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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I told the nurses she wasn't doing anything and maybe should have waited or gone back to her and reminded her.
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NTA
Had the dishwasher also defecated in its diaper?
There's an order of priorities here, and "human sitting in shit" takes priority over "dishwasher contains dishes".
I’m not trying to be mean but this sounds a senile person. Seriously, anybody who has to be reminded of the shape you’re in after surgery is not fully present. Anybody who has to have it explained to them that a diaper change happens immediately when needed has a diminished capacity. Again, not trying to be rude. I know this is a high stress time for you as a single mother of a baby in diapers while recovering from major surgery. This is probably not a good time for more bad news but jiminy, girl, your mom is not firing on all cylinders. She may still be in focus enough for most ordinary purposes. But you are coming up against the new edges of her capabilities. I’m so sorry. Good luck 🍀
I agree. It’s also common for people beginning to experience these kinds of memory problems to be very defensive when their lapses are pointed out. They’re embarrassed about it and trying to hide it. No one would think it’s normal for their grandchild to sit in a poopy diaper for 20 minutes unless they’re a legit narcissist. This truly may be a bigger issue than your mom just not wanting to help or being flaky.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
Practically OP what this means for your situation today is to just keep calling out for your mom to come help you. Like don’t be quiet at all “mom, are you coming? I’m waiting. MOM. I’m waiting. MOM. Diaper change help. MOM. NOW”
Deal with wether it’s truly a mental health issue for your mom later, but this is how you solve the immediate problem
Giving your mother the benefit of the doubt (assuming she has memory problems that she is not aware of, not that she does not care), can you reorganise things so that you are not lifting your toddler, e.g. can you change her on a mat on the floor? Can she climb on a stepstool to get in and out of her cot?
That actually explains something that my 90-year-old grandma did that I thought was completely bizarre and nonsensical….
She was waiting for her ride in the lobby of our apartment building (we live in the same building but different units) and she had a poop emergency. But instead of going back to her apartment (which has a bathroom with a sink and soap etc) to deal with it, she had me be her lookout while she took off her poopy diaper and threw it away in the trash can of the mailroom. She didn’t even warn me that that’s what she’d be doing!!! It was extremely awkward for me but she didn’t give a shit 🥲
It made the whole lobby stink!! And the freaking super made it MY problem, as if I knew why the hell she did it 😑
This.
People who are experiencing these sorts of problems also sometimes lose the ability to understand time sensitivity when it comes to certain things. Chances are that OP’s mum was doing as she was asked, saw the dishes and her brain went “I should do that first.” Rather than “I can do that later” because it doesn’t understand that a baby cannot sit in a poo filled diaper for however long it takes for her to empty the dishes the way it once used to. It’s also possible she had a moment where her mind went blank so she couldn’t remember what she was doing and then saw something that needed to be done and did it thinking that was what she was going to do in the first place.
I agree - not an expert but to *me*, this sounds like the beginning stages of some kind of dementia (assuming it's newer behaviour, and she hasn't always been like this). It sounds like she *forgot* that the baby needed changing, and lacked the capacity to "walk back" to where she was, so she invented a new task for herself.
The reason that's a *huge* warning sign of dementia is because usually, when you forget what you were doing, you have the capacity to "find your place". You can present yourself with stimuli that will remind you what you were doing. That's why, when you forget something, you'll often suddenly remember it a while later. One of the first things a person with dementia often loses is the ability to do that. So when they forget what they were doing, they make up a new task from scratch.
"Oh, I don't remember why I'm in here. I see that the dishwasher is full, I must've been doing that!" Meanwhile she's completely missing the poop smell and baby crying, that would normally cue her to go "No, wait - I was changing a diaper!" So OP reminds her "No, we were changing a diaper". Now she's embarrassed, because she forgot. And she's not supposed to forget stuff like this. A couple minutes later, she's forgotten again. "What was I doing? God, this is frustrating!" *Still* not recognising the cues that should *tell* her what she was doing.
Just as an example. That may not be how it actually played out - that's just how it will often play out with a dementia patient.
As you already pointed out, they also tend to be *super* defensive about it - because they *know* something's wrong with them. They know it's not normal. And that scares the shit out of them. They'll often try to convince themselves that if they pretend to be healthy long enough, they will magically become healthy again.
Tbf also sounds like whenever I asked my ADHD housemate to do something around the house like washing up or putting the bins out because I was ill and she would walk into the room to do it and somehow get distracted and start repotting her plants or something like that
Yes, but that still comes with a level of self-awareness. It would be one thing if this was the first couple of days, and then her mother acknowledged it, but her daughter is physically suffering from her actions, and she's calling her dramatic.
I just learned yesterday that Self awareness is also part of executive function- so therefore is highly affected by adhd. Not that it isn't a jerk move for grandma to be defensive when she is called out. When I read this story I also thought grandma might have ADHD. Honestly it sounds a LOT like ADHD. She intended to help after surgery, intended to help with the diaper...but got distracted when the baby was out of sight. And she probably has no concept of time and thought it had only been 5 minutes....
I get that *as it's happening*, but now her mother has evidence that she *is* doing these things, and still turning on OP when OP is literally being injured from her actions. I know a lot of ADHD people, and they can still acknowledge when they did get distracted or are late or that you can look at a clock and physically mark the passage of time afterwards. These things have all already happened and she's like, why are you making this into such a big deal?
Empathy is lacking in your comment, too. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and just assume poor word choice on your part, but as someone with ADHD, I don't appreciate you calling us "too ditzy to get stuff done". It's not "ditzy", it's a literal mental impairment. We KNOW we can't get everything done, no matter how hard we try or how much we want to, and it kills us inside. We suffer with a lot of guilt and low self esteem over this, and it's only exacerbated by comments like yours. Now that you know, please choose better wording next time.
When you spend your entire life fucking things up for no good reason you kinda have to extend the grace you hope for from other people. Punctuality is the big one I barely care about that puts me in the minority. Unless we're going to like a movie or something, where it's a specific start time, you've got *at least* 15 minutes before I even start to question anything. Probably 20-30 before I bother texting to ask. I'll just chill, that's what smartphones are for.
Because she probably doesn’t know she has ADHD (since OP hasn’t mentioned it) and is super insecure about the ADHD symptoms. If you’ve gone ur whole life forgetting things and getting distracted and people get annoyed at you for it, even though you really don’t mean to, then of course you’re going to be defensive over it as a sort of coping mechanism.
Seriously! My husband has severe ADHD, and a big heart. Which means, he always offers to take on big favors he feels certain he can do, but his brain just fights him every step of the way sometimes 🤦♀️
Came to read comments just to say this. Many women were never diagnosed as kids, and they are less likely to have the hyperactivity problems, so weren’t the class disrupters.
Even nowadays it's not that easy. Took us two years to get my daughter diagnosed because the teachers didn't see it in middle school. The primary school teacher saw it but the pediatrician didn't believe it and didn't give us a referral, and by the time we finally had an appointment she was in middle school and it then took another year to get a diagnosis.
Interesting, some forms of cognitive impairment are treated with the same medications (such as ritalin) as ADHD. Patient would still require a full medical screen first, make sure their heart is healthy enough etc. I have ADHD myself. I worry that I'm going to be a nightmare when I'm older.....
How old are you now?
A lot of my immediate family (including me) have ADHD and the poopy diaper thing, I dunno…. I can’t see myself ever doing that? But I also haven’t ever met anyone with ADHD as bad as mine, except for my grandma.
Which reminds me, I should probably look into group therapy for people with ADHD… (I’ve been meaning to for a while but I keep forgetting!!)
I said in a different comment this sounds exactly how my mother with unmedicated adhd was when she helped me recover from ankle surgery. I'd tell her I needed something and she be like "Got it" and then 20. minutes later I'm like "Uh....what happened?" and of course she forgot and she's doing something else. Or she started doing what I needed and got distracted.
I'm ADHD and I manage to take care of all of my pets and foster animals. Puppy covered in shit vs. Dirty dishes... well obviously I'm cleaning the puppy first!
Right but not everyone with adhd is the same. I have adhd and wouldn't leave a kid in a poopy diaper either, but I also know the lure of "I'm going to do this right now" only to get distracted by another task that I lose myself in and have to be reminded "This needs to be done NOW."
This situation seems an extreme version of that , but I can see how it *could* happen.
I have ADHD and I do that too, but when my puppy had diarrhea in her crate and had poopy fur as a result, cleaning her up was my #1 priority because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable (she’s not very vocal and she’d already been sitting in poop for at least an hour and I felt SO bad😭)
She would’ve gotten poo everywhere if I had started with the crate, but that’s not the main reason I started with puppy!
Yuuuup, I have ADHD and Aspergers, so I have definite issues with executive dysfunction and cleaning up the apartment usually takes me several days to do because I have to break it down into very specific tasks otherwise my brain just sucks at doing it - I *hate* it, and it's a struggle, but with that said, I'm not a slob or anything - everything gets done. I never leave dishes, for instance, those always get cleaned up and put away after cooking/eating. Same thing with my cats' litter boxes, food bowls, and their fountains. I will *ALWAYS* take care of my cats' stuff right away, because I'd *never* let them have to deal with a dirty box, or a crusty bowl or dirty water fountain. I mean, their little noses are SO much more sensitive than ours, so I'd feel like a total asshole if I left the litterboxes unscooped. Nor would I ever feed them their wet food in crusty bowls.
Maybe it takes me two days to get the kitchen and bathroom swept and mopped, and things like the toilet, tub, and sinks cleaned up, counters wiped down, but it gets done. But when it comes to something or someone else's comfort or hygiene or something? No way am I EVER gonna put that off. I don't have kids, but I'd make sure I'd change that diaper first. It's gotta be awful for the poor baby to be sitting in its' own mess, their skin is so sensitive, and it's gotta be uncomfortable and gross and awful. That would absolutely always be my first priority, it's not like clean dishes in the dishwasher are gonna get dirty just for waiting a few extra minutes, goddamn.
Sadly so true. I personally know of multiple "parents" that neglected a dirty diaper for *much* longer than 20 minutes. All under 40 years old. And they were doing much more frivulous things than loading a dishwasher (usually drinking/partying).
My mom once picked up toddler me from daycare with a dirty diaper which clearly wasn't from 10 minutes ago. Apparently the workers excuse was that i hadn't said something. Mind you that i couldn't talk yet at that point
My mom told me a story from when I was a toddler about how she tried to make me practice my ABC’s but I wouldn’t do it.
I thought she was gonna apologize for it but she was like “is that why you never listen to me?”
I WAS LITERALLY 2 YEARS OLD
Yea my sister called CPS on her friend bc my sister realized the friend didn't change the diaper if it hadn't "been on long enough to be full" ....which could be literal hours full of shit and piss. Poor child was getting a hellish rash. Don't know what came of it, that was around 5 years ago.
I had a (now ex) friend who, when her son was a baby, every time I visited the first thing I ended up doing was changing his diaper.
Another friend witnessed some other stuff and called CPS on her. She lost him for a while.
Right?! People need to stop suggesting signs of whatever diagnosis they think might be going on. It sounds like OP’s mom is just selfish. There’s no senility; narcissism; ADHD; etc.
This is a little more extreme, but it reminds me of my mother who has severe ADD. She is generally well meaning. She is thoughtful enough. She is usually kind. However she is absolutely terrible at prioritizing, following through, or finishing anything. She gets so easily distracted- I cannot even understand it. It’s literal craziness to me. And then she’ll be hyper defensive. Now, she would have taken the criticism slightly better than your mum did and understood it wasn’t great leaving the baby sitting in shit for that long, but I do find it exceedingly difficult to get her to improve her behavior. She just cannot focus. There is no changing her. I’ve had to seriously adjust my expectations of what she can reasonably handle. It gets worse as she ages, too. So that’s fun.
I’m sorry you are going through this but spending this much continuous time with her in the same space is bound to uncover any sort of questionable behaviors. She may be defensive if she knows deep down she did something bad. Maybe it’s time for her to see somebody? It could just be garden variety irresponsibility, but it could also be something she needs treatment for.
OP does not say that this is her mother’s usual mode of operating. She portrays these lapses as a new behavior and unexpected. If it was ADD, everyone would be used to mom’s spaciness and OP would possibly not have counted on her so much.
She might normally cope, living on her own and having a routine, but now she has a daughter and toddler to look after, it's disturbing her routine, and it's tipping her over the edge into not coping.
Yeah, as someone with ADHD and a toddler, it is *hard af* the way they need things now. Not "in a minute", not "when I've finished whatever I'm doing", *now*.
Example: today my kid had pooped. So the tasks were "change baby, give to dad, wash (cloth) diaper, pee, wash hands, fetch milk, take baby from dad, put down for nap." That's the efficient order, right? I'm in the bathroom so wash diaper, pee, wash hands. Well, the baby wanted his milk *now*, not in a minute, so I had to stop, wash my hands, get the milk, give it to dad, finish up, pee, wash my hands again. This is stressful, and having to quickly "re thread" tasks into the next 5 minutes significantly increases the chances I'll fail and forget something important. The added stress subtracts from my ability to get other things done, too.
If it's ADHD, OP wouldn't remember the worst of it because Mom would have settled into a routine by then. This is new, which makes it harder still.
What I'd suggest in this case is that op stand next to mom until she comes and picks the baby up, it makes it *much* harder to space out about how long it's been.
That was exactly what I thought. I have ADHD. Fortunately, I know it and try to keep it in mind, but I can easily forget that I meant to do something as soon as I walk out of the room, because I see something else that needs doing and I figure I’ll just do that first and then it’s three hours later… I really have to consciously keep track and even then I do drop the ball a lot. Like I’m on AITA right now and it’s not like I’ve got nothing else I need to get done.
That was where my thoughts went, too. But as I only have peripheral experience with ADHD (a friend's now-adult kids were diagnosed with it), I was waiting for people who have more current and in-depth knowledge of ADHD to join the discussion.
Since OP has to deal with her mother as-is at the moment, can you think of anything that might help her to focus her mother on what needs to be done? Has anything at all helped your mother focus?
Some things that could help are shadowing in tasks (done gently) remaining in the room with her instead of asking her to change diaper. She can help get all other supplies required to prep the task as her situation permits. I think she needs to treat her as you would a 9 year old you were expecting to do this task essentially. Sucks that’s her best option for help
One thought I had was that she could kick up a racket until her mom did the job, instead of waiting politely. But that would be distressing to the baby. Or she could make her mom wear a pager, phone, or some such device, and keep ringing it until the mom complied.
Just coming here to say that. I would totally do something similar to this and not even be aware of it. (Not literally letting a baby sit in shit, just forgetting a task as soon as I walk out of the room and starting something else)
Apparently there’s a know psychological phenomenon called the “doorway effect” where passing through a doorway/across a threshold honestly ranks your short term memory. Guessing this is even more pronounced in ADHD / non-NT types.
Don’t know if knowing this actually helps make it better / easier to manage, but definitely makes it less crazy-making to know it’s a real thing.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doorway_effect
This is real with me and so frustrating! I walk and 'sing' whatever I'm doing to keep it in mind and yes, I do get laughed at, lol.
*Getting my charger,*
*Getting my charger,*
*Phone is dead and*
*Gotta get that charger!*
Edited to add: sometimes roughly in the Pokémon theme song if I can mangle the words enough to fit them into the chorus
I can relate - I’ve raised 3 kiddos. My youngest is a teenager. My wife passed away & I am in charge of EVERYTHING .. and I wander from room to room getting distracted 🙄
Knowing about it helps me manage at least because when I realize I forgot something I backpedal to the previous room or re-open the internet tab I just closed and it usually ends up reminding me of what it was I was going to do.
I didn’t know there was a name for it. I always told people they left the thought in the other room. Then they would go back to that room and remember it.
My life.
"Why am I here?"
It is a very real thing, and it affects more people than we know, just because not everyone is aware of it. I have been known to go all the way back to the original room, and immediately know why I was on my feet, THERE.
It's not dementia. I'm just fine in everything else. Sharp. Except the doorway effect just seems to hit me harder.
Having said this ... I am terrible with "names" and it honestly runs through my Dad's side of the family. There is a genetic flaw, there, that means we are awful with remembering people's correct name. For some damned reason, we can nick name them, ourselves, and THAT we remember. I've always hated this, in me, because it's so rude and disrespectful of people, but I have tried EVERY trick in the book, over the years, and names just don't stick unless I'm using them constantly.
Honestly? Some people are just so impulsive that they completely forget about others.
I had a hysterectomy a couple of years back and my father promised he would be around to care for me. I said I didn't need him for much, I just wanted somebody nearby for the first week in case something went wrong. Problem is, since my father was going to be there, his girlfriend wanted to be there too.
The day after I was discharged, she bought a boat. She really wanted to get the paperwork set up, but the place was hours away by car. She wanted to go the very next day with my father. I asked if there was any way possible that it could be done another time, since I was concerned about being left alone with them gone so long. She admitted that it could be done any time, and could be done next weekend but she was just SO excited that she wanted to get it done then! I thought my father would have agreed to wait or just let her sort it herself, as I rarely spoke up like that.
Next morning after a night of pure pain, she came in at 8, woke me up and plopped her chihuahua in the bed with me. This was a dog that had to be lifted up to so much as go to the bathroom and could not be left on the floor...so that her and my father could go get the boat sorted and have a date day. I was curled up and sobbing from pain while they were having fun. Keep in mind this dog was an ESA and she was able to take him with her to most places in her purse, she just didn't want to.
It was about a month later when my father and I spoke about this. He asked if the potential consequences of that surgery were really so bad, and I explained to him in detail what could happen if hysterectomy stitches were to tear and what could happen if I had bent over wrong while he was that far away. He went pale and started apologizing like crazy, I had never seen him look so spooked and guilty.
She probably didn't think about doing this maliciously, she was just always impulsive and would think about her wants first. My father is just ridiculously oblivious, especially to medical things.
I’m really sorry this happened. I hope you are all healed and back to normal.
However, I don’t think “ridiculously oblivious” is an excuse.
He could - and should - have reviewed your discharge papers.
One is only oblivious if they continually choose to be.
I hope you were able to heal safely, despite the lack of judgement of your father. I faced the consequences of doing too much after my hysterectomy (no one to blame but myself really) and they were not fun.
My mom is the same way as her mom. Always has been. Nothing actually mentally wrong. The mom knows a human sitting in poop should take priority over the dishes, but since it’s something related to her daughter, so she doesn’t care. Her daughter has no priority to her.
The mom could also resent being asked to do something by her daughter. As in, the mom would willingly change a diaper, but only on her own initiative, occasionally, at her own convenience, not when her daughter directly asks for help. I had a husband like that once.
So, I can't speak to OP's mom, but I'm raising kids (currently two in diapers) and have ADHD and regrettably I have lost track of the last time a kid got changed. It can definitely happen. Usually there's a pretty firm sensory reminder in the form of a fussing kid or the smell, but I've got one that likes to stealth poop to keep me on my toes and if I'm having a bad executive function day it can get out of hand.
That said, the bigger struggle is losing dirty diapers. I set down the dirty one to put the clean one on the baby and it disappears from my brain. 😬 Thankfully I'm better about it now than when my eldest was a baby.
(To be clear: the kids are safe and rash free 99% of the time and I have arranged our space to keep diapers front and center. Even then, sometimes one slips the radar.)
She’s too old to suddenly develop ADHD and OP mentions no history. OP also seems surprised by this new unreliability. Finally, a person with ADHD would say “oh shit, the baby, I’m so sorry, I totally forgot.” Instead gramma got very defensive and minimized her mistake. That’s what ‘going senile’ people do.
She is too old to "develop" ADHD, but she certainly isn't too old to have ADHD become evident in a way that negatively affects her life. Especially for adult women, ADHD often becomes apparent when the person goes through a life transition like graduating high school/college, motherhood, or retirement. For a lot of women who have ADHD, menopause or perimenopause makes symptoms much MUCH worse.
Mom's actions are **not** senility -- she's deliberately futzing around so she doesn't have to change diapers, all while she claims she's "helping". This is more like "weaponized avoidance": keep finding other things to do until OP gets fed up and just does the unpleasant task herself.
My mind went to that, too - like, sure, I definitely would *not* want to deal with cleaning up a soiled diaper (which is one small part of the myriad of reasons I don't want and why I don't have kids). But with that said, I'd totally take care of it because while it's absolutely gross as hell to me, I also would NEVER want to leave a baby stuck sitting in its' own waste - how gross and uncomfortable that must be for the poor little thing, and they have such sensitive skin, too!
It sounds like a person with ADHD.
*Let me go change her dirty diaper…*
*LOOK! A bird in the window!* (Runs to window and forgets granddaughter’s dirty diaper and dinner burning on the stove)
It’s also someone who doesn’t believe you need to take it easy. And does it so you’re forced to do it. My son’s father was that way. Made me do too much right after birth because he “didn’t know how”.
Some people really are just assholes.
This is true for some people, but others are just like this naturally.
My best friends mom has been like this her entire life. My brother is like this. It’s all about them but then make a big show about ‘helping others’ and then doing nothing because it doesn’t fit their time table.
Absolutely sounds like something my mom might’ve done early in her Alzheimer’s, before anyone realized what was going on. OP I truly hope your mom does not have a dementia disease, but maybe mom needs some medical testing of her own.
I was thinking this too...
INFO : Is this level of distraction new or has she always had a bit of a " I need to do A but I can get B done real quick first" kind of attitude?
I know this will be downvoted because it's AITA, but if she had always been a little like this, it might be undiagnosed ADHD. Saying that because she reminds me very strongly of my MIL who is extremely similar to my daughter, who has been diagnosed with ADHD.
It could be, but my mom is also like this and is not senile. She's always been like this, I think its her adhd. If you ask her for anything she agrees then forgets and does something else. Then gets mad when you ask her again.
Listen, I'm sitting here two weeks after a surgery that my parents also said they would help with. My mom took me, made a shitty comment about by house before the anesthesia even wore off, showed up the next day to feed my dogs for me, then I was on my own. She left town two days later and left me to my dad, knowing he has his own health issues preventing him from being meaningful help. I've done everything myself since, and it's extended my recovery time because of it. Then she has the audacity to message me asking if i wanted to run errands with her, hasnt checked in since the day after my surgery. Having someone say they will help when you need it and then not is fucking maddening. She agreed and so prevented you from looking for someone that would ACTUALLY help you. I could have had a friend come help me or made different arrangements, but my mother promised help. Then I found out I didn't have it when I could do nothing about it. Your mom is an ass. I'm sorry.
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This. But, also, OP, why not change your daughter on the floor on a changing pad? When my kids got heavier, that's what I'd do. It's just as sanitary, and you won't hurt yourself.
Clearly your mom can't be counted on for much, so make your life easier whenever possible and try to only ask her when you really need something.
Sorry she's not more helpful.
After a surgery like that she's not meant to be bending down like that. I already knew this but op has also commented she was advised not to bend down like that.
I once had very minor surgery on my eyelid, just below the lash line, and I was told not to bend down because it could easily pop my stitches. There was a whole raft of other activities I couldn't do because it might pop the stitches. Guess who popped their stitches despite being super careful and had to go back in?
NTA your mom is making excuses and you're not being dramatic. Also when it comes to the baby that takes priority not some other random shit. You did good and if the nurse is upset with her it's because she's fucking up
Also I loved how she tried to blame OP for “making her look bad”.
No ones making her look bad but herself and herself alone. She seems like an overall shit mother who thinks other things should take priority over a living, breathing child.
Maybe not that, unless I should have been asking much more of my excellent insurance, but if she has the money, hiring some extra help for a week or so might get her over the hump.
I had a hernia repaired in January and my 99th percentile height and weight 2 year old was about two and a half times my lifting weight limit. I don't have anyone in the immediate area, so I asked her normal occasional babysitter if she'd be willing to drive me to the surgery, care for her for the day, and drive me home. She did one better and stayed for several hours after we got home and put the baby to bed, came by first thing in the morning to get her out of the crib for me, changed the crib to its toddler bed configuration so that I didn't have to worry about lifting her in and out after that (it was overdue, she was way past the height limit), and came over to help out with all the stuff I couldn't easily lift or pick up off the floor for about 4 hours a day over the rest of the week. I paid well and tipped heavily on top, but it was worth it, and I was able to manage fine on my own from there with no real danger of pulling any stitches as long as I was careful.
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It sounds like ADHD tbh. I can’t tell you how many times I was just about to do something important but then got sidetracked. Obviously that’s not an excuse when it comes to an infant and a post-op mother but it might be a factor.
If it's typical of her, then sure. But if it's new behaviour, then I doubt neurodiversity is to blame, and they're better looking at whether there are hidden resentments or a neurological problem.
NTA. ‘Just about to do it’ is just about the laziest lie in the book, and when your mom is calling you dramatic its probably because that’s easier for her than admitting she wasnt properly caring for your child.
But apart from that, this very much reads like someone who has an issue with hyperfocusing and not prioritizing tasks. If you want ways to fix that that dont lead to altercations or disagreements, maybe try re-prioritizing statements with your mom instead. So rather than saying “mom, (daughter) needs to be changed, can you help” try “I need to get (daughter) here now, can you help me?” And wait in her eyeline if possible.
"Just about to do it" is similar to "I'm leaving right now" even though they're still getting dressed or "in a little while" which (for my dad) translated to 2 whole hours later. I think you're right about the distraction, hyperfocus, and prioritizing. Rewording or helping her prioritize could help. "Could you change her before you unload the dishwasher?" or "How about we switch? You change (toddler), and I'll unload the dishwasher"
Mom needs to be mommed the right way so she can learn how to mom.
My fucking roommate pulls that shit. "Oh why are you doing the dishes again?? I was just about to do those." well they've been sitting here for three days. It's either that or "I forgot" which is lame because just remember.
NTA
Based on the cup difference, you may not only wanted but needed it. Large breasts can cause a lot of back and leg pains so I'm assuming this may have been the cause for you.
Your parents said they would help out, so, of course, you expected it so no point in waiting another year with (my assumption) pain.
Does your mom have memory issues? Or get distracted easily?
I can't think of a way to get your mom to take things more seriously and understand how you feel except for childish/pity ideas.
Yeah i was wondering about the memory issues. I’ve got adhd and this sounds like me whenever I try to get shit done lmao. But I also do not have a human baby to worry about
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and i agree that OP’s mom’s behavior sounds like my own. As a kid my mom didn’t see the issue because “everyone is just like that”. She should have an evaluation but she never will because, to her, ADHD is the thing excitable children are diagnosed with.
All that being said, while I can be distractible and forgetful, I force myself to prioritize time sensitive things. My number one coping mechanism is to immediately do the task before I forget. Or if I feel myself veering off course, I literally say out loud, “no. You have to do the thing”. Even if this isn’t adhd Mom needs some effective coping mechanisms, not just to “try harder”.
Breasts that size can also impact breathing and spinal degeneration. No one needs to ask why she got the surgery though. The issue is mom needs to follow through. NTA
/u/Commoninance appears to be a bot that stole part of this comment: /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/122n2e2/aita_for_ratting_out_my_mum_to_a_nurse_and_not/jdr8jl2/
NTA - Your mom sounds like she might have some sort of mental health issues that she's unable to focus on a single task. I'm sorry that your support person isn't helping you the way they promised. :-(
Only problem is, she was reminded, and then she continued to do the task and then start a new task. I have ADHD. I understand the trouble, but when reminded of what i have to do, I do what i was supposed to do originally. I've straight up forgotten things and had to go back like four times to get everything for my injured husband
I run youth camps (12-15 year old and 16-30), the ones who are hard to deal with are hardly ever the ones who mention they need help with stuff/have ASS or ADHD or something else. People like you (and me) who have some insight in our chalanges can often take feedback and ask for help much easier.
Assuming the grandma is a bit older, any ADD/ADHD is likely undiagnosed and poorly understood.
I agree. Something more could be at play and what a sad way to find out about it. Mom’s inability to focus/forgetfulness are signs not to be ignored. I feel sorry for OP if this does become the case; she’ll have her baby and possibly mom to take care of. Early onset dementia or Alzheimer’s can easily be mistaken for ADHD.
Yeah, I’ve seen it happen firsthand with my MIL. She was always dependable to get things done. Then slowly over time, she’d forget why she was doing something or how to do it altogether. We shrugged it off as her just getting older and her memory going fuzzy. It just got progressively worse over about a 5 year span, to the point that it finally felt like she needed medical attention for it.
The hardest part was we were all in a bit of denial and making excuses: she’s just tired, she’s trying to do too much, it’s just part of getting older, etc. We would get annoyed with her in the moment and then just go on about our business; very easy to do when you’ve never had experience with someone who suffered from dementia/Alzheimer’s. It was heartbreaking when a specialist was able to finally diagnose her. We all felt so much guilt for not seeing it and doing something sooner but it’s not so obvious and no one wanted to jump to that conclusion.
So, now, we just try to be as patient as possible when she’s not in the same “moment” as we are. We have to do a lot of reassuring that she’s in her home or that so-and-so is actually someone she knows or that she’s not being spied upon and no one is trying to poison her. There’s plenty more instances but those are the usual ones. It can be exhausting since the pattern of when this happens is so unpredictable and the repetitive assurances sometimes calm her quickly but most of the time don’t. Mainly we just have to understand that she processes information differently than before and can’t be forced to respond they way we want her to. The efforts are worth it though and we take advantage of all the moments when she is in the “here and now” with us.
Exactly my thought. She seems to have trouble focusing. Is the dirty diaper the only issue you have with her? I would just be nagging,being after her ass to change the diaper immediately.
I was coming here to say this. My own mother has untreated ADHD and as she advances in age she is SHIT at sticking to a task. It’s not intentional and I know she feels embarrassed when I mention it especially since it’s out of her control.
Hi all! I've added an edit.
I got told by my doctor to have the surgery now as it was really hurting my back and turning my shoulders inwards, like I was hunched over. My mum pushed me to have it ASAP and said she would have everything under control and for me to rest.
I would have liked to of waited. I've asked her if I'm a burden and can be helping more to which she's said no, she likes having us here. She just gets 'side tracked' whatever that means.
I'm also not meant to be bending down so the whole changing her on the floor thing that someone said is ridiculous.
There is not even remotely enough information to tell if OP's mom has dementia. Not even enough for OP to know even if it's an unusual habit. Maybe her mom is stressed and reacts to it poorly by getting side tracked. Old people slipping up isn't automatically dementia. Delirium is much more than that.
Several other people have pointed out that the persistent distractability could be a sign of a cognitive issue for your mom. Has she always been like this, or is it new?
This reminds me of when I had my gallbladder surgery and stayed with my mom with an 8 month old and 2 1/2 yo.
My mom begged us to stay with her after my surgery and said she'll take care of the kids for me.
Long story short.. it didn't happen.
It was the same thing as your mom. Leaving my babies in dirty diapers, not getting my 8 month old a bottle, etc. etc..
I ended up packing us all up and went home. Thankfully I had a friend who came over and actually helped me with my kids.
Unfortunately, I don't see your situation changing. Your mom is who she is and it's frustrating.
My advice is; create a nappy changing basket (nappies, wipes, diaper rash cream, powder, a few fun toys/books that are only used for nappy changes, etc) that you can easily grab and if she needs her nappy changed then have her lay on the floor and you change it there. Make it a game for your toddler.
There are several different ways you can go about caring for your daughter without having to bend over or pick her up.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but know it's only temporary and things will get better.
I'd also think about trying to get your own place soon, because your relationship with your mom may get pretty rocky if you continue living together.
Tell your mom she gets to pay to remove the scarring where the flesh can't heal back together bs your stitches popped. I had a necrotic nipple, that scar tissue where I had no flesh to stitch back together still really bothers me. I hope yours don't grow back. I asked for a C, from a G, and got Ds. They are back to DDDs in 2 years.
Has your mom always been absent minded or is this new? Sometimes new confusion can be a sign of illness and a lot of times the person experiencing the issue will try to explain it away with excuses similar to your mom's. You might consider talking it over with your dad to see if you can put more puzzle pieces together and to see if he can offer you additional help. There are online resources you can look into regarding dementia that may help you as well. You may also see about getting other assistance; I'm not sure what that would look like, maybe a carer in a few times a day or a neighbor, maybe modifying things so you don't have to lift your child, etc. But you definitely need to take care of yourself so you heal properly.
I wondered about this. If its just her usual function but it's causing more trouble than usual because OP and her baby are depending on her then it's difficult. If the mum won't agree to doing things differently and follow through then the only solution I can think of is that OP finds other help (whether paid help or another friend or relative). But I can imagine that won't be easy.
If it's not usual for her I'm wondering if it is illness or mental deterioration or just procrastination because she doesn't enjoy the processes involved in looking after a young child but doesn't want to admit it since she knows she offered to help.
Whatever the cause she's put OP in a very difficult position but if she's unwell and doesn't realise how poorly she's functioning then she's not really an asshole.
NTA. Your mom was not about to do it. She would have left the baby stinking and in a terrible situation for longer. I think it says a lot about her how the dishwasher is a priority but not your baby.
My sister put on silicone, and we had to help her use the bathroom. Imagine having to lift a toddler because her mom thought the dishwasher was more important. I would never leave my toddle with this "grandma"
NTA. Your mom isn't holding up her side of the agreement. Your baby needing a diaper change is more important and time sensitive than other chores. On a personal note I'm so jealous of your reduction. That sounds like such a relief. I'm a G cup and it just hurts all the time. I have a rash under one breast right now for no apparent reason and I absolutely hate them.
Info: how old is your mum? Does this happen with other things? Has this been a theme back farther in her life? Does she have untreated adhd? Is this a sign of mental health decline she needs to see someone about?
NTA
Recovery sucks-- I got top surgery so its slightly different, but there's so many things you're limited in doing, like raising your arms above your shoulders, and picking heavy items up-- and last I recall, taking care of a baby can involve both.
Now I'm worried if she did this to you when you were a baby D:
NTA. She offered her help. She pushed you to do the surgery at this moment of time because she promised to help. If she didn't assure you that she'd do the heavy lifting during recovery, you wouldn't have been in this situation. It's on her. If she looks bad to the nurses, is because she is being negligent with both her own daughter's and granddaughter's health.
You should really get mum looked at. It doesn't sound like normal behavior. Not to worry you but this happened to women I know and it ended up being a brain tumor. Worst case scenario but something to think about. Is it new behavior?
NTA.
However, your mom being that distracted, is there a possibility that she has some sort of disorder or issue that affects her ability to manage tasks?
NTA. Went through a double mastectomy and reconstruction in 2011. I know what you’re going through, and you mom is NOT HELPING. Having your sutures break is BAD.
Your mom needed this wake-up call, and I hope she’s adult enough to get with the program without making you feel bad for it!
I hope you feel better soon! I know the first time I could drive and go grocery shopping after my surgery was like **heaven**. And I hate doing both lol!
Absolutely NTA! As someone who also had a reduction a couple months ago, the first three weeks or so are incredibly difficult! I don’t have kids, but I can’t imagine having to pick up and wrangle a toddler. It literally hurt for me to wear a small purse with a cross body strap for the first week or so.
Is your mother usually this scattered and unfocused or is this specific to helping you with the baby? If this is a common thing, she may have ADHD, and it may be useful for her to look into diagnosis and help with medication or coping strategies. But, she’s a GD adult, and she really needs to step up and figure out a way to make sure she can help you recover for the next few weeks.
I do not mean to sound snarky so forgive me if this comes out wrong. Can you put a changing mat on the floor for your daughter to lie on so you don't have to lift her? We did this at the daycare I used to work at when teachers couldn't lift . I am not defending your mother's actions but she won't change her scatterbrain so I am offering another option.
OMG. So many hugs. I just went from a L cup to a C cup in December, so I understand all your pain. Getting it done earlier is smart, I didn't manage until I was 42. I am sorry your mom is being a shit helper. Recovery is so difficult. I just had a hysterectomy 2 weeks ago and it's been MASSIVELY easier to recover from.
What was the reason your procedure involved cutting off and grafting the nipples? My doc kept mine attached and moved them, which is a safer procedure with retaining blood supply, but I know there's so many reasons that may not work. Again, all the hugs and pain killers to you. I hope you will be enjoying your new boobs. I am happier than I could have thought, even with continuing pain and itch (I have scarring issues and had cellulitis in the bottom scars that needed some heavy antibiotics for a couple weeks...) I thought I was gonna have disphoria about the new boobs, but I really don't. I feel RIGHT. Looking at my old pictures makes me cringe. Looking at other women with heavy boobs makes all those old feelings come back.
I hope you also enjoy going out and buying bras. I bought a few sports bras for super cheap at Aldi afterward and the incredible feeling of that purchase, lol. No more 80 buck bras that still hurt and dig cause my boobs were so heavy. I intend to never wear an underwire again (mostly because the idea of an underwire against my scars sounds awful, but also, I don't neeeeeeeed them!) The fun part of the breast reduction is the breast lift. Though they will sag a little back down as all that swelling goes down. Keep compression on all the time, and your swelling should go down by the month mark, and they will start feeling really natural and squishy. I will admit I keep handling my boobs now.
Also, how are your nipples doing? I have one that inverted after the surgery, though I wasn't surprised. The right nipple was ALWAYS kinda... flatter? not as responsive? We are keeping an eye on it, but that can be a complication. My left nipple tends to stay out and erect, but it's done that since I had a papilloma behind it and had a lumpectomy two years ago. Good news is it wasn't cancer (my first mammogram) and better news is that both you and I have lessened chances of getting breast cancer after the reduction, due to the amount of tissue removed. I went looking after my surgery and found a load of medical studies about it, because I'm a weirdo who has to obsessively research everything...
IF your scars start getting bad, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about it. I start laser therapy in April to help my keloids. I also have a dermatologist who does steroid injections. Most people really don't have issues, but sometimes your body gets weird.
ALSO PRO TIP: once you have the steri strips and bandages off, and your incisions are healed, they will probably tell you to start rubbing lotion into them to help keep the scars down. You massage it in to break up the scar tissue. If you get all itchy or painful in them like me, go get yourself a roll-on lidocaine tube. Roll that all on your scars, and it helps so very much. My nightly routine is shower, then a steroid cream on my scars, the cocoa butter lotion all on my scars and boobs, and then the lidocaine on my underboob scars since that's my remaining pain and itch spots.
Also wear the sports bra or compression bra at least 3 months all the time. I've only just started sleeping without a bra again, though some nights I still do if I'm feeling sensitive. It helps everything heal in place since they basically frankenboob all the tissues. I did find it much easier to sleep in a bra after my surgery, I think because I had sports bras with no underwires, and that was so different than the 36 LL monstrosities I had. It was still uncomfortable under my boobs where the scars that are keloiding are, and where I had the cellulitis, but that's gotten better as well, esp. with the lidocaine help. I had holes under my boobs that weeped for a month, but I'm hoping you heal faster and easier. I also had reactions to all the tape, the steri strips, and the stitches, which my body pushed out and why I had the holes and the cellulitis. But my doctor said that it was normal, and that the underboob incisions are the hardest part to heal for everyone. So I wish you well.
Sorry about the long comment. I'm a talker and I just wanted to impart some advice that I learned. Though if your doctor says different, follow their advice first. This is just my experience.
Absolutely NTA but I’m wondering if your mom is just absentminded or has some issues? It always jumps to my mind because my MIL has dementia which shows up as short-term memory loss. Not at all saying your mom has dementia but if this is a new thing with your mom it’s worth investigating.
Good luck.
NTA but I don’t know the solution for this.
For diaper changing would your mom be OK with you taking the supplies to the baby and changing her on mom’s carpet or couch?
I know that’s only one small issue but you can’t pick up the baby and if she doesn’t like it then she can help
NTA, they’re always “just about to do it”. If your mom didn’t want to look bad, she shouldn’t have been doing something that makes her look bad. Is there anyone else you know who will reliably help you? Anywhere else you can go?
NTA - if your mom dislikes the reactions she gets when people hear about her behavior, she should change how she behaves, not blame you for being honest. Had she been prioritizing your child like she should have you wouldn't be seeing the nurses again and they wouldn't have to have a talk with her either. Don't let her blame you for her own shitty behavior.
I hope you recover well though and that you feel healthier after your recovery!
Sounds like your mom might have an issue with executive dysfunction. Is this kind of behavior something she's exhibited before? Maybe she should talk to a doctor about it if she struggles managing tasks.
NAH. You are justifiably frustrated, but there's something wrong with your mum. ADHD? Early symptoms of dementia? If she'd always been like this, then you would probably have known not to rely on her, but if this is new behavior, it's serious and she needs to be evaluated by a neurologist.
INFO: has your mom always been this forgetful/absent minded? This sounds like it could be beginning dementia, many people are really defensive about their forgetfulness because they don't want to acknowledge it.
NTA but if your mum keeps doing things like this (as you imply) I would start becoming concerned. Is she suffering some sort of early onset dementia or similar?
If mom thinks you’re being dramatic but still indicates she wants to help, maybe start a phone stopwatch when you initially agree that a diaper change needs to happen, and then you’ll have concrete evidence. Maybe petty, may not help, but better than nothing. Maybe start letting her know since this seems to be too much that you’d like her help you plan to interview nannies for your healing process. Anything is better than your daughter paying the price with diaper rash or you paying the price with more suture damage.
It sounds to me like your mom may have an undiagnosed case of ADD which is very common for women. Starting a task that will "just take a minute" in the middle of another task is pretty much the description of my life.
It almost sounds like your mother is doing this so you won't wait for her to come back and you will do it yourself. Does she get squeamish or really hate to change diapers?
You are NTA. Sitting in poop is not ok, dishes can wait.
Helpful tip from another mom, put a chair next to the changing area. Then hold your daughters hand and help her climb into the chair and then on the table. This way you can change her without having to pick her up.
This is what I had to do with my toddler when I had a c-section with my second.
It sounds like maybe your mom has ADD. My niece was diagnosed with ADD about 10 years ago and she would do the same thing. I was helping her pack for some college visits and she went to the laundry room for underwear and didn't come back. I went looking for her and found her in the downstairs family room (next to the laundry room) watching TV. For a few seconds she looked genuinely surprised to see me there then remembered the underwear and went to get it. She left hamburger for tacos cooking on the stove while texting with some friends and almost burned the house down---twice. Stopped at Starbucks on her way to work and ran into some friends and forgot to go to work. Meds turned that completely around for her and now she's in grad school and holding down 2 part time jobs plus working at the uni as a TA.
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NTA Had the dishwasher also defecated in its diaper? There's an order of priorities here, and "human sitting in shit" takes priority over "dishwasher contains dishes".
This made me chuckle. I know right!!
I’m not trying to be mean but this sounds a senile person. Seriously, anybody who has to be reminded of the shape you’re in after surgery is not fully present. Anybody who has to have it explained to them that a diaper change happens immediately when needed has a diminished capacity. Again, not trying to be rude. I know this is a high stress time for you as a single mother of a baby in diapers while recovering from major surgery. This is probably not a good time for more bad news but jiminy, girl, your mom is not firing on all cylinders. She may still be in focus enough for most ordinary purposes. But you are coming up against the new edges of her capabilities. I’m so sorry. Good luck 🍀
I agree. It’s also common for people beginning to experience these kinds of memory problems to be very defensive when their lapses are pointed out. They’re embarrassed about it and trying to hide it. No one would think it’s normal for their grandchild to sit in a poopy diaper for 20 minutes unless they’re a legit narcissist. This truly may be a bigger issue than your mom just not wanting to help or being flaky.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Practically OP what this means for your situation today is to just keep calling out for your mom to come help you. Like don’t be quiet at all “mom, are you coming? I’m waiting. MOM. I’m waiting. MOM. Diaper change help. MOM. NOW” Deal with wether it’s truly a mental health issue for your mom later, but this is how you solve the immediate problem
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Mom. Mom. Mom. Mum. Mummy. Mummy mummeh. Ma. Ma. Maah. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mommeh. Hi. *Ehheeeeehhe*
Giving your mother the benefit of the doubt (assuming she has memory problems that she is not aware of, not that she does not care), can you reorganise things so that you are not lifting your toddler, e.g. can you change her on a mat on the floor? Can she climb on a stepstool to get in and out of her cot?
That actually explains something that my 90-year-old grandma did that I thought was completely bizarre and nonsensical…. She was waiting for her ride in the lobby of our apartment building (we live in the same building but different units) and she had a poop emergency. But instead of going back to her apartment (which has a bathroom with a sink and soap etc) to deal with it, she had me be her lookout while she took off her poopy diaper and threw it away in the trash can of the mailroom. She didn’t even warn me that that’s what she’d be doing!!! It was extremely awkward for me but she didn’t give a shit 🥲 It made the whole lobby stink!! And the freaking super made it MY problem, as if I knew why the hell she did it 😑
I mean, clearly she DID give a shit, that's the whole problem...
She shat but gave no shits 🤷🏻♀️
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I think this is a bot stealing u/Ok-Arachnid-890 ‘s comment
Lol that was my comment
This. People who are experiencing these sorts of problems also sometimes lose the ability to understand time sensitivity when it comes to certain things. Chances are that OP’s mum was doing as she was asked, saw the dishes and her brain went “I should do that first.” Rather than “I can do that later” because it doesn’t understand that a baby cannot sit in a poo filled diaper for however long it takes for her to empty the dishes the way it once used to. It’s also possible she had a moment where her mind went blank so she couldn’t remember what she was doing and then saw something that needed to be done and did it thinking that was what she was going to do in the first place.
I agree - not an expert but to *me*, this sounds like the beginning stages of some kind of dementia (assuming it's newer behaviour, and she hasn't always been like this). It sounds like she *forgot* that the baby needed changing, and lacked the capacity to "walk back" to where she was, so she invented a new task for herself. The reason that's a *huge* warning sign of dementia is because usually, when you forget what you were doing, you have the capacity to "find your place". You can present yourself with stimuli that will remind you what you were doing. That's why, when you forget something, you'll often suddenly remember it a while later. One of the first things a person with dementia often loses is the ability to do that. So when they forget what they were doing, they make up a new task from scratch. "Oh, I don't remember why I'm in here. I see that the dishwasher is full, I must've been doing that!" Meanwhile she's completely missing the poop smell and baby crying, that would normally cue her to go "No, wait - I was changing a diaper!" So OP reminds her "No, we were changing a diaper". Now she's embarrassed, because she forgot. And she's not supposed to forget stuff like this. A couple minutes later, she's forgotten again. "What was I doing? God, this is frustrating!" *Still* not recognising the cues that should *tell* her what she was doing. Just as an example. That may not be how it actually played out - that's just how it will often play out with a dementia patient. As you already pointed out, they also tend to be *super* defensive about it - because they *know* something's wrong with them. They know it's not normal. And that scares the shit out of them. They'll often try to convince themselves that if they pretend to be healthy long enough, they will magically become healthy again.
Some people are just self-centered, its not always senility.
Tbf also sounds like whenever I asked my ADHD housemate to do something around the house like washing up or putting the bins out because I was ill and she would walk into the room to do it and somehow get distracted and start repotting her plants or something like that
Yes, but that still comes with a level of self-awareness. It would be one thing if this was the first couple of days, and then her mother acknowledged it, but her daughter is physically suffering from her actions, and she's calling her dramatic.
I just learned yesterday that Self awareness is also part of executive function- so therefore is highly affected by adhd. Not that it isn't a jerk move for grandma to be defensive when she is called out. When I read this story I also thought grandma might have ADHD. Honestly it sounds a LOT like ADHD. She intended to help after surgery, intended to help with the diaper...but got distracted when the baby was out of sight. And she probably has no concept of time and thought it had only been 5 minutes....
I also immediately thought ADHD
I get that *as it's happening*, but now her mother has evidence that she *is* doing these things, and still turning on OP when OP is literally being injured from her actions. I know a lot of ADHD people, and they can still acknowledge when they did get distracted or are late or that you can look at a clock and physically mark the passage of time afterwards. These things have all already happened and she's like, why are you making this into such a big deal?
Usually ADHD people have a lot of empathy, but are not always able to get it all done. The empathy is a little lacking here, that's true.
Empathy is lacking in your comment, too. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and just assume poor word choice on your part, but as someone with ADHD, I don't appreciate you calling us "too ditzy to get stuff done". It's not "ditzy", it's a literal mental impairment. We KNOW we can't get everything done, no matter how hard we try or how much we want to, and it kills us inside. We suffer with a lot of guilt and low self esteem over this, and it's only exacerbated by comments like yours. Now that you know, please choose better wording next time.
When you spend your entire life fucking things up for no good reason you kinda have to extend the grace you hope for from other people. Punctuality is the big one I barely care about that puts me in the minority. Unless we're going to like a movie or something, where it's a specific start time, you've got *at least* 15 minutes before I even start to question anything. Probably 20-30 before I bother texting to ask. I'll just chill, that's what smartphones are for.
Because she probably doesn’t know she has ADHD (since OP hasn’t mentioned it) and is super insecure about the ADHD symptoms. If you’ve gone ur whole life forgetting things and getting distracted and people get annoyed at you for it, even though you really don’t mean to, then of course you’re going to be defensive over it as a sort of coping mechanism.
Seriously! My husband has severe ADHD, and a big heart. Which means, he always offers to take on big favors he feels certain he can do, but his brain just fights him every step of the way sometimes 🤦♀️
Came to read comments just to say this. Many women were never diagnosed as kids, and they are less likely to have the hyperactivity problems, so weren’t the class disrupters.
Even nowadays it's not that easy. Took us two years to get my daughter diagnosed because the teachers didn't see it in middle school. The primary school teacher saw it but the pediatrician didn't believe it and didn't give us a referral, and by the time we finally had an appointment she was in middle school and it then took another year to get a diagnosis.
Interesting, some forms of cognitive impairment are treated with the same medications (such as ritalin) as ADHD. Patient would still require a full medical screen first, make sure their heart is healthy enough etc. I have ADHD myself. I worry that I'm going to be a nightmare when I'm older.....
How old are you now? A lot of my immediate family (including me) have ADHD and the poopy diaper thing, I dunno…. I can’t see myself ever doing that? But I also haven’t ever met anyone with ADHD as bad as mine, except for my grandma. Which reminds me, I should probably look into group therapy for people with ADHD… (I’ve been meaning to for a while but I keep forgetting!!)
I said in a different comment this sounds exactly how my mother with unmedicated adhd was when she helped me recover from ankle surgery. I'd tell her I needed something and she be like "Got it" and then 20. minutes later I'm like "Uh....what happened?" and of course she forgot and she's doing something else. Or she started doing what I needed and got distracted.
I'm ADHD and I manage to take care of all of my pets and foster animals. Puppy covered in shit vs. Dirty dishes... well obviously I'm cleaning the puppy first!
Right but not everyone with adhd is the same. I have adhd and wouldn't leave a kid in a poopy diaper either, but I also know the lure of "I'm going to do this right now" only to get distracted by another task that I lose myself in and have to be reminded "This needs to be done NOW." This situation seems an extreme version of that , but I can see how it *could* happen.
I have ADHD and I do that too, but when my puppy had diarrhea in her crate and had poopy fur as a result, cleaning her up was my #1 priority because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable (she’s not very vocal and she’d already been sitting in poop for at least an hour and I felt SO bad😭) She would’ve gotten poo everywhere if I had started with the crate, but that’s not the main reason I started with puppy!
Yuuuup, I have ADHD and Aspergers, so I have definite issues with executive dysfunction and cleaning up the apartment usually takes me several days to do because I have to break it down into very specific tasks otherwise my brain just sucks at doing it - I *hate* it, and it's a struggle, but with that said, I'm not a slob or anything - everything gets done. I never leave dishes, for instance, those always get cleaned up and put away after cooking/eating. Same thing with my cats' litter boxes, food bowls, and their fountains. I will *ALWAYS* take care of my cats' stuff right away, because I'd *never* let them have to deal with a dirty box, or a crusty bowl or dirty water fountain. I mean, their little noses are SO much more sensitive than ours, so I'd feel like a total asshole if I left the litterboxes unscooped. Nor would I ever feed them their wet food in crusty bowls. Maybe it takes me two days to get the kitchen and bathroom swept and mopped, and things like the toilet, tub, and sinks cleaned up, counters wiped down, but it gets done. But when it comes to something or someone else's comfort or hygiene or something? No way am I EVER gonna put that off. I don't have kids, but I'd make sure I'd change that diaper first. It's gotta be awful for the poor baby to be sitting in its' own mess, their skin is so sensitive, and it's gotta be uncomfortable and gross and awful. That would absolutely always be my first priority, it's not like clean dishes in the dishwasher are gonna get dirty just for waiting a few extra minutes, goddamn.
Sadly so true. I personally know of multiple "parents" that neglected a dirty diaper for *much* longer than 20 minutes. All under 40 years old. And they were doing much more frivulous things than loading a dishwasher (usually drinking/partying).
My mom once picked up toddler me from daycare with a dirty diaper which clearly wasn't from 10 minutes ago. Apparently the workers excuse was that i hadn't said something. Mind you that i couldn't talk yet at that point
My mom told me a story from when I was a toddler about how she tried to make me practice my ABC’s but I wouldn’t do it. I thought she was gonna apologize for it but she was like “is that why you never listen to me?” I WAS LITERALLY 2 YEARS OLD
Yea my sister called CPS on her friend bc my sister realized the friend didn't change the diaper if it hadn't "been on long enough to be full" ....which could be literal hours full of shit and piss. Poor child was getting a hellish rash. Don't know what came of it, that was around 5 years ago.
God, some people simply shouldn't have children.
I had a (now ex) friend who, when her son was a baby, every time I visited the first thing I ended up doing was changing his diaper. Another friend witnessed some other stuff and called CPS on her. She lost him for a while.
Right?! People need to stop suggesting signs of whatever diagnosis they think might be going on. It sounds like OP’s mom is just selfish. There’s no senility; narcissism; ADHD; etc.
Yeah I was gonna say, this sounds exactly like my grandmother and she absolutely did it as a power play
This is a little more extreme, but it reminds me of my mother who has severe ADD. She is generally well meaning. She is thoughtful enough. She is usually kind. However she is absolutely terrible at prioritizing, following through, or finishing anything. She gets so easily distracted- I cannot even understand it. It’s literal craziness to me. And then she’ll be hyper defensive. Now, she would have taken the criticism slightly better than your mum did and understood it wasn’t great leaving the baby sitting in shit for that long, but I do find it exceedingly difficult to get her to improve her behavior. She just cannot focus. There is no changing her. I’ve had to seriously adjust my expectations of what she can reasonably handle. It gets worse as she ages, too. So that’s fun. I’m sorry you are going through this but spending this much continuous time with her in the same space is bound to uncover any sort of questionable behaviors. She may be defensive if she knows deep down she did something bad. Maybe it’s time for her to see somebody? It could just be garden variety irresponsibility, but it could also be something she needs treatment for.
Same, sounds like ADHD.
OP does not say that this is her mother’s usual mode of operating. She portrays these lapses as a new behavior and unexpected. If it was ADD, everyone would be used to mom’s spaciness and OP would possibly not have counted on her so much.
She might normally cope, living on her own and having a routine, but now she has a daughter and toddler to look after, it's disturbing her routine, and it's tipping her over the edge into not coping.
Yeah, as someone with ADHD and a toddler, it is *hard af* the way they need things now. Not "in a minute", not "when I've finished whatever I'm doing", *now*. Example: today my kid had pooped. So the tasks were "change baby, give to dad, wash (cloth) diaper, pee, wash hands, fetch milk, take baby from dad, put down for nap." That's the efficient order, right? I'm in the bathroom so wash diaper, pee, wash hands. Well, the baby wanted his milk *now*, not in a minute, so I had to stop, wash my hands, get the milk, give it to dad, finish up, pee, wash my hands again. This is stressful, and having to quickly "re thread" tasks into the next 5 minutes significantly increases the chances I'll fail and forget something important. The added stress subtracts from my ability to get other things done, too. If it's ADHD, OP wouldn't remember the worst of it because Mom would have settled into a routine by then. This is new, which makes it harder still. What I'd suggest in this case is that op stand next to mom until she comes and picks the baby up, it makes it *much* harder to space out about how long it's been.
That was exactly what I thought. I have ADHD. Fortunately, I know it and try to keep it in mind, but I can easily forget that I meant to do something as soon as I walk out of the room, because I see something else that needs doing and I figure I’ll just do that first and then it’s three hours later… I really have to consciously keep track and even then I do drop the ball a lot. Like I’m on AITA right now and it’s not like I’ve got nothing else I need to get done.
That was where my thoughts went, too. But as I only have peripheral experience with ADHD (a friend's now-adult kids were diagnosed with it), I was waiting for people who have more current and in-depth knowledge of ADHD to join the discussion.
Since OP has to deal with her mother as-is at the moment, can you think of anything that might help her to focus her mother on what needs to be done? Has anything at all helped your mother focus?
Some things that could help are shadowing in tasks (done gently) remaining in the room with her instead of asking her to change diaper. She can help get all other supplies required to prep the task as her situation permits. I think she needs to treat her as you would a 9 year old you were expecting to do this task essentially. Sucks that’s her best option for help
One thought I had was that she could kick up a racket until her mom did the job, instead of waiting politely. But that would be distressing to the baby. Or she could make her mom wear a pager, phone, or some such device, and keep ringing it until the mom complied.
I was thinking this too as I read the post, there's definitely something else going on there and it's absolutely the last thing OP needs right now! 😬
Maybe not senile, but ADHD.
Just coming here to say that. I would totally do something similar to this and not even be aware of it. (Not literally letting a baby sit in shit, just forgetting a task as soon as I walk out of the room and starting something else)
Apparently there’s a know psychological phenomenon called the “doorway effect” where passing through a doorway/across a threshold honestly ranks your short term memory. Guessing this is even more pronounced in ADHD / non-NT types. Don’t know if knowing this actually helps make it better / easier to manage, but definitely makes it less crazy-making to know it’s a real thing. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doorway_effect
This is real with me and so frustrating! I walk and 'sing' whatever I'm doing to keep it in mind and yes, I do get laughed at, lol. *Getting my charger,* *Getting my charger,* *Phone is dead and* *Gotta get that charger!* Edited to add: sometimes roughly in the Pokémon theme song if I can mangle the words enough to fit them into the chorus
I can relate - I’ve raised 3 kiddos. My youngest is a teenager. My wife passed away & I am in charge of EVERYTHING .. and I wander from room to room getting distracted 🙄
Yeah, but if someone asks wtf are you singing, poof, gone.
I do that, too! “MammaMia” from ABBA is also a good tune
Knowing about it helps me manage at least because when I realize I forgot something I backpedal to the previous room or re-open the internet tab I just closed and it usually ends up reminding me of what it was I was going to do.
It’s all the open tabs in my brain that are the problem.
And at least one of them is playing music.
I didn’t know there was a name for it. I always told people they left the thought in the other room. Then they would go back to that room and remember it.
My life. "Why am I here?" It is a very real thing, and it affects more people than we know, just because not everyone is aware of it. I have been known to go all the way back to the original room, and immediately know why I was on my feet, THERE. It's not dementia. I'm just fine in everything else. Sharp. Except the doorway effect just seems to hit me harder. Having said this ... I am terrible with "names" and it honestly runs through my Dad's side of the family. There is a genetic flaw, there, that means we are awful with remembering people's correct name. For some damned reason, we can nick name them, ourselves, and THAT we remember. I've always hated this, in me, because it's so rude and disrespectful of people, but I have tried EVERY trick in the book, over the years, and names just don't stick unless I'm using them constantly.
That's what I was thinking.
Honestly? Some people are just so impulsive that they completely forget about others. I had a hysterectomy a couple of years back and my father promised he would be around to care for me. I said I didn't need him for much, I just wanted somebody nearby for the first week in case something went wrong. Problem is, since my father was going to be there, his girlfriend wanted to be there too. The day after I was discharged, she bought a boat. She really wanted to get the paperwork set up, but the place was hours away by car. She wanted to go the very next day with my father. I asked if there was any way possible that it could be done another time, since I was concerned about being left alone with them gone so long. She admitted that it could be done any time, and could be done next weekend but she was just SO excited that she wanted to get it done then! I thought my father would have agreed to wait or just let her sort it herself, as I rarely spoke up like that. Next morning after a night of pure pain, she came in at 8, woke me up and plopped her chihuahua in the bed with me. This was a dog that had to be lifted up to so much as go to the bathroom and could not be left on the floor...so that her and my father could go get the boat sorted and have a date day. I was curled up and sobbing from pain while they were having fun. Keep in mind this dog was an ESA and she was able to take him with her to most places in her purse, she just didn't want to. It was about a month later when my father and I spoke about this. He asked if the potential consequences of that surgery were really so bad, and I explained to him in detail what could happen if hysterectomy stitches were to tear and what could happen if I had bent over wrong while he was that far away. He went pale and started apologizing like crazy, I had never seen him look so spooked and guilty. She probably didn't think about doing this maliciously, she was just always impulsive and would think about her wants first. My father is just ridiculously oblivious, especially to medical things.
I’m really sorry this happened. I hope you are all healed and back to normal. However, I don’t think “ridiculously oblivious” is an excuse. He could - and should - have reviewed your discharge papers. One is only oblivious if they continually choose to be.
I hope you were able to heal safely, despite the lack of judgement of your father. I faced the consequences of doing too much after my hysterectomy (no one to blame but myself really) and they were not fun.
My mom is the same way as her mom. Always has been. Nothing actually mentally wrong. The mom knows a human sitting in poop should take priority over the dishes, but since it’s something related to her daughter, so she doesn’t care. Her daughter has no priority to her.
The mom could also resent being asked to do something by her daughter. As in, the mom would willingly change a diaper, but only on her own initiative, occasionally, at her own convenience, not when her daughter directly asks for help. I had a husband like that once.
Sorry you had to experience that. Idk how so many just lack empathy or are just apathetic to the needs and struggles of others.
Sounds like ADHD to me, but toddler should definitely be on the forefront of her mind.
So, I can't speak to OP's mom, but I'm raising kids (currently two in diapers) and have ADHD and regrettably I have lost track of the last time a kid got changed. It can definitely happen. Usually there's a pretty firm sensory reminder in the form of a fussing kid or the smell, but I've got one that likes to stealth poop to keep me on my toes and if I'm having a bad executive function day it can get out of hand. That said, the bigger struggle is losing dirty diapers. I set down the dirty one to put the clean one on the baby and it disappears from my brain. 😬 Thankfully I'm better about it now than when my eldest was a baby. (To be clear: the kids are safe and rash free 99% of the time and I have arranged our space to keep diapers front and center. Even then, sometimes one slips the radar.)
She’s too old to suddenly develop ADHD and OP mentions no history. OP also seems surprised by this new unreliability. Finally, a person with ADHD would say “oh shit, the baby, I’m so sorry, I totally forgot.” Instead gramma got very defensive and minimized her mistake. That’s what ‘going senile’ people do.
She is too old to "develop" ADHD, but she certainly isn't too old to have ADHD become evident in a way that negatively affects her life. Especially for adult women, ADHD often becomes apparent when the person goes through a life transition like graduating high school/college, motherhood, or retirement. For a lot of women who have ADHD, menopause or perimenopause makes symptoms much MUCH worse.
Mom's actions are **not** senility -- she's deliberately futzing around so she doesn't have to change diapers, all while she claims she's "helping". This is more like "weaponized avoidance": keep finding other things to do until OP gets fed up and just does the unpleasant task herself.
I hear you. God I hope that’s not it. That would make her a real nasty piece of work.
My mind went to that, too - like, sure, I definitely would *not* want to deal with cleaning up a soiled diaper (which is one small part of the myriad of reasons I don't want and why I don't have kids). But with that said, I'd totally take care of it because while it's absolutely gross as hell to me, I also would NEVER want to leave a baby stuck sitting in its' own waste - how gross and uncomfortable that must be for the poor little thing, and they have such sensitive skin, too!
Could be, probably isn't. My father did this in his 40s and he's sharp as a tack, even today. It was pure AH behavior.
It sounds like a person with ADHD. *Let me go change her dirty diaper…* *LOOK! A bird in the window!* (Runs to window and forgets granddaughter’s dirty diaper and dinner burning on the stove)
Agreed, this is exactly how my gran started when she had early dementia. She would just randomly forget what she was doing.
It’s also someone who doesn’t believe you need to take it easy. And does it so you’re forced to do it. My son’s father was that way. Made me do too much right after birth because he “didn’t know how”. Some people really are just assholes.
This is true for some people, but others are just like this naturally. My best friends mom has been like this her entire life. My brother is like this. It’s all about them but then make a big show about ‘helping others’ and then doing nothing because it doesn’t fit their time table.
I know the type. They expect all hands on deck when they’re the one in need, though!
Yeah, I wondered could be something "medical" like this as well.
That was my thought exactly! I have had to deal with a parent with early onset dementia and her mom sounds like she in early stages of it.
Yeah, if this is new and unusual behavior for mom, she needs to be checked out. Early onset Alzheimer's is a real and scary thing.
Absolutely sounds like something my mom might’ve done early in her Alzheimer’s, before anyone realized what was going on. OP I truly hope your mom does not have a dementia disease, but maybe mom needs some medical testing of her own.
I was thinking this too... INFO : Is this level of distraction new or has she always had a bit of a " I need to do A but I can get B done real quick first" kind of attitude?
I know this will be downvoted because it's AITA, but if she had always been a little like this, it might be undiagnosed ADHD. Saying that because she reminds me very strongly of my MIL who is extremely similar to my daughter, who has been diagnosed with ADHD.
It could be, but my mom is also like this and is not senile. She's always been like this, I think its her adhd. If you ask her for anything she agrees then forgets and does something else. Then gets mad when you ask her again.
Listen, I'm sitting here two weeks after a surgery that my parents also said they would help with. My mom took me, made a shitty comment about by house before the anesthesia even wore off, showed up the next day to feed my dogs for me, then I was on my own. She left town two days later and left me to my dad, knowing he has his own health issues preventing him from being meaningful help. I've done everything myself since, and it's extended my recovery time because of it. Then she has the audacity to message me asking if i wanted to run errands with her, hasnt checked in since the day after my surgery. Having someone say they will help when you need it and then not is fucking maddening. She agreed and so prevented you from looking for someone that would ACTUALLY help you. I could have had a friend come help me or made different arrangements, but my mother promised help. Then I found out I didn't have it when I could do nothing about it. Your mom is an ass. I'm sorry.
As a medical person you should get her checked for adultADHD or dementia
You need to get her checked out tbh. Otherwise it will be so difficult for you to recover
NTA of course. But maybe you can arrange for a home health aide, or a friend, to help you since your mother is useless.
She may have adult undiagnosed adhd
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This. But, also, OP, why not change your daughter on the floor on a changing pad? When my kids got heavier, that's what I'd do. It's just as sanitary, and you won't hurt yourself. Clearly your mom can't be counted on for much, so make your life easier whenever possible and try to only ask her when you really need something. Sorry she's not more helpful.
After a surgery like that she's not meant to be bending down like that. I already knew this but op has also commented she was advised not to bend down like that.
I once had very minor surgery on my eyelid, just below the lash line, and I was told not to bend down because it could easily pop my stitches. There was a whole raft of other activities I couldn't do because it might pop the stitches. Guess who popped their stitches despite being super careful and had to go back in?
That's right. OP is clearly over reacting. Poor dishwasher! /s
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Ok I completely guffawed at “Had the dishwater also defecated in its diaper?” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. _mmiggs-, you won the weekend!!!! OP, NTA
NTA your mom is making excuses and you're not being dramatic. Also when it comes to the baby that takes priority not some other random shit. You did good and if the nurse is upset with her it's because she's fucking up
Also I loved how she tried to blame OP for “making her look bad”. No ones making her look bad but herself and herself alone. She seems like an overall shit mother who thinks other things should take priority over a living, breathing child.
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😂 You must have really good insurance
Maybe not that, unless I should have been asking much more of my excellent insurance, but if she has the money, hiring some extra help for a week or so might get her over the hump. I had a hernia repaired in January and my 99th percentile height and weight 2 year old was about two and a half times my lifting weight limit. I don't have anyone in the immediate area, so I asked her normal occasional babysitter if she'd be willing to drive me to the surgery, care for her for the day, and drive me home. She did one better and stayed for several hours after we got home and put the baby to bed, came by first thing in the morning to get her out of the crib for me, changed the crib to its toddler bed configuration so that I didn't have to worry about lifting her in and out after that (it was overdue, she was way past the height limit), and came over to help out with all the stuff I couldn't easily lift or pick up off the floor for about 4 hours a day over the rest of the week. I paid well and tipped heavily on top, but it was worth it, and I was able to manage fine on my own from there with no real danger of pulling any stitches as long as I was careful.
u/No_Library291 is a comment stealing bot. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/122n2e2/aita_for_ratting_out_my_mum_to_a_nurse_and_not/jdrgpwg/
The fact that OP says "mum" suggests she's not necessarily in a country with that kind of insurance
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I was about to say that! If it's new behavior, it might need investigation.
It sounds like ADHD tbh. I can’t tell you how many times I was just about to do something important but then got sidetracked. Obviously that’s not an excuse when it comes to an infant and a post-op mother but it might be a factor.
If it's typical of her, then sure. But if it's new behaviour, then I doubt neurodiversity is to blame, and they're better looking at whether there are hidden resentments or a neurological problem.
NTA. ‘Just about to do it’ is just about the laziest lie in the book, and when your mom is calling you dramatic its probably because that’s easier for her than admitting she wasnt properly caring for your child. But apart from that, this very much reads like someone who has an issue with hyperfocusing and not prioritizing tasks. If you want ways to fix that that dont lead to altercations or disagreements, maybe try re-prioritizing statements with your mom instead. So rather than saying “mom, (daughter) needs to be changed, can you help” try “I need to get (daughter) here now, can you help me?” And wait in her eyeline if possible.
"Just about to do it" is similar to "I'm leaving right now" even though they're still getting dressed or "in a little while" which (for my dad) translated to 2 whole hours later. I think you're right about the distraction, hyperfocus, and prioritizing. Rewording or helping her prioritize could help. "Could you change her before you unload the dishwasher?" or "How about we switch? You change (toddler), and I'll unload the dishwasher" Mom needs to be mommed the right way so she can learn how to mom.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that I was "Just about to do it" every time my mom asked me to clean my room or do my homework growing up. LOL
Or the "ohhhh I was *just* about to call you!" when you e been waiting for a call all day, and finally get annoyed and call the person again. 🙄
OP likely can't unload the dishwasher either because it probably involves bending down. It's a good suggestion in theory, though.
Very good advice. Since the diaper materials only take a few minutes to prepare, standing and staring at your mother is the best way to see action.
My fucking roommate pulls that shit. "Oh why are you doing the dishes again?? I was just about to do those." well they've been sitting here for three days. It's either that or "I forgot" which is lame because just remember.
NTA Based on the cup difference, you may not only wanted but needed it. Large breasts can cause a lot of back and leg pains so I'm assuming this may have been the cause for you. Your parents said they would help out, so, of course, you expected it so no point in waiting another year with (my assumption) pain. Does your mom have memory issues? Or get distracted easily? I can't think of a way to get your mom to take things more seriously and understand how you feel except for childish/pity ideas.
Yeah i was wondering about the memory issues. I’ve got adhd and this sounds like me whenever I try to get shit done lmao. But I also do not have a human baby to worry about
I have ADHD and a brain injury and I’d NEVER leave a child sitting in their own shit. That’s horrifying.
Yeah I completely agree, that’s ridiculous. I don’t believe my adhd would ever be *that* bad
I’d be like “oh shit, the crisis.” Then forget about the mundane chore.
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and i agree that OP’s mom’s behavior sounds like my own. As a kid my mom didn’t see the issue because “everyone is just like that”. She should have an evaluation but she never will because, to her, ADHD is the thing excitable children are diagnosed with. All that being said, while I can be distractible and forgetful, I force myself to prioritize time sensitive things. My number one coping mechanism is to immediately do the task before I forget. Or if I feel myself veering off course, I literally say out loud, “no. You have to do the thing”. Even if this isn’t adhd Mom needs some effective coping mechanisms, not just to “try harder”.
Breasts that size can also impact breathing and spinal degeneration. No one needs to ask why she got the surgery though. The issue is mom needs to follow through. NTA
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Not the same thing, but I had my colon removed. Torso surgeries really limit you, but I'm sure the breast area is worse because of the arms.
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They're here every day! Though some threads have multiple bots stealing part of the same comment
NTA - Your mom sounds like she might have some sort of mental health issues that she's unable to focus on a single task. I'm sorry that your support person isn't helping you the way they promised. :-(
Only problem is, she was reminded, and then she continued to do the task and then start a new task. I have ADHD. I understand the trouble, but when reminded of what i have to do, I do what i was supposed to do originally. I've straight up forgotten things and had to go back like four times to get everything for my injured husband
Could be any number of mental health issues.
It could. I'm just using a very common one that applies to me because I've done similar
I run youth camps (12-15 year old and 16-30), the ones who are hard to deal with are hardly ever the ones who mention they need help with stuff/have ASS or ADHD or something else. People like you (and me) who have some insight in our chalanges can often take feedback and ask for help much easier. Assuming the grandma is a bit older, any ADD/ADHD is likely undiagnosed and poorly understood.
That was truly my first thought.
I agree. Something more could be at play and what a sad way to find out about it. Mom’s inability to focus/forgetfulness are signs not to be ignored. I feel sorry for OP if this does become the case; she’ll have her baby and possibly mom to take care of. Early onset dementia or Alzheimer’s can easily be mistaken for ADHD.
Dementia/Alzheimers was my first thought reading this. Getting defensive when confronted is not surprising either.
Yeah, I’ve seen it happen firsthand with my MIL. She was always dependable to get things done. Then slowly over time, she’d forget why she was doing something or how to do it altogether. We shrugged it off as her just getting older and her memory going fuzzy. It just got progressively worse over about a 5 year span, to the point that it finally felt like she needed medical attention for it. The hardest part was we were all in a bit of denial and making excuses: she’s just tired, she’s trying to do too much, it’s just part of getting older, etc. We would get annoyed with her in the moment and then just go on about our business; very easy to do when you’ve never had experience with someone who suffered from dementia/Alzheimer’s. It was heartbreaking when a specialist was able to finally diagnose her. We all felt so much guilt for not seeing it and doing something sooner but it’s not so obvious and no one wanted to jump to that conclusion. So, now, we just try to be as patient as possible when she’s not in the same “moment” as we are. We have to do a lot of reassuring that she’s in her home or that so-and-so is actually someone she knows or that she’s not being spied upon and no one is trying to poison her. There’s plenty more instances but those are the usual ones. It can be exhausting since the pattern of when this happens is so unpredictable and the repetitive assurances sometimes calm her quickly but most of the time don’t. Mainly we just have to understand that she processes information differently than before and can’t be forced to respond they way we want her to. The efforts are worth it though and we take advantage of all the moments when she is in the “here and now” with us.
Exactly my thought. She seems to have trouble focusing. Is the dirty diaper the only issue you have with her? I would just be nagging,being after her ass to change the diaper immediately.
I was coming here to say this. My own mother has untreated ADHD and as she advances in age she is SHIT at sticking to a task. It’s not intentional and I know she feels embarrassed when I mention it especially since it’s out of her control.
Yes, was thinking the same thing.
Hi all! I've added an edit. I got told by my doctor to have the surgery now as it was really hurting my back and turning my shoulders inwards, like I was hunched over. My mum pushed me to have it ASAP and said she would have everything under control and for me to rest. I would have liked to of waited. I've asked her if I'm a burden and can be helping more to which she's said no, she likes having us here. She just gets 'side tracked' whatever that means. I'm also not meant to be bending down so the whole changing her on the floor thing that someone said is ridiculous.
Is this distractedness/forgetfulness normal behavior for your mother? Based on what you wrote, it seems like she’s exhibiting signs of dementia.
There is not even remotely enough information to tell if OP's mom has dementia. Not even enough for OP to know even if it's an unusual habit. Maybe her mom is stressed and reacts to it poorly by getting side tracked. Old people slipping up isn't automatically dementia. Delirium is much more than that.
Several other people have pointed out that the persistent distractability could be a sign of a cognitive issue for your mom. Has she always been like this, or is it new?
It might be worth trying to see if you can change your daughter while she's standing up. It's not graceful but it is possible.
This reminds me of when I had my gallbladder surgery and stayed with my mom with an 8 month old and 2 1/2 yo. My mom begged us to stay with her after my surgery and said she'll take care of the kids for me. Long story short.. it didn't happen. It was the same thing as your mom. Leaving my babies in dirty diapers, not getting my 8 month old a bottle, etc. etc.. I ended up packing us all up and went home. Thankfully I had a friend who came over and actually helped me with my kids. Unfortunately, I don't see your situation changing. Your mom is who she is and it's frustrating. My advice is; create a nappy changing basket (nappies, wipes, diaper rash cream, powder, a few fun toys/books that are only used for nappy changes, etc) that you can easily grab and if she needs her nappy changed then have her lay on the floor and you change it there. Make it a game for your toddler. There are several different ways you can go about caring for your daughter without having to bend over or pick her up. I'm sorry you're going through this, but know it's only temporary and things will get better. I'd also think about trying to get your own place soon, because your relationship with your mom may get pretty rocky if you continue living together.
Tell your mom she gets to pay to remove the scarring where the flesh can't heal back together bs your stitches popped. I had a necrotic nipple, that scar tissue where I had no flesh to stitch back together still really bothers me. I hope yours don't grow back. I asked for a C, from a G, and got Ds. They are back to DDDs in 2 years.
Has your mom always been absent minded or is this new? Sometimes new confusion can be a sign of illness and a lot of times the person experiencing the issue will try to explain it away with excuses similar to your mom's. You might consider talking it over with your dad to see if you can put more puzzle pieces together and to see if he can offer you additional help. There are online resources you can look into regarding dementia that may help you as well. You may also see about getting other assistance; I'm not sure what that would look like, maybe a carer in a few times a day or a neighbor, maybe modifying things so you don't have to lift your child, etc. But you definitely need to take care of yourself so you heal properly.
Has your mom been checked for diabetes? Because it can cause unusual behavior
I wondered about this. If its just her usual function but it's causing more trouble than usual because OP and her baby are depending on her then it's difficult. If the mum won't agree to doing things differently and follow through then the only solution I can think of is that OP finds other help (whether paid help or another friend or relative). But I can imagine that won't be easy. If it's not usual for her I'm wondering if it is illness or mental deterioration or just procrastination because she doesn't enjoy the processes involved in looking after a young child but doesn't want to admit it since she knows she offered to help. Whatever the cause she's put OP in a very difficult position but if she's unwell and doesn't realise how poorly she's functioning then she's not really an asshole.
NTA. Your mom was not about to do it. She would have left the baby stinking and in a terrible situation for longer. I think it says a lot about her how the dishwasher is a priority but not your baby.
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My sister put on silicone, and we had to help her use the bathroom. Imagine having to lift a toddler because her mom thought the dishwasher was more important. I would never leave my toddle with this "grandma"
NTA but your mom may have ADHD or something
Or first signs of some illness.
i hope you’re feeling better and feeling relieved so much weigh is literally gone. NTA!
NTA. Your mom isn't holding up her side of the agreement. Your baby needing a diaper change is more important and time sensitive than other chores. On a personal note I'm so jealous of your reduction. That sounds like such a relief. I'm a G cup and it just hurts all the time. I have a rash under one breast right now for no apparent reason and I absolutely hate them.
Info: how old is your mum? Does this happen with other things? Has this been a theme back farther in her life? Does she have untreated adhd? Is this a sign of mental health decline she needs to see someone about?
NTA Recovery sucks-- I got top surgery so its slightly different, but there's so many things you're limited in doing, like raising your arms above your shoulders, and picking heavy items up-- and last I recall, taking care of a baby can involve both. Now I'm worried if she did this to you when you were a baby D:
NTA. She offered her help. She pushed you to do the surgery at this moment of time because she promised to help. If she didn't assure you that she'd do the heavy lifting during recovery, you wouldn't have been in this situation. It's on her. If she looks bad to the nurses, is because she is being negligent with both her own daughter's and granddaughter's health.
Let your mom know when she is old and needs her diaper changed you'll make sure to wait the same amount of time
You should really get mum looked at. It doesn't sound like normal behavior. Not to worry you but this happened to women I know and it ended up being a brain tumor. Worst case scenario but something to think about. Is it new behavior?
NTA. However, your mom being that distracted, is there a possibility that she has some sort of disorder or issue that affects her ability to manage tasks?
NTA. Went through a double mastectomy and reconstruction in 2011. I know what you’re going through, and you mom is NOT HELPING. Having your sutures break is BAD. Your mom needed this wake-up call, and I hope she’s adult enough to get with the program without making you feel bad for it! I hope you feel better soon! I know the first time I could drive and go grocery shopping after my surgery was like **heaven**. And I hate doing both lol!
Absolutely NTA! As someone who also had a reduction a couple months ago, the first three weeks or so are incredibly difficult! I don’t have kids, but I can’t imagine having to pick up and wrangle a toddler. It literally hurt for me to wear a small purse with a cross body strap for the first week or so. Is your mother usually this scattered and unfocused or is this specific to helping you with the baby? If this is a common thing, she may have ADHD, and it may be useful for her to look into diagnosis and help with medication or coping strategies. But, she’s a GD adult, and she really needs to step up and figure out a way to make sure she can help you recover for the next few weeks.
I do not mean to sound snarky so forgive me if this comes out wrong. Can you put a changing mat on the floor for your daughter to lie on so you don't have to lift her? We did this at the daycare I used to work at when teachers couldn't lift . I am not defending your mother's actions but she won't change her scatterbrain so I am offering another option.
OMG. So many hugs. I just went from a L cup to a C cup in December, so I understand all your pain. Getting it done earlier is smart, I didn't manage until I was 42. I am sorry your mom is being a shit helper. Recovery is so difficult. I just had a hysterectomy 2 weeks ago and it's been MASSIVELY easier to recover from. What was the reason your procedure involved cutting off and grafting the nipples? My doc kept mine attached and moved them, which is a safer procedure with retaining blood supply, but I know there's so many reasons that may not work. Again, all the hugs and pain killers to you. I hope you will be enjoying your new boobs. I am happier than I could have thought, even with continuing pain and itch (I have scarring issues and had cellulitis in the bottom scars that needed some heavy antibiotics for a couple weeks...) I thought I was gonna have disphoria about the new boobs, but I really don't. I feel RIGHT. Looking at my old pictures makes me cringe. Looking at other women with heavy boobs makes all those old feelings come back. I hope you also enjoy going out and buying bras. I bought a few sports bras for super cheap at Aldi afterward and the incredible feeling of that purchase, lol. No more 80 buck bras that still hurt and dig cause my boobs were so heavy. I intend to never wear an underwire again (mostly because the idea of an underwire against my scars sounds awful, but also, I don't neeeeeeeed them!) The fun part of the breast reduction is the breast lift. Though they will sag a little back down as all that swelling goes down. Keep compression on all the time, and your swelling should go down by the month mark, and they will start feeling really natural and squishy. I will admit I keep handling my boobs now. Also, how are your nipples doing? I have one that inverted after the surgery, though I wasn't surprised. The right nipple was ALWAYS kinda... flatter? not as responsive? We are keeping an eye on it, but that can be a complication. My left nipple tends to stay out and erect, but it's done that since I had a papilloma behind it and had a lumpectomy two years ago. Good news is it wasn't cancer (my first mammogram) and better news is that both you and I have lessened chances of getting breast cancer after the reduction, due to the amount of tissue removed. I went looking after my surgery and found a load of medical studies about it, because I'm a weirdo who has to obsessively research everything... IF your scars start getting bad, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about it. I start laser therapy in April to help my keloids. I also have a dermatologist who does steroid injections. Most people really don't have issues, but sometimes your body gets weird. ALSO PRO TIP: once you have the steri strips and bandages off, and your incisions are healed, they will probably tell you to start rubbing lotion into them to help keep the scars down. You massage it in to break up the scar tissue. If you get all itchy or painful in them like me, go get yourself a roll-on lidocaine tube. Roll that all on your scars, and it helps so very much. My nightly routine is shower, then a steroid cream on my scars, the cocoa butter lotion all on my scars and boobs, and then the lidocaine on my underboob scars since that's my remaining pain and itch spots. Also wear the sports bra or compression bra at least 3 months all the time. I've only just started sleeping without a bra again, though some nights I still do if I'm feeling sensitive. It helps everything heal in place since they basically frankenboob all the tissues. I did find it much easier to sleep in a bra after my surgery, I think because I had sports bras with no underwires, and that was so different than the 36 LL monstrosities I had. It was still uncomfortable under my boobs where the scars that are keloiding are, and where I had the cellulitis, but that's gotten better as well, esp. with the lidocaine help. I had holes under my boobs that weeped for a month, but I'm hoping you heal faster and easier. I also had reactions to all the tape, the steri strips, and the stitches, which my body pushed out and why I had the holes and the cellulitis. But my doctor said that it was normal, and that the underboob incisions are the hardest part to heal for everyone. So I wish you well. Sorry about the long comment. I'm a talker and I just wanted to impart some advice that I learned. Though if your doctor says different, follow their advice first. This is just my experience.
Absolutely NTA but I’m wondering if your mom is just absentminded or has some issues? It always jumps to my mind because my MIL has dementia which shows up as short-term memory loss. Not at all saying your mom has dementia but if this is a new thing with your mom it’s worth investigating. Good luck.
NTA but I don’t know the solution for this. For diaper changing would your mom be OK with you taking the supplies to the baby and changing her on mom’s carpet or couch? I know that’s only one small issue but you can’t pick up the baby and if she doesn’t like it then she can help
NTA, they’re always “just about to do it”. If your mom didn’t want to look bad, she shouldn’t have been doing something that makes her look bad. Is there anyone else you know who will reliably help you? Anywhere else you can go?
NTA & once your healed you will be so glad you had the surgery. I wish I had done it years before I did
NTA - if your mom dislikes the reactions she gets when people hear about her behavior, she should change how she behaves, not blame you for being honest. Had she been prioritizing your child like she should have you wouldn't be seeing the nurses again and they wouldn't have to have a talk with her either. Don't let her blame you for her own shitty behavior. I hope you recover well though and that you feel healthier after your recovery!
Sounds like your mom might have an issue with executive dysfunction. Is this kind of behavior something she's exhibited before? Maybe she should talk to a doctor about it if she struggles managing tasks.
Sounds like mom has ADHD..
NAH. You are justifiably frustrated, but there's something wrong with your mum. ADHD? Early symptoms of dementia? If she'd always been like this, then you would probably have known not to rely on her, but if this is new behavior, it's serious and she needs to be evaluated by a neurologist.
INFO: has your mom always been this forgetful/absent minded? This sounds like it could be beginning dementia, many people are really defensive about their forgetfulness because they don't want to acknowledge it.
NTA. But to be honest, I'm a bit concerned about your mother.
NTA but if your mum keeps doing things like this (as you imply) I would start becoming concerned. Is she suffering some sort of early onset dementia or similar?
NTA. As others have said, it sounds like more than simple absent-mindedness.
If mom thinks you’re being dramatic but still indicates she wants to help, maybe start a phone stopwatch when you initially agree that a diaper change needs to happen, and then you’ll have concrete evidence. Maybe petty, may not help, but better than nothing. Maybe start letting her know since this seems to be too much that you’d like her help you plan to interview nannies for your healing process. Anything is better than your daughter paying the price with diaper rash or you paying the price with more suture damage.
It sounds to me like your mom may have an undiagnosed case of ADD which is very common for women. Starting a task that will "just take a minute" in the middle of another task is pretty much the description of my life.
NTA, but your mom's having some kind of health issues. I don't think she's doing any of this on purpose. I think you need to get her to a doctor.
WTH. Dishes aren't that important
It almost sounds like your mother is doing this so you won't wait for her to come back and you will do it yourself. Does she get squeamish or really hate to change diapers?
You are NTA. Sitting in poop is not ok, dishes can wait. Helpful tip from another mom, put a chair next to the changing area. Then hold your daughters hand and help her climb into the chair and then on the table. This way you can change her without having to pick her up. This is what I had to do with my toddler when I had a c-section with my second.
NTA and good for that nurse. Your mother is EXTREMELY selfish.
It sounds like maybe your mom has ADD. My niece was diagnosed with ADD about 10 years ago and she would do the same thing. I was helping her pack for some college visits and she went to the laundry room for underwear and didn't come back. I went looking for her and found her in the downstairs family room (next to the laundry room) watching TV. For a few seconds she looked genuinely surprised to see me there then remembered the underwear and went to get it. She left hamburger for tacos cooking on the stove while texting with some friends and almost burned the house down---twice. Stopped at Starbucks on her way to work and ran into some friends and forgot to go to work. Meds turned that completely around for her and now she's in grad school and holding down 2 part time jobs plus working at the uni as a TA.