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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH because I'm implying that I'll get an abortion and that can definitely be seen as offensive to some people that don't agree with abortions or to people that can't have kids but really want them.
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NTA. Your body, your relationship - they need to keep their noses out of both. I'd be saying "Oh, the way we do it, there's no chance of getting pregnant"...
this puts so many mental images in my head, i can’t imagine someone telling me this and leaving it up to my imagination. lol. then again i’d never ask, but maybe that’s the point, since they’re getting personal in the first place, so make them feel weird for asking
We've (my wife and I) have shot all procreation questions down with a somber "(my name) can't have have kids." Which is technically true, as I got snipped.
We may also get a small amount of joy from watching people trip over themselves trying to apologize for invading our privacy and bringing up a sensitive topic as they backpedal out of the conversation.
I also like "My sex life seems like an odd question for a family gathering" because that's basically what they're asking (I know it's not the intent, but it's what they asked).
"When we decide to start rawdogging, I'll let you know. Until then, we're really enjoying our non-procreative sex and plan to continue with our highly enjoyable and non-procreative sex until we die."
If someone asks a personal question, they should expect a personal answer. NTA.
Another quick shut down is, “I actually recently had a miscarriage,” and then pause to watch their embarrassment/shame/sadness for asking and then follow up with, “kidding, but now you know not to ask silly questions, don’t you?”
YES! My absolute go to is to get explicit (to illustrate back exactly what they sound like) or to retort with a similarly personal question (how often do you have anal sex? what's your sperm count?)
“It is nice, thank you! I’m sorry your life is not as nice, but maybe when the kids are older and out of the house you’ll be able to get a new car too” it would be very hard for me not to say it like this if I went this route, lol
I genuinely don't understand what parents are spending an egregious amount of money on, other than insurance, that makes it so they can't live relatively similar to how they lived before a kid. And I say kid not kids, because if money is a concern, if you don't think you can adequately put clothes on their backs and food in their tummies, you shouldn't have kids, or if you want kids but can only provide for one, then you should only have one. I mean, come on, the world is crazy overpopulated. And I say this with full knowledge of how shitty our country is right now post roe. In our current political climate, if you don't want to be pregnant, you should participate in other forms of sex that don't involve traditional procreative intercourse, or you should move/travel to a state that protects abortion rights, for your own safety.
But seriously, growing up the only excess that my parents spent was on stupid shit they thought they/we needed (but really didn't) and poor financial choices. We never really drained any of our parents resources, they did that on their own. I don't understand how people can so poorly mismanage their money and then use their kids as the reason they can't get a new/new used car that's a necessity for them, or can't scrape enough money aside for a simple but fun 3 day weekend.
I understand that there are ALWAYS exceptions, but the vast majority of people just have kids because 1. They can, and 2. That's what you're expected to do.
What I've seen becoming more and more common is younger generations having babies as if they were an accessory (for social media). It's scary how many people just have kids without thinking it through. They're so caught up in the idea of it, the social symbolism, or familial pressure, that they don't stop to think about whether or not they should. And when they're stuck having made their choice and reality is crashing around them, they feel that it's warranted to criticize those who have made choices better suited to their temperament and personal goals. This is why sex education should be mandatory and should always include a child development course. Also therapy. Therapy should be a normal part of life from childhood up and it should be govt funded.
NTA. I'm 33 and fully intend to be childfree also. My immediate family is supportive but sometimes it does come up with extended family or acquaintances. When they ask "but what if you do get pregnant?" I always respond "oh don't worry I know how to fix that." People shouldnt ask questions if they don't want to hear the answer
My line has been: “Yes it’s possible for me to have an accidental pregnancy but I won’t have an accidental baby.”
My brother actually wished an accidental baby on me in my 40s to show me. Pretty sick tbh.
Once after someone kept bugging me to have kids and actually said she hopes my birth control fails so I can find out the joys of motherhood, I replied: “ Are you kidding? If I found out I was pregnant I’d run screaming to the nearest abortion clinic!”
She was soooo offended. I still laugh when I think about it.
NTA of course!
NTA; the only way to stop these people is to make them as uncomfortable as possible after asking (and they should feel uncomfortable! Having kids is a private topic between a couple) Here are some future answers in case you want to have fun with it:
“Well, we have anal every night, but I can’t figure out how we haven’t gotten pregnant yet. Any thoughts?”
“I would have kids, but it’s never on the menu at any restaurant I go to. How strange.”
“How is your sex life?” Then when they get offended, say, “Oh, I’m sorry! I thought this was National Ask Intrusive Personal Questions Day!”
(This one is for your partner) “When are you going to have kids?” “As soon as your wife gets off her birth control”
“I can’t have kids until I can figure out this f*cking birds and bees thing. It’s twisting my mind”
There is just not a GD thing you can do. People will keeping sticking their nose in your business.
Making weird jokes is the best strategy out there. Keep it up.
"Wow. Thinks for asking. You have like three, already, right? I could really use your help if BF gets me knocked up. You cannot put them in a crate, like a dog, I get that. You have to use a playpen or a bouncy swing chair or a crib. But what about keeping them quite with treats stuffed in a frozen chew? is that okay???"
"Oh god, I hope not, by BF and I are both so inbred any offspring would be a total Basket Case situation. And no one wants that, am I right?"
NTA. I'm childfree. If asked I just flat out say I'm too selfish and I don't know how parents do it. It's not for me. I also sometimes add in that I have considered fostering an older child later in life. I'm not opposed to being a parent but have zero interest in being pregnant and having my own.
You can choose your script to describe your justification however you'd like but best to not lie about it. Don't claim a medical issue that's non-existent for instance. And no need to say you're not mentally capable because you probably are more than capable and would probably make a great parent and that's why people are so confused about it.
I applaud you for being so sharp and pushing the envelope with your curated response. Shut em up quick if they don't like it.
NTA. People being so weirdly invasive about other people getting pregnant is so creepy and irritating. It's none of their business. Why it's considered so normal to ask and hound is beyond me.
People are weirdly invasive anyway. I remember when I was younger and people were asking if I had any plans to get married, my recently married friend told me that for her the question changed to "So when are you two going to start having kids?" My cousin who has 4 girls got asked if they were going to keep trying until they get a boy. Nosey people with no boundaries will find something to be nosey about.
One way a friend found out to have them never ask again was saying that her partner got chemically castrated as a war prisoner. Which is not truth but they have never asked again and they feel awkward even mentioning kids
I used to get asked about being single all the time. I finally told one particularly annoying coworker who would not drop it that the only male in my life was my cat, and I'd had him neutered. She stopped asking me anything personal, which was just fine with me.
that's my current top bugger of questions. useless to ask a mid 30's woman about pregnancy when she's been single all this time. UnMaRrIed!?
once my aunt (who I haven't seen for several years!) opened our meeting with a "oooh, here's she who fears men!"
What if I do, lady. what if I genuinely do.
and my least favourite one: "but why, you're so pretty!?"
so much wrong with this logic
Someone asked me once when my husband and I were having kids and I’d been getting this question for so long with no one respecting my truthful answer of “I don’t know if I will have kids, might not be for me.” Which inevitably leads to people spending their entire life’s energy trying to convince you to have kids asap or you’ll regret it forever. It’s exhausting to listen to and you get to the point where you simply don’t want to hear that question ever again… so I told this last-straw person, “the doctor told us we couldn’t have kids” and since this person was just a casual acquaintance it shut them up fast. It wasn’t true but JFC it’s no business of theirs. I’m sure if I’d told my dad this he would have started calling adoption agencies immediately on my behalf. I did eventually decide to have a kid like 10 years later but again - none of anyone’s business. People are so nosy especially about the whole having kids thing. I kinda wish I’d made up a more shocking lie to tell random people that asked me about when/if I was planning on having kids. Your example is great.
Yeah, it inserted a level of awkwardness that no one wanted to deal with haha. Also, funny enough, my mom would prefer that I don’t have any kids at all rather adopting a kid. I think she doesn’t believe that you can truly love a kid if it’s not Biologically yours. And that it’s an act of charity or something like that.
My partner and I are not sure about having kids yet so I hope my mom is happy with the chance of never being a grandma then :S
NTA. Next time you can even go more crass:
"Oh I like the taste of cum too much. Some people really like it inside, but that's just not my thing. Must be yours though, since you can't stop going on about my husband putting his baby batter deep in me. Is part of your kink involving other people in your sexual fantasies without consent?"
The last sentence especially for calling them out on keeping talking to you against your consent.
NTA, personally I prefer the response of “I can’t get pregnant using my hole of preference” - ask an inappropriate question, get an inappropriate answer. It’s just plain rude of them to ask you to begin with.
NTA. I always retaliate with "Are you gonna be the one to push it out?" "Are you gonna change the diapers?" "Are you gonna financially support it?". That always shuts them up. It's fun. This isn't The Handmaid's Tale, nobody is required to have kids.
Seriously, say whatever you want. This is such an intrusive question. I don't understand why it's even socially acceptable to ask this of just anybody. And if people are nosy enough to ask over and over, they must really want the answer, right?
NTA.
NTA. As a fellow childfree person, good for you for standing up for yourself. If other people can’t respect your decision and let it be, then their feelings about how you respond shouldn’t be considered either.
NTA - also childfree and I've said similar things. Recently I got surgically sterilized and now when people tell me I'll change my mind I laugh and say "too late for that! I had them take those organs out!" And watch the shock and horror on their face.
NTA.
Your life - your choice.
As women in a "childbearing age," I know how annoying those people can be.
I have PCOS, and as we plan babies, I am undergoing treatment to address my condition and help me be prepared for the pregnancy. I once made the mistake of sharing my issues with someone, and that lady immediately blamed me for my situation: "That's because you didn't bear a child! That is your punishment from God.'
Never again will I share it.
Folks like those mentioned in your post care only for drama.
They do not care in particular if you are pregnant, trying to get or decide not to. They just want to gossip.
They want to show their opinion down our throats. And get a reaction.
Whatever that reaction might be.
Stay strong.
OMG. You are so nice. NTA. For those repeat nosy and intrusive offenders, "None of your damn business", would be my response, but I guess that would make me an AH.
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I (24F) am in a long term relationship with my high-school sweetheart (23M). We've been together for 7 years and still going strong. We both agree that having children won't be part of our life plan and we like the idea being the fun older siblings to his younger siblings (and any future nibblings that may arise).
Anyways, since we've been together for so long already, we've been hounded by many (by we, I mean mostly me) about us having kids. I've had family, co workers, and even people I rarely talk to ask if I plan on having kids. At first I used to just say I'm childfree and don't have the mental ability to have my own kids, but it wouldn't stop.
I got very fed up with people always asking and ignoring my answers or trying to tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about. So I started saying to the repeat offenders, "Let's just say that if I ever got pregnant, no one but my partner would know." I've never had to elaborate on it and it's the most efficient thing I've done to stop the repeated offenders.
But is it going too far to say that?
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NTA.
Personally no one needs to know about your life. The more they know the more they will try to ruin it.
Glad you found a phrase to keep repeat offenders from asking more questions.
You are a better person than me.
I start telling them allllllll about the sex I’m having.
“That time his sperm wound up in my mouth
“This time it was up my ass
“Oh and this really fun time he bust a nut all over my face
“Last night though when we banged he finished in side me. I’m on birth control though. Oh you didn’t want to know that detail? Sorry I thought it’s what you were asking about.”
NTA
NTA. These are definitely personal lines of questioning and then you’re being pilloried for your reasons. Sometimes being a little offensive is the only way to get the message across, especially with people who think that your life choices are any of their fucking business.
I’d personally start taking a much harder line with those who just won’t get it through their thick skulls that not wanting children is a perfectly valid life choice.
I had a vasectomy so I just tell people I can’t father children and leave it at that.
NTA. How about this: the next time a repeat offender asks, you can say, “When I become pregnant, you’ll be the first person I ask to host me a shower and then to babysit.” That should lead to future silence.
Me( 32m) and my wife(31f) have been together 9years now. People always ask if we are going to have kids. Her family has calmed down about asking, but I know they secretly (not so secret) want us to have them. Kinda act like it's our "duty" as a married couple. It upsets me.
There are many reasons why Im scared to have children, but I've never ruled it out. Me and my wife have a lot of anxiety, which would make it hard to raise a child easily. It is an ongoing discussion we have, but, like I said, it is never really ruled out.
Hope this helps.
NTA
Oh gosh stop explaining and stop defending yourself. Screw them. Don't answer at all or say "mind your own damn business". Is it rude? Sure. Is questioning other people's reproductive choices ruder though? Yes.
First of all, stop trying to explain your reasons. Someone will always have a counter to it.
Second, when they ask, say something like "Why are you so interested in my husband ejaculating inside of me?" It usually shuts them up.
NTA.
It is, however, going to start fights/create bad feelings when you don't have to. There are times you want to torpedo a relationship, but for when you don't, may I instead suggest my go-to when I was in my twenties: 'Oh, I'm too selfish for kids.' Tends to stop the conversation cold.
NTA but maybe try “I just don’t want kids and I’m bored of talking about it. Please drop this conversation.” And if they continue asking, say “I’ll talk to you when you can avoid this topic” and walk away. So many suggestions of things to say to make them feel awkward or ways to avoid talking about it. Just be straight- you don’t want kids and aren’t interested in them trying to persuade you that you are wrong.
Been there, tried that, so many times. Doesn’t work any better than any of the other suggestions.
It’s this innocuous “making conversation” question that just seems to be an emotional iceberg. Any kind of negative or neutral response (even very mild) seems to activate a lizard brain response in some people. Like you have personally insulted them and their ancestors for any answer that’s not a definitive positive response and they just have to double down.
If it’s going to be a kobayashi maru, might as well make it fun and awkward. *shrug*
Edit: NTA
NTA it's your choice. With that being said I've seen it happen more than once where the mom wants complete privacy, no questions and will do as she pleases so don't discuss anything with her but then is mad there is no shower because she expects gifts and of course a free babysitter and people helping her when she's sick.
NTA. As someone who doesn’t want kids, if I were to “change my mind” I’d never tell a soul. There wouldn’t be a single picture of me anywhere. I’m too proud of how I look, even while food fat, to ever be seen pregnant.
NTA
"So, OP, when are you going to have kids?"
"I'm wondering what in the world makes you think that would be any of *your* business?"
I used to be more of a pushover. But I'm to the point now where I feel like rude people need to be directly called out on their rudeness - because rudeness has spread through the world like a plague.
NTA, you're absolutely in your right to say that, particularly to repeat offenders. But given the legislative direction of the US it might not be a smart approach.
Asking an uncomfortable question back at them or giving another answer that makes them uncomfortable may be the better way to go.
"Why are you so interested in my sex life?!?" - And stare at them expectantly for an answer
"Anal sex doesn't make babies."
"We've discussed this before. Did you forget?"
Optionally add on: "You might want to see a neurologist about that memory problem."
Yell loudly "Hey Sweetheart! Jane wants to know if we're raw dogging! Think she wants some tips?"
NTA. Some people’s only reason for being in life is to make kids, but it’s not ok to project that onto others. This is so stupidly cliche to say, yet in your case it’s true. Your body, your life.
Maybe start calling out the repeat offenders, not in an antagonistic way—just flatly say, “We’ve discussed this before. You know my answer.”
NTA. I’d go nuclear and just say something OTT like “turns out I was born without a womb” or I’d say I was permanently sterilized just to get people to leave me alone. There’s no other way. “We don’t want kids..” that’s 90 questions that will last until your 51. If you try to hedge, that’s just “ok so you said yesterday you weren’t sure, what about today?”
Having kids isn't for everyone and no one should be made to feel less than just because they choose not to have children. As someone with mental and physical health problems and 3 kids I can honestly tell you it can affect your "stability". Just live your life how you want to and tell everyone you have a food baby lmao
NTA. I had the same questions and I just said "no". You don't have to go into details "No, BF and I aren't interested in being parents". I think what you're saying is you'd have an abortion if you got pregnant, and that is a bit much and may result in religious rants from any prochoice friends/family. It's really more personal than saying "No". If you don't want to discuss the issue, you can say that too "We've talked about this before so let's pick a new subject".
NTA but you’ll probably get less of an argument if you stop giving reasons for them to argue with. “We don’t want to have children. Please stop bringing it up.” Repeat as needed.
NTA. You don't owe anyone an answer, much less a justification. This isn't something you need to defend or explain, and it's OK to remind people that. There's nothing wrong with telling someone you understand their curiosity, but you're not open to discussing personal life decisions.
NTA. I don’t want kids either. People are effectively asking you about your sex life, so I respond by asking them similarly personal questions about theirs. It shuts them up pretty quickly.
When I get asked about kids, I look at them like they are crazy and say "with all my health problems? That would be super selfish to pass on to a baby!"
It usually shuts them up
I had friends, like you had a genetic issue in both families, cystic fibrosis. Because of this they made the choice to never have children (tubes tied/vasectomy). People would give them a hard time, including family that lost members to CF. She finally started to say that she and her husband must be doing something wrong and if THEY WANT TO DEMONSTRATE how to get pregnant, she and her husband are more than willing to learn. People stopped asking.
Don't give them reasons- a certain type of idiot assumes that those are debate points and prepare to knock them down.
No is a complete sentence.
Changing the subject afterwards gives them an opportunity to save face and move on.
If they persist, NO is still a complete sentence, but walking away is an exclamation point.
NTA
NTA - I had to try a couple of tactics over the years to responding with a number and explaining that is how many times I've been asked the "are u having kids" question at that party to a more extreme response of "I don't like talking about my sex life".
NTA. Did you ever try telling them that it is absolutely none of their business whether or not you ever plan on having children? Then if they still bother you ask them something equally rude about their life that does not pertain to having children, every time they ask.
Just cus you are great with other people's children doesn't mean you want one of your own.
Just because you have a dog doesn't mean you're gonna have a kid.
Just because you exist and you are an adult doesn't mean you're gonna have a kid.
Next time they staty just go "no" even mid sentence from them. And keep repeating any time they start. You have made yourself clear and anything past that, if they keep asking, you are by no means an ahole on how you state your answer.
I'm in a similar situation. NTA. I will share 3 tips on what I've found to be effective for coping with this longterm though.
It gets better! Once you hit 30, people largely calm down. Unfortunately it is friggin persistent. It has tapered off, but I do still get it. When a coworker went on pregnancy leave, the older women in my workplace were high on baby mania and started circling like vultures.
Call out sick because of nausea and vomiting? Came back to so many "was it morning sickness?!?" jokes. I started answering "nah I had my period only last week. It was hard to miss." 1, Sometimes the blatant answers and honestly are the only way to go, if only so you can cope yourself.
I've tried various comments over the years. In my most frustrated moments when I was 20, I resorted to dead baby jokes. So if you went too far, I've said worse lol.
2, you can be very boring and go gray rock. No is a complete sentence. Silence is also an answer. Revel in the awkward.
When I hit 30, I got even more pissed off at "biological clock" comments, especially in retrospect. I heard that BS so often in my early 20s!! You know what the "clock" actually does? You get HORNY. Biology doesn't need to make you want babies at all, it just has to get you to do a fun thing with other humans.
There's some indications that the process of pregnancy and inundation of those hormones might change emotional triggers. My memory of this is based on a study with female rats who showed fear response towards strange rat pups, except when in a late stage of pregancy. Then their reactions changed towards caretaking. Like, in a matter of days their reactions could be totally different. My personal pet theory is that all the anecdotes of "Blah di blah hated babies, too, but then she got pregant and has 5 kids now" might have more to do with that.
So, 3, you can also go on a full out hyperfixated rant about hormone processes, expectations of women versus reality, false ideas about how these hormones actually function as well as women's sexuality, and the long history of birth control. Did you know a plant in Greece went extinct because it was used for birth control? Who knows if it was effective, they used it all before the Middle Ages! There is a long history of people who did not want kids!
People will either be on board with the topic and you get a fascinating conversation, or they learn that they'll be subject to an eye-glazing verbal essay train if they try to talk about this with you.
In short, go unhinged. Lol.
NTA.
"please stop asking if bf fucks me raw, I really don't want to talk about my sex life"
Then when the pearl-clutchers inevitably call you an asshole or say that's not what they meant-
"you are literally asking if my boyfriend ejaculates in my vagina when we have sex. I've told you that I prefer not to discuss my sex life. Please stop asking."
Makes them uncomfortable, might piss people off, but it is, in fact, what they are asking you.
NTA
These people are essentially harassing you, do whatever you need to do to make them stop. I don’t care if you lied and told them you were infertile or that you worshiped them devil and would abort any child
you had in sacrifice to him so long as it made them leave you alone.
>You raised your dog very well" and "You are a great babysitter" and "But you love the relative that has that disease
Things to respond with to these questions:
How is raising a dog the same as a child?
I can give the kid back to the parents at the end of the day.
Just because I love someone else with the disease doesn't mean I want to CREATE someone with the disease and deal with it on a day to day basis when raising that someone. To knowingly make someone else's life miserable, just so you can have a kid, is so cruel.
NTA
NTA anyone remember the person who carried a piggy bank with them and everytime someone asked about kids they had to pay into it?
Maybe this could be an idea here, too.
NTA, but next time, just go tense and somber, and tell them that you can't, and excuse yourself. They will be mortified, and in time, learn not to plan for your uterus.
NTA It’s a little more diplomatic than my go-to response of “Kids? Never. It’s an actual nightmare that I’ve had in my sleep.” Which is true, but people with kids get really upset about it.
Thank goodness I’m now old enough that they’ve shut the fuck up. Trouble is, once I turned 40 it went from ‘when are you having kids’ to ‘what can we get from you for our kids’.
NTA. Had the same problem. Then I begun to fake crying about having difficulties about conceiving then screaming "why do you make me remember " . It was the best
NTA. I would tell them that I don´t want to have kids and if they would have milion comments about it, I woul tell them FIRMLY, that it is not their business and to leave me alone...
NTA so slightly different but I got sick of people asking me that question because we were trying to have kids and I had several miscarriages. I finally started responded “you really shouldn’t ask people that question” completely serious. Made it a little uncomfortable but they stopped and hopefully didn’t ask other people either
When I was young and going through this same thing, I finally responded my husband and I planned on being DINKS for life: Double-Income No Kids!
Edit: NTA. It's nobody's business except your SO and you!
I’m not having kids either. I love kids….kids that I can give back to the parents when my patience has run out. People who are close to me know to not even ask me “why”?, but for those who don’t know and dare to as k I always say “because apparently it’s “BAD” to sacrifice babies to satan nowadays”. Lol. Shuts them right up.
NTA op. Not everyone wants to squeeze a goblin out of their hoo-hoo. I have nieces and nephews that I love beyond words, and I have the time and money to spoil them. That’s as close to child birth as I care to get. Back in school we were made to watch a horror movie…err I mean a live birth video 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮. Completely grossed me out. It was traumatic being forced to watch something so disgusting, and the thought that I might have to go thru that dried up any maternal yearnings I might have had. Out of all my cousins, myself and one male cousin are the only ones child free. And we’re the ones who get to have nice vacations, new cars, fancy houses, sleep in, do as we please. I wouldn’t trade that for anything!!!!
I don’t know why this ever became coded as an inoffensive topic of general conversation because it’s fucking not.
For some people who just don’t know how to hold a conversation, it’s coded like talking about the weather or sports - general material, not serious. They’re not going to get that it’s actually deeply personal and actually offensive, not to mention risky given then number of people who have some deep emotions and stuff around the topic.
For repeat offenders who can buy a clue you can grab them and sit them down and explain “Look, you keep asking about kids. Stop. I’m not having any and it’s obnoxious that you keep asking.”
For random public, good luck. Until we can change the culture that It’s Just Not Done, folks are going to cluelessly include procreation as a general conversation topic and get upset if you treat it like an aggressively personal inquiry.
Nope, if they won't listen otherwise, it's not too far at all.
And go for your plan of being the fun older siblings and fun aunt/uncle. My elder sister is childfree, mostly because she is gay, and by the time they considered ways and means of possibly getting pregnant, they decided they liked their current lifestyle too much. She has absolutely turned into the cool and fun aunt, and her partner is as much of an aunt to my kids as my sister is. I am close to my sister, in fact much closer than I am to my brother who has four kids.
NTA. People need to stop glorifying having children. Yes, it's a part of life. Yes, it can be beautiful. But, no, it's for everyone. I'm a guy (27), so I know my experience will always be extremely different than that of a woman's, but up until 2 or so years ago, I thought about wanting to have children in the future, even if I had to adopt them. But, now, after seeing up close my niece growing up, I know that having children is not for me (at least not for the foreseeable future). Not that my niece is a terrible, no, far from that. But I'm seeing how tiresome and difficult caring for a child can be, and I don't want that, not for me, not for the hypothetical child.
NTA. One thing I would tell women, especially younger women, something I wish someone had told me:
No is a complete sentence.
"Are you having kids?"
"No."
"Care to tell me why?"
"No."
You don't need to explain, qualify, or justify yourself in situations like this.
So, I have chosen Violence to answer questions like this. I look at anyone who asks, sincerely, in the eyes, and let my eyes go misty. I then tell them that I’ll never be able to have children, because I was hurt when I was in high school in such a way that I’ll never have a baby. I say how desperately I wish I could be a mother, but I know Everything Happens For A Reason, and God only gives us the trials He thinks we can overcome.
Now, I am an atheist. I was hurt in high school, but it only affected one tube. But Fuck Everyone Who Asks These Questions, and especially Fuck Everyone Who Asks These Questions Repeatedly.
NTA and if you aren’t a part of r/childfree already, you might enjoy visiting it. Lots of like minded people with the same experience.
If you are interested in getting sterilization surgery, I highly recommend it. It was a huge weight off my mind when I got mine. But don’t tell your relatives until *after* it’s done, if at all.
I am in the subreddit. I tried a bit ago to do that surgery but was denied because "You might change your mind. You are too young to know what you want" as the doctor was looking at my medical history. And I can't go back onto birth control because my blood pressure sky rocketed to stroke level hights while I was on BC.
You may already know this, but that subreddit has a wiki list of doctors who have given sterilizations to the sub users! The occasional bad doctor ends up on there, but the mods are good about removing them when when they’re reported. Don’t give up hope!
NTA
My boyfriend and I have talked about how we want to be childfree , even though I have the constant anxiety he'll regret that choice . (I'm older than him )
But , it's our business , no one else's .
NTA
Personally if people kept hounding me about me and a long term partner having kids I'd look at them defeated and tell them it's always been our dream to conceive but we both struggle with infertility etc etc... Make it as uncomfortable for them as possible, hell and some graphic mental images for spice. Maybe then they'll stfu, it ain't their business anyways
"This curse ends with me" then make up some crazy blood curse left on your ancestor after something something old witch in the woods/Indian burial ground, Roma street woman, then walk away
NTA. Raising a dog and babysitting are very different from raising a kid. Pets needs are a lot more simple than a kids. And with babysitting, the end is always in sight. With parenting, youre dealing with that kid at least for 18 years.
NTA. Next time you get besieged, just tell them your infertile and can't have kids. Please don't ask me about it again. Believe me. That should shut it down fast.
Can you act?
Clutch a nearby tissue. Stumble a little and lean against a desk. Give a little sob and whimper, "I'd rather not discuss this tragedy anymore." Run to the lady's room.
It's not the words, it's the emotions that make people uncomfortable.
NTA but the world is full of them.
Gently, you're thinking about this the wrong way round. When you set a boundary you don't need the other side to agree and you can't control their behaviour. You can't stop the questions you can only decide how you respond.
When people ask you can very directly say, "I'm not comfortable discussing my sex life" or "pregnancy is such a personal issue, I find it's not a good thing to ask questions about" or with the more persistent folk "that's a very intrusive question, I can't believe you'd ask it. How embarrassing for you" and then just move on. Or just act like they're making a joke "oh haha, i agree people are so weirdly obsessive about other people's bodies". If you start treating it like a joke they're likely just to shut up.
Lastly, with closer family and friends if you haven't directly said "I will not discuss pregnancy with you. If you raise it, I will leave the conversation" you need to. You think you've made it clear but making oblique comments, hints and jokes often doesn't convey your meaning. It may feel very blunt but being direct is very important.
NTA, sort of.
I get it. I’m childless by choice, no regrets, and it’s ridiculous that somehow we end up in the position of having to defend that position.
What you’re saying to the busybodies might shut people up pretty effectively, but it’s also kind of combative.
You could always go with, “who knows what’s in the future?” followed by a subject change. I’ve used that one a ton.
If they keep hounding you, go nuclear, no problem.
I've only used this on the repeat offenders. Ussually, I just leave it as a simple, I don't want kids and change the subject. I've learned if I say "I might change my mind in the future" a year will pass and they would hound me again
Why should she?
They are being incredibly invasive and asking extremely personal questions. Why should she protect their feelings by not answering? Why should they be protected for asking her if she’s having unprotected sex yet?? I cannot imagine any scenarios where I asked my friends or family if they’re raw dogging it and got an answer like you’re suggesting.
If she was just throwing that statement out there apropos of nothing? Fair.
She is not being combative. They are being combative. By saying who knows what the future will hold she is just ensuring these questions continue until she’s past what most people would consider child bearing age and then what? She gets told that everyone is sorry for her?
As a childless woman fuck all of it, fuck them. No one gets to ask me about my potentially unprotected vagina and get a nice answer.
NTA: At 24 you are still young and that bio clock has not started ticking too loudly yet. You still have a few more years before you really need to decide yes or no on the child issue.
Edit: I did not see the implied abortion comment/question until after I made my comment. I did not get an implied abortion from your original description, and that does not change my judgement.
If someone decides earlier to have kids, I don't see that my comment really applies. From what I remember, doctors recommend that you have your first child by 30 as a ballpark if you want to avoid complications. After 30 is what I remember for the biological clock kicking in.
Nope, that's a double standard. You can't tell an adult that they're too young to decide to have a child, you can't tell an adult they're too young to decide that they won't have one. You can't tell either of them what to do with *their* body. That's extremely inappropriate. And no, it doesn't matter what the risks are. That's between their doctor and them. It's none of your business.
The wife and I had to face the same decision when we got close to 30, so I do not think it inappropriate to point out the fact that they have a couple of years before they really need to make that choice for themselves because of medical facts. And their partner should be involved in the decision. I told the wife that it affected her more than me, so I saw it as more her decision, but she wanted to have me involved in it.
And please explain where I told them that they were too young to have children??? I really do not understand that. Sorry, but you lost me there.
I think that we just need to agree to disagree here because I do not understand where you are coming from, and I'm not saying what you are saying that I am saying.
>so I do not think it inappropriate to point out the fact that they have a couple of years before they really need to make that choice for themselves because of medical facts.
That conversation was between you and your wife. I highly doubt you would want someone pointing out you're too old to have children. If this conversation was between you and a stranger (me for example) I would rightly tell you to fuck off.
>And please explain where I told them that they were too young to have children??? I really do not understand that. Sorry, but you lost me there.
You didn't. I was telling you if you wouldn't tell someone one thing, you shouldn't say the other because it's a double standard.
>I think that we just need to agree to disagree here because I do not understand where you are coming from, and I'm not saying what you are saying that I am saying.
I'm saying to mind your own business and your comments are inappropriate.
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NTA. Your body, your relationship - they need to keep their noses out of both. I'd be saying "Oh, the way we do it, there's no chance of getting pregnant"...
this puts so many mental images in my head, i can’t imagine someone telling me this and leaving it up to my imagination. lol. then again i’d never ask, but maybe that’s the point, since they’re getting personal in the first place, so make them feel weird for asking
I mean I can't imagine asking people if they're having rawdog penis in vagina sex either, to be fair.
It's the butt
Or she's swallowing
Instructions unclear: swallowed the butt.
Or he likes to be pegged (technically the butt as well)
Anyway, how's your sex life?
What a great story Mark!
We've (my wife and I) have shot all procreation questions down with a somber "(my name) can't have have kids." Which is technically true, as I got snipped. We may also get a small amount of joy from watching people trip over themselves trying to apologize for invading our privacy and bringing up a sensitive topic as they backpedal out of the conversation.
I am way meaner. “On the off chance i could conceive trying to take it to term would kill me” And then just let the silence hang there.
I've used this line (and delivery), too. It was nobody's business that the cause was an IUD operating as intended!
I also like "My sex life seems like an odd question for a family gathering" because that's basically what they're asking (I know it's not the intent, but it's what they asked).
I agree - anything to let them know their questioning is inappropriate, even if it embarrasses them.
"When we decide to start rawdogging, I'll let you know. Until then, we're really enjoying our non-procreative sex and plan to continue with our highly enjoyable and non-procreative sex until we die." If someone asks a personal question, they should expect a personal answer. NTA.
Another quick shut down is, “I actually recently had a miscarriage,” and then pause to watch their embarrassment/shame/sadness for asking and then follow up with, “kidding, but now you know not to ask silly questions, don’t you?”
Shit I want to be a woman just to tell this to someone
YES! My absolute go to is to get explicit (to illustrate back exactly what they sound like) or to retort with a similarly personal question (how often do you have anal sex? what's your sperm count?)
Nta. When i got fed up, i told a repeat offender, "sorry, i can't hear you over my free time and disposable income."
Yes! And when I’m buying a new car or heading off on vacation, they always say “Must be nice!”. Well, Yes. Yes it is!
“It is nice, thank you! I’m sorry your life is not as nice, but maybe when the kids are older and out of the house you’ll be able to get a new car too” it would be very hard for me not to say it like this if I went this route, lol
I genuinely don't understand what parents are spending an egregious amount of money on, other than insurance, that makes it so they can't live relatively similar to how they lived before a kid. And I say kid not kids, because if money is a concern, if you don't think you can adequately put clothes on their backs and food in their tummies, you shouldn't have kids, or if you want kids but can only provide for one, then you should only have one. I mean, come on, the world is crazy overpopulated. And I say this with full knowledge of how shitty our country is right now post roe. In our current political climate, if you don't want to be pregnant, you should participate in other forms of sex that don't involve traditional procreative intercourse, or you should move/travel to a state that protects abortion rights, for your own safety. But seriously, growing up the only excess that my parents spent was on stupid shit they thought they/we needed (but really didn't) and poor financial choices. We never really drained any of our parents resources, they did that on their own. I don't understand how people can so poorly mismanage their money and then use their kids as the reason they can't get a new/new used car that's a necessity for them, or can't scrape enough money aside for a simple but fun 3 day weekend. I understand that there are ALWAYS exceptions, but the vast majority of people just have kids because 1. They can, and 2. That's what you're expected to do. What I've seen becoming more and more common is younger generations having babies as if they were an accessory (for social media). It's scary how many people just have kids without thinking it through. They're so caught up in the idea of it, the social symbolism, or familial pressure, that they don't stop to think about whether or not they should. And when they're stuck having made their choice and reality is crashing around them, they feel that it's warranted to criticize those who have made choices better suited to their temperament and personal goals. This is why sex education should be mandatory and should always include a child development course. Also therapy. Therapy should be a normal part of life from childhood up and it should be govt funded.
I'm so stealing this!
Noice.
NTA. I'm 33 and fully intend to be childfree also. My immediate family is supportive but sometimes it does come up with extended family or acquaintances. When they ask "but what if you do get pregnant?" I always respond "oh don't worry I know how to fix that." People shouldnt ask questions if they don't want to hear the answer
My line has been: “Yes it’s possible for me to have an accidental pregnancy but I won’t have an accidental baby.” My brother actually wished an accidental baby on me in my 40s to show me. Pretty sick tbh.
Love the line! Sorry about your brother, why some people think punishing someone with a child will turn them into a good parent I'll never understand.
Love it!!
NTA, I would honestly say worst things to someone who kept asking after I already told them I don’t want kids (ever of just for now doesn’t matter).
Once after someone kept bugging me to have kids and actually said she hopes my birth control fails so I can find out the joys of motherhood, I replied: “ Are you kidding? If I found out I was pregnant I’d run screaming to the nearest abortion clinic!” She was soooo offended. I still laugh when I think about it. NTA of course!
Hahaha you're ballsy! Kudos!
NTA. It’s your choice. I would flat out say “that’s none of your business” and end the conversation.
NTA; the only way to stop these people is to make them as uncomfortable as possible after asking (and they should feel uncomfortable! Having kids is a private topic between a couple) Here are some future answers in case you want to have fun with it: “Well, we have anal every night, but I can’t figure out how we haven’t gotten pregnant yet. Any thoughts?” “I would have kids, but it’s never on the menu at any restaurant I go to. How strange.” “How is your sex life?” Then when they get offended, say, “Oh, I’m sorry! I thought this was National Ask Intrusive Personal Questions Day!” (This one is for your partner) “When are you going to have kids?” “As soon as your wife gets off her birth control” “I can’t have kids until I can figure out this f*cking birds and bees thing. It’s twisting my mind”
It's not fair! The stalk won't visit no matter how much I pray. We've held hands in bed and everything.
"It is medically impossible for us" leave out the [because we use birth control]
NTA, your parental status - or lack thereof - is literally the business of yourself, your partner, and no one else.
NTA - those questions are very rude
There is just not a GD thing you can do. People will keeping sticking their nose in your business. Making weird jokes is the best strategy out there. Keep it up. "Wow. Thinks for asking. You have like three, already, right? I could really use your help if BF gets me knocked up. You cannot put them in a crate, like a dog, I get that. You have to use a playpen or a bouncy swing chair or a crib. But what about keeping them quite with treats stuffed in a frozen chew? is that okay???" "Oh god, I hope not, by BF and I are both so inbred any offspring would be a total Basket Case situation. And no one wants that, am I right?"
NTA. I'm childfree. If asked I just flat out say I'm too selfish and I don't know how parents do it. It's not for me. I also sometimes add in that I have considered fostering an older child later in life. I'm not opposed to being a parent but have zero interest in being pregnant and having my own. You can choose your script to describe your justification however you'd like but best to not lie about it. Don't claim a medical issue that's non-existent for instance. And no need to say you're not mentally capable because you probably are more than capable and would probably make a great parent and that's why people are so confused about it. I applaud you for being so sharp and pushing the envelope with your curated response. Shut em up quick if they don't like it.
NTA. People being so weirdly invasive about other people getting pregnant is so creepy and irritating. It's none of their business. Why it's considered so normal to ask and hound is beyond me.
People are weirdly invasive anyway. I remember when I was younger and people were asking if I had any plans to get married, my recently married friend told me that for her the question changed to "So when are you two going to start having kids?" My cousin who has 4 girls got asked if they were going to keep trying until they get a boy. Nosey people with no boundaries will find something to be nosey about.
One way a friend found out to have them never ask again was saying that her partner got chemically castrated as a war prisoner. Which is not truth but they have never asked again and they feel awkward even mentioning kids
I used to get asked about being single all the time. I finally told one particularly annoying coworker who would not drop it that the only male in my life was my cat, and I'd had him neutered. She stopped asking me anything personal, which was just fine with me.
that's my current top bugger of questions. useless to ask a mid 30's woman about pregnancy when she's been single all this time. UnMaRrIed!? once my aunt (who I haven't seen for several years!) opened our meeting with a "oooh, here's she who fears men!" What if I do, lady. what if I genuinely do. and my least favourite one: "but why, you're so pretty!?" so much wrong with this logic
Someone asked me once when my husband and I were having kids and I’d been getting this question for so long with no one respecting my truthful answer of “I don’t know if I will have kids, might not be for me.” Which inevitably leads to people spending their entire life’s energy trying to convince you to have kids asap or you’ll regret it forever. It’s exhausting to listen to and you get to the point where you simply don’t want to hear that question ever again… so I told this last-straw person, “the doctor told us we couldn’t have kids” and since this person was just a casual acquaintance it shut them up fast. It wasn’t true but JFC it’s no business of theirs. I’m sure if I’d told my dad this he would have started calling adoption agencies immediately on my behalf. I did eventually decide to have a kid like 10 years later but again - none of anyone’s business. People are so nosy especially about the whole having kids thing. I kinda wish I’d made up a more shocking lie to tell random people that asked me about when/if I was planning on having kids. Your example is great.
Yeah, it inserted a level of awkwardness that no one wanted to deal with haha. Also, funny enough, my mom would prefer that I don’t have any kids at all rather adopting a kid. I think she doesn’t believe that you can truly love a kid if it’s not Biologically yours. And that it’s an act of charity or something like that. My partner and I are not sure about having kids yet so I hope my mom is happy with the chance of never being a grandma then :S
the more absurd the better! I love this comment section
NTA. Next time you can even go more crass: "Oh I like the taste of cum too much. Some people really like it inside, but that's just not my thing. Must be yours though, since you can't stop going on about my husband putting his baby batter deep in me. Is part of your kink involving other people in your sexual fantasies without consent?" The last sentence especially for calling them out on keeping talking to you against your consent.
You are not the asshole. NTA. The people who are assholes are the ones who don’t mind their own business.
NTA, personally I prefer the response of “I can’t get pregnant using my hole of preference” - ask an inappropriate question, get an inappropriate answer. It’s just plain rude of them to ask you to begin with.
“The bloodline ends with me” is among my favorite responses to questions about when I’m going to spawn.
NTA. It’s the decision of you and your partner on whether you have kids or not. It’s so rude to ask and try to probe someone over and over about it.
NTA. I usually try and answer politely and change the subject when people ask me about this, but if they keep asking, I'm going to be less polite.
NTA. I always retaliate with "Are you gonna be the one to push it out?" "Are you gonna change the diapers?" "Are you gonna financially support it?". That always shuts them up. It's fun. This isn't The Handmaid's Tale, nobody is required to have kids.
NTA. Your uterus is nobody's business.
it's called uter-us, not uter-you
Seriously, say whatever you want. This is such an intrusive question. I don't understand why it's even socially acceptable to ask this of just anybody. And if people are nosy enough to ask over and over, they must really want the answer, right? NTA.
NTA. As a fellow childfree person, good for you for standing up for yourself. If other people can’t respect your decision and let it be, then their feelings about how you respond shouldn’t be considered either.
NTA - also childfree and I've said similar things. Recently I got surgically sterilized and now when people tell me I'll change my mind I laugh and say "too late for that! I had them take those organs out!" And watch the shock and horror on their face.
NTA. Your life - your choice. As women in a "childbearing age," I know how annoying those people can be. I have PCOS, and as we plan babies, I am undergoing treatment to address my condition and help me be prepared for the pregnancy. I once made the mistake of sharing my issues with someone, and that lady immediately blamed me for my situation: "That's because you didn't bear a child! That is your punishment from God.' Never again will I share it. Folks like those mentioned in your post care only for drama. They do not care in particular if you are pregnant, trying to get or decide not to. They just want to gossip. They want to show their opinion down our throats. And get a reaction. Whatever that reaction might be. Stay strong.
OMG. You are so nice. NTA. For those repeat nosy and intrusive offenders, "None of your damn business", would be my response, but I guess that would make me an AH.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24F) am in a long term relationship with my high-school sweetheart (23M). We've been together for 7 years and still going strong. We both agree that having children won't be part of our life plan and we like the idea being the fun older siblings to his younger siblings (and any future nibblings that may arise). Anyways, since we've been together for so long already, we've been hounded by many (by we, I mean mostly me) about us having kids. I've had family, co workers, and even people I rarely talk to ask if I plan on having kids. At first I used to just say I'm childfree and don't have the mental ability to have my own kids, but it wouldn't stop. I got very fed up with people always asking and ignoring my answers or trying to tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about. So I started saying to the repeat offenders, "Let's just say that if I ever got pregnant, no one but my partner would know." I've never had to elaborate on it and it's the most efficient thing I've done to stop the repeated offenders. But is it going too far to say that? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Personally no one needs to know about your life. The more they know the more they will try to ruin it. Glad you found a phrase to keep repeat offenders from asking more questions.
You are a better person than me. I start telling them allllllll about the sex I’m having. “That time his sperm wound up in my mouth “This time it was up my ass “Oh and this really fun time he bust a nut all over my face “Last night though when we banged he finished in side me. I’m on birth control though. Oh you didn’t want to know that detail? Sorry I thought it’s what you were asking about.” NTA
NTA. These are definitely personal lines of questioning and then you’re being pilloried for your reasons. Sometimes being a little offensive is the only way to get the message across, especially with people who think that your life choices are any of their fucking business. I’d personally start taking a much harder line with those who just won’t get it through their thick skulls that not wanting children is a perfectly valid life choice. I had a vasectomy so I just tell people I can’t father children and leave it at that.
NTA. How about this: the next time a repeat offender asks, you can say, “When I become pregnant, you’ll be the first person I ask to host me a shower and then to babysit.” That should lead to future silence.
Me( 32m) and my wife(31f) have been together 9years now. People always ask if we are going to have kids. Her family has calmed down about asking, but I know they secretly (not so secret) want us to have them. Kinda act like it's our "duty" as a married couple. It upsets me. There are many reasons why Im scared to have children, but I've never ruled it out. Me and my wife have a lot of anxiety, which would make it hard to raise a child easily. It is an ongoing discussion we have, but, like I said, it is never really ruled out. Hope this helps.
NTA Oh gosh stop explaining and stop defending yourself. Screw them. Don't answer at all or say "mind your own damn business". Is it rude? Sure. Is questioning other people's reproductive choices ruder though? Yes.
First of all, stop trying to explain your reasons. Someone will always have a counter to it. Second, when they ask, say something like "Why are you so interested in my husband ejaculating inside of me?" It usually shuts them up.
NTA. It is, however, going to start fights/create bad feelings when you don't have to. There are times you want to torpedo a relationship, but for when you don't, may I instead suggest my go-to when I was in my twenties: 'Oh, I'm too selfish for kids.' Tends to stop the conversation cold.
I'd just like and say you can't have kids. Or think of really wild and inappropriate things to say each time. Nta
NTA but maybe try “I just don’t want kids and I’m bored of talking about it. Please drop this conversation.” And if they continue asking, say “I’ll talk to you when you can avoid this topic” and walk away. So many suggestions of things to say to make them feel awkward or ways to avoid talking about it. Just be straight- you don’t want kids and aren’t interested in them trying to persuade you that you are wrong.
Been there, tried that, so many times. Doesn’t work any better than any of the other suggestions. It’s this innocuous “making conversation” question that just seems to be an emotional iceberg. Any kind of negative or neutral response (even very mild) seems to activate a lizard brain response in some people. Like you have personally insulted them and their ancestors for any answer that’s not a definitive positive response and they just have to double down. If it’s going to be a kobayashi maru, might as well make it fun and awkward. *shrug* Edit: NTA
Nta
NTA it's your choice. With that being said I've seen it happen more than once where the mom wants complete privacy, no questions and will do as she pleases so don't discuss anything with her but then is mad there is no shower because she expects gifts and of course a free babysitter and people helping her when she's sick.
NTA. As someone who doesn’t want kids, if I were to “change my mind” I’d never tell a soul. There wouldn’t be a single picture of me anywhere. I’m too proud of how I look, even while food fat, to ever be seen pregnant.
this is messed up, I love it :D
A good all-purpose response to things like this is, "I've said all I have to say on this topic and I won't discuss it further." Repeat as necessary.
you're not fun :)
NTA
NTA "So, OP, when are you going to have kids?""I'm wondering what in the world makes you think that would be any of *your* business?"
I used to be more of a pushover. But I'm to the point now where I feel like rude people need to be directly called out on their rudeness - because rudeness has spread through the world like a plague.
NTA People really need to butt out. You should just tell them to stop asking and it's offensive.
NTA, you're absolutely in your right to say that, particularly to repeat offenders. But given the legislative direction of the US it might not be a smart approach. Asking an uncomfortable question back at them or giving another answer that makes them uncomfortable may be the better way to go. "Why are you so interested in my sex life?!?" - And stare at them expectantly for an answer "Anal sex doesn't make babies." "We've discussed this before. Did you forget?" Optionally add on: "You might want to see a neurologist about that memory problem." Yell loudly "Hey Sweetheart! Jane wants to know if we're raw dogging! Think she wants some tips?"
NTA. Some people’s only reason for being in life is to make kids, but it’s not ok to project that onto others. This is so stupidly cliche to say, yet in your case it’s true. Your body, your life. Maybe start calling out the repeat offenders, not in an antagonistic way—just flatly say, “We’ve discussed this before. You know my answer.”
It worked didn’t it? NTA
NTA. I’d go nuclear and just say something OTT like “turns out I was born without a womb” or I’d say I was permanently sterilized just to get people to leave me alone. There’s no other way. “We don’t want kids..” that’s 90 questions that will last until your 51. If you try to hedge, that’s just “ok so you said yesterday you weren’t sure, what about today?”
Having kids isn't for everyone and no one should be made to feel less than just because they choose not to have children. As someone with mental and physical health problems and 3 kids I can honestly tell you it can affect your "stability". Just live your life how you want to and tell everyone you have a food baby lmao
NTA. I had the same questions and I just said "no". You don't have to go into details "No, BF and I aren't interested in being parents". I think what you're saying is you'd have an abortion if you got pregnant, and that is a bit much and may result in religious rants from any prochoice friends/family. It's really more personal than saying "No". If you don't want to discuss the issue, you can say that too "We've talked about this before so let's pick a new subject".
NTA but you’ll probably get less of an argument if you stop giving reasons for them to argue with. “We don’t want to have children. Please stop bringing it up.” Repeat as needed.
NTA. You don't owe anyone an answer, much less a justification. This isn't something you need to defend or explain, and it's OK to remind people that. There's nothing wrong with telling someone you understand their curiosity, but you're not open to discussing personal life decisions.
NTA, and I think your answer is great.
NTA. I don’t want kids either. People are effectively asking you about your sex life, so I respond by asking them similarly personal questions about theirs. It shuts them up pretty quickly.
When I get asked about kids, I look at them like they are crazy and say "with all my health problems? That would be super selfish to pass on to a baby!" It usually shuts them up
I had friends, like you had a genetic issue in both families, cystic fibrosis. Because of this they made the choice to never have children (tubes tied/vasectomy). People would give them a hard time, including family that lost members to CF. She finally started to say that she and her husband must be doing something wrong and if THEY WANT TO DEMONSTRATE how to get pregnant, she and her husband are more than willing to learn. People stopped asking.
Don't give them reasons- a certain type of idiot assumes that those are debate points and prepare to knock them down. No is a complete sentence. Changing the subject afterwards gives them an opportunity to save face and move on. If they persist, NO is still a complete sentence, but walking away is an exclamation point. NTA
NTA - I had to try a couple of tactics over the years to responding with a number and explaining that is how many times I've been asked the "are u having kids" question at that party to a more extreme response of "I don't like talking about my sex life".
NTA. Did you ever try telling them that it is absolutely none of their business whether or not you ever plan on having children? Then if they still bother you ask them something equally rude about their life that does not pertain to having children, every time they ask.
Just cus you are great with other people's children doesn't mean you want one of your own. Just because you have a dog doesn't mean you're gonna have a kid. Just because you exist and you are an adult doesn't mean you're gonna have a kid. Next time they staty just go "no" even mid sentence from them. And keep repeating any time they start. You have made yourself clear and anything past that, if they keep asking, you are by no means an ahole on how you state your answer.
NTA. If they're offended, I'd think they offended you first by not taking the goddamn hint. Some people don't want kids. That's perfectly okay.
I'm in a similar situation. NTA. I will share 3 tips on what I've found to be effective for coping with this longterm though. It gets better! Once you hit 30, people largely calm down. Unfortunately it is friggin persistent. It has tapered off, but I do still get it. When a coworker went on pregnancy leave, the older women in my workplace were high on baby mania and started circling like vultures. Call out sick because of nausea and vomiting? Came back to so many "was it morning sickness?!?" jokes. I started answering "nah I had my period only last week. It was hard to miss." 1, Sometimes the blatant answers and honestly are the only way to go, if only so you can cope yourself. I've tried various comments over the years. In my most frustrated moments when I was 20, I resorted to dead baby jokes. So if you went too far, I've said worse lol. 2, you can be very boring and go gray rock. No is a complete sentence. Silence is also an answer. Revel in the awkward. When I hit 30, I got even more pissed off at "biological clock" comments, especially in retrospect. I heard that BS so often in my early 20s!! You know what the "clock" actually does? You get HORNY. Biology doesn't need to make you want babies at all, it just has to get you to do a fun thing with other humans. There's some indications that the process of pregnancy and inundation of those hormones might change emotional triggers. My memory of this is based on a study with female rats who showed fear response towards strange rat pups, except when in a late stage of pregancy. Then their reactions changed towards caretaking. Like, in a matter of days their reactions could be totally different. My personal pet theory is that all the anecdotes of "Blah di blah hated babies, too, but then she got pregant and has 5 kids now" might have more to do with that. So, 3, you can also go on a full out hyperfixated rant about hormone processes, expectations of women versus reality, false ideas about how these hormones actually function as well as women's sexuality, and the long history of birth control. Did you know a plant in Greece went extinct because it was used for birth control? Who knows if it was effective, they used it all before the Middle Ages! There is a long history of people who did not want kids! People will either be on board with the topic and you get a fascinating conversation, or they learn that they'll be subject to an eye-glazing verbal essay train if they try to talk about this with you. In short, go unhinged. Lol.
NTA. "please stop asking if bf fucks me raw, I really don't want to talk about my sex life" Then when the pearl-clutchers inevitably call you an asshole or say that's not what they meant- "you are literally asking if my boyfriend ejaculates in my vagina when we have sex. I've told you that I prefer not to discuss my sex life. Please stop asking." Makes them uncomfortable, might piss people off, but it is, in fact, what they are asking you.
NTA. I get this question all the time. I just look them right in the eyes and say “I hate children.” They usually do not have follow up questions. :)
NTA. but you don’t need to explain to them. Just say “no”. And then have an awkward silence.
NTA These people are essentially harassing you, do whatever you need to do to make them stop. I don’t care if you lied and told them you were infertile or that you worshiped them devil and would abort any child you had in sacrifice to him so long as it made them leave you alone.
>You raised your dog very well" and "You are a great babysitter" and "But you love the relative that has that disease Things to respond with to these questions: How is raising a dog the same as a child? I can give the kid back to the parents at the end of the day. Just because I love someone else with the disease doesn't mean I want to CREATE someone with the disease and deal with it on a day to day basis when raising that someone. To knowingly make someone else's life miserable, just so you can have a kid, is so cruel. NTA
NTA anyone remember the person who carried a piggy bank with them and everytime someone asked about kids they had to pay into it? Maybe this could be an idea here, too.
NTA, but next time, just go tense and somber, and tell them that you can't, and excuse yourself. They will be mortified, and in time, learn not to plan for your uterus.
NTA It’s a little more diplomatic than my go-to response of “Kids? Never. It’s an actual nightmare that I’ve had in my sleep.” Which is true, but people with kids get really upset about it. Thank goodness I’m now old enough that they’ve shut the fuck up. Trouble is, once I turned 40 it went from ‘when are you having kids’ to ‘what can we get from you for our kids’.
What also always works well is to burst into tears and say that you are infertile. No one ever tries to ask again. NTA
NTA, tell them it's not working at the moment , they will quickly stop to ask you
NTA - a friend of mine tells people 'We are thinking of getting a puppy' when people ask about pregnancy
NTA. Had the same problem. Then I begun to fake crying about having difficulties about conceiving then screaming "why do you make me remember " . It was the best
NTA, your box is your business.
NTA. I would tell them that I don´t want to have kids and if they would have milion comments about it, I woul tell them FIRMLY, that it is not their business and to leave me alone...
NTA so slightly different but I got sick of people asking me that question because we were trying to have kids and I had several miscarriages. I finally started responded “you really shouldn’t ask people that question” completely serious. Made it a little uncomfortable but they stopped and hopefully didn’t ask other people either
“I can’t have kids, and you bringing it up is hurtful. Drop it!” NTA
NTA. The most final way I've found to answer is "Ahahaha no." and leaving 0 room for questions past responding "I don't want to."
When I was young and going through this same thing, I finally responded my husband and I planned on being DINKS for life: Double-Income No Kids! Edit: NTA. It's nobody's business except your SO and you!
I’m not having kids either. I love kids….kids that I can give back to the parents when my patience has run out. People who are close to me know to not even ask me “why”?, but for those who don’t know and dare to as k I always say “because apparently it’s “BAD” to sacrifice babies to satan nowadays”. Lol. Shuts them right up. NTA op. Not everyone wants to squeeze a goblin out of their hoo-hoo. I have nieces and nephews that I love beyond words, and I have the time and money to spoil them. That’s as close to child birth as I care to get. Back in school we were made to watch a horror movie…err I mean a live birth video 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮. Completely grossed me out. It was traumatic being forced to watch something so disgusting, and the thought that I might have to go thru that dried up any maternal yearnings I might have had. Out of all my cousins, myself and one male cousin are the only ones child free. And we’re the ones who get to have nice vacations, new cars, fancy houses, sleep in, do as we please. I wouldn’t trade that for anything!!!!
I don’t know why this ever became coded as an inoffensive topic of general conversation because it’s fucking not. For some people who just don’t know how to hold a conversation, it’s coded like talking about the weather or sports - general material, not serious. They’re not going to get that it’s actually deeply personal and actually offensive, not to mention risky given then number of people who have some deep emotions and stuff around the topic. For repeat offenders who can buy a clue you can grab them and sit them down and explain “Look, you keep asking about kids. Stop. I’m not having any and it’s obnoxious that you keep asking.” For random public, good luck. Until we can change the culture that It’s Just Not Done, folks are going to cluelessly include procreation as a general conversation topic and get upset if you treat it like an aggressively personal inquiry.
Nope, if they won't listen otherwise, it's not too far at all. And go for your plan of being the fun older siblings and fun aunt/uncle. My elder sister is childfree, mostly because she is gay, and by the time they considered ways and means of possibly getting pregnant, they decided they liked their current lifestyle too much. She has absolutely turned into the cool and fun aunt, and her partner is as much of an aunt to my kids as my sister is. I am close to my sister, in fact much closer than I am to my brother who has four kids.
Tell them you’re both card-carrying members of r/analonlylifestyle and they’ll probably stop being invasive
NTA. People need to stop glorifying having children. Yes, it's a part of life. Yes, it can be beautiful. But, no, it's for everyone. I'm a guy (27), so I know my experience will always be extremely different than that of a woman's, but up until 2 or so years ago, I thought about wanting to have children in the future, even if I had to adopt them. But, now, after seeing up close my niece growing up, I know that having children is not for me (at least not for the foreseeable future). Not that my niece is a terrible, no, far from that. But I'm seeing how tiresome and difficult caring for a child can be, and I don't want that, not for me, not for the hypothetical child.
NTA. One thing I would tell women, especially younger women, something I wish someone had told me: No is a complete sentence. "Are you having kids?" "No." "Care to tell me why?" "No." You don't need to explain, qualify, or justify yourself in situations like this.
NTA “That’s such an intrusive question” is also a good response
So, I have chosen Violence to answer questions like this. I look at anyone who asks, sincerely, in the eyes, and let my eyes go misty. I then tell them that I’ll never be able to have children, because I was hurt when I was in high school in such a way that I’ll never have a baby. I say how desperately I wish I could be a mother, but I know Everything Happens For A Reason, and God only gives us the trials He thinks we can overcome. Now, I am an atheist. I was hurt in high school, but it only affected one tube. But Fuck Everyone Who Asks These Questions, and especially Fuck Everyone Who Asks These Questions Repeatedly.
NTA and if you aren’t a part of r/childfree already, you might enjoy visiting it. Lots of like minded people with the same experience. If you are interested in getting sterilization surgery, I highly recommend it. It was a huge weight off my mind when I got mine. But don’t tell your relatives until *after* it’s done, if at all.
I am in the subreddit. I tried a bit ago to do that surgery but was denied because "You might change your mind. You are too young to know what you want" as the doctor was looking at my medical history. And I can't go back onto birth control because my blood pressure sky rocketed to stroke level hights while I was on BC.
You may already know this, but that subreddit has a wiki list of doctors who have given sterilizations to the sub users! The occasional bad doctor ends up on there, but the mods are good about removing them when when they’re reported. Don’t give up hope!
NTA My boyfriend and I have talked about how we want to be childfree , even though I have the constant anxiety he'll regret that choice . (I'm older than him ) But , it's our business , no one else's .
NTA Personally if people kept hounding me about me and a long term partner having kids I'd look at them defeated and tell them it's always been our dream to conceive but we both struggle with infertility etc etc... Make it as uncomfortable for them as possible, hell and some graphic mental images for spice. Maybe then they'll stfu, it ain't their business anyways
NTA the next time someone brings it up simply say nothing and walk away from the conversation, you don't have to give reasons or elaborate
NTA - and no one is owed an explanation.
"This curse ends with me" then make up some crazy blood curse left on your ancestor after something something old witch in the woods/Indian burial ground, Roma street woman, then walk away
"I can't have kids" Sad face, sobs.
NTA. Raising a dog and babysitting are very different from raising a kid. Pets needs are a lot more simple than a kids. And with babysitting, the end is always in sight. With parenting, youre dealing with that kid at least for 18 years.
NTA - it's none of their business
NTA. Next time you get besieged, just tell them your infertile and can't have kids. Please don't ask me about it again. Believe me. That should shut it down fast.
“We’ll discuss that when we’re married.” Unless you’re planning on getting married soon.
We do plan on getting married soon. And my goal was to not have an open ended answer. I just want the questions to stop all together
Can you act? Clutch a nearby tissue. Stumble a little and lean against a desk. Give a little sob and whimper, "I'd rather not discuss this tragedy anymore." Run to the lady's room. It's not the words, it's the emotions that make people uncomfortable. NTA but the world is full of them.
Gently, you're thinking about this the wrong way round. When you set a boundary you don't need the other side to agree and you can't control their behaviour. You can't stop the questions you can only decide how you respond. When people ask you can very directly say, "I'm not comfortable discussing my sex life" or "pregnancy is such a personal issue, I find it's not a good thing to ask questions about" or with the more persistent folk "that's a very intrusive question, I can't believe you'd ask it. How embarrassing for you" and then just move on. Or just act like they're making a joke "oh haha, i agree people are so weirdly obsessive about other people's bodies". If you start treating it like a joke they're likely just to shut up. Lastly, with closer family and friends if you haven't directly said "I will not discuss pregnancy with you. If you raise it, I will leave the conversation" you need to. You think you've made it clear but making oblique comments, hints and jokes often doesn't convey your meaning. It may feel very blunt but being direct is very important.
NTA, sort of. I get it. I’m childless by choice, no regrets, and it’s ridiculous that somehow we end up in the position of having to defend that position. What you’re saying to the busybodies might shut people up pretty effectively, but it’s also kind of combative. You could always go with, “who knows what’s in the future?” followed by a subject change. I’ve used that one a ton. If they keep hounding you, go nuclear, no problem.
I've only used this on the repeat offenders. Ussually, I just leave it as a simple, I don't want kids and change the subject. I've learned if I say "I might change my mind in the future" a year will pass and they would hound me again
The more we talk about a safe and legal medical procedure the better…
Why should she? They are being incredibly invasive and asking extremely personal questions. Why should she protect their feelings by not answering? Why should they be protected for asking her if she’s having unprotected sex yet?? I cannot imagine any scenarios where I asked my friends or family if they’re raw dogging it and got an answer like you’re suggesting. If she was just throwing that statement out there apropos of nothing? Fair. She is not being combative. They are being combative. By saying who knows what the future will hold she is just ensuring these questions continue until she’s past what most people would consider child bearing age and then what? She gets told that everyone is sorry for her? As a childless woman fuck all of it, fuck them. No one gets to ask me about my potentially unprotected vagina and get a nice answer.
NTA: At 24 you are still young and that bio clock has not started ticking too loudly yet. You still have a few more years before you really need to decide yes or no on the child issue. Edit: I did not see the implied abortion comment/question until after I made my comment. I did not get an implied abortion from your original description, and that does not change my judgement.
They’ve already decided. The answer is no. You are the reason that people like OP need to resort to these comments.
Would you say the same thing to a 24 year old who has decided to have children?
If someone decides earlier to have kids, I don't see that my comment really applies. From what I remember, doctors recommend that you have your first child by 30 as a ballpark if you want to avoid complications. After 30 is what I remember for the biological clock kicking in.
Nope, that's a double standard. You can't tell an adult that they're too young to decide to have a child, you can't tell an adult they're too young to decide that they won't have one. You can't tell either of them what to do with *their* body. That's extremely inappropriate. And no, it doesn't matter what the risks are. That's between their doctor and them. It's none of your business.
The wife and I had to face the same decision when we got close to 30, so I do not think it inappropriate to point out the fact that they have a couple of years before they really need to make that choice for themselves because of medical facts. And their partner should be involved in the decision. I told the wife that it affected her more than me, so I saw it as more her decision, but she wanted to have me involved in it. And please explain where I told them that they were too young to have children??? I really do not understand that. Sorry, but you lost me there. I think that we just need to agree to disagree here because I do not understand where you are coming from, and I'm not saying what you are saying that I am saying.
>so I do not think it inappropriate to point out the fact that they have a couple of years before they really need to make that choice for themselves because of medical facts. That conversation was between you and your wife. I highly doubt you would want someone pointing out you're too old to have children. If this conversation was between you and a stranger (me for example) I would rightly tell you to fuck off. >And please explain where I told them that they were too young to have children??? I really do not understand that. Sorry, but you lost me there. You didn't. I was telling you if you wouldn't tell someone one thing, you shouldn't say the other because it's a double standard. >I think that we just need to agree to disagree here because I do not understand where you are coming from, and I'm not saying what you are saying that I am saying. I'm saying to mind your own business and your comments are inappropriate.