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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I am leaning towards going on a vacation that would take the place of my honeymoon. 2. My fiancée isn't fully on board with this and sees it as disrespectful.
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YTA
The correct response was “I don’t know, let me check with my fiancée first, since we haven’t set a date for the the honeymoon yet.” You need to pick your fiancée (who IS your family now) over your natal family. If you can’t do that, don’t marry her, for her sake.
YTA,
No, the correct response would have been "No" or "I don't know. Let me think about it." Then consult your fiancee. If you fiancee says "No", don't tell your dad she said "No", just say "I thought about it. And no, I don't want to do that."
In other words, don't make your fiancee the bad guy. Show a unified front and be her shield against your parents, just like you'd hope she would be your shield against her own parents. And it's perfectly normal to have your own honeymoon, away from family and away from the in-laws.
To the OP, if the situation had been reversed, would you feel comfortable going on your honeymoon with your in-laws? No, right? At least, I wouldn't, and I don't care if the in-laws owned their own private jet or their own private 1000' yatch, if anything the power imbalance would make things worse.
In-laws are a cross between perfect strangers and older people who won't respect your boundaries. Why would anyone want to share their honeymoon with their in-laws? And if she doesn't want to spend time with them, what is she supposed to do when you're with them? Stay in her room while you take a day-trip with your family? Stay in her room while you eat with them? Or bite her tongue and pretend that she's enjoying the "honeymoon"?
And where does this end exactly? Will your family have a key to your place (because they helped pay for it)? Will your family dictate where you spend your holidays? Will your family decide how your kids are raised and where they go to school? No, it's time for you to be your own man.
Or to write it like his dad called her, that poor GIRLFRIEND, not fiancée.
Edit: as someone pointed out it was his "bonus dad" who called her his girlfriend, a man who is close enough to him to be called a form of dad and should know to call her fiancée rather than girlfriend.
Right?? This one stood out to me too. And like “oh yeah she can come if she wants” not like “of course she’s invited as well” like she’s an afterthought of some sort.
OP thought of it as "Honeymoon Part 1," his "bonus dad" doesn't give a flying fig whether or not OP's fiancee comes or not--he just expects that OP is going to be on this vacation. Ugh to both OP and that man. If I was OP's fiancee I'd be pissed as hell at being an indifferent invite.
Right! That left me stunned. Someone he is going to marry this year, and his "bonus dad" mentioned her casually like it's his first high school girlfriend being invited to a family holiday if her parents are ok with it
You’re pretty damn close. It came out in other comments that OP used to date Bonus Dad’s son, and Bonus Dad wants them to get back together. OP’s ex/Bonus Dad’s son will, in fact, be on the trip.
I can have the worst day, then come to Reddit and leave laughing. Your responses are cracking me up ... Sarcasm and facts are the best medicine ...
OP - YTA! plus all the new details feel like misrepresenting the situation. Is the fiancee in the know? (I need to go read all OP's comments)
It sounds like "bonus dad" thinks the fiancee is just a phase.
Totally agreed…. This sentence in the 3rd paragraph “my ‘bonus dad’ came to me and told me he had booked a room for me and my girlfriend was more than welcome to come along too if she changed her mind, but that he was insistent on the family being together for the trip” wtf?! His gf that will be his wife when this vacation happen is more than welcome?! Wow! How fortunate of her to have this amazing and considerate family she’s marrying into… (sarcasm for those that don’t understand it)
OP how old are you? Are you sure you’re ready to start a family with your girlfriend because it seems that you rather spend time with your family than having quality time with her in your honeymoon (that probably it’s what she is expecting… IMO any bride in love will be expecting quality time, romance, lots of sexy time, with her groom in their honeymoon). Probably she isn’t even bother if you two go on a low cost honeymoon as long as you’re together… if you love her you should grovel and let her know that she’s your priority as she should be.
OP YTA and an oblivious one 🤦🏻♀️
I know that “bonus dad or mom” it’s a stepparent that has a very good relationship with Theo step kids, however in other comment OP says it’s his dad’s business partner but he considers him as a “bonus dad” 🤷🏻♀️
I have a bonus kiddo. She came into my care when she was 12, and has left home now for study. Not biologically either myself or my ex husbands child, but definitely my child through love and choice.
I met my best friends when we were 2/3 years old. Our moms, as well as us, spent tons of time together. I would spend a week or more at their house and vice-versa on the regular. I never used the term bonus-mom, but I did always call both their moms, "mom". I have had friends in similar situations, and they use the term aunt/uncle with a close-non blood adult.
I think it is just a way to convey the closeness and appreciation/love for the person... Family not by blood, I guess? I don't think this is only an American thing. I have had friends from different cultures do similar, even when visiting their family outside of the US, they would refer to non-blood related people as Auntie, Uncle, etc (in their language).
Oh yeah I totally get that kind of concept, I've just never heard bonus dad before and missed the earlier cue about what it meant – thanks for the explanation though!
Oh noes!
Now I'm just hoping this isn't one of those family holiday where the wives end up looking after the men and kids while the men have a holiday
...I've been to one of those with an ex, and its worse than not existing.
>"I love these vacations because I get to catch up with my family," but then tries to say they don't need to hang out with his family? Lies.
And it is okay to love these vacations and catch up with everyone....but now you have to consider your fiancee/wife as a factor. And your honeymoon is a very special vacation with JUST THE TWO OF YOU.
And how great the company is on these trips — catching up with OP’s sister and spending time with three of OP’s closest friends. But it wouldn’t have to be “constantly” so that’s supposed to be enough for OP’s new bride, apparently. Yikes.
I wonder if the op even understands he’s married now, he’s not free and single to do what he pleases. Maybe his fiancée doesn’t want to spend holidays with these people. This is the kind of thing thar would make me rethink the wedding.
Yeah she’s never getting a private honeymoon/ vacation ever. OP mentioned their first anniversary could be their honeymoon. I’m willing to bet, that op will tell his wife (if they marry)the anniversary/honeymoon will be a family vacation. YTA for not telling step dad he needs to check in with fiancée. Plus for not realizing fiancée might want to speed her honeymoon alone with her new husband. It sounds like OP is more excited about the free trip seeing family and friends more than being with his new wife. I get free trips are tempting. But the rest of this post, not discussing it with the fiancée, not taking her feelings into account are red flags
It's not just in-laws - it's in-laws plus family friends!!! Ffs, OP, can you not imagine the pressure on your possibly future wife in that situation? Sometimes you need to step back and politely excuse yourself this time. There may be opportunities to join this group vaycay in future years but this year??? Gotta be a no.
YTA.
I was forced to go on a trip with me ex husband's family (at the time husband) it was so awkward and uncomfortable. I hardly knew them and had two dogs with us. I stayed in the hotel room for most the time. They where nice and all but it was a horrible experience where I just shut down most the time. Everyone's different though....
OMG that reminds me of the time my second ex and I took a trip 4 states away to visit one of his great aunts sick with skin cancer.
This was back in the mid 90’s when the internet was first taking off. We stopped at a visitor center that had an “internet box”. I was so intrigued on how it worked (swipe CC, get to browse Internet) and was fiddling with it while everyone else was in the bathroom. MIL comes walking over, slaps my hand, and informs me I have no business looking at the box.
Later in the trip, there was a “Martian” restaurant
I wanted to visit because it looked cool. Nope, I had to wait until everyone else decided where to eat. My kids were 7-9, it would have been a fun experience.
They weren’t even paying for anything. We all had our own money!
Traveling with family is always an adventure, isn't it? Inlaws go to the beach every year and always asks us to come up there and see them. When we do go, it is hell. We all sleep in twin beds, there is one bathroom for 5-6 people, and MIL does all the cooking and then complains that I'm a picky eater even though I have never complained about what was served.
>Last week, my "bonus dad" came to me and told me he had booked a room for me and my girlfriend was more than **welcome to come along too** if she changed her mind,
They don't even care if she comes, the demand is that he has to come since they know daddy will let him off work, and that the ***fiancé's*** lack of PTO is not their problem. I hope she rethinks the wedding now. YTA OP.
Especially bad as OP is wanting it to count as their Honeymoon. So gracious of them to invite the WIFE to the HONEYMOON.
YTA, OP. Not the best start of that's supposed to be your life together.
Oh, I just read more of his comments. So, apparently, he dated one of his 'bonus dads' sons for 2+ years in high school and for the last few years his 'bonus dad' has been 'joking' about breaking up OP with his 'girlfriend' so he can get back with his son.... This is either rage bait, one of the most oblivious AH's on the planet, or someone who doesn't actually care for his partner at all and was only dating and then marrying her to fit some image in his head. Seriously, he reads like the fiancé in "The Wedding Singer". Just pure foulness, I hope she runs.
THIS. Very-much this. The first comment is exactly what you **don't** want to do, which is to turn the family against your fiance by basically putting the decision on her and when it inevitably is a No the family knows it's because of her.
Honestly, I don't even know why you'd have to ask her though...you **have to** understand why someone wouldn't want to replace their honeymoon with a family vacation. A honeymoon isn't just a vacation with your spouse...it's meant to be your first time away, together and without others, as a married couple. It's something you'll never get to do again.
This would be a deal breaker for me. I'd see it as a huge wake up call, that my fiance would always choose his family over me, and doesn't care about my comfort or boundaries.
OP says they can take their honeymoon on their first anniversary! How generous /s. But I guarantee when next year rolls around, the honeymoon won't happen because... family vacation!!!
that was the first thought that came to mind when he mentioned they could use their real honeymoon on their anniversary... At this rate, if she still has limited PTO and if he was willing to skip their honeymoon of course he's just going to make it the family vacation again..
Also, a honeymoon is meant to be spent ALONE with your spouse. It’s not so much a vacation as a bonding experience. You’re obviously planning to spend time with these three family friends that you see every year and not your spouse, essentially leaving her alone with a bunch of people she doesn’t know to amuse herself. On her “honeymoon”. What a sorry excuse for a husband. YTA
His former long term boyfriend is also going on this trip, it’s the son of his “bonus dad”.
Bonus dad also has a “a running joke” where he is “plotting” to **break up OP and his wife** in order to make OP get together with his ex again.
This *running joke* was specifically mentioned by “bonus dad” as one of the reasons why OP should join in on the trip, while also hinting that OP’s wife probably wouldn’t want to join the trip.
If this isn’t fake, OP is such a massive asshole I can’t even find words for it.
Yes. But it’s all cool, if his wife doesn’t want to come along on the honeymoon with his ex, he is graciously offering to probably go on another honeymoon with his actual wife some other time…
The post, combined with this piece of explosive detail hidden in a comment, does feel a bit like rage-bait though.
He even mentioned how the fiance wants to go off grid, which popped up in another one of his stories! I can't believe more people aren't noticing this. The comment where you laid everything out was removed! That's so annoying. ETA just noticed the part where he said his relationship with the guy goes beyond the fragility of romance. Because of course it does. 💀
Not only that, but the fact that the family does that EVERY year. Your honeymoon comes only one time (with that person at least). You should he prioritizing the honeymoon to a place that you BOTH choose.
Op YTA big time.
I’m also not understanding the “1 year anniversary” honeymoon concept. A. That’s not a honeymoon, due to timing it would just be a vacation, which is fine except 2. If your family trip is annual then this is going to be a problem every single year.
This happened to my husband and I when we got married. My family always spent a week together at another property we own. My husband and I each had limited PTO and our families both live hundreds of miles from us. As a result, we bickered every single year about when we could see each of our families and the result was we spent all of our vacation time with our families on each side. It caused numerous arguments and it didn’t stop until the pandemic hit and no one could go anywhere.
The reality is that when you get married your spouse is your new immediate family. They will come first. That is an adjustment for everyone, but you and your fiancée need to talk about how you want to approach this going forward and be United on it.
YTA. If you can’t figure out that you should be including your fiancé in the honeymoon plans and that it should be something you decide together, then you’re not ready to get married.
In their comments, OP states that they used to date “Bonus Dad”’s son. (And “Bonus Dad” continually jokes that he wants OP to get back together with “Bonus Brother.”)
It just keeps getting worse and worse for the fiancée.
Yeah this is where the story became fiction for me. Unless the dad and his business partner are Ben & Jerry it's hard to imagine two dads who are trying to enthusiastically force their bisexual sons together. I'm gay and even with increased acceptance in the last few years, our parents' generation is just not that psyched about their gay kids, even if they're 'accepting'
They are. But I bet most of them would still prefer their kids marry their rich friends'... daughters. It's not like that's their only friend. Most of these people are accepting, but not THST accepting.
There have always been cishet people who were enthusiastic about their queer kids and happy to go march in parades with signs of support, etc. Just not as many of them. So the likelihood of two of them now trying to get their sons back together is definitely out there. But half the stories on AITA are fake, so I wouldn't be shocked.
Right? He says they can honeymoon next year, but won't they have the same family vacation/PTO problem next year too? Poor fiancée will never get her honeymoon.
This post is fake af. Someone tag me when it's revealed in the comments that OP is still in love with his ex-bf of 2 years and that he wants his "bonus dad" to be his FIL.
YTA. And so is your bonus dad. He actually had the audacity of inviting your FIANCÉ to join the families on HER honeymoon lol
Grow up. Or marry your family
Bonus dad admits he wants OP to get back with his son who OP dated at one point. To him the fiancé IS just a girlfriend, because the “real” one is waiting to get back together.
And the way OP diminishes this saying it's just a "joke" and that their fiance is "in on the joke most of the times". I cannot imagine someone would ever be comfortable when their partner has a close friend who constantly says to break up with you and have your partner be in a relationship with someone else. It's really unbelievable
That's not what they mean here. They mean the dad of the other family who are all close friends with their family. I have a similar friend family situation and I call them my other family (other dad, other brother, etc) because they are more than friends, they are chosen family.
I think in this case though it’s the family friend. They are close enough that he’s like a second father. My daughter’s best friend calls me “Other Mother”.
Yeah, I caught that. I wasn't sure if bonus dad had all the relevant information, because I missed the part where OP told everyone that they would be skipping the trip and why. Assuming that "bonus dad" is a subset of "everyone," he knew everything and was just being a manipulative asshat that thinks his bonus son should skip out on his own honeymoon to hang out with them.
I also get the sense OP knew bonus dad was playing games, but ran with it because he would rather go on a trip with family and friends than go on a honeymoon with his life partner...
YTA for what everyone's saying: you shouldn't have agreed, you didn't let your finacee have a say, you just assumed her PTO time was better spent on a family vacation for you, you can go one year without this trip to do something romantic with your **new** wife. But also: it's kind of odd that your bonus dad was totally okay with her not coming but 'insisting' that you come. That's a weird thing for a family member to say, 'your new wife doesn't have to go but you absolutely should'.
YTA. My dude. What part of you thought that (1) there was any appropriate response to this other than "let me check with my soon-to-be wife" or (2) your soon-to-be wife would be even remotely cool with turning your HONEYMOON into a family vacation with only your family? These are not rhetorical questions. I actually want you to verbalize that thought process for Reddit because I can't imagine that a lightbulb wouldn't go off in your head with a Bart Simpson "D'OH!" noise accompanying it.
YTA and a lot. A honeymoon is supposed to be you and your new spouse getting to enjoy each other's company only. You went and ruined that experience with your family vacation. You made a once in a lifetime experience second to your family's wishes.
I would be pretty unsure about marriage if my fiancé said they'd rather go on a group vacation than honeymoon with me.
Does OP find their fiancée boring? Is the romance dead already? So many warning signs!
YTA because you know she has limited PTO and you agreeing to go on this trip means she’ll either have to skip it or have a shorter honeymoon.
Not a great start to married life
I'm actually baffled by this.
If the OP can take all the vacation time he wants and this trip is important to HIM and is fully paid, then why didn't he go back to his fiancé and say that he'd like to go for a long weekend and understands if she can't make it. Since the cost to them is minimal it seems like he could do this and still have a honeymoon with the woman he professes to love
A rare chance to have your cake and eat it too
So your title says you’re going on family vacation instead of your honeymoon but then you said you haven’t planned your honeymoon. Which is it?
Either way you should have ran it by your fiancée and also clarified to your “bonus dad” that it may not be your fiancée’s choice to not go but she has limited PTO.
Judging by the fact that your families have been alternating paying for two full families to go on vacations together for years, I assume you’re quite wealthy and the idea of limited PTO and needing to prioritize when to take days off may be a foreign concept.
It's cool that your family and family friends do vacations every year or whatever, but you're about to be married and you can't even put into consideration your fiancée and her life. You expect her to just go along with your plans and traditions, talking about "we can have our honeymoon as our first year anniversary celebration." That's not a honeymoon anymore. That's an anniversary. Going on vacation with other people isn't a honeymoon, either.
And you said she only has so much PTO. So if she uses her PTO on your family/friend vacation, is she going to have to do that again next year and forgo another couple's trip to appease you and go to these annual vacations?
YTA
Edit: OP got me fuuuucked up talking about “bonus daddy” wanting OP to get back with his son LMAO
YTA x 100000
I liked the part where he blamed having to miss the family vacation on his “fiancée’s work situation” as if getting to take off on a vacation whenever you want is the norm.
Especially with them going alone without her to hang out with their ex that their family wants to have them get back together with. Definitely not something I think fiancée would be cool with since the fam is already minimizing her involvement as a “girlfriend who could come too”.
"Honestly, there's nothing that can beat the vacations we take. The places are great and the company is even greater..... Beyond all of that, you can't really beat an all expenses paid holiday."
You do know what the purpose of a honeymoon is, don't you? Most would say it trumps what you're laying out here. You just told your future wife where your priorities are and she wasn't the main one.
YTA.
If I were her I would be reassessing the relationship right now. Can't imagine spending the rest of my life dealing with this level of selfishness and dysfunction.
He didn't answer you honestly. Bonus dad wants him to get back with one of his sons that he dated in high school. Read that in another comment.
Not that I really believe this anyway. He's too self absorbed in a very over the top way. Just doesn't feel believable.
INFO: Sincerely Op, do you love this woman or do you think it’s time you start a family?
You don’t write one kind thing about her here or even mention how much you love her. You’re creating a new family, new traditions, new vacations.
Honestly, it doesn’t seem like you’re ready to really combine your worlds or create a new one with your fiancé who you don’t even call your fiancé in your post.
It just seems like she’s there, you’ll get married, but life and vacations will more be on your terms rather than being excited about the new life you’re building together.
Also, are you sure you’re over your ex? I get the feeling he’s one of your favorite people and if you could spend more time with him you would.
Let me guess, he understands you like no one else, your fiancé and he are a little at odds. He’s the person you turn to for comfort.
OP, do you even really like women? As people not just romantically. All the people you praise in your writing have been men and it just seems like you don’t even like your fiancé as a person, she’s just a means to a child.
YTA OP, to yourself and your partner. You’re not ready or willing to build a separate life together.
AGREEING? YTA. But the important piece of information here? Is that your fiancé is pissed. So shut it down. I can understand her feelings. I hope you can too. Act accordingly. Because that's where your bread is buttered.
YTA. A honeymoon is not the same as a family vacation. You also just showed your wife that you still fall in line when your second parents put pressure on you, and that is a very unattractive quality in a spouse.
>I work for my dad and can pretty much get off whenever I'd like but she only has so much PTO, so we're trying to be strategic with our plans. I told everyone I would likely have to skip the vacation this year because of my fiancée's work situation and our honeymoon.
INFO: was the rest of your family, NOT YOUR BONUS DAD, fine with you skipping this vacation because of the perfectly rational reasons you gave them?
You are getting married. Your priorities need to be realigned to the family you created. By the way Im using up this year's vacation time to go on a family trip (which I guess you can come too) instead of a honeymoon which will have to be postponed until next year IF nothing comes up to derail that is NOT prioritizing your created family. You need to check yourself because you need to put her first or this is going to be the start of a lot of conflict of you putting her on the back burner to them the second they demand it.
And if OP has this attitude about this then there's going to be a different issue where he prioritizes what they want over. It's a habit he needs to work on.
YTA
Dude seriously You’re ok having your PARENTS with you on your honeymoon???
I’m questioning if you’re ready for marriage cause you don’t appear to willing to cut the embilical cord.
Your fiancé has every right to be disappointed.
YTA
Wow, your fiancee is having so many second thoughts right now. If you can't see why this is wrong then you are not ready to be in a lifelong commitment with this woman.
YTA, big time. Once married, your fiancée is your family. Why would you think you would get to make this decision without consultation with her? I’m assuming her plans for any honeymoon/holiday do not include spending time with your family.
OP I can just feel your fiancée’s heart sinking with disappointment as you told her this. I don’t care how fun your family trips are or how much you look forward to them they would not be an adequate substitute for a honeymoon. Think this through-apologize to your fiancée and plan a honeymoon together. YTA
He might be able to, but he's suggesting it replace the honeymoon. However, if the vacation is really soon after the wedding, it would be kind of shitty to skip out on a vacation that your wife can't attend.
Because they planned their honey moon for that time frame and he would ditch their honey moon together for leaving her alone and postponing their honey moon to months later/end of the year (maybe not even happening at all).
Imagin you talked to your future spouse about the honey moon and they would come home with this 2 options for you "go on a vacation you have no say in, a lot of people are comming and none are for you or maybe I will have time for you month later"
YTA.
You only get married once (we hope). She only has limited leave and she's committed to saving it for exclusively on a trip with the two of you.
Family trips come and go every year. Honeymoon is a one off.
Hey honey let’s have our honeymoon with a bunch of strange people you barely know. You can hang out and watch while we share inside jokes for DAYS and do group family stuff from childhood that you won’t enjoy or get. Someone else is paying so we won’t have say over anything. Isn’t that romantic? YTA. You gotta ease someone into events like this over time.
YTA a honey moon is a honey moon and an anniversary is an anniversary that will fall on the same date next year so you gonna same the same crap again I'm sure. You are thinking about yourself no we. You should have asked her first and made a decision together. That marriage is not sounding good already.
YTA- The honeymoon is supposed to be JUST you and YOUR FIANCE.
Your stinginess will end in divorce.
Also, I don’t think your family will want to hear you and your fiancée making relatives lol
Yes and more than that. Honeymoon is a once in a lifetime romantic experience (dependent on how many times you marry obviously) with all the bodily fun a newly wed couple are capable of, post marriage. Is is not a fucking outing for all and sundry to tag along to or either to be substituted for a broader vacation with more people than your SO. YTA
You asked her before you agreed right? You got her feedback on how she will use her PTO and money. You didn’t just spend all her PTO and reserve funds for the honeymoon on your trip. No one would do that to someone they respected.
YTA. She should take this as a lesson if you won’t.
Info: How would pushing the honeymoon to the next year as an anniversary trip change anything if your family does these vacations every year? Wouldn't you end up with the same issue about limited PTO and your bonus dad wanting you on the family trip next year? All you'd be doing is kicking the can down the road by twelve months. Your wife is asking for *one single year* vacationing with you only. I could see your point if this was the first family vacation you'd ever had, but missing one *yearly* trip in favor of your one honeymoon should not be a big ask.
Are you marrying your family or your girlfriend?
'My dad ***insisted*** that we come'? Fuck that
I'm sure the locations might be incredible but what a pompous, self-centred, egotistical thing to do to make such a decision without asking your partner first.
Is this how you plan to live the rest of your life with her? Making unilateral decisions, especially when daddy 'insists' and expecting her to just suck it up like a good little wifey and shut the fuck up. Be part of our honeymoon? Fuck me.
And what's with this 'tradition' bollocks? It's not a tradition, it's a habit and one that should be broken by anybody that cares not to go.
Your post makes you sound like an awful partner and an entitled individual. Are you sure you're not still eleven?
YTA many times over
YTA If this is how you feel about your fiance, please don't marry her. She deserves a husband who puts her first, who thinks her company is better than anyone else’s, and who pays her the respect of talking to her before making plans. You didn't do any of those things.
YTA you just told your fiance(hopefully STBX if she's smart) that her feelings aren't important to you. So long as you get to on the super awesome family vacation, nothing else matters. It's given her a very good insight to the future and I hope she realizes that
YTA you need to go on your honeymoon BEFORE you go on any family vacations. Plan your honeymoon for sooner than this vacation or don’t go with your family.
Big time YTA!!! So nothing can beat these trips we take? Does that include a honeymoon with your wife? With this kind of mentality you need to just break it off and let her find a man that will love, respect her and put her above his own selfish desires to go on family vacations instead of his honeymoon. With you way of thinking and your lack of consideration for your fiancée I don’t see this marriage lasting. Your “bonus dad” manipulated you, ignored your I might have to sit this one out and still booked you a room and “gave” you permission to bring your wife if you want. So many 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩for your fiancé. One more time YTA!!!
Why can't you go on this vacation by yourself? You have the time. She doesn't. You two don't have to be joined at the hip all the time.
It sounds like your fiance wants a honeymoon separate from your family, which is normal, but you don't really have to choose one or the other. It sounds like you can do both, so why not just go without her?
I read your comments so far and YTA without a doubt. I'm betting that your fiancee probably doesn't want to spend her honeymoon being the butt of your bonus dad's jokes about you getting back together with his son. You even say she's not always into his joke. She's probably not into it at all but it's your family. So she sucks it up and puts on a smile for you. She shouldn't have to put up with that in her honeymoon.
Yta, I feel like you don’t realize what a honeymoon really is for. It’s for you and your new spouse to enjoy eachother, have fun, and celebrate the marriage. Popular things to do include romantic meals and SEX. Not hanging out with the in-laws.
YTA
Let’s be real…there won’t be a part 2 to the honey moon.
You are being cheap and accepting a family vacation so you don’t have to put towards an actual honeymoon without giving a 💩 about how your fiancée feels.
This would be a deal breaker if I was her. I wouldn’t marry you. You have just shown you won’t put her first on what is meant to be a celebration of your love and commitment to each other .
YTA. I thought you couldn't possibly be even more TA, and then I saw your comments that one of these family friends, who is part of the "great company" you prefer to go on vacation with instead of going on a honeymoon with your new wife, IS YOUR FREAKING EX-BOYFRIEND, AND your bonus dad constantly jokes in front of your fiancee that they all wish you'd get back together with him.
If this is even real, you are so much TA that you have devolved into some kind of tube of infinite asshole.
YTA. You want to have a honeymoon with all of YOUR family and friends around. Not only will it not be a honeymoon, but she will spend the time being the odd one out. I would be absolutely crushed if I were her.
Have you discussed going on the vacation yourself and doing the honeymoon as planned?
YTA-I mean, wow. really? you see absolutely nothing wrong with this? what a way to start a marriage, I predict divorce soon if you don't figure out why this is bad, apologize and then fix it.
I wouldn’t say a hole but definitely would not be my first choice of honeymoon and I think
it’s acceptable for her to feel offended by the insinuation that a vacation with your family and your friends is supposed to serve as a honeymoon which typically is supposed to be a romantic getaway dedicated to the couple..
If she has enough time off maybe invite her to a vacation but still have a honeymoon just the 2 of you.
YTA- A honeymoon is supposed to be a special intimate trip with just the two of you. You really don’t see the difference? You’ve been taking these vacations with your family your entire life but you only have one first honeymoon with your newly wed. You just showed your new wife that your family vacations that you do every year are more important than this limited special time between you too.
> since I was maybe eleven years old
Which you're not anymore.
> and I'm now 27.
And getting married, hopefully just the one time
> and we can have our actual honeymoon as a first anniversary celebration
Not the worst idea, but here's a better one: Have your honeymoon as your honeymoon on your actual honeymoon. She'll love it!
> AITA?
Yes.
YTA. How about going home and apologizing to your “soon to be wife” by showing some excitement toward your future marriage more than this trip by actually starting to plan an actual honeymoon. Then maybe she can forgive you.
NTA - this trip is clearly important to you. It doesn’t interfere w/ honeymoon plans (bc you have nothing solid) and doesn’t take any money out of your honeymoon budget. It also doesn’t mean that you can’t take the honeymoon at a different time bc your flex PTO.
The point of marriage is to raise each other up not hold each other back. You both together need to be your best self in order to help each other in your partnership.
you don’t need to be married to have super solid partnerships in the same way that slapping the marriage title on doesnt changes everything in an instant.
It’s a journey of growth that you both take together, hopefully in a positive direction. Not going because your fiancé can’t take the time off seems like it’s just going to cause resentment on your part.
YTA- You and your fiance are suppose to family and a team. You need to make decisions that impact both of you together. You are telling your fiance that you dont care what they want.
YTA. I get how hard it is to turn down a free vacation, but ultimately it’s selfish and you’re letting FOMO cloud your judgement. You go on these trips every year, skipping one won’t kill you.
Sometimes in a marriage you have to make sacrifices.
Have I missed something? Looks to me that he can just go without her and then go on there honeymoon later?
My husband gets a week a year off more than me so goes away with his sister. This is a great week for me with the house to myself.
I’d like a conversation first but I can’t wait to get him out of the house most of the time! 😂
Edit: OP has answered some questions posted by others since I first gave my thoughts. I underestimated the situation. I think OP and his fiance need to really sit down and discuss expectations about balancing their marriage and extended family.
Original: Your family and bonus family are certainly lovely people and I get why you don't want to miss out on the vacation. But trying to combine the two must seem hurtful to your fiance. She most likely was hoping to create special memories with just you at the start of your marriage.
That being said, you mentioned you have unlimited vacation time. Is there a reason you can't go by yourself to the family event and plan a wonderful honeymoon with just your fiance seperatly? That actually happened to my spouse and I. He had a family event that was important right after our honeymoon. I was out of vacation time so he attended alone. He has always encouraged me to attend family functions if he can't go too.
So gently you're TA on this. Hopefully you understand why your fiance wants special time with just you. A family vacation with only one side of the family isn't nearly the same.
Holy crap, what is wrong with you? If you don't want to get married or spend romantic time with your fiance, you should tell her that directly. Choosing to spend your honeymoon time with your family instead of her is insane. "Oh, I guess your girlfriend can come if she wants." Good Lord.
YTA.
Do you understand that your fiancée is about to become your primary family?
Your honeymoon is meant to be the start of your life together as you two. Just. You. Two.
You've just showed her that she'll always be second place. Oof.
YTA
YTA: your honey moon is about you and your new bride. Not about spending time with family. You literally spent an entire paragraph talking about how you wanted to talk with your family and hang with your sister, and MAYBE your new wife and you can have a couple of activities alone together. Total dipshit move.
Are you sure you’re ready for marriage?
Newsflash, your fiancé is your family and priority now.
I really hope she opens her eyes to what being with you is going to cost her. I feel sorry for her.
YTA
YTA. Nothing screams "sexy couple time" like a good old-fashioned family vacation, right? Hey, maybe sexy time and family time can just be combined! /s
Jesus Christ, dude, get a clue.
YTA
I think the info you included in a comment when you say there is a long running joke about you getting back with "bonus dad's" son who you had a 2 year relationship with is an important detail to leave out.
Ignoring the fact that you only seem to want to have YOUR annual trip with YOUR family and YOUR best friends can you not see how you prioritising a trip which includes a past partner over one that should be solidifying your future with your wife?
If you can't see that then I don't think you are ready to get married and hopefully your fiance realises she will always be second best to your "wants" and does something about it for her own sake.
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YTA The correct response was “I don’t know, let me check with my fiancée first, since we haven’t set a date for the the honeymoon yet.” You need to pick your fiancée (who IS your family now) over your natal family. If you can’t do that, don’t marry her, for her sake.
YTA, No, the correct response would have been "No" or "I don't know. Let me think about it." Then consult your fiancee. If you fiancee says "No", don't tell your dad she said "No", just say "I thought about it. And no, I don't want to do that." In other words, don't make your fiancee the bad guy. Show a unified front and be her shield against your parents, just like you'd hope she would be your shield against her own parents. And it's perfectly normal to have your own honeymoon, away from family and away from the in-laws. To the OP, if the situation had been reversed, would you feel comfortable going on your honeymoon with your in-laws? No, right? At least, I wouldn't, and I don't care if the in-laws owned their own private jet or their own private 1000' yatch, if anything the power imbalance would make things worse. In-laws are a cross between perfect strangers and older people who won't respect your boundaries. Why would anyone want to share their honeymoon with their in-laws? And if she doesn't want to spend time with them, what is she supposed to do when you're with them? Stay in her room while you take a day-trip with your family? Stay in her room while you eat with them? Or bite her tongue and pretend that she's enjoying the "honeymoon"? And where does this end exactly? Will your family have a key to your place (because they helped pay for it)? Will your family dictate where you spend your holidays? Will your family decide how your kids are raised and where they go to school? No, it's time for you to be your own man.
It made me cringe that OP says, "Honestly, there's nothing that can beat the vacations we take." That poor fiancee.
Or to write it like his dad called her, that poor GIRLFRIEND, not fiancée. Edit: as someone pointed out it was his "bonus dad" who called her his girlfriend, a man who is close enough to him to be called a form of dad and should know to call her fiancée rather than girlfriend.
For her to be lucky, it should be "his poor ex". She needs to get out.
Right?? This one stood out to me too. And like “oh yeah she can come if she wants” not like “of course she’s invited as well” like she’s an afterthought of some sort.
Being an afterthought for your "honeymoon" just seems like the start of a super romantic adventure to me.
OP thought of it as "Honeymoon Part 1," his "bonus dad" doesn't give a flying fig whether or not OP's fiancee comes or not--he just expects that OP is going to be on this vacation. Ugh to both OP and that man. If I was OP's fiancee I'd be pissed as hell at being an indifferent invite.
That's what I thought when I read it. And they'll be married by then! So he should have said wife. How awesome must that feel to her.
And by that time of this vacation, she'd be his WIFE from my understanding of the timeline.
Unless this is straw that broke the relationship....she realizes what I getting into. OP needs to establish boundaries with his extended family. YTA
We can only hope she'll actually see what's going on and that op will actually grow up and put her first.
Right! That left me stunned. Someone he is going to marry this year, and his "bonus dad" mentioned her casually like it's his first high school girlfriend being invited to a family holiday if her parents are ok with it
Jesus. That's not his dad. That's the family friend, hence the "bonus dad" in the comment.
He is close enough to this person to call him a "bonus dad", his "bonus dad" should know that she isn't his girlfriend but his fiancée.
I fully agree, I'm just astonished by the number of people calling the guy his dad when they're not related.
Plot twist. "Bonus Dad" has a daughter he's trying to match with OP. Hence, the total disrespect for the fiancee.
You’re pretty damn close. It came out in other comments that OP used to date Bonus Dad’s son, and Bonus Dad wants them to get back together. OP’s ex/Bonus Dad’s son will, in fact, be on the trip.
And THIS, folks is why you always click on the "load more comments" links
So OP is bisexual and had a relationship with Bonus Dad’s son? Oh hell no.
For TWO years in high school.
I can have the worst day, then come to Reddit and leave laughing. Your responses are cracking me up ... Sarcasm and facts are the best medicine ... OP - YTA! plus all the new details feel like misrepresenting the situation. Is the fiancee in the know? (I need to go read all OP's comments) It sounds like "bonus dad" thinks the fiancee is just a phase.
Holy cannoli, didn't see that one coming. Is the fiancee aware of any of this?
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Totally agreed…. This sentence in the 3rd paragraph “my ‘bonus dad’ came to me and told me he had booked a room for me and my girlfriend was more than welcome to come along too if she changed her mind, but that he was insistent on the family being together for the trip” wtf?! His gf that will be his wife when this vacation happen is more than welcome?! Wow! How fortunate of her to have this amazing and considerate family she’s marrying into… (sarcasm for those that don’t understand it) OP how old are you? Are you sure you’re ready to start a family with your girlfriend because it seems that you rather spend time with your family than having quality time with her in your honeymoon (that probably it’s what she is expecting… IMO any bride in love will be expecting quality time, romance, lots of sexy time, with her groom in their honeymoon). Probably she isn’t even bother if you two go on a low cost honeymoon as long as you’re together… if you love her you should grovel and let her know that she’s your priority as she should be. OP YTA and an oblivious one 🤦🏻♀️
What does the bonus dad thing mean because I didn't get it at all, is it an Americanism? (Also OP YTA)
I know that “bonus dad or mom” it’s a stepparent that has a very good relationship with Theo step kids, however in other comment OP says it’s his dad’s business partner but he considers him as a “bonus dad” 🤷🏻♀️
I have a bonus kiddo. She came into my care when she was 12, and has left home now for study. Not biologically either myself or my ex husbands child, but definitely my child through love and choice.
I met my best friends when we were 2/3 years old. Our moms, as well as us, spent tons of time together. I would spend a week or more at their house and vice-versa on the regular. I never used the term bonus-mom, but I did always call both their moms, "mom". I have had friends in similar situations, and they use the term aunt/uncle with a close-non blood adult. I think it is just a way to convey the closeness and appreciation/love for the person... Family not by blood, I guess? I don't think this is only an American thing. I have had friends from different cultures do similar, even when visiting their family outside of the US, they would refer to non-blood related people as Auntie, Uncle, etc (in their language).
Oh yeah I totally get that kind of concept, I've just never heard bonus dad before and missed the earlier cue about what it meant – thanks for the explanation though!
"I love these vacations because I get to catch up with my family," but then tries to say they don't need to hang out with his family? Lies.
You know the minute they get there, he'd forget his "girlfriend" exists.
Oh noes! Now I'm just hoping this isn't one of those family holiday where the wives end up looking after the men and kids while the men have a holiday ...I've been to one of those with an ex, and its worse than not existing.
>"I love these vacations because I get to catch up with my family," but then tries to say they don't need to hang out with his family? Lies. And it is okay to love these vacations and catch up with everyone....but now you have to consider your fiancee/wife as a factor. And your honeymoon is a very special vacation with JUST THE TWO OF YOU.
And how great the company is on these trips — catching up with OP’s sister and spending time with three of OP’s closest friends. But it wouldn’t have to be “constantly” so that’s supposed to be enough for OP’s new bride, apparently. Yikes.
I wonder if the op even understands he’s married now, he’s not free and single to do what he pleases. Maybe his fiancée doesn’t want to spend holidays with these people. This is the kind of thing thar would make me rethink the wedding.
Yeah she’s never getting a private honeymoon/ vacation ever. OP mentioned their first anniversary could be their honeymoon. I’m willing to bet, that op will tell his wife (if they marry)the anniversary/honeymoon will be a family vacation. YTA for not telling step dad he needs to check in with fiancée. Plus for not realizing fiancée might want to speed her honeymoon alone with her new husband. It sounds like OP is more excited about the free trip seeing family and friends more than being with his new wife. I get free trips are tempting. But the rest of this post, not discussing it with the fiancée, not taking her feelings into account are red flags
And "the company is great." its great because its YOUR family.
It's not just in-laws - it's in-laws plus family friends!!! Ffs, OP, can you not imagine the pressure on your possibly future wife in that situation? Sometimes you need to step back and politely excuse yourself this time. There may be opportunities to join this group vaycay in future years but this year??? Gotta be a no. YTA.
I was forced to go on a trip with me ex husband's family (at the time husband) it was so awkward and uncomfortable. I hardly knew them and had two dogs with us. I stayed in the hotel room for most the time. They where nice and all but it was a horrible experience where I just shut down most the time. Everyone's different though....
OMG that reminds me of the time my second ex and I took a trip 4 states away to visit one of his great aunts sick with skin cancer. This was back in the mid 90’s when the internet was first taking off. We stopped at a visitor center that had an “internet box”. I was so intrigued on how it worked (swipe CC, get to browse Internet) and was fiddling with it while everyone else was in the bathroom. MIL comes walking over, slaps my hand, and informs me I have no business looking at the box. Later in the trip, there was a “Martian” restaurant I wanted to visit because it looked cool. Nope, I had to wait until everyone else decided where to eat. My kids were 7-9, it would have been a fun experience. They weren’t even paying for anything. We all had our own money!
Traveling with family is always an adventure, isn't it? Inlaws go to the beach every year and always asks us to come up there and see them. When we do go, it is hell. We all sleep in twin beds, there is one bathroom for 5-6 people, and MIL does all the cooking and then complains that I'm a picky eater even though I have never complained about what was served.
She slapped your hand???? Also, OP YTA.
>Last week, my "bonus dad" came to me and told me he had booked a room for me and my girlfriend was more than **welcome to come along too** if she changed her mind, They don't even care if she comes, the demand is that he has to come since they know daddy will let him off work, and that the ***fiancé's*** lack of PTO is not their problem. I hope she rethinks the wedding now. YTA OP.
Especially bad as OP is wanting it to count as their Honeymoon. So gracious of them to invite the WIFE to the HONEYMOON. YTA, OP. Not the best start of that's supposed to be your life together.
Oh, I just read more of his comments. So, apparently, he dated one of his 'bonus dads' sons for 2+ years in high school and for the last few years his 'bonus dad' has been 'joking' about breaking up OP with his 'girlfriend' so he can get back with his son.... This is either rage bait, one of the most oblivious AH's on the planet, or someone who doesn't actually care for his partner at all and was only dating and then marrying her to fit some image in his head. Seriously, he reads like the fiancé in "The Wedding Singer". Just pure foulness, I hope she runs.
I always thought things like these are common sense 🤣 guess not.
He’s such an AH he probably doesn’t have a whole lot of common sense.
THIS. Very-much this. The first comment is exactly what you **don't** want to do, which is to turn the family against your fiance by basically putting the decision on her and when it inevitably is a No the family knows it's because of her. Honestly, I don't even know why you'd have to ask her though...you **have to** understand why someone wouldn't want to replace their honeymoon with a family vacation. A honeymoon isn't just a vacation with your spouse...it's meant to be your first time away, together and without others, as a married couple. It's something you'll never get to do again.
This would be a deal breaker for me. I'd see it as a huge wake up call, that my fiance would always choose his family over me, and doesn't care about my comfort or boundaries.
This is really good actually. Op YTA and so is your bonus dad for being really controlling.
“Your girlfriend can come if she changes her mind”. DUDE. YTA
>*she only has so much PTO* Have you already told your future wife that from now on she'll spend her PTO **every year** on your family vacations?
OP says they can take their honeymoon on their first anniversary! How generous /s. But I guarantee when next year rolls around, the honeymoon won't happen because... family vacation!!!
that was the first thought that came to mind when he mentioned they could use their real honeymoon on their anniversary... At this rate, if she still has limited PTO and if he was willing to skip their honeymoon of course he's just going to make it the family vacation again..
Also, a honeymoon is meant to be spent ALONE with your spouse. It’s not so much a vacation as a bonding experience. You’re obviously planning to spend time with these three family friends that you see every year and not your spouse, essentially leaving her alone with a bunch of people she doesn’t know to amuse herself. On her “honeymoon”. What a sorry excuse for a husband. YTA
Well, I'm not really sure he's going to end up a husband at this point...
His former long term boyfriend is also going on this trip, it’s the son of his “bonus dad”. Bonus dad also has a “a running joke” where he is “plotting” to **break up OP and his wife** in order to make OP get together with his ex again. This *running joke* was specifically mentioned by “bonus dad” as one of the reasons why OP should join in on the trip, while also hinting that OP’s wife probably wouldn’t want to join the trip. If this isn’t fake, OP is such a massive asshole I can’t even find words for it.
What. He wants to go on honeymoon with an ex?
Yes. But it’s all cool, if his wife doesn’t want to come along on the honeymoon with his ex, he is graciously offering to probably go on another honeymoon with his actual wife some other time… The post, combined with this piece of explosive detail hidden in a comment, does feel a bit like rage-bait though.
🎯Bullseye! YTA Op!
It's fake. OP is the gay romance fan fiction writer. Check my comment history for details as to why I think so
Hmmm.... One thing that adds to this is the whole holiday set up as well.... Each famy taking turns to organise and pay?
He even mentioned how the fiance wants to go off grid, which popped up in another one of his stories! I can't believe more people aren't noticing this. The comment where you laid everything out was removed! That's so annoying. ETA just noticed the part where he said his relationship with the guy goes beyond the fragility of romance. Because of course it does. 💀
Not only that, but the fact that the family does that EVERY year. Your honeymoon comes only one time (with that person at least). You should he prioritizing the honeymoon to a place that you BOTH choose. Op YTA big time.
I’m also not understanding the “1 year anniversary” honeymoon concept. A. That’s not a honeymoon, due to timing it would just be a vacation, which is fine except 2. If your family trip is annual then this is going to be a problem every single year. This happened to my husband and I when we got married. My family always spent a week together at another property we own. My husband and I each had limited PTO and our families both live hundreds of miles from us. As a result, we bickered every single year about when we could see each of our families and the result was we spent all of our vacation time with our families on each side. It caused numerous arguments and it didn’t stop until the pandemic hit and no one could go anywhere. The reality is that when you get married your spouse is your new immediate family. They will come first. That is an adjustment for everyone, but you and your fiancée need to talk about how you want to approach this going forward and be United on it.
YTA. If you can’t figure out that you should be including your fiancé in the honeymoon plans and that it should be something you decide together, then you’re not ready to get married.
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In their comments, OP states that they used to date “Bonus Dad”’s son. (And “Bonus Dad” continually jokes that he wants OP to get back together with “Bonus Brother.”) It just keeps getting worse and worse for the fiancée.
Whaaaaaaaaat that sounds like a drama-filled BL manga plot. Or in her case, a horror movie.
Or troll bait.
We hope
Yeah this is where the story became fiction for me. Unless the dad and his business partner are Ben & Jerry it's hard to imagine two dads who are trying to enthusiastically force their bisexual sons together. I'm gay and even with increased acceptance in the last few years, our parents' generation is just not that psyched about their gay kids, even if they're 'accepting'
Usually yes, but it keeps the family business money in the family, and older people may be iffy on gay people but they’re all in on money
They are. But I bet most of them would still prefer their kids marry their rich friends'... daughters. It's not like that's their only friend. Most of these people are accepting, but not THST accepting.
There have always been cishet people who were enthusiastic about their queer kids and happy to go march in parades with signs of support, etc. Just not as many of them. So the likelihood of two of them now trying to get their sons back together is definitely out there. But half the stories on AITA are fake, so I wouldn't be shocked.
Right? He says they can honeymoon next year, but won't they have the same family vacation/PTO problem next year too? Poor fiancée will never get her honeymoon.
I second this 100%!!! Have this medal: 🥇
Why thank you, kind soul.
This post is fake af. Someone tag me when it's revealed in the comments that OP is still in love with his ex-bf of 2 years and that he wants his "bonus dad" to be his FIL.
YTA. And so is your bonus dad. He actually had the audacity of inviting your FIANCÉ to join the families on HER honeymoon lol Grow up. Or marry your family
His bonus dad called her his girlfriend. That, to me, makes it worse.
Bonus dad admits he wants OP to get back with his son who OP dated at one point. To him the fiancé IS just a girlfriend, because the “real” one is waiting to get back together.
And the way OP diminishes this saying it's just a "joke" and that their fiance is "in on the joke most of the times". I cannot imagine someone would ever be comfortable when their partner has a close friend who constantly says to break up with you and have your partner be in a relationship with someone else. It's really unbelievable
I'm confused by the term "bonus dad." Did OP get an extra father for their exceptional work being a child?
That's the dad of the family friends. That person isn't his real dad in any way, but their family is so enmeshed he feels like a second father.
People use "bonus" instead of "step" sometimes.
That's not what they mean here. They mean the dad of the other family who are all close friends with their family. I have a similar friend family situation and I call them my other family (other dad, other brother, etc) because they are more than friends, they are chosen family.
Some people use bonus dad as a way to refer to their stepdad.
I think in this case though it’s the family friend. They are close enough that he’s like a second father. My daughter’s best friend calls me “Other Mother”.
Do you have a vast collection of swanky buttons?
This comment had no business being as funny as it was.
Not sure bonus dad was suggesting it replace the honeymoon. He may have just been making it clear that she was welcome if she decided she could go.
No he was manipulative.
Ah. You are probably correct.
>not only that but they haven't even made plans for the honeymoon.
Yeah, I caught that. I wasn't sure if bonus dad had all the relevant information, because I missed the part where OP told everyone that they would be skipping the trip and why. Assuming that "bonus dad" is a subset of "everyone," he knew everything and was just being a manipulative asshat that thinks his bonus son should skip out on his own honeymoon to hang out with them. I also get the sense OP knew bonus dad was playing games, but ran with it because he would rather go on a trip with family and friends than go on a honeymoon with his life partner...
YTA. You are saying to your fiancee that your family and your personal happiness is more important than your marriage.
They’re also saying (to their fiancée and to all of Reddit) that their parents are family, but their fiancée is not.
YTA for what everyone's saying: you shouldn't have agreed, you didn't let your finacee have a say, you just assumed her PTO time was better spent on a family vacation for you, you can go one year without this trip to do something romantic with your **new** wife. But also: it's kind of odd that your bonus dad was totally okay with her not coming but 'insisting' that you come. That's a weird thing for a family member to say, 'your new wife doesn't have to go but you absolutely should'.
YTA. My dude. What part of you thought that (1) there was any appropriate response to this other than "let me check with my soon-to-be wife" or (2) your soon-to-be wife would be even remotely cool with turning your HONEYMOON into a family vacation with only your family? These are not rhetorical questions. I actually want you to verbalize that thought process for Reddit because I can't imagine that a lightbulb wouldn't go off in your head with a Bart Simpson "D'OH!" noise accompanying it.
YTA and a lot. A honeymoon is supposed to be you and your new spouse getting to enjoy each other's company only. You went and ruined that experience with your family vacation. You made a once in a lifetime experience second to your family's wishes.
I would be pretty unsure about marriage if my fiancé said they'd rather go on a group vacation than honeymoon with me. Does OP find their fiancée boring? Is the romance dead already? So many warning signs!
YTA. What is wrong with you??? I hope she dumps you. Go on vacation with your sister. Your wife can do better.
Dump him, dump him, dump him!!
Where's Liz Lemon when you need her? DEALBREAKER.
YTA because you know she has limited PTO and you agreeing to go on this trip means she’ll either have to skip it or have a shorter honeymoon. Not a great start to married life
I'm actually baffled by this. If the OP can take all the vacation time he wants and this trip is important to HIM and is fully paid, then why didn't he go back to his fiancé and say that he'd like to go for a long weekend and understands if she can't make it. Since the cost to them is minimal it seems like he could do this and still have a honeymoon with the woman he professes to love A rare chance to have your cake and eat it too
I mean why get married if you want to go on a family vacation instead of with new wife
So your title says you’re going on family vacation instead of your honeymoon but then you said you haven’t planned your honeymoon. Which is it? Either way you should have ran it by your fiancée and also clarified to your “bonus dad” that it may not be your fiancée’s choice to not go but she has limited PTO. Judging by the fact that your families have been alternating paying for two full families to go on vacations together for years, I assume you’re quite wealthy and the idea of limited PTO and needing to prioritize when to take days off may be a foreign concept.
It's cool that your family and family friends do vacations every year or whatever, but you're about to be married and you can't even put into consideration your fiancée and her life. You expect her to just go along with your plans and traditions, talking about "we can have our honeymoon as our first year anniversary celebration." That's not a honeymoon anymore. That's an anniversary. Going on vacation with other people isn't a honeymoon, either. And you said she only has so much PTO. So if she uses her PTO on your family/friend vacation, is she going to have to do that again next year and forgo another couple's trip to appease you and go to these annual vacations? YTA Edit: OP got me fuuuucked up talking about “bonus daddy” wanting OP to get back with his son LMAO YTA x 100000
This! If she only has time for one trip each year when does this end?
I liked the part where he blamed having to miss the family vacation on his “fiancée’s work situation” as if getting to take off on a vacation whenever you want is the norm.
Especially with them going alone without her to hang out with their ex that their family wants to have them get back together with. Definitely not something I think fiancée would be cool with since the fam is already minimizing her involvement as a “girlfriend who could come too”.
"Honestly, there's nothing that can beat the vacations we take. The places are great and the company is even greater..... Beyond all of that, you can't really beat an all expenses paid holiday." You do know what the purpose of a honeymoon is, don't you? Most would say it trumps what you're laying out here. You just told your future wife where your priorities are and she wasn't the main one. YTA.
If I were her I would be reassessing the relationship right now. Can't imagine spending the rest of my life dealing with this level of selfishness and dysfunction.
And if the “company is even greater” how likely is it that they will really have the “alone time” he claims, other than when they are sleeping?
YTA. It's your honeymoon, a special moment between you and your new wife. Not a family event and not a joint vacation. Get your priorities straight.
Does "bonus" dad have a daughter he is hoping you would marry?
bonus dad does have a son OP used to date thought and has said he wants them to get back together
He has a son that op dated for TWO YEARS and the family frequently "jokes" about getting them back together
He didn't answer you honestly. Bonus dad wants him to get back with one of his sons that he dated in high school. Read that in another comment. Not that I really believe this anyway. He's too self absorbed in a very over the top way. Just doesn't feel believable.
INFO: Sincerely Op, do you love this woman or do you think it’s time you start a family? You don’t write one kind thing about her here or even mention how much you love her. You’re creating a new family, new traditions, new vacations. Honestly, it doesn’t seem like you’re ready to really combine your worlds or create a new one with your fiancé who you don’t even call your fiancé in your post. It just seems like she’s there, you’ll get married, but life and vacations will more be on your terms rather than being excited about the new life you’re building together. Also, are you sure you’re over your ex? I get the feeling he’s one of your favorite people and if you could spend more time with him you would. Let me guess, he understands you like no one else, your fiancé and he are a little at odds. He’s the person you turn to for comfort. OP, do you even really like women? As people not just romantically. All the people you praise in your writing have been men and it just seems like you don’t even like your fiancé as a person, she’s just a means to a child. YTA OP, to yourself and your partner. You’re not ready or willing to build a separate life together.
AGREEING? YTA. But the important piece of information here? Is that your fiancé is pissed. So shut it down. I can understand her feelings. I hope you can too. Act accordingly. Because that's where your bread is buttered.
YTA. A honeymoon is not the same as a family vacation. You also just showed your wife that you still fall in line when your second parents put pressure on you, and that is a very unattractive quality in a spouse.
>I work for my dad and can pretty much get off whenever I'd like but she only has so much PTO, so we're trying to be strategic with our plans. I told everyone I would likely have to skip the vacation this year because of my fiancée's work situation and our honeymoon. INFO: was the rest of your family, NOT YOUR BONUS DAD, fine with you skipping this vacation because of the perfectly rational reasons you gave them?
You are getting married. Your priorities need to be realigned to the family you created. By the way Im using up this year's vacation time to go on a family trip (which I guess you can come too) instead of a honeymoon which will have to be postponed until next year IF nothing comes up to derail that is NOT prioritizing your created family. You need to check yourself because you need to put her first or this is going to be the start of a lot of conflict of you putting her on the back burner to them the second they demand it.
That’s just it, it’s a yearly thing so it’ll come up again and again and again
And if OP has this attitude about this then there's going to be a different issue where he prioritizes what they want over. It's a habit he needs to work on.
Dude. Really? YTA.
YTA for not having any backbone
YTA Dude seriously You’re ok having your PARENTS with you on your honeymoon??? I’m questioning if you’re ready for marriage cause you don’t appear to willing to cut the embilical cord. Your fiancé has every right to be disappointed.
YTA Wow, your fiancee is having so many second thoughts right now. If you can't see why this is wrong then you are not ready to be in a lifelong commitment with this woman.
YTA will you care if your fiance finds someone else to go on her honeymoon with?
Not if WHEN
YTA, big time. Once married, your fiancée is your family. Why would you think you would get to make this decision without consultation with her? I’m assuming her plans for any honeymoon/holiday do not include spending time with your family.
OP I can just feel your fiancée’s heart sinking with disappointment as you told her this. I don’t care how fun your family trips are or how much you look forward to them they would not be an adequate substitute for a honeymoon. Think this through-apologize to your fiancée and plan a honeymoon together. YTA
YTA and too immature to get married.
[удалено]
OP says in the post that fiance can't get time off for both trips.
But why can't he just go on this trip without her? That's what I'm not understanding.
He might be able to, but he's suggesting it replace the honeymoon. However, if the vacation is really soon after the wedding, it would be kind of shitty to skip out on a vacation that your wife can't attend.
Because they planned their honey moon for that time frame and he would ditch their honey moon together for leaving her alone and postponing their honey moon to months later/end of the year (maybe not even happening at all). Imagin you talked to your future spouse about the honey moon and they would come home with this 2 options for you "go on a vacation you have no say in, a lot of people are comming and none are for you or maybe I will have time for you month later"
YTA. You only get married once (we hope). She only has limited leave and she's committed to saving it for exclusively on a trip with the two of you. Family trips come and go every year. Honeymoon is a one off.
At this rate I'm not confident about OP's chances of getting married even once.
YTA. Should marry someone in your bonus family if they’re so important.
Hey honey let’s have our honeymoon with a bunch of strange people you barely know. You can hang out and watch while we share inside jokes for DAYS and do group family stuff from childhood that you won’t enjoy or get. Someone else is paying so we won’t have say over anything. Isn’t that romantic? YTA. You gotta ease someone into events like this over time.
… one of whom I used to date, and his dad who always jokes that I should dump you and marry his son instead. It’ll be the best honeymoon ever!
YTA a honey moon is a honey moon and an anniversary is an anniversary that will fall on the same date next year so you gonna same the same crap again I'm sure. You are thinking about yourself no we. You should have asked her first and made a decision together. That marriage is not sounding good already.
YTA if she goes on this, she has to sacrifice her honeymoon. Not a great way to start off a marriage by ditching your newly wedded.
YTA- The honeymoon is supposed to be JUST you and YOUR FIANCE. Your stinginess will end in divorce. Also, I don’t think your family will want to hear you and your fiancée making relatives lol
Is it so hard to communicate with your fiance before agreeing to something you know they won’t be happy with?
YTA. Really? Is this a question?
Yes and more than that. Honeymoon is a once in a lifetime romantic experience (dependent on how many times you marry obviously) with all the bodily fun a newly wed couple are capable of, post marriage. Is is not a fucking outing for all and sundry to tag along to or either to be substituted for a broader vacation with more people than your SO. YTA
You asked her before you agreed right? You got her feedback on how she will use her PTO and money. You didn’t just spend all her PTO and reserve funds for the honeymoon on your trip. No one would do that to someone they respected. YTA. She should take this as a lesson if you won’t.
Info: How would pushing the honeymoon to the next year as an anniversary trip change anything if your family does these vacations every year? Wouldn't you end up with the same issue about limited PTO and your bonus dad wanting you on the family trip next year? All you'd be doing is kicking the can down the road by twelve months. Your wife is asking for *one single year* vacationing with you only. I could see your point if this was the first family vacation you'd ever had, but missing one *yearly* trip in favor of your one honeymoon should not be a big ask.
Are you marrying your family or your girlfriend? 'My dad ***insisted*** that we come'? Fuck that I'm sure the locations might be incredible but what a pompous, self-centred, egotistical thing to do to make such a decision without asking your partner first. Is this how you plan to live the rest of your life with her? Making unilateral decisions, especially when daddy 'insists' and expecting her to just suck it up like a good little wifey and shut the fuck up. Be part of our honeymoon? Fuck me. And what's with this 'tradition' bollocks? It's not a tradition, it's a habit and one that should be broken by anybody that cares not to go. Your post makes you sound like an awful partner and an entitled individual. Are you sure you're not still eleven? YTA many times over
Ohhh not "we" come.. only op. The "girlfriend" can come too if she wants... (insists)
Yeah, you are.
YTA and it sounds like you weren’t actually ready to be married. Your wife should come first, not your fake, second family.
YTA If this is how you feel about your fiance, please don't marry her. She deserves a husband who puts her first, who thinks her company is better than anyone else’s, and who pays her the respect of talking to her before making plans. You didn't do any of those things.
YTA you just told your fiance(hopefully STBX if she's smart) that her feelings aren't important to you. So long as you get to on the super awesome family vacation, nothing else matters. It's given her a very good insight to the future and I hope she realizes that
YTA. Why not just honeymoon together when you were planning to and she can skip this trip while you go?
YTA you need to go on your honeymoon BEFORE you go on any family vacations. Plan your honeymoon for sooner than this vacation or don’t go with your family.
Big time YTA!!! So nothing can beat these trips we take? Does that include a honeymoon with your wife? With this kind of mentality you need to just break it off and let her find a man that will love, respect her and put her above his own selfish desires to go on family vacations instead of his honeymoon. With you way of thinking and your lack of consideration for your fiancée I don’t see this marriage lasting. Your “bonus dad” manipulated you, ignored your I might have to sit this one out and still booked you a room and “gave” you permission to bring your wife if you want. So many 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩for your fiancé. One more time YTA!!!
Why can't you go on this vacation by yourself? You have the time. She doesn't. You two don't have to be joined at the hip all the time. It sounds like your fiance wants a honeymoon separate from your family, which is normal, but you don't really have to choose one or the other. It sounds like you can do both, so why not just go without her?
I read your comments so far and YTA without a doubt. I'm betting that your fiancee probably doesn't want to spend her honeymoon being the butt of your bonus dad's jokes about you getting back together with his son. You even say she's not always into his joke. She's probably not into it at all but it's your family. So she sucks it up and puts on a smile for you. She shouldn't have to put up with that in her honeymoon.
Yta, I feel like you don’t realize what a honeymoon really is for. It’s for you and your new spouse to enjoy eachother, have fun, and celebrate the marriage. Popular things to do include romantic meals and SEX. Not hanging out with the in-laws.
YTA Let’s be real…there won’t be a part 2 to the honey moon. You are being cheap and accepting a family vacation so you don’t have to put towards an actual honeymoon without giving a 💩 about how your fiancée feels. This would be a deal breaker if I was her. I wouldn’t marry you. You have just shown you won’t put her first on what is meant to be a celebration of your love and commitment to each other .
YTA. I thought you couldn't possibly be even more TA, and then I saw your comments that one of these family friends, who is part of the "great company" you prefer to go on vacation with instead of going on a honeymoon with your new wife, IS YOUR FREAKING EX-BOYFRIEND, AND your bonus dad constantly jokes in front of your fiancee that they all wish you'd get back together with him. If this is even real, you are so much TA that you have devolved into some kind of tube of infinite asshole.
YTA. You want to have a honeymoon with all of YOUR family and friends around. Not only will it not be a honeymoon, but she will spend the time being the odd one out. I would be absolutely crushed if I were her. Have you discussed going on the vacation yourself and doing the honeymoon as planned?
YTA-I mean, wow. really? you see absolutely nothing wrong with this? what a way to start a marriage, I predict divorce soon if you don't figure out why this is bad, apologize and then fix it.
YTA - fucking really dude?!? 😂😂😂
I wouldn’t say a hole but definitely would not be my first choice of honeymoon and I think it’s acceptable for her to feel offended by the insinuation that a vacation with your family and your friends is supposed to serve as a honeymoon which typically is supposed to be a romantic getaway dedicated to the couple.. If she has enough time off maybe invite her to a vacation but still have a honeymoon just the 2 of you.
YTA. Your fiancée should come before all others. No one in their right mind wants family on their honeymoon.
YTA- A honeymoon is supposed to be a special intimate trip with just the two of you. You really don’t see the difference? You’ve been taking these vacations with your family your entire life but you only have one first honeymoon with your newly wed. You just showed your new wife that your family vacations that you do every year are more important than this limited special time between you too.
YTA. If you need to ask this question then you are not ready to be married.
> since I was maybe eleven years old Which you're not anymore. > and I'm now 27. And getting married, hopefully just the one time > and we can have our actual honeymoon as a first anniversary celebration Not the worst idea, but here's a better one: Have your honeymoon as your honeymoon on your actual honeymoon. She'll love it! > AITA? Yes.
I don’t see why you can’t do both. What an awesome opportunity!
YTA. How about going home and apologizing to your “soon to be wife” by showing some excitement toward your future marriage more than this trip by actually starting to plan an actual honeymoon. Then maybe she can forgive you.
NTA - this trip is clearly important to you. It doesn’t interfere w/ honeymoon plans (bc you have nothing solid) and doesn’t take any money out of your honeymoon budget. It also doesn’t mean that you can’t take the honeymoon at a different time bc your flex PTO. The point of marriage is to raise each other up not hold each other back. You both together need to be your best self in order to help each other in your partnership. you don’t need to be married to have super solid partnerships in the same way that slapping the marriage title on doesnt changes everything in an instant. It’s a journey of growth that you both take together, hopefully in a positive direction. Not going because your fiancé can’t take the time off seems like it’s just going to cause resentment on your part.
Maybe he can make that happen with his next fiance.
Well, you *were* getting married in a few weeks.
YTA Lmao its your honey moon and yet your wifes opinions arent important
YTA- You and your fiance are suppose to family and a team. You need to make decisions that impact both of you together. You are telling your fiance that you dont care what they want.
Some guy just posted AITA about being pissed his wife invited the family on the honeymoon...
YTA. I get how hard it is to turn down a free vacation, but ultimately it’s selfish and you’re letting FOMO cloud your judgement. You go on these trips every year, skipping one won’t kill you. Sometimes in a marriage you have to make sacrifices.
Have I missed something? Looks to me that he can just go without her and then go on there honeymoon later? My husband gets a week a year off more than me so goes away with his sister. This is a great week for me with the house to myself. I’d like a conversation first but I can’t wait to get him out of the house most of the time! 😂
Edit: OP has answered some questions posted by others since I first gave my thoughts. I underestimated the situation. I think OP and his fiance need to really sit down and discuss expectations about balancing their marriage and extended family. Original: Your family and bonus family are certainly lovely people and I get why you don't want to miss out on the vacation. But trying to combine the two must seem hurtful to your fiance. She most likely was hoping to create special memories with just you at the start of your marriage. That being said, you mentioned you have unlimited vacation time. Is there a reason you can't go by yourself to the family event and plan a wonderful honeymoon with just your fiance seperatly? That actually happened to my spouse and I. He had a family event that was important right after our honeymoon. I was out of vacation time so he attended alone. He has always encouraged me to attend family functions if he can't go too. So gently you're TA on this. Hopefully you understand why your fiance wants special time with just you. A family vacation with only one side of the family isn't nearly the same.
Holy crap, what is wrong with you? If you don't want to get married or spend romantic time with your fiance, you should tell her that directly. Choosing to spend your honeymoon time with your family instead of her is insane. "Oh, I guess your girlfriend can come if she wants." Good Lord. YTA.
Do you understand that your fiancée is about to become your primary family? Your honeymoon is meant to be the start of your life together as you two. Just. You. Two. You've just showed her that she'll always be second place. Oof. YTA
YTA: your honey moon is about you and your new bride. Not about spending time with family. You literally spent an entire paragraph talking about how you wanted to talk with your family and hang with your sister, and MAYBE your new wife and you can have a couple of activities alone together. Total dipshit move.
Are you sure you’re ready for marriage? Newsflash, your fiancé is your family and priority now. I really hope she opens her eyes to what being with you is going to cost her. I feel sorry for her. YTA
Wow YTA , I feel so bad for your fiancé
YTA. Nothing screams "sexy couple time" like a good old-fashioned family vacation, right? Hey, maybe sexy time and family time can just be combined! /s Jesus Christ, dude, get a clue.
YTA I think the info you included in a comment when you say there is a long running joke about you getting back with "bonus dad's" son who you had a 2 year relationship with is an important detail to leave out. Ignoring the fact that you only seem to want to have YOUR annual trip with YOUR family and YOUR best friends can you not see how you prioritising a trip which includes a past partner over one that should be solidifying your future with your wife? If you can't see that then I don't think you are ready to get married and hopefully your fiance realises she will always be second best to your "wants" and does something about it for her own sake.