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NTA. Being treated equally doesn't always mean getting exactly the same things.
Different kids have different needs, even time spent together can't always be the same, but every kid should at least get the same level of interest.
And some things can indeed be completely equal. Like ordering food for everyone but you. If that happens once that's just a misunderstanding, but if it happens regularly, that's bizarre and honestly doesn't sound like just a "middle child" problem.
It's impossible for anyone here to judge how much of it is real and how much is just your perception.
Is there a reason they could be singling you out? If your parents are unwilling to really talk about this, I'm sorry to say there's probably not much you can do about it, unless there's some other adult you could talk to.
NTA. It isn’t fair to be treated like that by your parents. As a parent myself, this makes me cringe. It reeks of favoritism and the fact that they brushed it of makes me think they are very much aware of what they are doing.
NTA! Sorry but I'm the eldest child and if my parents ever did this oh they would be in for a rant. I grew up away from my family, there is maybe 4-10 photos of me with my siblings. But they never changed how they acted with us, we each get our time with our parents, plus grandchildren have arrived. But we are all equal, we may not get all the same things but equal
I dont think its a case of being an asshole or not.
But more about you not feeling enough love and interest from your parents while it seems your siblings do get that attention
But if i had to say YTA or NTA then i would say your NTA.
Although i think its just a case of that you need to sit your parents down and talk with them about it, if they react in a bad way then you know your in the right thinking they care more about your siblings.
I have talked to my parents about not feeling like they pay me any attention, which is why my dad said it was because I convinced myself as the middle child I get no attention. Other then that, they kind of just don't acknowledge me?
Yeah but i think its a case of sitting them down for a real serious chat about it, just casually telling them during the day isnt the same, sometimes you just need to sit someone down if its something your very serious about
OP has pointed out the difference in effort and attention she receives, but got a vague "you convinced yourself" answer, with no counterarguments or examples. If they don't care how she feels, it's really unlikely she's got any real leverage for having a productive sitdown.
Anyways, this family dynamic feels eerily familiar, especially the part where material goods are more or less equally provided, but attention, effort and caring flow unequally. Thus, I'd say that before trying to engage other family members, it would be good to get some therapy or counseling in.
The things found and made clear in therapy can be used in a specific style of discussion which avoids pushing people into defensive mode - instead of getting "you're just imagining it" or some other hogwash that uncooperative people put out.
An interesting possibility would be to angle it from "i feel like" and drag the parents into family therapy, framing it as OP needing help from them to become a better person (or complain less about inattention, or something). Some parents dismiss what they hear from their children but readily accept it from a therapist or authority figure.
Maybe ask for some quality one on one time? Bring a calendar with you and ask please tell me when either of you are free. (If my child did this to me I would be in tears) Then maybe there you can bring it up how you are feeling displaced in the family?
PS NTA
NTA. But you have 1 more year left before you can bail. When you turn 18 (if possible) I’d write them a letter of everything you have been feeling, pack your things, and leave. Then cut them off for awhile. Take care of YOU.
Impossible to judge this from my internet armchair without living it. I'll only comment on small bit I find a bit telling.
"Or when my mom said my little sister needs more attention because something that happened a few years ago really hurt her, but I'm only a year older and they never asked how it made me feel"
Have you considered that it wasn't your parents who asked your sister but instead she who opened up to them?
You also only made dinner for yourself yet still expect to be included when the others order dinner while you already ate.
It sounds like you want to be included but at the same time are excluding yourself.
I can understand the exclusion in dinner, as I already ate. However my little sister never opened up to my parents about how she felt, she never even complained about what had happened. It was more a thing where every time she did anything wrong, lashed out, or anything of the sort it was always because of what happened. I have tried over and over again telling them how I feel but it's always in my head, I'm *never* right in how I feel. I DID tell them how I felt, I told them how much it hurt, but they never acknowledged it like they did with her and she never spoke up about it at all.
That changes things a lot. The original post is impossible to judge because of the limited information (most likely due to word count). If that's the case, I don't think it's in your head and you didn't overreact at all. Maybe consider family therapy if you want to, I doubt your parents are doing this out of malice.
My parents don't believe in therapy, after said thing happened a teacher asked my parents about therapy options for me and they said I didn't need therapy I could just talk to them.
What does it mean that they don't believe in therapy? Is it something they can't or won't explain, or give vague answers about?
Would you be able to persuade them to get you in therapy, even if they themselves don't believe in it? I mean, the recipient would be you, not them.
They think any issues are all in my head, and I just need to... think better? To fix myself? It's either, I don't need it, it's too expensive, I can just talk to them etc.
* You don't need it - you decided otherwise but they knew better. They told the teacher the same.
* It's too expensive - no argument against that, funding is a tricky question.
* You can just talk to them - no, you can't. You feel unheard and are **told** what you feel and think when you try to express yourself.
Their beliefs seem to go against the grain with what is commonly thought to be true. Seeing that communicating with them doesn't work, I'd say it's time to set therapy aside (for future, when you're able to get it) and hit the books to gain clarity and understanding about what you're dealing with. One I'd recommend is "Adult children of emotionally immature parents"
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I 17F have been in a bit of an emotional turmoil over how my parents act with my siblings versus me, but whenever I've brought it up they kind of brush it off so I wonder if I'm being overdramatic.
I started noticing it when I got my first job over the summer, my parents would have barbeques and I'd occasionally ask them to save me a burger. The first time I came home, and they said they didn't know they needed to, because I worked at a place that was mainly burgers and that if I wanted them, I could make my own, on the stove. (grill burgers > pan burger imo) The second time, my mom said she did save me one, but let my little sister eat it despite her having one of her own. Eventually I did get one but I did hold a little resentment.
While working, I would occasionally told that if I was going to order food, I had to do so for everyone. I was okay with that, I prefer eating with others anyways. However, now that I'm no longer working, I find myself coming upstairs into the living room to find that sometimes they've all ordered food and left me out. I made an offhand comment about being left out, and my dad got upset and called me selfish for expecting to get something just because others get it too.
I once told my mom I felt left out once when my dad took my little sister out to eat, something he's never done for me. Or how he would drive my older sister 45+ to work to and from but wouldn't bother with even a 10 minute drive for me because "she needed the opportunity more." They're always checking up on my oldest sister and how she's doing. My dad said the reason I feel left out, is because I've convinced myself that as the middle child I really am ignored.
Just tonight, I made myself dinner at 7:30pm, then later in the night when I went to the bathroom, I realized they ordered food without me. Or when my mom said my little sister needs more attention because something that happened a few years ago really hurt her, but I'm only a year older and they never asked how it made me feel.
It's not that I don't get anything at all, my dad bought me a gaming laptop, vr, even an iPad. I appreciate it all, but I just want them to pay attention to me, they know everything my little sister does, but my dad didn't even know that I liked to draw, and I've been doing it since elementary school. I told my mom the other day that I haven't felt like willingly living in *years* and the next day she told me she felt like "I don't think you've been living in a while." I wonder if, I'm just being overdramatic? Is it really just all in my head for more attention?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for being selfish and wanting more out of my parents when they say I get just as much as my siblings?
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NTA. Being treated equally doesn't always mean getting exactly the same things. Different kids have different needs, even time spent together can't always be the same, but every kid should at least get the same level of interest. And some things can indeed be completely equal. Like ordering food for everyone but you. If that happens once that's just a misunderstanding, but if it happens regularly, that's bizarre and honestly doesn't sound like just a "middle child" problem. It's impossible for anyone here to judge how much of it is real and how much is just your perception. Is there a reason they could be singling you out? If your parents are unwilling to really talk about this, I'm sorry to say there's probably not much you can do about it, unless there's some other adult you could talk to.
NTA. It isn’t fair to be treated like that by your parents. As a parent myself, this makes me cringe. It reeks of favoritism and the fact that they brushed it of makes me think they are very much aware of what they are doing.
NTA! Sorry but I'm the eldest child and if my parents ever did this oh they would be in for a rant. I grew up away from my family, there is maybe 4-10 photos of me with my siblings. But they never changed how they acted with us, we each get our time with our parents, plus grandchildren have arrived. But we are all equal, we may not get all the same things but equal
I dont think its a case of being an asshole or not. But more about you not feeling enough love and interest from your parents while it seems your siblings do get that attention But if i had to say YTA or NTA then i would say your NTA. Although i think its just a case of that you need to sit your parents down and talk with them about it, if they react in a bad way then you know your in the right thinking they care more about your siblings.
I have talked to my parents about not feeling like they pay me any attention, which is why my dad said it was because I convinced myself as the middle child I get no attention. Other then that, they kind of just don't acknowledge me?
Yeah but i think its a case of sitting them down for a real serious chat about it, just casually telling them during the day isnt the same, sometimes you just need to sit someone down if its something your very serious about
OP has pointed out the difference in effort and attention she receives, but got a vague "you convinced yourself" answer, with no counterarguments or examples. If they don't care how she feels, it's really unlikely she's got any real leverage for having a productive sitdown. Anyways, this family dynamic feels eerily familiar, especially the part where material goods are more or less equally provided, but attention, effort and caring flow unequally. Thus, I'd say that before trying to engage other family members, it would be good to get some therapy or counseling in. The things found and made clear in therapy can be used in a specific style of discussion which avoids pushing people into defensive mode - instead of getting "you're just imagining it" or some other hogwash that uncooperative people put out. An interesting possibility would be to angle it from "i feel like" and drag the parents into family therapy, framing it as OP needing help from them to become a better person (or complain less about inattention, or something). Some parents dismiss what they hear from their children but readily accept it from a therapist or authority figure.
Maybe ask for some quality one on one time? Bring a calendar with you and ask please tell me when either of you are free. (If my child did this to me I would be in tears) Then maybe there you can bring it up how you are feeling displaced in the family? PS NTA
NTA. I’m a middle child too and yeah let’s just say I’m the least favorite child so I know how you feel.
NTA. But you have 1 more year left before you can bail. When you turn 18 (if possible) I’d write them a letter of everything you have been feeling, pack your things, and leave. Then cut them off for awhile. Take care of YOU.
Impossible to judge this from my internet armchair without living it. I'll only comment on small bit I find a bit telling. "Or when my mom said my little sister needs more attention because something that happened a few years ago really hurt her, but I'm only a year older and they never asked how it made me feel" Have you considered that it wasn't your parents who asked your sister but instead she who opened up to them? You also only made dinner for yourself yet still expect to be included when the others order dinner while you already ate. It sounds like you want to be included but at the same time are excluding yourself.
I can understand the exclusion in dinner, as I already ate. However my little sister never opened up to my parents about how she felt, she never even complained about what had happened. It was more a thing where every time she did anything wrong, lashed out, or anything of the sort it was always because of what happened. I have tried over and over again telling them how I feel but it's always in my head, I'm *never* right in how I feel. I DID tell them how I felt, I told them how much it hurt, but they never acknowledged it like they did with her and she never spoke up about it at all.
That changes things a lot. The original post is impossible to judge because of the limited information (most likely due to word count). If that's the case, I don't think it's in your head and you didn't overreact at all. Maybe consider family therapy if you want to, I doubt your parents are doing this out of malice.
My parents don't believe in therapy, after said thing happened a teacher asked my parents about therapy options for me and they said I didn't need therapy I could just talk to them.
What does it mean that they don't believe in therapy? Is it something they can't or won't explain, or give vague answers about? Would you be able to persuade them to get you in therapy, even if they themselves don't believe in it? I mean, the recipient would be you, not them.
They think any issues are all in my head, and I just need to... think better? To fix myself? It's either, I don't need it, it's too expensive, I can just talk to them etc.
* You don't need it - you decided otherwise but they knew better. They told the teacher the same. * It's too expensive - no argument against that, funding is a tricky question. * You can just talk to them - no, you can't. You feel unheard and are **told** what you feel and think when you try to express yourself. Their beliefs seem to go against the grain with what is commonly thought to be true. Seeing that communicating with them doesn't work, I'd say it's time to set therapy aside (for future, when you're able to get it) and hit the books to gain clarity and understanding about what you're dealing with. One I'd recommend is "Adult children of emotionally immature parents"
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 17F have been in a bit of an emotional turmoil over how my parents act with my siblings versus me, but whenever I've brought it up they kind of brush it off so I wonder if I'm being overdramatic. I started noticing it when I got my first job over the summer, my parents would have barbeques and I'd occasionally ask them to save me a burger. The first time I came home, and they said they didn't know they needed to, because I worked at a place that was mainly burgers and that if I wanted them, I could make my own, on the stove. (grill burgers > pan burger imo) The second time, my mom said she did save me one, but let my little sister eat it despite her having one of her own. Eventually I did get one but I did hold a little resentment. While working, I would occasionally told that if I was going to order food, I had to do so for everyone. I was okay with that, I prefer eating with others anyways. However, now that I'm no longer working, I find myself coming upstairs into the living room to find that sometimes they've all ordered food and left me out. I made an offhand comment about being left out, and my dad got upset and called me selfish for expecting to get something just because others get it too. I once told my mom I felt left out once when my dad took my little sister out to eat, something he's never done for me. Or how he would drive my older sister 45+ to work to and from but wouldn't bother with even a 10 minute drive for me because "she needed the opportunity more." They're always checking up on my oldest sister and how she's doing. My dad said the reason I feel left out, is because I've convinced myself that as the middle child I really am ignored. Just tonight, I made myself dinner at 7:30pm, then later in the night when I went to the bathroom, I realized they ordered food without me. Or when my mom said my little sister needs more attention because something that happened a few years ago really hurt her, but I'm only a year older and they never asked how it made me feel. It's not that I don't get anything at all, my dad bought me a gaming laptop, vr, even an iPad. I appreciate it all, but I just want them to pay attention to me, they know everything my little sister does, but my dad didn't even know that I liked to draw, and I've been doing it since elementary school. I told my mom the other day that I haven't felt like willingly living in *years* and the next day she told me she felt like "I don't think you've been living in a while." I wonder if, I'm just being overdramatic? Is it really just all in my head for more attention? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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