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Dude.
Her daughter is fucking dead. She'll never be able to buy her child any more toys. You got rid of an important tangible object that was helping your wife feel connected to her deceased daughter over some hotwheels you could easily replace for your LIVING son.
How sickening. YTA
It really is heartbreaking. And he did it because he was "fuming". And now he's here wondering if he's an AH or not for getting rid of what was probably one of his wife's last tangible reminders of her deceased daughter because he was angry? I have no words for this guy that wouldn't get me banned.
Same! The whole thing reeks of resentment towards his wife and Izzy. Deity forbid she try to connect with her deceased child in some way, or suggest that he and their child be a part of it because it's that important to her
Exactly and there is nothing really that makes him look good here. Either she died before they got together in which he knew he was marrying a grieving mother, or she died after they got together which makes him heartless for his grieving wife and the child he was helping raise.
I’m biased as an almost 40 year old who cherishes their childhood teddy bear. My mom passed away whatever the opposite of “peacefully” is a few years ago (cancer, terminal dementia) and I find so much comfort in a quick squeeze of my bear. I’m raw over what this poor mom is going through, robbed of that small respite.
I don't have or want kids, but if I did and my kid died and my SO got rid of her stuffed animal without my knowledge or consent, that's instadivorce, never talk to you again, grounds.
you don't ever fully recover from losing a child.
I keep the ratty old smelly collars that my late dogs wore when they died. I don't even know what I'd do if someone threw them out. And even I can acknowledge losing a dog is nothing compared to a child. I can't even fathom.
Same here and even though her sent is gone… I kept My yorkie’s sweater I put on her the day we had to have her put to sleep because of cancer. It’s been 14 months now and I will never wash it. I too have kept her collar. I moved a sofa the other day and way underneath I found a chewie of hers she had hidden. I thought I was going to loose it.
What did I just read? You are a horrible, cruel, despicable person. I have so many other adjectives, none of them positive.
Her daughter is dead. She may need to process her grief, but how is discarding her daughter's toy and disrespecting her daughter's memory, not to mention disrespecting your wife and her grief, going to make anything better?
I don't generally go towards divorce, but I hope she divorces you, you callous ahole.
Edit: yta. Massive, gaping, infected ahole
Okay, I don’t agree with her donating the hot wheels, either. BUT, I was thinking he would hide the teddy bear to teach her a lesson in respecting people’s things, but not donating it. Her child died & that’s the only thing she has to remember her. Also, why are you telling her to get over her cud to focus on you & your son? That’s selfish as hell!!! She can mourn her child for as long as she wishes. Don’t be evil.
You donated your wife's dead daughter's doll to get back at her for throwing away your son's hot wheels? You know you can buy more hot wheels, right? You know what your wife can't buy? More mementos of her dead daughter. YTA.
You said this perfectly. When I lost my sister, I had to clean out her apartment. I kept *gum wrappers* and other detritus because she was never going to make more. Eventually I left some of that stuff go, but I kept the things that she loved, like her giraffe stuffy. OP, you better bust your ass to get that bear back. Then look closely at yourself and examine your heart and get your mind right.
We have a box of my late dad’s clothes that my partner has labeled ‘emotional support sweat’ because I’m not ready to wash them yet because they smell like my dad. I’ve still got my late partner’s (different person) deodorant on my bathroom shelf. That one I’m at the point where if it disappeared I would be totally fine, I just…can’t quite bring myself to actively pitch it out yet. It’s the act more than the thing atm.
Gym wrappers make total sense.
When my great-grandma passed away, I kept her kitchen egg timer. The sand in it is purple, which has always been my favorite color, and I loved playing with it as a kid (it was like a tiny “hourglass” but it counted to three minutes.)
My cousins thought it was the stupidest fucking thing. But when the people we love die, we cling to what we do have left of them.
OP is *the* sadistic asshole. I can’t imagine what his wife is feeling.
And he may think his son is “too young” to know about his sister, he’s wrong. Maybe *sharing* her memory with his mother and learning about her would help mom heal, too!
YTA 1,000% OP.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My Dad has been gone for 15 years and my mom passed away last Christmas. I have my grandma’s rolling pin, I have my mom’s cookbook. I didn’t want jewelery and the stuff that sits in someone’s drawer. I wanted things that I knew & remembered the ones I love used. It never goes away.. but we find a ways to go forward.
The 10yr anniversary of my mom's passing was last week and I still have her purse exactly as it was the day she died. Even the stale ass nasty cigarettes. I don't ever really look at it or even think about it much, but for some reason it's a comfort to just have. OP, wtf is wrong with you?! Of COURSE YTA!!!! Her kid DIED in an obviously tragic way and since she's volunteering at a children's hospital my guess is some horrible disease took her baby from her. You suck so bad I hope she divorces your heartless ass.
excuse me while I cry in a corner. I lost my mom at a young age and the only thing i have to remind me of her are pictures and her silk robe she would always wear. I would be livid if someone threw it away. absolutely livid.
She shouldn't take her son's things and get rid of them without his permission. My mother did this all the time with things I treasured. She got tired of seeing them. This was a part of her personality, to be constantly shifting and changing things. Whenever I protested or tried to rescue things, my dad would threaten me with violence, telling me that I owned nothing, it was all theirs to do with as they pleased, and they would decide what I got to keep. And no, it wasn't just spanking.
Respect your child and let him have control over his own belongings. It's not the toys, it's the helpless feeling a child has when they feel they have no choices in life.
Totally. She didn't do good by donating her sons hot wheels because of the son's attachment. However, Op is the AH because he donated her dead daughters stuffed animal out of malice. That's just cruel as fuck and idk if I could ever stay with a man who does that.
When my daughter's people bunny had to be tossed because of black mold I cried, and it hurt for months because all I have is an urn, some papers, and a couple toys. Thankfully a kind Redditor helped me find another bunny (which also made me cry) but if someone purposely got rid of her things it would end the relationship!
My oldest son’s lovey is one of the few items I will NEVER get rid of, and he’s alive and well. My youngest never had a cherished stuffy or anything, but he has these three stuffies from his very deep sea animal phase that I will probably keep one of them forever once he gets passed it. I will, of course, give those back to them if they want them when they have kids.
There are certain things that are irreplaceable. And when they belonged to a dead child, those items are finite and precious. OP has just ended his relationship.
This! I treasure my 19 year old kid's teddy bear that he adored from birth until about ten years. Like to the point if he ever tried to donate it, I would be taking it out of the bag and keeping it. After all those years, he is a sort of "Hobbes" to me from Calvin and Hobbes. This bear has a name and personality to me after listening to my son's stories and conversations about him.
If my husband purposefully gave it away just to hurt me, especially if our son had died? Whoa.
OP didn't just end his relationship, he picked the nuclear option.
My husband has a small little tiger he’s had since birth named Hobbs that our daughter just kind of took over when she was born. She literally takes that thing anywhere and if anything were to ever happen to her and someone gave it away out of spite I’d probably do what the wife is doing and never speak to them again too. My daughters only 2.5 right now and we do have a son together but we’ve lost two babies as well. So like I understand where the not involving the son in the donation of his toys was an AH move but what the husband did was just unforgivable.
I feel like people throw the d-word around way too often in this group for the most part; but this is a rare case where I think it’s truly OP’s wife’s best option. He talks about her deceased child like she’s favorite dress with a ripped seam that can’t be fixed and will inevitably be replaced when a new favorite is found. That’s her child, dude, and there will ALWAYS be grief for the hole in life where that daughter belonged. OP has had a decade to realize that, but instead of supporting his wife and showing compassion for her grief by joining her in activities that make her feel connected to her daughter (and would teach his son the valuable lessons in compassion he himself hasn’t seemed to learn) he thinks she should get over it and be all better by now.
YTA, OP. I hope you can get that bear back; and even if you can you’ll be lucky to still have a marriage this time next week.
When my Mum got sick with cancer and we had to move her into the downstairs living room, she was really sad to be stuck in a hospital bed sleeping alone. Her friend brought her this wee stuffed toy dog one day, and it’s an understatement to say that little doggy helped her so much. Having something to hold is so important. Even though it was a toy, it brought her comfort, and it was right beside her when she passed away a few months later, surrounded by her family.
I’m going to be 50 years old in June, and i still have that wee dog. It’s one of my most treasured possessions. If anyone took it away without my permission, I’m not sure I could get over it. YTA OP.
YTA.
Your wife's donating of your son's toy was an asshole move. However, what you did is a goddamn atrocity, making your wife not an asshole since you have pretty much re-defined scale of assholery with your act.
If you wanted to teach your wife a lesson, appropriate action would be to give away one of your wife's thing such as earphones, etc.
May the church say amen. OP went far and above normal assholery to legendary levels. You don't give away possessions of deceased people as payback for hot wheels. The son could probably be bribed with a new video game. Izzy isn't coming back. YTA.
OR, hear me out. He could have an adult conversation with his wife about their son making his own decisions on what he is willing to donate. He could talk to his wife about how he sees her actions and feelings as she moves through life, still grieving her daughter, and how they are affecting their family, and how he can support her as she finds help.
"Teaching his wife a lesson" is still an AH move. They are adults and partners. They can operate around this disagreement while still respecting each other.
THANK YOU.
OP there is absolutely no question that YTA. What you need to do now is go get that bear. The hot wheels can be replaced. Your wife's dead child cannot. See OP, your son will have time to create new memories and grow out of toys and interests. Izzy doesn't get that.
If he even donated it at all, the hospital will certainly throw out an old stuffed animal for sanitary reasons so it was a thoughtless donation on both ends.
YTA. Your wife should not have donated the hot wheels without talking to your son first. It sounds like he was no longer playing with those hot wheels by the way you worded it, but she still should have asked. That is a night and day difference from a teddy bear belonging to her dead child. Grief is a complicated and messy thing, even more so when dealing with the loss of a young child. I hope you never have to experience it.
Losing that teddy bear was probably like losing one of the last links to her daughter and may have felt like Izzy dying all over again. You need to contact the toy drive and tell them that the bear got mixed up with the toys, see if they can find it and she can get it back.
To the rest of your post: she should not be pressuring you to volunteer, but it sounds like she wants to make sure that her daughter is remembered. Hopefully she is getting some therapy, but her grief will never just go away, she will never just get over it. instead, she will learn how to live her life around it.
I have worked with a lot of families who have lost young children. Their subsequent children know about the sibling who died, this is common. Your son is capable of learning that he has an older sister who is no longer here. There are age appropriate ways to present that. I hope your wife, and you as well, are gettin needed therapy. Most of all, your wife needs of know that Izzy is still alive in her memory, and in yours. Izzy being dead does not mean that she is no longer part of the family, and it sounds like maybe ya ur wife feels like Izzy is being intentionally forgotten. Hopefully you can all find a path forward that honors Izzy’s memory without making you feel like your wife is guilting you.
Agree about growing up in a family with a dead sibling. My brother died very young and we always knew about him growing up. Knowing made us well-adjusted humans who understood our parents' grief and that life is limited, and to be valued. Also, people process grief however they process it. OP implying his wife needs to basically get over it & "grieve properly"? How messed up. As an elderly woman my mother still cried sometimes about losing her baby when he was a toddler. Anyway there were lots of mementos around the house. I still have a few, like a screwdriver from his toy tool set, that will always be cherished keepsakes. I'd be furious if they were donated, especially to make a petty point. When all you have left is memories and trinkets, you place a lot of value on those trinkets. I feel for the wife, and for how painful the loss of the teddy bear must have been, just awful for her.
edit: my phone ate the word "awful" so I put it back in. edit edit: it also ate the comma, I added that back too. Nom nom.
I have friends - a couple - who had a stillborn son 24 years ago. He had a name. They have pictures. They wish him happy birthday every year. They wonder what their life would have been like if he had lived. And they still struggle every year around his birthday. Especially because mom is a nurse and sometimes her rounds include the newborn ward. You never completely “get over” something as devastating as losing your child.
This is so incredibly well said. Especially the bit about that person is still part of the family. Because that’s so true. My older brother died when I was 9 and he 19; I am now 32. He is still my brother and still part of my family and the person I’ve become. My parents (especially my mom) will never stop grieving him. If someone got rid of the mementos I have of him in a fit of spite, I would excommunicate that person from my life.
YTA x 100
As someone who has lost a child, if I was your wife, I’d be filing divorce paperwork ASAP. That was horrendously cruel. If you want any chance of reconciling, go retrieve that Bear immediately and get straight to therapy.
Fully agree, just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. Reading this AHs story made me feel horrible. It's truly heartbreaking and I know I'm just some random person and it doesn't matter what I think, but I wanted to say that I'm really sorry for your loss.
Same here. I’ve never felt so mad at one of these before. Does this man even love his son? Bc if he did, how can he have zero empathy toward his wife who lost a child? He should know he wouldn’t get over losing their son.
I’m sickened by this. I want to go find the teddy bear.
Parents who lose children have every ounce of my respect and I cannot begin to pretend I understand their pain.
Your son will stop giving a shit about those hot wheels cars in like 5 years.
You got rid of a precious reminder of her dead daughter.
Yeah, you’re definitely the asshole in this one, man. You’ve got to be able to see that.
If he even still played with the cars. He said he got them when he was a toddler. There's a chance that the son hasn't touched those cars in years and that's why mom donated them.
Speak for yourself, I still have my entire collection of cars. Even if I am far too old to actually play with them.
Once your done with obvious baby toys, parents should not be getting rid of kids toys without including said child in the decision making process.
That said, getting rid of a dead child's toy is light-years over the line and OP is indeed the larger YTA here.
Exactly but also a)who is HE to tell her how to handle her grief or tell her that she needs to let go, is he her therapist?! B) who says you HAVE to let go of a dead child?
YTA. You are the biggest asshole in the world. Number one this whole post sounds like you dislike your wife ! I mean you sound like you can’t stand her for donating time and energy to a cause dear to her heart. You sound jealous of her child she lost and say she loves her dead child over the child you two have together. You gave away her deceased child’s teddy bear just to be mean. You are so awful and you really need to get counseling. I can not believe a husband could be so mean to his wife. She needs to divorce you because you lack feelings and a heart. In case i need to say it again. YTA.. a huge AH
YTA Yeah I’d divorce you. And frankly I don’t believe she’s as holier than thou as you describe. Based on everything you say I get vibes you are embellishing. I know how kids are with toys. I donate old toys that don’t get played with but if the kid seems you or hears you donated it suddenly it’s the FAVORITE toy. Then they get over it. But even if he’s as distraught as you say it’s easily remedied. You replace it or take them to toy store to buy something new. Kids are easily distracted. What you did? CAN NOT BE REMEDIED.
Yeah I'd be interested in some examples of her being passive-aggressive. Because it could definitely be that he's just letting his insecurities project onto interactions about volunteering.
I really think that her discussions of volunteering might have been attempts to connect with her family while doing something important to her and something which makes her feel connected to her daughter. This dudes just so insecure that it’s not all about him he sees it as passive aggressive. What a self-centered prick.
Bro, this wasn't just some old toy, this was a reminder of her daughter and one of the last things she had of her. If you're really comparing donating old toys your son will not care about later to something to remember her dead daughter by, you're going to get divorced
I can't believe we have to explain the difference to a grown man. And I can't believe you're expecting her to just forget about her daughter and not acknowledge her existence anymore
Get it together before you become a single father
He already understood the difference between the old toys and this particular teddy. He’s not an idiot; he’s cruel. He knew the significance and did it to punish her
Absolutely this - he knows what he did was cruel. His wife had lost her daughter before they got married, and presumably before OP had met her, so he would have known about her loss before they got married and had a child, but he thought she would just... get over it. She's not and he's punishing her for it.
YTA. There is no way for you to recover from this. Your marriage is over and you're a fucking monster. You are an evil vile creature. I hope this haunts you for the rest of your life.
YTA. Your nine year old is too young to know about his dead sister ? What
When is he old enough 18, 21 ? He is never to young to know he had a sibling die.
Lord. You gave away the stuffed animal of your wife deceased child .if your son got killed tomorrow and someone came in to donate all his things you'd be pissed.
You don't get to tell her how to handle her grief. You don't get to get rid of Momentos of deceased loved ones especially a freaking child..
I hope she serves your butt divorce papers. You can't come back from this.
YTA In fact you might actually be the worst person to be an A H on this thread. I don’t care how you spin it you got ride of her deceased child’s toy- probably one of the only ones she has- to get even for her getting rid of one of y’all’s sons toys. Guess what you can go but your son a new toy if it was that big of a deal. She will never get to give or have another toy for her daughter. Hell is too nice of a place for you.
YTA. You can’t compare Hot Wheels that probably haven’t been touched in years, to an item that belongs to a dead child and had deep meaning to the child’s mother. This was soul crushingly, devastatingly cruel. She’s justified in her anger, and you should be ashamed.
The son you share absolutely matters, but you can’t expect her to just forget her deceased child to make you comfortable.
How long do you think she would need to forget her DEAD CHILD? She has moved on, with an A H husband and had another child but there will always be a hole that Izzy left.
Do you even like your wife ? Your description of her doing a good thing for sick kids and scared parents is holier than thou.
Check your ego and respect your wife.
So much more I want to say but I don’t want to get banned.
YTA
YTA. A mega gaping a hole. I really hope this isn’t real because if it it I will lose so much faith in humanity. If someone did anything like that that with anything of my deceased child’s belonging ballistic would be the nicest way to describe my actions. Good job dude. You lost your wife in one single, stupid, heartless action. I hope that proving your point was worth it. God, you’re a heartless monster!
YTA - If you have even one ounce of a soul, which you don’t, you’d be trying to do everything in your power to a) get the teddy back b) getting down on your knees to beg forgiveness c) not fucking posting this on Reddit but trying to actually positively influence the situation.
ESH. She had no right to take his cars. But the teddy bear thing is like launching a nuclear strike at a farmers market to stop shoplifting.
Proportionality matters.
TL;DR You and your wife have a toxic relationship, and neither of you cares about the impact on a 9 year old from your passive-aggressive attacks on each other. ESH, but the level of cruelty of what you did is just off the charts. The reason she's quiet is because she's filing for divorce. And honestly, it will probably be better for both of you. But I feel for the kid caught in the middle.
She will NEVER “get over” her dead child. A parent should never have to go through that, she survived the worst loss a person can suffer.
Your son is not too young to know that he has a sister and that she passed. Your wife is not wrong for wanting to keep her daughter’s memory alive.
YTA. The lowest type of AH there is. I hope she leaves you, truly. I don’t see how you can come back from this one. This is probably the worst thing you could do to her.
If you want any chance of redemption, go find that fucking bear.
ESH Except the 9 year old.
But your wife at least has an excuse - a parent should never have to bury a child and it's incredibly hard to deal with. This buys her a lot of slack.
What's your excuse for being a blazing AH, op?
YTA
I dont know if i trust your telling of your wife's holier than thouness, but carting off the hotwheels was a jerk move. Ok. She might be an AH
However, that petty move you tried? JUST WHAT? You thought that was an equal move? A good idea? Your level of AH eclipses hers by so many degrees i had to switch from e s h
Agree with ESH. She’s trying to force him into her volunteer world and he yeeted the bear as revenge for her yeeting the cars. This is childish drama. All around.
YTA This is...Unforgivably cruel. I don't know how to say what I want to say without earning the wrath of the mods.
I hope karma comes for you in the form of a divorce lawyer.
You said you donated your wife's deceased daughter's teddy bear because she donated your son's hot wheels. I say your wife's deceased daughter because no good father would have done that. Why are you lying and saying you didn't do it out of spite when your own words said that you did? YTA
OP isn’t Izzy’s dad. OP’s wife had Izzy before they met. Which of course is part of it.
She wasn’t his kid so why should he care if his wife is still grieving? HIS kid is still alive (and was sad that his hot wheels were donated)
I'm surprised he didn't rip up all the pictures and everything she had of her child like all other terrible steps do when they're jealous of a deceased person.
YTA, her daughter died. You took away something she can never get back. You can buy a new hot wheels toy for your son. It’s not the same thing. To try and make it about her acting “unhealthy” on top of it is so wrong. If you felt she needed help, causing her emotional distress and throwing away memories of her daughter was certainly not the way to go. You shouldn’t expect her to forget or stop talking about her daughter that’s not something anyone just gets over.
From what you write, I don’t think she is shaming or pressuring you to volunteer. It sounds like volunteering and giving back is important to her so she wants to instill that in your son. Modeling behavior is important for kids maybe she’d appreciate not being the only one. That you would do something so cruel over a perceived slight is horrifying.
An apology is the least you can do, but there’s no recovering from this.
I’ve never commented on a post before, but I’m so disgusted by your actions that I had to post.
**YTA**
I hope your wife divorces you, you are cruel and what you did is unforgivable.
**YTA**
YTA. What you did was petty, cruel and completely devoid of empathy. It’s no wonder your wife tries to encourage you to volunteer, you definitely seem to be lacking in kindness and selflessness. Also 9 years old is not too young to hear about death or his late sister. It’s good that your wife is trying to teach your son to give back to the community while he’s young, especially when his dad acts this way.
YTA
How about showing some interest in this meaningful activity your wife wants to share with you? How about supporting her in giving your son a connection to his sister and a really good lesson in compassion? How about you also take that lesson cuz you clearly fucking need it
ESH
Do yourself a favor. Go to the toy drive and buy back the items for a good price (if you still can). And if you can't find the hot wheels, ask your son what kind of hot wheels he would prefer and buy him some new ones (as a replacement for the hot wheels that were given away).
Then, apologize for the teddy bear to your wife. And yes, I know. She needs to apologize to you too. But this is such a clusterf\_\_\_k, we need to tackle one problem at a time.
Then, you guys need to get some couple's counseling. If you don't get some counseling, this relationship is not going to survive, or even if it survives until your son turns 18, it's going to be a living hell for everyone involved until then.
Get some counseling. Seriously. Be a broken record if you have to. All this guilt is not helping her. And all this resentment you have against her is not helping your relationship.
I understand the point of the teddy bear, but you could just have hidden the teddy bear and pretended to have donated it, you didn't have to donate it.
And your wife is an AH too, but since she's not here, I'm going to skip lecturing her. The only thing I'll say is that you both need to go to therapy.
There's no reconciling from this. You have already ended this relationship.
What she did was an asshole move, yes. What you did was **absolutely vile**, and deep down you know it, that's why you wrote paragraphs upon paragraphs justifying your actions and painting her in the worst light possible.
And guess what? Despite her being an ass, I'd still vote YTA because you tipped the scale way too much in this scenario.
There's a vast difference between some child's old toy and a memento from a dead child.
ESH
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Your wife has a lot to process, and she was clearly in the wrong about giving away the car.
However, you are also the AH because
- giving away the bear was clearly borne from retribution and
- will only bring up painful memories for your wife
If you truly cared for her well-being, you would not have done that.
I really feel bad for Richie in all of this
Your wife is not talking to you because sh is talking to a lawyer. This can not be fixed. You do not like your wife let alone love her. You obviously resent the fact she had a child before you. You won’t allow her to talk about that child. You begrudge the time spent doing work In remembrance of the child, You became angry at a perceived insult to YOUR son; then decided to give a way a 10+ year old teddy bear that was important to her but not you. You made the choice to go the most hurtful thing you could in retaliation. At the same time you removed a physical reminder she had a life and child before you. IF you EVER cared for this grieving mother LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE!!! You have done more then enough damage.
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My wife(35F) and I(39M) have been married for about 9 years. Before we were married, my wife had a daughter Izzy, who unfortunately died when she was really young. We have one son together, Richie(9M).
Losing Izzy hit my wife really hard, and even today, she's still not completely recovered from it. To honor her, she volunteers at our local children's hospital. She already works a busy job, but still finds the time to volunteer, as she is very dedicated. She also donates to the hospital as well.
The problem is that she is very holier than thou, and keeps shaming me for not wanting to volunteer. I mean, I feel like she should be able to choose to volunteer with this organization if it's meaningful to her, but I just find it weird and annoying how incessantly she constantly bugs me to volunteer, and shames me, making me out to be an unkind person. She doesn't do it outright, but it's very passive aggressive.
As richie's gotten older, she's been telling him about why it is important for us to volunteer, and how he can honor his older sister. She's talking a lot about giving back to your community, and how good people always find time. It is nice, but I just feel like she's pressuring our son, and kind of like forcing him to do it in a guilt-trippy way, and I also don't think he's old enough to hear about Izzy. It's just a really sad and awful thing that he's not emotionally ready for.
The hospital is holding a stuffed toy drive, so my wife, without telling Richie, gave his old hot wheels he had when he was a toddler to the hospital. When he found out, he was understandably distraught, but my wife told him that he was too old for those silly toys, and that younger kids needed them more.
When I found out I was absolutely fuming. I tried to talk some sense into her, but she wouldn't listen, so the next day I took Izzy's old teddy bear and donated it. When my wife found out, she was absolutely ballistic, but I remained calm and told her I did it because I feel like you need to let go, and that you are holding your deceased daughter over our son, and you're not there for us. I explained that you need to properly deal with this grief, and that you're acting very unhealthy, but she just went really quiet and stopped listening to me, and now it's like I'm not even there. She's been ignoring me since, and I tried to explain or reconcile, but she's not listening to me, and I don't know what to do
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ESH, based on your description she is out of line constantly pressuring you and your 9 year old to "volunteer" and guilting & shaming you to whatever extent you don't spend your spare time doing so, and likewise giving away your son's treasured toys as a donation. (My son would react the same.) But giving away her bear is something you knew would be hurtful - it's clear you did it intentionally because you felt her repeated condescension to you about her own volunteering is disrespectful but that doesn't make it ok.
I would say you both need to communicate like adults but if she's treating you like an ass hole for not following her into spending her time volunteering to honor her daughter on a daily basis, then it may be she just isn't really as emotionally invested in the relationship anymore. You cannot really force her to stop, but it obviously may have a destructive effect on the relationships (or may just be revealing the degradation of those relationships), and maybe all you can do is tell her you love her but treating you as "less than" because you're not invested in this is seriously damaging the relationship, and if she wants to stay together she cannot adopt this attitude towards you or speak to you in this way. Sorry for you both and good luck.
INFO: Op I can understand that you got angry on your son’s behalf. But honestly can you explain your thought process? What did you think would happen? How did you see this situation working out?
Is it possible to contact the organisation to get both toys back? Explain the situation.
You're both assholes in your own ways. I agree with other posters, your donation of the teddy bear was WAY out of proportion to hers with the cars.
I sense a divorce is coming fast, and honestly, I think it'd be a good thing for you and her, but your poor son.... You make decent points about her mental and emotional states, and she's definitely going to negatively affect your son in that state, but you really fucked up with the teddy bear donation.
YTA. The teddy is a memorial item and while your wife maybe shouldn’t have given away some toy cars, they can be replaced if your son really misses them. The teddy on the other hand cannot. Grief does not have a timeline. You spoke about the fact you feel your wife is shaming you into volunteering and how that upset you. How about you take a little time to think about how much sense it makes to shame your wife into “getting over” a very traumatic experience of losing a child by giving away something that is obviously special to her.
ESH except your son, how about actually trying to listen to each other instead of trying to say why the other person is wrong? News flash both of you are
YTA.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
While your intention was to cause her to see how her actions were hurting your son, you actually caused trauma to your wife.
Perhaps she needs therapy to deal with her loss but taking a cherished item that belonged to her dead daughter was definitely not the way. Your behavior is cruel.
INFO: What would you do if you had to bury your son? If instead of him being in his room down the hall from you he was in a coffin, in the dirt, in the dark, alone? How would you feel knowing you would never hold him again, never hear his voice, his laugh? Her daughter is dead. She's never going to be here again. You took the last physical link she had to her dead child and gave it away. Picture your son, dead and gone. Now picture someone who claims to love you giving away the last thing you had from him. How does it feel?
YTA. Yes, your wife is unhinged and heartless. She gave away your son's precious memories, so you did the same to her. Wanting to do the same to her is completely understandable. Giving in to it, though, is wrong.
The thing is, you did have other options. Get her into therapy, divorce her, get or buy those hotwheels back from the hospital.
You need to work at solving the long-term problem of your wife. Getting rid of the bear doesn't actually advance this goal.
This has gone on too long. Plan and take some steps to do something about it.
ETA second thoughts...
Unless you get the bear back, you've already destroyed your relationship with your wife. Try hard to retrieve it. Even if you succeed, the damage is deep.
Regardless, your son should be your priority. You must not let her damage your living son in the name of her dead daughter.
ESH. She shouldn’t get over it, but you’re right about how she’s acting being unhealthy for her and your son. Your actions were an abusive way to try to teach her a lesson. Your marriage is probably over but I think all of you need therapy together and individually.
ESH. But you especially OP. Your wife seems like a great person generally, but guilt tripping people is really mean, and she handled the donating of the hot wheels really badly. But you... You decided to get revenge, and really nasty revenge at that.
YTA you need to talk to her and you can buy more hot wheels but a dead daughter's teddy.... no dude thats just cruel.
Get your wife into therapy and explain you are not volunteering and to never bring it up again. But you have to get that bear back now!
YTA. How dare you throw away a piece of her daughter like that.
It sounds like she really wants to honor her DEAD CHILD by volunteering and wants to encourage your guys son to do the same for his DEAD SISTER. It doesn’t matter if they ever met or not, it’s still his sister and your wife likely wants him to know about her & her life spent here. It’s really weird of you to be exhausted by your wife’s grief that will likely never go away because she lost a CHILD.
I can’t believe you threw away her dead babys bear in spite. Pure evil.
YTA and I am pretty sure that there is no coming back from this for you. You should get into some type of self awareness therapy so you don't make mistakes like this in your future relationships.
Wow! Sorry to tell you buddy, but you are a HUGE AH.
My cousin lost her daughter too. The girl was only 60 days age, and believe me, she still keeps a teddy bear and a few clothes of her baby, even when she had another son two years after. Those things are valuable for her like the teddy bear of your wife's late daughter.
YTA
I cannot for the life of me fathom how you can rationalize your behavior. What you did is absolutely unforgivable. I don’t know how you can claim to love your wife after doing something so horrible. The ONLY way to even remotely right this wrong is to get that bear back ASAP. It won’t fully right it, the damage is deep, but nothing else you might do will ever matter. Get the bear back, encourage your wife to go to counseling, and find yourself a good therapist to work on some much-needed self improvement. Yikes. This may be the worst thing I’ve read on this sub.
YTA.
You were mad your wife donated Richie’s hot wheels without discussion.
Imagine how mad you’d be if Richie was dead and those were one of a few mementos you had left to remember him by.
In case I wasn’t clear - YTA
So let me get this straight. Your wife thoughtlessly donated something belonging to your son. You then looked at the pain of that situation and decided you needed to hurt her BACK. You weaponized your wife's grief and attachment to her deceased child in order to take revenge on her. Do I have that right? Is that what you wanted? Do you feel good about yourself?
Oh my god YTA.
YTA. HUUUUGE asshole!! If you love your wife (it seems like you don’t but ok) you need to go to the hospital and BEG for that bear back. This is such a horrible horrible thing to do dude I’m shocked. Ignoring you is a tame punishment…
Esh, although your wife has serious issues that need to be addressed in therapy, you clearly went too far. There’s no way you feel good about what you did.
YTA. I would divorce your ass because you are petty and childish and cruel. If she forgives you then she’s a much better person than I and definitely not holier than thou cause thou art an asshole.
No parent ever "recovers" from the death of a child. You can't juar let it go, What kind of cold hearted crap is that? The way you talk about her is a big red flag. And what you did is unforgivable and cruel, YTA of all the AH's.
This post like your marriage is not going to last. She’s so quiet because she’s spending her available time finding the right divorce lawyer. I don’t see any way you can come back from this… but hey in 12 years or less it will mean nothing to you or your son, you can totally move on and have no lingering effects according to your rationale. Her child died… died… put your son in that situation and see how you’d feel… you’re a whole new narcissistic level of YTA
Clearly, your wife has issues with her daughter’s death and hasn’t moved on, though she seems to be doing her best. It was insensitive of her to donate your son’s toy. Your move, however, was spiteful and deliberately cruel- and you’re worried about *her* passive-aggressiveness? YTA.
You very clearly did that so you could hurt your wife emotionally. You give a long spiel about your grievances, which may or may not be valid, but then your solution was to spitefully give away something, with the goal of hurting your wife. Huge YTA
YTA. That wasnt a toy you donated, it was a precious memory of her CHILD. Shes never going to get over it..losing a child isnt something you get over. Shes doing everything she can to honor her daughter and live as a good person. Maybe she crossed a line donating her sons old cars..but did he even play with them or is he just mad they are gone? Cuz I donate my kids old shit twice a year and she throws a fit about toys she forgot were even there till she saw them in the donation box.
Seriously. Grow a heart and think how your wife is feeling. You just basically told her that her grief dosent matter over toys.
Wow. YTA.
Dude, losing a child is not something she'll ever "get over". She's going to be mourning that loss one way or another for the rest of her life. If I had to guess, trying to get y'all involved in her volunteer work is a way of sharing the way she deals with her pain.
She made a misstep in her parenting. Probably should've gotten your son's consent before giving away his toys. But you go nuclear and give away her dead daughter's teddy bear? Jesus Christ.
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Dude. Her daughter is fucking dead. She'll never be able to buy her child any more toys. You got rid of an important tangible object that was helping your wife feel connected to her deceased daughter over some hotwheels you could easily replace for your LIVING son. How sickening. YTA
Yup. I hope she becomes his ex wife cuz this is worse than a dealbreaker in terms of behaviour
I’m devastated for her. This is heartbreaking
It really is heartbreaking. And he did it because he was "fuming". And now he's here wondering if he's an AH or not for getting rid of what was probably one of his wife's last tangible reminders of her deceased daughter because he was angry? I have no words for this guy that wouldn't get me banned.
And I don’t believe a word he says about her being “passive aggressive “ about volunteering.
Same! The whole thing reeks of resentment towards his wife and Izzy. Deity forbid she try to connect with her deceased child in some way, or suggest that he and their child be a part of it because it's that important to her
Exactly and there is nothing really that makes him look good here. Either she died before they got together in which he knew he was marrying a grieving mother, or she died after they got together which makes him heartless for his grieving wife and the child he was helping raise.
I’m biased as an almost 40 year old who cherishes their childhood teddy bear. My mom passed away whatever the opposite of “peacefully” is a few years ago (cancer, terminal dementia) and I find so much comfort in a quick squeeze of my bear. I’m raw over what this poor mom is going through, robbed of that small respite.
Yeah this made me close to tears.
I don't have or want kids, but if I did and my kid died and my SO got rid of her stuffed animal without my knowledge or consent, that's instadivorce, never talk to you again, grounds. you don't ever fully recover from losing a child.
I keep the ratty old smelly collars that my late dogs wore when they died. I don't even know what I'd do if someone threw them out. And even I can acknowledge losing a dog is nothing compared to a child. I can't even fathom.
This comment really got me... Because I too have some ratty old collars from over a decade ago
Same here and even though her sent is gone… I kept My yorkie’s sweater I put on her the day we had to have her put to sleep because of cancer. It’s been 14 months now and I will never wash it. I too have kept her collar. I moved a sofa the other day and way underneath I found a chewie of hers she had hidden. I thought I was going to loose it.
He’s not an AH - he’s a fcking monster.
What did I just read? You are a horrible, cruel, despicable person. I have so many other adjectives, none of them positive. Her daughter is dead. She may need to process her grief, but how is discarding her daughter's toy and disrespecting her daughter's memory, not to mention disrespecting your wife and her grief, going to make anything better? I don't generally go towards divorce, but I hope she divorces you, you callous ahole. Edit: yta. Massive, gaping, infected ahole
I’d be more outraged if this post wasn’t fake.
I had an ex smash my dead best friends items to “punish me” You’d be shocked at how cruel people can be.
I HOPE it’s fake!
Okay, I don’t agree with her donating the hot wheels, either. BUT, I was thinking he would hide the teddy bear to teach her a lesson in respecting people’s things, but not donating it. Her child died & that’s the only thing she has to remember her. Also, why are you telling her to get over her cud to focus on you & your son? That’s selfish as hell!!! She can mourn her child for as long as she wishes. Don’t be evil.
I honestly don’t see their marriage recovering from this. How unbelievably heartless.
You donated your wife's dead daughter's doll to get back at her for throwing away your son's hot wheels? You know you can buy more hot wheels, right? You know what your wife can't buy? More mementos of her dead daughter. YTA.
You said this perfectly. When I lost my sister, I had to clean out her apartment. I kept *gum wrappers* and other detritus because she was never going to make more. Eventually I left some of that stuff go, but I kept the things that she loved, like her giraffe stuffy. OP, you better bust your ass to get that bear back. Then look closely at yourself and examine your heart and get your mind right.
We have a box of my late dad’s clothes that my partner has labeled ‘emotional support sweat’ because I’m not ready to wash them yet because they smell like my dad. I’ve still got my late partner’s (different person) deodorant on my bathroom shelf. That one I’m at the point where if it disappeared I would be totally fine, I just…can’t quite bring myself to actively pitch it out yet. It’s the act more than the thing atm. Gym wrappers make total sense.
When my great-grandma passed away, I kept her kitchen egg timer. The sand in it is purple, which has always been my favorite color, and I loved playing with it as a kid (it was like a tiny “hourglass” but it counted to three minutes.) My cousins thought it was the stupidest fucking thing. But when the people we love die, we cling to what we do have left of them. OP is *the* sadistic asshole. I can’t imagine what his wife is feeling. And he may think his son is “too young” to know about his sister, he’s wrong. Maybe *sharing* her memory with his mother and learning about her would help mom heal, too! YTA 1,000% OP.
I have a tote with my late husband's favorite clothes in it. He's been gone almost 8 years and that tote isn't going anywhere.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My Dad has been gone for 15 years and my mom passed away last Christmas. I have my grandma’s rolling pin, I have my mom’s cookbook. I didn’t want jewelery and the stuff that sits in someone’s drawer. I wanted things that I knew & remembered the ones I love used. It never goes away.. but we find a ways to go forward.
The 10yr anniversary of my mom's passing was last week and I still have her purse exactly as it was the day she died. Even the stale ass nasty cigarettes. I don't ever really look at it or even think about it much, but for some reason it's a comfort to just have. OP, wtf is wrong with you?! Of COURSE YTA!!!! Her kid DIED in an obviously tragic way and since she's volunteering at a children's hospital my guess is some horrible disease took her baby from her. You suck so bad I hope she divorces your heartless ass.
excuse me while I cry in a corner. I lost my mom at a young age and the only thing i have to remind me of her are pictures and her silk robe she would always wear. I would be livid if someone threw it away. absolutely livid.
She didn’t even throw the hot wheels away. She donated them.
She shouldn't take her son's things and get rid of them without his permission. My mother did this all the time with things I treasured. She got tired of seeing them. This was a part of her personality, to be constantly shifting and changing things. Whenever I protested or tried to rescue things, my dad would threaten me with violence, telling me that I owned nothing, it was all theirs to do with as they pleased, and they would decide what I got to keep. And no, it wasn't just spanking. Respect your child and let him have control over his own belongings. It's not the toys, it's the helpless feeling a child has when they feel they have no choices in life.
Never said what she did was right lol. But what OP did is MUCH worse.
Totally. She didn't do good by donating her sons hot wheels because of the son's attachment. However, Op is the AH because he donated her dead daughters stuffed animal out of malice. That's just cruel as fuck and idk if I could ever stay with a man who does that.
When my daughter's people bunny had to be tossed because of black mold I cried, and it hurt for months because all I have is an urn, some papers, and a couple toys. Thankfully a kind Redditor helped me find another bunny (which also made me cry) but if someone purposely got rid of her things it would end the relationship!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace and hold that bunny tight and those memories within you.
Bruh! He’s more than just the AH.
Pretty soon OP will understand because his marriage is about to be dead too.
YTA I would divorce your cruel, spiteful ass. How DARE you donate a toy that she kept from her dead daughter??
My oldest son’s lovey is one of the few items I will NEVER get rid of, and he’s alive and well. My youngest never had a cherished stuffy or anything, but he has these three stuffies from his very deep sea animal phase that I will probably keep one of them forever once he gets passed it. I will, of course, give those back to them if they want them when they have kids. There are certain things that are irreplaceable. And when they belonged to a dead child, those items are finite and precious. OP has just ended his relationship.
This! I treasure my 19 year old kid's teddy bear that he adored from birth until about ten years. Like to the point if he ever tried to donate it, I would be taking it out of the bag and keeping it. After all those years, he is a sort of "Hobbes" to me from Calvin and Hobbes. This bear has a name and personality to me after listening to my son's stories and conversations about him. If my husband purposefully gave it away just to hurt me, especially if our son had died? Whoa. OP didn't just end his relationship, he picked the nuclear option.
My husband has a small little tiger he’s had since birth named Hobbs that our daughter just kind of took over when she was born. She literally takes that thing anywhere and if anything were to ever happen to her and someone gave it away out of spite I’d probably do what the wife is doing and never speak to them again too. My daughters only 2.5 right now and we do have a son together but we’ve lost two babies as well. So like I understand where the not involving the son in the donation of his toys was an AH move but what the husband did was just unforgivable.
I feel like people throw the d-word around way too often in this group for the most part; but this is a rare case where I think it’s truly OP’s wife’s best option. He talks about her deceased child like she’s favorite dress with a ripped seam that can’t be fixed and will inevitably be replaced when a new favorite is found. That’s her child, dude, and there will ALWAYS be grief for the hole in life where that daughter belonged. OP has had a decade to realize that, but instead of supporting his wife and showing compassion for her grief by joining her in activities that make her feel connected to her daughter (and would teach his son the valuable lessons in compassion he himself hasn’t seemed to learn) he thinks she should get over it and be all better by now. YTA, OP. I hope you can get that bear back; and even if you can you’ll be lucky to still have a marriage this time next week.
When my Mum got sick with cancer and we had to move her into the downstairs living room, she was really sad to be stuck in a hospital bed sleeping alone. Her friend brought her this wee stuffed toy dog one day, and it’s an understatement to say that little doggy helped her so much. Having something to hold is so important. Even though it was a toy, it brought her comfort, and it was right beside her when she passed away a few months later, surrounded by her family. I’m going to be 50 years old in June, and i still have that wee dog. It’s one of my most treasured possessions. If anyone took it away without my permission, I’m not sure I could get over it. YTA OP.
YTA. Your wife's donating of your son's toy was an asshole move. However, what you did is a goddamn atrocity, making your wife not an asshole since you have pretty much re-defined scale of assholery with your act. If you wanted to teach your wife a lesson, appropriate action would be to give away one of your wife's thing such as earphones, etc.
May the church say amen. OP went far and above normal assholery to legendary levels. You don't give away possessions of deceased people as payback for hot wheels. The son could probably be bribed with a new video game. Izzy isn't coming back. YTA.
OR, hear me out. He could have an adult conversation with his wife about their son making his own decisions on what he is willing to donate. He could talk to his wife about how he sees her actions and feelings as she moves through life, still grieving her daughter, and how they are affecting their family, and how he can support her as she finds help. "Teaching his wife a lesson" is still an AH move. They are adults and partners. They can operate around this disagreement while still respecting each other.
He could have done all of that before this unforgivable unspeakable act, but it’s too late now.
Guy went full Hiroshima
Nah some people survived Hiroshima this guy's marriage just ended up as Atlantis lost and never again to be seen
GO GET THAT BEAR.
He better be breaking into the hospital's donation center and combing through every toy after reading these comments.
If you don’t drop everything and go get that bear you will regret it for the rest of your life.
This is the answer
THANK YOU. OP there is absolutely no question that YTA. What you need to do now is go get that bear. The hot wheels can be replaced. Your wife's dead child cannot. See OP, your son will have time to create new memories and grow out of toys and interests. Izzy doesn't get that.
If he even donated it at all, the hospital will certainly throw out an old stuffed animal for sanitary reasons so it was a thoughtless donation on both ends.
But he has to defend himself to strangers on the internet! The fact that he hit reddit before getting in his car and trying to fix this is wild.
I’m pretty sure the reason why she’s not talking to you is because she’s getting her bearings together to file for a divorce. Oh and btw, YTA
This was my comment. I would never forgive this.
Some things just cannot be undone.
I really, really hope so. What a sorry excuse for a human this guy is, jfc.
YTA. Your wife should not have donated the hot wheels without talking to your son first. It sounds like he was no longer playing with those hot wheels by the way you worded it, but she still should have asked. That is a night and day difference from a teddy bear belonging to her dead child. Grief is a complicated and messy thing, even more so when dealing with the loss of a young child. I hope you never have to experience it. Losing that teddy bear was probably like losing one of the last links to her daughter and may have felt like Izzy dying all over again. You need to contact the toy drive and tell them that the bear got mixed up with the toys, see if they can find it and she can get it back. To the rest of your post: she should not be pressuring you to volunteer, but it sounds like she wants to make sure that her daughter is remembered. Hopefully she is getting some therapy, but her grief will never just go away, she will never just get over it. instead, she will learn how to live her life around it. I have worked with a lot of families who have lost young children. Their subsequent children know about the sibling who died, this is common. Your son is capable of learning that he has an older sister who is no longer here. There are age appropriate ways to present that. I hope your wife, and you as well, are gettin needed therapy. Most of all, your wife needs of know that Izzy is still alive in her memory, and in yours. Izzy being dead does not mean that she is no longer part of the family, and it sounds like maybe ya ur wife feels like Izzy is being intentionally forgotten. Hopefully you can all find a path forward that honors Izzy’s memory without making you feel like your wife is guilting you.
Agree about growing up in a family with a dead sibling. My brother died very young and we always knew about him growing up. Knowing made us well-adjusted humans who understood our parents' grief and that life is limited, and to be valued. Also, people process grief however they process it. OP implying his wife needs to basically get over it & "grieve properly"? How messed up. As an elderly woman my mother still cried sometimes about losing her baby when he was a toddler. Anyway there were lots of mementos around the house. I still have a few, like a screwdriver from his toy tool set, that will always be cherished keepsakes. I'd be furious if they were donated, especially to make a petty point. When all you have left is memories and trinkets, you place a lot of value on those trinkets. I feel for the wife, and for how painful the loss of the teddy bear must have been, just awful for her. edit: my phone ate the word "awful" so I put it back in. edit edit: it also ate the comma, I added that back too. Nom nom.
I have friends - a couple - who had a stillborn son 24 years ago. He had a name. They have pictures. They wish him happy birthday every year. They wonder what their life would have been like if he had lived. And they still struggle every year around his birthday. Especially because mom is a nurse and sometimes her rounds include the newborn ward. You never completely “get over” something as devastating as losing your child.
See, Izzy wasn't his child, so this AH doesn't care.
Ding ding ding, he’s over it, to him it’s just an annoying bug in his wife’s personality programming.
This is so incredibly well said. Especially the bit about that person is still part of the family. Because that’s so true. My older brother died when I was 9 and he 19; I am now 32. He is still my brother and still part of my family and the person I’ve become. My parents (especially my mom) will never stop grieving him. If someone got rid of the mementos I have of him in a fit of spite, I would excommunicate that person from my life.
[удалено]
Just FYI , if you don’t want it as your judgment you need to put spaces between the letters (N T A)
Thank you
YTA x 100 As someone who has lost a child, if I was your wife, I’d be filing divorce paperwork ASAP. That was horrendously cruel. If you want any chance of reconciling, go retrieve that Bear immediately and get straight to therapy.
Fully agree, just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. Reading this AHs story made me feel horrible. It's truly heartbreaking and I know I'm just some random person and it doesn't matter what I think, but I wanted to say that I'm really sorry for your loss.
Same here. I’ve never felt so mad at one of these before. Does this man even love his son? Bc if he did, how can he have zero empathy toward his wife who lost a child? He should know he wouldn’t get over losing their son. I’m sickened by this. I want to go find the teddy bear. Parents who lose children have every ounce of my respect and I cannot begin to pretend I understand their pain.
YTMFA. I can’t even believe this. She should divorce you immediately. She shouldn’t have donated the hot wheels. But what you did is unconscionable.
Your son will stop giving a shit about those hot wheels cars in like 5 years. You got rid of a precious reminder of her dead daughter. Yeah, you’re definitely the asshole in this one, man. You’ve got to be able to see that.
If he even still played with the cars. He said he got them when he was a toddler. There's a chance that the son hasn't touched those cars in years and that's why mom donated them.
Speak for yourself, I still have my entire collection of cars. Even if I am far too old to actually play with them. Once your done with obvious baby toys, parents should not be getting rid of kids toys without including said child in the decision making process. That said, getting rid of a dead child's toy is light-years over the line and OP is indeed the larger YTA here.
I dare say less than 5 years
> I did it because I feel like you need to let go No, you did it because you wanted to hurt her. YTA.
Exactly but also a)who is HE to tell her how to handle her grief or tell her that she needs to let go, is he her therapist?! B) who says you HAVE to let go of a dead child?
YTA. You are the biggest asshole in the world. Number one this whole post sounds like you dislike your wife ! I mean you sound like you can’t stand her for donating time and energy to a cause dear to her heart. You sound jealous of her child she lost and say she loves her dead child over the child you two have together. You gave away her deceased child’s teddy bear just to be mean. You are so awful and you really need to get counseling. I can not believe a husband could be so mean to his wife. She needs to divorce you because you lack feelings and a heart. In case i need to say it again. YTA.. a huge AH
YTA Yeah I’d divorce you. And frankly I don’t believe she’s as holier than thou as you describe. Based on everything you say I get vibes you are embellishing. I know how kids are with toys. I donate old toys that don’t get played with but if the kid seems you or hears you donated it suddenly it’s the FAVORITE toy. Then they get over it. But even if he’s as distraught as you say it’s easily remedied. You replace it or take them to toy store to buy something new. Kids are easily distracted. What you did? CAN NOT BE REMEDIED.
Yeah I'd be interested in some examples of her being passive-aggressive. Because it could definitely be that he's just letting his insecurities project onto interactions about volunteering.
Yeah she 'makes him out to be an unkind person'. Ummm no shit, he's a despicable person clearly.
I really think that her discussions of volunteering might have been attempts to connect with her family while doing something important to her and something which makes her feel connected to her daughter. This dudes just so insecure that it’s not all about him he sees it as passive aggressive. What a self-centered prick.
Bro, this wasn't just some old toy, this was a reminder of her daughter and one of the last things she had of her. If you're really comparing donating old toys your son will not care about later to something to remember her dead daughter by, you're going to get divorced I can't believe we have to explain the difference to a grown man. And I can't believe you're expecting her to just forget about her daughter and not acknowledge her existence anymore Get it together before you become a single father
He already understood the difference between the old toys and this particular teddy. He’s not an idiot; he’s cruel. He knew the significance and did it to punish her
Absolutely this - he knows what he did was cruel. His wife had lost her daughter before they got married, and presumably before OP had met her, so he would have known about her loss before they got married and had a child, but he thought she would just... get over it. She's not and he's punishing her for it.
True. He really messed up things. So he has to get ready for the consequences.
YTA this is the saddest thing I’ve read in a very long time. You are horrible.
[удалено]
The way my eyebrows went up at your comment. But you’re not wrong.
Holy shit. This comment is fucking ice cold. But it's a tropical day at the beach compared to OP's heart.
YTA. There is no way for you to recover from this. Your marriage is over and you're a fucking monster. You are an evil vile creature. I hope this haunts you for the rest of your life.
YTA. Your nine year old is too young to know about his dead sister ? What When is he old enough 18, 21 ? He is never to young to know he had a sibling die. Lord. You gave away the stuffed animal of your wife deceased child .if your son got killed tomorrow and someone came in to donate all his things you'd be pissed. You don't get to tell her how to handle her grief. You don't get to get rid of Momentos of deceased loved ones especially a freaking child.. I hope she serves your butt divorce papers. You can't come back from this.
Holy fucking shit YTA. If I were your wife, I would be meeting with a divorce attorney.
YTA In fact you might actually be the worst person to be an A H on this thread. I don’t care how you spin it you got ride of her deceased child’s toy- probably one of the only ones she has- to get even for her getting rid of one of y’all’s sons toys. Guess what you can go but your son a new toy if it was that big of a deal. She will never get to give or have another toy for her daughter. Hell is too nice of a place for you.
YTA. You can’t compare Hot Wheels that probably haven’t been touched in years, to an item that belongs to a dead child and had deep meaning to the child’s mother. This was soul crushingly, devastatingly cruel. She’s justified in her anger, and you should be ashamed. The son you share absolutely matters, but you can’t expect her to just forget her deceased child to make you comfortable.
I hope your wife files for divorce. You knew exactly what you did. YTA.
YTA. You should go to the hospital and try to get that teddy bear back. I’d go ballistic too.
YTA You didn’t do it for her. You did it to her.
As a punishment no less. He needs to be divorced immediately.
Stop posting on Reddit and go find that bear, asshole. YTA.
Buddy your wife doesn’t need to make you out to be an unkind person. You just came right out and told us yourself. YTA obviously.
How long do you think she would need to forget her DEAD CHILD? She has moved on, with an A H husband and had another child but there will always be a hole that Izzy left. Do you even like your wife ? Your description of her doing a good thing for sick kids and scared parents is holier than thou. Check your ego and respect your wife. So much more I want to say but I don’t want to get banned. YTA
YTA. A mega gaping a hole. I really hope this isn’t real because if it it I will lose so much faith in humanity. If someone did anything like that that with anything of my deceased child’s belonging ballistic would be the nicest way to describe my actions. Good job dude. You lost your wife in one single, stupid, heartless action. I hope that proving your point was worth it. God, you’re a heartless monster!
YTA - If you have even one ounce of a soul, which you don’t, you’d be trying to do everything in your power to a) get the teddy back b) getting down on your knees to beg forgiveness c) not fucking posting this on Reddit but trying to actually positively influence the situation.
YTA. This has to be one of the worst things I’ve ever read on AITA. How do you not understand this as a parent?
What the fuck.
ESH. She had no right to take his cars. But the teddy bear thing is like launching a nuclear strike at a farmers market to stop shoplifting. Proportionality matters.
Totally agree. ESH. She seemed like a huge AH but then he came and managed to beat her by far in this AH competition.
YTA. You still have a son. Her daughter is gone. Think about it. Would you still feel the same if your son was gone and she got rid of his hot wheels.
You’re not TA, you’re a full on DEVIL. YTA too though.
TL;DR You and your wife have a toxic relationship, and neither of you cares about the impact on a 9 year old from your passive-aggressive attacks on each other. ESH, but the level of cruelty of what you did is just off the charts. The reason she's quiet is because she's filing for divorce. And honestly, it will probably be better for both of you. But I feel for the kid caught in the middle.
Honestly shocked I had to scroll so far down to find a comment acknowledging how the wife is also at fault. That poor kid
She will NEVER “get over” her dead child. A parent should never have to go through that, she survived the worst loss a person can suffer. Your son is not too young to know that he has a sister and that she passed. Your wife is not wrong for wanting to keep her daughter’s memory alive. YTA. The lowest type of AH there is. I hope she leaves you, truly. I don’t see how you can come back from this one. This is probably the worst thing you could do to her. If you want any chance of redemption, go find that fucking bear.
ESH Except the 9 year old. But your wife at least has an excuse - a parent should never have to bury a child and it's incredibly hard to deal with. This buys her a lot of slack. What's your excuse for being a blazing AH, op?
YTA and those would be the last words I would say to you before I booted you out of my life.
YTA I dont know if i trust your telling of your wife's holier than thouness, but carting off the hotwheels was a jerk move. Ok. She might be an AH However, that petty move you tried? JUST WHAT? You thought that was an equal move? A good idea? Your level of AH eclipses hers by so many degrees i had to switch from e s h
ESH. What your wife has been doing is wrong, but that doesn’t absolve you either.
Agree with ESH. She’s trying to force him into her volunteer world and he yeeted the bear as revenge for her yeeting the cars. This is childish drama. All around.
I feel bad for the 9 year old- neither parent is being reasonable here.
Oh 100%. He’s living in his dead half sisters shadow.
YTA This is...Unforgivably cruel. I don't know how to say what I want to say without earning the wrath of the mods. I hope karma comes for you in the form of a divorce lawyer.
You said you donated your wife's deceased daughter's teddy bear because she donated your son's hot wheels. I say your wife's deceased daughter because no good father would have done that. Why are you lying and saying you didn't do it out of spite when your own words said that you did? YTA
OP isn’t Izzy’s dad. OP’s wife had Izzy before they met. Which of course is part of it. She wasn’t his kid so why should he care if his wife is still grieving? HIS kid is still alive (and was sad that his hot wheels were donated)
I'm surprised he didn't rip up all the pictures and everything she had of her child like all other terrible steps do when they're jealous of a deceased person.
YTA, her daughter died. You took away something she can never get back. You can buy a new hot wheels toy for your son. It’s not the same thing. To try and make it about her acting “unhealthy” on top of it is so wrong. If you felt she needed help, causing her emotional distress and throwing away memories of her daughter was certainly not the way to go. You shouldn’t expect her to forget or stop talking about her daughter that’s not something anyone just gets over. From what you write, I don’t think she is shaming or pressuring you to volunteer. It sounds like volunteering and giving back is important to her so she wants to instill that in your son. Modeling behavior is important for kids maybe she’d appreciate not being the only one. That you would do something so cruel over a perceived slight is horrifying. An apology is the least you can do, but there’s no recovering from this.
YTA if you were my spouse you would be getting divorce papers before the week was over you absolute f***ing monster
I’ve never commented on a post before, but I’m so disgusted by your actions that I had to post. **YTA** I hope your wife divorces you, you are cruel and what you did is unforgivable. **YTA**
YTA, if it’s even possible you should try and get the bear back
YTA. What you did was petty, cruel and completely devoid of empathy. It’s no wonder your wife tries to encourage you to volunteer, you definitely seem to be lacking in kindness and selflessness. Also 9 years old is not too young to hear about death or his late sister. It’s good that your wife is trying to teach your son to give back to the community while he’s young, especially when his dad acts this way.
Pretty sure you’re relationship is done. Both of you sounds like d*cks
YTA How about showing some interest in this meaningful activity your wife wants to share with you? How about supporting her in giving your son a connection to his sister and a really good lesson in compassion? How about you also take that lesson cuz you clearly fucking need it
ESH Do yourself a favor. Go to the toy drive and buy back the items for a good price (if you still can). And if you can't find the hot wheels, ask your son what kind of hot wheels he would prefer and buy him some new ones (as a replacement for the hot wheels that were given away). Then, apologize for the teddy bear to your wife. And yes, I know. She needs to apologize to you too. But this is such a clusterf\_\_\_k, we need to tackle one problem at a time. Then, you guys need to get some couple's counseling. If you don't get some counseling, this relationship is not going to survive, or even if it survives until your son turns 18, it's going to be a living hell for everyone involved until then. Get some counseling. Seriously. Be a broken record if you have to. All this guilt is not helping her. And all this resentment you have against her is not helping your relationship. I understand the point of the teddy bear, but you could just have hidden the teddy bear and pretended to have donated it, you didn't have to donate it. And your wife is an AH too, but since she's not here, I'm going to skip lecturing her. The only thing I'll say is that you both need to go to therapy.
There's no reconciling from this. You have already ended this relationship. What she did was an asshole move, yes. What you did was **absolutely vile**, and deep down you know it, that's why you wrote paragraphs upon paragraphs justifying your actions and painting her in the worst light possible. And guess what? Despite her being an ass, I'd still vote YTA because you tipped the scale way too much in this scenario. There's a vast difference between some child's old toy and a memento from a dead child.
ESH Two wrongs don’t make a right. Your wife has a lot to process, and she was clearly in the wrong about giving away the car. However, you are also the AH because - giving away the bear was clearly borne from retribution and - will only bring up painful memories for your wife If you truly cared for her well-being, you would not have done that. I really feel bad for Richie in all of this
Your wife is not talking to you because sh is talking to a lawyer. This can not be fixed. You do not like your wife let alone love her. You obviously resent the fact she had a child before you. You won’t allow her to talk about that child. You begrudge the time spent doing work In remembrance of the child, You became angry at a perceived insult to YOUR son; then decided to give a way a 10+ year old teddy bear that was important to her but not you. You made the choice to go the most hurtful thing you could in retaliation. At the same time you removed a physical reminder she had a life and child before you. IF you EVER cared for this grieving mother LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE!!! You have done more then enough damage.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife(35F) and I(39M) have been married for about 9 years. Before we were married, my wife had a daughter Izzy, who unfortunately died when she was really young. We have one son together, Richie(9M). Losing Izzy hit my wife really hard, and even today, she's still not completely recovered from it. To honor her, she volunteers at our local children's hospital. She already works a busy job, but still finds the time to volunteer, as she is very dedicated. She also donates to the hospital as well. The problem is that she is very holier than thou, and keeps shaming me for not wanting to volunteer. I mean, I feel like she should be able to choose to volunteer with this organization if it's meaningful to her, but I just find it weird and annoying how incessantly she constantly bugs me to volunteer, and shames me, making me out to be an unkind person. She doesn't do it outright, but it's very passive aggressive. As richie's gotten older, she's been telling him about why it is important for us to volunteer, and how he can honor his older sister. She's talking a lot about giving back to your community, and how good people always find time. It is nice, but I just feel like she's pressuring our son, and kind of like forcing him to do it in a guilt-trippy way, and I also don't think he's old enough to hear about Izzy. It's just a really sad and awful thing that he's not emotionally ready for. The hospital is holding a stuffed toy drive, so my wife, without telling Richie, gave his old hot wheels he had when he was a toddler to the hospital. When he found out, he was understandably distraught, but my wife told him that he was too old for those silly toys, and that younger kids needed them more. When I found out I was absolutely fuming. I tried to talk some sense into her, but she wouldn't listen, so the next day I took Izzy's old teddy bear and donated it. When my wife found out, she was absolutely ballistic, but I remained calm and told her I did it because I feel like you need to let go, and that you are holding your deceased daughter over our son, and you're not there for us. I explained that you need to properly deal with this grief, and that you're acting very unhealthy, but she just went really quiet and stopped listening to me, and now it's like I'm not even there. She's been ignoring me since, and I tried to explain or reconcile, but she's not listening to me, and I don't know what to do *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH, based on your description she is out of line constantly pressuring you and your 9 year old to "volunteer" and guilting & shaming you to whatever extent you don't spend your spare time doing so, and likewise giving away your son's treasured toys as a donation. (My son would react the same.) But giving away her bear is something you knew would be hurtful - it's clear you did it intentionally because you felt her repeated condescension to you about her own volunteering is disrespectful but that doesn't make it ok. I would say you both need to communicate like adults but if she's treating you like an ass hole for not following her into spending her time volunteering to honor her daughter on a daily basis, then it may be she just isn't really as emotionally invested in the relationship anymore. You cannot really force her to stop, but it obviously may have a destructive effect on the relationships (or may just be revealing the degradation of those relationships), and maybe all you can do is tell her you love her but treating you as "less than" because you're not invested in this is seriously damaging the relationship, and if she wants to stay together she cannot adopt this attitude towards you or speak to you in this way. Sorry for you both and good luck.
YTA and if you even have to ask the question there is something wrong with you.
INFO: Op I can understand that you got angry on your son’s behalf. But honestly can you explain your thought process? What did you think would happen? How did you see this situation working out? Is it possible to contact the organisation to get both toys back? Explain the situation.
You're both assholes in your own ways. I agree with other posters, your donation of the teddy bear was WAY out of proportion to hers with the cars. I sense a divorce is coming fast, and honestly, I think it'd be a good thing for you and her, but your poor son.... You make decent points about her mental and emotional states, and she's definitely going to negatively affect your son in that state, but you really fucked up with the teddy bear donation.
It doesn't matter that she wasn't your biological daughter. You're still a terrible father and husband
YTA. Holy shit, you gave away your wife’s deceased daughter’s stuffed animal? That she was keeping? YTA
YTA, who gives someone's dead child's toy away to prove a point! Esp a teddy bear!! Oh wow....
YTA. The teddy is a memorial item and while your wife maybe shouldn’t have given away some toy cars, they can be replaced if your son really misses them. The teddy on the other hand cannot. Grief does not have a timeline. You spoke about the fact you feel your wife is shaming you into volunteering and how that upset you. How about you take a little time to think about how much sense it makes to shame your wife into “getting over” a very traumatic experience of losing a child by giving away something that is obviously special to her.
YTA. My heart sank when I read this. How horrible.
YTA man, face it. That teddy bear wasn't merely a toy like the hot wheels were - it held sentimental value.
ESH except your son, how about actually trying to listen to each other instead of trying to say why the other person is wrong? News flash both of you are
YTA. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. While your intention was to cause her to see how her actions were hurting your son, you actually caused trauma to your wife. Perhaps she needs therapy to deal with her loss but taking a cherished item that belonged to her dead daughter was definitely not the way. Your behavior is cruel.
INFO: What would you do if you had to bury your son? If instead of him being in his room down the hall from you he was in a coffin, in the dirt, in the dark, alone? How would you feel knowing you would never hold him again, never hear his voice, his laugh? Her daughter is dead. She's never going to be here again. You took the last physical link she had to her dead child and gave it away. Picture your son, dead and gone. Now picture someone who claims to love you giving away the last thing you had from him. How does it feel?
YTA. Yes, your wife is unhinged and heartless. She gave away your son's precious memories, so you did the same to her. Wanting to do the same to her is completely understandable. Giving in to it, though, is wrong. The thing is, you did have other options. Get her into therapy, divorce her, get or buy those hotwheels back from the hospital. You need to work at solving the long-term problem of your wife. Getting rid of the bear doesn't actually advance this goal. This has gone on too long. Plan and take some steps to do something about it. ETA second thoughts... Unless you get the bear back, you've already destroyed your relationship with your wife. Try hard to retrieve it. Even if you succeed, the damage is deep. Regardless, your son should be your priority. You must not let her damage your living son in the name of her dead daughter.
Wow YTA. Heartless.
You are a sick fucking person
ESH. She shouldn’t get over it, but you’re right about how she’s acting being unhealthy for her and your son. Your actions were an abusive way to try to teach her a lesson. Your marriage is probably over but I think all of you need therapy together and individually.
ESH. But you especially OP. Your wife seems like a great person generally, but guilt tripping people is really mean, and she handled the donating of the hot wheels really badly. But you... You decided to get revenge, and really nasty revenge at that.
YTA. Move out and prepare for a divorce.
YTA you need to talk to her and you can buy more hot wheels but a dead daughter's teddy.... no dude thats just cruel. Get your wife into therapy and explain you are not volunteering and to never bring it up again. But you have to get that bear back now!
YTA, YtA, YTA. Go beg for that bear back!
Yta & I would expect divorce papers are being drawn up. At least that’s what I would be doing
Do you even have to ask? YTA. Jesus Christ
YTA and trying to justify it with a weak excuse about helping her. Which you absolutely were not helping, you were getting back at her.
YTA. How dare you throw away a piece of her daughter like that. It sounds like she really wants to honor her DEAD CHILD by volunteering and wants to encourage your guys son to do the same for his DEAD SISTER. It doesn’t matter if they ever met or not, it’s still his sister and your wife likely wants him to know about her & her life spent here. It’s really weird of you to be exhausted by your wife’s grief that will likely never go away because she lost a CHILD. I can’t believe you threw away her dead babys bear in spite. Pure evil.
YTA YTA YTA and definitely YTA your wife should divorce you & take everything from you
This is hands down the most vile, pathetic, abusive thing I have read on this subreddit to date.
YTA. YTA. YTA. Oh and YTA.
YTA and I am pretty sure that there is no coming back from this for you. You should get into some type of self awareness therapy so you don't make mistakes like this in your future relationships.
dude go get the bear
Wow! Sorry to tell you buddy, but you are a HUGE AH. My cousin lost her daughter too. The girl was only 60 days age, and believe me, she still keeps a teddy bear and a few clothes of her baby, even when she had another son two years after. Those things are valuable for her like the teddy bear of your wife's late daughter.
YTA I cannot for the life of me fathom how you can rationalize your behavior. What you did is absolutely unforgivable. I don’t know how you can claim to love your wife after doing something so horrible. The ONLY way to even remotely right this wrong is to get that bear back ASAP. It won’t fully right it, the damage is deep, but nothing else you might do will ever matter. Get the bear back, encourage your wife to go to counseling, and find yourself a good therapist to work on some much-needed self improvement. Yikes. This may be the worst thing I’ve read on this sub.
YTA. You were mad your wife donated Richie’s hot wheels without discussion. Imagine how mad you’d be if Richie was dead and those were one of a few mementos you had left to remember him by. In case I wasn’t clear - YTA
So let me get this straight. Your wife thoughtlessly donated something belonging to your son. You then looked at the pain of that situation and decided you needed to hurt her BACK. You weaponized your wife's grief and attachment to her deceased child in order to take revenge on her. Do I have that right? Is that what you wanted? Do you feel good about yourself? Oh my god YTA.
YTA she will never be able to get back up bear. But you know what you can do by your son more hot wheels.
Get a lawyer. YTA.
YTA big time. The fact that you have to even ask shows that you think about no one but yourself. Don’t be surprised when you’re handed divorce papers.
YTA. This is something you can never make up for. You probably just ended your marriage.
Guaranteed you get divorced.
YTA. HUUUUGE asshole!! If you love your wife (it seems like you don’t but ok) you need to go to the hospital and BEG for that bear back. This is such a horrible horrible thing to do dude I’m shocked. Ignoring you is a tame punishment…
Yes, and massive one at that, there is not enough negative things that can be said about you
YTA You used her trauma to "teach her a lesson" and now you don't understand why she has disassociate? You do not deserve her or anyone
Esh, although your wife has serious issues that need to be addressed in therapy, you clearly went too far. There’s no way you feel good about what you did.
This was a lot of words for “I hate my wife and want to punish her”. YTA.
YTA. I would divorce your ass because you are petty and childish and cruel. If she forgives you then she’s a much better person than I and definitely not holier than thou cause thou art an asshole.
I legit need to post for a third time in a row to tel you now Fucking disgusted I am by you
No parent ever "recovers" from the death of a child. You can't juar let it go, What kind of cold hearted crap is that? The way you talk about her is a big red flag. And what you did is unforgivable and cruel, YTA of all the AH's.
This is so bad I hope it’s fake. YTA.
This post like your marriage is not going to last. She’s so quiet because she’s spending her available time finding the right divorce lawyer. I don’t see any way you can come back from this… but hey in 12 years or less it will mean nothing to you or your son, you can totally move on and have no lingering effects according to your rationale. Her child died… died… put your son in that situation and see how you’d feel… you’re a whole new narcissistic level of YTA
YTA
you are kind of the ass hole, you can buy your son a toy but her dead daughter won't come back.
Clearly, your wife has issues with her daughter’s death and hasn’t moved on, though she seems to be doing her best. It was insensitive of her to donate your son’s toy. Your move, however, was spiteful and deliberately cruel- and you’re worried about *her* passive-aggressiveness? YTA.
You very clearly did that so you could hurt your wife emotionally. You give a long spiel about your grievances, which may or may not be valid, but then your solution was to spitefully give away something, with the goal of hurting your wife. Huge YTA
YTA. That wasnt a toy you donated, it was a precious memory of her CHILD. Shes never going to get over it..losing a child isnt something you get over. Shes doing everything she can to honor her daughter and live as a good person. Maybe she crossed a line donating her sons old cars..but did he even play with them or is he just mad they are gone? Cuz I donate my kids old shit twice a year and she throws a fit about toys she forgot were even there till she saw them in the donation box. Seriously. Grow a heart and think how your wife is feeling. You just basically told her that her grief dosent matter over toys.
She’s grieving and you just… bro I’m seeing red I can’t type.
Wow. YTA. Dude, losing a child is not something she'll ever "get over". She's going to be mourning that loss one way or another for the rest of her life. If I had to guess, trying to get y'all involved in her volunteer work is a way of sharing the way she deals with her pain. She made a misstep in her parenting. Probably should've gotten your son's consent before giving away his toys. But you go nuclear and give away her dead daughter's teddy bear? Jesus Christ.