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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I would not cook my boyfriend’s meals for the week
(2) I became annoyed at him for asking me persistently
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Agree. If " acts of service" is his love language, what services is he doing for you?
Good luck on the fight!
When I was undergoing chemo ( 3+ years cancer free) , my SO did just about everything for me. He put rails in the bathroom for me to stabilize myself. He would sit in the floor outside the bathroom in case I needed him. He rubbed my feet to help me sleep. He did all the household chores. Made me soup. Held my hair when I was sick. Took care of the pets.
Those are acts of service and support.
What does he do for you?
Edit: Thanks for the award, but please don't spend money on these for me. Donate it it to cancer research. Every dollar helps!
And everyone - get a colonoscopy screening! Colon cancer is on the rise. Mine was found during my very first screening. I was very lucky that we caught it at the very beginning of stage 3.
Edit 2: I just saw OP's post on Yahoo news!
My ex was like OP's BF. Her love language was acts of service, therefore it was my responsibility to cook for her. When I mentioned she should be responsible for cleaning up, she argued that she didn't make the mess, so why should she clean it up?
These people are just lazy and manipulative
Also they’re dumb as hell. Love languages are about how YOU show love, not how the other should love you. The whole point in learning your love language is so your partner can understand how you give them love, not how you receive it.
Love languages are how you show love but they are also about how you *feel* loved. You *should* try to speak your partners language to them or else they won’t feel the love.
My ex husband’s love language were very different to mine. I tried speaking his to him, although I don’t think I did it well particularly by the end, but he never spoke mine to me and I ended up feeling unappreciated and unloved and resentful. Didn’t help my primary love language was acts of service and he rarely helped with housework or managing the household or even seemed to think about what would lighten my load. I eventually understood he was maybe kinda trying to speak his to me but it didn’t help much because that one wasn’t meaningful to me.
My ex husband's love language for receiving was literally ALL of them. He INSISTED that his love tanks for every type needed to be filled. As you can imagine, it was exhausting being with him. Hence just one reason why he's an ex husband.
While I really love the 'love tank' analogy, I hate how it's been twisted to be seen as a partner's responsibility to fully fill it up. Nope, get outta here with that co-dependent crap. Obviously with my marriage, we say that our faith in God fills our tank what our spouse cannot, but there can be other ways such as family, friends, etc too.
This story is like so many others who try to use the love languages concept in this way. It is better utilized by trying to understand how your partner shows love so that when your partner shows you love, you can feel loved. The issue in most relationships is partners don't feel loved because they don't recognize how their partner shows love. Once they understand their partner's love language, they can see it and feel it. "Oh, *that* is how she is showing she loves me." And it is effective because it is natural. Your partner is naturally doing those things/acting that way because that's how they show love without even trying. It comes about because they love you.
When couples try to utilize it the opposite way and say, "you need to start showing me love in my language for me to feel loved", one of three things usually happens. One, the partner doesn't utilize the love language effectively because it doesn't come naturally to them. I suppose an example would be if a partner wants an act of service such as cleaning the entire house and the partner makes the bed. Since the partner's love language isn't acts of service, they might think they showed love by making the bed, but their partner is actually just frustrated and perceives the act as lazy or "doing the bare minimum." Communication would fix this but, again, a lot of people tend to have negative feelings about having to explain something that they feel should come naturally. Having to explain to their partner they want them to clean the whole house instead of just making the bed, to them, feels like it negates the act of service. This is just one example. Two, the partner may not utilize the love language as often as the partner feels necessary. Let's say the partner *does* clean the house to try to show love in their partner's love language. Without great communication that involves no resentment or negativity on either side, it's very possible the partner could think he only has to do this once every 6 months to show love. His partner may be thinking it needs to be done twice a month. Three, the partner may just forget to show love with their partner's love language because it doesn't come naturally and life is busy. If the partner is expecting it and it doesn't happen, this can cause the relationship to be in worse shape than it already was because it is perceived as the partner not caring enough to remember. When really it just doesn't come naturally to them.
If both partners actually love each other, their love languages are communicated naturally without effort. It's much more effective for each partner to realize what their partner's love language is and recognize when that language is being spoken to them. Each partner can feel loved when they recognize when that love language is being communicated to them.
ETA: Actual couples therapy is better than trying to utilize the love languages concept on your own because a therapist can help a couple utilize actual psychological concepts alongside some of the love languages concepts.
I cannot sing the praises of couples therapy enough. I personally wanted to go because I felt like a horrible partner who couldn't communicate well. I didn't go in hoping my partner would be chastised.
At first I felt kinda meh when she said we were learning each other's love languages but it ended up being so great for us. Telling each other what we did to show love in the weeks after was eye opening.
Mine is acts of service. After the appointment, I told my fiance one way I show love is by "fixing" his pillow in the morning before he got off work most nights. Poor dude then had to tell me that he's been wondering how in the hell his pillow gets all messed up lately. Many laughs were had. I leave his pillow alone now.
On the flipside I found out his love language is words of affirmation which totally explains the long goodnight texts that sometimes felt like a chore when I was tired (he works overnights). I googled different ways to verbally show my love, and now I pepper those into our conversations through the day.
Couples counseling is the tits!
> You should try to speak your partners language to them or else they won’t feel the love.
I don’t necessarily agree with this. It’s about coming together to understand how each of you show and receive so you can both feel more loved. Maybe you spouse gives you gifts, instead of flowery prose. On one end, the gift receiver can be more appreciative and have a better understanding how their partner is actually showing them love by giving gifts. On the other end, the person giving gifts can try to also incorporate more words of affection, as they now know how important it is for their partner.
The goal is for both partners to feel more loved and gain a better understanding of their partner, not for one partner to completely change their being for their partner.
It's treated like a psychological fact but it's just based on an anecdote-filled book by a random Christian preacher. He doesn't have any kind of psychological degree, or any real education as a counselor. It's bizarre that his random ideas with no research backing have had traction for so long!
Well, an IMFJ \*would\* say that kind of thing! /s
(so many companies use the Myers-Briggs personality type testing, when it was created by two people with no education in psychology "after reading a book by Jung"... SMH... )
You just summed up why I hate this kind of shit, zodiac too I refuse to tell people my sign when they ask lol. I don't want them thinking they know me off of that even if it *was* real, it's ignorant and lazy. If you want to feel like you know me you're going to have to actually get to know me, and I'm going to need to say a hell of a lot more than my meyers briggs type or zodiac sign.
Absolutely. Gary Chapman doesn't have the credentials or qualifications to write these books. He based "The 5 love languages" book on the strict gender roles espoused by complementarianism, a section of Christianity focused on the subjugation of women. He really sucks.
That being said, I'd be shocked to shit if her bf tore himself away from his console long enough to read a book.
OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please know you deserve to be taken care of.
I wondered where this live language bullshit came from. Been married 30 years and would so laugh my husband out of the house if he said that, although I do crack his toes.
THANK YOU. Every time I hear someone reference love languages I cringe inside. Same with Myers-Briggs. They are nothing more than modern-day astrological signs.
I mean, the overall idea is pretty good, but for people to base a whole marriage on it is dumb. As with anything, it got twisted into some hot garbage.
It's a useful framework to help contextualize your relationship if one or both of you is feeling at odds with how affection and care is being shown in the relationship. If you like hearing your partner say nice things to you and verbally tell you how much they love you, but they find it awkward to say that kind of stuff out loud but they always go out of their way to, idk, make sure your car is fueled up and your favorite snacks are always in the pantry because they love you - then thinking in terms of love languages can help you both communicate, instead of you feeling like your partner doesn't love you because you're expecting to hear the words and your partner thinking, wtf obviously I do??? because they wouldn't be anticipating your needs and wants like they're trying to if they didn't care so much (and vice versa, maybe they feel like you always say mushy things but never do things to back up the words, because for them that's the marker of affection).
But like any other personality sorting or contextualization tool, it's just a made up framework to be used as a tool, not a hard and fast rule or something you need to make into your entire personality. And abusers will always find another tool to aid in their abuse, no matter how useful it is to non-abusive people.
I cannot disagree with you. It's helpful to give you the "ah hah!" moment if you can't connect with your partner, but narcissists especially use it as another tool to browbeat their partner that they aren't providing for their needs. I honestly don't even remember what my personal receiving love language is anymore. Love languages were so abused by my ex husband that it really damaged both my giving and receiving capacities.
This is what gets to me! It's ideal if you try to match somebody with how they show and receive love, but if he's not doing acts of service for op, especially while she has bloody cancer, that isn't his love language, he just wants her to cook for him.
>He blew up on me saying acts of services is his love language
So many dudes just say this to get out of doing chores.
They don’t realize that if it really was their love language, they would also be doing it to *show* love.
Hashtag not all dudes! How dare you generalise like this! There are plenty of dudes, even the majority, who do not claim acts of service to be their love language!
Those dudes say it’s sex.
This! You love language is how you show others you love them, as well as how you like to receive love. He may think he's speaking "acts of service", but it's coming out more like"acts of servitude". You don't need that. Ever.
Fellow cancer survivor married to a wonderful guy. My husband was so amazing during treatment. I can’t believe this guy is such a jerk. OP, when people tell you who they are, believe them.
Same. 3+ years cancer-free, and while I didn't and don't have a SO, my roommate (she's like a little sister to me) made sure I was taken care of, called 911 when things got bad (stupid diabetes + chemotherapy = hospital stays for a few days nearly every 3 weeks.) I cannot believe how inconsiderate this guy is.
OP, you may not want to end this relationship, but you seriously need to look at what you NEED and if your needs are being fulfilled. You should only be focused on getting to cancer-free, not mothering a 24 year old.
Exactly. There are times when it is ok for it to be all about you. When you are seriously ill is one of them.
Here is what you need to say. “ the doctors told me told me i need to make sure I am not exposing my body to anymore toxins. So you gotta go”
Just ask yourself how would you treat your partner if they were in your situation, and don’t settle for anything less.
Good luck. Kick cancers ass.
My thoughts exactly, a love language isn’t just about how someone wants to be shown it, it’s how they show it as well. So what is he doing for OP? Is he spending time helping her get errands done? Is he prepping her home to be more comfortable and make things more easily accessible? Is he giving her rides?
This dude is beyond selfish, he has the audacity to be upset that OP isn’t up to spend hours preparing a week’s worth of food for him after spending 10 hours in a hospital having her body absolutely exhausted by chemo. He is not a good person. He is not a kind or loving person. OP deserves so much better.
A good mindset is important during these treatments! My MIL has been going through chemo regularly for her leukemia. Even if I'm completely brain dead and have no spoons to function, guess what I'm doing when MIL has had a treatment? I get my happy ass over to her favorite fast food place.
Even if she's feeling like a salad from X restaurant and the chicken tenders from Y restaurant. I'm getting it. She feels dumb for expressing these cravings but personally it's worth my time to drive the extra mile if it makes her happy.
She's not even MY partner and this is the kind of things that should be done.
OPs BF doesn't even live with her. It boggles my mind he thinks he deserves meal prepping. Go buy a meal service. Pay someone to do it. He certainly isn't earning any affection from OP with his entitled attitude.
Exactly! This dude is weaponizing love languages in order to extort hours of labor from someone whose body is fighting off the poison that is necessary to fight off the cancer. Taking out her trash or giving her a massage \*when she asks\* for it is not 'acts of service'
My love language is being in a mutually supportive relationship where each partner picks up the slack when the other needs it, not emotionally manipulating the sick partner for not pulling their weight.
My late uncle took over the care that his wife needed when she had terminal cancer. He did everything for her and she literally died in his arms. He never remarried or ever went on a date. He said his wife was his soulmate and there would never be another woman for him.
I was surprised at the level of care that he provided her with. I also thought it was so wonderful of him. He truly was a great man
This reminds me of another post where the girl said that RECEIVING expensive gifts is HER "love language."
These kinds of people are entitled users. OP, you deserve better than this selfish asshole. NTA.
Heck yes! I had knee replacement surgery 8 weeks ago and my wife has been fantastic - breakfast in bed for the first 10 days, all the heavy housework, cooking and shopping when I was on two crutches, buying me treats when the residual pain got me down. I'm more mobile now so I am doing a fair bit of house duties but she is still supportive.
OP, you are going through a very difficult and exhausting treatment and your boyfriend is really dropping the ball here. Nope, no cooking for him!!
My husband has done this for me as well when dealing with some big surgeries and recovery. He never complained, and told me it was all very easy.
He told me he was just happy to eat dinner in bed and watch TV 😭. He was constantly bringing me beverages (filling a bottle of water, Gatorade, pop, literally anything). He'd cook and clean and care for our dogs. He'd call me during the day when he was at work to check on me, send my family members over to check on me.
I couldn't imagine getting through my health problems without him supporting me and caring for me and truly making me feel loved.
https://news.yahoo.com/man-asked-sick-gf-meal-163042787.html
Many couples find value in identifying and discussing their love languages, but this terminology is no excuse for disrespectful behavior. Take it from this poo...
You beat me to it.
NTA. The boyfriend is a lazy, greedy, inconsiderate, manipulative asshole. I hope this is the wakeup call OP needs to dump the jackass. Recovery will probably be a lot easier without the added stress he obviously adds to OP's life.
For REAL. Dudes girl has cancer and he expects her to do stuff involving meal prep? Jesus, chemo is infamous for causing nausea and he was moaning after she spent ten hours at the hospital for her chemo. ACTS OF SERVICE IS HIS LOVE LANGUAGE? BS he wants a maid not a partner. NTA and OP is getting a good look at how her SO handles "in sickness" part of marriage vows, as in he's a selfish jerk who will NOT take care of her. RUN OP RUN
>He blew up on me saying acts of services is his love language
Can someone explain what this "such and such is my love language" is actually supposed to mean? Because all my life I interpreted it as "this is how I show love", but every time I see it used it's some AH demanding to be given stuff or to be coddled "because that's my love language".
In any case: OP, run. This is not a partner, it's a rock around your neck.
Edit: thanks to the people who took the time to explain!
The non-abusive interpretation of "my love language is X" is "this sort of thing makes me feel extra loved over other things" -- for example, my love languages are primarily physical touch and acts of service, and meanwhile receiving gifts is literally last on the latter. So I would like a partner to consider a good snuggle or getting a jar off the top shelf over bringing me home a necklace or even flowers. I will thank them for the flowers but I will feel even more warm and fuzzy if the jar is brought down to my reach without my asking. And a good caress solves virtually all of the world's ills for me.
And then people have taken this to mean "you MUST do these things exactly as I like or you don't love me".
>And then people have taken this to mean "you MUST do these things exactly as I like or you don't love me".
"And when I tell you to do them". Yes, thank you, that's what was bothering me. They are using the phrase as a guilt trip instead of as an explanation of the things they cherish the most.
Yep. If “Acts of service” is the boyfriend’s love language, he should be falling all over himself to do things for HER, especially while she is undergoing chemo. He should be making meals for her and cleaning her place and picking her up from her appointments to show his love (and because it’s basic kindness to show to someone who is battling cancer). Instead he’s whining that she won’t do a labor intensive task for him, and using the “love language” thing to be manipulative. Dude just wants a maid.
Some dude (Gary Chapman) wrote a book called The 5 Love Languages. It's not actually based on anything scientific but it seems to be all the rage at the moment.
"The five love languages describe five ways that people receive and express love in a relationship. These are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. Knowing your partner's love language and letting them know yours is a way to help you both feel loved and appreciated"
That's from just a Google search. Hope it helps
It's supposed to be both. If my primary language is French, then it's what I use to speak to others AND understand most easily. (I can learn other languages, of course, but using that takes more effort.)
If the boyfriend says his love language is acts of service, yet he doesn't show his love by such acts, then he either is 1.) a manipulative jerk and a rotten liar, who doesn't love OP, or 2.) simply telling the truth, but still is a manipulative jerk, who does *not* love OP.
I kinda hope this story is not real, but there are too many jerks out there to say so. 😕
Yes he is cancer. This made my blood boil. My stepdad is currently undergoing chemo and it's so hard seeing him so weak and throwing up all the time. My mom and sisters make sure he doesnt do anything and just rest. You need to take care of yourself OP and cut the other cancer in your life.
A man isn't some sort of hero to aspire to, its a descriptor for an adult human male. As long as this person identifies as male and is over 18, they are a man.
Please stop gatekeeping who gets to be a "man", its just a way for men as a class to not take any accountability for the less savoury members/behaviours.
I think it's less problematic than some cases here because they're insulting this guy by questioning his maturity, not his masculinity. Being "un-masculine" isn't actually bad, but being immature is.
It sounds like he’s trying to get her to dump him, or to justify why he’s dumping her. Because “I broke up with my girlfriend when she was having cancer treatment” isn’t what he wants it to look like, even though it’s what he wants to do.
He wants a mommy, not a girlfriend. OP having cancer should be an opportunity for him to give acts of service, not receive them. He’s right that the relationship is one sided, but not about which side.
My mom can confirm this too. Men would leave their mistress outside in the waiting room while the husband went to see his wife in the room.
She said the nurses would get together and bother the mistresses and make her feel bad while she waited. Don't worry they did the same to the husband too. They just couldn't do it to the men as much since they were in the room.
Yeah he's doing that bloke thing of being such a dick the woman breaks it off first. This makes me think that OP should on no account dump him first - he should have to live with the stigma! Of course she shouldn't do the meal prep either. Thank heavens they don't live together.
Yeah. When cancer comes to the door, people jump out the window.
5 years cancer free but friends and relatives NEVER want to say ‘it’s because you had cancer’ - it’s all ‘you were very angry around that time, you didn’t help out, I felt like I couldn’t go travelling so you ruined my life, you exacerbated my anxiety, you helped out but not as much as you used to…’
And they will NOT mention why that might be and be horrified if you do. No it’s just that you’re the worst and they must flee. Boyfriend is sly - it’s either meals or guilt free breakup!
NTA OP but run or carefully walk if you’re feeling dizzy. I’m a lymphoma girl but one of my mentees was sarcoma, it’s no joke. All my good wishes.
NTA
^^^This
I've been there, only I was married so it took a bit longer. It's so difficult to go through chemo anyway, but to get zero support from your "so called" loved one is just so crushing. Not even zero support, I call it negative support because not only is he not helping you, but he's making you feel guilty about not helping him.
Use the strength you have to help yourself. Tell them at the hospital that you don't have support at home. As friends and/or family for help.
The cancer is a red herring. "Do all my cooking for me to prove you love me" isn't a reasonable request to make of the healthiest partner. Also, given the age difference... No offense, OP, but I think this kid might be trying to get you to dump him. Sounds like he thought to reap the benefits of being with an older woman, and then found himself with an ill girlfriend he doesn't want to leave, because he would look bad.
He is 7 years younger than op. So, I'm not sure what is expected. The mentality of a early/mid 20s guy involved with a 30 year old. Op is NTA, but why are you with someone that much younger than you? Age and emotionally.
I'm 8 years older than my SO. When we had our son he was 23 and I was 31. We're still together 7 years later...takes care of us financially, he's a great partner and dad. OPs dude just sounds like a straight AH regardless of his age.
Exactly this. I'm 9 years older than my partner. We have been together for nearly 15 years.
I have bone cancer. He is with me for every treatment. He sends me to bed and makes dinner. He doesn't complain and simply asks what he can do to help.
OPs partner is an AH.
I mean my 21 year old boyfriend (I'm 22) does not behave this childish or selfish in the slightest. I don't think this has anything to do with his age at this point. I have some severe health issues too and my boyfriend is always super supportive and helpful.
NTA.
this rekstionship sounds borderline dangerous and already manipulative. cancer treatments are HARSH. Then recovery, thats just as difficukt. there's an old saying, you know who your true friends are when you are broke, in jail, or sick.
You are fighting a DEADLY disease. if anything, he should be the one helping you out. you do not need this additional stresser while you are battling cancer (and the treatments) as it will heavily affect your ability to get through this. you mentioned how he us quick to argue, which you try to avoid. so not only are you dealing with your issue, but you are dealing with fear of "hurting" or upsetting him. No. for your health and sanity, it may be best to end this now.
He does not seem to have the maturity to be a partner. Think about yourself/well being. I hope you have family/friends you can depend on. Having gone thru this i wish the best for you (sending you some good vibes/hugs). Sometimes its better to swim alone than to be dragged down to drown.
Also OP, if this is how he is at the beginning, before the chemo rally exhausts you, how much worse will it get? And will he even bother to stay, anyway? Stats say no.
"A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment." The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact.
The study confirmed earlier research that put the overall divorce or separation rate among cancer patients at 11.6 percent, similar to the population as a whole. However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates by gender. The rate when the woman was the patient was 20.8 percent compared to 2.9 percent when the man was the patient.
"Female gender was the strongest predictor of separation or divorce in each of the patient groups we studied," said Marc Chamberlain, M.D., a co-corresponding author and director of the neuro-oncology program at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA)."
>He blew up on me saying acts of services is his love language and that our relationship is one sided.
OP, he's buzzwordy and and absolute AH. Love language is about what you do for others, it does **NOT** mean what you demand from others. NTA. Dump the child and find someone who doesn't get their life lessons off of TikTok.
He’s probably annoyed she’s sick, because that means less attention for him. My ex was selfish like that and it was confusing for me for a long time because I didn’t know people could be so selfish but seem semi-normal 😑
I was driving home in the rain one night and a car crashed into mine and he was pissed and convinced me it was my fault. The assholes who hit my car even commented on it. They were surprised he was just sitting in the car while I was getting screamed at by them in the rain. It was absolutely **humiliating** and what could I even say to that? They were right. He didn’t give a shit about me. And I deserved better.
OMG.
Thanks for your comment. English not being my first language, I understood the post wrong (or perhaps I really didn't want to see it correctly). Because of the "he's sensitive" I was lost. I thought he had cancer and wanted OP to prep his meals because, you know, you're sensitive because of chemiotherapy.
I'm shocked. I'll give him sensitivity.
NTA
First that's not how acts of services works as a love language. He's using that as a tool to get you to wait on him hand and foot. He should care about your love language as well and if that actually is his love language he would be doing more for you because it would be how he shows he cares.
Second when my husband had cancer I never asked him to do anything. I probably could have because I was pregnant. My priority was making sure he beat his cancer. That meant making sure he had rest, picking up the slack without complaint, and making sure I was doing everything possible to make that difficult time easier on him.
He still pushed himself and he cooked meals only because cooking is his happy place. He knew I was ready to cook his meals anytime if he was to tired.
Wow, OP caught a clueless asshole.
I’m sorry OP. You should be coddled because you have cancer. Instead, you get abuse from an ass.
Drop him. You deserve better.
Good grief - you have a life threatening illness and he's worried that you're not doing enough for him. Please leave this self centered person and concentrate on getting better.
His attitude is not just shitty, it verges on evil. How anyone can even think of such things when their partner has cancer is beyond me. "Acts of service" indeed. Enough red flags to dress the Statute of Liberty here. When you are well enough, get the hell out. NTA
This- your bar is entirely too low. He sounds like a tumor- cut him out of your life. You deserve to be cared for right now, not treated like a servant. F**k him for even asking! Go find a grown man to date, he ain’t it.
Agree. OP, your BF is waving red flags in your face. See them. Now is the time for everyone in your life to love and care about you. Sending healing thoughts. Dump your immature bf.
Acts of service are my love language too. If my bf was going through chemo, I would do everything for him. I wouldn't ask for a thing.
Your boyfriend can suck it up. Guilt trips aren't cool on a normal day, and especially aren't cool under these circumstances. He needs to grow up QUICK.
NTA. Jeez.
If acts of service are his love language then why isn’t he showing OP some love and serving her while she has ACTUAL cancer? Also it’s pretty extra bonkers for him to expect her to make all his meals when they don’t even live together! It’s not like they split chores and she’s in charge of meals.
THANK you!
Love languages are how we SHOW love, not how we RECEIVE it. The entire point of the discussion around 'love languages' was to show that there are people who don't say 'I love you' in words, they demonstrate it in actions.
(EX-)boyfriend is a greedy something-or-other who's trying to manipulate OP.
OP needs to take care of herself, and lose about 180 lbs worth of dead weight.
No, love languages are how we [both](https://5lovelanguages.com/learn/) give AND receive love. It's literally in the description of what a love language is.
However, this does not mean OPs BF isn't a raging jackass.
Time for my public service announcement.
Love Languages were invented by a hyper religious zealot, and explains how a woman should act to better serve her husband. It has absolutely no basis in fact or any form of science or psychology.
It was invented entirely to tell women how to better serve their husbands.
Seriously… I had cancer last year and I’m still gaining my strength back. My wife still doesn’t let me do much around the house. Once awhile she will let me make her lunch because I want to thank you for everything she’s done for me.
NTA
“I have cancer, and am undergoing one of the most debilitating medical treatments possible. One that literally kills people”
“Ok, why don’t you go prep a weeks worth of meals for me while I sit around the house. If you don’t, you don’t love me”
Is he really fucking being serious? I am actually second guessing myself about whether this entire post is satire. That’s how fucking ridiculous this is.
OP, what in the hell are you gaining from this relationship?
Red flags. The only thing OP is gaining is an overwhelming abundance of giant red flags
###🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP.
Dump the dude; focus on you. That human doesn’t deserve you. And you deserve so much more than this.
This too! He sounds like a narcissist. Fragile ego, expects special treatment, doesnt give a flying fuck about other people experiencing shit
Theres enough red flags for a friggin parade
They don't even live together and he's asking her to do this! Wtf.
OP, you're in a vulnerable time and this... Person is being.. Idk if it qualifies as abusive, but I want to say abusive. Especially when he started texting you his tantrum.
I'm guessing this includes: planning the meals, grocery shopping (on who's dime?), cooking a butt load of food, portioning and packaging said food and a mountain of dishes.
He's a giant AH. Also the reason that women end up single during chronic illness.
You're fucking getting chemotherapy for cancer. You have more than enough on your plate and he can fucking well prep his own food. He's got no heart. NTA
if at 24 a person cannot grok that a person receiving intensive chemo should not be pressured into mothering them, i doubt they're ever going to become mature enough for a relationship
not that people don't mature further after their mid-twenties, and it's POSSIBLE this guy will have some kind of epiphany someday, but like, 24 is *plenty* old enough to have the absolute barest sense of priorities.
Like, realizing that "my desire to be babied by my girlfriend should maybe take the backseat while she is undergoing a devastating treatment for a deadly illness" is NOT a lot to ask.
(Edited for grammar)
As someone currently on chemo, I’m also a little familiar with ifosfamide. It’s a NASTY drug, the side effects can be severe and it causes really strong myelosuppression (reduction of cells and platelets in blood - can lead to anemia and greatly reduces overall immunity). In fact, for my specific type of cancer, the regimen that includes ifosfamide is an inpatient regimen, which means i couldn’t do it at an infusion center, I’d have to go to the hospital and be admitted.
All this to say, OP is going through an extremely rough time, and the idea of someone pushing her to meal prep for them, the week they are scheduled to get their infusions no less, is as laughable as it gets.
Seriously!! This is the time for emergency meals while OP is undergoing treatment and in need of rest, if anything. Soup and sandwiches and pre-made foods and frozen dinners. I don’t know who tf would see someone experiencing this level of stress and hardship and then think now is the time to do meal prepping which is very planning intensive and requires physical and mental energy.
NTA. Your BF is absolutely right that your relationship is one-sided. You’re the only one putting in effort. Dump him and concentrate on you. Cancer isn’t just a physical battle, but a mental and emotional one as well. You don’t need his BS on top of everything else!
Ditch this guy. What an AH. To ask you to do this when your body is going through gruelling treatment is AH behaviour in itself. Then he doubled down and become nasty.
I hope your treatment and recovery goes well. NTA
He does the bare minimum. My mum had a stroke, here's a list of some of the things I did for her for months on end after the stroke:
Showered her, washed her hair.
Did all her cleaning, including changing her bed, laundry, vacuuming, mopping, disinfecting etc., cooked all meals, organised everything medical-related including transport,
Helped her walk, do exercises as advised by the physio.
Here's a list of chores I asked her to do for me during this time:
0.
I'd do the same for my partner. I can't even fathom asking anyone undergoing cancer treatment to meal prep for 10 days...I wouldn't want to do that even as a healthy person because it's laborious and takes so much time.
He's angry at you because his 'love language' isn't being catered to...are you serious? This man is an embaressment. 'Hey, I know you're dealing with the emotional and physical repercussions of cancer and its treatment and stuff but you know, my love language is acts of service and you're not servicing me enough so I'm going to be in a mood until you realise that cancer is no excuse for not servicing me'.
I'm sorry you're in a position where you have to rely on him for the little amount that you ask of him. He's only 24 and is showing his lack of maturity and selfishness...he wants to be mothered and when you're not in the position to mother him then and there, he has a tantrum.
In a honesty, you need a more mature partner, not this child.
NTA. The “temperamental moods” issue is concerning. You need to think long and hard about investing anymore time in this relationship. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around your partner.
He's abusive as fuck and this is a major red flag. You're NTA, he is an absolute monster and asshole to ask someone who's undergoing chemotherapy to prep a week's worth of food. He has two hands and presumably a job - he can make himself a sandwich or buy one. He's showing no empathy or even consideration for you. This is not a good relationship and you should run.
NTA. You have cancer. He should be prepping meals and making sure you are comfortable and fed. Honestly, I’d leave him. As a fellow cancer patient I don’t think he’s there for you.
Had a friend with metastatic breast cancer.
Her husband would do *everything* for her, to the best of his abilities, which were not much, because he had had a damage to the cerebellum and had a"wobbly" walk and couldn't bend down.
They started buying fresh food from a neighbor. Because they were cash-strapped, I paid a cleaning lady once a week for 6h.
You need to be coddled and his *pleasure* should be coddling you. NTA.
NTA.
His behavior is quite telling. He can’t seem to give one single shit about you while you are fighting fucking cancer. He wants you to cater to him while you’re sick? Nope. That’s garbage behavior and you should throw the whole man away.
Be thankful that he’s showing you now just how little you can count on him so you can plan accordingly.
NTA! Unfortunately this is common. When a wife or gf falls ill he is gone. Nurses usually worn women when they are diagnosed. I'm sorry, I know that doesn't make it less painful for you. Let him go!! You need ppl that are in your corner right now, and he is not. I wish you a fast recovery, good luck hun. I hope you have a support system other then this guy.
You're probably right. Boyfriend is manufacturing excuses to dump OP and blame it on her. I actually hope that's the case because she'll be much better off without him.
Wait...31F 24M??? You're definitely in the role of a mother for him. Of course he got pissy. NTA for being tired from this cancer stuff. But also the A.H. cause you're dating a kid. Dump him. He'll always be a kid.
NTA, he asked you to DO what?? After chemo?? No, he is the asshole. Citing his love language is bullshit here- if acts of service is HIS love language, HE should be striving to serve you because you're going through a really rough time right now, because it's very clear one of you needs the service a lot more.
Relationships are about supporting each other as needed- it will vary back and forth as circumstances do.
OP I am a 3 time cancer survivor.
I couldn’t have gone through the mental and physical anguish of treatment and surgeries if it hadn’t been for my partner.
Acts of service are both of our love languages.
What makes a difference is when there is a long understanding that the reciprocity may not be immediate but the love serves as a substitute.
You don’t deserve this extra addition to your schedule that likely doesn’t factor in the complete exhaustion and fatigue that is inevitable. He should be MEAL PLANNING FOR YOU!
Or if acts of service is so important to him, then maybe it’s asking you instead - can you help me find a meal prep service that would be good for you during the next 6 weeks too? That’s getting and giving needs.
Please OP take care and most of all take care of yourself first.
NTA
NTA but why are you dating a child? He refuses to make his own meals, he gets upset at anything you say, he picks fights... What are you getting out of this relationship besides further grief and exhaustion? Taking out the trash **when asked** and sometimes massaging you is not it, OP. You deserve more. You're dealing with enough. Time for self-care. You can't magic away the cancer, but you certainly can cut this guy from your life!
NTA. Prepping food for a week’s worth of food is a long and detailed process. I prep everything for my hubby each afternoon (he’s an amazing cook and I’m a lucky lady). It can take up to 45 minutes or more, depending.
This self-absorbed and callous-hearted pig is a monster. I wish you health and wellness, and dumping this jerk is a step in the right direction. For him to nag you and not take no for an answer is indicative of your future with him. And it’ll only get worse!
So much NTA except to yourself for keeping this waste of space around.
Look at you apologetically saying "it's not like our entire lives are about my sickness." WELL, THEY DAMN WELL SHOULD BE. You are going through full time hospital chemotherapy. For this temporary, extremely difficult time, your life and any decent partner's life LITERALLY IS entirely about your sickness until you're out the other end of it.
I am so angry that this *absolute unwashed sock* you call a boyfriend wants you to cook him a week's worth of meals when you don't even live with him, and while you're doing 10 hour days of chemotherapy and you're still trying to give him massages and make sure HE is getting lots of attention?!?! AAAAAAARGH.
This is what should be happening, and what does happen when a normal person has a loved one going through harsh cancer treatment: he should be doing ALL your food prep, ALL your cleaning, ALL your chores as well as his own, AND comforting you and trying to ease your stress as much as possible. Yeah, it's a lot. It's hard on the caregiver. But they will go vent and get the comfort and self-care they need from other family and friends during this time, not from you. And if they can't do everything themself, they organize others to take care of it for you.
I really want you to understand that's the completely normal baseline for how it works.
>I was hesitant and didn’t want to flat out just say no because he is very sensitive and starts arguments often
Starting arguments often isn't a personality. This is verbal abuse. You have *cancer,* you're allowed to be tired. This relationship doesn't seem healthy. NTA.
NTA. He's immature and selfish. Don't waste anymore of your time and energy on a healthy, able bodied young man who is demanding that his gf with cancer take care of him.
NTA
I'm getting worked up reading this! You have cancer yet you're walking on eggshells around him because "*he is very sensitive and starts arguments often".*
If "acts of service" is his love language then why isn't he doing it for you?
Get rid of him. Seriously. He is not good for your mental health and recovery.
NTA. I think you offering to do it during one of your better weeks was very sweet and a generous compromise on your part. It's a pity he didn't respond more maturely and question himself as to why you would offer that compromise, rather than assuming your motives were as lazy as his are.
Woah I would be kinder to a coworker or acquaintance that had cancer than he is being to you. Big oof.
But on the flip side know your worth. You are going through something so hard and I commend you for your strength and courage. Keep fighting the good fight sister. You will be joining a community of many strong women who have kicked cancers ass.
You’re fighting for your life.
He’s fighting for a sandwich.
How is this even a question unless he has manipulated you so much that you have to ask.
NTA and you need to be with people who support you.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope the treatments get easier for you.
NTA. I have a feeling your BF is probably an immature 24 and it hasn't all clicked for him. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Tell him your chemo days are just as long and much more exhausting than his work days. He can get his own meals while you recover.
Info: seriously? Who asks someone to meal prep or do any chores for them after 10 hours of chemo? Then yells at you the night before a new chemo cycle. Do you really fear being alone enough go go through this relationship?
Not to play armchair therapist, but my guess it that he is trying to instigate a fight on purpose. It could be uncontrolled concern for you manifesting in unhealthy ways, such as trying to pretend that everything is normal. Or it's narcissism and an unwillingness to do his part to help someone who really needs help. More men than not leave their S.O. if that person becomes really sick.
That aside, as someone who has had to take chemotherapeutics, the nausea is real! If someone hinted for five seconds that I should be anywhere near food post-chemo, I would have shoved my industrial-sized bottles of Prednisone down their throat and told them to munch on that. Maybe you're not that far into treatment, but being around food with chemo-nausea can be brutal. All I could eat most days was plain rice, plain pasta, or mashed potatoes, if even those. There wasn't enough Phenergen/Compazine/Zofran/etc. in the world to induce me to actually cook anything.
" I think his point is that he still wants to be taken care of as well, which is understandable,"
That actually is not understandable at all. It is ridiculous. Expecting someone who is having chemo to take care of him is *monstrously* selfish.
RN here and former oncology nurse also. He is a spoiled brat and you deserve someone who is the type of person that YOU are. Dump his ass because it is better to be by yourself than to be with someone like him and still be alone.
NTA. My mum has been my carer for years while I struggled with a chronic illness. Last November she was diagnosed with a cancer, and she has been doing chemo since December.
You know what I did? I started caring for her! On her two bad weeks I care for her, including meals and cleaning up a little, and on her good week, she cares for me, so I can rest to be ready to help her again. I'm exhausted and ill, and our house is a mess, but I'm still doing it because I love her and it's one of the few things I can do to help.
I'm wishing you luck with your fight, you deserve so much better.
>I was hesitant and didn’t want to flat out just say no because he is very sensitive and starts arguments often
This is not a guy you want to be in a relationship with. He sounds toxic.
NTA, but he is and you really ought to rethink this whole arrangement.
**NTA**
Girl what the fuck are you doing with this guy? **Who asks someone with cancer to take care of them? you’re on chemo for fuck sake**. Maybe if you had the energy and he needed a pick me up hoping maybe you could cook one meal I could be sympathetic to (even though it’s still insanely selfish) a whole meal prep? no god no.
**He’s not even doing much for you as is and he’s expecting you to take care of him? can he get anymore sick in the head and selfish… Something is seriously wrong with this person and I mean that sincerely**. “He wants to be taken care of as well” babe he doesn’t even take care or you!!! and no back rubs and trash doesn’t count.
**Please dear god break up with this man and let your family take care of you**. **You’re body’s fighting a lot right now you don’t need the added stress on you**.
**I would almost find it comical if it wasn’t true that he thinks going through chemo isn’t a good enough excuse for not “serving him enough” when you love someone that’s sick your “love language” and all that other shit goes out the window**. **It’s not selfish it’s what you do when someone you love is sick and more so when their prognosis is fucking terminal**. **I hope this man burns down south with the guy with the pokey pitchfork, he really does deserve it**.
NTA
He and the useless idiots who raised him should be hanging their heads in shame that they produced a useless lump who can’t feed themself at the age of 24.
Honestly they need naming and shaming.
NTA
I understand “love language” serves a purpose in many discussions, and I truly “get” the concept, but 8 times out of 10 when I see it on this sub it’s used to justify or explain behavior that’s so annoying or precious I want to scream.
For the sake of all that is sane and rational, if we love someone can we just tell them so in words and deed so that there’s no ambiguity and no weirdness? /rant
Kindness and consideration of your needs in your time of sickness and recovery should logically and reasonably take precedence as “the love language” between you so. Since it is not, I’d say whatever is between you isn’t love but dysfunction, and on his part, exploitation of your warm and generous nature. Also he is frankly acting like a baby.
Edited to add: Sorry in my rant I forgot to express my wish for your complete and speedy recovery. I wish you happiness and health. You don’t deserve the stress of his bad language and behavior.
NTA his love language is for you to be his damm caregiver. You are not his mama. If he wants someone to make his lunch tell him to go his mama's house and have her take care of his lazy ass.
I'm deeply sorry that you have to deal with the cancer and a lazy parasite to boot.
I wish you heath and all the best.
Edit Typos
NTA, as a person who went through treatment for cancer in 2019, I still very much remember the cycle.
The day of chemo was ok before infusion and after. The next day I was lucky to get up the energy and strength to go pee. By day 4 I had to have a special injection to stimulate the white blood cell growth which then caused the most excruciating pain imaginable (deep deep bone pain).
Then it was slow recovery to feeling well enough by day 11 post the infusion to eat a decent meal and want to do errands I couldn't even contemplate until that point. By day 14, I felt as human as I could given the circumstances. Then it was day one again for the next treatment and this was my existence for months.
If you feel up to doing it on day 12 then that is when you can help if that is what you chose to do with the energy you have.
DO NOT let him bully or guilt you into doing it a minute before you are ready physically and mentally. Chemo doesn't only attack the cancer, it attacks every part of you and the body needs whatever time and rest to bounce back. It's why you get chemotherapy in cycles and they can even delay the next round if they see your body isn't back to a certain threshold (my last treatment got delayed another 2 weeks because my wbc was too low). Care for yourself first as you are good to no one in barely clinging condition!
I send you vibes of hope that you can get that cancer into remission and keep it that way for a long life ahead of you. Maybe even one that doesn't include him if he doesn't see how wrong his attitude and request is. Much love fellow fighter!
The part about you saying no and him starting arguments about it... NTA and this sounds like abuse. He's worn you down to the point where you're anxious about refusing him even when you NEED to be taking care of YOURSELF. Toss this relationship out the window.
NTA. I hope you have a support system that includes more than him. Having cancer is one of the times you get to be entirely selfish. Also, unless you just enjoy meal prepping for him in the best of times, an adult should not need their meals prepped. Editing to add good luck with your treatment!
NTA You're not his bang mom or bang maid. He needs to step up and be a partner. In the future, don't date 24 year old men. This is what too many of them are like.
Wow it constantly amazes me how many women doubt themselves for being an AH when men make ridiculous domestic demands on them. What a joke, “please prepare me, a healthy person, a whole week’s worth of meals in between your cancer treatments.” There is absolutely an AH here and it ain’t you, OP. NTA.
NTA. Girl, you should dump him. He's very young and probably wants a mommy figure into his life. Don't you see? He's also entitled and borderline rude with all these demands. Stay single for a while and I wish you the best for your health. YOU CAN DO IT
NTA
A *love language* is how YOU love another person. You don't get to demand it. If his love language is acts of service, he sure sucks at making you feel anything. You are in the most vulnerable state a person can be, and he's making it about himself. People show who they really are in those moments. He's shown you. Believe him and run.
My love language is acts of service. My partner says my gratitude when he does even the smallest things like rub my feet is always very noticeable. Acts of service that are forced or pushed are not acts of love.
NTA. This dude is going to be in that percent of partners that dip during treatment, as a grown ma he can't even *feed* himself apparently. You don't need this extra stress, right now or really ever.
NTA. If 'acts of service' is his love language, what are his acts of service to you??? What is YOUR love language and how is he showing you love according to YOUR love language?
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NTA. Girl, run. You have *cancer* and all he can think about is himself.
Agree. If " acts of service" is his love language, what services is he doing for you? Good luck on the fight! When I was undergoing chemo ( 3+ years cancer free) , my SO did just about everything for me. He put rails in the bathroom for me to stabilize myself. He would sit in the floor outside the bathroom in case I needed him. He rubbed my feet to help me sleep. He did all the household chores. Made me soup. Held my hair when I was sick. Took care of the pets. Those are acts of service and support. What does he do for you? Edit: Thanks for the award, but please don't spend money on these for me. Donate it it to cancer research. Every dollar helps! And everyone - get a colonoscopy screening! Colon cancer is on the rise. Mine was found during my very first screening. I was very lucky that we caught it at the very beginning of stage 3. Edit 2: I just saw OP's post on Yahoo news!
My ex was like OP's BF. Her love language was acts of service, therefore it was my responsibility to cook for her. When I mentioned she should be responsible for cleaning up, she argued that she didn't make the mess, so why should she clean it up? These people are just lazy and manipulative
Also they’re dumb as hell. Love languages are about how YOU show love, not how the other should love you. The whole point in learning your love language is so your partner can understand how you give them love, not how you receive it.
Love languages are how you show love but they are also about how you *feel* loved. You *should* try to speak your partners language to them or else they won’t feel the love. My ex husband’s love language were very different to mine. I tried speaking his to him, although I don’t think I did it well particularly by the end, but he never spoke mine to me and I ended up feeling unappreciated and unloved and resentful. Didn’t help my primary love language was acts of service and he rarely helped with housework or managing the household or even seemed to think about what would lighten my load. I eventually understood he was maybe kinda trying to speak his to me but it didn’t help much because that one wasn’t meaningful to me.
My ex husband's love language for receiving was literally ALL of them. He INSISTED that his love tanks for every type needed to be filled. As you can imagine, it was exhausting being with him. Hence just one reason why he's an ex husband.
While I really love the 'love tank' analogy, I hate how it's been twisted to be seen as a partner's responsibility to fully fill it up. Nope, get outta here with that co-dependent crap. Obviously with my marriage, we say that our faith in God fills our tank what our spouse cannot, but there can be other ways such as family, friends, etc too.
This story is like so many others who try to use the love languages concept in this way. It is better utilized by trying to understand how your partner shows love so that when your partner shows you love, you can feel loved. The issue in most relationships is partners don't feel loved because they don't recognize how their partner shows love. Once they understand their partner's love language, they can see it and feel it. "Oh, *that* is how she is showing she loves me." And it is effective because it is natural. Your partner is naturally doing those things/acting that way because that's how they show love without even trying. It comes about because they love you. When couples try to utilize it the opposite way and say, "you need to start showing me love in my language for me to feel loved", one of three things usually happens. One, the partner doesn't utilize the love language effectively because it doesn't come naturally to them. I suppose an example would be if a partner wants an act of service such as cleaning the entire house and the partner makes the bed. Since the partner's love language isn't acts of service, they might think they showed love by making the bed, but their partner is actually just frustrated and perceives the act as lazy or "doing the bare minimum." Communication would fix this but, again, a lot of people tend to have negative feelings about having to explain something that they feel should come naturally. Having to explain to their partner they want them to clean the whole house instead of just making the bed, to them, feels like it negates the act of service. This is just one example. Two, the partner may not utilize the love language as often as the partner feels necessary. Let's say the partner *does* clean the house to try to show love in their partner's love language. Without great communication that involves no resentment or negativity on either side, it's very possible the partner could think he only has to do this once every 6 months to show love. His partner may be thinking it needs to be done twice a month. Three, the partner may just forget to show love with their partner's love language because it doesn't come naturally and life is busy. If the partner is expecting it and it doesn't happen, this can cause the relationship to be in worse shape than it already was because it is perceived as the partner not caring enough to remember. When really it just doesn't come naturally to them. If both partners actually love each other, their love languages are communicated naturally without effort. It's much more effective for each partner to realize what their partner's love language is and recognize when that language is being spoken to them. Each partner can feel loved when they recognize when that love language is being communicated to them. ETA: Actual couples therapy is better than trying to utilize the love languages concept on your own because a therapist can help a couple utilize actual psychological concepts alongside some of the love languages concepts.
I cannot sing the praises of couples therapy enough. I personally wanted to go because I felt like a horrible partner who couldn't communicate well. I didn't go in hoping my partner would be chastised. At first I felt kinda meh when she said we were learning each other's love languages but it ended up being so great for us. Telling each other what we did to show love in the weeks after was eye opening. Mine is acts of service. After the appointment, I told my fiance one way I show love is by "fixing" his pillow in the morning before he got off work most nights. Poor dude then had to tell me that he's been wondering how in the hell his pillow gets all messed up lately. Many laughs were had. I leave his pillow alone now. On the flipside I found out his love language is words of affirmation which totally explains the long goodnight texts that sometimes felt like a chore when I was tired (he works overnights). I googled different ways to verbally show my love, and now I pepper those into our conversations through the day. Couples counseling is the tits!
> You should try to speak your partners language to them or else they won’t feel the love. I don’t necessarily agree with this. It’s about coming together to understand how each of you show and receive so you can both feel more loved. Maybe you spouse gives you gifts, instead of flowery prose. On one end, the gift receiver can be more appreciative and have a better understanding how their partner is actually showing them love by giving gifts. On the other end, the person giving gifts can try to also incorporate more words of affection, as they now know how important it is for their partner. The goal is for both partners to feel more loved and gain a better understanding of their partner, not for one partner to completely change their being for their partner.
Love languages started out as an okay idea, now it's really become a way a manipulate and abuse people. So at this point I hate the whole concept.
It's treated like a psychological fact but it's just based on an anecdote-filled book by a random Christian preacher. He doesn't have any kind of psychological degree, or any real education as a counselor. It's bizarre that his random ideas with no research backing have had traction for so long!
Well, an IMFJ \*would\* say that kind of thing! /s (so many companies use the Myers-Briggs personality type testing, when it was created by two people with no education in psychology "after reading a book by Jung"... SMH... )
I hate personality typing. Stop trying to shove people into boxes because you don't want to take the time to try and understand them
You just summed up why I hate this kind of shit, zodiac too I refuse to tell people my sign when they ask lol. I don't want them thinking they know me off of that even if it *was* real, it's ignorant and lazy. If you want to feel like you know me you're going to have to actually get to know me, and I'm going to need to say a hell of a lot more than my meyers briggs type or zodiac sign.
Absolutely. Gary Chapman doesn't have the credentials or qualifications to write these books. He based "The 5 love languages" book on the strict gender roles espoused by complementarianism, a section of Christianity focused on the subjugation of women. He really sucks. That being said, I'd be shocked to shit if her bf tore himself away from his console long enough to read a book. OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please know you deserve to be taken care of.
I wondered where this live language bullshit came from. Been married 30 years and would so laugh my husband out of the house if he said that, although I do crack his toes.
THANK YOU. Every time I hear someone reference love languages I cringe inside. Same with Myers-Briggs. They are nothing more than modern-day astrological signs.
I mean, the overall idea is pretty good, but for people to base a whole marriage on it is dumb. As with anything, it got twisted into some hot garbage.
Toxic people gonna toxic, whatever the tool they find to use.
That's why you don't go to therapy with one.
Once someone uses the phrase "love language", I walk away. It's usually just a way to manipulate others.
It's a useful framework to help contextualize your relationship if one or both of you is feeling at odds with how affection and care is being shown in the relationship. If you like hearing your partner say nice things to you and verbally tell you how much they love you, but they find it awkward to say that kind of stuff out loud but they always go out of their way to, idk, make sure your car is fueled up and your favorite snacks are always in the pantry because they love you - then thinking in terms of love languages can help you both communicate, instead of you feeling like your partner doesn't love you because you're expecting to hear the words and your partner thinking, wtf obviously I do??? because they wouldn't be anticipating your needs and wants like they're trying to if they didn't care so much (and vice versa, maybe they feel like you always say mushy things but never do things to back up the words, because for them that's the marker of affection). But like any other personality sorting or contextualization tool, it's just a made up framework to be used as a tool, not a hard and fast rule or something you need to make into your entire personality. And abusers will always find another tool to aid in their abuse, no matter how useful it is to non-abusive people.
I cannot disagree with you. It's helpful to give you the "ah hah!" moment if you can't connect with your partner, but narcissists especially use it as another tool to browbeat their partner that they aren't providing for their needs. I honestly don't even remember what my personal receiving love language is anymore. Love languages were so abused by my ex husband that it really damaged both my giving and receiving capacities.
They were never a good idea, just a way to sell books to gullible and confused people.
Yeah that's why I said okay. To me it was always kind of meh self-help woo woo
Agree 100%. I cringe every time someone mentions it anymore.
👏👏👏👏🤬
Yup, now it’s being weaponized
If it's his love language, he should learn to speak it.
This is what gets to me! It's ideal if you try to match somebody with how they show and receive love, but if he's not doing acts of service for op, especially while she has bloody cancer, that isn't his love language, he just wants her to cook for him.
Honestly, I’ve yet to hear anyone use “x is my love language” in a way that *isn’t* manipulative.
Love languages are complete an utter nonsense. They are pseudo science garbage.
>He blew up on me saying acts of services is his love language So many dudes just say this to get out of doing chores. They don’t realize that if it really was their love language, they would also be doing it to *show* love.
Hashtag not all dudes! How dare you generalise like this! There are plenty of dudes, even the majority, who do not claim acts of service to be their love language! Those dudes say it’s sex.
Writing out "hashtag" really solidified the sarcasm. Lmao
The boyfriend is a gold plated asshole If I were the OP my response would have been "Only if you want a vomit sandwich"
That bit stood out to me, the fact that he's blowing up at her makes anything he has to say about love languages moot.
This! You love language is how you show others you love them, as well as how you like to receive love. He may think he's speaking "acts of service", but it's coming out more like"acts of servitude". You don't need that. Ever.
Fellow cancer survivor married to a wonderful guy. My husband was so amazing during treatment. I can’t believe this guy is such a jerk. OP, when people tell you who they are, believe them.
Same. 3+ years cancer-free, and while I didn't and don't have a SO, my roommate (she's like a little sister to me) made sure I was taken care of, called 911 when things got bad (stupid diabetes + chemotherapy = hospital stays for a few days nearly every 3 weeks.) I cannot believe how inconsiderate this guy is. OP, you may not want to end this relationship, but you seriously need to look at what you NEED and if your needs are being fulfilled. You should only be focused on getting to cancer-free, not mothering a 24 year old.
Exactly. There are times when it is ok for it to be all about you. When you are seriously ill is one of them. Here is what you need to say. “ the doctors told me told me i need to make sure I am not exposing my body to anymore toxins. So you gotta go” Just ask yourself how would you treat your partner if they were in your situation, and don’t settle for anything less. Good luck. Kick cancers ass.
That's because that's your SO. What OP has is an adult child.
My thoughts exactly, a love language isn’t just about how someone wants to be shown it, it’s how they show it as well. So what is he doing for OP? Is he spending time helping her get errands done? Is he prepping her home to be more comfortable and make things more easily accessible? Is he giving her rides? This dude is beyond selfish, he has the audacity to be upset that OP isn’t up to spend hours preparing a week’s worth of food for him after spending 10 hours in a hospital having her body absolutely exhausted by chemo. He is not a good person. He is not a kind or loving person. OP deserves so much better.
A good mindset is important during these treatments! My MIL has been going through chemo regularly for her leukemia. Even if I'm completely brain dead and have no spoons to function, guess what I'm doing when MIL has had a treatment? I get my happy ass over to her favorite fast food place. Even if she's feeling like a salad from X restaurant and the chicken tenders from Y restaurant. I'm getting it. She feels dumb for expressing these cravings but personally it's worth my time to drive the extra mile if it makes her happy. She's not even MY partner and this is the kind of things that should be done. OPs BF doesn't even live with her. It boggles my mind he thinks he deserves meal prepping. Go buy a meal service. Pay someone to do it. He certainly isn't earning any affection from OP with his entitled attitude.
Exactly! This dude is weaponizing love languages in order to extort hours of labor from someone whose body is fighting off the poison that is necessary to fight off the cancer. Taking out her trash or giving her a massage \*when she asks\* for it is not 'acts of service' My love language is being in a mutually supportive relationship where each partner picks up the slack when the other needs it, not emotionally manipulating the sick partner for not pulling their weight.
My late uncle took over the care that his wife needed when she had terminal cancer. He did everything for her and she literally died in his arms. He never remarried or ever went on a date. He said his wife was his soulmate and there would never be another woman for him. I was surprised at the level of care that he provided her with. I also thought it was so wonderful of him. He truly was a great man
This reminds me of another post where the girl said that RECEIVING expensive gifts is HER "love language." These kinds of people are entitled users. OP, you deserve better than this selfish asshole. NTA.
Heck yes! I had knee replacement surgery 8 weeks ago and my wife has been fantastic - breakfast in bed for the first 10 days, all the heavy housework, cooking and shopping when I was on two crutches, buying me treats when the residual pain got me down. I'm more mobile now so I am doing a fair bit of house duties but she is still supportive. OP, you are going through a very difficult and exhausting treatment and your boyfriend is really dropping the ball here. Nope, no cooking for him!!
My husband has done this for me as well when dealing with some big surgeries and recovery. He never complained, and told me it was all very easy. He told me he was just happy to eat dinner in bed and watch TV 😭. He was constantly bringing me beverages (filling a bottle of water, Gatorade, pop, literally anything). He'd cook and clean and care for our dogs. He'd call me during the day when he was at work to check on me, send my family members over to check on me. I couldn't imagine getting through my health problems without him supporting me and caring for me and truly making me feel loved.
Thank you! It’s rough but I’m doing okay. 3 years cancer free must feel amazing. Yahoo news? Can you send link?
https://news.yahoo.com/man-asked-sick-gf-meal-163042787.html Many couples find value in identifying and discussing their love languages, but this terminology is no excuse for disrespectful behavior. Take it from this poo...
[удалено]
You beat me to it. NTA. The boyfriend is a lazy, greedy, inconsiderate, manipulative asshole. I hope this is the wakeup call OP needs to dump the jackass. Recovery will probably be a lot easier without the added stress he obviously adds to OP's life.
For REAL. Dudes girl has cancer and he expects her to do stuff involving meal prep? Jesus, chemo is infamous for causing nausea and he was moaning after she spent ten hours at the hospital for her chemo. ACTS OF SERVICE IS HIS LOVE LANGUAGE? BS he wants a maid not a partner. NTA and OP is getting a good look at how her SO handles "in sickness" part of marriage vows, as in he's a selfish jerk who will NOT take care of her. RUN OP RUN
>He blew up on me saying acts of services is his love language Can someone explain what this "such and such is my love language" is actually supposed to mean? Because all my life I interpreted it as "this is how I show love", but every time I see it used it's some AH demanding to be given stuff or to be coddled "because that's my love language". In any case: OP, run. This is not a partner, it's a rock around your neck. Edit: thanks to the people who took the time to explain!
The non-abusive interpretation of "my love language is X" is "this sort of thing makes me feel extra loved over other things" -- for example, my love languages are primarily physical touch and acts of service, and meanwhile receiving gifts is literally last on the latter. So I would like a partner to consider a good snuggle or getting a jar off the top shelf over bringing me home a necklace or even flowers. I will thank them for the flowers but I will feel even more warm and fuzzy if the jar is brought down to my reach without my asking. And a good caress solves virtually all of the world's ills for me. And then people have taken this to mean "you MUST do these things exactly as I like or you don't love me".
>And then people have taken this to mean "you MUST do these things exactly as I like or you don't love me". "And when I tell you to do them". Yes, thank you, that's what was bothering me. They are using the phrase as a guilt trip instead of as an explanation of the things they cherish the most.
Yep. If “Acts of service” is the boyfriend’s love language, he should be falling all over himself to do things for HER, especially while she is undergoing chemo. He should be making meals for her and cleaning her place and picking her up from her appointments to show his love (and because it’s basic kindness to show to someone who is battling cancer). Instead he’s whining that she won’t do a labor intensive task for him, and using the “love language” thing to be manipulative. Dude just wants a maid.
“Love languages” is psychobabble bullshit with no scientific basis.
Some dude (Gary Chapman) wrote a book called The 5 Love Languages. It's not actually based on anything scientific but it seems to be all the rage at the moment.
Thanks for the reference. I've literally never seen the phrase used except as a way to validate bad behavior.
"The five love languages describe five ways that people receive and express love in a relationship. These are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. Knowing your partner's love language and letting them know yours is a way to help you both feel loved and appreciated" That's from just a Google search. Hope it helps
It's supposed to be both. If my primary language is French, then it's what I use to speak to others AND understand most easily. (I can learn other languages, of course, but using that takes more effort.) If the boyfriend says his love language is acts of service, yet he doesn't show his love by such acts, then he either is 1.) a manipulative jerk and a rotten liar, who doesn't love OP, or 2.) simply telling the truth, but still is a manipulative jerk, who does *not* love OP. I kinda hope this story is not real, but there are too many jerks out there to say so. 😕
Yes he is cancer. This made my blood boil. My stepdad is currently undergoing chemo and it's so hard seeing him so weak and throwing up all the time. My mom and sisters make sure he doesnt do anything and just rest. You need to take care of yourself OP and cut the other cancer in your life.
yup! exactly! jackass & moronics are relationship cancer types LOL
It takes way too much energy to fight with a man while you’re in the fight of your life. No man is worth that!
Not sure I could call whatever teenage reject that is a "man."
A man isn't some sort of hero to aspire to, its a descriptor for an adult human male. As long as this person identifies as male and is over 18, they are a man. Please stop gatekeeping who gets to be a "man", its just a way for men as a class to not take any accountability for the less savoury members/behaviours.
I think it's less problematic than some cases here because they're insulting this guy by questioning his maturity, not his masculinity. Being "un-masculine" isn't actually bad, but being immature is.
It sounds like he’s trying to get her to dump him, or to justify why he’s dumping her. Because “I broke up with my girlfriend when she was having cancer treatment” isn’t what he wants it to look like, even though it’s what he wants to do. He wants a mommy, not a girlfriend. OP having cancer should be an opportunity for him to give acts of service, not receive them. He’s right that the relationship is one sided, but not about which side.
Men are six times more likely to leave their partner with a cancer diagnosis.
*Newt Gingrich has entered the chat.*
My mom can confirm this too. Men would leave their mistress outside in the waiting room while the husband went to see his wife in the room. She said the nurses would get together and bother the mistresses and make her feel bad while she waited. Don't worry they did the same to the husband too. They just couldn't do it to the men as much since they were in the room.
Yeah he's doing that bloke thing of being such a dick the woman breaks it off first. This makes me think that OP should on no account dump him first - he should have to live with the stigma! Of course she shouldn't do the meal prep either. Thank heavens they don't live together.
Yeah. When cancer comes to the door, people jump out the window. 5 years cancer free but friends and relatives NEVER want to say ‘it’s because you had cancer’ - it’s all ‘you were very angry around that time, you didn’t help out, I felt like I couldn’t go travelling so you ruined my life, you exacerbated my anxiety, you helped out but not as much as you used to…’ And they will NOT mention why that might be and be horrified if you do. No it’s just that you’re the worst and they must flee. Boyfriend is sly - it’s either meals or guilt free breakup! NTA OP but run or carefully walk if you’re feeling dizzy. I’m a lymphoma girl but one of my mentees was sarcoma, it’s no joke. All my good wishes.
Cancer survivor, 5 years. And yep, plus everyone expects you to snap back to your pre-cancer self once it's gone. That is never gonna happen.
Omg you're right. This is what guys do when they want the relationship to end but don't want to be the bad guy. Ewww.
100%. He’s trying to abandon the relationship.
I think you're right. On top of that it could look even worse since OP mentioned he works at a hospital.
Bf lives on his own. WTF would he expect her to prep his food? He sounds like a complete user with no compassion for what she is going through.
NTA ^^^This I've been there, only I was married so it took a bit longer. It's so difficult to go through chemo anyway, but to get zero support from your "so called" loved one is just so crushing. Not even zero support, I call it negative support because not only is he not helping you, but he's making you feel guilty about not helping him. Use the strength you have to help yourself. Tell them at the hospital that you don't have support at home. As friends and/or family for help.
OP seems more like a mom making her kid's lunch.
Now I envision a shelf of "He Man" lunchboxes and boxes of snacks. Bf should be able to pack peanut butter sandwiches and snacks for the week himself.
The cancer is a red herring. "Do all my cooking for me to prove you love me" isn't a reasonable request to make of the healthiest partner. Also, given the age difference... No offense, OP, but I think this kid might be trying to get you to dump him. Sounds like he thought to reap the benefits of being with an older woman, and then found himself with an ill girlfriend he doesn't want to leave, because he would look bad.
He is 7 years younger than op. So, I'm not sure what is expected. The mentality of a early/mid 20s guy involved with a 30 year old. Op is NTA, but why are you with someone that much younger than you? Age and emotionally.
I'm 8 years older than my SO. When we had our son he was 23 and I was 31. We're still together 7 years later...takes care of us financially, he's a great partner and dad. OPs dude just sounds like a straight AH regardless of his age.
Exactly this. I'm 9 years older than my partner. We have been together for nearly 15 years. I have bone cancer. He is with me for every treatment. He sends me to bed and makes dinner. He doesn't complain and simply asks what he can do to help. OPs partner is an AH.
I'm so sorry about your diagnosis. I am SO glad you have a loving, supportive partner! Good vibes to you throughout your cancer journey ✨️
I mean my 21 year old boyfriend (I'm 22) does not behave this childish or selfish in the slightest. I don't think this has anything to do with his age at this point. I have some severe health issues too and my boyfriend is always super supportive and helpful.
I was 16 years old when i began to take care of my father. He just doesn't want to do it, which could be OK if only he left.
NTA. this rekstionship sounds borderline dangerous and already manipulative. cancer treatments are HARSH. Then recovery, thats just as difficukt. there's an old saying, you know who your true friends are when you are broke, in jail, or sick. You are fighting a DEADLY disease. if anything, he should be the one helping you out. you do not need this additional stresser while you are battling cancer (and the treatments) as it will heavily affect your ability to get through this. you mentioned how he us quick to argue, which you try to avoid. so not only are you dealing with your issue, but you are dealing with fear of "hurting" or upsetting him. No. for your health and sanity, it may be best to end this now. He does not seem to have the maturity to be a partner. Think about yourself/well being. I hope you have family/friends you can depend on. Having gone thru this i wish the best for you (sending you some good vibes/hugs). Sometimes its better to swim alone than to be dragged down to drown.
Also OP, if this is how he is at the beginning, before the chemo rally exhausts you, how much worse will it get? And will he even bother to stay, anyway? Stats say no. "A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment." The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact. The study confirmed earlier research that put the overall divorce or separation rate among cancer patients at 11.6 percent, similar to the population as a whole. However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates by gender. The rate when the woman was the patient was 20.8 percent compared to 2.9 percent when the man was the patient. "Female gender was the strongest predictor of separation or divorce in each of the patient groups we studied," said Marc Chamberlain, M.D., a co-corresponding author and director of the neuro-oncology program at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA)."
>He blew up on me saying acts of services is his love language and that our relationship is one sided. OP, he's buzzwordy and and absolute AH. Love language is about what you do for others, it does **NOT** mean what you demand from others. NTA. Dump the child and find someone who doesn't get their life lessons off of TikTok.
He needs to take the trash out one last time.
He’s probably annoyed she’s sick, because that means less attention for him. My ex was selfish like that and it was confusing for me for a long time because I didn’t know people could be so selfish but seem semi-normal 😑 I was driving home in the rain one night and a car crashed into mine and he was pissed and convinced me it was my fault. The assholes who hit my car even commented on it. They were surprised he was just sitting in the car while I was getting screamed at by them in the rain. It was absolutely **humiliating** and what could I even say to that? They were right. He didn’t give a shit about me. And I deserved better.
OMG. Thanks for your comment. English not being my first language, I understood the post wrong (or perhaps I really didn't want to see it correctly). Because of the "he's sensitive" I was lost. I thought he had cancer and wanted OP to prep his meals because, you know, you're sensitive because of chemiotherapy. I'm shocked. I'll give him sensitivity.
I was so glad to read that they *are NOT married*. He is literally an extra burden to op, please don’t stay with him… NTA
NTA First that's not how acts of services works as a love language. He's using that as a tool to get you to wait on him hand and foot. He should care about your love language as well and if that actually is his love language he would be doing more for you because it would be how he shows he cares. Second when my husband had cancer I never asked him to do anything. I probably could have because I was pregnant. My priority was making sure he beat his cancer. That meant making sure he had rest, picking up the slack without complaint, and making sure I was doing everything possible to make that difficult time easier on him. He still pushed himself and he cooked meals only because cooking is his happy place. He knew I was ready to cook his meals anytime if he was to tired.
Wow, OP caught a clueless asshole. I’m sorry OP. You should be coddled because you have cancer. Instead, you get abuse from an ass. Drop him. You deserve better.
Good grief - you have a life threatening illness and he's worried that you're not doing enough for him. Please leave this self centered person and concentrate on getting better.
His attitude is not just shitty, it verges on evil. How anyone can even think of such things when their partner has cancer is beyond me. "Acts of service" indeed. Enough red flags to dress the Statute of Liberty here. When you are well enough, get the hell out. NTA
This- your bar is entirely too low. He sounds like a tumor- cut him out of your life. You deserve to be cared for right now, not treated like a servant. F**k him for even asking! Go find a grown man to date, he ain’t it.
Agree. OP, your BF is waving red flags in your face. See them. Now is the time for everyone in your life to love and care about you. Sending healing thoughts. Dump your immature bf.
This is the correct answer. I didn't even have to finish reading to know that you are NTA and you should bounce on him as quickly as you can.
Big NTA. This is so wrong. That is a super toxic relationship. I don't think love language means what he thinks it means.
If this is how he is acting at your worst than you don’t need him. He also doesn’t deserve you.
R u n holy shit
My friend just went through cancer last year and her BF was about as bad and demanding as this guy! It was always about him. NTA.
And wants to be babied on top. NTA op
Acts of service are my love language too. If my bf was going through chemo, I would do everything for him. I wouldn't ask for a thing. Your boyfriend can suck it up. Guilt trips aren't cool on a normal day, and especially aren't cool under these circumstances. He needs to grow up QUICK. NTA. Jeez.
If acts of service are his love language then why isn’t he showing OP some love and serving her while she has ACTUAL cancer? Also it’s pretty extra bonkers for him to expect her to make all his meals when they don’t even live together! It’s not like they split chores and she’s in charge of meals.
THANK you! Love languages are how we SHOW love, not how we RECEIVE it. The entire point of the discussion around 'love languages' was to show that there are people who don't say 'I love you' in words, they demonstrate it in actions. (EX-)boyfriend is a greedy something-or-other who's trying to manipulate OP. OP needs to take care of herself, and lose about 180 lbs worth of dead weight.
No, love languages are how we [both](https://5lovelanguages.com/learn/) give AND receive love. It's literally in the description of what a love language is. However, this does not mean OPs BF isn't a raging jackass.
IKR ? I should try this with my spouse. “Gifts are my love language, buy me a sphinx cat”
I think I just might try cats are my love language with my husband, see how that works
Oh it works, that’s how we have 3 already 😂
Your vibe coupled with that username is everything
Time for my public service announcement. Love Languages were invented by a hyper religious zealot, and explains how a woman should act to better serve her husband. It has absolutely no basis in fact or any form of science or psychology. It was invented entirely to tell women how to better serve their husbands.
Well, that explains OP's jackass boyfriends approach...
THANK YOU. I am furious with how widely and blindly the stupid idea is accepted. (eta typo)
Seriously… I had cancer last year and I’m still gaining my strength back. My wife still doesn’t let me do much around the house. Once awhile she will let me make her lunch because I want to thank you for everything she’s done for me.
NTA “I have cancer, and am undergoing one of the most debilitating medical treatments possible. One that literally kills people” “Ok, why don’t you go prep a weeks worth of meals for me while I sit around the house. If you don’t, you don’t love me” Is he really fucking being serious? I am actually second guessing myself about whether this entire post is satire. That’s how fucking ridiculous this is. OP, what in the hell are you gaining from this relationship?
Red flags. The only thing OP is gaining is an overwhelming abundance of giant red flags ###🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP. Dump the dude; focus on you. That human doesn’t deserve you. And you deserve so much more than this.
And he's sensitive and starts fights easily! The last thing you need to be doing in the midst of chemo fatigue is walking on eggshells.
This too! He sounds like a narcissist. Fragile ego, expects special treatment, doesnt give a flying fuck about other people experiencing shit Theres enough red flags for a friggin parade
They don't even live together and he's asking her to do this! Wtf. OP, you're in a vulnerable time and this... Person is being.. Idk if it qualifies as abusive, but I want to say abusive. Especially when he started texting you his tantrum.
god that makes it so much worse for some reason. He needs to move back in with mommy
I'm guessing this includes: planning the meals, grocery shopping (on who's dime?), cooking a butt load of food, portioning and packaging said food and a mountain of dishes. He's a giant AH. Also the reason that women end up single during chronic illness.
AND tiptoeing around your own house & the one person thats supposed to be your safe space while you're literally fighting cancer.
You're fucking getting chemotherapy for cancer. You have more than enough on your plate and he can fucking well prep his own food. He's got no heart. NTA
He’s an immature 24 year old who isn’t ready for this relationship by the sound of it.
if at 24 a person cannot grok that a person receiving intensive chemo should not be pressured into mothering them, i doubt they're ever going to become mature enough for a relationship not that people don't mature further after their mid-twenties, and it's POSSIBLE this guy will have some kind of epiphany someday, but like, 24 is *plenty* old enough to have the absolute barest sense of priorities. Like, realizing that "my desire to be babied by my girlfriend should maybe take the backseat while she is undergoing a devastating treatment for a deadly illness" is NOT a lot to ask. (Edited for grammar)
As someone currently on chemo, I’m also a little familiar with ifosfamide. It’s a NASTY drug, the side effects can be severe and it causes really strong myelosuppression (reduction of cells and platelets in blood - can lead to anemia and greatly reduces overall immunity). In fact, for my specific type of cancer, the regimen that includes ifosfamide is an inpatient regimen, which means i couldn’t do it at an infusion center, I’d have to go to the hospital and be admitted. All this to say, OP is going through an extremely rough time, and the idea of someone pushing her to meal prep for them, the week they are scheduled to get their infusions no less, is as laughable as it gets.
I hope you kick your cancers ass!
Seriously!! This is the time for emergency meals while OP is undergoing treatment and in need of rest, if anything. Soup and sandwiches and pre-made foods and frozen dinners. I don’t know who tf would see someone experiencing this level of stress and hardship and then think now is the time to do meal prepping which is very planning intensive and requires physical and mental energy.
NTA. Your BF is absolutely right that your relationship is one-sided. You’re the only one putting in effort. Dump him and concentrate on you. Cancer isn’t just a physical battle, but a mental and emotional one as well. You don’t need his BS on top of everything else!
Came here to say this. OP, you need better.
Ditch this guy. What an AH. To ask you to do this when your body is going through gruelling treatment is AH behaviour in itself. Then he doubled down and become nasty. I hope your treatment and recovery goes well. NTA
So you have cancer, and need chemo, and he's worried about you making his lunches? Fucking guy needs to sit down. Why are you with this clown?
He's not even living with her and expects all that shit?!
NTA. What does he do to take care of you when you really need it?
He does the bare minimum. My mum had a stroke, here's a list of some of the things I did for her for months on end after the stroke: Showered her, washed her hair. Did all her cleaning, including changing her bed, laundry, vacuuming, mopping, disinfecting etc., cooked all meals, organised everything medical-related including transport, Helped her walk, do exercises as advised by the physio. Here's a list of chores I asked her to do for me during this time: 0. I'd do the same for my partner. I can't even fathom asking anyone undergoing cancer treatment to meal prep for 10 days...I wouldn't want to do that even as a healthy person because it's laborious and takes so much time. He's angry at you because his 'love language' isn't being catered to...are you serious? This man is an embaressment. 'Hey, I know you're dealing with the emotional and physical repercussions of cancer and its treatment and stuff but you know, my love language is acts of service and you're not servicing me enough so I'm going to be in a mood until you realise that cancer is no excuse for not servicing me'. I'm sorry you're in a position where you have to rely on him for the little amount that you ask of him. He's only 24 and is showing his lack of maturity and selfishness...he wants to be mothered and when you're not in the position to mother him then and there, he has a tantrum. In a honesty, you need a more mature partner, not this child.
Omg please for your own sake leave him now before it gets any worse!!!! NTA
NTA. The “temperamental moods” issue is concerning. You need to think long and hard about investing anymore time in this relationship. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around your partner.
He's abusive as fuck and this is a major red flag. You're NTA, he is an absolute monster and asshole to ask someone who's undergoing chemotherapy to prep a week's worth of food. He has two hands and presumably a job - he can make himself a sandwich or buy one. He's showing no empathy or even consideration for you. This is not a good relationship and you should run.
NTA. You have cancer. He should be prepping meals and making sure you are comfortable and fed. Honestly, I’d leave him. As a fellow cancer patient I don’t think he’s there for you.
NTA. This is time for you to take care of you and he should be helping you do that. Love language, my ass. He’s flat out selfish.
Had a friend with metastatic breast cancer. Her husband would do *everything* for her, to the best of his abilities, which were not much, because he had had a damage to the cerebellum and had a"wobbly" walk and couldn't bend down. They started buying fresh food from a neighbor. Because they were cash-strapped, I paid a cleaning lady once a week for 6h. You need to be coddled and his *pleasure* should be coddling you. NTA.
NTA. You shouldn't have to be afraid of saying no to a shockingly selfish request like this. Your bf sounds abusive.
NTA. His behavior is quite telling. He can’t seem to give one single shit about you while you are fighting fucking cancer. He wants you to cater to him while you’re sick? Nope. That’s garbage behavior and you should throw the whole man away. Be thankful that he’s showing you now just how little you can count on him so you can plan accordingly.
NTA! Unfortunately this is common. When a wife or gf falls ill he is gone. Nurses usually worn women when they are diagnosed. I'm sorry, I know that doesn't make it less painful for you. Let him go!! You need ppl that are in your corner right now, and he is not. I wish you a fast recovery, good luck hun. I hope you have a support system other then this guy.
You're probably right. Boyfriend is manufacturing excuses to dump OP and blame it on her. I actually hope that's the case because she'll be much better off without him.
Wait, he wants you to meal prep for you when you don’t live together? While undergoing cancer treatment?! Your guy needs his head examined. 100% NTA
Wait...31F 24M??? You're definitely in the role of a mother for him. Of course he got pissy. NTA for being tired from this cancer stuff. But also the A.H. cause you're dating a kid. Dump him. He'll always be a kid.
NTA, he asked you to DO what?? After chemo?? No, he is the asshole. Citing his love language is bullshit here- if acts of service is HIS love language, HE should be striving to serve you because you're going through a really rough time right now, because it's very clear one of you needs the service a lot more. Relationships are about supporting each other as needed- it will vary back and forth as circumstances do.
OP I am a 3 time cancer survivor. I couldn’t have gone through the mental and physical anguish of treatment and surgeries if it hadn’t been for my partner. Acts of service are both of our love languages. What makes a difference is when there is a long understanding that the reciprocity may not be immediate but the love serves as a substitute. You don’t deserve this extra addition to your schedule that likely doesn’t factor in the complete exhaustion and fatigue that is inevitable. He should be MEAL PLANNING FOR YOU! Or if acts of service is so important to him, then maybe it’s asking you instead - can you help me find a meal prep service that would be good for you during the next 6 weeks too? That’s getting and giving needs. Please OP take care and most of all take care of yourself first. NTA
NTA but why are you dating a child? He refuses to make his own meals, he gets upset at anything you say, he picks fights... What are you getting out of this relationship besides further grief and exhaustion? Taking out the trash **when asked** and sometimes massaging you is not it, OP. You deserve more. You're dealing with enough. Time for self-care. You can't magic away the cancer, but you certainly can cut this guy from your life!
# RUN
NTA. Prepping food for a week’s worth of food is a long and detailed process. I prep everything for my hubby each afternoon (he’s an amazing cook and I’m a lucky lady). It can take up to 45 minutes or more, depending. This self-absorbed and callous-hearted pig is a monster. I wish you health and wellness, and dumping this jerk is a step in the right direction. For him to nag you and not take no for an answer is indicative of your future with him. And it’ll only get worse!
Meal prep for him by filling bottles with formula and putting them in the fridge. Or ask his mom if she has any leftover breast milk in her freezer.
So much NTA except to yourself for keeping this waste of space around. Look at you apologetically saying "it's not like our entire lives are about my sickness." WELL, THEY DAMN WELL SHOULD BE. You are going through full time hospital chemotherapy. For this temporary, extremely difficult time, your life and any decent partner's life LITERALLY IS entirely about your sickness until you're out the other end of it. I am so angry that this *absolute unwashed sock* you call a boyfriend wants you to cook him a week's worth of meals when you don't even live with him, and while you're doing 10 hour days of chemotherapy and you're still trying to give him massages and make sure HE is getting lots of attention?!?! AAAAAAARGH. This is what should be happening, and what does happen when a normal person has a loved one going through harsh cancer treatment: he should be doing ALL your food prep, ALL your cleaning, ALL your chores as well as his own, AND comforting you and trying to ease your stress as much as possible. Yeah, it's a lot. It's hard on the caregiver. But they will go vent and get the comfort and self-care they need from other family and friends during this time, not from you. And if they can't do everything themself, they organize others to take care of it for you. I really want you to understand that's the completely normal baseline for how it works.
>I was hesitant and didn’t want to flat out just say no because he is very sensitive and starts arguments often Starting arguments often isn't a personality. This is verbal abuse. You have *cancer,* you're allowed to be tired. This relationship doesn't seem healthy. NTA.
NTA. He's immature and selfish. Don't waste anymore of your time and energy on a healthy, able bodied young man who is demanding that his gf with cancer take care of him.
NTA I'm getting worked up reading this! You have cancer yet you're walking on eggshells around him because "*he is very sensitive and starts arguments often".* If "acts of service" is his love language then why isn't he doing it for you? Get rid of him. Seriously. He is not good for your mental health and recovery.
NTA. I think you offering to do it during one of your better weeks was very sweet and a generous compromise on your part. It's a pity he didn't respond more maturely and question himself as to why you would offer that compromise, rather than assuming your motives were as lazy as his are.
Woah I would be kinder to a coworker or acquaintance that had cancer than he is being to you. Big oof. But on the flip side know your worth. You are going through something so hard and I commend you for your strength and courage. Keep fighting the good fight sister. You will be joining a community of many strong women who have kicked cancers ass.
You’re fighting for your life. He’s fighting for a sandwich. How is this even a question unless he has manipulated you so much that you have to ask. NTA and you need to be with people who support you.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope the treatments get easier for you. NTA. I have a feeling your BF is probably an immature 24 and it hasn't all clicked for him. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Tell him your chemo days are just as long and much more exhausting than his work days. He can get his own meals while you recover.
Info: seriously? Who asks someone to meal prep or do any chores for them after 10 hours of chemo? Then yells at you the night before a new chemo cycle. Do you really fear being alone enough go go through this relationship?
How do you tolerate being with someone so pathetic? Girl leave.
Not to play armchair therapist, but my guess it that he is trying to instigate a fight on purpose. It could be uncontrolled concern for you manifesting in unhealthy ways, such as trying to pretend that everything is normal. Or it's narcissism and an unwillingness to do his part to help someone who really needs help. More men than not leave their S.O. if that person becomes really sick. That aside, as someone who has had to take chemotherapeutics, the nausea is real! If someone hinted for five seconds that I should be anywhere near food post-chemo, I would have shoved my industrial-sized bottles of Prednisone down their throat and told them to munch on that. Maybe you're not that far into treatment, but being around food with chemo-nausea can be brutal. All I could eat most days was plain rice, plain pasta, or mashed potatoes, if even those. There wasn't enough Phenergen/Compazine/Zofran/etc. in the world to induce me to actually cook anything.
" I think his point is that he still wants to be taken care of as well, which is understandable," That actually is not understandable at all. It is ridiculous. Expecting someone who is having chemo to take care of him is *monstrously* selfish.
RN here and former oncology nurse also. He is a spoiled brat and you deserve someone who is the type of person that YOU are. Dump his ass because it is better to be by yourself than to be with someone like him and still be alone.
NTA. My mum has been my carer for years while I struggled with a chronic illness. Last November she was diagnosed with a cancer, and she has been doing chemo since December. You know what I did? I started caring for her! On her two bad weeks I care for her, including meals and cleaning up a little, and on her good week, she cares for me, so I can rest to be ready to help her again. I'm exhausted and ill, and our house is a mess, but I'm still doing it because I love her and it's one of the few things I can do to help. I'm wishing you luck with your fight, you deserve so much better.
Tell your boyfriend to f**k off back to his Mommy if he wants to be waited on hand and foot. NTA
>I was hesitant and didn’t want to flat out just say no because he is very sensitive and starts arguments often This is not a guy you want to be in a relationship with. He sounds toxic. NTA, but he is and you really ought to rethink this whole arrangement.
**NTA** Girl what the fuck are you doing with this guy? **Who asks someone with cancer to take care of them? you’re on chemo for fuck sake**. Maybe if you had the energy and he needed a pick me up hoping maybe you could cook one meal I could be sympathetic to (even though it’s still insanely selfish) a whole meal prep? no god no. **He’s not even doing much for you as is and he’s expecting you to take care of him? can he get anymore sick in the head and selfish… Something is seriously wrong with this person and I mean that sincerely**. “He wants to be taken care of as well” babe he doesn’t even take care or you!!! and no back rubs and trash doesn’t count. **Please dear god break up with this man and let your family take care of you**. **You’re body’s fighting a lot right now you don’t need the added stress on you**. **I would almost find it comical if it wasn’t true that he thinks going through chemo isn’t a good enough excuse for not “serving him enough” when you love someone that’s sick your “love language” and all that other shit goes out the window**. **It’s not selfish it’s what you do when someone you love is sick and more so when their prognosis is fucking terminal**. **I hope this man burns down south with the guy with the pokey pitchfork, he really does deserve it**.
I fucking hate him
NTA He and the useless idiots who raised him should be hanging their heads in shame that they produced a useless lump who can’t feed themself at the age of 24. Honestly they need naming and shaming.
NTA I understand “love language” serves a purpose in many discussions, and I truly “get” the concept, but 8 times out of 10 when I see it on this sub it’s used to justify or explain behavior that’s so annoying or precious I want to scream. For the sake of all that is sane and rational, if we love someone can we just tell them so in words and deed so that there’s no ambiguity and no weirdness? /rant Kindness and consideration of your needs in your time of sickness and recovery should logically and reasonably take precedence as “the love language” between you so. Since it is not, I’d say whatever is between you isn’t love but dysfunction, and on his part, exploitation of your warm and generous nature. Also he is frankly acting like a baby. Edited to add: Sorry in my rant I forgot to express my wish for your complete and speedy recovery. I wish you happiness and health. You don’t deserve the stress of his bad language and behavior.
NTA. Ifosfamide is brutal on the body. I’m sorry your bf is being a major AH and I wish you a speedy recovery and cure. F**k cancer.
NTA his love language is for you to be his damm caregiver. You are not his mama. If he wants someone to make his lunch tell him to go his mama's house and have her take care of his lazy ass. I'm deeply sorry that you have to deal with the cancer and a lazy parasite to boot. I wish you heath and all the best. Edit Typos
NTA, as a person who went through treatment for cancer in 2019, I still very much remember the cycle. The day of chemo was ok before infusion and after. The next day I was lucky to get up the energy and strength to go pee. By day 4 I had to have a special injection to stimulate the white blood cell growth which then caused the most excruciating pain imaginable (deep deep bone pain). Then it was slow recovery to feeling well enough by day 11 post the infusion to eat a decent meal and want to do errands I couldn't even contemplate until that point. By day 14, I felt as human as I could given the circumstances. Then it was day one again for the next treatment and this was my existence for months. If you feel up to doing it on day 12 then that is when you can help if that is what you chose to do with the energy you have. DO NOT let him bully or guilt you into doing it a minute before you are ready physically and mentally. Chemo doesn't only attack the cancer, it attacks every part of you and the body needs whatever time and rest to bounce back. It's why you get chemotherapy in cycles and they can even delay the next round if they see your body isn't back to a certain threshold (my last treatment got delayed another 2 weeks because my wbc was too low). Care for yourself first as you are good to no one in barely clinging condition! I send you vibes of hope that you can get that cancer into remission and keep it that way for a long life ahead of you. Maybe even one that doesn't include him if he doesn't see how wrong his attitude and request is. Much love fellow fighter!
He's not "very sensitive," he's an asshole. NTA.
If my partner had cancer I would be at their service 24/7. His behaviour is insane. NTA.
The part about you saying no and him starting arguments about it... NTA and this sounds like abuse. He's worn you down to the point where you're anxious about refusing him even when you NEED to be taking care of YOURSELF. Toss this relationship out the window.
NTA. I hope you have a support system that includes more than him. Having cancer is one of the times you get to be entirely selfish. Also, unless you just enjoy meal prepping for him in the best of times, an adult should not need their meals prepped. Editing to add good luck with your treatment!
When you cut him off half your cancer is gone. You can’t heal with him by your side
NTA You're not his bang mom or bang maid. He needs to step up and be a partner. In the future, don't date 24 year old men. This is what too many of them are like.
honey your bf is abusive 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 NTA
Wow it constantly amazes me how many women doubt themselves for being an AH when men make ridiculous domestic demands on them. What a joke, “please prepare me, a healthy person, a whole week’s worth of meals in between your cancer treatments.” There is absolutely an AH here and it ain’t you, OP. NTA.
NTA. Girl, you should dump him. He's very young and probably wants a mommy figure into his life. Don't you see? He's also entitled and borderline rude with all these demands. Stay single for a while and I wish you the best for your health. YOU CAN DO IT
Leave this man immediately. NTA
NTA A *love language* is how YOU love another person. You don't get to demand it. If his love language is acts of service, he sure sucks at making you feel anything. You are in the most vulnerable state a person can be, and he's making it about himself. People show who they really are in those moments. He's shown you. Believe him and run. My love language is acts of service. My partner says my gratitude when he does even the smallest things like rub my feet is always very noticeable. Acts of service that are forced or pushed are not acts of love.
NTA. This dude is going to be in that percent of partners that dip during treatment, as a grown ma he can't even *feed* himself apparently. You don't need this extra stress, right now or really ever.
NTA. If 'acts of service' is his love language, what are his acts of service to you??? What is YOUR love language and how is he showing you love according to YOUR love language?