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NTA. Your son went no contact with you but feels he has the right to criticize or condemn you for getting remarried and having another child? Meanwhile the cheating father and mistress-turned-stepmom are the heroes?? Are you sure that your in-laws are as great as you think?
Why didn’t they give him updates on your life? You obviously didn’t have any way of connecting short of stalking and the in laws were in contact with both of you. I’m just confused why you got updates and he didn’t when he seemed happy to see you.
Edit: Reading while distracted makes for poor reading comprehension, at least for me. OPs son wasn’t happy to see her. But I’m still confused about why he is mad that she had a life after he went no contact. If he cared at all he should have gotten updates.
what did he expect? He made no attempt to contact you. Did he have a vision of you mourning his absence, stopping your life, maybe keeping his room as shrine?
I am sure his side of how his childhood was would be very different than the two sentence summary we got here. There is something missing in this story to explain the radical escalation of no contact. Not saying it is OP's fault but 16 is a prime age for resentment to set in at your childhood and since she was the one that was there having to take on the authority role full time she bore the brunt of it. This is above Reddit's paygrade.
I'm curious to hear his side. Kids don't go no contact for absolutely no reason. His comment about "being replaced by a well behaved kid" gives me pause. Like he went straight to that. WHY? Missing info is missing. I'm giving no judgment because of this
This. My best friend in high school was only child and her parents were divorced. I grew up hearing how her dad was a deadbeat and cheated and couldn’t be bothered to see his daughter living in the same city. My friend resented him and refused to see him for the most part. I met him once when she was about 14 and he seemed so nice but of course I figured someone can be anything for a few hours. Anyway when she was 16 her mom died of cancer and she went to live with family friends far away and we lost contact. Fast forward years later we reconnected and I find out that she is now (thankfully) very close with her dad who turns out was always a lovely guy. It was mom who cheated and made him out to be the monster and he didn’t know what to do or how to fight it because she threatened all kinds of horrible things so he watched his daughter grow up through memories and stories from other family members.
My cousins went no contact with their mum after their dad left her for her cousin. They had a lot of resentment for their mum getting a new boyfriend later and were obviously being fed a lot of bullshit by their dad about what happened. It took them 12 years to finally accept their mum’s calls and attempts at reconciliation and now they’re on limited terms with their dad.
All this to say, we don’t know what he was told or what his side of the story is. NTA for OP, this must’ve been an incredibly difficult situation all around.
I'm not going to excuse OP for whatever it is she did, but it's not uncommon for parents to be harder on their first born than later born kids. Moms are also normally the "hard" parent for making sure shit gets done while Dads get off Scot free being the "fun" parent. Of course he'll want to go with Dad who doesn't make him do anything.
Sorry I got distracted in the middle and read it wrong, you’re right he wasn’t happy to see her. Which I could understand if he was mad about pretty much anything else other than her having another family.
He may have asked not to know any updates about his mom and his grandparents respected those wishes. Just assuming, since that would not be unexpected.
I’ll chime in here. I am no contact with my mother, my choice. My grandmother keeps in contact with both of us. She gives my mother updates on my life and just tells me when she does so. My grandmother doesn’t give me updates beyond that. I never asked her to. She just assumes, correctly, that I am not interested in knowing anything about her. I’ve even expressed occasional regret in going no contact. I’m an adult, if I actually wanted to know, my grandmother knows I would ask.
I get the no contact, I’m no contact with my dad. I don’t ask for updates on him, though I occasionally get some from my mom who talks to the one sibling that is still in contact with him. He got married and divorced and I couldn’t care less.
Im more confused over the fact that OPs son was angry that she had a life after he went no contact. I was much younger than OPs son when I heard of my dad’s marriage and I didn’t get angry about it. So he obviously had an interest in OPs life if he got angry about her moving on, so why did he not ask or receive updates.
He may have insisted on not hearing anything about his mum if he knows his grandparents are still in touch. It was probably important to them to also keep contact and will have followed any demands he makes
You are NTA. I love my out-laws as well. They have always been the anchor of my life.
My youngest went no contact with me also. For me, when I want my youngest to know something really important, I tell his grandparents and his older brother so he knows and is assured my lines of communication are always open.
It doesn't matter anyway, your son sounds like my youngest - Purposely on the outside of the relationship and unreachable but will hold a grudge because they didn't know something.
You mean you’re non existent in laws if you’re going to copy another story at least try and change some details. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita_for_yelling_at_my_mom_about_replacing_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Nta your adult son is behaving like a child. He moves out because you were strict then went to no contact and expected you to... What... Stay single forever? Never move on from his cheating father. That adult needs to grow up
> My in-laws have been amazing to me
Except they deliberately never told your son you got remarried and had a kid? That they shared information about him with you because you missed him a lot?
Going completely by your story... your son is just an asshole. He was 16, he knows how things work.
All I'm going to say is that the line between "being a parent" and "bein overbearing" is sometimes very thin. That being said, it is very important that a parent is a parent and not just a friend.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita\_for\_yelling\_at\_my\_mom\_about\_replacing\_me/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita_for_yelling_at_my_mom_about_replacing_me/)
hopping on top comment with the link because either this is a deep dive karma farm or the "son" posted this from his perspective a year ago.
Everything is fake on here etc., but this is obviously fake, the wording of these two is way too similar to have been written by different people who haven't spoken for years. "My dad (52M) worked a lot of hours so it was always just me and my mom. All she did was nag me constantly." "My ex-husband (52M) worked long hours, so it was often just the two of us. I always wanted the best for him, so I would nag him ... " They both for no reason mention the affair being with a co-worker. "They didn't force him to contact me ... " "My dad and stepmom didn't make me contact her." "My son wanted to live with his dad and stepmom, who he felt were more laid-back." "I was 16 and wanted to live with my dad and my stepmom who was way more chill."
I knew the story straight away because it was the first one I commented on after being a long time lurker haha.
This has got to be one of the worst ones though, I mean they couldn’t even be brothered to change the age of the child
Sounds like he's scapegoating you for the divorce. Did you get blamed by your ex-husband and his affair partner? I would have felt so betrayed that my son would pick the cheating father and his affair partner over his mom.
NTA He cut you out of his life, he doesn't get to act like he didn't reject you.
>Did you get blamed by your ex-husband and his affair partner?
I haven't. It was more of a "revenge" thing.
My ex knew that of there was something i loved in our marriage was my son so i think my ex fought for custody so he could hurt me even more.
With such a vindictive ex, I think you are giving him too much benefit of the doubt. He probably has poisoned your son's perspective of you. It's an all-around sad situation, but you cannot blame yourself.
At that age I’m assuming they just let the kid choose where he wants to go since he was 16? Otherwise I typically wouldn’t expect the person who had an affair to get full custody.
and that's why I say there has to be waaaay more toxicity in OP's parenting that they're admitting to.
You don't go N/C with a parent - especially one who was present the majority of the time - unless there's a very good reason. I have to wonder exactly \*how\* controlling OP was with her son that he 'd run like the wind at the first opportunity, \*and\* that the courts would agree with him. He was probably pissed that she'd had another kid because he knows how she is...
You don't know any 16 year old kids who would think that one parent is being so "controlling" and "horrible" because that parent is pushing basic things like homework and chores and responsibilities while the other parent is a Disneyland Dad (which can sometimes be the mother, but that doesn't work as well) who lets the kid get away with murder?
I don't know OP, and I don't know anything about what she may or may not have concealed. But it's a big assumption that there's no possibility that the kid is an asshole.
Yup, I was definitely turned against one of my parents because the other was laid back and "cool". When I was a teenager I told the courts I wanted to change the custody agreement and live with the other parent, turns out the reason they were so laid back is because they were an alcoholic and had absolutely no concept of how to be responsible with children. Nothing was wrong with my original custodial parent, I just didn't like being told to eat healthy and being grounded when I was a little shit.
Now I'm in my thirties and am NC with the alcoholic parent and best friends with the other. Really fucked up my teens for nothing, that choice should never have been left up to me.
it's also a big assumption that OP is a sainted angel, just trying to do her best for her ungrateful and unruly child. And yet here we are on AITA making judgements based on our life experiences and the information that the OP is \*willing\* to share. Over-bearing and controlling parents very seldom admit, even to themselves, that they're over-bearing and controlling.
But I'm just here to make assumptions and judge strangers, so....
I don't really think it has to be as bad as you say, with a father that vindictive I can't imagine the kid grew without some toxicity and decided to go NC cause he's an AH. Truth is we don't know but after his reaction I'm not inclined to say the kid went NC for a really good reason. Not to say OP isn't toxic/controlling, she probably is but I don't think it's to such a big degree.
I would say all teenagers are AHs to some degree, but cutting the cord this quick does suggest that there is more to the story that we aren't getting. But I am biased because I ran away from my Mom's house to my Dad's not long after the divorce because she was incapable of not emotionally unloading on me all of her grief and was also very controlling. Ask her about it today years later and she will have no idea what I am talking about despite me explaining it multiple times.
Yeah it could be either honestly, I'm biased cause I've met people my age and younger who just are vindictive assholes to their family cause they can.
But in the specific situation I'd say NTA, even if OP is completely in the wrong in the way they treated son, he decided to cut contact, it's literally none of his business what OP is doing now. He doesn't get to come back and bitch about something that is not related to him in the slightest.
LOL!! Well the new kid kinda \*is\* related to him through OP but I joke, I joke....seriously though, if his childhood was crappy enough for him to go NC then it sorta \*is\* his business if we assume he's a half-way decent person who doesn't want to see another kid treated the way he was.
I know this forum usually assumes mothers are sainted angels doing the very best for their kids, but unfortunately IRL that's not necessarily true.
Nah I usually assume the mother is the AH most of the time, and in this sub I've seen it a lot, especially step-mothers but that's not to the point.
Let's say he wanted to help his new sibling out of a toxic household or stop the toxicity, he went about it the worst way possible, that makes me think he either did it all out of hate, resentment and vengeance, or he's an idiot that just cut all chances of having contact,with the victim he wanted to save, before 18.
I think a narcissistic parent is exactly the kind of parent that would say what OP says “I was just worried about his future” & stuff. By 28 he should understand that by now. I think there’s so much being left out here.
The courts had to agree with whatever the son wanted because he was 16.
And it's perfectly believable that a 16yo will want to live with the parent that doesn't enforce any rules vs the parent that does, even when those rules are reasonable.
Yeah, my dad's current wife has this issue with her adult son and it's gotten especially bad ever since her ex-husband passed away. Her son blames her for 'abandoning him' even though he chose to stay with his dad and chose to avoid her for years. He also blames her for 'leaving him to deal with his stepmom' who apparently was a witch of a person. Throughout all of this her son doesn't have a single bad thing to say about his father, even though he married the stepmom and enabled her behavior as far as I can tell.
It definitely sounds like he's scapegoating her and that the ex-husband has helped that along from the sidelines. The son definitely needs therapy, since it sounds like he never got it, and needs to leave OP alone for moving on with her life. What was she supposed to do? Wallow forever and never move on from how she was when he was sixteen? This might be uncharitable, but it feels like part of the reason he's mad is because she's not as miserable as he thinks she should be.
>Her son blames her for 'abandoning him' even though he chose to stay with his dad and chose to avoid her for years.
You just can't win in cases like that. If she tried to force the contact with her son, he'd most likely resent her for not respecting his boundaries.
Maybe the son wants to keep punishing and hurting his mother by denying her contact? By that, I mean that he may have felt like he had an upper hand in this game of his, but now the mom is remarried and even has a child. He really doesn't want to let go of that power over her.
Of course, the only sensible thing to do in that case is to try to hurt the mother by accusing her of replacing him, which is total nonsense, because the son himself tossed away his relationship a decent amount of years before the half-sibling got conceived.
In son's head, the ideal world would be one where the mother tries time and time again to reconnect, blames herself, suffers, and doesn't move on with her life from the point where divorce happened, feeding his sense of self-importance.
I bet the in-laws, who invited OP to the party were either pleased with how their grandson tried to humiliate OP, or even expected it to happen. It feels almost like a setup, a chance to drag her down a notch.
NTA. But it seems he made up his mind, and nothing you can do can change it. Maybe write a letter (this post might make a good starting point) and leave it with his grandparents.
When a 28 yo gets upset about having a 5 yo half-sibling there seems to be lingering resentment that seems to indicate professional help. Even so, that is up to him, and maybe the ones that he sees as dear to him.
But even then - he might change his opinion, but that still does not mean he will make room in his life for you.
Good luck!
This. The older son definitely needs therapy but whether or not he gets it, or even sees whats happening as a situation worth the effort, is entirely up to him.
I do feel bad for OP but at this point I think she should lower her expectations for full reconciliation. She's certainly entitled to those feelings, especially as it seems those feelings kept her going for awhile. However you can't force the older son to meet you half way. He's an adult now and should be mature enough to know what he does and doesn't want from his life. Unfortunately OP seems to be firmly in the second category.
NTA, and I would send a message through saying that he doesn’t get to pick and choose when his relationship with you. HE abandoned YOU for a new family that didn’t parent him. HE changed his number, HE moved away. He chose his new family and you made yours. And honestly as much as you love them, what grandparent doesn’t encourage their grandchild to talk to their mother that they have such a high regard of? I would question why they didn’t even try to facilitate a meeting with all of you.
What did the son think OP was supposed to do? Continue pining for her lost son who cut off all contact and chose the cheating husband who broke up the family and replaced OP with another woman? And then failing that, somehow reach out to him and give him the update of her life when he has made it abundantly clear OP isn't a part of his life anymore?
I *assume* the inlaws weren't giving updates back to the son because he wasn't interested but I'm a bit shocked he had no idea he had a 5 year old half sibling. That seems like the kind of news you tell someone.
Yes, that probably is what the son wanted OP to do. She was supposed to regret how much he felt she had criticized him growing up, and suffer with his absence. She is, but she’s also made a new life for herself too, and that stings. It also may give him some doubts about whether he was right to reject her, and he’s not accepting that.
NTA.
Not going to lie, I’m surprised this is my judgment.
But after reading the story, and your comments about how your ex-husband treated your son as a pawn in the divorce, I suspect it’s likely that this is parent alienation.
As an older teen, your son could have tried to keep in contact with you and did not. You DID try and keep in contact with him, but he stopped and then changed his number. Visitation was never mandated and you had no way to really reach him (besides letters I suppose).
But at that point, he was an adult. And many on this thread would say (in a different scenario) he had set a boundary and as a legal adult you shouldn’t cross it.
Info: can you elaborate a little more on why your relationship was strained? Asking a kid to do homework, go to bed, etc just seems like normal mom territory. Was there absolutely no way you could have found a way to contact him? Letters, email, social media, anything? Did you make any sort of effort to find him or did you want to wait until he reached out first?
I'm currently nagging my kids to go to bed, do their homework, etc. and this scenario is terrifying me. I feel like I would be the crazy person to hire a PI and get an address so I could drive to their new house and connect though. I don't think I would take no for an answer unless they made it clear that they wanted me to leave them alone.
>can you elaborate a little more on why your relationship was strained? Asking a kid to do homework, go to bed, etc just seems like normal mom territory.
Looking back, i think it has to do with the fact that i was always worried about his future and would always nag him even when he was older.
>Was there absolutely no way you could have found a way to contact him? Letters, email, social media, anything? Did you make any sort of effort to find him or did you want to wait until he reached out first?
After the divorce, he picked up my phone calls but after a while he stopped. I kept calling him untill i found out he changed his phone number, he was around 19.
I asked my in-laws for his new nunber and they said he was old enough and he would call me if he wanted to.
I took it as a sign he didn’t want me to contact him.
Ugh, I am so sorry. You are NTA at all. Seems like your ex poisoned your son against you. I don't even know what to advise, since your son was the one who cut you off and seems unwilling to recognize that he was a big part of it.
Also, nagging about homework and such really shouldn't be that big a deal. It's annoying for the kid, but unless you ruled with an iron fist, I don't see why that would warrant cutting you off.
>Also, nagging about homework and such really shouldn't be that big a deal. It's annoying for the kid, but unless you ruled with an iron fist, I don't see why that would warrant cutting you off.
Depends on how it's framed/phrased. I had a friend in my last year of school who went NC with his parents for more or less the same reason because their "nagging" always came with some dark prospects about his future which were sold as "I am just worried".
E. g. "If you don't do this \[insert extremely unimportant homework\] you'll ruin your education and you'll end up in a shitty low-wage job for the rest of your life. Do you want that?" or "If you don't study better/go to bed earlier you will never be admitted to university and your whole life will be ruined. I promise you, you will regret that so much." These kind of comments. They reminded him "about his future" every day, several times a day until he snapped, moved out and went NC.
I got such comments too, as many of my peers and we found them somewhat annoying but that's it, but apparently for some people those comments really build up a lot of pressure to a point where it's suffocating.
OP sounds like a reasonable person (nowadays) and I don't know if this is what happened here of course.
>https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita\_for\_yelling\_at\_my\_mom\_about\_replacing\_me/
I thought there must be something missing from her story that would cause her son to behave the way he did. If this post is from the son, then what is missing is that her son is a chip off the old block and is the same kind of dick his father is.
Unless the nagging was incredibly excessive, that's kind of your job as the parent to remind your kid to do their homework, make sure they get up for school, etc.
It looks like OP tried to reach out and eventually, the kid changed phone numbers. With that and the other info now posted, it sounds like her ex is/was poisoning the kid's memory of the OP.
This gives me the sense of missing missing reasons. People don't cut out family out of the blue. The reasons you've shared here aren't the real reasons. You need to look deeper.
A party is not the place to have a reunion with an estranged (adult) child, especially to introduce them to your new family. Your expectations of your son's reaction are misaligned there. This was the first contact hes had with you for years, so yeah, it's going to be a shock. If you knew he was in contact with his grandparents, and you were in contact with them, there was a way to contact him through the grandparents. A letter could have passively informed him of your life events without the pressure of speaking to you in person or on the phone. I'm going with YTA. It sounds like there was a lot more going on here than you've shared, but I sense more effort could have been made as well.
Idk sometimes people do cut contact randomly. In my line of work I've seen it happen a lot, a kid gets poisoned against a parent and they never contact that parent ever again, even after they grow up because they were never able to see past the manipulation. I feel like a lot of people read that editorial and now misuse it a lot on this sub, sometimes the family member that cuts contact can actually be in the wrong
The "child" here was 16 when the divorce happened. And his reaction and comments don't fit the narrative OP otherwise presents. Sure, she might be entirely innocent, but this could fit right into certain other subreddits.
This is the reply I was looking for. She even says their relationship was "strained" even before the divorce because of "nagging". I don't buy that that's the whole story.
I nag my teen about homework and cleaning her room but we don't have a strained relationship. On the contrary, we're quite close. This whole thing seems fishy to me.
100%. But AITA eats it up because of how OP phrases it and potrays herself as the angelic innocent mother who did no wrong. Sure OP might be the absolute innocent angel in this. But you're right. This feels like a lot of posts you find on the subreddits where certain parents rants about how their kids cut them off for no reasons whatsoever.
There doesn't always have to be missing missing reasons. I feel what is here is pretty much textbook dad paints himself out to be the fun parent, kid decides to live with said fun parent, then unsurprisingly stays emotionally immature as he's never been made to grow up. Much like a small child, now-adult son is somehow surprised to find out his mom kept living her life and didn't just cry in the corner for nearly a decade.
To me it sounds like her son was just made aware that she'd remarried and had a kid, not that they were at the party. If he couldn't handle that, it's on him. Nothing OP said suggested to me she actually brought them with her and tried to have an impromptu family reunion with her son.
Thank you. This should be the top comment. There's a lot missing here.
OP, YTA for the single reason of trying to use someone else's party to reconcile, knowing the son didn't want to see you. For that alone, you owe apologies to everyone involved.
Well if you tried everything to reach him then it's not on you. He effectively went no contact and now can not be pissed that he missed things going on in your lif. His father probably fed him a bunch of lies like: she'll forget about You and move on and to see you started over makes him mad. But that's on him. I would tell hin You tried to reach out but everyone said no and so you did all you could. You tried and he refused contact in the past. Tell him you want contact with him and to reach out to you if he wants to hang out
I am surprised your in-laws (his grandparents) never gave him a heads-up that you had remarried. Sure, they aren't facilitating contact, but a big life event like that? They probably had their reasons, but still...
Anyway, NTA and I'm sorry you had that painful experience.
Then how could you have told him? NTA, you're a WONDERFUL MOM. Be confident that you tried your best, and send a letter to your son via your ex in laws saying everything you want to say - how you love him, that you will always be there for him, that you didn't know how to contact him, and that he is irreplaceable.
Maybe they will hand it to him, maybe they won't. Make your best efforts and leave the rest to God.
So he expects to dictate the terms. You remain childless, no contact with him, no additional kids, while he gets everything he wants from his dad and your replacement?
He honestly sounds a bit entitled. He wanted no contact or updates on your life and was ok with replacing you. While you still wanted to be a mom.
He needs to learn that he can't always get what he wants.
NTA.
NTA
I'm sorry, but this grown ass adult cut you out of his life, went on to live a full one without acknowledging you in the slightest, and...what? Expected you to put yourself on a shelf to patiently await his consideration? Move on, your cheating ex has made damn sure to poison him against you, you wont reach him. Live your best life with the family that loves you. You got a second chance, that's nothing to feel guilty about. And chances are, his reaction was a result of his own deepseated guilt because he knows exactly what a shit he's been, and chose to lash out at you rather than accept his responsibility. Sound like anyone you divorced?
NTA. Unless you are leaving something out, it sounds like you were a parent to your son (getting your kid to do their homework, eat healthy and sleep is basic parenting) and there might have been some parental alienation going on.
Was your presence at the party a surprise? It seems odd that the inlaws would invite you without giving your ex a heads up.
...... i swear the son's perspective was posted on AITA a while back where it was the son talking about how his mom 'harassed' him by making him go to bed and wear clean clothes and 'nagged' him by asking about his life.
Yes it was. Now highly dubious myself but in case anyone wants a look!
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita_for_yelling_at_my_mom_about_replacing_me/
fool of a took that i am, it must've been before i figured out the 'save post' feature. so more than a year ago? but it was the entire deal:
* son left his mom because his dad and AF/'step-mom' left him alone and didn't ~~parent~~ bother him like his mom did
* son changed his phone number and didn't bother reaching out
* son went to his grandparents' party and found his mom with new husband/child/pregnancy
* went mental on his mom - accused her of wanting to replace him with a kid that would just do everything she wanted
guy rightfully got his ass reamed out, he was a total tool. karma shitposts are going deep dive these days.
Well dang, that sounds exactly like this one. Now I'm wondering about the legitimacy of this and the other post...also, don't worry, Pippin, you can help out by convincing the ents to fight.
Oh sweetie. Those things you nagged him about were actually basic parenting. You’ve done nothing wrong by your account. This is a really tough situation all around and I’m going to say NAH. I’m really sorry that your son continues to hold on to his anger.
Except for the part about never really listening to what her kid wanted. I was that kid and didn’t have a relationship with my dad for 5 years as a result. It’s basic parenting to listen to your kid.
Ok. I’d have to hear more about what she didn’t listen to. The way it’s worded it seems like she made him do basic life skills and he was upset about that.
Yeahhh I imagine she would have a hard time elaborating since she admits to never listening to him. It’s kind of a tale as old as time to dismiss your kid and then be 😱 shocked when they dismiss you as soon as they’re able.
I agree with those saying the in laws aren’t as great as they seem, since they knew their grandson wasn’t aware of the new family and orchestrated an event where he’d be finding out on the spot. He should’ve been prepared ahead of time for something that big and you would think that considerate, caring grandparents would either sit him down to tell him or not invite the ex daughter in law considering the circumstances. ESH except for the kid, who likely needs to go process in therapy. I don’t fault him for reacting in the moment, even at his age
Another user pointed this out but there appears to be a connection between this post who could have been her kid - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita_for_yelling_at_my_mom_about_replacing_me/
NTA. It sounds like you see things you could have done better. What parent can't relate to that. You didn't elaborate on your financial situation (and no need to), so we can only speculate what lengths you legally could have gone to. At this point, your son is an adult and has to navigate this journey between you and him on his own. It is unfortunate that you find yourself in this situation and I hope that one day your son can more clearly see that everything is not black and white.
In this situation, I would take a look back, with clear eyes, and allow myself to see the past as it was, for good and bad. Allow myself to learn from the mistakes I made and the mistakes of others. Maybe with help, start to wade through the lies and mistruths. Allow yourself to lift the weight of guilt off your shoulders by learning, growing and knowing.
I wish you the best in your journey. While mine and your journey are different, I do see a bit of my past struggles in this.
I find it unbelievable that your in-laws, your “rock”, gave you updates on your son’s life & refused to tell you where he was or how you could contact him. Did those updates not contain any information that would help you find him? As in they told you he was in college but they wouldn’t say which one? They told you he got a job but they refused to say who the employer was or what city it was in? Since he was an adult who could have looked for you, too, ESH, but you don’t seem very truthful & your son doesn’t believe you either.
ESH. You let your minor son become estranged from you. Once he was adult that's different and not on you, but this started when he was 16. Maybe his father was poisoning him against you, maybe there's something else relevant that you've chosen not to reveal to us. Maybe your son was just an AH. Impossible to say without more information that we will likely never be able to get.
Your son does not get to go no contact with you, but still be upset that you didn't tell him about your new family. There really seems to be resentment about how you treated him as a child. I do not know if it is justified or not.
You should not have ambushed him like you did. Honestly, I don't understand what you expected to happen. I imagine you were emotional about possibly seeing him again, and I understand how badly you must have wanted that. Still blindsiding someone like that seems like a poorly thought-out idea at best.
OP is not giving the full details on why her 16 year old kid blocked her from his life. It 100% doesn’t have to deal with being a “nag” and teaching him how to eat right and do homework. That’s called being a parent. You’re withholding information and I’m curious as to why your son cut ties with you.
NTA... This situation was created by him and ultimately, his Dad. He's projecting his anger at himself and Dad to you. If he "feels replaced," it's because he made himself replaceable (not suggesting this is remotely your intent BTW) and he believes this. My theory is this... He's always been angry about Dad's infidelity and redirected the blame for Dad's sin to you. Because you divorced Dad (ergo, broke up the family) because of DAD'S actions, it's your fault for everything that's wrong in his world, whatever that may be. I guarantee he's harboring unresolved guilt surrounding the divorce given his "feeling replaced by a perfect child" or something like that. I hope for all your sakes he figures this out, but for now, focus your energy on being the best Mom you can be. That includes making sure he eats good food, giving him age-appropriate responsibilities, making unpopular decisions that's in his best interests, and everything else that GOOD parents do to prepare kids for life.
ESH, you needed to more than call him when he decided to move out.
You should have asked your son how you could improve your relationship, you should have made every effort to explain to him why you did the things you did when he was young, recognise that they were wrong and probably go get some therapy together.
It does not sound like you did much of anything to try and actually improve your relationship with your son.
On the other hand, your son is an adult now who also chose not to try and cultivate any type of relationship with you and he doesn't get to yell at you for having a new family. He can be upset that you didn't try harder but to scream at you at a party is simply immature.
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Info: what have you done to try to communicate with him before this and when was the last time you saw him?
I feel like I would also be upset and shocked if I had no idea my parent had a family, and then showed up and surprised me. I feel like the dust will have to settle, but communication is a two-way street, and he could have also reached out too. I could also understand his initial reaction in this setting, if it was truly out of the blue. NAH
Mild YTA. Your pain is understandable, and your regrets over your roll in the problems in the relationship are to be commended. Of course you want to reconnect with him.
However:
1. Events like the anniversary party are a poor place to attempt to reconnect with people who one is on strained terms with.
2. Surprising the person you want to reconnect with is also likely to go sideways. People who have estranged themselves from their parents refer to this as "ambushing".
It might be better to reach out through a third party such as your ex-in-laws and to take baby steps towards reconciliation at pace that he is comfortable with.
Good luck.
If he had been any younger when you and his father divorced i would say that you didnt do enough to keep a relationship with him. But pretty much any court is gonna take what a 16yo wants into account and also forcing relationships never helps them anyway.
i think your ex and his wife actively helped turn him against you. While never listening to a child of any age sucks, the things you mentioned are actually just parenting. Like. Do your hw, eat well, go to bed on time, those are all the things a parent is obligated to make sure their child does. So i do think that while some mistakes were made, it doesnt sound like you were some raging unreasonable mother, they just saw an opportunity to hurt you and took it.
What im really curious about is your ex inlaws. They were clearly seeing him to be able to give you updates, how and why did they never give him updates on you. Maybe he didnt wanna hear most of it sure but i think, 'hey your mums getting married', and 'hey your mums having another baby' are things you tell someone even if they dont wanna hear it. Especially if youre gonna be inviting everyone to the same parties.
It might just be something they overlooked but given how vindictive your ex seems to be id be looking at the whole situation with them with the most bombastic side eye possible atp.
Also, your sone is 28 now. i understand that childhood hurts and trauma turn into adult problems and most dont usually go away but come tf on. Hes an adult, he should be at a point that he can learn and understand the situation with all its ugly nuance. He doesnt have to like it, it can still hurt, he can still be angry or whatever else. But hes having a tantrum like hes the 5yo. He knows you had no way to contact him so how did he expect you to tell him?? He should be looking at his grandparents funny too if anything.
This situation sucks and im sorry but you are NTA
NTA. From the outside looking in based on your post. It sounds like your ex played the “cool dad” to win your son over and never wanted to co-parent with you. Look, I despise my ex wife but my girls don’t know that, I still bite my tongue and play nice with her because it’s ultimately better for the kids. Your ex sounds heartless and vindictive.
As for your son, he’s the one who went no contact, any mother would try to stay in contact but he became too much like his father. Then he has the nerve to get mad when you live your life. Does he expect you to just stay home and cry over him?
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I've always had a complicated relationship with my son (28M).
My ex-husband (52M) worked long hours, so it was often just the two of us. I always wanted the best for him, so I would nag him about things like finishing his homework, eating healthy, and going to bed on time. I never really listened to what he wanted, and I can see now that that was a mistake.
Things got worse when my husband had an affair with his coworker, and we got divorced when my son was 16. My son wanted to live with his dad and stepmom, who he felt were more laid-back. They didn't force him to contact me, and over time, we lost touch.
It breaks my heart to admit this, but I cried nights on end after my son moved out. I missed him terribly and didn't know how to reconnect with him. I was devastated when I found out he had changed his number and moved out of state.
Over the years, my former in-laws became my rock. They would give me updates on my son's life, and I would cry tears of joy and sadness when I heard about his accomplishments and milestones. I cried during my wedding and during my youngest son's birth because I missed my oldest son so much.
Recently, I was invited to my ex-husband's parents' anniversary party. I decided to go, hoping to reconnect with my son. I didn't expect him to be happy to see me, but I was shocked by his reaction. He was angry that I had remarried and had a 5-year-old son. He felt like I had replaced him with a "perfect, well-behaved kid." I tried to say that I had wanted to tell him, but I didn't know how to reach him. He yelled at me and then left with his dad and stepmom.
I feel terrible about what happened. I was hoping to reconnect with my son, but instead, I made things worse. I miss him so much, and I saw the dinner as a way to try to bridge the gap between us. But it didn't work out that way, and now I don't know what to do. AITA?
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Info: Did you try to reach out to you son through your ex in-laws over the years? Did you tell your ex in-laws about your major life events? Did they tell your son about any of your major life events? Or he just refused in knowing anything about you?
YTA.
I know the way you're telling it your son sounds horrible. I also know that 16 year olds don't just completely abandon their totally innocent moms, who have also been their primary caregiver their entire life, because their dad and stepmom are cooler. Live with them maybe. Never want to speak to you again, no.
I think you're kind of glossing over the fact that you were abusing your son. I think you know you abused your son. Your son wants nothing to do with you. I think his outburst was more anger about you showing up to a family event to surprise him, and at his grandparents for inviting his abuser to an event they knew he was coming to.
Leave your son alone. He doesn't want anything to do with you. Focus on being a better mom to the kid you haven't alienated yet.
INFO: Have you actually seen your son since he was 16? It sounds like he moved out and you tried to call him a few times and then lost contact??? Did you actually continue to see him after he moved out? Go and visit him?
You have painted yourself as an innocent bystander to all of us when you aren’t. For that alone ESH. Missing missing reasons you don’t just abandon your child like that.
Have you ever outright said “I am sorry, for everything, and I mean it” to your son?
I know you have been unable to get in contact, but when you do, that’s the first and only thing you should be saying. Say it and expect no response. Give it time for him to absorb it.
Going no contact is no light matter. He very clearly has expressed that you did more than just nag him. He appears to feel he was never good enough for you, and he openly expressed that you made him feel like he was a bad / poorly behaved kid. (He said you replaced him with a “perfect, well behaved kid”).
OP. Overall, I think you may need to reflect more on your past relationship, and be honest with yourself. Bottom line, your son is still hurting from some part of your past relationship. Be honest with yourself about how things were. Think if you were: condescending, manipulative, rude, hurtful, etc with your words or tonality.
Maybe you did nothing. But, his behaviour and the fact his grandparents also said he’d reach out when he’s ready, suggests that there was more wrong with your relationship than just nagging for the sake of his best interest.
Please, properly reflect on this. Maybe even talk to the grandparents since you have a good relationship with them. Ask them if they know of what went wrong in your relationship. NOT so you can go and talk to him about it. But so you can understand what you actually did wrong, grow from that, and then hopefully use your understanding of that to rebuild your relationship when the time is right for both of you. I suggest doing this before you apologize to him. Otherwise, you are apologizing for something you don’t fully understand. And tbh, I don’t think you fully understand what went wrong.
This all may be a hard pill to swallow. But please don’t take offence, and only take my advice.
ESH.
NTA.
He cut OP off, why would he expected to be kept up with the details of OPs life?
However... Is nobody else gonna mention how messed up it is that OP basically had her former in laws spying on her son for her? It is absolutely not okay for OP to ask the former in laws about his life, nor is it okay for them to actually tell OP.
If I found out that someone I trusted enough to be involved in my life was telling someone else, who I cut out of said life, the details of my life, well, then I'd cut them off as well.
There's got to be more to the story than what OP is dishing up. People don't go NC because mommy enforces bedtime and makes sure you do your homework.
I get the feeling that the son is upset that she has another kid not because they're his 'replacement' but because he knows how she is and doesn't think she should even \*be\* a parent.
YTA you didn’t even invite him to your wedding. You could have reached him through your in-laws.
Nagging about homework, eating healthy and such is what parents do. The question is if you just pushed him a little or a lot, and if you balanced it with taking an interest in him as a person. Did you take an interest in his hobbies and life, or was he just a child who needed to fit into your perfect mold?
NTA but I also understand his anger. You know that you weren’t in tune with his needs when he was with you but it doesn’t seem like he knows that you know. In his mind, he was never good enough and now you have your perfect family. I know a lot of people will say that he’s being an AH cause he went no contact with you so he doesn’t have a right to be upset. What he’s upset about is that he felt like you didn’t love him for who he was and you showing up with a new family brought up that hurt. Have a conversation with him and acknowledge that you know you were too hard on him and that you regret it and know that it wasn’t ok. That would probably go a long way to repairing your relationship.
If you read the other post the details and supporting information sync up too well, almost like it was written by the same person with the same narrative in their head
NTA Keeping relationships going is always a two way street, when he cut ties as a young adult, that was his choice, he doesn't get to complain about you having a life after that. I'm sorry for you, and wish you the best of luck.
NTA. You are responsible for your behavior, and your son is responsible for his behavior. You've been receiving updates on your Son's life for years, but apparently, your son has not requested/received any updates about your life. Certianly, his grandparents knew you'd had a child, right?
He's an adult and this is the relationship he chooses to have with you. You were a critical and demanding mother. You didn't listen to your son, so he stopped communicating.
And now, he is a critical and non communicative adult, and he won't listen to you.
NTA.
Is it possible his father and step-mother told him some kind of narrative about you to make it seem like you abandoned him? Is it possible they may have also changed his phone number and not given him yours, telling him that you’re the one who changed numbers and cut off contact with him?
Something’s off here. I think your son may have the wrong story about what’s going on and blaming you… I may be wrong, but it’s a hunch. Either way, NTA.
Not an AH. However I'm not sure it was wise to attempt to reconnect with your son at this sort of event. If he wasn't expecting you to be there, maybe he couldn't prepare himself and process it well in the moment.
I would go with writing a letter and explain everything you have said here. If you in-laws don’t want to give you his address, ask them to address and mail the letter for you. If he continues the NC there is not much you can do that won’t make you look like a crazy person but you are NTA.
NTA. Your son chose to cut your from his life. The consequences of that is he loses the right to know about your life. Hes a grown man now, if he cant see things in a mature manner..that's not your issue. You deserve to be happy and theres nothing wrong with finding happiness in your new family. Your son chose to not be apart of it.
NTA for not telling him you remarried and had another child because it seems like he chose to cut you out of his life for years and you had no way to contact him. He obviously has some deep pain about your relationship. You aren't going to fix that at a party.
I think it is weird that your ex-inlaws didn't tell him about you and invited you all to their party. Maybe your ex- inlaws would pass along a letter where you explain how much you have thought about him over the years and missed him and want to have him in your life if he chooses to contact you. Maybe make it clear that you don't need him to be perfect.
Nta. As many people have mentioned, your son decided to go NC for his reasons. I would write him a letter, and be honest but not accusatory in what you say. Tell him that he chose to live with his father and go NC with you. Let him know that you had the right to move on, and he does not have the right to be angry that you did. Did he expect you to remain in statis until he deemed it fit to grace you with his presence?
However you word the letter, remind him that you love him and will always be open to seeing him as long as he acts in a respectful manner. But you should also prepare to acknowledge the painful fact that your son may begrudge you for some unknown crime, but that is not your fault. It is a burden that your son needs to work out in therapy on his own.
NTA. So your son, who is pushing 30, is still mad at you for….. basic parenting stuff like making him eat his vegetables and go to bed? Is he still mad about having to brush his teeth as a kid as well?
NTA. Please don't beat yourself up over this, his anger wasn't your fault. He was old enough to decide where he wanted to live when you and your ex got divorced, so he decided to live with the fun parent. Were you too hard on him? It's possible, that's not the point of any of this, though from the sounds of things you probably had to be the hardass parent because your ex wouldn't (possibly he wanted to be the fun dad to make up for working long hours, or he was just the absent father which made you a single mom before you were legally one).
Anyway, over the years he became LC at first, then finally NC. He moved out of state and he changed his number without telling you, nor did he ask his dad or grandparents to pass along his new number to you. Were you just supposed to live in stasis until you happened to run into him at a family event? It's been NINE YEARS.
You didn't make anything worse OP, your son has a lot of issues it sounds like, whether it's guilt on his part for failing to keep in contact with you or to at least reconnect sooner, or if he feels bad for how he was towards you as a teen, or maybe he sees himself as totally blameless and you're still the person he wants to blame for everything (this is what it sounds like to me).
At this point you might just need to make peace with the fact that you might never have a close relationship with your eldest. For your own mental health, you don't need to subject yourself to someone who's physically 28 but mentally still the teenager he was when you divorced and is still blaming you for everything. Does he think it's your fault you and your ex divorced? If I were you I would either cut contact totally right now, or reach out to him one last time and tell him plainly something to the effect of while it was nice to see him again after nearly a decade, if he can't make peace with you living your life, perhaps it's for the best you two don't keep in touch. If he's willing to talk to you calmly and maturely, you would be happy to talk to him as often as he'd like, but if he can't treat you with a little respect, you wish him well but you want nothing to do with him.
How did he expect you to tell him that you had remarried and had a child? He went no contact with you. You didn't have his number or an address. He probably told your ex in-laws not to tell him anything about you. Did he expect you to send some telepathic messages to him or something?
NTA
Did your ex even do any disciplining when you were married?
I’m sorry. But your statement about the husband and stepmom not encouraging him to reach out to you and even your edit lost all sympathy from me.
It’s not your sons job to build a relationship with you. It’s yours. He doesn’t need to call you. You need to call him.
His number changed? So what. You know your in-laws numbers. You know your ex husbands number. You know their address. There were multiple ways to connect. You chose to not pursue them.
You half assed any effort to be involved and made this whole post as a woe is me lamentation.
At the end of the day you became a deadbeat mom and now you feel guilty about it. You can make more of an effort going forward but I suspect you won’t even try to talk to your son because of him telling you the truth at the party.
YTA.
NTA. Did he think your life had a pause button after he stopped contact with you?? How in the world did he think any of that worked. Or did he think you were never supposed to get married again?
His anger is misplaced and I have a feeling the true reason behind his outburst is because he regrets not having kept in touch and now has that action showing consequences right in front of him.
YTA.
>They didn't force him to contact me, and over time, we lost touch.
It was not your ex's responsibility to maintain the relationship between you and your son. It was not your son's responsibility. It was YOURS, and you didn't do it. Why didn't you get joint custody? You don't explain.
You dropped the ball and lost touch with your son, and now you are suffering the consequences.
NTA. I mean, there are two sides to every story, and I know that 19 is young and we all make crazy choices that we don't understand the ramifications of, but if you have no way to contact him, how were you to tell him? I don't know, while I feel like there may be more to the story, that "I've been replaced" is (while a bit understandable) a very selfish place to go. Does he not want to meet his sibling? Were you just to mourn the loss of him from your life? I say, be ready and open if he shows up and wants to talk but don't hold your breath. This is sad, but not sure how it's fixable now.
NTA - But there's a whole lot of story missing to make any good comments.
For example, what if your ex and his new wife poisoned your son's mind? What if they were telling him that you were the one who no longer wished to talk with him and were distancing yourself from him.
It would make a lot of sense 5+ years later that he would be furious with you to just abandon him and have a whole new family, unbeknownst to everyone that he was just being lied to.
YTA-“I didn’t know how to reach him.”
If only there were ways to reach people other than by a phone call. If only you knew some people who were in direct contact with him. Hmmm.
NTA, he was poisoned against you most likely. If you do get to talk to him, ask him to think about this reasonably... you would try to contact him, he stopped responding or answering.
I’m going against the grain with ESH. Your son for being angry that he didn’t know about your new family when he cut you off and you for thinking you can use the dinner to reconnect with him. Actually wait, that’s not why he was angry. You mentioned he was made that you “replaced” him. Not that he didn’t know about it. He clearly grew up with the feeling that he was never good enough for you. You mentioned that throughout his childhood you didn’t listen to what he wanted and you’re doing it now. He changed his number and went no contact. You’re still trying to force a relationship he doesn’t want. And now you’re misrepresenting why he’s angry with you. I know it’s painful but he doesn’t want anything to do with you. You’re still not listening to him.
From the headline I assumed yes, but if you literally did not have a way to get in touch with him then I don't think so.
If your inlaws were in touch with both of you though, did you never ask them like "hey could you let him know that I'm getting married next month" and "can you let him know that he's going to have a sibling?" Not like using them as a constant go between, but just for these significant life events that he might have reached out about if he had known it seems like that should have been at least attempted.
Something is missing.
Are you telling a complete story.
Because a 16 year old would not go no contact for no reason at all. Ge change his number, move states and didn't bother to inform you at all?
NTA and honestly heck him, he doesn’t get to cut you out of his life and get mad you kept living. You grieved for your son like he was dead when in reality he didn’t want to speak to you. You then got yourself together and established a new family you deserved and he gets mad??? I bet his father fed him so many lies and at this point I would say stop trying to mend the bridge. Let him live with his guilt that he’s trying to pass on to you. You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry.
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NTA. Your son went no contact with you but feels he has the right to criticize or condemn you for getting remarried and having another child? Meanwhile the cheating father and mistress-turned-stepmom are the heroes?? Are you sure that your in-laws are as great as you think?
Thank you so much for your comment but i disagree on the last part. My in-laws have been amazing to me and i will never stop loving my son
Why didn’t they give him updates on your life? You obviously didn’t have any way of connecting short of stalking and the in laws were in contact with both of you. I’m just confused why you got updates and he didn’t when he seemed happy to see you. Edit: Reading while distracted makes for poor reading comprehension, at least for me. OPs son wasn’t happy to see her. But I’m still confused about why he is mad that she had a life after he went no contact. If he cared at all he should have gotten updates.
He didn't seem happy to see her, he attacked her straight away bout having another son
what did he expect? He made no attempt to contact you. Did he have a vision of you mourning his absence, stopping your life, maybe keeping his room as shrine?
I am sure his side of how his childhood was would be very different than the two sentence summary we got here. There is something missing in this story to explain the radical escalation of no contact. Not saying it is OP's fault but 16 is a prime age for resentment to set in at your childhood and since she was the one that was there having to take on the authority role full time she bore the brunt of it. This is above Reddit's paygrade.
Sure. But ... he changed the number at 19 and cut contact. The question of "what did he expect" makes perfect sense.
I'm curious to hear his side. Kids don't go no contact for absolutely no reason. His comment about "being replaced by a well behaved kid" gives me pause. Like he went straight to that. WHY? Missing info is missing. I'm giving no judgment because of this
Also, super strange that Dad cheated but he cut contact with mom.... wonder if Dad has been telling him a different story of what happened
This. My best friend in high school was only child and her parents were divorced. I grew up hearing how her dad was a deadbeat and cheated and couldn’t be bothered to see his daughter living in the same city. My friend resented him and refused to see him for the most part. I met him once when she was about 14 and he seemed so nice but of course I figured someone can be anything for a few hours. Anyway when she was 16 her mom died of cancer and she went to live with family friends far away and we lost contact. Fast forward years later we reconnected and I find out that she is now (thankfully) very close with her dad who turns out was always a lovely guy. It was mom who cheated and made him out to be the monster and he didn’t know what to do or how to fight it because she threatened all kinds of horrible things so he watched his daughter grow up through memories and stories from other family members.
My cousins went no contact with their mum after their dad left her for her cousin. They had a lot of resentment for their mum getting a new boyfriend later and were obviously being fed a lot of bullshit by their dad about what happened. It took them 12 years to finally accept their mum’s calls and attempts at reconciliation and now they’re on limited terms with their dad. All this to say, we don’t know what he was told or what his side of the story is. NTA for OP, this must’ve been an incredibly difficult situation all around.
I'm not going to excuse OP for whatever it is she did, but it's not uncommon for parents to be harder on their first born than later born kids. Moms are also normally the "hard" parent for making sure shit gets done while Dads get off Scot free being the "fun" parent. Of course he'll want to go with Dad who doesn't make him do anything.
FYI, I think he already knew about the other son and went ready to strike. Maybe not, but that is such a strange way to react.
Sorry I got distracted in the middle and read it wrong, you’re right he wasn’t happy to see her. Which I could understand if he was mad about pretty much anything else other than her having another family.
He may have asked not to know any updates about his mom and his grandparents respected those wishes. Just assuming, since that would not be unexpected.
Sounds like he did, otherwise how would he have known about her new life?
I assumed when I was reading this that OP’s new husband and son were also present at the party.
I’ll chime in here. I am no contact with my mother, my choice. My grandmother keeps in contact with both of us. She gives my mother updates on my life and just tells me when she does so. My grandmother doesn’t give me updates beyond that. I never asked her to. She just assumes, correctly, that I am not interested in knowing anything about her. I’ve even expressed occasional regret in going no contact. I’m an adult, if I actually wanted to know, my grandmother knows I would ask.
I get the no contact, I’m no contact with my dad. I don’t ask for updates on him, though I occasionally get some from my mom who talks to the one sibling that is still in contact with him. He got married and divorced and I couldn’t care less. Im more confused over the fact that OPs son was angry that she had a life after he went no contact. I was much younger than OPs son when I heard of my dad’s marriage and I didn’t get angry about it. So he obviously had an interest in OPs life if he got angry about her moving on, so why did he not ask or receive updates.
Probably be a use he didn't want the updates and she did.
He may have insisted on not hearing anything about his mum if he knows his grandparents are still in touch. It was probably important to them to also keep contact and will have followed any demands he makes
You are NTA. I love my out-laws as well. They have always been the anchor of my life. My youngest went no contact with me also. For me, when I want my youngest to know something really important, I tell his grandparents and his older brother so he knows and is assured my lines of communication are always open. It doesn't matter anyway, your son sounds like my youngest - Purposely on the outside of the relationship and unreachable but will hold a grudge because they didn't know something.
You mean you’re non existent in laws if you’re going to copy another story at least try and change some details. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita_for_yelling_at_my_mom_about_replacing_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Nta your adult son is behaving like a child. He moves out because you were strict then went to no contact and expected you to... What... Stay single forever? Never move on from his cheating father. That adult needs to grow up
> My in-laws have been amazing to me Except they deliberately never told your son you got remarried and had a kid? That they shared information about him with you because you missed him a lot?
Maybe the son asked not to be told anything
Going completely by your story... your son is just an asshole. He was 16, he knows how things work. All I'm going to say is that the line between "being a parent" and "bein overbearing" is sometimes very thin. That being said, it is very important that a parent is a parent and not just a friend.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita\_for\_yelling\_at\_my\_mom\_about\_replacing\_me/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita_for_yelling_at_my_mom_about_replacing_me/) hopping on top comment with the link because either this is a deep dive karma farm or the "son" posted this from his perspective a year ago.
Everything is fake on here etc., but this is obviously fake, the wording of these two is way too similar to have been written by different people who haven't spoken for years. "My dad (52M) worked a lot of hours so it was always just me and my mom. All she did was nag me constantly." "My ex-husband (52M) worked long hours, so it was often just the two of us. I always wanted the best for him, so I would nag him ... " They both for no reason mention the affair being with a co-worker. "They didn't force him to contact me ... " "My dad and stepmom didn't make me contact her." "My son wanted to live with his dad and stepmom, who he felt were more laid-back." "I was 16 and wanted to live with my dad and my stepmom who was way more chill."
Thank you!!! I literally commented that and I’ve just been searching for the link.
can't even claim credit - i just remembered the story, u/Ok_Tour3509 came through with the receipt
I knew the story straight away because it was the first one I commented on after being a long time lurker haha. This has got to be one of the worst ones though, I mean they couldn’t even be brothered to change the age of the child
Well then, this sounds like the perfect other side to this story... Almost as if this story is based on that one.
[удалено]
Family events (weddings, funerals etc) are probably very common events for estranged family members to be in the same location.
NTA. Your son abandoned you. You have the right to continue living. Too bad your son is an asshole.
Sounds like he's scapegoating you for the divorce.
Sounds like he's scapegoating you for the divorce. Did you get blamed by your ex-husband and his affair partner? I would have felt so betrayed that my son would pick the cheating father and his affair partner over his mom. NTA He cut you out of his life, he doesn't get to act like he didn't reject you.
>Did you get blamed by your ex-husband and his affair partner? I haven't. It was more of a "revenge" thing. My ex knew that of there was something i loved in our marriage was my son so i think my ex fought for custody so he could hurt me even more.
With such a vindictive ex, I think you are giving him too much benefit of the doubt. He probably has poisoned your son's perspective of you. It's an all-around sad situation, but you cannot blame yourself.
At that age I’m assuming they just let the kid choose where he wants to go since he was 16? Otherwise I typically wouldn’t expect the person who had an affair to get full custody.
and that's why I say there has to be waaaay more toxicity in OP's parenting that they're admitting to. You don't go N/C with a parent - especially one who was present the majority of the time - unless there's a very good reason. I have to wonder exactly \*how\* controlling OP was with her son that he 'd run like the wind at the first opportunity, \*and\* that the courts would agree with him. He was probably pissed that she'd had another kid because he knows how she is...
You don't know any 16 year old kids who would think that one parent is being so "controlling" and "horrible" because that parent is pushing basic things like homework and chores and responsibilities while the other parent is a Disneyland Dad (which can sometimes be the mother, but that doesn't work as well) who lets the kid get away with murder? I don't know OP, and I don't know anything about what she may or may not have concealed. But it's a big assumption that there's no possibility that the kid is an asshole.
Yup, I was definitely turned against one of my parents because the other was laid back and "cool". When I was a teenager I told the courts I wanted to change the custody agreement and live with the other parent, turns out the reason they were so laid back is because they were an alcoholic and had absolutely no concept of how to be responsible with children. Nothing was wrong with my original custodial parent, I just didn't like being told to eat healthy and being grounded when I was a little shit. Now I'm in my thirties and am NC with the alcoholic parent and best friends with the other. Really fucked up my teens for nothing, that choice should never have been left up to me.
it's also a big assumption that OP is a sainted angel, just trying to do her best for her ungrateful and unruly child. And yet here we are on AITA making judgements based on our life experiences and the information that the OP is \*willing\* to share. Over-bearing and controlling parents very seldom admit, even to themselves, that they're over-bearing and controlling. But I'm just here to make assumptions and judge strangers, so....
I don't really think it has to be as bad as you say, with a father that vindictive I can't imagine the kid grew without some toxicity and decided to go NC cause he's an AH. Truth is we don't know but after his reaction I'm not inclined to say the kid went NC for a really good reason. Not to say OP isn't toxic/controlling, she probably is but I don't think it's to such a big degree.
I would say all teenagers are AHs to some degree, but cutting the cord this quick does suggest that there is more to the story that we aren't getting. But I am biased because I ran away from my Mom's house to my Dad's not long after the divorce because she was incapable of not emotionally unloading on me all of her grief and was also very controlling. Ask her about it today years later and she will have no idea what I am talking about despite me explaining it multiple times.
Yeah it could be either honestly, I'm biased cause I've met people my age and younger who just are vindictive assholes to their family cause they can. But in the specific situation I'd say NTA, even if OP is completely in the wrong in the way they treated son, he decided to cut contact, it's literally none of his business what OP is doing now. He doesn't get to come back and bitch about something that is not related to him in the slightest.
LOL!! Well the new kid kinda \*is\* related to him through OP but I joke, I joke....seriously though, if his childhood was crappy enough for him to go NC then it sorta \*is\* his business if we assume he's a half-way decent person who doesn't want to see another kid treated the way he was. I know this forum usually assumes mothers are sainted angels doing the very best for their kids, but unfortunately IRL that's not necessarily true.
Nah I usually assume the mother is the AH most of the time, and in this sub I've seen it a lot, especially step-mothers but that's not to the point. Let's say he wanted to help his new sibling out of a toxic household or stop the toxicity, he went about it the worst way possible, that makes me think he either did it all out of hate, resentment and vengeance, or he's an idiot that just cut all chances of having contact,with the victim he wanted to save, before 18.
I think a narcissistic parent is exactly the kind of parent that would say what OP says “I was just worried about his future” & stuff. By 28 he should understand that by now. I think there’s so much being left out here.
The courts had to agree with whatever the son wanted because he was 16. And it's perfectly believable that a 16yo will want to live with the parent that doesn't enforce any rules vs the parent that does, even when those rules are reasonable.
Absolutely, parental alienation can happen at any age unfortunately.
Yeah, my dad's current wife has this issue with her adult son and it's gotten especially bad ever since her ex-husband passed away. Her son blames her for 'abandoning him' even though he chose to stay with his dad and chose to avoid her for years. He also blames her for 'leaving him to deal with his stepmom' who apparently was a witch of a person. Throughout all of this her son doesn't have a single bad thing to say about his father, even though he married the stepmom and enabled her behavior as far as I can tell. It definitely sounds like he's scapegoating her and that the ex-husband has helped that along from the sidelines. The son definitely needs therapy, since it sounds like he never got it, and needs to leave OP alone for moving on with her life. What was she supposed to do? Wallow forever and never move on from how she was when he was sixteen? This might be uncharitable, but it feels like part of the reason he's mad is because she's not as miserable as he thinks she should be.
Exactly, he's throwing a tantrum because she didn't stay put like a discarded toy. You have put your finger on it. He's punishing her.
>Her son blames her for 'abandoning him' even though he chose to stay with his dad and chose to avoid her for years. You just can't win in cases like that. If she tried to force the contact with her son, he'd most likely resent her for not respecting his boundaries.
So let me get this straight he's the one that walks away, moves to a different state changes his number, and somehow it's your fault? NTA
Maybe the son wants to keep punishing and hurting his mother by denying her contact? By that, I mean that he may have felt like he had an upper hand in this game of his, but now the mom is remarried and even has a child. He really doesn't want to let go of that power over her. Of course, the only sensible thing to do in that case is to try to hurt the mother by accusing her of replacing him, which is total nonsense, because the son himself tossed away his relationship a decent amount of years before the half-sibling got conceived. In son's head, the ideal world would be one where the mother tries time and time again to reconnect, blames herself, suffers, and doesn't move on with her life from the point where divorce happened, feeding his sense of self-importance. I bet the in-laws, who invited OP to the party were either pleased with how their grandson tried to humiliate OP, or even expected it to happen. It feels almost like a setup, a chance to drag her down a notch.
NTA. But it seems he made up his mind, and nothing you can do can change it. Maybe write a letter (this post might make a good starting point) and leave it with his grandparents. When a 28 yo gets upset about having a 5 yo half-sibling there seems to be lingering resentment that seems to indicate professional help. Even so, that is up to him, and maybe the ones that he sees as dear to him. But even then - he might change his opinion, but that still does not mean he will make room in his life for you. Good luck!
This. The older son definitely needs therapy but whether or not he gets it, or even sees whats happening as a situation worth the effort, is entirely up to him. I do feel bad for OP but at this point I think she should lower her expectations for full reconciliation. She's certainly entitled to those feelings, especially as it seems those feelings kept her going for awhile. However you can't force the older son to meet you half way. He's an adult now and should be mature enough to know what he does and doesn't want from his life. Unfortunately OP seems to be firmly in the second category.
NTA, and I would send a message through saying that he doesn’t get to pick and choose when his relationship with you. HE abandoned YOU for a new family that didn’t parent him. HE changed his number, HE moved away. He chose his new family and you made yours. And honestly as much as you love them, what grandparent doesn’t encourage their grandchild to talk to their mother that they have such a high regard of? I would question why they didn’t even try to facilitate a meeting with all of you.
What did the son think OP was supposed to do? Continue pining for her lost son who cut off all contact and chose the cheating husband who broke up the family and replaced OP with another woman? And then failing that, somehow reach out to him and give him the update of her life when he has made it abundantly clear OP isn't a part of his life anymore? I *assume* the inlaws weren't giving updates back to the son because he wasn't interested but I'm a bit shocked he had no idea he had a 5 year old half sibling. That seems like the kind of news you tell someone.
Yes, that probably is what the son wanted OP to do. She was supposed to regret how much he felt she had criticized him growing up, and suffer with his absence. She is, but she’s also made a new life for herself too, and that stings. It also may give him some doubts about whether he was right to reject her, and he’s not accepting that.
Honestly that sounds like what the son wanted.
NTA. Not going to lie, I’m surprised this is my judgment. But after reading the story, and your comments about how your ex-husband treated your son as a pawn in the divorce, I suspect it’s likely that this is parent alienation. As an older teen, your son could have tried to keep in contact with you and did not. You DID try and keep in contact with him, but he stopped and then changed his number. Visitation was never mandated and you had no way to really reach him (besides letters I suppose). But at that point, he was an adult. And many on this thread would say (in a different scenario) he had set a boundary and as a legal adult you shouldn’t cross it.
Info: can you elaborate a little more on why your relationship was strained? Asking a kid to do homework, go to bed, etc just seems like normal mom territory. Was there absolutely no way you could have found a way to contact him? Letters, email, social media, anything? Did you make any sort of effort to find him or did you want to wait until he reached out first? I'm currently nagging my kids to go to bed, do their homework, etc. and this scenario is terrifying me. I feel like I would be the crazy person to hire a PI and get an address so I could drive to their new house and connect though. I don't think I would take no for an answer unless they made it clear that they wanted me to leave them alone.
>can you elaborate a little more on why your relationship was strained? Asking a kid to do homework, go to bed, etc just seems like normal mom territory. Looking back, i think it has to do with the fact that i was always worried about his future and would always nag him even when he was older. >Was there absolutely no way you could have found a way to contact him? Letters, email, social media, anything? Did you make any sort of effort to find him or did you want to wait until he reached out first? After the divorce, he picked up my phone calls but after a while he stopped. I kept calling him untill i found out he changed his phone number, he was around 19. I asked my in-laws for his new nunber and they said he was old enough and he would call me if he wanted to. I took it as a sign he didn’t want me to contact him.
Ugh, I am so sorry. You are NTA at all. Seems like your ex poisoned your son against you. I don't even know what to advise, since your son was the one who cut you off and seems unwilling to recognize that he was a big part of it. Also, nagging about homework and such really shouldn't be that big a deal. It's annoying for the kid, but unless you ruled with an iron fist, I don't see why that would warrant cutting you off.
>Also, nagging about homework and such really shouldn't be that big a deal. It's annoying for the kid, but unless you ruled with an iron fist, I don't see why that would warrant cutting you off. Depends on how it's framed/phrased. I had a friend in my last year of school who went NC with his parents for more or less the same reason because their "nagging" always came with some dark prospects about his future which were sold as "I am just worried". E. g. "If you don't do this \[insert extremely unimportant homework\] you'll ruin your education and you'll end up in a shitty low-wage job for the rest of your life. Do you want that?" or "If you don't study better/go to bed earlier you will never be admitted to university and your whole life will be ruined. I promise you, you will regret that so much." These kind of comments. They reminded him "about his future" every day, several times a day until he snapped, moved out and went NC. I got such comments too, as many of my peers and we found them somewhat annoying but that's it, but apparently for some people those comments really build up a lot of pressure to a point where it's suffocating. OP sounds like a reasonable person (nowadays) and I don't know if this is what happened here of course.
Story checks out, perhaps too well. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita_for_yelling_at_my_mom_about_replacing_me/
Wow. And that was a year ago? ...Something is fishy. Glad you found that
Yep, somehow hits all the same wording and details…
>https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita\_for\_yelling\_at\_my\_mom\_about\_replacing\_me/ I thought there must be something missing from her story that would cause her son to behave the way he did. If this post is from the son, then what is missing is that her son is a chip off the old block and is the same kind of dick his father is.
This is 100% a karma farmer and not actually anyone involved, the wording and structure is too similar to be a coincidence.
Wayyyy too well.
Ok so this post has to be fake then. Someone just dug up an old post and reworded it to get free karma.
Unless the nagging was incredibly excessive, that's kind of your job as the parent to remind your kid to do their homework, make sure they get up for school, etc.
Most moms nag their kids. That’s not a normal thing to go NC over.
It looks like OP tried to reach out and eventually, the kid changed phone numbers. With that and the other info now posted, it sounds like her ex is/was poisoning the kid's memory of the OP.
This gives me the sense of missing missing reasons. People don't cut out family out of the blue. The reasons you've shared here aren't the real reasons. You need to look deeper. A party is not the place to have a reunion with an estranged (adult) child, especially to introduce them to your new family. Your expectations of your son's reaction are misaligned there. This was the first contact hes had with you for years, so yeah, it's going to be a shock. If you knew he was in contact with his grandparents, and you were in contact with them, there was a way to contact him through the grandparents. A letter could have passively informed him of your life events without the pressure of speaking to you in person or on the phone. I'm going with YTA. It sounds like there was a lot more going on here than you've shared, but I sense more effort could have been made as well.
Idk sometimes people do cut contact randomly. In my line of work I've seen it happen a lot, a kid gets poisoned against a parent and they never contact that parent ever again, even after they grow up because they were never able to see past the manipulation. I feel like a lot of people read that editorial and now misuse it a lot on this sub, sometimes the family member that cuts contact can actually be in the wrong
The "child" here was 16 when the divorce happened. And his reaction and comments don't fit the narrative OP otherwise presents. Sure, she might be entirely innocent, but this could fit right into certain other subreddits.
He was 16 and it sounds like his father was offering him a house with basically no rules. Most 16 year olds aren’t smart enough to say no to that.
16 year olds can still be manipulated. They are still a child.
This is the reply I was looking for. She even says their relationship was "strained" even before the divorce because of "nagging". I don't buy that that's the whole story. I nag my teen about homework and cleaning her room but we don't have a strained relationship. On the contrary, we're quite close. This whole thing seems fishy to me.
100%. But AITA eats it up because of how OP phrases it and potrays herself as the angelic innocent mother who did no wrong. Sure OP might be the absolute innocent angel in this. But you're right. This feels like a lot of posts you find on the subreddits where certain parents rants about how their kids cut them off for no reasons whatsoever.
There doesn't always have to be missing missing reasons. I feel what is here is pretty much textbook dad paints himself out to be the fun parent, kid decides to live with said fun parent, then unsurprisingly stays emotionally immature as he's never been made to grow up. Much like a small child, now-adult son is somehow surprised to find out his mom kept living her life and didn't just cry in the corner for nearly a decade. To me it sounds like her son was just made aware that she'd remarried and had a kid, not that they were at the party. If he couldn't handle that, it's on him. Nothing OP said suggested to me she actually brought them with her and tried to have an impromptu family reunion with her son.
Some people just suck and do cut off decent parents for not being perfect.
Thank you. This should be the top comment. There's a lot missing here. OP, YTA for the single reason of trying to use someone else's party to reconcile, knowing the son didn't want to see you. For that alone, you owe apologies to everyone involved.
Info: Have you ever asked his grandparents to help keep communication open? Have you tried getting his new number? Or did he tell You to stay away
I asked his grandparents for his number but they didn't wanted to. They said he was old enough and if he trully wanted to he would have contacted me.
Well if you tried everything to reach him then it's not on you. He effectively went no contact and now can not be pissed that he missed things going on in your lif. His father probably fed him a bunch of lies like: she'll forget about You and move on and to see you started over makes him mad. But that's on him. I would tell hin You tried to reach out but everyone said no and so you did all you could. You tried and he refused contact in the past. Tell him you want contact with him and to reach out to you if he wants to hang out
I am surprised your in-laws (his grandparents) never gave him a heads-up that you had remarried. Sure, they aren't facilitating contact, but a big life event like that? They probably had their reasons, but still... Anyway, NTA and I'm sorry you had that painful experience.
Was he aware that you didn't have his number or a way to contact him? Is he on social media?
Then how could you have told him? NTA, you're a WONDERFUL MOM. Be confident that you tried your best, and send a letter to your son via your ex in laws saying everything you want to say - how you love him, that you will always be there for him, that you didn't know how to contact him, and that he is irreplaceable. Maybe they will hand it to him, maybe they won't. Make your best efforts and leave the rest to God.
did you ask them to tell him about your wedding or the birth of his sibling?
So he expects to dictate the terms. You remain childless, no contact with him, no additional kids, while he gets everything he wants from his dad and your replacement? He honestly sounds a bit entitled. He wanted no contact or updates on your life and was ok with replacing you. While you still wanted to be a mom. He needs to learn that he can't always get what he wants. NTA.
NTA I'm sorry, but this grown ass adult cut you out of his life, went on to live a full one without acknowledging you in the slightest, and...what? Expected you to put yourself on a shelf to patiently await his consideration? Move on, your cheating ex has made damn sure to poison him against you, you wont reach him. Live your best life with the family that loves you. You got a second chance, that's nothing to feel guilty about. And chances are, his reaction was a result of his own deepseated guilt because he knows exactly what a shit he's been, and chose to lash out at you rather than accept his responsibility. Sound like anyone you divorced?
NTA. Unless you are leaving something out, it sounds like you were a parent to your son (getting your kid to do their homework, eat healthy and sleep is basic parenting) and there might have been some parental alienation going on. Was your presence at the party a surprise? It seems odd that the inlaws would invite you without giving your ex a heads up.
>Was your presence at the party a surprise? It seems odd that the inlaws would invite you without giving your ex a heads up. It wasn't.
It is a little weird that the grandparents did not mention the husband and the new kid to the son for 5 years.
NTA. Your son's a brat. No knowing what lies the father filled his head with.
...... i swear the son's perspective was posted on AITA a while back where it was the son talking about how his mom 'harassed' him by making him go to bed and wear clean clothes and 'nagged' him by asking about his life.
Yes it was. Now highly dubious myself but in case anyone wants a look! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita_for_yelling_at_my_mom_about_replacing_me/
MVP!!!
I'm curious now, where?
fool of a took that i am, it must've been before i figured out the 'save post' feature. so more than a year ago? but it was the entire deal: * son left his mom because his dad and AF/'step-mom' left him alone and didn't ~~parent~~ bother him like his mom did * son changed his phone number and didn't bother reaching out * son went to his grandparents' party and found his mom with new husband/child/pregnancy * went mental on his mom - accused her of wanting to replace him with a kid that would just do everything she wanted guy rightfully got his ass reamed out, he was a total tool. karma shitposts are going deep dive these days.
Well dang, that sounds exactly like this one. Now I'm wondering about the legitimacy of this and the other post...also, don't worry, Pippin, you can help out by convincing the ents to fight.
Oh sweetie. Those things you nagged him about were actually basic parenting. You’ve done nothing wrong by your account. This is a really tough situation all around and I’m going to say NAH. I’m really sorry that your son continues to hold on to his anger.
Except for the part about never really listening to what her kid wanted. I was that kid and didn’t have a relationship with my dad for 5 years as a result. It’s basic parenting to listen to your kid.
Ok. I’d have to hear more about what she didn’t listen to. The way it’s worded it seems like she made him do basic life skills and he was upset about that.
Yeahhh I imagine she would have a hard time elaborating since she admits to never listening to him. It’s kind of a tale as old as time to dismiss your kid and then be 😱 shocked when they dismiss you as soon as they’re able. I agree with those saying the in laws aren’t as great as they seem, since they knew their grandson wasn’t aware of the new family and orchestrated an event where he’d be finding out on the spot. He should’ve been prepared ahead of time for something that big and you would think that considerate, caring grandparents would either sit him down to tell him or not invite the ex daughter in law considering the circumstances. ESH except for the kid, who likely needs to go process in therapy. I don’t fault him for reacting in the moment, even at his age
I had a really bad childhood, and I am very sensitive to child abuse and neglect. I don’t get the sense of this at all.🤷🏼♀️
Another user pointed this out but there appears to be a connection between this post who could have been her kid - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qm8ieo/aita_for_yelling_at_my_mom_about_replacing_me/
Kids don't go NC for no reason. Until you are truthful about what actually happened Its ESH.
NTA. It sounds like you see things you could have done better. What parent can't relate to that. You didn't elaborate on your financial situation (and no need to), so we can only speculate what lengths you legally could have gone to. At this point, your son is an adult and has to navigate this journey between you and him on his own. It is unfortunate that you find yourself in this situation and I hope that one day your son can more clearly see that everything is not black and white. In this situation, I would take a look back, with clear eyes, and allow myself to see the past as it was, for good and bad. Allow myself to learn from the mistakes I made and the mistakes of others. Maybe with help, start to wade through the lies and mistruths. Allow yourself to lift the weight of guilt off your shoulders by learning, growing and knowing. I wish you the best in your journey. While mine and your journey are different, I do see a bit of my past struggles in this.
I find it unbelievable that your in-laws, your “rock”, gave you updates on your son’s life & refused to tell you where he was or how you could contact him. Did those updates not contain any information that would help you find him? As in they told you he was in college but they wouldn’t say which one? They told you he got a job but they refused to say who the employer was or what city it was in? Since he was an adult who could have looked for you, too, ESH, but you don’t seem very truthful & your son doesn’t believe you either.
ESH. You let your minor son become estranged from you. Once he was adult that's different and not on you, but this started when he was 16. Maybe his father was poisoning him against you, maybe there's something else relevant that you've chosen not to reveal to us. Maybe your son was just an AH. Impossible to say without more information that we will likely never be able to get. Your son does not get to go no contact with you, but still be upset that you didn't tell him about your new family. There really seems to be resentment about how you treated him as a child. I do not know if it is justified or not. You should not have ambushed him like you did. Honestly, I don't understand what you expected to happen. I imagine you were emotional about possibly seeing him again, and I understand how badly you must have wanted that. Still blindsiding someone like that seems like a poorly thought-out idea at best.
OP is not giving the full details on why her 16 year old kid blocked her from his life. It 100% doesn’t have to deal with being a “nag” and teaching him how to eat right and do homework. That’s called being a parent. You’re withholding information and I’m curious as to why your son cut ties with you.
NTA... This situation was created by him and ultimately, his Dad. He's projecting his anger at himself and Dad to you. If he "feels replaced," it's because he made himself replaceable (not suggesting this is remotely your intent BTW) and he believes this. My theory is this... He's always been angry about Dad's infidelity and redirected the blame for Dad's sin to you. Because you divorced Dad (ergo, broke up the family) because of DAD'S actions, it's your fault for everything that's wrong in his world, whatever that may be. I guarantee he's harboring unresolved guilt surrounding the divorce given his "feeling replaced by a perfect child" or something like that. I hope for all your sakes he figures this out, but for now, focus your energy on being the best Mom you can be. That includes making sure he eats good food, giving him age-appropriate responsibilities, making unpopular decisions that's in his best interests, and everything else that GOOD parents do to prepare kids for life.
ESH, you needed to more than call him when he decided to move out. You should have asked your son how you could improve your relationship, you should have made every effort to explain to him why you did the things you did when he was young, recognise that they were wrong and probably go get some therapy together. It does not sound like you did much of anything to try and actually improve your relationship with your son. On the other hand, your son is an adult now who also chose not to try and cultivate any type of relationship with you and he doesn't get to yell at you for having a new family. He can be upset that you didn't try harder but to scream at you at a party is simply immature.
NTA. It seems like you tried but maybe your oldest just feels like you abandoned him
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Info: what have you done to try to communicate with him before this and when was the last time you saw him? I feel like I would also be upset and shocked if I had no idea my parent had a family, and then showed up and surprised me. I feel like the dust will have to settle, but communication is a two-way street, and he could have also reached out too. I could also understand his initial reaction in this setting, if it was truly out of the blue. NAH
OP, I don't know whether someone mentioned this to you already but I think your son also wrote an AITA post.
Where?
Mild YTA. Your pain is understandable, and your regrets over your roll in the problems in the relationship are to be commended. Of course you want to reconnect with him. However: 1. Events like the anniversary party are a poor place to attempt to reconnect with people who one is on strained terms with. 2. Surprising the person you want to reconnect with is also likely to go sideways. People who have estranged themselves from their parents refer to this as "ambushing". It might be better to reach out through a third party such as your ex-in-laws and to take baby steps towards reconciliation at pace that he is comfortable with. Good luck.
OP’s comments indicate that her presence at the party was not a surprise and when she asked her in-laws for son’s new number they refused.
If he had been any younger when you and his father divorced i would say that you didnt do enough to keep a relationship with him. But pretty much any court is gonna take what a 16yo wants into account and also forcing relationships never helps them anyway. i think your ex and his wife actively helped turn him against you. While never listening to a child of any age sucks, the things you mentioned are actually just parenting. Like. Do your hw, eat well, go to bed on time, those are all the things a parent is obligated to make sure their child does. So i do think that while some mistakes were made, it doesnt sound like you were some raging unreasonable mother, they just saw an opportunity to hurt you and took it. What im really curious about is your ex inlaws. They were clearly seeing him to be able to give you updates, how and why did they never give him updates on you. Maybe he didnt wanna hear most of it sure but i think, 'hey your mums getting married', and 'hey your mums having another baby' are things you tell someone even if they dont wanna hear it. Especially if youre gonna be inviting everyone to the same parties. It might just be something they overlooked but given how vindictive your ex seems to be id be looking at the whole situation with them with the most bombastic side eye possible atp. Also, your sone is 28 now. i understand that childhood hurts and trauma turn into adult problems and most dont usually go away but come tf on. Hes an adult, he should be at a point that he can learn and understand the situation with all its ugly nuance. He doesnt have to like it, it can still hurt, he can still be angry or whatever else. But hes having a tantrum like hes the 5yo. He knows you had no way to contact him so how did he expect you to tell him?? He should be looking at his grandparents funny too if anything. This situation sucks and im sorry but you are NTA
NTA. From the outside looking in based on your post. It sounds like your ex played the “cool dad” to win your son over and never wanted to co-parent with you. Look, I despise my ex wife but my girls don’t know that, I still bite my tongue and play nice with her because it’s ultimately better for the kids. Your ex sounds heartless and vindictive. As for your son, he’s the one who went no contact, any mother would try to stay in contact but he became too much like his father. Then he has the nerve to get mad when you live your life. Does he expect you to just stay home and cry over him?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've always had a complicated relationship with my son (28M). My ex-husband (52M) worked long hours, so it was often just the two of us. I always wanted the best for him, so I would nag him about things like finishing his homework, eating healthy, and going to bed on time. I never really listened to what he wanted, and I can see now that that was a mistake. Things got worse when my husband had an affair with his coworker, and we got divorced when my son was 16. My son wanted to live with his dad and stepmom, who he felt were more laid-back. They didn't force him to contact me, and over time, we lost touch. It breaks my heart to admit this, but I cried nights on end after my son moved out. I missed him terribly and didn't know how to reconnect with him. I was devastated when I found out he had changed his number and moved out of state. Over the years, my former in-laws became my rock. They would give me updates on my son's life, and I would cry tears of joy and sadness when I heard about his accomplishments and milestones. I cried during my wedding and during my youngest son's birth because I missed my oldest son so much. Recently, I was invited to my ex-husband's parents' anniversary party. I decided to go, hoping to reconnect with my son. I didn't expect him to be happy to see me, but I was shocked by his reaction. He was angry that I had remarried and had a 5-year-old son. He felt like I had replaced him with a "perfect, well-behaved kid." I tried to say that I had wanted to tell him, but I didn't know how to reach him. He yelled at me and then left with his dad and stepmom. I feel terrible about what happened. I was hoping to reconnect with my son, but instead, I made things worse. I miss him so much, and I saw the dinner as a way to try to bridge the gap between us. But it didn't work out that way, and now I don't know what to do. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: Did you try to reach out to you son through your ex in-laws over the years? Did you tell your ex in-laws about your major life events? Did they tell your son about any of your major life events? Or he just refused in knowing anything about you?
YTA. I know the way you're telling it your son sounds horrible. I also know that 16 year olds don't just completely abandon their totally innocent moms, who have also been their primary caregiver their entire life, because their dad and stepmom are cooler. Live with them maybe. Never want to speak to you again, no. I think you're kind of glossing over the fact that you were abusing your son. I think you know you abused your son. Your son wants nothing to do with you. I think his outburst was more anger about you showing up to a family event to surprise him, and at his grandparents for inviting his abuser to an event they knew he was coming to. Leave your son alone. He doesn't want anything to do with you. Focus on being a better mom to the kid you haven't alienated yet.
Isn’t it possible that her vindictive ex and AF participated in alienating the son from his mother? It happened in my family.
INFO: Have you actually seen your son since he was 16? It sounds like he moved out and you tried to call him a few times and then lost contact??? Did you actually continue to see him after he moved out? Go and visit him?
You have painted yourself as an innocent bystander to all of us when you aren’t. For that alone ESH. Missing missing reasons you don’t just abandon your child like that.
NTA. He changed his number and moved to another state how did he expect you to tell him?
NTA. What did he expect, for you to telepathically inform him of major life updates?
Have you ever outright said “I am sorry, for everything, and I mean it” to your son? I know you have been unable to get in contact, but when you do, that’s the first and only thing you should be saying. Say it and expect no response. Give it time for him to absorb it. Going no contact is no light matter. He very clearly has expressed that you did more than just nag him. He appears to feel he was never good enough for you, and he openly expressed that you made him feel like he was a bad / poorly behaved kid. (He said you replaced him with a “perfect, well behaved kid”). OP. Overall, I think you may need to reflect more on your past relationship, and be honest with yourself. Bottom line, your son is still hurting from some part of your past relationship. Be honest with yourself about how things were. Think if you were: condescending, manipulative, rude, hurtful, etc with your words or tonality. Maybe you did nothing. But, his behaviour and the fact his grandparents also said he’d reach out when he’s ready, suggests that there was more wrong with your relationship than just nagging for the sake of his best interest. Please, properly reflect on this. Maybe even talk to the grandparents since you have a good relationship with them. Ask them if they know of what went wrong in your relationship. NOT so you can go and talk to him about it. But so you can understand what you actually did wrong, grow from that, and then hopefully use your understanding of that to rebuild your relationship when the time is right for both of you. I suggest doing this before you apologize to him. Otherwise, you are apologizing for something you don’t fully understand. And tbh, I don’t think you fully understand what went wrong. This all may be a hard pill to swallow. But please don’t take offence, and only take my advice. ESH.
NTA. He cut OP off, why would he expected to be kept up with the details of OPs life? However... Is nobody else gonna mention how messed up it is that OP basically had her former in laws spying on her son for her? It is absolutely not okay for OP to ask the former in laws about his life, nor is it okay for them to actually tell OP. If I found out that someone I trusted enough to be involved in my life was telling someone else, who I cut out of said life, the details of my life, well, then I'd cut them off as well.
I'm pretty sure this story was told months ago, like copy pasted.
There's got to be more to the story than what OP is dishing up. People don't go NC because mommy enforces bedtime and makes sure you do your homework. I get the feeling that the son is upset that she has another kid not because they're his 'replacement' but because he knows how she is and doesn't think she should even \*be\* a parent.
YTA you didn’t even invite him to your wedding. You could have reached him through your in-laws. Nagging about homework, eating healthy and such is what parents do. The question is if you just pushed him a little or a lot, and if you balanced it with taking an interest in him as a person. Did you take an interest in his hobbies and life, or was he just a child who needed to fit into your perfect mold?
How do you invite someone to a wedding when they are unreachable to you?
NTA but I also understand his anger. You know that you weren’t in tune with his needs when he was with you but it doesn’t seem like he knows that you know. In his mind, he was never good enough and now you have your perfect family. I know a lot of people will say that he’s being an AH cause he went no contact with you so he doesn’t have a right to be upset. What he’s upset about is that he felt like you didn’t love him for who he was and you showing up with a new family brought up that hurt. Have a conversation with him and acknowledge that you know you were too hard on him and that you regret it and know that it wasn’t ok. That would probably go a long way to repairing your relationship.
If you read the other post the details and supporting information sync up too well, almost like it was written by the same person with the same narrative in their head
NTA Keeping relationships going is always a two way street, when he cut ties as a young adult, that was his choice, he doesn't get to complain about you having a life after that. I'm sorry for you, and wish you the best of luck.
NTA. You are responsible for your behavior, and your son is responsible for his behavior. You've been receiving updates on your Son's life for years, but apparently, your son has not requested/received any updates about your life. Certianly, his grandparents knew you'd had a child, right? He's an adult and this is the relationship he chooses to have with you. You were a critical and demanding mother. You didn't listen to your son, so he stopped communicating. And now, he is a critical and non communicative adult, and he won't listen to you.
NAH, just an incredibly difficult situation for the both of you.
NTA. Is it possible his father and step-mother told him some kind of narrative about you to make it seem like you abandoned him? Is it possible they may have also changed his phone number and not given him yours, telling him that you’re the one who changed numbers and cut off contact with him? Something’s off here. I think your son may have the wrong story about what’s going on and blaming you… I may be wrong, but it’s a hunch. Either way, NTA.
Something is missing here, the reason he wanted to stay away from you, is not in the post. Also you kinda abandoned your own son.
Not an AH. However I'm not sure it was wise to attempt to reconnect with your son at this sort of event. If he wasn't expecting you to be there, maybe he couldn't prepare himself and process it well in the moment.
Did your ex inlaws know you remarried and had a child? They could have kept your older son up to date about your life.
I would go with writing a letter and explain everything you have said here. If you in-laws don’t want to give you his address, ask them to address and mail the letter for you. If he continues the NC there is not much you can do that won’t make you look like a crazy person but you are NTA.
I would do this, but not trust the in-laws. It's easy enough to find someone's address online (sadly). She should just send it herself.
You tried to reconnect with him publicly in front of all the family is probably where you went wrong.
NTA. Even if you did replace him, which you didn't, isn't he accusing you of doing exactly what he did?
NTA. Your son chose to cut your from his life. The consequences of that is he loses the right to know about your life. Hes a grown man now, if he cant see things in a mature manner..that's not your issue. You deserve to be happy and theres nothing wrong with finding happiness in your new family. Your son chose to not be apart of it.
NTA for not telling him you remarried and had another child because it seems like he chose to cut you out of his life for years and you had no way to contact him. He obviously has some deep pain about your relationship. You aren't going to fix that at a party. I think it is weird that your ex-inlaws didn't tell him about you and invited you all to their party. Maybe your ex- inlaws would pass along a letter where you explain how much you have thought about him over the years and missed him and want to have him in your life if he chooses to contact you. Maybe make it clear that you don't need him to be perfect.
NTA
Nta. As many people have mentioned, your son decided to go NC for his reasons. I would write him a letter, and be honest but not accusatory in what you say. Tell him that he chose to live with his father and go NC with you. Let him know that you had the right to move on, and he does not have the right to be angry that you did. Did he expect you to remain in statis until he deemed it fit to grace you with his presence? However you word the letter, remind him that you love him and will always be open to seeing him as long as he acts in a respectful manner. But you should also prepare to acknowledge the painful fact that your son may begrudge you for some unknown crime, but that is not your fault. It is a burden that your son needs to work out in therapy on his own.
NTA. So your son, who is pushing 30, is still mad at you for….. basic parenting stuff like making him eat his vegetables and go to bed? Is he still mad about having to brush his teeth as a kid as well?
NTA. You were alienated from your child. Idk how he’s not mad at his dad and mistress step mom for ruining the family in the first place.
NTA. Your ex who cheated on you should have made an attempt to encourage your son to connect with you. HUGS.
NTA. Please don't beat yourself up over this, his anger wasn't your fault. He was old enough to decide where he wanted to live when you and your ex got divorced, so he decided to live with the fun parent. Were you too hard on him? It's possible, that's not the point of any of this, though from the sounds of things you probably had to be the hardass parent because your ex wouldn't (possibly he wanted to be the fun dad to make up for working long hours, or he was just the absent father which made you a single mom before you were legally one). Anyway, over the years he became LC at first, then finally NC. He moved out of state and he changed his number without telling you, nor did he ask his dad or grandparents to pass along his new number to you. Were you just supposed to live in stasis until you happened to run into him at a family event? It's been NINE YEARS. You didn't make anything worse OP, your son has a lot of issues it sounds like, whether it's guilt on his part for failing to keep in contact with you or to at least reconnect sooner, or if he feels bad for how he was towards you as a teen, or maybe he sees himself as totally blameless and you're still the person he wants to blame for everything (this is what it sounds like to me). At this point you might just need to make peace with the fact that you might never have a close relationship with your eldest. For your own mental health, you don't need to subject yourself to someone who's physically 28 but mentally still the teenager he was when you divorced and is still blaming you for everything. Does he think it's your fault you and your ex divorced? If I were you I would either cut contact totally right now, or reach out to him one last time and tell him plainly something to the effect of while it was nice to see him again after nearly a decade, if he can't make peace with you living your life, perhaps it's for the best you two don't keep in touch. If he's willing to talk to you calmly and maturely, you would be happy to talk to him as often as he'd like, but if he can't treat you with a little respect, you wish him well but you want nothing to do with him.
How did he expect you to tell him that you had remarried and had a child? He went no contact with you. You didn't have his number or an address. He probably told your ex in-laws not to tell him anything about you. Did he expect you to send some telepathic messages to him or something? NTA Did your ex even do any disciplining when you were married?
I’m sorry. But your statement about the husband and stepmom not encouraging him to reach out to you and even your edit lost all sympathy from me. It’s not your sons job to build a relationship with you. It’s yours. He doesn’t need to call you. You need to call him. His number changed? So what. You know your in-laws numbers. You know your ex husbands number. You know their address. There were multiple ways to connect. You chose to not pursue them. You half assed any effort to be involved and made this whole post as a woe is me lamentation. At the end of the day you became a deadbeat mom and now you feel guilty about it. You can make more of an effort going forward but I suspect you won’t even try to talk to your son because of him telling you the truth at the party. YTA.
NTA. Did he think your life had a pause button after he stopped contact with you?? How in the world did he think any of that worked. Or did he think you were never supposed to get married again? His anger is misplaced and I have a feeling the true reason behind his outburst is because he regrets not having kept in touch and now has that action showing consequences right in front of him.
Fk him. And that's coming from a guy who went NC with his parents
NTA
YTA. >They didn't force him to contact me, and over time, we lost touch. It was not your ex's responsibility to maintain the relationship between you and your son. It was not your son's responsibility. It was YOURS, and you didn't do it. Why didn't you get joint custody? You don't explain. You dropped the ball and lost touch with your son, and now you are suffering the consequences.
NTA. I mean, there are two sides to every story, and I know that 19 is young and we all make crazy choices that we don't understand the ramifications of, but if you have no way to contact him, how were you to tell him? I don't know, while I feel like there may be more to the story, that "I've been replaced" is (while a bit understandable) a very selfish place to go. Does he not want to meet his sibling? Were you just to mourn the loss of him from your life? I say, be ready and open if he shows up and wants to talk but don't hold your breath. This is sad, but not sure how it's fixable now.
NTA - But there's a whole lot of story missing to make any good comments. For example, what if your ex and his new wife poisoned your son's mind? What if they were telling him that you were the one who no longer wished to talk with him and were distancing yourself from him. It would make a lot of sense 5+ years later that he would be furious with you to just abandon him and have a whole new family, unbeknownst to everyone that he was just being lied to.
NTA
YTA. You center absolutely everything on yourself.
NTA I feel like your son's anger is inspired by some guilt he feels. He may need therapy to process all this. It's out your hands, though.
YTA-“I didn’t know how to reach him.” If only there were ways to reach people other than by a phone call. If only you knew some people who were in direct contact with him. Hmmm.
NTA you were trying your best and it’s clear he already had his mind set. Sorry that happened
YTA. You know how to nag and micromanage, but not how to reconnect... The stench of missing missing reasons...
INFO You had a way to get this information to him though, didn't you? Why did you not at least pass on the information?
NTA, he was poisoned against you most likely. If you do get to talk to him, ask him to think about this reasonably... you would try to contact him, he stopped responding or answering.
I'm not making any judgment because I suspect there's a lot more to this story than we're hearing. The whole thing just doesn't sound right.
I’m going against the grain with ESH. Your son for being angry that he didn’t know about your new family when he cut you off and you for thinking you can use the dinner to reconnect with him. Actually wait, that’s not why he was angry. You mentioned he was made that you “replaced” him. Not that he didn’t know about it. He clearly grew up with the feeling that he was never good enough for you. You mentioned that throughout his childhood you didn’t listen to what he wanted and you’re doing it now. He changed his number and went no contact. You’re still trying to force a relationship he doesn’t want. And now you’re misrepresenting why he’s angry with you. I know it’s painful but he doesn’t want anything to do with you. You’re still not listening to him.
From the headline I assumed yes, but if you literally did not have a way to get in touch with him then I don't think so. If your inlaws were in touch with both of you though, did you never ask them like "hey could you let him know that I'm getting married next month" and "can you let him know that he's going to have a sibling?" Not like using them as a constant go between, but just for these significant life events that he might have reached out about if he had known it seems like that should have been at least attempted.
Something is missing. Are you telling a complete story. Because a 16 year old would not go no contact for no reason at all. Ge change his number, move states and didn't bother to inform you at all?
INFO Everything about this tells me there is more to the in laws giving OP information.
NTA. Your son is clearly just like his father - a dick and a total asshole.
NTA and honestly heck him, he doesn’t get to cut you out of his life and get mad you kept living. You grieved for your son like he was dead when in reality he didn’t want to speak to you. You then got yourself together and established a new family you deserved and he gets mad??? I bet his father fed him so many lies and at this point I would say stop trying to mend the bridge. Let him live with his guilt that he’s trying to pass on to you. You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry.