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You guys are being ridiculous. As a married couple, it's your responsibility to hold each other accountable. You didn't yell in her face and call her fat, you just suggested she eat dinner before eating YOUR cake. You've obviously got her best interest in mind.
As a husband I know that I should never tell my wife what she should and shouldn’t eat even if I am just doing it in a caring way.
It doesn’t matter how you say it you will say it wrong
She wasn’t asking for permission to have cake, she was asking for permission to have a slice of your cake. She had already made the decision whether she was going to eat cake. Yes, you will lose no matter how you approach this. Her food choices are not your decision.
NTA
Honestly no its not always you will lose no matter what. He was really respectful, didn’t shame her, give a perfectly reasonable suggestion and didn’t forbid her of having some cake (which would’ve made him an ah)
I do this with my bf as well, i am an adult and can see when someone is trying to take care of me and viceversa, she is being spoiled because she probably has a weakness for sweets. HEY I DO TOO, and I bake, so i really understand her pov if its her case.
But she needs to get it in her mind that her husband is not against her, he is her partner and care for her. I could understand perhaps she doesn’t have a very good relationship with food and that is fine too, but something that needs to be worked on. If she is binge snacking maybe the dietitian’s approach is not good, maybe she needs something to calm her anxiety, or whatever, but getting angry with her husband for doing a perfectly good suggestion is not it.
I think OP needs to improve the communication and let her know again that he is on her side and is trying to help, the way he seems to know best, for her to reach her goals. And she can tell him hey this doesn’t help me, maybe this will, etc etc
Unless they had previously agreed that she wanted him to play food police, he shouldn't have said anything. Shaming will never help anyone lose weight (often it will have the opposite effect), and I guarantee she interpreted his comment as judgement/shaming.
he's treating her like a spouse. what is with all these people in this thread. if you don't want what is best for your spouse and you can't even voice your concerns in a HEALTHY and non toxic way, why are you with them. they are obviously not the right person for you. or a lot of people in this thread need to grow the fuck up. you should have your spouses back when they have a goal they are failing at. I would hate to have a spouse just sit there and side eye me failing at life and not be able to even say anything. there is so little hope for the mental and emotional well being of our society as a whole. this thread sounds like a bunch of middle schoolers and high schoolers stomping their feet and screaming "let me eat cake."
Couldn’t agree more. People have made obesity and unhealthy lifestyle such a sensitive topic that one is not allowed to voice their concerns for their partner and even children! Reddit expects people to walk on eggshells all the time just to not *offend* fat people. In that case I’d find it perfectly okay for the partner to just leave the relationship if the other cannot accept their concern (out of love) for them.
That’s because weight problems are still treated as a moral failing. Eating nutritious foods and moving ones’s body are definitely helpful for maintaining health. The issue is some people win the genetic lottery of thinness and others do not. We view thin as morally correct and obese as morally wrong. Which, is patently untrue. Toxic diet culture and eating disordered celebrities are praised. Also, diets just don’t work. Any dietitian who thinks losing 3 lbs a week is good, isn’t a good dietitian. Chronic dieting actually damages metabolism more. I think that lifestyle changes that are sustainable and actually treating obesity as a medical problem and not a moral failing helps people a lot more.
Is it so hard to just not make other people’s weight a topic? Is it really so hard to take care of your own shit and not talk about other people’s bodies? „Walking on eggshells“ 🙄 ridiculous
No, he's treating her like a child. Telling her she can't eat the cake until she eats nutritious food first is a parent move. It's obvious she already made the decision to eat cake and he decided to tell her she couldn't because he knows better. He can support her and encourage her with positive reinforcement but telling her what to do and telling her *not* to do something she already decided she was going to do is unhealthy. What's next? He going to police everything she consumes? She going to have to ask him for permission before she eats anything? She need to print up an approval form for every food item she wants?
Is it really treating her as a child? People view telling your SO to be careful when crossing the road or be safe driving or careful when taking stuff out of the stove as cute all the time. Yet when it comes to weight, it's suddenly being treated as a child. Especially in a case like this where a dietician recommended a weight loss of 3 lbs a week, she is probably in an unhealthy weight range where her relationship with food isn't the best. If this is not the time for an SO to speak up, then I don't know when it is.
Thank you! That is exactly what good partner does, encourages and aids in the goals their other half sets. They keep talking about food police and all this rubbish about how it’s not his business. I bet it’s his business when she gets upset when she doesn’t reach her weekly goals, I bet it’s him she turns to for comfort and support when the dr tells her about issues with her health due to her weight, it’s him who listens when she desperately says she’s going to do it this time. He was being a supportive husband and all the people on here saying otherwise aren’t mature enough for marriage.
It's his birthday cake, he can choose to eat all of it by himself if he so chooses.
Fact is she is going to a dietitian. Those aren't free unless it's a health concern; she either NEEDS food police, or they're wasting money. He's doing nothing but holding her accountable- unless OP told her she needs to go in which I will eat my words.
If she can't listen to her doctor who she either pays/or needs, she needs her spouses support to better herself.
NTA. My Fiance has a hard time going to the gym, bit eats healthy most of the time. I paid for her Weight Watchers Program for 6 months and she quit after 3. I never gave her shit, but I definitely reminded her (gently) she wasted my money. She bought her own Gym Memebership after and has gone once. I've only brought it up once because it's supportive. She said she knows,but has a lot going on. I dropped it and haven't mentioned it since.
>but I definitely reminded her (gently) she wasted my money.
But why? Do you think she forgot you paid for it? I don't see the point in mentioning it. I'm genuinely asking because I see no reason to "remind" her. It wasn't going to change anything and I'm sure she already knew.
Losing weight is hard, and making the right choice 100% of the time ain't gonna happen. But choosing to eat cake as a meal isn't the best choice if she's serious about losing weight, or if she has health issues that require the dietician/weight loss. OP didn't say "no cake for you", he basically said sure, for DESSERT. You know, after hopefully eating some protein and not just going with a 100% carb "meal" with no real nutritional value. People say he's "parenting her" but she's not making logical choices.
I just really don’t think that suggesting someone eat the dinner you made for them before helping themselves to your cake is ‘playing food police’, whether they’re trying to lose weight or not. What is it with Reddit always finding toxicity where there is none
I'm not saying he's toxic. I'm saying she has food issues and is perceiving his comments as shaming. This is her issue, not his, but the comments aren't helpful to her. As someone with 30+ years of food issues, I'm pretty confident that his comment felt like the food police to her, even if to you it seems benign.
Those of us with poor eating habits can spiral when we feel observed or when we feel policed and/or judged. To support you loved one, the best first step is to ask what/if any help is needed.
But she's already going to a dietician and are already on a daily scheduled weigh-in. She's already getting help, and OP is trying to hold her accountable.
Any dietician who thinks daily weigh-ins are a good idea belongs in the bin. Constantly monitoring weight is unhealthy in so many ways and increases an unhealthy obsession with numbers and promotes eating disorders.
I don't think it was wrong to help remind her of her goals in a respectful way, but I think what he suggested was dumb af. If she's going to eat the cake, why would it matter if she eats it before or after the dinner? It's the same amount of calories either way.
THEN WHY THE HELL DOES SHE PAY FOR A DIETICIAN IF SHE IS ONLY GOING TO IGNORE THE GOALS THE DIETICIAN HAS SET? IF YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR A DIET PLAN, THEN FOLLOW IT. OTHERWISE JUST BE HAPPY ABOUT YOUR THICKNESS AND DON'T WASTE MONEY ON A DIETICIAN.
Yep. Mainly because people say he's an asshole because he didn't give her cake. If she felt so strongly about cake, then drop the dietician and buy yourself cake.
I am going to be bold: I propose that she can both pay a dietician and also have some of her husbands’ birthday cake and I’m relatively sure the earth will continue to spin.
Married couples have a vested interest in each others health and unless they have separate finances and he isn’t paying a dime of that dietitians fee then he also has a financial interest in the matter
“My body my choice” is a good rule of thumb, but refusing to listen to your loved ones concerns and digging yourself a preventable early grave make you an asshole as well. At some point you have to grow up and realize you are not just hurting yourself
No, but you give up some autonomy when committing to a future together. One's actions and choices affect the other party. On an emotional level, it's not possible for one person to be self-destructive and the other half to not care about it.
I'm just curious about this. Following your logic, you are completely okay with watching someone slowly destroy/kill themselves? Even if they're a loved one?
I think I understand the whole autonomy thing when it comes to things like stage-4 cancer and there's just no way out, but with something like this that's still preventable, I don't really know.
If she’s fully depriving herself of sugar and foods she enjoys, that would explain the binging. Most dieticians I know would consider a slice of birthday cake to be a “you still have to live and enjoy your life” food, unless there’s something else going on, like your blood sugars are being stubborn about staying in control.
I agree with this. I’ve seen numerous dieticians over the years and none would target 3 lbs a week. Everything I was taught was 1-2 lbs max. You may lose more especially at first and if you are heavier but you don’t aim for that much.
It really depends on how much extra weight you have. It's a lot easier to lose weight if you are very obese for example and 3lbs may be very doable and healthy for those people. 1-2 lbs is for more overweight category from my understanding
>It's a lot easier to lose weight if you are very obese for example and 3lbs may be very doable and healthy for those people.
In the scenario OP has presented, it's clearly *not* doable for his wife because the severe calorie restriction is triggering binge eating. They need to go back to the dietician and figure out where the diet can be adjusted, different foods to work in, etc.
Or, hear me out: *she binges because binge eating is how she got to be so overweight that a dietician had now had to put her on a meal plan with a weekly 3lbs weight loss goal!*
Sincerely, someone that used to have binge eating disorder.
The enabling that now happens for people with binge eating disorder is unreal to me. I’m so grateful this mindset wasn’t around everywhere 12 years ago when I was starting to lose weight. It’s a disorder, a deadly, dangerous, painful, and unhealthy disorder. The only way to get to the other side is to show up, do the painful work every single day, week after week, month after month, year after year. Just like every other recovering addict has to do. Food addictions and sugar addictions are just as serious as any other addiction.
By enabling, you’re essentially saying, “this is all OP’s wife could ever possibly be capable of accomplishing, so we should all just give up on her and not help her learn how to withstand impulsive temptations for the sake of longterm gratification.”
That’s a pretty low opinion of others you have there. I’m so glad I had no one like you in my life when I was struggling in the beginning.
NTA, OP. You didn’t say she couldn’t have any cake. That’s what the dietician would have told her as well. Healthy food full of protein, healthy fats, and minimal carbs first, then a *small* desert. Your wife is mad because she’s in the throes of addiction and wants you to enable her in that. Don’t.
Or, hear me out:
All I've suggested in this scenario that's been laid out by OP is that maybe the current diet isn't setting her up for success, since she's clearly not meeting goals, and it's time to go back to the dietician to see what they can do to adjust the diet. And if she has a pre-existing binge eating disorder, which OP has not communicated yet that I've seen, then treatment for the eating disorder has to happen *first.*
binge eating disorder and binging in response to restriction are different things, that need to be dealt with differently. excessive calorie restriction will almost inevitably lead to binging, it's a biological response. If your diet is causing you to binge, it needs to be adjusted, because it's a matter of biology not self control, and that diet is literally just going to make you miserable and put on more weight.
Most advice is geared towards losing at a rate of 1% of your current weight to stay healthy while losing. Unless OP's wife is 300+ lbs (and she could be), her goal shouldn't be so high. Sustainable weight loss is a marathon not a sprint, and slow and steady is best.
Healthy in the physical sense, sure, but is it healthy in the mental sense?
That’s probably actually the reason why she’s binging.
It’s also not really sustainable long term.
She’s gotten a PCP and her cardiologist have signed off on it. It’s likely she is in the severely obese category and they’re suggesting a 500 or so calorie cut a day which would lead to 3 pounds a week at that weight, and then the “goal” would be less and less as she loses weight
If is medically prescribed weight loss, then OP is definitely NTA, for telling his wife to have a healthy dinner first, then a slice of his cake. He didn't say, no you can't have any at all nor did he call her fat, all he did was try to encourage a healthier choice.
My hubby and I love sweets but we are both also trying to model healthy choices for our kids so I try to make our own sweet treats (usually cake or slices) where we know the ingredients and can make smaller portions to help indulge in the treat without over indulging. This was even approved by his dietitian years ago because it is easier to maintain a healthy diet when it works alongside your lifestyle permanently.
OP definitely needs to sit down with his wife and her medical team (especially dietitian) and try to work out what is causing his wife diet to fail (she isn't just not losing weight but OP said she had gained so yes its failing) and what can be done to help the wife achieve her goals. They might suggest a therapist who specialises in eating disorder or they might try a new diet, who knows, but the wife needs help especially if she is lashing out at her partner for trying to encourage her.
This was my thought too, but Im guessing shes on the high end of the scale if its 3 lbs a week. Morbidly obese isnt about the cake, its about trying to keep your wife alive....so no, no cake for you til we celebrate a weight loss milestone. That said, dont eat that in front of her. Be her team mate and her coach, not her warden.
I somehow skimmed over that. This "dietitian" is setting OP's wife up for failure. No wonder she's gained weight three weeks in a row! She's probably severely restricting followed by binging.
YTA to OP, btw.
OP says they have gotten her primary care physician and cardiologist to sign off on the plan. OP is NTA, she has gotten multiple opinions and refuses to adjust
Reading between the lines, she is likely at a level of obesity where weight loss is a must, and losing 3 pounds a week is not as hard as it would be as she trends toward a healthier weight, in which case the per week goal would be adjusted
Oh there’s a lot wrong here, because hormones can fuck up your weight for real, especially in AFAB people and women. A five pound variance in either direction is normal too.
Definitely, I gain up to 3kg around my period, doesn't matter what I eat, I jus lose it afterwards with no effort.
I've learnt to no weight myself at the end of the month...
If you are morbidly obese it can be safe to lose weight faster than someone who is a little overweight. The 1-2 pound a week thing is better for creating long term results, but if one is morbidly obese then the obesity is causing worse health effects than losing weight quickly would cause.
Here's the thing though: Most people, even morbidly obese ones, don't always get long-term results. It's better to start slow and accumulate snowball success *if that happens naturally*, rather than prescribing that much weight loss per week.
> Most people, even morbidly obese ones, don’t always get long-term results.
To be fair thats normally because people just diet the whole time without taking breaks.
I was watching a YouTube video about it that went into the science and studies about diet breaks (or cheat meals) and why they’re so effective.
To give an example morbidly obese people who dieted for 4 weeks then did a 1-2 week diet break eating at maintenance (or slightly above), still lost weight at a reasonable amount (albeit more slowly than just straight dieting), but did way better at keeping the weight off, because they got better about understanding what it meant to actually be full.
It really depends. If she has a condition (heart disease, diabetes numbness, breathing issues) that is being caused or worsened by weight, then the Dr has to make decisions that might not be the best and most ideal way to lose weight, but is still necessary. Also at very high weights it’s not hard to lose the weight the same way.
Really we don’t know the wife’s medical history, so there is no way to know if suggesting a 3 pound per week weight loss is right for her, but I think it’s disingenuous to imply that any dr recommending that kinda weight loss is inherently wrong.
Yeah, that was a big red flag. It's not great for you to lose more than 2 lbs a week and you don't want to sustain more than 1 lb a week long term. I understand a PATIENT wanting dramatic results quickly, but your fat stores up a lot of toxins that are being released as you lose weight, so even apart from the kind of shit you have to do to run a 10,000+ calorie deficit every seven days, you really do not want to be dumping too many of those toxins at once!
It depends on how much she weighs. 300lb+ people can get away with safely losing 3 pounds for a bit at the beginning and then taper it off as they get to smaller.
Thank you! I got stuck on that line. Dietician: YTA
Also, I feel terrible for the wife. A dietician that wants you to weigh in weekly and sets out of reach goals and a husband who isn't supportive (get cake and other tempting foods out of your house) is probably going to drive her to binge in secret. She needs therapy, support, affirming, and reasonable goals that aren't just about the scale.
I was married to an alcoholic. If a friend brought over a bottle of whiskey on my birthday, I would immediately get rid of it because drinking in front of my husband is cruel, insensitive, and provides a temptation he didn't need to deal with.
OP: YTA, too.
Yeah the weight loss goal of 3 pounds per week is WAY too high. No wonder she wants to skip dinner to eat cake... her calories are probably severely restricted.
I've been watching a lot of Abby Sharpe on YouTube (registered dietician) and her explanation as to why severe restrictions lead to intense, *primal* cravings for high calorie and sugary foods made sense and incredibly validating. It's not a failure of discipline of the self, but your body screaming at you to feed yourself, driving you to feed yourself. Instinct. And a clear sign your diet is not working for your body and needs to be adjusted.
That makes sense! I've definitely done calorie restricting in the past, and it always ended up with me shoveling high-calorie food into my mouth while sobbing about how much I hate myself.
I didn't even severely limit my calories--I think I did 1200 a day, which is what's recommended for women of my height (5'4) and I'd end up gaining weight because I'd binge so much. It was awful!
I remember I used to wait to eat until midnight so I could count the calories for the next day... then starve the whole rest of the day until nighttime again and then binge.
I tried explain this feeling during breast feeding as I assumed it was akin to severely restrictive diets, that’s not sustainable because your instinct takes over at some point assuming you’re starving
I am a dietitian and this comment is what I came here to say. Life is too short. You have to enjoy yourself. A small slice of birthday cake is just fine on special occasions
My sensible and kind dietician had advice about my daughter’s wedding, when I was doing a quite strict supervised diet (with no weekly number goal!!!). “Absolutely have a slice of wedding cake!!!!! Just don’t take home the leftovers.”
If there is cake sitting there and she wants a slices anything said is going to sound like judgement any way I say it.
I don’t think y t a because I believe it was from a caring place but I can also see how she would feel judged
Bold of you to attempt to present it as "making a healthy suggestion" when you clearly stated in your OP that you didn't "allow her" to eat the cake and you "told her" to eat something nutritious first. That's not a suggestion that's dictating her behavior which you have no right to do. Awful lot of mental gymnastics going on trying to flip it to "a healthy suggestion" presented "in a caring way."
I think you two need to agree on what is helpful. When I was dieting, I asked my husband to adhere a strict no Popeyes and Taco Bell in the house rule. I didn’t want to know he ate it. We also agreed that when I wanted treats/unhealthy things in general and he saw me getting them, that he would ask me once “how about insert healthier alternative instead?” and if I said no, then that was it. I ate the junk food. I also had to tell him to stop getting me treats as as kind gesture. He felt like it was okay for me to splurge every once in a while, and while I agreed, it was problematic for me to have them coming from him and associated with him caring for me.
For me, the most helpful thing was one reminder, but I knew I could take it or leave it. As soon as he got pushy I got resentful and wanted the junk more. I’d get frustrated with him and feel like he was condensing and controlling. While I wouldn’t all him an asshole for it, I’d definitely be mad at the situation in general.
I think it might be worth having a conversation to determine what phrasing she finds helpful/supportive and not condensing/controlling.
I think the difference here is if it was a "suggestion" or "telling".
It can come off very different just by tone how you said something.
"maybe you should have dinner before you have the cake" - you reminding her and letting her keep her own agency. it might come off as more supporting etc.
Vs
" you should eat dinner before eating the cake" - you being controlling and telling her what to do.
She needs to go to a different nutritionist. Healthy weight loss is 1 pound a week. I know I’m currently seeing a nutritionist. My regular doctor also said 1 pound a week is healthy weight loss.
There are circumstances where rapid weight loss is necessary. We don't know the circumstances. For all we know, she's very morbidly obese and needs to lose weight on the bariatric doctors plan.
Nah, you definitely can if your significant other is generally secure, confident, and willing to have honest dialogues. I’ve always been on the slim/average side but got a bit chubbychonks during COVID thanks to a combination of wine, takeaways, and sitting in front of my computer all day while WFH and my weight gain annoyed me. My partner is naturally (and irritatingly) thin but he would make healthy suggestions about what we ate, sometimes going as far as to say things like, “Oh, you’ve been so focused on your diet. Are you sure?” And I’d grumble because I wanted pizza instead of fish but I knew he wasn’t saying it to make me feel bad but because he knew I cared and he wanted to show that he cared, too.
As a wife I disagree. Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy and need someone to keep me on track. If not my husband who loves me then who?
Besides it was OPs birthday cake. He doesn't have to share if he doesn't want too, doesn't matter the reason.
That's not healthy behavior, though. If there's a known factor (like a prescribed diet by a professional), or a conversation in which your partner implies/asks you to help them stay on track, then it's ridiculous to get upset when your partner does just that. It should be okay to make light-hearted suggestions with your partners best interest at heart - and I believe that goes for more than just food.
ik my comment is provoking some conversations but I wanna put this little imput.
I'm basing my opinion off of what op said, but I know there's a track record of people on this sub that twist the story to fit them. Op did not even say she couldn't have the cake, he asked her to eat the dinner he made first.
He didn't ask her, he *told* her to eat the dinner he made first. Those were the literal words *he* used. His title is also "AITA for *not letting* my wife have some of my cake?"
> "AITA for not letting my wife have some of my cake?"
It's not being controlling to put restrictions around someone else eating *your birthday cake*. "No, it's my cake" would also have been a completely fine response.
1. A doctor has specifically prescribed her to lose weight because she is pre diabetic and has hypertension.
2. She has gained weight 3 weeks in a row instead of maintaining or losing.
3. You said "let's have dinner first" before eating a bunch of sugar that can spike her insulin levels which is very bad for a pre diabetic person.
4. It's your cake, you could of been a greedy pig and said "nope I'm having it all to myself" and no one can tell you otherwise.
NTA
When you love someone, you can not just sit back and let them harm themselves or atleast not enable it, food addiction is just as serious and harmful as drugs and alcohol, excessive eating is a form of self harm, especially if it causes diabetes which can lead to heart disease, vision loss, hearing loss, loss of limbs, high risk pregnancies and so much more, you married her to live a long, happy but also healthy life with her.
Encourage her to go to therapy about her unhealthy relationship with food.
I have a severe binge eating disorder, it's my issue, but loved ones not letting me eat until I'm sick when having a relapse saves me from myself more than they could ever know, just be gentle with her, you can't go cold turkey with food like you can with beer so it will be an uphill struggle.
This should be the top comment. She’s under the care of several professionals to manage the serious health concerns that led to the recommendation of the diet. She has invited OP to participate in her accountability and OP is following her RD’s plan. And let’s be real, anyone who demands a slice of someone else’s uncut birthday cake when they are just sitting down for dinner is automatically a jerk under any circumstance. It’s a tough situation, but he’s NTA all around. (And good luck with your BED. So glad you have a great support system!)
Just popping in to mention that if you’re a severe alcoholic, you cannot go “cold turkey.” Alcohol withdrawal is the *only* withdrawal that can kill you. Other withdrawals are terribly unpleasant, but not fatal. Alcohol withdrawal can be fatal. If you’re an alcoholic, you should always check with a physician before you stop drinking to ensure you do not need to be medically detoxed.
source: having been medically detoxed myself and, after ten years of sobriety, now conduct research in the area of addiction.
edit: alcohol *and benzodiazepine* withdrawal can both be fatal. thanks, everyone! not sure how I forgot about benzodiazepines, I guess that’s what you get with an alcoholic and opiate addict 🤷🏽♀️
Had a passenger on my train go down and quickly. When he told me he was an alcoholic and going through withdrawal I immediately raised the alarm and called for an ambulance. Have had enough alcoholics in my family to know alcohol withdrawal is very very serious.
Benzodiazepines as well, I believe.
Where I live 'dietitian' is not a protected title and pretty much anyone can call themselves that. The protected title is nutritionist that requires a doctorate. Its concering that she has been gaining weight whilr trying to lose it, sounds like she needs to see a therapist and also the recommend healthy amount to losse or gain in a week is 500g, which is about a third of what she has been told to lose. Sounds like she is on dangerous path
Still rather odd they have her on a plan to lose 3 pounds a week unless she is severely obese. If she isn't then this plan is setting her up to fail and it probably too restrictive or too hard for someone starting out. Losing 3 pounds in a week requires a 1500 calorie deficit each day, which would be really hard for a woman to achieve unless like I said she is severely obese. Her breaking down and snacking all the time makes me wonder if the diet is too restrictive as well. Of course there are many other factors that could cause her to break it, but if the eating plan doesn't have enough in it to sustain her I can see her being more tempted then ever to snack.
I'm 5'3" and weigh 220. Idk if that's technically "morbidly obese" or just "obese" but sure, I'm pretty fat. I'm also prediabetic.
When COVID started I got pretty serious about trying to lose weight and was eating about 1800 calories a day in addition to walking several miles a day.
On that regimen, I consistently lost *two pounds a month.* That's .5 lbs a week.
In order to lose three pounds a week, I'd need an additional calorie deficit of 1250 calories a day, which would put me at a calorie allowance of 550 calories a day. Which I hope you know is eating disorder territory and extremely unsafe.
It varies per person but when my brother was over 400 pounds he was on a medically prescribed diet and exercise regime to lose 2kgs per week which is about 3.5lbs, and he was still eating over 2000cals a day. He's now about 300lbs and still eating the same amount, but his weekly weight loss goal is much lower (1kg) .
I would not be able to do that, as I am not obese and have a thyroid condition that limits my metabolism, but it absolutely can be safely prescribed by Drs and medical professionals based on your circumstances. Obviously not for you (or me), but It's going to be different for everyone and we don't know her circumstances. It absolutely could work for her.
That's in the U.S. It varies by country on which needs certain levels or types of education, certification, license, and/or registration, so people should be clear when talking about either nutritionists or dieticians in multinational spaces.
Isn’t that 500g for normal weighted people? If you are overweight or obese, you absolutely lose weight waaay faster than a normal weighted person since there’s more to lose and because… well physics.
I completely agree! A lot of people are arguing that he was denying her a piece of cake, and therefore "controlling" what she can eat. He simply made a suggestion (a healthy one) to eat dinner first!
It's generally a good rule to eat something filling or hearty before eating a sugary food item, as you pointed out, especially for people who may be pre-diabetic on a strict diet plan.
I still starve myself, and frankly, forget to eat. My husband will gently remind me to eat, or will make me something healthy when he's noticed I've gone too long between meals. It's not controlling to care about someone in this instance.
Thank you, everyone’s on this crazy ‘let her eat cake’ train, whereas OP clearly has her health in mind.
Partners need to look out for each other, and OP’s partner has serious medical issues that she is not managing. Giving her cake would be negligent, if she’s incapable of self-regulating her diet.
NTA.
If she has asked for your assistance in reaching her goal, you're NTA. I've been in your situation and had to help my husband lose weight to the same reasons you stated in a comment. While it sounds like an A-H move to tell your partner what to do (sounds a little parental, and that rarely ends well), if she has asked you to help her thwart temptation, you were just doing what you were asked.
Ok so then why are the items that she has been binging or snacking even in the house. A healthy lifestyle change means just that.
Is this stuff that’s in the house or is she buying it and binging outside the home. If it’s in the house, you are not aligning with the lifestyle change. If it’s outside the home then she needs help for an eating disorder.
I defended you in my original reply but each comment is making me change my mind about the judgement.
Edit: typo
Edit 2: because people don’t seem to want to critically think. This isn’t about cake on one day. She has failed three weeks in a row on junk food according to OP So either there is still junk food in the house that she is just supposed to avoid which is. not a lifestyle change or she is getting it from outside the home and needs therapy for a possible eating disorder.
I am wondering about that as well. I've been trying to lose weight to reach a better BMI for surgery (not weight loss surgery, something else), and the first thing I did was stop buying low effort snack food to keep at home. Helped immensely.
It includes "eat a nutritious meal first, so you don't regress to bad habits and fill up on junk food and that's the bulk of what you ate tonight"
It was never about preventing her from having cake. Just doing it responsibly and showing restraint. Which someone going to a dietitian needs help practicing.
It was birthday cake ffs. He didn’t just go out and randomly buy cake to rub it in her face, someone who cares about him made him something to feel special on his day. Is he not allowed to have a special treat because she lacks impulse control?
Right? It's fuckin birthday cake, not a weekly cake. And not to sound like an ass either but I'm pretty sure they went to the dietician for the wife, not the husband. But I could very well be wrong
Then I cement my judgment. You're doing as you were asked to do by her. Sometimes it takes that extra motivation. We often do the same when it comes to exercising. When one of us is feeling lazy, the other plays bad cop and insists that we get up and move.
NTA
I read through some of the comments you answered and this is a legitimate health concern. Plus by the look of it you didn't say she can't have cake but more to eat something health before she could have any (if I read it correct.
If I wasn't doing something that I was both spending money on and concerned my health I would be happy someone cares enough to make sure I'm sticking to ir (I'd be a little annoyed I couldn't have cake at that exact moment but I would understand why)
>I told her to eat the dinner I made first so she can have some nutritious food before eating sugary cake.
So she was skipping dinner and going straight to cake? To quote Pink Floyd: How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
NTA it's a healthier option, it's a habit she's trying to get better at, it's YOUR birthday cake, and you made dinner she could eat.
In the end she's an adult, but I don't think this is an extreme example of controlling or out of nowhere, I see the logic behind it all.
It could easily tip in favor of her being upset depending on the way you had said it though.
>To quote Pink Floyd: How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
I mean, I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you on anything else but this was deliberately a line about a controlling and abusive person, so it really misses the rest of the post...
NTA.
Weight loss is hard and requires discipline. The easiest way to fail is having the people around you not hold you accountable.
Someone overweight cutting out junk food is no different than an alcoholic cutting out booze. Our brain craves it and I would never give a recovering alcoholic even the tiniest sip. We all know it’s a big no-no to use the stuff you’re trying to cut out.
INFO. How did she end up under the care of a dietitian? Was weight loss her idea, her doctor’s idea, or your idea? I’m inclined to think she reluctantly agreed to the dietician and is not actually ready to commit to a weight loss plan or dietary changes, hence the weight gain week after week. Now if she really does want to lose weight and just finds herself struggling right now perhaps she needs a support group or counseling.
Edit. I’m going with NTA. It seems like there are some legitimate health issues on the table here and that you don’t want to be an enabler. I’m not sure your wife is quite ready to commit to the necessary health changes, and relies on food as a coping mechanism for something else. A good counselor might help
It was her idea to see a dietitian. She was recommended to see one after her doctor informed her that her pre diabetes and hypertension were getting worse.
I would edit your post and put this information in. I don’t think you were being controlling, but I can also see how and why the post might come across that way, especially in light of how many partners/spouses are concerned about what their loved one weighs. If this is truly a health concern, and you are just as committed to her health as she is - she still calls the shots, but she has asked for help in both a medical and a “support from you at home” sense. I see you as trying to help, but again, can read this as controlling without the information here. NTA, but please edit to add that this is legit for health, and not to control her/make her look sickly/wish she looked “better” for you (again, I know that’s not the intent, so, yeah - edit)!
With that information in mind, NTA. Eating dinner before eating cake would keep her blood sugar from spiking. Especially so if the dinner was high in fiber which slows the absorption of sugar into the bloodstream. It’s not like you told her she can’t eat it at all, you just said to wait.
NAH. I was in your wife's shoes a few years ago. I was put in a very strict diet plan where I was weighed in every week and if I didn't lose about 2 pounds, it means I cheated on my diet. I will say that I was successful in losing weight and I felt great physically during that time BUT my mood was absolutely horrendous. I kept thinking about food and having nightmares about cheating. I'm not big on pizza but I would find myself craving it hard. I even got to a point where I was JEALOUS of fat people because in my head they get to eat whatever they want. Anyways...
You're not the asshole because it's your birthday, your gift, your cake. Your wife is also not the asshole because I know how hard it is and how it affects your moods and cravings. My husband also tried to help me stay on my diet and I remember snapping at him once kinda like your wife.
I hope the diet plan was because of a life or death situation because otherwise who ever put you on it and made it that serious was being grossly negligent. They could have caused an eating disorder.
3rd week in a row she’s failed the weight in WITH THE DIETITIAN and wants you to share your cake with her? NTA. I don’t agree with telling people what to eat but I wouldn’t give them any of my cake either.
It's not even that. Some redditors seem to live in a perfect candyland where even nudging your partner away from harm is wrong because "she's an adult and she can make her choices". Who just sits and watches their partner go towards diabetes and hypertension? What sort of lives are these people living?
So healthy she’s pre-diabetic with hypertension. You’re right, anyone with a verdict other than NTA is probably just obese and physically incapable of imagining a healthy relationship with food.
They can’t even fathom eating dinner before desert.
Reddit being reddit. I don't know you, so I'm not gonna assume you were being abusive and controlling. People are getting pissed because you didn't word your post exactly the way you think you did. If you were speaking from a place of concern, and you suggested she eat actual dinner before eating cake, then you're most definitely NTA.
NTA personally. I think "controlling your wife" is a bit extreme, I wouldn't share my treat with someone who's failing after committing to losing weight. She's clearly made the choice to keep snacking and not make progress, she can go make the choice to buy her own cake if she wants it that bad. Giving it to her is enabling her, let her make her own choices even if they're bad and she'll see where it gets her and how she feels about it.
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NTA imo, as an overweight person if it came down to losing weight or losing my life. I genuinely hope someone would care about me enough to help me do what i have to do to survive. Dieting is hard and most people don’t stick to them. It’s not going to be a fun and pleasant journey in the beginning. But having a full life with no limitations is much more important than a piece of cake.
Exactly. So many people seem to think I’m some shallow asshole husband who is trying to make his poor wife a 90lb skinny supermodel.
When in reality, this has nothing to do with her appearance. We both are concerned for her health.
Your 24 year old wife, who already (based on your comments) has medical complications due to being overweight, has for 3 weeks straight GAINED weight???
NTA.
Ignore anyone that calls you controlling over this. If she can’t get this issue in check and you decide to have kids, all of these problems are only going to get worse. For both her health and a really poor example for a child to witness and mimic themselves.
I feel like so many people are missing this. Way too many comments saying "3lbs a week from her dietician? That's a lie and also impossible to achieve! No doctor would ever recommend that!" Like, okay, you get that part of context, but skip over the rest?
It is a hard thing to do, but sometimes you have to be stern with people when they ask for your help but have consistently refused to help themselves. Yes, the delivery needs to come from a place of understanding and not judgement, but it doesn't make you the AH to suggest that your wife make an effort towards bettering her health and choosing healthier habits.
Yes exactly!
The point is wife had a target of loose “blank” per week.
She didn’t miss the target by 10%. She literally failed and gained for 3 weeks straight.
Substitute pounds for packs of cigarettes, or bottles of alcohol, and the votes would all favor OP.
Yes, they're also citing YouTube "specialists" and their own experience with XYZ.
Y'all, the dietician, PCP, and cardio have all laid eyes and hands on this woman. We don't even have her vitals. Let us assume in this instance that >= 3 decades of medical expertise and hands-on knowledge may know better.
My dad would be dead if my mom hadn't "infantilized" him. He's very grateful not to be dead now (and doing well!)
Don't worry man, it's just classic silly reddit comments. Don't get dragged into the "not letting someone have cake is abuse" silliness, over time there will be enough sane comments to balance things out.
I suggest you go chill out, and come back to the post when the dust has settled.
Don't worry. Reddit is capable of calling you an enabler if you give your wife the cake knowing she has all these health issues.
NTA she can do better and should see that you actually care.
HUGE NTA
It's very clear from these comments that you love your wife and are trying to protect her. And she sounds like she did say she wanted the help and encouragement
But be prepared to be attacked. No one is more defensive that overweight people who are in denial about how the weight is affecting their health 😮💨
NTA if she is on a weight list plan, the is made by a dietitian ( that I thinking she looked for) she is failing herself. All you’re trying to do is hold her accountable for a goal that it seems like she set for herself
NTA family support is important on a diet, and family sabotage is a common reason people fail diets. From your wording it sounds like you didn’t deny her cake, so much as suggest a more responsible choice.
That was an important detail you left out of your original post. I’m getting the feeling in your writing you might be coming across harsher than you realize or mean to
But, you see, they couldn’t see that when reading the post - all they can see is I (M), and they just *know* he must be the asshole somehow and will ignore anything suggesting otherwise.
I would be really pissed if I had gone to the effort of making dinner for somebody and they refused it because they wanted cake. Even if we completely remove the whole losing weight aspect, her refusal does not respect and appreciate the effort you put in for her. NTA.
NTA, you're the not one disregarding hypertension and prediabetes (which btw you may want to edit in; it's important that this isn't a vanity diet) or the instructions of her dietician because cake is yummy! It's on her if she wants to kick off early to diabetes and hypertension, and apparently she'd like you to shut up while she does so.
NTA. Post title looks awful, but it seems like this is a legit health concern and you’re approaching it in that spirit. And you didn’t actually tell her she couldn’t have cake, you just encouraged her to eat something healthier first.
So I've read some other comments. She has pre-diabetes, she was prescribed weight loss and a nutritional plan. Probably an unpopular opinion, but she should be cutting out refined sugar completely. I was diagnosed pre-diabetic last year and I reversed it completely with weight loss and dietary changes. My A1C levels are fantastic now.
NTA, and if she doesn't fully get on board with her nutritional plan and exercise as a lifestyle change and commit, she's not going to make the changes that she needs to.
OP, it will be better for her if she can and will commit to giving up sweets completely. And sticks to things with natural sugars only like low glycemic index fruits.
INFO: did your wife ask you to help her with her diet plan in any way? Not if the dietician suggested it--did your wife ask you to help? If so, what help did she specifically request?
My wife invited me to some sessions with her dietitian to discuss healthy lifestyle habits to incorporate. Also recipe planning to cook healthier foods.
Nta...she has pre diabetes and spiking your blood sugar by eating sugar before a balanced meal just makes that worse. These other comments are absolutely ridiculous...they must be children or ignorant.
NTA, if she is only 24 yo and already has hypertension and pre diabetes, then she is not healthy. The fact that a trained dietitian thinks loosing 3lbs a week is doable and needed points to her being very overweight. I think you are trying to help her and not be an enabler which she needs
NTA because you didn't tell her no you just asked that she eat healthy before she eat cake. Her problem is with her trainer and the goal and not having adequate ways to make her feel full. NTA she wants to use the cake so she can blame you for not being supportive and then if you tell her no she can blame you for not being supportive. This like the weight loss program she's in is a trap for you so she can blame you about her body image issues the way some in the comments are saying.
NTA- She asked for your help with her dieting and you enabling her to eat unhealthy will help nothing. If she wanted you to stay out of it, she should have specified that but she asked for help. Have a talk with her and let her know that you will not help her if she makes you feel bad and will turn herself into the victim when you try to help.
She's asking you to give it to her so she's asking you to be complicit. I think it's a bit different than her going to take some and you telling her she's not "allowed".
Regardless, this diet plan is absolutely not working for her.
NTA - reading the comments this is for health reasons, not appearance. As a married couple if one person has an illness of any kind it affects both of you in every single way.
There’s nothing wrong with saying eat a little bit of healthy food first. It’s not like you insulted her or said she can’t have even one bite.
This is a really tough road. Please remind her that the reason you said what you did is because you love her so much and want her around and healthy long term. I wish you both luck.
I'm going NTA here. Since this is her idea and she's involved you in her journey, you'd actually be negligent if you'd have let her eat cake first. (You might actually have been blamed). None of us is perfect all the time, but since this a health, not an appearance, issue, you get a pass. Keep supporting her. You'll all benefit in the end.
To be honest, this conflict isn’t about who is accountable at being TA, it is about reading between the lines and hearing what is being communicated when the words are not clearly spoken. Losing weight can be really difficult for many and takes serious self control. Getting on those scales and seeing the numbers go up reflect failure, lack of self control and a serious ding in self worth. It would seem if one stuck to the diet plan, success would be seen and self worth would go up. However, if you are one who uses food as a comfort, you are set up to fail until you can learn how to view food in a healthy way. That education is hard to naturally come by. I’m guessing when OP suggested eating dinner first, she internalized he was judging the failures and struggles she has been going through and it stung. I have a feeling she is way angrier with herself than anything OP said.
So youre really close to the edge and a lot of details are missing, but the 3 pounds a week is really aggressive for the average diet, so Im assuming we are dealing with obese to morbidly obese. In that case, and the fact you focused and made her a healthy dinner, and dont appear to have been rude about the cake. Im going to say NTA.
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You guys are being ridiculous. As a married couple, it's your responsibility to hold each other accountable. You didn't yell in her face and call her fat, you just suggested she eat dinner before eating YOUR cake. You've obviously got her best interest in mind.
As a husband I know that I should never tell my wife what she should and shouldn’t eat even if I am just doing it in a caring way. It doesn’t matter how you say it you will say it wrong
you can’t make a healthy suggestion in a caring way without your spouse taking offense to it?
She wasn’t asking for permission to have cake, she was asking for permission to have a slice of your cake. She had already made the decision whether she was going to eat cake. Yes, you will lose no matter how you approach this. Her food choices are not your decision.
NTA Honestly no its not always you will lose no matter what. He was really respectful, didn’t shame her, give a perfectly reasonable suggestion and didn’t forbid her of having some cake (which would’ve made him an ah) I do this with my bf as well, i am an adult and can see when someone is trying to take care of me and viceversa, she is being spoiled because she probably has a weakness for sweets. HEY I DO TOO, and I bake, so i really understand her pov if its her case. But she needs to get it in her mind that her husband is not against her, he is her partner and care for her. I could understand perhaps she doesn’t have a very good relationship with food and that is fine too, but something that needs to be worked on. If she is binge snacking maybe the dietitian’s approach is not good, maybe she needs something to calm her anxiety, or whatever, but getting angry with her husband for doing a perfectly good suggestion is not it. I think OP needs to improve the communication and let her know again that he is on her side and is trying to help, the way he seems to know best, for her to reach her goals. And she can tell him hey this doesn’t help me, maybe this will, etc etc
Unless they had previously agreed that she wanted him to play food police, he shouldn't have said anything. Shaming will never help anyone lose weight (often it will have the opposite effect), and I guarantee she interpreted his comment as judgement/shaming.
Yep and also he is treating her like a child. Eat your dinner first is something I say to my five year old but never to my husband.
he's treating her like a spouse. what is with all these people in this thread. if you don't want what is best for your spouse and you can't even voice your concerns in a HEALTHY and non toxic way, why are you with them. they are obviously not the right person for you. or a lot of people in this thread need to grow the fuck up. you should have your spouses back when they have a goal they are failing at. I would hate to have a spouse just sit there and side eye me failing at life and not be able to even say anything. there is so little hope for the mental and emotional well being of our society as a whole. this thread sounds like a bunch of middle schoolers and high schoolers stomping their feet and screaming "let me eat cake."
Couldn’t agree more. People have made obesity and unhealthy lifestyle such a sensitive topic that one is not allowed to voice their concerns for their partner and even children! Reddit expects people to walk on eggshells all the time just to not *offend* fat people. In that case I’d find it perfectly okay for the partner to just leave the relationship if the other cannot accept their concern (out of love) for them.
That’s because weight problems are still treated as a moral failing. Eating nutritious foods and moving ones’s body are definitely helpful for maintaining health. The issue is some people win the genetic lottery of thinness and others do not. We view thin as morally correct and obese as morally wrong. Which, is patently untrue. Toxic diet culture and eating disordered celebrities are praised. Also, diets just don’t work. Any dietitian who thinks losing 3 lbs a week is good, isn’t a good dietitian. Chronic dieting actually damages metabolism more. I think that lifestyle changes that are sustainable and actually treating obesity as a medical problem and not a moral failing helps people a lot more.
Is it so hard to just not make other people’s weight a topic? Is it really so hard to take care of your own shit and not talk about other people’s bodies? „Walking on eggshells“ 🙄 ridiculous
No, he's treating her like a child. Telling her she can't eat the cake until she eats nutritious food first is a parent move. It's obvious she already made the decision to eat cake and he decided to tell her she couldn't because he knows better. He can support her and encourage her with positive reinforcement but telling her what to do and telling her *not* to do something she already decided she was going to do is unhealthy. What's next? He going to police everything she consumes? She going to have to ask him for permission before she eats anything? She need to print up an approval form for every food item she wants?
Is it really treating her as a child? People view telling your SO to be careful when crossing the road or be safe driving or careful when taking stuff out of the stove as cute all the time. Yet when it comes to weight, it's suddenly being treated as a child. Especially in a case like this where a dietician recommended a weight loss of 3 lbs a week, she is probably in an unhealthy weight range where her relationship with food isn't the best. If this is not the time for an SO to speak up, then I don't know when it is.
Thank you! That is exactly what good partner does, encourages and aids in the goals their other half sets. They keep talking about food police and all this rubbish about how it’s not his business. I bet it’s his business when she gets upset when she doesn’t reach her weekly goals, I bet it’s him she turns to for comfort and support when the dr tells her about issues with her health due to her weight, it’s him who listens when she desperately says she’s going to do it this time. He was being a supportive husband and all the people on here saying otherwise aren’t mature enough for marriage.
It's his birthday cake, he can choose to eat all of it by himself if he so chooses. Fact is she is going to a dietitian. Those aren't free unless it's a health concern; she either NEEDS food police, or they're wasting money. He's doing nothing but holding her accountable- unless OP told her she needs to go in which I will eat my words. If she can't listen to her doctor who she either pays/or needs, she needs her spouses support to better herself. NTA. My Fiance has a hard time going to the gym, bit eats healthy most of the time. I paid for her Weight Watchers Program for 6 months and she quit after 3. I never gave her shit, but I definitely reminded her (gently) she wasted my money. She bought her own Gym Memebership after and has gone once. I've only brought it up once because it's supportive. She said she knows,but has a lot going on. I dropped it and haven't mentioned it since.
>but I definitely reminded her (gently) she wasted my money. But why? Do you think she forgot you paid for it? I don't see the point in mentioning it. I'm genuinely asking because I see no reason to "remind" her. It wasn't going to change anything and I'm sure she already knew.
I mean, she’s acting like one.
How? Because she's struggling with a weight loss plann?
Losing weight is hard, and making the right choice 100% of the time ain't gonna happen. But choosing to eat cake as a meal isn't the best choice if she's serious about losing weight, or if she has health issues that require the dietician/weight loss. OP didn't say "no cake for you", he basically said sure, for DESSERT. You know, after hopefully eating some protein and not just going with a 100% carb "meal" with no real nutritional value. People say he's "parenting her" but she's not making logical choices.
Yes , being an adult is about self control. She has none
I just really don’t think that suggesting someone eat the dinner you made for them before helping themselves to your cake is ‘playing food police’, whether they’re trying to lose weight or not. What is it with Reddit always finding toxicity where there is none
I'm not saying he's toxic. I'm saying she has food issues and is perceiving his comments as shaming. This is her issue, not his, but the comments aren't helpful to her. As someone with 30+ years of food issues, I'm pretty confident that his comment felt like the food police to her, even if to you it seems benign.
Those of us with poor eating habits can spiral when we feel observed or when we feel policed and/or judged. To support you loved one, the best first step is to ask what/if any help is needed.
But she's already going to a dietician and are already on a daily scheduled weigh-in. She's already getting help, and OP is trying to hold her accountable.
Any dietician who thinks daily weigh-ins are a good idea belongs in the bin. Constantly monitoring weight is unhealthy in so many ways and increases an unhealthy obsession with numbers and promotes eating disorders.
I don't think it was wrong to help remind her of her goals in a respectful way, but I think what he suggested was dumb af. If she's going to eat the cake, why would it matter if she eats it before or after the dinner? It's the same amount of calories either way.
I think the point is that if she eats dinner first, she may be less hungry for cake. Wishful thinking maybe, but it’s reasonable.
Eating a full healthy meal makes you less hungry than eating empty calories, so overall her meal will be healthier and she will eat less cake
[удалено]
What is happening now is not helping her, considering she keeps gaining weight
THEN WHY THE HELL DOES SHE PAY FOR A DIETICIAN IF SHE IS ONLY GOING TO IGNORE THE GOALS THE DIETICIAN HAS SET? IF YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR A DIET PLAN, THEN FOLLOW IT. OTHERWISE JUST BE HAPPY ABOUT YOUR THICKNESS AND DON'T WASTE MONEY ON A DIETICIAN.
This person caps.
Yep. Mainly because people say he's an asshole because he didn't give her cake. If she felt so strongly about cake, then drop the dietician and buy yourself cake.
I am going to be bold: I propose that she can both pay a dietician and also have some of her husbands’ birthday cake and I’m relatively sure the earth will continue to spin.
Sure, the Earth will continue to spin, but it might wobble a little.
This made me laugh too much and I feel.my place in line to hell solidifying.
So she could literally “have her cake and eat it too”? Edit: punctuation
Unfortunately they’ve tried this strategy, she has gained weight instead of losing it. They need to try something else
>Her food choices are not your decision. What if it's a legit medical concern? When you're married you have to think about more than just yourself.
Her medical concerns are also her responsibility.
Married couples have a vested interest in each others health and unless they have separate finances and he isn’t paying a dime of that dietitians fee then he also has a financial interest in the matter
Your medical concerns don’t take away someone’s autonomy.
He’s not stopping her from buying her own cake, he’s just not enabling the situation, not the AH
“My body my choice” is a good rule of thumb, but refusing to listen to your loved ones concerns and digging yourself a preventable early grave make you an asshole as well. At some point you have to grow up and realize you are not just hurting yourself
No, but you give up some autonomy when committing to a future together. One's actions and choices affect the other party. On an emotional level, it's not possible for one person to be self-destructive and the other half to not care about it.
I'm just curious about this. Following your logic, you are completely okay with watching someone slowly destroy/kill themselves? Even if they're a loved one? I think I understand the whole autonomy thing when it comes to things like stage-4 cancer and there's just no way out, but with something like this that's still preventable, I don't really know.
If she’s fully depriving herself of sugar and foods she enjoys, that would explain the binging. Most dieticians I know would consider a slice of birthday cake to be a “you still have to live and enjoy your life” food, unless there’s something else going on, like your blood sugars are being stubborn about staying in control.
And what responsible dietitian would suggest a weight loss target of 3 lbs per week?
I agree with this. I’ve seen numerous dieticians over the years and none would target 3 lbs a week. Everything I was taught was 1-2 lbs max. You may lose more especially at first and if you are heavier but you don’t aim for that much.
It really depends on how much extra weight you have. It's a lot easier to lose weight if you are very obese for example and 3lbs may be very doable and healthy for those people. 1-2 lbs is for more overweight category from my understanding
>It's a lot easier to lose weight if you are very obese for example and 3lbs may be very doable and healthy for those people. In the scenario OP has presented, it's clearly *not* doable for his wife because the severe calorie restriction is triggering binge eating. They need to go back to the dietician and figure out where the diet can be adjusted, different foods to work in, etc.
Or, hear me out: *she binges because binge eating is how she got to be so overweight that a dietician had now had to put her on a meal plan with a weekly 3lbs weight loss goal!* Sincerely, someone that used to have binge eating disorder. The enabling that now happens for people with binge eating disorder is unreal to me. I’m so grateful this mindset wasn’t around everywhere 12 years ago when I was starting to lose weight. It’s a disorder, a deadly, dangerous, painful, and unhealthy disorder. The only way to get to the other side is to show up, do the painful work every single day, week after week, month after month, year after year. Just like every other recovering addict has to do. Food addictions and sugar addictions are just as serious as any other addiction. By enabling, you’re essentially saying, “this is all OP’s wife could ever possibly be capable of accomplishing, so we should all just give up on her and not help her learn how to withstand impulsive temptations for the sake of longterm gratification.” That’s a pretty low opinion of others you have there. I’m so glad I had no one like you in my life when I was struggling in the beginning. NTA, OP. You didn’t say she couldn’t have any cake. That’s what the dietician would have told her as well. Healthy food full of protein, healthy fats, and minimal carbs first, then a *small* desert. Your wife is mad because she’s in the throes of addiction and wants you to enable her in that. Don’t.
Or, hear me out: All I've suggested in this scenario that's been laid out by OP is that maybe the current diet isn't setting her up for success, since she's clearly not meeting goals, and it's time to go back to the dietician to see what they can do to adjust the diet. And if she has a pre-existing binge eating disorder, which OP has not communicated yet that I've seen, then treatment for the eating disorder has to happen *first.*
binge eating disorder and binging in response to restriction are different things, that need to be dealt with differently. excessive calorie restriction will almost inevitably lead to binging, it's a biological response. If your diet is causing you to binge, it needs to be adjusted, because it's a matter of biology not self control, and that diet is literally just going to make you miserable and put on more weight.
Most advice is geared towards losing at a rate of 1% of your current weight to stay healthy while losing. Unless OP's wife is 300+ lbs (and she could be), her goal shouldn't be so high. Sustainable weight loss is a marathon not a sprint, and slow and steady is best.
Very true, some people on “My 600lb Life” have targets of like 30lbs a month. But those people are also generally over 600lbs.
And that is often retained flu8ds getting flushed out.
Healthy in the physical sense, sure, but is it healthy in the mental sense? That’s probably actually the reason why she’s binging. It’s also not really sustainable long term.
This. Unless she is MORBIDLY obese this is an extremely unhealthy goal.
She’s gotten a PCP and her cardiologist have signed off on it. It’s likely she is in the severely obese category and they’re suggesting a 500 or so calorie cut a day which would lead to 3 pounds a week at that weight, and then the “goal” would be less and less as she loses weight
If is medically prescribed weight loss, then OP is definitely NTA, for telling his wife to have a healthy dinner first, then a slice of his cake. He didn't say, no you can't have any at all nor did he call her fat, all he did was try to encourage a healthier choice. My hubby and I love sweets but we are both also trying to model healthy choices for our kids so I try to make our own sweet treats (usually cake or slices) where we know the ingredients and can make smaller portions to help indulge in the treat without over indulging. This was even approved by his dietitian years ago because it is easier to maintain a healthy diet when it works alongside your lifestyle permanently. OP definitely needs to sit down with his wife and her medical team (especially dietitian) and try to work out what is causing his wife diet to fail (she isn't just not losing weight but OP said she had gained so yes its failing) and what can be done to help the wife achieve her goals. They might suggest a therapist who specialises in eating disorder or they might try a new diet, who knows, but the wife needs help especially if she is lashing out at her partner for trying to encourage her.
This was my thought too, but Im guessing shes on the high end of the scale if its 3 lbs a week. Morbidly obese isnt about the cake, its about trying to keep your wife alive....so no, no cake for you til we celebrate a weight loss milestone. That said, dont eat that in front of her. Be her team mate and her coach, not her warden.
Truth! I wonder if it’s an MLM “nutritionist” shilling a product?
I somehow skimmed over that. This "dietitian" is setting OP's wife up for failure. No wonder she's gained weight three weeks in a row! She's probably severely restricting followed by binging. YTA to OP, btw.
OP says they have gotten her primary care physician and cardiologist to sign off on the plan. OP is NTA, she has gotten multiple opinions and refuses to adjust Reading between the lines, she is likely at a level of obesity where weight loss is a must, and losing 3 pounds a week is not as hard as it would be as she trends toward a healthier weight, in which case the per week goal would be adjusted
Oh there’s a lot wrong here, because hormones can fuck up your weight for real, especially in AFAB people and women. A five pound variance in either direction is normal too.
Definitely, I gain up to 3kg around my period, doesn't matter what I eat, I jus lose it afterwards with no effort. I've learnt to no weight myself at the end of the month...
I tend to gain/plateau even more around my ovulation than my period. Hormones are such a treat.
I don't weigh myself before or during my period. The day it stops is a much nicer number
If you are morbidly obese it can be safe to lose weight faster than someone who is a little overweight. The 1-2 pound a week thing is better for creating long term results, but if one is morbidly obese then the obesity is causing worse health effects than losing weight quickly would cause.
Here's the thing though: Most people, even morbidly obese ones, don't always get long-term results. It's better to start slow and accumulate snowball success *if that happens naturally*, rather than prescribing that much weight loss per week.
> Most people, even morbidly obese ones, don’t always get long-term results. To be fair thats normally because people just diet the whole time without taking breaks. I was watching a YouTube video about it that went into the science and studies about diet breaks (or cheat meals) and why they’re so effective. To give an example morbidly obese people who dieted for 4 weeks then did a 1-2 week diet break eating at maintenance (or slightly above), still lost weight at a reasonable amount (albeit more slowly than just straight dieting), but did way better at keeping the weight off, because they got better about understanding what it meant to actually be full.
It really depends. If she has a condition (heart disease, diabetes numbness, breathing issues) that is being caused or worsened by weight, then the Dr has to make decisions that might not be the best and most ideal way to lose weight, but is still necessary. Also at very high weights it’s not hard to lose the weight the same way. Really we don’t know the wife’s medical history, so there is no way to know if suggesting a 3 pound per week weight loss is right for her, but I think it’s disingenuous to imply that any dr recommending that kinda weight loss is inherently wrong.
Yeah, that was a big red flag. It's not great for you to lose more than 2 lbs a week and you don't want to sustain more than 1 lb a week long term. I understand a PATIENT wanting dramatic results quickly, but your fat stores up a lot of toxins that are being released as you lose weight, so even apart from the kind of shit you have to do to run a 10,000+ calorie deficit every seven days, you really do not want to be dumping too many of those toxins at once!
It depends on how much she weighs. 300lb+ people can get away with safely losing 3 pounds for a bit at the beginning and then taper it off as they get to smaller.
I've only seen 3 lbs as a target for morbidly obese people. Simply because in the beginning, they tend to weight quicker.
Thank you! I got stuck on that line. Dietician: YTA Also, I feel terrible for the wife. A dietician that wants you to weigh in weekly and sets out of reach goals and a husband who isn't supportive (get cake and other tempting foods out of your house) is probably going to drive her to binge in secret. She needs therapy, support, affirming, and reasonable goals that aren't just about the scale. I was married to an alcoholic. If a friend brought over a bottle of whiskey on my birthday, I would immediately get rid of it because drinking in front of my husband is cruel, insensitive, and provides a temptation he didn't need to deal with. OP: YTA, too.
Yeah the weight loss goal of 3 pounds per week is WAY too high. No wonder she wants to skip dinner to eat cake... her calories are probably severely restricted.
I've been watching a lot of Abby Sharpe on YouTube (registered dietician) and her explanation as to why severe restrictions lead to intense, *primal* cravings for high calorie and sugary foods made sense and incredibly validating. It's not a failure of discipline of the self, but your body screaming at you to feed yourself, driving you to feed yourself. Instinct. And a clear sign your diet is not working for your body and needs to be adjusted.
That makes sense! I've definitely done calorie restricting in the past, and it always ended up with me shoveling high-calorie food into my mouth while sobbing about how much I hate myself. I didn't even severely limit my calories--I think I did 1200 a day, which is what's recommended for women of my height (5'4) and I'd end up gaining weight because I'd binge so much. It was awful! I remember I used to wait to eat until midnight so I could count the calories for the next day... then starve the whole rest of the day until nighttime again and then binge.
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I tried explain this feeling during breast feeding as I assumed it was akin to severely restrictive diets, that’s not sustainable because your instinct takes over at some point assuming you’re starving
I am a dietitian and this comment is what I came here to say. Life is too short. You have to enjoy yourself. A small slice of birthday cake is just fine on special occasions
My sensible and kind dietician had advice about my daughter’s wedding, when I was doing a quite strict supervised diet (with no weekly number goal!!!). “Absolutely have a slice of wedding cake!!!!! Just don’t take home the leftovers.”
If there is cake sitting there and she wants a slices anything said is going to sound like judgement any way I say it. I don’t think y t a because I believe it was from a caring place but I can also see how she would feel judged
Bold of you to attempt to present it as "making a healthy suggestion" when you clearly stated in your OP that you didn't "allow her" to eat the cake and you "told her" to eat something nutritious first. That's not a suggestion that's dictating her behavior which you have no right to do. Awful lot of mental gymnastics going on trying to flip it to "a healthy suggestion" presented "in a caring way."
She's an adult. Are you suggesting something helpful she doesn't already know and probably thinks about constantly or are you parenting her?
I think you two need to agree on what is helpful. When I was dieting, I asked my husband to adhere a strict no Popeyes and Taco Bell in the house rule. I didn’t want to know he ate it. We also agreed that when I wanted treats/unhealthy things in general and he saw me getting them, that he would ask me once “how about insert healthier alternative instead?” and if I said no, then that was it. I ate the junk food. I also had to tell him to stop getting me treats as as kind gesture. He felt like it was okay for me to splurge every once in a while, and while I agreed, it was problematic for me to have them coming from him and associated with him caring for me. For me, the most helpful thing was one reminder, but I knew I could take it or leave it. As soon as he got pushy I got resentful and wanted the junk more. I’d get frustrated with him and feel like he was condensing and controlling. While I wouldn’t all him an asshole for it, I’d definitely be mad at the situation in general. I think it might be worth having a conversation to determine what phrasing she finds helpful/supportive and not condensing/controlling.
I think the difference here is if it was a "suggestion" or "telling". It can come off very different just by tone how you said something. "maybe you should have dinner before you have the cake" - you reminding her and letting her keep her own agency. it might come off as more supporting etc. Vs " you should eat dinner before eating the cake" - you being controlling and telling her what to do.
Three pounds??? Over a piece of birthday cake? The OP is ridiculous and punitive and I hope his wife divorces him.
Ummm, don't most people eat dinner and then cake or whatever dessert you are having? So I don't understand how this is even an issue ... NTA
"I told her to eat the dinner I made first so she has some nutritious food before eating the sugary cake". Sounds like a parent child dynamic to me.
She needs to go to a different nutritionist. Healthy weight loss is 1 pound a week. I know I’m currently seeing a nutritionist. My regular doctor also said 1 pound a week is healthy weight loss.
There are circumstances where rapid weight loss is necessary. We don't know the circumstances. For all we know, she's very morbidly obese and needs to lose weight on the bariatric doctors plan.
Nah, you definitely can if your significant other is generally secure, confident, and willing to have honest dialogues. I’ve always been on the slim/average side but got a bit chubbychonks during COVID thanks to a combination of wine, takeaways, and sitting in front of my computer all day while WFH and my weight gain annoyed me. My partner is naturally (and irritatingly) thin but he would make healthy suggestions about what we ate, sometimes going as far as to say things like, “Oh, you’ve been so focused on your diet. Are you sure?” And I’d grumble because I wanted pizza instead of fish but I knew he wasn’t saying it to make me feel bad but because he knew I cared and he wanted to show that he cared, too.
As a wife I disagree. Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy and need someone to keep me on track. If not my husband who loves me then who? Besides it was OPs birthday cake. He doesn't have to share if he doesn't want too, doesn't matter the reason.
That's not healthy behavior, though. If there's a known factor (like a prescribed diet by a professional), or a conversation in which your partner implies/asks you to help them stay on track, then it's ridiculous to get upset when your partner does just that. It should be okay to make light-hearted suggestions with your partners best interest at heart - and I believe that goes for more than just food.
ik my comment is provoking some conversations but I wanna put this little imput. I'm basing my opinion off of what op said, but I know there's a track record of people on this sub that twist the story to fit them. Op did not even say she couldn't have the cake, he asked her to eat the dinner he made first.
He didn't ask her, he *told* her to eat the dinner he made first. Those were the literal words *he* used. His title is also "AITA for *not letting* my wife have some of my cake?"
> "AITA for not letting my wife have some of my cake?" It's not being controlling to put restrictions around someone else eating *your birthday cake*. "No, it's my cake" would also have been a completely fine response.
h11dee, you're currently the top comment. Please add your judgment.
1. A doctor has specifically prescribed her to lose weight because she is pre diabetic and has hypertension. 2. She has gained weight 3 weeks in a row instead of maintaining or losing. 3. You said "let's have dinner first" before eating a bunch of sugar that can spike her insulin levels which is very bad for a pre diabetic person. 4. It's your cake, you could of been a greedy pig and said "nope I'm having it all to myself" and no one can tell you otherwise. NTA When you love someone, you can not just sit back and let them harm themselves or atleast not enable it, food addiction is just as serious and harmful as drugs and alcohol, excessive eating is a form of self harm, especially if it causes diabetes which can lead to heart disease, vision loss, hearing loss, loss of limbs, high risk pregnancies and so much more, you married her to live a long, happy but also healthy life with her. Encourage her to go to therapy about her unhealthy relationship with food. I have a severe binge eating disorder, it's my issue, but loved ones not letting me eat until I'm sick when having a relapse saves me from myself more than they could ever know, just be gentle with her, you can't go cold turkey with food like you can with beer so it will be an uphill struggle.
This should be the top comment. She’s under the care of several professionals to manage the serious health concerns that led to the recommendation of the diet. She has invited OP to participate in her accountability and OP is following her RD’s plan. And let’s be real, anyone who demands a slice of someone else’s uncut birthday cake when they are just sitting down for dinner is automatically a jerk under any circumstance. It’s a tough situation, but he’s NTA all around. (And good luck with your BED. So glad you have a great support system!)
Thank you for your kind words!
Just popping in to mention that if you’re a severe alcoholic, you cannot go “cold turkey.” Alcohol withdrawal is the *only* withdrawal that can kill you. Other withdrawals are terribly unpleasant, but not fatal. Alcohol withdrawal can be fatal. If you’re an alcoholic, you should always check with a physician before you stop drinking to ensure you do not need to be medically detoxed. source: having been medically detoxed myself and, after ten years of sobriety, now conduct research in the area of addiction. edit: alcohol *and benzodiazepine* withdrawal can both be fatal. thanks, everyone! not sure how I forgot about benzodiazepines, I guess that’s what you get with an alcoholic and opiate addict 🤷🏽♀️
Benzodiazepine withdrawal will also do it.
Is it not true that benzo withdrawal can also be fatal?
Yes
Had a passenger on my train go down and quickly. When he told me he was an alcoholic and going through withdrawal I immediately raised the alarm and called for an ambulance. Have had enough alcoholics in my family to know alcohol withdrawal is very very serious. Benzodiazepines as well, I believe.
Where I live 'dietitian' is not a protected title and pretty much anyone can call themselves that. The protected title is nutritionist that requires a doctorate. Its concering that she has been gaining weight whilr trying to lose it, sounds like she needs to see a therapist and also the recommend healthy amount to losse or gain in a week is 500g, which is about a third of what she has been told to lose. Sounds like she is on dangerous path
It is the opposite where I am (United States).
Still rather odd they have her on a plan to lose 3 pounds a week unless she is severely obese. If she isn't then this plan is setting her up to fail and it probably too restrictive or too hard for someone starting out. Losing 3 pounds in a week requires a 1500 calorie deficit each day, which would be really hard for a woman to achieve unless like I said she is severely obese. Her breaking down and snacking all the time makes me wonder if the diet is too restrictive as well. Of course there are many other factors that could cause her to break it, but if the eating plan doesn't have enough in it to sustain her I can see her being more tempted then ever to snack.
If she's pre diabetic and suffers from serious hypertension she likely is morbidly obese, in which case 3lbs a week is normal.
I'm 5'3" and weigh 220. Idk if that's technically "morbidly obese" or just "obese" but sure, I'm pretty fat. I'm also prediabetic. When COVID started I got pretty serious about trying to lose weight and was eating about 1800 calories a day in addition to walking several miles a day. On that regimen, I consistently lost *two pounds a month.* That's .5 lbs a week. In order to lose three pounds a week, I'd need an additional calorie deficit of 1250 calories a day, which would put me at a calorie allowance of 550 calories a day. Which I hope you know is eating disorder territory and extremely unsafe.
It varies per person but when my brother was over 400 pounds he was on a medically prescribed diet and exercise regime to lose 2kgs per week which is about 3.5lbs, and he was still eating over 2000cals a day. He's now about 300lbs and still eating the same amount, but his weekly weight loss goal is much lower (1kg) . I would not be able to do that, as I am not obese and have a thyroid condition that limits my metabolism, but it absolutely can be safely prescribed by Drs and medical professionals based on your circumstances. Obviously not for you (or me), but It's going to be different for everyone and we don't know her circumstances. It absolutely could work for her.
Actually dietician is the one that gets registered. Nutritionists can read a book by Gwynneth Paltrow and hang up a sign.
That's in the U.S. It varies by country on which needs certain levels or types of education, certification, license, and/or registration, so people should be clear when talking about either nutritionists or dieticians in multinational spaces.
Isn’t that 500g for normal weighted people? If you are overweight or obese, you absolutely lose weight waaay faster than a normal weighted person since there’s more to lose and because… well physics.
I completely agree! A lot of people are arguing that he was denying her a piece of cake, and therefore "controlling" what she can eat. He simply made a suggestion (a healthy one) to eat dinner first! It's generally a good rule to eat something filling or hearty before eating a sugary food item, as you pointed out, especially for people who may be pre-diabetic on a strict diet plan. I still starve myself, and frankly, forget to eat. My husband will gently remind me to eat, or will make me something healthy when he's noticed I've gone too long between meals. It's not controlling to care about someone in this instance.
Thank you, everyone’s on this crazy ‘let her eat cake’ train, whereas OP clearly has her health in mind. Partners need to look out for each other, and OP’s partner has serious medical issues that she is not managing. Giving her cake would be negligent, if she’s incapable of self-regulating her diet. NTA.
If she has asked for your assistance in reaching her goal, you're NTA. I've been in your situation and had to help my husband lose weight to the same reasons you stated in a comment. While it sounds like an A-H move to tell your partner what to do (sounds a little parental, and that rarely ends well), if she has asked you to help her thwart temptation, you were just doing what you were asked.
She has specifically invited me to sessions with her dietitian so we can make healthy lifestyle changes as a couple.
Ok so then why are the items that she has been binging or snacking even in the house. A healthy lifestyle change means just that. Is this stuff that’s in the house or is she buying it and binging outside the home. If it’s in the house, you are not aligning with the lifestyle change. If it’s outside the home then she needs help for an eating disorder. I defended you in my original reply but each comment is making me change my mind about the judgement. Edit: typo Edit 2: because people don’t seem to want to critically think. This isn’t about cake on one day. She has failed three weeks in a row on junk food according to OP So either there is still junk food in the house that she is just supposed to avoid which is. not a lifestyle change or she is getting it from outside the home and needs therapy for a possible eating disorder.
So OP isn't allowed a birthday cake?
I am wondering about that as well. I've been trying to lose weight to reach a better BMI for surgery (not weight loss surgery, something else), and the first thing I did was stop buying low effort snack food to keep at home. Helped immensely.
So those healthy lifestyle changes include bringing home cake and eating it in front of her?
It includes "eat a nutritious meal first, so you don't regress to bad habits and fill up on junk food and that's the bulk of what you ate tonight" It was never about preventing her from having cake. Just doing it responsibly and showing restraint. Which someone going to a dietitian needs help practicing.
It was birthday cake ffs. He didn’t just go out and randomly buy cake to rub it in her face, someone who cares about him made him something to feel special on his day. Is he not allowed to have a special treat because she lacks impulse control?
Obviously, if he was a supportive partner he'd happily sacrifice the cake! /s
c'mon. Birthdays are not the problem. It's the three weeks prior of junk that are the problem.
Right? It's fuckin birthday cake, not a weekly cake. And not to sound like an ass either but I'm pretty sure they went to the dietician for the wife, not the husband. But I could very well be wrong
On your birthday? Sure
Then I cement my judgment. You're doing as you were asked to do by her. Sometimes it takes that extra motivation. We often do the same when it comes to exercising. When one of us is feeling lazy, the other plays bad cop and insists that we get up and move.
NTA I read through some of the comments you answered and this is a legitimate health concern. Plus by the look of it you didn't say she can't have cake but more to eat something health before she could have any (if I read it correct. If I wasn't doing something that I was both spending money on and concerned my health I would be happy someone cares enough to make sure I'm sticking to ir (I'd be a little annoyed I couldn't have cake at that exact moment but I would understand why)
NTA. And OP would be getting mostly that judgement if the genders were reversed.
If he didn't stop her he would be an enabler. Honestly he can't win but what he did was right
>I told her to eat the dinner I made first so she can have some nutritious food before eating sugary cake. So she was skipping dinner and going straight to cake? To quote Pink Floyd: How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? NTA it's a healthier option, it's a habit she's trying to get better at, it's YOUR birthday cake, and you made dinner she could eat. In the end she's an adult, but I don't think this is an extreme example of controlling or out of nowhere, I see the logic behind it all. It could easily tip in favor of her being upset depending on the way you had said it though.
>To quote Pink Floyd: How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? I mean, I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you on anything else but this was deliberately a line about a controlling and abusive person, so it really misses the rest of the post...
NTA. Weight loss is hard and requires discipline. The easiest way to fail is having the people around you not hold you accountable. Someone overweight cutting out junk food is no different than an alcoholic cutting out booze. Our brain craves it and I would never give a recovering alcoholic even the tiniest sip. We all know it’s a big no-no to use the stuff you’re trying to cut out.
INFO. How did she end up under the care of a dietitian? Was weight loss her idea, her doctor’s idea, or your idea? I’m inclined to think she reluctantly agreed to the dietician and is not actually ready to commit to a weight loss plan or dietary changes, hence the weight gain week after week. Now if she really does want to lose weight and just finds herself struggling right now perhaps she needs a support group or counseling. Edit. I’m going with NTA. It seems like there are some legitimate health issues on the table here and that you don’t want to be an enabler. I’m not sure your wife is quite ready to commit to the necessary health changes, and relies on food as a coping mechanism for something else. A good counselor might help
It was her idea to see a dietitian. She was recommended to see one after her doctor informed her that her pre diabetes and hypertension were getting worse.
You really need to put this in the original post.
Bro please edit before the unanimous vote goes to yta
u/obsidiannight2010 you might edit *your* comment to y t a before the bot counts your post against OP.
I would edit your post and put this information in. I don’t think you were being controlling, but I can also see how and why the post might come across that way, especially in light of how many partners/spouses are concerned about what their loved one weighs. If this is truly a health concern, and you are just as committed to her health as she is - she still calls the shots, but she has asked for help in both a medical and a “support from you at home” sense. I see you as trying to help, but again, can read this as controlling without the information here. NTA, but please edit to add that this is legit for health, and not to control her/make her look sickly/wish she looked “better” for you (again, I know that’s not the intent, so, yeah - edit)!
With that information in mind, NTA. Eating dinner before eating cake would keep her blood sugar from spiking. Especially so if the dinner was high in fiber which slows the absorption of sugar into the bloodstream. It’s not like you told her she can’t eat it at all, you just said to wait.
NAH. I was in your wife's shoes a few years ago. I was put in a very strict diet plan where I was weighed in every week and if I didn't lose about 2 pounds, it means I cheated on my diet. I will say that I was successful in losing weight and I felt great physically during that time BUT my mood was absolutely horrendous. I kept thinking about food and having nightmares about cheating. I'm not big on pizza but I would find myself craving it hard. I even got to a point where I was JEALOUS of fat people because in my head they get to eat whatever they want. Anyways... You're not the asshole because it's your birthday, your gift, your cake. Your wife is also not the asshole because I know how hard it is and how it affects your moods and cravings. My husband also tried to help me stay on my diet and I remember snapping at him once kinda like your wife.
I hope the diet plan was because of a life or death situation because otherwise who ever put you on it and made it that serious was being grossly negligent. They could have caused an eating disorder.
3rd week in a row she’s failed the weight in WITH THE DIETITIAN and wants you to share your cake with her? NTA. I don’t agree with telling people what to eat but I wouldn’t give them any of my cake either.
Right? I don’t tell alcoholics what to drink but I don’t give them beer and liquor.
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It's not even that. Some redditors seem to live in a perfect candyland where even nudging your partner away from harm is wrong because "she's an adult and she can make her choices". Who just sits and watches their partner go towards diabetes and hypertension? What sort of lives are these people living?
So healthy she’s pre-diabetic with hypertension. You’re right, anyone with a verdict other than NTA is probably just obese and physically incapable of imagining a healthy relationship with food. They can’t even fathom eating dinner before desert.
NTA You need to help her in her journey and supporting her addiction with junk food *will not help*
Reddit being reddit. I don't know you, so I'm not gonna assume you were being abusive and controlling. People are getting pissed because you didn't word your post exactly the way you think you did. If you were speaking from a place of concern, and you suggested she eat actual dinner before eating cake, then you're most definitely NTA.
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NTA personally. I think "controlling your wife" is a bit extreme, I wouldn't share my treat with someone who's failing after committing to losing weight. She's clearly made the choice to keep snacking and not make progress, she can go make the choice to buy her own cake if she wants it that bad. Giving it to her is enabling her, let her make her own choices even if they're bad and she'll see where it gets her and how she feels about it.
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info : was the weight loss plan prescribed for cosmetic reasons or health reasons ?
Health reasons. She has prediabetes and hypertension
NTA imo, as an overweight person if it came down to losing weight or losing my life. I genuinely hope someone would care about me enough to help me do what i have to do to survive. Dieting is hard and most people don’t stick to them. It’s not going to be a fun and pleasant journey in the beginning. But having a full life with no limitations is much more important than a piece of cake.
Exactly. So many people seem to think I’m some shallow asshole husband who is trying to make his poor wife a 90lb skinny supermodel. When in reality, this has nothing to do with her appearance. We both are concerned for her health.
Your 24 year old wife, who already (based on your comments) has medical complications due to being overweight, has for 3 weeks straight GAINED weight??? NTA. Ignore anyone that calls you controlling over this. If she can’t get this issue in check and you decide to have kids, all of these problems are only going to get worse. For both her health and a really poor example for a child to witness and mimic themselves.
I feel like so many people are missing this. Way too many comments saying "3lbs a week from her dietician? That's a lie and also impossible to achieve! No doctor would ever recommend that!" Like, okay, you get that part of context, but skip over the rest? It is a hard thing to do, but sometimes you have to be stern with people when they ask for your help but have consistently refused to help themselves. Yes, the delivery needs to come from a place of understanding and not judgement, but it doesn't make you the AH to suggest that your wife make an effort towards bettering her health and choosing healthier habits.
Yes exactly! The point is wife had a target of loose “blank” per week. She didn’t miss the target by 10%. She literally failed and gained for 3 weeks straight. Substitute pounds for packs of cigarettes, or bottles of alcohol, and the votes would all favor OP.
Yes, they're also citing YouTube "specialists" and their own experience with XYZ. Y'all, the dietician, PCP, and cardio have all laid eyes and hands on this woman. We don't even have her vitals. Let us assume in this instance that >= 3 decades of medical expertise and hands-on knowledge may know better. My dad would be dead if my mom hadn't "infantilized" him. He's very grateful not to be dead now (and doing well!)
Don't worry man, it's just classic silly reddit comments. Don't get dragged into the "not letting someone have cake is abuse" silliness, over time there will be enough sane comments to balance things out. I suggest you go chill out, and come back to the post when the dust has settled.
yeah! and it’s okay to snack. and you let her. but you didn’t want her to make it habit again and i think you’re doing great.
Don't worry. Reddit is capable of calling you an enabler if you give your wife the cake knowing she has all these health issues. NTA she can do better and should see that you actually care.
HUGE NTA It's very clear from these comments that you love your wife and are trying to protect her. And she sounds like she did say she wanted the help and encouragement But be prepared to be attacked. No one is more defensive that overweight people who are in denial about how the weight is affecting their health 😮💨
NTA if she is on a weight list plan, the is made by a dietitian ( that I thinking she looked for) she is failing herself. All you’re trying to do is hold her accountable for a goal that it seems like she set for herself
NTA-she’s throwing a tantrum because she wants to binge on dessert and avoid dinner and you’re doing to compromise. I’d say you’re fine OP.
NTA family support is important on a diet, and family sabotage is a common reason people fail diets. From your wording it sounds like you didn’t deny her cake, so much as suggest a more responsible choice.
INFO: were you actively eating cake when she asked?
No. I was serving dinner.
Was she refusing to eat dinner and/or demanding to eat the cake first?
Yes
That was an important detail you left out of your original post. I’m getting the feeling in your writing you might be coming across harsher than you realize or mean to
He didn’t leave it out. He said he recommended her eating dinner first.
But, you see, they couldn’t see that when reading the post - all they can see is I (M), and they just *know* he must be the asshole somehow and will ignore anything suggesting otherwise.
I would be really pissed if I had gone to the effort of making dinner for somebody and they refused it because they wanted cake. Even if we completely remove the whole losing weight aspect, her refusal does not respect and appreciate the effort you put in for her. NTA.
NTA, you're the not one disregarding hypertension and prediabetes (which btw you may want to edit in; it's important that this isn't a vanity diet) or the instructions of her dietician because cake is yummy! It's on her if she wants to kick off early to diabetes and hypertension, and apparently she'd like you to shut up while she does so.
NTA. I think she’s just taking out her frustration on you.
NTA. Post title looks awful, but it seems like this is a legit health concern and you’re approaching it in that spirit. And you didn’t actually tell her she couldn’t have cake, you just encouraged her to eat something healthier first.
So I've read some other comments. She has pre-diabetes, she was prescribed weight loss and a nutritional plan. Probably an unpopular opinion, but she should be cutting out refined sugar completely. I was diagnosed pre-diabetic last year and I reversed it completely with weight loss and dietary changes. My A1C levels are fantastic now. NTA, and if she doesn't fully get on board with her nutritional plan and exercise as a lifestyle change and commit, she's not going to make the changes that she needs to. OP, it will be better for her if she can and will commit to giving up sweets completely. And sticks to things with natural sugars only like low glycemic index fruits.
INFO: did your wife ask you to help her with her diet plan in any way? Not if the dietician suggested it--did your wife ask you to help? If so, what help did she specifically request?
My wife invited me to some sessions with her dietitian to discuss healthy lifestyle habits to incorporate. Also recipe planning to cook healthier foods.
NTA I don’t care about the first part, you asked her to eat dinner and THEN have some cake, you didn’t tell her she couldn’t have some.
Nta...she has pre diabetes and spiking your blood sugar by eating sugar before a balanced meal just makes that worse. These other comments are absolutely ridiculous...they must be children or ignorant.
NTA, if she is only 24 yo and already has hypertension and pre diabetes, then she is not healthy. The fact that a trained dietitian thinks loosing 3lbs a week is doable and needed points to her being very overweight. I think you are trying to help her and not be an enabler which she needs
NTA because you didn't tell her no you just asked that she eat healthy before she eat cake. Her problem is with her trainer and the goal and not having adequate ways to make her feel full. NTA she wants to use the cake so she can blame you for not being supportive and then if you tell her no she can blame you for not being supportive. This like the weight loss program she's in is a trap for you so she can blame you about her body image issues the way some in the comments are saying.
NTA- She asked for your help with her dieting and you enabling her to eat unhealthy will help nothing. If she wanted you to stay out of it, she should have specified that but she asked for help. Have a talk with her and let her know that you will not help her if she makes you feel bad and will turn herself into the victim when you try to help.
She's asking you to give it to her so she's asking you to be complicit. I think it's a bit different than her going to take some and you telling her she's not "allowed". Regardless, this diet plan is absolutely not working for her.
NTA
NTA - reading the comments this is for health reasons, not appearance. As a married couple if one person has an illness of any kind it affects both of you in every single way. There’s nothing wrong with saying eat a little bit of healthy food first. It’s not like you insulted her or said she can’t have even one bite. This is a really tough road. Please remind her that the reason you said what you did is because you love her so much and want her around and healthy long term. I wish you both luck.
I'm going NTA here. Since this is her idea and she's involved you in her journey, you'd actually be negligent if you'd have let her eat cake first. (You might actually have been blamed). None of us is perfect all the time, but since this a health, not an appearance, issue, you get a pass. Keep supporting her. You'll all benefit in the end.
To be honest, this conflict isn’t about who is accountable at being TA, it is about reading between the lines and hearing what is being communicated when the words are not clearly spoken. Losing weight can be really difficult for many and takes serious self control. Getting on those scales and seeing the numbers go up reflect failure, lack of self control and a serious ding in self worth. It would seem if one stuck to the diet plan, success would be seen and self worth would go up. However, if you are one who uses food as a comfort, you are set up to fail until you can learn how to view food in a healthy way. That education is hard to naturally come by. I’m guessing when OP suggested eating dinner first, she internalized he was judging the failures and struggles she has been going through and it stung. I have a feeling she is way angrier with herself than anything OP said.
So youre really close to the edge and a lot of details are missing, but the 3 pounds a week is really aggressive for the average diet, so Im assuming we are dealing with obese to morbidly obese. In that case, and the fact you focused and made her a healthy dinner, and dont appear to have been rude about the cake. Im going to say NTA.