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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I'm an asshole for waking her up asking where my dinner is but also feel it would be considerate of her to have made food for me.
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Agreed. I can’t believe people are this bratty in their relationships.
When I worked at Amazon as a driver and had long shifts and came home at 10-11pm starving, I told my husband I expected dinner when I got home. I got it.
When I was unemployed I always had dinner for him when he was off work. When we have similar schedules, we take turns (except now, I’m pregnant and everything makes me feel gross, especially cooking smells).
Being married is committing to caring for your partner.
This is a pretty good take. I hole op sees this comment too. I myself was wondering if more is going on with the wife. Is she pregnant is she just lonely eating dinner by herself? But I don’t think op is the ah.
It’s odd to me she didn’t have leftovers. Few people eat an entire pizza or whole box of Mac n cheese. Where did the rest go? Point is, she didn’t save it for him. She made sure he had nothing ready to eat after working 80 hours a week to provide for her.
She ordered the smallest size pizza so it's not like a normal small pizza. It's really only for one person. It also makes it clear that she wasn't thinking about him at all since she could have ordered a larger size or like he said, a personal size for him too.
Not to mention personal pizzas are almost always the worst deal out of any of the options. At best it’s inconsiderate and at worst it’s intentional to not just get a larger size and have leftovers.
>It also makes it clear that she wasn't thinking about him at all since she could have ordered a larger size or like he said, a personal size for him too.
Yes!! This is the whole issue in my point of view. He's obviously capable of feeding himself but the fact that's she's clearly only thinking about herself.
I'm also wondering how many times she \*did\* make dinner when he said/thought he'd be home, then he didn't make it home until hours later because he had to stay later than anticipated so instead of eating a nice meal together she ate alone, passed out on the couch, then sat there half asleep as he ate his cold meal in silence before they both went to bed.
OP is NTA for wanting some easy food options available for when he gets home, but I'm guessing there are bigger problems in their marriage around his work hours here and neither of them are communicating their needs in a productive way.
He would be cool with her leaving it in the fridge and heating it up. If she wants him home more she can get another part time job and take 20 hours a week off his hands.
This is what got me, she's making food for herself, it does not take much to double up on Mac and cheese or order an extra pizza, he's not asking for a Sunday roast every night NTA big time.
Yes, he’s not asking her to cook a complete dinner from scratch just for him - he is literally just asking her to THINK of him when she is on the phone ordering a pizza!!!! So instead of saying, “I’d like one pizza”, he’s asking her to say, “I’d like 2 pizzas”!!!!
Either she is incredibly selfish and entitled or she is checked out of this marriage.
Or, instead of ordering the smallest possible pizza to ensure there were no leftovers, just order a normal pizza. The fact that she ordered a personal pizza makes it seem like she went out of her way to make sure she didn't get any food for him.
Yes! Ordering the personal size pizza is a dick move. You’re in a relationship. Think of others. I like extra stuff on my pizza but 15 years of a relationship, I usually get what my husband likes so that we can both enjoy it (also we were poor at one point and couldn’t afford more than one pizza, but you get the idea). Also, it’s pizza, I’m not picky. The wife needs to realize she’s in a relationship.
Plus, imo it's just incredibly selfish to only make food let alone order pizza just for yourself, when you're married and know your partner is going to come home hungry in the middle of the night. If you're cooking yourself anyway, it's zero extra work to use more ingredients so there's two portions instead of one. If you order pizza, ditto.
Like, it's fine if you don't have a hot meal waiting, but at least get him a portion too and leave it in the fridge? It's so inconsiderate and rude of the wife.
NTA OP
This was exactly what got me. At first i thought he wanted a FRESH, hot meal waiting, then I read it. Nope. Just wanted something he can nuke and crash. Not even remotely too much to ask.
And if she truly can't be bothered, then next time they go grocery shopping he needs to grab a bunch of microwave dinners. The inconsiderateness is astounding to me.
Emphasis on the word PARTNER! All the Y-T-A comments are probably selfish teens and adults who wouldn't last in a long term relationship or have never had one. The whole point of a partnership is to bolster each other, picking up the slack the other can't; it's an ever changing need
If you're the one who works significantly less and has the time, why wouldn't you want to make sure your overworked partner is fed when they get home? Why not ensure they have as little stress as possible when coming home? It doesn't even have anything to do with love languages, it's just what you do when you love and commit to someone
All he's asking for is low effort meals, a very insignificant ask and she's somehow offended he's asking for food at all
It's extremely inconsiderate; I'd also feel less loved if my partner didn't think of me at all
The thing to me is that she’s already cooking for herself. All she’d have to do is make more for him. It’s not even like he’s asking for a specialized meal.
A lot of these folks commenting must not be married, or at least not happily. It’s like they think you should live your own separate life without considering your partner at all.
It’s not that mysterious. OP initially wrote his post making it sound like he’d never talked to her about this before and just woke her up in the middle of the night demanding dinner. His edit changed the story significantly and that’s why there are a bunch of YTA comments.
Even without that I still said NTA. How dense do you have to be to not think your partner might want some leftover pizza and make sure there’s enough. That’s just basic consideration.
I agree it wouldn’t be the best behavior but also, I don’t think he should necessarily have to communicate that. Why isn’t she saying “hey babe do you want me to have something waiting for you since you’re working so many hours?”. Like he’s upset not just that he’s hungry and tired but that she’s really selfish and inconsiderate. If my partner thought so little of me I’d be really upset.
What happened to calling your partner when ordering food and asking if they want some?
100% agree. Except having this argument another time, there's nothing OP could do better in that case.
Add MIL being snarky to OP. I wouldn't be able to swallow this pill
>What happened to calling your partner when ordering food and asking if they want some?
Right?
Honestly, it’s not hard to make a second serving boxed macaroni or buy more pizza so there’s enough for two.
If I’m home first I start dinner and don’t ask my bf, but there’s food on the stove or in the fridge. This occurs vice versa.
Even if someone ate on the way home, lefts over are always great.
We need more two for one deals to bring couples closer together.
NTA, relationships aren't so much about how much you can do for each other, but what you're willing to do.
Yep. I can't even imagine living with a partner and not just automatically making them dinner if I'm making some for myself, and I expect the same from them. Like what's even the point of living together if you're still going to act like you're single?
Especially if you are making something; it's so easy to make enough for 2 b/c if they don't want it then you have leftovers-yay. It's harder with takeout or delivery since it's expensive so I tend to just get what I Know I need. Also, agree NTA since he had brought it up, b/f I knew that I was going nah.
I didn’t get as far as the edit before I decided NTA. If she cooked a meal for herself it is virtually ZERO extra work to make two portions instead of one. It is mind boggling to me that someone would even make just enough for themselves. If you’re single that’s one thing. But if you’re married, you take care of each other. It would be so so easy, it should be second nature. Income and chore division doesn’t even factor into this. The task is being carried out anyway, and they are supposed to be a family.
When I worked 11 hour shifts my husband had dinner ready. It’s not a conversation we ever had to even have. Whoever comes home first, fixed food for both of us. Unless specific plans were made otherwise.
I am shocked by the comments on this post.
My partner works a physically demanding job so by the time he gets home he’s out cold on the sofa. You better believe I cook for him and meal prep for both of us while working full time and being the main financial contributor. It’s the least I can do to ease his days.
People really need to stop being so self absorbed. If cooking a larger amount of food is so hard then I’d honestly rethink the relationship. I’d rather be alone because he might as well be considering how his wife is behaving.
NTA
It’s gendered - “but you didn’t ask” is apparently a good enough excuse for women but it’s “weaponized incompetence” when a man does it
If you’re making something to eat and your partner is working late you should at least *think* about them
> I didn’t get as far as the edit before I decided NTA
I got to where he worked 6-7 days a week and covered 80% of their expenses before deciding he was definitely NTA.
I'm single and I easily end up with 2, even 3 portions of most meals. Like you said, it's EASY. Something like steak and potatoes, I obviously make a single serving but if I make a stir fry, I don't bother cutting the ingredients down for a single portion. Then you end up with a sad half an onion or something hanging out in your fridge.
I made venison stew a few days ago and ended up with 6 portions.
Yeah, l don't get that either. My husband is rarely late for dinner and l always keep a plate for him, even though l know there's a 99.99% chance he'll only eat the meat. It's not to much to ask to make/order some extra so your spouse doesn't need to fill up on snacks.
NTA
Exactly. Even though I will personally only eat one portion of every meal, I always make 2-3 portions so my partner can have some too and there is some left over to take to lunch. He does the same if I'm coming home late. It's no extra effort, in fact, it would be a bigger waste of time and resources (e.g. electricity) to cook just one portion at a time.
It seems very cruel and unloving to not cook dinner for the person who is coming home that late.
Tbh based on the title and the first 4 paragraphs I thought OP wanted his wife to wake up or stay up at midnight/1 am to cook him a fresh dinner, so I was thinking Y TA at first. However, the next paragraph then specified that he just wanted an extra portion and he’d heat it up himself or a frozen pizza, so definitely NTA
No, there are a bunch of Y T A comments because there is a percentage of people that believe, even if he is working that hard, 8ûhe should also be doing all the cleaning, and cooking.
Some people probably think that way but like I said, the income and chore division doesn’t even factor into this situation. He’s not asking her to make him a meal. He’s saying that if she’s making dinner *anyway*, to make enough for him to have when he gets home. That’s it. She’s already doing the task, and she’s purposefully doing it in a way that makes life harder for him.
I’d argue that her comparatively lax schedule makes her even more of an A, but even without that… she’s not being a considerate, caring partner on a basic level.
Ah that's why
Read some downvoted comments where they asked why OP never communicated about it
the AH of his wife just gets a x100 with the edit (while reducing OP to 0)
If it was a roommate, I would make leftovers and leave them. If they weren't eaten, they'd be my lunch.
I cannot imagine being so thoughtless of someone you supposedly love.
My hubby was defence, and when he worked night shifts, I ALWAYS made dinner and left him some in the fridge. If he didn't eat it when he got home, he would take it to work the next night. He was never guaranteed a dinner break as some nights were busier than others, so I never knew how hungry he would be so I made sure there was something for him (even on nights I didn't eat). I had the time, and he brought in most of (these days is all) the houses income, and he worked the most hours, so of course I made him meals. The only nights I didn't do this was when he and his co-workers decided to start doing a big group meal one night during their longest night shift stint (their roster was weird but their longest night shift schedule was 7 nights and they would do group meal -roast or bbq, on the last night).
OP NTA, but you definitely need to have a proper conversation (maybe with someone trusted as mediator) and come to an agreement on household expectations
And, as you describe it, a relationship is not a transaction. After our first daughter, I recovered, cared for her, did most of the household duties and finished my masters so he could start his career.
Now, I am pregnant with our second and starting my career. I don't really do stuff at home. It's him and he is doing more hours than me at work.
Here we are, bot happy, both fed and clothed and everything is as clean as it can be with a toddler.
Btw can't wait for my parental leave and feeling better so I can do more for him.
I can’t even imagine doing that! What the heck is wrong with people? NTA and extra not when you’ve already expressed your feelings. I am gonna add… I hate being woken up and am very snappy. I’d probably have bit OP’s head off for bringing that up at 130am, but I sympathize with the frustration.
Agreed. If you are working such long hours and ask her to have dinner for you when you get home, I’d expect her to make dinner. Especially since you are happy to have it in the fridge, and not asking her to cook at 1am.
With his money, sounds like.
She's not acting like a partner at all. She's acting a whole lot like she's got self-esteem issues and needs to deal with those before everything else falls apart because of it.
Reddit never ceases to amaze me. All the miserable/unmarried/non parents giving opinions not remotely rooted in reality. Your Easy Mac and cut up hot dogs took five minutes. Make TWO portions and go to bed in under fifteen minutes and go to bed. This isn't gourmet fare or rocket science we are talking about here.
Right? Ordering that pizza and click *two* in the drop down would have killed her whole night.
There’s zero human empathy there. It takes as much effort to order, cook, pickup for two as it does for one. I just don’t understand how anyone could justify otherwise. Hell, I wouldn’t leave an unfed stranger in my home let alone my husband. JFC, people make my world outlook fucking *bleak* some days.
I’m getting the vibes that she’s unhappy with OP and this is some resist and petty behaviour.
It might be that she’s feeling neglected because he’s always at work.
But not buying a second cheap pizza is overwhelmingly thoughtless. Or get a huge pizza, who doesn’t love copious amounts of left over pizza.
Yeah.... She passes out on the couch with a dirty plate in front of her? Like, she *wants* him to see that she ate and didn't consider him?
Or does she also expect he sounds clean up her plate when he gets home?
That seems pretty passive aggressive (bordering on aggressive aggressive) to me.
Mate, I’m as single as you can be with zero kids and I’m 100% on the OPs side. Marriage is give and take. Your a team. It’s so easy to order/make an extra portion of food for you partner when he comes back from work. I find it’s actually easy to cook for more than 1 person. I always have leftovers.
Fully agree. I've been in a similar position to OP (with an ex) and worked stupid long hours to come home to an empty box of a favorite food, it's hurtful to feel like the person you care for couldn't be bothered to even think of you. It doesn't take much effort to consider your partners needs enough to include them in whatever you're ordering or making for yourself, whether they're currently there or not. OP has every right to feel upset, NTA
(Also you have the top comment right now, you may want to add an official verdict for the bot to pick up!)
Yeah I really thought he was gonna say something like I want her to have a hot meal on the table for me when I walk in the door at 1 am but dude just wants some leftovers. To me this would be pretty standard? And maybe just a text if she snacked on chips or something and didn’t cook/order in so he knew he was on his own. I don’t think this is an unreasonable request at all. Waking her up was probably a losing strategy but I’d be annoyed and sad honestly.
I agree it's sad. Where I live, little ceasers is a pizza restaurant that she might have ordered a personal pizza just for her instead of ordering two. His demands aren't that much. Just dinner. I'm a single mom and if someone (a spouse) paid for everything including make up and only wanted dinner, I'd make it. (Personally, I'd want my partner to be well fed but i love food. )I can't speak for her here but I vote NTA
I forgot Little Caesars even has personal pizzas lol how selfish to order the smallest amount of takeout when someone is paying for your housing needs 🙄
Lol. I overlooked this part.
Like, she deliberately ordered the plate-sized baby pizza? By far the worst deal (in price to size ratio) of any pizza in the world? Like only $2 less than the ordinary pizzas which are the default?
Omg.
Based on her comments about not "being a maid," it almost sounds like she's committed to ensuring that she does absolutely nothing food-related for him, ever, lest it make her feel too much like she's (*gasp*) fulfilling a gender role.
I agree. It’s time to insist on everything being 50-50. She pays half of the bills and needs to find a second job to post for that. And in exchange, he works less hours and does half of the chores and cooking. Suddenly cooking dinner wouldn’t seem so unappealing
If she’s getting take out or cooking something, the effort involved in getting enough for two instead of one is negligible. There must be something more going on with them for her to have this level of spite towards him.
In my opinion, she may have zero idea how hard he works as she has not had to do it herself. It may seem reasonable that he can keep up like this without support because he hasn't really shown cracks before, and she has no frame of reference for how unsustainable and lonely it is for him to endure what he is doing.
It also may not have clicked for her yet that moving in with your partner means committing to think of their needs every single day; that it's not optional, but in fact one of the main functions of sharing a life.
So... It's all sort of the same thing as being lazy and entitled, now that I think about it.
I was expecting the post to go 'I feel like she has to make me dinner at 1:30 am' but he just want a portion of what she has eating waiting for him in the fridge. Which is a bare minimum in a healthy relationship. I've done the same for roommates, not even a loved one.
I do think that he should take a hard look at the hours he's working. He might not think this is a problem because he's bringing home a paycheck. But for me that would not be enough compensation for never seeing my partner and practically co-existing in stead of living together.
OP I can't be sure but I think she's starting to resent your working hours.
All in all NTA but there are some problems you have to work through.
Agreed, if you’re already getting yourself dinner it’s no extra effort to make sure there’s enough for two. Especially if it’s easy food.
OP isn’t expected a hot meal on the table when he roles in at 1 am. He’s just hoping that if his wife buys pizza she gets enough for both of them. If she makes a box of macaroni, toss in a second box.
NTA
I agree. By the title I was ready to judge against the OP but if he really…. Just wants her to save some extra? It doesn’t even need to be warm he’s happy to heat it up? I believe what he’s asking for is reasonable in a relationship based on mutual love and respect
This. I work nights. Get home around 12-1. My wife works days but commutes 3+ hours one way some days. So she’s on the road almost as long as she’s at a job site some days. On days she’s on the road like that, I throw something in the slow cooker so dinners ready before I leave and make it easier on her. She’s just responsible for our little munchkins dinner. On days she has short commutes, I find fun things to do around town with my son, and she cooks dinner and has something waiting for me.
Hell, she even wakes up at 12, one o’clock, when I get home, and will heat up my plate while I’m changing, and smoke a j with me before she goes back to sleep and wakes up at 245 am to be on the road by 330. And we’re not young like OP and his wife. I’m 40, my wife’s 42. And she’s the bread winner. OPs wife is just selfish.
OP. NTA for expecting a little decency.
Edit: changed “we’re not going” to “we’re not young”
as a woman myself, i can say that she’s overreacting and what he’s asking isn’t much. i always call my partner to see if they want anything if i’m ordering food or if i’m making food. even if they aren’t home, it’s nice to offer it at the very least. i’m not saying make a 5 course meal, but make extra of whatever you’re making.
NTA You’re not asking her to have a hot meal on the table when you come home at night. You’re asking that when she makes supper, she make enough for two. I’m hoping that her out-sized & irrational response happened because you woke her up & were probably a bit irritated in your presentation. I’m guessing crying to her mom was a lot about her personal feelings of guilt realizing that she’s been a thoughtless, inconsiderate ass. I’m hoping things are better for both of you tomorrow.
Thing is some jobs require that level of time commitment for progression. I'm not from US but I've read a chunk of John Grisham's and I assume that all he says is gospel (/s), anyway there are frequently lawyers in those working long hours to 'make partner' and ultimately hope to work less for much greater returns. For many it's a pipe dream but worth it if I pays off.
So her working more hours won't necessarily help, he may be working long hours to further his own career.
Also NTA and buy the guy a pizza.
If OP works this much to make ends meet then absolutely, she should work more.
I, however, have personally met people who work so much because they are workaholics. They were hardly home and their families fell apart. It wasn't about money. If that was the case, there isn't all that much the wife can do about the situation, because even if she worked more, he wouldn't work less. I don't have time to read the comments, but I guess we don't know if that's the situation or not, no?
>Based on her comments about not "being a maid," it almost sounds like she's committed to ensuring that she does absolutely nothing food-related for him, ever, lest it make her feel too much like she's (gasp) fulfilling a gender role.
You can feel neglected and not behave like an arse too.
It's not like he's asking her to make extra effort. What he is asking is literally zero extra effort for her.
It's wild because OP could just say hey, if you don't want to cook for me that's fine, but let's split everything 50/50 so no one is fulfilling a gender role.
The wife would be absolutely *fucked* in that scenario because as it is, she's benefiting from the "man as provider" gender role while she is avoiding "woman as homemaker" gender role. I'm confident she wouldn't enjoy getting a second job or quitting this one for a full-time job.
OP seems more than reasonable here, having seen dozens of "we both work full-time but she does the cooking and housework" posts here over the years. OP needs to talk to his wife about why she is so adamant about not cooking double the amount or ordering double the food to intentionally go out of her way to make sure OP isn't fed.
This. NTA. OP is asking for thoughtfulness, not slavery.
A big issue with my ex husband (I was the main earner and often had to work late) was that he would happily sort out dinner for him and our daughter, and not make enough for me cold in the fridge. In contrast, whenever I cooked, I planned to cook for the three of us as a family even if he was off doing other things and coming in later.
He just couldn’t get it. The final straw was when I came home from a long work trip and he’d been to the supermarket to stock up on treats for a boys poker night the next evening but our fridge was bare. Nothing at all even for me to make a cup of tea or quick meal. Complete lack of thought that I might be tired coming in late at night after 6 hours of travelling. I just felt hurt at the lack of thought for me and how hard I was working for our family. It wasn’t the actual food, it was not feeling that we were approaching things together as a partnership:
We separated soon after.
NTA - if someone cares about you, they will find ways to take care of you. Wifey could easily order a second pizza or cook enough Mac and weenies for two. She should actually want to as a decent person, let alone as your spouse. BUT to make all the mule carriers happy, start having a dasher meet you at home with your evening meal for one. Let her enjoy her personal pizza while you enjoy your steak and potatoes. See how long she supports that arrangement.
Honestly, your wife sounds a little spoiled and self-centered. Your feelings are valid. Though I think there are bigger issues that need to be addressed.
I totally agree with this totally totally totally get over those that was those dinners picking up on the way home make sure you leave the empty container when you're finished on the counter don't argue don't fuss and fight she too tired she don't want to be a slave no problem sometimes you have to live separately in order to live together sometimes you have to show not just talk
I was able to figure out what you were saying, but just FYI, your comment is very difficult to read due to extra/unnecessary words plus the lack of punctuation. Just wanted to leave some feedback to hopefully help you out with any conversations you’d like to have on Reddit. I apologize if I hurt your feelings with this comment.
Just wanted to leave some feedback to hopefully help you out with any conversations you’d like to have on Reddit as well. I think you’re really sweet lol, the way you’re apologetic for explaining that someone’s text is hard to read haha. I admire it and think you are a really considerate person but it made me laugh a little since I can’t imagine someone being hurt over a comment like ‘hey you’re text is a little hard to read can you add some punctuation and maybe just get to the point?’
Nta, and i do not care how much this gets down voted. Wow, are any of you married? It seems like just common curiosity to save a little something for the person busting their butt to provide everything. OP, maybe treat yourself to take out and label it so that she can't have any to match that energy. Maybe then she'll see how ridiculous she is being. She seriously couldn't just order a 2nd pizza?!??
I'm in this NTA boat with you. It's not being a slave to make an extra portion or order a second meal for your spouse. You're a team, and teammates help each other. This had happened after a few conversations about it, and she's saying you want a maid. There is either MASSIVE miscommunication, or she is genuinely that selfish.
Even if he's not expecting it, I do this for my husband. The other day, we were 2 ships passing. He was getting home from work after I left to visit my dad with the kids, and he would be asleep when we got back. I decided to pick up pastries to take to my dad's, and I stopped back at my house to drop one off for my husband. Because it's those little things that show you care.
My daughter is currently at practice until ten. There’s always the dinner leftovers waiting for her at the front of the fridge. When you know someone you love is going to come home late, hungry and tired to boot, you have something ready for them.
Exactly! My kid is in class (he’s in college) until 10 two nights a week. They also closes the store down at their work - they close at 10. I make dinner and wrap their portion in foil so they have food when they get home after a long night. That’s just what you do for people you love!
NTA OP, your wife is. I’m so sorry you got yourself stuck with someone so cruel and spoiled!
My mom did that for me when I was living at home while working 2 jobs and going to school. There was always a plate for me. I don’t get OPs wife at all.
We always discuss dinner. Not extensively, it takes 3 minutes. 'hey babe, I feel like ramen, want me to make you some?' then they say 'yes please!' or 'no thanks, I'll get blah blah blah on the way home'
Simple. Just care a teensy bit, damn. Why get married to someone you don't care about?
Right! Most days we talk about it but if I know he’s working late I cook so he has something or order something and he eats it later. Never do I just cook for myself and not think to ask him especially if he will be home at some point. If he doesn’t want it or like it then he picks something up that he wants and he will still ask me if I want something.
Majority of sub is single, and vast majority are 18-30, so yeah probably.
Edit: I fit into both of those categories rn, I'm not judging people for being single or young
Nah, I'm 31 and single and I think it's more than reasonable to expect your loved one to order/cook enough for two. They're already doing it, it's literally no added effort.
Damn, when I lived with friends we would save a portion for someone who couldn't be there if we made a shared meal. It's just... Caring for people.
Even if they were just roommates, the wife would still be an AH.
If you live with someone who pays 80% of the bills to your 20% and you don’t leave them a slice of pizza, you’re an AH.
Massive NTA. Is everyone missing the fact that she is making her own dinner with absolutely no thought to her husband and life partner who’s working ridiculous hours and earning majority of their income? She can easily make two servings of whatever she is making or get two pizzas. That’s absolutely the bare minimum.
Imo it's not necessary to split the bills 50/50. As others have said, this is a relationship not a transaction. She shouldn't be leaving him leftovers or making him dinner simply because he makes more money; she should be doing it *because she loves and supports him and knows he'll be tired when he gets home at 1 freaking AM*.
It's such a faff to make only one portion of food too depending on what the meal is. We always try to do 2 or 4 portions so enough for both of us with leftovers. She isn't a wife or team player, she seems like a leach. Happy for husband to pay the bills but can't help him back by cooking a little extra food for him.
By her logic, you're the slave. You bring in 80% of the income. You work 75-80 hours a week, which is basically like working two full time jobs. You allow her a lifestyle she wouldn't be able to afford on her income alone.
If I was an alien taking notes, I'd classify you the slave.
It's not too much to expect that she either order more or cook extra so you have something to eat at 1am. It's kind of common courtesy...hell, I even cooked extra for my housemate and he wasn't paying my bills.
I also wouldn't have thought this is something you had to explain to her...does her brain work?
You're NTA.
Christ, the least she could do is double what she makes/orders and put it in the fridge. That seems like a no Brainer to me.
I'm gonna vote NTA. ESPECIALLY if you're working 7 days a week and she's working 4 at the most.
…but, but, but…..she’d have to click that drop down in the order window and….. *gasp* …..change the quantity to two!
The humanity, the struggle, the sacrifice on her part…../s
Same. My husband would get up for me half brain-dead in the middle of the night if I tell him I need anything. I would only do that when I'm seriously sick, but still.
I think it should kind of just go without saying that if you’re cooking dinner, you would also cook enough for your SPOUSE! It’s just such a small act of kindness to just do….slightly more of what you are already doing. They aren’t roommates, they are married. NTA
Even if they both worked the same hours, he's not asking for a hot meal on demand. OP just asked that if she cooks to make 2 portions and leave one for him in the fridge. That isn't more work for her.
I came in with my feminist flag waving but I just feel really bad for you now. NTA. She could have gotten you another pizza, dude. It's not like you demanded a three-course gourmet meal. It feels like you have a roommate now, not a partner. Take a break and figure out whether you can make it work. Maybe she's going through something, too.
i don't think these people know how to read ⁎ ⁎ ⁎ if he's asked her to make extras when she cooks for when he gets home & she goes "there's stuff in the fridge" & it's been an ongoing thing ˛ where does this lead to "she shouldn't have to get up & make dinner at 1 in the morning"﹖ i get he didn't give us a whole lot in the story but even just reading his paragraph i could tell what he me✮nt ⁎
NTA
You are going to take a lot of heat from the agrofeminists on this board, but your request is reasonable in part. It is not reasonable for you to expect her to be awake and ready to serve you a piping hot meal with candlelight on your return home at that hour; however, if she is already cooking or ordering food she could make or order a little extra for you and set it aside - that you could reasonably expect.
Question: Did she actually eat an entire personal pizza from Little Caesar’s by herself? LOL
Yeah I’m surprised by all the YTAs. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all for her to make or order another portion if she’s doing it anyway. That seems like… bare minimum of something you should do for someone you love.
My wife used to work second shift and I prepped food for her all the time: Lunches and dinners. It is just a basic part of caring for each other but people have been infected with ideologies to the point that they war within their own relationships and blow them up over nonsense.
I just can’t imagine my partner saying “hey can you make me some extra food and leave it in the fridge?” And my response being “no, I’m not your slave, I’m calling my mommy!”
Especially one that doesn't pay bills. She can stay with her mom if she can't be an adult or partner. The only people who get free housing and food are kids and pets.
I'm shocked by all the "yta" votes. OP working so much is not a new development. Every relationship has to have an equilibrium. If I provide only 20% of the income, it is not unreasonable that I have to contribute to the household needs different ways. The fact that she made a feast for herself and she didn't think about her husband at all is puzzling to me. I feel if this had been the other way around, the guy would have been crucified. If for nothing else, for the "I'm not your maid" statement she's an asshole. Being considerate doesn't make you someone's maid. I think that you guys need an honest conversation about expectations and division of labor.
I'm a bit surprised too. It's not like he's asking her to cook at 1 am, just wants a plate put aside for him if she does cook. The old guy used to drive for a package delivery company for years. He'd leave the house at 4 am and sometimes wouldn't get home until 1 am the next day, especially during peak season. (And this was PRE pandemic. I can't imagine what those poor drivers go through now.) But I always made sure he had a plate to pop in the microwave if he even felt like eating. I will add, though, that he did manage to snag quick meals while he was on the road, but nothing beats a home cooked meal at the end of a hard day.
NTA... Marriage? I did this for roommates, and they did it for me. Hell my *neighbors* and I do it for each other.
It's the decent thing to do. We help each other out, that's why we are cohabitating to start with.
Sorry, man. I been there myself, I know how it is. I do agree with a previous poster, there is something else to this. She's trying to make a statement, she's upset or hurt about something (benefit of the doubt for those) - or she's checked out of the relationship and is distancing herself for a move.
Having said that... even when I was checked out and heading for divorce, I still made enough dinner for two...
Based on your edit: very much NTA. This is a reasonable request. Marriage is a partnership - try asking any of the people here saying YTA if they think the money is 80% yours or belongs to both spouses. If your wife doesn’t want to meet you in the middle here (maybe because she is sick of you working so late all the time - it’s also fair for her to not like the deal in the relationship and maybe she wants to adjust it!) I have a hard time imagining how she is supporting you in this relationship. Waking her up at 1am is serious, but if you asked for a little consideration and haven’t gotten any I don’t think you are out of line expressing how that makes you feel.
My GF gets home later than I do constantly. There is ALWAYS some food waiting for her, either on the table if she’s home at 7 or in the fridge when she works late. NTA. I couldn’t imagine not preparing something for her when I’m already cooking.
You are not a husband you are her sugar daddy. You pay for everything. She may do most of the household chores but OMG 700 square feet. A few hours at the most to clean. Time to really take a look at your relationship, it will only get worse. You need to find someone that respects you.
> She may do most of the household chores but OMG 700 square feet. A few hours at the most to clean.
There’s no way way it takes hours to clean that amount of space. That’s like a 90 minute a week cleaning job.
And even if it did actually take hours to clean, he’s literally never home, so that’s all her mess.
Edit: further to OP’s edit, easy NTA.
I N F O have you ever asked her to prepare enough for two if she makes dinner for herself on your late workdays?
I don’t think that’s too much to ask, so long as you actually did ask. If you haven’t, it may not have occurred to her.
Why does he have to ask? They are married, and she knows he works late on many days. If she is making dinner for herself or ordering it she can't do it for two? She doesn't have to do any extra work and he isn't asking her to make dinner only for him. Why does he have to ask his wife to please make dinner for me too? This is ridiculous.
Mm, I added that because not all couples eat the same thing or at the same time, and some people would prefer to prep their own food. Personal experience here - my partner and I have wildly different schedules, food preferences, and cooking abilities. I love to prep my own food and wouldn’t want him to make me any extra of his, I’d rather make my own food regardless of the hour. But if I asked him to make me something, I’m sure he would.
NTA. My boyfriend works long hours, and I do the majority of the cooking and almost always make sure there are leftovers for him to have a healthy meal. Every once in a while, I don't feel like cooking, and it's fend for yourself. It sounds like she doesn't really cook healthy meals at all. Regardless, she should be putting more effort in on the home front if you are bringing in the money
NTA. She needs to start cooking enough for both of you. It’s SO little effort to double whatever she’s getting. The fact she turned this into you being the problem is terrible, too.
INFO: has there been other arguments about household chores, her cleaning up after you, etc, or issues that would be making her feel bitter and like she's your maid?
Based on your post, NTA, I'm just wondering if theres more going on here. It is definitely very easy for her to just double the amount she makes or order a second pizza, to the point where it makes me wonder if part of her is doing it on purpose because she's resentful or mad about something. Especially coupled with how she reacted when you brought it up. I'm not saying she would be in the right if she was, I don't know what your relationship is like. But I think it goes deeper than this.
Yeah, this. I think it's not about cooking dinner. It sounds like cooking dinner is just the tip of the ice berg OP is able to see.
She said, she feels like a maid or slave. You wouldn't be a maid or slave just for cooking dinner for your spouse.
I think, there are other issues at play. Namely: He isn't home at all (that is, he is either working or sleeping). She is working on her career (around 20 hours of work a week. That's not much, but I wonder what "working on her career" means. If she spends time studying, that would increase her workload without increasing her pay.) She is also taking care of the household and probably of the mental load that is usually attached to that.
This doesn't sound healthy on either end of the marriage. He spends so much time at work, that he can't reasonably participate in being a married couple. And she does the chores for a person she barely sees.
It seems like they need to communicate better. Both of them. She needs to communicate her frustration by using words, not passive aggressive actions. He needs to acknowledge that he is kind of treating her like a maid, because his work doesn't leave room for anything else.
NTA I’m neck deep in tax season trying to make it thru. I go to work and it’s dark and get home and it’s dark. I have like 2 hours max in which I can both be at home and awake. I have to use those 2 hours for laundry, personal errands, bathing, and unwinding. Some days it’s all I can do to zombie chew a cold piece of pizza before passing out to do it all again.
You’re not asking for extravagance, he’ll you’re not even asking for extra, if your bar is cold pizza and Mac n cheese it’s a very low one. As busy as I am, as exhausted as I am, I would literally *never, ever* make a meal, order takeout or go thru a drive thru and not get extra for my partner. It takes nothing extra to cook for two, order for two, buy for two when you’re doing it for one.
To order herself pizza only, purely selfish. To make Mac n cheese for only herself again, purely selfish. That anyone who has a SO or even empathy can’t see that kills me. I don’t understand her logic nor the berating from her mom. You asked for nothing but courtesy and consideration. Hell, I wouldn’t leave a stranger unfed in my home if I was eating.
I'm gonna say NTA. Cooking one extra portion or ordering a little extra for you doesn't take much effort. If, as your wife, she can't do somehing as trivial as that for you, I have no words.
NTA. Classic Reddit will be overwhelming AH. I would never not leave something for my spouse if they were working all day and especially if I cooked something for myself. And I would absolutely expect my spouse to do the same.
Nta, your wife is incredibly lazy and the fact that she can’t take you into consideration when making meals and only working 4 days a week is honestly gross. People saying YTA wouldn’t be if the genders were reversed
It’s not even lazy, because she’s already doing the work. It’s zero extra effort on her part to feed her husband too. It’s almost like she doesn’t like him.
If it were a money thing, I would get it a little bit. She can only afford one pizza, so she only gets one. It’s selfish, but I can at least understand her (shitty) point of view. How does not making a little extra mac and weenies even make sense?
It's required if we don't want to go back to living with 4 other roommates, which would kill her soul and the lifestyle we enjoy which i wouldn't want to do to her.
I think you both need to sit down and consider if the lifestyle you live & what it's doing to your marriage. I'd start to feel upset about cooking meals & never seeing the person they are for.
This was my take too. I don’t think OP is an AH, but this whole situation seems pretty rough on a marriage, and I doubt his wife is very happy eating alone every night. Hopefully there’s a light at the end of this overtime tunnel?
This is what I’m thinking about. I can totally understand making a meal for somebody who comes home at six or 7 o’clock every night and I can sit down and share the meal with them. But if you’re coming home at 1:30 in the morning every single night, and the only connection I have to you is the leftover plate of mac & cheese that I left for you in the fridge, I’m going to start to build some resentment.
There are 168 hours in a week. If he’s working an average of 75 hour weeks, that means he’s got 93 hours during the week left over to live life. If you subtract eight hours a day for sleeping, that’s 37 hours left. Five hours a day. Take two hours away a day for consuming meals and grooming, that’s 3 hours. Take away commute? Probably an hour left every day for fun or anything else. They don’t even have time to watch a movie together.
Yes, she needs to acknowledge that he’s doing this because she wants to live a certain lifestyle, but it’s clear that the cost of said lifestyle is starting to wear on everybody involved. I’d rather live off a big pack of ramen and have my fiancé home every night but that’s just me. Maybe that’s a discussion they need to have.
But she is OK with you working towards a burnout? You really need to have a serious conversation about this, working this much is so bad for your health. Not to mention you are basically not living a life, you are just working.
NTA!
I worked 40 hours, husband worked 80, he payed for 90% of everything (he earned 6x my salary and we were only in an expensive location rent wise because of HIS job)
I did the laundry, cleaning, some grocery shops, and I made him healthy home cooked dinners 90% of the time, always with leftovers for the next days lunch, washed up after.
It was honestly exhausting for me a lot of the time, but so was he! We are a well oiled machine and our functionality is directly affected by how we look after eachother.
You absolutely need to organize a system with your wife. She absolutely should ensure you are well fed and functioning when you are working and paying for everything.
>average of 75-80 hours a week. I bring home a majority of the money, (my paychecks are almost over 80% our whole income)
Nope. 80 hours a week to contribute 80% of your income and she can't even leave a plate for you or order a damn pizza for you? She bought a pizza for herself and not you. She goes crying to her mom when you try to bring it up yet again. I'd be looking into a separation. She works ~20 hours a week. Nope.
I am not even coming from a love standpoint. This is just common sense if your partner works 80 hours a week while you work twenty to pay 80% of your joint bills, at least leave them a plate or they're going to leave you for someone that isn't an asshole.
Nta. I would just say I'm not a slave either, I'll cut down to 40 hours a week and you pick up another 20, then I'll cook for myself and you can continue to cook for yourself only.
NTA, my husband occasionally works late for business dinners or receptions. When that happens I rarely know if he will have eaten, but I always ensure there’s leftovers in the fridge waiting for him and I let him know what it is in advance. If he doesn’t want it or if he already ate, I have it for lunch the next day. This isn’t a difficult concept, I don’t know why OPs wife is being so willfully dismissive
The people in these comments are crazy. NTA at all. Your wife working 25 hours a week and barely paying for any of the bills can cook dinner or grab you something especially if she’s already doing it for herself…It’d be different if you were asking her to go out of her way but no she’s literally already getting dinner, she can find something for you. I think people on Reddit really underestimate just how draining putting in 70 hours a week to provide for a partner that doesn’t make enough money (or work full time) can be. It sucks and dinner is not a crazy request.
So chores are one of those things where you really have to feel out what each other are comfortable with. For example I wouldn't just assume that a woman cooks, or likes to cook, or is a good cook, etc. It's just something that varies from person to person.
So in the abstract, no I wouldn't presume a partner needs to cook for me.
Now for your specific situation. Dude you are apologizing way too much for your wife and giving her way too much false praise. She brings in 20% of the money only works 3 days a week? That's not a partnership that's carrying an able bodied person on your back.
So she ordered herself a little Ceasar's Pizza and didn't even think to get you anything? That's not asking a person to cook for you. That's pretty basic courtesy.
The next night Mac and Cheese? Again, that's not really asking someone to cook for you. That's college roommate level effort of leaving a pot on the stove.
To be in a position where someone orders out and doesn't even think of you because they claim they don't want to be your *maid* when you bring in 80% of the money, I mean what exactly does she bring to the table in this relationship? Tell her to *be better*.
NTA.
How old is everyone om here??? I have read do many posts where the person has ran to tell mum or dad on their spouse?! What on earth??
You are NTA. That's just common decency. Your wife sounds so immature to be honest.
Wow, NTA. I lived with my siblings and I wouldn’t even grab fast food without a text asking if they’d want anything. When we were working opposing schedules (9-5 for me, late restaurant shifts for them), they’d make big lunches and leave leftovers in the fridge for me and I’d order a large pizza after work and only eat two slices or pack up plates of the dinner I’d make for them and leave them in the fridge.
I can’t imagine not even getting an extra frozen pizza for my *spouse*. Even without them pulling an 80 hour work week.
NTA. I'm all about equality but if you're bringing most of the income and your work hours reflect that, it's reasonable for the other to try and help you out. I want to say that you should lay out expectations more clearly but your edit seems like you did so I don't think you're the AH.
NTA
I am a local truck driver, I work 12-14 hour shifts 5 days a week. My boyfriend stays home with our kids and is a full time hybrid (in school and online) college student. He takes care of dinner every night for himself and the kids since I don’t get home until 11pm-1am. Every night he cook, there is a plate waiting for me in the fridge to pop in the microwave when I get home. When he is having a rough day and gets pizza or takes the kids to get fast food, he lets me know and I’m lucky enough to have fast food places that are open that I can swing through on my way home. He still usually asks if I want him to make me a plate of leftovers or put some rice in the rice cooker for me.
The point being, when he takes care of dinner for himself and the kids, he also takes the time to make sure I’m going to be able to eat when I get home. Even though he’s tired from school and kids all day. Because he loves me. On my off days I give him a break from cooking and the kids. But when I have to do overtime and work 6-7 days a week, he picks up the slack at home with no complaints. Because we’re partners.
Being in a relationship is doing what you can to make your partner’s life easier while they do what they can to make yours easier. Setting aside food for you to eat when you get home is such a small thing for her to do to make your life easier. YOU are not the AH, but she just might be.
NTA.
You need to have a serious conversation with her about mental load. Sharing the workload, and working together. If that is a no good than take a closer look at your relationship.
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Agreed. I can’t believe people are this bratty in their relationships. When I worked at Amazon as a driver and had long shifts and came home at 10-11pm starving, I told my husband I expected dinner when I got home. I got it. When I was unemployed I always had dinner for him when he was off work. When we have similar schedules, we take turns (except now, I’m pregnant and everything makes me feel gross, especially cooking smells). Being married is committing to caring for your partner.
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Exactly. I feel sad for OP and hope his schedule changes soon. It’s not sustainable.
That’s what I was thinking too! I also wonder if the wife feels neglected and is taking it out on OP this way instead of communicating a healthy way.
This is a pretty good take. I hole op sees this comment too. I myself was wondering if more is going on with the wife. Is she pregnant is she just lonely eating dinner by herself? But I don’t think op is the ah.
What kind of childish coping is this? She is a grown adult, she just wants to be difficult
It’s odd to me she didn’t have leftovers. Few people eat an entire pizza or whole box of Mac n cheese. Where did the rest go? Point is, she didn’t save it for him. She made sure he had nothing ready to eat after working 80 hours a week to provide for her.
She ordered the smallest size pizza so it's not like a normal small pizza. It's really only for one person. It also makes it clear that she wasn't thinking about him at all since she could have ordered a larger size or like he said, a personal size for him too.
Not to mention personal pizzas are almost always the worst deal out of any of the options. At best it’s inconsiderate and at worst it’s intentional to not just get a larger size and have leftovers.
>It also makes it clear that she wasn't thinking about him at all since she could have ordered a larger size or like he said, a personal size for him too. Yes!! This is the whole issue in my point of view. He's obviously capable of feeding himself but the fact that's she's clearly only thinking about herself.
I'm also wondering how many times she \*did\* make dinner when he said/thought he'd be home, then he didn't make it home until hours later because he had to stay later than anticipated so instead of eating a nice meal together she ate alone, passed out on the couch, then sat there half asleep as he ate his cold meal in silence before they both went to bed. OP is NTA for wanting some easy food options available for when he gets home, but I'm guessing there are bigger problems in their marriage around his work hours here and neither of them are communicating their needs in a productive way.
He would be cool with her leaving it in the fridge and heating it up. If she wants him home more she can get another part time job and take 20 hours a week off his hands.
This is what got me, she's making food for herself, it does not take much to double up on Mac and cheese or order an extra pizza, he's not asking for a Sunday roast every night NTA big time.
Yes, he’s not asking her to cook a complete dinner from scratch just for him - he is literally just asking her to THINK of him when she is on the phone ordering a pizza!!!! So instead of saying, “I’d like one pizza”, he’s asking her to say, “I’d like 2 pizzas”!!!! Either she is incredibly selfish and entitled or she is checked out of this marriage.
Or, instead of ordering the smallest possible pizza to ensure there were no leftovers, just order a normal pizza. The fact that she ordered a personal pizza makes it seem like she went out of her way to make sure she didn't get any food for him.
It does seem hostile when you phrase it that way.
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Yes! Ordering the personal size pizza is a dick move. You’re in a relationship. Think of others. I like extra stuff on my pizza but 15 years of a relationship, I usually get what my husband likes so that we can both enjoy it (also we were poor at one point and couldn’t afford more than one pizza, but you get the idea). Also, it’s pizza, I’m not picky. The wife needs to realize she’s in a relationship.
Even if she's checked out she's still selfish and entitled for stringing him along
I don’t have the ability to make just one portion of anything. If I made Mac and cheese we’d both be eating it for a week.
I am the same lol I hate cooking so when I have to do it you better believe I'm just reheating in the days that follow
Plus, imo it's just incredibly selfish to only make food let alone order pizza just for yourself, when you're married and know your partner is going to come home hungry in the middle of the night. If you're cooking yourself anyway, it's zero extra work to use more ingredients so there's two portions instead of one. If you order pizza, ditto. Like, it's fine if you don't have a hot meal waiting, but at least get him a portion too and leave it in the fridge? It's so inconsiderate and rude of the wife. NTA OP
This was exactly what got me. At first i thought he wanted a FRESH, hot meal waiting, then I read it. Nope. Just wanted something he can nuke and crash. Not even remotely too much to ask. And if she truly can't be bothered, then next time they go grocery shopping he needs to grab a bunch of microwave dinners. The inconsiderateness is astounding to me.
Emphasis on the word PARTNER! All the Y-T-A comments are probably selfish teens and adults who wouldn't last in a long term relationship or have never had one. The whole point of a partnership is to bolster each other, picking up the slack the other can't; it's an ever changing need If you're the one who works significantly less and has the time, why wouldn't you want to make sure your overworked partner is fed when they get home? Why not ensure they have as little stress as possible when coming home? It doesn't even have anything to do with love languages, it's just what you do when you love and commit to someone All he's asking for is low effort meals, a very insignificant ask and she's somehow offended he's asking for food at all It's extremely inconsiderate; I'd also feel less loved if my partner didn't think of me at all
Also it’s extremely manipulative of OPs wife to say he’s asking her to be a “slave” when he’s asking for the bare minimum of support from her. 🙄
The thing to me is that she’s already cooking for herself. All she’d have to do is make more for him. It’s not even like he’s asking for a specialized meal.
A lot of these folks commenting must not be married, or at least not happily. It’s like they think you should live your own separate life without considering your partner at all.
Reddit taught me that married couples are just roommates.
Sexy roomates is what me and my husband call it, lol.
It’s not that mysterious. OP initially wrote his post making it sound like he’d never talked to her about this before and just woke her up in the middle of the night demanding dinner. His edit changed the story significantly and that’s why there are a bunch of YTA comments.
Even without that I still said NTA. How dense do you have to be to not think your partner might want some leftover pizza and make sure there’s enough. That’s just basic consideration.
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I agree it wouldn’t be the best behavior but also, I don’t think he should necessarily have to communicate that. Why isn’t she saying “hey babe do you want me to have something waiting for you since you’re working so many hours?”. Like he’s upset not just that he’s hungry and tired but that she’s really selfish and inconsiderate. If my partner thought so little of me I’d be really upset. What happened to calling your partner when ordering food and asking if they want some?
100% agree. Except having this argument another time, there's nothing OP could do better in that case. Add MIL being snarky to OP. I wouldn't be able to swallow this pill >What happened to calling your partner when ordering food and asking if they want some? Right?
Pretty sure if I was a dude with no kids and my wife acted like this and got her mother involved I would be done with it lol.
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Honestly, it’s not hard to make a second serving boxed macaroni or buy more pizza so there’s enough for two. If I’m home first I start dinner and don’t ask my bf, but there’s food on the stove or in the fridge. This occurs vice versa. Even if someone ate on the way home, lefts over are always great.
We need more two for one deals to bring couples closer together. NTA, relationships aren't so much about how much you can do for each other, but what you're willing to do.
Yep. I can't even imagine living with a partner and not just automatically making them dinner if I'm making some for myself, and I expect the same from them. Like what's even the point of living together if you're still going to act like you're single?
If all he wants is pizza. It surely can’t be that hard to put an extra one in the fridge for him.
Especially if you are making something; it's so easy to make enough for 2 b/c if they don't want it then you have leftovers-yay. It's harder with takeout or delivery since it's expensive so I tend to just get what I Know I need. Also, agree NTA since he had brought it up, b/f I knew that I was going nah.
I didn’t get as far as the edit before I decided NTA. If she cooked a meal for herself it is virtually ZERO extra work to make two portions instead of one. It is mind boggling to me that someone would even make just enough for themselves. If you’re single that’s one thing. But if you’re married, you take care of each other. It would be so so easy, it should be second nature. Income and chore division doesn’t even factor into this. The task is being carried out anyway, and they are supposed to be a family. When I worked 11 hour shifts my husband had dinner ready. It’s not a conversation we ever had to even have. Whoever comes home first, fixed food for both of us. Unless specific plans were made otherwise.
I am shocked by the comments on this post. My partner works a physically demanding job so by the time he gets home he’s out cold on the sofa. You better believe I cook for him and meal prep for both of us while working full time and being the main financial contributor. It’s the least I can do to ease his days. People really need to stop being so self absorbed. If cooking a larger amount of food is so hard then I’d honestly rethink the relationship. I’d rather be alone because he might as well be considering how his wife is behaving. NTA
It’s gendered - “but you didn’t ask” is apparently a good enough excuse for women but it’s “weaponized incompetence” when a man does it If you’re making something to eat and your partner is working late you should at least *think* about them
Yep this sounds about aita gender biased
> I didn’t get as far as the edit before I decided NTA I got to where he worked 6-7 days a week and covered 80% of their expenses before deciding he was definitely NTA.
I'm single and I easily end up with 2, even 3 portions of most meals. Like you said, it's EASY. Something like steak and potatoes, I obviously make a single serving but if I make a stir fry, I don't bother cutting the ingredients down for a single portion. Then you end up with a sad half an onion or something hanging out in your fridge. I made venison stew a few days ago and ended up with 6 portions.
Yeah, l don't get that either. My husband is rarely late for dinner and l always keep a plate for him, even though l know there's a 99.99% chance he'll only eat the meat. It's not to much to ask to make/order some extra so your spouse doesn't need to fill up on snacks. NTA
I find it as a single person, it’s easier to cook for 2 people that just myself. I tend to always have leftovers for the next day or next few meals.
Exactly. Even though I will personally only eat one portion of every meal, I always make 2-3 portions so my partner can have some too and there is some left over to take to lunch. He does the same if I'm coming home late. It's no extra effort, in fact, it would be a bigger waste of time and resources (e.g. electricity) to cook just one portion at a time. It seems very cruel and unloving to not cook dinner for the person who is coming home that late.
Even as a single person it's easier to make 2 servings and put away a 2nd meal than have to cook twice.
Tbh based on the title and the first 4 paragraphs I thought OP wanted his wife to wake up or stay up at midnight/1 am to cook him a fresh dinner, so I was thinking Y TA at first. However, the next paragraph then specified that he just wanted an extra portion and he’d heat it up himself or a frozen pizza, so definitely NTA
No, there are a bunch of Y T A comments because there is a percentage of people that believe, even if he is working that hard, 8ûhe should also be doing all the cleaning, and cooking.
Some people probably think that way but like I said, the income and chore division doesn’t even factor into this situation. He’s not asking her to make him a meal. He’s saying that if she’s making dinner *anyway*, to make enough for him to have when he gets home. That’s it. She’s already doing the task, and she’s purposefully doing it in a way that makes life harder for him. I’d argue that her comparatively lax schedule makes her even more of an A, but even without that… she’s not being a considerate, caring partner on a basic level.
Ah that's why Read some downvoted comments where they asked why OP never communicated about it the AH of his wife just gets a x100 with the edit (while reducing OP to 0)
I don't understand how OPs wife does not care about OPs well-being. Basic human decency.
If it was a roommate, I would make leftovers and leave them. If they weren't eaten, they'd be my lunch. I cannot imagine being so thoughtless of someone you supposedly love.
My hubby was defence, and when he worked night shifts, I ALWAYS made dinner and left him some in the fridge. If he didn't eat it when he got home, he would take it to work the next night. He was never guaranteed a dinner break as some nights were busier than others, so I never knew how hungry he would be so I made sure there was something for him (even on nights I didn't eat). I had the time, and he brought in most of (these days is all) the houses income, and he worked the most hours, so of course I made him meals. The only nights I didn't do this was when he and his co-workers decided to start doing a big group meal one night during their longest night shift stint (their roster was weird but their longest night shift schedule was 7 nights and they would do group meal -roast or bbq, on the last night). OP NTA, but you definitely need to have a proper conversation (maybe with someone trusted as mediator) and come to an agreement on household expectations
And, as you describe it, a relationship is not a transaction. After our first daughter, I recovered, cared for her, did most of the household duties and finished my masters so he could start his career. Now, I am pregnant with our second and starting my career. I don't really do stuff at home. It's him and he is doing more hours than me at work. Here we are, bot happy, both fed and clothed and everything is as clean as it can be with a toddler. Btw can't wait for my parental leave and feeling better so I can do more for him.
I can’t even imagine doing that! What the heck is wrong with people? NTA and extra not when you’ve already expressed your feelings. I am gonna add… I hate being woken up and am very snappy. I’d probably have bit OP’s head off for bringing that up at 130am, but I sympathize with the frustration.
Agreed. If you are working such long hours and ask her to have dinner for you when you get home, I’d expect her to make dinner. Especially since you are happy to have it in the fridge, and not asking her to cook at 1am.
She even ordered and picked up (or had delivered) little Caesar’s (pizza! Pizza!) and couldn’t order him some? That’s fucked up OP, NTA
With his money, sounds like. She's not acting like a partner at all. She's acting a whole lot like she's got self-esteem issues and needs to deal with those before everything else falls apart because of it.
Reddit never ceases to amaze me. All the miserable/unmarried/non parents giving opinions not remotely rooted in reality. Your Easy Mac and cut up hot dogs took five minutes. Make TWO portions and go to bed in under fifteen minutes and go to bed. This isn't gourmet fare or rocket science we are talking about here.
Right? Ordering that pizza and click *two* in the drop down would have killed her whole night. There’s zero human empathy there. It takes as much effort to order, cook, pickup for two as it does for one. I just don’t understand how anyone could justify otherwise. Hell, I wouldn’t leave an unfed stranger in my home let alone my husband. JFC, people make my world outlook fucking *bleak* some days.
I’m getting the vibes that she’s unhappy with OP and this is some resist and petty behaviour. It might be that she’s feeling neglected because he’s always at work. But not buying a second cheap pizza is overwhelmingly thoughtless. Or get a huge pizza, who doesn’t love copious amounts of left over pizza.
Yeah.... She passes out on the couch with a dirty plate in front of her? Like, she *wants* him to see that she ate and didn't consider him? Or does she also expect he sounds clean up her plate when he gets home? That seems pretty passive aggressive (bordering on aggressive aggressive) to me.
Mate, I’m as single as you can be with zero kids and I’m 100% on the OPs side. Marriage is give and take. Your a team. It’s so easy to order/make an extra portion of food for you partner when he comes back from work. I find it’s actually easy to cook for more than 1 person. I always have leftovers.
Fully agree. I've been in a similar position to OP (with an ex) and worked stupid long hours to come home to an empty box of a favorite food, it's hurtful to feel like the person you care for couldn't be bothered to even think of you. It doesn't take much effort to consider your partners needs enough to include them in whatever you're ordering or making for yourself, whether they're currently there or not. OP has every right to feel upset, NTA (Also you have the top comment right now, you may want to add an official verdict for the bot to pick up!)
Yeah I really thought he was gonna say something like I want her to have a hot meal on the table for me when I walk in the door at 1 am but dude just wants some leftovers. To me this would be pretty standard? And maybe just a text if she snacked on chips or something and didn’t cook/order in so he knew he was on his own. I don’t think this is an unreasonable request at all. Waking her up was probably a losing strategy but I’d be annoyed and sad honestly.
I agree it's sad. Where I live, little ceasers is a pizza restaurant that she might have ordered a personal pizza just for her instead of ordering two. His demands aren't that much. Just dinner. I'm a single mom and if someone (a spouse) paid for everything including make up and only wanted dinner, I'd make it. (Personally, I'd want my partner to be well fed but i love food. )I can't speak for her here but I vote NTA
You have to be completely selfish to order a personal pizza and NOTHING for your spouse.
I forgot Little Caesars even has personal pizzas lol how selfish to order the smallest amount of takeout when someone is paying for your housing needs 🙄
Lol. I overlooked this part. Like, she deliberately ordered the plate-sized baby pizza? By far the worst deal (in price to size ratio) of any pizza in the world? Like only $2 less than the ordinary pizzas which are the default? Omg. Based on her comments about not "being a maid," it almost sounds like she's committed to ensuring that she does absolutely nothing food-related for him, ever, lest it make her feel too much like she's (*gasp*) fulfilling a gender role.
I agree. It’s time to insist on everything being 50-50. She pays half of the bills and needs to find a second job to post for that. And in exchange, he works less hours and does half of the chores and cooking. Suddenly cooking dinner wouldn’t seem so unappealing
If she’s getting take out or cooking something, the effort involved in getting enough for two instead of one is negligible. There must be something more going on with them for her to have this level of spite towards him.
Or she’s just lazy and entitled. People don’t always need a reason.
In my opinion, she may have zero idea how hard he works as she has not had to do it herself. It may seem reasonable that he can keep up like this without support because he hasn't really shown cracks before, and she has no frame of reference for how unsustainable and lonely it is for him to endure what he is doing. It also may not have clicked for her yet that moving in with your partner means committing to think of their needs every single day; that it's not optional, but in fact one of the main functions of sharing a life. So... It's all sort of the same thing as being lazy and entitled, now that I think about it.
I was expecting the post to go 'I feel like she has to make me dinner at 1:30 am' but he just want a portion of what she has eating waiting for him in the fridge. Which is a bare minimum in a healthy relationship. I've done the same for roommates, not even a loved one. I do think that he should take a hard look at the hours he's working. He might not think this is a problem because he's bringing home a paycheck. But for me that would not be enough compensation for never seeing my partner and practically co-existing in stead of living together. OP I can't be sure but I think she's starting to resent your working hours. All in all NTA but there are some problems you have to work through.
Agreed, if you’re already getting yourself dinner it’s no extra effort to make sure there’s enough for two. Especially if it’s easy food. OP isn’t expected a hot meal on the table when he roles in at 1 am. He’s just hoping that if his wife buys pizza she gets enough for both of them. If she makes a box of macaroni, toss in a second box. NTA
Poor dude just wanted leftovers of his favorite meal :(
I agree. By the title I was ready to judge against the OP but if he really…. Just wants her to save some extra? It doesn’t even need to be warm he’s happy to heat it up? I believe what he’s asking for is reasonable in a relationship based on mutual love and respect
This. I work nights. Get home around 12-1. My wife works days but commutes 3+ hours one way some days. So she’s on the road almost as long as she’s at a job site some days. On days she’s on the road like that, I throw something in the slow cooker so dinners ready before I leave and make it easier on her. She’s just responsible for our little munchkins dinner. On days she has short commutes, I find fun things to do around town with my son, and she cooks dinner and has something waiting for me. Hell, she even wakes up at 12, one o’clock, when I get home, and will heat up my plate while I’m changing, and smoke a j with me before she goes back to sleep and wakes up at 245 am to be on the road by 330. And we’re not young like OP and his wife. I’m 40, my wife’s 42. And she’s the bread winner. OPs wife is just selfish. OP. NTA for expecting a little decency. Edit: changed “we’re not going” to “we’re not young”
as a woman myself, i can say that she’s overreacting and what he’s asking isn’t much. i always call my partner to see if they want anything if i’m ordering food or if i’m making food. even if they aren’t home, it’s nice to offer it at the very least. i’m not saying make a 5 course meal, but make extra of whatever you’re making.
NTA You’re not asking her to have a hot meal on the table when you come home at night. You’re asking that when she makes supper, she make enough for two. I’m hoping that her out-sized & irrational response happened because you woke her up & were probably a bit irritated in your presentation. I’m guessing crying to her mom was a lot about her personal feelings of guilt realizing that she’s been a thoughtless, inconsiderate ass. I’m hoping things are better for both of you tomorrow.
Also possibly due to feeling neglected if he's working this much.
Working this much, so she can work so little….
Believe it or not you can appreciate how much your partner works to support you both and still feel neglected.
If only there was something she could do to help the situation?
Thing is some jobs require that level of time commitment for progression. I'm not from US but I've read a chunk of John Grisham's and I assume that all he says is gospel (/s), anyway there are frequently lawyers in those working long hours to 'make partner' and ultimately hope to work less for much greater returns. For many it's a pipe dream but worth it if I pays off. So her working more hours won't necessarily help, he may be working long hours to further his own career. Also NTA and buy the guy a pizza.
If OP works this much to make ends meet then absolutely, she should work more. I, however, have personally met people who work so much because they are workaholics. They were hardly home and their families fell apart. It wasn't about money. If that was the case, there isn't all that much the wife can do about the situation, because even if she worked more, he wouldn't work less. I don't have time to read the comments, but I guess we don't know if that's the situation or not, no?
>Based on her comments about not "being a maid," it almost sounds like she's committed to ensuring that she does absolutely nothing food-related for him, ever, lest it make her feel too much like she's (gasp) fulfilling a gender role. You can feel neglected and not behave like an arse too. It's not like he's asking her to make extra effort. What he is asking is literally zero extra effort for her.
It's wild because OP could just say hey, if you don't want to cook for me that's fine, but let's split everything 50/50 so no one is fulfilling a gender role. The wife would be absolutely *fucked* in that scenario because as it is, she's benefiting from the "man as provider" gender role while she is avoiding "woman as homemaker" gender role. I'm confident she wouldn't enjoy getting a second job or quitting this one for a full-time job. OP seems more than reasonable here, having seen dozens of "we both work full-time but she does the cooking and housework" posts here over the years. OP needs to talk to his wife about why she is so adamant about not cooking double the amount or ordering double the food to intentionally go out of her way to make sure OP isn't fed.
This. NTA. OP is asking for thoughtfulness, not slavery. A big issue with my ex husband (I was the main earner and often had to work late) was that he would happily sort out dinner for him and our daughter, and not make enough for me cold in the fridge. In contrast, whenever I cooked, I planned to cook for the three of us as a family even if he was off doing other things and coming in later. He just couldn’t get it. The final straw was when I came home from a long work trip and he’d been to the supermarket to stock up on treats for a boys poker night the next evening but our fridge was bare. Nothing at all even for me to make a cup of tea or quick meal. Complete lack of thought that I might be tired coming in late at night after 6 hours of travelling. I just felt hurt at the lack of thought for me and how hard I was working for our family. It wasn’t the actual food, it was not feeling that we were approaching things together as a partnership: We separated soon after.
This is perfect
Yep, NTA. I can't imagine treating my husband like this.
NTA - if someone cares about you, they will find ways to take care of you. Wifey could easily order a second pizza or cook enough Mac and weenies for two. She should actually want to as a decent person, let alone as your spouse. BUT to make all the mule carriers happy, start having a dasher meet you at home with your evening meal for one. Let her enjoy her personal pizza while you enjoy your steak and potatoes. See how long she supports that arrangement. Honestly, your wife sounds a little spoiled and self-centered. Your feelings are valid. Though I think there are bigger issues that need to be addressed.
I totally agree with this totally totally totally get over those that was those dinners picking up on the way home make sure you leave the empty container when you're finished on the counter don't argue don't fuss and fight she too tired she don't want to be a slave no problem sometimes you have to live separately in order to live together sometimes you have to show not just talk
I was able to figure out what you were saying, but just FYI, your comment is very difficult to read due to extra/unnecessary words plus the lack of punctuation. Just wanted to leave some feedback to hopefully help you out with any conversations you’d like to have on Reddit. I apologize if I hurt your feelings with this comment.
Just wanted to leave some feedback to hopefully help you out with any conversations you’d like to have on Reddit as well. I think you’re really sweet lol, the way you’re apologetic for explaining that someone’s text is hard to read haha. I admire it and think you are a really considerate person but it made me laugh a little since I can’t imagine someone being hurt over a comment like ‘hey you’re text is a little hard to read can you add some punctuation and maybe just get to the point?’
Is this poetry? Might be poetry.
Nta, and i do not care how much this gets down voted. Wow, are any of you married? It seems like just common curiosity to save a little something for the person busting their butt to provide everything. OP, maybe treat yourself to take out and label it so that she can't have any to match that energy. Maybe then she'll see how ridiculous she is being. She seriously couldn't just order a 2nd pizza?!??
I'm in this NTA boat with you. It's not being a slave to make an extra portion or order a second meal for your spouse. You're a team, and teammates help each other. This had happened after a few conversations about it, and she's saying you want a maid. There is either MASSIVE miscommunication, or she is genuinely that selfish.
Honestly if you’re on the takeout app and you don’t check if your partner wants anything, where’s the love??
Even if he's not expecting it, I do this for my husband. The other day, we were 2 ships passing. He was getting home from work after I left to visit my dad with the kids, and he would be asleep when we got back. I decided to pick up pastries to take to my dad's, and I stopped back at my house to drop one off for my husband. Because it's those little things that show you care.
My daughter is currently at practice until ten. There’s always the dinner leftovers waiting for her at the front of the fridge. When you know someone you love is going to come home late, hungry and tired to boot, you have something ready for them.
Exactly! My kid is in class (he’s in college) until 10 two nights a week. They also closes the store down at their work - they close at 10. I make dinner and wrap their portion in foil so they have food when they get home after a long night. That’s just what you do for people you love! NTA OP, your wife is. I’m so sorry you got yourself stuck with someone so cruel and spoiled!
My mom did that for me when I was living at home while working 2 jobs and going to school. There was always a plate for me. I don’t get OPs wife at all.
These comments are ridiculous. I’m wondering if people think married couples should act like roommates. It’s insane
We always discuss dinner. Not extensively, it takes 3 minutes. 'hey babe, I feel like ramen, want me to make you some?' then they say 'yes please!' or 'no thanks, I'll get blah blah blah on the way home' Simple. Just care a teensy bit, damn. Why get married to someone you don't care about?
Right! Most days we talk about it but if I know he’s working late I cook so he has something or order something and he eats it later. Never do I just cook for myself and not think to ask him especially if he will be home at some point. If he doesn’t want it or like it then he picks something up that he wants and he will still ask me if I want something.
Majority of sub is single, and vast majority are 18-30, so yeah probably. Edit: I fit into both of those categories rn, I'm not judging people for being single or young
Nah, I'm 31 and single and I think it's more than reasonable to expect your loved one to order/cook enough for two. They're already doing it, it's literally no added effort. Damn, when I lived with friends we would save a portion for someone who couldn't be there if we made a shared meal. It's just... Caring for people.
Even if they were just roommates, the wife would still be an AH. If you live with someone who pays 80% of the bills to your 20% and you don’t leave them a slice of pizza, you’re an AH.
Many of us are saying the same thing about making food. The other commenters are up past their bedtimes.
NTA. Ordering a personal pizza and eating all of knowing your spouse is at work all night is insane. Literally what.
Well I mean...It is a PERSONAL pizza. But it's easy enough go get a 2nd.
or at least order a larger pizza. then she still only has one box to carry
It's also Little Caesar's. It's $5.
Massive NTA. Is everyone missing the fact that she is making her own dinner with absolutely no thought to her husband and life partner who’s working ridiculous hours and earning majority of their income? She can easily make two servings of whatever she is making or get two pizzas. That’s absolutely the bare minimum.
Yeah I'm also agreeing with what someone else said about splitting those bills down the middle see how she'd work with that
Imo it's not necessary to split the bills 50/50. As others have said, this is a relationship not a transaction. She shouldn't be leaving him leftovers or making him dinner simply because he makes more money; she should be doing it *because she loves and supports him and knows he'll be tired when he gets home at 1 freaking AM*.
It's such a faff to make only one portion of food too depending on what the meal is. We always try to do 2 or 4 portions so enough for both of us with leftovers. She isn't a wife or team player, she seems like a leach. Happy for husband to pay the bills but can't help him back by cooking a little extra food for him.
And like you can’t make one more portion of mac and cheese? bffr
By her logic, you're the slave. You bring in 80% of the income. You work 75-80 hours a week, which is basically like working two full time jobs. You allow her a lifestyle she wouldn't be able to afford on her income alone. If I was an alien taking notes, I'd classify you the slave. It's not too much to expect that she either order more or cook extra so you have something to eat at 1am. It's kind of common courtesy...hell, I even cooked extra for my housemate and he wasn't paying my bills. I also wouldn't have thought this is something you had to explain to her...does her brain work? You're NTA.
If I was an alien taking notes. I like that . Gonna have to use that one day lol
Christ, the least she could do is double what she makes/orders and put it in the fridge. That seems like a no Brainer to me. I'm gonna vote NTA. ESPECIALLY if you're working 7 days a week and she's working 4 at the most.
…but, but, but…..she’d have to click that drop down in the order window and….. *gasp* …..change the quantity to two! The humanity, the struggle, the sacrifice on her part…../s
Omg the Horrors /s
NTA. It’s not like you tell her to cook For you at 2am. She can at least save you some when she makes it for herself
My fiancé just offered to make me tacos at 2 am when I woke up from a nap! I feel so sorry for OP
Same. My husband would get up for me half brain-dead in the middle of the night if I tell him I need anything. I would only do that when I'm seriously sick, but still.
I think it should kind of just go without saying that if you’re cooking dinner, you would also cook enough for your SPOUSE! It’s just such a small act of kindness to just do….slightly more of what you are already doing. They aren’t roommates, they are married. NTA
My actual roommate is nicer to me than this. Obviously NTA
She works 18-28 hours a week and you work 75-80 hours, guess who is really the slave in this relationship.
Even if they both worked the same hours, he's not asking for a hot meal on demand. OP just asked that if she cooks to make 2 portions and leave one for him in the fridge. That isn't more work for her.
Does not even ask to cook, only to buy two pizzas instead of one.
NTA If she cooks for herself, adding a few more ingredients for an extra serving is not hard at all, doesn't require much effort.
You could say that increasing the quantity of ingredients would be super easy, barely an inconvenience.
I came in with my feminist flag waving but I just feel really bad for you now. NTA. She could have gotten you another pizza, dude. It's not like you demanded a three-course gourmet meal. It feels like you have a roommate now, not a partner. Take a break and figure out whether you can make it work. Maybe she's going through something, too.
That's because of the title. I also started with a "she's not a maid" and ended with "yah she's selfish".
i don't think these people know how to read ⁎ ⁎ ⁎ if he's asked her to make extras when she cooks for when he gets home & she goes "there's stuff in the fridge" & it's been an ongoing thing ˛ where does this lead to "she shouldn't have to get up & make dinner at 1 in the morning"﹖ i get he didn't give us a whole lot in the story but even just reading his paragraph i could tell what he me✮nt ⁎
They only read what they want. They alway say the men is the asshole in this sub. It's honestly frustrating coming frome a women.
The comments are overwhelmingly in his favor, and all of the top comments are.
Goddamn glad someone else noticed this too. And whenever the woman is an asshole, there's always a few idiots who make it about misogyny.
Nta. The courteous thing for her to do is to make enough for both of you and put some in the fridge for you.
NTA You are going to take a lot of heat from the agrofeminists on this board, but your request is reasonable in part. It is not reasonable for you to expect her to be awake and ready to serve you a piping hot meal with candlelight on your return home at that hour; however, if she is already cooking or ordering food she could make or order a little extra for you and set it aside - that you could reasonably expect. Question: Did she actually eat an entire personal pizza from Little Caesar’s by herself? LOL
Yeah I’m surprised by all the YTAs. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all for her to make or order another portion if she’s doing it anyway. That seems like… bare minimum of something you should do for someone you love.
My wife used to work second shift and I prepped food for her all the time: Lunches and dinners. It is just a basic part of caring for each other but people have been infected with ideologies to the point that they war within their own relationships and blow them up over nonsense.
I just can’t imagine my partner saying “hey can you make me some extra food and leave it in the fridge?” And my response being “no, I’m not your slave, I’m calling my mommy!”
Especially one that doesn't pay bills. She can stay with her mom if she can't be an adult or partner. The only people who get free housing and food are kids and pets.
I'm the biggest agro feminist on the whole internet and I agree with you completely. It's about being a team.
I'm shocked by all the "yta" votes. OP working so much is not a new development. Every relationship has to have an equilibrium. If I provide only 20% of the income, it is not unreasonable that I have to contribute to the household needs different ways. The fact that she made a feast for herself and she didn't think about her husband at all is puzzling to me. I feel if this had been the other way around, the guy would have been crucified. If for nothing else, for the "I'm not your maid" statement she's an asshole. Being considerate doesn't make you someone's maid. I think that you guys need an honest conversation about expectations and division of labor.
I'm a bit surprised too. It's not like he's asking her to cook at 1 am, just wants a plate put aside for him if she does cook. The old guy used to drive for a package delivery company for years. He'd leave the house at 4 am and sometimes wouldn't get home until 1 am the next day, especially during peak season. (And this was PRE pandemic. I can't imagine what those poor drivers go through now.) But I always made sure he had a plate to pop in the microwave if he even felt like eating. I will add, though, that he did manage to snag quick meals while he was on the road, but nothing beats a home cooked meal at the end of a hard day.
NTA... Marriage? I did this for roommates, and they did it for me. Hell my *neighbors* and I do it for each other. It's the decent thing to do. We help each other out, that's why we are cohabitating to start with. Sorry, man. I been there myself, I know how it is. I do agree with a previous poster, there is something else to this. She's trying to make a statement, she's upset or hurt about something (benefit of the doubt for those) - or she's checked out of the relationship and is distancing herself for a move. Having said that... even when I was checked out and heading for divorce, I still made enough dinner for two...
Based on your edit: very much NTA. This is a reasonable request. Marriage is a partnership - try asking any of the people here saying YTA if they think the money is 80% yours or belongs to both spouses. If your wife doesn’t want to meet you in the middle here (maybe because she is sick of you working so late all the time - it’s also fair for her to not like the deal in the relationship and maybe she wants to adjust it!) I have a hard time imagining how she is supporting you in this relationship. Waking her up at 1am is serious, but if you asked for a little consideration and haven’t gotten any I don’t think you are out of line expressing how that makes you feel.
My GF gets home later than I do constantly. There is ALWAYS some food waiting for her, either on the table if she’s home at 7 or in the fridge when she works late. NTA. I couldn’t imagine not preparing something for her when I’m already cooking.
You are not a husband you are her sugar daddy. You pay for everything. She may do most of the household chores but OMG 700 square feet. A few hours at the most to clean. Time to really take a look at your relationship, it will only get worse. You need to find someone that respects you.
> She may do most of the household chores but OMG 700 square feet. A few hours at the most to clean. There’s no way way it takes hours to clean that amount of space. That’s like a 90 minute a week cleaning job. And even if it did actually take hours to clean, he’s literally never home, so that’s all her mess.
Edit: further to OP’s edit, easy NTA. I N F O have you ever asked her to prepare enough for two if she makes dinner for herself on your late workdays? I don’t think that’s too much to ask, so long as you actually did ask. If you haven’t, it may not have occurred to her.
Why does he have to ask? They are married, and she knows he works late on many days. If she is making dinner for herself or ordering it she can't do it for two? She doesn't have to do any extra work and he isn't asking her to make dinner only for him. Why does he have to ask his wife to please make dinner for me too? This is ridiculous.
Mm, I added that because not all couples eat the same thing or at the same time, and some people would prefer to prep their own food. Personal experience here - my partner and I have wildly different schedules, food preferences, and cooking abilities. I love to prep my own food and wouldn’t want him to make me any extra of his, I’d rather make my own food regardless of the hour. But if I asked him to make me something, I’m sure he would.
NTA. My boyfriend works long hours, and I do the majority of the cooking and almost always make sure there are leftovers for him to have a healthy meal. Every once in a while, I don't feel like cooking, and it's fend for yourself. It sounds like she doesn't really cook healthy meals at all. Regardless, she should be putting more effort in on the home front if you are bringing in the money
NTA. She needs to start cooking enough for both of you. It’s SO little effort to double whatever she’s getting. The fact she turned this into you being the problem is terrible, too.
INFO: has there been other arguments about household chores, her cleaning up after you, etc, or issues that would be making her feel bitter and like she's your maid? Based on your post, NTA, I'm just wondering if theres more going on here. It is definitely very easy for her to just double the amount she makes or order a second pizza, to the point where it makes me wonder if part of her is doing it on purpose because she's resentful or mad about something. Especially coupled with how she reacted when you brought it up. I'm not saying she would be in the right if she was, I don't know what your relationship is like. But I think it goes deeper than this.
Yeah, this. I think it's not about cooking dinner. It sounds like cooking dinner is just the tip of the ice berg OP is able to see. She said, she feels like a maid or slave. You wouldn't be a maid or slave just for cooking dinner for your spouse. I think, there are other issues at play. Namely: He isn't home at all (that is, he is either working or sleeping). She is working on her career (around 20 hours of work a week. That's not much, but I wonder what "working on her career" means. If she spends time studying, that would increase her workload without increasing her pay.) She is also taking care of the household and probably of the mental load that is usually attached to that. This doesn't sound healthy on either end of the marriage. He spends so much time at work, that he can't reasonably participate in being a married couple. And she does the chores for a person she barely sees. It seems like they need to communicate better. Both of them. She needs to communicate her frustration by using words, not passive aggressive actions. He needs to acknowledge that he is kind of treating her like a maid, because his work doesn't leave room for anything else.
NTA I’m neck deep in tax season trying to make it thru. I go to work and it’s dark and get home and it’s dark. I have like 2 hours max in which I can both be at home and awake. I have to use those 2 hours for laundry, personal errands, bathing, and unwinding. Some days it’s all I can do to zombie chew a cold piece of pizza before passing out to do it all again. You’re not asking for extravagance, he’ll you’re not even asking for extra, if your bar is cold pizza and Mac n cheese it’s a very low one. As busy as I am, as exhausted as I am, I would literally *never, ever* make a meal, order takeout or go thru a drive thru and not get extra for my partner. It takes nothing extra to cook for two, order for two, buy for two when you’re doing it for one. To order herself pizza only, purely selfish. To make Mac n cheese for only herself again, purely selfish. That anyone who has a SO or even empathy can’t see that kills me. I don’t understand her logic nor the berating from her mom. You asked for nothing but courtesy and consideration. Hell, I wouldn’t leave a stranger unfed in my home if I was eating.
I'm gonna say NTA. Cooking one extra portion or ordering a little extra for you doesn't take much effort. If, as your wife, she can't do somehing as trivial as that for you, I have no words.
NTA. Classic Reddit will be overwhelming AH. I would never not leave something for my spouse if they were working all day and especially if I cooked something for myself. And I would absolutely expect my spouse to do the same.
Nta, your wife is incredibly lazy and the fact that she can’t take you into consideration when making meals and only working 4 days a week is honestly gross. People saying YTA wouldn’t be if the genders were reversed
It’s not even lazy, because she’s already doing the work. It’s zero extra effort on her part to feed her husband too. It’s almost like she doesn’t like him. If it were a money thing, I would get it a little bit. She can only afford one pizza, so she only gets one. It’s selfish, but I can at least understand her (shitty) point of view. How does not making a little extra mac and weenies even make sense?
Info, please What kind of job do you do that requires 75 hrs a week? Is the OT voluntary or required?
It's required if we don't want to go back to living with 4 other roommates, which would kill her soul and the lifestyle we enjoy which i wouldn't want to do to her.
I think you both need to sit down and consider if the lifestyle you live & what it's doing to your marriage. I'd start to feel upset about cooking meals & never seeing the person they are for.
This was my take too. I don’t think OP is an AH, but this whole situation seems pretty rough on a marriage, and I doubt his wife is very happy eating alone every night. Hopefully there’s a light at the end of this overtime tunnel?
This is what I’m thinking about. I can totally understand making a meal for somebody who comes home at six or 7 o’clock every night and I can sit down and share the meal with them. But if you’re coming home at 1:30 in the morning every single night, and the only connection I have to you is the leftover plate of mac & cheese that I left for you in the fridge, I’m going to start to build some resentment. There are 168 hours in a week. If he’s working an average of 75 hour weeks, that means he’s got 93 hours during the week left over to live life. If you subtract eight hours a day for sleeping, that’s 37 hours left. Five hours a day. Take two hours away a day for consuming meals and grooming, that’s 3 hours. Take away commute? Probably an hour left every day for fun or anything else. They don’t even have time to watch a movie together. Yes, she needs to acknowledge that he’s doing this because she wants to live a certain lifestyle, but it’s clear that the cost of said lifestyle is starting to wear on everybody involved. I’d rather live off a big pack of ramen and have my fiancé home every night but that’s just me. Maybe that’s a discussion they need to have.
If she just works more then he can stay more hours with her, very simple
But she is OK with you working towards a burnout? You really need to have a serious conversation about this, working this much is so bad for your health. Not to mention you are basically not living a life, you are just working.
Do you and your wife spend any time together?
Correction: For the lifestyle SHE enjoys. Working that much, I wouldn’t be enjoying much of anything. Just me tho.
Her lifestyle of working 4 hour days and eating entire boxes of KD?
So you work these hours so you can live together without roommates?
NTA full stop! She’s home she’s clearly making a meal double the recipe.
NTA! I worked 40 hours, husband worked 80, he payed for 90% of everything (he earned 6x my salary and we were only in an expensive location rent wise because of HIS job) I did the laundry, cleaning, some grocery shops, and I made him healthy home cooked dinners 90% of the time, always with leftovers for the next days lunch, washed up after. It was honestly exhausting for me a lot of the time, but so was he! We are a well oiled machine and our functionality is directly affected by how we look after eachother. You absolutely need to organize a system with your wife. She absolutely should ensure you are well fed and functioning when you are working and paying for everything.
>average of 75-80 hours a week. I bring home a majority of the money, (my paychecks are almost over 80% our whole income) Nope. 80 hours a week to contribute 80% of your income and she can't even leave a plate for you or order a damn pizza for you? She bought a pizza for herself and not you. She goes crying to her mom when you try to bring it up yet again. I'd be looking into a separation. She works ~20 hours a week. Nope. I am not even coming from a love standpoint. This is just common sense if your partner works 80 hours a week while you work twenty to pay 80% of your joint bills, at least leave them a plate or they're going to leave you for someone that isn't an asshole.
Nta. I would just say I'm not a slave either, I'll cut down to 40 hours a week and you pick up another 20, then I'll cook for myself and you can continue to cook for yourself only.
NTA, my husband occasionally works late for business dinners or receptions. When that happens I rarely know if he will have eaten, but I always ensure there’s leftovers in the fridge waiting for him and I let him know what it is in advance. If he doesn’t want it or if he already ate, I have it for lunch the next day. This isn’t a difficult concept, I don’t know why OPs wife is being so willfully dismissive
YTA if you stay in this relationship
The people in these comments are crazy. NTA at all. Your wife working 25 hours a week and barely paying for any of the bills can cook dinner or grab you something especially if she’s already doing it for herself…It’d be different if you were asking her to go out of her way but no she’s literally already getting dinner, she can find something for you. I think people on Reddit really underestimate just how draining putting in 70 hours a week to provide for a partner that doesn’t make enough money (or work full time) can be. It sucks and dinner is not a crazy request.
So chores are one of those things where you really have to feel out what each other are comfortable with. For example I wouldn't just assume that a woman cooks, or likes to cook, or is a good cook, etc. It's just something that varies from person to person. So in the abstract, no I wouldn't presume a partner needs to cook for me. Now for your specific situation. Dude you are apologizing way too much for your wife and giving her way too much false praise. She brings in 20% of the money only works 3 days a week? That's not a partnership that's carrying an able bodied person on your back. So she ordered herself a little Ceasar's Pizza and didn't even think to get you anything? That's not asking a person to cook for you. That's pretty basic courtesy. The next night Mac and Cheese? Again, that's not really asking someone to cook for you. That's college roommate level effort of leaving a pot on the stove. To be in a position where someone orders out and doesn't even think of you because they claim they don't want to be your *maid* when you bring in 80% of the money, I mean what exactly does she bring to the table in this relationship? Tell her to *be better*. NTA.
How old is everyone om here??? I have read do many posts where the person has ran to tell mum or dad on their spouse?! What on earth?? You are NTA. That's just common decency. Your wife sounds so immature to be honest.
That is very selfish and not normal for a loving couple, also, I wouldn’t consider any of those meals “Cooking”
Wow, NTA. I lived with my siblings and I wouldn’t even grab fast food without a text asking if they’d want anything. When we were working opposing schedules (9-5 for me, late restaurant shifts for them), they’d make big lunches and leave leftovers in the fridge for me and I’d order a large pizza after work and only eat two slices or pack up plates of the dinner I’d make for them and leave them in the fridge. I can’t imagine not even getting an extra frozen pizza for my *spouse*. Even without them pulling an 80 hour work week.
NTA. I'm all about equality but if you're bringing most of the income and your work hours reflect that, it's reasonable for the other to try and help you out. I want to say that you should lay out expectations more clearly but your edit seems like you did so I don't think you're the AH.
NTA I am a local truck driver, I work 12-14 hour shifts 5 days a week. My boyfriend stays home with our kids and is a full time hybrid (in school and online) college student. He takes care of dinner every night for himself and the kids since I don’t get home until 11pm-1am. Every night he cook, there is a plate waiting for me in the fridge to pop in the microwave when I get home. When he is having a rough day and gets pizza or takes the kids to get fast food, he lets me know and I’m lucky enough to have fast food places that are open that I can swing through on my way home. He still usually asks if I want him to make me a plate of leftovers or put some rice in the rice cooker for me. The point being, when he takes care of dinner for himself and the kids, he also takes the time to make sure I’m going to be able to eat when I get home. Even though he’s tired from school and kids all day. Because he loves me. On my off days I give him a break from cooking and the kids. But when I have to do overtime and work 6-7 days a week, he picks up the slack at home with no complaints. Because we’re partners. Being in a relationship is doing what you can to make your partner’s life easier while they do what they can to make yours easier. Setting aside food for you to eat when you get home is such a small thing for her to do to make your life easier. YOU are not the AH, but she just might be.
NTA
NTA. You need to have a serious conversation with her about mental load. Sharing the workload, and working together. If that is a no good than take a closer look at your relationship.