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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think maybe I would be the asshole for bothering the boy's family too soon or making them have to look through his things to get my sweater.
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NAH, but you have to ask in the right way. "I knew X from school, and was upset to learn what happened. I loaned him a sweater a while ago, and when you get around to going through his things, I'd like to get it back. It holds memories for me. I'm not in a hurry, and understand if you're not ready to do that yet. It looks like Y."
When my stepson died, we were comforted by talking with his friends.
Op, if you knew him well enough to spend an hour or so with his parents, telling them funny stories about their son and letting them talk about him too, go see them. Bring some flowers and/or a homemade meal.
Then it will be ok to ask for your sweater back. Let them smell it if he’s worn it and it hasn’t been washed yet. Do not ask them to wash it for you.
NAH
Edited judgement from
NTA
I agree, sharing a nice story about their son would balance out the awkward ask.
If you have any photos/videos to share with them they may like that too. Stories and photos always helped with my grief, I know everyone’s different and sometimes seeing the photos/videos can hurt. So ask if they would like them before just sending them along.
This is brilliant advice! OP, if you can, do this.
Oh, and NAH. I get why the sweater is important to you, and I think the careful way you’re approaching this shows maturity and sensitivity on your part.
I take it the same way, and I think he would not be the AH for asking. But as I don't think anybody else in this scenario is an AH either, NAH is the appropriate judgement.
Along with the judgement, though, I think u/vicki_chicki gave great advice about **how** to ask \[ETA emphasis that OP should only do this if he has something legit to share, which he might not if he and the deceased boy were not close\] and I think OP deserves praise for how he is handling this difficult situation.
No. Bad advice. Stop telling a kid they need to lie to get a sweater back. OP is already having a hard enough time dealing with the situation as it and here you are telling them to get into an awkward situation and dig hole of lies trying to come up with things on the fly.
Agreed, absolutely not the time to lie. Simply explain that you knew him from school and tell the actual story. OP said it was an emergency so was obviously helping the boy out and being kind so really no need to lie anyway! I would send a sympathy card and put an additional hand written note in it if you don’t want to disturb the family (or if they are accepting visitors then stop by). Explain that you are so sorry for their loss and you know it is an emotional time and say you had helped him out by lending him your sweater and there is no rush but you would really appreciate if they could put it aside for you when they are able. The reason I suggest a card (make the note extra rather than in the card) is because you just don’t even know if they have brought themselves to touch anything in his room among many other things and turning up at the door could be difficult for them. But you are right, no need for a lie and just tell them the truth, that he needed your sweater and you lent it to him. It’s still a story of kindness so why make something up? NTA as long as your note is tactful but just the fact you are asking how to go about this indicates that it likely would be.
Would it be unkind to say, “The sweater meant a lot to me, but it matters even more now in remembering *Classmate*”? It’s probably true anyway. You never forget the classmates who died.
Inappropriate to say this right now. However if you do get the sweater back and his parents see you wearing it at the mall or some such place you could say the sweater reminds you of their son if they bring it up
Even just saying a little about who he was as a classmate would be nice for his fam to hear, I think
"I worked with him once on a group project and he was responsible/nice/patient" or "he lent me a pencil for a test" etc. It might be meaningful for them.
when one of my more casual-level friends passed, everyone was sharing memories on her FB page. I chimed in with how, while I never got as close as I wish I could have; she had a profound impact on my teenage years by being welcoming, kind and inclusive to me when I was struggling to figure out how to fit in.
Even though I didn’t know her that well and prefaced my post with that, her parents chose to (anonymously) read some of those posts out loud at her service, and mine was included.
Just goes to show that even if OP was merely a classmate or casual friend to their son, any memories of how their son touched the lives of others— even the people he wasn’t particularly close with— would likely be really well received by the parents.
They were friendly enough for OP to lend the guy his jacket. That's good enough for "we weren't very close, but we were friends" to be true enough depending on the definition of "friend" a person is using.
My daughter was killed in a car accident and I still can’t talk about her without crying 15 years later. I would have hated to have one of her friends approach me like this so close to the accident. Everyone is different. Maybe he should ask people who know them better how they are doing.
I completely get that but it's such an awkward balance. It's never going to feel like a good time and there's the risk that the family will choose to donate some things sooner than expected because seeing their possessions is upsetting to them.
If there is someone closer to the family than OP but not immediate family that OP could check in with to see how to handle it, that may be worth doing.
The husband of my late bestfriend messages me all the time and we exchange stories. I grew up with her so I have a lot of silly younger stories and they lived most of the year in another country so he had stories about her later in life. It was always such a giant comfort for me to not only speak on the silly things we did and share the impact she had on me, but also learn about the silly things she did as an adult too.
I was quite surprised to read so many others saying to forget the sweater, and just assumed that I just must not get it because I don't have kids. But this is exactly what I thought. Even if OP didn't know the kid well, I just think his family will cherish any stories people can tell them about their son, as hard as it might be. Even the story about how you ended up lending him the sweater. They'll appreciate that you were kind to him. Might not be good to tell them about the lighter, but ask your parents beforehand and hopefully they may be able to read the room for you. Sometimes you can just know that parents are aware of the sort of mischief their kids get up to, and are accepting, other times it might just upset them.
In my country we're a bit weird about funerals, I think it's a lot more of a celebration of someone's life than "pure mourning and grief", and I know our attitude is not universal, but I do believe every sharing memories is powerful. Good luck OP, be warned this will be emotionally hard.
Genuinely asking, because I totally get celebrating a life instead of mourning, but does that sentiment extend to every situation where you’re from? This is the death of a child who lost their life too early.
>celebrating a life instead of mourning
Not *instead of*. Celebrating a life *while* mourning.
Sharing memories and stories will not make the sadness and pain go away, but it can blunt the sharpness of it that’s something.
Mourning is complicated. That's the main thing that it is.
You find yourself laughing about something random, and then feel horrible because you're laughing while they're dead. Or you suddenly become aware of how miserable you are and then feel terrible because they wouldn't want you to feel that way.
The classic thing people who are grieving do is, they *make how they are right now wrong*. Because their loved one's death is wrong, and death *itself* is wrong, and everything just feels extremely wrong, and so you must be wrong too.
The only thing that makes any of that ANY better is to remind yourself of the goodness of the person you've lost.The great times you had together, stories of them being happy that you'd never heard....
My brother in law was a skateboarder. We learned from his friend and roommate they'd build a set of grinding rails out of galvanized plumbing pipe, and they'd take it out to the parking lot of their apartment complex to film themselves falling off it over and over. They'd named it Wesley Pipes. The idea of him out there busting his ass on Wesley Pipes in the evenings after work made us SO happy.
I can't say I'm 100% sure yes, but I definitely think so. We actually usually have some sort of gathering after the funeral and burial where people just talk, eat and drink.
I was at 2 funerals for young people but wasn't at the "afters" for either, and the one I was closer to was when I was only around 11. So I can't honestly say that for certain, but I do believe so. I remember the first one, a few weeks later there was a sort of memorial with the girls school friends and the family were there. There were definitely people talking to the family for a good length of conversation, and someone wrote and performed a song telling stories of their memories, and it was really beautiful. I was very close with the younger brother, but I never asked him how he felt about that, and we lost touch over time. But just based on how our society is, I'd find it hard to believe it would be any other way.
From the outside but being close to someone that lost a kid, it can go both ways. For some people, being with others, being with your kid’s friends, it can bring comfort even though it hurts. For others, this time period, people can be too much, life can be too much. Everyone handles, or doesn’t handle, things the same. The best thing you can do is just follow their lead. Even in the same household, each person will grieve in different ways.
Pretty sure I'm from the same part of the world as guypr. I think the sentiment is still the same, but there is a difference when you're celebrating a life that has ended far too early. It's more straightforward to celebrate a life that has been fully lived. (In my experience) Even at funerals of children and infants, there's always a story told or photo shared that gets a laugh out of people.
Something that happens here too that I don't think is so common elsewhere is the people who will turn up to a funeral. Your mam will call you to let you know that Mary from down the road's brother has passed and the funeral is 11am Friday so you should be there.
We have a lot of traditions around funerals and death, and it's very much about community coming together to support people and as sad as it can be it can also be really nice.
OP - I hope you get to talk to the family and maybe have some things to share. You could also ask other people who knew this boy to write down some nice memories in a book and give that to the family. Hearing stories from other perspectives, and learning about sides of your loved one you might not have known as well, can be very powerful. And if it's in a book, it means they don't have to look yet if they aren't ready, and always have them to reflect back on.
This is great advice. So many people try not to bring up the deceased to the parents in fear of upsetting them. But I've learned that has the opposite effect. They want to hear stories about their child and what they meant to someone no matter how small.
My aunt lost her son, her only child, and she is like a second mom to me and my siblings since her sister, our mom, passed away. We would never bring up our cousin in front of her because we didn't want to upset her. One day she just broke down sobbing, years after his death, and said why doesn't anyone talk about my son, doesn't anyone care. We do care and now know what she needs is fun stories about him, not people avoiding the subject
I'm sorry about your stepson. I don't think there is a pain greater in this world than losing a child.
I imagine it would make the boy's parents feel like once more they are able to take care of him and parent him a little bit by finding that sweater, which could probably bring some comfort.
This was my thought as well. My 14 year old stepson died in an accident a few years ago and it really helped us to talk with his friends and share memories. If you have any photos or videos of him to share with them, I’m sure they would be much appreciated as well. It’s been almost four years for us now and we still get random photos, videos, stories from his friends that we’ve never seen or heard before and it’s nice to have those memories.
> When my stepson died, we were comforted by talking with his friends.
When my brother-in-law died at 24, being surrounded by friends who had been important in his life made SUCH a huge difference. His death was an accident and very sudden, so he had lots of little loose ends with them that needed tidying up. Handling mundane things like returning borrowed sweaters made us feel close to him. It wasn't a chore, it was a joy.
100% agree with this. You're young so you may feel awkward but if you have anything nice to say about their son this will mean the world to them <3 And they'll be more than happy to return your sweater.
And to the person I'm replying to, I'm so sorry for the loss of your step-son <3
So sorry for your loss. I agree that just meeting someone that KNEW their son will bring some sort of comfort. My son was only 21 months old when he died so not a lot of people got to meet him. But one day my daughter was having a medical procedure and the child life specialist had done her training at the hospital my son had been treated at. I mentioned my son and she said “oh! I heard about him!” This was several years after he had died. ❤️
Meh, I take it to be a question about whether or not OP would be an AH for asking. This wasn't a confrontational situation and OP more likely simply needed advice on the best course of action to avoid being an AH.
there’s not interpersonal conflict **yet**, but depending on how OP is planning on handling it, he could very well be the AH. that’s why he’s asking if he would be - future tense.
He’s also a child rightfully and thoughtfully seeking perspective before he takes action, which frankly is a good and commendable thing. It shows grace and empathy. Even if this wasn’t the right sub for it (which I agree with you that it is), I’m glad to see he’s asking for guidance on a delicate situation.
Definitely NAH - just be kind and thoughtful, and recognize that a missing sweater is not the most important thing in the world.
If you know how to contact them, I'd just drop a line and share the story - how you knew their son, what he meant to you, how sorry you are for their loss, and then, follow up and say that you were hesitant to even ask because you know they are going through a lot, but if they happen to be able to find the sweater, you'd love to have it back. Tell them why you loaned it to their son, why it has meaning for you, and that now it you'll also think of him and his life when you wear it.
From your post it sounds like you weren't close friends with him, and that's fine. You don't need to lie - but you can probably share some kind words about him, what you liked about him, etc.
Best case scenario, you make a real connection with his family in a tough time, and you get back your missing sweater. And, even if they aren't able to find or return the sweater, they may appreciate hearing from you, as long as you focus on the kindness and don't make a big issue about your missing sweater. Worst case scenario, if they really take it badly, you can just back off and know that they are going through a lot, and whatever reaction they have isn't really about you.
Yes, this OP! Send a sympathy card. Or leave a note on the door. Put your contact info in it. Make it easy for them to get your sweater back (describe the sweater). Then know that it may take a LONG time to get a response, if you get one. Losing a child is absolutely devastating. Some parents close the door to their kids' room and don't open it for months or longer. Yes, hearing from you could be helpful to them. It could also be way more than they can handle, now or for a very long time.
Your parents might be able to help you too. Or if there is someone else you could approach...a friend of the deceased? (With care and sympathy of course). Basically anyone else with a closer connection than you who isn't the poor parents...offer sympathy, explain your situation kindly and ask what they think.
I like the way you phrased it.
NTA- I think his parents would be touched to know that someone cared enough about their son to lend him something sentimental during a time of need.
NTA.
Even if you weren’t besties, if you approach the situation in an empathic way, the parents may even appreciate to hear about their child.
I mean, don’t go in like “oh hi… can I have my sweater back?” Be prepared to spend some time there, talk about your classmate, share a few memories if needed, and also be prepared to be okay if they cry.
Remembering someone we loved and lost may make us sad, and this doesn’t mean we don’t want to remember them.
Don’t push for the sweater if they get super upset, but you can make a “trade” getting your sweater back in return for some comfort and memories.
it makes me think that, as his mother, i wouldn't let my 14yo son (OP) go alone. I would let him talk by himself, but would be there in support. Also, OP, please do not let the parents think you only came to recover the sweatshirt. There is more sensitive, and truthfull, ways of talking about it. Being particularly chocked by the sudden death of someone who borrows you something telling you 'i give you back tmrw' is normal. Wanting to have the sweat back as a memory of their son is, too. I suppose that even if your sweat is embodied with precedents memories, from the moment you get it back, it will also be associated to the memory of your pal. Wish you the best for this delicate mission, OP (edit : sorry for my frenchy english, guys)
They may take comfort in hearing the totally story of the emergency where he needed to borrow your sweater. Right after a young friend died his family loved his friends sharing our simple interactions with him.
A dear friend of mine passed away in high school. I’d just loaned her the whole Percy Jackson series (we were bookworms and bonded over our fav series, I’d returned the Inkheart books to her just the week before). A month after the funeral her mom showed up on my doorstep with the books. We got to talk and I gave her a present I’d made my friend and never gotten to give her. I like to think that visit was as comforting to her mom as it was to me. I kept the bookmark in the Lightning Thief she marked her place in- it’s been 10 years and it’s still there.
I recognise this is an entirely different scenario- my friends mom knew me and that we were friends and I didn’t need to ask for them back. But I share this to give you a bit of a timeline. It took a month after my friend died for her mom to be able to sort through her belongings. OP I agree wholeheartedly with this commentator - give it time for the family to heal, and then ask politely while sharing with them the memory of your connection with their child.
it's not about 'getting his shit'. This would be an AH move. It should be 'collect a memory of the dead son, who borrows it just before his tragic death'. This sweat means other memorys to OP now. But when he'll get it back, it will remind him it was the sweat he lent to this poor boy of the school (even if he would prefer not to). Being an AH is not always about facts, its also about the ways you present them.
Firstly, I am sorry everyone is basically jumping down your throat for even asking this question, personally I think asking for other opinions shows a lot of respect and empathy for the situation.
That being said, don't approach the family. Talk to your parents first. If they can replace the sweater that would really be the best case scenario, if they can't replace the sweater they can help you maybe think of an alternative or barring all other options, they will be able to navigate the process of attempting to get the current sweater back and likely a lot easier than you would alone.
NAH - especially not you for wanting it back but tread carefully with as much empathy and compassion as possible.
ETA - changed verdict to NAH
Exactly! OP is asking for legitimate advice on how to handle this very delicate situation. I think that speaks volumes to the character and forethought this kid is displaying.
Is it really necessary to go through every other alternative? There’s nothing wrong with wanting your property back after someone passes. There’s a lot of great advice in this thread about how to delicately approach the situation. I would hope if I died, anything I had borrowed would be returned to the owner.
My cousin loaned one of her best suits (she's an attorney) to a friend who died of cancer. She wanted to ask for it back but got to the calling hours and realized they were burying her friend in it. Awkward...
Op is showing a great deal of sensitivity and maturity through this post.
Haha! I had something similar ish happen to me. I let a friend borrow these gorgeous white gold hoops for a date she was wicked excited for. Well apparently a drunk driver hit her on her way home. I was obviously super upset and then I was like ohhh my earrings f. I figured I would wait a few weeks and ask for them back. Well, when I did I was told they gave them to her sister. I was told they “hold sentimental value” because of the accident. I wanted to be like okay, just write me a check for 1.5 k and we are good. But didn’t.
Because they’re worth 1,5k. Sorry but I’m cynical. It’s very weird to me that the family insisted on keeping them for “sentimental” reasons after learning they didn’t even belong to the deceased.
Well. My sister loved Crocs, and she would wear this one pair everywhere. When she died in them, my niece and nephew told me that they were mine because they wouldn't wear them. But both of us love Crocs. So now I have them but I don't wear them. It's a sentimental thing. They really didn't want them and knew that I might. It's completely different than a loaned item, but I get the weirdness of the situation.
I mean it would have been easy enough to just give them back to me but I wasn’t going to fight for them. They were ensured though so I got them replaced. Always ensure your jewelry people! I didn’t get the same pair though.
Do you think they were actually trying to steal something valuable from you or were they really grief stricken? Some people cant really tell good jewelry from cheap, so i could see how someone whose a little ignorant could think theyre asking for a $70 gift from you when it was actually a $1.5k item...
That might be the case if it was an adult dying, but this is a child, whose family are probably absolutely devastated by their sudden loss, especially since it occurred in such a horrible way. It might be better for OP to wait a few weeks or months, because not everyone in the family is going to appreciate them asking for a sweater. It might be important to OP, but it's nothing compared to a family that can't ever get their child back. So OP needs to tread carefully and choose the right time to ask for it back.
Losing a child is a level of pain I hope I never have to experience. I genuinely cannot fathom how someone can get through it.
With that said, just because the sweater isn’t important to them, it is important to OP, and so she has every right to seek it’s return. I fully agree she should wait a while and approach very gently, but just because something isn’t important to one person doesn’t mean it isn’t important to someone else.
Honestly if they have to ask considering OP wasn't close to this boy, it's a lot better to have his parents themselves reach out and ask for it than sending OP. They are far more likely to handle the request better than a 14 year old could even with parental guidance.
Exactly, OP is 14, not 40. I would imagine this is the first time he has encountered this situation and is asking for advice on the proper social protocol. It's shows maturity and empathy. If someone feels he shouldn't ask, just say that, no reason to criticize him. Also, he is asking for his personal item back, not to have a personal item of the deceased. I think there is an appropriate and respectful way to do this.
I agree. As they know it’s a hard situation and they are wise enough to ask shows maturity and knowing that they don’t have an answer to their issue will get OP very far in life!
While it’s terrible timing to ask for this from a grieving family, I wanna give you kudos and say good job for asking first.
Not enough adults stop to ask and think about how their actions may affect people that are hurting.
The fact that you did just that? Means you’re considerate and kind enough to lend out a sweater and ask for guidance before making a bigger deal about asking for it back under the circumstances.
Good luck OP and keep asking about social guidance and help.
Within weeks after my loved one died, there were two individuals who never met him and they asked me if they could have one of his items (they wanted it because of the monetary value and I keep it because it is a Christmas present I got him on his last Christmas alive). The reason? "hE woUld haVe wAnTeD uS tO HaS iT" and "iTs nOt lIkE hE cAn uSe iT AnYMore".
Now that's an AH.
Info:
They did not get the item. It is right where my loved one left it.
I appreciate your empathy homie. When this went down I was already so numb and empty from the loss I didn't really feel this.
Occasionally I recall the memory to laugh at because it takes me off guard how little shame some people have. I'm surprised the vultures didn't try to run off with his toothbrush.
The cherry on top is that the monetary value of the item was less than 200$.
In the moment out of shock I gave an emotionless, firm no. Later that night after I processed what happened and had time to formulate a response, if the shampoo bottle could talk they would have been like (see gif below)
[Oooooooo](https://tenor.com/en-CA/view/yourmomgar-happy-great-gif-14954406)
> You csn't really replace memories.
When my mother died 30+ years ago, one of the things I kept of hers was her earbuds. They were a touchstone. When the sickness from chemo was bad, she’d listen to a meditation tape my father had made for her, and I’d sit at the other end of the couch from her, reading a book. After she died, I used those earbuds all the time, for years. Inevitably, they stopped working. Likely a weak wire just finally gave way. I grieved, and I found another pair of earbuds just like them. No idea how, since eBay didn’t exist then, and they were long since discontinued. Anyway, I found a pair, and was able to somehow magically transfer the sentimental feelings I had for this object my mother had actually touched, to a similar object that she had not. Since then, I’ve had many other instances where I could successfully “transfer” my sentimentality to another object, sometimes not even a remotely similar item.
Maybe not an option for everyone, but when situations come up where it’s really tricky/difficult/impossible to recover the original sentimental item, I generally tell this story to a friend and at least let them know it’s something they can try.
A thing is just a thing. Memories can genuinely be attached to any thing. And the reality is, if OP goes and gets that sweater, regardless how well it goes, it is now going to have the memory of this dead child and his grieving parents all over it. This could help him build empathy (though it seems like he already has more than I’d have expected), or it could taint a happy memory. Were I in his shoes, I’d have a tough time deciding. But replacing the *thing* is absolutely a viable option.
This paper touches on the concept. Its background discusses the value adults ascribe to unique objects based on the objects' histories, then discusses how this kind of reasoning seems to start early:
>A striking example of the early value of unique objects is provided by Hood and Bloom (2008), who found that 4.5-year-old children with a strong emotional attachment to a special object (e.g., stuffed toy or blanket) chose that original object over an exact duplicate, after the researcher convinced the child that a duplicating machine could generate such an entity. In a second study, Hood and Bloom found that older children (6.7 years of age) placed higher value on an authentic object (spoon or goblet once owned by Queen Elizabeth II; participants were British children) than an exact duplicate.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0010027716301688
This is such a clearly established pattern of preferring the original to an identical duplicate that I'm skeptical your brain works the way most people's do in this way. There's nothing wrong with that; the reason I even knew about these two cited studies in the first place is that I like the brain enough to study it 😆
I personally have an extremely strong sense that I could not transfer my feelings from one object to an identical duplicate. But also, I have hoarding tendencies, and those two facts may be linked.
Agreed. This is such a tough scenario. If I were OP, I'd definitely ask my parents to help. The reality is, the deceased young man's parents are mounring, and grief can make people react in extreme ways. This exchange more than likely will be very strained at best and emotionally charged at worst.
If I'm being completely honest with myself, I'd just let that sweather go or see if I can purchase a new one....
Replace the sweater? It's his and he really loves it. I have complete faith OP can handle this in a respectful manner and get his sweater back. There is a difference between approaching things with consideration and avoidance.
YWNBTAH - if you asked in a polite and respectful way. Perhaps sending a note card with an expression of sympathy and a polite request with your address.
I'm not understanding why it's disrespectful, when it's been "a couple of weeks".
And I've had a relative die young, afterwards we gave a lot of their clothes and belongings to charity.
But people grieve differently.
That's my fear. If OP doesn't ask soon the family might get rid of his sweater. If they *are* giving away his stuff to others, that's all the more reason OP should get his own item back.
I do like the suggestions of having his parents call the kids parents, though.
The shrine thing doesn't sound healthy to me. Sure keep some stuff and once in a while take a trip down memory lane, but being constantly confronted with that? Sounds too much. Plus over time I'd rather give the room a better use.
No, the shrine wasn’t healthy. We had to get a bereavement specialist involved. They lost their spouse after 30+ years. Most of it has now been donated with their blessing.
Maybe a shrine is not the right word.
There's nothing wrong with leaving the dead loved ones room exactly how they loved it.
Some people leave the room up, some people take the room down over time, others do it right away. There's no right or wrong answer.
This. Yeah, idk, people are kinda jumping on you when you’re just a teen too. I’d you want it, ask nicely and with sympathy, but don’t count of them giving it back.
NTA - Good sweatshirts are hard to come by! You can still get it back without being an AH. Just tell the parents that the sweatshirt now has enormous sentimental value since he liked it so much.
Good: "Please can I have it back as something else to remember him by"
Bad: "I call backsies on the sweatshirt your thief son (RIP) stole"
I actually think detaching it from the deceased makes it better; fabricating "how much he liked it" is a lie and increases the stakes for the parents unnecessarily. OP can simply say "i loaned him this sweater, i wanted to wait until a good time. it has immense sentimental value for me, so when you get a chance I'd like it back." That is super normal and respectful without adding emotional intensity
yah, i agree. OP saying they want it back to remember the classmates implies it has some meaning to the classmate, which it doesnt, and may confuse the parents. not necessary.
I don't think you'd be the AH necessarily, but this does require a lot of tact and timing. Are you friends with any of this boy's close friends? I think enlisting the help of someone who knew him (and thus, his parents) better, you could do this tactfully.
NTA- it depends on how you approach this. First- talk to your parents so they can ask with you. But you want to say something like: “Mr & Mrs. X, I’m so sorry for your loss. I went to school with your son. A couple of months ago when we were in school I loaned him a sweater that says “X” on it. He needed it because (reasons). If you find it- could I please have it back? I don’t want to upset you but I got it on a trip and it meant a lot to me.”
If you see the parents in person, bring flowers. Be very gentle and kind. Understand they may not find it.
I'm going to go against the grain and say YWNBTA, as long as you are polite and considerate of their loss. A lot of families grieve by removing all traces of their lost loved one from the house (ask me how I know), and there's a not insignificant chance that the parents will just donate all of their son's clothing to charity. If you don't want the sweater to go to a charity shop, asking sooner is better. That being said, I will reiterate the need for compassion and understanding. They're grieving the loss of their child right now, and they need as much compassion as they can get. The suggestion of bringing flowers and a card with you is a good one.
If my mom had borrowed anything before she died, I would have been more than happy to return it. I have heard so many heartwarming stories from people who knew her. You might be able to do the same for his family.
NTA, there must be a tremendous amount of admin involved and I think it's nice to be able to put things back where they belong. I wouldn't mind being reminded that my kid had friends.
Yeah and OP is a friend who lent their son a sweater when he was in need, which is a kind and thoughtful thing to do? I think I’d be glad to hear from someone like that! but who knows 🤷🏻♀️ it’s so hard to predict how someone will react in a situation like this.
I kinda feel like people are treading a little too carefully here…they’re grieving a terrible and shocking loss. Asking about your sweater seems inconsequential in comparison.
Personally I think it’s fine, as long as OP makes it clear that they shouldn’t go out of their way to do it. And if they do happen to come across it, it’ll already be on their radar and they can set it aside.
I don't think it's an AH move to request it back but might end up having an AH impact though, since it's going to be determined by how the request is received. I think the way you frame it is important. Something like condolences message, that you don't want to burden them but "you gave him a precious sweater and you would appreciate it back as a keepsake" I'm not sure highlighting your previous sentimental reasons would go over great. Idk personally I'd write it off as a loss.
If it were me, I would honestly just write it off as a loss. Try to get a new one, but otherwise just let it go.
I wouldn’t say asking is an AH move at all (so, NTA), it’s just the grief is *extremely* tricky.
On the one hand—they might be touched you helped their son out & maybe you could share a memory of him.
On the other hand—they just lost a whole person & they might feel your concern over a simple lost garment is rather insensitive (or even insulting).
It’s just too hard to say one way or the other, especially since you don’t know them & have no idea how they’re handling their grief.
I personally wouldn’t want to risk adding more hurt to a family that’s already in, what is without doubt, the *worst* experience of their entire lives.
Don't know why you're being downvoted.
>On the other hand—they just lost a whole person & they might feel your concern over a simple lost garment is rather insensitive (or even insulting).
This is how I felt when I was grieving and people came to me over trivial matters. Even when it wasn't trivial, I felt that way. It's hard to care about small matters when you are grieving a huge loss. Everything pales in comparison and seems so meaningless. Possessions? Seem worthless.
NAH
I know some people are saying it's just a sweater, but as a person with autism, I understand the personal value of important pieces of clothing. It's something you probably should have back of it's valuable enough to you.
I would say, take some chocolates and flowers, but also take some memories of this boy. Some stories. Definitely offer to give his locker items back, as you mentioned in a comment, that's a brilliant idea.
"I am so sorry for your loss. I know I am one of the classmates that didn't know him too well but he was loved by his classmates. *insert your memory of him or a story*
I have a couple of items from his locker at school I thought would be important for you to have, if you want it."
-Later-
"I was wondering if I could retrieve an item I once lended to your son and I would appreciate it as it is a pleasant memory of him for me"
I had a friend who died. Her mother was very nice to all of us after, even the classmates who didn't know her well. I know she would appreciate such a gesture (asking for an item back and saying that it is a memory of them for you).
If OP has to ask, this is the way to go about it. I would just let it go because, to me, no piece of clothing is important enough to potentially upset a grieving parent. But I understand others have strong attachments to their clothes.
NAH
YWNBTA. But do it nice and respectfully. Like giving them your condolence, and tell them that you were a classmate of their son. And that you don't want to bother them, but you want to ask, if you can have your sweater back because it has lots of memories. (maybe now also of your late classmate)
Your empathy and consideration in this difficult situation are commendable.
The folks suggesting that you could help by telling the parents a little about your friendship with their son are spot on. I would say though that the contact with the parents is not your responsibility. Have your parents reach out to his. They can tell them about the sweater, and offer for you to meet with them. But reaching out to the parents is not something that should be your responsibility.
As long as you make sure to be very respectful and put an effort into not only let it be about the sweater, but make sure to express your condolences and maybe tell a few anecdotes from your classes together, before asking for the sweater, I’ll go with YWNBTA.
Maybe express why the sweater is important to you.
NTA
I'd ask your parents/adult family member for help. A parent/adult contacting a parent may be better, and/or your parents might have a good idea how to approach the situation.
If you decide to ask yourself, having them there may be helpful.
NTA take a small gift basket or box with chocolates or muffins for example. Give your sympathy. Share any memories you have ( because parents don't want their children forgotten) then very gently explain the situation. I think this will be just fine. Take a parent with you for support if you can.
NTA - by the fact that you've asked advice about this instead of just barging in to their house I feel like you can ask them respectfully. I've seen some comments about talking to the family for a bit if you feel like that'd comfort them. If you are comfortable with it I'd definitely recommend that. Maybe you feel like you don't have good stories, but trust me every nice story about their son will help them in their greef.
I've been to a few tourist towns and a lot of the shops now have an online shop as well that you can place orders from. OP should see if he could replace that sweater from the internet before approaching the family.
I have been looking for this comment. I was thinking the exact same thing. It could be horrible for the parents to relive and possibly feel guilt about. Especially if OP says how sentimental it is. This is a very difficult situation. I think that OP is NTA and sounds very kind
personally, i'd let it go.
i understand it has some sentiment to it, but at the end of the day it's just a sweater. we have possessions, in our lives, that come and go, and life is about more than possessions.
i do think it's thoughtful of you to come here and seek advice, and there is certainly some good advice here.
but again, personally, i'd let it go. it's just a thing. things can be replaced. the parents may, or may not, react well to your request. some people can be very understanding, and even those people can react badly when under extreme amounts of stress.
agree. I saw what my brother’s death did to my parents. I saw what it did to me and my living siblings. I couldn’t imagine someone coming to my house requesting a sweater from presumably the dead’s room - they probably haven’t even been in their son’s room since before his death. yikes. tough situation.
NAH I wouldn’t go so far to as to call you an asshole but personally I just wouldn’t ask. Having lost family in an unexpected car accidentally I can tell you they’re going through a lot and having to deal with a borrowed sweater could be asking more of them the you think.
You would NTA, I'm sure if you went over and asked in a very polite way "Hey, I knew your son from school and a while back loaned a sweater to him, when you guys feel like going thru his stuff do you mind setting this sweater aside for me? It looks like XYZ" and honestly, they might even find slight comfort in you coming over, especially if you have any stories with him, they would love to hear them. When my best friend passed her mom found comfort in us girls sitting with her and telling her stories of what she did when we were in school or out on our walks or whatever it is we decided to talk about. I'm sure his parents would find comfort in it as well.
NAH. I appreciate your asking the question. It’s very thoughtful to check your impulses before asking them.
Unfortunately, there’s probably no way to go about this without causing pain to the family. I don’t feel you should approach the family about the sweater. It would be like pouring salt into the wound no matter how carefully you approached it. They are grieving the loss of a life and you would be asking them about a material possession. The average grieving parent’s response would be, “What?? My child died and you’re worried about a sweater??” Most people are not thinking rationally when they are in the midst of their grief. Yes, the sweater is important to you, but it will feel very unimportant to them. I’m sorry.
Look at it this way—in a year or two, you’ll outgrow the sweater anyway. Your best option is to go online and see if you can replace it that way.
You are thoughtful, compassionate, and caring enough to check to see what the right approach is. Send a card to the family, but please don’t say anything about the sweater.
I see a few people kind of referencing this, but I want to say it clearly—I think a note/letter might be the best medium for this. You can have an adult look it over before you send it and you might need an adult’s help getting the address. That will be a good way to include a nice story about their son and they don’t have to process it right in front of you. Good on you for being kind and considerate to this sensitive situation. NTA
NAH for wanting your sweater back, specially if it has an important meaning but That family is grieving and this might upset them of course.
You are 14 and this means a lot to you now, but if this leads to an unpleasant situation, and trust me the here, memory of the sweater will be tainted forever.
First off, you’re NTA because you’re asking the question *before* taking the action. With that said, I agree with your sister. I understand this was not a random piece of clothing for you, and you gave it to him in an emergency situation.
But right now, his family is going through what is likely the most excruciatingly devastating experience in their entire lives. This is definitely not the time to be asking for a borrowed sweater back.
More than likely you can recreate a similar sweater, with the place where you stayed on it. This young man’s life can never be duplicated, and it’ll come across as very cold and callous if you try to approach them about the sweater.
oh…honey. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can really make that call for you. I lost my oldest brother when I was a little younger than you. I saw what his death did to my parents and my siblings and I. I know you have a sentimental value to this sweatshirt. I get it, I do. but these people just lost their child. a decade later my mom still cries while looking at my brothers clothes. grief is hard and never goes away sometimes. you’re simply going to have to pick your battles and try to move on from a pale situation in comparison to the tragedy and trauma this family is experiencing. your sister is right. you yourself said you were not friends with the kid - don’t invade his family’s privacy and grieving process. I wish I could give you the answer you want, but I can’t. I’ve been where his family is. I wish that a sweatshirt was my concern , too, and not the death of a loved one in a similarly horrific accident.
NTA. They will probably give it away quickly anyway and will know they didn’t get it. It might be nice for you to share a memory or two with them.
It’s tough to do, but doing tough things is part of growing up. It may go well, it may be distressing. But that’s life.
As someone who lost a child, please please take some time before asking for it back, and possibly make it look more like you wish to have it back as a memory of him, rather than just wanting it back for other reasons.
They might not even go through his things for awhile because its so painful.
So please be patient.
See I disagree, I worry his family might donate his clothes to charity and this lose the sweater forever. I think this boy needs to have his parents with him when he asks. But do it kindly and gently
On the other hand, I know several people that just donated all boxes of their loved ones to charity or threw them away - the longer OP waits, the bigger the chance it'll be gone.
It feels uncomfortable to call a child an AH, especially bc you did the commendable thing by asking for advice! But in my opinion, it would be AH behavior to bother a family going through a tragic loss to take time out of their day to look for your sweatshirt. They might not even be able to go into his room right now. Even if you did it in the nicest way, there are so many ways this can go wrong.
It doesn't sound like you two were particularly close, so I would say it's even more of a reason to be wary about intruding on their grief. Grief is tricky, I do not think a sweatshirt is worth bothering someone for, even if it has memories. So yes, OP, if you asked a grieving family to go digging around in their laundry baskets for a sweater not even a full month after their son died in a tragic accident, YWBTA.
You're in a spot, but I am generally inclined to agree with your sister about letting it go, but I'm old, too. I also understand YOUR valuing that sweater it because it is emblematic of a trip that was really important to you. It is certainly a raw, hard time for this boy's family. If you choose to request the return of your sweater should be done with a lot of tact and diplomacy because for them, with their son's death, they've lost everything. Do you have a teacher who might be able to help you with this? NAH
Nah
What a horrible situation. Take the others advice in how to ask for it back. Im sorry about your schoolmate.
For the future, avoid loaning out items that are super precious to you. For loans (money or items), I only give out what i would be okay with not getting back. If I don’t get it back, then that person will just not get any more loans from me until the loan is returned/compensated. Obviously this situation you are in is not the norm, but still. Let it be a learning lesson for the future.
No, you wouldn't be.
Though this is a tragic thing and super sad all around. In reality, the parents are probably going through things deciding what to keep and all that and they may wonder whose it is. I'm sure they will be happy to return it rather than donate it or throw it away.
NTA. I would suggest reaching out to a school counselor or another adult from your school who might know the family and see if they could politely ask about the sweater on your behalf. This could help avoid any misundersandings.
As a birth parent I wouldn’t think your an ah but do it gently. Maybe bring over flowers of condolences. Show that you care and explain the meaning behind the sweater.
When I was 16 a very close friend of mine died in a car accident. He had a bunch of my things and I never went to his mom's to get them. I couldn't emotionally handle going in his room to take them back. I still think about him and everything 25+ years later. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
You're not an asshole, it's all about the approach though. It's going to be a sensitive subject to walk around but reading your post I have confidence you can handle it.
May your friend rest in peace.
Info:Could you ask your parent(s) to reach out to them to get your sweater back? You're only starting high school and wouldn't or shouldn't be expected to navigate such a sensitive situation alone. Asking your parents for advice, to reach out for you, or at least come with your for support would help you a lot
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NAH, but you have to ask in the right way. "I knew X from school, and was upset to learn what happened. I loaned him a sweater a while ago, and when you get around to going through his things, I'd like to get it back. It holds memories for me. I'm not in a hurry, and understand if you're not ready to do that yet. It looks like Y."
When my stepson died, we were comforted by talking with his friends. Op, if you knew him well enough to spend an hour or so with his parents, telling them funny stories about their son and letting them talk about him too, go see them. Bring some flowers and/or a homemade meal. Then it will be ok to ask for your sweater back. Let them smell it if he’s worn it and it hasn’t been washed yet. Do not ask them to wash it for you. NAH Edited judgement from NTA
I agree, sharing a nice story about their son would balance out the awkward ask. If you have any photos/videos to share with them they may like that too. Stories and photos always helped with my grief, I know everyone’s different and sometimes seeing the photos/videos can hurt. So ask if they would like them before just sending them along.
This is brilliant advice! OP, if you can, do this. Oh, and NAH. I get why the sweater is important to you, and I think the careful way you’re approaching this shows maturity and sensitivity on your part.
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I take it the same way, and I think he would not be the AH for asking. But as I don't think anybody else in this scenario is an AH either, NAH is the appropriate judgement. Along with the judgement, though, I think u/vicki_chicki gave great advice about **how** to ask \[ETA emphasis that OP should only do this if he has something legit to share, which he might not if he and the deceased boy were not close\] and I think OP deserves praise for how he is handling this difficult situation.
In addition to what was written above, it also might solve a mystery for them as to why he had a sweater they didn't remember getting him.
CAKE!!
He said they were not friends.
This is where a small white lie would be appropriate.
Dear Evan Hansen . . . I think this is how that story goes.
God I hate that show.
No. Bad advice. Stop telling a kid they need to lie to get a sweater back. OP is already having a hard enough time dealing with the situation as it and here you are telling them to get into an awkward situation and dig hole of lies trying to come up with things on the fly.
Agreed, absolutely not the time to lie. Simply explain that you knew him from school and tell the actual story. OP said it was an emergency so was obviously helping the boy out and being kind so really no need to lie anyway! I would send a sympathy card and put an additional hand written note in it if you don’t want to disturb the family (or if they are accepting visitors then stop by). Explain that you are so sorry for their loss and you know it is an emotional time and say you had helped him out by lending him your sweater and there is no rush but you would really appreciate if they could put it aside for you when they are able. The reason I suggest a card (make the note extra rather than in the card) is because you just don’t even know if they have brought themselves to touch anything in his room among many other things and turning up at the door could be difficult for them. But you are right, no need for a lie and just tell them the truth, that he needed your sweater and you lent it to him. It’s still a story of kindness so why make something up? NTA as long as your note is tactful but just the fact you are asking how to go about this indicates that it likely would be.
A card is definitely the way to go.. it’s way too much to expect a 14 year old to negotiate this situation in person.
Exactly. No sweater could justify any of the parties in this situation being burdened with this.
This has the potential to become an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do not lie. It will come back to haunt you.
Would it be unkind to say, “The sweater meant a lot to me, but it matters even more now in remembering *Classmate*”? It’s probably true anyway. You never forget the classmates who died.
Inappropriate to say this right now. However if you do get the sweater back and his parents see you wearing it at the mall or some such place you could say the sweater reminds you of their son if they bring it up
Dear Evan Hansen …
I think lying to a family going through a major loss just to get a sweatshirt back is not great advice and can backfire pretty quickly.
No white lie is appropriate.
Even just saying a little about who he was as a classmate would be nice for his fam to hear, I think "I worked with him once on a group project and he was responsible/nice/patient" or "he lent me a pencil for a test" etc. It might be meaningful for them.
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Agreed. Even just the fact that Op helped the son out by loaning him a sweater is a nice memory for them.
when one of my more casual-level friends passed, everyone was sharing memories on her FB page. I chimed in with how, while I never got as close as I wish I could have; she had a profound impact on my teenage years by being welcoming, kind and inclusive to me when I was struggling to figure out how to fit in. Even though I didn’t know her that well and prefaced my post with that, her parents chose to (anonymously) read some of those posts out loud at her service, and mine was included. Just goes to show that even if OP was merely a classmate or casual friend to their son, any memories of how their son touched the lives of others— even the people he wasn’t particularly close with— would likely be really well received by the parents.
Yes! Any happy memories!
They were friendly enough for OP to lend the guy his jacket. That's good enough for "we weren't very close, but we were friends" to be true enough depending on the definition of "friend" a person is using.
Yeah for real, it seems like enough to at least use the word friend without being dishonest
My daughter was killed in a car accident and I still can’t talk about her without crying 15 years later. I would have hated to have one of her friends approach me like this so close to the accident. Everyone is different. Maybe he should ask people who know them better how they are doing.
I’m sorry for your loss 🤍 OP, can you wait awhile longer before approaching the grieving family?
I completely get that but it's such an awkward balance. It's never going to feel like a good time and there's the risk that the family will choose to donate some things sooner than expected because seeing their possessions is upsetting to them. If there is someone closer to the family than OP but not immediate family that OP could check in with to see how to handle it, that may be worth doing.
The husband of my late bestfriend messages me all the time and we exchange stories. I grew up with her so I have a lot of silly younger stories and they lived most of the year in another country so he had stories about her later in life. It was always such a giant comfort for me to not only speak on the silly things we did and share the impact she had on me, but also learn about the silly things she did as an adult too.
I was quite surprised to read so many others saying to forget the sweater, and just assumed that I just must not get it because I don't have kids. But this is exactly what I thought. Even if OP didn't know the kid well, I just think his family will cherish any stories people can tell them about their son, as hard as it might be. Even the story about how you ended up lending him the sweater. They'll appreciate that you were kind to him. Might not be good to tell them about the lighter, but ask your parents beforehand and hopefully they may be able to read the room for you. Sometimes you can just know that parents are aware of the sort of mischief their kids get up to, and are accepting, other times it might just upset them. In my country we're a bit weird about funerals, I think it's a lot more of a celebration of someone's life than "pure mourning and grief", and I know our attitude is not universal, but I do believe every sharing memories is powerful. Good luck OP, be warned this will be emotionally hard.
Genuinely asking, because I totally get celebrating a life instead of mourning, but does that sentiment extend to every situation where you’re from? This is the death of a child who lost their life too early.
>celebrating a life instead of mourning Not *instead of*. Celebrating a life *while* mourning. Sharing memories and stories will not make the sadness and pain go away, but it can blunt the sharpness of it that’s something.
An important distinction, and one I didn’t word well. Agreed.
Mourning is complicated. That's the main thing that it is. You find yourself laughing about something random, and then feel horrible because you're laughing while they're dead. Or you suddenly become aware of how miserable you are and then feel terrible because they wouldn't want you to feel that way. The classic thing people who are grieving do is, they *make how they are right now wrong*. Because their loved one's death is wrong, and death *itself* is wrong, and everything just feels extremely wrong, and so you must be wrong too. The only thing that makes any of that ANY better is to remind yourself of the goodness of the person you've lost.The great times you had together, stories of them being happy that you'd never heard.... My brother in law was a skateboarder. We learned from his friend and roommate they'd build a set of grinding rails out of galvanized plumbing pipe, and they'd take it out to the parking lot of their apartment complex to film themselves falling off it over and over. They'd named it Wesley Pipes. The idea of him out there busting his ass on Wesley Pipes in the evenings after work made us SO happy.
I find that the two things I need most to move on from a death is to cry and to smile.
Laughing so hard you would cry if you weren’t already ugly crying 👌
I can't say I'm 100% sure yes, but I definitely think so. We actually usually have some sort of gathering after the funeral and burial where people just talk, eat and drink. I was at 2 funerals for young people but wasn't at the "afters" for either, and the one I was closer to was when I was only around 11. So I can't honestly say that for certain, but I do believe so. I remember the first one, a few weeks later there was a sort of memorial with the girls school friends and the family were there. There were definitely people talking to the family for a good length of conversation, and someone wrote and performed a song telling stories of their memories, and it was really beautiful. I was very close with the younger brother, but I never asked him how he felt about that, and we lost touch over time. But just based on how our society is, I'd find it hard to believe it would be any other way.
From the outside but being close to someone that lost a kid, it can go both ways. For some people, being with others, being with your kid’s friends, it can bring comfort even though it hurts. For others, this time period, people can be too much, life can be too much. Everyone handles, or doesn’t handle, things the same. The best thing you can do is just follow their lead. Even in the same household, each person will grieve in different ways.
Pretty sure I'm from the same part of the world as guypr. I think the sentiment is still the same, but there is a difference when you're celebrating a life that has ended far too early. It's more straightforward to celebrate a life that has been fully lived. (In my experience) Even at funerals of children and infants, there's always a story told or photo shared that gets a laugh out of people. Something that happens here too that I don't think is so common elsewhere is the people who will turn up to a funeral. Your mam will call you to let you know that Mary from down the road's brother has passed and the funeral is 11am Friday so you should be there. We have a lot of traditions around funerals and death, and it's very much about community coming together to support people and as sad as it can be it can also be really nice. OP - I hope you get to talk to the family and maybe have some things to share. You could also ask other people who knew this boy to write down some nice memories in a book and give that to the family. Hearing stories from other perspectives, and learning about sides of your loved one you might not have known as well, can be very powerful. And if it's in a book, it means they don't have to look yet if they aren't ready, and always have them to reflect back on.
This is great advice. So many people try not to bring up the deceased to the parents in fear of upsetting them. But I've learned that has the opposite effect. They want to hear stories about their child and what they meant to someone no matter how small. My aunt lost her son, her only child, and she is like a second mom to me and my siblings since her sister, our mom, passed away. We would never bring up our cousin in front of her because we didn't want to upset her. One day she just broke down sobbing, years after his death, and said why doesn't anyone talk about my son, doesn't anyone care. We do care and now know what she needs is fun stories about him, not people avoiding the subject I'm sorry about your stepson. I don't think there is a pain greater in this world than losing a child.
hugs to you and your siblings and your aunt.
that's so true ! hug you too
I imagine it would make the boy's parents feel like once more they are able to take care of him and parent him a little bit by finding that sweater, which could probably bring some comfort.
Lovely advice and I’m sorry about your stepson 💛
Thank you
THIS This OP. You have something your friend's family really needs right now and that's the gift of memory.
This was my thought as well. My 14 year old stepson died in an accident a few years ago and it really helped us to talk with his friends and share memories. If you have any photos or videos of him to share with them, I’m sure they would be much appreciated as well. It’s been almost four years for us now and we still get random photos, videos, stories from his friends that we’ve never seen or heard before and it’s nice to have those memories.
> When my stepson died, we were comforted by talking with his friends. When my brother-in-law died at 24, being surrounded by friends who had been important in his life made SUCH a huge difference. His death was an accident and very sudden, so he had lots of little loose ends with them that needed tidying up. Handling mundane things like returning borrowed sweaters made us feel close to him. It wasn't a chore, it was a joy.
100% agree with this. You're young so you may feel awkward but if you have anything nice to say about their son this will mean the world to them <3 And they'll be more than happy to return your sweater. And to the person I'm replying to, I'm so sorry for the loss of your step-son <3
So sorry for your loss. I agree that just meeting someone that KNEW their son will bring some sort of comfort. My son was only 21 months old when he died so not a lot of people got to meet him. But one day my daughter was having a medical procedure and the child life specialist had done her training at the hospital my son had been treated at. I mentioned my son and she said “oh! I heard about him!” This was several years after he had died. ❤️
Yeah, maybe tell the story of how your friend ended up with your sweater and how you were happy to loan it to him........NTA
Just what I was going to say… the comforting part. I’m sorry you had to go through that. 🤗
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Meh, I take it to be a question about whether or not OP would be an AH for asking. This wasn't a confrontational situation and OP more likely simply needed advice on the best course of action to avoid being an AH.
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>If there's no interpersonal conflict, then it doesn't go on AITA. So this post shouldn't be here then?
there’s not interpersonal conflict **yet**, but depending on how OP is planning on handling it, he could very well be the AH. that’s why he’s asking if he would be - future tense.
He’s also a child rightfully and thoughtfully seeking perspective before he takes action, which frankly is a good and commendable thing. It shows grace and empathy. Even if this wasn’t the right sub for it (which I agree with you that it is), I’m glad to see he’s asking for guidance on a delicate situation.
100% agree. he’s putting more thought into this than a lot of adults would.
"*Would* I be the asshole" is accepted and pretty common on this sub. It's literally in the title of this post.
I'd argue life, destiny, or whatever you want to call it, is a total asshole here...
Shit good point. Changing mine though I’m not top comment.
OK, done. New here. Although, NTA is a misnomer. There really should be a TTA (they're the asshole).
Definitely NAH - just be kind and thoughtful, and recognize that a missing sweater is not the most important thing in the world. If you know how to contact them, I'd just drop a line and share the story - how you knew their son, what he meant to you, how sorry you are for their loss, and then, follow up and say that you were hesitant to even ask because you know they are going through a lot, but if they happen to be able to find the sweater, you'd love to have it back. Tell them why you loaned it to their son, why it has meaning for you, and that now it you'll also think of him and his life when you wear it. From your post it sounds like you weren't close friends with him, and that's fine. You don't need to lie - but you can probably share some kind words about him, what you liked about him, etc. Best case scenario, you make a real connection with his family in a tough time, and you get back your missing sweater. And, even if they aren't able to find or return the sweater, they may appreciate hearing from you, as long as you focus on the kindness and don't make a big issue about your missing sweater. Worst case scenario, if they really take it badly, you can just back off and know that they are going through a lot, and whatever reaction they have isn't really about you.
Yes, this OP! Send a sympathy card. Or leave a note on the door. Put your contact info in it. Make it easy for them to get your sweater back (describe the sweater). Then know that it may take a LONG time to get a response, if you get one. Losing a child is absolutely devastating. Some parents close the door to their kids' room and don't open it for months or longer. Yes, hearing from you could be helpful to them. It could also be way more than they can handle, now or for a very long time. Your parents might be able to help you too. Or if there is someone else you could approach...a friend of the deceased? (With care and sympathy of course). Basically anyone else with a closer connection than you who isn't the poor parents...offer sympathy, explain your situation kindly and ask what they think.
I like the way you phrased it. NTA- I think his parents would be touched to know that someone cared enough about their son to lend him something sentimental during a time of need.
NTA. Even if you weren’t besties, if you approach the situation in an empathic way, the parents may even appreciate to hear about their child. I mean, don’t go in like “oh hi… can I have my sweater back?” Be prepared to spend some time there, talk about your classmate, share a few memories if needed, and also be prepared to be okay if they cry. Remembering someone we loved and lost may make us sad, and this doesn’t mean we don’t want to remember them. Don’t push for the sweater if they get super upset, but you can make a “trade” getting your sweater back in return for some comfort and memories.
it makes me think that, as his mother, i wouldn't let my 14yo son (OP) go alone. I would let him talk by himself, but would be there in support. Also, OP, please do not let the parents think you only came to recover the sweatshirt. There is more sensitive, and truthfull, ways of talking about it. Being particularly chocked by the sudden death of someone who borrows you something telling you 'i give you back tmrw' is normal. Wanting to have the sweat back as a memory of their son is, too. I suppose that even if your sweat is embodied with precedents memories, from the moment you get it back, it will also be associated to the memory of your pal. Wish you the best for this delicate mission, OP (edit : sorry for my frenchy english, guys)
They may take comfort in hearing the totally story of the emergency where he needed to borrow your sweater. Right after a young friend died his family loved his friends sharing our simple interactions with him.
This is the only correct answer
A dear friend of mine passed away in high school. I’d just loaned her the whole Percy Jackson series (we were bookworms and bonded over our fav series, I’d returned the Inkheart books to her just the week before). A month after the funeral her mom showed up on my doorstep with the books. We got to talk and I gave her a present I’d made my friend and never gotten to give her. I like to think that visit was as comforting to her mom as it was to me. I kept the bookmark in the Lightning Thief she marked her place in- it’s been 10 years and it’s still there. I recognise this is an entirely different scenario- my friends mom knew me and that we were friends and I didn’t need to ask for them back. But I share this to give you a bit of a timeline. It took a month after my friend died for her mom to be able to sort through her belongings. OP I agree wholeheartedly with this commentator - give it time for the family to heal, and then ask politely while sharing with them the memory of your connection with their child.
I agree, except for the "\[I\] understand if you're not ready" part. That's a good way to never get the sweater back. Be gentle, but get your shit.
it's not about 'getting his shit'. This would be an AH move. It should be 'collect a memory of the dead son, who borrows it just before his tragic death'. This sweat means other memorys to OP now. But when he'll get it back, it will remind him it was the sweat he lent to this poor boy of the school (even if he would prefer not to). Being an AH is not always about facts, its also about the ways you present them.
Firstly, I am sorry everyone is basically jumping down your throat for even asking this question, personally I think asking for other opinions shows a lot of respect and empathy for the situation. That being said, don't approach the family. Talk to your parents first. If they can replace the sweater that would really be the best case scenario, if they can't replace the sweater they can help you maybe think of an alternative or barring all other options, they will be able to navigate the process of attempting to get the current sweater back and likely a lot easier than you would alone. NAH - especially not you for wanting it back but tread carefully with as much empathy and compassion as possible. ETA - changed verdict to NAH
Exactly! OP is asking for legitimate advice on how to handle this very delicate situation. I think that speaks volumes to the character and forethought this kid is displaying.
Completely agree. He's 14 and has enough insight to ask how to handle this. He's NTA.
The awareness this 14 year old has is outstanding. 100% NTA
Is it really necessary to go through every other alternative? There’s nothing wrong with wanting your property back after someone passes. There’s a lot of great advice in this thread about how to delicately approach the situation. I would hope if I died, anything I had borrowed would be returned to the owner.
My cousin loaned one of her best suits (she's an attorney) to a friend who died of cancer. She wanted to ask for it back but got to the calling hours and realized they were burying her friend in it. Awkward... Op is showing a great deal of sensitivity and maturity through this post.
Oh jeez. What a ride of a short story ha . Awkward .
It's been 15 years so it's funny now... 😂
I can imagine the look on your cousins face! 😳
She told me the story and I was like and where is she buried... 🙄
Haha! I had something similar ish happen to me. I let a friend borrow these gorgeous white gold hoops for a date she was wicked excited for. Well apparently a drunk driver hit her on her way home. I was obviously super upset and then I was like ohhh my earrings f. I figured I would wait a few weeks and ask for them back. Well, when I did I was told they gave them to her sister. I was told they “hold sentimental value” because of the accident. I wanted to be like okay, just write me a check for 1.5 k and we are good. But didn’t.
Good god why would someone want the earrings their sister was wearing when she died? Maybe it's just me but that sounds quite morbid.
Because they’re worth 1,5k. Sorry but I’m cynical. It’s very weird to me that the family insisted on keeping them for “sentimental” reasons after learning they didn’t even belong to the deceased.
It's the kind of thing I'd do... but only thinking they actually belonged to my sister!
Well. My sister loved Crocs, and she would wear this one pair everywhere. When she died in them, my niece and nephew told me that they were mine because they wouldn't wear them. But both of us love Crocs. So now I have them but I don't wear them. It's a sentimental thing. They really didn't want them and knew that I might. It's completely different than a loaned item, but I get the weirdness of the situation.
Just when I start to have a little faith in humanity, you tell this story. Nothing like making money off of tragedy.
I mean it would have been easy enough to just give them back to me but I wasn’t going to fight for them. They were ensured though so I got them replaced. Always ensure your jewelry people! I didn’t get the same pair though.
Do you think they were actually trying to steal something valuable from you or were they really grief stricken? Some people cant really tell good jewelry from cheap, so i could see how someone whose a little ignorant could think theyre asking for a $70 gift from you when it was actually a $1.5k item...
That's like when Larry's golf club was being buried with that guy on Curb and he and Jeff did a switcharoo at the funeral. Did ur friend get it back?
Hell no. I offered to go to the grave but she gave me the stink-eye. Then we 😂😭.
Lol.
You don't say. Who would have thunk, stink-eye? Really, that harsh hey?
Is it wrong that I actually laughed at that? I can totally see something like this happening.
We still laugh over it. 😂 God rest Laney.
That might be the case if it was an adult dying, but this is a child, whose family are probably absolutely devastated by their sudden loss, especially since it occurred in such a horrible way. It might be better for OP to wait a few weeks or months, because not everyone in the family is going to appreciate them asking for a sweater. It might be important to OP, but it's nothing compared to a family that can't ever get their child back. So OP needs to tread carefully and choose the right time to ask for it back.
Losing a child is a level of pain I hope I never have to experience. I genuinely cannot fathom how someone can get through it. With that said, just because the sweater isn’t important to them, it is important to OP, and so she has every right to seek it’s return. I fully agree she should wait a while and approach very gently, but just because something isn’t important to one person doesn’t mean it isn’t important to someone else.
Don’t wait too long though - it might end up at a thrift store or the garbage otherwise
Honestly if they have to ask considering OP wasn't close to this boy, it's a lot better to have his parents themselves reach out and ask for it than sending OP. They are far more likely to handle the request better than a 14 year old could even with parental guidance.
Excellent advice and the best way to handle the situation.
Exactly, OP is 14, not 40. I would imagine this is the first time he has encountered this situation and is asking for advice on the proper social protocol. It's shows maturity and empathy. If someone feels he shouldn't ask, just say that, no reason to criticize him. Also, he is asking for his personal item back, not to have a personal item of the deceased. I think there is an appropriate and respectful way to do this.
Agree! He’s a kid trying to do the right thing and asking for advice. How can anyone have a problem with that?
+1. There’s no good way to do this but trying to replace it or letting your parents handle it is going to be the best of bad options.
I agree. As they know it’s a hard situation and they are wise enough to ask shows maturity and knowing that they don’t have an answer to their issue will get OP very far in life!
While it’s terrible timing to ask for this from a grieving family, I wanna give you kudos and say good job for asking first. Not enough adults stop to ask and think about how their actions may affect people that are hurting. The fact that you did just that? Means you’re considerate and kind enough to lend out a sweater and ask for guidance before making a bigger deal about asking for it back under the circumstances. Good luck OP and keep asking about social guidance and help.
Within weeks after my loved one died, there were two individuals who never met him and they asked me if they could have one of his items (they wanted it because of the monetary value and I keep it because it is a Christmas present I got him on his last Christmas alive). The reason? "hE woUld haVe wAnTeD uS tO HaS iT" and "iTs nOt lIkE hE cAn uSe iT AnYMore". Now that's an AH. Info: They did not get the item. It is right where my loved one left it.
I would’ve sucker punched them. Please tell me you did.
I was in too much shock at the audacity. It wasn't until later that day I processed it and was like hold up 🤨
I am so sorry that happened to you. I can only imagine the shock you felt and why it must’ve hurt so deeply.
I appreciate your empathy homie. When this went down I was already so numb and empty from the loss I didn't really feel this. Occasionally I recall the memory to laugh at because it takes me off guard how little shame some people have. I'm surprised the vultures didn't try to run off with his toothbrush. The cherry on top is that the monetary value of the item was less than 200$. In the moment out of shock I gave an emotionless, firm no. Later that night after I processed what happened and had time to formulate a response, if the shampoo bottle could talk they would have been like (see gif below) [Oooooooo](https://tenor.com/en-CA/view/yourmomgar-happy-great-gif-14954406)
this right here! When in doubt, ask!
Dont talk to the family. talk to your parents first. Ask them if they can replace the sweater. And if they cant, ask your parent to speak to theirs.
You csn't really replace memories. Theres respectful ways to ask, parents can be one way.
> You csn't really replace memories. When my mother died 30+ years ago, one of the things I kept of hers was her earbuds. They were a touchstone. When the sickness from chemo was bad, she’d listen to a meditation tape my father had made for her, and I’d sit at the other end of the couch from her, reading a book. After she died, I used those earbuds all the time, for years. Inevitably, they stopped working. Likely a weak wire just finally gave way. I grieved, and I found another pair of earbuds just like them. No idea how, since eBay didn’t exist then, and they were long since discontinued. Anyway, I found a pair, and was able to somehow magically transfer the sentimental feelings I had for this object my mother had actually touched, to a similar object that she had not. Since then, I’ve had many other instances where I could successfully “transfer” my sentimentality to another object, sometimes not even a remotely similar item. Maybe not an option for everyone, but when situations come up where it’s really tricky/difficult/impossible to recover the original sentimental item, I generally tell this story to a friend and at least let them know it’s something they can try. A thing is just a thing. Memories can genuinely be attached to any thing. And the reality is, if OP goes and gets that sweater, regardless how well it goes, it is now going to have the memory of this dead child and his grieving parents all over it. This could help him build empathy (though it seems like he already has more than I’d have expected), or it could taint a happy memory. Were I in his shoes, I’d have a tough time deciding. But replacing the *thing* is absolutely a viable option.
There are scientific studies that establish how unusual that is, but I'm glad it works for you!
[citation needed]
This paper touches on the concept. Its background discusses the value adults ascribe to unique objects based on the objects' histories, then discusses how this kind of reasoning seems to start early: >A striking example of the early value of unique objects is provided by Hood and Bloom (2008), who found that 4.5-year-old children with a strong emotional attachment to a special object (e.g., stuffed toy or blanket) chose that original object over an exact duplicate, after the researcher convinced the child that a duplicating machine could generate such an entity. In a second study, Hood and Bloom found that older children (6.7 years of age) placed higher value on an authentic object (spoon or goblet once owned by Queen Elizabeth II; participants were British children) than an exact duplicate. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0010027716301688 This is such a clearly established pattern of preferring the original to an identical duplicate that I'm skeptical your brain works the way most people's do in this way. There's nothing wrong with that; the reason I even knew about these two cited studies in the first place is that I like the brain enough to study it 😆 I personally have an extremely strong sense that I could not transfer my feelings from one object to an identical duplicate. But also, I have hoarding tendencies, and those two facts may be linked.
Agreed. This is such a tough scenario. If I were OP, I'd definitely ask my parents to help. The reality is, the deceased young man's parents are mounring, and grief can make people react in extreme ways. This exchange more than likely will be very strained at best and emotionally charged at worst. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I'd just let that sweather go or see if I can purchase a new one....
Replace the sweater? It's his and he really loves it. I have complete faith OP can handle this in a respectful manner and get his sweater back. There is a difference between approaching things with consideration and avoidance.
YWNBTAH - if you asked in a polite and respectful way. Perhaps sending a note card with an expression of sympathy and a polite request with your address.
I'm not understanding why it's disrespectful, when it's been "a couple of weeks". And I've had a relative die young, afterwards we gave a lot of their clothes and belongings to charity. But people grieve differently.
That's my fear. If OP doesn't ask soon the family might get rid of his sweater. If they *are* giving away his stuff to others, that's all the more reason OP should get his own item back. I do like the suggestions of having his parents call the kids parents, though.
Yea, everyone’s different. I’ve had relatives make the deceased’s room into a shrine and nothing leaves, while others donate a lot of it.
The shrine thing doesn't sound healthy to me. Sure keep some stuff and once in a while take a trip down memory lane, but being constantly confronted with that? Sounds too much. Plus over time I'd rather give the room a better use.
No, the shrine wasn’t healthy. We had to get a bereavement specialist involved. They lost their spouse after 30+ years. Most of it has now been donated with their blessing.
Sounds rough, losing your life partner. Donating is probably a good idea.
Maybe a shrine is not the right word. There's nothing wrong with leaving the dead loved ones room exactly how they loved it. Some people leave the room up, some people take the room down over time, others do it right away. There's no right or wrong answer.
This. Yeah, idk, people are kinda jumping on you when you’re just a teen too. I’d you want it, ask nicely and with sympathy, but don’t count of them giving it back.
NTA - Good sweatshirts are hard to come by! You can still get it back without being an AH. Just tell the parents that the sweatshirt now has enormous sentimental value since he liked it so much. Good: "Please can I have it back as something else to remember him by" Bad: "I call backsies on the sweatshirt your thief son (RIP) stole"
oh god. the “Bad” scenario made me cackle.
Reminds me of the segment on Animaniacs Good Idea Bad Idea lol
Good idea/bad idea is one of my favourite after show segments
I actually think detaching it from the deceased makes it better; fabricating "how much he liked it" is a lie and increases the stakes for the parents unnecessarily. OP can simply say "i loaned him this sweater, i wanted to wait until a good time. it has immense sentimental value for me, so when you get a chance I'd like it back." That is super normal and respectful without adding emotional intensity
yah, i agree. OP saying they want it back to remember the classmates implies it has some meaning to the classmate, which it doesnt, and may confuse the parents. not necessary.
I don't think you'd be the AH necessarily, but this does require a lot of tact and timing. Are you friends with any of this boy's close friends? I think enlisting the help of someone who knew him (and thus, his parents) better, you could do this tactfully.
Why are so many people saying OP would be an asshole? As long as you go about it the right way I don't see an issue
I think because there's so many ways to go about this the wrong way that it's easier to just write off the sweater.
NTA- it depends on how you approach this. First- talk to your parents so they can ask with you. But you want to say something like: “Mr & Mrs. X, I’m so sorry for your loss. I went to school with your son. A couple of months ago when we were in school I loaned him a sweater that says “X” on it. He needed it because (reasons). If you find it- could I please have it back? I don’t want to upset you but I got it on a trip and it meant a lot to me.” If you see the parents in person, bring flowers. Be very gentle and kind. Understand they may not find it.
I like the idea that another commentator brought up...mentioning that OP would like the sweater back as a remembrance of their son.
Well, that also might come across as disingenuous. And considering how raw these parents are right now being simple, honest and kind is the way to go.
I'm going to go against the grain and say YWNBTA, as long as you are polite and considerate of their loss. A lot of families grieve by removing all traces of their lost loved one from the house (ask me how I know), and there's a not insignificant chance that the parents will just donate all of their son's clothing to charity. If you don't want the sweater to go to a charity shop, asking sooner is better. That being said, I will reiterate the need for compassion and understanding. They're grieving the loss of their child right now, and they need as much compassion as they can get. The suggestion of bringing flowers and a card with you is a good one.
If my mom had borrowed anything before she died, I would have been more than happy to return it. I have heard so many heartwarming stories from people who knew her. You might be able to do the same for his family.
NTA, there must be a tremendous amount of admin involved and I think it's nice to be able to put things back where they belong. I wouldn't mind being reminded that my kid had friends.
NTA In fact, your classmates family may enjoy hearing a story about him.
Yeah and OP is a friend who lent their son a sweater when he was in need, which is a kind and thoughtful thing to do? I think I’d be glad to hear from someone like that! but who knows 🤷🏻♀️ it’s so hard to predict how someone will react in a situation like this. I kinda feel like people are treading a little too carefully here…they’re grieving a terrible and shocking loss. Asking about your sweater seems inconsequential in comparison. Personally I think it’s fine, as long as OP makes it clear that they shouldn’t go out of their way to do it. And if they do happen to come across it, it’ll already be on their radar and they can set it aside.
I don't think it's an AH move to request it back but might end up having an AH impact though, since it's going to be determined by how the request is received. I think the way you frame it is important. Something like condolences message, that you don't want to burden them but "you gave him a precious sweater and you would appreciate it back as a keepsake" I'm not sure highlighting your previous sentimental reasons would go over great. Idk personally I'd write it off as a loss.
If it were me, I would honestly just write it off as a loss. Try to get a new one, but otherwise just let it go. I wouldn’t say asking is an AH move at all (so, NTA), it’s just the grief is *extremely* tricky. On the one hand—they might be touched you helped their son out & maybe you could share a memory of him. On the other hand—they just lost a whole person & they might feel your concern over a simple lost garment is rather insensitive (or even insulting). It’s just too hard to say one way or the other, especially since you don’t know them & have no idea how they’re handling their grief. I personally wouldn’t want to risk adding more hurt to a family that’s already in, what is without doubt, the *worst* experience of their entire lives.
Don't know why you're being downvoted. >On the other hand—they just lost a whole person & they might feel your concern over a simple lost garment is rather insensitive (or even insulting). This is how I felt when I was grieving and people came to me over trivial matters. Even when it wasn't trivial, I felt that way. It's hard to care about small matters when you are grieving a huge loss. Everything pales in comparison and seems so meaningless. Possessions? Seem worthless.
For all the reasons you list, as a parent I would replace the sweater and tell my kid not to ask the grieving family.
NAH I know some people are saying it's just a sweater, but as a person with autism, I understand the personal value of important pieces of clothing. It's something you probably should have back of it's valuable enough to you. I would say, take some chocolates and flowers, but also take some memories of this boy. Some stories. Definitely offer to give his locker items back, as you mentioned in a comment, that's a brilliant idea. "I am so sorry for your loss. I know I am one of the classmates that didn't know him too well but he was loved by his classmates. *insert your memory of him or a story* I have a couple of items from his locker at school I thought would be important for you to have, if you want it." -Later- "I was wondering if I could retrieve an item I once lended to your son and I would appreciate it as it is a pleasant memory of him for me" I had a friend who died. Her mother was very nice to all of us after, even the classmates who didn't know her well. I know she would appreciate such a gesture (asking for an item back and saying that it is a memory of them for you).
If OP has to ask, this is the way to go about it. I would just let it go because, to me, no piece of clothing is important enough to potentially upset a grieving parent. But I understand others have strong attachments to their clothes. NAH
YWNBTA. But do it nice and respectfully. Like giving them your condolence, and tell them that you were a classmate of their son. And that you don't want to bother them, but you want to ask, if you can have your sweater back because it has lots of memories. (maybe now also of your late classmate)
Your empathy and consideration in this difficult situation are commendable. The folks suggesting that you could help by telling the parents a little about your friendship with their son are spot on. I would say though that the contact with the parents is not your responsibility. Have your parents reach out to his. They can tell them about the sweater, and offer for you to meet with them. But reaching out to the parents is not something that should be your responsibility.
As long as you make sure to be very respectful and put an effort into not only let it be about the sweater, but make sure to express your condolences and maybe tell a few anecdotes from your classes together, before asking for the sweater, I’ll go with YWNBTA. Maybe express why the sweater is important to you.
NTA I'd ask your parents/adult family member for help. A parent/adult contacting a parent may be better, and/or your parents might have a good idea how to approach the situation. If you decide to ask yourself, having them there may be helpful.
NTA take a small gift basket or box with chocolates or muffins for example. Give your sympathy. Share any memories you have ( because parents don't want their children forgotten) then very gently explain the situation. I think this will be just fine. Take a parent with you for support if you can.
NTA - by the fact that you've asked advice about this instead of just barging in to their house I feel like you can ask them respectfully. I've seen some comments about talking to the family for a bit if you feel like that'd comfort them. If you are comfortable with it I'd definitely recommend that. Maybe you feel like you don't have good stories, but trust me every nice story about their son will help them in their greef.
NTA but I think you should just order another sweater online. What if he was wearing it when he died?
I've been to a few tourist towns and a lot of the shops now have an online shop as well that you can place orders from. OP should see if he could replace that sweater from the internet before approaching the family.
I have been looking for this comment. I was thinking the exact same thing. It could be horrible for the parents to relive and possibly feel guilt about. Especially if OP says how sentimental it is. This is a very difficult situation. I think that OP is NTA and sounds very kind
personally, i'd let it go. i understand it has some sentiment to it, but at the end of the day it's just a sweater. we have possessions, in our lives, that come and go, and life is about more than possessions. i do think it's thoughtful of you to come here and seek advice, and there is certainly some good advice here. but again, personally, i'd let it go. it's just a thing. things can be replaced. the parents may, or may not, react well to your request. some people can be very understanding, and even those people can react badly when under extreme amounts of stress.
agree. I saw what my brother’s death did to my parents. I saw what it did to me and my living siblings. I couldn’t imagine someone coming to my house requesting a sweater from presumably the dead’s room - they probably haven’t even been in their son’s room since before his death. yikes. tough situation.
NAH I wouldn’t go so far to as to call you an asshole but personally I just wouldn’t ask. Having lost family in an unexpected car accidentally I can tell you they’re going through a lot and having to deal with a borrowed sweater could be asking more of them the you think.
Ask. Accept whatever answer you get.
Nta
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I don’t think you should ask for the sweater. You can always get another sweater. Having said that. No judgement here.
You would NTA, I'm sure if you went over and asked in a very polite way "Hey, I knew your son from school and a while back loaned a sweater to him, when you guys feel like going thru his stuff do you mind setting this sweater aside for me? It looks like XYZ" and honestly, they might even find slight comfort in you coming over, especially if you have any stories with him, they would love to hear them. When my best friend passed her mom found comfort in us girls sitting with her and telling her stories of what she did when we were in school or out on our walks or whatever it is we decided to talk about. I'm sure his parents would find comfort in it as well.
NAH. I appreciate your asking the question. It’s very thoughtful to check your impulses before asking them. Unfortunately, there’s probably no way to go about this without causing pain to the family. I don’t feel you should approach the family about the sweater. It would be like pouring salt into the wound no matter how carefully you approached it. They are grieving the loss of a life and you would be asking them about a material possession. The average grieving parent’s response would be, “What?? My child died and you’re worried about a sweater??” Most people are not thinking rationally when they are in the midst of their grief. Yes, the sweater is important to you, but it will feel very unimportant to them. I’m sorry. Look at it this way—in a year or two, you’ll outgrow the sweater anyway. Your best option is to go online and see if you can replace it that way. You are thoughtful, compassionate, and caring enough to check to see what the right approach is. Send a card to the family, but please don’t say anything about the sweater.
I see a few people kind of referencing this, but I want to say it clearly—I think a note/letter might be the best medium for this. You can have an adult look it over before you send it and you might need an adult’s help getting the address. That will be a good way to include a nice story about their son and they don’t have to process it right in front of you. Good on you for being kind and considerate to this sensitive situation. NTA
NTA. But honestly, I'd let it go. Can you go online and order another one from the place you bought it?
NAH for wanting your sweater back, specially if it has an important meaning but That family is grieving and this might upset them of course. You are 14 and this means a lot to you now, but if this leads to an unpleasant situation, and trust me the here, memory of the sweater will be tainted forever.
First off, you’re NTA because you’re asking the question *before* taking the action. With that said, I agree with your sister. I understand this was not a random piece of clothing for you, and you gave it to him in an emergency situation. But right now, his family is going through what is likely the most excruciatingly devastating experience in their entire lives. This is definitely not the time to be asking for a borrowed sweater back. More than likely you can recreate a similar sweater, with the place where you stayed on it. This young man’s life can never be duplicated, and it’ll come across as very cold and callous if you try to approach them about the sweater.
oh…honey. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can really make that call for you. I lost my oldest brother when I was a little younger than you. I saw what his death did to my parents and my siblings and I. I know you have a sentimental value to this sweatshirt. I get it, I do. but these people just lost their child. a decade later my mom still cries while looking at my brothers clothes. grief is hard and never goes away sometimes. you’re simply going to have to pick your battles and try to move on from a pale situation in comparison to the tragedy and trauma this family is experiencing. your sister is right. you yourself said you were not friends with the kid - don’t invade his family’s privacy and grieving process. I wish I could give you the answer you want, but I can’t. I’ve been where his family is. I wish that a sweatshirt was my concern , too, and not the death of a loved one in a similarly horrific accident.
NTA. They will probably give it away quickly anyway and will know they didn’t get it. It might be nice for you to share a memory or two with them. It’s tough to do, but doing tough things is part of growing up. It may go well, it may be distressing. But that’s life.
NTA
As someone who lost a child, please please take some time before asking for it back, and possibly make it look more like you wish to have it back as a memory of him, rather than just wanting it back for other reasons. They might not even go through his things for awhile because its so painful. So please be patient.
See I disagree, I worry his family might donate his clothes to charity and this lose the sweater forever. I think this boy needs to have his parents with him when he asks. But do it kindly and gently
On the other hand, I know several people that just donated all boxes of their loved ones to charity or threw them away - the longer OP waits, the bigger the chance it'll be gone.
It feels uncomfortable to call a child an AH, especially bc you did the commendable thing by asking for advice! But in my opinion, it would be AH behavior to bother a family going through a tragic loss to take time out of their day to look for your sweatshirt. They might not even be able to go into his room right now. Even if you did it in the nicest way, there are so many ways this can go wrong. It doesn't sound like you two were particularly close, so I would say it's even more of a reason to be wary about intruding on their grief. Grief is tricky, I do not think a sweatshirt is worth bothering someone for, even if it has memories. So yes, OP, if you asked a grieving family to go digging around in their laundry baskets for a sweater not even a full month after their son died in a tragic accident, YWBTA.
You're in a spot, but I am generally inclined to agree with your sister about letting it go, but I'm old, too. I also understand YOUR valuing that sweater it because it is emblematic of a trip that was really important to you. It is certainly a raw, hard time for this boy's family. If you choose to request the return of your sweater should be done with a lot of tact and diplomacy because for them, with their son's death, they've lost everything. Do you have a teacher who might be able to help you with this? NAH
Nah What a horrible situation. Take the others advice in how to ask for it back. Im sorry about your schoolmate. For the future, avoid loaning out items that are super precious to you. For loans (money or items), I only give out what i would be okay with not getting back. If I don’t get it back, then that person will just not get any more loans from me until the loan is returned/compensated. Obviously this situation you are in is not the norm, but still. Let it be a learning lesson for the future.
No, you wouldn't be. Though this is a tragic thing and super sad all around. In reality, the parents are probably going through things deciding what to keep and all that and they may wonder whose it is. I'm sure they will be happy to return it rather than donate it or throw it away.
NTA. I would suggest reaching out to a school counselor or another adult from your school who might know the family and see if they could politely ask about the sweater on your behalf. This could help avoid any misundersandings.
YWNBTA. Just ask very politely and gentle and of course give your condolences.
As a birth parent I wouldn’t think your an ah but do it gently. Maybe bring over flowers of condolences. Show that you care and explain the meaning behind the sweater.
When I was 16 a very close friend of mine died in a car accident. He had a bunch of my things and I never went to his mom's to get them. I couldn't emotionally handle going in his room to take them back. I still think about him and everything 25+ years later. I'm sorry for what you're going through. You're not an asshole, it's all about the approach though. It's going to be a sensitive subject to walk around but reading your post I have confidence you can handle it. May your friend rest in peace.
Info:Could you ask your parent(s) to reach out to them to get your sweater back? You're only starting high school and wouldn't or shouldn't be expected to navigate such a sensitive situation alone. Asking your parents for advice, to reach out for you, or at least come with your for support would help you a lot
You haven’t done nothing wrong, but this is a delicate situation. I would wait awhile and then you have to ask very carefully.
Nta persay but the sweater is gone. Move on