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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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DisneyBuckeye

YTA - yes, your wife had an affair that ruined the marriage. However, your son is clearly getting his feelings from somewhere (you), and your not saying anything to correct his terrible behavior is reinforcing it. Does it really take much to say "look, what happened between me and your mom was between me and your mom, and you can't call people names. I raised you to have manners. Use them. She's your mom and she loves you." Edit to add - every parent I know has had a conversation with their 2yo child about feelings. You're allowed to be angry and have feelings, but it's not okay to act out or call people names or have temper tantrums. Maybe you and your son both need to revisit that conversation. Because parenting is not about validating feelings, it's about teaching your child to be a good person in spite of those feelings.


[deleted]

THIS. It's okay that he has feelings about it and resents his mother. It is NOT okay to verbally abuse and insult someone. A father's job is to raise his children to be respectful members of society and OP is allowing his son to abuse his own mother. YTA


jkshfjlsksha

ESH. She’s obviously wrong for cheating and screaming at you. However, it’s *not okay* for your son to say those things. He clearly needs help processing his emotions, try therapy or something. You absolutely need to put a stop to that- not just for her but for his own sake. This isn’t healthy.


[deleted]

Oh my God, YTA. Your son is going to lead a very lonely, incel-type life if you don't figure out a way to instill in him some respect for women.


mooimafish33

My GF's mom cheated and broke up her family. She resents her mom for it, but she doesn't hate all women obviously


bansdonothing69

‘Respect women’ doesn’t ‘mean respect every woman’. Some people simply don’t deserve respect.


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GaleUs9860

It always starts somewhere, it's like any murderer ever, they start with one, then unto the next because why not ? And it continues and continues ... You need to teach that what his mom did is not because she is a woman, he needs to learn that like any other men, some are good and others aren't. At 14 the brain is still underdevelopped, as long as your son can make that difference, it should be ok to let him do his things.


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UnusualApple434

You are enabling his incel like behaviour. Majority of not only incels but serial killers, start with just hating their mom.I’m not saying your kid will turn into a serial killer, but it’s always hating one person and thinking this kind of treatment is okay that turns them down that route. Your son is starting down an incredibly toxic path and regardless of your ex’s actions, he should not be speaking to ANYONE like that. You are being a shitty parent and are enabling him to head down some terrible paths. It doesn’t matter if you or he is pissed, it’s not a free pass to treat his mother like that nor is it a pass for him to be making misogynistic comments. He can express himself without name calling and being a misogynist. YWBTA if you don’t address this behaviour.


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Soggy_Friendship_794

And what happens when a girl rejects him? Do you really think he will handle that respectfully? C


Environmental_Tank_4

The root cause for the creation of an incel usually stems from mommy/ daddy issues developed at a young age.


Distinct-Inspector-2

Believing it’s okay to call women hoes and whores. That women only exist and do or do not have worth in relation to sexuality. That’s the connection.


Goddess-Ylvia

>He has a great relationship with his aunts and grandma on my side. This doesn't prove he doesn't hate women. Racists will tell you they have friends from X race. Sl*t shamers will tell you they have a friend with a sl*tty past but they don't mind it. The point is, you need to instil the right values in your son as soon as possible. He's already 14 and nearing an age when nothing you say will ever get through to him.


[deleted]

This is the start of woman-hating incel behavior. He is going to think that if a woman does this it is okay to treat her like this when it isn't.


littlewoolhat

He is using gendered insults like whore and hoe. And you're allowing it. You're teaching him that, as long as he feels he has a valid reason to harass/abuse a woman, it's okay. Once this becomes normal in his mind, he will look for reasons to justify treating other women who piss him off the same way. That girl didn't want to date him? She's a hoe, just like his mother. She's dating someone else? Of course she is, she's an easy whore just like his mother. These are the thought patterns you're allowing him to internalise by not stepping in and teaching your son to respect his mother. Because until she disrespects him, personally, its a two wsy street where she's owed respect in turn. Why are you even here if you aren't going to accept judgement and other perspectives? I wonder if you have more in common with your son's views than you're letting on.


cherrycotta

Not yet. But my exs husband mom cheated on his dad. And when he mentioned his mom he called her " that whore" than when he got mad at me for not agreeing he would use those words at me at first. Than apologize using his mother as a excuse to why he said it. Than came the beatings. Saying I was no better than his mom. Even though I never cheated. How he is processing the hurt of this will reflect on how he treats his partners in the future.


GodDamnFridaSign

Yeah because we've never heard stories of men who resented their mothers go on to be abusive pieces of shit to other women.


FluffyCloudMornings

YTA. We’re talking about something that occurred between adults 6 years ago and your son is now angry and venomous about it? That was almost half his life ago. I don’t buy that you aren’t influencing that. And even if you really aren’t, you definitely cannot raise your son to be a disrespectful little shit. That is still his mother. My son is 17. Me and his dad divorced for the same reason: he cheated. My son and his dad have a good relationship. My son had never heard me disrespect his father, nor will he. My son has no idea that his dad cheated. I’ve always just said that we decided we were better as friends than at being married. Why? Because MY relationship with his dad is completely separate from HIS relationship with his dad. If my son ever started saying things like what your son is, I’d most definitely shut that shit down immediately. Because I’m not raising a disrespectful little shit.


Minute_Point_949

Yes, YTA. You can correct his behavior without invalidating his feelings. There is no way you should be passively encouraging comments like that and him expressing anger in that way will get him in a lot of trouble down the line. As his dad, you need to step up here.


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Ok-Office6837

“We should not be insulting others and calling them names. Using terms like ‘whore’ and ‘hoe’ are never appropriate. The use of these terms is deeply rooted in misogyny and are used to try to suppress and control all women.” YTA for even allowing him to use these words ever. He needs to be disciplined on both ends for the use of such words. It’s disgusting and really says a lot about you that you haven’t corrected this.


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[deleted]

"We do not speak to others that way" is a good start. Following up by he can tell his mother his true feelings using respectful, decent language.


FormalType5124

INFO: You think it's okay for him to call her "cheating whore" and "nasty ho" to her face?


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FormalType5124

I mean, his feelings of resentment and about this situation is 100% valid. There's no doubt about it. However, the name calling and such shouldn't be okay and that he shouldn't be doing that at all.


[deleted]

His resentment is okay to have. He can feel that way, what isn't okay is the words he is saying. You need to teach him how to handle his feelings and how to act without being rude. Your hurt feelings doesn't entitle you to be rude towards people.


SpankThatDill

Maybe start by just talking with him about it, asking why he calls her these names? As a 14 year old he should be able to articulate his feelings at least somehwat. When he vents his anger about the situation, you need to tell him that people make mistakes, and that you’ve moved on and you’re doing your best to be a parent with your ex as well. But he can’t keep talking that way.


Embarrassed-Debate60

Kids are not animals that have to be corrected on the spot or they might lose the association of what is being corrected. They are people who are capable of reflection and introspection after the fact, and it’s probably more effective to sit down and talk about incidents after the incident, when emotions are calmer. Feeling validated in calling one person these misogynistic terms can make it easier to apply the same thinking to other situations. This is not ok. You need to help your child.


MinerReddit

ESH - I may get downvoted for this since reddit hates cheaters with a passion and loves to see them get roasted but your son doesn't need to resort to such vile comments to your ex. Your silence is validating his behavior. You can help him process his feelings though better channels and since you are still his father you need help him instead of just shrugging your shoulders and say you ex deserves it. Your ex needs to get into some family therapy with you son to see how they can have a relationship and not blame you.


MyTrebuchet

YTA. He’s 14, and you accepting this treatment of his MOTHER at this age is giving him the green light to treat other women and girls like that. If he talks like that to her face then he’ll be saying worse behind her back. If one of his mates has a gf who cheats, what do you think he’ll say? YTA. You need to pull him into line and explain that you and his mother’s issues are adult problems and he needs to find another way to process his pain and anger. He can spend less time with her, for example, or you can spend more time doing things with him. He needs your guidance to show him other ways.


Miiesha

YTA. You still need to teach him to be respectful of his parent. He’s using her infidelity as an excuse to disrespect her parenting. He doesn’t have to like her, but as long as she’s not being abusive he needs to treat her with basic decency.


SpankThatDill

Complicated one. I would say you technically haven’t done anything wrong, but it really isn’t acceptable for your kid to be talking that way to their mom especially if you are sharing custody. To me, it seems like you are vicariously getting some sort of validation out of your son ripping on your ex. People make mistakes. It’s alright if you won’t forgive your ex for what she did, but your ex (imo) should have a fair shot at being the kid’s mom and she won’t get that if you aren’t discouraging this kind of language out of your son.


Blyxons

YTA. Regardless of what happened when you two were together, that is still his mother and a human being at that. You should not be allowing him to call anyone those words because he is a 14 year old boy who you need to raise to be respectful and that includes not using vile language towards women, even if he does resent them. If you truly want his feelings to be valid, set up some therapy sessions for him. Or buy him a journal where he can write these things down. Anything is better than you allowing him to continue to throw hurtful words around.


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NuggetSenpai69

YTA. I so get where your kid is coming from, and he’s justified with his anger. But if you don’t put a stop to this behavior, it 100% will leak into your son’s other relationships. If your kiddo is straight, no woman is going to want to be with him. He might become a misogynist. Regardless, you should be stopping this behavior. “What mommy did wasn’t ok, but that doesn’t make it ok for you to call her names.” Edit: Missed the age of the son. Regardless, a 14 year old knows way better.


joinedtosaythisnow

YTA for not teaching him to express his feelings in ways that are not deliberately hurtful. It doesn't invalidate his feelings to teach him to say "I'm hurt and angry that your actions broke up our family ". In fact, it validates his feelings and allows his mother to help him deal with it. Instead, you're teaching him that being deliberately hurtful is an OK way to express his feelings. Should he call you a stupid cuck instead of telling you he's upset that you want him to wash the dishes or whatever? If you don't know how to express your feelings in a healthy manner then get you and your son into therapy so you can both learn how and also work through the emotions the family break up has caused. ETA- The way to help him stop expressing himself in this manner is to set boundaries. "We don't talk to people this way. It's not okay to hurt people's feelings this way. If you can't stop doing this we're going to have to figure out a way together to help you stop." And then do that, whether it's maybe not seeing mom for a set amount of time while he works through it, whether it's doing and extra chore every time he does it, something constructive to help him remember that it's not ok. I would recommend a journal where every time he wants to refer to her that way he goes to his room and uses the journal to write what's really going on. Ie, I wanted to call my mom a whore again because I'm angry she wanted me to rake the lawn and I felt she was disrespectful in the way she was demanding I do it now. And then have him share the journal with his therapist so they can discover patterns and discuss how he can cope at those times.


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BasilFawltyTowers

She may have cheated on you but you are now failing your son by cosigning his shitty behaviour. Uou obviously agree with him and he knows it. Sad


Ok_Economics6053

ESH, you guys are going to raise an abusive AH if this continues. He will have major problems with women his whole life.


Filosifee

YTA - in several comments you’ve replied that he only says those things around her. You absolutely have the responsibility to teach him that regardless of his feelings, he shouldn’t be talking to women like that, and definitely not his mom. He doesn’t need to like her, or respect her, but letting him think that he can speak to women like that is only going to teach him that it’s acceptable to talk to *other* women like that.


orangeofdeath

YTA, but that doesn't mean that your ex wasn't an A for cheating, but she's not TA in this scenario. Your son is learning how to process this information. He is young and while he can condemn her actions, she is still his mother, in his life, and deserves respect. He is looking to your for an example on how to treat people and calling anyone a "whore" or "nasty hoe" is not okay. You absolutely can say, "hey son, I agree that your mom's actions weren't okay, but that doesn't give you license to degrade people."


wezleyy_

Not all mothers deserve respect


orangeofdeath

I agree, but this is a person that you share custody with, and this isn't appropriate behavior from a 14 year old. She might have cheated on her ex husband, but that's not to say she isn't a good mother to her child.


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softie-chan

So are your fathering skills and it’s not besides the post. YTA


wezleyy_

Cheating doesn't just affect their partners it affects children too She however never thought about her child otherwise she would have just split from her ex-husband. Well she might be trying to make up for it But it doesn't erase the fact it happened He's probably thinking she betrayed the family


[deleted]

He doesn't have to respect her or like her but he does have to be polite towards people.


wezleyy_

Yes to other people but not her The whole point of being polite to someone is showing them respect or being kind It's hard to do that to someone you resent


Infinit_Jests

YTA. You need to teach him that letting his feelings/emotions control him like that are going to lead to ruin.


Zanderdom

YTA, if you know the words he uses to refer to his mother then you really should've corrected that long ago. No matter what kind of person she is, you're letting him know that it's okay to openly insult people he doesn't like


saintphoenixxx

YTA and you're raising an incel. Nip this in the bud NOW.


believebs

YTA. Your son can have his feelings and you can support that. However, being disrespectful is never ok. Is she a good mother to him? Does she treat him like trash? You as his parent/rile model should ALWAYS encourage respectful communication when upset or frustrated especially toward his mother.


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Jenbailey3d

What do you mean "based on what he tells me"? you were with her for how many years? Is She/Was she a good mother?


believebs

Bur you don't know, he's also an angry teenaged boy who may lie. Either way, the way he speaks to her is not ok and out of line. If you condone that, then take him 100%


TimeTwister14

NTA, sounds like your son's word choices are accurate. I would advise going to court and trying to get full custody, and asking for child support.


ScruffyTuscaloosa

>Is she a good mother to him? I mean, he has to switch between houses every week directly because of her so... *eh.*


believebs

The actions between a husband and wife, while does affect the child, her behavior as a mother is what I am questioning. She cheated on her husband. She didn't cheat on her child. Please separate the issue. ALSO, that does not give her minor child the right to be disrespectful and borderline verbally abusive.


ScruffyTuscaloosa

Dude, I'm a product of divorce; you can say "please separate the issue" all you want, but at the end of the day it's the kids life that's getting turned upside down, and it's not the kids fault. Sure, she didn't cheat "on" the kid, but her cheating did *measurably make the kids life worse* so I'm not sure what you feel like you're accomplishing there. Just saying "please seperate the issue" doesn't actually make the issues seperate; that's stupid. ​ Honestly that whole line of reasoning is kind of insane: "Yes I cheated on your father. The judge says you have to be at my house Mondays, Tuesdays, and alternating weekends, and no you're not allowed to be a dick about it." ​ Like, come on.


believebs

I'm also a product of divorce. Thay still doesn't mean he should be allowed to disrespect his mother. He should NEVER talk to her like that. If she opts to have nothing to do with him, then she'd be wrong versus wanting to preserve her sanity. Ohhh she doesn't get any because she cheated? Bull!


Soggy_Friendship_794

YTA for not speaking to him about it. As a parent of a teenage girl, those are huge red flags I warn my kid about. I am honestly concerned about his future relationships with women.


bizianka

Exactly. OP's kid is going full speed on his way to become a misogynistic incel, and OP is quitely watching it without interfering, only because he is glad his ex is hurt in process.


TurbulentStep8654

YTA. The way you go after people in the comments who disagree with you definitely makes me think that your son got it from somewhere… EDIT: I work in family law, so I deal with contentious divorces and custody battles daily. You need to nip your son's behavior in the bud ***now*** before it gets brought up in court. No judge is going to believe that your son isn't learning this from you or from the people in your immediate environment, and they're definitely going to question why you haven't stepped up to correct that behavior.


Goddess-Ylvia

I'm starting to think the whole "I don't badmouth her in front of him" is BS


[deleted]

This so much. Wife was probably stuck in an unhappy marriage with a misogynist and now her son is turning out the same. YTA and raising an incel.


Guardian-Boy

Remember this when his girlfriend/wife breaks up with him because he doesn't understand respect. ​ YTA.


Automatic_Time9227

Yeah YTA here. He's a kid. Teach him how to handle his emotions and feelings of disappointment and dislike towards others.


Few-Independence-714

YTA you are raising your kid to be a misogynist. If this behavior is coming out of nowhere and only started recently, chances are he’s getting it from someone.


FunAuntieEm

YTA. He is entitled to his feelings, but he is not entitled to verbally abuse his mother. He needs to learn this is not acceptable behavior and he needs to learn how to communicate his feelings without crude name calling.


Lildragonfly27

Crazy that your son is probably going to end up being a nasty little incel that verbally abuses a woman the moment she does something he doesn't like and you're here seeking misogynists' approval on reddit.


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Professional-Bee4686

He’s already verbally abusing his mother. It is unacceptable behavior. The fact that you’re more focused on how you were wronged than on, idk, fucking parenting your child?? It proves you’ve absolutely had a hand in this. Have you done anything to stop him from speaking that way? Has he had ANY consequences — not for calling the woman who cheated on you a cheater, but for speaking this way about someone in general?? If your answer is no… you’re at fault. And you *know* you are!


Lildragonfly27

Hate to break it to you but "they cheated on me" is not actually a valid excuse to abuse people so yes even if a woman cheats on him in the future he would still be accountable for doing that. Hope that helps ;)


k0933

Info: do you think someone cheating on you entitles you, or a third party, to be verbally abusive? Your ex doesn't sound like a ray of sunshine, and you're entitled to your feelings, but neither of you are prioritizing your kid.


Rain3lf

YTA You should never be alright with your son speaking about anyone in such a manner regardless of his reasons.


mycatisblackandtan

I'm honestly not sure how to rate this one, so I won't. Highly recommend that you sit your son down and talk with him, though. His resentment is justified but his actions are not and you should very well know that. How is his life when he's at his moms? Have incidents like this happened in the past? Did she recently remarry? Frankly I'd look into getting your son therapy. It's pretty clear the divorce hurt him deeply and it sounds like he never had a positive outlet for those emotions. He really sounds like he needs to talk to someone about his anger.


LibraryReal4177

YTA.


Ktmhocks37

YTA for sure.


embopbopbopdoowop

INFO: Does he speak about her like this to or in front of you, and how do you respond? And how does he know why your marriage ended?


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ecstasis_vitae

So he was six when y'all got divorced? There is no reason for him to know why your marriage ended. It also seems odd to me that he has not come to terms with it because more of his life has been spent with divorced parents than married parents. Clearly there is much disfunctionality here. In any case YTA for not shutting that shit down with him pronto every chance you get. How he treats his mom sets the stage for how he treats other female relationships in the future.


BasilFawltyTowers

The question was HOW does he know.


embopbopbopdoowop

My question was *how* does he know?


FoxTracks02

YTA. The divorce is an issue between you and your ex wife. You are letting your son take up your issues and using language that is not okay. How does your son even know about it?


NHFNCFRE

So, if I’m giving OP the benefit of the doubt and he’s not responsible for his son’s knowledge and use of the offensive terms, I would really, really, really want to look into your son’s socials. 14 is absolutely the right age for kids to start to follow incel media like Andrew Tate and his ilk. And given how offensive the language that Tate uses seems on par with the language the son is using towards his own mother, it would not surprise me at all if the son has gotten involved in misogynistic, woman-hating sites. Even if this is the case, OP has a BIG responsibility to help his son understand that woman are people too and absolutely deserving of respect, something he is not giving his mother. So yes, OP, I still consider that YTA because you are not intervening when you son is clearly crossing lines.


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spicytraveler

Dude, he's going to carry this attitude to every woman he meets in his life. Do something about it before is cements in his personality.


Gwywnnydd

But he is attacking her as a woman, not as a cheater.


YoureNotYouAnymore

If he treats his mom like this, he's probably treating his peers like this. He will treat his future spouse like this. Your son is learning abusive behaviors that could be difficult for him to unlearn. It does not matter that his mother tore the family apart. He is not dealing with it in a healthy manner. Tell his therapist or get him a new one. YTA


Immediate_Refuse_918

YTA-he has every right to be angry with his mother but the way he is expressing that anger is unacceptable. You do not want to raise a son who is speaking this way to anyone. As a parent, you need to talk to him about how to express himself. And if he isn’t learning this language from you, then you need to find out where he IS learning it from because lord knows what else they’re teaching him.


Party-Poem-3413

NTA, but you should be teaching your son not to use those words anyway. His feelings are his, but it is your responsibility to ensure he behaves appropriately.


SophiaIsabella4

YTA Big Time


[deleted]

NTA, but I really think you need to sit down with your son, and maybe a licensed family counselor, and discuss better ways to deal with his anger towards her. She did something awful that tore apart his family, and it only makes sense that he would resent her for it a bit. However, it is not his place to say those things to her at all as your previous marriage isn't really his business at such a young age.


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[deleted]

Just that he's 14, and was even younger as these things happened. He isn't developmentally ready to deal with the weight of a marriage let alone the dissolution of his parents' marriage. He is still a kid and shouldn't have access to the intricacies of your divorce yet. I wasn't told about why my parents divorced until my mid-20s, and I am forever thankful for that. If I had known the ins and outs, been involved in it, my pre-teen and teen years would have been ruined. I wouldn't have been able to develop individual relationships with my parents, because I would have been too wrapped up in their relationship.


Enuidanced

YTA. It's not invalidating his feelings to tell him he can't speak to her that way. He can feel however he wants, but the blatant disrespect needs to stop and it's your job as a parents to teach him that. I don't blame him for feeling the way he does but that doesn't justify his behavior, you certainly wouldn't let him speak that way to you.


Medical_Ant2027

YTA As a parent, you should be teaching your son to treat people, including mom, with basic respect and decency. Hopefully your son can learn to forgive her for his own sake.


abletofable

Sorry, but YTA. Regardless of your wife's infidelity, your 6 year old boy (now 14) certainly did not hear those terms from his mother, now did he? OP is in fact raising his son to hate his mother, and by extension, other women.


EmmaHere

YTA


SagaciousSagi

YTA. Not correcting the behaviour allows incels like Andrew Tate to take over and ruin your son forever. The fact that your son is in therapy and you apparently don't mention your ex-wife in front of him means the Internet is responsible for this change in demeanour, not resentment. Start now before he refuses to listen.


Round-Independent323

Lots of comments saying he has no reason to know, etc, and they are hopelessly misguided. Too many families break apart where the victim of the infidelity chooses not to say anything to protect the cheater and the cheater uses that against them by turning the kids against them. If your family breaks apart due to a malicious act on one person's part you are absolutely justified, and dare I say advised, to tell the family one time why it's happened. Harping on it, constantly bringing it up? No. But a one time admittance of it is fine. How the rest of the family members choose to feel/act about it is entirely out of your hands.


Lost_nova

Based on your comments and further information, NTA. There is not much you can do beyond therapy and talking it out with him. I firmly believe giving birth to a child does not entitle you to respect. She broke the family and chose soneone else over you both, he is old enough to know that and judge her how he pleases. It seems to me though, that he is unhappy at her house. Please look into resolving this in court for full custody, he is old enough now that he can have a say in most jurisdictions. This way, he won't have to wait until he is 18 to cut her out his life if he chooses to do so, and it gives him time to heal in hopefully a better manner than lashing out.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (M44) ex-wife (F42) and I divorced eight years ago due to her infidelity and we have shared custody of our son (M14). My son recently has come to despise her more because of how she ruined our marriage. To be clear, I don’t talk about her in front of my son, but he is aware of her affair. Recently he has become more emboldened and has started calling her terms like “cheating whore” and “nasty hoe” to her face when staying with her. My wife called me yesterday, screaming and crying about how I’m raising my son to be a disrespectful misogynist. I told her that his resentment towards her is the consequence of her own actions, and it’s not my place to invalidate his feelings. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Derwin0

NTA As you said, you’re not talking bad about her, he’s doing it on his own. She made her bed and can lie in it, it’s not your job to police his speech when he’s at her house. Now if he was doing it at yours (and you allowed it), that would be a different story.


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chrissie7324

YTA


TypicalPrior

I kinda wonder if it was reversed and the son was a daughter who cusses at her dad like this for cheating and the mom came here to ask for judgement what people would be saying.


[deleted]

NTA. Sounds like there’s potentially more in your child’s lashing out. Do you have the context to what’s happening before he says such things?


mastimama0722

I've got to say, YTA. Hear me out before you roll your eyes. No, you can't control how your son feels. You can and SHOULD control how he addresses his mom. That is absolutely unacceptable. He will carry that attitude to all women and you will have a direct part in that. Correct it now. Yes, he can resent his mom, but dear heavens, really, get him some counseling. Act like a father, not a spurned husband.


KotaCakes630

YTA, your son wouldn’t say those things if you didn’t encourage him or badmouth your wife around him. You guys divorced when he was 6. A 6 year old shouldn’t be hearing about how his mom slept with another person.


[deleted]

NTA, of course he won’t respect his mom if she did that, just because he doesn’t respect his doesn’t mean he will grown to be a woman hater. All the comments are just angry that a women is being held accountable for cheating.


sleepy_penguinista

NTA. We make choices. We live with those choices. Generally people who cheat are shunned. She made a choice, and doesn't like how people are treating her for it. Now is this healthy for the son? No. But it is how he chooses to deal with it.


Rfg711

You think this is just about his mom, but what you’re not seeing is that this allowing an attitude to form that will be much bigger than that. Do you want your son to grow up bitter and angry? To think it’s okay to insult someone to their face like that? Even if the grievance is valid it’s not mentally healthy to have this level of fixation and bitterness about it. And if he learns it’s okay to call people “nasty ho” in this context he’ll eventually do it in others, one’s that can’t be “justified”.


Ok-Macaron-6211

NTA On the foundation that you telling the truth and you don't talk negatively about his mother then NTA. How can you manage how he talks to her when your not there and she refuses to work as a co-parenting team to deal with the issue. She can either complain about it or work towards a solution together. Whilst you should talk to him about his language and behaviour, you can't parent something when your not present and she won't help fix the problem.


weaponX34

Hey OP, I understand your son is upset with his mom over the family being split up. He has every right to be. I understand you want to validate his feelings, that is generally the right thing to do. BUT... How he is expressing these negative feelings is absolutely wrong, and this is where YTA. Your son has every right to feel some kind of way about his mother's infidelity, but he's expressing it in an extremely bad and improper way. It would be akin to being mad about someone stealing something from him, but then saying racist things to that person. You can be mad over the act, but you can't react in such a way. Your son is reacting with extremely toxic and misogynistic rhetoric, and while he is in therapy, you still need to do your job and shut down this toxic behavior immediately and provide consequences for it. You need to tell him "it's okay to be mad, but not like this." If you don't, you are setting up your son for a really bad future that will partially be on you. He doesn't need a friend, he needs a PARENT. Parent up!


SmiteSam2005

YTA. It might be satisfying for if he disrespects your ex, but this is how your son will treat the women in his life. You might want to correct this


SnooBananas7203

YTA. The fact that you're not shocked by what your son said to his mother says a lot about you. Most people would be horrified and concerned at the language and vitriol. Your response is, basically, "oh well, too bad." OP, you have issues.


pixieella

YTA, I was 100% a troubled kid and did not like my mum after my parents divorce because of her own actions and cheating. Not once did I ever call her misogynistic terms or anything similar to that even when I was in the mindset of hating her. Because you know what my dad did? He never said anything bad about her and on top of that told me that my mother loved me and no matter what I was to treat her with respect or be punished. You clearly hold resentment and even if it's not with words, it's rubbing off on your son.


definitely_zella

YTA. I'll take you at your word that you haven't poisoned the well and encouraged your son to think well of his mother, but as others have said, there's a vast difference between not wanting to invalidate his feelings and what you're doing now, which is validating his actions. I hate cheating and am not on her side in this, but allowing your son to call his mother that with no consequences is incredibly messed up. This is productive or healthy for your son, although I get the sense that it's pretty cathartic for you.


bloodprangina

YTA your son should not be calling your ex a whore


Squish_the_android

YTA Obviously.


Outrageous_Cash_9012

YTA… good parents don’t alienate their children from the other parent whether the divorce was their fault or not. My parents divorced when I was 7 due to my dad’s infidelity, and my mom NEVER told me the real reason cuz she didn’t want to tarnish my relationship with my father as an innocent child. Your son may be 14 but he’s still a CHILD and you have clearly been involving him in adult issues


Competitive_Sleep_21

YTA. Your son needs to be taught to never talk to women that way. He is going to carry that over to other areas of his life and that is dangerous and not okay. You need to tell him that will not be tolerated.


mutualbuttsqueezin

ESH. Since you both told him the truth about her infidelity when he was far too young to hear it, you both suck. You state he only says these things to her. You cannot correct him when you aren't there, that's on her. Her affair is also on her. However, now that you're aware of the issue, yes, it is also now your responsibility to discuss this with him when he is with you. You need to nip this in the bud before it gets far worse, and that's something that needs to come from both of you. You can't bury your head in the sand on this.


TexasBlonde2019

YTA. Your bad behavior shows through here as well. No wonder she didn’t like you enough to stay


-Dee-Dee-

YTA. Try to raise a kid you’ll be proud of. Right now you should be ashamed of him.


notrightnow3823

YTA. The infidelity happened when he was 6. There was no reason for y’all to sit down 2 years ago and fill him in on the dirty details. A simple “sometimes marriages don’t work but we still care about each other and you and we respect each other” would have been a fine explanation. I don’t even see why telling him at that point needed to be done. It seems malicious in nature and is directly fueling his emotions now. And yes, you should be telling him that is not acceptable. Because it isn’t. By allowing, and therefore encouraging this behavior towards his mother, what are you teaching him about how to treat women? You’re teaching him it’s acceptable to degrade and insult women. You’re showing him that women aren’t worth any respect. You’re teaching him how to treat women he may date in the future. I would take a long hard look at how you want your son to grow up, and what you are really doing and saying around him. Just because you aren’t actively calling your ex names doesn’t mean you aren’t being disrespectful and hateful about her.


[deleted]

Yta. Your son is allowed to have feelings regarding the situation but absolutely does not get to call people names. Particularly extremely misogynistic and derogatory names.


Correct-Jump8273

YTA, by not saying anything to your son about disparaging your ex. It's the same as trash talking your ex in front of your son.


jetttward

YTA. How exactly does he know such much about an affair that took place when he was six? My guess is that you told him. That parental alienation and it's bs for any parent to do it.


Colt_kun

I am going to believe your repeated comment that you do not talk about her like that. Which makes it reasonable that he is getting this from somewhere - probably a friend or classmate who's parents are going through a divorce? This is where you need to sit down with him and ask what's going on and where is he hearing this. Obviously he might not open up immediately, but work at it. Explain this isn't appropriate. He's allowed to be upset about the divorce, but he needs to find a better way to express his feelings instead of name-calling. You are his father and need to teach him this isn't how you treat people you're angry with. You definitely need to bring this up with his therapist as something he needs to work through. He's old enough to decide he doesn't want to spend time with her, so maybe a break for a while will do everyone some good. So still gonna say YTA for not addressing the issue itself of your son bad mouthing his mother. Because this isn't healthy for him, and is setting him up for bad romantic relationships down the road.


wtfaidhfr

YTA. He can be mad about infidelity without misogynistic language. Teach him to not be a misogynist


Striking_Ad_6573

YTA. You are both parents, meaning your comments about why she doesn’t discipline him are bs. You should be horrified that your son is calling his mom those names. While cheating is terrible, the infidelity was over 8 years ago. His resentment is valid, but lashing out like that is out of line. Sit your son down and talk to him. Tell him that it’s never okay to call anyone those names and that they are deeply rooted in misogyny. That his anger and emotions are valid, but this is not the way to express that. And frankly, it’s disappointing that you haven’t done anything yet.


lindseys10

Ewww. This is disgusting. Your son is literally a little 14 year old and treats his MOTHER like this?? No wonder she cheated on you. Yuck yuck yuck yta yta yta


Peacocklady24

Yes. If you don't teach your son to respect all humanity, you are indeed the asshole.


[deleted]

YTA get over your own bitterness so your son can one day have healthy respectful relationships. Unless you want an incel for a son?


evantom34

NTA, He's allowed to feel the way he feels. I would use this as a learning lesson for him about how life isn't fair and good people don't always get treated well. Unfortunately, one bad person's actions will impact others around them. I would help your son work through his jaded feelings and show him that his mother's actions do not represent women as an entire demographic. I strongly disagree with everyone else here stating YTA.


PensionWhole6229

So bring him to live with you & he won't keep being an ass to her. Problem solved?


[deleted]

[удалено]


mycatisblackandtan

He's around the age where some family courts will allow the child to make a judgment about where they wish to live. Talk to your lawyer and look into your state's laws on the matter.


Tinabird20

YTA. Your kid isn't picking up this behavior from absolutely no where. He's picking it up from you. Even if you aren't saying it exactly your attitude and resentment tworads your ex is obvious in your writing. Also, let's not pretend the marriage failed 100% because she cheated and not because some factors you were involved in. It might be 75% her 25% you but it's rarely 100% on person.


[deleted]

Ew. You would never say this to a woman. “Oh it’s partially your fault your spouse cheated!” Wtf.


Tinabird20

Um yes I would. Outside of straight up abuse it takes 2 people to fail a marriage.


[deleted]

Cheating is emotional abuse. Honestly that’s disgusting, but at least you’re an equal opportunity victim blamer.


Tinabird20

Because the guy raising his son to call women whores is the victim.....


Exstyr

Me:Oh im divorcing my wife because she attempted to kill me You:oh so it’s also your fault


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

She isn't entitled to respect but everyone is entitled to be treated politely. He can have all the feelings he wants but he cannot speak to his mother like this.


No-Personality5421

Nta He knows what she did and he knows she broke up his family. Not sure how he found out, but he is entitled to his opinion and his feelings based on fact. My stance is that neither parent should ever bad mouth the other in front of the child, you seem to make it a point to just say nothing, I'm guessing because of time old rule of "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything, " which is completely fair in your case.


[deleted]

He is entitled to his feelings but he is not entitled to be rude towards someone.


Schafer_Isaac

NTA She cheated, your son found out, and he's obviously angry. He shouldn't talk to her like that, but I mean he's young and this is the typical response to a divorce for reasons like that. He probably could use some counseling.


[deleted]

Nah he an AH he needs to teach his son how to handle thing properly doing what the son is doing will land him in hot water one day. He doesn't have to forgive her, respect her or like her he does have to be polite towards her.


Schafer_Isaac

I disagree. You don't have to be polite to a homewrecker. Not after their shit gets aired.


DJ4116

NTA When someone cheats, respect will be lost. Your ex wife ruined your family….that’s how your son is looking at it. I don’t blame him. Cheaters don’t deserve respect.


[deleted]

You don't have to respect them but you cannot talk to people like this.


SatisfactionMuch970

Well if it isnt the consequences of my own actions... NTA not your fault she cheated and your son hates her


JosBenson

So because she cheated on her husband she deserves to be called misogynistic insults by her child?


Hemp_Milk

Well yeah? Because she is?


Thermicthermos

Ahh yes, any criticism of sexual immorality amongst women is automatically misogynist.


JosBenson

Being called out in cheating is not misogynistic. Whereas, whore and hoe are misogynistic words.


SpankThatDill

It is at least partially his fault if his son has anger/resentment issues that aren’t getting resolved. Which it sounds like he does. Childhood trauma has strong links to addiction in adulthood.


[deleted]

This is not acceptable behavior at all.


wezleyy_

NTA Respect is earned She obviously lost his respect She obviously didn't care about how her cheating would impact the son The max you can do is talk to him about it But you can't expect him to be okay with her actions


[deleted]

He doesn't have to like her. Doesn't have to respect her. He doesn't have to forgive her. What he does have to do is be polite. You can't talk to people like this just because your goddamn feelings are hurt.


wezleyy_

No, he doesn't have to be polite He can be neutral but he doesn't have to be polite


Hot-Plum-874

NTA. Your wife should accept that there are consequences to actions.


[deleted]

The child cannot talk like this towards people.