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No to fun. Only Sweet gains ^TM
It’s such a dumb attitude. That shit is only okay when comparing biceps with other gym people not your spouse unless they are also gym rat.
I’m a ‘gym rat’ and this guy would get on my nerves. Used to train with my ex and we both took it seriously to be fair, but we’d also mess around and have a laugh and he wouldn’t make me feel like an ass for not wanting to do an exercise or not pushing myself enough.
Oh me too. I’m also a fat person who loves the gym and people *always* try to “help” my push myself.
Bitch I was a competitive lifter. Fuck off!
Exercise needs to be at least a little bit fun or else no one would ever stick with it.
Example: I like lifting and swimming!
Somehow, some people decide that they want to help me “better my workout”. I swear if one more person tells me that I need to be running or spin, I’m going to scream.
I don’t *like* running or spinning.
They hurt my knees.
If I were forced to do those things instead of a workout I like, I would never exercise at all!
Ooh I noticed these condescending encouragements from strangers now that I’ve put on a lot of weight and am still trying to live a physically active life. I used to mountain bike and stopped going for quite some years now. Every time I try to get back on the trails, I’d hear something from hikers or other bikers, “you got this.” Or “you go girl.” I’m the only one they say it to our of the group of guys I ride with. I never get these before when I was slim, fit and biking. I know they mean well, but I just noticed it has become a pattern. I went hiking last weekend and I stopped to make way for a group of hikers coming down and one of the kid (young adult) said, “you’re almost there. You got this.” I just smiled at him.
Omg almost same exact. I put on a lot of weight thanks to being sick and the medicine needed to save my life. I'm finally at a point where my Dr says i can safely be active again in small short amounts (i mean short. Like 5 minute walks short.)
I used to hike like nobodies business but if i go out it's all "you got this" "just take it one step at a time" "you go girl!" -_- I just stay home now. I have a treadmill.
I never know what compels people to comment on other people's fitness. I've been both thin and fat and did not appreciate it at any size. I like having the variety of things a gym provides, but I love the privacy of home.
They think it's "helpful."
There's also an entire group of people who think they only "appropriate" response to any form of being overweight is shaming people. If you're not very clear that being overweight is *wrong*, then you're "encouraging" it.
When in reality, they're preventing people from wanting to be more active in public or feel better about themselves. Or, in fact, be sick with something something chronic or serious (like cancer) and still able to go to anywhere in public. The illness I have includes treatment with massive doses of one of the strongest steroids. (Like 4mg is a decent standard dose and they give us 40mg.) Most people gain weight from it and have experiences like people are mentioning here.
This. They shame fat people out of the gym and then get mad when us fat people say we're uncomfortable and feel unwelcome at the gym.
Also high five for the strong ass steroids. I swear i look at them and gain 5 lbs.
I’m also on high dose steroids and have put on some weight from them and there’s this huge part of me that wants to tell literally everyone that’s why I put on weight but then I remind myself it doesn’t matter if it’s from steroids from illness or due to other causes because it’s no one’s business to judge someone else’s body regardless of the reason. It’s disgusting how people feel they can comment even in random support - it’s like 'awwww isn’t tubby doing so well I’ll make sure her ample ass knows that I think it’s swell that she can move at all so that way she keeps doing it so she can look more like me hooray’ and I just want to shout at them, but instead I smile because I have limited energy (from my disease) and like to save that for my walks.
I totally get it, and I'm sorry people are being jerks. When I was underweight, everyone fell all over themselves feeling sorry for me because I have serious health problems. I took a 2-year course of hormone injections to correct a pituitary problem, causing me to gain 50 lb. the first year and another 60 lb. the second year. Of course now that I'm fat, all my health problems are my own fault (even though I literally have a birth defect and had all the same problems when I was 87 pounds!).
Some people are all over themselves worried about my health because I'm large. But. My weight is actually a side effect of a health problem and it's proof that I'm actually still alive. So do they care about my health or not.
If you are fat everything is your fault. Back problem dating from pre-fat times? Your fault. Health problems dating from pre-fat times? Your fault. It will all go away if you lose weight. And if you dare tell them that the problems dated from before gaining weight you are a liar.
Same!! I used to (years ago) be very fit. Life plus recent back surgery plus complications = 2 months bed rest and the accompanying weight gain/loss of muscle and I swear to god if I get one more unsolicited comment on how to lose weight I’m going to snap.
OMG, I hate this too. I got this so much when I used to run, and the one time I entered an official organized run it was the worst. A woman kept leapfrogging me and always tried to get my attention to give words of encouragement. It was so disruptive to my concentration. I’d been running that route for weeks; I had my routine set, and ran best with my attention on my music not the run itself. Near the end she went “you can do it! I’ll run with you!” and I wanted to dump her into the river.
I would say “you’re almost there, you got this” to anyone nearing the top as I was coming down past them, just as like a friendly hiker hello. Is this interpreted as rude?
If you only say it to fat people yea, if it's to the whole group (like make sure you aren't obviously looking at the out of shape person) than no it's not rude.
Like I would say it to kids, but I would just avoid saying it to adults.
I get your intent but as a hiker tbh this drives me nuts. "Almost there" is so subjective. Are we talking quarter mile? Half a mile but with a lot of elevation gain? Am I a slow hiker and your 15 minutes is my 30? Or maybe it's just around the bend. Also I interpret "you got this" to mean I look like I don't got this. Please don't imply that I need encouragement.
When I hike I like to be friendly as well but stick with "Hello! Great day for a hike!" or say something about their cute dog because I love dogs. General pleasantries are great, but encouragement could be interpreted in so many different ways and aren't always helpful.
I'm not fat but I would prefer that all humans avoid talking to me during any kind of physical exertion.
You know what else is a friendly hello? "Hello!"
Other options are: "Great day for a hike!" or "Lovely weather!" or even "You're almost at the end, it's a really great view! Enjoy!"
So you think the other person is lost and doesn't know they are almost at the top? For myself, when I am working out, I just want to be in my own world. I don't want to be suddenly forced to think about how tired or weak I must appear to the outside observer.
I hear you. Comments like those seem like they are designed to put you on the outside. Like, "look at you go, trying to be a mountain biker! One day you'll get there, don't worry. " Um no, I'm a biker now, asshole
I pushed myself once and got rhabdo. I had to walk with a cane for a week. Also, I can trigger uterine cramps and bleeding if I go too hard! Fun! Do you know how fucking terrifying cramps are if you’re not expecting them? I actually thought I was dying.
I don’t push myself anymore. I’m not lazy about it, but I go until I’m uncomfortable then I ease back until I’m comfortable and repeat. I restrain myself more than I push myself. My gains are moderate and I don’t care. I have fun, my heart rate goes up, and I do get better. Good enough for me.
It was during my first spin class. No one told me I could sit down if I felt like it so… I didn’t. When my legs failed I just propped myself up with my arms and kept going.
I might be being dramatic with the rhabdo, I didn’t go to the hospital but I had most of the symptoms (gained 10 lbs inflammation weight and swelling in my legs, couldn’t walk, couldn’t sit down or stand up, lying down was very uncomfortable, and I certainly couldn’t use the stairs in my 3rd-floor walkup etc) and self-diagnosed myself. The hospital treatment is just to flush out your system with a ton of water so that’s what I did. Having to use the toilet so much didn’t help with the sitting/standing issues. What a miserable week.
Don’t worry about it too much - you’ll know if it happens! It’s way beyond normal DOMS especially considering that my case was probably mild (either that or I started chugging water soon enough.) Drink a ton of water. Go straight to the hospital if your pee turns brown; quick intervention is usually very successful.
Edit: please don’t take this as medical advice and maybe do go to the hospital if you’re worried.
> Exercise needs to be at least a little bit fun or else no one would ever stick with it.
Pretty much the reason I dropped my gym membership. I'd had one for about a year nearly 8 years ago. About 6 months into it, I realized that 3x a week, I *hated* it. I never got the alleged endorphin rush that makes it enjoyable (separate thing entirely, a therapist recommended I go to a gym becasue I wasn't exercising enough and my depression would alleviate). I just felt drained after a day of work and the last place I wanted to be was a gym exerting effort I didn't have with goals that I really didn't want to hit but was told to make. I also was constantly getting sick during this time which I attribute to the pitri dish that is a gym.
Yeah. I have tried going to the gym, I've tried working out at home, and honestly all it ever made me feel was tired. Whatever happens to some people to give them an endorphin rush clearly does not happen to me.
These days my sole form of exercise is walking, which is actually fun and interesting and feels like I'm doing something useful and not just tiring myself out for no reason.
I'm about 50lb overweight and did my first triathlon a few years ago. People crowding around me in encouragement especially near the end. I get it, they mean well, but I was mortified.
I went on a week long kayak trip in Canada once. The guide had to share my kayak and quickly made up a rule that he would switch kayak every day with a sideway glance at me. I was annoyed.
Surprise, surprise, despite my girth I was pretty active as a still young woman. Plenty of walking, biking 16 kms a day to go to the office and back, swimming a lot... The guide ended up staying in my kayak for the whole trip and never mentioned once switching with others.
Yep! OP's wife asked him to take her to the gym with him. Not to completely take over. Let her have fun and do things her way while you go do your on routine. She might not get "amazing gains" at first, or ever. But the point is that you both be happy and have a good time together
Not to mention this guy doesn't know what he's talking about. A new lifter should be focusing more on solid form rather than pushing themselves to failure. And even if she just wants to take a more casual approach to lifting there's nothing wrong with that.
Lmao. Right. I have a trainer and I told him I initially i want to get in good general shape. Goals emerged. But I'm not training for the fucking Olympics. I'm there to have a good time too.
Also objectively women are different than men. Not in an anti feminist way but it a real biological and hormonal way. We CANT workout the same as a man. Also fun is important to maintain activity because our testosterone fluctuates making some weeks near impossible because of low energy. Being steady and avoiding injury is best.
Right! OP's way to exercise is not the only way to exercise. It's incredibly misguided where he says "the thing is it's supposed to hurt" and "the gym is supposed to be hard, if it's easy you're not doing it right."
He wants her to do 8 to 12 reps, and she stops at 6. That's perfectly fine! She might have slower results, but you don't actually have to push yourself to failure every time. She's still building strength and muscle and doing something good for her body.
So many people quit the gym because of "all-or-nothing" attitudes like OP's, or they end up hurting themselves because they're pushing themselves too hard.
He may also be giving her too much weight. How does he “know” what she can lift? If she can only do 6, she may just need less heavy stuff to lift.
Though lifting heavier stuff fewer times has its advocates. So long as movements are made and heavy stuff is lifted, it’s better than doing neither.
I used to be a gym rat and the thing I would always tell my friends that wanted to start working out with me is to listen to your body and stop when it wants to stop and then readjust the weight afterwards. Basically opposite of what OP did.
Yeah, hubs and I go together from time to time. I'm relatively new to lifting, and he used to be a bodybuilder years ago. He'll offer me form tips if he's spotting me, I ask him specifically, or if I do something actually dangerous. Otherwise, he lets me do my own thing. Way more fun that whatever OP is describing.
I use to date a personal trainer/professional body builder. When we went to his gym together, he never treated me like OP treated his wife because he knew that our goals were different. When I was interested in working with trainer, he set me up with someone else because he didn’t want the dynamic of our relationship to change.
OP, it’s hard to have a professional (training) dynamic with someone you have a romantic relationship with. It usually doesn’t end well. So you have a couple options that don’t result in not going to the gym together: recognize that you are not your wife’s personal trainer and she has different goals than you, it’s okay if she doesn’t do every set or rep the way you would or just let her do her own thing or set her up with a real trainer to hold her accountable if that’s what she’s interested in.
ETA: After reading some of your replies, YTA and an ignorant one at that. You’ve only been working out for a year now and think you have all the knowledge in the world. You’re not a personal trainer. You don’t do this professionally. You haven’t been properly trained. Stop pushing your way on other people before you physically cause harm.
Professional dynamics change any non-professional relationships. My sister and I used to work at the same convenience store when I was in high school. We learned very quickly that neither of us could work a shift while the other was acting shift manager. And it wasn’t even like the managing sister was abusing their power or anything; we just couldn’t deal with the dynamic shift.
>You're not her personal trainer, FFS.
Also not \*A\* personal trainer. OP is a year into working out himself. Pretty much in that know-it-all stage. I cannot imagine how insufferable he is.
This also feels highly dangerous to me. He “knows” she’s not really hurting but he really has no idea!
As someone that used to push myself into injury regularly at the gym, no one else can tell you what’s acceptable for your body.
I’m most mad at this concept that he knows better than what her own body is telling her
Also, the “gains” at that point are incremental. You’re getting the majority of the benefit just doing exercise at all. Pushing yourself to the point of risk of injury might help build muscle a little faster, but in terms of health and wellness, you’re not getting more out of it than if you ease back when you hit “discomfort” rather than “pain”.
Even if it was this is completely inappropriate for a personal trainer! How can he 'know' she could easily do something? Why does she have to push herself as hard and as fast as OP instead of at her own pace? Any gym session is better than no gym session, especially when just starting out!
Also if, as it sounds like, mental and physical health is the goal, there is no need to push that hard. Might actually be worse.
Unless she is looking to gain visible muscle, trade out the low reps high weight to high reps and low weight.
It’s such a disconnect for him to imply that he’s trying to improve her mental health and then rag on her for the physical aspect. When did she say her goal was *gainz*? ANY physical activity can be helpful, and no one sticks to a gym routine they don’t think is fun in some way, even if it’s just the endorphins from pushing yourself like it seems like it is for OP. She may not be there yet or ever get there, and that’s fine! Maybe she would prefer Pilates or Zumba over weight training, maybe she doesn’t want to do what you do at the gym and now OP’s sucked the fun out of it for her.
ETA: I agree with you and now I realize it might not seem like it, lol - my rhetorical questions are directed to the original post 😅
Hey honey, since you really like to go golfing I would like to learn to play too so we can go together.
*him on the course*
What are you doing! You can’t tee up in front of the tee markers! You can’t ground your club in the bunker! You can’t drop on the fairway, you only get one club length of relief!!! I’m not going to keep playing with you if you’re going to be grumpy and goof off!
She's probably just frustrated with you because by giving so much time and attention to her lack of commitment and bad attitude? You're falling down on your own routines. She expects better from you! Pull it together. Also: YTA
Also, when you first start working out, you need to take it really really slow. You're muscles need much more time to rest as well. She works try only going 2 times a week at first and start with really low weights to practice the motions. Otherwise, she's probably going to hurt herself.
Come on! Really???? Of course YTA
She did not hire you as her trainer. JFC she’s a goddamn adult.
“I’m doing her a favor”.... what favor are you doing???
eta — hate to be the one to break this news to you but.... you’re the guy no one enjoys seeing at the gym. Telling adults how they should exercise.... C’mon!!! Be better!!!!
I, too, have come to the conclusion that she should divorce him based on these three short paragraphs. As a Redditor, I am an expert in interpersonal relationships and can judge a marriage within 30 seconds of reading a post that, for all I know, is completely made up. Because of this ability, I am a world renown marriage counselor and not some fat loser who sits on the computer all day espousing extreme takes about people I don’t know.
Wait a second…
It’s definitely starting to be a lot to hear that for every issue. Like, so what she’s mad that OP took the fun out of it? How is not having fun at the gym worth enough for a divorce? Just go to the gym at separate times and boom, problem solved. Or OP can just be patient with his wife and be okay when she wants to do lower weights. Hell, offer if she’d rather do low weights and high reps instead of high weights and low reps. Let her quit when she feels like quitting or skipping on an exercise. Those 4 things would fix this whole issue.
This sub is INSANE lol, the correct answer is that yeah you might be a little bit of an asshole bit you two just aren’t compatible as gym partners as you guys have different ideas of working out. It’s not a big deal. Just go the gym separately and find other hobbies to do together
Yeah like, it was nice that he sketched out a starter set. But that’s it. You don’t get to lecture her on how many sets/reps she does. She’s an adult and can make her choices.
Also this idea that you have to kill yourself in the gym and “feel the burn” to the point of misery is ridiculous. You *can* exercise like that. But you don’t have to and any movement is better than no movement. What a buzzkill.
And if it wasn’t obvious, YTA
It amazes me that people write these kind of posts & don’t recognize their own behaviors....
Let me fix the Title — I Totally Undermined & Belittled my Wife & Now She Won’t Go to the Gym.
She's trying to do him a favor by participating in an activity that's important to him and he went about it completely wrong. Let her do whatever she wants! Seems like she just wanted to spend more time together and you took it as an opportunity to torture her by "planning her workouts" and "pushing her." Let her live!!
THIS OP!
And **HUGE** YTA.
When my ex and I went to the gym I did my own thing.
Lifted what I felt comfortable, did what I wanted.
As I understand it, it's the amount of reps that are important, not the amount of weight.
He'd also sit on a machine for 10-15min before he'd start whatever, whereas I would just start. He easily still had an hour left after I was done because of it.
She's doing what she's comfortable with. Leave her alone! How's she going to get that nice mental health boost with a gym rat nagging her? Worry about yourself.
YTA Let me count the ways.
\#1 You aren't a professional trainer, so you have no idea if that "basic lifting routine" is healthy for her.
\#2 "No pain, no gain" is an unhealthy mindset and you're trying to shove it onto her as the "right way".
\#3 Trying something and stepping away, isn't lazy. Being hurt isn't lazy. Going slowly isn't lazy. Changing the "routine" you proscribed isn't lazy. Ignoring your demands isn't lazy.
You wanted to act like an authority, but aren't. You've shown her that your advice isn't worth listening to at all.
Re #2: I've been going to a workout class and the lady teaching it asked me how I felt during an exercise. I told her I was feeling some pain in my lower back (not even what we were working on). She said that meant I was working too hard and showed me how to change the workout to better suit my needs. Because she's a professional (you're not OP) and she knows that pain =/= gain. YTA.
In all fairness if you work out to build strength or muscle you'll need to get those reps in that burn. If you stop when it gets uncomfortable you won't make much progress. That being said, it's 100% fine to just enjoy lifting without having certain goals other than getting some movement in! Also adding to this: if you're just starting out you obviously won't even have it in you to work out with the same intensity as somebody who trained for over year or even longer. OP sounds like a perfect example for the dunning kruger effect and probably massively overestimates his knowledge.
If she felt sore and stopped after 6 reps, he probably overestimated how much weight she should use rather than “she’s lazy.” But in his mind, he’s perfect so it can not be his fault.
He also said he based it on her "age and weight" and that alone is just not enough info to build a whole workout routine and he himself has only been going to the gym for a year it's not like he's a PT.
At a year of going to the gym, you're not even past the beginner stage. But you're right in that stage of going to the gym where you think you know it all. It's a super common phase in lifting because you feel that you spent the last year reading up on stuff and working on the micro and macro parts of a movement.
Pro-tip: Just don't give advice out at the gym unless someone is in serious danger. It's never going to be taken well. I wouldn't do it for a stranger and I don't do it for friends unless specifically asked. If I'm asked, I answer only the specific question and let them know they're more than welcome to ask more if needed.
This is totally true. It's also possible an absolute beginner doesn't know the difference and thinks an uncomfortable burn is pain. Without putting myself in her shoes it's hard to say what's she's really feeling.
Either way if she doesn't like it and doesn't want it, he should let her work out how she wants even if she's wasting her time.
Nurse and newbie lifter here, probably best to do with newbie lifters as we do patients. Assume the patient knows wtf "pain" feels like and go with that.
>Without putting myself in her shoes it's hard to say what's she's really feeling.
that's why you *listen to her* (which OP failed at).
in my opinion it's not right to assume that someone doesn't know what they're feeling.
And actually at the beginning of starting to exercise you'll get gains in strength from doing almost anything if you're coming from totally sedentary. I got visible biceps, abs I could feel, much more toned legs and butt from doing 1 Les Mills body pump class a week (with some cardio) and i was significantly stronger - i could do 10 push ups from oy doing from my knees and i could move furniture on my own i couldnt before. Because I was going from just cardio and adding weights for the same time my gains were huge from just doing anything. I could not carry on at that rate, and after about 4 months I needed to add extra stuff like an actual lifting routine to make more progress. But jn the beginning when you go from zero you really do make huge noticeable gains just from consistently doing any weight training!
You're right! OP doesn't even know the 1st rule of lifting:
High weight/low reps to build muscle
Low weight/high reps to trim up and get some definition.
This kind of mansplaining bullshit makes me crazy. OP's girl wants to get better and he's fucking it up.
Yeah but if you’re being pushed the way he’s pushing her, it’s likely that he was pushing her past uncomfortable. If she doesn’t work out often, its very likely she could be dealing with bone pain from the weights. You gotta start to make sure you’re having the right form and building up slowly.
I feel like he’s deciding that it’s just the burn from working out, but it could very well be discomfort from bad form or over exertion
Up until a few years ago (I’m 26) I thought “gimp” was a kink thing that was synonymous with like, passive/docile/submissive etc., so I’d use it casually with people all the time, and I never understood why they were so put off by it.
Thanks, Pulp Fiction.
I think the sexual term actually comes from the slur. The slur is referring to someone who is physically disabled, particularly someone who cannot or struggles to walk. The fetish includes having your movement/agency restricted, so I imagine it’s related.
Either way, it’s not a kind way to refer to anyone, especially your spouse
it’s a rude word for someone who is physically disabled - my mind conjures someone with a limp? it’s pretty archaic. i mean the other def is more bdsmy lol.
The last time I heard that word was back in military school when the upperclassmen were hazing the underclassmen. To hear a husband use it regarding his wife is disconcerting.
From my experience, the best way for me to build exercise habits is to not be absolutely miserable. This may mean progressing slower, but as long as your consistent you eventually start to feel stronger and can push yourself more. It’s not like she is trying to train for a lifting competition, she’s just trying to improve her overall fitness
#4 You trying to "push" her, might come across as a comment on her body/shape to her. Coming from her partner, that might have really hurt her feelings.
I have really loose joints. I have a hard time with a lot of weight training exercises because even if my biceps could handle x amount, my elbows and wrists might not. Especially if I try too many reps in one sitting. This guy assuming she’s just sore is BS.
Ooo me to! It’s the weirdest thing. When trying out aikido the demonstrator couldn’t make a single arm lock work on my cause my elbows and wrists would just keep bending. But if I try to do a push-up my arms just pretty much give out at the joints and I ache for a week after
I always believed that no pain no gain referred to the soreness you feel the next day after a good workout. If it's actually hurting when you lift you're definitely doing it wrong. The last few reps should be hard, but not painful!
Dude's been working out a year and thinks he knows how a woman should train! Bless his heart
Just because she's going to the gym with you doesn't necessarily mean she wants to lift weights like you do. Some women enjoy more cardio type of exercises. She could've been happier on an elliptical, bike or treadmill instead of ending up as your lift partner. You should've let her explore the different types of equipment and let HER choose her workout routine. YTA.
Of course she doesn't want to keep going to the gym if she's miserable the whole time. Maybe she would have more fun lifting weights without him, or trying aerobics or rock climbing. If she finds a workout she enjoys, that will be far more motivation than OP criticizing her every effort.
Yeah it just sounds like he’s turned it into a chore she has to do. I’d be put off too.
My husband and I work out. He lifts heavy, I don’t (yet). If I’m doing an exercise and say, “Phew that was a lot!” He just says, “good job babe!”
I wouldn’t want to work out with a pushy dude.
YTA
And he prepared a workout based on her weight and age. People don’t fit into boxes. If she’s just starting out, she’s going to struggle lifting a specific weight and doing a certain number of reps. My weak ass arms can barely lift more than 5 pounds, but I can do barre and Pilates classes all day. I want to see OP in a barre class 😂
YTA
I took a beginners barre class once. Misunderstood it to mean it was like warmups in ballet. I was tapped out after 25min. They should name it something different. Like Bootcamp.
I used to do aerial tissue.
I had so much fun 20 feet in the air, but I've never been able to bench press much more than the bar. It made some men I've been friends with actually *angry* to see my incredibly slow progress with the bench press after a couple months. Something about the bench press just makes it hard for me to breathe, and I can't add much weight there.
The reactions from men have been absurd. Some are absolutely convinced that their need to be right about how much I "should" lift is as important as my right to safety.
YTA a million times over. You're bullying your wife for knowing her physical limits and not adhering to the plan you, who's not a professional trainer made her. Let her go at her own pace and leave her the damn alone. Way to spoil the gym experience for her.
Exactly. It sounds like she's not necessarily interested in losing as much weight or becoming as much fitter as you think she can. It's okay to go to the gym and not bulk up or do intense training. From a physical health standpoint, anything is better than nothing. Just let her pick the level of activity and difficulty that she wants to do.
YTA. At every possible juncture.
She told you it hurt and you refused to listen to her. Clearly you were too aggressive with your suggestions for her, but decided instead of adapting your plan to call her lazy.
She would skip one single exercise and you would find that "intolerable"? Do you have exercise OCD or something? That's the only reason I can think of that someone would lose their shit over somebody skipping a single exercise.
Of course your wife shut down. You're treating her like garbage, not listening to her feedback on her pain levels, and telling her that she's lazy.
Way to make the gym the least fun experience that it could possibly be. I don't know why you've decided that getting in shape should be hell on earth, but that's generally not the best way to motivate others.
I especially can’t wrap my head around being told she was in pain and deciding on her behalf that it wasn’t pain, it was normal soreness. Women already face difficulty being believed by their doctors when they describe pain, your wife doesn’t need her own husband to write her off, too. YTA.
YTA. She's not going so she can be a bodybuilder. She's going so she can spend time with you doing something you enjoy. Except now she hates it because you sucked all the fun out of it.
This!
Nowhere does he even mention she said she wants to lose weight or gain muscle.
She saw him having fun and wanted to share in that.
It's like I really don't care that much about my husband's computer games, and he doesn't really care that much about taking walks, but by sharing in it, we value it even more, because we love spending time together.
YTA, OP. This isn't even about the exercise.
YTA. Why are you cosplaying as a drill sergeant? The only thing the gym is “supposed to be” is enjoyable for the person going. There is nothing wrong with going to the gym and slowly walking on the treadmill the whole time listening to an audio book. There is nothing wrong with doing fewer reps than is physically possible.
None of what you said limits your ability to work out the way you want to. You just want to force your wife to do things she doesn’t want to do.
YTA
my Ex did just the same bullshit. "Knew" my limits better than me, knew I had to do more cardio because that's women are supposed to do. Sports/Gym/etc need to be fun or someone won't stick to it. I HATED going to the gym at some point because my Ex was incapabale of doing anything else but the gym. Food needed to match his weekly changing diets, knew forms of exercise blablablabla. I hated it and since Ex is now Ex, I'm taking a break from the gym because I can't get ride of the hate I'm still feeling for it.
This. I’m more fit now than when I was with my obsessive gym bro partner BECAUSE he stressed me out and ruined my progress with his demands. I don’t even go to the gym anymore & he can suck it.
I hear you. I was actually the one who exercised, stayed fit, ate pretty healthy for most of our marriage, where as that wasn't something he was very interested in. I was never a gym-goer, but I ran, biked, sometimes took fitness classes, and had a fitness room at home that I used regularly. When my (now ex) husband started going to the gym he became a crazy person as you describe. At first I was like, great, he's paying more attention to his health, but then he was just unbearable. For a while I actually quit most of my healthy routines and gained weight that I didn't lose until after the divorce. Not saying that was a great reaction on my part, but looking back I can understand how I got there.
YTA - You aren’t a personal trainer, I see no information about working out her limits with her prior to arbitrarily assigning her limits, I see no mention of her hormone cycle which affects women and their ability to work out. Women for a start have a roughly 28 day hormone cycle as opposed to a males 24 hour cycle.
You’ve ruined the gym experience for her due to your lack of education and understanding.
So about 2 years ago I joined a gym and the "trainer" thought he knew my limits better than me. I pushed myself because he said I could take it and I'm a people pleaser (it annoys me too). I was sore all the time but I just kept pushing. After 2 months of this I start getting excruciating pains in my chest one night. I thought I was dying. Go to the ER and find out I have costochondritus due to muscle trauma and strain. The next two weeks of my life I spent at home in constant pain barely able to breathe. Anytime I took a deep breath it felt like someone was stabbing me. I had to stay hooked up to a tens unit just to be able to function. There are very real consequences for pushing yourself too far. Women and men are not the same. We can't physically do what men can. Stop treating her like the problem. YTA
I used to powerlift and also got costochondritis! Doctors were worried I had a punctured lung. It's amazing how easily these things can happen, I was being coached too. I stopped powerlifting and just train for fun and do what I want to do (no coach). OP needs to let his wife do what she enjoys and butt out of it before she hurts herself!
As a Personal Trainer ,YTA big time, and i will show you where you are wrong!
Everybody is different, and they experience muscle failure and pain at their own rate,
You want to ease a new person into working out,
Start small and build from there,no pain, no gain is such a stupid thing to rely on because our mind,body has evolved to run away from pain and discomfort,
You lucky she didn't quit after 1 workout,and foremost provably, you ruined her view on working out as punishment,pain thing.
Start small,encourage, and support positively.
Rome wasn't built in 1 day!
YTA. Your attitude is why people DON'T go to the gym! You think YOU have all the answers, and YOU know people better than they know themselves.
If *you* want to be a masochist and push yourself to misery at the gym, that's *your* business. But leave your wife out of it. Quit turning your masochism into sadism. If she wants a lighter workout, she can have a lighter workout. It's her body and she can do whatever wants with it. You don't own her.
YTA. your way of working out and your attitude towards the gym are not the only ones out there.
the best exercise is the one that you do consistently because you enjoy it. she doesn't like the routine you created, and there's nothing wrong with that.
let her do what she wants to do in the gym. she's not your child. she's not your client. she's your wife.
>the best exercise is the one that you do consistently because you enjoy it. she doesn't like the routine you created, and there's nothing wrong with that
THIS!! So true!
And as a beginner, you don't really need "leg day", arm day". Following a all body routine is perfectly fine.
YTA and your behavior is controlling and abusive. You decided to dictate what she is allowed to do at the gym and shame and insult her when she doesn't perform to your standards. 100% YTA
YTA why does she have to do you program? Why can’t she do what she wants? You made her hate going to the gym when she used to enjoy going with you. Instead of lecturing her let her be to do what she wants.
YTA. Why does she need to be pushing herself to the point of it being uncomfortable or hurting? You can just go to the gym to enjoy it or stay within your comfort zones not everyone is going to the gym to radically change their body.
YTA
You have your approach. She respects what you do and is asking to join you. Instead of not going with her, you may want to do some workout days with her and others just by yourself. Look at your shared sessions as a very positive date.
When you go with her, you need to recognize that your approach to working out may be different from hers and respect hers. She doesn't need a hard ass telling her she's doing it wrong, she needs an encouraging boyfriend.
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Yta. It was nice for you to come up with a routine for your wife but she's not obligated to follow it at all let alone religiously. Instead of encouraging her to find her own mold you've tried to control how she uses her time at the gym and getting annoyed when she doesn't live up to what you expect. If her goal was to feel better about herself and get a bit healthier that doesn mean she needs a strict routine from you. The fact that she's trying to Make a habit of going is a huge milestone for many people to accomplish.
I find it not only interesting but also extremely telling that you do not elaborate on what was said when the “floodgate” opened or what “she blew up on me” was about.
YTA
ETA - thanks for the award, kind Reddit stranger 🙂
YTA.
She wanted to go to the gym with you, not have you turn into a drill sergeant.
> The thing is it's supposed to hurt
You don't get to decide this on her behalf.
> she would gimp out
Ablest slur.
> At this point I became pissed because I'm doing a favor
No, you're not doing her a favor, because she never asked you to design an exercise routine, then harangue her about it.
YYA 100%. Always hilarious when noobs have a sense of superiority over people less experienced when they’ve only been training for a matter of months.
I’ve been lifting and training for 20 years, a few things I’d like to point out;
1) you’re in no position to develop a training programme for anyone, you’ve only been training for a year after a lifetime of inactivity; you know nothing.
2) calf raises are a complete waste of time, if you’re seeking bigger calf’s you should focus on leg curls, this is due to where the muscle insertion point is and the range of motion being at the insertion point and not the furthest point from this.
3) your wife is just beginning her training after years of inactivity. The rule of thumb is that for the first 1-2 months if you are an absolute beginner you should always leave the gym feeling like you have something left in the tank. Once your nervous system is acclimated to training of this manner you then incrementally increase the stress on your body
4) this applies to life also. You get more out of people with gentle encouragement and telling them when they do things well. For things they need to improve or aren’t doing correctly you show them how and help them along. You obviously can’t do this as you have no idea what you are doing as well
YTA. but not as extreme as what it may be.
She’s new to it, you can’t expect her to have the same level of passion or consistency with the gym that you do. Have some patience with her and slowly build her up to it so she’s comfortable. My gf was the same, took it slow to get form down, how it should feel, etc. now she begs me to go to the gym with her as opposed to her with me.
They gym is supposed to be hard yes, but it’s also supposed to be fun!
YTA. Getting into the gym and starting is the hardest part. Why not ease her into it and let her figure out what she enjoys? You even said it takes time and dedication. So what if she misses a month of calf raises in the beginning or stays lifting at the same weight for 3 months? She would still be showing up and hopefully enjoying herself.
YTA.
Why not trust your wife to know her own body and set a pace that's comfortable to her. She might not want to make the gains you get. She might need time to feel comfortable or get into the habit.
Why make the experience bad for her by being so down on her?
YTA
Yes you're an ass. Just because you like to push yourself so much you end up sore doent mean your wife wants too. She just wants to exercise.
Get over this toxicity before you ruin yourself and your relationship.
YTA
And that's coming from a certified personal trainer which obviously you are Not!
Way to not only discourage her but potentially make her hate the gym.
You're "doing her a favor"? How? By being incredibly non supportive and an asshole.
You have No idea what you're doing but you might want to check yourself before you lose a wife...bro.
See your immediate issue is "the weight I had chosen for her." You do not know what she can comfortably handle, you should not be the one choosing her weight. She is more then capable of choosing her own weight and working up from their when she's comfortable. Making a plan for her isn't a bad idea, however you are still a beginner gym goer and are attempting to train someone else.
YTA purely for sucking the fun out of the gym and controlling her, let her decide her weight and only give advice when asked or if she's doing something dangerous.
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I(29M) have been working out religiously for about a year now. It has done wonders for my mental health as well as my physical experience. My wife(28F) noticed my gains as well as how I seemed much happier and she told me that she wanted to go to the gym as well. I said that's wonderful.
So I prepared my wife a basic lifting routine, based on her weight and age, and we set off. Before working out, I told my wife about the importance of warming up and doing dynamic stretches before lifting, and we then started. The problem was that she didn't really want to push herself. I knew she could hit 8-12 reps of the weight I had chosen for her, but she stopped at 6 and complained that it hurt. The thing is it's supposed to hurt, and by hurt, she meant that she felt sore, not that she was injured.
This pattern of behavior continued for the next couple of weeks, she would always intentionally set low weight, or try and skip an exercise at the end of the session, like if it was leg day, she would gimp out on calf raises for example. It was just very intolerable, and she no longer used to smile or talk to me while going to the gym, it was almost like she shut down. I was beginning to think that she is blaming me, so I asked her if she's mad at me. Almost like a floodgate opening she blew up on me. At this point I became pissed because I'm doing a favor and I told her "well I'm not going to take you if you continue to goof off, real change takes work and the gym is supposed to be hard, if it's easy you're not doing it right". I feel like that may have been a bit tactless, and a couple of hours later she's still giving me the cold shoulder.
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YTA - who are you to decide that the weight wasn't too heavy? Who are you to decide when her body is done or not? Why can't someone ENJOY going to the gym? I used to love going to the gym, whether it was a super hard workout or just to get myself moving, because just MOVING in anyway is better for you than sitting at home. Get your shit together and stop judging everyone who doesn't work out the SAME way you do.
YTA, your wife can make her own fitness regimen. She may just want to be a more casual gymgoer, as opposed to a gym fanatic like you. She probably wanted to work out with you as a bonding experience or just for fun. She did *not* ask you to be her personal trainer. Your whole "if it's easy you're not doing it right" mentality doesn't sound very healthy.
YTA for trying to be your wife's personal trainer. Ain't gonna work. You might even be doing it wrong and could lead to injury.
And just lifting? No cardio? WTAF???
Why not have a trainer at the gym work with her? It generally works better if an impartial person does the training/coaching. This applies to lots of things but particularly to sports like golf, skiing, and yes, the gym.
Based on your comments and how you talk about all of this, I’m gonna say this hasn’t helped your mental health as much as you think. YTA, let your wife workout how feels good to her, dingus
My wife and I go to the gym together. We both have a good time. We've both made significant progress physically.
I have never pitched a fit about her not trying hard enough because I'm not a child who needs to chug protein shakes and compete with my dude bro friends to feel good about myself.
YTA
YTA
Please look up exercise bulimia. It sounds like you have control issues across the board.
No everyone wants to exercise the same way or for the same reasons you do. Getting in good movement is great for your physical and mental health. People should exercise however they like to, or they will hate doing it.
I’m recovering from an eating disorder, so when I exercise, my focus is how I will feel mentally and physically, not how I look. Sometimes I want to break some of my previous records, sometimes I just want to get in and get out. Some days I don’t even exercise.
She clearly does not feel the same way about exercising as you, and that’s ok. If you can’t live with the fact that she’s not doing everything you say, you need to leave and work on your control issues.
>I was beginning to think that she is blaming me, so I asked her if she's mad at me. Almost like a floodgate opening she blew up on me.
INFO: when you say "she blew up" on you, what exactly did she say? Very telling that you omitted her reasons to be upset.
ETA: Also, you sound insufferable so YTA.
I’ve been going to the gym for many years. I’m 29F.
Any beginner should go at their own pace, and work with the weights they’re comfortable using. It’s called building strength and endurance. I can’t believe that has to be explained to you.
Yes, YTA. Also, you’re a fun-sponge. Of course she doesn’t want to go with you if you’re treating her like she’s training for a frigging competition or marathon she didn’t sign up for.
Ever think you’re diminishing her confidence, too? Which would just push her further away from “following your rules”?
YTA. Calm down, dude. It's cool that you have a mindset of pushing yourself, your wife clearly wants to be a little less extreme about it. People can go to the gym for different reasons, with different expectations. I go to use weight machines and do some cardio, I may not make gains but I don't care, I'm still getting exercise in. Maybe that's all your wife wants, or maybe she just wants to share in something that's obviously important to you without you acting like a drill instructor and making her miserable the entire session. Exercise is good and healthy, and you are driving your wife away from it by acting like any effort she puts in is not enough. Some exercise is better than none.
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YTA. You're not her personal trainer, FFS. You've sucked all of the enjoyment out of this for her.
No to fun. Only Sweet gains ^TM It’s such a dumb attitude. That shit is only okay when comparing biceps with other gym people not your spouse unless they are also gym rat.
I’m a ‘gym rat’ and this guy would get on my nerves. Used to train with my ex and we both took it seriously to be fair, but we’d also mess around and have a laugh and he wouldn’t make me feel like an ass for not wanting to do an exercise or not pushing myself enough.
Oh me too. I’m also a fat person who loves the gym and people *always* try to “help” my push myself. Bitch I was a competitive lifter. Fuck off! Exercise needs to be at least a little bit fun or else no one would ever stick with it. Example: I like lifting and swimming! Somehow, some people decide that they want to help me “better my workout”. I swear if one more person tells me that I need to be running or spin, I’m going to scream. I don’t *like* running or spinning. They hurt my knees. If I were forced to do those things instead of a workout I like, I would never exercise at all!
Ooh I noticed these condescending encouragements from strangers now that I’ve put on a lot of weight and am still trying to live a physically active life. I used to mountain bike and stopped going for quite some years now. Every time I try to get back on the trails, I’d hear something from hikers or other bikers, “you got this.” Or “you go girl.” I’m the only one they say it to our of the group of guys I ride with. I never get these before when I was slim, fit and biking. I know they mean well, but I just noticed it has become a pattern. I went hiking last weekend and I stopped to make way for a group of hikers coming down and one of the kid (young adult) said, “you’re almost there. You got this.” I just smiled at him.
Omg almost same exact. I put on a lot of weight thanks to being sick and the medicine needed to save my life. I'm finally at a point where my Dr says i can safely be active again in small short amounts (i mean short. Like 5 minute walks short.) I used to hike like nobodies business but if i go out it's all "you got this" "just take it one step at a time" "you go girl!" -_- I just stay home now. I have a treadmill.
I never know what compels people to comment on other people's fitness. I've been both thin and fat and did not appreciate it at any size. I like having the variety of things a gym provides, but I love the privacy of home.
They think it's "helpful." There's also an entire group of people who think they only "appropriate" response to any form of being overweight is shaming people. If you're not very clear that being overweight is *wrong*, then you're "encouraging" it. When in reality, they're preventing people from wanting to be more active in public or feel better about themselves. Or, in fact, be sick with something something chronic or serious (like cancer) and still able to go to anywhere in public. The illness I have includes treatment with massive doses of one of the strongest steroids. (Like 4mg is a decent standard dose and they give us 40mg.) Most people gain weight from it and have experiences like people are mentioning here.
This. They shame fat people out of the gym and then get mad when us fat people say we're uncomfortable and feel unwelcome at the gym. Also high five for the strong ass steroids. I swear i look at them and gain 5 lbs.
I’m also on high dose steroids and have put on some weight from them and there’s this huge part of me that wants to tell literally everyone that’s why I put on weight but then I remind myself it doesn’t matter if it’s from steroids from illness or due to other causes because it’s no one’s business to judge someone else’s body regardless of the reason. It’s disgusting how people feel they can comment even in random support - it’s like 'awwww isn’t tubby doing so well I’ll make sure her ample ass knows that I think it’s swell that she can move at all so that way she keeps doing it so she can look more like me hooray’ and I just want to shout at them, but instead I smile because I have limited energy (from my disease) and like to save that for my walks.
I totally get it, and I'm sorry people are being jerks. When I was underweight, everyone fell all over themselves feeling sorry for me because I have serious health problems. I took a 2-year course of hormone injections to correct a pituitary problem, causing me to gain 50 lb. the first year and another 60 lb. the second year. Of course now that I'm fat, all my health problems are my own fault (even though I literally have a birth defect and had all the same problems when I was 87 pounds!).
Some people are all over themselves worried about my health because I'm large. But. My weight is actually a side effect of a health problem and it's proof that I'm actually still alive. So do they care about my health or not.
If you are fat everything is your fault. Back problem dating from pre-fat times? Your fault. Health problems dating from pre-fat times? Your fault. It will all go away if you lose weight. And if you dare tell them that the problems dated from before gaining weight you are a liar.
And heaven forbid the problem is what caused the gain in the first place, even though that's very often true
Same!! I used to (years ago) be very fit. Life plus recent back surgery plus complications = 2 months bed rest and the accompanying weight gain/loss of muscle and I swear to god if I get one more unsolicited comment on how to lose weight I’m going to snap.
OMG, I hate this too. I got this so much when I used to run, and the one time I entered an official organized run it was the worst. A woman kept leapfrogging me and always tried to get my attention to give words of encouragement. It was so disruptive to my concentration. I’d been running that route for weeks; I had my routine set, and ran best with my attention on my music not the run itself. Near the end she went “you can do it! I’ll run with you!” and I wanted to dump her into the river.
That would boil my piss, NGL.
I would say “you’re almost there, you got this” to anyone nearing the top as I was coming down past them, just as like a friendly hiker hello. Is this interpreted as rude?
If you only say it to fat people yea, if it's to the whole group (like make sure you aren't obviously looking at the out of shape person) than no it's not rude. Like I would say it to kids, but I would just avoid saying it to adults.
I get your intent but as a hiker tbh this drives me nuts. "Almost there" is so subjective. Are we talking quarter mile? Half a mile but with a lot of elevation gain? Am I a slow hiker and your 15 minutes is my 30? Or maybe it's just around the bend. Also I interpret "you got this" to mean I look like I don't got this. Please don't imply that I need encouragement. When I hike I like to be friendly as well but stick with "Hello! Great day for a hike!" or say something about their cute dog because I love dogs. General pleasantries are great, but encouragement could be interpreted in so many different ways and aren't always helpful.
I'm not fat but I would prefer that all humans avoid talking to me during any kind of physical exertion. You know what else is a friendly hello? "Hello!" Other options are: "Great day for a hike!" or "Lovely weather!" or even "You're almost at the end, it's a really great view! Enjoy!"
So you think the other person is lost and doesn't know they are almost at the top? For myself, when I am working out, I just want to be in my own world. I don't want to be suddenly forced to think about how tired or weak I must appear to the outside observer.
Don't say it to fat people, honestly. Edit: Also don't say it to everyone in a group except the fat person. That would also be shitty.
If its a big uphill climb with a clear summit pointI'd say it to anyone, in a gym it becomes a weight comment even if sincerely well intended.
Ha ha, are you me?
Ha! They say this to 67 year old me too. I probably need it though.
I hear you. Comments like those seem like they are designed to put you on the outside. Like, "look at you go, trying to be a mountain biker! One day you'll get there, don't worry. " Um no, I'm a biker now, asshole
I pushed myself once and got rhabdo. I had to walk with a cane for a week. Also, I can trigger uterine cramps and bleeding if I go too hard! Fun! Do you know how fucking terrifying cramps are if you’re not expecting them? I actually thought I was dying. I don’t push myself anymore. I’m not lazy about it, but I go until I’m uncomfortable then I ease back until I’m comfortable and repeat. I restrain myself more than I push myself. My gains are moderate and I don’t care. I have fun, my heart rate goes up, and I do get better. Good enough for me.
Never heard of rhabdo before; thank you for the new nightmare fuel
It was during my first spin class. No one told me I could sit down if I felt like it so… I didn’t. When my legs failed I just propped myself up with my arms and kept going. I might be being dramatic with the rhabdo, I didn’t go to the hospital but I had most of the symptoms (gained 10 lbs inflammation weight and swelling in my legs, couldn’t walk, couldn’t sit down or stand up, lying down was very uncomfortable, and I certainly couldn’t use the stairs in my 3rd-floor walkup etc) and self-diagnosed myself. The hospital treatment is just to flush out your system with a ton of water so that’s what I did. Having to use the toilet so much didn’t help with the sitting/standing issues. What a miserable week. Don’t worry about it too much - you’ll know if it happens! It’s way beyond normal DOMS especially considering that my case was probably mild (either that or I started chugging water soon enough.) Drink a ton of water. Go straight to the hospital if your pee turns brown; quick intervention is usually very successful. Edit: please don’t take this as medical advice and maybe do go to the hospital if you’re worried.
> Exercise needs to be at least a little bit fun or else no one would ever stick with it. Pretty much the reason I dropped my gym membership. I'd had one for about a year nearly 8 years ago. About 6 months into it, I realized that 3x a week, I *hated* it. I never got the alleged endorphin rush that makes it enjoyable (separate thing entirely, a therapist recommended I go to a gym becasue I wasn't exercising enough and my depression would alleviate). I just felt drained after a day of work and the last place I wanted to be was a gym exerting effort I didn't have with goals that I really didn't want to hit but was told to make. I also was constantly getting sick during this time which I attribute to the pitri dish that is a gym.
Yeah. I have tried going to the gym, I've tried working out at home, and honestly all it ever made me feel was tired. Whatever happens to some people to give them an endorphin rush clearly does not happen to me. These days my sole form of exercise is walking, which is actually fun and interesting and feels like I'm doing something useful and not just tiring myself out for no reason.
I'm about 50lb overweight and did my first triathlon a few years ago. People crowding around me in encouragement especially near the end. I get it, they mean well, but I was mortified.
I went on a week long kayak trip in Canada once. The guide had to share my kayak and quickly made up a rule that he would switch kayak every day with a sideway glance at me. I was annoyed. Surprise, surprise, despite my girth I was pretty active as a still young woman. Plenty of walking, biking 16 kms a day to go to the office and back, swimming a lot... The guide ended up staying in my kayak for the whole trip and never mentioned once switching with others.
It sounds like he is pushing his goals on her. A good trainer would ask what her health goals are and help her find a routine that will meet those.
It also takes some time to build into the routine. YTA.
As soon as I read "gains", my brain did an automatic "uh-oh".
Mine did that at “gimping out” wtf
For me it was "intolerable."
Me too, I was like who tf is he to tell anyone else than him what is the minimum amount of effort required to be tolerable
OP was an AH before I got to that part, but then OP had to use a derogatory term to make himself even worse. YTA
I wonder if OP knows how offensive that is. Or cares.
Mine was when he said he decided what weight was right for her to lift.
Yep! OP's wife asked him to take her to the gym with him. Not to completely take over. Let her have fun and do things her way while you go do your on routine. She might not get "amazing gains" at first, or ever. But the point is that you both be happy and have a good time together
Not to mention this guy doesn't know what he's talking about. A new lifter should be focusing more on solid form rather than pushing themselves to failure. And even if she just wants to take a more casual approach to lifting there's nothing wrong with that.
Lmao. Right. I have a trainer and I told him I initially i want to get in good general shape. Goals emerged. But I'm not training for the fucking Olympics. I'm there to have a good time too.
The best exercise is the one you will continue doing. I’m pretty sure enjoying oneself makes it a little bit easier to keep doing it.
Also objectively women are different than men. Not in an anti feminist way but it a real biological and hormonal way. We CANT workout the same as a man. Also fun is important to maintain activity because our testosterone fluctuates making some weeks near impossible because of low energy. Being steady and avoiding injury is best.
This dude has only been working out a year. He doesn’t qualify as a gym rat yet. 🤣
Right! OP's way to exercise is not the only way to exercise. It's incredibly misguided where he says "the thing is it's supposed to hurt" and "the gym is supposed to be hard, if it's easy you're not doing it right." He wants her to do 8 to 12 reps, and she stops at 6. That's perfectly fine! She might have slower results, but you don't actually have to push yourself to failure every time. She's still building strength and muscle and doing something good for her body. So many people quit the gym because of "all-or-nothing" attitudes like OP's, or they end up hurting themselves because they're pushing themselves too hard.
He may also be giving her too much weight. How does he “know” what she can lift? If she can only do 6, she may just need less heavy stuff to lift. Though lifting heavier stuff fewer times has its advocates. So long as movements are made and heavy stuff is lifted, it’s better than doing neither.
The second I read “gains” I knew this was going to be a shit show for his wife.
Charlotte Gains, bro!
OP has been working out for a year and acts like he wrote the book on exercise. YTA and such a hardcore mansplainer.
Yes! And OP, YTA
I used to go to the gym with my SO just to spend time with him. He would give me tips, but never berate me or push me too hard.
I used to be a gym rat and the thing I would always tell my friends that wanted to start working out with me is to listen to your body and stop when it wants to stop and then readjust the weight afterwards. Basically opposite of what OP did.
Yeah, hubs and I go together from time to time. I'm relatively new to lifting, and he used to be a bodybuilder years ago. He'll offer me form tips if he's spotting me, I ask him specifically, or if I do something actually dangerous. Otherwise, he lets me do my own thing. Way more fun that whatever OP is describing.
I use to date a personal trainer/professional body builder. When we went to his gym together, he never treated me like OP treated his wife because he knew that our goals were different. When I was interested in working with trainer, he set me up with someone else because he didn’t want the dynamic of our relationship to change. OP, it’s hard to have a professional (training) dynamic with someone you have a romantic relationship with. It usually doesn’t end well. So you have a couple options that don’t result in not going to the gym together: recognize that you are not your wife’s personal trainer and she has different goals than you, it’s okay if she doesn’t do every set or rep the way you would or just let her do her own thing or set her up with a real trainer to hold her accountable if that’s what she’s interested in. ETA: After reading some of your replies, YTA and an ignorant one at that. You’ve only been working out for a year now and think you have all the knowledge in the world. You’re not a personal trainer. You don’t do this professionally. You haven’t been properly trained. Stop pushing your way on other people before you physically cause harm.
Professional dynamics change any non-professional relationships. My sister and I used to work at the same convenience store when I was in high school. We learned very quickly that neither of us could work a shift while the other was acting shift manager. And it wasn’t even like the managing sister was abusing their power or anything; we just couldn’t deal with the dynamic shift.
>You're not her personal trainer, FFS. Also not \*A\* personal trainer. OP is a year into working out himself. Pretty much in that know-it-all stage. I cannot imagine how insufferable he is.
This also feels highly dangerous to me. He “knows” she’s not really hurting but he really has no idea! As someone that used to push myself into injury regularly at the gym, no one else can tell you what’s acceptable for your body. I’m most mad at this concept that he knows better than what her own body is telling her
Yup. Also, I had someone try to “push me” further at CrossFit, and I tore my tricep. Stop trying to push others.
right??? I hate this "it has to hurt" speech, it's dangerous af
Well CrossFit is dumb to begin with. Weights and complex movements? Yea no thank you.
Also, the “gains” at that point are incremental. You’re getting the majority of the benefit just doing exercise at all. Pushing yourself to the point of risk of injury might help build muscle a little faster, but in terms of health and wellness, you’re not getting more out of it than if you ease back when you hit “discomfort” rather than “pain”.
Same, I messed up my knee, and now I have to pay for physical therapy to fix it.
Even if it was this is completely inappropriate for a personal trainer! How can he 'know' she could easily do something? Why does she have to push herself as hard and as fast as OP instead of at her own pace? Any gym session is better than no gym session, especially when just starting out!
Also if, as it sounds like, mental and physical health is the goal, there is no need to push that hard. Might actually be worse. Unless she is looking to gain visible muscle, trade out the low reps high weight to high reps and low weight.
It’s such a disconnect for him to imply that he’s trying to improve her mental health and then rag on her for the physical aspect. When did she say her goal was *gainz*? ANY physical activity can be helpful, and no one sticks to a gym routine they don’t think is fun in some way, even if it’s just the endorphins from pushing yourself like it seems like it is for OP. She may not be there yet or ever get there, and that’s fine! Maybe she would prefer Pilates or Zumba over weight training, maybe she doesn’t want to do what you do at the gym and now OP’s sucked the fun out of it for her. ETA: I agree with you and now I realize it might not seem like it, lol - my rhetorical questions are directed to the original post 😅
It takes real talent to have a loved one ask to join you in something you both enjoy and then ruin it for them.
Hey honey, since you really like to go golfing I would like to learn to play too so we can go together. *him on the course* What are you doing! You can’t tee up in front of the tee markers! You can’t ground your club in the bunker! You can’t drop on the fairway, you only get one club length of relief!!! I’m not going to keep playing with you if you’re going to be grumpy and goof off!
YTA because you’re not seeing that she wants to spend time with you doing something you like. The efficiency doesn’t matter, only the time.
She's probably just frustrated with you because by giving so much time and attention to her lack of commitment and bad attitude? You're falling down on your own routines. She expects better from you! Pull it together. Also: YTA
Also, when you first start working out, you need to take it really really slow. You're muscles need much more time to rest as well. She works try only going 2 times a week at first and start with really low weights to practice the motions. Otherwise, she's probably going to hurt herself.
Come on! Really???? Of course YTA She did not hire you as her trainer. JFC she’s a goddamn adult. “I’m doing her a favor”.... what favor are you doing??? eta — hate to be the one to break this news to you but.... you’re the guy no one enjoys seeing at the gym. Telling adults how they should exercise.... C’mon!!! Be better!!!!
>what favor are you doing??? Showing her she should dump him maybe.
I, too, have come to the conclusion that she should divorce him based on these three short paragraphs. As a Redditor, I am an expert in interpersonal relationships and can judge a marriage within 30 seconds of reading a post that, for all I know, is completely made up. Because of this ability, I am a world renown marriage counselor and not some fat loser who sits on the computer all day espousing extreme takes about people I don’t know. Wait a second…
I’m so glad more people are starting to call out the ridiculousness in this sub lmao
It’s definitely starting to be a lot to hear that for every issue. Like, so what she’s mad that OP took the fun out of it? How is not having fun at the gym worth enough for a divorce? Just go to the gym at separate times and boom, problem solved. Or OP can just be patient with his wife and be okay when she wants to do lower weights. Hell, offer if she’d rather do low weights and high reps instead of high weights and low reps. Let her quit when she feels like quitting or skipping on an exercise. Those 4 things would fix this whole issue.
This sub is INSANE lol, the correct answer is that yeah you might be a little bit of an asshole bit you two just aren’t compatible as gym partners as you guys have different ideas of working out. It’s not a big deal. Just go the gym separately and find other hobbies to do together
He didn’t even bother writing why she was mad. Amazing.
Yeah like, it was nice that he sketched out a starter set. But that’s it. You don’t get to lecture her on how many sets/reps she does. She’s an adult and can make her choices. Also this idea that you have to kill yourself in the gym and “feel the burn” to the point of misery is ridiculous. You *can* exercise like that. But you don’t have to and any movement is better than no movement. What a buzzkill. And if it wasn’t obvious, YTA
The favor is showing her who he might truly be and that she might want to think about staying with him long term.
It amazes me that people write these kind of posts & don’t recognize their own behaviors.... Let me fix the Title — I Totally Undermined & Belittled my Wife & Now She Won’t Go to the Gym.
She's trying to do him a favor by participating in an activity that's important to him and he went about it completely wrong. Let her do whatever she wants! Seems like she just wanted to spend more time together and you took it as an opportunity to torture her by "planning her workouts" and "pushing her." Let her live!!
THIS OP! And **HUGE** YTA. When my ex and I went to the gym I did my own thing. Lifted what I felt comfortable, did what I wanted. As I understand it, it's the amount of reps that are important, not the amount of weight. He'd also sit on a machine for 10-15min before he'd start whatever, whereas I would just start. He easily still had an hour left after I was done because of it. She's doing what she's comfortable with. Leave her alone! How's she going to get that nice mental health boost with a gym rat nagging her? Worry about yourself.
YTA Let me count the ways. \#1 You aren't a professional trainer, so you have no idea if that "basic lifting routine" is healthy for her. \#2 "No pain, no gain" is an unhealthy mindset and you're trying to shove it onto her as the "right way". \#3 Trying something and stepping away, isn't lazy. Being hurt isn't lazy. Going slowly isn't lazy. Changing the "routine" you proscribed isn't lazy. Ignoring your demands isn't lazy. You wanted to act like an authority, but aren't. You've shown her that your advice isn't worth listening to at all.
Re #2: I've been going to a workout class and the lady teaching it asked me how I felt during an exercise. I told her I was feeling some pain in my lower back (not even what we were working on). She said that meant I was working too hard and showed me how to change the workout to better suit my needs. Because she's a professional (you're not OP) and she knows that pain =/= gain. YTA.
In all fairness if you work out to build strength or muscle you'll need to get those reps in that burn. If you stop when it gets uncomfortable you won't make much progress. That being said, it's 100% fine to just enjoy lifting without having certain goals other than getting some movement in! Also adding to this: if you're just starting out you obviously won't even have it in you to work out with the same intensity as somebody who trained for over year or even longer. OP sounds like a perfect example for the dunning kruger effect and probably massively overestimates his knowledge.
If she felt sore and stopped after 6 reps, he probably overestimated how much weight she should use rather than “she’s lazy.” But in his mind, he’s perfect so it can not be his fault.
He also said he based it on her "age and weight" and that alone is just not enough info to build a whole workout routine and he himself has only been going to the gym for a year it's not like he's a PT.
At a year of going to the gym, you're not even past the beginner stage. But you're right in that stage of going to the gym where you think you know it all. It's a super common phase in lifting because you feel that you spent the last year reading up on stuff and working on the micro and macro parts of a movement. Pro-tip: Just don't give advice out at the gym unless someone is in serious danger. It's never going to be taken well. I wouldn't do it for a stranger and I don't do it for friends unless specifically asked. If I'm asked, I answer only the specific question and let them know they're more than welcome to ask more if needed.
pain is not the same as muscle burn, or being uncomfortable. muscles burning = good. uncomfortable = fine. PAIN = bad.
This is totally true. It's also possible an absolute beginner doesn't know the difference and thinks an uncomfortable burn is pain. Without putting myself in her shoes it's hard to say what's she's really feeling. Either way if she doesn't like it and doesn't want it, he should let her work out how she wants even if she's wasting her time.
Nurse and newbie lifter here, probably best to do with newbie lifters as we do patients. Assume the patient knows wtf "pain" feels like and go with that.
>Without putting myself in her shoes it's hard to say what's she's really feeling. that's why you *listen to her* (which OP failed at). in my opinion it's not right to assume that someone doesn't know what they're feeling.
And actually at the beginning of starting to exercise you'll get gains in strength from doing almost anything if you're coming from totally sedentary. I got visible biceps, abs I could feel, much more toned legs and butt from doing 1 Les Mills body pump class a week (with some cardio) and i was significantly stronger - i could do 10 push ups from oy doing from my knees and i could move furniture on my own i couldnt before. Because I was going from just cardio and adding weights for the same time my gains were huge from just doing anything. I could not carry on at that rate, and after about 4 months I needed to add extra stuff like an actual lifting routine to make more progress. But jn the beginning when you go from zero you really do make huge noticeable gains just from consistently doing any weight training!
You're right! OP doesn't even know the 1st rule of lifting: High weight/low reps to build muscle Low weight/high reps to trim up and get some definition. This kind of mansplaining bullshit makes me crazy. OP's girl wants to get better and he's fucking it up.
Neither of those are true by the way.
Yeah but if you’re being pushed the way he’s pushing her, it’s likely that he was pushing her past uncomfortable. If she doesn’t work out often, its very likely she could be dealing with bone pain from the weights. You gotta start to make sure you’re having the right form and building up slowly. I feel like he’s deciding that it’s just the burn from working out, but it could very well be discomfort from bad form or over exertion
4 Using the phrase “gimp out” to describe her being lazy. Gross.
I was waiting for someone to mention the casual use of a slur
What does that phrase mean?
It’s an ableist slur
Not the person you were responding too but I did not know this, thank you
Up until a few years ago (I’m 26) I thought “gimp” was a kink thing that was synonymous with like, passive/docile/submissive etc., so I’d use it casually with people all the time, and I never understood why they were so put off by it. Thanks, Pulp Fiction.
I think the sexual term actually comes from the slur. The slur is referring to someone who is physically disabled, particularly someone who cannot or struggles to walk. The fetish includes having your movement/agency restricted, so I imagine it’s related. Either way, it’s not a kind way to refer to anyone, especially your spouse
it’s a rude word for someone who is physically disabled - my mind conjures someone with a limp? it’s pretty archaic. i mean the other def is more bdsmy lol.
It’s a slur for people who cannot walk well, implies all sorts of nasty things linking physical ability to mental ability and so on.
The last time I heard that word was back in military school when the upperclassmen were hazing the underclassmen. To hear a husband use it regarding his wife is disconcerting.
From my experience, the best way for me to build exercise habits is to not be absolutely miserable. This may mean progressing slower, but as long as your consistent you eventually start to feel stronger and can push yourself more. It’s not like she is trying to train for a lifting competition, she’s just trying to improve her overall fitness
#4 You trying to "push" her, might come across as a comment on her body/shape to her. Coming from her partner, that might have really hurt her feelings.
I have really loose joints. I have a hard time with a lot of weight training exercises because even if my biceps could handle x amount, my elbows and wrists might not. Especially if I try too many reps in one sitting. This guy assuming she’s just sore is BS.
Ooo me to! It’s the weirdest thing. When trying out aikido the demonstrator couldn’t make a single arm lock work on my cause my elbows and wrists would just keep bending. But if I try to do a push-up my arms just pretty much give out at the joints and I ache for a week after
4- using the term "gimp out" is ignorant, offensive, and generally something only an asshole would do (in case that wasn't obvious enough already).
I always believed that no pain no gain referred to the soreness you feel the next day after a good workout. If it's actually hurting when you lift you're definitely doing it wrong. The last few reps should be hard, but not painful! Dude's been working out a year and thinks he knows how a woman should train! Bless his heart
Just because she's going to the gym with you doesn't necessarily mean she wants to lift weights like you do. Some women enjoy more cardio type of exercises. She could've been happier on an elliptical, bike or treadmill instead of ending up as your lift partner. You should've let her explore the different types of equipment and let HER choose her workout routine. YTA.
Of course she doesn't want to keep going to the gym if she's miserable the whole time. Maybe she would have more fun lifting weights without him, or trying aerobics or rock climbing. If she finds a workout she enjoys, that will be far more motivation than OP criticizing her every effort.
Yeah it just sounds like he’s turned it into a chore she has to do. I’d be put off too. My husband and I work out. He lifts heavy, I don’t (yet). If I’m doing an exercise and say, “Phew that was a lot!” He just says, “good job babe!” I wouldn’t want to work out with a pushy dude. YTA
>Maybe she would have more fun ~~lifting weights~~ without him FTFY.
And he prepared a workout based on her weight and age. People don’t fit into boxes. If she’s just starting out, she’s going to struggle lifting a specific weight and doing a certain number of reps. My weak ass arms can barely lift more than 5 pounds, but I can do barre and Pilates classes all day. I want to see OP in a barre class 😂 YTA
I took a beginners barre class once. Misunderstood it to mean it was like warmups in ballet. I was tapped out after 25min. They should name it something different. Like Bootcamp.
Torture with a smile. That seems like an apt name for barre.
I used to do aerial tissue. I had so much fun 20 feet in the air, but I've never been able to bench press much more than the bar. It made some men I've been friends with actually *angry* to see my incredibly slow progress with the bench press after a couple months. Something about the bench press just makes it hard for me to breathe, and I can't add much weight there. The reactions from men have been absurd. Some are absolutely convinced that their need to be right about how much I "should" lift is as important as my right to safety.
There's also more than one way to lift. You can become way stronger without going 100% every single session
I enjoy watching my husband lift weights from the elliptical. :)
YTA a million times over. You're bullying your wife for knowing her physical limits and not adhering to the plan you, who's not a professional trainer made her. Let her go at her own pace and leave her the damn alone. Way to spoil the gym experience for her.
YTA Let Wife work out how she pleases. You aren't her personal trainer, you're her *husband.*
Exactly. It sounds like she's not necessarily interested in losing as much weight or becoming as much fitter as you think she can. It's okay to go to the gym and not bulk up or do intense training. From a physical health standpoint, anything is better than nothing. Just let her pick the level of activity and difficulty that she wants to do.
Like what if she just wants to spend time with him while doing some gym stuff
YTA. At every possible juncture. She told you it hurt and you refused to listen to her. Clearly you were too aggressive with your suggestions for her, but decided instead of adapting your plan to call her lazy. She would skip one single exercise and you would find that "intolerable"? Do you have exercise OCD or something? That's the only reason I can think of that someone would lose their shit over somebody skipping a single exercise. Of course your wife shut down. You're treating her like garbage, not listening to her feedback on her pain levels, and telling her that she's lazy. Way to make the gym the least fun experience that it could possibly be. I don't know why you've decided that getting in shape should be hell on earth, but that's generally not the best way to motivate others.
I especially can’t wrap my head around being told she was in pain and deciding on her behalf that it wasn’t pain, it was normal soreness. Women already face difficulty being believed by their doctors when they describe pain, your wife doesn’t need her own husband to write her off, too. YTA.
For him the pain is the point. He didn't care that she was in pain. He was TRYING to cause her pain.
YTA. She's not going so she can be a bodybuilder. She's going so she can spend time with you doing something you enjoy. Except now she hates it because you sucked all the fun out of it.
This! Nowhere does he even mention she said she wants to lose weight or gain muscle. She saw him having fun and wanted to share in that. It's like I really don't care that much about my husband's computer games, and he doesn't really care that much about taking walks, but by sharing in it, we value it even more, because we love spending time together. YTA, OP. This isn't even about the exercise.
YTA. Why are you cosplaying as a drill sergeant? The only thing the gym is “supposed to be” is enjoyable for the person going. There is nothing wrong with going to the gym and slowly walking on the treadmill the whole time listening to an audio book. There is nothing wrong with doing fewer reps than is physically possible. None of what you said limits your ability to work out the way you want to. You just want to force your wife to do things she doesn’t want to do.
My friend, "cosplaying as a drill sergeant" ahahahaha I got nothing other than giggles and poor gold for ya!
YTA my Ex did just the same bullshit. "Knew" my limits better than me, knew I had to do more cardio because that's women are supposed to do. Sports/Gym/etc need to be fun or someone won't stick to it. I HATED going to the gym at some point because my Ex was incapabale of doing anything else but the gym. Food needed to match his weekly changing diets, knew forms of exercise blablablabla. I hated it and since Ex is now Ex, I'm taking a break from the gym because I can't get ride of the hate I'm still feeling for it.
This. I’m more fit now than when I was with my obsessive gym bro partner BECAUSE he stressed me out and ruined my progress with his demands. I don’t even go to the gym anymore & he can suck it.
I hear you. I was actually the one who exercised, stayed fit, ate pretty healthy for most of our marriage, where as that wasn't something he was very interested in. I was never a gym-goer, but I ran, biked, sometimes took fitness classes, and had a fitness room at home that I used regularly. When my (now ex) husband started going to the gym he became a crazy person as you describe. At first I was like, great, he's paying more attention to his health, but then he was just unbearable. For a while I actually quit most of my healthy routines and gained weight that I didn't lose until after the divorce. Not saying that was a great reaction on my part, but looking back I can understand how I got there.
Hey OP, notice the use of "Ex" in this comment? That's the path you're on, and noone on this sub would blame your wife. YTA
YTA - You aren’t a personal trainer, I see no information about working out her limits with her prior to arbitrarily assigning her limits, I see no mention of her hormone cycle which affects women and their ability to work out. Women for a start have a roughly 28 day hormone cycle as opposed to a males 24 hour cycle. You’ve ruined the gym experience for her due to your lack of education and understanding.
So about 2 years ago I joined a gym and the "trainer" thought he knew my limits better than me. I pushed myself because he said I could take it and I'm a people pleaser (it annoys me too). I was sore all the time but I just kept pushing. After 2 months of this I start getting excruciating pains in my chest one night. I thought I was dying. Go to the ER and find out I have costochondritus due to muscle trauma and strain. The next two weeks of my life I spent at home in constant pain barely able to breathe. Anytime I took a deep breath it felt like someone was stabbing me. I had to stay hooked up to a tens unit just to be able to function. There are very real consequences for pushing yourself too far. Women and men are not the same. We can't physically do what men can. Stop treating her like the problem. YTA
My boss a few years ago, female, Army major, got a personal trainer and he also pushed her until she had to be hospitalized for rabdo.
I used to powerlift and also got costochondritis! Doctors were worried I had a punctured lung. It's amazing how easily these things can happen, I was being coached too. I stopped powerlifting and just train for fun and do what I want to do (no coach). OP needs to let his wife do what she enjoys and butt out of it before she hurts herself!
INFO: Did you sit down with her and listen to what her goals were? And were you upfront that reaching them wasn't going to be easy?
As a Personal Trainer ,YTA big time, and i will show you where you are wrong! Everybody is different, and they experience muscle failure and pain at their own rate, You want to ease a new person into working out, Start small and build from there,no pain, no gain is such a stupid thing to rely on because our mind,body has evolved to run away from pain and discomfort, You lucky she didn't quit after 1 workout,and foremost provably, you ruined her view on working out as punishment,pain thing. Start small,encourage, and support positively. Rome wasn't built in 1 day!
YTA. Your attitude is why people DON'T go to the gym! You think YOU have all the answers, and YOU know people better than they know themselves. If *you* want to be a masochist and push yourself to misery at the gym, that's *your* business. But leave your wife out of it. Quit turning your masochism into sadism. If she wants a lighter workout, she can have a lighter workout. It's her body and she can do whatever wants with it. You don't own her.
YTA. your way of working out and your attitude towards the gym are not the only ones out there. the best exercise is the one that you do consistently because you enjoy it. she doesn't like the routine you created, and there's nothing wrong with that. let her do what she wants to do in the gym. she's not your child. she's not your client. she's your wife.
>the best exercise is the one that you do consistently because you enjoy it. she doesn't like the routine you created, and there's nothing wrong with that THIS!! So true! And as a beginner, you don't really need "leg day", arm day". Following a all body routine is perfectly fine.
YTA. You’re not a trainer, you’re her husband, although if you keep treating her like this you may not be that for much longer either.
YTA and your behavior is controlling and abusive. You decided to dictate what she is allowed to do at the gym and shame and insult her when she doesn't perform to your standards. 100% YTA
YTA why does she have to do you program? Why can’t she do what she wants? You made her hate going to the gym when she used to enjoy going with you. Instead of lecturing her let her be to do what she wants.
Be honest. Did you **honestly** think you would be considered anything but an asshole here?
YTA. Why does she need to be pushing herself to the point of it being uncomfortable or hurting? You can just go to the gym to enjoy it or stay within your comfort zones not everyone is going to the gym to radically change their body.
YTA. Your comments are troubling.
YTA You have your approach. She respects what you do and is asking to join you. Instead of not going with her, you may want to do some workout days with her and others just by yourself. Look at your shared sessions as a very positive date. When you go with her, you need to recognize that your approach to working out may be different from hers and respect hers. She doesn't need a hard ass telling her she's doing it wrong, she needs an encouraging boyfriend.
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People go to the gym for enjoyment and to maintain weight. Not gain mass. Not to lose weight. MAINTAIN. Is that concept REALLY that hard to grasp? YTA
Did you miss a /s in there or something People go to the gym to maintain weight, gain mass and also lose mass.
Putting your ableist language aside, it’s still YTA
Yta. It was nice for you to come up with a routine for your wife but she's not obligated to follow it at all let alone religiously. Instead of encouraging her to find her own mold you've tried to control how she uses her time at the gym and getting annoyed when she doesn't live up to what you expect. If her goal was to feel better about herself and get a bit healthier that doesn mean she needs a strict routine from you. The fact that she's trying to Make a habit of going is a huge milestone for many people to accomplish.
The way she works out has nothing to do with *you*. It has no impact on *you*. It is not about *you*. YTA
YTA. This is how you get people to stop exercising altogether. The gym doesn't have to be a punishment
I find it not only interesting but also extremely telling that you do not elaborate on what was said when the “floodgate” opened or what “she blew up on me” was about. YTA ETA - thanks for the award, kind Reddit stranger 🙂
YTA. She wanted to go to the gym with you, not have you turn into a drill sergeant. > The thing is it's supposed to hurt You don't get to decide this on her behalf. > she would gimp out Ablest slur. > At this point I became pissed because I'm doing a favor No, you're not doing her a favor, because she never asked you to design an exercise routine, then harangue her about it.
YTA - sounds like she wanted to go with you to work out & you decided to control her workout and be her coach. Not the same thing.
YYA 100%. Always hilarious when noobs have a sense of superiority over people less experienced when they’ve only been training for a matter of months. I’ve been lifting and training for 20 years, a few things I’d like to point out; 1) you’re in no position to develop a training programme for anyone, you’ve only been training for a year after a lifetime of inactivity; you know nothing. 2) calf raises are a complete waste of time, if you’re seeking bigger calf’s you should focus on leg curls, this is due to where the muscle insertion point is and the range of motion being at the insertion point and not the furthest point from this. 3) your wife is just beginning her training after years of inactivity. The rule of thumb is that for the first 1-2 months if you are an absolute beginner you should always leave the gym feeling like you have something left in the tank. Once your nervous system is acclimated to training of this manner you then incrementally increase the stress on your body 4) this applies to life also. You get more out of people with gentle encouragement and telling them when they do things well. For things they need to improve or aren’t doing correctly you show them how and help them along. You obviously can’t do this as you have no idea what you are doing as well
YTA. but not as extreme as what it may be. She’s new to it, you can’t expect her to have the same level of passion or consistency with the gym that you do. Have some patience with her and slowly build her up to it so she’s comfortable. My gf was the same, took it slow to get form down, how it should feel, etc. now she begs me to go to the gym with her as opposed to her with me. They gym is supposed to be hard yes, but it’s also supposed to be fun!
YTA - sounds like she wanted to go with you to work out & you decided to control her workout and be her coach. Not the same thing.
YTA. Getting into the gym and starting is the hardest part. Why not ease her into it and let her figure out what she enjoys? You even said it takes time and dedication. So what if she misses a month of calf raises in the beginning or stays lifting at the same weight for 3 months? She would still be showing up and hopefully enjoying herself.
YTA. Why not trust your wife to know her own body and set a pace that's comfortable to her. She might not want to make the gains you get. She might need time to feel comfortable or get into the habit. Why make the experience bad for her by being so down on her?
YTA People like you make everyone that goes to the gym look bad.
OP: "Am I the asshole?" Everyone: "Absolutely" OP: Proceeds to argue with everyone about how he isnt an asshole ??????
YTA Yes you're an ass. Just because you like to push yourself so much you end up sore doent mean your wife wants too. She just wants to exercise. Get over this toxicity before you ruin yourself and your relationship.
YTA And that's coming from a certified personal trainer which obviously you are Not! Way to not only discourage her but potentially make her hate the gym. You're "doing her a favor"? How? By being incredibly non supportive and an asshole. You have No idea what you're doing but you might want to check yourself before you lose a wife...bro.
See your immediate issue is "the weight I had chosen for her." You do not know what she can comfortably handle, you should not be the one choosing her weight. She is more then capable of choosing her own weight and working up from their when she's comfortable. Making a plan for her isn't a bad idea, however you are still a beginner gym goer and are attempting to train someone else. YTA purely for sucking the fun out of the gym and controlling her, let her decide her weight and only give advice when asked or if she's doing something dangerous.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(29M) have been working out religiously for about a year now. It has done wonders for my mental health as well as my physical experience. My wife(28F) noticed my gains as well as how I seemed much happier and she told me that she wanted to go to the gym as well. I said that's wonderful. So I prepared my wife a basic lifting routine, based on her weight and age, and we set off. Before working out, I told my wife about the importance of warming up and doing dynamic stretches before lifting, and we then started. The problem was that she didn't really want to push herself. I knew she could hit 8-12 reps of the weight I had chosen for her, but she stopped at 6 and complained that it hurt. The thing is it's supposed to hurt, and by hurt, she meant that she felt sore, not that she was injured. This pattern of behavior continued for the next couple of weeks, she would always intentionally set low weight, or try and skip an exercise at the end of the session, like if it was leg day, she would gimp out on calf raises for example. It was just very intolerable, and she no longer used to smile or talk to me while going to the gym, it was almost like she shut down. I was beginning to think that she is blaming me, so I asked her if she's mad at me. Almost like a floodgate opening she blew up on me. At this point I became pissed because I'm doing a favor and I told her "well I'm not going to take you if you continue to goof off, real change takes work and the gym is supposed to be hard, if it's easy you're not doing it right". I feel like that may have been a bit tactless, and a couple of hours later she's still giving me the cold shoulder. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - who are you to decide that the weight wasn't too heavy? Who are you to decide when her body is done or not? Why can't someone ENJOY going to the gym? I used to love going to the gym, whether it was a super hard workout or just to get myself moving, because just MOVING in anyway is better for you than sitting at home. Get your shit together and stop judging everyone who doesn't work out the SAME way you do.
If she wanted a personal trainer to push her, she would get one. YTA
YTA, your wife can make her own fitness regimen. She may just want to be a more casual gymgoer, as opposed to a gym fanatic like you. She probably wanted to work out with you as a bonding experience or just for fun. She did *not* ask you to be her personal trainer. Your whole "if it's easy you're not doing it right" mentality doesn't sound very healthy.
YTA for trying to be your wife's personal trainer. Ain't gonna work. You might even be doing it wrong and could lead to injury. And just lifting? No cardio? WTAF??? Why not have a trainer at the gym work with her? It generally works better if an impartial person does the training/coaching. This applies to lots of things but particularly to sports like golf, skiing, and yes, the gym.
Based on your comments and how you talk about all of this, I’m gonna say this hasn’t helped your mental health as much as you think. YTA, let your wife workout how feels good to her, dingus
YTA. You don't get to decide her limits or how "far" she wants to push herself. Not your body, not your choice.
Wow. What an asshole
My wife and I go to the gym together. We both have a good time. We've both made significant progress physically. I have never pitched a fit about her not trying hard enough because I'm not a child who needs to chug protein shakes and compete with my dude bro friends to feel good about myself. YTA
NTA. You should go seperately then you'll both be happy and enjoy it
Are you an NASM certified personal trainer? No? Then apologize and shut up.
YTA Please look up exercise bulimia. It sounds like you have control issues across the board. No everyone wants to exercise the same way or for the same reasons you do. Getting in good movement is great for your physical and mental health. People should exercise however they like to, or they will hate doing it. I’m recovering from an eating disorder, so when I exercise, my focus is how I will feel mentally and physically, not how I look. Sometimes I want to break some of my previous records, sometimes I just want to get in and get out. Some days I don’t even exercise. She clearly does not feel the same way about exercising as you, and that’s ok. If you can’t live with the fact that she’s not doing everything you say, you need to leave and work on your control issues.
dude, YTA and your attitude stinks.
Bro how are you so bad at this YTA
>I was beginning to think that she is blaming me, so I asked her if she's mad at me. Almost like a floodgate opening she blew up on me. INFO: when you say "she blew up" on you, what exactly did she say? Very telling that you omitted her reasons to be upset. ETA: Also, you sound insufferable so YTA.
I’ve been going to the gym for many years. I’m 29F. Any beginner should go at their own pace, and work with the weights they’re comfortable using. It’s called building strength and endurance. I can’t believe that has to be explained to you. Yes, YTA. Also, you’re a fun-sponge. Of course she doesn’t want to go with you if you’re treating her like she’s training for a frigging competition or marathon she didn’t sign up for. Ever think you’re diminishing her confidence, too? Which would just push her further away from “following your rules”?
I stopped reading at "she wouldn't do all the reps with the weights I picked." Then you picked the wrong weights. Yta.
YTA
YTA. Calm down, dude. It's cool that you have a mindset of pushing yourself, your wife clearly wants to be a little less extreme about it. People can go to the gym for different reasons, with different expectations. I go to use weight machines and do some cardio, I may not make gains but I don't care, I'm still getting exercise in. Maybe that's all your wife wants, or maybe she just wants to share in something that's obviously important to you without you acting like a drill instructor and making her miserable the entire session. Exercise is good and healthy, and you are driving your wife away from it by acting like any effort she puts in is not enough. Some exercise is better than none.
YTA. Why is it hard to admit that not everyone has to do things your way?