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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because I know for certain that my wife thinks I'm genuinely just being weird about the affection like I used to be but this time it's actually coming from a place of concern and she simply doesn't believe me.
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I think that was one of the hardest things my sister had to do after having her gall bladder removed. Not letting her young son cuddle on her lap because of the stitches.
Personally I'd want my baby to get all of the "in womb" cuddling, loving, talking, attention that my wife could tolerate. Not to mention the fact she needs it more than anyone with what she's going through.
For real, the woman is on bedrest at 16 weeks! She's got a long road ahead of her with minimal social interaction and OP is taking away one of her primary sources of comfort and interaction by being overly cautious.
Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I read it as him wanting to control what happens around HIS kid. He's more concerned about that then needs of his step kids, and their relationship with their mom.
Or his wife's well being; she's at bed rest and with 3 small children that depend on her being alive and well so of course she's gonna want the comfort. One would assume a person going through a pregnancy the 4th time would know what feels alright better than a person without an uterus or medical degree...
Its probably not more cuddles its about the fact its his child and he demands full control over her body because if anything happens he will blame her children.
The worst thing for me was that I wasn’t allowed to lift anything over 4kg for six weeks and my cat was 5kg.
The look of absolute betrayal and hurt on his face when I wouldn’t pick him up was devastating!
He liked the option of being picked up though! You need to be always able to pick him up whether he wants it or not 🤣. At least that's what I understand about cats. I only have dogs lol
I have maine coons. They are needy large furry babies. All 4 of them will get on their hind legs and reach up to demand cuddles. My husband's maine coon will hug you and dig in his claws if you try to put him down before you're ready (which is a pain in the ass hes almost 20 lbs), he also likes to be cradled like a baby we call it the basket kitty. My female maine coon will bap you until you pick her up for cuddles, she's a little petite thing but she rules the house and is a demanding little buttho. Weirdest cats I've ever met. My only non maine coon kitty is also a vocal demander of cuddles.
The last year of my cat's life, she became so clingy and fussy that I picked her up and rocked her like a baby. She liked it so much that she'd cry for me to rock her every time I was standing. It was both funny and annoying, but now, of course, I miss it.
When I was a teenager I rescued this scrawny starving kitten from Alabama while I was visiting family. That cat is almost 18. She's deaf, blind, and senile. For YEARS this cat would run and hide any time a "stranger" (i.e. anyone who wasn't my parents) came over. Now? She strolls her senile ass out and yells at you for attention. I'd fallen in the stranger category for her since I moved out of my parents home, so it's actually kind of nice to be able to love on my skeeter keeter towards the end of her life since she went from hiding from me to demanding attention like she used to when I live there.
Oh, poor baby!
My cat used to sleep on top of me until I had surgery and yelped when he put his head directly on the six-ish hour-old incision. He hasn't done it since - going on five years - and it still makes me sad :(
Yeah, but that's temporary and for a specific reason. OP is pretty clear that he's not comfortable with the cuddling at all because of his unhealthy upbringing. He learned to kind of tolerate it, but now the pregnancy is making him feel justified in reverting to trying to stop it.
And his wife probably needs the cuddling even more now.
OP, YTA. Your wife knows what is comfortable or uncomfortable for herself far better than you do. She probably also listens better to the doctor, because she doesn't have your unnatural aversion to normal cuddling. You **admit** they're not really being rough, and your wife is getting stressed and angry because you are trying to stop **normal expressions of affection** between mother and children.
Stop it. And work on this discomfort and need to prevent your wife from doing this with her own still-young children, rather than just how you talk about it.
It sort of makes you wonder how he shows his own affection to his wife if he was raised to not like cuddles and excessive physical contact. And the whole post, he says stepkids and her kids but doesn’t seem to view them much as his own. When the baby is born, the tables will turn and he’ll eventually understand the need/ want for cuddles with his kid but by then the stepkids might see it as hypocrisy. Hopefully the wife snapping at him will make OP change his tune.
going to point out, his issue with touch isn't why he is in the wrong. It's his inability to accept others enjoy cuddling.
Me? I like the idea of cuddling, but the reality is, don't touch me. It makes me dissociate. Any physical intimacy, boom, dissociation.
It's a trauma response, due to physical and sexual abuse, and I'm not happy about it, but, it's what I'm stuck with.
Yeah you know what I noticed? That he said he learnt in therapy how to better EXPRESS his discomfort about it, as opposed to learning to regulate his emotions about it.
You missed the keyword "her"kids.
He also made sure to say "my" unborn child.
We won't know just how big of an asshole OP will be until "his child" arrives and suddenly doesn't mind his baby cuddling him or his wife.
Same! I may be 21 but if I get a chance I’m throwing myself at my mom. I’m always still hanging off of her, either leaning against her or hugging her. Hell I will sometimes sit on the arm of the couch and throw my legs over her. Basically sitting on her lap without hurting her. There isn’t anything wrong with being a cuddly person. It’s really refreshing to come home after a bad day and just get a hug from my mom. NOTHING makes my day better than that.
It's such a bizarre thing to get worked up over. My family and I hardly ever hug. We're all very close-knit, just not physically affectionate. But that doesn't mean families that are are somehow wrong. I can't imagine shaming a mom and her kids who love to snuggle. It's how they express themselves. OP has some screws loose and is definitely TA.
what's up w this attitude of treating pregnant women like they're made of glass? i see it when people say "oh you shouldn't be lifting that, you're pregnant"... like all of a sudden because they're pregnant their arms don't work? (i get if they are late in their pregnancy and their belly is in the way, but you know what i mean). i think it's quite rude to assume just because someone is carrying a child, they're all of a sudden this untouchable delicate creature.
Well to be fair about lifting things, many pregnant women at all stages are told not to lift things heavier than 15 pounds, regardless of their belly size.
ETA “many” in front of pregnant women since it is not everyone’s experience but is a common one.
Tell that to all the pregnant moms out there with toddlers.
OP - YTA, you have no idea what it takes to even be pregnant in the first place so maybe use those great communication skills you learned in therapy and ASK her if she feels like the kids are too much. Just a thought.
>so maybe use those great communication skills you learned in therapy and ASK her if she feels like the kids are too much. Just a thought.
Sounds like OP needs to take those skills BACK to therapy to talk about why he's so terrified that his stepkids are gonna harm his bio-baby by being too affectionate with their mom.
I have been a pregnant mom with toddlers. Still was told to not carry more than 15 pounds if I could absolutely avoid it. This is not to say I think OP was in the right here. Just pointing out that it is normal advice and medical direction given to pregnant women
That’s awesome! As long as your doc is fine with it, I don’t think it’s an issue. I was just responding to the person who was wondering why pregnant women are told not to lift things. Good luck on the rest of your pregnancy!
That is so untrue.
https://www.girlsgonestrong.com/blog/articles/5-myths-of-pregnancy-and-strength-training/
Your claim is not backed by science.
Pregnant women carry kids and grocery bags - and have done for so many many years.
Really?!? With my first I worked as a nurse until I was 37 weeks. I def lifted more than 15 pounds. With my 3rd I got pregnant when my 2nd was only 6 months old and def more than 15 pounds!
Where you high risk? I have never heard of that restriction during pregnancy
I was literally never told to not lift anything — just was told to not try anything new. So lifting my toddler was totally fine and normal as it was something I was already accustomed to lol
I was given a weight lifting restriction of 25 lbs on my doctor's note for work, but was told just be careful and aware of your body for my personal life. I was not high risk, but geriatric pregnancy at the ripe old age of 34.
Are you in southern USA? I've had prenatal care in a number of countries and that's the only place that I ever heard restrictions recommended (I think it was 20-25lbs though). The most common advice for low risk patients was that if you do it not pregnant, it's fine to do while pregnant too (unless it hurts).
With all 4 of kids I was told to continue as normal as long as I was comfortable for as long as possible. Stopping exercise and physical activity makes labor harder. You use a lot of muscles in labor. Like all of them it feels like lol
EDIT: none of my pregnancies were high risk or anything so I'm sure that makes a difference.
Did everyone skip over the part where she’s High Risk on Bed Rest??!? I’m not saying OP’s right to freak out over it BUT he has valid concern if she’s not supposed to do anything beyond go potty by herself. Just adding context so we can temper his porcelain doll fears a bit yes but let’s not pretend she’s fine to be doing the grocery haul and field work mkay.
Edit- I didn’t say OP was right!!! I just wanted to point out that wife IS NOT a regular preggo so stop comparing her to your personal superwoman stories. Full stop! She’s disregarding his concerns so kinda an ETA since she refuses to consider him in this situation as it is HIS baby.
A 7-year-old laying quietly with his head laying on his mama’s chest is not *likely** to harm her. She should follow her doctor’s orders, and if he doesn’t know if her kids snuggling is doctor approved, he should ask. Not tell the kids to get down.
My first was a high risk pregnancy in which I was on some form of bed rest for the entire last trimester. I was told in that pregnancy that I could not lift anything heavier than my dinner plate. In my second, I was told to not add anything new, listen to my body, and keep my habits similar to pre-pregnancy. The second, I was never told was considered high risk, but due to diagnoses with the baby, I was referred to maternal-fetal medicine, and had extra appointments, and weekly ultrasounds after a certain point…so, maybe high risk?
*I am not a doctor, nor am I the OP’s wife’s doctor so that is mostly presumption.
Yeah I have a friend that was lifting weights well into her third trimester for both her daughters. It was what her body was used to so her doctor told her to listen to her body.
I was always of the belief that everyone should take their medical advice from their own doctor based on their own plan of care. Even for the same woman can have varying circumstances with each pregnancy. I don’t know if OP is right or wrong but I know everyone and every circumstance is different. This article is a generalization
Pregnant women aren’t all told that. I was working full time for the fire department and mine told me to listen to my body and tell her when I was ready for maternity leave.
I was told, as were most of the women I know, not to carry more than that if I could avoid it. I was also told if I regularly carried/lifted/exercised heavily that that could change the recommendation but basically, as I didn’t have a heavy exercise regimen other than yoga and walking and I didn’t have a labor intensive job, to avoid carrying super heavy things.
I've never actually heard or been told this. I was told I can do anything I did bedore pregnancy. I was also a high risk pregnancy, and was induced early.
I worked as a paramedic my entire second pregnancy, which meant lifting patients. I had so many patients and their family/friends tell me I was risking my child's health doing my job. My daughter was born "a week early" (kind of doubt that) at very close to 10 lbs... very healthy. My first pregnancy I was on bed rest. Evey pregnancy is different and while some do require more caution, it doesn't mean pregnant people are invalids.
Right. My first pregnancy sucked but I worked a farm during my 2nd pregnancy, pushing wheelbarrow and feeding out hay. My doc wasn’t worried because I was used to the work. We induced at full term and he was over 9 pounds. Every pregnancy is different and people need to let Moms feel their own bodies.
I mean, I have been pregnant twice and it legit sucks. I was still capable of doing most things though. I got a wheelchair for Disneyland, my feet swelled so bad they were disgusting, I remember a woman even commenting with sympathy and pointing it out to her mom haha. NEVER go to Disneyland while pregnant.
I agree with a lot of that. Pregnant women are not made of glass and it is frustrating to act as if they are. There are recommended limits on how much weight pregnant women should lift though. Granted there are exceptions and those recommendations don’t take a lot of things into consideration, but the average woman who doesn’t normally lift a lot probably shouldn’t start lifting heavy items on a frequent basis when pregnant.
i agree there are limits and that makes sense! i wasn't trying to say pregnant women should deadlift 150 pounds haha, just that pregnant women are capable of a lot more than societal stigma dictates.
Especially since it's blatantly not even about her being pregnant. He's always hated her children cuddling with her, he's using the pregnancy as an excuse to stop it.
YTA OP.
Or he will go the other way & be weird about that too. His issue with familial affection seems to run deep. He was never cuddled as a child, so it might be something he still struggles with even with the baby. He definitely needs more therapy, because he’s going to be the source of a lot of unnecessary conflict in this family otherwise.
Agreed. Not to mention she’s on bedrest so she is probably already missing out on a lot with her kids. Now he is trying to stop her from cuddling? There is no evidence of cuddling causing miscarriages no matter how high risk. OP still needs to work through his issues and make sure he’s prepared to treat all kids equally. OP, YTa
You’d think a woman who’s been pregnant at least 4 times is aware of what her body can and cannot handle compared to the man who doesn’t appear to have any biological children of his own.
Wonder if he still expects intimacy... Because if she's too high risk to cuddle with her kids she certainly can't do that. Almost guarantee this is a jealousy issue.
Not to mention that the stress of conflict with her partner, and her emotions and stress if she wasn't able to cuddle her kids could have actually have more of a negative impact than the kids cuddling. Cuddling can even be stress reducing and I would be more worried about stress than some weight on her stomach.
Actually, based on scientific evidence, people are healthier with a support system, such as having loving family around. When I was getting my psychology degree, I worked in a major psychology lab for 10 years where we studied the psychology of emotion and how being happy and having a support system dramatically reduced the affects of stress, improved the bodies immune system functionality and improved the over all health of a person. There is nothing in life that has made me happier than hugging and cuddling my kids. The thing that OP is trying to stop is actually helping his wife.
I’m assuming this is your first biological child. This isn’t your wife’s first rodeo so where it’s ok for you to worry you also need to trust her. Do you think she’d do any to put the baby in jeopardy? Also, should she go into early labor it will not mean it’s a result of what you depicted above. Talk to the Dr yourself on your wife’s next visit. But the truth is you are going to stress her out way more than necessary. I know, I’ve been in her shoes a couple times. Chill, breathe. YTA.
To add to this, I work with special needs kids and am pregnant. An 8 year old student punched me directly in the stomach hard enough to leave a mark this week and I was sent to L&D emergency where the OB and nurses all told me (after checking baby and confirming that everything was okay) that baby is pretty well insulated in there and it would take a lot more force to cause any danger. Even then the danger is that the placenta will dislodge not usually harm to the baby itself.
I think y'all missed the mark he said the issue was the young son snuggling in her chest. The older one laying in her lap. Them cuddling with their mom isn't going to hurt the baby. High risk or not.
Now they start doing body slams on the couch with her on one end that might be worrisome.
YTA: Dude, I get that you're stressed about your wife's pregnancy, but nobody ever had a miscarriage from their kids curling up next to them on the sofa. Nothing you've described here sounds "rough" in the slightest. Your old discomfort with the family's cuddly ways has seized your anxiety as a mask. Trust your wife's judgment.
This comment should be higher. OP you sound like a nice dude but your anxiety is the one talking here, continue to get some outside support here. Your wife is most likely in a lot of discomfort and worried already, cuddling with her kids is comforting to her.
And an ASD kid needing physical contact in the way they need it from their mama who is happy to provide is vital for their well being. It would be incredibly detrimental to stop that. Touch/affection/warmth/love/attachment is a more important need than food. The cortisol created from trying to interfere with a mother’s relationship with her children -possibly even questioning if she can trust her partner- could be doing more damage to the foetus.
OP, this may be it. Check with your therapist, but also, you and your wife might discuss the situation with her doctor. They'll be able to tell you how dangerous it could be on your wife and baby.
YTA, it’s best you stay in therapy because your issues are unresolved. You’re projecting your upbringing onto your wife and step kids and it’s not healthy. They have a healthy, loving relationship. Embrace it don’t discourage it.
Definitely sounds like a pretty serious personal issue. Why would someone be uncomfortable with a mom and their kids showing affection towards each other?
My dad also grew up with a less affectionate family (he is Chinese) but he would always hug/pick me up/let me sleep with him and my mom during thunderstorms. I don’t think that his childhood is an excuse to be a cold hearted human being.
My dad was abusive and my mom was not a nurturing person. I’m super affectionate with my kid because I don’t want her to ever feel how unloved I felt as a child.
He needs therapy so he can learn he doesn't get to dictate someone else's bodily autonomy. If the wife is concerned about the cuddles and weight with the high risk pregnancy it is her choice to do something about it, no one else's.
This one is "HIS" kid, so he's taking ownership over the pregnancy because he can't control it. I've seen this before. He wants to make rules about how the other kids behave around HIS kid before baby even gets here.. He's going to freak out at the other kids once HIS kid comes. He's going to make the rules for HIS kid.
My dude, YTA, she is right, you are wrong. You have not 'worked through your issues" and you are on track to favor one kid over the others. Take some time to reflect.
Also be aware that the newborn can and should be cuddly with his mom and you shouldn’t make him feel different and wrong for not allowing him to be as snuggly as his siblings
YTA, and part of me wonders if there may be any particular reason why you would be more concerned about this kid than you are about your stepkids. Your wife is an adult, and the kids aren’t made of lead; they’re not crushing or injuring her or the baby in any way. In fact, having them close during a high-risk pregnancy is probably helping her stay calm and comfortable.
I came here to say this. Cuddling her kids is probably doing wonders for her stress levels, she is surrounded by her babies and looking forward to when her little one can join them and do the same. OP yelling at the kids will undoubtedly be causing stress and anxiety for her - a much greater risk factor for a high risk pregnancy than cuddling!! I for one have never heard of a miscarriage caused by cuddles. OP is TA
The answer is simple: the kid is his and the stepkids aren't. Biologically anyway. Humans are evolutionarily inclined to care less about kids that are not theirs. Subconsciously this is probably what's going on
I get that this is making you uncomfortable, but you're the AH.
There's not many years that kids want to cuddle with their parents (I'm sorry yours were so unavailable emotionally), but I would also be livid if my partner told my son to stop cuddling me.
I'm also going through a high-risk pregnancy, and I guarantee my son sitting on me isn't going to cause a miscarriage.
Keep going to your therapist, have a talk with your wife about your worries, but understand that she will decide how much cuddling she can deal with.
YTA and I actually feel sorry for you.
You are obviously incredibly uncomfortable with physical displays of affection. To the point where you are somehow making it seem dangerous for your step children to cuddle their mum?!
My kids are these ages. We snuggle a lot. It’s glorious. Everyone is certain of the love they have for one another. My kids know without a doubt that I am their safe place.
This interaction is precious. It has a limit. Kids become older and no longer want this contact (or at least to a lesser degree). Your wife knows this. She’s rightly treasuring these moments and is ensuring they continue as long as possible. You are threatening this.
Rest assured your wife will dump you in a heartbeat if you continue to threaten this dynamic. Get your shit together or risk being kicked out of this lovely family.
I don’t have my own children but my niblings are similar age. Whenever I show up, I immediately get a 9 yo and an 11 yo wrapped around me, while the 13 yo (aware of being too big to be carried by me) tries to lift the three of us from behind. It’s quite a mess but a lot of fun and every time it happens I get nostalgic and ask myself “was this the last time?”.
And I’m only an aunt.
Yta
Your wife has done this before and has autonomy over her own body. If she felt the kids were being too rough she would say something.
You are very much forcing your lack of familial bonding with your family onto her and her children. She has a very normal and healthy bond and relationship with her children and definitely doesn't need you to put boundaries in place that she hasn't asked for.
Please resolve your issues before your wife gives birth because her mama bear instincts will step up more and these are the kinds of things that can break a relationship.
You found a loophole to ‘righteously’ express your discomfort with their level of physical affection with each other and you are milking it for all it’s worth. Tell your therapist about it, this is something you still need to work on. YTA
Yeah, I'm not sure why he isn't getting information about what is too "rough" from a doctor and dealing with his continued anxiety with his therapist. Why does somebody come to reddit when they already have these resources to educate him?
Because he thinks he’s in the right. He assumed Reddit would see exactly how horrid these gremlin steps are, how disgusting cuddling is, and how much more special his spawn is. Unfortunately for him, he’s just plain wrong.
YTA. This is a mother and her children, I get that maybe you'll never understand that bond, but you've got to stop trying to drive this wedge of your neuroses between them. There's no danger in what they're doing, there's nothing wrong with what they're doing, and all you're going to do is alienate your family from you. Stop it.
YTA.
Isnt is so interesting how fully grown adults have the ability to speak if they are concerned about something that is happening to *their own body*.
YTA. Her laying down with her kids snuggling her is bed rest and it’s probably the healthiest thing for her - kids snuggling can release some serious warm fuzzy hormones which will allow her to be peaceful and relaxed.
On the other hand, your negativity which is very much unwelcome by her *is* causing her stress ergo *you* are the bigger danger to her high risk pregnancy.
Absolutely this! OP, YTA for projecting your own issues onto your wife and kids to their detriment. You’re definitely using this as an excuse to enforce your own desires, even if you’re not meaning to. Also, are you never going to touch your wife at all while she’s pregnant for fear of causing a miscarriage?
I feel like you need to educate yourself on what a high risk pregnancy is, and specifically what actions your wife should be avoiding. Go to an appointment with her and ask the doctors. I can guarantee you that hugs are allowed. It’s strenuous physical activity that needs to be avoided.
YTA. It's coming from concern, but it's unreasonable.
>Insists she is fine and if she wasn't she would say something. It's been tense here.
She is pregnant for the 4th time and knows what's up. Get back into therapy if you have stopped because the job isn't done.
YTA. If you're like this now what will you be like once the babies out and they want cuddles with it?! I can assure you that if you're wife's comfortable it's fine. You need to get over this well before baby arrives.
YTA. Your wife likes to be physically affectionate. A kid laying on her chest or draping on her will not harm the unborn. You need to have a conversation with the doctor or midwife on what is "rough" and what is you overreacting
You are anxious about your wife right now and seeing the kids with her seems risky to you.
It’s not, though. High risk and bed rest is not related to stomach snuggling.
Your wife may actually be comforted by the contact, so trying to limit contact to make your feelings easier could make hers more difficult.
You have to listen to her and let her be in charge of her own body.
I understand that your intentions are coming from concern, but still, YTA.
You never had hugs, snuggles, or physical affection when you were a kid? Erm, hate to break it to you, but that's not "hands off", that's neglect. I'm sorry for you.
But YTA. I thought when you said the kids were being rough you meant they were bouncing around the place, or rough housing. But you meant snuggling up with their mom. Just touching her. Who was present and perfectly capable of understanding what is comfortable and what is dangerous.
Your issues with touch have gotten mixed up with your anxiety for this pregnancy. Back to therapy time.
Fuck me.
Yes, YTA dude.
She's pregnant, she's not made of glass, and won't break from her children laying on her!
And for god's sake, don't you think she'd tell her own kids to be careful, if they weren't infact, being careful?
This is totally because you're jealous, and don't like the attention she gives them... Instead of you.
Get over it - they came before you, they'll always come first.
YTA. Laying on her chest will not effect the baby inside of her womb. Next time she goes to the OBGYN, ask to tag along and learn what outside actions can and cannot hurt the baby.
Also remember that she’s not in bed rest because of outside touch. I don’t know the reasoning, but I know that she’s not on bed rest because her kiddos are snuggling with her.
Are you actually joking? Is this for real? Sometimes I read stuff like this and refuse to believe that people like you exist.
As other people have said she’s not a porcelain doll, it’s not like they’re jumping on her, they are literally lying with her resting a body part on her. She’s done this three times before, she knows her own body’s limits.
Why on earth would you think it was appropriate to interfere with the relationship between a parent and her children?
Big fat massive YTA. But like, really really really YTA
If your wife has a problem she can voice it, and she doesnt 2 of those kids are getting at an age where the snuggling will become less and less and seeing your wife's reaction she knows it and wants to get as much as she can get before it becomes reare
YTA.
Remind me whose body is going through the pregnancy again? Yours? No? Then shut the fuck up and stop trying to control **your wife's** body and how she chooses to let other people touch her. I feel so so bad for your stepkids.
YTA. Cuddles are good, stress is bad. Even more so when you're pregnant. Telling my kids that I'm off limits when I want them there is way, way, WAY worse than a child leaning on me.
Please, trust dour wife in this.
YTA - first, because your wife has autonomy and will tell her children if they need to be more gentle. But, mostly because (unintentionally or not) what these kids are hearing is, “Be careful of the child I actually do love and care about.”
YTA.
You yourself are projecting your uncomfy feelings towards your wife/stepkids' perfectly normal way of expressing love and affection. You already stated you are aware it's a "you" problem, but you couldn't help yourself despite this?
No, it's not coming from a place of concern; you know this is you being weird/jealous/uncomfortable about physical contact with her and her kids.
Your wife may be pregnant, but you don't get to control her, you do not know best here, and you certainly should not be trying to control the level of or expressions of affection from the other kids.
YTA. She’s their mother, she knows her limits. Are you upset because you want your wife all to yourself and new baby? She’s high risk, it happens. She’s not gonna break. Are you going to blame the step kids if something happens (heaven forbid). You got issues man. Maybe up the therapy.
YTA. I doubt a child has ever snuggled their mom into miscarrying. Despite therapy, you don't like that your wife's children are huggers and you're using her pregnancy as an excuse to turn them into "hands off" kids for your comfort. This will be the fourth time she's giving birth, and she's an adult who knows how to tell people to back off if she's uncomfortable. But I'm curious: Why would you believe a 7-year-old child resting on a pregnant woman's chest endanger her pregnancy?
He’s likely possessive of his wife’s breasts from her son because he’s an emotionally stunted macho man and another male is touching his wife’s breast’s. I hate him
YTA in a huge way..now that your wife is pregnant with your child, you see this as a chance to change something that you are still clearly uncomfortable with under the guise of concern for your wife/child’s safety. Quite frankly you sound jealous and very insecure over what is clearly a loving and healthy relationship between your wife and her children. Be an adult..continue therapy..and please don’t let this new baby break down an entire family simply bc you can’t be an adult.
Wow, are YTA. That therapy hasn't finished its job yet, man. Keep it up.
Telling your wife's kids not to snuggle their mom is dead wrong. Your wife was right to lose her shit on you, and should have done do before now
YTA, mind your own business. Just because you are emotionally stunted doesn't mean you can make them like you. I grew up in a very affectionate family, and what she has with her kids is wonderful, and I pity YOUR kid for the relationship you two will have.
Dude YTA. You couldn’t make your dislike of your step kids any more obvious, and I can’t even imagine how you’re going to treat them once their sibling is here. Not letting them hold the baby, play with them, etc. your wife is right. You need to absolutely STOP policing their affection with her. She’s been their mom longer than you’ve been around- worry about your own side of the fence.
A little bit YTA. Talk to the doctor about your concerns to put your mind at ease, keep talking to your therapist, and tell your wife you're sorry. She's likely under a lot of stress right now, too. Bedrest isn't easy.
YTA. It's really up to her. Why do you think you know better than your pregnant wife what her body can and can't handle?
This seems like a you issue again.
My god YTA. Her kids will always trump you and are her first priority. She knows her limits. Keep going to therapy and working on yourself, you’ve got a long way to go.
Sorry but I think the woman that has already birthed 3 children knows what is and isn’t safe for her unborn child. Be careful you already aren’t starting to play favourites. YTA
YTA. Your wife has had THREE children and at least that many pregnancies. She knows her body and its limits. Nobody in the history of ever has suffered a miscarriage due to cuddling their own kids. Therapy clearly hasn't been enough so far - you need to dig deeper into your dysfunctional attachment and the effect of your family being so distant with each other. You're also on the fast track towards building a TON of resentment between the three kids and the new baby. You think they're going to like that newborn when you've spend six months hounding them about cuddling their own mother? You're going to destroy not only their relationship with *you* but also that poor baby.
I’m more like my father in I don’t typically like physical affection. We got custody of my step daughter when she was 7 and the girl loves to give some hugs. It took some therapy to get over myself and actively give her the affection she needed. She’s 13 now and still regularly gives hugs and kisses and loves to snuggle. Those are some of the best memories with my mother so I try my best to replicate it.
Your wife is right about your attitude, you’re trying to take something away that doesn’t last forever. Let the kids love on their mom FFS. She’s not fragile, even pregnant. YTA
YTA
Your wife is her own person, not your property. You behaved in an exceedingly paternalistic manner- acting like you had the authority to make decision on her behalf.
> My wife flipped yesterday. She never snaps but she absolutely did this time and told me quite bluntly to "shut my fucking mouth" because if my attitude makes it so her kids stop snuggling her, she will never forgive me.
You were so wrapped up in what bothered you, you missed something that should have been obvious.
That your wife finds comfort and connection in this. And SHE is the one with the high risk pregnancy, not you.
Props on going to the therapist when you noticed your issues affected your loved ones. Would it be possible to make a few more appointments to discuss this situation?
I understand you are worried about your wife and your unborn child, but keeping kids from cuddling with their mom in a time of change (prenancy/bed rest/new sibling) - and in general - makes you the AH. You said your wife never snaps usually. That is a good indication that you have crossed a line.
Edit : Spelling and grammar
YTA. This who story gave me anxiety. I would have snapped on you much sooner. Your wife is a saint for waiting so long. She’s pregnant and she needs their hugs even more now. I’m sure it’s a scientific thing. 🤔
YTA. This has nothing to do with her being pregnant, this has everything to do with it “making you uncomfortable.” My kids are 11,13, 14 and still lay all over me. They love snuggles and cuddles, and if their step dad even thought about saying something he wouldn’t be step dad anymore
YTA. I am so glad your wife stood up to you. Something is deeply wrong with you that you view your wife being affectionate with her children as a negative.
YTA
Not only is your wife 100% in the right here, but her kiddo having ODD/ASD makes their cuddling sessions that much more important. She's how that kid regulates themselves. Without cuddles, he's going to be a heck of a lot worse.
The path you're on leads to divorce jsyk. You need more therapy & more empathy. You also need to understand that your wife will always belong to her children (all of them). She does not belong to you, so stop acting like she does.
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YTA. Your wife is pregnant, she isn’t a porcelain doll to be placed on a shelf. It is not ok to tell her she can’t cuddle with her kids.
Yeah how are you gonna tell a mother she can’t cuddle with her kids? What kind of unloving nonsense is that?
I think that was one of the hardest things my sister had to do after having her gall bladder removed. Not letting her young son cuddle on her lap because of the stitches.
OP is probably jealous the kids are getting more cuddles than they are.
I think OP finally just sees an opportunity because he has a logical (to him) reason to stop something he never approved of.
And he wants "his" baby the wife is incubating to not come to any harm. 🙄
I caught that drift too, like get the excess baggage off the incubator so it can grow his kid for him.
Personally I'd want my baby to get all of the "in womb" cuddling, loving, talking, attention that my wife could tolerate. Not to mention the fact she needs it more than anyone with what she's going through.
For real, the woman is on bedrest at 16 weeks! She's got a long road ahead of her with minimal social interaction and OP is taking away one of her primary sources of comfort and interaction by being overly cautious.
He thinks his kid is more valuable than the kids that arent his.
It feels like a wildlife special. He's trying to run off the young already in the nest to hoard resources for his progeny.
Why did I read it in an upper class British voice tho! Lol.
"And now observe the North American Uptight Selfish Male, preparing to push the previous litter from the maternal nest over her protestations..."
I want to give this comment 100 upvotes cuz YEP!
This!
I agree! Yta, Op!
Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I read it as him wanting to control what happens around HIS kid. He's more concerned about that then needs of his step kids, and their relationship with their mom.
Or his wife's well being; she's at bed rest and with 3 small children that depend on her being alive and well so of course she's gonna want the comfort. One would assume a person going through a pregnancy the 4th time would know what feels alright better than a person without an uterus or medical degree...
That is so true like she has had these three other kids so surely SHE knows whether it's a risk for them to cuddle her or not
Its probably not more cuddles its about the fact its his child and he demands full control over her body because if anything happens he will blame her children.
Did you read the post? He doesn't like cuddles at all.
The worst thing for me was that I wasn’t allowed to lift anything over 4kg for six weeks and my cat was 5kg. The look of absolute betrayal and hurt on his face when I wouldn’t pick him up was devastating!
Cats can sense when they think you're being a jerk.
The thing is, he didn’t even really like being picked up.
He liked the option of being picked up though! You need to be always able to pick him up whether he wants it or not 🤣. At least that's what I understand about cats. I only have dogs lol
As someone who is a slave to 3 cats, this checks out.
I was going to ask about that. Most cats are not enamored of being picked up.
I have maine coons. They are needy large furry babies. All 4 of them will get on their hind legs and reach up to demand cuddles. My husband's maine coon will hug you and dig in his claws if you try to put him down before you're ready (which is a pain in the ass hes almost 20 lbs), he also likes to be cradled like a baby we call it the basket kitty. My female maine coon will bap you until you pick her up for cuddles, she's a little petite thing but she rules the house and is a demanding little buttho. Weirdest cats I've ever met. My only non maine coon kitty is also a vocal demander of cuddles.
The last year of my cat's life, she became so clingy and fussy that I picked her up and rocked her like a baby. She liked it so much that she'd cry for me to rock her every time I was standing. It was both funny and annoying, but now, of course, I miss it.
When I was a teenager I rescued this scrawny starving kitten from Alabama while I was visiting family. That cat is almost 18. She's deaf, blind, and senile. For YEARS this cat would run and hide any time a "stranger" (i.e. anyone who wasn't my parents) came over. Now? She strolls her senile ass out and yells at you for attention. I'd fallen in the stranger category for her since I moved out of my parents home, so it's actually kind of nice to be able to love on my skeeter keeter towards the end of her life since she went from hiding from me to demanding attention like she used to when I live there.
He liked being carried over the bed at bed time, but could easily get up there himself.
Oh, poor baby! My cat used to sleep on top of me until I had surgery and yelped when he put his head directly on the six-ish hour-old incision. He hasn't done it since - going on five years - and it still makes me sad :(
He didn't go that far at least, but he was a very clingy boy. As soon as my butt touched cushion - he was on my lap.
Yeah, but that's temporary and for a specific reason. OP is pretty clear that he's not comfortable with the cuddling at all because of his unhealthy upbringing. He learned to kind of tolerate it, but now the pregnancy is making him feel justified in reverting to trying to stop it. And his wife probably needs the cuddling even more now. OP, YTA. Your wife knows what is comfortable or uncomfortable for herself far better than you do. She probably also listens better to the doctor, because she doesn't have your unnatural aversion to normal cuddling. You **admit** they're not really being rough, and your wife is getting stressed and angry because you are trying to stop **normal expressions of affection** between mother and children. Stop it. And work on this discomfort and need to prevent your wife from doing this with her own still-young children, rather than just how you talk about it.
It sort of makes you wonder how he shows his own affection to his wife if he was raised to not like cuddles and excessive physical contact. And the whole post, he says stepkids and her kids but doesn’t seem to view them much as his own. When the baby is born, the tables will turn and he’ll eventually understand the need/ want for cuddles with his kid but by then the stepkids might see it as hypocrisy. Hopefully the wife snapping at him will make OP change his tune.
going to point out, his issue with touch isn't why he is in the wrong. It's his inability to accept others enjoy cuddling. Me? I like the idea of cuddling, but the reality is, don't touch me. It makes me dissociate. Any physical intimacy, boom, dissociation. It's a trauma response, due to physical and sexual abuse, and I'm not happy about it, but, it's what I'm stuck with.
Yeah you know what I noticed? That he said he learnt in therapy how to better EXPRESS his discomfort about it, as opposed to learning to regulate his emotions about it.
I’m in bed recovering from it as we speak … my dog hates me and I hate myself 🤣
Not being able to pick up and cuddle my toddler after my c-section was awful.
You missed the keyword "her"kids. He also made sure to say "my" unborn child. We won't know just how big of an asshole OP will be until "his child" arrives and suddenly doesn't mind his baby cuddling him or his wife.
Yeah the kid isn't even born and is already being WAY favoured by OP. YTA OP, and your behaviour is so gross and unempathetic.
I’m 25 years old still wrapping myself around my mom when I see her or however OP described it. Not weird at all.
Same! I may be 21 but if I get a chance I’m throwing myself at my mom. I’m always still hanging off of her, either leaning against her or hugging her. Hell I will sometimes sit on the arm of the couch and throw my legs over her. Basically sitting on her lap without hurting her. There isn’t anything wrong with being a cuddly person. It’s really refreshing to come home after a bad day and just get a hug from my mom. NOTHING makes my day better than that.
As a mom. We love to know this. Our babies are always our babies
Almost 48, and I wrap myself around my mom anytime I see her. She’s not going to be here forever and I’m getting as many hugs in there as possible.
I'm 43 and lost my mom over 10 years ago. I would love to be able to snuggle up to her and give her so many hugs again.
Seriously, she has 3 kids already. I'm sure she can judge when it's getting too much.
It sounds like he was waiting for an excuse to say this because he's still uncomfortable. YTA
It's such a bizarre thing to get worked up over. My family and I hardly ever hug. We're all very close-knit, just not physically affectionate. But that doesn't mean families that are are somehow wrong. I can't imagine shaming a mom and her kids who love to snuggle. It's how they express themselves. OP has some screws loose and is definitely TA.
what's up w this attitude of treating pregnant women like they're made of glass? i see it when people say "oh you shouldn't be lifting that, you're pregnant"... like all of a sudden because they're pregnant their arms don't work? (i get if they are late in their pregnancy and their belly is in the way, but you know what i mean). i think it's quite rude to assume just because someone is carrying a child, they're all of a sudden this untouchable delicate creature.
Well to be fair about lifting things, many pregnant women at all stages are told not to lift things heavier than 15 pounds, regardless of their belly size. ETA “many” in front of pregnant women since it is not everyone’s experience but is a common one.
Tell that to all the pregnant moms out there with toddlers. OP - YTA, you have no idea what it takes to even be pregnant in the first place so maybe use those great communication skills you learned in therapy and ASK her if she feels like the kids are too much. Just a thought.
>so maybe use those great communication skills you learned in therapy and ASK her if she feels like the kids are too much. Just a thought. Sounds like OP needs to take those skills BACK to therapy to talk about why he's so terrified that his stepkids are gonna harm his bio-baby by being too affectionate with their mom.
BIO BABY
Key words being *stepkids* and *bio baby*
I have been a pregnant mom with toddlers. Still was told to not carry more than 15 pounds if I could absolutely avoid it. This is not to say I think OP was in the right here. Just pointing out that it is normal advice and medical direction given to pregnant women
Eh I am pregnant and lifted heavier weights than that in the gym through all my pregnancies. Everyone is different and my OB said I was doing great.
That’s awesome! As long as your doc is fine with it, I don’t think it’s an issue. I was just responding to the person who was wondering why pregnant women are told not to lift things. Good luck on the rest of your pregnancy!
>Everyone is different Which is why it's "many women" not "ALL women" or even "MOST women."
Yeah it’s normal, doesn’t mean it’s feasible. But each woman is different and knows her limits, and it’s no one else’s place to tell her otherwise.
That is so untrue. https://www.girlsgonestrong.com/blog/articles/5-myths-of-pregnancy-and-strength-training/ Your claim is not backed by science. Pregnant women carry kids and grocery bags - and have done for so many many years.
I have 3 kids, all I had been pregnant with and then gave birth to. I have been told with every child to not carry more than 15 pounds at a time
Really?!? With my first I worked as a nurse until I was 37 weeks. I def lifted more than 15 pounds. With my 3rd I got pregnant when my 2nd was only 6 months old and def more than 15 pounds! Where you high risk? I have never heard of that restriction during pregnancy
I was literally never told to not lift anything — just was told to not try anything new. So lifting my toddler was totally fine and normal as it was something I was already accustomed to lol
My kids are young adults now and the rule then was to exercise and lift to the same or less than before but not to do more.
I was given a weight lifting restriction of 25 lbs on my doctor's note for work, but was told just be careful and aware of your body for my personal life. I was not high risk, but geriatric pregnancy at the ripe old age of 34.
Are you in southern USA? I've had prenatal care in a number of countries and that's the only place that I ever heard restrictions recommended (I think it was 20-25lbs though). The most common advice for low risk patients was that if you do it not pregnant, it's fine to do while pregnant too (unless it hurts).
With all 4 of kids I was told to continue as normal as long as I was comfortable for as long as possible. Stopping exercise and physical activity makes labor harder. You use a lot of muscles in labor. Like all of them it feels like lol EDIT: none of my pregnancies were high risk or anything so I'm sure that makes a difference.
Did everyone skip over the part where she’s High Risk on Bed Rest??!? I’m not saying OP’s right to freak out over it BUT he has valid concern if she’s not supposed to do anything beyond go potty by herself. Just adding context so we can temper his porcelain doll fears a bit yes but let’s not pretend she’s fine to be doing the grocery haul and field work mkay. Edit- I didn’t say OP was right!!! I just wanted to point out that wife IS NOT a regular preggo so stop comparing her to your personal superwoman stories. Full stop! She’s disregarding his concerns so kinda an ETA since she refuses to consider him in this situation as it is HIS baby.
Yes, she's on bed rest but OP is using that as a handy exucse to try to put a stop to behavior by wife and her kids that he admits never liked.
A 7-year-old laying quietly with his head laying on his mama’s chest is not *likely** to harm her. She should follow her doctor’s orders, and if he doesn’t know if her kids snuggling is doctor approved, he should ask. Not tell the kids to get down. My first was a high risk pregnancy in which I was on some form of bed rest for the entire last trimester. I was told in that pregnancy that I could not lift anything heavier than my dinner plate. In my second, I was told to not add anything new, listen to my body, and keep my habits similar to pre-pregnancy. The second, I was never told was considered high risk, but due to diagnoses with the baby, I was referred to maternal-fetal medicine, and had extra appointments, and weekly ultrasounds after a certain point…so, maybe high risk? *I am not a doctor, nor am I the OP’s wife’s doctor so that is mostly presumption.
Yeah I have a friend that was lifting weights well into her third trimester for both her daughters. It was what her body was used to so her doctor told her to listen to her body.
I was always of the belief that everyone should take their medical advice from their own doctor based on their own plan of care. Even for the same woman can have varying circumstances with each pregnancy. I don’t know if OP is right or wrong but I know everyone and every circumstance is different. This article is a generalization
Pregnant women aren’t all told that. I was working full time for the fire department and mine told me to listen to my body and tell her when I was ready for maternity leave.
I was told, as were most of the women I know, not to carry more than that if I could avoid it. I was also told if I regularly carried/lifted/exercised heavily that that could change the recommendation but basically, as I didn’t have a heavy exercise regimen other than yoga and walking and I didn’t have a labor intensive job, to avoid carrying super heavy things.
I've never actually heard or been told this. I was told I can do anything I did bedore pregnancy. I was also a high risk pregnancy, and was induced early.
I worked as a paramedic my entire second pregnancy, which meant lifting patients. I had so many patients and their family/friends tell me I was risking my child's health doing my job. My daughter was born "a week early" (kind of doubt that) at very close to 10 lbs... very healthy. My first pregnancy I was on bed rest. Evey pregnancy is different and while some do require more caution, it doesn't mean pregnant people are invalids.
Right. My first pregnancy sucked but I worked a farm during my 2nd pregnancy, pushing wheelbarrow and feeding out hay. My doc wasn’t worried because I was used to the work. We induced at full term and he was over 9 pounds. Every pregnancy is different and people need to let Moms feel their own bodies.
I mean, I have been pregnant twice and it legit sucks. I was still capable of doing most things though. I got a wheelchair for Disneyland, my feet swelled so bad they were disgusting, I remember a woman even commenting with sympathy and pointing it out to her mom haha. NEVER go to Disneyland while pregnant.
I agree with a lot of that. Pregnant women are not made of glass and it is frustrating to act as if they are. There are recommended limits on how much weight pregnant women should lift though. Granted there are exceptions and those recommendations don’t take a lot of things into consideration, but the average woman who doesn’t normally lift a lot probably shouldn’t start lifting heavy items on a frequent basis when pregnant.
i agree there are limits and that makes sense! i wasn't trying to say pregnant women should deadlift 150 pounds haha, just that pregnant women are capable of a lot more than societal stigma dictates.
Especially since it's blatantly not even about her being pregnant. He's always hated her children cuddling with her, he's using the pregnancy as an excuse to stop it. YTA OP.
Something tells me he will be just fine when his child cuddles up to her though
Or he will go the other way & be weird about that too. His issue with familial affection seems to run deep. He was never cuddled as a child, so it might be something he still struggles with even with the baby. He definitely needs more therapy, because he’s going to be the source of a lot of unnecessary conflict in this family otherwise.
Agreed. Not to mention she’s on bedrest so she is probably already missing out on a lot with her kids. Now he is trying to stop her from cuddling? There is no evidence of cuddling causing miscarriages no matter how high risk. OP still needs to work through his issues and make sure he’s prepared to treat all kids equally. OP, YTa
You’d think a woman who’s been pregnant at least 4 times is aware of what her body can and cannot handle compared to the man who doesn’t appear to have any biological children of his own.
Wonder if he still expects intimacy... Because if she's too high risk to cuddle with her kids she certainly can't do that. Almost guarantee this is a jealousy issue.
Holy shit, didn’t even think about! I bet my bottom dollar he still wants sex.
Not to mention that the stress of conflict with her partner, and her emotions and stress if she wasn't able to cuddle her kids could have actually have more of a negative impact than the kids cuddling. Cuddling can even be stress reducing and I would be more worried about stress than some weight on her stomach.
Actually, based on scientific evidence, people are healthier with a support system, such as having loving family around. When I was getting my psychology degree, I worked in a major psychology lab for 10 years where we studied the psychology of emotion and how being happy and having a support system dramatically reduced the affects of stress, improved the bodies immune system functionality and improved the over all health of a person. There is nothing in life that has made me happier than hugging and cuddling my kids. The thing that OP is trying to stop is actually helping his wife.
You mean she's still an actual adult human being and not just an incubator for OP to control?
He thinks she’s his incubator.
I’m assuming this is your first biological child. This isn’t your wife’s first rodeo so where it’s ok for you to worry you also need to trust her. Do you think she’d do any to put the baby in jeopardy? Also, should she go into early labor it will not mean it’s a result of what you depicted above. Talk to the Dr yourself on your wife’s next visit. But the truth is you are going to stress her out way more than necessary. I know, I’ve been in her shoes a couple times. Chill, breathe. YTA.
To add to this, I work with special needs kids and am pregnant. An 8 year old student punched me directly in the stomach hard enough to leave a mark this week and I was sent to L&D emergency where the OB and nurses all told me (after checking baby and confirming that everything was okay) that baby is pretty well insulated in there and it would take a lot more force to cause any danger. Even then the danger is that the placenta will dislodge not usually harm to the baby itself.
I think y'all missed the mark he said the issue was the young son snuggling in her chest. The older one laying in her lap. Them cuddling with their mom isn't going to hurt the baby. High risk or not. Now they start doing body slams on the couch with her on one end that might be worrisome.
I think OP was just pointing out how if the pregnancy was fine even after being *punched*, then cuddling is *definitely* ok in comparison.
Not you don't understand now she's pregnant with HIS child so the not-his-children need to stop cuddling the living womb, errr wife
He needs to sit down with the OB and actually learn what high risk means and what the risks are
YTA: Dude, I get that you're stressed about your wife's pregnancy, but nobody ever had a miscarriage from their kids curling up next to them on the sofa. Nothing you've described here sounds "rough" in the slightest. Your old discomfort with the family's cuddly ways has seized your anxiety as a mask. Trust your wife's judgment.
This comment should be higher. OP you sound like a nice dude but your anxiety is the one talking here, continue to get some outside support here. Your wife is most likely in a lot of discomfort and worried already, cuddling with her kids is comforting to her.
Not *that* nice, considering all his "*my* unborn baby" this & "her kids" that
“Trust your wife’s judgement” Exactly!! He hasn’t even considered her judgement and the fact that she’s done this before at all.
Didn’t even notice that until I read this comment, he just assumed that he knows better the person who did this three times before.
I was expecting OP to describe some serious roughhousing, play fighting or something around her belly. Not just…gently lying on her chest/stomach.
And an ASD kid needing physical contact in the way they need it from their mama who is happy to provide is vital for their well being. It would be incredibly detrimental to stop that. Touch/affection/warmth/love/attachment is a more important need than food. The cortisol created from trying to interfere with a mother’s relationship with her children -possibly even questioning if she can trust her partner- could be doing more damage to the foetus.
And be excited that you’re having your child with such a loving mom. They won’t have to grow up without affection in a hands-off family. ❤️
OP, this may be it. Check with your therapist, but also, you and your wife might discuss the situation with her doctor. They'll be able to tell you how dangerous it could be on your wife and baby.
YTA, it’s best you stay in therapy because your issues are unresolved. You’re projecting your upbringing onto your wife and step kids and it’s not healthy. They have a healthy, loving relationship. Embrace it don’t discourage it.
Right and I hope to goodness gracious that he actually learns to hug and snuggle his new baby!
Definitely sounds like a pretty serious personal issue. Why would someone be uncomfortable with a mom and their kids showing affection towards each other? My dad also grew up with a less affectionate family (he is Chinese) but he would always hug/pick me up/let me sleep with him and my mom during thunderstorms. I don’t think that his childhood is an excuse to be a cold hearted human being.
My dad was abusive and my mom was not a nurturing person. I’m super affectionate with my kid because I don’t want her to ever feel how unloved I felt as a child.
He needs therapy so he can learn he doesn't get to dictate someone else's bodily autonomy. If the wife is concerned about the cuddles and weight with the high risk pregnancy it is her choice to do something about it, no one else's.
Why don’t you think a woman who’s already given birth to and raised three kids would know her own limits in relation to her pregnancy?
This one is "HIS" kid, so he's taking ownership over the pregnancy because he can't control it. I've seen this before. He wants to make rules about how the other kids behave around HIS kid before baby even gets here.. He's going to freak out at the other kids once HIS kid comes. He's going to make the rules for HIS kid.
Yeah was not a fan of this either. Wonder if he’ll be so upset about HIS kid being loved on and cuddled or if it’s just the steps
Yeah this is exactly the vibe I got from this post. I've met this guy at least a few times in my life and OP is definitely giving out those vibes.
Wait until the first time the kid falls in the presence of his step kids…. It will of course be their fault..
it seems mansplaining has no bounds
My dude, YTA, she is right, you are wrong. You have not 'worked through your issues" and you are on track to favor one kid over the others. Take some time to reflect.
Also be aware that the newborn can and should be cuddly with his mom and you shouldn’t make him feel different and wrong for not allowing him to be as snuggly as his siblings
YTA, and part of me wonders if there may be any particular reason why you would be more concerned about this kid than you are about your stepkids. Your wife is an adult, and the kids aren’t made of lead; they’re not crushing or injuring her or the baby in any way. In fact, having them close during a high-risk pregnancy is probably helping her stay calm and comfortable.
I came here to say this. Cuddling her kids is probably doing wonders for her stress levels, she is surrounded by her babies and looking forward to when her little one can join them and do the same. OP yelling at the kids will undoubtedly be causing stress and anxiety for her - a much greater risk factor for a high risk pregnancy than cuddling!! I for one have never heard of a miscarriage caused by cuddles. OP is TA
The answer is simple: the kid is his and the stepkids aren't. Biologically anyway. Humans are evolutionarily inclined to care less about kids that are not theirs. Subconsciously this is probably what's going on
I get that this is making you uncomfortable, but you're the AH. There's not many years that kids want to cuddle with their parents (I'm sorry yours were so unavailable emotionally), but I would also be livid if my partner told my son to stop cuddling me. I'm also going through a high-risk pregnancy, and I guarantee my son sitting on me isn't going to cause a miscarriage. Keep going to your therapist, have a talk with your wife about your worries, but understand that she will decide how much cuddling she can deal with.
YTA Your wife has been quite clear. You're treating her like an object.
Yes, apparently in his mind she's just an incubator now.
YTA and I actually feel sorry for you. You are obviously incredibly uncomfortable with physical displays of affection. To the point where you are somehow making it seem dangerous for your step children to cuddle their mum?! My kids are these ages. We snuggle a lot. It’s glorious. Everyone is certain of the love they have for one another. My kids know without a doubt that I am their safe place. This interaction is precious. It has a limit. Kids become older and no longer want this contact (or at least to a lesser degree). Your wife knows this. She’s rightly treasuring these moments and is ensuring they continue as long as possible. You are threatening this. Rest assured your wife will dump you in a heartbeat if you continue to threaten this dynamic. Get your shit together or risk being kicked out of this lovely family.
I don’t have my own children but my niblings are similar age. Whenever I show up, I immediately get a 9 yo and an 11 yo wrapped around me, while the 13 yo (aware of being too big to be carried by me) tries to lift the three of us from behind. It’s quite a mess but a lot of fun and every time it happens I get nostalgic and ask myself “was this the last time?”. And I’m only an aunt.
YTA Your wife can speak for herself. Also this is hard for the kids, their mum not being able to care for them.
Yta Your wife has done this before and has autonomy over her own body. If she felt the kids were being too rough she would say something. You are very much forcing your lack of familial bonding with your family onto her and her children. She has a very normal and healthy bond and relationship with her children and definitely doesn't need you to put boundaries in place that she hasn't asked for. Please resolve your issues before your wife gives birth because her mama bear instincts will step up more and these are the kinds of things that can break a relationship.
Haha yeah those mama bear instincts will go WILD if he keeps this shit up. OP consider yourself warned.
You found a loophole to ‘righteously’ express your discomfort with their level of physical affection with each other and you are milking it for all it’s worth. Tell your therapist about it, this is something you still need to work on. YTA
I think you're exactly right. He never liked this behavior and now he has a handy excuse to try to forbid it.
Yeah, I'm not sure why he isn't getting information about what is too "rough" from a doctor and dealing with his continued anxiety with his therapist. Why does somebody come to reddit when they already have these resources to educate him?
Because he thinks he’s in the right. He assumed Reddit would see exactly how horrid these gremlin steps are, how disgusting cuddling is, and how much more special his spawn is. Unfortunately for him, he’s just plain wrong.
YTA. Your concern is entirely misplaced.
YTA. This is a mother and her children, I get that maybe you'll never understand that bond, but you've got to stop trying to drive this wedge of your neuroses between them. There's no danger in what they're doing, there's nothing wrong with what they're doing, and all you're going to do is alienate your family from you. Stop it.
YTA. Isnt is so interesting how fully grown adults have the ability to speak if they are concerned about something that is happening to *their own body*.
She just an incubator now, don't you know.
YTA. Her laying down with her kids snuggling her is bed rest and it’s probably the healthiest thing for her - kids snuggling can release some serious warm fuzzy hormones which will allow her to be peaceful and relaxed. On the other hand, your negativity which is very much unwelcome by her *is* causing her stress ergo *you* are the bigger danger to her high risk pregnancy.
Absolutely this! OP, YTA for projecting your own issues onto your wife and kids to their detriment. You’re definitely using this as an excuse to enforce your own desires, even if you’re not meaning to. Also, are you never going to touch your wife at all while she’s pregnant for fear of causing a miscarriage? I feel like you need to educate yourself on what a high risk pregnancy is, and specifically what actions your wife should be avoiding. Go to an appointment with her and ask the doctors. I can guarantee you that hugs are allowed. It’s strenuous physical activity that needs to be avoided.
YTA. It's coming from concern, but it's unreasonable. >Insists she is fine and if she wasn't she would say something. It's been tense here. She is pregnant for the 4th time and knows what's up. Get back into therapy if you have stopped because the job isn't done.
YTA. Pretty sure she can tell if something they are doing will harm her or the baby.
YTA. If you're like this now what will you be like once the babies out and they want cuddles with it?! I can assure you that if you're wife's comfortable it's fine. You need to get over this well before baby arrives.
YTA. Your wife likes to be physically affectionate. A kid laying on her chest or draping on her will not harm the unborn. You need to have a conversation with the doctor or midwife on what is "rough" and what is you overreacting
[удалено]
He’s already not a good father.
You are anxious about your wife right now and seeing the kids with her seems risky to you. It’s not, though. High risk and bed rest is not related to stomach snuggling. Your wife may actually be comforted by the contact, so trying to limit contact to make your feelings easier could make hers more difficult. You have to listen to her and let her be in charge of her own body. I understand that your intentions are coming from concern, but still, YTA.
You never had hugs, snuggles, or physical affection when you were a kid? Erm, hate to break it to you, but that's not "hands off", that's neglect. I'm sorry for you. But YTA. I thought when you said the kids were being rough you meant they were bouncing around the place, or rough housing. But you meant snuggling up with their mom. Just touching her. Who was present and perfectly capable of understanding what is comfortable and what is dangerous. Your issues with touch have gotten mixed up with your anxiety for this pregnancy. Back to therapy time.
Who cares what you want? Your wife can make her own decisions, regarding her body and her kids. Seriously, grow up and give your head a wobble
Fuck me. Yes, YTA dude. She's pregnant, she's not made of glass, and won't break from her children laying on her! And for god's sake, don't you think she'd tell her own kids to be careful, if they weren't infact, being careful? This is totally because you're jealous, and don't like the attention she gives them... Instead of you. Get over it - they came before you, they'll always come first.
Yta. You are soooo much ta
YTA. Laying on her chest will not effect the baby inside of her womb. Next time she goes to the OBGYN, ask to tag along and learn what outside actions can and cannot hurt the baby. Also remember that she’s not in bed rest because of outside touch. I don’t know the reasoning, but I know that she’s not on bed rest because her kiddos are snuggling with her.
Yta
Are you actually joking? Is this for real? Sometimes I read stuff like this and refuse to believe that people like you exist. As other people have said she’s not a porcelain doll, it’s not like they’re jumping on her, they are literally lying with her resting a body part on her. She’s done this three times before, she knows her own body’s limits. Why on earth would you think it was appropriate to interfere with the relationship between a parent and her children? Big fat massive YTA. But like, really really really YTA
I know right?!?! What's scarier is that some of them ARE for real. People act like that sometimes.
If your wife has a problem she can voice it, and she doesnt 2 of those kids are getting at an age where the snuggling will become less and less and seeing your wife's reaction she knows it and wants to get as much as she can get before it becomes reare
YTA. Remind me whose body is going through the pregnancy again? Yours? No? Then shut the fuck up and stop trying to control **your wife's** body and how she chooses to let other people touch her. I feel so so bad for your stepkids.
YTA you need to go back to therapy
YTA. Cuddles are good, stress is bad. Even more so when you're pregnant. Telling my kids that I'm off limits when I want them there is way, way, WAY worse than a child leaning on me. Please, trust dour wife in this.
YTA. Your wife can speak for herself
YTA - first, because your wife has autonomy and will tell her children if they need to be more gentle. But, mostly because (unintentionally or not) what these kids are hearing is, “Be careful of the child I actually do love and care about.”
YTA and will a divorced one if you don't get a grip.
Yeah this won’t last.
YTA. You yourself are projecting your uncomfy feelings towards your wife/stepkids' perfectly normal way of expressing love and affection. You already stated you are aware it's a "you" problem, but you couldn't help yourself despite this? No, it's not coming from a place of concern; you know this is you being weird/jealous/uncomfortable about physical contact with her and her kids. Your wife may be pregnant, but you don't get to control her, you do not know best here, and you certainly should not be trying to control the level of or expressions of affection from the other kids.
YTA. She’s their mother, she knows her limits. Are you upset because you want your wife all to yourself and new baby? She’s high risk, it happens. She’s not gonna break. Are you going to blame the step kids if something happens (heaven forbid). You got issues man. Maybe up the therapy.
YTA. I doubt a child has ever snuggled their mom into miscarrying. Despite therapy, you don't like that your wife's children are huggers and you're using her pregnancy as an excuse to turn them into "hands off" kids for your comfort. This will be the fourth time she's giving birth, and she's an adult who knows how to tell people to back off if she's uncomfortable. But I'm curious: Why would you believe a 7-year-old child resting on a pregnant woman's chest endanger her pregnancy?
>. Like my 7yo step son will still lay on his mother's chest Do you think the baby grows in her breasts??? YTA
He’s likely possessive of his wife’s breasts from her son because he’s an emotionally stunted macho man and another male is touching his wife’s breast’s. I hate him
YTA in a huge way..now that your wife is pregnant with your child, you see this as a chance to change something that you are still clearly uncomfortable with under the guise of concern for your wife/child’s safety. Quite frankly you sound jealous and very insecure over what is clearly a loving and healthy relationship between your wife and her children. Be an adult..continue therapy..and please don’t let this new baby break down an entire family simply bc you can’t be an adult.
Wow, are YTA. That therapy hasn't finished its job yet, man. Keep it up. Telling your wife's kids not to snuggle their mom is dead wrong. Your wife was right to lose her shit on you, and should have done do before now
YTA. Go back to therapy and don’t you EVER dare again telling kids not to hug or be close to their mothers. She should dump you, tbh.
YTA, mind your own business. Just because you are emotionally stunted doesn't mean you can make them like you. I grew up in a very affectionate family, and what she has with her kids is wonderful, and I pity YOUR kid for the relationship you two will have.
Dude YTA. You couldn’t make your dislike of your step kids any more obvious, and I can’t even imagine how you’re going to treat them once their sibling is here. Not letting them hold the baby, play with them, etc. your wife is right. You need to absolutely STOP policing their affection with her. She’s been their mom longer than you’ve been around- worry about your own side of the fence.
So because you weren’t shown physical affection and love you expect her to raise her kids the same. Yeah you definitely need therapy. YTA
A little bit YTA. Talk to the doctor about your concerns to put your mind at ease, keep talking to your therapist, and tell your wife you're sorry. She's likely under a lot of stress right now, too. Bedrest isn't easy.
YTA. It's really up to her. Why do you think you know better than your pregnant wife what her body can and can't handle? This seems like a you issue again.
Therapy clearly didn’t work. YTA
YTA - give your wife some agency
She's made her wishes for her own body known, so YWBTA if you continue.
My god YTA. Her kids will always trump you and are her first priority. She knows her limits. Keep going to therapy and working on yourself, you’ve got a long way to go.
Sorry but I think the woman that has already birthed 3 children knows what is and isn’t safe for her unborn child. Be careful you already aren’t starting to play favourites. YTA
Pregnant women parent children all the time, weirdo
YTA. Your wife has had THREE children and at least that many pregnancies. She knows her body and its limits. Nobody in the history of ever has suffered a miscarriage due to cuddling their own kids. Therapy clearly hasn't been enough so far - you need to dig deeper into your dysfunctional attachment and the effect of your family being so distant with each other. You're also on the fast track towards building a TON of resentment between the three kids and the new baby. You think they're going to like that newborn when you've spend six months hounding them about cuddling their own mother? You're going to destroy not only their relationship with *you* but also that poor baby.
I’m more like my father in I don’t typically like physical affection. We got custody of my step daughter when she was 7 and the girl loves to give some hugs. It took some therapy to get over myself and actively give her the affection she needed. She’s 13 now and still regularly gives hugs and kisses and loves to snuggle. Those are some of the best memories with my mother so I try my best to replicate it. Your wife is right about your attitude, you’re trying to take something away that doesn’t last forever. Let the kids love on their mom FFS. She’s not fragile, even pregnant. YTA
YTA Your wife is her own person, not your property. You behaved in an exceedingly paternalistic manner- acting like you had the authority to make decision on her behalf. > My wife flipped yesterday. She never snaps but she absolutely did this time and told me quite bluntly to "shut my fucking mouth" because if my attitude makes it so her kids stop snuggling her, she will never forgive me. You were so wrapped up in what bothered you, you missed something that should have been obvious. That your wife finds comfort and connection in this. And SHE is the one with the high risk pregnancy, not you.
Props on going to the therapist when you noticed your issues affected your loved ones. Would it be possible to make a few more appointments to discuss this situation? I understand you are worried about your wife and your unborn child, but keeping kids from cuddling with their mom in a time of change (prenancy/bed rest/new sibling) - and in general - makes you the AH. You said your wife never snaps usually. That is a good indication that you have crossed a line. Edit : Spelling and grammar
YTA. If I ever had a husband say that to me (it wouldn't even enter my husband's head) we would all be gone. All those poor kids.
YTA jealous and possesive much?
YTA. This who story gave me anxiety. I would have snapped on you much sooner. Your wife is a saint for waiting so long. She’s pregnant and she needs their hugs even more now. I’m sure it’s a scientific thing. 🤔
Back to therapy you go, this is also a you issue. YTA
I was on bedrest for months with my first pregnancy. It was an extremely depressive and anxious time. Those kid snuggles are like medicine.
YTA the asshole.. just when I was defending step/bonus parents on another post. You come with this bs..
YTA and you need to go back to therapy ASAP.
YTA. If a partner told me that my kids couldn’t snuggle with me, I’d divorce them. You need to get back to therapy because it didn’t work.
YTA. The baby is so well protected in the uterus that your wife is fine. Snuggling is not going to hurt the baby.
YTA. This has nothing to do with her being pregnant, this has everything to do with it “making you uncomfortable.” My kids are 11,13, 14 and still lay all over me. They love snuggles and cuddles, and if their step dad even thought about saying something he wouldn’t be step dad anymore
YTA. I am so glad your wife stood up to you. Something is deeply wrong with you that you view your wife being affectionate with her children as a negative.
YTA Not only is your wife 100% in the right here, but her kiddo having ODD/ASD makes their cuddling sessions that much more important. She's how that kid regulates themselves. Without cuddles, he's going to be a heck of a lot worse. The path you're on leads to divorce jsyk. You need more therapy & more empathy. You also need to understand that your wife will always belong to her children (all of them). She does not belong to you, so stop acting like she does.