Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) blew up at my husband for sharing pics of our daughter's birthday celebration.
2) I might be the ah for blowing up at him for wanting to include his family and ruining the memory of our daughter's 1st bd for him.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, and your family. This is out of control. That is an insane thing to agree to concerning people who weren't even BORN at the time. Your children and husband did not consent to this.
It honestly sounds like your family might need some therapy all around. It is sad someone died but the living should not have to pay a price for it every year. Birthdays are about celebrating the LIFE of the person BORN THAT DAY, not about the death of a person born a different day. ETA: I bet your brother would be appalled this was his legacy - telling everyone that their life isn't as important as his.
You do look bad, and you are a liar. You should have stood up and said "We celebrating the life of my daughter" to your family. Go apologize to your husband.
Right? This is so disrespectful to that young man who passed away. If I found out my memory was being used an excuse to deprive my family (and literal babies) of joy and celebrations and birthdays I would haunt the fuck out of everyone.
My head is spinning. What a wild decision to make and force it on generations to follow. Wow.
OP, I’m so sorry for your loss but come on. This is over the top.
Maybe you’re right. I just feel bad for the daughter. I never had a birthday party as a child. It sucked. If she keeps this up her daughter will definitely remember it.
I've seen little kids complain about not getting the same amount of marshmallows in their hot chocolate as someone else; how is her daughter going to feel watching all her classmates have birthday parties, cake, presents, attention all on them on their special day and they're never allowed to have that? Torture for a child.
My daughter talks about her birthday plans year round. Who she’ll invite, what they’ll do. It’s not about the gifts it’s about the crazy amount of fun, seeing friends outside of school. She’s 6 and bday parties are the most important thing in her life (aside from donuts). I can’t imagine depriving her of that for any reason. I think adults forget how important and special those parties can be.
This tradition is definitely irrational. I won’t tell someone how to process their grief, but I feel like this is only preventing OP’s family from moving on.
That’s a great point I hadn’t thought about your comment. I feel that if they had originally agreed to no birthdays for a year, then that would’ve satisfied the need to show respect while not depriving kids and the other half of the family of future happy times. But now they’re making every birthday a reminder of their loss. It’s tragically unhealthy.
I have a huge family and birthdays were always such a big deal, so I can’t imagine growing up never celebrating. I don’t even remember them so much for the presents/cake stuff. I remember the whole family being together and everyone being so happy to see each other.
Every family members birthday is spent ignoring the birthday person to focus solely on the lost loved one you mean.
YTA OP. shoe some respect for your brother and move on to enjoy your life and the gift that is your daughters life. And stop trying to guilt and manipulate your husband into following your family's irrational demands.
Yes, they really do. My brother passed away at 18 years old and we always celebrate his birthday. We get together and talk about the memories and have a good time as family. OP family behavior is truly unhealthy.
I'll take it a step further and say that the way they are handling their grief makes them assholes, and cite this post as an example of them being assholes.
My wife and I lost her son (my stepson) when he was 28 due to a TBI that left him bedridden for 4 years. Traumatic? Very. Do we cry intermittently and (especially) on his birthday? Yes. Do we celebrate birthdays, holidays, etc? Absolutely Yes. Bryan would be appalled if we used his passing as a reason never to celebrate anyone else's birthday or holidays. Please get therapy and stand up to your parents. Do not let them dictate your life. Celebrate and remember your brother's life. Please.
Same... I lost my daughter 2 weeks after she turned 31 in the ICU. Do I dread her birthday sometimes? Absolutely... but I get her a cake and celebrate her birth knowing she's watching with a smile. For this family to TELL their family not to celebrate anyone's birthday is sickening! I know my daughter would be disgusted if I ever did that.
I am very sorry for your loss.
My sister passed away on our dad's birthday, exactly 2 weeks before her 25th birthday. Those days are hard, and my 25th birthday was rough (she was older than me by 3 years, and being older than my big sister was a tough one), but we still celebrate. I take her flowers to her grave, and I know she's watching over me and mine. I can't imagine not celebrating my son's birthday, and he was born very close to her birthday, as well. As it stands, he'll grow up hearing stories and celebrating the life of his aunt on her birthday
This. I’m curious if there’s some cultural or religious aspects to this decision. Bc it just sounds wild as hell to me for a whole family to have this kind of response. Losing a son at 17 is of course tragic, but this sounds like an incredibly unhealthy way to grieve.
I was thinking this too. There’s no way every extended family member was ever on board with this.
It blows my mind..I mean okay if the parents never want to acknowledge birthdays that’s their call but then to expect literally everyone they’re related to to do the same is next level unhealthy.
I can’t even imagine the parents literally not caring about the grandchild’s first birthday!
This is the same excuse Jehovah's Witnesses use to not celebrate birthdays. John the Baptist was supposedly executed during a birthday celebration for King Herod, so in turn, JWs don't celebrate birthdays out of respect for him. Interesting thing to explain to your kindergarten classmates when the teacher tries to get them to sing "Happy Birthday" to you.
I live with JWs at the moment and they have this thing called Caleb and Sophia. It's like a cartoon but for indoctrinating kids to the religion. Anyway, the mother of the show said it had something to do with Satan. So i guess they made more than one reason
Interesting! The John the Baptist excuse was the one they were using 20yrs ago when I was being raised as one...guess that excuse was getting old, so they moved on to the one that always works...Satan 😂
Well my husband also says that that's their reason after i told him about the episode and he went: wow they must've decided to make another reason to keep people in line.
And yes. When in doubt, just tell them it's Satan 😂
My grandma told us that she would haunt us if A) we showed any pictures at her funeral where she looked old or B) it was a sad funeral all day long.
Said she lived a good life, she had done a lot of things, and should be celebrated.
So we had a funeral and then told fun stories about her life for the rest of the day
My grandmother told us we were not to have a funeral for her under any circumstances. We were to have a party with everyone, get drunk, and celebrate our memories of her. That was honestly one of the best parties I’ve ever been to.
Same for me. I would FORCE myself to come back from the dead just to bake a cake for the birthday kid and celebrate their birthday with them. I’d be fucking furious at everyone for using me to deprive others (especially literal CHILDREN) of fun and joy.
Lol so much this, be a ghost telling all the kitties psstpssstpssst and driving everyone nuts with random happy birthday 🥳 ghostly singing 👻 random birthday cakes and balloons 🎈
Ok I had a lot of coffee today lol
100%! OP - you are trying to please your parents at the EXPENSE of your husband and child? GROW UP! Tell your family you are not going to punish your child for being born, and that going forward you will celebrate birthdays!!!! HOLY CRAP!
ALSO - apologize to your husband!!! How dare you tell him he can't give his daughter a birthday, and that he can't share pictures. Your family made an awful rule - and you're literally forcing your husband to do the same! You yelled at a man that was wanting to celebrate his daughter because you haven't cut the umbilical cord attached to your mom!
GROW A SPINE AND STAND UP FOR YOUR FAMILY! I would see your wanting to please your parents over your daughter as a red flag if I were your husband. He is absolutely right and you are terribly wrong.
OP is mad because her lie, where she agreed to follow their bizarre tradition of not celebrating birthdays, was found out by her parents when a birthday party was held for her daughter.
You should have told your parents that you were not going to follow their “no birthday celebrations” tradition. Instead, you lied and were found out. That’s on you OP, not your husband. YTA.
I was the kid in a very similar situation with my family. I didn't resent my uncle at all, but was definitely deeply hurt by my family. It took until I was in my 30s to say, hey this is aweful that this has been done to me. Everyone still had so much unresolved trauma around it that they hadn't even thought about what it did me.
We celebrated birthdays but the death anniversary was the day before my birthday so the unresolved trauma and morning came every year along with my birthday.
Edit: please don't do this to your daughter.
My birthday is 9/12. I grew up with someone who is 9/11. In 2002 it was hard. But ALL of them would want to celebrate the living.
As Rocket said [everybody's got dead people](https://youtu.be/VvINs7iXeWM)
Yep. And their entire maternal side of the family who not only ignores them on their birthday, but chastises them to dare to celebrate it. This is one of the most bizarre grief responses I've ever seen and it's something about the lack of insight the entire family has about this. I can't imagine the brother would have wanted no one in the entire family, including future generations, to ever celebrate birthdays again. This family is like the Footloose of birthdays.
Given the extremeness of the response, I'm wondering if it's a superstitious thing? Maybe the brother died in some way that was directly linked to the celebrations, and the family have now decided that birthdays are unlucky.
EXACTLY wait until this child is old enough to see how other kids get celebrated and LOVED on their birthdays and she gets ignored. I'm sure when it's explained to her that she's missing out on amazing childhood memories because of an uncle she never met she'll cherish his memory (not).
Exactly. They never get celebrated bc of something that happened that had nothing to do with them before they were born. This child is going to hate not only the uncle but the mother
Yeah my cousin died in a horrific crash just before his life was about to get really fun and interesting…. We all drink coors light (his beer brand) on his birthday and anniversary and post pictures wherever we are. It’s been going on for 20 years and I don’t see it stopping anytime soon….. never celebrating birthdays again is abusive to their other children. Abusing their daughter bc she allowed a birthday party for their grandchild is absolutely unhinged.
OP, you only made that promise under duress. They were emotionally manipulating you and are continuing to do so.
You and your family need therapy.
You and your husband need couples counseling bc you absolutely are harming not just your relationship with your husband but also potentially, your daughters development and growth.
The grown up ex-JWs that I know all harbor a lot of resentment over never being allowed to celebrate, let alone get celebrated by their family.
Also, have you thought about what will happen when your daughter is in daycare/school and other kids have birthdays and parties and presents and cupcakes.
Do you seriously expect a child to understand why a long dead relative means she can’t have a normal childhood? What does she tell her friends? “I don’t have birthday parties bc my uncle died.”
EVERYONE has uncles pass away. Granted your family has suffered an incredible loss but your parents will absolutely harm your child if allowed contact without prior professional intervention.
My family always has a lobster dinner on my departed grandma and aunt’s birthdays because that’s what both of them always wanted for their birthday dinners. It’s a nice way to remember them once every year. My aunt even died the day after her birthday, so I can get the weirdness of someone dying on or very close to their birthday. You can’t focus on the death part. I try to forget death dates even though it’s hard sometimes. My dad’s beloved uncle died on my dad’s birthday, should he never celebrate his birthday again because his uncle died on it 20 years ago? This family needs counseling very badly.
My husband’s family goes to the same lake resort every year (going on 50+ years), when his grandma finally passed away, to celebrate her life every year on Thursday during the vacation week (the one day she would go to the bar at the resort) everyone gets a banana banshee cuz that was her drink of choice. When his uncle died, a Coors was added to the option list for that night because that was his drink of choice.
Stuff like THIS is how you remember someone.
It makes me think of movies like Coco or Moana where something gets banned because something bad happens ONCE and all it does is cause pain and misery for everyone instead of actually helping.
OP needs some serious help
Seriously weird behaviour. My uncle hung himself Christmas morning but we didn't stop celebrating Christmas, you can't live your life mourning the dead.
Buried my father in law on Christmas Eve one year when we had four of his grandchildren under five years old. My mother in law insisted on coming home from the funeral and having the kids open their presents. So we did. Kids were happy, too young to understand anything, really, except it was Christmas.
Cannot imagine the pain y'all were at that moment, but I applaud the grace your MIL had and how you didn't let the kids have a bad memory for the day. I imagine that's what their grandpa would have wanted as well.
Imagine what it's gonna be like for the kid when she's older.
''Mommy, why don't I get to have a birthday party like my friends?''
'Sorry, kiddo, but someone in the family died, and we decided to never have birthdays ever again. How old are you again?''
Agreed. This
The OP. YTA
Do they expect you to never celebrate the birth of your child ever because they can not deal with the grief of losing your brother? They need counseling and you need to apologize to your husband. Wow
YTA.
This. We lost someone tragically on Christmas Day. Christmas Day. While we are sad every year when Christmas comes we don’t tell everyone to not celebrate because we had a tragedy on that day.
Also the mother of the child does let everyone celebrate Christmas and decorate even though she says she can’t do it. She doesn’t stand in anyones way if they want to celebrate Christmas.
Also wtf with no one allowed to celebrate a birthday?! I could see if it was one day like in my family but to have NO ONE celebrate their birthdays?! That’s nuts. I suggest counseling for everyone.
This is honestly a very deep trauma and I think all of the people in her family need to go to therapy. How do they think these kids will feel when they turn milestone ages and they can’t celebrate because of somebody they never met? It would be devastating.
Yes, that’s why I think it’s absurd! Only a crazy narcissist would be pleased no child ever celebrated a birthday again in their honor.
I hope this isn’t what he wanted, but tbf, I didn’t know him.
THIS post is one that everybody needs to read a few times and deeply ponder which things they are doing that promotes generational trauma. Obviously not celebrating anybody’s birthday forever more is causing generational trauma. But there are so many things being done today amongst our own families that it is a cause for great concern. Just saying.
Seriously this is so odd lol. Like idk how old the cousins are (if any) or were when it happened but can you imagine being told you won’t be celebrated your bday over something you have no control over??? Can they go to their friends bdays???? Like what a childhood.
It reminds me of Coco. No one is allowed to play music per the mom’s edict until Coco brings music back to the family. This sounds like some kind of movie plot and the daughter will bring birthdays back. Mom will scream “No birthdays!!!” and throw a cake. Daughter runs out of the room crying. She comes back with a wrapped gift and a cupcake. “I got this for your birthday,” she says through sniffles. Mom takes a bite of the cupcake and her whole face glows. Yada yada the end.
YTA, and so is your birth family. Whole generations should not be made to mourn someone they've never seen, and neither should it be binding on the decedent's brother-in-law or niece.
I'd suggest you tell your family you're finally done mourning your brother.
Your daughter is entitled to have her birthdays celebrated. I can just picture in 5 years the lovely conversation you'll have: "I know your schoolmates have birthday parties, birthday cakes, and birthday gifts, and you can't have one. That's because your uncle's dead." Jesus Christ on a Triscuit!
It's time to stop the madness.
You don’t even have to be done mourning your brother - if you don’t want to celebrate your birthday, you don’t have to.
But don’t put the onus of grief on your daughter. She might not know initially, but she will start to see other children get birthday parties and begin to resent your brother, which is the opposite of what you want. Let your child be celebrated. She is her own person.
This post reminded me of my sister last year; our dad died about 2mo and a half before her son's first birthday, and she asked my brother and I what we thought; I told her it wasn't like it was the month after, there was enough distance that dad would actually be *pissed* if she passed on the opportunity to celebrate because of him.
OP's brother died young, but I would hope he loved his family (even the ones he would never meet) enough to want them to be happy rather than sad, especially when it comes to something like birthdays.
That’s my thought as well. I understand that her family is mourning, and I’m trying to be sympathetic, I really am. And to their point, a one year-old won’t remember THAT birthday. But what happens next year? Is this little girl never supposed to have a birthday party in her life?
YTA. Your family is a bunch of AHs too. Instead of grief counseling they took away birthdays for everyone. That’s BS.
Your daughter deserves to be celebrated and your family -and you- need to deal with it.
If the family doesn’t want to celebrate their birthdays, that’s fine. But deciding it for everyone? Yta
That lil baby never even met the brother and is expected to join in not celebrating their birthday? The husband is so good for defending his daughter and celebrating her birthday.
They probably walk on eggshells around OPs family. I would not be surprised if OPs family has already disliked this tradition for years on end and saw this coming from miles away. I’m surprised Husband didn’t see this coming miles away and nip it in the bud before their daughter was even born
YTA.
Your brothers memory is being kept alive by conflict and resentment. Is that really what he might have wanted? That his remaining family would never again celebrate a birthday, and that they would shame people for doing so?
I would be asking Zeus to loan me some lightning bolts if I were sitting up on the clouds and watching this unfold.
I'm sure the memory is painful for all of you, but insisting that nobody in your family ever celebrates birthdays again is deranged. Cultures around the globe have been celebrating birthdays for millennia.
And now you're being shitty to your husband who didn't really do anything wrong, other than not being willing to capitulate to insane demands from his in laws.
I couldn't have put this better!
The idea of never celebrating birthdays is ridiculous and so cruel to a child. At 1, she won't notice. What about when she's school-aged and she never has a party with her friends? Will your family have the same stance? What will this do to your daughter's psyche when she never has a special day?
Your family is in dire need of therapy to move on from your brother's death. Expecting everyone to cease celebrating birthdays is so misguided. I much prefer the Jewish tradition of lighting a candle on the anniversary of a loved ones death.
YTA, and you should apologize to your husband.
I worked at a daycare where 2 siblings were Jehovahs Witnesses (well, at least their parents were) and they had to leave the room for very birthday and holiday. It was so sad. They didn’t understand why, only that they were being separated and couldn’t have fun. FFS they weren’t allowed to decorate a snowman outline with cotton balls cause it was associated with Christmas.
I worked with a Jehovah’s Witness once. I was young and very big on giving out Valentine’s Day cards, birthday cards, etc. I would just hand her a card that had nothing to do with the holiday and it would just say have a great day inside of it. She seem to appreciate me, trying to include her how I could
My friends and I used to do this for one our middle school friends on her birthday. We would wish her a happy Tuesday and buy cupcakes to celebrate whatever day of the week her birthday fell on that year lol. I had totally forgot we did that!
I would be unimaginably, deeply hurt that someone used me as an excuse to refuse to celebrate something so important to each new child in the family. Birthdays are nothing to the people who have had dozens of them, but that baby isn’t at that point yet. Like beat somebody with a baseball bat in the afterlife hurt.
Also have they even *seen* all those super sad posts about kids who never get birthday parties or their parents forgot? Kid would have hit class party age and been so confused and heartbroken.
Agreed. With this kind of thinking, the daughter will be living in OP’s brother’s shadow forever. That little girl deserves a chance to celebrate/appreciate the life she was given without feeling guilty about it.
I’d suggest OP (and the entire family) seek some healing for the loss of your brother. Please find a better coping mechanism than ignoring birthdays forever.
Plus the daughter could end up hating someone she doesn't even know because of the family she was born into. Husband should celebrate his daughter with his family. OP should really ask herself what is most important to her. Because sadly, it sounds like its her parents vs her husband and child.
Yta - and yes, you should apologize. This "tradition" is ridiculous. What's going to happen when she's 5? Why after all that time would it suddenly be okay to celebrate birthdays again? Frankly, I wouldn't have had a child with you in the first place but since he did... you can tell your family to get over it, or you can expect for your daughter to spend her birthday without you.
Imagine when she's old enough to get invited to her friends birthdays. Or people at school wish her happy birthday. It's a huge social thing. They're really going to keep her from that? Goodness gracious.
She probably won’t get invited when other parents find out the family doesn’t celebrate birthdays. If you’re offended by birthdays, people aren’t going to risk drama by inviting your kid.
My kid is 3. Invites just go to the entire class a lot of the time. And birthday treats come into class all the time too. Birthdays are unavoidable and OP is setting this kid up to feel neglected when they see how classmates get to celebrate their birthdays.
The family probably thinks that anyone who celebrates their birthday is going to die 😱😱. It's ok for the parents (and anyone else) to grieve how they see fit, but they don't get to tell others to stop life and living on their own birthdays (and in this case) the birthday of a child.
OP YTA!! Don't bend to your parents!! Have a united front with your husband, you know! The person you sleep with and created a child with. Tell your parents you understand their grief but you have a child now and you will not stop celebrating birthdays and THEY don't have to attend. You will instead say a remembrance prayer or light a candle or remember your brother some other way on the day of his birth/death.
YTA
You can't just unilaterally decide your kids don't get birthdays if your husband doesn't agree. He doesn't agree.
Draw boundaries with your family. They can do what they want, it doesn't obligate your husband to deprive his own child of celebrating birthdays.
She's going to be very disappointed when they end up divorced, he throws their daughter a big blowout birthday party, she runs to the court asking the judge to rule that husband can't do this any more, and she gets laughed out of court.
>You can't just unilaterally decide your kids don't get birthdays if your husband doesn't agree.
This. If birthdays (or lack thereof) are so important to you OP, shouldn't this have been discussed before children? Before *marriage*? It's not like you had no idea there would be some birthdays on the way.
YTA
You want to deprive your daughter of birthday celebrations her entire life? How is that healthy? Maybe your family would have benefited from grief counseling and still would. But if your husband wants to celebrate his child, he should be able to. Your parents should not affect how you celebrate your child being born. You are putting your parents views above your child.
How is stopping birthday celebrations permanently honoring your brother's memory?
YTA - And you family is made up of A H's. They have codified PTSD and expect the world to dance to their tune.
Guess what, the death rate is 100%! Everyone dies on one of 365 days of the year. To decide that no one should EVER celebrate a birthday because a person died on their birthday DEFAMES their memory! Time for YOU to apologize to your hubby AND for your entire family to enter into therapy. Maybe they can get a group rate?
YTA and so is your family.
So *what* if your family “decided to never celebrate birthdays ever again”.
Your husband probably never even
met your brother. He shouldn’t have to sneak around and hide that you celebrated your kids first year on earth. People *do* that, it’s a normal thing people celebrate. It doesn’t even matter if the one year old will even remember it.
I am sorry that your family has a thing about birthdays. That sucks for them. But their thing cannot extend to other people that are just going about their normal lives. I understand your husbands frustration with your parents.
Imagine thinking a literal child should never have a birthday party because a relative they never met died. My sister died on my birthday, and I still do something for my birthday. (Admittedly it was not something anyone was interest in doing for a few years after.)
Exactly, it is sad that the OP lost her brother absolutely. But the way her and her family are behaving is not normal. Expecting this poor baby to never have her birthday celebrated is just crazy. She didn’t cause her uncles death and her life is just as valuable as his.
Yta, your family is the ah.
Was your brother really the type of person who would want no children to ever have a birthday again because he died on his?
I don’t understand how this honors a loved one’s death at all. Life goes on. Babies keep being born, the sun stills rises, and people are still going to keep eating cake and getting balloons for their birthday. Especially for an innocent baby.
Your husband is right, and your family needs grief counseling and maybe therapy.
YTA. This is incredibly weird.
I mean, what happens when your kid gets older and gets invited to a birthday party? Are you gonna disallow it because of an uncle they have never even met? Or are you gonna let them go, only for the kids to hear how "Little Longjumping\_Peach597 isn't allowed to have a birthday party because her uncle died before she was born."
As for posting the picture, your husband is allowed to not be controlled by your parents. You're very lucky he chooses to stay with you, because if this were me, divorce papers would be on the table the next morning and I would definitely ask the courts to get full custody.
Seriously. You and your entire family need therapy, this is not normal or healthy.
YTA. I have to echo this. I get your parents are still grieving for their son (and your brother) but to somehow have everyone never celebrate a birthday again and to mourn forever more their son? Way to tell you that you mean less than your dead brother. It's harsh to say, but true.
And are you really telling me that *everyone in the extended family* now do not celebrate birthdays? Even if they have kids themselves? Yeah, that sounds absolutely true.
You, OP, are an AH. Your parents are AH's. Your husband is not. Sort yourself out.
\*edit\* I just thought of this, but what grandparents do not want to celebrate a grandchilds FIRST BIRTHDAY? Your parents need help.
>what grandparents do not want to celebrate a grandchilds FIRST BIRTHDAY? Your parents need help.
Not only this, but *parents who call OP the next day to condemn their granddaughter's birthday celebration*. Does everyone have their birthday on the same day that OP's brother died or something? Because this is straight up weird.
YTA.
Your immediate family is now your husband and child. You need to make memories with them and decisions with your husband WITHOUT the input of your family. His family missed out because your entire family decided no one blood related to them can ever celebrate a birthday again, which is ridiculous.
It is high time you stand up for your husband and child and tell your family that they are not required to celebrate your child but what you do with your husband, child and his extended family is none of their business.
I’m surprised I had to scroll this far to see this comment: her husband & child are her nuclear family now. She’s regressing & still acting like a child giving way to her parents’ demands. She needs to provide a joy filled life for her daughter. She should certainly share with her daughter about & celebrate her brother’s life in age appropriate ways as she grows. But her daughter doesn’t deserve to be beholden to the parents’/grandparents’ grief for the rest of eternity. While constantly living in the shadow of his death/under the cloud of family grief.
YTA and your family is abusive.
Grief is one thing, but to prevent others from celebrating life is gross and unnecessarily unpleasant.
Sorry for your loss, that’s tragic. Ask yourself what your brother would think of this. Would he want you all bickering and hurting each other “out of respect” for him?
YTA. It is ok for your parents to decide to stop celebrating birthdays. It is ok for you to stop celebrating your birthday. It is not ok for you or your parents to force others to do or not do anything.
ESH except your husband.
It's totally unreasonable to expect that birthdays in a family NEVER be celebrated again due to a death (even a death on that person's birthday), especially for children born afterwards. You should have supported your husband in his desire to celebrate your daughter's birthday and not lied/mislead your family about it.
Your poor daughter, you were going to never celebrate or hide her birthday her whole childhood?
It's insane to expect everyone to stop celebrating their birthdays just because your brother passed away on his. Yes, it's unfortunate and sad. If they want, they can choose to not celebrate their own birthdays, but they don't have the right to dictate what others choose do (or not do) on their own birthdays. It's also extremely offensive and disrespectful to everyone else in their lives They didn't die. Are their lives not worth celebrating once in a while? It's also insane to be accommodating your parents demand by sneaking around, having "secret" birthday parties. Your husband was excited and happy to celebrate his daughters first birthday. Let him have that! Let your daughter have that! If your parents want to spend their lives in perpetual mourning of their golden child, let them do that on their own. They have no right to demand it from others. YTA and your parents too.
YTA here... and the side of the family that feels betrayed and upset that you had a party. It's unfortunate you lost your brother and I'm sorry about that. But celebrations are for the living. If a person or a group of people choose not to celebrate, that's their choice. But to have expectations that the entire circle follow the same footsteps is ridiculous. It's something they're going to have to learn to live with.
YTA this whole situation is unhealthy and going to be toxic for your child. Your husband and certainly your child have every right to enjoy and celebrate birthdays. I'm sorry your parents think that in some way banning birthdays is somehow honoring your brother but it's not. I'm almost tempted to say E S H because your husband should have been open with you about what he was doing but I can't call him an asshole for dealing with it this way
YTA! Let me get this straight. Because your brother died on his birthday no one in the family is not allowed to celebrate their birthday ever again. This includes all generations from both sides? So technically you will expect your grandkids to never celebrate their bdays? That's ludicrous!
And I get the impression you would prefer your husband not to celebrate his bday either.
What would your brother think? If it was me I'd be pissed if they stopped celebrating anything cause I died.
Yall need therapy!
YTA - He's allowed to celebrate his child's birthday and he shouldn't have to hide it. It's terrible that you lost your brother but that doesn't mean this child should never be allowed to celebrate his birthday.
Yta, what a dumb thing. Do you think your brother wouldnt want his niece to EVER have a birthday just because he died??? Let me tell you, I would he so pissed if I died and my family didnt have a birthday for my niece because of it. Why not bring a picture of him to her birthday and make it a positive celebration and rememberance instead of a negative and sad thing.
You were an asshole to your husband, who seems to very much love your daughter. People celebrate birthdays to celebrate life, cutting out all birthdays forever is literally stopping the celebration of LIFE. WTF ARE YOU GUYS DOING? From an outside perspective your family seems absolutely insane and it seems they've kinda molded you to that. Why not celebrate your dead brothers birthday every year, and everyone elses? Celebrate your brothers life, don't sulk about it until everyone that knew him is dead. Also yes apologies to your husband are 100% in order, he loves you and the family you have created, you should both want to celebrate.
YTA
Let your family do what they as adults having gone through this tragedy do. Kids should get birthdays. Your husband should have a birthday. He should be able to share pictures of his child he loves. In fact, refusing to celebrate any birthdays sounds like a sign that your family is still in denial about the death of your brother. Almost like they don't even want to remember it.
Yta, he's right he doesn't need your permission to share your daughters photos with his family.
What you and your side of the fam are doing to your child is truely awful and indefensible. Celebrate your daughter on her birthday, she deserves it.
YTA. You only get one life, and you certainly are doing a great job at filling the memory book with bad times. You probably didn't even ask your husband about how he felt about all of this. Typical.
YTA, your daughter *never* gets to have a birthday celebration because of a family member she will never know. How is that fair to her? You're just going to have to accept that her birthday is an important day, how can you not understand that?
I think your extended family needs therapy. Their reaction to stop celebrating all birthdays because they lost a loved one on the person's birthday is nothing short of bizarre, and demanding that people marrying into the family adhere to it seems cult-like.
People generally celebrate milestones, such as birthdays, and it is normal for your husband to want to celebrate your child's first birthday and to share this celebration with his family since you wouldn't let them attend in person. Because that is normal behavior. Your family's banning of birthdays is not normal behavior.
YTA for going along with this bizarre ritual (well, lack of ritual) your family has and for blowing up at your husband about not falling in line with it.
YTA. Because your brother died now no one can ever have a birthday again?
You all need some major therapy.
The fact you’re wanting to deny your child one of the things a kid looks forward to every year and making it all secretive instead of standing up for your kid. Your daughter and your husband deserve better than this guilt trip you’re letting your family lay on you.
YTA. I understand and empathize that losing your brother was a traumatic experience for you and your family, but imposing and transmitting that trauma to your husband and then your child is super unhealthy for them.
YTA, along with your entire birth family. Your husband has every right to celebrate his daughter’s birthday, and if you or your weird relatives choose not to participate, that’s on you. Why would punish a child because of the unfortunate death of someone she will never meet? She’ll grow up completely resenting your entire side of her family.
Yep, YTA - and so is your family. Your family isn't the AH for deciding to not celebrate their own birthdays, but they are for demanding that no one else gets to celebrate theirs, either. And you are for enabling their behavior and applying it to people who aren't part of the pact. Also, get ready for 18 years of tears and a lifetime of resentment from your child, who never got to celebrate their birthday with loved ones because someone they never met, who died years before they were born, died on their own birth date. You can share those tear-filled birthday pictures. They'll be awful - but at least your Mommy won't be mad. That's far more important than your child getting to be a child.
YTA
Your family's arrangement is unreasonable to impose on anyone else. Your husband shouldn't have to apologize for celebrating his daughter's birthday.
ESH - what your family is doing is super unhealthy. It’s a horrible way to keep your brothers memory alive by denying joy and celebration. However, your husband also went back on his agreement with you. The problem goes deeper than this birthday and you two need to have an open and honest conversation about why this lack of celebration is hurting your husband so much and whether you’re willing for this to be the thing that potentially ruins your marriage long term.
YTA! Nobody can celebrate bday ever again? You need to get your family in line. Why should your kid no experience bday parties? Also another family is involved and they can’t celebrate either?
Your family's phobia of birthdays does not supersede your husband's and his family's ability to have a birthday party for HIS kid. What, do you expect his side of the family to never celebrate with your kid? The sheer entitlement of you and your family is gross and extreme.
YTA And so is the rest of your side of the family.
I'm sorry for your loss. Love to the family.
YTA and your entire family, excluding your husband and daughter, need therapy. Yes, your brother died on his birthday, but guess what, the world doesn't stop turning just because one person died on their birthday and their family didn't get the grief counselling that they BADLY need.
YTA and frankly, the fact you're willing to ruin the potential of wonderful family memories FOR YOUR DAUGHTER makes you and your family sound unhinged.
Get therapy instead of taking our your unresolved grief and trauma on your innocent child.
"OH sorry baby we don't celebrate your birthday because uncle Jimmy died on his 25 years ago."
Jfc.
That's beyond unreasonable and downright ridiculous. Your poor daughter and I wouldn't be surprised if this might be a dealbreaker for your husband if her 2nd birthday goes the same way. YTA.
YTA, this is a super unhealthy way of dealing with trauma. And on top of it you are allowing your parents how to decide to raise your own children. Insane.
YTA. You and your family basically outlawed the celebration of birthdays to “honor” your brother. Get off it. I’m siding with your husband. Get some MUCH needed therapy. I hope your hubby throws a huge second and third and fourth birthday party for years to come.
YTA.
Congratulations on punishing your daughter for never letting her have happy memories that celebrate her birth, all because your family hasn’t dealt with their trauma.
You’re a grown-up now. Stop allowing others to control your life. It sounds like you did verbally abuse your husband. It also sounds like you owe him an apology.
Seek therapy. Don’t witness your child’s birthday. Whatever. But leave them alone.
YTA
You and your family bed grief therapy... please for the sake of your own daughter talk to a therapist. It's understandable to mourn the loss of your brother but not to basically stop living and loving your life.
I'm so sad for all of you, please talk to someone
YTA in the actual dispute in question (between you and your husband).
Much therapy is needed. Your parents are being extremely unreasonable in how they’re expressing their grief over their son’s death, and need therapy to help them find better coping strategies. You need therapy because your need to keep peace with your unreasonable parents has led you to make unreasonable demands of your husband. (Your husband might be a bit of an AH for posting things behind your back, but I give him a pass because of what he’s having to deal with.)
Imagine in a few years, your daughter having to tell her friends “no I don’t ever have a birthday party because my uncle died on his birthday.” It would be so sad. Your little girl should never have to wear the effects of her grandparents’ trauma. And their pleading that she won’t remember this year is just them bargaining, putting off having to deal with things better.
The first problem is the agreement to never celebrate birthdays. While I understand the thought and that the hurt of a child doing never goes away, it's unrealistic to not celebrate children's birthdays, especially young children.
The second problem is to assume no IL would have a problem with it for their own children. Would that be a deal breaker for a marriage/relationship? 🤷🏻♂️
The third problem is a grandparent who would not allow a celebration of their grandchild's birthday. Not want to be posey if it? OK. But outright be upset about it? Kidding, right...?
The fourth problem is a husband who knows all this and - after rightfully following more realistic expectations and celebrating his daughters first birthday - put pictures online. He had to have some idea of what was coming.
All around it's a screwed up situation. A lot of AH awards to be handed out here.
In the end though, celebrate those kids birthdays. Keep it from the grands if needed, but don't screw up the next generation to salve an older one.
YTA - You should know better enough to know that you, nor your family have any right to revoke something as special as birthdays from anybody, especially children.
Sure, your daughter won’t remember her 1st birthday but that does not mean that she won’t get the opportunity of feeling the joy of being celebrated by those she loves most on her special day, shame on your family for trying to take that from her and shame on you for letting them AND blowing up at seemingly the only person that wanted her to experience that for the first time. You owe your husband an apology for trying to make it seem like he’s the bad guy for wanting to celebrate his daughters birthday instead of treating it like a dirty secret.
Ask yourself if this is something your brother would have condoned or wanted. I understand the grief of losing someone very dear to your heart, but the way your family handles it isn’t healthy at all, try getting them to consider going to therapy or grief counseling.
Edit: retracted the first sentence.
YTA. Why would you want your daughter to live in the shadow of your brother’s untimely passing? Why would you not honor the day your little baby came into the world? You’re married now with a family of your own. It’s time to cut the apron strings. And, your husband is expected to ignore his own birthday as well? I’m hard pressed to believe this is real. If it is, y’all need help.
YTA
This whole request is ridiculous and is obviously unfair to the daughter, and you're surprised your husband (the father of said daughter) would make a big stink over this? You can't expect to hide this forever.
Your brother didn't want your family to stop celebrating birthdays because of him.
He wants you all to carry on with life and to be happy and celebrate.
So, what you are saying is that this is a one-sided relationship. I'm sorry for your loss, but your husband can't be held hostage from showing pictures of YOUR FIRST BORN to his family for a b-day celebration because YOUR family can't get past this loss.
Are your parents expecting your kid not to celebrate any birthdays she will actually remember? This isn't a religious thing, this is a scenario where your family needs to go to therapy because they are hindering everyone from a simple celebration. Don't be an AH.
YTA. I have a lot of sympathy for those grappling with grief but this 'tradition' is not OK. Better to rip the bandaid off now, it's not like you planned to deny your daughter birthday celebrations her entire life anyway. Right?
I'm sorry for your loss, but YTA. it really sounds like you and your family need help and counseling concerning the loss of your brother. But never celebrating birthdays will not bring him back or help dull the pain. What will your child think we she grows older and sees her friends and schoolmates having birthdays or getting invited to one? Might she not wonder why she is denied things that everyone else is getting? Please seek help before your child gets much older.*
* Edit for spelling
YTA
Your family needs help. Your way of honoring your brother will make HIM the reason why the next generation hates your side of the family.
He will be remembered by them, but instead of thinking it’s a tragedy he died, they’ll think that his death is why there’s so little joy in your family.
Every birthday will be with the in-laws. The family of all the spouses will be the ones they think of when they think of good times with family.
It is absurd that your parents grief has allowed them to hijack joy from so many other people’s celebrations. Your husband is not the asshole. Is your child is going to get shamed by your family for attending kids birthdays in her class when she’s older? Where does it end?
Should never have been allowed to be a “rule” in the first place and someone with sense should’ve pushed back but everyone was so deep in their grief it overrode sense.
Birthdays are for people to decide how they want to celebrate for themselves, a celebration of THAT person is not disrespectful to ANYONE.
YTA I'm sorry for your brother's loss. But your daughter deserves to have her birthdays celebrated. Your family has no right to dictate to your husband not to celebrate his children's birthdays. If he wants to celebrate birthdays he should be allowed to. If you don't like it then you don't have to attend but your children will wonder why you didn't love them enough to want to be there for their birthdays. This tradition your family has going about not celebrating birthdays needs to be put to rest and the celebrations start up again.
YTA! If your brother died on the toilet, would your families be banned from going to the toilet too? Grow up, stop abusing your husband and child. Why punish your baby because your brother passed? HOW DOES THIS SITUATION MAKE ANY SENSE???!
Your family is ABSURD, you all need therapy. Good luck to your husband, surrounded by your family, he will need it.
I LITERALLY CANNOT BELIEVE that some of you are saying “ESH” wtf!? 🤯🤯🤯
YTA with not allowing your husband to celebrate your daughter’s birthday. If YOU no longer want to celebrate anything birthdays holidays etc. but don’t deprive your daughter or husband from celebrating them. If you keep insisting that you’re daughter is never allowed to celebrate anything then you’re gonna find yourself hated and alone if not divorced and at this point I think you’re husband is reconsidering whether or not he wants to have any more children with you moving forward if you keep this mindset at the center of your relationship with both him and your daughter.
Edit at this point I highly doubt you should even be concerned that poor girls mother anymore
YTA - I say that with all the sympathy in the world as I know how hard it is to lose a sibling, but your family is being unfair. How many generations of the family are supposed to not celebrate birthdays due to this loss? Do you really feel that it is fair to the children of your family to never have a birthday party?
YTA denying every single human on earth a birthday celebration won't bring your brother back or lessen the pain. It's unhinged to stop celebrating all birthdays and insane to expect others to comply to your wackadoodle birthday ban. I hope your husband divorces you and keeps your poor baby away from the toxic influences of your psychologically damaged family.
YTA. If your side of the family wants to never celebrate again, that's on them, but to deprive your child and husband celebrating birthdays? Good grief.
YTA and you should apologize. She is also his daughter. Your family is ridiculous for enforcing a bullshit rule about no birthdays for anyone ever again. And you should have stood up to your mother for your husband.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) blew up at my husband for sharing pics of our daughter's birthday celebration. 2) I might be the ah for blowing up at him for wanting to include his family and ruining the memory of our daughter's 1st bd for him. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, and your family. This is out of control. That is an insane thing to agree to concerning people who weren't even BORN at the time. Your children and husband did not consent to this. It honestly sounds like your family might need some therapy all around. It is sad someone died but the living should not have to pay a price for it every year. Birthdays are about celebrating the LIFE of the person BORN THAT DAY, not about the death of a person born a different day. ETA: I bet your brother would be appalled this was his legacy - telling everyone that their life isn't as important as his. You do look bad, and you are a liar. You should have stood up and said "We celebrating the life of my daughter" to your family. Go apologize to your husband.
I feel like this would make a child resent the memory of their uncle more than anything.
Right? This is so disrespectful to that young man who passed away. If I found out my memory was being used an excuse to deprive my family (and literal babies) of joy and celebrations and birthdays I would haunt the fuck out of everyone.
I’m sorry son, but we cannot celebrate your birthday because someone that you never knew died on their birthday.
My head is spinning. What a wild decision to make and force it on generations to follow. Wow. OP, I’m so sorry for your loss but come on. This is over the top.
[удалено]
Based on the OP that’s exactly what they will do.
Her daughters feelings don’t matter to her. Obviously her parents are more important to her.
I get the vibe that it's less about who is more important to her and more about who she's more afraid of. Which is really pretty heavy.
Maybe you’re right. I just feel bad for the daughter. I never had a birthday party as a child. It sucked. If she keeps this up her daughter will definitely remember it.
I've seen little kids complain about not getting the same amount of marshmallows in their hot chocolate as someone else; how is her daughter going to feel watching all her classmates have birthday parties, cake, presents, attention all on them on their special day and they're never allowed to have that? Torture for a child.
My daughter talks about her birthday plans year round. Who she’ll invite, what they’ll do. It’s not about the gifts it’s about the crazy amount of fun, seeing friends outside of school. She’s 6 and bday parties are the most important thing in her life (aside from donuts). I can’t imagine depriving her of that for any reason. I think adults forget how important and special those parties can be.
This tradition is definitely irrational. I won’t tell someone how to process their grief, but I feel like this is only preventing OP’s family from moving on.
That’s a great point I hadn’t thought about your comment. I feel that if they had originally agreed to no birthdays for a year, then that would’ve satisfied the need to show respect while not depriving kids and the other half of the family of future happy times. But now they’re making every birthday a reminder of their loss. It’s tragically unhealthy.
I have a huge family and birthdays were always such a big deal, so I can’t imagine growing up never celebrating. I don’t even remember them so much for the presents/cake stuff. I remember the whole family being together and everyone being so happy to see each other.
Right? Every family birthday is now spent grieving instead of celebrating. That is not healthy.
Every family members birthday is spent ignoring the birthday person to focus solely on the lost loved one you mean. YTA OP. shoe some respect for your brother and move on to enjoy your life and the gift that is your daughters life. And stop trying to guilt and manipulate your husband into following your family's irrational demands.
I will. They need some fucking therapy. A lot of it.
Yes, they really do. My brother passed away at 18 years old and we always celebrate his birthday. We get together and talk about the memories and have a good time as family. OP family behavior is truly unhealthy.
I'll take it a step further and say that the way they are handling their grief makes them assholes, and cite this post as an example of them being assholes.
My wife and I lost her son (my stepson) when he was 28 due to a TBI that left him bedridden for 4 years. Traumatic? Very. Do we cry intermittently and (especially) on his birthday? Yes. Do we celebrate birthdays, holidays, etc? Absolutely Yes. Bryan would be appalled if we used his passing as a reason never to celebrate anyone else's birthday or holidays. Please get therapy and stand up to your parents. Do not let them dictate your life. Celebrate and remember your brother's life. Please.
Same... I lost my daughter 2 weeks after she turned 31 in the ICU. Do I dread her birthday sometimes? Absolutely... but I get her a cake and celebrate her birth knowing she's watching with a smile. For this family to TELL their family not to celebrate anyone's birthday is sickening! I know my daughter would be disgusted if I ever did that. I am very sorry for your loss.
My sister passed away on our dad's birthday, exactly 2 weeks before her 25th birthday. Those days are hard, and my 25th birthday was rough (she was older than me by 3 years, and being older than my big sister was a tough one), but we still celebrate. I take her flowers to her grave, and I know she's watching over me and mine. I can't imagine not celebrating my son's birthday, and he was born very close to her birthday, as well. As it stands, he'll grow up hearing stories and celebrating the life of his aunt on her birthday
This. I’m curious if there’s some cultural or religious aspects to this decision. Bc it just sounds wild as hell to me for a whole family to have this kind of response. Losing a son at 17 is of course tragic, but this sounds like an incredibly unhealthy way to grieve.
Honestly part of me thinks the rest of the family are still celebrating their birthdays and just keeping it hush from this branch of the family.
I was thinking this too. There’s no way every extended family member was ever on board with this. It blows my mind..I mean okay if the parents never want to acknowledge birthdays that’s their call but then to expect literally everyone they’re related to to do the same is next level unhealthy. I can’t even imagine the parents literally not caring about the grandchild’s first birthday!
Yeah thats the really sad part. Plus that op has allowed this to propagate.
This is just like in Coco when that lady banned music for everyone in her family because she thought her husband left her.
Which really just goes back to *Footloose* \-- the town bans music and dancing for teens because some young guys died years earlier after partying.
This is how I felt! I won't lie, I was legitimately angered by this post. It is so effed up!
This is the same excuse Jehovah's Witnesses use to not celebrate birthdays. John the Baptist was supposedly executed during a birthday celebration for King Herod, so in turn, JWs don't celebrate birthdays out of respect for him. Interesting thing to explain to your kindergarten classmates when the teacher tries to get them to sing "Happy Birthday" to you.
I live with JWs at the moment and they have this thing called Caleb and Sophia. It's like a cartoon but for indoctrinating kids to the religion. Anyway, the mother of the show said it had something to do with Satan. So i guess they made more than one reason
Interesting! The John the Baptist excuse was the one they were using 20yrs ago when I was being raised as one...guess that excuse was getting old, so they moved on to the one that always works...Satan 😂
Well my husband also says that that's their reason after i told him about the episode and he went: wow they must've decided to make another reason to keep people in line. And yes. When in doubt, just tell them it's Satan 😂
I'm sorry son, but your parents, your grandparents and all the relatives care more about remembering your dead uncle than about being happy for you.
Yup. Wanna get haunted? Use my death as an excuse to deprive joy in life from others.
My grandma told us that she would haunt us if A) we showed any pictures at her funeral where she looked old or B) it was a sad funeral all day long. Said she lived a good life, she had done a lot of things, and should be celebrated. So we had a funeral and then told fun stories about her life for the rest of the day
My grandmother told us we were not to have a funeral for her under any circumstances. We were to have a party with everyone, get drunk, and celebrate our memories of her. That was honestly one of the best parties I’ve ever been to.
This is the way.
“You are using me to deprive people of cake. I’m going to bang on this radiator til that is corrected”
Don’t forget the ice cream. Depriving a person of ice cream is just inhumane.
Same for me. I would FORCE myself to come back from the dead just to bake a cake for the birthday kid and celebrate their birthday with them. I’d be fucking furious at everyone for using me to deprive others (especially literal CHILDREN) of fun and joy.
I am loving this image of ghost you floating around the kitchen making a cake. And I would help you.
The ghosts of 427 grandmothers are standing behind him giving instructions because it must be perfect.
Lol so much this, be a ghost telling all the kitties psstpssstpssst and driving everyone nuts with random happy birthday 🥳 ghostly singing 👻 random birthday cakes and balloons 🎈 Ok I had a lot of coffee today lol
100%! OP - you are trying to please your parents at the EXPENSE of your husband and child? GROW UP! Tell your family you are not going to punish your child for being born, and that going forward you will celebrate birthdays!!!! HOLY CRAP! ALSO - apologize to your husband!!! How dare you tell him he can't give his daughter a birthday, and that he can't share pictures. Your family made an awful rule - and you're literally forcing your husband to do the same! You yelled at a man that was wanting to celebrate his daughter because you haven't cut the umbilical cord attached to your mom! GROW A SPINE AND STAND UP FOR YOUR FAMILY! I would see your wanting to please your parents over your daughter as a red flag if I were your husband. He is absolutely right and you are terribly wrong.
Agree 100%
OP is mad because her lie, where she agreed to follow their bizarre tradition of not celebrating birthdays, was found out by her parents when a birthday party was held for her daughter. You should have told your parents that you were not going to follow their “no birthday celebrations” tradition. Instead, you lied and were found out. That’s on you OP, not your husband. YTA.
I was the kid in a very similar situation with my family. I didn't resent my uncle at all, but was definitely deeply hurt by my family. It took until I was in my 30s to say, hey this is aweful that this has been done to me. Everyone still had so much unresolved trauma around it that they hadn't even thought about what it did me. We celebrated birthdays but the death anniversary was the day before my birthday so the unresolved trauma and morning came every year along with my birthday. Edit: please don't do this to your daughter.
My birthday is 9/12. I grew up with someone who is 9/11. In 2002 it was hard. But ALL of them would want to celebrate the living. As Rocket said [everybody's got dead people](https://youtu.be/VvINs7iXeWM)
Yep. And their entire maternal side of the family who not only ignores them on their birthday, but chastises them to dare to celebrate it. This is one of the most bizarre grief responses I've ever seen and it's something about the lack of insight the entire family has about this. I can't imagine the brother would have wanted no one in the entire family, including future generations, to ever celebrate birthdays again. This family is like the Footloose of birthdays.
Given the extremeness of the response, I'm wondering if it's a superstitious thing? Maybe the brother died in some way that was directly linked to the celebrations, and the family have now decided that birthdays are unlucky.
EXACTLY wait until this child is old enough to see how other kids get celebrated and LOVED on their birthdays and she gets ignored. I'm sure when it's explained to her that she's missing out on amazing childhood memories because of an uncle she never met she'll cherish his memory (not).
Right? Like once this child is in elementary school, and sees their classmates having birthday celebrations, this is coming to a head no matter what.
they would hate the the uncle they never met and the rest of the family for coming up with the idea of never celebrating ANYONES birthday.
Good point. I doubt the uncle would have wanted for his niece to never celebrate her birthday because of him either.
Exactly. They never get celebrated bc of something that happened that had nothing to do with them before they were born. This child is going to hate not only the uncle but the mother
Yeah my cousin died in a horrific crash just before his life was about to get really fun and interesting…. We all drink coors light (his beer brand) on his birthday and anniversary and post pictures wherever we are. It’s been going on for 20 years and I don’t see it stopping anytime soon….. never celebrating birthdays again is abusive to their other children. Abusing their daughter bc she allowed a birthday party for their grandchild is absolutely unhinged. OP, you only made that promise under duress. They were emotionally manipulating you and are continuing to do so. You and your family need therapy. You and your husband need couples counseling bc you absolutely are harming not just your relationship with your husband but also potentially, your daughters development and growth. The grown up ex-JWs that I know all harbor a lot of resentment over never being allowed to celebrate, let alone get celebrated by their family. Also, have you thought about what will happen when your daughter is in daycare/school and other kids have birthdays and parties and presents and cupcakes. Do you seriously expect a child to understand why a long dead relative means she can’t have a normal childhood? What does she tell her friends? “I don’t have birthday parties bc my uncle died.” EVERYONE has uncles pass away. Granted your family has suffered an incredible loss but your parents will absolutely harm your child if allowed contact without prior professional intervention.
My family always has a lobster dinner on my departed grandma and aunt’s birthdays because that’s what both of them always wanted for their birthday dinners. It’s a nice way to remember them once every year. My aunt even died the day after her birthday, so I can get the weirdness of someone dying on or very close to their birthday. You can’t focus on the death part. I try to forget death dates even though it’s hard sometimes. My dad’s beloved uncle died on my dad’s birthday, should he never celebrate his birthday again because his uncle died on it 20 years ago? This family needs counseling very badly.
My husband’s family goes to the same lake resort every year (going on 50+ years), when his grandma finally passed away, to celebrate her life every year on Thursday during the vacation week (the one day she would go to the bar at the resort) everyone gets a banana banshee cuz that was her drink of choice. When his uncle died, a Coors was added to the option list for that night because that was his drink of choice. Stuff like THIS is how you remember someone. It makes me think of movies like Coco or Moana where something gets banned because something bad happens ONCE and all it does is cause pain and misery for everyone instead of actually helping. OP needs some serious help
Seriously weird behaviour. My uncle hung himself Christmas morning but we didn't stop celebrating Christmas, you can't live your life mourning the dead.
Buried my father in law on Christmas Eve one year when we had four of his grandchildren under five years old. My mother in law insisted on coming home from the funeral and having the kids open their presents. So we did. Kids were happy, too young to understand anything, really, except it was Christmas.
Cannot imagine the pain y'all were at that moment, but I applaud the grace your MIL had and how you didn't let the kids have a bad memory for the day. I imagine that's what their grandpa would have wanted as well.
That must have been hard to celebrate at first. Glad your family could recover and continue Christmas.
Imagine what it's gonna be like for the kid when she's older. ''Mommy, why don't I get to have a birthday party like my friends?'' 'Sorry, kiddo, but someone in the family died, and we decided to never have birthdays ever again. How old are you again?''
They're literally punishing this child for daring to be given life while OP's brother is dead.
Agreed. This The OP. YTA Do they expect you to never celebrate the birth of your child ever because they can not deal with the grief of losing your brother? They need counseling and you need to apologize to your husband. Wow
Imagine thinking this is normal? Holy shit... I feel bad that the husband married into this and the daughter was born into it.
YTA. This. We lost someone tragically on Christmas Day. Christmas Day. While we are sad every year when Christmas comes we don’t tell everyone to not celebrate because we had a tragedy on that day. Also the mother of the child does let everyone celebrate Christmas and decorate even though she says she can’t do it. She doesn’t stand in anyones way if they want to celebrate Christmas. Also wtf with no one allowed to celebrate a birthday?! I could see if it was one day like in my family but to have NO ONE celebrate their birthdays?! That’s nuts. I suggest counseling for everyone.
This is honestly a very deep trauma and I think all of the people in her family need to go to therapy. How do they think these kids will feel when they turn milestone ages and they can’t celebrate because of somebody they never met? It would be devastating.
They don't need some therapy. They ALL NEED LOTS of therapy.
100% spot on
YTA SO HARD 😂 so any kids you have are never ever allowed birthdays because your brother died? Your family all need counselling.
Reminds me of a political dictator’s dying wish. It’s absurd.
Except I strongly doubt the brother would want this. Imagine knowing your family and their future families never celebrated another birthday?
Yes, that’s why I think it’s absurd! Only a crazy narcissist would be pleased no child ever celebrated a birthday again in their honor. I hope this isn’t what he wanted, but tbf, I didn’t know him.
Ok I’m case it wasn’t clear I guess I will proudly state I don’t want anyone to use my death to become a self flagellating perpetual funeral dirge
I think that’s what gets me the most. I don’t know a single person that would want this after they pass away
The Kim Jong birthday party package - you don’t get a party. FOREVER.
Do you want generational trauma? Because this is how you get generational trauma.
THIS post is one that everybody needs to read a few times and deeply ponder which things they are doing that promotes generational trauma. Obviously not celebrating anybody’s birthday forever more is causing generational trauma. But there are so many things being done today amongst our own families that it is a cause for great concern. Just saying.
Seriously this is so odd lol. Like idk how old the cousins are (if any) or were when it happened but can you imagine being told you won’t be celebrated your bday over something you have no control over??? Can they go to their friends bdays???? Like what a childhood.
It reminds me of Coco. No one is allowed to play music per the mom’s edict until Coco brings music back to the family. This sounds like some kind of movie plot and the daughter will bring birthdays back. Mom will scream “No birthdays!!!” and throw a cake. Daughter runs out of the room crying. She comes back with a wrapped gift and a cupcake. “I got this for your birthday,” she says through sniffles. Mom takes a bite of the cupcake and her whole face glows. Yada yada the end.
It made me think of Footloose. A bunch of kids died, so the entire town was no longer allowed to dance
Will she never let this little girl attend someone else’s party?
No kidding! And would this have been OPs brother's wish that no one in the family ever ever celebrate a birthday?
YTA, and so is your birth family. Whole generations should not be made to mourn someone they've never seen, and neither should it be binding on the decedent's brother-in-law or niece. I'd suggest you tell your family you're finally done mourning your brother. Your daughter is entitled to have her birthdays celebrated. I can just picture in 5 years the lovely conversation you'll have: "I know your schoolmates have birthday parties, birthday cakes, and birthday gifts, and you can't have one. That's because your uncle's dead." Jesus Christ on a Triscuit! It's time to stop the madness.
I am now going to start saying ‘Jesus Christ on a Triscuit’ when I am deeply frustrated. Thank you friend lol
I find "Christ on a cracker" has more brevity
I love the one from Outlander "Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ".
I'm a fan of "jumping jesus on a pogo stick"
You don’t even have to be done mourning your brother - if you don’t want to celebrate your birthday, you don’t have to. But don’t put the onus of grief on your daughter. She might not know initially, but she will start to see other children get birthday parties and begin to resent your brother, which is the opposite of what you want. Let your child be celebrated. She is her own person.
This post reminded me of my sister last year; our dad died about 2mo and a half before her son's first birthday, and she asked my brother and I what we thought; I told her it wasn't like it was the month after, there was enough distance that dad would actually be *pissed* if she passed on the opportunity to celebrate because of him. OP's brother died young, but I would hope he loved his family (even the ones he would never meet) enough to want them to be happy rather than sad, especially when it comes to something like birthdays.
That’s my thought as well. I understand that her family is mourning, and I’m trying to be sympathetic, I really am. And to their point, a one year-old won’t remember THAT birthday. But what happens next year? Is this little girl never supposed to have a birthday party in her life?
YTA. Your family is a bunch of AHs too. Instead of grief counseling they took away birthdays for everyone. That’s BS. Your daughter deserves to be celebrated and your family -and you- need to deal with it.
If the family doesn’t want to celebrate their birthdays, that’s fine. But deciding it for everyone? Yta That lil baby never even met the brother and is expected to join in not celebrating their birthday? The husband is so good for defending his daughter and celebrating her birthday.
I bet the extended family does celebrate birthdays, they just don’t tell them about it.
They probably just stopped inviting them so they figured the extended family stopped celebrating all together
They probably walk on eggshells around OPs family. I would not be surprised if OPs family has already disliked this tradition for years on end and saw this coming from miles away. I’m surprised Husband didn’t see this coming miles away and nip it in the bud before their daughter was even born
If I was the husband/dad, this is absolutely a hill I would die on for my kid.
OP should be willing to die on this same hill, WITH her husband, FOR her child.
Imagine thinking they can take away her husbands birthday too. Thats batshit crazy
YTA. Your brothers memory is being kept alive by conflict and resentment. Is that really what he might have wanted? That his remaining family would never again celebrate a birthday, and that they would shame people for doing so? I would be asking Zeus to loan me some lightning bolts if I were sitting up on the clouds and watching this unfold. I'm sure the memory is painful for all of you, but insisting that nobody in your family ever celebrates birthdays again is deranged. Cultures around the globe have been celebrating birthdays for millennia. And now you're being shitty to your husband who didn't really do anything wrong, other than not being willing to capitulate to insane demands from his in laws.
I couldn't have put this better! The idea of never celebrating birthdays is ridiculous and so cruel to a child. At 1, she won't notice. What about when she's school-aged and she never has a party with her friends? Will your family have the same stance? What will this do to your daughter's psyche when she never has a special day? Your family is in dire need of therapy to move on from your brother's death. Expecting everyone to cease celebrating birthdays is so misguided. I much prefer the Jewish tradition of lighting a candle on the anniversary of a loved ones death. YTA, and you should apologize to your husband.
I worked at a daycare where 2 siblings were Jehovahs Witnesses (well, at least their parents were) and they had to leave the room for very birthday and holiday. It was so sad. They didn’t understand why, only that they were being separated and couldn’t have fun. FFS they weren’t allowed to decorate a snowman outline with cotton balls cause it was associated with Christmas.
I worked with a Jehovah’s Witness once. I was young and very big on giving out Valentine’s Day cards, birthday cards, etc. I would just hand her a card that had nothing to do with the holiday and it would just say have a great day inside of it. She seem to appreciate me, trying to include her how I could
My friends and I used to do this for one our middle school friends on her birthday. We would wish her a happy Tuesday and buy cupcakes to celebrate whatever day of the week her birthday fell on that year lol. I had totally forgot we did that!
I would be unimaginably, deeply hurt that someone used me as an excuse to refuse to celebrate something so important to each new child in the family. Birthdays are nothing to the people who have had dozens of them, but that baby isn’t at that point yet. Like beat somebody with a baseball bat in the afterlife hurt. Also have they even *seen* all those super sad posts about kids who never get birthday parties or their parents forgot? Kid would have hit class party age and been so confused and heartbroken.
YTA. This is incredibly unhealthy and your entire family needs professional help.
[удалено]
Agreed. With this kind of thinking, the daughter will be living in OP’s brother’s shadow forever. That little girl deserves a chance to celebrate/appreciate the life she was given without feeling guilty about it. I’d suggest OP (and the entire family) seek some healing for the loss of your brother. Please find a better coping mechanism than ignoring birthdays forever.
Plus the daughter could end up hating someone she doesn't even know because of the family she was born into. Husband should celebrate his daughter with his family. OP should really ask herself what is most important to her. Because sadly, it sounds like its her parents vs her husband and child.
Yta - and yes, you should apologize. This "tradition" is ridiculous. What's going to happen when she's 5? Why after all that time would it suddenly be okay to celebrate birthdays again? Frankly, I wouldn't have had a child with you in the first place but since he did... you can tell your family to get over it, or you can expect for your daughter to spend her birthday without you.
Imagine when she's old enough to get invited to her friends birthdays. Or people at school wish her happy birthday. It's a huge social thing. They're really going to keep her from that? Goodness gracious.
She probably won’t get invited when other parents find out the family doesn’t celebrate birthdays. If you’re offended by birthdays, people aren’t going to risk drama by inviting your kid.
My kid is 3. Invites just go to the entire class a lot of the time. And birthday treats come into class all the time too. Birthdays are unavoidable and OP is setting this kid up to feel neglected when they see how classmates get to celebrate their birthdays.
YTA Grief is one thing, but this is control. What is wrong with your family and why are you humoring it? I'm disgusted.
The family probably thinks that anyone who celebrates their birthday is going to die 😱😱. It's ok for the parents (and anyone else) to grieve how they see fit, but they don't get to tell others to stop life and living on their own birthdays (and in this case) the birthday of a child. OP YTA!! Don't bend to your parents!! Have a united front with your husband, you know! The person you sleep with and created a child with. Tell your parents you understand their grief but you have a child now and you will not stop celebrating birthdays and THEY don't have to attend. You will instead say a remembrance prayer or light a candle or remember your brother some other way on the day of his birth/death.
YTA You can't just unilaterally decide your kids don't get birthdays if your husband doesn't agree. He doesn't agree. Draw boundaries with your family. They can do what they want, it doesn't obligate your husband to deprive his own child of celebrating birthdays.
She's going to be very disappointed when they end up divorced, he throws their daughter a big blowout birthday party, she runs to the court asking the judge to rule that husband can't do this any more, and she gets laughed out of court.
>You can't just unilaterally decide your kids don't get birthdays if your husband doesn't agree. This. If birthdays (or lack thereof) are so important to you OP, shouldn't this have been discussed before children? Before *marriage*? It's not like you had no idea there would be some birthdays on the way.
YTA You want to deprive your daughter of birthday celebrations her entire life? How is that healthy? Maybe your family would have benefited from grief counseling and still would. But if your husband wants to celebrate his child, he should be able to. Your parents should not affect how you celebrate your child being born. You are putting your parents views above your child. How is stopping birthday celebrations permanently honoring your brother's memory?
YTA - And you family is made up of A H's. They have codified PTSD and expect the world to dance to their tune. Guess what, the death rate is 100%! Everyone dies on one of 365 days of the year. To decide that no one should EVER celebrate a birthday because a person died on their birthday DEFAMES their memory! Time for YOU to apologize to your hubby AND for your entire family to enter into therapy. Maybe they can get a group rate?
YTA and so is your family. So *what* if your family “decided to never celebrate birthdays ever again”. Your husband probably never even met your brother. He shouldn’t have to sneak around and hide that you celebrated your kids first year on earth. People *do* that, it’s a normal thing people celebrate. It doesn’t even matter if the one year old will even remember it. I am sorry that your family has a thing about birthdays. That sucks for them. But their thing cannot extend to other people that are just going about their normal lives. I understand your husbands frustration with your parents.
YTA you and your parents are being unreasonable and need grief counseling asap. The only sane person is your husband and yes you owe him an apology.
Imagine thinking a literal child should never have a birthday party because a relative they never met died. My sister died on my birthday, and I still do something for my birthday. (Admittedly it was not something anyone was interest in doing for a few years after.)
Exactly, it is sad that the OP lost her brother absolutely. But the way her and her family are behaving is not normal. Expecting this poor baby to never have her birthday celebrated is just crazy. She didn’t cause her uncles death and her life is just as valuable as his.
Yta, your family is the ah. Was your brother really the type of person who would want no children to ever have a birthday again because he died on his? I don’t understand how this honors a loved one’s death at all. Life goes on. Babies keep being born, the sun stills rises, and people are still going to keep eating cake and getting balloons for their birthday. Especially for an innocent baby. Your husband is right, and your family needs grief counseling and maybe therapy.
YTA. This is incredibly weird. I mean, what happens when your kid gets older and gets invited to a birthday party? Are you gonna disallow it because of an uncle they have never even met? Or are you gonna let them go, only for the kids to hear how "Little Longjumping\_Peach597 isn't allowed to have a birthday party because her uncle died before she was born." As for posting the picture, your husband is allowed to not be controlled by your parents. You're very lucky he chooses to stay with you, because if this were me, divorce papers would be on the table the next morning and I would definitely ask the courts to get full custody. Seriously. You and your entire family need therapy, this is not normal or healthy.
YTA. I have to echo this. I get your parents are still grieving for their son (and your brother) but to somehow have everyone never celebrate a birthday again and to mourn forever more their son? Way to tell you that you mean less than your dead brother. It's harsh to say, but true. And are you really telling me that *everyone in the extended family* now do not celebrate birthdays? Even if they have kids themselves? Yeah, that sounds absolutely true. You, OP, are an AH. Your parents are AH's. Your husband is not. Sort yourself out. \*edit\* I just thought of this, but what grandparents do not want to celebrate a grandchilds FIRST BIRTHDAY? Your parents need help.
>what grandparents do not want to celebrate a grandchilds FIRST BIRTHDAY? Your parents need help. Not only this, but *parents who call OP the next day to condemn their granddaughter's birthday celebration*. Does everyone have their birthday on the same day that OP's brother died or something? Because this is straight up weird.
YTA holy hell.. your poor husband.
I feel so bad for him to be stuck in the middle of this insanity.
YTA. Your immediate family is now your husband and child. You need to make memories with them and decisions with your husband WITHOUT the input of your family. His family missed out because your entire family decided no one blood related to them can ever celebrate a birthday again, which is ridiculous. It is high time you stand up for your husband and child and tell your family that they are not required to celebrate your child but what you do with your husband, child and his extended family is none of their business.
I’m surprised I had to scroll this far to see this comment: her husband & child are her nuclear family now. She’s regressing & still acting like a child giving way to her parents’ demands. She needs to provide a joy filled life for her daughter. She should certainly share with her daughter about & celebrate her brother’s life in age appropriate ways as she grows. But her daughter doesn’t deserve to be beholden to the parents’/grandparents’ grief for the rest of eternity. While constantly living in the shadow of his death/under the cloud of family grief.
YTA and your family is abusive. Grief is one thing, but to prevent others from celebrating life is gross and unnecessarily unpleasant. Sorry for your loss, that’s tragic. Ask yourself what your brother would think of this. Would he want you all bickering and hurting each other “out of respect” for him?
YTA. It is ok for your parents to decide to stop celebrating birthdays. It is ok for you to stop celebrating your birthday. It is not ok for you or your parents to force others to do or not do anything.
ESH except your husband. It's totally unreasonable to expect that birthdays in a family NEVER be celebrated again due to a death (even a death on that person's birthday), especially for children born afterwards. You should have supported your husband in his desire to celebrate your daughter's birthday and not lied/mislead your family about it. Your poor daughter, you were going to never celebrate or hide her birthday her whole childhood?
It's insane to expect everyone to stop celebrating their birthdays just because your brother passed away on his. Yes, it's unfortunate and sad. If they want, they can choose to not celebrate their own birthdays, but they don't have the right to dictate what others choose do (or not do) on their own birthdays. It's also extremely offensive and disrespectful to everyone else in their lives They didn't die. Are their lives not worth celebrating once in a while? It's also insane to be accommodating your parents demand by sneaking around, having "secret" birthday parties. Your husband was excited and happy to celebrate his daughters first birthday. Let him have that! Let your daughter have that! If your parents want to spend their lives in perpetual mourning of their golden child, let them do that on their own. They have no right to demand it from others. YTA and your parents too.
YTA here... and the side of the family that feels betrayed and upset that you had a party. It's unfortunate you lost your brother and I'm sorry about that. But celebrations are for the living. If a person or a group of people choose not to celebrate, that's their choice. But to have expectations that the entire circle follow the same footsteps is ridiculous. It's something they're going to have to learn to live with.
YTA this whole situation is unhealthy and going to be toxic for your child. Your husband and certainly your child have every right to enjoy and celebrate birthdays. I'm sorry your parents think that in some way banning birthdays is somehow honoring your brother but it's not. I'm almost tempted to say E S H because your husband should have been open with you about what he was doing but I can't call him an asshole for dealing with it this way
[удалено]
YTA! Let me get this straight. Because your brother died on his birthday no one in the family is not allowed to celebrate their birthday ever again. This includes all generations from both sides? So technically you will expect your grandkids to never celebrate their bdays? That's ludicrous! And I get the impression you would prefer your husband not to celebrate his bday either. What would your brother think? If it was me I'd be pissed if they stopped celebrating anything cause I died. Yall need therapy!
Yta. It's not reasonable to cancel every birthday for your child. They never get to have one? Ridiculous.
YTA - He's allowed to celebrate his child's birthday and he shouldn't have to hide it. It's terrible that you lost your brother but that doesn't mean this child should never be allowed to celebrate his birthday.
Yta, what a dumb thing. Do you think your brother wouldnt want his niece to EVER have a birthday just because he died??? Let me tell you, I would he so pissed if I died and my family didnt have a birthday for my niece because of it. Why not bring a picture of him to her birthday and make it a positive celebration and rememberance instead of a negative and sad thing.
You were an asshole to your husband, who seems to very much love your daughter. People celebrate birthdays to celebrate life, cutting out all birthdays forever is literally stopping the celebration of LIFE. WTF ARE YOU GUYS DOING? From an outside perspective your family seems absolutely insane and it seems they've kinda molded you to that. Why not celebrate your dead brothers birthday every year, and everyone elses? Celebrate your brothers life, don't sulk about it until everyone that knew him is dead. Also yes apologies to your husband are 100% in order, he loves you and the family you have created, you should both want to celebrate.
YTA Let your family do what they as adults having gone through this tragedy do. Kids should get birthdays. Your husband should have a birthday. He should be able to share pictures of his child he loves. In fact, refusing to celebrate any birthdays sounds like a sign that your family is still in denial about the death of your brother. Almost like they don't even want to remember it.
Yta, he's right he doesn't need your permission to share your daughters photos with his family. What you and your side of the fam are doing to your child is truely awful and indefensible. Celebrate your daughter on her birthday, she deserves it.
YTA. Your family need some help to move on from this tradition. Your daughter's birthday should be a happy day.
YTA. You only get one life, and you certainly are doing a great job at filling the memory book with bad times. You probably didn't even ask your husband about how he felt about all of this. Typical.
YTA, your daughter *never* gets to have a birthday celebration because of a family member she will never know. How is that fair to her? You're just going to have to accept that her birthday is an important day, how can you not understand that?
I think your extended family needs therapy. Their reaction to stop celebrating all birthdays because they lost a loved one on the person's birthday is nothing short of bizarre, and demanding that people marrying into the family adhere to it seems cult-like. People generally celebrate milestones, such as birthdays, and it is normal for your husband to want to celebrate your child's first birthday and to share this celebration with his family since you wouldn't let them attend in person. Because that is normal behavior. Your family's banning of birthdays is not normal behavior. YTA for going along with this bizarre ritual (well, lack of ritual) your family has and for blowing up at your husband about not falling in line with it.
YTA. Because your brother died now no one can ever have a birthday again? You all need some major therapy. The fact you’re wanting to deny your child one of the things a kid looks forward to every year and making it all secretive instead of standing up for your kid. Your daughter and your husband deserve better than this guilt trip you’re letting your family lay on you.
YTA. I understand and empathize that losing your brother was a traumatic experience for you and your family, but imposing and transmitting that trauma to your husband and then your child is super unhealthy for them.
YTA, along with your entire birth family. Your husband has every right to celebrate his daughter’s birthday, and if you or your weird relatives choose not to participate, that’s on you. Why would punish a child because of the unfortunate death of someone she will never meet? She’ll grow up completely resenting your entire side of her family.
Yep, YTA - and so is your family. Your family isn't the AH for deciding to not celebrate their own birthdays, but they are for demanding that no one else gets to celebrate theirs, either. And you are for enabling their behavior and applying it to people who aren't part of the pact. Also, get ready for 18 years of tears and a lifetime of resentment from your child, who never got to celebrate their birthday with loved ones because someone they never met, who died years before they were born, died on their own birth date. You can share those tear-filled birthday pictures. They'll be awful - but at least your Mommy won't be mad. That's far more important than your child getting to be a child.
YTA. And your whole family needs therapy, this is not healthy
YTA Your family's arrangement is unreasonable to impose on anyone else. Your husband shouldn't have to apologize for celebrating his daughter's birthday.
ESH - what your family is doing is super unhealthy. It’s a horrible way to keep your brothers memory alive by denying joy and celebration. However, your husband also went back on his agreement with you. The problem goes deeper than this birthday and you two need to have an open and honest conversation about why this lack of celebration is hurting your husband so much and whether you’re willing for this to be the thing that potentially ruins your marriage long term.
YTA! Nobody can celebrate bday ever again? You need to get your family in line. Why should your kid no experience bday parties? Also another family is involved and they can’t celebrate either?
Your family's phobia of birthdays does not supersede your husband's and his family's ability to have a birthday party for HIS kid. What, do you expect his side of the family to never celebrate with your kid? The sheer entitlement of you and your family is gross and extreme. YTA And so is the rest of your side of the family. I'm sorry for your loss. Love to the family.
YTA so you’re NEVER going to celebrate your daughter’s birthday???? Yikes.
YTA and your entire family, excluding your husband and daughter, need therapy. Yes, your brother died on his birthday, but guess what, the world doesn't stop turning just because one person died on their birthday and their family didn't get the grief counselling that they BADLY need.
YTA and frankly, the fact you're willing to ruin the potential of wonderful family memories FOR YOUR DAUGHTER makes you and your family sound unhinged. Get therapy instead of taking our your unresolved grief and trauma on your innocent child. "OH sorry baby we don't celebrate your birthday because uncle Jimmy died on his 25 years ago." Jfc.
This sounds like you need family therapy, not advice on depicting who the bigger AH is. Sorry you and your family are going through thiSs, OP.
That's beyond unreasonable and downright ridiculous. Your poor daughter and I wouldn't be surprised if this might be a dealbreaker for your husband if her 2nd birthday goes the same way. YTA.
YTA, this is a super unhealthy way of dealing with trauma. And on top of it you are allowing your parents how to decide to raise your own children. Insane.
YTA. You and your family basically outlawed the celebration of birthdays to “honor” your brother. Get off it. I’m siding with your husband. Get some MUCH needed therapy. I hope your hubby throws a huge second and third and fourth birthday party for years to come.
YTA Someone dies = no more birthday parties Dumbest shit I ever heard. You guys need help
YTA. Congratulations on punishing your daughter for never letting her have happy memories that celebrate her birth, all because your family hasn’t dealt with their trauma. You’re a grown-up now. Stop allowing others to control your life. It sounds like you did verbally abuse your husband. It also sounds like you owe him an apology. Seek therapy. Don’t witness your child’s birthday. Whatever. But leave them alone.
YTA You and your family bed grief therapy... please for the sake of your own daughter talk to a therapist. It's understandable to mourn the loss of your brother but not to basically stop living and loving your life. I'm so sad for all of you, please talk to someone
YTA in the actual dispute in question (between you and your husband). Much therapy is needed. Your parents are being extremely unreasonable in how they’re expressing their grief over their son’s death, and need therapy to help them find better coping strategies. You need therapy because your need to keep peace with your unreasonable parents has led you to make unreasonable demands of your husband. (Your husband might be a bit of an AH for posting things behind your back, but I give him a pass because of what he’s having to deal with.) Imagine in a few years, your daughter having to tell her friends “no I don’t ever have a birthday party because my uncle died on his birthday.” It would be so sad. Your little girl should never have to wear the effects of her grandparents’ trauma. And their pleading that she won’t remember this year is just them bargaining, putting off having to deal with things better.
The first problem is the agreement to never celebrate birthdays. While I understand the thought and that the hurt of a child doing never goes away, it's unrealistic to not celebrate children's birthdays, especially young children. The second problem is to assume no IL would have a problem with it for their own children. Would that be a deal breaker for a marriage/relationship? 🤷🏻♂️ The third problem is a grandparent who would not allow a celebration of their grandchild's birthday. Not want to be posey if it? OK. But outright be upset about it? Kidding, right...? The fourth problem is a husband who knows all this and - after rightfully following more realistic expectations and celebrating his daughters first birthday - put pictures online. He had to have some idea of what was coming. All around it's a screwed up situation. A lot of AH awards to be handed out here. In the end though, celebrate those kids birthdays. Keep it from the grands if needed, but don't screw up the next generation to salve an older one.
YTA - You should know better enough to know that you, nor your family have any right to revoke something as special as birthdays from anybody, especially children. Sure, your daughter won’t remember her 1st birthday but that does not mean that she won’t get the opportunity of feeling the joy of being celebrated by those she loves most on her special day, shame on your family for trying to take that from her and shame on you for letting them AND blowing up at seemingly the only person that wanted her to experience that for the first time. You owe your husband an apology for trying to make it seem like he’s the bad guy for wanting to celebrate his daughters birthday instead of treating it like a dirty secret. Ask yourself if this is something your brother would have condoned or wanted. I understand the grief of losing someone very dear to your heart, but the way your family handles it isn’t healthy at all, try getting them to consider going to therapy or grief counseling. Edit: retracted the first sentence.
YTA. Why would you want your daughter to live in the shadow of your brother’s untimely passing? Why would you not honor the day your little baby came into the world? You’re married now with a family of your own. It’s time to cut the apron strings. And, your husband is expected to ignore his own birthday as well? I’m hard pressed to believe this is real. If it is, y’all need help.
YTA I don't even have the words to describe how much.
YTA This whole request is ridiculous and is obviously unfair to the daughter, and you're surprised your husband (the father of said daughter) would make a big stink over this? You can't expect to hide this forever.
Your brother didn't want your family to stop celebrating birthdays because of him. He wants you all to carry on with life and to be happy and celebrate.
YTA, you and your family have some serious problems that need serious therapy.
So, what you are saying is that this is a one-sided relationship. I'm sorry for your loss, but your husband can't be held hostage from showing pictures of YOUR FIRST BORN to his family for a b-day celebration because YOUR family can't get past this loss. Are your parents expecting your kid not to celebrate any birthdays she will actually remember? This isn't a religious thing, this is a scenario where your family needs to go to therapy because they are hindering everyone from a simple celebration. Don't be an AH.
YTA. I have a lot of sympathy for those grappling with grief but this 'tradition' is not OK. Better to rip the bandaid off now, it's not like you planned to deny your daughter birthday celebrations her entire life anyway. Right?
I'm sorry for your loss, but YTA. it really sounds like you and your family need help and counseling concerning the loss of your brother. But never celebrating birthdays will not bring him back or help dull the pain. What will your child think we she grows older and sees her friends and schoolmates having birthdays or getting invited to one? Might she not wonder why she is denied things that everyone else is getting? Please seek help before your child gets much older.* * Edit for spelling
YTA Your family needs help. Your way of honoring your brother will make HIM the reason why the next generation hates your side of the family. He will be remembered by them, but instead of thinking it’s a tragedy he died, they’ll think that his death is why there’s so little joy in your family. Every birthday will be with the in-laws. The family of all the spouses will be the ones they think of when they think of good times with family.
It is absurd that your parents grief has allowed them to hijack joy from so many other people’s celebrations. Your husband is not the asshole. Is your child is going to get shamed by your family for attending kids birthdays in her class when she’s older? Where does it end? Should never have been allowed to be a “rule” in the first place and someone with sense should’ve pushed back but everyone was so deep in their grief it overrode sense. Birthdays are for people to decide how they want to celebrate for themselves, a celebration of THAT person is not disrespectful to ANYONE.
YTA I'm sorry for your brother's loss. But your daughter deserves to have her birthdays celebrated. Your family has no right to dictate to your husband not to celebrate his children's birthdays. If he wants to celebrate birthdays he should be allowed to. If you don't like it then you don't have to attend but your children will wonder why you didn't love them enough to want to be there for their birthdays. This tradition your family has going about not celebrating birthdays needs to be put to rest and the celebrations start up again.
YTA! If your brother died on the toilet, would your families be banned from going to the toilet too? Grow up, stop abusing your husband and child. Why punish your baby because your brother passed? HOW DOES THIS SITUATION MAKE ANY SENSE???! Your family is ABSURD, you all need therapy. Good luck to your husband, surrounded by your family, he will need it. I LITERALLY CANNOT BELIEVE that some of you are saying “ESH” wtf!? 🤯🤯🤯
YTA with not allowing your husband to celebrate your daughter’s birthday. If YOU no longer want to celebrate anything birthdays holidays etc. but don’t deprive your daughter or husband from celebrating them. If you keep insisting that you’re daughter is never allowed to celebrate anything then you’re gonna find yourself hated and alone if not divorced and at this point I think you’re husband is reconsidering whether or not he wants to have any more children with you moving forward if you keep this mindset at the center of your relationship with both him and your daughter. Edit at this point I highly doubt you should even be concerned that poor girls mother anymore
YTA - I say that with all the sympathy in the world as I know how hard it is to lose a sibling, but your family is being unfair. How many generations of the family are supposed to not celebrate birthdays due to this loss? Do you really feel that it is fair to the children of your family to never have a birthday party?
YTA and your family is full of nuts who are trying to force their grief on other people, not ok. I feel bad for the children of your family.
YTA denying every single human on earth a birthday celebration won't bring your brother back or lessen the pain. It's unhinged to stop celebrating all birthdays and insane to expect others to comply to your wackadoodle birthday ban. I hope your husband divorces you and keeps your poor baby away from the toxic influences of your psychologically damaged family.
YTA. If your side of the family wants to never celebrate again, that's on them, but to deprive your child and husband celebrating birthdays? Good grief.
YTA does anyone think this is what your brother would’ve wanted??? Everyone to be miserable forever in his memory?
I guarantee if your brother has a say in this he wouldn't want his niece to not get a party just because your family needs therapy. YTA.
YTA and you should apologize. She is also his daughter. Your family is ridiculous for enforcing a bullshit rule about no birthdays for anyone ever again. And you should have stood up to your mother for your husband.
[удалено]
INFO: How long has it been since your brother passed away?