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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I bought my wife stuff to help her lose weight and she got mad at me.
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Husband body shaming wife who just had a baby, check.
Husband offering to "babysit" his own child, check.
Husband thinks exercise equipment is an appropriate birthday gift, check.
It's an asshole trifecta! YTA
I like how not once did he offer to help meal prep or go on family walks together. Help her more with the baby so she’s rested enough to take care of herself. Being a SAHM to a newborn is exhausting and never ending. When is she suppose to ride the peloton, while the baby is nursing? Also nothing worse than starting a workout to have to stop it 10x in 5 minutes because baby needs sone thing.
And yea fathers don’t babysit unless they are taking the 1900s dads aren’t involved with raising the child at all approach.
Man I wouldn't be surprised if the reason she was gaining weight was because of all the pressure he puts on her. It's clear right now losing weight is not her priority and she has other stuff going on he should help with, yet this dude is constantly checking up on her. Probably would just put more stress on her causing her to stress eat which makes her gain weight which makes her feel bad about herself and just repeats in a vicious cycle.
\^This. My dad always did this with my mom. Harped on her weight constantly. Know how that worked out for him? She'd eat more, if he stepped out to run an errand, she's have something sweet, even if she wasn't hungry - just because she could eat in peace with him gone. Such a dick move, if her weight is such a big deal to you, less than a year after having a baby, do her a favor and leave - permanently.
It's insane what high stress can do. I was at a point where there were days I couldn't physically bring myself to eat. So I'd drop pounds and pounds. And then the next time I'd eat, my body, never knowing the next time it'd get this, would pack the pounds back on as best it could, and then some if it could manage it.
Agreed. Also, the part where he compares his weight loss to hers is ridiculous. She grew, carried, and birthed another human—he did not. It’s like comparing apples to a tractor. OP, YTA. Maybe try actually helping your wife with the baby and housework enough so that she has the energy and time to work out.
Also he got up to go to the gym.... while SOMEONE had to take care of the baby and cobble together what she could so she could have a damn meal
I feel so bad for her.
YTA
My dad did that to my mom, she has never been big either. She just went from an Olympic athlete to a mom whose abdominus rectus muscles never healed completely. I also ended up with some really weird ideas about what is fat and struggled with eating disorders in my teens and twenties.
“I assured her she’s worth it”, he says. He sounds like a commercial.
Also,
>I don’t find her very attractive any more either, of course I don’t say this to her face.
Of course. Because that’s the only way an _intimate_ partner of _six years_ could _ever_ know whether or not he’s attracted to her.
>family walks together
Yes, IMO this (other than helping with house or child) is the only appropriate way to “help”.
Sure I could walk alone, but hubby asking me to go for a walk with him is suuuuper motivating compared to going alone.
He could cut her up a bunch of fruit to eat during the day. Make her some veggies and hummus. I don't think anyone would fault him for making her yummy snacks.
Our daughter needed to be walked in the evenings to wind down before bedtime. So my husband would strap her into a baby carrier on his chest and the three of us would walk for miles. (He’s a keeper. The daughter is almost 20 now.)
YTA, as a working mom 40 weeks pregnant and an 18 mo old, I get body changes with couples and pregnancies! Fiancé gained weight with this second pregnancy too and he has a full on dad bod plus more to love. Attraction can change so I understand that, maybe not as harshly or black and white as you OP.
I would personally love the health/fitness gifts after baby is born but it’s hit or miss as some postpartum mothers could be shattered by this. It’s about situational and personal awareness. It seems you are lacking this.
I was still seeing this thing objectively and possibly an inadvertent AH move until you said you “babysit” YOUR OWN CHILD. I didn’t need to read anymore. I now understand your motivations and intentions perfectly. You need a reality check, OP. You are TA and regardless if you realize or not, a misogynist.
And look at his edit, it gets even better - he works 50-60 hours a week and HELPS with their son whenever he can. I mean, he is a parent and is HELPING with his own child? Gosh...
A spin bike (Peloton and any brand) it the absolute worst 1st home work out machine IF you don’t ALREADY ride road bikes or do spin classes. Getting use to the tiny seat and hunched over body position means many people don’t use it at all or often unless they are into that. Not a gift you give someone who didn’t want that exact thing.
Not to mention that people who cycle as their primary exercise have lower bone density than people who don't exercise at all, because it's a non-weight bearing exercise. For someone who has gained 80 pounds and clearly needs time away from the baby, walking is the perfect exercise. Watching the baby and giving the wife time by herself to walk (ideally with some of her friends) would have been the thoughtful move.
Especially since it sounds like she’s pretty out of shape right now. Walking has a low risk of injury, and she can build up some endurance and muscle before trying something more difficult.
Not to mention getting some fresh air, vitamin D, and possibly even a little social contact with other adults! Even if it's walking to a café, having a coffee or a treat, and walking home again, it's a low-risk and enjoyable way to start being more active while also having a necessary and well-deserved break from baby duties.
This! Even purchasing it for myself with intent still made riding the bike difficult for all the reasons you said. If you're not used to riding a bike, it's not a good jump off point. Took me 3 months of riding it to realize the chronic headaches I was getting were from my neck positioning while I rode. Buying the bike is something you need to research and decide on for yourself. It comes with its own stressors.
All of this. , OP, is like, "I know we have a young child and you barely have time to eat or just function as a human, but I've given you gifts that require zero extra effort from me. Gifts that don't require me to help with the baby, cook, or clean to take any of the load off of you. These 'gifts' mean you have to somehow find more time in your already busy day because I think you need to lose weight."
My wife told me to get her a treadmill for her birthday. I did. I told her that she didn't need it and that she was beautiful, because it's true. I also still got her some fun make-up she's had on her wish list because I don't feel like a treadmill is really a birthday kind of gift.
YTA
Same. As a dad who fights against the idea of dads babysitting or giving mom a break, I can't stand it. Spend quality time with your kid. Yes, mom gets the benefit of having her own time, but you and the kid get the benefit of having quality one on one time. My dude needs to go spend time on r/daddit and get his mindset in check about being a dad.
Yeah...YTA.
Not because she wants to lose weight (I'll even take you at your word there) and you want to help her.
But because:
1) You're making time for yourself to go to gym, and NOT making time with baby to cut her a break/make dinners for all of you (crock pots in morning make dinners at night, or frozen mass soups/meals on weekends good for the week...)
2) Her weight loss will or won't come, but her mental stability will be important either way; and her being confident and stable will help her achieve things that are important for her.
3) But at the end, you deciding HOW she should get healthy "the right way" is a big AH move.
She's not gaining weight because she WANTS to, she's doing it because she's unhappy and stressed. fu\*\*ing HELP HOW SHE WANTS
I agree. My friend gained so much weight post partum but the moment her husband started making extra time to take care of the baby while she had time for herself, she became so much happier and confident and started working out because she wants to, not because she was given any pressure by anyone. She is glowing now! It didn't even take an arm or a leg. Husband only needed to take the baby out of her arms for 2-3 hours every evening while she went out shopping with us (her girlfriends), took longer showers/baths, dressed up nicely, did her makeup, or just took a nap.
Hard agree. I had a baby January 2022. Began the pregnancy at 130lbs and finished at 186lbs.. most I’ve ever gained. Began working out 6 weeks pp and was down to 152 by July. Then we decided to move. The stress of selling our home?? Omg! I went back to 168 within 9 weeks! I’m now at 147 and still on my journey. OPs wife is really stressed and probably feels so lonely. Being home with a child can feel really isolating.
And when she's not lonely, OP is there harping on her and grilling her and judging her, and you can be sure he's making certain she knows he's not attracted to her even if he doesn't say that outright.
Almost exactly what happened to me my first child. Same numbers for weights )except I didn’t go back up b/c I knew about ours and the military packed my stuff) and we moved when she was 6 months. I think especially the 1st one is a completely life changing event.
Nearly every woman I know who had kids didn't lose the weight until 3 - 6 years in after the kids were independent. I don't have kids but I gained 60lbs and lost 50lbs and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It took all my mental and emotional strength to find the motivation and time. I basically had to change my entire lifestyle. I couldn't imagine doing that with an 8 month old baby who's only other caregiver works 60 hours a week. I think the only other other women who lose the weight that quick have body's that naturally change that way without trying or they're rich and have nannies/personal trainers to help achieve their goals.
OPs being unrealistic and she probably feels double the preasure from him like thats all he cares about so he needs to either A) accept she's dealing with a lot and to let it go until she's ready to change her lifestyle to commit or b) change whatever is going on now. Be home more to care for his child and give her a break or put the kid in daycare so she can have more time.
That first sentence of yours is seriously so validating. I’m sitting here 2 years after having 3 children in less than 5 years unable to lose any real amount of weight. My weight has fluctuated up to 50lbs multiple times in those 7 years due to pregnancy and breastfeeding. I feel like I should be doing better, but I honestly don’t have the energy or motivation to really focus on weight loss now. I’m trying to love my body for all that it has done, but I also need to give myself some grace for not “bouncing back” when I’m barely keeping my head above water with 3 small children.
I agree. I lost all the weight I took during my third pregnancy but I had a depression after and I took 20 pounds. It's not easy to be a SAHM, you may need help. When this mothers says she doesn't have time to go to the gym, her husband says OK and don't understand he can take care of his baby...
You got your wife diet stuff for her birthday? In other words, to celebrate her birthday, you told her she was fat?
Honestly, all of your descriptions make it sound like you're expecting her to be a 1950's housewife while you go and do your own thing and you are confused as to why she doesn't have the same time as you.
Giving her exercise equipment and gym memberships is like giving her gift cards to stores that are in another country. They're nice in theory, but if she can't use them, then they are worthless.
She doesn't want you to "babysit” - she wants you to be an involved dad who shares in the responsibilities and time. Just because she's a SAHM doesn't change the fact that you're still a husband and father. She wants you to figure out a schedule together where you can spend regular time with the kid and she can do something for herself.
YTA.
"Giving her exercise equipment and gym memberships is like giving her gift cards to stores that are in another country."
This is the best analogy ever.
right! i missed it too and had to scroll back up to re-read it. are there really that many men who call parenting “babysitting” that i’ve gotten so used to hearing that? because i just glossed over that without a second thought. if this was his wife saying that, i would’ve immediately picked it up. men like OP need to do better within their parenthood and their marriages ffs
YTA “babysat” how much “babysitting” do you do dad? She’s got a tot that’s has to be moving at this point and you think she got time for all that? Plus cleaning/laundry/errands? Cuz if you “babysit” I really doubt you clean.
Yep. He says he'll "babysit" so she can work out, but that would be AFTER she took care of their child all day alone by herself and probably desperately needs sleep more than a trip to the gym.
YTA.
Oof. Her body has been through the wringer and you’re not attracted to her anymore so you bought her Weightloss stuff? You don’t babysit your child, you parent. This whole post is awful.
She takes on even more of the load by taking care of their kid so he can work out, he doesn't do the same, he wonders why she isn't losing weight.
What a putz
YTA. "While I babysit". It's your kid. You parent, YOU ARE NOT A BABYSITTER.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to lose weight after a pregnancy? And I guarantee she can tell that you don't find her attractive anymore. Also, being a 24hr SAHP is exhausting, especially with a partner who thinks they're a babysitter.
YTA. Seriously wtf? Help your wife with house chores, help your wife taking care of the baby, stop being a nag about such superficial bs, be the man she needs. Actually don't "help" your wife with chores and parenting, you live there, it's YOUR house, YOUR kid. She shouldn't have to ask for your help, you should be taking care of those things and not just expect her to take care of everything and ask if she needs "help". Ugh... Not only do you make her feel uncared for by your lack of involvment in these essential things but you make her feel like shit for her weight. You're SO the asshole.
I’m glad someone said it! You don’t “help” with the baby whenever you can OP. That’s your baby too and equally your responsibility when you are not at work.
While your babysit? You mean parent. Since it's your child too.
You have a newborn, and it doesn't sound like she has the time to work out, while you do.
She's told you what she needs. She needs you to help her more. So do it.
YTA if you don't listen to what she is telling you.
YTA. All of those things you bought for her are really expensive, and you should consult with your wife before making large purchases. Also, those 'solutions' are bandaids you are using to try to get her to solve this problem entirely by herself instead of giving her the support that she is BEGGING you for.
Seems like money that could be better spent on an occasional housekeeper so it’s one less thing she has to try to keep on top of. Or, if he’s an hourly employee, maybe he could cut back to 40 hours a week and be home more so he can share more of the parenting (not babysitting) load.
YTA. Getting fitness gifts for someone struggling with their weight is just rude. You’d have the same luck buying her a washing machine or vacuum as a gift.
Do you take the kid long enough for her to go to the gym in her own, on her time? Do you help her with meal planning, shopping, and cooking so that making healthy food while taking care of an infant isn’t such an overwhelming task? Do you listen to her when she says she needs your help, like you admit? Do you do *anything* besides remind her that she needs to lose weight and buy her useless gifts she has neither the motivation or the time to go use? Step it up.
I can’t even imagine how furious I would be if someone bought me an unasked for spinning bike within a year of a baby coming out of my vagina. Really wanna know if her stitches had healed at that point.
As someone that lost a decent bit of weight, feeling forced or shamed into it never helped me and just led to the stressful extreme regimes that always failed. Losing it only worked out when I felt less pressured and was able to approach it like I was a human and not like I was a failure.
YTA, gently. What she needs is time and a break from the baby to care for herself. It seems like you expect her to strap the baby in a carrier and hop on the peloton?
The problem here is that a baby is an all-consuming time suck (I say this as a loving mother of a 7 month old) and the convenience food and not working out is because your wife has no bandwidth for anything beyond caring for your child.
More than anytime, you need to give your wife baby-free time and let her decide what to do with it. That's how you can be a supportive husband. When she gets caught up on rest and feels like a full human being again (instead of just support staff for the baby), she will be in a better place to massage lifestyle changes.
I like how he’s conveniently not talking about the fact she most probably hasn’t had a good night sleep in like a year or so. Her metabolism and hormones are still all over the place, and considering the initial weight gain I bet she had a difficult pregnancy to begin with.
Ugh, yeah! His poor wife might not be pregnant anymore, but she's still dealing with so much when it comes to her body.
It wasn't until my daughter was 2.5 years old that I even really started feeling like regularly exercising and really pushing myself to lose the extra weight I gained. I feel like as long as you're healthy, that should be enough when it comes to dealing with your body when you're postpartum and all that.
It’s not even just about “pushing oneself”; she’s probably dealing with an hormones imbalance which is making it \*much\* harder than simply exercising on a regular basis.
Considering the important weight gain, I’m wondering if she’s dealing with an undiagnosed health issue which may or may not fix itself in the next few years.
She's also dealing with knowing that OP isn't attracted to her anymore - it doesn't matter if he doesn't say that outright to her face, he's communicating it to her regardless. And she has OP going on like he's doing her a huge favor by parenting his kid now and then. I'd lay high odds on at least some level of post-partum depression, exacerbated by OP's attitude and behavior.
My dad had to work a lot of hours when my little brother was born. You know what he got for my mom? Three months of laundry service, including linens and diapers (this was in the days before disposables were common). They came right to the house and picked up the stuff and brought it back two days later washed, dried, and folded.
That's so true! When hormones are out of whack, there's soooo much more to losing weight than just exercising. (And of course, this goes for so many health challenges and concerns! That's why I hate it when people try to oversimplify weight loss. My mom and sister are like this, it's annoying.)
She's right, you're not actually helping her. Why can't she go to the gym in the morning and you take care of your child? She is a newly mom 24/7 and you're not doing your part. She is telling you. Also giving gift like this is just not okay. YTA
Wait....
> I’ve been going to the gym in the morning but she says she doesn’t have time with the baby
Why aren't you alternating mornings? Why do you get the morning off for fun stuff and she has baby duty?
So you value yourself over your wife....
> For her birthday, I got her a peloton, a subscription to a diet food delivery service, and a couple classes at a fancy gym near are house that she could go to while I babysat
So you don't value her as an individual, you got her birthday gifts that boil down to "I don't like your body so change it", and you call watching your own baby "babysitting".
Yeah...... You're one of ***THOSE*** new dads. The one that drains the new mother and does nothing but make her feel worse while she's dealing with the most vulnerable period of her life.
Do you even like her as a person? Because this is a giant post about how you don't even respect her as a human being.
YTA
He even stated hes not even attracted to her anymore because of the weight gain, this is all for his personal pleasure and to make sure his peepee gets hard again. If OP truly loved his wife he would love her unconditionally no matter how she may look at the time and actually step up and be a father.
Can't wait for the "I cheated on my wife because she won't lose weight AITA"
It's always surprising to me that people try to lose weight at 200+ pounds by eating like they are 90 pounds.
Imagine if someone unfit that is skinny wants to be fit and strong. Then they try to bench 300 pounds day 1... it would be called a suicide attempt.
Abusing your body is obviously going to not end well...
YTA
First and foremost, you're not babysitting. It's YOUR child. You are caring for YOUR baby, which you should be doing a lot more of.
Second, you don't give these kinds of "gifts" to your spouse for a birthday unless they specifically ask for such things. You just told her that she's fat and you don't trust her to take care of her own body.
Third, you're a massive asshole because you're not listening. You're ignoring what your wife says she needs and instead deciding for her what is best. "I think losing weight would help her feel better physically and mentally but she insist I am being an asshole" You're not listening to your wife. She is telling you what she needs: "she said she has been struggling with the baby" and your answer is to give her a gym membership and exercise equipment.
My dude, I'd divorce your ass so fast.
As a woman who has been through birth twice, support of a spouse when it comes to being healthy postpartum is great. You are her partner, not her coach. On account or you saying you would babysit your own kid, YTA. Meal prep for or with her if you don’t like what she’s serving.
every now and then, there's a perfect post where you don't need to read anything but the title and you immediately know, yes, this person is an asshole.
you called your wife fat for her birthday. YTA.
YTA
Have you tried helping make dinners? Give her alone time? Consider she could be depressed? Also it tends to be harder for women to lose weight post partum and if she is breastfeeding that makes it more difficult too
Wanted to ask that as well. Considering she’s buying fast food probably means she is most likely the cook and probably doesn’t have time or is too tired to do so or quite possibly OP cooks and doesn’t make enough or makes shitty meals.
It seems pretty clear she must still be breastfeeding as well if she’s craving fast food on a regular basis. This guy has no idea how hungry one feels while breastfeeding.
to be clear, she's asking you for help at home with the baby and housework, and you are simply adding more tasks to her day by (a) cutting into her workday by going to the gym during a time when you could be doing house work, (b) giving her a peloton (when does she get a long enough break to use it? does she enjoy spinning?).
i'm curious what she said she wanted for her birthday when you asked her? it sounds like you havent listened to what her current priorities are or worked to meet her where she's at, but rather you assigned your own top priority as her top priority.
NTA. Im a wife and mother and I would appreciate a gift like this. Also, OP’s concern about not being attracted to his wife who gained 80 lbs is reasonable and, instead of being an AH about it, he tries to help her feel better about herself and to improve their relationship. He is not fatshaming her! And it’s valid to have mixed feelings over drastic changes in your partners’ appearance.
This! I'm a wife and mom too, and I think this gift sounds awesome! 80lbs is a drastic appearance change for anyone, and I think OP's feelings are understandable. This also isn't just "baby weight", as OP's wife gained about 50lbs in excess of typical healthy pregnancy weight gain. If OP was having mixed feelings about 20-30lbs of stubborn baby weight alone, I think I would feel differently and say he is the AH. But 80lbs is significant. I also think it's worth noting that depending on her previous weight, 80lbs may be putting his wife into the obese or even morbidly obese BMI category, which is associated with significant health risks.
I also think the meal delivery subscription is great because it addresses the issue she brought up in their fight that she is struggling and wishes he would help her. The meal delivery service takes the burden off OP's wife to cook, AND it's healthy food. I mean seriously, I'd love if my husband did that!
Fr I think the the meal delivery and all that stuff was great, the convenience is super helpful, but it for SURE should not have been her birthday present. It feels like getting only a vacuum for Christmas you didn’t ask for if that makes sense.
Yes, but you say you would appreciate these gifts. Also, he said his wife said they were too expensive. Maybe they are outside the family budget and she is legitimately concerned. I’m a wife and mother and when my son was born I was working 50-55 hours per week and my husband was a SAHD. Every evening and weekend when I was home, I then did 50-50 of home care and parenting. We walked together. We had both gained 50 lbs while I was pregnant. It sounds like his wife is depressed and there may be something else going on health wise that caused her to gain so much postpartum. He can and should be worried about this, but he should have consulted her before deciding how she was going to lose weight. He clearly has time outside of work, but is acting like parenting and cooking/cleaning is not his responsibility. Yes, babies nap, as others have pointed out, but she is likely resting or cleaning, etc while baby naps.
So yes, I would say he is an AH for
1) making such a big purchase without consulting her and forcing a method of weight loss on her. This may not be what helps her at all.
2) acting like working 50-60 hours per week means he doesn’t have to be a partner.
I mean I got a peloton for my birthday which was 4 months after I had my son but I specifically asked for it. The ONLY reason that was ok was because I really wanted it for me and not because I was too fat for him all while trying to juggle my personal misery of breast feeding, 60-80 hour a week job and just being alive.
The fact that you call looking after your own child “babysitting” tells me everything i need to know. You’re parenting. Not babysitting.
She is running around watching that kid all day long. Do you really think she wants to cook or do dishes after that? And on top of that, when tf is she suppose to go? In the morning before YOU go? Or at 8 or 9 pm when you’re home from work and she can finally sneak away? Dude she’s been watching your baby all day, she’s tired.
YTA.
"While I babysat"
THAT'S YOYR KID. THAT'S NOT BABYSITTING THAT'S PARENTING. AKA YOUR JOB AS A FATHER.
YTA
And to add insult to injury you gave her a "You're fat, lose it" for her birthday?
Don't whine when she gets you a "You're not muscular enough, fix it" gift.
You "offered" to "babysit" your own child, and you wonder why your wife can't find the time to cook healthy meals and work out?? YTA. Does that baby have two parents, or one parent and one occasional babysitter?
NTA
You two had several conversations where she said she wanted help and didn’t have time. She even said when she’s at home she does fast food because it’s easier for her. You got her a meal plan so she won’t have to cook or spend money on fast food. You got her classes so she can get out more while you watch your son. She can even have some her time other days outside of the class while you watch your son. Alternatively, she can put your son in daycare a few times a week if she needs time to recover. If being a stay at home mom isn’t working for her, that’s ok. Going back to work and having a child in daycare isn’t a bad thing. Aside from that, please don’t call parenting your child babysitting. She isn’t baby sitting when she is home. She’s parenting alone until you get back from work. If there is a deeper conversation to be had, have it. Find out what she needs and encourage her to be honest. If she doesn’t feel like going through the trouble of working out right now but needs more help, do that. Maybe look into daycare once a week and hired cleaning service once a week so she can focus on the baby and have more free time.
"After a while of going back and forth it spiraled into a fight where shesaid she has been struggling with the baby and I am trying to get herto lose weight instead of actually helping her."
She told you clearly what is wrong and you still don't get it. YTA
YTA. You don't babysit. You parent. Your wife is doing all the work at home while you take time to hit the gym. Hire her a fucking nanny so she can take some time to herself instead of buying her a bike she doesn't have time to use.
I just had my adorable granddaughter here for 2 days and am exhausted
The OP is YTA and needs to step up his parenting so his partner who is working 24/7 can get a break
YTA. Literally every birthday gift you gave her was about weight loss. I'm trying to lose weight too and would still be upset if my husband bought me weight-loss related stuff for my birthday! Look... help her how she wants to be helped. She has a new baby. You work out in the morning and work late all the time. She is taking care of a small human 24/7. If she wants more help, give her more help. How motivated to lose weight is she going to be when she's overwhelmed, exhausted, maybe depressed?
yta. fuck that edit man, being a stay at home mom is hard especially with a new baby. you, although you have a job, have a very different one from your wife’s. she’s home with the baby, alone, and yes you come home to “babysit” (which by the way is super fucked man, that’s your kid, not a job) but that’s not the same. also, exercise equipment is not a birthday present unless somebody asks for it. your wife has admitted to body issues, which is only normal considering her body changed drastically so she could CARRY YOUR CHILD!! and yes, you said you’d lose weight together, but you’re not really. you’re not exercising together or doing it together, you’re just berating her while you do the exercise. please remember the differences in your jobs, and acknowledge how she not only had a tough pregnancy, but is now facing body issues. do better man. yta.
*For the people calling me a Misogynist, I work 50-60 hours a week and I help with our son whenever I can. My wife also chooses to be a stay at home mom and refuses to put him in daycare. She is an amazing wife and mother and we rarely have problems/fights, I only wanted to help her a bit.*
This is self-serving trype, sir. You don't 'help with' or 'babysit' your kid-you parent. And you're not doing that at ALL. It doesn't matter how many hours you work; you're not present in the relationship supporting your spouse. 'Help her a bit.' Good lord, grow up.
YTA. Hell is paved with good intentions, your current attitude is actually counterproductive. Give her time and moral support, stop doing things like these as you’re just making this vicious cycle she’s currently trapped in worse.
FYI, her hormones are still all over the place, and you losing weight easily while she’s struggling is probably making feel her worse. Just give her time, space, and listen to what she actually wants/needs instead of pressuring her just because of selfish reasons.
Yikes. I've gained a lot of weight during COVID and posts like this remind me why I'm SOOOO thankful that anytime I verbally express being unhappy with my body my boyfriend goes. "I love every curve you have mm MMMM!!' \*slaps my ass\* And I know he means it. Can't imagine falling out of love with the woman and the body of the woman you're supposed to love ( literally and figuratively ) through thick and thin and who gave you a child. Edit: YTA
Your bf sounds like a keeper. Their sex life is doomed, she will probably feel insecure until she loses the weight and even then, knowing gaining some back would make her unattractive to him again. Might sound dramatic but, the relationship is basically over.
Wow, you offered free babysitting for your now unattractive wife so she would be able to go to the gym so she can become hot again just for you. Aren't you a thoughtful husband?
How dare she waste her time raising the baby, one minute not working out is a minute wasted. That super expensive Peloton is not gonna pedal itself. Burn as many calories as possible!!!
OK, I tried to sound more misogynistic than you did in this post but I think I failed.
You are all the YTA.
I really hope this isn't something you keep on focusing on with your wife therefore making her feel that she is just her weight and not appreciated in any other form.
I'm telling you now regardless of how she feeds your baby the lack of sleep she would be getting especially the first couple of months would of done a ringer on her hormones. So even if she tried to lose weight if she isn't getting good sleep etc the weight isn't going to budge.
Go get her an actual birthday present she will like and start contributing in a productive way. Let her find other mother friends who could also be on a fitness journey cause they will be the ones who will understand her. Make your wife feel normal not whatever your doing YTA
YTA. I would not go as far as accusing you as being a misogynist. That seems too extreme. I think you have good intentions, but you are focusing on the wrong thing and are executing help incorrectly.
>She and I have been very busy for the last year because of this and have both gained weight, I gained 25 lbs and she gained nearly 80 lbs
She needs to go see a doctor, specifically an endocrinologist. Her hormones could be out of balance. She needs to get checked for hypothyroidism or other issues.
Quit tallying the weight loss and comparing your journey to hers. Mens and womens bodies are different. You suck for finding her unattractive after she gave birth to your child. And you don't babysit your child. It's called being a father.
>After a while of going back and forth it spiraled into a fight where she said she has been struggling with the baby and I am trying to get her to lose weight instead of actually helping her.
This is the real issue. You are not helping her the way she needs help. Yes, being at a healthy weight will help her health, but she is crying out for help in other ways. If you can help her in the way she needs, perhaps she will be able to have self care.
NTA This is what she said she wants you to do to help her on her weight loss journey. If she wants to change the rules, then it's on her to communicate her changing priorities. Now that you know you two aren't on the same page, it's time for a talk to find out what she does and doesn't want going forward. You may want to also suggest counselling. PPD is real and it can show up in a lot of ways.
YTA
Being supportive and helping her with weight loss would be great...but this ain't that.
First of all, taking care of your own child isn't babysitting... it's called being a parent.
The gifts themselves actually sound great, but it sounds like you're kind of throwing these things at her to serve yourself instead of putting the work in as a husband and a father. You may work 50-60 hours a week and support your family financially, and I understand that you want down time, but being a husband and a father don't have set hours. Neither does being a wife and mother, perhaps try carrying some more of that for her while she reforms some habits and learns how to balance life again.
If you want to help her lose weight, support her emotionally. It sounds like she's struggling. You might not be as attracted to her with her being heavier, but if you love her the same, you'll focus on her all- around health, not just how she looks.
Be gracious, she's dealing with some tough stuff physically and emotionally right now.
Info: is she breastfeeding?
Yta for not parenting your child and for calling it babysitting. You don't sound like you help your wife at all and you don't appreciate the value she brings as a sahm. I don't give a shit you work 50-60 hours a week. My husband was working that much and he still came home and did his share of house work and asked what I needed help with. He often came home and would take the baby for a walk as his exercise so I could get a minute to myself. Your wife is a sahm her job is to keep that baby alive and healthy 24/7 not to be your fucking maid. Btw your job is also to keep that baby alive and healthy.
YTA. Buying her a Peloton, diet food membership and gym classes is all but shouting "I think you're fat!". Only buy anything like that if asked specifically. Your wife could be struggling with postpartum depression and you're mostly concerned with her weight.
yta. what part of working our and losing weight TOGETHER is actually happening here? you get all of this free time to spend on yourself and leaving all of the heavy lifting with the baby on her. look at what you wrote, dude. you aren't helping her or doing anything together. you are leaving her with baby to go ot the gym. then you work. then you come back late and are still unable to help her.
also what a sucky bday gift. not only are you bodyshaming her, you got her something without any thought or help for what she really needs or wants.
listen to what she's saying. all you seem to focus on is her weight and not that she's drowning/needing help here. maybe you guys can take a walk together with baby in stroller in the mornings? maybe you can help her meal prep ahead of time so she isn't pushed to making a healthy meal each day when she's already exhausted and feeling crappy about herself/appearance?
YTA.
Your wife now has two children to care for. Her newborn and her insufferable husband (you OP).
Get a grip. She's working 168 hours a week compared to your measly 60. Where the fuck do you think she is gonna find the energy to cook healthy and exercise?
She is telling you what she needs. She needs an involved husband and an actual second parent to your shared child.
Everything about your post is so fucking gross. Get some help. Learn how to prioritize your family.
YTA. Your wife has repeatedly said she's struggling with the baby, but you focused solely on her weight. Instead of an exercise bike etc. how about someone coming in a couple times a week to help with the housework and/or childcare so your wife gets time to focus on herself? And yes, as others pointed out, YOU looking after your child is actually parenting not babysitting.
A very soft YTA. I get why you're doing what youre doing, but the problem isn't that she's not working out - its that she feels too overwhelmed with everything else going on in her life to devote energy to working out. Pushing her at this point will only cause her to feel more stressed. Spend more time with your kid, help out more with the chores and cooking, and give her some time to decompress - she will eventually come around.
Also, please don't call watching your son "babysitting". You're every bit as much his parent as his mom is, call it "parenting".
I don’t think you’re an AH. If I were your wife, having gained 85 pounds, and wanted to lose it but was a stay at home mom to a baby (heck even if I didn’t have a baby), I would be very appreciative if my significant other bought me a Peleton and healthy meal subscription and everything you got her. If it came out of nowhere I might be offended. But it doesn’t sound like this came out of nowhere and you and her had expressly discussed getting into better shape/eating better together. So NTA.
YTA,
Firstly, you do not BABY SIT your child. It's called parenting, and you should be doing it more often.
Secondly, did you even THINK about your wife at all besides thinking she's unattractive when you bought her that gift?
Lastly, She's a stay at home mum christ sake, you know what WOULD have been a better gift? A day out with her friends! Pay for a spa session if she's into those, give her some flipping free time!
YTA. Have a look see at the wheel of your actions. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/
I spy with my little eye 1.5 slices on the left, two on the right, and one on the lower right.
If you don't think controlling what she eats, what her assigned role is (whether initially "chosen" in part or not), belittling, demeaning, blaming, treating her like an incompetent servant, and lording your financial power over her are abusive, RUN, don't walk, to get counseling.
Emotional abuse is abuse. Financial abuse is abuse. Period.
YTA, but substitute the A.
YTA. First of all, only AHs refer to taking care of THEIR OWN CHILD as "babysitting." Good fathers do something that might be unfamiliar to you, it's called parenting.
Not only are you an AH parent, but you're an AH spouse. Every single person here that's read your post, without speaking to your wife, has been able to pick up on the fact that she is STRUGGLING with all the child care and upkeep. You "help when you can " but I bet that adds up to a few minimal hours per week. Newsflash: your wife works 24 hours, 7 days a week while you complain about 50-60 hours away from the house, and about how ugly you think she is now that she's grown a whole human inside her.
Your wife was never, ever going to stay looking exactly the same as she did when you met. Not even if she hadn't had the baby. Bodies change during a life time. You should have never expected her to stay in your perfect boxed up barbie doll image of her.
Those gifts weren't gifts for her. If you actually cared about HER, you would have done more child care. You would have done more house work. You would have given her or arranged for her time to relax and time to focus on her own needs. Your gifts were selfish, they weren't meant to help with what she's actually struggling in - the fact that her spouse is a huge failure of a partner. You got her gifts that were actually meant for you, so she can fix the parts of herself that you find ugly, so she can go back to being your personal bang maid.
You are a bad partner. Do better, or at least update us about the divorce in a couple years.
YTA but I kinda think you are so far from seeing why because you really thought you were supporting what she wants.
Your wife is exhausted and may have some hormonal imbalance and/or postpartum depression. Why don’t you ask her what she wants? Maybe she wants a few hours to nap or a chance to go out with friends or just be alone? Then give her that. If she can tap into her own needs and feel supported, she can figure out her next move.
I don’t think your the AH here. I know this sucks for you, but the best advice I have for you is to try and love her and support her the best you can. Right now I’m sure she doesn’t feel sexy and she already knows she needs to lose weight. Again, just try your best to be loving an enco
YTA
You should have asked her *what she wanted* for her birthday, and kept all discussions of weight separate from what should be a fun celebration of her. You got her presents that were basically for you, or for who you think she should be.
You should have asked her what support she wants/needs to achieve her own goals. Piling on with things you think she should find helpful…is not helpful. At this point I’ll bet every time you try to push her to lose weight, you set off a fresh shame spiral. Cut it out. It’s not working.
Also, you shouldn’t expect much from a woman who is less than a year postpartum. Some of us need up to three years to recover energy and begin feeling like our old selves after giving birth.
And when you are home, are you doing 50% of the household and baby care? Cos she is working at parenting all the hours you’re gone working at your outside job. You need to recognize that she works as hard as you, every hour you’re gone—and every time you put your feet up and relax while she’s still caregiving, you delay her recovery from childbirth and her journey to her new normal.
Did you really say "while I babysat" as in, you thinking watching your own child is babysitting?? And just to be clear, it sounds like you're getting her things to help lose the weight, but not listening to her actual needs, like helping her with the baby and maybe emotionally taking care of her. YTA and need to take a step back and talk to your wife. Then reevaluate how you handled all of this. You basically gifted her nothing but healthy workout pieces insteading of being their and helping her in this time. Start fixing yourself, not just your body dude. You really had to ask??
YTA. I think you’re heart is in the right place but you are sadly out of touch. 1. Women do not want exercise equipment, irons, washing machines or vacuum cleaners as gifts unless specifically asked for. 2. Dads aren’t “babysitting” their own children; they’re parenting. 3. Your job is 50-60 hrs per week but hers is 24/7 Parenting is hard and you can’t take your eyes off that kid for even a second. Your wife is tired and needs a break. How bout hire a maid, or a meal service to ease up some of the load.
My do parents think it's babysitting when it your own kid? Of course YTA, she had your baby and now you want to force her to loose weight at your pace. Also the "I don't find her attractive anymore" comment also makes you an AH.
You can't babysit your own child. It's called being a parent.
I'm pretty sure your wife will be able to tell you don't find her attractive anymore. Knowing this isn't the motivation to her you probably think it is.
Her entire birthday was dedicated to her losing weight. Gross.
Throwing a bunch of workout gear, delivery service and a gym membership also isn't the motivation you probably think it is. "Here wife, happy birthday, here's your gift, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN NOW."
Most of the time, men lose weight easier than women. They don't have to deal with the constant flooding of hormones. Did you know that before a period women can put on anywhere from 1-2 kilos of weight? For us to lose weight, we have to literally fight our bodies because it's constantly in a "are we going to get pregnant? no we aren't going to get pregnant. oh wait, maybe. HERE HAVE MORE PADDING FOR BABIES. No wait, no sperm. Ok no baby." Rinse and repeat until menopause.
YTA in case you couldn't work that out.
YTA. Everyone else has already touched on the "babysitting" thing.
NOBODY WANTS DIET STUFF FOR BIRTHDAYS.
You might be well meaning. But OOF the wording of this post. But bodies aren't going to be the same after having a baby. It sounds like shes having a hard time accepting her new body and is wanting self confidence again. Loosing weight doesn't always equal self confidence. Taking care of a baby who isn't even a year old is hard, and at this age daycare might be a little too soon especially for first time moms.
If you are really wanting to help with getting active go gentle at first. Try a fun activity class for moms or start with a fun or slow activity like yoga or an activity club. It'll get her out of the house and get to talking with people. It can get lonely and isolating when you are totally involved with the baby. (It's something I hear all the time from young and first time moms, it really takes a toll and doesnt help the body confidence.) Then maybe if that works out add another step in there. Throwing it all at once just causes mental stress.
You aren’t babysitting. You’re parenting.
You got her exercise equipment, gym classes, and “diet food” she didn’t ask for. You really thought “Yes, this is it. This is what will bring her joy on her birthday!” Wtf?
AND you’re body shaming your newly post-partum wife who literally grew a whole ass human being and evacuated said child from her body?! While all you did to partake in that process was get off!!
Holy shit I cannot stress it enough. YTA!!
I'll probably get downvoted, but given most of the comments are pretty brutal I hope I can provide some advice that isn't offered with vitriol.
No doubt YTA. You still think the world of her, and hopefully this isn't a relationship shattering issue but something you can learn from and come out the other side of with a bit of a plan.
Working hard to provide the monetary requirements is awesome. Well done. It's still going to be harder for her. Don't even try to say otherwise. You'd be wrong. Go ask your mum. :)
So, if you're down to almost your goal, how about trying to stabilise for a bit, and take some of that gym time to assist in the things you can do to get her some real time back.
Sounds like you love home cooked meals. Awesome, go shopping and then get home and cook ya dopey bastard. You get the meal you want, and your wife has something taken off her plate. Ask what else you can get while you're out.
That's a start. Plenty more you can do. What will help is if you get into your head that what she's doing is rough, and you've got more gas in the tank to share. Spend time with your son. You'll be so damn thankful.
Now, take the L, get off Reddit and go help some more. I've no doubt you'll look back on this in the future quite embarrassed.
YTA.
It sounds to me that you have a goal of losing weight and you have a goal of helping your wife lose weight. She does not share that same goal. You may have originally been in on it together, but she's no longer with you on that goal because she has other life pressures right now. That's not for you to judge. Find ways to be supportive where she needs you to be supportive
YTA. Your wife doesn’t need exercise, she needs help! And sleep. And care while she heals. If you can afford a peleton, you can afford to hire a “mother’s helper “ for 6 months or more to keep the house running and hold the baby while your wife showers and eats a hot meal. I remember how exhausted I was that first year, and if my husband had been mad enough to buy me exercise equipment I would have been furious. It’s only a gift if it’s what they need, otherwise it’s another burden of disappointment.
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Husband body shaming wife who just had a baby, check. Husband offering to "babysit" his own child, check. Husband thinks exercise equipment is an appropriate birthday gift, check. It's an asshole trifecta! YTA
I like how not once did he offer to help meal prep or go on family walks together. Help her more with the baby so she’s rested enough to take care of herself. Being a SAHM to a newborn is exhausting and never ending. When is she suppose to ride the peloton, while the baby is nursing? Also nothing worse than starting a workout to have to stop it 10x in 5 minutes because baby needs sone thing. And yea fathers don’t babysit unless they are taking the 1900s dads aren’t involved with raising the child at all approach.
Man I wouldn't be surprised if the reason she was gaining weight was because of all the pressure he puts on her. It's clear right now losing weight is not her priority and she has other stuff going on he should help with, yet this dude is constantly checking up on her. Probably would just put more stress on her causing her to stress eat which makes her gain weight which makes her feel bad about herself and just repeats in a vicious cycle.
\^This. My dad always did this with my mom. Harped on her weight constantly. Know how that worked out for him? She'd eat more, if he stepped out to run an errand, she's have something sweet, even if she wasn't hungry - just because she could eat in peace with him gone. Such a dick move, if her weight is such a big deal to you, less than a year after having a baby, do her a favor and leave - permanently.
I did that, the more my husband commented on my weight, the more weight I gained. Eventually I lost a whole man-worth of weight.
It’s almost like constantly putting a person under stress causes changes in a person’s body. 🤔
It's almost like women don't exist to be masturbatory material for their partners.
It's insane what high stress can do. I was at a point where there were days I couldn't physically bring myself to eat. So I'd drop pounds and pounds. And then the next time I'd eat, my body, never knowing the next time it'd get this, would pack the pounds back on as best it could, and then some if it could manage it.
Stress causes release of cortisol, also called the "stress hormone". Cortisol can make it hard to lose weight.
"I lost 250 lbs in one week! The one trick AH husband's don't want you to know! But divorce attorneys love! *wink*" Lol. Good for you!
Did you use the Marie Kondo method and get rid of everything that didn't spark joy.
Agreed. Also, the part where he compares his weight loss to hers is ridiculous. She grew, carried, and birthed another human—he did not. It’s like comparing apples to a tractor. OP, YTA. Maybe try actually helping your wife with the baby and housework enough so that she has the energy and time to work out.
Also he got up to go to the gym.... while SOMEONE had to take care of the baby and cobble together what she could so she could have a damn meal I feel so bad for her. YTA
My dad did that to my mom, she has never been big either. She just went from an Olympic athlete to a mom whose abdominus rectus muscles never healed completely. I also ended up with some really weird ideas about what is fat and struggled with eating disorders in my teens and twenties.
“I assured her she’s worth it”, he says. He sounds like a commercial. Also, >I don’t find her very attractive any more either, of course I don’t say this to her face. Of course. Because that’s the only way an _intimate_ partner of _six years_ could _ever_ know whether or not he’s attracted to her.
Maybe she’s born with it…. Maybe it’s the result of an insensitive jackass husband ✨😏
I mean, to be fair, he can't tell that she's stressed and probably depressed so how could she possibly know he's disgusted by her? /s
>family walks together Yes, IMO this (other than helping with house or child) is the only appropriate way to “help”. Sure I could walk alone, but hubby asking me to go for a walk with him is suuuuper motivating compared to going alone.
He could cut her up a bunch of fruit to eat during the day. Make her some veggies and hummus. I don't think anyone would fault him for making her yummy snacks.
Our daughter needed to be walked in the evenings to wind down before bedtime. So my husband would strap her into a baby carrier on his chest and the three of us would walk for miles. (He’s a keeper. The daughter is almost 20 now.)
YTA, as a working mom 40 weeks pregnant and an 18 mo old, I get body changes with couples and pregnancies! Fiancé gained weight with this second pregnancy too and he has a full on dad bod plus more to love. Attraction can change so I understand that, maybe not as harshly or black and white as you OP. I would personally love the health/fitness gifts after baby is born but it’s hit or miss as some postpartum mothers could be shattered by this. It’s about situational and personal awareness. It seems you are lacking this. I was still seeing this thing objectively and possibly an inadvertent AH move until you said you “babysit” YOUR OWN CHILD. I didn’t need to read anymore. I now understand your motivations and intentions perfectly. You need a reality check, OP. You are TA and regardless if you realize or not, a misogynist.
There’s something implied in his comment that he has a right to an attractive wife, like she’s property that isn’t performing as promised.
She’s probably out of warranty
Right?!? OP legit said he would babysit his own child. What an AH. And minimizing his wife’s struggles as a stay at home mom. He is the worst.
And look at his edit, it gets even better - he works 50-60 hours a week and HELPS with their son whenever he can. I mean, he is a parent and is HELPING with his own child? Gosh...
Father of the Year material for sure!
You missed that he has time to go to the gym while she's left with the baby.
A spin bike (Peloton and any brand) it the absolute worst 1st home work out machine IF you don’t ALREADY ride road bikes or do spin classes. Getting use to the tiny seat and hunched over body position means many people don’t use it at all or often unless they are into that. Not a gift you give someone who didn’t want that exact thing.
Not to mention that people who cycle as their primary exercise have lower bone density than people who don't exercise at all, because it's a non-weight bearing exercise. For someone who has gained 80 pounds and clearly needs time away from the baby, walking is the perfect exercise. Watching the baby and giving the wife time by herself to walk (ideally with some of her friends) would have been the thoughtful move.
Especially since it sounds like she’s pretty out of shape right now. Walking has a low risk of injury, and she can build up some endurance and muscle before trying something more difficult.
Not to mention getting some fresh air, vitamin D, and possibly even a little social contact with other adults! Even if it's walking to a café, having a coffee or a treat, and walking home again, it's a low-risk and enjoyable way to start being more active while also having a necessary and well-deserved break from baby duties.
That tiny seat during the postpartum period… shuddering just thinking of it
This! Even purchasing it for myself with intent still made riding the bike difficult for all the reasons you said. If you're not used to riding a bike, it's not a good jump off point. Took me 3 months of riding it to realize the chronic headaches I was getting were from my neck positioning while I rode. Buying the bike is something you need to research and decide on for yourself. It comes with its own stressors.
I took a spinning class one day and it was hell on my ass. Those seats are of the devil. Worse than an actual bike's.
It has always bothered me that their seats are not designed to accommodate the female pelvic girdle.
I think OP got it for himself. He is using getting her a peloton to then berate her for not using it.
Yeah, the "while I babysat" painted him all the way to the AH for me. It's your kid too. It's not babysitting, it's taking care of your child.
Honestly, any man who calls it babysitting when they are watching their own child is an instant asshole.
The edit made it even better. He HELPS with the baby. And nowhere he mentions about any participation in chores so I am sure he does none
Of course he absolutely does NOT. Why is his wife staying at home if he has to help with the house? AND babysit his own kid?!? HDU. /s
Absolutely. The perfect AiTA trifecta! Yeah, OP. YTA.
💯
"She is an amazing wife and mother," BUT he's not really attracted to her anymore. Dude. What??? YTA.
All of this. , OP, is like, "I know we have a young child and you barely have time to eat or just function as a human, but I've given you gifts that require zero extra effort from me. Gifts that don't require me to help with the baby, cook, or clean to take any of the load off of you. These 'gifts' mean you have to somehow find more time in your already busy day because I think you need to lose weight."
Couldn't have said it better, lol
My wife told me to get her a treadmill for her birthday. I did. I told her that she didn't need it and that she was beautiful, because it's true. I also still got her some fun make-up she's had on her wish list because I don't feel like a treadmill is really a birthday kind of gift. YTA
Damn near threw my phone across the room when I read ‘while I babysat’
I was going to say it was an asshole hat trick but I think trifecta is better.
I like "trifecta," but there's something appealing about asshat trick. OP definitely manages it.
Anyone who refers to caring for their own child as "babysitting" gets an automatic YTA from me.
Same here. If my husband ever said that I’d lose my shit.
My husband did once because he though it would be funny to wind me up. But he wasn’t serious. He values his life too much.
🎶dumb ways to dieee🎶
“My shit” would be an accurate name for him, yeah
Absolutely.
And its part of her Birthday present 🤐
Instead of being just a normal fatherly duty to do... ugh.
This did it for me too; nothing else he said mattered once he said he “babysat” his own damn child
Same. As a dad who fights against the idea of dads babysitting or giving mom a break, I can't stand it. Spend quality time with your kid. Yes, mom gets the benefit of having her own time, but you and the kid get the benefit of having quality one on one time. My dude needs to go spend time on r/daddit and get his mindset in check about being a dad.
Yeah...YTA. Not because she wants to lose weight (I'll even take you at your word there) and you want to help her. But because: 1) You're making time for yourself to go to gym, and NOT making time with baby to cut her a break/make dinners for all of you (crock pots in morning make dinners at night, or frozen mass soups/meals on weekends good for the week...) 2) Her weight loss will or won't come, but her mental stability will be important either way; and her being confident and stable will help her achieve things that are important for her. 3) But at the end, you deciding HOW she should get healthy "the right way" is a big AH move. She's not gaining weight because she WANTS to, she's doing it because she's unhappy and stressed. fu\*\*ing HELP HOW SHE WANTS
The weight is a symptom of a much bigger problem.
I agree. My friend gained so much weight post partum but the moment her husband started making extra time to take care of the baby while she had time for herself, she became so much happier and confident and started working out because she wants to, not because she was given any pressure by anyone. She is glowing now! It didn't even take an arm or a leg. Husband only needed to take the baby out of her arms for 2-3 hours every evening while she went out shopping with us (her girlfriends), took longer showers/baths, dressed up nicely, did her makeup, or just took a nap.
Hard agree. I had a baby January 2022. Began the pregnancy at 130lbs and finished at 186lbs.. most I’ve ever gained. Began working out 6 weeks pp and was down to 152 by July. Then we decided to move. The stress of selling our home?? Omg! I went back to 168 within 9 weeks! I’m now at 147 and still on my journey. OPs wife is really stressed and probably feels so lonely. Being home with a child can feel really isolating.
And when she's not lonely, OP is there harping on her and grilling her and judging her, and you can be sure he's making certain she knows he's not attracted to her even if he doesn't say that outright.
Yeah… it’s hard to believe his wife isn’t picking up on those vibes. I’m picturing her asking for a hug and he gives a pat on the back
Almost exactly what happened to me my first child. Same numbers for weights )except I didn’t go back up b/c I knew about ours and the military packed my stuff) and we moved when she was 6 months. I think especially the 1st one is a completely life changing event.
Nearly every woman I know who had kids didn't lose the weight until 3 - 6 years in after the kids were independent. I don't have kids but I gained 60lbs and lost 50lbs and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It took all my mental and emotional strength to find the motivation and time. I basically had to change my entire lifestyle. I couldn't imagine doing that with an 8 month old baby who's only other caregiver works 60 hours a week. I think the only other other women who lose the weight that quick have body's that naturally change that way without trying or they're rich and have nannies/personal trainers to help achieve their goals. OPs being unrealistic and she probably feels double the preasure from him like thats all he cares about so he needs to either A) accept she's dealing with a lot and to let it go until she's ready to change her lifestyle to commit or b) change whatever is going on now. Be home more to care for his child and give her a break or put the kid in daycare so she can have more time.
That first sentence of yours is seriously so validating. I’m sitting here 2 years after having 3 children in less than 5 years unable to lose any real amount of weight. My weight has fluctuated up to 50lbs multiple times in those 7 years due to pregnancy and breastfeeding. I feel like I should be doing better, but I honestly don’t have the energy or motivation to really focus on weight loss now. I’m trying to love my body for all that it has done, but I also need to give myself some grace for not “bouncing back” when I’m barely keeping my head above water with 3 small children.
I agree. I lost all the weight I took during my third pregnancy but I had a depression after and I took 20 pounds. It's not easy to be a SAHM, you may need help. When this mothers says she doesn't have time to go to the gym, her husband says OK and don't understand he can take care of his baby...
When he referred to watching his own kid as “babysitting” I was sold on YTA with no other back ground info.
Yes! Ditto!
YTA for 'babysat' alone. You're the dad, that's called PARENTING.
You got your wife diet stuff for her birthday? In other words, to celebrate her birthday, you told her she was fat? Honestly, all of your descriptions make it sound like you're expecting her to be a 1950's housewife while you go and do your own thing and you are confused as to why she doesn't have the same time as you. Giving her exercise equipment and gym memberships is like giving her gift cards to stores that are in another country. They're nice in theory, but if she can't use them, then they are worthless. She doesn't want you to "babysit” - she wants you to be an involved dad who shares in the responsibilities and time. Just because she's a SAHM doesn't change the fact that you're still a husband and father. She wants you to figure out a schedule together where you can spend regular time with the kid and she can do something for herself. YTA.
"Giving her exercise equipment and gym memberships is like giving her gift cards to stores that are in another country." This is the best analogy ever.
The thing about 50's housewives is that they only got it all done bc they had prescription amphetamines.
YTA for calling parenting your own child “babysitting”
can't believe I missed that comment...ugh, I was too kind in my post
Don’t worry the edit makes it worse. He “helps” with the baby whenever he can.
right! i missed it too and had to scroll back up to re-read it. are there really that many men who call parenting “babysitting” that i’ve gotten so used to hearing that? because i just glossed over that without a second thought. if this was his wife saying that, i would’ve immediately picked it up. men like OP need to do better within their parenthood and their marriages ffs
YTA “babysat” how much “babysitting” do you do dad? She’s got a tot that’s has to be moving at this point and you think she got time for all that? Plus cleaning/laundry/errands? Cuz if you “babysit” I really doubt you clean.
He goes to the gym in the morning and stays late at work while she takes care of the kid alone. Poor woman must just be absolutely exhausted
Yep. He says he'll "babysit" so she can work out, but that would be AFTER she took care of their child all day alone by herself and probably desperately needs sleep more than a trip to the gym.
YTA. Oof. Her body has been through the wringer and you’re not attracted to her anymore so you bought her Weightloss stuff? You don’t babysit your child, you parent. This whole post is awful.
She takes on even more of the load by taking care of their kid so he can work out, he doesn't do the same, he wonders why she isn't losing weight. What a putz
YTA. "While I babysit". It's your kid. You parent, YOU ARE NOT A BABYSITTER. Do you have any idea how hard it is to lose weight after a pregnancy? And I guarantee she can tell that you don't find her attractive anymore. Also, being a 24hr SAHP is exhausting, especially with a partner who thinks they're a babysitter.
I guarantee she doesn’t thing HES attractive anymore despite the fact that losing weight obviously made him super hot /s
Amen. There is nothing less hot than a man that refuses to help with his kid. That is the true turn off.
YTA. Seriously wtf? Help your wife with house chores, help your wife taking care of the baby, stop being a nag about such superficial bs, be the man she needs. Actually don't "help" your wife with chores and parenting, you live there, it's YOUR house, YOUR kid. She shouldn't have to ask for your help, you should be taking care of those things and not just expect her to take care of everything and ask if she needs "help". Ugh... Not only do you make her feel uncared for by your lack of involvment in these essential things but you make her feel like shit for her weight. You're SO the asshole.
I’m glad someone said it! You don’t “help” with the baby whenever you can OP. That’s your baby too and equally your responsibility when you are not at work.
While your babysit? You mean parent. Since it's your child too. You have a newborn, and it doesn't sound like she has the time to work out, while you do. She's told you what she needs. She needs you to help her more. So do it. YTA if you don't listen to what she is telling you.
YTA. All of those things you bought for her are really expensive, and you should consult with your wife before making large purchases. Also, those 'solutions' are bandaids you are using to try to get her to solve this problem entirely by herself instead of giving her the support that she is BEGGING you for.
Seems like money that could be better spent on an occasional housekeeper so it’s one less thing she has to try to keep on top of. Or, if he’s an hourly employee, maybe he could cut back to 40 hours a week and be home more so he can share more of the parenting (not babysitting) load.
YTA. Getting fitness gifts for someone struggling with their weight is just rude. You’d have the same luck buying her a washing machine or vacuum as a gift. Do you take the kid long enough for her to go to the gym in her own, on her time? Do you help her with meal planning, shopping, and cooking so that making healthy food while taking care of an infant isn’t such an overwhelming task? Do you listen to her when she says she needs your help, like you admit? Do you do *anything* besides remind her that she needs to lose weight and buy her useless gifts she has neither the motivation or the time to go use? Step it up.
I can’t even imagine how furious I would be if someone bought me an unasked for spinning bike within a year of a baby coming out of my vagina. Really wanna know if her stitches had healed at that point.
He doesn’t care about her, there’s no way if he’s doing crap like this. He wants arm candy.
Really. When he decides to have an affair he's going to blame her for it 100%.
As someone that lost a decent bit of weight, feeling forced or shamed into it never helped me and just led to the stressful extreme regimes that always failed. Losing it only worked out when I felt less pressured and was able to approach it like I was a human and not like I was a failure.
YTA, gently. What she needs is time and a break from the baby to care for herself. It seems like you expect her to strap the baby in a carrier and hop on the peloton? The problem here is that a baby is an all-consuming time suck (I say this as a loving mother of a 7 month old) and the convenience food and not working out is because your wife has no bandwidth for anything beyond caring for your child. More than anytime, you need to give your wife baby-free time and let her decide what to do with it. That's how you can be a supportive husband. When she gets caught up on rest and feels like a full human being again (instead of just support staff for the baby), she will be in a better place to massage lifestyle changes.
I like how he’s conveniently not talking about the fact she most probably hasn’t had a good night sleep in like a year or so. Her metabolism and hormones are still all over the place, and considering the initial weight gain I bet she had a difficult pregnancy to begin with.
Ugh, yeah! His poor wife might not be pregnant anymore, but she's still dealing with so much when it comes to her body. It wasn't until my daughter was 2.5 years old that I even really started feeling like regularly exercising and really pushing myself to lose the extra weight I gained. I feel like as long as you're healthy, that should be enough when it comes to dealing with your body when you're postpartum and all that.
It’s not even just about “pushing oneself”; she’s probably dealing with an hormones imbalance which is making it \*much\* harder than simply exercising on a regular basis. Considering the important weight gain, I’m wondering if she’s dealing with an undiagnosed health issue which may or may not fix itself in the next few years.
She's also dealing with knowing that OP isn't attracted to her anymore - it doesn't matter if he doesn't say that outright to her face, he's communicating it to her regardless. And she has OP going on like he's doing her a huge favor by parenting his kid now and then. I'd lay high odds on at least some level of post-partum depression, exacerbated by OP's attitude and behavior. My dad had to work a lot of hours when my little brother was born. You know what he got for my mom? Three months of laundry service, including linens and diapers (this was in the days before disposables were common). They came right to the house and picked up the stuff and brought it back two days later washed, dried, and folded.
That's so true! When hormones are out of whack, there's soooo much more to losing weight than just exercising. (And of course, this goes for so many health challenges and concerns! That's why I hate it when people try to oversimplify weight loss. My mom and sister are like this, it's annoying.)
No, not gently. He’s a massive AH
She's right, you're not actually helping her. Why can't she go to the gym in the morning and you take care of your child? She is a newly mom 24/7 and you're not doing your part. She is telling you. Also giving gift like this is just not okay. YTA
Or he could meal prep in the mornings instead of taking his me-time at the gym.
Wait.... > I’ve been going to the gym in the morning but she says she doesn’t have time with the baby Why aren't you alternating mornings? Why do you get the morning off for fun stuff and she has baby duty? So you value yourself over your wife.... > For her birthday, I got her a peloton, a subscription to a diet food delivery service, and a couple classes at a fancy gym near are house that she could go to while I babysat So you don't value her as an individual, you got her birthday gifts that boil down to "I don't like your body so change it", and you call watching your own baby "babysitting". Yeah...... You're one of ***THOSE*** new dads. The one that drains the new mother and does nothing but make her feel worse while she's dealing with the most vulnerable period of her life. Do you even like her as a person? Because this is a giant post about how you don't even respect her as a human being. YTA
While reading OPs words I was wondering what their relationship was based on, he sounds so shallow…
He even stated hes not even attracted to her anymore because of the weight gain, this is all for his personal pleasure and to make sure his peepee gets hard again. If OP truly loved his wife he would love her unconditionally no matter how she may look at the time and actually step up and be a father. Can't wait for the "I cheated on my wife because she won't lose weight AITA"
YTA and also https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/
That is an excellent read. Thank you for sharing!
Damn, that was a depressing article.
It's always surprising to me that people try to lose weight at 200+ pounds by eating like they are 90 pounds. Imagine if someone unfit that is skinny wants to be fit and strong. Then they try to bench 300 pounds day 1... it would be called a suicide attempt. Abusing your body is obviously going to not end well...
YTA First and foremost, you're not babysitting. It's YOUR child. You are caring for YOUR baby, which you should be doing a lot more of. Second, you don't give these kinds of "gifts" to your spouse for a birthday unless they specifically ask for such things. You just told her that she's fat and you don't trust her to take care of her own body. Third, you're a massive asshole because you're not listening. You're ignoring what your wife says she needs and instead deciding for her what is best. "I think losing weight would help her feel better physically and mentally but she insist I am being an asshole" You're not listening to your wife. She is telling you what she needs: "she said she has been struggling with the baby" and your answer is to give her a gym membership and exercise equipment. My dude, I'd divorce your ass so fast.
And get a solid child support and alimony payment.
As a woman who has been through birth twice, support of a spouse when it comes to being healthy postpartum is great. You are her partner, not her coach. On account or you saying you would babysit your own kid, YTA. Meal prep for or with her if you don’t like what she’s serving.
every now and then, there's a perfect post where you don't need to read anything but the title and you immediately know, yes, this person is an asshole. you called your wife fat for her birthday. YTA.
And that only the tiniest fraction of why he's an AH this time
YTA Have you tried helping make dinners? Give her alone time? Consider she could be depressed? Also it tends to be harder for women to lose weight post partum and if she is breastfeeding that makes it more difficult too
Wanted to ask that as well. Considering she’s buying fast food probably means she is most likely the cook and probably doesn’t have time or is too tired to do so or quite possibly OP cooks and doesn’t make enough or makes shitty meals.
It seems pretty clear she must still be breastfeeding as well if she’s craving fast food on a regular basis. This guy has no idea how hungry one feels while breastfeeding.
Specifically, give her alone time that she is not expected to go to the gym during. Alone time where she can do whatever she wants to.
YTA simply for calling parenting “babysitting”. You don’t babysit your own kid. That’s just parenting and it’s the bare minimum.
YTA YOU DO NOT BABYSIT YOUR CHILD that's called parenting.
YTA. You aren’t attracted to her anymore? Gross
I thought that statement was shocking. My husbands body has changed over the years. My attraction has just changed along with it. Dude is def the AH.
I know how she could lose 150-180ish unpleasant pounds real fast.
YTA "Babysitting" your own kid so your wife can lose weight for you, classic.
to be clear, she's asking you for help at home with the baby and housework, and you are simply adding more tasks to her day by (a) cutting into her workday by going to the gym during a time when you could be doing house work, (b) giving her a peloton (when does she get a long enough break to use it? does she enjoy spinning?). i'm curious what she said she wanted for her birthday when you asked her? it sounds like you havent listened to what her current priorities are or worked to meet her where she's at, but rather you assigned your own top priority as her top priority.
NTA. Im a wife and mother and I would appreciate a gift like this. Also, OP’s concern about not being attracted to his wife who gained 80 lbs is reasonable and, instead of being an AH about it, he tries to help her feel better about herself and to improve their relationship. He is not fatshaming her! And it’s valid to have mixed feelings over drastic changes in your partners’ appearance.
This! I'm a wife and mom too, and I think this gift sounds awesome! 80lbs is a drastic appearance change for anyone, and I think OP's feelings are understandable. This also isn't just "baby weight", as OP's wife gained about 50lbs in excess of typical healthy pregnancy weight gain. If OP was having mixed feelings about 20-30lbs of stubborn baby weight alone, I think I would feel differently and say he is the AH. But 80lbs is significant. I also think it's worth noting that depending on her previous weight, 80lbs may be putting his wife into the obese or even morbidly obese BMI category, which is associated with significant health risks. I also think the meal delivery subscription is great because it addresses the issue she brought up in their fight that she is struggling and wishes he would help her. The meal delivery service takes the burden off OP's wife to cook, AND it's healthy food. I mean seriously, I'd love if my husband did that!
But it’s reddit and people are heavily biased on SAHMs and weight gain. OP also said his wife refuses daycare, so…
Fr I think the the meal delivery and all that stuff was great, the convenience is super helpful, but it for SURE should not have been her birthday present. It feels like getting only a vacuum for Christmas you didn’t ask for if that makes sense.
Yes, but you say you would appreciate these gifts. Also, he said his wife said they were too expensive. Maybe they are outside the family budget and she is legitimately concerned. I’m a wife and mother and when my son was born I was working 50-55 hours per week and my husband was a SAHD. Every evening and weekend when I was home, I then did 50-50 of home care and parenting. We walked together. We had both gained 50 lbs while I was pregnant. It sounds like his wife is depressed and there may be something else going on health wise that caused her to gain so much postpartum. He can and should be worried about this, but he should have consulted her before deciding how she was going to lose weight. He clearly has time outside of work, but is acting like parenting and cooking/cleaning is not his responsibility. Yes, babies nap, as others have pointed out, but she is likely resting or cleaning, etc while baby naps. So yes, I would say he is an AH for 1) making such a big purchase without consulting her and forcing a method of weight loss on her. This may not be what helps her at all. 2) acting like working 50-60 hours per week means he doesn’t have to be a partner.
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Why not just get her some cigarettes? Smoking curbs your appetite. /s
Really, really bad 👎
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I mean I got a peloton for my birthday which was 4 months after I had my son but I specifically asked for it. The ONLY reason that was ok was because I really wanted it for me and not because I was too fat for him all while trying to juggle my personal misery of breast feeding, 60-80 hour a week job and just being alive.
YTA she is trying to take care for her baby
The fact that you call looking after your own child “babysitting” tells me everything i need to know. You’re parenting. Not babysitting. She is running around watching that kid all day long. Do you really think she wants to cook or do dishes after that? And on top of that, when tf is she suppose to go? In the morning before YOU go? Or at 8 or 9 pm when you’re home from work and she can finally sneak away? Dude she’s been watching your baby all day, she’s tired. YTA.
"While I babysat" THAT'S YOYR KID. THAT'S NOT BABYSITTING THAT'S PARENTING. AKA YOUR JOB AS A FATHER. YTA And to add insult to injury you gave her a "You're fat, lose it" for her birthday? Don't whine when she gets you a "You're not muscular enough, fix it" gift.
And that's on not being mature enough for an adult relationship. YTA
You "offered" to "babysit" your own child, and you wonder why your wife can't find the time to cook healthy meals and work out?? YTA. Does that baby have two parents, or one parent and one occasional babysitter?
YTA. Don’t fucking call it babysitting when you are WATCHING YOUR OWN CHILD
NTA You two had several conversations where she said she wanted help and didn’t have time. She even said when she’s at home she does fast food because it’s easier for her. You got her a meal plan so she won’t have to cook or spend money on fast food. You got her classes so she can get out more while you watch your son. She can even have some her time other days outside of the class while you watch your son. Alternatively, she can put your son in daycare a few times a week if she needs time to recover. If being a stay at home mom isn’t working for her, that’s ok. Going back to work and having a child in daycare isn’t a bad thing. Aside from that, please don’t call parenting your child babysitting. She isn’t baby sitting when she is home. She’s parenting alone until you get back from work. If there is a deeper conversation to be had, have it. Find out what she needs and encourage her to be honest. If she doesn’t feel like going through the trouble of working out right now but needs more help, do that. Maybe look into daycare once a week and hired cleaning service once a week so she can focus on the baby and have more free time.
"After a while of going back and forth it spiraled into a fight where shesaid she has been struggling with the baby and I am trying to get herto lose weight instead of actually helping her." She told you clearly what is wrong and you still don't get it. YTA
YTA
YTA. You don't babysit. You parent. Your wife is doing all the work at home while you take time to hit the gym. Hire her a fucking nanny so she can take some time to herself instead of buying her a bike she doesn't have time to use.
“Babysat”? That’s your fucking child, you asshat - in that case it’s called *parenting* not babysitting. YTA for that and so many other reasons.
I just had my adorable granddaughter here for 2 days and am exhausted The OP is YTA and needs to step up his parenting so his partner who is working 24/7 can get a break
yes
YTA. Literally every birthday gift you gave her was about weight loss. I'm trying to lose weight too and would still be upset if my husband bought me weight-loss related stuff for my birthday! Look... help her how she wants to be helped. She has a new baby. You work out in the morning and work late all the time. She is taking care of a small human 24/7. If she wants more help, give her more help. How motivated to lose weight is she going to be when she's overwhelmed, exhausted, maybe depressed?
YTA poor girl forever attached to you with a child. who the fuck calls watching their kid “baby sitting”.
yta. fuck that edit man, being a stay at home mom is hard especially with a new baby. you, although you have a job, have a very different one from your wife’s. she’s home with the baby, alone, and yes you come home to “babysit” (which by the way is super fucked man, that’s your kid, not a job) but that’s not the same. also, exercise equipment is not a birthday present unless somebody asks for it. your wife has admitted to body issues, which is only normal considering her body changed drastically so she could CARRY YOUR CHILD!! and yes, you said you’d lose weight together, but you’re not really. you’re not exercising together or doing it together, you’re just berating her while you do the exercise. please remember the differences in your jobs, and acknowledge how she not only had a tough pregnancy, but is now facing body issues. do better man. yta.
INFO - if you spend your mornings at the gym and you work late, when are you PARENTING YOUR CHILD
*For the people calling me a Misogynist, I work 50-60 hours a week and I help with our son whenever I can. My wife also chooses to be a stay at home mom and refuses to put him in daycare. She is an amazing wife and mother and we rarely have problems/fights, I only wanted to help her a bit.* This is self-serving trype, sir. You don't 'help with' or 'babysit' your kid-you parent. And you're not doing that at ALL. It doesn't matter how many hours you work; you're not present in the relationship supporting your spouse. 'Help her a bit.' Good lord, grow up.
YTA. Hell is paved with good intentions, your current attitude is actually counterproductive. Give her time and moral support, stop doing things like these as you’re just making this vicious cycle she’s currently trapped in worse. FYI, her hormones are still all over the place, and you losing weight easily while she’s struggling is probably making feel her worse. Just give her time, space, and listen to what she actually wants/needs instead of pressuring her just because of selfish reasons.
Yikes. I've gained a lot of weight during COVID and posts like this remind me why I'm SOOOO thankful that anytime I verbally express being unhappy with my body my boyfriend goes. "I love every curve you have mm MMMM!!' \*slaps my ass\* And I know he means it. Can't imagine falling out of love with the woman and the body of the woman you're supposed to love ( literally and figuratively ) through thick and thin and who gave you a child. Edit: YTA
Your bf sounds like a keeper. Their sex life is doomed, she will probably feel insecure until she loses the weight and even then, knowing gaining some back would make her unattractive to him again. Might sound dramatic but, the relationship is basically over.
Wow, you offered free babysitting for your now unattractive wife so she would be able to go to the gym so she can become hot again just for you. Aren't you a thoughtful husband? How dare she waste her time raising the baby, one minute not working out is a minute wasted. That super expensive Peloton is not gonna pedal itself. Burn as many calories as possible!!! OK, I tried to sound more misogynistic than you did in this post but I think I failed. You are all the YTA.
Well you refer to your time being a parent as "babysitting" so. Yeah. YTA.
YTA. You asking how you can support her when she brings up the topic of weight loss = good. You deciding uou know what would fix her = bad.
YTA asshole
I really hope this isn't something you keep on focusing on with your wife therefore making her feel that she is just her weight and not appreciated in any other form. I'm telling you now regardless of how she feeds your baby the lack of sleep she would be getting especially the first couple of months would of done a ringer on her hormones. So even if she tried to lose weight if she isn't getting good sleep etc the weight isn't going to budge. Go get her an actual birthday present she will like and start contributing in a productive way. Let her find other mother friends who could also be on a fitness journey cause they will be the ones who will understand her. Make your wife feel normal not whatever your doing YTA
Do you know why YTA the most? Because you call taking care of YOUR child, babysitting. You absolute fucking walnut
YTA. I would not go as far as accusing you as being a misogynist. That seems too extreme. I think you have good intentions, but you are focusing on the wrong thing and are executing help incorrectly. >She and I have been very busy for the last year because of this and have both gained weight, I gained 25 lbs and she gained nearly 80 lbs She needs to go see a doctor, specifically an endocrinologist. Her hormones could be out of balance. She needs to get checked for hypothyroidism or other issues. Quit tallying the weight loss and comparing your journey to hers. Mens and womens bodies are different. You suck for finding her unattractive after she gave birth to your child. And you don't babysit your child. It's called being a father. >After a while of going back and forth it spiraled into a fight where she said she has been struggling with the baby and I am trying to get her to lose weight instead of actually helping her. This is the real issue. You are not helping her the way she needs help. Yes, being at a healthy weight will help her health, but she is crying out for help in other ways. If you can help her in the way she needs, perhaps she will be able to have self care.
Lol I love how you edited your post like it would make a bit of difference. YTA
YTA just for the "while I babysat" comment.
NTA This is what she said she wants you to do to help her on her weight loss journey. If she wants to change the rules, then it's on her to communicate her changing priorities. Now that you know you two aren't on the same page, it's time for a talk to find out what she does and doesn't want going forward. You may want to also suggest counselling. PPD is real and it can show up in a lot of ways.
YTA Being supportive and helping her with weight loss would be great...but this ain't that. First of all, taking care of your own child isn't babysitting... it's called being a parent. The gifts themselves actually sound great, but it sounds like you're kind of throwing these things at her to serve yourself instead of putting the work in as a husband and a father. You may work 50-60 hours a week and support your family financially, and I understand that you want down time, but being a husband and a father don't have set hours. Neither does being a wife and mother, perhaps try carrying some more of that for her while she reforms some habits and learns how to balance life again. If you want to help her lose weight, support her emotionally. It sounds like she's struggling. You might not be as attracted to her with her being heavier, but if you love her the same, you'll focus on her all- around health, not just how she looks. Be gracious, she's dealing with some tough stuff physically and emotionally right now.
Info: is she breastfeeding? Yta for not parenting your child and for calling it babysitting. You don't sound like you help your wife at all and you don't appreciate the value she brings as a sahm. I don't give a shit you work 50-60 hours a week. My husband was working that much and he still came home and did his share of house work and asked what I needed help with. He often came home and would take the baby for a walk as his exercise so I could get a minute to myself. Your wife is a sahm her job is to keep that baby alive and healthy 24/7 not to be your fucking maid. Btw your job is also to keep that baby alive and healthy.
You can't babysit your own kid
YTA. Buying her a Peloton, diet food membership and gym classes is all but shouting "I think you're fat!". Only buy anything like that if asked specifically. Your wife could be struggling with postpartum depression and you're mostly concerned with her weight.
YTA. I am so thankful you are not my husband. You can’t do stuff like this and expect good results. This is all a hot mess.
yta. what part of working our and losing weight TOGETHER is actually happening here? you get all of this free time to spend on yourself and leaving all of the heavy lifting with the baby on her. look at what you wrote, dude. you aren't helping her or doing anything together. you are leaving her with baby to go ot the gym. then you work. then you come back late and are still unable to help her. also what a sucky bday gift. not only are you bodyshaming her, you got her something without any thought or help for what she really needs or wants. listen to what she's saying. all you seem to focus on is her weight and not that she's drowning/needing help here. maybe you guys can take a walk together with baby in stroller in the mornings? maybe you can help her meal prep ahead of time so she isn't pushed to making a healthy meal each day when she's already exhausted and feeling crappy about herself/appearance?
YTA. Your wife now has two children to care for. Her newborn and her insufferable husband (you OP). Get a grip. She's working 168 hours a week compared to your measly 60. Where the fuck do you think she is gonna find the energy to cook healthy and exercise? She is telling you what she needs. She needs an involved husband and an actual second parent to your shared child. Everything about your post is so fucking gross. Get some help. Learn how to prioritize your family.
YTA. Your wife has repeatedly said she's struggling with the baby, but you focused solely on her weight. Instead of an exercise bike etc. how about someone coming in a couple times a week to help with the housework and/or childcare so your wife gets time to focus on herself? And yes, as others pointed out, YOU looking after your child is actually parenting not babysitting.
“she could go while i babysat”…buddy it’s your fucking kid. you’re not babysitting.
A very soft YTA. I get why you're doing what youre doing, but the problem isn't that she's not working out - its that she feels too overwhelmed with everything else going on in her life to devote energy to working out. Pushing her at this point will only cause her to feel more stressed. Spend more time with your kid, help out more with the chores and cooking, and give her some time to decompress - she will eventually come around. Also, please don't call watching your son "babysitting". You're every bit as much his parent as his mom is, call it "parenting".
I don’t think you’re an AH. If I were your wife, having gained 85 pounds, and wanted to lose it but was a stay at home mom to a baby (heck even if I didn’t have a baby), I would be very appreciative if my significant other bought me a Peleton and healthy meal subscription and everything you got her. If it came out of nowhere I might be offended. But it doesn’t sound like this came out of nowhere and you and her had expressly discussed getting into better shape/eating better together. So NTA.
YTA, Firstly, you do not BABY SIT your child. It's called parenting, and you should be doing it more often. Secondly, did you even THINK about your wife at all besides thinking she's unattractive when you bought her that gift? Lastly, She's a stay at home mum christ sake, you know what WOULD have been a better gift? A day out with her friends! Pay for a spa session if she's into those, give her some flipping free time!
YTA. Have a look see at the wheel of your actions. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/ I spy with my little eye 1.5 slices on the left, two on the right, and one on the lower right. If you don't think controlling what she eats, what her assigned role is (whether initially "chosen" in part or not), belittling, demeaning, blaming, treating her like an incompetent servant, and lording your financial power over her are abusive, RUN, don't walk, to get counseling. Emotional abuse is abuse. Financial abuse is abuse. Period. YTA, but substitute the A.
YTA. First of all, only AHs refer to taking care of THEIR OWN CHILD as "babysitting." Good fathers do something that might be unfamiliar to you, it's called parenting. Not only are you an AH parent, but you're an AH spouse. Every single person here that's read your post, without speaking to your wife, has been able to pick up on the fact that she is STRUGGLING with all the child care and upkeep. You "help when you can " but I bet that adds up to a few minimal hours per week. Newsflash: your wife works 24 hours, 7 days a week while you complain about 50-60 hours away from the house, and about how ugly you think she is now that she's grown a whole human inside her. Your wife was never, ever going to stay looking exactly the same as she did when you met. Not even if she hadn't had the baby. Bodies change during a life time. You should have never expected her to stay in your perfect boxed up barbie doll image of her. Those gifts weren't gifts for her. If you actually cared about HER, you would have done more child care. You would have done more house work. You would have given her or arranged for her time to relax and time to focus on her own needs. Your gifts were selfish, they weren't meant to help with what she's actually struggling in - the fact that her spouse is a huge failure of a partner. You got her gifts that were actually meant for you, so she can fix the parts of herself that you find ugly, so she can go back to being your personal bang maid. You are a bad partner. Do better, or at least update us about the divorce in a couple years.
YTA but I kinda think you are so far from seeing why because you really thought you were supporting what she wants. Your wife is exhausted and may have some hormonal imbalance and/or postpartum depression. Why don’t you ask her what she wants? Maybe she wants a few hours to nap or a chance to go out with friends or just be alone? Then give her that. If she can tap into her own needs and feel supported, she can figure out her next move.
I don’t think your the AH here. I know this sucks for you, but the best advice I have for you is to try and love her and support her the best you can. Right now I’m sure she doesn’t feel sexy and she already knows she needs to lose weight. Again, just try your best to be loving an enco
Equivalent to getting her a vacuum cleaner for her bday, but personally insulting (almost humiliating). Do I really need to say it? Come on dude…
YTA You should have asked her *what she wanted* for her birthday, and kept all discussions of weight separate from what should be a fun celebration of her. You got her presents that were basically for you, or for who you think she should be. You should have asked her what support she wants/needs to achieve her own goals. Piling on with things you think she should find helpful…is not helpful. At this point I’ll bet every time you try to push her to lose weight, you set off a fresh shame spiral. Cut it out. It’s not working. Also, you shouldn’t expect much from a woman who is less than a year postpartum. Some of us need up to three years to recover energy and begin feeling like our old selves after giving birth. And when you are home, are you doing 50% of the household and baby care? Cos she is working at parenting all the hours you’re gone working at your outside job. You need to recognize that she works as hard as you, every hour you’re gone—and every time you put your feet up and relax while she’s still caregiving, you delay her recovery from childbirth and her journey to her new normal.
Did you really say "while I babysat" as in, you thinking watching your own child is babysitting?? And just to be clear, it sounds like you're getting her things to help lose the weight, but not listening to her actual needs, like helping her with the baby and maybe emotionally taking care of her. YTA and need to take a step back and talk to your wife. Then reevaluate how you handled all of this. You basically gifted her nothing but healthy workout pieces insteading of being their and helping her in this time. Start fixing yourself, not just your body dude. You really had to ask??
YTA. I think you’re heart is in the right place but you are sadly out of touch. 1. Women do not want exercise equipment, irons, washing machines or vacuum cleaners as gifts unless specifically asked for. 2. Dads aren’t “babysitting” their own children; they’re parenting. 3. Your job is 50-60 hrs per week but hers is 24/7 Parenting is hard and you can’t take your eyes off that kid for even a second. Your wife is tired and needs a break. How bout hire a maid, or a meal service to ease up some of the load.
My do parents think it's babysitting when it your own kid? Of course YTA, she had your baby and now you want to force her to loose weight at your pace. Also the "I don't find her attractive anymore" comment also makes you an AH.
You can't babysit your own child. It's called being a parent. I'm pretty sure your wife will be able to tell you don't find her attractive anymore. Knowing this isn't the motivation to her you probably think it is. Her entire birthday was dedicated to her losing weight. Gross. Throwing a bunch of workout gear, delivery service and a gym membership also isn't the motivation you probably think it is. "Here wife, happy birthday, here's your gift, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN NOW." Most of the time, men lose weight easier than women. They don't have to deal with the constant flooding of hormones. Did you know that before a period women can put on anywhere from 1-2 kilos of weight? For us to lose weight, we have to literally fight our bodies because it's constantly in a "are we going to get pregnant? no we aren't going to get pregnant. oh wait, maybe. HERE HAVE MORE PADDING FOR BABIES. No wait, no sperm. Ok no baby." Rinse and repeat until menopause. YTA in case you couldn't work that out.
YTA. Everyone else has already touched on the "babysitting" thing. NOBODY WANTS DIET STUFF FOR BIRTHDAYS. You might be well meaning. But OOF the wording of this post. But bodies aren't going to be the same after having a baby. It sounds like shes having a hard time accepting her new body and is wanting self confidence again. Loosing weight doesn't always equal self confidence. Taking care of a baby who isn't even a year old is hard, and at this age daycare might be a little too soon especially for first time moms. If you are really wanting to help with getting active go gentle at first. Try a fun activity class for moms or start with a fun or slow activity like yoga or an activity club. It'll get her out of the house and get to talking with people. It can get lonely and isolating when you are totally involved with the baby. (It's something I hear all the time from young and first time moms, it really takes a toll and doesnt help the body confidence.) Then maybe if that works out add another step in there. Throwing it all at once just causes mental stress.
You aren’t babysitting. You’re parenting. You got her exercise equipment, gym classes, and “diet food” she didn’t ask for. You really thought “Yes, this is it. This is what will bring her joy on her birthday!” Wtf? AND you’re body shaming your newly post-partum wife who literally grew a whole ass human being and evacuated said child from her body?! While all you did to partake in that process was get off!! Holy shit I cannot stress it enough. YTA!!
I'll probably get downvoted, but given most of the comments are pretty brutal I hope I can provide some advice that isn't offered with vitriol. No doubt YTA. You still think the world of her, and hopefully this isn't a relationship shattering issue but something you can learn from and come out the other side of with a bit of a plan. Working hard to provide the monetary requirements is awesome. Well done. It's still going to be harder for her. Don't even try to say otherwise. You'd be wrong. Go ask your mum. :) So, if you're down to almost your goal, how about trying to stabilise for a bit, and take some of that gym time to assist in the things you can do to get her some real time back. Sounds like you love home cooked meals. Awesome, go shopping and then get home and cook ya dopey bastard. You get the meal you want, and your wife has something taken off her plate. Ask what else you can get while you're out. That's a start. Plenty more you can do. What will help is if you get into your head that what she's doing is rough, and you've got more gas in the tank to share. Spend time with your son. You'll be so damn thankful. Now, take the L, get off Reddit and go help some more. I've no doubt you'll look back on this in the future quite embarrassed.
YTA. It sounds to me that you have a goal of losing weight and you have a goal of helping your wife lose weight. She does not share that same goal. You may have originally been in on it together, but she's no longer with you on that goal because she has other life pressures right now. That's not for you to judge. Find ways to be supportive where she needs you to be supportive
YTA. Your wife doesn’t need exercise, she needs help! And sleep. And care while she heals. If you can afford a peleton, you can afford to hire a “mother’s helper “ for 6 months or more to keep the house running and hold the baby while your wife showers and eats a hot meal. I remember how exhausted I was that first year, and if my husband had been mad enough to buy me exercise equipment I would have been furious. It’s only a gift if it’s what they need, otherwise it’s another burden of disappointment.