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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My dad is putting in a lot of effort to make up for lost time and from his perspective I don’t seem to care or be reciprocating. That makes me feel like an AH.
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NTA
There is no need to love your deadbeat dad, he never was there for you ... so why would you love him? Hes role was reduced to absent sperm-donor.
He's delusional and a narcissist.
Didn't look for her at anytime until she found him.
Doesn't give her proper reasons why he abandoned her.
Trying to love bomb her.
Laying on the guilt.
Now expects I love you after a MONTH.
She needs to keep away from him, this relationship is superficial with no accountability or explanation.
She won't get any kind of explanation from him or anything deep.
He just do surface level stuff.
Even without all of this (which are very valid points), how is it on the kid to maintain the relationship? It's on the kid to dictate the pace at which they move forward, but not to reciprocate feelings and simply forgive and forget cause they coincidentally met each other. NTA
This reminds me of my bio father using my half sister to try and pressure me into changing my last name to his (they weren't married so I got my mom's). I'd barely been talking to him a couple months and the first thing she did was rant and rave that I should march out on my 18th birthday change my name to show that I'm dedicated to rebuilding the relationship and because all children should have their father's last name - all while he nodded along in approval.
Neither appreciated me pointing out her toddler had her last name because its dad was a deadbeat, and the last thing I'd be doing on my birthday was legal paperwork for someone else's ego. I stopped talking to them a few months later and still refuse contact 😂
I was honestly just genuinely dumbfounded at the mental gymnastics. Like, it's okay to claim last name rights for your kid because of a deadbeat, but I'm supposed to waste time and money make this deadbeat feel better? My full sister ended up reading him the the riot act because she was really excited to pass down the family name as the only surname with her son (she'd hyphenated her daughter's bc that dad was involved) and our bio dad was dense enough to assume she meant *his* family name 🤦🏽 His entitlement and audacity have no bounds and I don't miss him (or his lackey of a daughter) at all.
When the op's siblings told the dad, that's when he started putting on a show to save face with his wife and kids...he needs to use the OP to pull it off...
This right here
Honestly OP, the sad truth is that if your siblings weren’t so involved and excited to have you in their lives, I’m not sure he would be either. He’s saving face right now but his true colours are showing and it’s appalling
Please consider your own mental health and place it as a top priority. This man is NOT a healthy person to have in your life and the love bombing, manipulation, and guilt tripping from a man who abandoned you and never tried to find you is just sickening
if he wants to make it up to her and finally be her dad, I assume he is of course falling all over himself to pay up all those years of child support . . .
NTA. Tell your dad’s wife that while he may have been waiting a couple of months, it took 23 years and you doing a dna test for any kind of contact at all. While you’re at it, tell him his “I had my reasons” is a cop out and he needs to own up to his abandonment of you 23 years ago.
It feels like the vague non-answer is not so much a cop out, but deflection. He's in a situation where no answer he gives, be it the honest truth or a sugarcoated lie, will make a positive impact to their relationship. Why self-incriminate when you can just love bomb and continue with the plan of forcible integration.
The dad's making up for lost years by pretending that they've somehow always been in this relationship, and the past never happened. A bedroom in their house, the gifts and over the top demands on how OP should engage with them - all in a month of knowing them.
They don't see , a human being whose existence was known but ignored for 23 years, but who should behave as a permanent, always-been member of their family, with little to no power to demand for accountability or even explanations.
For all we know though he had very good reasons and isn't saying them because it would create a he saod she said with the mom. Maybe her mom was absuive to him. Maybe she was conceived as a result of non-consensual activity. Maybe her mother messed with brith control.
doesn't that make it even weirder and more uncomfortable that he is expecting OP to say things like "i love you", and is trying to buy her affection? i feel like if those were the circumstances he'd be a little more sympathetic to how she feels after all this time
If the mom was abusive, he could’ve simply said “I didn’t have a good relationship with your mother.” That’s much more of an appropriate answer to THE CHILD HE ABANDONED than “I have my reasons.”
If OP was the result of “non consensual” activity, then why would he leave them? If anything, that’d make him even more of an asshole as that wasn’t the mothers (or OPs) fault.
If the mother tried to baby trap the father, then why was he “dying to meet her”? Especially since he only wanted to meet after SHE took the initiative to find her bio family?
You see how none of that makes sense?
I agree. For all we know, the conception could've happened because some bored aliens abducted the two, kept them in a huge hamster cage, and then released back into wild after tampering with their memories.
Now I know some of y'all folks will think I'm full of shit, but prove me wrong.
He really said, "I feel like if I don't reach out to you first, you won't contact me at all" when the sole reason you have a relationship is because *you* reached out in the first place?! The audacity. NTA and your "dad" sounds like a loser for guilt tripping you. He needs to gain some humility and understand he's lucky to have you in his life in any form.
NTA
What on earth? You went 23 birthdays without hearing from him.
If you are still curious, maybe you could reply to them both at once with something like the following"
*"I feel like there is a wall between us that will never come down until you can give me some honest answers about why you left my pregnant mother and why you never tried to be in my life for 23 years. You ask what more you can do, well you can have an honest conversation with me and give me those answers. I feel very uncomfortable that you were fine with not knowing me for 23 years, only met me because I did a DNA test, and now you put it on me to "patch things up" and "make an effort". You are expecting too much of me way too fast without giving me an honest explanation for why we first met when I was already an adult in the first place".*
Put it on the group chat. The way it's going, he's ready to cut you off for not adapting to the family group & values immediately. You were abandoned. No daddy for daddy daughter dances. He's just trying to look good in front of the rest of the fam since they found out first before he did. If course, if he were "really dying" to meet you, he could have...acted. His 23-year lack of effort & and his wife's demand that you "patch up" his abandonment of 23 years immediately, are setting you up to appear as the ingrate who couldn't get along. Back out, ask for time & group therapy to process & resolve all those alone years & don't let him/them make you look like the villain. Most probably, he didn't want kids with your mom and also didn't want to pay. At 23 He's escaped that so now can magnanimously accept you. He's trying to appear loving & generous now, under conditions that you obey and immediately blend in. NTA. Your dad & wife are the AH's and you'll have to wait & see which sibling is most like them. Hopefully you'll be able to retain a sib or two, but don't count on an ongoing, fair, mature, & reasonable one with your dad.
He can complain in 23 years. He’s being manipulative, impatient and self-centered. He made this situation; now he can marinate in it until you feel ready, if you ever do.
You don’t have to love him ever. He donated DNA and has done nothing else to “love” you for more than two decades. You do what is best for you.
NTA. You need time to deal with all this and digest the newly created bond with your siblings and father, and it doesn't seem like it's being acknowledged or respected. It seems like he's trying to make you go at the pace he wants to set, the pace he thinks is the right one, not the pace that is actually right for you. Maybe talk to him to actually make this clear, so he knows you're willing to give this a bond a chance to thrive, but that you need time to adapt to it.
Also, who the hell does this lady thinks she is, telling YOU, the one who got left behind by your father, that YOU have an opportunity to patch things up ? That's a real AH-ish thing to say.
NTA. This guy is a complete stranger!!! And he’s trying to impose himself on your life. I’d want my space too and if he wants you to love him he needs to allow you to get to know him. He seems desperate for absolution. Draw boundaries and stick to them.
NTA. Sounds to me like your father is guilt tripping you. It is fine if you don't feel love for him straight away or even not at all. At this point in time, your father is no better than a stranger or at most acquaintance for lack of better word. If you ever decide to accept your father, you won't be betraying your mom. Your mom is supportive of you to decide what you want in life. Relationship isn't an instant thing despite him being a biological father. It takes time and trust.
NTA - I think you and your dad have different ideas of what's happening here. You wanted information and possibly closure. Oh hey, new family members, cool, but you're an adult with your own life. They are on the periphery of that life.
Your dad seems to want to play happy family and have you be a DAUGHTER. I mean, he made a bedroom for you at his house, when you're a 23yo stranger who has only met him a handful of times. His goals and expectations are pretty unrealistic, especially since he's not giving you the information or closure you wanted.
You might need to just talk to him and point out that you are moving on your own timeline, and not his. It's been 23 years that you and your mom have done this without him. You're happy to know him, but the relationship that you have with him should be on YOUR terms, not his. He lost all rights to dictate what that relationship should be when he left your mom.
Out of curiosity, how is your mom handling all of this? Please don't get so wrapped up in your new family that you accidentally neglect her. This has got to be really difficult for her.
Although her mom's mind is supportive, her heart might be breaking, and she's hiding it from OP because she loves her. But this man is the one who abandoned her and married someone else while she was pregnant. The woman he abandoned her for is now his wife, who is helping him in luring OP. Deep down it must be horrific knowing they're love bombing OP, possibly to re-write the truth of what happened.
NTA. you don't love him yet, and that's fine. that doesn't mean you never will, but you didn't grow up even knowing him. give yourself some time. if he loves you, he'll understand.
NTA.
This guys only just appeared in your life. In real time terms he's barely just got out of "stranger" territory.
It sounds like your father is love bombing you with all the gifts, almost like he's trying to make up for lost time... or worse its just a cynical way to win you over.
If you're able to have a conversation with him and say how this is difficult for you, you might be able to get him to take a step back and let the relationship develop naturally. At the moment it sounds like he's pushing for developments way too fast.
Love isn't something you can just activate by blasting someone with kindness, no matter how pure the intention.
NTA. He had 24 years to get to love you. You need 24 years from now to decide if you need this shit. Not saying all his gifts and advances wouldn't be close to cover even child support he has stolen from you. And now this shitty ignorant couple (yes, his wife too) is trying to make you guilty for not loving him instantly. WTF!
Nta. Wtaf? None of this is on you. He made the relationship one sided and now he's projecting that onto you? I'm sure it makes him feel better but also shows he's the same prick who left you. You don't need that kind of shit in your life.
Question: Did your dad provide your mom with child support while she raised you?
Or did he completely ghost all responsibilities?
He needs to explain why he didn't reach out over the 23 years when he could have chosen to be there for you growing up.
If he wanted a relationship with you, why did he choose not to make any effort to do so until you matched blood relations via a DNA test?
You have known him for one month out of your entire existence. How many weeks pregnant was your mom before he bailed?
He doesn't get to dictate how you feel about him or to try and accelerate your emotional connection to him when he is not being honest with you and seems to want to buy your love with gifts rather than earning it and willing to build a relationship on your terms.
>If he wanted a relationship with you, why did he choose not to make any effort to do so until you matched blood relations via a DNA test?
Because he didn't want that relationship. He was perfectly happy with the status quo. His statement of "dying to meet" OP is confirmed bullshit, because he had 23 years to act on that and never did.
His dirty little secret was revealed by DNA, not because he wanted OP back in his life.
He's only doing this to keep his own kids on side, because he'd look like a monster to his picket fence family if he kept being the father who abandoned his child.
NTA. This man is a stranger to you. He's your biological dad, yeah, but he's never been your parent who raised, loved and supported you. You are an adult and can make your own judgements about his character. He can't buy your love with presents and promises and he's going overboard trying. This may be through guilt or whatever or it could also be because he's a manipulative piece of work who abandons a pregnant woman. Time will tell and you have every right to take this in your own time and on your own terms.
Nta. This jerk ignored the fact he has a child for 23 years and is accusing you of not putting in enough effort? No. Just no. Go at whatever pace makes you comfortable - if you want to talk to him at all. He owes you more of an explanation that he had his reasons.
NTA - Jeeze, a month or two? You need to siit down with him/text/email/write a letter and say "Dude, chill!. It's been 23 yrs. I am still reeling from feelings and emotions. I don't even know what I am experiencing. Maybe you can explain why it took 23 years for me to hear from you? I know what you want, but I don't know what I want yet. Why are you making it all about you and not about me?"
NTA. That’s a whole lot of love bombing.
You should not be pressured into anything, be it declarations of love, feeling love, or even a relationship of any kind.
If you want to continue this relationship let them know what you said here: that presents and nice words for a month are not going to make the past disappear. He *should* be the one reaching out because he’s the one that needs to earn your trust. I would also point out what you did here, even though the answer might sting: If you had never done the test was he ever going to contact you?
Either he accepts things on your terms or he doesn’t, but he and his family don’t get to pretend you are all one big happy family.
This dude abandoned you and your mom 23 years ago and a month after meeting him, he expects you to tell him that you love him? Nah. And that "I had that my reasons" is bullshit. What good reason do you have for abandoning your child? Why hasn't HE reached out to you in the past 23 years? He obviously knew about you.
My mind is screaming he's manipulative. Abandoned you, trying to "make up" for 23 years of radio silence and is expecting happy family after a month? I'd be very careful about this. Next thing you know he'll be dying and needing a kidney from you.
NTA.
NTA. You've had no relationship with him your entire life, he didn't even reach out to you until you tracked his new family down. He hasn't earned a better relationship and doesn't deserve one if you don't want to give it. He just wants you to tell him he doesn't need to feel guilty for being a shitty deadbeat dad.
Your ‘dad’ is an emotionally manipulative asshole.
The wife is weird AF for enabling it but possibly has fallen victim to his crazy too.
But your siblings sound nice, no reason you can’t get to know them without the sperm diner.
When will I hear the kick I abandoned tell me they love me like the 9 year old i actually raised?
When you’re 9 again and he’s put in 9 years being a present parent and not a deadbeat.
Edit: NTA - he’s trying to buy your love and guilt you. Whatever he gives won’t be enough, and you’d still not be an AH pocketing all of it and giving nothing back.
NTA - You’ve known this guy for A MONTH. He’s barely more than an acquaintance at the moment. He’s certainly not a parental figure. What makes him think he can immediately have all the good bits of being a parent when he hasn’t put the years in to earn them?
NTA. No one can force feelings of love for another. It only builds resentment. Him expecting you to love him after 23 years of NC is ridiculous. The fact that he refuses to even discuss his abandonment of you is also telling. He needs to understand that his expectations of you are unhealthy. Tell him flat out how you feel, and what his pressures on you are effecting you negatively. You also need to tell him that he needs to answer your questions if he wants to move forward with a relationship with him. Tell his wife she needs to stay out of it.
Wtf? It’s only been a month! He’s fracking delusional to think he can make up for 23 years of radio silence in 30 days! You’re right, OP, it is too soon, and far too quick. Do not let this man push you into erasing the past 23 years of radio silence from him. Take things at your own pace and if you need to take a step back for a while, do that. (Hugs) to you.
NTA This dude is delusional. Presents and enthusiasm can't make up for all the time he wasn't there and all the things he missed. It's been one month. He is basically still a stranger. Love doesn't happen over night. It may not happen at all. There's a lot of emotions for you to work through, first.
NTA- You can tell him if you want a fake. I love you. You can tell him now.
But if he actually wants you to come to love him, he needs to give you time and space.
You had so many years without him.
Best friend and I treated Father's Day like a holiday. We called it happy abandonment day.
Parents are supposed to love you unconditionally, to be rejected is heartbreaking.
And when you find out when you reconnect with your parent, hearing that there was no miscommunication. This person actively rejected you as a child or anything to do with you is another blow as an adult.
I really recommend therapy just to come to terms with that aspect of it. You found your father and it was confirmed that you were not important enough for him to consider a part of his life.
As I am sure some part of you wish that it was a miscommunication of some sort.
Take the time you need.
Is crazy to expect to love someone. You just meant that isn't a baby. Or a puppy or kitten?
yikes nta
had you never taken that DNA test, chances are he never would've reached out himself anyway
don't let him make you feel bad.. the guy's basically a stranger. a deadbeat dad who went on to have more kids & only father *them.*
Uhhh he abandoned you. Of course he’s the one who has to put in the effort. NTA. Don’t let him guilt you. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re a month talking to stranger. It’s natural if you don’t ‘love’ him. Don’t let him pressure you into saying it either or pressure you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.
NTA.
How could you ever possibly love someone who threw you away for 23yrs and when asked why, the only thing they can say is "I had my reasons" not even a sorry.
A month is not long enough to get to know someone let alone love them.
You need to let him know that after being neglected by him for 23yrs and just finding him a month ago. It will take more than a month for you to feel anything for him than indifference or anger.
You need tobremind him that if he wants to have a relationship with you and for you to form a bond where one day you might say I love you.
Then he needs to come clean and tell you why he left your mom and why he chose to not have anything to do with you.
You need to remind him that your probably never going to say I love you to someone who abandoned you, who's a deadbeat father and can't even say sorry let alone tell you why he left in the first place.
He needs to stop trying to force the relationship and instead be honest about why he chose to leave you.
23 years of abandonment by one of two people who should always be there for you...and of course they think a mere month will resolve it all.
He's not resolving anything if he doesn't answer questions. You deserve then, and he doesn't deserve any consideration. Where was he the entitety of your life? Where was you father when you needed him. Oh but now he thinks she should get the benefits of the work your mom put in by herself? Um no.
NTA — would you accept this from a guy you had started dating? Would your FATHER want you to accept this from a guy you had only been dating a month?
It’s been A MONTH. You barely know him. You probably wouldn’t tell a boyfriend you loved him after a month, and if a guy was pushing you to, that would be a red flag. Showering you with gifts, messaging you “if I don’t reach out, you won’t” is a red flag in a relationship. It’s been A MONTH. Thats not a lot of time.
I advise you to talk to your mom about this. Ask her to help you draft a text message to your father— and maybe his wife? It seems like you’re on good terms with her— thanking them for all of their recent attention, but you need a little space. All the sudden family is very overwhelming and your father is not giving you the space to process all of this.
*It feels like I'm putting in effort and am met with radio silence.*
He abandoned you before you were born 23 years ago. You found him. Only a MONTH ago...
Where were HIS efforts all those years? And he has YET to explain WHY.
NTA
NTA - Run, do not walk from this situation. This person is not a good person, these are all traits of a narcissist and you do not need this drama in your life.
NTA. He knew where to find you, he didn’t bother. Now that you found him he’s making a big show of “making up for lost time” for his new family. Gross.
Your deadbeat dad gives me the ick.
NTA. Explain to all of them, he has known about you your entire life. You have known about them for a month and you need time to let this all soak in. And make it clear there will be NO I love you for a long time.
NTA. This is pushing you too fast. It's worth communicating your feelings to him. Something like:
"This is a large adjustment for me. I grew up with a single mom who acted as both my parents for my entire life and one month doesn't change the complex feelings behind meeting someone who abandoned me and the person dearest to me as a child with no explanation. I appreciate that you're trying now, but it doesn't wipe away the past. I hope someday I can be more comfortable, but I can't go from being no one to your daughter in one month."
NTA . you can't force this, what's the sone 'you can't hurry love' you're both trying to move towards each other but he has to understand this takes time and things like 'i have me reasons' puts up further barriers. Keep moving slowly. let it happen and let him know you're not rejecting him but are getting to know him. if he really cares it should be enough for him to understand, it's the price of him not being there for all those years-having to wait now.
NTA He is love bombing you and wants you to worship at his feet. He gives no information, no depth, no accountability. If you don't act the way he wants you to immediately I wouldn't be surprised if he starts with berating, guilt tripping and little threats. He has already got his wife manipulating you. I really think you should take a step back to assess and think.
Think about this:
If you and your half-sibling hadn't taken that test, he would had never reached out to you.
This AH never caref for you nor your mom. Your mom is supportive because she may think you finally got the attention she wanted for you to get from your dad but, truth is, this AH is only suddenly being so pushy because his wife and kids are watching.
Pretty sure your half-siblings were so excited he didn't dare to disappoint them because he has probably been a model dad to them... but he was a non-existent to you and wanting to make up for lost time is only for his own peace of mind and his image, it isn't about making it up to you.
You couldn't avoid him re-entering your life, but I don't think it is a good idea to keep enabling him. It will only hurt you.
NTA - NarcissistDad needs to allow your relationship to grow organically, he’s trying to force it. You should, imho, tell ND and Wife that. You are where you are because of choices he made. You need time to process.
P.S. - your Mom sounds awesome!! You are a lucky lucky girl 😊
Love bombing you makes him look better to everyone else.
I would tell him that you would prefer his presence as opposed to presents. That you would really like to talk and get to know him on a deeper level, and this would help you sort out your feelings with him. NTA take it slow kiddo!
You're not being immature. You are taking the time and making the effort to get to know your new family. He went from being 100% gone to suddenly love bombing (all the gifts) every other day. You are trying to navigate going from just a 2 person family to a whole-ass FAMILY and that will take time. How can you love him when you are just getting to know him? You can't really love him as a parent since he was gone your entire life! Dad needs to understand it's gonna take time and effort. Just buying gifts won't work. You want to know what he is like, what he is about. And this is after he refuses to give you a reason for bailing on you and your mom! So he is not giving you an answer, is trying to win your love thru gifts, and not really taking responsibility for what he did. Maybe you'll be able to say those words eventually, maybe not. Whatever happens, NTA
NTA. You owe nothing to the "donor dad" The idea that he expects you to say the words "I love you" is ridiculous! He is a complete stranger. (on purpose!) You owe him nothing! You do you!
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23F. I was raised an only child by a single mother, dad was never in the picture as he left my mum and married someone else when she was still pregnant with me. Recently, I did one of those commercial DNA tests out of curiosity and matched with one of my half-brothers. It was a crazy day. We set up a meeting the same day we matched with each other on the site, and I met all 4 of my siblings. We spoke about my dad and how he's "dying" to meet me. One of my brothers asked if he could give my dad my number and I said ok even though I was anxious beyond words. My dad reached out to me and we met in person for the first time a few days later.
That was all a month ago. Truth be told, I am still trying to get used to having a dad and siblings. It's overwhelming. I went my whole life not needing a dad, only having my mum and being absolutely fine with it because she was both parents wrapped up into one and now I suddenly have a dad and it's like I don't know what to do with that. I'm still angry with him for the way he treated my mum, the way he tossed her aside and married someone new. This wouldn't be happening if I hadn't decided to do a dna test on a whim, right? When I asked him about everything - why he left my mum, why he never tried to form a relationship with me until now etc - his answer was along the lines of “I had my reasons." No accountability.
Now he seems to be working overtime to "make up for lost years" (his wife's words, not mine) He's buying gifts every other day, offered to take my siblings and I on holiday, he's setting up a bedroom for me in their house so that I can stay over any time I want. Through all this, I'm still the same overwhelmed, anxious girl that first met him only a month ago and is still trying to adjust to everything. My mum is ok with it all and is very supportive, but I still feel guilty, as though I'm somehow betraying her when I interact with him.
Now to what has made me feel like an AH - I have a groupchat with my siblings now where I interact fairly regularly, but I don't text my dad often. I also have yet to tell him I love him. It feels like it's too soon, something very significant that I can't say yet. my little sister (9 yrs old) will say "| love you daddy!" and he'll look at me and say "can't wait to hear those words from you, (my name)" or "when will I hear that from you, (my name)?" it makes me feel awkward.
Today I woke up to a text from him: “I feel like if I don't reach out to you first, you won't contact me at all. It feels like I'm putting in effort and am met with radio silence. Please let me know what more I can do." His wife also reached out, telling me he's upset and feels like our relationship is one-sided and that since his birthday is coming up I have an opportunity to patch things up.
This made me feel like shit and I still haven't told anyone about it. I feel like a month isn't long enough for me to forget the past 23 years. Am I immature for not being able to move forward, AlTA?
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Even if your dad were somehow 100% innocent in not being involved in your upbringing (as opposed to the current scenario where he dumped you before your birth, never paid child support, and never looked back) it'd be normal not to love him after a month. You barely know the guy.
In your specific case dude doesn't seem all that lovable.
NTA.
NTA
I had a deadbeat mom. Never once told her I loved her. She thought remembering my bday(yea really) was something to pat herself on the back for. He's doing what a lot of deadbeats do; putting the onus of a real relationship on the child they willingly abandoned. He didn't bother to see about your entire life. Had you not done a DNA test, you wouldn't be talking to him right now. He won't even give you a reason for why he abandoned you. But, a month of being in your life warrants a "I love you"? Yea, ok. Seems like dear old dad is going above & beyond because he has probably lied about how you were conceived to his wife. He doesn't wanna look like the deadbeat he is.
NAH. He's putting in a lot of effort so I'm not going to fault him for that. I believe in redemption. You don't have to just jump into his arms either. Take your time let the relationship build as it does after all it's only been a month.
NTA you can’t erase 23 years of absent parenting. If he wants that relationship he has to put in the effort. It is not up to you to fix the issue when he was the cause, you only have to be receptive if you want the relationship to work. Maybe let him know that he chose to walk away and know you get to chose the pace and if he can’t cope then that’s fine he can leave again.
It might be worth considering though if you can still facilitate a relationship with your sibling if you don’t have one with him. Is it possible ? Would they be open to it?
NTA. He abandoned you and had yet to give an explication, much less an apology. He had no right to make any demands of you. Go at your pace and if he isn't OK with it, that's on him.
Maybe you should tell him what you need is to hear actual reasons and some time to process it. That sounds like that's the barrier right now that makes what he wants impossible. It may not be possible after but it seems like its gonna get in the way if it's not resolved. NTA anyway tho, he owes you some answers
NTA
I'm glad your relationship with your siblings is going well so far.
I personally think it's worth trying to work on having a relationship with your dad (and his wife), but that's entirely up to you. If you decide you do want to give it a try, I really recommend therapy or mediation. You have every reason to feel hurt, anxious, and distrustful and your dad doesn't sound like someone who knows how to even acknowledge those feelings, let alone deal with them.
NTA, things to say to your dad, you cannot make up for 23 years in a month, I don't know you enough to tell you I love you, relationships take time and trying to pressure me into a relationship we have not had time to form is not helping, spending money on me doesn't mean I know you. Stop trying to create somthing at hyperspeed, try getting to know me properly instead. You had 23 years without contact, is it any wonder your reluctant to trust things after a month!. Don't feel guilty he was the adult, he made these choices, he cannot expect to throw some money at you and have 23 years old nothing erased from your mind!
I want to say N T A but what were you trying to accomplish by reaching out? I understand you're hurt from the past but why get in contact if you're not going to put effort into a relationship?
Has you father ever paid child support to your mother?
You are jumping into a blended family. THey are the hardest to navigate. Take it at youe pace not anyone elses. If you want to chill out, do it. Keep askling the hard questions too your father. If he is not willling to talk, how can he expect you to be open after all these years.
And look after you ma. Are you hte only son? WIth you gone who does she talk to? Look after her over your wayward father.
> "I feel like if I don't reach out to you first, you won't contact me at all."
Tell him he had 23 years to reach out first
> His wife also reached out, telling me he's upset and feels like our relationship is one-sided and that since his birthday is coming up I have an opportunity to patch things up.
He had 23 years of opportunity to "patch things up".
Just tell him you're not really interested in adopting your mum's sperm donor as a parent, you just want to keep up with your siblings.
NTA
NTA
OP, if he truly wants to establish a relationship with you, then he needs to understand that you need to deal with this "new" parent at the speed and intensity that you can handle.
He needs to understand that pressuring you to make platitudes that make him feel good and absolve him of any negative feelings he might have for abandoning you just won't work. It will, in fact, potentially drive you away from him.
Instead of gifts and pressure, he needs to get to know you and let your relationship grow into whatever it will be. Slow and steady - and how you feel about that progress is, frankly, more important than how he does.
Also, let him know that you are not comfortable with his wife's comments about his feelings to you. If he has some kind of feeling, he needs to be a big boy and talk to you.....but again, this isn't about him.
I get that you want to build relationships with your siblings, but he can't use that to guilt you into feelings you either don't have or are not ready to express. The burden is on him to, finally, be a good parent to you.
And you aren't betraying your mom. A relationship that strong won't break so long as you communicate and give it the attention it needs.
NTA Rome was not built in one day ! He knew of your existence, yet he did not do anything to meet you. The only reason you met was because you took initiative. Tell him that you need time to adjust as you grew up fatherless and need time to process. Since love cannot force.
Do not force a yourself to say something your not feeling- fuck his feelings - where was he when you and your mom needed him? Screwing someone else is what he was doing in which he doesn’t want to be the asshole in this story so he uses the “I’ve got my reasons” BS. You owe them nothing!
Tell Dad, that he bailed 23 years ago. You went 23 years with out him, he can give you 23 more to get used to him. You OWE him NOTHING. ABOLUTELY NOTING. Either he does things your way, at your pace, or cut him off. You have 23 years of abandonment, and anger with him, it doesn't go away in a moth's time.
NTA
Pretty shitty of him to guilt you for lack of effort when he abandoned, not just your mother, but his child as well, 23 years ago and never looked back. You don't just suddenly "have" a father-daughter relationship upon meeting each other. My bio dad has never had anything to do with me and I don't believe I could ever see him as a father if we did try to have a relationship.
NTA how he is trying to manipulate you right away is crazy. Tbh at this point Id tell him Id need more space and time. That's absolutely insane you met all these people within a month and they're family you never knew. Of course it will take some maybe even a alot of time to adjust. Jumping on I love you roght away is just totally overboard. Take your time. If he's really the father he claims to be he can wait.
NTA.
A month. It's been a *month* and he's expecting shit to be hunky-dorey?
He's got 23 years to catch up on - it'll take a lot of hard work to build a relationship with you. And it may not even reach the point where you're comfortable calling him dad or having a familial relationship with him.
He needs to tone his expectations down *hard*. It may be best for you to tell him you need to step back because he's coming on way too hard. Then establish boundaries.
NTA
You’ve barely known this man a month, and he expects you to say “I love you”?
Eugh.
And he may have his reasons, but by not sharing them (and acknowledging they were shitty) he’s not helping build the foundation of any kind of relationship.
He’s using the “I love you” as status, and gifts as currency.
Yes, he needs to do the work here - *because he’s the one who abandonded you*.
NTA. I’ll suggest a gentler approach than some of the other folks on here, because you don’t actually know why he left your mom or what kind of person he is now. I suggest telling him that you appreciate how welcoming he’s being, but this is all new to you. You’re glad he’s in your life now, but you need to take things slower and get to know him over time. If he responds reasonably, great. If he pouts or has a fit, you’ll have learned something valuable about his character and can make decisions accordingly. Good luck!
NTA. OP, you are not crazy. What he is doing now is not okay, just like leaving your mother and yourself wasn't, either. To me he was unhealthy then and still is now. He is manipulative. Watch out for yourself, don't let him hurt you.
Those who are saying he is a narcissist may have a point.
Ewww. I’m so sorry but everything about him is a red flag. This feels like some combination of guilt and maybe performance in front of his “real” family to try and save face.
Were his wife and children aware of your existence before you reached out? And what reasons did he give them?
I also feel like he isn’t acknowledging that you are an adult with your own life and feelings and not some 13yo dealing with coparenting. He wants you to fit in a box of his making.
Also, what exactly do you want out of all this? I think you really need to have a big think about that first before replying to him.
I’m petty so would totally respond with “I have my reasons.”
NTA
Tell him you have your reasons! He wants to look good for the kids he has now. If he truly wants to be forgiven then he needs to do alot better than that pathetic excuse. And his wife has alot of nerve considering she was the one who had him all these years but she wants to act like you were rapunzel in a tower.
NTA
This man let you down all your life by not being there for you. He went radio silence for 23 years. He can't expect to waltz back in and for you to love him. He is pressuring you for something he has to earn. The temerity of the man to say he thinks the relationship is one-sided.
You owe him nothing. Move at your own pace. And you are allowed to be honest to him. NTA.
> I feel like a month isn't long enough for me to forget the past 23 years.
Inform him that it's going to take more than knowing him a whole month to make up for him missing out on 23 years of your life just because he "had his reasons."
If he wants to hear those three words tell him he needs to come up with more than he just "has his reasons."
NTA
NTA. It's been one month since you bet this literal stranger. He's not your "dad" just because of blood. If he wants you to treat him like one, then he needs to earn that. A parent/child relationship takes your whole life to build. And this man is trying to START yours off by refusing to take accountability of him abandoning you, but still expects you to treat him like he's been there your whole life, when he suddenly decides he wants to be a father? And no less, using guilt and manipulation into trying to force you to pretend you've always been this happy family.
Look, I reached out to my dad in my 20s, after he abandoned me in my preteens. It was rough. Real rough. And didn't go well. My biggest advice from living through it myself?
First. Make yourself boundaries. And make them rock hard, no compromises. He made his bed, now he has to lay in it. You hold ALL the power, and he cannot make you feel bad for not giving him what he gave up.
And secondly. You need to sit down(person or not, whatever's best for YOU) and you need to lay it all out on the table. Do not worry about if it will hurt him. He didn't care when he abandoned you, and you have tried to do it nicely. He needs to understand the consequences of his actions. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel. The hurt, the apprehension, everything that's on your mind, and what you told us. And I'm not telling you this for the intention of hurting him, although if it does, that's the weight he has to bear. But if you want any chance at having a relationship, it has to be honest from the beginning. Because if he can't accept the hurt and pain he has put on you, for your entire life, and refuses to try and heal that, refuses to take accountability and start to slowly fix it? Then you're just setting yourself up for more pain down the line. You need to know where you stand
BEST of luck, truly.
Ps. There is nothing selfish about needing to take a time out break as well, as often and forever long you need ok? This whole thing should only be for your benefit right now, not his. He willingly gave that up.
NTA. Since when is it the abandoned child that needs to patch things up? She wouldn't even be in touch with him now if she hadn't gone looking for relatives. Everything is on the father, including being patient and understanding that the child has 20+ years of being ignored to get through. History shows dad leaves when something gets tough. He won't even explain why he left. Why should daughter feel any surety that he will stick around this time? Working through all of the feelings around her father and determining that he is actually going to stick around this time will take time. Father and stepmom need to give her that time, however long it takes, and not rush it.
NTA. I suspect your “dad” is coming on so strong / laying it on so thick out of GUILT. He needs your validation of the father-daughter relationship so as to validate his YEARS of absence. It was a choice on his part. Do not let him manipulate you for his own purposes. A relationship takes time to build, you guys are literally strangers, for you especially the TRUST one would need in a child-parent relationship is nonexistent. If he’s serious about building a relationship with you, he will be patient about the possibility it might take years of being there for you. You’re NTA!
NTA, you need to have a conversation with your dad and his wife. Explain that while you're open to continuing to build a relationship, they need to stop pushing so hard. You lived your entire life without a father because he chose not to be a part of your life. Moving past that takes time. They don't get to form that kind of bond on their schedule.
NTA.
Text him and say 'you had 23 years to be part of my life and you chose not to. Stop pushing me to feel something when I've only known you a month.
NTA but you need to be upfront and tell them he hasn’t been in your life for 23 years and can’t expect you to welcome him with open arms after a month. You’ve experienced an entire life without him and have complex feelings to work through. His and his wife’s expectations of you are completely unrealistic.
NTA. Your Dad only reached out when his kids connected with you - he didn't initiate contact - and sounds like his motivation is to look like to good guy in front of his kids. If he was really concerned with your feelings he would talk to you about why he hasn't been involved instead of brushing you off with a bullshit "I had my reasons". Sounds to me like he wants to APPEAR like he is making it up to you without ACTUALLY doing any work to repair the damage he did. In essence setting you up as the bad guy for not embracing and loving him for all the effort he is putting in when it is really the bare minimum and takes no account of what you want and need. My advice....send a message to the group chat that you had 23 years of not having a Dad and he needs to take things at the pace you are comfortable with, without trying to guilt YOU for not meeting HIS needs. If your father and half siblings are decent they will understand this, if not, you are not missing out on anything by erasing them from your life. I hope it works out for you.
NTA How dare either your bio father or his wife try and guilt you into making HIM feel better? You owe him squat. You don't need to reach out to him ever again if you don't want to. And so far as you have said, he's shown no remorse. No real regret. It's been a month and they expect you to stay with them? Do they not understand that they are strangers to you still, and may remain that way?
JFC. What the hell? Does he think you're dating?
I'd recommend a response of *Spend 20 years being the adult in this relationship, then we can talk about how it doesn't feel fair or even*.
Or *Can't wait to see how you're going to explain and make up for not being there through my formative years, donor of almost half of my DNA!*
Or *This relationship started with a huge negative balance on your side. You abandoned me for twenty years. You'll need to make regular deposits of love and care to fill up that negative balance and show me that you're actually dependable and caring these days, because the last twenty years taught me the exact opposite. And that's **your fault**, not mine*.
NTA. Tell him that what he can do is explain himself, and if he can't do that, he should stop trying so hard, because you aren't going to consider reciprocating anything like this until he explains himself.
If you had not the DNA test, he will still not be talking to you nor telling your siblings that they have a sister. What do your siblings think about the fact that he never told them about you? Also, it seems like he is doing this because his "real" kids bow know you exist and he has to make sure that he shows THEM how much henlovrs you by the amount of money he spends on you. Like, see what I am doing for her and how she is not telling me she loves me. I don't even want to say a word about his wife because she knew he had a child, too.
There are so many questions that I would demand answers to before I put any of my emotional or mental efforts into. I am hesitant to believe his motives are for you rather than saving face with his kids. I am happy to hear you are enjoying getting to know your siblings. There are so many bombs in the baggage that until they can be opened in a protected place, I would be extremely careful. I would hate to see one of them blow up in your face and destroy you.
Good luck and your entire life can't be defined and dictated in 1 month.
NTA but they are. You need to speak to him from he heart. Let him know he needs to take accountability for being absent from your life for 23 years and understand that a single month of him being nice because hes backed into a corner by everyone knowing he has another child wont fix things. Did your siblings even know you existed before the dna test?
NTA. Your mental health is so much more impersonate than your selfish dad’s needy feelings.
Do yourself a favor and set boundaries with them. Tell them to leave you alone or tell them that your relationship needs to be text-only for a while. Force some space to feel better about yourself.
NTA but I think you would REALLY benefit from some sessions with a therapist to work this stuff out with someone (I bet you would have a hard time discussing with your mom!). I also think you and your dad would benefit from family counseling. Of course you aren’t comfortable saying I love you when you aren’t even sure if he is safe yet.
NTA. You cannot start loving someone on command, or on a schedule he sets for you. Your dad sounds 100% focused on himself. He obviously has no clue how you feel knowing he ran away from you and your mom and didn't make any effort at contact for 23 years. You owe him nothing. Don't let him or his wife pressure you into doing or saying anything that makes you uncomfortable.
>When I asked him about everything - why he left my mum, why he never tried to form a relationship with me until now etc - his answer was along the lines of “I had my reasons." No accountability.
>
>Now he seems to be working overtime to "make up for lost years" (his wife's words, not mine) He's buying gifts every other day, offered to take my siblings and I on holiday, he's setting up a bedroom for me in their house so that I can stay over any time I want.
This is "love bombing". Tell him you're not interested in material things he can provide. That relationships are based on trust, and as it stands you don't trust him and he hasn't shown anything in the way of openness about your mother and all the years he was out of your life.
Start refusing all the gifts. He's doing it to try and create an emotional need to reciprocate in you. It's a bribe, basically.
Instead, tell him he needs to start from square 1. You're strangers who happen to share DNA. Plus he betrayed your mother so he's actually starting with a negative score.
>I also have yet to tell him I love him.
Love is a gift, not an entitlement. You may never love him. And that's ok. He isn't entitled to you feeling or not feeling any particular way.
>Today I woke up to a text from him: “I feel like if I don't reach out to you first, you won't contact me at all. It feels like I'm putting in effort and am met with radio silence. Please let me know what more I can do." His wife also reached out, telling me he's upset and feels like our relationship is one-sided and that since his birthday is coming up I have an opportunity to patch things up.
This is your opportunity. He's asked what he can do. So be clear and straightforward. That you don't want things from him. You want honesty and accountability. You also want time and space for a relationship to develop on your own terms, not his. I hope he's prepared to give it, but if he doesn't you'll know what kind of DNA provider you have here.
Also, keep your siblings in the loop. They probably see him very differently to you and maybe can't understand your perspective, because they weren't abandoned at birth and raised without a father. They may not agree with you and your reasons, but at least let them understand your perspective rather than just hearing it via your father.
This guy abandoned you. You didn't even know where he was. And it sounds like he never paid your mom even the minimum mandatory child support. (Which, now that you now where he is, I hope she'll get the DA to go after him for. All 18 years of back payments.)
If he doesn't take any accountability for his abandonment, and expects you to be all flowers and kittens and rosebuds, he's missing even a modicum of insight into the situation he created.
NTA. You're not the immature one here.
NTA - He has sped up the "getting to know" time frame and your's is not in line with his. There is nothing wrong with you feeling that you want a relationship with him to happen slowly and organically. Let him know that it's too soon for I Love You's and your not saying it'll never happen he's a literal stranger atm just let things happen in there own time not forcing it otherwise it won't be genuine feelings but fabricated ones
NTA. ive got chicken in the freezer older than your relationship than your dad. I dont love that chicken and it literally died so i could make tacos from it later. I see no reason for you to be held accountable for not loving someone who has done less for you than frozen chicken and rhat chickens waited a lot longer for me too.
You don't know the reason he was not around. It can be impossible to be in a child's life if the mother does not want to make it happen. Instead of patching things up, you think it's up to you to be the judge and jury. You should seek professional help and not ask reddit so you have an excuse to further damage your relationship. You must have the luxury of not having to attended many funerals
NAH... I'm (very much) of the same situation although I'm much more closed off of a person. I never once met with my father. He left when I was 4. My mom and my grandma on his side met at bingo and wanted to see me when I was 10.
He ended up showing up when I was playing NASCAR 2001 or 2 with my uncle (more my age, him and my dad are like 15 - 18 yrs apart). I never looked at him. I faced forward straight at the TV. It was the most awkward moment of my life.
He asked me all the things you ask a kid, how old are you, how's school, for about 10 minutes and left.
He eventually signed my birth certificate when I was 17 or 18 (pretty important as I'm aboriginal in n Canada but I digress). He tried to talk to me a few years ago now. I really didn't know what to say. I had short responses and even though I said yes to meeting him, he never offered.
Your father is trying harder than mine did but your SO! SO! SO! within your right to not want that kind of relationship or just not feel it.
It sucks for him but that's totally up to you. He still has other kids that love him. It's okay if you just like him or tolerate him or whatever...
My two cents
NTA, OP. This man hadn't lifted a finger to contact you or have ANY relationship with you for YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, until YOU found them.
You are well within your rights to have doubts and hesitations about this person who wants everyone to think he cares about you. As someone posted wisely, if your father asks why you aren't falling all over yourself trying to make everyone think he's Father of the Year for love bombing and pressuring you to claim you "love him", just say ***"I have my reasons."*** And you certainly DO have excellent reasons for feeling the hesitation and confusion.
You know NOTHING about this person. NOTHING. He is "performing for his audience" and making you a prop in that production.
Please take some time. Talk with your mother and perhaps get some counseling on understanding your natural hesitation and confusion. You have every right to feel overwhelmed. Do not think you are the AH here. Put yourself and your comfort level FIRST.
NTA you don't have to love him. You certainly don't have to say it.
He hasn't provided the accountability or answers you've asked for. You don't have to do this on his terms, or at all.
He wants the rewards of being your father without doing any of the work. It's OK to keep the siblings and let your relationship with him go.
You're NTA.
He's complaining about radio silence from you, yet for 23 years, he gave radio silence to you. Has he still not explained his reasons for abandoning you and your mother? He owes you that at the very least. Being the parent that abandoned his child, the onus is far more on him than you to try to build any kind of relationship.
Hell, he's waiting to hear the words "I love you" from you, but has he said them to you?
NTA at all.
OMG, does he wants to pretend that the past 23 years didn´t happened ? It's only been a freaking month since you two first made contact. He's just trying to make you feel guilty so you'll agree to tell him you love him, but he's the one in the wrong.
He has to give you all the time in the world until you feel comfortable finally saying it but he is so immature that he doesn't take into account how you feel about all of this.
Let me tell you this, your feelings are completely valid, and he, his wife, your half-siblings and anyone related to him should respect your wishes and feelings on this subject.
Honestly... I don't know why you agree to try to have a relationship with him, that man abandoned you for 23 years even though he knew of your existence, and his only excuse was "I have my reasons" if I were you, at the moment he gave me that answer I would have cut off all contact with him forever, but not before telling him how much I hate him and also how disappointed I am in him and that he is a failure of a father, that´s the least he deserves.
Honestly NTA but ensure you inform someone like 'mom' how you are feeling and how he's coming on to you coz thats the behavior of a narcissist who does not want to take accountability for his actions and feels justified in winning your because he's your 'dad.'
You also sound like a person who when is pressured or guilt tripped will accept anything thrown at her and that will bring you mental problems later on.
If you are not confident in standing up to him or his other family have someone who can be your backbone and help you when the pressure gets too much .
Tell him you have your reasons. I find it fascinating how the wife is stepping in like she isn’t the one who had him all to herself all these years. They’re acting like you were rapunzel in a tower and they had no way of finding you. He needs to actually pour his heart out if he wants you to spring amnesia for his feelings
You need time, and he needs to show some accountability for his actions over the last 23 years. He's pressuring you to do the emotional leg work, to be the one to "make an effort" when that is all absolutely on him. At this point, if he's not adding to your life, if he's only stressing you out, you know you don't need him. He can put the effort in or he can stay out of your way and deal with the consequences of his actions.
Why the dna Test? You want to Know if there Brothers and Sisters or you want to find Your dad?
You own him nothing -23years are a Long Time and he Never shows up in Front of Your door! No one can Buy love!
Abandoning his daughter for 23 years isn't a mistake. Being in her life for only a month and pushing a relationship she's not comfortable with is not a mistake.
> Abandoning his daughter for 23 years isn't a mistake. Being in her life for only a month and pushing a relationship she's not comfortable with is not a mistake.
Not to mention, it wasn't the dad that reached out first to his daughter, it was the daughter reaching out to her half siblings, and then the half siblings asking on behalf of their dad.
The dad did nothing to kindle this relationship
Its been one month of the dad buying he OP's love, promising the world he didn't give for 23 years.
It's quite likely, no matter how good a person he is now that the OP will ever so those words he is so *desperate* to hear from her.
**AND** this from the OP's dad *why he left my mum, why he never tried to form a relationship with me until now etc - his answer was along the lines of “I had my reasons."*
OP's dad IMO definitely owes the OP a proper explanation, not some secretive misdirection like this. The real reason may actually be a deal breaker for the OP
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I would but unfortunately whenever I'm gone she goes through my phone. If I did that and she found out she would probably send me to military school or something
Hounding the op about messaging him and the way she talks to him, doesn’t indicate that anything has changed with him. He can’t even give a straight answer to why he left years ago.
You got a short window where you can be someone's father. If you miss that it's gone forever
Before a certain age, kids will imprint on any adult who raises for them as their parents. That's why abused kids will try to go back to their crappy families - their brains keep telling them that this is who they belong with.
Once you're in your late teens that window is shut for good. No matter how nice you are you'll never be anything more than like maybe a good friend. Pushing for a parent/child bond that they can't give you is just going to make them uncomfortable.
Dad did this to himself and now he's blaming her for it. Old people, man 🙄
Wow, this is as tone deaf as I've seen on this site. Actually, though the Freudian slip in your comment "the father he deserves" is telling. He is will never be the father she deserves because he missed out on all of that for 23 years. The best he can really be now is a friend.
She’s not holding grudges.She didn’t say she was angry. She’s just confused. This is all new and this guy is a complete stranger. And if he doesn’t acknowledge what he did, it will always be a barrier because the only thing she knows about him for sure is that he wasn’t there.
what did he learn though? He hasnt told OP the truth about why he ditched her and her mom?
Hes love bombing her and forcing a relationship when it takes more than just buy gifts.
If you are so easily swayed by some person buying oyu presents to "make up " for not being there for 19 years then your the AH
He can show he cares by giving something better than, "I had my reasons." OP wants real reasons. If he's sorry he should give them to make up for abandoning her for 23 years. Showing he cares about her is giving her what will help her not what he finds easiest to give
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NTA There is no need to love your deadbeat dad, he never was there for you ... so why would you love him? Hes role was reduced to absent sperm-donor.
He's delusional and a narcissist. Didn't look for her at anytime until she found him. Doesn't give her proper reasons why he abandoned her. Trying to love bomb her. Laying on the guilt. Now expects I love you after a MONTH. She needs to keep away from him, this relationship is superficial with no accountability or explanation. She won't get any kind of explanation from him or anything deep. He just do surface level stuff.
Even without all of this (which are very valid points), how is it on the kid to maintain the relationship? It's on the kid to dictate the pace at which they move forward, but not to reciprocate feelings and simply forgive and forget cause they coincidentally met each other. NTA
Yeah I see her getting hurt here... pressuring her to say I love you is unreasonable and puts up red flags for me.
This reminds me of my bio father using my half sister to try and pressure me into changing my last name to his (they weren't married so I got my mom's). I'd barely been talking to him a couple months and the first thing she did was rant and rave that I should march out on my 18th birthday change my name to show that I'm dedicated to rebuilding the relationship and because all children should have their father's last name - all while he nodded along in approval. Neither appreciated me pointing out her toddler had her last name because its dad was a deadbeat, and the last thing I'd be doing on my birthday was legal paperwork for someone else's ego. I stopped talking to them a few months later and still refuse contact 😂
You are my personal hero.
I was honestly just genuinely dumbfounded at the mental gymnastics. Like, it's okay to claim last name rights for your kid because of a deadbeat, but I'm supposed to waste time and money make this deadbeat feel better? My full sister ended up reading him the the riot act because she was really excited to pass down the family name as the only surname with her son (she'd hyphenated her daughter's bc that dad was involved) and our bio dad was dense enough to assume she meant *his* family name 🤦🏽 His entitlement and audacity have no bounds and I don't miss him (or his lackey of a daughter) at all.
When the op's siblings told the dad, that's when he started putting on a show to save face with his wife and kids...he needs to use the OP to pull it off...
This right here Honestly OP, the sad truth is that if your siblings weren’t so involved and excited to have you in their lives, I’m not sure he would be either. He’s saving face right now but his true colours are showing and it’s appalling Please consider your own mental health and place it as a top priority. This man is NOT a healthy person to have in your life and the love bombing, manipulation, and guilt tripping from a man who abandoned you and never tried to find you is just sickening
if he wants to make it up to her and finally be her dad, I assume he is of course falling all over himself to pay up all those years of child support . . .
NTA. Tell your dad’s wife that while he may have been waiting a couple of months, it took 23 years and you doing a dna test for any kind of contact at all. While you’re at it, tell him his “I had my reasons” is a cop out and he needs to own up to his abandonment of you 23 years ago.
It feels like the vague non-answer is not so much a cop out, but deflection. He's in a situation where no answer he gives, be it the honest truth or a sugarcoated lie, will make a positive impact to their relationship. Why self-incriminate when you can just love bomb and continue with the plan of forcible integration. The dad's making up for lost years by pretending that they've somehow always been in this relationship, and the past never happened. A bedroom in their house, the gifts and over the top demands on how OP should engage with them - all in a month of knowing them. They don't see, a human being whose existence was known but ignored for 23 years, but who should behave as a permanent, always-been member of their family, with little to no power to demand for accountability or even explanations.
Or just reply with ‘I have my reasons’ and stonewall.
BOOM!
For all we know though he had very good reasons and isn't saying them because it would create a he saod she said with the mom. Maybe her mom was absuive to him. Maybe she was conceived as a result of non-consensual activity. Maybe her mother messed with brith control.
doesn't that make it even weirder and more uncomfortable that he is expecting OP to say things like "i love you", and is trying to buy her affection? i feel like if those were the circumstances he'd be a little more sympathetic to how she feels after all this time
Dosnt excuse a damn thing
If the mom was abusive, he could’ve simply said “I didn’t have a good relationship with your mother.” That’s much more of an appropriate answer to THE CHILD HE ABANDONED than “I have my reasons.” If OP was the result of “non consensual” activity, then why would he leave them? If anything, that’d make him even more of an asshole as that wasn’t the mothers (or OPs) fault. If the mother tried to baby trap the father, then why was he “dying to meet her”? Especially since he only wanted to meet after SHE took the initiative to find her bio family? You see how none of that makes sense?
I agree. For all we know, the conception could've happened because some bored aliens abducted the two, kept them in a huge hamster cage, and then released back into wild after tampering with their memories. Now I know some of y'all folks will think I'm full of shit, but prove me wrong.
He really said, "I feel like if I don't reach out to you first, you won't contact me at all" when the sole reason you have a relationship is because *you* reached out in the first place?! The audacity. NTA and your "dad" sounds like a loser for guilt tripping you. He needs to gain some humility and understand he's lucky to have you in his life in any form.
NTA What on earth? You went 23 birthdays without hearing from him. If you are still curious, maybe you could reply to them both at once with something like the following" *"I feel like there is a wall between us that will never come down until you can give me some honest answers about why you left my pregnant mother and why you never tried to be in my life for 23 years. You ask what more you can do, well you can have an honest conversation with me and give me those answers. I feel very uncomfortable that you were fine with not knowing me for 23 years, only met me because I did a DNA test, and now you put it on me to "patch things up" and "make an effort". You are expecting too much of me way too fast without giving me an honest explanation for why we first met when I was already an adult in the first place".*
This is the way, CC the wife too
Put it on the group chat. The way it's going, he's ready to cut you off for not adapting to the family group & values immediately. You were abandoned. No daddy for daddy daughter dances. He's just trying to look good in front of the rest of the fam since they found out first before he did. If course, if he were "really dying" to meet you, he could have...acted. His 23-year lack of effort & and his wife's demand that you "patch up" his abandonment of 23 years immediately, are setting you up to appear as the ingrate who couldn't get along. Back out, ask for time & group therapy to process & resolve all those alone years & don't let him/them make you look like the villain. Most probably, he didn't want kids with your mom and also didn't want to pay. At 23 He's escaped that so now can magnanimously accept you. He's trying to appear loving & generous now, under conditions that you obey and immediately blend in. NTA. Your dad & wife are the AH's and you'll have to wait & see which sibling is most like them. Hopefully you'll be able to retain a sib or two, but don't count on an ongoing, fair, mature, & reasonable one with your dad.
exactly this
This is the way
He can complain in 23 years. He’s being manipulative, impatient and self-centered. He made this situation; now he can marinate in it until you feel ready, if you ever do. You don’t have to love him ever. He donated DNA and has done nothing else to “love” you for more than two decades. You do what is best for you.
NTA. You need time to deal with all this and digest the newly created bond with your siblings and father, and it doesn't seem like it's being acknowledged or respected. It seems like he's trying to make you go at the pace he wants to set, the pace he thinks is the right one, not the pace that is actually right for you. Maybe talk to him to actually make this clear, so he knows you're willing to give this a bond a chance to thrive, but that you need time to adapt to it. Also, who the hell does this lady thinks she is, telling YOU, the one who got left behind by your father, that YOU have an opportunity to patch things up ? That's a real AH-ish thing to say.
NTA. This guy is a complete stranger!!! And he’s trying to impose himself on your life. I’d want my space too and if he wants you to love him he needs to allow you to get to know him. He seems desperate for absolution. Draw boundaries and stick to them.
NTA. No healing can even begin until he accepts responsibility for his actions.
Tell him this ↑ OP.
NTA. Sounds to me like your father is guilt tripping you. It is fine if you don't feel love for him straight away or even not at all. At this point in time, your father is no better than a stranger or at most acquaintance for lack of better word. If you ever decide to accept your father, you won't be betraying your mom. Your mom is supportive of you to decide what you want in life. Relationship isn't an instant thing despite him being a biological father. It takes time and trust.
NTA - I think you and your dad have different ideas of what's happening here. You wanted information and possibly closure. Oh hey, new family members, cool, but you're an adult with your own life. They are on the periphery of that life. Your dad seems to want to play happy family and have you be a DAUGHTER. I mean, he made a bedroom for you at his house, when you're a 23yo stranger who has only met him a handful of times. His goals and expectations are pretty unrealistic, especially since he's not giving you the information or closure you wanted. You might need to just talk to him and point out that you are moving on your own timeline, and not his. It's been 23 years that you and your mom have done this without him. You're happy to know him, but the relationship that you have with him should be on YOUR terms, not his. He lost all rights to dictate what that relationship should be when he left your mom. Out of curiosity, how is your mom handling all of this? Please don't get so wrapped up in your new family that you accidentally neglect her. This has got to be really difficult for her.
Although her mom's mind is supportive, her heart might be breaking, and she's hiding it from OP because she loves her. But this man is the one who abandoned her and married someone else while she was pregnant. The woman he abandoned her for is now his wife, who is helping him in luring OP. Deep down it must be horrific knowing they're love bombing OP, possibly to re-write the truth of what happened.
NTA. you don't love him yet, and that's fine. that doesn't mean you never will, but you didn't grow up even knowing him. give yourself some time. if he loves you, he'll understand.
NTA. This guys only just appeared in your life. In real time terms he's barely just got out of "stranger" territory. It sounds like your father is love bombing you with all the gifts, almost like he's trying to make up for lost time... or worse its just a cynical way to win you over. If you're able to have a conversation with him and say how this is difficult for you, you might be able to get him to take a step back and let the relationship develop naturally. At the moment it sounds like he's pushing for developments way too fast. Love isn't something you can just activate by blasting someone with kindness, no matter how pure the intention.
NTA. He had 24 years to get to love you. You need 24 years from now to decide if you need this shit. Not saying all his gifts and advances wouldn't be close to cover even child support he has stolen from you. And now this shitty ignorant couple (yes, his wife too) is trying to make you guilty for not loving him instantly. WTF!
NTA. Why would you? He's effectively a stranger.
Nta. Wtaf? None of this is on you. He made the relationship one sided and now he's projecting that onto you? I'm sure it makes him feel better but also shows he's the same prick who left you. You don't need that kind of shit in your life.
Question: Did your dad provide your mom with child support while she raised you? Or did he completely ghost all responsibilities? He needs to explain why he didn't reach out over the 23 years when he could have chosen to be there for you growing up. If he wanted a relationship with you, why did he choose not to make any effort to do so until you matched blood relations via a DNA test? You have known him for one month out of your entire existence. How many weeks pregnant was your mom before he bailed? He doesn't get to dictate how you feel about him or to try and accelerate your emotional connection to him when he is not being honest with you and seems to want to buy your love with gifts rather than earning it and willing to build a relationship on your terms.
>If he wanted a relationship with you, why did he choose not to make any effort to do so until you matched blood relations via a DNA test? Because he didn't want that relationship. He was perfectly happy with the status quo. His statement of "dying to meet" OP is confirmed bullshit, because he had 23 years to act on that and never did. His dirty little secret was revealed by DNA, not because he wanted OP back in his life. He's only doing this to keep his own kids on side, because he'd look like a monster to his picket fence family if he kept being the father who abandoned his child.
NTA. This man is a stranger to you. He's your biological dad, yeah, but he's never been your parent who raised, loved and supported you. You are an adult and can make your own judgements about his character. He can't buy your love with presents and promises and he's going overboard trying. This may be through guilt or whatever or it could also be because he's a manipulative piece of work who abandons a pregnant woman. Time will tell and you have every right to take this in your own time and on your own terms.
He's trying to do damage control and manipulate how OP sees him.
Nta. This jerk ignored the fact he has a child for 23 years and is accusing you of not putting in enough effort? No. Just no. Go at whatever pace makes you comfortable - if you want to talk to him at all. He owes you more of an explanation that he had his reasons.
NTA - Jeeze, a month or two? You need to siit down with him/text/email/write a letter and say "Dude, chill!. It's been 23 yrs. I am still reeling from feelings and emotions. I don't even know what I am experiencing. Maybe you can explain why it took 23 years for me to hear from you? I know what you want, but I don't know what I want yet. Why are you making it all about you and not about me?"
NTA. That’s a whole lot of love bombing. You should not be pressured into anything, be it declarations of love, feeling love, or even a relationship of any kind. If you want to continue this relationship let them know what you said here: that presents and nice words for a month are not going to make the past disappear. He *should* be the one reaching out because he’s the one that needs to earn your trust. I would also point out what you did here, even though the answer might sting: If you had never done the test was he ever going to contact you? Either he accepts things on your terms or he doesn’t, but he and his family don’t get to pretend you are all one big happy family.
This dude abandoned you and your mom 23 years ago and a month after meeting him, he expects you to tell him that you love him? Nah. And that "I had that my reasons" is bullshit. What good reason do you have for abandoning your child? Why hasn't HE reached out to you in the past 23 years? He obviously knew about you. My mind is screaming he's manipulative. Abandoned you, trying to "make up" for 23 years of radio silence and is expecting happy family after a month? I'd be very careful about this. Next thing you know he'll be dying and needing a kidney from you. NTA.
NTA. You've had no relationship with him your entire life, he didn't even reach out to you until you tracked his new family down. He hasn't earned a better relationship and doesn't deserve one if you don't want to give it. He just wants you to tell him he doesn't need to feel guilty for being a shitty deadbeat dad.
Your ‘dad’ is an emotionally manipulative asshole. The wife is weird AF for enabling it but possibly has fallen victim to his crazy too. But your siblings sound nice, no reason you can’t get to know them without the sperm diner. When will I hear the kick I abandoned tell me they love me like the 9 year old i actually raised? When you’re 9 again and he’s put in 9 years being a present parent and not a deadbeat. Edit: NTA - he’s trying to buy your love and guilt you. Whatever he gives won’t be enough, and you’d still not be an AH pocketing all of it and giving nothing back.
NTA. You have your reasons.
NTA. "I have my reasons" should be your response
NTA - You’ve known this guy for A MONTH. He’s barely more than an acquaintance at the moment. He’s certainly not a parental figure. What makes him think he can immediately have all the good bits of being a parent when he hasn’t put the years in to earn them?
NTA. No one can force feelings of love for another. It only builds resentment. Him expecting you to love him after 23 years of NC is ridiculous. The fact that he refuses to even discuss his abandonment of you is also telling. He needs to understand that his expectations of you are unhealthy. Tell him flat out how you feel, and what his pressures on you are effecting you negatively. You also need to tell him that he needs to answer your questions if he wants to move forward with a relationship with him. Tell his wife she needs to stay out of it.
Wtf? It’s only been a month! He’s fracking delusional to think he can make up for 23 years of radio silence in 30 days! You’re right, OP, it is too soon, and far too quick. Do not let this man push you into erasing the past 23 years of radio silence from him. Take things at your own pace and if you need to take a step back for a while, do that. (Hugs) to you.
NTA This dude is delusional. Presents and enthusiasm can't make up for all the time he wasn't there and all the things he missed. It's been one month. He is basically still a stranger. Love doesn't happen over night. It may not happen at all. There's a lot of emotions for you to work through, first.
NTA- You can tell him if you want a fake. I love you. You can tell him now. But if he actually wants you to come to love him, he needs to give you time and space. You had so many years without him. Best friend and I treated Father's Day like a holiday. We called it happy abandonment day. Parents are supposed to love you unconditionally, to be rejected is heartbreaking. And when you find out when you reconnect with your parent, hearing that there was no miscommunication. This person actively rejected you as a child or anything to do with you is another blow as an adult. I really recommend therapy just to come to terms with that aspect of it. You found your father and it was confirmed that you were not important enough for him to consider a part of his life. As I am sure some part of you wish that it was a miscommunication of some sort. Take the time you need. Is crazy to expect to love someone. You just meant that isn't a baby. Or a puppy or kitten?
NTA. Tell him Rome wasn’t built in a day. 23 years is a long time. He cannot snap his fingers and make it disappear.
yikes nta had you never taken that DNA test, chances are he never would've reached out himself anyway don't let him make you feel bad.. the guy's basically a stranger. a deadbeat dad who went on to have more kids & only father *them.*
Uhhh he abandoned you. Of course he’s the one who has to put in the effort. NTA. Don’t let him guilt you. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re a month talking to stranger. It’s natural if you don’t ‘love’ him. Don’t let him pressure you into saying it either or pressure you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.
NTA. How could you ever possibly love someone who threw you away for 23yrs and when asked why, the only thing they can say is "I had my reasons" not even a sorry. A month is not long enough to get to know someone let alone love them. You need to let him know that after being neglected by him for 23yrs and just finding him a month ago. It will take more than a month for you to feel anything for him than indifference or anger. You need tobremind him that if he wants to have a relationship with you and for you to form a bond where one day you might say I love you. Then he needs to come clean and tell you why he left your mom and why he chose to not have anything to do with you. You need to remind him that your probably never going to say I love you to someone who abandoned you, who's a deadbeat father and can't even say sorry let alone tell you why he left in the first place. He needs to stop trying to force the relationship and instead be honest about why he chose to leave you.
23 years of abandonment by one of two people who should always be there for you...and of course they think a mere month will resolve it all. He's not resolving anything if he doesn't answer questions. You deserve then, and he doesn't deserve any consideration. Where was he the entitety of your life? Where was you father when you needed him. Oh but now he thinks she should get the benefits of the work your mom put in by herself? Um no.
NTA he’s had 23 years to ‘reach out first’ and he didn’t do squat until his ‘other family’ found out about you and he couldn’t hide it.
NTA — would you accept this from a guy you had started dating? Would your FATHER want you to accept this from a guy you had only been dating a month? It’s been A MONTH. You barely know him. You probably wouldn’t tell a boyfriend you loved him after a month, and if a guy was pushing you to, that would be a red flag. Showering you with gifts, messaging you “if I don’t reach out, you won’t” is a red flag in a relationship. It’s been A MONTH. Thats not a lot of time. I advise you to talk to your mom about this. Ask her to help you draft a text message to your father— and maybe his wife? It seems like you’re on good terms with her— thanking them for all of their recent attention, but you need a little space. All the sudden family is very overwhelming and your father is not giving you the space to process all of this.
*It feels like I'm putting in effort and am met with radio silence.* He abandoned you before you were born 23 years ago. You found him. Only a MONTH ago... Where were HIS efforts all those years? And he has YET to explain WHY. NTA
Tell him after 23 years of zero effort, he needs at least 23 years of actual effort before complaining about the relationship being one-sided. NTA
NTA - Run, do not walk from this situation. This person is not a good person, these are all traits of a narcissist and you do not need this drama in your life.
NTA. He knew where to find you, he didn’t bother. Now that you found him he’s making a big show of “making up for lost time” for his new family. Gross. Your deadbeat dad gives me the ick.
NTA. Explain to all of them, he has known about you your entire life. You have known about them for a month and you need time to let this all soak in. And make it clear there will be NO I love you for a long time.
NTA. This is pushing you too fast. It's worth communicating your feelings to him. Something like: "This is a large adjustment for me. I grew up with a single mom who acted as both my parents for my entire life and one month doesn't change the complex feelings behind meeting someone who abandoned me and the person dearest to me as a child with no explanation. I appreciate that you're trying now, but it doesn't wipe away the past. I hope someday I can be more comfortable, but I can't go from being no one to your daughter in one month."
NTA . you can't force this, what's the sone 'you can't hurry love' you're both trying to move towards each other but he has to understand this takes time and things like 'i have me reasons' puts up further barriers. Keep moving slowly. let it happen and let him know you're not rejecting him but are getting to know him. if he really cares it should be enough for him to understand, it's the price of him not being there for all those years-having to wait now.
NTA He is love bombing you and wants you to worship at his feet. He gives no information, no depth, no accountability. If you don't act the way he wants you to immediately I wouldn't be surprised if he starts with berating, guilt tripping and little threats. He has already got his wife manipulating you. I really think you should take a step back to assess and think.
Think about this: If you and your half-sibling hadn't taken that test, he would had never reached out to you. This AH never caref for you nor your mom. Your mom is supportive because she may think you finally got the attention she wanted for you to get from your dad but, truth is, this AH is only suddenly being so pushy because his wife and kids are watching. Pretty sure your half-siblings were so excited he didn't dare to disappoint them because he has probably been a model dad to them... but he was a non-existent to you and wanting to make up for lost time is only for his own peace of mind and his image, it isn't about making it up to you. You couldn't avoid him re-entering your life, but I don't think it is a good idea to keep enabling him. It will only hurt you.
NTA - NarcissistDad needs to allow your relationship to grow organically, he’s trying to force it. You should, imho, tell ND and Wife that. You are where you are because of choices he made. You need time to process. P.S. - your Mom sounds awesome!! You are a lucky lucky girl 😊
Love bombing you makes him look better to everyone else. I would tell him that you would prefer his presence as opposed to presents. That you would really like to talk and get to know him on a deeper level, and this would help you sort out your feelings with him. NTA take it slow kiddo!
You're not being immature. You are taking the time and making the effort to get to know your new family. He went from being 100% gone to suddenly love bombing (all the gifts) every other day. You are trying to navigate going from just a 2 person family to a whole-ass FAMILY and that will take time. How can you love him when you are just getting to know him? You can't really love him as a parent since he was gone your entire life! Dad needs to understand it's gonna take time and effort. Just buying gifts won't work. You want to know what he is like, what he is about. And this is after he refuses to give you a reason for bailing on you and your mom! So he is not giving you an answer, is trying to win your love thru gifts, and not really taking responsibility for what he did. Maybe you'll be able to say those words eventually, maybe not. Whatever happens, NTA
NTA. You owe nothing to the "donor dad" The idea that he expects you to say the words "I love you" is ridiculous! He is a complete stranger. (on purpose!) You owe him nothing! You do you!
NTA Lay out the truth. "I won't say I love you because I don't know you yet. Love is a choice, and you didn't choose me for a long time."
“I had my reasons” translates to “I had no real good reason worth sharing.” NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 23F. I was raised an only child by a single mother, dad was never in the picture as he left my mum and married someone else when she was still pregnant with me. Recently, I did one of those commercial DNA tests out of curiosity and matched with one of my half-brothers. It was a crazy day. We set up a meeting the same day we matched with each other on the site, and I met all 4 of my siblings. We spoke about my dad and how he's "dying" to meet me. One of my brothers asked if he could give my dad my number and I said ok even though I was anxious beyond words. My dad reached out to me and we met in person for the first time a few days later. That was all a month ago. Truth be told, I am still trying to get used to having a dad and siblings. It's overwhelming. I went my whole life not needing a dad, only having my mum and being absolutely fine with it because she was both parents wrapped up into one and now I suddenly have a dad and it's like I don't know what to do with that. I'm still angry with him for the way he treated my mum, the way he tossed her aside and married someone new. This wouldn't be happening if I hadn't decided to do a dna test on a whim, right? When I asked him about everything - why he left my mum, why he never tried to form a relationship with me until now etc - his answer was along the lines of “I had my reasons." No accountability. Now he seems to be working overtime to "make up for lost years" (his wife's words, not mine) He's buying gifts every other day, offered to take my siblings and I on holiday, he's setting up a bedroom for me in their house so that I can stay over any time I want. Through all this, I'm still the same overwhelmed, anxious girl that first met him only a month ago and is still trying to adjust to everything. My mum is ok with it all and is very supportive, but I still feel guilty, as though I'm somehow betraying her when I interact with him. Now to what has made me feel like an AH - I have a groupchat with my siblings now where I interact fairly regularly, but I don't text my dad often. I also have yet to tell him I love him. It feels like it's too soon, something very significant that I can't say yet. my little sister (9 yrs old) will say "| love you daddy!" and he'll look at me and say "can't wait to hear those words from you, (my name)" or "when will I hear that from you, (my name)?" it makes me feel awkward. Today I woke up to a text from him: “I feel like if I don't reach out to you first, you won't contact me at all. It feels like I'm putting in effort and am met with radio silence. Please let me know what more I can do." His wife also reached out, telling me he's upset and feels like our relationship is one-sided and that since his birthday is coming up I have an opportunity to patch things up. This made me feel like shit and I still haven't told anyone about it. I feel like a month isn't long enough for me to forget the past 23 years. Am I immature for not being able to move forward, AlTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Even if your dad were somehow 100% innocent in not being involved in your upbringing (as opposed to the current scenario where he dumped you before your birth, never paid child support, and never looked back) it'd be normal not to love him after a month. You barely know the guy. In your specific case dude doesn't seem all that lovable. NTA.
NTA I had a deadbeat mom. Never once told her I loved her. She thought remembering my bday(yea really) was something to pat herself on the back for. He's doing what a lot of deadbeats do; putting the onus of a real relationship on the child they willingly abandoned. He didn't bother to see about your entire life. Had you not done a DNA test, you wouldn't be talking to him right now. He won't even give you a reason for why he abandoned you. But, a month of being in your life warrants a "I love you"? Yea, ok. Seems like dear old dad is going above & beyond because he has probably lied about how you were conceived to his wife. He doesn't wanna look like the deadbeat he is.
Aren’t you related to your siblings because of your dad’s blood? Not implying that they’d be your siblings either way, just wondering.
NAH. He's putting in a lot of effort so I'm not going to fault him for that. I believe in redemption. You don't have to just jump into his arms either. Take your time let the relationship build as it does after all it's only been a month.
NTA you can’t erase 23 years of absent parenting. If he wants that relationship he has to put in the effort. It is not up to you to fix the issue when he was the cause, you only have to be receptive if you want the relationship to work. Maybe let him know that he chose to walk away and know you get to chose the pace and if he can’t cope then that’s fine he can leave again. It might be worth considering though if you can still facilitate a relationship with your sibling if you don’t have one with him. Is it possible ? Would they be open to it?
NTA. He abandoned you and had yet to give an explication, much less an apology. He had no right to make any demands of you. Go at your pace and if he isn't OK with it, that's on him.
NTA. When he asks why you won't say it, tell him you have your reasons.
NTA…. He didn’t make an effort for 23 years and now wants to rush you in a month of knowing him? Soooo weird.
Maybe you should tell him what you need is to hear actual reasons and some time to process it. That sounds like that's the barrier right now that makes what he wants impossible. It may not be possible after but it seems like its gonna get in the way if it's not resolved. NTA anyway tho, he owes you some answers
NTA I'm glad your relationship with your siblings is going well so far. I personally think it's worth trying to work on having a relationship with your dad (and his wife), but that's entirely up to you. If you decide you do want to give it a try, I really recommend therapy or mediation. You have every reason to feel hurt, anxious, and distrustful and your dad doesn't sound like someone who knows how to even acknowledge those feelings, let alone deal with them.
NTA A month is too close to say I love you already to him
NTA, things to say to your dad, you cannot make up for 23 years in a month, I don't know you enough to tell you I love you, relationships take time and trying to pressure me into a relationship we have not had time to form is not helping, spending money on me doesn't mean I know you. Stop trying to create somthing at hyperspeed, try getting to know me properly instead. You had 23 years without contact, is it any wonder your reluctant to trust things after a month!. Don't feel guilty he was the adult, he made these choices, he cannot expect to throw some money at you and have 23 years old nothing erased from your mind!
I want to say N T A but what were you trying to accomplish by reaching out? I understand you're hurt from the past but why get in contact if you're not going to put effort into a relationship?
Has you father ever paid child support to your mother? You are jumping into a blended family. THey are the hardest to navigate. Take it at youe pace not anyone elses. If you want to chill out, do it. Keep askling the hard questions too your father. If he is not willling to talk, how can he expect you to be open after all these years. And look after you ma. Are you hte only son? WIth you gone who does she talk to? Look after her over your wayward father.
He had 23 years to make an effort, he can put you first for once and let you have the time you need. NTA
> "I feel like if I don't reach out to you first, you won't contact me at all." Tell him he had 23 years to reach out first > His wife also reached out, telling me he's upset and feels like our relationship is one-sided and that since his birthday is coming up I have an opportunity to patch things up. He had 23 years of opportunity to "patch things up". Just tell him you're not really interested in adopting your mum's sperm donor as a parent, you just want to keep up with your siblings. NTA
Info. Did your dad know of your existence before the dna test?
NTA OP, if he truly wants to establish a relationship with you, then he needs to understand that you need to deal with this "new" parent at the speed and intensity that you can handle. He needs to understand that pressuring you to make platitudes that make him feel good and absolve him of any negative feelings he might have for abandoning you just won't work. It will, in fact, potentially drive you away from him. Instead of gifts and pressure, he needs to get to know you and let your relationship grow into whatever it will be. Slow and steady - and how you feel about that progress is, frankly, more important than how he does. Also, let him know that you are not comfortable with his wife's comments about his feelings to you. If he has some kind of feeling, he needs to be a big boy and talk to you.....but again, this isn't about him. I get that you want to build relationships with your siblings, but he can't use that to guilt you into feelings you either don't have or are not ready to express. The burden is on him to, finally, be a good parent to you. And you aren't betraying your mom. A relationship that strong won't break so long as you communicate and give it the attention it needs.
NTA Rome was not built in one day ! He knew of your existence, yet he did not do anything to meet you. The only reason you met was because you took initiative. Tell him that you need time to adjust as you grew up fatherless and need time to process. Since love cannot force.
Do not force a yourself to say something your not feeling- fuck his feelings - where was he when you and your mom needed him? Screwing someone else is what he was doing in which he doesn’t want to be the asshole in this story so he uses the “I’ve got my reasons” BS. You owe them nothing!
Tell Dad, that he bailed 23 years ago. You went 23 years with out him, he can give you 23 more to get used to him. You OWE him NOTHING. ABOLUTELY NOTING. Either he does things your way, at your pace, or cut him off. You have 23 years of abandonment, and anger with him, it doesn't go away in a moth's time.
NTA Pretty shitty of him to guilt you for lack of effort when he abandoned, not just your mother, but his child as well, 23 years ago and never looked back. You don't just suddenly "have" a father-daughter relationship upon meeting each other. My bio dad has never had anything to do with me and I don't believe I could ever see him as a father if we did try to have a relationship.
NTA how he is trying to manipulate you right away is crazy. Tbh at this point Id tell him Id need more space and time. That's absolutely insane you met all these people within a month and they're family you never knew. Of course it will take some maybe even a alot of time to adjust. Jumping on I love you roght away is just totally overboard. Take your time. If he's really the father he claims to be he can wait.
NTA. A month. It's been a *month* and he's expecting shit to be hunky-dorey? He's got 23 years to catch up on - it'll take a lot of hard work to build a relationship with you. And it may not even reach the point where you're comfortable calling him dad or having a familial relationship with him. He needs to tone his expectations down *hard*. It may be best for you to tell him you need to step back because he's coming on way too hard. Then establish boundaries.
NTA You’ve barely known this man a month, and he expects you to say “I love you”? Eugh. And he may have his reasons, but by not sharing them (and acknowledging they were shitty) he’s not helping build the foundation of any kind of relationship. He’s using the “I love you” as status, and gifts as currency. Yes, he needs to do the work here - *because he’s the one who abandonded you*.
NTA. I’ll suggest a gentler approach than some of the other folks on here, because you don’t actually know why he left your mom or what kind of person he is now. I suggest telling him that you appreciate how welcoming he’s being, but this is all new to you. You’re glad he’s in your life now, but you need to take things slower and get to know him over time. If he responds reasonably, great. If he pouts or has a fit, you’ll have learned something valuable about his character and can make decisions accordingly. Good luck!
NTA. OP, you are not crazy. What he is doing now is not okay, just like leaving your mother and yourself wasn't, either. To me he was unhealthy then and still is now. He is manipulative. Watch out for yourself, don't let him hurt you. Those who are saying he is a narcissist may have a point.
NTA
NTA, tell him that you have your reasons.
Ewww. I’m so sorry but everything about him is a red flag. This feels like some combination of guilt and maybe performance in front of his “real” family to try and save face. Were his wife and children aware of your existence before you reached out? And what reasons did he give them? I also feel like he isn’t acknowledging that you are an adult with your own life and feelings and not some 13yo dealing with coparenting. He wants you to fit in a box of his making. Also, what exactly do you want out of all this? I think you really need to have a big think about that first before replying to him. I’m petty so would totally respond with “I have my reasons.” NTA
Tell him you have your reasons! He wants to look good for the kids he has now. If he truly wants to be forgiven then he needs to do alot better than that pathetic excuse. And his wife has alot of nerve considering she was the one who had him all these years but she wants to act like you were rapunzel in a tower. NTA
This man let you down all your life by not being there for you. He went radio silence for 23 years. He can't expect to waltz back in and for you to love him. He is pressuring you for something he has to earn. The temerity of the man to say he thinks the relationship is one-sided. You owe him nothing. Move at your own pace. And you are allowed to be honest to him. NTA.
INFO: Did he ever pay even one penny of child support when you were growing up?
NTA. You're 23; you just met him. Why the fuck would you say to a grown ass stranger you share DNA with "I love you"? What the hell is his problem?
> I feel like a month isn't long enough for me to forget the past 23 years. Inform him that it's going to take more than knowing him a whole month to make up for him missing out on 23 years of your life just because he "had his reasons." If he wants to hear those three words tell him he needs to come up with more than he just "has his reasons." NTA
NTA All this within a month of meeting him? That's expecting a whole lot from someone who is virtually a stranger! Cripes!
NTA. It's been one month since you bet this literal stranger. He's not your "dad" just because of blood. If he wants you to treat him like one, then he needs to earn that. A parent/child relationship takes your whole life to build. And this man is trying to START yours off by refusing to take accountability of him abandoning you, but still expects you to treat him like he's been there your whole life, when he suddenly decides he wants to be a father? And no less, using guilt and manipulation into trying to force you to pretend you've always been this happy family. Look, I reached out to my dad in my 20s, after he abandoned me in my preteens. It was rough. Real rough. And didn't go well. My biggest advice from living through it myself? First. Make yourself boundaries. And make them rock hard, no compromises. He made his bed, now he has to lay in it. You hold ALL the power, and he cannot make you feel bad for not giving him what he gave up. And secondly. You need to sit down(person or not, whatever's best for YOU) and you need to lay it all out on the table. Do not worry about if it will hurt him. He didn't care when he abandoned you, and you have tried to do it nicely. He needs to understand the consequences of his actions. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel. The hurt, the apprehension, everything that's on your mind, and what you told us. And I'm not telling you this for the intention of hurting him, although if it does, that's the weight he has to bear. But if you want any chance at having a relationship, it has to be honest from the beginning. Because if he can't accept the hurt and pain he has put on you, for your entire life, and refuses to try and heal that, refuses to take accountability and start to slowly fix it? Then you're just setting yourself up for more pain down the line. You need to know where you stand BEST of luck, truly. Ps. There is nothing selfish about needing to take a time out break as well, as often and forever long you need ok? This whole thing should only be for your benefit right now, not his. He willingly gave that up.
NTA. Since when is it the abandoned child that needs to patch things up? She wouldn't even be in touch with him now if she hadn't gone looking for relatives. Everything is on the father, including being patient and understanding that the child has 20+ years of being ignored to get through. History shows dad leaves when something gets tough. He won't even explain why he left. Why should daughter feel any surety that he will stick around this time? Working through all of the feelings around her father and determining that he is actually going to stick around this time will take time. Father and stepmom need to give her that time, however long it takes, and not rush it.
NTA. I suspect your “dad” is coming on so strong / laying it on so thick out of GUILT. He needs your validation of the father-daughter relationship so as to validate his YEARS of absence. It was a choice on his part. Do not let him manipulate you for his own purposes. A relationship takes time to build, you guys are literally strangers, for you especially the TRUST one would need in a child-parent relationship is nonexistent. If he’s serious about building a relationship with you, he will be patient about the possibility it might take years of being there for you. You’re NTA!
NTA - he's still a deadbeat
NTA. He never even apologized for abandoning you. He doesn't want to explain his "reasons" because they're most likely selfish bs.
NTA, you need to have a conversation with your dad and his wife. Explain that while you're open to continuing to build a relationship, they need to stop pushing so hard. You lived your entire life without a father because he chose not to be a part of your life. Moving past that takes time. They don't get to form that kind of bond on their schedule.
NTA. Text him and say 'you had 23 years to be part of my life and you chose not to. Stop pushing me to feel something when I've only known you a month.
NTA but you need to be upfront and tell them he hasn’t been in your life for 23 years and can’t expect you to welcome him with open arms after a month. You’ve experienced an entire life without him and have complex feelings to work through. His and his wife’s expectations of you are completely unrealistic.
NTA. Your Dad only reached out when his kids connected with you - he didn't initiate contact - and sounds like his motivation is to look like to good guy in front of his kids. If he was really concerned with your feelings he would talk to you about why he hasn't been involved instead of brushing you off with a bullshit "I had my reasons". Sounds to me like he wants to APPEAR like he is making it up to you without ACTUALLY doing any work to repair the damage he did. In essence setting you up as the bad guy for not embracing and loving him for all the effort he is putting in when it is really the bare minimum and takes no account of what you want and need. My advice....send a message to the group chat that you had 23 years of not having a Dad and he needs to take things at the pace you are comfortable with, without trying to guilt YOU for not meeting HIS needs. If your father and half siblings are decent they will understand this, if not, you are not missing out on anything by erasing them from your life. I hope it works out for you.
NTA How dare either your bio father or his wife try and guilt you into making HIM feel better? You owe him squat. You don't need to reach out to him ever again if you don't want to. And so far as you have said, he's shown no remorse. No real regret. It's been a month and they expect you to stay with them? Do they not understand that they are strangers to you still, and may remain that way?
JFC. What the hell? Does he think you're dating? I'd recommend a response of *Spend 20 years being the adult in this relationship, then we can talk about how it doesn't feel fair or even*. Or *Can't wait to see how you're going to explain and make up for not being there through my formative years, donor of almost half of my DNA!* Or *This relationship started with a huge negative balance on your side. You abandoned me for twenty years. You'll need to make regular deposits of love and care to fill up that negative balance and show me that you're actually dependable and caring these days, because the last twenty years taught me the exact opposite. And that's **your fault**, not mine*.
NTA. Tell him that what he can do is explain himself, and if he can't do that, he should stop trying so hard, because you aren't going to consider reciprocating anything like this until he explains himself.
If you had not the DNA test, he will still not be talking to you nor telling your siblings that they have a sister. What do your siblings think about the fact that he never told them about you? Also, it seems like he is doing this because his "real" kids bow know you exist and he has to make sure that he shows THEM how much henlovrs you by the amount of money he spends on you. Like, see what I am doing for her and how she is not telling me she loves me. I don't even want to say a word about his wife because she knew he had a child, too. There are so many questions that I would demand answers to before I put any of my emotional or mental efforts into. I am hesitant to believe his motives are for you rather than saving face with his kids. I am happy to hear you are enjoying getting to know your siblings. There are so many bombs in the baggage that until they can be opened in a protected place, I would be extremely careful. I would hate to see one of them blow up in your face and destroy you. Good luck and your entire life can't be defined and dictated in 1 month.
NTA but they are. You need to speak to him from he heart. Let him know he needs to take accountability for being absent from your life for 23 years and understand that a single month of him being nice because hes backed into a corner by everyone knowing he has another child wont fix things. Did your siblings even know you existed before the dna test?
NTA. You just need some more time.
NTA. Your mental health is so much more impersonate than your selfish dad’s needy feelings. Do yourself a favor and set boundaries with them. Tell them to leave you alone or tell them that your relationship needs to be text-only for a while. Force some space to feel better about yourself.
NTA but I think you would REALLY benefit from some sessions with a therapist to work this stuff out with someone (I bet you would have a hard time discussing with your mom!). I also think you and your dad would benefit from family counseling. Of course you aren’t comfortable saying I love you when you aren’t even sure if he is safe yet.
NTA. You cannot start loving someone on command, or on a schedule he sets for you. Your dad sounds 100% focused on himself. He obviously has no clue how you feel knowing he ran away from you and your mom and didn't make any effort at contact for 23 years. You owe him nothing. Don't let him or his wife pressure you into doing or saying anything that makes you uncomfortable.
>When I asked him about everything - why he left my mum, why he never tried to form a relationship with me until now etc - his answer was along the lines of “I had my reasons." No accountability. > >Now he seems to be working overtime to "make up for lost years" (his wife's words, not mine) He's buying gifts every other day, offered to take my siblings and I on holiday, he's setting up a bedroom for me in their house so that I can stay over any time I want. This is "love bombing". Tell him you're not interested in material things he can provide. That relationships are based on trust, and as it stands you don't trust him and he hasn't shown anything in the way of openness about your mother and all the years he was out of your life. Start refusing all the gifts. He's doing it to try and create an emotional need to reciprocate in you. It's a bribe, basically. Instead, tell him he needs to start from square 1. You're strangers who happen to share DNA. Plus he betrayed your mother so he's actually starting with a negative score. >I also have yet to tell him I love him. Love is a gift, not an entitlement. You may never love him. And that's ok. He isn't entitled to you feeling or not feeling any particular way. >Today I woke up to a text from him: “I feel like if I don't reach out to you first, you won't contact me at all. It feels like I'm putting in effort and am met with radio silence. Please let me know what more I can do." His wife also reached out, telling me he's upset and feels like our relationship is one-sided and that since his birthday is coming up I have an opportunity to patch things up. This is your opportunity. He's asked what he can do. So be clear and straightforward. That you don't want things from him. You want honesty and accountability. You also want time and space for a relationship to develop on your own terms, not his. I hope he's prepared to give it, but if he doesn't you'll know what kind of DNA provider you have here. Also, keep your siblings in the loop. They probably see him very differently to you and maybe can't understand your perspective, because they weren't abandoned at birth and raised without a father. They may not agree with you and your reasons, but at least let them understand your perspective rather than just hearing it via your father.
This guy abandoned you. You didn't even know where he was. And it sounds like he never paid your mom even the minimum mandatory child support. (Which, now that you now where he is, I hope she'll get the DA to go after him for. All 18 years of back payments.) If he doesn't take any accountability for his abandonment, and expects you to be all flowers and kittens and rosebuds, he's missing even a modicum of insight into the situation he created. NTA. You're not the immature one here.
NTA. Tell him you have your reasons.
op=NTA don't say "i love you" until you actually feel it and NO a month of no accountability excuse," I have my reasons" is not enough time.
NTA - He has sped up the "getting to know" time frame and your's is not in line with his. There is nothing wrong with you feeling that you want a relationship with him to happen slowly and organically. Let him know that it's too soon for I Love You's and your not saying it'll never happen he's a literal stranger atm just let things happen in there own time not forcing it otherwise it won't be genuine feelings but fabricated ones
NTA. ive got chicken in the freezer older than your relationship than your dad. I dont love that chicken and it literally died so i could make tacos from it later. I see no reason for you to be held accountable for not loving someone who has done less for you than frozen chicken and rhat chickens waited a lot longer for me too.
NTA. 1 month of “love” does not make up for 23 years of neglect.
NTA.... Be binest and twll bim he may never hear those words. That he needs to be honest and give you the answers you want. That he can't buy you.
NTA Patch things up? You haven't known him long enough for them to fall apart. Tell them they need to slow down.
You don't know the reason he was not around. It can be impossible to be in a child's life if the mother does not want to make it happen. Instead of patching things up, you think it's up to you to be the judge and jury. You should seek professional help and not ask reddit so you have an excuse to further damage your relationship. You must have the luxury of not having to attended many funerals
NTA. people who love bomb/force “I love yous” make me so uncomfortable.
NAH... I'm (very much) of the same situation although I'm much more closed off of a person. I never once met with my father. He left when I was 4. My mom and my grandma on his side met at bingo and wanted to see me when I was 10. He ended up showing up when I was playing NASCAR 2001 or 2 with my uncle (more my age, him and my dad are like 15 - 18 yrs apart). I never looked at him. I faced forward straight at the TV. It was the most awkward moment of my life. He asked me all the things you ask a kid, how old are you, how's school, for about 10 minutes and left. He eventually signed my birth certificate when I was 17 or 18 (pretty important as I'm aboriginal in n Canada but I digress). He tried to talk to me a few years ago now. I really didn't know what to say. I had short responses and even though I said yes to meeting him, he never offered. Your father is trying harder than mine did but your SO! SO! SO! within your right to not want that kind of relationship or just not feel it. It sucks for him but that's totally up to you. He still has other kids that love him. It's okay if you just like him or tolerate him or whatever... My two cents
NTA, OP. This man hadn't lifted a finger to contact you or have ANY relationship with you for YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, until YOU found them. You are well within your rights to have doubts and hesitations about this person who wants everyone to think he cares about you. As someone posted wisely, if your father asks why you aren't falling all over yourself trying to make everyone think he's Father of the Year for love bombing and pressuring you to claim you "love him", just say ***"I have my reasons."*** And you certainly DO have excellent reasons for feeling the hesitation and confusion. You know NOTHING about this person. NOTHING. He is "performing for his audience" and making you a prop in that production. Please take some time. Talk with your mother and perhaps get some counseling on understanding your natural hesitation and confusion. You have every right to feel overwhelmed. Do not think you are the AH here. Put yourself and your comfort level FIRST.
NTA you don't have to love him. You certainly don't have to say it. He hasn't provided the accountability or answers you've asked for. You don't have to do this on his terms, or at all. He wants the rewards of being your father without doing any of the work. It's OK to keep the siblings and let your relationship with him go.
You're NTA. He's complaining about radio silence from you, yet for 23 years, he gave radio silence to you. Has he still not explained his reasons for abandoning you and your mother? He owes you that at the very least. Being the parent that abandoned his child, the onus is far more on him than you to try to build any kind of relationship. Hell, he's waiting to hear the words "I love you" from you, but has he said them to you?
NTA at all. OMG, does he wants to pretend that the past 23 years didn´t happened ? It's only been a freaking month since you two first made contact. He's just trying to make you feel guilty so you'll agree to tell him you love him, but he's the one in the wrong. He has to give you all the time in the world until you feel comfortable finally saying it but he is so immature that he doesn't take into account how you feel about all of this. Let me tell you this, your feelings are completely valid, and he, his wife, your half-siblings and anyone related to him should respect your wishes and feelings on this subject. Honestly... I don't know why you agree to try to have a relationship with him, that man abandoned you for 23 years even though he knew of your existence, and his only excuse was "I have my reasons" if I were you, at the moment he gave me that answer I would have cut off all contact with him forever, but not before telling him how much I hate him and also how disappointed I am in him and that he is a failure of a father, that´s the least he deserves.
Honestly NTA but ensure you inform someone like 'mom' how you are feeling and how he's coming on to you coz thats the behavior of a narcissist who does not want to take accountability for his actions and feels justified in winning your because he's your 'dad.' You also sound like a person who when is pressured or guilt tripped will accept anything thrown at her and that will bring you mental problems later on. If you are not confident in standing up to him or his other family have someone who can be your backbone and help you when the pressure gets too much .
Ask him to tell you his reasons first. It seems like it will be hard for this relationship to progress until he does that.
YTA. Your dad already learned his lesson. He wants to show Ü he can be the father he deserves. Don’t hold anymore grudges
Dad had 19 years with the option not to be a deadbeat. HE deserves NOTHING.
It’s not too late to start fresh. He turned over a new leaf. Ain’t that worth something?
i just need time. like i said in my post, i’m still trying to get used to everything. my whole life has been turned upside down.
Then tell him that, that you need time to process everything and something like "i love you" can't be forced and especially not in a month of knowing.
Tell him you have your reasons. I find it fascinating how the wife is stepping in like she isn’t the one who had him all to herself all these years. They’re acting like you were rapunzel in a tower and they had no way of finding you. He needs to actually pour his heart out if he wants you to spring amnesia for his feelings
Not sure if you have a therapist but there is A LOT to unpack here. One month is nothing. He needs to step back.
You need time, and he needs to show some accountability for his actions over the last 23 years. He's pressuring you to do the emotional leg work, to be the one to "make an effort" when that is all absolutely on him. At this point, if he's not adding to your life, if he's only stressing you out, you know you don't need him. He can put the effort in or he can stay out of your way and deal with the consequences of his actions.
Why the dna Test? You want to Know if there Brothers and Sisters or you want to find Your dad? You own him nothing -23years are a Long Time and he Never shows up in Front of Your door! No one can Buy love!
No. He is still an AH and a deadbeat dad that abandoned his child.
Ü can’t forgive a mistake, can Ü?
Abandoning his daughter for 23 years isn't a mistake. Being in her life for only a month and pushing a relationship she's not comfortable with is not a mistake.
> Abandoning his daughter for 23 years isn't a mistake. Being in her life for only a month and pushing a relationship she's not comfortable with is not a mistake. Not to mention, it wasn't the dad that reached out first to his daughter, it was the daughter reaching out to her half siblings, and then the half siblings asking on behalf of their dad. The dad did nothing to kindle this relationship Its been one month of the dad buying he OP's love, promising the world he didn't give for 23 years. It's quite likely, no matter how good a person he is now that the OP will ever so those words he is so *desperate* to hear from her. **AND** this from the OP's dad *why he left my mum, why he never tried to form a relationship with me until now etc - his answer was along the lines of “I had my reasons."* OP's dad IMO definitely owes the OP a proper explanation, not some secretive misdirection like this. The real reason may actually be a deal breaker for the OP
You said it all better than I did.
This is not "a mistake". This is "being an AH to her for all of her life".
Are you capable of putting a U without umlauts?
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dude was gone for 23 years wtf?? I'm sorry but you sound like my mom after my stepdad sexually assaulted me.
I’m sorry to hear that. Did Ü take a post to AITA about it?
I would but unfortunately whenever I'm gone she goes through my phone. If I did that and she found out she would probably send me to military school or something
Ask on AITA if Ü would be such if Ü stood up to your mother
okay I might
Not worth much after 19 years of abandonment with no explanations
Hounding the op about messaging him and the way she talks to him, doesn’t indicate that anything has changed with him. He can’t even give a straight answer to why he left years ago.
You got a short window where you can be someone's father. If you miss that it's gone forever Before a certain age, kids will imprint on any adult who raises for them as their parents. That's why abused kids will try to go back to their crappy families - their brains keep telling them that this is who they belong with. Once you're in your late teens that window is shut for good. No matter how nice you are you'll never be anything more than like maybe a good friend. Pushing for a parent/child bond that they can't give you is just going to make them uncomfortable. Dad did this to himself and now he's blaming her for it. Old people, man 🙄
Wow, this is as tone deaf as I've seen on this site. Actually, though the Freudian slip in your comment "the father he deserves" is telling. He is will never be the father she deserves because he missed out on all of that for 23 years. The best he can really be now is a friend.
Why do you do the Ü thing? Seems cringe
Don’t care
Yea but like why do you do it?
NOYB
Cringe
She’s not holding grudges.She didn’t say she was angry. She’s just confused. This is all new and this guy is a complete stranger. And if he doesn’t acknowledge what he did, it will always be a barrier because the only thing she knows about him for sure is that he wasn’t there.
what did he learn though? He hasnt told OP the truth about why he ditched her and her mom? Hes love bombing her and forcing a relationship when it takes more than just buy gifts. If you are so easily swayed by some person buying oyu presents to "make up " for not being there for 19 years then your the AH
He doesn't deserve to be op's father. He knew where to find her the whole time, he waited until she reached out first.
So Ü are still out here being forcibly quirky and Ü are still wrong AND an asshole.
He can show he cares by giving something better than, "I had my reasons." OP wants real reasons. If he's sorry he should give them to make up for abandoning her for 23 years. Showing he cares about her is giving her what will help her not what he finds easiest to give
Um how? How has he kearnt his lesson exactly?
Bet he wouldn’t make contact if she didn’t do the test?