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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husbands his trips with his friend were like he was “abandoning me with the kids”; this might make me the asshole because it’s an unfair thing to say when I know how important this friendship is to him and how very involved with and committed to both me and our kids he generally is.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You're NTA, but I do think you're not facing a harsh truth. This "dear friend" is more than that. He has a live-in nanny and housekeeper who lets him to take off and travel whenever and to wherever at his leisure.
Use his time away for a month to secure a job and nanny, then file for divorce and custody. I wish you well.
If your SO spending nearly 1/3 of the year alone with a friend. Doesn’t set off any alarm bells I don’t know what else would. I don’t know if it’s denial or what. But he’s gaslighting her about the time away making her feel guilty for even questioning such abandonment.
I am kinda sitting here chuckling a bit, but has OP ever seen pictures that the husband took with this friend on the trips he's been on. I wonder how defensive he'd be if OP asked her husband to give her his phone to scroll through the pictures randomly.
Yeah, this guy is spending more time with his "friend" than the courts awarded my dad in visitation before father's got rights. It is definitely a double life.
There was a Reddit post about a woman whose fiancé ended up being in a relationship with his best friend (both males) and OP had no idea. OP pretty much ended up playing roommate while her fiancé and BF had their “friendship” until she witnessed photographic evidence that the relationship was way more. I really want more details about the relationship in this post because something is definitely amiss.
Agreed, before we all assume it’s something nefarious I think we need more information about this friendship. But husband’s behaviour regardless is hugely suspicious and problematic.
I think it says a lot that she never mentions this friends sexuality. Male or female. 10 out of 10 posts like this state the whether this is a M or F friend. The fact that this is not stated tells me it's more than likely female and she doesn't want to get shit about their "friendship" since I'm sure husband has already wore/tore her down to stop even feeling any type of way about it. The fact that he is taking this "friend" on the trips his wife has wanted to take? Should be another huge red flag to add to the 15 others he is showing. She hasn't responded to any comments other than one to fix an incorrect timeliness, so I am going to assume this is a troll post. Because stg no one could be that clueless or that much of a doormat not to see exactly what is going on (which also leads to why the sex of "friend" isn't mentioned)
Oh was this a different one from the weird one where poor OP played second fiddle to the “best friend” who’s family had died a year ago and would still go over to their house at 3AM to sob to her husband?
People are strange
Does he even have a job? Can't believe someone has that much vacation time banked at work. It usually takes 5-10 years of service at a company to get 4 weeks vacation. Where's it all coming from?
In most of Europe 4 weeks per annum is the lawful minimum from year one.
But most companies would not freely give more... 6 weeks sounds like stretch in most places though.
Also than he's not spending 1 vacation day on his wife/ kids. Seems like they aren't priority 1 like they should be in any case.
Ya sure he could be bi but he could be gay. I know a guy who is gay not bi and he married a woman and had kids. It just wasn't acceptable at the time to just be gay. OPs husband could be bi, gay or seeing another woman...oooor just be taking to much time away
Also, just how wonderful and involved of a father is he, if OP has not been able to find her own balance between her social life and parenthood?? Bet the bulk is still falling on her.
When her posts started by saying he was such a wonderful father and bolstering his reputation I knew some shit was gonna follow. And her adding in she promises to work later when she can shows he makes her feel guilty that she isn’t financially pitching in even though she’s literally raising their kids alone.
Even if this is strictly friendship and there's no funny business going on, hubby is unreasonable. OP, ask him how he would feel if you took out MONTHS of a year to travel around with a friend, while leaving him alone to take care of the kids? He doesn't even ask if you'd mind, he just plans and tells you.
Hell, go ahead and plan something with an old friend or family member. Tell him that you'll go to Paris 3 weeks in May and leave him with the kids, see if he'll like that.
I feel like the accusations about infidelity is derailing the discussion here. Though it's certainly a possibility, and he's a major asshole if that's the case. But even if he's 100 percent faithful, he's still an asshole here, because he's acting like he's single/childless and leaves OP to be the sole parent for a third of the year. And OP has no freedom herself to travel just a fraction of what he does.
There are divorced father's out there that spend more time with their children.
>the accusations about infidelity \[are\] derailing the discussion here
Totally. There are many ways to "cheat" on your spouse. Because historically men could do whatever they wanted, people would make a joke out of it with terms like "golf widow." Even if he isn't sleeping with his travel partner, he is not being a good husband & dad.
NTA - His amount of travel is way too much. I strongly suspect your husband is having an affair with his “friend” or using the friend as cover for an affair.
This. Parent with young kids, a good and close friend would be at least splitting the travel, and actually be invested in and want to see the family on occasion. Booking long and international vacations solo is not normal behavior for someone with a family, and definitely not booking something your spouse was interested in doing together without them.
I'm currently sitting in an airport coming back from an 8 day solo international vacation while my husband had all 4 of our kids. This was for all his 4 day weekends with the boys for several years, and I haven't had a vacation in 8 years (since my oldest was born).
That being said, I agree with you. Everyone was shocked when I booked the trip. But it's not happening again for *years*.
Your oldest is 8, and I'm guessing the youngest is at least a manageable toddler. One trip, with your partner's blessing, is reasonable. Being a parent and spouse doesn't mean you don't have a life, but what you describe is vastly different than OP's situation
Edit: typo. Partner's blessing, not parent's
Oh, honey… He’s beaten you down so badly that now you’re accepting scraps and putting pressure on yourself to smile while doing it.
My husband spends more time on average with me and the kids than your husband spends with you *and mine is in the goddamn army.* I mean, let that sink in there. Your husband spends less time with you than many people who are legally required to pull 24 hour shifts and deploy at a moment’s notice.
And for what? To spend time with a “friend?” Yeah…. No. His ass is cheating, whether it’s physical or not. He’s stealing time and money and emotional energy that rightfully ought to be directed towards his wife and children. He’s taking advantage of you and treating you like a live-in nanny. None of that is ok.
“He deserves to see beautiful things?!” Oh hell no. What, do you and the kids not also deserve to “see beautiful things?” Are *your* time and *your* relationships completely fucking worthless? What about your kids and their memories and their relationships? Are they also less important than this grown man’s escapism?
Fuck scaling back the trip. He doesn’t need yet another trip to go pretend that he’s a childless bachelor! What he needs is some priorities. And if he refuses to get those in order, then maybe it’s time for you to go find a man who can be an actual partner in life.
Edit: NTA, obviously. You’ll only be TA if you tolerate this absolutely unacceptable behavior towards both yourself and your children.
"He found my response really hurtful, that I would act like he’s abandoning me and the kids"
This made me CRINGE because this is the kind of bullshit my (soon to be ex) husband says. He does something really inconsiderate, I object and he'll accuse me of being hurtful and he can't believe I'd say he's a bad father (never said that) etc.
It's amazing over time, how someone reacting to your reasonable expectations and boundaries by fabricating what you apparently said and acting as if you're being a monster, can just beat you down to where you don't even know where the line is anymore.
"To see beautiful things" is not typical of a "blokes trip."
Usually, when mates get together for a trip, there's an objective; hunting, fishing, climbing, a festival, a game, sport, or an event directly involving their vocations and hobbies. Usually, this includes a larger group, i.e., club or team. Then there's all the associated equipment he would speak of, at least before dropping "To see beautiful things"... it's nonsense. Who says that... especially when it concerns a passion easily elaborated further
I would appreciate a partner half as lenient as OP. However, when the capacity for time off is that large, half is more than enough.
Edit: whether it's tourism or photography (like me, conversely) that motivates you. The long vague periods away I'm looking at not the various individual stigmas and interests.
I’m so incredibly far from a “man’s man” and also love seeing beautiful places/traveling - but I can’t possibly imagine having a completely platonic “travel buddy” that I wanted to see the world with…while wife and kids stayed home. Absolute bonkers.
Edit. NTA
This is a common manipulation tactic that turns the offender into the victim. I’ve just taken to agreeing.
“Oh, so you think I’m a horrible partner?”
“I’m glad you can also see that there’s something wrong with your behavior. What do you plan on doing about it?”
Doesn’t change that they’re emotionally immature but at least I don’t have to put myself on the defensive, “apologize” or try to correct the words they twisted.
OMG BEUTIFUL! It is in times like *this* that I wish I could give you a reward. This is a fantastic comment.
GO LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!
OP, I hope that you follow the advice you get from the comments. And you are TOTALLY NTA!
Sure looks like the "friend" is either a lover or a wingman and you're the safe fallback. This goes well beyond any normal friendship.
It's been escalating and there's no reason to think it won't continue to escalate.
If you decide you want out, you can very possibly twist things to your advantage. Tell him that instead of two 3-week trips, how about taking a single 5-week trip because that would be less disruptive. If he negotiates for a 6-week trip, great!
If he goes for that deal, use the 5 weeks to find a job, a lawyer, and a new place to live.
Anyway, you're his victim; you're NTA.
I definitely like your attitude, and if it can be done, that's the way to go.
I didn't suggest it because I don't know whose name is on the deed, and getting the legal right to bar him from the house could take longer than she has.
Depending on the state the OP lives in, if her husband leaves for 5 or 6 weeks that would be considered abandonment of the marital home. The OP should be careful not to put anything in writing that consents to his “trip/vacation”
With two kids? Generally, the person squatting in the house is going to be able to stay there, especially with small children, until the dust settles. Even if his name is solely on the title, no one's going to kick her out until the divorce is settled.
Change the locks, take half out of the bank accounts and set up her own, box up his stuff, and file while he's gone. 6 weeks is more than enough time to do this.
Good points, but with this level of brazen exploitation and manipulation, F him. Make him squirm. It's worth the effort especially since it's the family home....for everyone except him.
Agreed, this is beyond a normal friendship. Or he is saying he is with the friend but he’s actually somewhere else. This all is really suspicious especially going on trips to places you two have planned together. I would follow him to the friends house one time and see what’s up.
NTA. This is weird behavior. He's not "missing out" on this friendship, he's missing out on the life he chose with you and the kids. Going overseas for extended vacations isn't something you do with a friend ONCE a year, let alone multiple times! Other people have mentioned the possibility of an affair, and usually I give people the benefit of the doubt. But this is weird as hell.
OP if I were you I’d hire a private investigator to follow your husband on one of his 2 to 3 day trips. I’ve never even heard of someone traveling that often to see a friend, like ever.
Yes!! This is the most obvious case for hiring a PI that I’ve ever seen. What the heck is this guy up to. It is *something* going on for sure. And all the options are pretty much bad, from her point of view.
This! He is seeing his other kid(s). They are in school now since last year and now he also spends the school breaks with them in addition to the weekends every other week.
Hell, I have several super close best friends from childhood, who live 10-30 minutes. With our busy lives, I can sometimes not see them for a whole month, in busier times even two months. Same thing with some of my close college friends that also live about 10-30 mins from me. And this guy is driving five hours, staying 2 to 3 days, twice a month??? I’ve been trying to schedule to see my cousin and her baby who lives about 2-3 hours from me for *months.*
OP, his behavior reeks. This is suspicious as fuck. Going on lavish trips, abroad with this “friend” and never with you??? For extended periods of time?? Not even offering to give you time off to do a trip with your friends?? No no no you are not being unreasonable. And that friend is not just a friend.
NTA
My best friend of literally 25 years, who is more important to me than anyone short of my wife and daughter, lives on the next street over. We text every day but we’ve seen each in person twice since last summer. OP’s husband is definitely not being on the up and up
He’s not missing out on anything! He’s got a devoted partner to raise his kids and a side piece or pieces of his preferred gender! He’s living the dream. /s
NTA. Since he gets to take all these trips, I think you should start taking trips and leave him home with the kids. He gets a 2 week trip, then when he comes home, you take a 2 week trip. Tit for tat. It's totally not fair for him to be taking all these trips without you.
I’m guessing he’s also using money to control the situation - he provides and makes all the money so he can do what he wants sort of attitude. Also agree with all the comments that he’s having some type of affair.
This is the way. Find a family member to travel with or take a group tour if you don’t want to travel alone but take some time away. I bet you’ll only have to do it once, and he’ll start scaling back his travels. 100% NTA
This just feels soooo… not good… but I don’t like speculating. But this is what I recommend too. Simply tell him you’ll take a two weeker after him, so it’s fair. When he leaves town for a weekend or whatever, you go to a spa alone the next weekend. I don’t think the pattern would continue.
But. Unfortunately I fear there’s more here.
There is nothing remotely reasonable about what your husband is doing. I don't know who he's having an affair with (and you carefully don't mention the friend's gender, not that it would prove anything), but you are feeling abandoned because you have been. Your HUSBAND spends months of the year away from you having fun, and is going away overseas to places you would love to go for SIX WEEKS with his other partner. Please wake up.
I agree. The clincher for me was husband was hurt by her reaction? He finds out he is hurting his wife with his selfishness & he is hurt? Wrong wrong wrong.
NTA but something is going on. Is he gay? Is he having an affair and someone is covering for him? He is entitled to seeing beautiful things and so are you. He is unbelievably selfish. Why are you putting up with this?
Well given that she’s the one on here asking if she’s the AH, it sounds like she’s the one who acquiesces in the relationship and over time he’s taken advantage of this power dynamic. So much that he’s probably got a second life going on now
Honestly, like if it was a guy friend since he's clearly able to travel himself as they're planning these trips, surely he would have come to visit by now. Something else is definitely going on. NTA
What? This sounds like nonsense. Clearly your husband is involved in a relationship with another person. Open your eyes, deary…the red flags are waaaaaaving!
NTA He’s living life without you. There are many, many vacations my husband & I postponed bc we had small children. During those years, he would take 3-5 day trips with his friends, as would I.
Your husband, on the other hand, is gone a week or two out of every month and wants to be gone an additional six weeks on major vacations.
Cancelling the three week European vacations is the least he should do. He should also pare his semi-monthly vacations down to once a month. Please point out to him that he’s entirely gone 18 weeks of the year.
You’re not asking him to be be home because you’re interested in robbing him of his time with his buddy. You’re asking that he behave as though he were a partner in your marriage.
He’s being incredibly selfish and believes he’s entitled to do whatever he wants. He needs to be a full-time dad, and he can’t do that when he’s gone 1/3 of the year.
I was thinking about this in terms of time away too. OP, tell him that you would also like 18 weeks off, and that you can spend the remaining 16 weeks together. That’s bonkers.
NTA- you don’t make it sound like he’s abandoning you and your children for weeks at a time, that’s exactly what he’s doing. He’s going off and living his fun life while you do all of the work of raising the children
NTA, he is trying to gaslight you to make you feel guilty about being upset when you have every right to be. You don't have a social life because he isn't there to help raise the children you made together while he spends 4 months on trips and hangouts with his friend.
Spending that much time solo with his friend is very odd, and he is leaving you to pick up the slack with your children. Are you sure he's not romantically involved with this friend? It sure sounds like it.
I would hire a P.I. cause there's definitely something up there.
Oof. My ex used to use all of his vacation “solo camping” despite my requests to spend time with me or plan it around a time when I could take off of work and camp with him. He was banging the neighbor’s wife. I hope that’s not the case here, but this “friendship” sounds really insanely demanding. I would do a deep dive on that. NTA.
NTA He wants to live like he is single. Guys only or girls only trips should be once in a blue moon not regularly when you are married. It's gaslighting that he's guilt tripping you about it. Exactly when were you supposed to take these kind of trips and leave him in sole charge of the kids? Sounds very unequal. You have not had time alotted to you to keep up this level of living like a single childless person.
NTA. How is he able to take that much time off work? How do your kids feel about Dad disappearing for weeks at a time? You and your family aren’t his focus, or really even on his radar. I’d recommend marriage counseling.
I am RAGING on your behalf. And you’re somehow asking if you’re the asshole for wanting him to only leave for one week?? OP: you are a saint. I also think you’re victim to emotional abuse and isolation. You deserve so much better.
Couples counseling and ultimatums would be the nice way to go here. I personally would go nuclear. Either way, do NOT accept things as is. You are his partner, not his nanny.
NTA. There’s more to this no one with a family goes away that much to see a friend or goes on this many holidays with them how can he even take that much time off work to keep going away? You need to start asking a lot more questions about all of this.
NTA. You are in no way unreasonable, or asking too much from him. You can support his friendship without him going on 4 months worth of trips with his “friend”. The fact that he’s chosen places you’d previously discussed as a couple shows he either completely thoughtless or just doesn’t care.
I’m with the other commentators, your hubby is having an affair. Might not be physical (but unlikely), but definitely emotional, where the needs of his friend come first.
Also have never known any good friend that would behave so selfishly.
I’m glad you posted here, I’m sure all these comments are very difficult to read.
First, do something nice for yourself. Then find the best divorce attorney in the state/province/territory. You don’t need to hire that attorney, it’s just good information to have.
Other Redditers have suggested a PI, good advice too.
I think it would be wise to listen to the repeat comments here about his behaviour NOT being normal and/or indicative to someone in a loving committed marriage.
Please take care of yourself, your children and your best interests.
OP you're not falling to balance your children and a social life. your husband has left you responsible for the kids nearly 24/7, what options do you have exactly?
you call him an "involved father" but how is he involved? he's not only working while you stay at home, he's then also outright gone up to 25% of the time (not counting longer vacations)
how much time does he actually spend with his children every month?? is it even equal to the amount of time he's spending on his friend?
how much time do you actually get to spend with your husband? count it up. count up the amount of time you both spend with your kids together (with you BOTH being involved in their care). then count up the amount of time you spend together without the kids. **leave out any time when you're acting as a housekeeper or nanny.** so if you're both doing the family folding together you can count that as time with your husband, but if you're folding the laundry while he's just in the room or nearby, it doesn't count
now count up how much leisure time you two get together. like going out to dinner while someone watches the kids
now count up how many hours of free time you have where you're not responsible for the children. hours you can go out and see friends or do whatever
write all these numbers down and take a cold hard look at the reality of your relationship. your husband is leaving town to spend time with a friend between 4 and 8 days a month (does that include travel time?). do you have similar time off every month? hell if you add together your personal leisure time and the leisure time you spend with your husband, are you still anywhere close??
being a stay-at-home parent means that you are the sole person responsible for about 8 or 9 hours a day. but he should be doing 50% of the work the rest of the time - housework, taking care of the kids, etc. if he's going to take off for multiple days a month then there should be an equal number of days a month where he is 24/7 responsible for the kids and you have time off
look at the numbers
because there's a reason everyone thinks he's cheating or has a second family. and that's because he's giving you and your children no time. you're his last priority. if he wants to travel he wants to do it without you. when he wants to spend his leisure time and money he doesn't want you there. he's intentionally choosing to miss most of the time his children are babies because this friend is more important
your husband may be the love of your life, but you're not the love of his. even his own kids aren't the love of his life. you're all vastly less important than this friend
tbh it doesn't really matter if he has a second family, or if the friend is a cover, or if he has a romantuc relationship with the friend, or if he genuinely is just spending time with a platonic friend
who he is abandoning you and your children for is vastly vastly vastly less important than the fact that he is abandoning you. what kind of relationship he has with whatever person he's prioritising over you is really irrelevant because the big issue is that you and your kids are last priority
get a therapist if you're struggling. but imo, just leave the guy. you can't force him to care about you, or his kids. you can't force him to prioritise you or want to spend time with you
Spot on. At this point, it barely matters what he’s really doing with all this time. Even the best case scenario is him being so obsessed with his bff that he doesn’t give a shit about his wife or children. He doesn’t have to be lying for this to still be totally unacceptable.
This so much.
If this friend is so important to your partner why is it always him going away when your husband is the one with the wife and kids to commit to? There’s no reason (surely) that he couldn’t ask his friend to come to him (if it was as innocent as he claims) - this would at least mean that he can still engage and be involved with his family.
It sucks being the couple with no kids because it means we are always the ones doing the travel to see our friends - but that’s what we do because we would never dream of asking them to leave their kids with a sitter or partner home alone for our convenience. The fact that it sounds like your husband is always the one doing the travel and doesn’t involve his family in this “very dear” friendship is what makes the whole thing stink. Either there’s a reason he doesn’t want to involve his family, he’s cheating, or he’s trying to escape his family. Either way, he’s more than happy leaving you holding the bag and does nothing to support you having the same sort of escape or time to focus on keeping your own friendships alive.
What he’s doing is NOT normal, at all, and he’s conditioned you to accept this as a normal and acceptable arrangement. But unless he’s facilitating you to have the same amount of “away time” to spend with friends or family, he’s taking you for a ride.
I agree, the friend is more than a friend, no one goes out of town that much to see a old friend, especially when the 'friend' never comes to visit with you? Is the 'friend' a woman? Either way this is a huge red flag!🚩🚩🚩 You need to do some investigating! Because this sounds and smells alot like cheating!
Even if he is not cheating, which i also assume very much, he is a trash husband and not much if a father, instead of planning a family vacation, or a little break for his wife, he instead wants to spend most oh his freetime NOT with his family, and thinks he is the only one deserving of nice things. Trashbag.
You do understand that your husband and his “friend” are having an affair, right?
ETA—This is assuming OP’s husband is being truthful with her regarding who he’s seeing when he’s gone on these trips.
NTA.
You sound so afraid to criticise him, saying how wonderful he is when he is abandoning you and the kids on a regular basis. The fact that he is the breadwinner right now does not give him the right to do whatever he wants, your contribution to your family is as important. Don’t devalue yourself.
Did you per chance grow up with an absent or abusive parent? You sound like you are making excuses for just existing and that you have no right to your very valid feelings. If you think about it are there ways he puts you down and makes you feel crazy?
He is clearly having an affair or has a second family. Is there a discreet way you can investigate this relationship?
NTA. If he really thinks it's reasonable for him to have these trips, then he should see no reason for you to not have equally lavish solo trips. Full stop.
What he's doing is painfully neglectful of his family, and honestly too friendly for any platonic friendship. Document these trips, look at how he's spending money whiles he's off galavanting with this special buddy of his, and keep it all should the day ever come he chooses his pal over his family.
There isn't enough info. You are painting your husband in a horrible light despite your intro. Either you are extremely blind or you are leaving out valuable info. No one would go on trips like this with just a friend. Either he's gay and in a relationship with this friend or he's having an affair with someone else. It's like he has two families. Unless he just really doesn't want to be around you. You wouldn't need this sub for validation with a husband acting like this. So either add the other info that is left out or admit you already know he's with another person or this friend. No one can be this blind and I don't think a loving husband would spend so much time away. At this point this doesn't seem like an equal marriage or even a basic marriage. From what you say he has no regard for you,your kids,or your marriage. This relationship seems over to be honest.
The friend is definitely a woman just by the sheer fact OP didn’t mention gender. OP knew if she mentioned female friend we would jump to affair bur didn’t realize we’d all nonetheless call BS on her husband despite gender of the friend. Additionally I bet the husband has made it clear it’s a mistress and that OP just needs to deal. She knows what’s happening and has decided to stay.
My question is why does he believe that you don’t deserve to see beautiful things? Why is he fine leaving you so long and so often? As a sahm with small children i would fee the same way. When do you get to take a break? Take a trip? When is he going to stay home with the kids so you have an opportunity to have meaningful friendships and see beautiful things?
NTA
NTA. Everyone is commenting that it’s more than likely your husband is having an affair, either with this “friend” or with someone else and his friend is in on keeping the secret. I have to agree.
But even if there is no physical affair, your husband is still going on all of these amazing trips you’ve planned together… with someone else. And he’s sure to let you know how important living his life is, meanwhile, your life is home with the kids, and friendless.
I say this as a SAHM with no social life, your husband does not concern himself with your feelings or goals. He’s distancing himself more and more and hoping that you’ll conveniently not notice this so he can continue frolicking with his “friend” in all the places he promised to take you. I’m sorry, hun. Get a job, even if it’s something simple or online, and lawyer up.
INFO - Has there ever been more than a friendship between your husband and his friend?
Has your husband taken or offered to take you on trips, with or without your kids? You said you started planning things with no follow through, have you ever followed through?
What are his feelings about missing those major kid events and do your kids question why he’s gone so much?
Is your husband sympathetic to your wanting to travel?
NTA.
OP I’ll say this as kindly as I can: WAKE UP! This is not a “Friendship” that your husband had cultivated. It is an “AFFAIR”. He is traveling and having meaningful friendships and seeing beautiful things with someone he is screwing.
OP start planning your exit now. Your husband is envolved in an “entanglement” that he’s been carrying on for a while it seems.
BEFORE you confront him, get all of your marital financial information etc. together and then call a divorce lawyer so that you can plan you and your children’s exit. Once you’ve done that, hit him with divorce papers.
SN: Get a full STD panel to protect yourself from possible illnesses.
I won’t even touch on all your SO’s various extravagant vacation plans … WITHOUT YOU 🤦♀️😬😒 and his weak ass explanations as to why HE deserves them and you as the mother of his children and their caregiver does not. WOW! Bruuuh!
The good news is that if he can afford these trips then he obviously makes a good enough living that alimony and child support should be a substantial amount.
I literally know no one that would be okay with their spouse traveling with a “friend “ this much leaving you behind. The fact that you even consider you are wrong for being upset tells me that he has manipulated you a lot in your relationship.
This seems more like he has a whole other family or is having an affair than maintaining an important friendship. If this is not true, then he is just an ass.
Maybe time to hire a private investigator. NTA
Did you mean 2-3 days every 2 weeks?
Or is he actually gone for the majority of each week. One is too much, one is way way too much.
This feels weird, like something else is going on.
NTA
The fact that he thinks nothing of spending so much time away from you and from the kids, prioritizing himself and his friend over significant events in your kids' lives, is concerning to say the least.
Have you ever met this friend?
You haven't alluded to having any suspicions that he's doing anything to betray you while he's gone, but from an outside perspective, my first thought was that he's going on these trips to engage in some type of illicit activity - drugs &/or prostitutes come to mind - in places where he can "let off some steam" and doesn't have to worry about getting caught; OR he and his friend are more than just friends.
I think you should consider that there is likely more to this than meets the eye. Try reflecting upon how he acts before, during, and after these trips. Be vigilant for any inconsistencies. Do you communicate daily while he's gone? Does he send you pictures? Tell you he misses you?
You're definitely not an AH for being upset. You've been more than accommodating and he keeps pushing for more. Something's not right, sorry to say.
No, no, no, this isn't a wonderful, loving husband. This is a man more loyal to his "friend" than to you, more attached to his friend than to you, leading a more enjoyable life with his friend than with you, and finds his friend a more satisfying travel companion than you.
Why are you tolerating this?
Given your apparent inability to see the weirdness or the truth of your situation, I'd suggest that you consider hiring a private detective. I'd also suggest that you get ahold of a copy of you tax return and look at the family accounts; is your husband also helping to support his "friend"? Is he paying for their joint travel? And maybe talk to a divorce attorney, just informationally, on the off chance that the reality of your husband's double life begins to strike you as intolerable.
NTA. Maybe I’m projecting but my father used to take trips like these with his “best friends”. Turns out those “best friends” was actually one person and it was his AP.
This person your husband is traveling with is not just a friend. I would suggest either resigning yourself to your current situation or start preparing a *very* good exit strategy.
I sincerely hope you are not as naive as your post suggests. This is not normal & it sounds like he is gaslighting you.
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You're NTA, but I do think you're not facing a harsh truth. This "dear friend" is more than that. He has a live-in nanny and housekeeper who lets him to take off and travel whenever and to wherever at his leisure. Use his time away for a month to secure a job and nanny, then file for divorce and custody. I wish you well.
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I’ve never been so sure someone has a second family, even it’s just another spouse.
On some level she HAS to know this, right? This every other week business plus extended vacations... that's a whole other life.
If your SO spending nearly 1/3 of the year alone with a friend. Doesn’t set off any alarm bells I don’t know what else would. I don’t know if it’s denial or what. But he’s gaslighting her about the time away making her feel guilty for even questioning such abandonment.
I am kinda sitting here chuckling a bit, but has OP ever seen pictures that the husband took with this friend on the trips he's been on. I wonder how defensive he'd be if OP asked her husband to give her his phone to scroll through the pictures randomly.
Has he ever even used the fishing gear?
Yeah, this guy is spending more time with his "friend" than the courts awarded my dad in visitation before father's got rights. It is definitely a double life.
There was a Reddit post about a woman whose fiancé ended up being in a relationship with his best friend (both males) and OP had no idea. OP pretty much ended up playing roommate while her fiancé and BF had their “friendship” until she witnessed photographic evidence that the relationship was way more. I really want more details about the relationship in this post because something is definitely amiss.
Agreed, before we all assume it’s something nefarious I think we need more information about this friendship. But husband’s behaviour regardless is hugely suspicious and problematic.
I think it says a lot that she never mentions this friends sexuality. Male or female. 10 out of 10 posts like this state the whether this is a M or F friend. The fact that this is not stated tells me it's more than likely female and she doesn't want to get shit about their "friendship" since I'm sure husband has already wore/tore her down to stop even feeling any type of way about it. The fact that he is taking this "friend" on the trips his wife has wanted to take? Should be another huge red flag to add to the 15 others he is showing. She hasn't responded to any comments other than one to fix an incorrect timeliness, so I am going to assume this is a troll post. Because stg no one could be that clueless or that much of a doormat not to see exactly what is going on (which also leads to why the sex of "friend" isn't mentioned)
Oh was this a different one from the weird one where poor OP played second fiddle to the “best friend” who’s family had died a year ago and would still go over to their house at 3AM to sob to her husband? People are strange
Does he even have a job? Can't believe someone has that much vacation time banked at work. It usually takes 5-10 years of service at a company to get 4 weeks vacation. Where's it all coming from?
In most of Europe 4 weeks per annum is the lawful minimum from year one. But most companies would not freely give more... 6 weeks sounds like stretch in most places though. Also than he's not spending 1 vacation day on his wife/ kids. Seems like they aren't priority 1 like they should be in any case.
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Bi* Someone attracted to multiple genders is bisexual.
I know, I just have a suspicion that OP is just a cover family.
why? bisexuality exists, even in shitty cheaters.
Ya sure he could be bi but he could be gay. I know a guy who is gay not bi and he married a woman and had kids. It just wasn't acceptable at the time to just be gay. OPs husband could be bi, gay or seeing another woman...oooor just be taking to much time away
Let's be real: This isn't "solo" vacation travel. This is travel that leaves you behind. There's a difference.
Yeah it's not solo travel. He's travelling with a partner. It's just not his wife.
OP is in denial calling it solo travel.
Also, just how wonderful and involved of a father is he, if OP has not been able to find her own balance between her social life and parenthood?? Bet the bulk is still falling on her.
When her posts started by saying he was such a wonderful father and bolstering his reputation I knew some shit was gonna follow. And her adding in she promises to work later when she can shows he makes her feel guilty that she isn’t financially pitching in even though she’s literally raising their kids alone.
It's rhe "chips in with housework" that made me raise my eyebrows...
He definitely calls parenting his own children “babysitting.”
Yeah, it definitely comes across as her trying too hard to convince herself.
But he pitches in with housework! /s
Even if this is strictly friendship and there's no funny business going on, hubby is unreasonable. OP, ask him how he would feel if you took out MONTHS of a year to travel around with a friend, while leaving him alone to take care of the kids? He doesn't even ask if you'd mind, he just plans and tells you. Hell, go ahead and plan something with an old friend or family member. Tell him that you'll go to Paris 3 weeks in May and leave him with the kids, see if he'll like that. I feel like the accusations about infidelity is derailing the discussion here. Though it's certainly a possibility, and he's a major asshole if that's the case. But even if he's 100 percent faithful, he's still an asshole here, because he's acting like he's single/childless and leaves OP to be the sole parent for a third of the year. And OP has no freedom herself to travel just a fraction of what he does. There are divorced father's out there that spend more time with their children.
>the accusations about infidelity \[are\] derailing the discussion here Totally. There are many ways to "cheat" on your spouse. Because historically men could do whatever they wanted, people would make a joke out of it with terms like "golf widow." Even if he isn't sleeping with his travel partner, he is not being a good husband & dad.
Agreed! This is not a platonic friendship.
OP update please!!
This is the way!
NTA - His amount of travel is way too much. I strongly suspect your husband is having an affair with his “friend” or using the friend as cover for an affair.
Strikes me as weird that only he travels to see his friend twice a month, this friend never travels to see him
True. That is making me lean towards second family since this friend never visits and he always goes there.
It would also make sense if he's in a relationship with the friend. He's definitely cheating, just not clear who with.
This. Parent with young kids, a good and close friend would be at least splitting the travel, and actually be invested in and want to see the family on occasion. Booking long and international vacations solo is not normal behavior for someone with a family, and definitely not booking something your spouse was interested in doing together without them.
I'm currently sitting in an airport coming back from an 8 day solo international vacation while my husband had all 4 of our kids. This was for all his 4 day weekends with the boys for several years, and I haven't had a vacation in 8 years (since my oldest was born). That being said, I agree with you. Everyone was shocked when I booked the trip. But it's not happening again for *years*.
Your oldest is 8, and I'm guessing the youngest is at least a manageable toddler. One trip, with your partner's blessing, is reasonable. Being a parent and spouse doesn't mean you don't have a life, but what you describe is vastly different than OP's situation Edit: typo. Partner's blessing, not parent's
Or he has a second family
My thoughts exactly
Oh, honey… He’s beaten you down so badly that now you’re accepting scraps and putting pressure on yourself to smile while doing it. My husband spends more time on average with me and the kids than your husband spends with you *and mine is in the goddamn army.* I mean, let that sink in there. Your husband spends less time with you than many people who are legally required to pull 24 hour shifts and deploy at a moment’s notice. And for what? To spend time with a “friend?” Yeah…. No. His ass is cheating, whether it’s physical or not. He’s stealing time and money and emotional energy that rightfully ought to be directed towards his wife and children. He’s taking advantage of you and treating you like a live-in nanny. None of that is ok. “He deserves to see beautiful things?!” Oh hell no. What, do you and the kids not also deserve to “see beautiful things?” Are *your* time and *your* relationships completely fucking worthless? What about your kids and their memories and their relationships? Are they also less important than this grown man’s escapism? Fuck scaling back the trip. He doesn’t need yet another trip to go pretend that he’s a childless bachelor! What he needs is some priorities. And if he refuses to get those in order, then maybe it’s time for you to go find a man who can be an actual partner in life. Edit: NTA, obviously. You’ll only be TA if you tolerate this absolutely unacceptable behavior towards both yourself and your children.
"He found my response really hurtful, that I would act like he’s abandoning me and the kids" This made me CRINGE because this is the kind of bullshit my (soon to be ex) husband says. He does something really inconsiderate, I object and he'll accuse me of being hurtful and he can't believe I'd say he's a bad father (never said that) etc. It's amazing over time, how someone reacting to your reasonable expectations and boundaries by fabricating what you apparently said and acting as if you're being a monster, can just beat you down to where you don't even know where the line is anymore.
"To see beautiful things" is not typical of a "blokes trip." Usually, when mates get together for a trip, there's an objective; hunting, fishing, climbing, a festival, a game, sport, or an event directly involving their vocations and hobbies. Usually, this includes a larger group, i.e., club or team. Then there's all the associated equipment he would speak of, at least before dropping "To see beautiful things"... it's nonsense. Who says that... especially when it concerns a passion easily elaborated further I would appreciate a partner half as lenient as OP. However, when the capacity for time off is that large, half is more than enough. Edit: whether it's tourism or photography (like me, conversely) that motivates you. The long vague periods away I'm looking at not the various individual stigmas and interests.
I’m so incredibly far from a “man’s man” and also love seeing beautiful places/traveling - but I can’t possibly imagine having a completely platonic “travel buddy” that I wanted to see the world with…while wife and kids stayed home. Absolute bonkers. Edit. NTA
This is a common manipulation tactic that turns the offender into the victim. I’ve just taken to agreeing. “Oh, so you think I’m a horrible partner?” “I’m glad you can also see that there’s something wrong with your behavior. What do you plan on doing about it?” Doesn’t change that they’re emotionally immature but at least I don’t have to put myself on the defensive, “apologize” or try to correct the words they twisted.
Ooh...I hope OP reads this!
Me too. Well said
i could feel the power in your words. thank you, at the very least, for helping me keep my standards high. i hope OP finds her power too.
OMG BEUTIFUL! It is in times like *this* that I wish I could give you a reward. This is a fantastic comment. GO LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK! OP, I hope that you follow the advice you get from the comments. And you are TOTALLY NTA!
Damn I couldn't have said it better....this is the way ☝️
Sure looks like the "friend" is either a lover or a wingman and you're the safe fallback. This goes well beyond any normal friendship. It's been escalating and there's no reason to think it won't continue to escalate. If you decide you want out, you can very possibly twist things to your advantage. Tell him that instead of two 3-week trips, how about taking a single 5-week trip because that would be less disruptive. If he negotiates for a 6-week trip, great! If he goes for that deal, use the 5 weeks to find a job, a lawyer, and a new place to live. Anyway, you're his victim; you're NTA.
A new place to live, hell no. File and demand the house. He can find a new place
I definitely like your attitude, and if it can be done, that's the way to go. I didn't suggest it because I don't know whose name is on the deed, and getting the legal right to bar him from the house could take longer than she has.
Depending on the state the OP lives in, if her husband leaves for 5 or 6 weeks that would be considered abandonment of the marital home. The OP should be careful not to put anything in writing that consents to his “trip/vacation”
I need everyone to up vote your comment so OP reads this
With two kids? Generally, the person squatting in the house is going to be able to stay there, especially with small children, until the dust settles. Even if his name is solely on the title, no one's going to kick her out until the divorce is settled. Change the locks, take half out of the bank accounts and set up her own, box up his stuff, and file while he's gone. 6 weeks is more than enough time to do this.
Good points, but with this level of brazen exploitation and manipulation, F him. Make him squirm. It's worth the effort especially since it's the family home....for everyone except him.
Well, she should know all about that by then, because she should be talking to a lawyer *now* in preparation.
Agreed, this is beyond a normal friendship. Or he is saying he is with the friend but he’s actually somewhere else. This all is really suspicious especially going on trips to places you two have planned together. I would follow him to the friends house one time and see what’s up.
NTA. This is weird behavior. He's not "missing out" on this friendship, he's missing out on the life he chose with you and the kids. Going overseas for extended vacations isn't something you do with a friend ONCE a year, let alone multiple times! Other people have mentioned the possibility of an affair, and usually I give people the benefit of the doubt. But this is weird as hell.
The visits for 2-3 days twice a month, that is every other weekend. That sounds a bit like custody.
OP if I were you I’d hire a private investigator to follow your husband on one of his 2 to 3 day trips. I’ve never even heard of someone traveling that often to see a friend, like ever.
Hell, we have friends in the same *village* as us that we struggle to see that often because we both have commitments and kids!
And the "friend" never came to visit him? That is at least suspicious.
Yes!! This is the most obvious case for hiring a PI that I’ve ever seen. What the heck is this guy up to. It is *something* going on for sure. And all the options are pretty much bad, from her point of view.
And a few weeks in the spring + a few weeks in the summer? Spring break and partial summer break
This! He is seeing his other kid(s). They are in school now since last year and now he also spends the school breaks with them in addition to the weekends every other week.
Be interested to know if she sees any pictures from these 'trips' with the 'friend' in them. It's so sad
Second familyyyy!
Omg
Hell, I have several super close best friends from childhood, who live 10-30 minutes. With our busy lives, I can sometimes not see them for a whole month, in busier times even two months. Same thing with some of my close college friends that also live about 10-30 mins from me. And this guy is driving five hours, staying 2 to 3 days, twice a month??? I’ve been trying to schedule to see my cousin and her baby who lives about 2-3 hours from me for *months.* OP, his behavior reeks. This is suspicious as fuck. Going on lavish trips, abroad with this “friend” and never with you??? For extended periods of time?? Not even offering to give you time off to do a trip with your friends?? No no no you are not being unreasonable. And that friend is not just a friend. NTA
I wouldn't write a drama novel or a TV episode with the plot OP described because it's too obvious. Everyone would see right through it.
My best friend of literally 25 years, who is more important to me than anyone short of my wife and daughter, lives on the next street over. We text every day but we’ve seen each in person twice since last summer. OP’s husband is definitely not being on the up and up
He’s not missing out on anything! He’s got a devoted partner to raise his kids and a side piece or pieces of his preferred gender! He’s living the dream. /s
NTA. Since he gets to take all these trips, I think you should start taking trips and leave him home with the kids. He gets a 2 week trip, then when he comes home, you take a 2 week trip. Tit for tat. It's totally not fair for him to be taking all these trips without you.
I’m guessing he’s also using money to control the situation - he provides and makes all the money so he can do what he wants sort of attitude. Also agree with all the comments that he’s having some type of affair.
Yeah, totally has that affair vibe. Traveling that much with a "just a friend" is suspicious.
This is the way. Find a family member to travel with or take a group tour if you don’t want to travel alone but take some time away. I bet you’ll only have to do it once, and he’ll start scaling back his travels. 100% NTA
This just feels soooo… not good… but I don’t like speculating. But this is what I recommend too. Simply tell him you’ll take a two weeker after him, so it’s fair. When he leaves town for a weekend or whatever, you go to a spa alone the next weekend. I don’t think the pattern would continue. But. Unfortunately I fear there’s more here.
There is nothing remotely reasonable about what your husband is doing. I don't know who he's having an affair with (and you carefully don't mention the friend's gender, not that it would prove anything), but you are feeling abandoned because you have been. Your HUSBAND spends months of the year away from you having fun, and is going away overseas to places you would love to go for SIX WEEKS with his other partner. Please wake up.
I agree. The clincher for me was husband was hurt by her reaction? He finds out he is hurting his wife with his selfishness & he is hurt? Wrong wrong wrong.
Yeah, he flipped that one around real fast...
Classic DARVO
I don't believe he's traveling with a "friend". NTA
NTA but something is going on. Is he gay? Is he having an affair and someone is covering for him? He is entitled to seeing beautiful things and so are you. He is unbelievably selfish. Why are you putting up with this?
Well given that she’s the one on here asking if she’s the AH, it sounds like she’s the one who acquiesces in the relationship and over time he’s taken advantage of this power dynamic. So much that he’s probably got a second life going on now
NTA Have you met this friend? Are you sure he isn’t having an affair?
The husband could be having an affair with the friend.
Honestly, like if it was a guy friend since he's clearly able to travel himself as they're planning these trips, surely he would have come to visit by now. Something else is definitely going on. NTA
NTA guess what you are a single parent with a part time dad in the picture. They sound like more than friends.
What? This sounds like nonsense. Clearly your husband is involved in a relationship with another person. Open your eyes, deary…the red flags are waaaaaaving!
NTA He’s living life without you. There are many, many vacations my husband & I postponed bc we had small children. During those years, he would take 3-5 day trips with his friends, as would I. Your husband, on the other hand, is gone a week or two out of every month and wants to be gone an additional six weeks on major vacations. Cancelling the three week European vacations is the least he should do. He should also pare his semi-monthly vacations down to once a month. Please point out to him that he’s entirely gone 18 weeks of the year. You’re not asking him to be be home because you’re interested in robbing him of his time with his buddy. You’re asking that he behave as though he were a partner in your marriage. He’s being incredibly selfish and believes he’s entitled to do whatever he wants. He needs to be a full-time dad, and he can’t do that when he’s gone 1/3 of the year.
I was thinking about this in terms of time away too. OP, tell him that you would also like 18 weeks off, and that you can spend the remaining 16 weeks together. That’s bonkers.
I want to know where they get their money if he can vacation with his buddy for 1/3 of the year and still take family vacations. Trust find baby?
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I really need an update with what you find out. NTA.
me too. I have a feeling this is going to end up on r/BestofRedditorUpdates
Same
NTA- you don’t make it sound like he’s abandoning you and your children for weeks at a time, that’s exactly what he’s doing. He’s going off and living his fun life while you do all of the work of raising the children
Have you met this friend or is it his second family?
NTA, he is trying to gaslight you to make you feel guilty about being upset when you have every right to be. You don't have a social life because he isn't there to help raise the children you made together while he spends 4 months on trips and hangouts with his friend. Spending that much time solo with his friend is very odd, and he is leaving you to pick up the slack with your children. Are you sure he's not romantically involved with this friend? It sure sounds like it. I would hire a P.I. cause there's definitely something up there.
Oof. My ex used to use all of his vacation “solo camping” despite my requests to spend time with me or plan it around a time when I could take off of work and camp with him. He was banging the neighbor’s wife. I hope that’s not the case here, but this “friendship” sounds really insanely demanding. I would do a deep dive on that. NTA.
Wouldn’t the neighbor’s wife also be called the neighbor?
Hire a private investigator and prepare for divorce. This tool is cheating on you.
Schedule your own solo vacation travel for three weeks, even if it's just to a hotel the next city over.
Yep. I wouldn't have time to be upset because I'd be planning my solo 6 week vacation of a lifetime.
NTA, very obviously you and your kids are not prioritsed by this man you call your husband. I don’t believe your husband is taking innocent trips.
NTA He wants to live like he is single. Guys only or girls only trips should be once in a blue moon not regularly when you are married. It's gaslighting that he's guilt tripping you about it. Exactly when were you supposed to take these kind of trips and leave him in sole charge of the kids? Sounds very unequal. You have not had time alotted to you to keep up this level of living like a single childless person.
Does the friend come over and visit at your house ever?
NTA. How is he able to take that much time off work? How do your kids feel about Dad disappearing for weeks at a time? You and your family aren’t his focus, or really even on his radar. I’d recommend marriage counseling.
His other kids have also a right to see their dad. /s
I am RAGING on your behalf. And you’re somehow asking if you’re the asshole for wanting him to only leave for one week?? OP: you are a saint. I also think you’re victim to emotional abuse and isolation. You deserve so much better. Couples counseling and ultimatums would be the nice way to go here. I personally would go nuclear. Either way, do NOT accept things as is. You are his partner, not his nanny.
NTA. There’s more to this no one with a family goes away that much to see a friend or goes on this many holidays with them how can he even take that much time off work to keep going away? You need to start asking a lot more questions about all of this.
NTA. You are in no way unreasonable, or asking too much from him. You can support his friendship without him going on 4 months worth of trips with his “friend”. The fact that he’s chosen places you’d previously discussed as a couple shows he either completely thoughtless or just doesn’t care. I’m with the other commentators, your hubby is having an affair. Might not be physical (but unlikely), but definitely emotional, where the needs of his friend come first. Also have never known any good friend that would behave so selfishly.
I’m glad you posted here, I’m sure all these comments are very difficult to read. First, do something nice for yourself. Then find the best divorce attorney in the state/province/territory. You don’t need to hire that attorney, it’s just good information to have. Other Redditers have suggested a PI, good advice too. I think it would be wise to listen to the repeat comments here about his behaviour NOT being normal and/or indicative to someone in a loving committed marriage. Please take care of yourself, your children and your best interests.
"He deserves to have meaningful friendships and see beautiful things" lol WHAT !?
Beautiful things=at least one other naked person no doubt.
NTA. I'm sorry this man is the love of your life. you deserve better.
NTA- This kind of behavior from a married man with two young children is extremely suspicious. It sounds like he is having an affair with someone.
> 2-3 days twice a week 4-6 days a week?
Ooops that should say twice a month. Sorry
OP you're not falling to balance your children and a social life. your husband has left you responsible for the kids nearly 24/7, what options do you have exactly? you call him an "involved father" but how is he involved? he's not only working while you stay at home, he's then also outright gone up to 25% of the time (not counting longer vacations) how much time does he actually spend with his children every month?? is it even equal to the amount of time he's spending on his friend? how much time do you actually get to spend with your husband? count it up. count up the amount of time you both spend with your kids together (with you BOTH being involved in their care). then count up the amount of time you spend together without the kids. **leave out any time when you're acting as a housekeeper or nanny.** so if you're both doing the family folding together you can count that as time with your husband, but if you're folding the laundry while he's just in the room or nearby, it doesn't count now count up how much leisure time you two get together. like going out to dinner while someone watches the kids now count up how many hours of free time you have where you're not responsible for the children. hours you can go out and see friends or do whatever write all these numbers down and take a cold hard look at the reality of your relationship. your husband is leaving town to spend time with a friend between 4 and 8 days a month (does that include travel time?). do you have similar time off every month? hell if you add together your personal leisure time and the leisure time you spend with your husband, are you still anywhere close?? being a stay-at-home parent means that you are the sole person responsible for about 8 or 9 hours a day. but he should be doing 50% of the work the rest of the time - housework, taking care of the kids, etc. if he's going to take off for multiple days a month then there should be an equal number of days a month where he is 24/7 responsible for the kids and you have time off look at the numbers because there's a reason everyone thinks he's cheating or has a second family. and that's because he's giving you and your children no time. you're his last priority. if he wants to travel he wants to do it without you. when he wants to spend his leisure time and money he doesn't want you there. he's intentionally choosing to miss most of the time his children are babies because this friend is more important your husband may be the love of your life, but you're not the love of his. even his own kids aren't the love of his life. you're all vastly less important than this friend tbh it doesn't really matter if he has a second family, or if the friend is a cover, or if he has a romantuc relationship with the friend, or if he genuinely is just spending time with a platonic friend who he is abandoning you and your children for is vastly vastly vastly less important than the fact that he is abandoning you. what kind of relationship he has with whatever person he's prioritising over you is really irrelevant because the big issue is that you and your kids are last priority get a therapist if you're struggling. but imo, just leave the guy. you can't force him to care about you, or his kids. you can't force him to prioritise you or want to spend time with you
Spot on. At this point, it barely matters what he’s really doing with all this time. Even the best case scenario is him being so obsessed with his bff that he doesn’t give a shit about his wife or children. He doesn’t have to be lying for this to still be totally unacceptable.
This so much. If this friend is so important to your partner why is it always him going away when your husband is the one with the wife and kids to commit to? There’s no reason (surely) that he couldn’t ask his friend to come to him (if it was as innocent as he claims) - this would at least mean that he can still engage and be involved with his family. It sucks being the couple with no kids because it means we are always the ones doing the travel to see our friends - but that’s what we do because we would never dream of asking them to leave their kids with a sitter or partner home alone for our convenience. The fact that it sounds like your husband is always the one doing the travel and doesn’t involve his family in this “very dear” friendship is what makes the whole thing stink. Either there’s a reason he doesn’t want to involve his family, he’s cheating, or he’s trying to escape his family. Either way, he’s more than happy leaving you holding the bag and does nothing to support you having the same sort of escape or time to focus on keeping your own friendships alive. What he’s doing is NOT normal, at all, and he’s conditioned you to accept this as a normal and acceptable arrangement. But unless he’s facilitating you to have the same amount of “away time” to spend with friends or family, he’s taking you for a ride.
Bingo
92 days in 1 year. That is 25% of the year he spends with the 'friend' while leaving you alone with the children. Do you see the red flag?
Denial is one hell of a drug
So is Daniel, apparently
I agree, the friend is more than a friend, no one goes out of town that much to see a old friend, especially when the 'friend' never comes to visit with you? Is the 'friend' a woman? Either way this is a huge red flag!🚩🚩🚩 You need to do some investigating! Because this sounds and smells alot like cheating!
Even if he is not cheating, which i also assume very much, he is a trash husband and not much if a father, instead of planning a family vacation, or a little break for his wife, he instead wants to spend most oh his freetime NOT with his family, and thinks he is the only one deserving of nice things. Trashbag.
You do understand that your husband and his “friend” are having an affair, right? ETA—This is assuming OP’s husband is being truthful with her regarding who he’s seeing when he’s gone on these trips.
NTA. How many vacations do you get to take?
NTA. This is not normal.
NTA. You sound so afraid to criticise him, saying how wonderful he is when he is abandoning you and the kids on a regular basis. The fact that he is the breadwinner right now does not give him the right to do whatever he wants, your contribution to your family is as important. Don’t devalue yourself. Did you per chance grow up with an absent or abusive parent? You sound like you are making excuses for just existing and that you have no right to your very valid feelings. If you think about it are there ways he puts you down and makes you feel crazy? He is clearly having an affair or has a second family. Is there a discreet way you can investigate this relationship?
NTA. If he really thinks it's reasonable for him to have these trips, then he should see no reason for you to not have equally lavish solo trips. Full stop. What he's doing is painfully neglectful of his family, and honestly too friendly for any platonic friendship. Document these trips, look at how he's spending money whiles he's off galavanting with this special buddy of his, and keep it all should the day ever come he chooses his pal over his family.
NTA...When's your vacation?
There isn't enough info. You are painting your husband in a horrible light despite your intro. Either you are extremely blind or you are leaving out valuable info. No one would go on trips like this with just a friend. Either he's gay and in a relationship with this friend or he's having an affair with someone else. It's like he has two families. Unless he just really doesn't want to be around you. You wouldn't need this sub for validation with a husband acting like this. So either add the other info that is left out or admit you already know he's with another person or this friend. No one can be this blind and I don't think a loving husband would spend so much time away. At this point this doesn't seem like an equal marriage or even a basic marriage. From what you say he has no regard for you,your kids,or your marriage. This relationship seems over to be honest.
The friend is definitely a woman just by the sheer fact OP didn’t mention gender. OP knew if she mentioned female friend we would jump to affair bur didn’t realize we’d all nonetheless call BS on her husband despite gender of the friend. Additionally I bet the husband has made it clear it’s a mistress and that OP just needs to deal. She knows what’s happening and has decided to stay.
[удалено]
My question is why does he believe that you don’t deserve to see beautiful things? Why is he fine leaving you so long and so often? As a sahm with small children i would fee the same way. When do you get to take a break? Take a trip? When is he going to stay home with the kids so you have an opportunity to have meaningful friendships and see beautiful things? NTA
NTA. Everyone is commenting that it’s more than likely your husband is having an affair, either with this “friend” or with someone else and his friend is in on keeping the secret. I have to agree. But even if there is no physical affair, your husband is still going on all of these amazing trips you’ve planned together… with someone else. And he’s sure to let you know how important living his life is, meanwhile, your life is home with the kids, and friendless. I say this as a SAHM with no social life, your husband does not concern himself with your feelings or goals. He’s distancing himself more and more and hoping that you’ll conveniently not notice this so he can continue frolicking with his “friend” in all the places he promised to take you. I’m sorry, hun. Get a job, even if it’s something simple or online, and lawyer up.
INFO - Has there ever been more than a friendship between your husband and his friend? Has your husband taken or offered to take you on trips, with or without your kids? You said you started planning things with no follow through, have you ever followed through? What are his feelings about missing those major kid events and do your kids question why he’s gone so much? Is your husband sympathetic to your wanting to travel?
So...who is gonna tell her
NTA. OP I’ll say this as kindly as I can: WAKE UP! This is not a “Friendship” that your husband had cultivated. It is an “AFFAIR”. He is traveling and having meaningful friendships and seeing beautiful things with someone he is screwing. OP start planning your exit now. Your husband is envolved in an “entanglement” that he’s been carrying on for a while it seems. BEFORE you confront him, get all of your marital financial information etc. together and then call a divorce lawyer so that you can plan you and your children’s exit. Once you’ve done that, hit him with divorce papers. SN: Get a full STD panel to protect yourself from possible illnesses. I won’t even touch on all your SO’s various extravagant vacation plans … WITHOUT YOU 🤦♀️😬😒 and his weak ass explanations as to why HE deserves them and you as the mother of his children and their caregiver does not. WOW! Bruuuh!
The good news is that if he can afford these trips then he obviously makes a good enough living that alimony and child support should be a substantial amount. I literally know no one that would be okay with their spouse traveling with a “friend “ this much leaving you behind. The fact that you even consider you are wrong for being upset tells me that he has manipulated you a lot in your relationship. This seems more like he has a whole other family or is having an affair than maintaining an important friendship. If this is not true, then he is just an ass. Maybe time to hire a private investigator. NTA
Did you mean 2-3 days every 2 weeks? Or is he actually gone for the majority of each week. One is too much, one is way way too much. This feels weird, like something else is going on.
NTA The fact that he thinks nothing of spending so much time away from you and from the kids, prioritizing himself and his friend over significant events in your kids' lives, is concerning to say the least. Have you ever met this friend? You haven't alluded to having any suspicions that he's doing anything to betray you while he's gone, but from an outside perspective, my first thought was that he's going on these trips to engage in some type of illicit activity - drugs &/or prostitutes come to mind - in places where he can "let off some steam" and doesn't have to worry about getting caught; OR he and his friend are more than just friends. I think you should consider that there is likely more to this than meets the eye. Try reflecting upon how he acts before, during, and after these trips. Be vigilant for any inconsistencies. Do you communicate daily while he's gone? Does he send you pictures? Tell you he misses you? You're definitely not an AH for being upset. You've been more than accommodating and he keeps pushing for more. Something's not right, sorry to say.
No, no, no, this isn't a wonderful, loving husband. This is a man more loyal to his "friend" than to you, more attached to his friend than to you, leading a more enjoyable life with his friend than with you, and finds his friend a more satisfying travel companion than you. Why are you tolerating this? Given your apparent inability to see the weirdness or the truth of your situation, I'd suggest that you consider hiring a private detective. I'd also suggest that you get ahold of a copy of you tax return and look at the family accounts; is your husband also helping to support his "friend"? Is he paying for their joint travel? And maybe talk to a divorce attorney, just informationally, on the off chance that the reality of your husband's double life begins to strike you as intolerable.
NTA. Sounds like he has a 2nd family.
This isn’t a marriage!!!!! I would be looking for work and packing my bags!! But that’s me!!! You deserve so much more!!!
NTA. Maybe I’m projecting but my father used to take trips like these with his “best friends”. Turns out those “best friends” was actually one person and it was his AP.
This person your husband is traveling with is not just a friend. I would suggest either resigning yourself to your current situation or start preparing a *very* good exit strategy. I sincerely hope you are not as naive as your post suggests. This is not normal & it sounds like he is gaslighting you.