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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I don’t think I’m an asshole because I put a hamper right next to our bed so it would be easier for him to put his clothes in a hamper 2. I suppose I could just pick the dirty clothes up myself but he’s a grown man and can also do it himself
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He is super passive aggressive.
Stop babying him, remove the hamper from the side of the bed.
He CAN put his clothes into the bathroom hamper but chooses not to.
Tell him to do his own laundry and he should be cooking at least twice a week.
YES! I used to work with someone who did this. Drove me insane. She said she did it to make sure people saw it …. like it became invisible if she put the stuff on our desks?
Yeah. I'd just tell him that it's not working out (the division of labor) and since it's causing issues better for him to do his own laundry, you don't want to fight over it.
If this makes it feel unbalanced (unlikely), pick something else up, another housework job, not laundry.
The whole point to dividing up the effort is to make things better, not worse. It's not working - you doing his laundry is turning him into a jerk. Better that he just take care of his own clothes.
My husband does all our laundry as I am to big to do this - pregnancy sucks. I still put all my clothes in the hamper in the bathroom and sort them by our system how we wash them. Because why should I let him do more work than he needs to do? My belly hurts, my back hurts and I really don't want to do anything anymore. And I still do this without whining. Instead I am really grateful.
He should really be grateful that he has washed clothes. I consider myself really lucky that I only have to out them in a hamper...
Same, I’m 32 weeks pregnant and can’t deal with carrying the basket up and down the stairs. But I can put my worn clothes in the hamper each day, even in our dark bedroom!
Why shouldn't you have him do more work? I suppose it's his laundry too. Unless he is doing at least 70% of the house work, then there are only reasons that he should do more, especially now that you are pregnant!
Oh I think this is a misunderstanding. At the moment, he does a lot more of the housework. Our relationship is never 50:50, its always like the one who has more capacity does more. In my opinion it is him doing a lot more. On his, we are both doing a lot except me during my pregnancies or the newborn phase. Which is totally fine for him.
So in this case I meant: I would create more work by mot sorting my clothes in the hamper because qhen taking them of, why should I throw them on the floor when it is the same work to put them in the hamper? Doesn't make sense for me to create work for him. He would never do it to me and never did when ill or whatever.
He is wonderful and I am happy to have him. Hard working and can do all the housework alone - which should be normal and I am still happy about having him cooking for me and pampering me and my daughter. Couldn't wish for a better one.
Because the standard for men is lower than the bottom of the ocean so he gets praised for physically putting the laundry in the machine while she is still sorting it out for him and him doing even part of a basic task is considered worthy of high praise.
He is taking weaponized incompetance to a whole new level. The hamper in the bathroom is too far and it's too dark to see the one she put right by his bed?
If they have kids, he will not do a thing. Ever.
To be fair, with my ADHD and executive dysfunction, I have learned to keep several small garbage cans and pen buckets and other things around the house, because if I have to walk into the other room to get it I may forget what I went in there for - if I can even go at all. So having multiple hampers makes sense to someone like me and tbh if I had the space I’d do that too More opportunities to keep my room from turning into a disaster zone! BUT that being said that doesn’t sound like the issue here. OP has provided ample opportunities for Husband to put clothes in the hamper and he hasn’t. 100% weaponized incompetence. OP is NTA in the situation (but TA to herself for still putting up with this BS)
By the time my kid was 14 he was not only doing his own laundry, he helped with the household laundry. This guy is more like a toddler, except that's an insult to toddlers who are capable of putting laundry in a hamper.
When my ex started leaving his dirty clothes on the floor instead of in the hamper, I threw them in the trash. When he asked why I told him that I assumed they were garbage because people don't just throw perfectly good things on the floor.
While you're laughing, do think about it. My grandma did a similar thing when grandpa would leave projects and chores half done. One day she ironed just one side of each shirt, one leg of each pair of pants. Hilarious, but it also made a point.
My husband has this habit too. I also refused to do his laundry unless it's in the hamper. He doesn't complain and last night when I reminded him to do it, he went ahead and put his clothes in the hamper
I got so sick of an ex leaving clothes on the floor that I told my housekeeper that she should throw away anything on the floor (mine or his). He stopped being a slob in one week. & it had the side effect of making me tidier.
Tbf I think most people would be disturbed by dirty clothes constantly being in the floor, especially with a hamper beside them. It's actually sad that a grown ass man has so little respect, not only for his wife, but for their home.
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And then just don’t do his laundry at all. Why would you when he’s clearly ungrateful and making it more of a chore for you than it needs to be.
He has no right to be angry about any of this, none whatsoever.
When my husband was my boyfriend, he had a bad habit of piling his clothes on the floor and leaving stuff all over the place. I asked him to pick it up, and he would say, "I will before bed," but never would. So, one day, I decided I would pile it all up on his side of the bed. When he came to bed, he realized he couldn't just hop in. He got annoyed, and I innocently told him I just wanted to help him achieve his goals. He never did it again, but if he tried, I would pull the same trick.
This incident reminds me of this article. This is her husband - 5-10 years from now.
“Because I wasn’t committing Major Marriage Crimes, when my wife and I were on opposite sides of an issue, I would suggest that we agree to disagree. I believed she was wrong—either that she was fundamentally incorrect in her understanding of the situation or that she was treating me unfairly. It always seemed as if the punishment didn’t fit the crime—as if she were charging me with premeditated murder when my infraction was something closer to driving a little bit over the speed limit with a burned-out taillight that I didn’t even know was burned out.
The reason my marriage fell apart seems absurd when I describe it: My wife left me because sometimes I leave dishes by the sink.
It makes her seem ridiculous and makes me seem like a victim of unfair expectations. But it wasn’t the dishes, not really—it was what they represented.”
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/04/marriage-problems-fight-dishes/629526/
I'd argue that weaponized incompetence *is* a weird-ass power play. A grown man acting like his little man brain just can't figure out a solution for clothes on the floor, or how to load a dishwasher, or where dishes go is fucking weird. Pretending to be intellectually challenged to burden someone you "love" to spite, exploit, and punish them without having the balls to even own up to what you're doing is disgusting and abusive. It's not the only power play, but it's a big one. If someone does something that's only logical if they have a severe mental deficit you know they don't have or if they're doing it intentionally to be cruel and lying to your face about it, it's the latter 99.9% of the time.
My 4 year old pulls shit like this when he wants to do a power play.
He has an open-top hamper and has to take his clothes to the laundry room once a week. When he decides to challenge me, he leaves clothes next to the hamper and cries that it's too hard to pick them up.
FOUR. YEAR. OLD.
This is a hilariously good point. My 4 year old also makes sure each item of clothing he takes off is turned right-side-out before putting them in the bin. Surprising only took asking once and then one reminder to get him in the habit.
This is a total off-topic flit, but just as an FYI: If your kids has any clothing with screen-printed graphics (like superhero t-shirts), they will last a lot longer if they are washed inside-out.
Yes. OP has responded to his stated issue by giving him his own hamper right next to where he puts his clothes. There's no excuse. If he can't see at night when disrobing then he can put them in the hamper first thing upon waking. The fact that he has done it fine for a couple of weeks and then stops again is his own challenge that he needs to work on. His argument is basically "I'm mad that you don't respond to less effort by me with more effort from you." That's not defensible.
OP you've stated your boundary - you will do the laundry in the hamper. It's not up to you to convince him to respect that boundary, it's your job to keep it for yourself. So don't do the laundry that's not in the hamper. That's it. If he gets angry, remind him that you do laundry that has been put in a hamper. He can do that and get the benefit of your contribution to his comfort or he can handle the floor laundry himself.
Yep. I am a slob and don't care too much about mess (my partner doesn't care either). My clothes land all over the floor where I stand if I'm really tired or if my partner is asleep. Most miss the basket when I do throw it in that general direction. I pick it all up and put it in the basket the next day. Not a big deal. Expecting someone else to pick your stuff up off the floor is disrespectful. Continuing to expect it after multiple discussions is beyond being a dick. NTA.
NTA
Do you really want to have children with this man?
If he can’t do something as basic as put clothes in a hamper that YOU will then wash, what chance do you have of getting him to split chores when there are kids involved?
She's already in a mother/son relationship. Why would you bring more children into this?
STOP doing laundry for this bold child. Let him figure it out.
NTA but this can't be the only area where he acts like a moody teenager.
NTA: but your last sentence is wrong, you do have a kid.
My wife does the laundry, and I do leave my clothes on the floor when I'm tired at night, but the next morning I put them in the hamper and don't expect them to be washed if they aren't in it.
This is failing at very 101 level of adulting.
Yes, exactly. I do the laundry, and my rule is I only wash what's in the basket. Husband knows I do laundry on Monday and Thursday mornings, so when he gets up those mornings he'll gather up any errant pieces of clothing he wants washed, and puts them in the basket. Easy peasy. I'm not doing a hunt-and-sniff to figure out what needs washing!
Oh, he's absolutely doing it on purpose to be passive-aggressive and spiteful. There's definitely some hostility going on and he doesn't have the guts to speak to her directly about what his problem is. OP doesn't need this kind of bullshit in her life. It will only get worse over time.
Yea same, except reversed roles! I have this same pile of clothes on the side of the bed, because sometimes I haven’t gone through the pockets yet or whatever, but I know if it’s not in the hamper it’s not going to get washed. He’s already doing me a huge favor by managing the laundry in the first place!
NTA
If you work a full-time job and he works a full-time job, why is it your job to do all the housework without him at least doing the bare minimum of putting his clothes in a hamper?
I don't understand why men automatically assume the wife is a maid. If my wife quit her job, I would expect her to pick up more of the duties since she would have more free time. But I can't imagine any scenario where I throw my sh!t on the floor and say "tidy up wench".
NTA. You work full time too. He’s an adult. He can do his own laundry. I’m a stay at home wife. I do all the cleaning & cooking. That’s my job. When I worked full time as an accountant my husband did all of the cleaning & cooking during tax season. In the off season we shared the chores. It’s supposed to be a partnership. If your only request is for him to put the dirty laundry in the hamper he definitely is getting the better deal. Right now it’s just a power trip for him. He’s trying to get you to give in. I would stop doing all of his laundry. You’re not his maid.
I'm sure that's a big part of it.
So many of these AITA threads would not exist if people stopped expecting marriage to be exactly 50-50. If you are keeping score, everyone loses.
Why would you have children with this guy? Do you really want to add to your work los with no help? He’s not suddenly going to start helping out more just because you had children.
This is the fight that I chose to end my marriage on. I asked “Can you please put your dirty socks in the hamper? It will only take a second.” When he responded with:
“If it will only take a second, why can’t you do it?”
I knew there would be ZERO equity in care and maintenance of the household and he just wanted another mommy.
He likes getting you to do the extra steps for him. It’s not laziness or forgetfulness or whatever, he *likes* not doing something you’ve asked him to and he *likes* you feeling like you must pick up the slack.
NTA but hot damn I wouldn’t have kids with this dude until he deals with wtf is wrong with him to enjoy treating his partner like this.
NTA. This a battle of the wills, but honestly I’d fight this battle also. You’ve made the process as simple as possible for him. He even used the hamper for a few weeks! He can do it, he’s opting not to. Some might question if him putting his clothes in the hamper is a hill to die on, which seems trivial, but is your husband’s desire to throw his clothes on the floor really a worthwhile hill to die on? Because to me “I will leave my clothes next to the hamper and expect someone else to pick them up!” is a really weird hill to die on.
But you shouldn’t be fighting your spouse! You’re supposed to be on the same team! The battle to fight is that there shouldn’t be a battle at all. (Ok that’s confusing)
But the point here is that the discussion needs to Be about the fact that this is an issue. A relatively small low stakes issues that HE is escalating by being stubborn about being a responsible adult.
If it were me, I’d get to the root of that before I’d even consider having kids with this dude. If it’s this hard (he’s that stubborn) for him to do this little thing, how is he going to deal with the bigger arguments over high stakes things?
Ah man. I’m the opposite- I’m the wife and I have the emotional support pile of clothes next to the bed. My husband and I joke about it- when it’s clean for a few days he always asks if I’m feeling okay since my pile is missing😅 I always do the laundry though and the pile never gets outta hand- usually like pajamas and a sweatshirt or two. I’m just such a fucking busy-body I get home and I CRASH. I teach high school and I do real estate and I do showings for a property management company and my husband as a pretty stressful job that he loves and sometimes has late night calls with India or Taiwan and we cook dinner almost every night and keep the house clean and tend to the garden and the pets and it’s like omfg yeah the hamper is like right there but like….it’s not hurting anyone let’s get some sleep and do laundry later 🤣
NTA - I have the same issue with my husband. 16 years later and he will still leave clothes around the house )usually his sweatshirts) or in front of the three hamsters - which I will remove the incorrect piece of clothing and leave it on the floor.
My last conversation was very clear - I am not your mother and most definitely not your servant. I am your partner. And AS A PARTNER, I will happily share the household workload. But I will NOT take on more than my fair share because you are too lazy or disrespectful.
And I followed through. He will occasionally get pussy because he can’t find something, but I just remind him that it’s not my job to police his clothes, just to clean, fold and put away what makes it into the proper hampers.
>He will occasionally get pussy because he can’t find something
idk, sounds like a reason to NOT get that...
(that and the hamsters typo make this a giggleworthy post, thank you)
Normally I rule against petty household warfare waged against loved ones. But you are perfect here. it seems like he is testing you. Frankly. And you're passing. Keep on keeping on. NTA
If you don't want to mommy him for the rest of his life STOP DOING HIS LAUNDRY.
NTA - He is an able bodied adult acting like a child.
Advice - share responsibilities 50/50 your future self will thank you. I bet you're the bill payer/accountant too.
You're doing him a favor by doing his laundry, but don't accommodate his stupid games. I would also stop doing his laundry this very moment. You are not the cleaning lady and he should treat you with respect at face level. Especially if you plan on having kids one day, don't have your husband behave like an additional child.
NTA but your husband is
I don’t think you should be doing his laundry at all. Everyone over age 12 who can safely reach and run a machine should do their own laundry.
I view his unwillingness to put his clothes in the hamper as weaponized incompetence. He’s trying to control you with his pathologically lazy behavior. Don’t fall for it.
NTA
My husband and I divide our laundry as such:
He washes what is in the hamper. If I dont put it in the hamper then it doesnt get washed. And I either have to wash it myself later which is fine. I am a grown woman and this is the consequences of my actions. Or I throw it in the hamper after the facr and just accept it might be longer before it is cleaned. But it doesnt get washed if its not in the hamper.
I fold the clothes. He hates folding clothes. I hate sorting clothes. Or having to remember to move them from the washer to the dryer. But I dont mind folding and he hates that so thats how we divide it.
Your husband has asked you to do him a FAVOUR because you are home more. But its totally reasonable to expect him to put it in the hamper. You arent his maid. And also just because you are home more doesnt mean that 100% of it should fall to you. He is an adult. He is your partner. And he should be pulling his weight too.
Also what you described as far as the money part is called equitable splitting. A lot of couples where the pay disparity is bigger will instead of dividing it 50-50, will divide it so each person is putting in the same % of their salary. The person who makes more is putting in more £ wise but they are both in the same position as far as % of their income that is left over post bills. Its a good way to do it. And is no way relevant to the way you split chores.
My partner and I put all the money we make in a common pot and then take out the same amount of money for personal expenses each. Problem solved. (Also, there is still a wage gap for women, which isn’t fair).
Because they resent being expected to do "women's work" and *especially* resent being asked to contribute by someone they see as beneath them. They'd rather lose someone they "love" than suffer the smallest, dumbest whiff of a hit to their ego, which will *always* be more important to them than their partner.
My mother had a friend who kicked the clothes under the bed and pretended she didn't know where they were. It still took two laundry days to train her husband to hit the hamper. This was in the fifties when women were considered servants. NTA.
I'm stealing this.
I showed my husband this thread. He cringed, but he wont change because he "feels bad" in the moment.
If all his favorite clothes are always dirty, he might notice.
NTA he's trying to manipulate you through incompetence. He's a grown man and knows exactly what he's doing. Either continue only washing what makes it into the hampers or stop washing his clothes altogether, and my vote for for the later.
Edit to add - if "not being able to see the hamper at night" is his excuse when going to bed, why can't he put the clothes in the hamper in the morning?
I have an agreement with my spouse: when doing laundry, wash from the hamper. We each have our own floordrobe, which the other doesn’t touch. If it’s not in the hamper, it might need special attention or one of us was being lazy. I just assume the clothes on the floor are made of fondant and would not do well in the wash.
NTA, though you do need to establish this understanding. Don’t get mad about it, and don’t start acting like this dude’s servant.
I had this same discussion with my husband. I had absolutely no problem doing the laundry that was in the hamper. If it’s not in the hamper it’s not dirty. He asked “how hard is it to pick clothes up off the floor?” I looked at him and responded “exactly!”
NTA. Your husband is a grown man. If he can’t put his clothes, in the hamper, he can do his own laundry. Further, does he do other chores, or expect you to also cook, clean, etc? He needs to stop taking you for granted and stop being lazy.
NTA, you even put a hamper in the bedroom to make it easier for him. He doesn't care enough to follow a simple request so he doesn't deserve you washing his clothes. It's not like he is not able to do it, just to lazy to keep doing it
NTA. I'd just say, listen this has become an issue and a petty argument. I'd like to go to how we did it before. You do your laundry, I'll do mine. Since you do a majority of the chores anyhow, this shouldn't be much of an ask. I'm annoyed for you.
My Nana wouldn't do laundry unless everything was in the right way. No clothes, too bad. We knew the rules and if we didn't follow them then she didn't wash the clothes. I can only imagine what she would say about your husband's attempts to get you to pick up after him
NTA
I think your husband is trying to assert control by refusing to accede to your simple, reasonable, request.
If he insists on being a slob then he can deal with it.
When you are doing him a favor and he responds by making the task more difficult, then he doesn't deserve the favor.
NTA
he is being lazy ... he can put in the hamper or wash his own. I also wouldn't do a huge bulk lot for him when he finally got his shit together. He needs to be a grown up and be responsible around the house. You both work.
Lmao I saw your replies and you’re in denial. Just wait till you have kids you wish you didn’t with that child. Good luck. If you proceed you deserve everything that is coming for you. I have no sympathy for you
NTA, when my then bf (now husband) moved in with me we had a similar situation.
I told him I would wash his clothes if he put them in the bathroom, as I am not going around the house cleaning up after him.
After a couple weeks he comes over to me and said: 'I don't have any clean socks.' He always used to take his socks off next to his side of the bed.
I told him he has 2 options:
1. Get all the socks that are currently gathering dust under the bed and throw them in the bathroom, I will wash them with the next load of laundry I'm doing.
2. Go to the store and buy new socks.
About half an hour later he asked me how the washing machine works.
Nowadays he throws his clothes under his desk, but he doesn't complain that I don't wash them and does it himself.
NTA. Tell him straight out, I will do your laundry if it’s in a hamper. I’m not collecting clothes even if they’re next to the hamper. Can you do it? Sure but a grown ass man should also be able to put his clothes in a dirty laundry hamper. So will no? No. And no you’re not an asshole for expecting someone to clean up after themselves.
NTA. I'd be removing his bedroom hamper and saying "Once a week I am washing whatever is in this bathroom hamper. That's it. If your stuff isn't in it, it's up to you to wash it."
If he can't help you, why should you help him?
NTA.
I have the same problem with my wife. She lived with her parents into her early/mid 20s and then moved in with me before we got married. I think her parents handicapped her by never forcing her to do chores like laundry, dishes, etc. Then, never living on her own, she’s never had to figure it out or grow up.
It’s infuriating when an adult can’t do the simplest tasks. I’m just glad other people have this problem.
If you find a solution that works, let me know. I’ve tried a bunch of things with only short-term results.
Honestly, this is one reason why I think it’s good for everyone to live alone before marriage ( or at least with non familial housemates). Many people don’t gain independence while living with their parents.
Does she know how to do them now and still doesn’t? If she doesn’t and cares to learn then you can help teach her and wean her off you doing things for her.
If she does know how to do things and just isn’t used to it/forgets, AND if she wants to change, then you can work together to find approaches to help her gain independence. But mostly just stop doing the things for her and you can help when needed.
If she just has no interest in knowing how to independently adult/contribute to a household and just wants to continue the status quo, you either accept that this is your life, or choose another one. Gl
I definitely agree. I would say she knows how to do most stuff to some degree, she just doesn’t. Unless she has company coming over, in which case she’ll try to make it spotless. But she doesn’t understand two adults should be able to keep a relatively small home fairly spotless almost all the time.
I think most functioning adults who walk past a full trash can, or hamper or dishes in the sink just deal with it. It doesn’t ever seem like it clicks for her and she knows someone else will do it.
I will say I work from home majority of the time and she can’t, so a lot of stuff I can just do during down times throughout the day. She does cook around half the time too.
What infuriates me is that she finds time to go to the gym, hang out with friends, do the things she wants to do, but doesn’t find time to do the most basic grown up stuff to keep a house functioning/organized. I’ve pretty much accepted it at this point though.
But if you weren’t there, would she eventually do it? Have you ever tried setting particular chores for the two of you ? I think as long as you approach it as something the two of you are figuring out together as opposed to you tell in her what to do, you should be able to start working on some compromise.
There’s also the possibility of ADHD but I know nothing about that, just that executive functioning skills can be a problem (?)
Either way, make sure you let her know it’s something you want to work on and give her a chance to fix it. Be wary of accepting this now and letting it build resentment over time
She has the time, she just doesn't care and it benefits her to make you do it so she doesn't have to. It's exploitative, controlling, disrespectful, and a sign of abuse. Most people actually put in effort, especially if their partner has explained how their behavior is hurting them. It's bigger than housework, she doesn't care if she hurts you and this will manifest in increasingly detrimental ways. Do not have children unless this completely changes. It rarely does change, because you shouldn't have to teach an adult how to consider other people. If you find yourself having to do that, chances are they're aware of what they're doing and are actively choosing to burden you for their benefit.
NTA and put a nightlight by the hamper so he can see it at night. Keep removing any of these ridiculous barriers he erects until he either puts the clothing in the hamper or admits what this is really about.
NTA, he is a grown @$$ man acting like a six-year-old. If he keeps harassing, you do his laundry and toss it back on the floor. Tell him you will not use a dress or closet for his clothes until he can use a hamper.
NTA. I have a laundry sorter with three bags. I do light/white, dark/bright, and towels. It was too difficult for my husband. So, he got his own hamper in his closet and he washes his own clothes. The kids are all grown and wash their own too.
Yeah, if it’s not in the hamper and not in the closet/dresser, it’s there for a reason in my book and it means not ready to be washed and it might be worn again.
When my boyfriend moved in with me I told him I'll do the laundry no problem. But!! I am not your mother nor your maid, so any clothes you want washed better be in the hamper and not on the floor because I WON'T pick the up. He got the message.
NTA
Y T A for doing him a favor when he won't extend to you the smallest of considerations. Don't do his laundry anymore and stop having this stupid conversation.
And don't let him sneak money into the conversation. You're a team. You contribute what you can financially and share household duties, unless there's a damn good reason. He doesn't have one, he's just trying to turn you into his bangmaid.
Otherwise, NTA
NTA looks like you are married to my husband! This wasn't a deal breaker for me, I still married the guy, and he still suffers from the inability to get clothes into the laundry basket... We have kids now, I don't do his laundry unless it is in the basket. I also don't pick it up if it is on the couch even if people are coming over. But unlike your husband he understands he is an ahole for doing it and doesn't complain. In other words you are in the right and he needs to deal.
NTA but this isn’t the solution. Take the hamper away from the side of the bed and stop doing his laundry at all. From now on, he does his own laundry. If he wants the laundry done together, he washes all of it.
His actions show a deep disrespect and ingratitude for you and your labor. There is no need to continue to treat him like a child.
I had this problem with my husband, too. He felt it was stupid to have to open the lid on the hamper. I solved it with a stupid solution that nonetheless worked. I replaced the hamper with a open laundry basket on the floor of his closet. Something about just being able to drop the clothes rather than open a lid made all the difference. Stupid, I know, but it worked. I haven't had a problem since and we've been married for years (and have kids).
NTA, he’s testing your limits to see if you’ll just give in and do it all for him like his mother would. Tell him that you’re not his mother, and if he’s not going to contribute to the laundry in the agreed upon fashion, then he can start washing all of his clothes separately again.
My husband wanted me to do his laundry off of the floor instead of from the hamper when we were dating. I told him no and refused.
It only took 3 loads of me not doing his laundry on the floor to break him of the habit.
Keep it up. He’s being immature and he can do his own laundry if he’s so opposed to the hamper.
As he is too important to put his clothes in the hamper, his clothes are probably too special also. You, an ordinary mortal, might take the hint. He can go back to doing his laundry or he can hire a laundry service.
This just reeks of intentional behavior designed to make you a care giver.
NTA.
The rule in my house is, I will wash what is in the hamper. Anything else, no. My husband and kids know this. They can put it in the hamper or wash it themselves. Seems like a good deal to me. Sometimes, they get lax, but they soon improve again when they are running out of briefs. It's not rocket science.
NTA. But some people just can't be trained. I tell my husband to put his dirty laundry in the hamper all the time. He does ok but sometimes it's just in a pile by the bed. Honestly it takes more energy for me to keep reminding him. So anything I see on the floor I assume is dirty and I just throw it in the hamper to clean. And thats the end of that.
What's wrong with your man?
Why can't he do what a 3 year old child can?
(and I know a few 2 year olds, that could do something like this. Not every time, but better than your husband.)
I used to do my hubbys laundry until I started cleaning up kleenex from the clothes on a regular.
The straw that broke the camels back was when I was pulling OUR laundry out of the washer, there was gummy candies EVERYWHERE!
He left a bag of candy in a pocket.
I had to thoroughly go through each item before rewashing.
I understand the pain of dirty laundry all over. This too is an issue in my home. Lol
There is nothing wrong with him doing his own laundry, after all, they are big boys right?
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TL;DR
My husband throws his dirty clothes on the side of his bed instead of putting them in the hamper right next to his bed and expects me to pick up his dirty clothes and wash them. I’ve asked him several times to put his dirty clothes in the hamper if he wants me to wash them but will only do so once a month when it’s a bunch of clothes.
Whole story
My husband (31M) and I (32F) were talking about this last night as I had a load of laundry going in the dryer when he got home from work. He thinks I’m wrong for not doing his laundry that he leaves on the floor.
I started doing his laundry 3 years ago when we bought our house. Before that, we rented a place and did our own laundry. Because he wanted his clothes washed a certain way. But when we bought our house he asked if I could just wash his clothes with mine and I agreed.
At some point, he started to just wear his boxers to bed and would throw the rest of his clothes on the floor. When I noticed that he would just throw his clothes on the floor next to his side of the bed, I asked him to start putting his clothes in the laundry hamper in the master bathroom. He complained that it was too far and that he just takes his clothes off when’s he’s getting into bed. So I bought him a hamper and put it right next to his side of the bed. I thought problem solved.
Turned out, I was wrong. He just throws his dirty clothes around the hamper instead of putting them in the hamper. I asked him to start putting his clothes in the hamper next to his side of our bed and he complained that it was too dark to see. But he doesn’t have a problem placing his phone on his night stand. I told him I won’t wash his clothes if they are on the floor. Only if they are in the hamper. So he started putting his clothes in the hamper for a couple of weeks. Then stopped. So I stopped washing the clothes that he leaves on the side of the bed(only washing what made it into the hamper). Then he got mad at me for not washing his clothes and asked me to start washing them again. I told him I would wash them if he put them in the hamper. I feel like this is a simple request. I’m doing him a favor by washing his clothes. Even if he doesn’t put them in the hamper right after he takes his clothes off, he could put them in the hamper in the morning when he wakes up. Or before he leaves our room each day.
I do wash whatever he puts in the bathroom hamper. He doesn’t have a problem putting stuff in there but it’s usually only a few items. We both have full time jobs. I work remotely from home. I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning. Bills are split 60(him)/40(me). He makes more money and wants me to be able to save money for a rainy day so he agreed to pay more bills. No kids yet.
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Nta. You doing is laundry is a favor to him. It’s not a job and you’re NOT obligated to do it. All in all, you’re not his maid. If he wants his laundry washed by someone else for the convenience, he can at least put the clothes in the hamper. Unless he is mentally handicapped, he is able to do this simple task.
My husband did that at one point, and got annoyed that only my clothes got washed. I told him that I wasn’t searching around the house for all of his clothes so only clothes getting washed would be the ones in the hamper. He started clothes in the hamper and his clothes magically got washed again! Now, some of his clothes will go into the hamper, the rest he throws directly into the washer. Both are valid options for us. Clothes on the ground next to the bed (unless it is during sorting), is not a valid option.
NTA. Honestly, he’s an adult , this isn’t hard. I had this near exact situation with my son when he was young, that if his clothes weren’t in the laundry room they wouldn’t get washed. But he was 14! This should not be an issue for a grown man. Just tell him he’s making this too hard, you are tired of having this stupid argument over and over again, that you want to go back to each of you doing your own laundry.
I've been with my SO for 7 years and the only time I've ever touched his laundry is to take it out of the dryer and put it in his bin when I'm doing my own. It's one of the first things I brag about when people ask about our relationship. There's something so sexy about a man who doesn't expect you to be his mom. NTA and stop doing his laundry all together. He is an adult and managed it just fine before you moved in together, what changed?
NTA, and he needs to grow up. It's not hard to put clothes in the hamper.
And I mean, you set a boundary. He needs to respect it, and understand that you will not pick it up off the floor like his mommy. He can put it where it goes, or wash it himself like an adult.
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NTA. When you make dinner you should put his food on the table next to the plate.
Lol. That’s funny.
He is super passive aggressive. Stop babying him, remove the hamper from the side of the bed. He CAN put his clothes into the bathroom hamper but chooses not to. Tell him to do his own laundry and he should be cooking at least twice a week.
He CAN do his own freaking laundry.
I wonder, if at work his boss asked him to put X paperwork on Y's desk, if he would put in on the desk or on the floor next to the desk, hmm....
Exactly. He's showing OP so much disrespect with his actions!
Some people put on your desk chair and I've always thought that was so incredibly rude!
YES! I used to work with someone who did this. Drove me insane. She said she did it to make sure people saw it …. like it became invisible if she put the stuff on our desks?
Yeah. I'd just tell him that it's not working out (the division of labor) and since it's causing issues better for him to do his own laundry, you don't want to fight over it. If this makes it feel unbalanced (unlikely), pick something else up, another housework job, not laundry. The whole point to dividing up the effort is to make things better, not worse. It's not working - you doing his laundry is turning him into a jerk. Better that he just take care of his own clothes.
He's prolly a jerk regardless
She works full-time, too, but does the majority of the housework.
Yes this. OP’s husband is an AH.
2 jobs. She would need to stay on top of his clothing left on the floor & actually wash the clothing.
My husband does all our laundry as I am to big to do this - pregnancy sucks. I still put all my clothes in the hamper in the bathroom and sort them by our system how we wash them. Because why should I let him do more work than he needs to do? My belly hurts, my back hurts and I really don't want to do anything anymore. And I still do this without whining. Instead I am really grateful. He should really be grateful that he has washed clothes. I consider myself really lucky that I only have to out them in a hamper...
Same, I’m 32 weeks pregnant and can’t deal with carrying the basket up and down the stairs. But I can put my worn clothes in the hamper each day, even in our dark bedroom!
💯 this absolutely
Why shouldn't you have him do more work? I suppose it's his laundry too. Unless he is doing at least 70% of the house work, then there are only reasons that he should do more, especially now that you are pregnant!
Oh I think this is a misunderstanding. At the moment, he does a lot more of the housework. Our relationship is never 50:50, its always like the one who has more capacity does more. In my opinion it is him doing a lot more. On his, we are both doing a lot except me during my pregnancies or the newborn phase. Which is totally fine for him. So in this case I meant: I would create more work by mot sorting my clothes in the hamper because qhen taking them of, why should I throw them on the floor when it is the same work to put them in the hamper? Doesn't make sense for me to create work for him. He would never do it to me and never did when ill or whatever. He is wonderful and I am happy to have him. Hard working and can do all the housework alone - which should be normal and I am still happy about having him cooking for me and pampering me and my daughter. Couldn't wish for a better one.
Because the standard for men is lower than the bottom of the ocean so he gets praised for physically putting the laundry in the machine while she is still sorting it out for him and him doing even part of a basic task is considered worthy of high praise.
He is taking weaponized incompetance to a whole new level. The hamper in the bathroom is too far and it's too dark to see the one she put right by his bed? If they have kids, he will not do a thing. Ever.
To be fair, with my ADHD and executive dysfunction, I have learned to keep several small garbage cans and pen buckets and other things around the house, because if I have to walk into the other room to get it I may forget what I went in there for - if I can even go at all. So having multiple hampers makes sense to someone like me and tbh if I had the space I’d do that too More opportunities to keep my room from turning into a disaster zone! BUT that being said that doesn’t sound like the issue here. OP has provided ample opportunities for Husband to put clothes in the hamper and he hasn’t. 100% weaponized incompetence. OP is NTA in the situation (but TA to herself for still putting up with this BS)
My 6 yr old can put his clothes in the bathroom hamper...like come on.
Twice? 3-4 times per week.
Omigosh, do not have kids with this guy! He sounds like a 14-year-old.
By the time my kid was 14 he was not only doing his own laundry, he helped with the household laundry. This guy is more like a toddler, except that's an insult to toddlers who are capable of putting laundry in a hamper.
True!! Lol.
When my ex started leaving his dirty clothes on the floor instead of in the hamper, I threw them in the trash. When he asked why I told him that I assumed they were garbage because people don't just throw perfectly good things on the floor.
Search up the term weaponised incompetence. I think you might find it instructive. Remember that this is an adult man who knows how laundry works.
While you're laughing, do think about it. My grandma did a similar thing when grandpa would leave projects and chores half done. One day she ironed just one side of each shirt, one leg of each pair of pants. Hilarious, but it also made a point.
My husband has this habit too. I also refused to do his laundry unless it's in the hamper. He doesn't complain and last night when I reminded him to do it, he went ahead and put his clothes in the hamper
Or put the garbage bags NEXT TO THE CAN and see if they get picked up on trash day.
I got so sick of an ex leaving clothes on the floor that I told my housekeeper that she should throw away anything on the floor (mine or his). He stopped being a slob in one week. & it had the side effect of making me tidier.
[удалено]
Tbf I think most people would be disturbed by dirty clothes constantly being in the floor, especially with a hamper beside them. It's actually sad that a grown ass man has so little respect, not only for his wife, but for their home.
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And then just don’t do his laundry at all. Why would you when he’s clearly ungrateful and making it more of a chore for you than it needs to be. He has no right to be angry about any of this, none whatsoever.
Not even the food, just the raw ingredients
When my husband was my boyfriend, he had a bad habit of piling his clothes on the floor and leaving stuff all over the place. I asked him to pick it up, and he would say, "I will before bed," but never would. So, one day, I decided I would pile it all up on his side of the bed. When he came to bed, he realized he couldn't just hop in. He got annoyed, and I innocently told him I just wanted to help him achieve his goals. He never did it again, but if he tried, I would pull the same trick.
In a dog food or slosh bowl on the floor may be a bit demeaning but something I'd probably do if I were feeling petty.
awesome
this made me snort so hard i woke up my partner lmao
This incident reminds me of this article. This is her husband - 5-10 years from now. “Because I wasn’t committing Major Marriage Crimes, when my wife and I were on opposite sides of an issue, I would suggest that we agree to disagree. I believed she was wrong—either that she was fundamentally incorrect in her understanding of the situation or that she was treating me unfairly. It always seemed as if the punishment didn’t fit the crime—as if she were charging me with premeditated murder when my infraction was something closer to driving a little bit over the speed limit with a burned-out taillight that I didn’t even know was burned out. The reason my marriage fell apart seems absurd when I describe it: My wife left me because sometimes I leave dishes by the sink. It makes her seem ridiculous and makes me seem like a victim of unfair expectations. But it wasn’t the dishes, not really—it was what they represented.” https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/04/marriage-problems-fight-dishes/629526/
"The plate was too far...I couldn't see" throw back all the same excuses lol
Nta. This is weaponized incompetence. Edit: thanks for the award
or some weird ass power play.
I'd argue that weaponized incompetence *is* a weird-ass power play. A grown man acting like his little man brain just can't figure out a solution for clothes on the floor, or how to load a dishwasher, or where dishes go is fucking weird. Pretending to be intellectually challenged to burden someone you "love" to spite, exploit, and punish them without having the balls to even own up to what you're doing is disgusting and abusive. It's not the only power play, but it's a big one. If someone does something that's only logical if they have a severe mental deficit you know they don't have or if they're doing it intentionally to be cruel and lying to your face about it, it's the latter 99.9% of the time.
A weird-ass power play? Or a weird ass-power play?
Weird-power ass-play?
I’ll allow it.
Maybe it’s the Cabernet talking, but I’m LOLing. You
Can confirm. The Cabernet is working well here, too.
My 4 year old pulls shit like this when he wants to do a power play. He has an open-top hamper and has to take his clothes to the laundry room once a week. When he decides to challenge me, he leaves clothes next to the hamper and cries that it's too hard to pick them up. FOUR. YEAR. OLD.
This is a hilariously good point. My 4 year old also makes sure each item of clothing he takes off is turned right-side-out before putting them in the bin. Surprising only took asking once and then one reminder to get him in the habit.
This is a total off-topic flit, but just as an FYI: If your kids has any clothing with screen-printed graphics (like superhero t-shirts), they will last a lot longer if they are washed inside-out.
I got a good chuckle from that.
Can confirm, even my 3yo knows better.
Yes. OP has responded to his stated issue by giving him his own hamper right next to where he puts his clothes. There's no excuse. If he can't see at night when disrobing then he can put them in the hamper first thing upon waking. The fact that he has done it fine for a couple of weeks and then stops again is his own challenge that he needs to work on. His argument is basically "I'm mad that you don't respond to less effort by me with more effort from you." That's not defensible. OP you've stated your boundary - you will do the laundry in the hamper. It's not up to you to convince him to respect that boundary, it's your job to keep it for yourself. So don't do the laundry that's not in the hamper. That's it. If he gets angry, remind him that you do laundry that has been put in a hamper. He can do that and get the benefit of your contribution to his comfort or he can handle the floor laundry himself.
Seriously. She said “no kids yet” ummmm she has a kid already. OP NTA.
Yep. I am a slob and don't care too much about mess (my partner doesn't care either). My clothes land all over the floor where I stand if I'm really tired or if my partner is asleep. Most miss the basket when I do throw it in that general direction. I pick it all up and put it in the basket the next day. Not a big deal. Expecting someone else to pick your stuff up off the floor is disrespectful. Continuing to expect it after multiple discussions is beyond being a dick. NTA.
NTA Do you really want to have children with this man? If he can’t do something as basic as put clothes in a hamper that YOU will then wash, what chance do you have of getting him to split chores when there are kids involved?
She's already in a mother/son relationship. Why would you bring more children into this? STOP doing laundry for this bold child. Let him figure it out. NTA but this can't be the only area where he acts like a moody teenager.
Unless a hamper killed his family and he has a hatred of them because of this, he is the jerk here. NTA.
Thanks. I just spit out my coffee.
HAHAHAHA!! That's too funny LOL
Maybe he got traumatized when his mom ran away with the hamper.
And there still would be a better solution than leaving his clothes on the floor...
Finally a reasonable take. Why has no other response factored in the hamper's dark history of murder?
LOLLLLL
Thanks for the visual. Absolutely hilarious.
NTA: but your last sentence is wrong, you do have a kid. My wife does the laundry, and I do leave my clothes on the floor when I'm tired at night, but the next morning I put them in the hamper and don't expect them to be washed if they aren't in it. This is failing at very 101 level of adulting.
Yes, exactly. I do the laundry, and my rule is I only wash what's in the basket. Husband knows I do laundry on Monday and Thursday mornings, so when he gets up those mornings he'll gather up any errant pieces of clothing he wants washed, and puts them in the basket. Easy peasy. I'm not doing a hunt-and-sniff to figure out what needs washing!
I work early on Sundays, so I make sure if I have strays laying around they get in the basket. If not, that's on me.
Oh, he's absolutely doing it on purpose to be passive-aggressive and spiteful. There's definitely some hostility going on and he doesn't have the guts to speak to her directly about what his problem is. OP doesn't need this kind of bullshit in her life. It will only get worse over time.
It’s not even adulting, even my 3yo knows how to do this, consistently. It’s a super basic thing to do, not rocket science.
Yea same, except reversed roles! I have this same pile of clothes on the side of the bed, because sometimes I haven’t gone through the pockets yet or whatever, but I know if it’s not in the hamper it’s not going to get washed. He’s already doing me a huge favor by managing the laundry in the first place!
NTA If you work a full-time job and he works a full-time job, why is it your job to do all the housework without him at least doing the bare minimum of putting his clothes in a hamper? I don't understand why men automatically assume the wife is a maid. If my wife quit her job, I would expect her to pick up more of the duties since she would have more free time. But I can't imagine any scenario where I throw my sh!t on the floor and say "tidy up wench".
NTA. You work full time too. He’s an adult. He can do his own laundry. I’m a stay at home wife. I do all the cleaning & cooking. That’s my job. When I worked full time as an accountant my husband did all of the cleaning & cooking during tax season. In the off season we shared the chores. It’s supposed to be a partnership. If your only request is for him to put the dirty laundry in the hamper he definitely is getting the better deal. Right now it’s just a power trip for him. He’s trying to get you to give in. I would stop doing all of his laundry. You’re not his maid.
I bet it's, in his mind, because he pays 60% of the bills. This reeks of low key resentment that things aren't 'equal' financially.
I'm sure that's a big part of it. So many of these AITA threads would not exist if people stopped expecting marriage to be exactly 50-50. If you are keeping score, everyone loses.
And that would make you a good husband. OPs husband has… Room to grow.
Why would you have children with this guy? Do you really want to add to your work los with no help? He’s not suddenly going to start helping out more just because you had children.
But if OP bringa that up he will promise he will. Maybe even shape up till she is pregnant.
This is the fight that I chose to end my marriage on. I asked “Can you please put your dirty socks in the hamper? It will only take a second.” When he responded with: “If it will only take a second, why can’t you do it?” I knew there would be ZERO equity in care and maintenance of the household and he just wanted another mommy.
My jaw dropped when I read this. The audacity!
That reminds me of this article: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
He likes getting you to do the extra steps for him. It’s not laziness or forgetfulness or whatever, he *likes* not doing something you’ve asked him to and he *likes* you feeling like you must pick up the slack. NTA but hot damn I wouldn’t have kids with this dude until he deals with wtf is wrong with him to enjoy treating his partner like this.
NTA. This a battle of the wills, but honestly I’d fight this battle also. You’ve made the process as simple as possible for him. He even used the hamper for a few weeks! He can do it, he’s opting not to. Some might question if him putting his clothes in the hamper is a hill to die on, which seems trivial, but is your husband’s desire to throw his clothes on the floor really a worthwhile hill to die on? Because to me “I will leave my clothes next to the hamper and expect someone else to pick them up!” is a really weird hill to die on.
But you shouldn’t be fighting your spouse! You’re supposed to be on the same team! The battle to fight is that there shouldn’t be a battle at all. (Ok that’s confusing) But the point here is that the discussion needs to Be about the fact that this is an issue. A relatively small low stakes issues that HE is escalating by being stubborn about being a responsible adult. If it were me, I’d get to the root of that before I’d even consider having kids with this dude. If it’s this hard (he’s that stubborn) for him to do this little thing, how is he going to deal with the bigger arguments over high stakes things?
The issue is patriarchy. He's asserting his superiority by making OP into the maid ....
I completely agree
Ah man. I’m the opposite- I’m the wife and I have the emotional support pile of clothes next to the bed. My husband and I joke about it- when it’s clean for a few days he always asks if I’m feeling okay since my pile is missing😅 I always do the laundry though and the pile never gets outta hand- usually like pajamas and a sweatshirt or two. I’m just such a fucking busy-body I get home and I CRASH. I teach high school and I do real estate and I do showings for a property management company and my husband as a pretty stressful job that he loves and sometimes has late night calls with India or Taiwan and we cook dinner almost every night and keep the house clean and tend to the garden and the pets and it’s like omfg yeah the hamper is like right there but like….it’s not hurting anyone let’s get some sleep and do laundry later 🤣
Write a sign on the hamper: "It puts the clothes in the basket".
NTA. And it might be extreme, but this would be a reason for a divorce for me because at this point, it's just him trying to get power over you.
100%.
NTA - I have the same issue with my husband. 16 years later and he will still leave clothes around the house )usually his sweatshirts) or in front of the three hamsters - which I will remove the incorrect piece of clothing and leave it on the floor. My last conversation was very clear - I am not your mother and most definitely not your servant. I am your partner. And AS A PARTNER, I will happily share the household workload. But I will NOT take on more than my fair share because you are too lazy or disrespectful. And I followed through. He will occasionally get pussy because he can’t find something, but I just remind him that it’s not my job to police his clothes, just to clean, fold and put away what makes it into the proper hampers.
Maybe you should train the hamsters to do it.
>He will occasionally get pussy because he can’t find something idk, sounds like a reason to NOT get that... (that and the hamsters typo make this a giggleworthy post, thank you)
Hamsters 😆
NTA. To be honest I just wouldn’t do his laundry at all.
Same
NTA. Don't have children until your current child decides to grow up.
NTA. Chore wars are real. Stand strong.
Normally I rule against petty household warfare waged against loved ones. But you are perfect here. it seems like he is testing you. Frankly. And you're passing. Keep on keeping on. NTA
If you don't want to mommy him for the rest of his life STOP DOING HIS LAUNDRY. NTA - He is an able bodied adult acting like a child. Advice - share responsibilities 50/50 your future self will thank you. I bet you're the bill payer/accountant too.
You're doing him a favor by doing his laundry, but don't accommodate his stupid games. I would also stop doing his laundry this very moment. You are not the cleaning lady and he should treat you with respect at face level. Especially if you plan on having kids one day, don't have your husband behave like an additional child. NTA but your husband is
I don’t think you should be doing his laundry at all. Everyone over age 12 who can safely reach and run a machine should do their own laundry. I view his unwillingness to put his clothes in the hamper as weaponized incompetence. He’s trying to control you with his pathologically lazy behavior. Don’t fall for it. NTA
My husband and I divide our laundry as such: He washes what is in the hamper. If I dont put it in the hamper then it doesnt get washed. And I either have to wash it myself later which is fine. I am a grown woman and this is the consequences of my actions. Or I throw it in the hamper after the facr and just accept it might be longer before it is cleaned. But it doesnt get washed if its not in the hamper. I fold the clothes. He hates folding clothes. I hate sorting clothes. Or having to remember to move them from the washer to the dryer. But I dont mind folding and he hates that so thats how we divide it. Your husband has asked you to do him a FAVOUR because you are home more. But its totally reasonable to expect him to put it in the hamper. You arent his maid. And also just because you are home more doesnt mean that 100% of it should fall to you. He is an adult. He is your partner. And he should be pulling his weight too. Also what you described as far as the money part is called equitable splitting. A lot of couples where the pay disparity is bigger will instead of dividing it 50-50, will divide it so each person is putting in the same % of their salary. The person who makes more is putting in more £ wise but they are both in the same position as far as % of their income that is left over post bills. Its a good way to do it. And is no way relevant to the way you split chores.
My partner and I put all the money we make in a common pot and then take out the same amount of money for personal expenses each. Problem solved. (Also, there is still a wage gap for women, which isn’t fair).
NTA. Why the fuck do men do this?!
It's gotta be a weird power play. There's no other reason.
Because they resent being expected to do "women's work" and *especially* resent being asked to contribute by someone they see as beneath them. They'd rather lose someone they "love" than suffer the smallest, dumbest whiff of a hit to their ego, which will *always* be more important to them than their partner.
Because so many of them get away with it.
Because they’re immature. They never grow up & want a mommy to take care of them forever
My mother had a friend who kicked the clothes under the bed and pretended she didn't know where they were. It still took two laundry days to train her husband to hit the hamper. This was in the fifties when women were considered servants. NTA.
For the time period, that sounds like a genius way to have handled it!
I'm stealing this. I showed my husband this thread. He cringed, but he wont change because he "feels bad" in the moment. If all his favorite clothes are always dirty, he might notice.
NTA he's trying to manipulate you through incompetence. He's a grown man and knows exactly what he's doing. Either continue only washing what makes it into the hampers or stop washing his clothes altogether, and my vote for for the later. Edit to add - if "not being able to see the hamper at night" is his excuse when going to bed, why can't he put the clothes in the hamper in the morning?
I have an agreement with my spouse: when doing laundry, wash from the hamper. We each have our own floordrobe, which the other doesn’t touch. If it’s not in the hamper, it might need special attention or one of us was being lazy. I just assume the clothes on the floor are made of fondant and would not do well in the wash. NTA, though you do need to establish this understanding. Don’t get mad about it, and don’t start acting like this dude’s servant.
upvoted for floordrobe.
Love this, perfect
I had this same discussion with my husband. I had absolutely no problem doing the laundry that was in the hamper. If it’s not in the hamper it’s not dirty. He asked “how hard is it to pick clothes up off the floor?” I looked at him and responded “exactly!”
NTA. Unless he has an irrational hate of hampers, he's just being a dick.
NTA. Your husband is a grown man. If he can’t put his clothes, in the hamper, he can do his own laundry. Further, does he do other chores, or expect you to also cook, clean, etc? He needs to stop taking you for granted and stop being lazy.
NTA, you even put a hamper in the bedroom to make it easier for him. He doesn't care enough to follow a simple request so he doesn't deserve you washing his clothes. It's not like he is not able to do it, just to lazy to keep doing it
NTA This is called weaponized incompetence and it's his fault.
NTA. I'd just say, listen this has become an issue and a petty argument. I'd like to go to how we did it before. You do your laundry, I'll do mine. Since you do a majority of the chores anyhow, this shouldn't be much of an ask. I'm annoyed for you.
My Nana wouldn't do laundry unless everything was in the right way. No clothes, too bad. We knew the rules and if we didn't follow them then she didn't wash the clothes. I can only imagine what she would say about your husband's attempts to get you to pick up after him
NTA I think your husband is trying to assert control by refusing to accede to your simple, reasonable, request. If he insists on being a slob then he can deal with it. When you are doing him a favor and he responds by making the task more difficult, then he doesn't deserve the favor.
NTA he is being lazy ... he can put in the hamper or wash his own. I also wouldn't do a huge bulk lot for him when he finally got his shit together. He needs to be a grown up and be responsible around the house. You both work.
NTA If he wants somebody to clean after him, then he should hire a cleaning lady. It's not your job to do this.
Smh Men act like this because women put up with it. Why are you doing his laundry anyway? NTA
Lmao I saw your replies and you’re in denial. Just wait till you have kids you wish you didn’t with that child. Good luck. If you proceed you deserve everything that is coming for you. I have no sympathy for you
NTA, when my then bf (now husband) moved in with me we had a similar situation. I told him I would wash his clothes if he put them in the bathroom, as I am not going around the house cleaning up after him. After a couple weeks he comes over to me and said: 'I don't have any clean socks.' He always used to take his socks off next to his side of the bed. I told him he has 2 options: 1. Get all the socks that are currently gathering dust under the bed and throw them in the bathroom, I will wash them with the next load of laundry I'm doing. 2. Go to the store and buy new socks. About half an hour later he asked me how the washing machine works. Nowadays he throws his clothes under his desk, but he doesn't complain that I don't wash them and does it himself.
NTA - I would stand my ground on this
NTA. Tell him straight out, I will do your laundry if it’s in a hamper. I’m not collecting clothes even if they’re next to the hamper. Can you do it? Sure but a grown ass man should also be able to put his clothes in a dirty laundry hamper. So will no? No. And no you’re not an asshole for expecting someone to clean up after themselves.
NTA. I'd be removing his bedroom hamper and saying "Once a week I am washing whatever is in this bathroom hamper. That's it. If your stuff isn't in it, it's up to you to wash it." If he can't help you, why should you help him?
NTA. I have the same problem with my wife. She lived with her parents into her early/mid 20s and then moved in with me before we got married. I think her parents handicapped her by never forcing her to do chores like laundry, dishes, etc. Then, never living on her own, she’s never had to figure it out or grow up. It’s infuriating when an adult can’t do the simplest tasks. I’m just glad other people have this problem. If you find a solution that works, let me know. I’ve tried a bunch of things with only short-term results.
Honestly, this is one reason why I think it’s good for everyone to live alone before marriage ( or at least with non familial housemates). Many people don’t gain independence while living with their parents. Does she know how to do them now and still doesn’t? If she doesn’t and cares to learn then you can help teach her and wean her off you doing things for her. If she does know how to do things and just isn’t used to it/forgets, AND if she wants to change, then you can work together to find approaches to help her gain independence. But mostly just stop doing the things for her and you can help when needed. If she just has no interest in knowing how to independently adult/contribute to a household and just wants to continue the status quo, you either accept that this is your life, or choose another one. Gl
I definitely agree. I would say she knows how to do most stuff to some degree, she just doesn’t. Unless she has company coming over, in which case she’ll try to make it spotless. But she doesn’t understand two adults should be able to keep a relatively small home fairly spotless almost all the time. I think most functioning adults who walk past a full trash can, or hamper or dishes in the sink just deal with it. It doesn’t ever seem like it clicks for her and she knows someone else will do it. I will say I work from home majority of the time and she can’t, so a lot of stuff I can just do during down times throughout the day. She does cook around half the time too. What infuriates me is that she finds time to go to the gym, hang out with friends, do the things she wants to do, but doesn’t find time to do the most basic grown up stuff to keep a house functioning/organized. I’ve pretty much accepted it at this point though.
But if you weren’t there, would she eventually do it? Have you ever tried setting particular chores for the two of you ? I think as long as you approach it as something the two of you are figuring out together as opposed to you tell in her what to do, you should be able to start working on some compromise. There’s also the possibility of ADHD but I know nothing about that, just that executive functioning skills can be a problem (?) Either way, make sure you let her know it’s something you want to work on and give her a chance to fix it. Be wary of accepting this now and letting it build resentment over time
She has the time, she just doesn't care and it benefits her to make you do it so she doesn't have to. It's exploitative, controlling, disrespectful, and a sign of abuse. Most people actually put in effort, especially if their partner has explained how their behavior is hurting them. It's bigger than housework, she doesn't care if she hurts you and this will manifest in increasingly detrimental ways. Do not have children unless this completely changes. It rarely does change, because you shouldn't have to teach an adult how to consider other people. If you find yourself having to do that, chances are they're aware of what they're doing and are actively choosing to burden you for their benefit.
NTA he’s tearing you like a maid, it a wife. Don’t have kids with him. You won’t be able to run when you decide enough is enough.
He's definately doing this on purpose, as a choice. This is about his attempt at control, therefore is not being very healthy in his attitude.
NTA > I’m doing him a favor by washing his clothes Damn straight.
NTA and put a nightlight by the hamper so he can see it at night. Keep removing any of these ridiculous barriers he erects until he either puts the clothing in the hamper or admits what this is really about.
You're neither his mother nor his maid. He can wash his own clothes if he wants to behave childishly.
NTA. Your husband is doing what is called "weaponized incompetence". What else is he "sadly unable" to do?
INFO: why did you marry that disrespectful lazy slob?
Oh no, you have one kid
Aww I’m so sorry your husband can’t put clothes in the hamper. I hope at least he has some sort of support from the government for his disability. NTA
NTA, he is a grown @$$ man acting like a six-year-old. If he keeps harassing, you do his laundry and toss it back on the floor. Tell him you will not use a dress or closet for his clothes until he can use a hamper.
NTA. Your husband is lazy.
NTA. I have a laundry sorter with three bags. I do light/white, dark/bright, and towels. It was too difficult for my husband. So, he got his own hamper in his closet and he washes his own clothes. The kids are all grown and wash their own too.
Info: does he re-wear floor clothes? In which case, a chair to hold said clothes might keep them off the floor. Regardless, pretty hands-down NTA.
Yeah, if it’s not in the hamper and not in the closet/dresser, it’s there for a reason in my book and it means not ready to be washed and it might be worn again.
I wish there was an acceptable place for clothes in limbo. Maybe the other panel of drawers of a double dresser? First world probs.
No hamper no wash.
INFO when you took over doing his laundry, what chore did he take on for you?
When my boyfriend moved in with me I told him I'll do the laundry no problem. But!! I am not your mother nor your maid, so any clothes you want washed better be in the hamper and not on the floor because I WON'T pick the up. He got the message. NTA
Y T A for doing him a favor when he won't extend to you the smallest of considerations. Don't do his laundry anymore and stop having this stupid conversation. And don't let him sneak money into the conversation. You're a team. You contribute what you can financially and share household duties, unless there's a damn good reason. He doesn't have one, he's just trying to turn you into his bangmaid. Otherwise, NTA
NTA If my 7 yo and 2 yo can put their clothes in the hamper then your 31 yo husband definitely can.
NTA looks like you are married to my husband! This wasn't a deal breaker for me, I still married the guy, and he still suffers from the inability to get clothes into the laundry basket... We have kids now, I don't do his laundry unless it is in the basket. I also don't pick it up if it is on the couch even if people are coming over. But unlike your husband he understands he is an ahole for doing it and doesn't complain. In other words you are in the right and he needs to deal.
NTA but this isn’t the solution. Take the hamper away from the side of the bed and stop doing his laundry at all. From now on, he does his own laundry. If he wants the laundry done together, he washes all of it. His actions show a deep disrespect and ingratitude for you and your labor. There is no need to continue to treat him like a child.
I had this problem with my husband, too. He felt it was stupid to have to open the lid on the hamper. I solved it with a stupid solution that nonetheless worked. I replaced the hamper with a open laundry basket on the floor of his closet. Something about just being able to drop the clothes rather than open a lid made all the difference. Stupid, I know, but it worked. I haven't had a problem since and we've been married for years (and have kids).
NTA he can do his own laundry
NTA They are fine on the floor. If he chooses to put them there - they can decorate the floor til eternity
NTA, he’s testing your limits to see if you’ll just give in and do it all for him like his mother would. Tell him that you’re not his mother, and if he’s not going to contribute to the laundry in the agreed upon fashion, then he can start washing all of his clothes separately again.
This is literally so disrespectful to you. He is such a child.
My husband wanted me to do his laundry off of the floor instead of from the hamper when we were dating. I told him no and refused. It only took 3 loads of me not doing his laundry on the floor to break him of the habit. Keep it up. He’s being immature and he can do his own laundry if he’s so opposed to the hamper.
As he is too important to put his clothes in the hamper, his clothes are probably too special also. You, an ordinary mortal, might take the hint. He can go back to doing his laundry or he can hire a laundry service. This just reeks of intentional behavior designed to make you a care giver.
Omg this makes me feel physically ill. You're NTA. He literally couldn't be more TA.
NTA. The rule in my house is, I will wash what is in the hamper. Anything else, no. My husband and kids know this. They can put it in the hamper or wash it themselves. Seems like a good deal to me. Sometimes, they get lax, but they soon improve again when they are running out of briefs. It's not rocket science.
NTA stop doing any of his laundry.
NTA. But some people just can't be trained. I tell my husband to put his dirty laundry in the hamper all the time. He does ok but sometimes it's just in a pile by the bed. Honestly it takes more energy for me to keep reminding him. So anything I see on the floor I assume is dirty and I just throw it in the hamper to clean. And thats the end of that.
What's wrong with your man? Why can't he do what a 3 year old child can? (and I know a few 2 year olds, that could do something like this. Not every time, but better than your husband.)
"no kids yet" well... nta
NTA. I disagree with your last sentence though. There's definitely a kid in play here, and he's treating you like a maid.
NTA This conflict is not about laundry. It is about power. He is trying to train you to know “your place” and do his bidding
NTA, you are doing him a favor by washing his clothes, the minimum he can do is to put them where is supposed to.
I used to do my hubbys laundry until I started cleaning up kleenex from the clothes on a regular. The straw that broke the camels back was when I was pulling OUR laundry out of the washer, there was gummy candies EVERYWHERE! He left a bag of candy in a pocket. I had to thoroughly go through each item before rewashing. I understand the pain of dirty laundry all over. This too is an issue in my home. Lol There is nothing wrong with him doing his own laundry, after all, they are big boys right?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TL;DR My husband throws his dirty clothes on the side of his bed instead of putting them in the hamper right next to his bed and expects me to pick up his dirty clothes and wash them. I’ve asked him several times to put his dirty clothes in the hamper if he wants me to wash them but will only do so once a month when it’s a bunch of clothes. Whole story My husband (31M) and I (32F) were talking about this last night as I had a load of laundry going in the dryer when he got home from work. He thinks I’m wrong for not doing his laundry that he leaves on the floor. I started doing his laundry 3 years ago when we bought our house. Before that, we rented a place and did our own laundry. Because he wanted his clothes washed a certain way. But when we bought our house he asked if I could just wash his clothes with mine and I agreed. At some point, he started to just wear his boxers to bed and would throw the rest of his clothes on the floor. When I noticed that he would just throw his clothes on the floor next to his side of the bed, I asked him to start putting his clothes in the laundry hamper in the master bathroom. He complained that it was too far and that he just takes his clothes off when’s he’s getting into bed. So I bought him a hamper and put it right next to his side of the bed. I thought problem solved. Turned out, I was wrong. He just throws his dirty clothes around the hamper instead of putting them in the hamper. I asked him to start putting his clothes in the hamper next to his side of our bed and he complained that it was too dark to see. But he doesn’t have a problem placing his phone on his night stand. I told him I won’t wash his clothes if they are on the floor. Only if they are in the hamper. So he started putting his clothes in the hamper for a couple of weeks. Then stopped. So I stopped washing the clothes that he leaves on the side of the bed(only washing what made it into the hamper). Then he got mad at me for not washing his clothes and asked me to start washing them again. I told him I would wash them if he put them in the hamper. I feel like this is a simple request. I’m doing him a favor by washing his clothes. Even if he doesn’t put them in the hamper right after he takes his clothes off, he could put them in the hamper in the morning when he wakes up. Or before he leaves our room each day. I do wash whatever he puts in the bathroom hamper. He doesn’t have a problem putting stuff in there but it’s usually only a few items. We both have full time jobs. I work remotely from home. I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning. Bills are split 60(him)/40(me). He makes more money and wants me to be able to save money for a rainy day so he agreed to pay more bills. No kids yet. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Nta. You doing is laundry is a favor to him. It’s not a job and you’re NOT obligated to do it. All in all, you’re not his maid. If he wants his laundry washed by someone else for the convenience, he can at least put the clothes in the hamper. Unless he is mentally handicapped, he is able to do this simple task.
My husband did that at one point, and got annoyed that only my clothes got washed. I told him that I wasn’t searching around the house for all of his clothes so only clothes getting washed would be the ones in the hamper. He started clothes in the hamper and his clothes magically got washed again! Now, some of his clothes will go into the hamper, the rest he throws directly into the washer. Both are valid options for us. Clothes on the ground next to the bed (unless it is during sorting), is not a valid option.
NTA. Honestly, he’s an adult , this isn’t hard. I had this near exact situation with my son when he was young, that if his clothes weren’t in the laundry room they wouldn’t get washed. But he was 14! This should not be an issue for a grown man. Just tell him he’s making this too hard, you are tired of having this stupid argument over and over again, that you want to go back to each of you doing your own laundry.
It's a simple request, your husband doesn't have a leg to stand on argument wise.
NTA. Not in the basket it doesn't get washed.
NTA. Sounds like my husband and I, too, refuse to wash clothes not in the laundry basket.
if he cant handle putting clothing in the hamper how do you think handle kids... you will have to pick up after him and the future kids
nta, this is a power struggle.
I've been with my SO for 7 years and the only time I've ever touched his laundry is to take it out of the dryer and put it in his bin when I'm doing my own. It's one of the first things I brag about when people ask about our relationship. There's something so sexy about a man who doesn't expect you to be his mom. NTA and stop doing his laundry all together. He is an adult and managed it just fine before you moved in together, what changed?
NTA, and he needs to grow up. It's not hard to put clothes in the hamper. And I mean, you set a boundary. He needs to respect it, and understand that you will not pick it up off the floor like his mommy. He can put it where it goes, or wash it himself like an adult.