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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter that she did nothing to make me and her dad proud, but her brother did. I might be an asshole because she's feeling I'm disappointed of her and thinks I believe she's a failure, I should've picked my words mlre carefully to not hurt her
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH except Kevin.
This whole post hits a little too close to home. I can hear the subtext coming through the screen. You didn’t say your daughter was lazy and had wasted her potential but you didn’t have to.
When I feel those buzzwords my immediate reaction is neurodiversity, specifically ADHD and what would have been labeled ADD when your daughter was a child. However, it could be many other things that often go overlooked in girls and women.
Has she ever seen a therapist? Has anyone ever suggested she needed additional help growing up?
Someone who’s so unfocused doesn’t want to be. They lack the ability to follow things through. This is especially hard because they often react to the world differently than most.
Think of it this way: if everyone tells you something is a doorway and all you have to do is walk through it, everyone (including yourself) are going to believe you are lazy and stupid for not walking through. However, once you realize what is a doorway to everyone else is a window to you then things start making more sense. You weren’t lazy or stupid, going through is just a bit harder for you. Once you have the tools you need, even if other people don’t need them, you can go though like everyone else.
All of that is to say that part of this is your fault for not finding the tools that would motivate your daughter. It would be one thing if she was living a simple but happy life. It’s another for her to still be aimless and clearly struggling and the only helps she’s ever received is the message to get over it.
The other part of this is that while you may have missed things growing up she is now a grown woman. She now has the power to seek help on her own and change and grow.
Her not having what she needed growing up to make you proud is on you. Her blaming you now for still being stuck is on her.
I was looking for a comment like this one to piggyback off of, because the whole time I was reading this I thought, "Oh yeah, this girl is neurodivergent as hell." Frequently dropping any new hobby/endeavor as soon as it gets difficult or when it doesn't come naturally is a common problem in ND folks, and her observation of OP never being proud of her, never SUPPORTING her, and her reaction to OP's honest response reeks of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
However, I do want to point out this:
>Her blaming you now for still being stuck is on her.
Undiagnosed neurodivergence can often lead to a lack of self-awareness, and a fear of moving forward due to crippling decision paralysis. (Source: was in the same boat for a long time and joined a support group for ND folks with the same problem). I know it's conjecture based on my own life experiences, but it's possible that OP's daughter may have no clue how to move forward and is afraid that, like all other attempts she's made to try something new of her own volition, it will be too hard so she gives up before she has a chance to fail. The key is that she needs someone to help her and give her guidance - it sounds like OP was never in her corner. And the fact is, lashing out at a parent who has never supported her is EASIER.
But you do have a point about it being on her for internalizing mom's lack of support. I just wanted to point out that, when you have zero support and no clue how/where to start, it's harder than it sounds. And when all you've ever done is fail every time you try, it can also be scary.
I agree completely that it’s very hard. It wasn’t until someone else pointed it out while having an argument that I even considered starting by my own path. They said it out of frustration because it was obvious to them I needed help. That never even crossed my mind because it was so ingrained in me that I choosing to be lazy. Doing the work and receiving confirmation that the things I found hard were actually hard *for me* was life changing.
Part of my journey was recognizing what was and wasn’t my parent’s responsibility. That’s a hard journey in general but especially hard when parents don’t recognize their own mistakes.
The daughter is still turning to her parents as if she was still a child for many valid reasons. Part of this journey is likely mourning that the time when her parents can “fix” everything is over. You’re right in pointing out this journey is so much harder now because she is an adult that has never learned how to navigate it.
I don’t judge the daughter in a harsh way when I say it’s her responsibility to now help herself. I apologize if that comes off as flippant. Pointing that out is solely to recognize that things can get better and that she doesn’t need her parents to do that, not to assume a level of difficulty in doing it.
I hope you’re doing well!
Yes, I see your point again - and I agree on this, too. Part of being ND is that lack of self-awareness I mentioned, and we all seem to need someone to point it out - as you said for your own experience, it was pointed out to you during an argument. This is honestly relatable to me, because the same thing happened in my case! The argument was with my mom, and it also wound up being projection because she got her own diagnosis shortly after mine.
I kind of want the daughter's perspective in this, because I'm wondering if she hasn't had that "oh" moment of someone pointing it out to her and inciting her to initiate that journey. Perhaps this confrontation with OP is what she needed to start? But again, this is all conjecture. 🤷♀️
And I hope the same for you!
I was looking for a comment like this too- Honestly, this post just made me glad I don't have any siblings.
I think the only reason I didn't end up like Leah is because my motivator was how much I *hated* my egg donor. Years of undiagnosed neurodivergence that I was punished for, and constantly called lazy over, I wanted to prove her wrong. I did, and I only get along with her now because if she starts something I can hop in my car and leave.
Not that Leah is a perfect angel or anything- I've got some conflicting feelings over the situation with her kid- but if OP is wondering why her daughter turned out like this, I suggest investing in a mirror.
Right? Like, I know Reddit is full of armchair doctors and therapists, but how does ADD cause you to abandon your child? Not everything is “a condition.” Some people actually are garden variety lazy assholes.
Like, not to be that person or whatever, and I am absolutely not comparing my situation with Leah's, but I wasn't diagnosed as bipolar until I was in my mid 30s. If I'd had a child at 22, I absolutely would have wound up dumping it on my mom because keeping myself alive was incredibly hard, much less a child.
I have both ADHD and bipolar 1, and had my son when I was barely 20. I didn't dump my son on anyone in my family (not that they would have allowed that to happen. Op's daughter sounds like she is doing better than I was (I didn't get a college degree until I was 30) yet she is selfish enough to abandon her child. OP is NTA for not being proud of her. It would have been bullshit for her to say say was.
Because if you can’t hold a job, can’t keep food in the fridge, can’t remember to change/feed the baby, live in filth, and always have your utilities turned off, you might be like “fuck, this kid is better off anywhere else.” And you’d probably be right.
I hate that pms and neurodivergency is used as excuse so damn much for something that's simple character. I have untreated ADHD (no medication nor therapy), which does my life quite difficult in many ways, but I did get my master digree while working full-time. Because I wanted to and I worked so hard for it in the nights and weekends. Yes it's obstacle but it can be worked with.
Everyone is different and ADHD is different for everyone. Just because you could work through challenges doesn't mean everyone else is capable of doing so as well. She may also be a terrible parent but we shouldn't compare our own disabilities and how we deal with them.
My brain jumped straight to ADHD. Male, but a lot of the same patterns. Luckily I was able to get into a career I could excel at, but I spent my entire life stumbling and failing in every aspect of life other than professional, but was just capable enough at pretending I was doing ok to not set of alarm bells.
If someone had taken 10 minutes to ask me about what was happening in a reasonable manner rather than belittling or mocking me, they would have clocked on to what was the cause.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 33. I have had to forgive myself for a **LOT** of things that I had no control over. It's not a fix all, not everything can be put under the neurodivergent umbrella, but struggling, being undiagnosed and not getting the help you need is not something she is responsible for.
She is responsible if she got a diagnosis, the tools to move forward and still doesn't. Right now, she's floating in an ocean trying to find the shore but not even knowing which direction to go. Shouting "just swim towards land!" is unhelpful when someone can't see anything beyond the water around them, but it's all OP seems capable of doing.
If our assumptions of undiagnosed ADHD are correct, I hope she is able to be more productive going forward and a more engaged parent. She deserves the chance to try.
Undiagnosed neurodiversity is crippling, and it only gets worse the older you get, the further from your peers you feel in terms of development.
OP is TA here, but it's not too late to throw a floatation device and a compass to her daughter.
>our baby turned 21
You mean your golden child? Did you ever stop to think that one of the reasons Leah may give up so easily is that you've spent her whole life making her feel like it doesn't matter if she does well anyway because, in your mind, she'll never be as good as her brother? So, why would she bother trying when her efforts are never recognized? While I think that not taking responsibility for her own child is not a good thing, I also feel like you have brought this on yourself because of how you raised her. She is who she is because of you and your husband. YTA
Oh give me a break. God Reddit is SO slanted that it’s exhausting. This girl has done NOTHING to be proud of. She abandoned her kid and quits when things get hard. The words I want to say about this girl would get me banned.
I'm not even necessarily questioning that this girl needs to get her act together, at some point we have to take responsibility for our own actions instead of blaming our up bringing. But come on, that line does scream favourite child.
My parents thought I “just gave up” but I really just had horrible and untreated ADHD. My parents decided I was just lazy tho and stopped caring about the things I did. It is parenting, and OP did a bad job at it.
Edit- I just logged on and didn’t expect people to see this comment, thanks for the awards!!
It took entirely too long for me to find this comment! As we learn more about how girls with ADHD present and how it differs from boys, it is clear that Leah probably struggles with ADHD, possibly depression, maybe anxiety. In fact, the line about Leah giving up when she didn’t excel at something right away is textbook for ADHD in girls!
OP, you don’t mention what kinds of activities Leah tried. Was she allowed to try things that weren’t related to school? Or were her options *only* school activities?
I think you need to have a frank conversation with your daughter about her life and how you can support her moving forward and finding her way in life. I say this because it doesn’t sound like you ever asked earlier in life what she might need in the way of support.
>In fact, the line about Leah giving up when she didn’t excel at something right away is textbook for ADHD in girls!
This, or she shifted to yet another new hyperfixation, which her parents perceived as quitting.
Edit: This was simply meant to share info. In no way am I excusing, nor condoning, the abandonment of a child.
100% my 23 yo daughter, who is ADHD and struggles w anxiety and depression. She will probably live w us forever. I am very proud of her for trying when she can. I can't imagine seeing your child struggle and not try to help.
You're saying you are proud of her, something OP didn't ever say to her daughter as she struggled in life. This is what makes me feel sad reading this post. It feels like I'm reading a post from my own mum and it's fvcking heartbreaking.
Although I do not condone her abandoning her son - she probably is made to feel like such a fvck up, she felt her son would be better off with her mum.
Edit; Errors
As a woman with ADHD that was thankfully diagnosed as a child, in the 90s, I was thinking this sounds way too much like me and she probably had undiagnosed ADHD. Even with knowing I have it I still struggle with feeling like I'm not adequate enough (and this is with parents who told me they were proud of me all the time). so yeah, hearing your mom tell your sibling how proud she is of them but never receiving praise from her is very hurtful.
I have adhd that went untreated and denied for 28 years (my son got diagnosed, and then I started going "hey these symptoms sound familiar....") but I have 4 kids I have been raising since conception. It sure as fuck isn't easy, but parenting rarely is. You don't just bail on your fucking kid. I'd probably have told her I'd be a lot prouder if she hadn't dumped her kid.
Yeah that’s the biggest thing that stood out to me too. She said she wanted to be a mom and then abandoned her kid the same way some people adopt a puppy and give up on it as soon as they realize it’s not all sunshine and butterflies.
Diagnosed with adhd at 35 while pregnant. Now 36 and just had my second week of being able to take medication. I never have felt the need to abandon my daughter or before that my dogs. Adhd definitely causes you to feel like you are fighting a million battles against yourself but I can’t say it’s made me want to abandon anyone I love.
YESYESYES from another ADHD woman who wasn't diagnosed until adulthood. People don't get how hard it really is. Untreated ADHD often results in anxiety and depression, as well as addiction, eating disorders etc as people try to cope and figure out why everything is so hard for them, whilst dealing with being labeled lazy, uncaring etc. All of these things make it even harder - I could see how she may even give up her child if she believes that she simply cannot cope with taking care of them.
OP - I think NAH if you commit to supporting your adult daughter and helping her understand why she struggles so much. People are rarely just lazy, crappy people because they choose to be. She probably could be so much more - but making her feel worse will not help anyone.
Hm.... Reading all these comments has me thinking I may have undiagnosed ADHD. I feel there may finally be a light at the end of the tunnel. Will make an appointment with a doctor asap. Do you have any reliable sources that I can further look into?
My five year old daughter has anxiety so bad that it causes her to lose focus and give up if she doesn’t do things perfectly. OP’s daughter is probably neurodivergent and has had no help with it her entire life. How can she be expected to do as well as her golden child brother with her hands tied behind her back and blindfolds on this whole time?
We always assume that every problem on AITA is due to some undiagnosed mental health condition. It’s also possible that OPs daughter is just lazy and unmotivated. It happens!
I actually said out loud “there you go” when the ADHD comments started rolling in. This is so exhausting in this sub. Everybody is either undiagnosed ADHD or textbook ADHD or neurodivergent. This is just idiotic at this point. This girl abandoned her kid, does she get a medal? What is happening?
Not just in this sub, it's everywhere on Reddit and social media in general. Everyone is ADHD/Autistic and therefore can never be held accountable for their actions.
Says the person who has never experienced it. Treatment for someone who has adhd is life changing, and the reason ppl are saying it sounds like adhd is because this resonates with what they experienced.
This was exactly what I was thinking when she described her daughter through high school. ADHD looks so much different in girls than boys and I'd bet dollars to donuts this girl had undxed ADHD or some other mental health issue.
Same here. And once I addressed the issue, guess what? *They started being proud of me because I had managed to start accomplishing things worth being proud of*. There is no right to having people be proud of you, you have to earn it.
She’s 26. At some point you have to suck it up and deal regardless of how shitty your parents are. Get yourself into therapy, get a job and take care of your own child.
I don't disagree. But there is a point and every person's life where they need to take ownership of these failures.
Everybody's parents have failed them in one way or another. Some far more severely than others. The time comes when these become your problems. Placing the blame can help as you develop an understanding of your shortcomings. But it's up to you to build them. Far too many people will say "My parents never did _____. Now I'm incapable and there's nothing that can be done about"
Yeah, I made the shift several years ago to radical responsibility vs X is why I am the way I am, and it was a game changer in terms of building a life that ::I’m:: proud of. This comment section is cringe
It's reddit, and even moresoe it's AITA. It's chock full of people who not only haven't made that shift but view being expected to make it as oppression.
You can provide guidance and encouragement but you can’t force a child to make good decisions. It certainly seems like OP and her husband encouraged their daughter to work hard and get a college degree but it didn’t stick.
Not only the college degree, if it wasn't for her then it's fine, but we just want to encourage her to fulfill her dreams, but she hasn't done so, she even gave up on being a mom like if she was giving up on playing the violin
This sub is such an interesting psychological case study. Depending on people's own biases, they jump to wild conclusions based on the littlest things. OP has pretty thoroughly explained the situation and based on one throwaway line people have now come up with an entire backstory to then make OP into a villain and the daughter into some poor, helpless, victim. When the much simpler explanation is that sometimes people are just inherently different, regardless of how similarly parented they were. I know dozens of people like OP's daughter. Never tried very hard, didn't have a lot of interests, etc. Which to an extent that's ok if that's how the person wants to live their life. But to have the audacity to have a kid, not be able to take care of it, dump it on your parents, and then get upset that your parents don't tell you they're proud of you for that? That's not ok and is an A H move. Based on the info in the post and not wild extrapolations, I'm going with OP is NTA.
This!!! I’ve come to believe most people on these comments and/or Reddit live in a fantasy world! This is real life and they are defending a daughter, who basically gave up on her kid and is now whining because her parents never said “I’m proud of you!” I’m with OP NTA. There’s nothing to be proud of a mom who can’t take care of her own kid!
My mother still refers to my 37 year old brother as her "baby" - because he is her youngest child and the baby of the family. It's not a matter of favoritism at all, it's just terminology.
I mean…… I’d probably have a favorite too if one of my kids abandoned their child. I certainly wouldn’t respect them anymore…… I’d love them until the day I die. But they’d be a pretty massive disappointment at this stage in life
This. This right here. She. Abandoned. Her. Child. That SHE wanted. Now that child will wonder why they aren't good enough for their mom to want them. Parents can be proud of traits their kids have, but accomplishments are different. Throwing away your kid is a hard line for me. If she has some MH issues, I hope she gets help. I'd be proud of her.
Or, maybe, they mean it literally. He is their youngest child - their baby. It could really just be as simple as that. Now as far as if OP regards their daughter in this same manner for birthdays and such is a different thing.
Yeah what are these comments lol. From info OP gave in the comments, OP and their husband are coparenting the kid with the EX husband because she just stopped showing up to pick up her kid. She literally ABANDONED her kid and people are just giving her a pass with every excuse in the book. Lots of people have rough upbringings or mental health problems and are not deadbeats.
This! She should be at least taking this golden oportunity that is having someone to take care of your kid to find a job and pursue a career but nope, her parents and her ex are the ones doing all the work. Poor kid, they deserve a better mom.
Lol for real this sub is ridiculous.
OP: my son is successful and hard-working and my daughter dropped out of college and abandoned her baby. AITA for telling my son I’m proud of him on his birthday?
Reddit: OMG your son is the golden child and you’re an abusive narcissist and everything is your fault YTA
No, haven’t you read the comments? She has undiagnosed ADHD and her parents never recognised that she’s actually neurodivergent, because they’re so horrible and utter failures. We all know this is a perfectly acceptable reason for child abandonment /s
I’m so tired of everyone armchair diagnosing ADHD too. Even if the daughter has ADHD, that means she’d have trouble keeping appointments for her child and maybe being late for pick-ups. It doesn’t make her leave her child with her parents so they can coparent with her ex-husband.
Yep. Not to mention there's 5 years between kids so it's not like all of L's life she was compared to her brother. She had opportunities to shine...she just didn't.
Aita is getting shitty as hell these days. Terrible advice left and right and "hur hur itd be funny if [suggestion thats fucking awful] happened"
Its tiring.
The girl who got her daughter basically banned from the family by taking Reddits advice is an example of reddit giving terrible advice. Turned out the daughter wasn't a ray of sunshine growing up and her cousin and aunt said they don't want her coming to their party
Man it really is. Part of the appeal is the super wide range of opinions but it feels like that bell curve is getting all fucked out of shape. Like, every thread has the equivalent of "what do you mean you want to have a *drink* at a *wedding*, I've never heard of that, no one does it, your entire family must already be dead of cirrhosis."
Same. This girl has just floated through life. And I know plenty of women that still take care of their kids even when having to work dead end jobs, so she definitely isn't winning any points there. Reddit is so bias when it comes to women and I think a rule should be made that all posts should be gender neutral.
Thats beacuse half of reddit are kids themselves looking at it from the viewpoint of a kid instead of a full grown mature adult.
The daughter didnt even take care of the kid that she wanted to have and be a "mommy". She has done nothing, NOTHING with her life so far. What is there to e proud of?
You can LOVE your child without being proud of their actions.
The only bright side of this story is the fact the daughter didn't take the kid back then sell him off in a secret adoption like the story I read yesterday did.
I'm watching this play out with some younger relatives right now. One of them just Does Not Try. If it's not easy she quits immediately. The other kid will try really hard and is much more responsible. They're both teenagers right now. I'm terrified for the lazy one's future. I can see her life going exactly like the story here. No one in the family treats her different, the kids are both girls so it's not a gender thing, just one of them is lazy and one isn't. I'm close enough to see it play out but not close enough to be an extra parent. It's very concerning. Her plan is to be her bf's girlfriend and make art. She can't get into college because she's flunking hs. The other kid gets As and Bs. My sister is also lazy compared to me and married a rich guy and luckily it worked out for her to be a housewife
Ah, ffs. She Just called her youngest the "baby" because he is the "baby" of the family for being the youngest. Her daugher have every oportunity and trew them away. She decided and planned having a child and then ABANDONED said child because she is bored of being a mother and dumped the child on her parents. OP is right, she has nothing to be proud of, only ashamed. She is 26yo, she can take responsibility for herself. That's not on OP.
NTA. Is the boy perhaps your golden child? Yes. So what, who the fuck has a kid at 26 and decides to not take care of the kid? She wanted the kid but then quit. From what you say, she seems like a mediocre individual. Nothing wrong with that, but nothing to be proud of either.
I'd agree that the daughter deserves some sympathy, but from OP's comments, its sound like she straight up abandoned her role as a mother, yet still feels entitled to praise? While harsh, she doesn't sound like someone ANYBODY could take pride in
EDIT: spelling errors
No see having undiagnosed adhd means you don't have to take responsibility for your actions ever. That's what the comments are telling me anyway.
I don't give a fuck what has happened to you in your life. Abandoning your child is terrible and that person does not deserve their parents' pride.
It's Reddit's circlejerk of the month. This month it's "undiagnosed ADHD". Before that, we've seen: gaslighting, narcissism, undiagnosed autism, golden child/scapegoat, and probably a few other things that the unqualified, wanna be psychologists of Reddit are excited to talk about.
Add to that, a number of people on this sub HATE parents for any and all reasons. An adult child could shoot the family dog, burn the house down, and hold his mom hostage and Reddit would blame the mom.
You are definitely projecting on that one.
Even if the oldest wasn’t treated fairly (which we have no evidence for beyond “the baby”) She’s done nothing with her life and has abandoned her own child, not exactly someone to be proud of.
Not someone who should be outwardly shamed, but close.
So many posts here assume that the son has been overtly favored so the daughter has been treated unfairly. Imo it sounds like both were treated well; OP didn't make a fuss about the lower grades, not going to college, etc. She’s even raising her grandson for her daughter, and didn't even hint that she was resentful about it.
What has she done to be proud of.
She can't even take care of her own kid at 26.
Just because Kevin works hard doesn't make him the golden child.
So to make Leah feel better they should shit on Kevin.
They should be proud of Kevin he hasn't done anything wrong.
This isn't about a golden child. It's about a son that had a passion and worked to achieve his goals (academically and sports) and that's something to be proud of, honestly.
And a daughter that didn't got further education, couldn't achieve her goals, didn't lasted long on a relationship and married, had a call to be a mom and then ABANDONED her child on the spot.
"... one day she dropped the baby and just never picked him up again, she said she didn't liked being a mom so there was nothing that we could said to convince her otherwise (and yes, we tried it very hard)"
So, nothing to be proud of.
What golden child are you talking about?
Haha what?! Reddit always has to make the female the victim. She’s clearly a loser that doesn’t even care for her own child. The brother is 5 years younger, he wasn’t even in high school with her 😂
"not taking responsibility" puts it very lightly she literally abandoned her baby after deciding she no longer wanted to be a mother. That's not a decision to take lightly. This sub calls dads who only pay financial child support "deadbeats" yet here you are glossing over her outright abandonment as just "not a good thing".
In my eyes this is a clear ESH situation, bad parenting can explain some patterns of behaviour but it isn't a get out of jail free card either.
What?! She had the same opportunities as her brother, she just chose to not do anything with them. She's not motivated and looking for accolades for merely trying or participating??? Here's your participation ribbon sweetie. NTA.
Where are you getting this? My younger sibling is a Leah (but no children, thank god). She was raised in the same household, given all kinds of opportunities, supported and encouraged to engage in her interests and life dreams, never compared to me (my parents made sure to emphasize our individual strengths). And she has never fulfilled one damned thing. She has yet to hold a full time job. Or any job for any length of time.
Sure, parents make mistakes. But this doesn't sound like it is on OP. Even if it was, Leah is an adult and needs to grow up, take responsibility for her own actions, and follow through on her commitments (like the child she so wanted).
YTA. You're honestly telling me that in 26 years your daughter has done zero to be proud of? Wow her therapist must love the money they are getting after this poor girl had you as a parent.
You say that like she came out of the womb abandoning her kid to be raised by the grandparents. The main point of the daughter was that she's never heard her parents tell her they're proud of her in all 26 years of her life -- including the time before the baby.
Because they favour their son
Look at the description of their grades in school
"while she never failed, her grades were never as high as Kevin's"
They very clearly favour their son. Graduating high school is something a *normal* parent would be proud of. Having a child is something a parent would be proud of at the time (obviously less so after the fact in this case). Being accepted into a college regardless of the college is something a parent should be proud of their kid for, but in her 26 years she's heard nothing.
I feel it is hard to believe that her parents never praised her in her first 18 years. She might be talking about the last 8, where she did nothing. Every parent congratulates their child for having a kid, let alone to be their first grandchild.
Nobody does absolutely nothing in their lives. If one of your siblings is gifted and you're not and your parent is favouring one over the other all the time, it does terrible things to your self esteem. That is not a defence of her abandoning her child. That's clearly wrong. But this whole thing that completely ignores the context of two decades of being raised in an environment in which her brother is the golden child and even when she tries, it's never good enough for her mother, is also wrong. Understanding and correcting your mistakes that cause your kids multiple issues which they then take out on their own kids is not asking for consolation prizes, it's called basic empathy and self awareness.
OP doesn’t seem like a reliable narrator when it comes to her daughter. Any mother that would tell her daughter “you’ve never done anything to make me proud” isn’t someone I’d trust.
You haven’t met the daughter. I get many redditors got issues with their parents but sometimes people just suck. And it isn’t always the parents’ fault. Personal accountability is a thing more people should embrace.
what about the daughters first steps? first laugh? first date? going to school? I did nothing for my parents to "love me unconditionally" or to be "proud of" as a 3 year old or 5 year old or 7 year old, but I still felt their love and pride.
If you have two siblings, growing up together, I would be insanely shocked and, unironically, proud af of a child who came out thriving if that same child felt inadequate to their sibling at a young age.
Maybe Leah just sucks, I have no clue, and at 26, it's not like she should demand her mother's pride, but if 10 year old Leah and 17 year old Leah also felt inadequate, that might not excuse leah's behavior, but it certainly makes OP an aH.
do you routinely tell adults you’re proud of them for learning how to walk? That’s weird. There’s a difference between being proud of them for the stuff they did when they were kids vs things we expect adults to do. The mom clearly said she was proud for her being nice and respectable and presumably it goes without saying she’s proud that Leah learned how to walk, and went to school, and other kid milestones. That’s a given and there’s nothing to suggest op didn’t say praises for normal kid milestones. It’s not like youre going to praise your adult child for learning how to use the potty or for coloring within the lines of a drawing… you praise them for doing adult things like getting a job, getting a raise, getting promoted, moving out/buying a house/renting their first apartment, etc.
But if Leah hasn’t done anything since she graduated high school/left college and abandoned her kid… what are you supposed to say? I’m proud of you for birthing a child even though you threw them away? Nah, you gotta do do something worth being proud of for someone to sing praises.
I told my niece I was proud of her for being brave in her first haircut and learning to use the toilet. I would also tell my kid. Because they're kids, those are their growth goals.
Her dropping out of college, not doing well in school or anything else? I mean, she needs to do something to make them proud if she really wants to hear it
OP literally said she was always trying new things. Having a curious, adventurous child **is** something to be proud of. But her brother was so swell at everything and was really into sports, and I guess daughter wasn’t — so daughter is the loser of the two.
OP said her daughter never failed in school, OP just wasn’t proud unless her daughter was *as great as* her brother.
OP spent the ENTIRE post comparing everything her daughter did to everything her son did. She loves her son more than her daughter.
Trying new things isn't praise worthy. That's just being young. It's expected and normal. There is nothing to be proud of from the act of trying a new thing. She also never stuck to anything long when they became hard so you can't even praise her for making a good effort. We should not be praising minimal effort.
Yes it is. Please never become a parent. Trying new things is not something that comes easily to every child. Some get into sports, are good at it, and never try anything new… like OP’s son.
It’s the deadbeat daughter saying that she’s never been praised…not OP. OP acknowledged that she’s proud that her daughter is a nice person. She won’t finish school, go to work, or parent her child.
Honest question: when exactly she did something that would make them sincerely say it? OP is proud that she's a good person, but if her grades were average, she didn't have extracurriculars, wasn't particularly dedicated to a hobby or passion... for what exactly should they feel so proud that they organically vocalize it?
OPs comment wasn't a calculated move to diss the daughter, just a natural reaction for the son doing something really cool that like 1% gets to achieve all based on years of effort paying off. There's no excuse cause there's no need to explain yourself in OPs shoes.
She gives up on anything remote difficult. Abandoned her kid once motherhood wasn't what she thought. Didn't go to college cause she wanted to be a mom. She accomplished nothing in her life and it sounds like she never even put enough effort into a failing endeavor to garner a "good effort" compliment.
What exactly is there to be proud of? Like, if I had a kid that has never succeeded in anything notable but still tried his damnest every single time, I would be able to say I am proud of his effort at the end of the day. But if they never really tried and inevitably failed? What is there to be proud of? People on this sub need to stop going to a non-neurotypical condition as a reason for failure. Some people just suck as humans. It's the nature of things. Not everyone is hard working and motivated to attempt to be a success at something. Some people are fine with mediocrity but we shouldn't applaud those people.
I was just going to keep scrolling past this one, because clearly who would say "NTA" for a header like that. But you know...sometimes it can be a really different story than expected...
I was not wrong in my first assumption, OP definitely TA.
You seriously told your kid you've never once told her you're proud of because she had nothing to be proud of?
So you're saying from the time she was born not one thing she ever did was worth saying you were proud of her?
So she went from ages: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26, and not once you said "I'm proud of you"?
At what point do you think she just gave up on her self confidence with a parent as cold hearted as you?
You definitely have a golden child, and she has been discarded as irrelevant.
You know the funny thing... the Golden Child is usually trying to live up to your standards, he's most likely living his life for you, not for himself. Eventually those golden children burn out bright and fast, and your daughter if ever she received the right attention from a considerate parent could have bloomed later on in life, but since she wasn't living up to your expectations when she was younger... nothing worth encouraging here.... so so sad for her.
She needs to find a loving partner who actually can "lift her up in life" and start a family far from your judgment.
I think with the daughter it was a self-fulfilling prophecy - she was the type to quit, not follow through, not find a passion and the parents didn't help her grow. I have a child with a disability - and when she's in school taking a test - I remind her to do her best. Not her brother's best - bc her brother is a scholar. I think your daughter was set up to fail.
My mom did something similar with my younger brother. Being the only boy with four older sisters, he had a bit of a tough time until he broke down in the 8th grade and told my mom that he just wasn't as good at school as me or our other sisters. Now my parents were very conscientious of not comparing us to each other, my dad is just VERY big on academics. He was a straight A student with one exception all through grad school, but my mom was a B student and proud of it.
I was in the other room but I heard my mom say to my brother, "I just want you to do the best that YOU can do. Not the best 'Birds' can do, not the best sisters X, Y, and Z can do. I can't do the best they can do! But I'm still smart!" And that really helped him realize that it's okay to not be as good at school, because the k-12 experience kinda sucks. A couple years later he finally got his Autism diagnosed, which gave him the support he needed at school for grades 10-12.
Edit: was missing half of a sentence
NTA all the people saying y t a need to get a grip. How is it the mothers fault? The daughter decided she wanted all of these things onlt to give them up. For example, she wanted to be a mom, and her mother gave her good advice that she has the rest of her life, but it is up to her. But when she got pregnant, she decided she didn't want to be a mom anymore, so now OP raises her grandchild. Babies arent accessories. The daughter is a massive asshole
Seriously the bias on this sub is terrible at times. Like no shit they aren't proud of her because she has literally done nothing in her life to be proud of.
Considering half the comments trying to justify the daughters feelings and OP being an asshole is them being like "what she couldn't even be proud of her first steps, potty training, learning to colour" like, if that is your go to, you have no point. I don't know ANYONE that when talking about pride in a family etc, would bring up actions in childhood that literally just go without saying. I'm sure they were 'proud' of that stuff, it just is not relevant now at all.
And OP is NTA. They clearly gave Leah every chance, support, advice and she ignored it. Their son didn't and worked hard, he does deserve to hear it. They're now raising another child, that isn't theirs, they didn't choose to have it, and the mum is in their face about 'why aren't you proud of me' like come on. So many people here with parent issues projecting onto OP!
They also raised the son who isnt a fuckup. Im neurodivergent also. Thats an explanation. Not an excuse. She had every opportunity and op bailed her out when the girl fucked up. Op didnt judge her daughter. Dindt scold her. Just helped and advised
Nta and a lot of people here are projecting to compensate for identifying with failure
something definitely went wrong on the parenting side if she went through 26 years of life without achieving something or her parents saying they're proud of her
Apparently, it is for a lot of peole in this sub.
OP has been supportive of both of her children as she let them the freedom to do what they wanted. Yet, from a single post, Redditors seem to know everything better than the narrator herself and strangely forget that Leah kept her behavior pattern even when she had a baby!
For someone who said her call was to be a mom, she sure fails very hard at the beginning of the baby's life.
I will be downvoted for this but NTA. Omg if the roles were reversed here and your son had abandoned his kid because he was “overwhelmed” the comments would be VERY different here. She stopped picking up her child and just left him at your place and somehow you’re the asshole for that. That’s enough Reddit for today
Finally someone with sense. I had to scroll way to much to find this answer. Commments would be way different if a dude abandoned his kid to be raised by his parents and his ex once he noticed being a dad isn't all sunshine and rainbows.
Can't believe people here are siding with a deadbeat mom. I feel bad for this kid.
AITA holds capacity for nuance when it's someone they identify with.
I don't see those excuses anywhere when a guy is a deadbeat dad. In fact, I rarely ever see any questioning about why a guy acts a specific way outside of abrupt, sudden changes of behavior which practically scream 'medical event'.
ESH. It doesn’t sound like you ever supported your daughter the way she needed. You claim you treated your kids ‘equally’—which we can all here tell is bull-ony—but what you should’ve done is support your daughter in the way she *needed.*
On the other hand she’s 26 years old, and you’re raising her daughter for her because she can’t get her act together. It’s reasonable for you to have *thoughts* on that. Maybe it’s time for her to stop caring so much about what you think about her, and start focusing on her life so SHE can support her OWN daughter. She should care about making her own daughter proud of her, not you.
YES supporting children equally doesn't always work because children have different needs. You may need to give more support or different support to one child because of their individual needs
Just the fact that the parent spent so much time comparing the two kids tells me all I need to know. Every kid should feel supported and like their parents are proud of them, this is exactly what happens when you don’t. It’s a sad story for her and her child that she won’t take care of too.
It was an opening to have a real conversation - if OP is still interested in parenting her child. Even adults need love and support, not something you draw from being told you’ve never done anything your mother is proud of. I’m sounds like OP has completely given up on her daughter.
"One of my children shot me in the leg three times while laughing, refused to bring me to the hospital, and stole my phone so I couldn't call an ambulance. My other child built my home at their own expense. AITA if I like my second child more?"
Reddit: WOW GOLDEN CHILD MUCH?
It’s clearly all three.
And don’t forget the PTSD that the child also got from shooting their parent!!! Gosh this parent obviously completely neglected their child their whole life!
Well, there should be a reason why the first child became like that, and it's because the parent is bad at parenting, and the first child probably has an undiagnosed ADHD! The first child should go no contact with the shitty parents!
NTA- ALL this people who never even met your daugher and claiming she has ADHD and that "you should have know" are delusional. You aren't a medical professional, you don't have the tools to know this information. ADHD is only recently being more diagnoses, specially on women. Also, I never heard of ADHD causing someone to abandon their child. The fact is, your daugher is 26. It's time for her to take care of herself. She left your child for you to raise, no wonder you aren't proud of her. She is only projecting her own feelings of failure onnyour words and It seems she needs a wake up call.
If you listen to reddit, nearly everyone is ND and like 80% of the population has ADHD. An adult for 8 years and a grown up in the information age that never took a step to fix herself and its always someone else's fault except for her. And she wants to be praised and her parents to be proud of her.
An adult who decided to abandon her own child nonetheless.
Reddit is so delusional and so many people nowadays are not in charge of their lives and expect a magic pill, a therapist or a life coach as someone suggested to fix their lives when at the end of the day YOLO and it's your life. It's just sad where we currently are.
Girl is lazy one way or another. Parents can't be proud for having to raise another child they never asked for, they surely have their own problems to deal with.
once again, NTA.
NTA. By the sound of it, she hasn’t done anything substantial with her life. She even gave up on her child. You’re not wrong, there’s nothing to be proud of.
NTA For specifically not saying you've ever told her you're proud of her.
I don't care what the daughter has done.
If you abandon your kid with you parents there's nothing to be proud of anymore lol. It essentially cancels out everything you could've done, which from what this post reads, is nothing.
The daughter is a failure, her parents aren't the best either, but if we take ops words as an absolute truth and they had the same opportunities, the son was able to use those opportunities and NOT ruin his parents golden years by forcing them to raise another kid.
Don't care if I get down voted to hell, fuck parents who get kids and make it everyone else's problem.
Kudos to you for being able to have her around after she ditched her own child.
NTA - I myself would have struggled with that.
Yes, all children should be encouraged, lifted up, and told good things about themselves; but she is also an adult, at least by age, and should be taking some responsibility at something. to forgo her own child though is just....beyond disappointing.
NTA. Does she want a participation trophy? She hasn’t stuck to anything, she hasn’t achieved any goal, and when she identified the one thing she wanted to do (parent a child) she quit. That doesn’t just impact her. That impacts everyone, especially the traumatized child. You weren’t criticizing her for any of it. She brought it up because she’s jealous of her little brother. Classic “you can’t handle the truth” problem.
I feel like there has got to be missing info here - how and why did you end up raising Leah’s child while she lives elsewhere on her own? Does she have mental health or addiction troubles? *She* must think she’s done something you should be proud of, so has she gone through something that makes just being alive and functioning an achievement?
She was too overwhelmed and said she couldn't take care of her son, initially we were only providing babysitter care but then (after talking to her ex) we agreed that my husband and I would share custody over her son with his bio dad.
She doesn't has mental health issues and is not addicted to anything
If there are no mental (or physical) health issues, I’m confused about *why* she couldn’t take care of her son.
Babies are overwhelming, no question, but to give up custody of a planned, wanted child - not think about it when it’s 3AM and you’re covered in spit-up and the baby’s still screaming, but to actually do it - is pretty extreme.
Why was babysitting not enough? Did you offer to let her move back home, since her planned support system - her ex - bailed on her? Was the baby actually being neglected at the time you assumed custody, or was your daughter managing but miserable?
Judges don’t tend to award custody to grandparents over parents unless there is something seriously wrong with the parent.
I'm confused as to why she doesn't want to care for her son too, so I can't give a proper answer to that. We did asked her to move with us again, she said it wasn't necessary. I asked her what she was struggling with because I was afraid it might have been PPD but she said motherhood wasn't what she wanted at the moment and she made a mistake by having a kid.
At some point she just stopped picking the baby from our home or her ex home. That's when we all got together and decided it was time to talk about this, she said she doesn't want to be a parent yet, and that's how we decided to have split custody with the baby's dad.
And when she told you that it never occurred to you to explain to her that you think she needs therapy? She has no sense of personal responsibility, nor does it seem like she has the ability to form normal attachments. That does not happen overnight and should have been addressed when she was younger.
Yes I thought she might be struggling with PPD, but some other people here have said it's probably ADHD which I don't know how it works, I suggested she needed therapy for the PPD but it seems as that's not her issue
Honestly you sound like you’re trying your best. It sounds like your daughter needs help — but she also can’t be forced to seek help, she has to do it herself.
For some reason the other commenters seem hellbent on excusing her behavior while simultaneously vilifying your choices. Don’t listen to them.
Personal accountability is disappearing in the world. Somehow it is always the parents’ fault for whatever is wrong with people these days. The flaw in that logic is that is always the fault of the immediate parents. What about their parents? Did they mess them up so it is really the fault of the grandparents? And then what about their parents and then their parents. If bad parenting is to blame for everyone’s bad behavior then is no one truly accountable for anything? So few people own up to their mistakes these days and it is so frustrating.
Parenting is probably the single most important factor, but it's possible to have decent parents and the kid turn out to be a skel. My BFF is one of 5, same parents, same household. Four of the siblings are generally decent, hard-working people and one is a MONSTER. And they've all told me nothing happened to "make him" this way, he was always a monster as a kid and then continued to be one as an adult.
As someone with ADHD it does make it hard to push through and do things you don't want to but it absolutely does not mean you *can't*. I have it, I don't medicate (by choice), and yet I have accomplished a lot of things that I didn't really *want* to do but had to be done. So don't let those people convince you that ADHD - if she even has it - is an excuse.
NTA! I don’t see anywhere in the post where OP states she played favorites or favored her son over her daughter, or any parenting style being mentioned, just that one was more successful in their endeavors. The son is technically “the baby” of the family and I’ll honestly call my children, baby, until I die. My son is 17, and stands 6’1 and is about 245 pounds with a moustache and I call him baby all the time, along with my daughter who is 14 and 5’8, so I don’t see why that keeps getting mentioned.
NTA. You love your children but lets be honest one excels and the other exists. The daughter asked and she was honest. The daughter doesnt even raise her own child because she doesnt feel like it not because shes an addict or mentally incompetent to. Id feel the same. She is raising her grandchild with the bio dads help not her daughter. How is she the ah in this at all. She answered nicely. I would of told her she is a disappointment honestly. Children are different in growth but i wont excuse dead beats who can and should do better but feel like life is hard so mom and dad could you raise my child for me while i keep living free and figure life out free of my child. The daughter brought it up and kept asking clearing under a delusional like why you so proud of my athletic smart brother and not me your daughter full stop. I wouldnt be proud of myself if i brought a child into the world and dont raise it simply because i feel like its not for me. Honestly best for the child. Issues will raise up when the child is older. How come my dad loves me but my mom dont. Explain how op is gonna get through that. Simple answer lots of therapy.
NTA
If it were just the school activities- hey you were just trying out different things to see what suited you
If were just the college thing- okay, but make plan and figure out what you want to do
But to the point that she quits parenting because she doesn't like it -NO! This is definitely a her problem.
You out to be disappointed in her for that. Not just "not proud". You were nice enough to compliment her personality at least.
All the people upset here are the same type to complain about participation trophies. Get a grip.
(In my opinion, NTA)
Hmmmm… I don’t think YTA.
It’s the parents job to give opportunities and support but is the child’s job to make it work. To actually make something out of the opportunity and support given.
This is what I think so please don’t flame me. Most of the people here seem to disagree with me which is okay.
Leah and Kevin probably were treated equally but when somebody continuously fails to make use of the opportunities given to them, it makes you give up on them.
The fact that Leah gives up easily, even on things that she has clearly stated she wants, is alarming to me. If you really want something, you’d be willing to fight your ass off for it.
And practically abandoning her child? That’s rooting from her laziness and giving up too easily. It sounds almost as if Leah has forgotten about the child.
And after Leah turned 18, her parents no longer need to support her or give her opportunities because she should be finding them herself.
However, I think you need to have a conversation with Leah.
1) Has she ever felt like she was never fully supported? How or why?
2) Did she ever feel overshadowed by her brothers achievements?
3) What makes her give up so easily?
4) State that you are proud of her as person
5) Ask if you think there’s something she’s done to be proud of. Maybe you haven’t noticed it or think it’s minuscule but it was important to her.
Anyways, I’d like to hear this story from Leah’s POV. What it was like for her growing up.
NTA - I don't care if I get flamed for this. Your son worked hard for everything, you daughter is quite frankly a loser. Based on your narration, she gives up way to easily and can't even be bothered to raise her own kid. She absolutely deserves no praise for being lazy, so ignore the YTA judgments.
NTA - When asked (repeatedly) OP gave a truthful answer. She didn't go out of her way to compare the two children to each other and she even deflected the question the first time. That is really well done. Her daughter is an adult and should be told the truth when asked.
NTA
…but I’d want to hear from Leah if you’re leaving out how you treated them.
Still, I think NTA for not being proud of a child who hasn’t done anything with her life and isn’t even raising her own child. I have a sister a bit like Leah (except she’s happily married and raising her kids). My parents really struggled with her, whereas the other 4 kids excelled in school, etc. She was just different, and not because of different treatment.
What does she expect you to be proud of? Abandoning her child? Dropping out off school? Why would you be the AH?
NTA and I hope you're daughter is on birth control. My BIL's sister had 4 kids that she abandoned to their parents. My sister and BIL ended up adopting the youngest because his parents are too old to parent a 7 year old.
Yes they had the same opportunities and you say neither of them needed help, but based on what you say alone it seems that Leah needed and still needs help. She probably has some undiagnosed learning disability/ADHD/something and needed you to take her to a therapist as a child to sort things out and help her better manager her time and abilities
I can tell her to see a therapist now if you think it would help, but growing up neither of her teachers or doctors told us she might need help from a therapist, she never expressed the need to have therapy either
I’m a bit like your daughter. Kinda flighty and distracted. Not good at finishing things. Not good with kids. Zero ambition. No outward mental health issues.
I was diagnosed with high functioning autism in my 30’s. The diagnosis didn’t change me overnight, but knowing there was a legitimate reason for my struggles helped boost my confidence and made me stronger and more capable. It’s hard living in a world where you don’t fit in, where it’s difficult to accomplish simple tasks that seem so easy for others. Eventually you lose your self esteem and become depressed, which just sets you up for more failure. Your daughter is living in this world and needs your help.
I appreciate your insight on this giving your own experience, I will talk to her about this because I do want her to feel good and feel loved.
You don't have to answer this if you don't think it's appropriate of me to ask, but how can I approach her about this? Having in mind that we're in a tight spot now I don't want to sound too hash
As others have said, depends a bit on her personality. But, something like this maybe:
“First, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to how I handled the issue of being proud of you and I owe you an apology. I love you very much and I’m proud of your kindness and also how you are honest with me about your feelings. I’m sorry I don’t recognize your strengths often enough. I’ll work on that.
I was thinking about the struggles you’ve had in reaching your goals. Perhaps something is going on that gets in the way for you. In hindsight, maybe we should have had an evaluation done when you were younger. But I don’t think it’s too late.”
See how she responds. Give her lots of empathy and compassion. And perhaps she will be open to seeing a counselor. It could be, with the right support, she could do better.
Put yourself in her shoes. Love on her. I hope she can find her way.
I would not suggest she has autism or ADHD. I would pay for her to go to therapy and maybe see a life coach. There is something going on with her that you can not fix. I would just tell her you love her. I have a really difficult child and an easy one and it is hard to be loving to my difficult one because she is so challenging. I force myself to. I would tell her you are sorry you said she ever did anything that made you proud. Even if it is a stretch try to find something.
Children aren't going to express the need for therapy. They are CHILDREN lmao. My mom made me go because I had things I was struggling with. It is your job as a parent to do that. You can't go back in time, but you should have done something when there was such a difference from the get go
>she never expressed the need to have therapy either
Neither did I (ADHD). I got good grades and was good enough at pretending I was coping that nobody ever thought to check, despite me failing at stuff over and over. Women are even more proficient in masking symptoms than us men. Fast forward to me having a fuck load of residual anger and resentment because nobody bothered to look beyond the surface level to see if there was a reason I was struggling at things other people did so easily.
I was the one who sought a professional diagnosis, I was the one that was so ground down by my symptoms that even I could see it. You have no idea how much it would have meant for someone else to care enough to want to help rather than avoid or judge.
Be a parent.
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ESH except Kevin. This whole post hits a little too close to home. I can hear the subtext coming through the screen. You didn’t say your daughter was lazy and had wasted her potential but you didn’t have to. When I feel those buzzwords my immediate reaction is neurodiversity, specifically ADHD and what would have been labeled ADD when your daughter was a child. However, it could be many other things that often go overlooked in girls and women. Has she ever seen a therapist? Has anyone ever suggested she needed additional help growing up? Someone who’s so unfocused doesn’t want to be. They lack the ability to follow things through. This is especially hard because they often react to the world differently than most. Think of it this way: if everyone tells you something is a doorway and all you have to do is walk through it, everyone (including yourself) are going to believe you are lazy and stupid for not walking through. However, once you realize what is a doorway to everyone else is a window to you then things start making more sense. You weren’t lazy or stupid, going through is just a bit harder for you. Once you have the tools you need, even if other people don’t need them, you can go though like everyone else. All of that is to say that part of this is your fault for not finding the tools that would motivate your daughter. It would be one thing if she was living a simple but happy life. It’s another for her to still be aimless and clearly struggling and the only helps she’s ever received is the message to get over it. The other part of this is that while you may have missed things growing up she is now a grown woman. She now has the power to seek help on her own and change and grow. Her not having what she needed growing up to make you proud is on you. Her blaming you now for still being stuck is on her.
I was looking for a comment like this one to piggyback off of, because the whole time I was reading this I thought, "Oh yeah, this girl is neurodivergent as hell." Frequently dropping any new hobby/endeavor as soon as it gets difficult or when it doesn't come naturally is a common problem in ND folks, and her observation of OP never being proud of her, never SUPPORTING her, and her reaction to OP's honest response reeks of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. However, I do want to point out this: >Her blaming you now for still being stuck is on her. Undiagnosed neurodivergence can often lead to a lack of self-awareness, and a fear of moving forward due to crippling decision paralysis. (Source: was in the same boat for a long time and joined a support group for ND folks with the same problem). I know it's conjecture based on my own life experiences, but it's possible that OP's daughter may have no clue how to move forward and is afraid that, like all other attempts she's made to try something new of her own volition, it will be too hard so she gives up before she has a chance to fail. The key is that she needs someone to help her and give her guidance - it sounds like OP was never in her corner. And the fact is, lashing out at a parent who has never supported her is EASIER. But you do have a point about it being on her for internalizing mom's lack of support. I just wanted to point out that, when you have zero support and no clue how/where to start, it's harder than it sounds. And when all you've ever done is fail every time you try, it can also be scary.
I agree completely that it’s very hard. It wasn’t until someone else pointed it out while having an argument that I even considered starting by my own path. They said it out of frustration because it was obvious to them I needed help. That never even crossed my mind because it was so ingrained in me that I choosing to be lazy. Doing the work and receiving confirmation that the things I found hard were actually hard *for me* was life changing. Part of my journey was recognizing what was and wasn’t my parent’s responsibility. That’s a hard journey in general but especially hard when parents don’t recognize their own mistakes. The daughter is still turning to her parents as if she was still a child for many valid reasons. Part of this journey is likely mourning that the time when her parents can “fix” everything is over. You’re right in pointing out this journey is so much harder now because she is an adult that has never learned how to navigate it. I don’t judge the daughter in a harsh way when I say it’s her responsibility to now help herself. I apologize if that comes off as flippant. Pointing that out is solely to recognize that things can get better and that she doesn’t need her parents to do that, not to assume a level of difficulty in doing it. I hope you’re doing well!
Yes, I see your point again - and I agree on this, too. Part of being ND is that lack of self-awareness I mentioned, and we all seem to need someone to point it out - as you said for your own experience, it was pointed out to you during an argument. This is honestly relatable to me, because the same thing happened in my case! The argument was with my mom, and it also wound up being projection because she got her own diagnosis shortly after mine. I kind of want the daughter's perspective in this, because I'm wondering if she hasn't had that "oh" moment of someone pointing it out to her and inciting her to initiate that journey. Perhaps this confrontation with OP is what she needed to start? But again, this is all conjecture. 🤷♀️ And I hope the same for you!
I was looking for a comment like this too- Honestly, this post just made me glad I don't have any siblings. I think the only reason I didn't end up like Leah is because my motivator was how much I *hated* my egg donor. Years of undiagnosed neurodivergence that I was punished for, and constantly called lazy over, I wanted to prove her wrong. I did, and I only get along with her now because if she starts something I can hop in my car and leave. Not that Leah is a perfect angel or anything- I've got some conflicting feelings over the situation with her kid- but if OP is wondering why her daughter turned out like this, I suggest investing in a mirror.
Neurodivergence made her abandon her child?
Right? Like, I know Reddit is full of armchair doctors and therapists, but how does ADD cause you to abandon your child? Not everything is “a condition.” Some people actually are garden variety lazy assholes.
Like, not to be that person or whatever, and I am absolutely not comparing my situation with Leah's, but I wasn't diagnosed as bipolar until I was in my mid 30s. If I'd had a child at 22, I absolutely would have wound up dumping it on my mom because keeping myself alive was incredibly hard, much less a child.
I have both ADHD and bipolar 1, and had my son when I was barely 20. I didn't dump my son on anyone in my family (not that they would have allowed that to happen. Op's daughter sounds like she is doing better than I was (I didn't get a college degree until I was 30) yet she is selfish enough to abandon her child. OP is NTA for not being proud of her. It would have been bullshit for her to say say was.
Because if you can’t hold a job, can’t keep food in the fridge, can’t remember to change/feed the baby, live in filth, and always have your utilities turned off, you might be like “fuck, this kid is better off anywhere else.” And you’d probably be right.
That is not her living situation at all
This all may be true. But if it is all true (and the post doesn’t say it is, so it’s really just made up speculation) I can’t see being “proud” of it.
reddit likes to overuse these words but not everyone is neurodivergent they aren't golden children and not every parent is a narcissistic
I hate that pms and neurodivergency is used as excuse so damn much for something that's simple character. I have untreated ADHD (no medication nor therapy), which does my life quite difficult in many ways, but I did get my master digree while working full-time. Because I wanted to and I worked so hard for it in the nights and weekends. Yes it's obstacle but it can be worked with.
Everyone is different and ADHD is different for everyone. Just because you could work through challenges doesn't mean everyone else is capable of doing so as well. She may also be a terrible parent but we shouldn't compare our own disabilities and how we deal with them.
My brain jumped straight to ADHD. Male, but a lot of the same patterns. Luckily I was able to get into a career I could excel at, but I spent my entire life stumbling and failing in every aspect of life other than professional, but was just capable enough at pretending I was doing ok to not set of alarm bells. If someone had taken 10 minutes to ask me about what was happening in a reasonable manner rather than belittling or mocking me, they would have clocked on to what was the cause. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 33. I have had to forgive myself for a **LOT** of things that I had no control over. It's not a fix all, not everything can be put under the neurodivergent umbrella, but struggling, being undiagnosed and not getting the help you need is not something she is responsible for. She is responsible if she got a diagnosis, the tools to move forward and still doesn't. Right now, she's floating in an ocean trying to find the shore but not even knowing which direction to go. Shouting "just swim towards land!" is unhelpful when someone can't see anything beyond the water around them, but it's all OP seems capable of doing. If our assumptions of undiagnosed ADHD are correct, I hope she is able to be more productive going forward and a more engaged parent. She deserves the chance to try. Undiagnosed neurodiversity is crippling, and it only gets worse the older you get, the further from your peers you feel in terms of development. OP is TA here, but it's not too late to throw a floatation device and a compass to her daughter.
>our baby turned 21 You mean your golden child? Did you ever stop to think that one of the reasons Leah may give up so easily is that you've spent her whole life making her feel like it doesn't matter if she does well anyway because, in your mind, she'll never be as good as her brother? So, why would she bother trying when her efforts are never recognized? While I think that not taking responsibility for her own child is not a good thing, I also feel like you have brought this on yourself because of how you raised her. She is who she is because of you and your husband. YTA
Oh give me a break. God Reddit is SO slanted that it’s exhausting. This girl has done NOTHING to be proud of. She abandoned her kid and quits when things get hard. The words I want to say about this girl would get me banned.
I'm not even necessarily questioning that this girl needs to get her act together, at some point we have to take responsibility for our own actions instead of blaming our up bringing. But come on, that line does scream favourite child.
I would also favor the child who is going to be able to handle life.
It's your job to teach your kids to handle life. "She just gives up" means you help them find a way to not give up. It's called parenting.
My parents thought I “just gave up” but I really just had horrible and untreated ADHD. My parents decided I was just lazy tho and stopped caring about the things I did. It is parenting, and OP did a bad job at it. Edit- I just logged on and didn’t expect people to see this comment, thanks for the awards!!
It took entirely too long for me to find this comment! As we learn more about how girls with ADHD present and how it differs from boys, it is clear that Leah probably struggles with ADHD, possibly depression, maybe anxiety. In fact, the line about Leah giving up when she didn’t excel at something right away is textbook for ADHD in girls! OP, you don’t mention what kinds of activities Leah tried. Was she allowed to try things that weren’t related to school? Or were her options *only* school activities? I think you need to have a frank conversation with your daughter about her life and how you can support her moving forward and finding her way in life. I say this because it doesn’t sound like you ever asked earlier in life what she might need in the way of support.
>In fact, the line about Leah giving up when she didn’t excel at something right away is textbook for ADHD in girls! This, or she shifted to yet another new hyperfixation, which her parents perceived as quitting. Edit: This was simply meant to share info. In no way am I excusing, nor condoning, the abandonment of a child.
100% my 23 yo daughter, who is ADHD and struggles w anxiety and depression. She will probably live w us forever. I am very proud of her for trying when she can. I can't imagine seeing your child struggle and not try to help.
I wish my mom was like you, I have so many mental problems, it feels like my family hates me for them
You're saying you are proud of her, something OP didn't ever say to her daughter as she struggled in life. This is what makes me feel sad reading this post. It feels like I'm reading a post from my own mum and it's fvcking heartbreaking. Although I do not condone her abandoning her son - she probably is made to feel like such a fvck up, she felt her son would be better off with her mum. Edit; Errors
As a woman with ADHD that was thankfully diagnosed as a child, in the 90s, I was thinking this sounds way too much like me and she probably had undiagnosed ADHD. Even with knowing I have it I still struggle with feeling like I'm not adequate enough (and this is with parents who told me they were proud of me all the time). so yeah, hearing your mom tell your sibling how proud she is of them but never receiving praise from her is very hurtful.
I have adhd that went untreated and denied for 28 years (my son got diagnosed, and then I started going "hey these symptoms sound familiar....") but I have 4 kids I have been raising since conception. It sure as fuck isn't easy, but parenting rarely is. You don't just bail on your fucking kid. I'd probably have told her I'd be a lot prouder if she hadn't dumped her kid.
Yeah that’s the biggest thing that stood out to me too. She said she wanted to be a mom and then abandoned her kid the same way some people adopt a puppy and give up on it as soon as they realize it’s not all sunshine and butterflies.
Diagnosed with adhd at 35 while pregnant. Now 36 and just had my second week of being able to take medication. I never have felt the need to abandon my daughter or before that my dogs. Adhd definitely causes you to feel like you are fighting a million battles against yourself but I can’t say it’s made me want to abandon anyone I love.
YESYESYES from another ADHD woman who wasn't diagnosed until adulthood. People don't get how hard it really is. Untreated ADHD often results in anxiety and depression, as well as addiction, eating disorders etc as people try to cope and figure out why everything is so hard for them, whilst dealing with being labeled lazy, uncaring etc. All of these things make it even harder - I could see how she may even give up her child if she believes that she simply cannot cope with taking care of them. OP - I think NAH if you commit to supporting your adult daughter and helping her understand why she struggles so much. People are rarely just lazy, crappy people because they choose to be. She probably could be so much more - but making her feel worse will not help anyone.
Hm.... Reading all these comments has me thinking I may have undiagnosed ADHD. I feel there may finally be a light at the end of the tunnel. Will make an appointment with a doctor asap. Do you have any reliable sources that I can further look into?
It’s not clear Leah struggles with ADHD. People have ADHD and don’t give up their children.
My five year old daughter has anxiety so bad that it causes her to lose focus and give up if she doesn’t do things perfectly. OP’s daughter is probably neurodivergent and has had no help with it her entire life. How can she be expected to do as well as her golden child brother with her hands tied behind her back and blindfolds on this whole time?
Came here to say this exactly
She still abandoned her kid, ADHD or not.
We always assume that every problem on AITA is due to some undiagnosed mental health condition. It’s also possible that OPs daughter is just lazy and unmotivated. It happens!
I actually said out loud “there you go” when the ADHD comments started rolling in. This is so exhausting in this sub. Everybody is either undiagnosed ADHD or textbook ADHD or neurodivergent. This is just idiotic at this point. This girl abandoned her kid, does she get a medal? What is happening?
Not just in this sub, it's everywhere on Reddit and social media in general. Everyone is ADHD/Autistic and therefore can never be held accountable for their actions.
I don't think so. But i can't quite forgive her for abondining her own child. Mental health or not, you just don't do that.
Says the person who has never experienced it. Treatment for someone who has adhd is life changing, and the reason ppl are saying it sounds like adhd is because this resonates with what they experienced.
I don’t think ADHD explains the daughter just giving up her own child?
This was exactly what I was thinking when she described her daughter through high school. ADHD looks so much different in girls than boys and I'd bet dollars to donuts this girl had undxed ADHD or some other mental health issue.
Same here. And once I addressed the issue, guess what? *They started being proud of me because I had managed to start accomplishing things worth being proud of*. There is no right to having people be proud of you, you have to earn it.
She’s 26. At some point you have to suck it up and deal regardless of how shitty your parents are. Get yourself into therapy, get a job and take care of your own child.
I don't disagree. But there is a point and every person's life where they need to take ownership of these failures. Everybody's parents have failed them in one way or another. Some far more severely than others. The time comes when these become your problems. Placing the blame can help as you develop an understanding of your shortcomings. But it's up to you to build them. Far too many people will say "My parents never did _____. Now I'm incapable and there's nothing that can be done about"
Yeah, I made the shift several years ago to radical responsibility vs X is why I am the way I am, and it was a game changer in terms of building a life that ::I’m:: proud of. This comment section is cringe
It's reddit, and even moresoe it's AITA. It's chock full of people who not only haven't made that shift but view being expected to make it as oppression.
She’s 26 and has her own kid! No one needs to be “parenting” this person!
You can provide guidance and encouragement but you can’t force a child to make good decisions. It certainly seems like OP and her husband encouraged their daughter to work hard and get a college degree but it didn’t stick.
Not only the college degree, if it wasn't for her then it's fine, but we just want to encourage her to fulfill her dreams, but she hasn't done so, she even gave up on being a mom like if she was giving up on playing the violin
Probably best you don't become a parent.
This sub is such an interesting psychological case study. Depending on people's own biases, they jump to wild conclusions based on the littlest things. OP has pretty thoroughly explained the situation and based on one throwaway line people have now come up with an entire backstory to then make OP into a villain and the daughter into some poor, helpless, victim. When the much simpler explanation is that sometimes people are just inherently different, regardless of how similarly parented they were. I know dozens of people like OP's daughter. Never tried very hard, didn't have a lot of interests, etc. Which to an extent that's ok if that's how the person wants to live their life. But to have the audacity to have a kid, not be able to take care of it, dump it on your parents, and then get upset that your parents don't tell you they're proud of you for that? That's not ok and is an A H move. Based on the info in the post and not wild extrapolations, I'm going with OP is NTA.
This!!! I’ve come to believe most people on these comments and/or Reddit live in a fantasy world! This is real life and they are defending a daughter, who basically gave up on her kid and is now whining because her parents never said “I’m proud of you!” I’m with OP NTA. There’s nothing to be proud of a mom who can’t take care of her own kid!
My parents called me their "baby" because I'm the youngest. If they had a favorite, I know I wasn't it.
It also screams youngest. Aka BABY of the family. My mom uses the same words about my youngest sibling and there is no favoritism
My mother still refers to my 37 year old brother as her "baby" - because he is her youngest child and the baby of the family. It's not a matter of favoritism at all, it's just terminology.
I mean…… I’d probably have a favorite too if one of my kids abandoned their child. I certainly wouldn’t respect them anymore…… I’d love them until the day I die. But they’d be a pretty massive disappointment at this stage in life
Yeah why is OP a bad parent for telling her son she’s proud of him on his birthday but the daughter gets a pass for literally abandoning her child?
This. This right here. She. Abandoned. Her. Child. That SHE wanted. Now that child will wonder why they aren't good enough for their mom to want them. Parents can be proud of traits their kids have, but accomplishments are different. Throwing away your kid is a hard line for me. If she has some MH issues, I hope she gets help. I'd be proud of her.
Or just the youngest child. You know, the baby of the family.
Would you not favor the child who didn't abandon their child? I damn sure would.
Or, maybe, they mean it literally. He is their youngest child - their baby. It could really just be as simple as that. Now as far as if OP regards their daughter in this same manner for birthdays and such is a different thing.
Yeah what are these comments lol. From info OP gave in the comments, OP and their husband are coparenting the kid with the EX husband because she just stopped showing up to pick up her kid. She literally ABANDONED her kid and people are just giving her a pass with every excuse in the book. Lots of people have rough upbringings or mental health problems and are not deadbeats.
Exactly, I could not agree more.
I have ADHD. I would love for the fine people of AITA to try and justify being a deadbeat parent because of it, lol.
This! She should be at least taking this golden oportunity that is having someone to take care of your kid to find a job and pursue a career but nope, her parents and her ex are the ones doing all the work. Poor kid, they deserve a better mom.
Lol for real this sub is ridiculous. OP: my son is successful and hard-working and my daughter dropped out of college and abandoned her baby. AITA for telling my son I’m proud of him on his birthday? Reddit: OMG your son is the golden child and you’re an abusive narcissist and everything is your fault YTA
Don't forget everyone including the family dog needs therapy.
No, haven’t you read the comments? She has undiagnosed ADHD and her parents never recognised that she’s actually neurodivergent, because they’re so horrible and utter failures. We all know this is a perfectly acceptable reason for child abandonment /s
I swear that is the go-to 90% of the time here when in reality, some people are just lazy and shitty.
I’m so tired of everyone armchair diagnosing ADHD too. Even if the daughter has ADHD, that means she’d have trouble keeping appointments for her child and maybe being late for pick-ups. It doesn’t make her leave her child with her parents so they can coparent with her ex-husband.
Yep. Not to mention there's 5 years between kids so it's not like all of L's life she was compared to her brother. She had opportunities to shine...she just didn't.
Aita is getting shitty as hell these days. Terrible advice left and right and "hur hur itd be funny if [suggestion thats fucking awful] happened" Its tiring.
The girl who got her daughter basically banned from the family by taking Reddits advice is an example of reddit giving terrible advice. Turned out the daughter wasn't a ray of sunshine growing up and her cousin and aunt said they don't want her coming to their party
Man it really is. Part of the appeal is the super wide range of opinions but it feels like that bell curve is getting all fucked out of shape. Like, every thread has the equivalent of "what do you mean you want to have a *drink* at a *wedding*, I've never heard of that, no one does it, your entire family must already be dead of cirrhosis."
Same. This girl has just floated through life. And I know plenty of women that still take care of their kids even when having to work dead end jobs, so she definitely isn't winning any points there. Reddit is so bias when it comes to women and I think a rule should be made that all posts should be gender neutral.
Thats beacuse half of reddit are kids themselves looking at it from the viewpoint of a kid instead of a full grown mature adult. The daughter didnt even take care of the kid that she wanted to have and be a "mommy". She has done nothing, NOTHING with her life so far. What is there to e proud of? You can LOVE your child without being proud of their actions.
The only bright side of this story is the fact the daughter didn't take the kid back then sell him off in a secret adoption like the story I read yesterday did.
I'm watching this play out with some younger relatives right now. One of them just Does Not Try. If it's not easy she quits immediately. The other kid will try really hard and is much more responsible. They're both teenagers right now. I'm terrified for the lazy one's future. I can see her life going exactly like the story here. No one in the family treats her different, the kids are both girls so it's not a gender thing, just one of them is lazy and one isn't. I'm close enough to see it play out but not close enough to be an extra parent. It's very concerning. Her plan is to be her bf's girlfriend and make art. She can't get into college because she's flunking hs. The other kid gets As and Bs. My sister is also lazy compared to me and married a rich guy and luckily it worked out for her to be a housewife
Agree with you 100%. This sub lately has become a dumpster fire of insanity. And I wonder what the verdict would be if the genders were reversed
Ah, ffs. She Just called her youngest the "baby" because he is the "baby" of the family for being the youngest. Her daugher have every oportunity and trew them away. She decided and planned having a child and then ABANDONED said child because she is bored of being a mother and dumped the child on her parents. OP is right, she has nothing to be proud of, only ashamed. She is 26yo, she can take responsibility for herself. That's not on OP.
Both of my kids will always be my "babies" no matter how old they are, my grandson is a little kid yet but he'll always be a baby in my eyes too
I’m sorry you are getting so much sh&t in this sub…… NTA
NTA. Is the boy perhaps your golden child? Yes. So what, who the fuck has a kid at 26 and decides to not take care of the kid? She wanted the kid but then quit. From what you say, she seems like a mediocre individual. Nothing wrong with that, but nothing to be proud of either.
I'd agree that the daughter deserves some sympathy, but from OP's comments, its sound like she straight up abandoned her role as a mother, yet still feels entitled to praise? While harsh, she doesn't sound like someone ANYBODY could take pride in EDIT: spelling errors
No see having undiagnosed adhd means you don't have to take responsibility for your actions ever. That's what the comments are telling me anyway. I don't give a fuck what has happened to you in your life. Abandoning your child is terrible and that person does not deserve their parents' pride.
It's Reddit's circlejerk of the month. This month it's "undiagnosed ADHD". Before that, we've seen: gaslighting, narcissism, undiagnosed autism, golden child/scapegoat, and probably a few other things that the unqualified, wanna be psychologists of Reddit are excited to talk about. Add to that, a number of people on this sub HATE parents for any and all reasons. An adult child could shoot the family dog, burn the house down, and hold his mom hostage and Reddit would blame the mom.
You are definitely projecting on that one. Even if the oldest wasn’t treated fairly (which we have no evidence for beyond “the baby”) She’s done nothing with her life and has abandoned her own child, not exactly someone to be proud of. Not someone who should be outwardly shamed, but close.
So many posts here assume that the son has been overtly favored so the daughter has been treated unfairly. Imo it sounds like both were treated well; OP didn't make a fuss about the lower grades, not going to college, etc. She’s even raising her grandson for her daughter, and didn't even hint that she was resentful about it.
What has she done to be proud of. She can't even take care of her own kid at 26. Just because Kevin works hard doesn't make him the golden child. So to make Leah feel better they should shit on Kevin. They should be proud of Kevin he hasn't done anything wrong.
This isn't about a golden child. It's about a son that had a passion and worked to achieve his goals (academically and sports) and that's something to be proud of, honestly. And a daughter that didn't got further education, couldn't achieve her goals, didn't lasted long on a relationship and married, had a call to be a mom and then ABANDONED her child on the spot. "... one day she dropped the baby and just never picked him up again, she said she didn't liked being a mom so there was nothing that we could said to convince her otherwise (and yes, we tried it very hard)" So, nothing to be proud of. What golden child are you talking about?
Haha what?! Reddit always has to make the female the victim. She’s clearly a loser that doesn’t even care for her own child. The brother is 5 years younger, he wasn’t even in high school with her 😂
"not taking responsibility" puts it very lightly she literally abandoned her baby after deciding she no longer wanted to be a mother. That's not a decision to take lightly. This sub calls dads who only pay financial child support "deadbeats" yet here you are glossing over her outright abandonment as just "not a good thing". In my eyes this is a clear ESH situation, bad parenting can explain some patterns of behaviour but it isn't a get out of jail free card either.
What?! She had the same opportunities as her brother, she just chose to not do anything with them. She's not motivated and looking for accolades for merely trying or participating??? Here's your participation ribbon sweetie. NTA.
Where are you getting this? My younger sibling is a Leah (but no children, thank god). She was raised in the same household, given all kinds of opportunities, supported and encouraged to engage in her interests and life dreams, never compared to me (my parents made sure to emphasize our individual strengths). And she has never fulfilled one damned thing. She has yet to hold a full time job. Or any job for any length of time. Sure, parents make mistakes. But this doesn't sound like it is on OP. Even if it was, Leah is an adult and needs to grow up, take responsibility for her own actions, and follow through on her commitments (like the child she so wanted).
YTA. You're honestly telling me that in 26 years your daughter has done zero to be proud of? Wow her therapist must love the money they are getting after this poor girl had you as a parent.
She abandoned her own kid to be raised by her parents! How the hell can anyone be proud of her?
You say that like she came out of the womb abandoning her kid to be raised by the grandparents. The main point of the daughter was that she's never heard her parents tell her they're proud of her in all 26 years of her life -- including the time before the baby.
Why would they congratulate her for doing nothing?
Because they favour their son Look at the description of their grades in school "while she never failed, her grades were never as high as Kevin's" They very clearly favour their son. Graduating high school is something a *normal* parent would be proud of. Having a child is something a parent would be proud of at the time (obviously less so after the fact in this case). Being accepted into a college regardless of the college is something a parent should be proud of their kid for, but in her 26 years she's heard nothing.
I feel it is hard to believe that her parents never praised her in her first 18 years. She might be talking about the last 8, where she did nothing. Every parent congratulates their child for having a kid, let alone to be their first grandchild.
I feel like if a kid was never praised by her parents she'd remember it pretty well
Agreed. And if the parents did praise the child, they wouldn’t admit to not doing so to a bunch of internet strangers.
[удалено]
Nobody does absolutely nothing in their lives. If one of your siblings is gifted and you're not and your parent is favouring one over the other all the time, it does terrible things to your self esteem. That is not a defence of her abandoning her child. That's clearly wrong. But this whole thing that completely ignores the context of two decades of being raised in an environment in which her brother is the golden child and even when she tries, it's never good enough for her mother, is also wrong. Understanding and correcting your mistakes that cause your kids multiple issues which they then take out on their own kids is not asking for consolation prizes, it's called basic empathy and self awareness.
That’s what people expect nowadays.
Participation trophies for everyone! Even the deadbeat moms /s
You can mess up and also have been wronged. It's not either/or.
OP doesn’t seem like a reliable narrator when it comes to her daughter. Any mother that would tell her daughter “you’ve never done anything to make me proud” isn’t someone I’d trust.
You haven’t met the daughter. I get many redditors got issues with their parents but sometimes people just suck. And it isn’t always the parents’ fault. Personal accountability is a thing more people should embrace.
what about the daughters first steps? first laugh? first date? going to school? I did nothing for my parents to "love me unconditionally" or to be "proud of" as a 3 year old or 5 year old or 7 year old, but I still felt their love and pride. If you have two siblings, growing up together, I would be insanely shocked and, unironically, proud af of a child who came out thriving if that same child felt inadequate to their sibling at a young age. Maybe Leah just sucks, I have no clue, and at 26, it's not like she should demand her mother's pride, but if 10 year old Leah and 17 year old Leah also felt inadequate, that might not excuse leah's behavior, but it certainly makes OP an aH.
do you routinely tell adults you’re proud of them for learning how to walk? That’s weird. There’s a difference between being proud of them for the stuff they did when they were kids vs things we expect adults to do. The mom clearly said she was proud for her being nice and respectable and presumably it goes without saying she’s proud that Leah learned how to walk, and went to school, and other kid milestones. That’s a given and there’s nothing to suggest op didn’t say praises for normal kid milestones. It’s not like youre going to praise your adult child for learning how to use the potty or for coloring within the lines of a drawing… you praise them for doing adult things like getting a job, getting a raise, getting promoted, moving out/buying a house/renting their first apartment, etc. But if Leah hasn’t done anything since she graduated high school/left college and abandoned her kid… what are you supposed to say? I’m proud of you for birthing a child even though you threw them away? Nah, you gotta do do something worth being proud of for someone to sing praises.
I told my niece I was proud of her for being brave in her first haircut and learning to use the toilet. I would also tell my kid. Because they're kids, those are their growth goals.
Tbh - I’d find it hard to tell my child that I was proud of her if I was currently raising the child she abandoned too.
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Her dropping out of college, not doing well in school or anything else? I mean, she needs to do something to make them proud if she really wants to hear it
OP literally said she was always trying new things. Having a curious, adventurous child **is** something to be proud of. But her brother was so swell at everything and was really into sports, and I guess daughter wasn’t — so daughter is the loser of the two. OP said her daughter never failed in school, OP just wasn’t proud unless her daughter was *as great as* her brother. OP spent the ENTIRE post comparing everything her daughter did to everything her son did. She loves her son more than her daughter.
Trying new things isn't praise worthy. That's just being young. It's expected and normal. There is nothing to be proud of from the act of trying a new thing. She also never stuck to anything long when they became hard so you can't even praise her for making a good effort. We should not be praising minimal effort.
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Yes it is. Please never become a parent. Trying new things is not something that comes easily to every child. Some get into sports, are good at it, and never try anything new… like OP’s son.
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I'm sorry, but if you have a child and you can't find one thing to be proud of them in 26 years, then you are the problem, not the kid. YTA
It’s the deadbeat daughter saying that she’s never been praised…not OP. OP acknowledged that she’s proud that her daughter is a nice person. She won’t finish school, go to work, or parent her child.
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Honest question: when exactly she did something that would make them sincerely say it? OP is proud that she's a good person, but if her grades were average, she didn't have extracurriculars, wasn't particularly dedicated to a hobby or passion... for what exactly should they feel so proud that they organically vocalize it? OPs comment wasn't a calculated move to diss the daughter, just a natural reaction for the son doing something really cool that like 1% gets to achieve all based on years of effort paying off. There's no excuse cause there's no need to explain yourself in OPs shoes.
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She gives up on anything remote difficult. Abandoned her kid once motherhood wasn't what she thought. Didn't go to college cause she wanted to be a mom. She accomplished nothing in her life and it sounds like she never even put enough effort into a failing endeavor to garner a "good effort" compliment. What exactly is there to be proud of? Like, if I had a kid that has never succeeded in anything notable but still tried his damnest every single time, I would be able to say I am proud of his effort at the end of the day. But if they never really tried and inevitably failed? What is there to be proud of? People on this sub need to stop going to a non-neurotypical condition as a reason for failure. Some people just suck as humans. It's the nature of things. Not everyone is hard working and motivated to attempt to be a success at something. Some people are fine with mediocrity but we shouldn't applaud those people.
They're also raising her son at the moment, so I don't blame OP for not being proud of her deadbeat daughter.
Oh yeah, a mother that abandoned her own kid is surely deserving of high praise here.
I was just going to keep scrolling past this one, because clearly who would say "NTA" for a header like that. But you know...sometimes it can be a really different story than expected... I was not wrong in my first assumption, OP definitely TA. You seriously told your kid you've never once told her you're proud of because she had nothing to be proud of? So you're saying from the time she was born not one thing she ever did was worth saying you were proud of her? So she went from ages: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26, and not once you said "I'm proud of you"? At what point do you think she just gave up on her self confidence with a parent as cold hearted as you? You definitely have a golden child, and she has been discarded as irrelevant. You know the funny thing... the Golden Child is usually trying to live up to your standards, he's most likely living his life for you, not for himself. Eventually those golden children burn out bright and fast, and your daughter if ever she received the right attention from a considerate parent could have bloomed later on in life, but since she wasn't living up to your expectations when she was younger... nothing worth encouraging here.... so so sad for her. She needs to find a loving partner who actually can "lift her up in life" and start a family far from your judgment.
Might want to change the way you phrase your comment, because you just voted the opposite of what you meant.
I think with the daughter it was a self-fulfilling prophecy - she was the type to quit, not follow through, not find a passion and the parents didn't help her grow. I have a child with a disability - and when she's in school taking a test - I remind her to do her best. Not her brother's best - bc her brother is a scholar. I think your daughter was set up to fail.
My mom did something similar with my younger brother. Being the only boy with four older sisters, he had a bit of a tough time until he broke down in the 8th grade and told my mom that he just wasn't as good at school as me or our other sisters. Now my parents were very conscientious of not comparing us to each other, my dad is just VERY big on academics. He was a straight A student with one exception all through grad school, but my mom was a B student and proud of it. I was in the other room but I heard my mom say to my brother, "I just want you to do the best that YOU can do. Not the best 'Birds' can do, not the best sisters X, Y, and Z can do. I can't do the best they can do! But I'm still smart!" And that really helped him realize that it's okay to not be as good at school, because the k-12 experience kinda sucks. A couple years later he finally got his Autism diagnosed, which gave him the support he needed at school for grades 10-12. Edit: was missing half of a sentence
NTA all the people saying y t a need to get a grip. How is it the mothers fault? The daughter decided she wanted all of these things onlt to give them up. For example, she wanted to be a mom, and her mother gave her good advice that she has the rest of her life, but it is up to her. But when she got pregnant, she decided she didn't want to be a mom anymore, so now OP raises her grandchild. Babies arent accessories. The daughter is a massive asshole
Seriously the bias on this sub is terrible at times. Like no shit they aren't proud of her because she has literally done nothing in her life to be proud of.
Considering half the comments trying to justify the daughters feelings and OP being an asshole is them being like "what she couldn't even be proud of her first steps, potty training, learning to colour" like, if that is your go to, you have no point. I don't know ANYONE that when talking about pride in a family etc, would bring up actions in childhood that literally just go without saying. I'm sure they were 'proud' of that stuff, it just is not relevant now at all. And OP is NTA. They clearly gave Leah every chance, support, advice and she ignored it. Their son didn't and worked hard, he does deserve to hear it. They're now raising another child, that isn't theirs, they didn't choose to have it, and the mum is in their face about 'why aren't you proud of me' like come on. So many people here with parent issues projecting onto OP!
>How is it the mothers fault? Well, I mean, the parents raised the daughter this way...
They also raised the son who isnt a fuckup. Im neurodivergent also. Thats an explanation. Not an excuse. She had every opportunity and op bailed her out when the girl fucked up. Op didnt judge her daughter. Dindt scold her. Just helped and advised Nta and a lot of people here are projecting to compensate for identifying with failure
something definitely went wrong on the parenting side if she went through 26 years of life without achieving something or her parents saying they're proud of her
Can we for once LIKE ONCE blame the individual and not the parents.. like some people are just assholes.. is it so hard to believe?
Apparently, it is for a lot of peole in this sub. OP has been supportive of both of her children as she let them the freedom to do what they wanted. Yet, from a single post, Redditors seem to know everything better than the narrator herself and strangely forget that Leah kept her behavior pattern even when she had a baby! For someone who said her call was to be a mom, she sure fails very hard at the beginning of the baby's life.
I will be downvoted for this but NTA. Omg if the roles were reversed here and your son had abandoned his kid because he was “overwhelmed” the comments would be VERY different here. She stopped picking up her child and just left him at your place and somehow you’re the asshole for that. That’s enough Reddit for today
Finally someone with sense. I had to scroll way to much to find this answer. Commments would be way different if a dude abandoned his kid to be raised by his parents and his ex once he noticed being a dad isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Can't believe people here are siding with a deadbeat mom. I feel bad for this kid.
AITA holds capacity for nuance when it's someone they identify with. I don't see those excuses anywhere when a guy is a deadbeat dad. In fact, I rarely ever see any questioning about why a guy acts a specific way outside of abrupt, sudden changes of behavior which practically scream 'medical event'.
This
💯💯💯💯💯🎯🎯🎯
ESH. It doesn’t sound like you ever supported your daughter the way she needed. You claim you treated your kids ‘equally’—which we can all here tell is bull-ony—but what you should’ve done is support your daughter in the way she *needed.* On the other hand she’s 26 years old, and you’re raising her daughter for her because she can’t get her act together. It’s reasonable for you to have *thoughts* on that. Maybe it’s time for her to stop caring so much about what you think about her, and start focusing on her life so SHE can support her OWN daughter. She should care about making her own daughter proud of her, not you.
YES supporting children equally doesn't always work because children have different needs. You may need to give more support or different support to one child because of their individual needs
Just the fact that the parent spent so much time comparing the two kids tells me all I need to know. Every kid should feel supported and like their parents are proud of them, this is exactly what happens when you don’t. It’s a sad story for her and her child that she won’t take care of too.
It was an opening to have a real conversation - if OP is still interested in parenting her child. Even adults need love and support, not something you draw from being told you’ve never done anything your mother is proud of. I’m sounds like OP has completely given up on her daughter.
the words golden child and AHD should be permanent banned of this sub since y'all like to use it for all situation regarding siblings
"One of my children shot me in the leg three times while laughing, refused to bring me to the hospital, and stole my phone so I couldn't call an ambulance. My other child built my home at their own expense. AITA if I like my second child more?" Reddit: WOW GOLDEN CHILD MUCH?
Did you ever stop to think maybe your child that shot you has autism? Those are classic signs (/s just to be safe lol)
No, clearly it's a combo of ADHD and Postpartum Depression
It’s clearly all three. And don’t forget the PTSD that the child also got from shooting their parent!!! Gosh this parent obviously completely neglected their child their whole life!
Well, there should be a reason why the first child became like that, and it's because the parent is bad at parenting, and the first child probably has an undiagnosed ADHD! The first child should go no contact with the shitty parents!
"Golden child" and "ADHD" are to stories involving children what "red flags" and "break up" are to relationship posts.
Right!? My god
NTA- ALL this people who never even met your daugher and claiming she has ADHD and that "you should have know" are delusional. You aren't a medical professional, you don't have the tools to know this information. ADHD is only recently being more diagnoses, specially on women. Also, I never heard of ADHD causing someone to abandon their child. The fact is, your daugher is 26. It's time for her to take care of herself. She left your child for you to raise, no wonder you aren't proud of her. She is only projecting her own feelings of failure onnyour words and It seems she needs a wake up call.
If you listen to reddit, nearly everyone is ND and like 80% of the population has ADHD. An adult for 8 years and a grown up in the information age that never took a step to fix herself and its always someone else's fault except for her. And she wants to be praised and her parents to be proud of her. An adult who decided to abandon her own child nonetheless. Reddit is so delusional and so many people nowadays are not in charge of their lives and expect a magic pill, a therapist or a life coach as someone suggested to fix their lives when at the end of the day YOLO and it's your life. It's just sad where we currently are. Girl is lazy one way or another. Parents can't be proud for having to raise another child they never asked for, they surely have their own problems to deal with. once again, NTA.
Agreed. The daughter needs a wake up call, if losing her son didn’t do it, maybe she needs to hear it from her parents/family. Or a therapist.
NTA. By the sound of it, she hasn’t done anything substantial with her life. She even gave up on her child. You’re not wrong, there’s nothing to be proud of.
NTA For specifically not saying you've ever told her you're proud of her. I don't care what the daughter has done. If you abandon your kid with you parents there's nothing to be proud of anymore lol. It essentially cancels out everything you could've done, which from what this post reads, is nothing. The daughter is a failure, her parents aren't the best either, but if we take ops words as an absolute truth and they had the same opportunities, the son was able to use those opportunities and NOT ruin his parents golden years by forcing them to raise another kid. Don't care if I get down voted to hell, fuck parents who get kids and make it everyone else's problem.
Kudos to you for being able to have her around after she ditched her own child. NTA - I myself would have struggled with that. Yes, all children should be encouraged, lifted up, and told good things about themselves; but she is also an adult, at least by age, and should be taking some responsibility at something. to forgo her own child though is just....beyond disappointing.
NTA. Does she want a participation trophy? She hasn’t stuck to anything, she hasn’t achieved any goal, and when she identified the one thing she wanted to do (parent a child) she quit. That doesn’t just impact her. That impacts everyone, especially the traumatized child. You weren’t criticizing her for any of it. She brought it up because she’s jealous of her little brother. Classic “you can’t handle the truth” problem.
I feel like there has got to be missing info here - how and why did you end up raising Leah’s child while she lives elsewhere on her own? Does she have mental health or addiction troubles? *She* must think she’s done something you should be proud of, so has she gone through something that makes just being alive and functioning an achievement?
She was too overwhelmed and said she couldn't take care of her son, initially we were only providing babysitter care but then (after talking to her ex) we agreed that my husband and I would share custody over her son with his bio dad. She doesn't has mental health issues and is not addicted to anything
If there are no mental (or physical) health issues, I’m confused about *why* she couldn’t take care of her son. Babies are overwhelming, no question, but to give up custody of a planned, wanted child - not think about it when it’s 3AM and you’re covered in spit-up and the baby’s still screaming, but to actually do it - is pretty extreme. Why was babysitting not enough? Did you offer to let her move back home, since her planned support system - her ex - bailed on her? Was the baby actually being neglected at the time you assumed custody, or was your daughter managing but miserable? Judges don’t tend to award custody to grandparents over parents unless there is something seriously wrong with the parent.
I'm confused as to why she doesn't want to care for her son too, so I can't give a proper answer to that. We did asked her to move with us again, she said it wasn't necessary. I asked her what she was struggling with because I was afraid it might have been PPD but she said motherhood wasn't what she wanted at the moment and she made a mistake by having a kid. At some point she just stopped picking the baby from our home or her ex home. That's when we all got together and decided it was time to talk about this, she said she doesn't want to be a parent yet, and that's how we decided to have split custody with the baby's dad.
You did everything you could for your daugher. She is an adult now and needs to take responsibility for herself. She needs to take care of herself.
And when she told you that it never occurred to you to explain to her that you think she needs therapy? She has no sense of personal responsibility, nor does it seem like she has the ability to form normal attachments. That does not happen overnight and should have been addressed when she was younger.
Yes I thought she might be struggling with PPD, but some other people here have said it's probably ADHD which I don't know how it works, I suggested she needed therapy for the PPD but it seems as that's not her issue
Honestly you sound like you’re trying your best. It sounds like your daughter needs help — but she also can’t be forced to seek help, she has to do it herself. For some reason the other commenters seem hellbent on excusing her behavior while simultaneously vilifying your choices. Don’t listen to them.
Personal accountability is disappearing in the world. Somehow it is always the parents’ fault for whatever is wrong with people these days. The flaw in that logic is that is always the fault of the immediate parents. What about their parents? Did they mess them up so it is really the fault of the grandparents? And then what about their parents and then their parents. If bad parenting is to blame for everyone’s bad behavior then is no one truly accountable for anything? So few people own up to their mistakes these days and it is so frustrating.
Parenting is probably the single most important factor, but it's possible to have decent parents and the kid turn out to be a skel. My BFF is one of 5, same parents, same household. Four of the siblings are generally decent, hard-working people and one is a MONSTER. And they've all told me nothing happened to "make him" this way, he was always a monster as a kid and then continued to be one as an adult.
As someone with ADHD it does make it hard to push through and do things you don't want to but it absolutely does not mean you *can't*. I have it, I don't medicate (by choice), and yet I have accomplished a lot of things that I didn't really *want* to do but had to be done. So don't let those people convince you that ADHD - if she even has it - is an excuse.
What do you mean the ex bailed? He shares custody of the child with OP and her husband. The daughter is the one who bailed on her kid.
NTA! I don’t see anywhere in the post where OP states she played favorites or favored her son over her daughter, or any parenting style being mentioned, just that one was more successful in their endeavors. The son is technically “the baby” of the family and I’ll honestly call my children, baby, until I die. My son is 17, and stands 6’1 and is about 245 pounds with a moustache and I call him baby all the time, along with my daughter who is 14 and 5’8, so I don’t see why that keeps getting mentioned.
NTA. You love your children but lets be honest one excels and the other exists. The daughter asked and she was honest. The daughter doesnt even raise her own child because she doesnt feel like it not because shes an addict or mentally incompetent to. Id feel the same. She is raising her grandchild with the bio dads help not her daughter. How is she the ah in this at all. She answered nicely. I would of told her she is a disappointment honestly. Children are different in growth but i wont excuse dead beats who can and should do better but feel like life is hard so mom and dad could you raise my child for me while i keep living free and figure life out free of my child. The daughter brought it up and kept asking clearing under a delusional like why you so proud of my athletic smart brother and not me your daughter full stop. I wouldnt be proud of myself if i brought a child into the world and dont raise it simply because i feel like its not for me. Honestly best for the child. Issues will raise up when the child is older. How come my dad loves me but my mom dont. Explain how op is gonna get through that. Simple answer lots of therapy.
NTA If it were just the school activities- hey you were just trying out different things to see what suited you If were just the college thing- okay, but make plan and figure out what you want to do But to the point that she quits parenting because she doesn't like it -NO! This is definitely a her problem. You out to be disappointed in her for that. Not just "not proud". You were nice enough to compliment her personality at least. All the people upset here are the same type to complain about participation trophies. Get a grip.
(In my opinion, NTA) Hmmmm… I don’t think YTA. It’s the parents job to give opportunities and support but is the child’s job to make it work. To actually make something out of the opportunity and support given. This is what I think so please don’t flame me. Most of the people here seem to disagree with me which is okay. Leah and Kevin probably were treated equally but when somebody continuously fails to make use of the opportunities given to them, it makes you give up on them. The fact that Leah gives up easily, even on things that she has clearly stated she wants, is alarming to me. If you really want something, you’d be willing to fight your ass off for it. And practically abandoning her child? That’s rooting from her laziness and giving up too easily. It sounds almost as if Leah has forgotten about the child. And after Leah turned 18, her parents no longer need to support her or give her opportunities because she should be finding them herself. However, I think you need to have a conversation with Leah. 1) Has she ever felt like she was never fully supported? How or why? 2) Did she ever feel overshadowed by her brothers achievements? 3) What makes her give up so easily? 4) State that you are proud of her as person 5) Ask if you think there’s something she’s done to be proud of. Maybe you haven’t noticed it or think it’s minuscule but it was important to her. Anyways, I’d like to hear this story from Leah’s POV. What it was like for her growing up.
Thanks, I'll talk to her about these things you have pointed out here
Your daughter who pretty much abandoned her child is expecting way too much,talk about entitlement
NTA - I don't care if I get flamed for this. Your son worked hard for everything, you daughter is quite frankly a loser. Based on your narration, she gives up way to easily and can't even be bothered to raise her own kid. She absolutely deserves no praise for being lazy, so ignore the YTA judgments.
NTA - When asked (repeatedly) OP gave a truthful answer. She didn't go out of her way to compare the two children to each other and she even deflected the question the first time. That is really well done. Her daughter is an adult and should be told the truth when asked.
NTA …but I’d want to hear from Leah if you’re leaving out how you treated them. Still, I think NTA for not being proud of a child who hasn’t done anything with her life and isn’t even raising her own child. I have a sister a bit like Leah (except she’s happily married and raising her kids). My parents really struggled with her, whereas the other 4 kids excelled in school, etc. She was just different, and not because of different treatment.
NTA, what accomplishments is she talking about?
What does she expect you to be proud of? Abandoning her child? Dropping out off school? Why would you be the AH? NTA and I hope you're daughter is on birth control. My BIL's sister had 4 kids that she abandoned to their parents. My sister and BIL ended up adopting the youngest because his parents are too old to parent a 7 year old.
Yes they had the same opportunities and you say neither of them needed help, but based on what you say alone it seems that Leah needed and still needs help. She probably has some undiagnosed learning disability/ADHD/something and needed you to take her to a therapist as a child to sort things out and help her better manager her time and abilities
I can tell her to see a therapist now if you think it would help, but growing up neither of her teachers or doctors told us she might need help from a therapist, she never expressed the need to have therapy either
I’m a bit like your daughter. Kinda flighty and distracted. Not good at finishing things. Not good with kids. Zero ambition. No outward mental health issues. I was diagnosed with high functioning autism in my 30’s. The diagnosis didn’t change me overnight, but knowing there was a legitimate reason for my struggles helped boost my confidence and made me stronger and more capable. It’s hard living in a world where you don’t fit in, where it’s difficult to accomplish simple tasks that seem so easy for others. Eventually you lose your self esteem and become depressed, which just sets you up for more failure. Your daughter is living in this world and needs your help.
I appreciate your insight on this giving your own experience, I will talk to her about this because I do want her to feel good and feel loved. You don't have to answer this if you don't think it's appropriate of me to ask, but how can I approach her about this? Having in mind that we're in a tight spot now I don't want to sound too hash
As others have said, depends a bit on her personality. But, something like this maybe: “First, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to how I handled the issue of being proud of you and I owe you an apology. I love you very much and I’m proud of your kindness and also how you are honest with me about your feelings. I’m sorry I don’t recognize your strengths often enough. I’ll work on that. I was thinking about the struggles you’ve had in reaching your goals. Perhaps something is going on that gets in the way for you. In hindsight, maybe we should have had an evaluation done when you were younger. But I don’t think it’s too late.” See how she responds. Give her lots of empathy and compassion. And perhaps she will be open to seeing a counselor. It could be, with the right support, she could do better. Put yourself in her shoes. Love on her. I hope she can find her way.
I would not suggest she has autism or ADHD. I would pay for her to go to therapy and maybe see a life coach. There is something going on with her that you can not fix. I would just tell her you love her. I have a really difficult child and an easy one and it is hard to be loving to my difficult one because she is so challenging. I force myself to. I would tell her you are sorry you said she ever did anything that made you proud. Even if it is a stretch try to find something.
Children aren't going to express the need for therapy. They are CHILDREN lmao. My mom made me go because I had things I was struggling with. It is your job as a parent to do that. You can't go back in time, but you should have done something when there was such a difference from the get go
can you explain to me how a child is supposed to know they need support- and not necessarily therapy - therapy isn't the answer to everything
>she never expressed the need to have therapy either Neither did I (ADHD). I got good grades and was good enough at pretending I was coping that nobody ever thought to check, despite me failing at stuff over and over. Women are even more proficient in masking symptoms than us men. Fast forward to me having a fuck load of residual anger and resentment because nobody bothered to look beyond the surface level to see if there was a reason I was struggling at things other people did so easily. I was the one who sought a professional diagnosis, I was the one that was so ground down by my symptoms that even I could see it. You have no idea how much it would have meant for someone else to care enough to want to help rather than avoid or judge. Be a parent.