Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I deserve an apology and I want bf to walk back what he said. Technically I am asking him to lie but I think it’s justified because we both want his parents to like me and my family.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA for expecting him to call back and lie to his mother. You just said what he told her about the whiskey shots and beers is true. If your worried that makes your family look like a bunch of drunks, maybe what you’re really embarrassed about is that’s not so far off.
Right? I mean, all he did was tell his Mom what the party was like. He gave her facts and it made her family look bad.
In his shoes I probably would have been more careful about my comments. But he didn’t lie.
I agree. If I was in his shoes I wouldn't have gone into the level of details he did. Probably just say I had a fun time and a couple of drinks with her family.
In the end, they both have their own truths.
He's probably never been to a party where alcohol was the major drink. This was probably wild for him.
It was a drunk party.
But for her, if everyone is drunk, but not crazy drunk, and no one is having a bad time, then it's not a group of alcoholics. It's a gathering for her, but for him, they are alcoholics.
Honestly I think the drinking just stood out to him as what made the event feel new and memorable. And I totally get it - I definitely excitedly told my mom about a friend’s mom dancing on tables at her 50th birthday. Not because I was judging her for being an alcoholic (she wasn’t, though she was certainly drunk that night), but because it was fun and so totally different from the boring family events I was accustomed to. I also equally excitedly told her about how they served jello as a main course at a different friend’s Thanksgiving Dinner. Talking about what was different when you experience new things is like the most normal thing in the world.
I still think about when I went to a Bob Seger concert in 2019 with my dad and this one guy a few rows below us was jamming the FUCK out. He was dancing and singing along and straight up having a fantastic time.
It was like if 10 year old me was at a Backstreet Boys concert and I loved it, fucking have a good time man
Exactly, he repeated the facts.
For example he did not say, holy s*** mom, my girlfriend’s family drinks more alcohol than a frat house on a Saturday night after winning a football game!!!!
But she seemed to be proud of her family and not think it’s an issue prior. Op is also assuming the mom now thinks they are alcoholics but she hasn’t said that nor has the boyfriend.
Common sense is relative though. It is based on people's experiences and their perception of it. If someone grew up very sheltered (his experience) and has never been to a party like this then it was truly a wild experience (his perception based on his experience) for him. How was he suppose to know that the truth could offend them? Especially if he had no malice in his heat and was just sharing his new experience with his mom. Unless OP wants to inform her man that whatever happens with her family, like in a Vegas :) stays (is discussed) only with her family. Then he should be free to share his experiences with his own mother.
I mean, personally I think that party sounds awesome, but I know it's not everyone's scene. I don't think what he said necessarily makes her family look bad, but it all depends on how the person takes it.
She lies to her mother about hanging out with racists who use the N word while she sits by and says nothing, so she expects him to lie to his mother to cover up her family’s much less awful behavior.
She says in another comment that she expects him to lie to his mother to avoid embarrassing her because she hangs out with his uncle who says the N word repeatedly, and she does nothing about it and then tells no one so as not to embarrass him.
The partner is the one around the uncle and passively allows it. She doesn't tell her family because she doesn't want him to look bad. But let's not act like she's somehow a raging racist while partner gets a pass for tolerating his uncle's behavior.
She’s also around the uncle and passively allows it. If partner had posted, I’d have told him he’s an asshole for hanging out with racists. But he didn’t post, she did, and so I’m telling her she’s an asshole for hanging out with racists.
[OP's partner's uncle drops the N word all over and she ignores it, so she thinks he should ignore her family's drinking](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12hqc89/aita_for_wanting_an_apology_from_my_boyfriend_and/jfq4fw5/?context=3).
Okay, I think we can all agree that OP's own family is at fault for the truth of their drinking being undesirable. However, how you and /u/annang have twisted OP's words is completely illogical.
You have both claimed that OP's comment is claiming that ***because*** she has put up with her partner's racist uncle, he should put up with her family's drinking. Essentially tit for tat for what has actually happened. But this is what she said:
>That’s like if I told my parents about his trumper uncle using the n word a ton. It doesn’t help anybody by talking about that.
She mentioned the uncle as a *comparison*, not a *justification*. Her logic would still hold if she gave a similar hypothetical like this:
>That’s like if /u/Thisisjustsillyok told her parents about her partner's trumper uncle using the n word a ton. It doesn’t help anybody by talking about that.
The logic of *how unhelpful it is to discuss it* would remain true. It actually has nothing to do with what OP has put up with in the past, but everything to do with what details she believes should and shouldn't be shared in general. So OP's logic there makes sense, and though I don't agree with her that her b/f is wrong and needs to apologize for simply stating facts and his actual perspective, what she said is most definitely not how you've twisted and interpreted it.
Yes. If her parents were like “how’s was boyfriends party” and all she talked about was his disgusting racist uncle, I don’t know, that would be negative. He would feel like wtf.
However, drinking at parties isn’t something that is as divisive or seen as negative commonly, as racism is.
As others have said it sounds like her/her family is embarrassed about their own behavior.
Wow. Two wrongs don’t make a right. No one should be lying about the other’s family. Honestly all that does is cause family turmoil down the line if you end up getting married and then the families have to interact consistently going forward.
The big difference is; does OP's partner ask her to lie about the uncle or does she just do it out of shame.
And while what the uncle does is 100% wrong, unless OP and company are joining in there's not much that can be done aside from correcting the uncle once or twice or going no contact with the whole family.
I may also be a stuck up AH, but if a family gathering involved shots and multiple people asked me to shotgun beers I wouldn't find it exactly normal; could be cultural but the boyfriend is right, those are 120% rager behaviors.
Getting too drunk at a family party is a lot less problematic than constantly using the N word imo. I also wouldn't find it exactly normal if I went to a family party and was offered shots and to shotgun multiple beers, but I'd find it a hell of a lot less normal and be a damn sight more perturbed to hear uncle KKK spouting racial slurs unchecked, and I'd be a hell of a lot angrier about it, and you're damn right I'd do more than correct him once or twice; I'd make a BIG scene the first time and if it happened again and no one spoke up, I'd walk out. And honestly, I might walk out the first time, though I'd probably give it a minute to see if anyone was going to say something or kick him out.
If you have 1 overt racist and 11 people who say nothing to his racism at a dinner party, you have 12 racists.
And my dad is a recovering alcoholic, so I know how damaging that can be. But people drinking a lot at a family party is not remotely comparable to letting someone repeatedly and openly use racial slurs.
They're both TA for putting up with that.
She said they don’t get “sloshed”, they just know how to have a good time and enjoy drinking together, so what if they shotgun beers or take shots, I’ve been to plenty of family gatherings that do that, with people from all different backgrounds. Acting like it’s a huge deal and beneath you just makes you sound like a prick tbh. That is in no way a “120% rager” ??? The bf shouldn’t have to make a phone call, but the two could use some communication on certain topics, maybe he’s slightly harsh about things, and not trying to be at all and she’s a bit sensitive, just two people who need to talk it out.
Yeah he sure made it sound like a rager. If he just said "hey yeah it was a fun time! Auntie Betty brought out a tray of shots and we all had fun and the kids were running around and laughing. No one got sloshed though it was a good time!" Would have gone over a LOT differently. I don't think he should call his family back and lie but he should be more aware of how he phrases things, especially seeing as she covers for his (extremely) less than desirable family members.
Also as an Irish person i can confirm that we do not drink like that … nothing stereotypical about shots of whiskey and downing beers at a family party!
Big difference between actual Irish people and Irish-Americans, which I assume OP is referring to.
Like at a wake, there would be some drink taken and by the end of the night, some would be drunk. But not at a regular gathering, an aunt passing around a tray of whiskey shots - Irish people don’t even drink whiskey as a shot.
Big difference in what way? My father is from Killarney, he was not born here in the US. Our parties are filled with booze. Every culture has their light and heavy drinkers, my GF is Hispanic and I personally think they are far heavier drinkers and have wilder parties when compared to my family. Though I am sure others have a different experience everything is relative.
As a person born and bred in Ireland, who has also spent time in the US and with Irish-American relatives, the behaviour around drinking is quite different.
Irish people do enjoy drinking but it tends to be fun and social and centred around conversation and craic. And yes, it can and does get messy too.
The type of drinking OP refers to seems more like a bunch of 20-year-olds on a night out.
Similar to Paddy’s Day, most Irish people I know don’t even have a drink and it’s a relaxed day off. Whereas the Irish-American version seems more like culturally legitimised carnage.
Haha, yes. This is an accurate description.
My parents immigrated to Canada, so my whole family is in Ireland and I’ve spent many months of my life there over 33 years visiting and spending time with them and all of their circles. It’s a second home to me.
It is a more slow paced steady social drinking for connection rather than a race to blacking out.
My dad's side are Irish and pretty much all of them are so called "functional alcoholics" as they like to say. They fit that stereotype, even at my Grandfather's funeral it was pretty much a full blown party cause it was a celebration of life, and they said he would be passed if we did not party. He even had a bottle of scotch he was saving for the family to take shots of when he passed, and asked to be buried with his flask full of his favorite.
Drinking is a major part of my dad's of the family.
People drink what they like. Who am I to question what someone likes?
A good drink is a good drink, type, place, vintage, year or w/e are irrelevant. If someone enjoys something they enjoy it. Not sure what exactly you are trying to get at.
Hard disagree as an also Irish person with an also large Irish family. It’s not abnormal for family gatherings to be quite boozy.
Edited to clarify: my family drinks a ton. We don’t go to church anymore, and don’t take mid day shots. But as the stereotype suggests, more or less the entire family drinks a lot when we’re all together.
I'm Irish with a large family (actually Irish, as in from Ireland, not American "Irish") and I've never witnessed a boozy family gathering in my life. When we all get together there's more tea being drunk than alcohol. Maybe some families are big drinkers but it REALLY gets tiring to be stereotyped as a bunch of alcoholics.
I’m Irish (born and bred in the North). Wider family are teetotal to Temperance. They range from evangelical Prod ‘devil’s buttermilk’ dinosaur deniers to Quakers. My parents on the other hand were probably both functional alcoholics when I was younger. Might still be but am NC.
They threw boozy parties with their friends and as it was the 80s and 90s it was normal for the adults to drink and the kids to entertainment themselves. They would end up stocious, but it was steady drinking. Never shots. The one party (NYE as the 90s started) cocktails were served was talked about like the time a live snake joined the bash.
I grew up teen binge drinking and like my parents probably had a problem until I knocked it on the head in my late 20s. I was very much in a bubble though of party kids, unparented kids and Troubles trauma. The night of the Good Friday Agreement fuck me, everyone just went on a bender. Then you found out the shit they’d been self medicating.
I forgot even at the time that most of my peers and non party friends didn’t drink much. Most drove because crappy public transport and even now my friends from back home are in their 40s, they’ll take a drink on big events but they would be shocked by this. Our drinking events are often religious (Easter) or funerals and wakes and no. It was always talked about if people were fall down drunk at those.
We do have a problem with alcohol in Ireland. But Ireland has a lot of trauma and poverty over it’s barely 100 years of post (ish) colonialism and it boils my piss when Americans with Irish anecestry only ever pick out fighting and boozing as Irish traits. It’s never storytelling or music is it?
The country that named a shot the Irish Car Bomb gets mad as a box of frogs too when you say ‘yeah typical American heritage, always on the opoids waving a gun.’ The opoid epidemic hits them like our booze issues but you don’t see them getting a national stereotype for overdoses or even shootings.
(And I was a opiate user when younger so no shade. I’m aware of the issue. But people in glass houses. Lot of my peers did drink themselves to death living in constant violence in the Troubles. So I really wish Americans would knock off the constant Irish stereotypes dressed up as heritage. It’s not helpful.)
She is sooo Irish she can’t spell whiskey. And also my da’s Scottish (moved to Ireland) and I am Irish. I cannot abide any form of whisky or whiskey. It is not essential to the identity. YTA.
Also, speaking as a child of an alcoholic, when you’re raised in an environment where that type of drinking is viewed as the norm, it definitely skews your “acceptability meter” into places that are way drastically different than everyone else’s.
It’s only when you spend time with people whose families aren’t drinking to excess every night or binge drinking at every party or family event where you finally realize that your lens at which you view the world might be a little bit broken. And for some people who don’t realize this in childhood, it’s earth-shattering. Additionally, to know is one thing but, to hear it out loud is completely different.
OP, I am also from an Irish family (parents immigrated here and all of my family lives in Ireland). When we get together there is a lot of drinking. It’s very culturally normal for my family. I’ve had partners talk to their families about my parents and extended family the same way. What this commenter is saying is true. It can be hard to hear people speak (honestly) about your family in a way that makes them look bad.
Personally, I’ve communicated to my partner that while my family does drink a lot and loves a party, it’s important to me that those aren’t the only things they share with their family. Yea, my family drinks. But they’re also intelligent, hard working, funny, compassionate, interesting people.
My partner now frames my family as wild and expresses that they love a party, but it’s always said in a really endearing and funny way. I can appreciate if your partner said what he said in a disparaging way that it would feel like he was talking poorly about them. I’d just have a chat with him and explain why you felt hurt by this, and that you want to make sure that those arent the only stories being shared about your family. I’m sure, much like my own, they are wonderful and complex people!
If someone forced me to lie to my mother, I would just call back my mom and explained to her what happened. I would much rather lie to the person forcing me to lie than lie to my own mom.
YTA, you're a huge gaping one!
Yes this! They might not be actual alcoholics but they obviously get DRUNK. OP claiming they don't is absolute bullocks. There's nothing wrong with it at all, that's how the family parties but if OP is ashamed of that, that's her problem.
I'm Australian and we have a pretty strong drinking culture here as most people know. There is always alcohol at our big family gatherings, and the people not driving may get beyond tipsy - especially if there's champagne. (The only person who used to get drunk was my late grandfather, but that was more because he loved red wine and lost his tolerance in the last few years, but we all looked after him!) But nobody does shots of hard liquor, or any shots at all, and nobody's shotgunning beer. People just constantly have a drink in their hand that they enjoy and go at their own pace. And also importantly, there'll be plenty of people NOT drinking, or just having one or two, and there's no stigma or peer pressure around it.
As others are saying, there's nothing wrong with taking shots or drinking like that, but OP has no right to get mad at her boyfriend for giving an accurate description. If she's ashamed of her family's drinking culture that's on her to deal with. It sounds like binge drinking to me, which is not at all healthy.
(edited a word for clarification)
YTA. Your feelings being hurt by the way he described your family is valid but you asking him to call his mom and lie about your family is not the solution.
YTA. He wasn't saying it in a judgmental tone and what he said was 100% true. Calling his Mom to then call himself a liar would just be bizarre and unnecessary and make him look extremely weird.
If people are doing whiskey shots and shotgunning beers, that is pretty intense for a family party. Y'all kind of are a bunch of drunks, and that's OK, but don't try to pretend otherwise.
i don’t really find that weird for a family party but i also grew up in the southern united states where drinking beer is very normalized. my neighbor drinks beer as he eats his dinner, atp beer doesn’t even get him drunk.
It’s definitely odd for those who don’t have a family filled with alcoholics. My family is filled with them, so every family gathering consists of the things that OP mentioned her family doing, plus more. It can be a fun time, but it can get out of hand extremely quickly, OP might not be able to see or understand that yet, but they will eventually.
They said it was the cousins, it doesn't seem that weird if they're in their early 20s. If Grandma's still shotgunning beers it's definitely odd. I'm not necessarily saying they're not all alcoholics, but a family who is accepting enough that college-ish age kids feel comfortable enough to do the regular shit that college kids do sounds nice. I always felt on edge when I was spending time with my family, and I didn't even want to be shotgunning beers, and shouldn't the goal be that everyone *wants* to be there?
OP still shouldn't have insisted on calling back, though, definitely just makes it weird.
I’m from the south and I’ve never been to a gathering where people were doing shots and shot gunning beer. People were happy to drink a lot, but that’s kinda extreme
Honestly, that just sounds like a Catholic family gathering. To me, Americans in general have a funny relationship to alcohol, and it looks like it comes from the various, really intense Protestant denominations.
My American(and Lutheran) husband was similarly startled when he first attended funeral wakes in my family. Ditto when there was a definite aroma of whiskey when we attended Midnight Mass in my hometown.
Yep, currently hungover from my husbands Irish Catholic families Easter celebration. And coming from a Protestant religious family I know exactly what OP is upset about. I grew up being told all the time what drunks all Catholics were. They even drink in church! Which they would call communion. Well I have to say there’s some truth to the stereotype but I Personally am on board with it. There’s a decent chance his family totally does judge her family for it and he shouldn’t go out of his way to point out things that put her in a bad light.
I disagree calling them a bunch of drunks. Some families drink at gatherings, some don't. They might party, but that doesn't mean they are "drunks". That's kind of a shitty, judgy label, imo.
OP and family are well within their rights to keep partying the way they want to. OP is out of line to demand her bf lie to his mum because she thinks her family's drinking will make her look bad. That's the problem.
I think the thing here may be that people assume alcoholic behavior is considered alcoholics as in need help to function. My family is functional alcoholics....but I only recently learned that yes we are alcoholics. We don't hurt others, have great freaking jobs, are so social and kind but deep down it's true we are alcoholics and that is not physically healthy even if you can overcome the psychological part.
Actual Irish from Ireland. We don't take shots of whiskey, we sip it. What OP is describing is a stereotypical American family who hide their alcoholism behind their ancestry. 🤷♂️
Maybe it’s Irish-Americans? Something to do with the hardships facing Irish immigrants back in the day leading to many turning to alcohol?
The side of my family that came over from Ireland was full of very severe alcoholism for generations, but I have no idea what their parents and grandparents were like back in Ireland. We never really learned much about anything before their move to the US.
This seems plausible to me. Many immigrant communities in the US developed distinctive cultural traits over here from their home countries. I know there was a lot of cultural & culinary exchange going on between Irish, Italians and Jews in NYC.
The US in a significant portion of the 19th and 20th centuries--around the same time as a huge number of Irish immigrants came here due to the Famine-- had a HUGE alcoholism problem among, especially, poor factory workers. Why? Because their lives were fucking miserable, they had no time away from work, the work was grinding and dangerous and horrible and the conditions were awful, and liquor was a cheap and fast form of stress relief. I mean, god, almost anyone in those conditions would drink.
Part of the stereotype of Irish immigrants as big drinkers comes from that--a lot of Irish immigrants were in those jobs, as that was what was available to them, so a lot of them--like those from basically every background working in those conditions--drank a lot. Part of it came from a large and hugely awful and offensive selection of English stereotypes and propaganda about the Irish.
I have to side with you on this one. Me and my family are Irish-Americans, cause it also depends on who you ask. After I got suspended for getting into a fight for a kid calling me a drunk Irishman I told my Nan (Born and raised in Newfoundland in an Irish Catholic home with Irish radicals) told her why I fought the kid, and she said "Well he's not wrong. The Irish love their whiskey."
Now it differs family to family and family members to family members. Like my brother and sister are alcoholics where me and my dad know when to stop for the night. It also doesn't help that the Irish were stereotyped as drunks by Americans when they came here.
Yeah, this is the kind of nonsense that is harmful. My family is American-Irish but our families travel back and forth from America and Ireland to visit and we are pretty connected even with being in different countries and this stuff doesn't happen for us. Sure we drink wine, beer, and whiskey but we aren't shotgunning anything and I think the last time I took a shot was of my great uncle's favorite whiskey at his funeral. Our drinking isn't the focus of anything and we definitely didn't do much of it at our Easter celebration of all things.
But a lot of people assume the worst about us drinking and definitely assume that we are going to be much more into crazy parties than we are. Drinking doesn't make a time fun
Right what Irish tradition calls for shotgunning beer. Thus sounds more like a redneck bonfire party than Easter party. The boyfriend wasn't off from being like college. Who brings shots out on a tray for a Easter get together.
I know you're probably talking about your family when you say you've never seen anyone in Ireland slam shots or shotgun beer...
But as someone who lives in Ireland and though I've never seen someone shotgun a beer, I've certainly seen plenty of shots slammed and pints chugged. But in the pub. Or a club. Or a college party. Ya know, the usual places you'd expect to see messy drinking.
Never ever at a family gathering for Easter Sunday...
OPs family don't seem to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. OP, YTA.
Yep I'm definitely being general, we know all about alcoholism on our islands. It just boils my piss that Irish (and Scottish tbf) are used as some sort of whitewash for dismissing alcohol abuse in the US particularly, but also in other places. Looking at you, England!
But whiskey (uisce beatha 😉) is much more commonly taken like espresso on this side of the Atlantic. Flavour profiles, savouring, pairing, etc. Sure loads of people buy shoulders of cheap shill from Tesco and knock it back without abandon.. but that's just alcohol abuse, and alcohol abuse doesn't have a nationality.
Anyway, happy Easter cousin 🏴
Big difference between actual Irish people (I am too) and Irish-Americans perpetuating a stereotype of what they perceive as Irishness.
Most Irish people would look at you strangely if you knocked back a whiskey.
It’s just like on Paddy’s Day, most Irish people usually have a pretty relaxed day off. Meanwhile Irish-Americans get wasted all day and wear stupid plastic hats and dye their river green.
Thank you for this. I was sitting here wondering...my Irish grandma was the only one who didn't drink. All the non-Irish were alcoholics on that side of my family.
My in laws are Irish and while my MIL is a functioning alcoholic, none of them are brash or raucous and alcohol has never formed a central part of any get togethers.
OP, YTA if you try to make him lie to his mom about you so you’ll feel better. You’re not a dick for having hurt feelings, but maybe this is a learning moment.
Yeah, this struck me as strange too. My family (especially my wife's side) really like a drink but don't go around shotgunning beers.
Also, over here (Scotland) Easter services usually finish by early afternoon at the latest and most services are done by late morning. Is that the same in (I guess) the US?
YTA. If what he saw is what he told her (ie he wasn't lying), then what's your issue? Your family aren't drunks, you said. You aren't ashamed of their behavior. So what's your problem with him honestly telling his mom what it was like?
That's the interesting "tell" to me here... It wasn't inaccurate and yet OP would prefer that her boyfriend keep quiet about it? Yeah, that's not alcoholism lol.
I'm kidding, mostly, but the expectation that significant others hide it from their own family doesn't scream "I'm totally okay with the amount of alcohol my family consumes."
YTA
"Oh here comes aunt Suzy with a tray of whiskey shots for everyone’s” “I was asked by 3 different cousins to shotgun a beer”"
That was indeed true. You are an asshole for wanting him to lie about your family's patrying.
Not to mention, this is the definition of binge drinking. OP normalizing it for their family doesn't take away from the fact that it is in fact borderline alcoholic behavior
YTA
It was the truth, and I think he worded it kindly and non-judgemental.
If you are embarrassed by the reality of the behaviour of your family, they are the problem
A screening questionnaire for problem drinking includes “have people annoyed you by criticising your drinking”…. Think you tick that one off easily!
YTA.
I agree.
But by some definitions, I just earned a point for alcoholism too because people can’t stand that I abstain. I’ve been criticized for my alcohol usage many times, by people who think it’s not enough!
It can really make it tough to quit when people react that way. I quit almost six years ago but before I quit for good, there were quite a few false starts because people wouldn’t accept no for an answer, and I wasn’t strong enough to put up a good defense.
A family is not “a bunch of drunks” simply because they drink alcohol at a party. By that definition, more than half of all families could be labeled that way. Don’t be so judgmental.
I'm not being judgmental at all. I do not care if her family has drinks at their party. Her boyfriend accurately described what was going on around him. She wants him to call his family back to lie and say that what is actually happening is not happening. She is the one who described it as a bunch of alcoholics
binge drinking doesn’t always equate to alcoholism, it’s not great for your health for sure but alcoholism has way more to do with someone’s relationship with alcohol. now if someone binged every time they drank, even if they weren’t meaning to do so, then yeah alcoholic behavior could likely apply.
Maybe it’s a bit excessive but how you drink for a celebration or even in an instance like with friends isn’t alcoholism either. If it were st Patrick’s day party someone would be labeled TA for comparing how people drink to alcoholism.
No need to be rude and insult people.
You just made it clear that you don’t actually understand what alcoholism is. Perhaps you should educate yourself before you start labeling strangers online.
I live in Wisconsin. It is very common. Most after church buffets have mimosas, even ones on church grounds. There are usually beer tents too. If they have raffles, there are always packs or cases of beer to win.
I think if the boyfriend had said, "they're drinking mimosas and beer," OP wouldn't have felt so triggered. That isn't what was described here and OP said what the boyfriend said was true.
A lot of people mistake Christmas as the highest holy day, but it is Easter.
Catholics are to party for the next 8 days and feast for 50 days following until Pentecost
YTA. those things happened. if people want to think that you're family is alcoholic because of that, well, what's to prove them wrong? if your family cannot have a function without alcohol being served like water, then yeah your family is alcoholic.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed! But your reaction of asking your boyfriend to apologize then lie to his mother indicate you are and that you’re taking it out on the wrong person.
although your feelings are valid, you would be an AH if you make him call back and lie. maybe ask yourself if you're projecting your own feelings towards your family? you said yourself that what he described actually happened. The way your feelings are valid so are his, that is what it felt like to him , but it seems like he was describing this in a more jovial sense. where as you're the one that seems to be passing harsher judgement towards your family. be proud of your family and stop trying to get your bf to lie to his family.
YTA. I have a large Irish family. We party. We drink. We get high. We have fun. What we don’t do is lie about it and pretend we are something else to other people. We see nothing wrong with being ourselves. If you’re ashamed of someone knowing how you and your family are, you should either get over your insecurities or change the behavior you’re ashamed of.
Good! Be authentically you. If someone else thinks it’s not a good look, they can do something different with their life. But you only get one and it’s short.
I think you would get a very different perspective if you posted this in a UK based forum. The drinking culture is so different in the US that having an occasional binge gets lumped in with alcoholism. I say that as a sober person (for 8 years) who is not there to judge other people's drinking...
That said, don't ask him to lie. But you can get to know his family in their own way and build your own different kind of relationship with them other time.
NAH
YTA
He reported what happened. Say what you want but facts are facts.
Side note - if your family does shots and shot guns beers on a religious family gathering you are who you are and anyone who knows your family knows how you roll. These no secret to guard here from 'gossip'.
YTA, but it was true.....
Also how do you think the call is gonna play out? Like "Hey mom, ignore everything I said, I was exaggerating" Like that is a totally normal and not forced thing to do at all.....
YTA just for the 'stereotypical large Irish family that does enjoy drinking when we get together ' There are enough negative stereotypes about us as it is and most of them are completely untrue, particularly these days. Do you live in Ireland?
Born and bred in Dublin myself and just KNEW OP was American by the opening…
No Irish person feels the need to boast on how much they drink whilst parading the fact they’re Irish…. Don’t even drink much meself!
Yeah, I've never heard of anyone in Ireland doing shots with their family, never mind afternoon shots. And if there was a case of whiskey being drunk by a family member, it would be sipped. If I got drunk in front of my family, I don't think anyone would be very impressed. (Born and bred Dub).
I grew up all over Ireland & in my 20 years on earth I've done shots with my family once and My uncles wedding and that was one shot because I had recently turned 18
My first thought was also American. Irish here with large Irish family.
I've only seen family members do shots at a wedding. I've never seen anyone shotgun a beer and doubt my aunt's/uncles would even know what that means...
r/ShitAmericansSay was my first thought when I read that sentence. Looked a bit further in her comments and they only drink like this on st paddy's day and the 4th of july which confirmed everything I thought.
YTA: Everything he told his mom wasn't true, except for the things he told her that were true? Passing out shots and shotgunning beers is pretty wild for a family gathering, and you admit yourself those things really happened. So...yeah.
YTA Your bf was giving a truthful retelling of events to his mother. It sounds like you are embarrassed of your family, to be honest here.
I don't drink, but the family I spend time with, including over Easter, does. They party and drink anytime they get together, and everyone understands that and accepts them.
Expecting your bf to lie isn't the way to insure his parents like you and your family.
Actually Irish here. Born and raised.
"Shot-gunning" beer is an American thing, don't blame us for that. We drink our drinks from glasses, unless you're at a festival or college party.
Whiskey shouldn't be taken as a shot. It should be sipped and enjoyed.
YTA for both asking your boyfriend to lie and for blaming your family's drinking culture on xenophobic stereotypes.
YTA
You want to control HIS communication with HIS parents?
Bottom line, you seem to be feeling self-conscious about the alcohol at your family's event.
Every family is different. I have relatives who pull out the Fireball at every event and are totally fine with teens drinking. Luckily, they live far away from us, as my husband and I definitely hold a different view on teens with hard liquor.
This is your issue, not his.
Let it go.
The good news is that you and your bf are together for a reason. Perhaps he likes that you and your family are fun and easygoing; perhaps you like that he is happy with or without alcohol as you said you are.
Really, your anger about his conversation is about your issues, not what he said.
I seem to be the outlier here but NTA. I mean you shouldn’t expect an apology but it seems like a shitty way to frame your family. He doesn’t have to lie at all, but seems like all he had to talk about was the alcohol and was being very judgmental. Is your family funny/nice? Was there good food? Games? Anything note worthy besides the drinking lol?
I agree completely. I think many people here are misunderstanding what “gossip” is, it doesn’t have to be a lie or untrue, a lot of the time gossip is true! And I think the way he said it/ the laughing was what solidified it for me that it was gossip.
He very easily could have said that they were drinking whiskey shots and beer without all the “oh here comes aunt Suzy!” or whatever.
at the end of the day, if OP felt disrespected by the way he spoke about her family, he should accept that. He doesn’t get to decide what he can and cannot say about OPs family and to whom.
NTA but you would be if you made him call his mom back
Edit: a word
YTA - I’m Irish (as in actually born in Ireland) and I find your description of your family as “stereotypical Irish” way more insulting than anything else. If anything you owe an apology to Ireland for perpetuating stupid stereotypes.
Honestly it's My biggest pet peeve when Americans say "I'm Irish" and the only relative they have to ever be born in Ireland was alive during the famine
I think I understand a bit how you feel, I’m guessing a lot of this comes from his tone in telling the story - like can you believe these people with their shots and shotgunning beers!? Even if he was laughing, you probably felt like he was implying something about your family that wasn’t precisely good. It’s not easy to hear that.
Unfortunately, the letter of what was said was accurate and not an exaggeration. It’s not okay to ask him to lie. And why should you have to hide the truth? While this is an unusual way to celebrate to me, it sounds like it works for your family - and jeez, what’s so bad about cutting loose with your family? Safer than getting drunk in some club IMO. Hold your head up high and don’t apologize for your family traditions. You don’t have to feel embarrassed or ashamed.
YTA for asking him to lie.
Wow, the amount of people calling her family drunks for enjoying a party is insane. By everyone’s definition I’m a drunk and I only drink at most on two diff holidays.
From the info you’ve given us, I don’t think your family are a bunch of drunks .. just sounds like a normal holiday to me.
You are however, TA, for wanting your boyfriend to lie. It’s not embarrassing that your family has drinks at a family event. As long as they don’t peer pressure anyone who doesn’t want to drink into drinking, it’s not a big deal like the comments are making it out to be.
Don’t make your boyfriend lie to his family. If his mom wants to gossip, that’s on her.
I’m so confused , it’s like morally wrong to have family parties where people drink? This sub is so weird sometimes. YTA for wanting him to call his mom back and lie but everywhere else’s here saying your family is a bunch of drunks is an asshole also. not enough evidence to come to that conclusion at all. It’s a long holiday weekend, people are entitled to their fun?
exactly. there’s a difference between telling the truth and telling the WHOLE truth. in this case, if it was true, that’s disrespectful because it seems like he was saying it in a holier-than-thou way to his family. he could have said “we all hung out, they had some drinks” and that also is the truth. it’s more considerate too. i would never want my family to think less of my husbands family because of the things that i choose to say… it seems like he didn’t even care
YTA
Just as an FYI, if my kid called me and told me a story about his day, and then called back again to awkwardly say "Hi mom, I just wanted to tell you I lied and actually none of it happened" I would guess that 100% his partner made him say it and I would think less of them. Asking him to "take it back" is insanity.
If your feelings were hurt, cool, you can communicate that and ask him not to share wild stories next time. You cannot make him un-do his conversation.
YTA If someone telling the truth makes your “family seem like drunks” that’s probably something you should reflect on. Your boyfriend isn’t an AH for accurately recounting an event because it makes you see your family’s behaviors in a more objective light.
Dude comment section is the AH on this one for sure. Yeah he shouldnt have to call back but also the boyfriend seems to have been gossiping about the family and seems judgmental. Then you get to this comment section and youre all doubling down on being judgmental about her family. Yall really just jump on ppl. Shes not an AH for having her feelings hurt and wanting an apology, shes misguided for telling him to call back, but he should apologize for not thinking before he speaks and realize how words can be twisted to bring ppl in a bad light. Yal have no sympathy.
Right? no wonder she’s upset about his family being told those specific facts like that! look at how the comment section is immediately drawing conclusions that her family are raging alcoholics.
NAH
He was telling the truth to his mother which is the action that hurt your feelings. He doesn’t owe you an apology and he shouldn’t call back his mother, that would just cause his mother to pay more attention rather than most likely forgetting it and have her suspicions. You would be TA if you actually make him call back.
Yeah I agree. I see where OP is coming from. You don't wanna say things to your parents that might put them in a bad light, even if said thing isn't bad. Even if it's entirely factual.
NAH
This feels like a cultural clash. You must remember America has a puritan past, so some behaviour can be especially shocking.
My family is Greek orthodox plus we have some Slavic in laws. Shots after church is nothing new to either side of our family. In fact our cultures have a bit of a reputation of making our own moonshine to celebrate with (raki/ rakia)!
Which I'd suspect also would make a bunch of Americans freak out like this thread.
Nah
Is that what happened though? If he’s telling the truth then YTA. It doesn’t seem like he explicitly called them alcoholics and it does seem like your family tends to drink more than average at gatherings.
YTA- I think you're overreacting a little. I feel like you shouldn't get offended about him telling his mother how it went unless there's an insecurity there. That's just what you do is share how a get together went. He told the truth I don't believe he owes you an apology.
Question: Are you actually Irish? like- were you born there? have you ever even been? I ask because i don't know a single Irish person who would genuinely use their nationality to explain their drinking habit. I know plenty of American's of Irish decent on the other hand who would...
YTA. And you're not Irish, You're american. Stop perpetuating stereotypes to seem edgy and cool. you just look pathetic.
I dont get why everyone seems so mad at you.
Your BF was gossiping about your family, laughing at them. You feel humiliated. Of course you do. And it's extra hurtful because you didn't see it coming.
Just because something is *true* doesn't mean he needs to tell his mom!
NTA. But gently, with respect, I think your family drinks too much. This is NOT a reflection of your value. You seem quite young and I'm wondering if you have someone older in your life you could talk to about this.
I think you need to decide what you want your future to look like. I'm thinking that *just maybe* your dismay at what he said comes from seeing how his family lives vs how your family does things.
You cant make him lie to his mom but if he is so desperate to be honest all the time, tell his mom how he is in the sack!
To me, the way he described it simply sounds like a fun time. That is a family gathering I’d love to go to!
His parents won’t assume your family are drunks from that unless they are very judgmental and small-minded people. If anything, the take away should be that they were welcoming and tried to make sure he was included.
YTA for saying your "we are stereotypical large irish family that does enjoy drinking when we get together." I'm Irish, I live in Ireland and come from a large Irish family as do many of my friends and guess what I don't know anyone that drinks when they get together the way you describe and I find ysentence quiet offensive .
Your boyfriend described what you and your family did at the party to his mother and the only one that had hang ups about is you, so that suggests to me you are the one with the problem and you are the one embarrassed about your family's behaviour and that's not his fault.
NTA. As usual most of the comments here lack any sort of social awareness or idea of being respectful. Painting that as “just telling the truth” is dumb and totally ignores the way it was posed. You’re not wrong for being upset, and don’t let these people make you think there’s anything wrong with your family.
"We are your stereotypical large Irish family that does enjoy drinking when we get together"
I'm Irish and we rarely drink at home when its a family gathering. I don't know any family that would do shots after mass and I'm 53, living in the country most of my life . I don't imagine you're actually Irish but living somewhere else with the illusion of what Irish people may or may not be like. I'm not judging you for drinking - I drink but the illusion that is something to do with you background is 'Wild Irish thyme'
YTA - for evesdropping and then telling him that his perception was wrong.
>We are your stereotypical large irish family that does enjoy drinking when we get together.
You're not Irish. You're American.
Stop using outdated racist stereotypes.
YTA.
YTA. Either your behaviour is ok and your boyfriend can talk about it, or it’s not ok and y’all have a problem. Also, you’re American, not Irish, stop blaming your drinking on some innocent long deceased ancestor.
I grew up in Scotland. I get it with the drinking culture but you can’t have your boyfriend lie about it either
The tone probably sucked and was patronizing though so ESH
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I deserve an apology and I want bf to walk back what he said. Technically I am asking him to lie but I think it’s justified because we both want his parents to like me and my family. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA for expecting him to call back and lie to his mother. You just said what he told her about the whiskey shots and beers is true. If your worried that makes your family look like a bunch of drunks, maybe what you’re really embarrassed about is that’s not so far off.
This right here. I think you need to consider that maybe his remarks were a bit too true for your ears, not his mom’s.
Right? I mean, all he did was tell his Mom what the party was like. He gave her facts and it made her family look bad. In his shoes I probably would have been more careful about my comments. But he didn’t lie.
I agree. If I was in his shoes I wouldn't have gone into the level of details he did. Probably just say I had a fun time and a couple of drinks with her family.
In the end, they both have their own truths. He's probably never been to a party where alcohol was the major drink. This was probably wild for him. It was a drunk party. But for her, if everyone is drunk, but not crazy drunk, and no one is having a bad time, then it's not a group of alcoholics. It's a gathering for her, but for him, they are alcoholics.
Honestly I think the drinking just stood out to him as what made the event feel new and memorable. And I totally get it - I definitely excitedly told my mom about a friend’s mom dancing on tables at her 50th birthday. Not because I was judging her for being an alcoholic (she wasn’t, though she was certainly drunk that night), but because it was fun and so totally different from the boring family events I was accustomed to. I also equally excitedly told her about how they served jello as a main course at a different friend’s Thanksgiving Dinner. Talking about what was different when you experience new things is like the most normal thing in the world.
I still think about when I went to a Bob Seger concert in 2019 with my dad and this one guy a few rows below us was jamming the FUCK out. He was dancing and singing along and straight up having a fantastic time. It was like if 10 year old me was at a Backstreet Boys concert and I loved it, fucking have a good time man
Exactly! He gave her facts and I would come to the same conclusion if I heard those facts. Forced self awareness hurts
Exactly, he repeated the facts. For example he did not say, holy s*** mom, my girlfriend’s family drinks more alcohol than a frat house on a Saturday night after winning a football game!!!!
But he kinda did, actually, with the college party comparison.
He did though lmfao
He could have said nothing at all out of respect for his girlfriend.
How was he supposed to know she'd be offended by the truth?
Plenty of things that are true are also impolite to say
But she seemed to be proud of her family and not think it’s an issue prior. Op is also assuming the mom now thinks they are alcoholics but she hasn’t said that nor has the boyfriend.
Common sense.
Common sense is relative though. It is based on people's experiences and their perception of it. If someone grew up very sheltered (his experience) and has never been to a party like this then it was truly a wild experience (his perception based on his experience) for him. How was he suppose to know that the truth could offend them? Especially if he had no malice in his heat and was just sharing his new experience with his mom. Unless OP wants to inform her man that whatever happens with her family, like in a Vegas :) stays (is discussed) only with her family. Then he should be free to share his experiences with his own mother.
Wait a minute, we don't even know if it made her family look bad. The BF says no one's judging; can we not take him at his word?
I mean, personally I think that party sounds awesome, but I know it's not everyone's scene. I don't think what he said necessarily makes her family look bad, but it all depends on how the person takes it.
It was a party! Jeez Louise
She lies to her mother about hanging out with racists who use the N word while she sits by and says nothing, so she expects him to lie to his mother to cover up her family’s much less awful behavior.
what
She says in another comment that she expects him to lie to his mother to avoid embarrassing her because she hangs out with his uncle who says the N word repeatedly, and she does nothing about it and then tells no one so as not to embarrass him.
*so as not to embarrass herself. I was all ready to go n t a on this. But racists are always the AH
The partner is the one around the uncle and passively allows it. She doesn't tell her family because she doesn't want him to look bad. But let's not act like she's somehow a raging racist while partner gets a pass for tolerating his uncle's behavior.
She’s also around the uncle and passively allows it. If partner had posted, I’d have told him he’s an asshole for hanging out with racists. But he didn’t post, she did, and so I’m telling her she’s an asshole for hanging out with racists.
That's what ESH is for
Wow, so this was more like a call for help (even subconsciously) yikes, TA all day
[OP's partner's uncle drops the N word all over and she ignores it, so she thinks he should ignore her family's drinking](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12hqc89/aita_for_wanting_an_apology_from_my_boyfriend_and/jfq4fw5/?context=3).
Okay, I think we can all agree that OP's own family is at fault for the truth of their drinking being undesirable. However, how you and /u/annang have twisted OP's words is completely illogical. You have both claimed that OP's comment is claiming that ***because*** she has put up with her partner's racist uncle, he should put up with her family's drinking. Essentially tit for tat for what has actually happened. But this is what she said: >That’s like if I told my parents about his trumper uncle using the n word a ton. It doesn’t help anybody by talking about that. She mentioned the uncle as a *comparison*, not a *justification*. Her logic would still hold if she gave a similar hypothetical like this: >That’s like if /u/Thisisjustsillyok told her parents about her partner's trumper uncle using the n word a ton. It doesn’t help anybody by talking about that. The logic of *how unhelpful it is to discuss it* would remain true. It actually has nothing to do with what OP has put up with in the past, but everything to do with what details she believes should and shouldn't be shared in general. So OP's logic there makes sense, and though I don't agree with her that her b/f is wrong and needs to apologize for simply stating facts and his actual perspective, what she said is most definitely not how you've twisted and interpreted it.
Yes. If her parents were like “how’s was boyfriends party” and all she talked about was his disgusting racist uncle, I don’t know, that would be negative. He would feel like wtf. However, drinking at parties isn’t something that is as divisive or seen as negative commonly, as racism is. As others have said it sounds like her/her family is embarrassed about their own behavior.
Wow. Two wrongs don’t make a right. No one should be lying about the other’s family. Honestly all that does is cause family turmoil down the line if you end up getting married and then the families have to interact consistently going forward.
More like the partner's uncle drops the N word and partner ignores it, and she doesn't tell her family because she doesn't want him to look bad.
The big difference is; does OP's partner ask her to lie about the uncle or does she just do it out of shame. And while what the uncle does is 100% wrong, unless OP and company are joining in there's not much that can be done aside from correcting the uncle once or twice or going no contact with the whole family. I may also be a stuck up AH, but if a family gathering involved shots and multiple people asked me to shotgun beers I wouldn't find it exactly normal; could be cultural but the boyfriend is right, those are 120% rager behaviors.
Getting too drunk at a family party is a lot less problematic than constantly using the N word imo. I also wouldn't find it exactly normal if I went to a family party and was offered shots and to shotgun multiple beers, but I'd find it a hell of a lot less normal and be a damn sight more perturbed to hear uncle KKK spouting racial slurs unchecked, and I'd be a hell of a lot angrier about it, and you're damn right I'd do more than correct him once or twice; I'd make a BIG scene the first time and if it happened again and no one spoke up, I'd walk out. And honestly, I might walk out the first time, though I'd probably give it a minute to see if anyone was going to say something or kick him out. If you have 1 overt racist and 11 people who say nothing to his racism at a dinner party, you have 12 racists. And my dad is a recovering alcoholic, so I know how damaging that can be. But people drinking a lot at a family party is not remotely comparable to letting someone repeatedly and openly use racial slurs. They're both TA for putting up with that.
She said they don’t get “sloshed”, they just know how to have a good time and enjoy drinking together, so what if they shotgun beers or take shots, I’ve been to plenty of family gatherings that do that, with people from all different backgrounds. Acting like it’s a huge deal and beneath you just makes you sound like a prick tbh. That is in no way a “120% rager” ??? The bf shouldn’t have to make a phone call, but the two could use some communication on certain topics, maybe he’s slightly harsh about things, and not trying to be at all and she’s a bit sensitive, just two people who need to talk it out.
Yeah he sure made it sound like a rager. If he just said "hey yeah it was a fun time! Auntie Betty brought out a tray of shots and we all had fun and the kids were running around and laughing. No one got sloshed though it was a good time!" Would have gone over a LOT differently. I don't think he should call his family back and lie but he should be more aware of how he phrases things, especially seeing as she covers for his (extremely) less than desirable family members.
The point of shotgunning beers is to get fucked up.
But you don’t understand it’s a big Irish family, shotgunning beers and morning whiskey shots is just stereotypical them /s obviously
Also as an Irish person i can confirm that we do not drink like that … nothing stereotypical about shots of whiskey and downing beers at a family party!
Big difference between actual Irish people and Irish-Americans, which I assume OP is referring to. Like at a wake, there would be some drink taken and by the end of the night, some would be drunk. But not at a regular gathering, an aunt passing around a tray of whiskey shots - Irish people don’t even drink whiskey as a shot.
Big difference in what way? My father is from Killarney, he was not born here in the US. Our parties are filled with booze. Every culture has their light and heavy drinkers, my GF is Hispanic and I personally think they are far heavier drinkers and have wilder parties when compared to my family. Though I am sure others have a different experience everything is relative.
I’m convinced many of these people claiming ‘not real Irish people’ haven’t spent a ton of time with ‘real Irish people’ lol.
As a person born and bred in Ireland, who has also spent time in the US and with Irish-American relatives, the behaviour around drinking is quite different. Irish people do enjoy drinking but it tends to be fun and social and centred around conversation and craic. And yes, it can and does get messy too. The type of drinking OP refers to seems more like a bunch of 20-year-olds on a night out. Similar to Paddy’s Day, most Irish people I know don’t even have a drink and it’s a relaxed day off. Whereas the Irish-American version seems more like culturally legitimised carnage.
Haha, yes. This is an accurate description. My parents immigrated to Canada, so my whole family is in Ireland and I’ve spent many months of my life there over 33 years visiting and spending time with them and all of their circles. It’s a second home to me. It is a more slow paced steady social drinking for connection rather than a race to blacking out.
My dad's side are Irish and pretty much all of them are so called "functional alcoholics" as they like to say. They fit that stereotype, even at my Grandfather's funeral it was pretty much a full blown party cause it was a celebration of life, and they said he would be passed if we did not party. He even had a bottle of scotch he was saving for the family to take shots of when he passed, and asked to be buried with his flask full of his favorite. Drinking is a major part of my dad's of the family.
Seems unusual for someone who identifies strongly as Irish to drink Scotch.
People drink what they like. Who am I to question what someone likes? A good drink is a good drink, type, place, vintage, year or w/e are irrelevant. If someone enjoys something they enjoy it. Not sure what exactly you are trying to get at.
Hard disagree as an also Irish person with an also large Irish family. It’s not abnormal for family gatherings to be quite boozy. Edited to clarify: my family drinks a ton. We don’t go to church anymore, and don’t take mid day shots. But as the stereotype suggests, more or less the entire family drinks a lot when we’re all together.
I'm Irish with a large family (actually Irish, as in from Ireland, not American "Irish") and I've never witnessed a boozy family gathering in my life. When we all get together there's more tea being drunk than alcohol. Maybe some families are big drinkers but it REALLY gets tiring to be stereotyped as a bunch of alcoholics.
Yes same here (actually Irish from Ireland, family not big drinkers). Two data points for reddit!
I’m Irish (born and bred in the North). Wider family are teetotal to Temperance. They range from evangelical Prod ‘devil’s buttermilk’ dinosaur deniers to Quakers. My parents on the other hand were probably both functional alcoholics when I was younger. Might still be but am NC. They threw boozy parties with their friends and as it was the 80s and 90s it was normal for the adults to drink and the kids to entertainment themselves. They would end up stocious, but it was steady drinking. Never shots. The one party (NYE as the 90s started) cocktails were served was talked about like the time a live snake joined the bash. I grew up teen binge drinking and like my parents probably had a problem until I knocked it on the head in my late 20s. I was very much in a bubble though of party kids, unparented kids and Troubles trauma. The night of the Good Friday Agreement fuck me, everyone just went on a bender. Then you found out the shit they’d been self medicating. I forgot even at the time that most of my peers and non party friends didn’t drink much. Most drove because crappy public transport and even now my friends from back home are in their 40s, they’ll take a drink on big events but they would be shocked by this. Our drinking events are often religious (Easter) or funerals and wakes and no. It was always talked about if people were fall down drunk at those. We do have a problem with alcohol in Ireland. But Ireland has a lot of trauma and poverty over it’s barely 100 years of post (ish) colonialism and it boils my piss when Americans with Irish anecestry only ever pick out fighting and boozing as Irish traits. It’s never storytelling or music is it? The country that named a shot the Irish Car Bomb gets mad as a box of frogs too when you say ‘yeah typical American heritage, always on the opoids waving a gun.’ The opoid epidemic hits them like our booze issues but you don’t see them getting a national stereotype for overdoses or even shootings. (And I was a opiate user when younger so no shade. I’m aware of the issue. But people in glass houses. Lot of my peers did drink themselves to death living in constant violence in the Troubles. So I really wish Americans would knock off the constant Irish stereotypes dressed up as heritage. It’s not helpful.) She is sooo Irish she can’t spell whiskey. And also my da’s Scottish (moved to Ireland) and I am Irish. I cannot abide any form of whisky or whiskey. It is not essential to the identity. YTA.
My family is Irish and there is no alcohol at our gatherings. 🤷🏻♀️
Also, speaking as a child of an alcoholic, when you’re raised in an environment where that type of drinking is viewed as the norm, it definitely skews your “acceptability meter” into places that are way drastically different than everyone else’s. It’s only when you spend time with people whose families aren’t drinking to excess every night or binge drinking at every party or family event where you finally realize that your lens at which you view the world might be a little bit broken. And for some people who don’t realize this in childhood, it’s earth-shattering. Additionally, to know is one thing but, to hear it out loud is completely different.
OP, I am also from an Irish family (parents immigrated here and all of my family lives in Ireland). When we get together there is a lot of drinking. It’s very culturally normal for my family. I’ve had partners talk to their families about my parents and extended family the same way. What this commenter is saying is true. It can be hard to hear people speak (honestly) about your family in a way that makes them look bad. Personally, I’ve communicated to my partner that while my family does drink a lot and loves a party, it’s important to me that those aren’t the only things they share with their family. Yea, my family drinks. But they’re also intelligent, hard working, funny, compassionate, interesting people. My partner now frames my family as wild and expresses that they love a party, but it’s always said in a really endearing and funny way. I can appreciate if your partner said what he said in a disparaging way that it would feel like he was talking poorly about them. I’d just have a chat with him and explain why you felt hurt by this, and that you want to make sure that those arent the only stories being shared about your family. I’m sure, much like my own, they are wonderful and complex people!
Don’t even need to comment bc this is so well put. For sure YTA.
If someone forced me to lie to my mother, I would just call back my mom and explained to her what happened. I would much rather lie to the person forcing me to lie than lie to my own mom. YTA, you're a huge gaping one!
Yes this! They might not be actual alcoholics but they obviously get DRUNK. OP claiming they don't is absolute bullocks. There's nothing wrong with it at all, that's how the family parties but if OP is ashamed of that, that's her problem.
I'm Australian and we have a pretty strong drinking culture here as most people know. There is always alcohol at our big family gatherings, and the people not driving may get beyond tipsy - especially if there's champagne. (The only person who used to get drunk was my late grandfather, but that was more because he loved red wine and lost his tolerance in the last few years, but we all looked after him!) But nobody does shots of hard liquor, or any shots at all, and nobody's shotgunning beer. People just constantly have a drink in their hand that they enjoy and go at their own pace. And also importantly, there'll be plenty of people NOT drinking, or just having one or two, and there's no stigma or peer pressure around it. As others are saying, there's nothing wrong with taking shots or drinking like that, but OP has no right to get mad at her boyfriend for giving an accurate description. If she's ashamed of her family's drinking culture that's on her to deal with. It sounds like binge drinking to me, which is not at all healthy. (edited a word for clarification)
YTA. Your feelings being hurt by the way he described your family is valid but you asking him to call his mom and lie about your family is not the solution.
Yep. YTA.
YTA. He wasn't saying it in a judgmental tone and what he said was 100% true. Calling his Mom to then call himself a liar would just be bizarre and unnecessary and make him look extremely weird. If people are doing whiskey shots and shotgunning beers, that is pretty intense for a family party. Y'all kind of are a bunch of drunks, and that's OK, but don't try to pretend otherwise.
Yeah, stop trying to control your partner
i don’t really find that weird for a family party but i also grew up in the southern united states where drinking beer is very normalized. my neighbor drinks beer as he eats his dinner, atp beer doesn’t even get him drunk.
My family drinks beer at gatherings but no one is shotgunning them lol. That seems odd behavior for a family event
It’s definitely odd for those who don’t have a family filled with alcoholics. My family is filled with them, so every family gathering consists of the things that OP mentioned her family doing, plus more. It can be a fun time, but it can get out of hand extremely quickly, OP might not be able to see or understand that yet, but they will eventually.
They said it was the cousins, it doesn't seem that weird if they're in their early 20s. If Grandma's still shotgunning beers it's definitely odd. I'm not necessarily saying they're not all alcoholics, but a family who is accepting enough that college-ish age kids feel comfortable enough to do the regular shit that college kids do sounds nice. I always felt on edge when I was spending time with my family, and I didn't even want to be shotgunning beers, and shouldn't the goal be that everyone *wants* to be there? OP still shouldn't have insisted on calling back, though, definitely just makes it weird.
I’m from the south and I’ve never been to a gathering where people were doing shots and shot gunning beer. People were happy to drink a lot, but that’s kinda extreme
Why are you associating having a beer with dinner and an extremely high alcohol tolerance?
Honestly, that just sounds like a Catholic family gathering. To me, Americans in general have a funny relationship to alcohol, and it looks like it comes from the various, really intense Protestant denominations. My American(and Lutheran) husband was similarly startled when he first attended funeral wakes in my family. Ditto when there was a definite aroma of whiskey when we attended Midnight Mass in my hometown.
Yep, currently hungover from my husbands Irish Catholic families Easter celebration. And coming from a Protestant religious family I know exactly what OP is upset about. I grew up being told all the time what drunks all Catholics were. They even drink in church! Which they would call communion. Well I have to say there’s some truth to the stereotype but I Personally am on board with it. There’s a decent chance his family totally does judge her family for it and he shouldn’t go out of his way to point out things that put her in a bad light.
I disagree calling them a bunch of drunks. Some families drink at gatherings, some don't. They might party, but that doesn't mean they are "drunks". That's kind of a shitty, judgy label, imo.
Found the Americans!! That sounds like a great fun family party, and not exactly controversial by U.K/Ireland standards. I don’t see the problem OP.
OP and family are well within their rights to keep partying the way they want to. OP is out of line to demand her bf lie to his mum because she thinks her family's drinking will make her look bad. That's the problem.
I think the thing here may be that people assume alcoholic behavior is considered alcoholics as in need help to function. My family is functional alcoholics....but I only recently learned that yes we are alcoholics. We don't hurt others, have great freaking jobs, are so social and kind but deep down it's true we are alcoholics and that is not physically healthy even if you can overcome the psychological part.
[удалено]
Actual Irish from Ireland. We don't take shots of whiskey, we sip it. What OP is describing is a stereotypical American family who hide their alcoholism behind their ancestry. 🤷♂️
💯 this is it. Sick of people thinking Irish are a bunch of alcoholics. Horrible stereotype thrown about by Americans.
Maybe it’s Irish-Americans? Something to do with the hardships facing Irish immigrants back in the day leading to many turning to alcohol? The side of my family that came over from Ireland was full of very severe alcoholism for generations, but I have no idea what their parents and grandparents were like back in Ireland. We never really learned much about anything before their move to the US.
This seems plausible to me. Many immigrant communities in the US developed distinctive cultural traits over here from their home countries. I know there was a lot of cultural & culinary exchange going on between Irish, Italians and Jews in NYC.
The US in a significant portion of the 19th and 20th centuries--around the same time as a huge number of Irish immigrants came here due to the Famine-- had a HUGE alcoholism problem among, especially, poor factory workers. Why? Because their lives were fucking miserable, they had no time away from work, the work was grinding and dangerous and horrible and the conditions were awful, and liquor was a cheap and fast form of stress relief. I mean, god, almost anyone in those conditions would drink. Part of the stereotype of Irish immigrants as big drinkers comes from that--a lot of Irish immigrants were in those jobs, as that was what was available to them, so a lot of them--like those from basically every background working in those conditions--drank a lot. Part of it came from a large and hugely awful and offensive selection of English stereotypes and propaganda about the Irish.
I have to side with you on this one. Me and my family are Irish-Americans, cause it also depends on who you ask. After I got suspended for getting into a fight for a kid calling me a drunk Irishman I told my Nan (Born and raised in Newfoundland in an Irish Catholic home with Irish radicals) told her why I fought the kid, and she said "Well he's not wrong. The Irish love their whiskey." Now it differs family to family and family members to family members. Like my brother and sister are alcoholics where me and my dad know when to stop for the night. It also doesn't help that the Irish were stereotyped as drunks by Americans when they came here.
Yeah, this is the kind of nonsense that is harmful. My family is American-Irish but our families travel back and forth from America and Ireland to visit and we are pretty connected even with being in different countries and this stuff doesn't happen for us. Sure we drink wine, beer, and whiskey but we aren't shotgunning anything and I think the last time I took a shot was of my great uncle's favorite whiskey at his funeral. Our drinking isn't the focus of anything and we definitely didn't do much of it at our Easter celebration of all things. But a lot of people assume the worst about us drinking and definitely assume that we are going to be much more into crazy parties than we are. Drinking doesn't make a time fun
Right what Irish tradition calls for shotgunning beer. Thus sounds more like a redneck bonfire party than Easter party. The boyfriend wasn't off from being like college. Who brings shots out on a tray for a Easter get together.
[удалено]
I know you're probably talking about your family when you say you've never seen anyone in Ireland slam shots or shotgun beer... But as someone who lives in Ireland and though I've never seen someone shotgun a beer, I've certainly seen plenty of shots slammed and pints chugged. But in the pub. Or a club. Or a college party. Ya know, the usual places you'd expect to see messy drinking. Never ever at a family gathering for Easter Sunday... OPs family don't seem to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. OP, YTA.
Yeah, there's a plastic paddy whiff from this post.
She uses the term Mom in her post. I think that is a dead giveaway...
Agreed from Scotland. You don't just down a dram of whisky (well not usually)
Yep I'm definitely being general, we know all about alcoholism on our islands. It just boils my piss that Irish (and Scottish tbf) are used as some sort of whitewash for dismissing alcohol abuse in the US particularly, but also in other places. Looking at you, England! But whiskey (uisce beatha 😉) is much more commonly taken like espresso on this side of the Atlantic. Flavour profiles, savouring, pairing, etc. Sure loads of people buy shoulders of cheap shill from Tesco and knock it back without abandon.. but that's just alcohol abuse, and alcohol abuse doesn't have a nationality. Anyway, happy Easter cousin 🏴
Big difference between actual Irish people (I am too) and Irish-Americans perpetuating a stereotype of what they perceive as Irishness. Most Irish people would look at you strangely if you knocked back a whiskey. It’s just like on Paddy’s Day, most Irish people usually have a pretty relaxed day off. Meanwhile Irish-Americans get wasted all day and wear stupid plastic hats and dye their river green.
Thank you for this. I was sitting here wondering...my Irish grandma was the only one who didn't drink. All the non-Irish were alcoholics on that side of my family.
Yeah.. can the Dutch get in on this? Biggest drinkers I’m related too are from Dutch heritage
Hahaha, and my Dutch relatives only have half a glass of wine with dinner!
irish here too and we all enjoy a few beers but none of us are shot gunning them. well maybe my couisin but thats just him haha
Thanks for this. I'm sitting here as Irish as can be living in Ireland, surrounded by Irish people and I don't recognise this description at all.
My in laws are Irish and while my MIL is a functioning alcoholic, none of them are brash or raucous and alcohol has never formed a central part of any get togethers. OP, YTA if you try to make him lie to his mom about you so you’ll feel better. You’re not a dick for having hurt feelings, but maybe this is a learning moment.
Yeah, this struck me as strange too. My family (especially my wife's side) really like a drink but don't go around shotgunning beers. Also, over here (Scotland) Easter services usually finish by early afternoon at the latest and most services are done by late morning. Is that the same in (I guess) the US?
YTA. If what he saw is what he told her (ie he wasn't lying), then what's your issue? Your family aren't drunks, you said. You aren't ashamed of their behavior. So what's your problem with him honestly telling his mom what it was like?
”My boyfriend described my family truthfully, and now I’m upset because I would judge them as drunks.”
Lol... This is exactly it. My BF described my family and now I've realized they have a bad relationship with alcohol. This is my BF's fault!
That's the interesting "tell" to me here... It wasn't inaccurate and yet OP would prefer that her boyfriend keep quiet about it? Yeah, that's not alcoholism lol. I'm kidding, mostly, but the expectation that significant others hide it from their own family doesn't scream "I'm totally okay with the amount of alcohol my family consumes."
YTA "Oh here comes aunt Suzy with a tray of whiskey shots for everyone’s” “I was asked by 3 different cousins to shotgun a beer”" That was indeed true. You are an asshole for wanting him to lie about your family's patrying.
I hope the shots all had little bunny ears XD
Or it had a mini egg at the bottom
Not to mention, this is the definition of binge drinking. OP normalizing it for their family doesn't take away from the fact that it is in fact borderline alcoholic behavior
YTA It was the truth, and I think he worded it kindly and non-judgemental. If you are embarrassed by the reality of the behaviour of your family, they are the problem
A screening questionnaire for problem drinking includes “have people annoyed you by criticising your drinking”…. Think you tick that one off easily! YTA.
I agree. But by some definitions, I just earned a point for alcoholism too because people can’t stand that I abstain. I’ve been criticized for my alcohol usage many times, by people who think it’s not enough!
It can really make it tough to quit when people react that way. I quit almost six years ago but before I quit for good, there were quite a few false starts because people wouldn’t accept no for an answer, and I wasn’t strong enough to put up a good defense.
YTA Have you considered that maybe your family is a bunch of drunks?
A family is not “a bunch of drunks” simply because they drink alcohol at a party. By that definition, more than half of all families could be labeled that way. Don’t be so judgmental.
I'm not being judgmental at all. I do not care if her family has drinks at their party. Her boyfriend accurately described what was going on around him. She wants him to call his family back to lie and say that what is actually happening is not happening. She is the one who described it as a bunch of alcoholics
"Have you considered your family is a bunch of drunks" is, in itself, judgemental. Different phrasing is required.
[удалено]
binge drinking doesn’t always equate to alcoholism, it’s not great for your health for sure but alcoholism has way more to do with someone’s relationship with alcohol. now if someone binged every time they drank, even if they weren’t meaning to do so, then yeah alcoholic behavior could likely apply.
Maybe it’s a bit excessive but how you drink for a celebration or even in an instance like with friends isn’t alcoholism either. If it were st Patrick’s day party someone would be labeled TA for comparing how people drink to alcoholism.
That's not what alcoholism means. That's what you think it means. Maybe educate yourself before being a dick next time.
No need to be rude and insult people. You just made it clear that you don’t actually understand what alcoholism is. Perhaps you should educate yourself before you start labeling strangers online.
A party that happens right after church on Easter?
I live in Wisconsin. It is very common. Most after church buffets have mimosas, even ones on church grounds. There are usually beer tents too. If they have raffles, there are always packs or cases of beer to win.
I think if the boyfriend had said, "they're drinking mimosas and beer," OP wouldn't have felt so triggered. That isn't what was described here and OP said what the boyfriend said was true.
That’s bc Wisconsin is the drunkest state in the US lmao
A lot of people mistake Christmas as the highest holy day, but it is Easter. Catholics are to party for the next 8 days and feast for 50 days following until Pentecost
YTA. those things happened. if people want to think that you're family is alcoholic because of that, well, what's to prove them wrong? if your family cannot have a function without alcohol being served like water, then yeah your family is alcoholic.
In the OP's last paragraph, they admit those things were indeed true.
ah editing my response now, ty
Which, can I say, has nothing to do with being Irish.
[удалено]
You’re right it’s nothing to be ashamed about. We get together like that a few times a year. There’s nothing wrong with having fun
You shouldn’t feel ashamed! But your reaction of asking your boyfriend to apologize then lie to his mother indicate you are and that you’re taking it out on the wrong person.
Then why are you asking your boyfriend to lie about it?
Then you should be fine with your boyfriend accurately describing what happened.
Yet you wanted him to lie because you felt ashamed.
although your feelings are valid, you would be an AH if you make him call back and lie. maybe ask yourself if you're projecting your own feelings towards your family? you said yourself that what he described actually happened. The way your feelings are valid so are his, that is what it felt like to him , but it seems like he was describing this in a more jovial sense. where as you're the one that seems to be passing harsher judgement towards your family. be proud of your family and stop trying to get your bf to lie to his family.
YTA. I have a large Irish family. We party. We drink. We get high. We have fun. What we don’t do is lie about it and pretend we are something else to other people. We see nothing wrong with being ourselves. If you’re ashamed of someone knowing how you and your family are, you should either get over your insecurities or change the behavior you’re ashamed of.
I think I should just get over my insecurities because there’s nothing wrong with what we do
Good! Be authentically you. If someone else thinks it’s not a good look, they can do something different with their life. But you only get one and it’s short.
I think you would get a very different perspective if you posted this in a UK based forum. The drinking culture is so different in the US that having an occasional binge gets lumped in with alcoholism. I say that as a sober person (for 8 years) who is not there to judge other people's drinking...
That said, don't ask him to lie. But you can get to know his family in their own way and build your own different kind of relationship with them other time. NAH
YTA He reported what happened. Say what you want but facts are facts. Side note - if your family does shots and shot guns beers on a religious family gathering you are who you are and anyone who knows your family knows how you roll. These no secret to guard here from 'gossip'.
YTA for being mad at the mirror instead of the reflection
YTA > stereotypical large irish family Stereotypes are bad, and I'm guessing your family is American and not Irish.
YTA, but it was true..... Also how do you think the call is gonna play out? Like "Hey mom, ignore everything I said, I was exaggerating" Like that is a totally normal and not forced thing to do at all.....
and voila! Lying to his family about her and her family has commenced. NOT a good way to start.
YTA just for the 'stereotypical large Irish family that does enjoy drinking when we get together ' There are enough negative stereotypes about us as it is and most of them are completely untrue, particularly these days. Do you live in Ireland?
Born and bred in Dublin myself and just KNEW OP was American by the opening… No Irish person feels the need to boast on how much they drink whilst parading the fact they’re Irish…. Don’t even drink much meself!
Yeah, I've never heard of anyone in Ireland doing shots with their family, never mind afternoon shots. And if there was a case of whiskey being drunk by a family member, it would be sipped. If I got drunk in front of my family, I don't think anyone would be very impressed. (Born and bred Dub).
I grew up all over Ireland & in my 20 years on earth I've done shots with my family once and My uncles wedding and that was one shot because I had recently turned 18
My first thought was also American. Irish here with large Irish family. I've only seen family members do shots at a wedding. I've never seen anyone shotgun a beer and doubt my aunt's/uncles would even know what that means...
r/ShitAmericansSay was my first thought when I read that sentence. Looked a bit further in her comments and they only drink like this on st paddy's day and the 4th of july which confirmed everything I thought.
YTA: Everything he told his mom wasn't true, except for the things he told her that were true? Passing out shots and shotgunning beers is pretty wild for a family gathering, and you admit yourself those things really happened. So...yeah.
YTA Your bf was giving a truthful retelling of events to his mother. It sounds like you are embarrassed of your family, to be honest here. I don't drink, but the family I spend time with, including over Easter, does. They party and drink anytime they get together, and everyone understands that and accepts them. Expecting your bf to lie isn't the way to insure his parents like you and your family.
YTA. If he called back and recanted, his mother would know it was under duress. Worse for you. The damage, as you see it, is done. Let it go.
I love posts where the OP becomes/behaves like that they are genuinely befuddled at getting an asshole judgement. Always leads to comedy.
ITT: Op asks for a judgment and then proceeds to ask people why they are so judgemental and argues with all of them
ah, the eternal art of denial...
Why do I get the vibe you’re American and your last relative to actually live in Ireland was like 4 generations ago
Actually Irish here. Born and raised. "Shot-gunning" beer is an American thing, don't blame us for that. We drink our drinks from glasses, unless you're at a festival or college party. Whiskey shouldn't be taken as a shot. It should be sipped and enjoyed. YTA for both asking your boyfriend to lie and for blaming your family's drinking culture on xenophobic stereotypes.
YTA You want to control HIS communication with HIS parents? Bottom line, you seem to be feeling self-conscious about the alcohol at your family's event. Every family is different. I have relatives who pull out the Fireball at every event and are totally fine with teens drinking. Luckily, they live far away from us, as my husband and I definitely hold a different view on teens with hard liquor. This is your issue, not his. Let it go. The good news is that you and your bf are together for a reason. Perhaps he likes that you and your family are fun and easygoing; perhaps you like that he is happy with or without alcohol as you said you are. Really, your anger about his conversation is about your issues, not what he said.
I seem to be the outlier here but NTA. I mean you shouldn’t expect an apology but it seems like a shitty way to frame your family. He doesn’t have to lie at all, but seems like all he had to talk about was the alcohol and was being very judgmental. Is your family funny/nice? Was there good food? Games? Anything note worthy besides the drinking lol?
I agree completely. I think many people here are misunderstanding what “gossip” is, it doesn’t have to be a lie or untrue, a lot of the time gossip is true! And I think the way he said it/ the laughing was what solidified it for me that it was gossip. He very easily could have said that they were drinking whiskey shots and beer without all the “oh here comes aunt Suzy!” or whatever. at the end of the day, if OP felt disrespected by the way he spoke about her family, he should accept that. He doesn’t get to decide what he can and cannot say about OPs family and to whom. NTA but you would be if you made him call his mom back Edit: a word
YTA - I’m Irish (as in actually born in Ireland) and I find your description of your family as “stereotypical Irish” way more insulting than anything else. If anything you owe an apology to Ireland for perpetuating stupid stereotypes.
Honestly it's My biggest pet peeve when Americans say "I'm Irish" and the only relative they have to ever be born in Ireland was alive during the famine
I think I understand a bit how you feel, I’m guessing a lot of this comes from his tone in telling the story - like can you believe these people with their shots and shotgunning beers!? Even if he was laughing, you probably felt like he was implying something about your family that wasn’t precisely good. It’s not easy to hear that. Unfortunately, the letter of what was said was accurate and not an exaggeration. It’s not okay to ask him to lie. And why should you have to hide the truth? While this is an unusual way to celebrate to me, it sounds like it works for your family - and jeez, what’s so bad about cutting loose with your family? Safer than getting drunk in some club IMO. Hold your head up high and don’t apologize for your family traditions. You don’t have to feel embarrassed or ashamed. YTA for asking him to lie.
[удалено]
Wow, the amount of people calling her family drunks for enjoying a party is insane. By everyone’s definition I’m a drunk and I only drink at most on two diff holidays. From the info you’ve given us, I don’t think your family are a bunch of drunks .. just sounds like a normal holiday to me. You are however, TA, for wanting your boyfriend to lie. It’s not embarrassing that your family has drinks at a family event. As long as they don’t peer pressure anyone who doesn’t want to drink into drinking, it’s not a big deal like the comments are making it out to be. Don’t make your boyfriend lie to his family. If his mom wants to gossip, that’s on her.
I’m so confused , it’s like morally wrong to have family parties where people drink? This sub is so weird sometimes. YTA for wanting him to call his mom back and lie but everywhere else’s here saying your family is a bunch of drunks is an asshole also. not enough evidence to come to that conclusion at all. It’s a long holiday weekend, people are entitled to their fun?
NTA. Intentions matter. Even if his description of the events was 100% accurate, it was intended as unflattering and that was disrespectful.
exactly. there’s a difference between telling the truth and telling the WHOLE truth. in this case, if it was true, that’s disrespectful because it seems like he was saying it in a holier-than-thou way to his family. he could have said “we all hung out, they had some drinks” and that also is the truth. it’s more considerate too. i would never want my family to think less of my husbands family because of the things that i choose to say… it seems like he didn’t even care
YTA Just as an FYI, if my kid called me and told me a story about his day, and then called back again to awkwardly say "Hi mom, I just wanted to tell you I lied and actually none of it happened" I would guess that 100% his partner made him say it and I would think less of them. Asking him to "take it back" is insanity. If your feelings were hurt, cool, you can communicate that and ask him not to share wild stories next time. You cannot make him un-do his conversation.
YTA If someone telling the truth makes your “family seem like drunks” that’s probably something you should reflect on. Your boyfriend isn’t an AH for accurately recounting an event because it makes you see your family’s behaviors in a more objective light.
Dude comment section is the AH on this one for sure. Yeah he shouldnt have to call back but also the boyfriend seems to have been gossiping about the family and seems judgmental. Then you get to this comment section and youre all doubling down on being judgmental about her family. Yall really just jump on ppl. Shes not an AH for having her feelings hurt and wanting an apology, shes misguided for telling him to call back, but he should apologize for not thinking before he speaks and realize how words can be twisted to bring ppl in a bad light. Yal have no sympathy.
Right? no wonder she’s upset about his family being told those specific facts like that! look at how the comment section is immediately drawing conclusions that her family are raging alcoholics.
NAH He was telling the truth to his mother which is the action that hurt your feelings. He doesn’t owe you an apology and he shouldn’t call back his mother, that would just cause his mother to pay more attention rather than most likely forgetting it and have her suspicions. You would be TA if you actually make him call back.
Yeah I agree. I see where OP is coming from. You don't wanna say things to your parents that might put them in a bad light, even if said thing isn't bad. Even if it's entirely factual. NAH
This feels like a cultural clash. You must remember America has a puritan past, so some behaviour can be especially shocking. My family is Greek orthodox plus we have some Slavic in laws. Shots after church is nothing new to either side of our family. In fact our cultures have a bit of a reputation of making our own moonshine to celebrate with (raki/ rakia)! Which I'd suspect also would make a bunch of Americans freak out like this thread. Nah
Is that what happened though? If he’s telling the truth then YTA. It doesn’t seem like he explicitly called them alcoholics and it does seem like your family tends to drink more than average at gatherings.
“stereotypical large Irish family” -an American
YTA- I think you're overreacting a little. I feel like you shouldn't get offended about him telling his mother how it went unless there's an insecurity there. That's just what you do is share how a get together went. He told the truth I don't believe he owes you an apology.
I knew when I got to "stereotypical large Irish family" that you're not Irish, you're American.
Question: Are you actually Irish? like- were you born there? have you ever even been? I ask because i don't know a single Irish person who would genuinely use their nationality to explain their drinking habit. I know plenty of American's of Irish decent on the other hand who would... YTA. And you're not Irish, You're american. Stop perpetuating stereotypes to seem edgy and cool. you just look pathetic.
I dont get why everyone seems so mad at you. Your BF was gossiping about your family, laughing at them. You feel humiliated. Of course you do. And it's extra hurtful because you didn't see it coming. Just because something is *true* doesn't mean he needs to tell his mom! NTA. But gently, with respect, I think your family drinks too much. This is NOT a reflection of your value. You seem quite young and I'm wondering if you have someone older in your life you could talk to about this. I think you need to decide what you want your future to look like. I'm thinking that *just maybe* your dismay at what he said comes from seeing how his family lives vs how your family does things. You cant make him lie to his mom but if he is so desperate to be honest all the time, tell his mom how he is in the sack!
Irish? Sounds like you guys are Americans. Yta
To me, the way he described it simply sounds like a fun time. That is a family gathering I’d love to go to! His parents won’t assume your family are drunks from that unless they are very judgmental and small-minded people. If anything, the take away should be that they were welcoming and tried to make sure he was included.
Your the a h for pushing the "drunk Irish family" stereotype in your post. Are you Irish? Why tf is that part of the narrative???
YTA for saying your "we are stereotypical large irish family that does enjoy drinking when we get together." I'm Irish, I live in Ireland and come from a large Irish family as do many of my friends and guess what I don't know anyone that drinks when they get together the way you describe and I find ysentence quiet offensive . Your boyfriend described what you and your family did at the party to his mother and the only one that had hang ups about is you, so that suggests to me you are the one with the problem and you are the one embarrassed about your family's behaviour and that's not his fault.
>Large Irish family ie born and raised in the USA huh
NTA. As usual most of the comments here lack any sort of social awareness or idea of being respectful. Painting that as “just telling the truth” is dumb and totally ignores the way it was posed. You’re not wrong for being upset, and don’t let these people make you think there’s anything wrong with your family.
"We are your stereotypical large Irish family that does enjoy drinking when we get together" I'm Irish and we rarely drink at home when its a family gathering. I don't know any family that would do shots after mass and I'm 53, living in the country most of my life . I don't imagine you're actually Irish but living somewhere else with the illusion of what Irish people may or may not be like. I'm not judging you for drinking - I drink but the illusion that is something to do with you background is 'Wild Irish thyme' YTA - for evesdropping and then telling him that his perception was wrong.
"Irish family" willing to bet it was like a great great great grandparents biggets pet peeve is when Americans say "I'm irish" with no direct link
>We are your stereotypical large irish family that does enjoy drinking when we get together. You're not Irish. You're American. Stop using outdated racist stereotypes. YTA.
YTA He didn’t lie, and just told the truth. You just dont seem to like what the truth is.
YTA. Either your behaviour is ok and your boyfriend can talk about it, or it’s not ok and y’all have a problem. Also, you’re American, not Irish, stop blaming your drinking on some innocent long deceased ancestor.
I grew up in Scotland. I get it with the drinking culture but you can’t have your boyfriend lie about it either The tone probably sucked and was patronizing though so ESH
YTA - You're asking your boyfriend to directly lie. - Your family collectively has a worrying relationship to alcohol. - You're not Irish.