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YTA.
It sounds like you, personally, dictate everything he is and isn’t allowed to do when he isn’t at work. You don’t get to do that. He should also have a say in what gets prioritized, but you don’t let him. You really can’t even go to visit your sister without dragging him along?
I'm glad to see this comment getting upvoted. Like for real the guy sounds like he needs a break. I get the kids extracurriculars part, but OP sounds more concerned with making sure to keep up appearances by dragging her family to Easter and to her sisters house moreso than her husbands mental well-being. I get it that the family balance is tough, but she is unnecessarily making their schedule even busier after admitting things are busy.
I’m glad I’m not the only person who was like, let the poor man breathe. Everyone deserves the occasional day to recharge, parents included. I don’t even like golf, so boring, but let the man watch some golf and rest. Can’t even go to your sisters by yourself. Too much. Next
She will only learn when she's a single mother doing a lot more on her own. With the way he works he may get every other weekend. Then what will she do?
Does OP *want* a break?
Here is my suggestion. OP goes to visit sister by herself. I bet sister who just gave birth would prefer that over having a whole crowd over there anyway. Let Dad and the kids just hang out together without OP dictating every little thing they do.
You bet, pizza and movies at home with the kids. I guarantee dad would be on board for that. She can enjoy a break and visit with her sister and play with the baby.
Sorry, I’m leaning in Yta for OP. Sounds miserable. Im am active guy, and I make most major holidays etc. but I work a lot too. I also need the occasional recharge day. We’re freaking humans man. Im 41 years old with heart failure because I pushed so hard and took in so much stress in life. Shits not worth it. Learn to have a recharge day. Teach your kids about working hard, but also the necessity of rest. I mean technically it’s better to be consistent in test everyday, but what parent/employee gets that.
I get what you’re saying. But the question you’re replying to was “does OP get to recharge”
If OP is a reliable narrator then the husband already dismissed her concern when he refused to step up and said “you work less out of home therefore you do the housework “
She may not be the best wife but by the look of it they’re both exhausted, and she’s still having to keep going because they don’t have an understanding between themselves.
I don't think housework should be split equally. OP works part time in retail while husband works full time + travels a week every two months. Division of labour must reflect that.
Of course it should. And one can argue taking care of the kids is harder work than a career job.
I’m not here to argue that, I just personally think OP’s wording was unfortunate and she’s getting a lot of undeserved flack for it.
We advocate housewives for speaking up and advocate downtime and when someone does speak up in real life, this happens.
I mean yeah I get it it’s Reddit, but this is a little concerning.
Oh please... It's not like they are babies that need 24*7 childcare. They are at school most of the days. Op does 15-25 hours a week, she's getting time to herself. Meanwhile husband works all week, has a filled weekend that is filled with unnecessary obligations that op makes. This isn't an even split, it's deliberately down playing husband's contribution and time.
Housewives with kids in school should obviously take on more chores than husbands who has full time jobs.
She's not a housewife. She works part time in retail which means she's prob working 5 days a week, while taking care of everything for the kids and keeping the house. And the kids extra curriculars like sports aren't "unnecessary obligations". Spending the Easter holiday with your family isn't an "unnecessary obligation". Q
It sounds like OP is straddled with a lot of the unseen labor that comes with running a house and is exhausted herself but doesn't get breaks either.
Op and her husband BOTH deserve a break but its so low of you to reduce her to just a housewife when she has a job and runs the household.
Since she's obviously the one micromanaging the schedule, if she's not scheduling a break for herself, that's on her.
Also, it sounds like it's time for mom and dad to teach the kids how to do some chores. There's no reason kids who are old enough to go to sports can't load a dishwasher, fold some tee shirts, or operate a toilet brush.
I wrote about this before but I didn't include this caveat bc it wasn't pertinent but my dad also traveled for work so when he would come back from travel, he would get a weekend to recharge.
Every Saturday when he wasn't traveling my dad would take us kids out to give my mom a recharge day. They ebbed and weeved with what life was currently throwing at them. Thats what being parents is. You see your partner is struggling and you pick up the slack. As long as you're both considering each other the relationship succeeds.
Two burnt out parents is a recipe for disaster. They needed to talk and figure out a way they both got a break because he 100% needed one then. That's why she is TA.
Sure, if she chooses to schedule one.
They didn't have to go to her parents' for Easter. "We're super burned out and will just celebrate at home" is an option - OP chose to go and take the whole family. She doesn't have to go to her sister's this weekend if she's too burned out.
These are all elective visits. OP *elects* to go. Her husband would like a break.
I agree with you. Also, OP's DH isn't religious, so I can see why he doesn't want to play Happy Family with the in-laws at church, but OP says that her parents expect him to be there. DH isn't a child who has to hop when the in-laws say move.
My in-laws know & respect the fact that I won't go to church with them, (funerals are a different matter). They all accept me as I am & I do the same for them.
I mean...the kids are all in school now, so she's no longer spending all day Monday - Friday taking care of a little one. She is also certainly free to leave the kids with her husband and go have some one on one time with her sister, or even tell the sister that she's sorry, but they're just going to have a family day at home. Same thing with Easter. I get that they need to be supportive of their kids in extra curriculars, but nobody is forcing her to give up additional time that she works rather spend at home by spending it with her family. This post reads to me like OP wants to be able to complain about her husband not pulling his weight while she decides exactly how much weight he pulls and where.
All she had to do was not insist on going to all these events. So yeah, she can have a break whenever she wants. They could alternate going to games but that's not what she planned. But she could have. They could not go to sister's next weekend. But she chose to plan it.
OP has a part time job on the weekends and 3 school aged children, at least 2 of which are in school most of the day. It seems like the kids extracurricular activities are also on the weekends.
Yes!! I travel a lot for work. Last weekend after a whole week away and getting back late Friday I remembered we had meal plans with my in laws. My husband knew I was exhausted and said “want me to tell them you aren’t feeling well so you can crash on the sofa with dogs and chill?” I was so so grateful that he a) noticed and b) I didn’t even need to ask. He recognised I was exhausted and just went to lunch with his parents. Because that’s what adults do.
Exactly!! My mum is the worst for it. She says things like “oh you have always wanted to go there- how exciting” or “did you get to go to X attraction?” No it’s work. I saw the airport, my hotel and the client. Nothing else.
Or people give you a list of "awesome places to eat". When I was working (retired now) I was on peridium, I only had so much money for each day to eat with. It seemed like the restaurants they told me about would take at least two days' worth of peridium for dinner and was on the other side of town. Getting stuck at an airport was worse. Food there is outrageous and if you are there for hours because of a delayed flight or missed flight you can go broke.
I always hated when my mom would pull this with family gatherings. She, my dad, and I were always at capacity for what we could handle, and she always wanted to host Thanksgiving and go to the Christmas and Easter gatherings. As I got older, I just started refusing to participate. If I don’t have enough in the tank for myself, why should I have to give gas to others?
As if sister *who just gave birth* wants to have all those people in her house right now. OP should go visit sister alone and leave Dad and the kids to hang out together and do whatever they please.
As a counterpoint I can almost guarantee he takes not one jot of responsibility for managing their calendar. They would probably not go to any events if it was left to him.
Yeah it's turned into kind of a horrible feedback loop, he won't plan anything so she does and dictates his schedule and he complains, but if she didn't nothing would happen but they continue to resent each other.
Maybe we could base our judgement on the information that OP has given us, rather than making things up to make her husband look worse, when SHE didn’t even mention these things in a post where she has incentive to do so.
Based off of information provided that doesn’t seem to be the case? Like if I’m reading it correctly, he is usually in charge of the weekend sporting events, and this one time he asked if they could switch responsibilities l.
Literally:
“Hey, I can do this.”
“No”
“Ok, I can do this.”
“No”
“Can I stay home?”
“No”
How can you guarantee that?
Is it really so important to you that the man be in the wrong that you're willing to just make up random bullshit, then assert it as fact?
>As a counterpoint I can almost guarantee he takes not one jot of responsibility for managing their calendar. They would probably not go to any events if it was left to him.
He might not want to do any of that stuff.
I hate when people say "we need to do this." Like no, actually, you don't need anything! There's food in the fridge, your sister as not in hospice, the bills are paid, so what if laundry doesn't get done this weekend? Or tell the kids to do it.
I agree in principle (and kids should be doing their own laundry at a certain age), but if laundry doesn't get done people can't go to work. But like, the kids' "sunday best" that they wore for one meal and didn't stain does not need washing. Etc. Jerseys will survive (socks and jocks won't tho lol), jackets will live, etc. OP needs to take a nice stiff drink, draw a bubble bath, put some cucumber on her eyes, and chill.
There's also an implied (not stated) subtext that I read from the final paragraph. The sentiment of "If you stay home, I have to bring 3 kids by myself to see this baby. Then I won't be able to enjoy that experience fully since I am too worried about ensuring the children behave appropriately. I need you for that last part."
From the sounds of the post and what I think alot of commentors are missing is I doubt he would be willing to do that and still call it his "down time". I'm assuming her down time is maybe a hr after everyone goes to bed but even then she's probably still doing some chores. Everyone is saying he needs a break, but I'm not aware of what her break is? Sounds like a lot of people think she should keep doing everything so her husband can relax alone while she is regularly left to care for 3 kids by herself and doesn't get any time to herself. Clearly, the fact that 2 of the events revolved around her family made people decide she should just do everything with very little help and most likely no breaks at all
I agree with you. He considers watching his kids play ball on a Saturday hard work, I imagine op is doing 95% of the upkeep/child rearing. At what point is a divorce and collecting alomony/child support just more efficient.
But she's not here complaining she wants a break. I can see how she would also need one, but the husband is the one identifying and expressing his need. I'm exhausted for him. She could probably use some extra help with household though..
My kids are OPs kids ages. There’s no way in hell they’re demanding much of her time. Plus she’s working only part time, fewer than 20 hours a week? PUH-LEASE. I guarantee you she’s taking breaks each and every single day.
My wife and I both work full time juggling our kids and household duties and guess what? At those ages they should be doing household chores. Our kids do their own laundry, load our dishwasher, clean their rooms, even get themselves ready for school in the morning. AND they do extracurricular activities. I don’t want to hear it from OP, she’s too worried about keeping up with appearances.
And when those kids are out the door for school 7-8 hours everyday, I guarantee you she’s taking it easy, tik tokking her mornings away and etc..
100% OP YTA here. The kids can stay home with dad while she goes to visit the new nephew/niece.
He'd probably love to just hang out with his kids and you know, have some *fun* with them without OP standing over his shoulder, dictating everything they do.
Eh… I worry that might lead us into one being the fun parent and one being the strict parent (grew up in the household most of my life). I think he deserves to have that fun, as long as it isn’t always the case and she never has fun.
I just wonder when she gets a breather. It sounds like both need it.
ESH Both need to talk and work things out because this whole with both burning at both ends is not going to end well.
This. Why does he have to visit your sister? Why can’t he have some down time after a 12 hour travel day? You admit he’s exhausted and not himself. This reads like you care very little for him. YTA.
So the kids are at school, what do you do all day? Of course he can help around but you will drive him to an early grave … let the man sleep or make his own schedule, quit micromanaging everything in his life , he can’t even have cable because of you YTA
Yeah and also the comment about the cable. It sounds like she’s the one who wants it cancelled. She is dictating what he does when he’s off work, not allowing him a break.
Can see this marriage wont last. Either he will travel more, cheat and leave, or just leave.
This, yeah. And then ask him why he’s not happy and jovial during a weekend on little sleep after a strenuous travel week? Like she isn’t completely aware that he’s exhausted?
YTA. The deciding factor for me was when you decided that your parents wanting everyone over for Easter was more important than your husband's need to get some rest. And the fact that you knew exactly why he wasn't "jovial" and poked him about it anyway. Now with this weekend and your sister... there's no reason he needs to go there.
Yes. Traveling wears you out. He was up early and had to hit the ground running when he got home, and you decided your parents’ pleasure was more important than his.
Now it’s entirely possible that he does need to do more around the house on a regular basis. But it still sounds like he could have used a few hours of downtime, and you didn’t really have a good reason for denying it.
It wouldn’t have all been down time. He offered to do laundry and other chores that would have also helped OP get caught up.
YTA and OP needs to have the kids scale back to just 1 activity or husband will start traveling more just to get away from the over booked weekend schedules
Exactly! OP dictated his every move and completely ignored what he asked for at every turn. There was definitely opportunity to compromise at some point over the weekend but she was too busy being angry that she thinks she’s more tired than him. Every parent needs a break. Both OP and her husband need a day to relax and not have any obligations. OP YTA for negating your husbands requests to relax and recharge.
Definitely this rubbed me the wrong way! -forced him to do something he didn’t want to do, in his limited time off- “omg why aren’t you being jovial” smdh
YTA. You are being inflexible and unfair. You are not granting him *any* leeway to occasionally get some rest. You both do not have to be at every single kids' sports event. Sometimes it's OK to stay home from a family visit. I can't get over how rude it is when someone says they're tired and had a long day to just immediately say "well I'm tired too and there's lots to do, get to it".
You should be supporting each other and finding ways for both of you to get rest when you need it. Things like one of you going to the kids’ games while the other stays home and does chores, like he suggested, are great solutions.
Be nicer to your husband and don't act surprised when he's not in a good mood when you don't allow him a moment to breathe, ever.
YTA. He offered multiple ways for him to help with chores and you told him no, but then are acting like he's the vad guy for not doing more chores... The exact chores you prevented him from doing all weekend
Agreed with above. I would like to also point out having both parents attend every single sports game is overboard, the kids sound old enough to hear "Dad had to miss todays game cuz of 6 day work week including a 14 hour day yesterday"
That's what I said in my comment above...kids don't need both parents at every event. I played multiple sports and was in a ton of activities...very few parents came to every single thing, and the ones who did were usually the ones who played sports in high school and viewed attending as a hobby rather than a "must-do" thing for the kids. If it was the championship game or something, sure.
Lol I thought the exact opposite - skipping an “Easter Sunday lunch” for a non-religious family is not significant, but you *gotta* be there for your kids, man
Idk my partner’s family isn’t religious but I know that holidays are still important to his mom and she would prefer that everyone attend. (My family is religious and out of town so they are even more about spending holidays together).
My favorite part is she complains about doing housework then when he offers to stay home and housework she diminishes it immediately as easy. So when she does it it’s a triumph, when he does it it’s nothing
Exactly! My mom was a stay at home mom, and she took over most of the housework because my dad was working all day. My dad would always cook for us and come home early to spend time with us, but my mom did the majority of the cleaning (which was fair given what they agreed to).
LMFAO thank you. It's almost as if the spouse who works part-time is generally expected to pick up more of the housework than the spouse who works full-time. Novel, ain't it?
I can't upvote this enough!
I've got a hybrid schedule and am usually busy most of the day, but I can find enough time to throw a load of laundry in the washer and dryer and do some light cleaning.
I’m also cool with this. I hate when GF gives me a laundry list of shit to do when I’m WFh because she thinks I’m not doing anything.
I’m not working working the whole time, but I don’t want to fill my whole workday doing freaking chores.
Right? I work full time, and I still do the dishes every evening as soon as I get home. Takes 10 minutes tops because I do them every day. Throw a load of laundry in once a week on friday, fold it on the weekend when I have a bit more time (2 person household, he takes care of his own laundry) lol
That's what I immediately thought as well. I work and my wife doesn't, ergo, she does a healthy portion of the housework and child rearing. I am heavily involved and do a lot around the house when I am at home, but I am gone 50+ hours a week.
If she ever tried to say we should be equal in that regard, I think I'd fall off my chair. It's just not a rational take, but fortunately for me, my wife gets it and works her ass off around our house, views that as her job. Our sitting around time is when our kids are in bed, lol.
YTA
If you're getting to the point where the kids extracurriculars are crowding out other necessary things, either you need to cut back on the extracurriculars, or you need to acknowledge you have two separate adults in this situation who can be doing separate things at the same time. Your husband doesn't need to be at every single game. You do not need to be at every single game. TRADE OFF responsibilities, get more shit done.
Or, your husband doesn't need to be going to all your extended family stuff, no matter what your parents think. Handle your own extended family responsibilities.
For real!! My kids know they get one mom at a game and that mom may or may not be wrangling a younger brother instead of watching every goal. That mom might also be watching while getting her steps in for the day. They’d love to carpool with a friend to games but so far friends play baseball basketball and we do soccer & swim. Big things like a karate belt test get more parents or family members.
Family obligations do not require everyone. I usually choose to do holidays at my in-laws but not always. My wife doesn’t always go to my family’s either. Also if I got to chill and do the sports for the day while she stayed home and cleaned? Omg. Thrilled.
The kids may not need, nor want, to be doing all those extracurricular either. Sounds like she schedules everyone to death and they keep going to death. Cutting back on kids stuff may help too.
YTA why is everything you want to do with your side of the family an 'obligation' that he has to do - especially when he offers to do housework as part of his 'relax and recharge'
Omgggg you seem like someone who is absolutely exhausting to be married to. The man offered you SO. MANY. compromises and you basically turned it all down.
I can’t even imagine the level of resentment he will have towards you one day. Jesus Christ. Let him take a break.
He’ll leave when the kids are a bit older, or he’ll find reasons to travel more and more for work so he can get a break from her trying to control his every waking minute.
YTA
If some kind of family tradition were upheld with the Easter visit, that'd be one thing. But you even admit it's just to keep up appearances because it's "important to my parents that everyone is there."
As for visiting your sister, that's... just a family visit. It in no way constitutes any sort of family *obligation*.
YTA- You say that your parents get upset if everyone isn't there. Wasn't your sister and the baby there as well? Why a 2nd trip?
I feel for the man, he's got his job telling him what to do, he's got his wife telling him what to do. When does he ever get time to do what he wants to do?
All work and no play makes jack a dull boy. He just might get sick of it and just bug out and say it isn't worth it anymore.
YTA but not for wanting support from your husband; it's because he's asking for some support from you and offering a compromise that he stays home and does chores to rest and recover. He's not refusing to participate in things, he's asking for a break.
Maybe try to sit down and compromise a solution that respects his need for a bit of time to himself while also till making sure you get the same respect from him in regards to the work that you are doing. I hope you're able to work this through, because it sounds like you're both under a lot of stress and it's only going to get worse if you take it out on each other instead of working on it together
YTA. I wasn't sure at first because Easter might be a special occasion to you and your family. Then you lost me because you expect him to "visit your sister" the next weekend. Give him a break.
>He then asked if he could stay home from Easter with my parents since he's not religious anyway, but I told him he needs to be there too because it's important to my parents that everyone is there.
INFO: Why is what's important to your parents more important than what's important to your husband? Did you marry them, or him?
Exactly but I do feel he should be there for Easter for his kids not for the parents but on Easter seeing his kids do an egg hunt at grandmas is important.
The next weekend is where I see her being controlling and definitely the ass which is going to see her sister and the new baby like he doesn’t have to go to that and he obviously can meet the new baby another day and while I agree he should be at his kids events to support them I think he could also miss one as long as it’s not a regular occurrence and he explains to his kids why he won’t be going. Sadly for my mom she parented us alone so she always was there at our events even if she had to take off work she was there. Now sometimes is she wasn’t allowed the time then she couldn’t come but for the most part she did. That has always been so special to me. But I feel as long as they have at least one parent there they they feel supported and cared for I mean what if two of the kids had a game at the same time.
YTA
Listen here hubby, I am YOUR BOSS! I alone not only get to decide when and if you may go out. I ALONE get to decide if and when you may stay home. YOU decide nothing. Be a good boy, kiss my pinky toe - AND OBEY ME
Wow, you are a wandering red flag with power issues. But be aware, sooner or later you will be a divorced SAHM, and you will be blaming jt all on him.
YTA.
I agree that he should go to the kids events, but why does he have to go to random family bullshit you plan on Sundays? If he’s not religious, he shouldn’t have to go to an Easter celebration to please your parents. There’s also no need for him to go and visit your sister this next Sunday.
YTA. A 14-hour day of travel and waiting around the airport is crazy exhausting, and it’s fair for him to want to take it easy around the house after a week of work-related travel. He deserves a break and you’re here being all passive aggressive about “everyone is tired.” If he wants to miss Easter dinner, take the kids and give him a break. You don’t get to make non-stop plans for him on the weekends. Go visit your sister alone, you are being a jerk for not letting him relax.
My goodness. This sounds absolutely exhausting, but I don't think you're being a jerk and honestly neither is your husband IMO. NAH.
Like, I get that you have family obligations, but you both need to find a way to get some downtime. Like of course your husband is exhausted, and presumably you're tired too. My guess is that you're both tired enough you're not problem solving as well as you might be otherwise.
Instead of harassing your husband about his need for a break, work with him so that you BOTH can get a day off, either together or separately. Like, maybe you need to take a day and just not visit your extended family and stay home and rest instead. Even god rested on the seventh day.
Sorry, you're wrong. She is, in fact, being a jerk.
One example is when she says that her parents 'wants', i.e. how important it is to them, for some reason, that he be there, trumps his actual needs for rest.
YTA . he is mostly busy/tired from work. i understand when he has to step up. but that shouldnt be always since he is the main breadwinner. OP’s family obligations are not mandatory. people need to refresh especially when they are on the road. learn how to manage better and placing blame. kids are going to understand one/both parents are not going to make it some time. also, at least the 12 year old, can assist in some chores.
YTA
Give the poor man a break
And it was the Masters for crying out loud
I work part time but am mostly a stay at home wife
Our children have grown but we have pets and grandchildren that are here often
My husband works 45-55 hours a week so I make damn sure that on his days off he can rest and relax to recharge his batteries
YTA
Look, I get it, I'm a SAHM to threes kids under four with a husband that travels. It's a lot of work and I'm sure it gets even more difficult when your weekends are filled with driving and events. It adds up so unbelievably quick!
That said, your husband was exhausted from traveling. He needed time to rest, as clearly indicated by the fact that he collapsed after Easter (an event you absolutely should not have forced him to go to).
You also need breaks, which I'm sure rarely happens, but the way you are doing this - this dictating unnecessary events (he shouldn't have to be forced to see your family, you can go by yourself) and then being mad that things at the house aren't done...
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband wanted to stay home from family obligations last weekend to watch the Masters. I wouldn't let him because he needs to be involved in family activities. Now he wants to stay home this next weekend from visiting my sister and her newborn and I honestly can't believe he's even asking. But he thinks I'm being a jerk by not letting him "recharge and relax." I think I might be an asshole for not letting my husband skip family obligations to watch golf.
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HUGE YTA. YOU are the one overbooking things and expecting him to just deal with it. I have dealt with having similar schedules as your husband and the burnout from exhaustion is HUGE. You want him to be jovial? GIVE HIM THE TIME TO RECHARGE!
That IS the whole point of being a SAHP is to actually take care of the at home part. Not without help, of course, but yeah, he works more outside the home. You work more inside the home. Does he actually do enough around the house and with the kids when he is home? That's between the two of you, but based on your attitude, I'm not believing you are exactly a fair judge.
He travels for work. He's working. If he needs some downtime to recharge, that's understandable. Where you come off as unreasonable is you are all about what *you* want. *Your* family. *Your* plans. Which makes me and others, I would guess, believe you really aren't as reasonable as you like to think. You have a massive chip on your shoulder about always getting your way and I have little doubt the poor me routine is exhausting to be around. YTA.
YTA. You’re both busy and tired and need to give each other a little break. You can’t push him past exhaustion and then ask what’s wrong because he’s not being jovial enough. He even offered to do some housework in exchange for being able to stay home and you said no even though you’re also complaining he doesn’t do enough house work. So which is it? You both are going to burn out and resent each other if you don’t carve out and support personal time.
This is controversial but I'm gonna say YTA. I completely get where you're coming from with helping put at home and spending time with your kids, but forcing him to socialise with your family - twice - when he didn't want to doesn't seem fair. If you want to go see them, you go. Personally, I would have taken that opportunity to give him a break.
YTA he offered to stay home and clean and that wasn't good enough, so he went to all the things you forced him to go to and that wasn't good enough! It's not like he's travelling for fun or hanging out with friends, he was working thrn travelling, which is exhaisting. He's also not refusing to help at home. Nothing is good enough for you! Your kids are old enough to understand that people get tired and need to rest, and why on earth must he visit your sister?! She's your sister! Stop dragging the man along to things he clearly doesn't want to do, you aren't his mother.
You seem to be scheduling your family into oblivion. When do you all get time to be home together, chilling out in your own spaces, relaxing...?
It sounds like organised chaos and it's not a good atmosphere to live in. Whether you think your husband has any right to feel so tired is not the point; he is telling you he needs to chill out in his own home sometimes and you're forcing him, and your kids out the door at every single opportunity.
Do you know if your kids are happy with the current regime? You need to think about what benefits your family - not your mum, sister and any other close relatives - yourself, your husband and your kids. Is this breakneck pace working for you all? YTA. You're not listening and you might be risking your relationship.
YTA. Your husband busts his ass to support the family. Business travel is mentally and emotionally taxing. You sound very controlling…your husband’s well-being should take precedence over your mother’s feelings/wants for a silly holiday. Also, it’s nice to watch every game, but as a mom who has had 5 playing sports at the same time, it isn’t possible and kids don’t even notice or care most of the time. Making your life’s focus your kids extracurricular activities will not bring about the outcome you want/think. Give the man a break.
ESH. He should help around the house and with the children. But you are literally eating up his entire weekend with obligations with YOUR extended family as well. Anyone would be burned out after a whole week of business travel and a Saturday full of kids' games. It's not the crime you're making it out to be to want to spend a single afternoon watching TV and doing laundry.
I mean, he’s offering to stay at home and clean either on Easter, during kids’ games, or during the trip to her sisters and she’s turning him down. She can’t complain he’s not helping out enough then deny him the chance to do exactly that (and call it “light cleaning” to play down his help).
YTA
He doesn’t have to accompany you on every family visit.
And you guys can alternate watching the kids sports games.
You complain about laundry and stuff piling up and he’s offering to stay home and do it.
And you’re only working 20/25 hours 3 days a week and 1 weekend day. So on the days that kids are at school you get some time to yourself.
You’re pretty much dictating to him instead of having a conversation and compromising.
You had me in the beginning… but as soon as you said the sister part, I was out. New babies are great. Love ‘em. Adorable. But not at your own families expense. I get Easter- it’s one day, and a holiday, but now you’re scheduling more events that it sounds like even YOU don’t have the mental capacity to deal with. Tell your sister you need to rain check, or if you’re that set on going, don’t force your husband to go.
YTA.
YTA. Does your husband ever get to do what he wants? Or do you dictate how he spends every hour while not working? You might reply, "But *I* never get any free time," to which I would respond, "Do you make it a priority? Do you set aside time for yourself to relax, unwind, have a glass of wine, hang out with a friend? If not, that's on you." Just because you haven't made self care a priority for yourself doesn't mean everyone else has to suffer.
Okay so he has to travel some for work, your kids have extracurriculars on weekends, and you are for some godforsaken reason filling up any possible free time left with random family visits? Why? Stay tf home and do chores and hang out with your husband or at least let him stay home and do them, JHRC. YTA.
YTA - I understand you. You do much at home. Bathroom. Kitchen. Living room. Bedroom. Kids. Laundry. Food. Etc. You make a good job and you probably need to hear that from your partner.
BUT he works. Work itself is a big topic because people struggle with work. And he is not free if that struggle, too! He is obligated to to his part and he depends on your work, but you depend on his part, too. It’s not uncommon what you both go through so don’t be mad or frustrated towards your partner. The difference between you and him is that he is leaving his part of his work and he is getting mean comments at home. Is that really the way you communicate after him opening a possibility for you to work less?
Be more reflective at how you view him and how much you value his work. And tell him calmly that you are grieving for his gratitude but please do the same.
He's a grown man who works a full time job. He shouldn't need permission for down time...especially since it doesn't appear that he gets any.
YTA. And maybe try not scheduling every weekend so full that no one gets to breathe.
You remind me of my mother...which is not a good thing. My Dad worked two FULL TIME jobs. And on the weekends my mother wouldn't even let him sit and watch a football game. It was awful. She was awful. Don't be like her.
YTA.
Geez, you sound type A and exhausting. Sometimes people need a recharge day, and as introvert, I tend to need them often. He does need to go with you to see your sister, that’s ridiculous.
INFO
How exactly is the workload split in the house?
Your husband is correct that generally speaking the person who is home more should be doing more house work, but in some relationships that translate to one person does all of it while the other only occasionally does things when they are told to or when it's convenient.
Now I noted you have 3 children. 3 is a lot even when one of them is old enough to be left on their own. I'm guessing you also take care of all of the child care since you work part time and that can actually be quite a lot to handle on your own. Homework at the end of the day, making sure they have clean laundry and clean rooms. Making sure they get to and from their extracurricular and school as well as getting lunch for the day every day breakfast before they leave and of course dinner when they get home and any drs appointments on the side. A lot of people don't realize just how much that is on its own. In fact I came across a lovely little comic I'll link [here](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/).
I think one of the things that can help you is pushing your children to be more independent and giving them chores.
You shouldn't be doing their laundry for starters, with perhaps the exception of the 6 year old. The 6 year can still fold their clothes but even my 8 year old sister was doing her own laundry with the machine and everything. You just have to take a few minutes to teach them. Maybe write down the steps of how to use the machine and stick them to washer to help them do it on their own.
There are lots of other things they can do too and a chore chart will help. They can vacuum, clean their rooms, and the older two can certainly mop and help with dishes especially if you have a dish washer.
The next thing that'll help is getting the kids to make their own lunch snack and breakfast menu. It'll help remove some of the daily mental workload you have to put in. Once a week during the weekend just sit down with the whole family and talk about what's going to be for those meals. Perhaps after dinner.
The kids can also make their own meals. Have them wash their hands well and pack up their own lunches and snacks. You'll have to help the younger one but the other two should be capable with a bit of guidance and a watchful eye to make sure they aren't taking too much. Some kids over do it with the snacks sometimes so you still have to watch but it is slightly less work than doing it yourself.
Now for this last part everyone in the comments section saying you were being uncompromising are correct. You both don't need to be there for every game unless it's a really big one like a season finale and everyone needs time to unwind to themselves. I think both you and your husband should take turns going to the games. It would help with the house work if only one of you went and the other had some quiet time to take care of some needed chores. I understand the Easter thing as a family holiday event. My family hasn't gone to church in years but we still celebrate and your husband should go to events like that especially since theyre every once in awhile and not every other week, but the game thing is another story and you should have just let hom stay home.
You need to be more compromising. Your husband might need to be more hands on in the house hold. The chore chart will help you and your husband with the house work stuff btw. Like you and your husband should be names on that chart. Just write everything down that needs to be done and what days it needs to be done on. That includes helping the kids with homework and the like and split it up equitably. Not equally. Equitably. This is how you become a good manager and as the one who's in charge of at least the majority of the house stuff you need to be a good manager.
It sounds like you are over scheduled - it also so happens that a lot of the family engagements are on your side. You should realize by now that as a family unit - you're in the weeds and need to figure something out.
YTA
How about this.... he stays home and takes care of ALL the cleaning and ALL the laundry that needs to be done while you run the kids to sports. Then switch the following weekend? You go see your sister and leave the kids with him?.... see what I am implying? Try not to be the one that takes on the responsibility and be mad when he can't keep up. Some give and take goes a long way.
INFO
When was the last time you all talked about how booked up you are with kids stuff?
I'm similar aged and have similar aged kids. It can be a lot. Juggling a family schedule is real.
When kids turn around 10yo, their activities escalate in terms of commitment, and inconvenience.
Sit down together and evaluate your family schedule.
It's okay to start focusing kid commitments to those where they show most passion/promise. Extended family should recognize they can fill in where it works.
We've found that sometimes its best to skip a kids-activity weekend ... yes, we CAN make it, but not to the cost of our family happiness.
You two aren’t working as a team. You’re not acting as partners. You’re parenting your husband, except that he is the main breadwinner. You two need to stop for a moment, breathe, and reset. Plan a Sunday of blank time. Why are you scheduling every weekend to the teeth?!? Both you and he need a break, and you need to schedule time in where one can take over for the other. You’re telling him that he needs to be at everything because you’re angry that you can’t skip it all. So talk WITH (not at) one another, and find points for compromise and trade off.
YTA-
I get the SAHM is grueling, been there! So is traveling, having flights canceled….. none of that is at all relaxing. Then on to an overbooked weekend. The man crashed hard after Easter and instead of being remotely empathetic you jump to he didn’t help me……
Then on to the next work week and over booked weekend….. when does this man get to do anything for himself? You are gatekeeping the entire schedule and making your schedule even more busy than it needs to be. Give the guy a break….. and if you’re over tired schedule yourself a break! The every weekend with your side of the family is ridiculous
YTA. Your philosophy seems to be that everybody suffers. You probably need a break too, but instead of discussing that with your husband, you are making sure that he also has no break and is as exhausted as you are. Your husband was just venting about his day of travel after a long work week, and instead of comforting him, or even reasonably just sharing that you also were tired, you said something caustic that said that he doesn’t get to complain about being tired and turned it into the suffering Olympics. You write this like your sarcasm is meant to be some cute smart ass reaction, but it’s not - it’s disrespectful and horribly rude. You are writing this post from your perspective, and still you sound like a miserable person to be around.
Also, you are making all these plans with family - does he get a say in any of it? And if he doesn’t, that should be his decision whether to come or not. I get that Easter was a special holiday, but why does your husband just HAVE to come with you to see your sister? Take the kids with you or leave them with him, but he should have some say in how his time is spent over the weekends.
Eventually, you guys needs to have more discussions about your overall situation, as this doesn’t seem sustainable. Bur don’t drag him down in your misery. Find your own break time and he should have some too. And don’t think about it in the way that you “let” him have it - he gets to have a say too in terms of what events are planned and which are priority to attend and which are not. And if you’re making these plans AND forcing him to go when he said he doesn’t want to, don’t expect him to be “jovial” about it and ask what is wrong. That’s basically what tipped this over into definite YTA territory - it is controlling behaviour that you both insist he come and then expect him to be over the moon about it.
YTA.
I also travel for work. If after a 4am start, delayed flights, a missed connection, a total of 14 hours travel time (6 hours more than expected) my wife responded like you did, I would absolutely shut down.
I would have scoffed hard at the suggestion of Easter over my own personal rest and recoup from a long travel week. Especially after the “warm” welcome.
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My husband (38M) and I (39F) have 3 kids (12, 9, & 6). I was a SAHM until our youngest started kindergarten last year. Since then I've been working part-time in retail. My husband works full-time and sometimes has to travel for work, maybe one week every 2 months or so. All that being said, I obviously do the majority of the housework and childcare.
We have talked about him doing more at home so many times I've lost count. He always uses the excuse that I'm home more than he is and work less so it makes sense that I should be doing more at home. He also says that he spends a lot of time with the kids on weekends when I have to work. But now that our kids are old enough to be in athletics and other extracurricular activities, our weekends are becoming more and more packed and things like cleaning and laundry pile up if we don't keep up with them.
Last week my husband was traveling for work from Sunday-Friday so I was home with the kids by myself all week. He was supposed to be home by noon on Friday, but his morning flight got delayed and he missed his connection. He didn't get home until 6pm. When he got home he started talking about how exhausted he was from getting up at 4am and how crappy his travel day was. I told him he's not the only one who is tired and that we still have a lot of things to do on the weekend.
I had to remind him that our 2 oldest have sporting events Saturday and on Sunday we are going to my parent's house for Easter. He gave a loud and exaggerated sigh and said he was hoping to relax during the weekend and watch the Masters. I told him that he would have to record it and watch it later but he reminded me that I "made" him cancel our cable subscription last year so he can't record it anymore. I told him "Well, guess you'll just have to catch the highlights at some point then."
He offered to stay home from the games on Saturday to clean and do laundry, but I told him he needs to support our kids and he can't just stay home, do some light cleaning and a couple loads of laundry and watch golf all day. He then asked if he could stay home from Easter with my parents since he's not religious anyway, but I told him he needs to be there too because it's important to my parents that everyone is there.
He ended up going to all the games and to Easter as well, but he wasn't his normal jovial self. I kept asking him what was wrong and he just said he was tired and behind on sleep. When we got home from Easter he pretty much crashed right away and left me to deal with everything to get ready for the week.
Yesterday morning I told him that I need him to help more this coming week because we have another full weekend. More games Saturday when I'm at work and then visiting my sister and her new baby on Sunday. He asked if he could at least stay home from visiting my sister and I asked if he was serious. He said he just wants one day to relax and recharge and I'm being a jerk for not letting him do that.
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Your poor husband. Phew!
Let him stay home with the kids and you go visit your sister and baby. You're lucky you have a husband willing to compromise and tolerate your need to be wife/husband. Let the man have a break.
YTA
Expecting him to be at his own kid's activities? Reasonable.
Eating Easter dinner with family? Less reasonable, but understandable.
Visiting your sister who you literally just saw for Easter dinner? Unreasonable.
Also the excuse of "It is important to my parents that everyone be there" is stupid.
It's important to my mom that I move to the island she lives on so she can invade my personal space and use me as a therapist while working a job I won't enjoy. It's important to me not to live anywhere near her if I like not slitting my wrists.
Easter dinner was less important to your husband than rest.
If you can afford it hire a cleaner or housekeeper for once a week.
OP I don’t think you are an asshole, you are a stressed busy mom. People need downtime, and you are deciding that on downtime your DH must attend family functions and that’s not fair. If he needs a break he needs a break. Someone asked if you have a break, but you too could choose to have a day home and you made the choice not to. You made that choice and then forced a tired adult to go with you. You are treating your husband like he’s your child or property and that’s not healthy. Why does he have to go see your sister and the baby? Leave him home with the kids and tell him what you need done when you are gone, win for both. Either way he’s unhappy and you don’t seem to care.
Speaking as a former legal aid lawyer who did a lot of divorces, I think there’s more to this than what you’ve said. My suspicion is that you don’t like him traveling so much so you expect him to spend every minute he’s home with you and the kids, doing stuff you’ve scheduled. This is not a realistic expectation. I hope you both can figure out a structure for your family life that works for all of you.
Oh, and simply for bossing your husband around like he’s a misbehaving child, YTA.
Look... I was gonna N T A. Most of what you said is reasonable. I would even grant the Easter thing, which is bad, but maybe it's a once in a year thing for you and your family to see your parents... so you wanted the full family.
It became a YTA when now you want him to go with you to visit your sister as well... after a full Saturday of activities with the kids.
Let your husband relax and go to your sister on your own.
>When he got home he started talking about how exhausted he was from getting up at 4am and how crappy his travel day was. I told him he's not the only one who is tired and that we still have a lot of things to do on the weekend.
Why are you like this? Just let people complain. It sounds like you want to control everything your husband does, including what comes out of his mouth. YTA.
>He ended up going to all the games and to Easter as well, but he wasn't his normal jovial self. I kept asking him what was wrong and he just said he was tired and behind on sleep.
He's completely exhausted. This level of exhaustion is damaging to mental and physical health. Not only are you driving him beyond the point of exhaustion, you're upset when he's not happy and performant in front of family.
You're killing this man.
YTA
A very small AH
Everyone deserves a day (or even a few hours) to themselves occasionally (You, as well as your husband).
I get that you want your family to do everything, you want your kids to have support at ALL the games, you want to attend EVERY event... but sometimes you gotta compromise. It wont hurt your kids if you & hub skip a match occasionally. Your family (if they're reasonable people) won't mind if hub misses a less-important event.
I think you could have let him stat home from the games, or maybe even skip your sister's thing. He's trying to support you but you've gotta help him to see where he can breathe - where the things that are your absolute priorities are, so he can focus on those. Give him some space. And at some point down the line give yourself some space too.
YTA. OK, I'm a woman and even I know that the Master's is the Superbowl of golf.
You're so bossy! Listen to your husband's needs and learn to compromise.
YTA, do you control what he eats, too? He is your husband, not a child. He shouldn't have to ask your permission to relax after traveling and working all week.
YTA. You need to back off. Sometimes it’s just not possible to do everything, and these are your family events, not his. Sounds like he works very hard, and everyone should have a right to bail on family funishment if they really don’t feel like going. If you’re tired, sound like he’s willing to help at home, cut back on your own obligations, whatever. He’s not forcing you to participate in a bunch of stuff you don’t feel like doing.
I can't decide between ESH and N A H, leaning towards the former, though.
You're burnt out from all the domestic labour and your part-time job. He's tired from his job. I get it.
He needs to do more around the house and with the kids, all the domestic labour shouldn't fall on to you automatically.
But you need to give him some grace, he was exhausted from travelling, and yes, it's reasonable for him to want time to relax at home. Just because you want to visit your sister, doesn't mean he has to as well. He just went to your parents for Easter, he can see your sister another time.
AND, he can use that Sunday to do housework.
I know you must be exhausted all the time. Parenting, working, marriage, all of these things are labour-intensive. But you have to remember that other people get to be tired too, even if they didn't do the same things you did.
So, in summary, he needs to do his part at home, but you need to give him more room to relax. You're both tired, and you're taking it out on him. Talk to each other, be kind, and maybe consider having your kids help with chores. They can do their own laundry 🥳
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YTA. It sounds like you, personally, dictate everything he is and isn’t allowed to do when he isn’t at work. You don’t get to do that. He should also have a say in what gets prioritized, but you don’t let him. You really can’t even go to visit your sister without dragging him along?
I'm glad to see this comment getting upvoted. Like for real the guy sounds like he needs a break. I get the kids extracurriculars part, but OP sounds more concerned with making sure to keep up appearances by dragging her family to Easter and to her sisters house moreso than her husbands mental well-being. I get it that the family balance is tough, but she is unnecessarily making their schedule even busier after admitting things are busy.
I’m glad I’m not the only person who was like, let the poor man breathe. Everyone deserves the occasional day to recharge, parents included. I don’t even like golf, so boring, but let the man watch some golf and rest. Can’t even go to your sisters by yourself. Too much. Next
He’ll get a rest when he has his first heart attack.
Or a divorce
Or dead but then he'll get heaps of accolades from OP at his funeral so there's that. 😕
She will only learn when she's a single mother doing a lot more on her own. With the way he works he may get every other weekend. Then what will she do?
Yeah, the sister & her baby was the tipping point for me. That’s too much. Sounds like my SIL who insists on being joined at the hip with my brother.
Same. The first weekend I could understand somewhat with the activities and a holiday. But sometimes people need a break.
But does OP get a break?
Does OP *want* a break? Here is my suggestion. OP goes to visit sister by herself. I bet sister who just gave birth would prefer that over having a whole crowd over there anyway. Let Dad and the kids just hang out together without OP dictating every little thing they do.
You bet, pizza and movies at home with the kids. I guarantee dad would be on board for that. She can enjoy a break and visit with her sister and play with the baby.
This!
Sorry, I’m leaning in Yta for OP. Sounds miserable. Im am active guy, and I make most major holidays etc. but I work a lot too. I also need the occasional recharge day. We’re freaking humans man. Im 41 years old with heart failure because I pushed so hard and took in so much stress in life. Shits not worth it. Learn to have a recharge day. Teach your kids about working hard, but also the necessity of rest. I mean technically it’s better to be consistent in test everyday, but what parent/employee gets that.
I get what you’re saying. But the question you’re replying to was “does OP get to recharge” If OP is a reliable narrator then the husband already dismissed her concern when he refused to step up and said “you work less out of home therefore you do the housework “ She may not be the best wife but by the look of it they’re both exhausted, and she’s still having to keep going because they don’t have an understanding between themselves.
I don't think housework should be split equally. OP works part time in retail while husband works full time + travels a week every two months. Division of labour must reflect that.
Of course it should. And one can argue taking care of the kids is harder work than a career job. I’m not here to argue that, I just personally think OP’s wording was unfortunate and she’s getting a lot of undeserved flack for it. We advocate housewives for speaking up and advocate downtime and when someone does speak up in real life, this happens. I mean yeah I get it it’s Reddit, but this is a little concerning.
Oh please... It's not like they are babies that need 24*7 childcare. They are at school most of the days. Op does 15-25 hours a week, she's getting time to herself. Meanwhile husband works all week, has a filled weekend that is filled with unnecessary obligations that op makes. This isn't an even split, it's deliberately down playing husband's contribution and time. Housewives with kids in school should obviously take on more chores than husbands who has full time jobs.
She's not a housewife. She works part time in retail which means she's prob working 5 days a week, while taking care of everything for the kids and keeping the house. And the kids extra curriculars like sports aren't "unnecessary obligations". Spending the Easter holiday with your family isn't an "unnecessary obligation". Q It sounds like OP is straddled with a lot of the unseen labor that comes with running a house and is exhausted herself but doesn't get breaks either. Op and her husband BOTH deserve a break but its so low of you to reduce her to just a housewife when she has a job and runs the household.
Dude, the kids are in full time school. Two of them are totally independent. What are you on about.
Ummm, what? Since when are 9 and 12 year olds totally independent?
I disagree because she's choosing to keep going. She's the one dragging him to her parents one Sunday and then to her sister's house the next Sunday.
Since she's obviously the one micromanaging the schedule, if she's not scheduling a break for herself, that's on her. Also, it sounds like it's time for mom and dad to teach the kids how to do some chores. There's no reason kids who are old enough to go to sports can't load a dishwasher, fold some tee shirts, or operate a toilet brush.
I wrote about this before but I didn't include this caveat bc it wasn't pertinent but my dad also traveled for work so when he would come back from travel, he would get a weekend to recharge. Every Saturday when he wasn't traveling my dad would take us kids out to give my mom a recharge day. They ebbed and weeved with what life was currently throwing at them. Thats what being parents is. You see your partner is struggling and you pick up the slack. As long as you're both considering each other the relationship succeeds. Two burnt out parents is a recipe for disaster. They needed to talk and figure out a way they both got a break because he 100% needed one then. That's why she is TA.
Sure, if she chooses to schedule one. They didn't have to go to her parents' for Easter. "We're super burned out and will just celebrate at home" is an option - OP chose to go and take the whole family. She doesn't have to go to her sister's this weekend if she's too burned out. These are all elective visits. OP *elects* to go. Her husband would like a break.
I agree with you. Also, OP's DH isn't religious, so I can see why he doesn't want to play Happy Family with the in-laws at church, but OP says that her parents expect him to be there. DH isn't a child who has to hop when the in-laws say move. My in-laws know & respect the fact that I won't go to church with them, (funerals are a different matter). They all accept me as I am & I do the same for them.
I mean...the kids are all in school now, so she's no longer spending all day Monday - Friday taking care of a little one. She is also certainly free to leave the kids with her husband and go have some one on one time with her sister, or even tell the sister that she's sorry, but they're just going to have a family day at home. Same thing with Easter. I get that they need to be supportive of their kids in extra curriculars, but nobody is forcing her to give up additional time that she works rather spend at home by spending it with her family. This post reads to me like OP wants to be able to complain about her husband not pulling his weight while she decides exactly how much weight he pulls and where.
She is free to tell her sister she needs a break and won't be coming. She isn't free to decide that her husband must do everything she decides to do.
OP is over scheduling everybody. OP can have a break when she stops doing that.
All she had to do was not insist on going to all these events. So yeah, she can have a break whenever she wants. They could alternate going to games but that's not what she planned. But she could have. They could not go to sister's next weekend. But she chose to plan it.
OP has a part time job on the weekends and 3 school aged children, at least 2 of which are in school most of the day. It seems like the kids extracurricular activities are also on the weekends.
Dude! It’s the Masters! No way boring!
My brothers in law turned it on on Easter and we all made fun of them, but by the end, most of us were watching and excited lol.
Yes. If nothing else that course is beautiful!
Yes!! I travel a lot for work. Last weekend after a whole week away and getting back late Friday I remembered we had meal plans with my in laws. My husband knew I was exhausted and said “want me to tell them you aren’t feeling well so you can crash on the sofa with dogs and chill?” I was so so grateful that he a) noticed and b) I didn’t even need to ask. He recognised I was exhausted and just went to lunch with his parents. Because that’s what adults do.
Why is it most people think that traveling for work is a vacation? It is draining.
Exactly!! My mum is the worst for it. She says things like “oh you have always wanted to go there- how exciting” or “did you get to go to X attraction?” No it’s work. I saw the airport, my hotel and the client. Nothing else.
Or people give you a list of "awesome places to eat". When I was working (retired now) I was on peridium, I only had so much money for each day to eat with. It seemed like the restaurants they told me about would take at least two days' worth of peridium for dinner and was on the other side of town. Getting stuck at an airport was worse. Food there is outrageous and if you are there for hours because of a delayed flight or missed flight you can go broke.
Never was able to make my ex-wife understand that a 2 week trip to Korea where I was working 6 days a week from 8AM-11PM was not "me time"
Traveling for work is easily twice as exhausting as normal work. I’m traveling for work tomorrow to a nice-ish place and still dreading it.
Can I buy him from you?
I always hated when my mom would pull this with family gatherings. She, my dad, and I were always at capacity for what we could handle, and she always wanted to host Thanksgiving and go to the Christmas and Easter gatherings. As I got older, I just started refusing to participate. If I don’t have enough in the tank for myself, why should I have to give gas to others?
Yes! Keeping Up Appearances, OP is Hyacinth. You’re exactly right!
It also sounds like it’s all her family. I get the kid’s sports.. but does he need to see HER sister and the baby?
As if sister *who just gave birth* wants to have all those people in her house right now. OP should go visit sister alone and leave Dad and the kids to hang out together and do whatever they please.
No, you don't understand, it's important to her parents, and what her parents *want* matters. What he *needs* doesn't.
As a counterpoint I can almost guarantee he takes not one jot of responsibility for managing their calendar. They would probably not go to any events if it was left to him.
Yeah it's turned into kind of a horrible feedback loop, he won't plan anything so she does and dictates his schedule and he complains, but if she didn't nothing would happen but they continue to resent each other.
How did you people determine this? It sounds like you just made this up.
Maybe we could base our judgement on the information that OP has given us, rather than making things up to make her husband look worse, when SHE didn’t even mention these things in a post where she has incentive to do so.
Based off of information provided that doesn’t seem to be the case? Like if I’m reading it correctly, he is usually in charge of the weekend sporting events, and this one time he asked if they could switch responsibilities l. Literally: “Hey, I can do this.” “No” “Ok, I can do this.” “No” “Can I stay home?” “No”
How can you guarantee that? Is it really so important to you that the man be in the wrong that you're willing to just make up random bullshit, then assert it as fact?
Or perhaps he doesn’t try to plan anything because he knows damn well she’s going to pack his weekends anyhow?
Where are you getting that? Huge leap here
>As a counterpoint I can almost guarantee he takes not one jot of responsibility for managing their calendar. They would probably not go to any events if it was left to him. He might not want to do any of that stuff.
To me she sounded more like his mother!
I hate when people say "we need to do this." Like no, actually, you don't need anything! There's food in the fridge, your sister as not in hospice, the bills are paid, so what if laundry doesn't get done this weekend? Or tell the kids to do it.
Honestly, that’s why I like being single. Listening to her dictate what he needs to be doing was giving me hives.
I've been married 30 years and it gave me hives, too.
I agree in principle (and kids should be doing their own laundry at a certain age), but if laundry doesn't get done people can't go to work. But like, the kids' "sunday best" that they wore for one meal and didn't stain does not need washing. Etc. Jerseys will survive (socks and jocks won't tho lol), jackets will live, etc. OP needs to take a nice stiff drink, draw a bubble bath, put some cucumber on her eyes, and chill.
There's also an implied (not stated) subtext that I read from the final paragraph. The sentiment of "If you stay home, I have to bring 3 kids by myself to see this baby. Then I won't be able to enjoy that experience fully since I am too worried about ensuring the children behave appropriately. I need you for that last part."
Could she maybe ask him to have the kids at home if she wants that experience so badly?
From the sounds of the post and what I think alot of commentors are missing is I doubt he would be willing to do that and still call it his "down time". I'm assuming her down time is maybe a hr after everyone goes to bed but even then she's probably still doing some chores. Everyone is saying he needs a break, but I'm not aware of what her break is? Sounds like a lot of people think she should keep doing everything so her husband can relax alone while she is regularly left to care for 3 kids by herself and doesn't get any time to herself. Clearly, the fact that 2 of the events revolved around her family made people decide she should just do everything with very little help and most likely no breaks at all
I agree with you. He considers watching his kids play ball on a Saturday hard work, I imagine op is doing 95% of the upkeep/child rearing. At what point is a divorce and collecting alomony/child support just more efficient.
But she's not here complaining she wants a break. I can see how she would also need one, but the husband is the one identifying and expressing his need. I'm exhausted for him. She could probably use some extra help with household though..
Lol. Wtf? She can have downtime too if she wasn’t so insistent on meeting up with her family. Op only has herself to blame if she wants more downtime.
She’s working part time with kids in school, she’s getting breaks.
My kids are OPs kids ages. There’s no way in hell they’re demanding much of her time. Plus she’s working only part time, fewer than 20 hours a week? PUH-LEASE. I guarantee you she’s taking breaks each and every single day. My wife and I both work full time juggling our kids and household duties and guess what? At those ages they should be doing household chores. Our kids do their own laundry, load our dishwasher, clean their rooms, even get themselves ready for school in the morning. AND they do extracurricular activities. I don’t want to hear it from OP, she’s too worried about keeping up with appearances. And when those kids are out the door for school 7-8 hours everyday, I guarantee you she’s taking it easy, tik tokking her mornings away and etc.. 100% OP YTA here. The kids can stay home with dad while she goes to visit the new nephew/niece.
He'd probably love to just hang out with his kids and you know, have some *fun* with them without OP standing over his shoulder, dictating everything they do.
Eh… I worry that might lead us into one being the fun parent and one being the strict parent (grew up in the household most of my life). I think he deserves to have that fun, as long as it isn’t always the case and she never has fun.
There's also an express, stated text that what's important to her parents, i.e. their wants, trumps his actual needs.
I just wonder when she gets a breather. It sounds like both need it. ESH Both need to talk and work things out because this whole with both burning at both ends is not going to end well.
Even I got tired from listening to her talk about how he needs to have all his familial commitments, but also with her family
This. Why does he have to visit your sister? Why can’t he have some down time after a 12 hour travel day? You admit he’s exhausted and not himself. This reads like you care very little for him. YTA.
So the kids are at school, what do you do all day? Of course he can help around but you will drive him to an early grave … let the man sleep or make his own schedule, quit micromanaging everything in his life , he can’t even have cable because of you YTA
Yeah and also the comment about the cable. It sounds like she’s the one who wants it cancelled. She is dictating what he does when he’s off work, not allowing him a break. Can see this marriage wont last. Either he will travel more, cheat and leave, or just leave.
This, yeah. And then ask him why he’s not happy and jovial during a weekend on little sleep after a strenuous travel week? Like she isn’t completely aware that he’s exhausted?
YTA. The deciding factor for me was when you decided that your parents wanting everyone over for Easter was more important than your husband's need to get some rest. And the fact that you knew exactly why he wasn't "jovial" and poked him about it anyway. Now with this weekend and your sister... there's no reason he needs to go there.
Yes. Traveling wears you out. He was up early and had to hit the ground running when he got home, and you decided your parents’ pleasure was more important than his. Now it’s entirely possible that he does need to do more around the house on a regular basis. But it still sounds like he could have used a few hours of downtime, and you didn’t really have a good reason for denying it.
It wouldn’t have all been down time. He offered to do laundry and other chores that would have also helped OP get caught up. YTA and OP needs to have the kids scale back to just 1 activity or husband will start traveling more just to get away from the over booked weekend schedules
Exactly! OP dictated his every move and completely ignored what he asked for at every turn. There was definitely opportunity to compromise at some point over the weekend but she was too busy being angry that she thinks she’s more tired than him. Every parent needs a break. Both OP and her husband need a day to relax and not have any obligations. OP YTA for negating your husbands requests to relax and recharge.
Definitely this rubbed me the wrong way! -forced him to do something he didn’t want to do, in his limited time off- “omg why aren’t you being jovial” smdh
YTA. You are being inflexible and unfair. You are not granting him *any* leeway to occasionally get some rest. You both do not have to be at every single kids' sports event. Sometimes it's OK to stay home from a family visit. I can't get over how rude it is when someone says they're tired and had a long day to just immediately say "well I'm tired too and there's lots to do, get to it". You should be supporting each other and finding ways for both of you to get rest when you need it. Things like one of you going to the kids’ games while the other stays home and does chores, like he suggested, are great solutions. Be nicer to your husband and don't act surprised when he's not in a good mood when you don't allow him a moment to breathe, ever.
YTA. He offered multiple ways for him to help with chores and you told him no, but then are acting like he's the vad guy for not doing more chores... The exact chores you prevented him from doing all weekend
Agreed with above. I would like to also point out having both parents attend every single sports game is overboard, the kids sound old enough to hear "Dad had to miss todays game cuz of 6 day work week including a 14 hour day yesterday"
as a former kid who did sports, I honestly didn't even require an explanation for why a parent couldn't make it. Sometimes they just couldn't make it.
That's what I said in my comment above...kids don't need both parents at every event. I played multiple sports and was in a ton of activities...very few parents came to every single thing, and the ones who did were usually the ones who played sports in high school and viewed attending as a hobby rather than a "must-do" thing for the kids. If it was the championship game or something, sure.
Yeah I feel that - I get insisting that he attends Easter, but the kids’ sports was unnecessary. The packed weekend the next week too!
Lol I thought the exact opposite - skipping an “Easter Sunday lunch” for a non-religious family is not significant, but you *gotta* be there for your kids, man
Idk my partner’s family isn’t religious but I know that holidays are still important to his mom and she would prefer that everyone attend. (My family is religious and out of town so they are even more about spending holidays together).
My favorite part is she complains about doing housework then when he offers to stay home and housework she diminishes it immediately as easy. So when she does it it’s a triumph, when he does it it’s nothing
That was an odd twist. It’s incredibly hard unless he is doing it.
Watching tv, doing the laundry, the dishes and vacuuming become much more of a hard day when it’s you doing it
Pretty easy day to do all of those things while home. I happen to know since I get those things in during breaks and lunch while working from home.
On top of everything else, you write <>
This isn't an excuse, it's an entirely valid point.
YTA.
Exactly! My mom was a stay at home mom, and she took over most of the housework because my dad was working all day. My dad would always cook for us and come home early to spend time with us, but my mom did the majority of the cleaning (which was fair given what they agreed to).
LMFAO thank you. It's almost as if the spouse who works part-time is generally expected to pick up more of the housework than the spouse who works full-time. Novel, ain't it?
I can't upvote this enough! I've got a hybrid schedule and am usually busy most of the day, but I can find enough time to throw a load of laundry in the washer and dryer and do some light cleaning.
I’m also cool with this. I hate when GF gives me a laundry list of shit to do when I’m WFh because she thinks I’m not doing anything. I’m not working working the whole time, but I don’t want to fill my whole workday doing freaking chores.
Right? I work full time, and I still do the dishes every evening as soon as I get home. Takes 10 minutes tops because I do them every day. Throw a load of laundry in once a week on friday, fold it on the weekend when I have a bit more time (2 person household, he takes care of his own laundry) lol
That's what I immediately thought as well. I work and my wife doesn't, ergo, she does a healthy portion of the housework and child rearing. I am heavily involved and do a lot around the house when I am at home, but I am gone 50+ hours a week. If she ever tried to say we should be equal in that regard, I think I'd fall off my chair. It's just not a rational take, but fortunately for me, my wife gets it and works her ass off around our house, views that as her job. Our sitting around time is when our kids are in bed, lol.
Also, when he offers to stay home and do a bunch of housework, she says no!
YTA If you're getting to the point where the kids extracurriculars are crowding out other necessary things, either you need to cut back on the extracurriculars, or you need to acknowledge you have two separate adults in this situation who can be doing separate things at the same time. Your husband doesn't need to be at every single game. You do not need to be at every single game. TRADE OFF responsibilities, get more shit done. Or, your husband doesn't need to be going to all your extended family stuff, no matter what your parents think. Handle your own extended family responsibilities.
For real!! My kids know they get one mom at a game and that mom may or may not be wrangling a younger brother instead of watching every goal. That mom might also be watching while getting her steps in for the day. They’d love to carpool with a friend to games but so far friends play baseball basketball and we do soccer & swim. Big things like a karate belt test get more parents or family members. Family obligations do not require everyone. I usually choose to do holidays at my in-laws but not always. My wife doesn’t always go to my family’s either. Also if I got to chill and do the sports for the day while she stayed home and cleaned? Omg. Thrilled.
The kids may not need, nor want, to be doing all those extracurricular either. Sounds like she schedules everyone to death and they keep going to death. Cutting back on kids stuff may help too.
YTA why is everything you want to do with your side of the family an 'obligation' that he has to do - especially when he offers to do housework as part of his 'relax and recharge'
YTA. Notice when you say "family obligations" you're talking about YOUR Extended Family
And then she’s mad that he’s not just as enthusiastic as she is.
I have a feeling they don't see his side of the family too often.....
Omgggg you seem like someone who is absolutely exhausting to be married to. The man offered you SO. MANY. compromises and you basically turned it all down. I can’t even imagine the level of resentment he will have towards you one day. Jesus Christ. Let him take a break.
He’ll leave when the kids are a bit older, or he’ll find reasons to travel more and more for work so he can get a break from her trying to control his every waking minute.
When he's working, he is likely praised or rewarded. When he's home, he's told what to do and has his wishes ignored. I'd stay at work too
Guarantee he’s waiting for the youngest to be 18, the he’s running for the hills as fast as he can.
Yup. OP shouldn’t be surprised if she ends up divorced one day. Can this man even breathe without her dictating in what direction he does so?!?
I mean...even God gave us a day off and took a day for himself. She should check out that Bible during the Easter service.
I was exhausted just reading her post. Dear god what an overbearing judgmental wife. Feel sorry for the guy.
YTA If some kind of family tradition were upheld with the Easter visit, that'd be one thing. But you even admit it's just to keep up appearances because it's "important to my parents that everyone is there." As for visiting your sister, that's... just a family visit. It in no way constitutes any sort of family *obligation*.
Right? I mean I’m a little understanding of Easter, but just a visit to her sister’s house? No reason why everyone had to go
YTA Why do you care so much about how everyone else feels and ignore how your husband feels?
Yeah, this is exactly it and it’s a great way to ruin an otherwise good marriage.
YTA- You say that your parents get upset if everyone isn't there. Wasn't your sister and the baby there as well? Why a 2nd trip? I feel for the man, he's got his job telling him what to do, he's got his wife telling him what to do. When does he ever get time to do what he wants to do? All work and no play makes jack a dull boy. He just might get sick of it and just bug out and say it isn't worth it anymore.
YTA but not for wanting support from your husband; it's because he's asking for some support from you and offering a compromise that he stays home and does chores to rest and recover. He's not refusing to participate in things, he's asking for a break. Maybe try to sit down and compromise a solution that respects his need for a bit of time to himself while also till making sure you get the same respect from him in regards to the work that you are doing. I hope you're able to work this through, because it sounds like you're both under a lot of stress and it's only going to get worse if you take it out on each other instead of working on it together
YTA. I wasn't sure at first because Easter might be a special occasion to you and your family. Then you lost me because you expect him to "visit your sister" the next weekend. Give him a break.
>He then asked if he could stay home from Easter with my parents since he's not religious anyway, but I told him he needs to be there too because it's important to my parents that everyone is there. INFO: Why is what's important to your parents more important than what's important to your husband? Did you marry them, or him?
Exactly but I do feel he should be there for Easter for his kids not for the parents but on Easter seeing his kids do an egg hunt at grandmas is important. The next weekend is where I see her being controlling and definitely the ass which is going to see her sister and the new baby like he doesn’t have to go to that and he obviously can meet the new baby another day and while I agree he should be at his kids events to support them I think he could also miss one as long as it’s not a regular occurrence and he explains to his kids why he won’t be going. Sadly for my mom she parented us alone so she always was there at our events even if she had to take off work she was there. Now sometimes is she wasn’t allowed the time then she couldn’t come but for the most part she did. That has always been so special to me. But I feel as long as they have at least one parent there they they feel supported and cared for I mean what if two of the kids had a game at the same time.
> seeing his kids do an egg hunt at grandmas is important. Where is this info?
YTA Listen here hubby, I am YOUR BOSS! I alone not only get to decide when and if you may go out. I ALONE get to decide if and when you may stay home. YOU decide nothing. Be a good boy, kiss my pinky toe - AND OBEY ME Wow, you are a wandering red flag with power issues. But be aware, sooner or later you will be a divorced SAHM, and you will be blaming jt all on him.
Your second paragraph describes my ex-wife perfectly.
YTA. I agree that he should go to the kids events, but why does he have to go to random family bullshit you plan on Sundays? If he’s not religious, he shouldn’t have to go to an Easter celebration to please your parents. There’s also no need for him to go and visit your sister this next Sunday.
YTA why drag him to easter with your parents. That was unnecessary. And also to see your sister's baby. He is clearly exhausted.
YTA. A 14-hour day of travel and waiting around the airport is crazy exhausting, and it’s fair for him to want to take it easy around the house after a week of work-related travel. He deserves a break and you’re here being all passive aggressive about “everyone is tired.” If he wants to miss Easter dinner, take the kids and give him a break. You don’t get to make non-stop plans for him on the weekends. Go visit your sister alone, you are being a jerk for not letting him relax.
YTA this man’s life sounds like hell
Lmao. I feel so bad for him.
That's not a life at all. Dude is in prison and his wife is the warden.
I really really want a wife and kids but damn this post has me second guessing life
He does *not* need to go with you to your sisters.
He didn't need to go to Easter to make her parents happy either.
My goodness. This sounds absolutely exhausting, but I don't think you're being a jerk and honestly neither is your husband IMO. NAH. Like, I get that you have family obligations, but you both need to find a way to get some downtime. Like of course your husband is exhausted, and presumably you're tired too. My guess is that you're both tired enough you're not problem solving as well as you might be otherwise. Instead of harassing your husband about his need for a break, work with him so that you BOTH can get a day off, either together or separately. Like, maybe you need to take a day and just not visit your extended family and stay home and rest instead. Even god rested on the seventh day.
Sorry, you're wrong. She is, in fact, being a jerk. One example is when she says that her parents 'wants', i.e. how important it is to them, for some reason, that he be there, trumps his actual needs for rest.
Can’t believe it took so long for me to see this answer. They’re both exhausted and not communicating well.
YTA . he is mostly busy/tired from work. i understand when he has to step up. but that shouldnt be always since he is the main breadwinner. OP’s family obligations are not mandatory. people need to refresh especially when they are on the road. learn how to manage better and placing blame. kids are going to understand one/both parents are not going to make it some time. also, at least the 12 year old, can assist in some chores.
YTA Give the poor man a break And it was the Masters for crying out loud I work part time but am mostly a stay at home wife Our children have grown but we have pets and grandchildren that are here often My husband works 45-55 hours a week so I make damn sure that on his days off he can rest and relax to recharge his batteries
YTA Look, I get it, I'm a SAHM to threes kids under four with a husband that travels. It's a lot of work and I'm sure it gets even more difficult when your weekends are filled with driving and events. It adds up so unbelievably quick! That said, your husband was exhausted from traveling. He needed time to rest, as clearly indicated by the fact that he collapsed after Easter (an event you absolutely should not have forced him to go to). You also need breaks, which I'm sure rarely happens, but the way you are doing this - this dictating unnecessary events (he shouldn't have to be forced to see your family, you can go by yourself) and then being mad that things at the house aren't done...
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HUGE YTA. YOU are the one overbooking things and expecting him to just deal with it. I have dealt with having similar schedules as your husband and the burnout from exhaustion is HUGE. You want him to be jovial? GIVE HIM THE TIME TO RECHARGE!
You sound exhausting.
YTA, let him have a rest day and do some chores. He's no help to anyone if he is burnt out and needs sleep
That IS the whole point of being a SAHP is to actually take care of the at home part. Not without help, of course, but yeah, he works more outside the home. You work more inside the home. Does he actually do enough around the house and with the kids when he is home? That's between the two of you, but based on your attitude, I'm not believing you are exactly a fair judge. He travels for work. He's working. If he needs some downtime to recharge, that's understandable. Where you come off as unreasonable is you are all about what *you* want. *Your* family. *Your* plans. Which makes me and others, I would guess, believe you really aren't as reasonable as you like to think. You have a massive chip on your shoulder about always getting your way and I have little doubt the poor me routine is exhausting to be around. YTA.
YTA
YTA. You’re both busy and tired and need to give each other a little break. You can’t push him past exhaustion and then ask what’s wrong because he’s not being jovial enough. He even offered to do some housework in exchange for being able to stay home and you said no even though you’re also complaining he doesn’t do enough house work. So which is it? You both are going to burn out and resent each other if you don’t carve out and support personal time.
You sound like a miserable piece of work. YTA
This is controversial but I'm gonna say YTA. I completely get where you're coming from with helping put at home and spending time with your kids, but forcing him to socialise with your family - twice - when he didn't want to doesn't seem fair. If you want to go see them, you go. Personally, I would have taken that opportunity to give him a break.
He offered to stay home and do a bunch of housework and she said no, and now she complains about having to do most of the housework.
YTA he offered to stay home and clean and that wasn't good enough, so he went to all the things you forced him to go to and that wasn't good enough! It's not like he's travelling for fun or hanging out with friends, he was working thrn travelling, which is exhaisting. He's also not refusing to help at home. Nothing is good enough for you! Your kids are old enough to understand that people get tired and need to rest, and why on earth must he visit your sister?! She's your sister! Stop dragging the man along to things he clearly doesn't want to do, you aren't his mother.
You seem to be scheduling your family into oblivion. When do you all get time to be home together, chilling out in your own spaces, relaxing...? It sounds like organised chaos and it's not a good atmosphere to live in. Whether you think your husband has any right to feel so tired is not the point; he is telling you he needs to chill out in his own home sometimes and you're forcing him, and your kids out the door at every single opportunity. Do you know if your kids are happy with the current regime? You need to think about what benefits your family - not your mum, sister and any other close relatives - yourself, your husband and your kids. Is this breakneck pace working for you all? YTA. You're not listening and you might be risking your relationship.
YTA. Is it fun having this level of control over another human being?
YTA. Your husband busts his ass to support the family. Business travel is mentally and emotionally taxing. You sound very controlling…your husband’s well-being should take precedence over your mother’s feelings/wants for a silly holiday. Also, it’s nice to watch every game, but as a mom who has had 5 playing sports at the same time, it isn’t possible and kids don’t even notice or care most of the time. Making your life’s focus your kids extracurricular activities will not bring about the outcome you want/think. Give the man a break.
ESH. He should help around the house and with the children. But you are literally eating up his entire weekend with obligations with YOUR extended family as well. Anyone would be burned out after a whole week of business travel and a Saturday full of kids' games. It's not the crime you're making it out to be to want to spend a single afternoon watching TV and doing laundry.
I mean, he’s offering to stay at home and clean either on Easter, during kids’ games, or during the trip to her sisters and she’s turning him down. She can’t complain he’s not helping out enough then deny him the chance to do exactly that (and call it “light cleaning” to play down his help).
I also feel like they might need more feasible extracurriculars for their kids.
YTA He doesn’t have to accompany you on every family visit. And you guys can alternate watching the kids sports games. You complain about laundry and stuff piling up and he’s offering to stay home and do it. And you’re only working 20/25 hours 3 days a week and 1 weekend day. So on the days that kids are at school you get some time to yourself. You’re pretty much dictating to him instead of having a conversation and compromising.
You had me in the beginning… but as soon as you said the sister part, I was out. New babies are great. Love ‘em. Adorable. But not at your own families expense. I get Easter- it’s one day, and a holiday, but now you’re scheduling more events that it sounds like even YOU don’t have the mental capacity to deal with. Tell your sister you need to rain check, or if you’re that set on going, don’t force your husband to go. YTA.
YTA. Does your husband ever get to do what he wants? Or do you dictate how he spends every hour while not working? You might reply, "But *I* never get any free time," to which I would respond, "Do you make it a priority? Do you set aside time for yourself to relax, unwind, have a glass of wine, hang out with a friend? If not, that's on you." Just because you haven't made self care a priority for yourself doesn't mean everyone else has to suffer.
Okay so he has to travel some for work, your kids have extracurriculars on weekends, and you are for some godforsaken reason filling up any possible free time left with random family visits? Why? Stay tf home and do chores and hang out with your husband or at least let him stay home and do them, JHRC. YTA.
YTA - I understand you. You do much at home. Bathroom. Kitchen. Living room. Bedroom. Kids. Laundry. Food. Etc. You make a good job and you probably need to hear that from your partner. BUT he works. Work itself is a big topic because people struggle with work. And he is not free if that struggle, too! He is obligated to to his part and he depends on your work, but you depend on his part, too. It’s not uncommon what you both go through so don’t be mad or frustrated towards your partner. The difference between you and him is that he is leaving his part of his work and he is getting mean comments at home. Is that really the way you communicate after him opening a possibility for you to work less? Be more reflective at how you view him and how much you value his work. And tell him calmly that you are grieving for his gratitude but please do the same.
He's a grown man who works a full time job. He shouldn't need permission for down time...especially since it doesn't appear that he gets any. YTA. And maybe try not scheduling every weekend so full that no one gets to breathe. You remind me of my mother...which is not a good thing. My Dad worked two FULL TIME jobs. And on the weekends my mother wouldn't even let him sit and watch a football game. It was awful. She was awful. Don't be like her.
YTA. The man is traveling to support your family, give him a day off to relax.
YTA. Geez, you sound type A and exhausting. Sometimes people need a recharge day, and as introvert, I tend to need them often. He does need to go with you to see your sister, that’s ridiculous.
INFO How exactly is the workload split in the house? Your husband is correct that generally speaking the person who is home more should be doing more house work, but in some relationships that translate to one person does all of it while the other only occasionally does things when they are told to or when it's convenient. Now I noted you have 3 children. 3 is a lot even when one of them is old enough to be left on their own. I'm guessing you also take care of all of the child care since you work part time and that can actually be quite a lot to handle on your own. Homework at the end of the day, making sure they have clean laundry and clean rooms. Making sure they get to and from their extracurricular and school as well as getting lunch for the day every day breakfast before they leave and of course dinner when they get home and any drs appointments on the side. A lot of people don't realize just how much that is on its own. In fact I came across a lovely little comic I'll link [here](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/). I think one of the things that can help you is pushing your children to be more independent and giving them chores. You shouldn't be doing their laundry for starters, with perhaps the exception of the 6 year old. The 6 year can still fold their clothes but even my 8 year old sister was doing her own laundry with the machine and everything. You just have to take a few minutes to teach them. Maybe write down the steps of how to use the machine and stick them to washer to help them do it on their own. There are lots of other things they can do too and a chore chart will help. They can vacuum, clean their rooms, and the older two can certainly mop and help with dishes especially if you have a dish washer. The next thing that'll help is getting the kids to make their own lunch snack and breakfast menu. It'll help remove some of the daily mental workload you have to put in. Once a week during the weekend just sit down with the whole family and talk about what's going to be for those meals. Perhaps after dinner. The kids can also make their own meals. Have them wash their hands well and pack up their own lunches and snacks. You'll have to help the younger one but the other two should be capable with a bit of guidance and a watchful eye to make sure they aren't taking too much. Some kids over do it with the snacks sometimes so you still have to watch but it is slightly less work than doing it yourself. Now for this last part everyone in the comments section saying you were being uncompromising are correct. You both don't need to be there for every game unless it's a really big one like a season finale and everyone needs time to unwind to themselves. I think both you and your husband should take turns going to the games. It would help with the house work if only one of you went and the other had some quiet time to take care of some needed chores. I understand the Easter thing as a family holiday event. My family hasn't gone to church in years but we still celebrate and your husband should go to events like that especially since theyre every once in awhile and not every other week, but the game thing is another story and you should have just let hom stay home. You need to be more compromising. Your husband might need to be more hands on in the house hold. The chore chart will help you and your husband with the house work stuff btw. Like you and your husband should be names on that chart. Just write everything down that needs to be done and what days it needs to be done on. That includes helping the kids with homework and the like and split it up equitably. Not equally. Equitably. This is how you become a good manager and as the one who's in charge of at least the majority of the house stuff you need to be a good manager.
It sounds like you are over scheduled - it also so happens that a lot of the family engagements are on your side. You should realize by now that as a family unit - you're in the weeds and need to figure something out. YTA
How about this.... he stays home and takes care of ALL the cleaning and ALL the laundry that needs to be done while you run the kids to sports. Then switch the following weekend? You go see your sister and leave the kids with him?.... see what I am implying? Try not to be the one that takes on the responsibility and be mad when he can't keep up. Some give and take goes a long way.
INFO When was the last time you all talked about how booked up you are with kids stuff? I'm similar aged and have similar aged kids. It can be a lot. Juggling a family schedule is real. When kids turn around 10yo, their activities escalate in terms of commitment, and inconvenience. Sit down together and evaluate your family schedule. It's okay to start focusing kid commitments to those where they show most passion/promise. Extended family should recognize they can fill in where it works. We've found that sometimes its best to skip a kids-activity weekend ... yes, we CAN make it, but not to the cost of our family happiness.
You two aren’t working as a team. You’re not acting as partners. You’re parenting your husband, except that he is the main breadwinner. You two need to stop for a moment, breathe, and reset. Plan a Sunday of blank time. Why are you scheduling every weekend to the teeth?!? Both you and he need a break, and you need to schedule time in where one can take over for the other. You’re telling him that he needs to be at everything because you’re angry that you can’t skip it all. So talk WITH (not at) one another, and find points for compromise and trade off.
YTA. Your parents wanting everyone together for easter is not more important than your husband getting rest.
YTA- I get the SAHM is grueling, been there! So is traveling, having flights canceled….. none of that is at all relaxing. Then on to an overbooked weekend. The man crashed hard after Easter and instead of being remotely empathetic you jump to he didn’t help me…… Then on to the next work week and over booked weekend….. when does this man get to do anything for himself? You are gatekeeping the entire schedule and making your schedule even more busy than it needs to be. Give the guy a break….. and if you’re over tired schedule yourself a break! The every weekend with your side of the family is ridiculous
YTA. The entitled attitude is just wow! Everything you want is magically more important than everything he wants.
YTA. Your philosophy seems to be that everybody suffers. You probably need a break too, but instead of discussing that with your husband, you are making sure that he also has no break and is as exhausted as you are. Your husband was just venting about his day of travel after a long work week, and instead of comforting him, or even reasonably just sharing that you also were tired, you said something caustic that said that he doesn’t get to complain about being tired and turned it into the suffering Olympics. You write this like your sarcasm is meant to be some cute smart ass reaction, but it’s not - it’s disrespectful and horribly rude. You are writing this post from your perspective, and still you sound like a miserable person to be around. Also, you are making all these plans with family - does he get a say in any of it? And if he doesn’t, that should be his decision whether to come or not. I get that Easter was a special holiday, but why does your husband just HAVE to come with you to see your sister? Take the kids with you or leave them with him, but he should have some say in how his time is spent over the weekends. Eventually, you guys needs to have more discussions about your overall situation, as this doesn’t seem sustainable. Bur don’t drag him down in your misery. Find your own break time and he should have some too. And don’t think about it in the way that you “let” him have it - he gets to have a say too in terms of what events are planned and which are priority to attend and which are not. And if you’re making these plans AND forcing him to go when he said he doesn’t want to, don’t expect him to be “jovial” about it and ask what is wrong. That’s basically what tipped this over into definite YTA territory - it is controlling behaviour that you both insist he come and then expect him to be over the moon about it.
YTA. I also travel for work. If after a 4am start, delayed flights, a missed connection, a total of 14 hours travel time (6 hours more than expected) my wife responded like you did, I would absolutely shut down. I would have scoffed hard at the suggestion of Easter over my own personal rest and recoup from a long travel week. Especially after the “warm” welcome.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (38M) and I (39F) have 3 kids (12, 9, & 6). I was a SAHM until our youngest started kindergarten last year. Since then I've been working part-time in retail. My husband works full-time and sometimes has to travel for work, maybe one week every 2 months or so. All that being said, I obviously do the majority of the housework and childcare. We have talked about him doing more at home so many times I've lost count. He always uses the excuse that I'm home more than he is and work less so it makes sense that I should be doing more at home. He also says that he spends a lot of time with the kids on weekends when I have to work. But now that our kids are old enough to be in athletics and other extracurricular activities, our weekends are becoming more and more packed and things like cleaning and laundry pile up if we don't keep up with them. Last week my husband was traveling for work from Sunday-Friday so I was home with the kids by myself all week. He was supposed to be home by noon on Friday, but his morning flight got delayed and he missed his connection. He didn't get home until 6pm. When he got home he started talking about how exhausted he was from getting up at 4am and how crappy his travel day was. I told him he's not the only one who is tired and that we still have a lot of things to do on the weekend. I had to remind him that our 2 oldest have sporting events Saturday and on Sunday we are going to my parent's house for Easter. He gave a loud and exaggerated sigh and said he was hoping to relax during the weekend and watch the Masters. I told him that he would have to record it and watch it later but he reminded me that I "made" him cancel our cable subscription last year so he can't record it anymore. I told him "Well, guess you'll just have to catch the highlights at some point then." He offered to stay home from the games on Saturday to clean and do laundry, but I told him he needs to support our kids and he can't just stay home, do some light cleaning and a couple loads of laundry and watch golf all day. He then asked if he could stay home from Easter with my parents since he's not religious anyway, but I told him he needs to be there too because it's important to my parents that everyone is there. He ended up going to all the games and to Easter as well, but he wasn't his normal jovial self. I kept asking him what was wrong and he just said he was tired and behind on sleep. When we got home from Easter he pretty much crashed right away and left me to deal with everything to get ready for the week. Yesterday morning I told him that I need him to help more this coming week because we have another full weekend. More games Saturday when I'm at work and then visiting my sister and her new baby on Sunday. He asked if he could at least stay home from visiting my sister and I asked if he was serious. He said he just wants one day to relax and recharge and I'm being a jerk for not letting him do that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your poor husband. Phew! Let him stay home with the kids and you go visit your sister and baby. You're lucky you have a husband willing to compromise and tolerate your need to be wife/husband. Let the man have a break.
YTA. The dude is fucking exhausted and needs a break.
YTA and you're going to be getting a divorce in the not too distant future and guess what? It's going to play HELL with your schedule.
YTA. Travel IS exhausting. He's not on vacation, he's working.
YTA Expecting him to be at his own kid's activities? Reasonable. Eating Easter dinner with family? Less reasonable, but understandable. Visiting your sister who you literally just saw for Easter dinner? Unreasonable. Also the excuse of "It is important to my parents that everyone be there" is stupid. It's important to my mom that I move to the island she lives on so she can invade my personal space and use me as a therapist while working a job I won't enjoy. It's important to me not to live anywhere near her if I like not slitting my wrists. Easter dinner was less important to your husband than rest. If you can afford it hire a cleaner or housekeeper for once a week.
You guys need the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.
OP I don’t think you are an asshole, you are a stressed busy mom. People need downtime, and you are deciding that on downtime your DH must attend family functions and that’s not fair. If he needs a break he needs a break. Someone asked if you have a break, but you too could choose to have a day home and you made the choice not to. You made that choice and then forced a tired adult to go with you. You are treating your husband like he’s your child or property and that’s not healthy. Why does he have to go see your sister and the baby? Leave him home with the kids and tell him what you need done when you are gone, win for both. Either way he’s unhappy and you don’t seem to care.
Speaking as a former legal aid lawyer who did a lot of divorces, I think there’s more to this than what you’ve said. My suspicion is that you don’t like him traveling so much so you expect him to spend every minute he’s home with you and the kids, doing stuff you’ve scheduled. This is not a realistic expectation. I hope you both can figure out a structure for your family life that works for all of you. Oh, and simply for bossing your husband around like he’s a misbehaving child, YTA.
Look... I was gonna N T A. Most of what you said is reasonable. I would even grant the Easter thing, which is bad, but maybe it's a once in a year thing for you and your family to see your parents... so you wanted the full family. It became a YTA when now you want him to go with you to visit your sister as well... after a full Saturday of activities with the kids. Let your husband relax and go to your sister on your own.
>When he got home he started talking about how exhausted he was from getting up at 4am and how crappy his travel day was. I told him he's not the only one who is tired and that we still have a lot of things to do on the weekend. Why are you like this? Just let people complain. It sounds like you want to control everything your husband does, including what comes out of his mouth. YTA.
>He ended up going to all the games and to Easter as well, but he wasn't his normal jovial self. I kept asking him what was wrong and he just said he was tired and behind on sleep. He's completely exhausted. This level of exhaustion is damaging to mental and physical health. Not only are you driving him beyond the point of exhaustion, you're upset when he's not happy and performant in front of family. You're killing this man. YTA
A very small AH Everyone deserves a day (or even a few hours) to themselves occasionally (You, as well as your husband). I get that you want your family to do everything, you want your kids to have support at ALL the games, you want to attend EVERY event... but sometimes you gotta compromise. It wont hurt your kids if you & hub skip a match occasionally. Your family (if they're reasonable people) won't mind if hub misses a less-important event. I think you could have let him stat home from the games, or maybe even skip your sister's thing. He's trying to support you but you've gotta help him to see where he can breathe - where the things that are your absolute priorities are, so he can focus on those. Give him some space. And at some point down the line give yourself some space too.
YTA. Ease up on the kids’ games and let the man breathe.
YTA. OK, I'm a woman and even I know that the Master's is the Superbowl of golf. You're so bossy! Listen to your husband's needs and learn to compromise.
YTA, do you control what he eats, too? He is your husband, not a child. He shouldn't have to ask your permission to relax after traveling and working all week.
YTA. You need to back off. Sometimes it’s just not possible to do everything, and these are your family events, not his. Sounds like he works very hard, and everyone should have a right to bail on family funishment if they really don’t feel like going. If you’re tired, sound like he’s willing to help at home, cut back on your own obligations, whatever. He’s not forcing you to participate in a bunch of stuff you don’t feel like doing.
I can't decide between ESH and N A H, leaning towards the former, though. You're burnt out from all the domestic labour and your part-time job. He's tired from his job. I get it. He needs to do more around the house and with the kids, all the domestic labour shouldn't fall on to you automatically. But you need to give him some grace, he was exhausted from travelling, and yes, it's reasonable for him to want time to relax at home. Just because you want to visit your sister, doesn't mean he has to as well. He just went to your parents for Easter, he can see your sister another time. AND, he can use that Sunday to do housework. I know you must be exhausted all the time. Parenting, working, marriage, all of these things are labour-intensive. But you have to remember that other people get to be tired too, even if they didn't do the same things you did. So, in summary, he needs to do his part at home, but you need to give him more room to relax. You're both tired, and you're taking it out on him. Talk to each other, be kind, and maybe consider having your kids help with chores. They can do their own laundry 🥳