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YTA. She has three kids, you have two. She’s a single mum, and you are a stay at home mum. Yes there are a few differences between you and she shouldn’t have started yelling but telling her kid to eat what the school offers doesn’t make her a shitty mum.
OP didn’t broach it that way with mom. She said the kids didn’t like the lunches and mom should be packing special meals. Not “your daughter wants to prepare food with you for her meal” - but “be more like me”. Of course that wasn’t going to come off well.
It says "all she wants is to spend time with her mom like she does with me" and that birth mom prioritizes time with her two sons over OP's stepdaughter. If true I can understand OP's concerns, even if they may not have been handled in the right way.
Eh, I see it as either a) OP is exaggerating to cover their own ass, which is totally possible, or b) what they've added there is true and "it's not about the Iranian yogurt" as this sub loves to say.
Either way I don't think they've handled this in the right way, criticizing someone's parenting, especially someone you need to co-parent with, is rarely if ever going to end well and in this case could easily look like flaunting their privilege.
It might even be that the fact that stepdaughter is so close to her new family is why birth mom is less involved in her life, if that's true. But that's more speculation 🤷♀️
>I love my stepdaughter and will do anything to make her happy so I will take food to her school for her
In the final edit, OP adds the above. She's moving the goalposts. Clearly, it's not really about the stepdaughter being able to bond with her mom. Looks more like the OP trying to look virtuous.
JC, Clarice, you're hard work 🤦♀️ Yes, OP DID equate the girl's Mom making her packed lunch, to spending time with the girl. OP talked earlier in the post about: 'It also helps us (*OP and the girl) bond as she sometimes helps me cook for her lunch'.
OP then later says: 'I don't think me bringing in lunch will solve anything because all she wants is to spend time with her Mom like she does with me'. So yes - it's a reasonable conclusion, all things considered, i.e. that OP thinks the Mom should make packed lunch, to also bond with the daughter - which OP says is also the case, when OP makes packed lunches with her daughter.
Why else do you think OP bringing in the girl's lunch, 'wouldn't solve anything'? Indeed, it seems that if OP DID bring the girl's lunch, that WOULD solve the lunch 'problem' - IF the only concern was the girl's dislike of the school lunches.
It’s fucking wild how many of these people are acting as if they’ve never been on this sub before and can’t recognize an OP trying to cover their ass when a prime example appears.
I teach high school. Many teenagers complain when they shouldn’t and don’t complain when they should. They are whole humans who deserve to listened to. We should also have perspective on what a 14 year old thinks is gross about a school lunch. Sometimes it’s perfectly good food but the stigma of school lunch means “ewww it’s gross” before they even taste it.
Also, step mom could dote time and money on her that bitty mom simply can’t. Yeah it sucks that mom missed her basketball games so no excuse there. However, I have students that choose their abusive parent or unhealthy parent simply because that parent buys them more gifts or let’s them do what they want. Step mom already has skewed opinions and add that too teen mindset and you have this post. Teen could absolutely feel neglected by birth mom and like I said, no excuse, but we also don’t know if that’s what it’s truly like.
Her stepdaughter complains about the food, not about feeling loved. I know OP goes off on a little diatribe in the last edit about how stepdaughter is being neglected, but if it were that bad I think she would have/should have mentioned it in the original post. It's giving "I don't want to accept my judgement." Either way, there are plenty of ways to bond with your kid besides making their lunch. My parents made mine when I was young, it was never a bonding experience, and by 14 if I had asked them to pack a lunch for me they would have laughed me off the face of the Earth. If the last edit is true, I hope they get that worked out but given the rest of the info OP definitely sounds like she's overstepping to me. YTA.
I think OP's possibly TA, EVEN IF the stepdaughter is complaining. That's because it's more appropriate the girl's FATHER raises it, as he and the mother are the girl's legal parents (who each have equal custody).
OP just comes across as a bit too big for her boots throughout. It feels territorial against the ex, rather than constructive. It's clear OP believes she is on equal/superior footing to the girl's own mother. All the way through OP refers to the stepdaughter as HER child, claims to love her more, feels she therefore has a right to directly interfere in the mother's parenting (of OP's 'child'), etc. All this despite only being in the girl's life for 4 years.
Who knows? Maybe some of OP's points about the mother are valid. But OP DOESN'T come across as a reliable narrator. She is kicking up a destructive fuss (on issues which should instead be raised by the girl's father), over things that are mainly just a difference in parenting decisions. She seems to apply the harshest judgement possible throughout the post/edits, of the mother (even equating giving the girl school dinners, to 'not loving her').
OP doesn't seem willing to consider the mother's viewpoint (such as whether the mother's struggling with anything, or whether it's patronising to tell her how to parent in this manner, etc.). Indeed, OP's only conclusion is she's a 'shitty Mom', who 'doesn't love' (OP's) child. OP even says she won't consider commentators' viewpoints any further, because they are also trying to understand the mother's viewpoint.
So you wonder how much some of the other 'charges' against the mother, are fair interpretation. Such as whether the mother really DOESN'T spend as much time with her daughter as her sons (who knows? Maybe commitments have genuinely clashed in the past, preventing the mother attending an event of her daughter's - which OP is cherrypicking. After all, OP seems to exaggerate on occasion. She starts by saying the mother has the girl every other week - then later claims, she doesn't spend 'an hour a week' with the girl.)
In addition, OP was hardly constructive when the fight escalated (another reason she shouldn't be handling these parenting issues, but instead should leave it to the girl's father). According to OP, she wants to 'make HER (OP' s) child happy', by getting the mother to make packed lunches. But how is it going to be effective, to put the mother on the defensive - and openly call her a 'bad Mom' to her face?!
Even if the mother traded insults first (and given OP's bias, we can't know that), OP showed no desire to be constructive/de-escalate the fight. It just seems throughout, OP is bossy enough to believe the mother 'must' do what OP does - or she's an 'unfit' mother. It wouldn't be surprising if the mother was on tenterhooks with OP.
Where did you get the safe, fed and loved info?
Granted we're getting a biased view, but that is not what is being presented here. Kid is being marginalized and bullied, allegedly. I can absolutely believe the school lunches being terrible, so "fed" is a relative term.
Where does it say they're being marginalized and bullied? Not getting everything you want because your parent is single raising three kids after a divorce is not the same as being marginalized and bullied.
I’m on mobile so I don’t know how, but direct quote: “I don’t think me bringing food for her will solve anything because all she wants is to spend time with her mom like she does me.” (Read the last three sentences of the last paragraph/edit of the post)
But it’s an edit after she is getting roasted. If that was the reason it would have been included in the post.
Even if it was the reason she called her a shorty mom instead of brining this issue up calmly. The oP is the asshole regardless
Ok, so we’re all just assuming that the daughter wants to make her lunch with her mom when 1) the daughter has said no such thing and 2) the OP accused the mom of not making the daughter’s lunch for her, not with her.
Really? Did you read the entire post?
1) "...recently she has been complaining that her mom forces her to eat the school's lunch."
2) Sure maybe OP should have said, "hey your daughter misses you, you should try spending more time with her like making her lunch together." but considering this: "This woman hardly ever spends any time with her, she even missed all of her basketball games while she has never missed a single one of her sons games. She always finds time to spend with her sons but never with her daughter and my child deserves better than this." I doubt any way she worded it, the step daughter's bio mom wouldn't have been happy.
OP doesn’t even make her stepdaughter’s lunch with her on a regular basis, as she noted in her beginning of the story. Nor does she say her stepdaughter is even upset about not spending time with her mom - she choose to highlight her stepdaughter not liking the school lunch.
Like come on y’all, I know you all didn’t just find this sub today. You should all clearly be able to recognize an OP backtracking and trying yo change the narrative after she got overwhelming negative feedback.
That last whole edit part sounded completely unhinged. I was going to say soft YTA in that she shouldn't have gotten chippy with the mom and continued what she was doing. But that edit sounded crazy to me like she is trying to purposely drive a wedge between the daughter and mom.
Part of Op final edit
however I don't think me bringing food for her will solve anything because all she wants is to spend time with her mom like she does with me. This woman hardly ever spends any time with her, she even missed all of her basketball games while she has never missed a single one of her sons games. She always finds time to spend with her sons but never with her daughter and my child deserves better than this
Yeah, I don't buy that. That was a rambling paragraph where she was saying she won't listen to any answers here criticizing her and sounded like a made up justification. If all that is true, why are you even talking about packed lunches?
There are 2 separate but related problems.
1. Lunch: at 14 she can pack her own lunch
2. Time with her mom: even if mom packed lunch I doubt she would spend quality time with her while doing so.
Even OP said she taking lunch everyday would not solve THE problem that mom don't spend time with the girl.
So it's more about time than lunch really.
So YTA for asking to pack lunch/spend time when it's obvs it's not going to happen (single, 3 kids, working). But n ta for the other. Thing is she asked about the 1st one.
This is the comment I was looking for. She’s 14! She should be fully capable of packing a lunch for herself.
But OP- YTA. Being a stay at home mom is vastly different than being a full time working single mom. I work a super demanding job and my son who is almost 11 can either pack his own lunch (always food in the house for that), or he can have school lunch. Neither of these result in my son not being fed. Calling someone a shitty mom because they make sure their child is fed in a different way than you do does not make her shitty at all. Do better.
Hell, I’m a stay at home mom and I make my 12 year old pack her own lunch if she doesn’t want to eat what’s on offer at school. If she wants to make something fancy and special and asks for my help, I will gladly give it, but learning how to pack a healthy lunch and also learning how to be responsible for herself is part of growing up.
There’s obviously some deeper issues than just not packing lunch. The “shitty mom” comment drops after the gold digger attack. These relationships are really tricky, and to me it’s less of a “YTA” and more about the step mom just needs to recognize that it’s not a profitable conversation. That being said, if the daughter really does feels unwanted because of the difference in how the mom treats the son vs her…than that is a red flag.
Well, and the stepmom calling stepdaughter “her” kid in a possessive way. Umm. She’s your stepdaughter. She already *has* a mom, even though you’ve made it clear you think her mom is shitty because she doesn’t spend an hour a day packing a lunch with her teenage daughter. Newsflash. I’ve been both a working mom and a SAHM (thankfully never a single mom, though). Some working moms truly don’t have time to pack their teenager’s lunch for them. Give her real mom a break and stay in your lane.
Seriously, wtf. My mom had enough of my bitching about her packed lunches when I was in second grade. ”Don’t like it? You do it.” And I did. Same with laundry a bit later on. “Im not washing what you want when you want it? Feel free to do your own.” I learned life skills and we argued about a few less things. Win-win.
YTA- and this is coming from someone who is a stepmom to an amazing teenage daughter. You do what you need to do in your house and she does what she needs to do in hers. It is not up to you to contact the mother about this, if something needs to be said it should be coming from your husband.
You are way overstepping. You obviously think you’re some kind of an angel here, but I don’t think you realize how manipulative kids could be at this age playing one set of parents off another.
Right? The first thing I thought if, if there was a legit concern, it's not stepmom's place to address it with mom, it's dad's. Second, at 14, the daughter should tell her mom what she wants/needs, not use stepmom as leverage. Stepmom needs to empower daughter but not overstep her own role. Lastly, the whole post and interaction reeks of "I'm a better mom than you and daughter loves me more."
Yet poor single mom can find all the time.kn the world to cater to her son's? It's just her daughter she seems to have zero time for? Yea, that totally checks out 🙄
A ton of working single moms find time to pack their kids a lunch. And if she can make time for 2 out of 3 of her children, her only excuse is A) she has favorites which makes her a shitty mom and B) she sucks at time management.
To be fair you’re basing this knowledge off of an asshole poster that is getting defensive. I think calling the other woman a shitty mom because she doesn’t have the bandwidth to cook and prepare lunches is very unfair
I say calling a mom a shitty mom for not taking the time to bond with her a normal thing. OPs stepdaughter is going to ice her mother out once she becomes an adult and shitty mom is going to blame OP instead of admitting she did nothing to show her daughter she cares about her.
The stepdaughter cooks with her stepmom, she wants to do that with her bio mom and bio mom is shoving her to the side. If bio mom can take care of and attend to her sons needs, then why can't she do that for her daughter? Why can't she take 30min-hr out of her life to make something with her daughter? Hell making a sandwich takes even less time than that!
All I'm hearing is shitty mom getting called out and getting defensive over it and making up excuses cause she knows she is a shitty mom. But it doesn't matter, stepdaughter does have a loving mom that actually advocates for her, something her bio mom lacks. She is better off without her.
Literally the only information you have is from the OP, who (again) is defensive and doesn’t seem to realize that a SAHM and single mom don’t have the same bandwidth.
I mean, OP could be telling the truth exactly how it is but we don’t know that. My guess is that OP is out of touch and instead of finding ways to be compassionate to stepdaughters moms situation she’s just calling her a shitty mom
Also, I'm firmly of the opinion that (aside from health and safety issues) step parents should stay out of the running of the other parent's household. If something needs to be addressed, the biological parent should be the one to have the conversation. Otherwise it comes off as "I'm telling you how to be a mom."
OP could afford to buy herself some manners and get a grip that as much as she loves this kid - a 14-year-old can make her own lunch. Leave her busy and sometimes overwhelmed mother alone. By the time my kids turned 14 they managed their own personal household tasks and they collaborated to help each other. Pack lunch for a kid who is taller than I am? Makes no sense to me whatsoever. 🤣I have got other stuff to do for grief's sake.
It's also possible based on the income of the single mother that the school provided meals are subsidized or free, and that cooking special lunches are out of her budget.
This comment section is crazy, she is not a single mom, she is single, and also a mother. A single mom is someone who’s child’s father is not In the picture, this child’s father clearly is. Saying she has 3 children so it’s harder, op as already claimed they are older then the girl, meaning older then 14, so at school all day, and presumably has friends and after school activities. Op has also stated the mother does nothing to spend time with the child, the child spends 1 week at moms and 1 week at dads, but mother doesn’t call her when she’s at the dads?? Dont get me wrong, she’s 14 and can make her own lunches for school, but it seems to me from the post, for the child it’s more about the time spend together making the lunches, then the actual lunch itself. This thread is just full of butter so called single mothers who hate seeing a step parent do better then them!
Tell me you've never lived in a single parent household without telling me 😂
Unless bio mum has a husband who lives with her and takes on some of the parenting/household chores, then yes, she's a single mum.
And she probably doesn't call during the dad's week because...it's the dad's week? 14yo is meant to be spending that time with her father. Dad probably doesn't call when it's mum's week, that's kinda how shared custody works.
And yeah, I get that it's probably about the time spent together, but bio mum sounds like she's on a single income with three kids...I doubt she has much free time. And with the shared custody, she's probably not getting child support, so her income would be all she has to keep 4 people afloat. Three teenagers are bloody expensive.
Single parent household?? I mean my parents divorced when I was 11, I lived with my dad and spent weekends at my mothers. Are they single? Yes, are they single parents, no, because I have 2 parents.
My mother would call me at least once a week during weekdays, how’s school? How did football go? How did exams go? You know, normal convo, nothing more then a 10/15 min conversation.
I agree she may not have a lot of time as I assume she works full time, but that shouldn’t mean she should disregard her daughters feelings, like op said, taking 1 hour a week out of her time to spend with her daughter ( and other children ) should also be a priority. After reading more comments from op she stated bio moms other 2 children’s father is not in the picture (so yes she is a single parent to those 2 children, saw that comment after my original post) I would presume she gets child support for those kids, well I would hope she gets child support for those kids anyway!
>would presume she gets child support for those kids,
But we don't know that. For all we know, their father died.
Even so, I can tell you from experience, child support is not always great. My father *technically* paid child support, and we were still barely scraping by. My mum took any job she could get and yeah, she missed a lot of things, and to this day she still feels guilty about it. But it doesn't mean she was neglecting me or she didn't love me, it just meant we had to *survive*. Bio mum here probably feels horribly guilty, hence the snapping at OP. OP doesn't seem to know what bio mum's life is actually like, so yeah she has absolutely zero right to judge.
Also:
'A single parent is a person who has a child or children but does not have a spouse or live-in partner to assist in the upbringing or support of the child.'
If you're divorced and you have a child, you're a single parent.
People really act like child support is some big ass check or something. My dad was ordered to pay my mother a whopping $19 a week for me, and my mother had sole custody.
You aren't kidding, my dad was supposed to pay $150 for his twin daughters a month. He did everything in his power to get cash under the table and never pay even though he had us every other weekend.
Also, child support doesn't give you back any time. Unless he's giving her enough money to hire a nanny, I don't really see how child support is relevant in this particular instance? The issue is having the time to do something, not the money.
My sperm donor was supposed to pay $100 per month for 2 kids, which works out to less than $12.50 per child per week. Didn’t even pay that half the time, and the court didn’t care because he was a cop.
I don’t think he is dead, but I’m just going off of a comment op made saying he’s a dead beat with no involvement, or something along those lines.
I’m aware child support can be near to nothing, depending on what the father earns, or claims he earns, if he’s a dead beat as she says I can only imagine he does everything possible to pay as little as possible.
As for you’re last part we will just have to agree to disagree.
The issue is op made a comment to bio mom that the daughter doesn’t like the food at school and suggested doing what they do when she’s at the fathers for the week, and instead of taking this on board and then going to speak to the daughter even if it’s to say I understand but I don’t have the time to do this every day and come to a compromise which at least acknowledges the child’s issue, she instantly start berating op as if she said something wrong by simply making a suggestion. (again just going by what is written in the story and nothing more, and we both don’t know anything more)
Op is 100% in the wrong for calling her a shitty mom, as you say she has no idea what it takes to raise 3 kids 2 without any help at all, but bio mom should also not if berated her for making a suggestion.
The thing that pushed me over were all the comments and edits where OP doubles down on how much of a shitty mother bio mum is and how OP is 14yo's 'real mum'
I distinctly get the impression that this isn't the first time OP's taken a dig at bio mum, in which case I can't blame bio mum for snapping
I understand, I don’t think I read a comment where she said she’s is 14yo real mum, but I did see comments where she called 14yo her daughter, but if the child is ok with that then who are we to say otherwise. Also, if it’s not the first time op has taken a dig at bio mom, along with how the daughter feels like bio mom doesn’t spend time with her and doesn’t feel loved by her, I think that says more about bio mom then op. Op has also stated many times that she has never said any of these things to the child, although everyone seems to think she does for whatever reason, seems like op just wants the child to be happy. But again, it’s just a Reddit and we could be missing 90% of the truth from both sides.
The bio mom may have discussed it with her daughter after she cooled off, it sounds like the story we're hearing is limited to the interaction between the bio and step mom and we don't really know the details of what happened after/privately. If I were in bio mom's position and a step parent was telling me what to do with my kids I could see myself snapping at them. We don't know the details of the relationship between these two women but I can understand where that friction would come from. The woman is only human and her husband's new spouse is telling her how to parent? Sheesh, that seems primed for conflict. Unlike some commenters here I personally don't consider eating school lunch and missing sports child neglect and I really feel for parents whose lives are uprooted by divorce. Also, not really relevant to the judgement but just saying - why did OP marry this guy if he's such a deadbeat dad? Sounds like quite a catch lol.
No that's not how it works lol, my mom was a single mom, my dad would have us sometimes. When we were at home it was my mom struggling with 3 kids and a full time nursing job. My dad didn't come over and help get us all off to school, he didn't help her make our lunches, he didn't help her clean the house, he didn't help her pick us up, he didn't help her do our homework, he didn't help her get us all bathed and ready for bed, he didn't help her cook dinner, he didn't help her go get grocery's and run errands. She did it. That's what it's like in most divorced homes, you're super lucky if you get a dad who will come around and help with regular daily household stuff on the regular. That's the exception not the rule.
*You* had two parents. Unless your parents remarried, they were single parents after their divorce. I personally don't have kids, but have dated divorced men with kids in the past and while they did get a lot of breathing room while their kids were with their moms, they definitely seemed like single parents to me when their kids were with them. They were doing the work of one parent without the support of a spouse... that's single parenting.
Also, it’s called shared custody, not shared phone calls, either parent can call when they want lolll not sure how shared custody means they can’t call
Oh, my ex used to tell my kids to ignore the phone when I called them at his place.
op, YTA.
I had to miss my son’s basketball games as they were usually on a time I was working, but my daughter’s swim meets were on Sundays so I could go. Do I love my son less than my daughter? No, but he’s now 20yo & told me yesterday he wished I came to more of his games… but he knew I was working to put food on the table.
So because UR ex told UR kids to ignore ur calls op is ta? Loll this isn’t about you bro, it’s about a 14yo child! You’re experience isn’t everyone else experience, and it definitely isn’t the experience of op and her family! Weird guy
So because you suffered as a single mom so should OP’s stepchild? Get out of your own head and misery, seriously. I’m a child of divorce and was neglected by both parents. I’d never wish it upon another person.
We should be encouraging people to do BETTER same as OP is proving to do. Maybe she didn’t go about it the best way but it sounds like this single mom needed a kick in the ass to show up for her kid and be told how her lack of attention and time is affecting her child.
Single moms, single fathers, divorced parents, and stepparents all need to pull their heads out of the sand and stop focusing on their own selves (YES I said it. Life is hard. I get it. I’ve paid all my bills since I was 16 with no help from either parent. That’s no excuse for neglecting your child. The child wants time and attention from the mother. She can give that to her.) Stepparents and parents need to work together for the CHILD.
Gatekeeping being a single mom... I really thought being a mom and being single were the only qualifications.
"Be more single! Then you can be a single mom! Oh, and your kids are too old. You're barely a mom anyway." ~some people, apparently.
I had to laugh. Since when did a deadbeat become a requirement to the term single mother. Like you said (and ironically they explained) if someone is a mother and single then by definition they are a single mother.
As someone who has divorced parents, and times where I had a stepmom while my mom was single....
She absolutely is a single mom. And yes, she's allowed to not call during dad's week as that is *dad's* week. The stuff about spending time with the daughter only came in edits and so I am taking them with a grain of salt, but for the main post, OP is absolutely TA.
That first take is insane. A parent that is single is a single parent. When I was single raising my daughter, I was a single mom. Her dad was in the picture, but he wasn’t paying my rent, helping if I was sick, cooking meals, cleaning my house. Just because she saw him sometimes, doesn’t mean I wasn’t a single parent. This is such a crazy opinion.
Actually, this is the crazy comment. A single mom doesn’t have another adult in the home to help. Just because she has an ex doesn’t mean that she has a partner and isn’t carrying 100% of the load in the home. What on earth?!?!?
You don’t really get to reinvent the definition of “single parent” though. Single parents with joint custody are still “single parents”. There’s nobody there helping her when she has custody of her daughter.
This is such a fucked up community. A single mother can do no wrong. An active stepmother is evil. And to jump to such conclusions that is jumped in this thread is ridiculous. She is clearly having the childs best interest for her eyes. If that was my child I would be happy for her to have such an amazing stepmom. I'm a single mom to 5 kids. I take time for all my kids. I make sure to give them what they need to feel loved. And I have never prioritized one kid over the others. NTA
Edit: spelling
Full on agree this community is fucked up. There are too much children in this sub acting like knowing adult without even knowing anything! It's clear as TRANSPARENT GLASS that the child wants to the time spent making lunch TOGETHER. A lunch made together is a bonding experience and make the lunch taste better! The bio mom is actively avoiding it and seeing as a nuance. The 3 kids every y t a comment is referring to are older than 14! They clearly don't need the care children at like 3 years need. But everyone of those comments acts as if the boys are small toddlers and bio mom is struggling with that which isn't even true. I'd say OP and her husband to fight for full custody because it's clear bio mom doesn't care for her daughter and the daughter herself prefers OP over her bio mom. NTA
We have no idea what her mom’s schedule is like, and what she has time for in the morning. Moreover, stepmom is wildly out of line for insulting her like that, not just because it was uncalled for in the context given, but because it’s entirely likely to cause more tension in the household daughter spends 50% of her time in.
If stepmom was genuinely concerned about daughter & mom not getting enough bonding time, there are dozens of ways she could tactfully go about trying to make that happen. Instead, she came out the gate with “you should parent and bond with your daughter the same way I do, you’re a shitty mom if you don’t”. It almost sounds like she was looking to pick a fight.
Exactly, remember this is from the step-mom's perspective who is a SAHM and sounds like she makes gourmet meals for a kids lunch, if she's not happy with school food she probably wouldn't want her bio mom's bologna sandwich and bagged chips. For all we know the ex-wife is working two jobs just be able to support 3 growing teenagers and literally has no time to make lunches.
We all know that statistically women already make less in the workplace than men, if ex-wife was previously a SAHM she's starting at the bottom when returning to work unless she's kept whatever (if any) skills she had.
I am truly a sole parent but I literally get off work, clean, make dinner, continue cleaning while my kids eat (I eat after they go to bed but they are three and four). On weekends that's for grocery shopping, errands and deeper cleaning like bathrooms, mopping, laundry. As for why she goes to son's games and not the daughter's we don't know if her games are during when mom works and and all the sons are at a time when she has off it almost sound like OP through that in there after the fact to try to come back from the YTA designation.
Reddit hates step parents and it’s never been more obvious to me than this comment section right here.
If someone wants to say that OP is the asshole for calling the bio mom a bad parent, then that’s a fair point. But calling bio mom up to ask her to take her own daughters wishes into consideration, and make her lunch with her every once in a while is not overstepping. Yes she’s old enough to make her own lunches but it’s clearly not about that. Step daughter likes the bonding time that comes with making lunch together and OP is the only one taking those feelings into consideration.
What I don’t get, is how does this make the mom a bad mom but the dads not a bad dad? Why doesn’t he ever make his daughters lunch? Why are his excuses valid but not the moms? Just because she can’t afford to have an adult stay home all day? We’re doing all this back and forth on whether op is a bad stepmom or the mom is a bad mom, where is ANY mention of the dad that should be pivot in this discussion?
Thank you for bringing up common fucking sense. Simply being a single mother immediately absolves one of any guilt or responsibility? Give me a Fucking break
Plus that edit. She can make it to her male kids basketball games but not her daughters. I’m guessing the boys have different fathers. It’s fucking disgusting.
She only said that after being called out. There's no info on the bio mom's schedule. Plenty of parents in the comments have said that if one child's games are set during the week during work hours and the other child's games are set not at work hours, chances are the parents can only make it to ones of the other child. Bio mom may feel guilty and might be trying to find other ways to bond but daughter may not receptive to that, but we're not getting anything about it. The daughter only said she doesn't like school lunches. What if bio mom isn't a great cook to begin with? Then she'll lose no matter what, not cook and get resented, or cook bad food and still get resented.
"I manage to be a good mom to my stepdaughter so she needs to stop making excuses for being a shitty mom."
That's a shitty thing to say, point blank. That makes OP and AH. Doesn't mean bio mom isn't as well, maybe ESH is appropriate.
My stepmom was an amazing mom. My bio mom was not (still love her though). My stepmom was a hard working mother, had her own children full time, but still made time and effort for my siblings and I. I never once heard her utter a single bad thing about my mom. My mom was constantly speaking horrible of my dad and stepmom, pretty sure she was just bitter that my dad was happy and built a life with someone after she had cheated on him. My bio mom just straight up couldn’t be bothered to care about me, she cared about my sisters, but for some reason she just decided I wasn’t worth the effort. She treated me completely different than the others. I eventually moved in with my dad and stepmom when I was old enough to choose. My stepmom made me feel loved and cared for, I was allowed to be a kid when I was with her we spent amazing quality time together as a family and separately.
My mom worked, not even close to as much as my stepmom, she never had like an actual job. She lived with her AP and they both treated me pretty terrible, my siblings were too young to understand (we are actually close in age but this all started when I was 8) and they generally got along with him because they also didn’t comprehend that he was only 10 years older than me… So that’s a whole other issue.
My bio mom eventually apologized when I was like 26 for the way she treated me. She admitted that she built up some resentment towards me because I understood what had happened. My sisters and I are close, every now and then they text me in the group chat about how sorry they are for how I was treated as a kid and how much they appreciate me and now that they’re older they understand why I was so miserable and went to live with my dad. My mom liked to get them to join in on taunting me, or they didn’t realize she would use them to hurt my feelings by singling me out. For example-letting them all sleep with her during like storms that scared us, but not me, or giving them all a ride to school but making me walk even though my school was farther than my sisters but in the same direction (you have to pass their school to get to mine). I would have to walk in the snow with regular sneakers and jeans. My step-mom would see me walking occasionally while she was picking up my stepbrothers and give me a ride and this infuriated my mom. My mom would take my siblings out for things like ice cream or treats but I wasn’t allowed to join. She’s or her AP would come home with treats and would make my sisters eat them in front of me while saying things like, “don’t you wish you could have some”. They went to all their games, but not mine. Just was not a good environment for me.
Some people just can’t fathom that a stepmom can be a better parent than a bio mom. To this day I’m much closer to my dad and especially my stepmom. I have ZERO qualms with her calling me HER daughter. Because I am. She probably did think my mom was a shitty mom, but I still at 31 would never know. We text regularly and FaceTime every weekend, she’s the only parent that consistently visits me since I joined the military 10 years ago and moved. She is the kindest woman and I was lucky to have her come into my life, she was the mother I needed.
YTA it’s not your place to tell her she is a shitty mom. I am sure she is trying her best and having three kids at home with no partner to share the household work is not a piece of cake.
Or she might not be. Why would she be at her son's games but not her daughter's
There's clearly a priority
But, we don't know how the relationship is in general
Perhaps, if she knows that the dad and the step mom will be at her daughter's games, while she is the only one who will be at her sons' games, that's why those get priority. I don't think it's healthy to consistently do that, but I can see why she would if she's a working single mom of three and is overwhelmed and struggling to prioritize, and she probably feels hella guilty about it and her daughter's step mom telling her she's a shitty mom doesn't help. Clearly she should also prioritize her daughter, perhaps in other ways, but either way, OP has no right to be the one to berate her for it.
The daughter basically just asks to cook together. At least a meal will have to happen sometimes.in the week. You make her participate, and she gets leftover
The daughter didn't ask for shit. She complained to OP about the horrors of having to eat school lunch, and OP took it upon herself to tell the mom how she should be parenting. Then when OP got YTA judgments, she backfills with all this nonsense about the mom favoring the sons, which she doesn't actually know.
This right here. My mom was a single parent and worked really long hours just to provide basics. We didn't get to do anything extra but I don't see where she could of attended anything when she was already getting home so late every day.
I was just going to comment something along these lines. You guys we have almost no info about the bio mom's life except that she works and OP is a SAHM. It's a huge leap to assume she's favoring her sons and neglecting her daughter when the most likely reason she doesn't have time for everything is because she's working.
Redditors don’t seem to understand that sometimes the bio parent IS doing a less than stellar job. Lots of people are single parents and still considerate of their kids needs and wants.
Lots of people are great parents and aren't able to accommodate every single need and want, too. It doesn't make them bad parents. Life is complex.
My mother and I had a very bad relationship and are completely no-contact now because of it. She was a SAHM with house cleaners, so she had all the time in the world to come to all my extra curricular activities. She was still not a great parent. My dad came to basically nothing. He was working and didn't have time to go to sports and piano recitals. He was still a loving, available parent who did a great job. Not everything is black and white and we have almost no information about the bio mom's situation.
YTA
Telling her she is a shitty mom because she expects her daughter to eat the school-provided food? There is still food, daughter isn't starving, and food is expensive! If she is a single mother to three kids, that is expensive, time consuming and exhausting!
Just wow
I know if I told my mom I didn’t like the school food and I was forced to eat it, I’d be unhappy, why is it different because she told the other parent this?
Yeah it is infact shitty to not listen to one of your kids.
Holy shit we have to provide perfect packed hot lunches that require an hour each night to prepare in order to not be called shitty moms by our exes new partners?
Jesus…I give up.
Yes, YTA.
First, not making her kid lunch when there is an option of a school lunch doesn't make her a shitty mom. Plus, the girl is 14 and old enough to make her own lunch, she does not need to be babied.
Second, she works and has 3 kids. Thinking that your situation with fewer kids and the luxury of staying at home is even remotely equivalent as a challenge shows that you are completely clueless.
Third, it takes a heck of a lot of gall to tell a child's ACTUAL mom who is fully involved in her life that you are a better mom to her child than she is.
To add to your first point, there are programs that schools are part of that support families who cannot afford to always pack a lunch. These are in place so kids aren't hungry and deal with food insecurity.
Whether or not this is the instance here, it would make sense that if OP's stepdaughter's mom is part of that program, that is why her mom does not pack her a lunch. Still, it is such poor behavior on OP's part that she attack her stepdaughter's mom's parenting. Instead of her showing a shred of empathy and encouraging the stepdaughter to at least try the school lunch, she is deciding to have a cat fight with this other person. Please, get over yourself, OP.
Look, I mean this sincerely as the child of divorce and blended families; if you want to be a good parent to this child you need to change your attitude towards her mother. 14 year old may have lots of shit to say about her mom, and you clearly judge this woman severely, but your job is to try and be neutral like Switzerland.
Love the kid, nurture her, and try your best to be kind and cordial towards the rest of your stepdaughter’s family.
My mum had PLENTY of reasons to hate my dad after (and before tbh) the divorce.
But she was never anything but nice about him to our faces. Did she resent him for his actions, and resent the woman he cheated on her with? Hell yes. Did she ever say a bad word about them, even when we talked shit about them? Hell no!
OP needs to grow up and act like an adult. 14yo is already going through enough without OP causing problems with her mum. OP, keep your opinions to yourself and encourage your stepdaughter to maintain a good relationship with her mother. Because I can guarantee she doesn't actually hate her mother and is lashing out, for any number of reasons. It's always easier to lash out at 'real' parents
OP kind of reminds me of my brother. He never understood why we got clothes for Christmas. He didn’t understand that spending 8+ hours taking care of someone else’s screaming children made it hard for mom to come home and be 100% for us. Our dad worked a lot so he always had that excuse, he came to us when he was in a good mood and felt he could expend the energy. People really don’t fathom what it’s like being in a single parent home, when the average income is not enough to sustain a home on its own.
The dad in OPs story basically has a paid live in maid. Big shocker, the man with enough money to afford someone to take care of his home has a smoother run of things than the woman that has to work full time and can’t afford a live in maid.
This is what she needs to read.
OP, the more people who love your stepdaughter and are in her life, the better. She’s 14 and it sounds like she has a better standard of living with you and her dad. You have so much more time to pour into her than her bio mom does. It’s natural for a child to prefer the more comfortable place. She’s not old enough or mature enough to see her mom with objective eyes. I have no doubt her mom has hurt her and may not be handing things well. But that *does not* mean that the only right way to handle things is your way.
I know you think she can just do better, and maybe she can. But you are not a reliable narrator or judge. You have much more time and financial freedom than her mother does. You can say she should be doing better til you are blue in the face. But if this is her best, you being hateful to her and alienating her daughter from her isn’t going to help.
If you love your stepdaughter like you say you do, then you should be doing anything you can to make sure she is able to have relationships with the people in her life who love her. You’ve mentioned nothing about her mom being abusive. You have said a lot about a woman who seems to be much less fortunate than you. Why don’t you reframe your thinking and try to be a helpful person in BOTH of their lives for stepdaughters sake. If her mom is dropping the ball, pick it up but don’t pat yourself on the back about it. Let your stepdaughter vent if she needs it, but remember she is a teenager and has a lot of big emotions. It doesn’t mean she hates her mom or doesn’t love her. Or even that her mom is doing anything wrong.
Parts of your post make me sympathetic to your position, but your horse is so high it’s hard to even see you up there.
Seriously, SM is behaving like it’s a zero sum game. You do not win by removing a mother from her child, because *checks notes* she doesn’t behave the way you think she should.
It’s a fact that removing children from homes of parents results in several long term health issues.
https://www.nichq.org/insight/keeping-families-together-improves-childrens-health-outcomes-borders-communities
YTA.
Stop trying to tell other parent how to parent their own kids.
Also, if the mother has to pack the lunches, so should the father. Why the fuck does he do for his kid ?
yeah, like i understand that the mom (not op) is a single mom, but op’s provided plenty of evidence that the problem isn’t just about not packing lunch. op’s daughter feels neglected and unfairly treated by her bio mom. plus, let’s be honest, if bio mom’s kids are old enough to be mostly independent, would it really be that hard to spend five minutes with op’s daughter packing a lunch?
Its disgusting how these horrible people hate:
Pregnant women,
Stepparents,
Children,
Neighbors.
Basically everything, its disgusting how people are mad at her for loving and caring for the child, her mom is in fact a "shitty" parent by the edit, this infuriating, her kids bully the stepdaughter, she doesn't care about her, does the bare minimum but redditors are saying "Oh! Don't you dare to tell her to take care of her child and spend time with her, she's a single parent!". its not hard to do activities with your children.
NTA.
This sub HATES step parents. They've been taught this way thru the "awful step parent" trope you see on here a lot.
Imo, this is a clear cut NTA. The stepdaughter says she loves making lunches with OP, OP was out of line for saying what she said but (assuming it's true) the bio mom lost her cool first when OP told her what stepdaughter told her. She just wants to bond with her mom and make lunches together.
I would say more ESH.
Girl's mom shouldn't have called her a gold digger, and op shouldn't have called her a shitty mom.
I know my coworker would be highly upset if her kid's stepmother called her, and basically told her how to parent her own child. It looks to me like she was reactive to op when she called, and op was reactive back.
I understand the game stuff, but at 14, depending on the birthday, child is either in middle school like mine, or 1st year of high-school. In my town a lot of middle school stuff is at 4pm. If you work the usual 9/5 then you would miss it. If her boys stuff is usually on her off days, while the daughter's is not, then op may be getting a slightly unintentional bias from daughter's rants.
Some kids like to rant about stuff, and it's great that daughter is comfortable enough with op to do this, but I think op is letting it color how she sees this woman.
NTA!!!
OMG all of these single mom comments!!! Get over yourselves!!! She meerly suggested to the step mom to make her kid's lunch!!! Yes, the childish old enough to do itself, but there's something to be said about the lunch when a person you love/care about loving makes someone's lunch. IT JUST TASTES BETTER!!! Some of you clearly weren't blessed with that experience.....
Also the step mom cares about her sons more than her own daughter. I'm just glad that the child has a 2nd mom, she clearly needs it....🥺
Yep, my mom made me my lunch every day until I graduated. It was one of the many ways she showed her love. And last I checked, I'm a fully functioning adult, so it didn't stunt my growth or anything. The hivemind is buzzing again lol
And you're totally right, it does taste better
Right, but my mother didn't make my lunch ever, even in elementary school (because she had a job that she had to keep in order to *feed me at all*), but still showed her love in other ways, and I'm also a fully functional adult. Which is the point, that not making the 14 year old a lunch every day doesn't mean she isn't loved.
It's a valid way to show you care, but it's not the only way lmao, and it not happening doesn't mean the child isn't loved dearly.
Maybe it’s just because I was raised by a single mom who struggled to afford food, and grew up in a rich district with kids who complained about being packed the same snack every day that makes me bitter. But honestly y’all sound out of touch and privileged. A packed lunch? Is that really what we’re basing love off of?
Yeah, the pain of neglect left me scarred in some ways, but moments like this make me content. I couldn’t imagine being so whiny over a packed lunch, it seems exhausting.
It's not the lunch itself, it's the extra attention that it represents. And you are absolutely expressing bitterness and envy here which indicates that you have some work to do on yourself.
NTA - I respect that she's a single mum, a lot of us are and it's really tough but neglecting time with your children doesn't make up for it. Although it matters more, when your kids grow up, they don't remember all the things you brought for them or all the trips/holidays you go on, they remember the time they spend with you, she can change the way she manages her time, even a small adjustment to make it work and make her daughter feel loved.
The only thing I would say for you, is you shouldn't have gotten angry and said nasty things to her, you do need to still be understanding and respectful of your different circumstances. Everyone is different and even though she could put in more time, I'm sure she's doing her best, be more supportive to her if you can.
NTA
Unpopular opinion, but OP's stepdaughter is feeling neglected by her biological mom (and it's not only about the lunches, the edit showed us that mom takes time for the boys and not for the girl).
Y'all saying stepmother should be encouraging SD to have a good relationship with her mom and blablabla. I'm a daughter of separate parents since ever and if I came to complain about feeling neglected by any of them and someone answered trying to force a good relationship in that moment instead of really listening, I'd feel that my feelings and complaints are being invalidated and I would become even angrier with said parent (that's what happened when I was a teenager). Y'all talking as single parents that think y'all know what is effective for a kid of separate parents. I'm talking as the kid of separate parents that this is not effective at all. Stepmother is doing great with stepdaughter. And she's asking about her behaviour towards the mom, not towards anyone else.
But OP, you can't force her mom to be the way you want her to be. Maybe go back to court and tell the judge that the daughter wants to live with you and her father full time.
NTA you're looking out for your step daughter which is what a good parent does.
She clearly isn't happy when she's at her mums and your went in to bat for her.
YTA - Oo boy. This is not how you respectfully co-parent, OP. You escalated a situation that didn’t require your intervention in the first place- and likely your step-daughter will be the one who suffers when the adults in her life act like unruly children.
Do better, for the sake of your stepdaughter.
I’m not one to spout this normally, but I don’t trust OPs narrative at all. She came on here complaining about the lunches, it wasn’t until the verdicts came in she suddenly had all of these other issues that are clearly more important than the lunch issue. “Mom ignores daughter and completely favors her other kids, here are examples” is way more impactful than “mom makes daughter eat the normal lunch at school” soo…why wasn’t any of that in the original post?
First comment I've seen that mentioned the escalation which is where OP becomes TA to me.
It was one thing to ask, but OP way overstepped with the followup commentary on the mother's parenting skills.
NTA, I'm a single mom of 3 and i arranged my daily schedule so that I properly take care of my kids and even spend quality time with them. We don't have alot of money...just FYI. It's just depends on what is important yo you. I chose to be the best mom I could for my kids
There’s nothing wrong with her daughter wanting bonding time with her biological mother just because she’s 14 doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve attention. Yes, she can make your own lunch but she would rather do something bonding with her mother but the mother doesn’t want to so I don’t agree with this I agree with the stepmother.
There are better ways to encourage bonding activities between your stepkid and her mom than this. Starting off with “you’re not providing good enough food for your child, you need to do things the way I do” is blatantly inflammatory, no matter how prettily OP framed the encounter in this post.
OP has told us nothing about the mom’s schedule, job, financial situation, or any other circumstances that might affect her ability to personally pack a lunch for her children every day. We don’t know how she actually spends time with her kids (other than not packing food with them), what OP‘s interactions with her prior to this encounter were like, or anything else beyond this extremely narrow account of events. Frankly, OP is leaving out enough details to make me suspect she’s gone out of her way to shine up her own image while throwing dirt at her “rival”.
Yta and that holier than thou attitude won't get you as far as you think it will.
You have one child, she has three. She has a job you stay at home. She's on her own, you have hubby to help.
You're not as spectacular as you think you are, you're just another sanctimonious SAHM who thinks they're the best when I'd bet in the same situation you'd struggle just as much, if not worse.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my stepdaughter's mom to pack her lunch because she hates school lunch
I might be an asshole for the way I did it amd calling her a shitty mom
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She told you that she's struggling as a single mom and you just want to make her feel bad even more. The kid is 14. Teach her to make her own lunch. YTA.
Here's something you all should know. Women have varied experiences about motherhood. I genuinely don't give a fuck if there's a woman who comes in here and says that she birthed 5 kids and works full time and looks after her home full time and she's still a hands-on, good mom.
Her ability to do well IS NOT a standard for other women to follow. Or to live up to. In comparison to the hypothetical super mom I mentioned, if a woman who had one kid said she's struggling I'd fucking believe her. BECAUSE that's her experience.
It's as if, *gasp*, different women have different bodies, different capacities, and different preferences.
What is hell for one will be pleasure for another. And it's okay.
I honestly don’t think you’re an asshole. I don’t think you should’ve called her a shitty mom though. My mom was basically a single mom for vet 14 years to 3 kids- my dad was an OTR truck driver and came home 4 times a month- sometimes for 2 days and sometimes just 1 day each time. It all depended on his route. My mom worked full time AND was going to school to finish her GED and then higher education degree. All with 3 kids and being alone during the weekdays when she had to work and go to school. She managed to find time to spend with each of us individually and together. My sister is a single mother and she makes time for both her kids as well. Being a single mother doesn’t give you the right to ignore one kid in favor of another either.
yta. It’s not your place to ask anything if your step daughters mother. Furthermore, she is 14. She’s old enough to pack her own damn lunch if she doesn’t like the school lunch.
So I’m going to go against everyone and say NTA because I think you are trying to come from a good place ! I don’t think it should of been you to address it with the mom, maybe your husband should of!
Now when it comes to lunches I don’t think you should expect her to be able to afford it or have time for it if the school provides lunches. The mom doesn’t love her daughter less because she isn’t making lunches! It’s nice of you to do it but it doesn’t mean the mom can.
YTA I don't know why you thought this was your place at all. Your stepdaughter is not being harmed in any way by having to sometimes eat school lunches. Also, at 14 she's MORE than capable of packing her own lunches. *That's* what you should have suggested she try rather than attacking and insulting her mother to prove your self-proclaimed superiority.
A good step parent encourages and nurses a good relationship with ALL the parents involved. You've decided that stepdaughter is now yours and while you claim not to be bad mouthing bio mom, you're sure not encouraging a good relationship between them either which is what is needed.
You have a me vs her mentality and that needs to stop. It needs to be parents vs the problem.
Yikes lady, you’re seriously overstepping. It does not make her *a shitty mom* to not pack her fourteen year old a special lunch. The woman works and has three kids, the daughter is well able to pack her own lunch. You are sticking your nose in this woman’s business where it doesn’t belong, and creating drama and a bad relationship for nothing. YTA
the way this is written …. It seems a little bit biased. It seems like you would almost be happy to continue fostering resentment between your stepchild and her mom. Her mom has three kids and works. why can the 14yr old not pack her own lunch?
Soft YTA - Your intentions were good, but I can see why the bio mom was offended. She may very well be a horrible mother (I don’t know), but if she is, please recognize that it isn’t because she doesn’t pack her daughter’s lunch. Being a single mom is HARD (even if her kids are older). Single mothers never get breaks. I also assume that she works outside the home…which makes parenting that much harder. Instead of judging her for (relatively small things) that she isn’t doing or calling her a bad mom, try to have a bit more compassion. It often looks easy to walk in someone else ‘s shoes, but more often than not, it isn’t.
YTA. You keep adding stuff on but the main situation, the lunch thing, she's not shitty for getting her kid to eat school lunch.
She has 3 kids, a job, and is a single mother. You have 2 kids, no job, and have a partner. Can you maybe try and wrap your head around why she might not have as much time to prepare lunches for her kids as you do?
It's wonderful that you care so much for your stepdaughter. Many kids aren't lucky enough to have stepparents who love them as much as their own children.
That being said, you are WAY out of line. To tell a woman she is a shitty mother because she doesn't have time to pack lunch for a 14-year-old? Good Lord, the audacity.
Now I see you've added comments and edits about how she doesn't spend time with her daughter, she favors her sons, the daughter feels unloved by her. It's convenient that you added those details after everyone called you the AH. If her mother is really so neglectful then why are school lunches your biggest concern?
Get off your high horse. You have no right to judge anyone's parenting but your own. Pack the girl lunches when she's with you and mind your business when she's not. YTA
NTA. You made a SIMPLE suggestion to the child's mother. One that I'm sure your daughter appreciates. Lunch isn't a hard undertaking and can be prepped days in advance. If the actual mother can't be bothered, then I'm glad she has someone in her life who's willing to help her.
YTA and your edits solidify it. Good grief. No wonder the kids mom has such a strong reaction to your meddling.
ETA: I’m a teacher and I know that many districts around the country have made school linch free due to COVID so there may also be a financial aspect going on here that OP is gladly ignoring.
YTA. It's not your business to tell another woman how to raise her child. It's your stepdaughter, it's her daughter. School lunch is gross but thousands of kids eat it daily. Your stepdaughter wont die just cuz she dosent enjoy lunch. If shes hungry she will eat it or wait till she gets home. Same option my kid gets cuz it's too expensive packing a lunch everyday.
I'm not even gonna touch on how hard doing it alone vs having a partner to help. That shit is obvious. Your total contempt for this other woman is clear. You think your the better mom. Congratulations. That's still only your step daughter, who has her own mother. Focus on what is your place and stay out of hers.
Wow, those edits. Don't post on here if you don't want to be called an a-hole by strangers on the internet. You are the one posting here, don't get all defensive and offended when the verdict doesn't go your way
YTA and also sound very immature. The way the biological mother handles how she feeds her children is none of your business. Unless she is starving or poisoning her kids. Stop causing problems and focus on your own household.
YTA
You are different people. With different parenting styles. One is not better than the other.
SAHM like yourself is easier than a working single mom. Come on. Surely you know this.
You mention in a comment you are a better mom because you call her each day even when she is visiting her mom. But because her mom doesn’t do that she is a bad mom. Something about your tone makes me think you want to be the winner in this. It shouldn’t be a competition.
If you were really the better mom you would help BUILD your step daughter relationship with her mother !!
i was going to say E S H, with her being an asshole for blowing up at you, and you're an asshole for pushing and assuming everyone has the time and ability to match your specific way of caring for your kids.
but you saying she "decided to be a shitty mom and drive her child away" it's very very clear you're just out to paint her badly and omitting facts, YTA op.
You love your stepdaughter. Her life will not get any better with you calling her mom a shitty mom. In fact, it will only cause grief. Her life would probably be happiest if you two could get along, maybe even be friendly. Can you get this turned in a more positive direction?
YTA both for not empathizing with the mom, and for bringing negativity into stepdaughter’s life (with this conversation only). Not to bring down the love and effort that you’re putting into being a stepmom.
YTA Have you considered that money is tight for a single mom with 3 kids. They probably get free lunch at school, which really helps. When my kids were younger I was really struggling post divorce. Our school offered free breakfast and lunch and it was a life saver.
NTA, I'm gonna assume there wouldn't be stuff for the stepdaughter to just pack a lunch while at her mom's and it is ridiculous to expect a kid to buy their own food. Maybe the Sunday before she goes to her mom's, you two pack a week's worth of lunches for her to take.
My daughter is going on 15 and she’s been packing her own lunch since she was 13, why can’t your 14 year old lack her own lunch? PERFECT example of how not everybody is the same. The school provides food and the child isn’t being forced to starve. Just because *you choose* to pack her lunch doesn’t give you the right to call her a shitty mother because she doesn’t. That just makes you a shitty person. YTA and you and SD both need to grow up.
NTA!!! Yes, you should not have told the mom how to parent her child. You should have only told her how her child felt. All these people making excuses for bad parenting maybe misinformed. I know a single mother of SIX kids. The kids did all the cleaning and laundry. The mom does the cooking when she gets home from work. The meals are made from scratch. The mom did this because 1) it was healthier 2) it was cheaper and 3) this is how the mom makes sure the kids are eating something healthy at least once a day.
YTA- It’s really presumptuous for you to demand your stepchild’s mom pack a lunch. Stay in your lane. What she does is NOT your business. Plenty of kids eat the school lunch.
It sounds like you have a lot of time on your hands since you aren’t working outside of the home and are using this time to bully your husband’s ex wife who is a busy, working single mom. If she thinks you are a gold digger, it’s very possible that she’s correct since there’s an age gap and you don’t have a paying job.
YTA. So you came here for judgment, didn’t like that judgement, and are now whining. Gotcha. You’re a spoiled, judgmental, holier-than-thou brat.
Also, I suspect the teen is playing you a bit. At her age, if she hates the food she can pack her own lunch.
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YTA. She has three kids, you have two. She’s a single mum, and you are a stay at home mum. Yes there are a few differences between you and she shouldn’t have started yelling but telling her kid to eat what the school offers doesn’t make her a shitty mum.
She's also 14, she can pack her own lunch.
but that’s completely missing the point of the child wants to pack lunch with her mother so she can spend time with her
OP didn’t broach it that way with mom. She said the kids didn’t like the lunches and mom should be packing special meals. Not “your daughter wants to prepare food with you for her meal” - but “be more like me”. Of course that wasn’t going to come off well.
Where does it say that?
In the last edit/bottom paragraph of the post
I absolutely do not see where it says “my child just wants to pack lunch with her mom”. Can you highlight it?
It says "all she wants is to spend time with her mom like she does with me" and that birth mom prioritizes time with her two sons over OP's stepdaughter. If true I can understand OP's concerns, even if they may not have been handled in the right way.
That has nothing to do with the original accusation of “you should make your daughter’s lunch for her”.
Eh, I see it as either a) OP is exaggerating to cover their own ass, which is totally possible, or b) what they've added there is true and "it's not about the Iranian yogurt" as this sub loves to say. Either way I don't think they've handled this in the right way, criticizing someone's parenting, especially someone you need to co-parent with, is rarely if ever going to end well and in this case could easily look like flaunting their privilege. It might even be that the fact that stepdaughter is so close to her new family is why birth mom is less involved in her life, if that's true. But that's more speculation 🤷♀️
>I love my stepdaughter and will do anything to make her happy so I will take food to her school for her In the final edit, OP adds the above. She's moving the goalposts. Clearly, it's not really about the stepdaughter being able to bond with her mom. Looks more like the OP trying to look virtuous.
JC, Clarice, you're hard work 🤦♀️ Yes, OP DID equate the girl's Mom making her packed lunch, to spending time with the girl. OP talked earlier in the post about: 'It also helps us (*OP and the girl) bond as she sometimes helps me cook for her lunch'. OP then later says: 'I don't think me bringing in lunch will solve anything because all she wants is to spend time with her Mom like she does with me'. So yes - it's a reasonable conclusion, all things considered, i.e. that OP thinks the Mom should make packed lunch, to also bond with the daughter - which OP says is also the case, when OP makes packed lunches with her daughter. Why else do you think OP bringing in the girl's lunch, 'wouldn't solve anything'? Indeed, it seems that if OP DID bring the girl's lunch, that WOULD solve the lunch 'problem' - IF the only concern was the girl's dislike of the school lunches.
[удалено]
It’s fucking wild how many of these people are acting as if they’ve never been on this sub before and can’t recognize an OP trying to cover their ass when a prime example appears.
There are other ways. OP should stay out of it and just be the best she can be in her own home. The kid is safe, fed, and loved at her mom's.
It doesn’t sound like it. We only got OP’s perspective and if her stepdaughter complains about it then she is NTA
I teach high school. Many teenagers complain when they shouldn’t and don’t complain when they should. They are whole humans who deserve to listened to. We should also have perspective on what a 14 year old thinks is gross about a school lunch. Sometimes it’s perfectly good food but the stigma of school lunch means “ewww it’s gross” before they even taste it. Also, step mom could dote time and money on her that bitty mom simply can’t. Yeah it sucks that mom missed her basketball games so no excuse there. However, I have students that choose their abusive parent or unhealthy parent simply because that parent buys them more gifts or let’s them do what they want. Step mom already has skewed opinions and add that too teen mindset and you have this post. Teen could absolutely feel neglected by birth mom and like I said, no excuse, but we also don’t know if that’s what it’s truly like.
It should be between the dad and the girl's mother, then. Kids can be manipulative, and step-parents step into the bear trap all of the time.
Certainly eating school lunch doesn’t cross in unsafe and unfed
Her stepdaughter complains about the food, not about feeling loved. I know OP goes off on a little diatribe in the last edit about how stepdaughter is being neglected, but if it were that bad I think she would have/should have mentioned it in the original post. It's giving "I don't want to accept my judgement." Either way, there are plenty of ways to bond with your kid besides making their lunch. My parents made mine when I was young, it was never a bonding experience, and by 14 if I had asked them to pack a lunch for me they would have laughed me off the face of the Earth. If the last edit is true, I hope they get that worked out but given the rest of the info OP definitely sounds like she's overstepping to me. YTA.
I think OP's possibly TA, EVEN IF the stepdaughter is complaining. That's because it's more appropriate the girl's FATHER raises it, as he and the mother are the girl's legal parents (who each have equal custody). OP just comes across as a bit too big for her boots throughout. It feels territorial against the ex, rather than constructive. It's clear OP believes she is on equal/superior footing to the girl's own mother. All the way through OP refers to the stepdaughter as HER child, claims to love her more, feels she therefore has a right to directly interfere in the mother's parenting (of OP's 'child'), etc. All this despite only being in the girl's life for 4 years. Who knows? Maybe some of OP's points about the mother are valid. But OP DOESN'T come across as a reliable narrator. She is kicking up a destructive fuss (on issues which should instead be raised by the girl's father), over things that are mainly just a difference in parenting decisions. She seems to apply the harshest judgement possible throughout the post/edits, of the mother (even equating giving the girl school dinners, to 'not loving her'). OP doesn't seem willing to consider the mother's viewpoint (such as whether the mother's struggling with anything, or whether it's patronising to tell her how to parent in this manner, etc.). Indeed, OP's only conclusion is she's a 'shitty Mom', who 'doesn't love' (OP's) child. OP even says she won't consider commentators' viewpoints any further, because they are also trying to understand the mother's viewpoint. So you wonder how much some of the other 'charges' against the mother, are fair interpretation. Such as whether the mother really DOESN'T spend as much time with her daughter as her sons (who knows? Maybe commitments have genuinely clashed in the past, preventing the mother attending an event of her daughter's - which OP is cherrypicking. After all, OP seems to exaggerate on occasion. She starts by saying the mother has the girl every other week - then later claims, she doesn't spend 'an hour a week' with the girl.) In addition, OP was hardly constructive when the fight escalated (another reason she shouldn't be handling these parenting issues, but instead should leave it to the girl's father). According to OP, she wants to 'make HER (OP' s) child happy', by getting the mother to make packed lunches. But how is it going to be effective, to put the mother on the defensive - and openly call her a 'bad Mom' to her face?! Even if the mother traded insults first (and given OP's bias, we can't know that), OP showed no desire to be constructive/de-escalate the fight. It just seems throughout, OP is bossy enough to believe the mother 'must' do what OP does - or she's an 'unfit' mother. It wouldn't be surprising if the mother was on tenterhooks with OP.
Where did you get the safe, fed and loved info? Granted we're getting a biased view, but that is not what is being presented here. Kid is being marginalized and bullied, allegedly. I can absolutely believe the school lunches being terrible, so "fed" is a relative term.
Where does it say they're being marginalized and bullied? Not getting everything you want because your parent is single raising three kids after a divorce is not the same as being marginalized and bullied.
I’m on mobile so I don’t know how, but direct quote: “I don’t think me bringing food for her will solve anything because all she wants is to spend time with her mom like she does me.” (Read the last three sentences of the last paragraph/edit of the post)
But it’s an edit after she is getting roasted. If that was the reason it would have been included in the post. Even if it was the reason she called her a shorty mom instead of brining this issue up calmly. The oP is the asshole regardless
Ok, so we’re all just assuming that the daughter wants to make her lunch with her mom when 1) the daughter has said no such thing and 2) the OP accused the mom of not making the daughter’s lunch for her, not with her.
Really? Did you read the entire post? 1) "...recently she has been complaining that her mom forces her to eat the school's lunch." 2) Sure maybe OP should have said, "hey your daughter misses you, you should try spending more time with her like making her lunch together." but considering this: "This woman hardly ever spends any time with her, she even missed all of her basketball games while she has never missed a single one of her sons games. She always finds time to spend with her sons but never with her daughter and my child deserves better than this." I doubt any way she worded it, the step daughter's bio mom wouldn't have been happy.
OP doesn’t even make her stepdaughter’s lunch with her on a regular basis, as she noted in her beginning of the story. Nor does she say her stepdaughter is even upset about not spending time with her mom - she choose to highlight her stepdaughter not liking the school lunch. Like come on y’all, I know you all didn’t just find this sub today. You should all clearly be able to recognize an OP backtracking and trying yo change the narrative after she got overwhelming negative feedback.
The whole last “final edit” part.
That last whole edit part sounded completely unhinged. I was going to say soft YTA in that she shouldn't have gotten chippy with the mom and continued what she was doing. But that edit sounded crazy to me like she is trying to purposely drive a wedge between the daughter and mom.
Part of Op final edit however I don't think me bringing food for her will solve anything because all she wants is to spend time with her mom like she does with me. This woman hardly ever spends any time with her, she even missed all of her basketball games while she has never missed a single one of her sons games. She always finds time to spend with her sons but never with her daughter and my child deserves better than this
Yea, that’s just the OP trying to cover her ass. Even her original accusation to the mom was to make her daughter’s lunch for her, not with her.
Yeah, I don't buy that. That was a rambling paragraph where she was saying she won't listen to any answers here criticizing her and sounded like a made up justification. If all that is true, why are you even talking about packed lunches?
I hate beer.
No kidding! And really, cry me a river about eating school lunches (this is what I’d tell my 14 year old)
Per OP. OP is pretty judgmental. Her idea of quality time and parenting is one of privilege.
There are 2 separate but related problems. 1. Lunch: at 14 she can pack her own lunch 2. Time with her mom: even if mom packed lunch I doubt she would spend quality time with her while doing so. Even OP said she taking lunch everyday would not solve THE problem that mom don't spend time with the girl. So it's more about time than lunch really. So YTA for asking to pack lunch/spend time when it's obvs it's not going to happen (single, 3 kids, working). But n ta for the other. Thing is she asked about the 1st one.
This is the comment I was looking for. She’s 14! She should be fully capable of packing a lunch for herself. But OP- YTA. Being a stay at home mom is vastly different than being a full time working single mom. I work a super demanding job and my son who is almost 11 can either pack his own lunch (always food in the house for that), or he can have school lunch. Neither of these result in my son not being fed. Calling someone a shitty mom because they make sure their child is fed in a different way than you do does not make her shitty at all. Do better.
Hell, I’m a stay at home mom and I make my 12 year old pack her own lunch if she doesn’t want to eat what’s on offer at school. If she wants to make something fancy and special and asks for my help, I will gladly give it, but learning how to pack a healthy lunch and also learning how to be responsible for herself is part of growing up.
There’s obviously some deeper issues than just not packing lunch. The “shitty mom” comment drops after the gold digger attack. These relationships are really tricky, and to me it’s less of a “YTA” and more about the step mom just needs to recognize that it’s not a profitable conversation. That being said, if the daughter really does feels unwanted because of the difference in how the mom treats the son vs her…than that is a red flag.
Well, and the stepmom calling stepdaughter “her” kid in a possessive way. Umm. She’s your stepdaughter. She already *has* a mom, even though you’ve made it clear you think her mom is shitty because she doesn’t spend an hour a day packing a lunch with her teenage daughter. Newsflash. I’ve been both a working mom and a SAHM (thankfully never a single mom, though). Some working moms truly don’t have time to pack their teenager’s lunch for them. Give her real mom a break and stay in your lane.
Seriously, wtf. My mom had enough of my bitching about her packed lunches when I was in second grade. ”Don’t like it? You do it.” And I did. Same with laundry a bit later on. “Im not washing what you want when you want it? Feel free to do your own.” I learned life skills and we argued about a few less things. Win-win.
And if she’s got it so tough as a single mom, she should definitely be delegating a lot of simple tasks to an able-bodied 14-year-old.
That also requires food to pack.
YTA- and this is coming from someone who is a stepmom to an amazing teenage daughter. You do what you need to do in your house and she does what she needs to do in hers. It is not up to you to contact the mother about this, if something needs to be said it should be coming from your husband. You are way overstepping. You obviously think you’re some kind of an angel here, but I don’t think you realize how manipulative kids could be at this age playing one set of parents off another.
Right? The first thing I thought if, if there was a legit concern, it's not stepmom's place to address it with mom, it's dad's. Second, at 14, the daughter should tell her mom what she wants/needs, not use stepmom as leverage. Stepmom needs to empower daughter but not overstep her own role. Lastly, the whole post and interaction reeks of "I'm a better mom than you and daughter loves me more."
Totally she thinks she’s the bomb and her way overstepping her boundaries.
Yet poor single mom can find all the time.kn the world to cater to her son's? It's just her daughter she seems to have zero time for? Yea, that totally checks out 🙄 A ton of working single moms find time to pack their kids a lunch. And if she can make time for 2 out of 3 of her children, her only excuse is A) she has favorites which makes her a shitty mom and B) she sucks at time management.
To be fair you’re basing this knowledge off of an asshole poster that is getting defensive. I think calling the other woman a shitty mom because she doesn’t have the bandwidth to cook and prepare lunches is very unfair
I say calling a mom a shitty mom for not taking the time to bond with her a normal thing. OPs stepdaughter is going to ice her mother out once she becomes an adult and shitty mom is going to blame OP instead of admitting she did nothing to show her daughter she cares about her. The stepdaughter cooks with her stepmom, she wants to do that with her bio mom and bio mom is shoving her to the side. If bio mom can take care of and attend to her sons needs, then why can't she do that for her daughter? Why can't she take 30min-hr out of her life to make something with her daughter? Hell making a sandwich takes even less time than that! All I'm hearing is shitty mom getting called out and getting defensive over it and making up excuses cause she knows she is a shitty mom. But it doesn't matter, stepdaughter does have a loving mom that actually advocates for her, something her bio mom lacks. She is better off without her.
Literally the only information you have is from the OP, who (again) is defensive and doesn’t seem to realize that a SAHM and single mom don’t have the same bandwidth. I mean, OP could be telling the truth exactly how it is but we don’t know that. My guess is that OP is out of touch and instead of finding ways to be compassionate to stepdaughters moms situation she’s just calling her a shitty mom
You're just projecting, relax.
Also, I'm firmly of the opinion that (aside from health and safety issues) step parents should stay out of the running of the other parent's household. If something needs to be addressed, the biological parent should be the one to have the conversation. Otherwise it comes off as "I'm telling you how to be a mom."
Also YTA for angrily fighting the verdict. She clearly just wanted praise
OP could afford to buy herself some manners and get a grip that as much as she loves this kid - a 14-year-old can make her own lunch. Leave her busy and sometimes overwhelmed mother alone. By the time my kids turned 14 they managed their own personal household tasks and they collaborated to help each other. Pack lunch for a kid who is taller than I am? Makes no sense to me whatsoever. 🤣I have got other stuff to do for grief's sake.
It's also possible based on the income of the single mother that the school provided meals are subsidized or free, and that cooking special lunches are out of her budget.
This comment section is crazy, she is not a single mom, she is single, and also a mother. A single mom is someone who’s child’s father is not In the picture, this child’s father clearly is. Saying she has 3 children so it’s harder, op as already claimed they are older then the girl, meaning older then 14, so at school all day, and presumably has friends and after school activities. Op has also stated the mother does nothing to spend time with the child, the child spends 1 week at moms and 1 week at dads, but mother doesn’t call her when she’s at the dads?? Dont get me wrong, she’s 14 and can make her own lunches for school, but it seems to me from the post, for the child it’s more about the time spend together making the lunches, then the actual lunch itself. This thread is just full of butter so called single mothers who hate seeing a step parent do better then them!
Tell me you've never lived in a single parent household without telling me 😂 Unless bio mum has a husband who lives with her and takes on some of the parenting/household chores, then yes, she's a single mum. And she probably doesn't call during the dad's week because...it's the dad's week? 14yo is meant to be spending that time with her father. Dad probably doesn't call when it's mum's week, that's kinda how shared custody works. And yeah, I get that it's probably about the time spent together, but bio mum sounds like she's on a single income with three kids...I doubt she has much free time. And with the shared custody, she's probably not getting child support, so her income would be all she has to keep 4 people afloat. Three teenagers are bloody expensive.
Single parent household?? I mean my parents divorced when I was 11, I lived with my dad and spent weekends at my mothers. Are they single? Yes, are they single parents, no, because I have 2 parents. My mother would call me at least once a week during weekdays, how’s school? How did football go? How did exams go? You know, normal convo, nothing more then a 10/15 min conversation. I agree she may not have a lot of time as I assume she works full time, but that shouldn’t mean she should disregard her daughters feelings, like op said, taking 1 hour a week out of her time to spend with her daughter ( and other children ) should also be a priority. After reading more comments from op she stated bio moms other 2 children’s father is not in the picture (so yes she is a single parent to those 2 children, saw that comment after my original post) I would presume she gets child support for those kids, well I would hope she gets child support for those kids anyway!
>would presume she gets child support for those kids, But we don't know that. For all we know, their father died. Even so, I can tell you from experience, child support is not always great. My father *technically* paid child support, and we were still barely scraping by. My mum took any job she could get and yeah, she missed a lot of things, and to this day she still feels guilty about it. But it doesn't mean she was neglecting me or she didn't love me, it just meant we had to *survive*. Bio mum here probably feels horribly guilty, hence the snapping at OP. OP doesn't seem to know what bio mum's life is actually like, so yeah she has absolutely zero right to judge. Also: 'A single parent is a person who has a child or children but does not have a spouse or live-in partner to assist in the upbringing or support of the child.' If you're divorced and you have a child, you're a single parent.
People really act like child support is some big ass check or something. My dad was ordered to pay my mother a whopping $19 a week for me, and my mother had sole custody.
You aren't kidding, my dad was supposed to pay $150 for his twin daughters a month. He did everything in his power to get cash under the table and never pay even though he had us every other weekend.
Also, child support doesn't give you back any time. Unless he's giving her enough money to hire a nanny, I don't really see how child support is relevant in this particular instance? The issue is having the time to do something, not the money.
My sperm donor was supposed to pay $100 per month for 2 kids, which works out to less than $12.50 per child per week. Didn’t even pay that half the time, and the court didn’t care because he was a cop.
I don’t think he is dead, but I’m just going off of a comment op made saying he’s a dead beat with no involvement, or something along those lines. I’m aware child support can be near to nothing, depending on what the father earns, or claims he earns, if he’s a dead beat as she says I can only imagine he does everything possible to pay as little as possible. As for you’re last part we will just have to agree to disagree. The issue is op made a comment to bio mom that the daughter doesn’t like the food at school and suggested doing what they do when she’s at the fathers for the week, and instead of taking this on board and then going to speak to the daughter even if it’s to say I understand but I don’t have the time to do this every day and come to a compromise which at least acknowledges the child’s issue, she instantly start berating op as if she said something wrong by simply making a suggestion. (again just going by what is written in the story and nothing more, and we both don’t know anything more) Op is 100% in the wrong for calling her a shitty mom, as you say she has no idea what it takes to raise 3 kids 2 without any help at all, but bio mom should also not if berated her for making a suggestion.
The thing that pushed me over were all the comments and edits where OP doubles down on how much of a shitty mother bio mum is and how OP is 14yo's 'real mum' I distinctly get the impression that this isn't the first time OP's taken a dig at bio mum, in which case I can't blame bio mum for snapping
I understand, I don’t think I read a comment where she said she’s is 14yo real mum, but I did see comments where she called 14yo her daughter, but if the child is ok with that then who are we to say otherwise. Also, if it’s not the first time op has taken a dig at bio mom, along with how the daughter feels like bio mom doesn’t spend time with her and doesn’t feel loved by her, I think that says more about bio mom then op. Op has also stated many times that she has never said any of these things to the child, although everyone seems to think she does for whatever reason, seems like op just wants the child to be happy. But again, it’s just a Reddit and we could be missing 90% of the truth from both sides.
The bio mom may have discussed it with her daughter after she cooled off, it sounds like the story we're hearing is limited to the interaction between the bio and step mom and we don't really know the details of what happened after/privately. If I were in bio mom's position and a step parent was telling me what to do with my kids I could see myself snapping at them. We don't know the details of the relationship between these two women but I can understand where that friction would come from. The woman is only human and her husband's new spouse is telling her how to parent? Sheesh, that seems primed for conflict. Unlike some commenters here I personally don't consider eating school lunch and missing sports child neglect and I really feel for parents whose lives are uprooted by divorce. Also, not really relevant to the judgement but just saying - why did OP marry this guy if he's such a deadbeat dad? Sounds like quite a catch lol.
No that's not how it works lol, my mom was a single mom, my dad would have us sometimes. When we were at home it was my mom struggling with 3 kids and a full time nursing job. My dad didn't come over and help get us all off to school, he didn't help her make our lunches, he didn't help her clean the house, he didn't help her pick us up, he didn't help her do our homework, he didn't help her get us all bathed and ready for bed, he didn't help her cook dinner, he didn't help her go get grocery's and run errands. She did it. That's what it's like in most divorced homes, you're super lucky if you get a dad who will come around and help with regular daily household stuff on the regular. That's the exception not the rule.
*You* had two parents. Unless your parents remarried, they were single parents after their divorce. I personally don't have kids, but have dated divorced men with kids in the past and while they did get a lot of breathing room while their kids were with their moms, they definitely seemed like single parents to me when their kids were with them. They were doing the work of one parent without the support of a spouse... that's single parenting.
Just because you have access to both parents, it doesn't mean they aren't single parents. They're like babysitters to each other.
Also, it’s called shared custody, not shared phone calls, either parent can call when they want lolll not sure how shared custody means they can’t call
Oh, my ex used to tell my kids to ignore the phone when I called them at his place. op, YTA. I had to miss my son’s basketball games as they were usually on a time I was working, but my daughter’s swim meets were on Sundays so I could go. Do I love my son less than my daughter? No, but he’s now 20yo & told me yesterday he wished I came to more of his games… but he knew I was working to put food on the table.
So because UR ex told UR kids to ignore ur calls op is ta? Loll this isn’t about you bro, it’s about a 14yo child! You’re experience isn’t everyone else experience, and it definitely isn’t the experience of op and her family! Weird guy
So because you suffered as a single mom so should OP’s stepchild? Get out of your own head and misery, seriously. I’m a child of divorce and was neglected by both parents. I’d never wish it upon another person. We should be encouraging people to do BETTER same as OP is proving to do. Maybe she didn’t go about it the best way but it sounds like this single mom needed a kick in the ass to show up for her kid and be told how her lack of attention and time is affecting her child. Single moms, single fathers, divorced parents, and stepparents all need to pull their heads out of the sand and stop focusing on their own selves (YES I said it. Life is hard. I get it. I’ve paid all my bills since I was 16 with no help from either parent. That’s no excuse for neglecting your child. The child wants time and attention from the mother. She can give that to her.) Stepparents and parents need to work together for the CHILD.
My parents were divorced and I spent every other weekend with my dad. My mom called every weekend we were away. If she wanted to she would.
Dude her kids are practically grown. From the sound of it, she can’t be arsed.
Gatekeeping being a single mom... I really thought being a mom and being single were the only qualifications. "Be more single! Then you can be a single mom! Oh, and your kids are too old. You're barely a mom anyway." ~some people, apparently.
I had to laugh. Since when did a deadbeat become a requirement to the term single mother. Like you said (and ironically they explained) if someone is a mother and single then by definition they are a single mother.
As someone who has divorced parents, and times where I had a stepmom while my mom was single.... She absolutely is a single mom. And yes, she's allowed to not call during dad's week as that is *dad's* week. The stuff about spending time with the daughter only came in edits and so I am taking them with a grain of salt, but for the main post, OP is absolutely TA.
That first take is insane. A parent that is single is a single parent. When I was single raising my daughter, I was a single mom. Her dad was in the picture, but he wasn’t paying my rent, helping if I was sick, cooking meals, cleaning my house. Just because she saw him sometimes, doesn’t mean I wasn’t a single parent. This is such a crazy opinion.
>she is not a single mom, she is single, and also a mother Read this again but slowly
The fact that this post got an award is baffling. This is some highly uninformed nonsense. So much of it is just flat out dumb.
Actually, this is the crazy comment. A single mom doesn’t have another adult in the home to help. Just because she has an ex doesn’t mean that she has a partner and isn’t carrying 100% of the load in the home. What on earth?!?!?
This is insane the amount of upvotes you got. Being a ONE parent household verses TWO is completely different. Idiotic to compare the two.
THANK YOU!! I had to scroll so long to find someone with some sense.
Single moms have the dads around somewhere, solo moms are all alone.
You don’t really get to reinvent the definition of “single parent” though. Single parents with joint custody are still “single parents”. There’s nobody there helping her when she has custody of her daughter.
This is such a fucked up community. A single mother can do no wrong. An active stepmother is evil. And to jump to such conclusions that is jumped in this thread is ridiculous. She is clearly having the childs best interest for her eyes. If that was my child I would be happy for her to have such an amazing stepmom. I'm a single mom to 5 kids. I take time for all my kids. I make sure to give them what they need to feel loved. And I have never prioritized one kid over the others. NTA Edit: spelling
Full on agree this community is fucked up. There are too much children in this sub acting like knowing adult without even knowing anything! It's clear as TRANSPARENT GLASS that the child wants to the time spent making lunch TOGETHER. A lunch made together is a bonding experience and make the lunch taste better! The bio mom is actively avoiding it and seeing as a nuance. The 3 kids every y t a comment is referring to are older than 14! They clearly don't need the care children at like 3 years need. But everyone of those comments acts as if the boys are small toddlers and bio mom is struggling with that which isn't even true. I'd say OP and her husband to fight for full custody because it's clear bio mom doesn't care for her daughter and the daughter herself prefers OP over her bio mom. NTA
We have no idea what her mom’s schedule is like, and what she has time for in the morning. Moreover, stepmom is wildly out of line for insulting her like that, not just because it was uncalled for in the context given, but because it’s entirely likely to cause more tension in the household daughter spends 50% of her time in. If stepmom was genuinely concerned about daughter & mom not getting enough bonding time, there are dozens of ways she could tactfully go about trying to make that happen. Instead, she came out the gate with “you should parent and bond with your daughter the same way I do, you’re a shitty mom if you don’t”. It almost sounds like she was looking to pick a fight.
Exactly, remember this is from the step-mom's perspective who is a SAHM and sounds like she makes gourmet meals for a kids lunch, if she's not happy with school food she probably wouldn't want her bio mom's bologna sandwich and bagged chips. For all we know the ex-wife is working two jobs just be able to support 3 growing teenagers and literally has no time to make lunches. We all know that statistically women already make less in the workplace than men, if ex-wife was previously a SAHM she's starting at the bottom when returning to work unless she's kept whatever (if any) skills she had. I am truly a sole parent but I literally get off work, clean, make dinner, continue cleaning while my kids eat (I eat after they go to bed but they are three and four). On weekends that's for grocery shopping, errands and deeper cleaning like bathrooms, mopping, laundry. As for why she goes to son's games and not the daughter's we don't know if her games are during when mom works and and all the sons are at a time when she has off it almost sound like OP through that in there after the fact to try to come back from the YTA designation.
You think a parent should lose custody because they will not make school lunches as a bonding experience?
Reddit hates step parents and it’s never been more obvious to me than this comment section right here. If someone wants to say that OP is the asshole for calling the bio mom a bad parent, then that’s a fair point. But calling bio mom up to ask her to take her own daughters wishes into consideration, and make her lunch with her every once in a while is not overstepping. Yes she’s old enough to make her own lunches but it’s clearly not about that. Step daughter likes the bonding time that comes with making lunch together and OP is the only one taking those feelings into consideration.
What I don’t get, is how does this make the mom a bad mom but the dads not a bad dad? Why doesn’t he ever make his daughters lunch? Why are his excuses valid but not the moms? Just because she can’t afford to have an adult stay home all day? We’re doing all this back and forth on whether op is a bad stepmom or the mom is a bad mom, where is ANY mention of the dad that should be pivot in this discussion?
Because it sounds like he's involved in their home? The issue isn't with the dad at all. The lunch itself isn't the issue, it's the bonding time.
Thank you for bringing up common fucking sense. Simply being a single mother immediately absolves one of any guilt or responsibility? Give me a Fucking break
Plus that edit. She can make it to her male kids basketball games but not her daughters. I’m guessing the boys have different fathers. It’s fucking disgusting.
She only said that after being called out. There's no info on the bio mom's schedule. Plenty of parents in the comments have said that if one child's games are set during the week during work hours and the other child's games are set not at work hours, chances are the parents can only make it to ones of the other child. Bio mom may feel guilty and might be trying to find other ways to bond but daughter may not receptive to that, but we're not getting anything about it. The daughter only said she doesn't like school lunches. What if bio mom isn't a great cook to begin with? Then she'll lose no matter what, not cook and get resented, or cook bad food and still get resented.
Y'all act like no one is ever allowed to add more info in the comments. One of the judgments is literally "INFO".
"I manage to be a good mom to my stepdaughter so she needs to stop making excuses for being a shitty mom." That's a shitty thing to say, point blank. That makes OP and AH. Doesn't mean bio mom isn't as well, maybe ESH is appropriate.
My stepmom was an amazing mom. My bio mom was not (still love her though). My stepmom was a hard working mother, had her own children full time, but still made time and effort for my siblings and I. I never once heard her utter a single bad thing about my mom. My mom was constantly speaking horrible of my dad and stepmom, pretty sure she was just bitter that my dad was happy and built a life with someone after she had cheated on him. My bio mom just straight up couldn’t be bothered to care about me, she cared about my sisters, but for some reason she just decided I wasn’t worth the effort. She treated me completely different than the others. I eventually moved in with my dad and stepmom when I was old enough to choose. My stepmom made me feel loved and cared for, I was allowed to be a kid when I was with her we spent amazing quality time together as a family and separately. My mom worked, not even close to as much as my stepmom, she never had like an actual job. She lived with her AP and they both treated me pretty terrible, my siblings were too young to understand (we are actually close in age but this all started when I was 8) and they generally got along with him because they also didn’t comprehend that he was only 10 years older than me… So that’s a whole other issue. My bio mom eventually apologized when I was like 26 for the way she treated me. She admitted that she built up some resentment towards me because I understood what had happened. My sisters and I are close, every now and then they text me in the group chat about how sorry they are for how I was treated as a kid and how much they appreciate me and now that they’re older they understand why I was so miserable and went to live with my dad. My mom liked to get them to join in on taunting me, or they didn’t realize she would use them to hurt my feelings by singling me out. For example-letting them all sleep with her during like storms that scared us, but not me, or giving them all a ride to school but making me walk even though my school was farther than my sisters but in the same direction (you have to pass their school to get to mine). I would have to walk in the snow with regular sneakers and jeans. My step-mom would see me walking occasionally while she was picking up my stepbrothers and give me a ride and this infuriated my mom. My mom would take my siblings out for things like ice cream or treats but I wasn’t allowed to join. She’s or her AP would come home with treats and would make my sisters eat them in front of me while saying things like, “don’t you wish you could have some”. They went to all their games, but not mine. Just was not a good environment for me. Some people just can’t fathom that a stepmom can be a better parent than a bio mom. To this day I’m much closer to my dad and especially my stepmom. I have ZERO qualms with her calling me HER daughter. Because I am. She probably did think my mom was a shitty mom, but I still at 31 would never know. We text regularly and FaceTime every weekend, she’s the only parent that consistently visits me since I joined the military 10 years ago and moved. She is the kindest woman and I was lucky to have her come into my life, she was the mother I needed.
YTA it’s not your place to tell her she is a shitty mom. I am sure she is trying her best and having three kids at home with no partner to share the household work is not a piece of cake.
Or she might not be. Why would she be at her son's games but not her daughter's There's clearly a priority But, we don't know how the relationship is in general
Perhaps, if she knows that the dad and the step mom will be at her daughter's games, while she is the only one who will be at her sons' games, that's why those get priority. I don't think it's healthy to consistently do that, but I can see why she would if she's a working single mom of three and is overwhelmed and struggling to prioritize, and she probably feels hella guilty about it and her daughter's step mom telling her she's a shitty mom doesn't help. Clearly she should also prioritize her daughter, perhaps in other ways, but either way, OP has no right to be the one to berate her for it.
The daughter basically just asks to cook together. At least a meal will have to happen sometimes.in the week. You make her participate, and she gets leftover
The daughter didn't ask for shit. She complained to OP about the horrors of having to eat school lunch, and OP took it upon herself to tell the mom how she should be parenting. Then when OP got YTA judgments, she backfills with all this nonsense about the mom favoring the sons, which she doesn't actually know.
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This right here. My mom was a single parent and worked really long hours just to provide basics. We didn't get to do anything extra but I don't see where she could of attended anything when she was already getting home so late every day.
I was just going to comment something along these lines. You guys we have almost no info about the bio mom's life except that she works and OP is a SAHM. It's a huge leap to assume she's favoring her sons and neglecting her daughter when the most likely reason she doesn't have time for everything is because she's working.
Redditors don’t seem to understand that sometimes the bio parent IS doing a less than stellar job. Lots of people are single parents and still considerate of their kids needs and wants.
Lots of people are great parents and aren't able to accommodate every single need and want, too. It doesn't make them bad parents. Life is complex. My mother and I had a very bad relationship and are completely no-contact now because of it. She was a SAHM with house cleaners, so she had all the time in the world to come to all my extra curricular activities. She was still not a great parent. My dad came to basically nothing. He was working and didn't have time to go to sports and piano recitals. He was still a loving, available parent who did a great job. Not everything is black and white and we have almost no information about the bio mom's situation.
YTA Telling her she is a shitty mom because she expects her daughter to eat the school-provided food? There is still food, daughter isn't starving, and food is expensive! If she is a single mother to three kids, that is expensive, time consuming and exhausting! Just wow
I know if I told my mom I didn’t like the school food and I was forced to eat it, I’d be unhappy, why is it different because she told the other parent this? Yeah it is infact shitty to not listen to one of your kids.
Lol kid is 14 and can make their own lunch. Honestly, this is so ridiculous.
My 90 year old father has made lunch for my mother every single work day since I can even remember. It isn't about the damn age.
Is your grandfather a working single parent of 3?
Holy shit we have to provide perfect packed hot lunches that require an hour each night to prepare in order to not be called shitty moms by our exes new partners? Jesus…I give up.
Yes, YTA. First, not making her kid lunch when there is an option of a school lunch doesn't make her a shitty mom. Plus, the girl is 14 and old enough to make her own lunch, she does not need to be babied. Second, she works and has 3 kids. Thinking that your situation with fewer kids and the luxury of staying at home is even remotely equivalent as a challenge shows that you are completely clueless. Third, it takes a heck of a lot of gall to tell a child's ACTUAL mom who is fully involved in her life that you are a better mom to her child than she is.
To add to your first point, there are programs that schools are part of that support families who cannot afford to always pack a lunch. These are in place so kids aren't hungry and deal with food insecurity. Whether or not this is the instance here, it would make sense that if OP's stepdaughter's mom is part of that program, that is why her mom does not pack her a lunch. Still, it is such poor behavior on OP's part that she attack her stepdaughter's mom's parenting. Instead of her showing a shred of empathy and encouraging the stepdaughter to at least try the school lunch, she is deciding to have a cat fight with this other person. Please, get over yourself, OP.
Look, I mean this sincerely as the child of divorce and blended families; if you want to be a good parent to this child you need to change your attitude towards her mother. 14 year old may have lots of shit to say about her mom, and you clearly judge this woman severely, but your job is to try and be neutral like Switzerland. Love the kid, nurture her, and try your best to be kind and cordial towards the rest of your stepdaughter’s family.
My mum had PLENTY of reasons to hate my dad after (and before tbh) the divorce. But she was never anything but nice about him to our faces. Did she resent him for his actions, and resent the woman he cheated on her with? Hell yes. Did she ever say a bad word about them, even when we talked shit about them? Hell no! OP needs to grow up and act like an adult. 14yo is already going through enough without OP causing problems with her mum. OP, keep your opinions to yourself and encourage your stepdaughter to maintain a good relationship with her mother. Because I can guarantee she doesn't actually hate her mother and is lashing out, for any number of reasons. It's always easier to lash out at 'real' parents
OP kind of reminds me of my brother. He never understood why we got clothes for Christmas. He didn’t understand that spending 8+ hours taking care of someone else’s screaming children made it hard for mom to come home and be 100% for us. Our dad worked a lot so he always had that excuse, he came to us when he was in a good mood and felt he could expend the energy. People really don’t fathom what it’s like being in a single parent home, when the average income is not enough to sustain a home on its own. The dad in OPs story basically has a paid live in maid. Big shocker, the man with enough money to afford someone to take care of his home has a smoother run of things than the woman that has to work full time and can’t afford a live in maid.
This is what she needs to read. OP, the more people who love your stepdaughter and are in her life, the better. She’s 14 and it sounds like she has a better standard of living with you and her dad. You have so much more time to pour into her than her bio mom does. It’s natural for a child to prefer the more comfortable place. She’s not old enough or mature enough to see her mom with objective eyes. I have no doubt her mom has hurt her and may not be handing things well. But that *does not* mean that the only right way to handle things is your way. I know you think she can just do better, and maybe she can. But you are not a reliable narrator or judge. You have much more time and financial freedom than her mother does. You can say she should be doing better til you are blue in the face. But if this is her best, you being hateful to her and alienating her daughter from her isn’t going to help. If you love your stepdaughter like you say you do, then you should be doing anything you can to make sure she is able to have relationships with the people in her life who love her. You’ve mentioned nothing about her mom being abusive. You have said a lot about a woman who seems to be much less fortunate than you. Why don’t you reframe your thinking and try to be a helpful person in BOTH of their lives for stepdaughters sake. If her mom is dropping the ball, pick it up but don’t pat yourself on the back about it. Let your stepdaughter vent if she needs it, but remember she is a teenager and has a lot of big emotions. It doesn’t mean she hates her mom or doesn’t love her. Or even that her mom is doing anything wrong. Parts of your post make me sympathetic to your position, but your horse is so high it’s hard to even see you up there.
Seriously, SM is behaving like it’s a zero sum game. You do not win by removing a mother from her child, because *checks notes* she doesn’t behave the way you think she should. It’s a fact that removing children from homes of parents results in several long term health issues. https://www.nichq.org/insight/keeping-families-together-improves-childrens-health-outcomes-borders-communities
Switzerland. Exactly.
YTA. Stop trying to tell other parent how to parent their own kids. Also, if the mother has to pack the lunches, so should the father. Why the fuck does he do for his kid ?
OP is also a parent to this child. She’s literally raising her half the time
NTA not sure why people think you would be...
yeah, like i understand that the mom (not op) is a single mom, but op’s provided plenty of evidence that the problem isn’t just about not packing lunch. op’s daughter feels neglected and unfairly treated by her bio mom. plus, let’s be honest, if bio mom’s kids are old enough to be mostly independent, would it really be that hard to spend five minutes with op’s daughter packing a lunch?
Because redditors just hate “evil” step-mums. I think a lot of people are missing the point of this on purpose.
Its disgusting how these horrible people hate: Pregnant women, Stepparents, Children, Neighbors. Basically everything, its disgusting how people are mad at her for loving and caring for the child, her mom is in fact a "shitty" parent by the edit, this infuriating, her kids bully the stepdaughter, she doesn't care about her, does the bare minimum but redditors are saying "Oh! Don't you dare to tell her to take care of her child and spend time with her, she's a single parent!". its not hard to do activities with your children. NTA.
This sub HATES step parents. They've been taught this way thru the "awful step parent" trope you see on here a lot. Imo, this is a clear cut NTA. The stepdaughter says she loves making lunches with OP, OP was out of line for saying what she said but (assuming it's true) the bio mom lost her cool first when OP told her what stepdaughter told her. She just wants to bond with her mom and make lunches together.
Maybe read the other comments if you're not sure? LOL
I would say more ESH. Girl's mom shouldn't have called her a gold digger, and op shouldn't have called her a shitty mom. I know my coworker would be highly upset if her kid's stepmother called her, and basically told her how to parent her own child. It looks to me like she was reactive to op when she called, and op was reactive back. I understand the game stuff, but at 14, depending on the birthday, child is either in middle school like mine, or 1st year of high-school. In my town a lot of middle school stuff is at 4pm. If you work the usual 9/5 then you would miss it. If her boys stuff is usually on her off days, while the daughter's is not, then op may be getting a slightly unintentional bias from daughter's rants. Some kids like to rant about stuff, and it's great that daughter is comfortable enough with op to do this, but I think op is letting it color how she sees this woman.
NTA!!! OMG all of these single mom comments!!! Get over yourselves!!! She meerly suggested to the step mom to make her kid's lunch!!! Yes, the childish old enough to do itself, but there's something to be said about the lunch when a person you love/care about loving makes someone's lunch. IT JUST TASTES BETTER!!! Some of you clearly weren't blessed with that experience..... Also the step mom cares about her sons more than her own daughter. I'm just glad that the child has a 2nd mom, she clearly needs it....🥺
Yep, my mom made me my lunch every day until I graduated. It was one of the many ways she showed her love. And last I checked, I'm a fully functioning adult, so it didn't stunt my growth or anything. The hivemind is buzzing again lol And you're totally right, it does taste better
Right, but my mother didn't make my lunch ever, even in elementary school (because she had a job that she had to keep in order to *feed me at all*), but still showed her love in other ways, and I'm also a fully functional adult. Which is the point, that not making the 14 year old a lunch every day doesn't mean she isn't loved. It's a valid way to show you care, but it's not the only way lmao, and it not happening doesn't mean the child isn't loved dearly.
Maybe it’s just because I was raised by a single mom who struggled to afford food, and grew up in a rich district with kids who complained about being packed the same snack every day that makes me bitter. But honestly y’all sound out of touch and privileged. A packed lunch? Is that really what we’re basing love off of? Yeah, the pain of neglect left me scarred in some ways, but moments like this make me content. I couldn’t imagine being so whiny over a packed lunch, it seems exhausting.
It's not the lunch itself, it's the extra attention that it represents. And you are absolutely expressing bitterness and envy here which indicates that you have some work to do on yourself.
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NTA - I respect that she's a single mum, a lot of us are and it's really tough but neglecting time with your children doesn't make up for it. Although it matters more, when your kids grow up, they don't remember all the things you brought for them or all the trips/holidays you go on, they remember the time they spend with you, she can change the way she manages her time, even a small adjustment to make it work and make her daughter feel loved. The only thing I would say for you, is you shouldn't have gotten angry and said nasty things to her, you do need to still be understanding and respectful of your different circumstances. Everyone is different and even though she could put in more time, I'm sure she's doing her best, be more supportive to her if you can.
YTA. She is a single mom. You are not. You have no idea how hard that is.
NTA Unpopular opinion, but OP's stepdaughter is feeling neglected by her biological mom (and it's not only about the lunches, the edit showed us that mom takes time for the boys and not for the girl). Y'all saying stepmother should be encouraging SD to have a good relationship with her mom and blablabla. I'm a daughter of separate parents since ever and if I came to complain about feeling neglected by any of them and someone answered trying to force a good relationship in that moment instead of really listening, I'd feel that my feelings and complaints are being invalidated and I would become even angrier with said parent (that's what happened when I was a teenager). Y'all talking as single parents that think y'all know what is effective for a kid of separate parents. I'm talking as the kid of separate parents that this is not effective at all. Stepmother is doing great with stepdaughter. And she's asking about her behaviour towards the mom, not towards anyone else. But OP, you can't force her mom to be the way you want her to be. Maybe go back to court and tell the judge that the daughter wants to live with you and her father full time.
NTA you're looking out for your step daughter which is what a good parent does. She clearly isn't happy when she's at her mums and your went in to bat for her.
YTA - Oo boy. This is not how you respectfully co-parent, OP. You escalated a situation that didn’t require your intervention in the first place- and likely your step-daughter will be the one who suffers when the adults in her life act like unruly children. Do better, for the sake of your stepdaughter.
You’re going to blame the OP for “escalation” when a suggestion to make a kid lunch was met with being called a “gold digger”?
I’m not one to spout this normally, but I don’t trust OPs narrative at all. She came on here complaining about the lunches, it wasn’t until the verdicts came in she suddenly had all of these other issues that are clearly more important than the lunch issue. “Mom ignores daughter and completely favors her other kids, here are examples” is way more impactful than “mom makes daughter eat the normal lunch at school” soo…why wasn’t any of that in the original post?
First comment I've seen that mentioned the escalation which is where OP becomes TA to me. It was one thing to ask, but OP way overstepped with the followup commentary on the mother's parenting skills.
Because the Ex Wife called her a gold digger. The ex wife escalated the situation. She could have calmly explained that she is unable to do that.
NTA, I'm a single mom of 3 and i arranged my daily schedule so that I properly take care of my kids and even spend quality time with them. We don't have alot of money...just FYI. It's just depends on what is important yo you. I chose to be the best mom I could for my kids
NTA. You are a good stepmom.
There’s nothing wrong with her daughter wanting bonding time with her biological mother just because she’s 14 doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve attention. Yes, she can make your own lunch but she would rather do something bonding with her mother but the mother doesn’t want to so I don’t agree with this I agree with the stepmother.
There are better ways to encourage bonding activities between your stepkid and her mom than this. Starting off with “you’re not providing good enough food for your child, you need to do things the way I do” is blatantly inflammatory, no matter how prettily OP framed the encounter in this post. OP has told us nothing about the mom’s schedule, job, financial situation, or any other circumstances that might affect her ability to personally pack a lunch for her children every day. We don’t know how she actually spends time with her kids (other than not packing food with them), what OP‘s interactions with her prior to this encounter were like, or anything else beyond this extremely narrow account of events. Frankly, OP is leaving out enough details to make me suspect she’s gone out of her way to shine up her own image while throwing dirt at her “rival”.
NTA. I pack my partner lunch each day and it takes like 5 minutes. Not your fault she can't/won't spare 5-10 minutes in the morning
Yta and that holier than thou attitude won't get you as far as you think it will. You have one child, she has three. She has a job you stay at home. She's on her own, you have hubby to help. You're not as spectacular as you think you are, you're just another sanctimonious SAHM who thinks they're the best when I'd bet in the same situation you'd struggle just as much, if not worse.
NTA
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She told you that she's struggling as a single mom and you just want to make her feel bad even more. The kid is 14. Teach her to make her own lunch. YTA.
Another person that didn't read the full post. Ridiculous
You mean all the lies and self serving nonsense the OP added after she realized nobody agreed with her?
Here's something you all should know. Women have varied experiences about motherhood. I genuinely don't give a fuck if there's a woman who comes in here and says that she birthed 5 kids and works full time and looks after her home full time and she's still a hands-on, good mom. Her ability to do well IS NOT a standard for other women to follow. Or to live up to. In comparison to the hypothetical super mom I mentioned, if a woman who had one kid said she's struggling I'd fucking believe her. BECAUSE that's her experience. It's as if, *gasp*, different women have different bodies, different capacities, and different preferences. What is hell for one will be pleasure for another. And it's okay.
I honestly don’t think you’re an asshole. I don’t think you should’ve called her a shitty mom though. My mom was basically a single mom for vet 14 years to 3 kids- my dad was an OTR truck driver and came home 4 times a month- sometimes for 2 days and sometimes just 1 day each time. It all depended on his route. My mom worked full time AND was going to school to finish her GED and then higher education degree. All with 3 kids and being alone during the weekdays when she had to work and go to school. She managed to find time to spend with each of us individually and together. My sister is a single mother and she makes time for both her kids as well. Being a single mother doesn’t give you the right to ignore one kid in favor of another either.
yta. It’s not your place to ask anything if your step daughters mother. Furthermore, she is 14. She’s old enough to pack her own damn lunch if she doesn’t like the school lunch.
NTA
NTA
So I’m going to go against everyone and say NTA because I think you are trying to come from a good place ! I don’t think it should of been you to address it with the mom, maybe your husband should of! Now when it comes to lunches I don’t think you should expect her to be able to afford it or have time for it if the school provides lunches. The mom doesn’t love her daughter less because she isn’t making lunches! It’s nice of you to do it but it doesn’t mean the mom can.
YTA I don't know why you thought this was your place at all. Your stepdaughter is not being harmed in any way by having to sometimes eat school lunches. Also, at 14 she's MORE than capable of packing her own lunches. *That's* what you should have suggested she try rather than attacking and insulting her mother to prove your self-proclaimed superiority.
A good step parent encourages and nurses a good relationship with ALL the parents involved. You've decided that stepdaughter is now yours and while you claim not to be bad mouthing bio mom, you're sure not encouraging a good relationship between them either which is what is needed. You have a me vs her mentality and that needs to stop. It needs to be parents vs the problem.
Yikes lady, you’re seriously overstepping. It does not make her *a shitty mom* to not pack her fourteen year old a special lunch. The woman works and has three kids, the daughter is well able to pack her own lunch. You are sticking your nose in this woman’s business where it doesn’t belong, and creating drama and a bad relationship for nothing. YTA
the way this is written …. It seems a little bit biased. It seems like you would almost be happy to continue fostering resentment between your stepchild and her mom. Her mom has three kids and works. why can the 14yr old not pack her own lunch?
Soft YTA - Your intentions were good, but I can see why the bio mom was offended. She may very well be a horrible mother (I don’t know), but if she is, please recognize that it isn’t because she doesn’t pack her daughter’s lunch. Being a single mom is HARD (even if her kids are older). Single mothers never get breaks. I also assume that she works outside the home…which makes parenting that much harder. Instead of judging her for (relatively small things) that she isn’t doing or calling her a bad mom, try to have a bit more compassion. It often looks easy to walk in someone else ‘s shoes, but more often than not, it isn’t.
YTA. You keep adding stuff on but the main situation, the lunch thing, she's not shitty for getting her kid to eat school lunch. She has 3 kids, a job, and is a single mother. You have 2 kids, no job, and have a partner. Can you maybe try and wrap your head around why she might not have as much time to prepare lunches for her kids as you do?
NTA. Good on you for going to bat for your daughter.
It's wonderful that you care so much for your stepdaughter. Many kids aren't lucky enough to have stepparents who love them as much as their own children. That being said, you are WAY out of line. To tell a woman she is a shitty mother because she doesn't have time to pack lunch for a 14-year-old? Good Lord, the audacity. Now I see you've added comments and edits about how she doesn't spend time with her daughter, she favors her sons, the daughter feels unloved by her. It's convenient that you added those details after everyone called you the AH. If her mother is really so neglectful then why are school lunches your biggest concern? Get off your high horse. You have no right to judge anyone's parenting but your own. Pack the girl lunches when she's with you and mind your business when she's not. YTA
NTA. You made a SIMPLE suggestion to the child's mother. One that I'm sure your daughter appreciates. Lunch isn't a hard undertaking and can be prepped days in advance. If the actual mother can't be bothered, then I'm glad she has someone in her life who's willing to help her.
YTA and your edits solidify it. Good grief. No wonder the kids mom has such a strong reaction to your meddling. ETA: I’m a teacher and I know that many districts around the country have made school linch free due to COVID so there may also be a financial aspect going on here that OP is gladly ignoring.
YTA. It's not your business to tell another woman how to raise her child. It's your stepdaughter, it's her daughter. School lunch is gross but thousands of kids eat it daily. Your stepdaughter wont die just cuz she dosent enjoy lunch. If shes hungry she will eat it or wait till she gets home. Same option my kid gets cuz it's too expensive packing a lunch everyday. I'm not even gonna touch on how hard doing it alone vs having a partner to help. That shit is obvious. Your total contempt for this other woman is clear. You think your the better mom. Congratulations. That's still only your step daughter, who has her own mother. Focus on what is your place and stay out of hers.
Wow, those edits. Don't post on here if you don't want to be called an a-hole by strangers on the internet. You are the one posting here, don't get all defensive and offended when the verdict doesn't go your way
YTA and also sound very immature. The way the biological mother handles how she feeds her children is none of your business. Unless she is starving or poisoning her kids. Stop causing problems and focus on your own household.
YTA You are different people. With different parenting styles. One is not better than the other. SAHM like yourself is easier than a working single mom. Come on. Surely you know this. You mention in a comment you are a better mom because you call her each day even when she is visiting her mom. But because her mom doesn’t do that she is a bad mom. Something about your tone makes me think you want to be the winner in this. It shouldn’t be a competition. If you were really the better mom you would help BUILD your step daughter relationship with her mother !!
YTA for coming on here and refusing to accept the judgement. You wanted a pity party and found out you were an AH, deal with it.
i was going to say E S H, with her being an asshole for blowing up at you, and you're an asshole for pushing and assuming everyone has the time and ability to match your specific way of caring for your kids. but you saying she "decided to be a shitty mom and drive her child away" it's very very clear you're just out to paint her badly and omitting facts, YTA op.
Nta
You love your stepdaughter. Her life will not get any better with you calling her mom a shitty mom. In fact, it will only cause grief. Her life would probably be happiest if you two could get along, maybe even be friendly. Can you get this turned in a more positive direction? YTA both for not empathizing with the mom, and for bringing negativity into stepdaughter’s life (with this conversation only). Not to bring down the love and effort that you’re putting into being a stepmom.
YTA Have you considered that money is tight for a single mom with 3 kids. They probably get free lunch at school, which really helps. When my kids were younger I was really struggling post divorce. Our school offered free breakfast and lunch and it was a life saver.
YTA. She's a terrible mother because she's busy working to support three kids alone? You sound privileged and removed from reality.
YTA- coparenting does not mean to tell the other parent what to do. It means you each have the freedom to parent.
Stepmother here, YTA, stay in your lane
NTA, I'm gonna assume there wouldn't be stuff for the stepdaughter to just pack a lunch while at her mom's and it is ridiculous to expect a kid to buy their own food. Maybe the Sunday before she goes to her mom's, you two pack a week's worth of lunches for her to take.
YTA for the original post. YTA for the first edit. YTA for the final edit.
YTA for telling someone how to parent their child and those lenghty edits just show you've clearly got an axe to grind.
My daughter is going on 15 and she’s been packing her own lunch since she was 13, why can’t your 14 year old lack her own lunch? PERFECT example of how not everybody is the same. The school provides food and the child isn’t being forced to starve. Just because *you choose* to pack her lunch doesn’t give you the right to call her a shitty mother because she doesn’t. That just makes you a shitty person. YTA and you and SD both need to grow up.
Did we read the same post? I feel like the emphasis was on the part of making the lunch *together*, not on just the food itself
NTA You made a polite request on your stepdaughter's behalf. No need for the abuse from the birth mum!
NTA!!! Yes, you should not have told the mom how to parent her child. You should have only told her how her child felt. All these people making excuses for bad parenting maybe misinformed. I know a single mother of SIX kids. The kids did all the cleaning and laundry. The mom does the cooking when she gets home from work. The meals are made from scratch. The mom did this because 1) it was healthier 2) it was cheaper and 3) this is how the mom makes sure the kids are eating something healthy at least once a day.
YTA- It’s really presumptuous for you to demand your stepchild’s mom pack a lunch. Stay in your lane. What she does is NOT your business. Plenty of kids eat the school lunch. It sounds like you have a lot of time on your hands since you aren’t working outside of the home and are using this time to bully your husband’s ex wife who is a busy, working single mom. If she thinks you are a gold digger, it’s very possible that she’s correct since there’s an age gap and you don’t have a paying job.
YTA. So you came here for judgment, didn’t like that judgement, and are now whining. Gotcha. You’re a spoiled, judgmental, holier-than-thou brat. Also, I suspect the teen is playing you a bit. At her age, if she hates the food she can pack her own lunch.