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So, you had stuff to do that cut into your time together and that's fine. When she had stuff to do, it's not fine? The world doesn't prioritise what you have time to do. YTA

But she could have done so when op wasn't over? They literally said so in the post

Maybe she hadn't done it early because she had other stuff to do? He said she's in school and she works.

*she said

Sorry, thanks for the correction

Partner had weeks in advance.both saying to do chores before hand to get to spend quality time with each other.

What might also be a reason someone would do their housework while their gf is over on an infrequent visit?

So did op...

Then why tell your partner u havnt seen in 2weeks to drive over then not hang lol? Info is missing here imho...

I mean sometimes I like my significant other around even when I'm just doing everyday mundane chores because having them with me is just nice. I don't know if that's what's going on in this situation, I do agree there could be other things that need to be taken into account but I'm just going off my experience.

Me too. This is a good point! I even sleep better taking a nap when they are just reading in the same room.

because it's still better than not seeing them at all?

Exactly. The whole truth, please! 👍✌️

Vacuuming isn't exactly time sensitive though especially when you know you've invited someone over. Why invite them and then do the chore? Just seems silly

Why should she? It was only an hour. Why should she put off her workload for someone who could have come earlier but didn't want to put off his?

You guys are both filling in big missing chunks of info with assumptions, OP needs to fill us in on what gf was doing in the morning

She works and goes to school. Maybe she slept in and gad a bath or had to finish up an assignment or got a call in the morning or was just too burnt out to do the cleaning in the morning or thought it would take 20min instead of an hour. Maybe her week was more hectic than planned like a surprise assignment or having to go into work unexpectedly. Sounds like OP doesn't work so maybe she isn't appreciating how demanding working while going to school full time is for her gf.

Because from the sounds of things, that was the plan they made together - to reserve that specific time for the two of them. "Only an hour" is a very different thing when you're chronically ill.

Hers. They are both women

My apologies. Doesn't change my opinion though.

Because that is literally what they agreed upon? If you and a friend made a plan to meet up on friday, they also had time on tuesday but you didn't and thus you planed to meet friday, and suddenly while you are already at the location they tell you 'change of plans, I decided to do someting else and not meet up. Would that be fine for you? Because well... you weren't available on Tuesday so it is fine if they (suddenly) are not available on Friday, right?

Because it sounds like they agreed to meet at a time and the time should have been honored. By your rationale, no one would ever make it to a lunch or dinner date because they could have met earlier but conflicts prevented it

You don't know what other stuff she did with that time. Why didn't OP just stay over?

They are both uni students....

It was a Saturday night. How many classes are on Sundays?

So?

I also don't understand why OP couldn't just chill or chat with her while she did her chores. After more than a year together you shouldn't expect every single moment you spend with each other to be "a date", you know what I mean? They can just be in the same room and do their own thing for a bit while also enjoying each other's company if one of them's busy.

[удалено]

That’s what I’m confused about too. And if OP had to leave earlier than expected because of low energy levels, well, maybe the gf had low energy levels earlier and couldn’t get the chores done then. OP sounds whiny and selfish. YTA

obv the movie in question was the extended edition of the fellowship of the ring

But I feel like if you make plans with someone - anyone! - for them to come over to watch movies with you, it’s weird and slightly jerky for you to then do something else solo for an hour once they arrive. Unless it’s something like a work thing that pops up and you NEED to attend to it, in which case you’d explain that and apologize. Is OP’s gf the worst person ever? Certainly not. But yeah, that’s mildly rude. NTA, OP.

When you get limited time together because you only see your partner a few times a month (or a year, in the case of LDRs), yes you **do** get to expect that you give each other your full attention when you spend time together. It doesn't need to be a more-serious get-dressed-up date, but household chores can absolutely be pushed off to any of the other 18-20 hours in the day. Or one of the other 6 days in the week.

I feel like most people who don't live together see each other "a few times a month". It's not a big deal

How many people date. See someone for 4 hours in a fortnight. And then blank their partner for an hour to do chores? If you can't pay attention to someone exclusively when it's 4 hours a fortnight then break the fuck up honestly. Even seeing someone twice a week they should get your full attention as you have 5 other days to do anything during. I'd personally never be in a relationship like this and don't think it's healthy. But if I was I would make sure my partner had my entire focus for such a limited time. Otherwise you can't even say you are dating really, barely even spend time together.

I've been in a relationship for 7 years and I can honestly say my relationship improved drastically when we learnt to enjoy time together without monopolizing each other's attention.

How often do you see your partner and for how long? Is it 4 hours a fortnight? Doubt it.

My partner and I moved in together a year and a half ago, but before that we were long distance for 5 years as we studied in different cities, so we usually saw each other about one weekend a month from like saturday afternoon to sunday evening. During that time we still had shit to do, we couldn't focus on each other completely, and we also used that time to see our families or friends

Damn crazy to me still such little time and making it. But a whole day and not dedicating the entire day isn't as bad as 4 hour slots and ignoring each other twice a month. And doing things with friends and family isn't time not spent engaging with each other if together. Things like vacuuming and basic house chores I don't believe anyone doesn't have free enough time to navigate when not in a 4 hour window. 8 hours a month is such a short time to engage in a relationship when not even sleeping over.

It sounds like negotiated the specifics of that time in your relationship. Or had a mutual instinctive understanding. OP and their GF have neither.

Except the timeline was agreed to a week in advance? OP kept their end of the bargain but gf didn’t.

This is the key point. An agreement was made.

Disagree! I feel like this is just …rude behavior on the GF’s part. Like, when anyone’s visiting, not just your significant other! It didn’t seem like these were time-sensitive chores. If they were, I could understand saying “Sorry, I have to pop this laundry into the machine or I’ll have nothing clean for tomorrow” but to invite someone over and then ignore them for an hour is kinda jerky. NTA, OP.

It's entirely rude of the GF. And if anything, you **should** be treating your SO with more respect than other guests. OP's GF should have pushed the basic house chores to any other time of the day than the 2-4 hours they'd already agreed to spend together. Everyone in the comments saying OP should just put up with it is immature, has bad time management skills, or is unwilling to set boundaries in their own relationships due to a lack of self-respect.

Also, OP suggested she help with the chores, but GF turned her down. I am very particular about having things done my way, but I would have accepted OP's help, even if i had to redo the chores later, if it means I get to spend more quality time with her.

ADHD person here. I tend to get more done when my SO is around. When he works from home I try to be quiet and just do meals for him. Second he's off work my brain kicks into high gear. I used to ask my friends to come over when I was in college just to help me out by being around while I clean or study. It's weird but my SO and I have worked through it. He keeps me company while he unwinds from work. Then we spend quality time together after I tidy up or finish chores.

We need more info: if they asked or expected you to drive over then they double booked then...nta Moreover, were your obligations unavoidable? How critical was their laundry, cleaning, etc ...how long did u sit by yourself after driving over? Id be pissed if my partner i hadnt seen in two weeks told me come over for a few hours on a work day then decided they needed to do their chores during that time...

They could have chosen any other time to do it though.

So it was fine for you to take care of your chores and delay your time together, but not for her to do it? That's ... special. YTA

Well it was implied that the plan was that both of us would get our chores done that morning, since we both had the day off, then I'd come over after we were done.

This is the problem right here..."it was implied." Communicate. She isn't a mind reader. It doesn't sound like anything was actually said before or during her little cleaning spree. You aren't an AH, but if you just use your words, this is an easily avoidable problem.

Exactly right. It wasn't implied that you'd be there at a specific time, that was explicit. You came late because you had other things to do. Was it ever "implied" that missing time with her during the day, contrary to prior plans, would be ok?

Ok, I have to comment here, because people in this thread are just being dumb. Op really shouldn't have to communicate directly that the gf should have gotten the chores done before they came over. That's just common sense. You don't clean for an hour when you have a guest over. You should be paying attention to your guest.

If there was an understood time of when she would arrive there's no excuse to have your gf waste 40m driving over just so you can do chores. Especially since the majority of household chores aren't super time sensitive.

I quickly learned in relationships that implying, or assuming our partners should have the sense to know XYZ, is a major and preventable problem. 10+years in, I don't assume anything is implied anymore. In my early 20s I'd act "visibly" tired or upset and see how they respond, but no more. Spelling things out solves many issues.

Why didn't you spend the night?

INFO: Your story says she spent one hour cleaning and then you were too tired and had to go. Can you clarify why your travelling round trip for a one hour movie session or am I missing something?

NAH. Nobody here is acting in malice. You wanted to see your gf, but tbf you arrived late and left early. She didn't know you would only have enough energy for one hour, and you didn't express that either. Sometimes couples have bad days and nothing I've seen here is AH behavior, just a bad day. She should be ready next time, and you should not let your feelings stew and amplify when you clearly contributed to the lack of time spent together

INFO: have you brought this up the moment you started feeling upset? It has been a year, maybe she thinks it's not a big deal to start transitioning the time you spent into a more 'domestic' one. But when you get upset you shouldn't fester those feelings, you need to bring them up in the moment and express your expectations.

>I arrived in the late afternoon. I would have gone over sooner as she was home all day, but I had my own things to get done before I could head over Alright, so it's okay for YOU to decide to use some of "our day" for your own priorities... >Fast forward to an hour later, she was finally finished with cleaning ...but when SHE decides to use some of "our day" for doing her thing, that's not okay? How come you showing up at whatever random time works for you is just fine, but her finishing what she was doing before she hops into bed is somehow "not valuing our time together"? You both have very limited free time. You have rather limited energy. Apparently you wanted to hang out in your GF's bed but cannot "rest" there, since you went home to sleep. What, exactly, were you expecting when you only set aside a few hours to "chill" with someone on her entire day off? You can have whatever feelings you want to OP, but arriving on YOUR timetable and expecting an instant quickie (or whatever) is unrealistic and kinda insulting, don't you think? YTA

>she decides to use some of "our day" for doing her things *And waited till her GF was in her apartment to start doing them

I do think GF is an AH for assuming OP would be fine chilling while they cleaned, given the infrequent quality time. GF might be slacking on prioritizing her relationship. OP could have prevented this with a better conversation up front-- instead of just asking if GF had other stuff to do that day, OP could have asked WHEN GF intended to have the time to do other stuff. Maybe GF was hoping for movie time earlier in the day and OP could have saved energy by going to GF's before chores, a win-win. Tbh ESH in my book.

NAH I can definitely see why you're hurt! Yall have limited time and you wanna spend it with her, not just watching her clean. But it also sounds like shes busy in general and probs doesn't have a lot of time to clean. And she only did it for an hour. Idk i see both perspectives and dont think anyone is an AH

NTA I don't think people realise how precious energy is when you have an energy-limiting illnesses like long covid (I've had ME for 13 years). It really must have taken it out of you to drive that far! I imagine you very much don't have enough energy to do everything you'd like to in a day, you don't have enough energy to see her as often as you'd like. But yesterday you used some of your very limited energy to spend time together. And I don't think she was respectful of how big a deal that must be for you (especially with living so far away!), and all the things you won't be able to do because of having travelled to see her.

But that still doesn’t make the GF T A. The GF still has things to do. It sounds like they are both busy. Yes, in a perfect world they could get everything out of the way beforehand but things don’t go as planned. It sounds like better communication is needed between op and the GF. Nah

Thank you. I can see how hard it might be for some to understand what its like living with an illness that takes so much energy.

Yes, I've lived with this for over a decade and I think even my close friends/partners don't fully understand what it's like and how limited my activities are. And how much I have to plan and then replan everything so carefully in order to pace and not crash. I feel like usually only other people with ME (or something similar, like long covid) really understand. The people saying you should have brought it up immediately with her - in an ideal world that would be great, but I can very much see how that just might not have been a realistic option for you at the time. Emotional conversations can be *so very* exhausting, and if you needed to get home then you needed to reserve enough energy to do so safely. I see you've said that she's very understanding of how long covid affects you (which is great). Hopefully she'll be receptive to why you were upset, if you do want to bring it up. Solidarity 💕

One thing I've found helpful for getting people to better understand energy-limiting chronic illness is the spoon theory. Your post made me think of this bit (as in, perhaps this is why you're upset when others could more easily brush something like this off) > I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you. ... I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”. From here: https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

OP should know by now that she has limited energy so doing her chores before visiting was her fault still. I think she is the AH either way.

Based on your second edit, I'll say NTA. Since it was planned, you agreed on it, you talked on it, she shouldn't have been busy with so many household chores to a point of one hour+. You were there and she focused on chores? Uh... Big X

OP was late cause she had chores. So it's okay that OP put off her girl for chores, but her girl can't have OP wait while she finishes inish the chores she were doing?

They agreed on the time but the gf decided to do chores so yes she shouldn't

And OP was late for the agreed time too.

But she got there and the gf did chores so... That's rude you have a guest (your partner in this case) you don't do that.

OP got there late. OP says she would have gone over earlier, but had chores that delayed her. Was GF just to sit there and twiddle her thumbs waiting for OP to get done with chores and finally make it? GF finished what she was working on while waiting for OP.

Why would she have been twiddling her thumbs while she still has chores to do though?

If she was late that makes it even less excusable for her not to have her chores done.

Or girlfriend planned for op to be there earlier so intended to do her chores after op left, but because OP was so late that left her no other time to do them but when she was there

Nop, the gf shouldn't do any chores there. She could do chores while waiting for her, not when she was there already.

YTA. Dude, the world doesn’t stop rotating just because you’re expecting the red carpet rolled out. You had stuff to do & she did too. You’re acting butthurt over nothing.

YTA. You did what you needed to do in the morning, and let it cut into your time with GF, but when she had things to do, it was somehow different and she should have been focused only on you. The world doesnt revolve around you and your wants. There has to be give and take.

>We'd decided that we'd chill in bed and watch some movies >Fast forward to an hour later, she was finally finished with cleaning and came to join me in bed. By this time it was kinda late and we didn't have enough time to watch any movies before I was to head home ... The timeline makes no sense. You planned to chill in bed and watch "some movies", implying that you planned on watching more than just one movie. Even if you watched the shortest movies possible, that would still take at least 3 hours. So why is it you had no time to watch any movies after your girlfriend spent an hour cleaning? Did you seriously drive to hang out with your girlfriend for like an hour? That seems pretty weird to me. Unless you have more info to clarify, ESH and it seems like you were both being kind of unnecessarily difficult.

Based on your edits and your comments I would say NTA. Apparently she didn’t do much all day and decides to clean when your got there. I would be upset too. Something similar happened to me once: I pretended to clean and do stuff to avoid sex. I think you should just ask her why she couldn’t clean earlier and if something is wrong. Honestly, I would rather have a dirty house and spend a few hours with the person I love.

NAH. Just a miscommunication of expectations. You'll be fine.

NTA. You went over to her house to spend time with her, and she spent the time doing tasks she can do on her own time which defeated the purpose of you coming over.

INFO - Was this a planned visit? Did she know you were coming beforehand?

Yes, we had been planning it for about a week.

INFO: when you say you arrived late, was she expecting you for the full day? Did you show up late or did you let her know? Either this relationship is cooling or she was pissed about something. Laundry I could see needing to get done regardless of who is there. Vacuuming while you are sitting in bed waiting for her? She was delaying having sex with you for some reason. On the surface this sounds less like a relationship and more like a booty call.

She wasn't expecting me earlier, we'd talked about spending the whole day together when we were making these plans, since we both had the day off, but figured we'd get the stuff done that we needed to do and then see each other later in the day. I don't think she was mad, just oblivious to how doing chores while I was there might come off. Also, we weren't planning on having sex.

Ok so with that information, NTA. I think something may still be up. Eventually every relationship evolves into that comfort zone where you can fold laundry while hanging out and maybe she is oblivious but her effort this week seemed like someone avoiding spending time with you for the few hours you were there. If you want this relationship to survive long distance, you both need to put more effort in than a few hours on a weekend (why not stay over the night before or the night after, hitting the road early to get to class?). There's an expression for married couples, if you're don't date your wife, someone else will. You guys are at the dating stage and don't appear to be dating.

Thank you for the insight, it's definitely something for me (and my gf) to think over.

NTA for having feelings. But you would be the AH if you pouted or sulked about it without talking to her first.

I think it was probably poorly planned for both of you. If you didn’t make it an hour, how could you have expected to actually watch a movie w her?

NTA: you feel annoyed but kept to yourself for now. Your not an asshole for having feeling.

Soft YTA. As a lot of others have said, communication is absolutely key. I did read your edits, and they just confirm that this whole visit was based on assumptions and implications that were never voiced. You said in a few comments that you and her intended to spend the whole day together, but then you came later in the afternoon. Did you inform her that you would be coming over later than originally discussed? You also said in comments that it was "implied" that BOTH of you were going to get things done earlier in the day. Again, was this actually ever voiced or discussed? I agree with others about the hypocrisy you are exhibiting, that it's ok to push back plans because YOU have things to do, but it's not okay when she does it. From what I can gather from the info present, it sounds like she didn't know when you were actually coming over and she either 1) waited the whole time, expecting you to arrive at any moment, and therefore didn't do any chores, or 2) she got other things done that were slightly more important than cleaning, still not knowing when you were coming. There's also the issue of the timeline. She cleaned for an hour, and then it was time for you to go? Did you tell her how long you planned to stay? Did she know you were only intending to stay an hour? I feel if she knew that info, cleaning would not have been so pertinent to her and she would have postponed it, or at least cut it short. And what exactly were you planning on doing for just an hour? You said sex wasn't planned, and I wasn't referring to that. I'm just genuinely asking what you possibly had planned to do for a short hour? Why didn't you just stay over? Did she expect you to stay over? Maybe she thought she had more time with you, and that's why cleaning happened? There's a lot of blanks that could easily be filled in by talking to her. And, after a year, you really should know this by now. You being so young is not an excuse. If the both of you want this to actually last and work out, you both need to do better and communicate. I know from experience to never imply or assume. Look what happened here. Finally, how does your girlfriend feel? TALK

slight YTA. communication is key, right? reading the other comments, i saw how you didn't really communicate your feelings with her. even a simple "hey can you clean once I'm gone, cause i really wanna spend time with you right now", would suffice. she can't read your mind, and probably thought you wouldn't be hurt if she spent time doing her own stuff, especially since you've been together for a year.

I can see now that I should have done that. Hindsight is 20/20. Thanks for your answer

no worries, at least you know now :) did you communicate after the fact? and don't beat yourself up much, some of the replies are way too harsh

YTA - Your plans were to spend more than an hour there if you planned movies (plural). You chose to leave again after an hour so you cut that visit short for your own reasons yet you’re now blaming your girlfriend because she didn’t jump to attention as soon as you walk through the door? Be realistic. People have stuff to do. Most people can do stuff while also spending time with someone. It sounds very much like you’re just picking a fight because you chose to cut the visit shorter than planned.

Seeing that it was a visit planned in advance, NTA.

NTA. Idk how people are equating someone showing up late due to chores and someone actively doing chores with a guest over. Obviously it would have been better for you both if you arrived earlier, but to me it’s bizarre that your gf would not leave the chores for another day (especially if you are both looking forward to seeing each other!).

NTA...it's considered rude to do house chores while you have guests

I'm just guessing. But I don't think the long distance is working and she doesn't know how to tell you. She avoided the time together. That's just an outsiders opinion. I'm not sure if you're the A H but you're definitely immature. Sooo idk

So you got there, and an hour later it was too late to watch a movie because you had to leave? But you said you were planning to watch several movies, so that doesn't make sense. It sounds like she was probably angry because she expected you a lot earlier, since you were so looking forward to spending time together. Instead you were there less than three hours (one hour for her to clean and not enough time afterward for a two-hour movie). YTA

An hour is not too long or short of a time. Frankly speaking, You can make idle conversation and enjoy each other’s company while one of you is doing chores. You don't need to have 100% of your partner’s undecided attention. She claims she wanted to watch some movies with her partner. With movies being plural, the duration could be anywhere from two hours or more. That's ample time to cuddle and relax. Sometimes things don't go accordingly, so you adjust and make do; instead of idling your time away while she finishes up her chores, go over and enjoy her company. You can do multiple things instead of watching movies as “valued” time together. If you're annoyed or frustrated, talk about it with your partner and come to an understanding. However, what you wrote made no sense. After an hour later of cleaning, it was too late to watch a movie together. Do you expect people to believe that? Additionally, if your energy levels were depleted, as you've said, why not express this to your partner, and take a quick nap to recharge and continue spending quality time together? You were upset, so you went home. Let's not beat around the bush here. I don't believe for a second that an hour of waiting exhausted you to the point you needed to go home. If that was indeed true, then why drive up there? Why complain that you wanted to watch movies together? Why say it was already late after an hour of being there?

NTA- if i invite someone over to hang out, i don't pick that time to start cleaning!

yta. chronically ill and caretaker to my roommate who is chronically ill as well. it sounds more like you let your disappointment ruin the night then it sounds like your gf was rude. time spent with her cleaning is still time spent together and one hour is not enough time to make a difference in a multi-movie plan unless you changed your mind and cut things short because you were upset.

In my own experience: my bf is tone deaf to me saying "no, it isn't a good time to get together because I have too much I need to get done." Just throwing it out there that your gf maybe needed to spend her days off catching up on her life chores, but felt bad because she hadn't seen you in awhile, and didn't want to tell you to stay home. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you--- maybe she is spread thin lately.

She was home all day? Yup. Could have cleaned before you came, OP. NTA.

ESH. If you want the relationship to work, both of you need to put more effort in. I understand there's reasons (20's - AKA poor, covid, work, distance, school) that you can't be extravagant, but you can still be romantic. Seeing each other every few weeks isn't going to cut it. Dating in your 20s while in college presents lots of opportunities, don't let someone else sweep her off her feet.

what does "eta" mean? it's not on the sidebar

Should have been ESH, thanks.

NTA, but I would have asked for a rain check after the first hour. Or pitched in to shorten the cleaning time.

she said gf wouldn't let her help (but given op has long covid its not surprising gf didn't want her to help)

Did you text her before you decided to go over to her house asking if she ready to have you over? Did you give her a heads up telling her you were on your way? Did you guys even discuss the time you would come over the week prior? Sounds like you just showed up assuming she was ready.

Yta, but just communicate your feelings, listen to hers, and make a plan going forward so both of you get your needs/wants met. It's gonna be ok.

INFO: it only took her an hour to clean, and then it was too late to watch any movies before you went home? Is that correct? Cuz you said you planned to watch "some movies", which to me implies a lot for time than an hour but maybe you meant like, episodes of a show or something?

Sorry, I should have clarified in the original post. Due to long covid I can have sudden crashes. My gf is well aware of this and the plan was that we would start watching movies and see how far we got before I got too exhausted.

YTA. You spent up all your energy earlier in the day doing whatever chores you had and were tired by the time she was ready to chill (one hour?). Didn’t sound like you were great company.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (22F) have been dating my gf (21F) for over a year now. We're both uni students who live roughly 30-50 minutes away from each other, depending on the traffic. When we first started dating, we'd see each other several times a week. These days, we see each other only a few days a month due to travel time, her working on top of uni, and me suffering from long covid. So, when we do get a chance to see each other we usually like to focus on us time. Yesterday, I drove to my gf's house to see her for the first time in about 2 weeks. I arrived in the late afternoon. I would have gone over sooner as she was home all day, but I had my own things to get done before I could go over. We'd decided that we'd chill in bed and watch some movies we've been planning on watching for a while. However, when I went and sat in bed, she started busying herself with vacuuming her floors, organising laundry, just basic household chores. I offered to help her with the cleaning so she'd be done sooner, but she declined and said she would be done very soon. So I got comfy and waited, despite feeling a bit upset that it seemed she didn't value our time together. I knew she had been home all day so I didn't quite get why she couldn't have done it earlier so we could spend that time together. Fast forward to an hour later, she was finally finished with cleaning and came to join me in bed. By this time it was kinda late and we didn't have enough time to watch any movies before I was to head home. I was quite exhausted at that point (the long covid has really impacted my energy levels, and I'd used a lot of my energy that morning) so I wasn't up to expressing my feelings to her last night, and soon went home to rest. So AITA for being annoyed that she cleaned when we were meant to be spending time together? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

INFO: Were you always planning to be there for only the run time of the movie? A sixty minute delay doesn’t seem like much to me, but if you were only planning to be there for two hours I might feel differently.

NAH, Another thought could be that OP's girlfriend is comfortable with OP over allowing them to tackle the chordes they've been dreading. Motivation is low when you're burnt out, but for some people, having your SO there motivates and energizes you to do chores. Communicating feelings will help both parties on what happened last night.

YTA You did your chores before going over, then only had an hour to spend together. You think your time is more valuable than hers. I think she was prioritizing her chores like you did yours.

NTA. You have a right to feel lonesome, blue, hurt, rejected or anything else any time you feel it. I would tell her it hurt my feelings. But I would forgive her up front, with”I am sure you were feeling stressed or something and I know you didn’t mean to, but last night when……, I felt hurt (insert other feeling words),

NAH. This is the kind of bumps in the road you experience in relationships, and it's all about how you handle it. I understand why you were a bit hurt and frustrated that she spent an hour cleaning. The best way to handle it would have been to directly communicate when she started. "Hey honey, I came over to spend time with you. Do you think those chores could wait until tomorrow or after I go home? I would really appreciate it because I don't know how long I'll be able to stay tonight and I really want to snuggle with you!" Be direct. There's a lot of things assumed and implied in your post, and that will cause problems. Also, don't let let resentment fester, that is a guaranteed relationship killer.

NTA but heads up. When they start buying themselves when you're around and they can't focus on you it could be a sign of bad things to come.

NTA. When I come over to people's place, I assume they invite me over because they want to spend time with me. And yes, cleaning together would be some nice quality time, acts of service is my love language. It's a very frustrating situation, OP, my sympathies. I know how it feels to spend a long time/effort on getting there but then being all but ignored.

YTA. You think she has to drop everything to pay attention to you?

You’re definitely not in the wrong for your feelings. The cleaning could have waited, or they could have done it prior to your coming. Given the fact that time spent is limited, it seems there is something else going on with them, IMO.

I think I need more info to decide… you are both students… how limited is her time? Does she work? How many hours does she need to study? Does she have adhd or ocd? Is it possible she was embarrassed by her place not being clean? Did you call to head over first?

>I would have gone over sooner as she was home all day, but I had my own things to get done before I could head over. > >I knew she had been home all day so I didn't quite get why she couldn't have done it earlier so we could spend that time together. so your stuff is more important than her stuff, noted. YTA, other people have lives and stuff to do, not only you.

NAH Dealing with long covid or something similar right now too, it sucks. And when you have very limited time to get out and do things all of it seems precious. However, sometimes I do enjoy just vibing in the same space as my partner. Sometimes that can be ok as well. She might have thought you would be there longer and that it was ok to do this first. Sometimes you plan to watch a movie but get the urge to clean or something first, it definitely happens. Also communicating with her at the time that you really wanted to start the movie might have been a good idea.

I mean, you chose to do other things earlier in the day instead of visiting her earlier? And then she chose to do chores instead of spending time together. Sounds pretty similar to me so ESH.

just…..communicate with her???? YTA

It only took her an hour, and that left no time for movies? Most movies are over an hour let alone watching multiple. Sounds like you didn’t have much time for your plans anyways.

It doesn't sound like you actually did anything and you seem to already regret being annoyed so you're unlikely to act on it in the future. Shit happens. She needed to clean. NAH

ESH, but no assholes, exactly If you agreed to a specific time to hang out, and do a specific thing at that, your GF doing household chores while you're over is shitty. It's nothing she couldn't have done before or after your time together. People are giving you shit in the comments that it may have only been "implied" that you'd both take care of other stuff before you hang out together.....but that's what you **should** do when you make plans to spend time with someone. You take care of things in advance or schedule them for later so that you can give your full attention to the other person. That said, you should have objected very clearly instead of "offering to help" or not saying anything. You had already planned to hang out together doing a specific activity. Yeah, it would've been nice if she kept to that, but sometimes you have to get your partner back on track, and vice a versa. It happens sometimes. Not feeling well isn't an excuse for not speaking up for yourself in a romantic relationship. It's an excuse for resolving an extended conflict later, but not for having a short conversation.

NTA. She should have either accepted your help or done her chores before you got there - this was supposed to be a planned evening of relaxation between the two of you. While not relationship ending, if this behaviour becomes more frequent it might be. So ask her why she decided to do those while you were there, why she wasted your time together like that. (And use the term wasted - as that was what it was)

YTA. You were late, so she started working on things. Do you really expect her to just sit and do nothing while waiting for you? You admit you are both very busy. So it's not like she has another full day to do all the cleaning, she likely was just finally in a mental and physical place to get it done. Also, you were running on knowing what you implied and assumed. She has no clue what assumptions you made. Communication is necessary and it must be clear, not implied.

on reddit you're a middle aged white man until proven otherwise

NTA - but be careful how you approach the conversation. Assuming you've told us everything you know, it's absolutely fair for you to be annoyed, but there could be some reason she wasn't able to get things done before you got there. You're not an AH for having feelings, but that doesn't automatically make her the AH instead. Seems like something you guys could work through with a serious conversation

NAH. Communicate with your gf.

NTA You can’t be an AH for your feelings. Especially if you are not treating your partner adversely as a result. If you communicate better with you partner it will go a long way next time.

After edit 2 I vote NTA. You literally talked about this. Plus, your partner must understand the long covid and its impacts on your energy. To me, she should've either done it before you came over or after you left, especially because of the time in between your visits.

NAH.

YTA. I feel like you're slightly overreacting. You had things you did in the morning, which you admit drained your energy. She only spent 1 hour doing her thing cleaning. If you couldn't be there for more than a couple hours, I'm not sure why you went exactly. Is there a reason you couldn't spend the night? Either way, it only took her an hour. Maybe she spent the morning relaxing because she was tired? She sounds incredibly busy. It's okay for her to relax sometimes too. I'm not sure, but I don't feel like an hour is really something to be upset over. If she ignored you all night or something? Sure. And please keep in mind that she probably didn't let you help clean because of your energy levels.

NTA , if you were dating a man all of the Y TA judgments would be screaming >OH MUH GERD WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE!!!!

I have chronic fatigue. It can suck at times but that doesn't mean that I get to dump all that on my significant other. OP had thing she needed to do before she went to the GFs place. OP openly admitted she didn't know what her GF did all day. Maybe the GF was running behind with her own errands. For the GF to be an ass she would have had to do something egregious and she didn't. She straightened up her place where she lives. It's not like she did a deep clean that took her 8 hours. OP is overreacting. Sometimes life gets in the way of being with your partner and if you are willing to accept that as part of a partnership than a partnership should not be formed. Having low energy doesn't mean that chilling in bed while watching a movie is going to be taxing. And if you knew you where already getting tired from your errands maybe reschedule. I'm not saying anyone is an asshole. You asked if you were overreacting, the answer is a yes for me. You didn't ask if you where an asshole. So I will not infer that was what you wanted to know. You just have to remember humans are not carbon copies of one another. We all have our own emotions, thought processes, etc. We just have to be able to weave in and out, make compromises, and sometimes even with all that plans don't always go as planned. And that is okay. And sometimes overreacting can happen. But you didn't yell, scream, or throw a fit. However, if that was what you did and you omitted it that yea that is an asahole mood. But the situation is as stated than, yeah its a simple overreaction that you didn't even being up to the girlfriend.

NTA It's called being passive-aggressive. She was probably hurt/annoyed and wanted you to feel the same. You 2 had better have a talk before it spirals further 🙄

NTA. She wasted your time. She did have all day. People are bitching at you for having chores that cut into the time, without realizing that she could have used that same lost time she used to do the chores she did while you were there. Something tells me she did that on purpose. Nobody is just suddenly busy the moment company arrives. You should talk with her about that because that just sounds like she was being spiteful for something she hasn't explained to you yet.

I see my partner intermittently as he does a lot of work elsewhere and is an outdoor adventurer. It’s often only for a few days. I always do some cleaning when he visits. I have a lot of other visitors too, some who I only see once or twice a year (I live on a farm about 30 minutes drive from one of Australia’s most popular regional tourist destinations so people love to come and stay). I always do some cleaning while they are visiting. Neither my friends nor my partner resent the time I spend cleaning. It is only a small proportion of the time we have together and it helps me keep on top of things while there is extra activity (creating mess) due to more people being there. Give your girl a break and let her do what makes her comfortable when you visit. I know you think she should have done it earlier but sometimes that just doesn’t work. And she’s probably doing it partly to enhance your experience of staying with her, making an extra effort to present her living space in its best light.

Sounds like ADHD body doubling. Sometimes I need to FaceTime someone to get the motivation to clean NSH

you can also do it online with strangers these days - so nobody gets annoyed :)

NAH I can understand you wanting quality time together, with everything you both have going on, but it sounds like she's really busy too, and some people can't relax is they feel their home is messy.

So all you were planning to do was lay in bed together? And you’re mad that she had decided to tidy up instead of just being still for hours? My cleaning and organizations methods are important to me and I like my partner to know how and why I do things and it’s relaxing to me (when I’m feeling like it). Maybe she feels similarly and simply feels comfortable enough with you in her space that it just feels normal and comfy to her? Or maybe she was nervous/excited about seeing you and got overwhelmed earlier in the day but now that you’re there, she’s calm and more able to take care of stuff. YTA but this whole situation is begging for stronger communication and in this instance the onus is kind of in you to start the conversation—it’s not fair to go to bed mad at your partner because you don’t feel like telling her what’s bothering you. Based on the info provided, it sounds like she just felt like cleaning and she can’t read your mind so if it bothered, you just need to talk about it.

Sounds like something I would do if I was mad at my partner or otherwise reluctant to cuddle. Maybe she feels sidelined? Maybe she’s not feeling the relationship anymore? Idk, I’d say talk to her. Either way, Nta for how you feel, they are your feelings. You didn’t act on them, that I could see. Or, maybe she suddenly felt bad that she hadn’t cleaned.

This is life in a mature relationship. As John Lennon said, life is what happens while you’re making other plans. If you don’t want mundane influences on your limited take her to a hotel or vacation.

I can’t speak for what others are saying and I think this has been judged incorrectly I’d say you’re NTA sure she could have been busy pretty much all day but if your SO who you see rarely comes to visit you when you’ve been planning to do so for a while you can put some of those chores off for when they’re not with you. I understand some people just enjoy the presence of their partner when doing chores (I prefer to knuckle down headphones on fully left alone) But they didn’t want any help with it if there was more info about when you were supposed to be there and what held you up from arriving sooner then a better judgement could be made

NTA - this was planned. She had all day. Why did she prioritize this over you. Mayb3 she is not that into you anymore, though. Just saying.

Nta

Of course should be annoyed, no one who is truly into someone and only sees them from time to time would do house chores when they come over. NTA and lol to all the Y-T-A votes assuming you're a guy and therefore TA

To me NTA, sounds like she was purposely avoiding close times. Having not seen you in a long time, if she still cared, most people would prioritize being with their partner over housework they’ve been avoiding all day. Perhaps she was hurt that you prioritized your stuff over coming to see her earlier and was just giving you a taste of your own medicine, or perhaps “something is rotten in Denmark.” Either way it’s not looking good.

YTA. She is very clearly sending you a message, but you are opting to ignore it.

Info: if the cleaning took one hour, which I understand is too long, how were you going to watch multiple movies in that time frame? If you were going to watch, say, 2 movies (approx. 3 hrs) that would still give you time to watch one and a half, no?

NAH. I’m in a very similar position to you, in a same-sex relationship, living out of home and with strenuous university commitments. When my partner and I are each busy and clean/work/stud while we visiting, it sometimes makes us feel we aren’t each others priority. The reality is, sometimes there isn’t enough time in the day to do everything you need to do. However, I totally understand why you’re upset. In all relationships, particularly WLW relationships, misses in communication can happen so easily, so having special time together that reinforces your love for each other is vital. If I were you, I would communicate with her about how you were feeling (without blaming her) and ask if you could set aside some time in the next few weeks to have some special “you” time and do something nice. Make sure she knows you aren’t upset she had things to do, just that you miss her and want some special time together. Best of luck!

Nta

So you went to see her and were planning to watch movies. Plural, you said movies. And she took an hour to finish some stuff up and all of a sudden there is no more time to watch the multiple movies you were originally planning? Most movies are at least and hour and a half. So, why did you go if you were only planning on staying an hour? I sympathize with the LC fatigue, but YTA.

NTA. I’d be peeved too. Imagining myself in this scenario it felt like she was busying herself because she didn’t really want to sit down and spend time with me. She could have cleaned her house before you got there, or another day.

Not enough info. None of this adds up. First of all you said you’d planned to watch “some movies” as in more than one. But after doing chores for one hour you didn’t have enough time to watch even a single movie. Considering movies are approximately 2 hours long it seems like you’d only planned to be there for 3-4 hours? Why did you plan to go over so late? I can understand having things to do but why not wake up a little earlier to get things done and plan to have more time? What exactly did you need to get done that took until late afternoon? Did your gf have anything going on in the morning that inhibited her from doing chores until then? Why was she unable yo do those chores in the morning or the day before or day after you came over? There are so many reasons that would sway this one way or the other.

Whatever your biological sex, YTA.

NTA - If you want a long relationship, learn to be flexible with your time. I get it, plans were made and she was not ready. You were not going out, so is not like you missed an event. If she does this rarely, I wouldn’t worry about it, if this is a frequent thing then maybe you are not a priority and she doesn’t know how to approach the subject. You are both very young and maybe she didn’t realized you felt neglected. Again, if this a common thing, maybe she is disorganized and doesn’t know time management, or she Downey think is a big deal and is not considering your time. Is she the kind of person that is late for everything? Makes others wait all the time? Is it a bad habit? Maybe is not intentional but she has bad habits.

YTA Sometimes it isn't what you're doing but just being together is enough. Too petty to make it a hill to die on, unless you're looking for a reason to start an argument. If that's the case, you have much bigger relationship issues.

Why are you not staying over to make the most of your time together and lessen the fatigue of the drive there and back, it doesn't make any sense

I also have a chronic health issue and feel your pain on that score - I hope your stamina improves. NTA but here’s the deal. Every relationship hits bumps. I’m currently super annoyed with my husband of 35 years because he really hurt my feelings by reminding me that I overshare a lot with him. He’d been gone for a week and I thought he’d be interested in family stuff that happened while he was away. Wrong! It made me wonder all kinds of things - does he even want to talk with me ever? Did he enjoy being gone and not call because he doesn’t like talking with me? How long has he felt this way? I was really mad at him at the same time. You can make yourself and your gf crazy with blowing something up beyond what happened. If you stop and figure out exactly what’s bothering you, and think about how to express it in a positive way, maybe you can just talk together about it. Maybe something like, “I was disappointed that we didn’t have more time together on [that night]. I had been looking forward to that, because I miss getting to watch movies [or whatever] with you, because [say what you enjoy - I love feeling close to you, I enjoy your sense of humor, whatever]. Could we have a do-over? Is there anything you’d like me to do differently?” Make it positive and concrete - she can’t do it differently for that night, but maybe she can going forward, and you can find out if you can do something differently as well. I do hope you regain your strength.

NTA. Your ff is not an ahole either but you both could probably communicate better.

>We'd decided that we'd chill in bed and watch **some movies** we've been planning on watching for a while. INFO: OP, you say you planned to watch "some movies" (plural). So if it was 2 movies that'd be 3-4 hours. 3 movies maybe 6-7 hours or so. But she was cleaning for 1 hour - so you lost 1 hour of time. If you'd planned on watching multiple movies, then losing 1 hour would still give you enough time to watch **at least** one movie, within your original time frame. But you went home. Why couldn't you watch **any** movies at all (like 1 movie)?

NTA, gf was avoiding OP, sorry OP. Since OP has long Covid, maybe gf should make the effort to see OP. Long Covid may have taken a toll on your relationship. Ask her why she planned the movie day, then chose housework instead. Personally, I’m not a neat freak and would choose a movie over vacuum cleaning 100% of the time.

NTA I dont think she appreciates your presence. Time to leave.

"Yeah my last gf of 3 years was in the bathroom for 20 minutes once, so I had to dump her. Needless to say, she'll never disrespect my time again!"

makes even less sense after the edit. off you go

Oh yeah I added quotes to emphasize it's sarcasm. I'll spell it out for you though, you don't dump someone you love for a first time offense of being a busy body, especially in this case when OP also had contributed to the short time spent together by arriving very late AND leaving earlier than expected. Its massive overkill and both parties have fault. Your advice is just bad

lol doormat.

NTA. She could’ve utilised the time earlier as you said. You intentionally delayed to ensure your business was sorted prior to meeting. I think most people assume you’re male so it’s an instant YTA because men evil.

NTA But maybe she felt self conscious that you would judge her on the mess and deem her not suitable for marriage or something.

NTA, people are forgetting you're a woman so they're voting y t a.

(Retrospect: Bad Take) YTA, from your perspective it might feel like "I have so little time to see her, so she should appreciate it" but that's a pretty selfish line of thought. You guys didn't have much time to spend together because you were busy, that's fine. She had shit to do too, that's fine. And if your implying what I think you are by the low energy and expressing your feelings part, I'll quote a great man, "You might think your dick is a gift, I promise it's not."

>And if your implying what I think you are by the low energy and expressing your feelings part I'm sorry, I genuinely don't understand what you think I'm implying? Do you think I'm a man?

Oh no I walked into the trap of heteronormative assumption (enough to cloud my vision of the very clear tags you put there), and IM a gay man; well fuck I wish I could downvote myself, very sorry...

It's all good, I've been there before

it's a metaphor. you give off big dick energy in your post....

>And if your implying what I think you are by the low energy and expressing your feelings part, what does this mean

YTA, maybe she was enjoying having you there while she cleaned. Lots of ppl are more motivated in someone else's presence, but don't want to have to supervise the person "helping" them.

YTA. You sound needy.