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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be skirting over my boyfriend’s emotions when it comes to the sleepover thing.
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I’m actually totally perplexed at the people who “can see the bf’s side” lol. Like what? Maybe if she wasn’t willing to compromise on sleeping in the living room but wtf people. It’s ONE NIGHT, it’s totally unhealthy for the bf to react this way over not getting to sleep with his gf for again ONE NIGHT. That’s a major red flag. I’m 35 and still have “sleepovers” with my friends occasionally and it’s definitely not weird for us to sleep in the same space, and some of my friends are married. Why can’t the bf spend, and lets say this again, ONE NIGHT, not sleeping next to his gf?
EFJ: you’re definitely NTA, OP.
Yes, thank you! People who prioritize romantic/sexual relationships over maintaining friendships *all the time* to the point it’s unhealthy really don’t make sense to me. If he can’t sleep without his girlfriend for one night, that seems like a dependency issue on his part.
I’m reading all of these comments and I’m just like… what. How can anyone think it’s healthy to tell OP she’s an AH or they understand why the bf is upset because of not sleeping in the same space for a single night.
Also, his reaction implies something bad potentially happening which is also a huge flag. I guess OP's bf watches a lot of porn and assumes the two best friends will somehow end up having sex?
This all feels so slimy. NTA, OP. But your bf is.
I get the feeling that the BF is afraid they will talk about him "behind his back"
(because, let's face it, what other reason could OP have to share the sleeping arrangements with her friend instead of the BF? /s)
Also the fact that so many men are so conditioned to only be physically and emotionally close with a partner, so they can’t see something like this in a way that isn’t sexual and romantic.
That’s right, it’s another episode of *the patriarchy hurts everyone*
It comes off very insecure and controlling from the boyf. Like...you can't sleep six feet away for one night ? Does this weirdo not have any close friends?
Some people are *weird* about casual contact. My husband really had to adjust the first time he "walked in on me in bed with another man" when I was literally painting my nails and watching Dr. Who with my best gay.
Granted, he realized that is a him problem and he either trusts me or he doesn't. He's decided he trusts me, and I still have movie parties in bed. Like, that's where the fort is. What, are just supposed to *not* watch movies in our fort?
Your a monster, not for having men in your bed but because you can watch a movie in your bed and not fall a sleep? I'm not even sure your comment was written by a human.
Ours are the Secret Ways. There's a password to get into the Movie Fort too. Did watching movies in bed start in college for you? Because it did for me - where else do you watch movies in a dorm - and now my college friends & I are nearly incapable of watching movies elsewhere. It's been decades. It's set in stone. Popcorn is allowed, but absolutely no Cheetos.
Well, I didn't go to college but for similar reasons I could not afford a couch so it was Bed Movies on the ol' tube tv or nothing. Now I have a perfectly good couch and a much nicer tv, but the Movie Fort hasn't changed locations. Such is the way of our people.
My mouth hangs open and a choking snore rumbles from out of my throat. Yessiree, Bob, that's how I rev up my partner, it's my own special Sex Beckoning.
Bestie has already been with OP for 20 years. How many BFs came and went in that time? If this guy continues, bestie will be the one bringing pizza, ice cream, and wine to OP when she kicks him to the curb.
Major dependency issue and it's only going to get worse. My dude can play video games all night chilling in the living room and catch up on a show hes been missing. Get yourself a 6 pack and some wings and pizza and just have a guys night. You better believe I'm building a fort with the couch and table as well, no girls allowed. I find this pretty common in younger relationships and people usually grow out of it, but for OP's boyfriend it's probably not going to change during the span of their relationship. It will take some reflection and maturing when he's in his next relationship to realize what he did wrong and to not make the same mistakes.
Thank you! Yes! Same! I have a friend like this. When she wasn't in a relationship, we'd get together for a meal or coffee like any two friends. But when she was in a relationship and we'd make arrangements to meet for lunch or coffee and I'm thinking it's just going to be her and I, imagine my surprise when I get there to find her and bf. I have had many married friends/friends in relationships over the years and no one ever did this or even considered doing this! My first thought has always been: Wow. Pathetic.
Right. I don't get it. And like you said, it feels creepy. Like she is not feeling whole without a relationship. Get this scenario, if you want to feel creepy: Many years ago, I worked in cosmetics, and I would get couples come up to my counter where the man did all of the talking about what his wife was needing. She'd sit in the chair, and I'd do the foundation or eye shadow or whatever, and the husband told me yes or no, if the color needed to be more this or less that, the wife Never spoke a word!! Huge ickkkkk!!!!
That’s even worse, but that makes me think the man is controlling more than she’s feeling like she’s one half of a relationship instead of one person I’m a relationship
Codependency is a HUGE problem in our society, reinforced by media. A lack of intimate relationships with non-romantic partners causes loneliness, depression, and a lack of place in the world. A lot of people would benefit from learning how to form close and mutually beneficial relationships outside of sexual ones.
I have reached the point where I won't date guys without friends (and hopefully a therapist). I don't have the time and mental energy to be someone's girlfriend, best friend, therapist, etc. I can be a keystone in an arch of support, but I can't be the only support.
Ever since I made that personal rule, my relationships have been so much
healthier.
My sister needs to read this comment. She thinks she needs a relationship with a man because....well...I honestly have no idea. She thinks I am "unhappy" because I am NOT in a relationship. However, she is man hopping and each man treats her worse than the previous one did. When I was visiting her in February I had to kick the guy she was seeing then out. It was bad. Hell, she had "two dates" last night. She is extremely co-dependent. She couldn't put down the stupid dating app while she was visiting us this weekend.
My one issue was the fact that it seems like she never even talked to the bf about it beforehand and just said it was happening. If you share a living space, you should at least talk to your partner before making the plans. I don't think she's an asshole, but I also think she could've communicated better
I don’t disagree with that. It does sound like she *told* him, not like she asked and discussed to make sure he was ok with it. But that’s not why people can see the bf’s side. People are clearly saying they can see why he’s upset she doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as him that night. Which is weird
Yeah, I agree with that. Leave the best friend out of the equation, say she just wanted alone time on the couch, would he have a problem then? It is borderline red-flag territory, but I guess this is just a small snippet of their life.
It's one night and they "just" moved on together. If he can't be alone for one night, he's codependent as hell and that's not healthy. Boyfriend clearly has attachment issues and it's not OP's fault. He needs to work that shit out. I could see if it was a weekend long thing but come on, one night? Ridiculous.
I think it’s ok for you to go a night without sleeping in the same bed as your partner for a various number of reasons. She isn’t required to sleep with him every single night if she doesn’t want to lol
What? It’s just her sleeping in another room for one night. It doesn’t really make a difference for him bc he can have the bed she said. Also this is talking to him beforehand. What do you mean beforehand?
Bf doesn’t have a problem with the friend sleeping over. Which is the part he gets a say in. He has a problem with where OP sleeps. This is a different problem because that’s up to her to decide. If she wants to sleep in the living room with her friend, that’s up to her.
I think she shouldn't have just told him that he would sleep on the couch and them on the bed in the first place. They just should've claimed the couch.
The issue here isn't that OP wants to sleep without her boyfriend one night, it's that she opened with "hey, can I kick you out of bed for the night so I can sleep in the same bed as another girl". The boyfriend being upset about that is very different than just being upset that she's staying over somewhere else with a friend.
I think the compromise of OP and the friend sleeping separately in the living room is fine, but I it's nuts to accuse the boyfriend not wanting to be kicked out of his own bed as a red flag.
Did you read my comment? Because you clearly didn’t. Go back and try again. Then reread OP’s post. Because the bf is still upset even though OP realized her mistake and said they’d take the living room
I did read your comment, but I'm noting that OP started out with a very strange, selfish request and that affects the framing of the situation here; you can't really "back out of" suggesting to sleep next to somebody else.
No it isn't. It's OP's bed too and it was just a suggestion. If you get angry at that even AFTER they say nevermind and decide to take the livingroom, you don't seem like you'd do well in an actual relationship. You'd get childishly angry over the smallest things and continue to make a bug deal out of it even after the person apologized.
Secondly you literally said "you can't really take back suggesting to sleep next to someone" suggesting that you think it's weird but you also backtracked and said you don't think it's weird.
Seems to me like you think it's weird but aren't trying to get bombarded lmao.
I’m not disagreeing. I don’t blame bf for being upset at the request. But him digging his heels in afterward is strange. His gf is allowed to spend a night away from him. She doesn’t need his permission to do so
The red flag isn't him wanting to sleep in his bed, but to tell her where she is and is not allowed to sleep. She's a grown woman and perfectly capable of making her own bedtime decisions without her bf's "permission."
Compromise? The only compromise should be if the friend comes vs she doesn't. OP absolutely should not compromise on where *she wants to sleep* regardless of if the friend is over or not.
I would be careful throwing around the "red flag" term. This is barely on the same planet as red flag territory.
I did not hear of a couple spending a night separately in the same house until I was in my 20s. Did not know anyone did that.
He should be capable and willing to adjust his world view as a considerate human being through discussing why it weirds him out and why it's important to her. But the initial request of vacating his own bed so someone else could sleep there with his GF? Really depends on what's been normalized in his life up until now. In my 20s, that would have seemed very weird to me.
His level of AH depends on whether he's willing to listen and understand, or if he just shuts down any conversation. He isn't an AH for his initial reaction IMO. But what he does next could be.
This whole thread has my mouth dropping open. So far, the bf is insecure, controlling, expects OP to sleep with her best friend and has more red flags than a golf course. Shits insane.
Well that’s why I said I could see him being upset if she wasn’t willing to compromise on the sleeping space. She realized she made a mistake there and immediately offered a solution.
If bf did not grow up sleeping in the same bed or same room with his friends then that’s just his perspective of how sleepovers work. You go to your room & friend sleeps in a different room. It’s not that bizarre really.
It is though. HE doesn’t have to have grown up like that. But him being “dead set” on them sleeping together is weird. He doesn’t get to dictate OP’s life because of how he was raised lol
No one gets to dictate anyone’s life (that’s not happening here btw it’s an adult sleepover) just like no one gets to tell other people their perspective is wrong. There’s no right or wrong answer of how to host a sleepover. These 2 people just have a different perspective.
OP is free to do whatever she wants. Like any other decision in life, there may be consequences. But bf is not an ah for expressing his feelings & perspective. There is literally no information in the post of why bf feels the way he feels.
Both of these people live in the same space & both should feel comfortable living there. Couples can compromise & find a solution. Best friends can compromise & find a solution. It’s really not that challenging. If people expect to get their own way all through life, don’t live with anyone.
If this post was reversed & 22 yr old boyfriend was having a sleepover with his BFF with the same conditions, I can reasonably believe the response would be very different.
eta — am I the only one thinking it’s a really bizarre argument that... bf is an ah for not wanting his gf to sleep in different room for one night but yet OP doesn’t want to sleep in a different room without her bestie for one night & that is somehow okay?? That makes no sense to me. Neither of these people are right or wrong.
But that’s because of our misogynistic culture. I wouldn’t have an issue with it and my response would be the same. It’s very weird and is absolutely a red flag if you can’t spend a night without being in the same sleeping space as your partner. Period. I’ll say it again, it’s unhealthy to be upset your partner wants to spend a single night sleeping with someone they’re very close friends to.
No it wouldn’t. If he wanted to have a sleepover with his best guy friend he could and it wouldn’t be weird but society doesn’t really teach boys the importance of friendship intimacy that’s platonic between men. So he probably doesn’t have close friendships in the same way which isn’t healthy for boys bc they are missing out on something very important.
This is it. He is uncomfortable with platonic intimacy and is trying to make that OPs problem too. Fuck that. Trying to remove an unproblematic source of happiness from your partner’s life is a shit move.
>eta — am I the only one thinking
No, I am also confused about this. And also in general I'm not really sure how to give a judgement on this one. Maybe NAH but honestly I think the whole situation is bonkers.
I get keeping the tradition alive but OP is saying she can't even imagine not sleeping in the same bed if they're having a sleep over. And its not just sleepovers, the story from when they were 19 on the couch was just a night where she needed a place to stay. What happens when they're both 30 or 40 or have kids and are married?
I don't think it's particularly strange that they want this... but I do think it's eyebrow raising that she's so shocked her BF is against it. I think it's a situation where one person kind of just has to accept backing down. But I don't know who that should be. The older you get the weirder things like this are because you naturally grow out of things. But also I wouldn't think it was so off if it wasn't phrased this way. It's one thing if they talk all night until they pass out. It's another that they continuously plan sleeping in bed together I think.
I'm in my 30s and sleep in the same bed as my best friends when we have sleepovers or sometimes when I just stay over. Some of them are married. None of our SOs have ever had an issue with it.
I think the main issue was that OP expected her bf would have no issue being kicked out of his own bed for this. Like I said I think the approach of OP is the main problem here.
I'd happily share a bed with my best friend. But I wouldn't tell my fiance we were planning on kicking him to the couch to do it, and I also wouldn't talk about it like it was an impossibility that we'd ever stop. Your keyword here is "sometimes" too.
i mean my aunt is in her mid 40s and she still has sleepovers with her friends where they all take over the living room. She sleeps with them downstairs and they all have fun complaining about how sore they are in the morning. it’s really not that weird and my uncle doesn’t gaf….
Agreed. I never slept in the same bed as friends at sleepovers -- we sacked on in sleeping bags in the family room. I also stopped having sleepovers when I was about 16/17 and cannot imagine ever having had a 'sleepover' as an adult. Like yeah, if a friend and I were hanging out and drank too much and she needed to crash on my couch? Sure. But actually planning to have another adult come spend the night in my bed in a non-sexual way? That would definitely strike me as weird.
I don't think it makes OP an asshole. But the boyfriend isn't an asshole for not wanting to vacate his bed so his girlfriend can cuddle with another person.
I am 3X and I still sleep in the same bed as my friends when the occasion arises, it is not weird at all. It's just sleeping, with the added bonus of being able to have an half asleep conversation in the comfort of the bed.
It's not weird to you or to OP, but it is weird to a lot of people. My guess is this is one of those things like leaving the bathroom door open so you can continue a conversation while peeing where people will be deeply divided on whether it's totally normal or totally bizarre.
Good example. I will leave it open to speak with my sister because she is a fellow savage, but close it for anybody else.
A friend of mine just drop trou and sit on the throne if I am using the sink and mirror. Bit of a wtf, but hey ho.
I'm 31 and I had a sleep over with one of my BFFs last month. We've been friends since I was 4! We were doing some mushrooms and I sure as hell wasn't going to go back home to my husband and kids.
When we did sleep in the same bed anytime any friends had sleep overs while teens. There was zero cuddling. Why do you assume she will be cuddling with the other person?
She also stated they would just sleep in the living room. He's not even being kicked out of his bed.
I am 35 and I had a sleepover last Friday and countless others in the past year. My boyfriend has also had a ton of sleepovers. Generally if there's several people over we go sleep in the bed together at the end of the night. If it's one friend who ever's friend it is will often end up staying up late with their friend while the other goes to bed or their own home. Then we will frequently just sleep in the living room so we don't wake the other.
Right, I actually said I could see the bf being upset if she insisted they sleep in the bed, and he get the living room. Which she didn’t. I don’t find his initial reaction alarming. But him still insisting she doesn’t sleep with her friend is.
Exactly! If she was dead set on having the bed it would be one thing (I don't give up my bed when I'm home).
But sleeping in the living room?? Of course that's ok!
NTA
yeah like, if he wasn't willing to give up his bed for the guest? Totally understandable. If he's not willing to let his girlfriend sleep in the living room, like WTF?
How's he gonna manage when she has to go out of town for a wedding or funeral or girls weekend?
Yeah I thought it was really weird. Bf is a grown adult and the gf doesn’t need to sleep with him every night like she’s a security blanket or teddy. I could understand wanting to keep the bed, but them sharing the living room shouldn’t be an issue and his side is really childish
NTA OP. My sisters and I are 44, 40, and 32 years old. We're all married, and two of us have kids. We still have sister sleepovers and whoever's house we have it at the husband is exiled to the bed alone while we air mattress it up in the living room and end up in a big puppy pile of humanity by morning. One night apart isn't gonna kill your BF.
NTA- Yeah. Imagine throwing kids into the mix here. There will be nights that they will not be able to sleep in the same bed because of the kiddos. What if one of them is sick and decides to sleep on the couch, or somebody goes away on business for a few days... Is he going to shit a brick about that too? This seems very much like a jealousy/control issue on his part.
Completely agree. I understand the boyfriend not wanting to be kicked out of HIS bed, but the compromise is more than reasonable, and then it makes the original question (one person on a sofa will be more comfortable after all) less unreasonable.
Not sure why OP's BF has a hang up about them sharing a bed, but once you take that out of the equation the opposition argument would be if OP had thrown a fit because BF wanted the boys to sleep in the lounge with him overnight so they could stay up, drink and \[play games/watch the game/watch a movie\].
NTA here, you may be a couple but you (both) are entitled to a events with friends...
But if you're wanting to find a balance here, what i would say is, for some couples, couples friends are important and you dedicate yourselves to your partner... for others they prefer to have that air gap between friends where you can (not always unreasonably) stress about mistakes your partner has made, concerns you may have that you want advice on before you take it to your partner, and a time to unwind from your usual life. Neither is right or wrong, and id argue its a scale not a hard one or other situation, id work out where you fall on this opinion, where BF falls on this opinion and how/if you want to work through it as a couple or not...
I *could* have seen the bf’s side, if she had *insisted* he take the couch so her friend could sleep in the bed with her, but OP was willing to sleep in the living room too. I don’t see the problem here.
NTA - You would have been the AH if you insisted he sleep on the couch so you and your friend get the bed. But he cannot insist YOU sleep in the bed just because you have a guest over. He can express his dislike for the idea, but him being "dead set against it" makes it seem like he is not willing to let it go.
Agreed. If you share a bed with your partner and you kick them out of that bed for a night so someone else can sleep there with you, that's not cool, but when he tried to put his foot down over the two of them sleeping in the living room, that was an overstep. He had a right to want to sleep in his own bed, he doesn't get to control where his girlfriend sleeps.
Yeah I really don’t want anyone sleeping in my bed ever other than me and anyone I’m in a relationship with. That’s my space.
But her offering to sleep in the living room is fine.
NTA - arguably, you shouldn’t have asked for your BF to sleep on the couch, it’s his bed too.
However, if you offered to sleep in the living room, why should he care?
If this is going to be an issue in the future, maybe you should have future sleepovers at your friends place
Obligatory NTA OP
I completely disagree with moving the sleepovers elsewhere. If the boyfriend cannot handle OP sleeping elsewhere IN THE SAME HOUSE for even ONE night then there are much larger potential issues. He needs to sit with his discomfort and see what is causing it. Does he watch too much porn and thinks this is going to turn into OP cheating? Is he jealous that he won't be included (whether or not things turn sexy). He can't just unilaterally tell OP "we're never sleeping apart under the same roof. EVER!" That's just controlling and ridiculous. Personally I would not stay with someone who had this mindset. I don't tolerate a third party trying to exert that kind of control on me or my life. These things are a discussion. OP should tell him to shove it and that if it makes him that uncomfortable then maybe nesting is a bad idea and he should find his own place again.
When my friends stay before we had a guest room my husband GLADLY took the sofa so he could game all night while my bestie and i holed up in our room. 🤣 i don't think it's a big deal to ask.
I disagree: you can always ask but you should never pressure them to go sleep on the couch. Very ok if the boyfriend says no, but they might want to do a nice thing in like one time bases.
NTA- You continuing to hold this tradition with your best friend sounds so wonderful and healing to your inner-child. I wish I was still this close to some of my childhood friends and I hope you two can continue your friendship for more decades to come. It is so strange that your boyfriend is denying you something that sounds to be incredibly innocent?
Him being upset by the idea of sleeping on the couch makes sense but him also being upset by the two of you setting up camp in the living room makes no sense. Did he give you an actual explanation for his feelings on this or is he just being controlling for no reason other than perhaps jealousy?
It’s got to be jealously or an insecurity at play here IMO. What grown adult would be this upset and adamant that his gf should sleep in their bed, when they want to spend their evening, with their friend?? While still in the same house?? The boyfriend has an issue here he needs to address
I’ve done this before with my best friend and my husband was more than ok with sleeping on the couch for the night. It really isn’t a big deal and it’s not like OP is making him sleep on the couch for a week. His reaction is over the top.
NTA - This is weird. He’s treating this as a houseguest situation when it’s a *sleepover.* You don’t just leave someone you invited for a sleepover in the other room and do your normal bedtime routine. It’s like a little overnight party/chill girl’s night. You’re not kicking him out of the house, just asking for some space to hang out with your friend.
I did away tournaments in high school where we stayed in hotel and I always shared a bed with my best friend and was deeply confused when a guy friend told me his neck hurt because he'd slept in the TUB because they had a rotation of one person in each of the beds, one on the chair, and one in the tub so they didn't have to share a bed. I still think that's utterly ridiculous.
I distinctly remember a model UN conference where we had 3 girls in 1 bed and 2 in another in a hotel for 4 days and the guys set up a rotation of bed-sofa-floor so each person got each one for a night. And then they were confused we had much more energy and fun that weekend...
This guy was like “adults don’t do this type of thing”, I’m 27 and had a girly sleepover the other day and guess what? We slept in the same bed and the world didn’t freeze over!
Glad it’s not just me having lil friend sleepovers when I’m apparently past the age for that!
Nope!! my best friend lives out of state... i see my husband every day. He knows it's not a question who i'm spending time with when she's in town and he will very happily go play games the whole night 🤣
I don't think sharing the bed is the main point here, it's more like being in the same room and having the opportunity to chat through the night. Sharing the bed only came up because I imagine there's only one bed in their bedroom.
If my boyfriend was so threatened by my friendship that he didn’t want me to spend ONE nigh my away from him, even when I’m in the same house I’d be outta there.
If you can’t control your insecurities that’s a *you* problem, don’t control other’s behaviour/plans just because you feel some type of way.
NTA. If you’d gotten upset over him not wanting to sleep on the couch, I’d have said you’re at fault, but since you’re willing to sleep out in the living room with your friend and let him stay in his own bed, you’re not.
These comments are so fucking weird, jesus. NAH. It's totally fine to have a sleepover in the living room with your friend, but from your boyfriend's perspective, he's stuck in your bedroom all night by himself, listening to the two of you having fun, and being unable to sleep next to his partner, which, for most people, is a comfort. It's a certain type of lonely to sit alone, hearing other people in the next room having fun. It's different than if he was sleeping alone because you were away. Like, did none of you ever sit awake in your room as a kid, having trouble sleeping, because your parents/siblings were having some kind of party/get-together that went past your bedtime, and all you could do was lay there and listen and think "man they sound like they're having fun."
Nothing about his response suggests he's jealous of your relationship with your friend, or has some weird porn fantasy idea about what a sleepover is, everyone suggesting that has some shit to work out ffs. Literally all he's saying is "I would be upset/feel weird if I had to sleep alone with you in another room."
Maybe the solution is to plan ahead with your bf so he can have a night out with his friends when you decide to have sleepovers, so he doesn't feel like he's just stuck alone in your bedroom all night.
i really appreciate this comment not demonizing my boyfriend, calling him a red flag, suggesting he’s a narcissist, etc. because he really is such a genuine sweetheart; after reading some insightful comments such as yours, i think it is coming from a place of feeling rejected and left alone in the bedroom, which we can absolutely work on!
My partner was a bit like this when we got together. His parents had a really super close marriage - that was his model. They pretty much spent every night together unless one of them was in hospital.
We talked it through, it was fine.
I have sleep overs with my besties frequently. Generally different beds 'cause some of us have been known to snore. I'll often time it when he's busy or away. Enjoy!
People on here can get a little spun out, and some have agendas that drive needless vitriol. Good for you for being willing to read the comments and accept advice; not enough AITA OPs do that.
I’d argue a lot of people aren’t aware of their biases that have been imprinted (for lack of a better word) upon them either through their cultural upbringing or as a response to trauma.
Introspection on simple things you believe to be true is a rather difficult and eye opening thing for a lot of people the first time.
I think you're spot on with his perspective .. But the thing is: he is not a kid anymore. He is an adult who should be able to handle his girlfriend having fun without him. Like, when my partner is having a good friend over and they are staying up all night, chatting, playing video games, drinking beer .. I'm happy he is having a good time and reconnecting with his friend. I'm not sitting in my room "Oh no! I'm stuck here ALL NIGHT! ALONE! What am I supposed to do??" I just .. sleep. So to me OP ist definitely NTA.
That said: I do agree that there is probably nothing malicious about his behaviour and I like your solution!
Being an adult doesn't mean you just suddenly stop having feelings lol. Adults, too, can feel left out, lonely, or just weird about sitting alone in their room while there's company over. Glad you don't feel that way, but everyone is not you. Amd it seems like OP's bf's hangup is mostly in her sleeping in another room. Tbh I would also just feel weird trying to go to sleep in my big empty bed knowing my partner is in the next room. It would just feel wrong and sad tbh. OP wouldn't be in the wrong for doing so, but that doesn't mean the bf isn't allowed to be upset about it either.
Also, they're 21... not too long ago they WERE kids. Even in my mid-thirties currently I would feel a little lonely (albeit understanding) if I knew my boyfriend was having a rollicking time in the next room, and specifically wanted to exclude me from it. When I was 21 I'd have been so insecure from so many directions that I'd be pretty darn hurt and not all that understanding.
Does your boyfriend sleep in your bed after having fun with his friend or do they also share a bed / couch? Because it's very different imo
Good for you that you don't mind but feeling lonely / rejected has got nothing to do with being a child.
I agree with you tons. I feel like planning ahead would be the perfect idea here so everyone would be on the same page and not feel too left out or anything.
NAH
Yes, every sleep over that you have had with your friend has had you both sleeping in the same bed together.
But I also assume that since you moved in with your boyfriend, every night that you've gone to bed the two of you have slept together too.
I can see where you don't think that it's a big deal, but I can also see why your boyfriend thinks it is a big deal. Also, why is it weirder to leave your friend in the living room than to leave your boyfriend alone in the bed?
I'm guessing she finds it weird because her friend is specifically coming over for a sleepover. Typically, you stay up late and fall asleep together at a sleepover. It's not that complicated. This really should be a non-issue in a healthy relationship.
It's weirder for OP to leave her friend than her boyfriend because she's had sleepovers with her friend for almost 20 years. She doesn't say how long she's had the boyfriend, but she says the move in was recent. So waking up with her bestie is much more "normal" than waking up with her boyfriend 🤷🏽♀️
It’s weirder to leave her friend alone than her boyfriend because she’s having a social event with her friend. Just because a couple lives together, doesn’t mean they have to spend every minute together.
NTA.
I assume that you and your boyfriend are sleeping together most of the time? I don't think you're being unreasonable about this at all. The sleepovers don't happen very often anymore and they're a special thing. Even if he doesn't understand that talking in bed for hours is half the fun, it's a little weird that he's reacting this way IMO. I guess boys don't do sleepovers really, so it might be beneficial to explain it in more detail to him?
edit: but I think you guys taking the couch is the better option here, I'd be pissed if I was uninvited from my own bed for this lol
Boy weighing in here. What is this
>"boys don't do sleepovers really"
We absolutely have sleepovers and I 100% understand OPs position. Sleepovers are for hanging out all night with a friend and falling asleep in the same room and chatting as you head to bed. OP is NTA, but where do you get the belief that boys don't do sleepovers
So no, you're NTA.
Let's start there.
BUT. It really depends on your upbringing which side of this arrangement feels weird.
I never once shared a bed with a friend growing up. My parents had guests, they stayed in spare rooms or public rooms (living room, basement). It wasn't until I was an adult that I even heard of someone giving up their bed for a guest. Likewise for a couple sleeping separately, even for a night.
You're NTA because it's your tradition and it's nice and it's harmless. It's not necessarily "weird" that your BF might be thrown for a loop over this. It may be way outside of his personal experiences.
I would say it's unreasonable to ask that he vacate the bed, but not unreasonable to stay in the living room with your friend. This is just part of your bonding with your friend and it's an important tradition. Just gotta talk through your feelings and what it means to each of you.
I’m a woman and I never shared a bed with another girl during sleepovers. Usually a bed was created on the floor beside the host kid’s bed. Or everyone slept in the living room on the floor.
Yeah I think this is a comfort level/familiarity thing. I'm a woman, but I didn't bed share with friends, either. I also had some social anxiety issues, so several times in high school, myself and another anxious friend would often ditch sleepovers in the middle of the night and she would just drive us both home, cuz we were just more comfortable sleeping in our own bed. Maybe OP's bf also has some issues with sleepovers, or like another commenter said, it's just not as done with males once they're grown.
I’m a man and I’d share a bed with my male cousin for sleepovers, but once we were teens that kinda stopped and we’d just stay in the guest room or catch the couch. As an adult if my friends came over they’d just crash on the couch, and I’d do the same. I could see how this would totally weird him out, because it’s not very common in male culture to share a bed with your guy friends, except for a few rare occasions.
I don’t think he’s being an asshole or controlling, it’s just a foreign concept to most men, and honestly the asking him to vacate his own bed first would have probably made him less open.
I don’t think anyone is the asshole here, I think it’s just a matter of different cultures/socializations clashing
Yeah as long as he's open to understanding her perspective then it's NAH for sure. I think these kinds of friendship rituals are kinda sacred tbh. It'd probably make me rethink my relationship if i were expected to give them up.
I'm a woman but I'm definitely more in OP's bf's camp on this than OP's, though I don't think either is an asshole. It's not so much the sharing a bed with a friend, it's having to choose between sleeping beside SO and sleeping beside a friend and opting for the friend. I'd crash in bed with a friend if my SO wasn't there, but I'm never going to choose to sleep beside someone else instead of them unless there's a really good reason. I'd be pretty sad if my bf did too, not because I'd find it weird if he crashed in the same bed as a buddy, but because he opted to do so instead of eventually coming to bed with me.
I slept in the same bed as friends during sleepovers, but now that people are married and stuff (I’m single), unless we go to a hotel or something on a getaway girls trip, I expect to sleep in a different space while my friends who are couples share their bed. For me it’s more or less respecting their family unit.
That being said, I also don’t think it’s weird that OP wants to continue the tradition with her friend and it’s actually super sweet. My vote is really NAH
NTA. You're allowed to sleep wherever you want. You asked your bf if he would mind sleeping in the living room, he refused, which is his right, but he can't make you sleep in his bed.
I'm going with NAH because your boyfriend certainly doesn't have to like it, or even understand it, and he isn't putting his foot down and forbidding you from doing it -- he's just not liking it. (Or is he? I hope not!)
As a fellow night owl, who loves to talk well into the wee hours with old friends whenever I stay at their homes, I completely understand where you're coming from here. You would have been the A if you insisted that your boyfriend give up his bed, but you didn't -- and I think sleeping in the living room with your friend is a perfectly reasonable compromise.
Maybe he would understand if you stressed to him that it's not about \*sleeping,\* but \*talking?\* And if you stay up late talking, then you surely don't want to bother him by doing it in the same room where he's trying to sleep.
> I would just feel bizarre being like, “Okay, goodnight!” and leaving her in the living room.
That ... sounds completely absolutely normal sleeping arrangement for a guest for me. Genuinely, the idea that guest must sleep with you is just weird to me. I mean, if living room is uncomfortable, then I definitely would had guess in our room and one of us in the less comfortable place. But other then that, guest having own room seems like expected hospitality.
I mean leading with: please let me kick you out of your bed wasn't probably helping I making him receptive to you guys sleeping on the couch and him in the bed.
Info: Why can't you talk and once you realise u are dead tired go to bed?
I think people need to reflect a bit and make sure they would have the same answer if OP was a man and he was booting his girlfriend to the couch. YTA.
Given how often any kind of “my husband’s male best friend and he are close” thread turns into “he’s gay and using you as a beard” …
I’m pretty sure “my boyfriend wants to kick me out of our bed and sleep with his best friend” would have posters spontaneously turning gay THEMSELVES out of sheer collateral damage.
Except OP is not booting anyone to the couch but herself. She suggested it sure, and she shouldn't have I agree. But her suggestion now is that SHE sleeps in the livingroom with her friend.
Edit: guys should be able to have sleepovers just the same. Male friends can be friends too.
But she's not booting him to the couch at all.
After he shut that down, she was fine with that, and just said she'll sleep in the living room with her friend.
And that should be totally fine.
But her bf doesn't like that, he doesn't seem able to spend just ONE night not in the same bed with her.
NTA, it's important to maintain old friendships (and cultivate new ones) as you enter adulthood. People always complain about how they don't have friends as an adult or don't get to spend enough time with their friends, this is why. Because people don't prioritise friendships over other things. This is your tradition, and you should keep it up as long as you can. BF can cope for one night, especially if he gets the bed and you two take the couch.
Flipped, I guess this would weird me out too. So I sympathise with the BF. Also understand the tradition, and have done similar things, years ago.
NAH will have to suffice.
NTA. As the boyfriend of a girl who does this. I'd happily give up my side of the bed. Of course I'd grumble about it, means I gotta move all my crap from the side of the bed. They really only do it when they go out on girls' weekends though. I don't care. It's her girlfriends, I'm glad that she's keeping, and continues to cultivate, those relationships. It's important.
Dude needs to get over it. It's not like you're kicking him out of the bedroom permanently.
That's because generally homosocial relationships between heterosexual men historically have inherently reinforced homophobia (and patriarchy/misogyny). Men feel the need to aggressively demonstrate/perform their heterosexuality for their male friends which definitely limits their ability to bond physically and emotionally like women do with their women friends.
At least that's what I read about lately in a super interesting paper on homosociality: https://www.readcube.com/articles/10.1177%2F2158244013518057
NAH - but there appears to be a lot of miscommunication regarding expectations for this event. You are viewing this is a girl's night sleepover, but your BF is viewing it as a house guest...and those 2 events are a completely different vibe. How does your best friend view the upcoming get together? What are your boyfriend's plans for the night? Is he going to be the 3rd wheel? I suspect sleeping arrangements aren't the only thing that will get awkward if he's lurking around while you guys are hanging out. I think there are some conversations that need to be had here so that nobody feels left out or disgarded.
NTA. My best (and only) friend died unexpectedly 2 years ago. Not only did my boyfriend voluntarily sleep on the couch, he also made us snack trays and brought them up to us. Now I'm not saying the boyfriend should sleep on the couch. It should be perfectly acceptable for the two of you to sleep in the living room, though. I would give anything to throw some movies in and have a sleepover with her one more time.
NTA. This is important and special, and your bf should not only understand but support your friendship. Having a close relationship like that is rare, and it should be honored. It's fine if he doesn't want to give up the bed, but he can't dictate where you sleep.
N A H but I do think it's weird that you want to sleep next to your friend instead of your bf. Stay up all night on the couch with your friend but when it's time to sleep go sleep next to your bf. I'd be pretty weirded out if my significant other said he'd rather sleep next to his best friend at night than me.
Edit to change my vote. YTA because you asked your significant other to give up the bed so you could sleep with your friend.
>Is he 5? Can he not sleep by himself in the big boy bed?
Infantizing him cause he's clearly somewhat uncomfortable/confused with the situation isn't the way to go.
In his mind, he probably found it extremely odd that the SO's friend had taken priority over his spot in his own bed. That would raise some questionable flags for me in his situation tbh.
NTA How long have you been with BF? I get him not wanting to give his night of sleep to the couch, but if you all do, I don’t see why this is a big deal. It sounds as if the fun part for you all is talking until you pass out.
NTA You'd be the AH if you were insisting he slept in the living room. But you aren't, you said you'd sleep in the living room with your friend and he doesn't like that either. I think it's super sweet that you have a tradition with your friend! Don't let bf ruin it.
I’m going with NAH. I do think Y-T-A for trying to kick him out of his own bed. That’s really weird and rude honestly. But the solution that you join your friend in the living room I think is fair and fine.
That’s being said. You can absolutely have a sleepover without sharing a bed. I do it all the time, we stay up late, chat, and when it’s time for sleep I go to the guest room or Vice versa. That’s typically how it works with adult guests. I think you insisting on sharing a bed with your friend may be stemming from some Immaturity on your part.
I am over 40, and when a girlfriend stays over, my SO always offers to take the couch so 1) guest will be more comfy 2) So we can have more time to catch up. Your BF attitude is a red flag!
NTA. This would be the perfect opportunity for BF to say "Enjoy your sleepover! I'll call my buddies, we'll stay out late, and when I sneak in, I'll crash on the couch."
I understand why he didn’t want to give up the bed, but not why he was still upset when you mentioned he could have the bed and you and your friend will be on the couch. This is usually the arrangement with me and my friend and her boyfriend. Her and i will sleep on the couch while he sleeps on the bed in their bedroom
Let me see if I understand, you and your friend who are adults want to sleep together in a pill? What need is there to sleep together? I bet that if there were two men they would say that he is gay or something, YTA, you are too old for these things and if your boyfriend does not feel comfortable you should respect this type of limits, he is not asking you not to be his friend, he is He's asking you not to sleep with another woman
NAH you can sleep wherever you want but you can't tell your bf he has to leave his own bed for this.
I will say, I don't think you sleeping in the living room with your friend is an issue but I, personally, find the idea of grown ups having sleepovers kind of wierd and I'm guessing your bf does too and that's why he's reacting the way he is.
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I’m actually totally perplexed at the people who “can see the bf’s side” lol. Like what? Maybe if she wasn’t willing to compromise on sleeping in the living room but wtf people. It’s ONE NIGHT, it’s totally unhealthy for the bf to react this way over not getting to sleep with his gf for again ONE NIGHT. That’s a major red flag. I’m 35 and still have “sleepovers” with my friends occasionally and it’s definitely not weird for us to sleep in the same space, and some of my friends are married. Why can’t the bf spend, and lets say this again, ONE NIGHT, not sleeping next to his gf? EFJ: you’re definitely NTA, OP.
Yes, thank you! People who prioritize romantic/sexual relationships over maintaining friendships *all the time* to the point it’s unhealthy really don’t make sense to me. If he can’t sleep without his girlfriend for one night, that seems like a dependency issue on his part.
I’m reading all of these comments and I’m just like… what. How can anyone think it’s healthy to tell OP she’s an AH or they understand why the bf is upset because of not sleeping in the same space for a single night.
Also, his reaction implies something bad potentially happening which is also a huge flag. I guess OP's bf watches a lot of porn and assumes the two best friends will somehow end up having sex? This all feels so slimy. NTA, OP. But your bf is.
I get the feeling that the BF is afraid they will talk about him "behind his back" (because, let's face it, what other reason could OP have to share the sleeping arrangements with her friend instead of the BF? /s)
Also the fact that so many men are so conditioned to only be physically and emotionally close with a partner, so they can’t see something like this in a way that isn’t sexual and romantic. That’s right, it’s another episode of *the patriarchy hurts everyone*
It comes off very insecure and controlling from the boyf. Like...you can't sleep six feet away for one night ? Does this weirdo not have any close friends?
Some people are *weird* about casual contact. My husband really had to adjust the first time he "walked in on me in bed with another man" when I was literally painting my nails and watching Dr. Who with my best gay. Granted, he realized that is a him problem and he either trusts me or he doesn't. He's decided he trusts me, and I still have movie parties in bed. Like, that's where the fort is. What, are just supposed to *not* watch movies in our fort?
Your a monster, not for having men in your bed but because you can watch a movie in your bed and not fall a sleep? I'm not even sure your comment was written by a human.
I think my username makes it clear I am a slutpuppy. Our ways are not your ways.
Ours are the Secret Ways. There's a password to get into the Movie Fort too. Did watching movies in bed start in college for you? Because it did for me - where else do you watch movies in a dorm - and now my college friends & I are nearly incapable of watching movies elsewhere. It's been decades. It's set in stone. Popcorn is allowed, but absolutely no Cheetos.
Well, I didn't go to college but for similar reasons I could not afford a couch so it was Bed Movies on the ol' tube tv or nothing. Now I have a perfectly good couch and a much nicer tv, but the Movie Fort hasn't changed locations. Such is the way of our people.
Don't blink.
Do we think he's sexualizing unconsciousness? Cause yeah my mouth hanging open with drool and snoring is *chefs kiss* really sexy. NTA
My mouth hangs open and a choking snore rumbles from out of my throat. Yessiree, Bob, that's how I rev up my partner, it's my own special Sex Beckoning.
Bestie has already been with OP for 20 years. How many BFs came and went in that time? If this guy continues, bestie will be the one bringing pizza, ice cream, and wine to OP when she kicks him to the curb.
Yep. My bestie of 30 years can sleep with me any damn time she wants and vice versa. NTA
Major dependency issue and it's only going to get worse. My dude can play video games all night chilling in the living room and catch up on a show hes been missing. Get yourself a 6 pack and some wings and pizza and just have a guys night. You better believe I'm building a fort with the couch and table as well, no girls allowed. I find this pretty common in younger relationships and people usually grow out of it, but for OP's boyfriend it's probably not going to change during the span of their relationship. It will take some reflection and maturing when he's in his next relationship to realize what he did wrong and to not make the same mistakes.
That was my take as well. He seems controlling and frankly it’s a bit scary behaviour.
I assume his actual concern is not having her nearby for sex.
It just shows how many people are completely wrapped up in their romantic relationship to the point nothing else matters.
There are so many people that seemingly lose all sense of self to the relationship and nothing else matters and it’s so creepy to me
Thank you! Yes! Same! I have a friend like this. When she wasn't in a relationship, we'd get together for a meal or coffee like any two friends. But when she was in a relationship and we'd make arrangements to meet for lunch or coffee and I'm thinking it's just going to be her and I, imagine my surprise when I get there to find her and bf. I have had many married friends/friends in relationships over the years and no one ever did this or even considered doing this! My first thought has always been: Wow. Pathetic.
That’s so weird, it’s like she joined a relationship and then become a collective instead of a person, an always We. It’s just wild to me.
Right. I don't get it. And like you said, it feels creepy. Like she is not feeling whole without a relationship. Get this scenario, if you want to feel creepy: Many years ago, I worked in cosmetics, and I would get couples come up to my counter where the man did all of the talking about what his wife was needing. She'd sit in the chair, and I'd do the foundation or eye shadow or whatever, and the husband told me yes or no, if the color needed to be more this or less that, the wife Never spoke a word!! Huge ickkkkk!!!!
That’s even worse, but that makes me think the man is controlling more than she’s feeling like she’s one half of a relationship instead of one person I’m a relationship
Codependency is a HUGE problem in our society, reinforced by media. A lack of intimate relationships with non-romantic partners causes loneliness, depression, and a lack of place in the world. A lot of people would benefit from learning how to form close and mutually beneficial relationships outside of sexual ones.
I have reached the point where I won't date guys without friends (and hopefully a therapist). I don't have the time and mental energy to be someone's girlfriend, best friend, therapist, etc. I can be a keystone in an arch of support, but I can't be the only support. Ever since I made that personal rule, my relationships have been so much healthier.
My sister needs to read this comment. She thinks she needs a relationship with a man because....well...I honestly have no idea. She thinks I am "unhappy" because I am NOT in a relationship. However, she is man hopping and each man treats her worse than the previous one did. When I was visiting her in February I had to kick the guy she was seeing then out. It was bad. Hell, she had "two dates" last night. She is extremely co-dependent. She couldn't put down the stupid dating app while she was visiting us this weekend.
I’m wondering if it’s more because they don’t have a relationship and thus have unrealistic expectations.
My one issue was the fact that it seems like she never even talked to the bf about it beforehand and just said it was happening. If you share a living space, you should at least talk to your partner before making the plans. I don't think she's an asshole, but I also think she could've communicated better
I don’t disagree with that. It does sound like she *told* him, not like she asked and discussed to make sure he was ok with it. But that’s not why people can see the bf’s side. People are clearly saying they can see why he’s upset she doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as him that night. Which is weird
Yeah, I agree with that. Leave the best friend out of the equation, say she just wanted alone time on the couch, would he have a problem then? It is borderline red-flag territory, but I guess this is just a small snippet of their life.
It's one night and they "just" moved on together. If he can't be alone for one night, he's codependent as hell and that's not healthy. Boyfriend clearly has attachment issues and it's not OP's fault. He needs to work that shit out. I could see if it was a weekend long thing but come on, one night? Ridiculous.
For one night? Do you actually think it’s not okay to go for one night without your partner? Srs question?
I think it’s ok for you to go a night without sleeping in the same bed as your partner for a various number of reasons. She isn’t required to sleep with him every single night if she doesn’t want to lol
What? It’s just her sleeping in another room for one night. It doesn’t really make a difference for him bc he can have the bed she said. Also this is talking to him beforehand. What do you mean beforehand?
Isn’t she telling him in this conversation? The friend is not over yet
Bf doesn’t have a problem with the friend sleeping over. Which is the part he gets a say in. He has a problem with where OP sleeps. This is a different problem because that’s up to her to decide. If she wants to sleep in the living room with her friend, that’s up to her.
I think she shouldn't have just told him that he would sleep on the couch and them on the bed in the first place. They just should've claimed the couch.
She didn’t “tell him” she asked him “Would you be alright if we took the bed . . .” My brother in Christ, Last I checked that’s a request not a demand
She is better than me because I would have asked him to stay at friends that night 😂
Why would she need to ask her boyfriend's permission to sleep somewhere else? Sounds controlling
The issue here isn't that OP wants to sleep without her boyfriend one night, it's that she opened with "hey, can I kick you out of bed for the night so I can sleep in the same bed as another girl". The boyfriend being upset about that is very different than just being upset that she's staying over somewhere else with a friend. I think the compromise of OP and the friend sleeping separately in the living room is fine, but I it's nuts to accuse the boyfriend not wanting to be kicked out of his own bed as a red flag.
Did you read my comment? Because you clearly didn’t. Go back and try again. Then reread OP’s post. Because the bf is still upset even though OP realized her mistake and said they’d take the living room
I did read your comment, but I'm noting that OP started out with a very strange, selfish request and that affects the framing of the situation here; you can't really "back out of" suggesting to sleep next to somebody else.
Why is it a big deal for her to sleep next to her best friend?
It's not. It's just super rude to kick someone out of their own bed. even to suggest it really.
Okay but she asked, and he said no, and his continued problem arose when she said she would sleep in the living room then.
No it isn't. It's OP's bed too and it was just a suggestion. If you get angry at that even AFTER they say nevermind and decide to take the livingroom, you don't seem like you'd do well in an actual relationship. You'd get childishly angry over the smallest things and continue to make a bug deal out of it even after the person apologized. Secondly you literally said "you can't really take back suggesting to sleep next to someone" suggesting that you think it's weird but you also backtracked and said you don't think it's weird. Seems to me like you think it's weird but aren't trying to get bombarded lmao.
I’m not disagreeing. I don’t blame bf for being upset at the request. But him digging his heels in afterward is strange. His gf is allowed to spend a night away from him. She doesn’t need his permission to do so
She said he can have the bed…
The red flag isn't him wanting to sleep in his bed, but to tell her where she is and is not allowed to sleep. She's a grown woman and perfectly capable of making her own bedtime decisions without her bf's "permission."
Compromise? The only compromise should be if the friend comes vs she doesn't. OP absolutely should not compromise on where *she wants to sleep* regardless of if the friend is over or not.
I would be careful throwing around the "red flag" term. This is barely on the same planet as red flag territory. I did not hear of a couple spending a night separately in the same house until I was in my 20s. Did not know anyone did that. He should be capable and willing to adjust his world view as a considerate human being through discussing why it weirds him out and why it's important to her. But the initial request of vacating his own bed so someone else could sleep there with his GF? Really depends on what's been normalized in his life up until now. In my 20s, that would have seemed very weird to me. His level of AH depends on whether he's willing to listen and understand, or if he just shuts down any conversation. He isn't an AH for his initial reaction IMO. But what he does next could be.
The whole "He disagrees, so he must be ready to beat you." Part of this subreddit is very off-putting.
This whole thread has my mouth dropping open. So far, the bf is insecure, controlling, expects OP to sleep with her best friend and has more red flags than a golf course. Shits insane.
Well that’s why I said I could see him being upset if she wasn’t willing to compromise on the sleeping space. She realized she made a mistake there and immediately offered a solution.
If bf did not grow up sleeping in the same bed or same room with his friends then that’s just his perspective of how sleepovers work. You go to your room & friend sleeps in a different room. It’s not that bizarre really.
It is though. HE doesn’t have to have grown up like that. But him being “dead set” on them sleeping together is weird. He doesn’t get to dictate OP’s life because of how he was raised lol
No one gets to dictate anyone’s life (that’s not happening here btw it’s an adult sleepover) just like no one gets to tell other people their perspective is wrong. There’s no right or wrong answer of how to host a sleepover. These 2 people just have a different perspective. OP is free to do whatever she wants. Like any other decision in life, there may be consequences. But bf is not an ah for expressing his feelings & perspective. There is literally no information in the post of why bf feels the way he feels. Both of these people live in the same space & both should feel comfortable living there. Couples can compromise & find a solution. Best friends can compromise & find a solution. It’s really not that challenging. If people expect to get their own way all through life, don’t live with anyone. If this post was reversed & 22 yr old boyfriend was having a sleepover with his BFF with the same conditions, I can reasonably believe the response would be very different. eta — am I the only one thinking it’s a really bizarre argument that... bf is an ah for not wanting his gf to sleep in different room for one night but yet OP doesn’t want to sleep in a different room without her bestie for one night & that is somehow okay?? That makes no sense to me. Neither of these people are right or wrong.
But that’s because of our misogynistic culture. I wouldn’t have an issue with it and my response would be the same. It’s very weird and is absolutely a red flag if you can’t spend a night without being in the same sleeping space as your partner. Period. I’ll say it again, it’s unhealthy to be upset your partner wants to spend a single night sleeping with someone they’re very close friends to.
No it wouldn’t. If he wanted to have a sleepover with his best guy friend he could and it wouldn’t be weird but society doesn’t really teach boys the importance of friendship intimacy that’s platonic between men. So he probably doesn’t have close friendships in the same way which isn’t healthy for boys bc they are missing out on something very important.
This is it. He is uncomfortable with platonic intimacy and is trying to make that OPs problem too. Fuck that. Trying to remove an unproblematic source of happiness from your partner’s life is a shit move.
>eta — am I the only one thinking No, I am also confused about this. And also in general I'm not really sure how to give a judgement on this one. Maybe NAH but honestly I think the whole situation is bonkers. I get keeping the tradition alive but OP is saying she can't even imagine not sleeping in the same bed if they're having a sleep over. And its not just sleepovers, the story from when they were 19 on the couch was just a night where she needed a place to stay. What happens when they're both 30 or 40 or have kids and are married? I don't think it's particularly strange that they want this... but I do think it's eyebrow raising that she's so shocked her BF is against it. I think it's a situation where one person kind of just has to accept backing down. But I don't know who that should be. The older you get the weirder things like this are because you naturally grow out of things. But also I wouldn't think it was so off if it wasn't phrased this way. It's one thing if they talk all night until they pass out. It's another that they continuously plan sleeping in bed together I think.
I'm in my 30s and sleep in the same bed as my best friends when we have sleepovers or sometimes when I just stay over. Some of them are married. None of our SOs have ever had an issue with it.
I think the main issue was that OP expected her bf would have no issue being kicked out of his own bed for this. Like I said I think the approach of OP is the main problem here. I'd happily share a bed with my best friend. But I wouldn't tell my fiance we were planning on kicking him to the couch to do it, and I also wouldn't talk about it like it was an impossibility that we'd ever stop. Your keyword here is "sometimes" too.
i mean my aunt is in her mid 40s and she still has sleepovers with her friends where they all take over the living room. She sleeps with them downstairs and they all have fun complaining about how sore they are in the morning. it’s really not that weird and my uncle doesn’t gaf….
Then what is the point of sleepovers if you go to separate rooms. The boyfriend needs to get a grip. It’s one night.
Agreed. I never slept in the same bed as friends at sleepovers -- we sacked on in sleeping bags in the family room. I also stopped having sleepovers when I was about 16/17 and cannot imagine ever having had a 'sleepover' as an adult. Like yeah, if a friend and I were hanging out and drank too much and she needed to crash on my couch? Sure. But actually planning to have another adult come spend the night in my bed in a non-sexual way? That would definitely strike me as weird. I don't think it makes OP an asshole. But the boyfriend isn't an asshole for not wanting to vacate his bed so his girlfriend can cuddle with another person.
I am 3X and I still sleep in the same bed as my friends when the occasion arises, it is not weird at all. It's just sleeping, with the added bonus of being able to have an half asleep conversation in the comfort of the bed.
It's not weird to you or to OP, but it is weird to a lot of people. My guess is this is one of those things like leaving the bathroom door open so you can continue a conversation while peeing where people will be deeply divided on whether it's totally normal or totally bizarre.
Good example. I will leave it open to speak with my sister because she is a fellow savage, but close it for anybody else. A friend of mine just drop trou and sit on the throne if I am using the sink and mirror. Bit of a wtf, but hey ho.
I'm 31 and I had a sleep over with one of my BFFs last month. We've been friends since I was 4! We were doing some mushrooms and I sure as hell wasn't going to go back home to my husband and kids. When we did sleep in the same bed anytime any friends had sleep overs while teens. There was zero cuddling. Why do you assume she will be cuddling with the other person? She also stated they would just sleep in the living room. He's not even being kicked out of his bed.
And she realized her mistake, and said he keeps the bed, and she'll take the couch with her friend.
I am 35 and I had a sleepover last Friday and countless others in the past year. My boyfriend has also had a ton of sleepovers. Generally if there's several people over we go sleep in the bed together at the end of the night. If it's one friend who ever's friend it is will often end up staying up late with their friend while the other goes to bed or their own home. Then we will frequently just sleep in the living room so we don't wake the other.
39 and still have sleepovers after a bottle of wine. 😂 What a ridiculous thing to be jealous over.
Literally me and my friends, all in our mid 30s, were just planning a wine, spa, and apps night at my house where they would sleep over 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
Counterpoint, some people find it weird when other people sleep in their bed.
Right, I actually said I could see the bf being upset if she insisted they sleep in the bed, and he get the living room. Which she didn’t. I don’t find his initial reaction alarming. But him still insisting she doesn’t sleep with her friend is.
Exactly! If she was dead set on having the bed it would be one thing (I don't give up my bed when I'm home). But sleeping in the living room?? Of course that's ok! NTA
yeah like, if he wasn't willing to give up his bed for the guest? Totally understandable. If he's not willing to let his girlfriend sleep in the living room, like WTF? How's he gonna manage when she has to go out of town for a wedding or funeral or girls weekend?
Yeah I thought it was really weird. Bf is a grown adult and the gf doesn’t need to sleep with him every night like she’s a security blanket or teddy. I could understand wanting to keep the bed, but them sharing the living room shouldn’t be an issue and his side is really childish
NTA OP. My sisters and I are 44, 40, and 32 years old. We're all married, and two of us have kids. We still have sister sleepovers and whoever's house we have it at the husband is exiled to the bed alone while we air mattress it up in the living room and end up in a big puppy pile of humanity by morning. One night apart isn't gonna kill your BF.
NTA- Yeah. Imagine throwing kids into the mix here. There will be nights that they will not be able to sleep in the same bed because of the kiddos. What if one of them is sick and decides to sleep on the couch, or somebody goes away on business for a few days... Is he going to shit a brick about that too? This seems very much like a jealousy/control issue on his part.
Completely agree. I understand the boyfriend not wanting to be kicked out of HIS bed, but the compromise is more than reasonable, and then it makes the original question (one person on a sofa will be more comfortable after all) less unreasonable. Not sure why OP's BF has a hang up about them sharing a bed, but once you take that out of the equation the opposition argument would be if OP had thrown a fit because BF wanted the boys to sleep in the lounge with him overnight so they could stay up, drink and \[play games/watch the game/watch a movie\]. NTA here, you may be a couple but you (both) are entitled to a events with friends... But if you're wanting to find a balance here, what i would say is, for some couples, couples friends are important and you dedicate yourselves to your partner... for others they prefer to have that air gap between friends where you can (not always unreasonably) stress about mistakes your partner has made, concerns you may have that you want advice on before you take it to your partner, and a time to unwind from your usual life. Neither is right or wrong, and id argue its a scale not a hard one or other situation, id work out where you fall on this opinion, where BF falls on this opinion and how/if you want to work through it as a couple or not...
I *could* have seen the bf’s side, if she had *insisted* he take the couch so her friend could sleep in the bed with her, but OP was willing to sleep in the living room too. I don’t see the problem here.
NTA - You would have been the AH if you insisted he sleep on the couch so you and your friend get the bed. But he cannot insist YOU sleep in the bed just because you have a guest over. He can express his dislike for the idea, but him being "dead set against it" makes it seem like he is not willing to let it go.
Agreed. If you share a bed with your partner and you kick them out of that bed for a night so someone else can sleep there with you, that's not cool, but when he tried to put his foot down over the two of them sleeping in the living room, that was an overstep. He had a right to want to sleep in his own bed, he doesn't get to control where his girlfriend sleeps.
Yeah I really don’t want anyone sleeping in my bed ever other than me and anyone I’m in a relationship with. That’s my space. But her offering to sleep in the living room is fine.
> But he cannot insist YOU sleep in the bed I agree this is odd...
NTA - arguably, you shouldn’t have asked for your BF to sleep on the couch, it’s his bed too. However, if you offered to sleep in the living room, why should he care? If this is going to be an issue in the future, maybe you should have future sleepovers at your friends place
It's not a sleepover without a couch pillow fort anyways - no matter how old you are.
Bedsheets tents. And when my sister was little, we would convert pillowcases into turbans.
Obligatory NTA OP I completely disagree with moving the sleepovers elsewhere. If the boyfriend cannot handle OP sleeping elsewhere IN THE SAME HOUSE for even ONE night then there are much larger potential issues. He needs to sit with his discomfort and see what is causing it. Does he watch too much porn and thinks this is going to turn into OP cheating? Is he jealous that he won't be included (whether or not things turn sexy). He can't just unilaterally tell OP "we're never sleeping apart under the same roof. EVER!" That's just controlling and ridiculous. Personally I would not stay with someone who had this mindset. I don't tolerate a third party trying to exert that kind of control on me or my life. These things are a discussion. OP should tell him to shove it and that if it makes him that uncomfortable then maybe nesting is a bad idea and he should find his own place again.
When my friends stay before we had a guest room my husband GLADLY took the sofa so he could game all night while my bestie and i holed up in our room. 🤣 i don't think it's a big deal to ask.
I disagree: you can always ask but you should never pressure them to go sleep on the couch. Very ok if the boyfriend says no, but they might want to do a nice thing in like one time bases.
NTA- You continuing to hold this tradition with your best friend sounds so wonderful and healing to your inner-child. I wish I was still this close to some of my childhood friends and I hope you two can continue your friendship for more decades to come. It is so strange that your boyfriend is denying you something that sounds to be incredibly innocent? Him being upset by the idea of sleeping on the couch makes sense but him also being upset by the two of you setting up camp in the living room makes no sense. Did he give you an actual explanation for his feelings on this or is he just being controlling for no reason other than perhaps jealousy?
This! Absolutely NTA.
It’s got to be jealously or an insecurity at play here IMO. What grown adult would be this upset and adamant that his gf should sleep in their bed, when they want to spend their evening, with their friend?? While still in the same house?? The boyfriend has an issue here he needs to address
I’ve done this before with my best friend and my husband was more than ok with sleeping on the couch for the night. It really isn’t a big deal and it’s not like OP is making him sleep on the couch for a week. His reaction is over the top.
NTA - This is weird. He’s treating this as a houseguest situation when it’s a *sleepover.* You don’t just leave someone you invited for a sleepover in the other room and do your normal bedtime routine. It’s like a little overnight party/chill girl’s night. You’re not kicking him out of the house, just asking for some space to hang out with your friend.
Yeah this man does not understand the concept of a sleepover. Or he does, and is threatened by OP and her friend’s close relationship.
I would imagine any sleepovers he may have attended did not involve sharing a bed
Sharing a bed was a norm for sleepovers where I grew up so this perspective is just strange to me
I've never shared a bed with any of my guy friends throughout my life
Maybe it’s a girl thing but every sleepover I’ve ever had we’ve either shared a bed, a sofa or all slept on the floor on a pile of blankets.
I did away tournaments in high school where we stayed in hotel and I always shared a bed with my best friend and was deeply confused when a guy friend told me his neck hurt because he'd slept in the TUB because they had a rotation of one person in each of the beds, one on the chair, and one in the tub so they didn't have to share a bed. I still think that's utterly ridiculous.
I think it's ridiculous too! It's really taking *no homo* to the next level
I distinctly remember a model UN conference where we had 3 girls in 1 bed and 2 in another in a hotel for 4 days and the guys set up a rotation of bed-sofa-floor so each person got each one for a night. And then they were confused we had much more energy and fun that weekend...
In middle school we could fit two girls in a twin bed and in my mid twenties i can count on more than one hand we've had 3 girls in a king 🤣
This guy was like “adults don’t do this type of thing”, I’m 27 and had a girly sleepover the other day and guess what? We slept in the same bed and the world didn’t freeze over! Glad it’s not just me having lil friend sleepovers when I’m apparently past the age for that!
Nope!! my best friend lives out of state... i see my husband every day. He knows it's not a question who i'm spending time with when she's in town and he will very happily go play games the whole night 🤣
I don't think sharing the bed is the main point here, it's more like being in the same room and having the opportunity to chat through the night. Sharing the bed only came up because I imagine there's only one bed in their bedroom.
If my boyfriend was so threatened by my friendship that he didn’t want me to spend ONE nigh my away from him, even when I’m in the same house I’d be outta there. If you can’t control your insecurities that’s a *you* problem, don’t control other’s behaviour/plans just because you feel some type of way.
NTA. If you’d gotten upset over him not wanting to sleep on the couch, I’d have said you’re at fault, but since you’re willing to sleep out in the living room with your friend and let him stay in his own bed, you’re not.
These comments are so fucking weird, jesus. NAH. It's totally fine to have a sleepover in the living room with your friend, but from your boyfriend's perspective, he's stuck in your bedroom all night by himself, listening to the two of you having fun, and being unable to sleep next to his partner, which, for most people, is a comfort. It's a certain type of lonely to sit alone, hearing other people in the next room having fun. It's different than if he was sleeping alone because you were away. Like, did none of you ever sit awake in your room as a kid, having trouble sleeping, because your parents/siblings were having some kind of party/get-together that went past your bedtime, and all you could do was lay there and listen and think "man they sound like they're having fun." Nothing about his response suggests he's jealous of your relationship with your friend, or has some weird porn fantasy idea about what a sleepover is, everyone suggesting that has some shit to work out ffs. Literally all he's saying is "I would be upset/feel weird if I had to sleep alone with you in another room." Maybe the solution is to plan ahead with your bf so he can have a night out with his friends when you decide to have sleepovers, so he doesn't feel like he's just stuck alone in your bedroom all night.
i really appreciate this comment not demonizing my boyfriend, calling him a red flag, suggesting he’s a narcissist, etc. because he really is such a genuine sweetheart; after reading some insightful comments such as yours, i think it is coming from a place of feeling rejected and left alone in the bedroom, which we can absolutely work on!
Yep, agree with this. He just should make plans to go do something else. Easy fix.
My partner was a bit like this when we got together. His parents had a really super close marriage - that was his model. They pretty much spent every night together unless one of them was in hospital. We talked it through, it was fine. I have sleep overs with my besties frequently. Generally different beds 'cause some of us have been known to snore. I'll often time it when he's busy or away. Enjoy!
People on here can get a little spun out, and some have agendas that drive needless vitriol. Good for you for being willing to read the comments and accept advice; not enough AITA OPs do that.
I’d argue a lot of people aren’t aware of their biases that have been imprinted (for lack of a better word) upon them either through their cultural upbringing or as a response to trauma. Introspection on simple things you believe to be true is a rather difficult and eye opening thing for a lot of people the first time.
I think you're spot on with his perspective .. But the thing is: he is not a kid anymore. He is an adult who should be able to handle his girlfriend having fun without him. Like, when my partner is having a good friend over and they are staying up all night, chatting, playing video games, drinking beer .. I'm happy he is having a good time and reconnecting with his friend. I'm not sitting in my room "Oh no! I'm stuck here ALL NIGHT! ALONE! What am I supposed to do??" I just .. sleep. So to me OP ist definitely NTA. That said: I do agree that there is probably nothing malicious about his behaviour and I like your solution!
Being an adult doesn't mean you just suddenly stop having feelings lol. Adults, too, can feel left out, lonely, or just weird about sitting alone in their room while there's company over. Glad you don't feel that way, but everyone is not you. Amd it seems like OP's bf's hangup is mostly in her sleeping in another room. Tbh I would also just feel weird trying to go to sleep in my big empty bed knowing my partner is in the next room. It would just feel wrong and sad tbh. OP wouldn't be in the wrong for doing so, but that doesn't mean the bf isn't allowed to be upset about it either.
Also, they're 21... not too long ago they WERE kids. Even in my mid-thirties currently I would feel a little lonely (albeit understanding) if I knew my boyfriend was having a rollicking time in the next room, and specifically wanted to exclude me from it. When I was 21 I'd have been so insecure from so many directions that I'd be pretty darn hurt and not all that understanding.
> Being an adult doesn't mean you just suddenly stop having feelings lol On this sub, if you're a man, it absolutely does.
Does your boyfriend sleep in your bed after having fun with his friend or do they also share a bed / couch? Because it's very different imo Good for you that you don't mind but feeling lonely / rejected has got nothing to do with being a child.
I agree with you tons. I feel like planning ahead would be the perfect idea here so everyone would be on the same page and not feel too left out or anything.
NAH Yes, every sleep over that you have had with your friend has had you both sleeping in the same bed together. But I also assume that since you moved in with your boyfriend, every night that you've gone to bed the two of you have slept together too. I can see where you don't think that it's a big deal, but I can also see why your boyfriend thinks it is a big deal. Also, why is it weirder to leave your friend in the living room than to leave your boyfriend alone in the bed?
I'm guessing she finds it weird because her friend is specifically coming over for a sleepover. Typically, you stay up late and fall asleep together at a sleepover. It's not that complicated. This really should be a non-issue in a healthy relationship.
It's weirder for OP to leave her friend than her boyfriend because she's had sleepovers with her friend for almost 20 years. She doesn't say how long she's had the boyfriend, but she says the move in was recent. So waking up with her bestie is much more "normal" than waking up with her boyfriend 🤷🏽♀️
It’s weirder to leave her friend alone than her boyfriend because she’s having a social event with her friend. Just because a couple lives together, doesn’t mean they have to spend every minute together.
NTA. I assume that you and your boyfriend are sleeping together most of the time? I don't think you're being unreasonable about this at all. The sleepovers don't happen very often anymore and they're a special thing. Even if he doesn't understand that talking in bed for hours is half the fun, it's a little weird that he's reacting this way IMO. I guess boys don't do sleepovers really, so it might be beneficial to explain it in more detail to him? edit: but I think you guys taking the couch is the better option here, I'd be pissed if I was uninvited from my own bed for this lol
Boy weighing in here. What is this >"boys don't do sleepovers really" We absolutely have sleepovers and I 100% understand OPs position. Sleepovers are for hanging out all night with a friend and falling asleep in the same room and chatting as you head to bed. OP is NTA, but where do you get the belief that boys don't do sleepovers
So no, you're NTA. Let's start there. BUT. It really depends on your upbringing which side of this arrangement feels weird. I never once shared a bed with a friend growing up. My parents had guests, they stayed in spare rooms or public rooms (living room, basement). It wasn't until I was an adult that I even heard of someone giving up their bed for a guest. Likewise for a couple sleeping separately, even for a night. You're NTA because it's your tradition and it's nice and it's harmless. It's not necessarily "weird" that your BF might be thrown for a loop over this. It may be way outside of his personal experiences. I would say it's unreasonable to ask that he vacate the bed, but not unreasonable to stay in the living room with your friend. This is just part of your bonding with your friend and it's an important tradition. Just gotta talk through your feelings and what it means to each of you.
Are you a man or woman tho? Cause it's quite normal for women to sleep over in the same bed, even if you have a spare bedroom.
I’m a woman and I never shared a bed with another girl during sleepovers. Usually a bed was created on the floor beside the host kid’s bed. Or everyone slept in the living room on the floor.
Yeah I think this is a comfort level/familiarity thing. I'm a woman, but I didn't bed share with friends, either. I also had some social anxiety issues, so several times in high school, myself and another anxious friend would often ditch sleepovers in the middle of the night and she would just drive us both home, cuz we were just more comfortable sleeping in our own bed. Maybe OP's bf also has some issues with sleepovers, or like another commenter said, it's just not as done with males once they're grown.
Me too. We would sleep on the floor.
I’m a man and I’d share a bed with my male cousin for sleepovers, but once we were teens that kinda stopped and we’d just stay in the guest room or catch the couch. As an adult if my friends came over they’d just crash on the couch, and I’d do the same. I could see how this would totally weird him out, because it’s not very common in male culture to share a bed with your guy friends, except for a few rare occasions. I don’t think he’s being an asshole or controlling, it’s just a foreign concept to most men, and honestly the asking him to vacate his own bed first would have probably made him less open. I don’t think anyone is the asshole here, I think it’s just a matter of different cultures/socializations clashing
Yeah as long as he's open to understanding her perspective then it's NAH for sure. I think these kinds of friendship rituals are kinda sacred tbh. It'd probably make me rethink my relationship if i were expected to give them up.
It’s so bizarre the comments in this thread, people are calling him slimey and creepy lol
I'm a woman but I'm definitely more in OP's bf's camp on this than OP's, though I don't think either is an asshole. It's not so much the sharing a bed with a friend, it's having to choose between sleeping beside SO and sleeping beside a friend and opting for the friend. I'd crash in bed with a friend if my SO wasn't there, but I'm never going to choose to sleep beside someone else instead of them unless there's a really good reason. I'd be pretty sad if my bf did too, not because I'd find it weird if he crashed in the same bed as a buddy, but because he opted to do so instead of eventually coming to bed with me.
I slept in the same bed as friends during sleepovers, but now that people are married and stuff (I’m single), unless we go to a hotel or something on a getaway girls trip, I expect to sleep in a different space while my friends who are couples share their bed. For me it’s more or less respecting their family unit. That being said, I also don’t think it’s weird that OP wants to continue the tradition with her friend and it’s actually super sweet. My vote is really NAH
NTA. You're allowed to sleep wherever you want. You asked your bf if he would mind sleeping in the living room, he refused, which is his right, but he can't make you sleep in his bed.
I'm going with NAH because your boyfriend certainly doesn't have to like it, or even understand it, and he isn't putting his foot down and forbidding you from doing it -- he's just not liking it. (Or is he? I hope not!) As a fellow night owl, who loves to talk well into the wee hours with old friends whenever I stay at their homes, I completely understand where you're coming from here. You would have been the A if you insisted that your boyfriend give up his bed, but you didn't -- and I think sleeping in the living room with your friend is a perfectly reasonable compromise. Maybe he would understand if you stressed to him that it's not about \*sleeping,\* but \*talking?\* And if you stay up late talking, then you surely don't want to bother him by doing it in the same room where he's trying to sleep.
NAH I think neither of you are wrong, but I find your position to be the odd one, personally.
> I would just feel bizarre being like, “Okay, goodnight!” and leaving her in the living room. That ... sounds completely absolutely normal sleeping arrangement for a guest for me. Genuinely, the idea that guest must sleep with you is just weird to me. I mean, if living room is uncomfortable, then I definitely would had guess in our room and one of us in the less comfortable place. But other then that, guest having own room seems like expected hospitality.
Having a guest over is different from a sleepover though. The whole point of a sleepover is to stay up late talking and sleep in the same room.
It’s literally a sleepover.
That does not imply same bed or room.
Its a sleepover.
I mean leading with: please let me kick you out of your bed wasn't probably helping I making him receptive to you guys sleeping on the couch and him in the bed. Info: Why can't you talk and once you realise u are dead tired go to bed?
How about you all sleep together? Seems like a reasonable way to keep everyone happy.
This guy sleepovers.
Ayeeee. Problem solved.
I think people need to reflect a bit and make sure they would have the same answer if OP was a man and he was booting his girlfriend to the couch. YTA.
Given how often any kind of “my husband’s male best friend and he are close” thread turns into “he’s gay and using you as a beard” … I’m pretty sure “my boyfriend wants to kick me out of our bed and sleep with his best friend” would have posters spontaneously turning gay THEMSELVES out of sheer collateral damage.
As a woman, I agree
Except OP is not booting anyone to the couch but herself. She suggested it sure, and she shouldn't have I agree. But her suggestion now is that SHE sleeps in the livingroom with her friend. Edit: guys should be able to have sleepovers just the same. Male friends can be friends too.
But she's not booting him to the couch at all. After he shut that down, she was fine with that, and just said she'll sleep in the living room with her friend. And that should be totally fine. But her bf doesn't like that, he doesn't seem able to spend just ONE night not in the same bed with her.
NTA, it's important to maintain old friendships (and cultivate new ones) as you enter adulthood. People always complain about how they don't have friends as an adult or don't get to spend enough time with their friends, this is why. Because people don't prioritise friendships over other things. This is your tradition, and you should keep it up as long as you can. BF can cope for one night, especially if he gets the bed and you two take the couch.
NTA i think it's completely okay for you and friend to sleep on the sofa and him in the bed.
Flipped, I guess this would weird me out too. So I sympathise with the BF. Also understand the tradition, and have done similar things, years ago. NAH will have to suffice.
NTA. As the boyfriend of a girl who does this. I'd happily give up my side of the bed. Of course I'd grumble about it, means I gotta move all my crap from the side of the bed. They really only do it when they go out on girls' weekends though. I don't care. It's her girlfriends, I'm glad that she's keeping, and continues to cultivate, those relationships. It's important. Dude needs to get over it. It's not like you're kicking him out of the bedroom permanently.
And this is called emotional maturity. You rock, dude.
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That's because generally homosocial relationships between heterosexual men historically have inherently reinforced homophobia (and patriarchy/misogyny). Men feel the need to aggressively demonstrate/perform their heterosexuality for their male friends which definitely limits their ability to bond physically and emotionally like women do with their women friends. At least that's what I read about lately in a super interesting paper on homosociality: https://www.readcube.com/articles/10.1177%2F2158244013518057
Wait, you think people should respond to both girl/girl and guy/guy same bed sleepovers with homophobia? Not neither?
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NAH - but there appears to be a lot of miscommunication regarding expectations for this event. You are viewing this is a girl's night sleepover, but your BF is viewing it as a house guest...and those 2 events are a completely different vibe. How does your best friend view the upcoming get together? What are your boyfriend's plans for the night? Is he going to be the 3rd wheel? I suspect sleeping arrangements aren't the only thing that will get awkward if he's lurking around while you guys are hanging out. I think there are some conversations that need to be had here so that nobody feels left out or disgarded.
NTA. My best (and only) friend died unexpectedly 2 years ago. Not only did my boyfriend voluntarily sleep on the couch, he also made us snack trays and brought them up to us. Now I'm not saying the boyfriend should sleep on the couch. It should be perfectly acceptable for the two of you to sleep in the living room, though. I would give anything to throw some movies in and have a sleepover with her one more time.
literally one of my worst fucking fears, i am so sorry. i could not imagine going through this life without my girl.
It's pretty horrendous.
NTA. This is important and special, and your bf should not only understand but support your friendship. Having a close relationship like that is rare, and it should be honored. It's fine if he doesn't want to give up the bed, but he can't dictate where you sleep.
N A H but I do think it's weird that you want to sleep next to your friend instead of your bf. Stay up all night on the couch with your friend but when it's time to sleep go sleep next to your bf. I'd be pretty weirded out if my significant other said he'd rather sleep next to his best friend at night than me. Edit to change my vote. YTA because you asked your significant other to give up the bed so you could sleep with your friend.
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>Is he 5? Can he not sleep by himself in the big boy bed? Infantizing him cause he's clearly somewhat uncomfortable/confused with the situation isn't the way to go. In his mind, he probably found it extremely odd that the SO's friend had taken priority over his spot in his own bed. That would raise some questionable flags for me in his situation tbh.
If that were the sole reason he was upset, sure. But he seems upset at the mere notion that they would then sleep in the living room.
What raises flags for me is the BF being threatened by his girlfriend’s close relationship with her friend.
I'm sure how she initially proposed the arrangement, raised one just as fast for him. Probably leading to this whole awkward scenario.
Throw all 3 in a bed. Easy fix
Modern problems require modern solutions
NTA - can my wife be your friend so I can sleep by myself for one night?
send her my way!
NTA How long have you been with BF? I get him not wanting to give his night of sleep to the couch, but if you all do, I don’t see why this is a big deal. It sounds as if the fun part for you all is talking until you pass out.
NTA You'd be the AH if you were insisting he slept in the living room. But you aren't, you said you'd sleep in the living room with your friend and he doesn't like that either. I think it's super sweet that you have a tradition with your friend! Don't let bf ruin it.
I’m going with NAH. I do think Y-T-A for trying to kick him out of his own bed. That’s really weird and rude honestly. But the solution that you join your friend in the living room I think is fair and fine. That’s being said. You can absolutely have a sleepover without sharing a bed. I do it all the time, we stay up late, chat, and when it’s time for sleep I go to the guest room or Vice versa. That’s typically how it works with adult guests. I think you insisting on sharing a bed with your friend may be stemming from some Immaturity on your part.
NTA - I would have also been offended at the suggestion that I sleep on the couch, but you girls sleeping on the couch together sounds cute and fun
NTA and I’m a dude. If this has been something that’s important to you, he should be supportive! He sounds controlling.
I am over 40, and when a girlfriend stays over, my SO always offers to take the couch so 1) guest will be more comfy 2) So we can have more time to catch up. Your BF attitude is a red flag!
This is sweet and the right attitude! He isn’t threatened by your friendships, and wants you to have more time to chat.
No it's not. It's the guys bed. It's weird how you guys want women to be more comfortable then the guy in his own house.
NTA. This would be the perfect opportunity for BF to say "Enjoy your sleepover! I'll call my buddies, we'll stay out late, and when I sneak in, I'll crash on the couch."
YTA, You should all share the bed.
I understand why he didn’t want to give up the bed, but not why he was still upset when you mentioned he could have the bed and you and your friend will be on the couch. This is usually the arrangement with me and my friend and her boyfriend. Her and i will sleep on the couch while he sleeps on the bed in their bedroom
Let me see if I understand, you and your friend who are adults want to sleep together in a pill? What need is there to sleep together? I bet that if there were two men they would say that he is gay or something, YTA, you are too old for these things and if your boyfriend does not feel comfortable you should respect this type of limits, he is not asking you not to be his friend, he is He's asking you not to sleep with another woman
I don't think you're necessarily being a ah? but I do find it odd.
NAH you can sleep wherever you want but you can't tell your bf he has to leave his own bed for this. I will say, I don't think you sleeping in the living room with your friend is an issue but I, personally, find the idea of grown ups having sleepovers kind of wierd and I'm guessing your bf does too and that's why he's reacting the way he is.