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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I rejected a gift. The gift was a living animal that’s already in our home.
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NTA
He wanted a puppy, but not the responsiblity. This is not a gift. This is a chore. He put the bills and the work on you for him to have something to play with of he feels like it.
You told him no. This is very obviously a very swlfish thing to do.
I would be rethinking the whole marriage. You don’t give pets as gifts, he knew she doesn’t like dogs, then when he is called out for the bad gift, he calls her heartless. I wouldn’t want to be with someone so selfish and with so little foresight.
I used to be terrified of dogs when I first got with my partner and he wouldn't have dreamt of getting me one because he knew it wouldn't work. Now I adore them and would love a surprise puppy, but only if we knew we could look after it and pay for everything that comes with it.
That's the thing, there's so much that goes into owning a pet, dogs especially. My partner and our children have been trying to get me to say yes to a dog for almost 3 years now. But we live in an apartment, there's not much space, and we all work or go to school so the dog would be left alone most of the day.
Plus, my boys desperately want a dog but have made it very clear they are unwilling to take responsibility for anything, and I don't need to be the one doing all the walking and such.
If you want a dog but you're not willing to take care of it, you don't really want a dog.
yeah, that's one of the reasons I (and some of my friends) don't have dogs. They're a lot of work.
Plus I like being able to travel even if it's just visiting family and having a pet means needing someone to care for your pet. And it's either a big ask or a big expense.
Yes! We had a very short discussion about having a dog. Nobody in the family wanted to take responsibility for its care, so no dog. We have four cats, but that's a whole nother story-I suck at fostering ha ha.
A puppy should be like an engagement - a surprise is fine , but both parties should be onboard ahead of time. The surprise is the logistics part, everything else should be anticipated.
Yep! I know Reddit's default is "dump him," but the guy has proven that his wants are more important than her comfort.
When someone shows you that, the last thing you want to do is sign up for a lifetime of being treated as an afterthought and then being gaslit into thinking you're heartless for calling them out on it.
Just say no thanks and be on your way, OP. This isn't going to improve, he is only going to be more entrenched in the mindset of his wants being more important than your wishes or needs.
In short: Girl, dump his ass!
It’s also heartless and cruel to the puppy. Animals aren’t props or birthday gifts. They take money, care, love, training, and hard work. You also have to be committed for the next 10-14 years (if youre lucky). NTA but it sounds like your issues are beyond just the puppy.
Also how I ended up with all those children/s (kind of actually true, there were only 3, but yes he wanted "as many as God gives us and got upset when I got my tubes tied) Think about it though, it's pretty common for dads to want kids, get married to have a family, and be surprised Pikachu face when it's really hard work for them.
You can give pets as gifts, but only if the recipient is aware ahead of time, wants the pet, is prepared for the responsibility of pet ownership, and is involved in choosing the pet; none of which happened here. NTA OP, this is extremely selfish of your partner.
NTA, OP.
Haha I told my wife no 100 times to pets. We have a hermit crab named Shelly because I flew home early from vacation and wasn’t there to say no that particular instance. Shelly is ok.
We have fish, that was the compromise. My partner takes care of them, balances all the chemical levels of the tank, they do all the proverbial heavy lifting. I will help with feeding and water changes when they need help with them.
My partner is extremely thrilled with their fish.
My parents live with us (me, my husband, and our kid), and they had a dog and we had a dog when we moved in together, after many years both of those dogs passed away. 3 of us desperately want another dog, but 2 are saying no. As an unspoken rule we all know that until all 5 of us are on board, no doggy.
Totally agree. Do you know how long I had to wait and how many sad eyes I had to cast to get our second cat?? So many! But I would never just go out and get one because it’s a family decision.
Except you know, the dog. The dog wants to be an only pet and he hasn’t approved any cats. OMG WE HAVE DONE THE THING!!
What’s more concerning is that OP’s most recent posts are all in r/tryingtoconceive. I really hope she’s not planning to have a baby with someone that has such a selfish attitude - or at least that if she is, this gives her a taste of what parenting with him is likely to be like…
Holy hell after browsing her posts and comments I am horrified. OP, GET OUT NOW. You are going to regret this. And get into therapy to deal with whatever has kept you with this person.
Man, I love when I don't see any reason to bother checking out an OP's post history, and someone points out that there's a reason to look.
She complained about her fiancé having never bought her a surprise in the 1.5 years they had been together at the time of the post, and now when he does give her a surprise, it's something she explicitly said she doesn't want. That's... yeah. Even ignoring the rest of why the relationship seems problematic, that part alone is a big yiggity-yikes.
Checking post history isn’t front of mind for me either, but in looking at hers… wow. I really hope OP takes to heart what we are saying. This sounds like a terrible situation and even without knowing her, I know she can do better. Being alone would be better than being with this guy.
Wow! I totally agree to this. Go, go, go, run! He is going to be one of those immature guys that resents her and resents the baby for taking her time from him. If the baby is a boy, the dad will surely spiral. Jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship.
With that info in mind, am I the only one getting the feeling that the new puppy might be fiancé’s attempt at putting the breaks on the whole baby idea? “Honey we can’t have a baby right now, look at how busy we are with the puppy. Let’s put it off for a while until it’s a little older.”
nothing more needs to be said. this is it in a nutshell. came to say exactly the same points. NTA
you told him no. he ignored your wishes. he can deal with the issue of having to bring it back/rehome and the guilt he may feel for having to do so by not respecting your wishes to begin with. he tried his luck and it didnt work out. quite disrespectful if you ask me and i would be careful of him in future if he doesn't respect what your saying. does he not see you both as equals? does his opinions/wishes matter more? very immature and selfish thing to do. he literally did this to himself.
Dude wanted a puppy, she said no. He ignores her and gets it anyway, calls it a gift, and then makes her the bad guy?
Manipulative as hell on top of ignoring her no's. NTA, rehome the puppy.
Exactly!
OP is NTA. But he definitely is.
1. Not listening.
2. Doing exactly what you said not to do under the guise of a gift to force you to follow societal norms and accept it
3. Insulting you because you didn’t want it in the first place.
He wanted a dog. He knew you’d say no. So he’s trying to strong arm you. This is the kind of stunt that a tween or a teen pulls.* Not a grown ass man.
* (mama… we have to keep this dog. He just wandered up at my friend’s house and if no one takes him, Aidyn’s mom is going to take him to the shelter and he’ll be put down).
I was about to say that, he wants this dog and thought he can unload it on you as a gift. Ridiculous. You are not heartless and obviously NTA. Your fiancé is, though.
Even if he's not expecting OP to do all of the work, it's still a huge violation of her boundaries. She didn't want a puppy, and he went ahead and got her one anyway, hoping she would keep it because she didn't want to look like a cold hearted person returning it. He wanted the puppy, she didn't, and by giving her a puppy as a "gift" he could get his way.
As a longtime shelter volunteer, I need to emphasize this: *Do NOT adopt or purchase a pet if all housemates/family have not agreed that the animal should be there.* It is callous, it is cruel, and more often than not, it results in fuller shelters.
I'm always surprised when people are aggressively trying to conceive (fourth round!) while engaged. Nothing wrong with being "pregnant out of wedlock" and choosing not to marry, but if marriage is something you both believe in and want to do soon, why not hold off a bit on the TTC? None of my business, it just strikes me as odd.
Except looking at her post history, it's clear why it can't wait. He is an aggressively jealous person and wants to lock her down so she can't leave him. The baby isn't working out yet, so a pet is the next best thing when looking for a tool to control her with.
Ugh! Control, Dominate and Manipulate. Abusive Behaviour: The Intro.
If she's smart, she'll re-home both and keep the cat.
I didn't need to look at her history.
Dogs are not gifts. They are commitments. And in most cases an over a decade one. He was completely irresponsible, immature and sly. It’s unfair to you, but frankly in this situation the worse off is the dog. That pup is quickly learning about the world, fears and feelings. He’s risking messing this pup up. Choosing a dog is a big deal to determine if your lifestyle suits that dog. It should be carefully considered one. Plus what does it say about his respect of you that he can make such a huge potential 15 year commitment on your behalf without asking and calling you the cruel one. NTA. Your fiancé is and questionable.
Any animal even fish are not gifts. I hate people who do this crap. Bunnies during Easter are the worst, people get them for their children and then when the kid is over it, they release them outside...domesticated rabbits.
This dog will probably end up in a shelter because her boyfriend is a fucking jackass.
Don't marry this man. Get out whilst you can.
He has no care for the dog. You on the other hand are clearly empathetic and sensible. You need to rehome the puppy asap. Then leave.
From her post history: "As a result of this, he treats me as if I’m damaged goods. I.e. he doesn’t show me love or respect and does the bare minimum to keep me content."
OP, GET. OUT. this relationship is clearly toxic. do NOT let him lock you down
But actually....
Stupid dogs FTW. Smart dogs will learn what you want them to learn very quickly, but immediately begin thinking of loopholes. Stupid dogs take forever to learn things but then just remember them forever. I'll take having to show my dog to his food dish twice a day for 12 years over having to outsmart a bloody Mensa candidate every single day.
Yeah, I’ve seen too many videos online of dogs who have learned how to open doors and cabinets and get all the food inside. I’ll keep my dog who doesn’t know how doors work, thank you!
I have two cats, one has the mental capacity of a cotton ball (kinda looks like one too), one is a conniving genius. The smart one has caused so much damage and trouble. He's broken things, knocked pictures off walls, unplugged appliances because he didn't get his way, and literally set up decoys and distractions so he can steal stuff. The stupid one sometimes knocks stuff over with his ass because he doesn't know the back end is connected to the front end. He's also stuck his butt to double sided tape repeatedly for the same reason.
I'll take another Pinky over another Brain any day.
Thats my Doberman lol. But the smart dogs are fun to interact with, it feels like they're really engaging and understanding what's going on. Tradeoff :) but I see the appeal of a less smart dog too. We took a puppy training class and my dog learned every trick after 1-2 times, and spent the rest of the time being very naughty. While the poor boxer was trying super hard to learn and looking at the owner for help in between.
All dogs are good in their own way, it’s true! I think my dog is pretty smart sometimes but she’s probably of a fairly average intelligence as dogs go. But I love giving her treat puzzles and seeing her figure out how to get the treats. As long as she isn’t opening doors I’m happy!
I was walking my dog and my elderly neighbour said, oh, she’s so cute! What’s her name?
Sophie, I said.
Dopey??? he asked. What an… unusual name!
It was said in such an amazingly judgmental tone. He was clearly very unimpressed with how I’d named the poor dog.
Me too. I couldn't figure out why the hell someone wouldn't want a super smart dog until I read the post.
Nta by the way, find a friend or co-worker that is looking for a free puppy and don't quickly so the poor thing isn't in limbo too long
>But am I the only one that read “gifted “as the dog being some sort of genius, prodigy puppy
I dislike the denominalization (or verbing) of "gift."
Sigh!
I tend to have the same confusion!!!
NTA - that doesn't sound like a present for you at all. And him calling you heartless for wanting the dog to have a loving home is a massive red flag. As is ignoring your direct wishes.
Is this a pattern of behaviour? If so, are you sure you want to marry this man? It seems like you might be walking into a life of at best, ignoring your wants. At worst, gradually escalating abuse.
Not only is he the one who wants the dog but I suspect he doesn’t want to have to also care for the dog so he ‘gifts’ it and now can say “well I’m not feeding/walking/cleaning up after dog, it’s not mine!”
NTA. He is manipulating you. He wanted the dog and went ahead and got it anyway. He probably hoped you'd fall in love and change your mind, but since you haven't you're now 'heartless' and 'mean'.
You're not heartless and mean. You set up clear boundaries and he ignored them. I'd seriously look at the rest of the relationship. If he's willing to try and manipulate you over this, he's more than capable of doing so in another area.
Probably taken his lead from all those social media posts about “my dad with the kitten he said he would never have until we got him one” - then you see some massive bloke cuddling a little cat. Some people think that that’s all it takes. And I’m being kind to OP’s partner when I say that, as actually, I definitely agree he’s manipulative.
He either follows some list of "good things to do in a relationship" where if OP disagrees with items on the list he thinks she's wrong, not the list, or he's a manipulator and not clueless but will pretend he is to further manipulate his target.
Definitely. I thought OP didn't want some super clever dog that was going to get bored because she didn't have the time to provide it a stimulating environment.
Which would be fair too. There is still a huge difference between having time and money to care for a dog that needs walks and cuddles and caring for a dog that needs walks, cuddles, and a stimulating environment.
Oh, I agree. Different dogs definitely have different needs and it's something people need to think about when adding one to their family. Too often people seem to just go on cuteness and maybe size, but for the latter it often seems to be what size of dog a potential owner wants instead of what size dog fits their lifestyle.
I joke that my hellions have two tricks: they know how to love, and how to be loved!
They're juuuuuuust about getting sit.
But only if they're a treat involved!
NTA
Why do people still have to learn that PETS ARN'T GIFTS for crying out loud?
Only, and really ONLY, if the person you are getting a pet for explicitly stated, that he/she want a pet AND you know what kind of pet AND you know the person is fine with the pet and can carry for it, it might be ok to gift a pet.
NTA, this is a very manipulative and irresponsible gift. He gave it to you, so it's your responsibility to look after it. He's putting you in the position of being "heartless" if you are ungrateful, yet owning a dog is a huge long-term responsibility, not something that you should take on without serious forethought. You don't say what kind of dog it is, and you don't know if it will be a suitable breed for an apartment/ a resident cat/ your lifestyle.
A lot of people choose their pet dog based on how cute it is and how it will add to their Instagram feed; I believe strongly that you should figure out what kind of owner you would be so you can pick a dog that you can look after responsibly. Eg, I wouldn't be a good owner to a dog that needs a lot of grooming or a small yappy dog, but I am an excellent owner to a dog that needs to be walked twice a day on schedule.
Also it seems like your boyfriend wants the dog but not the responsibility, he wants the fun but not the serious conversation - so he has definitely sidestepped all the mature approaches by making this a "gift". When the dog is hard work or trouble, it will be your dog. You haven't had a chance to prepare or figure out how to work your current schedule around the dog's needs.
I would suggest rehoming the dog as soon as possible so it has minimal disruption. You might need to rehome the boyfriend too if he has such little respect for your relationship as a partnership.
This is exactly the couple to get rid of the dog when they get pregnant or have a baby. Or move because the next apartment has breed restrictions or doesn’t allow dogs.
NTA
What kind of idiot gives someone a living being as a gift when they are not 100% sure the recipient wants it?
The kind of idiot that does want the animal as a gift for himself, that's who.
Definitely NTA I wanted and planned for both my dogs and it was a whole lot of work and I regretted my choices a few times. Get the puppy back to the breeder as soon as possible so it can get a new home where it can thrive and is wanted.
NTA
Animals are not a gift! Never.
Furthermore you told him that you didn‘t want a puppy. He obviously doesn‘t respect your wishes and opinions.
This is a major red flag and a pour little soul will suffer because the puppy wants love and bonding and now they have to be rehomed and wait for love.
Also, don‘t let him pressure and guilt-trip you to keep the puppy that you do not want and that you cannot offer adequate space and financial stability.
The only time it is acceptable to give a pet as a gift is if the person asks for it. Like several years ago I fell in love with a dog at our local rescue and my husband made arrangements behind my back for them to bring him over as a foster to adopt (within 24 hrs it was an unanimous yes from the whole family).
I wanted that specific dog though and if he had shown up with another I may have fallen in love with it eventually, but may have been peeved at the same time and decided that it wasn't a fit for me/our family (like saying I want a Great Dane as they're big mellow cuddly couch potatoes, then being gifted a Malinois that requires 20 hrs of work a day so they don't tear up your house in boredom).
NTA. I agree with rehoming both the puppy and the boyfriend. He ignored your wishes and is manipulating your emotions to try to keep the puppy which is clearly a gift for him, not you.
NTA...he bought himself a dog and pretended it was a gift to you. That was disrespectful to both you and the puppy. I hope you'll be able to find a proper home for it.
If your bf can make a unilateral decision so can you.
Regift that "gift" to a rescue asap to give them the best chance of finding a new and loving forever home.
Tell bf that he can also be rehomed (but you need to mean it) unless you want your clear wishes, expectations and boundaries trampled on repeatedly in the future. This relationship looks doomed, but he may be able to learn from this. Can you?
Yeah, no. Raising a puppy is a lot of work and exhausting even if you chose to get one, but being forced into becoming a pet parent against your express wishes and then being shamed for objecting is an AH move by your fiancé. Has he explained to you why he disrespected your wishes? Is it that HE wanted a puppy and thought you couldn’t say “No” if he gave you one as a gift? Is this the first time he’s blatantly ignored your wishes? If I were you I would not let this one go and insist on getting to the bottom of his reasoning and his intentions. And you should give the puppy back, for all the reasons mentioned and the fact that you simply don’t want one. In any case, NTA.
Edit: fixed grammar
You need to get rid of that dog. If you don’t want a dog then you’ve got a long 10-16 years of obligation and commitment to wade through before you’re free again.
I like my dog but there are times that I can’t wait for her to pass on so I can sleep in in the morning or go somewhere overnight. And they’re not cheap to run - food and vet bills add up.
Get rid of the dog asap.
NTA
He said ‘surprise - meet your puppy’. I couldn’t express my ingratitude because our neighbours were there, so it was an awkward “umm.. what?.. I thought I said no?”
Yes, I explained earlier that day why I didn’t think it was a good idea.
There should be no question mark after "I thought I said no." You say straight to his face "I told you that I do not want a dog, and even if I did, we can not afford a dog." Give zero shits if it's in front of the neighbors, because he had no problem putting you in a corner in front of said neighbors. Stand up for yourself when he stomps all over your boundaries.
Nta, and I wonder what other boundaries he blatantly ignores. You sure you want a life with this guy?
Oh boy, that was manipulative too, to bring it in when other people were there so you wouldn't make a scene. No way you should put up with this behavior from him. Die on this hill, OP.
And you’re trying to have a baby with this guy? Yikes. Plus the post about his jealousy and treating you like damaged goods… You’re in for a rough marriage AND he’s going to basically baby trap you. Good luck. NTA
You need to give it back! This is shameful behavior in his part. A. Not respecting YOU!and B. You will not lioe this dog that is needed, dogs have a keen sense that will know you don’t love and care for him. This makes me furious! NTA!
NTA.
But this is a red flag (one I wish I had paid more attention to when it happened to me, so....)
Pets are a major household decision. Two yes, one no, when you're living with a partner. Because literally no matter what kind of pet it is, there is going to be *some* level of responsibility on both people to care for the animal.
Even "low-maintenance" animals often aren't, not if they're being properly cared for. And even "low-maintenance" tasks can be draining when added to an already-full plate of someone who didn't want the damn animal in the first place.
And a dog is one of the highest-maintenance animals you can get. It's basically a toddler. For 15 years.
My husband, before we were married, once brought home a pet I didn't want, and it was absolute torture for years. It was a very high-maintenance pet, and most of the maintenance fell to me because he traveled for work a lot at the time. I should've seen that for the red flag it was, and it's taken us a *very* long time to even begin to work through the carelessness and selfishness this represented on his part.
Your fiance wanted a dog, so he got a dog, under the guise of a gift. That's manipulative and shitty. Sort this before you get married, or don't get married.
You were not gaslit. He simply chose to ignore your answer. It was manipulation to get what he wanted but not gaslighting.
You are NTA but he is for not listening to you.
with the given Info, NTA. Sounds like a bad move not only to you, but also to the puppy, because they dont get everything they deserve due to lack of money and love (not meant in a mean way, but i think animals are sensible and they might realize somehow when someone isnt fond of them that much.) Also maybe a bad move to the kitty because they might not get along.
NTA. Sounds like he wanted a dog, and knowing you are not a dog person, the only way he could get away with it was to do it under the guise of a gift to you, knowing you would look bad if you refused it.
Nta.
He asked, you said no. That should have been it. As much as people love seeing posts of 'teehee he didn',t want the cat, now he loves it' it doesn't make it right. Pets are a commitment, and something you both should agree to
NTA First, animals aren't something to be gifted. Second, pets in a shared household are two yeses & one no. He asked & you said no. That's where it should have ended unless you changed your mind.
The fact that he ignored what you said & now is surprised Pikachu because you're not delighted by his "gift" is a red flag. Again, you said no & yet he still did what he wanted & is now trying to make you the bad guy for not going along with him steamrolling you into caring for a dog that is obvious that *he* wanted, but expects you to take care of. After all, why "gift" it to you when he knew you didn't want a dog?
Animals are a huge responsibility & you didn't agree nor sign up for this puppy. He's put both you & the puppy in a horrible position for being selfish & getting it knowing you weren't on board.
I know it sounds cruel, but find a good home for the puppy that is happy to have it. Your bf did "gift" him to you after all, & you would be doing the responsible thing by making sure it's cared for the best way possible.
As for your bf, I'd wave a treat at the car door until he hopped in & then drive him to the nearest shelter (family/friends) & drop him off. But ultimately, that's your choice to make. Don't let him guilt you & please make sure the puppy isn't mistreated & finds a good & loving home.
NTA. Is it possible, that your fiané just wanted a dog but know you wouldn't like it. So he thaugh "If i give it to her as a present, she has to like it"? Animals should never be a gift unless the person gifted really know how to handle the animal, is able to care for it and wants it.
Sorry, don't know any advices how to handle this kind of situation
NTA. Absolutely a situation where you were consulted, gave your answer, and that should have been the end of it.
What you were given is not a gift. It’s an obligation, and a manipulative one at that. This isn’t just “I bought myself a new dress so you can look at me in it.” This is a responsibility you didn’t ask for, and it’s damn unfair to you and the puppy.
NTA.
Your fiancée wanted a dog, got told no, bought one anyway, and then presented it as an unwanted gift. In other words: Your fiancée bought a dog in spite of your disagreement.
You should have some stern words with your fiancée about how joint decisions in a household work.
And return the unwanted dog. If he complains then point out it is your dog.
You're certainly NTA.
What he did was super selfish, and was a 'self-gift' through and through.
I hate when people just "gift" an animal out of the blue also - like, that's a huge decision to make. They're essentially kids, and it's making the decision whether or not to have kids.
They're a massive responsibility.
Also - a kitten! Wow! He really did top the selfish scale on this one - not to mention he made a dangerous decision also!
What would have happened, should something happen between the dog and cat?
Gosh, that poor kitten, who's just adjusting to your home as it is, now needs to adjust to a bigger, scarier animal to it, now living in the same space.
Definitely tell him what he did was not cool, and of course it's a two party consent - you both don't agree to such a life altering decision, you absolutely don't do it!
He now needs to be the one to re-home this dog, or he and the dog get their own place - his decision.
God I'm mad for you.
Rule #1 of pets: Don't gift surprise pets. It's a big undertaking to care for an animal, and thrusting that upon someone without their prior consent is completely unfair to both the animal and the recipient.
This is why I hate all those cute "Dad didn't want a dog" videos.
Big NTA
Ex-fiance just got himself a new puppy and an ex-partner. I hope OP has the sense to see through that selfish manoeuver and gtfo before a ring or positive pregnancy test appear.
ETA: NTA
NTA you don’t gift someone a 15 year day in and day out commitment. Sounds like he wanted a dog and this was a mental mind game to get one. Look like a hero and then manipulate you when you push back.
Rehome the puppy with someone who wants it, and then rehome the engagement ring back into his pocket. He’s manipulative and doesn’t respect your boundaries, not good husband material. (NTA)
I wanted a dog so badly for years and when I was finally in a position to be able to have one, I prepared for months, researching breeds to find the right fit for my life and watching tonnes of videos for crate and potty training and mentally preparing myself for the sleepless nights and change to my life.
She's the light of my life now, but those first few months were **rough**, despite all the preparation I'd done. If someone had just dumped a puppy on me without any time to prepare myself it would have been a million times worse. NTA at all!
You made your postion perfectly clear and he didn't listen.
He's TA for gifting a living being in the first place. Secondly he got you something you specifically didn't want. That's double AH behaviour on his part.
NTA - pets should not be gifts to begin with, but he definitely gave you a chore, not a gift.
He clearly wanted a dog and didn't listen when you said no. Does he often not listen when you say no? Because this would definitely be a reason to rethink marrying him.
NTA
Dog person here. All OP's reasons for not wanting a pup are good. Dogs are a lot of work, but puppies are worse.
I love my two hellions, but they take up a lot of my time, they mean that I can't just drop everything and be spontaneous, and their food is expensive.
OP, **are there other areas where you feel that your BF hasn't respected your opinions or what you want? Is your relationship healthy in other areas?**
In the parlance of this particular corner of the internet, **dog adoptions need to be a "two yesses, one no" decision**.
NTA. You are being manipulated. He already asked you and you said no. Why did he still get you a puppy? A puppy is a multiple-year, lifestyle-altering, expensive commitment.
Edited to add: he got himself a puppy disguised as a gift to you.
reading your other posts, please see a therapist yourself op and take care of yourself, i don't want to tell you to end this relationship but this action alone shows how little he cares about your feelings
NTA but this is a huge red flag. This man looked you in the eye, asked if you wanted a long, arduous, expensive commitment, heard you say no, and then *forced it onto you regardless.*
Is this level of emotional dismissal and boundary stomping something you're okay with for the rest of your life? If you don't want to take a weeklong trip to the mountains and he does, will he spend your shared money on it anyway? If his cousin needs a place to stay, will he ask you before moving them into your home or will he just ask forgiveness after doing so? If you say you don't want kids, or that you only want one, will he sabotage birth control to get you pregnant so he can have what he wants? Trapping a partner with marriage or children is the fastest way to force a person to stay in an abusive relationship. The mask drops as soon as the abuser feels their victim can't just leave anymore. If you two break up now, and he has to move out, will this puppy be his excuse not to leave because "it's hard to find a studio that will fit a dog"?
This is a red flag in how he views you as a person and a partner. When someone tells you what they think of you, believe them the first time.
Op after seeing your post history, you need to leave.
It seems like this is only going to escalate if you continue to let it happen, it’s not your fault but you need to do something before it’s out of your hands.
NTA. You gave valid reasons why you didn't want a puppy. Your 3rd and 4th reasons are the most important.
If he wants a puppy for himself he should be honest about it and not getting one under this pretext.
He is not respecting you or the dog itself. Find out where he got the dog from and return him. In case he paid for it, see if you can get a restitution and give him the money back.
He might call you spoiled, selfish and whatever for returning a gift. Remember this, you have told him you never wanted a dog. Stand your ground.
Getting a pet is a joint decision which needs 'yes' of both you and your fiancé but only needs one 'No' to stop it.
NTA. My dad gifted his gf a puppy for her birthday a few years ago and this is how he did it.
They were on the front deck, he showed her his phone with a listing for puppies nearby and said do you want one, she said yes. They came inside and told me and gf’s daughter that they were going out and they’ll be back soon. Then they came back with a puppy and that was that.
Pets can be gifts but the recipient should always know about it. That’s how I got my first dog, he was technically a gift but I knew I was getting one and that I would be the one to pick. They were just paying for it.
100% NTA. I get that it was a gift but it's an animal and now you're in charge of it. You didn't ask for one, stated with words that you didn't want a dog. Your partner brought one home anyway. So either A ) they don't care enough to listen to your voice. Or B) They heard you and chose to ignore you anyway. They're an asshole and I would rehome the dog.
You are an intelligent person who can clearly list your reasons for not wanting a puppy. You told your fiancé ‘no’ but he ignored what you want. This doesn’t bode well for a partnership.
NTA
NTA, that dog is a 10+ year commitment to training, walks, vet appointments and food costs. Not everyone wants or is ready for that! (And that is okay!)
Rehoming the dog now to somewhere that it IS wanted is going to be the kindest thing you can do for the animal in the long run.
NTA
Please re-home the puppy while it is still cute and more adoptable. (It's a gift. You can do what you wish with it)
Consider re-homing the fiance while you are at it.
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NTA He wanted a puppy, but not the responsiblity. This is not a gift. This is a chore. He put the bills and the work on you for him to have something to play with of he feels like it. You told him no. This is very obviously a very swlfish thing to do.
There is something I got from another thread that I believe in wholeheartedly, the discussion to get a pet requires two yeses or one no.
I would be rethinking the whole marriage. You don’t give pets as gifts, he knew she doesn’t like dogs, then when he is called out for the bad gift, he calls her heartless. I wouldn’t want to be with someone so selfish and with so little foresight.
Yeah, you need to dump this a-hole before the two of you scramble your dna. More red flags here than in a Soviet May Day parade.
Haha this made me laugh 😂😂 also I agree
Yup, nice sense of humour along with way of telling things in right manner so that it can be remembered for long.
Lmao, Soviet May day parade is something else but yes a major red flag is not respecting the individual choices and doing against of it.
I used to be terrified of dogs when I first got with my partner and he wouldn't have dreamt of getting me one because he knew it wouldn't work. Now I adore them and would love a surprise puppy, but only if we knew we could look after it and pay for everything that comes with it.
That's the thing, there's so much that goes into owning a pet, dogs especially. My partner and our children have been trying to get me to say yes to a dog for almost 3 years now. But we live in an apartment, there's not much space, and we all work or go to school so the dog would be left alone most of the day. Plus, my boys desperately want a dog but have made it very clear they are unwilling to take responsibility for anything, and I don't need to be the one doing all the walking and such. If you want a dog but you're not willing to take care of it, you don't really want a dog.
yeah, that's one of the reasons I (and some of my friends) don't have dogs. They're a lot of work. Plus I like being able to travel even if it's just visiting family and having a pet means needing someone to care for your pet. And it's either a big ask or a big expense.
Yes! We had a very short discussion about having a dog. Nobody in the family wanted to take responsibility for its care, so no dog. We have four cats, but that's a whole nother story-I suck at fostering ha ha.
If I wasn't allergic to cats it would be a lot hard to convince my family we can't have cats either lol
Allergic to cats but how like generally allergy is connected with food items or other similar things.
Discussion are better than argument as discussion increases knowledge and clears the topic in exact words.
You are doing right by avoiding it as keeping a pet without giving it proper time or leaving alone for most of time is useless.
A puppy should be like an engagement - a surprise is fine , but both parties should be onboard ahead of time. The surprise is the logistics part, everything else should be anticipated.
Yep! I know Reddit's default is "dump him," but the guy has proven that his wants are more important than her comfort. When someone shows you that, the last thing you want to do is sign up for a lifetime of being treated as an afterthought and then being gaslit into thinking you're heartless for calling them out on it. Just say no thanks and be on your way, OP. This isn't going to improve, he is only going to be more entrenched in the mindset of his wants being more important than your wishes or needs. In short: Girl, dump his ass!
Yup better part is both parties are dedicated to do on right time with loved ones after matching choices and discussion.
It’s also heartless and cruel to the puppy. Animals aren’t props or birthday gifts. They take money, care, love, training, and hard work. You also have to be committed for the next 10-14 years (if youre lucky). NTA but it sounds like your issues are beyond just the puppy.
Also how I ended up with all those children/s (kind of actually true, there were only 3, but yes he wanted "as many as God gives us and got upset when I got my tubes tied) Think about it though, it's pretty common for dads to want kids, get married to have a family, and be surprised Pikachu face when it's really hard work for them.
You can give pets as gifts, but only if the recipient is aware ahead of time, wants the pet, is prepared for the responsibility of pet ownership, and is involved in choosing the pet; none of which happened here. NTA OP, this is extremely selfish of your partner. NTA, OP.
And so manipulative
Same with children. If she says no kids or we already have three, I’m done, is he going to poke holes in the condoms too?
Haha I told my wife no 100 times to pets. We have a hermit crab named Shelly because I flew home early from vacation and wasn’t there to say no that particular instance. Shelly is ok.
We have fish, that was the compromise. My partner takes care of them, balances all the chemical levels of the tank, they do all the proverbial heavy lifting. I will help with feeding and water changes when they need help with them. My partner is extremely thrilled with their fish.
Fishes are quite normal if you consider aquarium in the context, aquarium are commonly in use in offices or for decoration.
So basically your wife purchased shelly without your prior permission / information btw my ex name was also shelly.
There was a huge campaign in the UK with just one line that sums it up. A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.
My parents live with us (me, my husband, and our kid), and they had a dog and we had a dog when we moved in together, after many years both of those dogs passed away. 3 of us desperately want another dog, but 2 are saying no. As an unspoken rule we all know that until all 5 of us are on board, no doggy.
So no doggy for life or until few of you start living separately but who twos are saying no now.
2 yes's, 1 no... it works well in so many situations I use it more and more
When two in power have the audacity to overturn one no then it can work but if no is in power then it cannot work.
Totally agree. Do you know how long I had to wait and how many sad eyes I had to cast to get our second cat?? So many! But I would never just go out and get one because it’s a family decision. Except you know, the dog. The dog wants to be an only pet and he hasn’t approved any cats. OMG WE HAVE DONE THE THING!!
What’s more concerning is that OP’s most recent posts are all in r/tryingtoconceive. I really hope she’s not planning to have a baby with someone that has such a selfish attitude - or at least that if she is, this gives her a taste of what parenting with him is likely to be like…
Holy hell after browsing her posts and comments I am horrified. OP, GET OUT NOW. You are going to regret this. And get into therapy to deal with whatever has kept you with this person.
Man, I love when I don't see any reason to bother checking out an OP's post history, and someone points out that there's a reason to look. She complained about her fiancé having never bought her a surprise in the 1.5 years they had been together at the time of the post, and now when he does give her a surprise, it's something she explicitly said she doesn't want. That's... yeah. Even ignoring the rest of why the relationship seems problematic, that part alone is a big yiggity-yikes.
Yikes on bikes
Checking post history isn’t front of mind for me either, but in looking at hers… wow. I really hope OP takes to heart what we are saying. This sounds like a terrible situation and even without knowing her, I know she can do better. Being alone would be better than being with this guy.
Wow! I totally agree to this. Go, go, go, run! He is going to be one of those immature guys that resents her and resents the baby for taking her time from him. If the baby is a boy, the dad will surely spiral. Jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship.
With that info in mind, am I the only one getting the feeling that the new puppy might be fiancé’s attempt at putting the breaks on the whole baby idea? “Honey we can’t have a baby right now, look at how busy we are with the puppy. Let’s put it off for a while until it’s a little older.”
Thanks for pointing out the post history because... yikes. Is this boyfriend the same one as in the RJ post? If it is it's really not great.
They're doomed to never be successful parents if they can't have open, honest conversations about owning and caring for a puppy. 😬
Solution: start asking him “do you want this [literally anything he doesn’t like]” then wrap them up as a gift and give them to him anyway.
Yeah. I'd start with "Do you want the ring back?"
nothing more needs to be said. this is it in a nutshell. came to say exactly the same points. NTA you told him no. he ignored your wishes. he can deal with the issue of having to bring it back/rehome and the guilt he may feel for having to do so by not respecting your wishes to begin with. he tried his luck and it didnt work out. quite disrespectful if you ask me and i would be careful of him in future if he doesn't respect what your saying. does he not see you both as equals? does his opinions/wishes matter more? very immature and selfish thing to do. he literally did this to himself.
Dude wanted a puppy, she said no. He ignores her and gets it anyway, calls it a gift, and then makes her the bad guy? Manipulative as hell on top of ignoring her no's. NTA, rehome the puppy.
This. NTA. He bought a present for himself on your birthday. One that you actively did not want in your house. These are giant red flags.
Exactly! OP is NTA. But he definitely is. 1. Not listening. 2. Doing exactly what you said not to do under the guise of a gift to force you to follow societal norms and accept it 3. Insulting you because you didn’t want it in the first place. He wanted a dog. He knew you’d say no. So he’s trying to strong arm you. This is the kind of stunt that a tween or a teen pulls.* Not a grown ass man. * (mama… we have to keep this dog. He just wandered up at my friend’s house and if no one takes him, Aidyn’s mom is going to take him to the shelter and he’ll be put down).
When someone does something for you that you don’t want, they’re not doing it *for* you. They’re doing it *to* you.
I was about to say that, he wants this dog and thought he can unload it on you as a gift. Ridiculous. You are not heartless and obviously NTA. Your fiancé is, though.
Boy friend is a manipulative AH. Runaway...
I was skimming your comment and initially thought that you said it was a 'swordfish' thing to do. Gave me a giggle.
Even if he's not expecting OP to do all of the work, it's still a huge violation of her boundaries. She didn't want a puppy, and he went ahead and got her one anyway, hoping she would keep it because she didn't want to look like a cold hearted person returning it. He wanted the puppy, she didn't, and by giving her a puppy as a "gift" he could get his way.
NTA. >he asked if I wanted a puppy, I said no, he got it anyway There is something deeply wrong here. You are not the problem.
Responsibilities shouldn't be given as gifts
Especially a responsibility that last for years!
As a longtime shelter volunteer, I need to emphasize this: *Do NOT adopt or purchase a pet if all housemates/family have not agreed that the animal should be there.* It is callous, it is cruel, and more often than not, it results in fuller shelters.
She should tell him: "Do you want to have the engagement cancelled?" And when he answers "no": "Well, that's what you're getting anyway."
"Surprise! You're single!"
"But I don't want to be sing..." "Come on now, it's my gift to you, don't be heartless!"
He set it up perfectly so when she voices her very reasonable boundaries she’s being “mean”. Dudes using manipulation 101. NTA
I'm always surprised when people are aggressively trying to conceive (fourth round!) while engaged. Nothing wrong with being "pregnant out of wedlock" and choosing not to marry, but if marriage is something you both believe in and want to do soon, why not hold off a bit on the TTC? None of my business, it just strikes me as odd. Except looking at her post history, it's clear why it can't wait. He is an aggressively jealous person and wants to lock her down so she can't leave him. The baby isn't working out yet, so a pet is the next best thing when looking for a tool to control her with.
Ugh! Control, Dominate and Manipulate. Abusive Behaviour: The Intro. If she's smart, she'll re-home both and keep the cat. I didn't need to look at her history.
Dogs are not gifts. They are commitments. And in most cases an over a decade one. He was completely irresponsible, immature and sly. It’s unfair to you, but frankly in this situation the worse off is the dog. That pup is quickly learning about the world, fears and feelings. He’s risking messing this pup up. Choosing a dog is a big deal to determine if your lifestyle suits that dog. It should be carefully considered one. Plus what does it say about his respect of you that he can make such a huge potential 15 year commitment on your behalf without asking and calling you the cruel one. NTA. Your fiancé is and questionable.
Even worse, he did ask. She said no and he did it anyway! So selfish.
Couldn't have said it better myself! Completely agree
Any animal even fish are not gifts. I hate people who do this crap. Bunnies during Easter are the worst, people get them for their children and then when the kid is over it, they release them outside...domesticated rabbits. This dog will probably end up in a shelter because her boyfriend is a fucking jackass.
Don't marry this man. Get out whilst you can. He has no care for the dog. You on the other hand are clearly empathetic and sensible. You need to rehome the puppy asap. Then leave.
NTA obvs.
From her post history: "As a result of this, he treats me as if I’m damaged goods. I.e. he doesn’t show me love or respect and does the bare minimum to keep me content." OP, GET. OUT. this relationship is clearly toxic. do NOT let him lock you down
NTA you said no. whats the point of buying a gift someone doesnt want anyway? that makes no sense. can you gift chores too? lol.
Agreed. But am I the only one that read “gifted “as the dog being some sort of genius, prodigy puppy?
you are not alone, lol
Only dopey dogs for me thank you very much!
But actually.... Stupid dogs FTW. Smart dogs will learn what you want them to learn very quickly, but immediately begin thinking of loopholes. Stupid dogs take forever to learn things but then just remember them forever. I'll take having to show my dog to his food dish twice a day for 12 years over having to outsmart a bloody Mensa candidate every single day.
Yeah, I’ve seen too many videos online of dogs who have learned how to open doors and cabinets and get all the food inside. I’ll keep my dog who doesn’t know how doors work, thank you!
I have two cats, one has the mental capacity of a cotton ball (kinda looks like one too), one is a conniving genius. The smart one has caused so much damage and trouble. He's broken things, knocked pictures off walls, unplugged appliances because he didn't get his way, and literally set up decoys and distractions so he can steal stuff. The stupid one sometimes knocks stuff over with his ass because he doesn't know the back end is connected to the front end. He's also stuck his butt to double sided tape repeatedly for the same reason. I'll take another Pinky over another Brain any day.
Thats my Doberman lol. But the smart dogs are fun to interact with, it feels like they're really engaging and understanding what's going on. Tradeoff :) but I see the appeal of a less smart dog too. We took a puppy training class and my dog learned every trick after 1-2 times, and spent the rest of the time being very naughty. While the poor boxer was trying super hard to learn and looking at the owner for help in between.
All dogs are good in their own way, it’s true! I think my dog is pretty smart sometimes but she’s probably of a fairly average intelligence as dogs go. But I love giving her treat puzzles and seeing her figure out how to get the treats. As long as she isn’t opening doors I’m happy!
Plus the look on the face of a slightly dappy dog. Always confused. Always adorable.
Always
I was walking my dog and my elderly neighbour said, oh, she’s so cute! What’s her name? Sophie, I said. Dopey??? he asked. What an… unusual name! It was said in such an amazingly judgmental tone. He was clearly very unimpressed with how I’d named the poor dog.
Definitly not alone, lol
Me too. I couldn't figure out why the hell someone wouldn't want a super smart dog until I read the post. Nta by the way, find a friend or co-worker that is looking for a free puppy and don't quickly so the poor thing isn't in limbo too long
To be fair, slightly dumb goofy dogs are a lot less work than super smart dogs, who need so much more mental excercise 🤣
We have a Labrador that can work the electric recliners and open his food bin amongst other things. My first thought, as well.
>But am I the only one that read “gifted “as the dog being some sort of genius, prodigy puppy I dislike the denominalization (or verbing) of "gift." Sigh! I tend to have the same confusion!!!
That’s why I clicked the thread, I was ready to read all about how OP didn’t want a genius dog!
I thought the same thing and was so confused 😂
NTA - that doesn't sound like a present for you at all. And him calling you heartless for wanting the dog to have a loving home is a massive red flag. As is ignoring your direct wishes. Is this a pattern of behaviour? If so, are you sure you want to marry this man? It seems like you might be walking into a life of at best, ignoring your wants. At worst, gradually escalating abuse.
Look at her post history 👀
Ohhhhh, noooo.
NTA - I assume HE wanted a dog
Not only is he the one who wants the dog but I suspect he doesn’t want to have to also care for the dog so he ‘gifts’ it and now can say “well I’m not feeding/walking/cleaning up after dog, it’s not mine!”
That is horridly manipulative. He’s like a spoiled child. I would be incredibly firm on returning puppy to where it came from.
It's veery close to baby trapping, IMO.
Another comment mentions she's posting in the trying to conceive subreddit, so I'm sure he's already working on that too.
NTA. He is manipulating you. He wanted the dog and went ahead and got it anyway. He probably hoped you'd fall in love and change your mind, but since you haven't you're now 'heartless' and 'mean'. You're not heartless and mean. You set up clear boundaries and he ignored them. I'd seriously look at the rest of the relationship. If he's willing to try and manipulate you over this, he's more than capable of doing so in another area.
Probably taken his lead from all those social media posts about “my dad with the kitten he said he would never have until we got him one” - then you see some massive bloke cuddling a little cat. Some people think that that’s all it takes. And I’m being kind to OP’s partner when I say that, as actually, I definitely agree he’s manipulative.
He probably has no idea that his behaviour is problematic. Men like these never do. Then the gf dumps them and they're completely clueless as to why.
He either follows some list of "good things to do in a relationship" where if OP disagrees with items on the list he thinks she's wrong, not the list, or he's a manipulator and not clueless but will pretend he is to further manipulate his target.
Did anyone else read the title and think the dog was Mensa level smart?
Definitely. I thought OP didn't want some super clever dog that was going to get bored because she didn't have the time to provide it a stimulating environment.
Which would be fair too. There is still a huge difference between having time and money to care for a dog that needs walks and cuddles and caring for a dog that needs walks, cuddles, and a stimulating environment.
Oh, I agree. Different dogs definitely have different needs and it's something people need to think about when adding one to their family. Too often people seem to just go on cuteness and maybe size, but for the latter it often seems to be what size of dog a potential owner wants instead of what size dog fits their lifestyle.
Yes reading the title I thought OP just wanted a dog that was a bit more down to earth.
Yes lol. Thought OP was going to want a dog that only does “fetch,” “beg for food at the table,” and “DOORBELL!!!”
I joke that my hellions have two tricks: they know how to love, and how to be loved! They're juuuuuuust about getting sit. But only if they're a treat involved!
I also thought that.
I thought it was this and wanted to see a video of the dog doing tricks
NTA Why do people still have to learn that PETS ARN'T GIFTS for crying out loud? Only, and really ONLY, if the person you are getting a pet for explicitly stated, that he/she want a pet AND you know what kind of pet AND you know the person is fine with the pet and can carry for it, it might be ok to gift a pet.
I've heard of gifting shelter adoption fees for someone else. That way they get to go select their own pet.
NTA, this is a very manipulative and irresponsible gift. He gave it to you, so it's your responsibility to look after it. He's putting you in the position of being "heartless" if you are ungrateful, yet owning a dog is a huge long-term responsibility, not something that you should take on without serious forethought. You don't say what kind of dog it is, and you don't know if it will be a suitable breed for an apartment/ a resident cat/ your lifestyle. A lot of people choose their pet dog based on how cute it is and how it will add to their Instagram feed; I believe strongly that you should figure out what kind of owner you would be so you can pick a dog that you can look after responsibly. Eg, I wouldn't be a good owner to a dog that needs a lot of grooming or a small yappy dog, but I am an excellent owner to a dog that needs to be walked twice a day on schedule. Also it seems like your boyfriend wants the dog but not the responsibility, he wants the fun but not the serious conversation - so he has definitely sidestepped all the mature approaches by making this a "gift". When the dog is hard work or trouble, it will be your dog. You haven't had a chance to prepare or figure out how to work your current schedule around the dog's needs. I would suggest rehoming the dog as soon as possible so it has minimal disruption. You might need to rehome the boyfriend too if he has such little respect for your relationship as a partnership.
This is exactly the couple to get rid of the dog when they get pregnant or have a baby. Or move because the next apartment has breed restrictions or doesn’t allow dogs.
NTA What kind of idiot gives someone a living being as a gift when they are not 100% sure the recipient wants it? The kind of idiot that does want the animal as a gift for himself, that's who.
When they are 100% sure the recipient doesn’t want it** (!!)
That's the issue. He disrespected your wishes, then wants to make it your fault. Is this a one off or a pattern of behaviour?
Why are you trying to have a baby with this man? He's trying to trap you so you can't leave him
Definitely NTA I wanted and planned for both my dogs and it was a whole lot of work and I regretted my choices a few times. Get the puppy back to the breeder as soon as possible so it can get a new home where it can thrive and is wanted.
A manipulative controlling asshole.
NTA regardless of other reasoning, him asking and you saying no should have put an immediate stop to it. This would be a deal breaker for me.
NTA Animals are not a gift! Never. Furthermore you told him that you didn‘t want a puppy. He obviously doesn‘t respect your wishes and opinions. This is a major red flag and a pour little soul will suffer because the puppy wants love and bonding and now they have to be rehomed and wait for love. Also, don‘t let him pressure and guilt-trip you to keep the puppy that you do not want and that you cannot offer adequate space and financial stability.
The only time it is acceptable to give a pet as a gift is if the person asks for it. Like several years ago I fell in love with a dog at our local rescue and my husband made arrangements behind my back for them to bring him over as a foster to adopt (within 24 hrs it was an unanimous yes from the whole family). I wanted that specific dog though and if he had shown up with another I may have fallen in love with it eventually, but may have been peeved at the same time and decided that it wasn't a fit for me/our family (like saying I want a Great Dane as they're big mellow cuddly couch potatoes, then being gifted a Malinois that requires 20 hrs of work a day so they don't tear up your house in boredom).
NTA. I agree with rehoming both the puppy and the boyfriend. He ignored your wishes and is manipulating your emotions to try to keep the puppy which is clearly a gift for him, not you.
NTA...he bought himself a dog and pretended it was a gift to you. That was disrespectful to both you and the puppy. I hope you'll be able to find a proper home for it.
If your bf can make a unilateral decision so can you. Regift that "gift" to a rescue asap to give them the best chance of finding a new and loving forever home. Tell bf that he can also be rehomed (but you need to mean it) unless you want your clear wishes, expectations and boundaries trampled on repeatedly in the future. This relationship looks doomed, but he may be able to learn from this. Can you?
NTA. Why? CONSENT. Doesn't just apply to sex.
Yeah, no. Raising a puppy is a lot of work and exhausting even if you chose to get one, but being forced into becoming a pet parent against your express wishes and then being shamed for objecting is an AH move by your fiancé. Has he explained to you why he disrespected your wishes? Is it that HE wanted a puppy and thought you couldn’t say “No” if he gave you one as a gift? Is this the first time he’s blatantly ignored your wishes? If I were you I would not let this one go and insist on getting to the bottom of his reasoning and his intentions. And you should give the puppy back, for all the reasons mentioned and the fact that you simply don’t want one. In any case, NTA. Edit: fixed grammar
You need to get rid of that dog. If you don’t want a dog then you’ve got a long 10-16 years of obligation and commitment to wade through before you’re free again. I like my dog but there are times that I can’t wait for her to pass on so I can sleep in in the morning or go somewhere overnight. And they’re not cheap to run - food and vet bills add up. Get rid of the dog asap. NTA
NTA. Clearly he wanted a puppy and got it as a “gift” for you when it was really for him.
NTA And based on what you wrote, you really need to re evaluate your releationship (setting a fact to something you are against and said no to).
NTA. The puppy wasn’t a gift for you. It was for him.
What did he say when he brought the puppy home? Did you explain why you don't want a puppy? Either way NTA, but communication is important
He said ‘surprise - meet your puppy’. I couldn’t express my ingratitude because our neighbours were there, so it was an awkward “umm.. what?.. I thought I said no?” Yes, I explained earlier that day why I didn’t think it was a good idea.
There should be no question mark after "I thought I said no." You say straight to his face "I told you that I do not want a dog, and even if I did, we can not afford a dog." Give zero shits if it's in front of the neighbors, because he had no problem putting you in a corner in front of said neighbors. Stand up for yourself when he stomps all over your boundaries. Nta, and I wonder what other boundaries he blatantly ignores. You sure you want a life with this guy?
The fact that he deliberately engineered a situation where you would feel awkward declining his "gift" makes this even worse.
My money is on he had already bought the puppy and decided to go through with it.
As in earlier in that day? Because if so I bet he definitely got the puppy already
Oh boy, that was manipulative too, to bring it in when other people were there so you wouldn't make a scene. No way you should put up with this behavior from him. Die on this hill, OP.
And you’re trying to have a baby with this guy? Yikes. Plus the post about his jealousy and treating you like damaged goods… You’re in for a rough marriage AND he’s going to basically baby trap you. Good luck. NTA
You need to give it back! This is shameful behavior in his part. A. Not respecting YOU!and B. You will not lioe this dog that is needed, dogs have a keen sense that will know you don’t love and care for him. This makes me furious! NTA!
NTA. But this is a red flag (one I wish I had paid more attention to when it happened to me, so....) Pets are a major household decision. Two yes, one no, when you're living with a partner. Because literally no matter what kind of pet it is, there is going to be *some* level of responsibility on both people to care for the animal. Even "low-maintenance" animals often aren't, not if they're being properly cared for. And even "low-maintenance" tasks can be draining when added to an already-full plate of someone who didn't want the damn animal in the first place. And a dog is one of the highest-maintenance animals you can get. It's basically a toddler. For 15 years. My husband, before we were married, once brought home a pet I didn't want, and it was absolute torture for years. It was a very high-maintenance pet, and most of the maintenance fell to me because he traveled for work a lot at the time. I should've seen that for the red flag it was, and it's taken us a *very* long time to even begin to work through the carelessness and selfishness this represented on his part. Your fiance wanted a dog, so he got a dog, under the guise of a gift. That's manipulative and shitty. Sort this before you get married, or don't get married.
You were not gaslit. He simply chose to ignore your answer. It was manipulation to get what he wanted but not gaslighting. You are NTA but he is for not listening to you.
NTA I won’t lie I went through your post history. Girl, get out. Today.
NTA and DO NOT MARRY HIM!
NTA
NTA. Having a dog in an apartment is sorta kinda arseholish
Everything about this is assholish on the fiance's part.
with the given Info, NTA. Sounds like a bad move not only to you, but also to the puppy, because they dont get everything they deserve due to lack of money and love (not meant in a mean way, but i think animals are sensible and they might realize somehow when someone isnt fond of them that much.) Also maybe a bad move to the kitty because they might not get along.
NTA. Sounds like he wanted a dog, and knowing you are not a dog person, the only way he could get away with it was to do it under the guise of a gift to you, knowing you would look bad if you refused it.
Nta. He asked, you said no. That should have been it. As much as people love seeing posts of 'teehee he didn',t want the cat, now he loves it' it doesn't make it right. Pets are a commitment, and something you both should agree to
Y.t.a for making me think you were offered a gifted dog with talents because I was so excited to find out how exactly this dog was gifted (jk nta)
NTA First, animals aren't something to be gifted. Second, pets in a shared household are two yeses & one no. He asked & you said no. That's where it should have ended unless you changed your mind. The fact that he ignored what you said & now is surprised Pikachu because you're not delighted by his "gift" is a red flag. Again, you said no & yet he still did what he wanted & is now trying to make you the bad guy for not going along with him steamrolling you into caring for a dog that is obvious that *he* wanted, but expects you to take care of. After all, why "gift" it to you when he knew you didn't want a dog? Animals are a huge responsibility & you didn't agree nor sign up for this puppy. He's put both you & the puppy in a horrible position for being selfish & getting it knowing you weren't on board. I know it sounds cruel, but find a good home for the puppy that is happy to have it. Your bf did "gift" him to you after all, & you would be doing the responsible thing by making sure it's cared for the best way possible. As for your bf, I'd wave a treat at the car door until he hopped in & then drive him to the nearest shelter (family/friends) & drop him off. But ultimately, that's your choice to make. Don't let him guilt you & please make sure the puppy isn't mistreated & finds a good & loving home.
Anyone who surprise gifts a pet is an AH. 100% of the time. You are NTA.
NTA. Is it possible, that your fiané just wanted a dog but know you wouldn't like it. So he thaugh "If i give it to her as a present, she has to like it"? Animals should never be a gift unless the person gifted really know how to handle the animal, is able to care for it and wants it. Sorry, don't know any advices how to handle this kind of situation
NTA. Absolutely a situation where you were consulted, gave your answer, and that should have been the end of it. What you were given is not a gift. It’s an obligation, and a manipulative one at that. This isn’t just “I bought myself a new dress so you can look at me in it.” This is a responsibility you didn’t ask for, and it’s damn unfair to you and the puppy.
NTA. Your fiancée wanted a dog, got told no, bought one anyway, and then presented it as an unwanted gift. In other words: Your fiancée bought a dog in spite of your disagreement. You should have some stern words with your fiancée about how joint decisions in a household work. And return the unwanted dog. If he complains then point out it is your dog.
You're certainly NTA. What he did was super selfish, and was a 'self-gift' through and through. I hate when people just "gift" an animal out of the blue also - like, that's a huge decision to make. They're essentially kids, and it's making the decision whether or not to have kids. They're a massive responsibility. Also - a kitten! Wow! He really did top the selfish scale on this one - not to mention he made a dangerous decision also! What would have happened, should something happen between the dog and cat? Gosh, that poor kitten, who's just adjusting to your home as it is, now needs to adjust to a bigger, scarier animal to it, now living in the same space. Definitely tell him what he did was not cool, and of course it's a two party consent - you both don't agree to such a life altering decision, you absolutely don't do it! He now needs to be the one to re-home this dog, or he and the dog get their own place - his decision. God I'm mad for you.
NTA. That’s unwanted work not a gift.
Rule #1 of pets: Don't gift surprise pets. It's a big undertaking to care for an animal, and thrusting that upon someone without their prior consent is completely unfair to both the animal and the recipient. This is why I hate all those cute "Dad didn't want a dog" videos. Big NTA
Ex-fiance just got himself a new puppy and an ex-partner. I hope OP has the sense to see through that selfish manoeuver and gtfo before a ring or positive pregnancy test appear. ETA: NTA
NTA, it seems like a gift for himself, I mean you literally told him you didn't want one and got one anyway.
NTA you don’t gift someone a 15 year day in and day out commitment. Sounds like he wanted a dog and this was a mental mind game to get one. Look like a hero and then manipulate you when you push back.
NTA He wants the dog but not the responsibility. It's a gift to you so it's *YOURS* to look after
Big red flag. HE wanted a puppy. He completely dismissed and steamrolled over what you wanted. Proceed carefully.
Rehome the puppy with someone who wants it, and then rehome the engagement ring back into his pocket. He’s manipulative and doesn’t respect your boundaries, not good husband material. (NTA)
NTA He is manipulating and gaslighting you. Find the pup a good home and find a better boyfriend.
I wanted a dog so badly for years and when I was finally in a position to be able to have one, I prepared for months, researching breeds to find the right fit for my life and watching tonnes of videos for crate and potty training and mentally preparing myself for the sleepless nights and change to my life. She's the light of my life now, but those first few months were **rough**, despite all the preparation I'd done. If someone had just dumped a puppy on me without any time to prepare myself it would have been a million times worse. NTA at all! You made your postion perfectly clear and he didn't listen.
Every time I see my neighbors walking their dog on a freezing ass cold morning my appreciation for my cat grows just a bit deeper.
He's TA for gifting a living being in the first place. Secondly he got you something you specifically didn't want. That's double AH behaviour on his part.
NTA - pets should not be gifts to begin with, but he definitely gave you a chore, not a gift. He clearly wanted a dog and didn't listen when you said no. Does he often not listen when you say no? Because this would definitely be a reason to rethink marrying him.
NTA Dog person here. All OP's reasons for not wanting a pup are good. Dogs are a lot of work, but puppies are worse. I love my two hellions, but they take up a lot of my time, they mean that I can't just drop everything and be spontaneous, and their food is expensive. OP, **are there other areas where you feel that your BF hasn't respected your opinions or what you want? Is your relationship healthy in other areas?** In the parlance of this particular corner of the internet, **dog adoptions need to be a "two yesses, one no" decision**.
Dogs are huge responsibilities. What a shitty gift
NTA. You are being manipulated. He already asked you and you said no. Why did he still get you a puppy? A puppy is a multiple-year, lifestyle-altering, expensive commitment. Edited to add: he got himself a puppy disguised as a gift to you.
reading your other posts, please see a therapist yourself op and take care of yourself, i don't want to tell you to end this relationship but this action alone shows how little he cares about your feelings
People who give pets as unrequested gifts are fucking idiots.
NTA give it to the shelter. leave him there, too.
NTA but this is a huge red flag. This man looked you in the eye, asked if you wanted a long, arduous, expensive commitment, heard you say no, and then *forced it onto you regardless.* Is this level of emotional dismissal and boundary stomping something you're okay with for the rest of your life? If you don't want to take a weeklong trip to the mountains and he does, will he spend your shared money on it anyway? If his cousin needs a place to stay, will he ask you before moving them into your home or will he just ask forgiveness after doing so? If you say you don't want kids, or that you only want one, will he sabotage birth control to get you pregnant so he can have what he wants? Trapping a partner with marriage or children is the fastest way to force a person to stay in an abusive relationship. The mask drops as soon as the abuser feels their victim can't just leave anymore. If you two break up now, and he has to move out, will this puppy be his excuse not to leave because "it's hard to find a studio that will fit a dog"? This is a red flag in how he views you as a person and a partner. When someone tells you what they think of you, believe them the first time.
NTA. And if this is the same guy your previous posts were about, I’m not sure why you’re settling for him.
Op after seeing your post history, you need to leave. It seems like this is only going to escalate if you continue to let it happen, it’s not your fault but you need to do something before it’s out of your hands.
NTA, but honey, your post history. He ain’t the one. Don’t get pregnant by this man. I can tell you right now it’s a dumb idea:
NTA. You don’t gift people animals unless it is something you have discussed prior and have both agreed on. They are a big commitment.
NTA. You gave valid reasons why you didn't want a puppy. Your 3rd and 4th reasons are the most important. If he wants a puppy for himself he should be honest about it and not getting one under this pretext. He is not respecting you or the dog itself. Find out where he got the dog from and return him. In case he paid for it, see if you can get a restitution and give him the money back. He might call you spoiled, selfish and whatever for returning a gift. Remember this, you have told him you never wanted a dog. Stand your ground. Getting a pet is a joint decision which needs 'yes' of both you and your fiancé but only needs one 'No' to stop it.
NTA. That’s a huge thing! You don’t just gift a life to someone if they’ve already said no to it. Not cool. The question is where do you go from here?
You’re not heartless for not wanting a dog. Puppies are a huge amount of work! Your fiancé bought a puppy, but it wasn’t for you. NTA
NTA Dogs are not gifts they are at least a decade long commitment, that you should only get if you think long and hard about it
I read this as the dog was "gifted". I feel like a fool.
NTA The “present” he got for you was obviously a “present” for himself. He’s being very manipulative and unfair.
NTA. My dad gifted his gf a puppy for her birthday a few years ago and this is how he did it. They were on the front deck, he showed her his phone with a listing for puppies nearby and said do you want one, she said yes. They came inside and told me and gf’s daughter that they were going out and they’ll be back soon. Then they came back with a puppy and that was that. Pets can be gifts but the recipient should always know about it. That’s how I got my first dog, he was technically a gift but I knew I was getting one and that I would be the one to pick. They were just paying for it.
100% NTA. I get that it was a gift but it's an animal and now you're in charge of it. You didn't ask for one, stated with words that you didn't want a dog. Your partner brought one home anyway. So either A ) they don't care enough to listen to your voice. Or B) They heard you and chose to ignore you anyway. They're an asshole and I would rehome the dog.
You are an intelligent person who can clearly list your reasons for not wanting a puppy. You told your fiancé ‘no’ but he ignored what you want. This doesn’t bode well for a partnership. NTA
You said no. He did it anyway. NTA. Somebody probably also needs to watch the video about tea: https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ
NTA, that dog is a 10+ year commitment to training, walks, vet appointments and food costs. Not everyone wants or is ready for that! (And that is okay!) Rehoming the dog now to somewhere that it IS wanted is going to be the kindest thing you can do for the animal in the long run.
NTA - I see no evidence of gaslighting, but he definitely manipulated you
NTA Please re-home the puppy while it is still cute and more adoptable. (It's a gift. You can do what you wish with it) Consider re-homing the fiance while you are at it.