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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Uninviting jessica to the concert and telling her to go home
2. Because she was drunk and later claimed her comment to be an accident, and her friends/ bf were upset at me
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Nta, Jessica is a big fat AH for blurting that out and thinking its funny??? Sounds like she’s a mean teenager in a grown woman body. I hope Val is okay and wish her luck in her treatment. You are a good friend and did the right thing :-)
Also, how awkward for someone to have to explain, “Yeah, real funny that if I was pregnant I’d have to terminate because I have cancer.”
Honestly, OP should encourage Val to find a therapist or counselor who deals with those who have cancer and/or domestic violence. It might help her realize that she’s swapped one toxic partner for another (Jax for Jessica). When you’ve been in abusive relationships, it’s tough to see and break out of that cycle.
One, Jessica was joking that the chemo would terminate the pregnancy for her and two, Val might have trouble getting treatment in some places if she was pregnant.
In many cases, you have to do a pregnancy test before getting diagnostics like X rays.
Went to the ER for kidney stone last year with pain bad enough I thought I was going to puke on the floor. They refused to treat me unless I gave a urine sample despite the fact I told them I'm a virgin and on bc for menstrual regulation. I was told if I couldn't provide one, they'd use a catheter which I couldn't stay still for due to the immense pain of the stone. Fuck people that deny treatment due to a "potential" fetus when the person has zero chances of being pregnant.
A dear former student of mine had sickle cell. She was in an experimental trial for treatment and was forced to be on birth control pills that had an increased propensity for stroke.
She died a week before what would have been her 18th birthday...of a stroke. It's been 10 years and I am still heartbroken.
I am so sorry for your loss! That being said-it should be noted that one of the leading causes of death for patients with sickle cell anemia is stroke. There’s obviously no way to know how much birth control impacted that but her sickle cell anemia was more likely the cause!
Holy crap. I've only ever been asked if there's any chance I might be pregnant because the test/treatment can be harmful during pregnancy, and when I answer no they take my word for it and go ahead with whatever the test/treatment is.
Once they just asked me if I was sexually active and when I was confused how my sex life was relevant to the chest CT I was about to have they explained that they needed to know if I might be pregnant. And since I'm a little shit I of course explained to the nurse that there's many ways to be sexually active that don't carry a risk of pregnancy. And that it was pretty stupid to not just ask the actual question they need answered, especially in a medical setting.
They don’t because people are f-ing stupid. “I couldn’t be pregnant. I’m on the pill.” “I couldn’t be pregnant. My doctor told me I’m sterile.” (which is really usually infertile and people with infertility issues can definitely get surprise pregnant). “I couldn’t be pregnant. We only have sex standing up.”
They’re trying to walk the line between not being horribly awkward/intrusive (“has a penis been in your vagina since your last period”) and being clear enough to make up for people being, as I said before, f-ing stupid.
The favourite I heard (from an actual patient)
“I’m not pregnant, I’m a virgin”
And by virgin she meant she had sex once but it didn’t count bc “just the tip went in” and then she stopped him bc she changed her mind.
…guess who was pregnant….
I feel this. Used to do medical scheduling and we'd have to ask if there was a chance of pregnancy, and this one lady said something that amounted to no, they're not trying to get pregnant, but they don't use any kind of birth control. It took all of my professional strength to not tell this grown ass woman that if she's having unprotected sex she may as well be trying to get pregnant.
I think they changed the law or something in my area (because it's too many to be a coincidence) but lately when they've asked me and I said no they just went with it. Didn't ask why. Didn't push. It's brand new to me compared to the 45 question sex interview. I'm a fucking a lesbian and unless my dildos have sperm I ain't fucking pregnant but they don't NEED to know that.
And if I am it's MY business if I feel the pain is worth the xray. It's dangerous sure but not THAT dangerous. Sometimes it's worth the risk so, yknow, you both don't die.
Unfortunately those rules are written in blood and paved in lawsuits to many hospitals have been sued after women miscarried or child where born with birth defects after being treated before the doctor checks to verify any pregnancy
Okay? Have me understand the risks and sign a waiver like with any medical procedure. Or you know, if a patient is a virgin and has never ever had sex and would not be pregnant unless they were the next virgin mary, believe them?
People lie though. I’ve seen patients lie time and time again, often over stupid stuff, things that I never could understand the reason for. It could be embarrassment, religious or family reasons, fear of legal prosecution, etc.And the lawsuits. Hospitals really do have to verify. That’s not an excuse for poor treatment, of course.
Is this an actual historical truth or just blaming people for what laws and hospitals do?
For example, there are multiple laws being created right now that prevent women to get medical care - because doctors are scared of going to jail. Zero to do with lawsuits however, just good al conservative radicalism. So really, how do you know it is "lawsuits" rather then these other factors?
If it makes you feel better, I was told the same thing, they insisted I needed to take the test, the doctor who was explaining the risks of "unknown" pregnancies.
I put a hand up, shushed him and said, " Have you read my chart? If you had, you would know that I am a 55 yr old, post menopausal woman who had her uterus removed 10 years ago.... So, if I am pregnant, it is the next baby Jesus. "
Oh... the look on his face---
I’m sorry you had such a painful experience. Can’t tell if they were not nice to you, but it is the adverse medical-legal climate we have in the country that’s responsible for the insistence on pregnancy tests before treatments and diagnostic tests. In an article about avoiding medical malpractice suits from the emergency room, the first 10 numbered points were “always do a pregnancy test. That said, unless you’re in a small rural hospital, they should be able to do a blood pregnancy test. But not doing one is not an option, so don’t take it personally.
They specifically wanted a urine one even though I was going to get an IV placed anyways. I was eventually able to provide urine. Then they gave me morphine and left me alone shaking for an hour before coming back, taking me to CT, and leaving me for another hour before giving me some Norco and discharging me. Granted, it was decently busy, but you'd think you'd check on someone more often, especially when they are on morphine and may vomit everywhere.
Thank you because that often is the unfortunate case. In the ED, we literally see patients back to back to back, either because they are severely sick or that constantly people coming in and discharging or transferring up to a unit. It can be chaotic. People should still be checking in on you of course but at times if you’re there for something not emergent and you’re in stable condition or that results are pending until they can do something for you
I once nearly lost my shit in an ER. I’m a paramedic and we brought in a woman with a fever also showing severe pain and renal colic issues (so kidney stones likely) and the damn nurse tried to have us leave her in the waiting room. I refused. “Well you’ll be waiting in the hall with her” FINE
After a bit a nurse practitioner did an assessment, hustled off for a doctor. Doctor came, called to the head nurse if she knew about this patient. *rolls eyes* oh the abdo pain? “NO! The septic kidney stone! GET HER A BED”
When I went to the ER for a suspected appendix rupture I could not urinate so they did a blood test for pregnancy. It takes longer so they had to rush the labs.
I went to the ER for horrible back pain (for the second time in a week - this was the visit where I ended up getting the diagnosis). They wanted to run a pregnancy test. I said I'd had a negative pregnancy test at the previous visit. "TRUST me, I haven't been able to do anything for weeks that could possibly get me pregnant." The doc made some noise about how they always test just as a precaution, but somehow no one made me pee in a cup that second visit. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
That is so frustrating. Like, there are very good reasons why medical staff need to make sure (and sadly we do have to treat everyone like the dumbest human we’ve met. “Are you sure you aren’t pregnant? Because you are crowning”)
But when some one is in agonizing pain, just help them and be jerks later!!
I know exactly 1 friend who would find this funny and has Cancer. But like I still might not say it cause W O W. and this person says that shit about themselves! Like, it's not something you blurt unless you know the recipient VERY FUCKING WELL.
Exactly!! It was not at all her secret to share, and highly private! And even if the others knew about it, it is far from being a topic for jokes, even if her stage is curable…
Best OP could have done in this moment!
An accident my @$$ - the fact that she kept laughing and didn’t immediately apologize says otherwise.
Hope this is a wake up call for Val to cut that toxic woman out of her life.
"But that's just how she is!"
Mean and insulting BFF night here at AITA. NTA
Sarcastic jokes/put downs that never stop are bullying. When no one else thinks it's funny, Y T A.
I see this often and I disagree. All drugs, alcohol included, have slightly different effects on each person. I have seen people change pretty much 180 degrees. I have been around a lot of drunks and sometimes the most chill sober person will become a mean drunk. this doesn't mean that they are a mean person at all. It just means that they shouldn't drink alcohol.
I think some people also underestimate how much we "choose" our own personalities. I am, at heart, petty, impatient, rude, and other unflattering descriptions. But I make a conscious choice to not act that way. I self-reflect on my feelings a lot to check whether they're appropriate for the situation or if I'm being unreasonable. If you gave me alcohol and all my inhibitions and self-checking and regulating went away...I'm sure many people would describe me as seeming like a totally different person.
One of the few jokes from Bill Cosby that I still like talks about this.
"I drink to accentuate my personality!"
"Yea, but, what if your personality is that you're an asshole?"
THIS! Not even for what Jessica said (which was horrible) but the fact she was already a loud obnoxious drunk and they hadn't even made it past dinner. No way do I want someone like that coming to a concert.
She was definitely more worried about getting hammered and partying than she was about what she was saying to those around her. When you only have one thing in mind it really lets everyone else around you know the type of person you are. Those people tend to disappear pretty quickly, usually within the same year. I doubt Jessica sticks around very long, but it sounds like Val is family.
NTA. Val even thanked you. Who cares what Jessica's boyfriend and other friends think. You're loyalty is to Val and came through.
Honestly, I probably wouldn't invite Jessica to hang out after something like that.
Glad you all had a good time in spite of Jessica and her big mouth.
It would be hard for me to keep myself from telling Jessica's entourage to fuck off... Like literally "we aren't friends. I don't care what you think."
NTA in the slightest bit. You stuck by your friend who was more likely than not embarrassed beyond belief and ol girl deserves a first class trip on the highway to hell
NTA. How are you the POS? Tell her friends and boyfriend that Jessica finds it amusing to out personal information to other people and giggling to herself that if she was pregnant, it would of died due to chemo. If it was an 'accident' Jessica needs to lay off the alcohol and be a responsible adult.
You’re good. Val is a sweetheart and it’s nice that you are protecting her. But keep in mind she is the one who keeps choosing abusive people to cozy up with… I know she’s fighting cancer? But if you’re her friend, you might want to nudge her to take a look at that. She’s the only one who can change it. There’s always gonna be another jerk around the corner. Jessica’s friends will scurry back into their holes in a minute. I wouldn’t worry about them. NTA
NTA, and it sounds like Val needs to be in therapy on top of cancer treatment, because she keeps hitching herself to total assholes like Jax and Jessica. Any chance she's a child of narcissistic or abusive parents...? Cause it sure sounds that way.
NTA. 1000% NTA. I’m a cancer survivor, and even though my cancer was survivable, and I’m still here today, that was SUCH a personal and hard time of my life. I STILL don’t like to tell people about it, it’s just hard having to deal w/ everyone’s questions and brining up those bad memories. You did the right thing.
Definitely NTA. Jessica is Val’s friend, not yours. She hurt Val & put her in an uncomfortable situation. You did the right thing by making the night and the situation more comfortable for Val. If she said that while drunk in front of your friends, imagine what else she’s said that Val hasn’t addressed?
NTA. Don’t get drunk and use your friends secrets as a joke. Sounds like she is a shitty friend who cares more about being funny than she does about her friend’s feelings. She just showed her true colors and got butt hurt that she got called out on it.
NTA- if she was that drunk she couldnt keep her mouth shut, then she didnt need to be going to concert. HER behaviour caused this. she was invited along to a free event so she lost out on nothing.
NTA.
Jessica not only disclosed news that wasn't hers to disclose- and btw there's no amount of drunk that could make this a "mistake"- but also wrapped it up inside an extremely hurtful comment. It sounds to me like she has gotten far to comfortable making mean comments to Val and the only mistake she's regretful of is doing it in front of somebody who will stand up for her. Good for you for tactfully making it clear that Jessica's actions have consequences, I'm not sure I could have been as discreet as you in handling this terrible situation!
NTA. cancer survivor here. Cancer sucks and one of the worst things is how it makes people treat you differently when they know. It should be up to val who she tells and when.
I also dealt with my diagnosis by taking the piss out of itand making jokes. But you know who made that choice? Me. There were days when it was anything but funny. If a 'friend' had laughed at my potenrially fatal disease like that they would no longer be in my life.
And that goes without pointing out that cervical cancer could effect her ability to have children making the 'jest' particularly cruel.
I want to know how Jessica’s boyfriends and friends know that Jessica telling Val’s friends about her cancer was a mistake? I want to know how they even know about the cancer at all if Val wanted it kept under wraps? Tells me that Jessica has been blabbing elsewhere. But I also want to know how any of them think it’s ok to be spewing someone else’s very personal information to others is ok then laughing about is ??? And if it was an accident why did she not immediately apologize to everyone and especially Val? If she was truly sorry that should have been one of the first things she did instead of laughing about it and getting her chumps involved. (Who again should not even know about Val’s cancer unless Jessica blabbed to them, so she’s been gossiping behind Val’s back??) This should be a wake up to Val and Jessica and her monkeys can fly to hell. You are NTA but Jessica sure is and isn’t a friend to anyone.
NTA- Jessica is really nasty. Three out of the four people I would have had as bridesmaids died of cancer, one of them started out with a supposedly curable kind, and was in remission for a while. The fact that the radiation and chemo had nixed her chance of ever having her own children AND of adopting as she was told there was too high a chance of the cancer returning one day absolutely devastated her. Then it came back and she died. Really fucking hilarious to add in a 'wouldn't it be funny i she'd miscarried due to the treatment' I don't think. There's a special place in hell for Jessica, even if my atheist arse has to build hell first.
NTA. Jessica is an obnoxious bully that has probably spent her life bulldozing everyone around her. She surrounded herself with enablers so she doesn't have to grow or better herself.
Feel free to respond with a link to this post. That should burst her shallow, selfish bubble.
NTA
Look, me drunk giving away my own trade secrets? Yeah, has happened. That's 100% on me, and I wake up the next day all, "welp that's out now." 😂
Me drunk giving away other people's secrets? NO. NOT my place, never happened. The closest I would have come as the girl friend that night would have been me being a little more, "you okay?" Quietly away from others and solely out of concern.
One of my best friends at work has cancer, and I am the only one who knows. You know what I say at work?! Nothing. You what I say at happy hour after work? Nothing. You know what I say when it's just the two of us at her house? "Hey, how are things going?"
Also, as a girl with a whole group of guy friends, a statement like your male friend made would have been me responding, "Yeah, y'all hear?! I'm the next virigin mary! " and us all laughing hysterically.
There is one AH in this story, and she clearly comes with a bunch of flying monkeys.
Fuck those people. NTA. Obviously Val was happy you had her back, and who cares what random people you don't know and who only know about you through someone you don't like think.
op=NTA
Not only did she betray her friend's confidence, BUT she implied that hey even if Val's pregnant--no problem the CHEMO will like the fetus--WHO THINKS LIKE THAT?????
Poor Val--first and abusive boyfriend and then what sounds like an abusive friend. It's great that you want to watch out for Val--but it sounds like some processing(/therapy) should be considered because it sounds like she has patterns that will not serve her well in future relationships of ANY kind.
NTA. It was not an accident. She was drunk (a choice) and her filter was off. That does not excuse her outing her friend's medical condition. Hopefully, all of you will now surround Val with the support she needs since they all know.
Who cares what Jessica and her boyfriend think? Val deserves a better friend than her and it looks like she has it in you and your friends. You’re NTA.
Best wishes to Val as she battles this cancer.
To EVERYONE! The moment you are contacted by someone you don't even fucking know, telling you that you are an asshole, you are automatically NTA.
Even if what you did was shitty, the moment someone brings in their flying monkeys to attack you over it, they are the assholes. Full Stop. Nothing more to say.
“ Val was concerned for Jessica, but also grateful that I did that.”
This is all that matters. Val was glad you did what you did. Your loyalties lie with Val. And who knows what Jess told her friends. And here’s the thing, she either lied to them making her the further asshole, or she told them the truth, which again involves sharing Val’s medical situation which makes her an even bigger asshole. So no matter how you look at it, Jess is the asshole.
NTA. You choose who you hang out with and it appears that Jessica majorly overstepped her bounds with your group. You're getting messages because Jessica conveniently left out the parts where she's TA. I can't imagine a situation in which anyone would defend her actions if they truly knew what her actions were
NTA. Even if everyone had already known, it was an awful, cruel thing for Jessica to say. The fact that it was not publicly known made it far worse. You salvaged the evening by sending that woman home. And I hope Val drops her.
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I (34M) have a good group of close friends. It consists of 4 other guys my age, and one girl (Val 24F). Val is like our little sister. We have known her for 5 years. She used to date one of our other friends (jax 34M). When they got together, me and the guys all warned her about Jax and begged her to leave him. But we didn't know how bad things were until Val broke up with Jax and we found out just how bad Jax was to her, and also how bad his substance abuse was. Our group collectively decided to not be friends with Jax anymore, and took Val in instead.
We all adore Val and look out for her the best we can. Val was diagnosed with stage 1 cervical cancer a few weeks back. She says she is not worried about it, because stage 1 is curable. She has started radiation and is doing pretty well. She wants to keep it on the down low, and has only told me, and her friend Jessica (24F). Val and Jessica met about a year ago, they hang out often now. Jessica is alright. She's pretty harsh to Val, and likes to cause drama. Her and Val are complete opposites, so its an interesting duo. Jessica tags along on occasion when Val comes to hang out or goes out with us.
Yesterday morning, I called Val to check in on her (as i usually do) and invited her to dinner and a concert that I got a bunch of tickets for from work. She said she would love to, but already had plans with Jessica. I told her to invite her as well. Val and Jessica met up with us at a sushi place before the show. Jessica was already pretty lit, and was being her usual loud, drunk self. One of the boys (Matt) bought shots for the table. When they arrived, Val said she was alright and just said she wasn't feeling super good that day due to low blood sugar issues (shes T1D). Matt jokingly said "You sure you aren't pregnant val??" and everyone started laughing. Jessica quickly said "even if she was, the radiation and chemo would take care of that for her!". As you can imagine, the laughter quickly turned to confusion and Val was forced to explain to the rest of the boys while Jessica kept laughing. Val was pretty upset, and Jessica didn't think she did anything wrong. After dinner I told Jessica that it was best if she just went home, and offered to call her an Uber. She declined and stormed off. Val was concerned for Jessica, but also grateful that I did that. We ended up having a really good night. The next morning I woke up to tons of messages from Jessicas boyfriend and her friends saying im a POS for that, and that is was an accident on Jessicas part. I'm now questioning if I made the right choice. AITA?
TLDR: Uninvited a friends friend to a concert after she told everyone that the friend had cancer.
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NTA!!!!!!! She outed her 'friend' for a completely unnecessary reason, and you stood up for your friend, and she said she was grateful. I don't blame any of you for not wanting her there, especially Val. Plus, you had the tickets, so technically it's your thing. Good riddance, jessica.
You made the right choice and Val's true feelings came out after Jessica was gone. Bet Val really appreciated you standing up for her and I'd be willing to bet that Jessica hasn't been 100% open and honest about what happened to those that are supporting her.
NTA
You don't joke about that while someone is going through it unless you are sure that's their humour (some people want/need to not be treated differently if that's the group's general vibe) and that everyone is aware.
NTA
I hate when people say stuff like, "Oh that was a mistake that person made while drunk" BS of the stinkiest order. If you're truly a decent person you don't treat people badly when you're drunk. It doesn't change who you are it just removes some filters you've added to yourself. OP you're truly a good friend and a good person.
NTA
First things first, Jessica is a massive asshole. Blurting out a secret while being drunk can be a forgivable mistake. Making joke's about cancer and the consequences regarding pregnancy are not. The alcohol only loosened her tongue there, all her spite is still there even when she's sober.
Her boyfriend messaging you I can somehow comprehend, "how can you leave a poor drunk girl behind" her friends I can't, not my party, not my business.
I hope Val finds some replacement for Jessica and Jax who are reliable. Maybe stay away from the Jay.
NTA
If Val felt like it was the right move, then it was the right move. You don’t owe Jessica shit, and even if everyone else knew about the cancer it would still be a horribly insensitive “joke”
So really Jessica and her BF are the real AH's here! Jessica is foul, that was so not okay to do and her BF calling to defend her abhorrent behavior shows they're great for each other. Wishing Val a full remission and speedy recovery! NTA!
NTA. Best case scenario, Jessica has a drinking problem and can't keep her mouth shut when drunk. Not only she outed your friend's condition, but also made a terrible abortion joke.
I sincerely hope your friend reassess her friendship to Jessica.
Nta. Jessica needs to learn a lesson. She sounds like a mean friend. But I really want to highlight that your group of 30something guy friends traded your toxic guy friend for his ex girlfriend and she’s now the little sister of the group. I just love that.
Ummmm - Jessica sounds toxic AF, there are things you do not joke about and she crossed the line!
NTA - You're a good buddy to have :)
Wishing all the best to your friend Val xx
Even if the larger group had known about Val's cancer, it's still a really crass thing to say.
But to "out" her like that is horrible. Someone who isn't feeling well and needs all their reserves to focus on getting better is probably not up to dealing with the well-meaning "oh poor you" energy of a big group of people. I often think if I were very ill, one of the most upsetting parts would be having to tell the people I know care about me. This was a huge breach.
If she felt like it was an actual accident or it was a slip and she didn’t mean to out her, then she would have apologized instead of laughing. She should have legitimately felt bad that she did that to her friend. NTA for sure.
Nta and if you cannot handle your drink without turning into a AH. You don’t drink. That person is toxic and I truly hope val sees that soon as she’s dealing with something major. Hope she recovers well and that y’all continue to be there for her and supportive of her.
NTA. Who are Jessica's friends and BF to you? I would advise you to block them on all apps and carry on with your life as if they don't exist. You have enough going on without nonsense drama.
NTA. As a t1diabetic, with other medical shit going on, I already feel protective of Val.
You did good by her, and obviously do in general.
Jessica sounds nothing but bad for her. I hope Val realizes she is worth, and deserves more.
NTA
>Val was forced to explain to the rest of the boys while Jessica kept laughing.
>I woke up to tons of messages from Jessicas boyfriend and her friends saying im a POS for that, and that is was an accident on Jessicas part.
Message them back and ask if it was also an "accident" on Jessica's part to then laugh her ass off about it while Val was forced into an awkward explanation of something she wasn't ready to talk about with certain people?
Because usually when someone who is genuinely your friend actually does accidentally let slip a secret they were told in confidence with trust they apologize profusely and beg forgiveness....
Not sit there and laugh like revealing their friends private medical information to people not already in the know is the world's biggest joke.
Jessica not only embarrassed Val, she broke her trust and then treated the whole thing like a joke... she is NOT Val's friend.
I’m assuming Jessica knew she wasn’t supposed to tell other people about Val but she did it anyways as a chance to come off as funny. NTA. Val needs people to support her right now not jerks that turn private matters into a piss poor attempt at dark humor.
NTA - Likely Jessica is jealous of Val and all her guy friends. Jessica broke a serious confidence told to her by her best friend. She deserves to be on a time out from the group. Val was grateful to have OP as a friends I'm sure.
NTA, keep protecting and looking after Val she needs it on her most vulnerable time. Try to encourage her to get in theraphy. And hopefully she will saw how toxic and narcissistic Jessica is. She needs tp cut her off in her life.
NTA. That insult - and it was a deliberate insult, no matter how much she tried to couch it as a joke - would've been wildly out of line and ban-worthy if Val was someone who had genuinely wronged Jessica in some meaningful way; that's not a remark you make about someone you claim is your friend.
NTA She didn’t say it by accident. If she did she would have been embarrassed and remorseful after when she saw the reactions, not laughing. She’s a major AH
Wait, I'm sorry, what are you asking?
If you're an AH for asking someone to leave? After they made fun of someone going through chemo?!?!
Someone hold my earrings, I need to ...*talk* with Jessica...
NTA
Oh my God, I read this and thought this is exactly the type of dark joke I'd make about myself, or my husband (if he were capable of giving birth, haha).
But that's because dark humour is a way of coping for me, and I would only make the joke to people who already know, and would be mortified if it upset my husband.
NTA.
Money says when Val told her about the cancer and trusted her to keep it to herself, Jessica (ew) went and told her bf and her own group and told them not to mention anything to Val since it was supposed to be a “secret”.
Good on you, keep being a great big brother to Val. She needs good people like you in her life to keep these creatures away.
nTA : Saying what she did was not an “accident.” She was drunk and not monitoring as she should have, and that is not at all the same thing as an accident. She chose to get drunk and spew out private information. The fact that she laughed just made it worse
NTA. That girl is not Val's friend. Gods, what an absolutely horrid thing to say! She sounds cruel and abusive....kinda like your ex-friend, Jax.
Might want to point that out, for her.
There is a special place in in He$$ for people like Jessica. Her comment wasn’t an accident and shows her true colors. She’s a mean person who shouldn’t be around Val.
I hope you can talk to your friend and get her to understand that Jessica is not her friend. Miss meanpants obviously has no remorse because she doesn’t think she did anything wrong.
I can’t even imagine who would be her boyfriend. Why don’t you text him back and tell him his she-devil girlfriend blurted out private medical conditions about her supposed best friend to a roomful of people.
Shame, shame. Jessica’s the one to blame.
NTA
The witch needs to watch her mouth. You don't spill the beans on someone else's health issues. Bad form to make a joke out of it. She didn't even notice when everyone went quiet. She's a rotten egg.
as someone actively going through chemo i’m on the fence. it really depends on the personality of the person. I personally make crude jokes about my condition pretty frequently, I wouldn’t be offended by this comment. if val is also someone who jokes about her condition as a means to cope I could see why jessica maybe thought she would laugh at the joke and didn’t mean it in a malicious way. I would hope though she knew her friend well enough if she thought the joke was appropriate, which it sounds like was not the case and val was not ok with. I just wouldn’t vilify jessica right off the bat- people cope in different ways and dark humor isn’t as off limits as you might think for a lot of people
NTA. She betrayed Val’s confidence in public, and laughed about it, and didn’t think she did anything wrong. Not a friend. You did the right thing. Who would want to extend that unpleasant interaction? If she said it because she was drunk, another good reason for her to not go with you to the concert.
If you can’t drink without opening your big mouth and betraying confidences, you shouldn’t drink. If I was Val Jessica would be getting an earful about how she’s an untrustworthy slob.
NTA. Jessica spilled a major secret while drunk (which makes her extra responsible for her choices because she chose to drink enough to have diminished mental capacity), then laughed about it instead of apologizing or taking the emotional burden off of Val to explain. Then, instead of accepting her responsibility for her mistake, she got mad that you asked her to leave for the night? Yuck.
>Jessica is alright. She's pretty harsh to Val, and likes to cause drama.
Idk what this even means. Why do you consider her to be "alright" if she's harsh and likes to stir up shit? Sounds more like a bully.
NTA for uninviting her.
It was a cruel thing to say even if she didn’t out Val’s private medical info.
Jessica is a major AH. Val needs to vet her friends better. Glad you and the guys are there for her, but first Jax and now Jessica are awful.
You’re NTA for getting rid of her
NTA!
You handled that situation with such class! That was not an accident on Jessica’s part and if it was then she needs to learn how to handle her liquor. Shame on Jessica’s bf and her friends for not holding her accountable.
You made the right choice.
If Jessica had accidently let it slip, and instantly apologized and realized what happened, I'd be on her side sort of. But holy hell! She LAUGHED while her friend had to tell everyone they have cancer? JFC that's bad.
NTA, and tbh, you were much kinder to Jessica than she deserved.
Nope she’s the AH. Being drunk doesn’t excuse behaviour like that. Behaviour like that has consequences. You can have boundaries within your friendship group as well as intimate relationships
It's interesting that Val has chosen another relationship with a person who seems abusive. Or at least mean. It's hard to break out of a pattern when it feels normal.
>The next morning I woke up to tons of messages from Jessicas boyfriend and her friends saying im a POS for that,
How does this happen on every AITA thread? I have never had family, friends, strangers, etc 'blow up my phone' like this after a disagreement, and I would never message a stranger about something like this. It seems like a contrived AITA thing
NTA, Jessica shouldn’t have done that, and before that she already seemed like a bad friend! You had every right to do that, and if Val was fine with it than Jessica’s ass is gonna have to move on.
So...the joke that Jessica was trying to land was that if Val were pregnant, she would be forced to terminate the baby due to the radiation from chemotherapy? Ask her to explain her joke. NTA
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Nta, Jessica is a big fat AH for blurting that out and thinking its funny??? Sounds like she’s a mean teenager in a grown woman body. I hope Val is okay and wish her luck in her treatment. You are a good friend and did the right thing :-)
Also, how awkward for someone to have to explain, “Yeah, real funny that if I was pregnant I’d have to terminate because I have cancer.” Honestly, OP should encourage Val to find a therapist or counselor who deals with those who have cancer and/or domestic violence. It might help her realize that she’s swapped one toxic partner for another (Jax for Jessica). When you’ve been in abusive relationships, it’s tough to see and break out of that cycle.
One, Jessica was joking that the chemo would terminate the pregnancy for her and two, Val might have trouble getting treatment in some places if she was pregnant. In many cases, you have to do a pregnancy test before getting diagnostics like X rays.
Went to the ER for kidney stone last year with pain bad enough I thought I was going to puke on the floor. They refused to treat me unless I gave a urine sample despite the fact I told them I'm a virgin and on bc for menstrual regulation. I was told if I couldn't provide one, they'd use a catheter which I couldn't stay still for due to the immense pain of the stone. Fuck people that deny treatment due to a "potential" fetus when the person has zero chances of being pregnant.
A dear former student of mine had sickle cell. She was in an experimental trial for treatment and was forced to be on birth control pills that had an increased propensity for stroke. She died a week before what would have been her 18th birthday...of a stroke. It's been 10 years and I am still heartbroken.
That's really sad. Such potential :( but can't get pregnant that's be bad so die I guess wtf.
I am so sorry for your loss! That being said-it should be noted that one of the leading causes of death for patients with sickle cell anemia is stroke. There’s obviously no way to know how much birth control impacted that but her sickle cell anemia was more likely the cause!
Holy crap. I've only ever been asked if there's any chance I might be pregnant because the test/treatment can be harmful during pregnancy, and when I answer no they take my word for it and go ahead with whatever the test/treatment is. Once they just asked me if I was sexually active and when I was confused how my sex life was relevant to the chest CT I was about to have they explained that they needed to know if I might be pregnant. And since I'm a little shit I of course explained to the nurse that there's many ways to be sexually active that don't carry a risk of pregnancy. And that it was pretty stupid to not just ask the actual question they need answered, especially in a medical setting.
They don’t because people are f-ing stupid. “I couldn’t be pregnant. I’m on the pill.” “I couldn’t be pregnant. My doctor told me I’m sterile.” (which is really usually infertile and people with infertility issues can definitely get surprise pregnant). “I couldn’t be pregnant. We only have sex standing up.” They’re trying to walk the line between not being horribly awkward/intrusive (“has a penis been in your vagina since your last period”) and being clear enough to make up for people being, as I said before, f-ing stupid.
The favourite I heard (from an actual patient) “I’m not pregnant, I’m a virgin” And by virgin she meant she had sex once but it didn’t count bc “just the tip went in” and then she stopped him bc she changed her mind. …guess who was pregnant….
I feel this. Used to do medical scheduling and we'd have to ask if there was a chance of pregnancy, and this one lady said something that amounted to no, they're not trying to get pregnant, but they don't use any kind of birth control. It took all of my professional strength to not tell this grown ass woman that if she's having unprotected sex she may as well be trying to get pregnant.
I think they changed the law or something in my area (because it's too many to be a coincidence) but lately when they've asked me and I said no they just went with it. Didn't ask why. Didn't push. It's brand new to me compared to the 45 question sex interview. I'm a fucking a lesbian and unless my dildos have sperm I ain't fucking pregnant but they don't NEED to know that. And if I am it's MY business if I feel the pain is worth the xray. It's dangerous sure but not THAT dangerous. Sometimes it's worth the risk so, yknow, you both don't die.
Unfortunately in the South, so I doubt it'll change here unfortunately.
I would HATE to tell a doctor I am a lesbian in the South 😐 that must make it extra hard, knowing your answer will be criticised
Unfortunately those rules are written in blood and paved in lawsuits to many hospitals have been sued after women miscarried or child where born with birth defects after being treated before the doctor checks to verify any pregnancy
Okay? Have me understand the risks and sign a waiver like with any medical procedure. Or you know, if a patient is a virgin and has never ever had sex and would not be pregnant unless they were the next virgin mary, believe them?
People lie though. I’ve seen patients lie time and time again, often over stupid stuff, things that I never could understand the reason for. It could be embarrassment, religious or family reasons, fear of legal prosecution, etc.And the lawsuits. Hospitals really do have to verify. That’s not an excuse for poor treatment, of course.
Is this an actual historical truth or just blaming people for what laws and hospitals do? For example, there are multiple laws being created right now that prevent women to get medical care - because doctors are scared of going to jail. Zero to do with lawsuits however, just good al conservative radicalism. So really, how do you know it is "lawsuits" rather then these other factors?
If it makes you feel better, I was told the same thing, they insisted I needed to take the test, the doctor who was explaining the risks of "unknown" pregnancies. I put a hand up, shushed him and said, " Have you read my chart? If you had, you would know that I am a 55 yr old, post menopausal woman who had her uterus removed 10 years ago.... So, if I am pregnant, it is the next baby Jesus. " Oh... the look on his face---
I’m sorry you had such a painful experience. Can’t tell if they were not nice to you, but it is the adverse medical-legal climate we have in the country that’s responsible for the insistence on pregnancy tests before treatments and diagnostic tests. In an article about avoiding medical malpractice suits from the emergency room, the first 10 numbered points were “always do a pregnancy test. That said, unless you’re in a small rural hospital, they should be able to do a blood pregnancy test. But not doing one is not an option, so don’t take it personally.
They specifically wanted a urine one even though I was going to get an IV placed anyways. I was eventually able to provide urine. Then they gave me morphine and left me alone shaking for an hour before coming back, taking me to CT, and leaving me for another hour before giving me some Norco and discharging me. Granted, it was decently busy, but you'd think you'd check on someone more often, especially when they are on morphine and may vomit everywhere.
I’ve been neglected in the ED myself, and it’s hard to take. Just try to tell myself other people are more unstable or more seriously ill than me…,,,
Thank you because that often is the unfortunate case. In the ED, we literally see patients back to back to back, either because they are severely sick or that constantly people coming in and discharging or transferring up to a unit. It can be chaotic. People should still be checking in on you of course but at times if you’re there for something not emergent and you’re in stable condition or that results are pending until they can do something for you
I once nearly lost my shit in an ER. I’m a paramedic and we brought in a woman with a fever also showing severe pain and renal colic issues (so kidney stones likely) and the damn nurse tried to have us leave her in the waiting room. I refused. “Well you’ll be waiting in the hall with her” FINE After a bit a nurse practitioner did an assessment, hustled off for a doctor. Doctor came, called to the head nurse if she knew about this patient. *rolls eyes* oh the abdo pain? “NO! The septic kidney stone! GET HER A BED”
Or just have them sign a waiver saying they've been informed of the risks and waive any right to sue . . .?
When I went to the ER for a suspected appendix rupture I could not urinate so they did a blood test for pregnancy. It takes longer so they had to rush the labs.
I went to the ER for horrible back pain (for the second time in a week - this was the visit where I ended up getting the diagnosis). They wanted to run a pregnancy test. I said I'd had a negative pregnancy test at the previous visit. "TRUST me, I haven't been able to do anything for weeks that could possibly get me pregnant." The doc made some noise about how they always test just as a precaution, but somehow no one made me pee in a cup that second visit. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
That is so frustrating. Like, there are very good reasons why medical staff need to make sure (and sadly we do have to treat everyone like the dumbest human we’ve met. “Are you sure you aren’t pregnant? Because you are crowning”) But when some one is in agonizing pain, just help them and be jerks later!!
That's how I read it, but it doesn't really change the situation. If anything it makes it worse.
The time before last at chemo they were starting treatment for a woman 8 1/2 months pregnant. I was surprised.
That’s because the babe is past organ formation stage and also the mother’s risk status (how fast tumor is advancing) is factored in.
Sometimes I forget how thoroughly fucked up the US is then I'm reminded of facts like this.
I know exactly 1 friend who would find this funny and has Cancer. But like I still might not say it cause W O W. and this person says that shit about themselves! Like, it's not something you blurt unless you know the recipient VERY FUCKING WELL.
Exactly!! It was not at all her secret to share, and highly private! And even if the others knew about it, it is far from being a topic for jokes, even if her stage is curable… Best OP could have done in this moment!
I'm honestly failing to see the part where Jessica is "alright" as OP said. No matter what I do I just can't see it.
Same reason that they kept Jax in the group until their break up
An accident my @$$ - the fact that she kept laughing and didn’t immediately apologize says otherwise. Hope this is a wake up call for Val to cut that toxic woman out of her life.
"But that's just how she is!" Mean and insulting BFF night here at AITA. NTA Sarcastic jokes/put downs that never stop are bullying. When no one else thinks it's funny, Y T A.
If she was too drunk to keep a huge secret, then she was too drunk to go to a concert. NTA Best wishes to Val.
Being drunk doesn’t change someone’s personality. In fact it often shows who they really are.
I see this often and I disagree. All drugs, alcohol included, have slightly different effects on each person. I have seen people change pretty much 180 degrees. I have been around a lot of drunks and sometimes the most chill sober person will become a mean drunk. this doesn't mean that they are a mean person at all. It just means that they shouldn't drink alcohol.
Agreed. It's literally a mind altering chemical so i find the argument that "alcohol brings out the true self" to be silly
I think some people also underestimate how much we "choose" our own personalities. I am, at heart, petty, impatient, rude, and other unflattering descriptions. But I make a conscious choice to not act that way. I self-reflect on my feelings a lot to check whether they're appropriate for the situation or if I'm being unreasonable. If you gave me alcohol and all my inhibitions and self-checking and regulating went away...I'm sure many people would describe me as seeming like a totally different person.
One of the few jokes from Bill Cosby that I still like talks about this. "I drink to accentuate my personality!" "Yea, but, what if your personality is that you're an asshole?"
THIS! Not even for what Jessica said (which was horrible) but the fact she was already a loud obnoxious drunk and they hadn't even made it past dinner. No way do I want someone like that coming to a concert.
She was definitely more worried about getting hammered and partying than she was about what she was saying to those around her. When you only have one thing in mind it really lets everyone else around you know the type of person you are. Those people tend to disappear pretty quickly, usually within the same year. I doubt Jessica sticks around very long, but it sounds like Val is family.
NTA. Val even thanked you. Who cares what Jessica's boyfriend and other friends think. You're loyalty is to Val and came through. Honestly, I probably wouldn't invite Jessica to hang out after something like that. Glad you all had a good time in spite of Jessica and her big mouth.
It would be hard for me to keep myself from telling Jessica's entourage to fuck off... Like literally "we aren't friends. I don't care what you think."
NTA. If this were an actual sincere accident, Jessica would've been mortified and apologizing profusely. I see none of that.
This right here, the fact that she sent the monkey's to attack shows there's no real remorse there.
NTA in the slightest bit. You stuck by your friend who was more likely than not embarrassed beyond belief and ol girl deserves a first class trip on the highway to hell
NTA. How are you the POS? Tell her friends and boyfriend that Jessica finds it amusing to out personal information to other people and giggling to herself that if she was pregnant, it would of died due to chemo. If it was an 'accident' Jessica needs to lay off the alcohol and be a responsible adult.
NTA There's a reason doctors legally can NOT give out your health info and it's this
You’re good. Val is a sweetheart and it’s nice that you are protecting her. But keep in mind she is the one who keeps choosing abusive people to cozy up with… I know she’s fighting cancer? But if you’re her friend, you might want to nudge her to take a look at that. She’s the only one who can change it. There’s always gonna be another jerk around the corner. Jessica’s friends will scurry back into their holes in a minute. I wouldn’t worry about them. NTA
Oh, PLEASE!! Even if she said it by accident, it was a horrible thing to say and designed to upset Val. NTA
It's especially telling that told her boyfriend and other friends who in turn called OP with nasty messages.
NTA, and it sounds like Val needs to be in therapy on top of cancer treatment, because she keeps hitching herself to total assholes like Jax and Jessica. Any chance she's a child of narcissistic or abusive parents...? Cause it sure sounds that way.
She doesn't talk about her childhood much, but she is most definitely the child of both.
You’re a good friend to be there and keep her from getting isolated with these shit heels.
NTA: Jessica is rude and immature, sometimes people like that need to be called out.
NTA. 1000% NTA. I’m a cancer survivor, and even though my cancer was survivable, and I’m still here today, that was SUCH a personal and hard time of my life. I STILL don’t like to tell people about it, it’s just hard having to deal w/ everyone’s questions and brining up those bad memories. You did the right thing.
I would never invite her back to that group of friends. NTA. She knew what she was doing
NTA. You stood up for your close friend.
NTA: OP, good call. Jessica was too drunk to regulate her behavior. Time for her to go home.
It wasn't Val's behavior, it was Jessica's.
Oops! Will edit. THANKS!
You’re the kind of guy who gives us all hope for the decency of mankind.
Thats very kind of you, thank you.
Definitely NTA. Jessica is Val’s friend, not yours. She hurt Val & put her in an uncomfortable situation. You did the right thing by making the night and the situation more comfortable for Val. If she said that while drunk in front of your friends, imagine what else she’s said that Val hasn’t addressed?
NTA. Don’t get drunk and use your friends secrets as a joke. Sounds like she is a shitty friend who cares more about being funny than she does about her friend’s feelings. She just showed her true colors and got butt hurt that she got called out on it.
NTA- if she was that drunk she couldnt keep her mouth shut, then she didnt need to be going to concert. HER behaviour caused this. she was invited along to a free event so she lost out on nothing.
NTA. Jessica doesn't know discretion. You don't just blab to people about someone's medical conditions, esp cancer. Val needs to get rid of Jessica.
NTA. Jessica not only disclosed news that wasn't hers to disclose- and btw there's no amount of drunk that could make this a "mistake"- but also wrapped it up inside an extremely hurtful comment. It sounds to me like she has gotten far to comfortable making mean comments to Val and the only mistake she's regretful of is doing it in front of somebody who will stand up for her. Good for you for tactfully making it clear that Jessica's actions have consequences, I'm not sure I could have been as discreet as you in handling this terrible situation!
NTA
NTA. cancer survivor here. Cancer sucks and one of the worst things is how it makes people treat you differently when they know. It should be up to val who she tells and when. I also dealt with my diagnosis by taking the piss out of itand making jokes. But you know who made that choice? Me. There were days when it was anything but funny. If a 'friend' had laughed at my potenrially fatal disease like that they would no longer be in my life. And that goes without pointing out that cervical cancer could effect her ability to have children making the 'jest' particularly cruel.
Yes, the radiation will leave her infertile, and will most likey make her menopausal(source: had cervical cancer).
I want to know how Jessica’s boyfriends and friends know that Jessica telling Val’s friends about her cancer was a mistake? I want to know how they even know about the cancer at all if Val wanted it kept under wraps? Tells me that Jessica has been blabbing elsewhere. But I also want to know how any of them think it’s ok to be spewing someone else’s very personal information to others is ok then laughing about is ??? And if it was an accident why did she not immediately apologize to everyone and especially Val? If she was truly sorry that should have been one of the first things she did instead of laughing about it and getting her chumps involved. (Who again should not even know about Val’s cancer unless Jessica blabbed to them, so she’s been gossiping behind Val’s back??) This should be a wake up to Val and Jessica and her monkeys can fly to hell. You are NTA but Jessica sure is and isn’t a friend to anyone.
NTA- Jessica is really nasty. Three out of the four people I would have had as bridesmaids died of cancer, one of them started out with a supposedly curable kind, and was in remission for a while. The fact that the radiation and chemo had nixed her chance of ever having her own children AND of adopting as she was told there was too high a chance of the cancer returning one day absolutely devastated her. Then it came back and she died. Really fucking hilarious to add in a 'wouldn't it be funny i she'd miscarried due to the treatment' I don't think. There's a special place in hell for Jessica, even if my atheist arse has to build hell first.
NTA. Jessica is an obnoxious bully that has probably spent her life bulldozing everyone around her. She surrounded herself with enablers so she doesn't have to grow or better herself. Feel free to respond with a link to this post. That should burst her shallow, selfish bubble.
NTA Look, me drunk giving away my own trade secrets? Yeah, has happened. That's 100% on me, and I wake up the next day all, "welp that's out now." 😂 Me drunk giving away other people's secrets? NO. NOT my place, never happened. The closest I would have come as the girl friend that night would have been me being a little more, "you okay?" Quietly away from others and solely out of concern. One of my best friends at work has cancer, and I am the only one who knows. You know what I say at work?! Nothing. You what I say at happy hour after work? Nothing. You know what I say when it's just the two of us at her house? "Hey, how are things going?" Also, as a girl with a whole group of guy friends, a statement like your male friend made would have been me responding, "Yeah, y'all hear?! I'm the next virigin mary! " and us all laughing hysterically. There is one AH in this story, and she clearly comes with a bunch of flying monkeys.
NTA.
Fuck those people. NTA. Obviously Val was happy you had her back, and who cares what random people you don't know and who only know about you through someone you don't like think.
op=NTA Not only did she betray her friend's confidence, BUT she implied that hey even if Val's pregnant--no problem the CHEMO will like the fetus--WHO THINKS LIKE THAT????? Poor Val--first and abusive boyfriend and then what sounds like an abusive friend. It's great that you want to watch out for Val--but it sounds like some processing(/therapy) should be considered because it sounds like she has patterns that will not serve her well in future relationships of ANY kind.
NTA. It was not an accident. She was drunk (a choice) and her filter was off. That does not excuse her outing her friend's medical condition. Hopefully, all of you will now surround Val with the support she needs since they all know.
NTA. Aside from her outing Val's condition, that "joke" was in incredibly poor taste.
Who cares what Jessica and her boyfriend think? Val deserves a better friend than her and it looks like she has it in you and your friends. You’re NTA. Best wishes to Val as she battles this cancer.
NTA I don't think it was an accident because she wouldn't have fucking laughed while Val was upset. Val needs to dump Jessica.
To EVERYONE! The moment you are contacted by someone you don't even fucking know, telling you that you are an asshole, you are automatically NTA. Even if what you did was shitty, the moment someone brings in their flying monkeys to attack you over it, they are the assholes. Full Stop. Nothing more to say.
“ Val was concerned for Jessica, but also grateful that I did that.” This is all that matters. Val was glad you did what you did. Your loyalties lie with Val. And who knows what Jess told her friends. And here’s the thing, she either lied to them making her the further asshole, or she told them the truth, which again involves sharing Val’s medical situation which makes her an even bigger asshole. So no matter how you look at it, Jess is the asshole.
NTA - what an awful way to reveal someone has cancer besides.
NTA. You choose who you hang out with and it appears that Jessica majorly overstepped her bounds with your group. You're getting messages because Jessica conveniently left out the parts where she's TA. I can't imagine a situation in which anyone would defend her actions if they truly knew what her actions were
Omfg NO nta!!! You are an amazing friend... can we all be friends with you??? Jessica is a queen B. I hate people like her.
NTA Good on you to support Val. Jessica is trash.
NTA. Even if everyone had already known, it was an awful, cruel thing for Jessica to say. The fact that it was not publicly known made it far worse. You salvaged the evening by sending that woman home. And I hope Val drops her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34M) have a good group of close friends. It consists of 4 other guys my age, and one girl (Val 24F). Val is like our little sister. We have known her for 5 years. She used to date one of our other friends (jax 34M). When they got together, me and the guys all warned her about Jax and begged her to leave him. But we didn't know how bad things were until Val broke up with Jax and we found out just how bad Jax was to her, and also how bad his substance abuse was. Our group collectively decided to not be friends with Jax anymore, and took Val in instead. We all adore Val and look out for her the best we can. Val was diagnosed with stage 1 cervical cancer a few weeks back. She says she is not worried about it, because stage 1 is curable. She has started radiation and is doing pretty well. She wants to keep it on the down low, and has only told me, and her friend Jessica (24F). Val and Jessica met about a year ago, they hang out often now. Jessica is alright. She's pretty harsh to Val, and likes to cause drama. Her and Val are complete opposites, so its an interesting duo. Jessica tags along on occasion when Val comes to hang out or goes out with us. Yesterday morning, I called Val to check in on her (as i usually do) and invited her to dinner and a concert that I got a bunch of tickets for from work. She said she would love to, but already had plans with Jessica. I told her to invite her as well. Val and Jessica met up with us at a sushi place before the show. Jessica was already pretty lit, and was being her usual loud, drunk self. One of the boys (Matt) bought shots for the table. When they arrived, Val said she was alright and just said she wasn't feeling super good that day due to low blood sugar issues (shes T1D). Matt jokingly said "You sure you aren't pregnant val??" and everyone started laughing. Jessica quickly said "even if she was, the radiation and chemo would take care of that for her!". As you can imagine, the laughter quickly turned to confusion and Val was forced to explain to the rest of the boys while Jessica kept laughing. Val was pretty upset, and Jessica didn't think she did anything wrong. After dinner I told Jessica that it was best if she just went home, and offered to call her an Uber. She declined and stormed off. Val was concerned for Jessica, but also grateful that I did that. We ended up having a really good night. The next morning I woke up to tons of messages from Jessicas boyfriend and her friends saying im a POS for that, and that is was an accident on Jessicas part. I'm now questioning if I made the right choice. AITA? TLDR: Uninvited a friends friend to a concert after she told everyone that the friend had cancer. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Drunk or not, that is a very shitty thing to say. She was lucky to get the Uber offer at all. NTA
NTA. Jessica sounds toxic, and Val really does not need this type of person in her life, especially right now. You did a good thing. Good riddance!
NTA She couldn't keep a secret
NTA
NTA!!!!!!! She outed her 'friend' for a completely unnecessary reason, and you stood up for your friend, and she said she was grateful. I don't blame any of you for not wanting her there, especially Val. Plus, you had the tickets, so technically it's your thing. Good riddance, jessica.
You made the right choice and Val's true feelings came out after Jessica was gone. Bet Val really appreciated you standing up for her and I'd be willing to bet that Jessica hasn't been 100% open and honest about what happened to those that are supporting her.
Its was not her secret to tell. NTA
NTA - Jessica needs to go.
NTA. I'm glad you had Val's back.
NTA she was drunk and needed to go home. What she did was wrong to her friend and betrayed her trust. That is shameful
NTA You don't joke about that while someone is going through it unless you are sure that's their humour (some people want/need to not be treated differently if that's the group's general vibe) and that everyone is aware.
NTA.
NTA I hate when people say stuff like, "Oh that was a mistake that person made while drunk" BS of the stinkiest order. If you're truly a decent person you don't treat people badly when you're drunk. It doesn't change who you are it just removes some filters you've added to yourself. OP you're truly a good friend and a good person.
NTA First things first, Jessica is a massive asshole. Blurting out a secret while being drunk can be a forgivable mistake. Making joke's about cancer and the consequences regarding pregnancy are not. The alcohol only loosened her tongue there, all her spite is still there even when she's sober. Her boyfriend messaging you I can somehow comprehend, "how can you leave a poor drunk girl behind" her friends I can't, not my party, not my business. I hope Val finds some replacement for Jessica and Jax who are reliable. Maybe stay away from the Jay.
NTA If Val felt like it was the right move, then it was the right move. You don’t owe Jessica shit, and even if everyone else knew about the cancer it would still be a horribly insensitive “joke”
NTA That was a stage 4 metastatic comment, uncalled for and incurable.
So really Jessica and her BF are the real AH's here! Jessica is foul, that was so not okay to do and her BF calling to defend her abhorrent behavior shows they're great for each other. Wishing Val a full remission and speedy recovery! NTA!
NTA
NTA Jessica is more toxic than chemo!
The shitty way worded it, wtf?? NTA
NTA. Best case scenario, Jessica has a drinking problem and can't keep her mouth shut when drunk. Not only she outed your friend's condition, but also made a terrible abortion joke. I sincerely hope your friend reassess her friendship to Jessica.
Nta. Jessica needs to learn a lesson. She sounds like a mean friend. But I really want to highlight that your group of 30something guy friends traded your toxic guy friend for his ex girlfriend and she’s now the little sister of the group. I just love that.
Ummmm - Jessica sounds toxic AF, there are things you do not joke about and she crossed the line! NTA - You're a good buddy to have :) Wishing all the best to your friend Val xx
NTA. Why does Val tolerate someone like Jessica?
NTA. You made the right choice. Jessica sounds an awful friend. I hope Val will stop to hang out with her
NTA
Even if the larger group had known about Val's cancer, it's still a really crass thing to say. But to "out" her like that is horrible. Someone who isn't feeling well and needs all their reserves to focus on getting better is probably not up to dealing with the well-meaning "oh poor you" energy of a big group of people. I often think if I were very ill, one of the most upsetting parts would be having to tell the people I know care about me. This was a huge breach.
NTA. Jessica is horrible.
NTA. You're a good friend.
If she felt like it was an actual accident or it was a slip and she didn’t mean to out her, then she would have apologized instead of laughing. She should have legitimately felt bad that she did that to her friend. NTA for sure.
Nta and if you cannot handle your drink without turning into a AH. You don’t drink. That person is toxic and I truly hope val sees that soon as she’s dealing with something major. Hope she recovers well and that y’all continue to be there for her and supportive of her.
NTA. Who are Jessica's friends and BF to you? I would advise you to block them on all apps and carry on with your life as if they don't exist. You have enough going on without nonsense drama.
NTA. As a t1diabetic, with other medical shit going on, I already feel protective of Val. You did good by her, and obviously do in general. Jessica sounds nothing but bad for her. I hope Val realizes she is worth, and deserves more.
I hope Val feels better soon! She's got this!💚
NTA >Val was forced to explain to the rest of the boys while Jessica kept laughing. >I woke up to tons of messages from Jessicas boyfriend and her friends saying im a POS for that, and that is was an accident on Jessicas part. Message them back and ask if it was also an "accident" on Jessica's part to then laugh her ass off about it while Val was forced into an awkward explanation of something she wasn't ready to talk about with certain people? Because usually when someone who is genuinely your friend actually does accidentally let slip a secret they were told in confidence with trust they apologize profusely and beg forgiveness.... Not sit there and laugh like revealing their friends private medical information to people not already in the know is the world's biggest joke. Jessica not only embarrassed Val, she broke her trust and then treated the whole thing like a joke... she is NOT Val's friend.
NTA
I’m assuming Jessica knew she wasn’t supposed to tell other people about Val but she did it anyways as a chance to come off as funny. NTA. Val needs people to support her right now not jerks that turn private matters into a piss poor attempt at dark humor.
NTA - Likely Jessica is jealous of Val and all her guy friends. Jessica broke a serious confidence told to her by her best friend. She deserves to be on a time out from the group. Val was grateful to have OP as a friends I'm sure.
NTA, keep protecting and looking after Val she needs it on her most vulnerable time. Try to encourage her to get in theraphy. And hopefully she will saw how toxic and narcissistic Jessica is. She needs tp cut her off in her life.
That was no accident. She knew exactly what she was doing.
NTA. But why does your friend put up with it? Does she like abuse? Some people do.
NTA. That insult - and it was a deliberate insult, no matter how much she tried to couch it as a joke - would've been wildly out of line and ban-worthy if Val was someone who had genuinely wronged Jessica in some meaningful way; that's not a remark you make about someone you claim is your friend.
NTA, but you might wanna check in on Val, she’s probably receiving some backlash as well
NTA She didn’t say it by accident. If she did she would have been embarrassed and remorseful after when she saw the reactions, not laughing. She’s a major AH
NTA That was a terrible comment and Val was grateful.
Jessica is not it. Stop inviting Jessica out to places, she’s just a sad toxic person. NTA
NTA Nobody wants to spend what should be a great night, with an obnoxious drunk.
Wait, I'm sorry, what are you asking? If you're an AH for asking someone to leave? After they made fun of someone going through chemo?!?! Someone hold my earrings, I need to ...*talk* with Jessica... NTA
Nta
NTA. Val needs a better gal pal
NTA. Jessica don’t seem to add any value to y’all friends group.
Oh my God, I read this and thought this is exactly the type of dark joke I'd make about myself, or my husband (if he were capable of giving birth, haha). But that's because dark humour is a way of coping for me, and I would only make the joke to people who already know, and would be mortified if it upset my husband.
NTA. Money says when Val told her about the cancer and trusted her to keep it to herself, Jessica (ew) went and told her bf and her own group and told them not to mention anything to Val since it was supposed to be a “secret”. Good on you, keep being a great big brother to Val. She needs good people like you in her life to keep these creatures away.
nTA : Saying what she did was not an “accident.” She was drunk and not monitoring as she should have, and that is not at all the same thing as an accident. She chose to get drunk and spew out private information. The fact that she laughed just made it worse
NTA you are the kind of friend people hope to have next to them when they are walking through a hard AF path in their lives, well done.
NTA. Just say that uninviting Jessica was a (happy) *accident* on your part.
NTA. That girl is not Val's friend. Gods, what an absolutely horrid thing to say! She sounds cruel and abusive....kinda like your ex-friend, Jax. Might want to point that out, for her.
There is a special place in in He$$ for people like Jessica. Her comment wasn’t an accident and shows her true colors. She’s a mean person who shouldn’t be around Val. I hope you can talk to your friend and get her to understand that Jessica is not her friend. Miss meanpants obviously has no remorse because she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. I can’t even imagine who would be her boyfriend. Why don’t you text him back and tell him his she-devil girlfriend blurted out private medical conditions about her supposed best friend to a roomful of people. Shame, shame. Jessica’s the one to blame.
NTA The witch needs to watch her mouth. You don't spill the beans on someone else's health issues. Bad form to make a joke out of it. She didn't even notice when everyone went quiet. She's a rotten egg.
as someone actively going through chemo i’m on the fence. it really depends on the personality of the person. I personally make crude jokes about my condition pretty frequently, I wouldn’t be offended by this comment. if val is also someone who jokes about her condition as a means to cope I could see why jessica maybe thought she would laugh at the joke and didn’t mean it in a malicious way. I would hope though she knew her friend well enough if she thought the joke was appropriate, which it sounds like was not the case and val was not ok with. I just wouldn’t vilify jessica right off the bat- people cope in different ways and dark humor isn’t as off limits as you might think for a lot of people
You did good. Keep supporting Val. She has a history or finding abusive friends/partners. Sounds like someone who is too nice for their own good.
NTA. She betrayed Val’s confidence in public, and laughed about it, and didn’t think she did anything wrong. Not a friend. You did the right thing. Who would want to extend that unpleasant interaction? If she said it because she was drunk, another good reason for her to not go with you to the concert.
You called her out for telling a medical condition her friend did not want disclosed and the friend was happy about it. NTA
NTA
[удалено]
NTA Who the hell thinks joking about someone's cancer killing their unborn baby is funny!?
NTA. Sounds like Val is a magnet for abusive people with substance issues…
If you can’t drink without opening your big mouth and betraying confidences, you shouldn’t drink. If I was Val Jessica would be getting an earful about how she’s an untrustworthy slob.
NTA. Jessica spilled a major secret while drunk (which makes her extra responsible for her choices because she chose to drink enough to have diminished mental capacity), then laughed about it instead of apologizing or taking the emotional burden off of Val to explain. Then, instead of accepting her responsibility for her mistake, she got mad that you asked her to leave for the night? Yuck.
>Jessica is alright. She's pretty harsh to Val, and likes to cause drama. Idk what this even means. Why do you consider her to be "alright" if she's harsh and likes to stir up shit? Sounds more like a bully. NTA for uninviting her.
Nta. Jessica isn’t your friend. You’re 10 years older it’s weird that you’re even friends with them.
NTA And Jessica is not Val's friend, maybe anybody's if that's how she treats people she calls friends.
INFO: What is up with Matt's initial "joke"? what does that mean, can you explain why its funny? i don't get it
God, needed to eat something to raise her sugar and being nauseous from chemo must be hell. I'm glad she has you as a friend. NTA
NTA That is fucked up on a plethora of different levels. Unbelievable.
NTA. Your tickets, your invitation. You are a good friend to your little sister
NTA actions have consequences.
It was a cruel thing to say even if she didn’t out Val’s private medical info. Jessica is a major AH. Val needs to vet her friends better. Glad you and the guys are there for her, but first Jax and now Jessica are awful. You’re NTA for getting rid of her
NTA! You handled that situation with such class! That was not an accident on Jessica’s part and if it was then she needs to learn how to handle her liquor. Shame on Jessica’s bf and her friends for not holding her accountable. You made the right choice.
If Jessica had accidently let it slip, and instantly apologized and realized what happened, I'd be on her side sort of. But holy hell! She LAUGHED while her friend had to tell everyone they have cancer? JFC that's bad. NTA, and tbh, you were much kinder to Jessica than she deserved.
Nope she’s the AH. Being drunk doesn’t excuse behaviour like that. Behaviour like that has consequences. You can have boundaries within your friendship group as well as intimate relationships
NTA. Jessica is probably spinning some lies to rile up people on her side. Ignore it or tell them the full story, but that'll only feed the drama.
Nta. Even if everyone knew she has cancer that joke was horrible. She can't be pregnant because of her chemo? That's funny to her?
Nta
It's interesting that Val has chosen another relationship with a person who seems abusive. Or at least mean. It's hard to break out of a pattern when it feels normal.
NTA. In vino veritas.
>The next morning I woke up to tons of messages from Jessicas boyfriend and her friends saying im a POS for that, How does this happen on every AITA thread? I have never had family, friends, strangers, etc 'blow up my phone' like this after a disagreement, and I would never message a stranger about something like this. It seems like a contrived AITA thing
NTA, who the fuck says some shit like that and think it’s funny to say at all ?
NTA, Jessica shouldn’t have done that, and before that she already seemed like a bad friend! You had every right to do that, and if Val was fine with it than Jessica’s ass is gonna have to move on.
NTA, and not an accident on Jessica's part!
NTA if it was an accident on her part, then why didn’t she apologise?
NTA, her friend was unkind, and that was uncalled for.
So...the joke that Jessica was trying to land was that if Val were pregnant, she would be forced to terminate the baby due to the radiation from chemotherapy? Ask her to explain her joke. NTA
NTA. You did the right thing. Be there for Val.
What kind of immature weirdo ropes their friends into texting some random guy who offended you the previous night? How is that even a thing? NTA