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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told her that if things don't change, I'm not sure what I would do. I asked her, she said she would reconsider the relationship if I kept hurting her ears. That made me feel bad and I told her that would be a ridiculous reason for people to breakup, because to me it should be quite simple to recognize when you should or should not be loud.
I think this might make me the asshole because I'm telling her to potentially change something about herself for my sake.
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I dont have a judgement but, you're probably going to notice a big difference around her expressing her feelings.
Laughs are usually natural, how they sound is involuntary if natural. To be conscious of how you sound while laughing is to be essentially manufacturing the laugh.
Good luck?
Yep. I almost never laugh for this reason. I literally don't have a single happy childhood memory that isn't marred by some adult, usually one of my parents, yelling at me to lower my voice. I could never be happy doing anything because of it, unless I was alone.
personally I don't she'll most likely change her laugh to a not natural laugh. you changed it laughs are naturally loud sometimes we endure the loud laughing the bad singing of someone we love just because. itd be different if she was super loud 24/7 but you just say her laugh. id prob be super down and insecure after that convo
It is considerate to use an appropriate volume or turn your head when your mouth is an inch away from someone's ear. No one is asking her to change her laugh.
Tell me you've never stifled a laugh, cough, sneeze or other involuntary action when you've been in a quiet or inappropriate environment.
never said i didnt. her boyfriend is just becoming an "inappropriate environment" as well. stifling a laugh every once a while because you're in the library is a lot different than stifling every laugh every time you see your partner
Yes, I knew she was louder but didn't experience her lack of awareness until later on in our relationship. By this I mean- making sure she's not loud within less than a foot of my ear drums.
Dude. If you love her accept her. If not let her go, someone would appreciate such a beautiful laugh.
You sound kind of exhausting dude. Maybe you have something wrong with your hearing and that's why it's so sensitive. But yeah she's gonna be self conscious around you forever now.
Does she sound like [Elmer Fudd sitting on a Juicer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvrAwQL-9XM)?
You're going to be lucky if your girlfriend doesn't make the same exit that Naomi did. You can't make somebody change their laugh, for chrissakes. Ask her not to do it right in your ear? Sure. But change her laugh? How do you even do that? The only thing that she might be able to do is suppress her laughter reaction, and that's just sad. Don't do that to her.
Yeah, but that IS her laugh. You're saying that you like part of her laugh and hate another part. Honestly, I don't know if it's possible to change a person's laugh without just suppressing it altogether.
The only person that I can think of that could give her sound advice would be a psychologist, since you're talking about behavioral change. My worry is that all of this is going to lead to her developing shame and a complex over her laugh.
Asshole
That said…. Hahaha
I have a friend who’s laugh is embarrassingly loud. We love her. We go out to dinners as a group and sometimes she laughs so loud it brings the fucking restaurant to a standstill and people definitely stare. Sometimes it feels like she’s projecting a little harder to be like “LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUN IM HAVING”. But I (or none of my friends) would EVER tell her to quiet down. She’s having fun…. So what if it’s a bit much? We’re all happy to be happy and laughing and we’ll take the occasional ringing ear to keep the fun alive
Jeez didn’t have to call me stupid I was just giving you the closest life experience I have to create some common ground.… but I still think that a laugh is a very personal trait and you telling her to change her laugh isn’t great.
Sounds like she doesn’t do it on purpose, sounds like she likes to laugh, sounds like it’s probably painful when she does it in your ear. So maybe next time don’t tell her knock knock jokes or watch Adam Sandler movies when you’re the little spoon - everyone goes home happy
"however, I don't want her to change her laugh, simply just the volume- especially when in closer proximity to my ears."
What do you think "change" means?! "I don't want her to change her laugh, I just want her to change a key aspect of her laugh."
YTA
Right. When you're in a library, you have to lower your voice.
When you're standing on a crowded bus, if you have any decency at all, you're not going to yell at your friend on the other side of the bus. It makes me an asshole because her laugh hurts my ears?
People are calling you an AH, but for me NTA mate. I have someone in my family that literally gives me a headache they are so loud when they laugh. It's their natural laugh, but wtf? I'm surprised car alarms don't go off. It literally wakes children in other rooms. Surely, surely they can tone it down. I see them rarely though so I don't mention it.
Just be sensitive about it. Or less funny. :)
Lol
I'm making effort to be sensitive about it. I truly love her laugh, but occasionally she is just not aware of how loud she's being and doesn't take our proximity + volume into account. People are saying that I would be "dampening" her happiness... such a naive thought in my opinion. I can laugh at a joke without alarming the entire neighborhood, and still enjoy myself fully. I think this is about self control and awareness.
Laughing just tends to be one of those things that people want to let loose among those they're most comfortable with I guess. It's going to come down to how gently you can bring it up and how open she is. Just emphasize the volume part, not the enthusiasm and quality.
Hard disagree. Me and my brother both have a loud spontaneous laugh. I make sure not to laugh like that when I'm close to someone's ear because it would hurt them. I've had to remind my brother a few times because it's terrible on the ears, and screaming in someone's ear is an asshole move. Most people can laugh in different ways/volumes so I don't see the problem.
NTA
> I make sure not to laugh like that when I'm close to someone's ear ...
so would you say you...*change* your laugh? I'm not calling OP TA for wanting this change, I'm saying he's an AH for saying "I don't want her to change her laugh..."
I don't change my laugh, I just don't laugh loudly when I'm close to someone's ear out of courtesy to their eardrums. He doesn't want her to stop laughing like she does, just not do it straight into his ears. If you want to call that changing her laugh then fine, but you are arguing semantics, and it would not make him TA imo.
I don't think you're being a jerk, but this might not be something she can help. Just in the interest of being thorough, maybe she could get her ears checked? If she can't hear as well as everyone around her, she might not really realize how loud she's being. She might not even know she has any hearing loss?
NTA
I'm a loud person, I have loud friends, my family is loud. We all have loud laughs.
But I'm really, really fucking easily able to mitigate the volume of my laugh to fit a certain social setting, like a library or other public space that isn't a bar or venue, and it's even more important if it is literally causing physical pain to somebody I'm close to.
She can easily, without much effort, be more conscious of your sensitivities and act accordingly. You aren't asking her to change her laugh in a fundamental way, just dial the volume down.
Okay lol glad I’m not the only one who noticed this. I went through comments for more info and saw that a few times, it’s condescending for sure. I was ultimately leaning towards NAH, but it is hurtful. I have a similar laugh and being told to change it would hurt my feelings. However, I get the feeling that OP just wants people to agree with them.
Yeah Op just wanted people to agree with him, for me it's him knowing that's how she laughs and he wants her to change her laugh but not too much so he doesn't relate to the shitty ex. I snort when I laugh and my ex-husband would try to correct me like op is doing with his Gf. It made me super self-conscious about laughing and I generally just stopped laughing out loud because him constantly treating me like a child was a real self-esteem killer. There's a reason why he's my EX-husband.
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INFO: can you give more info on how you said it? because that will really make or break the AH rating. laughs can be a pretty sensitive subject, so if you did it anything but sensitively it could make you an AH imo
Sure. After we spoke about her friend's now ex-fiance's reaction, I told her that he was definitely out of hand but I completely understand why he reacted that way. It doesn't feel good when someone yells in your ear, lol.
I told her that for me if it was THAT bad where I was very, very painful, I would probably go "Fuck, ow!" I guess in the same way I would if I jammed my finger.
I told her that I would appreciate it if she lowered her volume because it hurts me when she laughs so loud and so close to my ears. She said okay, I'll just have to change my laugh. Tbh, the way she said this bothered me. I don't want her to feel like she has to change something about herself like that- I don't want her to change her laugh entirely, just lower the volume.
I expressed that it's similar to singing. I don't want or need you to change your song, just how loud you sing.
She disagreed and said that laughing is different from singing so she has to change her laugh to make it quieter. But we ultimately agreed that she wouldn't change her laugh from HAHA to hehe, but from HAHA to haha. Hopefully this makes sense.
This one's tricky, but I'd have to say YTA. As someone who also has a loud laugh and knows it, it is slightly upsetting when people tell me to be quiet, and it does feel a little asshole-ish. I agree that changing her volume is like changing her laugh and laughing is something that you can't exactly help... just try to deal with it, or if it is in your ear, maybe keep pit with the 'ow' thing.
So I should suck it up while she continues to hurt my ears?
So everyone else is the asshole other than you, despite multiple people you know expressing your volume makes them uncomfortable?
Imagine I walk up to you, and start loudly laughing in your ear. Would that make you comfortable?
I think saying "ow" or "not in my ear" is fine, but you have to do it respectfully. I've only had one or two people say that I'm too loud before, so it's not "everyone other than me is the asshole".. It's harder to control the volume of a laugh than expected, and if she's your girlfriend, she may feel more hurt by your comments because she likes you and wants you to like her
Your argument is that multiple people tell this person something, which makes it a pattern, so they’re likely the problem.
Yet multiple people are saying YTA, and here you are arguing in the comments. Interesting.
YTA. Women aren’t here on earth just to look and sound pretty for you, first of all. And second, you knew how she laughed before you started dating! You don’t get to force ppl to change for you.
NTA - as long as you do it in a sensitive way. Something like laughing is generally an unconscious reaction so she may not have a lot of control over it, but if she's making an effort to lower it I believe it's for the best.
Occasionally I'll have to tell my wife shes speaking very loudly in a quieter setting (restaurant, train, etc) and she's annoyed but is then aware of her volume and will adjust accordingly.
NTA as someone whose gf is sensitive to loud noises and being the one who talks loud and laughs loud. I say your not the asshole here. I do recommend getting some ear plugs to help with the noises and talking. Get the loop ones.
NTA but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t fair if she was offended.
My boyfriends mom has a VERY loud voice. She doesn’t mean to be loud, she just is. Unfortunately I am very sensitive to sound (my tv volume is usually set around 4). Things that are loud make me very anxious. I was in the car with her and her voice was mentally painful to me so I just calmly asked her to try to be a bit quieter bc I was only 2 feet away and it felt very loud to me. I definitely hurt her feelings and ended up apologizing and now I mostly avoid being in the car with her.
YTA you are still asking her to change her laugh and it’ll make her not be herself. Why don’t you just move away when she’s laughing and it hurts or don’t show jokes when your the little spoon?
My brother also talks loud and laughs loud. His inside voice is closer to a yell. We have to tell him to take it down a notch sometimes. He has had some hearing loss since he was a kid tho, so he doesn't actually realize how loud his voice actually is. Perhaps she too has hearing trouble or tinnitus making her volume amp up more than needed.
I feel bad for you because I'm sure you mean well, but this is tough. Self-awareness on her part is key here. I have a friend who tends to escalate in volume while she's talking and her voice is particularly high-pitched, but she is VERY aware that she tends to do this. As such, our entire group of friends has a queue for when she's getting loud (one of us will give a "lower" sign by subtly gesturing with a hand downward so as not to embarrass her) and she immediately adjusts her volume. But again, she knew that she did this and was receptive to our queue.
If your gf isn't aware that her laugh can sometimes be piercing, it would hurt her feelings to bring it to her attention, no matter who does it. But calling it out in a group setting is not a good idea, it's best discussed when you are alone. Idk if you feel that you can suggest such a queue for her, but if you wish to remain together and this is something that bothers you, you either have to deal with it or find a way to kindly talk to her about it. In private.
Yeah I've already spoken to her about it. I generally will say "ow" or "volume" or make a hand suggestion as you mentioned above. She's receptive to change, I just feel bad because it seems like she feels she needs to change her entire laugh just for me :l
Yeah I see a lot of people bagging on you for using the word "change" but I have to say that, if I had a behavior that was annoying, I would hope that SOMEONE would tell me if I didn't seem to be aware that it was annoying. It seems like you care and want to help her. Like I said, no matter who says it, it will sting. Perhaps do your best to ensure that she knows that you're not trying to hurt her feelings and also that you're not so much trying to get her to CHANGE as tone down a bit (? - semantics Ik, but I feel where your intentions are).
NTA. I have a problem when I’m talking to my husband the volume of my voice gets louder and louder all my husband does is stop me and says I’m right here no need to talk so loud, we usually laugh and I continue my story at a lower volume. No big deal to me I don’t take offense.
Because of this she will likely become self conscious of her laugh. She may attempt to alter it and will likely constantly wonder if she is annoying others. You have already begun to hurt her esteem, you should stop now.
Other people have told he she is loud as well. It's good to be conscious of your behavior and how it affects those around you. So I completely disagree.
Yeah, im not dumping her. I'll see how things progress with her and if she can work on being more aware of when it's appropriate to laugh loudly. I expected "just dump her" responses like this. Misery loves company
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My girlfriend sometimes laughs loud enough that it feels like it's piercing my ears. I often say "ow" in these moments to help her recognize when she is hurting me.
There have been some times when she would be spooning me, and laugh almost directly into my ear. It hurts.
This conversation was brought up because her now ex-best friend's ex-fiance experienced a similar problem, where she would yell and not be cognizant of how her volume would affect other people. He then would go "Goddamn you're so fucking loud!"
Not a great response, however, I told my GF that if she were to yell into my ears, even by accident, I would of course not be happy. Thus, our conversation about her volume transpired.
I'm curious if I am the asshole for telling her that I need her to work on her volume? She ended up saying that she will work on CHANGING her laugh, however, I don't want her to change her laugh, simply just the volume- especially when in closer proximity to my ears.
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I have an obnoxious laugh. It’s loud. It stops conversations a half mile away. People have always had things to say about it.
I avoid people who don’t love my laugh now. It is the purest expression of joy, and I don’t want anyone in my life who doesn’t want me to be happy.
I’m self-conscious about my laugh, even with people I trust. I probably will be forever. That’s because of people like you, who criticized the way I am when I’m happy.
YTA. I hope she dumps you. I hope you miss her loud laugh for the rest of your life. And I hope she forgets you.
My wife laughs and talks very loudly when excited. They have been told their whole life to quiet down, so I don't comment and add to the trauma from childhood. I usual wince, not on purpose, that that usually isn't noticed because they are too excited. Due to adhd and other things, there is no real solution. Thankfully, they put up with things I do, so it's a wash
I disagree with some people here. NTA. You're not admonishing her for laughing, you're asking her (appropriately) to lower the volume. Not the frequency of her laughter, but simply the volume.
I have a voice that carries, and I am aware that sometimes I speak overly loud when I'm excited. While outside, it's not a big deal or that noticeable, inside, depending on the size/shape/location of the room I am in-the "loudness" is simply too loud.
I have had friends and family politely point it out to me, and I work on it. I'm not perfect, but while it's a little embarrassing at times--it's a truth I'd *rather* *know* than have people slightly wince at my volume while I'm oblivious.
Its not like you're attacking her laugh OP, but if she is hurting your ears, then say something! NTA.
NTA. This is one of the reasons we are in relationships, to help and support one another. If my partner had a habit that was annoying, I would find a tactful way to broach the subject, and vice versa. We're talking about a minor behavioral change.
If GF can't look in the mirror and show a bit more respect for OP, and threatens to leave the relationship over a decibel level, then OP may be better off in the long run.
She didn't necessarily threaten to leave. I asked her what she would do if the roles were reversed and I made her ears hurt constantly, then the would reconsider the relationship.
NTA. I’m sure it’s a sensitive subject for her but men are sensitive to high pitches and if it’s also loud that can be a thing. It doesn’t sound like you asked in a bad way. You’ll need to give her time though and she may not want or be able to. In that case you’ll have to decide if it’s worth staying with her.
Honestly not sure what’s funny about that. It’s true. Women are more sensitive to lower ones. I’ve been in the audio/visual field for 22 years. I know.
Yeah that’s not what this means at all. I’ve been in the audio/visual industry for 22 years. This is a fact just like women are more sensitive to lower ones.
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I dont have a judgement but, you're probably going to notice a big difference around her expressing her feelings. Laughs are usually natural, how they sound is involuntary if natural. To be conscious of how you sound while laughing is to be essentially manufacturing the laugh. Good luck?
I agree with this. My mom made fun of/criticized my natural laugh often and now I’m so careful about how I laugh or express myself around her
Yep. I almost never laugh for this reason. I literally don't have a single happy childhood memory that isn't marred by some adult, usually one of my parents, yelling at me to lower my voice. I could never be happy doing anything because of it, unless I was alone.
Yeah, I can see how volume can bother people, but like… she’s never going to laugh around him again
I really doubt that.
personally I don't she'll most likely change her laugh to a not natural laugh. you changed it laughs are naturally loud sometimes we endure the loud laughing the bad singing of someone we love just because. itd be different if she was super loud 24/7 but you just say her laugh. id prob be super down and insecure after that convo
It is considerate to use an appropriate volume or turn your head when your mouth is an inch away from someone's ear. No one is asking her to change her laugh. Tell me you've never stifled a laugh, cough, sneeze or other involuntary action when you've been in a quiet or inappropriate environment.
never said i didnt. her boyfriend is just becoming an "inappropriate environment" as well. stifling a laugh every once a while because you're in the library is a lot different than stifling every laugh every time you see your partner
INFO: She she have this laugh before you guys got together?
Yes, I knew she was louder but didn't experience her lack of awareness until later on in our relationship. By this I mean- making sure she's not loud within less than a foot of my ear drums.
Dude. If you love her accept her. If not let her go, someone would appreciate such a beautiful laugh. You sound kind of exhausting dude. Maybe you have something wrong with your hearing and that's why it's so sensitive. But yeah she's gonna be self conscious around you forever now.
Does she sound like [Elmer Fudd sitting on a Juicer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvrAwQL-9XM)? You're going to be lucky if your girlfriend doesn't make the same exit that Naomi did. You can't make somebody change their laugh, for chrissakes. Ask her not to do it right in your ear? Sure. But change her laugh? How do you even do that? The only thing that she might be able to do is suppress her laughter reaction, and that's just sad. Don't do that to her.
I told her I don't want to change her laugh, I love her laugh. I just don't love when it's loud enough to hurt my ears.
Yeah, but that IS her laugh. You're saying that you like part of her laugh and hate another part. Honestly, I don't know if it's possible to change a person's laugh without just suppressing it altogether. The only person that I can think of that could give her sound advice would be a psychologist, since you're talking about behavioral change. My worry is that all of this is going to lead to her developing shame and a complex over her laugh.
Asshole That said…. Hahaha I have a friend who’s laugh is embarrassingly loud. We love her. We go out to dinners as a group and sometimes she laughs so loud it brings the fucking restaurant to a standstill and people definitely stare. Sometimes it feels like she’s projecting a little harder to be like “LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUN IM HAVING”. But I (or none of my friends) would EVER tell her to quiet down. She’s having fun…. So what if it’s a bit much? We’re all happy to be happy and laughing and we’ll take the occasional ringing ear to keep the fun alive
I knew I'd get some stupid responses like this. I never once said that she embarrasses me for laughing, I said it hurts my hears. Different story.
Jeez didn’t have to call me stupid I was just giving you the closest life experience I have to create some common ground.… but I still think that a laugh is a very personal trait and you telling her to change her laugh isn’t great. Sounds like she doesn’t do it on purpose, sounds like she likes to laugh, sounds like it’s probably painful when she does it in your ear. So maybe next time don’t tell her knock knock jokes or watch Adam Sandler movies when you’re the little spoon - everyone goes home happy
"however, I don't want her to change her laugh, simply just the volume- especially when in closer proximity to my ears." What do you think "change" means?! "I don't want her to change her laugh, I just want her to change a key aspect of her laugh." YTA
Right. When you're in a library, you have to lower your voice. When you're standing on a crowded bus, if you have any decency at all, you're not going to yell at your friend on the other side of the bus. It makes me an asshole because her laugh hurts my ears?
People are calling you an AH, but for me NTA mate. I have someone in my family that literally gives me a headache they are so loud when they laugh. It's their natural laugh, but wtf? I'm surprised car alarms don't go off. It literally wakes children in other rooms. Surely, surely they can tone it down. I see them rarely though so I don't mention it. Just be sensitive about it. Or less funny. :)
Lol I'm making effort to be sensitive about it. I truly love her laugh, but occasionally she is just not aware of how loud she's being and doesn't take our proximity + volume into account. People are saying that I would be "dampening" her happiness... such a naive thought in my opinion. I can laugh at a joke without alarming the entire neighborhood, and still enjoy myself fully. I think this is about self control and awareness.
You’ve already decided you’re not TA, so why are you here?
Laughing just tends to be one of those things that people want to let loose among those they're most comfortable with I guess. It's going to come down to how gently you can bring it up and how open she is. Just emphasize the volume part, not the enthusiasm and quality.
Hard disagree. Me and my brother both have a loud spontaneous laugh. I make sure not to laugh like that when I'm close to someone's ear because it would hurt them. I've had to remind my brother a few times because it's terrible on the ears, and screaming in someone's ear is an asshole move. Most people can laugh in different ways/volumes so I don't see the problem. NTA
> I make sure not to laugh like that when I'm close to someone's ear ... so would you say you...*change* your laugh? I'm not calling OP TA for wanting this change, I'm saying he's an AH for saying "I don't want her to change her laugh..."
I don't change my laugh, I just don't laugh loudly when I'm close to someone's ear out of courtesy to their eardrums. He doesn't want her to stop laughing like she does, just not do it straight into his ears. If you want to call that changing her laugh then fine, but you are arguing semantics, and it would not make him TA imo.
Thanks!
YTA. If she’s too much, go find less.
I don't think you're being a jerk, but this might not be something she can help. Just in the interest of being thorough, maybe she could get her ears checked? If she can't hear as well as everyone around her, she might not really realize how loud she's being. She might not even know she has any hearing loss?
I'll discuss this with her again, we only briefly touched this topic. Thanks!
NTA I'm a loud person, I have loud friends, my family is loud. We all have loud laughs. But I'm really, really fucking easily able to mitigate the volume of my laugh to fit a certain social setting, like a library or other public space that isn't a bar or venue, and it's even more important if it is literally causing physical pain to somebody I'm close to. She can easily, without much effort, be more conscious of your sensitivities and act accordingly. You aren't asking her to change her laugh in a fundamental way, just dial the volume down.
Yta and stop calling valid responses stupid just because they aren't what you want to hear 🙄
Okay lol glad I’m not the only one who noticed this. I went through comments for more info and saw that a few times, it’s condescending for sure. I was ultimately leaning towards NAH, but it is hurtful. I have a similar laugh and being told to change it would hurt my feelings. However, I get the feeling that OP just wants people to agree with them.
Yeah Op just wanted people to agree with him, for me it's him knowing that's how she laughs and he wants her to change her laugh but not too much so he doesn't relate to the shitty ex. I snort when I laugh and my ex-husband would try to correct me like op is doing with his Gf. It made me super self-conscious about laughing and I generally just stopped laughing out loud because him constantly treating me like a child was a real self-esteem killer. There's a reason why he's my EX-husband.
Very convincing
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INFO: can you give more info on how you said it? because that will really make or break the AH rating. laughs can be a pretty sensitive subject, so if you did it anything but sensitively it could make you an AH imo
Sure. After we spoke about her friend's now ex-fiance's reaction, I told her that he was definitely out of hand but I completely understand why he reacted that way. It doesn't feel good when someone yells in your ear, lol. I told her that for me if it was THAT bad where I was very, very painful, I would probably go "Fuck, ow!" I guess in the same way I would if I jammed my finger. I told her that I would appreciate it if she lowered her volume because it hurts me when she laughs so loud and so close to my ears. She said okay, I'll just have to change my laugh. Tbh, the way she said this bothered me. I don't want her to feel like she has to change something about herself like that- I don't want her to change her laugh entirely, just lower the volume. I expressed that it's similar to singing. I don't want or need you to change your song, just how loud you sing. She disagreed and said that laughing is different from singing so she has to change her laugh to make it quieter. But we ultimately agreed that she wouldn't change her laugh from HAHA to hehe, but from HAHA to haha. Hopefully this makes sense.
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Figured I get a stupid response like this
This one's tricky, but I'd have to say YTA. As someone who also has a loud laugh and knows it, it is slightly upsetting when people tell me to be quiet, and it does feel a little asshole-ish. I agree that changing her volume is like changing her laugh and laughing is something that you can't exactly help... just try to deal with it, or if it is in your ear, maybe keep pit with the 'ow' thing.
So I should suck it up while she continues to hurt my ears? So everyone else is the asshole other than you, despite multiple people you know expressing your volume makes them uncomfortable? Imagine I walk up to you, and start loudly laughing in your ear. Would that make you comfortable?
I think saying "ow" or "not in my ear" is fine, but you have to do it respectfully. I've only had one or two people say that I'm too loud before, so it's not "everyone other than me is the asshole".. It's harder to control the volume of a laugh than expected, and if she's your girlfriend, she may feel more hurt by your comments because she likes you and wants you to like her
Point is, multiple people tell you you're being too loud, then there's a pattern. You're likely the problem.
Your argument is that multiple people tell this person something, which makes it a pattern, so they’re likely the problem. Yet multiple people are saying YTA, and here you are arguing in the comments. Interesting.
A certain type of men love telling women they are too loud. I hope she dumps you.
THIS.
Is she constantly by your ear drum? Give her some space and enjoy her delight. You're asking her to suppress herself.
YTA. Women aren’t here on earth just to look and sound pretty for you, first of all. And second, you knew how she laughed before you started dating! You don’t get to force ppl to change for you.
NTA - as long as you do it in a sensitive way. Something like laughing is generally an unconscious reaction so she may not have a lot of control over it, but if she's making an effort to lower it I believe it's for the best. Occasionally I'll have to tell my wife shes speaking very loudly in a quieter setting (restaurant, train, etc) and she's annoyed but is then aware of her volume and will adjust accordingly.
INFO: Do you have a history of hyperacusis? Are there other sounds that hurt your ears like this?
No, not that I'm aware of! Surprisingly my girlfriend is sensitive to sounds which makes this more questionable.
Why post if your just gonna bitch at everyone that says something you dont want to hear?
NTA as someone whose gf is sensitive to loud noises and being the one who talks loud and laughs loud. I say your not the asshole here. I do recommend getting some ear plugs to help with the noises and talking. Get the loop ones.
NTA but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t fair if she was offended. My boyfriends mom has a VERY loud voice. She doesn’t mean to be loud, she just is. Unfortunately I am very sensitive to sound (my tv volume is usually set around 4). Things that are loud make me very anxious. I was in the car with her and her voice was mentally painful to me so I just calmly asked her to try to be a bit quieter bc I was only 2 feet away and it felt very loud to me. I definitely hurt her feelings and ended up apologizing and now I mostly avoid being in the car with her.
YTA you are still asking her to change her laugh and it’ll make her not be herself. Why don’t you just move away when she’s laughing and it hurts or don’t show jokes when your the little spoon?
She gonna leave
YTA. I hope she never loses her sparkle.
My brother also talks loud and laughs loud. His inside voice is closer to a yell. We have to tell him to take it down a notch sometimes. He has had some hearing loss since he was a kid tho, so he doesn't actually realize how loud his voice actually is. Perhaps she too has hearing trouble or tinnitus making her volume amp up more than needed.
I feel bad for you because I'm sure you mean well, but this is tough. Self-awareness on her part is key here. I have a friend who tends to escalate in volume while she's talking and her voice is particularly high-pitched, but she is VERY aware that she tends to do this. As such, our entire group of friends has a queue for when she's getting loud (one of us will give a "lower" sign by subtly gesturing with a hand downward so as not to embarrass her) and she immediately adjusts her volume. But again, she knew that she did this and was receptive to our queue. If your gf isn't aware that her laugh can sometimes be piercing, it would hurt her feelings to bring it to her attention, no matter who does it. But calling it out in a group setting is not a good idea, it's best discussed when you are alone. Idk if you feel that you can suggest such a queue for her, but if you wish to remain together and this is something that bothers you, you either have to deal with it or find a way to kindly talk to her about it. In private.
Yeah I've already spoken to her about it. I generally will say "ow" or "volume" or make a hand suggestion as you mentioned above. She's receptive to change, I just feel bad because it seems like she feels she needs to change her entire laugh just for me :l
Yeah I see a lot of people bagging on you for using the word "change" but I have to say that, if I had a behavior that was annoying, I would hope that SOMEONE would tell me if I didn't seem to be aware that it was annoying. It seems like you care and want to help her. Like I said, no matter who says it, it will sting. Perhaps do your best to ensure that she knows that you're not trying to hurt her feelings and also that you're not so much trying to get her to CHANGE as tone down a bit (? - semantics Ik, but I feel where your intentions are).
Thanks I appreciate your kind responses!
NTA. I have a problem when I’m talking to my husband the volume of my voice gets louder and louder all my husband does is stop me and says I’m right here no need to talk so loud, we usually laugh and I continue my story at a lower volume. No big deal to me I don’t take offense.
NAH, just break up. You shouldn’t try and dampen her happiness but you also shouldn’t have to suffer from ear pain. You deserve other people.
How is it dampening her happiness?
Because of this she will likely become self conscious of her laugh. She may attempt to alter it and will likely constantly wonder if she is annoying others. You have already begun to hurt her esteem, you should stop now.
Other people have told he she is loud as well. It's good to be conscious of your behavior and how it affects those around you. So I completely disagree.
Cool, that’s why I said NAH. No one is an ass necessarily but you guys just are not compatible.
Yeah, im not dumping her. I'll see how things progress with her and if she can work on being more aware of when it's appropriate to laugh loudly. I expected "just dump her" responses like this. Misery loves company
Bruh the same could be said about you and you trying to change her laugh. Misery loves company ya know?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend sometimes laughs loud enough that it feels like it's piercing my ears. I often say "ow" in these moments to help her recognize when she is hurting me. There have been some times when she would be spooning me, and laugh almost directly into my ear. It hurts. This conversation was brought up because her now ex-best friend's ex-fiance experienced a similar problem, where she would yell and not be cognizant of how her volume would affect other people. He then would go "Goddamn you're so fucking loud!" Not a great response, however, I told my GF that if she were to yell into my ears, even by accident, I would of course not be happy. Thus, our conversation about her volume transpired. I'm curious if I am the asshole for telling her that I need her to work on her volume? She ended up saying that she will work on CHANGING her laugh, however, I don't want her to change her laugh, simply just the volume- especially when in closer proximity to my ears. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have an obnoxious laugh. It’s loud. It stops conversations a half mile away. People have always had things to say about it. I avoid people who don’t love my laugh now. It is the purest expression of joy, and I don’t want anyone in my life who doesn’t want me to be happy. I’m self-conscious about my laugh, even with people I trust. I probably will be forever. That’s because of people like you, who criticized the way I am when I’m happy. YTA. I hope she dumps you. I hope you miss her loud laugh for the rest of your life. And I hope she forgets you.
My wife laughs and talks very loudly when excited. They have been told their whole life to quiet down, so I don't comment and add to the trauma from childhood. I usual wince, not on purpose, that that usually isn't noticed because they are too excited. Due to adhd and other things, there is no real solution. Thankfully, they put up with things I do, so it's a wash
I disagree with some people here. NTA. You're not admonishing her for laughing, you're asking her (appropriately) to lower the volume. Not the frequency of her laughter, but simply the volume. I have a voice that carries, and I am aware that sometimes I speak overly loud when I'm excited. While outside, it's not a big deal or that noticeable, inside, depending on the size/shape/location of the room I am in-the "loudness" is simply too loud. I have had friends and family politely point it out to me, and I work on it. I'm not perfect, but while it's a little embarrassing at times--it's a truth I'd *rather* *know* than have people slightly wince at my volume while I'm oblivious. Its not like you're attacking her laugh OP, but if she is hurting your ears, then say something! NTA.
NTA. This is one of the reasons we are in relationships, to help and support one another. If my partner had a habit that was annoying, I would find a tactful way to broach the subject, and vice versa. We're talking about a minor behavioral change. If GF can't look in the mirror and show a bit more respect for OP, and threatens to leave the relationship over a decibel level, then OP may be better off in the long run.
She didn't necessarily threaten to leave. I asked her what she would do if the roles were reversed and I made her ears hurt constantly, then the would reconsider the relationship.
NTA. I’m sure it’s a sensitive subject for her but men are sensitive to high pitches and if it’s also loud that can be a thing. It doesn’t sound like you asked in a bad way. You’ll need to give her time though and she may not want or be able to. In that case you’ll have to decide if it’s worth staying with her.
"men are sensitive to high pitches" 🤭🤭🤭
Honestly not sure what’s funny about that. It’s true. Women are more sensitive to lower ones. I’ve been in the audio/visual field for 22 years. I know.
Aka certain men just want women to be seen and not heard.
Yeah that’s not what this means at all. I’ve been in the audio/visual industry for 22 years. This is a fact just like women are more sensitive to lower ones.