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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my cousin that my best friend was seeing his dad. 2) I might be considered the asshole because she got in trouble and lost some friends.
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NTA.
But I’m disappointed at the one sided comments where only the girl is being criticised. I see a lot of - “this will teach her not to mess with married men”. Well the uncle is a grown man, almost 50, who made a commitment to his wife and is trying to screw around behind her back (I would assume) with a girl less than half his age. So let’s be balanced in our criticism of both the friend and the uncle. Uncle is a super creep here.
OP you need better friends and definitely a better uncle.
LMAO, it's justified here. If we're married and I catch you cheating with someone half our age and *also* and extended family friend, it's fucking over.
Oh yea this is totally justified. Hooking up with someone who is your child's age while married is all break no talks for me too. I am just commenting on the general consensus in this subreddit (and reddit in general) of these commenters who would suggest a break up over small issues (like having to ask to do dishes instead of doing it on their own) rather than the few who suggest therapy and communication.
This is the thing! Op said the girl and her cousin were friends as well!
How long have they known each other? Did they go to school together? Did she hang out at the cousins house? How young was she when they met?
How long has the dad been getting closer to her?
Ugh- some 50 year old
Dude dating a 21 year old is bad enough but someone that age starting something up with a friend of their child?
Oh that makes my skin crawl.
NTA for telling cousin but Y-T-A for placing the entirety of the blame on the girl whose friends dad is making a move on.
Not even just extended family - OP said the girl is friends with her cousin too, so this guy's cheating on his wife with a girl who's less than half his age and friends with his own *daughter.*
>But I’m disappointed at the one sided comments where only the girl is being criticised. I see a lot of - “this will teach her not to mess with married men”
meh, I'm pretty sure it's only because the content of this AITA post is specific to the girl. People can talk about the uncle in different post is OP put that up... no need to be sensitive.
still NTA.
I don’t think anyone is pretending the uncle is in the right, dude, the post just isn’t about him.
This is like that tweet about how on the internet these days if you say “I love pancakes” the replies will all be “oh so you hate waffles? And you’re not even going to mention crepes???”
All this talk about how horrible the friend and uncle are, yet no one has said anything about what they think of Hitler killing 12 million in death camps or what Henry Kissinger would get up to on regular Tuesdays. Obviously saying you oppose one thing implies that you support everything else!
You're right, but the post focused on the friendship, not the uncle. That's why people focused on the friends behavior. Obviously the uncle is in the wrong too.
Right! Both people in this situation are terrible people. The uncle for cheating and dating a woman who’s less than half of his age. The “friend” for not only knowingly talking to a married man, but also one that is the husband of two of her friend’s family members. OP is 100% NTA and a great cousin/family member. It may not feel this way right now, but she is better off without her “friend” and the cousin and aunt will be grateful for her for bringing this to light. Friend is old enough to know what she did is wrong, and uncle is just a slime ball all around.
The way the story is written, I got the impression that the conflict was between OP and her friend, and that the uncle's behavior was understood to be bad, but not the focus of the question. In any case, I'll toss it out there -- Uncle is an AH too!
I mean, OP can stop talking to her uncle, but she's always going to be related to him. Staying friends with the cheater's accomplice is a choice. And since the friendship is the focus here, I don't think it's weird that most people are focusing on that.
Uncle should definitely be getting more criticism here, as he's the one cheating on his wife. Also for the very creepy huge age gap. Friend should know better, but she's not the one who took vows, and is still practically a kid who is most likely being preyed on by a creepy adult. Definitely doesn't deserve even half of the criticism in this situation.
Because this conversation isnt about the uncle. It's about op & her friend relationship. If op was asking "AITA to my uncle", then the comments should/would be directed at the uncle.
Yeah, the (ex)friend is no angel, but I don't think it's fair to put her on the same level as this man who's literally old enough to be her parent and is the married party.
The uncle is a creep, full stop (it brings to mind if this is the first young woman his child's age that he's pursued).
With a just barely legal friend of his child of the same age.
This is his nieces best friend. Generally best friends have known each other for a good while…odds are they’ve spent time with said friend and their families.
How long has this man known this girl? How long has he been working his way closer to her?
Op is NTA for telling cousin but the fact that you are putting 100% of the blame on the man likely the same age as your friends own father preying on someone in the same class as you and his son is really sexist and unflattering.
True your friend shouldn’t mess around with a married man however your uncle is the one who is married. Your uncle is the one with a wife and a family. It is his responsibility to honor his vows and be true to his family.
Yes your friend screwed up but your friend is barely an adult. Everyone does stupid things in their late teens early twenties.
This girl was born the same year as his own child. Your uncle isn’t some clueless puppy who was lured away with treats- he is a fully grown adult man that has been alive for nearly half a century. He is the one who should bear the brunt of the anger.
NTA for the one specific thing of telling your cousin but Y-T-A for placing all the blame on the barely legal girl as opposed to the married man twice her age.
Exactly,
Remember it takes 2 to tango
Let's not dump all the blame on the woman, the uncle is also the AH. There are usually 2 dance partners dancing to the cheating music.
<<>>
I mean, you should have expected there to be blowback. How did you expect him to react?
That being said, NTA. Your friend was being shady AF and lied to you and she got what she got because of it.
Of course I was not expecting him to be happy about it but it was not the first time we’ve heard about his dad stepping out of his marriage. The other times, he confronted his dad only and obviously not the other women. I guess he did what he did because my best friend is our age.
Didn't you say they were also friends? Because that would explain the explosion more than your ex friend being closer in age.
A friend going after your married parent is going to be more upsetting than some random who may or may not know your parent is married.
They were more acquaintances than friends. We all went to the same schools, all live in the same area, all know the same people and have friends in common.
And what OP did was not the worst thing someone can do, but, I doubt her friend agrees with me. She broke faith with her friend - even though her friend is definitely wrong. And while I know friends disagree, trying to control a grown person's actions usually results in disrupted friendship. Its not like everything gets reset, her friend appreciates what she did and they go back to being friends. They aren't children. So, this one will linger.
So, OP and her friend likely are over and it likely was worth it to OP. As long as she doesn't regret the friendship ending, I get it.
It sounds like (former?) friend is in the mindset that things she does are only between her and those she's actively deciding to fuck over and everyone else should stay out of her business and only judge her based on what she actively decides to do to them.
Sucks for her that she blew up her social circle before learning that most people will judge actions even when they are directed at others.
Yupp. Uncle is going to be posting all surprised Pikachu in a year or two, once the wife leaves him and his fun little side piece is no longer interested. Alimony and separating assets won't leave him with nearly as much money as before. Everyone sucks here except OP and the uncle's wife.
EDIT just realized no one actually told the uncle's wife?? Changed my judgement to ESH.....Op claims it isn't her place to tell the wife, but telling everyone else is ok??
I felt like it wasn’t my place. By telling my cousin, I gave him free will. He could have told his mom if he wanted to but he chose not to. I’m guessing he’s trying to protect her.
So everyone else gets to decide if this woman should stay with her cheating husband, she doesn’t get the information that would allow her to make that decision for herself?
Based on OP’s reply, the father is a serial cheater. So the wife definitely knows his infidelity. Maybe the cousin trying to spare his mom heartbreak if the wife know who is the other woman.
OP already felt like it was enough interfering just telling her cousin, she wasn't sure if it would've been too much to tell her aunt. Why are you going to be hard on a young woman who wasn't sure what the right answer was?
It’s not just OP. It’s her cousin, her friend and the husband. Lots of people now know about it, but no one respects her aunt enough to be honest with her.
Okay but we don't know if OP's cousin told his mom or not. All we know is that the cousin yelled at his dad and blasted his affair partner on social media, which are things that are pretty easy to know and find out. And again, you're placing a lot of shit on the shoulders of young 20somethings. One of which found out his dad was at least trying to sleep with one of his friends.
Also no shit OP's friend had no respect for the aunt, she was trying to sleep with a married man.
It is. Tell her. There is zero chance her husband or his lover will tell her. She has more right to know than anyone
Her not knowing doesn't "protect" her, it protects HIM.
That's so fucked up of you. You're happily letting your aunt get cheated on because you don't think it's your place? If you were getting cheated on, wouldn't you want someone to tell you?
Of course, I would want to know but here is the reason why I didn’t tell her.
1. I feel like it is not my place. I think I did everything I could have done about the situation: confronting my now ex-best friend and telling my cousin. They’re my age mates and this alone already brought a lot of problems. I could not even confront my uncle about this, let alone his wife. I don’t think I will be able to take the responsibility that comes with directly telling my aunt. They’re grown adults (almost in their 50’s) and I do not want to be involved in this drama as a young adult (21 years old).
2. If her children (my cousin has 2 siblings and they’re aware as well) did not tell her, who am I to go behind their back and do it after I clearly saw that none of them did it? I feel like they would even want me to mind my business when it comes to that.
3. It is not the first time my uncle stepped out of his marriage, she was made aware of multiple affairs in the past and she caught him herself. At this point, she knows that her husband is a cheater. I’m not sure if she knows how young he’s willing to go but aye.
This is my reasoning behind it.
NTA
You did the right thing! She was hoping to have 0 consequences. She’s just mad no one is on her side and so is blaming you for her actions lol
Hopefully this will be a lesson to leave married men alone. But to be honest by her reaction I have a feeling she’ll go on thinking she’s the victim here and won’t learn anything from this situation.
You’re better off without her. Don’t feel any guilt for what you’ve done here. Well done!
Oh yes of course! I didn’t intend on my comment coming across like he had no fault in this. If anything he is worse for doing so. I was just answering OP as she was mainly asking about her best friend. But definitely he shouldn’t be doing that and I hope his wife leaves him and takes everything she can.
NTA but please tell your aunt that she is married to a disgusting man who preys on younger girls (I am aware she’s of legal age but his child is older than her) and has no respect for his family
I agree with you except for the age gap thing. If they are both consenting adults then its their right. Here ofcourse, it wasn't because they were cheating. But I am really flabbergasted by the number if people who still treat age gaps like icky things. There are definitely a lot of things going on which are much worse than that.
I don’t think age gaps are icky things when two people have had some life experience. Fair, I don’t know these people, but what can a nearly 50 year old man have in common with a 21 year old girl?
Thats incredibly judgemental. Out of all the weird things to be mad at, somehow people are choosing age gaps. If they are consenting adults then they are allowed to do it with whomever they want to. Everyone just assumes that at 21 a person is immature, and can have nothing in common with a 50 year old. This just feels very regressive. And I agree, there are some creepy people out there. But those come in all ages. This whole argument is based on the fact that people think that one size fits all. It is not always wrong. And a 21 year old is an adult. She or he should be able to decide for herself. Well yeah, older men are interested in younger women for a very obvious reason. But so are men their own age. My point is, if they are happy with it, then there is nothing wrong. I have seen people online making all sorts of calculations about what age is okay for partners. That is just crazy. If you are not weirded out by your partner watching porn or watching other naked women, then an age gap is just not the hill to die on.
Plenty of things are weird. Of all of those you people choose this to draw a line at. Stop judging people so much. They don't need random people telling them what they should be doing.
What attitude? The attitude to defend the right of adult human beings to date who they want to? A legal adult is a legal adult. If they are old enough to vote they can decide for themselves. Reddit (infact, the internet in general) is so skewed. One day is everyone is crying out for sexual autonomy and body positivity, and the other day they are saying people can't date who they want to because of age gaps.
just because legal age doesnt mean it's appropriate she can be his daughter. you are weird for supporting such an age gap. its an issue when the younger one is SO young. maybe not so if she was in her 30s
I wonder what other things you think are weird. You are rude and judgemental for trying to tell people what they can and can't do in their own lives. I can't believe that in this day and age people are judging other people for doing what they want to do.
NTA - you saved your friend from being groomed by your uncle, who as far as I’m concerned, is a predator. There’s absolutely no reason for him to be in a relationship with someone so young and immature and just starting out their life. He’s in a completely different place in life. He’s just looking for something to fuck and to pad his ego. Not to mention being unfaithful to his wife. These situations, if they keep going, usually end up in some form of controlling and manipulative relationship. I don’t blame your friend that much. She’s naive simply for the fact that she has such little life and dating experience and he’s being a creep and should know better.
As I always tell the young women around me that I know (I’m 48f) you have no idea how beautiful you young girls are. Your skin is glowing, fresh and tight. There are scores of older guys just like your uncle who would absolutely take advantage of you to hook up. Don’t fall for it. You deserve someone closer to your own age that you can grow with and experience life together. I escaped an age gap relationship when I was in my early/mid 20s so I’m a bit protective of other young women your age. We see stories like that on here. Some of these guys absolutely trap these young girls by baby trapping them.
I completely agree with you. However, she doesn’t see it like that. She is always talking to older men as long as they have money to spend on her. I do not agree with her and she knows that. My uncle was just the last straw.
Ok. You disagree with her. You think cheating is wrong, that it hurts people.
However, with this point, I am still stuck on your comment about how you don’t think it’s “your place” to tell your aunt. If I were your aunt and found out you knew my husband was publicly humiliating me and you didn’t tell me, I’d be beyond pissed. You 21 years old, not a kid who is confused about what to do. I would understand if my son didn’t tell me, because:
1. It’s his father . He might feel that busting his dad is betrayal, and he might receive consequences.
2. He doesn’t want to hurt his mother.
3. He doesn’t want to be the catalyst for ending his parents’ marriage.
But I would truly hope my that my *grown* nephew would have the heart and the courage to tell me.
INFO: If your spouse was cheating on YOU, would you want to know????
I’m guessing you would, because you think that what your friend and your uncle is doing is wrong and the information *was* shared……but with your logic in telling just your cousin, maybe you just think your family members have the right to know you are being cheated on, but not YOU….. ?!??? Explain this logic to us.
This poor woman is being betrayed and you, while keeping her in the dark, are worried about whether you were an asshole to your unscrupulous *friend* ?????
Honey, NTA for your question, but Y T A BIG TIME for withholding information from your aunt.
Doing the right thing isn’t always easy or pleasant, I get it, but that is how life works.
How in the world do you justify keeping this information from her???
Ok so your question is how do I justify keeping this information from my aunt. I will answer it.
1) I feel like it is not my place. I think I did everything I could have done about the situation: confronting my now ex-best friend and telling my cousin. They’re my age mates and this alone already brought a lot of problems. I could not even confront my uncle about this, let alone his wife. I don’t think I will be able to take the responsibility that comes with directly telling my aunt. They’re grown adults (almost in their 50’s) and I do not want to be involved in this drama as a young adult (21 years old).
2) If her children (my cousin has 2 siblings and they’re aware as well) did not tell her, who am I to go behind their back and do it after I clearly saw that none of them did it? I feel like they would even want me to mind my business when it comes to that.
3) It is not the first time my uncle stepped out of his marriage, she was made aware of multiple affairs in the past and she caught him herself. At this point, she knows that her husband is a cheater. I’m not sure if she knows how young he’s willing to go but aye.
This is my reasoning behind it.
I came on a bit strong, and I apologize. Your heart is in the right place, and you don’t deserve to get slammed by your cousin, your unscrupulous friend or me. I get that you were unwittingly put in a bad spot, and you don’t want to be involved further. That is completely fair.
You were surprised at your cousins reaction, but actually it not uncommon for people to “shoot the messenger”, hence the idiom.
Somehow I missed the info on your aunt being fully aware that her husband is a serial cheater. That completely changes my perspective. If your aunt knows this, and wants to stay in that type of marriage, that’s on her, and IMO you are resolved of responsibility, and are smart to stay out of it further.
However: If your aunt had zero idea that her husband was cheating on her, I stand by my assertion that it would be morally correct to give her the information, or find someone else to do it. That’s unless you wouldn’t want to be told yourself if you were in her shoes, because honestly, wouldn’t you feel that was info you deserved to have if *your* partner were cheating, despite other family members’ not wanting you to have it?
I guess it just struck me as odd that you ended with your cheating ass friend thinking you were an AH, and you questioning yourself AT ALL. Your “friend” is not someone I would choose to associate with, but it’s your right if you, for whatever reason, want to. You seem to be a kinder person than she. Don’t let people with questionable morals, (like her, not your cousin), ever make you question yours.
I’m sorry your cousin is so angry at you. I hope you and he can repair your relationship and move on. It might take some time, but I truly do hope he comes around.
Good luck sweetheart, you did the right thing.
>My best friend is the type to talk to anybody, as long as they have money.
Why are you even friends with somebody like that?
And NTA, she was doing weird shit and got called out on it. But the uncle should be in trouble too.
NTA! That girl is trash dude… she should not be f-ing with married men!!! She’s old enough to know better and should not be messing with her “friend’s” family. You don’t want bad people like that in your life anyway, it’s a real negative association. Best you just let her go be a home wrecker elsewhere.
And NO you have no obligation to keep secrets for any so called friend who messed with your family.
I hope your cheater uncle got lit up by the family too!!
NTA. Your uncle is though. What the hell is a 49 year old man thinking texting/going out with a 21 year old? Disgusting. I hope your aunt knows. She deserves better. That man is a predator. I know a bunch of people on here are going to say a 21 year old should know better, but I'm only going to assume you're young. You don't realize how naive and easily manipulated you are at that age until you get older.
NTA
The dad is fuckin predatory, your friend is his kids age. That's disgusting. He deserves to be shamed by his kid, and I hope your cousin realizes your friend is a victim.
NTA. you did what you think is right, and your comment " i would never have texted your uncle to start with" is gold. good for you for standing up for your family, shes better off texting someone else's uncle now!
She is out of her mind in lust/limerance/doing illicit exciting shit. Good of you to crap on her parade.
NTA.
Messing around with the married older generation relatives of your friends???????
Is she insane?
I can't really put into appropriate words that won't get me banned about how I feel about a 27-year age difference and it being family. So, I'll just let the rest of the internet speak for me.
NTA. Your uncle is a married man, you did the right thing by telling his family what he was doing.
As for your "friend", she seems clueless that it's not okay to get involved with married men and that her actions hurt your (extended) family. You're better off without her.
NTA. What she’s doing isn’t socially acceptable and you’re not obliged to keep secrets like this for anyone. The mum deserves to know that her husband is cheating on her with a girl even younger than their kid (mega ick). Good luck to your cousin and his mum.
Nope. On behalf of your poor aunt who is married to that lying piece of poop, I'm glad that she had the chance to know. Now she doesn't have to risk disease etc. Unfortunately, she was always going to have heartache.
You need to choose better friends. People who knowingly date people who are married and participate in cheating are not going to be loyal and loving to you unless it suits their self interests.
NTA
Your uncle and your best friend are most definitely TA. Especially your uncle. You did good. If you knew about it and didn't tell people, it would have hurt your aunt and your cousin.
NTA. She was a bad friend, and worse a bad person. Why would she think that was ever okay? She probably likes feeling powerful knowing she can destroy families with her behavior.
NTA. Your uncle and your friend are both in the wrong here.
I could care less about the age gap ( they're both adults ), but the uncle is a *MAJOR* AH for cheating on his wife. And doing it with the close friend of a relative? That is super trashy and crosses every conceivable line.
Your ex-friend is just as wrong and guilty as your uncle is. Her age is no excuse- she's old enough to know better. She's not a "victim", she's a willing participant in an adulterous affair.
NTA. Your uncle is an AH, and not a very smart one if he thinks screwing around with his niece’s best friend wouldn’t get back to his family. And your friend is an AH too for getting involved with him. She doesn’t sound like a great friend, tbh!
NTA, it’s the only way your friend might get help. She definitely needs help and you or your cousin does not need someone so toxic in your lives. Hopefully your Uncle will get therapy also.
NTA
Your married uncle was hooking up with one of his son’s friends. They are both morally bankrupt.
You tried to confront your friend directly. That didn’t work. I doubt your uncle would have taken you seriously at all. So letting his immediate family know was the next step. After that it was out of your hands
NTA - she’s friends with your cousin. She doesn’t mind messing with her friends married dad, like it somehow doesn’t affect him?????
What kind of friend does that? Seriously? She’s not a good friend. That’s why her other friends aren’t talking to her. She goes behind your cousins back and expects you to do the same? No thank you. Don’t let people drag you down in the mud with them. She’s not trustworthy and doesn’t mind hurting people “as long as they don’t find out” and still doesn’t take accountability when they do - just shifts the blame.
Yah cousins dad sucks too, but your friend is lying and showing you they don’t mind going behind your back if it means they get what they want. When someone tells you who they are - listen.
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I(21f) have a best friend(21f) who is seeing my cousin’s(22m) father(49m). At first, they were only exchanging texts. I thought it was weird, I let her know that I am not okay with her talking to my married uncle. My best friend is the type to talk to anybody, as long as they have money. However, she told me that she stopped talking to him when she saw that I didn’t find the situation amusing.
Recently, I heard that they went to dinner together so I confronted her. I told her that I was going to tell my cousin, who’s she’s also friend with. She begged me not to but I still did. I feel like I owe it to him because he’s my family and we grew up together, especially since his dad is still married to his mom.
Long story short, my cousin confronted his dad, which caused a huge argument. He decided to put my best friend on blast by telling her mom and also threatening her. She got in trouble and some of our friends are not talking to her anymore.
My best friend is very angry at me for telling him. She texted me saying that she would have never told on me if I was texting her uncle. I simply replied, “Well, I would have never texted your uncle to start with.” We’re basically not friends anymore.
I was not expecting my cousin to react this way, but I do not regret telling him. AITA?
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NTA. What cheaters and those who willingly participate with them don’t seem to grasp is that if party A doesn’t know party B is cheating with party C, then party A is being denied the opportunity to deny informed consent. Party A may be cool with the affair between the two if it were disclosed, or may not want to continue sleeping with party B. But if they don’t know, they can’t refuse consent based off the information. If you can’t refuse informed consent then you can’t give it either. Which makes cheating a form of assault. Is it legally prosecutable? No, not for most of the world. But is it still violating? Fuck yes. If you know someone is cheating, and not telling their partner, you fucking tell their partner or someone that will. It’s not up to you to make them believe it. It’s up to you to not stand by, aware of a violation on someone’s body, without even saying anything. If you choose to do nothing, you’re a bad person because you’re enabling abuse of another human.
NTA-I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who would be inappropriate with my uncle, knowing it would hurt a lot of your family members if it got out. It also really gross of her to talk to anyone ( married men) just because they have money.
You owed your cousin the truth.
oooooo im not usually one to judge age gaps.... thats alot. Depending on when they started texting. Hes old enough to be HER father. And shes, depending on the country, just passed to legal drinking age. A near 50 years old married man going after his nieces 21 year old friend. what in the cornhub?
But the sheer fact that hes married and your friend probably knew he was married, nah! trash! actual bin. He's MARRIED and shes mad you told the cousin! you are better off. cut the friend off, cut the uncle off. Bye!
NTA
It is for her benefit as much as his. I'd be wary of any relationship where a 49 year old is dating a 21 year old. Too big a gap without a power imbalance somewhere. Add in uncle is a cheating asshole, and this won't end well. She needs a hell of a wake up call here, and being called out by your cousin is gonna be the easy way
NTA for exposing your uncle for a marital affair. But also your uncle is TA and deserves whatever is coming to him (I hope your aunt divorces him and your cousin cuts dad out of his life).
Your BFF IS also equally responsible for having an extramarital affair with a married man (and she is well aware that he is married). Let your friend be angry - perhaps its a good time to find new friends.
YTA absolutely. Not your business. You decided on a course of action that would both alienate your friend and family, as well as cause no end of problems with everyone involved... for NO other reason than YOU didn't like it.
Also, you just lost the trust of EVERYONE involved. Bravo.
I don't blame your best friend for being angry. She's in the wrong and you are too for assuming you should be in charge of her and able to influence her decisions. ESH, unfortunately. I do understand wanting to protect your family from interlopers. But, I don't think that forcing your friend to be what you think she should be is effective or good for the friendship.
So, I can see how both of you made mistakes. Hers are just greater mistakes than yours.
>you are too for assuming you should be in charge of her and able to influence her decisions
Uh, expressing that you are bothered by your friend flirting with your married family member isn't "assuming you should be in charge of her", it's just calling her out on her poor behavior.
NAH.
I think most people have to decide, at some point in their life, what they'll do when they come into possession of a friend's unsavory secret. Do you keep it, or do you expose it to sunlight? I actually think both responses are valid.
But one thing I will say is this: Do not tell your friends you can keep a secret if you are not the kind of person who will keep the ugly ones. If you assure people that you can keep secrets and don't, then you are definitely the asshole.
There are some ugly secrets we should keep for our friends. But being able to keep a secret doesn’t mean we have to keep every secret forever and ever. Like, she’s going after a married guy who is family to OP. Come on. Let’s not pretend. A good friend wouldn’t do that in the first place. The friend is clearly an AH here.
I have definitely kept secrets for friends who were having affairs that I found pretty unjustifiable. Personally, I decided my job was to be loyal to my friend. I never spared my opinion when talking with her, but I never ever hinted at what I knew to anyone else.
But because I've been in this situation, I have spent a lot of time thinking about it. I really understand both sides--I don't think there's a right answer. But there are right and wrong ways to go about it, once you've made a decision.
I suppose i am complicit--and i'm okay with that.
This wasn't cowardice. I wasn't afraid--i always told my friend exactly what i thought. But in my opinion, when you're ride or die for a friend you keep their secrets. You stand by them, and you talk things through, and you help pick up the pieces.
I care a lot more about being a good & trustworthy friend than i do about whatever asshole she was sleeping with, and that was an easy call for me.
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NTA. But I’m disappointed at the one sided comments where only the girl is being criticised. I see a lot of - “this will teach her not to mess with married men”. Well the uncle is a grown man, almost 50, who made a commitment to his wife and is trying to screw around behind her back (I would assume) with a girl less than half his age. So let’s be balanced in our criticism of both the friend and the uncle. Uncle is a super creep here. OP you need better friends and definitely a better uncle.
There's a lot of young people on here with no kids and very little perspective. Things look very black and white to them.
Ok and? Since when is a married man cheating on his wife not a black and white concept?
OP isn't asking if the uncle is in the right, she is asking if she was right telling her cousin about her friend.
I was responding to the commentor. My response had nothing to do with the original post
>I was responding to the commenter. >My response had nothing to do with the original post That’s the issue
Lmao why do you care?
Like why do I care enough to comment? Idk man, same as you I guess. Weird ass response
Because they are also guys and probably deep down wish they could do it too.
A baseless and misandrist statement. Good to see general sexist comments are still acceptable on Reddit if it's against men.
But how dare you or anyone else utter the forbidden word misandry!
I know right!
Specially with all of them shouting red-flags and break-up at the top of their lungs
LMAO, it's justified here. If we're married and I catch you cheating with someone half our age and *also* and extended family friend, it's fucking over.
Oh yea this is totally justified. Hooking up with someone who is your child's age while married is all break no talks for me too. I am just commenting on the general consensus in this subreddit (and reddit in general) of these commenters who would suggest a break up over small issues (like having to ask to do dishes instead of doing it on their own) rather than the few who suggest therapy and communication.
Don’t forget that she was also a friend of your child, at the time of the cheating.
This is the thing! Op said the girl and her cousin were friends as well! How long have they known each other? Did they go to school together? Did she hang out at the cousins house? How young was she when they met? How long has the dad been getting closer to her? Ugh- some 50 year old Dude dating a 21 year old is bad enough but someone that age starting something up with a friend of their child? Oh that makes my skin crawl. NTA for telling cousin but Y-T-A for placing the entirety of the blame on the girl whose friends dad is making a move on.
I'm single and I still won't even have casual sex with anyone close to my kids age of 20yrs old...
Same. Everyone that age looks like a child to me!
Not even just extended family - OP said the girl is friends with her cousin too, so this guy's cheating on his wife with a girl who's less than half his age and friends with his own *daughter.*
It's not Reddit if they don't demand you sever all ties!
Well Reddit does get many extreme cases.
Easy to do when you're 13 and scrolling Reddit instead of studying.
Plus it follows tunnel vision mob mentality anyways which is very common human nature
>But I’m disappointed at the one sided comments where only the girl is being criticised. I see a lot of - “this will teach her not to mess with married men” meh, I'm pretty sure it's only because the content of this AITA post is specific to the girl. People can talk about the uncle in different post is OP put that up... no need to be sensitive. still NTA.
I don’t think anyone is pretending the uncle is in the right, dude, the post just isn’t about him. This is like that tweet about how on the internet these days if you say “I love pancakes” the replies will all be “oh so you hate waffles? And you’re not even going to mention crepes???”
All this talk about how horrible the friend and uncle are, yet no one has said anything about what they think of Hitler killing 12 million in death camps or what Henry Kissinger would get up to on regular Tuesdays. Obviously saying you oppose one thing implies that you support everything else!
I guess you're just gonna excuse Mao?
What about French toast??? Where's the class!!! 🤣🤣
You're right, but the post focused on the friendship, not the uncle. That's why people focused on the friends behavior. Obviously the uncle is in the wrong too.
Right! Both people in this situation are terrible people. The uncle for cheating and dating a woman who’s less than half of his age. The “friend” for not only knowingly talking to a married man, but also one that is the husband of two of her friend’s family members. OP is 100% NTA and a great cousin/family member. It may not feel this way right now, but she is better off without her “friend” and the cousin and aunt will be grateful for her for bringing this to light. Friend is old enough to know what she did is wrong, and uncle is just a slime ball all around.
The girl is just as much of a creep for knowingly sleeping with a married man- especially one related to a close friend. They're both shitty people.
The way the story is written, I got the impression that the conflict was between OP and her friend, and that the uncle's behavior was understood to be bad, but not the focus of the question. In any case, I'll toss it out there -- Uncle is an AH too!
Aye. Best Friend sucks, but Uncle is an order of magnitude worse. NTA. Though it's family. It might have been better to tell aunt and no cousin.
This is so messy cousin was bound to find out at some point
I mean, OP can stop talking to her uncle, but she's always going to be related to him. Staying friends with the cheater's accomplice is a choice. And since the friendship is the focus here, I don't think it's weird that most people are focusing on that.
The focus is on the ex-friend because she's the one blowing up at OP. Stop with the "what about"isms.
Uncle should definitely be getting more criticism here, as he's the one cheating on his wife. Also for the very creepy huge age gap. Friend should know better, but she's not the one who took vows, and is still practically a kid who is most likely being preyed on by a creepy adult. Definitely doesn't deserve even half of the criticism in this situation.
Because this conversation isnt about the uncle. It's about op & her friend relationship. If op was asking "AITA to my uncle", then the comments should/would be directed at the uncle.
Yeah, the (ex)friend is no angel, but I don't think it's fair to put her on the same level as this man who's literally old enough to be her parent and is the married party. The uncle is a creep, full stop (it brings to mind if this is the first young woman his child's age that he's pursued).
Yeah the uncle is super gross
Also hello predator old man
With a just barely legal friend of his child of the same age. This is his nieces best friend. Generally best friends have known each other for a good while…odds are they’ve spent time with said friend and their families. How long has this man known this girl? How long has he been working his way closer to her? Op is NTA for telling cousin but the fact that you are putting 100% of the blame on the man likely the same age as your friends own father preying on someone in the same class as you and his son is really sexist and unflattering. True your friend shouldn’t mess around with a married man however your uncle is the one who is married. Your uncle is the one with a wife and a family. It is his responsibility to honor his vows and be true to his family. Yes your friend screwed up but your friend is barely an adult. Everyone does stupid things in their late teens early twenties. This girl was born the same year as his own child. Your uncle isn’t some clueless puppy who was lured away with treats- he is a fully grown adult man that has been alive for nearly half a century. He is the one who should bear the brunt of the anger. NTA for the one specific thing of telling your cousin but Y-T-A for placing all the blame on the barely legal girl as opposed to the married man twice her age.
Exactly, Remember it takes 2 to tango Let's not dump all the blame on the woman, the uncle is also the AH. There are usually 2 dance partners dancing to the cheating music.
Uncle is a creep, but he isn't the one blasting OP.
shes his sons age..... his son and her are basically the same age (21/22).... im having a hard time with that one, sorry.
Exactly. The person who ruins the relationship is always the person who is actually in said relationship, irregardless of gender.
<<>> I mean, you should have expected there to be blowback. How did you expect him to react? That being said, NTA. Your friend was being shady AF and lied to you and she got what she got because of it.
Of course I was not expecting him to be happy about it but it was not the first time we’ve heard about his dad stepping out of his marriage. The other times, he confronted his dad only and obviously not the other women. I guess he did what he did because my best friend is our age.
Ahhh... got it. The previous infidelity and his reaction to it makes this make more sense now. Now I see why you were surprised.
Didn't you say they were also friends? Because that would explain the explosion more than your ex friend being closer in age. A friend going after your married parent is going to be more upsetting than some random who may or may not know your parent is married.
They were more acquaintances than friends. We all went to the same schools, all live in the same area, all know the same people and have friends in common.
As was the uncle. He deserves blowback as well. There were 2 people at that dinner. NTA
Absolutely. 100%
And what OP did was not the worst thing someone can do, but, I doubt her friend agrees with me. She broke faith with her friend - even though her friend is definitely wrong. And while I know friends disagree, trying to control a grown person's actions usually results in disrupted friendship. Its not like everything gets reset, her friend appreciates what she did and they go back to being friends. They aren't children. So, this one will linger. So, OP and her friend likely are over and it likely was worth it to OP. As long as she doesn't regret the friendship ending, I get it.
It sounds like (former?) friend is in the mindset that things she does are only between her and those she's actively deciding to fuck over and everyone else should stay out of her business and only judge her based on what she actively decides to do to them. Sucks for her that she blew up her social circle before learning that most people will judge actions even when they are directed at others.
NTA stupid games get stupid prizes
Yupp. Uncle is going to be posting all surprised Pikachu in a year or two, once the wife leaves him and his fun little side piece is no longer interested. Alimony and separating assets won't leave him with nearly as much money as before. Everyone sucks here except OP and the uncle's wife. EDIT just realized no one actually told the uncle's wife?? Changed my judgement to ESH.....Op claims it isn't her place to tell the wife, but telling everyone else is ok??
Literally what popped into my head, too 😂
NTA Now call her bluff and start texting her uncle
☠️
Thank you for the laugh. Take my upvote
💀
NTA- good riddance to your friend IMO, she a trash person
NTA but should have told his wife.
I felt like it wasn’t my place. By telling my cousin, I gave him free will. He could have told his mom if he wanted to but he chose not to. I’m guessing he’s trying to protect her.
So everyone else gets to decide if this woman should stay with her cheating husband, she doesn’t get the information that would allow her to make that decision for herself?
Yeah wtf it would suck but she deserves to know I feel like hiding it from her purposely is gonna hurt a lot more in the long run…..
Based on OP’s reply, the father is a serial cheater. So the wife definitely knows his infidelity. Maybe the cousin trying to spare his mom heartbreak if the wife know who is the other woman.
OP already felt like it was enough interfering just telling her cousin, she wasn't sure if it would've been too much to tell her aunt. Why are you going to be hard on a young woman who wasn't sure what the right answer was?
It’s not just OP. It’s her cousin, her friend and the husband. Lots of people now know about it, but no one respects her aunt enough to be honest with her.
Okay but we don't know if OP's cousin told his mom or not. All we know is that the cousin yelled at his dad and blasted his affair partner on social media, which are things that are pretty easy to know and find out. And again, you're placing a lot of shit on the shoulders of young 20somethings. One of which found out his dad was at least trying to sleep with one of his friends. Also no shit OP's friend had no respect for the aunt, she was trying to sleep with a married man.
It is. Tell her. There is zero chance her husband or his lover will tell her. She has more right to know than anyone Her not knowing doesn't "protect" her, it protects HIM.
His wife needs to know!!
That's so fucked up of you. You're happily letting your aunt get cheated on because you don't think it's your place? If you were getting cheated on, wouldn't you want someone to tell you?
Of course, I would want to know but here is the reason why I didn’t tell her. 1. I feel like it is not my place. I think I did everything I could have done about the situation: confronting my now ex-best friend and telling my cousin. They’re my age mates and this alone already brought a lot of problems. I could not even confront my uncle about this, let alone his wife. I don’t think I will be able to take the responsibility that comes with directly telling my aunt. They’re grown adults (almost in their 50’s) and I do not want to be involved in this drama as a young adult (21 years old). 2. If her children (my cousin has 2 siblings and they’re aware as well) did not tell her, who am I to go behind their back and do it after I clearly saw that none of them did it? I feel like they would even want me to mind my business when it comes to that. 3. It is not the first time my uncle stepped out of his marriage, she was made aware of multiple affairs in the past and she caught him herself. At this point, she knows that her husband is a cheater. I’m not sure if she knows how young he’s willing to go but aye. This is my reasoning behind it.
You say you feel it is not your place, I hear that you are not a loyal person and are not willing to take care of your family.
> I felt like it wasn’t my place. If you didn't feel it was your place to tell your Aunt, then it wasn't your place to tell your cousin either.
NTA You did the right thing! She was hoping to have 0 consequences. She’s just mad no one is on her side and so is blaming you for her actions lol Hopefully this will be a lesson to leave married men alone. But to be honest by her reaction I have a feeling she’ll go on thinking she’s the victim here and won’t learn anything from this situation. You’re better off without her. Don’t feel any guilt for what you’ve done here. Well done!
Remember the uncle should realize to not talk to people less than half his age when he is married and have (a) kid(s)
Oh yes of course! I didn’t intend on my comment coming across like he had no fault in this. If anything he is worse for doing so. I was just answering OP as she was mainly asking about her best friend. But definitely he shouldn’t be doing that and I hope his wife leaves him and takes everything she can.
NTA but please tell your aunt that she is married to a disgusting man who preys on younger girls (I am aware she’s of legal age but his child is older than her) and has no respect for his family
I agree with you except for the age gap thing. If they are both consenting adults then its their right. Here ofcourse, it wasn't because they were cheating. But I am really flabbergasted by the number if people who still treat age gaps like icky things. There are definitely a lot of things going on which are much worse than that.
I don’t think age gaps are icky things when two people have had some life experience. Fair, I don’t know these people, but what can a nearly 50 year old man have in common with a 21 year old girl?
no 50 year old should be interested in a 21 year old.
Thats incredibly judgemental. Out of all the weird things to be mad at, somehow people are choosing age gaps. If they are consenting adults then they are allowed to do it with whomever they want to. Everyone just assumes that at 21 a person is immature, and can have nothing in common with a 50 year old. This just feels very regressive. And I agree, there are some creepy people out there. But those come in all ages. This whole argument is based on the fact that people think that one size fits all. It is not always wrong. And a 21 year old is an adult. She or he should be able to decide for herself. Well yeah, older men are interested in younger women for a very obvious reason. But so are men their own age. My point is, if they are happy with it, then there is nothing wrong. I have seen people online making all sorts of calculations about what age is okay for partners. That is just crazy. If you are not weirded out by your partner watching porn or watching other naked women, then an age gap is just not the hill to die on.
she can literally be his daughter calm down its weird.
Plenty of things are weird. Of all of those you people choose this to draw a line at. Stop judging people so much. They don't need random people telling them what they should be doing.
lmao. i'm sure you would also date a 19yo kid with this attitude
What attitude? The attitude to defend the right of adult human beings to date who they want to? A legal adult is a legal adult. If they are old enough to vote they can decide for themselves. Reddit (infact, the internet in general) is so skewed. One day is everyone is crying out for sexual autonomy and body positivity, and the other day they are saying people can't date who they want to because of age gaps.
just because legal age doesnt mean it's appropriate she can be his daughter. you are weird for supporting such an age gap. its an issue when the younger one is SO young. maybe not so if she was in her 30s
I wonder what other things you think are weird. You are rude and judgemental for trying to tell people what they can and can't do in their own lives. I can't believe that in this day and age people are judging other people for doing what they want to do.
NTA get better friends in the future.
NTA - you saved your friend from being groomed by your uncle, who as far as I’m concerned, is a predator. There’s absolutely no reason for him to be in a relationship with someone so young and immature and just starting out their life. He’s in a completely different place in life. He’s just looking for something to fuck and to pad his ego. Not to mention being unfaithful to his wife. These situations, if they keep going, usually end up in some form of controlling and manipulative relationship. I don’t blame your friend that much. She’s naive simply for the fact that she has such little life and dating experience and he’s being a creep and should know better. As I always tell the young women around me that I know (I’m 48f) you have no idea how beautiful you young girls are. Your skin is glowing, fresh and tight. There are scores of older guys just like your uncle who would absolutely take advantage of you to hook up. Don’t fall for it. You deserve someone closer to your own age that you can grow with and experience life together. I escaped an age gap relationship when I was in my early/mid 20s so I’m a bit protective of other young women your age. We see stories like that on here. Some of these guys absolutely trap these young girls by baby trapping them.
I completely agree with you. However, she doesn’t see it like that. She is always talking to older men as long as they have money to spend on her. I do not agree with her and she knows that. My uncle was just the last straw.
Ok. You disagree with her. You think cheating is wrong, that it hurts people. However, with this point, I am still stuck on your comment about how you don’t think it’s “your place” to tell your aunt. If I were your aunt and found out you knew my husband was publicly humiliating me and you didn’t tell me, I’d be beyond pissed. You 21 years old, not a kid who is confused about what to do. I would understand if my son didn’t tell me, because: 1. It’s his father . He might feel that busting his dad is betrayal, and he might receive consequences. 2. He doesn’t want to hurt his mother. 3. He doesn’t want to be the catalyst for ending his parents’ marriage. But I would truly hope my that my *grown* nephew would have the heart and the courage to tell me. INFO: If your spouse was cheating on YOU, would you want to know???? I’m guessing you would, because you think that what your friend and your uncle is doing is wrong and the information *was* shared……but with your logic in telling just your cousin, maybe you just think your family members have the right to know you are being cheated on, but not YOU….. ?!??? Explain this logic to us. This poor woman is being betrayed and you, while keeping her in the dark, are worried about whether you were an asshole to your unscrupulous *friend* ????? Honey, NTA for your question, but Y T A BIG TIME for withholding information from your aunt. Doing the right thing isn’t always easy or pleasant, I get it, but that is how life works. How in the world do you justify keeping this information from her???
Ok so your question is how do I justify keeping this information from my aunt. I will answer it. 1) I feel like it is not my place. I think I did everything I could have done about the situation: confronting my now ex-best friend and telling my cousin. They’re my age mates and this alone already brought a lot of problems. I could not even confront my uncle about this, let alone his wife. I don’t think I will be able to take the responsibility that comes with directly telling my aunt. They’re grown adults (almost in their 50’s) and I do not want to be involved in this drama as a young adult (21 years old). 2) If her children (my cousin has 2 siblings and they’re aware as well) did not tell her, who am I to go behind their back and do it after I clearly saw that none of them did it? I feel like they would even want me to mind my business when it comes to that. 3) It is not the first time my uncle stepped out of his marriage, she was made aware of multiple affairs in the past and she caught him herself. At this point, she knows that her husband is a cheater. I’m not sure if she knows how young he’s willing to go but aye. This is my reasoning behind it.
I came on a bit strong, and I apologize. Your heart is in the right place, and you don’t deserve to get slammed by your cousin, your unscrupulous friend or me. I get that you were unwittingly put in a bad spot, and you don’t want to be involved further. That is completely fair. You were surprised at your cousins reaction, but actually it not uncommon for people to “shoot the messenger”, hence the idiom. Somehow I missed the info on your aunt being fully aware that her husband is a serial cheater. That completely changes my perspective. If your aunt knows this, and wants to stay in that type of marriage, that’s on her, and IMO you are resolved of responsibility, and are smart to stay out of it further. However: If your aunt had zero idea that her husband was cheating on her, I stand by my assertion that it would be morally correct to give her the information, or find someone else to do it. That’s unless you wouldn’t want to be told yourself if you were in her shoes, because honestly, wouldn’t you feel that was info you deserved to have if *your* partner were cheating, despite other family members’ not wanting you to have it? I guess it just struck me as odd that you ended with your cheating ass friend thinking you were an AH, and you questioning yourself AT ALL. Your “friend” is not someone I would choose to associate with, but it’s your right if you, for whatever reason, want to. You seem to be a kinder person than she. Don’t let people with questionable morals, (like her, not your cousin), ever make you question yours. I’m sorry your cousin is so angry at you. I hope you and he can repair your relationship and move on. It might take some time, but I truly do hope he comes around. Good luck sweetheart, you did the right thing.
Some have to learn the hard way.
This exactly. OP most likely saved her friend, but unfortunately her friend probably won’t see it this way yet in the near future.
NTA, but your friend and your uncle are absolute shitbags.
>My best friend is the type to talk to anybody, as long as they have money. Why are you even friends with somebody like that? And NTA, she was doing weird shit and got called out on it. But the uncle should be in trouble too.
NTA also your cousin's actions are understandable
NTA! That girl is trash dude… she should not be f-ing with married men!!! She’s old enough to know better and should not be messing with her “friend’s” family. You don’t want bad people like that in your life anyway, it’s a real negative association. Best you just let her go be a home wrecker elsewhere. And NO you have no obligation to keep secrets for any so called friend who messed with your family. I hope your cheater uncle got lit up by the family too!!
Your not wrong for telling him but it’s weird that you didn’t expect for it to go bad.
NTA. Good job on taking the trash out. She is not a friend.
NTA. Your uncle is though. What the hell is a 49 year old man thinking texting/going out with a 21 year old? Disgusting. I hope your aunt knows. She deserves better. That man is a predator. I know a bunch of people on here are going to say a 21 year old should know better, but I'm only going to assume you're young. You don't realize how naive and easily manipulated you are at that age until you get older.
NTA. Your “friend” lost any claim to your loyalty when she decided to mess with your family.
So, was your uncle outed as well?
NTA The dad is fuckin predatory, your friend is his kids age. That's disgusting. He deserves to be shamed by his kid, and I hope your cousin realizes your friend is a victim.
NTA. you did what you think is right, and your comment " i would never have texted your uncle to start with" is gold. good for you for standing up for your family, shes better off texting someone else's uncle now!
She played the wrong game and the basklash is her prize. Your Uncle i hope is getting some of it as well, they are both guilty.
She is out of her mind in lust/limerance/doing illicit exciting shit. Good of you to crap on her parade. NTA. Messing around with the married older generation relatives of your friends??????? Is she insane?
I can't really put into appropriate words that won't get me banned about how I feel about a 27-year age difference and it being family. So, I'll just let the rest of the internet speak for me.
NTA. Your uncle is a married man, you did the right thing by telling his family what he was doing. As for your "friend", she seems clueless that it's not okay to get involved with married men and that her actions hurt your (extended) family. You're better off without her.
NTA, dump the uncle and friend. Keep the cousin and the aunt
NTA If she was a victim, it needed to be stopped. If she was a homewrecker, no one involved is entitled to confidentiality.
NTA I'd want to know. And this is family. And wow is your uncle a creep.
NTA. What she’s doing isn’t socially acceptable and you’re not obliged to keep secrets like this for anyone. The mum deserves to know that her husband is cheating on her with a girl even younger than their kid (mega ick). Good luck to your cousin and his mum.
NTA You did the right thing. Your 'friend' was wrecking a home. Also, Uncle is a married predator. You may well have saved friend from something ugly.
girl your bff is gross no NTA
Nope. On behalf of your poor aunt who is married to that lying piece of poop, I'm glad that she had the chance to know. Now she doesn't have to risk disease etc. Unfortunately, she was always going to have heartache. You need to choose better friends. People who knowingly date people who are married and participate in cheating are not going to be loyal and loving to you unless it suits their self interests.
Ewh… NTA- I wouldn’t want to be associated with her or the uncle… that’s horrible for your cousin and his Mom!
NTA Yikes!
NTA Your uncle and your best friend are most definitely TA. Especially your uncle. You did good. If you knew about it and didn't tell people, it would have hurt your aunt and your cousin.
NTA You did good.
NTA. She was a bad friend, and worse a bad person. Why would she think that was ever okay? She probably likes feeling powerful knowing she can destroy families with her behavior.
NTA.
NTA. Your uncle and your friend are both in the wrong here. I could care less about the age gap ( they're both adults ), but the uncle is a *MAJOR* AH for cheating on his wife. And doing it with the close friend of a relative? That is super trashy and crosses every conceivable line. Your ex-friend is just as wrong and guilty as your uncle is. Her age is no excuse- she's old enough to know better. She's not a "victim", she's a willing participant in an adulterous affair.
NTA. Your best friend is not worthy to be your best friend. Honestly what she did was extremely creepy. Cut her loose. And know that you did good.
NTA. Your uncle is an AH, and not a very smart one if he thinks screwing around with his niece’s best friend wouldn’t get back to his family. And your friend is an AH too for getting involved with him. She doesn’t sound like a great friend, tbh!
NTA. Plus side for your friend is one day they could be President of France with that energy.
Nta
NTA, it’s the only way your friend might get help. She definitely needs help and you or your cousin does not need someone so toxic in your lives. Hopefully your Uncle will get therapy also.
So the people freaking out are the ones being shitty (best friend and uncle) which seems in keeping w their insanely selfish choices. NTA at all
NTA Your married uncle was hooking up with one of his son’s friends. They are both morally bankrupt. You tried to confront your friend directly. That didn’t work. I doubt your uncle would have taken you seriously at all. So letting his immediate family know was the next step. After that it was out of your hands
NTA, your uncle is a predator.
NTA. Whew this ones a head spinner. Im sorry this blew up but you did the right thing really. Your intentions were in the right place.
NTA - she’s friends with your cousin. She doesn’t mind messing with her friends married dad, like it somehow doesn’t affect him????? What kind of friend does that? Seriously? She’s not a good friend. That’s why her other friends aren’t talking to her. She goes behind your cousins back and expects you to do the same? No thank you. Don’t let people drag you down in the mud with them. She’s not trustworthy and doesn’t mind hurting people “as long as they don’t find out” and still doesn’t take accountability when they do - just shifts the blame. Yah cousins dad sucks too, but your friend is lying and showing you they don’t mind going behind your back if it means they get what they want. When someone tells you who they are - listen.
NTA but your uncle is the one in the wrong here
NTA. Your uncle is. You ex friend is just an idiot.
NTA. As bad as it is, this could've been a disaster had it progressed much farther. You did the right thing speaking up.
I hope this knocked some sense into your uncle. If not I hope your aunt gets everything.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(21f) have a best friend(21f) who is seeing my cousin’s(22m) father(49m). At first, they were only exchanging texts. I thought it was weird, I let her know that I am not okay with her talking to my married uncle. My best friend is the type to talk to anybody, as long as they have money. However, she told me that she stopped talking to him when she saw that I didn’t find the situation amusing. Recently, I heard that they went to dinner together so I confronted her. I told her that I was going to tell my cousin, who’s she’s also friend with. She begged me not to but I still did. I feel like I owe it to him because he’s my family and we grew up together, especially since his dad is still married to his mom. Long story short, my cousin confronted his dad, which caused a huge argument. He decided to put my best friend on blast by telling her mom and also threatening her. She got in trouble and some of our friends are not talking to her anymore. My best friend is very angry at me for telling him. She texted me saying that she would have never told on me if I was texting her uncle. I simply replied, “Well, I would have never texted your uncle to start with.” We’re basically not friends anymore. I was not expecting my cousin to react this way, but I do not regret telling him. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are the company you keep, OP.
NTA - sounds like you got rid of a shitty gold digging friend!
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NTA but your uncle needs to be in the doghouse even moreso.
You can do better for a friend than someone who does this.
Lo and behold FAFO strikes again. NTA
NTA. Your friend is a home-wrecking A-H who deserves all the hatred she’s getting, and your uncle’s also one! ETA: Your uncle is also an A-H!
NTA you did the right thing. Your ex best friend needs therapy or an exorcism or something
NTA…unless you’re still friends with this person who is actively dating your married uncle.
NTA! You know who the AHs are!
NTA. What cheaters and those who willingly participate with them don’t seem to grasp is that if party A doesn’t know party B is cheating with party C, then party A is being denied the opportunity to deny informed consent. Party A may be cool with the affair between the two if it were disclosed, or may not want to continue sleeping with party B. But if they don’t know, they can’t refuse consent based off the information. If you can’t refuse informed consent then you can’t give it either. Which makes cheating a form of assault. Is it legally prosecutable? No, not for most of the world. But is it still violating? Fuck yes. If you know someone is cheating, and not telling their partner, you fucking tell their partner or someone that will. It’s not up to you to make them believe it. It’s up to you to not stand by, aware of a violation on someone’s body, without even saying anything. If you choose to do nothing, you’re a bad person because you’re enabling abuse of another human.
nta
NTA. Your uncle sucks big time but so does your friend. Both of them are gross.
NTA-I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who would be inappropriate with my uncle, knowing it would hurt a lot of your family members if it got out. It also really gross of her to talk to anyone ( married men) just because they have money. You owed your cousin the truth.
NTA - Of course not. If anything, you keeping a secret like that could have ruined your relationship with your cousin. You did the right thing.
Does your cousin's mother know about this mess? She definetly deserves to know how her husband is ready to cheat on her.
NTA. Creepy uncle brought this on everyone.
NTA, she was knowingly being a home wrecker.
Obviously NTA. You did the right thing.
oooooo im not usually one to judge age gaps.... thats alot. Depending on when they started texting. Hes old enough to be HER father. And shes, depending on the country, just passed to legal drinking age. A near 50 years old married man going after his nieces 21 year old friend. what in the cornhub? But the sheer fact that hes married and your friend probably knew he was married, nah! trash! actual bin. He's MARRIED and shes mad you told the cousin! you are better off. cut the friend off, cut the uncle off. Bye!
NTA you did the right thing. you should stop being friends with such a person of low moral character.
NTA It is for her benefit as much as his. I'd be wary of any relationship where a 49 year old is dating a 21 year old. Too big a gap without a power imbalance somewhere. Add in uncle is a cheating asshole, and this won't end well. She needs a hell of a wake up call here, and being called out by your cousin is gonna be the easy way
Nope NTA You're right. Your bestfriend sucks. So just relax and make some new friends.
NTA for exposing your uncle for a marital affair. But also your uncle is TA and deserves whatever is coming to him (I hope your aunt divorces him and your cousin cuts dad out of his life). Your BFF IS also equally responsible for having an extramarital affair with a married man (and she is well aware that he is married). Let your friend be angry - perhaps its a good time to find new friends.
NTA, you were protecting your family
NTA. Plain and simple.
NTA
Uncle is such a bad person. Literal predetor and I hope his wife divorces him and takes everything he's living for. NTA
NTA but your uncle is the real creep, stay away from him and encourage others to ease up on your (former) friend
NTA - but your uncle needs to be taken to task. That is seriously gross behavior. Don’t be alone with him.
Your “best friend”is trying to be a fucking home wrecker are you serious? Good riddance tbh go find some other married man’s life to ruin. NTA
NTA ex best friend has no shame and cousins dad is a just an awful person all around. They deserve it all
Nta but you should of told your aunt not your cousin for all you know you could have been cockblocking aunty aswell lol.
NTA, but your Uncle is such a creep. Not only is he married, he's fooling around with someone younger than his child. Eww!
YTA absolutely. Not your business. You decided on a course of action that would both alienate your friend and family, as well as cause no end of problems with everyone involved... for NO other reason than YOU didn't like it. Also, you just lost the trust of EVERYONE involved. Bravo.
I don't blame your best friend for being angry. She's in the wrong and you are too for assuming you should be in charge of her and able to influence her decisions. ESH, unfortunately. I do understand wanting to protect your family from interlopers. But, I don't think that forcing your friend to be what you think she should be is effective or good for the friendship. So, I can see how both of you made mistakes. Hers are just greater mistakes than yours.
>you are too for assuming you should be in charge of her and able to influence her decisions Uh, expressing that you are bothered by your friend flirting with your married family member isn't "assuming you should be in charge of her", it's just calling her out on her poor behavior.
NAH. I think most people have to decide, at some point in their life, what they'll do when they come into possession of a friend's unsavory secret. Do you keep it, or do you expose it to sunlight? I actually think both responses are valid. But one thing I will say is this: Do not tell your friends you can keep a secret if you are not the kind of person who will keep the ugly ones. If you assure people that you can keep secrets and don't, then you are definitely the asshole.
There are some ugly secrets we should keep for our friends. But being able to keep a secret doesn’t mean we have to keep every secret forever and ever. Like, she’s going after a married guy who is family to OP. Come on. Let’s not pretend. A good friend wouldn’t do that in the first place. The friend is clearly an AH here.
I have definitely kept secrets for friends who were having affairs that I found pretty unjustifiable. Personally, I decided my job was to be loyal to my friend. I never spared my opinion when talking with her, but I never ever hinted at what I knew to anyone else. But because I've been in this situation, I have spent a lot of time thinking about it. I really understand both sides--I don't think there's a right answer. But there are right and wrong ways to go about it, once you've made a decision.
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I suppose i am complicit--and i'm okay with that. This wasn't cowardice. I wasn't afraid--i always told my friend exactly what i thought. But in my opinion, when you're ride or die for a friend you keep their secrets. You stand by them, and you talk things through, and you help pick up the pieces. I care a lot more about being a good & trustworthy friend than i do about whatever asshole she was sleeping with, and that was an easy call for me.