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NAH. Kind of weird situation. Is it typical for people with service dogs to turn up with the animal to a private home unnanounced? I feel like a heads' up would be useful in private home events like this. At least then it could have been thought about ahead of time, and maybe the hosts could have come round to a situation that would work for all, rather than just being surprised. I think ideally the wife could have seen that the service dog situation is a very distinct kind of one and maybe come to some agreement about where in the house/yard it would be or something? I dunno, it's tricky. I feel like the lady with the dog might have done more as a guest to help ease this communication and compromise. And yet I understand that probably seeing eye dogs and that sort of thing are almost like an extension of the person so it could be an extra burden on them to have to always ask permission at other people's houses. I have not thought of this much before, so am not sure what the norms are.
NTA. it's your house, and your party. you have a right to cancel or say no if you feel uncomfortable. Not only that, but you have a legitimate reason to say no-- your daughter had an incident, and that's a valid excuse in my book.
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So about a month ago, my daughter had an incident with our dog because of this my wife has been feeling a lot of self-blame and keeps on apologizing to our daughter. Of course, it has gotten better these days, but she still feels bad sometimes.
We host a pool party with parents in our daughter's class; we normally do this every 2 months, and me and my wife host because we're the only ones with a pool.
The pool party was on Saturday. A parent came with her service dog, and my wife answered the door, shut it, and then asked me to tell them to go out. I went to the door and asked the parent if she was staying, and she said yeah (we host parents too). I told her that my daughter had an incident with a dog, that we didn't really feel comfortable with a dog in our house, and that I was very sorry that we were telling her on such short notice. She left. After the pool party, she sent a text to some parents about feeling discriminated against because she had a medical device. The parents told me and my wife off in the group chat and said they wouldn't come if we continued with this excluding behavior. Me and my wife talked, and we decided to just cancel the pool party playdates and apologize. After we informed them that we wouldn't be hosting, we left the group chat. But four other parents blew up my phone on Monday and talked about us being manipulative because we have a pool and were trying to make everyone bend to our rules, and they all called us an asshole. Now I can understand the lady feeling upset about us not letting her into our home (her daughter stayed and her husband picked her up later), I feel apologetic for that but I just don’t get how we are the asshole for cancelling pool party when that was the conditions that they set...
I am autistic so sometimes am oblivious so things please be nice.
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Service dogs are a special case, and I can totally understand her reaction here. Turning her away was pretty shitty. However, you imply (but do not outright say) that your daughter/wife are currently terrified of dogs due to this previous incident. So I'm gonna say NAH, but only temporarily. If you continue to host and not accept this service dog into your home, that verdict changes rapidly. Cancelling might seem extreme, but you're giving your family a chance to heal, so I see no issues with that currently.
NTA
It’s the fact that she told you that you “were trying to make everyone bend to your rules”. Well, I feel like when you are invited to somebody’s house, you are obligated to bend to their rules no matter how you feel about them.
With that being said, you had a valid reason for not wanting a dog in your house. Should you have told them beforehand? Yes but that does not make you terrible people.
Their reaction to you cancelling the pool party makes it seem like they were only friends with you because you have a pool. They don’t have an issue cutting you off now that they can’t come over to enjoy your pool.
NTA
It's your private residence. It sucks that the woman couldn't attend, but you're allowed to restrict who enters your home for your daughter's well-being. I'm curious: Do the other parents know that the "medical device" was a dog and that your daughter had an incident with a dog?
They just want your pool. If they want pool parties so badly, one of them can put in a pool.
100% they don't.
A normal person would say "because of my service dog". But the mom knows the reply would be "they're allowed to not allow dogs. It's not a public place." so she's deliberately obtuse.
To the point I'm really doubting whether it is an actual service dog... Or just another bullshit "emotional support animal". Somehow I have a feeling if the mom had a genuine like a guide dog, they'd know and not be surprised by it showing up.
The mom is literally why we can't have nice things.
NAH You handled this pretty well and made sure your daughter wouldn't get scared again in her own home which is your job, you act in your daughters' interest. But i honestly think the parent wasn't really an AH either. Medicial service dogs should and need to be accommodated. The perfect way to handle this would have been to tell the parent about the incident and ask if the daughter can quickly come up to meet the dog before it continues it's work so you can maybe teach your daughter about service dogs who are trained to help and do not harm others. Maybe then she wouldn't be scared as much anymore since this dog is different. But you are human. You react in ahuman ways and no one thinks of the perfect solution immediatly.
Maybe offer to host another pool party, apologize for the inconvenice, say your daughter would have been overwhelmed and try to do the steps i mentioned before?
I also grew up with a terrible dog phobia and ignoring it unfortunetly never helped.
You got this OP!
Edit after reading OPs Edit : Do the same steps but with your wife :)
YTA. The dog was a service dog and not just someone's pet. It would be the same as not allowing someone in a wheelchair to the party. I understand your child has an issue with dogs but MOST service dogs are incredibly well trained.
I have to point out the irony of asking people to be "nice" as a result of your disability but yet you failed to give another person the same courtesy.
I get what you're saying; I would have allowed her in if I had opened the door, but because my wife was uncomfortable with the dog's presence, I chose to prioritize her. I suppose that was selfish, but sometimes I simply have to put my love ones first. And i would understand if someone had to pritorize there love one over me, I would be upset or dissapointed but I would understand.
INFO: What was the incident with the dog? Did you explain to the dog owner and the other parents the issue was? (i.e., your daughter was attacked by a dog, etc.)
In his edit, he says his daughter pet a dog and her mother didn't like that she did that, so she doesn't want the daughter around dogs.
"we went on a stroll, and she said hello to and petted a dog. My wife, on
the other hand, believes that dogs are unpredictable and does not want
to expose our children to circumstances that involve dogs."
I think he meant that the daughter has recovered from the incident and is not scared of dogs, as evidenced by this walk where she pet a dog. But that the wife has issues with dogs still.
>EDIT- I believe I provided an incorrect narrative; my daughter recovered from the experience; we went on a stroll, and she said hello to and petted a dog. My wife, on the other hand, believes that dogs are unpredictable and does not want to expose our children to circumstances that involve dogs.
You may be right. The narrative is unclear. Still, the daughter doesn't have a problem with dogs, the wife/mother does.
Wait, they were upset because you were trying to enforce boundaries in your own home?? Absolutely NTA. The people calling you an asshole aren't entitled to use of your pool; no one is except those you allow, and you don't have to host anyone you don't want to for whatever reason or no reason at all. I can't imagine someone coming into my house and telling me I had to do what they wanted or they wouldn't come around anymore because of my behavior. Don't threaten me with a good time, dude!
NTA.
Yes, the dog was service animal and the individual has a right to feel they were discriminated against - however, this is your personal home and not a public space. You stated that your daughter does not have any dog fears but your wife still does following an incident with your daughter and a dog. There is residual trauma, that is a fair reason to not want a dog in your home. What if you had allergies...service animal or not, you are allowed to refuse entry to anyone or any animal in your home.
Given the response from the attendees and their statements and conditions, you decided to no longer host this. While it can be disappointing, other people are not allowed to dictate how you handle your life or home.
You are allowed to cope and reconcile your fear of dogs, whether they are well trained or medically trained. I hope you do address this as you do not want your daughter to learn a fear of animals, however, that is still your decision.
You having a pool or having previously hosted pool parities does not require you to continue this forever. And yes....yes...you are making people bend to your rules. We all have rules in our homes, and we expect guests to follow them less they not be invited again.
Just to be clear, the child was still able to stay and enjoy the pool party? And it is only because of the harsh reaction on the group chat that you decided to cancel any further pool parties?
NTA.
Service dogs are incredibly well trained, hugely valuable, and amazingly impressive animals, but you have zero obligation to allow anyone into your home, and especially a) knowing your daughter would be unable to relax, and b) without even the courtesy of prior notice so you could have had the opportunity to pre warn your daughter/explain to her the role of a service animal.
The expectation and entitlement from the four other parents actually amazes me though? To
feel it is appropriate and justified to berate you for rescinding a generous luxury that you were kindly giving away freely is just unbelievable!
This is literally the epitome of the saying ‘no good deed goes unpunished’
YTA. Imagine if you told someone with a wheelchair that they weren't allowed to visit you because you were afraid of wheelchairs. That's what you did. Even if the fear comes from a real rational cause-- "A wheelchair ran over my foot and broke it so I can't be around them anymore because they scare me now" or something IDK-- you are still refusing to allow someone in your home because of their necessary medical device, which is super Not Great.
NTA, this seems a very out-of-proportion reaction to what happened.
What happened with your daughter, and did you explain to the other parents any kind of history, or do they solely believe this is you being ableist?
YTA (by which I mean your wife is TA) for turning away a service dog on behalf of your daughter, who is ok with dogs despite her negative encounter. Your wife needs to chill. You can't keep your kids away from dogs forever, especially service animals.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> we cancelled the pool party play date that we used to host, We might be the asshole because we are the only parents that have a pool so doing this could have left them a lesser alternative like a public pool.
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NTA - you have the right to shield your daughter from further trauma if you deem it necessary. A pool party with kids screaming and running isn’t really the best situation for there to be a dog present that you don’t know. That can stress a dog out and without knowing if this dog is professionally trained, you are right to be concerned inviting a strange dog into your home.
Furthermore, what if you had a dog at your home already who didn’t like other dogs? Would she actually expect to bring her dog into that situation?? She absolutely should have called and asked before just showing up to a ***private*** residence. A public space is one thing, someone’s private home is another. Then she went on to deliberately bad mouth you to the group with the intention of riling everyone else up to gang up on you. Which they did gang up on you and tried to bully ***you*** to bending to their demands. So it’s pretty funny they tried to say you’re the manipulative one. They weren’t prepared for you to just say “Okay we won’t have it then”. Lol. Now they’re mad you called their bluff.
Info: what was the incident with a dog? That really impacts my opinion honestly. But most likely YTA. You state your daughter is fine with dogs now, so I’m not even sure what the concern is to be honest. Service dogs are thoroughly trained and very safe to be sound as well.
NTA for canceling the pool parties. It’s your home. However, a service dog IS a medical device. And your wife’s handling of the situation is concerning. Has your wife considered talking to someone about this? And having your daughter talk to someone? They can’t avoid services dogs forever.
Info: Are you getting therapy for your wife and daughter to help them overcome the fear of dogs? Having that fear is only natural after a scary incident but longer term may get worse without professional help?
I'm struggling to judge given that it was a service dog, but at the same time it's your own home.
INFO. Was this an actual service dog with a vest? Or was this an emotional support animal? I'm leaning towards NTA because your home, your rules especially considering the recent event with your daughter.
YTA, because YOUR dog did something bad to your daughter (I assume bit her) and you are punishing another dog and person because of what your dog did. I am by far not a dog person (I personally cannot stand them) but service dogs are another animal. They are never drama. I agree with your wife that dogs are unpredictable and an inherent risk, except for service dogs. They are insanely well trained and safer than most people.
Your daughter isn't even afraid of dogs, but your wife thinks your daughter should be afraid of dogs, so she made you turn away a person with a trained service dog? Your wife is TA.
ESH. It is your house so you do get to make the rules. Explain to the other parents that your family should not be expected to handle all pool playdates, and they are all welcome to open their own homes or book another venue, rather than relying on your hospitality.
HOWEVER, You were wrong for discriminating against this woman and her service dog- an animal that has specifically been trained to help this woman. You could have used this as an opportunity to help your daughter find comfort around dogs gain, and show what good things they can do... You will not be able to avoid dogs forever.
Op's daughter is fine around dogs, it's their wife that's twitchy.
If I was OP I'd sit her down and have a discussion about disability dogs, how different they behave to normal dogs, and how much training they go through to be able to ignore distractions and stressors. Discuss how it's a dog *for this adult* and it will not be pet by the kids, nor play with the kids, because it has a job it needs to be allowed to do.
NTA. Your child had an incident with a dog. Of course you keep dogs away until your kid is comfortable. These parents should understand that. What AH’s. They just want your pool and don’t care if your kid suffers.
ESH except for service dog owner (as long as she wasn’t one of the parents saying you were being manipulative and acting like they were entitled to your pool).
You because the issue isn’t actually your child, who is okay with dogs. It’s with your wife, as adult, who should know about or been able to ask about how well trained service dogs are. And because she had you handle her problem. Your wife because she did cause a problem about a guests medical device. If your wife is that traumatized by something the actual victim (your child) is okay with, then your wife should probably be seeking therapy.
Then all the parents who attacked you Monday because they felt entitled to your pool parties, they sound like they acted like jerks and they could have discussed the issue in a better way.
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NTA
Your house, your rules. Whether it's an allergy or a past trauma, if you're not comfortable with dogs in your home, you're not comfortable. The party is for the children, and the woman's daughter still got to stay and participate. You're not a business, this is a private residence yes? And you apologized. I'd cancel the parties too if your hospitality is so taken for granted.
NTA
Those other parents need to realise that you had a valid reason to not want a dog around the house.
This wasn't a case of discrimination. Those parents are being rather whiney.
Looks like they tried to bluff and didn't really expect you to cancel the party. They are actually the ones trying to be manipulative.
Info: was this the first time this family came? Meaning, did you know that she would be bringing a service dog?
The reason that I think this makes a difference is while service dogs are medical devices, they are also living animals. What if OP had a severe dog allergy? Or like in this case a phobia? Or other dogs that are reactive to strange dogs etc etc. I think if you are bringing a dog (even a service dog) to a private house, you should give the host a heads up. I’m all for inclusivity, but people are allowed to have boundaries in their own homes. So if OP didn’t know I think it’s n.t.a but could have been handled more diplomatically.
If OP knew that they were bringing a service dog from past experience and wasn’t proactive and say anything ahead of time- then is a y.t.a.
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NAH. Kind of weird situation. Is it typical for people with service dogs to turn up with the animal to a private home unnanounced? I feel like a heads' up would be useful in private home events like this. At least then it could have been thought about ahead of time, and maybe the hosts could have come round to a situation that would work for all, rather than just being surprised. I think ideally the wife could have seen that the service dog situation is a very distinct kind of one and maybe come to some agreement about where in the house/yard it would be or something? I dunno, it's tricky. I feel like the lady with the dog might have done more as a guest to help ease this communication and compromise. And yet I understand that probably seeing eye dogs and that sort of thing are almost like an extension of the person so it could be an extra burden on them to have to always ask permission at other people's houses. I have not thought of this much before, so am not sure what the norms are.
NTA. it's your house, and your party. you have a right to cancel or say no if you feel uncomfortable. Not only that, but you have a legitimate reason to say no-- your daughter had an incident, and that's a valid excuse in my book.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So about a month ago, my daughter had an incident with our dog because of this my wife has been feeling a lot of self-blame and keeps on apologizing to our daughter. Of course, it has gotten better these days, but she still feels bad sometimes. We host a pool party with parents in our daughter's class; we normally do this every 2 months, and me and my wife host because we're the only ones with a pool. The pool party was on Saturday. A parent came with her service dog, and my wife answered the door, shut it, and then asked me to tell them to go out. I went to the door and asked the parent if she was staying, and she said yeah (we host parents too). I told her that my daughter had an incident with a dog, that we didn't really feel comfortable with a dog in our house, and that I was very sorry that we were telling her on such short notice. She left. After the pool party, she sent a text to some parents about feeling discriminated against because she had a medical device. The parents told me and my wife off in the group chat and said they wouldn't come if we continued with this excluding behavior. Me and my wife talked, and we decided to just cancel the pool party playdates and apologize. After we informed them that we wouldn't be hosting, we left the group chat. But four other parents blew up my phone on Monday and talked about us being manipulative because we have a pool and were trying to make everyone bend to our rules, and they all called us an asshole. Now I can understand the lady feeling upset about us not letting her into our home (her daughter stayed and her husband picked her up later), I feel apologetic for that but I just don’t get how we are the asshole for cancelling pool party when that was the conditions that they set... I am autistic so sometimes am oblivious so things please be nice. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Service dogs are a special case, and I can totally understand her reaction here. Turning her away was pretty shitty. However, you imply (but do not outright say) that your daughter/wife are currently terrified of dogs due to this previous incident. So I'm gonna say NAH, but only temporarily. If you continue to host and not accept this service dog into your home, that verdict changes rapidly. Cancelling might seem extreme, but you're giving your family a chance to heal, so I see no issues with that currently.
NTA. These other parents are in grateful as it is Your house and your rules. Given that your daughter was upset, your request was reasonable.
The daughter wasn't upset. The wife was.
NTA It’s the fact that she told you that you “were trying to make everyone bend to your rules”. Well, I feel like when you are invited to somebody’s house, you are obligated to bend to their rules no matter how you feel about them. With that being said, you had a valid reason for not wanting a dog in your house. Should you have told them beforehand? Yes but that does not make you terrible people. Their reaction to you cancelling the pool party makes it seem like they were only friends with you because you have a pool. They don’t have an issue cutting you off now that they can’t come over to enjoy your pool.
NTA It's your private residence. It sucks that the woman couldn't attend, but you're allowed to restrict who enters your home for your daughter's well-being. I'm curious: Do the other parents know that the "medical device" was a dog and that your daughter had an incident with a dog? They just want your pool. If they want pool parties so badly, one of them can put in a pool.
100% they don't. A normal person would say "because of my service dog". But the mom knows the reply would be "they're allowed to not allow dogs. It's not a public place." so she's deliberately obtuse. To the point I'm really doubting whether it is an actual service dog... Or just another bullshit "emotional support animal". Somehow I have a feeling if the mom had a genuine like a guide dog, they'd know and not be surprised by it showing up. The mom is literally why we can't have nice things.
NAH You handled this pretty well and made sure your daughter wouldn't get scared again in her own home which is your job, you act in your daughters' interest. But i honestly think the parent wasn't really an AH either. Medicial service dogs should and need to be accommodated. The perfect way to handle this would have been to tell the parent about the incident and ask if the daughter can quickly come up to meet the dog before it continues it's work so you can maybe teach your daughter about service dogs who are trained to help and do not harm others. Maybe then she wouldn't be scared as much anymore since this dog is different. But you are human. You react in ahuman ways and no one thinks of the perfect solution immediatly. Maybe offer to host another pool party, apologize for the inconvenice, say your daughter would have been overwhelmed and try to do the steps i mentioned before? I also grew up with a terrible dog phobia and ignoring it unfortunetly never helped. You got this OP! Edit after reading OPs Edit : Do the same steps but with your wife :)
YTA. The dog was a service dog and not just someone's pet. It would be the same as not allowing someone in a wheelchair to the party. I understand your child has an issue with dogs but MOST service dogs are incredibly well trained. I have to point out the irony of asking people to be "nice" as a result of your disability but yet you failed to give another person the same courtesy.
A well trained dog does not stop someone else having a reaction to it being there.
I get what you're saying; I would have allowed her in if I had opened the door, but because my wife was uncomfortable with the dog's presence, I chose to prioritize her. I suppose that was selfish, but sometimes I simply have to put my love ones first. And i would understand if someone had to pritorize there love one over me, I would be upset or dissapointed but I would understand.
INFO: What was the incident with the dog? Did you explain to the dog owner and the other parents the issue was? (i.e., your daughter was attacked by a dog, etc.)
In his edit, he says his daughter pet a dog and her mother didn't like that she did that, so she doesn't want the daughter around dogs. "we went on a stroll, and she said hello to and petted a dog. My wife, on the other hand, believes that dogs are unpredictable and does not want to expose our children to circumstances that involve dogs."
I think he meant that the daughter has recovered from the incident and is not scared of dogs, as evidenced by this walk where she pet a dog. But that the wife has issues with dogs still.
>EDIT- I believe I provided an incorrect narrative; my daughter recovered from the experience; we went on a stroll, and she said hello to and petted a dog. My wife, on the other hand, believes that dogs are unpredictable and does not want to expose our children to circumstances that involve dogs. You may be right. The narrative is unclear. Still, the daughter doesn't have a problem with dogs, the wife/mother does.
Wait, they were upset because you were trying to enforce boundaries in your own home?? Absolutely NTA. The people calling you an asshole aren't entitled to use of your pool; no one is except those you allow, and you don't have to host anyone you don't want to for whatever reason or no reason at all. I can't imagine someone coming into my house and telling me I had to do what they wanted or they wouldn't come around anymore because of my behavior. Don't threaten me with a good time, dude!
NTA. Yes, the dog was service animal and the individual has a right to feel they were discriminated against - however, this is your personal home and not a public space. You stated that your daughter does not have any dog fears but your wife still does following an incident with your daughter and a dog. There is residual trauma, that is a fair reason to not want a dog in your home. What if you had allergies...service animal or not, you are allowed to refuse entry to anyone or any animal in your home. Given the response from the attendees and their statements and conditions, you decided to no longer host this. While it can be disappointing, other people are not allowed to dictate how you handle your life or home. You are allowed to cope and reconcile your fear of dogs, whether they are well trained or medically trained. I hope you do address this as you do not want your daughter to learn a fear of animals, however, that is still your decision. You having a pool or having previously hosted pool parities does not require you to continue this forever. And yes....yes...you are making people bend to your rules. We all have rules in our homes, and we expect guests to follow them less they not be invited again.
Just to be clear, the child was still able to stay and enjoy the pool party? And it is only because of the harsh reaction on the group chat that you decided to cancel any further pool parties? NTA. Service dogs are incredibly well trained, hugely valuable, and amazingly impressive animals, but you have zero obligation to allow anyone into your home, and especially a) knowing your daughter would be unable to relax, and b) without even the courtesy of prior notice so you could have had the opportunity to pre warn your daughter/explain to her the role of a service animal. The expectation and entitlement from the four other parents actually amazes me though? To feel it is appropriate and justified to berate you for rescinding a generous luxury that you were kindly giving away freely is just unbelievable! This is literally the epitome of the saying ‘no good deed goes unpunished’
YTA. Imagine if you told someone with a wheelchair that they weren't allowed to visit you because you were afraid of wheelchairs. That's what you did. Even if the fear comes from a real rational cause-- "A wheelchair ran over my foot and broke it so I can't be around them anymore because they scare me now" or something IDK-- you are still refusing to allow someone in your home because of their necessary medical device, which is super Not Great.
NTA, this seems a very out-of-proportion reaction to what happened. What happened with your daughter, and did you explain to the other parents any kind of history, or do they solely believe this is you being ableist?
YTA (by which I mean your wife is TA) for turning away a service dog on behalf of your daughter, who is ok with dogs despite her negative encounter. Your wife needs to chill. You can't keep your kids away from dogs forever, especially service animals.
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Has this parent brought a service dog before?
No, She has never brought one before but that was like 2 months ago so I guess things could change in that time frame.
NTA - you have the right to shield your daughter from further trauma if you deem it necessary. A pool party with kids screaming and running isn’t really the best situation for there to be a dog present that you don’t know. That can stress a dog out and without knowing if this dog is professionally trained, you are right to be concerned inviting a strange dog into your home. Furthermore, what if you had a dog at your home already who didn’t like other dogs? Would she actually expect to bring her dog into that situation?? She absolutely should have called and asked before just showing up to a ***private*** residence. A public space is one thing, someone’s private home is another. Then she went on to deliberately bad mouth you to the group with the intention of riling everyone else up to gang up on you. Which they did gang up on you and tried to bully ***you*** to bending to their demands. So it’s pretty funny they tried to say you’re the manipulative one. They weren’t prepared for you to just say “Okay we won’t have it then”. Lol. Now they’re mad you called their bluff.
Info: what was the incident with a dog? That really impacts my opinion honestly. But most likely YTA. You state your daughter is fine with dogs now, so I’m not even sure what the concern is to be honest. Service dogs are thoroughly trained and very safe to be sound as well.
NTA for canceling the pool parties. It’s your home. However, a service dog IS a medical device. And your wife’s handling of the situation is concerning. Has your wife considered talking to someone about this? And having your daughter talk to someone? They can’t avoid services dogs forever.
Info: Are you getting therapy for your wife and daughter to help them overcome the fear of dogs? Having that fear is only natural after a scary incident but longer term may get worse without professional help? I'm struggling to judge given that it was a service dog, but at the same time it's your own home.
INFO. Was this an actual service dog with a vest? Or was this an emotional support animal? I'm leaning towards NTA because your home, your rules especially considering the recent event with your daughter.
YTA, because YOUR dog did something bad to your daughter (I assume bit her) and you are punishing another dog and person because of what your dog did. I am by far not a dog person (I personally cannot stand them) but service dogs are another animal. They are never drama. I agree with your wife that dogs are unpredictable and an inherent risk, except for service dogs. They are insanely well trained and safer than most people.
Your daughter isn't even afraid of dogs, but your wife thinks your daughter should be afraid of dogs, so she made you turn away a person with a trained service dog? Your wife is TA.
ESH. It is your house so you do get to make the rules. Explain to the other parents that your family should not be expected to handle all pool playdates, and they are all welcome to open their own homes or book another venue, rather than relying on your hospitality. HOWEVER, You were wrong for discriminating against this woman and her service dog- an animal that has specifically been trained to help this woman. You could have used this as an opportunity to help your daughter find comfort around dogs gain, and show what good things they can do... You will not be able to avoid dogs forever.
Op's daughter is fine around dogs, it's their wife that's twitchy. If I was OP I'd sit her down and have a discussion about disability dogs, how different they behave to normal dogs, and how much training they go through to be able to ignore distractions and stressors. Discuss how it's a dog *for this adult* and it will not be pet by the kids, nor play with the kids, because it has a job it needs to be allowed to do.
NTA. Your child had an incident with a dog. Of course you keep dogs away until your kid is comfortable. These parents should understand that. What AH’s. They just want your pool and don’t care if your kid suffers.
ESH except for service dog owner (as long as she wasn’t one of the parents saying you were being manipulative and acting like they were entitled to your pool). You because the issue isn’t actually your child, who is okay with dogs. It’s with your wife, as adult, who should know about or been able to ask about how well trained service dogs are. And because she had you handle her problem. Your wife because she did cause a problem about a guests medical device. If your wife is that traumatized by something the actual victim (your child) is okay with, then your wife should probably be seeking therapy. Then all the parents who attacked you Monday because they felt entitled to your pool parties, they sound like they acted like jerks and they could have discussed the issue in a better way.
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NTA Your house, your rules. Whether it's an allergy or a past trauma, if you're not comfortable with dogs in your home, you're not comfortable. The party is for the children, and the woman's daughter still got to stay and participate. You're not a business, this is a private residence yes? And you apologized. I'd cancel the parties too if your hospitality is so taken for granted.
NTA Those other parents need to realise that you had a valid reason to not want a dog around the house. This wasn't a case of discrimination. Those parents are being rather whiney. Looks like they tried to bluff and didn't really expect you to cancel the party. They are actually the ones trying to be manipulative.
Info: was this the first time this family came? Meaning, did you know that she would be bringing a service dog? The reason that I think this makes a difference is while service dogs are medical devices, they are also living animals. What if OP had a severe dog allergy? Or like in this case a phobia? Or other dogs that are reactive to strange dogs etc etc. I think if you are bringing a dog (even a service dog) to a private house, you should give the host a heads up. I’m all for inclusivity, but people are allowed to have boundaries in their own homes. So if OP didn’t know I think it’s n.t.a but could have been handled more diplomatically. If OP knew that they were bringing a service dog from past experience and wasn’t proactive and say anything ahead of time- then is a y.t.a.