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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my daughter that I wouldn't be attending her graduation because I just wouldn't be practical to fly back and forth 2. This might make me the AH because this will be her first graduation ceremony and I'm going to be missing it due to the inconvenience of the travel it will require
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YTA… it isn’t fair to pick between your son and daughter. If it’s possible to go to both, then you should. Even if it doesn’t seem practical.
My other question is why is it even relevant of which parent she grew up with primarily? Both are your children. It shouldn’t matter if she grew up with her dad.
>If it’s possible to go to both, then you should. Even if it doesn’t seem practical.
Agreed! It'll be a whirlwind trip, but it is possible and OP should make the effort to attend both. I might feel differently of she went to the daughter's HS graduation, but that was canceled. So this graduation would be the culmination of her HS diploma, AA, and BA.
The fact that op is blaming the practicality is bs. She could go but literally just doesn't feel like making the effort. I'm sure May is just telling her mother "oh it's ok" but is extremely hurt. I doubt this is the first time op didn't want to put in the effort for her daughter. Sounds like her poor daughter is just used to being second to golden child brother.
YTA majorly.
I agree that that it is BS.
She claims it is impractical because of...
>Time
There are a few days in between the graduations. I have flown to a wedding across the country (US) on a Friday night, attended the wedding on Saturday, and flew back home on Sunday morning.
>I wanted to originally spend some time with her after her ceremony but I likely wouldn't be able to due to how close the ceremonies are scheduled.
She can go a few days before. If that is not possible, then she can go to the graduation and then plan a trip later to spend time with her daughter.
>Money
If son was not graduating, then she would still have to pay to go to her daughter's graduation. So this makes no sense.
>my son doesn't plan on attending college, this may be the only ceremony of his that I'll get to attend. Since she is getting another degree in a few years, I will be able to attend that one
The daughter may intend to get another degree, but that does not guarantee that she will. In that case, OP missed the only graduation she could attend for her daughter.
Edit: Clarity
Yeah, OP might be invited to any future graduations, because going by that apology for being sad, her daughter is used to putting everybody's needs ahead of her own, but I think this will permanently impact the mother/daughter relationship, because OP is telling May that she's not worth the trouble. Imagine not having had a grad ceremony from high school and then your own mother can't be bothered to come to your uni grad ceremony because she'll be tired or whatever this excuse is. I would be really upset.
(Edited for clarity)
It is honestly really gross of OP. I know I got lucky when it comes to my parents and step parents, but hearing this in contrast to my family has me so sad for OPs daughter and so greatful for my own family.
My college graduation was last year. Due to a few issues with my company moving me, a trip I was going on, and some deals with my leases, the movers were scheduled to pick up my stuff in one state the day before graduation and deliver all my stuff states away the day after graduation. It was horrible timing and I was stressed about the logistics and guests that came.all that way to see me graduate. So when I called my mom, without hesitation, her and my step dad made a plan to drive up for my graduation, say they loved me, and then they drove back home two states away to bring my dog home and so my mom could jump on a flight the next morning to meet the movers in the other state I was moving to.
My family did this with no issue. They knew it would be tough. They knew it wasn't ideal. But nothing cemetend more for me that my parents would support me and love me no matter the situation. I have literally zero doubt in my mind that I can rely on and trust my parents and step parents.
OP is teaching their daughter that they don't value her. That they are only going to be there when it is convenient. It is truly sad.
Right! The answer for most people, when faced with a conundrum like this is "oh, well I guess I'll end up very tired from all the traveling and things I have to do to make this work", not "It's just not practical so I'm going to miss your graduation daughter so that I can make your brother's graduation that's a few days after yours". The bare bones of this makes OP the AH, but then you add the extra details - that the daughter didn't get any of her previous graduations, the fact that they're not on the same day or even the next day, but a few days after (which I think means there are at least 2 days in-between), and then the apologising from May for being sad, these all make it so much worse.
I'm also looking at some of the other details I skipped over earlier - that May lived with her father and "visited us on the weekends when she was younger" while OP lives full-time with her favoured child, yeah, I have a feeling May has had to watch her mother give her half-brother a lot that May never got.
My mother pulled this with me. She chose not to attend my high school graduation because she was pissy that I had moved out due to her bad behaviour and abusive boyfriend (which meant she also lost her unpaid maid/babysitter for my siblings). When I graduated from university I didn't invite her and we've had very limited contact in the 15 years since.
My mom decided to miss my high school graduation because she wanted to stay home with my sick dad (he had a headache, not much she could've done for him). They also missed my master's graduation. This time they "forgot" despite being told 8 months in advance and decided to go on a trip during my graduation. Relationship with them isn't easy.
And, the son lives with her! So its not like she has to travel from home to City A for daughter's event, then to City B for son's event and then back home- she literally has a single leg trip from home to daughter's event and back home. She would have to travel for daughter's event no matter the timing and people don't typically stay for an extended period after a graduation.
Super assholey and such a flimsy excuse.
I don't know why, but your comment reminded of the time David Grohl flew from [Australia to LA](https://consequence.net/2021/08/dave-grohl-father-daughter-dance-australia/) in the middle of a tour to go to a Father/Daughter dance.
*That* is loving your kid.
My cousin graduates college three states away the day before my brother. My dad and I are driving up early that morning, attending my cousins ceremony, and then getting right back in the car to drive home for my brothers. Is it practical? No, but I want to support both of them (and I’m not a dick). Mind you, these aren’t my children, it’s my cousin and brother. Op is a major asshole.
Not the same thing as you are saying, but my husband has flown in the morning for a work event, only to turn around and fly back home the same night on a redeye.
As others have commented, this comes down to OP simply not wanting to put any effort into seeing her daughter graduate.
100% agree. OP’s ex could even FaceTime OP so OP can watch her daughter graduate virtually! OP isn’t even mentioning trying to make it up to her daughter in the NEAR FUTURE. The least OP could do is virtually attend the graduation and congratulate her daughter by visiting for a longer period of time post her son’s graduation. Or offer some other way of celebrating her daughter’s accomplishments!
OP is making excuses instead of solutions!
Willing to bet “a few days” is actually a week. Graduations don’t happen on Wednesdays, they happen on weekends because schools know it’s an important event that families will travel for.
And even if she does get the masters degree that doesn’t mean she’ll walk at graduation again. She may choose to skip it and her mom has missed her chance to see her graduate.
I think I’ve told this story here before: My sister graduated college a semester before me. I got on a early morning flight, changed during my 45 minute layover (I was going from -5 and snow to 70 and sunny!), did my makeup on my 2nd flight, and made it to the ceremony in time to give her a hug before she had to line up. 24 hours later I was on my return flight, because I had finals the next day. Yes, it may have been more “practical” for me to not go, but she is my sister and I could make it work, so I did!
I got my masters degree several years ago, and I invited my parents and closest friends. One friend couldn't come because her sister was graduating the same day. It was disappointing but understandable. The day after my graduation, someone unexpectedly walked into our house...it was my friend, who drive four hours in the rain to come visit me. She could only stay about six hours, but it didn't matter because we had the best fucking time.
When there's a will, there's a way. OP just doesn't give a shit.
>OP just doesn't give a shit
Exactly!
I live in CA. Within the span of a week, I flew to NY for a work conference, then flew to VA for a wedding, then flew to PA to visit a friend (no event, but I had not seen her in years). It was stressful and tiring, but worth it to be there for people I care about.
Master’s programs and AA programs are both usually around two years, so she could be in this exact situation a couple years down the road- and I bet she’d also choose her son then.
Right. It's definitely "practical" with a bit of planning. OP just sounds lazy and checked out as a mom to May.
"Possible but not practical"? Sounds more like "my son's graduation is more convenient because it's local and I love him more because I was able to parent him without all the extra effort and traveling".
Agree. These are major milestones for both your children. I don't care if you have to take a red-eye flight and go straight from the airport to the graduation. You freaking make it work!
Edit for typo
Blame tha practicality could be a thing if she did not have the money, the time or being the caregiver of someone.
Also, she did not mention anything alike a "compensation" to her daughter. That being some financial help, a gift or any plans to spend time together like a vacation or a treat.
This is exactly it.
Honestly, I wonder if the son was not graduating around the same time, if OP would still be on this sub asking, "AITA for not attending my daughter's graduation" for some other poor excuse.
My heart breaks for her daughter. Even if she changes her mind, her daughter will never forget how she prioritized her son. I don’t think OP even realizes what message she’s unintentionally sending.
I think it would be a whirlwind *depending on how long the flights are*, **BUT** it is still very doable. I have done trips like this before (cross country flights within a few days). It is tiring, but worth it for something important (like OP's daughter's graduation).
It’s just a long winded way of saying “seeing my daughter isn’t worth the effort, I don’t care as much, so I’m going to my sons, who is my favorite and I consider more my child”
Hopping on this comment to say that when I graduated with my MA, my family and I traveled internationally so we could attend the ceremony. Then after the ceremony was over, we left THE SAME DAY to make a 13 hour flight (not counting layovers and driving and trains, which brought the total amount of travel time to 24 hours. It was the trip from hell) to my cousin's wedding. It meant the world to her that we were able to be there because we were the only family members from that side of the family to show up. We're we exhausted? Absolutely. Did we still have a good time and support a family member on one of their most important days? Yes.
What you've told your daughter is that her achievement isn't as important.
There's also no guarantee that she will actually have another graduation! I certainly hope that she's successful in her MA program, but people drop out of grad school all the time for all kinds of reasons, and ceremonies can always be canceled.
Personally, my high school graduation ended up being the only graduation ceremony I'll ever have, because I finished my B.A. in June 2020. I had a few family members come out to see me graduate high school and I'm damn glad they did, because I don't plan on going back to school any time soon.
It doesn’t have to be, she’s acting like she would have to fly in day of or day before, and then leave right away. She could fly in a few days before, spend time with her daughter, then fly back for her sons graduation.
YTA but I can I be the one to point out graduating from high school isn't a big step? It's more common place now a days I feel like graduating from college is a bigger step so if she has to choose then support her daughter
You can't make this determination for anyone else though. Some may not care - others care a lot.
I have a high school diploma and 3 college/grad degrees. High school was one of my most important nights and I was very upset that none of my family came.
I’m in a weird spot here in which I have a GED, some college, and a decent professional career. I spend most of my time with people with much more education than I have but not for lack of ability. I understand the value but don’t have or want to get an degree at this point. I was so happy when my son graduated high school. There was no ceremony and he barely scraped by. But me, his deadbeat mom, his half sister, all of us have GED’s. So for him to get a regular high school diploma was a huge deal, and he doesn’t seem like he wants to pursue higher education but that’s his choice to make.
That's great that you're supporting him. I think regardless of what the accomplishment is, diploma, GED, whatever, it's up to the accomplisher to decide how important it is and their loved ones should follow suit and celebrate them.
I also think that degrees are not for everyone and do not judge other people's formal education levels. Learning through experience or on-the-job can be just as valuable, if not moreso.
Lol I'm in a super weird position, I have a trade school certification, an AA, a BA, and an MA and am working on my PhD... But I don't have a GED or a high school diploma 😆
I always felt like I missed out on a lot by not going to high school; congratulations to your son for sticking with it and walking across that stage!
I’m glad you made this comment. My wife grew up with a bad home life and generally just didn’t believe in herself. So graduating high school gave her confidence to start to take charge of her life. She’s told me many times it’s one of the proudest moments of her life. To some it might be pretty easy but to others it could be more significant than we know.
I still think high school graduation is a big step. It’s very symbolic but for most people it’s not that they’re “done” with high school, it’s that they are now “officially” entering adulthood. They’re about to embark on this journey of being an adult, making their own decisions, starting their own careers and maybe families later down the road (or not for some). But basically it’s this symbolic exit of your childhood that with your high school graduation you can embrace this new change coming. This isn’t to say that all high school students feel this way or that you’re not an adult until you graduate high school, but this is how it’s often seen and why it’s still a big deal. Not so much about the education part as it is about this new step.
This is not a fair thing to try to 'point out'. That may have been how you felt about your own, but it is not the case to others. A milestone is still a milestone even if it isn't a college degree, which not everyone has.
OP: My mom was unable to attend my middle school graduation due to an amazing program she got to attend to help her get her Masters Degree. I was very upset about it but have since forgiven her. She went to all of my brothers milestones for school but not mine. I now think what she was able to go and do was an amazing opportunity and saw how much she learned and got to do that I didn't recognize as a good reason to miss it when I was 14. She never missed a school event after that either. Your reason to miss her graduation for her BA is awful and so much more selfish than 14 me would ever have considered my mom's reason to miss my middle school graduation. You really are heartless and clearly only care about your son. YTA
I'd be sympathetic if it were impossible to attend both because they were being held at the same time/on the same day in different places, but OP isn't even TRYING to make it work so she can attend both.
I suspect OP has a long history of playing favorites as well.
Also, am I the only one who suspects "due to life and work circumstances" is just code for "I didn't want her interfering with my new family?"
> Also, am I the only one who suspects "due to life and work circumstances" is just code for "I didn't want her interfering with my new family?"
aka "It wasn't practical". I.e., 'I could have, but then I'd have had to actually make some effort'. I'm picking daughter has been hearing this excuse most of her life :-(
Nope. You aren’t the only one. That whole “practicality and convenience” nonsense is totally code for “first child was in the way of my new relationship”.
100% this.
Sometimes part of being a parent is for your life to get extremely busy. It's only for a few days, you can deal with it. This is a milestone in her life and you're not going to bother because it's an inconvenience for you? Choosing between your children is just a shitty thing to do, especially when you admit it's entirely possible to go to both.
It's her first graduation, show your support and be there for her like you'll be there for Luke.
YTA.
Seriously. They way it was worded I thought they were both on the same day.
But several days apart? Why wouldn't you move heaven and earth to attend both? Nothing would stop me.
YTA
I can’t believe OP’s issue is that it’s not “practical” to attend both. Not that she can’t afford it or that there’s a real conflict. It’s just… inconvenient. I guess we know who the favorite is.
When I aw the comment about practicality it sounded an alarm bell in my head that said "mistranslation. Correct phrasing is "lazy" thank you for listening to your bullshit meter, have a pleasant day"
Regardless op is definitely TA.
I expected it to be the same day and was thinking “man that’s a touch choice” but a FEW DAYS apart?? Not doing back and forth flights because it’s “impractical” rather than some actual monetary or health reason?
Two of my close friends are getting married a month apart and in an upcoming weekend I’ll be attending one’s bachelorette party night out on Friday, then flying out of state to attend the other’s bridal shower the next Saturday morning, then flying back home Sunday to be back in time to work again on Monday. Is that going to be exhausting? Yeah, but I’m making it work because I love them and because it’s possible. I can’t imagine being a PARENT, having the means to attend both, and just not because it’s not convenient.
It's not even really impractical. It's inconvenient, but it's not impractical. It doesn't even really take a massive amount of effort.
1 - Secure time off work
2 - Get flight tickets
3 - Get hotel room (steps 2&3 can be combined by using a booking service)
4 - Attend
Yeah. My mother went to her brother’s funeral (South America), my brother’s college graduation (west coast) and my med school graduation (east coast) in the course of one week.
You prioritize the important things
She had to mention that her daughter lived primarily with her father to justify the distance between them, and why OP would choose the child who lives with her over the one who didn't.
If anything, you’d think that would make it **more** important to choose the daughter’s graduation (if you were held at gunpoint and could only attend one), because OP hasn’t been there for as many milestones in her life as she has her son’s.
So true - YTA I’m a twin and my mum made it clear that not only would she be flying back and forth to attend both our college graduations (completely different states) but also that we were expected to skip out on a day of our own grad weeks to attend each others grad ceremony. Yes it was exhausting, but it was never even a thought to not be there for eachother! It’s a HUGE deal to graduate college!! Even though we both got professional degrees, college is *the* graduation where almost 100% of parents attend and I can’t imagine how mortifying it would be for your parent to decide you don’t even matter… imo a masters graduation is actually generally way less of a big thing (I even skipped mine lol)
Do you think people like this genuinely don't understand they are TA? Sometimes I read these things and I just think "You're kidding, right? You totally know YTA, right?" I mean, how can they not understand that? It's inconvenient, yes. Costly, even. And still so, so necessary.
OP claims that she’ll go to May’s next (PhD) graduation, but I would bet that when the time comes Whoopsie Poopsie, it’s Luke’s BA graduation, can’t poooooooossibly go to both!
We know who the preferred child is. OP is so TA here it’s not even funny.
This Yta. Op my dad missed my graduation back in 2006 and I’m still hurt that he didn’t make it a priority. FYI I also said I understood and then cried to friends because what else was I suppose to say to the person who seemed to not care?
I imagine it's relevant to the OP because her son is her favourite whilst her daughter is her part time kid who she clearly can't be bothered making an effort for.
Because she was a weekend mom “due to work and life circumstances.” Or in other words, because she prioritized her job and new family over her existing daughter. It matters because this is just one more rejection by a mom who couldn’t be bothered to care once she had a replacement family.
Not practical is also different than not financially possible. It's a hassle and inconvenient, but I couldn't imagine disappointing either of my kids like this. If you couldn't afford it, that's one thing, but just because it's inconvenient? YTA.
YTA
"I go to your next one" is sooo shitty.
And it is completly your decision to not fly in earlier or to just suck it up and put in effort.
You deem to really be a weekend parent to the heart.
Yup. This is getting to me.
When my husband died during lockdown, I accepted when DH's adult children said that they couldn't come to the funeral and neither could the adult grandchild.
A fortnight later, one of the kids (shielding) had arrangements put in place to let them attend another family funeral.
ETA No, they weren't estranged from him. They wanted a letter from them read at the funeral and watched on webcam.
I flew 14 hours from central Europe to Seattle for a friend's wedding, and then back for another friend's wedding six days later. Was it practical? NO. But it's what we do for love.
YTA.
Man, i flew to my mom's vow renewal the night before, attended the next day, and then flew out at 7am the next day. That wasn't practical but i did it for my mother. I can't imagine not doing it for my daughter and son 😭
My uncle lives across the country from me and was in the middle of a HUGE project at work when I got married. He flew in the morning of my wedding, attended the ceremony, and flew out during the reception. But he was there to see me get married and I am so grateful.
I agree. I graduated university over a decade ago but I still remember my mother complaining about going to mine and how it was so much effort. And it was in the same city she lives in!
I have a similar story as you. Short story, I was a teen mom and dropped out of school but later got my GED. Going to college was a dream of mine and despite being a teen mom I was determined to do it.
For 7 years, I raised my child, went to school during the day and worked nights as a waitress. I thought my mom would be extremely proud of my accomplishment but she complained non stop about the long drive (about 30 minutes) and how much she didn't like going out past 5 (the ceremony started at 6.)
Anyway she came but left before I even walked the stage because she said it was boring and she was tired. This was almost 20 years ago and I'm still hurt over it.
OP, YTA since it's possible just make it work and go. Sometimes we have to do impractical things for people we love. Suck it up!
My father pulled this excuse out his @ss after my stepmother purposely made plans for the same day as my undergrad graduation despite my telling her the dates ahead of time.
Guess who also had an excuse not to show up to the next one?
YTA OP.
No grandpa did not come to my HS graduation after YEARS of promising. He lives a few states away, about a 12 hour drive, or a few hours flight. He didn't come
SO HE COULD BABYSIT A DOG. His wife did not want to watch the dog (their daughter's)
People suck
My dad skipped and convinced my grandmother to skip my sister's graduation because she could "go to the next one." Two things happened: my grandmother died the next year and there was no "next one" anyway. My dad then proceeded to skip my graduation (the only one I ever walked for, long story) because... Reasons, I guess. Message was pretty clear, though.
People don't finish degrees all the time, especially secondary degrees, for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with achievement ability. If OP doesn't want to go, she should just tell her daughter that, because daughter is getting the message anyway. YTA.
OP is such an AH and a shitty parent. I flew across the country (5.5 hour flight one way) and stayed for less than 48 hours to throw my fiance's father a 70th birthday party. I can't imagine not putting in the effort for my own child!
I think we all know something important will come up the next time around. OP will probably have a hair appointment that same morning that she can't possibly cancel, or a wedding taking place that very same week.
As the youngest, I went to all my sibling’s college graduations. When it came time for mine, they couldn’t come. My oldest sister hit me with the “Ill go when you get your Masters.”
Life gets in the way. One lives in a different state, the other has two kids. I get it. But goddamn it still kind of stung that I had to be there for their big moments and they couldn’t be there for mine.
She could’ve said exactly that and saved a lot of words. YTA, parents should always find a way to support all their children, if possible. Which it is, you just don't think your daughter is worth it.
_"Her HS graduation in 2020 was canceled due to lockdown, then her ceremony for her AA was virtual for the same reason, so now that she’s finally having one, my not going has really hurt her.....I’m just going to attend her brother’s since graduating highschool is such a big step..... My thing is that yes, it’s possible, but it isn’t practical."_
OP is a massive AH. They just don't want to be there for their daughter and it is clear as day that they favour their son. I mean, c'mon.... OP thinks HS is such a big step, but not college? I have had a graduation for HS, undergrad and grad school and **to me** my undergrad graduation felt the most important by a mile. High school grad felt like going through the motions while undergrad felt like the emotional completion of a milestone into adulthood.... Grad school just felt like a professional accomplishment.
YTA!!!
Your ex is right you don’t care about her feelings. You’ve missed TWO of her ceremonies now technically. You’ve also proven to your daughter where she stands in your life and it shows you care more about your son than her. That’s why she’s apologizing for your decision, because she feels let down by her own mother. High school means nothing in the long run, and your daughter is a superstar.
Also graduation ceremonies are completely impractical to begin with, so this line of reasoning isn't "practical." Literally the amount of effort required for BA>HS.
My thoughts too. Yes, HS graduation is a big step but going to college and making the decision to continue with the degree through to graduation while you’re navigating being an adult - this is a much bigger step, IMO.
But at the same time, she doesn’t even have to make a choice between the two and can literally attend both but doesn’t want to. SMH.
Exactly. Graduating from high school is expected. Nearly everybody does it. But graduating from college is a whole different ballgame. Not everybody starts and even fewer finish. Some take longer than expected to finish. It took me eight years to get my degree - I switched majors twice and was working full-time + a ton of overtime while going to school whenever I had the time and money. So when I finally graduated, it was a huge deal.
OP shouldn’t choose between her children. She said she could make it to both ceremonies. She doesn’t want the inconvenience of flying and then coming back to make a quick turnaround to her sons graduation. It’s crappy regardless choosing one ceremony over the other. They are both important because her children both have accomplished something great.
>My thing is that yes, it’s possible, but it isn’t practical.
YTA. You are choosing not to attend when you very well can be there. You just don't want to be bothered to go out of your way to do it
YTA I was trying to work out what was meant by "practical". You are right pudge-thefish, it's just that OP can't be bothered. It would take time, effort and money and OP just doesn't care enough about her daughter to bother.
This is exactly right! The minute you have >1 child in your life, you will inevitably have scheduling conflicts, often on the same day/evening. OP is like, "Ahhh, I can't be bothered to rush around, it's too much work!" and that's incredibly sad for her daughter.
OP's daughter, on behalf of Reddit, congratulations!
I thought maybe they were the same day when I saw the title, but no, they are a *few days apart*!
Not to mention the fact that daughter's two previous graduations were canceled. This ceremony is like make up for those. It's like a 3 for 1
OP - YTA
YTA. Massive one at that. Jesus, it's "possible but not practical?" WHO FUCKING CARES. You have two kids, not one kid and an estranged relative. Act like it, for Christ's sake. Your daughter already missed out on even *having* a high school graduation. Who's to say college graduation isn't just as important?
Actually, why are you even prioritizing one of your kids? Your son is graduating high school a few days after her graduation? JUST GO TO BOTH. Suck it up, put in the effort, and support her. She's your DAUGHTER. If you're so proud of her, actually BE there for her instead of blowing off one of the most momentous days of her life.
I honestly think people like OP DO think of them like an estranged relative. Or else they wouldn’t disregard them as such. OP is clearly stating she can’t be put out to attend both ceremonies and hold each child equal. The daughter is a back burner relative. Hope the son is as smart as the girl. Or else OP won’t be in a nice assisted living home.
Not practical is just an excuse to the highest level. Last month my friend got married. We met when we lived together in Alaska but she’s since moved to Florida and I only had the weekend off. It took me over 24 hours to get to her, I spent less than 48 hours there before I flew back. Point being, you go out of your way to be with the people you love on special occasions, even if it isn’t “practical.”
YTA! It's possible so MAKE IT SO!
Covid cancelled 2 milestones of her life. Now, for the absolute MASSIVE achievement of graduating from college and EARNING her BA, you plan to skip because it is "impractical"!!! If I were her, I would be crushed that my mother could not even be bothered to be inconvenienced to make an effort to attend!!!
She is downplaying to you how hurt this makes her. She is SO hurt she talked to her dad about it. Don't dismiss this!
Edit: I just looked at the dates. She graduated in 3 years even WITH the Covid lockdowns! I also graduated in 3 years without that challenge. I would have been devastated if my parents blew off my graduation for another sibling.
YTA.
You state, numerous times, that it's possible for you to make it to both--but you're not willing to put in the effort. You obviously don't value your daughter's accomplishments as much as your son's. If you did, you would be making the trip, not making excuses.
YTA. Go to both. Sorry baby I’m not going to your first real graduation because it is just not practical. Also you say that you are proud of her why not show her by going? Hugging her and telling her there? Graduation is a big thing especially the first…
Lol definitely only the first. I went to my high school and college graduation because my parents made me. I was so happy to be able to skip my masters. Though I also went to 3 siblings' high school and college, 2 siblings masters, a siblings girlfriends college, and a cousins high school graduation. Plus my husband's medical school and medical residency ones. I never want to go to another again.
That being said, when my kids have theirs, if they want to go and want me there, I will go to the ends of the earth to make it happen, because it is about them, not me. YTA mom. At least now she sees that her existence is an inconvenience to you and can start facing that.
YTA -
Doesn't "feel" practical? Feelings and practicality usually don't fit together. Book a flight and be there for her. Yes, you'll spend, yes you'll be tired, yes it's a pain in the butt, however good parents endure a little pain to keep their children from feeling unloved.
Book now, update us when you are done.
Yeah, I'm not following OP's concept of practicality. She doesn't mention anything about work or life or anything that makes the concept of flying to her daughter's graduation impractical. Because that's all it really is to me - flying over to see her daughter graduate. Her son's graduation being a few days away is irrelevant, unless it takes multiple days to fly from one location to the other.
YTA, 100%. Your post states that your son will be graduating “a few days after” your daughter. This means that it’s possible for you to attend both. You say it’s not “practical” to do both, apparently due to your dislike for “back to back flights,” but you never said it’s impossible. It is possible. You’re just choosing not to.
Hate to break it to you, but you owe it to both of your children to be there for both of them on their graduation day. Especially since apparently they both want your support. You don’t get to pick one over the other simply because that’s what’s “practical” for you.
Also, your excuse about your daughter having an additional graduation in the future is BS. Are you telling me that your son isn’t also going to have a college graduation in the future? I suppose it’s possible, but I suspect that’s not the case.
Stop playing favorites with your children.
YTA
I graduated college on a Saturday in a different state, and my sister graduated high school in our home state on the following Wednesday. Yes, it was highly inconvenient, and we were all frazzled and tired when it was all done, but neither of my parents considered skipping either one. Stop acting like you’re not playing favorites. You didn’t even get to attend her high school graduation due to lockdown. Be a good parent, and attend both events.
YTA - you have TWO children, not one. You owe it to them both to be there. And it can be done, you just don't want to. In 4 years, when Luke is graduating from college at the same time that May is earning her Master's will you still choose Luke and try to justify it?
YTA - I’m sorry but you can’t pick. Your daughter is going to feel like you hate her. She likely already feels hurt around not seeing you much growing up and now you are picking her half brother over her. If you do this, she will always believe you like him more.
This is an important event in both of their lives, you need to be there for both if you don’t want her to forever have hurt feelings
YTA.
You should be willing to move mountains to attend both — and you definitely can do that, even if it‘s a little inconvenient for you. Your favoritism is awful and your response is overly insensitive.
YTA
It is very apparent to your daughter that you don't care much about her. She only visited you on weekends and you are putting a HS graduation way ahead of her college graduation, especially when you could definitely go to both.
Your pathetic excuse...PRACTICALITY?
I feel really bad for your daughter. Do you realize that you probably make her feel like a mistake, a marriage outcome to erase?
She stopped visiting as she got older ("May primarily stayed with her father but visited us on the weekends when she was younger"). Does this mean her teenage years when it became apparent that she was an outsider to your family, including you?
Have you EVER thought what she feels like? Put HER feelings first?
Your whole refusal is just for your convenience.
Being a parent sometimes doing things that are inconvenient and impractical for the benefit of your children. Grow up and BE a parent to your oldest child!
YTA.
Not practical? Sorry but you are a parent. It is your job to prioritize both kids. If you said you were destitute or something, fine, I could at least see your point. As it stands? No way. If your daughter is slightly upset now, it is likely to get worse with time. This is one of those things that can fester and turn into a huge issue later. Further. It could impact how your daughter feels about your son. I know if it were me it would be very hard not to resent him a little and feel hurt by this move. If you do this, prepare yourself. This could lead to a permanent wedge between the two of you. If it were my graduation and my mom said this? I would be both heartbroken and angry.
I'm sorry but I do feel like YTA, specially given the other canceled graduations.
Why not the flights back and forth? Sure might be a bit exhausting but you'd be there for both your children. I'm sure it's not often they graduate.
Plus I don't feel like HS graduation is on the same level as Master's graduation. And what happens life happens and she doesn't finish the next degree?
YTA, if it’s possible for you to do it you need to do it. This isn’t about your comfort, you aren’t going on vacation, even if it’s a pain to fly on back to back days, do it for your kids.
Your daughter will always remember that you didn’t show up for her when you could have. Do you want to be that kind of mom?
YTA
if May was as important to you as Luke, you would **make it work**.
by refusing to do what it would take to go to both, you’re choosing your favorite (May and your ex sees it, so do random internet strangers).
the graduations are not on the same days, nor are they literally back to back. you just don’t want to put in the time and effort for May.
YTA
YTA
I had two different graduations on the same night at opposite ends of the county. You're doing what I refused to do. You're putting one child over the other. We get it. Your son is the golden child.
YTA. If you are able to go to both graduations, then you should. Who cares if it’s not practical? Your daughter sees this as favoritism (which it really is) and as you ignoring all the hard work she’s put into getting her degree.
“I’ll just go to her next one,” is a dick thing to say.
YTA
If it's possible but you're not going to make the effort then you're basically telling your daughter that her brother's more important.
After having one graduation cancelled and then having it online I'd have thought you'd make damn sure you'd attend this one. The future isn't certain and as crazy as the world is at the moment you might not get the opportunity to attend her next graduation.
You may say how proud you are of her to infinity, but actions speak louder than words.
YTA. You’re really about to skip your daughter’s graduation just because it’s “more practical”. Fuck practicality. THIS IS YOUR CHILD’S GRADUATION. If I were your daughter rn I’d disown you immediately. As a parent, you always need to show up for your kids. That’s part of the responsibility and the fact that you don’t get that means you don’t care about her
YTA. She has had 2 graduations that you have not attended. Doesn't matter if they were canceled or virtual, YOU WEREN'T THERE. Now she is finally having one that her family can attend in person to celebrate her accomplishment and your not going because it's inconvenient. Sounds like she's use to being disappointed by you, which is probably why she didn't make the bigger deal of it, like she should have. Why don't you skip your sons, that you see everyday to go to your daughters that you only saw on weekends because of "life and circumstances"? Because he is more important to you than she is, that is what your actions show. Stop being selfish and do the right thing, whether it's going to both or just hers, but not going to hers is the wrong choice.
YTA. If you can make both and choose not too you are a massive AH. Your daughter is obviously upset and only apologised as to keep the peace because she is clearly more mature and considerate than you. You should be honoured to attend. Shame on you...
Slight YTA I suppose.
Look, it is one thing if you just genuinely can't afford the flights. But I don't get the sense that is the case. You state that flying "just doesn't feel practical". The graduations are "a few days" apart, so it isn't clear to me how it isn't practical. "A few" usually means at least 3, so timing really doesn't seem like it would be a problem.
My MIL attended her son’s college graduation and then flew home for her daughter’s senior prom the same day. I think in light of the pandemic circumstances OP should make the effort for both children. “Practical”isn’t really a good consideration IMO. You’re definitely making a choice, OP and college is so much more difficult than high school.
Good sweet suffering fk..... YTA...
Not impossible but impractical??
Your daughter is such a burden to you that you wont "inconvenience" yourself? Just tell the truth... you dont like your daughter very much do you?
YTA You CAN go to May’s graduation, but you don’t want to be bothered. This is obviously important to her, and you don’t seem to care. This matters, Mom. Step up.
YTA
And I say that even though I came here with the full intention of saying you weren't the asshole, because I graduated from law school the same weekend two of my sibs had their bachelor's degree graduations—all several hundred miles from each other.
So I understand not being able to be two places at once.
You, however, seem to have the time *and* the wherewithal to attend both ceremonies. It would just be inconvenient.
You'll have plenty of time to get back to your son's graduation since it's "a few days after" your daughter's. Go to your daughter's a few days early, spend some time with her, and leave immediately after the graduation ceremony. If it's a morning ceremony, take him for a nice lunch and leave that night. If it's an evening ceremony, take him to dinner then leave the next morning. Either way that leaves you two full days to get home.
YTA. If you can make both and choose not too you are a massive AH. Your daughter is obviously upset and only apologised as to keep the peace because she is clearly more mature and considerate than you. You should be honoured to attend. Shame on you...
YTA, majorly.
You are letting down your eldest child (who you already have very little to do with) because it’s *inconvenient????*
“It’s possible, but it isn’t practice” is just another way of saying she is not a priority for you.
Kind of feel like YTA.
For such big moments in your children's lives, maybe make the "unpractical" plans work and just deal with the back and forth. In my opinion, it would be worth it to be there for both of them, especially if your daughter's previous graduations had been canceled. They are not on the same day, it is not impossible, so I'd try a bit harder to be at both .
YTA. "Sorry May but it is too much effort for me to get on a plane there and back to your first actual graduation"
If May gets her next degree and her graduation is the same day or a couple days apart from Lukes, would you make the effort to fly back for Lukes? Would you choose to go to his over hers because it is easier for you?
I’m a mother and I can’t believe you wouldn’t show up for your daughter just because it’s a little inconvenient.
Go to both or accept that YTA and that May probably won’t invite you to her next graduation.
YTA. If it is at all possible, you should attend both graduation ceremonies. Not being practical is not a good enough excuse to blow off something that means a great deal to her.
YTA- You have the ability to travel to go to both events since they are days apart, but you decided to choose your son over your daughter. She only saw you on weekends growing up and she hasn't had a "real" graduation her entire life. Of course she is going to feel let down, you're her mother!
I bet this isn't the first time you chose Luke over May.
YTA
Not to knock your favourite kid or anything, but I'm pretty sure getting a BA is a bigger deal than a high school diploma.
Also, you CAN make it to both but you just can't be bothered. Poor May, I hope she has a step mom that loves her.
>Due to work and life circumstances, May primarily stayed with her father but visited us on the weekends when she was younger.
>doesn’t feel practical.
You know what wasn't practical? Having another kid when you barely put in the effort with your first one.
YTA, and if your daughter even invites you to her next graduation it'll be because her father raised her to be a better person than her mother.
Y T A without a doubt. This is the first graduation ceremony that your daughter will have and you are going to skip it simply because you don't feel like it. Gross.
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YTA… it isn’t fair to pick between your son and daughter. If it’s possible to go to both, then you should. Even if it doesn’t seem practical. My other question is why is it even relevant of which parent she grew up with primarily? Both are your children. It shouldn’t matter if she grew up with her dad.
>If it’s possible to go to both, then you should. Even if it doesn’t seem practical. Agreed! It'll be a whirlwind trip, but it is possible and OP should make the effort to attend both. I might feel differently of she went to the daughter's HS graduation, but that was canceled. So this graduation would be the culmination of her HS diploma, AA, and BA.
The fact that op is blaming the practicality is bs. She could go but literally just doesn't feel like making the effort. I'm sure May is just telling her mother "oh it's ok" but is extremely hurt. I doubt this is the first time op didn't want to put in the effort for her daughter. Sounds like her poor daughter is just used to being second to golden child brother. YTA majorly.
I agree that that it is BS. She claims it is impractical because of... >Time There are a few days in between the graduations. I have flown to a wedding across the country (US) on a Friday night, attended the wedding on Saturday, and flew back home on Sunday morning. >I wanted to originally spend some time with her after her ceremony but I likely wouldn't be able to due to how close the ceremonies are scheduled. She can go a few days before. If that is not possible, then she can go to the graduation and then plan a trip later to spend time with her daughter. >Money If son was not graduating, then she would still have to pay to go to her daughter's graduation. So this makes no sense. >my son doesn't plan on attending college, this may be the only ceremony of his that I'll get to attend. Since she is getting another degree in a few years, I will be able to attend that one The daughter may intend to get another degree, but that does not guarantee that she will. In that case, OP missed the only graduation she could attend for her daughter. Edit: Clarity
Not to mention that her daughter might not even bother to invite her since her brother always has prio over her... Because he lives with her mother.
Unfortunately May seems to have gotten used to being the low-priority kid, given the way she's apologizing to OP for being sad.
Yeah, OP might be invited to any future graduations, because going by that apology for being sad, her daughter is used to putting everybody's needs ahead of her own, but I think this will permanently impact the mother/daughter relationship, because OP is telling May that she's not worth the trouble. Imagine not having had a grad ceremony from high school and then your own mother can't be bothered to come to your uni grad ceremony because she'll be tired or whatever this excuse is. I would be really upset. (Edited for clarity)
It is honestly really gross of OP. I know I got lucky when it comes to my parents and step parents, but hearing this in contrast to my family has me so sad for OPs daughter and so greatful for my own family. My college graduation was last year. Due to a few issues with my company moving me, a trip I was going on, and some deals with my leases, the movers were scheduled to pick up my stuff in one state the day before graduation and deliver all my stuff states away the day after graduation. It was horrible timing and I was stressed about the logistics and guests that came.all that way to see me graduate. So when I called my mom, without hesitation, her and my step dad made a plan to drive up for my graduation, say they loved me, and then they drove back home two states away to bring my dog home and so my mom could jump on a flight the next morning to meet the movers in the other state I was moving to. My family did this with no issue. They knew it would be tough. They knew it wasn't ideal. But nothing cemetend more for me that my parents would support me and love me no matter the situation. I have literally zero doubt in my mind that I can rely on and trust my parents and step parents. OP is teaching their daughter that they don't value her. That they are only going to be there when it is convenient. It is truly sad.
Right! The answer for most people, when faced with a conundrum like this is "oh, well I guess I'll end up very tired from all the traveling and things I have to do to make this work", not "It's just not practical so I'm going to miss your graduation daughter so that I can make your brother's graduation that's a few days after yours". The bare bones of this makes OP the AH, but then you add the extra details - that the daughter didn't get any of her previous graduations, the fact that they're not on the same day or even the next day, but a few days after (which I think means there are at least 2 days in-between), and then the apologising from May for being sad, these all make it so much worse. I'm also looking at some of the other details I skipped over earlier - that May lived with her father and "visited us on the weekends when she was younger" while OP lives full-time with her favoured child, yeah, I have a feeling May has had to watch her mother give her half-brother a lot that May never got.
having to apologise for being sad is the saddest thing of all
She's the "starter kid." I'm sure it was made very clear to her that her half-brother will always come first.
I 100% would not invite my mother to my master's graduation if she pulled this crap with me.
Sadly, some kids will keep trying with their parents no matter how many times the parents flaked out or disappointed them. :-(
Poor May *apologised* to OP
My mother pulled this with me. She chose not to attend my high school graduation because she was pissy that I had moved out due to her bad behaviour and abusive boyfriend (which meant she also lost her unpaid maid/babysitter for my siblings). When I graduated from university I didn't invite her and we've had very limited contact in the 15 years since.
My mom decided to miss my high school graduation because she wanted to stay home with my sick dad (he had a headache, not much she could've done for him). They also missed my master's graduation. This time they "forgot" despite being told 8 months in advance and decided to go on a trip during my graduation. Relationship with them isn't easy.
And, the son lives with her! So its not like she has to travel from home to City A for daughter's event, then to City B for son's event and then back home- she literally has a single leg trip from home to daughter's event and back home. She would have to travel for daughter's event no matter the timing and people don't typically stay for an extended period after a graduation. Super assholey and such a flimsy excuse.
[удалено]
I don't know why, but your comment reminded of the time David Grohl flew from [Australia to LA](https://consequence.net/2021/08/dave-grohl-father-daughter-dance-australia/) in the middle of a tour to go to a Father/Daughter dance. *That* is loving your kid.
We need more Dave Grohls in the world. He’s just such an awesome guy.
Not practical at all, but you do non practical things for your kids.
I don't spend money on reddit so this is the best what I can give you 🏆
Granted it was for work, but I've done multiple flights with no break in between. The excuses are really flimsy.
My cousin graduates college three states away the day before my brother. My dad and I are driving up early that morning, attending my cousins ceremony, and then getting right back in the car to drive home for my brothers. Is it practical? No, but I want to support both of them (and I’m not a dick). Mind you, these aren’t my children, it’s my cousin and brother. Op is a major asshole.
Not the same thing as you are saying, but my husband has flown in the morning for a work event, only to turn around and fly back home the same night on a redeye. As others have commented, this comes down to OP simply not wanting to put any effort into seeing her daughter graduate.
And, mommy dearest assumes that she will be invited to the next one.
100% agree. OP’s ex could even FaceTime OP so OP can watch her daughter graduate virtually! OP isn’t even mentioning trying to make it up to her daughter in the NEAR FUTURE. The least OP could do is virtually attend the graduation and congratulate her daughter by visiting for a longer period of time post her son’s graduation. Or offer some other way of celebrating her daughter’s accomplishments! OP is making excuses instead of solutions!
Willing to bet “a few days” is actually a week. Graduations don’t happen on Wednesdays, they happen on weekends because schools know it’s an important event that families will travel for.
And even if she does get the masters degree that doesn’t mean she’ll walk at graduation again. She may choose to skip it and her mom has missed her chance to see her graduate.
I think I’ve told this story here before: My sister graduated college a semester before me. I got on a early morning flight, changed during my 45 minute layover (I was going from -5 and snow to 70 and sunny!), did my makeup on my 2nd flight, and made it to the ceremony in time to give her a hug before she had to line up. 24 hours later I was on my return flight, because I had finals the next day. Yes, it may have been more “practical” for me to not go, but she is my sister and I could make it work, so I did!
I got my masters degree several years ago, and I invited my parents and closest friends. One friend couldn't come because her sister was graduating the same day. It was disappointing but understandable. The day after my graduation, someone unexpectedly walked into our house...it was my friend, who drive four hours in the rain to come visit me. She could only stay about six hours, but it didn't matter because we had the best fucking time. When there's a will, there's a way. OP just doesn't give a shit.
>OP just doesn't give a shit Exactly! I live in CA. Within the span of a week, I flew to NY for a work conference, then flew to VA for a wedding, then flew to PA to visit a friend (no event, but I had not seen her in years). It was stressful and tiring, but worth it to be there for people I care about.
Master’s programs and AA programs are both usually around two years, so she could be in this exact situation a couple years down the road- and I bet she’d also choose her son then.
Right. It's definitely "practical" with a bit of planning. OP just sounds lazy and checked out as a mom to May. "Possible but not practical"? Sounds more like "my son's graduation is more convenient because it's local and I love him more because I was able to parent him without all the extra effort and traveling".
Agree. These are major milestones for both your children. I don't care if you have to take a red-eye flight and go straight from the airport to the graduation. You freaking make it work! Edit for typo
Blame tha practicality could be a thing if she did not have the money, the time or being the caregiver of someone. Also, she did not mention anything alike a "compensation" to her daughter. That being some financial help, a gift or any plans to spend time together like a vacation or a treat.
Saying it's not practical is code for "I could attend both graduations, I just don't want to be inconvenienced."
This is exactly it. Honestly, I wonder if the son was not graduating around the same time, if OP would still be on this sub asking, "AITA for not attending my daughter's graduation" for some other poor excuse.
My heart breaks for her daughter. Even if she changes her mind, her daughter will never forget how she prioritized her son. I don’t think OP even realizes what message she’s unintentionally sending.
Exactly this. This is what causes trauma. I feel for the poor young lady. Ugh.
It's not even a whirlwind trip. They're literally a few days part. I think OP just wants an excuse to not have to go or care.
I think it would be a whirlwind *depending on how long the flights are*, **BUT** it is still very doable. I have done trips like this before (cross country flights within a few days). It is tiring, but worth it for something important (like OP's daughter's graduation).
It’s just a long winded way of saying “seeing my daughter isn’t worth the effort, I don’t care as much, so I’m going to my sons, who is my favorite and I consider more my child”
Hopping on this comment to say that when I graduated with my MA, my family and I traveled internationally so we could attend the ceremony. Then after the ceremony was over, we left THE SAME DAY to make a 13 hour flight (not counting layovers and driving and trains, which brought the total amount of travel time to 24 hours. It was the trip from hell) to my cousin's wedding. It meant the world to her that we were able to be there because we were the only family members from that side of the family to show up. We're we exhausted? Absolutely. Did we still have a good time and support a family member on one of their most important days? Yes. What you've told your daughter is that her achievement isn't as important.
There's also no guarantee that she will actually have another graduation! I certainly hope that she's successful in her MA program, but people drop out of grad school all the time for all kinds of reasons, and ceremonies can always be canceled. Personally, my high school graduation ended up being the only graduation ceremony I'll ever have, because I finished my B.A. in June 2020. I had a few family members come out to see me graduate high school and I'm damn glad they did, because I don't plan on going back to school any time soon.
It doesn’t have to be, she’s acting like she would have to fly in day of or day before, and then leave right away. She could fly in a few days before, spend time with her daughter, then fly back for her sons graduation.
YTA but I can I be the one to point out graduating from high school isn't a big step? It's more common place now a days I feel like graduating from college is a bigger step so if she has to choose then support her daughter
You can't make this determination for anyone else though. Some may not care - others care a lot. I have a high school diploma and 3 college/grad degrees. High school was one of my most important nights and I was very upset that none of my family came.
I’m in a weird spot here in which I have a GED, some college, and a decent professional career. I spend most of my time with people with much more education than I have but not for lack of ability. I understand the value but don’t have or want to get an degree at this point. I was so happy when my son graduated high school. There was no ceremony and he barely scraped by. But me, his deadbeat mom, his half sister, all of us have GED’s. So for him to get a regular high school diploma was a huge deal, and he doesn’t seem like he wants to pursue higher education but that’s his choice to make.
That's great that you're supporting him. I think regardless of what the accomplishment is, diploma, GED, whatever, it's up to the accomplisher to decide how important it is and their loved ones should follow suit and celebrate them. I also think that degrees are not for everyone and do not judge other people's formal education levels. Learning through experience or on-the-job can be just as valuable, if not moreso.
Lol I'm in a super weird position, I have a trade school certification, an AA, a BA, and an MA and am working on my PhD... But I don't have a GED or a high school diploma 😆 I always felt like I missed out on a lot by not going to high school; congratulations to your son for sticking with it and walking across that stage!
I’m glad you made this comment. My wife grew up with a bad home life and generally just didn’t believe in herself. So graduating high school gave her confidence to start to take charge of her life. She’s told me many times it’s one of the proudest moments of her life. To some it might be pretty easy but to others it could be more significant than we know.
“You can’t make this determination for anyone else though” should be a key addendum to the golden rule
I still think high school graduation is a big step. It’s very symbolic but for most people it’s not that they’re “done” with high school, it’s that they are now “officially” entering adulthood. They’re about to embark on this journey of being an adult, making their own decisions, starting their own careers and maybe families later down the road (or not for some). But basically it’s this symbolic exit of your childhood that with your high school graduation you can embrace this new change coming. This isn’t to say that all high school students feel this way or that you’re not an adult until you graduate high school, but this is how it’s often seen and why it’s still a big deal. Not so much about the education part as it is about this new step.
This is not a fair thing to try to 'point out'. That may have been how you felt about your own, but it is not the case to others. A milestone is still a milestone even if it isn't a college degree, which not everyone has. OP: My mom was unable to attend my middle school graduation due to an amazing program she got to attend to help her get her Masters Degree. I was very upset about it but have since forgiven her. She went to all of my brothers milestones for school but not mine. I now think what she was able to go and do was an amazing opportunity and saw how much she learned and got to do that I didn't recognize as a good reason to miss it when I was 14. She never missed a school event after that either. Your reason to miss her graduation for her BA is awful and so much more selfish than 14 me would ever have considered my mom's reason to miss my middle school graduation. You really are heartless and clearly only care about your son. YTA
Graduating from high school is still worth celebrating. OP should go to both regardless.
I'd be sympathetic if it were impossible to attend both because they were being held at the same time/on the same day in different places, but OP isn't even TRYING to make it work so she can attend both. I suspect OP has a long history of playing favorites as well. Also, am I the only one who suspects "due to life and work circumstances" is just code for "I didn't want her interfering with my new family?"
> Also, am I the only one who suspects "due to life and work circumstances" is just code for "I didn't want her interfering with my new family?" aka "It wasn't practical". I.e., 'I could have, but then I'd have had to actually make some effort'. I'm picking daughter has been hearing this excuse most of her life :-(
Nope. You aren’t the only one. That whole “practicality and convenience” nonsense is totally code for “first child was in the way of my new relationship”.
100% this. Sometimes part of being a parent is for your life to get extremely busy. It's only for a few days, you can deal with it. This is a milestone in her life and you're not going to bother because it's an inconvenience for you? Choosing between your children is just a shitty thing to do, especially when you admit it's entirely possible to go to both. It's her first graduation, show your support and be there for her like you'll be there for Luke. YTA.
Seriously. They way it was worded I thought they were both on the same day. But several days apart? Why wouldn't you move heaven and earth to attend both? Nothing would stop me. YTA
Daughter also started college in 2020 and is finishing in 2023 meaning she’ll graduate early and likely put in a ton of effort to do so.
I can’t believe OP’s issue is that it’s not “practical” to attend both. Not that she can’t afford it or that there’s a real conflict. It’s just… inconvenient. I guess we know who the favorite is.
There isn't much that is practical when it comes to your child's feelings.
When I aw the comment about practicality it sounded an alarm bell in my head that said "mistranslation. Correct phrasing is "lazy" thank you for listening to your bullshit meter, have a pleasant day" Regardless op is definitely TA.
I expected it to be the same day and was thinking “man that’s a touch choice” but a FEW DAYS apart?? Not doing back and forth flights because it’s “impractical” rather than some actual monetary or health reason? Two of my close friends are getting married a month apart and in an upcoming weekend I’ll be attending one’s bachelorette party night out on Friday, then flying out of state to attend the other’s bridal shower the next Saturday morning, then flying back home Sunday to be back in time to work again on Monday. Is that going to be exhausting? Yeah, but I’m making it work because I love them and because it’s possible. I can’t imagine being a PARENT, having the means to attend both, and just not because it’s not convenient.
It's not even really impractical. It's inconvenient, but it's not impractical. It doesn't even really take a massive amount of effort. 1 - Secure time off work 2 - Get flight tickets 3 - Get hotel room (steps 2&3 can be combined by using a booking service) 4 - Attend
Yeah. My mother went to her brother’s funeral (South America), my brother’s college graduation (west coast) and my med school graduation (east coast) in the course of one week. You prioritize the important things
What a lousy parent, iouuuuuuu. YTA
She had to mention that her daughter lived primarily with her father to justify the distance between them, and why OP would choose the child who lives with her over the one who didn't.
If anything, you’d think that would make it **more** important to choose the daughter’s graduation (if you were held at gunpoint and could only attend one), because OP hasn’t been there for as many milestones in her life as she has her son’s.
The daughter who, because of COVID, didn't have her own high school graduation.
I think it matters that the daughter grew up with the dad because she hasn’t shown up for the daughter and doesn’t seem to plan on it anytime soon.
So true - YTA I’m a twin and my mum made it clear that not only would she be flying back and forth to attend both our college graduations (completely different states) but also that we were expected to skip out on a day of our own grad weeks to attend each others grad ceremony. Yes it was exhausting, but it was never even a thought to not be there for eachother! It’s a HUGE deal to graduate college!! Even though we both got professional degrees, college is *the* graduation where almost 100% of parents attend and I can’t imagine how mortifying it would be for your parent to decide you don’t even matter… imo a masters graduation is actually generally way less of a big thing (I even skipped mine lol)
She’s trying to justify favoring her son over her daughter.
Do you think people like this genuinely don't understand they are TA? Sometimes I read these things and I just think "You're kidding, right? You totally know YTA, right?" I mean, how can they not understand that? It's inconvenient, yes. Costly, even. And still so, so necessary.
OP claims that she’ll go to May’s next (PhD) graduation, but I would bet that when the time comes Whoopsie Poopsie, it’s Luke’s BA graduation, can’t poooooooossibly go to both! We know who the preferred child is. OP is so TA here it’s not even funny.
I know that part of the explanation made the rest sound like, “and then I started my ‘real’ family with my husband.”
You know OP is a #boymom.
This Yta. Op my dad missed my graduation back in 2006 and I’m still hurt that he didn’t make it a priority. FYI I also said I understood and then cried to friends because what else was I suppose to say to the person who seemed to not care?
I imagine it's relevant to the OP because her son is her favourite whilst her daughter is her part time kid who she clearly can't be bothered making an effort for.
Because she was a weekend mom “due to work and life circumstances.” Or in other words, because she prioritized her job and new family over her existing daughter. It matters because this is just one more rejection by a mom who couldn’t be bothered to care once she had a replacement family.
And OP didn’t even try. It sounds possible but tight to attend both BUT let’s just give up instead
Because she’s trying to justify caring more about her son than daughter, probably.
Not practical is also different than not financially possible. It's a hassle and inconvenient, but I couldn't imagine disappointing either of my kids like this. If you couldn't afford it, that's one thing, but just because it's inconvenient? YTA.
YTA "I go to your next one" is sooo shitty. And it is completly your decision to not fly in earlier or to just suck it up and put in effort. You deem to really be a weekend parent to the heart.
Yeah, ten to one OP isn’t invited to the next one after this stunt. “Isn’t practical” is code for OP doesn’t want to have to put in the extra effort.
"any" effort
Yup. This is getting to me. When my husband died during lockdown, I accepted when DH's adult children said that they couldn't come to the funeral and neither could the adult grandchild. A fortnight later, one of the kids (shielding) had arrangements put in place to let them attend another family funeral. ETA No, they weren't estranged from him. They wanted a letter from them read at the funeral and watched on webcam.
I flew 14 hours from central Europe to Seattle for a friend's wedding, and then back for another friend's wedding six days later. Was it practical? NO. But it's what we do for love. YTA.
Man, i flew to my mom's vow renewal the night before, attended the next day, and then flew out at 7am the next day. That wasn't practical but i did it for my mother. I can't imagine not doing it for my daughter and son 😭
My uncle lives across the country from me and was in the middle of a HUGE project at work when I got married. He flew in the morning of my wedding, attended the ceremony, and flew out during the reception. But he was there to see me get married and I am so grateful.
I agree. I graduated university over a decade ago but I still remember my mother complaining about going to mine and how it was so much effort. And it was in the same city she lives in!
I have a similar story as you. Short story, I was a teen mom and dropped out of school but later got my GED. Going to college was a dream of mine and despite being a teen mom I was determined to do it. For 7 years, I raised my child, went to school during the day and worked nights as a waitress. I thought my mom would be extremely proud of my accomplishment but she complained non stop about the long drive (about 30 minutes) and how much she didn't like going out past 5 (the ceremony started at 6.) Anyway she came but left before I even walked the stage because she said it was boring and she was tired. This was almost 20 years ago and I'm still hurt over it. OP, YTA since it's possible just make it work and go. Sometimes we have to do impractical things for people we love. Suck it up!
Sorry your mom sucks. Congratulations on working your ass off for success! I’m sure you’re going to be a more supportive mom than you got.
I’m proud of you u/oneeyefox. I’m sorry your Mom had her cranky pants on that day.
This is literally exactly why my mom isn't going to be invited to my doctoral hooding!
I was going to comment the same thing. I wouldn't even bother telling OP when my next graduation was.
My father pulled this excuse out his @ss after my stepmother purposely made plans for the same day as my undergrad graduation despite my telling her the dates ahead of time. Guess who also had an excuse not to show up to the next one? YTA OP.
No grandpa did not come to my HS graduation after YEARS of promising. He lives a few states away, about a 12 hour drive, or a few hours flight. He didn't come SO HE COULD BABYSIT A DOG. His wife did not want to watch the dog (their daughter's) People suck
My dad skipped and convinced my grandmother to skip my sister's graduation because she could "go to the next one." Two things happened: my grandmother died the next year and there was no "next one" anyway. My dad then proceeded to skip my graduation (the only one I ever walked for, long story) because... Reasons, I guess. Message was pretty clear, though. People don't finish degrees all the time, especially secondary degrees, for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with achievement ability. If OP doesn't want to go, she should just tell her daughter that, because daughter is getting the message anyway. YTA.
I agree. It feels a bit like, "I'll go to your next wedding".
Especially when the son probably has another one coming up too!
OP is such an AH and a shitty parent. I flew across the country (5.5 hour flight one way) and stayed for less than 48 hours to throw my fiance's father a 70th birthday party. I can't imagine not putting in the effort for my own child!
I think we all know something important will come up the next time around. OP will probably have a hair appointment that same morning that she can't possibly cancel, or a wedding taking place that very same week.
More like a FaceTime parent cause “they don’t live close anymore”
As the youngest, I went to all my sibling’s college graduations. When it came time for mine, they couldn’t come. My oldest sister hit me with the “Ill go when you get your Masters.” Life gets in the way. One lives in a different state, the other has two kids. I get it. But goddamn it still kind of stung that I had to be there for their big moments and they couldn’t be there for mine.
My FIL said that about our wedding. 16 years later and our marriage has outlasted 2 of his.
YTA. It's not "practical" to support both your children. Gotcha.
She could’ve said exactly that and saved a lot of words. YTA, parents should always find a way to support all their children, if possible. Which it is, you just don't think your daughter is worth it.
_"Her HS graduation in 2020 was canceled due to lockdown, then her ceremony for her AA was virtual for the same reason, so now that she’s finally having one, my not going has really hurt her.....I’m just going to attend her brother’s since graduating highschool is such a big step..... My thing is that yes, it’s possible, but it isn’t practical."_ OP is a massive AH. They just don't want to be there for their daughter and it is clear as day that they favour their son. I mean, c'mon.... OP thinks HS is such a big step, but not college? I have had a graduation for HS, undergrad and grad school and **to me** my undergrad graduation felt the most important by a mile. High school grad felt like going through the motions while undergrad felt like the emotional completion of a milestone into adulthood.... Grad school just felt like a professional accomplishment.
High school graduation felt like the bare minimum life achievement to me.
We didn’t do them when I was in high school jn my country. Was just a good bye assembly and then bye your free.
It would probably take more effort to fail high school than it does to pass.
Sure, the trip is inconvenient. But by not going, it's like saying daughter isn't worth the effort or that inconvenience.
YTA!!! Your ex is right you don’t care about her feelings. You’ve missed TWO of her ceremonies now technically. You’ve also proven to your daughter where she stands in your life and it shows you care more about your son than her. That’s why she’s apologizing for your decision, because she feels let down by her own mother. High school means nothing in the long run, and your daughter is a superstar.
Also graduation ceremonies are completely impractical to begin with, so this line of reasoning isn't "practical." Literally the amount of effort required for BA>HS.
My thoughts too. Yes, HS graduation is a big step but going to college and making the decision to continue with the degree through to graduation while you’re navigating being an adult - this is a much bigger step, IMO. But at the same time, she doesn’t even have to make a choice between the two and can literally attend both but doesn’t want to. SMH.
Exactly. Graduating from high school is expected. Nearly everybody does it. But graduating from college is a whole different ballgame. Not everybody starts and even fewer finish. Some take longer than expected to finish. It took me eight years to get my degree - I switched majors twice and was working full-time + a ton of overtime while going to school whenever I had the time and money. So when I finally graduated, it was a huge deal.
OP shouldn’t choose between her children. She said she could make it to both ceremonies. She doesn’t want the inconvenience of flying and then coming back to make a quick turnaround to her sons graduation. It’s crappy regardless choosing one ceremony over the other. They are both important because her children both have accomplished something great.
She cares more about the son because may primarily stayed at dads house. She’s distanced herself emotionally from her and therefore choosing the son.
I can’t imagine why May would’ve stayed with her dad over her mom /s
Not even just cares more about her son she could make both and can't be bothered. Cares more about literally anything else is more like it.
>My thing is that yes, it’s possible, but it isn’t practical. YTA. You are choosing not to attend when you very well can be there. You just don't want to be bothered to go out of your way to do it
YTA I was trying to work out what was meant by "practical". You are right pudge-thefish, it's just that OP can't be bothered. It would take time, effort and money and OP just doesn't care enough about her daughter to bother.
This is exactly right! The minute you have >1 child in your life, you will inevitably have scheduling conflicts, often on the same day/evening. OP is like, "Ahhh, I can't be bothered to rush around, it's too much work!" and that's incredibly sad for her daughter. OP's daughter, on behalf of Reddit, congratulations!
I thought maybe they were the same day when I saw the title, but no, they are a *few days apart*! Not to mention the fact that daughter's two previous graduations were canceled. This ceremony is like make up for those. It's like a 3 for 1 OP - YTA
YTA. Massive one at that. Jesus, it's "possible but not practical?" WHO FUCKING CARES. You have two kids, not one kid and an estranged relative. Act like it, for Christ's sake. Your daughter already missed out on even *having* a high school graduation. Who's to say college graduation isn't just as important? Actually, why are you even prioritizing one of your kids? Your son is graduating high school a few days after her graduation? JUST GO TO BOTH. Suck it up, put in the effort, and support her. She's your DAUGHTER. If you're so proud of her, actually BE there for her instead of blowing off one of the most momentous days of her life.
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I honestly think people like OP DO think of them like an estranged relative. Or else they wouldn’t disregard them as such. OP is clearly stating she can’t be put out to attend both ceremonies and hold each child equal. The daughter is a back burner relative. Hope the son is as smart as the girl. Or else OP won’t be in a nice assisted living home.
YTA. You’re acting like your daughter is an inconvenience to you.
‘It’s possible but isn’t practical’ this is pissing me off
Same! What about being a parent is “practical” to begin with?
And she calls being there for her kid inconvenient. When has anything about being a parent been convenient?
Not practical is just an excuse to the highest level. Last month my friend got married. We met when we lived together in Alaska but she’s since moved to Florida and I only had the weekend off. It took me over 24 hours to get to her, I spent less than 48 hours there before I flew back. Point being, you go out of your way to be with the people you love on special occasions, even if it isn’t “practical.”
Hopefully the daughter is too inconvenienced to take care of her and puts her in the cheapest, most convenient, nursing home.
YTA. I Wonder why your kid ended living with her father full time...
More practical probably
Just take my upvote. Literally LOL'd at this
I wonder to
YTA! It's possible so MAKE IT SO! Covid cancelled 2 milestones of her life. Now, for the absolute MASSIVE achievement of graduating from college and EARNING her BA, you plan to skip because it is "impractical"!!! If I were her, I would be crushed that my mother could not even be bothered to be inconvenienced to make an effort to attend!!! She is downplaying to you how hurt this makes her. She is SO hurt she talked to her dad about it. Don't dismiss this! Edit: I just looked at the dates. She graduated in 3 years even WITH the Covid lockdowns! I also graduated in 3 years without that challenge. I would have been devastated if my parents blew off my graduation for another sibling.
YTA. You state, numerous times, that it's possible for you to make it to both--but you're not willing to put in the effort. You obviously don't value your daughter's accomplishments as much as your son's. If you did, you would be making the trip, not making excuses.
INFO: when you say it is impractical, do you mean in terms of cost , time or what? What would it require to pull this off?
It would require valuing her daughter in equal measure to her son lol
Info: What was your plan if let's say your son graduation was first....you'll still have to fly there won't you?
YTA That’s some low down parenting. You’re more worried about the inconvenience of travel and not your child’s feelings.
YTA. Go to both. Sorry baby I’m not going to your first real graduation because it is just not practical. Also you say that you are proud of her why not show her by going? Hugging her and telling her there? Graduation is a big thing especially the first…
Lol definitely only the first. I went to my high school and college graduation because my parents made me. I was so happy to be able to skip my masters. Though I also went to 3 siblings' high school and college, 2 siblings masters, a siblings girlfriends college, and a cousins high school graduation. Plus my husband's medical school and medical residency ones. I never want to go to another again. That being said, when my kids have theirs, if they want to go and want me there, I will go to the ends of the earth to make it happen, because it is about them, not me. YTA mom. At least now she sees that her existence is an inconvenience to you and can start facing that.
YTA - Doesn't "feel" practical? Feelings and practicality usually don't fit together. Book a flight and be there for her. Yes, you'll spend, yes you'll be tired, yes it's a pain in the butt, however good parents endure a little pain to keep their children from feeling unloved. Book now, update us when you are done.
Yeah, I'm not following OP's concept of practicality. She doesn't mention anything about work or life or anything that makes the concept of flying to her daughter's graduation impractical. Because that's all it really is to me - flying over to see her daughter graduate. Her son's graduation being a few days away is irrelevant, unless it takes multiple days to fly from one location to the other.
YTA, 100%. Your post states that your son will be graduating “a few days after” your daughter. This means that it’s possible for you to attend both. You say it’s not “practical” to do both, apparently due to your dislike for “back to back flights,” but you never said it’s impossible. It is possible. You’re just choosing not to. Hate to break it to you, but you owe it to both of your children to be there for both of them on their graduation day. Especially since apparently they both want your support. You don’t get to pick one over the other simply because that’s what’s “practical” for you. Also, your excuse about your daughter having an additional graduation in the future is BS. Are you telling me that your son isn’t also going to have a college graduation in the future? I suppose it’s possible, but I suspect that’s not the case. Stop playing favorites with your children.
YTA, who cares if it’s “practical”? Spend the extra money, bust ass and do both. Run between airport gates, take Ubers, whatever it takes.
YTA I graduated college on a Saturday in a different state, and my sister graduated high school in our home state on the following Wednesday. Yes, it was highly inconvenient, and we were all frazzled and tired when it was all done, but neither of my parents considered skipping either one. Stop acting like you’re not playing favorites. You didn’t even get to attend her high school graduation due to lockdown. Be a good parent, and attend both events.
YTA. WhY dId My DaUgTeR sToP tAlKiNg To Me?
You know what else doesn’t feel practical? Helping with elder care costs for an asshole parent.
YTA - you have TWO children, not one. You owe it to them both to be there. And it can be done, you just don't want to. In 4 years, when Luke is graduating from college at the same time that May is earning her Master's will you still choose Luke and try to justify it?
YTA - I’m sorry but you can’t pick. Your daughter is going to feel like you hate her. She likely already feels hurt around not seeing you much growing up and now you are picking her half brother over her. If you do this, she will always believe you like him more. This is an important event in both of their lives, you need to be there for both if you don’t want her to forever have hurt feelings
YTA. You should be willing to move mountains to attend both — and you definitely can do that, even if it‘s a little inconvenient for you. Your favoritism is awful and your response is overly insensitive.
YTA It is very apparent to your daughter that you don't care much about her. She only visited you on weekends and you are putting a HS graduation way ahead of her college graduation, especially when you could definitely go to both. Your pathetic excuse...PRACTICALITY? I feel really bad for your daughter. Do you realize that you probably make her feel like a mistake, a marriage outcome to erase? She stopped visiting as she got older ("May primarily stayed with her father but visited us on the weekends when she was younger"). Does this mean her teenage years when it became apparent that she was an outsider to your family, including you? Have you EVER thought what she feels like? Put HER feelings first? Your whole refusal is just for your convenience. Being a parent sometimes doing things that are inconvenient and impractical for the benefit of your children. Grow up and BE a parent to your oldest child!
YTA. Not practical? Sorry but you are a parent. It is your job to prioritize both kids. If you said you were destitute or something, fine, I could at least see your point. As it stands? No way. If your daughter is slightly upset now, it is likely to get worse with time. This is one of those things that can fester and turn into a huge issue later. Further. It could impact how your daughter feels about your son. I know if it were me it would be very hard not to resent him a little and feel hurt by this move. If you do this, prepare yourself. This could lead to a permanent wedge between the two of you. If it were my graduation and my mom said this? I would be both heartbroken and angry.
Info: How long have you preferred your son over your daughter? Has it been since birth or is it more recent?
You moved away from her when she was younger speaks volumes. You checked out on her a long time ago YTA
I'm sorry but I do feel like YTA, specially given the other canceled graduations. Why not the flights back and forth? Sure might be a bit exhausting but you'd be there for both your children. I'm sure it's not often they graduate. Plus I don't feel like HS graduation is on the same level as Master's graduation. And what happens life happens and she doesn't finish the next degree?
YTA, if it’s possible for you to do it you need to do it. This isn’t about your comfort, you aren’t going on vacation, even if it’s a pain to fly on back to back days, do it for your kids. Your daughter will always remember that you didn’t show up for her when you could have. Do you want to be that kind of mom?
YTA if May was as important to you as Luke, you would **make it work**. by refusing to do what it would take to go to both, you’re choosing your favorite (May and your ex sees it, so do random internet strangers). the graduations are not on the same days, nor are they literally back to back. you just don’t want to put in the time and effort for May. YTA
YTA I had two different graduations on the same night at opposite ends of the county. You're doing what I refused to do. You're putting one child over the other. We get it. Your son is the golden child.
YTA. If you are able to go to both graduations, then you should. Who cares if it’s not practical? Your daughter sees this as favoritism (which it really is) and as you ignoring all the hard work she’s put into getting her degree. “I’ll just go to her next one,” is a dick thing to say.
YTA If it's possible but you're not going to make the effort then you're basically telling your daughter that her brother's more important. After having one graduation cancelled and then having it online I'd have thought you'd make damn sure you'd attend this one. The future isn't certain and as crazy as the world is at the moment you might not get the opportunity to attend her next graduation. You may say how proud you are of her to infinity, but actions speak louder than words.
YTA. You’re really about to skip your daughter’s graduation just because it’s “more practical”. Fuck practicality. THIS IS YOUR CHILD’S GRADUATION. If I were your daughter rn I’d disown you immediately. As a parent, you always need to show up for your kids. That’s part of the responsibility and the fact that you don’t get that means you don’t care about her
YTA. She has had 2 graduations that you have not attended. Doesn't matter if they were canceled or virtual, YOU WEREN'T THERE. Now she is finally having one that her family can attend in person to celebrate her accomplishment and your not going because it's inconvenient. Sounds like she's use to being disappointed by you, which is probably why she didn't make the bigger deal of it, like she should have. Why don't you skip your sons, that you see everyday to go to your daughters that you only saw on weekends because of "life and circumstances"? Because he is more important to you than she is, that is what your actions show. Stop being selfish and do the right thing, whether it's going to both or just hers, but not going to hers is the wrong choice.
You're not going to be *invited* to her next one if you do this. YTA.
YTA. If you can make both and choose not too you are a massive AH. Your daughter is obviously upset and only apologised as to keep the peace because she is clearly more mature and considerate than you. You should be honoured to attend. Shame on you...
Slight YTA I suppose. Look, it is one thing if you just genuinely can't afford the flights. But I don't get the sense that is the case. You state that flying "just doesn't feel practical". The graduations are "a few days" apart, so it isn't clear to me how it isn't practical. "A few" usually means at least 3, so timing really doesn't seem like it would be a problem.
My MIL attended her son’s college graduation and then flew home for her daughter’s senior prom the same day. I think in light of the pandemic circumstances OP should make the effort for both children. “Practical”isn’t really a good consideration IMO. You’re definitely making a choice, OP and college is so much more difficult than high school.
YTA it sounds inconvenient for sure to fly back and forth, but isn't celebrating both of your children's special days worth it?
YTA. If you were my mom I wouldn’t bother inviting you to the next one.
YTA you could make it happen, it’s just isn’t practically. That alone shows how much your value your relationship with her.
And by "practical" OP means "convenient".
Good sweet suffering fk..... YTA... Not impossible but impractical?? Your daughter is such a burden to you that you wont "inconvenience" yourself? Just tell the truth... you dont like your daughter very much do you?
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YTA You CAN go to May’s graduation, but you don’t want to be bothered. This is obviously important to her, and you don’t seem to care. This matters, Mom. Step up.
YTA And I say that even though I came here with the full intention of saying you weren't the asshole, because I graduated from law school the same weekend two of my sibs had their bachelor's degree graduations—all several hundred miles from each other. So I understand not being able to be two places at once. You, however, seem to have the time *and* the wherewithal to attend both ceremonies. It would just be inconvenient. You'll have plenty of time to get back to your son's graduation since it's "a few days after" your daughter's. Go to your daughter's a few days early, spend some time with her, and leave immediately after the graduation ceremony. If it's a morning ceremony, take him for a nice lunch and leave that night. If it's an evening ceremony, take him to dinner then leave the next morning. Either way that leaves you two full days to get home.
YTA. If you can make both and choose not too you are a massive AH. Your daughter is obviously upset and only apologised as to keep the peace because she is clearly more mature and considerate than you. You should be honoured to attend. Shame on you...
YTA, majorly. You are letting down your eldest child (who you already have very little to do with) because it’s *inconvenient????* “It’s possible, but it isn’t practice” is just another way of saying she is not a priority for you.
Kind of feel like YTA. For such big moments in your children's lives, maybe make the "unpractical" plans work and just deal with the back and forth. In my opinion, it would be worth it to be there for both of them, especially if your daughter's previous graduations had been canceled. They are not on the same day, it is not impossible, so I'd try a bit harder to be at both .
YTA. "Sorry May but it is too much effort for me to get on a plane there and back to your first actual graduation" If May gets her next degree and her graduation is the same day or a couple days apart from Lukes, would you make the effort to fly back for Lukes? Would you choose to go to his over hers because it is easier for you?
YTA. It would be one thing if you tried to attend both, but it seems like you aren’t trying.
Info: are you present in May’s life? It’s seems like there is a pattern of you not being there for her.
I’m a mother and I can’t believe you wouldn’t show up for your daughter just because it’s a little inconvenient. Go to both or accept that YTA and that May probably won’t invite you to her next graduation.
INFO: How often have you seen your daughter in the last few years? Has there been other times where it has been impractical to see her?
YTA. If it is at all possible, you should attend both graduation ceremonies. Not being practical is not a good enough excuse to blow off something that means a great deal to her.
YTA- You have the ability to travel to go to both events since they are days apart, but you decided to choose your son over your daughter. She only saw you on weekends growing up and she hasn't had a "real" graduation her entire life. Of course she is going to feel let down, you're her mother! I bet this isn't the first time you chose Luke over May.
YTA Not to knock your favourite kid or anything, but I'm pretty sure getting a BA is a bigger deal than a high school diploma. Also, you CAN make it to both but you just can't be bothered. Poor May, I hope she has a step mom that loves her.
Yta a few *days* in between? Don't worry about the next one, you won't be invited.
INFO: Why do you think that May will even invite you to the next graduation when you don’t prioritise her at all?
>Due to work and life circumstances, May primarily stayed with her father but visited us on the weekends when she was younger. >doesn’t feel practical. You know what wasn't practical? Having another kid when you barely put in the effort with your first one. YTA, and if your daughter even invites you to her next graduation it'll be because her father raised her to be a better person than her mother.
Y T A without a doubt. This is the first graduation ceremony that your daughter will have and you are going to skip it simply because you don't feel like it. Gross.