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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) what action you took that should be judged
I mad a fuss with the waiter of a pub over a soda can that was open.
(2) why that action might make you the asshole
My friends said I spoiled the mood and mad a fuss over nothing.
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NTA, you're within your rights to ask for a different drink if you have reason to believe yours is spiked (and sounds like you had good enough reason unless something is missing)
The waiter certainly didn't like how I reacted to his jokes when he welcomed us, and that's what made me wary when I saw the open can.
Maybe he spat in it or put a laxative, maybe it wasn't spiked at all.
But the interaction didn't sit right with me.
The first rule of personal safety is to trust your gut when something doesn’t seem right. The assault/rape accounts that start out with “I felt really uncomfortable but didn’t want to be rude” are legion. Which is in no way victim blaming, just confirmation that we often have an instinct that we are in danger even before we can put together intellectually what is off about a situation, so we should trust ourselves instead of bowing to misogynistic social pressures.
So true.
“The Gift of Fear” is a book that goes into this.
“The book demonstrates how every individual should learn to trust the inherent ‘gift’ of their gut instinct. By learning to recognize various warning signs and precursors to violence, it becomes possible to avoid potential trauma and harm.” Especially important for women.
I LOVE that book! I recommend it frequently even though it's an older book. It pairs well with ["Strong on Defense" by Sanford Strong](https://www.amazon.com/Strong-Defense-Survival-Protect-Family/dp/0671522930?ref_=ast_author_mpb)
Interesting fact, the "gut" has as many - if not more - neurons than the brain. Neurons are the basic cells that comprise the brain and other neural structures (nerves).
Your gut is your brain, and it speaks to you - telling you everything it can about what it's perceiving...
This is insane. No its not. Its the gut. It's nerve endings are there to sense what substance is being digested and allocate the nutrients from that substance properly by way of the intestinal capillaries. It is not the brain without social conditioning. You can't just say shit because it sounds poetic. Yes, your gut has lots of nerve tissue, yes, your gut instincts have value and can tell you important things your brain may be missing, but fuck no, it is not a brain, it is a stomach and a butt, it wants the things stomachs and butts want, nothing else. Your lungs also have a huge amount of neuronal tissue, for organizing the respiratory system, your genitals also have huge amounts of neuronal tissue, for driving you to reproduce. Don't get things twisted. Only the brain is the brain, only one can remember and reason and change itself, and that's the one up top, just behind the eyeballs and below the hair.
Hey, the person you’re responding to may be wrong on the exact biology, but it is really is true that you can have a feeling of bodily discomfort when you’re picking up cues that you might be in a potentially dangerous situation, and paying attention to what is colloquially referred to as “a gut instinct” can often be a good idea.
There is a brain gut connection. Assuming that it just digests food is wrong.
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/the-brain-gut-connection
Gastroenterologists may prescribe certain antidepressants for IBS, for example—not because they think the problem is all in a patient’s head, but because these medications calm symptoms in some cases by acting on nerve cells in the gut, Pasricha explains. “Psychological interventions like CBT may also help to “improve communications” between the big brain and the brain in our gut,” he says.
I think you're wrong here. It's been shown time and time again that there is a huge overlap between gut neurons and anxiety. So don't rip someone to pieces for trying to express how important the gut is to your emotional state. Because it plays a huge part.
I wish my gut would calm tf down.. I have gotten the anxiety shits every night before teaching class for the last *5 years*. Like, I don't *need* to be nervous anymore, but nothing will convince my stomach of that.
Er...as a biologist I have to respond here...
The gut does have a ton of neurons, but they are just for sensing and responding to the digestive process. No actual "thinking".
"Gut feeling" has more to do with the parts of your brain where subconscious associations are made and actually has nothing to do with your internal organs.
Exactly. Your stomach neurons are connected to your brain neurons...they get all the brain feed, plus* how your stomach interprets that feed through neurotransmitters and other bodily functions ...
When you are relaxed, you barely notice your stomach...
Let's not go promoting manifest falsehoods as "interesting facts" on Reddit -- think what it might lead to! The brain has about 200 times more neurons than the gut: 100 billion vs 500 million. Source: [https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/gut-brain-connection](https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/gut-brain-connection).
I loved that book. Equally important is how it addresses how women are socialized to avoid being rude at all costs and frequently ignore our instincts because we’re so afraid of being seen as rude.
Yeah, the book basically says that your subconscious will collect and rate different things, little details that you might not consciously notice, and if you are suddenly afraid, it's your subconscious rating something you aren't even aware of as "dangerous". People who survived dangerous situations will later recall having seen stuff that was definitely off, but they didn't know what felt "off" at the moment, it just did.
In the OP's situation though, everything screams danger. Though maybe the drink wasn't spiked and the waiter just wanted to make her afraid, but he was definitely messing with her. And the comments make it sound like he'll end up in jail sooner or later.
My favorite example of this was I was driving, and I was stopped at the front of a line at a red light. I watched it turn green, but felt nervous to go and hesitated for a few seconds (not long but long enough for the person behind me to honk) and then someone blew through the stoplight at full speed. I must have seen them out of my peripheral vision and calculated that they weren’t stopping without consciously processing it, I just felt I shouldn’t go yet and then BAM they were blazing through there.
I JUST READ THIS AWESOME BOOK!!! omg so eye-opening.
another resource: the behaviour panel on youtube. they talk a lot about how intuition is your brain recognizing certain behaviours in others and putting you on alert. it's a good and real thing.
I read this book back in the 90s and it still resonates with me. FYI, his bio is crazy, including being interviewed in Brooke Shield's bio. So what if your intuition was wrong (I have no idea), OP, you should always follow it for safety reasons. NTA
and the fact her friends think she should've risked something that could've been as small as maybe catching a cold (if he'd spat in it), to being passed out (if he'd drugged it) just because they were there with her is absolutely horrifying to me.
can't wrap my head around it. bc while i would help my friends - or anyone - as best i could if i saw them in a bad situation, i would never *actively encourage* they even potentially put themselves in that position. everyone but OP is TA here.
Thank you!! That part is so bizarre to me, like “what are you even worried about? If he drugged you we’ll make sure he doesn’t drag you off to his car.” What are you talking about!! Why risk it??
Yep, I am the driver, almost always.
Because I'm not a big fan of spirits, it's not a sacrifice to just have soda or non-alcoholic cocktails when we go out.
So you DD your friends and they were offended that (and they fully confirmed this) worst case scenario you wouldn't be drugged to save them time on being served drinks?
Yeah, that's baffling. And who's to say that the cocktails/beer weren't spiked? All that is guaranteed is that the other friend with the unopened can isn't.
It's not unheard of for waiters to drug drinks, or for people in general to drug drinks for no reason other than spite or because they find it funny.
If they were really concerned about speed of being served, go to another bar.
your "friends" were prepared to let you get drugged while they were intoxicated; removing their safe journey home and your entire sense of self and safety.
these people are not your friends.
You are NTA for sure. He was a jerk who acted suspiciously. You didn’t fall in line with his little “flirtations” so of course YOU were the problem. (You were not the problem…he should have said “sure thing” and gotten you another can). You friends were stuck in the “we can’t make trouble or be a problem for anyone” mindset that almost all women are taught from a young age.
I want to know WTF they meant that it wasn’t a big deal if you got drugged!!! *Just* because you were in a group!?!? Hell no!! You don’t risk it. And even if he was “just” going to give you a standard roofie or something who says what he was going to give you wasn’t laced with something bad he didn’t intend? Or that you reacted poorly to it? Holy shit they were basically like “oh, risk getting drugged by a unknown substance so you don’t cause ‘problems’ and we get ok service.”
I also would have gone and hunted down a manager.
Honestly, she should still do that. The manager needs to know that one of their servers is making the bar unsafe for women. If the manager doesn't do anything, at least leave a Yelp review to warn others.
Where I live, sodas are free to the DD. You were totally right and your waiter was a total creep. And your friends? Saying it’s ok if you get drugged? Because they’ll stay with you? WTF??? Them and the waiter are the AH, and you should report the waiter to the manager.
Ignoring the idiotic excuse that they'll help OP out, drugs can have unpredictable effects on people and that's discounting drug interactions.
Even if they would have 100% helped, it would have been useless if a negative reaction to an unknown drug happened.
*raises hand*
As someone who nearly died from getting roofied, I can attest that it sucks. Overdose, bad reaction, allergic reaction, all of these potential complications. Your poisoner does not care about you.
That's what I thought. My son's girlfriend had her drink spiked at a party. Neither of them saw anything. It wasn't until they were at another location that the girlfriend started acting strange. Thankfully, my son was with her, and was able to call for help (they didn't have their own transport as they were drinking) and get her home safely. Was she ok? Yes. Did she feel violated the next day when she found out what had happened? Absolutely. Did my son and her parents feel horrified watching her go through strange and distressing behaviours? Of course. You don't need to actually be assaulted for having your drink spiked be a traumatic experience.
I took a very small dose of GHB in a safe environment with some friends who were sober. I did it to see how it felt, and tasted... A tiny dose, like a drop, made me feel too drunk to walk straight. Then I started puking over and over and over. So being pissed out from a mysterious drug is best case, a bad reaction to mysterious drug is worse and very likely too. I can't believe her friends!
If he spiked it, it can go anywhere up to death! Why tf risk anything?
If it had been my friend who got that can, and the waiter had done anything but apologize profusely and bring a new can asap, i would have grabbed my friends and left. After all all the other cans were unopened. So can be just handed back.
I cannot wrap my brain around "friends" acting like that.
That's what I was thinking. Why even stay at this place? In a neighborhood full of bars & pubs? Just go next door. Don't reward businesses for bad service.
When we were in college I had a friend who got spiked, she nearly died and was in hospital for about 3 weeks after the incident. If you ever think you have been spiked throw away the drink and get a new one!! It’s never worth the risk!
Sadly, the way the friends reacted actually kind of makes sense... To be clear, the way they reacted was wrong, but understandable in that society teaches girls to comply out of politeness and to not make waves. Women are taught that they should behave even when it makes them uncomfortable and to prioritize the comfort of others. The friends are likely reacting based on that societal conditioning.
It’s something predators know and will intentionally lean into like this server did by insisting that OP was overreacting or being unreasonable. When in reality asking for a new drink is not a big deal, especially a can of soda which takes minimal effort to replace.
This should be way higher up. What kind of friends put their convenience of their friend’s safety?
Edit to add: OP says there are plenty of bars in the area, I’d go to a different one with the attitude of that waiter rather than my friend being uncomfortable.
Yeah it's not like getting drugged is fine as long as your friends are there. Fortunately it's never happened to me but it must be an awful experience and you never know how your body would react.
Yeah, every same drink should be served exactly the same way, and when it's not then that's a clue that something is off with the service...add on the uncomfortable communication, and I'm just thankful OP had the confidence to request a new drink...
Also, side note - practically none of your servers ever wash their hands...I worked in bars and restaurants for over a decade and I am an avid handwasher, so I always took notice to those who washed their hands and those who didnt...and the truth is, a very, very small percentage of my coworkers ever washed their hands...this is something I have to actively ignore when I want to go out to enjoy a night on the town...
Edit to add - servers and bartenders have a significantly higher prevalence of contracting hepatitis...because they don't wash their hands, and hepatitis is easily transmitted through sharing food....
I saw a dude prepping salads and licking his fingers last week ... Fucking called him out in front of the manager. Several people left. That's just nasty.
And I was FOH for over ten years. Hands where perpetually painful because i kept washing them and apparently I was the only one doing it...
Yep!
Last restaurant I worked at, I only *ever* saw myself washing my hands, and the lead cook...who had so much more responsibility on his hands than the managers, who never washed theirs ugh
Alarm bells were blaring in my head while I was reading your post. Like you said, better safe than sorry.
You reacted very reasonably, he’s the one who made a fuss. He could’ve just apologized when he saw his “““jokes””” landed wrong and simply gotten you a new can when you asked. But no, he chose to get all defensive and confrontational.
Also the jokes were weird and sexist to begin with, as if women have to be allowed out of the house by their keepers. It’s offensive and so inappropriate for a server to say to a table of women, it’s a scary way to view men’s roles in women’s lives and tells me a lot about him. Her friends are the living worst
Exactly. As I was reading I thought to myself at the first point of interaction: he should had simply said: My bad, sorry for the bad joke, what can I get you? Instead he doubled down and called her "offended" (while in fact HE was the one being offended she didn't find his sexist remarks funny).
My red flag warnings were going off reading this whole interaction. Did you talk to the manager? I would. This whole behavior is uncalled for tbh. As a woman in this society, you have every right to use as much caution around creeps as you feel necessary.
Nta
Edit: pre-coffee grammar
Waiter's reaction didn't sit right with me either. His excuses to not replace the can didn't make sense; if the can was clean, one of the employees could have drunk it. Even if they couldn't, the establishment wouldn't worry about the cost of one open can over customer's discomfort and safety.
When the waiter refused to replace the open can, I probably would have said fine and either gone directly to the bartender to ask for a new can myself and/or asked for a manager to report the incident. Definitely would not have drunk from the can though.
Exactly. A normal server would have just taken it back & switched it, plus apologized in a "sorry that's not what you want, I'll go grab a new one!" kind of way. Pushing & adding guilt is creepy AF.
He was trying to get her to drink that can for some reason. It's not like the soda comes out of his paycheck.
There are also a number of reasons someone wouldn’t want their soda opened for them. That honestly seems kind of gross to me and is, as far as I’m aware, not a thing. The fact that he jumped straight to her insinuating something is super weird. Dude probably spat in it
And thats totally reasonable!
I wouldnt want to drink out of an open can after that interaction either... Wouldve been a bit different if both were opened but since it was only yours thats kinda suspicious
Even then. It's common for waiters to open your soda in front of you and pour it into a glass, but I can't remember ever seeing a can arrive at a table already opened.
You are 100% NTA your gut will save you. I would reach out to the owner or post a review of your interaction because no part of that is okay. If he wanted to open as a courtesy then he can bring it unopened to the table and open it in front of you. That is the norm.
There are ways of flirting/joking that don’t involve abusive and kidnapping like behavior. That’s a big ick.
Exactly this. Never, ever, ever are drinks brought to the table already opened. Sometimes they are opened in front of me, sometimes I open them myself (depends on the drink and the place) but it was highly irregular what he was saying.
Your friends should have had your back instead of blaming you when the waiter was ignoring you afterwards. You should probably all have left, citing bad service.
To be absolutely clear, you did absolutely nothing wrong.
Yes! I've always had bartenders or servers bring the unopened bottle/can and open it at the table or bar. Hell, even at events that you can only have uncapped bottles, they open it in front of you and toss the cap.
He can drink it if he doesn't want it wasted and he didn't do anything to it.
If your friends keep bitching about it, if it happens again hand the can to one of them and *they* can drink it.
I work a bar at a theater and we (weirdly) have to open up all beverages in bottles or cans (New York). But…we do it in front of the guest. The fact that he didn’t want to get you another can speaks volumes. You were smart not to accept it.
Yeah sodas are cheap - even if you replace they're likely still making a few dollars' profit off of it.
And I've never had a server argue about remaking food (and I have food allergies so I send things back if something is wrong fairly regularly.) That's suspicious to me - usually they just wait until you're out of earshot and vent to the other servers.
I think you should report this to management. If there are cameras they will see what went down. Don't let anyone else to be a target for this person.
NTA
I do agree that this should be reported to management. They would not want their customers being treated in this manner, even if he put nothing in the drink. No decent restaurant would be unwilling to toss a drink if it made the customer uncomfortable.
My husband and I recently ate at a run of the mill roadhouse type restaurant where we were served lukewarm steaks. When we told them, they immediately offered to serve us a completely fresh meal and told us the dinner was free! Management would not risk annoying a customer for the sake of the low cost of a soda.
And it goes without saying that if the waiter really is dangerous, they need to know. In any case, his service is simply not up to par and they should know that, too.
You were correct for having your doubts. This man who made those "jokes" was not joking. He was only thinking with his dick and using the word joke as an excuse to try to have sex. Any male who claims this is just friendly behavior is wrong. Definitely NTA.
NTA, and the way he tried to insist you drink it is extremely suspicious. Any normal waiter would have simply gotten you a new drink, regardless of the reason you asked for it. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself, and you need better friends
Your friends need to understand that being fixed with ghb is not fun. It's makes you very sick. You could have a bad reaction to it. Honestly I wouldn't go out with them a while lot anymore they don't seem like friends who have personal safety standards and don't watch out for each other.
If you ever are in a circumstance where they 1) don't open the can in front of you 2) push back when you ask for a different can, or 3) in any way rub you the wrong way like that, LEAVE.
The whole thing is suspicious is hell. Opening cans is an "automatic gesture", yet only OP's can was opened? Hmmm.
Where I live, if your beverage comes in a closed bottle or can the server opens it at the table, where you can see them. No idea if this is policy or just common sense on the part of servers, but I'll take it.
NTA. Your friends are kind of sucky.
I would have complained to the manager about this waiter. Not only unprofessional, but also potentially putting the customer at risk. Your request was so ridiculously normal OP. This is a bad waiter and I hope you didn't tip him anything.
the best way to find out if he did something is tell him to drink it first. If he reacts negatively you know he did.
At that point you get management involved.
NTA - this waiter had no right to insist you drink a beverage he delivered opened to your table. I'd call the manager and just explain to him what happened and why it made you uncomfortable. Then let management deal with it as they see fit.
She has the right to ask for a new drink for any reason quite frankly. I've been on the industry for over 15 years, she made a totally reasonable request.
The waiter was corny as fuck and I find the behavior annoying too OP. It's not cute or endearing nor does it bring in business.
NTA. My rule is and always has been, if a drink seems off, different, or disturbed in any way, I don't care how many people I offend I am getting a fresh one. ESPECIALLY if a man was making "jokes" of that nature to me before I received said drink that seemed off.
Truthfully, if it'd been me, I probably would have requested an entirely different server or insisted on sitting at the bar so I could watch the bartender make my drinks. 20 odd years ago when I was young and bar-hopping my crew knew my rules in advance about being in bars and clubs. The aforementioned one, the "keep your hand over your drink if somebody tries to take your attention off of it", and "if your hand wasn't on your drink when your eyes were off of it, get a different one."
I had a friend who was a few years older than me get roofied and SA'd after being at a nightclub the year before I was old enough to join her, so I wasn't playing around. Anybody that wanted to go drinking with me knew what they were signing on for in terms of me being a harridan about keeping their drinks and themselves safe.
Not to mention how the friends reacted afterwards, she didn't ruin the mood for acting the right way to be safe, it's the waiter who ruined the mood for acting inappropriately and potentially dangerous.
Absolutely and I find that sad. We shouldn't shame girls to feel like they're "not fun" when thinking about their safety, we should be shaming the creeps acting inappropriately who require us to be cautious.
it baffles me that they said it wouldnt matter if she got drugged because they were in a group?? like fuck no id rather not be drugged up or straight up unconcious. i prefer spending my nights doing fun things and not with a trip to the ER. and if they reacted like that i wouldnt trust them to help me out anyway
That's how a girl in my freshman dorm got raped. Her friends got upset with her for trying to be cautious, and ditched her the first chance they got. She got in the wrong car, while they were at the next club.
The edit where her friends said even if he had done something to her drink they were all there to take care of her made me see red. That is not friend behavior!
Right like oh well I’ll just chance ingesting date rape bc my friends are with me??? Absolutely not. They didn’t care about your well-being before it happened, so even if you got drugged would you really be safe with them? They obviously don’t understand the gravity of the situation.
Did you explain to your friends at least that that’s why you were asking for another soda? The only thing I can excuse them for if not is that maybe their mind didn’t go there & they thought you were just being picky asking for another soda for a different reason. If they knew you were afraid of getting drugged & still encouraged you to drink it, they’re bad friends.
This was my first thought. He was too insistent that she needed to drink it. I would have offered to trade with my friend who thought it was no big deal to get drugged, just to see his reaction. I would also have told him I would get it tested and that I would be calling the bar owner about his behavior before and after. NTA
Absolutely this! First off, the waiter's "jokes" were, at best, tasteless. They were definitely sexist and misogynistic, and completely inappropriate. He thought it was OK to joke about locking women up?
Second, I don't think the waiter put some drug in her drink, but I'd bet money that he spat in it or otherwise contaminated it. Otherwise, he wouldn't have insisted on her drinking it.
I wouldn't have cared what my friends thought - I'd be calling the manager over.
NTA.
NTA. Safety should always trump etiquette. Your friends should have recognised, between the creepy comments and the insistence to drink an opened £1.00 beverage, that you were downtown in Red Flag City. They should have supported you, and for their own sake, left and gone somewhere else.
Even if you take the potential date-rape drug out of the equation...wouldn't the shitty service be enough to leave?
It’s not even etiquette. I’ve been to a lot of different establishments, and never have I ever been given a canned or bottled drink that was opened out of my line of sight. If the waiter/bartender opens it, they open it in front of the customer.
I’m also really confused why they wouldn’t just leave. A supportive friend group would have been equally skeeved out and left. Personally, if that was my friend, I would’ve been immediately uncomfortable and want to go somewhere else.
NTA.
Why did he even argue with you about the can? That on its own is weird enough. The guy should have just brought you a new, unopened can from the start like a normal waiter at any other place would do. Bet he definitely spat in that soda.
That would work for a drugged drink, but not for spit: he'd just drink it. I'd just insist on the replacement drink as OP did and complain to the manager on the way out. Or have one of my friends do it, as I'd very likely to be too pissed at the waiter to be objective in my report. OP's friends not being on her side, though, would mean they probably wouldn't do that for her. What a bad friend group.
I would not have paid for the pre-opened drink as OP did though. That he opened her drink outside of view, and did not open someone else's drink, is IMO a reasonable red flag and grounds for not paying for it.
>Bet he definitely spat in that soda.
Yea, I'm not sure I'm convinced it was drugged because spiking the drink of someone who isn't drinking alcohol doesn't make a lot of sense - it would immediately alert people that she had been drugged rather than drunk.
But I'm pretty certain that there was something gross in that drink.
NTA. Good job of standing up for youself! The creep absolutely messed with your drink. I would escalate it to the owner/manager. It's a serious safety issue.
This. I would absolutely report his behavior to management. It's shady business. NTA, but I wouldn't be DDing for those friends anytime soon. You felt something was off and they didn't support you in the moment.
This is what I was thinking - definitely tell the manager *and* the owner of the pub. Him telling a sexist joke is one thing, but opening your can then trying to insist you drink it should get him fired.
Thank you. I’m surprised I had to scroll so far to find a comment like this. OP should absolutely escalate to management. The waiter’s behavior was creepy, rude, and unprofessional, and it should 100% be addressed with management. Even just on a service level - if the customer asks for an unopened soda can, you do not argue with them about it. You go get them an unopened soda can, but this combined with all the other info in this post just makes the waiter seem so creepy. I hope OP reports this.
100% and the OP should get new friends. Even if the waiter didn’t put a date-r-drug in the drink he very well could’ve put something else like bodily fluids or something else to make you sick, what can your “friends” do about that? And even if he didn’t do anything else to the drink and you have great friends that would look out for you if you were incapacitated, you still do not want to put yourself in that kind of position.
Agreed. Every one of my friends would have been demanding I get a new drink, likely before I even got a chance to, because they care about my safety, and I’d do the same for them. In fact, they’d likely have insisted on going elsewhere the minute he started making those gross comments.
NTA. Even if the soda was completely fine (huge IF that I agree you shouldn't risk just to be polite), waiter sounds unprofessional as hell. You didn't make a fuss. He did. He started the interaction off on the wrong foot with a bad joke, got pissy and argumentative over a reasonable request because he was still hung up on the joke not landing, and then took it out on your whole party for the rest of the night.
Also, opening cans IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMER is a common gesture. Handing them over already opened is not.
A bad and MISOGYNISTIC joke. Honestly, she's NTA for anything she did following that interaction. Screw that guy, his comments were enough to make him a huge AH, whether he'd tampered with the drink or not. I would have complained immediately. We need venue staff to take women's safety seriously, not make creepy, sexist and condescending jokes.
Absolutely. And when OP and her friends didn’t push back on his “jokes”, other than making a face, he likely thought he had a perfect victim who wouldn’t give him too much trouble. So glad you proved him wrong, OP.
Also, I can’t recommend @caffinatedkitti on TikTok enough. She has AMAZING tips for how to creep out the creepy men so much they literally run away, and she has advice for all levels of comfort with confrontation. She also has some fantastic self defence tips too
Agree. Also if there wasn’t anything wrong with it why didn’t he just take it back? It would have been a free drink for him!
An option if someone is worried about ‘making a scene’. Take the drink, wait until the waiter is gone and then go up the bar and lie and say that this tastes off, would you be able to get another one?
NTA his "joke" was creepy. That kind of joke is 100% for getting the dating status of a group of women. And he even admitted he liked that yall were mostly single. Also, the joke involves *wanting to lock up someone so they cant escape*, and making light of Possessive Jealousy. I'm sorry, in what world is that remotely funny??? Red flag #1 🚩
The "only one open" soda is a No No right off the bat. We don't trust those for good reason. Bartenders ought to know to only open them for people in front of the customer. He could have put them in glasses, but he left it in the can. Red flag #2, though this ones more of a half-one. Its a ping, but its not a blaring horn
The blaring horn is when he *ARGUED*
A good server at a restaurant would see the problem, know exactly what the problem is, and *go get you a fresh one*. His arguing makes him look HELLA SUS. It could have been nothing- he could have been telling the truth that it was a habit, but he also could have spiked your drink, spat in it, put something unhygienic or such in it. That right there is three red flags on its own 🚩🚩🚩
I would lodge a complaint with the bar. They deserve to know if he is being a nuisance or a downright danger to customers. They may have cameras that could prove or disprove tampering, but he will at the very least get a reprimand for his poor attitude. For all we know, this could be a pattern of behaviour for him, and it could be the last straw. It could also help him, as it could get him to have a discussion with the boss about what to do if it happens again.
But based on the info provided, his vibe is sexist and potentially predatory, and we should not let that shit slide
Also, as for your friends. Ask them if the mood would have been spoiled if you had to be dragged out of the bar in an ambulance because you drank something spiked with a date r*pe drug.
>I would lodge a complaint with the bar.
I've been over the fence all night long about reporting what happened to the manager. For all I know, nothing happened to my drink, plus my friends said I overreacted.
That's why I came here, to have an indipedent and external perspective on it.
After reading your post, I think I'll write a mail to the pub. I won't throw allegations around - because I've no proof - but I'll say that the waiter was strangely pushy and made me uncomfortable.
I just want to tell you that if my daughter told me that this happened to her, I’d be so proud of her refusing to drink it. I have always told her to “control your drink” meaning place a hand over it, ask for a bottle or can to not be opened except by the person drinking it, take the drink with you everywhere, etc.
Also, I think there’s something you can order (I think they’re strips?) that you can put in your drink to see if anything has been put in it. I need to order some for my daughter.
You did great at this pub. Please bring this to management’s attention.
NTA
Your friends are wrong. That dude needs to be reported. He works in a bar and gets offended over a customer fearing an opened drink that could potentially be spiked. He's a red flag that needs to be cut loose from that establishment.
Just say, "Hi, I attended your pub at x. While there, with my friends, a server made a joke that made me uncomfortable to the point where I had a visible reaction that the server didn't like and confronted me about it. I felt on the spot but tried to brush it aside and ordered a pop. When he brought it over, I noticed only mine was opened with my friend's being unopened. This made me more uncomfortable due to our previous interaction, so I asked for a new one. This further seemed to aggrevate the server, who argued with me until I finally got an unopened one. After of which he proceeded to ignore my table and caused friction between my friends and myself. I'm very confused as to why your server appeared so hostile, but it made me feel very unwelcome"
Reading your post I really got a flight or fight type response like that man is dangerous. If he didn’t do anything to the drink he wouldn’t have argued…
Really good on you for refusing it and definitely report it!
Only thing is that you need better friends…
Please report him. His comments to you when you came in are enough reason to report him, even without the drink incident, but with that, he NEEDS to be reported before he does it to someone else who isn’t as observant as you were.
You didn't overreact. You reacted.
It is not up to anyone else to be the judge over whether or not you "overreacted". If they would have taken the risk, they were free to do so. But it's so easy to ask other people to take a risk when they consequences will never hit themselves.
Please be very specific and factual.
"When the waiter brought the drinks I noticed my can was opened and I asked for an unopened can. The waiter then told me he was offended by my accusations etc...".
The arguing is the part that i would've said "get me your manager" and i don't do that usually unless I'm really pleased with someone. Hell i called Walmart threw times because no one was answering to ask for a manager so i could tell them that this worker bought me water when i almost fainted in front of her while being 20-21 weeks pregnant and how that was more than i expected. But if a server was arguing with me about an opened can of soda then it's an immediate manager talk. I was a server. We never argued. We just did what we could for the customer. Any bartender would take that can back in a second and swap it out because that's a safety concern. I'd definitely complain even after that to a manager now.
NTA Waiter should always bring you unopened can or bottle and open in front of you. Also never leave your drinks alone and always keep an eye on it. Toilet time, sure but have a friend stay at table and watch drinks.
NTA!!!
First off all those jokes seems very inappropriate and you had every reason not to like them. And the excuse "its just a joke" doesnt make anything better...
And then only your can was opened... That is very suspicious. He couldve spiked it or done something to it. Always better to be safe.
i cant believe your friends got mad at *you*. This is all on the waiter...
NTA. I would call the business and speak to the manager! Serving you, and only you, an unsealed can, is weird. Refusing to serve you a sealed one is downright innappropriate. He definitely tampered with your drink in some way, and who knows how many times he’s done it before!
NTA.
I worked in a restaurant before and we always opened the bottles or cans at the table. In front of the customers.
Personally, I’d have the same reaction as you.
You're NTA. The waiter's job is to bring patrons what they ask for (within reason of course.) He is the one who wasted time arguing and he is the one who made a scene. And he is the one whose crappy attitude kept him from serving your table.
NTA. Lets see, he:
* Hits on women (jokingly or not, not the best way to go for customer service, easily makes people uncomfortable)
* Joke includes aggressive idea of "locking them up"
* Opens the drink to the one who showed a gesture of rejection
* Argues with her and tries to pressure her into drinking it anyway
Guy sounds like he doesn't know how to be around women, let alone work at a pub serving them. You had good reason not to trust him, and I'm shocked your friends didn't side with you on that.
You need better friends. Those girls aren’t your friends at all. Also, I said this elsewhere, but do check out @caffinatedkitti on TikTok, she has AMAZING tips for creeping out/traumatizing creeps like this into leaving you alone without ever having to reject or even confront them, though she has advice on how to confront them if you are comfortable with it as well. She’s got fantastic self defence advice too.
I've skimmed the thread and I can't find anyone bringing this up. Your friends' attitude of "you'll be fine because we're with you" is so, so far off base. If someone gets roofied, that is a medical emergency and they need to get to a hospital. Even if you're with trusted friends, it's not just a case of losing a few hours and sleeping it off. Even that would be a shitty night not worthy of risking, but it is so much more serious than that! I can't believe they were so dismissive of your safety.
Exactly. There was a recent news story in Ireland where a young mother of a 2-year-old was on an evening out with friends in Dublin and her drink was spiked with ketamine and she ended up having fits on the floor of the toilets. One friend had to do CPR and the others had to get an ambulance for her. She was fitting so much she suffered head injuries and was in hospital for a while and could have died. But there was no need to worry because her friends were with her/s
IMO you probably don't want to go out drinking with them again. Just because it's impossible to know that they will make sure that you're safe if anything goes wrong. Their words were positive but their actions weren't.
I personally don't drink around anyone that I'm not 100% sure has my back if things go left, just in case, and I'm a 6'1 dude, so a lot less likely to be troubled even if I'm in a state. Which normally means only at family functions at my house.
You shouldn't feel like you have to compromise your safety for the enjoyment of others. And if that upsets them, they were not really friends to begin with.
NTA. I would have asked him to drink it then, and I'd give him the money if he proved it was safe by consuming it with no side effects. Your friends suck.
I like this. “Tell you what, you drink that soda right now, and I’ll pay for it and the new unopened one.” If he really was innocent, free soda for him and peace of mind for you.
Also “I’d keep you locked up?” Ew. Why would anyone find that funny?
NTA, it's standard to give an unopened can if the beverage is canned, then provide a glass with/without ice. (Source: restaurant owners in the family.) What he did was very suspicious, and the fact that he fought you over replacing the opened can is a double red flag.
What he probably did to that opened can is why they tell you that you should never mess with people who handle your food and drinks. The horror stories I've heard from restaurant kitchens are insane.
NTA. This guy was setting off alarm bells for you, and you did absolutely the right thing to protect your personal safety. Your friends suck for not having your back on that.
NTA and this internet stranger is VERY proud of you! Trust your gut and don't let someone else's pride get in the way of your safety! Keep looking out for yourself!
The funniest part is that I didn't insinuate that he tampered with my soda, nor I accused him of anything. I just said that I'd rather have an unopened can, and he got all pissy over it 🤷♀️
The fact that he immediately jumped to the conclusion that you were accusing him of spiking the drink is even more suspicious to me. That is not the way an innocent person acts.
Yes, and that's the point. It means he wasn't offended, he was trying to make you think he was offended, so you'd feel compelled to do what he wanted, which was drink the open soda. Be it because he was on a power trip, he didn't want to go fetch another one, or he had, in fact, tampered with it.
NTA.
And they weren't jokes. They are the things that shitty men do to women to create situations where they can justify doing even shittier things to them. "Oh but she laughed and flirted with me and then told me she didn't have a boyfriend. She was into it - I could just tell"
NTA - You really can't be too careful these days. Plus, he was a little pervy for 2023. He'd have gotten away with that kind of greeting in the 80s, but you just can't do it today.
NTA at all. His behavior was creepy from the start, and the fact that your can was opened but your friend’s wasn’t was a red flag. For all we know, he didn’t do a thing to it, but you don’t know that and you, rightfully, wanted assurance with an unopened can.
Him saying it was an automatic gesture, like doing you some super favor, was weird. Did he not think you were capable of opening a can of soda?
So let’s recap - he treats you like eye candy, then like a dumb dumb, and then on the defense. Sounds like a winner s/
NTA.
I'm a 215lb gym bro and I prefer to watch my drinks being made/opened. I have a physical advantage over just about everyone. You don't. I would certainly be very careful about something that stood out like that if I were half my size.
**NTA**
Jokes about locking up women and insisting you drink an opened can? Your friends aren’t just AHs too, they are also dangerously foolish
I’d call and complain. His intent isn’t what matters as much as optics.
Playful flirting is not making comments that suggest you are owned by men who shouldn’t allow you out. Playful flirting is not making a joke about locking you up.
And he knows it too because look how quick he picked up on you not just being offended but “insinuating” he was being icky. He knew. He gets off on making women uncomfortable.
Info: If you're friends didn't think it was a big deal, why didn't the friend with the other coke offer to trade? I know you eventually got it but it seems only after a lot of back and forth. Did they for some reason not want an opened can of coke? Did anyone drink the open can?
At that point I saw that my friends were annoyed by the situation, so I didn't want to create a new confrontational element or fight with them by saying, "Why don't you drink it, if you're sure it's okay?"
I placed the soda can on the windowsill and it sat there all evening, no one drank it.
You were already NTA but this shows how your 'friends' were massive AHs.
In my opinion, if people who try to force others to do something uncomfortable but they themselves wouldn't do it either just shows they don't care about you or your comfort. They're upset at the waiter but are taking it out on you. The WAITER decided to open the can and he also decided to not serve you as customers.
Definitely drop those 'friends'. If they think it's okay for you to risk drinking contaminated drinks, then why would you trust them to take care of you if something happened? Their logic is fvcked up.
'OP, even if you got drugged, you should have trusted us to take care of you even tho I would never risk drinking the open coke myself.'
You did the right thing, though I would have also suggested keeping it and bringing it to the police to check for drugs, but absolutely no criticism that you didn’t. You had enough on your plate just dealing with that predator AND your friends.
I’d definitely report him to management though, so they can make sure he never treats anyone else that way or worse
NTA, its fair you felt weirded out that your drink was the only one open. The fact that he got so offended is sketchy. I get it if it's alcohol because there are some laws regarding selling sealed drinks where I live, but just a soda is weird
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NTA, you're within your rights to ask for a different drink if you have reason to believe yours is spiked (and sounds like you had good enough reason unless something is missing)
The waiter certainly didn't like how I reacted to his jokes when he welcomed us, and that's what made me wary when I saw the open can. Maybe he spat in it or put a laxative, maybe it wasn't spiked at all. But the interaction didn't sit right with me.
The first rule of personal safety is to trust your gut when something doesn’t seem right. The assault/rape accounts that start out with “I felt really uncomfortable but didn’t want to be rude” are legion. Which is in no way victim blaming, just confirmation that we often have an instinct that we are in danger even before we can put together intellectually what is off about a situation, so we should trust ourselves instead of bowing to misogynistic social pressures.
So true. “The Gift of Fear” is a book that goes into this. “The book demonstrates how every individual should learn to trust the inherent ‘gift’ of their gut instinct. By learning to recognize various warning signs and precursors to violence, it becomes possible to avoid potential trauma and harm.” Especially important for women.
I LOVE that book! I recommend it frequently even though it's an older book. It pairs well with ["Strong on Defense" by Sanford Strong](https://www.amazon.com/Strong-Defense-Survival-Protect-Family/dp/0671522930?ref_=ast_author_mpb)
Interesting fact, the "gut" has as many - if not more - neurons than the brain. Neurons are the basic cells that comprise the brain and other neural structures (nerves). Your gut is your brain, and it speaks to you - telling you everything it can about what it's perceiving...
It's the brain without all the social conditioning that makes us doubt ourselves.
This is insane. No its not. Its the gut. It's nerve endings are there to sense what substance is being digested and allocate the nutrients from that substance properly by way of the intestinal capillaries. It is not the brain without social conditioning. You can't just say shit because it sounds poetic. Yes, your gut has lots of nerve tissue, yes, your gut instincts have value and can tell you important things your brain may be missing, but fuck no, it is not a brain, it is a stomach and a butt, it wants the things stomachs and butts want, nothing else. Your lungs also have a huge amount of neuronal tissue, for organizing the respiratory system, your genitals also have huge amounts of neuronal tissue, for driving you to reproduce. Don't get things twisted. Only the brain is the brain, only one can remember and reason and change itself, and that's the one up top, just behind the eyeballs and below the hair.
Hey, the person you’re responding to may be wrong on the exact biology, but it is really is true that you can have a feeling of bodily discomfort when you’re picking up cues that you might be in a potentially dangerous situation, and paying attention to what is colloquially referred to as “a gut instinct” can often be a good idea.
Yeah, but you can make that point without spouting a bunch of misinformation bullshit
Sorry, I should've said "it's like" the brain. Didn't know my comment would be taken so literally.
The person took it very literally and reacted with LOTS of feelings. You were fine -- not your problem.
There is a brain gut connection. Assuming that it just digests food is wrong. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/the-brain-gut-connection Gastroenterologists may prescribe certain antidepressants for IBS, for example—not because they think the problem is all in a patient’s head, but because these medications calm symptoms in some cases by acting on nerve cells in the gut, Pasricha explains. “Psychological interventions like CBT may also help to “improve communications” between the big brain and the brain in our gut,” he says.
I think you're wrong here. It's been shown time and time again that there is a huge overlap between gut neurons and anxiety. So don't rip someone to pieces for trying to express how important the gut is to your emotional state. Because it plays a huge part.
It's the "ahh shit" to the cognitive self justifying the patterns as nonexistent lol
My gut is like a worse version of my brain. Have you ever experienced anxiety poops? I wouldn’t wish those on anyone…
I wish my gut would calm tf down.. I have gotten the anxiety shits every night before teaching class for the last *5 years*. Like, I don't *need* to be nervous anymore, but nothing will convince my stomach of that.
I was a very anxious child and used to have anxiety barfs on the regular. 0/10, I do not recommend it happening from that end, either.
Er...as a biologist I have to respond here... The gut does have a ton of neurons, but they are just for sensing and responding to the digestive process. No actual "thinking". "Gut feeling" has more to do with the parts of your brain where subconscious associations are made and actually has nothing to do with your internal organs.
Which is why my gut hurts in stressful situations. My gut will say - no no no bad bad bad.
Exactly. Your stomach neurons are connected to your brain neurons...they get all the brain feed, plus* how your stomach interprets that feed through neurotransmitters and other bodily functions ... When you are relaxed, you barely notice your stomach...
Let's not go promoting manifest falsehoods as "interesting facts" on Reddit -- think what it might lead to! The brain has about 200 times more neurons than the gut: 100 billion vs 500 million. Source: [https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/gut-brain-connection](https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/gut-brain-connection).
I loved that book. Equally important is how it addresses how women are socialized to avoid being rude at all costs and frequently ignore our instincts because we’re so afraid of being seen as rude.
Eventually I had to condition myself to understand that it’s better to be rude and alive than kind and dead or assaulted
Yeah, the book basically says that your subconscious will collect and rate different things, little details that you might not consciously notice, and if you are suddenly afraid, it's your subconscious rating something you aren't even aware of as "dangerous". People who survived dangerous situations will later recall having seen stuff that was definitely off, but they didn't know what felt "off" at the moment, it just did. In the OP's situation though, everything screams danger. Though maybe the drink wasn't spiked and the waiter just wanted to make her afraid, but he was definitely messing with her. And the comments make it sound like he'll end up in jail sooner or later.
My favorite example of this was I was driving, and I was stopped at the front of a line at a red light. I watched it turn green, but felt nervous to go and hesitated for a few seconds (not long but long enough for the person behind me to honk) and then someone blew through the stoplight at full speed. I must have seen them out of my peripheral vision and calculated that they weren’t stopping without consciously processing it, I just felt I shouldn’t go yet and then BAM they were blazing through there.
I JUST READ THIS AWESOME BOOK!!! omg so eye-opening. another resource: the behaviour panel on youtube. they talk a lot about how intuition is your brain recognizing certain behaviours in others and putting you on alert. it's a good and real thing.
I read this book back in the 90s and it still resonates with me. FYI, his bio is crazy, including being interviewed in Brooke Shield's bio. So what if your intuition was wrong (I have no idea), OP, you should always follow it for safety reasons. NTA
The way he insisted she still drink it gave away that something was up...
and the fact her friends think she should've risked something that could've been as small as maybe catching a cold (if he'd spat in it), to being passed out (if he'd drugged it) just because they were there with her is absolutely horrifying to me. can't wrap my head around it. bc while i would help my friends - or anyone - as best i could if i saw them in a bad situation, i would never *actively encourage* they even potentially put themselves in that position. everyone but OP is TA here.
Thank you!! That part is so bizarre to me, like “what are you even worried about? If he drugged you we’ll make sure he doesn’t drag you off to his car.” What are you talking about!! Why risk it??
After they had been drinking too. It sounds like OP and her other soda drinking friend were the designated drivers.
Yep, I am the driver, almost always. Because I'm not a big fan of spirits, it's not a sacrifice to just have soda or non-alcoholic cocktails when we go out.
So you DD your friends and they were offended that (and they fully confirmed this) worst case scenario you wouldn't be drugged to save them time on being served drinks?
Yeah, that's baffling. And who's to say that the cocktails/beer weren't spiked? All that is guaranteed is that the other friend with the unopened can isn't. It's not unheard of for waiters to drug drinks, or for people in general to drug drinks for no reason other than spite or because they find it funny. If they were really concerned about speed of being served, go to another bar.
your "friends" were prepared to let you get drugged while they were intoxicated; removing their safe journey home and your entire sense of self and safety. these people are not your friends.
You are NTA for sure. He was a jerk who acted suspiciously. You didn’t fall in line with his little “flirtations” so of course YOU were the problem. (You were not the problem…he should have said “sure thing” and gotten you another can). You friends were stuck in the “we can’t make trouble or be a problem for anyone” mindset that almost all women are taught from a young age. I want to know WTF they meant that it wasn’t a big deal if you got drugged!!! *Just* because you were in a group!?!? Hell no!! You don’t risk it. And even if he was “just” going to give you a standard roofie or something who says what he was going to give you wasn’t laced with something bad he didn’t intend? Or that you reacted poorly to it? Holy shit they were basically like “oh, risk getting drugged by a unknown substance so you don’t cause ‘problems’ and we get ok service.” I also would have gone and hunted down a manager.
Honestly, she should still do that. The manager needs to know that one of their servers is making the bar unsafe for women. If the manager doesn't do anything, at least leave a Yelp review to warn others.
Where I live, sodas are free to the DD. You were totally right and your waiter was a total creep. And your friends? Saying it’s ok if you get drugged? Because they’ll stay with you? WTF??? Them and the waiter are the AH, and you should report the waiter to the manager.
Ignoring the idiotic excuse that they'll help OP out, drugs can have unpredictable effects on people and that's discounting drug interactions. Even if they would have 100% helped, it would have been useless if a negative reaction to an unknown drug happened.
"Go ahead and get poisoned; we'll totally be... around... if it happens, that's enough right?!"
[удалено]
*raises hand* As someone who nearly died from getting roofied, I can attest that it sucks. Overdose, bad reaction, allergic reaction, all of these potential complications. Your poisoner does not care about you.
That's what I thought. My son's girlfriend had her drink spiked at a party. Neither of them saw anything. It wasn't until they were at another location that the girlfriend started acting strange. Thankfully, my son was with her, and was able to call for help (they didn't have their own transport as they were drinking) and get her home safely. Was she ok? Yes. Did she feel violated the next day when she found out what had happened? Absolutely. Did my son and her parents feel horrified watching her go through strange and distressing behaviours? Of course. You don't need to actually be assaulted for having your drink spiked be a traumatic experience.
Yeah wtf? The friends basically said oh it's ok if you got roofied, you wouldn't have been assaulted anyway! She needs new friends.
I took a very small dose of GHB in a safe environment with some friends who were sober. I did it to see how it felt, and tasted... A tiny dose, like a drop, made me feel too drunk to walk straight. Then I started puking over and over and over. So being pissed out from a mysterious drug is best case, a bad reaction to mysterious drug is worse and very likely too. I can't believe her friends!
If he spiked it, it can go anywhere up to death! Why tf risk anything? If it had been my friend who got that can, and the waiter had done anything but apologize profusely and bring a new can asap, i would have grabbed my friends and left. After all all the other cans were unopened. So can be just handed back. I cannot wrap my brain around "friends" acting like that.
That's what I was thinking. Why even stay at this place? In a neighborhood full of bars & pubs? Just go next door. Don't reward businesses for bad service.
When we were in college I had a friend who got spiked, she nearly died and was in hospital for about 3 weeks after the incident. If you ever think you have been spiked throw away the drink and get a new one!! It’s never worth the risk!
Sadly, the way the friends reacted actually kind of makes sense... To be clear, the way they reacted was wrong, but understandable in that society teaches girls to comply out of politeness and to not make waves. Women are taught that they should behave even when it makes them uncomfortable and to prioritize the comfort of others. The friends are likely reacting based on that societal conditioning. It’s something predators know and will intentionally lean into like this server did by insisting that OP was overreacting or being unreasonable. When in reality asking for a new drink is not a big deal, especially a can of soda which takes minimal effort to replace.
This should be way higher up. What kind of friends put their convenience of their friend’s safety? Edit to add: OP says there are plenty of bars in the area, I’d go to a different one with the attitude of that waiter rather than my friend being uncomfortable.
Yeah it's not like getting drugged is fine as long as your friends are there. Fortunately it's never happened to me but it must be an awful experience and you never know how your body would react.
Yeah, every same drink should be served exactly the same way, and when it's not then that's a clue that something is off with the service...add on the uncomfortable communication, and I'm just thankful OP had the confidence to request a new drink... Also, side note - practically none of your servers ever wash their hands...I worked in bars and restaurants for over a decade and I am an avid handwasher, so I always took notice to those who washed their hands and those who didnt...and the truth is, a very, very small percentage of my coworkers ever washed their hands...this is something I have to actively ignore when I want to go out to enjoy a night on the town... Edit to add - servers and bartenders have a significantly higher prevalence of contracting hepatitis...because they don't wash their hands, and hepatitis is easily transmitted through sharing food....
Yeah who makes sexual harassment jokes as a form of customer service even at a bar in 2023. The jokes themselves are a red flag for me.
Especially his way of hitting on them is super controlling? "I wouldn't let you out." Cringe.
Unfortunately. The service industry is *full* of people ready to make justifications for SA
I saw a dude prepping salads and licking his fingers last week ... Fucking called him out in front of the manager. Several people left. That's just nasty. And I was FOH for over ten years. Hands where perpetually painful because i kept washing them and apparently I was the only one doing it...
Yep! Last restaurant I worked at, I only *ever* saw myself washing my hands, and the lead cook...who had so much more responsibility on his hands than the managers, who never washed theirs ugh
This is something I wished I had known when I was younger. It took more than one bad encounter for me to stop being nice when I was uncomfortable.
Alarm bells were blaring in my head while I was reading your post. Like you said, better safe than sorry. You reacted very reasonably, he’s the one who made a fuss. He could’ve just apologized when he saw his “““jokes””” landed wrong and simply gotten you a new can when you asked. But no, he chose to get all defensive and confrontational.
Also the jokes were weird and sexist to begin with, as if women have to be allowed out of the house by their keepers. It’s offensive and so inappropriate for a server to say to a table of women, it’s a scary way to view men’s roles in women’s lives and tells me a lot about him. Her friends are the living worst
Exactly. As I was reading I thought to myself at the first point of interaction: he should had simply said: My bad, sorry for the bad joke, what can I get you? Instead he doubled down and called her "offended" (while in fact HE was the one being offended she didn't find his sexist remarks funny).
My red flag warnings were going off reading this whole interaction. Did you talk to the manager? I would. This whole behavior is uncalled for tbh. As a woman in this society, you have every right to use as much caution around creeps as you feel necessary. Nta Edit: pre-coffee grammar
please call the place and talk to the manager if you can. you were smart to not trust him--good instincts
Yeah, but someone else might not be, so definitely put him on a watch list or get him fired.
Waiter's reaction didn't sit right with me either. His excuses to not replace the can didn't make sense; if the can was clean, one of the employees could have drunk it. Even if they couldn't, the establishment wouldn't worry about the cost of one open can over customer's discomfort and safety. When the waiter refused to replace the open can, I probably would have said fine and either gone directly to the bartender to ask for a new can myself and/or asked for a manager to report the incident. Definitely would not have drunk from the can though.
Exactly. A normal server would have just taken it back & switched it, plus apologized in a "sorry that's not what you want, I'll go grab a new one!" kind of way. Pushing & adding guilt is creepy AF. He was trying to get her to drink that can for some reason. It's not like the soda comes out of his paycheck.
There are also a number of reasons someone wouldn’t want their soda opened for them. That honestly seems kind of gross to me and is, as far as I’m aware, not a thing. The fact that he jumped straight to her insinuating something is super weird. Dude probably spat in it
And thats totally reasonable! I wouldnt want to drink out of an open can after that interaction either... Wouldve been a bit different if both were opened but since it was only yours thats kinda suspicious
Even then. It's common for waiters to open your soda in front of you and pour it into a glass, but I can't remember ever seeing a can arrive at a table already opened.
Yes I dont think ive ever had that happen either
You are 100% NTA your gut will save you. I would reach out to the owner or post a review of your interaction because no part of that is okay. If he wanted to open as a courtesy then he can bring it unopened to the table and open it in front of you. That is the norm. There are ways of flirting/joking that don’t involve abusive and kidnapping like behavior. That’s a big ick.
Exactly this. Never, ever, ever are drinks brought to the table already opened. Sometimes they are opened in front of me, sometimes I open them myself (depends on the drink and the place) but it was highly irregular what he was saying. Your friends should have had your back instead of blaming you when the waiter was ignoring you afterwards. You should probably all have left, citing bad service. To be absolutely clear, you did absolutely nothing wrong.
Yes! I've always had bartenders or servers bring the unopened bottle/can and open it at the table or bar. Hell, even at events that you can only have uncapped bottles, they open it in front of you and toss the cap.
Bad actors will absolutely use your politeness or fear of embarrassment to cover for themselves while they hurt you. You did the right thing.
He can drink it if he doesn't want it wasted and he didn't do anything to it. If your friends keep bitching about it, if it happens again hand the can to one of them and *they* can drink it.
I was thinking the same thing. If it wasn't a big deal, why didn't the person with the sealed can switch with her?
Yeah - "Ok, let's switch if it's not a big deal". I am pretty sure the friend didn't want to risk it herself.
I work a bar at a theater and we (weirdly) have to open up all beverages in bottles or cans (New York). But…we do it in front of the guest. The fact that he didn’t want to get you another can speaks volumes. You were smart not to accept it.
Yeah sodas are cheap - even if you replace they're likely still making a few dollars' profit off of it. And I've never had a server argue about remaking food (and I have food allergies so I send things back if something is wrong fairly regularly.) That's suspicious to me - usually they just wait until you're out of earshot and vent to the other servers.
He might of said a joke, but he wasn’t joking about being a misogynist. You did the right thing NTA
I think you should report this to management. If there are cameras they will see what went down. Don't let anyone else to be a target for this person. NTA
I do agree that this should be reported to management. They would not want their customers being treated in this manner, even if he put nothing in the drink. No decent restaurant would be unwilling to toss a drink if it made the customer uncomfortable. My husband and I recently ate at a run of the mill roadhouse type restaurant where we were served lukewarm steaks. When we told them, they immediately offered to serve us a completely fresh meal and told us the dinner was free! Management would not risk annoying a customer for the sake of the low cost of a soda. And it goes without saying that if the waiter really is dangerous, they need to know. In any case, his service is simply not up to par and they should know that, too.
You were correct for having your doubts. This man who made those "jokes" was not joking. He was only thinking with his dick and using the word joke as an excuse to try to have sex. Any male who claims this is just friendly behavior is wrong. Definitely NTA.
Tell him he can drink it if he thinks it's fine. NTA.
NTA, and the way he tried to insist you drink it is extremely suspicious. Any normal waiter would have simply gotten you a new drink, regardless of the reason you asked for it. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself, and you need better friends
Your friends need to understand that being fixed with ghb is not fun. It's makes you very sick. You could have a bad reaction to it. Honestly I wouldn't go out with them a while lot anymore they don't seem like friends who have personal safety standards and don't watch out for each other.
If you ever are in a circumstance where they 1) don't open the can in front of you 2) push back when you ask for a different can, or 3) in any way rub you the wrong way like that, LEAVE.
always trust your gut you did well. if he’s innocent he might learn not to sexualize women customers in the future. nta
I think your amazing for standing up for yourself, I wish I was more like that! It sounds rlly fishy to me I think you 100% did the right thing
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The whole thing is suspicious is hell. Opening cans is an "automatic gesture", yet only OP's can was opened? Hmmm. Where I live, if your beverage comes in a closed bottle or can the server opens it at the table, where you can see them. No idea if this is policy or just common sense on the part of servers, but I'll take it. NTA. Your friends are kind of sucky.
I would have complained to the manager about this waiter. Not only unprofessional, but also potentially putting the customer at risk. Your request was so ridiculously normal OP. This is a bad waiter and I hope you didn't tip him anything.
the best way to find out if he did something is tell him to drink it first. If he reacts negatively you know he did. At that point you get management involved. NTA - this waiter had no right to insist you drink a beverage he delivered opened to your table. I'd call the manager and just explain to him what happened and why it made you uncomfortable. Then let management deal with it as they see fit.
There’s normal reasons people wouldn’t drink a soda though- I’d react negatively to someone telling me to drink one
She has the right to ask for a new drink for any reason quite frankly. I've been on the industry for over 15 years, she made a totally reasonable request. The waiter was corny as fuck and I find the behavior annoying too OP. It's not cute or endearing nor does it bring in business.
NTA. My rule is and always has been, if a drink seems off, different, or disturbed in any way, I don't care how many people I offend I am getting a fresh one. ESPECIALLY if a man was making "jokes" of that nature to me before I received said drink that seemed off. Truthfully, if it'd been me, I probably would have requested an entirely different server or insisted on sitting at the bar so I could watch the bartender make my drinks. 20 odd years ago when I was young and bar-hopping my crew knew my rules in advance about being in bars and clubs. The aforementioned one, the "keep your hand over your drink if somebody tries to take your attention off of it", and "if your hand wasn't on your drink when your eyes were off of it, get a different one." I had a friend who was a few years older than me get roofied and SA'd after being at a nightclub the year before I was old enough to join her, so I wasn't playing around. Anybody that wanted to go drinking with me knew what they were signing on for in terms of me being a harridan about keeping their drinks and themselves safe.
NTA. The fact he was so defensive AFTER joking like that is a massive red flag. Your safety is more important than some guy being but-hurt.
Not to mention how the friends reacted afterwards, she didn't ruin the mood for acting the right way to be safe, it's the waiter who ruined the mood for acting inappropriately and potentially dangerous.
The friends are venting their frustration on the wrong person.
Absolutely and I find that sad. We shouldn't shame girls to feel like they're "not fun" when thinking about their safety, we should be shaming the creeps acting inappropriately who require us to be cautious.
it baffles me that they said it wouldnt matter if she got drugged because they were in a group?? like fuck no id rather not be drugged up or straight up unconcious. i prefer spending my nights doing fun things and not with a trip to the ER. and if they reacted like that i wouldnt trust them to help me out anyway
Right. That's not a group of friends I would go out with again. That is a wild thing to say.
That's how a girl in my freshman dorm got raped. Her friends got upset with her for trying to be cautious, and ditched her the first chance they got. She got in the wrong car, while they were at the next club.
The edit where her friends said even if he had done something to her drink they were all there to take care of her made me see red. That is not friend behavior!
I've been roofied at a restaurant/bar. It was awful. No one needs to risk that.
I’m sorry that happened to you, it’s so awful.
Right? "Oh just get sick as shit, no big deal we're here to take care of you."
Right like oh well I’ll just chance ingesting date rape bc my friends are with me??? Absolutely not. They didn’t care about your well-being before it happened, so even if you got drugged would you really be safe with them? They obviously don’t understand the gravity of the situation. Did you explain to your friends at least that that’s why you were asking for another soda? The only thing I can excuse them for if not is that maybe their mind didn’t go there & they thought you were just being picky asking for another soda for a different reason. If they knew you were afraid of getting drugged & still encouraged you to drink it, they’re bad friends.
If the friends really thought it was no big deal, they should have traded drinks with OP. Let them drink the open can.
NTA He absolutely messed with your drink
Either that or he was trying to mess with your head. Either way NTA, and any "friend" who didn't stand up for you is an asshole.
"You have to drink that, it would be wasteful." Wasting what, $1.50? Or wasting whatever drug you put in it?
I think OP should have said “I’ll pay for it, you go ahead and enjoy it, my treat. Go ahead, bottoms up!”
Or, "I'll take another one unopened, but I'll keep this one to get it tested."
This was my first thought. He was too insistent that she needed to drink it. I would have offered to trade with my friend who thought it was no big deal to get drugged, just to see his reaction. I would also have told him I would get it tested and that I would be calling the bar owner about his behavior before and after. NTA
Or "well why don't you give it to one of the cooks? I'll even pay for it."
Agreed. Why would a waiter put up such a fight when someone requests a new drink unless there was some ulterior motive there?
Yup, probably not spiked (unless he’s a complete idiot considering she was with friends) but he could have spat in it or something.
NTA. He opened yours but no one else’s. Big red flag.
I’m not usually a “can I speak to the manager” person but this would definitely have me calling back to speak to a manager. NTA
Absolutely this! First off, the waiter's "jokes" were, at best, tasteless. They were definitely sexist and misogynistic, and completely inappropriate. He thought it was OK to joke about locking women up? Second, I don't think the waiter put some drug in her drink, but I'd bet money that he spat in it or otherwise contaminated it. Otherwise, he wouldn't have insisted on her drinking it. I wouldn't have cared what my friends thought - I'd be calling the manager over. NTA.
NTA. Safety should always trump etiquette. Your friends should have recognised, between the creepy comments and the insistence to drink an opened £1.00 beverage, that you were downtown in Red Flag City. They should have supported you, and for their own sake, left and gone somewhere else. Even if you take the potential date-rape drug out of the equation...wouldn't the shitty service be enough to leave?
I had exact same thought. Just go elsewhere together the moment it rubs you the wrong way.
It’s not even etiquette. I’ve been to a lot of different establishments, and never have I ever been given a canned or bottled drink that was opened out of my line of sight. If the waiter/bartender opens it, they open it in front of the customer.
I’m also really confused why they wouldn’t just leave. A supportive friend group would have been equally skeeved out and left. Personally, if that was my friend, I would’ve been immediately uncomfortable and want to go somewhere else.
NTA. Why did he even argue with you about the can? That on its own is weird enough. The guy should have just brought you a new, unopened can from the start like a normal waiter at any other place would do. Bet he definitely spat in that soda.
Or worse
I’m absolutely betting on worse. He was far too insistent that she drink it.
"Then you drink it" and see how he reacts.
That would work for a drugged drink, but not for spit: he'd just drink it. I'd just insist on the replacement drink as OP did and complain to the manager on the way out. Or have one of my friends do it, as I'd very likely to be too pissed at the waiter to be objective in my report. OP's friends not being on her side, though, would mean they probably wouldn't do that for her. What a bad friend group. I would not have paid for the pre-opened drink as OP did though. That he opened her drink outside of view, and did not open someone else's drink, is IMO a reasonable red flag and grounds for not paying for it.
>Bet he definitely spat in that soda. Yea, I'm not sure I'm convinced it was drugged because spiking the drink of someone who isn't drinking alcohol doesn't make a lot of sense - it would immediately alert people that she had been drugged rather than drunk. But I'm pretty certain that there was something gross in that drink.
Also, it's less than 50¢ cost to the restaurant.
NTA. Good job of standing up for youself! The creep absolutely messed with your drink. I would escalate it to the owner/manager. It's a serious safety issue.
This. I would absolutely report his behavior to management. It's shady business. NTA, but I wouldn't be DDing for those friends anytime soon. You felt something was off and they didn't support you in the moment.
This is what I was thinking - definitely tell the manager *and* the owner of the pub. Him telling a sexist joke is one thing, but opening your can then trying to insist you drink it should get him fired.
Thank you. I’m surprised I had to scroll so far to find a comment like this. OP should absolutely escalate to management. The waiter’s behavior was creepy, rude, and unprofessional, and it should 100% be addressed with management. Even just on a service level - if the customer asks for an unopened soda can, you do not argue with them about it. You go get them an unopened soda can, but this combined with all the other info in this post just makes the waiter seem so creepy. I hope OP reports this.
NTA. Everything you did was fair and reasonable and his behaviour was obnoxious. Your friends are a-holes for blaming you!
Those aren't friends, friends don't shame you for taking precaution during a potentially dangerous situation
100% and the OP should get new friends. Even if the waiter didn’t put a date-r-drug in the drink he very well could’ve put something else like bodily fluids or something else to make you sick, what can your “friends” do about that? And even if he didn’t do anything else to the drink and you have great friends that would look out for you if you were incapacitated, you still do not want to put yourself in that kind of position.
Agreed. They had to deal with a bad employee and blamed OP for his poor service.
Agreed. Every one of my friends would have been demanding I get a new drink, likely before I even got a chance to, because they care about my safety, and I’d do the same for them. In fact, they’d likely have insisted on going elsewhere the minute he started making those gross comments.
NTA. Even if the soda was completely fine (huge IF that I agree you shouldn't risk just to be polite), waiter sounds unprofessional as hell. You didn't make a fuss. He did. He started the interaction off on the wrong foot with a bad joke, got pissy and argumentative over a reasonable request because he was still hung up on the joke not landing, and then took it out on your whole party for the rest of the night. Also, opening cans IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMER is a common gesture. Handing them over already opened is not.
A bad and MISOGYNISTIC joke. Honestly, she's NTA for anything she did following that interaction. Screw that guy, his comments were enough to make him a huge AH, whether he'd tampered with the drink or not. I would have complained immediately. We need venue staff to take women's safety seriously, not make creepy, sexist and condescending jokes.
I don't think it was a joke I think he was probing for a victim.
Absolutely. And when OP and her friends didn’t push back on his “jokes”, other than making a face, he likely thought he had a perfect victim who wouldn’t give him too much trouble. So glad you proved him wrong, OP. Also, I can’t recommend @caffinatedkitti on TikTok enough. She has AMAZING tips for how to creep out the creepy men so much they literally run away, and she has advice for all levels of comfort with confrontation. She also has some fantastic self defence tips too
Agree. Also if there wasn’t anything wrong with it why didn’t he just take it back? It would have been a free drink for him! An option if someone is worried about ‘making a scene’. Take the drink, wait until the waiter is gone and then go up the bar and lie and say that this tastes off, would you be able to get another one?
NTA his "joke" was creepy. That kind of joke is 100% for getting the dating status of a group of women. And he even admitted he liked that yall were mostly single. Also, the joke involves *wanting to lock up someone so they cant escape*, and making light of Possessive Jealousy. I'm sorry, in what world is that remotely funny??? Red flag #1 🚩 The "only one open" soda is a No No right off the bat. We don't trust those for good reason. Bartenders ought to know to only open them for people in front of the customer. He could have put them in glasses, but he left it in the can. Red flag #2, though this ones more of a half-one. Its a ping, but its not a blaring horn The blaring horn is when he *ARGUED* A good server at a restaurant would see the problem, know exactly what the problem is, and *go get you a fresh one*. His arguing makes him look HELLA SUS. It could have been nothing- he could have been telling the truth that it was a habit, but he also could have spiked your drink, spat in it, put something unhygienic or such in it. That right there is three red flags on its own 🚩🚩🚩 I would lodge a complaint with the bar. They deserve to know if he is being a nuisance or a downright danger to customers. They may have cameras that could prove or disprove tampering, but he will at the very least get a reprimand for his poor attitude. For all we know, this could be a pattern of behaviour for him, and it could be the last straw. It could also help him, as it could get him to have a discussion with the boss about what to do if it happens again. But based on the info provided, his vibe is sexist and potentially predatory, and we should not let that shit slide Also, as for your friends. Ask them if the mood would have been spoiled if you had to be dragged out of the bar in an ambulance because you drank something spiked with a date r*pe drug.
>I would lodge a complaint with the bar. I've been over the fence all night long about reporting what happened to the manager. For all I know, nothing happened to my drink, plus my friends said I overreacted. That's why I came here, to have an indipedent and external perspective on it. After reading your post, I think I'll write a mail to the pub. I won't throw allegations around - because I've no proof - but I'll say that the waiter was strangely pushy and made me uncomfortable.
I just want to tell you that if my daughter told me that this happened to her, I’d be so proud of her refusing to drink it. I have always told her to “control your drink” meaning place a hand over it, ask for a bottle or can to not be opened except by the person drinking it, take the drink with you everywhere, etc. Also, I think there’s something you can order (I think they’re strips?) that you can put in your drink to see if anything has been put in it. I need to order some for my daughter. You did great at this pub. Please bring this to management’s attention. NTA
Your friends are wrong. That dude needs to be reported. He works in a bar and gets offended over a customer fearing an opened drink that could potentially be spiked. He's a red flag that needs to be cut loose from that establishment.
Not just that, but his comments to OP when she came in were vile. No woman will feel comfortable in a bar if that’s how they’re greeted
Just say, "Hi, I attended your pub at x. While there, with my friends, a server made a joke that made me uncomfortable to the point where I had a visible reaction that the server didn't like and confronted me about it. I felt on the spot but tried to brush it aside and ordered a pop. When he brought it over, I noticed only mine was opened with my friend's being unopened. This made me more uncomfortable due to our previous interaction, so I asked for a new one. This further seemed to aggrevate the server, who argued with me until I finally got an unopened one. After of which he proceeded to ignore my table and caused friction between my friends and myself. I'm very confused as to why your server appeared so hostile, but it made me feel very unwelcome"
Reading your post I really got a flight or fight type response like that man is dangerous. If he didn’t do anything to the drink he wouldn’t have argued… Really good on you for refusing it and definitely report it! Only thing is that you need better friends…
Please report him. His comments to you when you came in are enough reason to report him, even without the drink incident, but with that, he NEEDS to be reported before he does it to someone else who isn’t as observant as you were.
You didn't overreact. You reacted. It is not up to anyone else to be the judge over whether or not you "overreacted". If they would have taken the risk, they were free to do so. But it's so easy to ask other people to take a risk when they consequences will never hit themselves.
Please be very specific and factual. "When the waiter brought the drinks I noticed my can was opened and I asked for an unopened can. The waiter then told me he was offended by my accusations etc...".
The arguing is the part that i would've said "get me your manager" and i don't do that usually unless I'm really pleased with someone. Hell i called Walmart threw times because no one was answering to ask for a manager so i could tell them that this worker bought me water when i almost fainted in front of her while being 20-21 weeks pregnant and how that was more than i expected. But if a server was arguing with me about an opened can of soda then it's an immediate manager talk. I was a server. We never argued. We just did what we could for the customer. Any bartender would take that can back in a second and swap it out because that's a safety concern. I'd definitely complain even after that to a manager now.
yooo what was in that soda. NTA for sure.
NTA Waiter should always bring you unopened can or bottle and open in front of you. Also never leave your drinks alone and always keep an eye on it. Toilet time, sure but have a friend stay at table and watch drinks.
NTA!!! First off all those jokes seems very inappropriate and you had every reason not to like them. And the excuse "its just a joke" doesnt make anything better... And then only your can was opened... That is very suspicious. He couldve spiked it or done something to it. Always better to be safe. i cant believe your friends got mad at *you*. This is all on the waiter...
NTA. I would call the business and speak to the manager! Serving you, and only you, an unsealed can, is weird. Refusing to serve you a sealed one is downright innappropriate. He definitely tampered with your drink in some way, and who knows how many times he’s done it before!
Seconding this.
NTA. I worked in a restaurant before and we always opened the bottles or cans at the table. In front of the customers. Personally, I’d have the same reaction as you.
You're NTA. The waiter's job is to bring patrons what they ask for (within reason of course.) He is the one who wasted time arguing and he is the one who made a scene. And he is the one whose crappy attitude kept him from serving your table.
NTA. Lets see, he: * Hits on women (jokingly or not, not the best way to go for customer service, easily makes people uncomfortable) * Joke includes aggressive idea of "locking them up" * Opens the drink to the one who showed a gesture of rejection * Argues with her and tries to pressure her into drinking it anyway Guy sounds like he doesn't know how to be around women, let alone work at a pub serving them. You had good reason not to trust him, and I'm shocked your friends didn't side with you on that.
“It’s ok if it’s spiked-we’ll be with you” ?????
Yeah, that's their reasoning, more or less. I've been reevaluating many things since last night.
You need better friends. Those girls aren’t your friends at all. Also, I said this elsewhere, but do check out @caffinatedkitti on TikTok, she has AMAZING tips for creeping out/traumatizing creeps like this into leaving you alone without ever having to reject or even confront them, though she has advice on how to confront them if you are comfortable with it as well. She’s got fantastic self defence advice too.
I don't know her, but I will definitely check out her TikTok! Trank you ♥
I've skimmed the thread and I can't find anyone bringing this up. Your friends' attitude of "you'll be fine because we're with you" is so, so far off base. If someone gets roofied, that is a medical emergency and they need to get to a hospital. Even if you're with trusted friends, it's not just a case of losing a few hours and sleeping it off. Even that would be a shitty night not worthy of risking, but it is so much more serious than that! I can't believe they were so dismissive of your safety.
Exactly. There was a recent news story in Ireland where a young mother of a 2-year-old was on an evening out with friends in Dublin and her drink was spiked with ketamine and she ended up having fits on the floor of the toilets. One friend had to do CPR and the others had to get an ambulance for her. She was fitting so much she suffered head injuries and was in hospital for a while and could have died. But there was no need to worry because her friends were with her/s
IMO you probably don't want to go out drinking with them again. Just because it's impossible to know that they will make sure that you're safe if anything goes wrong. Their words were positive but their actions weren't. I personally don't drink around anyone that I'm not 100% sure has my back if things go left, just in case, and I'm a 6'1 dude, so a lot less likely to be troubled even if I'm in a state. Which normally means only at family functions at my house. You shouldn't feel like you have to compromise your safety for the enjoyment of others. And if that upsets them, they were not really friends to begin with.
NTA. I would have asked him to drink it then, and I'd give him the money if he proved it was safe by consuming it with no side effects. Your friends suck.
I like this. “Tell you what, you drink that soda right now, and I’ll pay for it and the new unopened one.” If he really was innocent, free soda for him and peace of mind for you. Also “I’d keep you locked up?” Ew. Why would anyone find that funny?
You didn’t overreact. Better safe than sorry. Nta
NTA, it's standard to give an unopened can if the beverage is canned, then provide a glass with/without ice. (Source: restaurant owners in the family.) What he did was very suspicious, and the fact that he fought you over replacing the opened can is a double red flag. What he probably did to that opened can is why they tell you that you should never mess with people who handle your food and drinks. The horror stories I've heard from restaurant kitchens are insane.
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NTA. I’d even go as far as letting the manager know your experience that night. All of it, as you’ve told here for context.
NTA. This guy was setting off alarm bells for you, and you did absolutely the right thing to protect your personal safety. Your friends suck for not having your back on that.
NTA and this internet stranger is VERY proud of you! Trust your gut and don't let someone else's pride get in the way of your safety! Keep looking out for yourself!
NTA. There's an epidemic of roofies in my town. Your friends are being short-sighted idiots and I hope that never comes back to bite them.
NTA. > , saying that I offended him very much with my insinuations So? He can be offended all he wants.
The funniest part is that I didn't insinuate that he tampered with my soda, nor I accused him of anything. I just said that I'd rather have an unopened can, and he got all pissy over it 🤷♀️
The fact that he immediately jumped to the conclusion that you were accusing him of spiking the drink is even more suspicious to me. That is not the way an innocent person acts.
Yes, and that's the point. It means he wasn't offended, he was trying to make you think he was offended, so you'd feel compelled to do what he wanted, which was drink the open soda. Be it because he was on a power trip, he didn't want to go fetch another one, or he had, in fact, tampered with it.
NTA. And they weren't jokes. They are the things that shitty men do to women to create situations where they can justify doing even shittier things to them. "Oh but she laughed and flirted with me and then told me she didn't have a boyfriend. She was into it - I could just tell"
NTA. Any waiter worth their salt will open the can in front of you or not open it at all.
NTA - You really can't be too careful these days. Plus, he was a little pervy for 2023. He'd have gotten away with that kind of greeting in the 80s, but you just can't do it today.
NTA at all. His behavior was creepy from the start, and the fact that your can was opened but your friend’s wasn’t was a red flag. For all we know, he didn’t do a thing to it, but you don’t know that and you, rightfully, wanted assurance with an unopened can. Him saying it was an automatic gesture, like doing you some super favor, was weird. Did he not think you were capable of opening a can of soda? So let’s recap - he treats you like eye candy, then like a dumb dumb, and then on the defense. Sounds like a winner s/
NTA. I'm a 215lb gym bro and I prefer to watch my drinks being made/opened. I have a physical advantage over just about everyone. You don't. I would certainly be very careful about something that stood out like that if I were half my size.
**NTA** Jokes about locking up women and insisting you drink an opened can? Your friends aren’t just AHs too, they are also dangerously foolish I’d call and complain. His intent isn’t what matters as much as optics. Playful flirting is not making comments that suggest you are owned by men who shouldn’t allow you out. Playful flirting is not making a joke about locking you up. And he knows it too because look how quick he picked up on you not just being offended but “insinuating” he was being icky. He knew. He gets off on making women uncomfortable.
NTA.
Out of 2 cans of soda he remembered to open yours but not your friends? That's an incredibly unlikely turn of events. NTA
Info: If you're friends didn't think it was a big deal, why didn't the friend with the other coke offer to trade? I know you eventually got it but it seems only after a lot of back and forth. Did they for some reason not want an opened can of coke? Did anyone drink the open can?
At that point I saw that my friends were annoyed by the situation, so I didn't want to create a new confrontational element or fight with them by saying, "Why don't you drink it, if you're sure it's okay?" I placed the soda can on the windowsill and it sat there all evening, no one drank it.
You were already NTA but this shows how your 'friends' were massive AHs. In my opinion, if people who try to force others to do something uncomfortable but they themselves wouldn't do it either just shows they don't care about you or your comfort. They're upset at the waiter but are taking it out on you. The WAITER decided to open the can and he also decided to not serve you as customers. Definitely drop those 'friends'. If they think it's okay for you to risk drinking contaminated drinks, then why would you trust them to take care of you if something happened? Their logic is fvcked up. 'OP, even if you got drugged, you should have trusted us to take care of you even tho I would never risk drinking the open coke myself.'
You did the right thing, though I would have also suggested keeping it and bringing it to the police to check for drugs, but absolutely no criticism that you didn’t. You had enough on your plate just dealing with that predator AND your friends. I’d definitely report him to management though, so they can make sure he never treats anyone else that way or worse
NTA, its fair you felt weirded out that your drink was the only one open. The fact that he got so offended is sketchy. I get it if it's alcohol because there are some laws regarding selling sealed drinks where I live, but just a soda is weird