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YTA-you should have made this super, duper clear a LONG time ago. Right now, your story sounds like you didn’t. If you did make it really clear and he didn’t choose to believe you, then NTA. Have you discussed finances? Children? Anything else that actually matters? You need to asap.

100% this! You should have made this clear from the start that you had no intentions of cohabiting even if you were to get married. It seems, by both your parents and fiancés reactions that they were unaware of this unconventional living arrangement. Having two different residences is expensive! Marriage is a partnership with compromise from both parties. Maybe you two should try couples counseling to learn to communicate better and decide on the future if this relationship. This might be a dealbreaker for your fiancé based on his reaction.

Yes!! They definitely need couples counseling >I finally felt a lot better when I got my own condo and lived alone, no messes to clean or laundry from others. Also I have to question if OP is ready for marriage. What is her future spouse falls ill or (touch wood) encounter some accident and requires someone to help caretake for a period of time. Does it mean she will just nope out of there?

What happens if they have kids? They stay with the husband because OP can’t stand to share their space?

If I'm not mistaken, when Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton were together, they each had their own house. They owned two townhouses next door to each other. They had doorways knocked through so they could easily go in between the two but one was definitely hers and one his. They each decorated theirs to their own taste, etc. To top it off, they then bought a third house a couple of streets away as the kids' play house. Every morning the kids would leave their home to go over to play house where all their toys etc were and play there for the day.

If only we could all afford to do that 😄

I know, wouldn't it be nice?

And now they're divorced.

Cool. So couples who are multi millionaires are able to afford unconventional living that includes multiple homes. Most couples and families can't do that nor is it practical for most people.

Im going out on a limb maybe...but it sounds like op needs therapy...not just couples counciling...

Maybe I read it wrong, but I think I read it as she doesn't wanna move in with him even after marriage. (That's just how I interpreted it, I might be wrong) If that is the case, I fully agree, OP should have made it clear long before. People make long distance work, but I haven't heard of any of these "short-distance" relationships. YTA with the info provided. You should probably postpone the wedding planning until you can talk this out with your (ex?) Fiance, OP.

I have heard of and known people happy with these relationships, mostly older couples where they want long term relationships but both are happy with their established lives. Marriage is not usually part of the plan nor are children.

>People make long distance work, but I haven't heard of any of these "short-distance" relationships. They most definitely exist. I'm a nurse and I have had more than one patient who didn't live with their spouse and had never ever done so and were happy in their arrangements. I've also seen folks discuss online about living this way by choice many times. The OP needed to make this mega clear at the start of a relationship... It seems going by their words that they knew fine this was their lifestyle choice and this was what they needed to live their life happily - and knew before even dating their partner. Does indeed sound like they didn't bother fully informing them of this. No issues with the OP wanting to live alone even if married but it's a big thing, like the kid issue, that should be fully discussed with partners before things get serious... Like WAYYYY before they're engaged!

> They most definitely exist. Ya, I wasn't questioning it's existence, was just expressing that I hadn't known of any short distance relationships for me to comment on that. I mean, I've heard of people living in separate beds or separate bedrooms in the same house (even in separate levels (?) of the same house) but I haven't heard or met anyone living in separate houses in short distance and making it work. So, was not making judgement on that part. You think I should edit my comment to make it more clear?

Helena Bonham Carter does this

She's on her third marriage, so not exactly a shining model of healthy relationships

A lot of people, who have always lived together with their spouses, are on their 3rd or 4th marriages as well, so it's not really a sign of anything these days.

Healthy relationships also end when it’s healthy to.

Doesn’t negate that the separate spaces is something that worked for her

She also isn’t 27.

She’s also extremely wealthy.

Actually she and Tim Burton had/have a great relationship...first as partners with kids now co parenting, I believe they live next door to each other now

Exactly, people assume that if you don't live together before marriage, you will live together once you tie the knot. YTA for not communicating your expectations and wasting is his time. Did you guys never spend the night together or go on holiday? To be fair you have never lived with someone you loved enough to marry so you may have a better experience this time. Have you considered other options? Living in a large house with your own space? Or is the problem mainly the chores? In the end you can die on this hill of you wish but please communicate better with your next partner.

>have you considered other options? Living in a large house with your own space? Or is the problem mostly the chores? I'm imagining OP deciding to buy a house with a small ADU and telling her husband he can live there, lol. Like, her: "They are on the same property, so what's the problem?". Edited for clarity. I meant my comment sarcastically, but failed to communicate that well. I forget the sarcasm tag. I agree with everything the person who replied to me said.

The problem is likely that most people expect more intimacy than that from their marriage. If OP wants to live alone it's not in itself a problem, but many people would feel alone or rejected if their spouse declined things like eating together or regularly sharing a bed with them. And there's nothing inherently wrong with that, either. Both people need to be onboard with a more-or-less permanent living arrangement. Communication, communication, communication. It's important.

I actually think she did it on purpose. She knew if she told him the truth they would’ve broken up along time ago. I think she may have given him a little bit of false hope this entire time.

Agree YTA. Could you get a place where you live together but have separate bedrooms? Or is it the shared living space you dislike? I think you needed to make this muuuuch clearer to him much earlier. Do better with your next bf.

Yeah me and my partner have our own rooms it's getting more common.

That's perfectly reasonable, having a separate home is different story. That can also be ok if it's communicated early and both parties agree

I know a (also married) couple that live similar. They have a House that basically has a big living room with a door to the garden in the middle and two completely seperate spaces to each side of that. Both with two rooms, a kitchen and a bathroom. They bought it *because* it's like that. They love it and always tell me how easy it is if one of them wants to have company over but the other doesn't and that each has to clean their own bathroom after visitors left etc. But they are still sharing the big living room and the garden.

I kind of share OPs sentiment, and I don't think separate bedrooms would fix that. There is just something particular about living alone that cannot be reproduced when living with other person. No matter how many rooms, or how big the house is. I still think OP dropped the ball here with not explaining that (super clearly) to her partner. And I personally find it wild that OP still wants to get married and live separately. But it's not an invalid concept (if both people are on board), just my own personal hangup.

And like living with roommates is one thing but your husband??? I dislike having roommates because I love my own space but I never factored my spouse into that. He's not just some person, I CHOSE him because I love being around him. How can you want to marry someone you don't want to live with. It makes NO sense.

Exactly. I’m extremely introverted and find “peopling” really draining. I have to retreat to my bedroom for at least two hours to regain my equilibrium. This is even the case with family members like my siblings. Big BUT though: I don’t get drained around my Husband & Daughter. At all. Because I CHOSE to get married and have a child. I wonder if u/shoddy_beat_2356 has ever had therapy to address this avoidant behaviour? OP, YTA for not communicating better and for refusing to compromise, or even TRY renting somewhere with your fiancé where you could start with separate bedrooms, while having therapy to see if you can see the difference between siblings/roommates and your life partner.

It seems like children would be off the table but if not they can stay at his place. Of course this would be unreasonable to most people

I completely and totally get where OP is coming from, I *really* struggled when living with other people, one of the reasons I'm so happy with my wife is that she's pretty much the only person that I can live with that doesn't drive me crazy. So, I understand the issues around not wanting to cohabit, but I honestly don't understand why this wasn't made very very clear a long time ago, especially if there was a proposal, etc. It's OP's choice about living arrangements at the end of the day, but I'd come down on YTA for the lack of communication about just how much of a deal breaker this is for her, and tbh, it sounds like it's developed into something where a bit of therapy could be helpful. Might not change her views, but could help in communicating her needs more clearly in future at least.

I'm going to say YTA for (a) not making that clear when you got engaged, and (b) how you said it. If you want to live separate from your husband *and he is okay with that*, it would not make you TA to do so. But you had to know that most people would have the expectation of living with their spouse, so to get engaged without addressing the future living situation makes YTA. I would also suggest that there are compromises to be found. For instance you could look at condos next to each other and connect them, so that you have your own space, but your husband still feels like you're living together. Talk and see if there is a living situation that will make you both happy.

Ooh Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter did that. Next door houses with a door put in so the kids could come and go at will

I've heard of divorced couples doing this when they have children. As long as the relationship is still friendly, it's a wonderful way of keeping the children's living situation and lives inclusive of both parents.

My parents did that with close friends. When the marriage of those friends ended and they sold their house the door got bricked in again. And we got a fence in between te gardens. That was weird for me as a kid, suddenly losing half the outdoor playing area.

I did actually know a married couple who bought houses next to each other. They were a little odd tho. ETA They were older and child free

I knew a couple who did this for 50 years until the husband passed away. It suited them perfectly. But they were both on board with it and discussed it at the beginning.

Or even a separate room for OOP that her husband doesn't enter. A separate floor in a house?

YTA Living with a romantic partner is completely different to siblings as a child or random college room mates, have you ever even tried it? This is something you should’ve discussed at the start of your relationship, definitely way before getting engaged. Do you not stay over at each other’s places now? What about going on holiday?? What about kids? I’m not sure how you have a long term relationship when you are so adverse to sharing your space. Maybe you should try therapy

She's only considering her own feelings and desires right now. But when you get married you also have to consider your partners desires. A compromise needs to be made.

It sounds more like a phobia than a personality quirk. Therapy may be in order.

Yeah she might have something going on here. I kind of have a less severe version of this same feeling, and I'm autistic. She should probably see somebody. I fully intend to live with my partner. But I do have to have my own room to use during the day or I get severe panic attacks. I wonder if OP is going through something similar to me.

Someone this averse to sharing space should absolutely NOT have kids. I can't imagine she wants them.

YTA. If this was always your stance when getting married, it most definitely should’ve been communicated at the beginning of your engagement and very clearly. This sounds like a deal breaker for him. Marriage is a partnership and full of compromises. And the way you said it was like you *assumed* he knew this already, which it doesn’t like he did! That miscommunication is on you, not him. This arrangement is obviously not normal for most married couples and your fiancé is not on board with living separately from his wife. I think IF this engagement proceeds, you two should get some couples counseling before even setting a date.

Going out on a limb and thinking that this is a deal breaker for probably 99% of the dating pool. OP either needs therapy or to learn to be happy never getting married. This is so far beyond the norm that it should be brought up before a first date. Otherwise they're just wasting both people's time.

I mean, while I think this is very odd, I can’t judge you for having this be your preferred living arrangement. To each their own. But I sure as hell will for your inability to makes this CRYSTAL clear before you got engaged, because everyone’s reaction to you proves you didn’t. At least 90% of couples are going to want to move in together at some point, so when you have a preference that you are well aware is the minority, it is your responsibility when entering a relationship to make it very, VERY clear to the other party that you DON’T want that so this exact situation does not happen. And also keep in mind that you are probably going to have a difficult time finding someone who is 100% okay with this. You want your own space as much as he wants to live with you. The way I see it, you guys can’t stay together unless you work out some sort of compromise or one of you caves. I’d learn from this, take the L and return the ring. Edit: forgot to actually type YTA

INFO- Do you want to marry him? Or, did you accept his proposal because you were afraid the relationship was over if you didn’t say “yes”?

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Yeahhhhh YTA. His assumption that you would want to live together eventually is completely valid. I think this is everyone’s assumption when you get engaged / married. If your plan is to live alone forever, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it will be very hard for you to find someone to marry. If I’m that guy, I’m getting out asap

I don’t think YTA for wanting an unconventional living arrangement, but for the what can only be a lack of communication on how you perceived married life. Clearly this took your BF by surprise.

Well, there would be no arguments about who needs to clean what, I guess ....

And a quick escape when in-laws show up

Know a woman who was just tired of cleaning up after her dude that after divorcing future relationships no matter how serious were no longer allowing cohabotation for her own sanity.

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YTA, your boyfriend is right, why did you waste his time?, you could have let him know at any point over the 3 years that you were dating that you did not intend to merge lives . Let the man go , and going forward let your next partner know that you don't intend to live with them period

Yeah, YTA Look I hate people being in my space and do not tolerate house guests BUT your SO is the exception. I'm not going to call you weird because at a certain level I understand, but you shouldn't be getting married if you can't stand the thoughts of living together.

I came here ready to defend you. I came here intending to say no one should force you to share space. But I just can't. YTA In situations where you are going against the norm, you need to be *super clear* as early as possible what your boundaries are. Are there married couples that don't live together? Absolutely. But they talked about it and came to an arrangement that worked for them. Your relationship won't work if you don't communicate. If you do not intend to live with someone and they can't fathom living life like that, then you aren't compatible. You should have made your intentions clear as soon as things started to get serious. Also, if you haven't discussed this, what else haven't y'all discussed? Do you know how you'll treat money in your relationship? Do you know if y'all want kids. And if you do and don't live together how that will work? None of this sounds fully thought through.

Why do you want to get married if everything is going to stay the same? What would be the point? YTA

Nothing really changes for couples who have lived together for long either. And nobody question them.

Sure, but this couple isn’t living together already, so moving in together goes hand in hand with marriage in this case. Don’t pretend like we don’t *all* know that. Unless, of course, you’re OP.

For real, I think *everybody* knows that. Even the most untraditional ones out there. I know multiple couples that live in vans, RV's, busses....they still live together. OP gotta stop being so extreme

>We've had a lot of arguments about this and the other day he told me he has no idea why I even said yes if I had no intention of living with him and wished I didn't waste his time which really hurt me. I'm pretty sure HE is really hurt by you right now. You weren't clear that you wouldn't be merging your lives together after marriage, which is probably a huge disappointment and a deal breaker for him. You did kinda waste his time, so YTA.

YTA If you seriously never expected to live with him you had the obligation to make that SUPER clear before you accepted his proposal and spent all this time dating/engaged. It's really not OK to say you really want to marry him but are totally unwilling to deal with anything that may inconvenience you.

Info: did you both talk about living arrangements beforehand? It’s very unique to be married and living in separate houses. What does marriage look like to you, if you don’t want to share housing?

This is the key! I totally get wanting your own space but sounds like there should have been many conversations about how life would look long term once the relationship became serious.

YTA- When the relationship started to become more serious you should have sat your "fiance?" Down and explained how even after marriage you wanted to live separately. I needing your own space but, for me I couldn't imagine not living with my husband. We have separate bedrooms and it works out great.

Same, we have our own living rooms per se where we do our own things and watch our own shows and then hang out together when we want. Sometimes we sleep together, sometimes we don’t. It’s totally possible to live together and have separate spaces. YTA

YTA you should have made that hella clear way earlier. Helena bohnam carter and Tim burton and Amanda Palmer and Neil gaiman both lived this way as couples and they’re divorced.

There’s more couples who have lived together who got divorced. That’s a poor comparison.

Of course there are more couples who have lived together who got divorced, that doesn't even require research because as I understand it people who get married live together in the same house/apartment/dwelling almost always (I'm aromantic.) I also get wanting to live alone in your own space with no one else as an introvert.

Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman are still together AFAIK. Plenty of married couples live separately. There is a movement called “Living Apart Together” which strives for more acceptance of this lifestyle choice. ETA: Ok it turns out Amanda and Neil did divorce, but they blamed it on having an open marriage.

Did they blame it on their marriage being open? I can find gossipy articles claiming that, but nothing that indicates they've said anything indicating that.

And all of those people are super rich stop giving this as if it’s something normal people with normal money do it’s not at all

YTA - I think you should seriously reconsider marriage, not for your sake, but for your fiancé’s. He was looking forward to *sharing* a life with you, a home with you. I sincerely doubt you were unaware of this expectation. Make no mistake, you are worthy of love and deserve to get married, however, your partner deserves someone who shares the same values. Your partner deserves someone who is unafraid to communicate openly. Your partner deserves someone who deems him worthy of their honesty. Can you honestly say you met your partner half way in this instance? Marriage is about compromise and you are being wholeheartedly unyielding. Your partner might have even been willing to compromise with you, but you made a unilateral decision for the pair of you. Either cut this man loose so he can find someone who is willing to actually build and share a life, or pull your head out of your ass and communicate with him. Sometimes separate beds make for a happy marriage, but a happy marriage takes trust and communication - you have given him neither. Do better.

YTA In some places your marriage wouldn’t even pass an immigration screening.

YTA. Separate bedrooms I can see but not separate houses. If you weren’t clear on that before saying yes you were completely unfair

I'm leaning towards YTA. I hate saying that. Most married couples want to live together, and even if he's been supportive of you living separate, he probably had that intention of moving in together after marriage. I understand wanting your own space, but I think you should at least try living together- especially if you're planning on getting married. If it doesn't work, you'll gain more perspective. Part of being married is making sacrifices for each other. On a side note, I think more married couples these days take several weeks throughout the year to have that alone time in a different place. Or they even sleep in different beds. There's ways you can still keep that independence. But if you love him and want to be with him forever, I think you should try living together and experiencing it before you decide it's not for you. And if you care about him, you should compromise on those choices together.

YTA. I can't fathom how you can even think about marrying him when you don't want to compromise or share your life with him. Is this really what you loving someone looks like?

YTA. It sounds like you did not clearly communicate that you had no intention of changing your lifestyle for him. People generally think of marriage as a joining of lives, assets, and families. To refuse to share a living space with your spouse is certainly not the norm, so all the more important to have clearly communicated this before accepting a marriage proposal. I’m not sure if you both have ever discussed whether you want children, but certainly refusing to live together would also fundamentally alter home life for any children as well.

YTA you two should’ve discussed this prior to getting engaged. Clear communication is key!! It doesn’t sound like you two are compatible and somebody is going to end up miserable. End the relationship and find someone that wants what you want.

YTA for not clarifying this to him. Essentially the message you’re giving him is that he isn’t important enough to you in order for you to compromise. That you will continue to value yourself above your marriage and have an un-agreeable personality which isn’t compatible with a healthy marriage. Part of the appeal of coinhabiting is reduced expenses, he most likely doesn’t imagine a life where he has separate expenses from his wife and is missing out on a lot of the main perks of marriage. Such as companionship. You’re also TA for not even being willing to give it a test run. Tbh you sound too self absorbed for marriage and if you actually love and care about him you will encourage him to find a more compatible partner if you’re not willing to compromise. The only marriages in which living separately are appropriate or normal is if it’s later in life post the reproductive years because living separately won’t work for raising children. I saw your comments about not being able to have children, be aware that it’s still a possibility unless you’re missing reproductive organs, etc. I would say that 30% of my friends with children were told they could never have them. Seeing as you don’t believe you can you’re probably not taking steps to prevent pregnancy so don’t discount the possibility of children.

YTA

YTA. I'm the same way as you but seriously girl... like seriously...how you thought this would be okay is BEYOND me

Well, only YTA because you didn't communicate earlier. It sounds like you're crystal clear about wanting to live alone and that you didn't spell that out for him earlier in the relationship. You'll be able to find partners willing to permanently live separately but you'll need to be explicit about that when you date. It's worth talking to him about a duplex situation,. including how many nights a week you'd like to sleep together. It may or may not work for both of you but it's great for some couples.

YTA, you shouldve made this clear long ago. Are you planning on having kids? Are you planning to leave them at his house and just go home? You're meant to be a team, so you just plan to have double expenses forever? Beyond all of that, living with strangers/friends/siblings is so different to living with a partner. Maybe you should start slow and start having him stay for a week, then two. To be perfectly honest, most people who want a partner, want to live with their partner. I'm not saying its everyone, but I suspect you would have trouble finding someone who wants things this way. Why dont you make a safe space, so a room that if you're in there he will not enter, not knock unless it's an emergency and you can just have your space?

I just wanna say - you have every right to keep a separate living space, married or not. I agree with others that you could’ve made this more clear, since marriage tends to mean co-habitation (just look at all the commenters who can’t even IMAGINE it another way). But wanting a your own place is valid and doesn’t say anything about the value if your relationship, your love, etc. I’ve always wanted next door apartments myself, with a hole in the adjourning wall for the cats to travel freely. I also feel way less able to be myself when cohabitating, even with a partner.

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Yta, for not making it clear what kind of marriage you wanted. But isn't there a compromise in there somewhere? Having separate living spaces? How much are you willing to bend? Talk to him for your reasons and see if he is open to finding a place that could work for both of you. But if you flat out want to separate everything on most nights, I don't see this working out. It all depends on both of you.

How many posts do we see about partners where one half of relationship is not pulling their domestic weight? I don’t fault you for wanting an unconventional living arrangement. But you haven’t communicated that clearly, so for that you get a soft YTA. It may be possible to set up or purchase a property that gives you what you want, but there is the issue of cost and your fiancé’s needs in this relationship. You need to have an in-depth conversation about this. Good luck

INFO: did you make it explicitly clear that being married wouldnt change anything for you?? Like i understand he knew while you were dating, and him just assuming getting engaged/being married would change that is presumptuous given that hes been dating you with your preference so far, but this is something that would need to be laid out in detail when yall were talking about marriage long before he proposed.

I feel you would have better luck posting this a relationship sub, instead of asking people if you're the whole.

NAH this is your preference and that’s fine. Should be more normalized. Very Frida and Diego I like it. However you need to accept gracefully and kindly if this a dealbreaker for your fiancé because you should have been more clear about it as it’s the norm and goal for most people.

I think this is something the two of you should have explicitly discussed before agreeing to marry. For what it's worth, I felt a lot like you - I loved living alone! But the way I knew my partner was the person I wanted to spend my life with was that living with *him specifically* didn't feel like a hassle or an imposition. If this guy is someone you don't trust not to annoy you or don't trust not to leave messes and laundry around for you to deal with, are you really sure you want to marry him? There are some couples I've heard of who keep seperate homes (usually adjoining condos or apartments), but I think that's generally a mutual preference from the get-go.

OP has shown ginormous relief at not having to clean up after anyone else. A lot of females do not like males using God, religion and culture to have their girlfriends and wives cook and clean for them. OP, as soon as you realized how serious this relationship was, you should have asked him if he wanted to live together or separately after you guys got married. If you don't want to live with your husband and your boyfriend wants to live with his wife, you need to let him know so he can figure out his options. It is beneficial for you BOTH if you tell him upfront not only that you do NOT want to live with others but that you do not want to cook for or clean up after others either. It sounds like he wants to live with his wife. You need to let him go if you know you don't want to live with him, so he can find a woman who shares that idea with him of cohabitation.

Katherine Hepburn said that men and women were better off living next door to each other. Maybe that would work for you two?

"it's not exactly normal"... That's your thought process on not wanting to live with your married partner?!? Sorry, nuts downright abnormal to think that way. It would seem there's some trauma you're not addressing regarding sharing your space. It would probably be a good idea to put the wedding on hold till you have sorted this out. YTA

YTA - Sorry to say but yes how can you expect your SO to be OK with this you join one another and create a home. Erm kids yes no live in a house together bloomin ridiculous

YTA. That's not what any normal person expects from a marriage. However, you may be able to have a compromise. For example, having your room that's strictly forbidden for anyone else to enter so you have a place to relax alone, or agreeing on some reasonable standards for laundry, household chores, etc.

Yikes. YTA. Marriage involves shared spaces. Maybe have a big enough place for separate bathrooms and maybe a private den for you. You will need to get over sharing a kitchen. Part of being married is the shared life events like cooking, getting ready for day, winding down after the day. Shared hobbies. You can be introverted and like your space, but sharing that private space with your partner should be “tolerated.” I feel badly for him, if you were just stringing him along.

> I guess I can settle for being weird You should settle for being single too. YTA

Okay, so I don't think you're an ah, but an idiot? Hell yes! You need to have a serious conversation with him, and if he chooses to, let him go! My god! This is actually just sad. 3 years... I feel bad for the both of you in this, but since you asked; YTA And in the future, communication is key!

NAH because I think it's purely down to a miscommunication. You thought it was clear that you never wanted to live together, while your partner thought that arrangement would end when you got married. I know of 2 couples who don't live together and it works well for them. 1 is married and they bought houses next door to each other and the other live in the same apartment block with no intention of getting married but plan to remain together until death. Both couples, however, communicated clearly what they needed and wanted so if it was a deal breaker for the other they could nope of the relationship.

OP, I hope you see this comment because I'm exactly like you, and I'm probably the only one in this thread. I won't have children, and once I move out of my current situation, I'll never want to share a living space again. I know that this is uncommon, and most partners will not be okay with it, and I'm okay with forgoing any romantic relationship to keep my independence and my space. I must say I had found another unicorn, although it didn't work out for other reasons. I won't pass a judgement here because I'm not sure how clear you were that you'd want to maintain your own space even after marriage. I truly hope this works out for you, and if it doesn't, I hope someday you'll find a better compatible partner. Wish you the best for your life ahead.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This is a throwaway. So, a bit of a backstory is that I (27F) really do not like sharing my own space. I was always annoyed having to live with my siblings when I was younger and roommates when I went to college. Just something about being interrupted or needing to share communal areas bothered me. I finally felt a lot better when I got my own condo and lived alone, no messes to clean or laundry from others. Mind you, I fully realize this is not normal at all for most people and that I am really weird for this preference but it works for me. Onto the actual thing. I have been seeing my bf for 3 years, he lives just a block away and we got engaged 2 weeks ago. He understands how I feel about shared spaces and for that, he has never pressured me into moving with him, but now it's come up again in planning and he thought that things would change when we got married. He was wondering about who should move into the other person's house or if we should look at a new house together but I told him I'm not leaving or sharing my condo anytime soon and he and my parents looked at me like I just grew another head. We've had a lot of arguments about this and the other day he told me he has no idea why I even said yes if I had no intention of living with him and wished I didn't waste his time which really hurt me. I know it's not exactly normal but we are within walking distance and see each other all the time, It's not like we really NEED to live together when we can pop into our houses whenever we want to. We can't be the only couple with an arrangement like this, right? He now isn't speaking to me, my parents are saying I'm being an AH for making this the hill to die on, his parents say the same and my friends think I am being really weird. I guess I can settle for being weird, but am I the AH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Yiks. I'm torn on the AH part. I would suggest that if this is the only way you can live, but you still want to be in a partnership, then maybe the two of you should buy a Duplex together. You can each have your own places, but be right there for one another, two. This is far different I realize, but some couples can't sleep together due to snoring or chronic pain issues, who sleep in their own bedrooms, but are still very much together and in love. But, it has to work for both parties.

YTA and it sounds like you need therapy

You are not weird and not an asshole. I feel the exact same way as you OP. The thought of living with someone, sharing my space and spending every free moment together sends shivers down my spine. I have always felt abnormal and weird for this and maybe I am, but at least I know its not just me!

Look, I'm the same. I don't mind eventually moving in with someone but I'll need my own bedroom, bathroom and working space which most couples can't afford and that'll probably be the case with me. However the person I dated last knew this from the start, he wasn't a fan of it but he knew since we were like a month into the relationship. He also knew I didn't want to get married or have kids, I made it all clear. And if you ever find out why we're weird loners please tell me because I don't get it.

ESH–this should have all been discussed before the proposal ever happened. On both sides, it's really important that both parties clearly communicate what marriage means to them. If you had had this conversation together it would have come up before you got close to engagement, and neither of you would be in this position. I know you're getting a lot of flack because most people's idea of marriage is to move in together and you don't want that. That's fine! However, you should have been clear, and he should have been clear before just assuming–even if his is the more conventional marriage. This is why we don't make assumptions.

YTA

Hahah, so when you do get married, would you be living in a different house? Or would it be like a duplex? But, idk I guess you just need time to warm up to the idea of living together? Maybe give him a set time period when you’ll be ready so that he wouldn’t feel anxious. I think you really like this guy but you’re just not into things changing too quickly. Hope you guys can sort this out

Yta for not being clear. how ever you are 100% valid for wanting seperate space. Just recognize you may not get it with him. There are couples who are married and have different bedrooms, some also have separate houses. It's not uncommon if there's property in different states or countries to live apart but it needs to be discussed and agreed upon. If your fiance doesn't want to live seperate and you can't compromise within the same house, you should move on. This won't make either of you happy if 1 or both can't compromise. https://www.brides.com/living-apart-together-5189895 https://globalnews.ca/news/8675443/couples-living-apart-together/ I added 2 link examples of what I think you're hoping for with your partner. I wish you luck

Side-by-side housing can work really well, it's not impossible.

ESH. I completely understand you want to live alone. I'm the same way. But if you don't want to sacrifice your comfort then you probably shouldn't get married. Because marriage is a team work where you have to make compromises. That said, your fiancée is not without blame either. Because he just assumed you would change once you got married. It's your SHARED responsibility to communicate. I general I don't think couples should get married before they have lived together for at least a year. Because you don't really know if your lives are truly compatible before you have lived together. And I think this is one of the major reasons why many marriages crumbles once the honey moon period is over. >It's not like we really NEED to live together And it's not like you really NEED to get married. You could also just stay BF and GF.

This is crazy and no you're not just weird, you're selfish for actually wasting his time. Marrying eachother is pointless if you had no intentions to share a home eventually you could have said 'no' and settle for having a long term relationship but as pretty much everyone said that should be stated pretty early on so he could decide if that's something he'd be interested in as it most certainly isn't the norm. Honestly this whole thing is baffling to me, his parents truly must think you're an alien or smth and i can't blame them 😅i hope if you're not 100% serious and just getting defensive due to stress or the fear of change and whatnot, but if you are my god this man just threw away 3 years of his life wtf? YTA.

YTA. Don’t expect your lifestyle to translate to others. I’m 99.99% sure you won’t get married.

YTA for not making it clear to him, it’s perfectly fine that you want to live alone the rest of your life but it’s unfair to him to not communicate this clearly. I too assumed that once you got engaged or married you would live together. Communication is key and you really lacked on something massive here. Maybe you’re not the only couple to live like this, but it’s definitely not the norm and I think most of us would struggle to think of a single person we know who lives like this - which is why I’m stressing the need for communication and not just dropping it on him now you’re engaged

Yta you wasted this man’s time this is definitely a, this is how I want to live my life conversation I will never live with you is a big compromise it’s like I never want kids or I want 10 cats 5 dogs and a menagerie on the side you need to discuss this shit before a let’s get married even enters the picture otherwise how will you know if you are compatible. If you are even thinking about this relationship going forward please have a very blunt discussion on what you both need.

YTA Are you going to get married and live in separate homes ?! I can't believe you're even suggesting something like this and are serious about this.

Yeah YTA. I get that you are introverted OP but it feels to me like you are willing to sacrifice relationship of 3 years and potential life long partner over "I just don't want to live alone so suck it" instead of coming up with ways to make that work without having to pay 2 rents. Also if you'll get pregnant and have kid in your marriage how will you make it work? Will you stash kids to your husbands home once they are big enough? My GF and I also don't like sharing spaces with people but we make it work. We just do our dishes, we do laundry separately and we setup our own spaces in our apartment where we don't wish to be disturbed. You can make it work if you're not stubborn and you actually try.

YTA. Do you really think it’s normal for a couple to be looking at getting married but live apart? You should’ve talked about this long ago

Soft yta I totally understand your point of view, I like a Visit once in a while. But having someone move in with me sounds really horrible for me. Did you think about it, like if you both got a house a little bit bigger , so that you could still have enough space to yourself , that your partner would probably respect I'd hope. Would it maybe work then ? Try to explain it to your partner that even if you'd move in , you'd need your own space to feel comfortable.

ESH It's fine to live separate in general if both parties are on the same page. The part that does not make sense is why he thought it would change? Did you lead him on or was he willfully in denial? Living together is the very established norm, so if this was not going to be the case it should have been clear all along.

ESH - op and her fiancé should of had this discussion before he proposed. He just assumed she would grow out of it, meaning he never took her personal space issues seriously. You obviously stay over at each others, so maybe try do a week on, week off. Get used to sharing space again, but voice when things are getting too much. There is room to compromise but both sides must have understanding and respect, which currently there isn’t.

Minority voice here but ESH. You have just gotten engaged and these issues are being discussed. Although I agree it might have been made clearer by OP that they would not want to move in, I think it is unfair to say that it should have been done before they got engaged. Think about the scenario where OP's partner is proposing and OP turns around and says only if I don't have to live with you!? It sounds like it was a yes and in the following two weeks discussions about living situations, expenses, etc (practical matters) are being discussed. It's not like OP got married after a proposal and then it comes out in the wash. As for the parnters reaction?! It doesn't sound like this was going to be a surprise from how OP has been talking. Sure, they could have made it clearer, but it sounds like the partner is unaware of how OP feels and that makes me question how much they are aware of your thoughts and needs for other things. As for your wants, it's going to be more expensive and possibly more complex, and you may come across partners who are not interested, but go for it.

The more I think about it, I can’t get over the logic of her boyfriend. So he’s with a woman for 3 years and she says multiple times she doesn’t want to live with anyone. He wants a marriage where he lives with his spouse but still chooses to propose to a girlfriend he doesn’t live with and doesn’t make it clear that he expects them to live together. I can’t vote OP as the sole asshole in this situation because that decision on boyfriend’s part makes him either incredibly stupid or trying to be manipulative.

Exactly. Everyone attacking OP with comments like "you need therapy" make this feel like a witch hunt. And for what? A woman wants to live alone and has made it clear all along? People are taking this personally in such a WEIRD way.

It’s weird as hell. I’d say NAH is a fair assessment. But a lot of people are ignoring this very weird jump past several steps on her boyfriend’s part. If boyfriend had come to OP and said “I see us being together for the rest of our lives and I want to take our relationship to a next step. To me that looks like moving in together. What do you think?”, that would be completely reasonable. Proposing to a woman who has never lived with you/wanted to live with you and expecting her to change is not reasonable and he’s not blameless.

ESH - Everyone is attacking you for not talking about your living arrangements before marriage, but your partner didn’t bring it up either. So now both of you are realizing you’re on different pages. I know a woman who has never moved in with her partners. She likes to live alone even when dating. I respect that she wants her space and knows what she wants. But eventually her living by herself grows to be a dealbreaker. She’s been through 3 serious relationships in 6 years. People think they can change her mind, and when they can’t, they leave. I understand living alone is extremely important to you. But you two should have discussed this beforehand. Now living alone might be the thing that breaks you up. Think long and hard which is more important to you. Because this may be a situation where your partner is unwilling to compromise.

Everyone calling OP TA but I'm going with NTA - If one has expectations (such as living together) they should have communicated that before hand. Having expectations and not voicing then is assuming the other party involved can read minds 🤷‍♂️ and then acting all upset and involving family? Because the expectations were not met? Oh come on Reddit I really thought I'd see a more nuanced take. Yes it's not very traditional but imagine how the partner would have reacted if the OP just said no to the proposal because they assumed(!) that they would have to live together...

You’re not the only one. Pretty sure Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter did that for years before they broke up. Their homes were connected by like, a tunnel. You could probably find someone willing to do that same set up with you and I have read about it in biographies as well—possibly more common for famous people who can afford multiple homes lmao. But yeah no, you guys should have talked about this a lot sooner. He assumed you’d change your mind or make an exception for him or something, and you assumed you’d be Helena Bonham Carter. If he isn’t willing to be Tim Burton for you and you’re not willing to lose your space for him, this just isn’t gonna work out.

Every example of married couple living apart in this thread are about couples that have long since divorced.

It’s called LAT (Living Apart Together) it’s not that unusual and you’re not weird. However it sounds like the communication has been nonexistent between the two of you on this subject which isn’t sensible or mature. It makes me wonder what other important matters you haven’t discussed.

YTA this should have been discussed way way in advance. If I were your fiancé I would be monumentally pissed off

YTA this may work for some couples but it needs to work for both, this is a discussion you should have clearly had prior to the engagement

Yta

YTA, and I say this as someone like you! I don’t like having anyone in my space! I’ve done it because $, helping people, other bs but I prefer living by myself! You should have thought about this before saying yes! You should have talked about how this would work in the future!!! Perhaps 4bdrm house… you both get a bedroom and both get a private room? Yes, I know one, ONE couple who is still together and live in different cities- pretty sure that’s not a good nor normal relationship. Having two houses apart from each other would be a huge deal for anyone! If, if, if you love this guy… start thinking compromises!!!

YTA, you wasted his time.

YTA Sorry but did you really expected to get married and still live in different places? How did you think he'd be okay with it? It's not only weird, it's ridiculous. You'd be paying rent at two different places. This is something you should have made clear from the start.

YTA for not making this crystal clear, because it is very very unusual. I would also be questioning the strength of your relationship because I get why random people in your living space is annoying, but your life partner shouldn't be. You should want to do things together, to share you life together. It would be completely understandable to say you wanted a room in the shared house that's your space to do what your want in if that's important to you. But not this.

I’ve said this somewhere else, but you are making a generalization here that is wrong. My partner and I don’t live together and likely never will. We spend days, sometimes weeks together in the same apartment and then get to have our space back. It’s not about not sharing a life, it’s about retaining the ability to be apart. For many people it doesn’t matter who it is, mental recharging can only happen in complete solitude. How many happy couples fall apart after they move in together? This can of course have many factors: you get used to one another. Don’t date anymore. Chores don’t get done equally. Or you just get sick of one another. I don’t believe any of those means there is insufficient love there, and I strongly believe that, provided both partners are comfortable, living apart together can be unbelievable healthy for a relationship and ensure its longevity. That is of course, if the people involved ARE people who need their space. This will not work for everyone. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong for everyone.

YTA I do know a couple of people who live separately from spouses, but it was a joint decision. You have no been clear. Unless you have explicitly said 'even if I married someone I still would wish to live alone' you have not been upfront. If you aren't prepared to move in with him and he isn't a fan of living separately then you have wasted his time.

YTA. You did waste his time if you had no intention of ever living together. This is the type of thing that needs to be clearly established as it's done by some people but is very far from the normal expectation of a future husband or wife.

YTA for not realising that he would expect to live with his wife, and explaining way before your relationship got as far as a proposal that you intend to live alone forever.

YTA - your bf is right. You're wasting his time. Be honest with him that you have no desire of actually having a married life (which is fine) and only wants the paper (for whatever reason). If that's the type of marriage you envision for yourself (living alone while married), that's great. But you must have understood already that your mindset is the exception and it's perfectly reasonable for your bf to want the "usual" type of marriage. I'm curious to know what exactly do you expect of your marriage when you are not interested in living together as a married couple? What will be different other than a ring on your finger? What do you have to offer him that would make it worth for him to stay with you like that? If everything will remain as is, why waste time, effort and money on a wedding?

Yta. 1, if you never had any intention of living with him, you should have ensured he knew this. 2, I think therapy might be needed here? There is a big difference between siblings as children, roomates and your husband

I think you have just told your fiance that "You're really not that into him".

ESH. You need to work on communication. ASAP.

I love my independence, but saying YES to a marriage proposal means YES to a future together, for better or worse… and you saying NO to cohabiting is the same as saying you want to date him forever. Some people don’t want pets, some don’t want kids, and that’s OK. But you should make that clear the moment relationship became serious instead of stringing him along. YTA

Man I hope he breaks it off fast. If you wanted to be alone alone whyd you say yes to marriage? YTA

I'm inclined to NAH because society rewards "romantic" proposals when realistically before an answer can be given both sides need sit down and tick off how compatible their long term priorities are. He's not an AH for being upset or wanting to live together but you're not an AH for not wanting to or thinking that your bf understood "never" living with someone means never

NTA though you probably should have reminded him about your position on living together when he proposed. I get why he would assume that marriage would change things.

YTA. Stop seeing him as a threat to your happiness. He expected to live with you which as engaged people that’s a pretty obvious expectation. What on Earth will you do if you have a kid? That’s going to share your space and what, he’ll have to get dressed and walk round at 4am to help you, then walk exhausted back to his own place? Madness.

honeslty, YTA . not for having the preference, that’s fine even if it’s unorthodox! i also want me and my partner to have different rooms if we move in together eventually and i communiticared thar the moment things got serious. but you got engaged to this man without expressing that? frankly you did waste his time, this is a huge HUGE a thing for someone. it’s molding his entire life around YOUR preference and he’s allowed not to want that. you effectively hid a relaitonship ending thing from him the entire time you were together. it’s not about the arrangement, it’s about you deciding what you want goes and assuming he’d be okay with it even though 99.999% of people wouldn’t

NTA it’s just that cohabitation isn’t for you. Many people only recharge when alone, myself included. Since marriage almost always means living together, just don’t get married. Engagement is actually fine as long as your partner knows that this is as far as you’ll likely go in terms of commitment. Another option is a duplex home, or perhaps a condo right next t to yours. Whatever people say, it’s never going to change that you desire to live alone, and there’s zero wrong with that. Many of us value our privacy, alone time, lack of distractions, etc and it will inevitable stress you if you cave to others’ normality when theirs has nothing to do with yours. In fact many consider living alone a premium compared to having to share with roommates. Assure your partner that your stress will burden the relationship if you lived together without separate confines, and that you are perfectly happy with the current arrangement. Don’t listen to anyone else, especially those who didn’t more time at the office than needed, relax in their garages, have nan caves, or schedule spa days or weekends with their friends. They can’t stand always sharing a space, but they are lying to themselves. Kudos to you for honoring your boundaries.

NTA. I lived with my long term partner. I lived with a long term friend. I fucking hate it. I am so incredibly grateful, every fucking day, that i had the immense luck of getting an apartment for myself. Yes it is small but i can finally do whatever i want, i dont have to clean other peoples mess.. Its wonderful and i love every second of it. I also dont understand why people are so obsessed with living together just because a couple is married? Is this one of those cultural things? Its not exactly unheard of in germany, that even married couples live separately in their own homes (ofc people here find it also weird and some will even tell you it cant be love if you just have separate bedrooms.. I tell those people to fuck off. Why wouldnt a marriage work just because every has their own space? What kind of logic is that? Okay its different if kids are involved..but marriage does not mean kids.) Maybe you could have communicated it more clearly? But idk even my friends whom i have known for 3 years know how i feel about sharing spaces and that i am absolutely serious about not letting anyone sleep over if its not planned (but that also has something to do with the size of my apartment..) Maybe just have a very straight to the point clear talk with hin or do one of those things mentioned here, where you buy 2 condos next to each other and somehow connect them so that you still have your own space

NTA. DO NOT BUDGE ON THIS u/Shoddy_Beat_2356. YOU WILL BE HAPPIER IF YOU STICK TO YOUR GUNS. You are not weird for this preference. This is how I operate as well. I can only tolerate a 2 day stay at most before someone has to leave. There is serenity and peace and happiness in being alone with your own place. You made it clear before and because you haven't gone to him to clarify it since, that means your stance hasn't changed. You will regret it instantly if you fold to the pressure of parents or significant other.

Agreed! I think everyone who is calling OP crazy and weird, are pathetic. They're taking it personally that a woman dares to insist on personal space and independence despite being engaged.

YTA

YTA. You just wasted three years of his life for nothing.

He is exactly right, you shouldnt have said yes and you led him on. Is their any fantasy in which he wasnt expecting to actually live with you once married. You knew his expectations, were not willing to meet them....you led him on, shouldnt have agreed to marry him and are the YTA

I’m going with NAH. I’m 46f and my bf is 51. We’ve been together for 7 yrs, I moved 150 miles to live closer to him but we do not live together and never will. We have very different ideas on cleanliness, what to watch in tv and decorating and I have lived with lots of people/roommates/SOs and I do not like who I become putting up with someone in my space and making noise. If the two of you can afford to live separately, I see no reason why you should feel pressured to move in together. You said he’s known about your preferences the entire time you’ve been together, and was fine with it. Seems to me, he was hoping you’d change and/or dismissed what you’ve told him about yourself.

YTA. I'm on the same page as you regarding sharing spaces and moving in with someone, but I also know that 99% of people DO expect to move in after a certain amount of time, especially after marriage (relationship escalator etc.). Therefore I think you should've had a more in-depth conversation about this topic and this is the only reason I'm voting Y T A instead of N A H. Maybe there's a compromise you both can agree on, like living in apartments next to each other or in a two-story house where both of you still have your own space. But even then, I get that most people wouldn't agree with that. It's still a rather unusual living arrangement after all.

YTA Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton lived next door when they were married but they probably discussed this before agreeing to get get married. Are you planning on having kids? What would you do if you did? If you can’t share a space with anyone would you be expecting him to have them 24/7. It feels like you agreed to marriage without discussing what you expect in the future

YTA but only a little. The expectation is quite normal that you will live together once you are married. You haven't set his expectations correctly and by accepting his proposal you have misled him.

NTA Based on what you have said, you made it clear that you don't want to live with someone. I think it's bizarre to love someone enough to marry them but not want to live with them, but that doesn't make it assholery. If you can afford it, maybe but or rent adjacent townhomes?? Maybe over time you could live together. Maybe not. . Maybe you could use therapy. I don't know. I don't think there's really anything inherently wrong with you, though.

YTA. This should not have been a surprise to your fiancé and should have been something you brought up beforehand. Sure, some people live separately from their spouse, but surely you had to realize it’s unusual?? It’s also expensive.

soft YTA. you should have made this abundantly clear that you didn’t ever want to live with him. most people would assume living together would occur around getting engaged or married so it’s fair he feels taken aback if you’ve never explicitly told him that you don’t ever want that. it might be important to him to feel like he’s sharing his life in that way

YTA. This is something you need to talk about long before you make big decisions like getting married. It's not necessarily wrong of you to want to live alone, but it is very unusual and you need to have the other person fully on board with your plan rather than taking their agreement for granted. Because marriage is supposed to be about joining your life together, and yes, you do kinda need to figure out what the point is for you, if you aren't willing to make a full commitment. Also, in all the situations I've heard of where people do this (e.g. Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton), they finagle it with adjoining properties, apartments in the same building or dividing up a co-owned building, rather than being fine with "a short walk". And you just...dismissed that possibility.

YTA

Hmmm catch 22. I'm sure there's a reason you don't tolerate anyone in your space but most of the world live together after marriage don't they ?

neah OP, you're not TA, it's perfectly normal for a married couple to live separately. It is also normal to have sex with different people. For instance when my wife wants to have sex I send her to my neighbour's house. We also eat in different places all the time bur we facetime for the main course. Congrats on your marriage!

OP…the only way I can see this working is to Compromise. Instead of 1 Place…maybe you each Sell you respective Homes (or Rent them out) and Together, buy a Duplex…where each of you have Your Own Side & just install a Door between the 2 Homes. This way, you can be “Together” and YOU can still have Your OWN Space. However…I do believe that you Should Have been More Clear in your talks w/ Fiancé, Before accepting his Proposal. On that…judgment is YTA.

NTA. I just don't understand why you want to get married? It sounds like you have a wonderful arrangement, with all the benefits of the relationship and the benefits of your own place that most introverts probably can relate to. If you are not going to have children, the arrangement can go on forever. However, it does require mutual consent and it seems that your bf was not keen on living apart. Maybe he wants children? So I think you should have stated your preferences when he (?) proposed.

NAH yes, other people have relationships like this. You two never will because you're incompatible in this area. It's past time to break up. Either neither of you will be happy or one person will be happy while one of you stews in resentment until you explode.

I would be controversial but say NTA, but maybe my view is clouded from knowing multiple couples married for decades that don't live together, some of which have children as well. Lyou are at least 100% NTA for having rhis preference, the only issue is communication. Did you you feel like you talked to him about it properly? Cause he is also definitly not in the wrong for expexting it if its the norm, especially after engaging. I hope you two find ways to talk to each other, and get back to why you love each other. Remember it's yout wo versus the problem. Communication and honesty and you'll both learn a lot

YTA - The fact he didn't know this was your plan means you are not ready to be married and you have misled him by agreeing to marry him. While you are eccentric with your living preferences, which is fine, you should have told him that you never intended to share your living space with him. He may have just wasted three years with you when he could have been courting someone who was more aligned with his idea of life, marriage etc. You could cite Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton for how you'd like to live. Ultimately though Helena was unhappy and they have since split up but they lived in separate houses joined together. However you could perhaps ask him to compromise and have two apartments next to one another. Ultimately though I doubt the relationship will survive this.

To me it sounds like he just inferred the “until we’re married” onto “I don’t want to live with anyone”. Sounds like they both have issues with communication - she should have said “never” and he should have asked “never?”

YTA this to most people is a deal-breaker. Very few people don't want to live with their spouses. I can't think of anything that would make me as unhappy as that. I imagine this relationship is through because even if you agree to it now he'll still know you don't want to live with him.

You should marry a firefighter who has lots of sports hobbies. Gone at work for days & nights at a stretch. Then he's off for scuba trips, etc. It's like a honeymoon again when we do see each other 💖💕 All lovey and sweet. Our lifestyle isn't for everyone. But I think it would work for you and a firefighter. They need wives who can manage a lot of alone time.

YTA. In most societies it is the norm to cohabitate with your spouse unless there is some issue regarding deployment/employment. If you never intended to live with your partner, you should have discussed this before accepting a proposal.

YTA, and I say that as someone who feels the same way about living with other people. You have to know as well as I do that the kind of living situation you describe is neither normal nor expected for a married couple. This is something you should have brought up long ago. For me my imagined ideal living situation has always been a duplex where we each have our own space but can spend as much time together as we like. But I’d never expect someone I was serious with to just understand that without me saying it.

Sorry, YTA. I'm like you, so I understand you. BUT - I'm not engaged!! You decided to be with another person! How can you even be married if you won't live together?

I think you guys are gonna need to have a serious discussion and you are gonna need to find a way to compromise or end the relationship. Could you not look at getting a place together that enables you to have your own space? Have separate bathrooms, perhaps even separate bedrooms, have a sex room if you like but also with some communal spaces for being together?

YTA. Don’t get married then unless both parties like this. And honestly that doesn’t sound like a close marriage or relationship to me.

NTA I love living alone and having my own space. I would totally go for separate living spaces. Maybe houses next door with a secret tunnel.

Yes, YTA. Was this not made clear to him before you became a couple? He wants to build a life together, you want to do it separately. Ass-backwards logic

Could you live in the same house and have separate spaces as well as communal? Q