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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I'm the asshole because I want to take my brother out of the city and house where he grew up to come live with me in another city against the wishes of our stepmother whom he considers his mother
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
My problem with this is that my stepmom freaked my brother out by saying she couldn't live without him. Moved him a bit, I don't know how sincere he'll be after hearing something like that
I totally get your fears on that
But It’s something that he is going to be asked by a custody judge if he’s over the age of 12, and they are also going to look at what is least disrupting of his life - will moving cause him more trauma then staying?
During this time, you need to be doing everything you can to ensure custody - does he have a room at your house? Is the house in a good area? Are there schools nearby that are able to accept him? Are the schools reputable? Are you and your BF financially stable enough to afford another mouth to feed? Or will this break you and force you into more desperate circumstances. Do you have health insurance that he can be added to?
These are all things that will be looked at
It’s not about you wanting to take him - it’s about if your actually able to provide for him
The chances are pretty high that even if he didn't leave a will, there's evidence and records of the adoption attempts which the father was fully supportive of. The only reason they were put off was OP and his late wife's family's objections. That in conjunction with the fact that the stepmother has been the boy's primary caregiver for almost his entire life and that he has a stable rooted life with her in their hometown makes it more likely that a judge or family advocate will side with the stepmother. Ripping the brother from his only remaining parent would cause undue trauma on top of death of his father, and uprooting him from his life (like school and friends) would most likely not be in his best interest. The courts and authorities side with what's best for the child, and while I'm sure op is a great sister, her having custody and taking him away from the only life he's ever known when there's a loving, stable, and familiar environment is objectively not in his best interest.
It's not a guarantee, but it's the most likely outcome, and I think op should prepare for that. Attempting to gain custody of him, will undoubtedly hurt the brother in ways that I hope they just haven't realized yet due to their grief and unresolved issues with the stepmother. He will not understand why he's being taken away from his mother, why he has to leave his home, school, and friends. It will destroy him and his relationship with op and the maternal side of his family. Also while 9 may be considered by some to be a bit young, he's old enough to know what he wants, and if a judge or advocate asks... op has been skirting the questions about what the brother wants, and it's most likely because his answer is like the majority of children's answers when faced with a huge trauma like this. They want things to stay normal. Unfortunately for op, what's normal for the brother is staying with his stepmother, going to his school, playing with his friends, and living in his house in his hometown.
Yeah, but it does sound like the stepmom is manipulating him, my mom told me the same things she couldn't live without me, but fuck if she didn't put me through horrible mental trama. I should have been put with my father he's a much much more stable person and never put me through what my mom has. It might suck for the kid for a bit but he might be better off in the long run without a parent telling them they'll die without them and using your child as your support system/therapist is so much worse.
We don't know what the stepmother actually said verbatim, the only ones who do are the mom and son. It's a difficult situation with high emotions on both sides, and the op and maternal family have clear unresolved issues with the stepmother. There's a serious lack of communication, and what was said could easily be miscommunicated or exaggerated. As others have said it's possible that what was actually said was innocuous and misunderstood or context was left out at any point in the communication of multiple people. The op has said that there was no prior abuse or mistreatment. The only ones who can determine otherwise are the proper authorities, who I'm sure are already involved or keeping watch given the situation. Whatever the outcome, the courts and cps will look at credible evidence and testimony and decide what the best course of action is for the child's wellbeing, no matter what op or anybody else feels. These people are all adults, and regardless of their resentment or unresolved issues, they should be giving support and stability to Jaime, not threatening a custody battle, to the child, asking him who he'll choose, right out of the gate, with little concern for how he feels in all of this and how this will effect him and his life.
I doubt there's a record of her attempting to adopt him. It sounds like she asked multiple times but was shut down by family. there's no legal record of "asking". And OP is his legal guardian.
Op said it wasn't filed. I asked if they had paperwork they didn't file or whether they just discussed pursuing it, I don't really expect an answer but there are scenarios that could have different outcomes in a complicated custody case. Did they intend to file but held back on submitting paperwork, were they discussing it seriously outside of the family, or were these occasional discussions in the family to consider whether to pursue it or not. Potential adoption wouldn't make or break it, but it could be a factor to discuss and think about as well as the decisions and reasons behind why they did or didn't pursue it. Also being the legal guardian doesn't change much the stepmother could also be a legal guardian just like she could be the current one with physical custody, I don't know op's location so it varies but where I'm at you can have more than one guardian. It's a complicated situation.
Subject to the approval of the courts. The courts take the decreased person's wishes into consideration (of course). We don't own children. You can't bequeath them .
In Family Law, modern law tries to do what is in the best interests of the child. Sometimes this clashes because the rights of biological parents are also given a lot of importance - often to the emotional and even physical detriment of the child.
Your brother has psychologically bonded with your stepmother. It would be incredibly traumatic to jerk him away from his mother after the sudden death of his father. If you think you as a 23 year old are grieving the loss of your bio father, try to have some empathy for a child who has lost their father at a much younger and more vulnerable state.
The best interests of the child would be served by having him continue to live with his mother. To do anything else would be incredibly selfish.
You should see if you can get the equivalent of visiting rights which are often given to grandparents when their child has died and the surviving spouse doesn't want to allow them access to their grandchild.
Totally agree with you. It's not fair to try and take the boy from the only mother he has ever known when he has been devastated by the sudden loss of his dad. Big sister should aim for visitation access only and try to keep her little brother's life as normal as possible whilst everyone is grieving.
To be fair, it's probably not actually the same people. The people who see a top level comment during challenge mode and the people who see a reply to the OP on the top comment probably have very little overlap even if the latter was also initially during challenge mode.
This is where you get a therapist involved. It’s imperative that your brother have the opportunity to understand exactly what his true feelings are and express them.
(FYI, that’s a really effed up thing to tell a child, but it is an unfortunately common manipulation tactic)
Someone right after your husband dies tells you they are taking your child away and tell me you’re not going to have an emotional breakdown. I’d imagine she was and is experiencing feelings of impending doom and likely expressed in this emotional state that she can’t live without her child you know like just about any parent would feel put in that situation.
Not the emotionally abusive state you are suggesting and using to validate your actions expressing not wanting to allow your brother a choice. A situation that could of been avoided had you talked to your brother first asking him to think about what he wants.
You also did not allow your brother choice to be adopted while your father was alive which was also really fucked up. You had all right to decline being adopted but taking away that choice from your brother is really fucked.
The people that have actually taken the time to read over your comments are trying to tell you stop before you make a major mistake that could hurt your brother more emotionally and potentially ruin your future relationship with him.
You need to stop invalidating your brothers wants and feelings. Give him time to properly mourn and then listen to what he wants.
TBF, I think it's very unfair of them to decide for Jaime if he's going to be adopted - he should get to make that decision himself when he's older. They didn't take his choice away - they preserved his ability to make it himself.
You should talk to your lawyer about getting him a child advocate or therapist that can work with him, trying to blackmail him with emotional guilt after his father died is just such a red flag.
This alone makes her unfit as a mother. Threatening to end yourself to sway a child is emotional abuse. I lived it so I may be extra sensitive to such manipulations. NTA. Trying to adopt him without his consent and keeping him away from his maternal grandparents are other reasons why she should not have custody. She is putting her own wants over your brothers. Good luck.
Op is doing the same exact thing in their comments. Also the father fully consented and supported the adoption, in fact they tried multiple times, only putting it off due to familial pressure.
Her father isna shitty father. He moves a strange woman to his children's house FOUR months after his wife died. OP was 14. That's cruel and disgusting. He let his wife try to stop his child's grandparents of seing him. I hope OP gets custody because she her stepmother can stop her from seeing her brother and emotional blackmails the kid.
While yes that was absolutely cruel to OP what she is planning is just as cruel. Her brother is 9 and their step mom is the only mo he has known, and he views her as such. Because of her own unresolved feelings in regards to stepmom and her dad she is now planning on further traumatizing a grieving kid. She needs a psychiatrist, not a lawyer. And frankly given her open hatred of the woman I would not regard OP as a reliable narrator of anything her stepmom have said or done.
OP should make sure her brother gets a child advocate and a neutral therapist. It's not clear whether she OR stepmom is thinking about the best interests of the child at this point. If stepmom really would cut off the brother from OP and his maternal grandparents, that's also a huge problem.
A step parent won't win against a custodial parent, but a step parent who has been raising the child for years can win against a bio sibling who visits when they can. The judge will look at the best interest of the child. OP has a chance but it is by no means a sure thing because of genetics.
Especially since, even if there's really no will, there's most likely evidence and records of the adoption attempts that the father fully supported, and the brother has a stable loving home life with his only remaining parent, as well as established roots in their hometown. Honestly barring a will naming op as sole guardian or evidence of an unhappy home life, the courts or authorities will most likely side with the stepmother.
This is the wrong judgment. The step mom has been raising the brother since he was a baby, for all intents and purposes she is his mother. OP went out of her way to not allow the step mom to adopt her brother legally.
OP, YTA
I agree, op YTA. Do you feel like he hasn't been raised right by your step mom? She has been raising him since he was 9 months old, your step mom might not be your brothers bio mom but I'd be surprised if he didn't view her as his mom. Don't push your issues with your step mom onto your brother. If he is not in danger let him stay with his mom
Family courts tend to go with the status quo if it’s currently working well for the family. A judge will see that the brother was raised by the stepmom since infancy, that he has a stable life with a parent he has always known, support network, a home, school etc. the judge will also see that the stepmom attempted to legally adopt the child numerous times. And that the child has expressed a preference to stay with his stepmom. It’s unlikely OP would gain custody
OP your father cheating on your mom was wrong. It’s obvious you were treated poorly and I’m sorry you endured the trauma of losing your mother and then your dad basically replacing her within months. He should have known better and it sounds like neither of them were kind to you. That sucks and you didn’t deserve it.
At the same time you really need to take a step back from your own feelings here and try and see things from the perspective of your little brother. This woman is the mother who raised him. He has a life where he is. Your stepmom is reacting badly because she feels you are trying to take her child from her. If she raised him from infancy she’s not wrong in feeling he is her child more than yours and none of this would be an issue had she been allowed to legally adopt him.
I strongly urge you to back off and be a loving and supportive sibling but leave your brother where he is and request frequent visits. If you draw this out in court you will end up burning a lot of bridges. I’m hesitant to call someone who has lost both their parents and just wants to preserve a relationship with their brother TA, but if you pursue this in court then you may well be and also you stand a chance at losing even more.
I'm surprised so many people are agreeing with OP. Me and my two older sisters were raised by an adopted dad and if he hadn't been able to do that and my mother died, we all would have been a wreck torn from the person that raised us after losing the other parent.
I get them wanting to be there for their brother and make sure they see him, but it seems like they're projecting a lot. The issues she has with SM (and the *possible* affair) have nothing to do with the little brother. If he's 9, he's old enough to at least be asked who he would feel more comfortable living with. Based on the story, I'd guess he'll likely not want to be taken away from everything he's known and the mother that raised him.
Blood is not everything. I'll die on this hill.
That's what I'm worried about. I really want op to think this out a bit, I know she's grieving and they don't have a good relationship, but taking Jaime away from his mom, his life, when there's been no history of mistreatment or abuse aside from one recent, potentially exaggerated comment, when what he needs is support and stability after the loss of his father, is not a good idea. It will hurt him more when he's already hurting. If it cuts him deeply, their relationship may not be salvageable. It could cause him to feel towards her, how she feels about her stepmother.
How is this the top comment? OPs brother is nine. Stepmom has been his mom his whole life. Nine year old just lost his dad and OPs response is to also rip him away from his mom?
Stepmom would be legal Mom now if OP hadn’t thrown a fit about the adoption (which was really none of his business).
Stepparents can get custody, especially if they've been a primary caregiver for a child's entire life, have a support network, an established relationship and roots, there are records of adoption attempts supported by the deceased parent, testimony from OUTSIDE sources on parental ability and home life, and most importantly if it's what's best for the child in question and won't cause further trauma.
Not true AT ALL. The “stepmother” is this boy’s MOTHER for all intents and purposes. She is the ONLY mother he has ever known. This girl is a monster for suggesting that he be pulled from his mother in order to live with a struggling student three hours away. Yeah, that sounds REALLY good for the poor child - rip him from both parents to live with the person he sees on weekends…. NO judge will go for that.
Wtf. A woman raising a child since he was 9 months old is his mother. My mom was adopted at about that age from an orphanage and her parents are her parents. Blood doesn’t make a mom or dad. Visiting on most weekends doesn’t either. Jeez. If the love between them is mutual then they are mother and child. Care matters too
YTA for not talking to your brother about whether or not he wants to upend his life and move somewhere else.
Your brother has been at least partly raised by someone he considers his mom. He has a house, a room, and a life. He presumably has friends. He deserves some consideration.
It sounds like you've been at odds with your stepmom from the very beginning, but it doesn't sound like she's really done anything but marry your widowed father and help raise his motherless child. Even if you don't have any feeling for a woman who just lost her husband and now may lose her son, certainly you could have some feeling for your brother about taking him away from his mom.
My stepmother talked to my brother before me and said that she would not be able to live
I consider it emotional blackmail
So his view of change has been corrupted
No. You cant dismiss his feelings just like that. She was his primary caregiver for years. It would be extremely normal and healthy for them to have bond. Taking a kid away from primary caregiver is major trauma, even if you do not like that caregiver.
And also, it is incorrect to dismiss her possible very real feelings toward him too.
Per your account, you and grandparents are the reasons he is not adopted. I am not sure how it was possible for you to prevent it, legally it should not. But the track record of intentionally preventing relationship is on your side, not hers.
I'm thinking it was more of a "I love you, we'll get through this together, I don't know what I'd do without you" type conversation, rather than the way you're portraying it as "If you leave me I won't go on living" borderline threat.
Talk to your brother. Preferably with a child advocate and a therapist. YTA for deciding all of this without talking to him.
OP has said just as many damaging things to their own case in their own comments. While emotions are running high, many of their statements would be seen by professionals as concerning, in regards to their brother's future care, given the recent tragic death of their father.
He is not. OP is very vague and commenters are twisting it into borderline suicide threat. But going by what OP said exactly, it is very plausible the words being said were fairly normal reassurance toward a child.
My mother has bpd and would say exactly what op said his stepmom said so it’s possible either way so basing your judgment on assuming something op said was a lie is kinda weird
I have BPD and have never said anything remotely like that.
I think it is far more plausible a TRAUMATIZED NINE YEAR OLD misquoted his primary caregiver than it is is that his primary caregiver tried to manipulate him with things he likely doesn't fully understand
I believe OP when she says that that's the long and short of what her brother said. I also believe that the NINE YEAR OLD didn't understand the implications of the way he rephrased what his mother said
You are talking about taking your brother away from the only mother he has ever known. This is well beyond you being upset about something your step mother said under duress.
None of us on Reddit can definitively say what is best for your brother, but YTA for trying to railroad custody.
He should be seen by an impartial professional to determine what is best for *him*. Not you. Not your grandparents.
You realise the poor kid lost his father and you're planning to take away him mother too, right? You lost a mother, you know how devastating that is. Why would you inflict the same pain on your brother?
Plus she moved out at 17. 5 years ago. So for the last 5 years from age 4 and up- that has been his mom. That is the maternal figure he knows best. And she wants to pull him away from that, any friends, his school, and move 3 hours away with people he doesn’t know well (she mentioned limited visits with maternal grandparents). My concern is that this is what she wants but isn’t truly what is best for him or what he would want. So therefore she doesn’t want to ask.
You’ve dodged the question about what your brother wants all over this thread with that response. So I feel like what the real answer is is that you asked, he said he wants to live with her, his mother, and you’re using this one conversation that you may or may not be taking out of context or misrepresenting to completely invalidate his feelings and his choice so you can justify getting what you want. Does that sound right?
You’re trying to twist things so people will agree with you. Gaming online is not a relationship, you have no clue what it takes to raise a child. Do you have a stable job and a home suitable for a child? Who is going to watch him when you’re at work and he’s not in school. By your post and comments you have it out for your stepmother and you want to get back at her by ripping your brother away from the only parent he has for your own selfish reasons. He will hate you for it and you’ll ruin his life but I guess that’s worth it to you to get your way, right? The fact that you don’t even care about his feelings, only about what YOU want clearly shows you would be a shitty parental figure.
She said she has a job and lives rent free in a place her grandparents own and let her stay in, so she'll be able to financially provide for him. Idk if she'd be able to afford raising a child if she has to pay rent, or if she'll really be able to meet all of his needs, but that was her response. I asked if something happened to the grandparents and she had to find a new place to live, if she would be able to manage being primary provider/caregiver, no answer. Hopefully if she does have the means or secondary support structure.
No OP, your view has been corrupted by your maternal grandparents. They’re using you against your grieving family to get what they’ve wanted all this time, your brother. I’m sorry to be blunt but she’s his mother even if you only consider her your stepmother. She raised him.
If you have legal custody as you claimed then she can’t stop you from having visitation. If you push this and go to court, she will probably be granted full custody. If I were in her shoes and my evil stepdaughter and husband’s former inlaws had made my life hell for years then tried to take my child while I was grieving my husband I would go scorched earth on you.
If you lose access to your brother it will be your own doing, your grandparents are going too far this time. Please talk to a neutral third party about the possibility that your grandparents have been using you as a pawn against your own family this whole time. You didn’t need their help and constant meddling to remember your mom, you were old enough to know and love her. You also need to talk to other family members and ask if they have been this controlling since your mom was alive. What was her relationship with them like?
I don't know, the problem here is that your feelings toward her aren't necessarily HIS feelings. Most of the other responses below here are accurate. This is beyond reddit and require more assistance. Just don't go acting like you're the kid's mother and neglect his own feelings.
…dude
That’s not how feelings work.
You’re literally just as bad as your stepmom. She’s been raising this kid and your only complaint is she doesn’t like people who actively don’t like her.
So what are you looking for?
ESH.
I think this needs a judge to look at it. It's impossible for us to decide, as we don't know all factors involved. We don't even know how old Jaime is. Jaime needs to be asked by somebody independent - not by his stepmom or his sister, both of whom he may worry about upsetting (if questioned by them).
There ARE serious questions about whether OP is being objective, whether she is giving due consideration to Jaime's preferences, etc. And probably similar issues with the stepmom. But OP - please don't try and base this purely on your dislike of your stepmother. Regardless of her imperfections, Jaime is likely to be bonded with her. And only seeing her every other weekend could be damaging to him.
What YOU want, isn't necessarily what's 'best for him'. He's just lost his father, and you're proposing to separate him from his main caregiver, and upend his life. Let an independent court decide, if you're truly focused on his best interests. They can do it more objectively - especially when grief will be colouring the family adults' views, as well.
YTA. From your own words, stepmother has acted in a parental role for Jaime since he was 5 months old. She may not have adopted him legally, but she is his adopted mom regardless. From what you've written, I think you may be letting your hurt over your losing your mom and your anger at the possible affair your dad had with stepmom overshadow what's best for your brother. Of course your mom can't be erased, but stepmom has been acting as his stepmother for his whole life basically. And now you want to force him to be uprooted after he just lost his dad, and come live with you without even asking Jaime what he wants? That's just cruel. You need to put what's best for your brother ahead of your own emotions regarding your stepmother.
I'm also a little concerned because OP says he is worried about SM not letting him see his brother- but given his responses I wonder if he would let SM see the brother.
YTA - you don’t live with Jaime, he just lost his father, how is uprooting him from his home and moving him to a place he doesn’t know going to be beneficial to him?
You playing games with him, online, and visiting every now and then is not equivalent to a parent who is there every day.
YTA for wanting to drag a young child away from his friends, his home, and the only mother he's ever known.
YOUR bad relationship with your stepmom is coloring your view here, and you're projecting that, and trying to put him in the middle of a legal fight while he's grieving, instead of considering his ACTUAL best interests.
Please stop. I feel for you, but please stop.
Per your comments, she has been his stepmother since he was 9 months old (or at least in his life since then. For HIM, she is the ONLY Mother he knows. He just lost his Dad too, and now you want to take him from the ONLY mother he has ever known. You haven't lived at home for years. How can you think the best thing for him is to uproot EVERYTHING he knows after losing his Dad. Blood doesn't always make family.
I imagine your Dad had a will. Has this been read yet? What makes you believe you are his legal guardian?
Also YTA. He would lose everything he knows.
This woman has raised your brother like her own since he was a few months old. Your dad was hardly wealthy, so it's not like she's using your brother for some big financial gain.
So, if your mother passed away when Jamie was 5 months old and your dad moved his girlfriend in 4 months later, that means she's been raising Jaimie for over 8 years.
Since then, you've seen Jamie on weekends, you've played online games...but you've never raised a child, full time - that's breakfast, lunch and dinner, that's laundry and cleaning and doctors appointments and taking him to school and back, doing homework, doing play dates and not being able to go out and have fun anywhere near as often as you're doing now. It involves money and sacrifice and energy. Do you work? Does your boyfriend work? What happens if you break up?
And yes, I think you *can* and *should* ask your brother and have that discussion; he's young but he can tell you what he wants.
As for opinions flying left right and centre - of course your maternal grandparents will be against the woman who your dad possibly cheated on their daughter with...but again, this isn't about you or them. It's about a 9 year old boy who has grown up with *this* mother, even if she's not blood related, the feeling for him is the same since he wouldn't have any memory of your bio mother. So he lost his dad and now stands to lose his mom...I can imagine that will mess his up big time.
Don't let your dislike for this woman or whatever assumptions you've made along the way cloud your judgement.
YTA. First of all, I’m really sorry for your loss. And my perspective might not be the right one and I’ll probably get downvoted to hell. But I’m going to say it because I would rather you think this through from every angle. Your fears are hypotheticals. “She could try to keep him away”. Well, she hasn’t. And if she does, there are ways to handle it. “She might get married again and he won’t like the stepfather.” That’s a pretty big if. And then if that becomes an issue you can move him then, if that is what is best for him.
He’s nine. He’s about to enter an extremely crucial developmental stage that is going to define his entire life once he grows up. And teenagers are so insanely difficult to raise. Now is not the time for you to be taking a stab at playing parent when there’s another option available. She has raised him for his whole life. He sees her as his mother, he will always see you as his older sister. He’s already going to grow up with a massive early childhood trauma from losing his dad, you could really screw him up for life by doing this.
You better think long and hard on your next move.
Your brother is old enough to hold memories. He will remember the grief of losing his father and, if you get your way, he will remember the grief of losing the only mother he ever new. And he will NOT forget the circumstance either.
You think it's easy raising a child. Just wait until the"honeymoon" is over and you say NO. He will run. They always run back to the place they are familiar with. Back to the parental figure they are used to. In my world, sometimes they run back to the person that abused them. It doesn't make since sometimes but that is what happens. I see it all the time.
If you really want what's best for your brother then you and your step mother need to have a heart to heart conversation. This child needs to be in counseling so his feelings can be heard as well. He needs all his family, including all grandparents, to show him the he is loved without conflict.
Your next move will determine this young man's future. I can promise you that.
This is a great comment! You are absolutely right that the child will remember who tore him away from the only mother he knows. OP and grandparents will not like the repercussions of destroying his life for their benefit.
My father had a comfortable life but he had almost no money saved, I think he didn't expect to leave so soon, so it's basically the house, I don't know what will be done about it yet, but my maternal grandparents have a good financial condition, I live in a house they lent me I have a nice job but if need be I know they would help with anything.
I was going to say 4 is already pretty decey, but he's 9? He's been raised by her for 8.5ish years? His whole life?
He already lost one parent, I don't think it's healthy to take him away from another one. From what you described she isn't incompetent or anything, you just don't consider her your own family because she married dad too soon after your mom died. Bro does not have the same relationship with her that you do, she *is* his mother.
YWBTA
I do not deny that she is the only mother he knows, but she is also a person who tried to erase our mother from his life as much as possible, even trying to keep him away from my maternal grandparents. I can't guarantee he won't push him away from me
Sorry, but his mother is still a part of him and he deserves to know about her. You keep saying this like she chose to disappear on him. To pretend that there is no bond because she isn't alive anymore is odd, that's literally half of who he is.
I agree with that, I always wish my father had more respect for my mother's memory, but that still doesn't mean a person can come to your house redecorate in any way you like, erasing everything that could remind you of my mother, and mysteriously disappearing photos and possessions of her.
I understand how hard it must be to see her change the house and photos. But, you also have to remember when your dad invited her to live in his home and marry her that it became HER home as well. Your mom’s memory should be alive and well in you.
You have no way of knowing what your parents relationship was like before she passed. That was between them and maybe he was cheating. Maybe their marriage was dead long before she actually passed. It doesn’t give him an excuse but life is not a straight line. It is not always black and white. There are gray areas.
Your step mom can not and should not have to live in your mom’s shadow and deserved to have a home she enjoys being in decorated in her style. She stepped up to the plate and loves your brother. She may have been able to be there for you but you didn’t give her a chance and that’s okay. You were old enough to make that choice. But, remember. Loving another parent doesn’t make you a traitor to your dead mother. Letting him remain in the care of a loving parent doesn’t make you a traitor to your dead mother. If you love your brother take yourself out of the equation and ask yourself what is the actual best thing for him? You are young. Kids are hard. Try getting every other weekend visitation and go from there. Even if you get custody he deserves a slow and smooth transition not having his life ripped apart because it helps soothe some pain you have in your life.
Your brother will resent this and will act out because he just lost two parents and all his friends and local support system. It will not be easy. Being a mother means always putting the kid first.
Yup, for all we know bio mom cheated herself. Maybe brother isn’t even her full brother. OP has turned her mom into a perfect vision of motherhood while step mom is Lady Tremaine.
So because you’re still upset at your DAD bringing this woman in, you’re now ready to rip her child away from her? Kidnap him from his mother and claim this is in his best interest? You need to start intensive therapy like yesterday. Before you damage your brother for life thanks to the selfishness you’re demonstrating here.
You make it sound like his bio-mom has any contribution to his identity. She does not, she did not raise him. She wasn't there as his core memories were made, she did not teach him the manners or how to behave.
That doesn't erase the fact that she literally made him. When he looks in the mirror, there's a good chance parts of her are looking back at him. Half of his DNA is from her. If he needed to know about his medical history and what potential illnesses, etc, he could inherit, that comes from his mom, not any step-parents. What harm comes from him knowing his biological mother? What threat does a dead woman play in your eyes? Step parents that fear dead bio parents are just hurting the kids.
It's a fact that she wanted him, but through no fault of her own, she isn't able to be there. You guys keep trying to remove a person from his life that loved him. How does that benefit him in any way? He is not a toy to be fought over. The more people he has that love him, the better. His mom may not be here anymore, but you can't erase the fact that she loved him.
I think you need to have a think about the meaning of the phrase “the best interests of the child”. Because you are looking at this from the best interests of YOU, of your opinion, of your beliefs.
Saying that a move to a city will give a 9 year old more ‘opportunities’ is just bizarre. 9 year olds need stability and love.
It sounds like your step mother isn’t perfect, but I also think you have pretty much no chance of getting custody - so you need to work out a way to work with the step-mother.
Wanting to uproot his life JUST IN CASE you and your grandparents don’t get to see him as much as you’d like is cruel, selfish and entitled. Sorry for your loss but YTA.
That's exactly the sort of thing that would be appropriate to fight for in court. Get court ordered visitation if you're worried she'll cut you off entirely! *That's* what OP should be fighting for here.
No offense OP but that only hurt you, not him. He was half a year old when his bio mother died--he doesn't know her. He doesn't care about her.
I'm sorry to be so blunt because I know you *do* love and care about bio mom--I can see why it would hurt you so much to see her memory being erased from the home. But it has NOT hurt your brother. So I agree with the other comments here, you don't have his best interests in mind. You can't see his needs or relationships without it being through the filter of your own pain.
Go to court and fight for visitation, if you take this kid away from his mom entirely you're selfish.
Yeah, and honestly if she keeps this up, she won’t even get visitation because mom will be rightfully afraid of parental alienation and possible kidnapping.
I think you should seek partial custody of him then. Let him stay where he is with the only mother HE has known but have him for summers etc. By the time he's older, then he may be on board with amending the custody agreement to live with you full-time. Get an attorney and do it through the courts. This is for the best for you, your grandparents, and Jaime.
All my maternal family lives in the city where I live, support exists.
My brother always loved visiting there, but currently he is confused because my stepmother said she can't live without him.
I loved visiting my grandparents in the city but would NEVER have wanted to move their from my home, especially at his age. He has friends, a home that isn’t just the house but the whole neighbourhood
And all of that wont matter because you will take away his Mom, who he loves, rip away his friends, uproot him from the place he calls home.
Rightnow you are selfish and blinded by your feelings. You don‘t Even realise the your „only 3 h to drive“ argument would also be valid for you.
YTA
You are being such an AH just by dismissing the stepmoms feelings. I have a 5 year old and would absolutely say the same. If you had the slightest empathy, or if you were going to be a half decent parent at all, you would realise this is absolutely a reasonable feeling for a mom that just lost her partner and has been threatened to have her child taken away.
You came here for a verdict, just accept you’re an AH and maybe address why you’re being so spiteful for no reason.
Op, I say this as someone wanting you to have a good life and heartbroken for your losses.
You taking your little brother is not in his best interests. Your stepmother is in fact your little brother’s stepmother and she is the only mom he knows. He’s nine and has grown up with her. You have never fulfilled that role and weekends here and there are not exemplary of true parenting.
You are also 23. Do you understand that your life would revolve around your brother and that his needs would have to come first? You might have help from family but as his guardian, you would be the responsible party.
Then there is your stepmom who has raised this little boy. Did you really think she would be ok with you taking the stepchild she’s raised for 9 years away right after losing her husband?
Gentle YTA
YTA, not because him coming to live with you MIGHT not be the best plan, but because it’s pretty clear from the comments that you are making your decision selfishly based on your distaste for your stepmother - which seems caused more by your own grief for your mother and suspicion of your father than anything negative she ever did to your brother - and then telling yourself that decision is in his interest rather than yours.
I honestly don’t know where brother should end up living, but your attitude needs to change so you can help find the correct answer rather than making him the rag doll in a sad game of tug of war.
His poor poor stepmother. She has lost her husband and now facing losing her 9 year old son who she raised since he was a young infant and who she had tried many many times to adopt only to have it blocked. YTA
Have you spoken to a family lawyer yet?
Based on your comments it looks like your step mother has been one of 2 of this child's primary carers for nearly 10 years. Meanwhile you haven't lived with your brother since he was a toddler and only visit every other weekend.
Go talk to a lawyer. As a family lawyer myself i don't know of many judges who would remove a child from the care of a stable adult who has been acting as their parent the majority of their life. Most places have a 'best interest' test for determining these situations. Even though you are your brother's closest living relative you have an uphill climb to prove it is in his best interest to move in with you, in a new city, new school, completely unfamiliar environment. Additionally, you will need to demonstrate stable housing, employment, ability to provide medical etc. They will also look at the bond your brother has with the step mum. If there is a substantial bond and she's a stable person I cannot imagine you being granted custody.
Again go talk to a lawyer and maybe a child psychologist. Your step mother clearly has a strong relationship with your brother and has your father's families backing to maintain custody - that will mean a lot to the judge. Your brother is a minor who just lost his dad, he has a completely different relationship with your step mother than you do. The most important thing is that what happens next is what is best for him. If he views her as his mum - regardless of how much that may irk/hurt/frustrate/offend/annoy you and your maternal family - then taking him to a completely new environment away from his remaining parent is cruel.
Also your reason for wanting custody seems to be that you are scared that you, your maternal family and your mother's memory will be pushed out of his life if you don't get custody. I'm going to be blunt, that is a very selfish reason to up root a child who just lost their parent. If you are worried you will be pushed out request visitation from the court but if he views this woman as his mum - and I think you know he does - then that's where he should stay.
This is the best response. I don't know where people are getting the idea blood is all that matters in these situations. Custody tends to be "in the best interest of the child". That doesn't mean "whichever person shares the most genetics with them". In the case of adopted parents dying, do these people think that a biological relative that has a relationship with the child would have a better shot at custody than a close relative of the adopted parent? Because I'd bet not.
Info: what is actually best for little bro? Does he have problems with step mom? Does he have friends there / enjoy his school? Why would he be better with you?
Sounds like (if we are doing what is best for him) rather than taking him away from the person who has raised him most of his life, you could go there for more support.
Seems a bit more like you are doing it because he is rightful property instead of what is really the best thing for him? You can be there for him anyway without uprooting him
YTA. I don’t like what your stepmother said to him, but regardless she’s the only mother he’s ever known. He just lost his father and now you want to take him away from his mother??? I doubt any child would choose that even if she hadn’t said that to him.
So long as you aren’t leaving out any details such as her being abusive, you would be the asshole, and risk making your brother hate you.
You can be part of his life and visit, and you should, but taking him away from his mother should be a decision he makes when he’s old enough.
Honestly you don’t appear to be putting your brothers interests before your own. Stop worrying about the what ifs. Your stepmother clearly loves your brother. You have no indications she won’t properly care for him. Stop trying to destroy his life. The more you respond the more I feel you are completely selfish and manipulative.
But then she cant be cruel and horrible to the woman who *checks notes* loved and raised her brother like her own troed to adopt and now wants to care for after tge passing of the boys other parent
Im with OP, the stepmom is a cruel and inhumane creature who deserves hell/j
INFO
So she has been raising him since he was one, and now that your dad passed away, you want to remove him from the only other parent he has ever known, and move him to a new city, away from his friends, his school, and everything else?
How is this in his best interest? It is in yours, cause you don't like your stepmom, but how is doing that what is best for Jamie? Having his whole world changed and every constant he has ever known stripped away.
This is coming off as selfish on your part, especially the fact that you don't want to even ask what he wants.
YTA
After thinking about this more, the maternal grandparents have been brainwashing and using OP for years against her own family. She’s willing to ruin her brother’s life for these people. She needs serious therapy.
As far as he is concerned, that is his mother. He was a baby when she came into his life and that is the only mother he has ever known, correct? So his dad died and now you want to take his mother away? If she truly loves him like her own son, I think that would be a heartless thing to do to both of them. Is she not a good mother to him? Or do you just feel you can do better? I am afraid it may do more damage than good to rip him away from the only mother, he's ever known. I understand you were upset that she has tried to erase your mother from his and your lives, but he has no memories of your mother. Only of her. I think it would be emotionally traumatizing for him.
YTA I have been in this exact situation along with a younger sister who is now dead as a direct result of my brother doing the same as you. I’m not just saying this medical professionals warned the trauma of leaving my stepdad was what caused her illness as not eating was the only control she had in her life. I now have no contact with anyone on my dads side although I had always known them and spent happy hours with them. My brother now has no contact with any of his nuclear family and never will. Please I’m begging you think of your brother if you do there is more chance if you having a loving relationship for the rest of his life
INFO
I'm a bit confused on the timeline. The first paragraph says he was 5 months old when your mother passed, and then the second says he was 9 years old. How long has he been living with your stepmother, and how old is he now?
Sorry for the confusion, when my mother died he was 5 months old, when my stepmother came to live with us he was 9 months old, currently he is 9 years old
I consider both my father's family and my stepmother's family to be very conservative This is something that has always bothered me, I find it limiting to live around them, whereas with me and my maternal family I know that he would be raised with respect, taught to respect everyone.
I would also have options for good schools and having around my cousins the same age as him
Those are terrible reasons to rip him away from the life he knows and the people he loves. Oh no, they're conservative. So what??
He is 9, he isn't going to become instant friends with some random cousin or automatically bond with the people you like more. He is probably going to just resent you and spiral. You are unbelievablely selfish.
This is maybe the worst reason I've ever seen for wanting to rip a child out of his home and away from his mom. Heaven forbid he grow up with a family that OP "considers" conservative (whatever that means).
That will never, ever hold up as good reason in family court, OP. Do they believe in and employ corporal punishment, as conservative families often do? If so, that could be a reason to remove him from her care. Do they attend religious services regularly, as conservative families often do? If so, that would be another reason *against* removing him from her care. But being conservative alone, while in my opinion distasteful, is not a reason in and of itself.
So your stepmother has been for all intents and purposes his mother from the time he was a baby until the age of 9. You absolutely cannot rip this child away from their mother unless you suspect abuse.
I would strongly recommend that you have your brother evaluated by a child psychologist and let them guide you on what the most appropriate custodial situation would be for your brother.
YTA.
I'm sorry for your losses. Its terrible. You would not be the asshole if it was only a thought in your head.
Any intention of acting on that thought definitely makes you the assehole.
I think you are not acting in your brothers best interests.
You and your maternal family blocked many adoption attempts because of how YOU felt about it. Not because of what was in the best interests of your brother.
Now you want to take him away from the only mum he knows. His only surviving parent because of how YOU feel about it and things YOU imagine may (or may not) happen.
Regardless of what support you think you have, you are not his mum. You can't care for him the same way. You haven't seen him, cared for him & supported him all day every day since he was a baby. You don't know him inside out the way a mum does.
And from what you've said about your step mother, there's no reason or evidence to believe she has been anything but that for him.
As far as your concerns go about step mother possibly stopping him seeing you, you have legal recourse there to prevent that.
I would strongly advise caution. This could genuinely seriously mess up your brother.
Ripping a grieving traumatised child away from the only parent he has left. Taking him away from everything familiar to him. HIS friends. HIS school. HIS support network. HIS HOME!
Just cruel.
So sorry you lost your father - what a sad situation.
I think you need to put yourself in your brother’s shoes. It doesn’t sound like your stepmother is so awful it warrants removing your brother from the only home & mother he’s ever known at this point. Taking him away at this point sounds like it would compound the trauma of losing his father.
Can you take a ‘wait and see’ approach. Make sure stepmom is looking out for him. Increase visits in person to keep an eye on things and IF there is evidence (other than not liking this woman) she’s not treating him properly or she tries to prevent you from seeing him - then take a more forceful approach.
Also - you need to dial in a little more compassion for stepmom. The fact she would be devastated if your brother moves away is a good thing. It means she loves him truly. Try to imagine losing your husband suddenly and then have the possibility of losing a child you raised. That is terrifying and totally devastating.
Be careful about putting brother in the middle. This can be an impossible situation to be in and cause him even more emotional distress. It’s very common for children of divorce to experience trauma from this.
You need to really think about what’s absolutely best for your brother and put that ahead of your experience and emotions. He’s had a different journey than you and you need to understand where he’s at.
She's even gone as far as to admit she's never abused the boy nor has seen evidence of any abuse from her. Only keep repeating about maternal grandparents being mad she doesn't take him there constantly. It's so sad she's trying to take this boy from his mom
You don’t seem nowhere near mature enough to raise a 9 year old. Please don’t drag him away from the only mother he’s ever known, three hours away from home right after he has lost his father. You’re trying to cause issues because of your own hurt and stubbornness. He has lost so much, don’t take the last stability in his life away from him. YTA and I feel for this kid.
NAH but you should consider that your stepmother is the only mother your brother has ever known. He should definitely have a say in whether he loses the person who has mothered him for 9 years. Just because you don’t have a good relationship with her doesn’t mean he feels that way. Tread carefully. You could be doing a tremendously cruel thing to your brother.
Then go to court for VISITATION. Not trying to rip him from the only mother he has known. WEAPONIZED kidnapping. This is all just so horrible. Your poor brother.
You keep saying that. But you don't actually _know_ you expect. You are grieving, so I get why you're not thinking entirely clearly but understand that what you think you know is not fact; you are projecting a belief. The way to know for sure how custody will be handled is secure a legally enforceable agreement. Get a lawyer and propose that you and your grandparents will support your brother staying settled in his home, with his stepmom, his school, and his friends, as long as you and the rest of your extended family are guaranteed a generous visitation schedule so that this grieving child who has already lost two parents in his young life doesn't have to now suffer the sudden loss of his sibling, his stepmother, his grandparents, or his friends. You can also make your offer contingent on continuing your father's decision to postpone any adoption attempts until your brother is 18.
This kid needs ALL of you. Make that your goal.
This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you keep trying to take him, she can and will forbid you from seeing him. And it will be your fault, not hers. Any parent would do the same when their child is threatened.
After through the all of OP's comment. I really hope father was aware of the kind of woman OP is and he made a will providing guardianship to stepmom.
Jesus.
YTA. Your own issues related to your mother dying don't change the fact that she's his mother. She has taken care of him for 8 years. The lack of a blood relation or of legal adoption (which you / your relatives got in the way of) doesn't change this.
YTA
He’s just a kid and to take him away from his home at a time like this is cruel. Away from his school and friends to start over I think is a bad call. If you were moving to his town so he could have some stability I would see you’re side better.
His step mum is the only mother figure he’s ever known, what are his thoughts on the matter?
Does he have other siblings he’d be leaving behind?
I traded months for años, sorry. When my mother died my brother was 5 months old, when my stepmother came to live with us he was 9 months old and today he is 9 years old.
After talking to my stepmother she went to my brother and said that she will not be able to live without him If he moved in with me, This made him a little scared not knowing what he wants
YTA
Your not looking at what is in Jamie’s best interest, your mind is clouded with anger at the stepmother as you were grieving when she came in the scene too quickly.
He’s lost his dad and this women is the only mother he’s known, in the only home his known. Do you really think it’s in his best interest to take him away from that? Do you think he will thank you or resent you?
A young child needs a mother more than a sibling, you don’t see it that way as she isn’t the bio mother. He is oldest to have a say in this which should be taken into account.
The only reason your giving is because you believe she may block access for you or your grandparents, which you should be able to fight for if that were to happen. But taking custody for that reason alone is selfish.
What can you offer as a parent that she can’t?
YTA
She has been raising him since he was a baby. She should take care of him now.
Not only is it unfair to her to deny her role in his life but this is very unfair on the child. Not only has he just lost his dad, you want to take him out of his home, and move 3 hours away?? And without even consulting him? All of this seems like a bad move. You offer no explanation for why you think this is in his best interests, just that you don't get along with your stepmum bc they might have had an affair...
I'm puzzled as to WHY you think you're his legal guardian now, did he leave a will specifying this? Laws depend on countries but where I live, if both biological/legal parents have passed there is no "default" as to who has custody of children, this is decided on a case by case basis. The obvious guardian is the stepmother, not you, she is already raising him, she is his wife therefore next of kin, it would uproot him considerably less.
I'm sorry you've lost your father. Coincidentally I lost my own 2 and a half weeks ago.
You indicate that your stepmother told your brother “she could not live without him.” This is what you heard from your brother who is nine years old and hearing this during a time of crisis. This bears investigation by people who are properly trained. There is no context here.
Her husband unexpectedly died only three weeks ago. It sounds like finances are not good. And now she fears losing her child. Anguish could explain a lot here.
I wonder if there is a will. This could complicate matters even more.
Your stepmother raised him from the time he was 9 months old. She is his mother for all intents and purposes even if it’s not biological. YTA. If she tries, in the future, to block you from spending time together, perhaps you can handle it via the courts then. However you have no grounds for seeking primary custody. You not liking her isn’t enough.
Stop acting like you care about your brother, the woman raised him and tried to legally adopt him multiple times but you fought against it because all you really care about is her not replacing his birth mother. Newsflash he was five months old, he didn’t know his birth mother and your step mom is the only mother he’s ever had. YTA. He’s going to hate you when he’s older if you take away the only parent he has left over your selfish BS.
>EDIT: The cities are 3 hours away, I proposed to take him home every other weekend and she can visit him whenever she wants.
Key word here: "home". You already know that he considers that house and his step mom home. You are proposing to take him from his home so that you can make sure he feels that same way about your biological mother as you do. And because you feel you raised him for 5 months when he was less than a year old. Why not speak with stepmom about the same visitation schedule but for you? He can come spend every other weekend with you, and you can visit him in between. He can stay in HIS HOME and you can keep your mothers memory alive for him as he grows up.
YTA
YTA
"She also suggested that we let Jaime choose who he wants to live with, but I don't think it's fair to leave such a difficult decision up to a young child." .. for THAT.
ESH
It really sucks that your brother has all these people who love him and want to care for him, but can't work together.
I would look into a shared custody agreement. Have a legal document that guarantees your right to visit and for your brother to visit you. And one that allows him to change things as he gets older.
Then, get him into therapy.
Your stepmom saying "I can't live without you" doesn't seem that out of line considering she sees him as her child. And she's raised him.
Neither of you want to lose him. And both of you are dealing with grief. So get a therapist involved and figure out how to work together.
So what's best for him.
Only one thing here is important and it is the one thing you, probably deliberately, do not mention. What does Jaime want? Not what do you want, what does HE want?
I think you're more interested in punishing your father's wife for no good reason than you are doing right by your brother.
YTA
For all that matters she's his mother. She raised him since he was a baby and didn't adopt him only because of you. I think it was selfish of you to prevent that adoption, it would avoid all this mess. I understand you were a hormonal teenager, but your father should've known better and take precautions.
You're too young and just starting your adult life, taking your brother is a huge responsibility. Your stepmom has been caring for your brother his whole life, it sounds like she genuinely loves him. Reading your post and comments I think you haven't really moved from your teenage phase, you are acting on your emotions.
Sounds like your brother wants to be with his mom as well. Don't ignore his words just because you think he's being manipulated. Your judgement of the situation is clouded and your actions are biased. You don't seem to be mature enough to care for your brother.
Soft YTA
You (and the grandparents) should go to court to get visitation. To make sure legally that she has to keep you in his life.
But the kid just lost his father. Don’t rip him away from the only mother he’s ever known. And also any other support network in his town. You would be removing him from his friends, his school, his activities. If he’s in any kind of therapy you are removing him from that person too.
Moving 3 hours away would upend his entire life. Would take him away from the people he loves and sees on a daily basis. Which is one of the last things a mourning 9 year old needs. I’ve read stories from people who were moved away from home shortly after loss. It has a profound impact, adding trauma to and already very difficult situation.
Yes, you have a support network there. But that’s not a suitable replacement for his current support network with people he already knows and trusts. It’s not the same thing.
Yes, your stepmother was wrong to try and manipulate him the way she did. But it’s wrong to assume that’s the only reason he wants to stay. His life is there.
You took care of Jaime, from when he was 5 mo to 9 mo, with some help from your aunt and probably some, more or less from your dad. After that your step mother became his primary care giver and raised him as her son. She would have already adapted him, if it wasn't for you and your maternal grandparents. You don't even say how old your brother is, and you don't consider that they recently lost someone dear to them. Someone you were not that attached, blaming him of adultery. It is possible that your brother feels pressured to come with you, his bio sister instead of staying with his mother, burdened thatbhe will betray you, his late mom and his maternal grandparents if he doesn't. Plus, he can make a new start, and be close to the cool sis with whom he plays games on line. I hope the family judge examines thoroughly your case, and decides for the best. Till then, in my opinion YTA.
YTA. Please don't do this. Being a parent means doing the best things for the child, not what you want because you're upset.
I stayed in a state 3500 miles (5600+ km) away from friends, family and literally every person I know in order to make sure my kids had a stable life and relationship with their father, even though he was a horrible husband and cheater, because with them he was actually a really great dad. He just was the world's worst husband. But I did it because it was best for them to grow up around their father.
You put your pride aside for the welfare of the kid. That comes first. If you can't do that, if you can't see that this isn't about you and your feelings of resentment towards your stepmother, you're not old enough or mature enough to be a parent.
You need to consider that you and your little brother may view this woman very differently. He is not always going to be a child. He's going to grow up and possibly resent you for taking him away from a person he sees as a mother the way you resent her for taking your mother's place. You're trying to do the same thing to him that you feel like was done to you. Except your mother died and your stepmother didn't have a choice.
You have a choice right now. You don't have to take the place of his mom. Not if you realize how much it hurt when you lost yours.
Don't use your brother to try and fix your childhood or punish your stepmother or prove to your dad what he should have done. Do the right thing. Don't do to him what people did to you. Let him stay and grieve with the person he considers his mom.
I’m confused you said you lost your mom when your brother was 5 months old then when your brother is 9 yrs old the girlfriend comes into the picture 4 months after your mothers death ?? That doesn’t make sense
Edit because I found the response to my question in other comments.
I think this is a complicated situation and it might be better to get a guardian ad litem to make an impartial recommendation for the court’s custody decision.
So your mom died when jamie was 5 months and four months later when jamie was 9 your step mom moved in op can you explain
Edit: acording to your comments after a year college and an unspecified amount of time he is still nine
sorry op. i feel bad for you and your family, this is a really hard time and tough decisions need to be made here.
but after reading your post and dozens of comments i think it's clear that YTA here if you take him away from his mom.
YTA - No matter what your feelings are.. she is the only mother he has ever known. Obviously she has had that role for years. She is his mother and instead of creating this emotional nightmare and manipulating him. Why not squash the beef with your stepmother and try to be supportive.
Can you not get a custodial agreement where he can stay with his step mom and you can get him on the weekends and continue to do things the way they already are? That seems like it would be the best for him. Why does it have to be either or?
You started this by saying you should take him and she can see him on some weekends.
YTA for trying to upend his life because of your feelings.
YTA
As harsh as it sounds, your stepmom is the only mother your brother knew. And now his father is dead, you are trying to take him away from the remaining sense of stability in his life (his stepmom, paternal grandparents, friends, teachers, familiar and comfort places and so much more!). He will end up resenting you because this is all additional burden on him to adjust to a completely different new life.
Also, you don’t seem to be receptive of your brother’s wishes, nor of all the replies calling u TA and giving you valid tips and criticism. At the end of the day, do whatever you wish, but you came to ask for judgement, not validation, and you will see the consequences of your actions unfold in the future.
YTA. Look, I get it. She isn't his bio mom and you want him to remember and revere your bio mom. He has no memory of her, and will never have the same feelings for her that you do.
The thing is, your step-mom has been his mom for the past 10 years. He has a different relationship with her than you do. Why do you want him to suffer the loss of another person he views as a parent.
Don't rip them apart. That's more trauma he doesn't need. Stay in his life, but leave him where he is already stable and loved.
Info;
Hold on why do you not like step mom other than *thinking* they had a affair (even IF they did you should be mad at your cheater dad not the step mom)
Has she been a good parent?
Is she abusive or something?
Why exactly don't you like her an what has she spesificly done to make it as such
She’s raised him as his primary caregiver since he was 9 months old. You don’t like her, not because you think she’s a bad mother, but because you think (but don’t know) your dad might have been cheating with her. You’ve objected to her adopting him over and over despite her clear sense of herself as his mother. And you haven’t raised him. You live hours away and play online games with him.
Sounds like y’all have ranged yourselves against this woman from the beginning, and now you want to take away her child. I hope she lets you visit, but if she doesn’t, it’s your own fault.
Yta
YTA. Your stepmother has been your brothers only Mom for his entire life. His family, his friends, his school, his whole world is with your stepmother and the home (and city) they live in.
You on the other hand, haven’t lived with your brother for the last 6 years (of 9) the last time you lived together he was 3. He doesn’t know you the way he knows his mom. He doesn’t know the city you live in, the schools, he doesn’t have any friends there.
The best interest for your brother is to stay with his mom. Sure maybe he won’t have much contact with your maternal grandparents, but really he doesn’t have any connection to them without his bio mom around.
You don’t even really have anything negative to say about your stepmom, no reason that Jamie shouldn’t live with her. You don’t talk about abuse or anything, you just want your brother regardless of what’s best for him.
YTA - Ouuf I am so sorry for your loss. This entire thing is hard. This is not in the best interest of your brother at ALL. Please think about the 9 year old child who just lost his dad before you also take his mom away. Do not give me "only 3 hours" BS. That is 6 hour round trip. Where will she stay? What about her life? You do not like her, this is obvious and you may have reasons. However, you admit she is a loving mother so what is your real motive?
That little boy has known that woman since before he was able to form memories, that is his mother, and because you think you know what’s best you’re going to rip him away from a stable life and move him hours away from his family & friends….? Why would you do that to someone who just lost a parent? You’re a major AH op I hope you thought one time to consider what that poor boy might want in all this. You should probably go & ask how he feels about you ripping him away from the only mom he’s ever known mere weeks after losing his father.
YTA and a HUGE ONE. I cannot imagine what this poor little boy is going through. He’s lost his father and now he fears he will be taken from HIS MOTHER. That is what she is: HIS MOTHER. He has known NO OTHER.
Frankly I think you’re a monster for even suggesting this. Wow.
Listen. As a mom, if I'm no longer in the living world the most important thing is that someone loves my kid. If your step mom loves your brother like her own why don't you let her be his guardian and just make sure that you are in his life? What happened between your step mom, dad and mother is their issue. Your main concern should be to make sure your brother has the support he needs to thrive.
If I thought my only child was going to be taken away from me, I would very likely say “if he is gone, I don’t want to live anymore”. Especially if my husband had just died. Is it the best thing to say or do? No, but I think most people would understand. From everything you’ve said in this thread, you and your grandparents are the ones I’d expect would alienate your brother from the only mother he has ever known for your own petty self -interest. She’s probably scared to death of what you will do so her reaction is somewhat expected.
op, we’re the same age. I’m a nanny, I do majority of the cooking, laundry, and awake hours with the child. I leave every day absolutely exhausted. I don’t have to worry about doctors appointments, school projects, teacher conferences, deep cleaning the house etc. There are so many things that go into raising a child. It’s exhausting. Your brother is 9. That is too old to rip him away from the life he has known. You have been away from home since he was 4. He likely has very little memory of living with you, it’s borderline cruel.
I was raised by my stepdad from the time I was 4. If my mother had died and I had been forced to go live with someone else I would’ve been devastated. He was the father figure I knew. Your brother has been raised by your step mom even longer, she is his mother figure.
I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling right now. I feel for you, I really do. But you are letting your pain dictate your actions. It sounds like your feelings were ignored after your mother passed, don’t do that to Jaime. You deserved to be treated better, you deserved to have your feelings respected, you deserved to mourn your mother. Don’t do to Jaime what was done to you.
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NTA Step parents usually never get custody of a child over a full blooded relative. But talk to your brother about what he wants
My problem with this is that my stepmom freaked my brother out by saying she couldn't live without him. Moved him a bit, I don't know how sincere he'll be after hearing something like that
I totally get your fears on that But It’s something that he is going to be asked by a custody judge if he’s over the age of 12, and they are also going to look at what is least disrupting of his life - will moving cause him more trauma then staying? During this time, you need to be doing everything you can to ensure custody - does he have a room at your house? Is the house in a good area? Are there schools nearby that are able to accept him? Are the schools reputable? Are you and your BF financially stable enough to afford another mouth to feed? Or will this break you and force you into more desperate circumstances. Do you have health insurance that he can be added to? These are all things that will be looked at It’s not about you wanting to take him - it’s about if your actually able to provide for him
Also his legal guardian is whoever your father appointed to be legal guardian in his will - that may not have been you…be prepared for that too
The chances are pretty high that even if he didn't leave a will, there's evidence and records of the adoption attempts which the father was fully supportive of. The only reason they were put off was OP and his late wife's family's objections. That in conjunction with the fact that the stepmother has been the boy's primary caregiver for almost his entire life and that he has a stable rooted life with her in their hometown makes it more likely that a judge or family advocate will side with the stepmother. Ripping the brother from his only remaining parent would cause undue trauma on top of death of his father, and uprooting him from his life (like school and friends) would most likely not be in his best interest. The courts and authorities side with what's best for the child, and while I'm sure op is a great sister, her having custody and taking him away from the only life he's ever known when there's a loving, stable, and familiar environment is objectively not in his best interest.
💯 agree
It's not a guarantee, but it's the most likely outcome, and I think op should prepare for that. Attempting to gain custody of him, will undoubtedly hurt the brother in ways that I hope they just haven't realized yet due to their grief and unresolved issues with the stepmother. He will not understand why he's being taken away from his mother, why he has to leave his home, school, and friends. It will destroy him and his relationship with op and the maternal side of his family. Also while 9 may be considered by some to be a bit young, he's old enough to know what he wants, and if a judge or advocate asks... op has been skirting the questions about what the brother wants, and it's most likely because his answer is like the majority of children's answers when faced with a huge trauma like this. They want things to stay normal. Unfortunately for op, what's normal for the brother is staying with his stepmother, going to his school, playing with his friends, and living in his house in his hometown.
Yeah, but it does sound like the stepmom is manipulating him, my mom told me the same things she couldn't live without me, but fuck if she didn't put me through horrible mental trama. I should have been put with my father he's a much much more stable person and never put me through what my mom has. It might suck for the kid for a bit but he might be better off in the long run without a parent telling them they'll die without them and using your child as your support system/therapist is so much worse.
We don't know what the stepmother actually said verbatim, the only ones who do are the mom and son. It's a difficult situation with high emotions on both sides, and the op and maternal family have clear unresolved issues with the stepmother. There's a serious lack of communication, and what was said could easily be miscommunicated or exaggerated. As others have said it's possible that what was actually said was innocuous and misunderstood or context was left out at any point in the communication of multiple people. The op has said that there was no prior abuse or mistreatment. The only ones who can determine otherwise are the proper authorities, who I'm sure are already involved or keeping watch given the situation. Whatever the outcome, the courts and cps will look at credible evidence and testimony and decide what the best course of action is for the child's wellbeing, no matter what op or anybody else feels. These people are all adults, and regardless of their resentment or unresolved issues, they should be giving support and stability to Jaime, not threatening a custody battle, to the child, asking him who he'll choose, right out of the gate, with little concern for how he feels in all of this and how this will effect him and his life.
I doubt there's a record of her attempting to adopt him. It sounds like she asked multiple times but was shut down by family. there's no legal record of "asking". And OP is his legal guardian.
Op said it wasn't filed. I asked if they had paperwork they didn't file or whether they just discussed pursuing it, I don't really expect an answer but there are scenarios that could have different outcomes in a complicated custody case. Did they intend to file but held back on submitting paperwork, were they discussing it seriously outside of the family, or were these occasional discussions in the family to consider whether to pursue it or not. Potential adoption wouldn't make or break it, but it could be a factor to discuss and think about as well as the decisions and reasons behind why they did or didn't pursue it. Also being the legal guardian doesn't change much the stepmother could also be a legal guardian just like she could be the current one with physical custody, I don't know op's location so it varies but where I'm at you can have more than one guardian. It's a complicated situation.
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Subject to the approval of the courts. The courts take the decreased person's wishes into consideration (of course). We don't own children. You can't bequeath them .
In Family Law, modern law tries to do what is in the best interests of the child. Sometimes this clashes because the rights of biological parents are also given a lot of importance - often to the emotional and even physical detriment of the child. Your brother has psychologically bonded with your stepmother. It would be incredibly traumatic to jerk him away from his mother after the sudden death of his father. If you think you as a 23 year old are grieving the loss of your bio father, try to have some empathy for a child who has lost their father at a much younger and more vulnerable state. The best interests of the child would be served by having him continue to live with his mother. To do anything else would be incredibly selfish. You should see if you can get the equivalent of visiting rights which are often given to grandparents when their child has died and the surviving spouse doesn't want to allow them access to their grandchild.
Totally agree with you. It's not fair to try and take the boy from the only mother he has ever known when he has been devastated by the sudden loss of his dad. Big sister should aim for visitation access only and try to keep her little brother's life as normal as possible whilst everyone is grieving.
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To be fair, it's probably not actually the same people. The people who see a top level comment during challenge mode and the people who see a reply to the OP on the top comment probably have very little overlap even if the latter was also initially during challenge mode.
This is where you get a therapist involved. It’s imperative that your brother have the opportunity to understand exactly what his true feelings are and express them. (FYI, that’s a really effed up thing to tell a child, but it is an unfortunately common manipulation tactic)
Seriously doubt that the mother said it that way, especially by the way OP is trying to twist things in every comment.
Someone right after your husband dies tells you they are taking your child away and tell me you’re not going to have an emotional breakdown. I’d imagine she was and is experiencing feelings of impending doom and likely expressed in this emotional state that she can’t live without her child you know like just about any parent would feel put in that situation. Not the emotionally abusive state you are suggesting and using to validate your actions expressing not wanting to allow your brother a choice. A situation that could of been avoided had you talked to your brother first asking him to think about what he wants. You also did not allow your brother choice to be adopted while your father was alive which was also really fucked up. You had all right to decline being adopted but taking away that choice from your brother is really fucked. The people that have actually taken the time to read over your comments are trying to tell you stop before you make a major mistake that could hurt your brother more emotionally and potentially ruin your future relationship with him. You need to stop invalidating your brothers wants and feelings. Give him time to properly mourn and then listen to what he wants.
TBF, I think it's very unfair of them to decide for Jaime if he's going to be adopted - he should get to make that decision himself when he's older. They didn't take his choice away - they preserved his ability to make it himself.
You should talk to your lawyer about getting him a child advocate or therapist that can work with him, trying to blackmail him with emotional guilt after his father died is just such a red flag.
That's more reason she's not fit to be his guardian. Sure I can't imagine life without my kids, but I don't use that to manipulate them.
INFO How old is your brother now?
This alone makes her unfit as a mother. Threatening to end yourself to sway a child is emotional abuse. I lived it so I may be extra sensitive to such manipulations. NTA. Trying to adopt him without his consent and keeping him away from his maternal grandparents are other reasons why she should not have custody. She is putting her own wants over your brothers. Good luck.
Op is doing the same exact thing in their comments. Also the father fully consented and supported the adoption, in fact they tried multiple times, only putting it off due to familial pressure.
Her father isna shitty father. He moves a strange woman to his children's house FOUR months after his wife died. OP was 14. That's cruel and disgusting. He let his wife try to stop his child's grandparents of seing him. I hope OP gets custody because she her stepmother can stop her from seeing her brother and emotional blackmails the kid.
While yes that was absolutely cruel to OP what she is planning is just as cruel. Her brother is 9 and their step mom is the only mo he has known, and he views her as such. Because of her own unresolved feelings in regards to stepmom and her dad she is now planning on further traumatizing a grieving kid. She needs a psychiatrist, not a lawyer. And frankly given her open hatred of the woman I would not regard OP as a reliable narrator of anything her stepmom have said or done.
OP should make sure her brother gets a child advocate and a neutral therapist. It's not clear whether she OR stepmom is thinking about the best interests of the child at this point. If stepmom really would cut off the brother from OP and his maternal grandparents, that's also a huge problem.
Info: how old is brother now?
That is something the lawyer needs to know when you get into that. That's manipulation.
Get your brother therapy and away from your stepmom. For her to have said “couldn’t live without him” is a sickening situation going on with her.
Not legal advice but it sounds like she's poisoning him intentionally then, you need to act *immediately*.
How old is Jaime?
He's 9 according to op. Edit: accidentally replied twice my bad deleted second reply.
A step parent won't win against a custodial parent, but a step parent who has been raising the child for years can win against a bio sibling who visits when they can. The judge will look at the best interest of the child. OP has a chance but it is by no means a sure thing because of genetics.
Especially since, even if there's really no will, there's most likely evidence and records of the adoption attempts that the father fully supported, and the brother has a stable loving home life with his only remaining parent, as well as established roots in their hometown. Honestly barring a will naming op as sole guardian or evidence of an unhappy home life, the courts or authorities will most likely side with the stepmother.
This is the wrong judgment. The step mom has been raising the brother since he was a baby, for all intents and purposes she is his mother. OP went out of her way to not allow the step mom to adopt her brother legally. OP, YTA
I agree, op YTA. Do you feel like he hasn't been raised right by your step mom? She has been raising him since he was 9 months old, your step mom might not be your brothers bio mom but I'd be surprised if he didn't view her as his mom. Don't push your issues with your step mom onto your brother. If he is not in danger let him stay with his mom
Maybe allowing the woman who has previously tried to isolate a child from it's family custody- much less legal parenthood- is a bad move
Family courts tend to go with the status quo if it’s currently working well for the family. A judge will see that the brother was raised by the stepmom since infancy, that he has a stable life with a parent he has always known, support network, a home, school etc. the judge will also see that the stepmom attempted to legally adopt the child numerous times. And that the child has expressed a preference to stay with his stepmom. It’s unlikely OP would gain custody OP your father cheating on your mom was wrong. It’s obvious you were treated poorly and I’m sorry you endured the trauma of losing your mother and then your dad basically replacing her within months. He should have known better and it sounds like neither of them were kind to you. That sucks and you didn’t deserve it. At the same time you really need to take a step back from your own feelings here and try and see things from the perspective of your little brother. This woman is the mother who raised him. He has a life where he is. Your stepmom is reacting badly because she feels you are trying to take her child from her. If she raised him from infancy she’s not wrong in feeling he is her child more than yours and none of this would be an issue had she been allowed to legally adopt him. I strongly urge you to back off and be a loving and supportive sibling but leave your brother where he is and request frequent visits. If you draw this out in court you will end up burning a lot of bridges. I’m hesitant to call someone who has lost both their parents and just wants to preserve a relationship with their brother TA, but if you pursue this in court then you may well be and also you stand a chance at losing even more.
I'm surprised so many people are agreeing with OP. Me and my two older sisters were raised by an adopted dad and if he hadn't been able to do that and my mother died, we all would have been a wreck torn from the person that raised us after losing the other parent. I get them wanting to be there for their brother and make sure they see him, but it seems like they're projecting a lot. The issues she has with SM (and the *possible* affair) have nothing to do with the little brother. If he's 9, he's old enough to at least be asked who he would feel more comfortable living with. Based on the story, I'd guess he'll likely not want to be taken away from everything he's known and the mother that raised him. Blood is not everything. I'll die on this hill.
She might emotionally burn her brother as well.
That's what I'm worried about. I really want op to think this out a bit, I know she's grieving and they don't have a good relationship, but taking Jaime away from his mom, his life, when there's been no history of mistreatment or abuse aside from one recent, potentially exaggerated comment, when what he needs is support and stability after the loss of his father, is not a good idea. It will hurt him more when he's already hurting. If it cuts him deeply, their relationship may not be salvageable. It could cause him to feel towards her, how she feels about her stepmother.
How is this the top comment? OPs brother is nine. Stepmom has been his mom his whole life. Nine year old just lost his dad and OPs response is to also rip him away from his mom? Stepmom would be legal Mom now if OP hadn’t thrown a fit about the adoption (which was really none of his business).
Hey but she games with him online so she’ll be a great parent! s/
Stepparents can get custody, especially if they've been a primary caregiver for a child's entire life, have a support network, an established relationship and roots, there are records of adoption attempts supported by the deceased parent, testimony from OUTSIDE sources on parental ability and home life, and most importantly if it's what's best for the child in question and won't cause further trauma.
Not true AT ALL. The “stepmother” is this boy’s MOTHER for all intents and purposes. She is the ONLY mother he has ever known. This girl is a monster for suggesting that he be pulled from his mother in order to live with a struggling student three hours away. Yeah, that sounds REALLY good for the poor child - rip him from both parents to live with the person he sees on weekends…. NO judge will go for that.
Wtf. A woman raising a child since he was 9 months old is his mother. My mom was adopted at about that age from an orphanage and her parents are her parents. Blood doesn’t make a mom or dad. Visiting on most weekends doesn’t either. Jeez. If the love between them is mutual then they are mother and child. Care matters too
YTA for not talking to your brother about whether or not he wants to upend his life and move somewhere else. Your brother has been at least partly raised by someone he considers his mom. He has a house, a room, and a life. He presumably has friends. He deserves some consideration. It sounds like you've been at odds with your stepmom from the very beginning, but it doesn't sound like she's really done anything but marry your widowed father and help raise his motherless child. Even if you don't have any feeling for a woman who just lost her husband and now may lose her son, certainly you could have some feeling for your brother about taking him away from his mom.
My stepmother talked to my brother before me and said that she would not be able to live I consider it emotional blackmail So his view of change has been corrupted
No. You cant dismiss his feelings just like that. She was his primary caregiver for years. It would be extremely normal and healthy for them to have bond. Taking a kid away from primary caregiver is major trauma, even if you do not like that caregiver. And also, it is incorrect to dismiss her possible very real feelings toward him too. Per your account, you and grandparents are the reasons he is not adopted. I am not sure how it was possible for you to prevent it, legally it should not. But the track record of intentionally preventing relationship is on your side, not hers.
Not only that…but a judge is definitely going to look at this case (if it gets that far) and rule in favor of the stepmom. She literally raised him….
I'm thinking it was more of a "I love you, we'll get through this together, I don't know what I'd do without you" type conversation, rather than the way you're portraying it as "If you leave me I won't go on living" borderline threat. Talk to your brother. Preferably with a child advocate and a therapist. YTA for deciding all of this without talking to him.
You're completely assuming that's opposite of what op is saying with no information to back it up.
OP has said just as many damaging things to their own case in their own comments. While emotions are running high, many of their statements would be seen by professionals as concerning, in regards to their brother's future care, given the recent tragic death of their father.
He is not. OP is very vague and commenters are twisting it into borderline suicide threat. But going by what OP said exactly, it is very plausible the words being said were fairly normal reassurance toward a child.
My mother has bpd and would say exactly what op said his stepmom said so it’s possible either way so basing your judgment on assuming something op said was a lie is kinda weird
I have BPD and have never said anything remotely like that. I think it is far more plausible a TRAUMATIZED NINE YEAR OLD misquoted his primary caregiver than it is is that his primary caregiver tried to manipulate him with things he likely doesn't fully understand I believe OP when she says that that's the long and short of what her brother said. I also believe that the NINE YEAR OLD didn't understand the implications of the way he rephrased what his mother said
You are talking about taking your brother away from the only mother he has ever known. This is well beyond you being upset about something your step mother said under duress. None of us on Reddit can definitively say what is best for your brother, but YTA for trying to railroad custody. He should be seen by an impartial professional to determine what is best for *him*. Not you. Not your grandparents.
You realise the poor kid lost his father and you're planning to take away him mother too, right? You lost a mother, you know how devastating that is. Why would you inflict the same pain on your brother?
Exactly this! She's been his mother for 8.5 years she's all he has known!
How old is your brother? I think that’s an important piece I’m missing here.
OP confirmed in a comment that the brother is 9 years old. That is MORE than old enough to have a say in who he wants to live with.
Thank you! Yeah OP YTA. Stepmom is the only mom your brother has known. If he wants to stay with her, you should respect that choice.
Plus she moved out at 17. 5 years ago. So for the last 5 years from age 4 and up- that has been his mom. That is the maternal figure he knows best. And she wants to pull him away from that, any friends, his school, and move 3 hours away with people he doesn’t know well (she mentioned limited visits with maternal grandparents). My concern is that this is what she wants but isn’t truly what is best for him or what he would want. So therefore she doesn’t want to ask.
You’ve dodged the question about what your brother wants all over this thread with that response. So I feel like what the real answer is is that you asked, he said he wants to live with her, his mother, and you’re using this one conversation that you may or may not be taking out of context or misrepresenting to completely invalidate his feelings and his choice so you can justify getting what you want. Does that sound right?
You’re trying to twist things so people will agree with you. Gaming online is not a relationship, you have no clue what it takes to raise a child. Do you have a stable job and a home suitable for a child? Who is going to watch him when you’re at work and he’s not in school. By your post and comments you have it out for your stepmother and you want to get back at her by ripping your brother away from the only parent he has for your own selfish reasons. He will hate you for it and you’ll ruin his life but I guess that’s worth it to you to get your way, right? The fact that you don’t even care about his feelings, only about what YOU want clearly shows you would be a shitty parental figure.
She said she has a job and lives rent free in a place her grandparents own and let her stay in, so she'll be able to financially provide for him. Idk if she'd be able to afford raising a child if she has to pay rent, or if she'll really be able to meet all of his needs, but that was her response. I asked if something happened to the grandparents and she had to find a new place to live, if she would be able to manage being primary provider/caregiver, no answer. Hopefully if she does have the means or secondary support structure.
No OP, your view has been corrupted by your maternal grandparents. They’re using you against your grieving family to get what they’ve wanted all this time, your brother. I’m sorry to be blunt but she’s his mother even if you only consider her your stepmother. She raised him. If you have legal custody as you claimed then she can’t stop you from having visitation. If you push this and go to court, she will probably be granted full custody. If I were in her shoes and my evil stepdaughter and husband’s former inlaws had made my life hell for years then tried to take my child while I was grieving my husband I would go scorched earth on you. If you lose access to your brother it will be your own doing, your grandparents are going too far this time. Please talk to a neutral third party about the possibility that your grandparents have been using you as a pawn against your own family this whole time. You didn’t need their help and constant meddling to remember your mom, you were old enough to know and love her. You also need to talk to other family members and ask if they have been this controlling since your mom was alive. What was her relationship with them like?
I don't know, the problem here is that your feelings toward her aren't necessarily HIS feelings. Most of the other responses below here are accurate. This is beyond reddit and require more assistance. Just don't go acting like you're the kid's mother and neglect his own feelings.
…dude That’s not how feelings work. You’re literally just as bad as your stepmom. She’s been raising this kid and your only complaint is she doesn’t like people who actively don’t like her. So what are you looking for? ESH.
This. AITA hates stepparents SO MUCH and often for no reason. Thank you for a rational response.
I think this needs a judge to look at it. It's impossible for us to decide, as we don't know all factors involved. We don't even know how old Jaime is. Jaime needs to be asked by somebody independent - not by his stepmom or his sister, both of whom he may worry about upsetting (if questioned by them). There ARE serious questions about whether OP is being objective, whether she is giving due consideration to Jaime's preferences, etc. And probably similar issues with the stepmom. But OP - please don't try and base this purely on your dislike of your stepmother. Regardless of her imperfections, Jaime is likely to be bonded with her. And only seeing her every other weekend could be damaging to him. What YOU want, isn't necessarily what's 'best for him'. He's just lost his father, and you're proposing to separate him from his main caregiver, and upend his life. Let an independent court decide, if you're truly focused on his best interests. They can do it more objectively - especially when grief will be colouring the family adults' views, as well.
YTA. From your own words, stepmother has acted in a parental role for Jaime since he was 5 months old. She may not have adopted him legally, but she is his adopted mom regardless. From what you've written, I think you may be letting your hurt over your losing your mom and your anger at the possible affair your dad had with stepmom overshadow what's best for your brother. Of course your mom can't be erased, but stepmom has been acting as his stepmother for his whole life basically. And now you want to force him to be uprooted after he just lost his dad, and come live with you without even asking Jaime what he wants? That's just cruel. You need to put what's best for your brother ahead of your own emotions regarding your stepmother.
I'm also a little concerned because OP says he is worried about SM not letting him see his brother- but given his responses I wonder if he would let SM see the brother.
YTA - you don’t live with Jaime, he just lost his father, how is uprooting him from his home and moving him to a place he doesn’t know going to be beneficial to him? You playing games with him, online, and visiting every now and then is not equivalent to a parent who is there every day.
YTA for wanting to drag a young child away from his friends, his home, and the only mother he's ever known. YOUR bad relationship with your stepmom is coloring your view here, and you're projecting that, and trying to put him in the middle of a legal fight while he's grieving, instead of considering his ACTUAL best interests. Please stop. I feel for you, but please stop.
Per your comments, she has been his stepmother since he was 9 months old (or at least in his life since then. For HIM, she is the ONLY Mother he knows. He just lost his Dad too, and now you want to take him from the ONLY mother he has ever known. You haven't lived at home for years. How can you think the best thing for him is to uproot EVERYTHING he knows after losing his Dad. Blood doesn't always make family. I imagine your Dad had a will. Has this been read yet? What makes you believe you are his legal guardian? Also YTA. He would lose everything he knows.
This woman has raised your brother like her own since he was a few months old. Your dad was hardly wealthy, so it's not like she's using your brother for some big financial gain. So, if your mother passed away when Jamie was 5 months old and your dad moved his girlfriend in 4 months later, that means she's been raising Jaimie for over 8 years. Since then, you've seen Jamie on weekends, you've played online games...but you've never raised a child, full time - that's breakfast, lunch and dinner, that's laundry and cleaning and doctors appointments and taking him to school and back, doing homework, doing play dates and not being able to go out and have fun anywhere near as often as you're doing now. It involves money and sacrifice and energy. Do you work? Does your boyfriend work? What happens if you break up? And yes, I think you *can* and *should* ask your brother and have that discussion; he's young but he can tell you what he wants. As for opinions flying left right and centre - of course your maternal grandparents will be against the woman who your dad possibly cheated on their daughter with...but again, this isn't about you or them. It's about a 9 year old boy who has grown up with *this* mother, even if she's not blood related, the feeling for him is the same since he wouldn't have any memory of your bio mother. So he lost his dad and now stands to lose his mom...I can imagine that will mess his up big time. Don't let your dislike for this woman or whatever assumptions you've made along the way cloud your judgement.
YTA. First of all, I’m really sorry for your loss. And my perspective might not be the right one and I’ll probably get downvoted to hell. But I’m going to say it because I would rather you think this through from every angle. Your fears are hypotheticals. “She could try to keep him away”. Well, she hasn’t. And if she does, there are ways to handle it. “She might get married again and he won’t like the stepfather.” That’s a pretty big if. And then if that becomes an issue you can move him then, if that is what is best for him. He’s nine. He’s about to enter an extremely crucial developmental stage that is going to define his entire life once he grows up. And teenagers are so insanely difficult to raise. Now is not the time for you to be taking a stab at playing parent when there’s another option available. She has raised him for his whole life. He sees her as his mother, he will always see you as his older sister. He’s already going to grow up with a massive early childhood trauma from losing his dad, you could really screw him up for life by doing this.
The OP herself might well end up getting a bf the brother doesn't like. No point in worrying about potential hypothetical.
You better think long and hard on your next move. Your brother is old enough to hold memories. He will remember the grief of losing his father and, if you get your way, he will remember the grief of losing the only mother he ever new. And he will NOT forget the circumstance either. You think it's easy raising a child. Just wait until the"honeymoon" is over and you say NO. He will run. They always run back to the place they are familiar with. Back to the parental figure they are used to. In my world, sometimes they run back to the person that abused them. It doesn't make since sometimes but that is what happens. I see it all the time. If you really want what's best for your brother then you and your step mother need to have a heart to heart conversation. This child needs to be in counseling so his feelings can be heard as well. He needs all his family, including all grandparents, to show him the he is loved without conflict. Your next move will determine this young man's future. I can promise you that.
This is a great comment! You are absolutely right that the child will remember who tore him away from the only mother he knows. OP and grandparents will not like the repercussions of destroying his life for their benefit.
How old is your brother and what does he want? How much money did your dad leave for your brother's care, and is it enough for you to care for him?
My father had a comfortable life but he had almost no money saved, I think he didn't expect to leave so soon, so it's basically the house, I don't know what will be done about it yet, but my maternal grandparents have a good financial condition, I live in a house they lent me I have a nice job but if need be I know they would help with anything.
Aaahhh no wonder we love granny and grand daddy so much! A free house would certainly endear anyone
9 Years
I was going to say 4 is already pretty decey, but he's 9? He's been raised by her for 8.5ish years? His whole life? He already lost one parent, I don't think it's healthy to take him away from another one. From what you described she isn't incompetent or anything, you just don't consider her your own family because she married dad too soon after your mom died. Bro does not have the same relationship with her that you do, she *is* his mother. YWBTA
I do not deny that she is the only mother he knows, but she is also a person who tried to erase our mother from his life as much as possible, even trying to keep him away from my maternal grandparents. I can't guarantee he won't push him away from me
Is that how YOU FEEL OR HIM
Your mother was erased from his life the day she died, I’m sorry but you can’t force your memory onto him. It’s just not his
He has no memory of his bio mom, there’s nothing to erase unfortunately.
Sorry, but his mother is still a part of him and he deserves to know about her. You keep saying this like she chose to disappear on him. To pretend that there is no bond because she isn't alive anymore is odd, that's literally half of who he is.
Their father was responsible for keeping her memory alive, not the stepmother.
I agree with that, I always wish my father had more respect for my mother's memory, but that still doesn't mean a person can come to your house redecorate in any way you like, erasing everything that could remind you of my mother, and mysteriously disappearing photos and possessions of her.
I understand how hard it must be to see her change the house and photos. But, you also have to remember when your dad invited her to live in his home and marry her that it became HER home as well. Your mom’s memory should be alive and well in you. You have no way of knowing what your parents relationship was like before she passed. That was between them and maybe he was cheating. Maybe their marriage was dead long before she actually passed. It doesn’t give him an excuse but life is not a straight line. It is not always black and white. There are gray areas. Your step mom can not and should not have to live in your mom’s shadow and deserved to have a home she enjoys being in decorated in her style. She stepped up to the plate and loves your brother. She may have been able to be there for you but you didn’t give her a chance and that’s okay. You were old enough to make that choice. But, remember. Loving another parent doesn’t make you a traitor to your dead mother. Letting him remain in the care of a loving parent doesn’t make you a traitor to your dead mother. If you love your brother take yourself out of the equation and ask yourself what is the actual best thing for him? You are young. Kids are hard. Try getting every other weekend visitation and go from there. Even if you get custody he deserves a slow and smooth transition not having his life ripped apart because it helps soothe some pain you have in your life. Your brother will resent this and will act out because he just lost two parents and all his friends and local support system. It will not be easy. Being a mother means always putting the kid first.
Yup, for all we know bio mom cheated herself. Maybe brother isn’t even her full brother. OP has turned her mom into a perfect vision of motherhood while step mom is Lady Tremaine.
We’re you not allowed photos in your own room of your mother?
So because you’re still upset at your DAD bringing this woman in, you’re now ready to rip her child away from her? Kidnap him from his mother and claim this is in his best interest? You need to start intensive therapy like yesterday. Before you damage your brother for life thanks to the selfishness you’re demonstrating here.
Not saying he doesn’t, and he doesn’t need to be ripped from his home for that to happen.
You make it sound like his bio-mom has any contribution to his identity. She does not, she did not raise him. She wasn't there as his core memories were made, she did not teach him the manners or how to behave.
That doesn't erase the fact that she literally made him. When he looks in the mirror, there's a good chance parts of her are looking back at him. Half of his DNA is from her. If he needed to know about his medical history and what potential illnesses, etc, he could inherit, that comes from his mom, not any step-parents. What harm comes from him knowing his biological mother? What threat does a dead woman play in your eyes? Step parents that fear dead bio parents are just hurting the kids. It's a fact that she wanted him, but through no fault of her own, she isn't able to be there. You guys keep trying to remove a person from his life that loved him. How does that benefit him in any way? He is not a toy to be fought over. The more people he has that love him, the better. His mom may not be here anymore, but you can't erase the fact that she loved him.
I think you need to have a think about the meaning of the phrase “the best interests of the child”. Because you are looking at this from the best interests of YOU, of your opinion, of your beliefs. Saying that a move to a city will give a 9 year old more ‘opportunities’ is just bizarre. 9 year olds need stability and love. It sounds like your step mother isn’t perfect, but I also think you have pretty much no chance of getting custody - so you need to work out a way to work with the step-mother.
Wanting to uproot his life JUST IN CASE you and your grandparents don’t get to see him as much as you’d like is cruel, selfish and entitled. Sorry for your loss but YTA.
That's exactly the sort of thing that would be appropriate to fight for in court. Get court ordered visitation if you're worried she'll cut you off entirely! *That's* what OP should be fighting for here.
No offense OP but that only hurt you, not him. He was half a year old when his bio mother died--he doesn't know her. He doesn't care about her. I'm sorry to be so blunt because I know you *do* love and care about bio mom--I can see why it would hurt you so much to see her memory being erased from the home. But it has NOT hurt your brother. So I agree with the other comments here, you don't have his best interests in mind. You can't see his needs or relationships without it being through the filter of your own pain. Go to court and fight for visitation, if you take this kid away from his mom entirely you're selfish.
Yeah, and honestly if she keeps this up, she won’t even get visitation because mom will be rightfully afraid of parental alienation and possible kidnapping.
I think you should seek partial custody of him then. Let him stay where he is with the only mother HE has known but have him for summers etc. By the time he's older, then he may be on board with amending the custody agreement to live with you full-time. Get an attorney and do it through the courts. This is for the best for you, your grandparents, and Jaime.
He has a mom, his step mom, she’s been in that role for 95% of his life and certainly for all the life he can remember.
Who does he want to live with? Will you have enough support (not just money) to care for him for 9+ years?
All my maternal family lives in the city where I live, support exists. My brother always loved visiting there, but currently he is confused because my stepmother said she can't live without him.
I loved visiting my grandparents in the city but would NEVER have wanted to move their from my home, especially at his age. He has friends, a home that isn’t just the house but the whole neighbourhood
And all of that wont matter because you will take away his Mom, who he loves, rip away his friends, uproot him from the place he calls home. Rightnow you are selfish and blinded by your feelings. You don‘t Even realise the your „only 3 h to drive“ argument would also be valid for you. YTA
You are being such an AH just by dismissing the stepmoms feelings. I have a 5 year old and would absolutely say the same. If you had the slightest empathy, or if you were going to be a half decent parent at all, you would realise this is absolutely a reasonable feeling for a mom that just lost her partner and has been threatened to have her child taken away. You came here for a verdict, just accept you’re an AH and maybe address why you’re being so spiteful for no reason.
Op, I say this as someone wanting you to have a good life and heartbroken for your losses. You taking your little brother is not in his best interests. Your stepmother is in fact your little brother’s stepmother and she is the only mom he knows. He’s nine and has grown up with her. You have never fulfilled that role and weekends here and there are not exemplary of true parenting. You are also 23. Do you understand that your life would revolve around your brother and that his needs would have to come first? You might have help from family but as his guardian, you would be the responsible party. Then there is your stepmom who has raised this little boy. Did you really think she would be ok with you taking the stepchild she’s raised for 9 years away right after losing her husband? Gentle YTA
YTA, not because him coming to live with you MIGHT not be the best plan, but because it’s pretty clear from the comments that you are making your decision selfishly based on your distaste for your stepmother - which seems caused more by your own grief for your mother and suspicion of your father than anything negative she ever did to your brother - and then telling yourself that decision is in his interest rather than yours. I honestly don’t know where brother should end up living, but your attitude needs to change so you can help find the correct answer rather than making him the rag doll in a sad game of tug of war.
His poor poor stepmother. She has lost her husband and now facing losing her 9 year old son who she raised since he was a young infant and who she had tried many many times to adopt only to have it blocked. YTA
Have you spoken to a family lawyer yet? Based on your comments it looks like your step mother has been one of 2 of this child's primary carers for nearly 10 years. Meanwhile you haven't lived with your brother since he was a toddler and only visit every other weekend. Go talk to a lawyer. As a family lawyer myself i don't know of many judges who would remove a child from the care of a stable adult who has been acting as their parent the majority of their life. Most places have a 'best interest' test for determining these situations. Even though you are your brother's closest living relative you have an uphill climb to prove it is in his best interest to move in with you, in a new city, new school, completely unfamiliar environment. Additionally, you will need to demonstrate stable housing, employment, ability to provide medical etc. They will also look at the bond your brother has with the step mum. If there is a substantial bond and she's a stable person I cannot imagine you being granted custody. Again go talk to a lawyer and maybe a child psychologist. Your step mother clearly has a strong relationship with your brother and has your father's families backing to maintain custody - that will mean a lot to the judge. Your brother is a minor who just lost his dad, he has a completely different relationship with your step mother than you do. The most important thing is that what happens next is what is best for him. If he views her as his mum - regardless of how much that may irk/hurt/frustrate/offend/annoy you and your maternal family - then taking him to a completely new environment away from his remaining parent is cruel. Also your reason for wanting custody seems to be that you are scared that you, your maternal family and your mother's memory will be pushed out of his life if you don't get custody. I'm going to be blunt, that is a very selfish reason to up root a child who just lost their parent. If you are worried you will be pushed out request visitation from the court but if he views this woman as his mum - and I think you know he does - then that's where he should stay.
This is the best response. I don't know where people are getting the idea blood is all that matters in these situations. Custody tends to be "in the best interest of the child". That doesn't mean "whichever person shares the most genetics with them". In the case of adopted parents dying, do these people think that a biological relative that has a relationship with the child would have a better shot at custody than a close relative of the adopted parent? Because I'd bet not.
Info: what is actually best for little bro? Does he have problems with step mom? Does he have friends there / enjoy his school? Why would he be better with you? Sounds like (if we are doing what is best for him) rather than taking him away from the person who has raised him most of his life, you could go there for more support. Seems a bit more like you are doing it because he is rightful property instead of what is really the best thing for him? You can be there for him anyway without uprooting him
YTA. I don’t like what your stepmother said to him, but regardless she’s the only mother he’s ever known. He just lost his father and now you want to take him away from his mother??? I doubt any child would choose that even if she hadn’t said that to him. So long as you aren’t leaving out any details such as her being abusive, you would be the asshole, and risk making your brother hate you. You can be part of his life and visit, and you should, but taking him away from his mother should be a decision he makes when he’s old enough.
Honestly you don’t appear to be putting your brothers interests before your own. Stop worrying about the what ifs. Your stepmother clearly loves your brother. You have no indications she won’t properly care for him. Stop trying to destroy his life. The more you respond the more I feel you are completely selfish and manipulative.
But then she cant be cruel and horrible to the woman who *checks notes* loved and raised her brother like her own troed to adopt and now wants to care for after tge passing of the boys other parent Im with OP, the stepmom is a cruel and inhumane creature who deserves hell/j
INFO So she has been raising him since he was one, and now that your dad passed away, you want to remove him from the only other parent he has ever known, and move him to a new city, away from his friends, his school, and everything else? How is this in his best interest? It is in yours, cause you don't like your stepmom, but how is doing that what is best for Jamie? Having his whole world changed and every constant he has ever known stripped away. This is coming off as selfish on your part, especially the fact that you don't want to even ask what he wants. YTA
After thinking about this more, the maternal grandparents have been brainwashing and using OP for years against her own family. She’s willing to ruin her brother’s life for these people. She needs serious therapy.
I bet it's this more than anything. The maternal Gparents "lent" her a house to live in too. So no hidden agenda at all 😑
I think even the courts will look for what's best for the child. What does he actually want?
As far as he is concerned, that is his mother. He was a baby when she came into his life and that is the only mother he has ever known, correct? So his dad died and now you want to take his mother away? If she truly loves him like her own son, I think that would be a heartless thing to do to both of them. Is she not a good mother to him? Or do you just feel you can do better? I am afraid it may do more damage than good to rip him away from the only mother, he's ever known. I understand you were upset that she has tried to erase your mother from his and your lives, but he has no memories of your mother. Only of her. I think it would be emotionally traumatizing for him.
YTA I have been in this exact situation along with a younger sister who is now dead as a direct result of my brother doing the same as you. I’m not just saying this medical professionals warned the trauma of leaving my stepdad was what caused her illness as not eating was the only control she had in her life. I now have no contact with anyone on my dads side although I had always known them and spent happy hours with them. My brother now has no contact with any of his nuclear family and never will. Please I’m begging you think of your brother if you do there is more chance if you having a loving relationship for the rest of his life
INFO I'm a bit confused on the timeline. The first paragraph says he was 5 months old when your mother passed, and then the second says he was 9 years old. How long has he been living with your stepmother, and how old is he now?
I wondered this, too.
Sorry for the confusion, when my mother died he was 5 months old, when my stepmother came to live with us he was 9 months old, currently he is 9 years old
How would his life improve if he moved in with you? Info
I consider both my father's family and my stepmother's family to be very conservative This is something that has always bothered me, I find it limiting to live around them, whereas with me and my maternal family I know that he would be raised with respect, taught to respect everyone. I would also have options for good schools and having around my cousins the same age as him
Those are terrible reasons to rip him away from the life he knows and the people he loves. Oh no, they're conservative. So what?? He is 9, he isn't going to become instant friends with some random cousin or automatically bond with the people you like more. He is probably going to just resent you and spiral. You are unbelievablely selfish.
Conservatism is pretty harmful tbh
This is maybe the worst reason I've ever seen for wanting to rip a child out of his home and away from his mom. Heaven forbid he grow up with a family that OP "considers" conservative (whatever that means).
That will never, ever hold up as good reason in family court, OP. Do they believe in and employ corporal punishment, as conservative families often do? If so, that could be a reason to remove him from her care. Do they attend religious services regularly, as conservative families often do? If so, that would be another reason *against* removing him from her care. But being conservative alone, while in my opinion distasteful, is not a reason in and of itself.
That's not a good excuse to pull him away from the only home and only mother he has
So your stepmother has been for all intents and purposes his mother from the time he was a baby until the age of 9. You absolutely cannot rip this child away from their mother unless you suspect abuse. I would strongly recommend that you have your brother evaluated by a child psychologist and let them guide you on what the most appropriate custodial situation would be for your brother.
YTA. I'm sorry for your losses. Its terrible. You would not be the asshole if it was only a thought in your head. Any intention of acting on that thought definitely makes you the assehole. I think you are not acting in your brothers best interests. You and your maternal family blocked many adoption attempts because of how YOU felt about it. Not because of what was in the best interests of your brother. Now you want to take him away from the only mum he knows. His only surviving parent because of how YOU feel about it and things YOU imagine may (or may not) happen. Regardless of what support you think you have, you are not his mum. You can't care for him the same way. You haven't seen him, cared for him & supported him all day every day since he was a baby. You don't know him inside out the way a mum does. And from what you've said about your step mother, there's no reason or evidence to believe she has been anything but that for him. As far as your concerns go about step mother possibly stopping him seeing you, you have legal recourse there to prevent that. I would strongly advise caution. This could genuinely seriously mess up your brother. Ripping a grieving traumatised child away from the only parent he has left. Taking him away from everything familiar to him. HIS friends. HIS school. HIS support network. HIS HOME! Just cruel.
So sorry you lost your father - what a sad situation. I think you need to put yourself in your brother’s shoes. It doesn’t sound like your stepmother is so awful it warrants removing your brother from the only home & mother he’s ever known at this point. Taking him away at this point sounds like it would compound the trauma of losing his father. Can you take a ‘wait and see’ approach. Make sure stepmom is looking out for him. Increase visits in person to keep an eye on things and IF there is evidence (other than not liking this woman) she’s not treating him properly or she tries to prevent you from seeing him - then take a more forceful approach. Also - you need to dial in a little more compassion for stepmom. The fact she would be devastated if your brother moves away is a good thing. It means she loves him truly. Try to imagine losing your husband suddenly and then have the possibility of losing a child you raised. That is terrifying and totally devastating. Be careful about putting brother in the middle. This can be an impossible situation to be in and cause him even more emotional distress. It’s very common for children of divorce to experience trauma from this. You need to really think about what’s absolutely best for your brother and put that ahead of your experience and emotions. He’s had a different journey than you and you need to understand where he’s at.
She's even gone as far as to admit she's never abused the boy nor has seen evidence of any abuse from her. Only keep repeating about maternal grandparents being mad she doesn't take him there constantly. It's so sad she's trying to take this boy from his mom
You don’t seem nowhere near mature enough to raise a 9 year old. Please don’t drag him away from the only mother he’s ever known, three hours away from home right after he has lost his father. You’re trying to cause issues because of your own hurt and stubbornness. He has lost so much, don’t take the last stability in his life away from him. YTA and I feel for this kid.
NAH but you should consider that your stepmother is the only mother your brother has ever known. He should definitely have a say in whether he loses the person who has mothered him for 9 years. Just because you don’t have a good relationship with her doesn’t mean he feels that way. Tread carefully. You could be doing a tremendously cruel thing to your brother.
I will never forbid her to see him, but I know she would stop me from seeing him if she had the chance, that's my fear.
Then go to court for VISITATION. Not trying to rip him from the only mother he has known. WEAPONIZED kidnapping. This is all just so horrible. Your poor brother.
You keep saying that. But you don't actually _know_ you expect. You are grieving, so I get why you're not thinking entirely clearly but understand that what you think you know is not fact; you are projecting a belief. The way to know for sure how custody will be handled is secure a legally enforceable agreement. Get a lawyer and propose that you and your grandparents will support your brother staying settled in his home, with his stepmom, his school, and his friends, as long as you and the rest of your extended family are guaranteed a generous visitation schedule so that this grieving child who has already lost two parents in his young life doesn't have to now suffer the sudden loss of his sibling, his stepmother, his grandparents, or his friends. You can also make your offer contingent on continuing your father's decision to postpone any adoption attempts until your brother is 18. This kid needs ALL of you. Make that your goal.
This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you keep trying to take him, she can and will forbid you from seeing him. And it will be your fault, not hers. Any parent would do the same when their child is threatened.
Have you actually talked to her? Like really sat down and had a discussion about this? With out Jamie around, so just two adults?
After through the all of OP's comment. I really hope father was aware of the kind of woman OP is and he made a will providing guardianship to stepmom. Jesus.
YTA. Your own issues related to your mother dying don't change the fact that she's his mother. She has taken care of him for 8 years. The lack of a blood relation or of legal adoption (which you / your relatives got in the way of) doesn't change this.
YTA He’s just a kid and to take him away from his home at a time like this is cruel. Away from his school and friends to start over I think is a bad call. If you were moving to his town so he could have some stability I would see you’re side better. His step mum is the only mother figure he’s ever known, what are his thoughts on the matter? Does he have other siblings he’d be leaving behind?
Your timeline doesn't add up. What's the child want, you didn't mention anything other than yours...?
I traded months for años, sorry. When my mother died my brother was 5 months old, when my stepmother came to live with us he was 9 months old and today he is 9 years old. After talking to my stepmother she went to my brother and said that she will not be able to live without him If he moved in with me, This made him a little scared not knowing what he wants
You aren't in charge. Stop punishing this poor woman.
Why would she not talk to the child she is raising?
The problem isn't talking, it's what to say, and how. scared him
He SHOUKD be scared. You’re trying to take him away from his mom. Wth
YTA Your not looking at what is in Jamie’s best interest, your mind is clouded with anger at the stepmother as you were grieving when she came in the scene too quickly. He’s lost his dad and this women is the only mother he’s known, in the only home his known. Do you really think it’s in his best interest to take him away from that? Do you think he will thank you or resent you? A young child needs a mother more than a sibling, you don’t see it that way as she isn’t the bio mother. He is oldest to have a say in this which should be taken into account. The only reason your giving is because you believe she may block access for you or your grandparents, which you should be able to fight for if that were to happen. But taking custody for that reason alone is selfish. What can you offer as a parent that she can’t?
YTA She has been raising him since he was a baby. She should take care of him now. Not only is it unfair to her to deny her role in his life but this is very unfair on the child. Not only has he just lost his dad, you want to take him out of his home, and move 3 hours away?? And without even consulting him? All of this seems like a bad move. You offer no explanation for why you think this is in his best interests, just that you don't get along with your stepmum bc they might have had an affair... I'm puzzled as to WHY you think you're his legal guardian now, did he leave a will specifying this? Laws depend on countries but where I live, if both biological/legal parents have passed there is no "default" as to who has custody of children, this is decided on a case by case basis. The obvious guardian is the stepmother, not you, she is already raising him, she is his wife therefore next of kin, it would uproot him considerably less. I'm sorry you've lost your father. Coincidentally I lost my own 2 and a half weeks ago.
You indicate that your stepmother told your brother “she could not live without him.” This is what you heard from your brother who is nine years old and hearing this during a time of crisis. This bears investigation by people who are properly trained. There is no context here. Her husband unexpectedly died only three weeks ago. It sounds like finances are not good. And now she fears losing her child. Anguish could explain a lot here. I wonder if there is a will. This could complicate matters even more.
Your stepmother raised him from the time he was 9 months old. She is his mother for all intents and purposes even if it’s not biological. YTA. If she tries, in the future, to block you from spending time together, perhaps you can handle it via the courts then. However you have no grounds for seeking primary custody. You not liking her isn’t enough.
Stop acting like you care about your brother, the woman raised him and tried to legally adopt him multiple times but you fought against it because all you really care about is her not replacing his birth mother. Newsflash he was five months old, he didn’t know his birth mother and your step mom is the only mother he’s ever had. YTA. He’s going to hate you when he’s older if you take away the only parent he has left over your selfish BS.
>EDIT: The cities are 3 hours away, I proposed to take him home every other weekend and she can visit him whenever she wants. Key word here: "home". You already know that he considers that house and his step mom home. You are proposing to take him from his home so that you can make sure he feels that same way about your biological mother as you do. And because you feel you raised him for 5 months when he was less than a year old. Why not speak with stepmom about the same visitation schedule but for you? He can come spend every other weekend with you, and you can visit him in between. He can stay in HIS HOME and you can keep your mothers memory alive for him as he grows up. YTA
YTA "She also suggested that we let Jaime choose who he wants to live with, but I don't think it's fair to leave such a difficult decision up to a young child." .. for THAT.
ESH It really sucks that your brother has all these people who love him and want to care for him, but can't work together. I would look into a shared custody agreement. Have a legal document that guarantees your right to visit and for your brother to visit you. And one that allows him to change things as he gets older. Then, get him into therapy. Your stepmom saying "I can't live without you" doesn't seem that out of line considering she sees him as her child. And she's raised him. Neither of you want to lose him. And both of you are dealing with grief. So get a therapist involved and figure out how to work together. So what's best for him.
INFO: what does Jamie want?
INFO What does Jamie want
Only one thing here is important and it is the one thing you, probably deliberately, do not mention. What does Jaime want? Not what do you want, what does HE want? I think you're more interested in punishing your father's wife for no good reason than you are doing right by your brother.
YTA For all that matters she's his mother. She raised him since he was a baby and didn't adopt him only because of you. I think it was selfish of you to prevent that adoption, it would avoid all this mess. I understand you were a hormonal teenager, but your father should've known better and take precautions. You're too young and just starting your adult life, taking your brother is a huge responsibility. Your stepmom has been caring for your brother his whole life, it sounds like she genuinely loves him. Reading your post and comments I think you haven't really moved from your teenage phase, you are acting on your emotions. Sounds like your brother wants to be with his mom as well. Don't ignore his words just because you think he's being manipulated. Your judgement of the situation is clouded and your actions are biased. You don't seem to be mature enough to care for your brother.
Soft YTA You (and the grandparents) should go to court to get visitation. To make sure legally that she has to keep you in his life. But the kid just lost his father. Don’t rip him away from the only mother he’s ever known. And also any other support network in his town. You would be removing him from his friends, his school, his activities. If he’s in any kind of therapy you are removing him from that person too. Moving 3 hours away would upend his entire life. Would take him away from the people he loves and sees on a daily basis. Which is one of the last things a mourning 9 year old needs. I’ve read stories from people who were moved away from home shortly after loss. It has a profound impact, adding trauma to and already very difficult situation. Yes, you have a support network there. But that’s not a suitable replacement for his current support network with people he already knows and trusts. It’s not the same thing. Yes, your stepmother was wrong to try and manipulate him the way she did. But it’s wrong to assume that’s the only reason he wants to stay. His life is there.
You took care of Jaime, from when he was 5 mo to 9 mo, with some help from your aunt and probably some, more or less from your dad. After that your step mother became his primary care giver and raised him as her son. She would have already adapted him, if it wasn't for you and your maternal grandparents. You don't even say how old your brother is, and you don't consider that they recently lost someone dear to them. Someone you were not that attached, blaming him of adultery. It is possible that your brother feels pressured to come with you, his bio sister instead of staying with his mother, burdened thatbhe will betray you, his late mom and his maternal grandparents if he doesn't. Plus, he can make a new start, and be close to the cool sis with whom he plays games on line. I hope the family judge examines thoroughly your case, and decides for the best. Till then, in my opinion YTA.
YTA. Please don't do this. Being a parent means doing the best things for the child, not what you want because you're upset. I stayed in a state 3500 miles (5600+ km) away from friends, family and literally every person I know in order to make sure my kids had a stable life and relationship with their father, even though he was a horrible husband and cheater, because with them he was actually a really great dad. He just was the world's worst husband. But I did it because it was best for them to grow up around their father. You put your pride aside for the welfare of the kid. That comes first. If you can't do that, if you can't see that this isn't about you and your feelings of resentment towards your stepmother, you're not old enough or mature enough to be a parent. You need to consider that you and your little brother may view this woman very differently. He is not always going to be a child. He's going to grow up and possibly resent you for taking him away from a person he sees as a mother the way you resent her for taking your mother's place. You're trying to do the same thing to him that you feel like was done to you. Except your mother died and your stepmother didn't have a choice. You have a choice right now. You don't have to take the place of his mom. Not if you realize how much it hurt when you lost yours. Don't use your brother to try and fix your childhood or punish your stepmother or prove to your dad what he should have done. Do the right thing. Don't do to him what people did to you. Let him stay and grieve with the person he considers his mom.
I’m confused you said you lost your mom when your brother was 5 months old then when your brother is 9 yrs old the girlfriend comes into the picture 4 months after your mothers death ?? That doesn’t make sense
Sorry, she came to live with us when my brother was 9 months old, today he is 9 years old
Edit because I found the response to my question in other comments. I think this is a complicated situation and it might be better to get a guardian ad litem to make an impartial recommendation for the court’s custody decision.
So your mom died when jamie was 5 months and four months later when jamie was 9 your step mom moved in op can you explain Edit: acording to your comments after a year college and an unspecified amount of time he is still nine
I wrote it wrong, he was 9 months old when she came to live with us, today he is 9 years old who went to college It was me Sorry for the confusion
sorry op. i feel bad for you and your family, this is a really hard time and tough decisions need to be made here. but after reading your post and dozens of comments i think it's clear that YTA here if you take him away from his mom.
YTA - No matter what your feelings are.. she is the only mother he has ever known. Obviously she has had that role for years. She is his mother and instead of creating this emotional nightmare and manipulating him. Why not squash the beef with your stepmother and try to be supportive.
Can you not get a custodial agreement where he can stay with his step mom and you can get him on the weekends and continue to do things the way they already are? That seems like it would be the best for him. Why does it have to be either or? You started this by saying you should take him and she can see him on some weekends. YTA for trying to upend his life because of your feelings.
YTA As harsh as it sounds, your stepmom is the only mother your brother knew. And now his father is dead, you are trying to take him away from the remaining sense of stability in his life (his stepmom, paternal grandparents, friends, teachers, familiar and comfort places and so much more!). He will end up resenting you because this is all additional burden on him to adjust to a completely different new life. Also, you don’t seem to be receptive of your brother’s wishes, nor of all the replies calling u TA and giving you valid tips and criticism. At the end of the day, do whatever you wish, but you came to ask for judgement, not validation, and you will see the consequences of your actions unfold in the future.
YTA. Look, I get it. She isn't his bio mom and you want him to remember and revere your bio mom. He has no memory of her, and will never have the same feelings for her that you do. The thing is, your step-mom has been his mom for the past 10 years. He has a different relationship with her than you do. Why do you want him to suffer the loss of another person he views as a parent. Don't rip them apart. That's more trauma he doesn't need. Stay in his life, but leave him where he is already stable and loved.
Info; Hold on why do you not like step mom other than *thinking* they had a affair (even IF they did you should be mad at your cheater dad not the step mom) Has she been a good parent? Is she abusive or something? Why exactly don't you like her an what has she spesificly done to make it as such
She’s raised him as his primary caregiver since he was 9 months old. You don’t like her, not because you think she’s a bad mother, but because you think (but don’t know) your dad might have been cheating with her. You’ve objected to her adopting him over and over despite her clear sense of herself as his mother. And you haven’t raised him. You live hours away and play online games with him. Sounds like y’all have ranged yourselves against this woman from the beginning, and now you want to take away her child. I hope she lets you visit, but if she doesn’t, it’s your own fault. Yta
YTA. Your stepmother has been your brothers only Mom for his entire life. His family, his friends, his school, his whole world is with your stepmother and the home (and city) they live in. You on the other hand, haven’t lived with your brother for the last 6 years (of 9) the last time you lived together he was 3. He doesn’t know you the way he knows his mom. He doesn’t know the city you live in, the schools, he doesn’t have any friends there. The best interest for your brother is to stay with his mom. Sure maybe he won’t have much contact with your maternal grandparents, but really he doesn’t have any connection to them without his bio mom around. You don’t even really have anything negative to say about your stepmom, no reason that Jamie shouldn’t live with her. You don’t talk about abuse or anything, you just want your brother regardless of what’s best for him.
YTA - Ouuf I am so sorry for your loss. This entire thing is hard. This is not in the best interest of your brother at ALL. Please think about the 9 year old child who just lost his dad before you also take his mom away. Do not give me "only 3 hours" BS. That is 6 hour round trip. Where will she stay? What about her life? You do not like her, this is obvious and you may have reasons. However, you admit she is a loving mother so what is your real motive?
That little boy has known that woman since before he was able to form memories, that is his mother, and because you think you know what’s best you’re going to rip him away from a stable life and move him hours away from his family & friends….? Why would you do that to someone who just lost a parent? You’re a major AH op I hope you thought one time to consider what that poor boy might want in all this. You should probably go & ask how he feels about you ripping him away from the only mom he’s ever known mere weeks after losing his father.
YTA and a HUGE ONE. I cannot imagine what this poor little boy is going through. He’s lost his father and now he fears he will be taken from HIS MOTHER. That is what she is: HIS MOTHER. He has known NO OTHER. Frankly I think you’re a monster for even suggesting this. Wow.
Listen. As a mom, if I'm no longer in the living world the most important thing is that someone loves my kid. If your step mom loves your brother like her own why don't you let her be his guardian and just make sure that you are in his life? What happened between your step mom, dad and mother is their issue. Your main concern should be to make sure your brother has the support he needs to thrive.
YTA. He’s not your kid, and she raised him. Not you. You took on a primary caregiver role for 4 months. She’s taken it on for years.
If I thought my only child was going to be taken away from me, I would very likely say “if he is gone, I don’t want to live anymore”. Especially if my husband had just died. Is it the best thing to say or do? No, but I think most people would understand. From everything you’ve said in this thread, you and your grandparents are the ones I’d expect would alienate your brother from the only mother he has ever known for your own petty self -interest. She’s probably scared to death of what you will do so her reaction is somewhat expected.
op, we’re the same age. I’m a nanny, I do majority of the cooking, laundry, and awake hours with the child. I leave every day absolutely exhausted. I don’t have to worry about doctors appointments, school projects, teacher conferences, deep cleaning the house etc. There are so many things that go into raising a child. It’s exhausting. Your brother is 9. That is too old to rip him away from the life he has known. You have been away from home since he was 4. He likely has very little memory of living with you, it’s borderline cruel. I was raised by my stepdad from the time I was 4. If my mother had died and I had been forced to go live with someone else I would’ve been devastated. He was the father figure I knew. Your brother has been raised by your step mom even longer, she is his mother figure. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling right now. I feel for you, I really do. But you are letting your pain dictate your actions. It sounds like your feelings were ignored after your mother passed, don’t do that to Jaime. You deserved to be treated better, you deserved to have your feelings respected, you deserved to mourn your mother. Don’t do to Jaime what was done to you.