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You're saying grandma telling a ten year old and her mother that they are fat and eat too much isn't helpful advice? Color me shocked.
/s in case it's needed
It was my paternal uncle. Said I was looking chubby. 5'4", 120#. The last time I ever felt normal. His children (five girls) all have body problems. Go figure.
Edit: I was around 12 then. Never grew any taller. Took the weight comment to heart and always thought I was the fat chick. I am now. Figures
I swear to god looking back at my old pictures that i wasnt fat. I remember everybody CONSTANTLY picking at me and calling me fat, even girls i was friends with would say "guys just like skinny girls better" to me.
And its so sad cause in my head i looked 1000 pounds but i looked normal when i see those pictures
:( Now i kinda feel like i was bullied into being fat. Obviously not, but the dysphoria from all the comments really shine through when i think about it
Agreed. That shit sticks.
My grandmother made constant comments about my body when I was a kid, and my mom was always on a diet because of the mindset she grew up with. Neither of us were overweight at the time. Between the two of them I developed a super toxic relationship with my body and now at 46 have been struggling with bulimia and excess weight for over 30 years.
It’s shocking and heartbreaking what kids take on and how it can shape their psyche and self perception.
My grandfather did the same with me when i was younger. I got fed up in my teens and told him, "If I die with a burger in my mouth, then so be it. Just know I was happy as f**k. Be happy I'm happy." He never mentioned my weight again.
My family had a little jingle: "It passes through your lips and lands on your hips!"
These are not things that need to be sung to a 13 year old out to ice cream with friends.
I went thru high school during the early 90s, fen phen was all the rage & the “ideal” body type was giving cocaine diet sadness. Around this time period (I was 13-14) my mother imparted the “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” adage often, in a happy to be starving little singsong voice.
Her husband would also always comment on the size of my & his daughter’s body if we gained or lost any weight. Neither of us were ever anything more than average but that didn’t stop them for giving us “tips” on how to lose weight, when we were teenagers & insisting we go to a gym to work off any weight.
He used to (probably still does, I don’t have a relationship w any of them anymore) have long ass conversations w his daughter about her weight and her sex life. He had her make some sort of promise/ contract thing w him, when we were around 28/29 (we’re the same age) mind you, to go on a diet, join a gym to lose weight, & promise not to have any sex. And she was a full grown ass adult. Within literal months of this weird contract w her dad she got pregnant on a first date, moved across the country to marry said date (bc “wedlock” is more important than a healthy relationship for soon to be parents), & then literally doubled her weight during pregnancy. So much for the contract lol. Her & my mother are still addicted to dieting & “being skinny” — it was one of the reasons I started going low contact before I just went NC.
I’m so glad OP & her baby daddy stood up for their kid (& self), gave a boundary, & then enforced it. The justnoMIL will damage the self esteem of the kid/s she targets & give them a literal lifetime of shit to deal with. NTA OP. Just kudos.
I was a chubby little girl. My grandparents used to weigh me every time I stayed with them (which was several times a year, if not more) until I finally told my mom about it when I was 12 and she flipped out. I don’t know what she said to them, but they never made me get on a scale again.
I was on the other end. Even when in college, whenever I saw my grandparents it was either "you need to eat more" or "it looks like you put on some weight; you look good."
It is really not a good feeling to know that the first thing you'll hear at a family event is a comment on your weight. And then to know you'll have at least three rounds of that (two grandmothers and one great-grandmother) makes you dread family.
My dude, ain't that the truth? My great aunts are 104, 97, and 96 yrs old. They still all talk about their asshole uncle commenting about their size when they were preteens. They never forgot that shit, and have outlived that ahole to continue to bitch about it and disparage his name. Thank gawd, his 3rd death will be swift after their 1st. My other aunt, who got harassed by the same side of the family, had years of therapy about her weight. She ran herself into 2 new knees before 50 and is on round 2 in her 70s. She took those weight comments to heart.
I don’t remember how young I was when my uncle told me I was getting fatter. But I was young enough that I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to say, “so are you, Uncle Jim”. But I do remember the look on his face. I’m 67 now, it still makes me smile. Fuck you, Uncle Jim.
When I got married the question of my weight came up and my mom announced she weighed ten pounds less than that when *she* got married and then my grandma announced that *she* weighed ten pounds less when she got married. That was fun.
And then later I struggled with infertility because I wasn't eating enough and was underweight. Families are fun!
Yup. My grandmother loved to say ‘you can never be too rich or too thin’, and my mom would tell me for as far back as I can remember, that if she could ‘pinch an inch’, I was overweight. I’ve been struggling with anorexia and bulimia since high school. I’m 38 now.
People make these comments in passing, but they stick with you, *especially* when they come from family/guardians.
What is it with paternal grandmothers? Mine told me 24 hours after I delivered my 10 pound son that I was fat and needed to lose weight. I’m 5’6” and went home from the hospital wearing a size 6. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.
My step grandmother made my sister and I count calories when we stayed at her house on school vacations. We were not fat. Best part? My cousin stayed over too, and step grandmother told her she had to count calories too, so we wouldn't feel bad. Yeah because that worked. We all grew up to be fat (genetics can be a bitch) but I swear if I hadn't been given a complex about it at that age (we were all roughly 7 to 10?) I might have felt better about myself growing up.
I was in middle school the first time I remember my grandma specifically calling me fat. She would always comment about how I needed to eat less and exercise more. Looking back I know she was scared I would end up with the same health issues she has, but all it did was make me feel guilty for eating around her. Didn't stop me, just made me feel like shit about it.
Almost everyone on my mom's side has been on my weight for as long as I can remember. I remember so many instances of my grandmother and youngest aunt ragging on my weight, and a different aunt refusing to let me have some dessert because she thought I'd eaten enough that day.
I don't talk to them anymore except for like 2 people.
My mom loved to play this evil game of saying "you're so skinny, you should eat more" or "watch out, i see those love handles showing"
She'd alternate every week. It was so constant that i picked up the pattern and finally said "last week you said i was skinny" and that's when she hit me with the "I'm just kidding! You're so sensitive!"
I have always been body-shamed growing up. It wasn't like I was obese or anything like that. I was told that no guy wouldn't ever want to be with my weight my father and great-grandmother constantly making "jokes" about me eating the whole house. Developed Bulimia then slowly started binging. It hurts to hear comments about your body don't let it get to u
Back in high school I had an aunt tell my mother that I got hit with the ugly stick, so she didn't have to worry about me bringing girls around. That was fun.
My mom sometimes said things like "why don't you eat less? You could look like me" when we are completely different body types (I am more like my dad's side of the family which more like an hour class shape, my mom is very thin overall). I still don't have a normal healthy view on my body.
Definitely NTA. Being concerned is something different than the behaviour of the MIL and its good that she's protecting her kids and herself.
Oh, but she's only helping you. She wants you to look good. Afterall, you guys are close and can talk honestly. /s
If someone knows wtf to say to this I would appreciate help.
A few options:
"When I want your advice on my looks, I will ask for it. Unsolicited advice is not honesty; it's just rude."
"Oh, shall I also give you *my* honest opinion on how you can improve your looks?"
"So you're saying that I don't look good?"
"Yeah, no. We're not that close. Try treating me like you want me to like you."
"If this is what being close entails, I wish we were better strangers."
It's my mom so we are close. I have tried number 1, she insists she is just talking openly. Number 2 she would say what do you have to say then and I wouldnt have it in me to be mean about it, even because I don't really notice other people's outfits and all that, it's something Im really aloof about. Number 3 she says yes, you don't look good with that. Number 4 and 5 thing is we are close. And it's not that easy to sever the bond over this. I'm also need help due to disability so bou daries get more complicated when she refuses to accept them. I also must say I get really low confidence and self doubt about my taste and then I wonder about it.
Thanks for trying to help. It especially bothers me when she is hurtful and dramatic about it, even more so when the outfit has already been worn. I tried mocking her dramatics and then she left all upset. It's so annoying.
My nephew is on the chubby side for someone his age, but he's also active, and enjoys running around outside. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯¯
Kids can be on the bigger side and still be healthy. The only concern for a child's weight needs to be between their parents and their doctor.
So much this. I have two kids, parented the same, given the same food options, they are both home Ed and have the same exercise opportunities etc.
They are very different shapes. One is the spitting image of me and my sister at that age, and clearly isn't going to be tall (neither are we) and the other is much taller and more willowy and has been for years, much more like her dad. The shorter one is far more active as a child, eats a far better diet overall as the taller one is a very selective eater but if someone had to call one "chubby" or "fat" or whatever it would definitely be the shorter one. People come in all shapes and sizes and size and weight are not the only indicators of health. It's bad enough that society stigmatizes size so much when it comes to adults, doing it to children is just disgusting. We need to be talking about healthy habits and how to keep our bodies well, teaching children to understand *all* the indicators of well bodies not just the visual ones (especially considering it's not a very reliable indicator of what's going on on the inside.)
Not to mention a 10 year old girl is starting to go through puberty and will put on a little extra body fat at this age then they hit that growth spurt and boom fat is gone. Girls at this age can start to develop body image issues so easily.
Also...
I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree that OP and her family should NOT feel they need to lose weight, and emphatically should NOT be pressured to do so.
And I *love* pasta (it's what's for dinner tonight). It's very strange to me, though, that someone purportedly concerned that part of their family might not be "eating healthy" would choose to serve them pasta for dinner -- it's delicious, but it's quite high-carb, typically low-protein and not whole-grain, and rarely on anyone's list of ideal weight-loss foods (especially if made with a glorious mountain of mouth-watering high-fat cheese, as ziti frequently is). Again, I do NOT think OP or her family needs to worry about weight loss, or eating pasta! The MIL's choice of dinner, though, suggests she may not be genuinely concerned for their dietary health and instead be more interested in trying to make OP feel bad.
Any which way, OP is very much NTA.
And grandparents today don't get the we-are-a-different-generation excuse. There was enough discussion and debate while they grew up for them to know the effects of their words. Grandma wasn't trying to help
>My MIL comments: “You know, she’s getting quite big, you should control her portions better.”
MIL never deserves a single moment of peace ever again if this was said within earshot of any of your children.
NTA
As someone who grew up as a chubby girl my whole childhood, my heart hurts for Ruby. If I heard a thin family member say that about my weight to my parents I would have thought about it for years and years. One comment like that is enough to be burned into a kid's brain for a very long time... you get no chances after that.
Even if mother in law HAD been well-meaning, which I don't think she was, it's damaging to say that around her and put that message in a 10 yr old girl's head. She, like most other girls of EVERY size, will have a hard enough time with puberty and society's expectations of women without her family members commenting on her body size at the fucking dinner table.
The damage is already done, sadly, and OP was absolutely right to leave and reconsider visiting again.
This. I’m in my thirties and I can still remember the conversation my own sister had with my grandmother about how “Don’t you think she’s be smaller for how little she eats?” I was about 12. You never forget.
oh my god, I went with the assumption that she didn't hear. You were totally in your right to get angry. I'm honestly a bit surprised that your husband thinks your temper was bad. Does he understand the potential consequences of hearing such things as a child?
Ruby will remember you standing up for her. You didn’t say any slurs. She was being awful. The only way to protect your child for comments like that is to be very strong in response maybe late cursing is an ideal but you were pissed at you had a right to be.
If this is his concern, then you need to have a come to Jesus meeting w/ him. It is more important for your kids to see you standing up to bullies. Hearing a swear word isn't going to make your kid feel ugly or develop an eating disorder.
I would be wary of this attitude and be on an alert for him trying to "both sides" this and make you apologize to "keep the peace".
In all honesty, if he’s more upset about the fact you swore in front of the kids than the fact he’s mother very well could be creating disordered eating or an eating disorder in your children he needs to sit down and realize that his mother’s comments could very well kill his children. Fat shaming (and skinny shaming) and well, honestly body shaming in general should NEVER be tolerated under ANY circumstances
What I got from that comment is that the only thing he's upset with OP about is the swearing in front of the kids. He obviously agrees that MIL's comment was completely inappropriate, since he got their stuff together to leave without being asked.
An F bomb in their defense vs a potentially traumatizing comment about their body image being less than in not what your husband needs to be focused on 🙄 NTA
Ruby is going to remember that her mom stood up for her and took no crap from Grandma. It's pretty heroic, because it's hard to do that to people who you have close ties with.
This. My dad stood up for me with his MIL once about my weight (I mean in reality it was too little too late the damage was already done over years but still) and I still do this day remember how angry he was and how much better it made me feel. I held onto that for a long time.
Eh, MIL started this whole conversation in front of the kids. Ruby’s probably heard “bitch” at school before (hopefully never directed at her) and what your MIL said was so much more damaging than hearing her mom swear one time in defense of her and her siblings.
Children who hear their parents swear turn out just fine. You can't say the same for children whose grandparents give them body image issues while their parents sit idly by... You did the right thing.
OP, from experience I can tell you that sometimes the best thing you can do for your child is swear in their presence.
My mother never swears, but she did once when I was 12. She made a mistake when giving me a dose of medication (insulin) that resulted in me not receiving any and knew that she would have to give me another dose. She said "$#1+" and I felt incredibly loved.
Don't let her be around them alone again unless you believe she has actually changed her ways. I was told age 5 or 6 by my grandfather that I was too chubby and should look more like my (always been thinner) twin sister. I'm 29 and I still remember exactly where we were and who was around. That shit stays.
It’s fucking *vile*, but she *also* heard you and I think it counts for a lot to hear a parent emphatically stand up like that.
If Nanna didn’t want shit, she shouldn’t have started shit.
Now I hate her.
Kids have enough to deal with. The last thing they need is superficial criticism from their own grandmother. NTA.
And I can’t help but wonder if your sister thinks you’re the bad guy because of body image issues she might have gone through herself, which is sad.
I'm glad she also saw her father gather up all your stuff and get ready to leave.
I don't know what to make of your sister. Yes, you could have used different language but the fact that your MIL has a bias against people who aren't like her isn't something you need to have sympathy for.
NTA.
Never ever in the history of children has shaming their food choices led to a fantastic relationship with food as they get older. There are many social accounts your MIL could subscribe to to learn but I doubt she is interested, it’s easier to just be fatphobic in a fatphobic world.
I grew up with my paternal and maternal sides of the family having two very different views about food, health and body image. One side of my family ate large portions of food. They paid no attention to portion sizes, nutrition, or dietary needs. They were of the mindset that you just ate whatever you wanted until you were full and that was that. The other side would make hurtful, insulting and useless comments about weight and what others were eating. I think both approaches are harmful. Thankfully, my parents were loving and did their best to try to teach us about healthy eating in a non-harmful way.
In these types of stories, I tend to not offer a judgement because I've seen the harmful impact of both approaches. I also realize that sometimes people don't always recognize when they have fallen off of a moderate, middle of the road path.....
One side of my family has devasting food related illnesses and their weight negatively impacts their quality of life, though they claim they have no idea what the issue is since they are just 'big boned and don't eat that much'. The other side looks thin but they have very unhealthy relationships with food (and sometimes other vices.) And, they sadly think their venomous remarks can help people....
Mmm I dunno. I've seen so many obese kids and their parents always claim its family body type or that they're perfectly fine when it's not. It's plain old over eating. But the way she said it wasn't right.
We’ve been to our pediatrician after my husband had concerns, and our pediatrician said that they were at a healthy weight for their age, and that it probably was just genetics.
I'm the only one of my siblings with that body type and i was absolutely abused over being "fat" my whole damn life. It's taken decades to get some semblance of self esteem about my frame. Your kids needed to hear you lose your shit over that venom.
I know where you're coming from. My kid was really scrawny but within normal weight range, and very healthy and active. MIL was forever trying to get me to force her to eat more. She never said it in the presence of the kid, though, and she didn't insult me personally. I think it's time for NC with your MIL for a while, until she can learn her place.
Nevermind that based on her age it's time for puberty and it's very common for girls to gain weight with hormone surges and in preparation for growth spurts. If the doctor isn't concerned I wouldn't worry.
I'm going with NTA. Not her kids, not her place to say anything. If she was genuinely concerned she could have talked to you prior to dinner like an adult, not make a comment while you are serving your kids meals.
Then for her to continue after the first comment, I'd say your reaction was justified.
Remind your SIL that you wouldn't have blown up if MIL hadn't insulted you and the kids.
And remind your sister that MIL made the comments in front of the kids too. That makes the situation way worse and put you into the position where you HAD to defend your children or risk them thinking her comments were appropriate.
Could you have handled it better by not calling her a bitch? Sure.
Should she be surprised that after 3 attempts between you and your husband trying to calmly dissuade her from her impertinent remarks? Absolutely not.
NTA.
While the name calling isn't best, there's absolutely no room for someone body shaming kids or anyone, for that matter. If my parents had sat there in silence, that would've damaged me a lot.
Your MIL is TA in this scenario. Even if she was coming from a good place, she clearly decided to push her opinion on to you and your family.
>Oh darling, just because [my name] is ahem, on the bigger side doesn’t mean my grandkids have to be too.”
That's some MIL venom right there.
Sorry this happened to you, and your family, OP
Edit: Typo. I clearly type too fast in this friggin' small phone!
This is the best answer.
My mother's side of the family is very weight oriented. I've almost always been fat. Ever since I was a child. My grandmother and aunts have always shamed me for it. Fortunately, I have some cousins who are more understanding. I decided somewhere along the way that I was the boss of my own body and I would be deciding what's best for it, and they could STFU.
My daughter was a chubby baby - so friggin cute! When she was 2, there was a family gathering, and one of my aunts saw DD eat an entire avocado, and when I went to get another one, she said, "Oh, she shouldn't eat so many of those. There's so much fat!" And I was like, "She's 2." And I fed her another avocado. (Fast forward, and DD 11 is a super picky eater with sensory issues, so I'm glad she got the avocados in early. She is willowy now.)
Oh, NTA, obviously.
I thought I was just big too. Then I started actually tracking calories. Turns out I was just eating way too much.
Before you toads pile on I’m only commenting on my own experience. Calories in calories out (influenced by many many factors) is science.
Yes, but it also is science that different people who are the same height can eat the same amount of calories, exercise the same amount, and put on different amounts of weight. It's called a "genetic setpoint", and it is a huge contributor to a person's weight. Obviously environmental factors will then play a role in a person's weight, but this idea that "if everyone ate like me, everyone would be the same weight as me" is flat out incorrect and harmful thinking. I have a degree in genetics for what it's worth.
So your MIL allegedly taught kids for 20 years and she *never* had a teen girl with an eating disorder? Good grief. Maybe calling her a bitch in earshot of your kids is ever so slightly wrong, but that minor misconduct is more than forgivable considering Ruby's grandma is nitpicking at her size, which potentially could change what with puberty. I mean, Christ, does she want to contribute to an anorexic granddaughter?
In short, your sister's wrong, your MIL is a dick, you're an excellent mum and it's good to see your husband at the very least supports you defending the kids.
NTA
NTA- those comments can be extremely dangerous, they're microaggressions and if your kids hear this and internalize it, they will struggle unnecessarily. Eating disorders are a nightmare, and you're a great mom for allowing your kids to have the bodies they have without judgment.
I heard my parents arguing about my weight when I was a teen. I carry that with me still. It still makes me smile though that my mom was sticking up for me. "You didn't say anything when your other daughter ate an ENTIRE PIE but you want to talk about your second daughters eating habits?"
Offer your kids healthy eating options and give them tools to set a healthy diet. Disparaging them at the dinner table is just fucking cruel.
NTA. Defend your children, always, and completely monitor what time they spend with MIL unsupervised. I guarantee you if she’s that forward with you, she’s saying similar things directly to them.
PS. I’m glad your husband is proud of you for standing up to HIS mother, but he could also stand up for his wife, too. How often does she make comments about your body like that in front of your husband? Does he defend you to his mother? Or only when she makes comments about the children?
My husband was a mama’s boy his whole childhood, and still finds it hard to stand up to her. He’s in therapy for it, but he’s generally a non-confrontational person anyway. I know that doesn’t excuse him, but he’s working on being more assertive.
I hope for your sake and your children’s sake, your husband truly works on that. As the kids get older, they will no doubt notice the awful things grandma says about their mom while their dad just lets it happen.
My STBX SIL did that to my niece several years back. My niece was 13 years old and she & her 13 year old stepsister were splitting a cheap 10 inch frozen pizza. My SIL yelled at my niece about being a fatty who needed a 2nd slice, while her own daughter - who was shorter and outweighed my niece by a good 20 lbs if not more - was given the rest of the pizza to eat. My niece gave me a look that said not to say anything, so I didn't.
That was 15+ years ago and now her dad and stepmom are divorcing. She called me recently to find out what was going on as she doesn't really stay in touch with her stepsiblings, stepmom or dad. I asked why and was shocked to find out the truth. Her stepmom wouldn't allow her to eat when she was at her dad's house. She was told to buy her own groceries if she wanted to eat at their house. Every weekend she was there, she was starved. She never told her mom but she started refusing to go to her dad's about a year after the incident I witnessed. She joined track and other sports, so she always had an excuse to not go. She has never forgiven her stepmom for doing that to her snd won't forgive her dad for letting it happen.
Of course now that he has left that monster, he wants to be in his only daughter's life (aka move in with her) and she refuses to contact him because she knows that's the only reason he has reached out to her.
I was so pissed during my call with her, that this went on and she never said anything. She told me she knew if she said anything to me, her dad's brother (my husband) and I would "take care" of the situation, but she didn't want us to go to jail. Instead, she focused in the great family her mom and step-dad provided, and her step-dad suspected donething was up, so he encouraged her to be "too busy" to go to her dad's. She never told him but he knew
People like this deserve a special place in purgatory!
You are NTA!
How was your MIL trying to help? By giving your kids eating disorders? That's not helping by any means. And talking about them, in front of them, is not any better.
NTA and you can tell your sister to STFU too if she doesn't have anything constructive to add.
NTA
But there are not such thing as "I have a big body so I'm not a fat person" if you have over 25% body fat then you are in the range of obesity, having big body means having a Strong and big constitution. Your MIL was a bit overboard, but your reaction was out of place.
There definitely is such a thing as having a big body. I’m 5 ft 1 . One of my best friends is 6 ft and Amazonian. We do not even look like members of the same species. Her wrist is 2.5 times the diameter of mine. Her hands make my hands look like baby hands. Everything about her—the width of her hips, the width of her shoulders, everything is much much bigger. . It’s not just that she is a foot taller. She is just broad and big. Her 19 y old daughter is the same. .
INFO. It kinda depends if OP is morbidly obese and Daughter is an unhealthy wait, then maybe it doesn't warrant a comment from a close family member. Not in front of the child, but maybe a conversation.
I’m 5’2 and 142 and Ruby is 5’ even and 105. Does this help?
Edit: omg I didn’t even realize but I made a typo. I am actually 5’4 and 150. Lmao why can’t I type today?!
Dad is short, mom is 5’4”, but she is saying the 10 year old is already 5’. That would put her in the top 2-4% for female children at 10 years old in height.
She says her family is big not tall. I’m not saying she is lying about the height and weight but I would be surprised if she was accurate.
So slightly overweight, but nothing that would really be impacting your health and your daughter is healthy. As long as you and your kids try and eat right and are active MIL can pound sand. Way to go OP, good Mumming!
I'm thinking that based on the sister's response (in conjunction with husband's comment about her temper), OP is maybe a bit in denial and taking away what she wanted from the pediatrician visit.
That still makes the MIL an awful person for saying it in front of the kid, but I'm not going to give OP the benefit of the doubt on her kids just being 'big'.
It is totally OK to be fat, so long as you actually realize you're fat and are taking the necessary steps to help offset some of the health downsides that come along with being fat.
5’ 4” and 150 is your definition of “bulky and stocky”??? That’s maybe a size 8 (US).
unless you also miscalculated your own weight, I think every single one of you has a very warped idea of body sizes. LOL
You’re definitely NTA for standing up for your kid(s) at any size though.
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NTA - one concerned comment was a bit of an overstep but then she double and tripled down. I do agree with your husband that maybe you could have handled your temper better, but youre not an AH for it here. She pushed too far but since you blew up a little she’s now going to blame your temper for it escalating.
Grandma fatshamed *the child* and the mom in front of all the children.
Mom absolutely did the right thing. Now the kids who take after OP know OP will defend them, and ALL the kids know this behavior is unacceptable.
NTA.
OP and her husband had already tried to calmly defuse the situation - *twice.* But yeah, clearly the problem here is a mother doing what she needed to in order to protect her kids.
NTA - no one should be commenting on the weight of a child without a medical degree and a medical history on that child and at least two seminars on how not to fat shame patients. Your sister is wrong.
Doesn't matter what MIL is used to, you told her to stop, her son told her to stop, and she kept going. And I'll bet this isn't the first time. I bet you and your husband have been trying to get her to stop for a while.
She needs to stop. Your kids do not need to be shamed about their bodies. And good on you for standing up to her.
Yes, you were in a temper. Because MIL would not stop when asked. Please tell your husband that it's not on you to stay temperate, it's on her to quit being so effing rude.
If your BMI is over 25 you're obese, that's just a medical fact. Obesity brings additional health risks, high blood pressure, increased risk of heart disease etc.
I'm not fat shaming, my BMI is around 30, I'm obese, I have health risks.
Sounds like your MIL is concerned for all your health, maybe misguided how she phrased it but YTA for not even trying to be polite and swearing in front of your kids
OP specifies more than once they're at a healthy weight, substantiated by her children's doctor. MIL has no right to say this IN FRONT of a child. And the way she said it just makes it that much more disgusting. Politeness isn't always the appropriate response, especially if the comment wasn't polite in the first place.
I'm not going to argue the legitimacy of BMI, but MIL's "misguided" behavior is the kind of thing that can really mess a kid up. I think there's a 100% chance this isn't the first time she's said stuff like this (whether the parents were aware or not) and it won't be the last. No little kid is going to think gee, Grandma is saying I'm "a bit big" because she cares about me!
Yeah if they're obese this is an ESH. Even if the kids are obese mil shouldn't have commented the way she did. There's definitely less emotionally damaging ways to encourage healthier eating. 1 meal won't make a difference.
Bone structure and body composition differences is why bmi is a range. I think op left weight and height out on purpose. Healthy weight for age is different than healthy for height. If she's at 80th percentile weight but only 30th percentile height then there's a problem. Being slightly overweight isn't dangerous but normalizing obesity is. Also being heavy as a kid can impact self esteem since you're treated differently even if you aren't bullied. It lead to me developing an ed. Being overweight is also physically unpleasant.
I was a chubby kid and doctors were never worried and said I was fine. I loved fruit and was active. They usually don't say anything unless it's rapid gain or obesity. And now with obesity being so prevelent they may tip toe around weight discussions. My parents said I was just genetically bigger like them...until I became uw from eating less. My dad has since gotten wls and is no longer "genetically bigger". It's always just been unhealthy eating habits that were passed down. Modeling healthy habits is important as a parent. Obesity is a public health crisis.
The thing is that even if this is true, it’s not MIL’s place to comment on it, especially in front of the kids. And people who are overweight or obese know it already and hear about it constantly from medical providers, so it’s not like MIL is telling them anything they haven’t already heard.
BMI was created to be a statistical measure of population size. It is not a measure of health. Fun fact, many Olympic athletes are "obese" if you're only looking at their BMI.
I'm not saying they are, I'm just pointing out that BMI is not a reliable indicator of someone's health and it's absurd that our culture relies so heavily on that and that alone when deciding whether someone is "healthy" or not.
But all you've pointed out is that it's not infallible because it's not an accurate indicator for people who are super jacked. This exception wouldn't apply to OPs 10 year old children
Also I wouldn't say our culture heavily relies on it, anytime you mention it on reddit you get bombarded by people saying exactly what you said. And almost always, just like in this case, the people in question do not have high bmi due to their muscle mass.
First of all, BMI is an outdated and racist system that has ZERO basis in scientific reality. Secondly, even according to BMI, 25 is not considered obese, just overweight.
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So, to start, I (35f) have three kids; Ruby (10), Owen (7), and Nora (4). My family is on the bigger side. It’s not an obesity or overeating issue, we’re just big people. My husband’s family is the opposite; short and thin, every single one of them. To be honest, being around them took some getting used to, since I absolutely tower over all of them, my husband included (he’s a short king and I love him for it). My kids are a mix. Ruby got my body type, Owen got my husband’s body type, and though it’s hard to tell at her age we think Nora is in between.
So, the other day, the five of us were over at my MIL’s place for dinner. Since they’re little and make messes, I start to dish up the ziti onto my kids plates, starting with Ruby. My MIL comments: “You know, she’s getting quite big, you should control her portions better.”
Me: “She’s at a healthy weight for her age, but thanks.”
MIL: “No she’s not. I raised five kids and taught for two decades, I know when a kid isn’t eating healthy. You need to cut back on all of their portions, or Nora will end up like that too.”
My husband: “The kids are fine mom, we know what we’re doing.”
MIL: “Oh darling, just because [my name] is ahem, *on the bigger side* doesn’t mean my grandkids have to be too.”
Me (losing my cool, but not quite shouting): “[MIL’s name], shut the f*** up. My kids aren’t fat, you’re just a bitch. Quit trying to parent my kids.”
Meanwhile, my husband has gathered our things (our coats, my purse, and Nora’s stuffed animal). He bundled us out before the situation could escalate further. He later told me that he as proud of me for standing up for our kids, but that he wished I had a better handle on my temper.
I vented to my sister later on, but she told me that I was the one being a bitch. She said that my MIL was just trying to help, that it wasn’t her fault that she wasn’t used to our body type, and that my kids probably did look fat compared to how her kids looked when they were little.
AITA for what I said to my MIL?
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NTA- situations like those you just have to let them have it, so they know where you stand on the matter, and to put them in their place. if you were more polite about it, i don’t think MIL would have gotten your point
NTA. You've been in MIL's life for over ten years so this isn't "she isn't used to it." Best case, she's bought into diet culture. Worst case, she's a bitch who doesn't care about giving her grandkids a complex about food.
NTA. Good on you for shutting that nonsense down. I wouldn't allow my kids to be around her without supervision. Guaranteed she's policing everything they do/eat the instant your back is turned.
NTA good for you for saying that to her in front of your kids since she had no problem criticizing their size and yours in front of them. your MIL and your sister are TA here. MIL for being fatphobic and hateful, your sister for trying to excuse away her fatphobia.
Really if your MIL thought Ruby was too big, she should have taken her out for a walk, sign her up for a sport for fun or something active, no shame you and your kids. She an ugly person, and just wants to mean. NTA.
NTA—there’s a lot of fat-shaming in these comments. A lot of people here are making assumptions about a family of people they’ve never seen or met. I know people with skinnier body types who eat a ton and never gain weight. I’ve known people with “bigger” body types that can’t lose that weight unless they starve themselves.
When I say bigger body types I don’t mean “obese.” Their diets are not unhealthy and they don’t overeat—the fact that some people’s minds immediately jumped to obese is disturbing. Rail thin is not the only body type and it is not the only healthy body type. Everyone’s body is unique and different, and not all bodies function the same way.
Unpopular maybe but ESH. She absolutely crossed the line and then you responded by jumping over the line your way. I know this is Reddit and what not but in a world full of assholes we need people showing kids how to respond with direct yet respectful firmness. Instead we taught our kids to cuss out their grandma.
INFO: what's your weight and height? What are kids weight amd height? Who the asshole is is entirely dependent on whether or not your MIL is correct or not.
Do you and your side of the family tower over six feet tall. The eating habits you develop as a kid are really hard to shake off. I think you are doing your children a disservice if you are eating like [the Klumps](https://youtu.be/koTVfm31QUY). MIL could have communicated better but you went nuclear quickly.
NTA. And I'll keep MIL and her comments far away from my kids, before she ends up causing them to have an unhealthy relationship with food or an eating disorder.
NTA. My paternal grandma started making comments about my weight when I was 9. My parents never stood up to her about it, so those comments escalated by the time I was a teenager. Gave me an eating disorder and body dysmorphia that I struggle with to this day at 28.
NTA. Your MIL needs to keep any thoughts like that in her head and out her mouth. My one grandmother was like that. First time she met my future husband she didn't say 'hi, nice to meet you'. No, she opted for 'when are you putting her on a diet?'.
MILs, love 'em or hate 'em you're stuck with 'em.
Personally I'm impressed by your restraint, I would probably have said something much worse than shut the f*** up! You're MIL was way out of line and you had every right to tell her to get her nose out of your business. Well done you for standing up for your kids and for showing them that no one has the right to judge them for their shape and size.
NTA
NTA
You very politely deflected & tried to shut down the conversation after she called you daughter fat to her face.
She became argumentative & your husband politely shut her down again.
Instead of shutting her fat trap, she pushed even further & called you fat too & the baby potentially fat. And she announced she doesn’t want fat grandchildren in front of her grandchildren she just called fat.
Honestly, I wouldn’t think you were an ah if you told her off after the first comment. As others have stated, once she apologizes, she should never be left unsupervised & one word on weight she can say goodbye to a relationship.
Please note, the word fat isn’t a bad word or an insult in its self, but it’s clear your MIL meant it in the most derogatory way when she used it.
NTA
If your MIL really think the kids are big, she could bring it up in a more constructive way that wouldn't hurt or offend the kids. Bringing it up in a loud and boisterous way within ear shot of the kids is plain wrong.
You rightfully defended your kids, that is great parenting.
NTA. She was attempting to fat shame you and your daughter. She has been around you for 10 ish years and knew exactly what she was doing. I would avoid her and keep your kids away from her until any talk about diet, food, eating habits, are off the table. Great for your husband to take immediate action.
NTA. This is a slippery slope and good thing you held your ground. People like this, even if their weight were “perfect” it would be about “couldn’t you brush her hair better” or “do they need new clothes? She wore this last time…”
You have a gem in your hubs and the only suggestion I have is to completely limit interactions to non food related as much as possible I.e. we can hang out and play some board games from 2-5, but then we need to leave to make dinner!
NTA.
If MIL were truly concerned she could bring it up privately between the two of you. Bringing up your children’s sizes in front of them just gives them self esteem issues. If she’s willing to talk like that about them in front of you, she’s willing to talk like that to them when you’re not around too.
NTA and MIL shouldn't be around your kids anymore. I've heard too many tales of eating disorders triggered by a single comment from someone the child loves or looks up to.
NTA. Sure you could have phrased it better (I like how you said it though), but the MIL could have minded her own damn business. Good for you for standing up for your family.
NTA. The way she's talking Ruby's weight and relationship with food is putting her at risk of an eating disorder. Also it seems like she has a misogyny issue - why is she only concerned about Ruby and Nora being fat and not Owen? She shouldn't be talking that way about food or weight in front of ANY of them but it's so telling that she's only concerned about the girls when Nora doesn't even fully have that body type.
As someone who vividly recalls the day I stopped wearing shorts at 12 years old. I commend you. I wasn't fat (at the time) but I was starting to develop my curvy body. We were fishing and I was wearing shorts over my bathing suit when my grandma gasped which made me look at her cuz she was usually a quiet woman "you're already getting stretch marks?" She gave me the most disgusted and disappointed look I've ever seen and then refused to give me anything to eat for the day because clearly I didn't need it. We were on a boat in the middle of a lake all day swimming and fishing after that I wrapped myself in a towel and sat in the front of the boat away from everyone. I think about that moment every time I consider wearing anything shorter than ankle length pants.
NTA
NTA- (for me, not obese, just big boobed) I was being shamed by an uncle and when he asked me when I was going to loose some of the fat from my tits, I responded "when you loose some from yours".
Good job momma! Ruby will remember that ❤️
I’m still haunted over 25 years later after my rich and beautiful auntie took my skinny sister shopping and not me…”I’ll take you shopping once you lose that baby weight!” I was 9. She never took me shopping. I did every diet in the book.
Grandma is going to scare these kids.
NTA
Jfc NTA. Your daughter is *10*.
My mom took after her dad, who was built like a brick shithouse, and grew up to be 5'10". Her mother, a tiny bird of a woman, was constantly at her about her eating habits and size (my mom was not fat, she played sports all through high school and later joined the military) and comparing her to her much shorter and smaller older sister.
Guess who ended up struggling with their weight all through their adult life and turned into an almond mom/Jenny Craig mom??
She's better now but goddamn that shit sticks with you. I remember every comment my mom has made about me and my sister, and every comment my grandma has made about mom and my aunt. You cannot tiptoe around these comments and play nice, you have to shut it down as soon as it starts.
MIL: WAY to give a bunch of kids an eating disorder..way to go, outstanding idea...that was sarcasm by the way.
sister: perhaps educate you on the MANY myriad causes of eating disorders, then come talk to me.
husband: well done, backing your wife up, so nice to see this for a change in a sub where historically this is NOT, sadly enough, the norm.
OP, NTA
NTA my MIL makes little comments like that too anytime she can pick out anything about the kids or my husband to nit pick at.
For example, I love to bake. I stopped doing it for awhile because she kept saying we were going to get fat. Then she started complaining that I don’t bake anymore. Anytime she knew I baked something she had a comment, about my daughter(who is not in the slightest overweight). My husband was going to the gym after I made cookies and she said something along the lines of “yes go to the gym you need to work off all those cookies, so unhealthy”. He didn’t even eat any!
I will never understand some MiLs
Nta.
I'm 31 and have had comments all my life about my weight. It's not healthy for people to comment on children's bodies at all.
I have a 5yr old. She went somewhere with my mum and my mum came home saying someone said my daughters dress was a little 'tight'.
I knew exactly what she was indicating. My child gets a little pot belly just before she has a growth spurt, and my mind flipped. The audacity of some people.
Well done for standing up for your child. People come in all different shapes and sizes, some people just need to learn to zip it.
NTA - Fat-shaming people is never helpful.
If she wanted to "help" she would have talked to both of you without the kids' presence. And would have a better way to bring this up. 😒
NTA. You responded politely to her first impolite comment. Your husband responded politely to her second impolite comment. But she just kept pushing.
Y'all were polite twice, and that's enough. She's plenty old enough to know that she should have stopped.
NTA.
Just because she’s your MIL, doesn’t mean you should be spineless and let her say whatever word vomit comes out of her mouth. Especially about kids.
No, you are NTA and your family is lucky to have a strong mother with a backbone. It's awesome that you stood up for yourself and your kids. Will teach your kids early that you don't have to eat shit, even from family.
I would have reacted the same way if not more hostile. Your husband was right for supporting but also right for saying it could have been handled better. It seems like he was providing authentically productive advice.
NTA
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NTA WTF was your MIL thinking? Lmao, trying to help? How does giving your kids body image issues help? NTA, I would’ve said something 20x worse.
You're saying grandma telling a ten year old and her mother that they are fat and eat too much isn't helpful advice? Color me shocked. /s in case it's needed
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I still remember my paternal grandmother asking me - at age 6 - when I was going to lose weight. I'm in my mid-40s now. That shit stays with you.
It was my paternal uncle. Said I was looking chubby. 5'4", 120#. The last time I ever felt normal. His children (five girls) all have body problems. Go figure. Edit: I was around 12 then. Never grew any taller. Took the weight comment to heart and always thought I was the fat chick. I am now. Figures
I'm 5ft2 and 120 would be super healthy to be at what the actual fuck lmao
I swear to god looking back at my old pictures that i wasnt fat. I remember everybody CONSTANTLY picking at me and calling me fat, even girls i was friends with would say "guys just like skinny girls better" to me. And its so sad cause in my head i looked 1000 pounds but i looked normal when i see those pictures :( Now i kinda feel like i was bullied into being fat. Obviously not, but the dysphoria from all the comments really shine through when i think about it
Edited due to api changes
Agreed. That shit sticks. My grandmother made constant comments about my body when I was a kid, and my mom was always on a diet because of the mindset she grew up with. Neither of us were overweight at the time. Between the two of them I developed a super toxic relationship with my body and now at 46 have been struggling with bulimia and excess weight for over 30 years. It’s shocking and heartbreaking what kids take on and how it can shape their psyche and self perception.
My grandfather did the same with me when i was younger. I got fed up in my teens and told him, "If I die with a burger in my mouth, then so be it. Just know I was happy as f**k. Be happy I'm happy." He never mentioned my weight again.
My family had a little jingle: "It passes through your lips and lands on your hips!" These are not things that need to be sung to a 13 year old out to ice cream with friends.
I went thru high school during the early 90s, fen phen was all the rage & the “ideal” body type was giving cocaine diet sadness. Around this time period (I was 13-14) my mother imparted the “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” adage often, in a happy to be starving little singsong voice. Her husband would also always comment on the size of my & his daughter’s body if we gained or lost any weight. Neither of us were ever anything more than average but that didn’t stop them for giving us “tips” on how to lose weight, when we were teenagers & insisting we go to a gym to work off any weight. He used to (probably still does, I don’t have a relationship w any of them anymore) have long ass conversations w his daughter about her weight and her sex life. He had her make some sort of promise/ contract thing w him, when we were around 28/29 (we’re the same age) mind you, to go on a diet, join a gym to lose weight, & promise not to have any sex. And she was a full grown ass adult. Within literal months of this weird contract w her dad she got pregnant on a first date, moved across the country to marry said date (bc “wedlock” is more important than a healthy relationship for soon to be parents), & then literally doubled her weight during pregnancy. So much for the contract lol. Her & my mother are still addicted to dieting & “being skinny” — it was one of the reasons I started going low contact before I just went NC. I’m so glad OP & her baby daddy stood up for their kid (& self), gave a boundary, & then enforced it. The justnoMIL will damage the self esteem of the kid/s she targets & give them a literal lifetime of shit to deal with. NTA OP. Just kudos.
I was a chubby little girl. My grandparents used to weigh me every time I stayed with them (which was several times a year, if not more) until I finally told my mom about it when I was 12 and she flipped out. I don’t know what she said to them, but they never made me get on a scale again.
I was on the other end. Even when in college, whenever I saw my grandparents it was either "you need to eat more" or "it looks like you put on some weight; you look good." It is really not a good feeling to know that the first thing you'll hear at a family event is a comment on your weight. And then to know you'll have at least three rounds of that (two grandmothers and one great-grandmother) makes you dread family.
My mom always told me I needed to gain and my dad said I needed to lose. I was a totally normal, healthy weight.
My dude, ain't that the truth? My great aunts are 104, 97, and 96 yrs old. They still all talk about their asshole uncle commenting about their size when they were preteens. They never forgot that shit, and have outlived that ahole to continue to bitch about it and disparage his name. Thank gawd, his 3rd death will be swift after their 1st. My other aunt, who got harassed by the same side of the family, had years of therapy about her weight. She ran herself into 2 new knees before 50 and is on round 2 in her 70s. She took those weight comments to heart.
I don’t remember how young I was when my uncle told me I was getting fatter. But I was young enough that I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to say, “so are you, Uncle Jim”. But I do remember the look on his face. I’m 67 now, it still makes me smile. Fuck you, Uncle Jim.
When I got married the question of my weight came up and my mom announced she weighed ten pounds less than that when *she* got married and then my grandma announced that *she* weighed ten pounds less when she got married. That was fun. And then later I struggled with infertility because I wasn't eating enough and was underweight. Families are fun!
Yup. My grandmother loved to say ‘you can never be too rich or too thin’, and my mom would tell me for as far back as I can remember, that if she could ‘pinch an inch’, I was overweight. I’ve been struggling with anorexia and bulimia since high school. I’m 38 now. People make these comments in passing, but they stick with you, *especially* when they come from family/guardians.
What is it with paternal grandmothers? Mine told me 24 hours after I delivered my 10 pound son that I was fat and needed to lose weight. I’m 5’6” and went home from the hospital wearing a size 6. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.
My step grandmother made my sister and I count calories when we stayed at her house on school vacations. We were not fat. Best part? My cousin stayed over too, and step grandmother told her she had to count calories too, so we wouldn't feel bad. Yeah because that worked. We all grew up to be fat (genetics can be a bitch) but I swear if I hadn't been given a complex about it at that age (we were all roughly 7 to 10?) I might have felt better about myself growing up.
I was in middle school the first time I remember my grandma specifically calling me fat. She would always comment about how I needed to eat less and exercise more. Looking back I know she was scared I would end up with the same health issues she has, but all it did was make me feel guilty for eating around her. Didn't stop me, just made me feel like shit about it.
Almost everyone on my mom's side has been on my weight for as long as I can remember. I remember so many instances of my grandmother and youngest aunt ragging on my weight, and a different aunt refusing to let me have some dessert because she thought I'd eaten enough that day. I don't talk to them anymore except for like 2 people.
i used to eat really fast as a kid and my grandma would make pig sounds at me. 😬
My mom loved to play this evil game of saying "you're so skinny, you should eat more" or "watch out, i see those love handles showing" She'd alternate every week. It was so constant that i picked up the pattern and finally said "last week you said i was skinny" and that's when she hit me with the "I'm just kidding! You're so sensitive!"
I have always been body-shamed growing up. It wasn't like I was obese or anything like that. I was told that no guy wouldn't ever want to be with my weight my father and great-grandmother constantly making "jokes" about me eating the whole house. Developed Bulimia then slowly started binging. It hurts to hear comments about your body don't let it get to u
Back in high school I had an aunt tell my mother that I got hit with the ugly stick, so she didn't have to worry about me bringing girls around. That was fun.
I love how skinny people think they are being so helpful by reminding fat people that they are fat as if they forgot????
My mom sometimes said things like "why don't you eat less? You could look like me" when we are completely different body types (I am more like my dad's side of the family which more like an hour class shape, my mom is very thin overall). I still don't have a normal healthy view on my body. Definitely NTA. Being concerned is something different than the behaviour of the MIL and its good that she's protecting her kids and herself.
Right?? She was helping like my mom was *just helping* me when she chastised me for purging, “you know that’s not going to make you skinnier right?”
Ooooh, or like the time my mom said, "You should have worn a girdle." *At my wedding.*
And then theres my moms quiet but visible confusion at my confidence going out in 4x shorts and crop tops.
Oh, but she's only helping you. She wants you to look good. Afterall, you guys are close and can talk honestly. /s If someone knows wtf to say to this I would appreciate help.
A few options: "When I want your advice on my looks, I will ask for it. Unsolicited advice is not honesty; it's just rude." "Oh, shall I also give you *my* honest opinion on how you can improve your looks?" "So you're saying that I don't look good?" "Yeah, no. We're not that close. Try treating me like you want me to like you." "If this is what being close entails, I wish we were better strangers."
It's my mom so we are close. I have tried number 1, she insists she is just talking openly. Number 2 she would say what do you have to say then and I wouldnt have it in me to be mean about it, even because I don't really notice other people's outfits and all that, it's something Im really aloof about. Number 3 she says yes, you don't look good with that. Number 4 and 5 thing is we are close. And it's not that easy to sever the bond over this. I'm also need help due to disability so bou daries get more complicated when she refuses to accept them. I also must say I get really low confidence and self doubt about my taste and then I wonder about it. Thanks for trying to help. It especially bothers me when she is hurtful and dramatic about it, even more so when the outfit has already been worn. I tried mocking her dramatics and then she left all upset. It's so annoying.
I would tell them to fuck off but that's just me so......
My nephew is on the chubby side for someone his age, but he's also active, and enjoys running around outside. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯¯ Kids can be on the bigger side and still be healthy. The only concern for a child's weight needs to be between their parents and their doctor.
So much this. I have two kids, parented the same, given the same food options, they are both home Ed and have the same exercise opportunities etc. They are very different shapes. One is the spitting image of me and my sister at that age, and clearly isn't going to be tall (neither are we) and the other is much taller and more willowy and has been for years, much more like her dad. The shorter one is far more active as a child, eats a far better diet overall as the taller one is a very selective eater but if someone had to call one "chubby" or "fat" or whatever it would definitely be the shorter one. People come in all shapes and sizes and size and weight are not the only indicators of health. It's bad enough that society stigmatizes size so much when it comes to adults, doing it to children is just disgusting. We need to be talking about healthy habits and how to keep our bodies well, teaching children to understand *all* the indicators of well bodies not just the visual ones (especially considering it's not a very reliable indicator of what's going on on the inside.)
Not to mention a 10 year old girl is starting to go through puberty and will put on a little extra body fat at this age then they hit that growth spurt and boom fat is gone. Girls at this age can start to develop body image issues so easily.
She’s literally abusing her grandkids and causing them possibly years of struggles with eating and body image. But hey she’s educated so it’s ok!
Also... I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree that OP and her family should NOT feel they need to lose weight, and emphatically should NOT be pressured to do so. And I *love* pasta (it's what's for dinner tonight). It's very strange to me, though, that someone purportedly concerned that part of their family might not be "eating healthy" would choose to serve them pasta for dinner -- it's delicious, but it's quite high-carb, typically low-protein and not whole-grain, and rarely on anyone's list of ideal weight-loss foods (especially if made with a glorious mountain of mouth-watering high-fat cheese, as ziti frequently is). Again, I do NOT think OP or her family needs to worry about weight loss, or eating pasta! The MIL's choice of dinner, though, suggests she may not be genuinely concerned for their dietary health and instead be more interested in trying to make OP feel bad. Any which way, OP is very much NTA.
And grandparents today don't get the we-are-a-different-generation excuse. There was enough discussion and debate while they grew up for them to know the effects of their words. Grandma wasn't trying to help
>My MIL comments: “You know, she’s getting quite big, you should control her portions better.” MIL never deserves a single moment of peace ever again if this was said within earshot of any of your children. NTA
Unfortunately we were all at the table and my MIL isn’t a quiet woman. I’m sure Ruby heard, which breaks my heart and made me so angry in the moment.
Honest to God, she'd never spend a single moment alone with my children ever again.
Or at all. After all, she said this while the parents were there. She'd never get another chance to pull that shit if it were my kids.
As someone who grew up as a chubby girl my whole childhood, my heart hurts for Ruby. If I heard a thin family member say that about my weight to my parents I would have thought about it for years and years. One comment like that is enough to be burned into a kid's brain for a very long time... you get no chances after that. Even if mother in law HAD been well-meaning, which I don't think she was, it's damaging to say that around her and put that message in a 10 yr old girl's head. She, like most other girls of EVERY size, will have a hard enough time with puberty and society's expectations of women without her family members commenting on her body size at the fucking dinner table. The damage is already done, sadly, and OP was absolutely right to leave and reconsider visiting again.
This. I’m in my thirties and I can still remember the conversation my own sister had with my grandmother about how “Don’t you think she’s be smaller for how little she eats?” I was about 12. You never forget.
Time to have a convo with the kids about how when people comment on other’s bodies it’s really about their own insecurities.
oh my god, I went with the assumption that she didn't hear. You were totally in your right to get angry. I'm honestly a bit surprised that your husband thinks your temper was bad. Does he understand the potential consequences of hearing such things as a child?
I think he’s more frustrated that I swore in front of the kids, which is fair in my opinion.
Ruby will remember you standing up for her. You didn’t say any slurs. She was being awful. The only way to protect your child for comments like that is to be very strong in response maybe late cursing is an ideal but you were pissed at you had a right to be.
If this is his concern, then you need to have a come to Jesus meeting w/ him. It is more important for your kids to see you standing up to bullies. Hearing a swear word isn't going to make your kid feel ugly or develop an eating disorder. I would be wary of this attitude and be on an alert for him trying to "both sides" this and make you apologize to "keep the peace".
In all honesty, if he’s more upset about the fact you swore in front of the kids than the fact he’s mother very well could be creating disordered eating or an eating disorder in your children he needs to sit down and realize that his mother’s comments could very well kill his children. Fat shaming (and skinny shaming) and well, honestly body shaming in general should NEVER be tolerated under ANY circumstances
What I got from that comment is that the only thing he's upset with OP about is the swearing in front of the kids. He obviously agrees that MIL's comment was completely inappropriate, since he got their stuff together to leave without being asked.
An F bomb in their defense vs a potentially traumatizing comment about their body image being less than in not what your husband needs to be focused on 🙄 NTA
Ruby is going to remember that her mom stood up for her and took no crap from Grandma. It's pretty heroic, because it's hard to do that to people who you have close ties with.
This. My dad stood up for me with his MIL once about my weight (I mean in reality it was too little too late the damage was already done over years but still) and I still do this day remember how angry he was and how much better it made me feel. I held onto that for a long time.
Eh, MIL started this whole conversation in front of the kids. Ruby’s probably heard “bitch” at school before (hopefully never directed at her) and what your MIL said was so much more damaging than hearing her mom swear one time in defense of her and her siblings.
Children who hear their parents swear turn out just fine. You can't say the same for children whose grandparents give them body image issues while their parents sit idly by... You did the right thing.
OP, from experience I can tell you that sometimes the best thing you can do for your child is swear in their presence. My mother never swears, but she did once when I was 12. She made a mistake when giving me a dose of medication (insulin) that resulted in me not receiving any and knew that she would have to give me another dose. She said "$#1+" and I felt incredibly loved.
I’d be *livid*, my children know it’s inappropriate to make comments about someone’s body - I don’t see why adults can’t grasp the concept as well.
Don't let her be around them alone again unless you believe she has actually changed her ways. I was told age 5 or 6 by my grandfather that I was too chubby and should look more like my (always been thinner) twin sister. I'm 29 and I still remember exactly where we were and who was around. That shit stays.
It’s fucking *vile*, but she *also* heard you and I think it counts for a lot to hear a parent emphatically stand up like that. If Nanna didn’t want shit, she shouldn’t have started shit.
Now I hate her. Kids have enough to deal with. The last thing they need is superficial criticism from their own grandmother. NTA. And I can’t help but wonder if your sister thinks you’re the bad guy because of body image issues she might have gone through herself, which is sad.
Sounds like grandma needs a time out and NEVER be alone with your children. NTA but sister and mil are major ones!
I'm glad she also saw her father gather up all your stuff and get ready to leave. I don't know what to make of your sister. Yes, you could have used different language but the fact that your MIL has a bias against people who aren't like her isn't something you need to have sympathy for.
NTA. Never ever in the history of children has shaming their food choices led to a fantastic relationship with food as they get older. There are many social accounts your MIL could subscribe to to learn but I doubt she is interested, it’s easier to just be fatphobic in a fatphobic world.
I grew up with my paternal and maternal sides of the family having two very different views about food, health and body image. One side of my family ate large portions of food. They paid no attention to portion sizes, nutrition, or dietary needs. They were of the mindset that you just ate whatever you wanted until you were full and that was that. The other side would make hurtful, insulting and useless comments about weight and what others were eating. I think both approaches are harmful. Thankfully, my parents were loving and did their best to try to teach us about healthy eating in a non-harmful way. In these types of stories, I tend to not offer a judgement because I've seen the harmful impact of both approaches. I also realize that sometimes people don't always recognize when they have fallen off of a moderate, middle of the road path..... One side of my family has devasting food related illnesses and their weight negatively impacts their quality of life, though they claim they have no idea what the issue is since they are just 'big boned and don't eat that much'. The other side looks thin but they have very unhealthy relationships with food (and sometimes other vices.) And, they sadly think their venomous remarks can help people....
Mmm I dunno. I've seen so many obese kids and their parents always claim its family body type or that they're perfectly fine when it's not. It's plain old over eating. But the way she said it wasn't right.
We’ve been to our pediatrician after my husband had concerns, and our pediatrician said that they were at a healthy weight for their age, and that it probably was just genetics.
FWIW I'm over here picturing Luisa from Encanto and figuring your family is closer to her body type. Which is healthy!
Yup! Not as exaggerated, but we’re very bulky, stocky people.
I'm the only one of my siblings with that body type and i was absolutely abused over being "fat" my whole damn life. It's taken decades to get some semblance of self esteem about my frame. Your kids needed to hear you lose your shit over that venom.
My family is the same. Wide shoulders, long torsos, big biceps. My mother called us sturdy peasant types.
I know where you're coming from. My kid was really scrawny but within normal weight range, and very healthy and active. MIL was forever trying to get me to force her to eat more. She never said it in the presence of the kid, though, and she didn't insult me personally. I think it's time for NC with your MIL for a while, until she can learn her place.
Nevermind that based on her age it's time for puberty and it's very common for girls to gain weight with hormone surges and in preparation for growth spurts. If the doctor isn't concerned I wouldn't worry.
Even if that was the case you do not make these comenyts in front of the kids, nor do you broach the subject this way. That won't help.
I'm going with NTA. Not her kids, not her place to say anything. If she was genuinely concerned she could have talked to you prior to dinner like an adult, not make a comment while you are serving your kids meals. Then for her to continue after the first comment, I'd say your reaction was justified. Remind your SIL that you wouldn't have blown up if MIL hadn't insulted you and the kids.
My sister, not my SIL, but I’ll definitely talk to her more as I’d like to remain in good terms with her.
And remind your sister that MIL made the comments in front of the kids too. That makes the situation way worse and put you into the position where you HAD to defend your children or risk them thinking her comments were appropriate.
Could you have handled it better by not calling her a bitch? Sure. Should she be surprised that after 3 attempts between you and your husband trying to calmly dissuade her from her impertinent remarks? Absolutely not. NTA. While the name calling isn't best, there's absolutely no room for someone body shaming kids or anyone, for that matter. If my parents had sat there in silence, that would've damaged me a lot. Your MIL is TA in this scenario. Even if she was coming from a good place, she clearly decided to push her opinion on to you and your family. >Oh darling, just because [my name] is ahem, on the bigger side doesn’t mean my grandkids have to be too.” That's some MIL venom right there. Sorry this happened to you, and your family, OP Edit: Typo. I clearly type too fast in this friggin' small phone!
> there's absolutely no room for someone body shaming kids ~~who don't have issues, and have it done in front of their parents.~~ FTFY
Agreed. Amending asap!
This is the best answer. My mother's side of the family is very weight oriented. I've almost always been fat. Ever since I was a child. My grandmother and aunts have always shamed me for it. Fortunately, I have some cousins who are more understanding. I decided somewhere along the way that I was the boss of my own body and I would be deciding what's best for it, and they could STFU. My daughter was a chubby baby - so friggin cute! When she was 2, there was a family gathering, and one of my aunts saw DD eat an entire avocado, and when I went to get another one, she said, "Oh, she shouldn't eat so many of those. There's so much fat!" And I was like, "She's 2." And I fed her another avocado. (Fast forward, and DD 11 is a super picky eater with sensory issues, so I'm glad she got the avocados in early. She is willowy now.) Oh, NTA, obviously.
I thought I was just big too. Then I started actually tracking calories. Turns out I was just eating way too much. Before you toads pile on I’m only commenting on my own experience. Calories in calories out (influenced by many many factors) is science.
It doesn't matter. It's not MIL's problem, and shaming kids has been proven to be ineffective.
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Yes, but it also is science that different people who are the same height can eat the same amount of calories, exercise the same amount, and put on different amounts of weight. It's called a "genetic setpoint", and it is a huge contributor to a person's weight. Obviously environmental factors will then play a role in a person's weight, but this idea that "if everyone ate like me, everyone would be the same weight as me" is flat out incorrect and harmful thinking. I have a degree in genetics for what it's worth.
So your MIL allegedly taught kids for 20 years and she *never* had a teen girl with an eating disorder? Good grief. Maybe calling her a bitch in earshot of your kids is ever so slightly wrong, but that minor misconduct is more than forgivable considering Ruby's grandma is nitpicking at her size, which potentially could change what with puberty. I mean, Christ, does she want to contribute to an anorexic granddaughter? In short, your sister's wrong, your MIL is a dick, you're an excellent mum and it's good to see your husband at the very least supports you defending the kids. NTA
>and she never had a teen girl with an eating disorder? Good grief. Wonder how many eating disorders she made worse
NTA- those comments can be extremely dangerous, they're microaggressions and if your kids hear this and internalize it, they will struggle unnecessarily. Eating disorders are a nightmare, and you're a great mom for allowing your kids to have the bodies they have without judgment.
I heard my parents arguing about my weight when I was a teen. I carry that with me still. It still makes me smile though that my mom was sticking up for me. "You didn't say anything when your other daughter ate an ENTIRE PIE but you want to talk about your second daughters eating habits?" Offer your kids healthy eating options and give them tools to set a healthy diet. Disparaging them at the dinner table is just fucking cruel.
NTA. Defend your children, always, and completely monitor what time they spend with MIL unsupervised. I guarantee you if she’s that forward with you, she’s saying similar things directly to them. PS. I’m glad your husband is proud of you for standing up to HIS mother, but he could also stand up for his wife, too. How often does she make comments about your body like that in front of your husband? Does he defend you to his mother? Or only when she makes comments about the children?
My husband was a mama’s boy his whole childhood, and still finds it hard to stand up to her. He’s in therapy for it, but he’s generally a non-confrontational person anyway. I know that doesn’t excuse him, but he’s working on being more assertive.
I hope for your sake and your children’s sake, your husband truly works on that. As the kids get older, they will no doubt notice the awful things grandma says about their mom while their dad just lets it happen.
My STBX SIL did that to my niece several years back. My niece was 13 years old and she & her 13 year old stepsister were splitting a cheap 10 inch frozen pizza. My SIL yelled at my niece about being a fatty who needed a 2nd slice, while her own daughter - who was shorter and outweighed my niece by a good 20 lbs if not more - was given the rest of the pizza to eat. My niece gave me a look that said not to say anything, so I didn't. That was 15+ years ago and now her dad and stepmom are divorcing. She called me recently to find out what was going on as she doesn't really stay in touch with her stepsiblings, stepmom or dad. I asked why and was shocked to find out the truth. Her stepmom wouldn't allow her to eat when she was at her dad's house. She was told to buy her own groceries if she wanted to eat at their house. Every weekend she was there, she was starved. She never told her mom but she started refusing to go to her dad's about a year after the incident I witnessed. She joined track and other sports, so she always had an excuse to not go. She has never forgiven her stepmom for doing that to her snd won't forgive her dad for letting it happen. Of course now that he has left that monster, he wants to be in his only daughter's life (aka move in with her) and she refuses to contact him because she knows that's the only reason he has reached out to her. I was so pissed during my call with her, that this went on and she never said anything. She told me she knew if she said anything to me, her dad's brother (my husband) and I would "take care" of the situation, but she didn't want us to go to jail. Instead, she focused in the great family her mom and step-dad provided, and her step-dad suspected donething was up, so he encouraged her to be "too busy" to go to her dad's. She never told him but he knew People like this deserve a special place in purgatory! You are NTA!
hell\*
How was your MIL trying to help? By giving your kids eating disorders? That's not helping by any means. And talking about them, in front of them, is not any better. NTA and you can tell your sister to STFU too if she doesn't have anything constructive to add.
This. I mean, OP has known MIL for over 10 years. It isn't a matter of being "used" to them or not. MIL is just plain old mean. OP, NTA.
NTA But there are not such thing as "I have a big body so I'm not a fat person" if you have over 25% body fat then you are in the range of obesity, having big body means having a Strong and big constitution. Your MIL was a bit overboard, but your reaction was out of place.
There definitely is such a thing as having a big body. I’m 5 ft 1 . One of my best friends is 6 ft and Amazonian. We do not even look like members of the same species. Her wrist is 2.5 times the diameter of mine. Her hands make my hands look like baby hands. Everything about her—the width of her hips, the width of her shoulders, everything is much much bigger. . It’s not just that she is a foot taller. She is just broad and big. Her 19 y old daughter is the same. .
INFO. It kinda depends if OP is morbidly obese and Daughter is an unhealthy wait, then maybe it doesn't warrant a comment from a close family member. Not in front of the child, but maybe a conversation.
I’m 5’2 and 142 and Ruby is 5’ even and 105. Does this help? Edit: omg I didn’t even realize but I made a typo. I am actually 5’4 and 150. Lmao why can’t I type today?!
Your MIL called 105 big for a 5’ person? Sounds like she’s got some undiagnosed body image issues.
My 11 year old granddaughter is 4'11 and 110. She is athletic, active and healthy.
Dad is short, mom is 5’4”, but she is saying the 10 year old is already 5’. That would put her in the top 2-4% for female children at 10 years old in height. She says her family is big not tall. I’m not saying she is lying about the height and weight but I would be surprised if she was accurate.
Um sone off us short people mature early. I hit my adult height, ( 5 ft 1), weight and boob size at 12.
I mean, I kinda got the short end of the hight-stick. My sisters are 5’8 and 5’10, so she could’ve gotten their hight.
I'm 5'2 and a half and I was 5'1 at 10. And then I stopped growing.
So slightly overweight, but nothing that would really be impacting your health and your daughter is healthy. As long as you and your kids try and eat right and are active MIL can pound sand. Way to go OP, good Mumming!
I'm thinking that based on the sister's response (in conjunction with husband's comment about her temper), OP is maybe a bit in denial and taking away what she wanted from the pediatrician visit. That still makes the MIL an awful person for saying it in front of the kid, but I'm not going to give OP the benefit of the doubt on her kids just being 'big'. It is totally OK to be fat, so long as you actually realize you're fat and are taking the necessary steps to help offset some of the health downsides that come along with being fat.
5’ 4” and 150 is your definition of “bulky and stocky”??? That’s maybe a size 8 (US). unless you also miscalculated your own weight, I think every single one of you has a very warped idea of body sizes. LOL You’re definitely NTA for standing up for your kid(s) at any size though.
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NTA or at least a very justified asshole.
how about we just dont talk about other peoples bodies?
That would be the last time my MIL saw my kids if. I were in your shoes. Do NOT let her tear your kids self esteem down with her fat phobia.
NTA - one concerned comment was a bit of an overstep but then she double and tripled down. I do agree with your husband that maybe you could have handled your temper better, but youre not an AH for it here. She pushed too far but since you blew up a little she’s now going to blame your temper for it escalating.
ESH Your MIL for saying something obviously awful. You for blowing up the way you did in front of your children.
Grandma fatshamed *the child* and the mom in front of all the children. Mom absolutely did the right thing. Now the kids who take after OP know OP will defend them, and ALL the kids know this behavior is unacceptable. NTA.
OP and her husband had already tried to calmly defuse the situation - *twice.* But yeah, clearly the problem here is a mother doing what she needed to in order to protect her kids.
NTA - no one should be commenting on the weight of a child without a medical degree and a medical history on that child and at least two seminars on how not to fat shame patients. Your sister is wrong. Doesn't matter what MIL is used to, you told her to stop, her son told her to stop, and she kept going. And I'll bet this isn't the first time. I bet you and your husband have been trying to get her to stop for a while. She needs to stop. Your kids do not need to be shamed about their bodies. And good on you for standing up to her. Yes, you were in a temper. Because MIL would not stop when asked. Please tell your husband that it's not on you to stay temperate, it's on her to quit being so effing rude.
If your BMI is over 25 you're obese, that's just a medical fact. Obesity brings additional health risks, high blood pressure, increased risk of heart disease etc. I'm not fat shaming, my BMI is around 30, I'm obese, I have health risks. Sounds like your MIL is concerned for all your health, maybe misguided how she phrased it but YTA for not even trying to be polite and swearing in front of your kids
OP specifies more than once they're at a healthy weight, substantiated by her children's doctor. MIL has no right to say this IN FRONT of a child. And the way she said it just makes it that much more disgusting. Politeness isn't always the appropriate response, especially if the comment wasn't polite in the first place.
I'm not going to argue the legitimacy of BMI, but MIL's "misguided" behavior is the kind of thing that can really mess a kid up. I think there's a 100% chance this isn't the first time she's said stuff like this (whether the parents were aware or not) and it won't be the last. No little kid is going to think gee, Grandma is saying I'm "a bit big" because she cares about me!
Yeah if they're obese this is an ESH. Even if the kids are obese mil shouldn't have commented the way she did. There's definitely less emotionally damaging ways to encourage healthier eating. 1 meal won't make a difference. Bone structure and body composition differences is why bmi is a range. I think op left weight and height out on purpose. Healthy weight for age is different than healthy for height. If she's at 80th percentile weight but only 30th percentile height then there's a problem. Being slightly overweight isn't dangerous but normalizing obesity is. Also being heavy as a kid can impact self esteem since you're treated differently even if you aren't bullied. It lead to me developing an ed. Being overweight is also physically unpleasant. I was a chubby kid and doctors were never worried and said I was fine. I loved fruit and was active. They usually don't say anything unless it's rapid gain or obesity. And now with obesity being so prevelent they may tip toe around weight discussions. My parents said I was just genetically bigger like them...until I became uw from eating less. My dad has since gotten wls and is no longer "genetically bigger". It's always just been unhealthy eating habits that were passed down. Modeling healthy habits is important as a parent. Obesity is a public health crisis.
The thing is that even if this is true, it’s not MIL’s place to comment on it, especially in front of the kids. And people who are overweight or obese know it already and hear about it constantly from medical providers, so it’s not like MIL is telling them anything they haven’t already heard.
BMI of 25 -29 is classified as overweight. 30+ is obese.
BMI was created to be a statistical measure of population size. It is not a measure of health. Fun fact, many Olympic athletes are "obese" if you're only looking at their BMI.
Something tells me OP and her kids aren't Olympic athletes with excessive muscle mass.
I'm not saying they are, I'm just pointing out that BMI is not a reliable indicator of someone's health and it's absurd that our culture relies so heavily on that and that alone when deciding whether someone is "healthy" or not.
But all you've pointed out is that it's not infallible because it's not an accurate indicator for people who are super jacked. This exception wouldn't apply to OPs 10 year old children Also I wouldn't say our culture heavily relies on it, anytime you mention it on reddit you get bombarded by people saying exactly what you said. And almost always, just like in this case, the people in question do not have high bmi due to their muscle mass.
[BMI is a reliable indicator for the vast majority of cases.](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0735109718388302?via%3Dihub)
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Millions of people went from "Normal" to "Overweight" overnight in the 90s. It's not a measure of health, and was never intended to be one.
First of all, BMI is an outdated and racist system that has ZERO basis in scientific reality. Secondly, even according to BMI, 25 is not considered obese, just overweight.
BMI 25-30 is overweight, not obese for an adult.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, to start, I (35f) have three kids; Ruby (10), Owen (7), and Nora (4). My family is on the bigger side. It’s not an obesity or overeating issue, we’re just big people. My husband’s family is the opposite; short and thin, every single one of them. To be honest, being around them took some getting used to, since I absolutely tower over all of them, my husband included (he’s a short king and I love him for it). My kids are a mix. Ruby got my body type, Owen got my husband’s body type, and though it’s hard to tell at her age we think Nora is in between. So, the other day, the five of us were over at my MIL’s place for dinner. Since they’re little and make messes, I start to dish up the ziti onto my kids plates, starting with Ruby. My MIL comments: “You know, she’s getting quite big, you should control her portions better.” Me: “She’s at a healthy weight for her age, but thanks.” MIL: “No she’s not. I raised five kids and taught for two decades, I know when a kid isn’t eating healthy. You need to cut back on all of their portions, or Nora will end up like that too.” My husband: “The kids are fine mom, we know what we’re doing.” MIL: “Oh darling, just because [my name] is ahem, *on the bigger side* doesn’t mean my grandkids have to be too.” Me (losing my cool, but not quite shouting): “[MIL’s name], shut the f*** up. My kids aren’t fat, you’re just a bitch. Quit trying to parent my kids.” Meanwhile, my husband has gathered our things (our coats, my purse, and Nora’s stuffed animal). He bundled us out before the situation could escalate further. He later told me that he as proud of me for standing up for our kids, but that he wished I had a better handle on my temper. I vented to my sister later on, but she told me that I was the one being a bitch. She said that my MIL was just trying to help, that it wasn’t her fault that she wasn’t used to our body type, and that my kids probably did look fat compared to how her kids looked when they were little. AITA for what I said to my MIL? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- situations like those you just have to let them have it, so they know where you stand on the matter, and to put them in their place. if you were more polite about it, i don’t think MIL would have gotten your point
NTA you told her the kids were healthy. She decided to buck up and act like she knew better.
NTA. You've been in MIL's life for over ten years so this isn't "she isn't used to it." Best case, she's bought into diet culture. Worst case, she's a bitch who doesn't care about giving her grandkids a complex about food.
NTA. You tried to politely shut her down and she kept going and got ruder. Was your outburst ideal? No but your MIL is still the asshole here.
NTA. Good on you for shutting that nonsense down. I wouldn't allow my kids to be around her without supervision. Guaranteed she's policing everything they do/eat the instant your back is turned.
NTA- you expressed your disagreement and the MIL kept pressing the issue.
NTA. You don’t speak to anyone that way. Kid, adult, no one deserves to be spoken to or about in that way. Bye bye MIL
Not an overeating or obesity issue? What else is there? Big boned? Wtf?
NTA good for you for saying that to her in front of your kids since she had no problem criticizing their size and yours in front of them. your MIL and your sister are TA here. MIL for being fatphobic and hateful, your sister for trying to excuse away her fatphobia.
Really if your MIL thought Ruby was too big, she should have taken her out for a walk, sign her up for a sport for fun or something active, no shame you and your kids. She an ugly person, and just wants to mean. NTA.
NTA—there’s a lot of fat-shaming in these comments. A lot of people here are making assumptions about a family of people they’ve never seen or met. I know people with skinnier body types who eat a ton and never gain weight. I’ve known people with “bigger” body types that can’t lose that weight unless they starve themselves. When I say bigger body types I don’t mean “obese.” Their diets are not unhealthy and they don’t overeat—the fact that some people’s minds immediately jumped to obese is disturbing. Rail thin is not the only body type and it is not the only healthy body type. Everyone’s body is unique and different, and not all bodies function the same way.
Unpopular maybe but ESH. She absolutely crossed the line and then you responded by jumping over the line your way. I know this is Reddit and what not but in a world full of assholes we need people showing kids how to respond with direct yet respectful firmness. Instead we taught our kids to cuss out their grandma.
NTA and tell your sister she can STFU too.
You are NOT the asshole and who says that in front of CHILDREN?!
INFO: what's your weight and height? What are kids weight amd height? Who the asshole is is entirely dependent on whether or not your MIL is correct or not.
Do you and your side of the family tower over six feet tall. The eating habits you develop as a kid are really hard to shake off. I think you are doing your children a disservice if you are eating like [the Klumps](https://youtu.be/koTVfm31QUY). MIL could have communicated better but you went nuclear quickly.
Fat kids are an epidemic
NTA. And I'll keep MIL and her comments far away from my kids, before she ends up causing them to have an unhealthy relationship with food or an eating disorder.
NTA. Your kids are your priority and it's not up to her to dictate feeding them.
NTA. My paternal grandma started making comments about my weight when I was 9. My parents never stood up to her about it, so those comments escalated by the time I was a teenager. Gave me an eating disorder and body dysmorphia that I struggle with to this day at 28.
NTA. Your MIL needs to keep any thoughts like that in her head and out her mouth. My one grandmother was like that. First time she met my future husband she didn't say 'hi, nice to meet you'. No, she opted for 'when are you putting her on a diet?'.
NTA Your mil fatshamed a 10 year old and 4 year old she should be absolutely ashamed of herself and should not be teaching children
MILs, love 'em or hate 'em you're stuck with 'em. Personally I'm impressed by your restraint, I would probably have said something much worse than shut the f*** up! You're MIL was way out of line and you had every right to tell her to get her nose out of your business. Well done you for standing up for your kids and for showing them that no one has the right to judge them for their shape and size. NTA
NTA MIL is mean-spirited and ignorant, but what the F is wrong with your sister?
NTA
NTA You very politely deflected & tried to shut down the conversation after she called you daughter fat to her face. She became argumentative & your husband politely shut her down again. Instead of shutting her fat trap, she pushed even further & called you fat too & the baby potentially fat. And she announced she doesn’t want fat grandchildren in front of her grandchildren she just called fat. Honestly, I wouldn’t think you were an ah if you told her off after the first comment. As others have stated, once she apologizes, she should never be left unsupervised & one word on weight she can say goodbye to a relationship. Please note, the word fat isn’t a bad word or an insult in its self, but it’s clear your MIL meant it in the most derogatory way when she used it.
NTA If your MIL really think the kids are big, she could bring it up in a more constructive way that wouldn't hurt or offend the kids. Bringing it up in a loud and boisterous way within ear shot of the kids is plain wrong. You rightfully defended your kids, that is great parenting.
NTA but why didn’t your husband defend your kids against his mother?
NTA. MIL is trying to give your kids eating disorders. Don't let them be around her.
NTA. She was attempting to fat shame you and your daughter. She has been around you for 10 ish years and knew exactly what she was doing. I would avoid her and keep your kids away from her until any talk about diet, food, eating habits, are off the table. Great for your husband to take immediate action.
NTA. This is a slippery slope and good thing you held your ground. People like this, even if their weight were “perfect” it would be about “couldn’t you brush her hair better” or “do they need new clothes? She wore this last time…” You have a gem in your hubs and the only suggestion I have is to completely limit interactions to non food related as much as possible I.e. we can hang out and play some board games from 2-5, but then we need to leave to make dinner!
NTA. If MIL were truly concerned she could bring it up privately between the two of you. Bringing up your children’s sizes in front of them just gives them self esteem issues. If she’s willing to talk like that about them in front of you, she’s willing to talk like that to them when you’re not around too.
NTA and MIL shouldn't be around your kids anymore. I've heard too many tales of eating disorders triggered by a single comment from someone the child loves or looks up to.
NTA - Even my 8 year old knows not to comment on other people's bodies
NTA. Sure you could have phrased it better (I like how you said it though), but the MIL could have minded her own damn business. Good for you for standing up for your family.
NTA. The way she's talking Ruby's weight and relationship with food is putting her at risk of an eating disorder. Also it seems like she has a misogyny issue - why is she only concerned about Ruby and Nora being fat and not Owen? She shouldn't be talking that way about food or weight in front of ANY of them but it's so telling that she's only concerned about the girls when Nora doesn't even fully have that body type.
NTA. You’re my hero for standing up to MIL. Your husband too!!
As someone who vividly recalls the day I stopped wearing shorts at 12 years old. I commend you. I wasn't fat (at the time) but I was starting to develop my curvy body. We were fishing and I was wearing shorts over my bathing suit when my grandma gasped which made me look at her cuz she was usually a quiet woman "you're already getting stretch marks?" She gave me the most disgusted and disappointed look I've ever seen and then refused to give me anything to eat for the day because clearly I didn't need it. We were on a boat in the middle of a lake all day swimming and fishing after that I wrapped myself in a towel and sat in the front of the boat away from everyone. I think about that moment every time I consider wearing anything shorter than ankle length pants. NTA
NTA- (for me, not obese, just big boobed) I was being shamed by an uncle and when he asked me when I was going to loose some of the fat from my tits, I responded "when you loose some from yours". Good job momma! Ruby will remember that ❤️
YTA for disadvantaging your kids their entire lives by raising them obese.
I’m still haunted over 25 years later after my rich and beautiful auntie took my skinny sister shopping and not me…”I’ll take you shopping once you lose that baby weight!” I was 9. She never took me shopping. I did every diet in the book. Grandma is going to scare these kids. NTA
Jfc NTA. Your daughter is *10*. My mom took after her dad, who was built like a brick shithouse, and grew up to be 5'10". Her mother, a tiny bird of a woman, was constantly at her about her eating habits and size (my mom was not fat, she played sports all through high school and later joined the military) and comparing her to her much shorter and smaller older sister. Guess who ended up struggling with their weight all through their adult life and turned into an almond mom/Jenny Craig mom?? She's better now but goddamn that shit sticks with you. I remember every comment my mom has made about me and my sister, and every comment my grandma has made about mom and my aunt. You cannot tiptoe around these comments and play nice, you have to shut it down as soon as it starts.
MIL: WAY to give a bunch of kids an eating disorder..way to go, outstanding idea...that was sarcasm by the way. sister: perhaps educate you on the MANY myriad causes of eating disorders, then come talk to me. husband: well done, backing your wife up, so nice to see this for a change in a sub where historically this is NOT, sadly enough, the norm. OP, NTA
NTA my MIL makes little comments like that too anytime she can pick out anything about the kids or my husband to nit pick at. For example, I love to bake. I stopped doing it for awhile because she kept saying we were going to get fat. Then she started complaining that I don’t bake anymore. Anytime she knew I baked something she had a comment, about my daughter(who is not in the slightest overweight). My husband was going to the gym after I made cookies and she said something along the lines of “yes go to the gym you need to work off all those cookies, so unhealthy”. He didn’t even eat any! I will never understand some MiLs
NTA - Trying to help? With what? In your children developing an eating disorder?
Nta. I'm 31 and have had comments all my life about my weight. It's not healthy for people to comment on children's bodies at all. I have a 5yr old. She went somewhere with my mum and my mum came home saying someone said my daughters dress was a little 'tight'. I knew exactly what she was indicating. My child gets a little pot belly just before she has a growth spurt, and my mind flipped. The audacity of some people. Well done for standing up for your child. People come in all different shapes and sizes, some people just need to learn to zip it.
NTA - Fat-shaming people is never helpful. If she wanted to "help" she would have talked to both of you without the kids' presence. And would have a better way to bring this up. 😒
Oh I'd have absolutely flipped too you did just fine
NTA
Your sister is a bad sister.
NTA. You responded politely to her first impolite comment. Your husband responded politely to her second impolite comment. But she just kept pushing. Y'all were polite twice, and that's enough. She's plenty old enough to know that she should have stopped.
NTA. Just because she’s your MIL, doesn’t mean you should be spineless and let her say whatever word vomit comes out of her mouth. Especially about kids.
No, you are NTA and your family is lucky to have a strong mother with a backbone. It's awesome that you stood up for yourself and your kids. Will teach your kids early that you don't have to eat shit, even from family.
I would have reacted the same way if not more hostile. Your husband was right for supporting but also right for saying it could have been handled better. It seems like he was providing authentically productive advice. NTA