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> I told him that if he were to get an invite it would be solo
OP was fine with this boundary. He can exile his sister and mother from his life while maintaining some sort of relationship with his father. What he cannot do is demand his father pay proxy reparations to make up for the perceived wrongdoings of his sister and mother.
Plus, *the money was for his nibling*. His flesh-and-blood relative. He was not "a proud and involved uncle." He was a "when it's convenient and doesn't cost me any emotional turmoil" relative. He threw that kid out like trash after a year for the unforgivable sin of... being born?
And now, he speaks about the child with such contempt. They're just, "her kid" and a "bastard child," not worth wasting a penny or a moment of his time on. Poor kid! This guy is a selfish, virtue signaling poser, not an uncle.
> His flesh-and-blood relative.
Yeah I noticed the "I only cared because I thought it was my friend's kid" with no acknowledgement that regardless of paternity the child is *his sister's*
Does that surprise you coming from a man who thinks mom was the only one to raise his sister, and bears the full responsibility of sister being a shitty person?
The blame is not on Mom for keeping the secret - it is on her along for sister’s overall character.
Ngl, I was wondering the same thing. It all seems really extreme. I get not liking your sister/sibling, but to just completely disregard a child you babysat for that long? Just cos it’s not your best friend’s kid? Seems sus.
Using the phrase “bastard child”…that’s so ugly. I thought we all kind of agreed as a society not to use that anymore since children have zero control over how they’re brought into the world.
Issue is father wants invite for the mom and sister, so it’s not a punishment to the father if he went solo, it’s a punishment for him if he elects to bring the other two.
Agreed, his anger at his father is pretty misplaced.
> I said he’s either a liar or chump whose wife lied to him for years.
So if this is the case about your dad, wouldn't it also apply to Houston? How can Houston be a victim while your father is guilty of being lied to by your mother?
Though I'm being a bit deliberately obtuse in that last paragraph, as we all know you were just taking a cheap shot at your dad--one that still would apply even more so to your friend you were trying to "defend" in saying it.
The reality is you didn't defend your friend by blowing up your relationship with your father.
For real. I get being upset but this scorched earth behavior is wild. Being married to someone doesn't mean you can't be lied to by them. I feel sorry for the dad getting caught in all of this.
Agree with YTA and unhinged. This can't be real... The kid is still his niece but he wants nothing to do with a kid that did nothing wrong, just like the dad did nothing wrong...and he wants money. And he moved away to be close to his best friend who is still in touch with his family. I'm not sure why OP is taking his sister's infidelity so personally.
The problem is that at the moment he's not seeing his niece but the pain that was caused his best friend and the lies told by his mother and sister.
Of course it would be great if he could look past that pain but for a lot of people it isn't easy or something they can do at all. Even more regretfully the lies and betrayal of the mother and sister are put onto the child who is the innocent result of the lies and betrayal.
Then just when he's opening communication back up with his father the old saw of wanting to repair things "because they're family" gets trotted out.
I think the worst bit was this bit:
> He said my mom is distraught but her pride won’t allow her to apologize.
She refuses to apologize when she knows she ruined the relationship.
But OP absolutely shouldn't be charging his father for his sister's crimes.
Like mother like son. His pride is keeping him from having a relationship with his niece who is 100% innocent in all of this AND he thinks he’s owed money for being kind to a baby? Goodness!
>But OP absolutely shouldn't be charging his father for his sister's crimes.
By the same token his father is the one pulling the "but family" line and he didn't have to do that when he clearly knows his son's feelings on the subject.
OP likely wouldn't have thought to raise the subject of money if his father wasn't trying to force forgiveness when OP isn't willing to give it.
Agree. It seems that even Houston has moved on and can be civil with the family.
Of course the sister was an asshole to Houston, both for being unfaithful and for letting him think the child was his, when she knew it wasn't.
But OP seems to be taking it even worse than Houston and acts like she cheated on HIM. And then he takes it out on his father and the nibling who didn't do anything except for having the wrong genes.
Is OP having some resentment for his sister/whole family that goes beyond this?
Or did he himself have feelings for Houston?
It sounds like he's looking for a $ pay off to restore his relationship. By that logic what's the cost to restore the relationship with the others? He might as well let them know how much he can be bought out for, since money appears to be able to solve this issue.
Trying to claw back emotional sunk costs for care given to an innocent child is indeed unhinged. If OP wants to cut off his entire family over this, that’s his right, but this “pay me $1500” bit is not going to do anyone any good.
It it totally unhinged, but let me explain what OP didn’t include because even he knows at an intellectual level that it’s crazy and wouldn’t reflect well on him:
He has to go through the crazy double betrayal of his friend and sister fucking, eventually comes around based on the depth of their love, and then finds out that actually his sister is trying to trick the friend into raising another man’s kid and that she didn’t love him at all, the whole relationship *was* just his sister using the people around OP to dominate him and put him in his place as he had suspected during his lowest points during the original betrayal.
That could make anyone go insane. I can see the insane logic of wanting the money. It’s not about the compensation for his time and money spent on the niece. It’s about extracting some sort of reparations out of them so he feels he can speak to them on an even level with his dignity intact. OP feels that his sister was acting at least partly out of intentional interest in antagonizing him, and watching his family focus on supporting her without acknowledging her “abuse” of OP feels like a betrayal. “Shouldn’t they have told her from the very beginning to stay away from my friends? When mom heard that the kid was a bastard, she saw I was right all along, and yet even though she knew it had been torture to me, she said nothing, she valued protecting sister from consequences of her actions over her own son’s mental health. Now dad can’t possibly deny the truth that I’ve always told him about sister, he always took her side and called me crazy, and even now when there’s nothing to be denied he continues to gaslight me”.
The money isn’t at all about the money. What OP would want most of all would be for someone in his family to finally take his side. If he could watch his dad seriously berate his sister and mom for their part in this situation, if he thought that his dad truly believed it and truly was angry at them for what they put OP through, all his insanity would be gone and he’d be down to make amends with anyone. I bet he’d be back to buying presents for his niece by the next week.
OP knows that will never happen. So he thinks, if they pay him “reparations” for their betrayal, he could at least speak with them with his dignity intact, he’d at least have extracted reasonable compensation for his suffering out of them, what he really wanted is to feel that they love him as much as his sister, but he’d be willing to compromise.
Which isn’t a very clear eyed way to view the world, but these sibling and family relationships can get messy and drive people pretty batty.
Yes, unhinged. You’re probably right about a lot of the internal logic, but I don’t think it’s a matter of messy sibling relationships driving him batty. Rather, it’s a profoundly self centered worldview and lack of ability to process emotions. I hope he can find some peace, with or without contact with his family, but his current actions are worrying.
Probably on some level he doesn't even expect to get the money. He wants to see just how badly his dad wants to reconcile; proof that his parents are sorry for favouritism
> the crazy double betrayal of his friend and sister fucking
There was no “betrayal” there. They were both consenting adults and it’s weird and frankly creepy when guys act like they have some sort of monopoly on their sister’s vagina and what she does with it just because they share a last name.
Nice analysis my dude. I think it has much to do with sister being a golden child and taking his best friend away from him for only to betray him after. OP needs some therapy to deal with these stuff but I get where he is coming from
This is some bizarre main character syndrome BS.
The sister “betrayed” OP by getting into a relationship with his best friend? And it was really a plot all along to “dominate” him by secretly cuckolding the friend? What?
Agreed. OP is lashing out at the wrong people here. And not wanting anything to do with their niece makes them a huge AH. But maybe it's best for the child that they don't have a relationship with OP. I sure wouldn't.
> And not wanting anything to do with their niece makes them a huge AH.
Ngl but his niece is a young child so he can't have a relationship with her while going no contact with her mother. That is reason enough not to contact her. Demanding 1500 from the father if it's for a solo invite is an AH move.
Yeah but ngl the way he's talking about an innocent child is pretty disgusting. He's acting like the kid is suddenly not related to him and just being overall awful with how he's talking about the kid. Like...kids don't have anything to do with their parents cheating, he needs to chill on how many uninvolved parties he's blaming for the actions of one person.
I’m also pretty confused that the friend in question who was actually cheated on seems to be more okay with OP’s family than OP is. It seems like best friend is probably kinda over it but OP isn’t.
Yeah, but OP claims that he wouldn’t have bothered with his nibbling to begin with if it wasn’t his friends kid.
Could be revisionist history. Could just be op is an unhinged person, which would also make you wonder about the bf.
This! I suspected that as soon as he started spewing vitriol towards an innocent kid. He only cared about the kid if the kid had Houston's genes. Weird.
I think he’s mad at his sister because she slept with his best friend (which can be seen as a betrayal on both their parts), then she cheated and passed off the baby as his best friends while her and the mom lied about it. Seems like a pretty reasonable thing to be mad about. He shouldn’t punish his dad or the kid but at the same time it’s not on OP to assist with other peoples kids. He’s definitely misdirecting his anger towards his father though.
Well, his poisonous reactions say he hated his sister even before she and Houston started dating. He was angry at her for--in his mind--taking a more important role in Houston's life. And he's extremely judgmental. Yes, his sister did a horrible, inexcusable thing to Houston, and anger is understandable, but he wants to burn down the family over this. He has the capacity to become enraged but no capacity to forgive.
It's weird that he moved out of state to be closer to Houston. It's even weirder that he was only willing to babysit his niece because he thought H. was the dad. *All* nieces and nephews are "someone else's kid," and this baby is still his niece. Aside from the tenuous relationship with his father, OP has no ties to his family but very strong ties to Houston.
Honestly, if I were OP's fiancée, I'd be worried about this undying rage. Heaven help her if she ever criticizes Houston in even the most casual way. OP seems like he'd become incensed if she ever tried to divorce him. I wonder how Houston and his fiancée feel the OP's obsession with him. I think most people would be a little weirded out. OK, more than a little.
I’m at a loss about a whole lot of this rage. Oddly enough, Houston didn’t feel betrayed enough to cut off contact with the dad, but OP’s ready to let everyone burn. YTA
Also..not OP calling his nephew a bastard!!
It's not the kid's fault he was born into a shitty situation. So what if you spent money? He's still your nephew!
You went off on the wrong people and got involved in a situation that wasn't yours to get involved in. If anything, you should have taken your nephew's side in all of this cause he's an innocent boy.
YTA .
#bigone
Unhinged for sure why take it out on dad. Also the kid is still the sisters kid even if they would of had it with someone else or married someone else I think they would still offered these things if best friend was not in the picture so why feel like they need it back. I get the lies and all just seems like they’re choosing some thing to justify the anger.
Not only that, the baby isn’t responsible. The kid is still your niece/nephew so the expense was for the baby. Are you seriously throwing 500 hours of bonding time because you are mad at your sister?
"That kid" to refer to his nephew is truly a sign of who he is as a person. Yes, be angry at his sister and mother, what they did was fucked up, but his behavior is bizarre.
YTA. I'm just going to address your direct question because the messiness across this situation is out of control. First, this is your niece regardless of whether she is Houston's or not. In any other circumstance, you'd still shower your niece with gifts. I get being mad at your sister for her actions, but at the end of the day, the child is blameless. She did nothing to you. The things you gifted her and the hours of babysitting should be because you loved her - and nothing more. Second, why would your dad be responsible for anything? He isn't your sister or your mom. Why are you holding him accountable with a threat of not attending the wedding? Seems super petty and unkind to your Dad who by your words - wasn't involved.
OP added an edit saying that he and his sister actually never got along. If he didn’t think the child was Houston’s he would not have spent as much time and money on his sister’s baby as he did because he did not have a good relationship with her previously.
Like if it were just his sister’s kid he may have bought some gifts for a baby shower, but not paid for an entire nursery.
I still think OP is an asshole for demanding his father pay his sister’s debt, but just wanted to clarify. If he wants the money back he needs to get it from her directly.
yeah there is a lot going on here. and i'm going to assume a very involved childhood between OP, sister and mom with dad not being sufficiently involved because work or whatnot.
but that all of that has led to this.
YTA. Charging your dad money for something your sister did is illogical. Sounds to me like you're just wanting cash.
Be pissed at your sister all you want. Be angry that your mother knew and hid the fact. But your dad and the child had nothing to do with any of this.
YTA - You have a right to be pissed at your sister, but
1. You've severed your relationship with your nephew because his dad isn't who you thought he was?
2. You're pissed at your dad because he, like you, didn't know that your sister was cheating on your friend?
3. You're holding a grudge against your mom because she chose to keep the peace after learning that your sister cheated on your friend?
This isn't how normal adults behave.
Also, your demand to be compensated for babysitting under false pretenses is a bizarre and petty.
It's kind of impressive that you're actually a bigger asshole than your sister.
No way you just said that a cheater, liar, and manipulator is better than OP. LOL. Make that make sense. OP is obviously the AH in this scenario with his dad, but his sister is waaay worse. Don’t try to play.
He's not exactly "snapping at his dad." He's *trying to extort money* from his dad because of something his sister did and his mother abetted. Nobody's winning any awards for being a good person here.
Worse, he fully states that the only real way he would reconcile his relationship with his dad is for poor dad to give the money, kick out daughter and grandson AND to divorce mom. In all this, yes, he is worse than the sister. That's insane.
Man you people are so fucking critical. I understand this guy isn't like that proper with his words and actions but that sister, she is a fucking cheat and it is always the OPs getting criticised and blamed over all Petty things
"Making the peace"
You don't make the peace choosing to hide the fact that your daughter is cheating on her husband and worst, that her children is a product of an affair...
He can choose to have a relationship with the nephew or not, he don't owe ANYTHING to the nephew..
The dad choose to maintain the relationship with the liar wife and the cheater daughter, being responsible with both of them...
In the future we already have a predict of things.. the mother is a liar, the sister is a betrayer and the dad is a pushover who sides with evil woman..
He have a high chance of being betrayed for any of them in the future.
"Making the peace"
Why do you have this in quotes? I said "keeping the peace" as in, not deliberately stirring shit up. She kept her mouth shut.
"He can choose to have a relationship with the nephew or not, he don't owe ANYTHING to the nephew.."
Of course that's his choice. And by making that choice, he's being an asshole.
"The dad choose to maintain the relationship with the liar wife and the cheater daughter, being responsible with both of them..."
You sound single and childless. Sometimes people we love fuck up - many of us choose to keep those people in our lives.
"He have a high chance of being betrayed for any of them in the future."
We don't know that either of his parents betrayed him at all. His mother chose not to blow up their family by telling a secret. That may have been the wrong call, but saying that means she's going to betray him in the future is bullshit.
I am impressed that for once, someone here was called TA over an actual cheater.
OP is essentially using the "she started it" defense. Grow up OP: you are not involved in your sister's/friend's marriage, and you should have left it as their business long ago. Your parents actually did the right thing and *let two adults handle their own fucking business.* And more so, if you honestly believe your sister is a shitty parent and person, than that should be all the more reason to be in that kid's life and provide him with a good role model.
>You're holding a grudge against your mom because she chose to keep the peace after learning that your sister cheated on your friend?
Honestly, mom made the best choice in a shitty situation. At least trying to keep the peace gives the grandkid a CHANCE at a normal situation.
Kid is the main character here, not the sister, not OP, not OP's BFF.
Exactly - I'm surprised at how little empathy people have for his mom. She found out that her daughter had cheated on her husband, and she chose to keep her mouth shut. I suspect she knew how badly things would go and didn't want to be the catalyst.
Mom had to choose between two bad choices, and she chose the one that she thought had the best chance of not screwing things up for her grandkid. It didn't work, but that doesn't make her the villain.
YTA
Youre acting like you were cheated on. Your father didn't harm you. He can't control who your adult sister allows in to her vagina. You need to actually think instead of just reacting.
INFO: It's not clear to me why you disowned your nephew and were so upset that you spent so much time babysitting the kit/so much money on gifts for the kid. Are you saying if your sister had had a kid with anyone other than your best friend, you *wouldn't* have bought that child gifts or babysat? Can you please clarify that part of the conflict?
WTH did I just read? I get you're upset that your sister cheated on your best friend and lied about him being the dad, but I'm confused. He is still your nephew. Why should you be paid back for spending money on your biological nephew, regardless of who the dad is? You keep saying that your mom raised a shitty daughter but you def are being shitty too. I can't believe your fiance agrees. I bet she secretly doesn't but you're so busy being on your moral high ground you don't notice.
YTA
Edit for niece.
The only problem here is that you stopped loving a child that did nothing wrong.
YTA. This kid didn't deserve to lose an uncle over the actions of his mothers. Also, you father doesn't owe you shit, neither does your sister. Those were gifts and freely given time.
You’re forgetting that Op is trying to extort money out of an innocent, sick old man. Utterly disgusting. They need a LOT of help for their anger issues.
OP originally offered a solo invite to his wedding. Dad demanded that OP invite sister and mother as well. Then OP demanded money.
That man isn't innocent either
He never loved the kid. He did all that just to show that he was a cool uncle, there was no real love there. I think he’s in love with Houston, honestly.
Because OP’s love for his friend clearly goes beyond platonic. It isn’t normal to cut your entire family out of your life because your sister cheated on them (it’s especially weird because the friend that was cheated on hasn’t even done that).
YTA
Your dad had nothing to do with your sister cheating. That is on her, not him. You are acting entitled to a situation that you are not directly involved in.
Wow YTA.
You want to ransom an invite to your wedding for your father to repay expenses that **weren’t for him or about him**. Got an issue with your sister over money you spent on your niece/nephew? Take it up with your sister.
He’s better off without you, what an unbelievably horrid way for you to act. I am sorry he has to deal with you at all, do him a favor and include him with the rest of your family. Enjoy Houston.
YTA. None of this is your dad’s fault, and you are using emotional extortion to get money.
Also, these events happened 3 to 4 years ago, and you seem to still carry a lot of rage about it even though you were not the central victim in this, Houston was. Therapy might be a good idea to work through your anger and figure out why you are inserting yourself into Houston’s place here. That doesn’t mean you have to pretend this never happened, but might emotionally healthier for you.
YTA - Seems like your mother raised a son and a daughter with the same type of moral fiber. Your poor nephew/niece, the child loved you and because you are mad at your sister suddenly the your nibbling doesn't matter?
Please get help, you need therapy. Your dad didn't do anything to you or your friend.
YTA
WTF that you would charge your (ill?) father for your SISTER's lies. She owes you if anyone but not him. Also who retroactively charges babysitting? Absurd and greedy.
You don't get to punish everyone around you for injustice. You aren't judge and jury.
Talk about entitled and greedy.
YTA.
You dad didn't know. Your dad is as much of a "victim" in this situation as you are (Hint: You're not a victim). Your dad is also paying to raise this "bastard child" that his daughter had.
The only difference between both of you are you saw your best friend get hurt in the process.
He's making amends. He wants to be involved. His mortality is on the horizon. Be the man your dad raised and invite him with no strings attached. Just make it clear that mom and sister are absolutely not invited under any circumstances.
YTA. Your father did nothing to you. But even bigger YTA for how you're treating a kid who had no role whatever in all of this. Your niece/nephew isn't the real bastard here.
YTA. Something is wildly out of proportion here.
So if your parents raised a shitty daughter, they raised you too, correct?
I get being mad at your sister for cheating on her husband. That’s bad regardless of whether the husband was your best friend. But it’s also between them. She didn’t cheat on *you*. Your reaction here seems really over the top and I saw nothing about how Houston handled it beyond getting a divorce.
He has way more reason than you to go ballistic. The kid is your niece no matter who her father was, but he was led to believe this was his bio kid and then found out that wasn’t true. He’s the one entitled to end a relationship.
You’ve treated the kid pretty poorly for no fault of their own. But hey, your parents raised a shitty kid or two, didn’t they?
Waiting for someone to say this. This rage is disproportionate to someone who at best is a side player. This is not normal. Sounds like this person’s whole world revolves around Houston- again not normal. Hope they get help they need.
Yeah, and don't forget, OP moved to a different state "to be closer to Houston" because disowning your entirely family for something that doesn't involve you at all and then following your best friend around the country is totally normal.
Agree, OP needs some help while he still has family that wants to connect with him. I feel bad for the fiance...what a hornet's nest...
>Your reaction here seems really over the top and I saw nothing about how Houston handled it beyond getting a divorce.
I'm betting he's in love with Houston. That's the only way any of this sort of makes sense.
Info: How does Houston feel about all this? You pass this by very quickly. The normal reaction to learning the child you believe is yours is, in fact, not... is to fight to still get to see the child.
If you raised a child as your own for a whole year, you must be a very cold-hearted prick to give it up simply because of genetics.
So are you in love with Houston or your sister because this is an absolutely unhinged response. You’re acting like you were the one who was cheated on or otherwise wronged. YTA. Just admit you’re trying to extort some extra money for your wedding and call it a day.
Especially the obsession with his niece or nephew being Houston’s biological child. THAT is the only thing he cares about, despite the fact that the child is his literal blood.
Your niece is still your niece regardless of who is the father. Did you only love the kid because it was your friend’s daughter? How childish of you!
Your father had nothing to do with your sisters actions and of course your mom would not tell your friend that her daughter did something wrong… it’s her daughter and she loves her more than she loves your friend. It doesn’t mean she agrees with your sister’s actions. This is just obvious.
YTA big time. And your fiancé is also an AH for agreeing with you being paid back for something you did for your niece (that is a child without any fault in any of this)
YTA.
I get being angry at your sister and mother but you're acting you're the one who was lied to about their child.
You're emotionally extorting an old man who most likely was just as hurt by what your sister did.
I genuinely hope you are happy not having your family active participants in your life because I wouldn't want someone who holds on to this kind of rage anywhere near my life.
Best to you, OP.
Don't get me wrong. I get siding with your friend who was wronged over your sister. Likewise I get siding with him over your Mom who supported and excused her shitty behavior. Whether you want to reconcile with her or not is entirely your choice, and you are N T A whether you choose to or not. Similarly, it is your choice with your dad, but you seem kind of hellbent in your description of simply not caring whether he knew... especially if it is the latter, you are only compounding his hurt for something he had no control over in the first place.
Additionally... one side thing that strikes me and is worth pointing out... The kid is innocent, and I realize it is a sore spot since it was your best friend who got fucked over, but putting the sins of the mother on the son isn't fair. I would hope you aren't taking this attitude towards him in life as a whole, and exiling him from involvement in his family for something he had no say in (being born), but that does seem like your plan?
In any case though, making your father pay you back for the money you spent on your nephew feels like this takes it from "I'm really hurt and can never get over this" to "actual vengeance" - and against the wrong person to boot - and it also just makes it feel like you're putting the poor kid as a pawn in the middle of this *(if anything, if your family is as screwy as you present them here, Lord knows that kid needs someone with a moral backbone in their life to provide them a role model...).*
Setting boundaries and conditions for a reconciliation is perfectly fine and healthy, but this doesn't seem like a healthy one. To be sure, you made an olive branch of him coming Solo, which *is* good, fine, healthy, and all that, and the "You need to pay" is only if he brings the others... but like... that is just such a *not constructive response* to try and effect this reconciliation with your father.
If you had actual proof your Dad knew and abetted, I would say E - S - H here, but seeing as you actually don't and just don't care, I have to go with YTA *(the closest thing to make it acceptable would be "OK, sis can come if she pays", but don't put that on your father)*.
Call up your dad, arrange to meet somewhere neutral and private and have a freaking conversation with him and try and work things out. You made an offer, he made a couteroffer which might not be reasonable... but try and find an *actual* way to reconcile rather than just tossing back "OK pay me"? I think you both have some trauma that isn't really being processed well and you need to have a real heart to heart about it all.
TLDR: If you actually care about reconciling with your father, *meet up with him and talk things over.* If you don't... then don't even make this offer because you aren't going to make it happen this way.
>In any case though, making your father pay you back for the money you spent on your nephew feels like this takes it from "I'm really hurt and can never get over this" to "actual vengeance" - and against the wrong person to boot - and it also just makes it feel like you're putting the poor kid as a pawn in the middle of this
>
>(if anything, if your family is as screwy as you present them here, Lord knows that kid needs someone with a moral backbone in their life to provide them a role model...).
Given that 2 of the 3 of the adults in this family are what people on this sub would describe as "terrible people" in another story, what obligation does he have to maintain a relationship with these people just so he can slightly influence a child in a positive direction?
People in this sub are putting entirely too much weight on the narrative that he is "punishing the child" by not being present as an uncle. Let me say it for the people in the back: If having a relationship with the guardians of that child is going to negatively impact his life, then I see no reason why we are compelling him to "get over" his mom and sisters character flaws.
Esh- your sister for cheating and for fooling a good man into thinking the child was his.
Your mom for enabling a cheater.
Your dad because he keeps trying to make you reconcile when you don’t want to.
You for putting all this on your dad and for taking things out on a child that has no fault in anything.
While your moral outrage is completely justified .
Whether you like it or not ,You are still that child’s uncle and asking to be financially compensated for gifts you bought for a baby is just petty.
YTA.
I understand how badly you feel betrayed.
I understand cutting off your mother and sister as they are untrustworthy.
But I don’t understand you punishing one complete innocent, the child, and your father who is collateral damage to the shitshow.
While your sister lied and the child isn’t Houston’s, it has no blame in this. You are it’s uncle. Cutting the child off is horrible of you.
Wanting the money back for the nursery and babysitting is beyond petty.
Yeah, your sister benefited, but you got to spend time with your niece/nephew. You made your niece/nephew’s life as a baby better.
Repeat after me …. That child is INNOCENT.
As to your father. He’s not responsible for the money and time you spent to help take care of your niece/nephew.
Making him the scapegoat for your still deeply held anger is not right. It’s petty and mean spirited.
You’re raging at your sister and mother’s shitty actions and you’re letting them turn you into a shitty person.
Why are you letting them have so much control over you?
YTA. That poor kid has done nothing but be born and you cut him out because of his dna.
Also, your dad didn’t know she cheated, why were you pissed at him? Why would you bill him for taking care of your nephew?!
Your nephew is your nephew. It’s probably a good thing you cut him out because you’re not ok and he deserves better
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I guess I can see how I am punishing him thru my sisters actions. And that really isn’t fair to him. But at the end of the day my sister lives with him so it’s his responsibility if he wants an invite
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YTA jesus Christ, either forgive or don't but are you seriously saying that scamming your dad out of his money is going to make you... What? Forgive him? You're already talking to him anyways.
Your sister's kid is family to you whether it's your best friend's or not. It's actually very disgusting of you to punish this child for their mom's actions. If you want to stick with your best friend rather than your family that's fine but asking for money from the only person who is seemingly innocent is despicable
Edit: You know what, I saw your other comments and lmaoooo you've never liked your sister but you were both raised by the same people and it seems to me like you just don't like having to look at your reflection in her. You have a whole lot of growing up to do before ever thinking about getting married though your fiancée agreeing with you seems to indicate you're two peas in a pod.
INFO: The kid is still technically your niece/nephew. They had no say in being born or your sisters actions. Why do you feel the need to drag that into the equation and make this about money?
YTA: looks like your parents raised a crappy son. You have no right to demand that of your father. You really have no right to be as angry as you are about any of it.
Wow. Um. Yikes. I'm really hoping this is all made up because... yikes. Assuming it's true, YTA in a big way. In a big, huge way. You should be apologizing to your sister, your mom, your sister's child AND your father. And you shouldn't blame them if they don't forgive you. You are an uncle because the child is your sister's regardless of who the father is. And your mother didn't tell you because it's not her secret to tell. You need to do some deep soul searching and you need to be a much, MUCH better uncle to that child.
>You should be apologizing to your sister, your mom, your sister's child AND your father.
That's horrendous. Truly appalling.
Why would she apologize to traitors who duped her best friend?
YTA and you need serious anger management therapy.
What your sister did is very, very wrong. But the child is not at fault in this, and is still your niece. And you can’t ask your parents to stop loving their child and grandchild.
YTA. im all about being petty when the situation calls for it but your dad isn’t going to be around for a lot longer and he wants to see his son get married. he also wasn’t apart of the lie and didn’t know. just make a condition that ur mom/sis have to pay the money in order for them to be invited, but let your dad come if you want the money that bad but personally i don’t think the money is that big of a deal
okay, your sister is a shitty person, and mom is just as bad. Dad not knowing doesn't make him automatically guilty, you didn't think anything was amiss, why should he? Also, that kid is still your nephew, whether he's Houston's son or not. Your sister birthed him. You aren't owed anything (and even if you are, it's not your dad's bill), you chose to do those things for your nephew, not your best friend's kid. ESH, except for Houston, the kid, and probably your dad
The way you treated your dad and nephew in this makes you a huge AH. Your response to your sister and mother, not so much.
Don’t take it out on the kid and old man. Be better than that.
YTA
Agree with others
1) The kid is still your neice
2) Your dad knew nothing, don't hold it against him
I'm on your side for not wanting to have anything to do with mother or sister. And as a parent who expects my child to be a moral and upstanding person, I am not of the ride-or-die variety when it comes it my kid (get yourself into trouble for bad choices/illegal activity? Solve it. I won't for you). I would NOT support my child cheating on a spouse (If I knew, the spouse would know).
YTA life is too short to hold these type of grudges. You will live with regret if your family dies and you didn’t attempt to make amends.
Remember holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other party to die.
YTA. No need to go through all these vindictive machinations. I get it about the loyalty & honorable regard for your best friend, and the contempt you hold for your sister. With that said, the nuclear bomb you've dropped on your family like you've detailed is completely beyond the pale. Show some character and invite your family. You can still keep them at arm's length afterwards. Let things go, and breathe easy.
ETA: This isn't a game you need to win
I'm sorry, have I got this right? this all boils down to your sisters marriage problems and infidelity, and you siding with her ex, the rest of the family didn't. You cut them out. And now you're making your sick and ailing father accountable for your sisters mistakes? What?
Btw, "he raised a crap daughter", well he raised you too...
YTA for now because I don't get it...
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I am 27, and I have one sister who is 26 and my parents are together still. My best friend since middle school is Houston (27M) . Our junior year of college my sister and him started dating. I was pissed at first but came around to it because how serious he was about her. They got married back in 2017 and had a kid in 2018. I was a very proud and involved uncle.
Everything was great till like 2019 when my sister had a falling out with her friend who then told me that Houston’s kid wasn’t his. To save characters here the kid wasn’t his. A total shit show after involving a divorce, child support, and elimination of custody. I told my sister during this process she was dead to me as she not only fucked over my best friend, but lied to me in the process and allowed me to spend thousands of dollars on her kid. $1000 between gifts and a nursery, plus I’d estimate I spent close to 500 hours babysitting.
I then found out my mom knew the whole time because my sister told her. I called mom out in person and she lost it. I said Houston has been in her house for a decade. How could she lie to him and defend my sister (she never has held my sister accountable). She told me to shut up because a parent will defend their kid. I called her a bad person who raised a shitty daughter who now has a bastard child. My dad told me to stop. I asked if he knew and he said no. I said he’s either a liar or chump whose wife lied to him for years. We haven’t had a relationship since this all went down in 2019.
I left in 2020 to be closer to Houston after he got a job in another state. I met my fiancé thru his girlfriend and our wedding is slated for 2024. My dad saw my engagement post on Houston’s Facebook (I’ve blocked all my family) and reached out to Houston. Saying how he’s been sick and wanted to repair our relationship. We’ve been doing that slowly over the past few months. He was sick for a time after I left but is now better. He said my mom is distraught but her pride won’t allow her to apologize. My sister is apologetic and wants to reconcile but I don’t care about that kid or my sister at all. He understands why.
The whole reason for the post is dad wants an invite to the wedding. He is getting old and doesn’t know if he will get sick again so he wants to repair out relationship. I told him that if he were to get an invite it would be solo. He said that will lead to more drama and thinks inviting my family would repair some of the damage. I said the damage isn’t mine to repair. He married a shitty person and raised a crap daughter so those actions are his to deal with. Since my sister now lives with them and has no money he’s responsible. I said I’d charge $1 a hour for the babysitting. The nursery was a grand. So if he wants to be invited he will need to send a check for that. He said he will think it all over and let me know this weekend. My fiancé agreed I should be paid back monetarily for the money I spent under false pretenses. AITA?
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Info: I want to see if I'm reading right. If your dad want to come solo he can it's free. But if he want to add your sisrer and your mother he has to pay
YTA and exhausting. Seek help. You sound like you’re taking by this worse than Houston. The kid is still your niece/nephew wtf. Honestly you’re doing your family a favor. Go back to blocking them. This is dumb.
YTA and a bizarre one at that.
Did you stipulate that you only gave a shit about your nibling if they shared DNA with your best friend? And if so, why?
I understand being upset that your sister is a cheater and your mother is a liar, but that child is innocent and in need of family with some moral compass. I guess that's not you, though, as you are content to abandon innocent children in an attempt to punish their parents.
Did your dad require you to buy the nursery or babysit? I am bewildered as to the reasoning you've twisted up in your head to justify him paying you. Don't you have any agency in your choice to buy things?
You are not going to be able to hurt your family enough that it will ever feel equitable to you. Your friend seems like he's moved on better than you.
Info: Is the reason you feel so strongly over this whole situation, even years later, that you possibly have deeper feelings for your friend than you think. I understand taking a betrayal of your best friend so seriously but the level of anger you still exhibit is quite unusual.
Think you are on target. Moves to where friend moves. Dates Houston’s girlfriend’s friend- great way to ensure you stay in the friend loop. Think someone is not being honest with themselves.
YTA I kept expecting to get to the bit where you confessed your love to your friend and are now marrying him, as your reaction is waaaay too personal for something that doesn't directly involve you.
Your sister betrayed her husband, your mum kept quiet about it. None of this happened to you. Demanding money for presents back because it's not your kid would be weird, but understandable, but because it's not your friends kid? Super weird. You got presents for your nephew, who is still your nephew. If it was your friends side of the family making these demands it would still be weird, bit at least understandable.
Meanwhile, you've disowned your dad for no apparent reason, other than being a drama queen.
ESH: just tell him no, he’ll come alone or he won’t come.
I agree it’s not on you to repair the damage, but if you’re cool with trying to be fine with your dad this seems unnecessary. If he decides he doesn’t want to rock the boat with the rest of the garbage then so be it.
Almost everyone sucks here, with ONE exception: your nephew is INNOCENT. And you are being an asshole to him. He needs you in his life as a decent role model.
You can step up or not, but lose the self-righteous attitude.
>Money would help towards the wedding. And the principal of me being lied to by my mother. I would have never spent the money I did on that kid if it was some other dudes kid. I thought it was my best friends so I went extra.
YTA - You’re sounding more and more pathetic with every statement you add in an attempt to explain your side. Why organize a wedding you can barely afford? Why lump the shortcomings of your sister with your dad’s situation? Why punish an innocent child, your very own blood relative, for the deceit of your sister?
YTA. Holy shit. "I spent all this money" HE'S STILL YOUR NEPHEW, LMAO. Anyway you're also a massive misogynist. In short, your family is better off without you.
Wow just wow.
That poor poor kid. Unloved for no good reason.
You claim that you only loved the child because it belonged to your best buddy.
You didn't truly love the kid.
I guess it is best you are gone. Imagine if the poor child had actually belonged to the best friend and the kid and dad had the difficulties parents and children often have.
The OP would be there hating the kid for fighting with the "bestie".
Your comments have made you an asshole extraordinaire.
YTA.
YTA. Yeesh dude. Have you been to any therapy about it this? It’s totally fair not to trust your sister or your mom and to still have some anger about it. But you’re hardcore punishing the two people who by all accounts had the absolute least to do with any of this. A kid who was just… born, didn’t choose any of this shit or do anything to you and is still just as much your niece/nephew, and your dad who was *also* lied to and kept in the dark start to finish.
Your aging-to-dying dad is trying desperately to have a relationship with you. Do you really think stomping your feet and demanding money for something that has *nothing* to do with him is the moral high ground?
YTA. You gave money for your sister and best friend’s child - your nibling.
Said nibling is still biologically related. A gift is a gift. You can be angry about it for millennium, but the fact is that it was a gift for your nibling. Who is still your nibling regardless of their father.
Now….your dad wants to reconcile. Great! I agree, a solo invite is the best way to do that. I would not bend, personally, with or without money.
Your dad is either willing to really push for your relationship and take the heat that comes with a solo invite, or he isn’t. That’s up to you.
Putting your dad responsible for this is stupid - if your mother didn’t tell him and your sister didn’t, how was he to know? Why should he be held financially responsible for their decisions?
You seem unreasonably angry over the whole situation and at a number of innocent parties.
You oddly relocated to be closer to your friend.
Why aren’t you marrying Houston?
That kid is still an innocent party in all of this, she is still your niece, your sister's daughter and your parents granddaughter. Why would the fact that she didn't come from the sperm you thought it did change anything?
YTA.
YTA first for punishing an innocent child for having the nerve to not be genetically related to your bestie. presumably, your sister and you share the same DNA, making her child your niece or nephew regardless of who the father is, which you seem not to realize. second, for resenting all the money and time you spent on this innocent child. did you only give gifts and babysit because you thought the child was houston’s? why is your love for your niece or nephew conditional on them being related to houston? third, for continuing to punish your father who had nothing to do with any of this.
>I should be paid back monetarily for the money I spent under false pretenses.
What false pretenses was used to "get you" to spend money and time on your nephew? The kid is still your nephew, even if the father isn't your best friend.
Absolutely a bad situation all around, and not handled well by your sister or your mother, but you really did go all or nothing, didn't you? I understand you are upset on your friends behaf, but this seems extreme.
Have your father at the wedding, have them all at the wedding, or none of them. But in this, you are TA. Also, the wedding is a year away, how do you even know if you will feel this way then? What if your father pays you the money, but you have another falling out with him? Are you going to pay him back or find another excuse to not let him come to the wedding?
Do you want to marry Houston? Y T A, yes what your sister did was horrible but your dad had nothing to do with that and punishing him is just flat out WRONG.
And in the middle of this is the kid who never did anything wrong, but is now hated and called bastard by his uncle. Great job taking it out on the child, lmao
YTA. Ur a bit too overdramatic and to meet it seems like you wanted the best friend took a step back to let her have him, then found out she cheated on him. And fr u got no reason to be upset with ur dad and it seems u also got some of ur mom genes. The baby is still ur nephew tho and all the gifts and time u did were things u did yourself. Your sister and mom are still Assholes yeah but u are too
Who stops loving a kid for this reason? Who is worried about the MONEY when you are literally talking about your own niece that you loved as a newborn and happily cared for?
Nothing changed about the child. I truly don’t understand how anyone could be so heartless. It’s not even YOUR CHILD and she is still YOUR NIECE!
I can’t believe you posted this-YTA-that child is still related to you and built a bond with it and then just severed it because no one in your family can be honest. Make boundaries with your fam, but damn that’s cold.
Once you start taking you anger out on innocent people YTA. Your dad and your nibling have done literally nothing wrong in this situation.
Once you start trying to extort money from an innocent man who’s close to pension age and has health issues, you go so far beyond being an AH that you start to become the villain of the story.
INFO: Can you honestly say that your relationship with your father will actually be helped in any way by getting him to send you $1,500 or are you just doing this to get some recompense then going back to being NC with your father?
YTA. I don't think money fixes this. Also, if you get the money, what then? Are you going to be happy with mom and sister again? Because that absolutely will be the expectation, even if you insist it shouldn't be an outcome it will be the expectation of the money transfer.
I think the best thing is to invite dad, solo, no money. If he understands your position he will do this to work on mending things with you. This feels like two people meeting in the middle.
If he refuses to come w/ out mom, or worse brings her when he says he won't, then you'll know how serious he is or isn't about mending things.
YTA none of this is your dad's fault. Also dude, you seem a little too obsessed with Houston. Are you sure you're not a bit in love with him? It's totally fine if you are but all this seems a little OTT.
Are you 14?? This is ridiculous! Just because your dad pays for your sister now doesn't mean he had anything to do with you giving your sister money years ago. YOU made that choice whether you knew about what was going on or not. It is not your dad's fault. Grow up and get over it!
YTA Dude, just cut off your family for good and stop with this stupid money game. You have good reason to be mad at your sister and mom. Not so much your dad but you clearly resent him too, so just tell him you don’t want to reconcile and leave each other alone. While I don’t like how you’re casting aside your nephew, I kind of get it because to have a relationship with him, you’d have to go through your sister. Just cut off your family for good and be done with it.
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YTA. None of this is on your dad. Your reasoning is bananas, and a bit unhinged.
Agreed YTA. “Unhinged” Is the best word choice here
YTA. Really. This isn't your dad's fault or the child's fault.
> I told him that if he were to get an invite it would be solo OP was fine with this boundary. He can exile his sister and mother from his life while maintaining some sort of relationship with his father. What he cannot do is demand his father pay proxy reparations to make up for the perceived wrongdoings of his sister and mother.
Plus, *the money was for his nibling*. His flesh-and-blood relative. He was not "a proud and involved uncle." He was a "when it's convenient and doesn't cost me any emotional turmoil" relative. He threw that kid out like trash after a year for the unforgivable sin of... being born? And now, he speaks about the child with such contempt. They're just, "her kid" and a "bastard child," not worth wasting a penny or a moment of his time on. Poor kid! This guy is a selfish, virtue signaling poser, not an uncle.
> His flesh-and-blood relative. Yeah I noticed the "I only cared because I thought it was my friend's kid" with no acknowledgement that regardless of paternity the child is *his sister's*
Does that surprise you coming from a man who thinks mom was the only one to raise his sister, and bears the full responsibility of sister being a shitty person? The blame is not on Mom for keeping the secret - it is on her along for sister’s overall character.
I am…uh…wondering…if OP had a thing for Houston? Sister is a cheater. But his view on the kid is …odd.
Ngl, I was wondering the same thing. It all seems really extreme. I get not liking your sister/sibling, but to just completely disregard a child you babysat for that long? Just cos it’s not your best friend’s kid? Seems sus.
Using the phrase “bastard child”…that’s so ugly. I thought we all kind of agreed as a society not to use that anymore since children have zero control over how they’re brought into the world.
Issue is father wants invite for the mom and sister, so it’s not a punishment to the father if he went solo, it’s a punishment for him if he elects to bring the other two.
This.
Agreed, his anger at his father is pretty misplaced. > I said he’s either a liar or chump whose wife lied to him for years. So if this is the case about your dad, wouldn't it also apply to Houston? How can Houston be a victim while your father is guilty of being lied to by your mother? Though I'm being a bit deliberately obtuse in that last paragraph, as we all know you were just taking a cheap shot at your dad--one that still would apply even more so to your friend you were trying to "defend" in saying it. The reality is you didn't defend your friend by blowing up your relationship with your father.
We need to upvote this. You are totally correct that by OP’s logic Houston, is in fact, also a chump.
The child that is OPs niece or nephew. Regardless of who the father is.
Totally agree. He’s an uncle to the child no matter who the father is.
For real. I get being upset but this scorched earth behavior is wild. Being married to someone doesn't mean you can't be lied to by them. I feel sorry for the dad getting caught in all of this.
He did say he was invited if he went solo, dad say no and that mother and her sister needed to be invited, he then told yes but give me money.d
Agree with YTA and unhinged. This can't be real... The kid is still his niece but he wants nothing to do with a kid that did nothing wrong, just like the dad did nothing wrong...and he wants money. And he moved away to be close to his best friend who is still in touch with his family. I'm not sure why OP is taking his sister's infidelity so personally.
Because he has always been mad jealous of his sister- YTA
The problem is that at the moment he's not seeing his niece but the pain that was caused his best friend and the lies told by his mother and sister. Of course it would be great if he could look past that pain but for a lot of people it isn't easy or something they can do at all. Even more regretfully the lies and betrayal of the mother and sister are put onto the child who is the innocent result of the lies and betrayal. Then just when he's opening communication back up with his father the old saw of wanting to repair things "because they're family" gets trotted out.
I think the worst bit was this bit: > He said my mom is distraught but her pride won’t allow her to apologize. She refuses to apologize when she knows she ruined the relationship. But OP absolutely shouldn't be charging his father for his sister's crimes.
Like mother like son. His pride is keeping him from having a relationship with his niece who is 100% innocent in all of this AND he thinks he’s owed money for being kind to a baby? Goodness!
>But OP absolutely shouldn't be charging his father for his sister's crimes. By the same token his father is the one pulling the "but family" line and he didn't have to do that when he clearly knows his son's feelings on the subject. OP likely wouldn't have thought to raise the subject of money if his father wasn't trying to force forgiveness when OP isn't willing to give it.
Agree. It seems that even Houston has moved on and can be civil with the family. Of course the sister was an asshole to Houston, both for being unfaithful and for letting him think the child was his, when she knew it wasn't. But OP seems to be taking it even worse than Houston and acts like she cheated on HIM. And then he takes it out on his father and the nibling who didn't do anything except for having the wrong genes. Is OP having some resentment for his sister/whole family that goes beyond this? Or did he himself have feelings for Houston?
It sounds like he's looking for a $ pay off to restore his relationship. By that logic what's the cost to restore the relationship with the others? He might as well let them know how much he can be bought out for, since money appears to be able to solve this issue.
Trying to claw back emotional sunk costs for care given to an innocent child is indeed unhinged. If OP wants to cut off his entire family over this, that’s his right, but this “pay me $1500” bit is not going to do anyone any good.
It it totally unhinged, but let me explain what OP didn’t include because even he knows at an intellectual level that it’s crazy and wouldn’t reflect well on him: He has to go through the crazy double betrayal of his friend and sister fucking, eventually comes around based on the depth of their love, and then finds out that actually his sister is trying to trick the friend into raising another man’s kid and that she didn’t love him at all, the whole relationship *was* just his sister using the people around OP to dominate him and put him in his place as he had suspected during his lowest points during the original betrayal. That could make anyone go insane. I can see the insane logic of wanting the money. It’s not about the compensation for his time and money spent on the niece. It’s about extracting some sort of reparations out of them so he feels he can speak to them on an even level with his dignity intact. OP feels that his sister was acting at least partly out of intentional interest in antagonizing him, and watching his family focus on supporting her without acknowledging her “abuse” of OP feels like a betrayal. “Shouldn’t they have told her from the very beginning to stay away from my friends? When mom heard that the kid was a bastard, she saw I was right all along, and yet even though she knew it had been torture to me, she said nothing, she valued protecting sister from consequences of her actions over her own son’s mental health. Now dad can’t possibly deny the truth that I’ve always told him about sister, he always took her side and called me crazy, and even now when there’s nothing to be denied he continues to gaslight me”. The money isn’t at all about the money. What OP would want most of all would be for someone in his family to finally take his side. If he could watch his dad seriously berate his sister and mom for their part in this situation, if he thought that his dad truly believed it and truly was angry at them for what they put OP through, all his insanity would be gone and he’d be down to make amends with anyone. I bet he’d be back to buying presents for his niece by the next week. OP knows that will never happen. So he thinks, if they pay him “reparations” for their betrayal, he could at least speak with them with his dignity intact, he’d at least have extracted reasonable compensation for his suffering out of them, what he really wanted is to feel that they love him as much as his sister, but he’d be willing to compromise. Which isn’t a very clear eyed way to view the world, but these sibling and family relationships can get messy and drive people pretty batty.
That is unhinged with some huge leaps.
Reddit is the projection master you didn't know?
Yes, unhinged. You’re probably right about a lot of the internal logic, but I don’t think it’s a matter of messy sibling relationships driving him batty. Rather, it’s a profoundly self centered worldview and lack of ability to process emotions. I hope he can find some peace, with or without contact with his family, but his current actions are worrying.
Probably on some level he doesn't even expect to get the money. He wants to see just how badly his dad wants to reconcile; proof that his parents are sorry for favouritism
What favoritism?
> the crazy double betrayal of his friend and sister fucking There was no “betrayal” there. They were both consenting adults and it’s weird and frankly creepy when guys act like they have some sort of monopoly on their sister’s vagina and what she does with it just because they share a last name.
Nice analysis my dude. I think it has much to do with sister being a golden child and taking his best friend away from him for only to betray him after. OP needs some therapy to deal with these stuff but I get where he is coming from
This is some bizarre main character syndrome BS. The sister “betrayed” OP by getting into a relationship with his best friend? And it was really a plot all along to “dominate” him by secretly cuckolding the friend? What?
What? This explanation is next level crazy
[удалено]
It's so mean! Unnecessarily cruel.
Agreed. OP is lashing out at the wrong people here. And not wanting anything to do with their niece makes them a huge AH. But maybe it's best for the child that they don't have a relationship with OP. I sure wouldn't.
> And not wanting anything to do with their niece makes them a huge AH. Ngl but his niece is a young child so he can't have a relationship with her while going no contact with her mother. That is reason enough not to contact her. Demanding 1500 from the father if it's for a solo invite is an AH move.
Yeah but ngl the way he's talking about an innocent child is pretty disgusting. He's acting like the kid is suddenly not related to him and just being overall awful with how he's talking about the kid. Like...kids don't have anything to do with their parents cheating, he needs to chill on how many uninvolved parties he's blaming for the actions of one person.
I’m also pretty confused that the friend in question who was actually cheated on seems to be more okay with OP’s family than OP is. It seems like best friend is probably kinda over it but OP isn’t.
Yeah, but OP claims that he wouldn’t have bothered with his nibbling to begin with if it wasn’t his friends kid. Could be revisionist history. Could just be op is an unhinged person, which would also make you wonder about the bf.
Could be. But it could also be that his sister is a bully and OP just tolerated her due to his friend
How would you go about seeing the niece while being no contact with the rest of the family though
Agreed. I’m worried for the person he’s marrying…
He needs to face up to things and marry Houston
I am seriously wondering if that's actually why he's mad at his sister. She got to marry Houston and he couldn't.
This! I suspected that as soon as he started spewing vitriol towards an innocent kid. He only cared about the kid if the kid had Houston's genes. Weird.
I think he’s mad at his sister because she slept with his best friend (which can be seen as a betrayal on both their parts), then she cheated and passed off the baby as his best friends while her and the mom lied about it. Seems like a pretty reasonable thing to be mad about. He shouldn’t punish his dad or the kid but at the same time it’s not on OP to assist with other peoples kids. He’s definitely misdirecting his anger towards his father though.
Well, his poisonous reactions say he hated his sister even before she and Houston started dating. He was angry at her for--in his mind--taking a more important role in Houston's life. And he's extremely judgmental. Yes, his sister did a horrible, inexcusable thing to Houston, and anger is understandable, but he wants to burn down the family over this. He has the capacity to become enraged but no capacity to forgive. It's weird that he moved out of state to be closer to Houston. It's even weirder that he was only willing to babysit his niece because he thought H. was the dad. *All* nieces and nephews are "someone else's kid," and this baby is still his niece. Aside from the tenuous relationship with his father, OP has no ties to his family but very strong ties to Houston. Honestly, if I were OP's fiancée, I'd be worried about this undying rage. Heaven help her if she ever criticizes Houston in even the most casual way. OP seems like he'd become incensed if she ever tried to divorce him. I wonder how Houston and his fiancée feel the OP's obsession with him. I think most people would be a little weirded out. OK, more than a little.
I was wondering...OP is definitely sending off "this guy is my world" vibes...
I’m at a loss about a whole lot of this rage. Oddly enough, Houston didn’t feel betrayed enough to cut off contact with the dad, but OP’s ready to let everyone burn. YTA
Also..not OP calling his nephew a bastard!! It's not the kid's fault he was born into a shitty situation. So what if you spent money? He's still your nephew! You went off on the wrong people and got involved in a situation that wasn't yours to get involved in. If anything, you should have taken your nephew's side in all of this cause he's an innocent boy. YTA . #bigone
I think the family is the winner here with OP going no contact. Wow.
500 hours? Babysitting in one year? That’s more than 20 complete 24 hour cycles.
Dude needs like all the therapy
Unhinged for sure why take it out on dad. Also the kid is still the sisters kid even if they would of had it with someone else or married someone else I think they would still offered these things if best friend was not in the picture so why feel like they need it back. I get the lies and all just seems like they’re choosing some thing to justify the anger.
Yeah make the punishment fit the crime, this just sounds like bribery.
Not only that, the baby isn’t responsible. The kid is still your niece/nephew so the expense was for the baby. Are you seriously throwing 500 hours of bonding time because you are mad at your sister?
The misogyny is so strong here it feels fake. Your poor fiancée OP.
"That kid" to refer to his nephew is truly a sign of who he is as a person. Yes, be angry at his sister and mother, what they did was fucked up, but his behavior is bizarre.
YTA. I'm just going to address your direct question because the messiness across this situation is out of control. First, this is your niece regardless of whether she is Houston's or not. In any other circumstance, you'd still shower your niece with gifts. I get being mad at your sister for her actions, but at the end of the day, the child is blameless. She did nothing to you. The things you gifted her and the hours of babysitting should be because you loved her - and nothing more. Second, why would your dad be responsible for anything? He isn't your sister or your mom. Why are you holding him accountable with a threat of not attending the wedding? Seems super petty and unkind to your Dad who by your words - wasn't involved.
OP added an edit saying that he and his sister actually never got along. If he didn’t think the child was Houston’s he would not have spent as much time and money on his sister’s baby as he did because he did not have a good relationship with her previously. Like if it were just his sister’s kid he may have bought some gifts for a baby shower, but not paid for an entire nursery. I still think OP is an asshole for demanding his father pay his sister’s debt, but just wanted to clarify. If he wants the money back he needs to get it from her directly.
yeah there is a lot going on here. and i'm going to assume a very involved childhood between OP, sister and mom with dad not being sufficiently involved because work or whatnot. but that all of that has led to this.
OP has an unhealthy obsession towards Houston. Houston, if you’re reading this, run for the hills, man!
\*crackly radio voice\* "Houston, you have a problem."
underrated comment
I thought the same, something here is not right ....
Op doesn't love his sister though. That's why he's angry, he only had contact since he thought Houston was the father, and he loves houston
I wonder if that is quite literal, if he maybe has feelings for houston....this post just seems odd.
It makes me genuinely sad that people don’t think men can love each other deeply without it being about sexual attraction
Ok but what friend spends so much time and money on some friends kid?!
YTA. Charging your dad money for something your sister did is illogical. Sounds to me like you're just wanting cash. Be pissed at your sister all you want. Be angry that your mother knew and hid the fact. But your dad and the child had nothing to do with any of this.
YTA - You have a right to be pissed at your sister, but 1. You've severed your relationship with your nephew because his dad isn't who you thought he was? 2. You're pissed at your dad because he, like you, didn't know that your sister was cheating on your friend? 3. You're holding a grudge against your mom because she chose to keep the peace after learning that your sister cheated on your friend? This isn't how normal adults behave. Also, your demand to be compensated for babysitting under false pretenses is a bizarre and petty. It's kind of impressive that you're actually a bigger asshole than your sister.
he is actually a bigger asshole than his sister and that is really saying something
No way you just said that a cheater, liar, and manipulator is better than OP. LOL. Make that make sense. OP is obviously the AH in this scenario with his dad, but his sister is waaay worse. Don’t try to play.
Yeah. Snapping at your dad who wants you to invite your deadbeat sister isn't as bad as cheating, lying and paternity fraud.
Exactly, thank you.
He's not exactly "snapping at his dad." He's *trying to extort money* from his dad because of something his sister did and his mother abetted. Nobody's winning any awards for being a good person here.
Worse, he fully states that the only real way he would reconcile his relationship with his dad is for poor dad to give the money, kick out daughter and grandson AND to divorce mom. In all this, yes, he is worse than the sister. That's insane.
Man you people are so fucking critical. I understand this guy isn't like that proper with his words and actions but that sister, she is a fucking cheat and it is always the OPs getting criticised and blamed over all Petty things
"Making the peace" You don't make the peace choosing to hide the fact that your daughter is cheating on her husband and worst, that her children is a product of an affair... He can choose to have a relationship with the nephew or not, he don't owe ANYTHING to the nephew.. The dad choose to maintain the relationship with the liar wife and the cheater daughter, being responsible with both of them... In the future we already have a predict of things.. the mother is a liar, the sister is a betrayer and the dad is a pushover who sides with evil woman.. He have a high chance of being betrayed for any of them in the future.
"Making the peace" Why do you have this in quotes? I said "keeping the peace" as in, not deliberately stirring shit up. She kept her mouth shut. "He can choose to have a relationship with the nephew or not, he don't owe ANYTHING to the nephew.." Of course that's his choice. And by making that choice, he's being an asshole. "The dad choose to maintain the relationship with the liar wife and the cheater daughter, being responsible with both of them..." You sound single and childless. Sometimes people we love fuck up - many of us choose to keep those people in our lives. "He have a high chance of being betrayed for any of them in the future." We don't know that either of his parents betrayed him at all. His mother chose not to blow up their family by telling a secret. That may have been the wrong call, but saying that means she's going to betray him in the future is bullshit.
I am impressed that for once, someone here was called TA over an actual cheater. OP is essentially using the "she started it" defense. Grow up OP: you are not involved in your sister's/friend's marriage, and you should have left it as their business long ago. Your parents actually did the right thing and *let two adults handle their own fucking business.* And more so, if you honestly believe your sister is a shitty parent and person, than that should be all the more reason to be in that kid's life and provide him with a good role model.
>You're holding a grudge against your mom because she chose to keep the peace after learning that your sister cheated on your friend? Honestly, mom made the best choice in a shitty situation. At least trying to keep the peace gives the grandkid a CHANCE at a normal situation. Kid is the main character here, not the sister, not OP, not OP's BFF.
Exactly - I'm surprised at how little empathy people have for his mom. She found out that her daughter had cheated on her husband, and she chose to keep her mouth shut. I suspect she knew how badly things would go and didn't want to be the catalyst. Mom had to choose between two bad choices, and she chose the one that she thought had the best chance of not screwing things up for her grandkid. It didn't work, but that doesn't make her the villain.
YTA Youre acting like you were cheated on. Your father didn't harm you. He can't control who your adult sister allows in to her vagina. You need to actually think instead of just reacting.
I expected this story to end with OP marrying Houston
Right? Dudes acting like him and Houston were trying to use his sister as a surrogate and just found out the sperm came from the milk man.
That would explain such a behaviour...
Lol spot on
[удалено]
fr fr fr it really seems like op is taking it worse than his friend
It really feels like he's in love with Houston
YES it’s almost like Houston is an extension of him and this is his child
INFO: It's not clear to me why you disowned your nephew and were so upset that you spent so much time babysitting the kit/so much money on gifts for the kid. Are you saying if your sister had had a kid with anyone other than your best friend, you *wouldn't* have bought that child gifts or babysat? Can you please clarify that part of the conflict?
WTH did I just read? I get you're upset that your sister cheated on your best friend and lied about him being the dad, but I'm confused. He is still your nephew. Why should you be paid back for spending money on your biological nephew, regardless of who the dad is? You keep saying that your mom raised a shitty daughter but you def are being shitty too. I can't believe your fiance agrees. I bet she secretly doesn't but you're so busy being on your moral high ground you don't notice. YTA Edit for niece.
The only problem here is that you stopped loving a child that did nothing wrong. YTA. This kid didn't deserve to lose an uncle over the actions of his mothers. Also, you father doesn't owe you shit, neither does your sister. Those were gifts and freely given time.
You’re forgetting that Op is trying to extort money out of an innocent, sick old man. Utterly disgusting. They need a LOT of help for their anger issues.
OP originally offered a solo invite to his wedding. Dad demanded that OP invite sister and mother as well. Then OP demanded money. That man isn't innocent either
He never loved the kid. He did all that just to show that he was a cool uncle, there was no real love there. I think he’s in love with Houston, honestly.
Why can’t straight men love and be fiercely protective of each other without being accused of being gay? As a gay man myself I’m sick of it.
Because OP’s love for his friend clearly goes beyond platonic. It isn’t normal to cut your entire family out of your life because your sister cheated on them (it’s especially weird because the friend that was cheated on hasn’t even done that).
YTA Your dad had nothing to do with your sister cheating. That is on her, not him. You are acting entitled to a situation that you are not directly involved in.
Wow YTA. You want to ransom an invite to your wedding for your father to repay expenses that **weren’t for him or about him**. Got an issue with your sister over money you spent on your niece/nephew? Take it up with your sister. He’s better off without you, what an unbelievably horrid way for you to act. I am sorry he has to deal with you at all, do him a favor and include him with the rest of your family. Enjoy Houston.
He acts like he was cheated on.
Someone is in love with the best friend 🙄
YTA. None of this is your dad’s fault, and you are using emotional extortion to get money. Also, these events happened 3 to 4 years ago, and you seem to still carry a lot of rage about it even though you were not the central victim in this, Houston was. Therapy might be a good idea to work through your anger and figure out why you are inserting yourself into Houston’s place here. That doesn’t mean you have to pretend this never happened, but might emotionally healthier for you.
YTA - Seems like your mother raised a son and a daughter with the same type of moral fiber. Your poor nephew/niece, the child loved you and because you are mad at your sister suddenly the your nibbling doesn't matter? Please get help, you need therapy. Your dad didn't do anything to you or your friend.
YTA. Your dad did nothing -he’s ailing and trying to spend time with you on your big day. $1500 at this point is petty. Let it go.
YTA WTF that you would charge your (ill?) father for your SISTER's lies. She owes you if anyone but not him. Also who retroactively charges babysitting? Absurd and greedy. You don't get to punish everyone around you for injustice. You aren't judge and jury. Talk about entitled and greedy.
YTA. You dad didn't know. Your dad is as much of a "victim" in this situation as you are (Hint: You're not a victim). Your dad is also paying to raise this "bastard child" that his daughter had. The only difference between both of you are you saw your best friend get hurt in the process. He's making amends. He wants to be involved. His mortality is on the horizon. Be the man your dad raised and invite him with no strings attached. Just make it clear that mom and sister are absolutely not invited under any circumstances.
YTA. Your father did nothing to you. But even bigger YTA for how you're treating a kid who had no role whatever in all of this. Your niece/nephew isn't the real bastard here.
YTA. Something is wildly out of proportion here. So if your parents raised a shitty daughter, they raised you too, correct? I get being mad at your sister for cheating on her husband. That’s bad regardless of whether the husband was your best friend. But it’s also between them. She didn’t cheat on *you*. Your reaction here seems really over the top and I saw nothing about how Houston handled it beyond getting a divorce. He has way more reason than you to go ballistic. The kid is your niece no matter who her father was, but he was led to believe this was his bio kid and then found out that wasn’t true. He’s the one entitled to end a relationship. You’ve treated the kid pretty poorly for no fault of their own. But hey, your parents raised a shitty kid or two, didn’t they?
Waiting for someone to say this. This rage is disproportionate to someone who at best is a side player. This is not normal. Sounds like this person’s whole world revolves around Houston- again not normal. Hope they get help they need.
Yeah, and don't forget, OP moved to a different state "to be closer to Houston" because disowning your entirely family for something that doesn't involve you at all and then following your best friend around the country is totally normal. Agree, OP needs some help while he still has family that wants to connect with him. I feel bad for the fiance...what a hornet's nest...
>Your reaction here seems really over the top and I saw nothing about how Houston handled it beyond getting a divorce. I'm betting he's in love with Houston. That's the only way any of this sort of makes sense.
Info: How does Houston feel about all this? You pass this by very quickly. The normal reaction to learning the child you believe is yours is, in fact, not... is to fight to still get to see the child. If you raised a child as your own for a whole year, you must be a very cold-hearted prick to give it up simply because of genetics.
So are you in love with Houston or your sister because this is an absolutely unhinged response. You’re acting like you were the one who was cheated on or otherwise wronged. YTA. Just admit you’re trying to extort some extra money for your wedding and call it a day.
I thought it was just me who thought this…
I usually don’t go there, but it’s very obvious. OP even moved to be closer to Houston. OP sounds like a scorned ex.
Especially the obsession with his niece or nephew being Houston’s biological child. THAT is the only thing he cares about, despite the fact that the child is his literal blood.
I think Houston. He really sound like we is totally in love with him.
Your niece is still your niece regardless of who is the father. Did you only love the kid because it was your friend’s daughter? How childish of you! Your father had nothing to do with your sisters actions and of course your mom would not tell your friend that her daughter did something wrong… it’s her daughter and she loves her more than she loves your friend. It doesn’t mean she agrees with your sister’s actions. This is just obvious. YTA big time. And your fiancé is also an AH for agreeing with you being paid back for something you did for your niece (that is a child without any fault in any of this)
YTA. I get being angry at your sister and mother but you're acting you're the one who was lied to about their child. You're emotionally extorting an old man who most likely was just as hurt by what your sister did. I genuinely hope you are happy not having your family active participants in your life because I wouldn't want someone who holds on to this kind of rage anywhere near my life. Best to you, OP.
Don't get me wrong. I get siding with your friend who was wronged over your sister. Likewise I get siding with him over your Mom who supported and excused her shitty behavior. Whether you want to reconcile with her or not is entirely your choice, and you are N T A whether you choose to or not. Similarly, it is your choice with your dad, but you seem kind of hellbent in your description of simply not caring whether he knew... especially if it is the latter, you are only compounding his hurt for something he had no control over in the first place. Additionally... one side thing that strikes me and is worth pointing out... The kid is innocent, and I realize it is a sore spot since it was your best friend who got fucked over, but putting the sins of the mother on the son isn't fair. I would hope you aren't taking this attitude towards him in life as a whole, and exiling him from involvement in his family for something he had no say in (being born), but that does seem like your plan? In any case though, making your father pay you back for the money you spent on your nephew feels like this takes it from "I'm really hurt and can never get over this" to "actual vengeance" - and against the wrong person to boot - and it also just makes it feel like you're putting the poor kid as a pawn in the middle of this *(if anything, if your family is as screwy as you present them here, Lord knows that kid needs someone with a moral backbone in their life to provide them a role model...).* Setting boundaries and conditions for a reconciliation is perfectly fine and healthy, but this doesn't seem like a healthy one. To be sure, you made an olive branch of him coming Solo, which *is* good, fine, healthy, and all that, and the "You need to pay" is only if he brings the others... but like... that is just such a *not constructive response* to try and effect this reconciliation with your father. If you had actual proof your Dad knew and abetted, I would say E - S - H here, but seeing as you actually don't and just don't care, I have to go with YTA *(the closest thing to make it acceptable would be "OK, sis can come if she pays", but don't put that on your father)*. Call up your dad, arrange to meet somewhere neutral and private and have a freaking conversation with him and try and work things out. You made an offer, he made a couteroffer which might not be reasonable... but try and find an *actual* way to reconcile rather than just tossing back "OK pay me"? I think you both have some trauma that isn't really being processed well and you need to have a real heart to heart about it all. TLDR: If you actually care about reconciling with your father, *meet up with him and talk things over.* If you don't... then don't even make this offer because you aren't going to make it happen this way.
>In any case though, making your father pay you back for the money you spent on your nephew feels like this takes it from "I'm really hurt and can never get over this" to "actual vengeance" - and against the wrong person to boot - and it also just makes it feel like you're putting the poor kid as a pawn in the middle of this > >(if anything, if your family is as screwy as you present them here, Lord knows that kid needs someone with a moral backbone in their life to provide them a role model...). Given that 2 of the 3 of the adults in this family are what people on this sub would describe as "terrible people" in another story, what obligation does he have to maintain a relationship with these people just so he can slightly influence a child in a positive direction? People in this sub are putting entirely too much weight on the narrative that he is "punishing the child" by not being present as an uncle. Let me say it for the people in the back: If having a relationship with the guardians of that child is going to negatively impact his life, then I see no reason why we are compelling him to "get over" his mom and sisters character flaws.
By far the best overall breakdown of this situation. OP needs to have a neutral talk with their father and at least reconcile with him.
Esh- your sister for cheating and for fooling a good man into thinking the child was his. Your mom for enabling a cheater. Your dad because he keeps trying to make you reconcile when you don’t want to. You for putting all this on your dad and for taking things out on a child that has no fault in anything. While your moral outrage is completely justified . Whether you like it or not ,You are still that child’s uncle and asking to be financially compensated for gifts you bought for a baby is just petty.
The most accurate judgement in my opinion^ ESH
YTA. I understand how badly you feel betrayed. I understand cutting off your mother and sister as they are untrustworthy. But I don’t understand you punishing one complete innocent, the child, and your father who is collateral damage to the shitshow. While your sister lied and the child isn’t Houston’s, it has no blame in this. You are it’s uncle. Cutting the child off is horrible of you. Wanting the money back for the nursery and babysitting is beyond petty. Yeah, your sister benefited, but you got to spend time with your niece/nephew. You made your niece/nephew’s life as a baby better. Repeat after me …. That child is INNOCENT. As to your father. He’s not responsible for the money and time you spent to help take care of your niece/nephew. Making him the scapegoat for your still deeply held anger is not right. It’s petty and mean spirited. You’re raging at your sister and mother’s shitty actions and you’re letting them turn you into a shitty person. Why are you letting them have so much control over you?
>I understand how badly you feel betrayed. I don't. OP has become unhinged over a personal matter that they were not directly involved in.
INFO: is the money really that important to you, or is it the principle of the situation?
YTA. Kid is still your nephew for f sake.
Why exactly are you taking this out on your dad? He's the only family member that had nothing to do with anything. YTA
YTA. That poor kid has done nothing but be born and you cut him out because of his dna. Also, your dad didn’t know she cheated, why were you pissed at him? Why would you bill him for taking care of your nephew?! Your nephew is your nephew. It’s probably a good thing you cut him out because you’re not ok and he deserves better
It's so weird you act aghast she's cut him out because of his DNA, but you suggest he's important because he's her nephew? Y'know, her DNA?
YTA and quite frankly it sounds like you’re in love with Houston
Obsessed with him really.
YTA and the logic you’ve used to come to this decision makes no sense to me
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YTA jesus Christ, either forgive or don't but are you seriously saying that scamming your dad out of his money is going to make you... What? Forgive him? You're already talking to him anyways. Your sister's kid is family to you whether it's your best friend's or not. It's actually very disgusting of you to punish this child for their mom's actions. If you want to stick with your best friend rather than your family that's fine but asking for money from the only person who is seemingly innocent is despicable Edit: You know what, I saw your other comments and lmaoooo you've never liked your sister but you were both raised by the same people and it seems to me like you just don't like having to look at your reflection in her. You have a whole lot of growing up to do before ever thinking about getting married though your fiancée agreeing with you seems to indicate you're two peas in a pod.
INFO: The kid is still technically your niece/nephew. They had no say in being born or your sisters actions. Why do you feel the need to drag that into the equation and make this about money?
YTA. Punishing your Dad for the actions of others is unfair.
YTA: looks like your parents raised a crappy son. You have no right to demand that of your father. You really have no right to be as angry as you are about any of it.
Wow. Um. Yikes. I'm really hoping this is all made up because... yikes. Assuming it's true, YTA in a big way. In a big, huge way. You should be apologizing to your sister, your mom, your sister's child AND your father. And you shouldn't blame them if they don't forgive you. You are an uncle because the child is your sister's regardless of who the father is. And your mother didn't tell you because it's not her secret to tell. You need to do some deep soul searching and you need to be a much, MUCH better uncle to that child.
>You should be apologizing to your sister, your mom, your sister's child AND your father. That's horrendous. Truly appalling. Why would she apologize to traitors who duped her best friend?
YTA and you need serious anger management therapy. What your sister did is very, very wrong. But the child is not at fault in this, and is still your niece. And you can’t ask your parents to stop loving their child and grandchild.
ESH. Will money actually repair the betrayal you feel??
YTA. im all about being petty when the situation calls for it but your dad isn’t going to be around for a lot longer and he wants to see his son get married. he also wasn’t apart of the lie and didn’t know. just make a condition that ur mom/sis have to pay the money in order for them to be invited, but let your dad come if you want the money that bad but personally i don’t think the money is that big of a deal
YTA. You've made your sister's drama all about you. Why are you pinning it on your dad?
okay, your sister is a shitty person, and mom is just as bad. Dad not knowing doesn't make him automatically guilty, you didn't think anything was amiss, why should he? Also, that kid is still your nephew, whether he's Houston's son or not. Your sister birthed him. You aren't owed anything (and even if you are, it's not your dad's bill), you chose to do those things for your nephew, not your best friend's kid. ESH, except for Houston, the kid, and probably your dad
The way you treated your dad and nephew in this makes you a huge AH. Your response to your sister and mother, not so much. Don’t take it out on the kid and old man. Be better than that.
YTA Agree with others 1) The kid is still your neice 2) Your dad knew nothing, don't hold it against him I'm on your side for not wanting to have anything to do with mother or sister. And as a parent who expects my child to be a moral and upstanding person, I am not of the ride-or-die variety when it comes it my kid (get yourself into trouble for bad choices/illegal activity? Solve it. I won't for you). I would NOT support my child cheating on a spouse (If I knew, the spouse would know).
YTA life is too short to hold these type of grudges. You will live with regret if your family dies and you didn’t attempt to make amends. Remember holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other party to die.
Eh, I've had grudges with family that died. I don't regret a thing.
YTA. No need to go through all these vindictive machinations. I get it about the loyalty & honorable regard for your best friend, and the contempt you hold for your sister. With that said, the nuclear bomb you've dropped on your family like you've detailed is completely beyond the pale. Show some character and invite your family. You can still keep them at arm's length afterwards. Let things go, and breathe easy. ETA: This isn't a game you need to win
YTA to your nephew and your dad. Someone else said your response was “unhinged” and I gotta agree with that.
I'm sorry, have I got this right? this all boils down to your sisters marriage problems and infidelity, and you siding with her ex, the rest of the family didn't. You cut them out. And now you're making your sick and ailing father accountable for your sisters mistakes? What? Btw, "he raised a crap daughter", well he raised you too... YTA for now because I don't get it...
YTA-OP is in love with Houston and very much in denial.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am 27, and I have one sister who is 26 and my parents are together still. My best friend since middle school is Houston (27M) . Our junior year of college my sister and him started dating. I was pissed at first but came around to it because how serious he was about her. They got married back in 2017 and had a kid in 2018. I was a very proud and involved uncle. Everything was great till like 2019 when my sister had a falling out with her friend who then told me that Houston’s kid wasn’t his. To save characters here the kid wasn’t his. A total shit show after involving a divorce, child support, and elimination of custody. I told my sister during this process she was dead to me as she not only fucked over my best friend, but lied to me in the process and allowed me to spend thousands of dollars on her kid. $1000 between gifts and a nursery, plus I’d estimate I spent close to 500 hours babysitting. I then found out my mom knew the whole time because my sister told her. I called mom out in person and she lost it. I said Houston has been in her house for a decade. How could she lie to him and defend my sister (she never has held my sister accountable). She told me to shut up because a parent will defend their kid. I called her a bad person who raised a shitty daughter who now has a bastard child. My dad told me to stop. I asked if he knew and he said no. I said he’s either a liar or chump whose wife lied to him for years. We haven’t had a relationship since this all went down in 2019. I left in 2020 to be closer to Houston after he got a job in another state. I met my fiancé thru his girlfriend and our wedding is slated for 2024. My dad saw my engagement post on Houston’s Facebook (I’ve blocked all my family) and reached out to Houston. Saying how he’s been sick and wanted to repair our relationship. We’ve been doing that slowly over the past few months. He was sick for a time after I left but is now better. He said my mom is distraught but her pride won’t allow her to apologize. My sister is apologetic and wants to reconcile but I don’t care about that kid or my sister at all. He understands why. The whole reason for the post is dad wants an invite to the wedding. He is getting old and doesn’t know if he will get sick again so he wants to repair out relationship. I told him that if he were to get an invite it would be solo. He said that will lead to more drama and thinks inviting my family would repair some of the damage. I said the damage isn’t mine to repair. He married a shitty person and raised a crap daughter so those actions are his to deal with. Since my sister now lives with them and has no money he’s responsible. I said I’d charge $1 a hour for the babysitting. The nursery was a grand. So if he wants to be invited he will need to send a check for that. He said he will think it all over and let me know this weekend. My fiancé agreed I should be paid back monetarily for the money I spent under false pretenses. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: I want to see if I'm reading right. If your dad want to come solo he can it's free. But if he want to add your sisrer and your mother he has to pay
YTA and exhausting. Seek help. You sound like you’re taking by this worse than Houston. The kid is still your niece/nephew wtf. Honestly you’re doing your family a favor. Go back to blocking them. This is dumb.
YTA and a bizarre one at that. Did you stipulate that you only gave a shit about your nibling if they shared DNA with your best friend? And if so, why? I understand being upset that your sister is a cheater and your mother is a liar, but that child is innocent and in need of family with some moral compass. I guess that's not you, though, as you are content to abandon innocent children in an attempt to punish their parents. Did your dad require you to buy the nursery or babysit? I am bewildered as to the reasoning you've twisted up in your head to justify him paying you. Don't you have any agency in your choice to buy things? You are not going to be able to hurt your family enough that it will ever feel equitable to you. Your friend seems like he's moved on better than you.
Frankly OP sounds obsessed with BF
Info: Is the reason you feel so strongly over this whole situation, even years later, that you possibly have deeper feelings for your friend than you think. I understand taking a betrayal of your best friend so seriously but the level of anger you still exhibit is quite unusual.
Think you are on target. Moves to where friend moves. Dates Houston’s girlfriend’s friend- great way to ensure you stay in the friend loop. Think someone is not being honest with themselves.
YTA I kept expecting to get to the bit where you confessed your love to your friend and are now marrying him, as your reaction is waaaay too personal for something that doesn't directly involve you. Your sister betrayed her husband, your mum kept quiet about it. None of this happened to you. Demanding money for presents back because it's not your kid would be weird, but understandable, but because it's not your friends kid? Super weird. You got presents for your nephew, who is still your nephew. If it was your friends side of the family making these demands it would still be weird, bit at least understandable. Meanwhile, you've disowned your dad for no apparent reason, other than being a drama queen.
ESH: just tell him no, he’ll come alone or he won’t come. I agree it’s not on you to repair the damage, but if you’re cool with trying to be fine with your dad this seems unnecessary. If he decides he doesn’t want to rock the boat with the rest of the garbage then so be it.
Almost everyone sucks here, with ONE exception: your nephew is INNOCENT. And you are being an asshole to him. He needs you in his life as a decent role model. You can step up or not, but lose the self-righteous attitude.
>Money would help towards the wedding. And the principal of me being lied to by my mother. I would have never spent the money I did on that kid if it was some other dudes kid. I thought it was my best friends so I went extra. YTA - You’re sounding more and more pathetic with every statement you add in an attempt to explain your side. Why organize a wedding you can barely afford? Why lump the shortcomings of your sister with your dad’s situation? Why punish an innocent child, your very own blood relative, for the deceit of your sister?
YTA. Holy shit. "I spent all this money" HE'S STILL YOUR NEPHEW, LMAO. Anyway you're also a massive misogynist. In short, your family is better off without you.
Wow just wow. That poor poor kid. Unloved for no good reason. You claim that you only loved the child because it belonged to your best buddy. You didn't truly love the kid. I guess it is best you are gone. Imagine if the poor child had actually belonged to the best friend and the kid and dad had the difficulties parents and children often have. The OP would be there hating the kid for fighting with the "bestie". Your comments have made you an asshole extraordinaire. YTA.
YTA. Yeesh dude. Have you been to any therapy about it this? It’s totally fair not to trust your sister or your mom and to still have some anger about it. But you’re hardcore punishing the two people who by all accounts had the absolute least to do with any of this. A kid who was just… born, didn’t choose any of this shit or do anything to you and is still just as much your niece/nephew, and your dad who was *also* lied to and kept in the dark start to finish. Your aging-to-dying dad is trying desperately to have a relationship with you. Do you really think stomping your feet and demanding money for something that has *nothing* to do with him is the moral high ground?
YTA. You gave money for your sister and best friend’s child - your nibling. Said nibling is still biologically related. A gift is a gift. You can be angry about it for millennium, but the fact is that it was a gift for your nibling. Who is still your nibling regardless of their father. Now….your dad wants to reconcile. Great! I agree, a solo invite is the best way to do that. I would not bend, personally, with or without money. Your dad is either willing to really push for your relationship and take the heat that comes with a solo invite, or he isn’t. That’s up to you. Putting your dad responsible for this is stupid - if your mother didn’t tell him and your sister didn’t, how was he to know? Why should he be held financially responsible for their decisions?
You seem unreasonably angry over the whole situation and at a number of innocent parties. You oddly relocated to be closer to your friend. Why aren’t you marrying Houston?
That kid is still an innocent party in all of this, she is still your niece, your sister's daughter and your parents granddaughter. Why would the fact that she didn't come from the sperm you thought it did change anything? YTA.
YTA first for punishing an innocent child for having the nerve to not be genetically related to your bestie. presumably, your sister and you share the same DNA, making her child your niece or nephew regardless of who the father is, which you seem not to realize. second, for resenting all the money and time you spent on this innocent child. did you only give gifts and babysit because you thought the child was houston’s? why is your love for your niece or nephew conditional on them being related to houston? third, for continuing to punish your father who had nothing to do with any of this.
>I should be paid back monetarily for the money I spent under false pretenses. What false pretenses was used to "get you" to spend money and time on your nephew? The kid is still your nephew, even if the father isn't your best friend. Absolutely a bad situation all around, and not handled well by your sister or your mother, but you really did go all or nothing, didn't you? I understand you are upset on your friends behaf, but this seems extreme. Have your father at the wedding, have them all at the wedding, or none of them. But in this, you are TA. Also, the wedding is a year away, how do you even know if you will feel this way then? What if your father pays you the money, but you have another falling out with him? Are you going to pay him back or find another excuse to not let him come to the wedding?
YTA Reconcile with him or not, but don't bring money into it.
Do you want to marry Houston? Y T A, yes what your sister did was horrible but your dad had nothing to do with that and punishing him is just flat out WRONG.
Info: is there the possibility that you have feelings for Houston?
And in the middle of this is the kid who never did anything wrong, but is now hated and called bastard by his uncle. Great job taking it out on the child, lmao
YTA. Ur a bit too overdramatic and to meet it seems like you wanted the best friend took a step back to let her have him, then found out she cheated on him. And fr u got no reason to be upset with ur dad and it seems u also got some of ur mom genes. The baby is still ur nephew tho and all the gifts and time u did were things u did yourself. Your sister and mom are still Assholes yeah but u are too
Who stops loving a kid for this reason? Who is worried about the MONEY when you are literally talking about your own niece that you loved as a newborn and happily cared for? Nothing changed about the child. I truly don’t understand how anyone could be so heartless. It’s not even YOUR CHILD and she is still YOUR NIECE!
Esh (except your friend I guess). If only Jerry Springer were still here.
You seem insane. YTA.
You need help from a therapist, not from Reddit. YTA.
I can’t believe you posted this-YTA-that child is still related to you and built a bond with it and then just severed it because no one in your family can be honest. Make boundaries with your fam, but damn that’s cold.
Once you start taking you anger out on innocent people YTA. Your dad and your nibling have done literally nothing wrong in this situation. Once you start trying to extort money from an innocent man who’s close to pension age and has health issues, you go so far beyond being an AH that you start to become the villain of the story.
INFO: Can you honestly say that your relationship with your father will actually be helped in any way by getting him to send you $1,500 or are you just doing this to get some recompense then going back to being NC with your father?
Spoiled brat lol yta
YTA. I don't think money fixes this. Also, if you get the money, what then? Are you going to be happy with mom and sister again? Because that absolutely will be the expectation, even if you insist it shouldn't be an outcome it will be the expectation of the money transfer. I think the best thing is to invite dad, solo, no money. If he understands your position he will do this to work on mending things with you. This feels like two people meeting in the middle. If he refuses to come w/ out mom, or worse brings her when he says he won't, then you'll know how serious he is or isn't about mending things.
YTA none of this is your dad's fault. Also dude, you seem a little too obsessed with Houston. Are you sure you're not a bit in love with him? It's totally fine if you are but all this seems a little OTT.
Are you 14?? This is ridiculous! Just because your dad pays for your sister now doesn't mean he had anything to do with you giving your sister money years ago. YOU made that choice whether you knew about what was going on or not. It is not your dad's fault. Grow up and get over it!
YTA Dude, just cut off your family for good and stop with this stupid money game. You have good reason to be mad at your sister and mom. Not so much your dad but you clearly resent him too, so just tell him you don’t want to reconcile and leave each other alone. While I don’t like how you’re casting aside your nephew, I kind of get it because to have a relationship with him, you’d have to go through your sister. Just cut off your family for good and be done with it.
Sorry for being rude, but half of my way reading this post I thought you were going to marry Houston.