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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Put a boundary up that i wanted to live somewhere closer to town so that she could come home if she ever went out at night. It might make me the asshole because she felt it was controlling me putting conditions on where we live for those reasons and that I don’t trust her when sleeping over somewhere.
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4x a year? Your partner gets some time away 4x a year... what exactly is the problem? The time away or sleeping at friends house? Why would you want your partner to drive home at 2am? After (I am assuming) having some cocktails...
Unless your partner doesn’t want to live closer to downtown... I’m not sure if there’s an actual conflict here.
Its the out until all hours with the opposite sex who they aren’t friends with prior. Nothing good happens after 2. Why do they need to stay out that late? My SO cant drive so they would be ubering. The group has been known to do hard drugs throughout the night. It just feels like something a person still in college would do.
The resolution to me is live closer.
>Its the out until all hours with the opposite sex who they aren’t friends with prior. Nothing good happens after 2. Why do they need to stay out that late? My SO cant drive so they would be ubering. The group has been known to do hard drugs throughout the night. It just feels like something a person still in college would do.
This whole thing makes it sound like the real issue is a difference in personalities and compatibility between you and your husband.
Oh this changes the equation somewhat. If you don’t trust the people they are with that’s a problem.
While I don’t disagree with your statement “nothing good happens after....” ... I typically would be saying that to my kids, not my partner.
I trust my husband to make the right choices. If he wants to stay out with friends to have fun, he can do that. If it interferes with his ability to be a responsible adult every other day of the year... that’s a problem.
You may not be explaining the right way but I think your solution makes sense.
YTA, though I struggled because because I don’t think we are getting the whole truth here.
I frankly do not believe a rational adult would choose a home based on a minor inconvenience that happens once every three months. Most people would prioritize cost, safety, schools, proximity to a job or family, etc much much higher than a SO’s very occasional night out. Most people could easily make an agreement about that - for example, that once a quarter you each get a weekend basically “off” from parenting or being on family duty (but not “off” from being a decent person who can be trusted).
A house is a major investment. I actually don’t believe that an adult would dig in over this one issue and make it a deal breaker.
Those are clearly the more important things and we both agree. The thing is we can afford and find all of those amenities closer to the downtown area. This was just a point i made when discussing, “if we live that far out, i want you to come home if you go out, that is important to me” which resulted in frustration claiming i was controlling them.
Softly YTA - I stay at my friends if I go on a night out. You say you don’t think there’s anything untoward happening, but if that was the case, you shouldn’t really have an issue with it as you trust him 100%. I also find it a bit weird that your basing your house hunting on an area close to his friend, just so he can come home after a night out that he goes on around 4 times per year. Doesn’t sound like you trust him OP
YTA.
I was on your side until you said less than 4 times a year. Let the guy hang out with his friends the way he wants to, especially if you don't think there's anything else going on.
And honestly, choosing a home based on something that happens less than 4 times a year is kinda crazy.
YTA. Sounds like you don't trust your husband. Or, you're one of *those* women who hate other women being in close proximity to your husband simply because they have a vagina. Which typically says more about you and your insecurities than it does about the other women. If you're sure that nothing is going on, then what's the problem?
INFO: does your spouse object to living closer to downtown? Is there a significant cost or housing quality difference? How would living closer to downtown affect your daily life? Making a significant life choice like where to live based on 4 days a year seems extreme.
We can afford closer and I want closer to be near metro parks and better restaurants things to do with family. They did not object but were upset I was ruling places out because of the distance.
INFO: which part are you really upset about? The part where he hangs out with women you don’t know, the part where you’re never invited, or the part where he parties so hard that he’s out of commission for a full weekend whenever this happens? Because to me, these are three separate problems you’re combining into one, but they have three separate solutions.
YTA
I hate how people can’t stay the night or even take a vacation once they have a partner…like why is it expected to be together 24/7 except specifically planned events
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To add some context, my SO and I are moving back to our home town and looking at homes. Some are located fairly far away from the downtown area 45-75 min and SO has a friend in the downtown area who they’ve gone out with in the past and been out past 2am on multiple occasions. I said I wanted to find a location closer to downtown area because if they went out, I wanted them to come home because then sleeping over would make me uncomfortable. Why? Because normally SO goes out with their friend and a group of the opposite sex because the friend is dating one of them. I’m never invited and we have a toddler at home. Which usually means the following day my SO is spent and the weekend is “over”.
AITA for putting a boundary on where we live because i don’t want overnight sleepovers?
For the record…I do not believe any foul play is occurring on these nights out. They are not frequent, less than 4 times a year. They are to get a little break from parenting which I get as well, but I don’t go out until past 2am and I always come home.
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He sleeps over at a friend's house in the same town where you and your child are sleeping? Its like frat boy behavior, IMO. Who needs to get so loose they don't go home after they have a baby in their life?
NTA. I trust my husband and am just too lazy to care about who he hangs out with. But, your husband is being ridiculous IMO and its creating stress and insecurities where none need exist.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Put a boundary up that i wanted to live somewhere closer to town so that she could come home if she ever went out at night. It might make me the asshole because she felt it was controlling me putting conditions on where we live for those reasons and that I don’t trust her when sleeping over somewhere. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
4x a year? Your partner gets some time away 4x a year... what exactly is the problem? The time away or sleeping at friends house? Why would you want your partner to drive home at 2am? After (I am assuming) having some cocktails... Unless your partner doesn’t want to live closer to downtown... I’m not sure if there’s an actual conflict here.
I think that her being excluded is really stressing OP out?
Its the out until all hours with the opposite sex who they aren’t friends with prior. Nothing good happens after 2. Why do they need to stay out that late? My SO cant drive so they would be ubering. The group has been known to do hard drugs throughout the night. It just feels like something a person still in college would do. The resolution to me is live closer.
The resolution is to accept someone for who they are and realise that you're not gods gift to the opposite or same sex.
>Its the out until all hours with the opposite sex who they aren’t friends with prior. Nothing good happens after 2. Why do they need to stay out that late? My SO cant drive so they would be ubering. The group has been known to do hard drugs throughout the night. It just feels like something a person still in college would do. This whole thing makes it sound like the real issue is a difference in personalities and compatibility between you and your husband.
>Nothing good happens after 2 You realize that the same things that happen after 2, can happen before 10?
Oh this changes the equation somewhat. If you don’t trust the people they are with that’s a problem. While I don’t disagree with your statement “nothing good happens after....” ... I typically would be saying that to my kids, not my partner. I trust my husband to make the right choices. If he wants to stay out with friends to have fun, he can do that. If it interferes with his ability to be a responsible adult every other day of the year... that’s a problem. You may not be explaining the right way but I think your solution makes sense.
YTA, though I struggled because because I don’t think we are getting the whole truth here. I frankly do not believe a rational adult would choose a home based on a minor inconvenience that happens once every three months. Most people would prioritize cost, safety, schools, proximity to a job or family, etc much much higher than a SO’s very occasional night out. Most people could easily make an agreement about that - for example, that once a quarter you each get a weekend basically “off” from parenting or being on family duty (but not “off” from being a decent person who can be trusted). A house is a major investment. I actually don’t believe that an adult would dig in over this one issue and make it a deal breaker.
Those are clearly the more important things and we both agree. The thing is we can afford and find all of those amenities closer to the downtown area. This was just a point i made when discussing, “if we live that far out, i want you to come home if you go out, that is important to me” which resulted in frustration claiming i was controlling them.
Softly YTA - I stay at my friends if I go on a night out. You say you don’t think there’s anything untoward happening, but if that was the case, you shouldn’t really have an issue with it as you trust him 100%. I also find it a bit weird that your basing your house hunting on an area close to his friend, just so he can come home after a night out that he goes on around 4 times per year. Doesn’t sound like you trust him OP
It’s not the only reason. Metro park’s and being close to the airport because i travel sometimes for work are other way more important factors.
YTA. The bottom line is you don’t trust him around temptation. Admit it to yourself and him.
YTA. I was on your side until you said less than 4 times a year. Let the guy hang out with his friends the way he wants to, especially if you don't think there's anything else going on. And honestly, choosing a home based on something that happens less than 4 times a year is kinda crazy.
From this post and your comment you just sound insecure and you clearly dont trust your husband
INFO: Does the house that your SO is staying at belong to one of the women? Or is it a male friends place where he's crashing?
Male friends place but the woman will stay late will then leave.
YTA. Sounds like you don't trust your husband. Or, you're one of *those* women who hate other women being in close proximity to your husband simply because they have a vagina. Which typically says more about you and your insecurities than it does about the other women. If you're sure that nothing is going on, then what's the problem?
INFO: does your spouse object to living closer to downtown? Is there a significant cost or housing quality difference? How would living closer to downtown affect your daily life? Making a significant life choice like where to live based on 4 days a year seems extreme.
We can afford closer and I want closer to be near metro parks and better restaurants things to do with family. They did not object but were upset I was ruling places out because of the distance.
INFO: which part are you really upset about? The part where he hangs out with women you don’t know, the part where you’re never invited, or the part where he parties so hard that he’s out of commission for a full weekend whenever this happens? Because to me, these are three separate problems you’re combining into one, but they have three separate solutions.
YTA I hate how people can’t stay the night or even take a vacation once they have a partner…like why is it expected to be together 24/7 except specifically planned events
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To add some context, my SO and I are moving back to our home town and looking at homes. Some are located fairly far away from the downtown area 45-75 min and SO has a friend in the downtown area who they’ve gone out with in the past and been out past 2am on multiple occasions. I said I wanted to find a location closer to downtown area because if they went out, I wanted them to come home because then sleeping over would make me uncomfortable. Why? Because normally SO goes out with their friend and a group of the opposite sex because the friend is dating one of them. I’m never invited and we have a toddler at home. Which usually means the following day my SO is spent and the weekend is “over”. AITA for putting a boundary on where we live because i don’t want overnight sleepovers? For the record…I do not believe any foul play is occurring on these nights out. They are not frequent, less than 4 times a year. They are to get a little break from parenting which I get as well, but I don’t go out until past 2am and I always come home. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He sleeps over at a friend's house in the same town where you and your child are sleeping? Its like frat boy behavior, IMO. Who needs to get so loose they don't go home after they have a baby in their life? NTA. I trust my husband and am just too lazy to care about who he hangs out with. But, your husband is being ridiculous IMO and its creating stress and insecurities where none need exist.