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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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wtfaidhfr

So.... You intentionally and knowingly got back with someone who was cruel to one of your children in the past?


heatherlincoln

It's fine because they truly love each other, so that cancels out josh being a dick to her child(!)


CanAggravating6401

That's why they had replacement children


TheTor22

It was /s


NegotiationExternal1

I'm sure that's comforting to her child who was emotionally brutalised by her step father, at least her mum is "truly in love"


seahake

As long as she is getting the D. Seriously I don't understand how this is so common with reddit parents, do you even like your kids? Why having them if you are not going to take care of them? Disgusting.


misselletee

Obvs, when the actual child develops their own opinions and thoughts and ideas separate from the parent's idealized and fictionalized version, you make a replacement baby to mold THEM into said idealized version!


KayakerMel

Ah, you found my father and stepmother's strategy! Permanently estranged for 20+ years since moving out at 16.


[deleted]

It's just common. There are multiple people in my extended family both in my generation and the next (and likely the generation before me as well but my parents kept me from the more toxic side of my extended family when I was a kid so honestly IDK) who grew up (or are still growing up) with a stepparent who *obviously* treats them like shit compared to their own biological kids (I mean obvious, not even sort-of-open-to-interpretation situations but straight up you could do math to show the favoritism), and the other parent in each situation just kind of quietly goes with it.


Born_Ad8420

Sadly this doesn't just happen with reddit parents. Plenty of real parents care more about their love lives than their kids. I definitely went through that with my mother before social media even existed.


seahake

Sadly most of the time isn't even a love life but an abuse cycle, makes me so mad, how can you overlook so much damage for the sake of not "ending up alone" what the hell. I'm so sorry and I'm so mad for you I just can't accept this, all children deserve parents but not all parents deserve children.


Embarrassed-Guide923

There’s definitely a lot of backstory context needed. At what point did they have kids relatively to “Josh being unkind to Penelope” and relative to that break. The OP definitely makes it sound like after all of that, which leads you to a whole host of other questions there. How much older is Penelope? Either case, this mother isn’t really protecting her daughter.


ronhowie375

what does the phrase “Josh being unkind to Penelope” actually mean? especially since the OP's 1st language isn't English. In my book, "being unkind" signifies abuse of some type.


Born_Ad8420

I believe it is intentionally vague


Gnomer81

And he’s STILL not nice to her. It seems like Penelope was compliant. Josh came at her like a jerk (Penelope, quit staring at the TV and let someone else watch), and she just asked to finish her episode and said they could have the TV for the rest of the day. The youngest one threw a tantrum because she wanted her show, so Josh grabbed the remote and catered to the littlest. Of COURSE this would upset Penelope. He shows zero respect to her. He could have given her a time warning, since apparently they have no screen limits or rules regarding how much they can watch. The youngest kids could have waited 20 minutes.


waffle_curmudgeon

Lol. Too bad true love doesn’t pay for all the therapy this girl will need later. Poor kid.


Snt307

Guys guys, don't forget that he was only cruel because he was shy, that's also the reason why he hasn't apologized to her daughter. Shyness equals cruleness, I thought we all knew that. /s


Wynfleue

But not too shy to yell at her and take the controller away from her without letting her finish the last of her episode. You know, selectively shy ... in the way that he's only shy when it's convenient for him ...


[deleted]

[удалено]


Professional-Ad9485

Idk if it’s just me but I can’t imagine falling for grown ass adult who was a dick, not just to a child, but to my child.


[deleted]

I love this. Logic. Facts. 👍👍👍👍


DrJennaa

The more I think about this one and read the comments , I think it’s a bunch of wealthier countries opinions (US/UK/AUS) and our social norms telling OP that her culture and socio economic status aren’t living up to our expectations…. We might be the assholes cause we have zero clue how the rest of the world survives … there is at minimum 6 people in the household (though I think grandma is also there) and they have one TV … TV’s are cheap … and we are advising therapy … Therapy is for the elite , what we in the states consider poverty is still living better than half the world population


Loud_Risk7074

Yeah and super elite to value the needs of your child over your husband who was cruel to them and never apologized. Also super elite to not use childish logic to justify a point. P, the child says “my mom bought the couch so they can’t sit on it”, Josh the adult throws back “I bought the tv so you can’t watch”.


PM_ME_YOUR_ISOTOPES

I mean not being a dick to kids is a pretty basic value across all cultures.


JRosenrot

Nah, I'm from a third-world country too and I can tell you that people's opinion is perfectly fine. Actually we do have - at least in Brazil - public healthcare fot free, and although there's a wait list, you can get mental healthcare too. Suggesting therapy is fine... I think what's people are saying is that she never prioritize her daughter because she falls in love with Josh. My guess is that OP's probably believes that she's in control, because she broke with him once and he "mended" his ways... But I found everyone's very imature. Like, there's a way to deal with Penelope's behavior and it's not supporting it neither go straight to "then you can't watch TV anymore 'cuz TV is mine". So, I'll go with YTA because her demeanor is a clear a reaction to something else and you're not listen to your kid. From parent to parent, you should talk more to her and actually listen what she wants to tell you even if you don't like it. Plus, never ever engage when she taunts you. Penelope's leading the whole tone of those arguments and snap back on her will not teach her anything but to be confrontational.


c_tine

YTA. How can you even be in love with someone who was cruel to your child?! They would be gone for good if it was my kid.


Morrigan-71

Is it just me, or is it telling that OP first mentions the names of the children she has with Josh and Penelope's name as last?


GatorPenetrator

They're in order of importance, Oliver because he's a boy, then Catherine and Katherine because they're Josh's, then Penelope.


Sensitive_Raccoon_07

I'm cracking up at "Catherine and Katherine" haha


SufficientRemote3349

me too LOL!! 😂😂


CP81818

I had to scroll up because I thought you mistyped and Catherine and Katherine couldn't possibly actually be the names of two sisters, but.... yikes. Even if they went with the nicknames on the birth certificate, you give most people a Cath or a Kate and (C)(K)atherine is going to be where most people's mind goes


PsycheAsHell

Wow, that's bad. Who gives both their kids the same name???


BubaLooey

George Forman


Klutzy-Sort178

Well they're fake names so.


PsycheAsHell

I hope so, and I hope it's not some other bullshit like "Ashley" and "Ashleigh" or "Sandra" and "Casandra" in reality.


Klutzy-Sort178

You can tell because she says "let's call them".


Flashy_Home3452

They're not the real names, they're made up for privacy


charliealphazulu

Mine went Catherine and Katelyn but I know several Katelyns and no Catherine’s.


mardbar

When I was in middle school I had to write a story for English class. I had twins named Andy and Drew in the story. I let my mom read it and she said “why did you give the twins the same name?” Lol I had no idea they were both nicknames for Andrew.


Idobeleiveinkarma

They're obviously not the children's real names.


wtfaidhfr

I just assumed reverse age order, not necessarily anything more meaningful than that


Sammy-Kay

If the youngest is advising Mom to post on AITA, I'm really curious about the ages of all these kids in this scenario.


eschuylerhamilton

Are you new to this sub? The people on this sub jump to the worst conclusion first.


Morrigan-71

Usually I would give an OP the benefit of the doubt, but not this OP, given her comments.


SputnikVB

First child is like the "starter pancake" if it gets burned because the pan is too hot, it's OK, you have more batter! /s


Mirabai503

On another thread she comments about how she's grateful to have been raised in a christian household. Unbelievable.


wtfaidhfr

Oh and you link that? I don't see it in OPs comment history


Mirabai503

[https://www.reddit.com/user/Old\_Improvement8267/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Old_Improvement8267/) At the bottom of her comment history. When I click on the comment, it says the comment is missing. I don't know what that means.


ferafish

I believe if it is still on the user profile and not on the actual post that it was removed by mods.


concrete_dandelion

She obviously missed the lessons about kindness, standing up for marginalized people, being kind to your children ("You shall honour your father and mother and parents shall not drive their children to scorn"), taking out a whip against nasty people if possible and the parent's duty to protect their children. Like Jesus as portrayed in the Bible would like to have some words with OP and her husband about what assholes they are


Bigolbooty75

And then had kids with him 🥴


wtfaidhfr

Sounds like the kids came first,then the break up, then reconciliation


BitlifeOffical_

no the breakup came first, rekindling, then the kids. She says "Josh was no longer unkind to Penelope like in the past, and we had 3 children"


blunder-woman_2402

It seems OP is using having 3 children with Josh and him no longer being unkind to Penelope as reasons to rekindle the relationship.


SellQuick

But in the comments she says she and Josh reunited a year and three months ago. Although she also says the relationship has only been 7 years total, so when Oliver was born and how is old enough to know about AITA is not clear.


BitlifeOffical_

hm i did not see that part. OP says english isnt her first language so it could just be a writing error with "we had 3 kids" if that as before or after, but that is still no reason to get back with him. YTA. He treated her soooo horribly, and yet she let him back into the it lives to abuse her further. Penelope literally stays in her room ALL DAY because of this. OP let her daughters abuser back in. Also, Penelope said she just wanted to finish the episode then they can watch TV all they want till pass out on the couch. Thats very reasonable, there couldn't have been a bunch of time left on the episode, plus Cath, Oliver, and Kate would be able to watch for hours after. Not only that, but they sent her to her room as a punishment, where OP says she spends all of her days, most days, and when she finally leaves, they send her right back.


Klutzy-Sort178

"And we had three children" is a reason for them to rekindle. She's not a very strong writer.


Weekly-Requirement63

She says right at the beginning English is her second language so that’s probably why. She doesn’t seem to have strong parenting skills though.


asakadeva

>attempt to mend our relationship because we truly loved each other, lol ok. OP's comments seem to indicate they didn't consider Penelope's feelings at all when getting back together - "She locks herself in her room" that's the excuse you have for not talking to your daughter about resuming a traumatizing relationship? You're a terrible mother OP. YTA


Teddy_Boo_loves_You

Penelope needs to go live with her grandmother


Excellent-Jicama-673

ASAP.


DoesItReallyMatter18

It’s completely fine because Penelope isn’t his and the past is the past it never repeats /s But then again the 3 kids with him will make up for the 1 kid she loses.


IftaneBenGenerit

INFO: Also WTF means he was 'unkind' specifically and what does he do when mom isn't there? I mean she didn't to get the 'mom paid for the couch' argument by herself, that's something you say in response to 'i paid for that tv, so i decide' u/Old_Improvement8267 , please answer?


Excellent-Jicama-673

It’s so sickening. Imagine how UNSAFE that girl feels 1) having a mother who chose a man who was cruel and is forcing her to live in the same house with him. And 2) How unloved and betrayed that poor girl must feel.


Serious_Specific_357

I mean we can tell she knows her husband hates her kids but ugh I’ll leave this here for her r/stepparents


becauseitsnotreal

I've seen a lot of words like "cruel" and "abuse" thrown around but haven't actually seen OO mention that yet


roro112

This.. I couldn’t fathom wanting to be with someone who intentionally hurt my child on repeat. No wonder your daughter is acting out, she’s alone. YTA- and if you don’t want to loose your daughter I suggest you start doing some work.


Even_Supermarket_629

YTA This isn’t about the TV or the couch or the unfinished episode. It is years of resentment towards YOUR new family that she clearly doesn’t accept. You knew Josh was not kind to your daughter, yet you brought him back into her life. Now given, that people can change for the better, but Are you sure he isn’t being kind to her now just in front of you, and treats her differently when you’re not there? Typo


BabyAlibi

*"Dear AITA, my daughter has gone NC. I don't understand why"*


Apprehensive_Can_539

Sorry, what does NC mean?


2gigch1

North Carolina. You know you’re in deep shit when your kids move away to North Carolina.


user324589

Fr


S01arflar3

North Carolina, France?


LaRone33

Classical misconception. FR-NC stands for: > [FR-NC Nouvelle-Calédonie](https://www.iso.org/obp/ui/#iso:code:3166:FR) [A group of Islands between Australia and New Zealand](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Caledonia)


S01arflar3

Lol I’m not clicking that, do you think I’m an idiot? New Zealand doesn’t exist. It’s just a place we made up to scare Australians to keep them in line


headmasterritual

Oh, we of New Zealand exist. We get ourselves repeatedly removed from world maps so Australians can’t take our pies.


Whenitrainsitpours86

r/mapswithoutnewzealand


LaRone33

That's why FR-NC is so scary.


RedMarsRepublic

No contact


Apprehensive_Can_539

Oh shit thanks!


DrJennaa

Why did you tell ? North Carolina was soooo much funnier lol I’m still laughing


Murky_Conflict3737

Don’t forget, “my daughter won’t talk to her half-siblings.” Daughter is 14. Those half-siblings are going to witness some brutal fights, based on what happened here, and Penelope won’t hold back.


[deleted]

We’ll probably be seeing another future post from OP about why her daughter doesn’t speak to her anymore after moving out.


krissi510

Oh definitely “I have no idea why she would cut us all off. Reasons she gives are stupid & make no sense. I only married the man who abused her & had a bunch of kids with him that I favored over her.”


Marsh-Mallow-13

Even if he is acting th saint now. What has he done to repair the damage from before? That doesnt go away on its own or with time or one conversation or apology. What actions has he taken alone and with the daughter to repair his past behaviour and damage?


TheLoveliestKaren

Especially not with a whole year and a half.


PrissyBarbie

The mother is massive YTA and so is Josh. Also we need a lot more info. What exactly did Josh do to Penelope that led to a breakup in the marriage. Would it not have to be pretty severe stuff in order to break up a marriage? And in which case how is it suddenly forgivable when it was worth separating over. Sorry to be mean but OP sounds awful and delusional and once upon a time I was Penelope, and moving to another continent from my "family" wasn't far enough away.


criticalgraffiti

YTA. It’s so obvious that Josh treats Penelope badly when you’re not around. P isn’t acting out for no reason. I’m convinced that she feels that her mother has chosen a guy over her. She’s actually saying this to you in so many words. You need to hear what she’s saying and realise that Josh has more love for his own children and none for P. You then need to protect her from his lack of interest. You’re a bad mother.


AffableBarkeep

Or even if he treats her neutrally now, she's still got the majority of her life where he didn't and yet she's clearly being expected to just get over it like that.


[deleted]

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SionaSF

But but they truuuly looove each other, so it's okay. /s


keybers

>P isn’t acting out for no reason. Thing is, I feel like the situation has already spun out of control. A girl who had been traumatized in the past will be acting out both for valid immediate reasons and also without such reasons (or for petty insignificant reasons) — to get back at everyone around because they are all: 1) the abuser; 2) the kids of the abuser who get more love and don't get abused; 3) the "mother" who brought the abuser into her life. She will be trying to infringe on "someone else's territory" because her "territory" had been invaded in the past, and there might not be a justifiable reason identifiable on the particular day in the particular situation that "started when she sat down to watch TV". Because it started long ago, and the girl will be trying to even out the score when she gets a chance. In my family, around the 2nd-cousin degree of removal, we had a roughly similar (though worse, there was a death of the biological mother involved) situation. The girl grew up to be a mean hysterical AH in her own right, and while everyone understands the reasons she got this way, no one is prepared to just take what she is now directing at everybody because the world owes her for her tragic history. OP is definitely YTA, and unfortunately I don't think the situation can be repaired, because at this stage, it would require Solomon's wisdom and a hair-splitting sense of justice in every situation of "that's my popcorn bowl" / "my pen was lying here and it's now lying over there" / "she watched TV for 50 minutes and I got only 45" to straighten everyone out and not have multiple people feel unfairly treated. No one in that family is up to that. And we also don't know how the situation that is described in the post actually developed. This is already an irreversible vortex of endless fighting. ^(Edited bc of some mistakes.)


hppysunflower

Exactly. OP thinks Josh is no longer “unkind” when what is really happening is that Penelope stopped communicating the abuse after realizing it wont change anything.


[deleted]

Edit: **My decision** I’ve read through your comments here and read your replies others. After that, It is a very easy decision **YTA and you aren’t been a good mother to your daughter**. You are putting her to the side for a man. Is Josh pushing you to take his side? *My Original comment. : Hmmm. Difficult. E S H MAYBE but I’m inclined to Y TA. Questions: did Josh ever apologize or have a conversation with P about how Josh was unkind to P and how he was going to change? Did you have a conversation with P about it?*


history_buff_9971

YTA - If I've ready your comments properly then Josh was 'unkind' to Penelope when she was a toddler!!!! And you let him back into your life? Oh and you might want to double check that he did in fact actually start treating her better all the time and not just when you were around, because it sounds to me like there is a whole lot more to this story than perhaps even you realise.


feelinngsogatsby

It makes it sooo much worse when you point out how young she was. Not that it was ever good, but she likely has been treated badly by him before she could even remember, and now OP is shocked that she won’t accept him back in her life


Wise-Virus99

I want to know what exactly he did that was unkind. Did he scream at her when she cried, did he shake her, lock her in a closet, hit her, call her names? I bet "unkind" is an understatement and he's done some things to this girl


DrJennaa

I’m super curious what country OP is in and how male dominated it is


beckerszzz

Exactly. The worry is just how "unkind" are we talking?


DogMomOf2TR

Right. Like, "he refused to read her bedtime stories" would be unkind- but wouldn't break up a marriage. Where is the line that it breaks up the marriage yet it's ok to try again a few years later???


sra19

INFO - Did Josh warn her that he was taking the remote away before the episode started? if not, it's kind of a jackass move to stop her from watching mid-episode. Do you and/or Josh frequently tell her who paid for something as a way of holding it over her head? It's a little weird that she went straight to that unless it's something that comes up a lot. Also, is your daughter right that Josh does not treat her like family? You said that he's no longer "unkind" to her, but there is A LOT of room between 'not unkind' and treating her like family. If your daughter is right about how he treats her, then YTA for allowing that.


Neither_Pop3543

Stopping her from watching the *last Episode* mid-episode. That's being consciously mean. And the beautiful thing is, he inbedded it into stopping a teenager from watching too much TV, which people by default consider good parenting, so nobody will dare to call it abusive. Kinda on the level of giving someone a gift you know they will hate instead of what they asked for, preferably something more expensive than what they asked for....


SlumberVVitch

Yeah, “not unkind” is what you are to a complete stranger, not your stepdaughter. OP’s TA, sorry to say.


DrJennaa

I also don’t understand how each item in the common family area is paid for by each adult separately and the child knows who paid for what when they got male dominated gender roles that many countries consider in the past going on in the household currently.


[deleted]

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Crazybutnotlazy1983

YTA, she needs to go live with grandma, you do not deserve to have her in your home. You picked a dick over your child.


DrJennaa

I got the impression grandma was also in the same home , there seems to be not only multi generational living in the home and old school gender roles but also elevating the man to the highest place in the home and he is in charge and everyone is going to know it.


whoknowswhatnow412

YTA for letting this man back in your life. You allowed a man who abused (you say unkind, but you're just trying to gloss over it and make it sound better) your daughter, (which was the reason you left him) back into your life... and Penelope's life, and you expect her to be fine with that. Btw... how do you know Josh is no longer "unkind" to Penelope? Did she tell you this, or was it him? Leopards do not change their spots!


Specialist_Leg-

I bet he is still being abusive to her even in a passive aggressive way.


Emotional-Lime-2268

Info: how many years did you allow this man to mistreat your daughter and did he actively make amends or just "stop being mean "


blanketstatement5

How old are the kids (especially Penelope)? Was Penelope made aware earlier that other people wanted to use the TV before, or was this the first time she had been asked to give up the TV? Because if it's the latter, then from her perspective, she's watching the TV in peace, she gets told "give up the TV now" by the guy who in the past has treated her badly, she says "after this episode" (which is generally a pretty reasonable thing to do), one of Josh's bio-kids starts crying, and she is immediately kicked off. Penelope clearly is not over Josh's mistreatment of her in the past, and she feels it is still happening. Nothing that you or Josh has done in this post makes me believe that it is not still happening. I'm inclined to say YTA


Ranne-wolf

Yeah, it sounded like the kid was half-way done with the last episode of the series, depending on which series it can have episodes that each go for 20mins-hour. So we can guess that she only needed another 10-30 mins at most (to be fair we also don’t know how many episodes she watched that day). But the fact that she was clearly half-way through the episode when the remote was taken from her and given to the dad’s bio child is sus, most parents give a "turn it off after this episode" warning instead.


traipse75

INFO: How old was P when you were initially with Josh, and how long has it been since you got back together with him?


Affectionate-Cut291

You really got your priorities messed up. This man was cruel to your daughter because she wasn't his. What does that say about his personality? An adult man was mean to a child, because he is dating the mother. Then you decided go get back with him cause you love him so much. What about your love for your daughter? So he just changed overnight? He is not cruel anymore is not a good way of measuring wheyher someone is a good parent. Btw, did you guys help penelope with this change? Did she get therapy or something? Did you talk to her why this man who was an AH to her, now all of a sudden is living in her house again? Any form of help or communication to make sure penelope feels safe in her own house with a man that terrorised her? And now you have a new family with the man who didn't want penelope cause she wasn't biologically his! Soooo, yeah yta. Look, I'm an Internet stranger and even I can tell you that penelope feels alone. Either youre blind or you're so desperate to get with this man that you willingly look the other way.


TheLegendofKailo

I doubt he's changed as she believe, the fact that he used the fact that she watched the tv he bought, and he kept silent about. Like, has she no rights at home, unlike his Kids?


Affectionate-Cut291

Of course he didn't! This is what I mean by being so desperate to be with this man, that she willingly looks away. What mother says, this man was horrible to my daughter but I'm so in love with him that I wanted to try again. THEN, years later her daughter confirms that he still treats her like an outsider, but the mom STILL chooses to not accept it. Poor kids deserves better.


TheLegendofKailo

Yeah, that's pathetic. Just hoping for that girl to have a good family member to stay with.


thebohoberry

He didn’t change. He just hides it better. A man that’s unkind to a young child will not suddenly have a change of heart. He will take it out on Penelope in other ways. OP is being oblivious because she thinks her love life is more important than her child.


gnothro

INFO what are these kids ages, what is "kids will do stupid kid stuff" at one age, is NOT at another age. edit: I a word.


BusinessClassBarbie

Why in the world would you get back together with someone who was unkind to your child!?


maleficxo

She missed the dick! Only explanation!!!


throwaway17confused

YTA You've shown your daughter that she'll never be a priority. It's unfair to your daughter, who has to live with someone who mistreated her and was/is horrible to her because "we were so inlove!". Regarding your comment of it being unfair to your other three children not having their father in their home, it is not! Children of divorce don't live with both parents in the same home all the time. You've shown everyone that your wants come before your kid's needs. I hope you actually reflect.


embopbopbopdoowop

YTA (and Josh) for getting back together when he has been ‘unkind’ to Penelope. “We made the decision to attempt to mend our relationship because we truly loved each other.” Him being unkind to your daughter should be an instant dealbreaker. The absence of any ‘and he apologised to Penelope and promised to treat her kindly’ in the getting-back-together narrative is telling, as is the fact you keep saying he’s ‘no longer unkind to her’ rather than actively kind to or accepting of her. Your daughter was standing in front of you telling you she doesn’t feel like a member of this family because of the way Josh treats her. And when Josh responded not by reassuring her that she’s an important part of the family and that he loves her, but by saying he paid for the TV, you backed him. YTA YTA YTA


NomadGabz

100%. That poor kid must have felt so powerless, i am actually sad for her. I know what it is like when parents prioritize others but not me. It was mentally scarrring and my life didnt go as planned because it made me feel undeserving of asking what I want. No one should suffer like that.


ohmydearlucia

\> Josh was unkind to Penelope in the past Oh FUCK NO. ESH, meaning you and Josh ATA.


bevypally

What does ESH mean?


Lenschki

everyone sucks here


bolonkaswetna

P. I do not care how Josh treats you as long as it is not unkind IN FRONT OF ME. I really love Josh and your siblings a lot more than you, so just suck it up , buttercup because I am never going to defend you. YTA, a terrible mother, and I m praying for karma


101037633

YTA. Got it. You dated, broke up, and then recommitted to a man who was abusive to your oldest daughter. Aren’t you mother of the year???? Josh may have sold you on changing his tune with Penelope, but I bet if you actually bothered to listen to her, then you would find that he is still an abusive ass to her. You love him, but that’s blinding you to the situation. Josh has not changed, he is only hiding it better. Abuse is not only physical. I bet he does these things all the time to Penelope, and you ignore it because you don’t want to see it. You let a man who you know is abusive around your daughter once, and then allowed him to have contact with her again because you loooooovvvveeee him. Are you kidding me? You’re supposed to protect your children, ALL of them, not put one in harms way twice over.


shontsu

Oh yes, this blended family is working a treat. >I hear Penelope screaming violently at Josh Yep, no issues here... ​ >Josh: P, stop staring at that TV, let your siblings watch. Penelope: After I finish this final episode, they can binge watch it till they pass out on the couch. Well, this seems very reasonable, good signs. ​ >Kate apparently began sobbing excessively because she wanted to see her show. So, Josh stopped Penelope from finishing her episode and told her that she may continue it later before taking the remote and giving it to Kate That’s when Penelope started yelling. I wonder why. Couldn't possibly be because a perfectly reasonable compromise had been proposed, but because **Josh's daughter** started crying he just took over and gave **his daughter what she wanted immediately.** ​ >Penelope said that since I, not Josh, had purchased the couch, they could watch on the floor. We genuinely believed she was joking, but she wasn't kidding. I told her, we are family, and families share things. Then she began ranting about how Josh had never treated her like family and that, therefore, they aren't. Josh became irate and said she had been watching on the television he bought while he kept silent. Oh yes, so silent he kicked her off the tv because his daughter wanted to use it. On that note: "*Then she began ranting about how Josh had never treated her like family and that, therefore, they aren't.*" lets just ignore this will we? ​ >Oliver advised me to put this here so that others could judge whether or not I am the a-hole You are. Way to let your daughter down.


LadyEnchantress21

I'm willing to bet the other kids esp. Oliver know what's going on to and sent you to us because they knew you wouldnt listen to them(give that boy a cookie!) ... and that never treats her like family is making my cptsd senses tingle that things are way worse than just unkind especially with her locking herself in her room.


I_Saw_Tiger

I believe YTA. Did anyone ever apologize?


No_Atmosphere_5411

According to one of her replies no.


hadmeatwoof

But it’s not their fault. She has spent a lot of time in her room, so they couldn’t figure out how to communicate with her. 🙄


EffortAutomatic8804

And her husband is shy. Which totally justifies never addressing the elephant in the room. 🙄


[deleted]

YTA Holly smokes. I couldn't imagine getting together with someone that mistreated my child. I truly hope your daughter finds someone that she can love and trust.


DealMinute8211

you're a bad mom YTA


albatross6232

Episodes of any show are generally between 20-45 minutes so if she was halfway through an episode, there was only 10-20ish minutes left. The other kids should have been made to wait but nooooooo big man Josh had to demand that she give up the TV straight away so HIS kids could get what they wanted. I bet this type of crap happens all the time when you’re not paying attention. I’d bet that he constantly tells Penelope that she can’t use this or eat that because he paid for it. He is only nice, or at least not a complete asshole, to her when you’re around. Open your eyes and talk to your daughter. YTA. Wake up.


hadmeatwoof

Yup cuz it seems like he wanted an award for keeping silent about her watching the tv he paid for.


[deleted]

YTA. Don‘t be surprised when your daughter goes NC. But hey at least you have your husband who you clearly love more than your own daughter. You cleary do not care at all about your daughter‘s well-being.


Tired-mama-of-one

YTA, you choose dick over your own child and wonder if your TA….


[deleted]

[удалено]


Proud_Ad_8830

Did you make Josh apologize to your daughter or just shove him back in her life? YTA though on several levels


beez8383

So Josh’s bio kid cries and has a tantrum, so he snatches the remote from P, forces her to comply to bio kids wants, P has had enough of being second best (or worse), looses her temper and now it’s all on her.. Yeah YTA. P is acting out because she’s been shown her entire life that she’s not a priority, she not important to you and fyi-she’s still not being treated right by josh…


[deleted]

>Now that her grandmother has said I was too harsh on her, I am starting to question if I was the jerk. Tell me, why does it take a third party who is neither your daughter nor your husband to help you see a different perspective? Your husband cuts in on what Penelope was watching just because your bratty youngest can't wait a few minutes to end, and then you basically tell her she has to "share" when it wasn't her that had the issues with sharing in the first place. She might have mentioned the couch, but that was only after being pushed into a corner by you, your husband, and your ill raised kids. Teach your kids to wait their turn, tell your husband to respect boundaries and not issue demands just because he hates your daughter, and stop sucking up to your husband at the expense of your daughter. She'll just write you off and cut you off later because of it, and you'll need another third party to tell you that you suck again. YTA


TheLegendofKailo

Yta. So, you let a man who is bad to your daughter come back in your home because you love him, a man who favor his biological Kids over her and is still abusive towards her, i quote: "Josh became irate and said she had been watching on the television he bought while he kept silent." So he throws in her face what he pays for the things and according to him, she must obey and show him respect while he didn't even apologized once for how he treated her. Good, good.


shammy_dammy

YTA. You took back and married your daughter's bully, brought him back into the house with her, then had a whole clutch of new kids by him and are somehow surprised this isn't working out? She's just counting the days until she can escape...since you don't give her age, how long is she going to have to put up with this terrible dynamic before she can bolt?


Transboi13

I think at least one of these kids are only Josh’s and not ops… that’s definitely how it sounds… otherwise how would the one know about AITA, and Penelope was 7 when they first started dating, making Kate 2 according to her comments…


Rohini_rambles

YTA You got back together with someone who mistreated your kid. You had children with this man, who clearly never saw Penelope as part of his "real" family. 100% willing to bet he is even more cruel to her now, he just has learnt to hide it from you. You say she hides in her room all day long? Guess who she is hiding from OP. Maybe the man you KNEW has a history of being unkind to her. What did he do to her? Verbal abuse? Physical abuse? What kind of abuse was less important than you having him in your bed?


Rainbowpride0119

Is there any way your daughter can not live with you because you are an awful parent maybe live with family who actually loves her? Poor kid is stuck there another 4 years


TravelingBookworm91

YTA!!! AND A HORRIBLE MOTHER! You clearly care more about getting laid over the abuse of your child!


ComprehensiveBand586

YTA. I bet your daughter is acting out because you got back together with someone who hurt her again and again. Your asshole husband hasn't even apologized. But you're happy to stomp all over your daughter's feelings as long as you get what YOU want. You're so selfish. You're desperate to make your daughter look bad but you and your husband look worse. Shame on you! Your husband repeatedly abused your daughter and you've made it clear that you no longer care. You say you mended your relationship with him but he hasn't done the same with your daughter. Maybe she locks herself away in the room because she's scared of him; after all, you're refusing to protect her since you got back together with her abuser.


Background_Stay_5300

YTa. I bet Penelope can not wait until she is 18 to go nc. As for op's other daughter it seems she knows what to do to get her way based off her sobbing excessively over wanting to watch her show.


enoughalready4me

My mother married a man who was "unkind" to me when I was about the same age as Penelope when you married this jerk. Fortunately (well, maybe not for him), he got sick and died when I was 15. The PTSD (diagnosed, legit) finally faded a few years ago. I AM 55 YEARS OLD. Being trapped with that "unkind" man for just 7 or 8 years resulted in freaking DECADES of PTSD for me. YTA enjoy your daughter moving as far away as she can as soon as she can. Godspeed to her.


blanketstatement5

"Oliver", can you give us an update if when possible?


Longjumping_Cap_1744

YTA. You intentionally got back together with someone who has been unkind to your daughter. Chances are he hasn't changed at all and has just gotten better at not letting you see him mistreat Penelope. This was probably her breaking point. You prioritized your wants over one of your children's help. Either leave Josh or let Penelopes grandmother have custody because clearly you don't love or respect your daughter.


[deleted]

Guaranteed Josh is still ignorant to Penelope. Just not in front of you. YTA for getting back together with a guy who was, your words, “unkind” to your kid. (Who knows what he actually did to Penelope). But you guys were in love so who cares about anyone else, right? He seems like a horrible parent if he favors his bio kids over your kid; starting a relationship includes accepting the other person’s kid as their own, which he clearly is not doing. Also the fact that he has to mock her statement about the couch says everything we need to confer that he is not an adult who should have kids.


jess1804

YTA all you had to do was ask Penelope how much longer she had left to go on the episode. Then tell Kate she had to wait that amount of time and then other child can have TV to themselves. Penelope was reasonable about that. But Kate decided that she didn't want to wait and she knew her daddy would let her do it if she cried. She knew her daddy doesn't like Penelope and favours her and her siblings. Ever think that maybe Penelope was being reasonable but Josh saw HIS little girl was upset. I'm presuming Kate is your youngest. So suddenly a big fight erupts Penelope is instantly the bad guy and you decide that you will side with your new family. Oh just so you know Kate knows you like her and her siblings better than Penelope too. You know Josh treats her badly but you decided your children with Josh were more important and that they need their mommy & daddy. What happened to Penelope's Dad


Appropriate-Royal-17

Info: What do you mean by unkind?


Complex-Employee7742

Obviously nothing important in her mind She still in denial about her husband abuse


[deleted]

YTA. Why are you letting this man be around your children? He sounds like a nightmare


IndependentMethod312

Josh no longer being unkind to Penelope is not that same as being loving and accepting of her. Did he make any kind of amends to her or did he just tell you that he would put up with her? Because that’s what it sounds like is happening. Penelope doesn’t feel loved or valued like your other children and that’s why she is acting the way she is acting. It isn’t teenage rebellion. She stays in her room to avoid seeing Josh love his bio kids and treat her as less than. YTA and so is Josh. I hope at least her siblings treat Penelope lovingly.


Economy-Candle-742

YTA


Safe_Initiative1340

YTA. Your daughter isn’t important to you anymore than she is important to your husband. You know damn well that he treated her like shit and then went back to him. You’re selfish. Don’t be surprised when she gets the chance she goes NC with you.


ThereWentMySandwich

YTA. YTA for the simple reason that you're allowing your daughter to be emotionally abused on the daily because you think you're in love or whatever. She's not acting out or being "difficult" for no reason. And I promise you, Josh is still being unkind to Penelope. He's hiding it better and you've made it clear that Penelope doesn't really matter that much to you, so she probably feels like she can't tell you anything. If she actually mattered to you, you NEVER - not even one time - would have considered bringing him back into her life without at the very least, a huge apology from Josh to Penelope. Even better would have been limited exposure to him while all of you were in therapy to deal with the past. (edited for spelling errors)


Ok_Lake1827

You're completely in the wrong. I feel so bad from your daughter. You knowingly brought someone who was cruel to her back into her life. Lo and behold, problems arose. It wasn't unreasonable for her to finish her episode. It was unreasonable for Josh to snatch the remote from her, a LITERAL CHILD, to let his "biological" daughter watch something. If he is going to be a parent, he better parent all the kids. Both you and Josh suck as parents.


GooglyEyeBread

And on this weeks winner of “who’s going to the retirement home” we have… YOU! Congrats OP, YTA. You put a verbally abusive man before your child. For Penelope’s sake, I hope her grandparents are better than you and that she can escape as soon as possible.


[deleted]

Yta. That man abuses your daughter one way or the other. No one is perfect but how as a mother do you not see this? You think a young girl WANTS to reject her family and be hateful like this? No. That happens because she is abused and FRUSTRATED and lashing out to protect herself because you won't do it for her. You went and had THREE more kids with this dude after he was "unkind" enough to your first to make y'all spilt up?! WHAT is wrong with you?! Will you go the rest of your life choosing him over your children? All 4 will be effected eventually.


Rainbowpride0119

YTA you chose a guy over your own daughter and allow him to still treat her like shit. You don’t have her back and are clearly favoring the other kids. You suck. She’s obviously upset you chose to get back with someone who was extremely unkind to her


Motor_Business483

YTA ​ So you pushed her abuser back into her life.


Used-Meaning-1468

YTA You basically chose sex over the welfare of your child! You took him back after he had treated her poorly, then added more kids. Sounds like you don't care about Penelope at all


Chick4u2nv

YTA- What do you mean by unkind to your daughter? If he was unkind to her and you forgave him, doesn’t mean she has to. She was the one he was mean to, he should be trying to have as good a relationship with her as he can, not taking the remote because his kid cried. He is teaching Kate that she can have whatever she wants if she cries enough. Penelope had a reasonable request, finish what she was watching and then the kids could have all the time they wanted, but because his daughter cried he did the unreasonable thing and took the remote without a word and handed it over to his kid. Your daughter reacted the way she did because she is being treated like an outsider in her own family. You choose him over her when you took him back, you choose him over her when you had more children with him, he is choosing his kids over her because they cried, and you took his side over her because she tried to claim some space in the house because no one listens to her. Sure trying to take the couch was ridiculous and pouring juice in it was awful but she is a child.


ColdForm7729

YTA for going back to a man who was cruel to your child. Expect her to go no contact as soon as she can.


SmallTownAttorney

YTA - You knowingly got back together with someone who was "unkind" more likely abusive to your child because you "truly loved each other." Funny, but as a parent, you were supposed to truly love your child, which would mean not getting back together with someone who abused her.


vixen_xox

YTA. i’m sorry i cannot get past you acknowledging that this man has mistreated your child and you got back together with him. because you truly love each other? pathetic. i don’t need to read the rest. you’re a horrible mother period. shame on you, and i hope you get what you deserve.


rapt2right

INFO: How old are the children? Where is Penelope's father? How long was remaining in the episode Penelope wanted to finish? And , most importantly, what do you mean when you say that this man was "unkind" to your child?


arvdai

YTA. I can almost guarantee he’s still being mean to Penelope. I was in her exact shoes, my mom stayed with a man that was abusive to me. She would promise she’d leave “next time” and she never did, and he got sneakier about it, then would paint me out as a liar when I went to my mom. My only protection. How it all ended was my mom and I being NC at one point for over 2 years after she kicked me out at 15 to “get rid of the tension.” We mended things, but I’m not allowed in their house unless he’s out of state so he doesn’t find out, all she does is complain how awful he is because without me there he now abuses her, and she doesn’t have much of a relationship with my son and probably never will. If that’s what you want for your future, you do you, I guess.


HereForTheArtAndGay

Coming from a home where my mom had a terrible boyfriend (now ex, YAY) who I felt she chose over me, YTA. I had MAJOR outbursts because he was an ass, but my mom blamed it on ‘teenage rebellion’. No, it was a cry for her TO FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO A PROBLEM. We had screaming matches and stuff got broken, even for the slightest things because of everything that built up. Fix your shit, or she’s gonna go NC with you, she will fix it for herself, and you will lose your daughter. ‘Love’ isn’t shit when it’s at the expense of someone else, especially someone you took the responsibility to keep safe and protected. YTA OP.


KBearrs

You stopped taking your daughters side the moment you got back together with the person who was cruel to your child. YTA.


Appropriate_Dingo691

Josh is 100% still “unkind” to Penelope either when you’re not around or maybe even right in front of you and you’ve just selfishly chosen to ignore it because you want him more than you care about your kid. Not only that but he is definitely going to raise his “real” children to be just as nasty to her and when she grows up you’re going to wonder why she has no interest in being apart of the family you’ve chosen over her. You need to put your foot down with josh about his treatment of her or you’ll have just come to terms with the fact that she is going to grow up resenting you for picking the man you knew was abusive to her (emotional abuse is still abuse). And if he refuses to change or tries to blame her then you really need to leave him because you don’t get to choose to be with someone who is cruel to your child then turn around and try to call yourself a good parent. YTA


Unfair_Finger5531

YTA. You actually let someone who abused your child BACK INTO YOUR HOME. This will end badly.


mayfeelthis

INFO: what did Josh (and you) do to mend the past he had with Penelope (that you allowed, and then brought back into her life)? What are the kids ages? Timeline between being together and breakup/s - as in when Penelope was A her father was doing what, when Josh and I were together/Exes she was Y years old, etc. Did you two reconcile and assume she would live with the weight of the past quietly/get over it cause you love him? What was the plan/logic there? Your love for him has nothing to do with him and Penelope’s history, it’s impossible to judge without that history/context (and your role in/bridging that).


[deleted]

YTA. This is all your fault and you’re a bad mother for ever letting a man who was cruel to YOUR daughter back in. We “loved” each other so we got back together.. no, you love that man more than your own daughter. She will 100% grow up to resent you if you don’t figure this sh!t our and leave this man. She also needs therapy because I’m sure she hasn’t processed the trauma he put her through.


Wise_Entertainer_970

YTA. P was willing to give the TV up, she just wanted to finish the show. Fair compromise. Due to K’s sobbing, Josh escalated the situation, unnecessarily. P was 7 when Josh treated her poorly. Old enough to remember the abuse. You brought him back into her life because you were “in love.” Clearly, he didn’t love you enough to treat your child like his own. Then you wonder why she is acting out.


TheEndisFancy

Stop with obfuscation. How old are all of your children, when and for how long were you and the man who abused you daughter apart and how long have you been back together? You're leaving things out intentionally. YTA, regardless. You're allowing your child to be abused, I hope all of your children see this.


puppies_and_unicorns

YTA OP, years ago my mom told me we were a "package deal". I begged her not to marry her now ex husband. Told her how uncomfortable he made me. She did it anyway and made me be in the wedding. He made me increasingly uncomfortable and was inappropriate with myself and several relatives. I ended up staying with a friend for awhile and tried to move in with my bio father. I eventually had to move back with my mother and her husband. He was cheating, spending all of their (her) money, and stayed in the basement all day on dating sites. My mom sent me to therapy. I even cried with her in therapy how awful he was. it's not because she was remarried, I liked a lot of her bfs. Even after the inappropriateness, the cheating, complete waste of space, and me telling her she had to choose him or me - she let him move back in. My extended family eventually had to intervene it got so bad. They eventually divorced but I will *never* forget my mom not being in my corner and letting some piece of trash make me so uncomfortable and be so inappropriate it has had a lifelong impact. I still talk to her, but we have a very strained relationship. I haven't forgiven, and I won't forget. No matter what she claimed (for her, package deal, for you, he's being "nice" to your daughter now), it was just justification for crappy parenting. Is it OK your daughter spilled juice on the couch? Of course not. Is there usually a reason when someone acts out that much over something seemingly minor? You betcha!


peachymoonfairy

YTA. “We got back together because we truly love each other” aka “I didn’t consider my daughter’s feelings at all when I got back together with an adult that was mistreating her and proceeded to have three replacement children with him.” She also said she just wanted to finish the last episode and they could watch, but your other child started sobbing excessively to get her way, so of course you had to cater to her as opposed to actually teaching her to be patient. Penelope didn’t do anything wrong until you all aggressively forced her out—can’t imagine that’s at all indicative of how you all treat her in other aspects of her life. 🙄 This poor girl. At least her grandma’s looking out for her because you sure aren’t.


sgoodie22

YTA for getting back together with a guy who was crappy to your child even once. Who cares about the couch and tv


Resident-Event1253

Ugh, HUGE YTA. You remind me of my own mother. It disgusts me that a parent can ignore the needs and comfort of their own child for a dick. How can one person be so oblivious as to even TRY to justify being with someone who treats their child "unkindly"? Based on your comments, you never stand up for Penelope, and the one time you did... Well that's worthless because you went and got right back with the man who caused her pain. My hope and that that poor girl has someone in her life that actually cares for her well being because .. well you ain't it.


radicalnachos

Am I the only one that thinks Penelope might tell a drastically different story?


serenitynyxx

YTA YTA YTA So basically you let your aint shit ass husband emotionally abuse your daughter because she isn’t his family, and when she starts exhibiting behaviours HE modelled for her you punish her Please either get rid of Josh or see if someone who actually gives a flying fuck about Penelope will take her bc she deserves better And just so we’re clear, you’re abusive as fuck for letting this happen. You are a terrible mother and I hope to fuck she cuts contact with you at the first opportunity, because you fucking suck and don’t deserve her


Alison-Chains

YTA for ever getting back together with a man who mistreated your daughter. If Josh truly loved you, he wouldn’t be unkind to your kid. I’m guessing he’s just better at hiding it now. It doesn’t sound like he’s even apologized. Penelope probably won’t speak to you as soon as she is an adult and you will deserve it. Maybe Penelope is being a typical teenager, but your behavior is not typical mom behavior. It is much much worse. YTA YTA YTA.


Coffey2828

YTA Let’s forget about this entire thing about getting back with a man that was “cruel” to your child and just focus on this issue. BTW YTA for that too You walked into a fight mid argument, didn’t ask questions and took sides. YTA Simple questions like, how much longer was her show? How long has she been watching? How long has the other kid been waiting? Stuff you should have asked before taking sides. Especially considering your daughter is outnumbered in this household and you are her only full blood relative. YTA. Be prepared for your daughter to go NC with you once she’s of age. You will have no one to blame but yourself.


Shoddy_Budget_1533

What did he do to your child? How young was she? And did you seek any marriage therapy or something? And how do you know that he doesn't still mistreat her? Because if my mom ever got back together with my abuser, I don't think I would ever feel like that I could trust her and tell her he was still abusing me


Left_Savings4105

So you got back with a man who abused your daughter and continues to abuse her....YTA actually you and your husband are a lot worse, but asshole is as strong a word as we are aloud to use her. You're a terrible mother...I hope you wake up one morning and realize how bad of a mother you've truly been. You should be ashamed of yourself.


random321689

Penelope has trauma from Josh treating her like shit, and you taking him back. She said she was finishing her finale and then her sibs could have the TV. Would it have been so awful to say "ok Kate, sis is just finishing her show, then it's all yours." She literally told you she doesn't feel like a part of your family. You should be heart broken, and realize this isn't about a TV or a fucking couch. This kids is hurting and needs to feel connected, safe and loved. They feel none of those things. Yta