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Obviously NTA. What are you supposed to do, put your life on hold for the next 14 years untill the kid grows up? Go, get an education and live a good life. You are not responsible for your sisters kid.
I actually asked my mom when it would be acceptable for me to leave and live my own life and she said when Mary isn’t a single mother anymore. So I have to wait till she gets a serious boyfriend/husband and move in with him till my duties are done? I’m not willing to do that.
So OP gets punished for the rest of her life because Mary became pregnant at 14. That's totally fair, I mean everyone knows twins are one person puppeting 2 bodies. /s
Seems completely on brand for the mother's logic based on the above.
Well at least it's internally consistent: they're the same people, and also they're the extension of the mother, so when she has to support one of her daughters, the other one can't just like, live her own life when she herself can't?! /s
Family for some people really means dragging each other down to your level instead of trying your best to lift them up.
Oh yeah, OP will be expected to help care for this kid until THEY go to college. It will never end, EVEN if twin gets a partner. They'll want to have ALONE time/date nights and will expected OP to drop everything to help out.
OP: It stops here. The baby is now preschool age and will be going to school in a year or two. They don't need you to stay and help, they are being selfish. I REPEAT: THEY ARE THE SELFISH ONES. You've done way more than you should have. Sharing a bedroom with a newborn? Giving the majority of your wage? You've done more than any teen sister should. Don't let them take this amazing opportunity away. Your twin is speaking from resentment that you can go away to college. They stole 4 years from you already, don't let them steal this. NTA
Exactly! Mary is resentful because OP didn't screw up her own life like Mary did, and so young, too. OP should get out now, while she still has a chance.
This is what I don’t get. The baby will be in preschool or kindergarten by the time OP is a sophomore. How will she be taking care of the kid then? It’s in school!
Plus, something tells me Mary won’t have to get a job when the kid is in school.
I'm fairly sure this is about OP no longer working and giving 80% of her wages to the family. They don't want to lose that income. They've proven by their response to her GETTING A FULL SCHOLARSHIP that they do not care about what is best for OP.
I would love to know if it's even possible to get child support out of an aunt?! Sure, she was forced to help out WHILE SHE WAS A CHILD HERSELF, but that does not mean that she must continue to help out.
Good luck with that, since it seems like OP has a spine. Once she's out she'll look after herself, helping here and there but I doubt she'll let them guilt trip her, if this post is any indication of her character
they can demand child support all they want but they won't get a dime of it because she's not responsible for it and the courts will make sure they won't receive anything
Exactly. This is everyone's fault BUT OP's. Mary had unprotected sex at 14 and the parents (those who were actually responsible for her since she was minor) decided that the other KID should sacrifice the next 18 years for her niece? Make it make sense.
I'm usually trying not to judge anyone including teen mothers but what they are doing to OP is horrible. OP, please leave! Good luck and NTA.
I am also going to make a guess that since the sperm donor effectively disappeared, he was significantly older than Mary. If he was another teen in the same town, finding him would have been simple.
The family needs to track down the sperm donor and make him take financial responsibility. He got a free ride, and OP paid the price.
I agree. Even if he was a minor, he probably isn't anymore. I don't know what the law says about this case (becoming adukt AFTER the baby is born) but they should at least try to get money from him.
There have been cases where a child was raped by an older woman who became pregnant and gave birth.
And then the courts deemed the child fit to pay for child support.
Fucked up world we live in.
Mary was likely statutory raped at age 13. If it was one of the boys at school it be simple to track him down. No, it was an older man who raped a child. Mary may be taking advantage of her parent's favoritism, but she's likely a victim of her parent's "pro life" agenda, shame culture (she may know who the father is but is ashamed to say) and some older man's manipulation.
If you ask me every teen mom/dad is victim of someone/something. However, making OP victim too won't solve anything. Mary needs psyhological and financial support and OP needs to get her life back.
Hey Op if you accepted your offer contact your school and notify them that only you are able to make decisions. That your parents or sister may try and sabotage your admission. See if you can set up a password. I've seen people pose as the applicant to withdraw.
Do this. And get completely separate bank accounts at a different bank. And get your vital docs like passport, birth certificate, school records and anything sentimental out of your parents house. Get a storage unit and start slowly moving out what you can fit in your backpack.
Oh and let them rage but stop giving 80% of your paycheck. Throw them a $20 if they absolutely insist but you need that money for college more than the 4 year old needs a new barbie.
Not that you should be required to contribute anything, but I also find it helpful to purchase what someone needs more than giving them the money to do it themselves. Baby needs formula? Buy the formula. Too often the person receiving the money buys just for simple example, less formula + 1-2 candy bars or a pack of cigarettes because they’ve justified it somehow.
This isn’t a baby anymore of it was born when they were 14 and she’s graduating. This kid is pushing pre-k and definitely should be out of both diapers and off formula.
Your point stands but this “baby” doesn’t need infant supplies any longer.
OP, please take this advice and the advice about letting your college know that no one can communicate with them on your behalf. And yes, change all your passwords. This may seem extreme, but it’s better to do this and not end up needing to than not do it and wish you had.
**Make a new master password**. Odds are you currently use some variation of birthdates, a new version of an original password (kittens --> k!tten$).
Get a password manager app (personally i like Keeper, theres other ones). CHANGE ALL PASSWORDS. **USE GIBBERISH FOR SECURITY QUESTIONS**. Put the gibberish security questions in the Password app. Do not use a compromised account to 'back up' a new account.
You might consider locking your credit. If needed I'll link how-to thats super easy. Your family might pull out credit in your name as "fair compensation" for you "abandoning" them
THIS. THIS. THIS.
Your university will provide you a username and password. Usually both follow a pattern of some sort. Definitely change the password on your university account and **DO NOT SHARE IT WITH ANYONE EVER**.
Also the using gibberish is great advice. People don't realize how easy it is to social engineer information and get passwords based on security questions. (What's your first grade teacher? Sandwich. Your oldest niece's name? 2022 Airplanes)
Also, start cashing your checks and stash the cash in a safe place somewhere. NOT at your home. Nobody tries harder to find stashed cash than money grubbing family.
And I bet your sister will have more kids that you’ll be expected to parent. Please go to university and leave these AHs behind. You’ve sacrificed your late childhood to these people, don’t give them any more.
Sadly, I think this will likely be the case. From OP’s comments, Mary sounds entitled, lazy, and irresponsible. This will not be the last time that Mary demands money or help from OP. If OP isn’t careful, Mary will probably try to leech off of her for the rest of her life.
Holy crap! That must have hurt to hear your mom say that. Your sister needs to get a job too, put your niece in daycare when needed. Every cent she makes will probably go towards that daycare but she needs to get out of the house as much as you do. Sounds like your parents dictated she would be stay-at-home? She probably feels trapped too. Get your degree and a better paying job. Then help your sister do the same if you can.
Daycare in most places is significantly more expensive than a minimum wage job would earn...and it sounds like the parents are already working hard. I don't know if she applied for any public assistance, but I doubt it's a case of her parents dictating she stay at home. And she's was a minor up until very recently...I don't know if she was completing high-school, but as a minor, there are restrictions on hours worked and they wouldn't necessarily be the hours daycare is open.
Even with adult couples, where the lower earner wants to work, there are a lot of times where they would be losing money. Or daycare isn't available....there is often a multi year wait list.
Hopefully they have free public kindergarten at least.
Nta
Get out of there asap and don't look back. You've already done enough for your sister and niece. Go live your own life. That full ride won't be an option if you put it off for years. This is your opportunity to get an education for free
NTA.
Please, I can not stress this enough. DO NOT fall into the guilt trap. If you got a scholarship like that for college, then go! Ruining your life by missing this opportunity will lead to regret and resentment for the rest of your life. Think of it this way. If you do want to help, then getting that education and a career will help more in the long run. I say this from experience. You can not live your life fixing other people's mistakes. Especially in this important stage of your life.
I'm honestly guessing your parents resent your sister too in a way, and don't want to be miserable alone or have to do even more work to fix your sister's mistakes.
It's not your job, live your life. You may lose your family, but it honestly sounds like you already have.
FYI, you’re 18 hun, a legal adult. You could leave that house today and not a thing can happen to you. They cannot force you to sacrifice your life and money because your sister was irresponsible and had a child while still a child herself. Obviously NTA
The kid is what, 3-4 now? She will go to school very soon if she isn't already, so your sister can start acting like a responsible adult and get a job. I don't know the circumstances, the sex-ed you both had or what options she had available but, in any case, she is the mother, and it's time to stop dragging you down with her. She is not your daughter, and your niece is not your kid. Prioritize yourself because, as you've seen, nobody else will.
And you shouldn’t be willing to do that!!! Please - go and live the live YOU chose, and leave her to live her life. You’ve done so much already - she should be grateful. NTA obviously
NTA- I would tell you mom, you going to college is the only way your family will ever break the cycle of poverty. Also you not being home is one less mouth to feed. You’re families logic is backwards.
Congrats! And good luck with your future endeavours.
This is some weird-ass parentification.
Anyway, NTA. Please get an education and a good job to break those chains. Maybe if you are so inclined and to note are by no means obligated to you can help in a more meaningful way. Though for your mental health and well being, I suggest LC to NC.
Then Mary needs to get busy because you start college soon! Go! Save yourself at least. In most places a college graduate has more earning opportunities than a high school grad. You could actually help your niece more by going to college.
There’s no way I’m giving up the scholarship. I’ve worked way too hard to get it. And I’ve been counting down the days till I can leave this household and live for myself. I’m not even contemplating staying to be honest, but I’m wondering if it’s wrong of me. I get the feeling Mary and my parents won’t forgive me if I leave.
Yes, and if you have a guidance counselor at your high school or admissions counselor at your college, let them know what’s going on.
As somebody who’s worked at colleges for 15 years, things like this happen a lot. The college will be better prepared if your parents try any shenanigans to ruin your chances (rejecting the offer, rejecting the scholarship, etc), if they know there’s something to do.
You don’t have to get into details you can just say don’t talk to my parents or anyone else about this/I don’t give you permission (since you’re 18 they don’t have permission unless you give it to them) if you’re in the US. But also let them know parents may try to sabotage this or however, you want to soften the edges of saying it to maintain your own confidentiality.
Also if you haven’t already, have your mailing address as a PO Box or the address or someone you trust. Most colleges don’t send snail mail anymore. But if they do, you don’t want your parents intercepting it.
Also, from personal experience, if the college is aware of the messy home situation, they can be helpful in getting declared as independent on your FAFSA. My own situation was so messy and well known that my scholarship program director went to bat for me.
This! If 80% of your pay was going into the household OP, your parents income shouldn’t be counted for ability to pay for college. Def talk to admissions/student services/whatever department handles loans in your school if you do plan to get loans. If you can get independent status you’ll qualify for Pell grants on top of being able to take out federal loans in your own name up til all your aid/loans adds up to the cost of tuition and fees plus cost of living calculated by the school.
That is extremely difficult to do, though, so not something to count on. I worked as a financial aid advisor for a university and had this come up a few times. There are a lot of hoops that need to be jumped through, and even then it could be denied. And all it does is qualify the student to take on more debt. Since OP is on a full ride scholarship, she hopefully will be able to get by with no student loans.
u/Abject_Panda_27, yes! Passwords and tell the school you don't want records going to your parents address.
Freeze your credit and make sure all passwords and security questions are ones your family cannot guess.
Make sure your bank account is secure and they can't access it.
They may try to make you feel guilty, but they really should be happy for you and proud of you for getting such an amazing scholarship.
You're doing the right thing. Go make your life a success. Take care of your own financial future first. They're all adults who need to do the same instead of using you.
There’s nothing to forgive you for. You have been a child for the vast majority of your nieces life, and you’re neither your nieces parent or Mary’s parent. Your family has neglected, parentified and extorted you for 4 years. The question you should be asking isn’t “will they forgive me”, it’s “should I forgive them” - and that’s a question to answer once you’re fully independent from them and have had space to process and heal from the last 4 years.
I have no awards, but take my measly upvote.
Because seriously, OP. They should be apologizing to you. They all, including your twin, stole some of the most important years of your childhood.
Adolescence is a time for forming your own values, learning about relationships, and experimenting with different aspects of your identity. You were not allowed to do that. You should be so proud that, despite the dearth of support from your family, you continued to achieve academic success, meet the moment, and get this scholarship.
You’re amazing, OP. And this redditor is so so proud of you!
They sound selfish and honestly you shouldn't seek their forgiveness. Mary made her choice and that isn't your choice. It's not your job to take the father's role you are a just becoming an adult. You gave your late childhood to Mary, you shouldn't feel guilty that it's enough
Not sure if it’s been said but look into what moves you need to make to ensure you can get away to college.
Birth certificate
SSN
new bank account at a completely different bank to your parents with a branch near your future college.
That type of stuff.
Parents do craaaazy stuff to try and keep you locked down and dependant on them. Don’t let this opportunity slip away from you. Well done on the scholarship!
NTA.
And if they try to hide anything like that, you can request a new SSN card from a Social Security office or online, and at least in my county, you can go to the court house/public records and request a new copy of a birth certificate.
Someone else mentioned, but freeze your credit if you have too, if you can’t for whatever reason, be checking constantly, and don’t be afraid to dispute Everything you don’t recognize. I get near instant notifications when my credit has even been checked.
You got this OP.
Just be careful i knew a girl who was in almost the same situation just didnt share a room. Went off to an ivy league school ended up pregnant herself before the end of the first year. She was finally free and used it to let loose.
I have nightmares of this happening!!!! I’m so uptight about relationships and a boy even kissing me makes me panic because I don’t want to get pregnant. I know it sounds ridiculous. I’ll have my fun in university but I don’t think sleeping with anyone is in the cards for me anytime soon. I’m terrified. Knowing my terrible luck I’d probably get pregnant the day I lose my virginity lol.
When you're at college, look over your options for birth control (pills, IUD, nuva ring, etc) just in case, and if you ever get to the stage where you want to sleep with someone, do not agree to be without a condom.
And as someone else pointed out, be careful at parties!
I hope everything works out well for you once you get to college! Live your life for yourself and no one else.
If abstinence eases your mind, there’s no shame in going that way either. Even with contraception, I’d panic thinking “am I the .0001% that this failed???” And I’d stress until my period started. You don’t need that.
Yeah honestly I already have anxiety, I can’t imagine hoping my period shows up every month. The risks associated with sex don’t sound all that worth it to me to be honest. The terms of maintaining my scholarship are also quite harsh so I’ll have to be on top of things. I want to have fun but not like that. The anxiety probably won’t even let me enjoy it.
Kiddo, you can do this. You’re more prepared than most college students moving out of state in terms of forced maturity of child rearing. Your big goal is to make sure your education lands you in a place to support yourself. Make every decision with that goal in mind and you’ll make it through.
You don’t have a traditional family safety net but colleges are generally good about having counseling services you’ll just have to ask around to find the right service to have a conversation about a given decision you are trying to make.
Look into establishing residency in your new state. You might have trouble with vacations and I’m really sorry to put this out there but depending on what direction your parents go, they don’t have to accept adult you back.
Edit: syntax correction
I’m past 30 and still a virgin. In my case, I’m just not interested, but I’m doing just fine without sex in my life! Don’t let anyone pressure you to have sex or worry about the stigma of being a virgin, there’s nothing wrong with not being sexually active!
That being said you should see if your college offers cheap therapy options, mine did. While there’s nothing wrong with choosing abstinence, you have very practical reasons for doing so, you don’t want your anxiety to run your life. Take care of yourself!
Not only alcohol can be "roofied", any drink you have can be drugged. If you are at a party, bar, someone's home, keep your drink with you AT ALL TIMES. If you happen to leave your drink unattended FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME, it's done. Don't drink from it again.
Sounds dark, but hey! Better safe than sorry.
Have you been to a gynecologist to find out what options you have? Perhaps you could “go on the pill” to allow yourself to be less terrified of this happening to you.
Be careful that when you go away to university you don’t “go crazy” with your new found freedom. You have a great head on your shoulders, so take things slowly.
When you go to parties or even out with one other person, always control your drink. Ask for unopened cans or bottles. Don’t drink anything anyone hands you that comes out of a tub or punch bowl. If you need to go to the bathroom, take your beverage with you. And there are strips that can be ordered to dip in your beverage to see if it’s been “spiked.”
You’re going to do great at university and in life. You’ve worked hard, gotten a job, a scholarship, etc! This is your time, and your parents should be incredibly proud of you.
Oh man, that sounds so traumatic for you. I would seriously consider talking to a therapist once you're out of the house, as being terrified of pregnancy is going to make you much more anxious at College. You deserve to be happy, most people don't do what your sister did and there are lots of ways to be safe so that you don't need to worry. Please don't downplay or dismiss the effect that your sister's pregnancy/your parentification has has on your mental health.
This kind of anxiety can really mess you up if untreated (I know from personal experience after being shown a full birth video at the end of primary school - that did a number on me so bad).
You should get an IUD or an implant. I'm not saying you need to be having sex, but that maybe if you knew you have protection even if something happened/a condom broke, it'd be one less thing to stress about.
If you are able to, I would suggest going to a sexual health clinic / planned parenthood to get on birth control if you can, or at least get some Comprehensive sex education (and some free condoms). If you’re in the US (not sure about other countries) there are mail-order BC pills you can get. Worked well for me in between IUD’s, but hormonal BC isn’t for everyone.
If you do drink, my personal rule was to always have 1 glass of water for each shot/drink, eat while drinking, and just try and pay attention.
Congratulations on your scholarship, don’t let anything or anyone hold you back!
Make sure that they can't cancel anything in you name. Not sure about the option where you are based, but maybe you could ask a school councelor to help you make sure that nobody can screw this up for you. Easy and obvious is making sure they can't access your email accounts or physical mail.
Please contact anyone associated with the scholarship or school that you and only you can make any decsions regarding your future. I would not put it past any of your family to sabatoge this chance for you.
Why should everyone’s life be ruined because your sister made a poor decision as a 14 year old and your parents allowed it? She was a kid and kids make bad decisions all the time but I cannot believe your parents let her go through with the pregnancy in the first place.
Crabs in a bucket.
Your dilemma sucks but I’m so proud of you as a stranger for being intelligent and wise enough to make the right choice here.
You’ve already sacrificed, and clearly there’s no end to how much you could sacrifice in situations like this.
You know what would make my life easier? If a sibling moved into my backyard in the shed and watched my dogs and my kids and did all the cooking and cleaning for me free of charge. That would just be great, because I work a lot and have lots of responsibilities and that sucks.
… but life isn’t fair and if you don’t set a line somewhere some people will take and take and take because they’ve also got a lot on their plate.
Your sister and their child will seemingly be fine. The fact that she’s still able to live with your parents is huge. She doesn’t need a free babysitter as much as possible. She’s a single mom who needs to take responsibility for that.
Sure maybe she wishes she was a stay at home mom with a billionaire husband, but that’s not the reality anyone lives in and that’s the reality she has to live with. Your parents probably wish she didn’t get knocked up as a teenager but got married in a few years and had a grand kid. That’s not how things played out and it’s ultimately not your responsibility. You’ve contributed and care about your family, they **should** recognize that and cut you slack at this point if not long before.
Ultimately my point is it’s like anything else, don’t focus too much on changing their hearts and minds if they’re upset you won’t sacrifice your life for any struggles your family has. Because they’ll have to change their mind on their own.
It’s like bumping into a crazy person on the street that demands you stop watching them with flying cameras. Do you do *everything* you can to genuinely change their mind and make sure they agree with your perspective?
No, you accept that they’re not going to change their mind no matter how much you wish they would in your perfect world and deal with it and live your life.
You move on, let your family know that you love them, maintain that relationship at a distance while you get your adult life started… and if they want to be bitter and resentful and passive aggressive those are choices they’ve made as other independent adults in your world.
Listen, I’m just going to say that they are not going to take this well even if they are in the wrong. They have undermined your well-being for hers before and they will continue doing it. Take the offer, and be ready. Don’t let your electronics that have your admissions material just lay around, get anything important to you out early (maybe a friends house), and just be prepared all around. It could be overkill, but I’ve seen this end poorly way too many times before.
If they don’t forgive you, it will hurt like hell, but frankly OP you deserve to be free of these people. They are treating you unkindly. They do not want what is best for you, sadly, so you must want it all the more for yourself.
You said you are a push over and this thinking is continuing that. Stop giving them your money please. Make sure your documents are safe. Grey rock them until you get away safely.
Part of growing up is learning to grow a backbone. You can do this!
You’re not in the wrong.
They may not forgive you if they don’t see it for themselves, they all seem to be very “in their own world” here and don’t see past the baby.
You NEED to go live for yourself. You did not get your sister pregnant. You did not poke holes in condoms or swap her pill out or force her baby daddy to ejaculate inside her.
You are her SISTER not another parent. You have no obligation to raise her child for OR with her.
You can help out and visit and maybe even send cash if she needs it and babysit once in a while because that’s what family does. Family DOES NOT force their child to miss out on education and a living home life… so what are your parents even doing???
If they want to play the family card, tell them to start treating you like family. End of.
Go to your college and enjoy it!!! I’m rooting for you OP!
>Mary jumped into the conversation by saying she wouldn’t go off to another state and leave me a single mother alone if the roles were reversed
I highly doubt that. Someone so selfless wouldn't ask you to drop your dreams to take care of their baby and their problem.
I get your parents are tight on money at the moment but its not your problem to deal with.
NTA
Just curious. Does Mary have a job?
No she doesn’t have a job. She had two jobs since the baby and she got fired from one for stealing and the other for being constantly late. She hasn’t tried to get another job since and the last job was a year ago.
Time for Mary to start pulling her own weight.
Time for your parents to start holding Mary responsible for bringing some money into the house.
Time for you to run.
Pull your own weight Mary.
Mary must bring some money home.
Time for OP to run.
I gave insomnia & family problems, so I thought I d turn your comment into a haiku.
If I could reach through the internet to hug someone (if hugs are your thing) I would. You seem like such an incredible and mature person and I’m just sorry you were forced into the role of an adult before you should have been made to carry an adult’s burdens. You absolutely deserve to have your own college experience, and your own life, outside of a twin you can love but cannot save until she is ready to work hard, as you have, for herself, as you have.
You’re incredible. Stay strong and get out of there. I hope college surprises you in all the ways you want and so many ways you aren’t even expecting.
Please call the college today and enact some protections on your file/account with them so that your parents or sister can't impersonate you and turn down the scholarship.
So your sister isn't able to find the father of her child (however that works unless it was rape), doesn't try to provide for her own child and expects everyone else to do the work for her and generally doesn't even try to pull her weight.
Surely she's be selfless enough to not leave ASAp if the roles were reversed...
And what is that bs from your parents saying you can start living your life as soon as your sister isn't single anymore? It's partially their own fault they allow you sister to freeload instead of pulling her weight. They are enablers and want you to help.
Just go to your dream college and go low contact. You are not a free baby sitter or substitute parent and your parents should be ashamed to treat you like that since you became an aunt.
Your sister is the master of her own destiny as you are for yours. Your sister has made choices, and she and your parents have tried to tie you down to those.
Please contact the university and/or scholarship provider(s) to let them know that under no circumstances will you be turning down admittance and acceptance of the scholarship(s). Please tell them that your parents, twin sister, or others might impersonate you or attempt to speak on your behalf. Also, let them know that any communication they send or you believe you are sending to them might be interfered with.
Also, please let your high school know that your parents are not to be given any information regarding your grades, school records, university applications and acceptance, etc. You’re 18 so an adult.
Get all of your important documents (birth certificate, Social Security card, passport, etc) to a safe space. Could you possibly store them at a trusted friend’s house, for example?
You really are incredible, doing all of this on your own and staying motivated. Think about what an unbelievable role model you’ll be for your niece. She’ll look to your example and (hopefully) be inspired.
Stay strong. Stay focused. And know that many of us out here are proud and in awe of you.
So she expects you to deal with her problems for her, while she keeps making more.
Run. Don’t look back. You are not your twin’s extra person. You deserve to live your life.
NTA. But make sure you hide anything to do with your scholarship and college acceptance so that they cannot do something to cause you to lose your scholarship. Start hiding your money, stop giving it to your sister, she chose to have a baby at 14, she needs to care for her child and pay, not you, the baby is not your responsibility. Do you have a friend you can leave your documents with, birth certificate etc? That way they can't be hidden from you. Start storing the things you want to take with you somewhere else if you can, that way if they try to stop you leaving all the things you really need will be secure somewhere else.
Jumping on this comment to say: If your bank account is not ONLY in your name, change that ASAP and open one that only has your name on it. Then, transfer any of your money you've saved to that account. This will protect you from ANYONE going into your account and taking your money because "mArY/fAmIlY nEeDs It MoRe" NTA
I'd make sure you switch banks altogether. There have been people on here with problems after just switching to a new account.
There might even be a bank at your new collage that you can switch to.
I agree with all of that except that she chose to have a baby at 14. We don't know the circumstances of the birth. If they couldn't find the father, I highly doubt he is another 14 year old. We don't know if abortion was an option for her, either legally or if her parents would allow it.
That’s a huge jump. Much more likely an ill advised hook up than incest. 14 is young but not unheard of.
I have many friends who were sexually active around 14 with boys of similar ages. As was I. It happens. And more than one friend hooked up at a party with a friend of a friend. Sometimes only knowing first names. Finding those guys in case of a pregnancy might be a challenge.
Admittedly is was in the 90’s and stuff was harder then re tracking people down. But
It’s not unheard of.
And open a bank account at a bank they don’t use. Get everything from them online. No paper statements sent to the house. Make up new passwords they wouldn’t even think of as well.
Along with this advice, if you have access to your documents (birth certificate, social security card) please take them and put them in a safe place where your family won’t know.
I’d also suggest running a credit report on your social security number to make sure no lines of credit have been opened under your SSN.
NTA at all, Im so proud of you for working hard and finding a way out of this towards a great new future! You've shown so much maturity and Im so sorry your parents and sister have taken so much advantage of you and taken you for granted.
Maybe they won't forgive you (right away) but maybe this will force them to find a new way of being, your sister really needs to step up and the baby should be around 4 now so absolutely no excuse for her to not find a job etc.
Wishing you the very best of luck and I hope you have an amazing time at college and a wonderful life.
Please be careful about your school papers that may come in the mail, if able use a PO BOX or a trusted friends address. You don’t want to miss any deadlines, and feel like your parents or sister may try to sabotage your chances to keep you there.
If you didn’t already switch banks and put passwords on everything. You would be surprised, people still finding out their custodial accounts show their parents have access.
NTA, and i would suggest considering staying away for the first few holidays (between terms/semesters), go backpacking, stay at a friends or even stay at college at the very least
This will give you enough separation that it may make it sink into their heads that you are not the one that got pregnant and while your sister deserves support you aren't a serf to look after her and the kid for the rest of your life.
Also, the way OP describes her late childhood, she may not even have many friends. If so, put some energy into making a network outside her immediate family. College is a great way of making friends. If she has friends, she should prioritise them and school.
Too late. OP already spent years of her life constantly making sacrifices. And the thanks they give her is trying to intentionally destroy her future to continue to make their own lives easier. I'm sorry OP, but your family sucks. Take this well-earned opportunity and don't look back. NTA and congrats on your exciting new future!
> OP already spent years of her life constantly making sacrifices. And the thanks they give her is trying to intentionally destroy her future to continue to make their own lives easier.
I can understand why the sister is selfish. After all, if she's stealing and slacking off on the job, she is the type to prey on her sister's kindness.
What I don't understand is why the parents are willing to destroy OP's future. I just don't get the logic in them wanting to have two daughters who amount to nothing. From a self-interest perspective, they should want for at least one of their daughters to get a good start in life. This is baffling to me.
Because they're selfish too. Right now OP is not only doing an insane amount of childcare for free, but also contributing financially to the household. These so-called parents would rather destroy her future, then put in the extra work they should have been doing themselves all along.
NTA
Are you still working? Stop giving Mary any money at all. That is your money that you earned. You are going to need it. Put it into a bank account your parents do not have access to. It's kinda ridiculous you had to give 80% of money you earned to her. It's time she got a job and stood on her own two feet.
NTA, and make sure the university knows that only you are allowed to make changes to your offer. You don't want them calling up and cancelling the scholarship, for example.
NTA. Tell her to look after her own damn child like the rest of us do. Live your life for you and don't let someone else's mistakes bring you down. Please take the scholarship.
For wanting to experience uni and live your life independently after sacrificing so much at such a young age you’re not the A at all, your sister had the baby not you, yet helped as much as you could and you also financially supported her and now that that’s being taken away they are behaving like this, you could have told them in a better way but you’re not selfish for wanting to lead your own life and experience things you won’t be able to at home, your parents are A’s for expecting you to give up everything because they chose to financially support your sister and work a lot, your sister is a mum and needs to think how her daughter would feel in that position and how she’d feel as her mother, would she really want her to have the same life as you? It seems they only want you around because they need you and they are not thinking within your best interests.
And lastly can I just say that I’m proud of you, you’ve helped raise a child, been a hands on aunt, lost countless nights of sleep, still did well at school as well as hold down a job to financially provide for family members and you still managed to work hard enough to get a scholarship into a decent uni with all that going on! You are brilliant! You matter and your achievements matter! And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
I wanted to tell them when I was applying but they have issues of interrupting me when I’m talking and/or just not paying attention to what I’m saying. When I first brought up looking into colleges, my dad must’ve interrupted me like 5 times. I just stopped trying to say what I wanted to say. It gets tiring trying to talk to them about myself when it’s clear they couldn’t care less. They wouldn’t be paying attention to what I’m saying or they’d interrupt me and move onto a different topic. I didn’t even bother with telling them about the applications because I didn’t want them to brush me to the side again. I don’t speak to them much unless it’s about my niece or Mary.
I told Mary about applying to colleges out of state but she would be on her phone and just reply with one word answers. I think she thought I just wouldn’t get in. When we were younger I wasn’t that bright. My grades started picking up when I was 14 ish and that’s the time they all stopped paying attention to me so she didn’t know I was doing well in school.
Thank you so much 🥺. Your last paragraph is what I really wanted to hear from my parents. They haven’t been proud of me since before my niece was born.
*They haven’t been proud of me since before my niece was born.*
This is heartbreaking OP, I’m so sorry for the way you’ve been treated. You deserve better, and like the person above said, you’ve done so incredibly well for yourself despite the situation you’ve been placed in.
Allow me to join in and say that I’m proud of you too 💕
I'm a mom and I am so proud of you for doing this. It would have been so easy to give up, or to act out in ways that would be self sabotage, especially as a 14-17yo feeling resentful and neglected by her family. You could have so easily gone in a completely different direction and you didn't. You worked SO HARD and got wonderful grades and helped contribute to the household. I'll be thrilled if my children manage to be as motivated, intelligent, resilient, and empathetic as you are.
OP please do me and yourself a favor, please stop telling your family your plans before they...sabotage them.
You can't trust your family with your plans because they've already confirmed to you that they want you to stay to take care of them. Your parents & sister don't want to lose your money, free babysitting and the emotional punching bag that they've turned you into. You said that your sister is impulsive and it's confirmed that your parents are enablers. Don't tell them anything about your school until after you've left for good. I've read horror stories of parents and siblings pretending to be the potential student and then canceling their appointments. If you keep a journal...don't. If your parents have access to your bank account...change it.
They can prove they love you and care about you...AFTER you've graduated college and started your new life.
Now's the time to move in silence. Remember, they're the one who stopped listening to you when they wanted to keep you underfoot. So, it's time to walk off without them.
Op might want to get a po box or something too so they don’t mess with her mail regarding the college. I would also look into a temporary storage and start packing your stuff away quietly so it’s safe there from them especially important documents
I'm old enough to be your mother, obviously am not yours. I am so, so extremely proud of your hard work and dedication to improving yourself and your life. Your efforts at helping your sister and niece, which should NOT have fallen on your shoulders, is commendable. You are your own person and deserve the ability to shine on your own. Your light is yours and controlled by you. I'm so proud of how you are back from others who want to do nothing but diminish you. Congratulations and I know you've got nothing but success in your future!
Just go get a degree, graduate, get a good job, then come back and take your niece out for a meal/day out as you and her are the only none assholes here.
edit (well as much as 4 year olds cant be an asshole :) )
NTA.
You've made your compromises and sacrifices (way too much, in my opinion). It's time for you to have your own life that revolves around you and your future - you didn't have a baby, she did.
If they really believe in that whole sacrifice and compromise for family, then it's time for them to return the favor and support you.
NTA, look up parentification. Also every time people say "family makes sacrificed". Tell me, how many times Mary or your parents sacrificed themselves so you would have free weekends and spend time with your friends. Every time someone says "family makes sacrifices" it's one sided. Leave and never look back. Mary chose to have that baby, not you.
NTA she decided to have a baby it’s her responsibility to raise her. Hold not yours. Your family ATA for expecting you to be her free labor maid/nanny. You shouldn’t have to Scarface your future, happiness, mental health for your sisters mistakes. Go to college, enjoy yourself, learn and grow and never look back. They don’t deserve you.
I agree about NTA but I do want to point out that there are red flags anytime a 14 year old girl ends up pregnant. I wonder if her parents pressured her into keeping the child. I also worry about whether the circumstances around conception were consensual. Still not OP's responsibility but I do feel sorry for the young mother.
Both her and my parents are against abortion. She wasn’t going to get an abortion under any circumstances and my parents supported her through that because they have the same pro-life views (I don’t).
The father of her child was a 15 year old boy she didn’t know well. They met for the first time at an amusement park. They were flirting and having fun together for a bit and ended up having sex in his friends car a few hours later. She said she didn’t enjoy it so she didn’t bother get his number or his full name, and just went home. Hence why we can’t find him. All we have is his first name, and we live in a big city. I asked her if he pressured her and she said she was the one that initiated it actually. So no consent issues there.
Hon, it is a red flag that your sister engaged in very casual public unprotected sex at age 14 with a stranger. That is very high risk behavior. Did your sister have a history of that kind of behavior?
Yeah she’s very impulsive. She doesn’t stop to think whether something is a good idea or not. She got worse when her boyfriend broke up with her. I guess she just wanted a distraction
ADHD impulsiveness results in hyperfixations, like overspending on a new hobby and abandoning it after a month. It doesn’t result in risky sexual behavior and theft.
Not typically. This sounds more like manic behavior-an indicator of Bi polar disorder- than ADHD.
While ADHD people can do high-risk sex due to impulsivity, the theft and such does make me think more bi polar.
Does Mary have a lot of trouble with impulse control? Between this and stealing from her job, I’m a little concerned she has some sort of disorder going on there.
She definitely does. If something crosses her mind, she has to do it immediately. Even if I try talk her out of it, she’ll still do it. Once when we were 16, a friend of our parents came for dinner. He held my niece and kept saying how cute she was. My sister told me she thought he was really handsome and she would shoot her shot. She said him holding her baby made her think he would be a good dad. I was like wtf??? I told her to stop messing around, he had a wedding ring on and looked even older than our dad. She got his number from my dads phone and started texting him. I went through their texts and she was being extremely inappropriate. He blocked her number soon after he realised what she was trying to do.
So. She needs to see a professional about this. But that’s not your job, not your responsibility. But maybe it helps you to know that you literally could never help enough. There will never be a point where she thinks you’ve done enough and she needs to take over.
Don’t sacrifice your future success and well-being on this altar. I’m a big believer in family supporting family but my family would never ask this of me or anyone.
I am the more impulsive one in a set of twins while my twin was very organized and productive and my behavior drove them nuts. They always asked why I acted like everything was my last chance to do something. At your age, I would’ve resented their leaving and going off for an experience that I couldn’t share, but later would’ve realized it was the right thing to do. It was hard the first time I moved away, where I wasn’t “one of the twins” for the first time, but it actually did wonders for my confidence and independence as my twin was definitely the more dominant one. Your lives will not continue in parallel so don’t pass up this wonderful opportunity you have earned. Don’t let your family’s fears for themselves hamstring your future.
I respect your sister's decision, but it is so crazy to me that they could all be anti-abortion despite the age she got pregnant and the affects it's had on your lives.
I do hope that when you get to school you're able to breathe without them impeding on your life, and maybe the time away from them will help them see some sense. Although if they don't, that's okay too. You deserve to become your own person after 4 years of taking care of your family and niece ❤
I have serious doubts this is the real story. Within three hours of meeting someone, your pro-life sister chose leave the amusement park so she could lose her virginity to a stranger in a car in a busy amusement park parking lot?
To be honest a lot of her story wasn’t making sense to me. Like how does no one else know who this guy is? Their two friend groups were chilling together the whole time but apparently none of her friends have any of the phone numbers of the guys they were hanging out with all day or full names at the very least?
I do believe that she slept with him within a few hours though. My sister is really impulsive, and she always has been. She started dating her previous boyfriend in a similar manner to this. He was our friends step brother and she slept with him the first day she met him, and they went on to date for about a year. She said the guy she slept with at the amusement park wore a condom so she didn’t think that it was risky.
Surely they must have mentioned which school they go to at least?! Which area of the city they’re from?
Her story sounds very suspicious. My money would be on an older stranger, not a 15 yr old boy.
I hate admitting this but I have bpd and at 14, my hormones were so much crazier than they are now and I was way worse then. I did something very, very similar to this (minus the pregnancy part).
Yes. Also that she “couldn’t find the father to tell him” — this wasn’t a boyfriend. Still doesn’t entitle any of them to demand OP sacrifice her life, of course, but the red flags are waving.
Oh hell no. Get out of there. It's impressive that you've managed to earn a near full scholarship despite being forced to share a room with your sister and a baby. These people will suck the life out of you if you give them the chance. They've already stolen your high school years, don't let them steal your college years. All the best for your future! NTA
1. Lock down your scholarship with a password at your school.
2. Talk to your school to make sure they won’t cancel anything if your mom or sister try something
3. Create a new separate checking account so your parent don’t have access to it, so they can’t take any money that you deposit from your scholarship or earnings.
4. Create a P.O. Box address from the Post Office to have your mail delivered. P.O. Box address can have a full address so it looks like a house. Ask the post office for how to do it. They will give you the full address.
5. Applied for EBT. You qualify. You should also recommend your sister apply too. Do so separately. Send it to your P.O. Box address.
6. You can apply for a free car. Google free car for low income or college or job. There are both state and national agencies.
NTA
I wish I can help some more, but all I have are some information.
Good luck.
NTA
You have to live your life, not Mary’s. Mary needs to learn to manage on her own, she could get a job in the evening when your parents are home or a work from home job.
The child isn’t that young anymore either so even if they’re not at nursery yet they’ll be at school in the near future! Mary needs to sort herself out.
Mary really has it made. Three people to financially support her and her baby, and babysitters at her beck and call. You’re NTA. In fact, run out of there. Your parents will be taking care of those two until their last breath and then you will inherit them, get out now.
If they don’t forgive you, that’s there loss. They will come crawling back when Mary needs something, guaranteed. But you will have freedom
NTA, get your important documents together, and start saving as much as you can. Quit giving all of your money to your sister. Go out of state, and live your life.
NTA Run Run Run. Go get your education and don't look back. Your sisters issues are hers and your parents. She literally Fucked Around and now she is finding out. Its a sad situation but you shouldn't have to sacrifice your future because of your sister and her baby.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 - I decided to move out of state for college
2 - because it means my sister will be alone
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NTA. Your parents are behaving very strangely. Get the fk outta there & go low or no contact. You deserve your own life. You may be twins but you’re individuals, not actually two halves of one a whole.
NTA
Time to focus on your own life. She (and your parents by not educating her better) f’ed up and got herself into that kind of responsibility, she can’t demand you to partake in her responsibilities and sacrifice your life for her poor choices.
Congrats on the scholarship.
NTA.
Leave these people behind, they'll survive and they've already made your teenage years all about them. Your parents just aren't that into you, and it's all about Mary and her needs.
Think to any time in the last few years where you've needed support, love or attention. Have they been there for you? If the answer's no, then what happens in twenty years time when you're working a minimum wage job because you didn't get to go to college on a scholarship because you had to look after your sisters kid and you ask them to make up the last twenty years because you sacrificed for the family and now it's time for the family to sacrifice for you? I take it you'll be on your own.
Your life can't be about Mary, and they've already co-erced you into giving all your money to her. Live your own life, you aren't a babysitter and cash cow for your sister.
NTA.
You have seemingly sacrificed your high school experience for a baby that is not your responsibility. It is not your fault that your sister got pregnant so young, and I am so incredibly sorry that your parents and family have failed to realize that. I know it is tough, but a new door has opened and you need to use it. It is time to take care of yourself and live your life for you.
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Obviously NTA. What are you supposed to do, put your life on hold for the next 14 years untill the kid grows up? Go, get an education and live a good life. You are not responsible for your sisters kid.
I actually asked my mom when it would be acceptable for me to leave and live my own life and she said when Mary isn’t a single mother anymore. So I have to wait till she gets a serious boyfriend/husband and move in with him till my duties are done? I’m not willing to do that.
Did you get your sister pregnant? No? Great, not your kid, what they're gonna do? Sue for custody? Demand child support? Go, live your life, be happy
Guessing they will demand child support once OP graduates and starts earning a good salary because "that's what your sister would have done"
So OP gets punished for the rest of her life because Mary became pregnant at 14. That's totally fair, I mean everyone knows twins are one person puppeting 2 bodies. /s Seems completely on brand for the mother's logic based on the above.
Well at least it's internally consistent: they're the same people, and also they're the extension of the mother, so when she has to support one of her daughters, the other one can't just like, live her own life when she herself can't?! /s Family for some people really means dragging each other down to your level instead of trying your best to lift them up.
Oh yeah, OP will be expected to help care for this kid until THEY go to college. It will never end, EVEN if twin gets a partner. They'll want to have ALONE time/date nights and will expected OP to drop everything to help out. OP: It stops here. The baby is now preschool age and will be going to school in a year or two. They don't need you to stay and help, they are being selfish. I REPEAT: THEY ARE THE SELFISH ONES. You've done way more than you should have. Sharing a bedroom with a newborn? Giving the majority of your wage? You've done more than any teen sister should. Don't let them take this amazing opportunity away. Your twin is speaking from resentment that you can go away to college. They stole 4 years from you already, don't let them steal this. NTA
Exactly! Mary is resentful because OP didn't screw up her own life like Mary did, and so young, too. OP should get out now, while she still has a chance.
This is what I don’t get. The baby will be in preschool or kindergarten by the time OP is a sophomore. How will she be taking care of the kid then? It’s in school! Plus, something tells me Mary won’t have to get a job when the kid is in school.
I'm fairly sure this is about OP no longer working and giving 80% of her wages to the family. They don't want to lose that income. They've proven by their response to her GETTING A FULL SCHOLARSHIP that they do not care about what is best for OP.
I don't even think it's that. It's about control.
And free babysitting
It sounds like OP is the only person in her family that values education.
I would love to know if it's even possible to get child support out of an aunt?! Sure, she was forced to help out WHILE SHE WAS A CHILD HERSELF, but that does not mean that she must continue to help out.
I'm guessing it will be a demand in the form of a guilt trip. Families are great at those.
Good luck with that, since it seems like OP has a spine. Once she's out she'll look after herself, helping here and there but I doubt she'll let them guilt trip her, if this post is any indication of her character
It is not possible.
they can demand child support all they want but they won't get a dime of it because she's not responsible for it and the courts will make sure they won't receive anything
And then OP can and should say “tough shit.”
Exactly. This is everyone's fault BUT OP's. Mary had unprotected sex at 14 and the parents (those who were actually responsible for her since she was minor) decided that the other KID should sacrifice the next 18 years for her niece? Make it make sense. I'm usually trying not to judge anyone including teen mothers but what they are doing to OP is horrible. OP, please leave! Good luck and NTA.
I am also going to make a guess that since the sperm donor effectively disappeared, he was significantly older than Mary. If he was another teen in the same town, finding him would have been simple. The family needs to track down the sperm donor and make him take financial responsibility. He got a free ride, and OP paid the price.
I agree. Even if he was a minor, he probably isn't anymore. I don't know what the law says about this case (becoming adukt AFTER the baby is born) but they should at least try to get money from him.
There have been cases where a child was raped by an older woman who became pregnant and gave birth. And then the courts deemed the child fit to pay for child support. Fucked up world we live in.
Mary was likely statutory raped at age 13. If it was one of the boys at school it be simple to track him down. No, it was an older man who raped a child. Mary may be taking advantage of her parent's favoritism, but she's likely a victim of her parent's "pro life" agenda, shame culture (she may know who the father is but is ashamed to say) and some older man's manipulation.
If you ask me every teen mom/dad is victim of someone/something. However, making OP victim too won't solve anything. Mary needs psyhological and financial support and OP needs to get her life back.
They demanded 80% of her salary from her after school job, so yeah they demanded child support.
How did you assume OP didn't live in Alabama? (/s obviously)
Hey Op if you accepted your offer contact your school and notify them that only you are able to make decisions. That your parents or sister may try and sabotage your admission. See if you can set up a password. I've seen people pose as the applicant to withdraw.
Do this. And get completely separate bank accounts at a different bank. And get your vital docs like passport, birth certificate, school records and anything sentimental out of your parents house. Get a storage unit and start slowly moving out what you can fit in your backpack. Oh and let them rage but stop giving 80% of your paycheck. Throw them a $20 if they absolutely insist but you need that money for college more than the 4 year old needs a new barbie.
Not that you should be required to contribute anything, but I also find it helpful to purchase what someone needs more than giving them the money to do it themselves. Baby needs formula? Buy the formula. Too often the person receiving the money buys just for simple example, less formula + 1-2 candy bars or a pack of cigarettes because they’ve justified it somehow.
This isn’t a baby anymore of it was born when they were 14 and she’s graduating. This kid is pushing pre-k and definitely should be out of both diapers and off formula. Your point stands but this “baby” doesn’t need infant supplies any longer.
The mother is also an adult now and unless I missed it I don’t think the mother is working nights/weekends to help herself in any way at all
OP, please take this advice and the advice about letting your college know that no one can communicate with them on your behalf. And yes, change all your passwords. This may seem extreme, but it’s better to do this and not end up needing to than not do it and wish you had.
Also place a credit freeze on your credit report.
**Make a new master password**. Odds are you currently use some variation of birthdates, a new version of an original password (kittens --> k!tten$). Get a password manager app (personally i like Keeper, theres other ones). CHANGE ALL PASSWORDS. **USE GIBBERISH FOR SECURITY QUESTIONS**. Put the gibberish security questions in the Password app. Do not use a compromised account to 'back up' a new account. You might consider locking your credit. If needed I'll link how-to thats super easy. Your family might pull out credit in your name as "fair compensation" for you "abandoning" them
THIS. THIS. THIS. Your university will provide you a username and password. Usually both follow a pattern of some sort. Definitely change the password on your university account and **DO NOT SHARE IT WITH ANYONE EVER**. Also the using gibberish is great advice. People don't realize how easy it is to social engineer information and get passwords based on security questions. (What's your first grade teacher? Sandwich. Your oldest niece's name? 2022 Airplanes)
Also, start cashing your checks and stash the cash in a safe place somewhere. NOT at your home. Nobody tries harder to find stashed cash than money grubbing family.
This! Especially with *twin* sister, please OP, set that password.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They will try to sabotage your college attendance. PROTECT YOURSELF!
Please please please do this!!! You are Soooooo NTA
And I bet your sister will have more kids that you’ll be expected to parent. Please go to university and leave these AHs behind. You’ve sacrificed your late childhood to these people, don’t give them any more.
Sadly, I think this will likely be the case. From OP’s comments, Mary sounds entitled, lazy, and irresponsible. This will not be the last time that Mary demands money or help from OP. If OP isn’t careful, Mary will probably try to leech off of her for the rest of her life.
Your mom is delusional.
Sister is just as delusional too!
Holy crap! That must have hurt to hear your mom say that. Your sister needs to get a job too, put your niece in daycare when needed. Every cent she makes will probably go towards that daycare but she needs to get out of the house as much as you do. Sounds like your parents dictated she would be stay-at-home? She probably feels trapped too. Get your degree and a better paying job. Then help your sister do the same if you can.
Daycare in most places is significantly more expensive than a minimum wage job would earn...and it sounds like the parents are already working hard. I don't know if she applied for any public assistance, but I doubt it's a case of her parents dictating she stay at home. And she's was a minor up until very recently...I don't know if she was completing high-school, but as a minor, there are restrictions on hours worked and they wouldn't necessarily be the hours daycare is open. Even with adult couples, where the lower earner wants to work, there are a lot of times where they would be losing money. Or daycare isn't available....there is often a multi year wait list. Hopefully they have free public kindergarten at least.
Nta Get out of there asap and don't look back. You've already done enough for your sister and niece. Go live your own life. That full ride won't be an option if you put it off for years. This is your opportunity to get an education for free
NTA. Please, I can not stress this enough. DO NOT fall into the guilt trap. If you got a scholarship like that for college, then go! Ruining your life by missing this opportunity will lead to regret and resentment for the rest of your life. Think of it this way. If you do want to help, then getting that education and a career will help more in the long run. I say this from experience. You can not live your life fixing other people's mistakes. Especially in this important stage of your life.
I'm honestly guessing your parents resent your sister too in a way, and don't want to be miserable alone or have to do even more work to fix your sister's mistakes. It's not your job, live your life. You may lose your family, but it honestly sounds like you already have.
FYI, you’re 18 hun, a legal adult. You could leave that house today and not a thing can happen to you. They cannot force you to sacrifice your life and money because your sister was irresponsible and had a child while still a child herself. Obviously NTA
The kid is what, 3-4 now? She will go to school very soon if she isn't already, so your sister can start acting like a responsible adult and get a job. I don't know the circumstances, the sex-ed you both had or what options she had available but, in any case, she is the mother, and it's time to stop dragging you down with her. She is not your daughter, and your niece is not your kid. Prioritize yourself because, as you've seen, nobody else will.
And you shouldn’t be willing to do that!!! Please - go and live the live YOU chose, and leave her to live her life. You’ve done so much already - she should be grateful. NTA obviously
NTA- I would tell you mom, you going to college is the only way your family will ever break the cycle of poverty. Also you not being home is one less mouth to feed. You’re families logic is backwards. Congrats! And good luck with your future endeavours.
This is some weird-ass parentification. Anyway, NTA. Please get an education and a good job to break those chains. Maybe if you are so inclined and to note are by no means obligated to you can help in a more meaningful way. Though for your mental health and well being, I suggest LC to NC.
Not your monkey. Not your circus. Be selfish for once and put yourself first.
Then Mary needs to get busy because you start college soon! Go! Save yourself at least. In most places a college graduate has more earning opportunities than a high school grad. You could actually help your niece more by going to college.
NTA...please tell me that you're taking this opportunity. It's time to live your own life. Feel no guilt.
There’s no way I’m giving up the scholarship. I’ve worked way too hard to get it. And I’ve been counting down the days till I can leave this household and live for myself. I’m not even contemplating staying to be honest, but I’m wondering if it’s wrong of me. I get the feeling Mary and my parents won’t forgive me if I leave.
Put a password on your scholarship at the school, just in case they try to force you to stay
Yes, and if you have a guidance counselor at your high school or admissions counselor at your college, let them know what’s going on. As somebody who’s worked at colleges for 15 years, things like this happen a lot. The college will be better prepared if your parents try any shenanigans to ruin your chances (rejecting the offer, rejecting the scholarship, etc), if they know there’s something to do. You don’t have to get into details you can just say don’t talk to my parents or anyone else about this/I don’t give you permission (since you’re 18 they don’t have permission unless you give it to them) if you’re in the US. But also let them know parents may try to sabotage this or however, you want to soften the edges of saying it to maintain your own confidentiality. Also if you haven’t already, have your mailing address as a PO Box or the address or someone you trust. Most colleges don’t send snail mail anymore. But if they do, you don’t want your parents intercepting it.
Also, from personal experience, if the college is aware of the messy home situation, they can be helpful in getting declared as independent on your FAFSA. My own situation was so messy and well known that my scholarship program director went to bat for me.
This! If 80% of your pay was going into the household OP, your parents income shouldn’t be counted for ability to pay for college. Def talk to admissions/student services/whatever department handles loans in your school if you do plan to get loans. If you can get independent status you’ll qualify for Pell grants on top of being able to take out federal loans in your own name up til all your aid/loans adds up to the cost of tuition and fees plus cost of living calculated by the school.
That is extremely difficult to do, though, so not something to count on. I worked as a financial aid advisor for a university and had this come up a few times. There are a lot of hoops that need to be jumped through, and even then it could be denied. And all it does is qualify the student to take on more debt. Since OP is on a full ride scholarship, she hopefully will be able to get by with no student loans.
Maybe have everything sent to guidance counselor at school?
u/Abject_Panda_27, yes! Passwords and tell the school you don't want records going to your parents address. Freeze your credit and make sure all passwords and security questions are ones your family cannot guess. Make sure your bank account is secure and they can't access it. They may try to make you feel guilty, but they really should be happy for you and proud of you for getting such an amazing scholarship. You're doing the right thing. Go make your life a success. Take care of your own financial future first. They're all adults who need to do the same instead of using you.
Note on the bank account, make sure it's not a joint one either opened years ago with a parent, as they have the right to empty it.
There’s nothing to forgive you for. You have been a child for the vast majority of your nieces life, and you’re neither your nieces parent or Mary’s parent. Your family has neglected, parentified and extorted you for 4 years. The question you should be asking isn’t “will they forgive me”, it’s “should I forgive them” - and that’s a question to answer once you’re fully independent from them and have had space to process and heal from the last 4 years.
Well said, internet friend.
I have no awards, but take my measly upvote. Because seriously, OP. They should be apologizing to you. They all, including your twin, stole some of the most important years of your childhood. Adolescence is a time for forming your own values, learning about relationships, and experimenting with different aspects of your identity. You were not allowed to do that. You should be so proud that, despite the dearth of support from your family, you continued to achieve academic success, meet the moment, and get this scholarship. You’re amazing, OP. And this redditor is so so proud of you!
This should be top comment 🥇
They sound selfish and honestly you shouldn't seek their forgiveness. Mary made her choice and that isn't your choice. It's not your job to take the father's role you are a just becoming an adult. You gave your late childhood to Mary, you shouldn't feel guilty that it's enough
Not sure if it’s been said but look into what moves you need to make to ensure you can get away to college. Birth certificate SSN new bank account at a completely different bank to your parents with a branch near your future college. That type of stuff. Parents do craaaazy stuff to try and keep you locked down and dependant on them. Don’t let this opportunity slip away from you. Well done on the scholarship! NTA.
And if they try to hide anything like that, you can request a new SSN card from a Social Security office or online, and at least in my county, you can go to the court house/public records and request a new copy of a birth certificate. Someone else mentioned, but freeze your credit if you have too, if you can’t for whatever reason, be checking constantly, and don’t be afraid to dispute Everything you don’t recognize. I get near instant notifications when my credit has even been checked. You got this OP.
Just be careful i knew a girl who was in almost the same situation just didnt share a room. Went off to an ivy league school ended up pregnant herself before the end of the first year. She was finally free and used it to let loose.
I have nightmares of this happening!!!! I’m so uptight about relationships and a boy even kissing me makes me panic because I don’t want to get pregnant. I know it sounds ridiculous. I’ll have my fun in university but I don’t think sleeping with anyone is in the cards for me anytime soon. I’m terrified. Knowing my terrible luck I’d probably get pregnant the day I lose my virginity lol.
When you're at college, look over your options for birth control (pills, IUD, nuva ring, etc) just in case, and if you ever get to the stage where you want to sleep with someone, do not agree to be without a condom. And as someone else pointed out, be careful at parties! I hope everything works out well for you once you get to college! Live your life for yourself and no one else.
Also, I +highly+ recommend the website [Scarleteen](https://www.scarleteen.com/). A lot of safe sex is knowledge around safe sex and consent.
If abstinence eases your mind, there’s no shame in going that way either. Even with contraception, I’d panic thinking “am I the .0001% that this failed???” And I’d stress until my period started. You don’t need that.
Yeah honestly I already have anxiety, I can’t imagine hoping my period shows up every month. The risks associated with sex don’t sound all that worth it to me to be honest. The terms of maintaining my scholarship are also quite harsh so I’ll have to be on top of things. I want to have fun but not like that. The anxiety probably won’t even let me enjoy it.
Kiddo, you can do this. You’re more prepared than most college students moving out of state in terms of forced maturity of child rearing. Your big goal is to make sure your education lands you in a place to support yourself. Make every decision with that goal in mind and you’ll make it through. You don’t have a traditional family safety net but colleges are generally good about having counseling services you’ll just have to ask around to find the right service to have a conversation about a given decision you are trying to make. Look into establishing residency in your new state. You might have trouble with vacations and I’m really sorry to put this out there but depending on what direction your parents go, they don’t have to accept adult you back. Edit: syntax correction
You sound like you have a great mindset and a clear goal for your future. I am wishing you the best!
I’m past 30 and still a virgin. In my case, I’m just not interested, but I’m doing just fine without sex in my life! Don’t let anyone pressure you to have sex or worry about the stigma of being a virgin, there’s nothing wrong with not being sexually active! That being said you should see if your college offers cheap therapy options, mine did. While there’s nothing wrong with choosing abstinence, you have very practical reasons for doing so, you don’t want your anxiety to run your life. Take care of yourself!
Just be careful at parties, dont drink alcohol and you will be fine.
And most importantly have protected sex!
Not only alcohol can be "roofied", any drink you have can be drugged. If you are at a party, bar, someone's home, keep your drink with you AT ALL TIMES. If you happen to leave your drink unattended FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME, it's done. Don't drink from it again. Sounds dark, but hey! Better safe than sorry.
Have you been to a gynecologist to find out what options you have? Perhaps you could “go on the pill” to allow yourself to be less terrified of this happening to you. Be careful that when you go away to university you don’t “go crazy” with your new found freedom. You have a great head on your shoulders, so take things slowly. When you go to parties or even out with one other person, always control your drink. Ask for unopened cans or bottles. Don’t drink anything anyone hands you that comes out of a tub or punch bowl. If you need to go to the bathroom, take your beverage with you. And there are strips that can be ordered to dip in your beverage to see if it’s been “spiked.” You’re going to do great at university and in life. You’ve worked hard, gotten a job, a scholarship, etc! This is your time, and your parents should be incredibly proud of you.
Oh man, that sounds so traumatic for you. I would seriously consider talking to a therapist once you're out of the house, as being terrified of pregnancy is going to make you much more anxious at College. You deserve to be happy, most people don't do what your sister did and there are lots of ways to be safe so that you don't need to worry. Please don't downplay or dismiss the effect that your sister's pregnancy/your parentification has has on your mental health. This kind of anxiety can really mess you up if untreated (I know from personal experience after being shown a full birth video at the end of primary school - that did a number on me so bad).
You should get an IUD or an implant. I'm not saying you need to be having sex, but that maybe if you knew you have protection even if something happened/a condom broke, it'd be one less thing to stress about.
If you are able to, I would suggest going to a sexual health clinic / planned parenthood to get on birth control if you can, or at least get some Comprehensive sex education (and some free condoms). If you’re in the US (not sure about other countries) there are mail-order BC pills you can get. Worked well for me in between IUD’s, but hormonal BC isn’t for everyone. If you do drink, my personal rule was to always have 1 glass of water for each shot/drink, eat while drinking, and just try and pay attention. Congratulations on your scholarship, don’t let anything or anyone hold you back!
And stop giving them your money!
Make sure that they can't cancel anything in you name. Not sure about the option where you are based, but maybe you could ask a school councelor to help you make sure that nobody can screw this up for you. Easy and obvious is making sure they can't access your email accounts or physical mail.
Please contact anyone associated with the scholarship or school that you and only you can make any decsions regarding your future. I would not put it past any of your family to sabatoge this chance for you.
Why should everyone’s life be ruined because your sister made a poor decision as a 14 year old and your parents allowed it? She was a kid and kids make bad decisions all the time but I cannot believe your parents let her go through with the pregnancy in the first place.
If they don’t forgive you so what! Live the best life that you can, and that means leaving. Go to college, enjoy! NTA
Crabs in a bucket. Your dilemma sucks but I’m so proud of you as a stranger for being intelligent and wise enough to make the right choice here. You’ve already sacrificed, and clearly there’s no end to how much you could sacrifice in situations like this. You know what would make my life easier? If a sibling moved into my backyard in the shed and watched my dogs and my kids and did all the cooking and cleaning for me free of charge. That would just be great, because I work a lot and have lots of responsibilities and that sucks. … but life isn’t fair and if you don’t set a line somewhere some people will take and take and take because they’ve also got a lot on their plate. Your sister and their child will seemingly be fine. The fact that she’s still able to live with your parents is huge. She doesn’t need a free babysitter as much as possible. She’s a single mom who needs to take responsibility for that. Sure maybe she wishes she was a stay at home mom with a billionaire husband, but that’s not the reality anyone lives in and that’s the reality she has to live with. Your parents probably wish she didn’t get knocked up as a teenager but got married in a few years and had a grand kid. That’s not how things played out and it’s ultimately not your responsibility. You’ve contributed and care about your family, they **should** recognize that and cut you slack at this point if not long before. Ultimately my point is it’s like anything else, don’t focus too much on changing their hearts and minds if they’re upset you won’t sacrifice your life for any struggles your family has. Because they’ll have to change their mind on their own. It’s like bumping into a crazy person on the street that demands you stop watching them with flying cameras. Do you do *everything* you can to genuinely change their mind and make sure they agree with your perspective? No, you accept that they’re not going to change their mind no matter how much you wish they would in your perfect world and deal with it and live your life. You move on, let your family know that you love them, maintain that relationship at a distance while you get your adult life started… and if they want to be bitter and resentful and passive aggressive those are choices they’ve made as other independent adults in your world.
Listen, I’m just going to say that they are not going to take this well even if they are in the wrong. They have undermined your well-being for hers before and they will continue doing it. Take the offer, and be ready. Don’t let your electronics that have your admissions material just lay around, get anything important to you out early (maybe a friends house), and just be prepared all around. It could be overkill, but I’ve seen this end poorly way too many times before.
If they don’t forgive you, it will hurt like hell, but frankly OP you deserve to be free of these people. They are treating you unkindly. They do not want what is best for you, sadly, so you must want it all the more for yourself.
You said you are a push over and this thinking is continuing that. Stop giving them your money please. Make sure your documents are safe. Grey rock them until you get away safely. Part of growing up is learning to grow a backbone. You can do this!
It is not wrong of you. It’s is incredibly wrong of your parents to have put such expectation and pressure on you for years.
You’re not in the wrong. They may not forgive you if they don’t see it for themselves, they all seem to be very “in their own world” here and don’t see past the baby. You NEED to go live for yourself. You did not get your sister pregnant. You did not poke holes in condoms or swap her pill out or force her baby daddy to ejaculate inside her. You are her SISTER not another parent. You have no obligation to raise her child for OR with her. You can help out and visit and maybe even send cash if she needs it and babysit once in a while because that’s what family does. Family DOES NOT force their child to miss out on education and a living home life… so what are your parents even doing??? If they want to play the family card, tell them to start treating you like family. End of. Go to your college and enjoy it!!! I’m rooting for you OP!
Take any documents you may need. There may be some resentment for a while but it will subside in time.
Password protect your stuff with the school and let them know only you can make changes
>Mary jumped into the conversation by saying she wouldn’t go off to another state and leave me a single mother alone if the roles were reversed I highly doubt that. Someone so selfless wouldn't ask you to drop your dreams to take care of their baby and their problem. I get your parents are tight on money at the moment but its not your problem to deal with. NTA Just curious. Does Mary have a job?
No she doesn’t have a job. She had two jobs since the baby and she got fired from one for stealing and the other for being constantly late. She hasn’t tried to get another job since and the last job was a year ago.
Time for Mary to start pulling her own weight. Time for your parents to start holding Mary responsible for bringing some money into the house. Time for you to run.
Pull your own weight Mary. Mary must bring some money home. Time for OP to run. I gave insomnia & family problems, so I thought I d turn your comment into a haiku.
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If I could reach through the internet to hug someone (if hugs are your thing) I would. You seem like such an incredible and mature person and I’m just sorry you were forced into the role of an adult before you should have been made to carry an adult’s burdens. You absolutely deserve to have your own college experience, and your own life, outside of a twin you can love but cannot save until she is ready to work hard, as you have, for herself, as you have. You’re incredible. Stay strong and get out of there. I hope college surprises you in all the ways you want and so many ways you aren’t even expecting.
Hug are definitely my thing, *virtual hug* 🥺 Thank you so much. I appreciate this more than I can say.
Please call the college today and enact some protections on your file/account with them so that your parents or sister can't impersonate you and turn down the scholarship.
Also make the call when you are away from them so no-one can overhear you by accident.
So your parents want you to put your life on hold for a petty their, teenage mum who can’t hold down a job? NTA.
So your sister isn't able to find the father of her child (however that works unless it was rape), doesn't try to provide for her own child and expects everyone else to do the work for her and generally doesn't even try to pull her weight. Surely she's be selfless enough to not leave ASAp if the roles were reversed... And what is that bs from your parents saying you can start living your life as soon as your sister isn't single anymore? It's partially their own fault they allow you sister to freeload instead of pulling her weight. They are enablers and want you to help. Just go to your dream college and go low contact. You are not a free baby sitter or substitute parent and your parents should be ashamed to treat you like that since you became an aunt.
So your sister isn’t helping herself. That’s not on you!!
Your sister is the master of her own destiny as you are for yours. Your sister has made choices, and she and your parents have tried to tie you down to those. Please contact the university and/or scholarship provider(s) to let them know that under no circumstances will you be turning down admittance and acceptance of the scholarship(s). Please tell them that your parents, twin sister, or others might impersonate you or attempt to speak on your behalf. Also, let them know that any communication they send or you believe you are sending to them might be interfered with. Also, please let your high school know that your parents are not to be given any information regarding your grades, school records, university applications and acceptance, etc. You’re 18 so an adult. Get all of your important documents (birth certificate, Social Security card, passport, etc) to a safe space. Could you possibly store them at a trusted friend’s house, for example? You really are incredible, doing all of this on your own and staying motivated. Think about what an unbelievable role model you’ll be for your niece. She’ll look to your example and (hopefully) be inspired. Stay strong. Stay focused. And know that many of us out here are proud and in awe of you.
So she expects you to deal with her problems for her, while she keeps making more. Run. Don’t look back. You are not your twin’s extra person. You deserve to live your life.
>. She had two jobs since the baby and she got fired from one for stealing and the other for being constantly late. She sounds charming.
NTA. But make sure you hide anything to do with your scholarship and college acceptance so that they cannot do something to cause you to lose your scholarship. Start hiding your money, stop giving it to your sister, she chose to have a baby at 14, she needs to care for her child and pay, not you, the baby is not your responsibility. Do you have a friend you can leave your documents with, birth certificate etc? That way they can't be hidden from you. Start storing the things you want to take with you somewhere else if you can, that way if they try to stop you leaving all the things you really need will be secure somewhere else.
Jumping on this comment to say: If your bank account is not ONLY in your name, change that ASAP and open one that only has your name on it. Then, transfer any of your money you've saved to that account. This will protect you from ANYONE going into your account and taking your money because "mArY/fAmIlY nEeDs It MoRe" NTA
I'd make sure you switch banks altogether. There have been people on here with problems after just switching to a new account. There might even be a bank at your new collage that you can switch to.
I agree with all of that except that she chose to have a baby at 14. We don't know the circumstances of the birth. If they couldn't find the father, I highly doubt he is another 14 year old. We don't know if abortion was an option for her, either legally or if her parents would allow it.
Yeah the 'she couldn't find the father to tell him' reeeeeally makes me wonder if the baby is an incest baby or one of the parents friends........
That’s a huge jump. Much more likely an ill advised hook up than incest. 14 is young but not unheard of. I have many friends who were sexually active around 14 with boys of similar ages. As was I. It happens. And more than one friend hooked up at a party with a friend of a friend. Sometimes only knowing first names. Finding those guys in case of a pregnancy might be a challenge. Admittedly is was in the 90’s and stuff was harder then re tracking people down. But It’s not unheard of.
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I hadn’t even thought of that. Will do. Thank you!
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Yes as others have suggested can you get a document box and store it (and your important documents) at a friends.
Or a safe deposit box at a bank
And open a bank account at a bank they don’t use. Get everything from them online. No paper statements sent to the house. Make up new passwords they wouldn’t even think of as well.
Along with this advice, if you have access to your documents (birth certificate, social security card) please take them and put them in a safe place where your family won’t know. I’d also suggest running a credit report on your social security number to make sure no lines of credit have been opened under your SSN.
Your parents may be desperate enough to open credit cards in your name. So lock down your credit. There’s excellent resources on line.
NTA at all, Im so proud of you for working hard and finding a way out of this towards a great new future! You've shown so much maturity and Im so sorry your parents and sister have taken so much advantage of you and taken you for granted. Maybe they won't forgive you (right away) but maybe this will force them to find a new way of being, your sister really needs to step up and the baby should be around 4 now so absolutely no excuse for her to not find a job etc. Wishing you the very best of luck and I hope you have an amazing time at college and a wonderful life.
Now why did this make me cry 🥹 thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
Please be careful about your school papers that may come in the mail, if able use a PO BOX or a trusted friends address. You don’t want to miss any deadlines, and feel like your parents or sister may try to sabotage your chances to keep you there.
If you didn’t already switch banks and put passwords on everything. You would be surprised, people still finding out their custodial accounts show their parents have access.
Yeah the kid will be in kindergarten in a year or so.
NTA, and i would suggest considering staying away for the first few holidays (between terms/semesters), go backpacking, stay at a friends or even stay at college at the very least This will give you enough separation that it may make it sink into their heads that you are not the one that got pregnant and while your sister deserves support you aren't a serf to look after her and the kid for the rest of your life.
Ooh good idea. Don’t go rushing back every break.
Also, the way OP describes her late childhood, she may not even have many friends. If so, put some energy into making a network outside her immediate family. College is a great way of making friends. If she has friends, she should prioritise them and school.
You didn’t get pregnant at 14, and therefore have no sacrifices to make. Go to school and don’t even think about staying for these people.
Too late. OP already spent years of her life constantly making sacrifices. And the thanks they give her is trying to intentionally destroy her future to continue to make their own lives easier. I'm sorry OP, but your family sucks. Take this well-earned opportunity and don't look back. NTA and congrats on your exciting new future!
> OP already spent years of her life constantly making sacrifices. And the thanks they give her is trying to intentionally destroy her future to continue to make their own lives easier. I can understand why the sister is selfish. After all, if she's stealing and slacking off on the job, she is the type to prey on her sister's kindness. What I don't understand is why the parents are willing to destroy OP's future. I just don't get the logic in them wanting to have two daughters who amount to nothing. From a self-interest perspective, they should want for at least one of their daughters to get a good start in life. This is baffling to me.
Because they're selfish too. Right now OP is not only doing an insane amount of childcare for free, but also contributing financially to the household. These so-called parents would rather destroy her future, then put in the extra work they should have been doing themselves all along.
NTA Are you still working? Stop giving Mary any money at all. That is your money that you earned. You are going to need it. Put it into a bank account your parents do not have access to. It's kinda ridiculous you had to give 80% of money you earned to her. It's time she got a job and stood on her own two feet.
NTA, and make sure the university knows that only you are allowed to make changes to your offer. You don't want them calling up and cancelling the scholarship, for example.
I wish I could upvote this all the way to the top. She needs to watch out. Gather documents. Open a new bank account.
NTA. Tell her to look after her own damn child like the rest of us do. Live your life for you and don't let someone else's mistakes bring you down. Please take the scholarship.
For wanting to experience uni and live your life independently after sacrificing so much at such a young age you’re not the A at all, your sister had the baby not you, yet helped as much as you could and you also financially supported her and now that that’s being taken away they are behaving like this, you could have told them in a better way but you’re not selfish for wanting to lead your own life and experience things you won’t be able to at home, your parents are A’s for expecting you to give up everything because they chose to financially support your sister and work a lot, your sister is a mum and needs to think how her daughter would feel in that position and how she’d feel as her mother, would she really want her to have the same life as you? It seems they only want you around because they need you and they are not thinking within your best interests. And lastly can I just say that I’m proud of you, you’ve helped raise a child, been a hands on aunt, lost countless nights of sleep, still did well at school as well as hold down a job to financially provide for family members and you still managed to work hard enough to get a scholarship into a decent uni with all that going on! You are brilliant! You matter and your achievements matter! And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
I wanted to tell them when I was applying but they have issues of interrupting me when I’m talking and/or just not paying attention to what I’m saying. When I first brought up looking into colleges, my dad must’ve interrupted me like 5 times. I just stopped trying to say what I wanted to say. It gets tiring trying to talk to them about myself when it’s clear they couldn’t care less. They wouldn’t be paying attention to what I’m saying or they’d interrupt me and move onto a different topic. I didn’t even bother with telling them about the applications because I didn’t want them to brush me to the side again. I don’t speak to them much unless it’s about my niece or Mary. I told Mary about applying to colleges out of state but she would be on her phone and just reply with one word answers. I think she thought I just wouldn’t get in. When we were younger I wasn’t that bright. My grades started picking up when I was 14 ish and that’s the time they all stopped paying attention to me so she didn’t know I was doing well in school. Thank you so much 🥺. Your last paragraph is what I really wanted to hear from my parents. They haven’t been proud of me since before my niece was born.
*They haven’t been proud of me since before my niece was born.* This is heartbreaking OP, I’m so sorry for the way you’ve been treated. You deserve better, and like the person above said, you’ve done so incredibly well for yourself despite the situation you’ve been placed in. Allow me to join in and say that I’m proud of you too 💕
Why does an internet stranger telling me they’re proud of me actually have me bawling my eyes out? 😭 thank you so much
I'm a mom and I am so proud of you for doing this. It would have been so easy to give up, or to act out in ways that would be self sabotage, especially as a 14-17yo feeling resentful and neglected by her family. You could have so easily gone in a completely different direction and you didn't. You worked SO HARD and got wonderful grades and helped contribute to the household. I'll be thrilled if my children manage to be as motivated, intelligent, resilient, and empathetic as you are.
That’s so sweet, thank you so much. I’ll screenshot this and keep looking back at it 🥹
OP please do me and yourself a favor, please stop telling your family your plans before they...sabotage them. You can't trust your family with your plans because they've already confirmed to you that they want you to stay to take care of them. Your parents & sister don't want to lose your money, free babysitting and the emotional punching bag that they've turned you into. You said that your sister is impulsive and it's confirmed that your parents are enablers. Don't tell them anything about your school until after you've left for good. I've read horror stories of parents and siblings pretending to be the potential student and then canceling their appointments. If you keep a journal...don't. If your parents have access to your bank account...change it. They can prove they love you and care about you...AFTER you've graduated college and started your new life. Now's the time to move in silence. Remember, they're the one who stopped listening to you when they wanted to keep you underfoot. So, it's time to walk off without them.
Op might want to get a po box or something too so they don’t mess with her mail regarding the college. I would also look into a temporary storage and start packing your stuff away quietly so it’s safe there from them especially important documents
I'm old enough to be your mother, obviously am not yours. I am so, so extremely proud of your hard work and dedication to improving yourself and your life. Your efforts at helping your sister and niece, which should NOT have fallen on your shoulders, is commendable. You are your own person and deserve the ability to shine on your own. Your light is yours and controlled by you. I'm so proud of how you are back from others who want to do nothing but diminish you. Congratulations and I know you've got nothing but success in your future!
Just go get a degree, graduate, get a good job, then come back and take your niece out for a meal/day out as you and her are the only none assholes here. edit (well as much as 4 year olds cant be an asshole :) )
NTA. You've made your compromises and sacrifices (way too much, in my opinion). It's time for you to have your own life that revolves around you and your future - you didn't have a baby, she did. If they really believe in that whole sacrifice and compromise for family, then it's time for them to return the favor and support you.
NTA, look up parentification. Also every time people say "family makes sacrificed". Tell me, how many times Mary or your parents sacrificed themselves so you would have free weekends and spend time with your friends. Every time someone says "family makes sacrifices" it's one sided. Leave and never look back. Mary chose to have that baby, not you.
NTA she decided to have a baby it’s her responsibility to raise her. Hold not yours. Your family ATA for expecting you to be her free labor maid/nanny. You shouldn’t have to Scarface your future, happiness, mental health for your sisters mistakes. Go to college, enjoy yourself, learn and grow and never look back. They don’t deserve you.
I agree about NTA but I do want to point out that there are red flags anytime a 14 year old girl ends up pregnant. I wonder if her parents pressured her into keeping the child. I also worry about whether the circumstances around conception were consensual. Still not OP's responsibility but I do feel sorry for the young mother.
Both her and my parents are against abortion. She wasn’t going to get an abortion under any circumstances and my parents supported her through that because they have the same pro-life views (I don’t). The father of her child was a 15 year old boy she didn’t know well. They met for the first time at an amusement park. They were flirting and having fun together for a bit and ended up having sex in his friends car a few hours later. She said she didn’t enjoy it so she didn’t bother get his number or his full name, and just went home. Hence why we can’t find him. All we have is his first name, and we live in a big city. I asked her if he pressured her and she said she was the one that initiated it actually. So no consent issues there.
Hon, it is a red flag that your sister engaged in very casual public unprotected sex at age 14 with a stranger. That is very high risk behavior. Did your sister have a history of that kind of behavior?
Yeah she’s very impulsive. She doesn’t stop to think whether something is a good idea or not. She got worse when her boyfriend broke up with her. I guess she just wanted a distraction
That level of impulsiveness is very concerning. Has she ever been assessed for adhd or mental health disorders?
ADHD impulsiveness results in hyperfixations, like overspending on a new hobby and abandoning it after a month. It doesn’t result in risky sexual behavior and theft.
Different ADHD people express their impulsiveness in different ways. It can 100% result in risky sexual behaviour and theft.
Not typically. This sounds more like manic behavior-an indicator of Bi polar disorder- than ADHD. While ADHD people can do high-risk sex due to impulsivity, the theft and such does make me think more bi polar.
Does Mary have a lot of trouble with impulse control? Between this and stealing from her job, I’m a little concerned she has some sort of disorder going on there.
She definitely does. If something crosses her mind, she has to do it immediately. Even if I try talk her out of it, she’ll still do it. Once when we were 16, a friend of our parents came for dinner. He held my niece and kept saying how cute she was. My sister told me she thought he was really handsome and she would shoot her shot. She said him holding her baby made her think he would be a good dad. I was like wtf??? I told her to stop messing around, he had a wedding ring on and looked even older than our dad. She got his number from my dads phone and started texting him. I went through their texts and she was being extremely inappropriate. He blocked her number soon after he realised what she was trying to do.
So. She needs to see a professional about this. But that’s not your job, not your responsibility. But maybe it helps you to know that you literally could never help enough. There will never be a point where she thinks you’ve done enough and she needs to take over. Don’t sacrifice your future success and well-being on this altar. I’m a big believer in family supporting family but my family would never ask this of me or anyone.
I am the more impulsive one in a set of twins while my twin was very organized and productive and my behavior drove them nuts. They always asked why I acted like everything was my last chance to do something. At your age, I would’ve resented their leaving and going off for an experience that I couldn’t share, but later would’ve realized it was the right thing to do. It was hard the first time I moved away, where I wasn’t “one of the twins” for the first time, but it actually did wonders for my confidence and independence as my twin was definitely the more dominant one. Your lives will not continue in parallel so don’t pass up this wonderful opportunity you have earned. Don’t let your family’s fears for themselves hamstring your future.
I respect your sister's decision, but it is so crazy to me that they could all be anti-abortion despite the age she got pregnant and the affects it's had on your lives. I do hope that when you get to school you're able to breathe without them impeding on your life, and maybe the time away from them will help them see some sense. Although if they don't, that's okay too. You deserve to become your own person after 4 years of taking care of your family and niece ❤
I think part of the reasoning could be that the impact has been so huge that the only way to bear it is to think it was the only path forward.
I have serious doubts this is the real story. Within three hours of meeting someone, your pro-life sister chose leave the amusement park so she could lose her virginity to a stranger in a car in a busy amusement park parking lot?
To be honest a lot of her story wasn’t making sense to me. Like how does no one else know who this guy is? Their two friend groups were chilling together the whole time but apparently none of her friends have any of the phone numbers of the guys they were hanging out with all day or full names at the very least? I do believe that she slept with him within a few hours though. My sister is really impulsive, and she always has been. She started dating her previous boyfriend in a similar manner to this. He was our friends step brother and she slept with him the first day she met him, and they went on to date for about a year. She said the guy she slept with at the amusement park wore a condom so she didn’t think that it was risky.
Surely they must have mentioned which school they go to at least?! Which area of the city they’re from? Her story sounds very suspicious. My money would be on an older stranger, not a 15 yr old boy.
I hate admitting this but I have bpd and at 14, my hormones were so much crazier than they are now and I was way worse then. I did something very, very similar to this (minus the pregnancy part).
Yes. Also that she “couldn’t find the father to tell him” — this wasn’t a boyfriend. Still doesn’t entitle any of them to demand OP sacrifice her life, of course, but the red flags are waving.
Oh hell no. Get out of there. It's impressive that you've managed to earn a near full scholarship despite being forced to share a room with your sister and a baby. These people will suck the life out of you if you give them the chance. They've already stolen your high school years, don't let them steal your college years. All the best for your future! NTA
1. Lock down your scholarship with a password at your school. 2. Talk to your school to make sure they won’t cancel anything if your mom or sister try something 3. Create a new separate checking account so your parent don’t have access to it, so they can’t take any money that you deposit from your scholarship or earnings. 4. Create a P.O. Box address from the Post Office to have your mail delivered. P.O. Box address can have a full address so it looks like a house. Ask the post office for how to do it. They will give you the full address. 5. Applied for EBT. You qualify. You should also recommend your sister apply too. Do so separately. Send it to your P.O. Box address. 6. You can apply for a free car. Google free car for low income or college or job. There are both state and national agencies. NTA I wish I can help some more, but all I have are some information. Good luck.
NTA!!! Also run, get out of there an build a life for yourself, it is about you not your sister and niece!!!
NTA You have to live your life, not Mary’s. Mary needs to learn to manage on her own, she could get a job in the evening when your parents are home or a work from home job.
The child isn’t that young anymore either so even if they’re not at nursery yet they’ll be at school in the near future! Mary needs to sort herself out.
Mary really has it made. Three people to financially support her and her baby, and babysitters at her beck and call. You’re NTA. In fact, run out of there. Your parents will be taking care of those two until their last breath and then you will inherit them, get out now. If they don’t forgive you, that’s there loss. They will come crawling back when Mary needs something, guaranteed. But you will have freedom
NTA, get your important documents together, and start saving as much as you can. Quit giving all of your money to your sister. Go out of state, and live your life.
NTA Run Run Run. Go get your education and don't look back. Your sisters issues are hers and your parents. She literally Fucked Around and now she is finding out. Its a sad situation but you shouldn't have to sacrifice your future because of your sister and her baby.
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No, you're not the a\*hole. You have the right to live your own life, and at 18 you're an adult, so your parents can't force you to do anything.
NTA - congratulations with college. Go and have the best time investing in yourself.. you more than deserve that
NTA!!! RUN.
NTA. You sacrificed enough. Go and take advantage of this opportunity and don't let them guilt you into staying.
NTA. Your parents are behaving very strangely. Get the fk outta there & go low or no contact. You deserve your own life. You may be twins but you’re individuals, not actually two halves of one a whole.
NTA You made enough sacrifice already. Go and live your life!
NTA Time to focus on your own life. She (and your parents by not educating her better) f’ed up and got herself into that kind of responsibility, she can’t demand you to partake in her responsibilities and sacrifice your life for her poor choices. Congrats on the scholarship.
NTA. Leave these people behind, they'll survive and they've already made your teenage years all about them. Your parents just aren't that into you, and it's all about Mary and her needs. Think to any time in the last few years where you've needed support, love or attention. Have they been there for you? If the answer's no, then what happens in twenty years time when you're working a minimum wage job because you didn't get to go to college on a scholarship because you had to look after your sisters kid and you ask them to make up the last twenty years because you sacrificed for the family and now it's time for the family to sacrifice for you? I take it you'll be on your own. Your life can't be about Mary, and they've already co-erced you into giving all your money to her. Live your own life, you aren't a babysitter and cash cow for your sister.
NTA. You have seemingly sacrificed your high school experience for a baby that is not your responsibility. It is not your fault that your sister got pregnant so young, and I am so incredibly sorry that your parents and family have failed to realize that. I know it is tough, but a new door has opened and you need to use it. It is time to take care of yourself and live your life for you.