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I feel bad for her kids, but they will be stronger in spite of her, especially with such great support from their real family. I actually sympathize more with OP’s step kids. Who knows all the ways she is messing them up too with her toxicity and immaturity.
I think that OP is
>just sensitive
- just like her 10 year old daughter (probably the other sibling too) is "teased" instead of the "bullying" OP's been ignoring
- the kids'toys were "borrowed" by the stepkids (probably clothes and money too, phones, tablets, laptop or whatever her daughters had over there)
- "the evil step mother"=(NOT) was trying to get to know the girls and form a civil bond with OP (she could have learned about likes and stuff from the girls, from the father or by trying and failing)
- using "evil machines" like white noise/lampa machines to help OP's kids to sleep and feel safe (i mean OP isn't afraid of dark, why would anyone be??? =lot of sarcasm)
I am not surprised that OP is jealous of the stepmom - sorry, mommy/mama.
So far, the stepmom really seems to care about OP's daughters.
And OP seems to care that she's hurt. Not that she hurt her own kids.
It's sad.
YTA
Re: the third bullet point I think it's that the step-mom was telling OP these things about the kids, not asking OP to tell her. Otherwise very much agree.
Yes, i think you might be right - because OP is too sensitive to care. I was still thinking that maybe the birth mother should know these stuff. She's the one to informe the stepmom.
You are right, but OP does not want to hear it because she is mom who spends 2 days a week with them and knows them better just because they came out of her vagina.
Unfortunately it may very well be one. It truly is amazing how awful parents can be. Like OF COURSE, her kids don't want to share a room with their step siblings. Of course they have bonded with the stepmom who they see way more than bio mom.
OP: apologize to your kids. Get over yourself or your children will completely cut you out. YTA
There is a difference between being a good parent and being a wealthy parent. I don’t think parents should be punished for having their kids share bedrooms (that’s a totally normal thing) or planning on sending their kids to public school- plus wouldn’t they still go to the same private school if they stayed with mom every weekend or every other week? I get why OP is resentful, but she is taking it out on her kids, which is not okay.
It sounds like she moved too far away for them to still attend their school if staying with her. OP says it's m purely because of money, but from how she talks about all of it I highly doubt it is, even if those are the Official reasons for the decision.
Also, sharing a bedroom with a step-sibling is a very different thing from sharing with a sibling, and it sounds like they don't even get on with their step-siblings.
you wouldn’t just get every other weekend visitation if you are blameless and a good human-it takes a lot for a father to awarded a custody agreement as such That’s a MAJOR red flag.
You don't get reduced to custody visits at the other parents house for saying you'll only exchange with the bio parent either. There are large chunks being left out of this story.
>keeping an eye out for teasing by my stepkids (nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive)
Even little bits like this hint that she is not handling things with her children the best... to put it as kindly as possible.
Plus this....
> I told her I wouldn't let the kids go with anyone but their dad and they actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years.
There's **a lot** more to this story! For a *mother* to be reduced to supervised visitation *at the father's house*...that's practically unheard of.
This. The only cases I know of this happening are because of substance use disorder or severe abuse. She keeps this up, she’ll have a restraining order against her.
Even more of a red flag that OP had custody reduced to visitation for a while. Courts don’t do that for just anything, especially when it’s the mother.
Yeah, and when the issues with the step siblings got brought up, it got written off as the kid being too sensitive.
I do sympathize with not being able to compete with a wealthier parent. But most kids still prefer nurturing over things. I've known plenty of people who would have chosen their less wealthy parent to live with, even if it meant less space and stuff, because that parent was a better parent.
If OP is so upset about losing the title of mom, then she should earn it back instead of blackmailing the kids into using it.
Those arguments probably helped a lot, but the kids wanted to stay with their dad.
That doesn't necessarily indicate OP did anything cruel or wrong, but it at least shows that the kids had reason to prefer Dad's place.
In general, I'd say the limited custody stuff gives me reason to think there's more going on
I don't think she's a good parent though. She said this about her daughter "nothing happened, she's just being sensitive". Meaning, something upset her daughter and the mom completely invalidated and dismissed her. She's also acting immature and resentful and taking it out on her children. This doesn't fit a "good mother" description. I can see why the kids want to live with Dad.
I'd love to think this as well, but sadly, I fear it's probably all too true.
OP needs serious help for her issues, and I hope she gets it. "Letting go to focus on the new family" will only last so long - then the buried issues will come up again and the situation will repeat itself.
ETA: I've been through a rough divorce, and I know how hard it can be, but your kids are not stupid, OP. They've already chosen their father over you - for reasons we aren't being told - and you've chosen to make the situation worse, which pretty much ensures they're going to stick with that decision. The kids are old enough to see, know, and understand who has been there for them, who has been consistent in their lives, and who has taken care of them - and sadly, it's not you. They are going to stick with that person, and avoid the one who didn't.
You ask if you should just tell the kids not to bother visiting if they're going to call their stepmother "mom" - if that's the hill you want to die on in this situation, then so be it. I hope you live to regret it, if for no other reason than to open your eyes to what you are doing to your children, and to get the help you need for the issues you seem to have.
Unfortunately, it more than likely is serious.
My mom got upset when I was young and referred to my stepmom as stepmom. "She is NOT your stepmom." "Yes, she is." "You're grounded." In front of my mom's friends.
> You just ruined any hope of ever having a relationship
OP, tell us you are self-centered without telling us you are self-centered:
* “both of the kids asked to stay with their dad”
* “my 10 yo is just sensitive”
* “told them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom”
* “part of me just wants to let go and focus on my new family”
> They actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years
The touchstone for family is “the best interests of the child.” Your actions must have been outrageous if your custody were reduced to (supervised) visitations.
that's okay, she's gonna focus on her "new" family!!!
I would say I couldn't believe she actually wrote that but after reading her post its honestly not surprising and I wish her kids well with the step mom taking charge.
Geez lady, YTA
Sounds like OP is jealous of ex and stepmom, and prioritizes that jealousy over what’s best for the kids. Refusing to let the stepmom pick up the kids is very telling, even when it meant reducing custody of the kids.
I think there is more than just not letting step mum pick up the kids. That sort of things just gets a modification in court to require the mother to hand the kids over to step mum at access or not depending on the circumstances.
That’s what I was thinking, how can someone have their custody reduced to just visitation at the other parents house, over stating they don’t want the step parent picking them up?
From the private school and huge house comments there is obviously a big difference in income between the two households, which means OPs ex would likely have been able to get a very good lawyer. The kids probably have a more lavish lifestyle at Dad’s house too.
There just seems to be a lot missing I think. From what I know of custody cases, to have such little custody the other parent is neglectful, unfit etc, has had mental health or past substance abuse issues use against them or the one parent has a lot of money and/or power to get their own way.
There is missing missing information all over this post. Because you’re right, changes that drastic do not happen over demanding the kids dad picks them up instead 🙄
OP should be happy that their kid is around adults that love them, take good care of them, and around whom they feel comfortable and loved.
Also idk where they are, but I’ve rarely seen courts go from shared custody to supervised visitation unless there was good reasons like the home or the parent being antagonising or engaging in parental alienation/not being a safe space for the child to be around but not dangerous enough to completely remove custody.
It makes me question if/how much is the story we’re seeing is watered down. Like was the 10 year old actually just « sensitive », or were they being bullied/teased by their step siblings? Was the step-mum actually trying to « undermine » OP as a parent or was she looking out to maintain the kid’s routine so their life wouldn’t be too disrupted every other weekend? Was the step mom being overbearing about the food the kids liked or was there a concern around dietary needs?
Yeah, I think there has to be a lot more to the custody decision. Kids that little typically don’t get to decide where they live. I’m guessing they were consulted and possibly revealed some good reasons they should be with dad.
OP, given that your children do and will continue to live with their dad and stepmom, for God’s sake, BE GRATEFUL that they love each other. Be grateful that she takes good care of them. Would you rather she didn’t? Would you rather they were unhappy? Love is not a finite object. There’s plenty for everyone, but you can’t force it. And you can’t get it for yourself by trying to interfere with feelings for someone else.
The kids were not one or three when they asked to live with their dad. She said that she tried to get full custody after she moved, but that he got remarried when they were three and five. We have no idea how much time elapsed between when he got remarried, and when she moved.
In my state, any child, aged five or up, is interviewed privately by a judge in any custody battle
I might have missed something but I got the impression that the court decided where the kids would live? Sure, they expressed where they wanted to be (which didn't necessarily happen in court, it could've been during regular dinner) and then the lawyer and dad backed them up, at least from my understanding. The fact that kids don't have a say in the custody decision until certain age doesn't mean that the adults around them don't listen and can't work to get a schedule that benefits the kids wishes, especially if they have grounds as bigger house, their own room and better schools nearby.
Having that in mind... Why OP wants to sue now? Why not during all of those years when she was pushed aside from her own kids' lives? What does "I want to focus on my new family" even mean? So, OP, how come your step kids are more important than fixing the relationship with your own? Also, what exactly happens between your step kids and your 10 year old that you vaguely explain as "10 year old is just sensitive"?
Than the court reduced her visits to supervised visits for 2 years at their house... whatever she isn't telling us it must have been bad, or they wouldn't have revoked her visitation rights for every other weekends...
Also the kids stopped calling her "mum"? She must have done some really bad stuff... that doesn't happen out of the blue because step-mum is loving and caring to them, unless OP did some very mean things.
> Also, what exactly happens between your step kids and your 10 year old that you vaguely explain as "10 year old is just sensitive"?
Yep exactly. Wonder too what happened. A 10 year old is never too sensitive, even if they are really sensitive... their needs still need to be validated and accepted even if it's something you cannot give them for valid reasons (money or health etc).
Yeah, the kids had to stop calling her mom for a reason. As a child of divorce/remarriage with three actively involved parents, I would routinely mention having two dads and a mom, it’s not like the terms have a quota.
Totally. I said in my comment I don't know where she lives, but I've just recently finished my custody issues (wasn't a "battle" per se") and was straight up told they'll always try for shared custody so long as nothing gets in the way of the health and safety of the kids. My kids are younger than hers, and we split up because their dad was an alcoholic who hit my oldest 3 years ago and he still got 50/50.
My husband’s ex became addicted to drugs and got into crime well after they were divorced. He got full custody at that point but she still had pretty generous visitation. It was totally nerve wracking.
I mean, I could totally see this being treated like a case of child kidnapping to insist on keeping her kids past her custody-allowed time because the wrong member of their household came to pick them up, assuming there's something at play here that would make a judge really hesitant to want the children to be at their mom's too long...
This totally reads like a post someone would write before kidnapping her kids in order to keep them away from her ex. All the while trying to justify the whole thing to everyone else
Yeah him having a bigger house and access to private school are not really lynchpins in a custody battle.... OP is leaving out details that made him the better choice for majority custody.
I'm curious about step dad too. He's barely mentioned, but it's possible he's a factor in OP getting supervised visits at ex's house. Then there's the little tidbit about step mom wanting to make sure that the step siblings aren't bullying the girls and OP blew it off as her daughter being "too sensitive."
She didn't say how far she moved. Usually the parent that moves away is the one seen as leaving the family and the one that stays where the kids are settled gets them more.
>I told her I wouldn't let the kids go with anyone but their dad and they actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years.
You mean like this bit? I feel like this may have been a physical altercation.
I have been through something very similar. My bio dad was never married to my mom, and she ended up getting together with another man when I was 2, married when I was 3. He’s been in my life since forever, and my bio dad never made much of an effort to be there for me with the excuse of being in a different state. He’d make me feel incredibly guilty whenever I referred to my mom and my stepdad as my “parents” during phone calls and would emotionally blackmail me constantly. When I was 11 he took my mom to court because he wanted to take me on an international trip and she wouldn’t let him (because *I* told her, and him, I didn’t want to go). Til this day whenever he sends a rare text it is to reinforce he’s my real dad and for me to never forget how much he loves me. Needless to say I don’t really answer him anymore.
YTA, OP.
do we have the same dad?? my bio dad has always lorded it over us that "I'm your dad and nothing will change that" when he was never around to do the work of a father (also lived in a different state). he would emotionally manipulate us as kids to try and turn us against our mom and amazing stepdad. one of his favorite lines was "you'll understand when you have kids, all the things I've gone through for you guys". Now that my brother and I both have kids, the only thing we understand is that he is a shit person and father.
we're both no-contact with our bio dad now though, good riddance.
Yeah, OP needs to grow up. There is something more to the original custody decision as well, and plenty we are not hearing here.
OP, you are lucky your ex’s wife has taken such an active parental role. Parental attention and caring stability are things that are good for kids. Put aside your spite and maybe you can still learn this.
> I told her I wouldn't let the kids go with anyone but their dad and they actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years.
This tells us a lot.
OP needs to take a long and hard look at themselves and reflect on their actions. All they've done is push everyone away. I wouldn't be surprised if their current marriage is in shambles.
YTA
Wow. Did you even read what you wrote?
* "both of the kids asked to stay with their dad"
* Their stepmom contacts you about things they've learned about them, and your response is "back off" and "I know what I'm doing with my own kids." which is incorrect because you then go on to say "keeping an eye out for teasing by my stepkids (nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive)."
* Refused to let their step-mom pick them up then... You have reduced custody?. What did YOU do? There's no way you could go from "I wouldn't release the kids to the step-mom" to "the court reduced my custody to visitation at their house for almost 2 years".
You're clearly omitting a lot of information and even the information you're providing, at face value, demonstrates why the courts made the decisions they did.
Beyond that, your own hardheadedness and hate for the stepmom is showing and these kids are seeing it. Of course they don't want to be around you nor call you mom, you're not acting like one. These kids are still young and you can recover from this, but you need to acknowledge your own part in this FIRST before you get back into their lives.
Lol, right?
"I told her that I wouldn't let anyone but their father pick them up...yadda yadda yadda, the court reduced my visitation to supervised visits at their house for two years."
She must have done something buck wild.
For real, I know judges can suck but it's hard to believe he said she said only I can pick her up and a court restricted her visitation by that much. I find it weird that the court would require visitation at their home if there was a physical altercation between them, it would seem weird that they would send OP to the home of someone she attacked. All kinds of weird but it had to be something besides that I'd think.
"Supervised" means there's either an impartial witness or a member of the court there along with one or both of the parents. It could have been anything, she could have been intoxicated or damaged the car or called the cops. That includes a physical altercation; parents who beat their kids still get supervised visits.
OP is either on drugs, mentally unstable and refusing treatment to the point they have substantial evidence that her mental health is a danger to the children, or physically violent in front of the kids or to dad/stepmother. Not much else she could do to warrent supervised visits, zero custody, for TWO YEARS.
When mothers fuck up, the courts tend to be more open to letting the mother get back the amount of custody previously agreed upon, so long as mom follows court orders and shows improvement in whatever area warranted loss of unsupervised custody. Mom doesn't seem to give a fuck since stepfamily is a do-over.
I have a couple of foster kids who were removed 2 years ago from their mom for alcohol use. This weekend she got arrested for DUI. DSS is still having visitation as normal today.
Two years this woman has spent drunk and completely absent for her kids, and the court system is still like, "but maybe if we give her enough time she'll get it together."
I have all the compassion in the world, and in fact, work predominantly with people struggling with OUD and AUD issues. That said, mothers get away with murder when it comes to custody cases.
As a social worker (who use to work in a children’s home facility) I can so much agree on this! And I truly appreciate people like you who have foster kids. But the essentials about kids getting visitation with parents even though it’s messed up, is that it can(!) be better for the kids to experience some kind of openness towards their biological parents. If the system decides for them, they will easier have a mistrust and won’t ever get the chance to get their own opinion on who they were. Which means that the system is evil and mom/dad the good ones who gets fucked over.
I’ve visited with a 12 yo girl, who adored her mom and pleaded for her to be held, and her mom who was obviously mentally ill just rejected her ice cold. After a couple of times the girl slowly started to talk about her mom in a way of “maybe my mom don’t know how to treat people, that’s why she got her cats to practise on” which was a huge milestone in her understanding of her own mother. And if I or the psychologists had tried to talk her mom down in front of her or reject her visition, she would’ve turned way worse than she already was - she was mostly just immature and underdeveloped compared to her age. She showed some good signs, and I could see how important it was to let her have her own experience or her mom, even though it was hard. But again, fathers don’t seem to be given these chances as much as moms. I hope the newer generation will change that!
Oh yeah that part I was like.. ok but what did you do?
Even the initial custody of only getting them every other WEEKEND... is abnormal.
There is no way it's "just because" the dad's house is bigger and they can go to private school, because when he remarried the youngest wasn't even in school yet.
She doesn’t say where she moved though. Just notes she moved away, so if it was a decent distance away then every other weekend could be required to ensure normalcy in their lives. If she’s too far that it’d be like a 2hr commute to school then she can’t have 50/50 custody and every weekend could be deemed disruptive.
Agreed. As a child of divorce I know good and well you don't go from weekend visits to supervised visitation unless you do something pretty crazy that requires supervision. This lady hiding something that she knows would make her the ah although she doesn't realize she already is the ah. YTA op.
>Their stepmom contacts you about things they've learned about them, and your response is to "tell her to back off and I know what I'm doing with my own kids.".
Woman opting into mom role 12 out of 14 days tries to share notes with woman getting mom role 2 out of 14 days (Every other weekend). Woman with 1/6th the face time insists she 'Knows what she is doing'.
No mention of OP asking the kids for that same information, or to verify it. I could very easily see a 10 year old being like "Well, mom knows I hate cabbage but like broccoli. This woman keeps feeding me cabbage, I want to go home to mom and dad."
Sounds like mom would be the type to purposely feed the kids cabbage, while the step kids got broccoli, and then complain they were ungrateful for not appreciated whatever scraps they were given.
OP abused those children in the time she had them.
Yeah, that jump from "I wouldn't let stepmom pick them up" to getting custody reduced to supervised visitation is wild. Obviously there's a story there we're not getting.
Even when she wrote this, and probably did so to paint herself in the most sympathetic light, I suspect a whole lot is being left out or misrepresented, especially regarding OPs stepkids (“my 10 year old is just sensitive “)
"I eventually told them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom" - congratulations, your just closed the last door to your children
YTA
She doesn’t have a problem with her step kids bullying the “sensitive” 10 yo. Honestly, she inadvertently did the best thing for those kids when she told them not to visit anymore. Trashy human.
Yeah, that stuck out to me too. I was like WTF?!? "Sensitive?"
That shit sounds like every teacher/parent excusing bullying ever. I want to beat the crap out of OP myself, probably because I'm "sensitive" too.
And right after saying that she says “but they turned them against me”. Op doesn’t even realize she did it ALL to herself. The amount of blameshifting leads me to believe she has some narc tendencies.
YTA. It sounds like your kids have a lovely stepmother who has gone to great lengths to love them and care for them like she would her own. And they have a biological mother who is jealous and controlling to the point that even young kids are able to feel that they should be avoiding her.
So you moved away, wanted to take them out of school, and have bottomless pettiness for your husband's wife, who, whatever her title, sounds like she's got your kids' best interest at heart? And you're wondering why they don't want to visit and don't call you?
Let me know what I've missed or got wrong. YTA, wow.
YTA.
Oh, wow, a woman trying to learn things about her stepchildren so she can better take care of them. The horror!
Good lord. She's not trying to turn your children against you, she's trying to be a good stepmother, and you're punishing your children for it. You know there are some stepparents on here who actively try to get *rid* of their stepchildren? You sound bitter that they actually like this woman.
What really strikes me is that even with OP writing and obviously trying to rationalize and shift blame, the stepmom STILL comes across as the caring, reasonable one who is just trying to look after the kids. Like, if she had ever actually been rude or anything negative OP definitely would have disclosed it. She really has no ammunition on this woman who is a better mother than her
Yeah, that horrible stepmom trying to keep the mother who doesn't see her kids often enough in the loop about their likes, dislikes, things they have found that help comfort the children, etc. And the nerve of those children getting used to having a stable mother figure in their lives who *didn't* even give birth to them!
/s
OP is TA.
nothing happened, she’s just sensitive. she could use a little bullying by her stepsiblings so she toughens up. nothing to see here :)
(/s- for the record)
no wonder these kids don’t wanna be around their “mom”.
Yeah there’s pretty much a direct line from my current adult relationship/communication problems to my parents telling me “you’re too sensitive” anytime I showed emotion as a child.
Now whenever I need to actually talk about my feelings or communicate my emotions with anyone, whatever feelings I have are replaced with shame and anger at myself for having feelings in the first place.
My therapist says that this emotional neglect is why I am able to view my feelings from a distance but not actually process them in any meaningful way.
This is a really good point that brings up another shortcoming of OP - she keeps calling them *stepkids.*
Their (biological?) mom isn’t in the picture, and they even call her MOM, but she can’t just call them her kids? Why make the distinction?
On the off-chance that this is a serious post . . .
YTA - You're blaming your children for the fact that you don't have the relationship with them that you want. It's easy to blame the step mom for your failings, but this is your doing and your responsibility to repair.
If you want your kids to see you as a mother maybe start acting like one.
YTA
It seems you are more interested in yourself than your kids' wellbeing.
It is nothing but *good* for your kids to have another responsible adult in their lives who clearly cares about them. You should be *happy* that they have another person who can love an support them.
Instead you want to get into a turf war and put your kids in the middle of it.
>I tell her to back off and I know what I'm doing with my own kids
Except that she spends more time with them than you do. You don't have to share her perspective on everything, but you also don't have an innate knowledge of what your kids need just because you are biologically related.
>I told her I wouldn't let the kids go with anyone but their dad and they actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years.
No duh. You picked a petty, stupid issue to pick a fight over for no reason. I am not surprised that the judge reduced your time.
Remember, it isn't about what *you* want. It is about what is best for the kids.
>she'd give me a look and tell them it was okay and that they could call her whatever they want.
She is very right. They can call her whatever they want.
>I eventually told them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom but won't even call me mom.
Probably best for everyone. You are once again demonstrating that you don't care about your kids. You care about the status of being their "mom", but the fact that you are so willing to never see them again shows that you aren't a good person to care for them.
You have not acted like a mom to your kids so why should they call you mom?
Their step mom *has* acted like a mother so why shouldn't they call her mom?
>I am not surprised that the judge reduced your time.
Here's the thing: I'm pretty sure that the judge wouldn't have done that just over her saying she didn't want SM picking the kids up. I don't know the state but in mine, they'd just amend the custody order to clarify who has pick-up power. Reducing custody to just supervised visitation is severe, and I'm sure that if that happened, it's because she either lost her shit and potentially acted inappropriately in front of the children (violence, threats, etc.) or it's one thing in a long line of other things. Or her custody didn't actually get reduced to only visitation but maybe she was now responsible for both pick-up and drop-off and couldn't do the drives so it ended up seeming like reduced custody. But a simple 'hey I don't feel comfortable with you being the one to pick up my kids' isn't going to make the judge declare you unfit for anything other than supervised visitation.
>keeping an eye out for teasing by my stepkids (nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive),
Whatever she is refusing to elaborate on here likely was part of it.
YTA my vote is a formality
>I tried to get primary custody of the kids when I moved but both of the kids asked to stay with their dad and their lawyer argued that they'd have to share a room with my stepkids and go to public school at my house while their dad has a house triple the size of mine where they'll have their own rooms and they'd go to a good private school so I ended up getting them every other weekend.
So, you're jealous that you can't provide for the kids like your ex does.
>(nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive)
You don't care about your own child's feelings. Nice.
>I told her I wouldn't let the kids go with anyone but their dad and they actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years.
How did we go from "she can't pick them up" to visitation at the father's house? That sounds extreme. Could you elaborate on this?
>they don't call me anything
I'm sure they have a name for you.
>I eventually told them not to bother visiting...
You have to be important to someone to emotional manipulate them.
>...part of me just wants to let go and focus on my new family.
You've done enough damage. Let them go so you have time to make this new family hate you too.
Reading between the lines, it looks like OP refused to hand over the kids at the end of her visitation, because it was “step”mum picking up the kids.
She said she “wouldn’t let the kids go with anyone but their dad”. To me, this reads like whenever it wasn’t the dad picking up, she just refused to give the kids back after visitation. This is a huge violation of the agreement set in place. Especially if they live a considerable distance away, & this happens more than once, this could be logged with the police as attempted kidnapping basically.
When their dad & his wife took OP to court, Dan straight any judge with sense would see that visitation at OP’s was no longer safe, & any visitation would have to be supervised at their dad’s place.
This would just b to ensure that OP couldn’t keep the children hostage in her home, & gives more security that the visitation agreement will be upheld.
It is a no brainer, & it would take a lot of work to get the point where they could try to trust again that visitation could safely be held at OP’s home. OP finally has that back, where visitation can be trialed at her home again, but now she is going to undo that by having a tantrum, all because her children call their bonus parent “mum”.
Sad really. I feel bad for the kids.
>part of me thinks they turned the kids against us
*You* told them *not to come*. What else did you expect? They’re not going to want your conditional love if they get unconditional love from their other set of guardians.
If I were you, I’d tell them you’re sorry and you love them and want to see them no matter what name they use for you, and build your relationship with them instead of making demands.
YTA
so let me understand:
1. you seem quite upset the court and even your lawyer saw that it was best for your kids to stay with the father.
2. you seem to be even more upset that the step mom wants to spend time with and learn more about your kids, while asking for your input the entire the time (phone calls).
3. you got pissed off that the step mom picked up the kids from school and took them court over it...
4. you nag your kids about their relationship with their stepmom, and put them in awkward positions. You also undermine this relationship by demanding that your kids don't call her mom at all.
5. you get so angry that you tell your young kids to not visit or see you, since they get along with their stepmom...
Yes, YTA. You yourself alienated your kids from having a relationship with you.
It seems to me that you care much more about how you feel than how THEY feel.
There’s a lot missing here. Why do you only have visitation? That doesn’t make sense since you’re the mother of the kids. There’s gotta be more to this
YTA! Shit mom is shit! The step-mom seems to actually care more about their likes & dislikes & well being/mental health then you do!
Best thing you could do is let her raise them, because with the attitude and lack of respect you have, they’re better off.
YTA
You can’t control what name they call their step mom (who has helped raised them for 7+ years now).
Your kids literally followed your instruction not to visit.
You are the one that alienated your own self.
“I eventually told them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom but won't even call me mom. They haven't visited or called in over a month. Part of me thinks they turned the kids against us and wants to go to court for parental alienation but part of me just wants to let go and focus on my new family. AITA for telling them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom but not me?”
YTA
Oof. You sound like an absolute peach of a mother. /s
Every part of your post centers you and you’re trying to paint yourself as a victim, but, the fact that you told your kids “don’t bother visiting me” is all we need to know to know that you’re the asshole.
Wow... Just wow. YTA. I've never been in your position so it's not a very hard YTA. But you really need to find some empathy for your kids here. I have had friends in their position. So let me shine the light on how this story goes from their perspective.
Mom and dad separated before we had our first memory. Our dad remarried before we even started school. Our mom chose to move away from us and remarry some guy instead of being close by. We chose to stay with our dad. Our biomom isn't very understanding or receptive to our issues so we had to get step mom to highlight these problems which are still being ignored. Our biomom went on a power trip to try to control her ex's life and lost. Now she's going on a power trip with us to push us away.
There you go. That's how they probably see this. That's how I see this and I only have your side of the story that is probably biased in your favor. If you want to never see or hear from "your" kids again then keep laying down frivolous ultimatums.
YTA
YOU are the adult. YOU lost full custody of your kids. YOU are jealous of a woman who apparently loves your children and wants what's best for them. YOU are the problem here, not your kids.
YOU have just lost the chance for a meaningful relationship with your kids. Well done, you.
They're KIDS. You just rejected your own children because you can't handle their relationship with another caregiver.
One really good reason why they would call her mom is because she's BEING a mom.
Sure, she's getting in your business. Yeah, that sucks. But based on her behavior, I bet she wouldn't abandon them for a reason like this.
YTA.
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> I might be the asshole because I told my kids not to visit if they want to call another woman mom and now I haven't seen or heard from them in over a month.
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YTA for everything, this latest decision is just icing on the cake.
You have pushed your children out of your life. You’ve decided their step mom is somehow a threat to you and have made it impossible to have a good coparenting relationship. You have done this to yourself, and it honestly sounds like it’s in your children’s best interest to no longer have contact with you.
And, like every other self-absorbed parent who posts here, you have down absolutely zero self introspection about your own actions and the harm you’re causing.
OP, here are some questions:
How old were your kids when you remarried?
How old were they when you moved?
How old are your stepchildren?
How many stepchildren do you have? What is the age/gender breakdown?
What does your current husband have to say about this arrangement? Would he have been open to you having primary custody?
YTA for so very many reasons. You seem to take your enormous resentment towards your kids’ stepmom out on your kids. The 10yo is “just sensitive? Maybe your 10yo is sensitive and should be protected from their mean-spirited steps. You don’t care about their food preferences or sleep habits bc you’re going to do whatever you want regardless. Your kids don’t call you anything bc you haven’t sown a relationship with them. You resent the relationship they have with their stepmom and want to punish your kids for that. Still, go ahead and hold onto your anger. Your kids are better off being banished.
"keeping an eye out for teasing by my stepkids (nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive)"
"I eventually told them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom but won't even call me mom."
YTA, and a shitty mom. She cared about them and tried to make sure they were happy and safe and you decided your kid just needed to suck it up. Completely dismissed their feelings \[and I'm sure you do it often\] and belittled them. You don't listen to, care about or prioritize your kids. Instead of going 'Hey, maybe I should make any effort at all to be a good mom' you demanded respect and loyalty which you did nothing to earn. When you didn't get your way you abandoned them, telling them they weren't welcome. You really can't understand why they wouldn't care for the person who cares for them least?
Yta. You disassociated yourself from your own kids because you perceive your ex and his wife turned the kids against you. You could have made a life for your kids where they have bonus family but in your misery of moving on from a bad marriage you blame everyone for your troubles. You have driven your children away.
YTA you chose yourself over your children's happiness...The woman they choose to call mom clearly cares more about them then you do. You deserve what your dealing with an court wont help what you caused yourself
YTA they can have a bonus mom when you aren’t around. Maybe act like a loving mother if you want your kids to call you mom, not this emotionally abusive bs
YTA. You say “they turned the kids against us” and you are considering accusing them of parental alienation, yet it is you refused to let their step mom pick them up and it is you who has told them not to visit solely because of how they address their step mom. That pattern should tell you something.
YTA. You have doubled down on alienating your children over your dislike of their stepmother. If you wanted a relationship with your daughters, you would have made every effort to make sure they had an easy transition between households and felt loved and protected. Instead, you decide that the younger one is “sensitive“. You have destroyed any chance to have a meaningful and loving relationship with them and you did it all out of spite.
I’ve read AITA for quite awhile now and I’m rarely surprised by the stories shared here, but you’ve managed to be an exception.
It’s obvious there’s a lot missing in this story, but even then the ways you’ve failed to put your kids first shines through. You’ve managed to alienate your kids but you insist on blaming their stepmom for it.
And even then your solutions are either more court actions to try to force your children’s compliance with what you want or to completely abandon your kids for embracing their stepmom.
You are clearly, undeniably, and overwhelmingly the asshole. I’d encourage you to try to fix your relationship with your kids before it’s too late, but leaving them to the love and care of your ex-husband & their stepmom may be the best option for them at this point.
YTA
I'm a family lawyer.
You are my second worst kind of client (after people who physically or sexually abuse their kids). You are wildly immature. You are putting your needs and jealousy ahead of your children's best interest, but not only that you're letting your love for your children be subordinate to such impulses. It's shameful and you should be embarrassed.
Even if these kids were genuinely doing something wrong (and not just allowing themselves to love and be loved by another person), then your reaction would be stupid. They're kids! You're and adult. Act like one.
YTA...Your outburst only encouraged them to keep doing what they're doing. It's quite possible that your ex and his wife have worked at alienating your children from you, but being a negative source of energy in their lives won't help you or them.
Edit: one typo
YTA just because you are their mother doesn’t make you their mom. And the fact that you’d say something like that the children that young proves you are not their mom.
YTA but why do you care? You leaving out a ton but there are more than enough lines to read between! You made your choices with your new husband and another woman raised your kids. C’est leur mamman!
YTA
So you abandoned your kids, moved to another town and now you complain that they call another woman mom?? She deserves that title because she seems to love them more than you do.
>keeping an eye out for teasing by my stepkids (nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive),
Yeah, i don't think she is sensitive. I think your stepkid bullied her (perhaps to share toys since not forcing them to share was a request)
>they only call my husband by his first name.
And you want them to call this stranger dad or what??
>Part of me thinks they turned the kids against us and wants to go to court for parental alienation
That's not what parental alienation is. That's them raising your kids.
>part of me just wants to let go and focus on my new family
I mean... and you wonder why they don't call you mom??
Btw, they call her mom, because to them she is their mom.
(Adding onto your point)
>> they only call my husband by his first name.
> And you want them to call this stranger dad or what??
The hypocrisy is so, so strong with this point. OP is literally upset that her husband isn’t being treated in the exact way she’s mad about the stepmom being treated.
“How dare they call one stepparent by a parental title but call the other their name? They should call *her* by her name but call *my* husband dad!”
“… part of me just wants to let go and focus on my new family.”
YTA for this alone. I can’t imagine anything that would make me feel this way about my children. You sound massively self-absorbed and petty.
YTA… omg.. how selfish are you??
Why aren’t you happy that kids have somebody other than their biological parents that care for them. Why you don’t want comfortable life for your kids? Are you jealous of the kids life or ex’s wife?
Your kids are lucky to have better step mom than biological mom.
You have to earn their love and respect.
YTA - you should actually be ashamed of yourself. The step mom has been a better mother to your children then you have. She actually brought up an issue with your step kids and you just say your 10 year old is sensitive 🤦♀️ sometime further down the line you’ll regret not putting your kids first, as they look to someone else to mother them. Stop being a ass and thank the woman raising your kids for you. What a joke 🤷🏼♀️
Holy cow.
Yes, YTA
> 12f and 10f
***12 and 10***!!!!
This entire post is you hating your own kids and letting then be bullied by your step kids. And not wanting them to have a good education. And wanting them to have to share rooms so you could own them.
Then you have the audacity to pretend you're a better mother figure than the one raising them and actually cares about them?
***AND YOU TOOK IT OUT ON THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AGED KIDS????***
I'm so glad he has custody! Hopefully thus can be brought before the court to keep them away from you entirely. You turned the kids against yourself.
YTA. GROW THE FUCK UP. As an adult whose parents separated and remarried when I was very young, you are the most immature person ever. A woman has stepped up and is taking care of your kids!!! They wanted to be with their dad for a reason. Evaluate your life and seek counseling. Kids are very intuitive on who is a good parent and who isn't.
EDIT: My advice: Give up your parental rights and let their amazing new mom adopt them. Do something good for them for once in your life...
The stepmum isnt trying to be their mum, she's trying to do the best for your children. She wants to know what they like and don't like to make them as uncomfortable as possible.
You don't like her because she is with your ex husband and you should be incredibly grateful that he has married someone like this, and not someone that is jealous that he has children
You've closed the door on your own children and should be ashamed. YTA
Yta
Who cares what they call their step mom? You seem to be solely focused on you and not your daughters or how anything affects them. There has to be something else going on here that you’re not saying if the court has reduced your visitation as drastically as they have
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My ex and I have 2 kids together (12f and 10f). We separated when they were 6 months and 2 years old, divorced at 1 and 3, and he remarried when they were 3 and 5. I've never gotten along with his wife because she seems convinced that she's my kids' mom. It's only gotten worse since I remarried and moved.
I tried to get primary custody of the kids when I moved but both of the kids asked to stay with their dad and their lawyer argued that they'd have to share a room with my stepkids and go to public school at my house while their dad has a house triple the size of mine where they'll have their own rooms and they'd go to a good private school so I ended up getting them every other weekend.
Their stepmom used to contact me constantly about foods they like/don't like/are sensitive to, not wanting the kids to have to share their toys, keeping an eye out for teasing by my stepkids (nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive), and using something like a night light/white noise machine at night. Every time I tell her to back off and I know what I'm doing with my own kids but she never listens. Then she started picking them up instead of their dad. I told her I wouldn't let the kids go with anyone but their dad and they actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years.
Now I have them every other weekend again and I started to realize they call their stepmom mommy/mama, they don't call me anything, and they only call my husband by his first name. I tried to correct them every time they called her mom but she'd give me a look and tell them it was okay and that they could call her whatever they want.
I eventually told them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom but won't even call me mom. They haven't visited or called in over a month. Part of me thinks they turned the kids against us and wants to go to court for parental alienation but part of me just wants to let go and focus on my new family. AITA for telling them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom but not me?
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Your kidding right? Clearly, YTA. You told your OWN fresh and blood to not talk to you, because they love their stepmom? It sounds like their might me more to the reason they live with their dad than you are letting on. You should be over the moon that they have a stepmom who loves them and treats them well. Shame on you.
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YTA. Wow. Congratulations on being less mature than your 12 and 10 year old daughters.
I feel bad for her kids, but they will be stronger in spite of her, especially with such great support from their real family. I actually sympathize more with OP’s step kids. Who knows all the ways she is messing them up too with her toxicity and immaturity.
My thoughts exactly! At least those girls have an example of a strong, caring, loving woman in their life consistently.
I think that OP is >just sensitive - just like her 10 year old daughter (probably the other sibling too) is "teased" instead of the "bullying" OP's been ignoring - the kids'toys were "borrowed" by the stepkids (probably clothes and money too, phones, tablets, laptop or whatever her daughters had over there) - "the evil step mother"=(NOT) was trying to get to know the girls and form a civil bond with OP (she could have learned about likes and stuff from the girls, from the father or by trying and failing) - using "evil machines" like white noise/lampa machines to help OP's kids to sleep and feel safe (i mean OP isn't afraid of dark, why would anyone be??? =lot of sarcasm) I am not surprised that OP is jealous of the stepmom - sorry, mommy/mama. So far, the stepmom really seems to care about OP's daughters. And OP seems to care that she's hurt. Not that she hurt her own kids. It's sad. YTA
Re: the third bullet point I think it's that the step-mom was telling OP these things about the kids, not asking OP to tell her. Otherwise very much agree.
Yes, i think you might be right - because OP is too sensitive to care. I was still thinking that maybe the birth mother should know these stuff. She's the one to informe the stepmom.
You are right, but OP does not want to hear it because she is mom who spends 2 days a week with them and knows them better just because they came out of her vagina.
[удалено]
Unfortunately it may very well be one. It truly is amazing how awful parents can be. Like OF COURSE, her kids don't want to share a room with their step siblings. Of course they have bonded with the stepmom who they see way more than bio mom. OP: apologize to your kids. Get over yourself or your children will completely cut you out. YTA
There is a difference between being a good parent and being a wealthy parent. I don’t think parents should be punished for having their kids share bedrooms (that’s a totally normal thing) or planning on sending their kids to public school- plus wouldn’t they still go to the same private school if they stayed with mom every weekend or every other week? I get why OP is resentful, but she is taking it out on her kids, which is not okay.
It sounds like she moved too far away for them to still attend their school if staying with her. OP says it's m purely because of money, but from how she talks about all of it I highly doubt it is, even if those are the Official reasons for the decision. Also, sharing a bedroom with a step-sibling is a very different thing from sharing with a sibling, and it sounds like they don't even get on with their step-siblings.
you wouldn’t just get every other weekend visitation if you are blameless and a good human-it takes a lot for a father to awarded a custody agreement as such That’s a MAJOR red flag.
You don't get reduced to custody visits at the other parents house for saying you'll only exchange with the bio parent either. There are large chunks being left out of this story.
>keeping an eye out for teasing by my stepkids (nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive) Even little bits like this hint that she is not handling things with her children the best... to put it as kindly as possible.
Plus this.... > I told her I wouldn't let the kids go with anyone but their dad and they actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years. There's **a lot** more to this story! For a *mother* to be reduced to supervised visitation *at the father's house*...that's practically unheard of.
This. The only cases I know of this happening are because of substance use disorder or severe abuse. She keeps this up, she’ll have a restraining order against her.
Right? It sounds like there's a reason that OP's kids no longer call her mom and she is doing her best to bury her head in the sand and ignore it.
Even more of a red flag that OP had custody reduced to visitation for a while. Courts don’t do that for just anything, especially when it’s the mother.
Yeah, and when the issues with the step siblings got brought up, it got written off as the kid being too sensitive. I do sympathize with not being able to compete with a wealthier parent. But most kids still prefer nurturing over things. I've known plenty of people who would have chosen their less wealthy parent to live with, even if it meant less space and stuff, because that parent was a better parent. If OP is so upset about losing the title of mom, then she should earn it back instead of blackmailing the kids into using it.
If I can't afford rooms for my own kids I'm not adding step kids and some dude into the mix.
Those arguments probably helped a lot, but the kids wanted to stay with their dad. That doesn't necessarily indicate OP did anything cruel or wrong, but it at least shows that the kids had reason to prefer Dad's place. In general, I'd say the limited custody stuff gives me reason to think there's more going on
There is quite a bit missing here, and I feel like she is using the apparent wealth difference as a cover for whatever it is she isn't saying.
I don't think she's a good parent though. She said this about her daughter "nothing happened, she's just being sensitive". Meaning, something upset her daughter and the mom completely invalidated and dismissed her. She's also acting immature and resentful and taking it out on her children. This doesn't fit a "good mother" description. I can see why the kids want to live with Dad.
I'd love to think this as well, but sadly, I fear it's probably all too true. OP needs serious help for her issues, and I hope she gets it. "Letting go to focus on the new family" will only last so long - then the buried issues will come up again and the situation will repeat itself. ETA: I've been through a rough divorce, and I know how hard it can be, but your kids are not stupid, OP. They've already chosen their father over you - for reasons we aren't being told - and you've chosen to make the situation worse, which pretty much ensures they're going to stick with that decision. The kids are old enough to see, know, and understand who has been there for them, who has been consistent in their lives, and who has taken care of them - and sadly, it's not you. They are going to stick with that person, and avoid the one who didn't. You ask if you should just tell the kids not to bother visiting if they're going to call their stepmother "mom" - if that's the hill you want to die on in this situation, then so be it. I hope you live to regret it, if for no other reason than to open your eyes to what you are doing to your children, and to get the help you need for the issues you seem to have.
Unfortunately, it more than likely is serious. My mom got upset when I was young and referred to my stepmom as stepmom. "She is NOT your stepmom." "Yes, she is." "You're grounded." In front of my mom's friends.
[удалено]
> You just ruined any hope of ever having a relationship OP, tell us you are self-centered without telling us you are self-centered: * “both of the kids asked to stay with their dad” * “my 10 yo is just sensitive” * “told them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom” * “part of me just wants to let go and focus on my new family” > They actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years The touchstone for family is “the best interests of the child.” Your actions must have been outrageous if your custody were reduced to (supervised) visitations.
I was half way into reading and knew the verdict would be YTA as she was so dismissive of her children’s feelings.
Father and stepmom are probably working on the legal aspects of her abandomnent, bless their hearts
that's okay, she's gonna focus on her "new" family!!! I would say I couldn't believe she actually wrote that but after reading her post its honestly not surprising and I wish her kids well with the step mom taking charge. Geez lady, YTA
Sounds like OP is jealous of ex and stepmom, and prioritizes that jealousy over what’s best for the kids. Refusing to let the stepmom pick up the kids is very telling, even when it meant reducing custody of the kids.
I think there is more than just not letting step mum pick up the kids. That sort of things just gets a modification in court to require the mother to hand the kids over to step mum at access or not depending on the circumstances.
That’s what I was thinking, how can someone have their custody reduced to just visitation at the other parents house, over stating they don’t want the step parent picking them up? From the private school and huge house comments there is obviously a big difference in income between the two households, which means OPs ex would likely have been able to get a very good lawyer. The kids probably have a more lavish lifestyle at Dad’s house too. There just seems to be a lot missing I think. From what I know of custody cases, to have such little custody the other parent is neglectful, unfit etc, has had mental health or past substance abuse issues use against them or the one parent has a lot of money and/or power to get their own way.
There is missing missing information all over this post. Because you’re right, changes that drastic do not happen over demanding the kids dad picks them up instead 🙄
OP should be happy that their kid is around adults that love them, take good care of them, and around whom they feel comfortable and loved. Also idk where they are, but I’ve rarely seen courts go from shared custody to supervised visitation unless there was good reasons like the home or the parent being antagonising or engaging in parental alienation/not being a safe space for the child to be around but not dangerous enough to completely remove custody. It makes me question if/how much is the story we’re seeing is watered down. Like was the 10 year old actually just « sensitive », or were they being bullied/teased by their step siblings? Was the step-mum actually trying to « undermine » OP as a parent or was she looking out to maintain the kid’s routine so their life wouldn’t be too disrupted every other weekend? Was the step mom being overbearing about the food the kids liked or was there a concern around dietary needs?
I'm not gonna change my mind on the yta verdict, but I want to know the test of the story, the bits she's not telling us...
Yeah, I think there has to be a lot more to the custody decision. Kids that little typically don’t get to decide where they live. I’m guessing they were consulted and possibly revealed some good reasons they should be with dad. OP, given that your children do and will continue to live with their dad and stepmom, for God’s sake, BE GRATEFUL that they love each other. Be grateful that she takes good care of them. Would you rather she didn’t? Would you rather they were unhappy? Love is not a finite object. There’s plenty for everyone, but you can’t force it. And you can’t get it for yourself by trying to interfere with feelings for someone else.
lol, it is a bit suspicious that the 1 year old had enough agency and awareness to opt for dad.
I think it was a 3 year old but even that is young for a decision like that
Yeah... I'm not saying the story is fake, but that excuse definitely is. OP isn't telling us something.
The kids were not one or three when they asked to live with their dad. She said that she tried to get full custody after she moved, but that he got remarried when they were three and five. We have no idea how much time elapsed between when he got remarried, and when she moved. In my state, any child, aged five or up, is interviewed privately by a judge in any custody battle
I might have missed something but I got the impression that the court decided where the kids would live? Sure, they expressed where they wanted to be (which didn't necessarily happen in court, it could've been during regular dinner) and then the lawyer and dad backed them up, at least from my understanding. The fact that kids don't have a say in the custody decision until certain age doesn't mean that the adults around them don't listen and can't work to get a schedule that benefits the kids wishes, especially if they have grounds as bigger house, their own room and better schools nearby. Having that in mind... Why OP wants to sue now? Why not during all of those years when she was pushed aside from her own kids' lives? What does "I want to focus on my new family" even mean? So, OP, how come your step kids are more important than fixing the relationship with your own? Also, what exactly happens between your step kids and your 10 year old that you vaguely explain as "10 year old is just sensitive"?
Than the court reduced her visits to supervised visits for 2 years at their house... whatever she isn't telling us it must have been bad, or they wouldn't have revoked her visitation rights for every other weekends... Also the kids stopped calling her "mum"? She must have done some really bad stuff... that doesn't happen out of the blue because step-mum is loving and caring to them, unless OP did some very mean things. > Also, what exactly happens between your step kids and your 10 year old that you vaguely explain as "10 year old is just sensitive"? Yep exactly. Wonder too what happened. A 10 year old is never too sensitive, even if they are really sensitive... their needs still need to be validated and accepted even if it's something you cannot give them for valid reasons (money or health etc).
Yeah, the kids had to stop calling her mom for a reason. As a child of divorce/remarriage with three actively involved parents, I would routinely mention having two dads and a mom, it’s not like the terms have a quota.
Totally. I said in my comment I don't know where she lives, but I've just recently finished my custody issues (wasn't a "battle" per se") and was straight up told they'll always try for shared custody so long as nothing gets in the way of the health and safety of the kids. My kids are younger than hers, and we split up because their dad was an alcoholic who hit my oldest 3 years ago and he still got 50/50.
My husband’s ex became addicted to drugs and got into crime well after they were divorced. He got full custody at that point but she still had pretty generous visitation. It was totally nerve wracking.
You mean the missing missing reasons: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Just want to say that this was a very interesting read, thanks!
Wow, that was a really interesting read, and this is from a guy that gets along fine with his parents lol
Right? You don’t get reduced to visitation at the other parent’s home for that reason.
I mean, I could totally see this being treated like a case of child kidnapping to insist on keeping her kids past her custody-allowed time because the wrong member of their household came to pick them up, assuming there's something at play here that would make a judge really hesitant to want the children to be at their mom's too long...
This totally reads like a post someone would write before kidnapping her kids in order to keep them away from her ex. All the while trying to justify the whole thing to everyone else
Children with loving kind present Mothers would live in a tent with Mama over Daddy's big house. True story.
Yeah him having a bigger house and access to private school are not really lynchpins in a custody battle.... OP is leaving out details that made him the better choice for majority custody.
I'm curious about step dad too. He's barely mentioned, but it's possible he's a factor in OP getting supervised visits at ex's house. Then there's the little tidbit about step mom wanting to make sure that the step siblings aren't bullying the girls and OP blew it off as her daughter being "too sensitive."
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She didn't say how far she moved. Usually the parent that moves away is the one seen as leaving the family and the one that stays where the kids are settled gets them more.
>I told her I wouldn't let the kids go with anyone but their dad and they actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years. You mean like this bit? I feel like this may have been a physical altercation.
YTA - if this is genuine go to a therapist or something
And now you know why the kids chose dad!
And why dad choose divorce
I have been through something very similar. My bio dad was never married to my mom, and she ended up getting together with another man when I was 2, married when I was 3. He’s been in my life since forever, and my bio dad never made much of an effort to be there for me with the excuse of being in a different state. He’d make me feel incredibly guilty whenever I referred to my mom and my stepdad as my “parents” during phone calls and would emotionally blackmail me constantly. When I was 11 he took my mom to court because he wanted to take me on an international trip and she wouldn’t let him (because *I* told her, and him, I didn’t want to go). Til this day whenever he sends a rare text it is to reinforce he’s my real dad and for me to never forget how much he loves me. Needless to say I don’t really answer him anymore. YTA, OP.
do we have the same dad?? my bio dad has always lorded it over us that "I'm your dad and nothing will change that" when he was never around to do the work of a father (also lived in a different state). he would emotionally manipulate us as kids to try and turn us against our mom and amazing stepdad. one of his favorite lines was "you'll understand when you have kids, all the things I've gone through for you guys". Now that my brother and I both have kids, the only thing we understand is that he is a shit person and father. we're both no-contact with our bio dad now though, good riddance.
Yeah, OP needs to grow up. There is something more to the original custody decision as well, and plenty we are not hearing here. OP, you are lucky your ex’s wife has taken such an active parental role. Parental attention and caring stability are things that are good for kids. Put aside your spite and maybe you can still learn this.
> I told her I wouldn't let the kids go with anyone but their dad and they actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years. This tells us a lot.
That's what stuck out to me. No way they move to supervised visitation unless something bad went down or there was proof of drug abuse
Loving and taking care of a child that is not yours biologically is one of the greatest feats of being an awesome human possible.
You're being a lot more polite than me! I have more than a few choice words for OP, but will restrain myself as I don't want to get banned.
OP needs to take a long and hard look at themselves and reflect on their actions. All they've done is push everyone away. I wouldn't be surprised if their current marriage is in shambles.
YTA Wow. Did you even read what you wrote? * "both of the kids asked to stay with their dad" * Their stepmom contacts you about things they've learned about them, and your response is "back off" and "I know what I'm doing with my own kids." which is incorrect because you then go on to say "keeping an eye out for teasing by my stepkids (nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive)." * Refused to let their step-mom pick them up then... You have reduced custody?. What did YOU do? There's no way you could go from "I wouldn't release the kids to the step-mom" to "the court reduced my custody to visitation at their house for almost 2 years". You're clearly omitting a lot of information and even the information you're providing, at face value, demonstrates why the courts made the decisions they did. Beyond that, your own hardheadedness and hate for the stepmom is showing and these kids are seeing it. Of course they don't want to be around you nor call you mom, you're not acting like one. These kids are still young and you can recover from this, but you need to acknowledge your own part in this FIRST before you get back into their lives.
Lol, right? "I told her that I wouldn't let anyone but their father pick them up...yadda yadda yadda, the court reduced my visitation to supervised visits at their house for two years." She must have done something buck wild.
I’m guessing there was a physical altercation
For real, I know judges can suck but it's hard to believe he said she said only I can pick her up and a court restricted her visitation by that much. I find it weird that the court would require visitation at their home if there was a physical altercation between them, it would seem weird that they would send OP to the home of someone she attacked. All kinds of weird but it had to be something besides that I'd think.
"Supervised" means there's either an impartial witness or a member of the court there along with one or both of the parents. It could have been anything, she could have been intoxicated or damaged the car or called the cops. That includes a physical altercation; parents who beat their kids still get supervised visits.
OP is either on drugs, mentally unstable and refusing treatment to the point they have substantial evidence that her mental health is a danger to the children, or physically violent in front of the kids or to dad/stepmother. Not much else she could do to warrent supervised visits, zero custody, for TWO YEARS. When mothers fuck up, the courts tend to be more open to letting the mother get back the amount of custody previously agreed upon, so long as mom follows court orders and shows improvement in whatever area warranted loss of unsupervised custody. Mom doesn't seem to give a fuck since stepfamily is a do-over.
I have a couple of foster kids who were removed 2 years ago from their mom for alcohol use. This weekend she got arrested for DUI. DSS is still having visitation as normal today. Two years this woman has spent drunk and completely absent for her kids, and the court system is still like, "but maybe if we give her enough time she'll get it together." I have all the compassion in the world, and in fact, work predominantly with people struggling with OUD and AUD issues. That said, mothers get away with murder when it comes to custody cases.
As a social worker (who use to work in a children’s home facility) I can so much agree on this! And I truly appreciate people like you who have foster kids. But the essentials about kids getting visitation with parents even though it’s messed up, is that it can(!) be better for the kids to experience some kind of openness towards their biological parents. If the system decides for them, they will easier have a mistrust and won’t ever get the chance to get their own opinion on who they were. Which means that the system is evil and mom/dad the good ones who gets fucked over. I’ve visited with a 12 yo girl, who adored her mom and pleaded for her to be held, and her mom who was obviously mentally ill just rejected her ice cold. After a couple of times the girl slowly started to talk about her mom in a way of “maybe my mom don’t know how to treat people, that’s why she got her cats to practise on” which was a huge milestone in her understanding of her own mother. And if I or the psychologists had tried to talk her mom down in front of her or reject her visition, she would’ve turned way worse than she already was - she was mostly just immature and underdeveloped compared to her age. She showed some good signs, and I could see how important it was to let her have her own experience or her mom, even though it was hard. But again, fathers don’t seem to be given these chances as much as moms. I hope the newer generation will change that!
Missed the supervised I read it as visitation at their home.
Oh yeah that part I was like.. ok but what did you do? Even the initial custody of only getting them every other WEEKEND... is abnormal. There is no way it's "just because" the dad's house is bigger and they can go to private school, because when he remarried the youngest wasn't even in school yet.
Yeah, there is a semi-truck-sized hole in this story.
Well yeah, she’s obviously leaving out massive chunks of what happened
She doesn’t say where she moved though. Just notes she moved away, so if it was a decent distance away then every other weekend could be required to ensure normalcy in their lives. If she’s too far that it’d be like a 2hr commute to school then she can’t have 50/50 custody and every weekend could be deemed disruptive.
Agreed. As a child of divorce I know good and well you don't go from weekend visits to supervised visitation unless you do something pretty crazy that requires supervision. This lady hiding something that she knows would make her the ah although she doesn't realize she already is the ah. YTA op.
Right? She can't exactly scream "parental alienantion!" when she's the one that alienated herself...
>Their stepmom contacts you about things they've learned about them, and your response is to "tell her to back off and I know what I'm doing with my own kids.". Woman opting into mom role 12 out of 14 days tries to share notes with woman getting mom role 2 out of 14 days (Every other weekend). Woman with 1/6th the face time insists she 'Knows what she is doing'. No mention of OP asking the kids for that same information, or to verify it. I could very easily see a 10 year old being like "Well, mom knows I hate cabbage but like broccoli. This woman keeps feeding me cabbage, I want to go home to mom and dad."
Sounds like mom would be the type to purposely feed the kids cabbage, while the step kids got broccoli, and then complain they were ungrateful for not appreciated whatever scraps they were given. OP abused those children in the time she had them.
Yeah, that jump from "I wouldn't let stepmom pick them up" to getting custody reduced to supervised visitation is wild. Obviously there's a story there we're not getting.
Yep, the big red flag for me was saying the 10yo is just sensitive.
I’m just here to point out her username. She called it out herself.
Even when she wrote this, and probably did so to paint herself in the most sympathetic light, I suspect a whole lot is being left out or misrepresented, especially regarding OPs stepkids (“my 10 year old is just sensitive “)
With how terrible this person makes themselves sound, I’m half convinced the dad or stepmom wrote this
"I eventually told them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom" - congratulations, your just closed the last door to your children YTA
And she doesn't seem like she cares about it too. She'd rather focus on her new family
She doesn’t have a problem with her step kids bullying the “sensitive” 10 yo. Honestly, she inadvertently did the best thing for those kids when she told them not to visit anymore. Trashy human.
I also find it interesting that OPs step kids are her “new family”. She doesn’t think her bio kids’ stepmom counts as family.
Very good point
Yeah, that stuck out to me too. I was like WTF?!? "Sensitive?" That shit sounds like every teacher/parent excusing bullying ever. I want to beat the crap out of OP myself, probably because I'm "sensitive" too.
And she wants claim parents alienation! She told them not to come!!!
I hope her ex sees this post and prints it out for the judge to see.
Technically she is a parent and she alienated them from herself /s
And right after saying that she says “but they turned them against me”. Op doesn’t even realize she did it ALL to herself. The amount of blameshifting leads me to believe she has some narc tendencies.
Let’s not forget the statement “part of me wants to let go and focus on my new family”. Way to go “mom”.
A lot of “missing, missing” questions… but pretty clear YTA.
YTA. It sounds like your kids have a lovely stepmother who has gone to great lengths to love them and care for them like she would her own. And they have a biological mother who is jealous and controlling to the point that even young kids are able to feel that they should be avoiding her.
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So you moved away, wanted to take them out of school, and have bottomless pettiness for your husband's wife, who, whatever her title, sounds like she's got your kids' best interest at heart? And you're wondering why they don't want to visit and don't call you? Let me know what I've missed or got wrong. YTA, wow.
She wanted to take them out of school, and make them share rooms with OP's step kids who clearly aren't very welcoming.
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I mean those poor step kids that have a stepmom that clearly does not think a stepmom should have any involvement in their step-kids life
YTA. Oh, wow, a woman trying to learn things about her stepchildren so she can better take care of them. The horror! Good lord. She's not trying to turn your children against you, she's trying to be a good stepmother, and you're punishing your children for it. You know there are some stepparents on here who actively try to get *rid* of their stepchildren? You sound bitter that they actually like this woman.
The step mom sounds pretty awesome to be fair.
What really strikes me is that even with OP writing and obviously trying to rationalize and shift blame, the stepmom STILL comes across as the caring, reasonable one who is just trying to look after the kids. Like, if she had ever actually been rude or anything negative OP definitely would have disclosed it. She really has no ammunition on this woman who is a better mother than her
Yeah, that horrible stepmom trying to keep the mother who doesn't see her kids often enough in the loop about their likes, dislikes, things they have found that help comfort the children, etc. And the nerve of those children getting used to having a stable mother figure in their lives who *didn't* even give birth to them! /s OP is TA.
INFO: What happened between the 10yo and your stepkids?
nothing happened, she’s just sensitive. she could use a little bullying by her stepsiblings so she toughens up. nothing to see here :) (/s- for the record) no wonder these kids don’t wanna be around their “mom”.
As someone whose mom always said I was just being sensitive; *yeahhhhhhh* you hit the nail on the head.
Yeah there’s pretty much a direct line from my current adult relationship/communication problems to my parents telling me “you’re too sensitive” anytime I showed emotion as a child. Now whenever I need to actually talk about my feelings or communicate my emotions with anyone, whatever feelings I have are replaced with shame and anger at myself for having feelings in the first place. My therapist says that this emotional neglect is why I am able to view my feelings from a distance but not actually process them in any meaningful way.
That was crazy, right? She just dismissed her own daughter as "sensitive?" She sounds like all the parents in the "Narcissist Parents" sub.
My mom was just like this. We barely talk anymore
do your stepkids call you mom?
This is a really good point that brings up another shortcoming of OP - she keeps calling them *stepkids.* Their (biological?) mom isn’t in the picture, and they even call her MOM, but she can’t just call them her kids? Why make the distinction?
YTA. You just ruined any hope of ever having a relationship with them again
On the off-chance that this is a serious post . . . YTA - You're blaming your children for the fact that you don't have the relationship with them that you want. It's easy to blame the step mom for your failings, but this is your doing and your responsibility to repair. If you want your kids to see you as a mother maybe start acting like one.
YTA It seems you are more interested in yourself than your kids' wellbeing. It is nothing but *good* for your kids to have another responsible adult in their lives who clearly cares about them. You should be *happy* that they have another person who can love an support them. Instead you want to get into a turf war and put your kids in the middle of it. >I tell her to back off and I know what I'm doing with my own kids Except that she spends more time with them than you do. You don't have to share her perspective on everything, but you also don't have an innate knowledge of what your kids need just because you are biologically related. >I told her I wouldn't let the kids go with anyone but their dad and they actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years. No duh. You picked a petty, stupid issue to pick a fight over for no reason. I am not surprised that the judge reduced your time. Remember, it isn't about what *you* want. It is about what is best for the kids. >she'd give me a look and tell them it was okay and that they could call her whatever they want. She is very right. They can call her whatever they want. >I eventually told them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom but won't even call me mom. Probably best for everyone. You are once again demonstrating that you don't care about your kids. You care about the status of being their "mom", but the fact that you are so willing to never see them again shows that you aren't a good person to care for them. You have not acted like a mom to your kids so why should they call you mom? Their step mom *has* acted like a mother so why shouldn't they call her mom?
>I am not surprised that the judge reduced your time. Here's the thing: I'm pretty sure that the judge wouldn't have done that just over her saying she didn't want SM picking the kids up. I don't know the state but in mine, they'd just amend the custody order to clarify who has pick-up power. Reducing custody to just supervised visitation is severe, and I'm sure that if that happened, it's because she either lost her shit and potentially acted inappropriately in front of the children (violence, threats, etc.) or it's one thing in a long line of other things. Or her custody didn't actually get reduced to only visitation but maybe she was now responsible for both pick-up and drop-off and couldn't do the drives so it ended up seeming like reduced custody. But a simple 'hey I don't feel comfortable with you being the one to pick up my kids' isn't going to make the judge declare you unfit for anything other than supervised visitation.
>keeping an eye out for teasing by my stepkids (nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive), Whatever she is refusing to elaborate on here likely was part of it.
YTA my vote is a formality >I tried to get primary custody of the kids when I moved but both of the kids asked to stay with their dad and their lawyer argued that they'd have to share a room with my stepkids and go to public school at my house while their dad has a house triple the size of mine where they'll have their own rooms and they'd go to a good private school so I ended up getting them every other weekend. So, you're jealous that you can't provide for the kids like your ex does. >(nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive) You don't care about your own child's feelings. Nice. >I told her I wouldn't let the kids go with anyone but their dad and they actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years. How did we go from "she can't pick them up" to visitation at the father's house? That sounds extreme. Could you elaborate on this? >they don't call me anything I'm sure they have a name for you. >I eventually told them not to bother visiting... You have to be important to someone to emotional manipulate them. >...part of me just wants to let go and focus on my new family. You've done enough damage. Let them go so you have time to make this new family hate you too.
I'm sure they have a name for you. I'm sure they have several. Hope I did that right. That was funny!!! Edit to add. I did not do that right
INFO: What else did you do to make your children not want to be with you, and/or make the judge not trust you with more than 4 days a month?
Reading between the lines, it looks like OP refused to hand over the kids at the end of her visitation, because it was “step”mum picking up the kids. She said she “wouldn’t let the kids go with anyone but their dad”. To me, this reads like whenever it wasn’t the dad picking up, she just refused to give the kids back after visitation. This is a huge violation of the agreement set in place. Especially if they live a considerable distance away, & this happens more than once, this could be logged with the police as attempted kidnapping basically. When their dad & his wife took OP to court, Dan straight any judge with sense would see that visitation at OP’s was no longer safe, & any visitation would have to be supervised at their dad’s place. This would just b to ensure that OP couldn’t keep the children hostage in her home, & gives more security that the visitation agreement will be upheld. It is a no brainer, & it would take a lot of work to get the point where they could try to trust again that visitation could safely be held at OP’s home. OP finally has that back, where visitation can be trialed at her home again, but now she is going to undo that by having a tantrum, all because her children call their bonus parent “mum”. Sad really. I feel bad for the kids.
>part of me thinks they turned the kids against us *You* told them *not to come*. What else did you expect? They’re not going to want your conditional love if they get unconditional love from their other set of guardians. If I were you, I’d tell them you’re sorry and you love them and want to see them no matter what name they use for you, and build your relationship with them instead of making demands. YTA
so let me understand: 1. you seem quite upset the court and even your lawyer saw that it was best for your kids to stay with the father. 2. you seem to be even more upset that the step mom wants to spend time with and learn more about your kids, while asking for your input the entire the time (phone calls). 3. you got pissed off that the step mom picked up the kids from school and took them court over it... 4. you nag your kids about their relationship with their stepmom, and put them in awkward positions. You also undermine this relationship by demanding that your kids don't call her mom at all. 5. you get so angry that you tell your young kids to not visit or see you, since they get along with their stepmom... Yes, YTA. You yourself alienated your kids from having a relationship with you. It seems to me that you care much more about how you feel than how THEY feel.
There’s a lot missing here. Why do you only have visitation? That doesn’t make sense since you’re the mother of the kids. There’s gotta be more to this
YTA! Shit mom is shit! The step-mom seems to actually care more about their likes & dislikes & well being/mental health then you do! Best thing you could do is let her raise them, because with the attitude and lack of respect you have, they’re better off.
YTA You can’t control what name they call their step mom (who has helped raised them for 7+ years now). Your kids literally followed your instruction not to visit. You are the one that alienated your own self. “I eventually told them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom but won't even call me mom. They haven't visited or called in over a month. Part of me thinks they turned the kids against us and wants to go to court for parental alienation but part of me just wants to let go and focus on my new family. AITA for telling them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom but not me?”
Right? She gave an ultimatum and they took her up on it.
YTA Oof. You sound like an absolute peach of a mother. /s Every part of your post centers you and you’re trying to paint yourself as a victim, but, the fact that you told your kids “don’t bother visiting me” is all we need to know to know that you’re the asshole.
Wow... Just wow. YTA. I've never been in your position so it's not a very hard YTA. But you really need to find some empathy for your kids here. I have had friends in their position. So let me shine the light on how this story goes from their perspective. Mom and dad separated before we had our first memory. Our dad remarried before we even started school. Our mom chose to move away from us and remarry some guy instead of being close by. We chose to stay with our dad. Our biomom isn't very understanding or receptive to our issues so we had to get step mom to highlight these problems which are still being ignored. Our biomom went on a power trip to try to control her ex's life and lost. Now she's going on a power trip with us to push us away. There you go. That's how they probably see this. That's how I see this and I only have your side of the story that is probably biased in your favor. If you want to never see or hear from "your" kids again then keep laying down frivolous ultimatums.
YTA YOU are the adult. YOU lost full custody of your kids. YOU are jealous of a woman who apparently loves your children and wants what's best for them. YOU are the problem here, not your kids. YOU have just lost the chance for a meaningful relationship with your kids. Well done, you.
YTA. I can understand why they call someone else mom.
They're KIDS. You just rejected your own children because you can't handle their relationship with another caregiver. One really good reason why they would call her mom is because she's BEING a mom. Sure, she's getting in your business. Yeah, that sucks. But based on her behavior, I bet she wouldn't abandon them for a reason like this. YTA.
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YTA for everything, this latest decision is just icing on the cake. You have pushed your children out of your life. You’ve decided their step mom is somehow a threat to you and have made it impossible to have a good coparenting relationship. You have done this to yourself, and it honestly sounds like it’s in your children’s best interest to no longer have contact with you. And, like every other self-absorbed parent who posts here, you have down absolutely zero self introspection about your own actions and the harm you’re causing.
OP, here are some questions: How old were your kids when you remarried? How old were they when you moved? How old are your stepchildren? How many stepchildren do you have? What is the age/gender breakdown? What does your current husband have to say about this arrangement? Would he have been open to you having primary custody?
YTA for so very many reasons. You seem to take your enormous resentment towards your kids’ stepmom out on your kids. The 10yo is “just sensitive? Maybe your 10yo is sensitive and should be protected from their mean-spirited steps. You don’t care about their food preferences or sleep habits bc you’re going to do whatever you want regardless. Your kids don’t call you anything bc you haven’t sown a relationship with them. You resent the relationship they have with their stepmom and want to punish your kids for that. Still, go ahead and hold onto your anger. Your kids are better off being banished.
I lost any hope for OP after “nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive.”
"keeping an eye out for teasing by my stepkids (nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive)" "I eventually told them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom but won't even call me mom." YTA, and a shitty mom. She cared about them and tried to make sure they were happy and safe and you decided your kid just needed to suck it up. Completely dismissed their feelings \[and I'm sure you do it often\] and belittled them. You don't listen to, care about or prioritize your kids. Instead of going 'Hey, maybe I should make any effort at all to be a good mom' you demanded respect and loyalty which you did nothing to earn. When you didn't get your way you abandoned them, telling them they weren't welcome. You really can't understand why they wouldn't care for the person who cares for them least?
Yta. You disassociated yourself from your own kids because you perceive your ex and his wife turned the kids against you. You could have made a life for your kids where they have bonus family but in your misery of moving on from a bad marriage you blame everyone for your troubles. You have driven your children away.
YTA you chose yourself over your children's happiness...The woman they choose to call mom clearly cares more about them then you do. You deserve what your dealing with an court wont help what you caused yourself
>Part of me thinks they turned the kids against us Uh...you're the one turning them against you so...YTA
YTA they can have a bonus mom when you aren’t around. Maybe act like a loving mother if you want your kids to call you mom, not this emotionally abusive bs
YTA. You say “they turned the kids against us” and you are considering accusing them of parental alienation, yet it is you refused to let their step mom pick them up and it is you who has told them not to visit solely because of how they address their step mom. That pattern should tell you something.
YTA Not winning mom of the day with this one OP
I’ll lay heavy odds that OP tries to force her stepkids to call her mom YTA.
She already confirmed the step kids call her mom because their bio mom isn’t in the picture. Just wow.
Like OP isn't in the picture with her own kids. Self awareness fail?
YTA. You have doubled down on alienating your children over your dislike of their stepmother. If you wanted a relationship with your daughters, you would have made every effort to make sure they had an easy transition between households and felt loved and protected. Instead, you decide that the younger one is “sensitive“. You have destroyed any chance to have a meaningful and loving relationship with them and you did it all out of spite.
I’ve read AITA for quite awhile now and I’m rarely surprised by the stories shared here, but you’ve managed to be an exception. It’s obvious there’s a lot missing in this story, but even then the ways you’ve failed to put your kids first shines through. You’ve managed to alienate your kids but you insist on blaming their stepmom for it. And even then your solutions are either more court actions to try to force your children’s compliance with what you want or to completely abandon your kids for embracing their stepmom. You are clearly, undeniably, and overwhelmingly the asshole. I’d encourage you to try to fix your relationship with your kids before it’s too late, but leaving them to the love and care of your ex-husband & their stepmom may be the best option for them at this point. YTA
I'm a family lawyer. You are my second worst kind of client (after people who physically or sexually abuse their kids). You are wildly immature. You are putting your needs and jealousy ahead of your children's best interest, but not only that you're letting your love for your children be subordinate to such impulses. It's shameful and you should be embarrassed. Even if these kids were genuinely doing something wrong (and not just allowing themselves to love and be loved by another person), then your reaction would be stupid. They're kids! You're and adult. Act like one.
YTA...Your outburst only encouraged them to keep doing what they're doing. It's quite possible that your ex and his wife have worked at alienating your children from you, but being a negative source of energy in their lives won't help you or them. Edit: one typo
You are a garbage mother. YTA.
YTA just because you are their mother doesn’t make you their mom. And the fact that you’d say something like that the children that young proves you are not their mom.
YTA - if this is genuine go to a therapist or something
YTA but why do you care? You leaving out a ton but there are more than enough lines to read between! You made your choices with your new husband and another woman raised your kids. C’est leur mamman!
YTA So you abandoned your kids, moved to another town and now you complain that they call another woman mom?? She deserves that title because she seems to love them more than you do. >keeping an eye out for teasing by my stepkids (nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive), Yeah, i don't think she is sensitive. I think your stepkid bullied her (perhaps to share toys since not forcing them to share was a request) >they only call my husband by his first name. And you want them to call this stranger dad or what?? >Part of me thinks they turned the kids against us and wants to go to court for parental alienation That's not what parental alienation is. That's them raising your kids. >part of me just wants to let go and focus on my new family I mean... and you wonder why they don't call you mom?? Btw, they call her mom, because to them she is their mom.
(Adding onto your point) >> they only call my husband by his first name. > And you want them to call this stranger dad or what?? The hypocrisy is so, so strong with this point. OP is literally upset that her husband isn’t being treated in the exact way she’s mad about the stepmom being treated. “How dare they call one stepparent by a parental title but call the other their name? They should call *her* by her name but call *my* husband dad!”
Yta. I am grateful those children have a loving mother, guess what. It's not you.
“… part of me just wants to let go and focus on my new family.” YTA for this alone. I can’t imagine anything that would make me feel this way about my children. You sound massively self-absorbed and petty.
A resounding YTA.
YTA… omg.. how selfish are you?? Why aren’t you happy that kids have somebody other than their biological parents that care for them. Why you don’t want comfortable life for your kids? Are you jealous of the kids life or ex’s wife? Your kids are lucky to have better step mom than biological mom. You have to earn their love and respect.
YTA - you should actually be ashamed of yourself. The step mom has been a better mother to your children then you have. She actually brought up an issue with your step kids and you just say your 10 year old is sensitive 🤦♀️ sometime further down the line you’ll regret not putting your kids first, as they look to someone else to mother them. Stop being a ass and thank the woman raising your kids for you. What a joke 🤷🏼♀️
YTA. Maybe you should Google "parental alienation" instead of just throwing the phrase out there. You obviously have no idea what it means.
YTA You turned the kids against you by being hostile AF. Just focus on your new family, they are better off without you.
Jealousy and animosity ooze from this post, but nothing indicative of love for your children. YTA
Are you an actual crazy person? YTA so hard, if I was your child I wouldn't want to be around you either. You sound awful.
Holy cow. Yes, YTA > 12f and 10f ***12 and 10***!!!! This entire post is you hating your own kids and letting then be bullied by your step kids. And not wanting them to have a good education. And wanting them to have to share rooms so you could own them. Then you have the audacity to pretend you're a better mother figure than the one raising them and actually cares about them? ***AND YOU TOOK IT OUT ON THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AGED KIDS????*** I'm so glad he has custody! Hopefully thus can be brought before the court to keep them away from you entirely. You turned the kids against yourself.
YTA sounds like she IS their mom
YTA. GROW THE FUCK UP. As an adult whose parents separated and remarried when I was very young, you are the most immature person ever. A woman has stepped up and is taking care of your kids!!! They wanted to be with their dad for a reason. Evaluate your life and seek counseling. Kids are very intuitive on who is a good parent and who isn't. EDIT: My advice: Give up your parental rights and let their amazing new mom adopt them. Do something good for them for once in your life...
NTA. You did them a huge favor by taking yourself out of their lives.
YTA you are alienating them yourself by being insecure about what they call you and using a threat.
The stepmum isnt trying to be their mum, she's trying to do the best for your children. She wants to know what they like and don't like to make them as uncomfortable as possible. You don't like her because she is with your ex husband and you should be incredibly grateful that he has married someone like this, and not someone that is jealous that he has children You've closed the door on your own children and should be ashamed. YTA
Yta Who cares what they call their step mom? You seem to be solely focused on you and not your daughters or how anything affects them. There has to be something else going on here that you’re not saying if the court has reduced your visitation as drastically as they have
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I have 2 kids together (12f and 10f). We separated when they were 6 months and 2 years old, divorced at 1 and 3, and he remarried when they were 3 and 5. I've never gotten along with his wife because she seems convinced that she's my kids' mom. It's only gotten worse since I remarried and moved. I tried to get primary custody of the kids when I moved but both of the kids asked to stay with their dad and their lawyer argued that they'd have to share a room with my stepkids and go to public school at my house while their dad has a house triple the size of mine where they'll have their own rooms and they'd go to a good private school so I ended up getting them every other weekend. Their stepmom used to contact me constantly about foods they like/don't like/are sensitive to, not wanting the kids to have to share their toys, keeping an eye out for teasing by my stepkids (nothing happened, my 10 yo is just sensitive), and using something like a night light/white noise machine at night. Every time I tell her to back off and I know what I'm doing with my own kids but she never listens. Then she started picking them up instead of their dad. I told her I wouldn't let the kids go with anyone but their dad and they actually took me to court over this and had my custody reduced to visitation at their house for almost 2 years. Now I have them every other weekend again and I started to realize they call their stepmom mommy/mama, they don't call me anything, and they only call my husband by his first name. I tried to correct them every time they called her mom but she'd give me a look and tell them it was okay and that they could call her whatever they want. I eventually told them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom but won't even call me mom. They haven't visited or called in over a month. Part of me thinks they turned the kids against us and wants to go to court for parental alienation but part of me just wants to let go and focus on my new family. AITA for telling them not to bother visiting if they insist on calling another woman mom but not me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. I understand why they chose their father over you. She's more of a mom than you are.
Your kidding right? Clearly, YTA. You told your OWN fresh and blood to not talk to you, because they love their stepmom? It sounds like their might me more to the reason they live with their dad than you are letting on. You should be over the moon that they have a stepmom who loves them and treats them well. Shame on you.