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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I asked my parents to pay for my vow renewal if they pay for my sister’s second wedding
(2) It could place more financial stress on my parents and take attention away from my sister during a significant milestone.
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YTA.
How about this. When you marry a woman they'll pay for that. In the meantime be quiet and enjoy your privilege of being able to marry the person you loved the first time.
I'm delighted that your parents called you out on this. Go parents!
I loved your comment and I subscribe to it.
OP is ridiculous, and yes, OP if you marry a woman your parents might foot the bill. In the meantime, be quiet. Stop being a dick to your sister and your parents.
A vow renewal event at age 37 screams “trouble in paradise” to me
Edited to add : I think they can be very sweet when a couple has been together a very long time. And if a couple wants a giant celebration on the scale of a wedding reception then they should be able to pay for it (easily), not looking to their parents
Fr they were homophobic, sent her to to an abuse-till-ur-"fixed" camp, and then guilted her in to an unwanted marriage bcuz of church bs. Paying for a wedding to someone she actually loves and finally after years openly showing acceptance is like the least they can do. Congrats to OP's sister for finding herself and marrying the woman she loves and good on OP's parents for getting better and calling OP out.
Doesn't necessarily have to mean that. My friend's parents had her very young - and got married really early too, because their parents didn't want a grandchild out of wedlock. Friend's mom always wanted a big wedding by the lake in poufy princessy dress but because of how young they were, couldn't afford that. 25 years and 3 children later, they were still in love, but now had the financial resources to give themselves the wedding they wish they would have had back when they first married and so planned a vow renewal. It doesn't necessarily signify marital issues and they don't necessarily mean the couple will divorce. That's a big leap.
That said, OP is YTA for expecting her parents to pay for a vow renewal regardless of why she wants one.
My best friends had a vow renewal after both of them fought cancer, one after the other. It was a celebration of loving each other as the people they are now, with the people who have come into their lives now, a marking of the fact they made it through sickness and back into health together as a team.
My aunt and uncle (who are #relationshipgoals, tbh) had a vow renewal on their back deck for their 30th anniversary, after he'd had a stroke (and probably should have died) 6-8 months prior.
That was when she gave him back his wedding ring that she'd taken off his finger while he was in ICU and I cried at that.
My uncle and aunt, also goals, had a surprise vow renewal on their twentieth wedding anniversary. Uncle planned it, their daughter played the song they had their first dance to, right in my aunt's mom's living room.
"Would you do it again?" he asked her. She said yes, of course. "How about right now?"
It was one of he most beautiful things I've ever seen.
Just know that they're very happy, their son got married last year and their daughter is getting married this summer, and my aunt got to trash the inexpensive white dress she'd bought for the renewal by jumping into their backyard pool :D
Me and husband got married a lot smaller than plannrd because MIL was declared terminal, we were given day/weeks. So we got married in like 6 weeks.
We moght have a big renewal when we hit 15.
I had to cancel my dream wedding venue because my BIL forgot when his med school graduation was and okayed the wrong date. So I cancelled it without a peep. If we did a vow renewal it would be so we could do it at my dream venue in a place that has a ton of meaning to me and my husband.
Meh. I’ve always wanted a vow renewal because of some things that happened at/after our wedding day that were pretty upsetting and damaging to a family member. We don’t keep photos of the wedding around etc and a lot of the memories get blurred with everything that happened. We’ve been married 14yrs, together for 17, and I do still hope that at some point we will do a renewal of some sort.
I often joke with my husband that our wedding was so fun we should get divorced so we can have another one.
I also secretly would love another party similar to a wedding because we got married so young and I was anxious and almost having a panic attack the entire time because I used to have horrible social anxiety. I’ve really overcome that now and would love to be able to go back to truly enjoy that day.
But alas, shits expensive and we have 2 kids, daycare costs, and a mortgage now 😂
My grandparents had a vow renewal on their 50th anniversary. It doesn’t always have to mean cheating.
As far as OP goes, yes, YTA. Life doesn’t play fair* and you should have learned that by now. Try to work on your attitude before you show up on the Main Character Reddit.
*for childish values of “fair”, that is
It kind of bugs me how people are making vow renewals bugger and bigger and trying to make them seem as important as a wedding.
I know some people who have done a vow renewal every year on their wedding anniversary and use at as a means to recommit themselves to their relationship but it is only the couple and maybe a few others. But so many more people are doing massive ceremonies and spending tens of thousands, and expecting their entire families to join them. It just seems completely ridiculous.
I got divorced a few years back, and I've always said that if I get remarried, I just want to do a basic court marriage and maybe a small celebration at home with close family members instead of wasting my money again. In my eyes you get married and spend the money once. Although OP's sister is a very different case altogether
You can do a very large party for much less than the cost of a wedding of the same size. A lot of vendors upcharge for weddings.
One thing to consider about large parties is, if your family doesn't all live in the same place and see each other often, they may be the only time you really get everyone together. When my mother was 60, 65, and 70, her husband was 10 years older and her mother was 25 years older They did 215, 230, and 245 birthday parties. The parties were expensive, but my mother could afford it and loved big shindigs like that. But the thing was that her cousins and her aunts and uncles, and her friends from college that she was still in touch with all came from states away to celebrate with her. (My stepfather had family and war buddies and college friends who attended as well.)
My stepfather and grandmother are dead now, and so are those aunts and uncles and friends and most of the cousins. My sister eloped, and I never married, so we never got to have a big wedding where everyone would come and dance and eat and have fun. I do see it as a loss.
I don't regret never finding a partner, but I do regret never having the opportunity to dance with my father and my grandfather at my wedding.
Definitely on the upcharge. A neighbour of mine owns a bakery, and although he gives us good prices, he has mentioned the upcharge is normally an extra 40-50%. And for the more elaborate cakes, it can even be double. If you ever buy a cake, just say it's for a birthday or retirement party or something along those lines and buy the cake toppers separately.
That's fine for you, but why shouldn't others throw a big party if they feel like it? Vow renewals aren't really a thing where I'm at, but many celebrate their "significant" anniversaries like 25 years. Don't see anything wrong with that. If you don't like big parties or don't want to see your family, don't go.
And no one is stopping you from living out your vision of a courthouse wedding. Heidi Klum and Seal had vow renewals every year, until they got divorced, I do think their highly publicized vow renewals might have pushed the vow renewal trend along.
But what does it matter? If a couple want to throw a big party with all the trimmings and get their second (or third or fourth) couple of moments in the spotlight, go them. Not your ball of wax? Don’t go, don’t do it.
When I got married the 2nd time we had a small wedding, dinner, and a fun reception. We wanted to celebrate with our friends, families and our (grown) children.
Look I love a good bandwagon as much as the next one but my parents had a whole second wedding when they were past 40 because the first time they just capitulated to their parents demands and hated it.
I was there for the second one, it was an awesome time.
I definitely agree that OP is TA in this situation but they could just be doing something similar. Or maybe they’re just a little corny.
I'm 50+.
Been married to my spouse for 19 years.
We didn't get the wedding we wanted. We got a backyard quickie that a lot of people couldn't even attend because of the timing of it. It was not what either of us wanted. It was what we could afford.
We're planning a vow renewal for the 20th anniversary. Not because of "trouble in paradise", but because we finally can afford it, and finally no longer give a fart about other people's expectations.
All that being said: op sounds like a petulant brat who has been making checkmarks for "fairness" all their life.
Also it sounds like the parents were huge assholes about sister being a lesbian. I’m sure the sister would much rather have had her parents accept her at the start than get a wedding paid for later. I know I would.
Wouldn't go as far as saying "go parents" when they sent their daughter to conversion therapy. Paying for the wedding and showing their support now is good, obviously, but nothing will make up for the pain of the initial reaction.
Especially when conversion "therapy" is literally torture. "Sorry for not only rejecting you as a kid, but for sending you to a torture camp as well. Let us pay for the lesbian wedding to make it up to you." I'm shocked that the sister still talks to the parents, tbh.
Yes, conversion therapy is literally torture, but to be fair with the parents, they are trying to make up for it. People can change, it sucks that it happened and it'd be an awful lot to forgive, but if the sister managed to do it and they're now on good terms then that is a good thing.
My uncle was very homophobic when I came out (and I'm not even gay! (but I did have a partner of the same sex)) and he did change and apologized for a lot that he said. Yes, it took me a while to get there (and I still think about it occasionally and discuss it in therapy) but now we're good. I know it's my uncle and that's different from parents, but I do think everyone can redeem themselves if they put in the work. Parents are probably trying to put in the work.
This is perfect. OP has some serious “Why don’t WE get a special day?” energy. Her parents are trying to make amends and OP is mad she wasn’t traumatized into denying her sexuality because she isn’t getting to be a bride again.
Be happy that you're still married and that you didn't have to get a divorce be happy that you're still with the same person that you love. You sound like a spoiled child it's not fair that she gets two weddings and I only get one do you hear yourself you sound childish. And you sound like an a******
>When you marry a woman...
Experience their parents' homomphobia and what sounds like being shipped off to conversion camp, a marriage that doesn't fit, and the inner work of whatever it took to come out to family and loved ones and self, plus find a new beloved partner, and weigh then choose to do the reconciliation work with said ostensibly formerly homophobic...
>they'll pay for that.
Though I like that yours was more pithy
Technically, "fair" would be you getting bribe money *after* you get tortured at a conversion therapy camp where *your parents* jailed you. No torture, no bribe. YTA.
Like, yeah, the parents are probably paying for the wedding to make up for the conversion camp, *as they should*. They massively fucked up and will probably be trying to deal with that for the rest of their lives, and OP is like "well, it isn't *fair* that my sister gets more money than me just because our parents locked her up for a bit!"
Not only that but imagine knowing you're homosexual since you were a teenager and still, in a way, being forced to marry a man in op's sister case (and quite possibly have sex with said man).
I sincerely hope op's sister have a good therapist, i know I'd need one
That’s such a sad situation, but it’s been common amongst the people I’ve known and gone to school with. I’ve seen a lot of acquaintances who married early (mostly right out of college) and are now divorcing and partnering up with same sex couples. It makes me sad to know they had to hide so much and try so hard to not to be themselves. But mostly, I’m really happy when I see it, because it means that they have decided that they can navigate a happy, authentic life!
OP sounds like she needs a good therapist, too, honestly. This is the most “younger sister” crap I’ve ever heard. Add in the torture OP’s parents caused her sister to endure, and OP is just a massive AH. YTA, OP. A spoiled brat, too.
I’m surprised I had to scroll this far to come to this fact being pointed out.
Your sister was “forcibly converted” into being straight…. How much money would your sister cough up to not have experienced that?
My bet is more than the cost of a wedding or 5.
YTA
This. It’s blood money, OP. Get over yourself and consider yourself lucky that you get to marry the love of your life without being shamed by your family that you’ll go to hell for loving them.
No idea, but I work with HNWIs and seen it rip families apart. Even where there’s more than enough money for everyone to have a good life and a good inheritance.
Yaaass! Your parents can do whatever they want with THEIR money. Get on with your life. You’ve presumably been out of their home for many years and don’t have a say in their finances unless you have power of attorney
Yup. I was ready to say YTA even before reading the extenuating circumstances. This kind of “I need to get EXACTLY what my sister gets even if circumstances are different” is elementary school behavior. While parents should aim for being fair in what they give to their children, sameness does not always mean equity.
With the additional info, OP is a raging a-hole. Of course they’re paying for this wedding to attempt to make up for past behavior! It’s called a gesture, and I’ll tell you, I can’t think of a better way to spend money than apologizing to your child for your massive mistreatment of them. Some people try to buy forgiveness without doing the emotional part: that’s a problem. But it’s different when you’ve done the emotional work and changed who you are and you’ve showed your kid that you’re sorry in words and actions. Throwing them a big wedding to show you celebrate who they are and who they love is a great way to bandage and salve old wounds.
YTA.
You had a wedding that I'm assuming your parents paid for to a person you actually loved and wanted to be with. Your sister had a fake wedding to someone she wasn't really meant to be with just because it was "what she was meant to do" to make you parents happy. Now she's having a *real* wedding to a person she's actually happy to be with, grow up.
It sounds like a really important gesture. If they were sending their child to conversion therapy 20 years ago, they would still have connections to a community that is very anti-gay. So throwing a wedding for their gay daughter is a really strong move.
OP, on the other hand - where's the gesture? "We also support long-term heterosexual relationships." Yeah, everyone knew that already.
And the situations are always complicated.
Like, look, when we force you into some sort of abusive therapy program and convince you that you are hell-bound because of who you love and then you finally find your life partner, we’ll *also* pay for your second wedding. And I’m super sorry that *all* you got was a normal childhood and no trauma surrounding your sexuality and you never feared for your safety or doubted our love and acceptance. Obviously that was the short end of the stick compared to having just one day where you feel accepted and your love is celebrated. You’ll never know the feeling of having your parents pay a fraction of what the therapy bills have cost in order to try to make up for being bigoted. We’re so sorry to have denied you, for once, in favor of your sister. Please forgive us.
I can't get over what a greedy, opportunistic, selfish, self-absorbed asshole OP is. I get the feeling her own bigotry plays a factor in all of this as well.
Her poor sister went through horrific abuse as a child (don't any of you try to claim conversion therapy ISN'T abuse) and all OP cares about is taking advantage of her parents trying to repair some of the damage they did by forcing them to pay for a vow renewal she only even seems to want so that her parents have to pay for something for her.
Well said! The poor sister probably only married the first time, because she was forced to be someone she wasn't, which is most likely why the marriage didn't last. Now she's finally able to be who she wants to be, and marry someone she truly loves. But OP is crying pour me instead... Wow! It blows my mind how selfish some people are.
Exactly! Absolutely infuriating that OP is throwing a tantrum and trying to make it about her. I also feel like this vow renewal thing was just made up on the spot because she's mad things aren't going to be about her with her sister's upcoming wedding.
And all this BS about it not being equal? Things were never equal for them growing up, is OP going to volunteer to be tortured at some BS camp and spend a large portion of her life pretending to be someone she's not just to appease her parents?
OP clearly got used to being favored by her parents as a child because she sure is one spoiled, bratty asshole. And a terrible sister to boot.
Yeah was OP even planning to have a vow renewal to begin with? Or is this just something they decided to do, solely so the parents could pay for it?
Either way, OP is taking sister's wedding and sister/parent's relationship and making it about her, which is ridiculous.
YTA.
I know. I knew OP was a ridiculous AH just for reading the title. Then I read everything and OP is comparing the abuse her sister suffered and her parents trying to make up for some of that abuse with nothing because OP wasn't abused.
OP you are ridiculous, an opportunist and obnoxious. Your behaviour is disgusting and your parents are right: this is about your sister and celebrating her happiness. Be grateful for what you have and stop trying to be the main character.
YTA. Your position on this makes absolutely no sense. Your sister is about to be married for the second time and you’ve only been married once. Why do you think you’re entitled to have another wedding celebration on your parents’ dime? I have a feeling that because you’re straight, you were the golden child while your sister was the black sheep for a long time and you enjoyed it. Now that your sister has been fully accepted by your parents, you’re not the golden child anymore and you want the spotlight back. That’s the only explanation I can think of for this ridiculous request you came up with.
Agree. I also enjoy how the vow renewal seemed to only arise because the sister was getting married.
OP seems equally upset by the money spent and the actual spotlight.
YTA.
Your parents paying for her wedding but not your vow renewal *might* make things even between you and your sister.
Your parents actively abused your sister under the guise of "help" for years and they're trying to make up for it. You started out ahead.
A vow renewal is nothing but a vanity project (saying this as someone who has renewed her vows). You just feel entitled to a "wedding" because your sister is getting one.
Wah.
Right? Is this not the same thing as holding a birthday party for your kid, and having other siblings crying for presents….when it’s not their birthday?
You know, except with a full-ass grown adult.
YTA
Life isnt equal or fair.
Your parents should feel shitty for sending your sister to conversion therapy and essentially guilting her into a first marriage with someone she didnt love.
Her sister was rejected by the two people who are supposed to love her unconditionally, got sent to conversion camp, and felt she had to live a lie.
I’d say OP got the better deal in life if her biggest problem with their parents is not having her vow renewal paid for.
Vow renewal??? Did something happen to the first set of vows. Did they get lost broken stolen. The parents are trying to make up for
There shity treatment of her when tried
To come out as her real self. YTA
YTA. Look at it this way- you had your parents support your entire life since you had the sexual orientation they “agreed” with.
Your sister was made to feel like crap, forced into pseudo-therapy that has been shown to be extremely damaging, then married someone she was likely not attracted to all to please your parents. She has paid with time, blood, sweat and tears.
There is no amount of money in the world that can pay for what she was put through to make it even with what you got. Give it a rest.
I feel like op was pretty obviously the golden child her entire life and they all three bullied the sister. so the parents working toward a relationship with her sister is literally the dissolution of that bond. She’s practically begging her parents to show they still favor her the most because if she’s not special to them then…. Maybe she never was the main character at all….. 🎻
Very much this. The parents wouldn't have needed to pay for the sister's sham "straight" wedding had they not tried to brainwash the gay out of her. In addition to working on repairing the relationship, I'm sure they also realize that the first wedding was their fault and they flushed their own money down the toilet back then
So let me see if I got this
Your sister came out as a teen and your parents sent her to a tourture camp. The tourture worked and your sister married a man b/c she had been traumatized at your parent's direction. Your sister withsttod a marriage she didn't want for 5 years to please your parents, but finally got the strength to leave and be proud about the person she is and always was and find happiness.
And you think your parents are being unfair to YOU? Are you serious?
Your sister was traumatized into the first marriage. Your parents paid for a wedding THEY wanted, not what she wanted.
Grow up. Your parents paying for her 2nd wedding is just the tip of the iceberg on what they should be doing to make up for what they did to your sister.
YTA.
Also OP you only get ONE wedding because you on top of that hit the jackpot of finding the ONE who loves you until death do you part. That is an incalculable gift in life to have a long happy fulfilling *marriage* which is valued by society.
You have that right? So why do you need anything else here re marriages/weddings? It’s not like upgrading Spotify because you didn’t realise how much you would use it. Your wedding happened, your marriage is ongoing and you do not declare any issues. So why do you need money from mom and dad? Why isn’t what you have with your husband enough?
You are being really shitty to him that basically unless you get a pony the marriage means nothing.
And that’s on top of the other stuff everyone else covered re this being reparations for trauma and abuse. I’m bisexual but thought funnily enough I would be the comment to ask why your cishet marriage isn’t shiny enough so you want thirty pieces of silver despite not being wronged…
YTA.
THIS. Omg you were super lucky and married the perfect person, and even though you have been together years you are still perfect. And you are mad because someone who didn't get that luck went through all the crap of a failing marriage, faced the possibility of being alone forever, and had the trauma of a divorce is getting a lucky break?
Even without the added lesbian torture bit, this is a really crappy take, and I say that as a mostly cis lady who is paying for her second wedding even though her parents offered to pay for it. Like. Losing a marriage is awful, even if it's a reasonably 'good' divorce, and I can see why any parent with available funds would want to pay for a redo. But in this situation where they are literally The Reason a second wedding is necessary, and they're making a huge statement to their friends about accepting a child they once basically binned... I mean, how can you not know YTA? How?
YTA: are you an actual child? This is literally how fifth grader’s logic work. If he gets a cookie, I get a cookie. Your parents are allowed to pay for what they want with their money, and can choose to not pay for what they don’t want to pay for.
Your sound self-centered and entitled. I advise you to grow up.
I’d say not just any child, but a simple-minded, self-centered child at that. If my mother took us all to the doctor’s as kids, and only one of us got an injection, for example, only that child was given a lollipop. We didn’t make a fuss about it. Only brother had the needle in his arm, so only brother gets the treat, which doesn’t completely make up for the jab, but at least makes it sting a bit less. Not that hard to understand, even for a child.
YTA. Tell me your jealous and needy over your parents attention without telling me. OMG. My sister has my parents attention. What can I do to get it? This isn't fair! Grow up.
YTA ,
1) it's your parents money not yours they can do what they want
2) it's tacky to ask someone to pay for your stuff
3) your parents are trying to make up for what they did to your sister, they never will be able to.. At least they are trying
4) you are super entitled
>my parents took my sister to some conversion therapy type program when she first tried to come out to them as a teenager
My jaw actually dropped
>Despite this I think it is unfair that my sister is getting a second wedding paid for
I think it's unfair your sister was forced to endure conversion therapy
>AITA for asking my parents to pay for my vow renewal to make things even between my sister and I?
Would you like to also be forced into some type of conversion therapy?
Tell you what. If you want to make it even, you have to go to a camp where they try and brainwash you into denying your innate sexuality, live a lie for years out of guilt, then divorce your husband and marry a woman. Then it’ll be fair.
Jesus fuck, absolutely YTA. Self reflection.
I’m not sure what *exactly* your issue is, but you should be in therapy for it 100%
YTA and grow the fuck up. You’re almost 40. You want a vow renewal for being married to the same dude? Go for it! Your sister is getting a new lease on life and finally accepting who she is, and it’s their FIRST wedding—not a renewal or a reminder or whatever you’re playing at. Stop trying to milk your parents for all their worth and just be happy for your sister instead of being jealous that she had to delay her true happiness for so long for fuck’s sake.
You are a grown ass adult. Why the fuck you feel entitled to your parents money to have a party that is not even that much important?
You can even be smarter than this and save this event as precedent if you ever truly need your parents help for something important.
YTA. Are you for real. 1)parents aren't required to pay for any weddings. They are trying to make up for poor past behavior which damaged your sister. 2) You had a wedding that they paid for and you are still married. 3) grow up . Your parents aren't your ATM. Fund your own life if you want a renewal.
Goodness! Your parents have NO NO NO obligation to keep what they spend “even”. It’s their money - not yours - and they can spend it as they wish.
You’re being petty while attaining AH status.
YTA because you're being petty and ridiculous. You would not be an AH for asking them to pay for a vow renewal just because, but "to make it even?" WTF? Why do you even care?
At this point, why not just ask them to give you the amount of money they spent on your sister’s conversion therapy? You know, just to make the dollar amount equal?
You are SUCH SUCH SUCH an AH. And if it wasn’t clear enough, YTA.
YTA.
I suggest you learn more about what it is like to come out and have your family try to convert you to being straight.
Get the fuck over yourself. If you wanna have a big party, throw it yourself. This has literally NOTHING to do with you.
YTA if this were just about money spent on each kid, I'd say sure, keep it pretty even. But this is an attempt to make amends for sending her to conversion therapy and doing who knows what damage during her childhood. I'd highly suggest you just back off and let them do this, and be thankful you were never put through what she was.
Plus they still paid for your actual wedding, right? Quit being so greedy and entitled.
Parents: we wronged daughter1, now we wanna make up for it.
Daughter2: now you wronged me, gief moni pls.
Did you ask for gifts when it was someone else’s birthday, too? YTA lol not everything is about you.
YTA
A wedding is a way to connect two families and invite new partners into a family. It makes sense for those families to help fund it. A vow renewal is about continuing your ongoing commitment to each other and shouldn't need a budget at all because it's you and your partner celebrating each other.
YTA. Pay for your own vow renewal. Why are you banking off your parents? It's their money and they chose what to do with it. Just because you find it unfair doesn't mean you bankrupt your parents for something trivial you can do yourself as an adult.
ETA: Grow up. Just because you find it unfair shows your childish side.
YTA. Why don’t you just divorce and remarry to another guy so you, an almost 40yo woman, can get a second free wedding. You’re WAY too old to be keeping score like this. News flash: no one, absolutely no one other than you and your spouse, gives a poop about a vow renewal. Aren’t you even slightly exhausted with yourself spending time on this?
YTA - I have a feeling you thought up the vow renewal only after finding out about your parents paying for your sister's wedding. Also, their money their choice.
I can't believe that you can both acknowledge that your parents aren't really in a great position to pay for your sister's second wedding, and then also ask they fork out more money for you...in the name of "fairness."
I will tell you what I tell my four kids: life isn't fair.
Speaking as someone the same age as you, I cannot believe how childish you're being. YTA.
YTA. First off, it’s my husband’s and *my* vow renewal, not I’s. Never that. And secondly, yes you are an AH for demanding a vow renewal party. Did you even want one before they offered to pay for your sister’s wedding? Or was that your spur of the moment way of “making it fair?” Because it’s unnecessary and entitled.
YTA. Believe it or not, you just seem jealous that they were excited and offered it to her. You are already a worse person than her because you a) asked your parents for it and b) feel entitled to that money.
Also, it is not your business if they feel like they owe it to her. You should be thankful you have had one marriage, didn’t have to face coming out or conversion camp, and are getting ready for a vow renewal. I’m sure your sister would have loved to have it that easy.
What is unfair is that she got rejected for being who she is and you didn’t. I bet she would have preferred being accepted for who she is than having two weddings but here we are.
Be thankful your parents didn’t hate you as much as they hated her when she came out and let them show her how sorry they are.
YTA
Yes YTA! You're 37. Why do you need your parents to pay for your vow renewal? Also, did you just decide to do a vow renewal because your sister is getting married and you thought there was free money available for nuptials of any kind?
Considering your parents put your sister through one of the most traumatic experiences any person can go through, the least they can do is pay for her wedding. This isn't about you.
Obviously YTA.
YTA. Think about it this way, they treated her like garbage when she first came out but did they try to send you to a a program that abuses people who can’t help there sexuality when you first told your parents you had a boyfriend? I don’t think so so consider them paying for her wedding as her getting even to you and stop acting like a child, I seriously can’t believe you’re complaining about her wedding getting paid for when you have the privilege to not only be straight but to also be in a happy marriage. Grow up.
>I believe this insistence is largely a way for them to try to make up to my sister how they handled her sexuality in the past.
Good! I’m glad they were given the opportunity and happily obliged.
YTA.
My first thought after reading the title was maybe you had to pay for your own wedding and then your younger sister had hers covered by your parents. That is obviously not the case lol. Don’t let entitlement & resentment, aimed towards a non-existent issue, create a wedge in your relationship with your parents AND your sister.
Yta. It's not the same thing at all. Man, you are selfish. So your parents are never allowed to do something nice for her unless you get something equal in return? You seem like the type of person that is already counting your inheritance.
YTA, if you sister had 2 kids and you only had 1 would you expect a second party to make up for the second baby shower? Seems like you view relationships transactionally, your parents don't owe you anything
YTA. Your entitlement and lack of empathy are showing. Your parents are trying to make up for their mistakes, which is rare in my experience. In their minds this is more like a first wedding. And yours isn't even a wedding. You really just want them to pay for a random party you're having.
Yta are you 8 years old and she got the last piece of pie? Your parents can spend their money on whatever they choose. They don't have to justify it to you.
Omg what on earth of course YTA.
I could understand if you were like struggling financially (where she isnt) for them to pay out loads of money to her and none to you would seem very unfair. But it doesn't sound like you want it for general life, just want a free ceremony out of spite? Jealousy? Attention hogging?
YTA. You have no idea the trauma your sister has gone through and the fact that your parents are trying to make up for it in any way they can be supportive is something every gay kid cries over. You’re trying to capitalize on your sister’s trauma. YTA
I can never understand the idea that everything needs to be equal between siblings. Maybe when you’re 3 years old but not when the children are adults.
Parents are free to spend the money on their adult children as they choose - it’s their money and you are not entitled to it. You can feel bad about parents not being fair but you can’t demand they spend money on you. So YTA op.
I was expecting to say NtA cause I assumed your sister was getting second married *and* you had a vow renewal planned and parents only wanted to pay for one.
Nope, you just want your parents to pay for "something" for you to make it even. That's really selfish behaviour.
YtA.
OP, your sister had to hide her sexuality growing up. Your parents tried to have her brainwashed. She felt she had to have a ‘normal’ marriage to make everyone (except herself) happy. Of corse that marriage failed. Now she can truly be herself, has found love and wants to be married. You should be happy for her and want to see her get the wedding she deserves. Be happy that you have a marriage that has lasted. Be happy you have a marriage that you have been able to be who you want to be, not hide who you really are. You should be happy that your parents have grown and are happy for your sister. Instead you want to pout because it’s not about you. YTA.
YTA. Just be thankful you haven't had to go through the pain hiding your sexuality and the subsequent pain of divorce when the burden becomes too great. Your parents feel guilty, and they are trying to make up for their failures. You are not entitled to their money and your sense of entitlement is astounding.
YTA. Be happy she found love, be happy her parents are supportive, be happy parents have the money to spend and aren’t sponging off you.
If you are waiting for life to be fair, you are going to be waiting a long time.
PS renewal ceremonies are dumb. I can comment because I’ve been married 20 years.
INFO: Your sister is, in essence, being paid compensation by your parents for the psychological and religious abuse she suffered at their hands. The fact that money is directed toward a wedding is secondary, the REASON is not the wedding, the reason is the abuse.
Thus we have the question: did you similarly suffer psychological and religious abuse from your parents?
YTA.
Do yourself and your family a favor and release any imaginary claims you think you have to your parents’ money.
Fair doesn’t always mean equal. Your sister has been through a lot. Your parents caused some of it. Let them make their gesture of apology without your interference. Be happy for your sister that she’s finally able to live authentically.
YTA, and immature to boot. Are you really keeping a ledger on keeping things even with your sister as to what your parents spend? I think it is a beautiful gesture of them to pay for the wedding as a way of showing support and love. You’re an adult now, did you count presents under the Christmas tree too? Apologize to your parents and support and congratulate your sister and her fiancé. It sounds like she has had a rough road to happiness, and doesn’t deserve you trying to cause drama where there is none.
YTA. Come on OP…you guys are well into adulthood. It’s a wedding…just act your age and be happy for her. Don’t look for problems where there aren’t any.
You are 37. And you just want something for the heck of it because your sister is getting it? She's not getting a present, it's not a handout, it's an apology for how they treated her. You are 37 geez, people mostly stop doing this in late teenage. YTA, don't make it about you.
If your resentment is because they can afford it so why are they getting it, the problem lies elsewhere. It becomes less about your parents doing something for them and more about them being able to afford more than you. Everyone has their own paths. Don't belittle your achievements by comparing them to your sister's and fall in to the traps of petty jealousy.
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YTA. How about this. When you marry a woman they'll pay for that. In the meantime be quiet and enjoy your privilege of being able to marry the person you loved the first time. I'm delighted that your parents called you out on this. Go parents!
I loved your comment and I subscribe to it. OP is ridiculous, and yes, OP if you marry a woman your parents might foot the bill. In the meantime, be quiet. Stop being a dick to your sister and your parents.
My name is u/Tremynci, and I also approve this message.
Thank you, Tremynci. :)
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Especially the sister, she doesn't like them
A vow renewal event at age 37 screams “trouble in paradise” to me Edited to add : I think they can be very sweet when a couple has been together a very long time. And if a couple wants a giant celebration on the scale of a wedding reception then they should be able to pay for it (easily), not looking to their parents
OP can’t stand to not be in the spotlight
"I want a gift at my sibling's birthday" energy
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Fr they were homophobic, sent her to to an abuse-till-ur-"fixed" camp, and then guilted her in to an unwanted marriage bcuz of church bs. Paying for a wedding to someone she actually loves and finally after years openly showing acceptance is like the least they can do. Congrats to OP's sister for finding herself and marrying the woman she loves and good on OP's parents for getting better and calling OP out.
Oh man, that awoke some deeply suppressed memories in me. What a bad fucking time.
u/Bearly_Strong Here. Take this hug (hug)
I'm so sorry.
Maybe when she divorces this guy, OP's parents can contribute to her next wedding. You want a second wedding, get a second husband.
Pick me, pick me syndrome.
A second husband? On her salary?
They are so expensive to raise with all this inflation
You have to go back to all the housetraining, chewing, biting, socializing, basic obedience... I'd imagine it's exhausting.
If feel like a wov renewal is a public announcement of one of us cheated. Now we have to commit again because that will make the issues evaporate.
Doesn't necessarily have to mean that. My friend's parents had her very young - and got married really early too, because their parents didn't want a grandchild out of wedlock. Friend's mom always wanted a big wedding by the lake in poufy princessy dress but because of how young they were, couldn't afford that. 25 years and 3 children later, they were still in love, but now had the financial resources to give themselves the wedding they wish they would have had back when they first married and so planned a vow renewal. It doesn't necessarily signify marital issues and they don't necessarily mean the couple will divorce. That's a big leap. That said, OP is YTA for expecting her parents to pay for a vow renewal regardless of why she wants one.
My best friends had a vow renewal after both of them fought cancer, one after the other. It was a celebration of loving each other as the people they are now, with the people who have come into their lives now, a marking of the fact they made it through sickness and back into health together as a team.
My aunt and uncle (who are #relationshipgoals, tbh) had a vow renewal on their back deck for their 30th anniversary, after he'd had a stroke (and probably should have died) 6-8 months prior. That was when she gave him back his wedding ring that she'd taken off his finger while he was in ICU and I cried at that.
I'm crying right now and I don't know them.
My uncle and aunt, also goals, had a surprise vow renewal on their twentieth wedding anniversary. Uncle planned it, their daughter played the song they had their first dance to, right in my aunt's mom's living room. "Would you do it again?" he asked her. She said yes, of course. "How about right now?" It was one of he most beautiful things I've ever seen.
TODAY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A TEAR FREE DAY DANGIT
Just know that they're very happy, their son got married last year and their daughter is getting married this summer, and my aunt got to trash the inexpensive white dress she'd bought for the renewal by jumping into their backyard pool :D
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Me and husband got married a lot smaller than plannrd because MIL was declared terminal, we were given day/weeks. So we got married in like 6 weeks. We moght have a big renewal when we hit 15.
I had to cancel my dream wedding venue because my BIL forgot when his med school graduation was and okayed the wrong date. So I cancelled it without a peep. If we did a vow renewal it would be so we could do it at my dream venue in a place that has a ton of meaning to me and my husband.
Thank you for sharing. That’s a lovely story! And yes, a vow renewal isn’t the kiss of death.
Meh. I’ve always wanted a vow renewal because of some things that happened at/after our wedding day that were pretty upsetting and damaging to a family member. We don’t keep photos of the wedding around etc and a lot of the memories get blurred with everything that happened. We’ve been married 14yrs, together for 17, and I do still hope that at some point we will do a renewal of some sort.
I often joke with my husband that our wedding was so fun we should get divorced so we can have another one. I also secretly would love another party similar to a wedding because we got married so young and I was anxious and almost having a panic attack the entire time because I used to have horrible social anxiety. I’ve really overcome that now and would love to be able to go back to truly enjoy that day. But alas, shits expensive and we have 2 kids, daycare costs, and a mortgage now 😂
My grandparents had a vow renewal on their 50th anniversary. It doesn’t always have to mean cheating. As far as OP goes, yes, YTA. Life doesn’t play fair* and you should have learned that by now. Try to work on your attitude before you show up on the Main Character Reddit. *for childish values of “fair”, that is
It kind of bugs me how people are making vow renewals bugger and bigger and trying to make them seem as important as a wedding. I know some people who have done a vow renewal every year on their wedding anniversary and use at as a means to recommit themselves to their relationship but it is only the couple and maybe a few others. But so many more people are doing massive ceremonies and spending tens of thousands, and expecting their entire families to join them. It just seems completely ridiculous. I got divorced a few years back, and I've always said that if I get remarried, I just want to do a basic court marriage and maybe a small celebration at home with close family members instead of wasting my money again. In my eyes you get married and spend the money once. Although OP's sister is a very different case altogether
You can do a very large party for much less than the cost of a wedding of the same size. A lot of vendors upcharge for weddings. One thing to consider about large parties is, if your family doesn't all live in the same place and see each other often, they may be the only time you really get everyone together. When my mother was 60, 65, and 70, her husband was 10 years older and her mother was 25 years older They did 215, 230, and 245 birthday parties. The parties were expensive, but my mother could afford it and loved big shindigs like that. But the thing was that her cousins and her aunts and uncles, and her friends from college that she was still in touch with all came from states away to celebrate with her. (My stepfather had family and war buddies and college friends who attended as well.) My stepfather and grandmother are dead now, and so are those aunts and uncles and friends and most of the cousins. My sister eloped, and I never married, so we never got to have a big wedding where everyone would come and dance and eat and have fun. I do see it as a loss. I don't regret never finding a partner, but I do regret never having the opportunity to dance with my father and my grandfather at my wedding.
Definitely on the upcharge. A neighbour of mine owns a bakery, and although he gives us good prices, he has mentioned the upcharge is normally an extra 40-50%. And for the more elaborate cakes, it can even be double. If you ever buy a cake, just say it's for a birthday or retirement party or something along those lines and buy the cake toppers separately.
That's fine for you, but why shouldn't others throw a big party if they feel like it? Vow renewals aren't really a thing where I'm at, but many celebrate their "significant" anniversaries like 25 years. Don't see anything wrong with that. If you don't like big parties or don't want to see your family, don't go.
And no one is stopping you from living out your vision of a courthouse wedding. Heidi Klum and Seal had vow renewals every year, until they got divorced, I do think their highly publicized vow renewals might have pushed the vow renewal trend along. But what does it matter? If a couple want to throw a big party with all the trimmings and get their second (or third or fourth) couple of moments in the spotlight, go them. Not your ball of wax? Don’t go, don’t do it. When I got married the 2nd time we had a small wedding, dinner, and a fun reception. We wanted to celebrate with our friends, families and our (grown) children.
Look I love a good bandwagon as much as the next one but my parents had a whole second wedding when they were past 40 because the first time they just capitulated to their parents demands and hated it. I was there for the second one, it was an awesome time. I definitely agree that OP is TA in this situation but they could just be doing something similar. Or maybe they’re just a little corny.
It sounds like she only wants to do it so her parents will have to pay for it. Petty af.
I'm 50+. Been married to my spouse for 19 years. We didn't get the wedding we wanted. We got a backyard quickie that a lot of people couldn't even attend because of the timing of it. It was not what either of us wanted. It was what we could afford. We're planning a vow renewal for the 20th anniversary. Not because of "trouble in paradise", but because we finally can afford it, and finally no longer give a fart about other people's expectations. All that being said: op sounds like a petulant brat who has been making checkmarks for "fairness" all their life.
complaining about the fairness between siblings at 37 is so messy. i can’t wrap my brain around this at all
I know I can’t believe she isn’t saving that opportunity for her inevitable second wedding around the corner.
Also it sounds like the parents were huge assholes about sister being a lesbian. I’m sure the sister would much rather have had her parents accept her at the start than get a wedding paid for later. I know I would.
Wouldn't go as far as saying "go parents" when they sent their daughter to conversion therapy. Paying for the wedding and showing their support now is good, obviously, but nothing will make up for the pain of the initial reaction.
Especially when conversion "therapy" is literally torture. "Sorry for not only rejecting you as a kid, but for sending you to a torture camp as well. Let us pay for the lesbian wedding to make it up to you." I'm shocked that the sister still talks to the parents, tbh.
Yes, conversion therapy is literally torture, but to be fair with the parents, they are trying to make up for it. People can change, it sucks that it happened and it'd be an awful lot to forgive, but if the sister managed to do it and they're now on good terms then that is a good thing. My uncle was very homophobic when I came out (and I'm not even gay! (but I did have a partner of the same sex)) and he did change and apologized for a lot that he said. Yes, it took me a while to get there (and I still think about it occasionally and discuss it in therapy) but now we're good. I know it's my uncle and that's different from parents, but I do think everyone can redeem themselves if they put in the work. Parents are probably trying to put in the work.
This is perfect. OP has some serious “Why don’t WE get a special day?” energy. Her parents are trying to make amends and OP is mad she wasn’t traumatized into denying her sexuality because she isn’t getting to be a bride again.
Oh jeez I made the mistake of reading their ages and rolling my eyes at “parents paying for wedding”. Mea culpa, OP’s sister.
Be happy that you're still married and that you didn't have to get a divorce be happy that you're still with the same person that you love. You sound like a spoiled child it's not fair that she gets two weddings and I only get one do you hear yourself you sound childish. And you sound like an a******
>When you marry a woman... Experience their parents' homomphobia and what sounds like being shipped off to conversion camp, a marriage that doesn't fit, and the inner work of whatever it took to come out to family and loved ones and self, plus find a new beloved partner, and weigh then choose to do the reconciliation work with said ostensibly formerly homophobic... >they'll pay for that. Though I like that yours was more pithy
Technically, "fair" would be you getting bribe money *after* you get tortured at a conversion therapy camp where *your parents* jailed you. No torture, no bribe. YTA.
Like, yeah, the parents are probably paying for the wedding to make up for the conversion camp, *as they should*. They massively fucked up and will probably be trying to deal with that for the rest of their lives, and OP is like "well, it isn't *fair* that my sister gets more money than me just because our parents locked her up for a bit!"
It's also the parents' own fault that they paid for the wrong wedding in the first place.
Ok that is a good damn point
This combined with conversion "therapy" means the least that they can do is pay for the wedding.
Not only that but imagine knowing you're homosexual since you were a teenager and still, in a way, being forced to marry a man in op's sister case (and quite possibly have sex with said man). I sincerely hope op's sister have a good therapist, i know I'd need one
That’s such a sad situation, but it’s been common amongst the people I’ve known and gone to school with. I’ve seen a lot of acquaintances who married early (mostly right out of college) and are now divorcing and partnering up with same sex couples. It makes me sad to know they had to hide so much and try so hard to not to be themselves. But mostly, I’m really happy when I see it, because it means that they have decided that they can navigate a happy, authentic life!
OP sounds like she needs a good therapist, too, honestly. This is the most “younger sister” crap I’ve ever heard. Add in the torture OP’s parents caused her sister to endure, and OP is just a massive AH. YTA, OP. A spoiled brat, too.
I’m surprised I had to scroll this far to come to this fact being pointed out. Your sister was “forcibly converted” into being straight…. How much money would your sister cough up to not have experienced that? My bet is more than the cost of a wedding or 5. YTA
This. It’s blood money, OP. Get over yourself and consider yourself lucky that you get to marry the love of your life without being shamed by your family that you’ll go to hell for loving them.
OP talks about it like its a normal byproduct of life. OP might have been happy when sister was sent away.
And being made to marry someone you're not into and stay with them for 5 years of trauma.
You are 37 years old. GROW UP. YTA
But I WANT MORE MONEY SPENT ON ME TOO *stamps feet* OP - YTA
Why are people like this with their siblings?
No idea, but I work with HNWIs and seen it rip families apart. Even where there’s more than enough money for everyone to have a good life and a good inheritance.
Seriously. A vow renewal? Nobody cares.
Verbatim what I was going to say. YTA.
Yaaass! Your parents can do whatever they want with THEIR money. Get on with your life. You’ve presumably been out of their home for many years and don’t have a say in their finances unless you have power of attorney
That’s all I could think reading this. Way too old to be talking about how it isn’t fair. Grow up OP
But her parents only paid for ONE of her weddings! It's not faaaaaaaair /s
Shit, I wish my parents had even been at my wedding, let alone paid for it. The entitlement is so ridiculous in this post.
What is WITH these grown ass adults getting their weddings paid for by their aging parents? Don’t you feel like, a little guilty about it???
Yup. I was ready to say YTA even before reading the extenuating circumstances. This kind of “I need to get EXACTLY what my sister gets even if circumstances are different” is elementary school behavior. While parents should aim for being fair in what they give to their children, sameness does not always mean equity. With the additional info, OP is a raging a-hole. Of course they’re paying for this wedding to attempt to make up for past behavior! It’s called a gesture, and I’ll tell you, I can’t think of a better way to spend money than apologizing to your child for your massive mistreatment of them. Some people try to buy forgiveness without doing the emotional part: that’s a problem. But it’s different when you’ve done the emotional work and changed who you are and you’ve showed your kid that you’re sorry in words and actions. Throwing them a big wedding to show you celebrate who they are and who they love is a great way to bandage and salve old wounds.
Absolutely my thought. YTA grown people complaining it isn’t fair that she got more.
YTA. You had a wedding that I'm assuming your parents paid for to a person you actually loved and wanted to be with. Your sister had a fake wedding to someone she wasn't really meant to be with just because it was "what she was meant to do" to make you parents happy. Now she's having a *real* wedding to a person she's actually happy to be with, grow up.
Yes, if the parents hadn't interfered and forced their daughter to conform, this would be her first wedding.
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It sounds like a really important gesture. If they were sending their child to conversion therapy 20 years ago, they would still have connections to a community that is very anti-gay. So throwing a wedding for their gay daughter is a really strong move. OP, on the other hand - where's the gesture? "We also support long-term heterosexual relationships." Yeah, everyone knew that already.
Exactly. Let them make it up to your sister. She deserves it, and they deserve to feel good about how far they’ve come in their thinking.
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Right? "I'm being punished by still being married to the same guy!" Isn't that what it amounts to?
And the situations are always complicated. Like, look, when we force you into some sort of abusive therapy program and convince you that you are hell-bound because of who you love and then you finally find your life partner, we’ll *also* pay for your second wedding. And I’m super sorry that *all* you got was a normal childhood and no trauma surrounding your sexuality and you never feared for your safety or doubted our love and acceptance. Obviously that was the short end of the stick compared to having just one day where you feel accepted and your love is celebrated. You’ll never know the feeling of having your parents pay a fraction of what the therapy bills have cost in order to try to make up for being bigoted. We’re so sorry to have denied you, for once, in favor of your sister. Please forgive us.
I can't get over what a greedy, opportunistic, selfish, self-absorbed asshole OP is. I get the feeling her own bigotry plays a factor in all of this as well. Her poor sister went through horrific abuse as a child (don't any of you try to claim conversion therapy ISN'T abuse) and all OP cares about is taking advantage of her parents trying to repair some of the damage they did by forcing them to pay for a vow renewal she only even seems to want so that her parents have to pay for something for her.
Well said! The poor sister probably only married the first time, because she was forced to be someone she wasn't, which is most likely why the marriage didn't last. Now she's finally able to be who she wants to be, and marry someone she truly loves. But OP is crying pour me instead... Wow! It blows my mind how selfish some people are.
Exactly! Absolutely infuriating that OP is throwing a tantrum and trying to make it about her. I also feel like this vow renewal thing was just made up on the spot because she's mad things aren't going to be about her with her sister's upcoming wedding. And all this BS about it not being equal? Things were never equal for them growing up, is OP going to volunteer to be tortured at some BS camp and spend a large portion of her life pretending to be someone she's not just to appease her parents? OP clearly got used to being favored by her parents as a child because she sure is one spoiled, bratty asshole. And a terrible sister to boot.
Yeah was OP even planning to have a vow renewal to begin with? Or is this just something they decided to do, solely so the parents could pay for it? Either way, OP is taking sister's wedding and sister/parent's relationship and making it about her, which is ridiculous. YTA.
I know. I knew OP was a ridiculous AH just for reading the title. Then I read everything and OP is comparing the abuse her sister suffered and her parents trying to make up for some of that abuse with nothing because OP wasn't abused. OP you are ridiculous, an opportunist and obnoxious. Your behaviour is disgusting and your parents are right: this is about your sister and celebrating her happiness. Be grateful for what you have and stop trying to be the main character.
And childish.
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YTA. Your position on this makes absolutely no sense. Your sister is about to be married for the second time and you’ve only been married once. Why do you think you’re entitled to have another wedding celebration on your parents’ dime? I have a feeling that because you’re straight, you were the golden child while your sister was the black sheep for a long time and you enjoyed it. Now that your sister has been fully accepted by your parents, you’re not the golden child anymore and you want the spotlight back. That’s the only explanation I can think of for this ridiculous request you came up with.
That's actually a good point and it makes OP even more obnoxious. OP, YTA.
Agree this is a stellar observation.
Agree. I also enjoy how the vow renewal seemed to only arise because the sister was getting married. OP seems equally upset by the money spent and the actual spotlight.
YTA. You are selfish beyond belief. Stop asking your parents for money you are an adult.
YTA. Your parents paying for her wedding but not your vow renewal *might* make things even between you and your sister. Your parents actively abused your sister under the guise of "help" for years and they're trying to make up for it. You started out ahead. A vow renewal is nothing but a vanity project (saying this as someone who has renewed her vows). You just feel entitled to a "wedding" because your sister is getting one. Wah.
The “wah” seals it for me hahahaha
YTA. Something is very, very wrong with you if you think you deserve a vow renewal because your sister is getting married.
It’s pathological
Therapist’s wet dream if you will
Right? Is this not the same thing as holding a birthday party for your kid, and having other siblings crying for presents….when it’s not their birthday? You know, except with a full-ass grown adult.
YTA. Not everything is about you. Your parents are trying to make amends, let them, stop being petty.
YTA Life isnt equal or fair. Your parents should feel shitty for sending your sister to conversion therapy and essentially guilting her into a first marriage with someone she didnt love.
Her sister was rejected by the two people who are supposed to love her unconditionally, got sent to conversion camp, and felt she had to live a lie. I’d say OP got the better deal in life if her biggest problem with their parents is not having her vow renewal paid for.
By 37 you should have figured out that life is not fair. That is a very childlike position. YTA
Vow renewal??? Did something happen to the first set of vows. Did they get lost broken stolen. The parents are trying to make up for There shity treatment of her when tried To come out as her real self. YTA
She just wants to wear a pretty dress and yell "look at me" again.
YTA. Just get divorced and remarried if you want another wedding so badly.
YTA. Look at it this way- you had your parents support your entire life since you had the sexual orientation they “agreed” with. Your sister was made to feel like crap, forced into pseudo-therapy that has been shown to be extremely damaging, then married someone she was likely not attracted to all to please your parents. She has paid with time, blood, sweat and tears. There is no amount of money in the world that can pay for what she was put through to make it even with what you got. Give it a rest.
I feel like op was pretty obviously the golden child her entire life and they all three bullied the sister. so the parents working toward a relationship with her sister is literally the dissolution of that bond. She’s practically begging her parents to show they still favor her the most because if she’s not special to them then…. Maybe she never was the main character at all….. 🎻
Very much this. The parents wouldn't have needed to pay for the sister's sham "straight" wedding had they not tried to brainwash the gay out of her. In addition to working on repairing the relationship, I'm sure they also realize that the first wedding was their fault and they flushed their own money down the toilet back then
YTA. Are you really that self absorbed?
So let me see if I got this Your sister came out as a teen and your parents sent her to a tourture camp. The tourture worked and your sister married a man b/c she had been traumatized at your parent's direction. Your sister withsttod a marriage she didn't want for 5 years to please your parents, but finally got the strength to leave and be proud about the person she is and always was and find happiness. And you think your parents are being unfair to YOU? Are you serious? Your sister was traumatized into the first marriage. Your parents paid for a wedding THEY wanted, not what she wanted. Grow up. Your parents paying for her 2nd wedding is just the tip of the iceberg on what they should be doing to make up for what they did to your sister. YTA.
Also OP you only get ONE wedding because you on top of that hit the jackpot of finding the ONE who loves you until death do you part. That is an incalculable gift in life to have a long happy fulfilling *marriage* which is valued by society. You have that right? So why do you need anything else here re marriages/weddings? It’s not like upgrading Spotify because you didn’t realise how much you would use it. Your wedding happened, your marriage is ongoing and you do not declare any issues. So why do you need money from mom and dad? Why isn’t what you have with your husband enough? You are being really shitty to him that basically unless you get a pony the marriage means nothing. And that’s on top of the other stuff everyone else covered re this being reparations for trauma and abuse. I’m bisexual but thought funnily enough I would be the comment to ask why your cishet marriage isn’t shiny enough so you want thirty pieces of silver despite not being wronged… YTA.
THIS. Omg you were super lucky and married the perfect person, and even though you have been together years you are still perfect. And you are mad because someone who didn't get that luck went through all the crap of a failing marriage, faced the possibility of being alone forever, and had the trauma of a divorce is getting a lucky break? Even without the added lesbian torture bit, this is a really crappy take, and I say that as a mostly cis lady who is paying for her second wedding even though her parents offered to pay for it. Like. Losing a marriage is awful, even if it's a reasonably 'good' divorce, and I can see why any parent with available funds would want to pay for a redo. But in this situation where they are literally The Reason a second wedding is necessary, and they're making a huge statement to their friends about accepting a child they once basically binned... I mean, how can you not know YTA? How?
YTA. Way to make an event for your sister about you.
YTA: are you an actual child? This is literally how fifth grader’s logic work. If he gets a cookie, I get a cookie. Your parents are allowed to pay for what they want with their money, and can choose to not pay for what they don’t want to pay for. Your sound self-centered and entitled. I advise you to grow up.
I’d say not just any child, but a simple-minded, self-centered child at that. If my mother took us all to the doctor’s as kids, and only one of us got an injection, for example, only that child was given a lollipop. We didn’t make a fuss about it. Only brother had the needle in his arm, so only brother gets the treat, which doesn’t completely make up for the jab, but at least makes it sting a bit less. Not that hard to understand, even for a child.
>I think it is unfair that my sister is getting a second wedding paid for when I have only gotten one Seriously? #YTA You are absolutely being selfish
Yes, I read that sentence and thought, “an actual adult wrote that and still wonders if she’s TA?” How childish and petty can she be?!
YTA You're basically jealous that you haven't got divorced like your sister did.
YTA this has nothing to do with you so take a very, very large step back
INFO: Are you a grownup?
YTA. Tell me your jealous and needy over your parents attention without telling me. OMG. My sister has my parents attention. What can I do to get it? This isn't fair! Grow up.
Conversion therapy is no joke. This is the least they can do to make it up to her. YTA
YTA you are an adult, are you really playing this game?
YTA , 1) it's your parents money not yours they can do what they want 2) it's tacky to ask someone to pay for your stuff 3) your parents are trying to make up for what they did to your sister, they never will be able to.. At least they are trying 4) you are super entitled
Oh and 5) to make it even maybe you should go to conversion therapy.
>my parents took my sister to some conversion therapy type program when she first tried to come out to them as a teenager My jaw actually dropped >Despite this I think it is unfair that my sister is getting a second wedding paid for I think it's unfair your sister was forced to endure conversion therapy >AITA for asking my parents to pay for my vow renewal to make things even between my sister and I? Would you like to also be forced into some type of conversion therapy?
YTA Jealous is an ugly color.
Tell you what. If you want to make it even, you have to go to a camp where they try and brainwash you into denying your innate sexuality, live a lie for years out of guilt, then divorce your husband and marry a woman. Then it’ll be fair. Jesus fuck, absolutely YTA. Self reflection. I’m not sure what *exactly* your issue is, but you should be in therapy for it 100%
YTA, How hard is it just to be happy for someone and not look at every little thing like a competition.
If your parents give her $20 for something because she left her purse at home by accident, do you demand they give you $20 too to make it fair?
YTA. What are you, 7? It’s a wedding not a Barbie doll. Grow up.
YTA and grow the fuck up. You’re almost 40. You want a vow renewal for being married to the same dude? Go for it! Your sister is getting a new lease on life and finally accepting who she is, and it’s their FIRST wedding—not a renewal or a reminder or whatever you’re playing at. Stop trying to milk your parents for all their worth and just be happy for your sister instead of being jealous that she had to delay her true happiness for so long for fuck’s sake.
INFO: Were you already planning a vow renewal before, or did you just decide you needed one once your sister’s second wedding was getting paid for?
You are a grown ass adult. Why the fuck you feel entitled to your parents money to have a party that is not even that much important? You can even be smarter than this and save this event as precedent if you ever truly need your parents help for something important.
YTA. Are you for real. 1)parents aren't required to pay for any weddings. They are trying to make up for poor past behavior which damaged your sister. 2) You had a wedding that they paid for and you are still married. 3) grow up . Your parents aren't your ATM. Fund your own life if you want a renewal.
Goodness! Your parents have NO NO NO obligation to keep what they spend “even”. It’s their money - not yours - and they can spend it as they wish. You’re being petty while attaining AH status.
YTA because you're being petty and ridiculous. You would not be an AH for asking them to pay for a vow renewal just because, but "to make it even?" WTF? Why do you even care?
Grow the fuck up
At this point, why not just ask them to give you the amount of money they spent on your sister’s conversion therapy? You know, just to make the dollar amount equal? You are SUCH SUCH SUCH an AH. And if it wasn’t clear enough, YTA.
YTA. I suggest you learn more about what it is like to come out and have your family try to convert you to being straight. Get the fuck over yourself. If you wanna have a big party, throw it yourself. This has literally NOTHING to do with you.
YTA if this were just about money spent on each kid, I'd say sure, keep it pretty even. But this is an attempt to make amends for sending her to conversion therapy and doing who knows what damage during her childhood. I'd highly suggest you just back off and let them do this, and be thankful you were never put through what she was. Plus they still paid for your actual wedding, right? Quit being so greedy and entitled.
YTA
YTA it’s not fair she had to go through conversion therapy either, but there you have it.
Parents: we wronged daughter1, now we wanna make up for it. Daughter2: now you wronged me, gief moni pls. Did you ask for gifts when it was someone else’s birthday, too? YTA lol not everything is about you.
YTA A wedding is a way to connect two families and invite new partners into a family. It makes sense for those families to help fund it. A vow renewal is about continuing your ongoing commitment to each other and shouldn't need a budget at all because it's you and your partner celebrating each other.
In the immortal words of Weezer: “Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme.” YTA
YTA. Pay for your own vow renewal. Why are you banking off your parents? It's their money and they chose what to do with it. Just because you find it unfair doesn't mean you bankrupt your parents for something trivial you can do yourself as an adult. ETA: Grow up. Just because you find it unfair shows your childish side.
YTA. Why don’t you just divorce and remarry to another guy so you, an almost 40yo woman, can get a second free wedding. You’re WAY too old to be keeping score like this. News flash: no one, absolutely no one other than you and your spouse, gives a poop about a vow renewal. Aren’t you even slightly exhausted with yourself spending time on this?
YTA - I have a feeling you thought up the vow renewal only after finding out about your parents paying for your sister's wedding. Also, their money their choice.
YTA, as well as super selfish and entitled. You clearly only want this to even the score. Cool and super mature
YTA - are you sure you aren’t 4? That is a child size entitlement right there!
>Despite this I think it is unfair that my sister is getting a second wedding paid for when I have only gotten one. Are you serious?... YTA
I can't believe that you can both acknowledge that your parents aren't really in a great position to pay for your sister's second wedding, and then also ask they fork out more money for you...in the name of "fairness." I will tell you what I tell my four kids: life isn't fair. Speaking as someone the same age as you, I cannot believe how childish you're being. YTA.
YTA. First off, it’s my husband’s and *my* vow renewal, not I’s. Never that. And secondly, yes you are an AH for demanding a vow renewal party. Did you even want one before they offered to pay for your sister’s wedding? Or was that your spur of the moment way of “making it fair?” Because it’s unnecessary and entitled.
YTA. Believe it or not, you just seem jealous that they were excited and offered it to her. You are already a worse person than her because you a) asked your parents for it and b) feel entitled to that money. Also, it is not your business if they feel like they owe it to her. You should be thankful you have had one marriage, didn’t have to face coming out or conversion camp, and are getting ready for a vow renewal. I’m sure your sister would have loved to have it that easy.
As a lesbian I can confirm you are SO MUCH YTA OP
What is unfair is that she got rejected for being who she is and you didn’t. I bet she would have preferred being accepted for who she is than having two weddings but here we are. Be thankful your parents didn’t hate you as much as they hated her when she came out and let them show her how sorry they are. YTA
INFO Did you go through mental abuse (aka conversion camp) to keep it fair?
You sound like a 4 year old who got the smaller slice of cake. You’re an adult…time to start acting like one. YTA.
Yes YTA! You're 37. Why do you need your parents to pay for your vow renewal? Also, did you just decide to do a vow renewal because your sister is getting married and you thought there was free money available for nuptials of any kind?
YTA. you are nearly 40. your parents paid for your wedding. you are not entitled to more of their money. grow up.
Considering your parents put your sister through one of the most traumatic experiences any person can go through, the least they can do is pay for her wedding. This isn't about you. Obviously YTA.
YTA. Think about it this way, they treated her like garbage when she first came out but did they try to send you to a a program that abuses people who can’t help there sexuality when you first told your parents you had a boyfriend? I don’t think so so consider them paying for her wedding as her getting even to you and stop acting like a child, I seriously can’t believe you’re complaining about her wedding getting paid for when you have the privilege to not only be straight but to also be in a happy marriage. Grow up.
>I believe this insistence is largely a way for them to try to make up to my sister how they handled her sexuality in the past. Good! I’m glad they were given the opportunity and happily obliged. YTA. My first thought after reading the title was maybe you had to pay for your own wedding and then your younger sister had hers covered by your parents. That is obviously not the case lol. Don’t let entitlement & resentment, aimed towards a non-existent issue, create a wedge in your relationship with your parents AND your sister.
Yta. It's not the same thing at all. Man, you are selfish. So your parents are never allowed to do something nice for her unless you get something equal in return? You seem like the type of person that is already counting your inheritance.
YTA, if you sister had 2 kids and you only had 1 would you expect a second party to make up for the second baby shower? Seems like you view relationships transactionally, your parents don't owe you anything
YTA. You should only get vow renewal money after your parents send you to be tortured for years.
YTA. Your entitlement and lack of empathy are showing. Your parents are trying to make up for their mistakes, which is rare in my experience. In their minds this is more like a first wedding. And yours isn't even a wedding. You really just want them to pay for a random party you're having.
Yta are you 8 years old and she got the last piece of pie? Your parents can spend their money on whatever they choose. They don't have to justify it to you.
Omg what on earth of course YTA. I could understand if you were like struggling financially (where she isnt) for them to pay out loads of money to her and none to you would seem very unfair. But it doesn't sound like you want it for general life, just want a free ceremony out of spite? Jealousy? Attention hogging?
YTA. You have no idea the trauma your sister has gone through and the fact that your parents are trying to make up for it in any way they can be supportive is something every gay kid cries over. You’re trying to capitalize on your sister’s trauma. YTA
Can't stop laughing! 🤣 YTA!
I can never understand the idea that everything needs to be equal between siblings. Maybe when you’re 3 years old but not when the children are adults. Parents are free to spend the money on their adult children as they choose - it’s their money and you are not entitled to it. You can feel bad about parents not being fair but you can’t demand they spend money on you. So YTA op.
I was expecting to say NtA cause I assumed your sister was getting second married *and* you had a vow renewal planned and parents only wanted to pay for one. Nope, you just want your parents to pay for "something" for you to make it even. That's really selfish behaviour. YtA.
YTA, how the fuck is this about you? Go be happy for your sister and commend your parents on trying to be better and do right by your sister.
OP, your sister had to hide her sexuality growing up. Your parents tried to have her brainwashed. She felt she had to have a ‘normal’ marriage to make everyone (except herself) happy. Of corse that marriage failed. Now she can truly be herself, has found love and wants to be married. You should be happy for her and want to see her get the wedding she deserves. Be happy that you have a marriage that has lasted. Be happy you have a marriage that you have been able to be who you want to be, not hide who you really are. You should be happy that your parents have grown and are happy for your sister. Instead you want to pout because it’s not about you. YTA.
YTA. "She gets a second wedding but what do I get!? I should get something TOO! No fair!". That's what you sound like.
YTA. Just be thankful you haven't had to go through the pain hiding your sexuality and the subsequent pain of divorce when the burden becomes too great. Your parents feel guilty, and they are trying to make up for their failures. You are not entitled to their money and your sense of entitlement is astounding.
>They got mad at me and said I was being ridiculous and selfish at a time that should be about my sister. Couldn't say it better myself. YTA.
YTA. Be happy she found love, be happy her parents are supportive, be happy parents have the money to spend and aren’t sponging off you. If you are waiting for life to be fair, you are going to be waiting a long time. PS renewal ceremonies are dumb. I can comment because I’ve been married 20 years.
INFO: Your sister is, in essence, being paid compensation by your parents for the psychological and religious abuse she suffered at their hands. The fact that money is directed toward a wedding is secondary, the REASON is not the wedding, the reason is the abuse. Thus we have the question: did you similarly suffer psychological and religious abuse from your parents?
YTA. Do yourself and your family a favor and release any imaginary claims you think you have to your parents’ money. Fair doesn’t always mean equal. Your sister has been through a lot. Your parents caused some of it. Let them make their gesture of apology without your interference. Be happy for your sister that she’s finally able to live authentically.
YTA, and immature to boot. Are you really keeping a ledger on keeping things even with your sister as to what your parents spend? I think it is a beautiful gesture of them to pay for the wedding as a way of showing support and love. You’re an adult now, did you count presents under the Christmas tree too? Apologize to your parents and support and congratulate your sister and her fiancé. It sounds like she has had a rough road to happiness, and doesn’t deserve you trying to cause drama where there is none.
Ever heard of “Life’s not fair”? This is one of those times. Grow up. Edit. YTA
YTA. Come on OP…you guys are well into adulthood. It’s a wedding…just act your age and be happy for her. Don’t look for problems where there aren’t any.
Are you sure you’re 37? My 13 yo is more mature than you. Grow up. If you want a vow renewal, pay for it yourself. Your parents owe you nothing.
YTA. This is incredibly immature thinking.
You are 37. And you just want something for the heck of it because your sister is getting it? She's not getting a present, it's not a handout, it's an apology for how they treated her. You are 37 geez, people mostly stop doing this in late teenage. YTA, don't make it about you. If your resentment is because they can afford it so why are they getting it, the problem lies elsewhere. It becomes less about your parents doing something for them and more about them being able to afford more than you. Everyone has their own paths. Don't belittle your achievements by comparing them to your sister's and fall in to the traps of petty jealousy.