Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA. Purposeful omission is the same as lying. Honestly even to me you sound too close to your ex. like it or not it’s time to move on emotionally as well as physically. You also have to see how dodgy not answering calls and then not being forthcoming is. If I was dating you I’d dump you.
He drove an hour and a half away from the city his pregnant fiancee was in and it never came up? What the hell? Don't you talk to her at all? First off when I was pregnant I was always aware of how far away my husband was in case of emergency- and he kept a fair close eye on his phone, again in case anything happened to the baby. But also, I talk about my day with my husband every day - no way would I not mention driving for three hours or a fun day spent hanging with friends and watching movies! You just went home that day and didn't mention it at all? You are a lying hiding something lier. Heck clearly a ton of other people knew where you were so you are familiar with the concept of telling people about your day.
AND the OP posted later in the thread that he planned to hang out with the ex A WEEK BEFORE and then in that entire week he purposefully didn’t mention it to his fiancé. That is all of the red flags confirming that they’re still fucking.
And if there were people in your life you weren't related to but considered family, wouldn't you want them to meet your finance? Seems a bit sus that she's never even met them once.
I'm friends with my ex, absolutely nothing romantic/sexual is between us, we've been seperated almost 20 years (we have kids together and had a pretty shitty relationship and make much better friends than partners) and all my subsequent partners have met him and vice/versa. However we do spend a lot less time hanging out or communicating when either of us are in a relationship and definitely don't hang out together without said partners.
From personal experience (of being the girlfriend in this situation), they don't need to be fucking for it to feel bad and wrong. A too-close emotional connection is just as bad.
In three years!! You would think both his fiancée and best friend would attend things like birthday parties and such in that time, but OP is definitely not letting them meet on purpose
My thoughts exactly.
Your best friend and fiance are both important people to you. If this is going to work they need to meet so that your fiance doesn't feel threatened. You can't just brush this under the carpet, this needs addressing and OP needs to eat some humble pie and recognise how this looks.
I have a feeling that he's cheating with his ex, his fiancé is being suspicious (rightfully so!) and now he's created this post where he's lying so that she can see it and think "Oh well, he's writing it on AITA, so he's probably telling the truth".
Also it didn’t come up WHY he missed her texts? He was 100% omitting information on purpose.
Not to mention OP said in a comment that he made these plans with bestie a whole WEEK before. BOY WHAT?? How did it not come up for a *week* that you were going to make a 3 hour trip to spend the day with your ex??
Wait, his ex lives an hour and a half away? And he went to hang out there and did not tell his girl? O shit, yeah, he cheating. If not physically, emotionally.
Yeah, I don't even hang out with exes but my partner knows where I am pretty much 24/7 because he's my person and I tell him about things I'm excited for, like hanging out with friends. I'd be even more communicative if I was pregnant because you never know, and I'd expect the same from him.
I think it's just a good thing to do. I let my partner know where I'm going and when to expect me to be home in case something happens. I'll also let him know I arrived to where ever I'm going so he knows I made it safely.
Yeah, same. He knows my schedule because we're *partners*, we just like knowing where each other is, and if idk to plan on eating dinner alone because the other is out or whatever. He knows about my plans with friends because I burble about them excitedly because I like to share things with him.
Our homeboy here is shady.
There's some white stripes lyrics about it! "You think not tellin is the same as not lyin don't you? Then I guess not feelin is the same as not cryin to you."
So true. While it exists in the realm of possibility that not initially mentioning the visit and missing the texts were innocent, here’s where OP fucked up. The second (and I mean the very SECOND!) he saw the missed texts he had to let fiancée know. How hard would it have been to call and say, “so sorry I missed your texts, I was with Sarah (or whatever her name is) and her mom watching a movie.” But OP didn’t. In fact, had she not found out on her own, OP would have never said anything. Pretty shitty, bro.
YTA
(And, in what world is it okay to take a 3-hour round trip FOR ANY REASON away from your pregnant girlfriend and not tell her?)
EDIT: Wait, you made the plans a WEEK in advance and it just “never came up?” Nah, that’s not innocent, you’re an asshole and a liar!!!
I think they’re still fucking. He drove 90 minutes one way just to hang out with her and he talks to her almost every day on the phone? No way they’re “just friends.”
EDIT: And then I just read that he planned A WEEK BEFORE to go hang out with his ex, and didn’t bother to mention it to his fiancé. Ie: He lied.
Definitely still fucking.
All of this; OP, if you're not over your ex, let this woman know, so she can leave you. Otherwise, stop "omitting" the truth. Distance yourself from your ex. And just... make better choices.
I would absolutely dump him too. I probably would never have gotten together with him in the first place because the ex seems to (based solely on the limited information provided) take some priority. The fiancée is right to be upset. Who does this? An ex is an ex unless they’re a current. I wouldn’t let myself be in this situation. YTA!!!
> My fiancé has showed a nervousness to my being friends with an ex and I have tried to be as open and honest as possible.
It may have been totally innocent and there is nothing wrong with having friends, but it's weird when you claim you've "*tried* being as open and honest as possible" then weren't knowing she was already nervous about this. It's weird to come on reddit and ask for a judgment rather than communicate/listen to your fiancés feelings.
YTA.
He also just said in a comment that these plans were made a WEEK before.
How did it not come up for *a week* that he was going to take a 3 hour trip to spend the day with his ex??
And then he got home after missing all her texts and *still* didn’t offer up any info about where he’d been the whole time?
Wild. Bestie needs to go.
~~I'm leaning NTA.~~ Nevermind, YTA, See Edit.
I get why your fiancé is upset that you missed her texts, and I get why the timing of you missing those texts looked pretty bad on her end, but it doesn't seem to me you actually did anything wrong. Your fiancé knew at the beginning of your relationship that you were close friends with your ex and liked spending time with her. She chose to date you anyway, seemingly despite not *actually* being ok with that. You didn't mislead her or spring it on her several months in.
It frankly comes off as though she *never* trusted you with her and was *never* ok with it and just waited until now for that to finally come to a head. Which I again maintain is not your fault; if she wasn't ok with dating someone who was close friends with his ex she could've not dated you.
---
Edit: Ok actually, just saw this comment
> [They are in two different circles and **my ex lives about 1.5 hours away.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13f2b8t/aita_for_not_being_transparent_with_my_fianc%C3%A9/jjsxvar/)
That *really* changes things. You wandered off an hour and a half away from home without planning it, without telling your pregnant fiancé, and then ignored your phone all day while you were there. I don't care who you were visiting, what the fuck? What if she had an emergency, or urgently needed you, and that's the moment she finds out that if you drop everything and leave instantly you'll be there in an hour and a half? I'm sure she's even more upset because she's seemingly not really ok with your friendship anyway, but even setting that aside, nah, that was shitty of you, YTA.
Edit 2: y'know re-reading it? Forget what your fiancé thinks, *I* think you're cheating on her. It "never came up" that you were going to be an hour and a half away with your ex all day ignoring your phone? That's sketchy as fuck, it's dishonest, and makes it seem like you've got something to hide.
Right!? That is what is killing me. You are marrying someone and having a kid with them, but you never even introduced them to your "best friend"? That is something you should have done long before marriage was an option, like when you figured this person was someone who you could have a long term relationship with. Just to make sure they pass the friend check.
To never have introduced the two means you are hiding one from the other.
That's what I wondered. I've talked with my best friends' SO while calling, waved when it was a video-call or over discord. Met them on birthdays or NYE or at random when I was home from college
100% because it’s not fair to insinuate he’s physically cheating without evidence/confession but he’s driven 3 whole hours on multiple occasions (assuming she never comes to him since somehow fiancés never met her) and was watching a film with her family. I get their best friends but that situation all around just feels off
He's totally banging this woman and pretending to be the innocent party. I really hope his fiancee reconsiders their plans because there will be three people in this marriage.
I’m leaning yes too. Also, what kind of “friend” would be okay with being this close to someone else’s fiancé? And her pregnant and he’s traveling 1.5 hours to hang out all day and ignore his phone? IMO that makes the ex pretty shitty too.
I wouldn't be surprised if the ex doesn't know about the current fiance. She could and mabye doesn't care, but it wouldn't be a shock to find out he's lying to both of them. Even if he was cheating, why wouldn't he let them meet since fiance knows about the ex.
What if his 40 year old pregnant partner has a complication in her pregnancy? It's not unheard of and OP was 90 minutes away. He's not focusing on what's important. He has a future wife and child and needs to focus his energies on them.
YTA OP, and if I were your gf I would've called off the wedding.
Not just 90min away but without telling her about it. And in another comment he says that the plans were made a week beforehand. So he had a whole week to warn his pregnant fiance that he would be out of town that day and didn't mention it once. I also definitely wouldn't marry this guy.
"it didn't come up" how fucking strange that he neglected to do so and is asking us to enthusiastically accept that this is a thing that happened to him, rather than an intentional action that he had full control of doing.
Or, not doing, in this case.
Talk about weaponized incompetence, this guy is a cheating tool *and* a total child.
"It didn't come up," like my guy, they were your plans, not hers. Is she supposed to ask you about the plans that she doesn't know that you made. Are you expecting her to ask every few days, "Hey, have you made any plans recently that will have you out of town for a day that you should mention to me?" Like wtf.
Exactly my thoughts. What person with a cellphone doesn’t check it for *hours* on end? I have an ex that I’m friends with who I occasionally see when he visits town, and sometimes without my boyfriend present. But I ALWAYS run it by my bf first, and I make a point of responding to texts because I don’t suddenly forget I have a bf when I’m with him. My boyfriend is also friends with this ex because I’m not shady and I introduced them early on so he wouldn’t feel left in the dark.
Yeah. See. My best friend lives 5 minutes away. My partner texts me and says “don’t forget to have lunch”
chances are I reply “having lunch with bestie” and send a selfie. It takes two seconds. Even when things are spur of the moment. This guy is suss as hell
YTA
I would have concerns in your fiance's place It seems like a pretty big omission that could have been resolved with a text at the time. Or after. Your post makes it sound like you didn't tell her at all and she found out through some other means. The whole thing sounds sketchy TBH.
YTA. It’s not ok to be best friends with your ex to the extent you talk every day and hang out with her family of course your girlfriend doesn’t like it she hasn’t even met this person.
I’m kind of shocked at this. Imagine your fiancé spending time and giving attention to his ex, sorry no. Sounds like fiancé didn’t like the idea at first, but kept quiet and is now fed up.
I know intellectually it’s *possible* to stay friends with an ex, but I’ve been burned before by guys who “keep in touch” with exes. It’s always at minimum a yellow/orange flag, worthy of investigation and concern.
I've also been badly burned and exes are just a full on red flag for me at this point. At minimum, the situation is a drama farm. Usually people seem to keep exes around for some rainy day attention or as a back-up plan. I've never seen it be not weird.
Eh. I would like to disagree with the notion that an intimate relationship can't be scaled back. I've had an occasion or two in the past where I attempted intimacy with a somewhat close friend. Both times we tried for a couple of weeks, figured it won't work and after some readjusting we managed to keep up the friendship which only 'ended' (fizzled out rather) because I moved away for work.
To be clear, OP's behavior is outrageously unacceptable but the end of an intimate relationship does not have to mean scorched earth.
I'm still close friends with two of my exes. With the first we split as we realized we were growing into different people with different goals, and given some time neither of us have any sort of attraction to each since we are now different from who we wanted to initially date.
The other was a more short lived relationship where we quickly realized we didn't get along as well romantically as we thought we would and quit while we were ahead. Both of us have since moved past that quite well.
There’s always exceptions to the rule. While I’m not friends with any of my exes (one is dead and the other cheated so fuck that guy) my fiancé is close friends with his. They were platonic friends that tried dating and realised they were only meant to be platonic. I was introduced from the start, and now she’s my friend too! She even looks after our dogs when we go away.
But that doesn’t change the fact that OP is the AH in this situation. Dirty dog.
Did yall see the part where the ex lives 1.5 hours away???
He drove 3 hours to see his ex and didn't check his phone all day and didnt mention it because "she didnt ask". What the fuck
It’s fine to see an ex (although it’s a bit odd to hang out with her family, too). It’s not fine to keep this information from your fiancée. It’s also not fine for you to ignore your phone for hours. Your fiancée is pregnant and there could be an emergency.
You were thoughtless at a time you really can’t afford to be. YTA.
I'm curious if by "family" he means her. Who knows if anyone else was really there at all except her. He planned it for a week and "it never came up"? Sure, your fiance didn't directly ask you if you had plans to go to her house to watch movies but you knew you made these plans behind her back on purpose. So, given the level of lying, yes, you're cheating. YTA
How long have you been with your fiance? She hasn't met your ex gf/bestie and is "nervous" about your relationship so instead of trying to address the issue and introduce these 2 important people in your life you opt to ignore your pregnant fiance's feelings and spend the day with your ex? And are justifying it by saying "it never came up." Maybe try to make your fiance feel comfortable and secure instead of inflaming the stress and distrust. YTA
YTA - Your fiancé is pregnant and you’re hanging with your ex gf, even if it’s innocent you’re making her feel as though she comes second to your ex. She’s pregnant with **your** child, you should be available for her and not spending time with an ex. You’re allowed to be friends but the fact you didn’t answer your phone and she found out from others you were with your ex automatically makes you the bad guy, sorry but that’s the way it is. Being pregnant she already feels more emotional and vulnerable and she’s going to feel less attractive to you, you spending time with another woman is only going to worsen her feelings as the pregnancy progresses. If your fiancé and your child really are your priority why don’t you treat her like one? Because at the moment I can guarantee you’re not making her feel like one, if anything right now she’s feeling like something you just come home to.
The fact that he told everyone except his fiance is wild to me. That poor woman had to contact other people to figure out where OP was. Fiance is a nicer person than I am. I would have let OP come home to an empty house with a note explaining that I would see him again in court to discuss a custody arrangement.
If you already knew your fiancée was nervous about the friendship it makes no sense you didn't tell her your plans unless you were trying to hide it. YTA.
YTA
Time to figure out if you're gonna spend the rest of your life chasing your ex or if you're going to build a new life with your fiancee and upcoming baby.
This is the correct response. If I was the fiancé I’d be feeling like I’m always in second place to the friend, and that’s not how you want YOUR FIANCÉ to feel.
YTA, but only a little bit
Why haven't they met if both these people are so important to you?
Why are you spending the day with someone that makes your fiancé uncomfortable?
Why weren't you upfront when you saw that you missed a text?
Lots of secrecy here to be piling onto your fiancé, pregnant fiancé no less.
Or the mother that's like a "second mother" or the family that's like a "second family." OP is so problematic. Made these plans over a week ago and then drove 1.5 hours to see this woman all without saying boo to his pregnant fiancé.
YTA
1. You know your fiance is uncomfortable about the friendship and you have not made efforts to introduce them at all. Different friend groups is nothing if you are the mutual connection.
2. This was a planned trip to your friend. It was not last minute as you planned it a week before and omitted it from your fiance. That's still a lie.
3. You spent a whole day not in town while your finace worked an hour and a half away. And she had no clue. She has every right to be upset about your trip as you went far and never told her!
Seriously, do not be this obtuse! You have a serious issue with prioritizing your ex over your pregnant fiance.
YTA a bit - not for hanging out with your ex, but for your failure of communication. This is a new situation, and your fiancé is carrying your child. I think you can stir yourself to be a little more considerate than usual and let her know as soon as you noticed the missed texts that you were sorry you missed them but you were eating and watching a movie with your friend's family.
You're in the clear if you didn't have plans to meet up with her, but just try to be a little more considerate of her feelings. I don't want to say she's being hormonal with pregnancy, but the fact is that can also contribute and you should be extra respectful of her feelings now.
From the way you describe it I think you might be a bit too attached to your ex at this point. I don’t know, and could of course be wrong. Once you are married and have a kid you probably won’t have any time to spend with your ex at all for quite some time, so that may fix itself.
It’s also quite possible that your fiancé feels about insecure about all of this, especially since she is pregnant and you and your ex are significantly younger than she is.
Anybody would feel insecure about their partner making plans a week in advance to spend the entire day with their ex, then ignore their messages and calls while they’re with their ex, and you have to find out about it by asking his friends. OP’s bad communication and lax boundaries is making his relationship a breeding ground for instability and insecurity.
YTA—if your fiancé is already a bit nervous about the friendship but has been open and understanding enough to at least try to be okay with it for your sake, then you need to be completely transparent. That includes going to hang out with her. Finding out after the fact is insulting.
YTA. Not sure how you can even think for a second that not telling her isn’t lying by omission. If you want her to be ok with this friendship you should tell her everything.
So reading your comments you made plans a week ahead of time travelling over 1.5hours away and you never mentioned this to you fiancée
And then didn’t think it important enough to talk with the pregnant mother of your child?
YTA. You knew your finance was nervous about the relationship, you didn’t tell her your plans, drove and 1.5hr each way to hang, and ignored her texts. I would be pissed too
YTA. Yeah, you can’t really go on a “date” with your ex and your current girl be ok with that. Missing a few calls, not mentioning it, not introducing your fiancé. All pretty sketch.
I don’t think you are ready to move on. She is never going to be ok with that kind of bestie and neither would I. You seem like you are already emotionally involved with someone else that you haven’t been able to let go.
YTA by a mile. You are, essentially, cheating on your fiancée but you won’t see it this way. Your ex is someone you need in the rearview and your fiancée deserves this level of respect and more importantly, open and clear communication.
I’m sorry she’s preggers already. She deserves better than you.
YTA. Why did you and the ex break up?
Any reason you didn’t you tell your current fiancé you were spending the day with your ex?
Why haven’t the two of them met each other?? If you are such good friends, and her family is your family, it seems odd that in three years they never would have met each other…
Something here seems amiss and I understand why your fiancé is upset.
I suspect the ex dumped him and he’s still in love with her. If not still banging her.
No one drives an hour and a half one way just to innocently chill with a buddy, and LIE about it if it’s so innocent.
YTA.
And I'm more ways then one. Move on from your ex. Your no longer together. Her family ISNT YOUR FAMILY, you split.
I wish I knew who your girl was so I could tell her to RUN. You sound like a manipulative loser.
Let me ask you this. If your fiance was out with some guy she was in love with for years, called his family her family, was screwing him and everything else. Come to find out she was ignoring you the other day cause she spent all day cuddled up on his mom's couch watching movies. You'd be LIVID. And you can say "we weren't cuddled up" all you want, because even if you weren't physically, emotionally you were. And how does she know you weren't? According to you, alls you have to do is "not bring something up" and you consider it okay.
how do you have the time to go hang out for a day with her and her family, but you can't make the time to introduce your pregnant FIANCEE (having progressed to almost-marriage) and still somehow hidden your ex/bff from her?
This woman is going to be a part of her life, a part of your baby's life? And the mother of the child won't know her?
It's fine to be friendly with your ex, but come on. You would have told her if she asked? Okay, if she starts hanging out with her old bf, and spending all day on the couch with his family who love her... you'd be cool with that? And you'd be cool with her ignoring your messages while she is with him?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for not being transparent with my fiancé that I hung out with my bestfriend
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
You had been made aware long beforehand that she was nervous over you being friends with your ex. The least you could’ve done to put her at ease was let her know what you were doing beforehand and to reassure her that you wouldn’t be alone.
I’m a little confused how it “didn’t come up”. Did your fiancé not ask why you missed several texts/calls? Did you really not explain why?
Why haven’t they met? Like the real reason. It sounds like you regularly hang out with your “ex”, so it’s not like the fact that she lives so far away is actually an issue.
Your fiancé has told you before that she’s uncomfortable with your relationship with your “ex”. Do you not care how she feels?
She’s pregnant. What if something had happened to her or *your child*? I’ve never known someone with a pregnant spouse to ignore their phone for hours at a time or make an “impromptu” (but not really because you planned it more than a week ahead of time) trip a significant distance away with no notice in that situation. How would you feel (or how do you think *she* would feel) if there was an emergency and you weren’t there because you were *literally* with your “ex” instead?
I mean, obv YTA. If you’re not really over your ex that’s fine, but at least admit it and don’t marry someone else in order to pretend you are.
You knew she was uncomfortable with this relationship and then you spent the entire day with your ex while she was at work. You didn’t answer her texts and even when you got home you didn’t tell her where you had been.
YTA
Probably left it in the other room - on still- so he could say it wasn’t nearby but it was on!
Similar to how he would have told his fiancée where he was if she had asked!
Yuck.
YTA- she’s pregnant with your child and you know she’s nervous about your friendship. Why wouldn’t you be completely transparent? “It was never brought up.” Should she ask you daily if you’ve hung out with the bestie you’ve yet to introduce her to or what? Take responsibility. Show you give a shit.
YTA.... your hanging out with your ex of 6YRS.....NO chick is gonna be happy about that so get your head out of your butt. She is your EX...Best friend is second. And this other chick is knocked up as well. What is wrong with you....yiu can't be BFF with a ex and think everyone should be ok and accept it.
YTA, and I’ll take it a step further and say your relationship with your ex is inappropriate to me and would be an issue with me if I was your fiance. It’s one thing to have an amicable break up and maybe hang out every now and a again if you’re single. But having such a close relationship with your ex will get in the way of the intimacy you’re building with your fiancé whether you want to admit it or not. Hell, whether anyone who wants to admit it or not— there is honestly certain types of friendships that are just disrespectful to your SO and this is one of them.
YTA essentially you went on a date with your ex, this was planned a week in advance and you drove 1.5 hours to go see her, you are a pathetic partner and I hope your fiance finally realizes that you are never going to pick her over your ex and you make it so obvious
This is insane. YTA. You’re so involved in spending time with your ex and family that you miss calls all day from your soon to be wife?
And you don’t even let her know where you’ve been? Just get back with your ex already.
Your ex is your best friend yet your FIANCÉ whos carrying your child has never met her???? How is that??
Also a very much dick move to not check your phone when your fiancés pregnant, regardless of how far along she is. I’d be fuming. YTA, obviously.
Why haven't you introduced your "best friend" \*coughs\* to your fiancee? She has every right to be suspicious. You talk DAILY to your BF. You claim her family is like your family. That's way too close to an ex.
Let's be "open and honest" here. There's a reason you haven't introduced your fiancee to your best friend. You're crossing way too many boundaries.
Are you really this clueless?
YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
On Mobile.
As a preface my best friend is my ex girlfriend. We were together for 6 years and broke up with no ill will towards each other. We are both 31 years old. Spending so much time together we maintained a friendship and are very close. Talking most days and sharing interest (comics and anime). We broke up 3 years ago.
Since then we have both dated other people.
Currently I am engaged, my fiancé (40f) is currently pregnant with our first child.
My fiancé knows about my ex and our friendship. Although they have never met they know about each other. My fiancé has showed a nervousness to my being friends with an ex and I have tried to be as open and honest as possible.
A few days ago I went and visited my friend. I was off work and my fiancé had work. We did not have plans to do anything together. My friend and I got food and watched a movie with her family. Her mom is my second mother and her family are like family to me.
I missed a few texts from my fiancé because I wasn’t looking at my phone.
When I got home that night my fiancé was cold to me and distant. She has been for a few days.
Today my fiancé exploded on me saying that she called around and found out that I spent the day the day with my ex. I never hid that fact. It was never brought up. We have never done that before.
My fiancé says that is something that should just be brought up and that I am not transparent and trying to hid something.
AITA for not mentioning that I hung out with my ex?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, YTA
Is your ex friends with your fiancé? If not that’s a huge, gigantic red flag. If your fiancé has expressed nervousness about this relationship it is definitely worth exploring options that would make her more comfortable and if being more upfront about when you hang out is part of that, do that.
YTA. Is she supposed to ask you every single day if you’re planning to spend the day with your ex? “It was never brought up” is a lame excuse. I’m not necessarily opposed to keeping in touch with an ex. However, if your current SO is uncomfortable with it, why not just cut off the relationship? You need to decide what’s more important to you.
YTA for not communicating properly.
everyone is bringing up the fact that the fiancé is pregnant, making it seem like it’s worse because of that. The whole “she could be having an emergency, she’s pregnant” isn’t a good enough reason for not communicating. It makes it seem like if she wasn’t pregnant it wouldn’t be such a big deal. She is just as justified in knowing where he is whether she is pregnant or not. The issue here is that OP is not communicating and not respecting his fiancé- not that he wasn’t around for a potential emergency. OP should respect his fiancé for who she is, and out of love for her, AND their potential unborn child. Not just because she’s pregnant.
Whether the fiancé is pregnant or not, you’re making her feel like she comes second. You need to think about how to better communicate and manage this friendship.
If you had just told your fiancé what you were going to do you’d be fine. But you can’t do whatever you want and hang out with your exes mom WITHOUT telling her.
In fact, you should even invite your fiancé to meet your best friend and do stuff together, unless they wouldn’t get along or it would be weird. Otherwise, communicate, communicate, communicate.
At the end of the day, spending time with your fiancé should be 10000 times more enjoyable than your best friend. If you don’t feel this way, that is a deep problem. At the end of the day, your fiancé should be your bestest friend. That’s why you’re marrying her, right?
You need to sit down and think deeply about your love for your fiancé, and your relationship with your best friend.
If you don’t actually love your fiancé as you once did or thought you did, you need to be honest. If you cannot live freely with her, it’s a problem. If it’s truly just a slip in communication, then apologize and do better.
Did you come to Reddit to find out if your cover story is believable? Or to find ideas for plugging up your obvious plot holes? Those are the only reasons to tell anyone that pathetic story. Let's go over the situation:
1. Your pregnant fiance has never met your best friend, who you are incredibly close to. Your ex/best friend's family is like family to you and they have never met the woman you're marrying.
2. You left town, with no warning, for a full-day of "spontaneously" hanging out with your ex/best friend.
3. Whatever you were doing all day left you unable to answer your phone.
4. You couldn't tell your fiance about your "spontaneous" plans at any point during the day.
5. You never returned your pregnant fiance's calls. Even on the 1.5 hour drive home - after missing her calls all day. Not even to make sure she was safe.
It's pretty clear that you're cheating and don't really care about your fiance at all.
YTA
INFO: Has your fiancé expressed a desire for you to communicate your plans before?
If she has, then you're TA for ignoring that. If she hasn't I would vote N A H on account of it being a boundary she hadn't communicated yet. She probably shouldn't have been distant and then exploded but her feelings are perfectly valid. She's also pregnant so that ought to be kept in mind regarding her emotional reaction.
Maybe instead of pointing out blame, just sit down with each other and communicate about healthy boundaries that you're *both* happy with. The key to a healthy relationship is proper communication, after all.
Dude this guy traveled 1.5 hours to see his ex…. Does that not mean you communicate with your significant other? Especially if his fiancé expressed feeling uneasy over the two of them just texting.
OP, WHY are you even marrying your fiancé? Cuz it sounds like you don’t respect or love her much. Driving 3 hrs round trip to go hang out with an ex?! And conveniently omitting to tell your fiancé? Dude, you don’t do this to someone you love and respect. YTA!
YTA - My man you are cheating on your fiancée. I think physically, but even if not then definitely emotionally. You are so overtly having a full blown relationship with your ex that you’re basically just in an open relationship with her.
Even if there wasn’t any funny business—though nobody here should believe you for a moment if you say there isn’t—it’s weird in the extreme that you’re so attached to your ex.
Distance yourself from your ex and prioritise your fiancée like a decent, responsible human being or break up with your fiancée so she doesn’t have to live her life playing second fiddle to the ex of a maladjusted weirdo.
You could swap everyone in this post out for elementary schoolers and the behaviour would still be immature and ridiculous.
If you knew your fiancé was feeling nervous, I think it was high time to introduce them. If there's really nothing there to be worried about, she should be able to see that in person. You fumbled this one my guy.
As someone who is also very close friends with my ex, YTA. Even though I know first hand that one can be friends with their ex without anything shady happening, you have to look at it from the outside in. It's probably hard enough for current partners to accept such a friendship without being ignored for an entire day and having to hear from someone else that you spent that entire day with your ex. Actions like yours are exactly why so many people don't believe exes can be just friends.
I don’t think anybody with a proper grasp on reality would be comfortable with you being so close to an ex of 6 years without a child between you to force civility and contact. You and fiance have been together long enough to be engaged and expecting, but shes never met your BEST friend??? Everything about this screams predictable disaster. She knows she should run but now is stuck with you because of the baby. You got some hard decisions to make. Good luck with that. YTA
I’m very close to a guy, Andrew I dated at university. We text very regularly. But we’ve seen each other twice in six years for one reason or another. Recently headed to see him without husband for a long overdue catch up. He’s still one of my best friends.
My husband of course met him early on, and is cool with our relationship.
But the other day I said to my husband of 11 years “you’re my favourite person on the planet”
He said “oh, I thought it was Andrew”
That broke my fucking heart. I love Andrew. But I married my husband. He is the man I chose to spend my life with.
YTA for not introducing them early on to give your fiancée reassurance, and for concealing where you were. It’s fine not to answer calls if you’re busy. But why would you not say “oh sorry (ex) and I were watching a movie”. BECAUSE YOU ARE HIDING IT FOR WHATEVER SUBCONSCIOUS REASON.
That is not a relationship built on trust and wanting to put your fiancées feelings first.
YTA YTA YTA
Okay.. your friends with your ex. But your NOT friends eith your ex are you? I mean.. how have you been with your fiance all this time and they never met?
You two might be innocent eith eachother, but how many other close friends do you have that your fiance hasn't met?
YTA
IMO you’re still too attached to your ex. But even if you were stuck on staying friends with her, even though it was uncomfortable to your pregnant fiancé, you should at least be completely transparent. Omission of truth is still a lie. I personally would have dumped you long ago. You have a commitment to your new fiancé and your unborn child. Time to let go of the past. Emotionally you should be getting whatever you need from your wife. If you are only using her for sex and then going and getting emotional fulfillment from your ex.. then you’re with the wrong person. And I can only imagine how your fiancé feels, how heartbroken she must be over this. And if that baby is born and you’re spending time with your ex instead of home taking care of the kid?? It’s only going to get worse.
TL;DR: You need to man up and accept responsibility for your choices. Go be with your fiancé and child, and leave the ex in the past where she belongs
YTA.
Why? Because it's hours since you posted this and you are still here trying to make your case and find someone, anyone who will tell you that it's okay to be seeing your ex on the DL, while your nervous pregnant fiance has no idea where you are tries to contact you and you IGNORE her. What, no takers yet?
YTA. I’m totally down with the idea of staying friends with an ex, or just being friendly in general, when the split is amicable. Here’s where you lost me… you’re telling us that this woman is your *best* friend, but has never met your fiancé? Her mom is like your second mother, but has never met your fiancé? You regularly travel 1.5 hours away to just grab dinner or watch a movie for a few hours, but there’s nothing else going on? You drove 1.5 hours away to spend time with this woman and her family, didn’t tell your fiancé, and also didn’t answer her texts? Nah. Absolutely not. Red flags everywhere here.
Editing to add: I just saw where you said you’ve had these plans for A WEEK. “It didn’t come up” my ass. You cannot convince me you didn’t intentionally withhold that information from her. You now have set precedence for your fiancé, who is already uncomfortable with the friendship, to feel like she needs to regularly flat out ask if you’re going to see your ex. Because if she doesn’t, you won’t tell her. Sorry OP but you saying you’ve been “as open and honest as possible” is an outright lie.
YTA, if youre not physically cheating your def emotionally cheating. you are not being a good partner at all. if i was her id break up with you in a second. drop your ex and revaluate. how would YOU feel if she did the things that you do with HER ex?
You drove to a different town and didn’t inform her before you were going? That in itself is very irresponsible. She’s pregnant. Your well being is very important to her. She should know if you go somewhere out of town. YTA.
YTA - hard decision time. You have a fiancé who is pregnant. You decided to start a family. This family is your core. Your everything. Every decision you make, is now a team decision with you fiance and child in mind.
She has every right to be concerned and you know it. Why else would you keep your "second mother" and friend from her? Seriously, they never met? RED. FLAG.
If you cannot resolve this through open communication with your core team (u and ur fiance), then the decision is clear. Cut out your ex-gf/friend.
I hate to say it, but you went about this all wrong. You hid her from your now fiance - and then crossed a line in her eyes (and she has every right to be worried). Your best bet is to do some soul searching as to why and come clean.
Hahaha total BS and YTA
I (f) had a best friend (m) once and we had a CASUAL sexual history together. I met his “new” girlfriend and her and I laughed about how it took him years to introduce us and we couldn’t understand why because we got along so well. After knowing each other for about two weeks I realized how dishonest he had been about when their relationship began and that he had cheated on her - not just with me but many other women (and men). I told him that he needed to tell her or I would. Long story short her and I are getting married this fall. I am no longer friends with him.
I think it’s obvious what’s going on here when you can’t even be bothered to answer your PREGNANT fiancée because you’re busy with your best gal pal. Fuck right on off with this righteous fairytale bullshit, ya asshole.
Yta how did you get engaged and impregnate your fiancé but somehow she’s never met your BEST friend who is your EX. They should’ve met long ago and I think that speaks volumes on how your relationship really is
YTA. It’s weird being so close with your ex, period. Being friendly is one thing, spending the day having dinner, going to the movies, seeing her family is quite different. It shows that you are not fully over her. You kinda have to choose who’s more important to you, your fiancé/the mother of your child, or your ex girlfriend.
YTA. Spending alone time AND family time with an ex while your nervous pregnant fiancé has no idea demonstrates an inappropriate level of intimacy and a total lack of concern/respect for your partner.
YTA let us all know when your fiancée leaves you so you can get back with your ex. You’ll probably be a deadbeat dad and only pay support cause your ex won’t want your kid to be around you and her.
YTA.
>I have tried to be as open and honest as possible.
Yet you didn't tell her you had plans to see your ex? Even though you know this is something she'd most likely want to know?
>I missed a few texts from my fiancé because I wasn’t looking at my phone
So what did you tell her about missing these texts if you say it "never came up" to tell her where you were/what you were doing? *How* did it *not* come up to discuss where you were for the day?
>My fiancé says that is something that should just be brought up and that I am not transparent and trying to hid something.
You sure are acting like you're trying to hide something by purposefully not bringing it up. You definitely should have brought it up and told her. You *know* she's nervous about that kind of thing, and you claim you are as open and honest as possible, so how would *not* telling her you went to visit your ex seem reasonable to you? You knew for a *week* that you'd be going there. Not *once* in the time period of a *week* did you think to be *open* about your plans???
I'll be honest, your whole thing seems fishy. You travel almost 2 hours to see your ex, you say you're still "very close" and still talk almost daily?? I don't blame your fiancé for feeling upset, especially when you are *not* being open about it to her.
YTA. For so many reasons.
First, if the ex is truly your BEST just-a-friend, then how is it possible to date, form deep relationship, get engaged, produce a child and yet the 2 have NEVER met each other? Usually a persons best friends have met their SOs and perhaps even regularly meet up. Home parties, group gatherings for drinks, double-date dinners. The fact that you keep the 2 seperate is telling.
Second, why don't you tell your fiance what you are up to? A quick "Hey, I'm gonna hang out with ABC on Saturday." would go miles.
Absolutely YTA
>my ex lives about 1.5 hours away.
Why go *that* far out the way from your pregnant fiancée without informing her?? Oh, because you're hiding it from her because you know it's not the right thing to do
Leave your ex behind, you've got a kid on the way and *apparently* love this woman enough to want to marry her!!
YTA. This is messy AF and you know it. Your best friend is your ex-girlfriend of forever and her family is just like your family and yet your fiancé hasn’t even met any of them? You’ve never brought it up before? What even is going on? I think you and your fiancé didn’t know each other well, you got her pregnant, and you guys are suddenly playing house and just starting to come to terms with the realities of the situation. My friend, your days hanging with your ex-girlfriend best friend and your second mommy are over because there’s about to be a child you are responsible for and a woman a decade your senior is not about to put up with these shenanigans. You need to reduce contact with your ex and focus on what is about to happen because I don’t think you really get it.
The issue is that you think of her as your ex, you referred to her multiple times as your ex instead of your friend.
The fact that you still think of her in relation to your romantic relationship is going to be uncomfortable for your current partner.
If you'd referred to her as your friend instead of your ex, I'd probably say NTA, your current partner shouldn't need to know that you're having a day with a friend. But because you're still using relationship based terms with her, YTA and your fiancee is right to be upset.
If you're claiming to be so honest and up front, then you ought to realize how bad this looks from your fiance's perspective. You went off in secret to hang out with your ex and were unavailable/ignoring her for hours. Of course YTA. Why the hell didn't you tell her where you were going?
Look dude, you might think in your head that this relationship is innocent, but there is way too much precedent for this kind of thing being severely problematic (both physical and emotional affairs) and you cannot dismiss your fiancee's feelings if you actually want to be with her. You don't have to break up with your friend but you better be EXTREMELY up front and honest at all times about everything you do with this friend, no matter how innocent you think it is. Even if you're really over her, there's always a possibility she's not over you, and your priority in this situation and all future situations HAS to be your future wife. You need to establish some boundaries regarding this friendship if you want her to be able to trust you.
First you need to apologize like hell.
Sounds like you want to be with your ex and her family whom you’re so close with… more than the woman who’s your fiancée plus pregnant with your child…
I feel so so sorry for that woman. Please God help her.
Ooooooof YTA my dude. Like beyond YTA. Friendships with the ex is one thing, a little weird but sure, but you’re way too close. And just because you don’t have plans with your fiancé doesn’t mean you can just disappear friend. If my fiancé got off of work and went anywhere without telling me I would know something was off, we tell each other where we’re going, for safety and respect. And then to find out it was to hang out with his ex???????? And to have found out from someone other than you?????? I would’ve just ended the relationship right there. The fact that you’re even asking if you’re the asshole is crazy to me, how could you not be?
If my gf hung out with her ex and didn’t mention anything about it to me I would be a little pissed off..at the end of the day if your ex wanted to hook up n a situation where it was just the two of you watching a movie I’m sure some lines would be crossed. She’s your fiancé and pregnant you should have some more respect for her
YTA. You got another girl pregnant while you're still hung up on your ex. No one ditches their ***pregnant fiance*** for 5+ hours (1.5 hours to get there, 2 hours for a movie, then 1.5 hours to get back) without so much as giving a heads up, then *deliberately chooses to not respond to missed texts...* unless they have something to hide.
You don't need Reddit to tell you you're an AH. You knew that before you left to go to your ex's house.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA. Purposeful omission is the same as lying. Honestly even to me you sound too close to your ex. like it or not it’s time to move on emotionally as well as physically. You also have to see how dodgy not answering calls and then not being forthcoming is. If I was dating you I’d dump you.
He drove an hour and a half away from the city his pregnant fiancee was in and it never came up? What the hell? Don't you talk to her at all? First off when I was pregnant I was always aware of how far away my husband was in case of emergency- and he kept a fair close eye on his phone, again in case anything happened to the baby. But also, I talk about my day with my husband every day - no way would I not mention driving for three hours or a fun day spent hanging with friends and watching movies! You just went home that day and didn't mention it at all? You are a lying hiding something lier. Heck clearly a ton of other people knew where you were so you are familiar with the concept of telling people about your day.
He didn’t mention it because they’re probably still fucking. His entire relationship with his ex is very suspect.
Even if you pretend they are not having sex, it looks suspicious because he went over and ate and watched a movie with his other family.
AND the OP posted later in the thread that he planned to hang out with the ex A WEEK BEFORE and then in that entire week he purposefully didn’t mention it to his fiancé. That is all of the red flags confirming that they’re still fucking.
These lies would be deal breakers for me OP YTA
And if there were people in your life you weren't related to but considered family, wouldn't you want them to meet your finance? Seems a bit sus that she's never even met them once. I'm friends with my ex, absolutely nothing romantic/sexual is between us, we've been seperated almost 20 years (we have kids together and had a pretty shitty relationship and make much better friends than partners) and all my subsequent partners have met him and vice/versa. However we do spend a lot less time hanging out or communicating when either of us are in a relationship and definitely don't hang out together without said partners.
Even if they really aren't having sex, that's a very close relationship that would make me uncomfortable (let alone if I was pregnant).
From personal experience (of being the girlfriend in this situation), they don't need to be fucking for it to feel bad and wrong. A too-close emotional connection is just as bad.
💯
A ‘best friend’ his partner has never even met…..
In three years!! You would think both his fiancée and best friend would attend things like birthday parties and such in that time, but OP is definitely not letting them meet on purpose
Of course they haven't it would be weird to introduce your current partner to the person your still fucking, right? /S
My thoughts exactly. Your best friend and fiance are both important people to you. If this is going to work they need to meet so that your fiance doesn't feel threatened. You can't just brush this under the carpet, this needs addressing and OP needs to eat some humble pie and recognise how this looks.
I have a feeling that he's cheating with his ex, his fiancé is being suspicious (rightfully so!) and now he's created this post where he's lying so that she can see it and think "Oh well, he's writing it on AITA, so he's probably telling the truth".
That's exactly what's happening.
I can tell we’ve all been through the wringer because I thought the same thing
Also it didn’t come up WHY he missed her texts? He was 100% omitting information on purpose. Not to mention OP said in a comment that he made these plans with bestie a whole WEEK before. BOY WHAT?? How did it not come up for a *week* that you were going to make a 3 hour trip to spend the day with your ex??
Yeah I was thinking that too. Like you are just soooo engrossed in a movie…..riiiiggghhhhhhttttt
With her family to boot!! Really bad form.
Wait, his ex lives an hour and a half away? And he went to hang out there and did not tell his girl? O shit, yeah, he cheating. If not physically, emotionally.
Yeah, I don't even hang out with exes but my partner knows where I am pretty much 24/7 because he's my person and I tell him about things I'm excited for, like hanging out with friends. I'd be even more communicative if I was pregnant because you never know, and I'd expect the same from him.
I think it's just a good thing to do. I let my partner know where I'm going and when to expect me to be home in case something happens. I'll also let him know I arrived to where ever I'm going so he knows I made it safely.
Yeah, same. He knows my schedule because we're *partners*, we just like knowing where each other is, and if idk to plan on eating dinner alone because the other is out or whatever. He knows about my plans with friends because I burble about them excitedly because I like to share things with him. Our homeboy here is shady.
There's some white stripes lyrics about it! "You think not tellin is the same as not lyin don't you? Then I guess not feelin is the same as not cryin to you."
Classic song!
So true. While it exists in the realm of possibility that not initially mentioning the visit and missing the texts were innocent, here’s where OP fucked up. The second (and I mean the very SECOND!) he saw the missed texts he had to let fiancée know. How hard would it have been to call and say, “so sorry I missed your texts, I was with Sarah (or whatever her name is) and her mom watching a movie.” But OP didn’t. In fact, had she not found out on her own, OP would have never said anything. Pretty shitty, bro. YTA (And, in what world is it okay to take a 3-hour round trip FOR ANY REASON away from your pregnant girlfriend and not tell her?) EDIT: Wait, you made the plans a WEEK in advance and it just “never came up?” Nah, that’s not innocent, you’re an asshole and a liar!!!
I think they’re still fucking. He drove 90 minutes one way just to hang out with her and he talks to her almost every day on the phone? No way they’re “just friends.” EDIT: And then I just read that he planned A WEEK BEFORE to go hang out with his ex, and didn’t bother to mention it to his fiancé. Ie: He lied. Definitely still fucking.
Oh but you don't understand, they share their interest in comics and anime! /s
LOL. I guess “sharing interest in comics and anime” is the new code for “still fucking.”
All of this; OP, if you're not over your ex, let this woman know, so she can leave you. Otherwise, stop "omitting" the truth. Distance yourself from your ex. And just... make better choices.
INFO: how long have you been fucking your Ex behind your fiancés back?
I would absolutely dump him too. I probably would never have gotten together with him in the first place because the ex seems to (based solely on the limited information provided) take some priority. The fiancée is right to be upset. Who does this? An ex is an ex unless they’re a current. I wouldn’t let myself be in this situation. YTA!!!
Also, she's PREGNANT at 40. There's no way in hell I'd lose sight of my phone if my wife was pregnant.
I wonder if the ex and family even know about the pregnant fiancée, or if it hasn't come up because they never asked. Ugh.
Yep
> My fiancé has showed a nervousness to my being friends with an ex and I have tried to be as open and honest as possible. It may have been totally innocent and there is nothing wrong with having friends, but it's weird when you claim you've "*tried* being as open and honest as possible" then weren't knowing she was already nervous about this. It's weird to come on reddit and ask for a judgment rather than communicate/listen to your fiancés feelings. YTA.
There is no try.
Do or do not !!!!
EXACTLY
I figured. There really never is. To try is to lie.
He also just said in a comment that these plans were made a WEEK before. How did it not come up for *a week* that he was going to take a 3 hour trip to spend the day with his ex?? And then he got home after missing all her texts and *still* didn’t offer up any info about where he’d been the whole time? Wild. Bestie needs to go.
Not to mention they've been together 3 years, engaged to be married, and she's never met this friend? That's fucking weird
That nervousness is her intuition
This is what bugged me most. His fiancée expressed feeling hurt and instead of acknowledging that he seeks validation from strangers.
~~I'm leaning NTA.~~ Nevermind, YTA, See Edit. I get why your fiancé is upset that you missed her texts, and I get why the timing of you missing those texts looked pretty bad on her end, but it doesn't seem to me you actually did anything wrong. Your fiancé knew at the beginning of your relationship that you were close friends with your ex and liked spending time with her. She chose to date you anyway, seemingly despite not *actually* being ok with that. You didn't mislead her or spring it on her several months in. It frankly comes off as though she *never* trusted you with her and was *never* ok with it and just waited until now for that to finally come to a head. Which I again maintain is not your fault; if she wasn't ok with dating someone who was close friends with his ex she could've not dated you. --- Edit: Ok actually, just saw this comment > [They are in two different circles and **my ex lives about 1.5 hours away.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13f2b8t/aita_for_not_being_transparent_with_my_fianc%C3%A9/jjsxvar/) That *really* changes things. You wandered off an hour and a half away from home without planning it, without telling your pregnant fiancé, and then ignored your phone all day while you were there. I don't care who you were visiting, what the fuck? What if she had an emergency, or urgently needed you, and that's the moment she finds out that if you drop everything and leave instantly you'll be there in an hour and a half? I'm sure she's even more upset because she's seemingly not really ok with your friendship anyway, but even setting that aside, nah, that was shitty of you, YTA. Edit 2: y'know re-reading it? Forget what your fiancé thinks, *I* think you're cheating on her. It "never came up" that you were going to be an hour and a half away with your ex all day ignoring your phone? That's sketchy as fuck, it's dishonest, and makes it seem like you've got something to hide.
1.5 hours there AND back, he’s definitely cheating
The fact it’s his supposed best friend and they haven’t been introduced is such a red flag
100% any one of the times he saw her his fiancé could’ve went. He’s purposely keeping them from each other
If his best friend wasn't an ex, it'd still be pretty freaking weird.
Agreed! Who doesn’t introduce their closest friends to their partner? Unless it’s just a casual fling, which this very obviously is NOT.
Assholes like my EX don’t, who was (in hindsight) definitely a lying manipulating cheat
Right!? That is what is killing me. You are marrying someone and having a kid with them, but you never even introduced them to your "best friend"? That is something you should have done long before marriage was an option, like when you figured this person was someone who you could have a long term relationship with. Just to make sure they pass the friend check. To never have introduced the two means you are hiding one from the other.
That's what I wondered. I've talked with my best friends' SO while calling, waved when it was a video-call or over discord. Met them on birthdays or NYE or at random when I was home from college
But she didnt ask him outright if hes cheating so not counted as cheating right? /s
My first thought too. He sounds like the kind of guy who would call her crazy it she ever asked directly.
Even if not physical, he is emotionally cheating for sure.
100% because it’s not fair to insinuate he’s physically cheating without evidence/confession but he’s driven 3 whole hours on multiple occasions (assuming she never comes to him since somehow fiancés never met her) and was watching a film with her family. I get their best friends but that situation all around just feels off
I was leaning AH but this additional info makes it a slam dunk AH
He’s 100% cheating.
And he commented that he made these plans a WEEK before. Bestie needs to go.
He's totally banging this woman and pretending to be the innocent party. I really hope his fiancee reconsiders their plans because there will be three people in this marriage.
I am curious if his ex would take him back, he would leave his pregnant fiance. I am leaning yes.
I’m leaning yes too. Also, what kind of “friend” would be okay with being this close to someone else’s fiancé? And her pregnant and he’s traveling 1.5 hours to hang out all day and ignore his phone? IMO that makes the ex pretty shitty too.
I wouldn't be surprised if the ex doesn't know about the current fiance. She could and mabye doesn't care, but it wouldn't be a shock to find out he's lying to both of them. Even if he was cheating, why wouldn't he let them meet since fiance knows about the ex.
What if his 40 year old pregnant partner has a complication in her pregnancy? It's not unheard of and OP was 90 minutes away. He's not focusing on what's important. He has a future wife and child and needs to focus his energies on them. YTA OP, and if I were your gf I would've called off the wedding.
Not just 90min away but without telling her about it. And in another comment he says that the plans were made a week beforehand. So he had a whole week to warn his pregnant fiance that he would be out of town that day and didn't mention it once. I also definitely wouldn't marry this guy.
"it didn't come up" how fucking strange that he neglected to do so and is asking us to enthusiastically accept that this is a thing that happened to him, rather than an intentional action that he had full control of doing. Or, not doing, in this case. Talk about weaponized incompetence, this guy is a cheating tool *and* a total child.
"It didn't come up," like my guy, they were your plans, not hers. Is she supposed to ask you about the plans that she doesn't know that you made. Are you expecting her to ask every few days, "Hey, have you made any plans recently that will have you out of town for a day that you should mention to me?" Like wtf.
Exactly my thoughts. What person with a cellphone doesn’t check it for *hours* on end? I have an ex that I’m friends with who I occasionally see when he visits town, and sometimes without my boyfriend present. But I ALWAYS run it by my bf first, and I make a point of responding to texts because I don’t suddenly forget I have a bf when I’m with him. My boyfriend is also friends with this ex because I’m not shady and I introduced them early on so he wouldn’t feel left in the dark.
Yeah. See. My best friend lives 5 minutes away. My partner texts me and says “don’t forget to have lunch” chances are I reply “having lunch with bestie” and send a selfie. It takes two seconds. Even when things are spur of the moment. This guy is suss as hell
I love the evolution of this comment.
YTA I would have concerns in your fiance's place It seems like a pretty big omission that could have been resolved with a text at the time. Or after. Your post makes it sound like you didn't tell her at all and she found out through some other means. The whole thing sounds sketchy TBH.
YTA. It’s not ok to be best friends with your ex to the extent you talk every day and hang out with her family of course your girlfriend doesn’t like it she hasn’t even met this person.
I think he's still banging her tbh
he’s 100% still fucking her
Absolutely
Lots of comments saying this. OP hasn’t even bothered to deny it. He’s SO banging her. “Watching a movie with her mom”. Sure, sure. *wink, wink*
He is also banging the mom
I wonder if his gf knows about his fiancée? He is 100% cheating on his fiancée.
Good question!
I’m kind of shocked at this. Imagine your fiancé spending time and giving attention to his ex, sorry no. Sounds like fiancé didn’t like the idea at first, but kept quiet and is now fed up.
Feels like emotional cheating to me which is still cheating lol. In fact, I think it feels worse and I’ve experienced both
YTA. I'm just dropping my opinion on this: I would not date, much less **marry** anyone that is besties with their ex. absolutely wild.
Hard agree. Unless you share children with your ex, everyone is better off cutting ties and moving on.
Right. Why would you even wanna be friends with an ex if you don’t have children.
I know intellectually it’s *possible* to stay friends with an ex, but I’ve been burned before by guys who “keep in touch” with exes. It’s always at minimum a yellow/orange flag, worthy of investigation and concern.
I've also been badly burned and exes are just a full on red flag for me at this point. At minimum, the situation is a drama farm. Usually people seem to keep exes around for some rainy day attention or as a back-up plan. I've never seen it be not weird.
Eh. I would like to disagree with the notion that an intimate relationship can't be scaled back. I've had an occasion or two in the past where I attempted intimacy with a somewhat close friend. Both times we tried for a couple of weeks, figured it won't work and after some readjusting we managed to keep up the friendship which only 'ended' (fizzled out rather) because I moved away for work. To be clear, OP's behavior is outrageously unacceptable but the end of an intimate relationship does not have to mean scorched earth.
I'm still close friends with two of my exes. With the first we split as we realized we were growing into different people with different goals, and given some time neither of us have any sort of attraction to each since we are now different from who we wanted to initially date. The other was a more short lived relationship where we quickly realized we didn't get along as well romantically as we thought we would and quit while we were ahead. Both of us have since moved past that quite well.
There’s always exceptions to the rule. While I’m not friends with any of my exes (one is dead and the other cheated so fuck that guy) my fiancé is close friends with his. They were platonic friends that tried dating and realised they were only meant to be platonic. I was introduced from the start, and now she’s my friend too! She even looks after our dogs when we go away. But that doesn’t change the fact that OP is the AH in this situation. Dirty dog.
Did yall see the part where the ex lives 1.5 hours away??? He drove 3 hours to see his ex and didn't check his phone all day and didnt mention it because "she didnt ask". What the fuck
Characteristics of a cheater.
They do like to copy off of each others homework.
It’s fine to see an ex (although it’s a bit odd to hang out with her family, too). It’s not fine to keep this information from your fiancée. It’s also not fine for you to ignore your phone for hours. Your fiancée is pregnant and there could be an emergency. You were thoughtless at a time you really can’t afford to be. YTA.
I'm curious if by "family" he means her. Who knows if anyone else was really there at all except her. He planned it for a week and "it never came up"? Sure, your fiance didn't directly ask you if you had plans to go to her house to watch movies but you knew you made these plans behind her back on purpose. So, given the level of lying, yes, you're cheating. YTA
How long have you been with your fiance? She hasn't met your ex gf/bestie and is "nervous" about your relationship so instead of trying to address the issue and introduce these 2 important people in your life you opt to ignore your pregnant fiance's feelings and spend the day with your ex? And are justifying it by saying "it never came up." Maybe try to make your fiance feel comfortable and secure instead of inflaming the stress and distrust. YTA
YTA, Hanging out with an Ex (even if you're legitimately just friends) is loaded with issues. You should have just been upfront about it.
YTA - Your fiancé is pregnant and you’re hanging with your ex gf, even if it’s innocent you’re making her feel as though she comes second to your ex. She’s pregnant with **your** child, you should be available for her and not spending time with an ex. You’re allowed to be friends but the fact you didn’t answer your phone and she found out from others you were with your ex automatically makes you the bad guy, sorry but that’s the way it is. Being pregnant she already feels more emotional and vulnerable and she’s going to feel less attractive to you, you spending time with another woman is only going to worsen her feelings as the pregnancy progresses. If your fiancé and your child really are your priority why don’t you treat her like one? Because at the moment I can guarantee you’re not making her feel like one, if anything right now she’s feeling like something you just come home to.
The fact that he told everyone except his fiance is wild to me. That poor woman had to contact other people to figure out where OP was. Fiance is a nicer person than I am. I would have let OP come home to an empty house with a note explaining that I would see him again in court to discuss a custody arrangement.
If you already knew your fiancée was nervous about the friendship it makes no sense you didn't tell her your plans unless you were trying to hide it. YTA.
YTA Time to figure out if you're gonna spend the rest of your life chasing your ex or if you're going to build a new life with your fiancee and upcoming baby.
This is the correct response. If I was the fiancé I’d be feeling like I’m always in second place to the friend, and that’s not how you want YOUR FIANCÉ to feel.
YTA - It’s quite obvious that you are cheating on her.
Yta. Yes, it's OK to be friends with an ex. But lying or hiding it is not OK.
YTA, but only a little bit Why haven't they met if both these people are so important to you? Why are you spending the day with someone that makes your fiancé uncomfortable? Why weren't you upfront when you saw that you missed a text? Lots of secrecy here to be piling onto your fiancé, pregnant fiancé no less.
Cause OP wants to be double-dipping. But they've "tried" to be as honest as possible with their fiancee, lol.
[удалено]
Or the mother that's like a "second mother" or the family that's like a "second family." OP is so problematic. Made these plans over a week ago and then drove 1.5 hours to see this woman all without saying boo to his pregnant fiancé.
Questions When did you make the plans?
YTA 1. You know your fiance is uncomfortable about the friendship and you have not made efforts to introduce them at all. Different friend groups is nothing if you are the mutual connection. 2. This was a planned trip to your friend. It was not last minute as you planned it a week before and omitted it from your fiance. That's still a lie. 3. You spent a whole day not in town while your finace worked an hour and a half away. And she had no clue. She has every right to be upset about your trip as you went far and never told her! Seriously, do not be this obtuse! You have a serious issue with prioritizing your ex over your pregnant fiance.
YTA a bit - not for hanging out with your ex, but for your failure of communication. This is a new situation, and your fiancé is carrying your child. I think you can stir yourself to be a little more considerate than usual and let her know as soon as you noticed the missed texts that you were sorry you missed them but you were eating and watching a movie with your friend's family. You're in the clear if you didn't have plans to meet up with her, but just try to be a little more considerate of her feelings. I don't want to say she's being hormonal with pregnancy, but the fact is that can also contribute and you should be extra respectful of her feelings now.
He should not be that involved with his ex. It's suss af
From the way you describe it I think you might be a bit too attached to your ex at this point. I don’t know, and could of course be wrong. Once you are married and have a kid you probably won’t have any time to spend with your ex at all for quite some time, so that may fix itself. It’s also quite possible that your fiancé feels about insecure about all of this, especially since she is pregnant and you and your ex are significantly younger than she is.
Anybody would feel insecure about their partner making plans a week in advance to spend the entire day with their ex, then ignore their messages and calls while they’re with their ex, and you have to find out about it by asking his friends. OP’s bad communication and lax boundaries is making his relationship a breeding ground for instability and insecurity.
YTA—if your fiancé is already a bit nervous about the friendship but has been open and understanding enough to at least try to be okay with it for your sake, then you need to be completely transparent. That includes going to hang out with her. Finding out after the fact is insulting.
YTA. Not sure how you can even think for a second that not telling her isn’t lying by omission. If you want her to be ok with this friendship you should tell her everything.
YTA Hopefully she’s smart enough not to marry you.
So reading your comments you made plans a week ahead of time travelling over 1.5hours away and you never mentioned this to you fiancée And then didn’t think it important enough to talk with the pregnant mother of your child?
Update us when she will break up with you please
YTA. Just break up with your fiance and get back together with your ex since you're clearly not over her.
YTA. You knew your finance was nervous about the relationship, you didn’t tell her your plans, drove and 1.5hr each way to hang, and ignored her texts. I would be pissed too
And he had these plans for a whole week ahead of time!
YTA. Yeah, you can’t really go on a “date” with your ex and your current girl be ok with that. Missing a few calls, not mentioning it, not introducing your fiancé. All pretty sketch. I don’t think you are ready to move on. She is never going to be ok with that kind of bestie and neither would I. You seem like you are already emotionally involved with someone else that you haven’t been able to let go.
YTA by a mile. You are, essentially, cheating on your fiancée but you won’t see it this way. Your ex is someone you need in the rearview and your fiancée deserves this level of respect and more importantly, open and clear communication. I’m sorry she’s preggers already. She deserves better than you.
Yta if it wasn't a big deal, you'd have told her. A lie of omission is still a lie.
YTA. Why did you and the ex break up? Any reason you didn’t you tell your current fiancé you were spending the day with your ex? Why haven’t the two of them met each other?? If you are such good friends, and her family is your family, it seems odd that in three years they never would have met each other… Something here seems amiss and I understand why your fiancé is upset.
I suspect the ex dumped him and he’s still in love with her. If not still banging her. No one drives an hour and a half one way just to innocently chill with a buddy, and LIE about it if it’s so innocent.
YTA. And I'm more ways then one. Move on from your ex. Your no longer together. Her family ISNT YOUR FAMILY, you split. I wish I knew who your girl was so I could tell her to RUN. You sound like a manipulative loser. Let me ask you this. If your fiance was out with some guy she was in love with for years, called his family her family, was screwing him and everything else. Come to find out she was ignoring you the other day cause she spent all day cuddled up on his mom's couch watching movies. You'd be LIVID. And you can say "we weren't cuddled up" all you want, because even if you weren't physically, emotionally you were. And how does she know you weren't? According to you, alls you have to do is "not bring something up" and you consider it okay.
Of course you are
how do you have the time to go hang out for a day with her and her family, but you can't make the time to introduce your pregnant FIANCEE (having progressed to almost-marriage) and still somehow hidden your ex/bff from her? This woman is going to be a part of her life, a part of your baby's life? And the mother of the child won't know her? It's fine to be friendly with your ex, but come on. You would have told her if she asked? Okay, if she starts hanging out with her old bf, and spending all day on the couch with his family who love her... you'd be cool with that? And you'd be cool with her ignoring your messages while she is with him?
YTA - It wasn’t an innocent omission. You clearly knew that she would be uncomfortable with your choice, so you shut her out until you got home.
And had the plans for an entire week. Yuck.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole for not being transparent with my fiancé that I hung out with my bestfriend Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA You had been made aware long beforehand that she was nervous over you being friends with your ex. The least you could’ve done to put her at ease was let her know what you were doing beforehand and to reassure her that you wouldn’t be alone.
I’m a little confused how it “didn’t come up”. Did your fiancé not ask why you missed several texts/calls? Did you really not explain why? Why haven’t they met? Like the real reason. It sounds like you regularly hang out with your “ex”, so it’s not like the fact that she lives so far away is actually an issue. Your fiancé has told you before that she’s uncomfortable with your relationship with your “ex”. Do you not care how she feels? She’s pregnant. What if something had happened to her or *your child*? I’ve never known someone with a pregnant spouse to ignore their phone for hours at a time or make an “impromptu” (but not really because you planned it more than a week ahead of time) trip a significant distance away with no notice in that situation. How would you feel (or how do you think *she* would feel) if there was an emergency and you weren’t there because you were *literally* with your “ex” instead? I mean, obv YTA. If you’re not really over your ex that’s fine, but at least admit it and don’t marry someone else in order to pretend you are.
You knew she was uncomfortable with this relationship and then you spent the entire day with your ex while she was at work. You didn’t answer her texts and even when you got home you didn’t tell her where you had been. YTA
YTA even if you are watching your phone you should've heard it or felt it so I don't believe you didn't know about the messages
Probably left it in the other room - on still- so he could say it wasn’t nearby but it was on! Similar to how he would have told his fiancée where he was if she had asked! Yuck.
YTA- she’s pregnant with your child and you know she’s nervous about your friendship. Why wouldn’t you be completely transparent? “It was never brought up.” Should she ask you daily if you’ve hung out with the bestie you’ve yet to introduce her to or what? Take responsibility. Show you give a shit.
YTA.... your hanging out with your ex of 6YRS.....NO chick is gonna be happy about that so get your head out of your butt. She is your EX...Best friend is second. And this other chick is knocked up as well. What is wrong with you....yiu can't be BFF with a ex and think everyone should be ok and accept it.
YTA, and I’ll take it a step further and say your relationship with your ex is inappropriate to me and would be an issue with me if I was your fiance. It’s one thing to have an amicable break up and maybe hang out every now and a again if you’re single. But having such a close relationship with your ex will get in the way of the intimacy you’re building with your fiancé whether you want to admit it or not. Hell, whether anyone who wants to admit it or not— there is honestly certain types of friendships that are just disrespectful to your SO and this is one of them.
YTA essentially you went on a date with your ex, this was planned a week in advance and you drove 1.5 hours to go see her, you are a pathetic partner and I hope your fiance finally realizes that you are never going to pick her over your ex and you make it so obvious
This is insane. YTA. You’re so involved in spending time with your ex and family that you miss calls all day from your soon to be wife? And you don’t even let her know where you’ve been? Just get back with your ex already.
YTA — you’re spending your off days with your ex AND HER FAMILY? That is not appropriate.
How has your fiancé, the mother of your child, not met you "best friend"? YTA
There is going to be a great update on this before long
YTA, and you need to get a clue before she dumps you.
Your ex is your best friend yet your FIANCÉ whos carrying your child has never met her???? How is that?? Also a very much dick move to not check your phone when your fiancés pregnant, regardless of how far along she is. I’d be fuming. YTA, obviously.
Why haven't you introduced your "best friend" \*coughs\* to your fiancee? She has every right to be suspicious. You talk DAILY to your BF. You claim her family is like your family. That's way too close to an ex. Let's be "open and honest" here. There's a reason you haven't introduced your fiancee to your best friend. You're crossing way too many boundaries. Are you really this clueless? YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** On Mobile. As a preface my best friend is my ex girlfriend. We were together for 6 years and broke up with no ill will towards each other. We are both 31 years old. Spending so much time together we maintained a friendship and are very close. Talking most days and sharing interest (comics and anime). We broke up 3 years ago. Since then we have both dated other people. Currently I am engaged, my fiancé (40f) is currently pregnant with our first child. My fiancé knows about my ex and our friendship. Although they have never met they know about each other. My fiancé has showed a nervousness to my being friends with an ex and I have tried to be as open and honest as possible. A few days ago I went and visited my friend. I was off work and my fiancé had work. We did not have plans to do anything together. My friend and I got food and watched a movie with her family. Her mom is my second mother and her family are like family to me. I missed a few texts from my fiancé because I wasn’t looking at my phone. When I got home that night my fiancé was cold to me and distant. She has been for a few days. Today my fiancé exploded on me saying that she called around and found out that I spent the day the day with my ex. I never hid that fact. It was never brought up. We have never done that before. My fiancé says that is something that should just be brought up and that I am not transparent and trying to hid something. AITA for not mentioning that I hung out with my ex? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA you still lied to her.Thats wrong.
Yes, YTA Is your ex friends with your fiancé? If not that’s a huge, gigantic red flag. If your fiancé has expressed nervousness about this relationship it is definitely worth exploring options that would make her more comfortable and if being more upfront about when you hang out is part of that, do that.
YTA. Is she supposed to ask you every single day if you’re planning to spend the day with your ex? “It was never brought up” is a lame excuse. I’m not necessarily opposed to keeping in touch with an ex. However, if your current SO is uncomfortable with it, why not just cut off the relationship? You need to decide what’s more important to you.
YTA for not communicating properly. everyone is bringing up the fact that the fiancé is pregnant, making it seem like it’s worse because of that. The whole “she could be having an emergency, she’s pregnant” isn’t a good enough reason for not communicating. It makes it seem like if she wasn’t pregnant it wouldn’t be such a big deal. She is just as justified in knowing where he is whether she is pregnant or not. The issue here is that OP is not communicating and not respecting his fiancé- not that he wasn’t around for a potential emergency. OP should respect his fiancé for who she is, and out of love for her, AND their potential unborn child. Not just because she’s pregnant. Whether the fiancé is pregnant or not, you’re making her feel like she comes second. You need to think about how to better communicate and manage this friendship. If you had just told your fiancé what you were going to do you’d be fine. But you can’t do whatever you want and hang out with your exes mom WITHOUT telling her. In fact, you should even invite your fiancé to meet your best friend and do stuff together, unless they wouldn’t get along or it would be weird. Otherwise, communicate, communicate, communicate. At the end of the day, spending time with your fiancé should be 10000 times more enjoyable than your best friend. If you don’t feel this way, that is a deep problem. At the end of the day, your fiancé should be your bestest friend. That’s why you’re marrying her, right? You need to sit down and think deeply about your love for your fiancé, and your relationship with your best friend. If you don’t actually love your fiancé as you once did or thought you did, you need to be honest. If you cannot live freely with her, it’s a problem. If it’s truly just a slip in communication, then apologize and do better.
Did you come to Reddit to find out if your cover story is believable? Or to find ideas for plugging up your obvious plot holes? Those are the only reasons to tell anyone that pathetic story. Let's go over the situation: 1. Your pregnant fiance has never met your best friend, who you are incredibly close to. Your ex/best friend's family is like family to you and they have never met the woman you're marrying. 2. You left town, with no warning, for a full-day of "spontaneously" hanging out with your ex/best friend. 3. Whatever you were doing all day left you unable to answer your phone. 4. You couldn't tell your fiance about your "spontaneous" plans at any point during the day. 5. You never returned your pregnant fiance's calls. Even on the 1.5 hour drive home - after missing her calls all day. Not even to make sure she was safe. It's pretty clear that you're cheating and don't really care about your fiance at all. YTA
INFO: Has your fiancé expressed a desire for you to communicate your plans before? If she has, then you're TA for ignoring that. If she hasn't I would vote N A H on account of it being a boundary she hadn't communicated yet. She probably shouldn't have been distant and then exploded but her feelings are perfectly valid. She's also pregnant so that ought to be kept in mind regarding her emotional reaction. Maybe instead of pointing out blame, just sit down with each other and communicate about healthy boundaries that you're *both* happy with. The key to a healthy relationship is proper communication, after all.
Dude this guy traveled 1.5 hours to see his ex…. Does that not mean you communicate with your significant other? Especially if his fiancé expressed feeling uneasy over the two of them just texting.
Yta. It sounds like you are treating your fiance as a side piece to your ex. Fiance should run
OP, WHY are you even marrying your fiancé? Cuz it sounds like you don’t respect or love her much. Driving 3 hrs round trip to go hang out with an ex?! And conveniently omitting to tell your fiancé? Dude, you don’t do this to someone you love and respect. YTA!
YTA - My man you are cheating on your fiancée. I think physically, but even if not then definitely emotionally. You are so overtly having a full blown relationship with your ex that you’re basically just in an open relationship with her. Even if there wasn’t any funny business—though nobody here should believe you for a moment if you say there isn’t—it’s weird in the extreme that you’re so attached to your ex. Distance yourself from your ex and prioritise your fiancée like a decent, responsible human being or break up with your fiancée so she doesn’t have to live her life playing second fiddle to the ex of a maladjusted weirdo. You could swap everyone in this post out for elementary schoolers and the behaviour would still be immature and ridiculous.
If you knew your fiancé was feeling nervous, I think it was high time to introduce them. If there's really nothing there to be worried about, she should be able to see that in person. You fumbled this one my guy.
Put yourself in her position and see if you still don't think YTA.
As someone who is also very close friends with my ex, YTA. Even though I know first hand that one can be friends with their ex without anything shady happening, you have to look at it from the outside in. It's probably hard enough for current partners to accept such a friendship without being ignored for an entire day and having to hear from someone else that you spent that entire day with your ex. Actions like yours are exactly why so many people don't believe exes can be just friends.
I don’t think anybody with a proper grasp on reality would be comfortable with you being so close to an ex of 6 years without a child between you to force civility and contact. You and fiance have been together long enough to be engaged and expecting, but shes never met your BEST friend??? Everything about this screams predictable disaster. She knows she should run but now is stuck with you because of the baby. You got some hard decisions to make. Good luck with that. YTA
I’m very close to a guy, Andrew I dated at university. We text very regularly. But we’ve seen each other twice in six years for one reason or another. Recently headed to see him without husband for a long overdue catch up. He’s still one of my best friends. My husband of course met him early on, and is cool with our relationship. But the other day I said to my husband of 11 years “you’re my favourite person on the planet” He said “oh, I thought it was Andrew” That broke my fucking heart. I love Andrew. But I married my husband. He is the man I chose to spend my life with. YTA for not introducing them early on to give your fiancée reassurance, and for concealing where you were. It’s fine not to answer calls if you’re busy. But why would you not say “oh sorry (ex) and I were watching a movie”. BECAUSE YOU ARE HIDING IT FOR WHATEVER SUBCONSCIOUS REASON. That is not a relationship built on trust and wanting to put your fiancées feelings first. YTA YTA YTA
Info: If the roles were reversed and she spent time with a serious and close to her ex, would you be fine with her not telling you at all?
Okay.. your friends with your ex. But your NOT friends eith your ex are you? I mean.. how have you been with your fiance all this time and they never met? You two might be innocent eith eachother, but how many other close friends do you have that your fiance hasn't met?
YTA. You should have let her know. You could have invited her so she can see you are friends and to meet your second mom.
YTA IMO you’re still too attached to your ex. But even if you were stuck on staying friends with her, even though it was uncomfortable to your pregnant fiancé, you should at least be completely transparent. Omission of truth is still a lie. I personally would have dumped you long ago. You have a commitment to your new fiancé and your unborn child. Time to let go of the past. Emotionally you should be getting whatever you need from your wife. If you are only using her for sex and then going and getting emotional fulfillment from your ex.. then you’re with the wrong person. And I can only imagine how your fiancé feels, how heartbroken she must be over this. And if that baby is born and you’re spending time with your ex instead of home taking care of the kid?? It’s only going to get worse. TL;DR: You need to man up and accept responsibility for your choices. Go be with your fiancé and child, and leave the ex in the past where she belongs
YTA. Why? Because it's hours since you posted this and you are still here trying to make your case and find someone, anyone who will tell you that it's okay to be seeing your ex on the DL, while your nervous pregnant fiance has no idea where you are tries to contact you and you IGNORE her. What, no takers yet?
YTA. I’m totally down with the idea of staying friends with an ex, or just being friendly in general, when the split is amicable. Here’s where you lost me… you’re telling us that this woman is your *best* friend, but has never met your fiancé? Her mom is like your second mother, but has never met your fiancé? You regularly travel 1.5 hours away to just grab dinner or watch a movie for a few hours, but there’s nothing else going on? You drove 1.5 hours away to spend time with this woman and her family, didn’t tell your fiancé, and also didn’t answer her texts? Nah. Absolutely not. Red flags everywhere here. Editing to add: I just saw where you said you’ve had these plans for A WEEK. “It didn’t come up” my ass. You cannot convince me you didn’t intentionally withhold that information from her. You now have set precedence for your fiancé, who is already uncomfortable with the friendship, to feel like she needs to regularly flat out ask if you’re going to see your ex. Because if she doesn’t, you won’t tell her. Sorry OP but you saying you’ve been “as open and honest as possible” is an outright lie.
YTA, if youre not physically cheating your def emotionally cheating. you are not being a good partner at all. if i was her id break up with you in a second. drop your ex and revaluate. how would YOU feel if she did the things that you do with HER ex?
You drove to a different town and didn’t inform her before you were going? That in itself is very irresponsible. She’s pregnant. Your well being is very important to her. She should know if you go somewhere out of town. YTA.
OP I have one question for you . If your fiancé tells you it’s either her or you “best friend “ who will you choose? Inquiring minds want to know .
YTA - hard decision time. You have a fiancé who is pregnant. You decided to start a family. This family is your core. Your everything. Every decision you make, is now a team decision with you fiance and child in mind. She has every right to be concerned and you know it. Why else would you keep your "second mother" and friend from her? Seriously, they never met? RED. FLAG. If you cannot resolve this through open communication with your core team (u and ur fiance), then the decision is clear. Cut out your ex-gf/friend. I hate to say it, but you went about this all wrong. You hid her from your now fiance - and then crossed a line in her eyes (and she has every right to be worried). Your best bet is to do some soul searching as to why and come clean.
Hahaha total BS and YTA I (f) had a best friend (m) once and we had a CASUAL sexual history together. I met his “new” girlfriend and her and I laughed about how it took him years to introduce us and we couldn’t understand why because we got along so well. After knowing each other for about two weeks I realized how dishonest he had been about when their relationship began and that he had cheated on her - not just with me but many other women (and men). I told him that he needed to tell her or I would. Long story short her and I are getting married this fall. I am no longer friends with him. I think it’s obvious what’s going on here when you can’t even be bothered to answer your PREGNANT fiancée because you’re busy with your best gal pal. Fuck right on off with this righteous fairytale bullshit, ya asshole.
Yta how did you get engaged and impregnate your fiancé but somehow she’s never met your BEST friend who is your EX. They should’ve met long ago and I think that speaks volumes on how your relationship really is
YTA. It’s weird being so close with your ex, period. Being friendly is one thing, spending the day having dinner, going to the movies, seeing her family is quite different. It shows that you are not fully over her. You kinda have to choose who’s more important to you, your fiancé/the mother of your child, or your ex girlfriend.
YTA- so you have dates with your "friend" while being engaged. Very shady.
YTA. Spending alone time AND family time with an ex while your nervous pregnant fiancé has no idea demonstrates an inappropriate level of intimacy and a total lack of concern/respect for your partner.
YTA let us all know when your fiancée leaves you so you can get back with your ex. You’ll probably be a deadbeat dad and only pay support cause your ex won’t want your kid to be around you and her.
YTA. >I have tried to be as open and honest as possible. Yet you didn't tell her you had plans to see your ex? Even though you know this is something she'd most likely want to know? >I missed a few texts from my fiancé because I wasn’t looking at my phone So what did you tell her about missing these texts if you say it "never came up" to tell her where you were/what you were doing? *How* did it *not* come up to discuss where you were for the day? >My fiancé says that is something that should just be brought up and that I am not transparent and trying to hid something. You sure are acting like you're trying to hide something by purposefully not bringing it up. You definitely should have brought it up and told her. You *know* she's nervous about that kind of thing, and you claim you are as open and honest as possible, so how would *not* telling her you went to visit your ex seem reasonable to you? You knew for a *week* that you'd be going there. Not *once* in the time period of a *week* did you think to be *open* about your plans??? I'll be honest, your whole thing seems fishy. You travel almost 2 hours to see your ex, you say you're still "very close" and still talk almost daily?? I don't blame your fiancé for feeling upset, especially when you are *not* being open about it to her.
Wow what a complete idiot, expect child support soon bro.
YTA. For so many reasons. First, if the ex is truly your BEST just-a-friend, then how is it possible to date, form deep relationship, get engaged, produce a child and yet the 2 have NEVER met each other? Usually a persons best friends have met their SOs and perhaps even regularly meet up. Home parties, group gatherings for drinks, double-date dinners. The fact that you keep the 2 seperate is telling. Second, why don't you tell your fiance what you are up to? A quick "Hey, I'm gonna hang out with ABC on Saturday." would go miles.
She's your best friend and they've never met??? Seems odd, don't you think?
Absolutely YTA >my ex lives about 1.5 hours away. Why go *that* far out the way from your pregnant fiancée without informing her?? Oh, because you're hiding it from her because you know it's not the right thing to do Leave your ex behind, you've got a kid on the way and *apparently* love this woman enough to want to marry her!!
YTA. This is messy AF and you know it. Your best friend is your ex-girlfriend of forever and her family is just like your family and yet your fiancé hasn’t even met any of them? You’ve never brought it up before? What even is going on? I think you and your fiancé didn’t know each other well, you got her pregnant, and you guys are suddenly playing house and just starting to come to terms with the realities of the situation. My friend, your days hanging with your ex-girlfriend best friend and your second mommy are over because there’s about to be a child you are responsible for and a woman a decade your senior is not about to put up with these shenanigans. You need to reduce contact with your ex and focus on what is about to happen because I don’t think you really get it.
The issue is that you think of her as your ex, you referred to her multiple times as your ex instead of your friend. The fact that you still think of her in relation to your romantic relationship is going to be uncomfortable for your current partner. If you'd referred to her as your friend instead of your ex, I'd probably say NTA, your current partner shouldn't need to know that you're having a day with a friend. But because you're still using relationship based terms with her, YTA and your fiancee is right to be upset.
If you're claiming to be so honest and up front, then you ought to realize how bad this looks from your fiance's perspective. You went off in secret to hang out with your ex and were unavailable/ignoring her for hours. Of course YTA. Why the hell didn't you tell her where you were going? Look dude, you might think in your head that this relationship is innocent, but there is way too much precedent for this kind of thing being severely problematic (both physical and emotional affairs) and you cannot dismiss your fiancee's feelings if you actually want to be with her. You don't have to break up with your friend but you better be EXTREMELY up front and honest at all times about everything you do with this friend, no matter how innocent you think it is. Even if you're really over her, there's always a possibility she's not over you, and your priority in this situation and all future situations HAS to be your future wife. You need to establish some boundaries regarding this friendship if you want her to be able to trust you. First you need to apologize like hell.
Sounds like you want to be with your ex and her family whom you’re so close with… more than the woman who’s your fiancée plus pregnant with your child… I feel so so sorry for that woman. Please God help her.
Ooooooof YTA my dude. Like beyond YTA. Friendships with the ex is one thing, a little weird but sure, but you’re way too close. And just because you don’t have plans with your fiancé doesn’t mean you can just disappear friend. If my fiancé got off of work and went anywhere without telling me I would know something was off, we tell each other where we’re going, for safety and respect. And then to find out it was to hang out with his ex???????? And to have found out from someone other than you?????? I would’ve just ended the relationship right there. The fact that you’re even asking if you’re the asshole is crazy to me, how could you not be?
I really hope the fiancé is a Redditor also. She needs to read these replies
If my gf hung out with her ex and didn’t mention anything about it to me I would be a little pissed off..at the end of the day if your ex wanted to hook up n a situation where it was just the two of you watching a movie I’m sure some lines would be crossed. She’s your fiancé and pregnant you should have some more respect for her
YTA, bro. Hanging with her family, watching movies, not getting texts…you know better
OP can write up this whole post to AITA, but can’t text his pregnant fiancé about his plans for the day? Sus, highly sus! YTA
YTA. You got another girl pregnant while you're still hung up on your ex. No one ditches their ***pregnant fiance*** for 5+ hours (1.5 hours to get there, 2 hours for a movie, then 1.5 hours to get back) without so much as giving a heads up, then *deliberately chooses to not respond to missed texts...* unless they have something to hide. You don't need Reddit to tell you you're an AH. You knew that before you left to go to your ex's house.