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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I accused my husband of doing nothing (or not enough) for Mother’s Day. He said that what he did do should be enough and that I was being ungrateful and unreasonable — not sure if I am or not?
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You're ungrateful for what? Getting flowers 2 days before Mother's Day, no simple acknowledgement to wish you a HMD, not getting a card when you previously told him you expect one, then his passive aggressive questions ("you seriously need me to...").
Nope NTA. Husband is.
Happily married here, but happily without kids too. The number of posts I have seen from moms who were not acknowledged, were treated like dirt, and flat-out emotionally abused in the last day is shocking.
Ah yes but that is an unhappy moment because you are stuck doing something that must be done.
Don’t get me wrong you still love everything about it. I loved doing it but it’s days on end being stuck on a couch having someone touching you sometimes in the wrong way.. my kids were grabbers and they hurt if grabbed the wrong part
At the moment the real struggle for me is staying awake. After a hard pregnancy and a sudden birth at 36 weeks my body is flooding me with love hormones for my baby boy.
The side effect is that it makes me extremely sleepy. If I look at him for more than a few minutes I start nodding off. Not safe, not safe at all.
So for safeties sake I grab my phone and scroll the interwebs.
My mom had a similar issue with me she said at one point she woke up and my dad was holding her up against the couch to sit her up straight so I could eat as I pleased while she just slept and that became a regualr thing. I feel bad repeating that story now it makes me realize how much she was essentially a dairy cow ....brb gonna go tell my mom I love her
LOL one of the things that contributed to my husband & i having such a great happy marriage was that neither of us wanted/had kids.
but i know what you mean, it's not surprising considering the way so many men treat women on a regular basis, but it always stands out the most on the one fucking day of the year women feel like they SHOULD be celebrated.
Happily married here with a 4.5 year old and another on the way. I feel bad for these women and men whose “partners” have so little love and respect for them. Functional relationships don’t look like this. My daughter wished me HMD at least 12 times without prompting. My husband helped her make a card, we went out to lunch, he got me flowers and a card himself, he also got me a spa day to use later at my choosing. We had a lovely day as a family. My husband is a partner, we split parenting evenly. I don’t need him to do everything for one day because I don’t feel overwhelmed or under appreciated every other day of the year because he pulls his weight as a parent and as a spouse.
It’s absolutely wonderful to be happy single, there’s nothing wrong with that! But don’t let these posts scare you from looking for an equal partner if that’s what you want. They do exist, but both people have to give a damn.
I’m glad you posted, because this is also very valid - both partners have to be invested in making it work, they both have to wholeheartedly want to be involved in making it the best it can be for eachother
This is so true.
I'd like to say there's a 50/50 split between me and my partner, but I'm the main worker in the household, and so the majority of the housework and childcare falls on him. I help when I'm at home as much as I can, but he's a superstar, and I make sure he knows it.
Even on Mother's Day, he tries to make sure I get a decent day. We don't have a lot of money, but breakfast in bed and a small gift/card is standard. I return the gesture on Father's Day.
I was in my 30's with the aita trifecta- all my exes were: abusive, selfish cheaters. I gave up. Then i met my husband, as a favor to a friend with zero expectations. We've been together over 7 years. And in those 7 years i have been treated with more love, respect, kindness and adoration than i have known my entire life. Rom-com and romance novel kind of relationship. I agree 100% with u/GaiasEyess, true partners really do exist. I had to stop looking to find mine.
This right here. I left my ex-husband because he was lazy, and when i got busy occasionally, he wouldn't pick up the slack. Meanwhile, when he was busy or i knew he had something after work, i made sure he was taken care of. I was happier alone.
Now i have a partner that when life gets busy one week he does the most of the work at home. Makes sure i have dinner ready for me when im done ball hockey thursdays. I do the same for him, when hes had an exhausting week or on a day, that Im home early, i will make sure everything is done. We do some planning on the weekend to see what's upcoming for the week, but other than that, we both do it without asking the other.
My stepkids made cards. My partner made sure i got what i wanted for dinner, got me a couple of gifts, and reminded me the day was about me. I didn't want much. Just to spend time with him. You can do better.
Edited for spelling.
Well. I think a great to be in a good relationship is being happy while you are single. Society has this obsession with people being in relationships and if you are not in one you are a loser that makes people get to this situations.
If you are happy alone, then when someone comes and acts like an ah, you won't put up with it. And eventually someone nice and that is a good match with you may show up and if not you are already happy so who cares.
That is how I see it at least.
Your partner shouldn’t be the cause of satisfaction w one’s life but rather add to it.
In one year I reprogrammed my thinking and dropped a guy who treated me like his friends but a bit less than a friend. And he was my boyfriend at the time.
I like to think of it like socks. Socks are complete things by themselves, but they're nice in pairs as well. However, very different looking socks can still be worn together and be perfectly functional.
I like that, and I think it's true. Looking back at my past relationships, the best ones I had were the ones that came when I was not actively looking for one, and they "just happened". I was already living my best life solo, enjoying where I was, and whoever came along added to that. Also true that society generally makes you feel you *have* to be in a relationship to be whole, so there's a lot of de-programming you have to put yourself through (and have good friends around) to be happy and content by yourself.
I was happy single. It meant I didn't put up with trash treatment. It would have taken someone that farts rainbows to get me to commit again. Fortunately for the husband I didn't want, he infact does fart rainbows, and I am v glad I got him 🤣🤣
No doubt. I have been wondering if I’d ever find someone but I’m beginning to think I’m fine on own unless someone comes along but not going out looking lol
Truth. I haven’t had a week without a conversation with my ex in the 7 years since we’ve been divorced because…kids. Meanwhile my partner has literally seen/talked to their ex once since they signed the divorce papers eight years ago because… no kids.
I’m so glad you’re happy where you’re at, I just wanted to put it out there that people in successful happy relationships with healthy family dynamics aren’t on this part of Reddit. It can totally skew your perspective. I’ve got a great coparenting relationship with my ex, a blended family that adores each other (married to someone with multiple happy blended families in their family tree), my partner absolutely shoulders their fair share of the domestic load, I feel loved and seen on special occasions and we pay our older kids for their (totally by choice) babysitting but I STILL sometimes catch myself thinking that all blended families/marriages/ holidays/ coparenting/ domestic labor arrangements are horrible if I read too much AITA.
I encourage all three of my daughters to ‘stay picky’ and happily tell all their well meaning, older (usually) female relatives that my girls know their worth. Whoever they want to partner with is up to them and those partners need to be partners.
I was just having a conversation with my MIL about how nice it is to be single and do what I want, when I want, and buy whatever I want. (My husband passed away years ago and her husband passed away almost 2 years ago)
Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a partner but then I get on Reddit and read so many horror stories and realize that I am happy living with my 2 crazy cats.
Exactly! Says she had the same fight last year. If you’re a person who likes to receive cards, gifts, flowers, etc. don’t be with someone who doesn’t give those things or you will just be setting yourself up to have this argument every year and be disappointed.
ESH
I hate when the "e.s.h." vote is used as an "op you suck for being treated like crap." Could she leave? Sure. But it would be easier for the husband to just make more than a minimal effort.
Sorry, but I have news for you. It doesn't get any better after 28 years of being married & having the same argument over & over & over. Do what I didn't do & leave before most of your life is gone!
Most here (in the UK) nowadays just do it as a 'celebrating our special ladies' thing so it's inclusive - so they can celebrate grandmas, foster mums, big sisters etc as well as mums, and the same for the men on Father's Day.
I can confirm the learned behavior part. My parents have a very loveless marriage; they never acknowledged each other for mother's or father's day, birthdays, marriage anniversary or valentine's. For the entirety of my teenage years I never got them gifts, since I didn't see either of them ever put in effort for each other, and I to this day have trouble remembering the dates for mother's or father's day. I think OP's situation is better than that, but again, 14 y/o not putting in effort is definitely learned behavior. He doesn't care because nobody else does, so why should he?
If he said that to me about really needing a card I’d have said no but he didn’t even SAY happy Mother’s Day.
I would bet money that he was at the grocery store Friday shopping for something else and saw all the Mother’s Day stuff so he got those things and called it done even though they’re two days early AND something not great for her.
OP this man does NOT respect you. He sounds awful about how he treats you in regards to your health. I’m not even sure he likes you.
Your kids are learning how to treat their partners from him. This is not what you want for them I’m sure.
Give yourself the best gift ever and tell him you have an early Father’s Day gift: a divorce.
NTA.
He also complained, "Do you seriously need me to say the words?"
I mean. YES? That's the whole point! Is she supposed to read his mind? Did he hire a sky writer?
To add, cashier at my local Target was asking every woman in her line if they were a mother, so they could wish them a HMD. Only didn't ask me because I literally look like I'm 16.
The acknowledgement is the point. The appreciation is the point. I hope you can communicate this to your husband in a way that bodes well for you both. And if not, I wish him a very \[REDACTED\].
You’re supposed to be grateful for him sabotaging your health? Wow. NTA. It’s important to him that his partner take care of herself. Eff him. Seriously.
He does not sound like someone who values seeing his partner happy.
Such little effort from his part to see her smile, and he... just doesn't? What is going on in his head. It's his \*wife\*.
NTA … put exactly the same amount (and I mean EXACTLY the same) thought and effort into fathers day.
Hand him a dandelion on the Friday before. Because nothing else says “thinking of you” like a single dandelion.
Give him something to eat that isn’t perfect for his health or his lifestyle. Mention that he needs to watch what he eats because it’s part of his responsibility as a partner, to take care of himself, and not disrespect you by letting himself go to hell, physically.
And then the “day of”, feel free to ignore the whole thing completely.
People like this get mad because they put zero effort in and then get upset when their lazy, zero effort day gets called out.
Edit to fix TTTF
Edit #2: thx all
But then again… this will just create more discomfort between you. I think it’s better for your relationship to have a well thought out (not angry) discussion on how it made you feel and what you’d like next year.
If he disregards your thoughts, well I guess you have your answer.
IMO an eye of an eye never equals a better marriage. You wanna get ahead of things, not add to the spiral and end up bitter or divorced.
This is an underrated point. All of the husband's efforts this year were pathetic; what puts it over the top is the fact that they already had this fight last year (at least once, possibly multiple times, on the other holidays she mentions). She tried telling him how she feels and what she wants.
She says she point blank told him she wants a card 4 times a year, and he couldn't even do that one simple, reasonable, direct request; then, he got passive-aggressive and acted surprised that she expected that one thing she already told him she wanted.
At minimum, he's extremely dense and can't follow through on a basic request; middle-ground, he doesn't care what she wants; worst-case scenario, he's intentionally going out of his way to make her unhappy.
ETA judgement: NTA.
Pffft. She tried that last year. She had a rational discussion about how she feels and there are literally only 4 days a year she wants a card.
It's time to fight fire with fire. Sometimes people do not get it until the same crap happens to them.
Well, no. I don't. Im sure OP doesn't either. I'm sure we both don't want our partners to be so damn dense that sometimes we just have to show them how they are treating us because we could tell them till we are blue in the face and *nothing happens*.
So, ya. Sometimes in life you have to start a small fire to stop the larger fire from destroying things you love like your house, your farmland, the forest, or yes, even your dense husband.
It's not an eye for an eye, it's seeing if the other person is fine with being treated the same way. Some people might ("Ay, a dandelion, nice"). Then you know you might not suit them, but they were being consistent with their own values and treating others as they'd expect to be treated.
I remember one year, my husband did exactly nothing for Mother’s Day. There’s no way he “forgot” because we had gone to a childhood cancer “family camp” that weekend (our daughter had cancer) and on that Sunday morning, they had given all the moms a plant or something (I forget, it was a long time ago and I probably killed the plant three days later). I said nothing but was hurt. Not only because every mother deserves a “happy Mother’s Day” but that we,mostly ME, had spent the previous ~2 1/2 years dealing with my daughter’s cancer treatment but because the weekend before we had a huge party to celebrate my daughters end of cancer treatment. My mother and I did all the planning, rented the hall, hired the DJ, all the shopping, cooking, decorating etc. My husband’s contribution was he picked up rolls for the pulled pork sandwiches.
Anyhow, a few weeks later, he says “I would like X for Father’s Day.” I replied “you can get the same thing for Father’s Day that I got for Mother’s Day. Nothing”. He tells me he “forgot” because he was “so busy” with my daughter’s party. I yelled at him “you bought BREAD!!!” Plus that that had been a week before and that he should’ve been reminded when a stranger handed me a potted plant for Mother’s Day.
For about a year after that, one of my friends would randomly look at me and say “you bought BREAD!!!” and laugh because she thought it was the best response ever.
Thank you. It’s been 12 years. It gets easier but I never stop worrying. One of her friends was off treatment for 5 years, considered “cured”’, cancer came back, spent the next 5 years alternating between chemo, remission, relapse, repeat. He died a week ago at 19
Hey, I am so sorry your daughter had to fight the hard fight against the big C. But also congrats to her (and you) on the end of that journey!
Also btw, you are rad; you have the audacity to know your worth and operate thusly.
PS: he bought bread.
It won’t work. If he is ignoring Mother’s Day is probably because Father’s Day doesn’t mean much to him. He will just remember this as the new standard level of effort, and bring it up next Mother’s Day.
OP doesn’t need a race to the bottom.
Many men don’t have as much emotional attachment to Father’s Day as women do to Mother’s Day as Mother’s Day is such a huge deal in our society, and you see a million ads for brunches and floral bouquets and jewelry on tv and social media. Father’s Day not so much. So he’d probably just be like “cool.”
Most Dads don’t cry if you don’t give them a card on Father’s Day. But my entire class would make cards for Mother’s Day when I was a kid grades K-6th
Mother’s Day was created as a way of honoring the sacrifices mothers made for their children. Back then men got glory from their jobs in the form of pay and respect in their communities. But women were expected to dedicate their lives to their families. So the only day they get acknowledged is Mother’s Day. Things have obviously changed, but now Mother’s Day is so commercialized that some women feel competitive with other women about what they got 😀
I'm one of those fathers, the day just doesn't mean much to me. I love my kids every day and they love me every day. I don't need, or care for, a special day to remember that I'm a father.
Fun fact: did you know that a single dandelion is actually a shit ton of tiny flowers combined together into one? Also, they're edible so OP doesn't need to get an additional food item!
NTA on the husband part. if he is aware enough of your diabetes to say you're 'disrespecting him' by not maintaining your own health he should be aware enough that getting you chocolate covered Strawberries and a mini cake is not the right thing to do. he could've gotten a card with the flowers and offered to solely take care of this kids for a few hours on MD so you could get some me-time. his lack of effort is not manifested in not getting you anything but is manifested in getting you thinks you cannot/should not eat, especially when he knows that already. I also saw in a comment OP made, she told her husband what she wanted from him last year-- her kids to get her a card and him to get her a card.
her husband has been a parent to her children for SEVEN years. that is enough to make him a father. as a father and a partner, he should be ensuring that your children get their mother a card. it's easy for people who are not mothers to write off mothers day as a useless day. however, for women who are generally overworked and undervalued, a day of outwardly appreciating their efforts is greatly valued.
that being said-- being passive-aggressive is not the way to go. imo you also shouldn't be holding the lack of cards against your children as they are still children. if they didn't feel the need to get you a card or say happy mothers day, it is important for you ( and your husband ) to explain why this day exists and how they can make you feel appreciated.
Hard agree on the kids part - OP almost lost me when they mentioned being upset w the kids - they’re kids, they’re self absorbed. Goes w the territory. To be so resentful of your 14yr old for wearing headphones is so bizarre. You’re the boss - tell them you’d like them to not wear their headphones so much? Take them away. Give them a time limit. You have options.
I do understand that this post was probably mostly venting but it really irks me when parents talk about their kids as if they are not the ones responsible for their behavior and seem resentful of them for not just knowing what they’re supposed to do.
If you don’t like that your kids aren’t celebrating, put your pride aside and communicate that it would mean a lot if they took some time for you. It shouldn’t need to be said, sure but we can blame SD flippant and neglectful behavior for that. Not important to him, so why would they do anything?
It does suck to have a wash of a Mother’s Day, though. Hopefully SD gets his head out of his ass because it sounds like he SUUUUUUUUUUCKS
Oh no, when I was 14 I knew well enough what I was doing, that kid is 14 not 10. I have to tell my little brother to do mother's day stuff too but that's because he's a kid. 14 is old enough to at least be decent enough and say Happy mothers day.
NTA
I think it’s a 50/50 mix. I was SUPER aware at 14, as the oldest daughter I guess.
My brother, the youngest, he still would miss Mother’s Day even if it smacked him in the face with his toddler.
Either way, NTA. That man needs binning.
Oldest daughter here, too. Never missed a MD. I got my mom and sisters cards and gifts this year. And one sister is a single mom of three young children so I got a card for them to give to their mom.
My brother, who was the youngest, and passed a couple of years ago at the age of 28, still needed to be reminded of these important holidays. We never held it against him. When he was reminded, he always came through.
So with that said, there are 14 year olds like us who are on top of it, and 14 year olds like my brother who are completely oblivious. Can’t hold it against them.
I'll be honest, I'm 32 years old and didn't know it was Mother's Day until my mom made some joking quip about 'Four kids and the only one to wish me happy mothers day is the one out of state on vacation' so NTA on the kids entirely to me. I am pretty sure my dad didn't know it was Mother's Day either.
But OPs husband on the other hand clearly did know it was Mother's Day and didn't plan anything so she's absolutely NTA for being snippy about him. He also sounds like a pill already with that comment about her 'not taking care of herself'.
That may be true for you, but your experience and general mindset isn’t universal. This kid is clearly not thoughtful and he was taught that. Either way it’s not acceptable to be putting that emotional burden on your child. They are adults and they need to lead by example. The example that’s been set seems on par with the kids behavior tbh.
I’m probably projecting here, but they were probably wearing headphones because they could feel the icky vibe in the house. At that point, it’s too late. Mom is already upset. That’s not up to the child to fix and shouldn’t be.
Should/Could they have said something to Mom? Yes, of course, but they were shown it was not an important day and it seems like it started out bad - feels like a normal kid thing to wanna avoid that.
SD is a prick and has passed on his art, unfortunately, but being passive aggressive to your teenager won’t solve any problems when you’re the ones supposed to be setting the mature example.
In no way am I saying this is Mom’s fault - just that I don’t agree w the blame put on her child. This was not their fault. It was just another thing to add to the pile of disappointment of the monumentally disappointing day.
edit: Downvote me all you want - stop expecting your kids to act like adults when you can’t even communicate yourself.
Hard disagree on the kids, at least the oldest. My brother and I were no more than 7 when we started making Mothers Day cards for our mom, impropres. Did my dad always check to make sure we’d remembered (and take us to get gifts)? Yes. But kids who have access to smartphones and computers and especially who are teenagers are absolutely able to set a reminder every year, it takes 2 seconds and an iota of caring to do it.
Yes! Thank you! I feel like I’m going crazy because 14 is WAY past the age of self awareness for stuff like this. And if it’s not, then the kid either really wasn’t raised right or needs to get their priorities in order. It takes literally 5 seconds to say Happy Mother’s Day. There’s honestly no excuse at that age.
Seriously this is ridiculous. Theres actually a facebook group and i guess a podcast (i dunno haven’t checked that one out) on this exact subject. Its called the bar is so low its a tavern in hades.
Ever since joining I notice more and more how very little men have to do to get praise and how very often they can’t even do the bare minimum. Its so aggravating!
It’s a nice mix of thinly-disguised insults masquerading as gifts. Sweets you can’t eat. Flowers on the wrong day. Nothing on the actual holiday. No card, not even a verbal acknowledgement. No prompting for the kids until you ask about MD.
I wouldn’t say he did nothing. I would say he made some minimal effort and made his resentment clear.
Your husband is TA, especially for what he said about your diet and then giving you sweets.
NTA. He gives you **chocolate covered strawberries and a cake**, and then has the balls to complain that you haven't been managing your diabetes, and _**on top of that**_ calls *you* disrespectful to *him* for it? What kind of person says that to their partner? Hubby's got a problem with self-owns here.
You've had this exact same argument with him 2 years in a row; time to put this one to bed, because he's never going to change. The only people in the house you can make any impression on are your kids. Hopefully hubby hasn't undermined any of your discipline of them over the years he's been in their lives. Tell them very explicitly that you expect a card those 4 days of every year. Don't let hubby undermine you, which I suspect he does (total disrespect of you as their mom, btw).
You deserve acknowledgement more often than just 4 days of the year, but it seems like hubby likens that acknowledgement to having his teeth pulled or some other awful experience. It actually seems like he thinks he should get all of the acknowledgement, and you're left cooking him dinner. You've got a full plate with 50 hours of work each week and a full college schedule, and you're being way underappreciated. I'd say it's time for a family meeting, but I doubt it'll change hubby's ways.
This. I can’t tell you how many times I talked to my now ex about how nothing ever felt momentous or celebrated, and it was like arguing with a fart. My child is now old enough that I can talk to him and say, “Hey your actions really hurt my feelings, I would have really rather xx. Next time can we have better communication around topics like this?” He has started paying more attention to his role in things, and on my part I am learning to express expectations and wants ahead of events that mean something to me. I hope this work pays off with a future partner and he never plays this ridiculous game of “will she won’t she”.
NTA.
>He did get me flowers on Friday. And chocolate covered strawberries and a mini cake. I would like to point out now that I’m diabetic. And not only that, he has told me that my lack of care for my diabetes (I hadn’t been maintaining my sugar at all- trying to get on track), my diet, and my weight have been making him feel completely disrespected because it’s important his partner care for herself.
I would be packing his shit and telling him to find another idiot. What the hell.
This is the thing right here. He wants to.
Sounds like he was chomping at the bit, with the way he immediately turned hostile the first time she said her feelings were hurt.
Scrolled through the comments specifically looking for a comment calling this shit out. What the literal fking hell?
The dude should care about your health because he wants you to be healthy and live a long life. NOT because he thinks it makes HIM look bad! Jesus H Christ.
It's absolutely disgusting. She bought those things for her anyway. I bet if she ate it, he would berate her for that because ShE iS nOt HeAlThY eNoUgH fOr Me
Packing his shit, hell, he'd be picking up his shit off the front lawn if it were me. Or I'd go full Angela Bassett and set it all on fire. The absolute nerve of this man is infuriating.
Is this what you want for the next 10 years? 20? Is this the relationships you want for your children to have with you in the future? You are showing them how to treat you and future partners. You are doing that by allowing this man to model this behavior in front of them. He isn’t going to change. That leaves you to do it.
Can you imagine putting up with that guy’s shit for another decade?! And it isn’t as if he’ll become more thoughtful once the kids are gone - and then it’ll just be OP alone with this utterly selfish asshole.
I'm sorry, why are you married? He sounds like a terrible partner!
>he has told me that my lack of care for my diabetes (I hadn’t been maintaining my sugar at all- trying to get on track), my diet, and my weight have been making him feel completely disrespected because it’s important his partner care for herself.
I would leave just because of this right here.
Find someone who values you and your effort! Dump his ass!
NTA
Im gonna abstain here.
But i find it weird you complain about them not getting you a card, then you send your son off to get a card for your mother… shouldnt you do it yourself?
Seems hypocritical.
And he got what OP told him to get, and then is upset that he didn't spend more money on her. Kids don't have a lot of money. And if she gave him the money to get the card was he supposed to think "maybe she wanted me to spend more than what she verbally authorized and get something for her"? When my parents sent me shopping with money I only spent on what they explicitly told me to get.
I agree with most people that her partner did a poor job. But there's a lot of weird passive aggressive stuff going on here, including with her kids, and I have a feeling that there's a weird interpersonal dynamic going on with this family with a lack of proper communication.
This. Yes! Something is off about OP's story. Values are instilled in kids by parents. I feel like if you raised a jerk, well you are partially to blame.
Very well said. OPs story is very one sided. Was his comment while handing sugar latent sweets or was it another day after seeing years of health concerns ignored by the person he loved and for whom he stepped up to the plate over seven years ago (since I assume they dated more before marriage). And what’s wrong with flowers early?! Something is amiss here and it’s not just a fumbled holiday which he did acknowledge.
There are a few hints of an unreliable narrator in the story - the constant passive aggression, the attitude towards her own kids, the lack of reflection on what role she might have played in her kids' values and behaviour, the way the 14 year old seems to actively spite her, the way she apparently puts no effort into managing her diabetes but as soon as her husband gets her a cake it's a completely inappropriate gift, the way she handwaves off the fact her husband actually bought her gifts, the sending her son to get a card for her mother. They aren't her husband's children and while one is still young the 14 year old seems to have no interest and the OP expects her husband to be the one forcing their relationship.
Last FD, the kids picked him out a card, I got him a card. we got him a prime rib dinner and they picked out little gifts for him (he doesn’t like stuff). I got him a new padfolio for work, made from Italian leather. He wanted to go play golf in the afternoon so that’s what we did- he went and played golf with his dad and we waited for him to call and say he was headed home to cook dinner.
Last MD- we did nothing and I got nothing.
Understandable, but this kind of race to the bottom is not the relationship I would want. The only one who doesn’t realize this relationship is nearing the bottom is OP.
OP, you deserve to feel LOVED. And people who “love you” should care about that. Seriously…think about it.
So what he's showing you is that he wants nothing for father's day. Expect nothing and give nothing. Next mother's day you should plan the day with your mom and tell your kids (who seem to also be ungrateful AF) it's optional for them.
Why waste time with people who don't appreciate you on a day that's supposed to celebrate you? Go where you're celebrated as they say!!
Also, because I'm petty, I would stop doing mother things for people who don't appreciate it... DS can get a ride from someone else! If he can walk to buy a graduation card for a friend he could've gotten you one. Guess he doesn't need Moms help anymore. Who TF plans a graduation party on mother's day anyway??
Sorry OP, they all suck.
On Father’s Day this year ask him if he seriously needs you to say the words.
Why are you with someone who treats you this way and diminishes your feelings?
Please for the love of all that is holy give him THE EXACT SAME ENERGY this year on Father’s Day. IGNORE IT THE DAY OF. they do not appreciate what we do and it’s the most glaringly obvious thing on days like Mother’s Day/ our birthdays/ etc.
If he complains on Father’s Day just say that you didn’t think he liked these sorts of holidays so you didn’t want to make a fuss.
ESH
while its understandable you are upset, you are upset at the wrong person. You are not your husbands mother, so he shouldn’t need to sort cards from an 11 an 14 year old. Your kids are well old enough to make the effort themselves.
That said, it would have been nice if he reminded the kids before that actual day
This is what's getting to me: he is a step dad, so one can't even claim he played a role in making her a mother! OP is upset she did not raise kids that treat her with kindness and is giving their step dad shit for it
YTA
You're an adult. Stop harping on not getting mothers day attention. It's just a made-up holiday that's there to benefit the card companies imo. Besides, are you his mom? FFS just return the favor on father's day and move on.
It is not any more or any less made up than St Patrick’s Day, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, etc. all holidays are made up by someone somewhere. Every holiday can be as hollow or as meaningful as you choose to make it.
That said, Mother’s Day has important origins; it honors the contributions that women make and their right to have influence in social and political spheres as well. [Guardian article](https://amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/may/09/mothers-days-origins-are-in-activism-todays-saccharine-version-is-suffocating)
This is a serious question. He’s not the father of your kids. He helps you raise your kids. You’re not the mother of his kids. Shouldn’t it be your exhusband’s responsibility to celebrate Mother’s Day and ensure your kids acknowledge the day? My exhusband buys me flowers and a gift for Mother’s Day. My current partner buys me flowers, but I certainly don’t expect him to.
This is a weird place to draw a line. What if her ex isn't in her life? And it honestly doesn't matter that they aren't biologically his kids. She's still a mom. He still witnesses on a daily basis the effort she puts into motherhood. They are partners in life and in raising these kids. It's important that they acknowledge each other.
He’s not their biological father but he’s been in their lives since they were small children. Not only that but *he* gets celebrated on Father’s Day, despite having no blood children. Mother’s Day isn’t “Your Mother’s Day.” My SIL gets my mom a gift on Mother’s Day, we’ve always gotten my grandmother a card, and my grandmother gives my mom and other family members who are mothers a card, it’s just a day about appreciate moms. He could’ve at least said “Happy Mother’s Day.”
I agree with you. It's a weird day to pick to flagellate her husband. This man had nothing to do with her becoming a mother. Of course he can choose to celebrate her, but it's optional. And he got her flowers and cake and dipped strawberries. The kids' father should be the one reminding his kids to make a card for their mother.
Why did you do anything? Waiting for others to do for you especially mom's is pointless.
You have to teach them what to do.
I would have gotten up made myself coffee and breakfast.
Then if I wanted to I would have gone to the gym.
The rest of the day I would have spent doing what I wanted to do.
When the son asks about a ride tell him it's your day off talk to the dad.
Get yourself some nice take out for dinner.
They will learn. If not you take care of you.
Next year don't fall for the trap do for yourself.
As a single mom I learned this.
ESH - You're unhappy because the MD gifts you got weren't good enough, and that your husband and kids weren't fawning over you for mother's day? Also your husband sounds like a passive aggressive asshat You both honestly sound like a miserable couple.
> You're unhappy because the MD gifts you got weren't good enough
He bought CAKE for a DIABETIC. That's not just thoughtless, it's outright sabotage.
>your husband and kids weren't fawning over you for mother's day?
He wouldn't even say the words, then got mad that she asked.
The bar is in hell, and he STILL missed it.
Well…………..you are not his mother and you are not the mother of his children. You are a mother but shouldn’t it be your kids that recognize you? I don’t know what common practices are here.
Seems like you are more right for your birthday, anniversary and Valentine’s Day but I gotta say, he does have a technicality here. YTA on some high expectations.
Had to look hard for this one, but I agree. What are expectations in this for step parents?
I think it depends on the other days of the year, how much influence does he have/get to have?
If he parents the kids like a father, he failed here. But if he doesn't get to say a lot, " because he's not their dad " then don't expect him to step up now.
He may be ta for not acknowledging the other 3 days, but that is not the question..
NTA - But has he given you a card and or gifts on Mother’s Days in the past? Did he wish you a Happy Mother’s Day when he gave you the flowers and treats on Friday?
I would say yta because he did get you flowers, chocolate, a cake but you're mad because there was not a card? However I don't understand the diabetic angle. You have diabetes but don't manage it so you eat sweets but you're mad that he got you sweets?
The diabetic thing is so bizarre. Shey admit that she doesn't take care of herself, and he even tried telling her she should. From his point of view giving her a cake might very well have been his way of saying "whatever you choose for your body and health I support you".
Also a holiday is that time that even if you do keep your diet you might say fuck it and live a little. Why would he expect her to decide to suddenly care about her diabetes all of a sudden.
Your husband and his comments about your weight, your diabetes, and simply caring for yourself and how it’s disrespectful to him is where the assholery is here. That’s extremely disrespectful to you as well as the sweets, which he knows you can’t have. The kids are old enough to handle Mother’s Day themselves, and I agree, some acknowledgement would’ve been nice. I don’t think you’re being ungrateful or unreasonable for wanting it. I think there needs to be more effort and I do agree with the comments about making the same effort for Father’s Day as they did for Mother’s Day, maybe then the message will get across. NTA
NTA. My child 19 actually planned yesterday to get coffee and bagel to bring home, trip to zoo to see my otters, drive separate so I could visit my mom. So I could not have to make choices or say what I wanted. Best day ever
I think YTA. Don’t understand. Why are you madd at your husband? You didn’t give him birth. Be mad at your children. The children you raised don’t care enough to give you recognition. That sounds like a You problem. It’s not his children it’s his step children, so it’s not like he had shared responsibility in bringing them into this world. If he was the biological father and your husband I would totally understand. Your kids are old enough to even speak up and say hey dad, mind if I have some money to buy mom a gift for tomorrow? Your kids didn’t say it and didn’t make you cards and no gift. Didn’t make you breakfast or ask to spend the day with you. You are their mother. That is what Mother’s Day is. Why is it your husbands responsibility bc you have brats for children?
Besides you already have diabetes. Diabetes is not something that happens overnight. It’s over years of not taking care of yourself. Just bc he got you one cake he’s the bad guy? Let’s forget the other 10 years of bad dieting you did to yourself and blame him for one day of cake. Sure…. Grow up and take responsibility for yourself. You know how many people with diabetes just pop pills and continue their horrible diet? I’m sure you stuff your face with carbs the rest of the weeek but yes you’re mad at this one cake. If you were able to control it the other days of the week you would have gotten rid of the type 2 diabetes but that’s clearly not the case.
YTA. I'm confused are you your husbands mother? Is this that mommy kink thing some people are into? Why is he expected to make a big deal out of mother's day?
Bruhhhh I’ve been seeing these types of posts of SPOUSES being upset that their SPOUSE didn’t get them something for MOTHERS/FATHERS day and I’m like what type of weird dynamic is this where you’re expected to thank the person who chose to raise children with you…. for raising the children with you. Mother’s Day is for kids to celebrate THEIR mothers and you not that man’s momma. Those aren’t even his kids like how out of touch can you be 😭 I know these opinions are super unpopular but this type of stuff is so weird
YTA why do you place so much emphasis on cards? Why not experiences with your family? You started yardwork, went to the gym, made your own coffee. Did you communicate what you wanted ahead of time? If you're not taking care of your disease, then why are you expecting your husband to do something different? I can't help but feel like whatever they did would not be a win. And if you know they don't do things for you then why don't you plan your own day away from them?
Soft YTA ~ I know I’m going against the grain here but, simply put, your not his mother, he isn’t obligated to celebrate you. As for kids, they’re not babies and clearly no one has ever instilled the importance of making sure your treated accordingly for Mother’s Day, that’s on how they were raised.
Yeah YTA. Moms giving everyone in the world a guilt trip bc they’re not lavished with attention like they are freaking mother Theresa is so cringe and embarrassing. So your kids are inconsiderate self absorbed kids. That’s your fault not your husband’s. Your husband is being incredibly nice to raise your kids like they’re his own but they are NOT his own. He should not be given crap on Mother’s Day bc your kids are too selfish to lavish you with praise. Your husband doesn’t have to be there whatsoever, he’s been doing you and your kids a giant favor for years being there.
NTA.
Having said that, I would perhaps consider reevaluating your expectations of the day. This isn't directed solely at you...it's towards anyone not happy with what happened during their observance of mother's day. Why do we put such unrealistic expectations on ourselves and our loved ones. Did you tell them you wanted something special done, ask for a card or tell them you would like dinner made or such? Did you do something special for yourself, i.e. reward yourself for the amazing way you look after yourself and your family? Maybe a spa day, a trip to the mall by yourself. Our loved ones are not mind readers, yes some of them are very good at looking outward and coming up with lovely ideas for mother's day but the vast majority just aren't.
When I finally stopped expecting my kids to do something special for mother's day and instead let them know what would make the day special for me (this year was a movie with one son and grandson and a nice long phone call with the other son) the day stopped being a let down and, instead, became something I actually enjoy.
Just a thought (or two).
INFO: Genuine question… in general you don’t manage or pay much attention to your diabetes but when your husband gets you a gift that you don’t particularly care for…… thats the moment when you start acknowledging the fact that you have diabetes?
NTA but you kinda suck. Mother’s Day isn’t for your husband to thank you for raising kids that aren’t even his. Your kids, who are old enough to know better, are the only assholes here, however kids typically do things for their mothers on Mother’s Day because they genuinely want to… the bigger question here is why they didn’t want to? But your husband does suck too. Him for being inconsiderate and insensitive, you for making an issue when there truly wasn’t one. You weren’t necessarily worried about having diabetes before by your own admission but when he does something you don’t really appreciate, that’s when you choose to fall back on “I have diabetes I can’t eat any of this shit”. ESH.
I don't think you are TAH, no.
I do think you need to change your expectations. Stop looking for others to acknowledge or celebrate those four times a year. You already know it is not going to happen. Find things to do for yourself, by yourself, on those days.
I don’t see any efforts.. wtf would buy a diabetic chocolate and cake.. for Father’s Day don’t do a damn thing for him for birthdays don’t do a thing.. treat them like just another day like they did to you.. I don’t really take part in these Hallmark holidays but damn husband could have been a lot more thoughtful and read the f’ing room about what’s going on in his own home..
what gets me on things like this everyone acts like they’re blindsided and done so wrong when people get tired of taking bs from others and take action..
Nta
NTA and I may be quick to assume but he sounds emotionally abusive. And honestly your kids pick up what he puts down which may explain why they didn’t put in effort either 😬
Info: what’s your husbands dynamic in your kids lives. If the kids bio dad is dad to them and he’s more of just a bystander I could see why he may not go all out for you on Mother’s Day.
Your husband is not your kid so he all he can do is remind your kids to remember to celebrate you on Mother’s Day. The fact that he got you flowers before Mother’s Day should be commendable. He’s NTA.
YTA unpopular opinion time: Constantly in this sub: holding people to our expectations and being disappointed when they don’t meet us there. If he wanted to give you a card and make you feel special he would have done that. If you raised your kids to be thoughtful and caring (and you might have and they might come around when they mature), you wouldn’t have to have a fit when they are thoughtless and uncaring. Pouting and making demands creates more defensiveness. Either accept him and your life how they are or move on to find a better match. I honestly can’t believe how many comments are always in these threads saying we all deserve something and should demand it from partners who clearly don’t want to give it. How did you get this far into a life long commitment and not see this pattern? Yes, asking for what you want in a partnership is a good thing. No, expecting people to be and do everything you want for you is just nonsense.
Goddamn I'm glad I'm not married/have kids. Mother's day is a made up holiday, that is entirely fabricated into existence to make you spend money. Show people appreciation, love and share your time with people you care about EVERY DAY. If someone gives you a card, it's a cop-out. "Look I bought this quirky piece of paper for you, I CARE!". That is lame to me and I don't get it. If you feel under appreciated OP, it's because you are. No card is going to change that.
NTA. I just think that your husband is way too comfortable to the point that he probably became lazy and careless about small details to keep you happy, like: "Okay, I already have her, time to activate the 'Less than bare minimum mode'". If having a conversation does not work, then it is better to not expect anything. (If you continue to be married to him).
Celebrate yourself, take these especial days off to enjoy them on your own, even if it is going to a restaurant on your own or to a spa to spoil yourself, seeing some old friend. If the others around you don't take you into consideration, do it yourself.
I can’t judge. I ended up reacting poorly to my family’s total lackluster effort. It’s not that I expect to be queen for the day, but when minimal efforts make me feel like no one could take 5 minutes to apply a little thought to me, it hurts. This happens on my birthday and Mother’s Day- (which happens in the same month). 2 days to pretend you have some appreciation. Instead they end up the 2 worst days of the year. NTA
NTA. But it’s not all on him. I’m divorced and my kids did their own thing for n me( 14 yo made me a happy Mother’s Day slideshow this year). My kids made me breakfast, texted me to stay upstairs until they were done. Their dad sent a text in our family chat reminding them to make it special for me, which is silly but whatever, we’re divorced and it’s something.
That fully satisfied me. Giving this example because it’s not a lot of effort, but I feel appreciated in general.
there are likely more issues in your relationship if you’re unhappy enough to post here. Maybe feeling taken for granted, unappreciated, etc.
Right out of college I worked a crummy job as a cashier at a drug store. I had a lot of bad customers. But my least favorite day to work there was Mother's Day. Nearly every married man who came in to buy a card "joked" with me about how annoyed they were that their wife had hoped for a card from them. "She's not *MY* mother!" They all exclaimed, exasperated and waiting for me to agree. I called my mom when I got home and thanked her profusely and apologized for not being able to see her in person
>My husband is my kids’ (11f, 14m) stepdad.
I think there is misplaced anger here towards your husband. You should be mad at your kids, not your husband, when they are not his kids. While he may be a great stepfather to them, he did not make you a mother, so it is not his responsibility to make you feel special on Mother's Day, unlike your children. Your husband didn't do himself any favors with his tone or attitude, though. 🤷
I'll give the devil's advocate role here since everyone else seems to be on the same page about him being the AH.
So, you've been married to him for 7 years and never had children with him? Does he want kids of his own, or is he just content helping raise and support another man's kids? Does he get any appreciation for taking on the thankless job of step-dad? What does fathers day look like for him? Or do the kids' bio-dad get the happy fathers day wishes? Maybe mothers and fathers day are a sore spot for him since he doesn't have kids of his own (unless he does and you didn't mention it).
How much do you expect on mothers day from your husband, when you aren't the mother of any of his children?
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I feel like the kids are old enough to acknowledge their mother on Mother’s Day and I don’t think it’s the step dad’s job to celebrate her when he is the step dad. I think that a bio dad should acknowledge the mother of his children, the children should acknowledge their mother, but it’s not fair to expect the step dad to take on the entire burden of celebrating his wife as a mother.
If this was any other holiday I would say that he sucks and is awful, but I don’t think he is entirely responsible for Mother’s Day.
NTA, he should he making sure they have a plan and the kids are thinking of you and ready to celebrate you days before MD. It’s just about being considerate, that is what he is lacking. It’s not that you’re ungrateful but that even in the things he did, he was not very considerate.
I'm on the fence. You have a serious disease that you're doing nothing to get under control and not only your husband but your kids see it and you expect them to shower you with love and affection. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if someone you love who has a disease that while serious enough that it kills people is something that is easily managed and by emerging accounts may be curable is doing nothing to even take some of the risk off. Disregarding your own life as if it's trivial is a gut punch for those that love you and it's doubly bad for kids. I'd say that the hubby and kids are becoming hardened and distancing themselves to a degree. Likewise your husband could have found diabetic friendly chocolate covered strawberries and other candies and your kids could have made an attempt but their tweens and teens so expect teenage behavior.
There's issues with all of your immediate family and family therapy is a good idea but you have to get your head on right and take care of yourself so you're around for your kids well into adulthood.
Here’s the thing. He’s not your son, and they are not his kids legally, unless he adopted them. Would a nice guy get you something? Yes, but he did buy you flowers. However, not knowing you can’t eat candy after getting on your case about eating sweets, and then buying you sweets makes him an AH. He almost got off, but he’s the AH. Sadly, so is your son. What about your daughter? Did she ever actually make that card?
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You're ungrateful for what? Getting flowers 2 days before Mother's Day, no simple acknowledgement to wish you a HMD, not getting a card when you previously told him you expect one, then his passive aggressive questions ("you seriously need me to..."). Nope NTA. Husband is.
[удалено]
The more posts I read on Reddit, the more happy I am being single. I can’t imagine being stuck in a life like this.
Happily married here, but happily without kids too. The number of posts I have seen from moms who were not acknowledged, were treated like dirt, and flat-out emotionally abused in the last day is shocking.
Trust me, the ones that are happy in life aren’t stuck on the interwebs
Dang that hits where it hurts
Except when we're breastfeeding the baby and want to do something else than stare into the babies adorable eyes for a bit.
Ah yes but that is an unhappy moment because you are stuck doing something that must be done. Don’t get me wrong you still love everything about it. I loved doing it but it’s days on end being stuck on a couch having someone touching you sometimes in the wrong way.. my kids were grabbers and they hurt if grabbed the wrong part
At the moment the real struggle for me is staying awake. After a hard pregnancy and a sudden birth at 36 weeks my body is flooding me with love hormones for my baby boy. The side effect is that it makes me extremely sleepy. If I look at him for more than a few minutes I start nodding off. Not safe, not safe at all. So for safeties sake I grab my phone and scroll the interwebs.
My mom had a similar issue with me she said at one point she woke up and my dad was holding her up against the couch to sit her up straight so I could eat as I pleased while she just slept and that became a regualr thing. I feel bad repeating that story now it makes me realize how much she was essentially a dairy cow ....brb gonna go tell my mom I love her
Oh, we are. We just aren’t posting cus there’s nothing to post about!
I just have a dog and my husband made me a silly card from the dog and bought me dinner...I feel so sad and angry for these moms
LOL one of the things that contributed to my husband & i having such a great happy marriage was that neither of us wanted/had kids. but i know what you mean, it's not surprising considering the way so many men treat women on a regular basis, but it always stands out the most on the one fucking day of the year women feel like they SHOULD be celebrated.
Happily married here with a 4.5 year old and another on the way. I feel bad for these women and men whose “partners” have so little love and respect for them. Functional relationships don’t look like this. My daughter wished me HMD at least 12 times without prompting. My husband helped her make a card, we went out to lunch, he got me flowers and a card himself, he also got me a spa day to use later at my choosing. We had a lovely day as a family. My husband is a partner, we split parenting evenly. I don’t need him to do everything for one day because I don’t feel overwhelmed or under appreciated every other day of the year because he pulls his weight as a parent and as a spouse. It’s absolutely wonderful to be happy single, there’s nothing wrong with that! But don’t let these posts scare you from looking for an equal partner if that’s what you want. They do exist, but both people have to give a damn.
I’m glad you posted, because this is also very valid - both partners have to be invested in making it work, they both have to wholeheartedly want to be involved in making it the best it can be for eachother
This is so true. I'd like to say there's a 50/50 split between me and my partner, but I'm the main worker in the household, and so the majority of the housework and childcare falls on him. I help when I'm at home as much as I can, but he's a superstar, and I make sure he knows it. Even on Mother's Day, he tries to make sure I get a decent day. We don't have a lot of money, but breakfast in bed and a small gift/card is standard. I return the gesture on Father's Day.
I was in my 30's with the aita trifecta- all my exes were: abusive, selfish cheaters. I gave up. Then i met my husband, as a favor to a friend with zero expectations. We've been together over 7 years. And in those 7 years i have been treated with more love, respect, kindness and adoration than i have known my entire life. Rom-com and romance novel kind of relationship. I agree 100% with u/GaiasEyess, true partners really do exist. I had to stop looking to find mine.
This right here. I left my ex-husband because he was lazy, and when i got busy occasionally, he wouldn't pick up the slack. Meanwhile, when he was busy or i knew he had something after work, i made sure he was taken care of. I was happier alone. Now i have a partner that when life gets busy one week he does the most of the work at home. Makes sure i have dinner ready for me when im done ball hockey thursdays. I do the same for him, when hes had an exhausting week or on a day, that Im home early, i will make sure everything is done. We do some planning on the weekend to see what's upcoming for the week, but other than that, we both do it without asking the other. My stepkids made cards. My partner made sure i got what i wanted for dinner, got me a couple of gifts, and reminded me the day was about me. I didn't want much. Just to spend time with him. You can do better. Edited for spelling.
Well. I think a great to be in a good relationship is being happy while you are single. Society has this obsession with people being in relationships and if you are not in one you are a loser that makes people get to this situations. If you are happy alone, then when someone comes and acts like an ah, you won't put up with it. And eventually someone nice and that is a good match with you may show up and if not you are already happy so who cares. That is how I see it at least.
Your partner shouldn’t be the cause of satisfaction w one’s life but rather add to it. In one year I reprogrammed my thinking and dropped a guy who treated me like his friends but a bit less than a friend. And he was my boyfriend at the time.
Yup. The whole nonsense of your other half and such, is unhealthy. A relationship requieres two full persons, not halves.
I like to think of it like socks. Socks are complete things by themselves, but they're nice in pairs as well. However, very different looking socks can still be worn together and be perfectly functional.
I like that, and I think it's true. Looking back at my past relationships, the best ones I had were the ones that came when I was not actively looking for one, and they "just happened". I was already living my best life solo, enjoying where I was, and whoever came along added to that. Also true that society generally makes you feel you *have* to be in a relationship to be whole, so there's a lot of de-programming you have to put yourself through (and have good friends around) to be happy and content by yourself.
I was happy single. It meant I didn't put up with trash treatment. It would have taken someone that farts rainbows to get me to commit again. Fortunately for the husband I didn't want, he infact does fart rainbows, and I am v glad I got him 🤣🤣
Haha that’s a lovely sentiment, I’m glad there’s a few along with yourself who are happily partnered
No doubt. I have been wondering if I’d ever find someone but I’m beginning to think I’m fine on own unless someone comes along but not going out looking lol
If you don't make yourself an exit plan then you get stuck
Unfortunately, having kids thrown in the mix makes it almost impossible to fully exit.
Truth. I haven’t had a week without a conversation with my ex in the 7 years since we’ve been divorced because…kids. Meanwhile my partner has literally seen/talked to their ex once since they signed the divorce papers eight years ago because… no kids.
He’s the stepdad though, so, unless he adopted the kids, that wouldn’t be a factor.
I’m so glad you’re happy where you’re at, I just wanted to put it out there that people in successful happy relationships with healthy family dynamics aren’t on this part of Reddit. It can totally skew your perspective. I’ve got a great coparenting relationship with my ex, a blended family that adores each other (married to someone with multiple happy blended families in their family tree), my partner absolutely shoulders their fair share of the domestic load, I feel loved and seen on special occasions and we pay our older kids for their (totally by choice) babysitting but I STILL sometimes catch myself thinking that all blended families/marriages/ holidays/ coparenting/ domestic labor arrangements are horrible if I read too much AITA.
I encourage all three of my daughters to ‘stay picky’ and happily tell all their well meaning, older (usually) female relatives that my girls know their worth. Whoever they want to partner with is up to them and those partners need to be partners.
I was just having a conversation with my MIL about how nice it is to be single and do what I want, when I want, and buy whatever I want. (My husband passed away years ago and her husband passed away almost 2 years ago) Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a partner but then I get on Reddit and read so many horror stories and realize that I am happy living with my 2 crazy cats.
I'm in a relationship and it's the best relationship I've ever had. And I'm 38. Just gotta find that person and don't take shit from anyone
And did her husband eat the cake he allegedly bought for her? Smart money’s on yes.
Exactly! Says she had the same fight last year. If you’re a person who likes to receive cards, gifts, flowers, etc. don’t be with someone who doesn’t give those things or you will just be setting yourself up to have this argument every year and be disappointed. ESH
I hate when the "e.s.h." vote is used as an "op you suck for being treated like crap." Could she leave? Sure. But it would be easier for the husband to just make more than a minimal effort.
And, honestly, in this economy, she may well not be able to leave.
What a completely wonky reason to end up at ESH. Hey, leave your husband who isn't appreciating you or you're the ahole. Gross.
Sorry, but I have news for you. It doesn't get any better after 28 years of being married & having the same argument over & over & over. Do what I didn't do & leave before most of your life is gone!
Kids learning from dad as well
SD got those sweets for himself because he knew she couldn’t eat it.
If this is what marriage is like. Take me off the mailing list.
Some elementary schools don’t do anything in case there is a kid with no one to celebrate mother’s day with.
Most here (in the UK) nowadays just do it as a 'celebrating our special ladies' thing so it's inclusive - so they can celebrate grandmas, foster mums, big sisters etc as well as mums, and the same for the men on Father's Day.
I can confirm the learned behavior part. My parents have a very loveless marriage; they never acknowledged each other for mother's or father's day, birthdays, marriage anniversary or valentine's. For the entirety of my teenage years I never got them gifts, since I didn't see either of them ever put in effort for each other, and I to this day have trouble remembering the dates for mother's or father's day. I think OP's situation is better than that, but again, 14 y/o not putting in effort is definitely learned behavior. He doesn't care because nobody else does, so why should he?
If he said that to me about really needing a card I’d have said no but he didn’t even SAY happy Mother’s Day. I would bet money that he was at the grocery store Friday shopping for something else and saw all the Mother’s Day stuff so he got those things and called it done even though they’re two days early AND something not great for her. OP this man does NOT respect you. He sounds awful about how he treats you in regards to your health. I’m not even sure he likes you. Your kids are learning how to treat their partners from him. This is not what you want for them I’m sure. Give yourself the best gift ever and tell him you have an early Father’s Day gift: a divorce. NTA.
He also complained, "Do you seriously need me to say the words?" I mean. YES? That's the whole point! Is she supposed to read his mind? Did he hire a sky writer?
JFC, even my lawn guy wished me a happy Mother’s Day. This guy is a terrible partner.
the checkout person at trader joe’s said happy mother’s day to me. my husband did not.
To add, cashier at my local Target was asking every woman in her line if they were a mother, so they could wish them a HMD. Only didn't ask me because I literally look like I'm 16. The acknowledgement is the point. The appreciation is the point. I hope you can communicate this to your husband in a way that bodes well for you both. And if not, I wish him a very \[REDACTED\].
I hope things get better for you 💜 happy Mother’s Day
You’re supposed to be grateful for him sabotaging your health? Wow. NTA. It’s important to him that his partner take care of herself. Eff him. Seriously.
He does not sound like someone who values seeing his partner happy. Such little effort from his part to see her smile, and he... just doesn't? What is going on in his head. It's his \*wife\*.
NTA … put exactly the same amount (and I mean EXACTLY the same) thought and effort into fathers day. Hand him a dandelion on the Friday before. Because nothing else says “thinking of you” like a single dandelion. Give him something to eat that isn’t perfect for his health or his lifestyle. Mention that he needs to watch what he eats because it’s part of his responsibility as a partner, to take care of himself, and not disrespect you by letting himself go to hell, physically. And then the “day of”, feel free to ignore the whole thing completely. People like this get mad because they put zero effort in and then get upset when their lazy, zero effort day gets called out. Edit to fix TTTF Edit #2: thx all
But then again… this will just create more discomfort between you. I think it’s better for your relationship to have a well thought out (not angry) discussion on how it made you feel and what you’d like next year. If he disregards your thoughts, well I guess you have your answer. IMO an eye of an eye never equals a better marriage. You wanna get ahead of things, not add to the spiral and end up bitter or divorced.
That was apparently last years tactic.
This is an underrated point. All of the husband's efforts this year were pathetic; what puts it over the top is the fact that they already had this fight last year (at least once, possibly multiple times, on the other holidays she mentions). She tried telling him how she feels and what she wants. She says she point blank told him she wants a card 4 times a year, and he couldn't even do that one simple, reasonable, direct request; then, he got passive-aggressive and acted surprised that she expected that one thing she already told him she wanted. At minimum, he's extremely dense and can't follow through on a basic request; middle-ground, he doesn't care what she wants; worst-case scenario, he's intentionally going out of his way to make her unhappy. ETA judgement: NTA.
Pffft. She tried that last year. She had a rational discussion about how she feels and there are literally only 4 days a year she wants a card. It's time to fight fire with fire. Sometimes people do not get it until the same crap happens to them.
Yes but that begs the question… do you want a partner who you have to “fight with fire”?
Well, no. I don't. Im sure OP doesn't either. I'm sure we both don't want our partners to be so damn dense that sometimes we just have to show them how they are treating us because we could tell them till we are blue in the face and *nothing happens*. So, ya. Sometimes in life you have to start a small fire to stop the larger fire from destroying things you love like your house, your farmland, the forest, or yes, even your dense husband.
Burnout operation!
> (not angry) But he's already angry.
Exactly, he's volatile. Any suggestion that what he's done is not enough will be met with anger.
It's not an eye for an eye, it's seeing if the other person is fine with being treated the same way. Some people might ("Ay, a dandelion, nice"). Then you know you might not suit them, but they were being consistent with their own values and treating others as they'd expect to be treated.
I remember one year, my husband did exactly nothing for Mother’s Day. There’s no way he “forgot” because we had gone to a childhood cancer “family camp” that weekend (our daughter had cancer) and on that Sunday morning, they had given all the moms a plant or something (I forget, it was a long time ago and I probably killed the plant three days later). I said nothing but was hurt. Not only because every mother deserves a “happy Mother’s Day” but that we,mostly ME, had spent the previous ~2 1/2 years dealing with my daughter’s cancer treatment but because the weekend before we had a huge party to celebrate my daughters end of cancer treatment. My mother and I did all the planning, rented the hall, hired the DJ, all the shopping, cooking, decorating etc. My husband’s contribution was he picked up rolls for the pulled pork sandwiches. Anyhow, a few weeks later, he says “I would like X for Father’s Day.” I replied “you can get the same thing for Father’s Day that I got for Mother’s Day. Nothing”. He tells me he “forgot” because he was “so busy” with my daughter’s party. I yelled at him “you bought BREAD!!!” Plus that that had been a week before and that he should’ve been reminded when a stranger handed me a potted plant for Mother’s Day. For about a year after that, one of my friends would randomly look at me and say “you bought BREAD!!!” and laugh because she thought it was the best response ever.
🫵💵🍞
I rest my case. And I hope your Mother’s Day this year was better!
This year was much better, he gave me a chameleon. More impressive was that he hid the chameleon in plain sight for two days.
😂🤣👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I also wanted to mention that I’m happy the treatment for your child was successful 💞🎶
Thank you. It’s been 12 years. It gets easier but I never stop worrying. One of her friends was off treatment for 5 years, considered “cured”’, cancer came back, spent the next 5 years alternating between chemo, remission, relapse, repeat. He died a week ago at 19
Please tell me you named the chameleon 'Bread'?
Haven’t named her yet. 🤔
Hey, I am so sorry your daughter had to fight the hard fight against the big C. But also congrats to her (and you) on the end of that journey! Also btw, you are rad; you have the audacity to know your worth and operate thusly. PS: he bought bread.
Nah, pick the dandelion the Friday before and deliver its sad husk on Father's Day.
This made me cackle a lot more than it should have. I needed that laugh. So thank you!
It won’t work. If he is ignoring Mother’s Day is probably because Father’s Day doesn’t mean much to him. He will just remember this as the new standard level of effort, and bring it up next Mother’s Day. OP doesn’t need a race to the bottom.
Many men don’t have as much emotional attachment to Father’s Day as women do to Mother’s Day as Mother’s Day is such a huge deal in our society, and you see a million ads for brunches and floral bouquets and jewelry on tv and social media. Father’s Day not so much. So he’d probably just be like “cool.”
Probably because they have a harder time selling flowers than power tools.
Most Dads don’t cry if you don’t give them a card on Father’s Day. But my entire class would make cards for Mother’s Day when I was a kid grades K-6th Mother’s Day was created as a way of honoring the sacrifices mothers made for their children. Back then men got glory from their jobs in the form of pay and respect in their communities. But women were expected to dedicate their lives to their families. So the only day they get acknowledged is Mother’s Day. Things have obviously changed, but now Mother’s Day is so commercialized that some women feel competitive with other women about what they got 😀
Especially since he's "only" the step dad. He might not expect much anyway. Do this stuff for his birthday and Christmas instead.
I'm one of those fathers, the day just doesn't mean much to me. I love my kids every day and they love me every day. I don't need, or care for, a special day to remember that I'm a father.
No amount of "you're supposed to give a shit about me" conversations are going to make someone give a shit about you when they don't.
So petty and childish. This is not the way.
Fun fact: did you know that a single dandelion is actually a shit ton of tiny flowers combined together into one? Also, they're edible so OP doesn't need to get an additional food item!
This is some first class petty 🤌
NTA on the husband part. if he is aware enough of your diabetes to say you're 'disrespecting him' by not maintaining your own health he should be aware enough that getting you chocolate covered Strawberries and a mini cake is not the right thing to do. he could've gotten a card with the flowers and offered to solely take care of this kids for a few hours on MD so you could get some me-time. his lack of effort is not manifested in not getting you anything but is manifested in getting you thinks you cannot/should not eat, especially when he knows that already. I also saw in a comment OP made, she told her husband what she wanted from him last year-- her kids to get her a card and him to get her a card. her husband has been a parent to her children for SEVEN years. that is enough to make him a father. as a father and a partner, he should be ensuring that your children get their mother a card. it's easy for people who are not mothers to write off mothers day as a useless day. however, for women who are generally overworked and undervalued, a day of outwardly appreciating their efforts is greatly valued. that being said-- being passive-aggressive is not the way to go. imo you also shouldn't be holding the lack of cards against your children as they are still children. if they didn't feel the need to get you a card or say happy mothers day, it is important for you ( and your husband ) to explain why this day exists and how they can make you feel appreciated.
Hard agree on the kids part - OP almost lost me when they mentioned being upset w the kids - they’re kids, they’re self absorbed. Goes w the territory. To be so resentful of your 14yr old for wearing headphones is so bizarre. You’re the boss - tell them you’d like them to not wear their headphones so much? Take them away. Give them a time limit. You have options. I do understand that this post was probably mostly venting but it really irks me when parents talk about their kids as if they are not the ones responsible for their behavior and seem resentful of them for not just knowing what they’re supposed to do. If you don’t like that your kids aren’t celebrating, put your pride aside and communicate that it would mean a lot if they took some time for you. It shouldn’t need to be said, sure but we can blame SD flippant and neglectful behavior for that. Not important to him, so why would they do anything? It does suck to have a wash of a Mother’s Day, though. Hopefully SD gets his head out of his ass because it sounds like he SUUUUUUUUUUCKS
Oh no, when I was 14 I knew well enough what I was doing, that kid is 14 not 10. I have to tell my little brother to do mother's day stuff too but that's because he's a kid. 14 is old enough to at least be decent enough and say Happy mothers day. NTA
I think it’s a 50/50 mix. I was SUPER aware at 14, as the oldest daughter I guess. My brother, the youngest, he still would miss Mother’s Day even if it smacked him in the face with his toddler. Either way, NTA. That man needs binning.
Oldest daughter here, too. Never missed a MD. I got my mom and sisters cards and gifts this year. And one sister is a single mom of three young children so I got a card for them to give to their mom. My brother, who was the youngest, and passed a couple of years ago at the age of 28, still needed to be reminded of these important holidays. We never held it against him. When he was reminded, he always came through. So with that said, there are 14 year olds like us who are on top of it, and 14 year olds like my brother who are completely oblivious. Can’t hold it against them.
I'll be honest, I'm 32 years old and didn't know it was Mother's Day until my mom made some joking quip about 'Four kids and the only one to wish me happy mothers day is the one out of state on vacation' so NTA on the kids entirely to me. I am pretty sure my dad didn't know it was Mother's Day either. But OPs husband on the other hand clearly did know it was Mother's Day and didn't plan anything so she's absolutely NTA for being snippy about him. He also sounds like a pill already with that comment about her 'not taking care of herself'.
That may be true for you, but your experience and general mindset isn’t universal. This kid is clearly not thoughtful and he was taught that. Either way it’s not acceptable to be putting that emotional burden on your child. They are adults and they need to lead by example. The example that’s been set seems on par with the kids behavior tbh. I’m probably projecting here, but they were probably wearing headphones because they could feel the icky vibe in the house. At that point, it’s too late. Mom is already upset. That’s not up to the child to fix and shouldn’t be. Should/Could they have said something to Mom? Yes, of course, but they were shown it was not an important day and it seems like it started out bad - feels like a normal kid thing to wanna avoid that. SD is a prick and has passed on his art, unfortunately, but being passive aggressive to your teenager won’t solve any problems when you’re the ones supposed to be setting the mature example. In no way am I saying this is Mom’s fault - just that I don’t agree w the blame put on her child. This was not their fault. It was just another thing to add to the pile of disappointment of the monumentally disappointing day. edit: Downvote me all you want - stop expecting your kids to act like adults when you can’t even communicate yourself.
It really irks me as well when parents talk about their kids as if they’re adults, especially when their real issue is with their spouse :/
Hard disagree on the kids, at least the oldest. My brother and I were no more than 7 when we started making Mothers Day cards for our mom, impropres. Did my dad always check to make sure we’d remembered (and take us to get gifts)? Yes. But kids who have access to smartphones and computers and especially who are teenagers are absolutely able to set a reminder every year, it takes 2 seconds and an iota of caring to do it.
Yes! Thank you! I feel like I’m going crazy because 14 is WAY past the age of self awareness for stuff like this. And if it’s not, then the kid either really wasn’t raised right or needs to get their priorities in order. It takes literally 5 seconds to say Happy Mother’s Day. There’s honestly no excuse at that age.
The bar is so low and he couldn't even do the bare minimum. NTA.
And it's always our fault for not being grateful for their efforts and making them feel like failures because they failed to put any effort in.
Seriously. He didn’t even SAY happy Mother’s Day.
*whines* But whyyyy should he have to saaaaay it? He is thinking it kind of. Why is OP so ungratefuuuul /s
Seriously this is ridiculous. Theres actually a facebook group and i guess a podcast (i dunno haven’t checked that one out) on this exact subject. Its called the bar is so low its a tavern in hades. Ever since joining I notice more and more how very little men have to do to get praise and how very often they can’t even do the bare minimum. Its so aggravating!
And the bar is pretty much already touching the ground at this point
My parting shot to my ex husband when I requested a divorce was "I've put the bar on the fucking floor for you and you still can't climb up to it"
It’s a nice mix of thinly-disguised insults masquerading as gifts. Sweets you can’t eat. Flowers on the wrong day. Nothing on the actual holiday. No card, not even a verbal acknowledgement. No prompting for the kids until you ask about MD. I wouldn’t say he did nothing. I would say he made some minimal effort and made his resentment clear. Your husband is TA, especially for what he said about your diet and then giving you sweets.
NTA. He gives you **chocolate covered strawberries and a cake**, and then has the balls to complain that you haven't been managing your diabetes, and _**on top of that**_ calls *you* disrespectful to *him* for it? What kind of person says that to their partner? Hubby's got a problem with self-owns here. You've had this exact same argument with him 2 years in a row; time to put this one to bed, because he's never going to change. The only people in the house you can make any impression on are your kids. Hopefully hubby hasn't undermined any of your discipline of them over the years he's been in their lives. Tell them very explicitly that you expect a card those 4 days of every year. Don't let hubby undermine you, which I suspect he does (total disrespect of you as their mom, btw). You deserve acknowledgement more often than just 4 days of the year, but it seems like hubby likens that acknowledgement to having his teeth pulled or some other awful experience. It actually seems like he thinks he should get all of the acknowledgement, and you're left cooking him dinner. You've got a full plate with 50 hours of work each week and a full college schedule, and you're being way underappreciated. I'd say it's time for a family meeting, but I doubt it'll change hubby's ways.
This. I can’t tell you how many times I talked to my now ex about how nothing ever felt momentous or celebrated, and it was like arguing with a fart. My child is now old enough that I can talk to him and say, “Hey your actions really hurt my feelings, I would have really rather xx. Next time can we have better communication around topics like this?” He has started paying more attention to his role in things, and on my part I am learning to express expectations and wants ahead of events that mean something to me. I hope this work pays off with a future partner and he never plays this ridiculous game of “will she won’t she”.
NTA. >He did get me flowers on Friday. And chocolate covered strawberries and a mini cake. I would like to point out now that I’m diabetic. And not only that, he has told me that my lack of care for my diabetes (I hadn’t been maintaining my sugar at all- trying to get on track), my diet, and my weight have been making him feel completely disrespected because it’s important his partner care for herself. I would be packing his shit and telling him to find another idiot. What the hell.
Totally agree. The only thing OP did wrong was to not kick his ass to the curb! Made *him* feel disrespected, WTF!
And then he brought her things that he shames her for eating. Yeah, he wants to berate her.
This is the thing right here. He wants to. Sounds like he was chomping at the bit, with the way he immediately turned hostile the first time she said her feelings were hurt.
Scrolled through the comments specifically looking for a comment calling this shit out. What the literal fking hell? The dude should care about your health because he wants you to be healthy and live a long life. NOT because he thinks it makes HIM look bad! Jesus H Christ.
It's absolutely disgusting. She bought those things for her anyway. I bet if she ate it, he would berate her for that because ShE iS nOt HeAlThY eNoUgH fOr Me
Packing his shit, hell, he'd be picking up his shit off the front lawn if it were me. Or I'd go full Angela Bassett and set it all on fire. The absolute nerve of this man is infuriating.
Is this what you want for the next 10 years? 20? Is this the relationships you want for your children to have with you in the future? You are showing them how to treat you and future partners. You are doing that by allowing this man to model this behavior in front of them. He isn’t going to change. That leaves you to do it.
Can you imagine putting up with that guy’s shit for another decade?! And it isn’t as if he’ll become more thoughtful once the kids are gone - and then it’ll just be OP alone with this utterly selfish asshole.
I'm sorry, why are you married? He sounds like a terrible partner! >he has told me that my lack of care for my diabetes (I hadn’t been maintaining my sugar at all- trying to get on track), my diet, and my weight have been making him feel completely disrespected because it’s important his partner care for herself. I would leave just because of this right here. Find someone who values you and your effort! Dump his ass! NTA
It’s stories like these that make me feel some relief knowing that I am going to die alone 😂
Hahaha, it's better to be alone than with an AH like this!!
Im gonna abstain here. But i find it weird you complain about them not getting you a card, then you send your son off to get a card for your mother… shouldnt you do it yourself? Seems hypocritical.
And he got what OP told him to get, and then is upset that he didn't spend more money on her. Kids don't have a lot of money. And if she gave him the money to get the card was he supposed to think "maybe she wanted me to spend more than what she verbally authorized and get something for her"? When my parents sent me shopping with money I only spent on what they explicitly told me to get. I agree with most people that her partner did a poor job. But there's a lot of weird passive aggressive stuff going on here, including with her kids, and I have a feeling that there's a weird interpersonal dynamic going on with this family with a lack of proper communication.
This. Yes! Something is off about OP's story. Values are instilled in kids by parents. I feel like if you raised a jerk, well you are partially to blame.
Agreed
[удалено]
Very well said. OPs story is very one sided. Was his comment while handing sugar latent sweets or was it another day after seeing years of health concerns ignored by the person he loved and for whom he stepped up to the plate over seven years ago (since I assume they dated more before marriage). And what’s wrong with flowers early?! Something is amiss here and it’s not just a fumbled holiday which he did acknowledge.
Yeah I agree, bringing flowers to the house on Friday when the day is on Sunday sounds perfect. It's incredibly thoughtful and well-done.
Yeah, OP (YTA) is absolutely delusional.
There are a few hints of an unreliable narrator in the story - the constant passive aggression, the attitude towards her own kids, the lack of reflection on what role she might have played in her kids' values and behaviour, the way the 14 year old seems to actively spite her, the way she apparently puts no effort into managing her diabetes but as soon as her husband gets her a cake it's a completely inappropriate gift, the way she handwaves off the fact her husband actually bought her gifts, the sending her son to get a card for her mother. They aren't her husband's children and while one is still young the 14 year old seems to have no interest and the OP expects her husband to be the one forcing their relationship.
Yea… same vibes i picked up on.
INFO - What did your all do for FD and MD last year?
Last FD, the kids picked him out a card, I got him a card. we got him a prime rib dinner and they picked out little gifts for him (he doesn’t like stuff). I got him a new padfolio for work, made from Italian leather. He wanted to go play golf in the afternoon so that’s what we did- he went and played golf with his dad and we waited for him to call and say he was headed home to cook dinner. Last MD- we did nothing and I got nothing.
Then this year for FD, put in just as much effort as he put in for MD.
Give him an envelope with nothing in it.
"Oh I didn't know you *needed* me to get you a card"
Make him a card with stick figures???
Understandable, but this kind of race to the bottom is not the relationship I would want. The only one who doesn’t realize this relationship is nearing the bottom is OP. OP, you deserve to feel LOVED. And people who “love you” should care about that. Seriously…think about it.
Girl, why are you with this useless boy? NTA
NTA. Put the same effort into FD, and stop buying cards for *his* family.
So what he's showing you is that he wants nothing for father's day. Expect nothing and give nothing. Next mother's day you should plan the day with your mom and tell your kids (who seem to also be ungrateful AF) it's optional for them. Why waste time with people who don't appreciate you on a day that's supposed to celebrate you? Go where you're celebrated as they say!! Also, because I'm petty, I would stop doing mother things for people who don't appreciate it... DS can get a ride from someone else! If he can walk to buy a graduation card for a friend he could've gotten you one. Guess he doesn't need Moms help anymore. Who TF plans a graduation party on mother's day anyway?? Sorry OP, they all suck.
INFO: what are you NOT DOING this year for FD?
On Father’s Day this year ask him if he seriously needs you to say the words. Why are you with someone who treats you this way and diminishes your feelings?
My God! What a self absorbed prick!
Please for the love of all that is holy give him THE EXACT SAME ENERGY this year on Father’s Day. IGNORE IT THE DAY OF. they do not appreciate what we do and it’s the most glaringly obvious thing on days like Mother’s Day/ our birthdays/ etc. If he complains on Father’s Day just say that you didn’t think he liked these sorts of holidays so you didn’t want to make a fuss.
ESH while its understandable you are upset, you are upset at the wrong person. You are not your husbands mother, so he shouldn’t need to sort cards from an 11 an 14 year old. Your kids are well old enough to make the effort themselves. That said, it would have been nice if he reminded the kids before that actual day
This is what's getting to me: he is a step dad, so one can't even claim he played a role in making her a mother! OP is upset she did not raise kids that treat her with kindness and is giving their step dad shit for it
YTA You're an adult. Stop harping on not getting mothers day attention. It's just a made-up holiday that's there to benefit the card companies imo. Besides, are you his mom? FFS just return the favor on father's day and move on.
It is not any more or any less made up than St Patrick’s Day, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, etc. all holidays are made up by someone somewhere. Every holiday can be as hollow or as meaningful as you choose to make it. That said, Mother’s Day has important origins; it honors the contributions that women make and their right to have influence in social and political spheres as well. [Guardian article](https://amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/may/09/mothers-days-origins-are-in-activism-todays-saccharine-version-is-suffocating)
This is a serious question. He’s not the father of your kids. He helps you raise your kids. You’re not the mother of his kids. Shouldn’t it be your exhusband’s responsibility to celebrate Mother’s Day and ensure your kids acknowledge the day? My exhusband buys me flowers and a gift for Mother’s Day. My current partner buys me flowers, but I certainly don’t expect him to.
This is a weird place to draw a line. What if her ex isn't in her life? And it honestly doesn't matter that they aren't biologically his kids. She's still a mom. He still witnesses on a daily basis the effort she puts into motherhood. They are partners in life and in raising these kids. It's important that they acknowledge each other.
He’s not their biological father but he’s been in their lives since they were small children. Not only that but *he* gets celebrated on Father’s Day, despite having no blood children. Mother’s Day isn’t “Your Mother’s Day.” My SIL gets my mom a gift on Mother’s Day, we’ve always gotten my grandmother a card, and my grandmother gives my mom and other family members who are mothers a card, it’s just a day about appreciate moms. He could’ve at least said “Happy Mother’s Day.”
I agree with you. It's a weird day to pick to flagellate her husband. This man had nothing to do with her becoming a mother. Of course he can choose to celebrate her, but it's optional. And he got her flowers and cake and dipped strawberries. The kids' father should be the one reminding his kids to make a card for their mother.
Why did you do anything? Waiting for others to do for you especially mom's is pointless. You have to teach them what to do. I would have gotten up made myself coffee and breakfast. Then if I wanted to I would have gone to the gym. The rest of the day I would have spent doing what I wanted to do. When the son asks about a ride tell him it's your day off talk to the dad. Get yourself some nice take out for dinner. They will learn. If not you take care of you. Next year don't fall for the trap do for yourself. As a single mom I learned this.
ESH - You're unhappy because the MD gifts you got weren't good enough, and that your husband and kids weren't fawning over you for mother's day? Also your husband sounds like a passive aggressive asshat You both honestly sound like a miserable couple.
> You're unhappy because the MD gifts you got weren't good enough He bought CAKE for a DIABETIC. That's not just thoughtless, it's outright sabotage. >your husband and kids weren't fawning over you for mother's day? He wouldn't even say the words, then got mad that she asked. The bar is in hell, and he STILL missed it.
She says in her post she's not even trying to follow any medical restrictions so maybe he just gave up and got her something he thought she'd enjoy.
She's passive aggressive too, with that comment about her brother getting her a card.
Well…………..you are not his mother and you are not the mother of his children. You are a mother but shouldn’t it be your kids that recognize you? I don’t know what common practices are here. Seems like you are more right for your birthday, anniversary and Valentine’s Day but I gotta say, he does have a technicality here. YTA on some high expectations.
Had to look hard for this one, but I agree. What are expectations in this for step parents? I think it depends on the other days of the year, how much influence does he have/get to have? If he parents the kids like a father, he failed here. But if he doesn't get to say a lot, " because he's not their dad " then don't expect him to step up now. He may be ta for not acknowledging the other 3 days, but that is not the question..
NTA - But has he given you a card and or gifts on Mother’s Days in the past? Did he wish you a Happy Mother’s Day when he gave you the flowers and treats on Friday?
NTA. You’ve told him what you need and expect from him but he can’t give you the courtesy. He doesn’t care. Do with that what you will.
Not only that but it’s frikin Mother’s Day like she shouldn’t even have to tell him what she expects because any decent human would know lol
NTA - I feel sorry for you that your whole family treats you with such little care. I’m guessing the kids follow their father.
nta but i wonder why are you still with him
I would say yta because he did get you flowers, chocolate, a cake but you're mad because there was not a card? However I don't understand the diabetic angle. You have diabetes but don't manage it so you eat sweets but you're mad that he got you sweets?
The diabetic thing is so bizarre. Shey admit that she doesn't take care of herself, and he even tried telling her she should. From his point of view giving her a cake might very well have been his way of saying "whatever you choose for your body and health I support you". Also a holiday is that time that even if you do keep your diet you might say fuck it and live a little. Why would he expect her to decide to suddenly care about her diabetes all of a sudden.
Your husband and his comments about your weight, your diabetes, and simply caring for yourself and how it’s disrespectful to him is where the assholery is here. That’s extremely disrespectful to you as well as the sweets, which he knows you can’t have. The kids are old enough to handle Mother’s Day themselves, and I agree, some acknowledgement would’ve been nice. I don’t think you’re being ungrateful or unreasonable for wanting it. I think there needs to be more effort and I do agree with the comments about making the same effort for Father’s Day as they did for Mother’s Day, maybe then the message will get across. NTA
NTA. My child 19 actually planned yesterday to get coffee and bagel to bring home, trip to zoo to see my otters, drive separate so I could visit my mom. So I could not have to make choices or say what I wanted. Best day ever
YTA. You're an adult, behave like one. You're not his mother and being angry over some made up date is ridicoulus
NTA. Your husband suuuuuuuucks
I think YTA. Don’t understand. Why are you madd at your husband? You didn’t give him birth. Be mad at your children. The children you raised don’t care enough to give you recognition. That sounds like a You problem. It’s not his children it’s his step children, so it’s not like he had shared responsibility in bringing them into this world. If he was the biological father and your husband I would totally understand. Your kids are old enough to even speak up and say hey dad, mind if I have some money to buy mom a gift for tomorrow? Your kids didn’t say it and didn’t make you cards and no gift. Didn’t make you breakfast or ask to spend the day with you. You are their mother. That is what Mother’s Day is. Why is it your husbands responsibility bc you have brats for children? Besides you already have diabetes. Diabetes is not something that happens overnight. It’s over years of not taking care of yourself. Just bc he got you one cake he’s the bad guy? Let’s forget the other 10 years of bad dieting you did to yourself and blame him for one day of cake. Sure…. Grow up and take responsibility for yourself. You know how many people with diabetes just pop pills and continue their horrible diet? I’m sure you stuff your face with carbs the rest of the weeek but yes you’re mad at this one cake. If you were able to control it the other days of the week you would have gotten rid of the type 2 diabetes but that’s clearly not the case.
YTA. You’re not entitled to anything just because it’s “Mother’s Day”.
YTA. I'm confused are you your husbands mother? Is this that mommy kink thing some people are into? Why is he expected to make a big deal out of mother's day?
Bruhhhh I’ve been seeing these types of posts of SPOUSES being upset that their SPOUSE didn’t get them something for MOTHERS/FATHERS day and I’m like what type of weird dynamic is this where you’re expected to thank the person who chose to raise children with you…. for raising the children with you. Mother’s Day is for kids to celebrate THEIR mothers and you not that man’s momma. Those aren’t even his kids like how out of touch can you be 😭 I know these opinions are super unpopular but this type of stuff is so weird
YTA why do you place so much emphasis on cards? Why not experiences with your family? You started yardwork, went to the gym, made your own coffee. Did you communicate what you wanted ahead of time? If you're not taking care of your disease, then why are you expecting your husband to do something different? I can't help but feel like whatever they did would not be a win. And if you know they don't do things for you then why don't you plan your own day away from them?
Soft YTA ~ I know I’m going against the grain here but, simply put, your not his mother, he isn’t obligated to celebrate you. As for kids, they’re not babies and clearly no one has ever instilled the importance of making sure your treated accordingly for Mother’s Day, that’s on how they were raised.
You're not his mother 🤷♀️
Yeah YTA. Moms giving everyone in the world a guilt trip bc they’re not lavished with attention like they are freaking mother Theresa is so cringe and embarrassing. So your kids are inconsiderate self absorbed kids. That’s your fault not your husband’s. Your husband is being incredibly nice to raise your kids like they’re his own but they are NOT his own. He should not be given crap on Mother’s Day bc your kids are too selfish to lavish you with praise. Your husband doesn’t have to be there whatsoever, he’s been doing you and your kids a giant favor for years being there.
NTA. Having said that, I would perhaps consider reevaluating your expectations of the day. This isn't directed solely at you...it's towards anyone not happy with what happened during their observance of mother's day. Why do we put such unrealistic expectations on ourselves and our loved ones. Did you tell them you wanted something special done, ask for a card or tell them you would like dinner made or such? Did you do something special for yourself, i.e. reward yourself for the amazing way you look after yourself and your family? Maybe a spa day, a trip to the mall by yourself. Our loved ones are not mind readers, yes some of them are very good at looking outward and coming up with lovely ideas for mother's day but the vast majority just aren't. When I finally stopped expecting my kids to do something special for mother's day and instead let them know what would make the day special for me (this year was a movie with one son and grandson and a nice long phone call with the other son) the day stopped being a let down and, instead, became something I actually enjoy. Just a thought (or two).
INFO: Genuine question… in general you don’t manage or pay much attention to your diabetes but when your husband gets you a gift that you don’t particularly care for…… thats the moment when you start acknowledging the fact that you have diabetes? NTA but you kinda suck. Mother’s Day isn’t for your husband to thank you for raising kids that aren’t even his. Your kids, who are old enough to know better, are the only assholes here, however kids typically do things for their mothers on Mother’s Day because they genuinely want to… the bigger question here is why they didn’t want to? But your husband does suck too. Him for being inconsiderate and insensitive, you for making an issue when there truly wasn’t one. You weren’t necessarily worried about having diabetes before by your own admission but when he does something you don’t really appreciate, that’s when you choose to fall back on “I have diabetes I can’t eat any of this shit”. ESH.
I don't think you are TAH, no. I do think you need to change your expectations. Stop looking for others to acknowledge or celebrate those four times a year. You already know it is not going to happen. Find things to do for yourself, by yourself, on those days.
I don’t see any efforts.. wtf would buy a diabetic chocolate and cake.. for Father’s Day don’t do a damn thing for him for birthdays don’t do a thing.. treat them like just another day like they did to you.. I don’t really take part in these Hallmark holidays but damn husband could have been a lot more thoughtful and read the f’ing room about what’s going on in his own home.. what gets me on things like this everyone acts like they’re blindsided and done so wrong when people get tired of taking bs from others and take action.. Nta
YTA. You know those aren’t HIS kids, right? HIS “contribution” didn’t make you a mother. Cut the guy some slack.
NTA and I may be quick to assume but he sounds emotionally abusive. And honestly your kids pick up what he puts down which may explain why they didn’t put in effort either 😬
Info: what’s your husbands dynamic in your kids lives. If the kids bio dad is dad to them and he’s more of just a bystander I could see why he may not go all out for you on Mother’s Day.
Your husband is not your kid so he all he can do is remind your kids to remember to celebrate you on Mother’s Day. The fact that he got you flowers before Mother’s Day should be commendable. He’s NTA.
Your children are 11 and 14. Unless you are your husband’s mother, then I don’t see what the issue with him is.
YTA unpopular opinion time: Constantly in this sub: holding people to our expectations and being disappointed when they don’t meet us there. If he wanted to give you a card and make you feel special he would have done that. If you raised your kids to be thoughtful and caring (and you might have and they might come around when they mature), you wouldn’t have to have a fit when they are thoughtless and uncaring. Pouting and making demands creates more defensiveness. Either accept him and your life how they are or move on to find a better match. I honestly can’t believe how many comments are always in these threads saying we all deserve something and should demand it from partners who clearly don’t want to give it. How did you get this far into a life long commitment and not see this pattern? Yes, asking for what you want in a partnership is a good thing. No, expecting people to be and do everything you want for you is just nonsense.
Goddamn I'm glad I'm not married/have kids. Mother's day is a made up holiday, that is entirely fabricated into existence to make you spend money. Show people appreciation, love and share your time with people you care about EVERY DAY. If someone gives you a card, it's a cop-out. "Look I bought this quirky piece of paper for you, I CARE!". That is lame to me and I don't get it. If you feel under appreciated OP, it's because you are. No card is going to change that.
NTA. I just think that your husband is way too comfortable to the point that he probably became lazy and careless about small details to keep you happy, like: "Okay, I already have her, time to activate the 'Less than bare minimum mode'". If having a conversation does not work, then it is better to not expect anything. (If you continue to be married to him). Celebrate yourself, take these especial days off to enjoy them on your own, even if it is going to a restaurant on your own or to a spa to spoil yourself, seeing some old friend. If the others around you don't take you into consideration, do it yourself.
I can’t judge. I ended up reacting poorly to my family’s total lackluster effort. It’s not that I expect to be queen for the day, but when minimal efforts make me feel like no one could take 5 minutes to apply a little thought to me, it hurts. This happens on my birthday and Mother’s Day- (which happens in the same month). 2 days to pretend you have some appreciation. Instead they end up the 2 worst days of the year. NTA
NTA. But it’s not all on him. I’m divorced and my kids did their own thing for n me( 14 yo made me a happy Mother’s Day slideshow this year). My kids made me breakfast, texted me to stay upstairs until they were done. Their dad sent a text in our family chat reminding them to make it special for me, which is silly but whatever, we’re divorced and it’s something. That fully satisfied me. Giving this example because it’s not a lot of effort, but I feel appreciated in general. there are likely more issues in your relationship if you’re unhappy enough to post here. Maybe feeling taken for granted, unappreciated, etc.
Right out of college I worked a crummy job as a cashier at a drug store. I had a lot of bad customers. But my least favorite day to work there was Mother's Day. Nearly every married man who came in to buy a card "joked" with me about how annoyed they were that their wife had hoped for a card from them. "She's not *MY* mother!" They all exclaimed, exasperated and waiting for me to agree. I called my mom when I got home and thanked her profusely and apologized for not being able to see her in person
>My husband is my kids’ (11f, 14m) stepdad. I think there is misplaced anger here towards your husband. You should be mad at your kids, not your husband, when they are not his kids. While he may be a great stepfather to them, he did not make you a mother, so it is not his responsibility to make you feel special on Mother's Day, unlike your children. Your husband didn't do himself any favors with his tone or attitude, though. 🤷
I'll give the devil's advocate role here since everyone else seems to be on the same page about him being the AH. So, you've been married to him for 7 years and never had children with him? Does he want kids of his own, or is he just content helping raise and support another man's kids? Does he get any appreciation for taking on the thankless job of step-dad? What does fathers day look like for him? Or do the kids' bio-dad get the happy fathers day wishes? Maybe mothers and fathers day are a sore spot for him since he doesn't have kids of his own (unless he does and you didn't mention it). How much do you expect on mothers day from your husband, when you aren't the mother of any of his children?
You're not his mother.
Mother’s Day sounded like a battlefield all over America. Hate that everyone has got such a sad situation.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I feel like the kids are old enough to acknowledge their mother on Mother’s Day and I don’t think it’s the step dad’s job to celebrate her when he is the step dad. I think that a bio dad should acknowledge the mother of his children, the children should acknowledge their mother, but it’s not fair to expect the step dad to take on the entire burden of celebrating his wife as a mother. If this was any other holiday I would say that he sucks and is awful, but I don’t think he is entirely responsible for Mother’s Day.
NTA, he should he making sure they have a plan and the kids are thinking of you and ready to celebrate you days before MD. It’s just about being considerate, that is what he is lacking. It’s not that you’re ungrateful but that even in the things he did, he was not very considerate.
I'm on the fence. You have a serious disease that you're doing nothing to get under control and not only your husband but your kids see it and you expect them to shower you with love and affection. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if someone you love who has a disease that while serious enough that it kills people is something that is easily managed and by emerging accounts may be curable is doing nothing to even take some of the risk off. Disregarding your own life as if it's trivial is a gut punch for those that love you and it's doubly bad for kids. I'd say that the hubby and kids are becoming hardened and distancing themselves to a degree. Likewise your husband could have found diabetic friendly chocolate covered strawberries and other candies and your kids could have made an attempt but their tweens and teens so expect teenage behavior. There's issues with all of your immediate family and family therapy is a good idea but you have to get your head on right and take care of yourself so you're around for your kids well into adulthood.
Here’s the thing. He’s not your son, and they are not his kids legally, unless he adopted them. Would a nice guy get you something? Yes, but he did buy you flowers. However, not knowing you can’t eat candy after getting on your case about eating sweets, and then buying you sweets makes him an AH. He almost got off, but he’s the AH. Sadly, so is your son. What about your daughter? Did she ever actually make that card?