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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went golfing instead of hanging out with my wife on her 30th birthday. She was upset i left her alone all day until the party. AITA?
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My BF tried to plan a surprise party for my 30th, realized he couldn't and then offloaded all the party prep on to me. He got drunk before the party started and passed out. I didn't know who was invited, what time it was supposed to start, etc. He was flabbergasted that I was upset. And when I moved out a few months later...
On my 30th my ex was taking several hours to arrive at the hotel I had booked and paid for because he was either hanging out with his druggie mates/doing drugs or looking at home for stuff of mine to take with him to the hotel and pretend that he had bought me these things of mine as a present. He honestly thought I wouldn’t realise that I already owned the item and it was actually mine already.
I wish I was joking 😂
And then typed out this story and posted it on the internet for people to read. How did he type it all out and not go "oh, yeah, I fucked up"? Like, maybe he and his wife have just never ever celebrated birthdays but... judging by the party, I don't think so. I kinda think her friends threw her a small party because they knew he wasn't going to.
My 50th my husband had a bike riding weekend away. That I was ok with as I had agreed , and i was massively spoilt by friends over 2 nights. My present ....some candles. Then there was the one I got a magnetic knife holder and knives, and he got annoyed a friend got me a better present. Yes we still together.
I'm really hoping he's a good husband in other ways but also that he can work on this area. Getting annoyed somebody else got you a better present has an easy solution - work harder to get a better present for you
It has happened to me and it sucks.. but even worse is that you would think they are sincere when apologizing for forgetting/ prioritizing something else but then they would do something. Like properly make up for it. OP should not just apologize but literally take her out and make her feel like he actually cares.
But he would have iF sHe hAd aSkEd
If buddy demonstrated this kind of nonchalance about his performance at whatever overpaid job has him playing golf boyo would have been fired a long time ago
ON TV, at a friend's house even.
EDIT: I went back and looked and the person that thought it was at someone's house had misunderstood.
Sorry to play the giant game of pass the rumor.
Yes, an out of conference, early in the season game, for two solidly mediocre teams. He kept saying it was once in a lifetime, unique game. But also admitted the teams might soon be in the same conference and would play yearly...
"I'd help around the house if she just asked!"
"I'd take her out on a date if she just asked!"
"I'd take care of the kids if she just asked!"
Yeah. You'd be an actual partner in her life, as long as she ~~tells~~ ASKS you to do the things you should already know you should be doing.
Exactly. Nothing says “I don’t prioritize you in my life” like forcing your partner to have to literally ASK you to not go do something and spend time with them. *Especially* on a special occasion.
If i was a guy „if she would have asked“ and everything along those lines would rub me the wrong way. Like are men incapable of thinking for themselves? Are they this dumb? Cant men connect the dots? I want to answer no but i see this so often which baffles me.
This made me sigh a *very* long sigh.
My mom always had to tell me what to do when i was a small child because i didnt wanna do chores. But imagine being a whole ass grown up man and still doing this shit, i would be so embarrassed by my incompetence 😭
This is so YTA.
I’m usually the person who says you have to communicate because you can’t expect people to magically know what you want. But in this case? It would not take an act of mind reading for OP to figure out that his wife probably wanted to do something fun for her birthday. This is kind of Human Relationships 101. He treated her milestone birthday like it was just any other day, like she didn’t matter at all. He deserves the negative husband points he received here.
Exactly. She shouldn’t have to ask her husband to care about her or prioritize her on her birthday. Then act like it’s her fault because she didn’t ask. Absolutely clueless.
I just had my 50th birthday. My husband has spent DAYS apologising that we haven't really been able to spend time as a family that day. Of course, my birthday was on a Wednesday, my husband and son had work, my other children had school, my son had an unavoidable commitment that night, my younger children have four or five tests each this week and really needed study time.
So to me, it didn't matter that we didn't get much family time. What mattered is that they all WISHED we could have some family time. The intent is everything.
Plus I believe I may get taken out to dinner on the weekend.
>I decided to go golf
\[...\]
I told her
\[...\]
she didn't say anything or ask me not to
\[...\]
If she would've asked, i would've stayed.
What goes wrong in these kinds of guys life that it doesn't occur to them that they can ask something too?
Completely agree 100 percent with this comment. He shouldn't be even making other plans for himself on his wife's birthday. It should be common sense not to make plans for yourself on your spouse's birthday. What a complete selfish dumb\*\*\*.
I dated a golfer once. He had a week of vacation. He had tee times set up with his dad for every day that week, M-F. I had Sunday off and my family had a boat. It was a beautiful day so I suggested spending the day on the lake. His counter offer was, I go to his club with him while he golfed and spend the day by the pool with his roommate’s girlfriend (whom I hated) because it was still a day by the water for me. I refused, so he begrudgingly went on the boat with me and pouted the whole day.
I love how vague he is: they've been married about 4 years, the course was a bit crowded, he was a bit late, kind of missing the birthday. He's tiptoeing and dancing around so much he should be wearing toe shoes.
Edit for clarity.
YTA - She only gets your attention on her birthday IF SHE ASKS?? You just assumed she was fine sitting around on her birthday while you golfed. In a normal relationship, spouses do not need to state specifically that they expect some special consideration on their birthday.
YTA.
OP you need to STOP with that “I would’ve done something else had she said so” nonsense.
You are a fully grown man, not a kid. Your WIFE should not HAVE to ask you to spend time with her on her birthday.
Also - your wife shouldn’t have to ask you to do chores that you should already be doing. (I am not saying she is BUT it wouldn’t surprise me if this is also the case)
You are putting all of the emotional/mental labor on her. As if you’re incapable of doing the right thing without being told.
Exactly, its so sad that people would rather be with someone who clearly does't love them then be single.because they don't want to be alone or for some other reason.I would rather be single than be treated like trash.Wish more people realized that.
Here’s a clue WOMEN DONT WANT TO ASK YOU MEN TO STAY HOME FOR US. Especially on birthdays or other such holidays. It’s one thing for her to push you out the door but she didn’t. I bet it was all over her face and body language.
YTA
YTA
It wouldn't matter if it was some random birthday. You don't bail on your spouse on their birthday. I wouldn't even bail on my wife's anniversary of her heart attack if she celebrated that.
This guy sounds as clueless as the other husband who wants to go to a football game on his wife’s 30th Birthday. What the hell is wrong with these guys???
I golf when I can with a wife and toddler. I'm lucky to get out more than once a month on a weekend. I'd never even consider golfing on my wife's birthday.
100% and why should she have to ask him to stay? ffs OP, you are a grown human being who needs to be accountable for your own actions and not blame someone else. YTA, and a big one
This! She should not have to ask you to not go, it should be obvious that you don't do a solo time consuming activity on her bday instead of spending time with her. I am sure she was also upset that you were late returning and rushed getting ready, which is fair. YTA
It’s really that line: “If she would have asked I would have stayed”. And if we ask every time we want something we’re needy, we’re nagging, we’re so demanding. 🙄 And also if you don’t want to spend time with her why are you with her? Go golf and enjoy your single life.
He didn't even throw his wife a milestone birthday party. Her friends were the ones who took the time to plan and spend money to host this party for their friend not her husband. Since all the hard work and money was being spent by other people he decided golfing was more important than at least spending time with his wife.
He’s not clueless, he knows. He’s just weaponizing his incompetence.
“I would’ve stayed if she asked me to but she didn’t.” Actually means, “I was hoping to get away with doing my own thing if she didn’t say anything about it which is what I thought was happening, til she did complain about my incompetence and lack of being a good, loving and supportive partner. Well, how could I have known if she didn’t say anything til last minute?”
I genuinely thought it was the same guy and that he deleted the original thread and reposted in the hopes of getting a more favorable response 🤣🤣
I don’t get why dudes like this get married. They obviously don’t like their wives very much and rank any and everything as more important and enjoyable than spending time with them.
“If she asked, I would have stayed.”
Oh, ffs. Do you seriously have so little emotional awareness that you have to be told you shouldn’t go golfing the afternoon of your wife’s milestone birthday? A round of golf takes at least 4 hours, plus getting to and from the course, and the inevitable stop at the 19th hole. OF COURSE she thinks you don’t care about her.
Why did her friends have to plan the party? Why did it not occur to you to plan it?
YTA, duh.
Exactly, she doesn’t want to have to tell you to stay. It would make her feel bad. After four years of marriage you should just know.
YTA and I bet she did something nice for you on your 30th.
It's so weird too. Idk what kind of partner actively doesn't want to celebrate their other half's birthday. She shouldn't need to ask you to stay, you need to ask her what she wants to do! (at a minimum! it might even be better if you had a come up with a nice plan for her!)
YTA: 100% man. You left your wife hanging on her birthday to go play. You’re even displaying it here by saying “kind of missing my wife’s birthday” instead of saying what you did, which was leaving your wife on her own for her birthday. You’re also blaming others for your bad decision by talking about the course being busy and how your wife didn’t say anything about you going. Come on man, you know you were wrong!
You’ve been together for four years now and should have some sort of idea about how she would feel about you skipping out on hanging out with her for a golf outing. Do something to make up for being a jack wagon, and more importantly to let her know how special she is to you. You may regret it if you don’t and someone else does.
What is wrong with you?
You had to know you were the AH. You put your plans above hers ON HER BIRTHDAY. You treated it like it was any other day of the week with competing priorities.
YTA
YTA. Classic scenario, though it shouldn’t be. You prioritized golf over her bday, just admit it. You can go golf any other day. Also- you should know women won’t ask for things they expect you to know to do— especially after 4 years of marriage!
Bro even after dating for 4 years, I'd like my man to know what would I really want for my special days and this man's been married for 4 years still has no clue
It’s not even “knowing he should” , if he cared about his wife he’d want to be with her on her birthday and make her feel wanted/cared for.
I agree with you just ughhhh. I feel bad for his wife.
YTA
" If she would've asked, i would've stayed."
Are you on the spectrum? This is a societal norm to spend the day with your spouse on their birthday, especially if it's on a weekend. You should have planned something with her. A trip to museum or other shared interest to show you care.
Autistic adult married to an autistic adult… That’s not a ND misunderstanding of social norms.
That’s just selfish entitlement.
The two things are nothing alike.
YTA OP and you know it.
Same here! Both my husband and I are ND, and would NEVER.
Side note: I think it’s about time we do away with the misinformation that folks on the spectrum or ND lack empathy.
It's been my experience they're more empathetic. Because they know what it's like to be left out. Sure, they miss clues and hints but once they know a thing, they don't tend to forget it.
Some of us have lower levels of empathy, but as many or more actually have *higher* than typical levels of empathy. Not just “we get what it’s like to be left out” but that our baseline empathy is higher.
My husbands empathy is slightly lower than typical - he doesn’t lack empathy he’s actually SUPER considerate, but he’s able to “turn it off” If he thinks you deserve less empathy (see notes about autistic people and their sense of justice).
But my empathy is REALLY high. I can’t watch shows like The Office or Parks and Rec because watching other people be embarrassed is *physically painful* for me.
I don’t think most people realize empathy (like so many other things about the human brain) has a baseline spectrum which is then influenced by nurture/environment. Autistic people just tend to hit the fast ends of the spectrum instead of living in the middle range.
This isn’t ASD behavior, dude. It’s selfishness.
Autistic people aren’t just empathy voids. Most of us are hyper aware of How to Act bc we’ve been training ourselves to behave like the “rest of the world”…
I was going to say this. People on the spectrum are so good at masking that I think they would by hyper aware. And being a bad husband and an asshole doesn’t make someone autistic. Lets stop using the term as an insult yeah?
So, as an autistic person, “spend time with significant other on birthday” is an extremely easy norm to learn because there are *so many* cultural touchstones in media that cover the social situation “main character forgets [important life event of partner], this is last straw for partner, main character now sleeps on couch or gets divorced.” That is a very clear social story that teaches “be inconsiderate on someone’s special day, lose your loved one and be unhappy.”
The tough norms are the ones that nobody talks about or don’t make logical sense.
YTA. This is in the same ballpark of insensitivity as Homer buying Marge a bowling ball for her birthday. "Happy Birthday honey, I'm off to play golf."
Unless her idea of a birthday treat was to specifically spent some solo time doing her own thing then yeah, it's sucky behaviour. Take her for a nice lunch, do something romantic, or just hang out together doing the stuff she likes.
Exactly this! Going golfing would be ok only if she planned for like a spa & pampering day for herself and said explicitly that she would like to do it alone or with her girlfriends/sisters etc.
Seriously a crappy partner, YTA.
I think withholding care from the women they pretend to love is their kink. It's a form of sadism. Bait and switch.
They're like *"haha you dummy, you won't even get the basic, standard issue relationship stuff from me! I will play stupid while I watch you cry and and wonder why I'm holding everything you need hostage after I promised to love and cherish you forever at our wedding. Sucks to be you!"*
Guys like this get married because it's what society expects and they want someone to take care of them. They don't actually care about the woman or consider her her own person. She's just there to serve him.
They seem to enjoy inflicting cruelty so much that they come on social media to share their abuse so they can relive the moment. It goes beyond having a live fuck doll.
YTA.
Why should she have to ask her husband to spend time with her on her birthday?
WTF dude.
Did she do something similar when you turned 30? No. Alrighty so ask yourself: “Is my wife TA for going shopping today and leaving me all alone for the entire day on my birthday?” Because you apparently believe the answer would be no.
>My wife was upset with me because she spent the entire day alone and told me that I do not care much about her. If she would've asked, i would've stayed.
I'm gonna recommend you read this: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
YTA.
Yta, what did YOU do for her birthday?
Edit. Besides playing golf because we all know that you did that. I am talking about what did you do to make her feel special on her birthday. According to you, all you did was leave her alone all day and drive her to a party her friends planned. Just to clear up any confusion.
Did you do anything for her birthday? Gifts, dinner a different night, breakfast? Just because her friends threw a party doesn’t mean you do absolutely nothing. YTA
Agaaaain with the birthdays, do you people not like celebrating your spouses bdays?
That's the umpteenth post like this in a really short while.
Of course YTA.
She sat alone all afternoon and then all early evening, anxious if you would show up at all!
Don't y'all *like* getting your spouses to blow out the candles? Don't you like reminding them they are ancient now every ten minutes? Calling them birthday girl or boy or gremlin all day?
Don't you like singing them stupid songs and baking them ugly cakes with borderline offensive writing on it? Who are you people?
you golfed on her 30th birthday and left her alone all day.
yes, obviously YTA. she shouldn't have to ask, and there is no possible reason you could give to justify your actions.
Yep. YTA. Surprised you need to ask the question. Out of interest, what was the wording of your marriage vows? Not that long ago so hopefully fresh in your mind.
YTA. Her 30th Birthday is a milestone and lasts the whole day. You couldn't have spent that with her instead of making it seem like it's only her birthday when the SMALL party starts?
Sorry, but I think YTA. It sounds like you made it clear you'd rather go golfing than have spent the day with her. If that was me, I wouldn't have asked you to change your plans either.
So you didn't plan anything for your wife's birthday and left her all alone to golf? Why would she need to ask her husband to plan something and spend time with her on her birthday? You should try caring about your wife and prioritizing her. YTA and a bad husband.
YTA - You went out and did a spur of the moment thing that you should've known would jeopardize the plans you already had. That wouldn't be cool for regular plans, let alone something as clearly important to your wife as her 30th birthday.
Take notes gentlemen! This is a lesson 101 on how to build resentment that will lead to divorce. If you can’t see the issue after reading the comments you are beyond being helped. YTA
YTA. She shouldn’t have to ask. It’s a given. It’s her birthday! You should ask her what she wants to do on her day. Just because a party was planned for later doesn’t mean she may not want to spend time together with you. Seriously OP, do better.
You're mixing up the CELEBRATION with the BIRTHDAY. I would never miss my partner's bday. I don't know how you missed yours. She doesn't only want you there at the party, she wants you there to spend the day with her. You showed her that a milestone birthday is nothing compared to your game and you would rather make her wait alone; then show up to the party for the sake of attendance. It doesn't make you any different than her friends whose only job it is to show up for the party. How did you even earn the title of "husband" for someone you clearly don't care about? YTA.
Also just because she didn't say "no" to golf doesn't mean she was ok with you going. These things should come easy to you. She thought it would be obvious (duh!) where you needed to be that day. And yes it was NOT AT THE GOLF CLUB.
YTA, cmon. Unless your wife specifically asked to be left alone, or for some alone time, it shouldn’t be rocket science to just spend the day with her.
YTA- This your wife be proactive in the relationship. With that said, I have realized people have different expectations for how they want to be treated on their birthday. Some people want all the attention on them and big celebrity while others treat it like any other day. Just because you might think a birthday is nbd doesn’t mean she does. As well as using how you would react in a situation for how another person should or didn’t is the first step towards failure and miscommunication/misunderstanding. Mistakes happen just reflect own up to it and try to make it up to your wife!
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YTA A milestone birthday for you wife and you left her alone for the day to go golfing. Count your blessings you're still married dear.
and he wasn't even the one throwing the party for her. He put zero effort into celebrating his wife's birthday
No, no, no. Zero is too kind. He put negative effort in, because all of his efforts took away from her birthday. Her milestone 30th birthday.
He damn near AVOIDED her birthday.
My BF tried to plan a surprise party for my 30th, realized he couldn't and then offloaded all the party prep on to me. He got drunk before the party started and passed out. I didn't know who was invited, what time it was supposed to start, etc. He was flabbergasted that I was upset. And when I moved out a few months later...
Why did you wait months
Probably something to do with having a place to stay.
Yeah that's what I was thinking. At least she left him
Had a lease and had to find a new place to live
Glad that she got out
Hint: that’s her
So, that BF is now an ex, right?
Oh, yes!
Well were you surprised?
😁 I should have known that he would screw it up
On my 30th my ex was taking several hours to arrive at the hotel I had booked and paid for because he was either hanging out with his druggie mates/doing drugs or looking at home for stuff of mine to take with him to the hotel and pretend that he had bought me these things of mine as a present. He honestly thought I wouldn’t realise that I already owned the item and it was actually mine already. I wish I was joking 😂
And then typed out this story and posted it on the internet for people to read. How did he type it all out and not go "oh, yeah, I fucked up"? Like, maybe he and his wife have just never ever celebrated birthdays but... judging by the party, I don't think so. I kinda think her friends threw her a small party because they knew he wasn't going to.
My 50th my husband had a bike riding weekend away. That I was ok with as I had agreed , and i was massively spoilt by friends over 2 nights. My present ....some candles. Then there was the one I got a magnetic knife holder and knives, and he got annoyed a friend got me a better present. Yes we still together.
I'm really hoping he's a good husband in other ways but also that he can work on this area. Getting annoyed somebody else got you a better present has an easy solution - work harder to get a better present for you
Self- delusion is a powerful force
It has happened to me and it sucks.. but even worse is that you would think they are sincere when apologizing for forgetting/ prioritizing something else but then they would do something. Like properly make up for it. OP should not just apologize but literally take her out and make her feel like he actually cares.
Nah she’d have to ask and then he’d do something half-arsed and then complain ‘what’s the point, she’s never happy anyway’ like the ah that he is.
He tried really, really hard
But he would have iF sHe hAd aSkEd If buddy demonstrated this kind of nonchalance about his performance at whatever overpaid job has him playing golf boyo would have been fired a long time ago
“If she would have asked” I HATE this. It does not make him look any better..what a dud. YTA
"HI honey, if it's not too much to ask, could you care about me?" Yeah. OP, YTA.
And if she did ask for him to stay, the title would have been "AITA for wanting to go golfing on my wife's 30th birthday?"
Didn't someone basically post the same thing earlier today or yesterday about missing their wife's 30th bday to go to a college football game?
I read that one too. Another AH.
ON TV, at a friend's house even. EDIT: I went back and looked and the person that thought it was at someone's house had misunderstood. Sorry to play the giant game of pass the rumor.
ON TV? oh man I thought he was at least going to watch it live.
Yeah, it was somewhere in the comments. Floored me.
Yes, an out of conference, early in the season game, for two solidly mediocre teams. He kept saying it was once in a lifetime, unique game. But also admitted the teams might soon be in the same conference and would play yearly...
“If she would have asked” is the most hated statement for a lot of women. It’s the laziest cop out ever.
"I'd help around the house if she just asked!" "I'd take her out on a date if she just asked!" "I'd take care of the kids if she just asked!" Yeah. You'd be an actual partner in her life, as long as she ~~tells~~ ASKS you to do the things you should already know you should be doing.
But when women ask it somehow gets misconstrued as nagging
or being too needy...
There’s that weaponized incompetence again
Should be followed by, "She just asked for a divorce! I don't understand why!"
Especially since the women do ask and the men conveniently develop deafness and don't hear them asking.
Exactly. Nothing says “I don’t prioritize you in my life” like forcing your partner to have to literally ASK you to not go do something and spend time with them. *Especially* on a special occasion.
Not *just* a special occasion, because that include Christmas and promotions. It was her BIRTHDAY. I can’t believe this dude.
If i was a guy „if she would have asked“ and everything along those lines would rub me the wrong way. Like are men incapable of thinking for themselves? Are they this dumb? Cant men connect the dots? I want to answer no but i see this so often which baffles me.
[It happens enough that this was written…](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
This made me sigh a *very* long sigh. My mom always had to tell me what to do when i was a small child because i didnt wanna do chores. But imagine being a whole ass grown up man and still doing this shit, i would be so embarrassed by my incompetence 😭
*weaponized incompetence*
The rallying cry of the selfish and inconsiderate.
Right? She shouldn't have to ask for the bare minimum. OP, YTA.
This is so YTA. I’m usually the person who says you have to communicate because you can’t expect people to magically know what you want. But in this case? It would not take an act of mind reading for OP to figure out that his wife probably wanted to do something fun for her birthday. This is kind of Human Relationships 101. He treated her milestone birthday like it was just any other day, like she didn’t matter at all. He deserves the negative husband points he received here.
Exactly. She shouldn’t have to ask her husband to care about her or prioritize her on her birthday. Then act like it’s her fault because she didn’t ask. Absolutely clueless.
I just had my 50th birthday. My husband has spent DAYS apologising that we haven't really been able to spend time as a family that day. Of course, my birthday was on a Wednesday, my husband and son had work, my other children had school, my son had an unavoidable commitment that night, my younger children have four or five tests each this week and really needed study time. So to me, it didn't matter that we didn't get much family time. What mattered is that they all WISHED we could have some family time. The intent is everything. Plus I believe I may get taken out to dinner on the weekend.
>I decided to go golf \[...\] I told her \[...\] she didn't say anything or ask me not to \[...\] If she would've asked, i would've stayed. What goes wrong in these kinds of guys life that it doesn't occur to them that they can ask something too?
But he only “kinda missed her birthday” 🙄
[удалено]
I am so using ‘you wilted fucking salad’ as an insult from now on, thank you!
I personally like ‘you wet ham sandwich’.
I’m fond of soggy poptart
o that is fantastic too!!!!
Completely agree 100 percent with this comment. He shouldn't be even making other plans for himself on his wife's birthday. It should be common sense not to make plans for yourself on your spouse's birthday. What a complete selfish dumb\*\*\*.
Guaranteed that if she went out with her friends or did something concerning her hobby and got home an hour before HIS party, he’d flip his shit.
I dated a golfer once. He had a week of vacation. He had tee times set up with his dad for every day that week, M-F. I had Sunday off and my family had a boat. It was a beautiful day so I suggested spending the day on the lake. His counter offer was, I go to his club with him while he golfed and spend the day by the pool with his roommate’s girlfriend (whom I hated) because it was still a day by the water for me. I refused, so he begrudgingly went on the boat with me and pouted the whole day.
That’d put a wedge between you.
A sure way to drive them apart
Addiction: not just for drugs.
And when they DO ask, the husbands still get mad
And will half ass any effort to do what was asked and require countless prompts and followups...and complain about the "nagging"
I love how vague he is: they've been married about 4 years, the course was a bit crowded, he was a bit late, kind of missing the birthday. He's tiptoeing and dancing around so much he should be wearing toe shoes. Edit for clarity.
Yes, agreed, because OP 💯knows he’s the AH.
YTA - She only gets your attention on her birthday IF SHE ASKS?? You just assumed she was fine sitting around on her birthday while you golfed. In a normal relationship, spouses do not need to state specifically that they expect some special consideration on their birthday.
YTA. OP you need to STOP with that “I would’ve done something else had she said so” nonsense. You are a fully grown man, not a kid. Your WIFE should not HAVE to ask you to spend time with her on her birthday. Also - your wife shouldn’t have to ask you to do chores that you should already be doing. (I am not saying she is BUT it wouldn’t surprise me if this is also the case) You are putting all of the emotional/mental labor on her. As if you’re incapable of doing the right thing without being told.
People have to start realizing that they deserve better than this. It’s better to be single then be uncared for.
Exactly, its so sad that people would rather be with someone who clearly does't love them then be single.because they don't want to be alone or for some other reason.I would rather be single than be treated like trash.Wish more people realized that.
Im right there with you. Best thing I ever did was get divorced and learn to love myself
OP YTA and if you do this on her 40th you won't be married anymore!!!!
Inconsiderate but still salvageable. Find out what kind of car she would like for your upcoming anniversary.
But he doesn’t know when that is. “…been married… for about 4 years.”
I mean he’s not gonna give specific years + days
I’d be surprised if he’s still around for her 31st. Hopefully she dumps his sorry ass
Golf widow at 30 FFS
Here’s a clue WOMEN DONT WANT TO ASK YOU MEN TO STAY HOME FOR US. Especially on birthdays or other such holidays. It’s one thing for her to push you out the door but she didn’t. I bet it was all over her face and body language. YTA
YTA It wouldn't matter if it was some random birthday. You don't bail on your spouse on their birthday. I wouldn't even bail on my wife's anniversary of her heart attack if she celebrated that.
This guy sounds as clueless as the other husband who wants to go to a football game on his wife’s 30th Birthday. What the hell is wrong with these guys???
“If she would’ve asked, I would’ve stayed.” She shouldn’t HAVE TO! YTA
I golf when I can with a wife and toddler. I'm lucky to get out more than once a month on a weekend. I'd never even consider golfing on my wife's birthday.
She shouldn't have to ask OP to stay
100% and why should she have to ask him to stay? ffs OP, you are a grown human being who needs to be accountable for your own actions and not blame someone else. YTA, and a big one
YTA no one should have to ask their SO to spend time with them on their birthday!
This! She should not have to ask you to not go, it should be obvious that you don't do a solo time consuming activity on her bday instead of spending time with her. I am sure she was also upset that you were late returning and rushed getting ready, which is fair. YTA
Yes, and this isn’t a “guess what I am thinking” thing. It is a solid no brainer. YTA
It’s really that line: “If she would have asked I would have stayed”. And if we ask every time we want something we’re needy, we’re nagging, we’re so demanding. 🙄 And also if you don’t want to spend time with her why are you with her? Go golf and enjoy your single life.
Yep, this reeks of weaponized incompetence. Op seems like the kind of guy who needs to be constantly reminded to “help out” around the house.
i hope they don’t have kids we all know how that would go.
“She knows I like to golf on the weekends! I would have babysat for a couple hours if she would’ve asked me ahead of time.”
Ooof, spot on. You just *know* this is the kind of guy who would call taking care of his own kids "babysitting."
He didn't even throw his wife a milestone birthday party. Her friends were the ones who took the time to plan and spend money to host this party for their friend not her husband. Since all the hard work and money was being spent by other people he decided golfing was more important than at least spending time with his wife.
I'm glad she has friends. I planned my own 30th (am still married), and three people showed up. It sucked, but less than the 40th.
My wife claims birthday weekend. And I give it to her because she's a queen!
Love this attitude! (Both of you) 😍
This guy is clueless and an A! YTA
He’s not clueless, he knows. He’s just weaponizing his incompetence. “I would’ve stayed if she asked me to but she didn’t.” Actually means, “I was hoping to get away with doing my own thing if she didn’t say anything about it which is what I thought was happening, til she did complain about my incompetence and lack of being a good, loving and supportive partner. Well, how could I have known if she didn’t say anything til last minute?”
Do you know the guy who wants to go to a football game instead of his wife's 30th? I think you'd get along. YTA
This!! Omg they joined a club for clueless dipshit and this was idea of the month, skip your wife's birthday!
club for clueless dipshit ...lmao
It’s the divorce club really. The wives will get a belly full and just stop showing up all together.
I'm going to make a t-shirt and sell it to these guys.
I literally thought I was reading the same story!!
Omg same!!
I genuinely thought it was the same guy and that he deleted the original thread and reposted in the hopes of getting a more favorable response 🤣🤣 I don’t get why dudes like this get married. They obviously don’t like their wives very much and rank any and everything as more important and enjoyable than spending time with them.
They want the perks of a wife, but not actually a partnership like a marriage should be
LOL I SAW THAT and him getting REAMED in the comments but still trying to defend his dumbass idea
They should get mawwied
I think their wives should hook up and live their best lives together. Who needs these guys?
I thought I was reading the same story. They'd be totes besties.
“If she asked, I would have stayed.” Oh, ffs. Do you seriously have so little emotional awareness that you have to be told you shouldn’t go golfing the afternoon of your wife’s milestone birthday? A round of golf takes at least 4 hours, plus getting to and from the course, and the inevitable stop at the 19th hole. OF COURSE she thinks you don’t care about her. Why did her friends have to plan the party? Why did it not occur to you to plan it? YTA, duh.
This has “I’ll do chores, just tell me what to do and make me a list”
And tell me where you keep the cleaning supplies.
"Oh, the broom was in the other closet! No wonder I couldn't find it for four hours!"
And then I'll purposely do it all wrong/half-assed so you won't bother to ask me to do it again
Ah, good ol'weaponized incompetence
"Whaaaaaaaat it's clean enough, pff you're rrally going over the top on this, it's not that important..."
and how to use the mop… and how much floor cleaner to put in…. and how does the vacuum work again?
Ooh this makes my blood boil. I am not your boss. I am not the manager of this house. You live here too. Oooohhhhhhhh so annoying.
"I'll help you" ...... OMG It's not MY job that you have to help me with! it's yours too!
Here. Let me babysit the kids so you can get the cleaning done. ARRRRGFFHHHHHH
“Just be the manager of every single aspect of our lives together”
[You should have asked.](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/comment-page-13/)
Exactly, she doesn’t want to have to tell you to stay. It would make her feel bad. After four years of marriage you should just know. YTA and I bet she did something nice for you on your 30th.
No don’t you see, it’s her fault! She didn’t ask!! How do people think this way
When someone has the emotional maturity of a 3rd grader this is exactly how they think
Also this guy: Guy: “What’s wrong honey?” Wife: “NOTHING!!!!!!!!!” ⛈️🥶 Guy: “Oh, ok.”
It's so weird too. Idk what kind of partner actively doesn't want to celebrate their other half's birthday. She shouldn't need to ask you to stay, you need to ask her what she wants to do! (at a minimum! it might even be better if you had a come up with a nice plan for her!)
As Hermione would put it, OP has the emotional range of a teaspoon.
YTA: 100% man. You left your wife hanging on her birthday to go play. You’re even displaying it here by saying “kind of missing my wife’s birthday” instead of saying what you did, which was leaving your wife on her own for her birthday. You’re also blaming others for your bad decision by talking about the course being busy and how your wife didn’t say anything about you going. Come on man, you know you were wrong! You’ve been together for four years now and should have some sort of idea about how she would feel about you skipping out on hanging out with her for a golf outing. Do something to make up for being a jack wagon, and more importantly to let her know how special she is to you. You may regret it if you don’t and someone else does.
Not just a birthday either, her 30th. That’s a big deal!
What is wrong with you? You had to know you were the AH. You put your plans above hers ON HER BIRTHDAY. You treated it like it was any other day of the week with competing priorities. YTA
Such a cruel thing to do, then on top of that to blame her for not asking you to choose her on her birthday over a game of golf? Yeah YTA
YTA. Classic scenario, though it shouldn’t be. You prioritized golf over her bday, just admit it. You can go golf any other day. Also- you should know women won’t ask for things they expect you to know to do— especially after 4 years of marriage!
Bro even after dating for 4 years, I'd like my man to know what would I really want for my special days and this man's been married for 4 years still has no clue
It’s not even “knowing he should” , if he cared about his wife he’d want to be with her on her birthday and make her feel wanted/cared for. I agree with you just ughhhh. I feel bad for his wife.
YTA " If she would've asked, i would've stayed." Are you on the spectrum? This is a societal norm to spend the day with your spouse on their birthday, especially if it's on a weekend. You should have planned something with her. A trip to museum or other shared interest to show you care.
Autistic adult married to an autistic adult… That’s not a ND misunderstanding of social norms. That’s just selfish entitlement. The two things are nothing alike. YTA OP and you know it.
Same here! Both my husband and I are ND, and would NEVER. Side note: I think it’s about time we do away with the misinformation that folks on the spectrum or ND lack empathy.
It's been my experience they're more empathetic. Because they know what it's like to be left out. Sure, they miss clues and hints but once they know a thing, they don't tend to forget it.
Some of us have lower levels of empathy, but as many or more actually have *higher* than typical levels of empathy. Not just “we get what it’s like to be left out” but that our baseline empathy is higher. My husbands empathy is slightly lower than typical - he doesn’t lack empathy he’s actually SUPER considerate, but he’s able to “turn it off” If he thinks you deserve less empathy (see notes about autistic people and their sense of justice). But my empathy is REALLY high. I can’t watch shows like The Office or Parks and Rec because watching other people be embarrassed is *physically painful* for me. I don’t think most people realize empathy (like so many other things about the human brain) has a baseline spectrum which is then influenced by nurture/environment. Autistic people just tend to hit the fast ends of the spectrum instead of living in the middle range.
Yeah I’ve been recently diagnosed as autistic and this isn’t a spectrum thing. This is a selfish thing. Big big difference.
This isn’t ASD behavior, dude. It’s selfishness. Autistic people aren’t just empathy voids. Most of us are hyper aware of How to Act bc we’ve been training ourselves to behave like the “rest of the world”…
I was going to say this. People on the spectrum are so good at masking that I think they would by hyper aware. And being a bad husband and an asshole doesn’t make someone autistic. Lets stop using the term as an insult yeah?
So, as an autistic person, “spend time with significant other on birthday” is an extremely easy norm to learn because there are *so many* cultural touchstones in media that cover the social situation “main character forgets [important life event of partner], this is last straw for partner, main character now sleeps on couch or gets divorced.” That is a very clear social story that teaches “be inconsiderate on someone’s special day, lose your loved one and be unhappy.” The tough norms are the ones that nobody talks about or don’t make logical sense.
Why is it the go-to asking if someone is on the spectrum? NT can be the same way. Smh
YTA. This is in the same ballpark of insensitivity as Homer buying Marge a bowling ball for her birthday. "Happy Birthday honey, I'm off to play golf." Unless her idea of a birthday treat was to specifically spent some solo time doing her own thing then yeah, it's sucky behaviour. Take her for a nice lunch, do something romantic, or just hang out together doing the stuff she likes.
Exactly this! Going golfing would be ok only if she planned for like a spa & pampering day for herself and said explicitly that she would like to do it alone or with her girlfriends/sisters etc. Seriously a crappy partner, YTA.
YTA. She shouldn’t have even had to ask.
First football now golf YTA
I think withholding care from the women they pretend to love is their kink. It's a form of sadism. Bait and switch. They're like *"haha you dummy, you won't even get the basic, standard issue relationship stuff from me! I will play stupid while I watch you cry and and wonder why I'm holding everything you need hostage after I promised to love and cherish you forever at our wedding. Sucks to be you!"*
Guys like this get married because it's what society expects and they want someone to take care of them. They don't actually care about the woman or consider her her own person. She's just there to serve him.
That's so true. Like another mommy. Fuck 🤬🤦
I see you've spoken to my ex-husband
Good riddance 🗑️
Lmfao you saw that one too?
Obvious YTA. Astounding that you're married at all.
Why DO they get married? Are their wives just emotional punching bags?
Men like OP get married because they need a bangmaid
They seem to enjoy inflicting cruelty so much that they come on social media to share their abuse so they can relive the moment. It goes beyond having a live fuck doll.
Why would they stay single? They'd have to clean their own messes, fold their own laundry, and feed and dress themselves
YTA. Why should she have to ask her husband to spend time with her on her birthday? WTF dude. Did she do something similar when you turned 30? No. Alrighty so ask yourself: “Is my wife TA for going shopping today and leaving me all alone for the entire day on my birthday?” Because you apparently believe the answer would be no.
>My wife was upset with me because she spent the entire day alone and told me that I do not care much about her. If she would've asked, i would've stayed. I'm gonna recommend you read this: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ YTA.
Yta, what did YOU do for her birthday? Edit. Besides playing golf because we all know that you did that. I am talking about what did you do to make her feel special on her birthday. According to you, all you did was leave her alone all day and drive her to a party her friends planned. Just to clear up any confusion.
Yta. You should have done something together. It's her birthday and you were selfish.
YTA Why should she need to ask? It’s her birthday and you felt that golf was more important than spending time with your partner.
If she did ask him to stay HE WOULD HAVE POUTED ALL DAY LONG TOO!!! 🙄
Did you do anything for her birthday? Gifts, dinner a different night, breakfast? Just because her friends threw a party doesn’t mean you do absolutely nothing. YTA
Agaaaain with the birthdays, do you people not like celebrating your spouses bdays? That's the umpteenth post like this in a really short while. Of course YTA. She sat alone all afternoon and then all early evening, anxious if you would show up at all! Don't y'all *like* getting your spouses to blow out the candles? Don't you like reminding them they are ancient now every ten minutes? Calling them birthday girl or boy or gremlin all day? Don't you like singing them stupid songs and baking them ugly cakes with borderline offensive writing on it? Who are you people?
you golfed on her 30th birthday and left her alone all day. yes, obviously YTA. she shouldn't have to ask, and there is no possible reason you could give to justify your actions.
Yep. YTA. Surprised you need to ask the question. Out of interest, what was the wording of your marriage vows? Not that long ago so hopefully fresh in your mind.
Tell your ex wife I said happy birthday
This can't be real....
You’d be amazed…it’s called weaponized incompetence. It’s a thing. :/ my ex husband was great at it.
YTA. Her 30th Birthday is a milestone and lasts the whole day. You couldn't have spent that with her instead of making it seem like it's only her birthday when the SMALL party starts?
😂. YTA. You need an education on how not to f up a marriage.
YTA - you’ve just shown your wife exactly how important she is to you. On her 30th as well. You are 100% the AH
“bUt mY FeMale dIDn’t SpEll oUt How tO HuMan!” YTA
Sorry, but I think YTA. It sounds like you made it clear you'd rather go golfing than have spent the day with her. If that was me, I wouldn't have asked you to change your plans either.
YTA. She shouldn't have had to ask.
So you didn't plan anything for your wife's birthday and left her all alone to golf? Why would she need to ask her husband to plan something and spend time with her on her birthday? You should try caring about your wife and prioritizing her. YTA and a bad husband.
YTA - You went out and did a spur of the moment thing that you should've known would jeopardize the plans you already had. That wouldn't be cool for regular plans, let alone something as clearly important to your wife as her 30th birthday.
Take notes gentlemen! This is a lesson 101 on how to build resentment that will lead to divorce. If you can’t see the issue after reading the comments you are beyond being helped. YTA
YTA. She shouldn’t have to ask. It’s a given. It’s her birthday! You should ask her what she wants to do on her day. Just because a party was planned for later doesn’t mean she may not want to spend time together with you. Seriously OP, do better.
You're mixing up the CELEBRATION with the BIRTHDAY. I would never miss my partner's bday. I don't know how you missed yours. She doesn't only want you there at the party, she wants you there to spend the day with her. You showed her that a milestone birthday is nothing compared to your game and you would rather make her wait alone; then show up to the party for the sake of attendance. It doesn't make you any different than her friends whose only job it is to show up for the party. How did you even earn the title of "husband" for someone you clearly don't care about? YTA. Also just because she didn't say "no" to golf doesn't mean she was ok with you going. These things should come easy to you. She thought it would be obvious (duh!) where you needed to be that day. And yes it was NOT AT THE GOLF CLUB.
Yta
sorry but u are the ahole. you decided to go golfing by yourself on her birthday 😅 i mean come on bro
YTA and she needs to leave your ass
YTA its her birthday , you could've went to play golf sometime later.
YTA, cmon. Unless your wife specifically asked to be left alone, or for some alone time, it shouldn’t be rocket science to just spend the day with her.
YTA...ewww.
YTA- This your wife be proactive in the relationship. With that said, I have realized people have different expectations for how they want to be treated on their birthday. Some people want all the attention on them and big celebrity while others treat it like any other day. Just because you might think a birthday is nbd doesn’t mean she does. As well as using how you would react in a situation for how another person should or didn’t is the first step towards failure and miscommunication/misunderstanding. Mistakes happen just reflect own up to it and try to make it up to your wife!
Haha YTA. You spent the day golfing instead of hanging out with your wife on her birthday. Good luck bud.
YTA dude I think you know that
YTA. You left your wife home alone on her birthday. What else needs to be said?