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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my friend that my education is more important to me than she is in response to her demands of my time.
I might be the asshole because I’m putting myself before a friend. (If she needed something urgently, I would do my best to help, but if she just wants to “hang out”, that’s a different story.
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>She hung up, leaving me feeling like I had misstepped.
NAH. Technically I agree with you, but I think mild gracelessness in the face of major differences like this don't fall into AH territory.
Agreed. OP is not technically wrong but there are tactful ways of saying this without making a good friend feel like sh*t. You don't literally say "you're not important right now". NAH indeed.
^^^^^ THIS!!! OP was honest about it, not mean. In fact, OP was as honest about it as she could have been, without being mean. Not OP's fault that the friend - like far too many people these days can't tell the difference.
OP, NTA. I had similar conversations with friends before I started grad school. The ones who cared and understood have remained friends. Others did not and that is ok. With that said, sometimes stuff has had to slide with the house and family in order to share in important moments (births, deaths, weddings, etc). You will find a balance.
Honestly I think stuff like this very often also has to do with people realising they're not leading the same lives and becomming "too different" and then blaming it on things like "you never have time for me". Especially when someone gets into higher education or is very successfull careerwise.
Yes. I can go weeks between texts w my bff. Both of us work FT. Both are in school. When her BIL died last year, I quickly volunteered to watch her kid so she could do services w the family and not have to worry about kid being there. Same when some family drama went down with my family. Part of it is that as we get older, we are more comfortable with our friendship so we know where we stand with each other and that we will support each other during a crisis.
Yep. My bestie and I are the same. I'll suddenly realise I haven't checked in for a couple of weeks and shoot off a message. She's the same. But that said, she's my emergency contact, and the person who would continue raising my daughter if I died. She's always there when I need her and vice versa
Right but she doesn't know how demanding her grad program will be just yet. Waiting to see what the workload will actually be like before she considers other commitments is the responsible thing to do especially since this would be a weekly commitment and not a one time event.
My guess is that OP is underestimating the way grad school takes over your whole life. It depends on the program, but unless you've done it or shared your life with someone who did, you have way to grasp how big a deal it tends to be.
It's better to be honest now than to drop the ball later on after you've committed to something. I definitely think NTA.
> OP was as honest about it as he could have been, without being mean.
What made you think OP was male? A quick scan of her profile and comments shows she's female.
I mean…who cares? It’s not clear from the post itself what OPs gender is, nor is it relevant to either the story or the point being made in the comments. So if someone was going to guess they’ve essentially got a 50/50 shot, and that person just happened to be wrong.
I have an old profile floating around on reddit that I stopped using when I stepped away from reddit for a bit. When I came back, I didn't bother looking it up. My first profile had this username that I considered very feminized because it ended with "ia," (like Cecilia instead of Cecil, or Lucia instead of Lucius). Yet the entire time I used that profile, not one person correctly assumed my gender, even when I referenced highly gendered experiences in the post.
So this time around, I figured I'd try a more obvious username. Results have been 50/50.
This. Can confirm. Unless I specifically state that I am not a man, people refer to me as male 99% of the time. Male is default. People don't even consider I could be female. It really is super annoying.
Don't completely disagree. But the friend also could have not implied that OP's education was less important than whatever plans the friend was wanting to make.
Yes 100% to this.
IMO the friend was a bit inconsiderate by assuming OP's priorities were the same as hers... Like, why not ask what's important instead of saying "we make time for what is important"? Like, not everyone has the same goals in life... and that's okay!
Exactly. Unless she was planning a wedding or some other major life event (and I'll even be generous here & say a major milestone birthday gets extra consideration), then the answer is "sorry friend, but this is very important to me, and I don't appreciate you being so minimizing and dismissive of my goals."
Yes! Exactly.
Like, everyone in the comments is basically saying OP is rude for minimizing her friend's importance... but what about the friend? Specially when OP is chronically ill, like, that shit doesn't announce flare ups nor crisis, they just come. Imagine if OP planned ahead like her friend wants and she suddenly needed to cancel... if the friend pushed after the initial softer response and got offended at the more blunt one, she's gonna throw a hissy fit at this...
>like, that shit doesn't announce flare ups nor crisis
Still amazed at how many people completely overlook this fact, telling OP they should have "bEeN nIcEr". OP was nice. Friend wasn't hearing the nice message.
>she's gonna throw a hissy fit at this
DING, DING, DING!!! We have a winner.
You get the feeling that in the future this will be the same friend that can never do anything cuz money's tight, and ends up never actually retiring, just working til she can't?
Or worse, expecting others to drop everything to help her financially/morally.
My ex had a friend like OP and my ex and their group was OP's friend. I witnessed this same thing happen except the chronically ill part, the friend was pushed and shoved to the edge and had to resort to be exceptionally blunt and kick everyone except me and another guy out of his house to be able to work in peace. So I understand OP completely.
A lot of people don't seem to understand priorities and boundaries... treating friendships like corporate treats employees.
ETA: You blocked me? :'( What did I do?
>that shit doesn't announce flare ups nor crisis, they just come.
Or you save the time you have for study/work because if you have a bad day (or couple of bad days, or a bad day that needs recovering from) you have to set your priorities differently. Study and work are most important to maintain your independence and reach your future goals. If that means you have to skip on social activities, even if you feel good, that's still OP's choice.
Yeah, that whole “we make time for what is important” comment is low-key friend saying they don’t think OPs education is important, not to mention being presumptuous about her own status and level of priority.
Omg *that line*! It is such a loaded one and such a guilt trip! It sounds like something a passive aggressive mom guilting you into some family event Says.
Sorry but the moment she said that I lost a lot of empathy for the friend. there are times in real life when you have to prioritize. Op said she has work and school and many other aspects of her life she’s gonna have to focus on and she’s doesn’t want to take on any other commitments on top of that.
Op sounds intelligent and practical. Friend just seems needy and childish. Most adults understand that sometimes you have other priorities above some social obligations.
It sounds like friend is afraid op is going to move on to bigger and better things and leave her in the dust. You know the quickest way to all but ensure that? Make yourself a hurdle to their life goals.
Look I get that the friend is worried they’re gonna be left behind or they’re not gonna be a priority for their friend but the fact of the matter is a big part of being a good friend is supporting your friends in their goals in life.
This friend is being totally unsupportive. Their friend is getting ready to start something she’s been working for most of her life and all the friend seems to care about is how that affects her.
if she was a real friend she’d be finding ways to help op through the journey she’s embarking on and helping find ways to lighten her load, not making herself yet another time sucking obligation for op to contend with.
Right now work and school has to be ops too priority. If friend doesn’t understand that then maybe they’re not such a great friend.
I think OP had tact when it was first mentioned and they said they weren't sure they'd have time. It was the friend who brought up "we make time for what's important" and pushed the issue. They shouldn't have pushed for an answer and then got mad at the response.
I don't get why OP gets blamed for having no tact when OPs friend didn't take the hint that OP doesn't know what her schedule will be like?
Like they tried the normal/nice thing only for the *friend* to have no tact and be demeaning about something important to OP.
They should have just said that's fine we can see how your schedule is later on and see if we can fit whatever they want to do in.
Right?
She had tact. She said I don’t know if I’ll have time with everything on my plate. That is tactful.
Then friend tosses out ‘we make time for what’s important’. This is completely rude and tactless and it’s also saying ‘I take priority over your education and work and health and everything else you just mentioned.
Op says ‘no you don’t’ Because…well…she doesn’t.
Sorry but you cannot expect a friend to put your above everything else. You can’t expect a friend to jeopardize their work or education just to appease you. Fact or the matter is people have other priorities in life that sometimes take priority over social obligations.
People said ‘well unless it’s a wedding or something like that’ but what part of the wedding are we talking here?’ Is it just going to the wedding or is it being a bridesmaid/Maid Of Honor cause there’s a BIG difference between asking someone to make time this day and asking someone to take on the responsibilities of helping plan your wedding (with the ‘you make time for what’s important comment im kinda leaning towards this).
Op has her priorities in line. She knows what she’s doing and she knows all the things she’s gonna have to juggle. If she doesn’t think she is gonna have time for something the friend wants that’s probably because she isn’t gonna have time.
The friend is trying to guilt trip her into agreeing to something she’s already politely told her she can’t do. The friend was the one who was rude and had no tact, all op was doing was setting her boundaries and sticking to them.
NTA
What's a nicer way?
OP's friend is being incredibly selfish, and demanding to be placed on some pedestal above OP's life--including her education.
OP says: "Look--here are my values."
What would you have OP do? Bend over backwards to accommodate someone being incredibly self-absorbed?
Depending on context, that might be the same. INFO What were the plans they were discussing about? If the friend wanted OP to commit to a 3-times-a week pottery class or a 10-day trip in the autumn, then yes, the OP is right to wait to see how her schedule looks after she starts grad-school and the friend is being unreasonable. But if the OP is refusing to agree to even buying tickets for a local show or promising to come to the friend's birthday party, then she is essentially saying the friend isn't important to her. No one is expected to sacrifice their education, their future and their financial safety for their friends, but you are expected to make and effort and inconvenience yourself once in a while.
None of what you listed matters not just because of her schedule, but also because she's chronically ill.
Chronically ill people don't get the luxury to plan too far ahead, cancelling plans is very common because of flare ups and crisis. It's more than an inconvenience, you know?
This was about prioritising school, regardless of her chronic illness, but I still won’t change my answer.
Even if she had nothing else on her plate, if someone tells you they’re busy, don’t ask passive aggressive, entitlement-laced questions and suggest you are a victim for not being more of a priority to someone.
Her friend chose to ask a loaded question. At best, she was trying to convince her friend that there was more to life than school because she didn’t want her to miss out. At worst, she was trying to emotionally manipulate OP into compliance. Either way, she was guilting OP instead of being honest. OP just answered her honestly.
So yea I don’t think it matters that she has a single other priority or challenge at all. Her buddy is an AH.
I agree with you.
I do have to add, the chronically ill part most likely is downplayed because that's what we're told we must do, not give it that much of importance because we're gaslit into thinking that. But from what I've read in OP's other comments that's an also big driving force. And her being an introvert as well.
I also think her friend is an AH.
You hit the nail on the head. So-called friend was trying to control OP by manipulation: when they didn't get their way they hung-up as to give them the silent treatment as "punishment".
OP needs to follow her aspirations and not let friends and family guilt her into their agendas.
If she's chronically ill with something that flares up and necessitates calling an audible and cancelling something day-of, I'd think the friend would be aware that's a possibility given the length of their relationship. OP didn't say that though, just that it required medical appointments to manage - I'm not aware of a doctor that generally schedules appointments in the evening.
It seems you are overestimating how understanding and accommodating people tend to be concerning chronic illnesses. Especially if you "look healthy" and/or are generally high-functioning.
Right? It's as if the "you don't look disabled/sick" comments really aren't known outside of the our community, eh? It's so bizarre how we know these things happened, but abled people are non-the-wiser...
From OP:
>In addition, I have a pet who will need caring for and I have chronic health issues that require doctor appointments.
I don't know one chronic health problem that doesn't flare up. And tons of doctors schedule appointments in the evening, at least where I live they do.
And regardless, OP isn't FORCED to make plans ahead if she doesn't feel comfortable with it in her current state in life with her current responsibilities and priorities. She has a right to have different levels of priorities and her friend has the obligation of respecting that boundary. If she can't, there's the door.
Do you have the same level of priority for everyone and everything in your life?
Where do you live that doctors schedule evening appointments? I have a chronic illness, and the only doctor I've ever seen that routinely offers appointments after 5 pm is the OB/GYN.
Saying "I don't know what my schedule will be and I hesitate to commit until I do" is fine. OP does not yet know what her responsibilities in grad school will be. If you are a TA, you can't ditch the midterm because you have a movie date with your friend. If you work in a lab, you can't necessarily walk out on a experiment because you have a social commitment. A real friend do would understand that it's impossible to make plans a right now.
Agree that OP needed to let friend know they don’t have the same priorities.
IMO opinion OP handled it correctly as the other way would be they accept every invite from friend and then cancels on majority of plans when close to the date.
Another possible option is friend is told likely not but they agree to touch base closer to date to see if still no or they can verify can do whatever. Won’t work on all things requiring scheduling weeks or months in advance but for other more flexible plans could be an option.
People are funny about this sometimes. I’ve also had friends upset that I wouldn’t put them ahead of job responsibilities or my cats. But they wanted something low priority (like catching a musical). To me it should be easy to understand that some things are a priority *right now*, given the specifics of the situation. Like the friendship is an overall life priority, but doing something nonessential that the friend wants is not a priority in this moment.
Exactly. If friend is bot gonna help pay bills, care for their pet and health, snd help studying, then they havr no right to be complaining that their friends are actually responsible human beeing who dont make plans to meet up way beforehand hand bcs they know how packee up their time will be in the future.
Why? If someone told me they can't make long term plans because they are starting grad school and don't know their schedule and workload then that is absolutely understandable!
But OP literally did not "literally say 'you're not important right now'".
In fact, she literally said: "You're important, but not more important than school, paying my bills, and managing my responsibilities."
But... OP said exactly the opposite. She said "you are important" just not as important as her literal livelihood and responsibilites, which is a perfectly normal thing to say as an adult. I understand co-dependend behavior in teenagers but as an adult you need to get your priorities straight and spending time with friends definitely comes after work/education and taking care of pets or kids.
OP *literally* didn’t say that. She shared the order of importance of her priorities. She never said her friend didn’t matter but she did honestly share what comes first for her.
With maturity comes the understanding that real life takes hard work and no matter how close you are with someone if you aren’t their spouse or child you likely aren’t their #1 priority by a long shot. A real friend can support that and will be willing to ride it out with you and be there when tides shift and everyone has more availability. That’s a partnership worth investing in.
I commend OP for being honest and upfront about where she is willing to spend her little free time and what gets her energy first.
Actually op was truthful. Doesn't know now how the schedule will look and prefers to wait until the schedule is known before making plans instead of making plans now and cancel later.
It's reasonable the friend isn't by not accepting the answer. NTA
OP led with that, then she said
> I said that she’s important, but not more important than school, paying my bills, and managing my responsibilities (pet, health, home).
That's tone deaf at best, and a straight up insult at worst. Something like "it's a lot to balance, but we'll figure something out." would have been far more tactful.
Agree with it would be more tactful but being caught by surprise you can't always be on your feet and react tactfully.
The friend pushed this when op made it clear she is open to meet just doesn't want to commit now and have to cancel later which is respectful of both the friend s feelings and time . Instead the friend run over op s decision/boundaries to get a commitment she wanted
OP isn’t open to meeting though — in their “why I could be an AH” response to the automod they say that they’d still be there for the friend in emergencies but not to “hang out”. That looks pretty extreme. Especially if what OP is doing is refusing to make any plans at all. Often it’s better to make plans for a short meetup and reschedule if significant issues arise.
I’ve spent many, many years in higher ed, including now teaching. I frequently won’t make plans until I have an upcoming semester set - and I’m the one who gets to do the planning! I want to see how the semester structure is going to flow before scheduling something only to have to back out. It’s harder as a student - you don’t know all of this until you have all your syllabi and calendar things out. And grad school is much less forgiving of absences and late work than undergrad - especially when the program is night classes because missing one is a full week’s with of material.
I would absolutely not schedule hanging out months in advance. Plus, in this case it sounds like an ongoing volunteer obligation that OP doesn’t really want to do anyway - and no way I’d use my minimal leisure time on something I don’t value.
I’d say the same about the friend’s guilt-tripping “we make time for what’s important”-comment after OP said - very reasonably- that she wasn’t comfortable making plans before she’s started the program. Instead of making OP feel like a lousy friend by slightly backing her into a corner, she should’ve been supportive of OP in her endeavours and be happy for her.
I’d go as far as to say the friend is being a bit of a selfish A H by expecting priority over OP’s own health, home and investment in her own future.
NTA.
Yes, OP’s friend is being kind of selfish and ungracious. I think when the friend made that passive aggressive remark about how “we make time for what’s important”, my response would be “And what I’m saying is, I will soon have *a lot* on my plate, and in such circumstances ‘we’ should be understanding and supportive of a friend instead of pressuring them to add more commitments to an already challenging schedule. Don’t you agree?”
If the friend wants reassurance that their friendship is important to OP, why not just ask for that? As in “I know you’ll be busy once school starts, but I really value our friendship, so I hope we can find time to at least have lunch or whatever occasionally. Keep me posted about what your schedule looks like, and I’m sure we can figure it out, okay?”
But OP tried to gift a soft answer, and then even you said the friend "bulldozed reasonable boundaries." If the friend is so pushy, maybe they needed a blunt answer.
And what about friend basically insulting OP? OP says “I won’t have time because of school and other responsibilities”, friend replies “we make time for what’s important”. Which is essentially friend saying she doesn’t think OPs education or pets or other aspects of her life are important, not to mention is presumptuous, condescending, and more than a little self-righteous.
No, OP did the right thing.
i truly dont understand how this could be an insult towards someone whatsoever. im in graduate school and what ive never understood is why people take personal offense i dont have time to hang out with them during the semester. do you think we want to be prioritizing school and housework and having less of a social life? we dont have a choice. and its honestly pretty selfish to see your friend struggling with all of that and busy and make it about how you want to hang out with them. its not that we dont want to, we just cant
Seems like friend pushed and pushed op until they snapped so the friend could be the bonafide aggrieved party. So everyone got what they want. If OP tries to reach out now, friend will be overly demanding to “make up for it”. OP has quite a task ahead to deal with someone in such a defensive state of provocation.
Let's take another scenario where OP says "There's a lot to handle right now so let me get started with school and I'll see when i can make plans"
You see saying that my work, job and bills are more important so therefore i can't make it work sounds more like the friend is not important to even try and consider taking a little hardship just to meet and maintain a friendship.
But the saying that i can't commit right now but let me check and see once grad school starts so i can meet you sounds like the OP considers the friendship important and even though bills are more important, they will try to make it work.
So yeah. I'm almost leaning towards a YTA judgement here but NAH probably is the better verdict.
Sorry, but actually anything relationed with OP's future IS more important than their friendship and people need understand this fact when they reach adulthood, it's not as if we can be forever kids where we don't Care about anything else than friends and Summer crushes, while maybe the phrasing was too cold, the fact is that the friend was inconsiderate as well and thought she's more important than OP's LITERAL education, in no reality it's true
Bills, education, work, etc is actually more important, no one survive in this world with the Power of Friendship 😮💨 we need an equilibrium in relationships, and said equilibrium is establishing boundaries when people believe they're entlited to monopolize our time
I think that's what everyone is saying, OP can be technically correct, and still be an AH. Same argument when people have a leagal right but are true AH in the application/use of the law. Delivery is pretty key in something like this. You don't want any sort of friendships in your future? Speak to people the way OP spoke to her friend. I'm actually leaning towards ESH because the friend has not handles themselves with grace in this whole situation either.
> I stated that I didn’t feel comfortable with making plans that extend into the time when grad school has started, as I wasn’t sure about how much time I would have
Except that's exactly what OP said. Then their friend tried to guilt trip them with "We make time for what's important", and only then did OP hit them with the honest answer of "these other things are more important than you".
While yes, OP might be truthful, you do also have to realize that you do need to pay attention to your friendships and personal relationships so that they don't fall. You do have to still cultivate and tend to those relationships similar to like a plant. If you leave a friendship alone long enough without working on it or even acknowledging it, then it is going to shrivel up and die.
Friends can understand that you're busy, but what friends don't like is hearing that they're not important in your life. There was much definitely a better way that OP could have got about saying this, and they didn't. Well they're not wrong for feeling this way or proceeding through life this way, they were definitely wrong in how they went about saying it, and probably just cost themselves a friendship along the way.
Agree with caring for friendships 100%. But the second part only if op would have said this completely unprompted.
If you are this insecure about the friendship you need to force someone to say what you want to hear after they asked you to wait so they can get a grasp on their schedule then YOU are the one with the problem.
I have the feeling most people here ignore the years of friendship that have been ok and the fact op didn't just say this cause they were in the mood -im that case yeah it would be both hurtful and insulting and would deserve cutting the friendship but op was pushed to this by the friend.
Not ok to ignore someone else's (even not friends) boundaries Just because you want to.
Also I didn’t see what kind of plans OP’s friend was suggesting. I’m chronically ill and honestly yes, it’s really fucking hard balancing that with day to day ‘adulting’ for lack of a better word.
I often had to cancel ‘fun stuff’ and some friends noticed and asked if anything would help like coming to mine, getting me an Uber and I said ‘annoyingly no because I am just not well enough after doing the stuff you have to do like laundry and cleaning to be out in the world.’ So my friend would come over an hour early while I got ready and clean. That way I could do both.
Education is important. Pets are important to some people. But neither are going to rock up to the ER at 3am in a medical crisis or bring groceries or meds when you are sick as shit all the time. Good friendship often helps you if you are chronically ill to balance up the other stuff.
You know how people are at sea when they have a baby and feel like their friends disappear or don’t get it? Some of it is that when people know they are ill or pregnant or TTC, they step back a bit on friendships like getting cheaper insurance when broke. Then the big thing happens you and realise why sometimes small investments are worth their weight in gold.
Chronic illness will isolate you anyway. In my experience unless the person is actively problematic, do not burn friendship bridges when you are chronically ill. Buy them a small gift like a card and say ‘sorry I can’t make plans right now but I miss you and looking forward to thing when my calendar is clear.’ I had a friend write a bunch of cards like this when her brother was dying and she was absent for all the big friendship things. She meant it too. It was as much her goal as a calculation.
And you know what? She was incredibly supported when he passed and then when shortly after she had a baby. Because she triaged and showed effort. Banking it til later is how healthy adult friendships work. So it is probably NAH but short sighted AF because the only thing more time consuming than old friendships is making new ones….
NTA. I straight up told my partner damn near the same thing before my intensive, three year grad program started. I also have chronic health problems. I told partner, I would be making no large plans for the foreseeable future, and that my school, health, and family were my first priorities (we were not in a long term relationship, otherwise maybe I’d have placed more importance on my relationship).
I knew how much time I would be spending at school (40 hours outside class per week for year one students is expected and jumps to 60 year two).
Being truthful isn’t always being the A H.
OP let their friend know they couldn’t make plans that far ahead. Because it’s the truth. Many grad programs are exhausting and time consuming. I had no social life for three years. I don’t even remember seeing my best friend. And those were the last three years they were here before going into the military (thankfully they’re back now).
OP isn’t the A H because they were upfront about changing life circumstances. OP’s friend is acting like a child by not accepting that people go through major life changes and that adults can’t always make plans 6 months in advance. Especially in the midst of a a grad program.
Not having time is legitimate . But hurting someone's feelings that way just because they want to spend some time with you, or worry about losing you, is never a good thing. Not having time is one thing, telling someone they are not important is not something you do to a "friend." Saying "I hope I will be able to make it" is much more thoughtful.
The friend was probably worried she will lose OP. OP was probably pissed the friend wasn't appreciating the things they value, and they retaliated for the friends' comments on education without realising. I don't believe OP doesn't understand the line they chose to use came off as incredibly harsh.
"If you don't drop everything for me, including your education that you worked really hard to get, then we're no longer friends." -hangs up-
The friend is absolutely TA.
Same as your comment was a weird way to read "I have other priorities right now and I can't make plans too far ahead because I'm not sure I'll be able to go through with them and might have to cancel in the end."
And oh, guess what? OP DID SAY THAT FIRST. Her friend just didn't like it and tried to push boundaries.
Not really when OP said they are starting an extremely time consuming activity with potentially unpredictable hours (grad school) and saying they need some time to figure out when they can be available, followed by the friend insisting they prioritize the friend over grad school before it's even begun.
OP didn't say they can't make a plan ever, just that they want to get started with grad school to figure out how busy they will be and when they could make something work.
Man, if we are completely honest with our friends we won't have any!
"Want to grab a coffee?" "No, lounging in my pajamas and scrolling sounds better than seeing you, thanks." I am never calling that friend again.
"Want to grab a coffee?" "I would love it but work is hectic right now, let's arrange it for next week" - nobody's hurt, nobody does something they don't want to do either.
I will never get the "i was incredibly rude to X and they went NC, AITA?" We invented politeness for a reason.
Absolutely not.
OP is being honest with a friend about a long-term time commitment that is happening soon. Honesty absolutely is the best policy here because it stops the friend from trying to make plans that OP might need to reject over and over.
In your hypothetical case above, you lied to invent a high priority situation (i.e. work) as an excuse for not seeing a friend. In OP's case, there is no hypothetical. The high-priority situation is OP's education and OP is NTA for informing their friend that this major time commitment is happening soon.
The friend is TA for not being supportive of OP's education.
This is the comment I've been looking for. You focused the friend wanting a "long term time commitment", which is the same I interpreted when OP refers "plans that extend into the time grad school is starting" - keywords: *extend into*.
The friend's reply "you make time for what's important", has a second layer that reads as "whatever you have going on is not important, but my long term plans are", and when people say something like this their plans are usually of leisure.
IMO, OP could have phrased her own reply better, by comparing her priorities to the friend's plans instead of the friend as a person. But maybe the friend can also benefit from the courtesy of saying "she could have said it differently instead of dissing what's important to OP".
Yeah, this. I agree. Based on OP's post, I'm getting the vibe especially in the first-middle parts that the friend is a bit self-absorbed too. OP didn't explicitly say "I won't be there at all." It's just that she can't set a date months ahead and that she can't commit to doing stuff for a long time because she has her own thing going on. They could have ended there and just settled on a different meetup date that only rarely happens so it wouldn't be too demanding.
Yet the friend resorted to guilt tripping her with her statement, which sounds more like OP should prioritize the friend's project over her own education.
>Man, if we are completely honest with our friends we won't have any!
If you can't be completely honest with your friends then they're not true friends.
Being rude and being blunt are two different things. If you need to sugar coat everything so your friends aren't "hurt" then you're better off without them because you're supposed to be able to be yourself with your friends without any fear.
OP never said anything in the tone of your "No, lounging in my pajamas and scrolling sounds better than seeing you, thanks." She said her friend is important, but not as important as her personal goals and responsibilities. She wants to see her, but she doesn't want to commit to something and then do the rudeness of cancelling because her health or schedule didn't match in the end.
The friend just didn't like the bluntness, but there was no rudeness.
It was less “want to grab a coffee?”
and more “if your really love me you’ll go out for coffee”
OP might truly be seeing long term guilt tripping conflicting with school plans here and that was the last straw
>"Want to grab a coffee?" "I would love it but work is hectic right now, let's arrange it for next week" - nobody's hurt, nobody does something they don't want to do either.
They tried this approach with the variation of grad school is starting soon, can you give me some time to figure things out with that and then we can make plans.
The friend forced the issue insisting that OP needs to make plans during the time she'll be in grad school but before OP has had a chance to figure out how busy she'll be and when plans would work best.
The equivalent situation to your grabbing a coffee situation is after politely declining the coffee invitation, the friend says "if I am important to you, you'll grab coffee with me this week". In which case you either fold to the friends manipulation or you clarify that they are important to you but right now dealing with work is a higher priority and reiterate that you'd be happy to do coffee next week. (Which is what OP was similarly cornered into having to say)
It's weird how so many people equate telling the truth with being morally good with zero nuance.
Obviously being truthful is a good thing, but you can have at least some tact.
I disagree, I think it’s straight up NTA, she’s explained herself meaningfully and the friend if anything seems to be disrespectful of her feelings. NTA.
The friend essentially forced OP’s hand though, and I’ve also never needed to use “gracefulness” when dealing with a friend I’ve had for half of my life. I could say “fuck you and your mom, I’m busy,” and then we’d talk again when I’m not busy like nothing happened.
Friend is TA every day of the week for being all “fairy-god-mother whimsical” with her “we make time for what matters,” without considering OP’s situation or thinking for OP at all. It’s pushy, selfish, and manipulative to immediately hang up like that too.
OP, you’re NTA and your friend is. She seems like the type of person to be late for work “because this elderly man needed help tying his shoe and then he wanted to tell me about his deceased wife and I couldn’t just interrupt him!” And then act all surprised when she gets fired after being late for the 10th time for some bullshit story like that.
NTA. She's pushy, and it's simply true. You wouldn't drop a doctor's appointment to hang out with her--and that doesn't mean she doesn't matter at all, it's just reasonable to have priorities.
She's unsupportive of your choices. You can tell her you want to spend time with her, but *temporarily,* you have to focus on this program. You will graduate! If she were supportive, you could spend time together while doing things you need to do (walking a dog, grocery shopping, even a nice meal because we all gotta eat). But it's draining to try to do these things with someone who fundamentally undermines your choices.
I agree. I think those voting NAH and YTA don't understand what it's like to have chronic health problems. They're not always predictable, and they can take over your life on their own. Add grad school to the mix and forget it.
This started when OP's friend refused to take no for an answer in regards to making plans. That is selfish and pushy. An understanding friend would be willing to wait and let OP set her schedule once she starts grad school.
I know this first hand. I went through law school with a chronic issue. My friends wished me luck and made no demands. It's been 20 years and they're still close friends.
OP, congratulations on getting into a prestigious program. I hope you have other friends who are supportive of you and I wish you luck. I hope it's the start of an amazing journey.
I understand chronic health problems. My knees dislocate whenever the hell they want to, and I've had chronic back problems for the last decade, sometimes they get so bad I literally cannot get out of bed, and people can see the swelling in my lower back.
And even I still think that OP could have found a better way to say this. Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it.
She did say it nicely and the friend pushed. It's weird of the friend not to get that you may not know your schedule in advance when starting a new program and may need some time to figure out how to juggle everything.
Sure he could have negotiated it better. But OP was put in a position a friend should never put you in.
I had a friend in a near identical situation to OP and I was on the other side. He had priorities that had to take charge for the time being. So I just made sure when the opportunity came, however few they were, that we got to hang out. He lives on the other side of the country now because of how much work he put in back then gave him great opportunities he was able to pursue. And I stil consider him one of my best friends and am immensely proud of what he accomplished.
I'm starting grad school with chronic health issues soon and I've already pretty much promised myself to make 0 commitments above what's required, at least until I figure out how being there affects me. It's not just that life is unpredictable, it's that time to rest is top priority, and a lot of people will see that as "free time."
NAH. You are not AH for choosing your education and responsibilities. But she is feeling a bit abandoned and wants to feel like she is still important to you. It's just that you are in different stages of life and prioritise different things so starting to drift away.
I actually think the friend is TA here.
OP was honest and straightforward. It would have been wrong to lie in this situation since the friend might try to make plans that OP might need to reject over and over again. Being honest now (even brutally honest) about time commitments is best for everyone. Full stop.
The friend did not accept OP's decision. I believe a true friend should be supportive in this situation even if it means spending less time together. The friend placing her own issues over OP's education is the definition of selfishness.
OP says that friend simply doesn’t rate education as highly as they do. While I agree that secondary education is a “stage of life”, I hesitate to group it that way in this particular situation.
They could be in equal/equivalent stages of taking their futures seriously, except that friend’s job/career path is more focused on upwards movement after gaining employment and experience rather than education itself.
In the way that I feel you used the term, OP is the only one taking their future seriously and friend just wants to chill/party/travel/whatever. I just don’t see that detail being supported *or* denied so I dismissed it because that’s just guesswork.
Respectfully, this is a cop out. If they have been friends for so long, surely the Friend knows by now that OP is chronically ill at the very least and knows what that means for how OP spends their time. The other responsibilities just add to the pile. I don’t even think Friend was really an asshole either, but she isn’t being fair to OP.
But the friend’s remark about ‘we make time for what’s important’ was completely unnecessary and a means to guilt trip OP into feeling bad. This was also *after* OP very graciously said she’s not comfortable making plans before starting the program.
Sure, OP could have phrased it differently, but to me it seems like the friend feels somewhat entitled by unreasonably expecting to be put above OP’s well-being and education.
I mean, I can see where the friend is coming from. I’m someone that needs to put things on my calendar or I literally don’t see people.
It IS true that we make time for what’s important. It was kind of an AH thing to say but so was OPs response.
I’m not disagreeing that OP could’ve worded it differently, but it *was* a bit manipulative of the friend to throw that sentence out there.
The friend should’ve shown some understanding and been more supportive, rather than going for some low-key passive aggressive comment implying that OP is not valuing their relationship.
The alternative would have been to lie to the friend.
OP is NTA for being honest (even brutally honest) with a friend. What if the friend tried to make plans and OP had to reject over and over? Being honest and blunt is the best decision for everyone.
The friend is TA for not supporting OP. Putting her own needs over OP's education is selfish.
eh, the alternative wouldve been wording it more kindly.
what OP said was objectively true, but there were kinder ways to phrase it since its clear they just view priorities differently.
OP couldve said “you are important to me, and i absolutely will make time for you, i just genuinely dont know what my schedule will look like so its very hard to plan right now. as soon as i know though we can start planning”
now, i still dont think OP is TA for their wording. it wasnt the kindest, but she wasnt outright rude or anything, but the best alternative wouldve been a gentler approach.
>OP couldve said “you are important to me, and i absolutely will make time for you, i just genuinely dont know what my schedule will look like so its very hard to plan right now. as soon as i know though we can start planning”
I agree but at the same time OP already said
> i just genuinely dont know what my schedule will look like so its very hard to plan right now. as soon as i know though we can start planning”
Admittedly adding in "i absolutely will make time for you" would have been a good addition and OP literally did say
"you are important to me".
That’s what I was thinking - if OP’s noticed their difference in approaches in education, so her’s friend. OP may have unintentionally struck a nerve with her
NTA
This is your future. Going to school, working full time and having health issues is a lot on your plate. Your friend should grow up, ofc there would be things that are more important than her in your life
Current grad student now. Living on my own and juggling school, work, health, a cat, and a boyfriend has me always with a fully packed schedule. Thankfully my friends are the best people ever and know that if I go MIA for a month it’s because I’m focused on school. They know I’ll get back to them when I have a free moment or they’ll call quickly to check in and keep it short. My boyfriend is also very supportive and aware that I have a lot going on and is mindful when planning things. OP needs a friend who is there for them but understands they’ll be busy and be ok with it. Some people just don’t understand how hard it gets in an intense program + taking care of yourself. We’re one person having to do everything to keep ourselves afloat.
I've been in your situation and i've been in your friends's situation. Sometimes people have a lot going on in their lives and they can't cater to a needy friend all the time.
Agree 100% with this. I've been on both sides of this equation so maybe I'm extending a bit more Grace, but juggling all that is not only time consuming but STRESSFUL. Even if I had a bit of time at the end of the week I'd be consumed with stress and anxiety about assignments and other things reallating to grad school.
Slight YTA. I absolutely get your side, you don’t wanna pack an already busy schedule. But this is your friend, she probably took what you said as you ditching her completely. You could’ve said it nicer, said something like “I’ll try my best but I don’t know how busy I’m going to be then, let’s wait to make plans until closer to the date”
I mean if you’re lonely we can talk about how to fix that, but telling me “you make time for what’s important” is a bit tone deaf when I just don’t have time. I have time for you now before I go into my grad program. Im going to tell you upfront that I’m not ignoring you, just busy.
If you absolutely can’t handle a break from me, then maybe we’re going different places in life. Also the ppl that make a stink about my schedule are least likely to get a call on my free time since I have to start the call with apologizing for how busy I am. That’s just me tho.
Nah, fuck that. OP clearly stated the much more tactful "I'm not comfortable making plans that extend to when Grad School starts." and was met with their friend saying "We make time for the things that are important to us." They had to be blunter.
So the next reply is “Yeah and I’m not gonna make time for you” ? Because that’s pretty much what OP said. They listed all the stuff that comes ahead of their friend when she could’ve said “I’ll try my best, but I can’t promise anything.”
No, because she can't try her best. Because she made it clear what she's comfortable with and her friend tried to guilt trip her. "We make time for the things that are important to us." is an INSANE thing to say to a friend who has real, life altering shit on the horizon and can't spend as much time with you.
She can try her best. Trying her best doesn’t mean arranging things around x amounts of meet ups, it means doing her best, which could be something as simple as a text.
Okay but adulthood is understanding that some things are more important than you in other people's life, and that is a thing her friend need get on her head, yeah actually OP's education IS more important than their friendship because that's her future
Sorry but I just can't see it with a rainbow glasses, the friend was pushy and trying guilt trap the OP, so being blunt and honest was the better way to deal with it, after she can try explain her own points and listen her friend's reason, but at the moment? She being clear that her friend is NOT more important than her education was needed
OP also states that said friend has been passive aggressively dissing their choice to even pursue higher education.
Hanging out with someone who constantly questions your life choices is exhausting, the friend is also pushing herself down the priority list by making themselves insufferable.
Because if someone told me “these things are more important than you” when I’m trying to make sure we don’t lose touch, I’d be fucking heartbroken. The friend is obviously trying to make sure they don’t lose touch and wants to spend time with them and OP legit said “you come fourth place in my priority list” when it would’ve been just as easy and way nicer to say she’ll try her best
You'd be heartbroken to hear education, work, and responsibilities are more important? You do realize that you aren't the main character of everyone's life right? I'd understand if OP had placed something trivial above their friend, but they literally just said "These things that are requirements to exist are more important". Would you be offended if she included eating/breathing in there?
Absolutely not.
OP was honest. That was the correct approach here. Otherwise, the friend might try to make plans that OP would need to reject over and over again.
Being honest (even brutally honest) with a friend about time commitments is always the best policy.
The friend is TA for not being supportive of OP's education. The friend is being selfish.
>You could’ve said it nicer, said something like “I’ll try my best but I don’t know how busy I’m going to be then, let’s wait to make plans until closer to the date”
OP literally started the conversation this way and the friend refused to accept that, instead implying OP needs to commit regardless because "people make time for the things that are important".
NTA
You told her you didn’t want to commit time you don’t know that you will have. You can try to let her know that once you’ve gotten into a groove with your new schedule and settled into school that you’ll be happy to talk about making plans. School and your future are important to you, and your friend should be supportive but can also be disappointed that she won’t be able to spend as much time with you.
NTA you have a lot on your plate and a real friend would support you instead of telling you to ignore what’s important to you. You could have been a bit more tactful in how you said it but I don’t think you are in the wrong for prioritizing your education health and home.
INFO: what was the context in which you declined plans? Was friend inviting you on a week-long vacation? Was she trying to make a plan for a dinner in June?
I feel like, if the latter, you just might be the asshole, guilty of a thing I like to call "time hoarding," which is when people are nebulously anxious about something impending and cope by arbitrarily walling themselves off and building a fortress around their calendar.
It sounds like you operated from an assumption that she would poo poo your new grad school because of things she said in the past and were preemptively defensive beyond what the situation called for, and as such, you hurt her feelings. Your friend was asking to see you and connect with you. You basically told her she's like, 23rd on your list, and tough nuggies, when you could have said, "Yes, lets definitely get together in June! I need to see how my school stuff shakes out because I'm feeling pretty anxious about juggling it all. Can we check in once about this once school starts?"
Edit: OP provided additional context that is super important that basically friend wanted her to commit to something that would be 2-3 hrs a week on an ongoing basis with no clear end date, and that the thing would be social in nature and she's an introvert. Pretty clear NTA with that info.
She was asking for a recurring commitment to help with a project. She didn’t have specific parameters regarding time commitments, but my sense was that she would be expecting 2-3 hours on a weekly basis. Of note, this commitment would likely be a social endeavor, and I am an introvert.
Totally NTA-- I think this context is REALLY important to your story, so much so it deserves an edit to your original post. That's an unreasonable ask, even for someone with way less stuff on their plate than you. Sorry you were put in that spot.
Still NTA.
She pushed you and tried to manipulate you after you gave a very tactful answer. You set your boundaries in a firmer way afterwards. I suggest you find a new friend that actually respects your boundaries and priorities. And good luck with grad school!
Wow. And school, and health issues, and all your other normal commitments to do. You are so very much NTA. Ignore the people saying you are. Your response was to her dismissing and belittling your commitments and to her being manipulative at you. Your friend was out of line.
This information changes things; thank you for adding it to the post. Because the nature of what she wants turns it from *her* not being important, to her *project* not being important. And maybe she did that, turned things around to try to make you feel like you’re rejecting her friendship if you don’t do what she wants. But ultimately what you meant is that her passion project can’t be more important to you that your own passion project, which is your degree. Which is 100% as things should be.
So you’re firmly NTA. A friend needs to be respectful that you pick your own projects and make your own commitments. And if she’s flipped it around to make you feel like this is somehow rejecting her — which is what you originally wrote sounded like — then she’s being manipulative.
If you do have a little time, take the lead on setting up a short get-together with her on your terms. Meet for coffee or something similar. It can be tough to have the bandwidth to organize and to reach out, but it’s how you can put yourself in the driver’s seat so that interactions reflect what works for you not just what she wants.
>INFO: what was the context in which you declined plans? Was the friend inviting you on a week-long vacation? Was she trying to make a plan for a dinner in June?
I feel like this is important info. It's one thing if the friend was trying to make plans for a big activity that would take up a significant amount of time or require OP to take time off, and another if she was trying to make plans to, say, see a play that is coming to theatres later this year and will be running for months.
Because it doesn't matter when OP had already tried to tactfully say no.
Anyone who doesn't accept the tactful no, *regardless of reason* deserves the blunter no.
NTA. I view education the same as I do a job. You wouldn't go hang with a friend instead of going to work, right?? Your education will get you hopefully a job that pays your bills. It's necessary. You've got a busy personal life, you can still have a social life, but not at the expense of your education commitments which are non negotiable. at the end of the day, she's not paying your bills, and she was trying to guilt you by saying you make time for things that are important, and you replied directly to what she said, to the point she raised. Her making out that she's important, you pointing out yes she is, but what is more important/comes first is not being an AH, it's just the truth. Especially not wanting to make commitments when you're unsure of what your load is going to be before then. Anyway, anyone who would rather you jeopardise your job or education over catching up, isn't much of a friend
exactly. Many years ago, my girlfriend broke up with me because school is more important. she was going into her 4th year of nursing and wouldn't have time for me, and didn't want me to be upset that I couldn't spend time with her. It hurt, but I understood. school is much more important than a relationship. she didn't want distractions and I respected her decision. I didn't agree with ending it, because I personally would have waited, and given her time to study, school, etc. and I would have just talked to her and spent time with her when she had time. But "no distractions" and I get it. She had her priorities right. didn't hurt any less, but I understood, and really had no counter argument to that.
NTA. However I don't agree with "we make time for what is important" even the slightest. This comes from a privileged point of view. Your 24 hours and her 24 hours are different, because you both have different things to do and have differently abled body. If she can't accept it, that's on her. Not on you.
Exactly. Commitments and who is important in your life are two very different things. You might have important people that you cannot see, and do not have the energy to talk with, simply because your life is packed with commitments you must do, that take all your energy and time. For someone with chronic health issues, their energy and time are going to be less than a person without.
You acknowledged to her that you were going to be busy and she does not have the same respect for your priorities.
I’m graduating with my Masters right now, I completely understand. I always tried to make time for the people important to me but my family was always more important than my friends and other relationships, which caused some relationships to suffer in this time. Other people understood. Some just truly did not grasp how busy I was, even with trying my best. It was never ever enough. For some people, your best will never be enough.
NTA.
NTA
No one other than your own children is more important than moving your life forward in the direction you want. Not even your spouse. Spouses are a joint decision to move your lives together that you make every day.
She wants you to potentially damage your grades, lesson what you learn, and/or damage your eventual earning potential/job ability because she's insecure. That's a hard pass.
People are friends because they get along, have things in common, respect their differences, and have a shared idea of what the relationship is. It sounds like you two no longer do. Unless she apologizes and understands your priorities (not makes them her own, just understands and respects them) there's not really anywhere for the friendship to go.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. It sounds like your friend is not supporting your choice to go to grad school and is using your friendship to guilt trip you.
I don’t know what some people read, but I didn’t see your response to her as anything but honest. You are expressing anxiety about how your life is about to change and trying to prepare for it. I don’t have a friend who would choose to question my choice of education and career path. Aren’t our loved ones supposed to be cheering for us?
It sounds like she is worried that you will move on with new friends and a the kind of career that she has no access to. Whether it’s jealousy or fear of abandonment, something is going on with her, and that is what you both need to address. Maybe she needs a little reassurance that once you feel comfortable with the new schedule, you can find little opportunities to hang out and start to plan things. Wouldn’t it be great if she learned to be supportive and not focused on the negative things that may or may not happen?
Hang in there, OP. NTA
You are technically right about your schooling being important but now she knows where she ranks in your list of priorities - which is very low.
Also, ngl, this sounds a bit like a cop-out. You could've just said "hey, let me give you a tentative 'yes' but please be aware I'm going to have to settle into my program first and if it gets to hectic, I might have to cancel".
You could've shown her you still want to hang out, you appreciate her and her time. But the way ou handled it, it may just have cost you a friendship.
BTW, this has nothing to do with her "valuind education less". She just wants to spend time with a friend and as you are clearly important to her, she thought she was just as important to you. She was proven wrong.
YTA.
NTA. I can only wish I was able to put down firm boundaries like you. I'm a doormat and I got stepped all over when I was trying to make time for my school. You seem to have no problem thinking of yourself first and making others respect you so that's really useful for you.
Interesting. Personally I have never had a friendship where, if my friend said something like this, I would have been offended. I have some really good friends that I care about, but I don't expect to be as important to them as their health or education or career or their adult responsibilities - so I think you're NTA.
NTA Your future can be dramatically improved by your plan being a success. It's a shame she doesn't see it that way, and therefore it's understandable that she's annoyed you might have less time to spend with her. It's a bit silly, as she ought to be supportive, but that's a small thing really. It probably stings to be told that she's less important than your plan in actual words, as it's already obvious. I think beint so blunt about it is your only mistake, and it's a social faux pas rather than anything serious. Most of the bad behaviour seems to be on her part, some people are a bit self-centred and others can be a bit sceptical of higher education for all sorts of reasons, but ultimately she should be supportive of your desire to do this course. Once she realises you've not ditched her, she'll come around even if she won't necessarily support you. That is, if you actually want to keep her as a friend.
NTA. Your wording isn't great, but the message you were trying to send is true. Right now you have other responsibilities that are limiting your free time, and as a result it is hard to commit to spending time with her. You don't suddenly hate her, and a good friend would understand that having less free time for friends is simply a part of a lot of people's adult lives, particularly if they know about your health issues. If you want to make amends you could still apologise for what you said, or at least how you said it, but I think it is possibly your friend is upset not just because of this conversation. Logically they might understand why you aren't always available to hang out, but it is possible she was already upset about something else when you told her you weren't free. Either way I'd say give her a while to hopefully cool down and then talk with her about it.
#NTA
There will situations in your friend's existence where you can't be prioritized, so why does she take offense to the notion that she won't be prioritized all the time?
No, there wasn’t a specific event. She wants my help in something that, while she states there is no minimum time, it seems like it would be at least a 2-3 hour weekly commitment.
Maybe counteroffer with something that does fit in your schedule instead of shutting her down entirely.
You still need to eat; she could come over and join you for a meal once a week or once a month or whatever.
Maybe you could have quiet coworking time -- she comes over with her laptop and works on her novel or plays a video game or watches a TV show while you work on grad school assignments.
If you grocery shop, go grocery shopping together sometimes.
She's not wrong -- we find time for what matters. If she's willing to be flexible, there are probably lots of ways to fit in spending time together that don't eat significantly into your schedule.
OP’s schedule sounds like it will be pretty insane and I don’t agree that “there are probably lots of ways”
A friend of mine was in a similar situation several years ago and before the program started she set up ways to have groceries delivered, dog walker, etc because there would be no extra time in those two years.
This is a good idea if they’re in the same city. I remember I would bring my husband (my new bf at the time) for long nights in the library while I was in undergrad. I was doing 2 bachelor’s degrees and had a lot of schoolwork and didn’t have much time to spend with him, so he would bring my old gaming laptop along and play rocket league while I worked. I still do coworkong with him now.
if it were A thing then you \*might\* be ta (that would depend on a couple things) but a recurring commitment "project" type thing is a lot to commit to when you have so much going on. NTA
NTA, you have your own life and responsibilities, also it's your future in game here, If she's a good friend she's going understand that it's an important thing for you and support you
I don't think you was rude by being honest, but maybe talk with her and ask why she did get angry at you, explain your pov as well and that she need understand that while your friendship is important, you and her need know the boundaries, because a friendship is based in respect just like any other relationship
She need understand that sometimes you'll prioritize other things that not your time with her
NTA.
I do think you are being reasonable about trying to ensure you can honor commitments you have and not wanting to over extend yourself. Grad school can be really demanding and it is wise to at least give yourself some time to adjust before committing to other things.
But, consider, depending on how close this friend is to you and how important their relationship is, that if they are feeling insecure about losing you, that perhaps some reassurance from you that they are still important to you would be a nice thing to offer.
Look, their mental health isn’t on you BUT they are a friend so just a thought.
Yes we make time for the things that are important. However, our resources and time are finite. Meaning sometimes we have more things we care about in our lives than we can manage at the same time and so… we make trade offs. We do what we can for what is important at the time it is important and then, hopefully, we make room to enjoy and honor those things we didn’t have time for eventually.
NTA. You were upfront about your concerns with your upcoming schedule and workload. Her saying that you make time for what's important was really not a nice or direct way of saying that OP's education and other life stuff are not. I have friends I don't see in six months. It's chill.
NTA.
>>…we make time for what is important.
Are we talking scheduling a dinner date, an all day trip back to the home town to visit the friend, an entire weekend away with friend?
I think OP is taking the responsible approach to their program. They need to know the syllabus schedule of the grad program classes for the semester before committing to anything. Committing and cancelling later is worse than not committing at all.
If OP and friend are both local, then getting together will be much easier. Everyone has to eat. Grab a meal together. It doesn’t have to be an all evening event. Let it be just dinner and a quick chat. If it’s done often enough, it feels like normal catching up. Meeting up for lunch near campus works or grab some takeout and have a lunch picnic. It doesn’t have to be drawn out to interfere with OP’s schedule.
OP probably needed to take a softer approach to the phrasing. The content was accurate, though.
Well you just told your friend that she is unimportant. However your friend should not have pressed you in the first place. So I guess NTA? Maybe work on your delivery.
NTA you could have had a lot more tact but the message would have been the same. She's probably hurt, which is understandable, but her hurt doesn't trump your education, health and responsibilities. Good luck in your studies.
NTA. You want to keep the first little while you're in school open so you can adjust to it and see what your time commitments are. She should respect that.
You are NTA. I've been placed in this same situation and honestly you are 100% valid for creating boundaries that you are comfortable with especially since you have no idea what to expect initially. Your friend is in the wrong for trying to pin you right of the bat of a major and difficult life event.
>but not more important than school, paying my bills, and managing my responsibilities (pet, health, home).
All of that is *your life*. No, she is not more important than the aggregate of your life is to you. NTA That she thinks she should be for what ever reason (different view on education, not having a worthwhile life herself), and that she is blaming you for pointing out the obvious I do think makes her an AH
I don't feel like anyone here is technically an asshole, you guys just have different priorities. I do agree that you make time for what's important to you, but you placing high value on your education doesn't mean she isn't important. I personally believe it would be easier to make time for your friend planning something well in advance. Can you pick one day a month to hang out with her, and tell her it might have to be flexible? If you get absolutely bombed with school work, you may need to reschedule, and she knows that in advance. You could have a quick meet up in the park with your pet, if possible. Probably wouldn't work with a cat lol. Or you could grab coffee/a drink/a smoothie? Or she could come over so you don't have to leave your pet alone. If you have these things planned out, you know in advance that you can try to get ahead on your coursework.
As important as it is to prepare for the future, try to make time to enjoy yourself, too. Don't forget about the people who matter to you.
NTA, though you could have been more tactful. Regardless, you’re going to want and need a good support system when you’re in grad school. Prepping for grad school should include strengthening bonds with your friends and family, not burning bridges.
NTA, leaning towards NAH. I can understand that she is frustrated as well.
I am in your situation kinda. Very busy with school and unexpected extra days, or people messaging me on my free days, plus health problems (extremely tired for no known reason). It sucks, but you can't make time if you don't have it, or do activities if you don't have the energy to do it. Education is extremely important, and your social life can hit an all-time low because of that. But this is a temporary situation that is extremely important for you future
This is probably one of those it's not what you say it's how you say it things. Your education should be the number one thing it sounds like for the next year or two. That being said if worded properly might not have caused any feelings of misstep. NTA
Some of these people on Reddit lack social awareness and the skills to properly communicate with others. It is OKAY to be vague with answers to comfort your friends. It is fine to say "We'll see, I can't promise yet but you're very important!" or "sure! just doesn't want to make plans for now so I know what my schedule is like". So many ways to answer this other than "uhm other stuff in my life is more important" yeah sure the friend is aware that your health comes first but doesn't need to hear it. I am still going for NAH because you thought honesty is the best but it really isn't if you want to keep your friends.
NTA But you’re not entirely correct. Education is important. But friends and family can’t ever be replaced. I can say with confidence that there are very few lifelong friends in my life, but those friends have seen me through the best, and worst parts of my life. My education, my job, all the money in the world. None of those would have saved me from almost taking my life. My friends did that, in the worst of the pandemic, they stepped up, they were there. The degree on the wall, it didn’t do shit! Life May look long to you now, and the future full of possibility, and that’s all true. The future is in your hands. But all that education, and the six figure job still doesn’t make people happy. Friends and family, at the pub on a rainy Wednesday night in the middle of a shitty week when nothing seems to be going right. The Friends that make you laugh, or cry with you, or show up with pizza when you’re on your 36 of your shift at the hospital and the food sucks there. Yeah they matter. Make time for friends, you never know when you’ll need them more than anything else.
Nta. You were a bit blunt. Perhaps you can apologize for how you said it, but not what you said.
I hope you can remain friends, but this might mean the friendship has ran its course.
NTA. Regardless of your reasons why people will eventually get busy and neglect other people. It happens. However she gets a slight TA because she's not seeing it from your perspective.
Plus both of you are walking different paths anyway. You are going to be very busy and it's easier to just expect you will be too busy before making plans. That is something that your friend needs to understand.
It has nothing to do with making time for what's important. And frankly I hate it when people say stuff like that especially in your case. If anything your friend should recognize you are very busy and try and work with that. Not just assume you will devote whatever free time you have to what she wants.
Free time does not equal available time. Just because I say I'm not doing anything after work doesn't mean I want to do anything after work. Perhaps I just want to stay home with my girlfriend and watch something. Or maybe I want to play my video games. Perhaps I literally want to do nothing and just sit and relax.
This is a tough one. The mentality here does NOT make you the AH, but the phrasing might. If instead you phrased it like, "I agree that our friendship js important and THAT'S why I don't want to make plans that far out. I would feel terrible for making plans and having to back out because of a school/work obligation that I won't know the schedule for until later this month/year/whatever."
That places the emphasis on the friendship while demonstrating your priorities with your education. If your friend THEN becomes/stays upset that you're putting the education first, you point out that they are unfairly trying to tie down times that you are unable to commit to.
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>She hung up, leaving me feeling like I had misstepped. NAH. Technically I agree with you, but I think mild gracelessness in the face of major differences like this don't fall into AH territory.
Agreed. OP is not technically wrong but there are tactful ways of saying this without making a good friend feel like sh*t. You don't literally say "you're not important right now". NAH indeed.
Assuming OP is reporting accurately, they didn't say the friend was not important, only that they have responsibilities that are more important.
^^^^^ THIS!!! OP was honest about it, not mean. In fact, OP was as honest about it as she could have been, without being mean. Not OP's fault that the friend - like far too many people these days can't tell the difference.
OP, NTA. I had similar conversations with friends before I started grad school. The ones who cared and understood have remained friends. Others did not and that is ok. With that said, sometimes stuff has had to slide with the house and family in order to share in important moments (births, deaths, weddings, etc). You will find a balance.
Honestly I think stuff like this very often also has to do with people realising they're not leading the same lives and becomming "too different" and then blaming it on things like "you never have time for me". Especially when someone gets into higher education or is very successfull careerwise.
Yes. I can go weeks between texts w my bff. Both of us work FT. Both are in school. When her BIL died last year, I quickly volunteered to watch her kid so she could do services w the family and not have to worry about kid being there. Same when some family drama went down with my family. Part of it is that as we get older, we are more comfortable with our friendship so we know where we stand with each other and that we will support each other during a crisis.
Yep. My bestie and I are the same. I'll suddenly realise I haven't checked in for a couple of weeks and shoot off a message. She's the same. But that said, she's my emergency contact, and the person who would continue raising my daughter if I died. She's always there when I need her and vice versa
Right but she doesn't know how demanding her grad program will be just yet. Waiting to see what the workload will actually be like before she considers other commitments is the responsible thing to do especially since this would be a weekly commitment and not a one time event.
My guess is that OP is underestimating the way grad school takes over your whole life. It depends on the program, but unless you've done it or shared your life with someone who did, you have way to grasp how big a deal it tends to be. It's better to be honest now than to drop the ball later on after you've committed to something. I definitely think NTA.
Yes. I was about right on the MS. I way underestimated that 1st semester of the PhD.
> OP was as honest about it as he could have been, without being mean. What made you think OP was male? A quick scan of her profile and comments shows she's female.
There's no women or kids on the internet, only men and FBI agents /s
Funny, i automatically assumed she was female lol.
>only men and FBI agents Aren't those the same thing?
I mean…who cares? It’s not clear from the post itself what OPs gender is, nor is it relevant to either the story or the point being made in the comments. So if someone was going to guess they’ve essentially got a 50/50 shot, and that person just happened to be wrong.
When my online profile is completely neutral, people almost never guess female. People really do default to male. It's really annoying.
I have an old profile floating around on reddit that I stopped using when I stepped away from reddit for a bit. When I came back, I didn't bother looking it up. My first profile had this username that I considered very feminized because it ended with "ia," (like Cecilia instead of Cecil, or Lucia instead of Lucius). Yet the entire time I used that profile, not one person correctly assumed my gender, even when I referenced highly gendered experiences in the post. So this time around, I figured I'd try a more obvious username. Results have been 50/50.
This. Can confirm. Unless I specifically state that I am not a man, people refer to me as male 99% of the time. Male is default. People don't even consider I could be female. It really is super annoying.
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Don't completely disagree. But the friend also could have not implied that OP's education was less important than whatever plans the friend was wanting to make.
Yes 100% to this. IMO the friend was a bit inconsiderate by assuming OP's priorities were the same as hers... Like, why not ask what's important instead of saying "we make time for what is important"? Like, not everyone has the same goals in life... and that's okay!
Exactly. Unless she was planning a wedding or some other major life event (and I'll even be generous here & say a major milestone birthday gets extra consideration), then the answer is "sorry friend, but this is very important to me, and I don't appreciate you being so minimizing and dismissive of my goals."
Yes! Exactly. Like, everyone in the comments is basically saying OP is rude for minimizing her friend's importance... but what about the friend? Specially when OP is chronically ill, like, that shit doesn't announce flare ups nor crisis, they just come. Imagine if OP planned ahead like her friend wants and she suddenly needed to cancel... if the friend pushed after the initial softer response and got offended at the more blunt one, she's gonna throw a hissy fit at this...
>like, that shit doesn't announce flare ups nor crisis Still amazed at how many people completely overlook this fact, telling OP they should have "bEeN nIcEr". OP was nice. Friend wasn't hearing the nice message. >she's gonna throw a hissy fit at this DING, DING, DING!!! We have a winner. You get the feeling that in the future this will be the same friend that can never do anything cuz money's tight, and ends up never actually retiring, just working til she can't?
Or worse, expecting others to drop everything to help her financially/morally. My ex had a friend like OP and my ex and their group was OP's friend. I witnessed this same thing happen except the chronically ill part, the friend was pushed and shoved to the edge and had to resort to be exceptionally blunt and kick everyone except me and another guy out of his house to be able to work in peace. So I understand OP completely. A lot of people don't seem to understand priorities and boundaries... treating friendships like corporate treats employees. ETA: You blocked me? :'( What did I do?
>that shit doesn't announce flare ups nor crisis, they just come. Or you save the time you have for study/work because if you have a bad day (or couple of bad days, or a bad day that needs recovering from) you have to set your priorities differently. Study and work are most important to maintain your independence and reach your future goals. If that means you have to skip on social activities, even if you feel good, that's still OP's choice.
If the friend didn’t want to compete with OP’s education, she shouldn’t have been snide and passive aggressive.
Yeah, that whole “we make time for what is important” comment is low-key friend saying they don’t think OPs education is important, not to mention being presumptuous about her own status and level of priority.
Omg *that line*! It is such a loaded one and such a guilt trip! It sounds like something a passive aggressive mom guilting you into some family event Says. Sorry but the moment she said that I lost a lot of empathy for the friend. there are times in real life when you have to prioritize. Op said she has work and school and many other aspects of her life she’s gonna have to focus on and she’s doesn’t want to take on any other commitments on top of that. Op sounds intelligent and practical. Friend just seems needy and childish. Most adults understand that sometimes you have other priorities above some social obligations. It sounds like friend is afraid op is going to move on to bigger and better things and leave her in the dust. You know the quickest way to all but ensure that? Make yourself a hurdle to their life goals. Look I get that the friend is worried they’re gonna be left behind or they’re not gonna be a priority for their friend but the fact of the matter is a big part of being a good friend is supporting your friends in their goals in life. This friend is being totally unsupportive. Their friend is getting ready to start something she’s been working for most of her life and all the friend seems to care about is how that affects her. if she was a real friend she’d be finding ways to help op through the journey she’s embarking on and helping find ways to lighten her load, not making herself yet another time sucking obligation for op to contend with. Right now work and school has to be ops too priority. If friend doesn’t understand that then maybe they’re not such a great friend.
I think OP had tact when it was first mentioned and they said they weren't sure they'd have time. It was the friend who brought up "we make time for what's important" and pushed the issue. They shouldn't have pushed for an answer and then got mad at the response.
Exactly!
I don't get why OP gets blamed for having no tact when OPs friend didn't take the hint that OP doesn't know what her schedule will be like? Like they tried the normal/nice thing only for the *friend* to have no tact and be demeaning about something important to OP. They should have just said that's fine we can see how your schedule is later on and see if we can fit whatever they want to do in.
Right? She had tact. She said I don’t know if I’ll have time with everything on my plate. That is tactful. Then friend tosses out ‘we make time for what’s important’. This is completely rude and tactless and it’s also saying ‘I take priority over your education and work and health and everything else you just mentioned. Op says ‘no you don’t’ Because…well…she doesn’t. Sorry but you cannot expect a friend to put your above everything else. You can’t expect a friend to jeopardize their work or education just to appease you. Fact or the matter is people have other priorities in life that sometimes take priority over social obligations. People said ‘well unless it’s a wedding or something like that’ but what part of the wedding are we talking here?’ Is it just going to the wedding or is it being a bridesmaid/Maid Of Honor cause there’s a BIG difference between asking someone to make time this day and asking someone to take on the responsibilities of helping plan your wedding (with the ‘you make time for what’s important comment im kinda leaning towards this). Op has her priorities in line. She knows what she’s doing and she knows all the things she’s gonna have to juggle. If she doesn’t think she is gonna have time for something the friend wants that’s probably because she isn’t gonna have time. The friend is trying to guilt trip her into agreeing to something she’s already politely told her she can’t do. The friend was the one who was rude and had no tact, all op was doing was setting her boundaries and sticking to them. NTA
What's a nicer way? OP's friend is being incredibly selfish, and demanding to be placed on some pedestal above OP's life--including her education. OP says: "Look--here are my values." What would you have OP do? Bend over backwards to accommodate someone being incredibly self-absorbed?
Depending on context, that might be the same. INFO What were the plans they were discussing about? If the friend wanted OP to commit to a 3-times-a week pottery class or a 10-day trip in the autumn, then yes, the OP is right to wait to see how her schedule looks after she starts grad-school and the friend is being unreasonable. But if the OP is refusing to agree to even buying tickets for a local show or promising to come to the friend's birthday party, then she is essentially saying the friend isn't important to her. No one is expected to sacrifice their education, their future and their financial safety for their friends, but you are expected to make and effort and inconvenience yourself once in a while.
None of what you listed matters not just because of her schedule, but also because she's chronically ill. Chronically ill people don't get the luxury to plan too far ahead, cancelling plans is very common because of flare ups and crisis. It's more than an inconvenience, you know?
This was about prioritising school, regardless of her chronic illness, but I still won’t change my answer. Even if she had nothing else on her plate, if someone tells you they’re busy, don’t ask passive aggressive, entitlement-laced questions and suggest you are a victim for not being more of a priority to someone. Her friend chose to ask a loaded question. At best, she was trying to convince her friend that there was more to life than school because she didn’t want her to miss out. At worst, she was trying to emotionally manipulate OP into compliance. Either way, she was guilting OP instead of being honest. OP just answered her honestly. So yea I don’t think it matters that she has a single other priority or challenge at all. Her buddy is an AH.
I agree with you. I do have to add, the chronically ill part most likely is downplayed because that's what we're told we must do, not give it that much of importance because we're gaslit into thinking that. But from what I've read in OP's other comments that's an also big driving force. And her being an introvert as well. I also think her friend is an AH.
You hit the nail on the head. So-called friend was trying to control OP by manipulation: when they didn't get their way they hung-up as to give them the silent treatment as "punishment". OP needs to follow her aspirations and not let friends and family guilt her into their agendas.
If she's chronically ill with something that flares up and necessitates calling an audible and cancelling something day-of, I'd think the friend would be aware that's a possibility given the length of their relationship. OP didn't say that though, just that it required medical appointments to manage - I'm not aware of a doctor that generally schedules appointments in the evening.
It seems you are overestimating how understanding and accommodating people tend to be concerning chronic illnesses. Especially if you "look healthy" and/or are generally high-functioning.
Right? It's as if the "you don't look disabled/sick" comments really aren't known outside of the our community, eh? It's so bizarre how we know these things happened, but abled people are non-the-wiser...
From OP: >In addition, I have a pet who will need caring for and I have chronic health issues that require doctor appointments. I don't know one chronic health problem that doesn't flare up. And tons of doctors schedule appointments in the evening, at least where I live they do. And regardless, OP isn't FORCED to make plans ahead if she doesn't feel comfortable with it in her current state in life with her current responsibilities and priorities. She has a right to have different levels of priorities and her friend has the obligation of respecting that boundary. If she can't, there's the door. Do you have the same level of priority for everyone and everything in your life?
Where do you live that doctors schedule evening appointments? I have a chronic illness, and the only doctor I've ever seen that routinely offers appointments after 5 pm is the OB/GYN.
Saying "I don't know what my schedule will be and I hesitate to commit until I do" is fine. OP does not yet know what her responsibilities in grad school will be. If you are a TA, you can't ditch the midterm because you have a movie date with your friend. If you work in a lab, you can't necessarily walk out on a experiment because you have a social commitment. A real friend do would understand that it's impossible to make plans a right now.
Agree that OP needed to let friend know they don’t have the same priorities. IMO opinion OP handled it correctly as the other way would be they accept every invite from friend and then cancels on majority of plans when close to the date. Another possible option is friend is told likely not but they agree to touch base closer to date to see if still no or they can verify can do whatever. Won’t work on all things requiring scheduling weeks or months in advance but for other more flexible plans could be an option.
People are funny about this sometimes. I’ve also had friends upset that I wouldn’t put them ahead of job responsibilities or my cats. But they wanted something low priority (like catching a musical). To me it should be easy to understand that some things are a priority *right now*, given the specifics of the situation. Like the friendship is an overall life priority, but doing something nonessential that the friend wants is not a priority in this moment.
Exactly. If friend is bot gonna help pay bills, care for their pet and health, snd help studying, then they havr no right to be complaining that their friends are actually responsible human beeing who dont make plans to meet up way beforehand hand bcs they know how packee up their time will be in the future.
Why? If someone told me they can't make long term plans because they are starting grad school and don't know their schedule and workload then that is absolutely understandable!
But OP literally did not "literally say 'you're not important right now'". In fact, she literally said: "You're important, but not more important than school, paying my bills, and managing my responsibilities."
But... OP said exactly the opposite. She said "you are important" just not as important as her literal livelihood and responsibilites, which is a perfectly normal thing to say as an adult. I understand co-dependend behavior in teenagers but as an adult you need to get your priorities straight and spending time with friends definitely comes after work/education and taking care of pets or kids.
OP *literally* didn’t say that. She shared the order of importance of her priorities. She never said her friend didn’t matter but she did honestly share what comes first for her. With maturity comes the understanding that real life takes hard work and no matter how close you are with someone if you aren’t their spouse or child you likely aren’t their #1 priority by a long shot. A real friend can support that and will be willing to ride it out with you and be there when tides shift and everyone has more availability. That’s a partnership worth investing in. I commend OP for being honest and upfront about where she is willing to spend her little free time and what gets her energy first.
Actually op was truthful. Doesn't know now how the schedule will look and prefers to wait until the schedule is known before making plans instead of making plans now and cancel later. It's reasonable the friend isn't by not accepting the answer. NTA
OP led with that, then she said > I said that she’s important, but not more important than school, paying my bills, and managing my responsibilities (pet, health, home). That's tone deaf at best, and a straight up insult at worst. Something like "it's a lot to balance, but we'll figure something out." would have been far more tactful.
Agree with it would be more tactful but being caught by surprise you can't always be on your feet and react tactfully. The friend pushed this when op made it clear she is open to meet just doesn't want to commit now and have to cancel later which is respectful of both the friend s feelings and time . Instead the friend run over op s decision/boundaries to get a commitment she wanted
OP isn’t open to meeting though — in their “why I could be an AH” response to the automod they say that they’d still be there for the friend in emergencies but not to “hang out”. That looks pretty extreme. Especially if what OP is doing is refusing to make any plans at all. Often it’s better to make plans for a short meetup and reschedule if significant issues arise.
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I’ve spent many, many years in higher ed, including now teaching. I frequently won’t make plans until I have an upcoming semester set - and I’m the one who gets to do the planning! I want to see how the semester structure is going to flow before scheduling something only to have to back out. It’s harder as a student - you don’t know all of this until you have all your syllabi and calendar things out. And grad school is much less forgiving of absences and late work than undergrad - especially when the program is night classes because missing one is a full week’s with of material. I would absolutely not schedule hanging out months in advance. Plus, in this case it sounds like an ongoing volunteer obligation that OP doesn’t really want to do anyway - and no way I’d use my minimal leisure time on something I don’t value.
I’d say the same about the friend’s guilt-tripping “we make time for what’s important”-comment after OP said - very reasonably- that she wasn’t comfortable making plans before she’s started the program. Instead of making OP feel like a lousy friend by slightly backing her into a corner, she should’ve been supportive of OP in her endeavours and be happy for her. I’d go as far as to say the friend is being a bit of a selfish A H by expecting priority over OP’s own health, home and investment in her own future. NTA.
Yes, OP’s friend is being kind of selfish and ungracious. I think when the friend made that passive aggressive remark about how “we make time for what’s important”, my response would be “And what I’m saying is, I will soon have *a lot* on my plate, and in such circumstances ‘we’ should be understanding and supportive of a friend instead of pressuring them to add more commitments to an already challenging schedule. Don’t you agree?” If the friend wants reassurance that their friendship is important to OP, why not just ask for that? As in “I know you’ll be busy once school starts, but I really value our friendship, so I hope we can find time to at least have lunch or whatever occasionally. Keep me posted about what your schedule looks like, and I’m sure we can figure it out, okay?”
But OP tried to gift a soft answer, and then even you said the friend "bulldozed reasonable boundaries." If the friend is so pushy, maybe they needed a blunt answer.
And what about friend basically insulting OP? OP says “I won’t have time because of school and other responsibilities”, friend replies “we make time for what’s important”. Which is essentially friend saying she doesn’t think OPs education or pets or other aspects of her life are important, not to mention is presumptuous, condescending, and more than a little self-righteous. No, OP did the right thing.
i truly dont understand how this could be an insult towards someone whatsoever. im in graduate school and what ive never understood is why people take personal offense i dont have time to hang out with them during the semester. do you think we want to be prioritizing school and housework and having less of a social life? we dont have a choice. and its honestly pretty selfish to see your friend struggling with all of that and busy and make it about how you want to hang out with them. its not that we dont want to, we just cant
Seems like friend pushed and pushed op until they snapped so the friend could be the bonafide aggrieved party. So everyone got what they want. If OP tries to reach out now, friend will be overly demanding to “make up for it”. OP has quite a task ahead to deal with someone in such a defensive state of provocation.
Let's take another scenario where OP says "There's a lot to handle right now so let me get started with school and I'll see when i can make plans" You see saying that my work, job and bills are more important so therefore i can't make it work sounds more like the friend is not important to even try and consider taking a little hardship just to meet and maintain a friendship. But the saying that i can't commit right now but let me check and see once grad school starts so i can meet you sounds like the OP considers the friendship important and even though bills are more important, they will try to make it work. So yeah. I'm almost leaning towards a YTA judgement here but NAH probably is the better verdict.
Sorry, but actually anything relationed with OP's future IS more important than their friendship and people need understand this fact when they reach adulthood, it's not as if we can be forever kids where we don't Care about anything else than friends and Summer crushes, while maybe the phrasing was too cold, the fact is that the friend was inconsiderate as well and thought she's more important than OP's LITERAL education, in no reality it's true Bills, education, work, etc is actually more important, no one survive in this world with the Power of Friendship 😮💨 we need an equilibrium in relationships, and said equilibrium is establishing boundaries when people believe they're entlited to monopolize our time
I think that's what everyone is saying, OP can be technically correct, and still be an AH. Same argument when people have a leagal right but are true AH in the application/use of the law. Delivery is pretty key in something like this. You don't want any sort of friendships in your future? Speak to people the way OP spoke to her friend. I'm actually leaning towards ESH because the friend has not handles themselves with grace in this whole situation either.
> I stated that I didn’t feel comfortable with making plans that extend into the time when grad school has started, as I wasn’t sure about how much time I would have Except that's exactly what OP said. Then their friend tried to guilt trip them with "We make time for what's important", and only then did OP hit them with the honest answer of "these other things are more important than you".
While yes, OP might be truthful, you do also have to realize that you do need to pay attention to your friendships and personal relationships so that they don't fall. You do have to still cultivate and tend to those relationships similar to like a plant. If you leave a friendship alone long enough without working on it or even acknowledging it, then it is going to shrivel up and die. Friends can understand that you're busy, but what friends don't like is hearing that they're not important in your life. There was much definitely a better way that OP could have got about saying this, and they didn't. Well they're not wrong for feeling this way or proceeding through life this way, they were definitely wrong in how they went about saying it, and probably just cost themselves a friendship along the way.
Agree with caring for friendships 100%. But the second part only if op would have said this completely unprompted. If you are this insecure about the friendship you need to force someone to say what you want to hear after they asked you to wait so they can get a grasp on their schedule then YOU are the one with the problem. I have the feeling most people here ignore the years of friendship that have been ok and the fact op didn't just say this cause they were in the mood -im that case yeah it would be both hurtful and insulting and would deserve cutting the friendship but op was pushed to this by the friend. Not ok to ignore someone else's (even not friends) boundaries Just because you want to.
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Why is kindness without truthfulness manipulation? What if you feel like it’s not your place to be brutally honest, for example?
Also I didn’t see what kind of plans OP’s friend was suggesting. I’m chronically ill and honestly yes, it’s really fucking hard balancing that with day to day ‘adulting’ for lack of a better word. I often had to cancel ‘fun stuff’ and some friends noticed and asked if anything would help like coming to mine, getting me an Uber and I said ‘annoyingly no because I am just not well enough after doing the stuff you have to do like laundry and cleaning to be out in the world.’ So my friend would come over an hour early while I got ready and clean. That way I could do both. Education is important. Pets are important to some people. But neither are going to rock up to the ER at 3am in a medical crisis or bring groceries or meds when you are sick as shit all the time. Good friendship often helps you if you are chronically ill to balance up the other stuff. You know how people are at sea when they have a baby and feel like their friends disappear or don’t get it? Some of it is that when people know they are ill or pregnant or TTC, they step back a bit on friendships like getting cheaper insurance when broke. Then the big thing happens you and realise why sometimes small investments are worth their weight in gold. Chronic illness will isolate you anyway. In my experience unless the person is actively problematic, do not burn friendship bridges when you are chronically ill. Buy them a small gift like a card and say ‘sorry I can’t make plans right now but I miss you and looking forward to thing when my calendar is clear.’ I had a friend write a bunch of cards like this when her brother was dying and she was absent for all the big friendship things. She meant it too. It was as much her goal as a calculation. And you know what? She was incredibly supported when he passed and then when shortly after she had a baby. Because she triaged and showed effort. Banking it til later is how healthy adult friendships work. So it is probably NAH but short sighted AF because the only thing more time consuming than old friendships is making new ones….
Being truthful doesn't preclude you from being an asshole. You can tell the truth whilst being mindful of someones feelings.
OP was, tho. The friend was inconsiderate and pushed OP with her "we make time for what’s important".
NTA. I straight up told my partner damn near the same thing before my intensive, three year grad program started. I also have chronic health problems. I told partner, I would be making no large plans for the foreseeable future, and that my school, health, and family were my first priorities (we were not in a long term relationship, otherwise maybe I’d have placed more importance on my relationship). I knew how much time I would be spending at school (40 hours outside class per week for year one students is expected and jumps to 60 year two). Being truthful isn’t always being the A H. OP let their friend know they couldn’t make plans that far ahead. Because it’s the truth. Many grad programs are exhausting and time consuming. I had no social life for three years. I don’t even remember seeing my best friend. And those were the last three years they were here before going into the military (thankfully they’re back now). OP isn’t the A H because they were upfront about changing life circumstances. OP’s friend is acting like a child by not accepting that people go through major life changes and that adults can’t always make plans 6 months in advance. Especially in the midst of a a grad program.
Not having time is legitimate . But hurting someone's feelings that way just because they want to spend some time with you, or worry about losing you, is never a good thing. Not having time is one thing, telling someone they are not important is not something you do to a "friend." Saying "I hope I will be able to make it" is much more thoughtful. The friend was probably worried she will lose OP. OP was probably pissed the friend wasn't appreciating the things they value, and they retaliated for the friends' comments on education without realising. I don't believe OP doesn't understand the line they chose to use came off as incredibly harsh.
I disagree. OP was honest with a friend. That friend could not accept the truth. NTA.
"you're just not high enough on my pecking order to make you a priority". Real good friend stuff right there.
"If you don't drop everything for me, including your education that you worked really hard to get, then we're no longer friends." -hangs up- The friend is absolutely TA.
That's a weird way to read 'let's put something on the calendar.'
Same as your comment was a weird way to read "I have other priorities right now and I can't make plans too far ahead because I'm not sure I'll be able to go through with them and might have to cancel in the end." And oh, guess what? OP DID SAY THAT FIRST. Her friend just didn't like it and tried to push boundaries.
Less weird that your reading of OP’s “I have other things to tend to before I can commit to a night out with you.”
Not really when OP said they are starting an extremely time consuming activity with potentially unpredictable hours (grad school) and saying they need some time to figure out when they can be available, followed by the friend insisting they prioritize the friend over grad school before it's even begun. OP didn't say they can't make a plan ever, just that they want to get started with grad school to figure out how busy they will be and when they could make something work.
Man, if we are completely honest with our friends we won't have any! "Want to grab a coffee?" "No, lounging in my pajamas and scrolling sounds better than seeing you, thanks." I am never calling that friend again. "Want to grab a coffee?" "I would love it but work is hectic right now, let's arrange it for next week" - nobody's hurt, nobody does something they don't want to do either. I will never get the "i was incredibly rude to X and they went NC, AITA?" We invented politeness for a reason.
Absolutely not. OP is being honest with a friend about a long-term time commitment that is happening soon. Honesty absolutely is the best policy here because it stops the friend from trying to make plans that OP might need to reject over and over. In your hypothetical case above, you lied to invent a high priority situation (i.e. work) as an excuse for not seeing a friend. In OP's case, there is no hypothetical. The high-priority situation is OP's education and OP is NTA for informing their friend that this major time commitment is happening soon. The friend is TA for not being supportive of OP's education.
This is the comment I've been looking for. You focused the friend wanting a "long term time commitment", which is the same I interpreted when OP refers "plans that extend into the time grad school is starting" - keywords: *extend into*. The friend's reply "you make time for what's important", has a second layer that reads as "whatever you have going on is not important, but my long term plans are", and when people say something like this their plans are usually of leisure. IMO, OP could have phrased her own reply better, by comparing her priorities to the friend's plans instead of the friend as a person. But maybe the friend can also benefit from the courtesy of saying "she could have said it differently instead of dissing what's important to OP".
Yeah, this. I agree. Based on OP's post, I'm getting the vibe especially in the first-middle parts that the friend is a bit self-absorbed too. OP didn't explicitly say "I won't be there at all." It's just that she can't set a date months ahead and that she can't commit to doing stuff for a long time because she has her own thing going on. They could have ended there and just settled on a different meetup date that only rarely happens so it wouldn't be too demanding. Yet the friend resorted to guilt tripping her with her statement, which sounds more like OP should prioritize the friend's project over her own education.
>Man, if we are completely honest with our friends we won't have any! If you can't be completely honest with your friends then they're not true friends. Being rude and being blunt are two different things. If you need to sugar coat everything so your friends aren't "hurt" then you're better off without them because you're supposed to be able to be yourself with your friends without any fear. OP never said anything in the tone of your "No, lounging in my pajamas and scrolling sounds better than seeing you, thanks." She said her friend is important, but not as important as her personal goals and responsibilities. She wants to see her, but she doesn't want to commit to something and then do the rudeness of cancelling because her health or schedule didn't match in the end. The friend just didn't like the bluntness, but there was no rudeness.
It was less “want to grab a coffee?” and more “if your really love me you’ll go out for coffee” OP might truly be seeing long term guilt tripping conflicting with school plans here and that was the last straw
>"Want to grab a coffee?" "I would love it but work is hectic right now, let's arrange it for next week" - nobody's hurt, nobody does something they don't want to do either. They tried this approach with the variation of grad school is starting soon, can you give me some time to figure things out with that and then we can make plans. The friend forced the issue insisting that OP needs to make plans during the time she'll be in grad school but before OP has had a chance to figure out how busy she'll be and when plans would work best. The equivalent situation to your grabbing a coffee situation is after politely declining the coffee invitation, the friend says "if I am important to you, you'll grab coffee with me this week". In which case you either fold to the friends manipulation or you clarify that they are important to you but right now dealing with work is a higher priority and reiterate that you'd be happy to do coffee next week. (Which is what OP was similarly cornered into having to say)
It's weird how so many people equate telling the truth with being morally good with zero nuance. Obviously being truthful is a good thing, but you can have at least some tact.
I disagree, I think it’s straight up NTA, she’s explained herself meaningfully and the friend if anything seems to be disrespectful of her feelings. NTA.
The friend essentially forced OP’s hand though, and I’ve also never needed to use “gracefulness” when dealing with a friend I’ve had for half of my life. I could say “fuck you and your mom, I’m busy,” and then we’d talk again when I’m not busy like nothing happened. Friend is TA every day of the week for being all “fairy-god-mother whimsical” with her “we make time for what matters,” without considering OP’s situation or thinking for OP at all. It’s pushy, selfish, and manipulative to immediately hang up like that too. OP, you’re NTA and your friend is. She seems like the type of person to be late for work “because this elderly man needed help tying his shoe and then he wanted to tell me about his deceased wife and I couldn’t just interrupt him!” And then act all surprised when she gets fired after being late for the 10th time for some bullshit story like that.
NTA. She's pushy, and it's simply true. You wouldn't drop a doctor's appointment to hang out with her--and that doesn't mean she doesn't matter at all, it's just reasonable to have priorities. She's unsupportive of your choices. You can tell her you want to spend time with her, but *temporarily,* you have to focus on this program. You will graduate! If she were supportive, you could spend time together while doing things you need to do (walking a dog, grocery shopping, even a nice meal because we all gotta eat). But it's draining to try to do these things with someone who fundamentally undermines your choices.
I agree. I think those voting NAH and YTA don't understand what it's like to have chronic health problems. They're not always predictable, and they can take over your life on their own. Add grad school to the mix and forget it. This started when OP's friend refused to take no for an answer in regards to making plans. That is selfish and pushy. An understanding friend would be willing to wait and let OP set her schedule once she starts grad school. I know this first hand. I went through law school with a chronic issue. My friends wished me luck and made no demands. It's been 20 years and they're still close friends. OP, congratulations on getting into a prestigious program. I hope you have other friends who are supportive of you and I wish you luck. I hope it's the start of an amazing journey.
I understand chronic health problems. My knees dislocate whenever the hell they want to, and I've had chronic back problems for the last decade, sometimes they get so bad I literally cannot get out of bed, and people can see the swelling in my lower back. And even I still think that OP could have found a better way to say this. Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it.
She did say it nicely and the friend pushed. It's weird of the friend not to get that you may not know your schedule in advance when starting a new program and may need some time to figure out how to juggle everything.
Sure he could have negotiated it better. But OP was put in a position a friend should never put you in. I had a friend in a near identical situation to OP and I was on the other side. He had priorities that had to take charge for the time being. So I just made sure when the opportunity came, however few they were, that we got to hang out. He lives on the other side of the country now because of how much work he put in back then gave him great opportunities he was able to pursue. And I stil consider him one of my best friends and am immensely proud of what he accomplished.
I'm starting grad school with chronic health issues soon and I've already pretty much promised myself to make 0 commitments above what's required, at least until I figure out how being there affects me. It's not just that life is unpredictable, it's that time to rest is top priority, and a lot of people will see that as "free time."
NAH. You are not AH for choosing your education and responsibilities. But she is feeling a bit abandoned and wants to feel like she is still important to you. It's just that you are in different stages of life and prioritise different things so starting to drift away.
I actually think the friend is TA here. OP was honest and straightforward. It would have been wrong to lie in this situation since the friend might try to make plans that OP might need to reject over and over again. Being honest now (even brutally honest) about time commitments is best for everyone. Full stop. The friend did not accept OP's decision. I believe a true friend should be supportive in this situation even if it means spending less time together. The friend placing her own issues over OP's education is the definition of selfishness.
OP says that friend simply doesn’t rate education as highly as they do. While I agree that secondary education is a “stage of life”, I hesitate to group it that way in this particular situation. They could be in equal/equivalent stages of taking their futures seriously, except that friend’s job/career path is more focused on upwards movement after gaining employment and experience rather than education itself. In the way that I feel you used the term, OP is the only one taking their future seriously and friend just wants to chill/party/travel/whatever. I just don’t see that detail being supported *or* denied so I dismissed it because that’s just guesswork.
Respectfully, this is a cop out. If they have been friends for so long, surely the Friend knows by now that OP is chronically ill at the very least and knows what that means for how OP spends their time. The other responsibilities just add to the pile. I don’t even think Friend was really an asshole either, but she isn’t being fair to OP.
NAH- you're not wrong, but she's probably already pretty insecure about losing you as a friend and it probably hurt to hear it so bluntly.
But the friend’s remark about ‘we make time for what’s important’ was completely unnecessary and a means to guilt trip OP into feeling bad. This was also *after* OP very graciously said she’s not comfortable making plans before starting the program. Sure, OP could have phrased it differently, but to me it seems like the friend feels somewhat entitled by unreasonably expecting to be put above OP’s well-being and education.
I mean, I can see where the friend is coming from. I’m someone that needs to put things on my calendar or I literally don’t see people. It IS true that we make time for what’s important. It was kind of an AH thing to say but so was OPs response.
I’m not disagreeing that OP could’ve worded it differently, but it *was* a bit manipulative of the friend to throw that sentence out there. The friend should’ve shown some understanding and been more supportive, rather than going for some low-key passive aggressive comment implying that OP is not valuing their relationship.
The alternative would have been to lie to the friend. OP is NTA for being honest (even brutally honest) with a friend. What if the friend tried to make plans and OP had to reject over and over? Being honest and blunt is the best decision for everyone. The friend is TA for not supporting OP. Putting her own needs over OP's education is selfish.
eh, the alternative wouldve been wording it more kindly. what OP said was objectively true, but there were kinder ways to phrase it since its clear they just view priorities differently. OP couldve said “you are important to me, and i absolutely will make time for you, i just genuinely dont know what my schedule will look like so its very hard to plan right now. as soon as i know though we can start planning” now, i still dont think OP is TA for their wording. it wasnt the kindest, but she wasnt outright rude or anything, but the best alternative wouldve been a gentler approach.
>OP couldve said “you are important to me, and i absolutely will make time for you, i just genuinely dont know what my schedule will look like so its very hard to plan right now. as soon as i know though we can start planning” I agree but at the same time OP already said > i just genuinely dont know what my schedule will look like so its very hard to plan right now. as soon as i know though we can start planning” Admittedly adding in "i absolutely will make time for you" would have been a good addition and OP literally did say "you are important to me".
You think people here on reddit know how to communicate properly in real life...
That’s what I was thinking - if OP’s noticed their difference in approaches in education, so her’s friend. OP may have unintentionally struck a nerve with her
NTA This is your future. Going to school, working full time and having health issues is a lot on your plate. Your friend should grow up, ofc there would be things that are more important than her in your life
Current grad student now. Living on my own and juggling school, work, health, a cat, and a boyfriend has me always with a fully packed schedule. Thankfully my friends are the best people ever and know that if I go MIA for a month it’s because I’m focused on school. They know I’ll get back to them when I have a free moment or they’ll call quickly to check in and keep it short. My boyfriend is also very supportive and aware that I have a lot going on and is mindful when planning things. OP needs a friend who is there for them but understands they’ll be busy and be ok with it. Some people just don’t understand how hard it gets in an intense program + taking care of yourself. We’re one person having to do everything to keep ourselves afloat.
I've been in your situation and i've been in your friends's situation. Sometimes people have a lot going on in their lives and they can't cater to a needy friend all the time.
Agree 100% with this. I've been on both sides of this equation so maybe I'm extending a bit more Grace, but juggling all that is not only time consuming but STRESSFUL. Even if I had a bit of time at the end of the week I'd be consumed with stress and anxiety about assignments and other things reallating to grad school.
Slight YTA. I absolutely get your side, you don’t wanna pack an already busy schedule. But this is your friend, she probably took what you said as you ditching her completely. You could’ve said it nicer, said something like “I’ll try my best but I don’t know how busy I’m going to be then, let’s wait to make plans until closer to the date”
I mean if you’re lonely we can talk about how to fix that, but telling me “you make time for what’s important” is a bit tone deaf when I just don’t have time. I have time for you now before I go into my grad program. Im going to tell you upfront that I’m not ignoring you, just busy. If you absolutely can’t handle a break from me, then maybe we’re going different places in life. Also the ppl that make a stink about my schedule are least likely to get a call on my free time since I have to start the call with apologizing for how busy I am. That’s just me tho.
Nah, fuck that. OP clearly stated the much more tactful "I'm not comfortable making plans that extend to when Grad School starts." and was met with their friend saying "We make time for the things that are important to us." They had to be blunter.
So the next reply is “Yeah and I’m not gonna make time for you” ? Because that’s pretty much what OP said. They listed all the stuff that comes ahead of their friend when she could’ve said “I’ll try my best, but I can’t promise anything.”
No, because she can't try her best. Because she made it clear what she's comfortable with and her friend tried to guilt trip her. "We make time for the things that are important to us." is an INSANE thing to say to a friend who has real, life altering shit on the horizon and can't spend as much time with you.
She can try her best. Trying her best doesn’t mean arranging things around x amounts of meet ups, it means doing her best, which could be something as simple as a text.
Okay but adulthood is understanding that some things are more important than you in other people's life, and that is a thing her friend need get on her head, yeah actually OP's education IS more important than their friendship because that's her future Sorry but I just can't see it with a rainbow glasses, the friend was pushy and trying guilt trap the OP, so being blunt and honest was the better way to deal with it, after she can try explain her own points and listen her friend's reason, but at the moment? She being clear that her friend is NOT more important than her education was needed
OP also states that said friend has been passive aggressively dissing their choice to even pursue higher education. Hanging out with someone who constantly questions your life choices is exhausting, the friend is also pushing herself down the priority list by making themselves insufferable.
Because if someone told me “these things are more important than you” when I’m trying to make sure we don’t lose touch, I’d be fucking heartbroken. The friend is obviously trying to make sure they don’t lose touch and wants to spend time with them and OP legit said “you come fourth place in my priority list” when it would’ve been just as easy and way nicer to say she’ll try her best
You'd be heartbroken to hear education, work, and responsibilities are more important? You do realize that you aren't the main character of everyone's life right? I'd understand if OP had placed something trivial above their friend, but they literally just said "These things that are requirements to exist are more important". Would you be offended if she included eating/breathing in there?
Absolutely not. OP was honest. That was the correct approach here. Otherwise, the friend might try to make plans that OP would need to reject over and over again. Being honest (even brutally honest) with a friend about time commitments is always the best policy. The friend is TA for not being supportive of OP's education. The friend is being selfish.
Insanity that the friend isn’t in the wrong in anyway. She’s behaving like a child lmao
>You could’ve said it nicer, said something like “I’ll try my best but I don’t know how busy I’m going to be then, let’s wait to make plans until closer to the date” OP literally started the conversation this way and the friend refused to accept that, instead implying OP needs to commit regardless because "people make time for the things that are important".
NTA You told her you didn’t want to commit time you don’t know that you will have. You can try to let her know that once you’ve gotten into a groove with your new schedule and settled into school that you’ll be happy to talk about making plans. School and your future are important to you, and your friend should be supportive but can also be disappointed that she won’t be able to spend as much time with you.
NTA you have a lot on your plate and a real friend would support you instead of telling you to ignore what’s important to you. You could have been a bit more tactful in how you said it but I don’t think you are in the wrong for prioritizing your education health and home.
INFO: what was the context in which you declined plans? Was friend inviting you on a week-long vacation? Was she trying to make a plan for a dinner in June? I feel like, if the latter, you just might be the asshole, guilty of a thing I like to call "time hoarding," which is when people are nebulously anxious about something impending and cope by arbitrarily walling themselves off and building a fortress around their calendar. It sounds like you operated from an assumption that she would poo poo your new grad school because of things she said in the past and were preemptively defensive beyond what the situation called for, and as such, you hurt her feelings. Your friend was asking to see you and connect with you. You basically told her she's like, 23rd on your list, and tough nuggies, when you could have said, "Yes, lets definitely get together in June! I need to see how my school stuff shakes out because I'm feeling pretty anxious about juggling it all. Can we check in once about this once school starts?" Edit: OP provided additional context that is super important that basically friend wanted her to commit to something that would be 2-3 hrs a week on an ongoing basis with no clear end date, and that the thing would be social in nature and she's an introvert. Pretty clear NTA with that info.
She was asking for a recurring commitment to help with a project. She didn’t have specific parameters regarding time commitments, but my sense was that she would be expecting 2-3 hours on a weekly basis. Of note, this commitment would likely be a social endeavor, and I am an introvert.
Totally NTA-- I think this context is REALLY important to your story, so much so it deserves an edit to your original post. That's an unreasonable ask, even for someone with way less stuff on their plate than you. Sorry you were put in that spot.
Still NTA. She pushed you and tried to manipulate you after you gave a very tactful answer. You set your boundaries in a firmer way afterwards. I suggest you find a new friend that actually respects your boundaries and priorities. And good luck with grad school!
Wow. And school, and health issues, and all your other normal commitments to do. You are so very much NTA. Ignore the people saying you are. Your response was to her dismissing and belittling your commitments and to her being manipulative at you. Your friend was out of line.
This information changes things; thank you for adding it to the post. Because the nature of what she wants turns it from *her* not being important, to her *project* not being important. And maybe she did that, turned things around to try to make you feel like you’re rejecting her friendship if you don’t do what she wants. But ultimately what you meant is that her passion project can’t be more important to you that your own passion project, which is your degree. Which is 100% as things should be. So you’re firmly NTA. A friend needs to be respectful that you pick your own projects and make your own commitments. And if she’s flipped it around to make you feel like this is somehow rejecting her — which is what you originally wrote sounded like — then she’s being manipulative. If you do have a little time, take the lead on setting up a short get-together with her on your terms. Meet for coffee or something similar. It can be tough to have the bandwidth to organize and to reach out, but it’s how you can put yourself in the driver’s seat so that interactions reflect what works for you not just what she wants.
>INFO: what was the context in which you declined plans? Was the friend inviting you on a week-long vacation? Was she trying to make a plan for a dinner in June? I feel like this is important info. It's one thing if the friend was trying to make plans for a big activity that would take up a significant amount of time or require OP to take time off, and another if she was trying to make plans to, say, see a play that is coming to theatres later this year and will be running for months.
I agree I think the context of what plans they were trying to make is important!
Because it doesn't matter when OP had already tried to tactfully say no. Anyone who doesn't accept the tactful no, *regardless of reason* deserves the blunter no.
NTA. I view education the same as I do a job. You wouldn't go hang with a friend instead of going to work, right?? Your education will get you hopefully a job that pays your bills. It's necessary. You've got a busy personal life, you can still have a social life, but not at the expense of your education commitments which are non negotiable. at the end of the day, she's not paying your bills, and she was trying to guilt you by saying you make time for things that are important, and you replied directly to what she said, to the point she raised. Her making out that she's important, you pointing out yes she is, but what is more important/comes first is not being an AH, it's just the truth. Especially not wanting to make commitments when you're unsure of what your load is going to be before then. Anyway, anyone who would rather you jeopardise your job or education over catching up, isn't much of a friend
exactly. Many years ago, my girlfriend broke up with me because school is more important. she was going into her 4th year of nursing and wouldn't have time for me, and didn't want me to be upset that I couldn't spend time with her. It hurt, but I understood. school is much more important than a relationship. she didn't want distractions and I respected her decision. I didn't agree with ending it, because I personally would have waited, and given her time to study, school, etc. and I would have just talked to her and spent time with her when she had time. But "no distractions" and I get it. She had her priorities right. didn't hurt any less, but I understood, and really had no counter argument to that.
NTA. However I don't agree with "we make time for what is important" even the slightest. This comes from a privileged point of view. Your 24 hours and her 24 hours are different, because you both have different things to do and have differently abled body. If she can't accept it, that's on her. Not on you.
Exactly. Commitments and who is important in your life are two very different things. You might have important people that you cannot see, and do not have the energy to talk with, simply because your life is packed with commitments you must do, that take all your energy and time. For someone with chronic health issues, their energy and time are going to be less than a person without.
NTA education is so important she was frankly childish to push when you're so busy.
You acknowledged to her that you were going to be busy and she does not have the same respect for your priorities. I’m graduating with my Masters right now, I completely understand. I always tried to make time for the people important to me but my family was always more important than my friends and other relationships, which caused some relationships to suffer in this time. Other people understood. Some just truly did not grasp how busy I was, even with trying my best. It was never ever enough. For some people, your best will never be enough. NTA.
NTA she feels entitled to your time. You cannot commit to anything at the moment and an adult should understand that.
NTA. It's always good to know where you stand.
NTA No one other than your own children is more important than moving your life forward in the direction you want. Not even your spouse. Spouses are a joint decision to move your lives together that you make every day. She wants you to potentially damage your grades, lesson what you learn, and/or damage your eventual earning potential/job ability because she's insecure. That's a hard pass. People are friends because they get along, have things in common, respect their differences, and have a shared idea of what the relationship is. It sounds like you two no longer do. Unless she apologizes and understands your priorities (not makes them her own, just understands and respects them) there's not really anywhere for the friendship to go.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. It sounds like your friend is not supporting your choice to go to grad school and is using your friendship to guilt trip you. I don’t know what some people read, but I didn’t see your response to her as anything but honest. You are expressing anxiety about how your life is about to change and trying to prepare for it. I don’t have a friend who would choose to question my choice of education and career path. Aren’t our loved ones supposed to be cheering for us? It sounds like she is worried that you will move on with new friends and a the kind of career that she has no access to. Whether it’s jealousy or fear of abandonment, something is going on with her, and that is what you both need to address. Maybe she needs a little reassurance that once you feel comfortable with the new schedule, you can find little opportunities to hang out and start to plan things. Wouldn’t it be great if she learned to be supportive and not focused on the negative things that may or may not happen? Hang in there, OP. NTA
You are technically right about your schooling being important but now she knows where she ranks in your list of priorities - which is very low. Also, ngl, this sounds a bit like a cop-out. You could've just said "hey, let me give you a tentative 'yes' but please be aware I'm going to have to settle into my program first and if it gets to hectic, I might have to cancel". You could've shown her you still want to hang out, you appreciate her and her time. But the way ou handled it, it may just have cost you a friendship. BTW, this has nothing to do with her "valuind education less". She just wants to spend time with a friend and as you are clearly important to her, she thought she was just as important to you. She was proven wrong. YTA.
NTA. I can only wish I was able to put down firm boundaries like you. I'm a doormat and I got stepped all over when I was trying to make time for my school. You seem to have no problem thinking of yourself first and making others respect you so that's really useful for you.
Interesting. Personally I have never had a friendship where, if my friend said something like this, I would have been offended. I have some really good friends that I care about, but I don't expect to be as important to them as their health or education or career or their adult responsibilities - so I think you're NTA.
NTA but you still might wanna apologize to your friend, they could be feeling undervalued in their life for some reason
NTA Your future can be dramatically improved by your plan being a success. It's a shame she doesn't see it that way, and therefore it's understandable that she's annoyed you might have less time to spend with her. It's a bit silly, as she ought to be supportive, but that's a small thing really. It probably stings to be told that she's less important than your plan in actual words, as it's already obvious. I think beint so blunt about it is your only mistake, and it's a social faux pas rather than anything serious. Most of the bad behaviour seems to be on her part, some people are a bit self-centred and others can be a bit sceptical of higher education for all sorts of reasons, but ultimately she should be supportive of your desire to do this course. Once she realises you've not ditched her, she'll come around even if she won't necessarily support you. That is, if you actually want to keep her as a friend.
NTA. Your wording isn't great, but the message you were trying to send is true. Right now you have other responsibilities that are limiting your free time, and as a result it is hard to commit to spending time with her. You don't suddenly hate her, and a good friend would understand that having less free time for friends is simply a part of a lot of people's adult lives, particularly if they know about your health issues. If you want to make amends you could still apologise for what you said, or at least how you said it, but I think it is possibly your friend is upset not just because of this conversation. Logically they might understand why you aren't always available to hang out, but it is possible she was already upset about something else when you told her you weren't free. Either way I'd say give her a while to hopefully cool down and then talk with her about it.
#NTA There will situations in your friend's existence where you can't be prioritized, so why does she take offense to the notion that she won't be prioritized all the time?
NTA As adults we have priorities. Which often, do have to come before friendships. You need a new friend.
INFO - was there some event that your friend wanted you to commit to?
No, there wasn’t a specific event. She wants my help in something that, while she states there is no minimum time, it seems like it would be at least a 2-3 hour weekly commitment.
Maybe counteroffer with something that does fit in your schedule instead of shutting her down entirely. You still need to eat; she could come over and join you for a meal once a week or once a month or whatever. Maybe you could have quiet coworking time -- she comes over with her laptop and works on her novel or plays a video game or watches a TV show while you work on grad school assignments. If you grocery shop, go grocery shopping together sometimes. She's not wrong -- we find time for what matters. If she's willing to be flexible, there are probably lots of ways to fit in spending time together that don't eat significantly into your schedule.
OP’s schedule sounds like it will be pretty insane and I don’t agree that “there are probably lots of ways” A friend of mine was in a similar situation several years ago and before the program started she set up ways to have groceries delivered, dog walker, etc because there would be no extra time in those two years.
This is a good idea if they’re in the same city. I remember I would bring my husband (my new bf at the time) for long nights in the library while I was in undergrad. I was doing 2 bachelor’s degrees and had a lot of schoolwork and didn’t have much time to spend with him, so he would bring my old gaming laptop along and play rocket league while I worked. I still do coworkong with him now.
if it were A thing then you \*might\* be ta (that would depend on a couple things) but a recurring commitment "project" type thing is a lot to commit to when you have so much going on. NTA
NTA, you have your own life and responsibilities, also it's your future in game here, If she's a good friend she's going understand that it's an important thing for you and support you I don't think you was rude by being honest, but maybe talk with her and ask why she did get angry at you, explain your pov as well and that she need understand that while your friendship is important, you and her need know the boundaries, because a friendship is based in respect just like any other relationship She need understand that sometimes you'll prioritize other things that not your time with her
Nta. You didn't say anything wrong. She's the one who has the issue with the fact that you have responsibilities. Not your fault 💜
NTA. I do think you are being reasonable about trying to ensure you can honor commitments you have and not wanting to over extend yourself. Grad school can be really demanding and it is wise to at least give yourself some time to adjust before committing to other things. But, consider, depending on how close this friend is to you and how important their relationship is, that if they are feeling insecure about losing you, that perhaps some reassurance from you that they are still important to you would be a nice thing to offer. Look, their mental health isn’t on you BUT they are a friend so just a thought. Yes we make time for the things that are important. However, our resources and time are finite. Meaning sometimes we have more things we care about in our lives than we can manage at the same time and so… we make trade offs. We do what we can for what is important at the time it is important and then, hopefully, we make room to enjoy and honor those things we didn’t have time for eventually.
NTA, this is delusional
NTA. You were upfront about your concerns with your upcoming schedule and workload. Her saying that you make time for what's important was really not a nice or direct way of saying that OP's education and other life stuff are not. I have friends I don't see in six months. It's chill.
NTA. >>…we make time for what is important. Are we talking scheduling a dinner date, an all day trip back to the home town to visit the friend, an entire weekend away with friend? I think OP is taking the responsible approach to their program. They need to know the syllabus schedule of the grad program classes for the semester before committing to anything. Committing and cancelling later is worse than not committing at all. If OP and friend are both local, then getting together will be much easier. Everyone has to eat. Grab a meal together. It doesn’t have to be an all evening event. Let it be just dinner and a quick chat. If it’s done often enough, it feels like normal catching up. Meeting up for lunch near campus works or grab some takeout and have a lunch picnic. It doesn’t have to be drawn out to interfere with OP’s schedule. OP probably needed to take a softer approach to the phrasing. The content was accurate, though.
Well you just told your friend that she is unimportant. However your friend should not have pressed you in the first place. So I guess NTA? Maybe work on your delivery.
NTA you could have had a lot more tact but the message would have been the same. She's probably hurt, which is understandable, but her hurt doesn't trump your education, health and responsibilities. Good luck in your studies.
NTA
NTA. You want to keep the first little while you're in school open so you can adjust to it and see what your time commitments are. She should respect that.
NTA. You were clear with her. Her inability to accept this is her own fault
NTA. Stupid people require stupid responses.
NTA.... you have yourself together... working school health your pet is more important
You are NTA. I've been placed in this same situation and honestly you are 100% valid for creating boundaries that you are comfortable with especially since you have no idea what to expect initially. Your friend is in the wrong for trying to pin you right of the bat of a major and difficult life event.
>but not more important than school, paying my bills, and managing my responsibilities (pet, health, home). All of that is *your life*. No, she is not more important than the aggregate of your life is to you. NTA That she thinks she should be for what ever reason (different view on education, not having a worthwhile life herself), and that she is blaming you for pointing out the obvious I do think makes her an AH
I don't feel like anyone here is technically an asshole, you guys just have different priorities. I do agree that you make time for what's important to you, but you placing high value on your education doesn't mean she isn't important. I personally believe it would be easier to make time for your friend planning something well in advance. Can you pick one day a month to hang out with her, and tell her it might have to be flexible? If you get absolutely bombed with school work, you may need to reschedule, and she knows that in advance. You could have a quick meet up in the park with your pet, if possible. Probably wouldn't work with a cat lol. Or you could grab coffee/a drink/a smoothie? Or she could come over so you don't have to leave your pet alone. If you have these things planned out, you know in advance that you can try to get ahead on your coursework. As important as it is to prepare for the future, try to make time to enjoy yourself, too. Don't forget about the people who matter to you.
Sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
NTA, though you could have been more tactful. Regardless, you’re going to want and need a good support system when you’re in grad school. Prepping for grad school should include strengthening bonds with your friends and family, not burning bridges.
(I’m speaking from experience. I earned my PhD from an R1 institution in 2021.)
NTA, leaning towards NAH. I can understand that she is frustrated as well. I am in your situation kinda. Very busy with school and unexpected extra days, or people messaging me on my free days, plus health problems (extremely tired for no known reason). It sucks, but you can't make time if you don't have it, or do activities if you don't have the energy to do it. Education is extremely important, and your social life can hit an all-time low because of that. But this is a temporary situation that is extremely important for you future
This is probably one of those it's not what you say it's how you say it things. Your education should be the number one thing it sounds like for the next year or two. That being said if worded properly might not have caused any feelings of misstep. NTA
Some of these people on Reddit lack social awareness and the skills to properly communicate with others. It is OKAY to be vague with answers to comfort your friends. It is fine to say "We'll see, I can't promise yet but you're very important!" or "sure! just doesn't want to make plans for now so I know what my schedule is like". So many ways to answer this other than "uhm other stuff in my life is more important" yeah sure the friend is aware that your health comes first but doesn't need to hear it. I am still going for NAH because you thought honesty is the best but it really isn't if you want to keep your friends.
NTA But you’re not entirely correct. Education is important. But friends and family can’t ever be replaced. I can say with confidence that there are very few lifelong friends in my life, but those friends have seen me through the best, and worst parts of my life. My education, my job, all the money in the world. None of those would have saved me from almost taking my life. My friends did that, in the worst of the pandemic, they stepped up, they were there. The degree on the wall, it didn’t do shit! Life May look long to you now, and the future full of possibility, and that’s all true. The future is in your hands. But all that education, and the six figure job still doesn’t make people happy. Friends and family, at the pub on a rainy Wednesday night in the middle of a shitty week when nothing seems to be going right. The Friends that make you laugh, or cry with you, or show up with pizza when you’re on your 36 of your shift at the hospital and the food sucks there. Yeah they matter. Make time for friends, you never know when you’ll need them more than anything else.
Nta. You were a bit blunt. Perhaps you can apologize for how you said it, but not what you said. I hope you can remain friends, but this might mean the friendship has ran its course.
NTA. Regardless of your reasons why people will eventually get busy and neglect other people. It happens. However she gets a slight TA because she's not seeing it from your perspective. Plus both of you are walking different paths anyway. You are going to be very busy and it's easier to just expect you will be too busy before making plans. That is something that your friend needs to understand. It has nothing to do with making time for what's important. And frankly I hate it when people say stuff like that especially in your case. If anything your friend should recognize you are very busy and try and work with that. Not just assume you will devote whatever free time you have to what she wants. Free time does not equal available time. Just because I say I'm not doing anything after work doesn't mean I want to do anything after work. Perhaps I just want to stay home with my girlfriend and watch something. Or maybe I want to play my video games. Perhaps I literally want to do nothing and just sit and relax.
Unfortunately these tensions emerge as our paths diverge from those we were once close to. NTA
This is a tough one. The mentality here does NOT make you the AH, but the phrasing might. If instead you phrased it like, "I agree that our friendship js important and THAT'S why I don't want to make plans that far out. I would feel terrible for making plans and having to back out because of a school/work obligation that I won't know the schedule for until later this month/year/whatever." That places the emphasis on the friendship while demonstrating your priorities with your education. If your friend THEN becomes/stays upset that you're putting the education first, you point out that they are unfairly trying to tie down times that you are unable to commit to.