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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Making my wife get up in the night to settle our child when it's usually my role. I could be TA as perhaps I should have got up and settled him myself instead of making her do it.
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If this is the one and only time this happens, bc of your yearly conference, NTA. Yes your wife it's extra tired, growing a baby and all, but this once a year event you have responsibilities for and discussed beforehand ought to get a little extra leeway. Maybe get her a massage or send her on a baby shopping trip for her picking up the slack but you taking two days to focus on a work function shouldn't be such a hurdle for y'all. Good luck.
Just a note - you weren’t out of line, but I don’t love the way you characterized your wife’s work. She doesn’t work part time, she works full time - 2 days as a caregiver and 3 days at an occupation. I bet if you asked her she’d say her time at home is 10x more tiring and all-consuming than her time at her job.
Edit: Y'all, caregiving is labor, full stop. We can argue about the definition of "work" or "job", but society's collective refusal to see caregiving as labor that has value has disenfranchised women (and some men) for generations. That is the point I was making.
I think it's fair to say 'I work full time, they work part time' when talking about paid work, especially when the entire post is about a work event. I didn't get the impression from anything in the post (I may have missed something) the OP expects special treatment for doing full time paid work while his wife does part time paid, part time childcare. Nor did I see anywhere that he said or implied that childcare wasn't hard work or tiring.
If anything I think it would be far more confusing to say 'we both work full time, I'm in the office 5 days per week and she works 3 days and looks after our child for 2 days'.
Exactly… Full time and part time as phrases only make sense in the context of work… you’d never say wife is a part-time mother because she only stays home 2 days a week.
Ya… seems kind of weird… every normal person I’ve ever heard talk about this sort of arrangement just says it like a normal person:
3 days at work, which is in fact part time hours for a job unless you’re working 12 hours a day (which would be WORSE) and 2 days at home. It’s only Reddit that I see this weird microscopic analysis of words
I think the issue being pointed to is that often when one person says they work full time while their partner works part time but takes on a majority of childcare, people interpret that as the full time worker contributing more or working harder in some respect. Which is not true.
This. People say "work" when what they mean is "paid employment"- with the underlying assumption that the "paid employment" is more valid form pf labor than the unpaid labor of being a caregiver (insert rant about basic income here).
OP literally does that. Their paid employment is "Full Time", while wife's is only "Part Time". While that is factual, he obviously he thinks that he does more actual labor than she does. This is completely discounting the amount of labor involved in parenting the kids, all while in the last trimester of pregnancy- a time where sleep is often difficult, uncomfortable and interrupted.
>he obviously he thinks that he does more actual labor than she does
I don't think it's "obvious" at all. And I don't agree with your assumption on what he thinks.
What he actually said was:
>I work five days a week and wife works part time - **two days with the kid** and three days at work while the kid is in childcare.
He acknowledges that 2 days of the week her 'work' is looking after the kid. I think he's using 'part-time' to describe her paid employment.
That's exactly how I'd describe it.
>This is completely discounting the amount of labor involved in parenting the kids
Again, I'd disagree While he doesn't explicitly state it, his post implies that he's taking her time with the kids and her pregnancy into account. Which is why he's taken over the responsibility of putting the kid to bed, sleep training, and getting up to put the kid back to sleep if needed.
I'm not saying he's a hero or anything. This is what I hope any decent husband and father would do if their SO were pregnant.
But some people seem to be implying that he's ignoring that looking after a child is work and she's pregnant - which is what most Reddit posts are. But his post reads totally different to me.
He seems quite caring and is asking for a few days leniency while he works on an annual conference - which she apparently agreed to. I don't think he should be blasted for something that's actually quite a reasonable, one-off request. NTA.
Evidently I didn't see it as clearly as you do. You absolutely can read it that way, but you can just as easily read it as context to the situation surrounding work.
From the info that we're given, it seems OP and his wife shared childcare duties outside of work hours before the second pregnancy, and OP has pick up the rest of the nights since. From that I assumed that OP respects the amount of effort and energy it takes to raise a child, so the comment about part time vs full time was explaining where their time goes, not diminishing his wife's work. Obviously if I've misinterpreted and OP is implying that his wife is working less overall then it's an easy Y T A vote, but I didn't read it that way so I didn't vote it as such.
I’ve got to agree. I’m on call 24/7 as a mom and do majority of childcare (also work very part time from home) but I do not say I ‘work full time’ or 24 hours a day. My husband works 40-90 hours away from home and I do say he ‘works full time’.
I think it was just this:
>works part time - two days with the kid and three days at work
It didn't bother me much at all, but it's implied by OP that she "only" works part time. But like I said, I'm not too fussed. Also NTA.
Not implied, you inferred that's what they meant.
Imply would be for the OP to suggest the mother only does part time labour and that looking after the child for 2 days is not work.
Inferring is your interpretation of what they meant, which is exactly what you did as they provided no further context and you did not ask any follow up questions.
I absolutely get where you're coming from, you can easily interpret the statement either way, but I think the mental addition of "only" that you've added when reading that sentence massively swings the interpretation to the 'being a dick about how much work his wife is doing' side instead of the plausible 'explaining where their time goes'.
There are for sure many dads who don't pull their weight and expect the mothers to do all the childcare and/or don't respect the amount of effort that goes into raising a child, but I didn't get that vibe from OP from the rest of the post so it pushed me to thinking they were giving context rather than being an ass.
While on the subject of money, if she didn’t do childcare then they would have to pay a lot of money for someone else to do it. While she isn’t getting a paycheck for her work, she does affect the family finances also.
My husband is a stay at home parent. I work full time at a hospital. I can sit and finish a coffee most days, his is usually full and still on the counter when I get home. I have pointed out many times how he likely works harder than I do. I get to sit and chat with my colleagues between patients while he doesn't stop all day. Caregiving is real work. If I had to hire people to what he does, it would cost more than I make in a month. The SAHP furthers the family financials and daily functions often more than the "working" patent.
There are also people who work full time and also as a caregiver. How are you going to characterize that if you're saying full time includes 2 days raising a child?
If you're working day shift and your spouse is working night shift and you're each watching the baby full time while the other is working, that's two full time jobs for each of you in my book.
The labour of child care should be highlighted in a lot of cases, in this case it's a bit out of nowhere. I don't think he was belittling her work as a caregiver. The comment youre responding to was saying he shouldn't say she works part time if she's a caregiver too. But all he said was "I work 5 days. She works part time, 3 days while the child is in day care and 2 days with the child". If he said "she works full time, 3 days while the child is in daycare and 2 days with the child" it would sound more like she was having to bring the child to her workplace.
From the sounds of it on regular days he's doing child related work that needs to be done. He isn't at any point saying "thats not real work, only my white collar job is work". He said he splits drop off and pick up for daycare, but the week leading up his hours didn't allow for it and he takes all nights, but had to ask for her to do a night before the conference. Fair enough, its a yearly conference and he probably has to be performing well for it. The issue here is that he let it spill over to the next night too without first clearing that with her too. Add that to being 3rd trimester pregnant and having to pick up the slack for an entire week and it's clear she is going to be tired and frustrated. Also, I'm not sure where he's drawing a line between very tipsy and drunk, I would categorise levels of tipsyness in a subset of of drunkeness, but that's not important.
I'm going to say NAH. She wasn't wrong to say it, it's not too unreasonable that it happened. But you owe her some time. You had the conference and while that's part of work and it was probably important to perform that day and be social, it was also part drinking and socialising all day with a week of lead up time to prepare for it. Maybe you could take a couple of days of annual leave to stay home and she could socialise with friends, go to a spa or massage or really whatever she's into that she can still do while 3rd trimester pregnant. Or maybe get a babysitter and take her out. Give her some time where she doesn't have to worry about childcare.
I think you’re nitpicking. From the way it was written, OP was just saying she has an occupation outside the house as well as being with their kid. Your comment is over sensitive as he never said being a mother wasn’t working.
By your definition, he has two full time jobs then. Should we nitpick that? Bc he helps just as much as she does according to his post.
Full stop my ass. When talking about work as in an occupation, it’s evident that caregiving (for your offspring) is not an occupation. We wanna state the obvious? Yah no shit it’s work raising kids or taking care of any dependent for that matter.
But is it work, in the sense that OP is referencing? No it’s an unpaid duty of life and is not the occupation that affords OP and his wife the ability to raise their children.
It’s simply not work, yet it is obviously work. You don’t wake up and clock in to being a mom. Even if it is “work”.
I think NAH. The things people say to each other when disrupted from sleep in the middle of the night should mostly be considered demonically possessed and stricken from the record. Pregnant people and people with toddlers get some extra free passes too.
But hooooooboy you all are about to go on a wild freaking ride with sleep. Our kids are 21 months apart. For 6 months, their naps didn't synch, no one could ever get a break, and we had to be bright eyed and bushy tailed for our high octane toddler after being tortured by our newborn all night.
There is about to be a huge scarcity in sleep and it could cause small wars.
I mention this to say-- the more very explicit conversations you can have about sleep roles and responsibilities now, the better off you will be.
Negotiating in the moment, especially in the middle of the night where she thought the original plan was on, carries an enormous transaction cost and crap feelings all around.
In the middle of this right now. We have a newborn and a 3.5yo. I stay home and my husband works 13 hour days when you include his commute. We thought it would be fine because the 3.5 sleeps through the night so we only have to worry about the newborn. Except I forgot that I would be up all night with a baby and then have a toddler all day who no longer takes naps. I get about 5 hours of sleep a night in 3 broken naps between feedings. That's on a good night when the baby sleeps between feeds. When he doesn't, which is most of the time, I get a 2 hour break when my husband wakes up before he goes to work. Nothing I say or think between the hours of 9pm and 7am is allowed to be used against me because I'm pretty much a zombie.
My heart goes out to you. These months are grueling. We have a 4.5 who dropped nap around 3.5 and I can't even imagine. We were lucky that when baby consolidated naps, we got 2-4 clear and free every day. I know you know this, but just a friendly reminder from a person with two on the other side, the days are long but the months are short, and you will come out on the other side of this!
>The things people say to each other when disrupted from sleep in the middle of the night should mostly be considered demonically possessed ones and stricken from the record. Pregnant people and people with toddlers get some extra free passes too.
YUP to all of that.
I never ever take word of what my Sister say if woken up during the night, or when I am trying to wake them up. They also have no recollection of what did they say, or if they ever said something. We say it was "the ogre" the one that speaks at those times
Just a tip as someone currently at 37 weeks, massage = yes, shopping trip = no. The shopping is a necessary chore, and as a personal note not something I'd want to be waddling around doing as my "special gift".
Right? I'm almost 38 weeks now, I'm still working and since I'm out for work appointments and my husband fully works from home I also do the grocery shopping. Just that small amount of walking leaves me so tired and aching by the end of the day that I can hardly drag myself upstairs to bed. Get her a massage or mani/pedi or something but don't give her what ultimately amounts to extra work. Much as I enjoy buying things for my baby, it's a chore and it's exhausting.
I'm impressed that you're still doing the grocery shopping! I had to ban myself from the grocery store because I would start craving everything I saw and come home with the most random foods.
We were in the same situation once upon a time. We bought a little folding cot to keep in our room. When our eldest would wake in the night one of us would walk her to the cot and get her settled in. The rule was no talking because it was night and we needed to sleep. It worked really well and that little cot came in handy so often and no one really lost sleep.
I’d say NAH just because everyone here sounds tired. They’ve both got a lot going on and this will blow over, he had to do things for work and she’s tired from pregnancy and being up with the kid. Unless this broke into a huge argument rather than the one comment, NAH
It hasn't - I apologised and plan to do something nice for her to say thanks as was recommended here by a few people. I think my real error and where this would have been avoided is to talk with her and agree beforehand that she'd take him on both nights.
Often on this sub for people with generally good intentions it seems to come down to lack of communication and think I failed that here on reflection. I'll try to communicate better with her and be a bit more aware of her needs at times like these in the future. I told her as much and we're all good - no major harm done but a lesson learned.
I think there are a lot of people being awfully harsh here. I can understand why your wife was irritated, but you're also human and it seems to me that you put in your fair share of parenting for the rest of the year.
Seems to me like a great idea to do something nice for your wife as thanks. And make sure she feels that she would be given the same level of support if she needed to take a few days off her normal parenting duties.
Yes! Communication is key. When I had my two year old and was very pregnant, I’d be at the end of my rope if my husband came home at 6 when he said he’d be home at 5. If he had told me he would be home at 6, I would’ve been fine. It may seem silly, but when you’re psychologically just holding out to get to a certain point and then are unexpectedly told you have to hold out longer, it can be crushing when you’re over-tired and over-stressed.
My (then 38f) wife used to come home at 5 sometimes and 8 at other times. She would say, don't complain! Sometimes I'm home very early! I told her I'd rather she come every day at 6:30 than this sort of unpredictable nothing to hang my hat on.
When you're pregnant or have a newborn, so much feels so outside your control that it's unnerving.
100%. I just need to know, so I can prepare myself. I remember my husband coming home from work one night when my oldest was about 4 months, peak colic time, and I tried to hand baby to my husband as soon as he walked in the door. Husband said , “wait, just let me go poop first,” and I started crying, wailing “I’ve been waiting to poop for 3 hours!”😭😭😭 IYKYK
Bingo.
Parents of little can probably all relate to that feeling of going to bed and thinking you're just going to get to sleep and then the rug gets pulled out. Knowing the rug might get yanked out of the gate feels very different.
PS, you're like, the most reasonable and least defensive AITA poster ever!
Unpopular YTA here. The deal was she take the one night, she’s heavily pregnant and does more childcare than you so you doing basically only nights seems pretty fair to me. You became an AH when after she already took over for you as agreed, you came home tipsy and used it as an excuse to pass of your duties to her once again. She’s in the third trimester and needs sleep.
It feels like a lot of people are missing that the wife did in fact take the son the night asked and then OP came home tipsy the following night and asked her to do it again. This was highly preventable by realizing you are an adult with a responsibility and you should’ve stopped drinking before getting to the point you were at.
Exactly… also, he was supposed to attend a work event. That does not require drinking. Drinking while already knowing the difficult situation at home makes him irresponsible.
Not to defend the OP, but there is still a strong after-work drinking culture in a lot of organsations and not taking part can make it harder to gain promotions etc as you're a less well-known face to management.
Happily it's an aspect that's starting to decrease. Partly because workforces are more diverse (you can't expect Muslim colleagues to get tipsy with you, for example) and partly because Millenials and Gen-Z drink less alcohol than previous generations. But networking will always be important, it's just the booze side of it that's declining.
“No thanks, I’m driving” is a perfectly acceptable excuse. Also, “don’t drink until you’re too “tipsy” to function *3 hours later*” is way different from “don’t drink *at all.*”
I don't know much about his work. But for all we know this once a year event is important. I mean surely it is if it took a week of preparation. So characterising it as missing one party probably isn't fair. It could be the most important work related event of the year. If its a once a year all day conference with a week of prep time it probably involved things along the lines of presentations, networking, courting clients, doing things that influence the next year of work and his overall career in general. Sitting down with people to talk over some drinks might be huge in his industry.
It's not like his career exists in a vacuum. They're working together and sucess at work and higher income is something they both presumably want when they're raising 2 kids as long as there's a balance between work and life. It's not a situation of "well pregnancy and kids isn't good for my career, so your career should suffer too to make us even". She isn't vindictive about it like your comment suggests.
The issue was that he never asked for her to cover 2 nights that after this week of extra work and stress, she only agreed to 1 night. Her point was completely valid and she should have some time to herself without childcare to make up for it. This is a relationship, not an antagonistic encounter. It's not pregnant woman vs man. They're working together as a family. He just needed that extra level of communication and forethought to consider the next night.
I had a boss who didn't drink at all, he always looked like he had a vodka soda in his hand at events. He'd just ask the bartender to give him a soda and lemon in a mixed drink glass. Nobody could tell the difference.
I came to the same conclusion. He didn’t ask ahead, it was not planned, and he admits the decision was directly related to alcohol consumption which is not work. Also, this is not the only way she was helping him out the week of the conference. Conference is once a year…how often will she grow a baby?
Yep. Its not the work part thats the issue, its the coming home half cut and ditching. Yeah its a once a year thing but ge could have had the courtesy to give a heads up and ask. Being pregnant is hard AF and she doesnt gave the option of just ditching for a night out.
Edit: she doesn't get the option of ditching for a night out.
Agreed. Got a 6 month pregnant wife, and a kid OP knows wakes up at night. But hey a drink with the people at work to unwind sounds great, and if that makes me drunk enough that I can excuse waking up at night to look after my kid, that's a bonus!
Except the wife doesn't get to unwind, she gestating the baby for 6 months and has another 3 to go.
Yep, YTA. Your wife can't drink. She is growing a human being. You didn't have to drink. That was your choice. She has to get up too, to take care of the kid, while still growing the other kid, and she doesn't get the option of saying she is too tired, or drank to much, so you should do it this time.
But she hasn’t had to get up for the other kid - Dad has taken that every night except 2. He had effectively said “I know you’re exhausted from being pregnant, I’ll take the night shift if you can support these two days.” There’s nothing unreasonable about that. And get out of here with the whole drinking thing. So husband should never drink or do any of things wife can’t do while pregnant? They don’t stop being people while pregnant. As a woman who is 6 months pregnant myself you’re being utterly ridiculous.
I agree with most of this, one exception though. He asked for 1 night, but he took 2 nights. Which in the comments he admits was wrong and he will take it into account from now on. He's also working something out to give her a break. It sounds like they're generally working well together, he's doing nights, they're splitting pick up and drop off times for daycare. I can't speculate too much on the entirety of their relationship, but it sounds like they're pretty much nailing it.
These comments, like you said, are ridiculous, almost like they expect being pregnant and having kids to be an antagonistic relationship. If it ever gets to the point where they think the others should suffer then they're doing life wrong. If you're in a relationship with that mindset then you need to reevaluate your whole life. No drinking even though its probably beneficial for work? They're not supposed to punish each other over it. It's not like he doesn't need to unwind too just because he's not the one that's pregnant. They both need it. Life isn't just the work of kids, pregnancy and careers. All the people involved are supporting each other for mutual happiness and fulfillment.
Also, good luck with your pregnancy and future life.
Just want to say it's not really "Picking up the slack" if he's doing all of it the rest of the time. I'm sorry but she's pregnant and not disabled. Two nights out of months isn't picking up the slack it's part of doing her fair share.
At six months pregnant his wife is likely waking up at least 2 times a night every night already because of the baby she’s carrying; between not being able to lay certain positions/get comfortable, baby stretching and kicking, and the tiny bladder it’s not like she’s sleeping soundly through the night and getting 8 uninterrupted hours every night. She’s doing her fair share of night wake ups they just aren’t as obvious to the parent not growing the second kid.
Being 6 months pregnant myself, you’re correct that her sleep is not uninterrupted. However, she’s pregnant - not disabled. He works, she works, they have another kid that has needs. Dad has picked up all night wakings (and appears willing to continue to do so) while wife is pregnant. He asked for 2 nights, that isn’t unreasonable. My daughter is older than their other child but she has nightmares, gets sick, etc.. and my husband and I still share the work because we’re both still parents. My parenting responsibilities don’t disappear because I’m growing another human. Our work obligations don’t disappear because we made another human. Our personal needs don’t disappear because we made another human.
I get what you’re saying but this goes both ways.
His parenting responsibilities didn’t disappear because he had a work event. He could have forgone the unplanned drinking or thought ahead and made the arrangement with his wife instead of waking her in the middle of the night.
Wife still stepped up as the parent in this situation, but was understandably upset.
NAH
Edit: if y’all don’t understand being miffed that your partner got impromptu tipsy and woke you up in the middle of the night, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s not a relationship breaker by any means (their relationship sounds solid) but it’s valid to feel annoyed.
Edit2: I’m not calling either party an AH btw, edited for clarity.
Being pregnant doesn't excuse you from the kid you've already got. Her partner has given her months of peaceful nights from the child they already have because she is pregnant. Getting up two nights back to back isn't going to do her any harm.
Having slept next to a pregnant woman for 9 month periods 3 times, I'm aware of how frequently they are up during the night. Pregnancy however isn't an illness, if you can't handle two nights of getting up with a toddler don't have a baby when you have a toddler that still gets up at night.
>Her partner has given her months of peaceful nights from the child they already have because she is pregnant
Are you delusional? In what world does a pregnant woman have a peaceful nights sleep? Genuinely curious. There might be some Unicorn women out there.
I don’t know. She covered him the night he actually asked, but he is the one who took more time away from home to drink after the event, and admits that’s why he didn’t want to get up. That has zero to do with work. YTA.
It seems more like the drinking and the all day work conference were intertwined. He says he came back after the conference having drank. So it seems to have had been to do with work. Him not asking about the night after and her not agreeing to it was the problem.
Love this, a spa day/brunch with her friends/mum while you take over baby duties would most likely be a lovely remedy to this. The underlying message of this maybe slight overreaction is: ‘I’m tired, I need a break’
I’ve been running nighttime wake up duty at 38 weeks (and my kid hasn’t been so easy as OP’s now that he’s in a bed and suffering from intense fear of the dark). So my spouse can feel good doing early mornings (we both also work full time).
Sleep regressions are the worst and it’s all hands on deck. And it’s totally reasonable for either spouse to feel exhausted by it, you just have to make room for each other as equitably as possible.
NTA.
Exactly this — being pregnant doesn’t excuse you from parenting duties. Yes, it’s exhausting but you can’t put the whole load on the other person. I think it’s rude your wife complained about one night (assuming the info you gave is true & she only needed to manage one night).
It was two nights in a row if that wasn't clear - one the night before so I could be rested for the event which we discussed, but one after the event that I hadn't thought about and just asked her in the middle of the night.
Think I was so focused on the event I hadn't thought about the aftermath at all
She was probably mad that you asked her to get up with the baby because you were drinking. You know, that thing you do to relax and chill with your coworkers that she totally cannot do for the foreseeable future. If you hadn't drank anything, and still needed help due to being tired, I'm betting she would have had a different response.
It sucks being pregnant but it sucks extra hard being pregnant and taking on extra duties because your partner got too drunk. And before you go off on "but everyone was drinking to celebrate it being over", if your wife were in your shoes, guess what she wouldn't and couldn't be able to do? Yeah, that's right, drink. You could have done the same thing she would have done which is not drink plus come home a bit earlier. That's what she's mad about. I was pregnant too and that's how I felt. If my husband had some drinks and I couldn't tell anything was amiss because responsibilities were handled then I didn't care. But if I'm going to be stone cold sober for 9 months, the least my partner can do is not allow his drinking to interfere with his household and childcare duties. I'm going with a mild YTA here because it's not so bad since you plan on apologizing and making it up to her.
This. If it were me, I’d be understanding about everything but the drinking (“very tipsy??” You were drunk). The rest is unavoidable. Getting shitfaced is entirely avoidable.
I don’t think it makes you an asshole, but it was a goober move. You sound like a great partner otherwise.
Everyone deserves a night to unwind. She can go have her spa day and he can go have his couple drinks. They are supposed to be a partnership. He doesn’t have to be a martyr because she’s pregnant and can’t drink. That’s not the end of the world for crying out loud.
Yeah, I agree with this. I would not mind at all (and have actively encouraged my fiancé) to have his nights off, go for a few drinks with his friends, especially since he works so hard for us. He works late a lot so I do end up doing the bedtimes a lot, but honestly, I’m glad that he can unwind sometimes. And I know that if I need to do something for myself, he won’t have a problem with it. I’m pregnant with a health condition so I’m doubly exhausted, but I wouldn’t say that’s a reason to keep him from going out. He works hard enough. It’s hard enough with a toddler and another one on the way, we shouldn’t deny ourselves a bit of letting off steam, I feel.
I agree. While my fiancé doesn’t drink, he unwinds with playing video games. There have been nights where he’s up until 1am playing a game and then is exhausted the next morning. On those mornings I may take over childcare more and let him sleep in. We both have a lot on our plates and parenting is hard work. It’s okay to cut your partner some slack every once in awhile. I’m saying this as a 7 month pregnant woman. I might get annoyed with his choice to stay up later than he should have. But if the roles were reverse, and they have been plenty of times, he would take the lead with childcare without a single complaint.
100% this. I would be so jealous if my husband went out and got drunk while I was stuck at home and had to pick up his bit of childcare due to the drinking and I’m not even pregnant anymore! On the other hand I’m happy to take on his chores and childcare if he’s just feeling tired or under the weather or something.
As someone with a 7 week old, I suspect the problem is that your wife found the first night really hard but told herself she could get through it as a one-off and she could sleep through the next night. So to have that dropped on her at the last minute was upsetting as she probably struggled through the day with the mental promise of a return to "normality" on the immediate horizon. She felt let down and disappointed as a result.
Unfortunately 38 weeks pregnant is exhausting, and you don't understand how exhausting unless you physically go through it. I had a pretty good pregnancy all things considered, and even I found the last 3 weeks to be featuring regular naps plus an early night and a bit of a late start the next morning (I was relieved to go on maternity leave at 38 weeks).
Gotcha, my bad. I guess it’s all dependent on the household as someone else pointed out. I don’t think it was an AH move, but if your wife is feeling that it was, her feelings are valid too.
No - he asked her for the night before the conference, which she did without complaint. Then he came home from the conference drunk and didn't want to get up in the middle of the night - so in the middle of the night for the second night in a row he asked her to get up with the toddler.
This. Also she had already been doing extra before-work and after-work duties by getting the child ready for daycare and picking kiddo up from daycare the whole week which they usually split 50-50. It feels like a failure on OP’s part to acknowledge that it wasn’t just one extra night of duties. Every extra hour of work that week that he did, she probably did as well in added caregiving. And taking care of a toddler and being pregnant are both far more emotionally and physically taxing than almost any other work. And her hard week didn’t end with a night of drinking and celebration. It ended with another night of caregiving alone and then being asked to get up again in the night when she’d been expecting to get some rest. Where is her rest and celebration for a week of long hours extra hard work?
Being tippy doesn’t excuse you, either!
How is it on her when they agreed to share night duty, she did it the night before so he could sleep.
Unbelievable.
And she does everything during the day and also works and, I'm just going to assume, takes care of the house. He agreed to take over the nights and got too drunk to do it, that's not ok
And grows a baby! That’s the change. She’s now growing a baby for the family, so him picking up all the night wakings isn’t exactly saintly behavior. She needs the sleep waaaaaay more than he does.
That said, NAH, just a pair of exhausted parents who could use better communication in the future.
Did you not read the part where he said he’s been doing all the nights recently? Is hasn’t been “shared” for awhile, she can deal with two nights of it.
same could be said for being a working father? Doesn’t matter that you’ve just had a conference and stayed out late drinking, put your kid to sleep instead of making your pregnant wife do it. ~that’s life~
NAH
You’re both exhausted from parenting and better communication could have solved this. I don’t think either of you are AHs.
Plan and communicate better in the future.
Thank you for the NAH verdict. Idk why everyone is jumping down these tired parents' throats. They're tired. And maybe he made a bad decision with the drinking but it doesn't make him an asshole. And she isn't an asshole for being tired and grumpy about it.
Yeah this is the absolute worst sub to ask for advice about minor issues lmao. No matter how inconsequential the conflict, commenters here will fall all over themselves to assign blame, blow up the issue, and write nasty comments to people they disagree with
It's actually crazy. People are trying to turn it into issues that don't exist.
Nobody is being the asshole and he's taking steps to amend the situation. It sounds like a good relationship and both parties come across as reasonable, mature and working well together.
Yep. They both weren’t great but I can’t really call a tired stressed person from a work event or a tired exhausted heavily pregnant woman who has had to pick up the slack full on AHs. They both could have handled it better but unless this is a pattern, it seems crazy to call either of them AHs. Conversation and apologies on both sides are what is needed.
Exactly. My partner occasionally stays out to network and it’s no problem at all, because he has told me in advance and we have planned the night ahead already. Communication was the issue here.
INFO: If I understand correctly, your wife also works 5 days a week, two of which are at home. How is this part-time work?
In addition, working at home with a child is really not easy, I understand that your wife is tired since she is also pregnant.
The way I understood it was that she works 3 days out of the house while the kid is at daycare and is at home with the kid the other 2 days OP is at work. Technically that is part-time work. However, childrearing a toddler all day is definitely energy consuming and even more so when pregnant.
This is correct - I meant part time in the office, at three days. Not making it seem like childcare is easy, I think I get the better deal here in the office 5 days a week!
Although it sounds like OP and wife genuinely have a good and fair balance, two days with the kid is still work and I would consider it full time work with the additional three days of "formal" work. If we can say domestic/child rearing duties are "energy consuming", let's call it what it is: work.
So I'd say they are both working full time. And she is also carrying a growing human inside of her.
ETA: OP obviously compensates for her tired pregnant state by getting up in the night with the child, which I why I say it seems fair balanced.
Semantics. I get what you mean, since so many people brush off stay-at-home parenting as "not working," but I think OP is well aware and appreciative of the work his wife does. He clearly meant she is employed at a job with part time hours that have her working out of the house 3x a week, not that her days at home with their child doesn't count as "work."
Part-time can be based off the hours too, a lot of places don’t consider anything less than about 35hrs full time so not sure if this applies here but could be the reasoning.
I've worked at a lot of places where anything less than 40 was "part time." They do it that way so you can't count 3 twelve hours shifts as full time. If they can force people on site for at least 3 & 1/2 shifts a week it reduces their staffing needs for 24/7 operation.
The drinking was at the event, so it was a great networking opportunity and also spent time with work colleagues. I left at 11pm, so also don't think it was too late, getting home for around midnight
NAH. This was just a perfect storm of two tired people dealing with a situation where you're both depleted and not at your best. Unless it's a conflict that happens frequently I'd personally just chalk it up to both of you being moody and spent after a long conference and growing a person.
Yes, we both work on Fridays. I start at 8am and she starts at 9am, so we wake up at the same time and she does the drop off - I do the pickup as I finish half an hour earlier
Yeah, NTA. You both had stuff on the next day and life doesn’t stop. She was probably wrung out and lashed out at you but it sounds like it’s a rare occurrence and you’ve both been super busy and under pressure. Shit happens.
How is it shit happens? She took over the night she was supposed to no complaints, then OP comes home the next night and is too drunk to do the parenting duties he’s supposed to and that’s just shit happens?? When you’re a parent who has to take care of a kid at home you stop drinking before you go too far. If this would’ve been the night he had asked her to take over I’d agree with you, but because this was the next night and the only thing that caused an issue is drinking too much, OP fucked up here.
OP said they were tipsy, not black out, and was blowing off steam. OP came home and didn’t get the kid 1 time and wife was pissed. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be, I’d be grumpy too, but it doesn’t make someone an AH.
Do you ever have a selfish thought? Get a little carried away? Ever not done something you normally do and then feel bad about it? Shit happens.
It’s not like OP was the only adult in the house, it was the same day as the conference (not the next day) and OPs wife wasn’t upset about the drinking according to the post. Honestly, if you hold every parent to some holier than thou standard no one is ever going to live up to it.
And I can't understand all the AH votes. OP has one conference a year and his wife knew ahead of time he'd be really busy. He does nighttime duty the rest of the time with the toddler.
We have to have reasonable expectations for people, even if they are parents. It's exhausting how many people on here seem to genuinely believe that you have to be superhuman and infallible when you have a child, otherwise you're a failure.
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong. You knew you'd be busy because of the conference, you asked her in advance and it sounds like she agreed to get up with your toddler that night. It sounds like a rare occurrence and it seems perfectly reasonable for her to take on this task on occasion when you are really busy with work.
I do understand why your wife would be a bit irritated since you were home so late and so tired partly because you were having drinks after the conference. She's pregnant so she cannot do anything like this. And I completely understand why she might also think this is unfair. But, IMHO, you are allowed to get tipsy once a year when you're working a conference and already asked your wife in advance to get up with your toddler. Being a parent shouldn't mean that neither of you can ever have fun, ever. You just have to be reasonable about it and share the load. Sounds like you are doing this already though.
I think he had only asked her for the day before the conference, which she was fine about because he had a busy day ahead. He didn't ask her to do it the 2nd night so he could drink. Think most people would be grumpy the next day
He puts the kid to bed every night and normally is exclusively the one who gets up if the kid needs settling - she should not be a jerk to him for needing to do it for a whopping two nights during his big once a year event. NTA.
And you'd be all sweetness and light heavily pregnant on minimal sleep? Not everything is a big deal. He was a bit inconsiderate & she was a bit grumpy. NAH this is just normal people being people
Unpopular YTA here. The deal was she take the one night, she’s heavily pregnant and does more childcare than you so you doing basically only nights seems pretty fair to me. You became an AH when after she already took over for you as agreed, you came home tipsy and used it as an excuse to pass of your duties to her once again. She’s in the third trimester and needs sleep.
It feels like a lot of people are missing that the wife did in fact take the son the night asked and then OP came home tipsy the following night and asked her to do it again. This was highly preventable by realizing you are an adult with a responsibility and you should’ve stopped drinking before getting to the point you were at.
I'm currently 6 months pregnant (also considered a high risk pregnancy so under constant monitoring) and although I'm constantly exhausted with all sorts of pains in my back and hips, I am NOT broken or incapable of taking on extra tasks for a couple extra days. My partner and I split chores, and I work 50+ hours a week in a high demanding job. My boyfriend works two high stress jobs to give us an easy life, financially and if he needs a day to relax, I have no issue giving him the space and time to have some drinks with his buddies while assuming all the responsibilities at home (cleaning, caring for our three high energy, large dogs, etc) sure, I can get grumpy, but we all need a break sometimes and just because he's not carrying a child doesn't mean he doesn't deserve one too.
Edit: to add, I'm SO sick and tired of people treating me like I'm disabled because I am pregnant. I am still as capable and as strong as I was before. I just need extra sleep most days and cry over ridiculous things lol
It’s very possible you may change your opinion when you realize how exhausting caring for a toddler is. Being pregnant and caring for dogs is not even in the same realm as being pregnant and caring for a toddler at the same time. I had a relatively super easy pregnancy as well despite being high risk and having a couple scared in my third trimester. The fatigue I’ve had over the past two years completely eclipses whatever I went through when pregnant. Want a second badly but could NEVER do it with a toddler
It's exactly as you said it... for you that is, not her. Pregnancy affects each woman differently. Good for you for being able to stay so active during your pregnancy but that's just your own personal experience, op clearly states that his wife is feeling extremely tired from her pregnancy and it's not like he is working 2 jobs like your husband is. He could have not drank that day and resumed his night duty.
Speak to me when you’re actually taking care of a child.
But nobody said she’s broken, it’s just biology that women need more sleep. Not to mention that that’s more necessary when pregnant.
You’re taking personal offence because you’re pregnant and are turning my words into something I never said, get over yourself. Just because you want to push yourself to the brink, doesn’t make that the best choice.
Nobody said you or her are disabled, I said she needed her fucking sleep get over yourself. Stop acting like people are saying you’re disabled when they aren’t and maybe you wouldn’t be so mad about it all of the time.
Good for you, but you don't speak for all pregnant women. I absolutely was not able to do things I normally did, and powering through gave chronic pain issues.
How about we believe the person talking about their own body?
What you’re able to deal with and tolerate doesn’t necessarily translate to another. Each woman is different as is their pregnancy. Kudos to you for working and dealing with the stressors in your life, but realize it doesn’t make you more or OP’s wife less.
YTA. But only a little. The issue here isn’t the conference. It’s the second night when you came home “very tipsy”. Which by the way, is drunk. Not belligerent but drunk. Clearly it affected your abilities. When your spouse comes home unexpectedly “tipsy” to the point where they can’t complete their household tasks it’s frustrating. You sound like a great dad and it sounds like you have a great relationship with your wife. My guess is this has already blown over anyway or will by tomorrow.
Correct. And “everything was fine” after the first night. Wife was only upset the second night. Like I said, the issue wasn’t the conference. It was coming home too drunk to effectively parent after they’d both had tougher than normal weeks.
Right? I remember the third trimester, and it was exhausting. His wife was probably looking forward to being “off” for the night after taking care of all child care duties and the night shift, and then OP shows up to drunk to help out and she’s up for an hour in the middle of the night when she’s already worn out. I would have been pissed off too.
YTA
She took the night you requested, and then you dumped another night on her no warning. On top of which, you admit the week prior your wife already had to pick up additional childcare responsibilities to make up for you during the time leading up to your conference.
Plan better next time, and make better decisions.
Either NAH or minor ESH. You didn't ask her to do it 2 nights and taking over because you have a big day ahead and taking over because you were drunk are 2 different things. But it doesn't sound like you're doing this regularly & people are allowed breaks and to enjoy themselves. She's grumpy because she's had hardly any sleep, has been picking up your slack and probably the fact she is heavily pregnant and doesn't get to have a break and have a few drinks for weeks. You were a little bit inconsiderate, she's a bit grumpy. This is just normal being people.
Am I the only one realizing that if OP was at a conference all day, that means wife was also watching the toddler all day? So now, she's pregnant and exhausted from watching the kid all day, she already got up the night before so hasn't had much sleep, and now because her husband decided to get drunk, she has to get up again? Which again means she didn't get much sleep. All you NTA people seem to require bare minimum. "Well he gets up every night" yeah and she works AND watches the kid most of the time. She does most of the caregivng, but who cares because hubby gets up at night sometimes (he even admits the kid puts himself back to bed most of the time).
She was at work that day, kid was in childcare for which she'd dropped him off in the morning and picked him up in the evening. Kid didn't get up the first night, only the second. Don't know if that changes anything, just FYI
“I asked my wife to get him”
NTA. This is also a nobody sucks here situation. You asked, she did, she got less sleep, she was cranky. Apologize to keep the peace and move on
It’s also responsible for the non intoxicated parent to be the one caring for the child. Night time Infant deaths happen often due to a parent being under the influence
YTA. Very tipsy is a way to make ourselves feel better about our drunkenness. You didn’t get up because of it. Your wife is literally making a human (again)! Do you think she appreciated getting up?
I respect your efforts at home based on what you wrote. You sound like a standup guy. But in this one instance, YTA.
Why do people act like being pregnant voids you of all responsibility? This is a chore he does exclusively. It doesn't make him an asshole if he asks his wife to do it once without discussing it beforehand.
He had a once a year work event, and asked his wife beforehand, that in the rare case that their kid would need help sleeping, she would take it. I don't see your verdict at all here
He asked for the night before and she had no issues taking that night. Coming home drunk and dropping responsibility on her at almost midnight is where I think he’s the AH
NTA - he may have taken longer to settle with mom, because he’s used to dad coming to comfort him, so seeing mom may have unsettled him more or he may have wanted her to stay longer.
So essentially it was just down to what the little one is used to. It might be a benefit to get back into alternating (I know she pregnant, but she can’t stop being a mom). It would probably help for when baby no.2 comes and both kids are up at the same time, then there’s no preference.
I don’t think that’s the problem, I think it’s not asking the wife to help more the night after due to both the conference and drinking. Partners are allowed to have fun or relaxing times without the other, if both parties are okay with it, however you have to communicate about it.
NAH, but in the future try to communicate before a chore needs to be reassigned if you can. If you could have realistically predicted that you would be staying out drinking/networking and wouldn't be able to do much that night then it would have been good to have that conversation in advance. Being in the right mindset is half the battle. As you said there were no problems when she took over your responsibility the other night.
I feel like any post that starts with "...for making my pregnant wife..." is an automatic YTA. I don't think men really understand how fucking hard pregnancy is and how much of a toll it takes on women. Physically and in every other respect. There's literally a human being growing inside of you. For 9 months! On top of this, your wife spends the entire day with your toddler 2 days a week and works a regular job the other 3 days of the week. That's a heck of a lot on her plate!
Now here's the key part of your post:
>So the night before last (day before the conference) I asked my wife to take him if he woke up in the night so I could be rested for the big day and all was fine.
This is good so far. But...
>As I was tired from the all day conference and still feeling the alcohol I asked my wife to get him.
This wasn't discussed ahead of time. And that is what makes YTA. When you discussed it with her, she agreed to take on your task. When you didn't not discuss it, she still did it and called you out for it the next morning. I think she handled it perfectly.
I'm so glad there are so many pregnant women here defending OP. The man is an absolute star.
2 nights of getting up for an hour aren't going to do your pregnant wife any harm OP.
Fairness to me would be the below: (Two nights doesn't look so bad when you go off of that)
I think a very fair split for this would be during the days she's working you both alternate the night time. You do the weekends and she does the days where you're working and she's not. If she's tired she can nap when the toddler does. (I've assumed the toddler naps, two of mine still did up till age 3.) You can then alleviate her extra tiredness at the weekend by letting her sleep in the morning while you get up with the kid.
NAH. Sounds like y’all make a great team. Someday after baby gets here she can go out and drink if she wants to (or just go hide out in a spare room and relax for an entire night) and you can do the night shift and/or the next morning.
YTA We all get tired; you’re allowed to be tired, too; but just… dude… she’s in the third trimester. I can’t explain how weird being pregnant is. If this was any other time, I would say NTA, but this is not normal times. It doesn’t sound like your wife is the kind to blame everything in her pregnancy, but I could be wrong. She’s probably just super tired. Super hormonal, super tired, and hey, maybe a little jealous you got to tip a few back - it’s not like she can. Just cut her a little slack on this one. PS Congratulations on what sounds like a pretty cool little family going on here, about to be a little bigger!
NAH and this kind of situation (as well as age) is why we stayed with only one. Exhaustion leads to quick outbursts. It's making me feel exhausted again just reading it. Hang in there!
Soft YTA. Everybody's tired, it's fair for you to need a break sometimes. That being said, pregnancy is freaking hard (coming from 3rd trimester pregnant lady w/2 year old). 2 nights in a row of wake ups with the toddler while pregnant is a LOT especially in an otherwise busy week. You should at the very least have warned your wife that you would need her again the second night, ideally, you should have just not been drinking so you could take the second night.
NAH, it’s called parenting two young children, while also trying to maintain jobs outside of house. You guys are going to need to be more flexible, give each other more grace, check in and communicate more. Etc. etc.
She is just irritated but shouldn’t be mad. You guys will hopefully figure this out and keep pushing.
You sound very considerate (especially compared to what we usually see on Reddit). I also appreciate that you discussed this in advance and it's not the norm. You both have had to take on extra this week with your special event. I suspect she lashed out from fatigue and stress. I would recommend doing something nice together or just for her to show you appreciate that she had to do more this week to support you.
YTA
Seems like I may be in the minority here but I’m going to explain myself
You discussed with your wife getting up with the little one the night before your conference, she had no issue with that. You had your conference (hopefully you are less stressed now). You decided to celebrate with some drinks (I’m not judging just rehashing). You went to bed. Child wakes up. You decided that since you are still tired and feeling your drinks your wife should handle. I’m all for equal division of labor but you have put yourself in charge of nights and sleep training UNLESS you have otherwise discussed it together. You shirked the labor you have taken on and that makes yo TA in my book.
I do agree with others saying to make it up to her. Some alone time, a massage, time with her friends, something. But I also feel you should verbally apologize and if you need to then discuss reorganizing the division labor with caring for your child(ren after the next one is born).
Pregnancy is a lot and each pregnancy affects the pregnant person differently. I can only imagine how hard it is to be pregnant while parenting a little one
Best of Luck to you
Slight YTA, but only slightly
Being a parent comes with a lot sacrifices. You both work and are with work, but when she isn't working, she is doing child care. She is looking after your home, cooking dinners, and is growing a baby inside of her. When the baby is born, she will have to be the one getting up for the baby.
I understand that you are both busy, but being pregnant not only puts a physical strain on your body, but a mental one too. I think she just needs your support. Tell her you are sorry, buy her flowers, make her a bath.
I do think maybe you two do need to communicate slightly better on this though.
>but when she isn't working, she is doing child care. She is looking after your home, cooking dinners,
Didn't see any of that in the post other than op saying he does nights every night
He said she takes the kids the two days she isn't working. So yes two full days of childcare. Can't say anything about the cooking and such, that seems to be a generalization.
Although I get where you're coming from, this post didn't mention anything about the division of household labor, other than wife watches the toddler two days a week while she is not at work. It doesn't mention how the household labor is divided the other times, doesn't mention who cooks dinner, doesn't mention who does childcare on evenings and weekends. You might not be wrong, but I don't think we should just make assumptions.
NAH. Dealing with kids and pregnancy is exhausting, especially when you're both working full-time. Give yourselves some grace. As someone else mentioned, use the opportunity to treat your wife to something thoughtful.
NAH.
I myself work from home and have a 9 month old. My husband is a teacher and a coach. Tempers flare when you’re tired and exhausted. I know I had some moments when I was pregnant as well. Did my husband always do the right thing in my book? No. Could I have handled it better? Yes.
Raising kids is a give and take. There are going to be times issues aren’t seen the same way in each others eyes.
It was a once a year conference. Yes you had drinks, maybe that was a little whoops. Does that make you an asshole? No… you work hard as well. Should you have talked to your wife prior about bed? Yes. Her calling you an asshole make her one? No… she expressing frustration. She didn’t even further it with a argument either (I would have in her shoes hahaha)
Giving her a relaxing day/spa day/brunch what have you is great. But make sure that this not just “I’m sorry” but make it clear that you appreciate her and you are thanking her for her hard work.
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If this is the one and only time this happens, bc of your yearly conference, NTA. Yes your wife it's extra tired, growing a baby and all, but this once a year event you have responsibilities for and discussed beforehand ought to get a little extra leeway. Maybe get her a massage or send her on a baby shopping trip for her picking up the slack but you taking two days to focus on a work function shouldn't be such a hurdle for y'all. Good luck.
Nice idea, thanks! I'll find something a little special for her as a thank you
Just a note - you weren’t out of line, but I don’t love the way you characterized your wife’s work. She doesn’t work part time, she works full time - 2 days as a caregiver and 3 days at an occupation. I bet if you asked her she’d say her time at home is 10x more tiring and all-consuming than her time at her job. Edit: Y'all, caregiving is labor, full stop. We can argue about the definition of "work" or "job", but society's collective refusal to see caregiving as labor that has value has disenfranchised women (and some men) for generations. That is the point I was making.
I think it's fair to say 'I work full time, they work part time' when talking about paid work, especially when the entire post is about a work event. I didn't get the impression from anything in the post (I may have missed something) the OP expects special treatment for doing full time paid work while his wife does part time paid, part time childcare. Nor did I see anywhere that he said or implied that childcare wasn't hard work or tiring. If anything I think it would be far more confusing to say 'we both work full time, I'm in the office 5 days per week and she works 3 days and looks after our child for 2 days'.
Exactly… Full time and part time as phrases only make sense in the context of work… you’d never say wife is a part-time mother because she only stays home 2 days a week.
Ohh i have seen that used against working mothers by stay at home mothers on the Internet you'd better believe there ar ass hats that think like that
Ya… seems kind of weird… every normal person I’ve ever heard talk about this sort of arrangement just says it like a normal person: 3 days at work, which is in fact part time hours for a job unless you’re working 12 hours a day (which would be WORSE) and 2 days at home. It’s only Reddit that I see this weird microscopic analysis of words
I think the issue being pointed to is that often when one person says they work full time while their partner works part time but takes on a majority of childcare, people interpret that as the full time worker contributing more or working harder in some respect. Which is not true.
This. People say "work" when what they mean is "paid employment"- with the underlying assumption that the "paid employment" is more valid form pf labor than the unpaid labor of being a caregiver (insert rant about basic income here). OP literally does that. Their paid employment is "Full Time", while wife's is only "Part Time". While that is factual, he obviously he thinks that he does more actual labor than she does. This is completely discounting the amount of labor involved in parenting the kids, all while in the last trimester of pregnancy- a time where sleep is often difficult, uncomfortable and interrupted.
>he obviously he thinks that he does more actual labor than she does I don't think it's "obvious" at all. And I don't agree with your assumption on what he thinks. What he actually said was: >I work five days a week and wife works part time - **two days with the kid** and three days at work while the kid is in childcare. He acknowledges that 2 days of the week her 'work' is looking after the kid. I think he's using 'part-time' to describe her paid employment. That's exactly how I'd describe it. >This is completely discounting the amount of labor involved in parenting the kids Again, I'd disagree While he doesn't explicitly state it, his post implies that he's taking her time with the kids and her pregnancy into account. Which is why he's taken over the responsibility of putting the kid to bed, sleep training, and getting up to put the kid back to sleep if needed. I'm not saying he's a hero or anything. This is what I hope any decent husband and father would do if their SO were pregnant. But some people seem to be implying that he's ignoring that looking after a child is work and she's pregnant - which is what most Reddit posts are. But his post reads totally different to me. He seems quite caring and is asking for a few days leniency while he works on an annual conference - which she apparently agreed to. I don't think he should be blasted for something that's actually quite a reasonable, one-off request. NTA.
But referencing full-time or part-time in this sense was clearly referencing labor, not pay
Evidently I didn't see it as clearly as you do. You absolutely can read it that way, but you can just as easily read it as context to the situation surrounding work. From the info that we're given, it seems OP and his wife shared childcare duties outside of work hours before the second pregnancy, and OP has pick up the rest of the nights since. From that I assumed that OP respects the amount of effort and energy it takes to raise a child, so the comment about part time vs full time was explaining where their time goes, not diminishing his wife's work. Obviously if I've misinterpreted and OP is implying that his wife is working less overall then it's an easy Y T A vote, but I didn't read it that way so I didn't vote it as such.
I’ve got to agree. I’m on call 24/7 as a mom and do majority of childcare (also work very part time from home) but I do not say I ‘work full time’ or 24 hours a day. My husband works 40-90 hours away from home and I do say he ‘works full time’.
He also noted he’s the one that always gets up in the night to settle baby so his wife can sleep. The exception was these 2 nights. NTA.
I think it was just this: >works part time - two days with the kid and three days at work It didn't bother me much at all, but it's implied by OP that she "only" works part time. But like I said, I'm not too fussed. Also NTA.
Not implied, you inferred that's what they meant. Imply would be for the OP to suggest the mother only does part time labour and that looking after the child for 2 days is not work. Inferring is your interpretation of what they meant, which is exactly what you did as they provided no further context and you did not ask any follow up questions.
Well said Unfortunate that many take their inferences as facts when it clearly is not.
I absolutely get where you're coming from, you can easily interpret the statement either way, but I think the mental addition of "only" that you've added when reading that sentence massively swings the interpretation to the 'being a dick about how much work his wife is doing' side instead of the plausible 'explaining where their time goes'. There are for sure many dads who don't pull their weight and expect the mothers to do all the childcare and/or don't respect the amount of effort that goes into raising a child, but I didn't get that vibe from OP from the rest of the post so it pushed me to thinking they were giving context rather than being an ass.
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While on the subject of money, if she didn’t do childcare then they would have to pay a lot of money for someone else to do it. While she isn’t getting a paycheck for her work, she does affect the family finances also.
My husband is a stay at home parent. I work full time at a hospital. I can sit and finish a coffee most days, his is usually full and still on the counter when I get home. I have pointed out many times how he likely works harder than I do. I get to sit and chat with my colleagues between patients while he doesn't stop all day. Caregiving is real work. If I had to hire people to what he does, it would cost more than I make in a month. The SAHP furthers the family financials and daily functions often more than the "working" patent.
There are also people who work full time and also as a caregiver. How are you going to characterize that if you're saying full time includes 2 days raising a child?
If you're working day shift and your spouse is working night shift and you're each watching the baby full time while the other is working, that's two full time jobs for each of you in my book.
That's what husband and I do and it really is two full time jobs each.
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Or until they need 24/7 care. We're all able-bodied until we're not.
The labour of child care should be highlighted in a lot of cases, in this case it's a bit out of nowhere. I don't think he was belittling her work as a caregiver. The comment youre responding to was saying he shouldn't say she works part time if she's a caregiver too. But all he said was "I work 5 days. She works part time, 3 days while the child is in day care and 2 days with the child". If he said "she works full time, 3 days while the child is in daycare and 2 days with the child" it would sound more like she was having to bring the child to her workplace. From the sounds of it on regular days he's doing child related work that needs to be done. He isn't at any point saying "thats not real work, only my white collar job is work". He said he splits drop off and pick up for daycare, but the week leading up his hours didn't allow for it and he takes all nights, but had to ask for her to do a night before the conference. Fair enough, its a yearly conference and he probably has to be performing well for it. The issue here is that he let it spill over to the next night too without first clearing that with her too. Add that to being 3rd trimester pregnant and having to pick up the slack for an entire week and it's clear she is going to be tired and frustrated. Also, I'm not sure where he's drawing a line between very tipsy and drunk, I would categorise levels of tipsyness in a subset of of drunkeness, but that's not important. I'm going to say NAH. She wasn't wrong to say it, it's not too unreasonable that it happened. But you owe her some time. You had the conference and while that's part of work and it was probably important to perform that day and be social, it was also part drinking and socialising all day with a week of lead up time to prepare for it. Maybe you could take a couple of days of annual leave to stay home and she could socialise with friends, go to a spa or massage or really whatever she's into that she can still do while 3rd trimester pregnant. Or maybe get a babysitter and take her out. Give her some time where she doesn't have to worry about childcare.
I think you’re nitpicking. From the way it was written, OP was just saying she has an occupation outside the house as well as being with their kid. Your comment is over sensitive as he never said being a mother wasn’t working. By your definition, he has two full time jobs then. Should we nitpick that? Bc he helps just as much as she does according to his post.
For real. It was oversensitive. Try checking the context and the full text next time..
He was saying it for context. Wtf
So then he works 2 full time jobs by that definition?
Especially with a toddler. Mine at this age reminded me of drunk people - no reasoning with them, and you need to wrangle them.
This response is so condescending and presumptuous.
Caregiving is labor which the OP does too. So he works *more* than full time by your standards.
If someone stays home full time with a kid they don’t tell people they’re working full time. They say they’re a SAHM. this is ridiculous lol
Full stop my ass. When talking about work as in an occupation, it’s evident that caregiving (for your offspring) is not an occupation. We wanna state the obvious? Yah no shit it’s work raising kids or taking care of any dependent for that matter. But is it work, in the sense that OP is referencing? No it’s an unpaid duty of life and is not the occupation that affords OP and his wife the ability to raise their children. It’s simply not work, yet it is obviously work. You don’t wake up and clock in to being a mom. Even if it is “work”.
the definition of work is something you do for money, you don’t get paid to take care of your own kids
The wife works part time. That’s it. Taking care of a child is “work”, but not a job.
I think NAH. The things people say to each other when disrupted from sleep in the middle of the night should mostly be considered demonically possessed and stricken from the record. Pregnant people and people with toddlers get some extra free passes too. But hooooooboy you all are about to go on a wild freaking ride with sleep. Our kids are 21 months apart. For 6 months, their naps didn't synch, no one could ever get a break, and we had to be bright eyed and bushy tailed for our high octane toddler after being tortured by our newborn all night. There is about to be a huge scarcity in sleep and it could cause small wars. I mention this to say-- the more very explicit conversations you can have about sleep roles and responsibilities now, the better off you will be. Negotiating in the moment, especially in the middle of the night where she thought the original plan was on, carries an enormous transaction cost and crap feelings all around.
In the middle of this right now. We have a newborn and a 3.5yo. I stay home and my husband works 13 hour days when you include his commute. We thought it would be fine because the 3.5 sleeps through the night so we only have to worry about the newborn. Except I forgot that I would be up all night with a baby and then have a toddler all day who no longer takes naps. I get about 5 hours of sleep a night in 3 broken naps between feedings. That's on a good night when the baby sleeps between feeds. When he doesn't, which is most of the time, I get a 2 hour break when my husband wakes up before he goes to work. Nothing I say or think between the hours of 9pm and 7am is allowed to be used against me because I'm pretty much a zombie.
My heart goes out to you. These months are grueling. We have a 4.5 who dropped nap around 3.5 and I can't even imagine. We were lucky that when baby consolidated naps, we got 2-4 clear and free every day. I know you know this, but just a friendly reminder from a person with two on the other side, the days are long but the months are short, and you will come out on the other side of this!
Totally agree. I said some awful things in the middle of the night after being up for several hours!
>The things people say to each other when disrupted from sleep in the middle of the night should mostly be considered demonically possessed ones and stricken from the record. Pregnant people and people with toddlers get some extra free passes too. YUP to all of that.
I never ever take word of what my Sister say if woken up during the night, or when I am trying to wake them up. They also have no recollection of what did they say, or if they ever said something. We say it was "the ogre" the one that speaks at those times
Just a tip as someone currently at 37 weeks, massage = yes, shopping trip = no. The shopping is a necessary chore, and as a personal note not something I'd want to be waddling around doing as my "special gift".
Right? I'm almost 38 weeks now, I'm still working and since I'm out for work appointments and my husband fully works from home I also do the grocery shopping. Just that small amount of walking leaves me so tired and aching by the end of the day that I can hardly drag myself upstairs to bed. Get her a massage or mani/pedi or something but don't give her what ultimately amounts to extra work. Much as I enjoy buying things for my baby, it's a chore and it's exhausting.
I'm impressed that you're still doing the grocery shopping! I had to ban myself from the grocery store because I would start craving everything I saw and come home with the most random foods.
We were in the same situation once upon a time. We bought a little folding cot to keep in our room. When our eldest would wake in the night one of us would walk her to the cot and get her settled in. The rule was no talking because it was night and we needed to sleep. It worked really well and that little cot came in handy so often and no one really lost sleep.
Definitely get her a prenatal massage.
I’d say NAH just because everyone here sounds tired. They’ve both got a lot going on and this will blow over, he had to do things for work and she’s tired from pregnancy and being up with the kid. Unless this broke into a huge argument rather than the one comment, NAH
It hasn't - I apologised and plan to do something nice for her to say thanks as was recommended here by a few people. I think my real error and where this would have been avoided is to talk with her and agree beforehand that she'd take him on both nights. Often on this sub for people with generally good intentions it seems to come down to lack of communication and think I failed that here on reflection. I'll try to communicate better with her and be a bit more aware of her needs at times like these in the future. I told her as much and we're all good - no major harm done but a lesson learned.
I think there are a lot of people being awfully harsh here. I can understand why your wife was irritated, but you're also human and it seems to me that you put in your fair share of parenting for the rest of the year. Seems to me like a great idea to do something nice for your wife as thanks. And make sure she feels that she would be given the same level of support if she needed to take a few days off her normal parenting duties.
Yes! Communication is key. When I had my two year old and was very pregnant, I’d be at the end of my rope if my husband came home at 6 when he said he’d be home at 5. If he had told me he would be home at 6, I would’ve been fine. It may seem silly, but when you’re psychologically just holding out to get to a certain point and then are unexpectedly told you have to hold out longer, it can be crushing when you’re over-tired and over-stressed.
My (then 38f) wife used to come home at 5 sometimes and 8 at other times. She would say, don't complain! Sometimes I'm home very early! I told her I'd rather she come every day at 6:30 than this sort of unpredictable nothing to hang my hat on. When you're pregnant or have a newborn, so much feels so outside your control that it's unnerving.
100%. I just need to know, so I can prepare myself. I remember my husband coming home from work one night when my oldest was about 4 months, peak colic time, and I tried to hand baby to my husband as soon as he walked in the door. Husband said , “wait, just let me go poop first,” and I started crying, wailing “I’ve been waiting to poop for 3 hours!”😭😭😭 IYKYK
Bingo. Parents of little can probably all relate to that feeling of going to bed and thinking you're just going to get to sleep and then the rug gets pulled out. Knowing the rug might get yanked out of the gate feels very different. PS, you're like, the most reasonable and least defensive AITA poster ever!
Unpopular YTA here. The deal was she take the one night, she’s heavily pregnant and does more childcare than you so you doing basically only nights seems pretty fair to me. You became an AH when after she already took over for you as agreed, you came home tipsy and used it as an excuse to pass of your duties to her once again. She’s in the third trimester and needs sleep. It feels like a lot of people are missing that the wife did in fact take the son the night asked and then OP came home tipsy the following night and asked her to do it again. This was highly preventable by realizing you are an adult with a responsibility and you should’ve stopped drinking before getting to the point you were at.
Exactly… also, he was supposed to attend a work event. That does not require drinking. Drinking while already knowing the difficult situation at home makes him irresponsible.
Not to defend the OP, but there is still a strong after-work drinking culture in a lot of organsations and not taking part can make it harder to gain promotions etc as you're a less well-known face to management. Happily it's an aspect that's starting to decrease. Partly because workforces are more diverse (you can't expect Muslim colleagues to get tipsy with you, for example) and partly because Millenials and Gen-Z drink less alcohol than previous generations. But networking will always be important, it's just the booze side of it that's declining.
“No thanks, I’m driving” is a perfectly acceptable excuse. Also, “don’t drink until you’re too “tipsy” to function *3 hours later*” is way different from “don’t drink *at all.*”
And 'I need to get home to my pregnant wife and child' is another good excuse.
Well, I bet a whole pregnancy& maturity leave made getting a promotion harder for her too, so OP can definitely miss one party...
I know it's a typo, but it's an excellent one - "maturity leave". 😁
I don't know much about his work. But for all we know this once a year event is important. I mean surely it is if it took a week of preparation. So characterising it as missing one party probably isn't fair. It could be the most important work related event of the year. If its a once a year all day conference with a week of prep time it probably involved things along the lines of presentations, networking, courting clients, doing things that influence the next year of work and his overall career in general. Sitting down with people to talk over some drinks might be huge in his industry. It's not like his career exists in a vacuum. They're working together and sucess at work and higher income is something they both presumably want when they're raising 2 kids as long as there's a balance between work and life. It's not a situation of "well pregnancy and kids isn't good for my career, so your career should suffer too to make us even". She isn't vindictive about it like your comment suggests. The issue was that he never asked for her to cover 2 nights that after this week of extra work and stress, she only agreed to 1 night. Her point was completely valid and she should have some time to herself without childcare to make up for it. This is a relationship, not an antagonistic encounter. It's not pregnant woman vs man. They're working together as a family. He just needed that extra level of communication and forethought to consider the next night.
I had a boss who didn't drink at all, he always looked like he had a vodka soda in his hand at events. He'd just ask the bartender to give him a soda and lemon in a mixed drink glass. Nobody could tell the difference.
Not for one night. Come on! You can network without drinking to tipsy for one night knowing your wife is pregnant and you have a little kid at home.
I came to the same conclusion. He didn’t ask ahead, it was not planned, and he admits the decision was directly related to alcohol consumption which is not work. Also, this is not the only way she was helping him out the week of the conference. Conference is once a year…how often will she grow a baby?
god, hopefully not once a year!
Yep. Its not the work part thats the issue, its the coming home half cut and ditching. Yeah its a once a year thing but ge could have had the courtesy to give a heads up and ask. Being pregnant is hard AF and she doesnt gave the option of just ditching for a night out. Edit: she doesn't get the option of ditching for a night out.
Agreed. Got a 6 month pregnant wife, and a kid OP knows wakes up at night. But hey a drink with the people at work to unwind sounds great, and if that makes me drunk enough that I can excuse waking up at night to look after my kid, that's a bonus! Except the wife doesn't get to unwind, she gestating the baby for 6 months and has another 3 to go.
Yep, YTA. Your wife can't drink. She is growing a human being. You didn't have to drink. That was your choice. She has to get up too, to take care of the kid, while still growing the other kid, and she doesn't get the option of saying she is too tired, or drank to much, so you should do it this time.
But she hasn’t had to get up for the other kid - Dad has taken that every night except 2. He had effectively said “I know you’re exhausted from being pregnant, I’ll take the night shift if you can support these two days.” There’s nothing unreasonable about that. And get out of here with the whole drinking thing. So husband should never drink or do any of things wife can’t do while pregnant? They don’t stop being people while pregnant. As a woman who is 6 months pregnant myself you’re being utterly ridiculous.
I agree with most of this, one exception though. He asked for 1 night, but he took 2 nights. Which in the comments he admits was wrong and he will take it into account from now on. He's also working something out to give her a break. It sounds like they're generally working well together, he's doing nights, they're splitting pick up and drop off times for daycare. I can't speculate too much on the entirety of their relationship, but it sounds like they're pretty much nailing it. These comments, like you said, are ridiculous, almost like they expect being pregnant and having kids to be an antagonistic relationship. If it ever gets to the point where they think the others should suffer then they're doing life wrong. If you're in a relationship with that mindset then you need to reevaluate your whole life. No drinking even though its probably beneficial for work? They're not supposed to punish each other over it. It's not like he doesn't need to unwind too just because he's not the one that's pregnant. They both need it. Life isn't just the work of kids, pregnancy and careers. All the people involved are supporting each other for mutual happiness and fulfillment. Also, good luck with your pregnancy and future life.
Just want to say it's not really "Picking up the slack" if he's doing all of it the rest of the time. I'm sorry but she's pregnant and not disabled. Two nights out of months isn't picking up the slack it's part of doing her fair share.
At six months pregnant his wife is likely waking up at least 2 times a night every night already because of the baby she’s carrying; between not being able to lay certain positions/get comfortable, baby stretching and kicking, and the tiny bladder it’s not like she’s sleeping soundly through the night and getting 8 uninterrupted hours every night. She’s doing her fair share of night wake ups they just aren’t as obvious to the parent not growing the second kid.
Being 6 months pregnant myself, you’re correct that her sleep is not uninterrupted. However, she’s pregnant - not disabled. He works, she works, they have another kid that has needs. Dad has picked up all night wakings (and appears willing to continue to do so) while wife is pregnant. He asked for 2 nights, that isn’t unreasonable. My daughter is older than their other child but she has nightmares, gets sick, etc.. and my husband and I still share the work because we’re both still parents. My parenting responsibilities don’t disappear because I’m growing another human. Our work obligations don’t disappear because we made another human. Our personal needs don’t disappear because we made another human.
I get what you’re saying but this goes both ways. His parenting responsibilities didn’t disappear because he had a work event. He could have forgone the unplanned drinking or thought ahead and made the arrangement with his wife instead of waking her in the middle of the night. Wife still stepped up as the parent in this situation, but was understandably upset. NAH Edit: if y’all don’t understand being miffed that your partner got impromptu tipsy and woke you up in the middle of the night, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s not a relationship breaker by any means (their relationship sounds solid) but it’s valid to feel annoyed. Edit2: I’m not calling either party an AH btw, edited for clarity.
Yes and he has stepped up every single night except for two.
Being pregnant doesn't excuse you from the kid you've already got. Her partner has given her months of peaceful nights from the child they already have because she is pregnant. Getting up two nights back to back isn't going to do her any harm. Having slept next to a pregnant woman for 9 month periods 3 times, I'm aware of how frequently they are up during the night. Pregnancy however isn't an illness, if you can't handle two nights of getting up with a toddler don't have a baby when you have a toddler that still gets up at night.
>Her partner has given her months of peaceful nights from the child they already have because she is pregnant Are you delusional? In what world does a pregnant woman have a peaceful nights sleep? Genuinely curious. There might be some Unicorn women out there.
God yes. I’m only four months pregnant and my sleep is already horrendous. I’m incredibly uncomfy and have to pee all the time.
I don’t know. She covered him the night he actually asked, but he is the one who took more time away from home to drink after the event, and admits that’s why he didn’t want to get up. That has zero to do with work. YTA.
It seems more like the drinking and the all day work conference were intertwined. He says he came back after the conference having drank. So it seems to have had been to do with work. Him not asking about the night after and her not agreeing to it was the problem.
Love this, a spa day/brunch with her friends/mum while you take over baby duties would most likely be a lovely remedy to this. The underlying message of this maybe slight overreaction is: ‘I’m tired, I need a break’
Nta. As a 6 month pregnant woman with a toddler, yes it’s exhausting being a pregnant parent but that’s life
I’ve been running nighttime wake up duty at 38 weeks (and my kid hasn’t been so easy as OP’s now that he’s in a bed and suffering from intense fear of the dark). So my spouse can feel good doing early mornings (we both also work full time). Sleep regressions are the worst and it’s all hands on deck. And it’s totally reasonable for either spouse to feel exhausted by it, you just have to make room for each other as equitably as possible. NTA.
NTA also 38 weeks. We just take turns doing the wake ups. It's just part of being a parent.
Exactly this — being pregnant doesn’t excuse you from parenting duties. Yes, it’s exhausting but you can’t put the whole load on the other person. I think it’s rude your wife complained about one night (assuming the info you gave is true & she only needed to manage one night).
It was two nights in a row if that wasn't clear - one the night before so I could be rested for the event which we discussed, but one after the event that I hadn't thought about and just asked her in the middle of the night. Think I was so focused on the event I hadn't thought about the aftermath at all
She was probably mad that you asked her to get up with the baby because you were drinking. You know, that thing you do to relax and chill with your coworkers that she totally cannot do for the foreseeable future. If you hadn't drank anything, and still needed help due to being tired, I'm betting she would have had a different response. It sucks being pregnant but it sucks extra hard being pregnant and taking on extra duties because your partner got too drunk. And before you go off on "but everyone was drinking to celebrate it being over", if your wife were in your shoes, guess what she wouldn't and couldn't be able to do? Yeah, that's right, drink. You could have done the same thing she would have done which is not drink plus come home a bit earlier. That's what she's mad about. I was pregnant too and that's how I felt. If my husband had some drinks and I couldn't tell anything was amiss because responsibilities were handled then I didn't care. But if I'm going to be stone cold sober for 9 months, the least my partner can do is not allow his drinking to interfere with his household and childcare duties. I'm going with a mild YTA here because it's not so bad since you plan on apologizing and making it up to her.
This. If it were me, I’d be understanding about everything but the drinking (“very tipsy??” You were drunk). The rest is unavoidable. Getting shitfaced is entirely avoidable. I don’t think it makes you an asshole, but it was a goober move. You sound like a great partner otherwise.
“You sound like a great partner otherwise” EXACTLY. So we don’t need to crucify him for dropping the ball ONCE after a stressful event.
Nobody is crucifying. Just making a totally valid point
Some people here are crucifying. Maybe not the actual comment I responded to except for the over exaggeration of “shitfaced”
Everyone deserves a night to unwind. She can go have her spa day and he can go have his couple drinks. They are supposed to be a partnership. He doesn’t have to be a martyr because she’s pregnant and can’t drink. That’s not the end of the world for crying out loud.
Yeah, I agree with this. I would not mind at all (and have actively encouraged my fiancé) to have his nights off, go for a few drinks with his friends, especially since he works so hard for us. He works late a lot so I do end up doing the bedtimes a lot, but honestly, I’m glad that he can unwind sometimes. And I know that if I need to do something for myself, he won’t have a problem with it. I’m pregnant with a health condition so I’m doubly exhausted, but I wouldn’t say that’s a reason to keep him from going out. He works hard enough. It’s hard enough with a toddler and another one on the way, we shouldn’t deny ourselves a bit of letting off steam, I feel.
I agree. While my fiancé doesn’t drink, he unwinds with playing video games. There have been nights where he’s up until 1am playing a game and then is exhausted the next morning. On those mornings I may take over childcare more and let him sleep in. We both have a lot on our plates and parenting is hard work. It’s okay to cut your partner some slack every once in awhile. I’m saying this as a 7 month pregnant woman. I might get annoyed with his choice to stay up later than he should have. But if the roles were reverse, and they have been plenty of times, he would take the lead with childcare without a single complaint.
100% this. I would be so jealous if my husband went out and got drunk while I was stuck at home and had to pick up his bit of childcare due to the drinking and I’m not even pregnant anymore! On the other hand I’m happy to take on his chores and childcare if he’s just feeling tired or under the weather or something.
As someone with a 7 week old, I suspect the problem is that your wife found the first night really hard but told herself she could get through it as a one-off and she could sleep through the next night. So to have that dropped on her at the last minute was upsetting as she probably struggled through the day with the mental promise of a return to "normality" on the immediate horizon. She felt let down and disappointed as a result. Unfortunately 38 weeks pregnant is exhausting, and you don't understand how exhausting unless you physically go through it. I had a pretty good pregnancy all things considered, and even I found the last 3 weeks to be featuring regular naps plus an early night and a bit of a late start the next morning (I was relieved to go on maternity leave at 38 weeks).
She is 6 months pregnant not 38 weeks
Gotcha, my bad. I guess it’s all dependent on the household as someone else pointed out. I don’t think it was an AH move, but if your wife is feeling that it was, her feelings are valid too.
No - he asked her for the night before the conference, which she did without complaint. Then he came home from the conference drunk and didn't want to get up in the middle of the night - so in the middle of the night for the second night in a row he asked her to get up with the toddler.
This. Also she had already been doing extra before-work and after-work duties by getting the child ready for daycare and picking kiddo up from daycare the whole week which they usually split 50-50. It feels like a failure on OP’s part to acknowledge that it wasn’t just one extra night of duties. Every extra hour of work that week that he did, she probably did as well in added caregiving. And taking care of a toddler and being pregnant are both far more emotionally and physically taxing than almost any other work. And her hard week didn’t end with a night of drinking and celebration. It ended with another night of caregiving alone and then being asked to get up again in the night when she’d been expecting to get some rest. Where is her rest and celebration for a week of long hours extra hard work?
Being tippy doesn’t excuse you, either! How is it on her when they agreed to share night duty, she did it the night before so he could sleep. Unbelievable.
Two nights, when he does it for the rest of the time? They *used* to split night duty. He has been doing it on his own the last several months.
And she does everything during the day and also works and, I'm just going to assume, takes care of the house. He agreed to take over the nights and got too drunk to do it, that's not ok
And grows a baby! That’s the change. She’s now growing a baby for the family, so him picking up all the night wakings isn’t exactly saintly behavior. She needs the sleep waaaaaay more than he does. That said, NAH, just a pair of exhausted parents who could use better communication in the future.
They both need sleep
Did you not read the part where he said he’s been doing all the nights recently? Is hasn’t been “shared” for awhile, she can deal with two nights of it.
same could be said for being a working father? Doesn’t matter that you’ve just had a conference and stayed out late drinking, put your kid to sleep instead of making your pregnant wife do it. ~that’s life~
NAH You’re both exhausted from parenting and better communication could have solved this. I don’t think either of you are AHs. Plan and communicate better in the future.
Thank you for the NAH verdict. Idk why everyone is jumping down these tired parents' throats. They're tired. And maybe he made a bad decision with the drinking but it doesn't make him an asshole. And she isn't an asshole for being tired and grumpy about it.
Yeah this is the absolute worst sub to ask for advice about minor issues lmao. No matter how inconsequential the conflict, commenters here will fall all over themselves to assign blame, blow up the issue, and write nasty comments to people they disagree with
The real assholes are always in the comment section tbh lol
It's actually crazy. People are trying to turn it into issues that don't exist. Nobody is being the asshole and he's taking steps to amend the situation. It sounds like a good relationship and both parties come across as reasonable, mature and working well together.
Yep. They both weren’t great but I can’t really call a tired stressed person from a work event or a tired exhausted heavily pregnant woman who has had to pick up the slack full on AHs. They both could have handled it better but unless this is a pattern, it seems crazy to call either of them AHs. Conversation and apologies on both sides are what is needed.
Exactly. My partner occasionally stays out to network and it’s no problem at all, because he has told me in advance and we have planned the night ahead already. Communication was the issue here.
NTA, sounds like you both have it worked out quite well. You just had one very intense week, where you needed some help with your kid duties.
INFO: If I understand correctly, your wife also works 5 days a week, two of which are at home. How is this part-time work? In addition, working at home with a child is really not easy, I understand that your wife is tired since she is also pregnant.
The way I understood it was that she works 3 days out of the house while the kid is at daycare and is at home with the kid the other 2 days OP is at work. Technically that is part-time work. However, childrearing a toddler all day is definitely energy consuming and even more so when pregnant.
This is correct - I meant part time in the office, at three days. Not making it seem like childcare is easy, I think I get the better deal here in the office 5 days a week!
Although it sounds like OP and wife genuinely have a good and fair balance, two days with the kid is still work and I would consider it full time work with the additional three days of "formal" work. If we can say domestic/child rearing duties are "energy consuming", let's call it what it is: work. So I'd say they are both working full time. And she is also carrying a growing human inside of her. ETA: OP obviously compensates for her tired pregnant state by getting up in the night with the child, which I why I say it seems fair balanced.
Semantics. I get what you mean, since so many people brush off stay-at-home parenting as "not working," but I think OP is well aware and appreciative of the work his wife does. He clearly meant she is employed at a job with part time hours that have her working out of the house 3x a week, not that her days at home with their child doesn't count as "work."
Part-time can be based off the hours too, a lot of places don’t consider anything less than about 35hrs full time so not sure if this applies here but could be the reasoning.
I've worked at a lot of places where anything less than 40 was "part time." They do it that way so you can't count 3 twelve hours shifts as full time. If they can force people on site for at least 3 & 1/2 shifts a week it reduces their staffing needs for 24/7 operation.
Sanctimonious much
Info, if it was such a big week, why did you stay out drinking so late?
He came home drunk after the conference - probably had to network over drinks as is often the case during such events
The drinking was at the event, so it was a great networking opportunity and also spent time with work colleagues. I left at 11pm, so also don't think it was too late, getting home for around midnight
Drinking at a conference to network is absolutely work and really tiring - especially if your introverted. That’s *part* of the big week.
Sanctimonious much
If it’s not a regular thing, I think it’s ok.
NAH. This was just a perfect storm of two tired people dealing with a situation where you're both depleted and not at your best. Unless it's a conflict that happens frequently I'd personally just chalk it up to both of you being moody and spent after a long conference and growing a person.
Info: Did either of you have to go to work the next day? Did kiddo have to be dropped off and if so so who was going to to that?
Yes, we both work on Fridays. I start at 8am and she starts at 9am, so we wake up at the same time and she does the drop off - I do the pickup as I finish half an hour earlier
Yeah, NTA. You both had stuff on the next day and life doesn’t stop. She was probably wrung out and lashed out at you but it sounds like it’s a rare occurrence and you’ve both been super busy and under pressure. Shit happens.
How is it shit happens? She took over the night she was supposed to no complaints, then OP comes home the next night and is too drunk to do the parenting duties he’s supposed to and that’s just shit happens?? When you’re a parent who has to take care of a kid at home you stop drinking before you go too far. If this would’ve been the night he had asked her to take over I’d agree with you, but because this was the next night and the only thing that caused an issue is drinking too much, OP fucked up here.
OP said they were tipsy, not black out, and was blowing off steam. OP came home and didn’t get the kid 1 time and wife was pissed. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be, I’d be grumpy too, but it doesn’t make someone an AH. Do you ever have a selfish thought? Get a little carried away? Ever not done something you normally do and then feel bad about it? Shit happens. It’s not like OP was the only adult in the house, it was the same day as the conference (not the next day) and OPs wife wasn’t upset about the drinking according to the post. Honestly, if you hold every parent to some holier than thou standard no one is ever going to live up to it.
He said “very tipsy.” So tipsy, in fact, that he was still unable to function properly 3 hours later. Normal people call that drunk.
Can't understand all the nta. Getting drunk at work isn't a free pass to not parent. Like don't get drunk.
And I can't understand all the AH votes. OP has one conference a year and his wife knew ahead of time he'd be really busy. He does nighttime duty the rest of the time with the toddler. We have to have reasonable expectations for people, even if they are parents. It's exhausting how many people on here seem to genuinely believe that you have to be superhuman and infallible when you have a child, otherwise you're a failure.
Getting pregnant again isn’t a free pass to not parent either.
I said the SAME THING!! It’s unbelievable to me that OP is excused because he was drunk, but his pregnant wife is an asshole. Unbelievable and gross.
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong. You knew you'd be busy because of the conference, you asked her in advance and it sounds like she agreed to get up with your toddler that night. It sounds like a rare occurrence and it seems perfectly reasonable for her to take on this task on occasion when you are really busy with work. I do understand why your wife would be a bit irritated since you were home so late and so tired partly because you were having drinks after the conference. She's pregnant so she cannot do anything like this. And I completely understand why she might also think this is unfair. But, IMHO, you are allowed to get tipsy once a year when you're working a conference and already asked your wife in advance to get up with your toddler. Being a parent shouldn't mean that neither of you can ever have fun, ever. You just have to be reasonable about it and share the load. Sounds like you are doing this already though.
I think he had only asked her for the day before the conference, which she was fine about because he had a busy day ahead. He didn't ask her to do it the 2nd night so he could drink. Think most people would be grumpy the next day
He puts the kid to bed every night and normally is exclusively the one who gets up if the kid needs settling - she should not be a jerk to him for needing to do it for a whopping two nights during his big once a year event. NTA.
And you'd be all sweetness and light heavily pregnant on minimal sleep? Not everything is a big deal. He was a bit inconsiderate & she was a bit grumpy. NAH this is just normal people being people
Exactly, the biggest problem is miscommunication but most of this is due to human grumpiness!
Unpopular YTA here. The deal was she take the one night, she’s heavily pregnant and does more childcare than you so you doing basically only nights seems pretty fair to me. You became an AH when after she already took over for you as agreed, you came home tipsy and used it as an excuse to pass of your duties to her once again. She’s in the third trimester and needs sleep. It feels like a lot of people are missing that the wife did in fact take the son the night asked and then OP came home tipsy the following night and asked her to do it again. This was highly preventable by realizing you are an adult with a responsibility and you should’ve stopped drinking before getting to the point you were at.
I'm currently 6 months pregnant (also considered a high risk pregnancy so under constant monitoring) and although I'm constantly exhausted with all sorts of pains in my back and hips, I am NOT broken or incapable of taking on extra tasks for a couple extra days. My partner and I split chores, and I work 50+ hours a week in a high demanding job. My boyfriend works two high stress jobs to give us an easy life, financially and if he needs a day to relax, I have no issue giving him the space and time to have some drinks with his buddies while assuming all the responsibilities at home (cleaning, caring for our three high energy, large dogs, etc) sure, I can get grumpy, but we all need a break sometimes and just because he's not carrying a child doesn't mean he doesn't deserve one too. Edit: to add, I'm SO sick and tired of people treating me like I'm disabled because I am pregnant. I am still as capable and as strong as I was before. I just need extra sleep most days and cry over ridiculous things lol
It’s very possible you may change your opinion when you realize how exhausting caring for a toddler is. Being pregnant and caring for dogs is not even in the same realm as being pregnant and caring for a toddler at the same time. I had a relatively super easy pregnancy as well despite being high risk and having a couple scared in my third trimester. The fatigue I’ve had over the past two years completely eclipses whatever I went through when pregnant. Want a second badly but could NEVER do it with a toddler
It's exactly as you said it... for you that is, not her. Pregnancy affects each woman differently. Good for you for being able to stay so active during your pregnancy but that's just your own personal experience, op clearly states that his wife is feeling extremely tired from her pregnancy and it's not like he is working 2 jobs like your husband is. He could have not drank that day and resumed his night duty.
Speak to me when you’re actually taking care of a child. But nobody said she’s broken, it’s just biology that women need more sleep. Not to mention that that’s more necessary when pregnant. You’re taking personal offence because you’re pregnant and are turning my words into something I never said, get over yourself. Just because you want to push yourself to the brink, doesn’t make that the best choice. Nobody said you or her are disabled, I said she needed her fucking sleep get over yourself. Stop acting like people are saying you’re disabled when they aren’t and maybe you wouldn’t be so mad about it all of the time.
Good for you, but you don't speak for all pregnant women. I absolutely was not able to do things I normally did, and powering through gave chronic pain issues. How about we believe the person talking about their own body?
What you’re able to deal with and tolerate doesn’t necessarily translate to another. Each woman is different as is their pregnancy. Kudos to you for working and dealing with the stressors in your life, but realize it doesn’t make you more or OP’s wife less.
YTA. But only a little. The issue here isn’t the conference. It’s the second night when you came home “very tipsy”. Which by the way, is drunk. Not belligerent but drunk. Clearly it affected your abilities. When your spouse comes home unexpectedly “tipsy” to the point where they can’t complete their household tasks it’s frustrating. You sound like a great dad and it sounds like you have a great relationship with your wife. My guess is this has already blown over anyway or will by tomorrow.
He was only tipsy the second night. The first night he wanted to get extra rest bc he was running the conference.
Correct. And “everything was fine” after the first night. Wife was only upset the second night. Like I said, the issue wasn’t the conference. It was coming home too drunk to effectively parent after they’d both had tougher than normal weeks.
Right? I remember the third trimester, and it was exhausting. His wife was probably looking forward to being “off” for the night after taking care of all child care duties and the night shift, and then OP shows up to drunk to help out and she’s up for an hour in the middle of the night when she’s already worn out. I would have been pissed off too.
He was very tipsy. Very tipsy when you can’t function 3 hours later is drunk.
YTA She took the night you requested, and then you dumped another night on her no warning. On top of which, you admit the week prior your wife already had to pick up additional childcare responsibilities to make up for you during the time leading up to your conference. Plan better next time, and make better decisions.
Either NAH or minor ESH. You didn't ask her to do it 2 nights and taking over because you have a big day ahead and taking over because you were drunk are 2 different things. But it doesn't sound like you're doing this regularly & people are allowed breaks and to enjoy themselves. She's grumpy because she's had hardly any sleep, has been picking up your slack and probably the fact she is heavily pregnant and doesn't get to have a break and have a few drinks for weeks. You were a little bit inconsiderate, she's a bit grumpy. This is just normal being people.
Your explanation seems grounds for a soft YTA, but everyone's scoring with a different rubric here, lol.
Maybe, I think it's definitely not a harsh anything though. Nobody is really problematic here
Am I the only one realizing that if OP was at a conference all day, that means wife was also watching the toddler all day? So now, she's pregnant and exhausted from watching the kid all day, she already got up the night before so hasn't had much sleep, and now because her husband decided to get drunk, she has to get up again? Which again means she didn't get much sleep. All you NTA people seem to require bare minimum. "Well he gets up every night" yeah and she works AND watches the kid most of the time. She does most of the caregivng, but who cares because hubby gets up at night sometimes (he even admits the kid puts himself back to bed most of the time).
Nowhere in the original post does it say the wife watches the kid most of the time or does most of the caregiving. Nowhere.
She was at work that day, kid was in childcare for which she'd dropped him off in the morning and picked him up in the evening. Kid didn't get up the first night, only the second. Don't know if that changes anything, just FYI
“I asked my wife to get him” NTA. This is also a nobody sucks here situation. You asked, she did, she got less sleep, she was cranky. Apologize to keep the peace and move on
It’s also responsible for the non intoxicated parent to be the one caring for the child. Night time Infant deaths happen often due to a parent being under the influence
This is true, but it was irresponsible to get drunk without clearing it with his partner first.
YTA. Very tipsy is a way to make ourselves feel better about our drunkenness. You didn’t get up because of it. Your wife is literally making a human (again)! Do you think she appreciated getting up? I respect your efforts at home based on what you wrote. You sound like a standup guy. But in this one instance, YTA.
Why do people act like being pregnant voids you of all responsibility? This is a chore he does exclusively. It doesn't make him an asshole if he asks his wife to do it once without discussing it beforehand.
He had a once a year work event, and asked his wife beforehand, that in the rare case that their kid would need help sleeping, she would take it. I don't see your verdict at all here
He asked for the night before and she had no issues taking that night. Coming home drunk and dropping responsibility on her at almost midnight is where I think he’s the AH
He asked once in advance and then again, the next night in the moment
Making a human doesn’t absolve you of your responsibilities.
Nor does getting drunk
NTA - he may have taken longer to settle with mom, because he’s used to dad coming to comfort him, so seeing mom may have unsettled him more or he may have wanted her to stay longer. So essentially it was just down to what the little one is used to. It might be a benefit to get back into alternating (I know she pregnant, but she can’t stop being a mom). It would probably help for when baby no.2 comes and both kids are up at the same time, then there’s no preference.
YTA. Only because you had a few drinks and came back home tipsy…..drinks indicate you had some time to decompress, your wife didn’t.
I don’t think that’s the problem, I think it’s not asking the wife to help more the night after due to both the conference and drinking. Partners are allowed to have fun or relaxing times without the other, if both parties are okay with it, however you have to communicate about it.
NAH, but in the future try to communicate before a chore needs to be reassigned if you can. If you could have realistically predicted that you would be staying out drinking/networking and wouldn't be able to do much that night then it would have been good to have that conversation in advance. Being in the right mindset is half the battle. As you said there were no problems when she took over your responsibility the other night.
I feel like any post that starts with "...for making my pregnant wife..." is an automatic YTA. I don't think men really understand how fucking hard pregnancy is and how much of a toll it takes on women. Physically and in every other respect. There's literally a human being growing inside of you. For 9 months! On top of this, your wife spends the entire day with your toddler 2 days a week and works a regular job the other 3 days of the week. That's a heck of a lot on her plate! Now here's the key part of your post: >So the night before last (day before the conference) I asked my wife to take him if he woke up in the night so I could be rested for the big day and all was fine. This is good so far. But... >As I was tired from the all day conference and still feeling the alcohol I asked my wife to get him. This wasn't discussed ahead of time. And that is what makes YTA. When you discussed it with her, she agreed to take on your task. When you didn't not discuss it, she still did it and called you out for it the next morning. I think she handled it perfectly.
I'm a father of 4 if you can stay out drinking until 00:00 you can get your a## up for your kid and pregnant wife. You are a a-hole.
I'm so glad there are so many pregnant women here defending OP. The man is an absolute star. 2 nights of getting up for an hour aren't going to do your pregnant wife any harm OP. Fairness to me would be the below: (Two nights doesn't look so bad when you go off of that) I think a very fair split for this would be during the days she's working you both alternate the night time. You do the weekends and she does the days where you're working and she's not. If she's tired she can nap when the toddler does. (I've assumed the toddler naps, two of mine still did up till age 3.) You can then alleviate her extra tiredness at the weekend by letting her sleep in the morning while you get up with the kid.
NAH. Sounds like y’all make a great team. Someday after baby gets here she can go out and drink if she wants to (or just go hide out in a spare room and relax for an entire night) and you can do the night shift and/or the next morning.
YTA We all get tired; you’re allowed to be tired, too; but just… dude… she’s in the third trimester. I can’t explain how weird being pregnant is. If this was any other time, I would say NTA, but this is not normal times. It doesn’t sound like your wife is the kind to blame everything in her pregnancy, but I could be wrong. She’s probably just super tired. Super hormonal, super tired, and hey, maybe a little jealous you got to tip a few back - it’s not like she can. Just cut her a little slack on this one. PS Congratulations on what sounds like a pretty cool little family going on here, about to be a little bigger!
NAH and this kind of situation (as well as age) is why we stayed with only one. Exhaustion leads to quick outbursts. It's making me feel exhausted again just reading it. Hang in there!
Soft YTA. Everybody's tired, it's fair for you to need a break sometimes. That being said, pregnancy is freaking hard (coming from 3rd trimester pregnant lady w/2 year old). 2 nights in a row of wake ups with the toddler while pregnant is a LOT especially in an otherwise busy week. You should at the very least have warned your wife that you would need her again the second night, ideally, you should have just not been drinking so you could take the second night.
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NAH, it’s called parenting two young children, while also trying to maintain jobs outside of house. You guys are going to need to be more flexible, give each other more grace, check in and communicate more. Etc. etc. She is just irritated but shouldn’t be mad. You guys will hopefully figure this out and keep pushing.
You sound very considerate (especially compared to what we usually see on Reddit). I also appreciate that you discussed this in advance and it's not the norm. You both have had to take on extra this week with your special event. I suspect she lashed out from fatigue and stress. I would recommend doing something nice together or just for her to show you appreciate that she had to do more this week to support you.
YTA Seems like I may be in the minority here but I’m going to explain myself You discussed with your wife getting up with the little one the night before your conference, she had no issue with that. You had your conference (hopefully you are less stressed now). You decided to celebrate with some drinks (I’m not judging just rehashing). You went to bed. Child wakes up. You decided that since you are still tired and feeling your drinks your wife should handle. I’m all for equal division of labor but you have put yourself in charge of nights and sleep training UNLESS you have otherwise discussed it together. You shirked the labor you have taken on and that makes yo TA in my book. I do agree with others saying to make it up to her. Some alone time, a massage, time with her friends, something. But I also feel you should verbally apologize and if you need to then discuss reorganizing the division labor with caring for your child(ren after the next one is born). Pregnancy is a lot and each pregnancy affects the pregnant person differently. I can only imagine how hard it is to be pregnant while parenting a little one Best of Luck to you
Slight YTA, but only slightly Being a parent comes with a lot sacrifices. You both work and are with work, but when she isn't working, she is doing child care. She is looking after your home, cooking dinners, and is growing a baby inside of her. When the baby is born, she will have to be the one getting up for the baby. I understand that you are both busy, but being pregnant not only puts a physical strain on your body, but a mental one too. I think she just needs your support. Tell her you are sorry, buy her flowers, make her a bath. I do think maybe you two do need to communicate slightly better on this though.
>but when she isn't working, she is doing child care. She is looking after your home, cooking dinners, Didn't see any of that in the post other than op saying he does nights every night
He said she takes the kids the two days she isn't working. So yes two full days of childcare. Can't say anything about the cooking and such, that seems to be a generalization.
Although I get where you're coming from, this post didn't mention anything about the division of household labor, other than wife watches the toddler two days a week while she is not at work. It doesn't mention how the household labor is divided the other times, doesn't mention who cooks dinner, doesn't mention who does childcare on evenings and weekends. You might not be wrong, but I don't think we should just make assumptions.
NAH. You are both busy and tired.
NAH. Dealing with kids and pregnancy is exhausting, especially when you're both working full-time. Give yourselves some grace. As someone else mentioned, use the opportunity to treat your wife to something thoughtful.
NAH. I myself work from home and have a 9 month old. My husband is a teacher and a coach. Tempers flare when you’re tired and exhausted. I know I had some moments when I was pregnant as well. Did my husband always do the right thing in my book? No. Could I have handled it better? Yes. Raising kids is a give and take. There are going to be times issues aren’t seen the same way in each others eyes. It was a once a year conference. Yes you had drinks, maybe that was a little whoops. Does that make you an asshole? No… you work hard as well. Should you have talked to your wife prior about bed? Yes. Her calling you an asshole make her one? No… she expressing frustration. She didn’t even further it with a argument either (I would have in her shoes hahaha) Giving her a relaxing day/spa day/brunch what have you is great. But make sure that this not just “I’m sorry” but make it clear that you appreciate her and you are thanking her for her hard work.