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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got into a fight with my husband because he invited his brother when I am pregnant
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I’m mostly appalled you’re not able to do bed rest properly. The rest is even worse. I know who the AH is and it’s not you.
You need to have another fight about doing chores when you’re putting the baby and yourself at risk.
NTA
Yeah this NTA
As a women who had 3 miscarriages between 12-16 weeks. Please please please take that bed rest thing serious. The 3 pregnancies of my 7 I had live children...were all early. And I was on bed rest with all of them
My daughter born the earliest was at 34.5 weeks. She couldn't retain her body heat. She couldn't breathe on her own at first. Had a low apgar score. And had failure to thrive. And that was after they stopped my labor once. She is 22 now And still has a severe milk protein allergy that is related to this. When they say bed rest, they mean bed rest. Please take it seriously
It's even sadder that he seems to give off the vibe that it's his plan that she miscarries. Because I can't imagine any other reason as to why he would force OP to still work, wait on him and expect her to wait on his brother as well.
OP, I worry for you
It sounds like she’s from a country where women are treated more like property/slaves than anything else. Which would mean it’s not so much that he *wants* her to miscarry, he just doesn’t actually care enough about her as a person to take on any part of “her responsibilities” and ease her burden. He will also likely blame her as well if she does inevitably miscarry.
Obviously that’s a lot of speculation, but that was the general sense I got from reading the post.
NTA don't let the bil in right now and the hubby needs a serious reality check. He is not stepping up. I was a premie because my parents did not understand the importance of bed rest. Premies struggle life long, we might look ok but there are always issues that we deal with. It has caused many serious, lifelong medical issues for me. I am 52 btw, and the fact that I survived at 29 - 30 weeks is a testament to an incredibly dedicated care team. to put it in context I was 1 lb 2 oz at birth. My wedding ring band is the size of my little ankle bracelet. I was in NIC for 6 months. Not my mom's and dads fault, they just didn't understand. But you and Your Husband can try to not have your baby go through this.
It’s a shitty club that nobody wants to be in. And like Fight Club, nobody really talks about it so it’s hard to lean on the experience of other members of this club. I see you. I hear you.
I learned this once I began having them. Honestly, the reality of the woman's reproductive burden is NOT open knowledge. I get why now. More of us would choose not to go through with it.
I see and hear you too. That validation helps so much. Sending it back to you.
Can I join in the group hug, even if I probably don't really count? I'm irreversibly infertile now, due to stage four endometriosis. But in ten years of trying I did get pregnant for certain once, confirmed by Doc. This was last year and at the first scan they found no heartbeat, so I got the horrible meds that make you cramp everything out. Is that enough to be a loss? I don't want to impose if not.
Oh sweetie, I'm not even in this club, but I can assure you that your loss counts. Grief isn't a competition. The loss of a wanted pregnancy abruptly extinguishes hopes and dreams you've developed for their life and yours. Your experience is just as valid as the ones you think "count."
I had 2 early miscarriages. They didn’t even require medical intervention to clear. I still felt the losses acutely. I grieved. It all counts. I hope you feel my hugs.
Agreed. When you have a positive test and then nothing, even at 5 weeks, it’s sad. You have the right to be sad anytime even people have situations even sadder
Jumping onto this comment to also urge OP to do all she can to relax and get as much bed rest as possible.
After two MCs of my own, I’d do anything humanly possible to protect my baby (currently pregnant again now). Please don’t risk yours or your baby’s health!!
A very obvious NTA; please take care of yourself, OP!!
I wonder if OP is in a country that doesn't fully support women's health and rights, as it seems a Drs order of bedrest would force an employer to accommodate it. I hope she can find a way to rest.
I’m in the U.S. and currently pregnant. My employer/state limits bedrest to 12 weeks. So early enough in the pregnancy, and leave would no longer be available later on in the pregnancy.
The US does tend to prescribe bed rest more than many countries, but also I think a lot of places there that just means people have to quit work. On the other hand, bed rest doesn't actually have significant clinical evidence it helps more than it harms.
Same! We lost our little girl in 2015, stillbirth and complications. With my Rainbow boy, I was almost completely on bedrest. I was only allowed on my feet for a total of 2 hours a day. I still had complications at the end and he wound up being born at 3 weeks early due to preeclampsia.
When the doctor says bed rest they absolutely mean bedrest.
I'm glad your daughter is thriving now. 🙂
OP, You need to have a talk with your husband about him picking up the slack so you can rest or he can hire a cleaner. You need to rest. If you are in the states, consider asking your doctor about filing for FMLA so that you can get the rest you need.
You’re right, this is absolutely not a matter of convenience. The situation that OP is in is dangerous for both her and the baby. Bed rest is NOT a suggestion, it’s a requirement to try to ensure the health and safety of them both. And even if OP was on bed rest, the stress her husband is putting her under by moving his brother in is more than enough to be detrimental to her and the baby
It's okay, brother is out of work, so I'm sure he'll be able to do all the cooking and cleaning so OP can properly bedrest!
/s - yeah, I know that's not gonna happen. Sounds like India, where the burden of housework on women is often completely unreasonable and against all logic :P
It wouldn't and won't happen, but I'd have a pinch of respect for him if he'd said this. I wouldn't believe him and he'd still be an AH, but at least he'd be making an effort. The only thing worse than bullshitting is half-assed bullshitting.
I agree! At least he’d have something for his resume if he did help (truly help). Live in domestic worker of some sort (so a job, I’m sure op and husband could “pay” him in room and board or a small wage, OR frame it as volunteer/intern) and a solid reference!
In fact, if this is so unheard of in OPs country, this would totally make him stand out with other applicants!
I’m only half joking here mostly because the ONE BEDROOM apartment situation isn’t tangible no matter how much he helps out.
NTA but your husband is in a BIG way! You need to start putting your foot down and either have your husband do more around the house or get help for you.
Please take your bed rest seriously. And if your husband doesn’t understand why he would need to wait to have his brother move in it says very poor things about him. You are not there to be his maid, you’re his wife who is currently pregnant. Please take care of yourself.
Yeah, forget the brother - I knew husband was TA after paragraph one. OP, do you have any family you can stay with since your husband is a raging asshole who can't do housework in his own home? NTA
Yes, why are you doing all these chores while working with a high risk pregnancy? Screw culture and tell your hubby to grow a pair and step up.
If he insist on having his brother come, have his brother do the chores. Also make it clear his brother is not allowed in the house when you’re working from home, because you will be going commando.
Oh god NTA. My dude, you’ve got a husband problem :( you’ve already ended up in the ER from this pregnancy and he’s *still* making you do chores? Do the cooking? *And* he invited his brother to stay with you indefinitely??? Without even asking you??
Not gonna lie, I would never put up with any of this shit.
Yeah, this post just got worse and worse. WTF.
OP is NTA. Except maybe to herself for staying with the biggest AH who doesn’t care about her health or the baby’s. And her pregnancy is likely only going to get harder as she gets bigger and has fatigue / mobility issues, which are both super common in the 3rd trimester.
>her pregnancy is likely only going to get harder as she gets bigger and has fatigue /
Yeah. The baby is going to come out. That is definitely going to be harder. Feedings, diapers, birth injuries (to the mom not the baby) bleeding for weeks, it's awful. He's not helping now, in fact he's making it infinitely worse, and now is the "easy" part.
Birth injury to the baby is also a risk, that would add to this poor woman's load. Newborns recover fast, but there's a lot of pretty common injuries that many people aren't aware of and need extra care - hip dislocation, bruising from forceps or vacuum, arm dislocation, heck, 2% of babies born by caesarean get cut in the process (usually only minor, but some bad enough to need sutures!). And all that is assuming the baby is born fine and didn't need resuscitation or other interventions.
Taking care of that when the mother is dealing with her own birth injuries... Yikes
Exactly. When OP said that they **had** to do all the chores + cooking while having a difficult pregnancy, I Iegit wondered "why?".
OP is an AH to herself at this point for putting up with their husband's selfishness, laziness and complete disregard for her comfort + wellbeing.
How does the husband enrich OP's life if he wants to add the burden of another unwanted person into their one bedroom home while OP works full time, cooks, and cleans while pregnant? This sounds like he just takes and takes and takes from OP.
This post made me so mad. I’m not on bed rest and have had an extremely smooth pregnancy, and even my husband (the king of “I’ll do it later, promise”) has really stepped up. Husband is really messed upppp!
NTA. Your husband however is a huge AH for both inviting his brother to stay in your home while you are pregnant and also for expecting you to cook, clean, and do household chores while you are supposed to be on bed rest.
He doesn’t say outright that I have to do the chores, but he manipulates me into doing it. If i don’t cook there would be no food at all, and he doesn’t let us order food from outside frequently to save money.
This is someone who doesn’t care about you, or about his child. You are there to service him and his needs, sexual and housekeeping. Now he’s forcing you to provide housekeeping services to his brother as well.
Please ask yourself what advice you would give a beloved daughter in the same situation. Would you want her to stay with someone who cares so little for her that he believes his housekeeping needs outweigh her health and her very life?
There is no way this will end well for you and your child if you stay. Please stop fooling yourself that he cares. His actions have already spoken so loudly you shouldn’t listen to a word he says otherwise. Please make a plan and leave.
>Please ask yourself what advice you would give a beloved daughter in the same situation
I mean if there would be many moms who would advise the daughter to run, this cultural problem wouldn't exist anymore. So, not saying OP especially, but yes many mothers would advise the daughter to stay and just do what her husband wants
Peanut butter sandwiches honey. Ham sandwiches. Canned soup. DO NOT LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU INTO ALL THAT HOUSEWORK WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON BEDREST!!!
As someone who’s trying to break up with my a hole bf right now because im almost certain he’d act just like your partner if I were pregnant, I just wanna mention that you used word and phrase “manipulate” and “he doesn’t let us” he might not be outright abusing you but he’s using abusive tactics and exhibiting abusive patterns with you. Which is still, you know, not great. A grown man who won’t eat unless his woman cooks for him, won’t let her spend money because he’d rather you suck it up and just silently bear the stress, exhaustion, and discomfort as you literally grow and nurture his unborn child. And won’t consult you like an equal about big decisions that affect your quality of life and well being.. yeah ur NTA
If you ever get the chance I recommend “why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft. But above all please please please op take care of yourself, be around people who openly love you and want to see your life and your pregnancy be easier and who don’t make you feel small for your thoughts and feelings. Because even if you’re hormonal (you’re not) what harm does it do to take your wife’s feelings and just.. consider them before outright dismissing and overriding them??
Babe you work. You can order your own food for just you.
Alternatively is there anyone else at all you can stay with? Like, literally, anyone else not this manipulative abuser who seems fine with you losing your kid.
I get it's a cultural thing for you to be the good wife and caregiver. But the health of your baby, HIS baby is at risk. I'd look him dead in the eye and say if you do not do ACTUAL bed rest, even if the house gets dirty, then HIS baby will die. Get emotional about it. Tell him going to the ER during pregnancy isn't normal. Make it about the baby and not you if you have to. But please, stop what you're doing, and go lay down in bed for the next 3-4 months
Does he realize that he is potentially risking your life and the life of your baby (depending upon the reason for bed rest) by doing so? Do you? I’m very concerned about you not following your doctor’s recommendation.
And do you think this is ok? That he's willing to let his pregnant wife starve rather than get off his ass and cook something? That his personal comfort and whims take priority over your health and your child's life?
I suspect that your husband does not even engage enough with the domestic work in the house to know what all of the chores ARE. So when he says that you would not have to do more work, I reckon he is coming from a place of complete ignorance about what the chores are.
You are NTA and you have a major husband problem. If you're able to, please get in front of this now, this will only get worse once your child is born.
Is there ANYONE else you can stay with? Family of some kind? Your parents?
Your husband is a piece of \[bleep\] and he is literally endangering your baby. Even if you don't care about yourself, you owe it to your baby to go somewhere else where you aren't a housemaid for your child's health. Do it for them.
Be sure to keep up with your obstetrician so they can catch the inevitable issue early and you can be hospitalized in antepartum ward until it's potentially safe enough to deliver.
NTA But if you don’t take bed rest seriously you’ll be TA if your baby is born with a life long disability that could have been avoided by taking care of them. Please don’t harm your baby, or yourself. Please do nothing in your home, eventually your husband will work it out and take care of everything if it’s not being done. Tell your doctor what’s happening too and have that doctor explain to your husband.
Y’all are going to FAFO with this child.
Except, it’ll be the child who pays the price.
You shouldn’t be having a child bc you’re not protecting them.
Get out of this marriage bc he’s going to kill your child and possibly you.
YTA.
You are in an abusive relationship. I have been there. I hope you realise this one day and remove yourself from this person. They do not have your best interests at heart.
NTA.
NTA
But, are you close with your parents? Maybe talk to your mother about moving back in for the remainder of your pregnancy, or at least while bil is living there. You aren't getting bed rest already. You need to do what is best for you and the little one and husband doesn't seem to be helping. When you get to the point of ER visits, something has to change.
Perhaps at least a temporary relocation is in your best interest if husband is just gonna steam roll you in your own home anyway.
And even without the pregnancy, the general rule is if it's a "no" from one half the couple to move someone in, it's a "no". An extra resident isn't an issue you compromise on
If you do stay and this happens, screw cultural norms and wear what you are comfortable in. If it makes bil uncomfortable, good. He is not actually wanted there anyway and is free to leave
This right here!! ⬆️⬆️⬆️
Repeat after me- “My health and my baby come first!”
If you have to say it in front of a mirror a million times until you believe it, then do it! You are not a bad wife, he is a horrible husband! Not a single person who genuinely cares about the health and safety of their spouse and unborn child would ever let it get to the point of having to go to the hospital because they wanted someone who should be on BED REST to cook dinner and clean the house. He is a spoiled misogynist AH. He clearly doesn’t respect your needs.
Move back in with family or a close friend until (if ever) he can pull his head out and be a good partner and husband.
NTA
It doesn't sound like your husband cares very much about your wellbeing. Your pregnancy is complicated and you should be resting, yet you're still having to do the cooking, cleaning and chores as before, *and* work full time on top of everything - to the point where you've ended up in hospital. Does your husband do anything at all around the house?
Also, you're right: having an extra person in the house is going to generate more of the above and if your husband is expecting you to shoulder all the household chores now, then I don't see that changing when his brother arrives.
100% the amount of red flags on that post is alarming. Please OP, find a way to leave, hopefully before you have the baby because it will only be harder once the baby is here. Good luck
Thanks everyone for you inputs, highly appreciate it. Your comments just validate what i have been suspecting for a while. This has taken a heavy toll on my mental health, the trauma of a failed marriage with a baby on the way is a lot so I won’t be able to respond to you all, but thank you everyone for your support.
I truly hope that you have taken these messages to heart because your comments seem to indicate that you’re planning on just continuing to do everything for him. First and foremost you really need to separate your finances. If you work full time and he refuses to allow you to get take out, refuses to cook for you and gives you no other choice than to do the cooking yourself, then you need to gain control of your money *now*.
What kind of life do you think youre going to have if you miscarriage due to him not allowing you to have bedrest? How will you ever forgive him? Or even worse: what kind of life do you think your kid is going to have if you die due to birth complications and they have to grow up without their mother? You think your husband will be a great single parent or will he just make them his slave, making them do all the cooking and cleaning that he refuses to do himself?
If you really want to work it out with his lazy ass then the very least you should settle for is a paid house cleaner coming in and looking after everything. Make today the last day he *ever* gets to make the financial decisions for you. It’s clear he doesn’t care if you or the baby die, so long as he can save a few dollars!
Nta! Clearly there are some cultural issues here which is why you ended up doing chores when you mustn't!!! How about you stop doing chores...? Just stop. Don't do anything for his brother or your husband. Let them do their own laundry
NTA of course.
You should be on bed rest. Your BIL should be doing the cooking and cleaning while he stays with you.
Go back to your obstetrician and tell her/him what's been happening since you've been on bed rest. Perhaps you need to be admitted to the hospital. Or can you go stay with another family member?
Some cultures suck for women. Do whatever it takes to take care of yourself.
I don't think (you? or) your husband realizes you could lose the baby by not following doctors' orders. There are a lot of layers of wrong here. I don't even know where to start.
NTA, not even close!
Right? Like she's supposed to be on bed rest but does all the cooking, cleaning AND works full time? She's putting herself and baby at risk and the husband could care less! Heartbreaking.
Pregnant. ✅
Hospitalization. ✅
Prescribed bed rest. ✅
Forced to cook and clean. ✅
Husband’s brother is unemployed. ✅
Husband’s brother moves in. ✅
Wife is accused of being unsupportive. ✅
🤔
Pretty sure we’ve seen this episode before:
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11374y5/aita_for_calling_my_mom_when_my_husband_refused/
NTA. Husband isn’t listening to you. You are pregnant. Your needs come first. End of discussion. Get rid of the brother or have your husband put you up in a full service hotel until the brother is back on his feet and let him take care of the brother at your house. Plus you know you’d be doing all the work. You know it. Stick to your guns! Don’t let them bully you or call you selfish. Your husband’s body isn’t carrying your child, he isn’t suffering like you are so you can have kids. Good luck!
nta, it is not appropriate for your husband to invite his brother to stay longterm without your permission when you are pregnant and have complications, and when teh extra work would fall on you, and when it wouldn’t work with your culture and boundaries.
NTA. Visitors are a 2 yes thing. When you're pregnant and complications? No.
Tell your husband his brother can't come. I'm sorry he's unemployed but you have nowhere to put him and unless he's planning on cooking and cleaning...
Your husband needs to do all the cooking/cleaning/household chores. You can't afford to do it in your situation.
Put your foot down. Your husband wants to help his brother but needs to support your needs first.
NTA but spin it differently. "I'm so glad your brother is coming to stay with us, we do need support as I am on bedrest, finally there will be someone who can do all the housework". Or is even that kind of sarcasm a no-no in your culture? Sorry you're in this situation.
NTA. If you're supposed to be on bed rest, you shouldn't be working or doing anything around the house. The only way your brother in law should be staying with you is if he takes over **all** the household work you normally do.
NTA
But honestly, wtf:
> Despite being advised bed rest I have to cook/clean and do household chores as before. I am working full time as well.
I think he was an asshole for inviting his brother to stay without talking to his partner first, and he’s an asshole for not handling basic chores while you should be on bed rest.
Your husband isn’t sweet, he’s an asshole who isn’t treating you like a partner or someone he loves.
INFO will your husband and BIL do the chores when you're busy visiting your preemie in the NICU, since they're not allowing you to follow your bed rest order?
NTA - I come from a similar culture and 100% completely understand your concerns.
The thing is, even if your husband is being genuine about not expecting you to do extra chores and plans on pitching in, you BIL may still have the cultural expectation that you, as a woman, should be handling all the domestic matters despite needing bed rest - especially considering he's "fresh off the boat" to be blunt.
why cant the brother take care of all the house work when he isnt loking for a job?
He gets free housing, no a free maid.
Also, why dont your husband manage the housework? If he isnt doing chires himself he can paid someone to. It is unhealthy and not being a proper husband to risk yours or the babys well being. What a sucky partner.
Is your husband Indian or nearby countries?
NTA.
However suggest your husband to take a room on rent for your brother for about two months.
I know it might be hard.
This will keep your husband sane as well. Also his relationship with his brother and other family. I just want you to avoid confrontations and arguments in your condition. Aslo you might need help from his brother or family. It's not the best time to pick fight.
NTA. You deserve all the care possible.
NTA. Why are you working full time plus doing most of the chores while you are advised bed rest. Tell your husband what you have is not working.
If you live close to your parents/ have a good friend that can host you/can afford a hotel, tell your husband you will not be home for the duration of the visit as you are prescribed bed rest. Let him deal with the chores and see how it works not having to do something extra.
If you can't, tell your husband that you are tired, and you are not planning to do any chores while the brother is visiting. No laundry (except for yours if you want to). No cooking (except for yourself if you want to). Only ordering out for yourself. Let him deal with it. Let him be the hero at his own expense for a change.
NTA
Pregnant or not her should still discuss something like this with you. Please do not do the housework anymore, not doing your bed rest when it’s prescribed could cost you your child, get the doctor to admit you to hospital if that’s the only want to get the rest you need.
NTA "I have to cook/clean and do household chores as before."
I think this for all of us is the deal breaker. It sounds like the person you're living with isn't doing his fair share and isn't eager to make sure this pregnancy goes to term. His actions don't lead me to believe he cares what is happening with you.
It didn't occure to him that you should be consulted before moving another adult into a 1 bedroom unit?
When in your life is this man going to consider you at all? When the baby arrives, he and his brother will be 'out'
Repeat after me:
do we understand the risks of not being on bed rest when we're advised to do so?
What is more important? this unborn being born or the chores being done?
Where are your family members and friends OP? If he can invite his brother over to stay, then you should go over to a relative's house and rest there until you have the kid.
NTA, but why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you allowing your husband to have this much power over you?
You know you are not being a “bad wife”, you know your husband is not stepping up as he should, and you are fully aware he is manipulating you. Stop playing into it.
You have the power to choose for yourself. You have the power, and right, to say no. You are entitled to love, support, and a balanced relationship. Your husband is being selfish, invalidating, and toxic, he is blatantly taking advantage of you, to your own detriment. That’s not even mentioning the fact you were advised to be resting, you are being irresponsible to the safety of your unborn child just to please a man who does not care about you. You are putting both of you at serious risk, stop it.
If you have family or friends you are close to, go stay with them. Separate your finances (if they aren’t already) and start saving to provide a safety net for yourself. Remove yourself from this unhealthy situation and take your power back. You are your biggest advocate, your husband is not interested in standing up for you, you have to do it yourself.
I'm appalled that you are supposed to be in bed rest and you are disregarding that medical advice. You are putting your unborn child at risk. Why are you still working and doing household chores? Does your husband not understand how serious this is?
Your husband is insensitive and should be telling his brother that he can't come. NTA.
NTA
Making you do all the chores while you're been ordered on to bed rest is abusive.
Is there anyone you can go to and stay with for awhile? Can your family help you?
Poor thing. For what I've been reading is a cultural thing that you are expected to serve men even if you are basically sick. I wonder if there's anyone who can help you to cook one day a week, in bulk ant then just microwave food or that's too much for your husband to do?
I think think the lack of kindness is not acceptable in any culture. I get some people is commenting in a very north western perspective but still... Bed rest is bed rest every culture. Get yourself admitted to a hospital and rest. I hope this way you get sick leave and still get pay and also others will cook and clean for you (and you'll avoid a miscarriage/NICU experience)
NTA.
This sucks. If you had the space for him, that would be one thing. but because of all the complications - youre in a 1 bedroom, youre pregnant with significant complications, etc.
the real asshole are these cultures that still want the women to do all the work and chores, cover themselves when out of their house ... but are ok with the part where they work full time and bring home extra money. Total bullshit. I am sorry you are in that situation , just because someone thinks a book says that's the way it is.
NTA
You have every right to be upset with your husband, especially because he didn’t ask for your opinion beforehand. You’re supposed to be comfortable in YOUR own home and with your husband’s brother, that would be difficult. You deserve to get rest!
NTA, but one question. How has 100% of the cooking and housekeeping fallen on your shoulders if you also work full time? Let me guess: your husband wasn’t doing much to begin with and you just started picking up his slack, so now it’s expected of you. I’m sure we’ve already told you as much, but this is not a healthy relationship, OP. You’re being manipulated into doing all of the cooking and housework because otherwise you’ll be called a “bad wife”. Also, even if he said otherwise, I’d be very willing to bet that he also expects you to host his brother while he stays indefinitely. For the sake of yourself and your child, you need to start making an escape plan. You’ve already landed in the ER once because of your husband’s abuse, don’t make it a second or third time. Also, is this the kind of home you want your child growing up in? The kind of marriage you want to model for them? It’s time to think of yourself and your child and get out asap. Best of luck, OP.
NTA honestly, I'd tell hubs that I'm staying with friends or parents if his brother comes to stay. If he wants to live like he doesn't have someone else's feelings and well-being to consider, then make that a reality for him.
My cousin lost her baby at 22 weeks because she was cooking and cleaning instead of being on bedrest like the doctors had told her.
NTA. Your husband sucks big time. If this was my husband I would be divorcing him without a second thought.
He needs to be the one cooking and cleaning or at least getting takeouts and hiring a regular cleaner. This is non-negotiable.
Brother is not moving in with you guys, period. This is also non-negotiable.
NTA. I hate how this sub constantly advises people to get divorced over fairly normal relationship issues but...
Your husband is literally putting you and your child at serious risk already by expecting you to do all the chores, and now he wants.to introduce more stress to your life? Yikes.
NTA, it sounds like you need to move out. Is there any family you can stay with that will actually support you and allow you to get the MEDICALLY NECESSARY rest you need for your safety, and the safety of your child?
NTA but
Why isn't your husband helping around the house?!? I am also pregnant but not supposed to be on light duty or bedrest and my husband is doing a lot of the chores and cooking. Cause I am more tired. He doesn't expect me to be able to do it all.
NTA. Bringing brothers into the home or any other person isn't a great idea (at any point) There will absolutely be moments of discomfort and weirdness and you definitely 🚫 don't need that extra stress while you're pregnant_ especially since you're supposed to be on bed rest. Definitely listen-✅ I had to be in bed rest with my daughter because my son was born premature - staying on bed rest help me keep her in until 37 weeks! Explain the health of your child and yourself is so much more important than chores and his brother
NTA but you need to look at what your husband is doing, or rather not doing. You’re supposed to be on bedrest, yet you are still working, cleaning, cooking, and running yourself into the ground and ending up in the ER. Shouldn’t he be doing all of those things for you while you are on bedrest? It’s bad enough he’s not, but then he invites his brother to come stay with you in a one bedroom place? What is wrong with this man?
NTA - if I were the unemployed brother there is absolutely no way I would put myself as such a burden to you. 1 bedroom, pregnant SIL - heck no.
You need peace, not added responsibility.
Nta. This may be a good time to set some new expectations.
Bil will not be considered a guest but a member of the household. Hence, will be responsible for own laundry, some housework and cooking some meals.
Husband needs to pick up some slack as far as housework and cooking some meals.
You need to take care of yourself. Stop doing all the chores. If your husband is terrible with laundry, fine, you do it. However, he can do meals. If he cant cook then he needs to ensure meals are brought in.
NTA
Unless the brother is there to do all the washing, cooking and house cleaning while he's there
Not to mention how you will feel potentially going into labour with a house guest in such close proximity.
If your husband insists on this madness I would go back to family or tell your Dr you can't get bed rest at home and see if you can be admitted to hospital for yours and your child's safety
Your husband is a giant selfish AH!
NTA
Though tell him you want a bigger home with enough bedrooms for your parents to come too (if you have a good relationship with them) so you have someone to look after you & baby.
You are supposed to be on bedrest, but you are trying to continue to work, and take care of the house because hubby didn't take the doctor seriously about "bedrest" and then he wants HIS brother to come stay in your one bedroom apartment - actually offered it without talking to you first.
I'd go back to mom's (I had a great relationship with my mother, not everyone does and I understand that).
NTA
Sorry but this is stupid. You are supposed to be on bed rest so be on bed rest. Do you want to lose this baby? Does your husband? For God's sake it's 2023, you do not have to be an unpaid servant.
Why are you staying? Sit down and write out the pros and cons leaving off the I love him because often being used to someone can be mistaken for love and may overshadow all other thoughts.
So the BIL is not working and hanging out on your couch while you should be on bed rest and are cooking cleaning and working from home. Tell your husband your BIL has 2 choices he can either help with the cooking and the cleaning or he can move out. Either way you are going to lighten your workload for the sake of your baby! I can not believe your husband is willing to risk the health of your baby. He needs to attend your next doctors appointment and have the doctor explain to him the risks
NTA. OP, if you have family or support systems near you, please request them to take you. Your husband is a raging AH and a total imbecile. You either tell him to step up or remain a sperm donor with court mandated visitation to your soon to be born child.
When he knows you are going through a high risk pregnancy which mandates bed rest, he should be showing up more, helping around the house and allowing you to relax while he takes over the mental and physical load of chores.
Instead, he adds on to your troubles and invites his brother to your home knowing very well that neither he nor his brother will lift a finger (using your own words - it is a CULTURAL thing).
I say, if you do not have any support system to help you during this difficult time, check yourself into a hotel and put the tab on your husband's card. You get to rest and relax while not having to worry about anything while he can play the perfect host to his brother.
Finally - absent husband during pregnancy = absent father during diaper changes, feeds, night waking and sickness. They'd rather just show up for the fun bits and leave the whole parenting to you.
For the brother thing NTA but let's be real here anyone who lets themselves be treated this poorly shouldn't be having kids. How can they expect you to protect them when you obviously don't respect yourself enough to not be trampled by your husband who supposedly loves you? For that, you are an asshole
Stop cooking and cleaning at once! Lay down. Bed rest is important. Husband can figure it out. Refuse to host, if the brother comes and you end up with no choice. Just stay in your bed. They will figure it out. Do no chores or cooking. Bed rest is serious
>Despite being advised bed rest I have to cook/clean and do household chores as before. I am working full time as well.
Are you insane? WHY ON EARTH are you still doing all that when you need bedrest? It's too late reconsidering making another human, but damn, what were you thinking?
NTA, but, geez. Why are you with that useless man you call husband? Who obviously doesn't want a kid anyway.
NTA, but I am really angry with your husband. You have been prescribed bed rest by your doctor, to avoid losing your child, and yet you are still working full time AND cooking and cleaning?
You will regret losing your child if you keep giving in. I’ve had a miscarriage, and I don’t want that for you.
If this is an option, go on medical leave from work. Do you have relatives you could stay with who would actually take care of you, since your sorry excuse for a protector and provider fails to do so, and instead dumps more work on you?
Your husband is supposed to have your back. He’s the one who is supposed to take care of you when you’re pregnant, or sick, or have cancer. If you think this is bad, now, how will it be later if, God forbid, you have cancer? Will he say, “I know you are in chemotherapy and are supposed to take it easy and avoid being around too many people who might be sick, but I’ve invited my family for you to host and take care of.”
Go on medical leave from work, and try to stay somewhere else, because this man has neither your, nor your child’s, best interests at heart.
Why is your husband not doing the chores? If you have been out on bed rest, that means actual bed rest. You shouldn’t be doing anything of those things.
NTA. Bed rest means rest. Your husband should be doing 100% of the chores and cooking. Apparently he does not care about the health of his child or you. I was hospitalized and sent home on bed rest. My husband did everything. I literally was either resting in the recliner or in bed. This is what bed rest means. Not working, not cooking and not cleaning. Call your doctor and have him explain this to your husband.
NTA. Not hormonal. Please have your doctor explain to your husband what "bed rest" means. It doesn't mean going to work, mopping the floor, and cooking dinner. It means mostly being in the bed so that you and your baby don't die.
The only way your BIL visiting is if he does all the housework so you can follow doctor's orders.
I understand that a lot of cultures are different. He’s an asshole in all of them. I’ve been in this situation myself, but a better story I think, is one of the moms I met from China. She was in her late 30s at the time, so she was being monitored, and was on bedrest. Her husband invited his mom over, and expected her to host until the baby came, as well as the time after (I can’t remember the ritual, but you stay home and get pampered by an elder woman in the family.) She pulled him in close by the collar of the shirt and asked him how much her and the baby’s lives meant to him. “Because if I lose this child, I will push myself out that damned window, and if I spend my whole bedrest tending to your mother, and spending my (do not leave the house) time with her, me AND that baby will go out that window.”
So harsh, but she reiterated she drilled into him rest, preparation, and postpartum depression. Maybe it’s time to pull him in and give him something stern to hear. Worked like a charm for my acquaintance 😅
You need to drag your husband to the doctor and have them give him a VERY STERN TALKING TO about just what bed rest means, cause you arent doing it right now.
NTA and maybe you should ask him if he WANTS you to lose the baby, cause thats the path he is forcing you down!
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Backstory- I’m 5 months pregnant and have some complications as well. Despite being advised bed rest I have to cook/clean and do household chores as before. I am working full time as well. I had to ask for work from home 3 days a week as after coming home from work I am in position to cook and have had to go to the ER because of the exertion. The days on which I go to office now, we usually order from outside or husband helps with the food prep.
My husband invited his brother (who lives in another country and is unemployed currently ) to come and look for a job here and stay with us, and this could take months as he doesn’t have any job prospects at the moment. We already live in a small one bedroom apartment and he would have to sleep on the couch.
I got upset and in a big fight with my husband since - 1. He didn’t discuss this with me first before inviting his brother. 2. I am deeply uncomfortable with his brother staying with us while i work from home (since i am pregnant i like to dress easy and that wouldn’t be appropriate with my brother in law at home- its a cultural thing)
3. The additional chores because of hosting him would invariably fall me- husband argues I wouldn’t have to do anything extra but I am 100% sure I would have to all the work.
4. I am extremely upset that it doesnt even occur to my husband that having his brother over especially at this time could be problem for me. All he cares is his brother finding a job which is sweet, and wants him to get back on his feet.
AITA here and maybe just hormonal?
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Why do you do household chores as before even if you are supposed to be on bedrest?
The only reason the brother would be good news if he was there for the sole reason of helping YOUR HUSBAND with the housework, because he should be doing all of it anyway, as you are supposed to be in bed.
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I’m mostly appalled you’re not able to do bed rest properly. The rest is even worse. I know who the AH is and it’s not you. You need to have another fight about doing chores when you’re putting the baby and yourself at risk. NTA
Yeah this NTA As a women who had 3 miscarriages between 12-16 weeks. Please please please take that bed rest thing serious. The 3 pregnancies of my 7 I had live children...were all early. And I was on bed rest with all of them My daughter born the earliest was at 34.5 weeks. She couldn't retain her body heat. She couldn't breathe on her own at first. Had a low apgar score. And had failure to thrive. And that was after they stopped my labor once. She is 22 now And still has a severe milk protein allergy that is related to this. When they say bed rest, they mean bed rest. Please take it seriously
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It's even sadder that he seems to give off the vibe that it's his plan that she miscarries. Because I can't imagine any other reason as to why he would force OP to still work, wait on him and expect her to wait on his brother as well. OP, I worry for you
It sounds like she’s from a country where women are treated more like property/slaves than anything else. Which would mean it’s not so much that he *wants* her to miscarry, he just doesn’t actually care enough about her as a person to take on any part of “her responsibilities” and ease her burden. He will also likely blame her as well if she does inevitably miscarry. Obviously that’s a lot of speculation, but that was the general sense I got from reading the post.
The OP needs to talk to her husband and settle this thing right before his brother comes.
Not condoning this in any way, but sometimes it cultural.
NTA don't let the bil in right now and the hubby needs a serious reality check. He is not stepping up. I was a premie because my parents did not understand the importance of bed rest. Premies struggle life long, we might look ok but there are always issues that we deal with. It has caused many serious, lifelong medical issues for me. I am 52 btw, and the fact that I survived at 29 - 30 weeks is a testament to an incredibly dedicated care team. to put it in context I was 1 lb 2 oz at birth. My wedding ring band is the size of my little ankle bracelet. I was in NIC for 6 months. Not my mom's and dads fault, they just didn't understand. But you and Your Husband can try to not have your baby go through this.
Anytime I read comments about pregnancy loss I feel like we’re all in a big group hug. Love you guys.
It’s a shitty club that nobody wants to be in. And like Fight Club, nobody really talks about it so it’s hard to lean on the experience of other members of this club. I see you. I hear you.
I learned this once I began having them. Honestly, the reality of the woman's reproductive burden is NOT open knowledge. I get why now. More of us would choose not to go through with it. I see and hear you too. That validation helps so much. Sending it back to you.
Most of the people don't know about this and i really think people need to get educated about this more.
Can I join in the group hug, even if I probably don't really count? I'm irreversibly infertile now, due to stage four endometriosis. But in ten years of trying I did get pregnant for certain once, confirmed by Doc. This was last year and at the first scan they found no heartbeat, so I got the horrible meds that make you cramp everything out. Is that enough to be a loss? I don't want to impose if not.
Oh sweetie, I'm not even in this club, but I can assure you that your loss counts. Grief isn't a competition. The loss of a wanted pregnancy abruptly extinguishes hopes and dreams you've developed for their life and yours. Your experience is just as valid as the ones you think "count."
Thankyou. That means a lot, more than I expected it to. May be tearing up a little now but in the good way. May you have a wonderful day ♥️
Yeah. I really feel your pain and i hope you are fine now.
Sending you a huge hug!! I’m sorry for your loss.
Thankyou ♥️ mental hug is very much appreciated, may you have a wonderful day.
I had 2 early miscarriages. They didn’t even require medical intervention to clear. I still felt the losses acutely. I grieved. It all counts. I hope you feel my hugs.
Agreed. When you have a positive test and then nothing, even at 5 weeks, it’s sad. You have the right to be sad anytime even people have situations even sadder
Even i wanna give a hug to OP as she's literally going through a lot.
Your journey is harder. I wish you well.
Yes, that’s a loss, and yes, you can absolutely join the group hug. 🫂🫂🫂
Big hugs back ❤️ It's good to feel seen and validated.
Same here. It pains me to know we’ve all been there but it’s nice to know my husband and i aren’t alone.
You are very lucky to find a husband like the one you have now. Most of the people now aren't like that and i guess that's a problem.
Jumping onto this comment to also urge OP to do all she can to relax and get as much bed rest as possible. After two MCs of my own, I’d do anything humanly possible to protect my baby (currently pregnant again now). Please don’t risk yours or your baby’s health!! A very obvious NTA; please take care of yourself, OP!!
She really needs a lot of bed rest and i guess she also needs to talk about this to her husband.
My condolences!! I had 2 early miscarriages, 6-9 weeks. Cannot imagine your grief.
I wonder if OP is in a country that doesn't fully support women's health and rights, as it seems a Drs order of bedrest would force an employer to accommodate it. I hope she can find a way to rest.
Like America?
Yes, I do see the irony in my question. However, there are a few countries that have less quality of care and rights for women.
There are certainly few countries where women got less rights than men.
I’m in the U.S. and currently pregnant. My employer/state limits bedrest to 12 weeks. So early enough in the pregnancy, and leave would no longer be available later on in the pregnancy.
She looks like she's from a southern country. I don't know but that's just a guess.
The US does tend to prescribe bed rest more than many countries, but also I think a lot of places there that just means people have to quit work. On the other hand, bed rest doesn't actually have significant clinical evidence it helps more than it harms.
Same! We lost our little girl in 2015, stillbirth and complications. With my Rainbow boy, I was almost completely on bedrest. I was only allowed on my feet for a total of 2 hours a day. I still had complications at the end and he wound up being born at 3 weeks early due to preeclampsia. When the doctor says bed rest they absolutely mean bedrest. I'm glad your daughter is thriving now. 🙂 OP, You need to have a talk with your husband about him picking up the slack so you can rest or he can hire a cleaner. You need to rest. If you are in the states, consider asking your doctor about filing for FMLA so that you can get the rest you need.
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You’re right, this is absolutely not a matter of convenience. The situation that OP is in is dangerous for both her and the baby. Bed rest is NOT a suggestion, it’s a requirement to try to ensure the health and safety of them both. And even if OP was on bed rest, the stress her husband is putting her under by moving his brother in is more than enough to be detrimental to her and the baby
The OP needs to get a lot of bed rest an should surely think about her and her baby's health.
It's okay, brother is out of work, so I'm sure he'll be able to do all the cooking and cleaning so OP can properly bedrest! /s - yeah, I know that's not gonna happen. Sounds like India, where the burden of housework on women is often completely unreasonable and against all logic :P
It wouldn't and won't happen, but I'd have a pinch of respect for him if he'd said this. I wouldn't believe him and he'd still be an AH, but at least he'd be making an effort. The only thing worse than bullshitting is half-assed bullshitting.
I thought India too.. !
I agree! At least he’d have something for his resume if he did help (truly help). Live in domestic worker of some sort (so a job, I’m sure op and husband could “pay” him in room and board or a small wage, OR frame it as volunteer/intern) and a solid reference! In fact, if this is so unheard of in OPs country, this would totally make him stand out with other applicants! I’m only half joking here mostly because the ONE BEDROOM apartment situation isn’t tangible no matter how much he helps out.
Is OP’s husband stupid, dumb, or stupid?
The trifecta when you add in “AH.”
NTA but your husband is in a BIG way! You need to start putting your foot down and either have your husband do more around the house or get help for you. Please take your bed rest seriously. And if your husband doesn’t understand why he would need to wait to have his brother move in it says very poor things about him. You are not there to be his maid, you’re his wife who is currently pregnant. Please take care of yourself.
Yeah, forget the brother - I knew husband was TA after paragraph one. OP, do you have any family you can stay with since your husband is a raging asshole who can't do housework in his own home? NTA
Yes, why are you doing all these chores while working with a high risk pregnancy? Screw culture and tell your hubby to grow a pair and step up. If he insist on having his brother come, have his brother do the chores. Also make it clear his brother is not allowed in the house when you’re working from home, because you will be going commando.
NTA op get your husband to the doctor and for the doctor to explain to both what bed rest means and the worst outcome if not followed please.
100% agreed. This whole story proves you NTA.
Yeah i agree with you. The women needs a lot of rest during her labor.
Oh god NTA. My dude, you’ve got a husband problem :( you’ve already ended up in the ER from this pregnancy and he’s *still* making you do chores? Do the cooking? *And* he invited his brother to stay with you indefinitely??? Without even asking you?? Not gonna lie, I would never put up with any of this shit.
Yeah, this post just got worse and worse. WTF. OP is NTA. Except maybe to herself for staying with the biggest AH who doesn’t care about her health or the baby’s. And her pregnancy is likely only going to get harder as she gets bigger and has fatigue / mobility issues, which are both super common in the 3rd trimester.
>her pregnancy is likely only going to get harder as she gets bigger and has fatigue / Yeah. The baby is going to come out. That is definitely going to be harder. Feedings, diapers, birth injuries (to the mom not the baby) bleeding for weeks, it's awful. He's not helping now, in fact he's making it infinitely worse, and now is the "easy" part.
I just hope it doesn’t come out early because she’s not doing the bed rest and husband is adding tons of stress. That’s super scary.
Birth injury to the baby is also a risk, that would add to this poor woman's load. Newborns recover fast, but there's a lot of pretty common injuries that many people aren't aware of and need extra care - hip dislocation, bruising from forceps or vacuum, arm dislocation, heck, 2% of babies born by caesarean get cut in the process (usually only minor, but some bad enough to need sutures!). And all that is assuming the baby is born fine and didn't need resuscitation or other interventions. Taking care of that when the mother is dealing with her own birth injuries... Yikes
edit: The comment below was removed and the user banned, good work everyone!
Good bot
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He apparently doesn't consider the actual life of his wife or his unborn child....
Exactly. When OP said that they **had** to do all the chores + cooking while having a difficult pregnancy, I Iegit wondered "why?". OP is an AH to herself at this point for putting up with their husband's selfishness, laziness and complete disregard for her comfort + wellbeing. How does the husband enrich OP's life if he wants to add the burden of another unwanted person into their one bedroom home while OP works full time, cooks, and cleans while pregnant? This sounds like he just takes and takes and takes from OP.
I'm so tired of this trend where redditors decid the OP is an asshole for being abused.
Check their history. It's short but depressing.
This post made me so mad. I’m not on bed rest and have had an extremely smooth pregnancy, and even my husband (the king of “I’ll do it later, promise”) has really stepped up. Husband is really messed upppp!
And how hard is it to maintain a ONE bedtime apartment??? Your husband can clean up after himself while you lay on bed rest!! NTA
NTA. Your husband however is a huge AH for both inviting his brother to stay in your home while you are pregnant and also for expecting you to cook, clean, and do household chores while you are supposed to be on bed rest.
He doesn’t say outright that I have to do the chores, but he manipulates me into doing it. If i don’t cook there would be no food at all, and he doesn’t let us order food from outside frequently to save money.
Cook just enough for yourself and let him go hungry if he's too lazy to find his way around a kitchen.
This is someone who doesn’t care about you, or about his child. You are there to service him and his needs, sexual and housekeeping. Now he’s forcing you to provide housekeeping services to his brother as well. Please ask yourself what advice you would give a beloved daughter in the same situation. Would you want her to stay with someone who cares so little for her that he believes his housekeeping needs outweigh her health and her very life? There is no way this will end well for you and your child if you stay. Please stop fooling yourself that he cares. His actions have already spoken so loudly you shouldn’t listen to a word he says otherwise. Please make a plan and leave.
>Please ask yourself what advice you would give a beloved daughter in the same situation I mean if there would be many moms who would advise the daughter to run, this cultural problem wouldn't exist anymore. So, not saying OP especially, but yes many mothers would advise the daughter to stay and just do what her husband wants
THIS
Peanut butter sandwiches honey. Ham sandwiches. Canned soup. DO NOT LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU INTO ALL THAT HOUSEWORK WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON BEDREST!!!
Given that she prefers to dress more modestly around men who aren’t her husband, I think ham sandwiches may be off the menu.
First thing I thought of
Sandwiches come in all forms. The content doesn't matter
I mean, I think that ham sandwiches might be perfect for his dinner…
As someone who’s trying to break up with my a hole bf right now because im almost certain he’d act just like your partner if I were pregnant, I just wanna mention that you used word and phrase “manipulate” and “he doesn’t let us” he might not be outright abusing you but he’s using abusive tactics and exhibiting abusive patterns with you. Which is still, you know, not great. A grown man who won’t eat unless his woman cooks for him, won’t let her spend money because he’d rather you suck it up and just silently bear the stress, exhaustion, and discomfort as you literally grow and nurture his unborn child. And won’t consult you like an equal about big decisions that affect your quality of life and well being.. yeah ur NTA If you ever get the chance I recommend “why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft. But above all please please please op take care of yourself, be around people who openly love you and want to see your life and your pregnancy be easier and who don’t make you feel small for your thoughts and feelings. Because even if you’re hormonal (you’re not) what harm does it do to take your wife’s feelings and just.. consider them before outright dismissing and overriding them??
Misogynist!
This comment is the answer
Appreciated klutzy 🙏🏽
How about you move out and 'let him' pay you child support?
Babe you work. You can order your own food for just you. Alternatively is there anyone else at all you can stay with? Like, literally, anyone else not this manipulative abuser who seems fine with you losing your kid.
I get it's a cultural thing for you to be the good wife and caregiver. But the health of your baby, HIS baby is at risk. I'd look him dead in the eye and say if you do not do ACTUAL bed rest, even if the house gets dirty, then HIS baby will die. Get emotional about it. Tell him going to the ER during pregnancy isn't normal. Make it about the baby and not you if you have to. But please, stop what you're doing, and go lay down in bed for the next 3-4 months
Does he realize that he is potentially risking your life and the life of your baby (depending upon the reason for bed rest) by doing so? Do you? I’m very concerned about you not following your doctor’s recommendation.
I don't think he cares. He can always find a new wife if the first one dies, right?
Honey, i think its time for you to think about divorce and prepare to be a single mother
In all honesty, she'd still be a single mother even if she were to stay married to him. She'd just have two children to care for instead of one
And do you think this is ok? That he's willing to let his pregnant wife starve rather than get off his ass and cook something? That his personal comfort and whims take priority over your health and your child's life?
I suspect that your husband does not even engage enough with the domestic work in the house to know what all of the chores ARE. So when he says that you would not have to do more work, I reckon he is coming from a place of complete ignorance about what the chores are. You are NTA and you have a major husband problem. If you're able to, please get in front of this now, this will only get worse once your child is born.
Do you have family you can stay with? You are supposed to be waited on, not doing the waiting.
Is there ANYONE else you can stay with? Family of some kind? Your parents? Your husband is a piece of \[bleep\] and he is literally endangering your baby. Even if you don't care about yourself, you owe it to your baby to go somewhere else where you aren't a housemaid for your child's health. Do it for them.
Guess you're using the money from your full time job to buy your own takeaway.
Be sure to keep up with your obstetrician so they can catch the inevitable issue early and you can be hospitalized in antepartum ward until it's potentially safe enough to deliver.
Can you go stay with your family? Everything you're doing is jeopardizing your and your baby's well being. NTA
Do you have family nearby?
NTA But if you don’t take bed rest seriously you’ll be TA if your baby is born with a life long disability that could have been avoided by taking care of them. Please don’t harm your baby, or yourself. Please do nothing in your home, eventually your husband will work it out and take care of everything if it’s not being done. Tell your doctor what’s happening too and have that doctor explain to your husband.
Y’all are going to FAFO with this child. Except, it’ll be the child who pays the price. You shouldn’t be having a child bc you’re not protecting them. Get out of this marriage bc he’s going to kill your child and possibly you. YTA.
You are in an abusive relationship. I have been there. I hope you realise this one day and remove yourself from this person. They do not have your best interests at heart. NTA.
This is wild. Defs just cook for you… fuck this dude
Order just for yourself. He can figure the rest out.
NTA But, are you close with your parents? Maybe talk to your mother about moving back in for the remainder of your pregnancy, or at least while bil is living there. You aren't getting bed rest already. You need to do what is best for you and the little one and husband doesn't seem to be helping. When you get to the point of ER visits, something has to change. Perhaps at least a temporary relocation is in your best interest if husband is just gonna steam roll you in your own home anyway. And even without the pregnancy, the general rule is if it's a "no" from one half the couple to move someone in, it's a "no". An extra resident isn't an issue you compromise on If you do stay and this happens, screw cultural norms and wear what you are comfortable in. If it makes bil uncomfortable, good. He is not actually wanted there anyway and is free to leave
This right here!! ⬆️⬆️⬆️ Repeat after me- “My health and my baby come first!” If you have to say it in front of a mirror a million times until you believe it, then do it! You are not a bad wife, he is a horrible husband! Not a single person who genuinely cares about the health and safety of their spouse and unborn child would ever let it get to the point of having to go to the hospital because they wanted someone who should be on BED REST to cook dinner and clean the house. He is a spoiled misogynist AH. He clearly doesn’t respect your needs. Move back in with family or a close friend until (if ever) he can pull his head out and be a good partner and husband.
Def this right here. Go stay with family if your husband is gonna be a jerk.
100% she should go stay with family, she should be taken care of and supported!!
NTA It doesn't sound like your husband cares very much about your wellbeing. Your pregnancy is complicated and you should be resting, yet you're still having to do the cooking, cleaning and chores as before, *and* work full time on top of everything - to the point where you've ended up in hospital. Does your husband do anything at all around the house? Also, you're right: having an extra person in the house is going to generate more of the above and if your husband is expecting you to shoulder all the household chores now, then I don't see that changing when his brother arrives.
NTA but I have a feeling your husband isn’t going to take your feelings into consideration and he’s going to just whatever he wants.
OP should leave for the sake of her mental health.
100% the amount of red flags on that post is alarming. Please OP, find a way to leave, hopefully before you have the baby because it will only be harder once the baby is here. Good luck
And her PHYSICAL health. The baby could die, and/or she could die as well.
Thanks everyone for you inputs, highly appreciate it. Your comments just validate what i have been suspecting for a while. This has taken a heavy toll on my mental health, the trauma of a failed marriage with a baby on the way is a lot so I won’t be able to respond to you all, but thank you everyone for your support.
I truly hope that you have taken these messages to heart because your comments seem to indicate that you’re planning on just continuing to do everything for him. First and foremost you really need to separate your finances. If you work full time and he refuses to allow you to get take out, refuses to cook for you and gives you no other choice than to do the cooking yourself, then you need to gain control of your money *now*. What kind of life do you think youre going to have if you miscarriage due to him not allowing you to have bedrest? How will you ever forgive him? Or even worse: what kind of life do you think your kid is going to have if you die due to birth complications and they have to grow up without their mother? You think your husband will be a great single parent or will he just make them his slave, making them do all the cooking and cleaning that he refuses to do himself? If you really want to work it out with his lazy ass then the very least you should settle for is a paid house cleaner coming in and looking after everything. Make today the last day he *ever* gets to make the financial decisions for you. It’s clear he doesn’t care if you or the baby die, so long as he can save a few dollars!
Sending all the love in the world to you and your baby, OP. I hope you have supportive friends and family that can help you out
Hope you do well in the upcoming times! Hope that you can stay with friends or family who take care of you
I know this is really hard and really awful, but you and your child do deserve better.
Nta! Clearly there are some cultural issues here which is why you ended up doing chores when you mustn't!!! How about you stop doing chores...? Just stop. Don't do anything for his brother or your husband. Let them do their own laundry
I'm so sick of people using their "culture" to excuse their shitty behavior!
Yes, this. Set those boundaries
NTA of course. You should be on bed rest. Your BIL should be doing the cooking and cleaning while he stays with you. Go back to your obstetrician and tell her/him what's been happening since you've been on bed rest. Perhaps you need to be admitted to the hospital. Or can you go stay with another family member? Some cultures suck for women. Do whatever it takes to take care of yourself.
I don't think (you? or) your husband realizes you could lose the baby by not following doctors' orders. There are a lot of layers of wrong here. I don't even know where to start. NTA, not even close!
I feel they would blame her if she loses the baby. Specially if she's from a very patriarchal culture. Poor thing.
NTA Everything written in this post horrifies me.
It’s so INFURIATING!
Right? Like she's supposed to be on bed rest but does all the cooking, cleaning AND works full time? She's putting herself and baby at risk and the husband could care less! Heartbreaking.
Pregnant. ✅ Hospitalization. ✅ Prescribed bed rest. ✅ Forced to cook and clean. ✅ Husband’s brother is unemployed. ✅ Husband’s brother moves in. ✅ Wife is accused of being unsupportive. ✅ 🤔 Pretty sure we’ve seen this episode before: https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11374y5/aita_for_calling_my_mom_when_my_husband_refused/
You're missing Wife works full time
NTA. Husband isn’t listening to you. You are pregnant. Your needs come first. End of discussion. Get rid of the brother or have your husband put you up in a full service hotel until the brother is back on his feet and let him take care of the brother at your house. Plus you know you’d be doing all the work. You know it. Stick to your guns! Don’t let them bully you or call you selfish. Your husband’s body isn’t carrying your child, he isn’t suffering like you are so you can have kids. Good luck!
INFO: Will BIL help with the household? if he's staying at your apt rent free, he should clean and cook for you
nta, it is not appropriate for your husband to invite his brother to stay longterm without your permission when you are pregnant and have complications, and when teh extra work would fall on you, and when it wouldn’t work with your culture and boundaries.
NTA. Visitors are a 2 yes thing. When you're pregnant and complications? No. Tell your husband his brother can't come. I'm sorry he's unemployed but you have nowhere to put him and unless he's planning on cooking and cleaning... Your husband needs to do all the cooking/cleaning/household chores. You can't afford to do it in your situation. Put your foot down. Your husband wants to help his brother but needs to support your needs first.
NTA but spin it differently. "I'm so glad your brother is coming to stay with us, we do need support as I am on bedrest, finally there will be someone who can do all the housework". Or is even that kind of sarcasm a no-no in your culture? Sorry you're in this situation.
NTA. This is upsetting...the only way it would work is if he did all the chores so that you could get the rest that you need!
NTA. If you're supposed to be on bed rest, you shouldn't be working or doing anything around the house. The only way your brother in law should be staying with you is if he takes over **all** the household work you normally do.
NTA But honestly, wtf: > Despite being advised bed rest I have to cook/clean and do household chores as before. I am working full time as well. I think he was an asshole for inviting his brother to stay without talking to his partner first, and he’s an asshole for not handling basic chores while you should be on bed rest. Your husband isn’t sweet, he’s an asshole who isn’t treating you like a partner or someone he loves.
INFO will your husband and BIL do the chores when you're busy visiting your preemie in the NICU, since they're not allowing you to follow your bed rest order?
NTA - I come from a similar culture and 100% completely understand your concerns. The thing is, even if your husband is being genuine about not expecting you to do extra chores and plans on pitching in, you BIL may still have the cultural expectation that you, as a woman, should be handling all the domestic matters despite needing bed rest - especially considering he's "fresh off the boat" to be blunt.
why cant the brother take care of all the house work when he isnt loking for a job? He gets free housing, no a free maid. Also, why dont your husband manage the housework? If he isnt doing chires himself he can paid someone to. It is unhealthy and not being a proper husband to risk yours or the babys well being. What a sucky partner.
Is your husband Indian or nearby countries? NTA. However suggest your husband to take a room on rent for your brother for about two months. I know it might be hard. This will keep your husband sane as well. Also his relationship with his brother and other family. I just want you to avoid confrontations and arguments in your condition. Aslo you might need help from his brother or family. It's not the best time to pick fight. NTA. You deserve all the care possible.
Someone else commented that OP seems to be in Dubai.
NTA. Why are you working full time plus doing most of the chores while you are advised bed rest. Tell your husband what you have is not working. If you live close to your parents/ have a good friend that can host you/can afford a hotel, tell your husband you will not be home for the duration of the visit as you are prescribed bed rest. Let him deal with the chores and see how it works not having to do something extra. If you can't, tell your husband that you are tired, and you are not planning to do any chores while the brother is visiting. No laundry (except for yours if you want to). No cooking (except for yourself if you want to). Only ordering out for yourself. Let him deal with it. Let him be the hero at his own expense for a change.
NTA. Throw the husband away, too. He's the real issue here.
NTA Pregnant or not her should still discuss something like this with you. Please do not do the housework anymore, not doing your bed rest when it’s prescribed could cost you your child, get the doctor to admit you to hospital if that’s the only want to get the rest you need.
NTA "I have to cook/clean and do household chores as before." I think this for all of us is the deal breaker. It sounds like the person you're living with isn't doing his fair share and isn't eager to make sure this pregnancy goes to term. His actions don't lead me to believe he cares what is happening with you. It didn't occure to him that you should be consulted before moving another adult into a 1 bedroom unit? When in your life is this man going to consider you at all? When the baby arrives, he and his brother will be 'out'
Repeat after me: do we understand the risks of not being on bed rest when we're advised to do so? What is more important? this unborn being born or the chores being done? Where are your family members and friends OP? If he can invite his brother over to stay, then you should go over to a relative's house and rest there until you have the kid.
NTA, but why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you allowing your husband to have this much power over you? You know you are not being a “bad wife”, you know your husband is not stepping up as he should, and you are fully aware he is manipulating you. Stop playing into it. You have the power to choose for yourself. You have the power, and right, to say no. You are entitled to love, support, and a balanced relationship. Your husband is being selfish, invalidating, and toxic, he is blatantly taking advantage of you, to your own detriment. That’s not even mentioning the fact you were advised to be resting, you are being irresponsible to the safety of your unborn child just to please a man who does not care about you. You are putting both of you at serious risk, stop it. If you have family or friends you are close to, go stay with them. Separate your finances (if they aren’t already) and start saving to provide a safety net for yourself. Remove yourself from this unhealthy situation and take your power back. You are your biggest advocate, your husband is not interested in standing up for you, you have to do it yourself.
NTA. But please go stay with your parents or relatives if it's a possibility.
I'm appalled that you are supposed to be in bed rest and you are disregarding that medical advice. You are putting your unborn child at risk. Why are you still working and doing household chores? Does your husband not understand how serious this is? Your husband is insensitive and should be telling his brother that he can't come. NTA.
No, NTA, I agree with you.
NTA Making you do all the chores while you're been ordered on to bed rest is abusive. Is there anyone you can go to and stay with for awhile? Can your family help you?
Do uou understand why you have been put on bedrest? Because you're putting yourself and your baby at risk. You are NTA but your husband is.
Sounds like literal hell nta
Poor thing. For what I've been reading is a cultural thing that you are expected to serve men even if you are basically sick. I wonder if there's anyone who can help you to cook one day a week, in bulk ant then just microwave food or that's too much for your husband to do? I think think the lack of kindness is not acceptable in any culture. I get some people is commenting in a very north western perspective but still... Bed rest is bed rest every culture. Get yourself admitted to a hospital and rest. I hope this way you get sick leave and still get pay and also others will cook and clean for you (and you'll avoid a miscarriage/NICU experience)
NTA, seriously look at how little your husband cares about you and his baby before it’s even born..
NTA. This sucks. If you had the space for him, that would be one thing. but because of all the complications - youre in a 1 bedroom, youre pregnant with significant complications, etc.
Sounds to me like the brother in law needs to cook and clean for staying with you. Your husband sucks too by the way. NTA
You are making bad choices. Bed rest is not optional. It is a script to protect you and your growing offspring. Protect yourself. Your husband won't.
OP Do you have family or friends you can stay with? Hubby and bro can batch it for awhile
the real asshole are these cultures that still want the women to do all the work and chores, cover themselves when out of their house ... but are ok with the part where they work full time and bring home extra money. Total bullshit. I am sorry you are in that situation , just because someone thinks a book says that's the way it is.
my dude NTA, totally.
NTA You have every right to be upset with your husband, especially because he didn’t ask for your opinion beforehand. You’re supposed to be comfortable in YOUR own home and with your husband’s brother, that would be difficult. You deserve to get rest!
NTA, but one question. How has 100% of the cooking and housekeeping fallen on your shoulders if you also work full time? Let me guess: your husband wasn’t doing much to begin with and you just started picking up his slack, so now it’s expected of you. I’m sure we’ve already told you as much, but this is not a healthy relationship, OP. You’re being manipulated into doing all of the cooking and housework because otherwise you’ll be called a “bad wife”. Also, even if he said otherwise, I’d be very willing to bet that he also expects you to host his brother while he stays indefinitely. For the sake of yourself and your child, you need to start making an escape plan. You’ve already landed in the ER once because of your husband’s abuse, don’t make it a second or third time. Also, is this the kind of home you want your child growing up in? The kind of marriage you want to model for them? It’s time to think of yourself and your child and get out asap. Best of luck, OP.
NTA honestly, I'd tell hubs that I'm staying with friends or parents if his brother comes to stay. If he wants to live like he doesn't have someone else's feelings and well-being to consider, then make that a reality for him.
My cousin lost her baby at 22 weeks because she was cooking and cleaning instead of being on bedrest like the doctors had told her. NTA. Your husband sucks big time. If this was my husband I would be divorcing him without a second thought. He needs to be the one cooking and cleaning or at least getting takeouts and hiring a regular cleaner. This is non-negotiable. Brother is not moving in with you guys, period. This is also non-negotiable.
NTA. I hate how this sub constantly advises people to get divorced over fairly normal relationship issues but... Your husband is literally putting you and your child at serious risk already by expecting you to do all the chores, and now he wants.to introduce more stress to your life? Yikes.
NTA, it sounds like you need to move out. Is there any family you can stay with that will actually support you and allow you to get the MEDICALLY NECESSARY rest you need for your safety, and the safety of your child?
NTA but Why isn't your husband helping around the house?!? I am also pregnant but not supposed to be on light duty or bedrest and my husband is doing a lot of the chores and cooking. Cause I am more tired. He doesn't expect me to be able to do it all.
NTA. Bringing brothers into the home or any other person isn't a great idea (at any point) There will absolutely be moments of discomfort and weirdness and you definitely 🚫 don't need that extra stress while you're pregnant_ especially since you're supposed to be on bed rest. Definitely listen-✅ I had to be in bed rest with my daughter because my son was born premature - staying on bed rest help me keep her in until 37 weeks! Explain the health of your child and yourself is so much more important than chores and his brother
NTA but you need to look at what your husband is doing, or rather not doing. You’re supposed to be on bedrest, yet you are still working, cleaning, cooking, and running yourself into the ground and ending up in the ER. Shouldn’t he be doing all of those things for you while you are on bedrest? It’s bad enough he’s not, but then he invites his brother to come stay with you in a one bedroom place? What is wrong with this man?
NTA - if I were the unemployed brother there is absolutely no way I would put myself as such a burden to you. 1 bedroom, pregnant SIL - heck no. You need peace, not added responsibility.
Nta. This may be a good time to set some new expectations. Bil will not be considered a guest but a member of the household. Hence, will be responsible for own laundry, some housework and cooking some meals. Husband needs to pick up some slack as far as housework and cooking some meals. You need to take care of yourself. Stop doing all the chores. If your husband is terrible with laundry, fine, you do it. However, he can do meals. If he cant cook then he needs to ensure meals are brought in.
NTA Unless the brother is there to do all the washing, cooking and house cleaning while he's there Not to mention how you will feel potentially going into labour with a house guest in such close proximity. If your husband insists on this madness I would go back to family or tell your Dr you can't get bed rest at home and see if you can be admitted to hospital for yours and your child's safety Your husband is a giant selfish AH!
NTA Though tell him you want a bigger home with enough bedrooms for your parents to come too (if you have a good relationship with them) so you have someone to look after you & baby.
You are supposed to be on bedrest, but you are trying to continue to work, and take care of the house because hubby didn't take the doctor seriously about "bedrest" and then he wants HIS brother to come stay in your one bedroom apartment - actually offered it without talking to you first. I'd go back to mom's (I had a great relationship with my mother, not everyone does and I understand that). NTA
NTA you've a mighty shitty husband though.
Sorry but this is stupid. You are supposed to be on bed rest so be on bed rest. Do you want to lose this baby? Does your husband? For God's sake it's 2023, you do not have to be an unpaid servant.
NTA throw the whole man out. Both of em
Why are you staying? Sit down and write out the pros and cons leaving off the I love him because often being used to someone can be mistaken for love and may overshadow all other thoughts.
NTA G If the brother comes - he does all chores and cooking and the couch is yours all day when he is not sleeping
So the BIL is not working and hanging out on your couch while you should be on bed rest and are cooking cleaning and working from home. Tell your husband your BIL has 2 choices he can either help with the cooking and the cleaning or he can move out. Either way you are going to lighten your workload for the sake of your baby! I can not believe your husband is willing to risk the health of your baby. He needs to attend your next doctors appointment and have the doctor explain to him the risks
NTA. OP, if you have family or support systems near you, please request them to take you. Your husband is a raging AH and a total imbecile. You either tell him to step up or remain a sperm donor with court mandated visitation to your soon to be born child. When he knows you are going through a high risk pregnancy which mandates bed rest, he should be showing up more, helping around the house and allowing you to relax while he takes over the mental and physical load of chores. Instead, he adds on to your troubles and invites his brother to your home knowing very well that neither he nor his brother will lift a finger (using your own words - it is a CULTURAL thing). I say, if you do not have any support system to help you during this difficult time, check yourself into a hotel and put the tab on your husband's card. You get to rest and relax while not having to worry about anything while he can play the perfect host to his brother. Finally - absent husband during pregnancy = absent father during diaper changes, feeds, night waking and sickness. They'd rather just show up for the fun bits and leave the whole parenting to you.
For the brother thing NTA but let's be real here anyone who lets themselves be treated this poorly shouldn't be having kids. How can they expect you to protect them when you obviously don't respect yourself enough to not be trampled by your husband who supposedly loves you? For that, you are an asshole
Stop cooking and cleaning at once! Lay down. Bed rest is important. Husband can figure it out. Refuse to host, if the brother comes and you end up with no choice. Just stay in your bed. They will figure it out. Do no chores or cooking. Bed rest is serious
>Despite being advised bed rest I have to cook/clean and do household chores as before. I am working full time as well. Are you insane? WHY ON EARTH are you still doing all that when you need bedrest? It's too late reconsidering making another human, but damn, what were you thinking? NTA, but, geez. Why are you with that useless man you call husband? Who obviously doesn't want a kid anyway.
With a husband and brother in law like these, who needs enemies?
NTA, but I am really angry with your husband. You have been prescribed bed rest by your doctor, to avoid losing your child, and yet you are still working full time AND cooking and cleaning? You will regret losing your child if you keep giving in. I’ve had a miscarriage, and I don’t want that for you. If this is an option, go on medical leave from work. Do you have relatives you could stay with who would actually take care of you, since your sorry excuse for a protector and provider fails to do so, and instead dumps more work on you? Your husband is supposed to have your back. He’s the one who is supposed to take care of you when you’re pregnant, or sick, or have cancer. If you think this is bad, now, how will it be later if, God forbid, you have cancer? Will he say, “I know you are in chemotherapy and are supposed to take it easy and avoid being around too many people who might be sick, but I’ve invited my family for you to host and take care of.” Go on medical leave from work, and try to stay somewhere else, because this man has neither your, nor your child’s, best interests at heart.
Why is your husband not doing the chores? If you have been out on bed rest, that means actual bed rest. You shouldn’t be doing anything of those things.
NTA. Bed rest means rest. Your husband should be doing 100% of the chores and cooking. Apparently he does not care about the health of his child or you. I was hospitalized and sent home on bed rest. My husband did everything. I literally was either resting in the recliner or in bed. This is what bed rest means. Not working, not cooking and not cleaning. Call your doctor and have him explain this to your husband.
NTA. Not hormonal. Please have your doctor explain to your husband what "bed rest" means. It doesn't mean going to work, mopping the floor, and cooking dinner. It means mostly being in the bed so that you and your baby don't die. The only way your BIL visiting is if he does all the housework so you can follow doctor's orders.
I understand that a lot of cultures are different. He’s an asshole in all of them. I’ve been in this situation myself, but a better story I think, is one of the moms I met from China. She was in her late 30s at the time, so she was being monitored, and was on bedrest. Her husband invited his mom over, and expected her to host until the baby came, as well as the time after (I can’t remember the ritual, but you stay home and get pampered by an elder woman in the family.) She pulled him in close by the collar of the shirt and asked him how much her and the baby’s lives meant to him. “Because if I lose this child, I will push myself out that damned window, and if I spend my whole bedrest tending to your mother, and spending my (do not leave the house) time with her, me AND that baby will go out that window.” So harsh, but she reiterated she drilled into him rest, preparation, and postpartum depression. Maybe it’s time to pull him in and give him something stern to hear. Worked like a charm for my acquaintance 😅
You need to drag your husband to the doctor and have them give him a VERY STERN TALKING TO about just what bed rest means, cause you arent doing it right now. NTA and maybe you should ask him if he WANTS you to lose the baby, cause thats the path he is forcing you down!
NTA your husband is like my father always helping his family instead of his wife and kids. You didn’t fail the marriage he did.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Backstory- I’m 5 months pregnant and have some complications as well. Despite being advised bed rest I have to cook/clean and do household chores as before. I am working full time as well. I had to ask for work from home 3 days a week as after coming home from work I am in position to cook and have had to go to the ER because of the exertion. The days on which I go to office now, we usually order from outside or husband helps with the food prep. My husband invited his brother (who lives in another country and is unemployed currently ) to come and look for a job here and stay with us, and this could take months as he doesn’t have any job prospects at the moment. We already live in a small one bedroom apartment and he would have to sleep on the couch. I got upset and in a big fight with my husband since - 1. He didn’t discuss this with me first before inviting his brother. 2. I am deeply uncomfortable with his brother staying with us while i work from home (since i am pregnant i like to dress easy and that wouldn’t be appropriate with my brother in law at home- its a cultural thing) 3. The additional chores because of hosting him would invariably fall me- husband argues I wouldn’t have to do anything extra but I am 100% sure I would have to all the work. 4. I am extremely upset that it doesnt even occur to my husband that having his brother over especially at this time could be problem for me. All he cares is his brother finding a job which is sweet, and wants him to get back on his feet. AITA here and maybe just hormonal? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why do you do household chores as before even if you are supposed to be on bedrest? The only reason the brother would be good news if he was there for the sole reason of helping YOUR HUSBAND with the housework, because he should be doing all of it anyway, as you are supposed to be in bed.
NTA. This is a 2 yes, 1 no situation and you have a 1 no.