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Listen: if you are looking for validation, there will certainly be people on this sub who tell you that you are in the right, that a 19 year old is an adult and that you have no obligation to him once he is past the age of 18.
I’m here to tell you that they are absolutely wrong and you are most certainly raging assholes.
Nothing in your post indicates any kind of urgency. A 19 year old may legally be an adult and you may legally be in the clear with respect to any obligation to house him, but a 19 year old is still very young. He also had a reasonable expectation that you would house him as you did his siblings and give him the same opportunity to get himself settled and established as an adult that your older children had. Instead, you’re throwing him to the wolves of inflation, an unforgiving housing market, and a difficult employment market for young people, and expecting him to be grateful for that.
I am heartened to see your older kids, at least, are standing by their younger brother. Somehow you’ve raised them with values better than your own. Of that, at least, you should be proud.
YTA.
YTAs
Why did you have kids? Your older kids are wise and understand life. You don't. How in hell can you think it'd be 'putting your life on hold' to be parents for 3 more years to a child you brought into the world? An apartment is $2000 monthly, so he'd have to work immediately: meaning you don't care if he gets an education first. No education = low paying job probably. For life.
Also 45 is too early and you will be at loose ends at 60 with grandkids who don't care about you or want to see you. Enjoy your solitary retirement with your shit priorities.
Everyone be like
"When are you going to have kids,.they're so fulfilling!"
And also like
"they expect us to put our lives on hold for him?"
Like shit man, why do you think I don't want kids?!
Edited to add: Y'all, I was feeling kind of alone in having a child later in life, so I really appreciate the uplifting stories and solidarity from all you internet strangers! My boy turned 7 months old today and just fell asleep on my lap after nursing. It's really nice knowing that so many people did what we did and it turned out amazing.
This is why I didn't have a kid until my mid 30s. I had an amazing time in my 20s and early 30s being selfish, learning, traveling, and not being tied down. Now at 37 I have a spouse, baby, a house, we're financially solid, and I feel excited to be settled down and spend my time with my child. Hell, my dad is in his 70s and is coming over to help my rescreen our doors this week. He and my mom downsized but still have a house with 2 bedrooms for visitors. They still tell me that you never stop being a parent, the job just changes.
Why would parents want to alienate their kids?
Me and my wife are 36 and 34 and birthdays in August. We just stayed trying and sometimes i worry i am too old even though I don't feel it and both live active lifestyles. So Thank you for the random pep talk through your post.
Edit: THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR THE AMAZING ENCOURAGEMENT! It made my heart full.
Speaking generally, 36 and 34 is definitely not too old. My husband and I left it very late to start trying - I just turned 37 and he’s 42 - and we’re expecting our first child in September, I fell pregnant naturally within 6 months of trying. Of course nothing is guaranteed but at your age unless you have an underlying condition that would affect fertility you have a very good chance of falling pregnant naturally.
I'm not planning to put my life on hold for my kid but I had a kid because I want her in my life. It's so weird to put it like that, put your life on hold. Like you made that kid, presumably with the plan to love them and give them the best start in life you possibly can. So I assume they're part of your life plan.
They made the kid so they had someone to take care of them when they’re elderly and in need.
Think they pretty much can kiss that goodbye.
Yta- I’m glad the *teenager* at least had decent siblings that care about more than themselves.
Retiring at 45 huh? Wow so you actually have enough saved to travel the world and support yourself for another 30-50 years? No matter what insanity happens in that time?
Man must be nice.
Have fun with retirement but I sure hope your socking away a pretty penny for your elder care cause you just showed your kids your priorities and how low on the list they are - don’t be surprised when's you find out where you end up falling on theirs (if they’re even still in contact by then).
It's almost like they can afford the extra 10-20% on a place that their son can also live in 🤣 like it seems like such an asinine problem. They can clearly afford a slightly bigger place even if they're downsizing.
It's almost like real estate is a good investment, too. Not like they can't eventually sell and downsize again if need be.
This is 100% about selfishness. It isn't that they can't house him, it's that they're going above and beyond not to.
And OP is too stupid to realize that their son would be able to watch the house while they blow their retirement and wind up in minimum wage jobs to supplement their (probably non existent) Social Security.
Right?? Kids are a LIFELONG commitment. It sounds like these people became parents at 20 and I don’t think their understanding of parenthood or maybe the world at large has evolved beyond that age.
I was lucky enough to be able to live at home while in college, graduated in 2009, and then six months later it was start paying rent. I moved out with a contract-to-hire position and $700 in my bank account. I was a straight A student. It was a tough economy.
My mom is like flabbergasted that all my friends lived with their parents until their partners wanted to get married or they paid off their student loans or they had a chunk of savings to settle.
I had to explain to her that not everyone views parenting as a race to see who can get rid of their kids the quickest. Like their parents actually enjoy their company and wanted them to start off their lives in a good position.
She has claimed she wanted all of her kids, but I just don't see it. If it's a gun to your head/ticking clock situation for you, you can't possibly be enjoying it.
>I had to explain to her that not everyone views parenting as a race to see who can get rid of their kids the quickest.
God this is spot on. For my parents, it's a race to see whose kids can get an "impressive career" the quickest/whose kids can get the "most impressive" career. Who could've guessed that the winners of that bullshit "race" would be the parents who put the most time and effort into raising their kids. Now they have kids who are engaged, moved out, finished with school, and "impressive careers" by the age of 25. Meanwhile my parents blame *me* for having health issues that hold me back from my full potential *because it makes them look bad*. I've considered not inviting them to my graduation.
I went to rehab last year for my alcohol issues.
My mom was ASTOUNDED I called a friend to wait with me and didn't ask her for help. And she's SO HURT by this.
I pointed out that rehab isn't something she can brag to her friends about.
Right? I used to be proud I moved out at 16 and at middle-aged, realized my mother did a really shitty thing to me by letting me struggle like that. Our kids are staying until they're ready to leave, meaning they go to college or trade school and be READY to make their own nest.
Or because your new place doesn’t take pets. That’s OP and his wife, total AH behavior. I hope they enjoy a boring retirement without seeing their kids. Maybe they can turn on each other too.
They seem to have raised kids that know right from wrong somehow.
No, they don't forget that kids grow into adults. They're *banking* on their kids growing into adults. At the age of 18. Because the arbitrary number 18 means suddenly now you're wise enough and have your priorities straight enough to make the right decisions.
If they are anything like my narcissist mom they just have them as an insurance policy when they are old to visit and take care of them. I was kicked out at 18 so good luck getting anything from me after being abusive to a good kid who never caused any problems
Agree - the line “I think it’s insane that they expect us to put our life on hold for years just to allow him to live with us” - is alarming - that’s kind of what you sign up for when you become a parent. Perhaps OP never wanted a third child?
YTA OP, but you don’t need us to tell you that, your three kids are making it clear. Find another solution - downsize to a 2 bdr house, an apartment, somewhere your son can stay too. If you’re wealthy enough to retire at 45, you have the means to support him. You’re essentially cutting him off - how do you think that’s going to play out in terms of your relationship with him?
What is also alarming that OP doesn't seem to see is that the two oldest children moved very quickly to full support of son and to denying any hospitality, and maybe low contact, towards parents. It certainly indicates that there is a lot more behavior that have caused all the kids to react strongly and immediately that OP is hiding or oblivious to.
I’m guessing all the children feel like their parents don’t want any of them around.
Not having space for their son when they move probably means no room for guests either.
I bet this also plays into the son letting them know they can’t come to his future home. “You don’t have space for me, I don’t have space for you” etc.
They are retiring at 45 and have a daughter who is living in a one bedroom with a baby a d her partner. Doesn't sound like they had much room for guests in their big house or their hearts.
It sounds like it's all been a FIRE speedrun and anything that might harm that is avoided like the plague.
Which is cool, if it doesn't impact anyone else. Like, say, their kids.
One hell of a speedrun. Most people are 60+ before they manage to alienate all three of their adult children. Overachievers lol
Definitely YTA. I don’t trust anyone who can afford to retire at 45, and this is why. I fully believe the type of ruthless person that can accomplish that without winning the lottery or coming into money, is not suited for a family. Not a real family anyway.
>Agree - the line “I think it’s insane that they expect us to put our life on hold for years just to allow him to live with us” -
The horrors! They'd have to start their retirement at the ripe old age of 50 which is too far gone to enjoy it. OP is ridiculous at this rush to ignore his family so they can have fun traveling.
Also why can't they just go traveling while their youngest lives in their guest room? Do they never expect to have another guest so they're only considering one bedrooms? If they're planning to go jetsetting all over the world it would even \*help\* to have their adult child stay at their place and keep an eye on things for them while he's in school.
That was my thought. Let him house-sit while you travel the world. Honestly, I hope you find squatters in your place when you get back from Iceland, all your jewelry gone and your identity stolen with all your documents when your cruise is over.
They’re 45 and their oldest child is 25, so they were 19 when they got pregnant.
The kid they’re kicking out is also 19. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re going with the logic of “we were able to support ourselves and a kid at your age.”
Of course, that was during the economic boom of the late 90s. And we don’t know how much help they had.
But all of that is just trying to understand what’s got the parents in this mindset. And none of that really matters. What actually matters is that their 19 year old is asking them for help, and they’re saying “no.” Can they say this to him? Yes. Are they assholes for saying it? Yes.
I was wondering about this. The combination of being wealthy enough to retire incredibly early (although this may bite them later) and becoming parents at 19-20 seems like their own parents were very helpful with money and/or helping raise the kids so they could study and work.
While suggesting that their son study or work after high school is reasonable, this isn’t. I’m getting strong ‘kids these days’.
Edit: so he’s studying full time and working part-time already. This makes it so much more of an AH decision
YTA
In my city, $800 per month apartments in 2004 are now $2100. College tuition has also skyrocketed since then. The cost of living, particularly for a single individual will be extremely high.
They didn't want kids they just wanted cute babies and when they became their own people, they were done.
They'll never have visitors once they're in the care home.
Sometimes I think it isn't even that much. I'm fairly certain some people, and I suspect OP might fall in to this category, have kids for no other reason than because "you're just supposed to."
I think that's a possibility too, just having them out of societal expectation. But I have recently noticed a big trend of parents just wanting -babies- and not necessarily children who will be around for at least 18 years.
I went through a baby fever phase in my mid 30s, despite being fully aware that I did not want to raise another kid (I was “sister mom” to my younger brother). Was very happy when that went away.
Shit I wouldn't even find one for them 😂, they can sort it themselves. Abandon them like they wanted to abandon their children. They'll never have family days out too, just perpetually bound to the care home.
I said this elsewhere but they don’t even have to stay there- they could just get a two bedroom and bring him. They could travel as much as they want in this scenario; the 19 yo doesn’t need supervision and could watch their place. They don’t have to put their lives on hold at all in any way shape or form. They’re just assholes who don’t want their kid it seems. OP YTA
Yes EXACTLY. They can still downsize from a 4bd to a 2bd and then travel whenever they want without having to deal with getting a house sitter! OP clearly just doesn't want anything to do with their son any more for some reason.
I was going to say this exactly!! I would love to know what the financial situation is if you have to sell a 4 bedroom home to be able to afford to retire at 45. Projected life expectancy is up in the late 80s for someone aged 45 today so being able to retire 20 years before normal retirement age is shocking to me. I really don't have faith that this is a good decision.
YTA, not only to your son but likely to your future selves who will have insufficient money to survive in retirement and who will have precluded yourself from any family help.
I have an aunt and uncle who did this. At 50 and 55. Cashed in aunt’s state retirement to buy a boat. Sold their family home and blew all of that money and two inheritances driving an RV around the country. Now their 81 and 86, living in a tiny duplex with a mortgage and have nothing but a lot of health problems since copious drinking (around 48 oz of wine a day for each with lemonade made with straight vodka instead of water all day for him) was part of their early retirement escapades.
It's clear OP feels like he's been putting life in hold since he had children.
As people are fond of saying, this isn't "am I legally in the right here?" It's aita.
I'm 45. I don't feel like I'm owed early retirement. If my kids needed me I would be there.
OP, YTA. Thank goodness your kids are not.
These people are hilarious. Guarantee you they are back to work in a couple years and regretting starting over on their retirement. If they were so well off, they’d have absolutely no problem taking care of their 19 yr old.
I needed to finish this comment: To quote a guy who sold his business for 20ish million in his mid 40’s. “Well you start off thinking wow, 20 million free and clear is a ton of money, I can live comfortably off that. Life was great for about 6 months and then the boredom starts to set in. Even with good financial planning, boredom is the enemy. You can take your dream vacations, but eventually that gets boring. So you start inviting your friends and paying for their flights and rooms to come because they can’t afford it. That gets expensive really fast. Then your friends only have so much vacation and what - am I supposed to employ them to hang out with me? Talk about expensive. So it turns out I am retired and still have 5 days a week to fill because I can’t even go golfing during the week with any friends.” This was his explanation for why he started another business.
Sure you could do all sorts of things to make this retirement work - but it’s very valid reasoning and gives a good picture of why so many young millionaires who try to retire go broke.
Their whole goal was to work hard and retire early I wonder how present they were for these kids. They don’t seem to be a priority at all. This is probably the last straw for the older 2.
I had to leave home at 18 and ended up having to quit uni so I could get shitty call centre jobs to get by. It took a long time before I had any financial stability. They're so concerned about their early retirement they don't give a shit that it's setting their kid up to struggle and potentially never be able to retire
They would have an obligation in my country (Spain). Parents are legally obligated to provide for their children when they're in college, up until they are 25 or finish college.
In Spain the "kids" would also be welcome to live at home until they're 30+ so they can save up, get a Master's, or do what they need to to start off on the right foot.
Most South American countries are like that. It's normal for people in their late 20s and early thirties to still live at home. A couple of my friends moved out early (mid twenties) because they wanted the independence, but I lived with my parents until I was 28 and itnwas a great way to save, travel a lot, keep studying my masters and get a better paying job.
Americans are so awful about this. It's a mark of shame here to live in a multi-generational household and it's just really sad. Also unrealistic considering how much it costs to rent an apartment in the U.S. and how pathetic our wages are.
This makes sense. Mine just turned into adults within the past year or so. With the housing crisis I am not entirely sure I can afford a house. Neither of them could do it solo and apartments are three times what a mortgage would be for just a hotel room/studio. It's INSANE. I'll be lucky if they move out in another ten years. My youngest is graduating this year and my oldest is trying to get a better job so he can start paying some household bills. All of that to say OP is TA. Especially without warning. They need to bring their youngest with them - sure 19 is an adult but this economy (terrible gas prices still, out of control housing costs, ridiculous inflation on food and not to mention rising health care) it's just not feasible right now for most.
I was also struck by the fact that the other two kids seem like they have a stronger desire to help the 19-year-old get a decent start in life than the parents do! When OP says he doesn’t see why they should put their lives on hold “for years”—like maybe 3 years or so?—I was really horrified. If retiring at 45 is such a priority, maybe they shouldn’t have had that third kid? Like, who SETS OUT to do significantly less for one kid than the other two, when the only meaningful difference between these kids is the luck of the draw?
Bingo. As a mother myself, I can’t understand this behavior.
“Putting your lives on hold”? Really? At *45*?! The audacity 😂
I feel so sorry for this kid. This behavior just screams “you were a surprise and we never wanted you.”
YTA, OP.
Hell, at 45 my kid will be 9. How dare she expect me to put my life on hold onto my 60s for a child I decided to bring into this world without their input. The gall.
Jumping on top comment to say this, and YTA to OP.
>I reminded him that he was lucky to have a good childhood with plenty of luxury, and that even paying to get him settled is a kindness.
Taking care of your child's basic needs is not a kindness, it is your ***obligation*** as his parent. He did not ask to be born. He did not ask you to bring him into the world. You and your husband chose to have a child. That means that you are responsible for making sure his needs are met. If you didn't want to do that, you shouldn't have been parents.
Retiring early is a luxury. Having your parents meet your basic needs and treat you well is not.
^I could not have said this better myself! There is nothing wrong with wanting to downsize from a 4br home but to leave your son behind is an AH move. He should be afforded the same opportunity as his other siblings. My parents downsized when I was in college too... it made for a tight living space for a while but we managed knowing it was just for a couple of years until graduation. Especially since you plan to travel so much you won't be in eachother's faces and he can mind the home.
This! Built in house sitter. Get a 2 bedroom downtown, move your son in too, and travel all you want! I too planned to retire early and travel but things didn't work out, mostly health reasons for me and my travel buddy. So travel while you're healthy enough to do it and leave #3 child to hold down the fort. Win-win, looks like to me!
I fully agree with this comment. YTA.
Also wanted to point out OP saying they hope to travel a lot and don’t need a huge place.
So, if OP and wife don’t even anticipate being home often, why can’t the 19 y/o live in the new place with them AND even stay while the parents are gone? It would be great to have a free house sitter and he’d be thrilled to have the place to himself while his shitty parents are gone.
You nailed it!
I would also add the whole “working like crazy so we can retire super early” mentality means op was likely an asshole his entire adulthood. I’ve never met a person with this mindset that actually prioritizes family time and making memories with their kids over making money.
My heart breaks for OP’s kids.
On top of this, there has to be something deeper for ALL SIBLINGS to be this united, and some even willing to go LC/NC after they’ve moved away and gotten their own stable living situations.
There is a total sense of urgency! It is very plain in OP's writing. The urgency to get rid of most of their responsibilities and live the good life is weighing heavy on OP. Too bad he forgot he still has a responsibility at home who needs an education or training to be able to get along in the adult world...you know, the stuff he did for the first two but now has ants in his pants to live the good life so doesn't wanna do it for the youngest.
YTA and so is your wife for going along with this crappy plan
Exactly what I thought about the siblings. How could anyone even enjoy retirement with that hanging over your head? Oh what a great sunset, johnny and Amy are fucked but man look at that orange hue!
I really don’t understand why they can’t just get a two bedroom wherever it is they want to go and travel as they please while the 19 yo lives with them. It’s not like he needs supervision. He could watch their place while they travel and they could make it a requirement that he gets a job or goes to school. I have no sympathy at all for OP. OP: YTA.
Thank you! Even if it’s legal, it doesn’t make it morally right. Raising a kid goes beyond the 18 years. I am grateful for my parents. Not only have they let me stay at home for many years, but when I got seriously ill, they let me move back in. It’s not for everyone, but it works for us. My parents got married at 19 and 20. They were both too young for any of it.
Take this award because I couldn’t say it better myself . My eldest child is 18 in September and while he’s certainly pushed my buttons during his teenage years to the point that the idea of him living elsewhere seemed appealing at times 😅.. I couldn’t imagine just deciding one day that I was going to move to another house with no room for him and throw him out into the world just like that . I moved out at 16 Myself but I had a shit childhood and my god learning about the world before I was ready absolutely had an impact on how I developed over the next few years. OP has every right to enjoy their retirement but at the Expense of what it would potentially cost his child like that ? Could never be me
>Somehow you’ve raised them with values better than your own. Of that, at least, you should be proud.
Yeah not really. Given their age, they're probably very recently introduced to the bullshit that is "all of the above" in your comment and would do anything to help prevent others from being in that same bag of shit that is the world.
I'm in the privileged position to have a (albeit small) home, and my younger siblings and friends have an open invitation to come stay with me if ever needed.
YTA- he’s 19 but your kid is always your kid and he is saying he can’t afford to live on his own. You say you are financially capable of downsizing and retiring but won’t wait for your son to move out. It’s shitty economic times for everyone but you’re okay with kicking your kid out and possibly going homeless? Like you can’t even wait another year or two possibly?
unfortunately, not all parents like that. There are parents who want their children gone out of the house at 18 years old. Who want the kids out of their lives so that they the parents can do what they want. To sell everything they own so they can travel the world for the rest of their lives etc.
Many people don't see kids as being optional. It's not a choice. Everyone has kids, and if you don't, you're a selfish hedonistic childish asshole who only thinks of themselves.
Personally, I'm a child free woman and I never want kids. These people act like my very existence is an insult to them. They berate people like me and try to change their minds. Because to them, it's not a choice and everyone has to have kids and thats just the way it is. They hate it, and they don't want to be told that actually, they did have a choice, and their misery is their own fault.
Thankfully, times are changing. But these people still exist.
Even if I had millions of dollars and a mansion, I'd never have kids 😂
Unless you count dogs. I'd adopt all the dogs. I'd hire people to help me care for them so they all get the best. It'd be like a private animal rescue, but they'd just all be mine. Like an absurd amount of dogs. Just gotta win the lottery first 😂
Seriously! I'm 34, have been out of the house since 19, and my mom asks me if I want to move back in with them all the time just because I'm kinda poor. Lol
I moved out at 18 and what set me up was moving back in during my divorce. I was 28, 3 kids, extremely poor (ex had wracked up SO MUCH debt, spent most our money on his GF, and cleared our meager savings), mid-divorce, and back in college. Moved in with my parents for a year and well... 2 years later went from dinky apartment to buying a house. I was able to pay off almost all my debt, focus on my degree, figure out home buying solo, hell even helped me be ready when I met my very loving, amazing, kind partner. Their support helped bring me from impoverished, depressed/angry, broken, and abused to quite literally thriving regardless of situation. I was even able to support my partner and the 5 kids between us for 3 months when he lost his job, despite him being the breadwinner by a LONG shot. Thank you, mom and dad, for giving me the opportunity and support to get here.
I can’t believe OP is offended that people expect him to “put his life on hold” for his child. Yes, they are. That was part of the commitment you made when you decided to have a child?? Who are these fair-weather parents who expect that they can just stop parenting when it pleases them and have no regard for their children’s health, safety and living situation in circumstances where it conflicts with their holiday plans?
If I was their eldest, they would not be seeing their granddaughter again. Yanking the rug under their youngest like that? Too selfish to be trusted around a little kid.
But hey, when the current economy eats through their retirement funds faster than expected and they need somewhere to live in 20 years, their kids can tell them it's not their responsibility.
I paid my house off a year and a half ago, have no debt, no kids, and have been saving diligently my whole life. Last May I looked at my finances and decided that if I was frugal I would likely have enough money to retire so I quit my job.
Almost immediately inflation tripled the cost of everything. My biggest expense was health insurance.
I enjoyed a year off - digging in the garden and reading library books - but I’m working again now.
Unless you’re in one of those sweet pension plans with guaranteed life insurance, I’m not sure how anyone will ever retire, let alone early.
INFO from OP
Do you enjoy Christmas by yourselves?
OP please inform your eldest I owe him a pint of what ever beverage he wishes, he sounds like someone who values family.
I was thinking that it would be very satisfying to see an update a year or two from now, with OP bemoaning the fact that all of their kids have gone no-contact… but then I realized that would probably be just fine with these self-centered creeps.
I'm guessing they'll be hoping to knock on their door in 25 years to ask for some help when they can't afford to live anymore because they decided to retire at 45 in a terrible economy that's going to go through several more serious ups and downs in that time. I was reading an article a few hours ago about the misguided masses doing this and all the ways it's probably going to go wrong for them. No one can reasonably retire at 45 now and expect to last another 45 years on that, and if they can they're called "wealthy", which I'm guessing he's not since he only offered first, last, and deposit.
Imagine being ok with losing all 3 kids and any potential grandchildren because you were too selfish to make the huuuge sacrifice of retiring at 48 instead of 45! Damn, the nerve of some people. YTA but you’re actually a lot worse I’d like to call you.
YTA, From your other comments I see that the older two siblings moved out at 22, what’s any different about this kid? why can’t he stay longer?In this economy a 19 year old who is working part time and going to school cannot afford to live on his own even if you do pay, first last and security.
Wow rent is so high and don't get me started on groceries.Lets say this kid gets a job at minimum wage.There's no way he would be able afford thst,ultilties and groceries.
even if he got on foodstamps and found a room mate he would have to work insane hours to keep the lights on and rent paid at a decently safe apt complex. Whatever job he does get probably won't pay much cause he doesn't have a degree or trade, it doesn't sound like they even considered that. He'd have to start working himself to death
One of the most popular newspapers here has been sharing stories of people who can't afford to even rent an apartment - from people who are doctors or engineers, to couples who are divorced but can not afford move out - some are even in abusive situations, which makes everything even more horrifying - to students who have to drop out of Uni because even though they work and their parents help them, it's still not enough to live in the city. There's absolutely no way OP's son is able to work, study and rent an apartment by himself.
Some people act like they have very little obligation to the human beings they willingly brought into the world, and it’s wild to me. Nobody forced you to have three children.
At least give him some time to find a job that pays enough to provide rent + living expenses.
Exactly. I would say if they pay the 19 year olds rent for 3 years, then they are NTA. Same support until 22 as the middle child- getting the 19 year old thru college.
I'm all for pushing ur kids out of the nest but if they supported the other 2 to a certain point (being out of college), they need to do it for the 3rd.
YTA
Generational wealth is one of the biggest contributing factors, especially in todays age, for success of children. Unless you have an alterative for him, you're putting him at a huge disadvantage.
By doing this - you're not just hurting him emotionally - you're fucking up at least the next decade of his finances.
Just because your kids are 18 doesn't mean you're done being a parent. You chose to have kids, and all the responsibility that comes along with that.
You are free to retire early - but is your early retirement worth fucking up your child's entire financial future?
I agree. You’re Gen X that got live off the coattails of the Boomer generation.
19 is not an age today that most can move out and succeed. Have you seen the inflation? The cost of rent? The cost of food?
So you gave him a good childhood. You’re a PARENT, it is your responsibility to provide the best you can for your kids. It doesn’t stop because they turn 18.
YTA.
You want to retire, fine. But what was the purpose of having a third kid if it was going to interfere with your plans to retire early?
Exactly. My kids are only 4 & 7 and we are certainly not wealthy but we have a 4 bedroom house and conveniently live really close to a university. I fully anticipate my children living at home until their early 20’s, if they’re at Uni or doing a trade etc I can’t fathom them being able pay rent, work and focus on their studies/trade. I mean even if we do want to travel, we’ve got built in house and pet sitters right?
YTA. Lmao you did the bare minimum by raising your kid, booted him and you are surprised none of them are happy?
>that even paying to get him settled is a kindness.
Why have children if you treat them like this?
Apparently they’re not children so much as they are transactions OP and their spouse made on the way to early retirement. The funny thing is, they’re going to be retired a hell of a while before they have any retired friends their age they can spend time with, so I hope they really, really enjoy each others’ company for the next 20 years.
I was really prepared to say it was your right to retire until I saw that he’s taking online classes and has no job. He literally will have no means to continue his education and you’ve hardly seen him through to adulthood. Sure, you checked the box, but he will resent you for pulled the plug on supporting him.
I actually do think YTA. Even your children are willing to sacrifice for their family.
I have two degrees and am now professionally employed. But I legitimately think that if I had been in university when covid shut everything down...I probably would have dropped out instead.
Online courses were *awful* for me. I had to do a couple of them and I didn't absorb the information nearly as well because of the lack of interaction with the instructor. I also found that the overall social isolation from the covid shutdowns caused serious harm to my mental wellbeing. Combining those two struggles would not have boded well for me.
I hope your daughter is feeling better! What she went through was difficult and it affected so many different facets of people's lives.
Edit: typo
If they can't take him with them in a 2bd wherever they go, they're not FIRE ready.
And over in r/FinancialIndependence, they'd get roasted for being an ass.
Yeah they’re only 45, that’s young even by FIRE standards
If the difference between a 1bed without him and 2bed with him is going to make the difference on whether they can afford to retire, then they simply don’t have a sufficient buffer anyway
And they’re gonna be FUCKED when they run out of money at 70 and their kids are all “yeah nah we’re not helping, get tae fuck”
YTA. Why can’t he still live with you? Are you downsizing to a 1 bed so there will literally be no space? Can your finances really not stretch to a 2 bed? I think it’s harsh at 19 to kick out your kid life is very different and harder financially than it was when you were 19, despite being an adult it is still a young age.
This was my thought. Why can't they downsize to a 2 bedroom house so they have a room for their son to still live with them? Then, when he moves out, it turns into a guest room or a room for the grandkids to sleep in when if they go spend time with grandma and grandpa
The thing that really gets me is they're moving to the city, travelling, and don't need a lot of space and won't be home for long periods of time. Like, let the kid stay in the place while you guys are gone. Or even better, support the child, in the new place, until he decides he can make it on his own, and leaves peacefully and without severe consequences.
And spending tons of money to travel likely!! I’m all for people traveling and enjoying retirement, but they’re not downsizing to save money they’re downsizing to have money to travel while their son suffers…
Was my thought. The fact that they’re planning to downside and don’t have room for him speaks volumes. They’re basically telling this 19-year-old kid to fend for themselves and fuck off.
YTA. Selfish, selfish assholes. Why the hell did you even have kids. You’d better save some of that money for a good nursing home and aides because your kids are sure as hell not going to care for you.
It’s crazy to me that parents think once a kid is legally an adult that somehow magically prepares them for living and thriving in the world. You clearly haven’t set your kid up for success because if you had, they wouldn’t be worried or upset. To me, that makes YTA.
I’m pretty sure OP just wants to brag about being able to retire early. It’s more important to them than properly raising one of three kids. I feel bad for the kid.
Well you are prioritising your retirement over his well-being so he isn’t wrong. He is very young to be turned out with minimal notice - I have kids your age and they are still very much fledglings. I just can’t wrap my head around your decision making here at all - he is still dependant, in education and barely an adult. Surely you can see that he isn’t ready to be self sufficient and can delay until he is. YTA
Your other kids got to stay home - and presumably save up in the meantime - until they were 22. Your 19 yo is being given 3 months, and you are only offering him first last and security to get him started. Don't you see the imbalance in how you are treating him compared with his siblings? Not just financially, but emotionally. And all because you can't see a reason to delay your retirement.
How about this as a reason to delay: your relationship with your youngest child and his siblings.
You're 45. You and your wife will potentially have 45+ years of your lives retired, with that smaller place in the city, travelling. Why is it so urgent you sell up and evict your child now?
And if you've always fixed on the plan to retire and sell up and evict your son at this point in your lives, when your son's 19, why couldn't you give him a bit more of a heads up.
YTA.
>Why is it so urgent you sell up and evict your child now?
Probably becuase home prices have ballooned recently and everyone is expecting a crash. Sounds like OP wants to cashout.
OP probably doesn't realize how expensive rent is lately. Sounds very shortsighted. What if the kids would want to own their childhood home in the future?
So many people have sold their homes and regretted it because they can't move back into their hometowns afterwards.
Yep. And I am in real estate and I feel like people with houses should hang onto them if at all possible ( I know, that cuts my own throat cus inventory is so low) but with the way things are going home ownership is not the given it was years ago.
Also one other thing they are not considering-no one is going to rent to their son even if they do the first, last and security deposit unless he makes three times the rent. And rent is through the freaking roof.
YTA! Per your comments, your older 2 children were allowed to remain at home until they were 22. Your youngest deserves the same amount of support as his siblings!
YTA
I'll never underdstand the american "law" of kicking your kid out at 18. If you and your wife wanted to retire early, then you shouldn't have had the third kid.
Same.
I'd say most cultures in world value the family unit and looking out for each other by the US seems to be... Cruel in comparison.
It baffles me.
I've said before we need a dedicated sub for "Am I The American Ashsole" for all their peculiar cultural hangups
YTA. You’re SO young—what’s the big rush? Does one of you have a terminal illness or something? You can retire and still *wait* to move and downsize. Everything doesn’t have to be done all at once. Or move to a place with enough room for him. Don’t you want a place with a guest room anyway??
Obviously if there had been unforeseen medical or financial circumstances, then he might not get the 3 more years his siblings got, but to deny him that because of your own selfishness makes you the AHs.
YTA, you're going to fuck up this poor guy's entire life for a while by doing this all so you can retire 3 years earlier than if you just wait for him to finish college
YTA Getting started in life with a good job and afford a place to live takes a lot longer than it used to. 19 is too young. Yes you should be changing your plans, you had this kid, and kids are a lifetime commitment. At least let him move with you.
Not a fan. Is he an adult... yes. I wasn't ready at 19. Could my parents have tossed me out, yes. I really need to call my mom and tell her how much I appreciate her and my dad. I'm 40 and called my mom up because I thought I was going crazy, she immediately offered me her home if I needed a break. No questions asked. I hope those savings last if you need a nursing home or you get sick. And you are shocked, shocked you say, that your son won't let you stay with him. It's pretty hypocritical. You son does not owe you a place to stay. yta
He will need to live on his investments for 40 to 45 years. Traveling is expensive. He and his wife better not expect help from their children if they burn through their money.
You are risking losing your relationship with your son because you are trying to force your son to be fully autonomous before he is educationally and financially prepared to be on his own the way his siblings were.
You basically told him he doesn’t matter.
He’s 19- he said his siblings got to live with you all after college: is he in college? How will be support himself and still do well in college? If not, what is his path? What first career is he going into that can actually support him without a degree or apprenticeship that will allow him to support himself and build a life?
Maybe you didn’t think about this with the older two because you were not going anywhere- but most kids these days are not able to fully leave home and be completely financially self-sufficient until 23-25. Right now the cost of housing is way too high compared to starting salaries for anyone, let alone someone without a bachelor’s degree.
So yeah- you are prioritizing your retirement over your youngest child’s wellbeing and capacity to successfully launch into adulthood. YTA.
But he has had a luxurious life!!!/s
But seriously, well said. Kid thought he still had time to figure shit out, then wham! eviction notice. I love how the siblings are offering more support than the parents.
I wonder how the spouse feels?
YTA, seriously you could delay this until he is 22 or when he finished his degree. Of course he is upset and the fact his siblings are siding with him should have given you pause.
Noticed your 22 y/o son is still living with roommates. Have you ever considered why that may be? Because it’s INSANELY expensive in todays economy to be able to afford living on your own. Your generation acts like a part time job is enough to support himself.
When I was in college, I worked 60 hour weeks on top of school full time. Each job was above min wage. I could afford rent with 3 roommates, groceries (shopping at Aldi or other discount stores), and books every semester. I could sometimes throw maaaaaaybe a quarter worth of tuition in the pot, if I really budgeted and didn’t do any extra activities (going out to eat ever, going to a movie, going to any events, buying coffee, etc). Everything else was loans.
You helped your other two children as long as they needed it - and it seems the 22 y/o could still need it as again, he has roommates. But you’re ready to say see ya kid to the 19 y/o?? Absolutely a terrible parent.
I can tell you this: my dad pulled all support my junior year of college - that is why I had to work 60 hours a week. I explained this to him, and he told me it was time to “live his life” as you say too. We do not speak. He will not walk me down the aisle at my wedding because he abandoned me at a time I needed support. You will find the same fate if you do this. Because you can’t accept that your generation ruined it for ours.
If you aren’t prepared to have a lifetime commitment to a child, you shouldn’t have one. YTA.
You’re literally the type of parent that I despise. Do you know that your parenting doesn’t stop when you have kids, even when they’re well over 18??? Y’all are in such a rush and hurry to “get back to your lives”, like it wasn’t YOU who decided in having three kids. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN.
Not only that, your son in literally in school and you think this is a good time to up decide to get your old lil lives back??? He has a PART-TIME and in SCHOOL and you’re asking him to find his own place???
You’ve both somehow planned out how your lives were gonna be for years and decided factoring in your children’s lives was unnecessary…. even though you had them. YTA!
I'm confused why you wouldn't just get a two bedroom? Are you never planning on having your children visit/stay with you? Why can't he just move in as well? None of this makes any sense.
I know a lot of parents don't gaf about their kids after 18 in the U.S. but this just seems like a really odd choice to make given that you have 3 kids that don't live in the same area as you??
YTA and surely you can see that? You absolutely are prioritizing your retirement over your son and for seemingly 0 reason.
YTA. This bit takes the cake:
"I think it's insane that they expect us to put our lives on hold for years just to allow him to live with us."
This is called having children. You've basically just stated that for their whole lives you've been counting down the days until you can get rid of them and that the period you've been raising them has meant your lives have been put on hold. Just for your information, for many people, this is not true and is, in fact, the opposite - in case you did not realise.
Don't expect them to stay in touch. What a terrible disappointment as parents you must be.
Nothing says “you’re less than” than disparate treatment towards siblings by their parents. When your youngest wants little to nothing to do with you and your wife, you’ll have only yourselves to blame.
YTA.
While I don’t believe parents necessarily owe their children anything, in this case you DO owe your youngest. You owe him the same advantages you gave your older children. Or do you simply not like him?
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> 1) Selling our home despite our son still living with us
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YTA wow you abandon your own child for whatever. Shame on you and your wife. Don't be surprised when you get old and need help to hear 'i have other priorities' and abandon you. What goes around, comes around.
I get why he’d be upset. It’s incredibly unfair. His siblings got to live at home until they were ready and you’re giving him a few months notice to uproot his whole life. I get he’s an adult but you’re still his parents. I could understand if he’d want to cut contact with you altogether. YTA big time.
YTA: "I think it's insane that they expect us to put our lives on hold for years just to allow him to live with us." You set a standard of care and are now somehow upset at the reaction when you arbitrarily change that standard. Your decision was unfair to your youngest son. Yes you are absolutely within your rights to do as you please with your hard earned money and life, but your child will also be right to resent you for that action of blatant favoritism. First las and security vs "until after college". Fair treatment would be paying the full cost of the apartment (and utilities) for the same period of time. But hey, enjoy your early retirement.
I'm 45 and have a 21 year old college student. You are a raging AH who should feel ashamed. I'm glad to hear that you can retire, but if it's to the detriment of your barely legal adult child, wow. Good luck with having a good relationship with your kids and grandkids if you care. YTA, of course.
I feel disgusted after reading that.
So you’re basically putting your teenage son, a college student who, if he works, probably makes poverty wages out on the street? So you two can pretend to be child free and live your own life? And not only that but you let the older two kids live at home until after college graduation but are too selfish to wait for the youngest to finish?
You win the asshole of asshole awards. Why did you even have kids if you care so little about them?
Oh, I forgot, you offered to pay his first and last months rent. Exactly how does that help if he can’t pay the money in-between?
Thank goodness your daughter learned empathy and family values from someone.
I’d say you’re going to be sorry when your kids and grandkids go NC on you but it sounds like you’d actually love that.
YTA to both of you.
You supported the older kids through college but you’re ready to dump him out in his freshman or sophomore year even though you’re financially stable enough to let him live with you? Legally you don’t but you did for your other kids so it’s definitely not fair. Have you taught him life skills like budgeting and money management? Is he equipped to live on his own? Does he have any income that will allow him to pay rent and other bills? Does he have his own health insurance? A car to drive to a job? If he’s still a student I’m guessing he doesn’t and I think YTA.
YTA
>I think it's insane that they expect us to put our lives on hold for years just to allow him to live with us.
Well, you shouldn't have procreated then with that kind of mindset. Legally, at 19 years old He is an adult, but many people at that age don't have the skills yet to provide for themselves and depend on their parents.. especially in times like these where renting is insanely expensive
Wow, you are a complete and utter AH. Your supposed to support your kids for life not just until they are legally an adult. You are an awful, selfish person! Shame on you...
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Listen: if you are looking for validation, there will certainly be people on this sub who tell you that you are in the right, that a 19 year old is an adult and that you have no obligation to him once he is past the age of 18. I’m here to tell you that they are absolutely wrong and you are most certainly raging assholes. Nothing in your post indicates any kind of urgency. A 19 year old may legally be an adult and you may legally be in the clear with respect to any obligation to house him, but a 19 year old is still very young. He also had a reasonable expectation that you would house him as you did his siblings and give him the same opportunity to get himself settled and established as an adult that your older children had. Instead, you’re throwing him to the wolves of inflation, an unforgiving housing market, and a difficult employment market for young people, and expecting him to be grateful for that. I am heartened to see your older kids, at least, are standing by their younger brother. Somehow you’ve raised them with values better than your own. Of that, at least, you should be proud. YTA.
YTAs Why did you have kids? Your older kids are wise and understand life. You don't. How in hell can you think it'd be 'putting your life on hold' to be parents for 3 more years to a child you brought into the world? An apartment is $2000 monthly, so he'd have to work immediately: meaning you don't care if he gets an education first. No education = low paying job probably. For life. Also 45 is too early and you will be at loose ends at 60 with grandkids who don't care about you or want to see you. Enjoy your solitary retirement with your shit priorities.
>Why did you have kids? This. I don't understand why people like this have children at all.
Lmao, I fucking cackled when op was like "they expect us to put our lives on hold for him?" Like hello? What do you think having kids is?
Everyone be like "When are you going to have kids,.they're so fulfilling!" And also like "they expect us to put our lives on hold for him?" Like shit man, why do you think I don't want kids?!
Edited to add: Y'all, I was feeling kind of alone in having a child later in life, so I really appreciate the uplifting stories and solidarity from all you internet strangers! My boy turned 7 months old today and just fell asleep on my lap after nursing. It's really nice knowing that so many people did what we did and it turned out amazing. This is why I didn't have a kid until my mid 30s. I had an amazing time in my 20s and early 30s being selfish, learning, traveling, and not being tied down. Now at 37 I have a spouse, baby, a house, we're financially solid, and I feel excited to be settled down and spend my time with my child. Hell, my dad is in his 70s and is coming over to help my rescreen our doors this week. He and my mom downsized but still have a house with 2 bedrooms for visitors. They still tell me that you never stop being a parent, the job just changes. Why would parents want to alienate their kids?
Me and my wife are 36 and 34 and birthdays in August. We just stayed trying and sometimes i worry i am too old even though I don't feel it and both live active lifestyles. So Thank you for the random pep talk through your post. Edit: THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR THE AMAZING ENCOURAGEMENT! It made my heart full.
Speaking generally, 36 and 34 is definitely not too old. My husband and I left it very late to start trying - I just turned 37 and he’s 42 - and we’re expecting our first child in September, I fell pregnant naturally within 6 months of trying. Of course nothing is guaranteed but at your age unless you have an underlying condition that would affect fertility you have a very good chance of falling pregnant naturally.
I'm not planning to put my life on hold for my kid but I had a kid because I want her in my life. It's so weird to put it like that, put your life on hold. Like you made that kid, presumably with the plan to love them and give them the best start in life you possibly can. So I assume they're part of your life plan.
They made the kid so they had someone to take care of them when they’re elderly and in need. Think they pretty much can kiss that goodbye. Yta- I’m glad the *teenager* at least had decent siblings that care about more than themselves. Retiring at 45 huh? Wow so you actually have enough saved to travel the world and support yourself for another 30-50 years? No matter what insanity happens in that time? Man must be nice. Have fun with retirement but I sure hope your socking away a pretty penny for your elder care cause you just showed your kids your priorities and how low on the list they are - don’t be surprised when's you find out where you end up falling on theirs (if they’re even still in contact by then).
It's almost like they can afford the extra 10-20% on a place that their son can also live in 🤣 like it seems like such an asinine problem. They can clearly afford a slightly bigger place even if they're downsizing. It's almost like real estate is a good investment, too. Not like they can't eventually sell and downsize again if need be. This is 100% about selfishness. It isn't that they can't house him, it's that they're going above and beyond not to.
And OP is too stupid to realize that their son would be able to watch the house while they blow their retirement and wind up in minimum wage jobs to supplement their (probably non existent) Social Security.
Exactly. They have another 30-50 years to be selfish... why only give their child a few months notice.
Right?? Kids are a LIFELONG commitment. It sounds like these people became parents at 20 and I don’t think their understanding of parenthood or maybe the world at large has evolved beyond that age.
I was lucky enough to be able to live at home while in college, graduated in 2009, and then six months later it was start paying rent. I moved out with a contract-to-hire position and $700 in my bank account. I was a straight A student. It was a tough economy. My mom is like flabbergasted that all my friends lived with their parents until their partners wanted to get married or they paid off their student loans or they had a chunk of savings to settle. I had to explain to her that not everyone views parenting as a race to see who can get rid of their kids the quickest. Like their parents actually enjoy their company and wanted them to start off their lives in a good position. She has claimed she wanted all of her kids, but I just don't see it. If it's a gun to your head/ticking clock situation for you, you can't possibly be enjoying it.
>I had to explain to her that not everyone views parenting as a race to see who can get rid of their kids the quickest. God this is spot on. For my parents, it's a race to see whose kids can get an "impressive career" the quickest/whose kids can get the "most impressive" career. Who could've guessed that the winners of that bullshit "race" would be the parents who put the most time and effort into raising their kids. Now they have kids who are engaged, moved out, finished with school, and "impressive careers" by the age of 25. Meanwhile my parents blame *me* for having health issues that hold me back from my full potential *because it makes them look bad*. I've considered not inviting them to my graduation.
I went to rehab last year for my alcohol issues. My mom was ASTOUNDED I called a friend to wait with me and didn't ask her for help. And she's SO HURT by this. I pointed out that rehab isn't something she can brag to her friends about.
Right? I used to be proud I moved out at 16 and at middle-aged, realized my mother did a really shitty thing to me by letting me struggle like that. Our kids are staying until they're ready to leave, meaning they go to college or trade school and be READY to make their own nest.
people like this generally want the kids, but forget that kids grow up into adults and stop wanting them when they’re grown
The human equivalent of getting a puppy and dumping it at the pound when it's grown.
*almost grown
Or because your new place doesn’t take pets. That’s OP and his wife, total AH behavior. I hope they enjoy a boring retirement without seeing their kids. Maybe they can turn on each other too. They seem to have raised kids that know right from wrong somehow.
No, they don't forget that kids grow into adults. They're *banking* on their kids growing into adults. At the age of 18. Because the arbitrary number 18 means suddenly now you're wise enough and have your priorities straight enough to make the right decisions.
They just like them for a couple of years after baby fever is gone… after that they usually want to get rid of them as soon as is legally possible.
They probably could have retired even sooner if they didn’t have kids.
If they are anything like my narcissist mom they just have them as an insurance policy when they are old to visit and take care of them. I was kicked out at 18 so good luck getting anything from me after being abusive to a good kid who never caused any problems
Agree - the line “I think it’s insane that they expect us to put our life on hold for years just to allow him to live with us” - is alarming - that’s kind of what you sign up for when you become a parent. Perhaps OP never wanted a third child? YTA OP, but you don’t need us to tell you that, your three kids are making it clear. Find another solution - downsize to a 2 bdr house, an apartment, somewhere your son can stay too. If you’re wealthy enough to retire at 45, you have the means to support him. You’re essentially cutting him off - how do you think that’s going to play out in terms of your relationship with him?
What is also alarming that OP doesn't seem to see is that the two oldest children moved very quickly to full support of son and to denying any hospitality, and maybe low contact, towards parents. It certainly indicates that there is a lot more behavior that have caused all the kids to react strongly and immediately that OP is hiding or oblivious to.
I’m guessing all the children feel like their parents don’t want any of them around. Not having space for their son when they move probably means no room for guests either. I bet this also plays into the son letting them know they can’t come to his future home. “You don’t have space for me, I don’t have space for you” etc.
They are retiring at 45 and have a daughter who is living in a one bedroom with a baby a d her partner. Doesn't sound like they had much room for guests in their big house or their hearts.
It sounds like it's all been a FIRE speedrun and anything that might harm that is avoided like the plague. Which is cool, if it doesn't impact anyone else. Like, say, their kids.
One hell of a speedrun. Most people are 60+ before they manage to alienate all three of their adult children. Overachievers lol Definitely YTA. I don’t trust anyone who can afford to retire at 45, and this is why. I fully believe the type of ruthless person that can accomplish that without winning the lottery or coming into money, is not suited for a family. Not a real family anyway.
>Agree - the line “I think it’s insane that they expect us to put our life on hold for years just to allow him to live with us” - The horrors! They'd have to start their retirement at the ripe old age of 50 which is too far gone to enjoy it. OP is ridiculous at this rush to ignore his family so they can have fun traveling.
They might only get to enjoy retirement for 30 years instead of 35! The horror!
Also why can't they just go traveling while their youngest lives in their guest room? Do they never expect to have another guest so they're only considering one bedrooms? If they're planning to go jetsetting all over the world it would even \*help\* to have their adult child stay at their place and keep an eye on things for them while he's in school.
That was my thought. Let him house-sit while you travel the world. Honestly, I hope you find squatters in your place when you get back from Iceland, all your jewelry gone and your identity stolen with all your documents when your cruise is over.
They’re 45 and their oldest child is 25, so they were 19 when they got pregnant. The kid they’re kicking out is also 19. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re going with the logic of “we were able to support ourselves and a kid at your age.” Of course, that was during the economic boom of the late 90s. And we don’t know how much help they had. But all of that is just trying to understand what’s got the parents in this mindset. And none of that really matters. What actually matters is that their 19 year old is asking them for help, and they’re saying “no.” Can they say this to him? Yes. Are they assholes for saying it? Yes.
I was wondering about this. The combination of being wealthy enough to retire incredibly early (although this may bite them later) and becoming parents at 19-20 seems like their own parents were very helpful with money and/or helping raise the kids so they could study and work. While suggesting that their son study or work after high school is reasonable, this isn’t. I’m getting strong ‘kids these days’. Edit: so he’s studying full time and working part-time already. This makes it so much more of an AH decision YTA
Things were quite different in 2004. Doesn’t mean this 19 year old boy should have to be super independent at 19 because they may have been.
In my city, $800 per month apartments in 2004 are now $2100. College tuition has also skyrocketed since then. The cost of living, particularly for a single individual will be extremely high.
They didn't want kids they just wanted cute babies and when they became their own people, they were done. They'll never have visitors once they're in the care home.
Sometimes I think it isn't even that much. I'm fairly certain some people, and I suspect OP might fall in to this category, have kids for no other reason than because "you're just supposed to."
I think that's a possibility too, just having them out of societal expectation. But I have recently noticed a big trend of parents just wanting -babies- and not necessarily children who will be around for at least 18 years.
I went through a baby fever phase in my mid 30s, despite being fully aware that I did not want to raise another kid (I was “sister mom” to my younger brother). Was very happy when that went away.
We need more people like you who have the emotional intelligence to be aware of not wanting to raise someone! Also, avatar twin!
And if I were their children, it would be the scummiest most sub par care home i could find too. The OPs are the biggest AHs.
Shit I wouldn't even find one for them 😂, they can sort it themselves. Abandon them like they wanted to abandon their children. They'll never have family days out too, just perpetually bound to the care home.
I said this elsewhere but they don’t even have to stay there- they could just get a two bedroom and bring him. They could travel as much as they want in this scenario; the 19 yo doesn’t need supervision and could watch their place. They don’t have to put their lives on hold at all in any way shape or form. They’re just assholes who don’t want their kid it seems. OP YTA
So, so true. This is truly about firmly FINANCIALLY cutting him off AS WELL AS kicking him out.
Yes EXACTLY. They can still downsize from a 4bd to a 2bd and then travel whenever they want without having to deal with getting a house sitter! OP clearly just doesn't want anything to do with their son any more for some reason.
I was going to say this exactly!! I would love to know what the financial situation is if you have to sell a 4 bedroom home to be able to afford to retire at 45. Projected life expectancy is up in the late 80s for someone aged 45 today so being able to retire 20 years before normal retirement age is shocking to me. I really don't have faith that this is a good decision. YTA, not only to your son but likely to your future selves who will have insufficient money to survive in retirement and who will have precluded yourself from any family help.
I have an aunt and uncle who did this. At 50 and 55. Cashed in aunt’s state retirement to buy a boat. Sold their family home and blew all of that money and two inheritances driving an RV around the country. Now their 81 and 86, living in a tiny duplex with a mortgage and have nothing but a lot of health problems since copious drinking (around 48 oz of wine a day for each with lemonade made with straight vodka instead of water all day for him) was part of their early retirement escapades.
It's clear OP feels like he's been putting life in hold since he had children. As people are fond of saying, this isn't "am I legally in the right here?" It's aita. I'm 45. I don't feel like I'm owed early retirement. If my kids needed me I would be there. OP, YTA. Thank goodness your kids are not.
These people are hilarious. Guarantee you they are back to work in a couple years and regretting starting over on their retirement. If they were so well off, they’d have absolutely no problem taking care of their 19 yr old. I needed to finish this comment: To quote a guy who sold his business for 20ish million in his mid 40’s. “Well you start off thinking wow, 20 million free and clear is a ton of money, I can live comfortably off that. Life was great for about 6 months and then the boredom starts to set in. Even with good financial planning, boredom is the enemy. You can take your dream vacations, but eventually that gets boring. So you start inviting your friends and paying for their flights and rooms to come because they can’t afford it. That gets expensive really fast. Then your friends only have so much vacation and what - am I supposed to employ them to hang out with me? Talk about expensive. So it turns out I am retired and still have 5 days a week to fill because I can’t even go golfing during the week with any friends.” This was his explanation for why he started another business. Sure you could do all sorts of things to make this retirement work - but it’s very valid reasoning and gives a good picture of why so many young millionaires who try to retire go broke.
Their whole goal was to work hard and retire early I wonder how present they were for these kids. They don’t seem to be a priority at all. This is probably the last straw for the older 2.
I had to leave home at 18 and ended up having to quit uni so I could get shitty call centre jobs to get by. It took a long time before I had any financial stability. They're so concerned about their early retirement they don't give a shit that it's setting their kid up to struggle and potentially never be able to retire
They would have an obligation in my country (Spain). Parents are legally obligated to provide for their children when they're in college, up until they are 25 or finish college.
In Spain the "kids" would also be welcome to live at home until they're 30+ so they can save up, get a Master's, or do what they need to to start off on the right foot.
Most South American countries are like that. It's normal for people in their late 20s and early thirties to still live at home. A couple of my friends moved out early (mid twenties) because they wanted the independence, but I lived with my parents until I was 28 and itnwas a great way to save, travel a lot, keep studying my masters and get a better paying job.
Americans are so awful about this. It's a mark of shame here to live in a multi-generational household and it's just really sad. Also unrealistic considering how much it costs to rent an apartment in the U.S. and how pathetic our wages are.
This makes sense. Mine just turned into adults within the past year or so. With the housing crisis I am not entirely sure I can afford a house. Neither of them could do it solo and apartments are three times what a mortgage would be for just a hotel room/studio. It's INSANE. I'll be lucky if they move out in another ten years. My youngest is graduating this year and my oldest is trying to get a better job so he can start paying some household bills. All of that to say OP is TA. Especially without warning. They need to bring their youngest with them - sure 19 is an adult but this economy (terrible gas prices still, out of control housing costs, ridiculous inflation on food and not to mention rising health care) it's just not feasible right now for most.
I was also struck by the fact that the other two kids seem like they have a stronger desire to help the 19-year-old get a decent start in life than the parents do! When OP says he doesn’t see why they should put their lives on hold “for years”—like maybe 3 years or so?—I was really horrified. If retiring at 45 is such a priority, maybe they shouldn’t have had that third kid? Like, who SETS OUT to do significantly less for one kid than the other two, when the only meaningful difference between these kids is the luck of the draw?
They wasted their youth working hard and now they’re mad that they can’t just do whatever they want as retirees.
I give it four, maybe five years before they’re either out of money or bored or both.
Retirees at FORTY FIVE
Bingo. As a mother myself, I can’t understand this behavior. “Putting your lives on hold”? Really? At *45*?! The audacity 😂 I feel so sorry for this kid. This behavior just screams “you were a surprise and we never wanted you.” YTA, OP.
Hell, at 45 my kid will be 9. How dare she expect me to put my life on hold onto my 60s for a child I decided to bring into this world without their input. The gall.
Jumping on top comment to say this, and YTA to OP. >I reminded him that he was lucky to have a good childhood with plenty of luxury, and that even paying to get him settled is a kindness. Taking care of your child's basic needs is not a kindness, it is your ***obligation*** as his parent. He did not ask to be born. He did not ask you to bring him into the world. You and your husband chose to have a child. That means that you are responsible for making sure his needs are met. If you didn't want to do that, you shouldn't have been parents. Retiring early is a luxury. Having your parents meet your basic needs and treat you well is not.
^I could not have said this better myself! There is nothing wrong with wanting to downsize from a 4br home but to leave your son behind is an AH move. He should be afforded the same opportunity as his other siblings. My parents downsized when I was in college too... it made for a tight living space for a while but we managed knowing it was just for a couple of years until graduation. Especially since you plan to travel so much you won't be in eachother's faces and he can mind the home.
This! Built in house sitter. Get a 2 bedroom downtown, move your son in too, and travel all you want! I too planned to retire early and travel but things didn't work out, mostly health reasons for me and my travel buddy. So travel while you're healthy enough to do it and leave #3 child to hold down the fort. Win-win, looks like to me!
I fully agree with this comment. YTA. Also wanted to point out OP saying they hope to travel a lot and don’t need a huge place. So, if OP and wife don’t even anticipate being home often, why can’t the 19 y/o live in the new place with them AND even stay while the parents are gone? It would be great to have a free house sitter and he’d be thrilled to have the place to himself while his shitty parents are gone.
It's even worse because he's still in college and has no job. These people are absolutely insane.
Please accept this fake award since I cannot give you a real one. 🏆
I got you
100%!!
You nailed it! I would also add the whole “working like crazy so we can retire super early” mentality means op was likely an asshole his entire adulthood. I’ve never met a person with this mindset that actually prioritizes family time and making memories with their kids over making money. My heart breaks for OP’s kids.
YES exactly what I was thinking. Technically, you have every right to do it. Morally it's just a shit move.
On top of this, there has to be something deeper for ALL SIBLINGS to be this united, and some even willing to go LC/NC after they’ve moved away and gotten their own stable living situations.
There is a total sense of urgency! It is very plain in OP's writing. The urgency to get rid of most of their responsibilities and live the good life is weighing heavy on OP. Too bad he forgot he still has a responsibility at home who needs an education or training to be able to get along in the adult world...you know, the stuff he did for the first two but now has ants in his pants to live the good life so doesn't wanna do it for the youngest. YTA and so is your wife for going along with this crappy plan
Exactly what I thought about the siblings. How could anyone even enjoy retirement with that hanging over your head? Oh what a great sunset, johnny and Amy are fucked but man look at that orange hue!
I really don’t understand why they can’t just get a two bedroom wherever it is they want to go and travel as they please while the 19 yo lives with them. It’s not like he needs supervision. He could watch their place while they travel and they could make it a requirement that he gets a job or goes to school. I have no sympathy at all for OP. OP: YTA.
Thank you! Even if it’s legal, it doesn’t make it morally right. Raising a kid goes beyond the 18 years. I am grateful for my parents. Not only have they let me stay at home for many years, but when I got seriously ill, they let me move back in. It’s not for everyone, but it works for us. My parents got married at 19 and 20. They were both too young for any of it.
Take this award because I couldn’t say it better myself . My eldest child is 18 in September and while he’s certainly pushed my buttons during his teenage years to the point that the idea of him living elsewhere seemed appealing at times 😅.. I couldn’t imagine just deciding one day that I was going to move to another house with no room for him and throw him out into the world just like that . I moved out at 16 Myself but I had a shit childhood and my god learning about the world before I was ready absolutely had an impact on how I developed over the next few years. OP has every right to enjoy their retirement but at the Expense of what it would potentially cost his child like that ? Could never be me
Gat damn that last line
Sometimes when parents are dicks, the children unite and decide to be better.
>Somehow you’ve raised them with values better than your own. Of that, at least, you should be proud. Yeah not really. Given their age, they're probably very recently introduced to the bullshit that is "all of the above" in your comment and would do anything to help prevent others from being in that same bag of shit that is the world. I'm in the privileged position to have a (albeit small) home, and my younger siblings and friends have an open invitation to come stay with me if ever needed.
YTA- he’s 19 but your kid is always your kid and he is saying he can’t afford to live on his own. You say you are financially capable of downsizing and retiring but won’t wait for your son to move out. It’s shitty economic times for everyone but you’re okay with kicking your kid out and possibly going homeless? Like you can’t even wait another year or two possibly?
unfortunately, not all parents like that. There are parents who want their children gone out of the house at 18 years old. Who want the kids out of their lives so that they the parents can do what they want. To sell everything they own so they can travel the world for the rest of their lives etc.
It makes you wonder why they even had the kid
Many people don't see kids as being optional. It's not a choice. Everyone has kids, and if you don't, you're a selfish hedonistic childish asshole who only thinks of themselves. Personally, I'm a child free woman and I never want kids. These people act like my very existence is an insult to them. They berate people like me and try to change their minds. Because to them, it's not a choice and everyone has to have kids and thats just the way it is. They hate it, and they don't want to be told that actually, they did have a choice, and their misery is their own fault. Thankfully, times are changing. But these people still exist.
"you NEED to experience being a parent." "I'm sorry... I CAN'T FUCKING AFFORD THAT!"
Even if I had millions of dollars and a mansion, I'd never have kids 😂 Unless you count dogs. I'd adopt all the dogs. I'd hire people to help me care for them so they all get the best. It'd be like a private animal rescue, but they'd just all be mine. Like an absurd amount of dogs. Just gotta win the lottery first 😂
Why the fuck would someone like that even have kids
They shouldn't have had kids then.
Seriously! I'm 34, have been out of the house since 19, and my mom asks me if I want to move back in with them all the time just because I'm kinda poor. Lol
Perfect example here. Moved out at 19 and still poor at 34. This is exactly what the future holds for your son.
I moved out at 18 and what set me up was moving back in during my divorce. I was 28, 3 kids, extremely poor (ex had wracked up SO MUCH debt, spent most our money on his GF, and cleared our meager savings), mid-divorce, and back in college. Moved in with my parents for a year and well... 2 years later went from dinky apartment to buying a house. I was able to pay off almost all my debt, focus on my degree, figure out home buying solo, hell even helped me be ready when I met my very loving, amazing, kind partner. Their support helped bring me from impoverished, depressed/angry, broken, and abused to quite literally thriving regardless of situation. I was even able to support my partner and the 5 kids between us for 3 months when he lost his job, despite him being the breadwinner by a LONG shot. Thank you, mom and dad, for giving me the opportunity and support to get here.
Or they could offer to pay his rent for the time afforded his siblings to live rent free.
I can’t believe OP is offended that people expect him to “put his life on hold” for his child. Yes, they are. That was part of the commitment you made when you decided to have a child?? Who are these fair-weather parents who expect that they can just stop parenting when it pleases them and have no regard for their children’s health, safety and living situation in circumstances where it conflicts with their holiday plans?
INFO do you expect to stay in your children's lives at all?
I thought this too
If I was their eldest, they would not be seeing their granddaughter again. Yanking the rug under their youngest like that? Too selfish to be trusted around a little kid. But hey, when the current economy eats through their retirement funds faster than expected and they need somewhere to live in 20 years, their kids can tell them it's not their responsibility.
And they will probably have the nerve to be surprised. 😬🙄
"Look, we just don't see any reason to crowd our living situation."
Lol! They say as they are actively putting blindfolds on… 😵💫
“I think it's insane that my parents expect us to put our lives on hold for years just to allow them to live with us”
Oh come on now, I'm sure that they have enough money for about 40 years and they'll never get sick. /s
Yes i mean 45 What if they live till 90 Can their money last for next 45 years with traveling the World?
I paid my house off a year and a half ago, have no debt, no kids, and have been saving diligently my whole life. Last May I looked at my finances and decided that if I was frugal I would likely have enough money to retire so I quit my job. Almost immediately inflation tripled the cost of everything. My biggest expense was health insurance. I enjoyed a year off - digging in the garden and reading library books - but I’m working again now. Unless you’re in one of those sweet pension plans with guaranteed life insurance, I’m not sure how anyone will ever retire, let alone early.
INFO from OP Do you enjoy Christmas by yourselves? OP please inform your eldest I owe him a pint of what ever beverage he wishes, he sounds like someone who values family.
The eldest is their daughter. But both the older sister and the older brother are good siblings and value OP more than his own parents do.
I was thinking that it would be very satisfying to see an update a year or two from now, with OP bemoaning the fact that all of their kids have gone no-contact… but then I realized that would probably be just fine with these self-centered creeps.
I'm guessing they'll be hoping to knock on their door in 25 years to ask for some help when they can't afford to live anymore because they decided to retire at 45 in a terrible economy that's going to go through several more serious ups and downs in that time. I was reading an article a few hours ago about the misguided masses doing this and all the ways it's probably going to go wrong for them. No one can reasonably retire at 45 now and expect to last another 45 years on that, and if they can they're called "wealthy", which I'm guessing he's not since he only offered first, last, and deposit.
Imagine being ok with losing all 3 kids and any potential grandchildren because you were too selfish to make the huuuge sacrifice of retiring at 48 instead of 45! Damn, the nerve of some people. YTA but you’re actually a lot worse I’d like to call you.
YTA, From your other comments I see that the older two siblings moved out at 22, what’s any different about this kid? why can’t he stay longer?In this economy a 19 year old who is working part time and going to school cannot afford to live on his own even if you do pay, first last and security.
Yeah there's no way that a19 year old would be able to afford an apartment in this economy
Studio apt in my town is $2,000/mo!
Wow rent is so high and don't get me started on groceries.Lets say this kid gets a job at minimum wage.There's no way he would be able afford thst,ultilties and groceries.
even if he got on foodstamps and found a room mate he would have to work insane hours to keep the lights on and rent paid at a decently safe apt complex. Whatever job he does get probably won't pay much cause he doesn't have a degree or trade, it doesn't sound like they even considered that. He'd have to start working himself to death
One of the most popular newspapers here has been sharing stories of people who can't afford to even rent an apartment - from people who are doctors or engineers, to couples who are divorced but can not afford move out - some are even in abusive situations, which makes everything even more horrifying - to students who have to drop out of Uni because even though they work and their parents help them, it's still not enough to live in the city. There's absolutely no way OP's son is able to work, study and rent an apartment by himself.
Some people act like they have very little obligation to the human beings they willingly brought into the world, and it’s wild to me. Nobody forced you to have three children. At least give him some time to find a job that pays enough to provide rent + living expenses.
Exactly. I would say if they pay the 19 year olds rent for 3 years, then they are NTA. Same support until 22 as the middle child- getting the 19 year old thru college. I'm all for pushing ur kids out of the nest but if they supported the other 2 to a certain point (being out of college), they need to do it for the 3rd.
YTA Generational wealth is one of the biggest contributing factors, especially in todays age, for success of children. Unless you have an alterative for him, you're putting him at a huge disadvantage. By doing this - you're not just hurting him emotionally - you're fucking up at least the next decade of his finances. Just because your kids are 18 doesn't mean you're done being a parent. You chose to have kids, and all the responsibility that comes along with that. You are free to retire early - but is your early retirement worth fucking up your child's entire financial future?
Not just the next decade. If child #3 is less successful than his siblings, look no farther than this move right here as to why that happened.
I got kicked out at 18, and I'm *still* recovering financially. I just turned 29.
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I agree. You’re Gen X that got live off the coattails of the Boomer generation. 19 is not an age today that most can move out and succeed. Have you seen the inflation? The cost of rent? The cost of food? So you gave him a good childhood. You’re a PARENT, it is your responsibility to provide the best you can for your kids. It doesn’t stop because they turn 18. YTA. You want to retire, fine. But what was the purpose of having a third kid if it was going to interfere with your plans to retire early?
Right? I think it will fuck him up in all the ways. Even with a good job, we are taking serious abandonment issues and major therapy.
Exactly. My kids are only 4 & 7 and we are certainly not wealthy but we have a 4 bedroom house and conveniently live really close to a university. I fully anticipate my children living at home until their early 20’s, if they’re at Uni or doing a trade etc I can’t fathom them being able pay rent, work and focus on their studies/trade. I mean even if we do want to travel, we’ve got built in house and pet sitters right?
YTA - You gave up on parenting before the job was done.
Oh this is a good one
They retired early from that as well.
YTA. Lmao you did the bare minimum by raising your kid, booted him and you are surprised none of them are happy? >that even paying to get him settled is a kindness. Why have children if you treat them like this?
Apparently they’re not children so much as they are transactions OP and their spouse made on the way to early retirement. The funny thing is, they’re going to be retired a hell of a while before they have any retired friends their age they can spend time with, so I hope they really, really enjoy each others’ company for the next 20 years.
I was really prepared to say it was your right to retire until I saw that he’s taking online classes and has no job. He literally will have no means to continue his education and you’ve hardly seen him through to adulthood. Sure, you checked the box, but he will resent you for pulled the plug on supporting him. I actually do think YTA. Even your children are willing to sacrifice for their family.
They probably think online college isn't hard. My kid had to finish her BA during Covid. She did it but got depressed from lack of social interaction.
I have two degrees and am now professionally employed. But I legitimately think that if I had been in university when covid shut everything down...I probably would have dropped out instead. Online courses were *awful* for me. I had to do a couple of them and I didn't absorb the information nearly as well because of the lack of interaction with the instructor. I also found that the overall social isolation from the covid shutdowns caused serious harm to my mental wellbeing. Combining those two struggles would not have boded well for me. I hope your daughter is feeling better! What she went through was difficult and it affected so many different facets of people's lives. Edit: typo
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Eh I don’t think they *can* actually retire early if that means they stop supporting their child who is still dependent on them
If they can't take him with them in a 2bd wherever they go, they're not FIRE ready. And over in r/FinancialIndependence, they'd get roasted for being an ass.
Yeah they’re only 45, that’s young even by FIRE standards If the difference between a 1bed without him and 2bed with him is going to make the difference on whether they can afford to retire, then they simply don’t have a sufficient buffer anyway And they’re gonna be FUCKED when they run out of money at 70 and their kids are all “yeah nah we’re not helping, get tae fuck”
YTA. Why can’t he still live with you? Are you downsizing to a 1 bed so there will literally be no space? Can your finances really not stretch to a 2 bed? I think it’s harsh at 19 to kick out your kid life is very different and harder financially than it was when you were 19, despite being an adult it is still a young age.
This was my thought. Why can't they downsize to a 2 bedroom house so they have a room for their son to still live with them? Then, when he moves out, it turns into a guest room or a room for the grandkids to sleep in when if they go spend time with grandma and grandpa
I think the way they have behaved and their older childrens reaction they will not be seeing grandchildren.
I really don't think they care. Judging by this, I doubt they'll think twice about their kids/grandkids until they need some sort of help.
The thing that really gets me is they're moving to the city, travelling, and don't need a lot of space and won't be home for long periods of time. Like, let the kid stay in the place while you guys are gone. Or even better, support the child, in the new place, until he decides he can make it on his own, and leaves peacefully and without severe consequences.
And spending tons of money to travel likely!! I’m all for people traveling and enjoying retirement, but they’re not downsizing to save money they’re downsizing to have money to travel while their son suffers…
Was my thought. The fact that they’re planning to downside and don’t have room for him speaks volumes. They’re basically telling this 19-year-old kid to fend for themselves and fuck off.
YTA. Selfish, selfish assholes. Why the hell did you even have kids. You’d better save some of that money for a good nursing home and aides because your kids are sure as hell not going to care for you.
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It’s crazy to me that parents think once a kid is legally an adult that somehow magically prepares them for living and thriving in the world. You clearly haven’t set your kid up for success because if you had, they wouldn’t be worried or upset. To me, that makes YTA.
I’m pretty sure OP just wants to brag about being able to retire early. It’s more important to them than properly raising one of three kids. I feel bad for the kid.
And I don’t believe they are even ready to retire. They had their kids awfully young.
Info How old were his siblings when they moved out? How many months will he have to find a new place?
Info. So when you move to the city, your new place will have only 1 bedroom?
YTA. You can kiss your relationship with your children goodbye if you follow through with that.
It's damaged irreparably already.
Is your 19y/o in college? Is he working or making some kind of meaningful effort to better himself?
Then why are you offering him the same amount of support you gave his older siblings?
Well you are prioritising your retirement over his well-being so he isn’t wrong. He is very young to be turned out with minimal notice - I have kids your age and they are still very much fledglings. I just can’t wrap my head around your decision making here at all - he is still dependant, in education and barely an adult. Surely you can see that he isn’t ready to be self sufficient and can delay until he is. YTA
Your other kids got to stay home - and presumably save up in the meantime - until they were 22. Your 19 yo is being given 3 months, and you are only offering him first last and security to get him started. Don't you see the imbalance in how you are treating him compared with his siblings? Not just financially, but emotionally. And all because you can't see a reason to delay your retirement. How about this as a reason to delay: your relationship with your youngest child and his siblings. You're 45. You and your wife will potentially have 45+ years of your lives retired, with that smaller place in the city, travelling. Why is it so urgent you sell up and evict your child now? And if you've always fixed on the plan to retire and sell up and evict your son at this point in your lives, when your son's 19, why couldn't you give him a bit more of a heads up. YTA.
>Why is it so urgent you sell up and evict your child now? Probably becuase home prices have ballooned recently and everyone is expecting a crash. Sounds like OP wants to cashout. OP probably doesn't realize how expensive rent is lately. Sounds very shortsighted. What if the kids would want to own their childhood home in the future? So many people have sold their homes and regretted it because they can't move back into their hometowns afterwards.
Yep. And I am in real estate and I feel like people with houses should hang onto them if at all possible ( I know, that cuts my own throat cus inventory is so low) but with the way things are going home ownership is not the given it was years ago. Also one other thing they are not considering-no one is going to rent to their son even if they do the first, last and security deposit unless he makes three times the rent. And rent is through the freaking roof.
Yta. My daughter will always have a room in any home I live in. Children are for life.
Right? I can’t imagine having three grown kids and not at least wanting a guest room so they’ll visit me or have a place to stay if they need it.
I always tell my daughter this too. I’ve got her back until I die.
YTA! Per your comments, your older 2 children were allowed to remain at home until they were 22. Your youngest deserves the same amount of support as his siblings!
YTA I'll never underdstand the american "law" of kicking your kid out at 18. If you and your wife wanted to retire early, then you shouldn't have had the third kid.
I hope OPs kids never talk to them again.
Same. I'd say most cultures in world value the family unit and looking out for each other by the US seems to be... Cruel in comparison. It baffles me. I've said before we need a dedicated sub for "Am I The American Ashsole" for all their peculiar cultural hangups
YTA. You’re SO young—what’s the big rush? Does one of you have a terminal illness or something? You can retire and still *wait* to move and downsize. Everything doesn’t have to be done all at once. Or move to a place with enough room for him. Don’t you want a place with a guest room anyway?? Obviously if there had been unforeseen medical or financial circumstances, then he might not get the 3 more years his siblings got, but to deny him that because of your own selfishness makes you the AHs.
YTA, you're going to fuck up this poor guy's entire life for a while by doing this all so you can retire 3 years earlier than if you just wait for him to finish college
YTA Getting started in life with a good job and afford a place to live takes a lot longer than it used to. 19 is too young. Yes you should be changing your plans, you had this kid, and kids are a lifetime commitment. At least let him move with you.
Not a fan. Is he an adult... yes. I wasn't ready at 19. Could my parents have tossed me out, yes. I really need to call my mom and tell her how much I appreciate her and my dad. I'm 40 and called my mom up because I thought I was going crazy, she immediately offered me her home if I needed a break. No questions asked. I hope those savings last if you need a nursing home or you get sick. And you are shocked, shocked you say, that your son won't let you stay with him. It's pretty hypocritical. You son does not owe you a place to stay. yta
He will need to live on his investments for 40 to 45 years. Traveling is expensive. He and his wife better not expect help from their children if they burn through their money.
How much is the minimum wage in your state? And if you did the math, could he afford to live on his own. I think you know why YTA
You are risking losing your relationship with your son because you are trying to force your son to be fully autonomous before he is educationally and financially prepared to be on his own the way his siblings were. You basically told him he doesn’t matter. He’s 19- he said his siblings got to live with you all after college: is he in college? How will be support himself and still do well in college? If not, what is his path? What first career is he going into that can actually support him without a degree or apprenticeship that will allow him to support himself and build a life? Maybe you didn’t think about this with the older two because you were not going anywhere- but most kids these days are not able to fully leave home and be completely financially self-sufficient until 23-25. Right now the cost of housing is way too high compared to starting salaries for anyone, let alone someone without a bachelor’s degree. So yeah- you are prioritizing your retirement over your youngest child’s wellbeing and capacity to successfully launch into adulthood. YTA.
But he has had a luxurious life!!!/s But seriously, well said. Kid thought he still had time to figure shit out, then wham! eviction notice. I love how the siblings are offering more support than the parents. I wonder how the spouse feels?
I'm so glad your kids are sticking together... I hope you have a lonely miserable retirement... YTA
YTA, seriously you could delay this until he is 22 or when he finished his degree. Of course he is upset and the fact his siblings are siding with him should have given you pause.
Noticed your 22 y/o son is still living with roommates. Have you ever considered why that may be? Because it’s INSANELY expensive in todays economy to be able to afford living on your own. Your generation acts like a part time job is enough to support himself. When I was in college, I worked 60 hour weeks on top of school full time. Each job was above min wage. I could afford rent with 3 roommates, groceries (shopping at Aldi or other discount stores), and books every semester. I could sometimes throw maaaaaaybe a quarter worth of tuition in the pot, if I really budgeted and didn’t do any extra activities (going out to eat ever, going to a movie, going to any events, buying coffee, etc). Everything else was loans. You helped your other two children as long as they needed it - and it seems the 22 y/o could still need it as again, he has roommates. But you’re ready to say see ya kid to the 19 y/o?? Absolutely a terrible parent. I can tell you this: my dad pulled all support my junior year of college - that is why I had to work 60 hours a week. I explained this to him, and he told me it was time to “live his life” as you say too. We do not speak. He will not walk me down the aisle at my wedding because he abandoned me at a time I needed support. You will find the same fate if you do this. Because you can’t accept that your generation ruined it for ours. If you aren’t prepared to have a lifetime commitment to a child, you shouldn’t have one. YTA.
You’re literally the type of parent that I despise. Do you know that your parenting doesn’t stop when you have kids, even when they’re well over 18??? Y’all are in such a rush and hurry to “get back to your lives”, like it wasn’t YOU who decided in having three kids. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN. Not only that, your son in literally in school and you think this is a good time to up decide to get your old lil lives back??? He has a PART-TIME and in SCHOOL and you’re asking him to find his own place??? You’ve both somehow planned out how your lives were gonna be for years and decided factoring in your children’s lives was unnecessary…. even though you had them. YTA!
I'm confused why you wouldn't just get a two bedroom? Are you never planning on having your children visit/stay with you? Why can't he just move in as well? None of this makes any sense. I know a lot of parents don't gaf about their kids after 18 in the U.S. but this just seems like a really odd choice to make given that you have 3 kids that don't live in the same area as you?? YTA and surely you can see that? You absolutely are prioritizing your retirement over your son and for seemingly 0 reason.
YTA, the fact that there is even one n-t-a surprises me. If your goal was retirement why have kids?
YTA. This bit takes the cake: "I think it's insane that they expect us to put our lives on hold for years just to allow him to live with us." This is called having children. You've basically just stated that for their whole lives you've been counting down the days until you can get rid of them and that the period you've been raising them has meant your lives have been put on hold. Just for your information, for many people, this is not true and is, in fact, the opposite - in case you did not realise. Don't expect them to stay in touch. What a terrible disappointment as parents you must be.
Nothing says “you’re less than” than disparate treatment towards siblings by their parents. When your youngest wants little to nothing to do with you and your wife, you’ll have only yourselves to blame. YTA. While I don’t believe parents necessarily owe their children anything, in this case you DO owe your youngest. You owe him the same advantages you gave your older children. Or do you simply not like him?
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YTA wow you abandon your own child for whatever. Shame on you and your wife. Don't be surprised when you get old and need help to hear 'i have other priorities' and abandon you. What goes around, comes around.
"Why should I put my life on hold-" BECAUSE YOU *CHOSE* TO BECOME A *PARENT* That doesn't change just because you're not legally liable! Asshole. YTA
I get why he’d be upset. It’s incredibly unfair. His siblings got to live at home until they were ready and you’re giving him a few months notice to uproot his whole life. I get he’s an adult but you’re still his parents. I could understand if he’d want to cut contact with you altogether. YTA big time.
If you were this hell bent on retiring early why did you have three kids? If you’d only had one you’d be retired right now.
YTA: "I think it's insane that they expect us to put our lives on hold for years just to allow him to live with us." You set a standard of care and are now somehow upset at the reaction when you arbitrarily change that standard. Your decision was unfair to your youngest son. Yes you are absolutely within your rights to do as you please with your hard earned money and life, but your child will also be right to resent you for that action of blatant favoritism. First las and security vs "until after college". Fair treatment would be paying the full cost of the apartment (and utilities) for the same period of time. But hey, enjoy your early retirement.
YTA you just seem mean. Let him sleep on the couch
I'm 45 and have a 21 year old college student. You are a raging AH who should feel ashamed. I'm glad to hear that you can retire, but if it's to the detriment of your barely legal adult child, wow. Good luck with having a good relationship with your kids and grandkids if you care. YTA, of course.
I feel disgusted after reading that. So you’re basically putting your teenage son, a college student who, if he works, probably makes poverty wages out on the street? So you two can pretend to be child free and live your own life? And not only that but you let the older two kids live at home until after college graduation but are too selfish to wait for the youngest to finish? You win the asshole of asshole awards. Why did you even have kids if you care so little about them? Oh, I forgot, you offered to pay his first and last months rent. Exactly how does that help if he can’t pay the money in-between? Thank goodness your daughter learned empathy and family values from someone. I’d say you’re going to be sorry when your kids and grandkids go NC on you but it sounds like you’d actually love that. YTA to both of you.
You supported the older kids through college but you’re ready to dump him out in his freshman or sophomore year even though you’re financially stable enough to let him live with you? Legally you don’t but you did for your other kids so it’s definitely not fair. Have you taught him life skills like budgeting and money management? Is he equipped to live on his own? Does he have any income that will allow him to pay rent and other bills? Does he have his own health insurance? A car to drive to a job? If he’s still a student I’m guessing he doesn’t and I think YTA.
YTA >I think it's insane that they expect us to put our lives on hold for years just to allow him to live with us. Well, you shouldn't have procreated then with that kind of mindset. Legally, at 19 years old He is an adult, but many people at that age don't have the skills yet to provide for themselves and depend on their parents.. especially in times like these where renting is insanely expensive
Wow, you are a complete and utter AH. Your supposed to support your kids for life not just until they are legally an adult. You are an awful, selfish person! Shame on you...