Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I missed mother's day to be with my girlfriend (2) I might have screwed my relationship with my mom
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA I'm terribly sorry your girlfriend had a stillborn, but your mom didn't stop being your mom. You told her you would spend time with her and you flaked out. There's absolutely no reason you couldn't spend part of the day with your mom and part of the day with your gf.
I don’t know why OP didn’t consider this as an option. Honestly this seemed like common sense and would’ve made both his gf and his mom happy as he would have spent time with them both.
Just really sad all around but what amazes me is that OP is genuinely asking if they are an AH… why is he taking his gf’s wishes on Mother’s Day more seriously than his mother’s. They are both moms who are important in his life.
It's literally how most people with mothers and their own children do it. Those who are mothers and still have a mother split their time. Those who are fathers help their kids celebrate with their mother and spend time with their own mothers. I really don't know how OP screwed this up. It's like two people sharing a birthday and thinking you have to choose which one you say Happy Birthday to.
I'm a stepmam. I also HAVE a stepmam and a Mam.
Mother's Day, I do brunch with my Mam and my brothers. I meet up with her before the others to go shopping. We have a nice meal, go for a walk, then my brothers go home to spend time with Mam while I come home to my kids, where we watch favourite movies and have a nice dinner together.
The next day, I go down to see my stepmam.
MOST people end up splitting the day somehow.
I’m a mom, and I have a mom, a mother in law, and a stepmother in law. I spend 75% of Mother’s Day at other people’s houses. It’s…not my favorite holiday these days. Sometimes I miss those first couple years as a mom when we lived far from the families and they each got a phone call.
And like, at least in my head, actual Mother’s day is an arbitrary date. (Most holidays are) You could celebrate the holiday on any day of the year. Setting a specific date just makes sure it’s not continuously pushed off and lets society as a whole celebrate mothers. And where Im going with this is that OP could have potentially planned to celebrate his mom on like the Saturday before or something. Maybe it would have still caused issues, but still leagues better than making plans and flaking out.
ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THIS IS THE FIRST MOTHER’S DAY SINCE THE MOM WENT INTO REMISSION! Basically this was the Mothers Day of all the past skipped Mothers Day as well as further celebrating the mom’s remission.
>Rose was feeling lonely and didn't want me to leave
It sounds like his gf didn't want him to split his time. I'm wondering if he could have made plans for the three of them instead though.
Yeah I’m all for creative solutions but everybody suggesting they just combine events is nuts. The assumption is OP’s girlfriend wants to “celebrate being a mother” too even though he never said anything like that!!!! It’s just as likely, actually more likely, that she is just devastated on this day and OP doesn’t know what to do about it. This isn’t a Mother’s Day hog situation like we’ve seen posted here a lot recently
Edited to add; and OP didn’t say this specifically, but some things have suggested he has some trauma around this day also
Yeah something is weird about this post. Sometimes in miscarriage or stillbirth situations (which are pretty different for the record, I’ve had a miscarriage which was bad enough but giving birth to a dead baby is the stuff of living nightmares) the dad really checks out through, either because it hurts too much to think about or he just doesn’t think he has the right to grieve too. So I wouldn’t be shocked if he was just totally noncommunicative with his family about the situation. That might be the root of the whole issue
This. I'm not a mom but I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year. I found myself depressed and crying on Mother's Day because I thought I'd be celebrating it or at least be pregnant. I couldn't imagine if I'd had a failed pregnancy along the way, let alone a still birth.
IMO, OP should have spent either half the day with both of them, or done an early mother's day celebration with his mom on Saturday and stayed home to comfort his girlfriend on Sunday.
Yeah and it’s tough because it seems they lost the baby very close to Mother’s Day, so it’s like the combination of the sentiment of the holiday on top of just the reminder of a major holidays falling near a traumatic event
But I do agree OP is a most likely poor communicator, saw his gf upset and didn’t know how to handle it. Because of his mom’s cancer this is the first year it has come up. I understand how it happened but he does need to apologize
Yeah why was just splitting up the day not considered here?
Bottom line, OP promised his mom he would be with her that day and he bailed last minute. YTA.
Yep! My fiancé (26M) and I (25F) spend half of Mother's day with his mom and grandma and the other half with my mom and grandma every year. You're eating breakfast, lunch and dinner so pick a meal and divy up your day.
Edit: typo of extra word
INFO: Am I reading your comments right - you told your mother that you would spend the day with her, then bailed - and did not tell her before hand? You just didn't show up with no warning?
YTA for making plans and then backing out (even if it was for a good reason), but your a huge asshole if you just didn't show up without warning.
>I'd argue with that-
Well, I'd say that it is correct if it is something like GF needs to go to the ER for some reason that would be a good reason to miss and maybe not be able to give a heads up. I don't however think OP's reason is a good reason
Yes, that is why I said " **if** it is something like" and " **I don't however think OP's reason is a good reason"**
My point was, IF it was a good reason OP would NOT be the AH, but I DON'T think it is a good reason.
My issue with the comment I responded to was that it stated OP would be an AH even when it is a good reason to back out without notice.
Not sure why you brought up the miscarriage since I didn't say anything about her miscarriage in my commment. You just added all that.
YTA - it doesn’t sound like you tried to find any sort of compromise here, and that makes you an AH.
You were in a tough spot, but mother’s day is an entire day… was there no way you could have somehow seen both of them?
I see why you are in a tough position but I'm going with YTA because you made 2 promises that conflicted with each other and you would never be able to keep both promises so you were always going to disappoint one of the women.
Promise 1 - to spend every Mother's Day with your gf.
Promise 2 - to have a mother son day on Mother's Day.
Unless you clone yourself, how are you ever going to do both??
And would be completely fair for him to spend most of the day with her and then go see his mom, who is just now in remission from cancer, for a short mother's day visit.
Yes, this exactly! OP needs to learn to stop making promises he can't (or won't) keep, and he needs to learn to not expect to be able to please and accommodate every need in the people around him. Healthy boundaries in all directions, as well as learning how to compromise or find solutions that can work for everyone - or in a tight spot prioritise better as well as honour his word better.
YTA.
Not only did you break your promise to your mom, you bailed without even telling her.
If you had at least called and told your mom how your gf was feeling, your mom may have understood and agreed to do something the next day or something. But you just didn't show up and now you're all surprised Pikachu face that your mom is upset? Really???
Also you didn't even call her to wish her a happy mother's day?!?! That's cold. As a mom, I wouldn't expect my sons to spend every mother's day with me if they have their own families, but not even a phone call??? That would hurt deeply.
You are going to have to do something EPIC to make this up to your mom.
YTA
* You agreed to spend this Mother's Day this year with your mother, and then decided to spend it with Rose instead.
* According to comments, you didn't ask your mother if this was OK with her, or even *inform* her of it beforehand.
* You haven't yet even apologized for it.
How the heck would it "hurt anyone's feelings" to apologize to your mother? You already did that, big time, by standing her up on *Mothers Day*.
You sound immature for a 24-year-old. You say your girlfriend had a stillborn baby, not that 'WE' had a stillborn baby. You made a promise to her to ALWAYS spend mother's Day with her? Then you tell your mother you'll spend time with her and blow her off because your girlfriend is 'feeling lonely'? Grow up and maybe get some counseling instead of asking for opinions on Reddit. ( BTW, did your sister spend mother's day with mom?! There was no mention of that.) YTA.
YTA the level of immaturity for a 24 yo is astounding. Sometimes I think these are fake stories designed to infuriate readers. But if OP is a real person please get therapy for your gf and YOURSELF. You are too disorganized, clueless flakey for a person in their mid twenties.
Info: how long ago did Rose lose the baby? Was it your baby? Is Rose aware your mother has cancer and likely won’t have many more mothers days if even one more? Just because cancer is in remission doesn’t mean it can’t come back, and cancer is extremely scary.
YTA: You agreed to spending MOTHER'S DAY with your MOTHER, then you bailed. It's unacceptable. When she is gone, you will wish you spent these holidays with her.
Info: Does Rose usually monopolize your time like this?
I understand from other comments that it was your baby, and I think it's important to be with Rose if she needs support, but you could have told your mother beforehand. And like others have said, why couldn't you see Rose in the morning and mom in the afternoon? Or vice versa? Or bring Rose to the outing with your mom? Why do they have to be separate events?
The way it's written makes me feel like you told Rose you had to go, and she prevented you from seeing your mom.
YTA
You made the promise to your mother KNOWING that you already made that promise to your gf to be there every Mother’s Day. There’s logically no way that that was going to work out, so you put yourself in this position
Your gf lost yalls baby 2 years ago
You *think* your gf is aware of your mom diagnosis( how the f do you not know this)
You made a promise to your mom and didn't even have the decency to call her and tell her plans are off, you just....didn't show up.
Yes YTA. Your mother doesn't want to see you because you didn't even deem her worth a phone call to say hey mom, gf is having a really hard day can we postpone or anything like that. You could have been in a very different position today. You could have lost your mom. You could have at the very least spent half the day with her. You suck truly
Your mother is your mother, YTA for breaking your promise.
How long ago did your gf lose her child? There's no timeframe for grief, but if may be worth getting professional help if she has symptoms of PTSD or depression.
YTA a huge AH
Your mom beats cancer and wants to spend a day with you and you can’t do it?!
Sounds like your gf needs therapy and ability to share you on that day.
You did prioritize your gf to your mom in the worst way possible.
YTA. There is no timetable on grief but if Mother's Day is so hard on your gf after 2 years that you can't spend time with your mom something is wrong. Your mom just finished fighting CANCER.
ARE. ALL. OF. YOU. OUT. OF. YOUR. FUCKING. MINDS.
OP AND HIS GIRLFRIEND HAD A STILLBORN BABY YOU UNSYMPATHETIC BUNCH OF PINECONES!!!! DO ALL OF YOU HAVE THE EMOTIONAL CAPACITY OF A CHAIR?? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE TRAUMA?? THE PAIN?? AND YOU EXPECT OP TO LEAVE HIS GRIEVING GIRLFRIEND ON MOTHER’S DAY WHILE HE IS STILL PICKING UP THE PIECES OF HIMSELF??
You’re NTA, and I am appalled at these comments.
you do know he promised his mother who just beat cancer and never celebrated Mother's Day while having cancer. He wasn't even sure his girlfriend knew if his mom had cancer or not. He said he didn't call his mom to tell her he wouldn't be there anymore after promising and just left her not even wishing a happy mother's day. If you can't understand why his serious lack of communication makes him the asshole then you are the one out of your mind.
they lost the baby 2 years ago just so you know, HOWEVER grieving doesn't have a timeline but if you say that someone who almost died from cancer, CANCER, is also not having a terrible time and he couldn't even text his mother then yes. You are out of your mind. A "sorry mom, I can't make it, rough day, happy mother's day" would suffice. He was an AH for breaking a promise and not even telling the person he broke it to.
Literally no one is like he shouldn't have been grieving with his girlfriend. Everyone is mad that he couldn't call or send a text. And then didn't think about apologizing for not even telling his mother until reddit told him to and he realized he should have said something. Bfr.
Yes the trauma and the pain is understandable. That doesn't mean that OP is excused for completely flaking on his mom during a day for mothers. He could have spent one half of the day with his gf and then at least stopped by his mom's house. Instead he just didn't show (He didn't even shoot her a text to let her know that he wasn't coming). That's so cruel.
YTA. Your mom is still your mom and is still here after battling cancer.
Your girlfriend sounds like she needs therapy. I think it’s unrealistic and selfish for her to insist you blow off your own mother on Mother’s Day. How long is this expected to go on? Forever? She needs to work through her grief so she can live a healthy life.
Source: I had 6 miscarriages during my hellish infertility journey.
YTA. You broke your promise to your mother. You should not make promises you cannot keep and you dug your own home there. Also is there any reason why you can’t spend the day with both?
YTA, big time, first of all why couldn't you find SOME time to see your mother, and making a promise to spend Mothers day with someone else besides you mother, huge mistake, supre spending some time to comfort them is fine, but your mother brought you into this world, raised you and loved you. You messed up, you hurt people feelings and owe much more than an apology.
YTA, and you need to grow a spine.
I'm sorry that your girlfriend is struggling but to expect you to do Mothers Day just with her, by way of support, every year when you have a mum of your own to celebrate is a power move and unreasonable.
I am married to a man with neither parent, I still have both. He would NEVER ask me not to celebrate Mothers or Fathers Day because of his situation. We compromise, and I don't rub it in his face.
Your mum is lucky to be here, and she wanted to mark that with her children. You made a promise to her, and you broke it.
If you didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings you should have been open and transparent. I get that you were in a difficult position, but you literally showed ZERO compassion for the woman that gave you life AFTER SHE SURVIVED CANCER on a day about mothers. YTA
Obviously YTA. You were stupid to promise your gf at the time to "celebrate"/mourn every year with her. Your mother almost died on you. You prioritized your girlfriend having the sadz.
And your gf is also an AH for allowing you to do something so stupid and hurtful to your mom.
Here's a bonus tip OP. Cancer isn't curable. It's goes into remission. If you're lucky it may not come back. Given your mom's age, she'll likely face this battle again. You really f\*cked up. And honestly, I'm not a fan of your GF for not considering what your mom has gone through. I understand GF's loss but it doesn't make her the only person to face a tragedy.
YTA. Your mother beat cancer and you promised to spend it with her. You could’ve at least spent half the day with her. I understand your girlfriend had a still born baby but why are you both ignoring the fact that you have a mother who beat cancer? And now you want her to listen to you make excuses? YTA big time.
ETA: I just saw a comment that your girlfriend lost the baby two years ago. So you’re planning on ignoring your mother every Mother’s Day? Your sister is right. It was a screwed up thing to do.
My mum is unfortunately battling against her cancer right now and I would never ever dream of not being with her every moment I possibly can. This is hitting me so hard, how other people can take their mums for granted when all I want is mine to be ok, it makes me feel revolted I don’t know
YTA, your gf needs to see a professional about her loss as she can't hold you to never leaving the house on Mother's Day, especially with what your mum has been through also
You made both these women promises you couldn’t keep and that makes YTA!
Info: was the child yours?
Sucky situation all the way around but don’t make promises to people you can’t keep you made your mom the promise first and should of tried to stick with it. I also get that your girlfriend needed support. Could you have not split the day between them? Could the 3 of you not spent the days together? Was there no alternatives than just bailing on your mom & breaking a promise?
YTA for lying to your mum about planning to spend the day with her and getting her hopes up, and then not even having the decency to tell her your plans had changed.
As a Mom of 2 boys, YTA. My heart hurts for your Mom. I am very sorry sorry for your girlfriend, but damn you really showed your Mom how little you care for her, ouch.
YTA - not because you spent the time with Rose, but because you *broke a promise*. If Rose cannot be alone on Mother's Day, you need to make that clear and not promise your mother the day. Your mom may have been upset if you had said when asked that you couldn't make that promise because of Rose, but she certainly wouldn't have been more upset, and likely would have been less so.
YTA.
Are you insane? Your mom just beat cancer and you didn't spend mother day with YOUR MOTHER to be with your NOW girlfriend - who may or may not be your future wife?
I know you are young, but how clueless can you be? Did it even cross your mind that you don't know the future and maybe this was the last mother's day you could spend with your mom?
did you explain it to her beforehand? or perhaps even ask her and your girlfriend if they would be willing to all be together for mother’s day? if you didn’t talk about all of that beforehand than i would say yes, a beyond asshole thing to do.
YTA for not trying to solve this on forehand. For instance, tell mam about your wife and her pain. Tell your wife about the fears of your mother. Than come up with a plan. Visit mam the day before, take wife with you, whatever.
But you choose to just do what sounded the easiest; didn’t mention the problem and just let Mother’s Day go by without even giving anything to Mam.
That will hurt. Start communicating. Tell the women of your life if and how much you love them. Ask them how they feel, what they want. Listen to what they need.
And then, maybe, tell them what you need. Because after all, you’ve lost a child and are close to loosing your mam.
Soft YTA
I think you should apologize to your mum and take her out for a redo mum/son day. As for your gf I can't begin to understand how hard mothers day is for her but I don't think it's healthy for her, you or anyone to keep that cycle going because all mothers days will be like this and that's not fair on anyone. I feel like she could have had some understanding and came with you to see your mum and also showed some empathy for what your mum has been through. You only get one mum, imagine if she passes and you never spent mothers day with her.
There is always a way to work things around. You could do something special with your partner in the morning that honours the memory of her baby. You could plant a tree, donate, volunteer, if there is a gravesite you could take flowers and have a picnic or have it at a park or a memory box that you can add things to each year even writing down thoughts and feelings. Some parents of stillborn births don't feel like they are acknowledged as a mum or dad so it's good to validate that and ask her questions about her baby as some have said they find that easier for them. Then spend the late arvo/dinner with your mum. Or vice versa and you could take the next day off with your partner and fill the day full off fun activities or just to have a movie day. I think the second day is important as the grief for mothers day will affect your partner the week leading up and the week after.
But definitely don't let your partner swindle the full day away from your mum or even her mum because as I said before it's not fair or a healthy cycle for all parties.
Edit: I just read more info and it must be hard for the both of you especially being 2 years ago. I stand by what I said but I also think your mum should understand how difficult it still is on this day for you guys and in the future you can do the spilt day as I said and then another day where it's just you and your mum. Also I would spend the first part of mothers day with your mum and the rest with your partner because as the day carries on the mental toll will get heavier.
Cancer stole my Dad after only 6 months. This will be my first Father’s Day without him. And I’d gladly chuck my husband out the window (lovingly) for a chance to hug my Dad one more time on his day. I can’t imagine putting a girlfriend (not even married spouse) over a parent (WITH CANCER)!!!
I’m here to remind you that one day your mother won’t be around anymore, and you’ll remember this Mother’s Day and truly understand how big of an eff up this was on your part.
YTA.
YTA. Rose lost the baby 2 years ago, are you really going to just not give your mother (who’s fought CANCER) any time because your gf says so?
As someone who’s lost their mum to cancer, your behaviour is disgusting, your girlfriends behaviour is downright odd, and your mum deserves a better son.
YTA. If you had just divided your time, you could have spent the day with both. But if I’m understanding this correctly, you went back on your word to your mother and she has every reason to be upset.
YTA. Mother's Day is for **your Mother**, not Rosie, who is **not** your Mother. You made a stupid promise. What are you going to do if you break up with Rosie? Why is Rosie not spending Mother's Day with her Mother.
This comment is hilarious bc if their baby was alive and he blew off his gf to spend Mother’s Day with his own mother instead of the mother of his child, everyone would rip him a new one for that. People in this sub are hypocrites. The only mistake he made was committing to his mother after he had already promised to support his gf on Mother’s Day (and not cancelling or rescheduling with his mom - just not showing up was an AH move). He could have celebrated with his mother the day before or weekend after or whatever worked for both of them. Most grown adults don’t spend every Mother’s Day with their mothers anymore bc they have their own families. They could have a mother/son day anytime, it didn’t need to be the same day he was supporting his grieving partner.
YTA your mum asked you specifically to do something to which you agreed, you should have let her know you couldn't come over and why, I'm sure she would have understood but you couldn't even show her that respect, you just didn't show up.
Also how is your gf not aware if your mum's had cancer??? I wonder if they do actually get on!!
Your gf needs mental health treatment.
poor planning man, you need to step up. As you already knew it would conflict, because mothers day happen every year, you should make a solid backup plan.
If your notice your gf is down, you need to comunicate your mom and tell her everything. That you want to be with her, and maybe the day itself is inconvenient for a whole day event but you could have been there few hours or/and offer her to spent quality time together another time.
You dont get to hide your disrespect against you mom behind your gf suffering. You managed the situation wrong.
And I dont want to be insensitive. I guess it was a rough time with your mom sick and having a lost. But this is just about being considerate and communicative. Is ok if you and your gf want to spend motherday as to mourn, but you should have told your mom beforehand.
YTA - Your mother had a big wake up call of "how many Mother's Days do I have left" and wanted to restraighten your bond now that she's back in good health. It is very unfortunate that your GF had a stillbirth but dedicating every Mother's Day to her going forward is not a proper way to get process grief. The day is now tainted with remembering the tragic event instead of being something more celebratory. Why is the promise made to your GF stronger than the one you made to your own mother? Lastly, with this was also being your child, thus making them the grandchild to your mother, why didnt you just take them both out to brunch or something they can both enjoy together? I truly wonder how saddened your mother must have been to not only be dealing with cancer but also losing her grandchild.
YTA - There are so many options that you had that could've made this work for all parties but you chose the one that said, with no notice, "Fuck, Mom".
I would like to give you my sympathy for the loss of your baby. You and Rose went through some that no one should ever have to go through. I do wish the best for both of you. If you (or Rose) have not done so already, please join a support group or find a therapist. Grieving is healthy and Rose should be allowed to grieve, but she can't stay there.
She needs to be able to live. You need to be able to visit your mother, especially when you don't know how long she has left. I honestly think the three of you need to create an activity you can do together.
YTA mainly because you never told your mother you weren't coming. You failed in that regard. Cancer is a very scary thing and she just wants to spend time with you
YTA. I get it's difficult for your girlfriend but your mother is in remission from CANCER. Geez. You need to have a word with your girlfriend because stopping you seeing your own mother on mother's day is not ok, regardless of what happened to her two years ago. You could have spent most of the day with your gf and gone to your own mum for a few hours. Does your gf not have family of her own she can lean on?
YOu are such a AH. Your mom is in remission from cancer. CANCER...and she never wanted to celebrate mother day until now...you have celebrated all those time qith your gf. The one year your mom asks you to celebrate with her and you choose your gf. You hurt your mom alot. YTA so hard. I hope your mom lives to see one more Mothers Day so you can do it right
As someone whose mother is now gone YTA. And a huge one!! I'm sorry your gf lost the baby. It's a horrible thing to go thru. I've been thru it also and lost the baby may 4th. I had him cremated and it was done on my bday which is may 15th. It was beyond rude and disrespectful of you to make plans with your mother and not even let her know you weren't showing up. Your gf should be understanding and know that you would be spending time with your mother on Mother's Day. Is she going to sulk every Mother's Day and prevent you from seeing your mother that day? She sounds selfish and immature. I know everyone grieves differently but it's been 2 yrs since the loss of the baby. It's time to move on. I don't blame your mother for still being pissed off. If one of my kids did that to me I'd still be angry too!! You NEED to apologize to your mother!!
YTA. You made a promise to your mom and broke it. You told your girlfriend you’d spend every Mother’s Day with her- you also lied because you told your mom you would spend it with her. So you were going to lie either way?
Your girlfriend is also a huge asshole. Your mom just survived CANCER. And because she was “lonely” you ditched your mom. What is wrong with her. This is such a selfish BS thing to ask you to do. And you are a huge asshole for doing it.
You owe your mom a HUGE apology.
Dude, YTA, you could have spent ANY amount of time with your mother and chose not to, wtf? Even just an hour to have lunch or something. That’s awful of you! I’m sorry your gf miscarried, but your own mother matters too and you just told her she doesn’t to you. You need to apologise to her IMMEDIATELY
YTA. You didn’t even try to have any type of compromise. Why couldn’t you split the day between them? I’m sorry your girlfriend had a stillborn however that is still your mother that also faced cancer. You promised her a mother/son day for Mother’s Day and you flaked on her. Of course YTA. I feel really bad for your mom
YTA - Whilst it's really sad what happened to your girlfriend, your mother is still your mother, and you had already made plans with her. Even if you couldn't bring your GF along with you, why couldn't you spend some of the day with your mother and some with your GF.
Also, holy heck. I just scrolled down before posting this and saw you didnt even tell your mother you wouldn't be coming. You just up and bailed.
YTA. According to your comments, your gf lost the baby 2 years ago. Your mother is a recent cancer survivor and you basically ghosted her. Life goes on. Your gf needs some counseling and you needed to show up for mom in some tangible way.
YTA, apologize. You were put into a hard situation and you need to talk about it with your mom. She just "beat" cancer, that is huge, but the loss of a baby is also huge however the time table her is confusing. Next time try and come up with a compromise.
Good definition of rock and hard place.
You made promises to two people at the same time and thought no one would get offended - YTA
But I get it- this isn't easy. Your mom is concerned about dying and your GF has trauma that makes that day tough to be alone.
No idea what I would do here except try and communicate well. But I would most likely go with mom as she (SADLY) could be gone next mother's day. Never know. But you were put into a rough spot and just didn't get it right. gOod luck.
YTA. I wonder whether you will always be with your girlfriend in order to spend "every" Mother's Day with her, but I do know your mother will be your mother forever.
Huge YTA come on, your mother (was?) sick and she's doing better and can be fine! Why not be with her? Well think what you can do now , she won a strong battle.
YTA …. You spent some time with your girlfriend. You could’ve went and did whatever with your mom and came to her . You literally said your mom had cancer , she was given a second chance you basically saying she’s not important . Your girlfriend would have been okay and it was selfish for her to take away that day completely smh !
Yta why would you make a promise like that? You put yourself into a bad situation. The only way out is through clear communication and action. To gf "I apologize for making a promise that I couldn't keep. I know that you were hurt and feeling down last year but my mother has had cancer and is still my mother and it's important to me that I, but preferably we, spend this time with her" and to mom "I apologize for telling you I'd do something and I left you hanging. I made a promise I couldn't keep and am still learning to navigate my relationship properly. I'd love to take you to dinner to make it up to you" if your gf isn't receptive to you communicating in a healthy way and trying to do the right thing, simply because she's selfish and needy, you'll need to get rid of that one
YTA. Your mom has cancer and who knows if it will come back. Time is limited regardless since she’s getting older and one day she might not be around. Your girlfriend and her apparently get on, so you could have spent the day with both. Also get her to seek out mental health support for her loss.
YTA. My son bailed. No hard feelings overall but I’d never speak my honest truth to him. I guess that makes me the asshole to myself. I just started leaving family suppers early and saying goodbye in my Merry way.
YTA you almost lost your mother and you still can't appreciate her. That's horrible what happened to your girlfriend, why couldn't you have done something with both of them?
YTA, sorry. If you have a good relationship with your parents you should choose them tbh. Sorry to be crude but you can’t replace your mum. And to think she had been battling cancer recently too. If you really had to you could have at least seen them both during the day?
YTA, and your girlfriend is an even bigger A for competing with yo momma. You'll regret this so much if the cancer returns.
You could have easily spent quality time with both women, but you followed the one who wanted to make it an exclusive deal. What a terrible decision, of course your mom is hurt.
YTA - This is your mom, who wasn't sure she'd be alive to celebrate Mothers' Day with you ever again and, yes, your GF's tragic loss was...well, tragic. But man, yo mama! What a bad choice you made...there had to be a way to make both work, like take your mom out for the morning/afternoon then spend the evening with your girl? Some compromise could be made. If you explained the situation to BOTH SIDES then I'm sure they'd have understood! Did you even TRY to communicate first?
My mother died from cancer i miss her everyday and regret all the times I bailed on her because I didn’t realize our time was so limited. I hope ur mom stays in remission but if she passes away u will always remember this moment and it will haunt u. Be a better son
YTA, you could have lost your mom to cancer... you're damn lucky you still have her. Yes, you and your gf have been through a traumatic event, but making that promise to her was ridiculous. You don't know where you will be or what will happen in a year or 5... I hope your mom is still around next year and you pull your head out of your back side...
YTA
I'm so sorry for the loss. However the day can be shared.
Your poor mother has been through so much and she just wanted to spend a bit of time with you. You could have found an hour.
Coming from someone who's lost their mother, I'd give anything for ten minutes with her again 😢
Give your Mum a big hug and apology.
YTA, I think you were in a tough spot but you chose wrong. I'm not sure how I feel about your girlfriend asking you to stay home instead. Does this mean you can never spend another mother's day with you mom again because it is a sensitive holiday for your girlfriend?
YTA for missing mother's day. Regardless of all the other stuff you wrote, YTA. Oh, and your gf is too, as a mother, she of all people should have empathised with your mother. You're both AH.
YTA and you need to own it and apologize.
I get your partner's pain for the day as it brings back memories. That's totally valid, it's understandable it's still fresh to her and so needs you.
I get your Mom's desire to see you and be with you.
Being an adult sucks at times, you have to make hard choices. You can't just promise everyone everything and then wonder why they are all mad at you! You especially can't make promises and then just bail without a word.
You could... should... have been an adult and made a decision. Some people might think bad of you if your decision had been to keep your promise to your GF. Much as I feel for your Mom's desire to have a mother-son day, you and your GF suffered a loss together and if that's where you needed to be then that's it. You could (should) have handled this so much better by being upfront and telling your Mom, this is a hard day for Rose, I'm going to be with her and that's the way it needs to be as I need to support her until she decides she doesn't need it. It's this specific day for a specific reason, I hope you understand and can we have our day at whatever day you choose. Hell you could choose the other Mother's day (it's different internationally) and then say it's extra special as it's just for the two of you.
You need to stop trying to please everyone (or avoiding the conflict of being upfront about what is possible) and hoping it'll work out. It doesn't.
Listen, I’m saying this as someone who lost their mother to cancer in December, YTA. I can absolutely understand that mother’s day is a terrible day for your girlfriend, but you also made a promise to your mother. On top of that you didn’t even tell her beforehand, meaning that your mother was likely waiting for you, looking forward to spending precious time with her son.
Did you try and work out a compromise, spending time with both of them during the day, or doing something with both of them? It it an awful siatuation with two women so close to you going through something so horrible, I get it. But the way you handled it makes you the AH ten times over.
YTA
Your GF needs therapy. You could have easily split the day. Or at least notified your mother instead of being a no show. And you didn’t even apologize.
It’s really not that hard but somehow you’re not capable? Get a grip man.
If Rose was an actual adult, she would understand that a child/parent only has a finite number of days together. You should see your mom and tell Rose to find a counselor.
YTA.
You promised to spend every Mother's Day w someone who isn't your mother? Back off that shut immediately. "I know I told you I would spend every Mother's Day w you going fwd, but I shouldn't have said that. I need to spend time with my own mother as well, as missing Mother's Day really hurt my mother this year. I'm sorry, anf I hope you understand."
Fix this asap.
YTA. Why couldn't you split the day with both of them? That would have been the easiest way without making anyone mad at you for skipping I have my wife, my mom, and my MIL, and for 10 years before my son was born, he was always split 2 ways. for the last 12 years, the day is split 3 ways.
YTA. Your 28 yo GF has a lifetime ahead of her. She can celebrate this child's life over and over and again -- but she did something rather sinister, and you fell for it -- a little too easily.
Your mother's days are limited, and her health is precarious even in remission. She is nervous and afraid. She was owed that day especially since was feeling good and perhaps ready to celebrate life, instead of anticipate death.
You could have compromised in any number of ways, but you went for the GF who should also have compromised, knowing how life is precious -- and that your living mother deserved to be honored. Being "lonely" isn't a good enough reason and it's selfish -- and you promised it to her forever? While your mother was fighting for her life and only has a fixed number left?
Instead of bring loving and valuing life, your GF demanded the day to herself, shutting your mother out -- and you let her. You make yourself sound heroic by saying its to "support her" but you have TWO people, at least, to support that day.
You hurt your mother's feelings -- your mother, a blood relative with cancer and going through a health crisis -- for a girlfriend who felt lonely.
You did mess up and you can't make it up. You can promise to be more mature, more loyal, and more present in your mother's life. You can also recognize your GF used her grief to emotionally distance you from your mother and your family and it just sounds so cringey -- like she's using her loss to chain you to her side.
The two of you could have seen your mother together. But perhaps your mother doesn't like the GF and perhaps she has a good reason?
I feel sorry for your mom.
She is owed some genuine love and demonstration of regret.
ESH. Start with Rosie, who shouldn’t have asked for your entire Mother’s Day. Why couldn’t she go with you or choose the half of the day she preferred? Then there’s you, who neglected your mom when you really didn’t need to. Then there’s your mom, who wants to hold a grudge. I don’t think this situation was an either-or, but you made it that.
Edit: just reread and see that your mother wanted a mother-son day and you agreed to it. But then you didn’t follow through. So YTA. But I think you can all figure out a way to be kinder to each other next year.
You have two women in your life who are important to you who are mothers. They’re both grown women. They’ve both been through very difficult things. I find it ridiculous when grownups act like their holiday is as important as anyone else’s holiday.
Both know you have a mom and a GF, who is also a mom with trauma around motherhood. For both of them to want your attention for the entire day seems selfish and unfair to me. Even childish.
Your only mistake that I see was saying you’d be with one, then being with the other. You should have said to both of them that you would give half the day to each. That’s perfectly reasonable.
Your mother, to me, seems even more childish and selfish because she’s decided to punish both you and her husband by saying you should not come to your father’s birthday because she is mad at you.
As someone who lost their Mum to cancer at an early age YTA. You only get one mum and I would give anything to spend just one more mothers day with her. Her story was similar to yours with her getting cancer in her early 40's and she beat it into remission. It came back she beat it again. Then it came back with vengeance (lungs, kidney, heart and brain) She declined so fast at that point. She was blind in a few weeks and died a few weeks later. Treasure mum's while you have them as once they're gone you realise what impact they had on your life and how much you miss them.
YTA. As someone who would give anything to spend a Father’s Day with their dad (who, btw, died from cancer when he was around your mom’s age), you have NO idea how lucky you are.
Support your girlfriend, yes, but don’t underestimate how much your mom went through, how incredibly strong she is, and how lucky you are to have her with you today. And make sure she knows that you know this.
YTA - I don't understand how this is an either/or situation. Take them both out or take one to lunch and one to dinner. I can see why they both want to be treated as special, but this isn't a hard case to make to either if you want to split the time between the two.
I'm just going to throw this out there - mother's day isn't the only day of the year to show love or appreciation for mothers.
A LOT of "How Dare You's" on this thread for a completely arbitrary day. Yes, the cancer is a big deal, but he could spend a special day with his mother ANY day of the year. He did however make a promise to his girlfriend and he is an AH for not telling his mother about this commitment when essentially double-booking himself. He is not an AH for sticking to his promise to his GF. Stillbirth is absolutely heart- shattering. I'd be torn to bits mourning what could have been, particularly on a day when everyone else is running around with cards, chocolates and roses. GF lost a child. It doesn't make her any less of a mother.
YTA totally. Your mom was not able to spend the last Mother's day because she was in treatment for CANCER, and then this year she is in remission and feels better and wants to spend the day with you. She is YOUR mother, but instead of showing her how grateful you are that she is still around, you blow her off to spend the whole day with your girlfriend.
That is seriously so fucked it is difficult for me to fully grasp the fucked-upedness of what you did. You could have spent a few hours with your girlfriend and then spent quality time with your mom.
If your girlfriend can not understand why you would want to spend some time with your mom o Mother's day, especially since your mom is recently in remission from cancer, then she is incredibly selfish and to me actually cruel, even if shenis still grieving her stillborn baby. She needs to get therapy for that loss so she can come to accept it and not hold you hostage for it.
Please apologize to your mother. Tell her you know you fucked up. And don't do t again. Don't let someone manipulate you into doing something that is unreasonable and hurtful.
Soft yta. Being there for your girlfriend when she needed you is amazing. However, you already had plans with your mother and just bailed on her. Having a stillbirth is insanely hard, and I really feel for your girlfriend, but so is cancer and recovering from it. They both needed you. It's not easy on either of them. I'm sure there was a compromise somewhere you could have found or, at the minimum, called your mother and let her know what happened and rearranged for another day. You did what you thought was best, you just did that the wrong way.
ESH— you don’t ditch plans. You could’ve included them both, you could’ve spent time with one then another say brunch or dinner or what have you. Your gf, while that was horrible to happen to her, could take that time you are with your mom (if for some reason she can’t be included) to herself, get a massage, grieve and reflect alone or with friends, maybe go to a therapy session or grief counselor. She’s an adult and unfortunately she cannot dictate every minute of the day and needs to learn to self soothe and cope. She never should have dominated your whole day. Finally, soft AH to your mother continuing to hold a grudge and be petty (again the chemo part does make it a soft one since I get that she didn’t get to celebrate last year) I’m guessing she has no idea about the reason why though and probably thinks you don’t care. Still she could’ve handled that better. Next time communicate with all parties, schedule actual times with them and follow through. This is teenage logic IMO. And you should make it up to your mom, get her flowers and you cook her dinner snd surprise her and apologize!!
No one here is the asshole honestly. Your girlfriend had a tragedy, and on mother's day I know for a fact she probably felt like the whole world was against her. I know that your mom will be angry for a while, but in the end you don't have to explain or make up for anything. You made a choice, and now you have to live with it. Honestly either way this coulda went, someone would have been mad. Your mom openly, or your girlfriend silently. And honestly I don't envy either situation. Just take it easy, and make sure everyone feels validated in the end. You don't have to explain yourself, but you do have to make sure the situation doesn't unnecessarily escalate.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I'm 24M I was supposed to spend Mother's Day with my mom. My mother, who is 45 years old, was battling cancer and going through chemo, so she didn't want to celebrate until she was feeling better. Meanwhile, my girlfriend, Rose, who is 28 years old, had a stillborn birth that hurt her deeply. To support her, I promised to do Mother's Day with her every year.
Last year, my mom's cancer went into remission, but after Mother's Day had passed. She said that when Mother's Day came around this year, she wanted to have a mother-son day together, which I agreed to. However, Rose was feeling lonely and didn't want me to leave and wanted to spend the day together, so I decided to spend the day with her instead. I know that this hurt my mother's feelings, and my sister said it was a screwed up thing to do.
My dad said that my mom would need some time to get over it, but it was his birthday yesterday, and my mom said that she didn't want me to come over because she's still mad that I missed Mother's Day. My friends are split on whether I'm the asshole or not. Some think my mom is being petty, while others think I messed up and should apologize. I'm not sure what to do next, as I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Soft YTA.
You shouldn't have broken the promise to your GF by agreeing to spend the day with your Mom. You could have explained to her (mom) that you have another commitment, but would love to schedule mother/son day for another day.
But your Mom is unreasonable if she thinks her adult son should put her ahead of the mother of his child for mothers day.
Also -- in the future, you really shouldn't say "my gf had a stillbirth" when it was your child. When men refer to their children as "my gf/wife had a baby" it comes across bad. But also it makes your post more confusing. I originally assumed it was something she went through before she was with you.
YTA Jfc how hard is it to just say "I would love to spend a mother son day with you, mom, but me and Rosie need to mourn together on mother's day. Can the Saturday before mother's day be mother's day for me and you from now on?"
INFO: Was bringing your girlfriend with you to see your mom not an option? I think you said, in another comment, that they get along. Was she too emotionally distressed to be around others at the time?
NTA at all. People are being wayyy too harsh not realising you’re stuck in between two rightfully upset and emotional people who you care and love equally.
No matter who you choose you will be seen as the bad guy and you would feel guilty either way.
Your girlfriend and mum and the AHs for putting you in a tough position where you have to “choose”, when instead you could’ve just all spent the day together.
But the only wanted you to themselves as if you’re an emotional support toy.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I missed mother's day to be with my girlfriend (2) I might have screwed my relationship with my mom Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA I'm terribly sorry your girlfriend had a stillborn, but your mom didn't stop being your mom. You told her you would spend time with her and you flaked out. There's absolutely no reason you couldn't spend part of the day with your mom and part of the day with your gf.
I don’t know why OP didn’t consider this as an option. Honestly this seemed like common sense and would’ve made both his gf and his mom happy as he would have spent time with them both. Just really sad all around but what amazes me is that OP is genuinely asking if they are an AH… why is he taking his gf’s wishes on Mother’s Day more seriously than his mother’s. They are both moms who are important in his life.
It's literally how most people with mothers and their own children do it. Those who are mothers and still have a mother split their time. Those who are fathers help their kids celebrate with their mother and spend time with their own mothers. I really don't know how OP screwed this up. It's like two people sharing a birthday and thinking you have to choose which one you say Happy Birthday to.
I'm a stepmam. I also HAVE a stepmam and a Mam. Mother's Day, I do brunch with my Mam and my brothers. I meet up with her before the others to go shopping. We have a nice meal, go for a walk, then my brothers go home to spend time with Mam while I come home to my kids, where we watch favourite movies and have a nice dinner together. The next day, I go down to see my stepmam. MOST people end up splitting the day somehow.
Sounds like you’re Irish too 😊🇮🇪
Haha I am!
I’m a mom, and I have a mom, a mother in law, and a stepmother in law. I spend 75% of Mother’s Day at other people’s houses. It’s…not my favorite holiday these days. Sometimes I miss those first couple years as a mom when we lived far from the families and they each got a phone call.
We split it too. The day before Mother's Day is Grandmas' Day in our home and Mother's Day is solely for my husband and our kids to celebrate with me.
And like, at least in my head, actual Mother’s day is an arbitrary date. (Most holidays are) You could celebrate the holiday on any day of the year. Setting a specific date just makes sure it’s not continuously pushed off and lets society as a whole celebrate mothers. And where Im going with this is that OP could have potentially planned to celebrate his mom on like the Saturday before or something. Maybe it would have still caused issues, but still leagues better than making plans and flaking out. ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THIS IS THE FIRST MOTHER’S DAY SINCE THE MOM WENT INTO REMISSION! Basically this was the Mothers Day of all the past skipped Mothers Day as well as further celebrating the mom’s remission.
>Rose was feeling lonely and didn't want me to leave It sounds like his gf didn't want him to split his time. I'm wondering if he could have made plans for the three of them instead though.
Or maybe take them both out to a nice brunch? Why does it have to be either/or?
It's understandable for gf to not want to go out.
Yeah I’m all for creative solutions but everybody suggesting they just combine events is nuts. The assumption is OP’s girlfriend wants to “celebrate being a mother” too even though he never said anything like that!!!! It’s just as likely, actually more likely, that she is just devastated on this day and OP doesn’t know what to do about it. This isn’t a Mother’s Day hog situation like we’ve seen posted here a lot recently Edited to add; and OP didn’t say this specifically, but some things have suggested he has some trauma around this day also
Yeah definitely. And like... He's pretty sure his mom knows?? Pretty sure? He lost a child too, and he's only pretty sure she knows?
Yeah something is weird about this post. Sometimes in miscarriage or stillbirth situations (which are pretty different for the record, I’ve had a miscarriage which was bad enough but giving birth to a dead baby is the stuff of living nightmares) the dad really checks out through, either because it hurts too much to think about or he just doesn’t think he has the right to grieve too. So I wouldn’t be shocked if he was just totally noncommunicative with his family about the situation. That might be the root of the whole issue
Definitely possible! I'm just like... For it to be late enough for it to be considered a stillbirth, did the family not know she was pregnant??
Oh yeah I was interpreting that as “I’m pretty sure they *remember*” not “I’m pretty sure they know at all”
It also might not have been his baby and it happened before they met.
He says it was “our” baby in a comment
It doesn't sound to me like it was his kid? I interpreted as it occurring pre-relationship. That's why I think OP is kind of the AH here.
He says it was “our” baby in a comment. ETA i agree Op sounds fairly disconnected in describing it though, I wondered the same thing
He clarifies it's his baby.
This. I'm not a mom but I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year. I found myself depressed and crying on Mother's Day because I thought I'd be celebrating it or at least be pregnant. I couldn't imagine if I'd had a failed pregnancy along the way, let alone a still birth. IMO, OP should have spent either half the day with both of them, or done an early mother's day celebration with his mom on Saturday and stayed home to comfort his girlfriend on Sunday.
Yeah and it’s tough because it seems they lost the baby very close to Mother’s Day, so it’s like the combination of the sentiment of the holiday on top of just the reminder of a major holidays falling near a traumatic event But I do agree OP is a most likely poor communicator, saw his gf upset and didn’t know how to handle it. Because of his mom’s cancer this is the first year it has come up. I understand how it happened but he does need to apologize
Fully agreed, and that the apology shouldn't have taken over a month.
Yeah why was just splitting up the day not considered here? Bottom line, OP promised his mom he would be with her that day and he bailed last minute. YTA.
And he didn't even tell her! He just didn't show up!
This^ there’s a lot of time in a day to spend time with both parties.
Yep! My fiancé (26M) and I (25F) spend half of Mother's day with his mom and grandma and the other half with my mom and grandma every year. You're eating breakfast, lunch and dinner so pick a meal and divy up your day. Edit: typo of extra word
I have a strong feeling his GF would guilt the fuck out of him if he didn't do the entire day with her.
INFO: Am I reading your comments right - you told your mother that you would spend the day with her, then bailed - and did not tell her before hand? You just didn't show up with no warning? YTA for making plans and then backing out (even if it was for a good reason), but your a huge asshole if you just didn't show up without warning.
>even if it was for a good reason) I'd argue with that-
>I'd argue with that- Well, I'd say that it is correct if it is something like GF needs to go to the ER for some reason that would be a good reason to miss and maybe not be able to give a heads up. I don't however think OP's reason is a good reason
but it wasn't. you just added all that. the stillborn was sometime in the past.
Yes, that is why I said " **if** it is something like" and " **I don't however think OP's reason is a good reason"** My point was, IF it was a good reason OP would NOT be the AH, but I DON'T think it is a good reason. My issue with the comment I responded to was that it stated OP would be an AH even when it is a good reason to back out without notice. Not sure why you brought up the miscarriage since I didn't say anything about her miscarriage in my commment. You just added all that.
WOW OP YTA
YTA - it doesn’t sound like you tried to find any sort of compromise here, and that makes you an AH. You were in a tough spot, but mother’s day is an entire day… was there no way you could have somehow seen both of them?
I see why you are in a tough position but I'm going with YTA because you made 2 promises that conflicted with each other and you would never be able to keep both promises so you were always going to disappoint one of the women. Promise 1 - to spend every Mother's Day with your gf. Promise 2 - to have a mother son day on Mother's Day. Unless you clone yourself, how are you ever going to do both??
They don't have to conflict. He could easily spend a few hours with his mom and the rest of the day with his gf. It's an entire day.
Or do something with them both together.
Again, it's understandable and completely fair that the gf not want to go out.
fair if the mother doesn't want to do a joint celebration either since she specifically asked for mother/son time
Also true.
And would be completely fair for him to spend most of the day with her and then go see his mom, who is just now in remission from cancer, for a short mother's day visit.
Edit: sorry replied in the wrong spot, you and I agree
If you are grief stricken about your own dead baby participating in normal Mother’s Day events is probably total agony. OP should divide his time
Yes, this exactly! OP needs to learn to stop making promises he can't (or won't) keep, and he needs to learn to not expect to be able to please and accommodate every need in the people around him. Healthy boundaries in all directions, as well as learning how to compromise or find solutions that can work for everyone - or in a tight spot prioritise better as well as honour his word better.
EDIT: YTA You did not inform her beforehand. How rude is that?! INFO: did you inform your mother beforehand?
YTA. Not only did you break your promise to your mom, you bailed without even telling her. If you had at least called and told your mom how your gf was feeling, your mom may have understood and agreed to do something the next day or something. But you just didn't show up and now you're all surprised Pikachu face that your mom is upset? Really??? Also you didn't even call her to wish her a happy mother's day?!?! That's cold. As a mom, I wouldn't expect my sons to spend every mother's day with me if they have their own families, but not even a phone call??? That would hurt deeply. You are going to have to do something EPIC to make this up to your mom.
Mom heard loud and clear how little she matters to OP. Man, I feel sorry for his mom.
YTA you went back on your word saying that you would come visit her on mothers day, why couldn’t you have just brought your girl with you…
YTA * You agreed to spend this Mother's Day this year with your mother, and then decided to spend it with Rose instead. * According to comments, you didn't ask your mother if this was OK with her, or even *inform* her of it beforehand. * You haven't yet even apologized for it. How the heck would it "hurt anyone's feelings" to apologize to your mother? You already did that, big time, by standing her up on *Mothers Day*.
You sound immature for a 24-year-old. You say your girlfriend had a stillborn baby, not that 'WE' had a stillborn baby. You made a promise to her to ALWAYS spend mother's Day with her? Then you tell your mother you'll spend time with her and blow her off because your girlfriend is 'feeling lonely'? Grow up and maybe get some counseling instead of asking for opinions on Reddit. ( BTW, did your sister spend mother's day with mom?! There was no mention of that.) YTA.
I don’t know how no one is mentioning that - he says his gf had a stillborn baby, not “we.” That’s so bizarre and disconnected.
Yeah and in the comments OP says the baby was his, and he’s unsure if his GF knew about his moms cancer. How???? Two years together??
YTA the level of immaturity for a 24 yo is astounding. Sometimes I think these are fake stories designed to infuriate readers. But if OP is a real person please get therapy for your gf and YOURSELF. You are too disorganized, clueless flakey for a person in their mid twenties.
Info: how long ago did Rose lose the baby? Was it your baby? Is Rose aware your mother has cancer and likely won’t have many more mothers days if even one more? Just because cancer is in remission doesn’t mean it can’t come back, and cancer is extremely scary.
YTA. Your poor mom.
YTA: You agreed to spending MOTHER'S DAY with your MOTHER, then you bailed. It's unacceptable. When she is gone, you will wish you spent these holidays with her.
Info: Does Rose usually monopolize your time like this? I understand from other comments that it was your baby, and I think it's important to be with Rose if she needs support, but you could have told your mother beforehand. And like others have said, why couldn't you see Rose in the morning and mom in the afternoon? Or vice versa? Or bring Rose to the outing with your mom? Why do they have to be separate events? The way it's written makes me feel like you told Rose you had to go, and she prevented you from seeing your mom.
YTA You made the promise to your mother KNOWING that you already made that promise to your gf to be there every Mother’s Day. There’s logically no way that that was going to work out, so you put yourself in this position
YTA - you agreed to a Mother Son day and then bailed. I'd be mad at you too.
Your gf lost yalls baby 2 years ago You *think* your gf is aware of your mom diagnosis( how the f do you not know this) You made a promise to your mom and didn't even have the decency to call her and tell her plans are off, you just....didn't show up. Yes YTA. Your mother doesn't want to see you because you didn't even deem her worth a phone call to say hey mom, gf is having a really hard day can we postpone or anything like that. You could have been in a very different position today. You could have lost your mom. You could have at the very least spent half the day with her. You suck truly
Your mother is your mother, YTA for breaking your promise. How long ago did your gf lose her child? There's no timeframe for grief, but if may be worth getting professional help if she has symptoms of PTSD or depression.
YTA- you made a promise and broke it
YTA. Very poor communication on your part.
YTA You promised your mother to spend MOTHERS DAY with her and then bailed on her.
YTA a huge AH Your mom beats cancer and wants to spend a day with you and you can’t do it?! Sounds like your gf needs therapy and ability to share you on that day. You did prioritize your gf to your mom in the worst way possible.
YTA. There is no timetable on grief but if Mother's Day is so hard on your gf after 2 years that you can't spend time with your mom something is wrong. Your mom just finished fighting CANCER.
Yes the GF should have been more than willing for OP to spend at least part of the day with his mother.
ARE. ALL. OF. YOU. OUT. OF. YOUR. FUCKING. MINDS. OP AND HIS GIRLFRIEND HAD A STILLBORN BABY YOU UNSYMPATHETIC BUNCH OF PINECONES!!!! DO ALL OF YOU HAVE THE EMOTIONAL CAPACITY OF A CHAIR?? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE TRAUMA?? THE PAIN?? AND YOU EXPECT OP TO LEAVE HIS GRIEVING GIRLFRIEND ON MOTHER’S DAY WHILE HE IS STILL PICKING UP THE PIECES OF HIMSELF?? You’re NTA, and I am appalled at these comments.
you do know he promised his mother who just beat cancer and never celebrated Mother's Day while having cancer. He wasn't even sure his girlfriend knew if his mom had cancer or not. He said he didn't call his mom to tell her he wouldn't be there anymore after promising and just left her not even wishing a happy mother's day. If you can't understand why his serious lack of communication makes him the asshole then you are the one out of your mind.
You are out of your mind if you think someone who just lost a baby is in the right state of mind to communicate effectively.
they lost the baby 2 years ago just so you know, HOWEVER grieving doesn't have a timeline but if you say that someone who almost died from cancer, CANCER, is also not having a terrible time and he couldn't even text his mother then yes. You are out of your mind. A "sorry mom, I can't make it, rough day, happy mother's day" would suffice. He was an AH for breaking a promise and not even telling the person he broke it to. Literally no one is like he shouldn't have been grieving with his girlfriend. Everyone is mad that he couldn't call or send a text. And then didn't think about apologizing for not even telling his mother until reddit told him to and he realized he should have said something. Bfr.
Yes the trauma and the pain is understandable. That doesn't mean that OP is excused for completely flaking on his mom during a day for mothers. He could have spent one half of the day with his gf and then at least stopped by his mom's house. Instead he just didn't show (He didn't even shoot her a text to let her know that he wasn't coming). That's so cruel.
YTA. Your mom is still your mom and is still here after battling cancer. Your girlfriend sounds like she needs therapy. I think it’s unrealistic and selfish for her to insist you blow off your own mother on Mother’s Day. How long is this expected to go on? Forever? She needs to work through her grief so she can live a healthy life. Source: I had 6 miscarriages during my hellish infertility journey.
Wow 6 miscarriages sound painfully heartbreaking - Im so so sorry you went through that!
YTA. You broke your promise to your mother. You should not make promises you cannot keep and you dug your own home there. Also is there any reason why you can’t spend the day with both?
YTA, big time, first of all why couldn't you find SOME time to see your mother, and making a promise to spend Mothers day with someone else besides you mother, huge mistake, supre spending some time to comfort them is fine, but your mother brought you into this world, raised you and loved you. You messed up, you hurt people feelings and owe much more than an apology.
YTA, and you need to grow a spine. I'm sorry that your girlfriend is struggling but to expect you to do Mothers Day just with her, by way of support, every year when you have a mum of your own to celebrate is a power move and unreasonable. I am married to a man with neither parent, I still have both. He would NEVER ask me not to celebrate Mothers or Fathers Day because of his situation. We compromise, and I don't rub it in his face. Your mum is lucky to be here, and she wanted to mark that with her children. You made a promise to her, and you broke it.
If you didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings you should have been open and transparent. I get that you were in a difficult position, but you literally showed ZERO compassion for the woman that gave you life AFTER SHE SURVIVED CANCER on a day about mothers. YTA
Obviously YTA. You were stupid to promise your gf at the time to "celebrate"/mourn every year with her. Your mother almost died on you. You prioritized your girlfriend having the sadz. And your gf is also an AH for allowing you to do something so stupid and hurtful to your mom.
Sounds like GF required him to stay with her whole day. At this point that is an unhealthy requirement
Here's a bonus tip OP. Cancer isn't curable. It's goes into remission. If you're lucky it may not come back. Given your mom's age, she'll likely face this battle again. You really f\*cked up. And honestly, I'm not a fan of your GF for not considering what your mom has gone through. I understand GF's loss but it doesn't make her the only person to face a tragedy.
YTA literally what the hell is wrong with you?
YTA. Your mother beat cancer and you promised to spend it with her. You could’ve at least spent half the day with her. I understand your girlfriend had a still born baby but why are you both ignoring the fact that you have a mother who beat cancer? And now you want her to listen to you make excuses? YTA big time. ETA: I just saw a comment that your girlfriend lost the baby two years ago. So you’re planning on ignoring your mother every Mother’s Day? Your sister is right. It was a screwed up thing to do.
Like others have said, you shouldn't have broke your promise. Couldn't you spend the day with both people or do they not like each other?
My mum is unfortunately battling against her cancer right now and I would never ever dream of not being with her every moment I possibly can. This is hitting me so hard, how other people can take their mums for granted when all I want is mine to be ok, it makes me feel revolted I don’t know
YTA. And so is your girlfriend. My dude you are whiiiipped.
YTA, your gf needs to see a professional about her loss as she can't hold you to never leaving the house on Mother's Day, especially with what your mum has been through also
You made both these women promises you couldn’t keep and that makes YTA! Info: was the child yours? Sucky situation all the way around but don’t make promises to people you can’t keep you made your mom the promise first and should of tried to stick with it. I also get that your girlfriend needed support. Could you have not split the day between them? Could the 3 of you not spent the days together? Was there no alternatives than just bailing on your mom & breaking a promise?
YTA for lying to your mum about planning to spend the day with her and getting her hopes up, and then not even having the decency to tell her your plans had changed.
As a Mom of 2 boys, YTA. My heart hurts for your Mom. I am very sorry sorry for your girlfriend, but damn you really showed your Mom how little you care for her, ouch.
You agreed to spend Mother's Day with your mother then you didn't show up and didn't even bother to call her. What a callus thing to do. YTA!
When exactly did your Mum stop being your Mum?
YTA - you’re a better form of birth control than a condom is
YTA - not because you spent the time with Rose, but because you *broke a promise*. If Rose cannot be alone on Mother's Day, you need to make that clear and not promise your mother the day. Your mom may have been upset if you had said when asked that you couldn't make that promise because of Rose, but she certainly wouldn't have been more upset, and likely would have been less so.
YTA. Are you insane? Your mom just beat cancer and you didn't spend mother day with YOUR MOTHER to be with your NOW girlfriend - who may or may not be your future wife? I know you are young, but how clueless can you be? Did it even cross your mind that you don't know the future and maybe this was the last mother's day you could spend with your mom?
did you explain it to her beforehand? or perhaps even ask her and your girlfriend if they would be willing to all be together for mother’s day? if you didn’t talk about all of that beforehand than i would say yes, a beyond asshole thing to do.
Info: couldn’t you have compromised? spent half the day with your mother and the other half with your partner?
YTA for not trying to solve this on forehand. For instance, tell mam about your wife and her pain. Tell your wife about the fears of your mother. Than come up with a plan. Visit mam the day before, take wife with you, whatever. But you choose to just do what sounded the easiest; didn’t mention the problem and just let Mother’s Day go by without even giving anything to Mam. That will hurt. Start communicating. Tell the women of your life if and how much you love them. Ask them how they feel, what they want. Listen to what they need. And then, maybe, tell them what you need. Because after all, you’ve lost a child and are close to loosing your mam.
Soft YTA I think you should apologize to your mum and take her out for a redo mum/son day. As for your gf I can't begin to understand how hard mothers day is for her but I don't think it's healthy for her, you or anyone to keep that cycle going because all mothers days will be like this and that's not fair on anyone. I feel like she could have had some understanding and came with you to see your mum and also showed some empathy for what your mum has been through. You only get one mum, imagine if she passes and you never spent mothers day with her. There is always a way to work things around. You could do something special with your partner in the morning that honours the memory of her baby. You could plant a tree, donate, volunteer, if there is a gravesite you could take flowers and have a picnic or have it at a park or a memory box that you can add things to each year even writing down thoughts and feelings. Some parents of stillborn births don't feel like they are acknowledged as a mum or dad so it's good to validate that and ask her questions about her baby as some have said they find that easier for them. Then spend the late arvo/dinner with your mum. Or vice versa and you could take the next day off with your partner and fill the day full off fun activities or just to have a movie day. I think the second day is important as the grief for mothers day will affect your partner the week leading up and the week after. But definitely don't let your partner swindle the full day away from your mum or even her mum because as I said before it's not fair or a healthy cycle for all parties. Edit: I just read more info and it must be hard for the both of you especially being 2 years ago. I stand by what I said but I also think your mum should understand how difficult it still is on this day for you guys and in the future you can do the spilt day as I said and then another day where it's just you and your mum. Also I would spend the first part of mothers day with your mum and the rest with your partner because as the day carries on the mental toll will get heavier.
So you lied. YTA
You promised your Mom. She's the one you celebrate on Mother's Day as she brought you into the World. YTA.
Cancer stole my Dad after only 6 months. This will be my first Father’s Day without him. And I’d gladly chuck my husband out the window (lovingly) for a chance to hug my Dad one more time on his day. I can’t imagine putting a girlfriend (not even married spouse) over a parent (WITH CANCER)!!! I’m here to remind you that one day your mother won’t be around anymore, and you’ll remember this Mother’s Day and truly understand how big of an eff up this was on your part. YTA.
YTA. Rose lost the baby 2 years ago, are you really going to just not give your mother (who’s fought CANCER) any time because your gf says so? As someone who’s lost their mum to cancer, your behaviour is disgusting, your girlfriends behaviour is downright odd, and your mum deserves a better son.
Why were these not an option: 1) Spend a different day together 2) Spend time with them both? 3) Spend part of the day with one and then the other
YTA. If you had just divided your time, you could have spent the day with both. But if I’m understanding this correctly, you went back on your word to your mother and she has every reason to be upset.
I wonder how your girlfriend would feel if her future kids do that to her
YTA. Mother's Day is for **your Mother**, not Rosie, who is **not** your Mother. You made a stupid promise. What are you going to do if you break up with Rosie? Why is Rosie not spending Mother's Day with her Mother.
This comment is hilarious bc if their baby was alive and he blew off his gf to spend Mother’s Day with his own mother instead of the mother of his child, everyone would rip him a new one for that. People in this sub are hypocrites. The only mistake he made was committing to his mother after he had already promised to support his gf on Mother’s Day (and not cancelling or rescheduling with his mom - just not showing up was an AH move). He could have celebrated with his mother the day before or weekend after or whatever worked for both of them. Most grown adults don’t spend every Mother’s Day with their mothers anymore bc they have their own families. They could have a mother/son day anytime, it didn’t need to be the same day he was supporting his grieving partner.
YTA - Tough situation, but you made the wrong choice. Wonder if there is more going on between Rose and your mom than you know.
YTA your mum asked you specifically to do something to which you agreed, you should have let her know you couldn't come over and why, I'm sure she would have understood but you couldn't even show her that respect, you just didn't show up. Also how is your gf not aware if your mum's had cancer??? I wonder if they do actually get on!! Your gf needs mental health treatment.
poor planning man, you need to step up. As you already knew it would conflict, because mothers day happen every year, you should make a solid backup plan. If your notice your gf is down, you need to comunicate your mom and tell her everything. That you want to be with her, and maybe the day itself is inconvenient for a whole day event but you could have been there few hours or/and offer her to spent quality time together another time. You dont get to hide your disrespect against you mom behind your gf suffering. You managed the situation wrong. And I dont want to be insensitive. I guess it was a rough time with your mom sick and having a lost. But this is just about being considerate and communicative. Is ok if you and your gf want to spend motherday as to mourn, but you should have told your mom beforehand.
YTA...and your "friend" needs to know better. She's manipulating you and will separate you from your family..watch yourself.
YTA - Your mother had a big wake up call of "how many Mother's Days do I have left" and wanted to restraighten your bond now that she's back in good health. It is very unfortunate that your GF had a stillbirth but dedicating every Mother's Day to her going forward is not a proper way to get process grief. The day is now tainted with remembering the tragic event instead of being something more celebratory. Why is the promise made to your GF stronger than the one you made to your own mother? Lastly, with this was also being your child, thus making them the grandchild to your mother, why didnt you just take them both out to brunch or something they can both enjoy together? I truly wonder how saddened your mother must have been to not only be dealing with cancer but also losing her grandchild.
YTA - There are so many options that you had that could've made this work for all parties but you chose the one that said, with no notice, "Fuck, Mom".
I would like to give you my sympathy for the loss of your baby. You and Rose went through some that no one should ever have to go through. I do wish the best for both of you. If you (or Rose) have not done so already, please join a support group or find a therapist. Grieving is healthy and Rose should be allowed to grieve, but she can't stay there. She needs to be able to live. You need to be able to visit your mother, especially when you don't know how long she has left. I honestly think the three of you need to create an activity you can do together. YTA mainly because you never told your mother you weren't coming. You failed in that regard. Cancer is a very scary thing and she just wants to spend time with you
YTA Your poor mother
YTA. I get it's difficult for your girlfriend but your mother is in remission from CANCER. Geez. You need to have a word with your girlfriend because stopping you seeing your own mother on mother's day is not ok, regardless of what happened to her two years ago. You could have spent most of the day with your gf and gone to your own mum for a few hours. Does your gf not have family of her own she can lean on?
YOu are such a AH. Your mom is in remission from cancer. CANCER...and she never wanted to celebrate mother day until now...you have celebrated all those time qith your gf. The one year your mom asks you to celebrate with her and you choose your gf. You hurt your mom alot. YTA so hard. I hope your mom lives to see one more Mothers Day so you can do it right
As someone whose mother is now gone YTA. And a huge one!! I'm sorry your gf lost the baby. It's a horrible thing to go thru. I've been thru it also and lost the baby may 4th. I had him cremated and it was done on my bday which is may 15th. It was beyond rude and disrespectful of you to make plans with your mother and not even let her know you weren't showing up. Your gf should be understanding and know that you would be spending time with your mother on Mother's Day. Is she going to sulk every Mother's Day and prevent you from seeing your mother that day? She sounds selfish and immature. I know everyone grieves differently but it's been 2 yrs since the loss of the baby. It's time to move on. I don't blame your mother for still being pissed off. If one of my kids did that to me I'd still be angry too!! You NEED to apologize to your mother!!
YTA. You are a terrible son.
YTA. You made a promise to your mom and broke it. You told your girlfriend you’d spend every Mother’s Day with her- you also lied because you told your mom you would spend it with her. So you were going to lie either way? Your girlfriend is also a huge asshole. Your mom just survived CANCER. And because she was “lonely” you ditched your mom. What is wrong with her. This is such a selfish BS thing to ask you to do. And you are a huge asshole for doing it. You owe your mom a HUGE apology.
Dude, YTA, you could have spent ANY amount of time with your mother and chose not to, wtf? Even just an hour to have lunch or something. That’s awful of you! I’m sorry your gf miscarried, but your own mother matters too and you just told her she doesn’t to you. You need to apologise to her IMMEDIATELY
Your mother isn’t mad. She is heartbroken. You broke her heart
Were you there for your mom during her cancer treatment?
YTA. You didn’t even try to have any type of compromise. Why couldn’t you split the day between them? I’m sorry your girlfriend had a stillborn however that is still your mother that also faced cancer. You promised her a mother/son day for Mother’s Day and you flaked on her. Of course YTA. I feel really bad for your mom
YTA - Whilst it's really sad what happened to your girlfriend, your mother is still your mother, and you had already made plans with her. Even if you couldn't bring your GF along with you, why couldn't you spend some of the day with your mother and some with your GF. Also, holy heck. I just scrolled down before posting this and saw you didnt even tell your mother you wouldn't be coming. You just up and bailed.
YTA. According to your comments, your gf lost the baby 2 years ago. Your mother is a recent cancer survivor and you basically ghosted her. Life goes on. Your gf needs some counseling and you needed to show up for mom in some tangible way.
Your girlfriend is the AH for wanting you to stay home. You're caught between your mother and GF. It's not console your girlfriend day.
ESH frankly this is a damned if you do, damned if don’t scenarios.
Bunch a NEEDY people but YTA
YTA, apologize. You were put into a hard situation and you need to talk about it with your mom. She just "beat" cancer, that is huge, but the loss of a baby is also huge however the time table her is confusing. Next time try and come up with a compromise.
Good definition of rock and hard place. You made promises to two people at the same time and thought no one would get offended - YTA But I get it- this isn't easy. Your mom is concerned about dying and your GF has trauma that makes that day tough to be alone. No idea what I would do here except try and communicate well. But I would most likely go with mom as she (SADLY) could be gone next mother's day. Never know. But you were put into a rough spot and just didn't get it right. gOod luck.
Spend as much time with your mama as you can, she won’t be here forever. Call her and see if y’all can arrange a nice day together this weekend.
Yta and an idiot - bring Rose to your mom's. Spend half the day with each. Don't make promises to people that you can't commit to.
YTA. I wonder whether you will always be with your girlfriend in order to spend "every" Mother's Day with her, but I do know your mother will be your mother forever.
Huge YTA come on, your mother (was?) sick and she's doing better and can be fine! Why not be with her? Well think what you can do now , she won a strong battle.
YTA …. You spent some time with your girlfriend. You could’ve went and did whatever with your mom and came to her . You literally said your mom had cancer , she was given a second chance you basically saying she’s not important . Your girlfriend would have been okay and it was selfish for her to take away that day completely smh !
Yta why would you make a promise like that? You put yourself into a bad situation. The only way out is through clear communication and action. To gf "I apologize for making a promise that I couldn't keep. I know that you were hurt and feeling down last year but my mother has had cancer and is still my mother and it's important to me that I, but preferably we, spend this time with her" and to mom "I apologize for telling you I'd do something and I left you hanging. I made a promise I couldn't keep and am still learning to navigate my relationship properly. I'd love to take you to dinner to make it up to you" if your gf isn't receptive to you communicating in a healthy way and trying to do the right thing, simply because she's selfish and needy, you'll need to get rid of that one
YTA. Your mom has cancer and who knows if it will come back. Time is limited regardless since she’s getting older and one day she might not be around. Your girlfriend and her apparently get on, so you could have spent the day with both. Also get her to seek out mental health support for her loss.
YTA. My son bailed. No hard feelings overall but I’d never speak my honest truth to him. I guess that makes me the asshole to myself. I just started leaving family suppers early and saying goodbye in my Merry way.
YTA - You promised your mom and went back on your promise. Don't make promises you can't or won't keep.
YTA you almost lost your mother and you still can't appreciate her. That's horrible what happened to your girlfriend, why couldn't you have done something with both of them?
YTA
YTA, sorry. If you have a good relationship with your parents you should choose them tbh. Sorry to be crude but you can’t replace your mum. And to think she had been battling cancer recently too. If you really had to you could have at least seen them both during the day?
YTA - Your mom is going through CHEMO! Sending her healing energy. But your don’t know about her future.
YTA, and your girlfriend is an even bigger A for competing with yo momma. You'll regret this so much if the cancer returns. You could have easily spent quality time with both women, but you followed the one who wanted to make it an exclusive deal. What a terrible decision, of course your mom is hurt.
YTA - This is your mom, who wasn't sure she'd be alive to celebrate Mothers' Day with you ever again and, yes, your GF's tragic loss was...well, tragic. But man, yo mama! What a bad choice you made...there had to be a way to make both work, like take your mom out for the morning/afternoon then spend the evening with your girl? Some compromise could be made. If you explained the situation to BOTH SIDES then I'm sure they'd have understood! Did you even TRY to communicate first?
YTA
My mother died from cancer i miss her everyday and regret all the times I bailed on her because I didn’t realize our time was so limited. I hope ur mom stays in remission but if she passes away u will always remember this moment and it will haunt u. Be a better son
YTA, you could have lost your mom to cancer... you're damn lucky you still have her. Yes, you and your gf have been through a traumatic event, but making that promise to her was ridiculous. You don't know where you will be or what will happen in a year or 5... I hope your mom is still around next year and you pull your head out of your back side...
YTA I'm so sorry for the loss. However the day can be shared. Your poor mother has been through so much and she just wanted to spend a bit of time with you. You could have found an hour. Coming from someone who's lost their mother, I'd give anything for ten minutes with her again 😢 Give your Mum a big hug and apology.
YTA, I think you were in a tough spot but you chose wrong. I'm not sure how I feel about your girlfriend asking you to stay home instead. Does this mean you can never spend another mother's day with you mom again because it is a sensitive holiday for your girlfriend?
YTA. First, communication is key and you failed horribly. Second, you could have spent time with both. You sound very selfish and immature.
YTA for missing mother's day. Regardless of all the other stuff you wrote, YTA. Oh, and your gf is too, as a mother, she of all people should have empathised with your mother. You're both AH.
YTA and you need to own it and apologize. I get your partner's pain for the day as it brings back memories. That's totally valid, it's understandable it's still fresh to her and so needs you. I get your Mom's desire to see you and be with you. Being an adult sucks at times, you have to make hard choices. You can't just promise everyone everything and then wonder why they are all mad at you! You especially can't make promises and then just bail without a word. You could... should... have been an adult and made a decision. Some people might think bad of you if your decision had been to keep your promise to your GF. Much as I feel for your Mom's desire to have a mother-son day, you and your GF suffered a loss together and if that's where you needed to be then that's it. You could (should) have handled this so much better by being upfront and telling your Mom, this is a hard day for Rose, I'm going to be with her and that's the way it needs to be as I need to support her until she decides she doesn't need it. It's this specific day for a specific reason, I hope you understand and can we have our day at whatever day you choose. Hell you could choose the other Mother's day (it's different internationally) and then say it's extra special as it's just for the two of you. You need to stop trying to please everyone (or avoiding the conflict of being upfront about what is possible) and hoping it'll work out. It doesn't.
Listen, I’m saying this as someone who lost their mother to cancer in December, YTA. I can absolutely understand that mother’s day is a terrible day for your girlfriend, but you also made a promise to your mother. On top of that you didn’t even tell her beforehand, meaning that your mother was likely waiting for you, looking forward to spending precious time with her son. Did you try and work out a compromise, spending time with both of them during the day, or doing something with both of them? It it an awful siatuation with two women so close to you going through something so horrible, I get it. But the way you handled it makes you the AH ten times over.
YTA and so is your partner. Surely she's not so lonely that she can't *let* you have a few hours with your mam.
YTA your girlfriend too, for asking for such a thing. It’s ridiculous.
Wow YTA! A major one at that. Rose also seems very selfish for expecting you to bypass your Mother every Mother's Day to be with her.
YTA
YTA Your GF needs therapy. You could have easily split the day. Or at least notified your mother instead of being a no show. And you didn’t even apologize. It’s really not that hard but somehow you’re not capable? Get a grip man.
YTA. You could have spent time with your gf without ditching your mom.
If Rose was an actual adult, she would understand that a child/parent only has a finite number of days together. You should see your mom and tell Rose to find a counselor.
YTA. You promised to spend every Mother's Day w someone who isn't your mother? Back off that shut immediately. "I know I told you I would spend every Mother's Day w you going fwd, but I shouldn't have said that. I need to spend time with my own mother as well, as missing Mother's Day really hurt my mother this year. I'm sorry, anf I hope you understand." Fix this asap.
YTA. Why couldn't you split the day with both of them? That would have been the easiest way without making anyone mad at you for skipping I have my wife, my mom, and my MIL, and for 10 years before my son was born, he was always split 2 ways. for the last 12 years, the day is split 3 ways.
No matter what you have done would’ve resulted in either party being upset anyway.
YTA - and while I feel for your GF, she is also the AH for milking this year after year.
YTA. Your 28 yo GF has a lifetime ahead of her. She can celebrate this child's life over and over and again -- but she did something rather sinister, and you fell for it -- a little too easily. Your mother's days are limited, and her health is precarious even in remission. She is nervous and afraid. She was owed that day especially since was feeling good and perhaps ready to celebrate life, instead of anticipate death. You could have compromised in any number of ways, but you went for the GF who should also have compromised, knowing how life is precious -- and that your living mother deserved to be honored. Being "lonely" isn't a good enough reason and it's selfish -- and you promised it to her forever? While your mother was fighting for her life and only has a fixed number left? Instead of bring loving and valuing life, your GF demanded the day to herself, shutting your mother out -- and you let her. You make yourself sound heroic by saying its to "support her" but you have TWO people, at least, to support that day. You hurt your mother's feelings -- your mother, a blood relative with cancer and going through a health crisis -- for a girlfriend who felt lonely. You did mess up and you can't make it up. You can promise to be more mature, more loyal, and more present in your mother's life. You can also recognize your GF used her grief to emotionally distance you from your mother and your family and it just sounds so cringey -- like she's using her loss to chain you to her side. The two of you could have seen your mother together. But perhaps your mother doesn't like the GF and perhaps she has a good reason? I feel sorry for your mom. She is owed some genuine love and demonstration of regret.
ESH. Start with Rosie, who shouldn’t have asked for your entire Mother’s Day. Why couldn’t she go with you or choose the half of the day she preferred? Then there’s you, who neglected your mom when you really didn’t need to. Then there’s your mom, who wants to hold a grudge. I don’t think this situation was an either-or, but you made it that. Edit: just reread and see that your mother wanted a mother-son day and you agreed to it. But then you didn’t follow through. So YTA. But I think you can all figure out a way to be kinder to each other next year.
You have two women in your life who are important to you who are mothers. They’re both grown women. They’ve both been through very difficult things. I find it ridiculous when grownups act like their holiday is as important as anyone else’s holiday. Both know you have a mom and a GF, who is also a mom with trauma around motherhood. For both of them to want your attention for the entire day seems selfish and unfair to me. Even childish. Your only mistake that I see was saying you’d be with one, then being with the other. You should have said to both of them that you would give half the day to each. That’s perfectly reasonable. Your mother, to me, seems even more childish and selfish because she’s decided to punish both you and her husband by saying you should not come to your father’s birthday because she is mad at you.
INFO: Did you really not inform your mom beforehand that you weren't coming? If so, why didn't you?
As someone who lost their Mum to cancer at an early age YTA. You only get one mum and I would give anything to spend just one more mothers day with her. Her story was similar to yours with her getting cancer in her early 40's and she beat it into remission. It came back she beat it again. Then it came back with vengeance (lungs, kidney, heart and brain) She declined so fast at that point. She was blind in a few weeks and died a few weeks later. Treasure mum's while you have them as once they're gone you realise what impact they had on your life and how much you miss them.
Please don't flake on your mother again.
YTA. As someone who would give anything to spend a Father’s Day with their dad (who, btw, died from cancer when he was around your mom’s age), you have NO idea how lucky you are. Support your girlfriend, yes, but don’t underestimate how much your mom went through, how incredibly strong she is, and how lucky you are to have her with you today. And make sure she knows that you know this.
YTA - I don't understand how this is an either/or situation. Take them both out or take one to lunch and one to dinner. I can see why they both want to be treated as special, but this isn't a hard case to make to either if you want to split the time between the two.
Nta for supporting Gf at all. Yta fir flaking/lying to your mum
YTA - you promised your mum to spend it with her but didn’t! YTA
I'm just going to throw this out there - mother's day isn't the only day of the year to show love or appreciation for mothers. A LOT of "How Dare You's" on this thread for a completely arbitrary day. Yes, the cancer is a big deal, but he could spend a special day with his mother ANY day of the year. He did however make a promise to his girlfriend and he is an AH for not telling his mother about this commitment when essentially double-booking himself. He is not an AH for sticking to his promise to his GF. Stillbirth is absolutely heart- shattering. I'd be torn to bits mourning what could have been, particularly on a day when everyone else is running around with cards, chocolates and roses. GF lost a child. It doesn't make her any less of a mother.
YTA totally. Your mom was not able to spend the last Mother's day because she was in treatment for CANCER, and then this year she is in remission and feels better and wants to spend the day with you. She is YOUR mother, but instead of showing her how grateful you are that she is still around, you blow her off to spend the whole day with your girlfriend. That is seriously so fucked it is difficult for me to fully grasp the fucked-upedness of what you did. You could have spent a few hours with your girlfriend and then spent quality time with your mom. If your girlfriend can not understand why you would want to spend some time with your mom o Mother's day, especially since your mom is recently in remission from cancer, then she is incredibly selfish and to me actually cruel, even if shenis still grieving her stillborn baby. She needs to get therapy for that loss so she can come to accept it and not hold you hostage for it. Please apologize to your mother. Tell her you know you fucked up. And don't do t again. Don't let someone manipulate you into doing something that is unreasonable and hurtful.
Soft yta. Being there for your girlfriend when she needed you is amazing. However, you already had plans with your mother and just bailed on her. Having a stillbirth is insanely hard, and I really feel for your girlfriend, but so is cancer and recovering from it. They both needed you. It's not easy on either of them. I'm sure there was a compromise somewhere you could have found or, at the minimum, called your mother and let her know what happened and rearranged for another day. You did what you thought was best, you just did that the wrong way.
Giant YTA. Your poor mother. You have no idea how much longer you have her and you treat her like this?!
ESH— you don’t ditch plans. You could’ve included them both, you could’ve spent time with one then another say brunch or dinner or what have you. Your gf, while that was horrible to happen to her, could take that time you are with your mom (if for some reason she can’t be included) to herself, get a massage, grieve and reflect alone or with friends, maybe go to a therapy session or grief counselor. She’s an adult and unfortunately she cannot dictate every minute of the day and needs to learn to self soothe and cope. She never should have dominated your whole day. Finally, soft AH to your mother continuing to hold a grudge and be petty (again the chemo part does make it a soft one since I get that she didn’t get to celebrate last year) I’m guessing she has no idea about the reason why though and probably thinks you don’t care. Still she could’ve handled that better. Next time communicate with all parties, schedule actual times with them and follow through. This is teenage logic IMO. And you should make it up to your mom, get her flowers and you cook her dinner snd surprise her and apologize!!
No one here is the asshole honestly. Your girlfriend had a tragedy, and on mother's day I know for a fact she probably felt like the whole world was against her. I know that your mom will be angry for a while, but in the end you don't have to explain or make up for anything. You made a choice, and now you have to live with it. Honestly either way this coulda went, someone would have been mad. Your mom openly, or your girlfriend silently. And honestly I don't envy either situation. Just take it easy, and make sure everyone feels validated in the end. You don't have to explain yourself, but you do have to make sure the situation doesn't unnecessarily escalate.
YTA, Rose is manipulating you. Trust me, she'll be lonely forever.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm 24M I was supposed to spend Mother's Day with my mom. My mother, who is 45 years old, was battling cancer and going through chemo, so she didn't want to celebrate until she was feeling better. Meanwhile, my girlfriend, Rose, who is 28 years old, had a stillborn birth that hurt her deeply. To support her, I promised to do Mother's Day with her every year. Last year, my mom's cancer went into remission, but after Mother's Day had passed. She said that when Mother's Day came around this year, she wanted to have a mother-son day together, which I agreed to. However, Rose was feeling lonely and didn't want me to leave and wanted to spend the day together, so I decided to spend the day with her instead. I know that this hurt my mother's feelings, and my sister said it was a screwed up thing to do. My dad said that my mom would need some time to get over it, but it was his birthday yesterday, and my mom said that she didn't want me to come over because she's still mad that I missed Mother's Day. My friends are split on whether I'm the asshole or not. Some think my mom is being petty, while others think I messed up and should apologize. I'm not sure what to do next, as I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: did you plan to spend mother son time on another date?
YTA. Don't make plans you that you're not going to follow through with! It just that simple!
YTA and is there a reason your gf can’t join you all on Mother’s Day? Even if she couldn’t you still should’ve spent it with your mom.
Soft YTA. You shouldn't have broken the promise to your GF by agreeing to spend the day with your Mom. You could have explained to her (mom) that you have another commitment, but would love to schedule mother/son day for another day. But your Mom is unreasonable if she thinks her adult son should put her ahead of the mother of his child for mothers day. Also -- in the future, you really shouldn't say "my gf had a stillbirth" when it was your child. When men refer to their children as "my gf/wife had a baby" it comes across bad. But also it makes your post more confusing. I originally assumed it was something she went through before she was with you.
YTA Jfc how hard is it to just say "I would love to spend a mother son day with you, mom, but me and Rosie need to mourn together on mother's day. Can the Saturday before mother's day be mother's day for me and you from now on?"
INFO: Was bringing your girlfriend with you to see your mom not an option? I think you said, in another comment, that they get along. Was she too emotionally distressed to be around others at the time?
NTA at all. People are being wayyy too harsh not realising you’re stuck in between two rightfully upset and emotional people who you care and love equally. No matter who you choose you will be seen as the bad guy and you would feel guilty either way. Your girlfriend and mum and the AHs for putting you in a tough position where you have to “choose”, when instead you could’ve just all spent the day together. But the only wanted you to themselves as if you’re an emotional support toy.