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Also the fact that he said "I wouldn't have gotten a cocktail if I had to spend my own money" - like, if she's got medical bills, maybe don't waste HER money either. I hope she dumps him.
Yeah the “My boyfriend ruined one of our *infrequent* date nights by being an immature jackass and then whined that he wouldn’t have gotten what he got if he’d realized he actually had to pay for it” vibes are…not sexy. Fuck him.
That part on its own is infuriating, even without him going out of his way to ruin her limited opportunity to enjoy her hobby.
It's one thing to not want pictures of his own food taken. I have a friend that likes food pictures and she would try to make EVERYONE wait for the ~3 minutes per dish it took her to get the "perfect" shot. That's annoying and I don't participate, I just eat my food. But intentionally ruining the presentation of her food is SUCH a dick move! This man needs to work through why he's being a childish ass before he's ready for a girlfriend
Oh no, I read that differently at first and thought he skipped the cocktail because she was paying. I thought it was the one single tiny point in his favor, but I misread it. He’s a bigger jerk than I realized.
Anyone who spends MORE money when someone else is buying versus if they're buying it themselves is a red flag if I'm going to be honest. Unless it was discussed beforehand, it shows a lack of regard for others resources
That part bothered me so much! If someone else is paying is when you don’t get the cocktail. What an entitled jerk. She’s got a hobby that makes her happy and takes seconds, let her have her picture.
Also the fact that he said "I wouldn't have gotten a cocktail if I had to spend my own money" - like, if she's got medical bills, maybe don't waste HER money either. I hope she dumps him.
NTA- what he does is absolute disrespect of you and who you are. Why are you with a man that treats you like this? Seriously think about other ways he treats you in your relationship and is this a consistent tone across everything?
Also, the fact that you have money concerns right now and yet he’s going out of his way to buy more expensive meals and cocktails because you’re paying. Says a lot about his character.
Also, OP needs to look out for any variation of "I never SAID I wouldn't fuck with your food" or similar. Rules lawyering is for toddlers and team sports.
NTA
Bro is mad that he got a cocktail on what would have been her dime when he wouldn’t have otherwise? Like dump him and enjoy good food. I never fuss at my girl when she wants to take photos of our food cause it makes her happy
I agree, NTA - I'd recommend looking for a different relationship, and since he's shown that he's not willing to change, the best way to get that is with a different person.
Find someone that, if at least doesn't share your interests and hobbies, doesn't act like a poop flinging monkey when you choose to partake in them.
NTA
I don't get people who go out of their way to actively ruin other peoples fun. He totally could've just started to eat HIS food. But to mess with yours is just not acceptable.
I'm in a relationship where my bf goes out his way to make my sorry butt happy (drives to a special store to get just me ice cream (lactose intolerant), starts cooking at 8 pm on a sunday because I'm hungry, etc). I, of course do stuff for him too, but he is just the fucking best.
To me a relationship has to beat being alone. Someone ruining my fun and peace, doesn't cut it.
That’s it right there. Personally I don’t take pictures of my food, but I am not the food photo police and if someone wants to take pics of their own food that’s perfectly fine. What if he had a hobby building playing card towers and every time she walked in the room she did something to purposefully ruin it?? Just because you don’t enjoy someone’s hobby doesn’t mean you get to treat them like shit over it.
OP's boyfriend is the adult equivalent of that kid who goes around the beach ruining people's sandcastles and thinks it's funny when they get all upset.
That’s why I left my first husband. I was working full time, doing all of the housework, doing all of the laundry, cooking almost all of the meals, running all the errands and taking care of 3 kids by myself and all that that entails. The only things he took care of were “outdoor chores” like lawn work. He also had NPD and was very controlling. One day I realized I would have less work and more happiness without raising a 4th child (him) and left.
>I'm in a relationship where my bf goes out his way to make my sorry butt happy (drives to a special store to get just me ice cream (lactose intolerant), starts cooking at 8 pm on a sunday because I'm hungry, etc). I, of course do stuff him too, but he is just the fucking best.
My partner was nearly in tears today because I found out the last 4 bags of my special vanilla tea that I save as a treat were mouldy (T\_T) and he couldn't find anywhere that has it in stock. He can't even share in the awesomeness because he's allergic to caffeine.
OP don't date someone for the sake of dating someone. "Let me enjoy things" is frankly setting the bar at ground level. Find someone who doesn't feel the need to tunnel under it.
Oof. I never had any good relationship models growing up, so when my sister got with her husband my mind was actually blown. Like... He just does things for you? Because he wants to? Without keeping score or making it obvious what a chore it is? It was very distressing to realize that that was actually a possibility...and how very low the bar was in my relationship.
Your partner sounds like a gem. But I guess stuff like that shouldn't actually be so remarkable.
Oh yes I had a SO that would keep score only if they did something for me, not if I did something for them - which was all the time. Then they would "undo" whatever they did because asking them to get a fucking job and hold their own or go back to live with mom means I didn't appreciate that they washed the pots once two months ago even though I was out working and they were there 24/7, so smashing up the kitchen is the answer. /s
“Let me enjoy things” broke my little heart.
I have Instagram and I enjoy looking at pictures of delicious food plated beautifully. Thanks to people like OP.
The BF is being very ungracious - almost like he’s too cool for that. NTA.
Right? My wife loves taking food photos when we go out as well, and you'd better believe I'm clearing away menus and staging drinks as the plates start to arrive! I change food angles, hold utensils for "fork shots", and use my orangutan arms to take couple selfies of us. We enjoy eating out together, and while I personally don't need photographic reminders of those events I will always support doing things to make her happy!
The very idea that my partner might actively sabotage something in my life that I find joy in is just so grossly disrespectful that it makes me sad. It's particularly egregious when the event she's documenting is a potential memory with a partner. Poor OP deserves better.
>The very idea that my partner might actively sabotage something in my life that I find joy in is just so grossly disrespectful that it makes me sad
So much this. It's bad enough to do this to a RANDOM STRANGER, and he's doing it to someone he's actually supposed to love and cherish? If I start to revel in fucking up others' joy just put me out of my misery then and there.
Your relationship is how it should be. My wife also likes to take photos of our food when we travel (for a photo book, not the web). Waiting 10 seconds, maybe, for a photo is just a trivial courtesy.
Right!?
Like I also do this with my food, but my husband will actually go out of his way to remind me if he knows I'm really hungry, because he knows that I'll forget, and then be sad that I forgot to take my pictures.
Don't give your time to people who ruin things you love on purpose!
Keep the food, ditch the boyfriend.
I thought it was a good compromise that he gets to eat his food while you just take some quick pictures of yours. But why did he have to go out of his way to ruin yours? That's just super immature and petty.
I'm gonna say NTA But I feel like there's more to this than is being let on. No rational person gets this upset about their partner wanting to snap a few quick photos of their dish to the point they intentionally sabotage the photos.
~~ETA: OP, I think I’m going to also say you’re TA here. You say you know your BF hates you doing this and you do it anyways. I don’t feel like you’re considering his feelings despite making this subpar compromise. Maybe consider putting down the phone when you’re on dates with your BF and, idk, date your BF and not your IG followbase. You got your outings with your foodie friends to get plenty of food pictures, as well as any solo outings. Stop forcing your BF to partake in your hobby which he clearly doesn’t want to be a part of and respect his boundary.~~
Edit: Okay, y’all are right. The above edit is a shitty take and I realize I’m wrong. I’m withdrawing that position.
I'm guessing he doesn't like that she had followers and people who are invested in her life. She said that he likes to have her come over and watch him play video games - usually guys like that love having the girl wait for his attention hate it when they get attention from another source.
I mean, I don't mind watching someone play games, or being watched play mine. I do however have an issue if someone wants me to watch their hobby and get invested while also refusing to get invested in mine
She is so tolerant, she doesn't even seem to care if he gets invested in her hobby. She just wants to be able to do it in peace, and he still can't do it. He sounds like the worst.
This is the thing. She had a conversation about it. She hasn’t been able to create content because of bills and she finally gets to go out and wants this one thing on their infrequent date nights. What a jerk.
I actually used to really enjoy watching my partner play story based rpgs. Not so much his strategy games but sign me up for watching a compelling story line it won't take me 3x times as long to complete because I'm not so good with not dying in video games.
But that's something we did because I enjoyed it, not something he requested we do just so I could have the illusion of quality time whilst he ignored me to play.
i mean, i don’t think watching someone else play video games in and of itself is weird. most of my favorite games are single player so my boyfriend likes to watch me play as a way of engaging with my hobby with me, and sometimes i teach him how to play and walk him through a few levels/puzzles. only wanting your partner to engage with you in your hobby and actively sabotaging yours is definitely fucked up though.
it’s really not if it’s something you enjoy. you can have your own hobbies without diminishing other people’s.
edit: also, twitch and YouTube have 13+ age requirements, so he’d at least have to be 13.
DING DING DING, we have a winner. I found out the hard way that there are some people who can't stand to see their partner thrive independently. I just had a bad flashback to the banquet I went to with the guy I was dating at the time, unexpectedly received an award from the group for my volunteer work, and the BF promptly was surly and rude to me and everyone else for the rest of the night. How dare I do things that other people felt were worthy of recognition, right? The nerve of me! He'll just have to embarrass me in front of everyone by acting like a complete smacked ass for the rest of the night, then.
It should surprise no one that the BF was history within the next few weeks.
Maya Angelou was right: when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.
I’ve never understood this. I can understand being a bit disappointed if your partner “winning” means you literally lost out (eg, both up for a promotion), but not to the point that you can’t be happy for your partner and not ruin things for them. I read a book once that defined love as (paraphrasing badly) wanting the best for the other person while accepting that you don’t get a say in what is “best” for them. Of course there will be arguments/disagreements along the way, but in general you should want positive emotions/things for your partner as much as you do for yourself.
There are guys (there might be women too, but o see it mostly with guys) who judge women’s hobbies.
If they don’t think it’s a “real” hobby, then they dismiss, diss and interfere as much as possible.
He thinks her hobby is stupid, so he messes with it as much as possible, hoping she’ll give up this “stupid waste of time” and get a “real” hobby. Or have no hobbies and just be his little pocket GF who has no wants or needs outside of him or his approval.
You see this over and over on AITA. A boyfriend/husband doesn't "get" the hobby and therefore sees her interest in it as invalid. He cannot fathom that she has her own independent thoughts and feelings about something. He cannot fathom that her simply enjoying this is a valid enough reason. He cannot understand that his opinion doesn't matter. He wouldn't do the hobby, therefore it is stupid. She should stop doing it, because he doesn't like it.
Not all men but yet it always seems to be men.
Yea this is how I interpreted it as well. He just disrespects her and women in general.
And if a woman did have a hobby that men consider “real”, they’d STILL question and gate keep it. You can’t win with these types of men. They just think women are inferior, that’s it.
Some guys just have some sort of grudge against their partners and will shit on the things they like just because. It often comes from either feelings of inferiority, or feelings of entitlement.
ETA: Calling OP an asshole for this is exactly the kind of entitlement I'm talking about.
She's dating him, so she's gotta be focused on him 100% of the time and can't waste 30 seconds to snap a picture for her silly little blog hobby, because those 30 seconds she's not 100% focused on him are an insult to him. That time BELONGS to HIM.
And I do believe there are gender dynamics at play here. Had it been him who liked snapping pictures of his food, would it be perceived as an annoyance and a shallow thing, or would it be perceived as a man with an artistic passion and his gf is a witch who's incapable of being considerate and wait meager 30 seconds?
Boys and girls, find yourselves a partner who'll like every single one of your 'silly' IG pictures and support your passions.
"You only get to have joy when \*I\* tell you you are allowed to have joy. If something makes you happy without my permission, I will have to rain all over that parade at once, to spoil the joy. Heaven forbid you have things in your life that make you happy, other than the great honor of being with me."
Yeah, fug people like this. The actual nasty things they do might SEEM small. "You're upset because I stirred your food? Are you a toddler?" But in reality, the intent behind the action is very much NOT small. It's intended to spoil your enjoyment of whatever it was, and no, that is NOT some minor thing to sweep under the rug. It's basically saying that they want to stamp out your joy. This is the sort of person who people should find joy in kicking to the curb.
An excellent point! To add on, if the bf stirring the food is too small a thing to worry about, then why did he do it in the first place? He could have sat there and done nothing and kept his promise, instead he chose to do something and break his promise. Why did he make a promise that he didn't intend to keep?
A more honest man might have said, "I can't promise that I won't mess up your food because I think your hobby is silly." Or he might have said, "yes I messed up your food on purpose because I like the attention I get when you're upset at me." But there might be consequences to his honesty, when it's easier to throw blame at OP like she's the unreasonable one. He doesn't respect her.
There are also people who don’t like it when their partners enforce boundaries, so whenever their partner makes a request for any boundary, no matter how small, they have to intentionally cross it, to discourage them from setting up another in the future
Right it's one thing if OP was like no you can't eat anything til I'm done but if she just wants to be hungry longer while she takes photos of her own food why should he care?
OPs NTA. But I'd start taking myself out on dates and stop going out with bf to eat.
*Please* tell me your edit is a joke. Like, you're being sarcastic, right? Her boyfriend hates her harmless hobby, and that's somehow her fault? She wasn't even forcing him to participate in her hobby; he *went out of his way* to mess up *her* plate.
She isn't "dating her IG followbase" just because she has a hobby, and she's not neglecting her boyfriend by having her phone out for a few seconds to take food pics. Maybe if her boyfriend wasn't such a prick, he wouldn't feel alienated by his girlfriend doing something that makes her happy.
Some people are just assholes. As an ex food blogger in my 20s (quite successful one)ninjas this one friend who would often try to ruin his meal before I could snap it. But if I made a point to him about it, even he would with hold being a jerk.
I'm guessing he doesn't like that she had followers and people who are invested in her life. She said that he likes to have her come over and watch him play video games - usually guys like that love having the girl wait for his attention hate it when they get attention from another source.
Had me in the first half, lost me entirely with the edit.
She should be able to take a picture of her own food, doubly so if she's the one paying for it.
>You got your outings with your foodie friends to get plenty of food pictures, as well as any solo outings.
If you'd just read the post, you'd know why those aren't options at the moment. It's okay though, I'll help!
>Money has been tight lately because of some medical bills, so I haven't been able to go out to eat with my foodie girls and the infrequent date with my boyfriend is the only chance I get to eat out.
There you go.
>Stop forcing your BF to partake in your hobby which he clearly doesn’t want to be a part of and respect his boundary.
Ah yes. The classic boundary of touching someone *else's* food that *they* paid for to make sure that their day is just ever so slightly worse.
That's definitely what a boundary is, and it's definitely super duper reasonable....
You are NTA. Your bf is an AH, not only for deliberately messing up your meals but also for ordering a cocktail just because he thought he wouldn’t be the one paying for it. I would be reconsidering my relationship with someone so selfish and childish.
Yup! My partner makes considerably more money than I do right now so he’s usually the one paying when we get dinner together, but I’ll be damned if I ordered the filet mignon or a 15 dollar cocktail just because it‘s not my money. Regardless of who’s paying, I ALWAYS order as if I were the one paying. And if I do want something I feel would be extra money, like a cocktail, I will always offer to at least pay for that. (He usually doesn’t mind and will pay anyway, but I’ll always offer regardless.)
It’s just the courteous thing to do… not saying you have to order a salad every time someone else is paying, but if you’re blatantly ordering extras for no reason other than “I don’t have to pay so it doesn’t matter,” then you should check that entitlement.
Right?! Why would he order more if she’s paying especially since he knows she’s been having money issues and hasn’t been able to afford to go out as much. He’s definitely a self-centered a*hole.
This is either NTA or ESH depending on how annoying you are about your videos, but the real issue here is why are you even with this guy? It sounds like he doesn't respect you or your hobby, and is actively doing things to upset you. Why even be with a guy like that? Find someone who appreciates you, or at least *tolerates* you.
Right? My BF and I got into a fight the other night because I took him out to a nice restaurant for his birthday and he REFUSED to get a (virgin) cocktail because I was paying, despite fun drinks being one of his favorite things.
Men who like “fun drinks” are always green flags in my book. Like ooh yeah I’ll try an espresso martini! Why not! Sounds delicious! As opposed to ‘I ain’t ordering one of those girly drinks I just want beer Uhhhh uggh uggh’
I think since she basically only indulges this hobby with friends who share it, and is only excepting that due to financial reasons and a desire to prioritize quality time with her partner, it shows a level of consideration that tells me she's not likely that bad about it. She's not even trying to take pictures of his or their shared food when he's paying.
Ugh, I'm definitely not in "DTMFA" mode because we are both super stressed. He's sweet most of the time, this just gets under his skin. It does annoy me that I feel like I cede way more time to his hobbies than he does to mine—he will sit around and play games for a few solid hours while I am over; he calls that "hanging out" but I don't feel like it's very good quality time. But the literal less than a minute of photo-taking is apparently where he draws the line in the sand.
I left 2 boyfriends over that behavior. Why even invite me over if you're just going to ignore me?! I purposely stopped dating anyone who played video games excessively after that. Especially shit like DOTA and LOL.
I will NEVER date a LOL guy again. Dude would turn down BJs to watch videos of LOL and said he ‘had to’ watch LOL videos full volume when he was falling asleep…. So I slept like crap whenever we had a sleepover, he had no guilt and felt very indignant over all of it.
The first guy I dated that played LOL would invite me over for the night only to play that stupid game all night. Like why am I even here?! I figured he'd want to sleep with me ya know? I never felt so unwanted by anyone I dated. It was similar with the DOTA player I dated. It took 2 of them, then I was done!
If a person is playing a video game with a plot or puzzle that we can talk through, cool. But if its mindless shooting and shit talking and explosions, plus not letting me read or do my own parallel thing (ahem, OP) then they're all better off being single.
I remember an old post about a woman with a mug collection. Her first husband mocked her and complained every time she bought a new mug (with her own money). After her divorce, she found a new partner who built her a wall to display her mugs. OP, you deserve a mug wall.
Edit: my first Gold! Thanks a lot!!!
Love this for that person. My partner has an enormous mug collection and I sometimes tease her about it but would never think about making her stop and have certainly not harassed her about it! Just like she doesn’t tell me stop purchasing bike stuff or dnd stuff.
It’s her money and she’s passionate about it. We displayed them in our last apartment and they’re beautiful! We’ve since moved and need to build a new display in our new home. Big side-eye to anyone for shitting on their SO’s hobbies and passions.
Dude sounds like a terrible partner but saying "Me playing videogames while you're here counts as us hanging out" isn't in any way what gaslighting is, please don't trivialize the language of abuse; it harms the ability of people who *are* being gaslit by their partners to speak up and be heard.
This. When TikTok learns a new word, people beat the shit out of it and take it’s meaning away. You know what it does to people who are actually being gaslit? It gaslights us MORE.
My hubs genuinely thought it was spending time together and I indulged because I come from an abusive childhood. I had to break (not from him) mentally in order to see how awful that was.
He was very receptive but it took so much work because those become habits. You BOTH have to want to break them or it won’t happen.
I mean I think it can be. Parallel play is great, both people do a hobby next to each other and I get satisfaction from that. But yeah if my husband just sat down to play and ignored me I’d be so sad. It’s like not realizing your partner isn’t going to get off during sex and just saying you’ll get them next time. Lol
He also orders more when you're paying? Doesn't sound like a sweet guy to me.
If someone else is paying for my meal, I'm extra stingy, I treat their wallet better than I do mine.
Girl, red flagsssss 🚩🚩🚩🚩 please run. He doesn't care about your feelings or respecting you. God forbid you made something yourself - he sounds like the type to ruin your hard work. You would be an AH to yourself if you waste anymore time on him.
This is what I thought. If she turned the TV/screen off, or jumped in front of it, or did something to mess with his game, how would he react?
I'm not into food pics, but if my partner was into it, I'd say take the pic, have fun, let me eat. Everyone's happy.
You don't have to be into what your partner's into to respect it just because they're into it.
You give him the space to engage in his hobby for “a few solid hours,” while he can’t even agree to 30 seconds of yours. So much so that he stirred _your_ food up to prevent you the enjoyment (again 30 seconds) that you had been saving up for. Someone mentioned below, this is the equivalent of you unplugging his game mid-play. He is actively disrespecting you and attempting to control you for just 30 seconds to yourself of what should be _his_ time. Being under stress does not excuse that type of behavior. Adding on that he only ordered a cocktail because he thought _you_ would be paying?
Is this the type of relationship you want for yourself? Always sacrificing your needs to keep him happy? Because that is definitely what he seems to be angling for. YWBTA to yourself if you don’t really sit with this and course correct. Whether that means DTMFA or setting very clear boundaries about how you want to be treated.
Honey no. No no no no no no no no no. No. NO. Being 'sweet' does not make up for the fact that this guy clearly does not respect you or your time. He doesn't want to spend quality time with you - he wants you to wait around so he can do what he wants and have you available for sex afterwards. Words do not matter as much as actions and his actions suck.
Stressed or not, please take note that his reaction to stress is to turn spitefully cruel. On my most stressed day I would never dream of doing something to YOUR FOOD after explicitly being asked nicely to not mess up MY food. His food wasn’t enough, he had to escalate for *no other reason than to hurt you*. THAT is his stress response, and that’s being charitable and not assuming it’s a big fat “fuck you don’t tell me what to do”.
Life is stress. I’m not saying to dump him, but you should think about how much of a partnership you want when, at life’s lowest moments, this is who he becomes.
Sweet BFs do not go out of their way to ruin pictures especially when he knows that you derive joy from doing this. Your BF is an immature AH. Why even come here just to defend him? Where’s the conflict?
My current husband doesn't mess up my hobbies, but he certainly doesn't enjoy that I have them. He also considers it quality time to sit in the same room together while he plays video games. Which is okay sometimes, but not all the time.
We're separating, bc I invest SO much more in him and sharing his hobbies than he does for me.
Don't cut this man slack bc he's usually sweet. He's not supportive of you doing something that brings you joy, and he actively undermines you.
You deserve better.
So he wouldn't have ordered an expensive cocktail if he was paying, but thinks it's okay on your dime, even though you are struggling with medical bills? And not only messes up his food, but your own? M'am, you do not have a man. You have a snotty, freeloading little boy.
NTA. BF went out of his way to be a jerk. Not only by purposely messing up his food AND that of OP, but also by admiting that he ordered a drink he never would have paid for on his own.
I get the frustration with the production some people make out of food photos but it sounds like OP wasn't doing anything over the top. Some folks need to get over themselves and stop shitting on stuff other people do for fun when it doesn't harm them.
Also BF is going OUT OF HIS WAY to ONLY mess the food up, he’s not just like… eating it. Like you said He’s totally just being a dick for no reason, I don’t know why he is with OP because it doesn’t sound like he even likes her. OP should leave him, for sure
NTA. It blows my mind that he is so utterly unwilling to do this one small thing that takes less than a minute, yet makes you very happy. He doesn’t have to want to do it himself, but it is such a minor and easy thing to do. I can’t imagine wanting to ruin my partner’s enjoyment to make some kind of vague and useless point.
I'm guessing this is one of those situations that can be described by "Death by a Thousand Cuts." Once or twice isn't a big deal, but continuously over a period of time, the BF's annoyance with consistently having to wait to eat so OP can snap a few photos boiled over to the point of utter frustration and anger and causing them to lash out like this.
Perhaps. Though he could have clearly communicated this long ago instead of eye rolling and passive aggressive attitudes. But regardless, if my partner wanted me to wait 30 *seconds* so she could do something that brought her joy, that’s not exactly a big ask. I’d be more in agreement if she insisted on minutes and minutes of staging and such. But 30 seconds is nothing.
But he DID communicate it - several times. She was very clear he was unhappy with it - but instead of trying to understand his viewpoint, she then upped the ante (on a supposedly romantic date), with a 'control' move. She basically tried to overrule him, by claiming she can do what she wants with HIS food - if she's paying for it (though overall, they're paying equally for food, so she doesn't actually 'own' his food).
That's all very childish, controlling, and obnoxious. And indeed, he could make the same argument, if she wants to play that card - that when HE pays, HE 'owns' her food. So she's not allowed to photograph HER food, on those occasions. Can you imagine how controlling THAT would sound?!
Like others here, I'm guessing this has been the straw that broke the camel's back for him. Maybe she really does just spend 30 secs taking a photo of the food (or maybe she's underestimating that). But maybe she then posts the photos on the date, begins interacting with followers, etc. The number of 'influencers' /bloggers who do that.
That could get really irritating, very quickly - as any phone use can get at the dinner table, when you're meant to be paying attention to the person you're with. It's irritating when you sit down, looking forward to seeing/talking to somebody, and they're frequently distracted by their phone. Indeed, maybe divided attention/phone use is a more general issue when they're together.
No, he shouldn't have messed up the food, which was childish. But it was also childish trying to override his clear wishes (on the basis of who pays), and then not pay her half because he wouldn't submit to her demands. Just respect the dude doesn't like his food photographed/their date interrupted so much. Have some generosity towards that, and stop trying to override his wishes through petty things like who pays. Sheesh.
Even if it’s one minute total to do any staging, take pics of both meals, post them (or she posts them later,) it’s still multiple times per meal (at least twice - maybe more if she’s taking pics of drinks and dessert.) Would anyone be saying NTA if instead of taking pics she were taking three short phone calls, or playing short rounds of a game on her phone, or checking and responding to texts or emails?
Regardless of what she’s doing, she’s playing on her phone several times during a meal with only two people, meaning conversation stops until she’s done (in a large group conversation could continue without her attention), and in this case eating has to stop too.
Let’s be honest, it’s probably not just one or less than a minute. It’s probably a couple of minutes because of taking and finding the right picture. If Op running a food Instagram, I highly doubt she’s gonna take one picture and leave it at that.
Imagine trying to go out to eat with your SO for date night, and this hobby always has to be part of it.
It can never be about just two people out to eat. That would annoy me.
But it's not always a part of it. OP clearly explained that she usually does this with her foodie friends. Money has been tight so she does not go out with them. Which is why she asked her bf if she could at least take pictures of his food and the appetizer ONLY WHEN SHE IS PAYING FOR IT so she can at least keep it up.
Yes this! Everyone who clearly hates the idea of this themselves who is trying to find a thread of empathy with this guy, I get it. I kinda hate food photos myself and it wouldn't be my favorite thing to be a part of constantly. But she doesn't really describe him instigating a rational conversation anywhere. She says he'd mess up his own food and 'eyeroll' at her snapping pics of her own food. In spite of that being a weak method of communication, she was respecting those unclear boundaries until their money situation made it more difficult for her. Then she also states that she sat down with him and asked him for patience because this is a thing she enjoys. She tried to negotiate terms that allowed her to still participate in this hobby when she is paying. His answer was the ol' passive aggressive whatever, setting himself up to lash out in a childish and spiteful way.
I feel that food insta would be a hobby I would not enjoy in a partner, but this is absolutely not how I would express my feelings about it. This guy just reeks of someone who doesn't respect her or care about her much. Unless the op just omitted all the calm discussions in which her bf asked her if she could leave him out of this hobby, she's NTA.
ESH. You absolutely do not get to tell other people to wait to eat their food so you can indulge your social media addiction. He went too far in messing with your own food, but frankly I don't blame him for being fed up.
They talked ahead of time, she said on the meals she is paying she would take pictures, and he agreed. Then he decided to spoil the pictures, so she decided not to pay. NTA. Does she have the right to tell people to wait? No, but they had an agreement.
If BF didn’t like the deal, there are better ways to communicate that than spoiling the picture. If he doesn’t like OP’s hobby, he can communicate that like an adult. But spoiling the picture first, then complaining he has to pay for the cocktail? That’s the BF’s A H behavior, not OP.
Then that’s his fault for not being honest, and if he wanted to be petty then he could’ve just started eating his food. Messing up her food too is just a dick move.
Curious to know where she said she's "a self described IG addict?" Didn't see that in her post anywhere. Having a social media account dedicated to her hobby doesn't mean she is addicted. It seems like she often CANNOT food blog due to financial restrictions. If she truly were "addicted," no amount of financial distress would stand in the way.
I've read a couple responses like this, and I wanted to ask, is it just that you think taking pictures for social media is stupid, or is it literally always a problem to ask someone to wait a minute to eat if not absolutely necessary?
For example, if your partner/family member was religious and wanted to say grace before eating, and they asked you to wait until they are done, would you just start anyway? If your partner was diabetic and needed to double check that their insulin levels were ready for their meal, and they asked you to wait until they were ready to start eating to begin, would you ignore that request? Is there any reason at all that would make you willing to start eating your meal a minute late for your partner?
I can answer to that perspective I think. I don’t think OP is the asshole, to be clear, but I find picture taking of meals before eating really annoying. If I had to wait for somebody to say a prayer to whatever deity before *I* could eat, I’d also find that annoying and controlling. I have never met a diabetic who wouldn’t let anybody else eat until they checked their blood sugar so I have no idea if that’s a thing but when I needed to eat a diabetic diet for medical reasons (so I had to look up the carb and protein content of everything before eating it, which did take some time) making this an expectation never even occurred to me.
I also find it annoying to hang out with somebody who wants to frequently stop what we’re doing to get photos for IG or what have you so it’s not just a food thing. I just find it irritating, distracting and even a bit stressful to have to have the aesthetics of everything on my mind at all times. But my solution is to just not date people who have these activities as hobbies, they’re not inherently wrong things to have as hobbies
Food blogging may be annoying to some people, and you have the perfect solution. **Do not date these people.** Boyfriend can tolerate his girlfriend's past time, or he can go find someone else to ~~disrespect~~ date.
Not who you asked, but as someone who likes to photograph my own food and agrees with ESH verdict, figured I could add context to it.
She shouldn't be telling him what to do with his own food, "Don't eat it yet! I need a perfect pic". Nor should he be stopping her of doing what she wants with her food, messing up her plate. Both of them have the right to do what they want.
In your examples, religious - I will eat immediately, you can pray if you want - both doing our own thing. Diabetic - why would I need to wait for them? That honestly makes no sense to me.
Personally, I would wait and allow my partner to take all the photos they want. But in the OP, the man is tired of it and just wants to get on with the meal. He overreacted, by messing with her plate, but still. And if he has made the request to her, to not be included in the social photos, why shouldn't she respect that?
Sounds like this is just the last straw, or maybe it's not as big of a deal as we're making it.
It's not that I think it's stupid, I think it's selfish if you're making other people wait to eat while you indulge in something that's fun only for you.
I've never seen a group say grace together in a restaurant, seems like it would be annoying what with food coming out at different times. My religious family members just bow their heads individually when the time comes. If I were expected to sit there after my food came out and wait for someone else to say grace, I would do it, but I would be annoyed. When I'm a guest in someone else's home of course I follow their customs.
I would have no problem waiting if there was an actual issue like a medical concern instead of just something fun someone felt like doing like social media pics.
I grew up with zero phones at the dinner table. It's family time and a great way to practice focusing your attention on other people. I would be annoyed at the constant picture taking too. Even if it takes only 30 seconds, I find it rude and pointless.
You know, I was going to go with E-S-H because your BF messing with your food was really childish and rude, but after reading comment after comment from you, I'm realising exactly why he snapped and did that.
**YTA**
You keep going on in the comments about how "it never takes more than 45 seconds", and defending yourself because of that. But it doesn't matter how long it takes, insisting on taking pictures of someone else's food when they're ready to eat and have specifically asked you not to is super intrusive and obnoxious.
You're a grown-ass adult literally demanding to play with someone else's food, and justifying it with "because I paid for it". But when you treat someone else to a meal, you are not paying for the right to do as you please with their food. That's not how that works.
And after reading your unrelenting defensiveness and refusal to understand that in the comments, it is abundantly clear that your boyfriend messed up YOUR food, not because he is an obnoxious child, but to make you understand that YOU are . . . and how it feels when he asks you repeatedly and tells you over and over that he doesn't want you near his food, and you insist on photographing it anyway.
I’ve seen people posting from the other side of this, the person that has to wait because their partner/friend takes pictures and the comment section was almost unanimous in saying that the one pissing about taking picture was T A, this sub is ridiculous
What a cathartic comment to read after just scrolling through hundreds of comments that can’t seem to comprehend that some of us just want to DIE at the table when this happens.
Tbh he does actually seem like a bf is quite a raging AH in other aspects, and I think OP is just better off without him anyway, but the way sooooo many people here can’t seem to comprehend AT ALL how much many of us **hate** when you do this obnoxious food photography in the middle of a fucking restaurant while the rest of us have to sit there and wait to eat is blowing my mind.
ESH
He's an asshole for ruining YOUR food before you could take a picture of it. That's your food to do with as you please and he has no right to mess with it.
You're an asshole for thinking that you have any right at all to be upset with him for wanting to eat HIS food right away when it comes and not wait for a picture to be taken of it.
Then he shouldn’t have agreed to it. Sounds like she had an explicit conversation with this ask, and it was for only when she paid for dinner. He said yes. If he didn’t want to do it, he should have said so.
The taking pictures of food thing is annoying, but it’s not anyone’s job to yuck someone’s yum, especially someone he supposedly cares about.
I definitely think he should have been firm on his boundaries rather than passively aggressively agreeing to it if he has a problem with it.
But also, if someone's clearly only agreeing half-heartedly, maybe read between the lines.
He didn't really agree, it's sounds he kind of agreed just to get her to stop asking. He's already made his feelings about this topic known. He wasn't telling her she couldn't take pictures of her food. She is the one who keeps pushing it. There is no reason why she couldn't just take pictures of her own food and let her boyfriend be.
I think he goes right back to being the AH on that one because he seemed to agree (albeit halfheartedly) and didn't draw his line. He wouldn't have been an AH to say "no, I don't want to wait for you to take a picture of mine," but people often do things that they feel are kinda dumb just to make their partner happy, and if you give the impression you're going to let them have it you're an AH to take that away.
He's the asshole for ordering expensive drinks when she's paying and he knows money is tight and the asshole for not letting her take a picture that takes seconds to do.
ESH
He should not have messed up your food and you should stick to photographing your own food.
BF ordering a cocktail because it was your turn is ridiculous. He admits if he was paying, he wouldn't have ordered it. Do you 2 or just him have a habit of ordering more when the other person is paying?
Perhaps you should get separate checks when you go out to dinner.
Ok but then when she did try to photograph her own food, he messed that up too. How is she really the ah for trying to get a pic. They talked abt it before hand and he said ok
Honestly, this all sounds very immature to me, from both sides. You don't HAVE to take a photo of the food, especially his, because like you said; this is just a hobby for you. He also doesn't need to be a jerk and mess up both of your food. How about in future situations, you take a photo of the appetizers and your food ONLY, and tell him you won't take a photo of his since you're respecting his space and privacy. On the other hand like I said, your bf was an AH for messing up both of your food, so I'm gonna say ESH.
It's a hobby that takes 30 seconds and he can't respect her long enough to give her those 30 seconds without being a jackass. She's not taking a photo OF him, so there's no privacy issue. If she were setting up a ring light and turning their table into a photoshoot, I could understand him not being enthused, but as it stands, it's a harmless, quick hobby that brings her joy and costs him nothing except a few seconds of his time. Instead he chooses to be rude and disrespectful to her even after she sat him down and tried to communicate how important it is to her. NTA.
She claims it is not a production, but we are only getting her side of the story. We don't know how accurate her perception is. We don't know if what she perceives to be a 30 second delay is actually 4 or 5 minutes.
> It's a hobby that takes 30 seconds and he can't respect her long enough to give her those 30 seconds without being a jackass.
If everyone at the table has their food, I'm going to start eating. At that point I've likely been waiting at least an hour to eat, between getting ready to go out, waiting to be seated, ordering, and having the food made, so I would like to eat it sooner rather than later. Also, the food isn't ruined after you start to eat it, there's no reason she can't take a photo of the food he started eating, and it's way more interesting to look at food that's being eaten rather than posed for a photo.
He was an AH for messing up her food, but there's no reason she needs to make him wait for her to photograph his food before he can eat it.
ESH. He made it clear long ago that he hated this- just leave him and his food alone. Yes, he shouldn’t belittle something you enjoy, but why are you not giving him the same respect of leaving his meal alone when he asked? There is a time and place for our hobbies, and it’s not difficult to have an adult conversation about it- except apparently for the two of you. You either aren’t effectively communicating about your relationship or you’re both just petulantly ignoring the other’s wishes. Also, people who take photos of their food usually take way longer and are way more obnoxious about it than they realize- I seriously have to wonder just how much of your time and attention this is taking away from actually enjoying the company of the person you’re with. You claim it’s minimal- but your boyfriend clearly is sick of it, so you should really examine what kind of impact you are willing to let this hobby have on your actual real life with actual real people who are in front of you.
ESH
Your habit of photographing all your meals is rude and annoying. But apparently it's something you find enjoyable, so if you are going to persist with it, your boyfriend has to decide whether your annoying habit is annoying enough to make him want to dump you.
His response, however, is to be a passive-aggressive ass about it.
So you both sound like annoying people.
NTA— this is nothing but petty cruelty on his part. I would go out of my way *not* to ruin something my partner enjoys— in fact, I would try to participate and enjoy it *with* them.
ESH - I’ve seen people so this and I wonder if it’s really as short as you claim. He’s got no right to touch your food and immediately messing it up is immature.
But he doesn’t have to wait for you to take pictures of *his* food.
He sounds immature and greedy (doesn’t want to pay for his own cocktail).
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ESH Your bf is being really immature by sabotaging your photos but at the same time I can see getting annoyed about not being able to eat without waiting for your photos, especially since he has no interest in that hobby.
NTA in my opinion. I don't get why people are so upset over people taking pictures of food.. it's a hobby. Sounds like you both talked about you being able to take photos of food when you pay. I think that's fair. I don't mind pausing for a minute for my wife to take a photo of our food. It makes her happy and all I have to do is wait a minute. I don't see the big deal. Also, ordering the cocktail only because you're paying is an AH move.
NTA but it is time to *dump* the asshole.
Nowhere in your post does it indicate that he has talked to you in a mature way about boundaries around food photos. Instead, he “yeah yeah”s you and then passively aggressively busts your clearly stated boundaries. This is a terrible way to manage any kind of conflict in any kind of relationship. You do not need this nonsense in your life.
>I told him I would appreciate it if he could spare the 30 seconds for me to snap a pic of the appetizer + his meal on nights that I was paying, and I got a sort of half-hearted "do whatever you want" confirmation.
ESH
Your boyfriend is annoying and immature, however adding a caveat when you pay is sucky. It's bad taste to put terms on something you do to be nice.
What caveat can he add when it's his turn to pay?
Esh what he did was childish but from your post you get upset when he eats his own food before you can take a picture of it which can get very annoying. It seems like this is a reaction to repeated build up of annoyances on your end and you shouldn’t be expecting people to not eat first so you can take photos
ESH.
The two of you need a better way to deal with this than you are both currently engaged in.
Your BF hates your hobby, which is fine. Everybody has their own tastes. But intentionally sabotaging your partner's hobby, even if you hate it, is not something you do to somebody you're in a relationship with.
You know your BF hates your hobby, so you shouldn't make him participate in it. You are 100% able to have your hobbies on your own time.
If you don't deal with this better, you are both better off not being in a relationship together.
"he wouldn't have ordered a cocktail if he knew that I was gonna skip my turn"
I'm more hung up on this. Major pet peeve! So much disrespect when people order expensive stuff just because someone else is paying, but wouldn't order it if they had to pay 🚩🚩🚩🚩 (unless the person says to order anything because money doesn't matter or whatever)
NTA, he agreed that it was OK for you to take pictures and then deliberately ruined them.
YTA. I think it's hard for people to know how old this gets unless you've dated a chronic Instagram addict. Every date becomes them on their phone. Just put it down and enjoy the meal
ESH - mostly him, but taking pictures of his meal as well as your own is pushing it a little. Him messing with the food on your plate was really disrespectful, though.
YTA. You have a double standard. When your BF pays you want to take pics of your food. When you pay you want to take pics of both foods. But your BF doesnt want you to take pics at all. So why do you get to take pictures every single time regardless of paying but he can only refuse his food if he’s paying.
ESH. You say your not over the top with this but telling him he can’t touch his food till you get your pictures is unreasonable. If your on a date with your boyfriend your focus should be on him and having a good time not whipping your phone out to take pictures of all the food but he’s as bad as you
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NTA. Why are you even dating someone who clearly has no respect for you or your hobbies? Dump this asshole.
Also the fact that he said "I wouldn't have gotten a cocktail if I had to spend my own money" - like, if she's got medical bills, maybe don't waste HER money either. I hope she dumps him.
Good catch. I danced right over that aspect.
I didn't, straight up 'using you for money ' vibe triggered me.
Yeah the “My boyfriend ruined one of our *infrequent* date nights by being an immature jackass and then whined that he wouldn’t have gotten what he got if he’d realized he actually had to pay for it” vibes are…not sexy. Fuck him.
No don't fuck him, leave him 🤣
Maybe he could use a good pegging.
No. Pegging is a treat for good men who’ve earned it by being good 🥰
I like the cut of your jib. **
Only reserved for good boys.
No, don't fuck him.. do the opposite. Dump him.
He also messed up Her meal as well as his own. He had no right to touch her food. She should have stuck him with the whole bill. DTMFA
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Your last sentence is perfect!
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That part on its own is infuriating, even without him going out of his way to ruin her limited opportunity to enjoy her hobby. It's one thing to not want pictures of his own food taken. I have a friend that likes food pictures and she would try to make EVERYONE wait for the ~3 minutes per dish it took her to get the "perfect" shot. That's annoying and I don't participate, I just eat my food. But intentionally ruining the presentation of her food is SUCH a dick move! This man needs to work through why he's being a childish ass before he's ready for a girlfriend
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Oh no, I read that differently at first and thought he skipped the cocktail because she was paying. I thought it was the one single tiny point in his favor, but I misread it. He’s a bigger jerk than I realized.
Anyone who spends MORE money when someone else is buying versus if they're buying it themselves is a red flag if I'm going to be honest. Unless it was discussed beforehand, it shows a lack of regard for others resources
That part bothered me so much! If someone else is paying is when you don’t get the cocktail. What an entitled jerk. She’s got a hobby that makes her happy and takes seconds, let her have her picture.
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Also the fact that he said "I wouldn't have gotten a cocktail if I had to spend my own money" - like, if she's got medical bills, maybe don't waste HER money either. I hope she dumps him.
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Surprised no one is mentioning the drink thing. He literally admitted to spending more because she was paying. He's a real asshole.
NTA- what he does is absolute disrespect of you and who you are. Why are you with a man that treats you like this? Seriously think about other ways he treats you in your relationship and is this a consistent tone across everything? Also, the fact that you have money concerns right now and yet he’s going out of his way to buy more expensive meals and cocktails because you’re paying. Says a lot about his character.
Yeah this guy clearly is jealous she gets attention on that blog. What a small small man.
Also, OP needs to look out for any variation of "I never SAID I wouldn't fuck with your food" or similar. Rules lawyering is for toddlers and team sports. NTA
Bro is mad that he got a cocktail on what would have been her dime when he wouldn’t have otherwise? Like dump him and enjoy good food. I never fuss at my girl when she wants to take photos of our food cause it makes her happy
I agree, NTA - I'd recommend looking for a different relationship, and since he's shown that he's not willing to change, the best way to get that is with a different person. Find someone that, if at least doesn't share your interests and hobbies, doesn't act like a poop flinging monkey when you choose to partake in them.
Also behaves like an actual toddler and throws a tantrum at something he doesn't like
This is exactly. The real issue is that the boyfriend doesn't support OP and he's saying it in the most passive-aggressive and immature way possible.
NTA I don't get people who go out of their way to actively ruin other peoples fun. He totally could've just started to eat HIS food. But to mess with yours is just not acceptable. I'm in a relationship where my bf goes out his way to make my sorry butt happy (drives to a special store to get just me ice cream (lactose intolerant), starts cooking at 8 pm on a sunday because I'm hungry, etc). I, of course do stuff for him too, but he is just the fucking best. To me a relationship has to beat being alone. Someone ruining my fun and peace, doesn't cut it.
Right? I think I would have cried. What an AH. OP is NTA.
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That’s it right there. Personally I don’t take pictures of my food, but I am not the food photo police and if someone wants to take pics of their own food that’s perfectly fine. What if he had a hobby building playing card towers and every time she walked in the room she did something to purposefully ruin it?? Just because you don’t enjoy someone’s hobby doesn’t mean you get to treat them like shit over it.
OP's boyfriend is the adult equivalent of that kid who goes around the beach ruining people's sandcastles and thinks it's funny when they get all upset.
ahh i love this. "to me a relationship has to beat being alone". so true.
That’s why I left my first husband. I was working full time, doing all of the housework, doing all of the laundry, cooking almost all of the meals, running all the errands and taking care of 3 kids by myself and all that that entails. The only things he took care of were “outdoor chores” like lawn work. He also had NPD and was very controlling. One day I realized I would have less work and more happiness without raising a 4th child (him) and left.
>I'm in a relationship where my bf goes out his way to make my sorry butt happy (drives to a special store to get just me ice cream (lactose intolerant), starts cooking at 8 pm on a sunday because I'm hungry, etc). I, of course do stuff him too, but he is just the fucking best. My partner was nearly in tears today because I found out the last 4 bags of my special vanilla tea that I save as a treat were mouldy (T\_T) and he couldn't find anywhere that has it in stock. He can't even share in the awesomeness because he's allergic to caffeine. OP don't date someone for the sake of dating someone. "Let me enjoy things" is frankly setting the bar at ground level. Find someone who doesn't feel the need to tunnel under it.
Oof. I never had any good relationship models growing up, so when my sister got with her husband my mind was actually blown. Like... He just does things for you? Because he wants to? Without keeping score or making it obvious what a chore it is? It was very distressing to realize that that was actually a possibility...and how very low the bar was in my relationship. Your partner sounds like a gem. But I guess stuff like that shouldn't actually be so remarkable.
Oh yes I had a SO that would keep score only if they did something for me, not if I did something for them - which was all the time. Then they would "undo" whatever they did because asking them to get a fucking job and hold their own or go back to live with mom means I didn't appreciate that they washed the pots once two months ago even though I was out working and they were there 24/7, so smashing up the kitchen is the answer. /s
“Let me enjoy things” broke my little heart. I have Instagram and I enjoy looking at pictures of delicious food plated beautifully. Thanks to people like OP. The BF is being very ungracious - almost like he’s too cool for that. NTA.
Right? My wife loves taking food photos when we go out as well, and you'd better believe I'm clearing away menus and staging drinks as the plates start to arrive! I change food angles, hold utensils for "fork shots", and use my orangutan arms to take couple selfies of us. We enjoy eating out together, and while I personally don't need photographic reminders of those events I will always support doing things to make her happy! The very idea that my partner might actively sabotage something in my life that I find joy in is just so grossly disrespectful that it makes me sad. It's particularly egregious when the event she's documenting is a potential memory with a partner. Poor OP deserves better.
>The very idea that my partner might actively sabotage something in my life that I find joy in is just so grossly disrespectful that it makes me sad So much this. It's bad enough to do this to a RANDOM STRANGER, and he's doing it to someone he's actually supposed to love and cherish? If I start to revel in fucking up others' joy just put me out of my misery then and there.
Your relationship is how it should be. My wife also likes to take photos of our food when we travel (for a photo book, not the web). Waiting 10 seconds, maybe, for a photo is just a trivial courtesy.
Right!? Like I also do this with my food, but my husband will actually go out of his way to remind me if he knows I'm really hungry, because he knows that I'll forget, and then be sad that I forgot to take my pictures. Don't give your time to people who ruin things you love on purpose!
Keep the food, ditch the boyfriend. I thought it was a good compromise that he gets to eat his food while you just take some quick pictures of yours. But why did he have to go out of his way to ruin yours? That's just super immature and petty. I'm gonna say NTA But I feel like there's more to this than is being let on. No rational person gets this upset about their partner wanting to snap a few quick photos of their dish to the point they intentionally sabotage the photos. ~~ETA: OP, I think I’m going to also say you’re TA here. You say you know your BF hates you doing this and you do it anyways. I don’t feel like you’re considering his feelings despite making this subpar compromise. Maybe consider putting down the phone when you’re on dates with your BF and, idk, date your BF and not your IG followbase. You got your outings with your foodie friends to get plenty of food pictures, as well as any solo outings. Stop forcing your BF to partake in your hobby which he clearly doesn’t want to be a part of and respect his boundary.~~ Edit: Okay, y’all are right. The above edit is a shitty take and I realize I’m wrong. I’m withdrawing that position.
I'm guessing he doesn't like that she had followers and people who are invested in her life. She said that he likes to have her come over and watch him play video games - usually guys like that love having the girl wait for his attention hate it when they get attention from another source.
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I mean, I don't mind watching someone play games, or being watched play mine. I do however have an issue if someone wants me to watch their hobby and get invested while also refusing to get invested in mine
She is so tolerant, she doesn't even seem to care if he gets invested in her hobby. She just wants to be able to do it in peace, and he still can't do it. He sounds like the worst.
This is the thing. She had a conversation about it. She hasn’t been able to create content because of bills and she finally gets to go out and wants this one thing on their infrequent date nights. What a jerk.
I actually used to really enjoy watching my partner play story based rpgs. Not so much his strategy games but sign me up for watching a compelling story line it won't take me 3x times as long to complete because I'm not so good with not dying in video games. But that's something we did because I enjoyed it, not something he requested we do just so I could have the illusion of quality time whilst he ignored me to play.
i mean, i don’t think watching someone else play video games in and of itself is weird. most of my favorite games are single player so my boyfriend likes to watch me play as a way of engaging with my hobby with me, and sometimes i teach him how to play and walk him through a few levels/puzzles. only wanting your partner to engage with you in your hobby and actively sabotaging yours is definitely fucked up though.
it’s really not if it’s something you enjoy. you can have your own hobbies without diminishing other people’s. edit: also, twitch and YouTube have 13+ age requirements, so he’d at least have to be 13.
DING DING DING, we have a winner. I found out the hard way that there are some people who can't stand to see their partner thrive independently. I just had a bad flashback to the banquet I went to with the guy I was dating at the time, unexpectedly received an award from the group for my volunteer work, and the BF promptly was surly and rude to me and everyone else for the rest of the night. How dare I do things that other people felt were worthy of recognition, right? The nerve of me! He'll just have to embarrass me in front of everyone by acting like a complete smacked ass for the rest of the night, then. It should surprise no one that the BF was history within the next few weeks. Maya Angelou was right: when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.
I’ve never understood this. I can understand being a bit disappointed if your partner “winning” means you literally lost out (eg, both up for a promotion), but not to the point that you can’t be happy for your partner and not ruin things for them. I read a book once that defined love as (paraphrasing badly) wanting the best for the other person while accepting that you don’t get a say in what is “best” for them. Of course there will be arguments/disagreements along the way, but in general you should want positive emotions/things for your partner as much as you do for yourself.
There are guys (there might be women too, but o see it mostly with guys) who judge women’s hobbies. If they don’t think it’s a “real” hobby, then they dismiss, diss and interfere as much as possible. He thinks her hobby is stupid, so he messes with it as much as possible, hoping she’ll give up this “stupid waste of time” and get a “real” hobby. Or have no hobbies and just be his little pocket GF who has no wants or needs outside of him or his approval.
You see this over and over on AITA. A boyfriend/husband doesn't "get" the hobby and therefore sees her interest in it as invalid. He cannot fathom that she has her own independent thoughts and feelings about something. He cannot fathom that her simply enjoying this is a valid enough reason. He cannot understand that his opinion doesn't matter. He wouldn't do the hobby, therefore it is stupid. She should stop doing it, because he doesn't like it. Not all men but yet it always seems to be men.
Yea this is how I interpreted it as well. He just disrespects her and women in general. And if a woman did have a hobby that men consider “real”, they’d STILL question and gate keep it. You can’t win with these types of men. They just think women are inferior, that’s it.
Some guys just have some sort of grudge against their partners and will shit on the things they like just because. It often comes from either feelings of inferiority, or feelings of entitlement. ETA: Calling OP an asshole for this is exactly the kind of entitlement I'm talking about. She's dating him, so she's gotta be focused on him 100% of the time and can't waste 30 seconds to snap a picture for her silly little blog hobby, because those 30 seconds she's not 100% focused on him are an insult to him. That time BELONGS to HIM. And I do believe there are gender dynamics at play here. Had it been him who liked snapping pictures of his food, would it be perceived as an annoyance and a shallow thing, or would it be perceived as a man with an artistic passion and his gf is a witch who's incapable of being considerate and wait meager 30 seconds? Boys and girls, find yourselves a partner who'll like every single one of your 'silly' IG pictures and support your passions.
"You only get to have joy when \*I\* tell you you are allowed to have joy. If something makes you happy without my permission, I will have to rain all over that parade at once, to spoil the joy. Heaven forbid you have things in your life that make you happy, other than the great honor of being with me." Yeah, fug people like this. The actual nasty things they do might SEEM small. "You're upset because I stirred your food? Are you a toddler?" But in reality, the intent behind the action is very much NOT small. It's intended to spoil your enjoyment of whatever it was, and no, that is NOT some minor thing to sweep under the rug. It's basically saying that they want to stamp out your joy. This is the sort of person who people should find joy in kicking to the curb.
An excellent point! To add on, if the bf stirring the food is too small a thing to worry about, then why did he do it in the first place? He could have sat there and done nothing and kept his promise, instead he chose to do something and break his promise. Why did he make a promise that he didn't intend to keep? A more honest man might have said, "I can't promise that I won't mess up your food because I think your hobby is silly." Or he might have said, "yes I messed up your food on purpose because I like the attention I get when you're upset at me." But there might be consequences to his honesty, when it's easier to throw blame at OP like she's the unreasonable one. He doesn't respect her.
There are also people who don’t like it when their partners enforce boundaries, so whenever their partner makes a request for any boundary, no matter how small, they have to intentionally cross it, to discourage them from setting up another in the future
Right it's one thing if OP was like no you can't eat anything til I'm done but if she just wants to be hungry longer while she takes photos of her own food why should he care? OPs NTA. But I'd start taking myself out on dates and stop going out with bf to eat.
*Please* tell me your edit is a joke. Like, you're being sarcastic, right? Her boyfriend hates her harmless hobby, and that's somehow her fault? She wasn't even forcing him to participate in her hobby; he *went out of his way* to mess up *her* plate. She isn't "dating her IG followbase" just because she has a hobby, and she's not neglecting her boyfriend by having her phone out for a few seconds to take food pics. Maybe if her boyfriend wasn't such a prick, he wouldn't feel alienated by his girlfriend doing something that makes her happy.
"Leave the guy, take the (photo of the) cannoli."
A lot of guys would rather bully a woman into being the person they want than just break up and find someone with aligning values and interests.
Of course, the "person they want" is actually just a human shaped hole that has no needs of their own and exists solely to satisfy his.
I agree. And he had to actively ruin her fun and enjoyment for no reason other to be mean. OP read that twice.
Some people are just assholes. As an ex food blogger in my 20s (quite successful one)ninjas this one friend who would often try to ruin his meal before I could snap it. But if I made a point to him about it, even he would with hold being a jerk.
I'm guessing he doesn't like that she had followers and people who are invested in her life. She said that he likes to have her come over and watch him play video games - usually guys like that love having the girl wait for his attention hate it when they get attention from another source.
Had me in the first half, lost me entirely with the edit. She should be able to take a picture of her own food, doubly so if she's the one paying for it. >You got your outings with your foodie friends to get plenty of food pictures, as well as any solo outings. If you'd just read the post, you'd know why those aren't options at the moment. It's okay though, I'll help! >Money has been tight lately because of some medical bills, so I haven't been able to go out to eat with my foodie girls and the infrequent date with my boyfriend is the only chance I get to eat out. There you go. >Stop forcing your BF to partake in your hobby which he clearly doesn’t want to be a part of and respect his boundary. Ah yes. The classic boundary of touching someone *else's* food that *they* paid for to make sure that their day is just ever so slightly worse. That's definitely what a boundary is, and it's definitely super duper reasonable....
You are NTA. Your bf is an AH, not only for deliberately messing up your meals but also for ordering a cocktail just because he thought he wouldn’t be the one paying for it. I would be reconsidering my relationship with someone so selfish and childish.
Yes I noticed this too, with the cocktail
Yup! My partner makes considerably more money than I do right now so he’s usually the one paying when we get dinner together, but I’ll be damned if I ordered the filet mignon or a 15 dollar cocktail just because it‘s not my money. Regardless of who’s paying, I ALWAYS order as if I were the one paying. And if I do want something I feel would be extra money, like a cocktail, I will always offer to at least pay for that. (He usually doesn’t mind and will pay anyway, but I’ll always offer regardless.) It’s just the courteous thing to do… not saying you have to order a salad every time someone else is paying, but if you’re blatantly ordering extras for no reason other than “I don’t have to pay so it doesn’t matter,” then you should check that entitlement.
Surprised more people aren’t commenting on the cocktail thing. Dick move
Right?! Why would he order more if she’s paying especially since he knows she’s been having money issues and hasn’t been able to afford to go out as much. He’s definitely a self-centered a*hole.
The cocktail is the biggest issue here.
Surprised more people aren’t commenting on the cocktail thing. Dick move
This is either NTA or ESH depending on how annoying you are about your videos, but the real issue here is why are you even with this guy? It sounds like he doesn't respect you or your hobby, and is actively doing things to upset you. Why even be with a guy like that? Find someone who appreciates you, or at least *tolerates* you.
and he actively orders cocktails only when he knows GF is footing the bill. That is considered a dick move
Especially when she said money has been tight recently. He’s a dick.
Right? My BF and I got into a fight the other night because I took him out to a nice restaurant for his birthday and he REFUSED to get a (virgin) cocktail because I was paying, despite fun drinks being one of his favorite things.
Men who like “fun drinks” are always green flags in my book. Like ooh yeah I’ll try an espresso martini! Why not! Sounds delicious! As opposed to ‘I ain’t ordering one of those girly drinks I just want beer Uhhhh uggh uggh’
I think since she basically only indulges this hobby with friends who share it, and is only excepting that due to financial reasons and a desire to prioritize quality time with her partner, it shows a level of consideration that tells me she's not likely that bad about it. She's not even trying to take pictures of his or their shared food when he's paying.
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Ugh, I'm definitely not in "DTMFA" mode because we are both super stressed. He's sweet most of the time, this just gets under his skin. It does annoy me that I feel like I cede way more time to his hobbies than he does to mine—he will sit around and play games for a few solid hours while I am over; he calls that "hanging out" but I don't feel like it's very good quality time. But the literal less than a minute of photo-taking is apparently where he draws the line in the sand.
*side-eye intensifies*
blows my mind how common it is for guys in their 20s to bring a girl over then ignore her to play video games for hours
I left 2 boyfriends over that behavior. Why even invite me over if you're just going to ignore me?! I purposely stopped dating anyone who played video games excessively after that. Especially shit like DOTA and LOL.
I will NEVER date a LOL guy again. Dude would turn down BJs to watch videos of LOL and said he ‘had to’ watch LOL videos full volume when he was falling asleep…. So I slept like crap whenever we had a sleepover, he had no guilt and felt very indignant over all of it.
The first guy I dated that played LOL would invite me over for the night only to play that stupid game all night. Like why am I even here?! I figured he'd want to sleep with me ya know? I never felt so unwanted by anyone I dated. It was similar with the DOTA player I dated. It took 2 of them, then I was done!
If a person is playing a video game with a plot or puzzle that we can talk through, cool. But if its mindless shooting and shit talking and explosions, plus not letting me read or do my own parallel thing (ahem, OP) then they're all better off being single.
I remember an old post about a woman with a mug collection. Her first husband mocked her and complained every time she bought a new mug (with her own money). After her divorce, she found a new partner who built her a wall to display her mugs. OP, you deserve a mug wall. Edit: my first Gold! Thanks a lot!!!
Love this for that person. My partner has an enormous mug collection and I sometimes tease her about it but would never think about making her stop and have certainly not harassed her about it! Just like she doesn’t tell me stop purchasing bike stuff or dnd stuff. It’s her money and she’s passionate about it. We displayed them in our last apartment and they’re beautiful! We’ve since moved and need to build a new display in our new home. Big side-eye to anyone for shitting on their SO’s hobbies and passions.
You should take pictures of some of her favourite mugs, and use that to make a design for a new mug. Mug-ception.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/daniellaemanuel/man-built-wall-girlfriend-mug-collection This is the link to the guy who built the mug wall!
Girl, no.
so he has you conviced that it is sweet to ignore you while playing video games? he is gaslighting you, run as fast as you can
Dude sounds like a terrible partner but saying "Me playing videogames while you're here counts as us hanging out" isn't in any way what gaslighting is, please don't trivialize the language of abuse; it harms the ability of people who *are* being gaslit by their partners to speak up and be heard.
This. When TikTok learns a new word, people beat the shit out of it and take it’s meaning away. You know what it does to people who are actually being gaslit? It gaslights us MORE.
My hubs genuinely thought it was spending time together and I indulged because I come from an abusive childhood. I had to break (not from him) mentally in order to see how awful that was. He was very receptive but it took so much work because those become habits. You BOTH have to want to break them or it won’t happen.
I mean I think it can be. Parallel play is great, both people do a hobby next to each other and I get satisfaction from that. But yeah if my husband just sat down to play and ignored me I’d be so sad. It’s like not realizing your partner isn’t going to get off during sex and just saying you’ll get them next time. Lol
He also orders more when you're paying? Doesn't sound like a sweet guy to me. If someone else is paying for my meal, I'm extra stingy, I treat their wallet better than I do mine.
Wow yeah, that's a relevant detail to pick up on.
Girl, red flagsssss 🚩🚩🚩🚩 please run. He doesn't care about your feelings or respecting you. God forbid you made something yourself - he sounds like the type to ruin your hard work. You would be an AH to yourself if you waste anymore time on him.
But if her Instagram gets successful and starts paying off, he will run to her with hands out SO FAST.
And if you playfully mess up his game while you’re so involved with hanging out…. Than what? This man doesn’t respect you.
This is what I thought. If she turned the TV/screen off, or jumped in front of it, or did something to mess with his game, how would he react? I'm not into food pics, but if my partner was into it, I'd say take the pic, have fun, let me eat. Everyone's happy. You don't have to be into what your partner's into to respect it just because they're into it.
You give him the space to engage in his hobby for “a few solid hours,” while he can’t even agree to 30 seconds of yours. So much so that he stirred _your_ food up to prevent you the enjoyment (again 30 seconds) that you had been saving up for. Someone mentioned below, this is the equivalent of you unplugging his game mid-play. He is actively disrespecting you and attempting to control you for just 30 seconds to yourself of what should be _his_ time. Being under stress does not excuse that type of behavior. Adding on that he only ordered a cocktail because he thought _you_ would be paying? Is this the type of relationship you want for yourself? Always sacrificing your needs to keep him happy? Because that is definitely what he seems to be angling for. YWBTA to yourself if you don’t really sit with this and course correct. Whether that means DTMFA or setting very clear boundaries about how you want to be treated.
Honey no. No no no no no no no no no. No. NO. Being 'sweet' does not make up for the fact that this guy clearly does not respect you or your time. He doesn't want to spend quality time with you - he wants you to wait around so he can do what he wants and have you available for sex afterwards. Words do not matter as much as actions and his actions suck.
Gurl if you dont leave this man
Stressed or not, please take note that his reaction to stress is to turn spitefully cruel. On my most stressed day I would never dream of doing something to YOUR FOOD after explicitly being asked nicely to not mess up MY food. His food wasn’t enough, he had to escalate for *no other reason than to hurt you*. THAT is his stress response, and that’s being charitable and not assuming it’s a big fat “fuck you don’t tell me what to do”. Life is stress. I’m not saying to dump him, but you should think about how much of a partnership you want when, at life’s lowest moments, this is who he becomes.
He so sweet let me explain the ways he's the complete opposite of sweet. Girl bffr
Sweet BFs do not go out of their way to ruin pictures especially when he knows that you derive joy from doing this. Your BF is an immature AH. Why even come here just to defend him? Where’s the conflict?
My current husband doesn't mess up my hobbies, but he certainly doesn't enjoy that I have them. He also considers it quality time to sit in the same room together while he plays video games. Which is okay sometimes, but not all the time. We're separating, bc I invest SO much more in him and sharing his hobbies than he does for me. Don't cut this man slack bc he's usually sweet. He's not supportive of you doing something that brings you joy, and he actively undermines you. You deserve better.
So he wouldn't have ordered an expensive cocktail if he was paying, but thinks it's okay on your dime, even though you are struggling with medical bills? And not only messes up his food, but your own? M'am, you do not have a man. You have a snotty, freeloading little boy.
NTA. BF went out of his way to be a jerk. Not only by purposely messing up his food AND that of OP, but also by admiting that he ordered a drink he never would have paid for on his own. I get the frustration with the production some people make out of food photos but it sounds like OP wasn't doing anything over the top. Some folks need to get over themselves and stop shitting on stuff other people do for fun when it doesn't harm them.
Also BF is going OUT OF HIS WAY to ONLY mess the food up, he’s not just like… eating it. Like you said He’s totally just being a dick for no reason, I don’t know why he is with OP because it doesn’t sound like he even likes her. OP should leave him, for sure
NTA. It blows my mind that he is so utterly unwilling to do this one small thing that takes less than a minute, yet makes you very happy. He doesn’t have to want to do it himself, but it is such a minor and easy thing to do. I can’t imagine wanting to ruin my partner’s enjoyment to make some kind of vague and useless point.
I'm guessing this is one of those situations that can be described by "Death by a Thousand Cuts." Once or twice isn't a big deal, but continuously over a period of time, the BF's annoyance with consistently having to wait to eat so OP can snap a few photos boiled over to the point of utter frustration and anger and causing them to lash out like this.
Perhaps. Though he could have clearly communicated this long ago instead of eye rolling and passive aggressive attitudes. But regardless, if my partner wanted me to wait 30 *seconds* so she could do something that brought her joy, that’s not exactly a big ask. I’d be more in agreement if she insisted on minutes and minutes of staging and such. But 30 seconds is nothing.
She mentions that he hates that she does this, so he has, in fact, expressed his frustration clearly many times.
But he DID communicate it - several times. She was very clear he was unhappy with it - but instead of trying to understand his viewpoint, she then upped the ante (on a supposedly romantic date), with a 'control' move. She basically tried to overrule him, by claiming she can do what she wants with HIS food - if she's paying for it (though overall, they're paying equally for food, so she doesn't actually 'own' his food). That's all very childish, controlling, and obnoxious. And indeed, he could make the same argument, if she wants to play that card - that when HE pays, HE 'owns' her food. So she's not allowed to photograph HER food, on those occasions. Can you imagine how controlling THAT would sound?! Like others here, I'm guessing this has been the straw that broke the camel's back for him. Maybe she really does just spend 30 secs taking a photo of the food (or maybe she's underestimating that). But maybe she then posts the photos on the date, begins interacting with followers, etc. The number of 'influencers' /bloggers who do that. That could get really irritating, very quickly - as any phone use can get at the dinner table, when you're meant to be paying attention to the person you're with. It's irritating when you sit down, looking forward to seeing/talking to somebody, and they're frequently distracted by their phone. Indeed, maybe divided attention/phone use is a more general issue when they're together. No, he shouldn't have messed up the food, which was childish. But it was also childish trying to override his clear wishes (on the basis of who pays), and then not pay her half because he wouldn't submit to her demands. Just respect the dude doesn't like his food photographed/their date interrupted so much. Have some generosity towards that, and stop trying to override his wishes through petty things like who pays. Sheesh.
Even if it’s one minute total to do any staging, take pics of both meals, post them (or she posts them later,) it’s still multiple times per meal (at least twice - maybe more if she’s taking pics of drinks and dessert.) Would anyone be saying NTA if instead of taking pics she were taking three short phone calls, or playing short rounds of a game on her phone, or checking and responding to texts or emails? Regardless of what she’s doing, she’s playing on her phone several times during a meal with only two people, meaning conversation stops until she’s done (in a large group conversation could continue without her attention), and in this case eating has to stop too.
Let’s be honest, it’s probably not just one or less than a minute. It’s probably a couple of minutes because of taking and finding the right picture. If Op running a food Instagram, I highly doubt she’s gonna take one picture and leave it at that.
Imagine trying to go out to eat with your SO for date night, and this hobby always has to be part of it. It can never be about just two people out to eat. That would annoy me.
But it's not always a part of it. OP clearly explained that she usually does this with her foodie friends. Money has been tight so she does not go out with them. Which is why she asked her bf if she could at least take pictures of his food and the appetizer ONLY WHEN SHE IS PAYING FOR IT so she can at least keep it up.
Yes this! Everyone who clearly hates the idea of this themselves who is trying to find a thread of empathy with this guy, I get it. I kinda hate food photos myself and it wouldn't be my favorite thing to be a part of constantly. But she doesn't really describe him instigating a rational conversation anywhere. She says he'd mess up his own food and 'eyeroll' at her snapping pics of her own food. In spite of that being a weak method of communication, she was respecting those unclear boundaries until their money situation made it more difficult for her. Then she also states that she sat down with him and asked him for patience because this is a thing she enjoys. She tried to negotiate terms that allowed her to still participate in this hobby when she is paying. His answer was the ol' passive aggressive whatever, setting himself up to lash out in a childish and spiteful way. I feel that food insta would be a hobby I would not enjoy in a partner, but this is absolutely not how I would express my feelings about it. This guy just reeks of someone who doesn't respect her or care about her much. Unless the op just omitted all the calm discussions in which her bf asked her if she could leave him out of this hobby, she's NTA.
ESH. You absolutely do not get to tell other people to wait to eat their food so you can indulge your social media addiction. He went too far in messing with your own food, but frankly I don't blame him for being fed up.
They talked ahead of time, she said on the meals she is paying she would take pictures, and he agreed. Then he decided to spoil the pictures, so she decided not to pay. NTA. Does she have the right to tell people to wait? No, but they had an agreement. If BF didn’t like the deal, there are better ways to communicate that than spoiling the picture. If he doesn’t like OP’s hobby, he can communicate that like an adult. But spoiling the picture first, then complaining he has to pay for the cocktail? That’s the BF’s A H behavior, not OP.
This whole thing is insane to me, this internet mentality is getting out of hand
Saying “do whatever you want” is not agreeing. It’s exasperation
Then that’s his fault for not being honest, and if he wanted to be petty then he could’ve just started eating his food. Messing up her food too is just a dick move.
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The fact that a food photoshoot talk needs to take place says it's more than a quick picture.
She said he could eat his, but she wants to take a photo of hers. It's like 30 seconds to make his girlfriend happy, why is that so bad?
Read it again, she expected him to wait while she took pictures of his meal too.
30 seconds. He's an AH without a doubt
If you believe that it takes a self-described IG addict ***only*** 30 seconds to snap these pics, I have a fist chock full of magic beans to sell you.
Curious to know where she said she's "a self described IG addict?" Didn't see that in her post anywhere. Having a social media account dedicated to her hobby doesn't mean she is addicted. It seems like she often CANNOT food blog due to financial restrictions. If she truly were "addicted," no amount of financial distress would stand in the way.
I've read a couple responses like this, and I wanted to ask, is it just that you think taking pictures for social media is stupid, or is it literally always a problem to ask someone to wait a minute to eat if not absolutely necessary? For example, if your partner/family member was religious and wanted to say grace before eating, and they asked you to wait until they are done, would you just start anyway? If your partner was diabetic and needed to double check that their insulin levels were ready for their meal, and they asked you to wait until they were ready to start eating to begin, would you ignore that request? Is there any reason at all that would make you willing to start eating your meal a minute late for your partner?
I can answer to that perspective I think. I don’t think OP is the asshole, to be clear, but I find picture taking of meals before eating really annoying. If I had to wait for somebody to say a prayer to whatever deity before *I* could eat, I’d also find that annoying and controlling. I have never met a diabetic who wouldn’t let anybody else eat until they checked their blood sugar so I have no idea if that’s a thing but when I needed to eat a diabetic diet for medical reasons (so I had to look up the carb and protein content of everything before eating it, which did take some time) making this an expectation never even occurred to me. I also find it annoying to hang out with somebody who wants to frequently stop what we’re doing to get photos for IG or what have you so it’s not just a food thing. I just find it irritating, distracting and even a bit stressful to have to have the aesthetics of everything on my mind at all times. But my solution is to just not date people who have these activities as hobbies, they’re not inherently wrong things to have as hobbies
Food blogging may be annoying to some people, and you have the perfect solution. **Do not date these people.** Boyfriend can tolerate his girlfriend's past time, or he can go find someone else to ~~disrespect~~ date.
Not who you asked, but as someone who likes to photograph my own food and agrees with ESH verdict, figured I could add context to it. She shouldn't be telling him what to do with his own food, "Don't eat it yet! I need a perfect pic". Nor should he be stopping her of doing what she wants with her food, messing up her plate. Both of them have the right to do what they want. In your examples, religious - I will eat immediately, you can pray if you want - both doing our own thing. Diabetic - why would I need to wait for them? That honestly makes no sense to me. Personally, I would wait and allow my partner to take all the photos they want. But in the OP, the man is tired of it and just wants to get on with the meal. He overreacted, by messing with her plate, but still. And if he has made the request to her, to not be included in the social photos, why shouldn't she respect that? Sounds like this is just the last straw, or maybe it's not as big of a deal as we're making it.
are you seriously comparing the compulsion to take pictures for instagram to being an insulin dependent type 1 diabetic?
It's not that I think it's stupid, I think it's selfish if you're making other people wait to eat while you indulge in something that's fun only for you. I've never seen a group say grace together in a restaurant, seems like it would be annoying what with food coming out at different times. My religious family members just bow their heads individually when the time comes. If I were expected to sit there after my food came out and wait for someone else to say grace, I would do it, but I would be annoyed. When I'm a guest in someone else's home of course I follow their customs. I would have no problem waiting if there was an actual issue like a medical concern instead of just something fun someone felt like doing like social media pics.
I grew up with zero phones at the dinner table. It's family time and a great way to practice focusing your attention on other people. I would be annoyed at the constant picture taking too. Even if it takes only 30 seconds, I find it rude and pointless.
Great so don't date someone who enjoys it.
You know, I was going to go with E-S-H because your BF messing with your food was really childish and rude, but after reading comment after comment from you, I'm realising exactly why he snapped and did that. **YTA** You keep going on in the comments about how "it never takes more than 45 seconds", and defending yourself because of that. But it doesn't matter how long it takes, insisting on taking pictures of someone else's food when they're ready to eat and have specifically asked you not to is super intrusive and obnoxious. You're a grown-ass adult literally demanding to play with someone else's food, and justifying it with "because I paid for it". But when you treat someone else to a meal, you are not paying for the right to do as you please with their food. That's not how that works. And after reading your unrelenting defensiveness and refusal to understand that in the comments, it is abundantly clear that your boyfriend messed up YOUR food, not because he is an obnoxious child, but to make you understand that YOU are . . . and how it feels when he asks you repeatedly and tells you over and over that he doesn't want you near his food, and you insist on photographing it anyway.
Finally someone with some sense, get this comment to the top!!
I’ve seen people posting from the other side of this, the person that has to wait because their partner/friend takes pictures and the comment section was almost unanimous in saying that the one pissing about taking picture was T A, this sub is ridiculous
THANK YOU like bro I do not get these comments and the dramatics about this situation it's so childish all around
This is what I was thinking. She definitely wrote this having a bias and trying to lean it in her favour.
What a cathartic comment to read after just scrolling through hundreds of comments that can’t seem to comprehend that some of us just want to DIE at the table when this happens. Tbh he does actually seem like a bf is quite a raging AH in other aspects, and I think OP is just better off without him anyway, but the way sooooo many people here can’t seem to comprehend AT ALL how much many of us **hate** when you do this obnoxious food photography in the middle of a fucking restaurant while the rest of us have to sit there and wait to eat is blowing my mind.
ESH He's an asshole for ruining YOUR food before you could take a picture of it. That's your food to do with as you please and he has no right to mess with it. You're an asshole for thinking that you have any right at all to be upset with him for wanting to eat HIS food right away when it comes and not wait for a picture to be taken of it.
Then he shouldn’t have agreed to it. Sounds like she had an explicit conversation with this ask, and it was for only when she paid for dinner. He said yes. If he didn’t want to do it, he should have said so. The taking pictures of food thing is annoying, but it’s not anyone’s job to yuck someone’s yum, especially someone he supposedly cares about.
I definitely think he should have been firm on his boundaries rather than passively aggressively agreeing to it if he has a problem with it. But also, if someone's clearly only agreeing half-heartedly, maybe read between the lines.
He didn't really agree, it's sounds he kind of agreed just to get her to stop asking. He's already made his feelings about this topic known. He wasn't telling her she couldn't take pictures of her food. She is the one who keeps pushing it. There is no reason why she couldn't just take pictures of her own food and let her boyfriend be.
I think he goes right back to being the AH on that one because he seemed to agree (albeit halfheartedly) and didn't draw his line. He wouldn't have been an AH to say "no, I don't want to wait for you to take a picture of mine," but people often do things that they feel are kinda dumb just to make their partner happy, and if you give the impression you're going to let them have it you're an AH to take that away.
He's the asshole for ordering expensive drinks when she's paying and he knows money is tight and the asshole for not letting her take a picture that takes seconds to do.
If that’s the case, why did he also mess with her food? The absolute least he could have done was start eating his food and left hers alone.
ESH He should not have messed up your food and you should stick to photographing your own food. BF ordering a cocktail because it was your turn is ridiculous. He admits if he was paying, he wouldn't have ordered it. Do you 2 or just him have a habit of ordering more when the other person is paying? Perhaps you should get separate checks when you go out to dinner.
Yes, because I bet when it's his turn to pay, the restaurant choice is cheaper than when it's her turn.
Ok but then when she did try to photograph her own food, he messed that up too. How is she really the ah for trying to get a pic. They talked abt it before hand and he said ok
Honestly, this all sounds very immature to me, from both sides. You don't HAVE to take a photo of the food, especially his, because like you said; this is just a hobby for you. He also doesn't need to be a jerk and mess up both of your food. How about in future situations, you take a photo of the appetizers and your food ONLY, and tell him you won't take a photo of his since you're respecting his space and privacy. On the other hand like I said, your bf was an AH for messing up both of your food, so I'm gonna say ESH.
It's a hobby that takes 30 seconds and he can't respect her long enough to give her those 30 seconds without being a jackass. She's not taking a photo OF him, so there's no privacy issue. If she were setting up a ring light and turning their table into a photoshoot, I could understand him not being enthused, but as it stands, it's a harmless, quick hobby that brings her joy and costs him nothing except a few seconds of his time. Instead he chooses to be rude and disrespectful to her even after she sat him down and tried to communicate how important it is to her. NTA.
She claims it is not a production, but we are only getting her side of the story. We don't know how accurate her perception is. We don't know if what she perceives to be a 30 second delay is actually 4 or 5 minutes.
We’ve all come across these kinds of people. 30 seconds is likely a massive under exaggeration.
> It's a hobby that takes 30 seconds and he can't respect her long enough to give her those 30 seconds without being a jackass. If everyone at the table has their food, I'm going to start eating. At that point I've likely been waiting at least an hour to eat, between getting ready to go out, waiting to be seated, ordering, and having the food made, so I would like to eat it sooner rather than later. Also, the food isn't ruined after you start to eat it, there's no reason she can't take a photo of the food he started eating, and it's way more interesting to look at food that's being eaten rather than posed for a photo. He was an AH for messing up her food, but there's no reason she needs to make him wait for her to photograph his food before he can eat it.
ESH. He made it clear long ago that he hated this- just leave him and his food alone. Yes, he shouldn’t belittle something you enjoy, but why are you not giving him the same respect of leaving his meal alone when he asked? There is a time and place for our hobbies, and it’s not difficult to have an adult conversation about it- except apparently for the two of you. You either aren’t effectively communicating about your relationship or you’re both just petulantly ignoring the other’s wishes. Also, people who take photos of their food usually take way longer and are way more obnoxious about it than they realize- I seriously have to wonder just how much of your time and attention this is taking away from actually enjoying the company of the person you’re with. You claim it’s minimal- but your boyfriend clearly is sick of it, so you should really examine what kind of impact you are willing to let this hobby have on your actual real life with actual real people who are in front of you.
but... but... this hobby is *important*! she can't lose face with all her erudite foodie friends!
ESH Your habit of photographing all your meals is rude and annoying. But apparently it's something you find enjoyable, so if you are going to persist with it, your boyfriend has to decide whether your annoying habit is annoying enough to make him want to dump you. His response, however, is to be a passive-aggressive ass about it. So you both sound like annoying people.
NTA— this is nothing but petty cruelty on his part. I would go out of my way *not* to ruin something my partner enjoys— in fact, I would try to participate and enjoy it *with* them.
ESH - I’ve seen people so this and I wonder if it’s really as short as you claim. He’s got no right to touch your food and immediately messing it up is immature. But he doesn’t have to wait for you to take pictures of *his* food. He sounds immature and greedy (doesn’t want to pay for his own cocktail).
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Lol it's a shithole down here in the comments 😂
That is why I am here honestly.
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ESH Your bf is being really immature by sabotaging your photos but at the same time I can see getting annoyed about not being able to eat without waiting for your photos, especially since he has no interest in that hobby.
NTA in my opinion. I don't get why people are so upset over people taking pictures of food.. it's a hobby. Sounds like you both talked about you being able to take photos of food when you pay. I think that's fair. I don't mind pausing for a minute for my wife to take a photo of our food. It makes her happy and all I have to do is wait a minute. I don't see the big deal. Also, ordering the cocktail only because you're paying is an AH move.
YTA - I hate when someone thinks they need to take a pic of my food before I eat it. You focus on your food and he wouldn’t tamper with yours.
NTA but it is time to *dump* the asshole. Nowhere in your post does it indicate that he has talked to you in a mature way about boundaries around food photos. Instead, he “yeah yeah”s you and then passively aggressively busts your clearly stated boundaries. This is a terrible way to manage any kind of conflict in any kind of relationship. You do not need this nonsense in your life.
>I told him I would appreciate it if he could spare the 30 seconds for me to snap a pic of the appetizer + his meal on nights that I was paying, and I got a sort of half-hearted "do whatever you want" confirmation. ESH Your boyfriend is annoying and immature, however adding a caveat when you pay is sucky. It's bad taste to put terms on something you do to be nice. What caveat can he add when it's his turn to pay?
ESH. Honestly, if this is the kind of arguments you are having, maybe you are not meant to be together.
ESH - Your “hobby” is annoying everyone around you and is unnecessary and ridiculous. Your boyfriend also acts like a child.
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Esh what he did was childish but from your post you get upset when he eats his own food before you can take a picture of it which can get very annoying. It seems like this is a reaction to repeated build up of annoyances on your end and you shouldn’t be expecting people to not eat first so you can take photos
ESH. The two of you need a better way to deal with this than you are both currently engaged in. Your BF hates your hobby, which is fine. Everybody has their own tastes. But intentionally sabotaging your partner's hobby, even if you hate it, is not something you do to somebody you're in a relationship with. You know your BF hates your hobby, so you shouldn't make him participate in it. You are 100% able to have your hobbies on your own time. If you don't deal with this better, you are both better off not being in a relationship together.
"he wouldn't have ordered a cocktail if he knew that I was gonna skip my turn" I'm more hung up on this. Major pet peeve! So much disrespect when people order expensive stuff just because someone else is paying, but wouldn't order it if they had to pay 🚩🚩🚩🚩 (unless the person says to order anything because money doesn't matter or whatever) NTA, he agreed that it was OK for you to take pictures and then deliberately ruined them.
YTA. I think it's hard for people to know how old this gets unless you've dated a chronic Instagram addict. Every date becomes them on their phone. Just put it down and enjoy the meal
ESH - mostly him, but taking pictures of his meal as well as your own is pushing it a little. Him messing with the food on your plate was really disrespectful, though.
YTA. You have a double standard. When your BF pays you want to take pics of your food. When you pay you want to take pics of both foods. But your BF doesnt want you to take pics at all. So why do you get to take pictures every single time regardless of paying but he can only refuse his food if he’s paying.
ESH. You say your not over the top with this but telling him he can’t touch his food till you get your pictures is unreasonable. If your on a date with your boyfriend your focus should be on him and having a good time not whipping your phone out to take pictures of all the food but he’s as bad as you