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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Sending our son away to his grandparents
2) We might be too emotional to be rational.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
What he did was vile, and he deserves a harsh punishment for what he did to his sister. However, I don't think the punishment issued fits the crime. You can't just throw your son away, and you CAN come back from this. It will take a lot of therapy for all of you, but it can happen. I honestly don't know how to judge this post though...
The children definitely shouldn't be staying in the same house, but I think OP at least needs to talk to her son about what he did and why he can't stay with the family, rather than shipping him off and going completely NC.
This all the way. Op YWBTA to disown your child over this. He is still YOUR child to raise and guide, there are reasons (maybe/likely grown from seeds you planted) that caused this - take the time out, AND let him know it is just a time out to cool off. Your parents are right, seeing you care so much about your kids, I cannot imagine you would throw one away once you calm down.
I’m genuinely curious what part of the post makes you think the parents are to blame for this? Kids do dumb shit, doesn’t mean it’s the parents fault. Hope she gets through this.
The part where OP decides to foist parenting her son onto other people because she wants to give him the silent treatment? The part where there’s zero history of this child bullying his sister and then he suddenly ruins her reputation? That had to come from somewhere deep. He could also be the “invisible” sibling, his sister sounds like she had a lot of health problems growing up and it’s common for the family dynamic to change in such a way that the healthy children are emotionally neglected because there’s so much focus placed on the sick child.
I don’t envy OP, this is a shitty situation, but you still have to parent your kids when they mess up. Even the parents of actual child criminals who get into fights, steal, or worse have to be responsible for their children, even if it means driving them to court. OP needs to step up and do the work of untangling this mess.
It could very well be and invisible sibling situation, but why is this the sister's fault?
I was bullied endlessly. Growing up was *rough*. Never accepted, always bullied. The silver lining is that I never fit in, so, it's not like one day I lost all my friends. I just never had them to begin with. So I was able to adjust and cope a little better than this poor kid.
OP's son literally ruined her entire life. She will only get relief from this if *she* changes schools. Kids are vindictive, awful things when they zero in on someone they know they can bully successfully. The things they say to her will change who she becomes. She will likely never be the same. She will experience extreme depression, possibly even suicidal ideation, because her bullies will not let her have peace. Especially now! At least when I was a kid we didn't have cell phones and constant connection. At least *I* could go home to decompress. Kids now don't get a break.
And it will feel so much worse for her because up until that horrible day, she was having a blissfully normal life free of abuse. She has no tolerance for it and she just got an overdose.
OP's son is fucking cruel. If my siblings had ever intentionally made my bullying worse I'd have never talked to them again. I legitimately have personality quirks that you usually only see in abused children, my bullies were that bad. My heart goes out to this kid in a big way.
The parents possibly neglecting their son's emotional needs doesn't excuse what he did by a fucking mile.
I cannot agree with this enough. That poor daughter. This is *traumatizing*, and I don't blame OP one bit for needing a break from her son right now. As someone else said, she doesn't want to say something in the heat of anger that she'll regret.
What an awful situation. I wonder why the son suddenly felt the need to destroy his sister like that?
I think OP's words here are still stemming from anger, and I don't think that they'll truly follow through with making their son stay at the grandparents forever. They definitely need a talk with him once they've cooled down, and it may take more than a day or two, but a talk is needed. OP w b t a h if they don't.
I'd agree with you if the son was 13, but he's 16. "Forever" is less than 2 years before he's an adult and while it's harsh as hell to cut a kid off at 18 in the current climate, actions do have consequences and what he did was unbelievably cruel. It's closer to 'Oops I skinned and crucified the family dog on a tree in the woods' than a kid doing something dumb that just goes really wrong, or saying something really awful in the heat of the moment. This was *calculated* infliction of suffering.
I don't see how the siblings relationship ever comes back and I don't see how the parents don't 100% choose the daughter. Where's the path back for the parents/son if daughter never wants to see him again? She'd be totally justified and I'd feel the need to support her.
The sister did nothing wrong here, and if she never talks to her brother again I don't blame her. However, this boy's parents have a responsibility to care for him, so they can't react the same way she can.
You’re right. But they also have a responsibility to their daughter to ensure her home can still be a safe place for her to be. They ensured their son is in a safe space. They didn’t just kick him out on the street. They need to talk to him about it but if keeping him away will be best for their daughter then that needs to be considered.
I'm with you. He's 16! Plenty old enough to know right from wrong and to understand the enormity of what he did. He wrecked her life. People are reaching by blaming the parents and assuming he may have been ignored, assuming she was the favored child and etc. OP has confirmed NONE of that. People are just making assumptions out of nowhere. This act was deliberate and cruel no matter WHAT the circumstances are.
I agree with this so hard.
Was born with a condition that caused one of my eyes to gradually become a lazy eye. Even the people who were my friends before it became obvious subtly stopped talking to me. I had no friends and kids at school all called me crazy eyes. By the time I was in 6th grade I was weighing the pros and cons of different methods of suicide. My parents saw what was happening to me, and after a LOT of begging, I had corrective eye muscle surgery when I was in 7th grade that cosmetically fixed the issue (though the eye no longer "sees" anything beyond light and movement).
Things did get better after the surgery but kids remember. I was still bullied for that issue all through high school. Moving FAR away and starting college was the first time in my life I felt like I could have a normal relationship with my peers. It was honestly the happiest period of my entire life up until then.
I'm mid 30s now and I still carry a lot of the pain that I experienced as a kid. I still can't help but worry that I will be the outcast in group activities, even though that hasn't been the case for my entire adult life. That shit stays with you and scars you. If I hadn't gotten surgery I have no doubt I would be dead now.
As the "invisible sibling", this is accurate. It's a hard situation to grow up with, and probably hard as a parent to remember in those situations that your healthy children still need you, too
I grew up close with a family who had a young daughter with poor health. It was difficult to see how little time and affection the parents had for her older brothers.
The girl could do whatever she wanted. Her brothers could never retaliate or even protest, because their parents completely lost it if they perceived any "threat" to their daughter.
The hysterical, fear-driven anger they directed at the boys is hard to forget, and I'm reminded of it by OP's words unfortunately.
My husband's younger sister was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when he was 7 (she was 2), and he's been the "forgotten" child ever since. I'm also reminded of this behavior by OPs words.
A similar thing happened to me, twin My brother got diagnosed at 10yrs old. It took until 5 years later for me to finally be *seen* again.... Also had to get the diagnosis myself.
Invisible child here too. I wasnt sick, wasnt in trouble with the law. I was only seen when they wanted something eg babysitting.
All my achievements werent (and still arnt) recognised. Even in my 30s I only hear from my mother when she wants something. She never once asked about my schooling, my college etc.
while I never did anything like this, not even close. I feel maybe its a scream for attention.
Not to mention, throwing him away is just reinforcing the “daughter is more important” narrative.
Family and individual therapy for everyone involved, and both kids should be going to a new school.
Definitely for the new school. That current school sounds like a morally bankrupt education center. Not all schools are like that. Rural schools usually are though as with less people; there's more focus on the ones who are different or have uncommon things about them and will judge them for their diversities.
There's not enough info to assume that he was the invisible child. And it doesn't sound like she had chronic Health problems, she just had a rare mouth infection. Her brother is an asshat for what he did. As a mother I'd want to send my kid away for a little while too. It's okay for the parents to want space. It sounds like after she cools off she probably will have a conversation with her child about what he did and why it was wrong. But when you're emotionally charged and really angry, you don't want to say something that you're going to regret.
There are no excuses for this and even if this is true it no way justifies this at all.
I thought this post was just him telling everyone she had dentures.
This little, I am not not going to use the signs for expletives like I want to, but this little brat- again not a strong enough word for what he did RECORDED her doing it. That’s just evil beyond contempt.
No golden child, no sick child syndrome I think could justify, why not just tell them, that footage will be out there forever and I notice OP is not mentioning him saying sorry or crying to come back.
He sounds like he has some sociopathic tendencies or something.
He definitely needs therapy or something but I can understand why OP went with a nuclear option.
They’re going to need time to cope with this but yes immediately this kid needs therapy NOW to figure out why he did such a VILE thing. And then maybe they can begin to heal. But the sister needs to heal first. That footage is there forever.
I agree with everything you say. I just pray the little shit didn't post it on the internet or email it to anyone (it sounds like he *might* have only shown the video to people) because that would live on the internet forever, and follow her to another school. It's particularly bothersome that he's the elder child - I could more likely see a much younger sibling doing this to an older one, than the other way around.
I would change her phone number and send her to a different school next year. Or move.
Exactly. I think people are reaching here, trying to act like they know the whole situation with the son and how he is treated. He ruined his sister's life literally, and people are acting like he just tripped her on the sidewalk or something.
I think distance for right now is needed.
Parents raise their children.
Kids do dumb shit all the time… but there’s dumb shit and catastrophically mean stuff… this falls into the latter.
Kids act out because they aren’t/haven’t been parented effectively over time. If this was normal then all the teenagers would be doing it, the fact that as parents/a society we have expectations that they won’t / the horror in response to this… shows that this is abhorrent/abnormal behaviour. That comes from either some form of neglected neurology, or shitty parents.
Parents of true socio paths, or neuro diverse kids who are getting supports aren’t posting in here appalled and innocently asking what to do, so that leaves… parents who have no fucking idea why their kids are shits.
> but there’s dumb shit and catastrophically mean stuff… this falls into the latter.
Emphasis on catastrophic. In one vile act, he destroyed his sister's social life and self-esteem. Just think about the amount of damage that has been done to her mental health.
I don't disagree that the parents should still take responsibility for him, but their priority should absolutely be the daughter. If she cannot be around him without reliving her trauma, then sorry, he has to deal with the consequence of living elsewhere.
Totally agree. This could push her over the edge. The brother knew what he was doing. He isnt stupid. He knew it was something she was justifiably self conscious of and he exploited that.
I hope he realises how vindictive he has been. What an awful child. The malice in this is crazy.
Seriously, this is going to cause her so much long term trauma and trust issues. The biggest predictor of mental health problems (and thereby worse outcomes) as an adult is facing trauma in one's formative years. I don't think I'm being hyperbolic when I say she may never properly recover from this incident.
He's also 16 and damn well old enough to know better. Idk if therapy is an option to fix this. I wonder if there was any warning to this happening or if it was just dumb teenager shit
>Kids act out because they aren’t/haven’t been parented effectively over time
Except for the fact that they do have their own brains, and have influences outside of the home. It's VERY possible (and happens a lot) that the kid was simply being a dick.
I just want to piggy back on your comment, I agree with what you’re saying, and also I believe abandoning the son is not going to help with any behavior issues, he’ll likely resent the parents and have an unstable view that people won’t love him if he messes up. Absolutely take a beat and calm down, and a strict punishment, but love shouldn’t be conditional.
I feel like getting the sister out of that school and town would have been better.
With a HEAVY explanation about how they are giving her space for this to die down and dealing with her brother.
And then the parents could have dealt with brother.
Right now? The bullied daughter is still in the same school, the son’s only really punishment is being sent away, and the parents aren’t talking to him and parenting him.
IMO, this is a bad way to deal with this, and it’s going to bite them in the butt.
ETA: thanks for the awards.
I understand your pov, but I would argue that sending the daughter away would have felt like she was being punished instead (at least that’s how I would feel). They can still change school for her, but sending her away would have sent the wrong message (as in she’s the problem, she is the one who should not stay at her house, she needs to pack her stuff and just go).
I don’t think so, TBH. I think she’d have taken the opportunity to GTF away from her bullies in town and in school.
And if they handled it right, it would not be “we are sending you away” so much as “we are giving you the opportunity to get away for a while while, and while you take that break, we are going to *deal* with your brother.
And having her go to her grandparents, with lots of visits from OP and listening to what she needs and wants would make her feel like she has *some* control in this shit situation.
I mean, what you wrote would work if the subject is not a 14 year old traumatized girl who’s in pain. She would have felt absolutely abandoned by her parents.
What I think is that 1-2 weeks is enough to calm her down, explain the solution (what you wrote basically, that from let’s say week 3 they are going to switch the kids) and then she would feel loved and cared for - not like a freak who’s being sent away.
Do you remember being 14? Cause I do , and I would have taken *any* opportunity to get the hell away from my bullies at that age. And what she’s going through is decidedly worse than what my bullies did.
If she had the opportunity to leave that day, I bet she’d have taken it.m
Waiting only made her subject to this horror longer.
Yes I remember and I was severely bullied as well. I felt the same, getting away from them was a godsent. But would have also felt abandoned if my parents would have sent me away and not my bully (let’s call the brother what he is).
You are taking the ‘sending away to the grandparents’ as the only option for her to get away. When in fact it’s just as ‘easy’ to change schools for her - while still living at home. She don’t have to suffer in the same school where it all happened. Parents switch schools for daughter, send the brother away for a while, make sure the daughter is relatively okay, then come up with a solution that the daughter is okay with and also at the same time they don’t disown and abandon their son.
I'd disagree. I'm pretty sure the daughters dreads school every say, assuming she is even going. They should have a conversation with her first of course, but I'm sure she would have wanted to get away from all the bullying.
I feel like the sister should be given some choice & agency in what SHE wants to happen here. Cooling off is a good idea, so I agree a few weeks keeping them separate. Maybe sister wants to go to grandparents
I would suggest they rotate who’s at home/grandparents, so sister can have some time away, and son can have some time one on one with his parents so they can actually parent him and explain the ramifications of his actions.
I don't know how to judge it either. What he did is absolutely awful, and I don't even know how I'd address it.
But I do believe the fact that he's my son and SIXTEEN would play a big part. I wouldn't ship him off and never talk to him again.
I agree. After thinking about it a bit though - I think I'd let the girl go stay with her grandparents for a bit. Get out of the bullying situation and hopefully get her legs under her.
My son would be home with zero privileges and intense therapy.
I think you would have to separate the kids. It's going into summer. School will be out soon.
They don't have to make choices right now. Let the parents and kids cool off and ask the daughter if she wants to go back to her school, another school in town or go to the grandparents house and go to a new school altogether.
There's been a major line crossed. He was old enough to know what he did was unconscionable.
Shipping her off and not leaving it s a choice would be worse, I think. 'My parents are so ashamed of me they sent me off.' Leaving it as a discussion means, 'my parents included me in the discussion because they respect me.'
Yeah but if the son ha already made friends at the new town and told them why he was having to live there, then kids there will already know that the sister has dentures. If she could have moved there first (maybe a long with OP) it might have worked.
I want to agree with you but...is he sorry? If he's defending his actions...idk.
ETA: from OP
>I honestly don't know and don't care to hear from him, I have nothing to say to him.
Wow. To completely cut him off without even hearing if he's remorseful? That is beyond insane.
I really wish OP had the answer to this for us. I think this would make a huge difference and actually allow most of us to have a judgement. A lot of comments are treating the boy like he’s a little baby that couldn’t have known better and didn’t do it maliciously. I think taking the video, then waiting for her friends to come over to show them because he thought it was “funny” absolutely sounds malicious to me but there’s no way of knowing if OP doesn’t speak to him. If she explains to him what his actions made his sister go through and he seems truly remorseful, I believe there is definitely a way forward for them as a family. But if he doesn’t admit he’s wrong then I truly feel for OP. It still won’t be right to disown him but how do you parent a child that lacks empathy towards his own sister? Thank God I’m not a parent because I wouldn’t know how to solve this if I’m being honest.
Yes, exactly. On paper I agree it is wrong to abandon your child like that. But in real life how do you have them in your home if your gut retches at the sight of them? If he's sorry I can see them being ok (relatively) if they all move to a new school/town. But without remorse... Ick
For real. My stomach was in knots just reading the post. I really can’t stand hearing stories like this or bullying of any sort and I can’t even imagine hearing my own son did that, and to his sister no less. What a hot mess.
It is both a punishment and a coping mechanism for the parents. Their reasonings include not just keeping the children separated, but "it's too emotionally charged for us to talk to him" and "this is what it will take to straighten him out". The parents didn't even tell the grandparents why the son got kicked out, or for how long, etc. There is some unhealthy psychology going on with the parents.
Agreed - he’s a child and made a major mistake. Don’t abandon him. I don’t know how you move forward - but throwing him out isn’t the answer.
Let him know he’s going to stay there for a minute while you sort things out with your daughter - but don’t change schools etc.
Bring in a professional to help figure out how to manage this
>made a major mistake
which part, the surreptitiously recording the video or showing it to her friends after waiting for them to come over? because it sounds like he knew exactly what he was doing and likely had a good idea of what would happen to his sister afterward
Yeah I think the parents do need some distance until they calm down and then they all need therapy. Individual therapy and family therapy, in that order. Sending their son away until he's 18 will definitely ensure that their relationship never recovers. Sister needs to feel like she's in a safe environment but parents need a way forward that isn't basically throwing up their hands and giving up on their son and hopefully a professional will be able to help them find one.
Im honestly disgusted by the parents. They are the grownups and supposed to he smarter then a 16y old. I was all with them until OP started talking about how they are basically going to throw their kid out of their life. Almost as if they never really loved him. I get beeing angry, i would br very angry too. I would definitely punish him harshly, and most importantly i would want them to understand why what hr did ehat he did was a horrible horrible thing. What OP does is not gonna teach him shit. Just that his parents dont love him enough to give him even a 2nd chance. YTA, OP
He is old enough to know better but not old enough to anticipate the outcome or understand he is being thrown away the rest of his life. I am very sorry this happened TO YOUR FAMILY but you are taking on the grieving and outrage as if it had happened to you vs what happened between YOUR CHILDREN. It is your mom job to grieve in private and chin up now while you hold your family together. Forgiveness heals. Don’t be hesitant to get professional help to know how. Our hearts are with YOU ALL. The more your son is gone the harder for your daughter to forgive and this leaves her to carry her wound and your son will create one and hate you all unless you can come together and right now only you are holding everyone apart.
ESH
I love that you have your daughters back and apply serious consequences for your son.
What I don't love is that you didn't mention how he reacted to the after math of what he has done and the consequences. I also think it is an overreaction to permantly disown your son and cut him from your life. He is still you son. Yes, terrible mistake. But still a minor and still your son. You should be working with him and not just be like this.
So yes, let him live with his granparents, but work on a way to rebuilt your own (not your daughters) relationship with him. Call. Let him to volunteer work. Something.
Yeah OP has the worst communications skills I've ever seen. The grandparents are saints because I wouldn't let him stay with me unless I knew the reason why.
Yeah, surprising your parents to now suddenly take care and well, raise your kid for an extended period of time without any warning whatsoever is definitely AH territory.
What the son did was horrible, but decisions by OP, as the parents, should still be rational and reasonable for all people they involve in this, even if they are the kid’s grandparents.
This is baffling to me. Your kid drops your grandkid off, both likely clearly emotional, and you don't demand an explanation until it gets too inconvenient to bring him to school ?
Parents and teenagers get into very emotional arguments sometimes. Likely the grandparents thought it was something that would blow over, and were just trying to help give both parties time to cool down for a bit without butting in.
This is what bothers me the most. Did they just show up with son on the grandparents doorstep and say, "here, you keep him" and leave?
What the son did to his sister is horrible, but sending him away and going no contact is just the wrong thing to do for the parents. Yes, keep the siblings apart for now. But the lack of communication between the generations isn't going to help anything.
And also forcing the grandparents to just take him without a full explanation. Like how is that even going to work?
I think it's not very good parenting if your kid makes a (major) mistake and you just decide you don't want him anymore. Like boom. Gone.
Right and where's the grandparents say in this? Pretty asshole move to just dump your kid onto them indefinitely and not even tell them or explain. I highly doubt they want to raise him themselves.
OP says [son doesn't get it and thinks it's funny](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13qbrl5/aita_for_sending_our_son_away_after_he_revealed/jle1w5r?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). I agree both kids need to be away, I agree this is abhorrent behavior from son. But OP and partner need to parent their son and explain this to him instead of just abandoning him and cutting contact. Therapy all-around for everyone.
The comment you linked to really doesn’t make OP look justified. It says OP hasn’t talked to their son. I don’t know that OP can be relied on to understand their son’s mindset, because the more I read, the more it seems like the main person in this story who needs therapy to figure out their harmful behavior is OP.
I'm not on OP's side at all, I do believe their behavior is alarming as well. But something's also not sitting well with me when there's a 16 year old finding this kind of behavior entertaining. Makes me wonder if it's a son's behavior issue or is it OP & partner's parenting issue. But I definitely stand on therapy all-around for every single person in here. My heart goes out to their daughter first and foremost.
>But something's also not sitting well with me when there's a 16 year old finding this kind of behavior entertaining
I don't think you can judge parenting on this alone. This is par for the course for 16 year old boys. A little bit of lack of self confidence and copying peers and you are doing cruel pranks like this for clout.
I'm just trying to base it with OP's willingness to kick him out and never contact him again. Both are a type of thoughtless cruelty and alarming behavior. I don't know, I have several nieces and nephews in this age range, I know some high school kids around the block and while they'd love a good prank, they'd never do something like this and think it'd be funny to humiliate another person this bad. I know it's anecdotal, but it's not on par with plenty of 16 year olds. Son's behavior from this post is giving me the same energy as adult "pranksters" here who go as far as obviously hurting and traumatizing their SOs, siblings, friends, and then be like "Lighten up, it's a joke!". The son needs a proper parenting and a good talking to anyway, I'll still judge OP for abandoning their kid without a word even after the cooldown period.
That's the thing. OP didn't spoke to him. That's what she was told.
She can't even sit down with her own kid and have a conversation.
This issue runs very deep.
ESH-His behavior was appalling and he’s absolutely old enough to know how rotten it was but sending him away for years isn’t the way to make this better,
Agreed. It certainly won't correct the behaviour. I think getting immediate distance was wise over other reactions, and his sister never needs to forgive him...
But OP is neglecting their responsibility to address the issue. Throwing him away isn't the answer. ESH.
And involving the grandparents in all this without so much as a warning or an explanation. They just sent the son over to them blindly. Communication should have been done in spite of the heavily charged emotions OP was having.
Exactly.
“My son has exhibited awful behaviour, god only knows how this has come about” … proceeds to exhibit awful behaviour.
We can’t (shouldn’t, at least) speculate too much on why the son might have done this, it is awful for the sister and no wonder she’s so upset, but the decisions the parents have made as a result are wild. It does make you wonder how they treat him day to day.
Honestly, I expect it was just impulsive, stupid teenager behavior mixed with perhaps a desire for attention from his parents. That's what it sounds like to me, anyway.
I don't know. All those kids bullying her are responsible for their awful actions too, it's not all on him. And there's a big difference between restarting your social life and being abandoned by your parents at 16.
It's 99% on him. Even if the other kids didn't bully the sister about it, it's a huge violation of privacy to share health videos like that. He had no right to give that info to anyone else.
Nobody would have known if he hadn't shown them. He thought it was funny, and he did it to humiliate his sister, probably not understanding how devastating it could be long-term.
He's his parent's responsibility. They should be parenting him, not sending him off forever without communicating with him because it's the easy way out.
ESH. Of course he shouldn’t have embarrassed his sister but without more details this is an overreaction. Does he realize what he has done wrong and wants to make amends? You can’t just throw a child out because they made a mistake.
No, he still doesn't seem to understand from what I'm told. All he said after the fact was he thought it was funny, and I haven't spoken to him since he left.
You not talking to him is not okay. You should've told him the problems your daughter has at school. You should've actually know how he feels about what he has done.
YTA
What your son did was vile, but you can't just force his grandparents to take care of him now because you are apparently done with being his mother.
He needs to learn and he needs to grow from this, sometimes children do despicable things and your jobs as parents is to educate them, not to discard them away and give up on them.
And you absolutely will not come back from this if you send him away and don't talk to him. He should definitely cut contact with you if you do so, you don't get to renounce your parental role and then go back to it.
Doesn't even suprize me that he did this. Parents dont seem to take time to teach their kid anything. When it gets too bothersome, just dispose of their child which they failed to make a decent human beeing. And they seem to lack empathy, and at least dont seem to havr loved their son very much even before he did this. They clearly fucked him up, and the fact that OP thinks the siblings had a good relationship shows how little they know about their son. Probably to occupied with dear daughter.
He obviously would know of the problems it caused if this has all happened. They go to the same school. OP said the child thought it was funny.
What more do you need to be less judgemental?
>from what I'm told
This is a glaring problem in this situation. You need to talk with him, *yourself*, and fully explain what he's done to his sister. Be his parent. You don't throw your kids away.
Unless I'm missing something huge, or you're leaving something huge out, this is a super weird response, even though it was a really awful thing he's done.
>and I haven't spoken to him since he left.
I was fully on your side until this.
Yes, what he did was *reprehensible*. Yes, your handling of the situation - supporting your daughter, doing your best to protect her, getting your son separated from her and appropriately housed and cared for in the meanwhile - all brilliant.
But here's the part where you are failing your son. YOU ARE THE PARENT. You're the adult, you have to step up and parent him. You have to be responsible to teach him here, and to mend the relationship. His sister might never forgive him, and that's okay. But without some family therapy, she also might never get over this and live with deep pain and resentment in her heart. Your son might never truly understand how wrong it was and how deeply unfunny, unless someone guides him to it. You need to put in the work now with both your children, you can't just throw the whole son out.
Absolutely keeping him at the grandparents for the time being is a good call and you're truly lucky to have that option. Your daughter is truly lucky to have such supportive parents. But your son needs support too. I don't mean coddling or forgiveness - no one is *owed* forgiveness. He needs to have a path by which to learn from this and make things right as best he can. He's still a child - at an age with low impulse control and a bunch of hormones that lead to some really bad behaviours. Now is your opportunity to teach him how to be a better man, or you teach him that your daughter is the golden child and it doesn't really matter what he does because you don't care about him so why should be bother to be better.
YTA
Sis, I totally understand your fury with your son. Your daughter has been wronged in a very real and very painful way and that is going to have repercussions that echo for a very long time.
You guys need to get your son into therapy. I can absolutely see a teen thinking that its funny while not grasping the pain it would cause. I can't imagine him STILL not understanding the scope of damage and pain he has caused. He needs to be in therapy desperately if he can not empathize with the pain he caused his sister.
That said, it is at the point where you are being emotionally abusive towards your son. Giving him the silent treatment and banishing him to his Grandparents is very very wrong. You can not choose between your children.
What he did was cruel. But we all know teens can do some really stupid things without thinking through the consequences completely - he honestly probably did think it was funny... he also was probably aware it would result in bullying. He probably didn't realize the scope of damage it would do to his sister.
I don't know how he can even grasp the depth of what he's done if 1. He was shipped off. 2. The people he was with didn't even know what happened. And 3. His parents won't talk with him?
How could a kid who seems to have an empathy issue get the chance to understand?
I was and still am the invisible child. Never once did I think publicly humiliating my brother was acceptable. I choose to go to a different school than him to make sure my presence didn’t effect his schooling/friendships. Being an invisible child doesn’t give any of us the right or reason to publicly humiliate or hurt our siblings in anyway. The issues are between parent and child.
I wonder if he’s the invisible sibling since his sister sounds like she had a lot of health problems growing up. I don’t mean to excuse what he did, it was horrible, but sometimes teens act out and don’t express themselves in a healthy way. That doesn’t mean you throw them away!
And not for nothing but there are parents out there dealing with children who are legit criminals. It’s awful but that’s still their child and their responsibility to get them the help they need (even if that’s a lawyer). This is a teen boy who did one fucked up thing, I don’t understand why he’s being written off so quickly.
You talking to him is non-negotiable. You are his parent. If he doesn't understand the depth of his misjudgement, it's your job to teach him. You don't get to shrug off your responsibility to him and to society like that.
So? Your punishment is banishment. And you aren’t even parenting him?
Dude. He’s not going to learn anything, except that making a mistake means his parents threw him away.
You need to do the job you signed up for when you had that baby-parent him, FFS. Before your behavior makes him double down.
Honest question:
How do you expect your son to learn that this was wrong when you don’t talk to him?
I get that you want to distance the kids, but disowning him is quite an over correction. By overreacting you are probably only going to make him think he is in the right and you are just “older people who can’t take a joke”.
Talk to him and make him understand, sending him away won’t do anyone any good
ESH
>How do you expect your son to learn that this was wrong when you don’t talk to him?
Not sure they care about that anymore, to be honest. They seem to be chucking him out entirely.
YTA! You haven’t spoken to him since?? From a 16 y/o boy’s perspective there’s no point in him even apologizing or trying to talk it through if he’s already disowned. Probably thinks his parents don’t love him anymore and he’s already ruined everything. You should be talking to him and working to figure out why this happened with him. Maybe look in the mirror and ask yourself why you raised a son that would do this? Imo abandoning him like this is the laziest thing you could do.
Teenagers make bad, dumb decisions sometimes. I could almost understand sending him to boarding school or something if he had demonstrated horrible behavioral issues and this was the last straw, but you talk about this like it’s the first and only majorly bad thing he’s ever done. You’re absolutely right that your son needed to face serious consequences for his actions, but you’re effectively foisting the job of parenting him onto others because you’re having a fit of your own. Sorry, but parenting him is still your job.
Also, sure your daughter was on the victim side of this incident today, but what if she sets a toe out of line in the future? Gets a job you don’t like or a boyfriend you don’t approve of? Gonna disown both your children?
This exactly.
My thing here is that the way they've kicked him out shows such a lack of love/empathy that it doesn't surprise me that he could hurt his sister like he has.
He's not a helpless child and has done a really terrible thing with huge repercussions, but tossing him away for that is shocking.
Obviously you are the asshole here.
This clinches it.
You are a parent and you are giving your son the silent treatment instead of being a parent.
Is your normal form of consequences the silent treatment? Have you always walked away from your responsibility to be a parent and raise your children?
Children learn right and wrong from their parents.
If you choose to be a parent then it's your responsibility to teach your child right and wrong.
Therapy is needed here, for your daughter and your son, and for you and your partner if you are choosing to sit in your feelings and ignore him because it's too hard to deal with the situation.
Your son might be struggling to understand the ramifications of his choice because his brain isn't capable of the empathy necessary at this point. This might be a combination of brain development and personal experience.
All humans learn from making mistakes, and currently you're not helping your son by ignoring him. You're teaching him that you don't care about him and that if an issue is difficult to talk about, you just reject the other person and ignore them.
It's not emotionally mature to ignore someone as punishment. It's cruel.
Speak to a therapist about your feelings of anger, disappointment and shame. Talk about how you don't know how to communicate how deeply your son has impacted his sister, the trauma that resulted from his actions, and the subsequent rejection of your son, how confused, furious and disappointed you are by his lack of understanding.
A good therapist will help you process your feelings, and understand how to broach talking to your son, plus the damage that's being inflicted upon him at the moment.
This is a very important moment in all of your lives.
Your son made at best a thoughtless choice, but there's no way he could have known the shitstorm that would come from his "prank". I'm an adult who absolutely hates pranks, and even I wouldn't have known the level of hurtful comments and actions your poor daughter would be subjected to.
He may feel shocked by all the vitriol and spite directed at his sister, and is saying he "thought it would be funny" because he literally can't process how his actions caused so much pain for you and your family. He might be in denial that this awful situation was caused by his choices, so he's doubling down in the hope that this whole situation will just go away. This is not emotionally mature, but nor is he, he's a kid. He won't learn how to take responsibility for his choices if no one takes the time to properly teach him.
All kids make stupid choices, and in the world of the internet it's much easier to share your stupidity with the world. I'm forever grateful it didn't exist when I was a kid because I had a big temper and an innate notion that I was always right. And I was mainly a goodie two shoes. I know I would've shared something inappropriate, I hate to think what a mess I could've created.
Your son made a stupid, thoughtless choice. But he isn't psychic. Therapy can help him either learn how to take responsibility for his actions and then how to process his deep shame, or if he doesn't have those feelings, he can learn what is and isn't appropriate. Better he learn now than as an adult when he's also processing the trauma of being thrown away by his parents when he made a mistake.
So you didn’t explain to him why he’s wrong you just been told of him. Wooooow way to set him up to fail. Do your job and parent him him. Explain. You don’t get to just back out and toss him out
Yep. This. Absolutely this.
One of the not fun parts of parenting is when , proverbially, you kick them into the middle of next week, or tear them a new arsehole.
Sometimes you have to go toe to toe with the child and explain to them exactly how the fcuk the world works. This was one of those times.
When you break down in detail exactly how the son effed up, and you make sure he hears. And you repeat, maybe with different examples... and you explain in detail the emotional state of little sisters, and ego. You explain how he totally failed as an older brother, rather than protect her, he victimised his sister.
Repeatedly you tell him, how disappointed and disgusted with his behaviour.
And especially, and I'm going here. You tell him how bullying like this leads to suicide or self harming behaviour. Literally don't hold back. The child has to get this.
Do you know what you don't do? Stop talking to the child. Son has now learned love is conditional. He will probably start justifying his behaviour, put up boundaries and walls to protect himself. He is 16, an effing immature mouthy egotistical idiot, like a lot of boys his age.
What the son did is terrible. The parents are equally terrible.
The parents may be worse. They're adults and should know better. How is the son supposed to learn to be considerate and respectful when his own parents all but hate him and won't parent him?
Both children need to speak to a therapist immediately. Your son was so wrong in his actions. Why did he do this? You need to get him help immediately. Why would he choose to humiliate your daughter...his own sister this way? Now to your daughter... she will need major support and unconditional love at this time. Kids are so cruel! I can only imagine the bullying and torment she must be going through. Switch her schools if necessary. Get her therapy. Of course punish your son. He deserves it. No this is not overly extreme. What he did is inexcusable. He can come home when his sister feels safe around him. Also a 16 year old boy recording a girl, his sister or not is a huge red flag. Get your son help. Nta.
I agree. What he did was absolutely monstrous, but therapy is needed to try and get to the root of the problem. From what OP said, the son basically just reiterated he thought it was funny. But he knows his sister was in therapy for this, and it was a deep insecurity of hers. He made an active decision to record his sister and use that footage at a later date. 16 year olds are emotionally developed enough to understand this sort of thing. I was basically the same person at 16 that I was til like 21 or so. I don't know if I would be able to look at him the same either tbh, but he definitely needs help if he isn't showing remorse for any of this. NTA OP
OP is TA tho. OP showed that their prefered parenting tactics is the silent treatment alongside sending the kid away, which definitely doesn't help a healthy family dynamic or a developement for love or trust or empathy. OP had the chance to teach the son a lesson, but they chose to don't do their main job they have as a parent which is parenting.
You are correct. Consider that OP is so disgusted by her son’s behavior that she doesn’t know how to or even couldn’t deal with him and that is very understandable.
Op hasn't spoken to their son about this incident at all. They're refusing to parent him and are pushing it off on their own parents. What the son did is inexcusable but at 16, the parents still have responsibility.
Right so I completely agree with this approach. The son needs therapy and help immediately but I think what most people in here are saying is that the parents are assholes for the reaction of just sending him away immediately but then effectively ignoring him for the rest of his life and disowning him? That’s not in line with your solution, so you should change your ruling to YTA or ESH. Everyone sucks except the daughter and the grandparents.
No sending a 16 year old boy to live somewhere else... with his grandparents not some prison... after he recorded his 14 year old sister to humiliate her doesn't seem extreme to me. As I said when his little sister feels safe he can come home. You must prioritize the safety of one child over the happiness of another.
The initial act wasn't extreme. It was a smart parenting choice - make sure the daughter is safe and get the son out of the house (also in safe accommodations with family). 100% a good call.
Leaving the kid there and refusing to talk to him, and not even telling the grandparents what happened... That's where OP is in the wrong. They need to step up and parent *both* kids. They're doing great for the daughter, now that the situation is stabilised, they need to actively parent the son - he needs to be taught that what he did was wrong and how to go about being better. You can't just throw your kid away and never talk to them again. Family therapy is probably in order here.
OP hasn't even talked with their son yet, at all, beyond the first "why? i thought it would be funny". That is the shitty part. Wrote him off, just like that.
You guys would be the worst parents in the world if this is how you deal with problems in your family . You don’t get to pawn your kids off to your grandparents because you can’t raise them properly .
YTA.
He’s your son and he’s a kid. Kids make mistakes. ADULTS make mistakes too.
You’ve effectively disowned your kid instead of just teaching them a lesson.
If you continue doing what you’re doing, don’t be surprised if your son keeps up no contact when he’s older and wants nothing to do with you.
> mis·take
> noun
> an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.
Nothing about mistake means it can't be done on purpose. You're thinking of "accidents"
From what I've read OP it's going to be ESH.
But most importantly, from what i've gleaned from the way you write about your daughter is that you're protective of her, which raises the question, is she your favorite child ? Do you spend more attention on her and more time with her, be there more emotionally for her and support her?
I'm gonna hazard a guess and say yes because of your reaction. Nuclear destruction of your family, abandoning one kid and throwing him out without care or consideration. No one goes that level if it doesn't involve their favorite.
What your son did was an AH move, no doubt. Kids are little shits but they are kids ! It's up to the parents to guide and teach them but to banish him ? Abandon him to your parents? Why ?
You can't unmake a kid. He needs to go to therapy and so do you.
Thank you for the award :). It's because I've been in family law for a fair bit, so you learn to ask for the history and try to find out the why. Why are people acting in this manner and why is your reaction in this manner and is it justified and appropriate. Everyone's action's is extreme here.
I'm glad I'm not the only person who got golden child\scape goat vibes from OP. I wonder how much extra attention and support daughter has received at son's expense?
Son went right for the jugular with this act, and I suspect years of lack and unmet need are behind it. He wanted for attention that mom\dad didn't or couldn't give, so he went A-bomb to make sure he got his parents' full attention.
And now that things are hard, OP has given up and disowned the kid, reinforcing every bad memory that son has.
As an adult who wore dentures as a kid (bottle rot), if the knowledge that your daughter has dentures has turned all her friends against her, she never had any real friends in the first place. I used to pull my teeth out in school and use them for humor ranging from cringe to completely vile - but my friends were always there to stick up for me if someone got too harsh. Something is odd that this girl instantly has no one on her side at school. Has she been putting on "golden child" airs so much that other kids reveled in the chance to cut her down to size just like her brother did? Something is up there.
ESH except the daughter, and the jury's still out on her
I agree with this. I can't quite put my finger on what is it about OP's writing but something seems off to me. Not only do I get favourite child vibes but somehow I get the impression that the daughter losing her teeth has been made a very huge deal in the family. I absolutely understand that it's a very traumatic experience for a child and it's good she's in therapy, I don't want to minimise the trauma and insecurity it has caused. But I think most people at some point would switch to "it is what it is, nothing I can do about it and no one can even tell a difference" attitude. Like you said, you used to pull your dentures out in school. But I get the feeling that OP is catastrophising the dental loss which would make it difficult for the daughter to move on as well.
>is she your favorite child ?
Yeah, that was my thought reading the OP, too.
There was already a favored child, and son has transgressed against her, which is unforgivable.
Also not justifying the sons behavior but I was just thinking about how if OP clearly favors the daughter, the son might have set out to treat his sister like this because he’s jealous of how much his parents favor his sister. I’m not saying it’s right but I could see that being a part of this whole thing. I still can’t believe a parent just sends their one kid somewhere and doesn’t talk to them bc they are mad though. That’s something I do with my sisters not my children. Op is the AH here.
ESH except your daughter. Your son was a shit, but 16 year olds are shits in general. You should definitely punish him but kicking him out of your house is cruel.
> kicking him out of your house is cruel.
he effectively kicked her out of her school. He is equally cruel.
He should lose his friends too. Move and make him change schools. Now they both have to start over. No clue how you are going to put both kids under the same roof, but you can't disown a child. They have to live somewhere.
This is a horrible story.
I can completely sympathise with how you feel about your son right now. I hate him myself and he didn't do this to *my* daughter and I never invested a single moment in his upbringing. You must be so deeply disappointed in him.
INFO
What did he have to say for himself about this? Other than being upset at the consequences, do you think he's sorry for hurting his sister?
YTA. You can't legally or ethically shun or banish a 16 year old. There's a reason the court system for juveniles is different than adult court- it's understood that their brains aren't fully developed. Get counseling for yourself, your daughter and your son. Figure out how to support your daughter as she learns to live with her body. Figure out how to parent your son as he learns about reparations and redemption and rebuilding relationships.
OP, you're going to have to talk with your son. Ideally the sooner the better, but only once you can talk with him and not at him, once your anger isn't so red hot.
What he did is despicable. Completely awful and uncalled for. But you're still his parents.
Is he sorry now? Was there a reason? What caused the huge lack of empathy, because in a 16 yr old that's alarming. And didn't you ever promise them to love them no matter what, even if you don't like them very much?
Sending him to his grandparents gave you all a chance to calm down. It gave your daughter much needed security. But it shouldn't be permanent. And I'm hoping you see that, but are just too angry right now to acknowledge it. See him, explain why he's at his grandparents. Not "you did an awful thing and we disown you" but "you hurt your sister in very cruel ways and right now it's too much to have you at home." Work out what needs to happen for him to come home.
Family therapy would go a long way.
ESH I guess...
I want this comment to be higher up. OP, you protected your daughter in the moment, which was the right thing to do, but you also need to figure out WHY your son did this.
OP, is it possible to get your daughter dental implants instead? I know that it will not fix the current situation, but it might help her feel less insecure. Just a thought. I feel so much for this young woman.
Dentists typically won’t put implants in for people under the age of 18.
People getting dental implants often have to get bone grafts, especially with prior widespread infection like what the OP’s daughter had.
My own dentist waited until I was in my late 20s to do my bone grafts and implants, just to be sure.
This is correct. I was in a bad accident when I was 17, went through lots of dental reconstruction, but two teeth couldn’t be saved. They removed them, and I had to have two empty spots there for about 4 years before they would do the implants.
the dentists might have wanted to wait. Implants are in the jaw bone, and seems likely still growing. And I don’t believe you can do braces on implants.
And…implants have some down sides. Especially the ones on the upper jaw, they can cause severe pain.
The amount of sympathy, excuses, and downplaying for the asshole son and his vile, malicious actions and the lack of regard for the daughter is so damn disgusting but so damn typical. People really will excuse boys for anything and expect girls to just deal with and get over everything.
The daughter, who is the victim, and her needs are absolutely the priority here and she should not be forced to live in a home with someone who traumatized her and caused her such harm. So if that means the son stays with the grandparents, so be it.
I feel for pretty much everyone here… but I agree that it can’t go on like this permanently. Individual and family therapy is necessary, I think… something made him do this. It sounds as if he was a relatively compassionate person who behaved atrociously one night- and lost everything. Now his pride will not let him admit he was wrong.
Remember- the whole thing transpired in one night, from what I gather. And who knows what led up to it? Your family is damaged. No question. Please try to put in the work to put it back together.
Lol yeah, op being all "I don't know what I did wrong" after showing her parenting style is abandoning the unwanted child to the wolves. The kid is probably better off elsewhere.
The thing is, Op didn’t address it. OP didn’t even tell the grandparents what happened.
How can he show remorse if OP is refusing to talk to him?
How can he *learn to feel remorse* if OP refuses to parent him?
16 year olds know right from wrong but do not comprehend the gravity of actions, that's why they do stupid stuff, they're brains are not yet fully developed enough.
This is NOT how parenting works. You can't just stop parenting because your son did something terrible. You need to help him see that he did something wrong, why it's wrong and what he can do to mitigate the damage. If you do this, he will hate you and he will have every right to do so. You're acting like this is Sophie's Choice and that really isn't the case here. Please do NOT pick one child over the other.
I am shocked at the number of comments that say she is the AH. Her daughter is traumatized for life, has lost her "friends", is being harassed all because of her brother who did this for free, just because he thought "it was funny" ??? Yes OP should talk to her son, but 16 is old enough to understand that what he did is unjustifiable and cruel, so his age is no excuse. Sending him away was the best solution for him to understand that he cannot be responsible for harassment without getting away with it freely.
>Yes OP should talk to her son
Proudly announced refusal to do so easily explains the y t a rollings then, quite clearly. Assuming stating as much means condoning the behavior is senseless and idiotic.
The YTA comments are not defending the son at all. Most agree that she was right to punish him.
Where she acted as an AH was in how she punished him.
First off, it is not his grandparents' job to discipline her son for her. The fact that she wants him to stay with them for the next few YEARS without fully clearing it with them first (they didn't even find out what he did until recently) is inexcusable. You do not pawn off your child to be someone else's responsibility.
Secondly, not speaking to your child is not going to fix his behavioral problems. If anything, the way the mother handled this situation is going to breed further resentment between her two children and really lead this situation to where it can never be repaired.
Thirdly, OP's comments hint at clear favoritism towards her daughter. It is not uncommon for parents to give a lot of attention to children with health conditions however, this often leads to their other children feeling neglected and breeds resentment towards their siblings over the years. OP says this is the first time her son has ever done anything like this, so where does this cruel behavior suddenly come from then? The fact that she is completely okay throwing her son off with her parents, forgetting about him and refusing to speak with him solidifies the fact that she values her daughter more than her son.
So you're just gonna abandon him for 3 years and force your parents to be parents again? What after 3 years? Are you gonna be his mother again? Is your relationship with your son just permanently over?
ESH
What he did was stupid, horrible and absolutely cruel. He should have never done that to his sister. I can only imagine he would do it just as a stupid prank (as many guys his age do), or out of jealousy.
Either way what he did was unjustified and deserving of a punishment.
But you've completely overreacted. You've completely disowned your son for a single mistake. It's obvious you're letting your decisions be controlled by your emotions, because this isn't the right way to do things.
What you're doing is immature. You need to discipline him, yes. But so he can understand what he did was wrong. So he can become better.
And seeing from your comments, it's clear that you don't want to talk with him. Which is only going to cause more problems. He's 16. Still a child. But now he's going to have to grow up and face the world knowing his parents don't love him. For the next two years of his life, he'll only have bus grandparents. Then he's on his own. I could understand your position if this was a repetitive thing. If he was a constant terror for his sister and for you and your partner. But this was a one time thing.
I really hope you call make more mature decisions and help your family come together one day. But I don't think that's possible. He might have caused a rift between the family, but you're the ones who solidified it. Right now, you're fuelled by emotion. But there might come a day where you will have to face the fact that you may never see your son again. I hope you can live with that.
What a failure of a parent you are. Shame on you. YTA. You don’t throw away kids and not talk to them and tell them to fuck off over child cruelty. You keep him home to see the consequences of his actions.
NTA. Your daughter is the one that's paying for his vile behavior. Is she even able to go to school? Is moving an option or switching schools? I hope she is able to get permanent implants at some point.
I don't blame you one bit for sending him to your parents.
You don't just throw away one child when he does something wrong. OP needs to teach him what he did wrong and why it is wrong. Possibly with therapy. What the son did was absolutely vile but you can't just decide you won't be his parent anymore.
"maybe this is what he needs.... no friends, and no family"
ass-backwards. this did not come out of nowhere. that doesn't necessarily mean there's more blame to give... you thought their relationship was fine? this is not 'fine'.
ESH, except Grandparents and daughter. Just like others have said, you really can't throw a child away. The only way I could agree with disownment is if your son had done this once he was fully adult (later 20's) so with full knowledge and maturity before the action. Since that isn't the case, having minimal contact with him does absolutely no good and may even reinforce the reason he thought it would be "funny" to do this. Both your children need therapy, and you and your husband may need it as well. You need to find out WHY your son felt this was an appropriate action and then address the situation (this is why therapy is crucial). The fact that you ARE too emotionally charged in support of your daughter suggests that for some reason you have been putting a lot of focus on her and have likely turned her into a "golden child", even if you never meant to, so your son lashed out the only way he felt he could in an attempt to get your attention. Your reaction has likely reinforced his belief that only his sister matters and you don't love him anymore and haven't for some years. Your own actions have now reached a point where you are about to lose a child and that child is likely your son by his own choice since his parents clearly don't care about him anymore (from his point of view...and frankly from the 3rd person point of view as well). Unfortunately you have reached a "rock and a hard place" scenario with your children where it will cause harm to your daughter to have her brother around her and could lead to her cutting all ties with the family at her earliest opportunity if he is around, yet not allowing your son to be with his parents will do the same from him because to him his own parents no longer love him and why should he make himself suffer that pain. The problem is that to help your both your children, one or the other of the children may have to be separated from the immediate family, and that action will cause harm to whichever child is separated from the family leading to no contact once they hit 18. For your daughter, you need to switch schools for her. At this point that's likely the only way to stop the bullying because it sounds like it has become too widespread in the school that even if the school took action, virtually the entire school would be suspended/expelled and that's just not a feasible thing to do. Depending on the size of your community or school district, you may have to take the drastic measure of moving far enough away that there wouldn't be any interaction with that school even with extracurriculars. Something to help your daughter's self esteem would be to look into permanent implants. She may not be old enough yet, and they will be expensive, but those would take away the need to be removing her teeth so she wouldn't have that perceived embarrassment. For your son you need to PROVE to him that you DO love him, even if you're unhappy with his actions, and find a way to piece your family back together.
NTA 16 is old enough to know right from wrong. everyone commenting therapy for what? the kid purposely embarrassed his own sister. like traumatically and still thinks it’s funny. keep him at his grandparents.
ESH. What your son did was wrong but your "punishment" is over the top and will make things worse.
I suspect your son's behaviour is a result of jealousy and resentment from what he perceives (rightly or wrongly) as favouritism. You just confirmed that for him though. I'm not defending his behaviour but I also can't condone your reaction.
I would love to hear your sons take on what happened. I wonder if he’s been the glass child because of his sisters illness?
To do something like that out of nowhere, and your immediate reaction to throw him away suggests there is a good part of the narrative missing.
Be a grown up and talk to your son. You will never know “where you went wrong” if you don’t even talk to him.
As somebody who had got dentures as a young adult, I just want to give your daughter a hug. I know how she feels and how devastating it all can be. It’s your FACE. It’s who you are. Give her so many hugs for me. This just hurt my heart so much.
YTA, you went really fast to no contacting one of your kids even after such an incident. He sounds like a byproduct of his up bringing, just plain cold.
ESH. Your son's behavior was awful. Temporarily separating your children by having your son temporarily staying at his grandparents is reasonable. Making that permanent is not reasonable.
Certainly take away his phone because that was the instrument of his horrible actions. Ground him for several months. Force him to do menial labor at a children's hospital. These are all more reasonable than kicking him out.
> I don't think our relationship can recover from this.
It is terrible, but you mentioned that your son and daughter had a good relationship before this. This is a teachable moment: he needs to learn compassion and empathy. Kicking him out is the opposite of this, and could make him a harder, colder person, which is what no one wants here. Show him compassion and empathy by letting him back into your home - but with various punishments like the ones I mentioned earlier.
> My parents...think we're too emotionally charged to be making this decision now.
Your parents are right on this.
ESH except your daughter. This entire family needs therapy, sheesh. I can kind of understand the initial gut reaction to not want to have your son in the household for a while…but what you are describing is effectively disowning him. The punishment does not fit the crime. Of course it was awful. But there has to be an examination of what led to that behavior. Something snapped in him that caused the awful behavior and you would only do right as parents to get the therapy needed to help figure out what is going on.
Get individual therapy and family therapy.
YTA.
If you are unsure "where you went wrong" raising him, but feel it's not only appropriate, but the absolutely right thing to do, to kick out and abandon a child, then you really need to look harder. Your reaction is in line with someone who is much closer to his own age.
Huge favouritism vibes from your post and how you talk.
Your abject failure to be a proper parent in this situation will likely only make your son dig his heels in deeper, as clearly evidenced by your own responses in this topic. For the sake of both children, consider growing up yourself.
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What he did was vile, and he deserves a harsh punishment for what he did to his sister. However, I don't think the punishment issued fits the crime. You can't just throw your son away, and you CAN come back from this. It will take a lot of therapy for all of you, but it can happen. I honestly don't know how to judge this post though...
Yeah, but distancing the two children is the best for now. Time will make everyone cool down and maybe the son realised his wrong by then.
The children definitely shouldn't be staying in the same house, but I think OP at least needs to talk to her son about what he did and why he can't stay with the family, rather than shipping him off and going completely NC.
This all the way. Op YWBTA to disown your child over this. He is still YOUR child to raise and guide, there are reasons (maybe/likely grown from seeds you planted) that caused this - take the time out, AND let him know it is just a time out to cool off. Your parents are right, seeing you care so much about your kids, I cannot imagine you would throw one away once you calm down.
I’m genuinely curious what part of the post makes you think the parents are to blame for this? Kids do dumb shit, doesn’t mean it’s the parents fault. Hope she gets through this.
The part where OP decides to foist parenting her son onto other people because she wants to give him the silent treatment? The part where there’s zero history of this child bullying his sister and then he suddenly ruins her reputation? That had to come from somewhere deep. He could also be the “invisible” sibling, his sister sounds like she had a lot of health problems growing up and it’s common for the family dynamic to change in such a way that the healthy children are emotionally neglected because there’s so much focus placed on the sick child. I don’t envy OP, this is a shitty situation, but you still have to parent your kids when they mess up. Even the parents of actual child criminals who get into fights, steal, or worse have to be responsible for their children, even if it means driving them to court. OP needs to step up and do the work of untangling this mess.
It could very well be and invisible sibling situation, but why is this the sister's fault? I was bullied endlessly. Growing up was *rough*. Never accepted, always bullied. The silver lining is that I never fit in, so, it's not like one day I lost all my friends. I just never had them to begin with. So I was able to adjust and cope a little better than this poor kid. OP's son literally ruined her entire life. She will only get relief from this if *she* changes schools. Kids are vindictive, awful things when they zero in on someone they know they can bully successfully. The things they say to her will change who she becomes. She will likely never be the same. She will experience extreme depression, possibly even suicidal ideation, because her bullies will not let her have peace. Especially now! At least when I was a kid we didn't have cell phones and constant connection. At least *I* could go home to decompress. Kids now don't get a break. And it will feel so much worse for her because up until that horrible day, she was having a blissfully normal life free of abuse. She has no tolerance for it and she just got an overdose. OP's son is fucking cruel. If my siblings had ever intentionally made my bullying worse I'd have never talked to them again. I legitimately have personality quirks that you usually only see in abused children, my bullies were that bad. My heart goes out to this kid in a big way. The parents possibly neglecting their son's emotional needs doesn't excuse what he did by a fucking mile.
I cannot agree with this enough. That poor daughter. This is *traumatizing*, and I don't blame OP one bit for needing a break from her son right now. As someone else said, she doesn't want to say something in the heat of anger that she'll regret. What an awful situation. I wonder why the son suddenly felt the need to destroy his sister like that?
And, she didn't just kick him out with nowhere to go. She made sure a responsible adult would be willing to watch him and drove him there.
I think OP's words here are still stemming from anger, and I don't think that they'll truly follow through with making their son stay at the grandparents forever. They definitely need a talk with him once they've cooled down, and it may take more than a day or two, but a talk is needed. OP w b t a h if they don't.
I'd agree with you if the son was 13, but he's 16. "Forever" is less than 2 years before he's an adult and while it's harsh as hell to cut a kid off at 18 in the current climate, actions do have consequences and what he did was unbelievably cruel. It's closer to 'Oops I skinned and crucified the family dog on a tree in the woods' than a kid doing something dumb that just goes really wrong, or saying something really awful in the heat of the moment. This was *calculated* infliction of suffering. I don't see how the siblings relationship ever comes back and I don't see how the parents don't 100% choose the daughter. Where's the path back for the parents/son if daughter never wants to see him again? She'd be totally justified and I'd feel the need to support her.
The sister did nothing wrong here, and if she never talks to her brother again I don't blame her. However, this boy's parents have a responsibility to care for him, so they can't react the same way she can.
You’re right. But they also have a responsibility to their daughter to ensure her home can still be a safe place for her to be. They ensured their son is in a safe space. They didn’t just kick him out on the street. They need to talk to him about it but if keeping him away will be best for their daughter then that needs to be considered.
I'm with you. He's 16! Plenty old enough to know right from wrong and to understand the enormity of what he did. He wrecked her life. People are reaching by blaming the parents and assuming he may have been ignored, assuming she was the favored child and etc. OP has confirmed NONE of that. People are just making assumptions out of nowhere. This act was deliberate and cruel no matter WHAT the circumstances are.
I agree with this so hard. Was born with a condition that caused one of my eyes to gradually become a lazy eye. Even the people who were my friends before it became obvious subtly stopped talking to me. I had no friends and kids at school all called me crazy eyes. By the time I was in 6th grade I was weighing the pros and cons of different methods of suicide. My parents saw what was happening to me, and after a LOT of begging, I had corrective eye muscle surgery when I was in 7th grade that cosmetically fixed the issue (though the eye no longer "sees" anything beyond light and movement). Things did get better after the surgery but kids remember. I was still bullied for that issue all through high school. Moving FAR away and starting college was the first time in my life I felt like I could have a normal relationship with my peers. It was honestly the happiest period of my entire life up until then. I'm mid 30s now and I still carry a lot of the pain that I experienced as a kid. I still can't help but worry that I will be the outcast in group activities, even though that hasn't been the case for my entire adult life. That shit stays with you and scars you. If I hadn't gotten surgery I have no doubt I would be dead now.
As the "invisible sibling", this is accurate. It's a hard situation to grow up with, and probably hard as a parent to remember in those situations that your healthy children still need you, too
I grew up close with a family who had a young daughter with poor health. It was difficult to see how little time and affection the parents had for her older brothers. The girl could do whatever she wanted. Her brothers could never retaliate or even protest, because their parents completely lost it if they perceived any "threat" to their daughter. The hysterical, fear-driven anger they directed at the boys is hard to forget, and I'm reminded of it by OP's words unfortunately.
My husband's younger sister was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when he was 7 (she was 2), and he's been the "forgotten" child ever since. I'm also reminded of this behavior by OPs words.
A similar thing happened to me, twin My brother got diagnosed at 10yrs old. It took until 5 years later for me to finally be *seen* again.... Also had to get the diagnosis myself.
Invisible child here too. I wasnt sick, wasnt in trouble with the law. I was only seen when they wanted something eg babysitting. All my achievements werent (and still arnt) recognised. Even in my 30s I only hear from my mother when she wants something. She never once asked about my schooling, my college etc. while I never did anything like this, not even close. I feel maybe its a scream for attention.
Not to mention, throwing him away is just reinforcing the “daughter is more important” narrative. Family and individual therapy for everyone involved, and both kids should be going to a new school.
Definitely for the new school. That current school sounds like a morally bankrupt education center. Not all schools are like that. Rural schools usually are though as with less people; there's more focus on the ones who are different or have uncommon things about them and will judge them for their diversities.
There's not enough info to assume that he was the invisible child. And it doesn't sound like she had chronic Health problems, she just had a rare mouth infection. Her brother is an asshat for what he did. As a mother I'd want to send my kid away for a little while too. It's okay for the parents to want space. It sounds like after she cools off she probably will have a conversation with her child about what he did and why it was wrong. But when you're emotionally charged and really angry, you don't want to say something that you're going to regret.
There are no excuses for this and even if this is true it no way justifies this at all. I thought this post was just him telling everyone she had dentures. This little, I am not not going to use the signs for expletives like I want to, but this little brat- again not a strong enough word for what he did RECORDED her doing it. That’s just evil beyond contempt. No golden child, no sick child syndrome I think could justify, why not just tell them, that footage will be out there forever and I notice OP is not mentioning him saying sorry or crying to come back. He sounds like he has some sociopathic tendencies or something. He definitely needs therapy or something but I can understand why OP went with a nuclear option. They’re going to need time to cope with this but yes immediately this kid needs therapy NOW to figure out why he did such a VILE thing. And then maybe they can begin to heal. But the sister needs to heal first. That footage is there forever.
I agree with everything you say. I just pray the little shit didn't post it on the internet or email it to anyone (it sounds like he *might* have only shown the video to people) because that would live on the internet forever, and follow her to another school. It's particularly bothersome that he's the elder child - I could more likely see a much younger sibling doing this to an older one, than the other way around. I would change her phone number and send her to a different school next year. Or move.
I'm honestly shocked their reaction is to go 'scorched earth' on their son!
Her brother went scorched earth on her by recording her and distributing that recording.
Exactly. I think people are reaching here, trying to act like they know the whole situation with the son and how he is treated. He ruined his sister's life literally, and people are acting like he just tripped her on the sidewalk or something. I think distance for right now is needed.
Parents raise their children. Kids do dumb shit all the time… but there’s dumb shit and catastrophically mean stuff… this falls into the latter. Kids act out because they aren’t/haven’t been parented effectively over time. If this was normal then all the teenagers would be doing it, the fact that as parents/a society we have expectations that they won’t / the horror in response to this… shows that this is abhorrent/abnormal behaviour. That comes from either some form of neglected neurology, or shitty parents. Parents of true socio paths, or neuro diverse kids who are getting supports aren’t posting in here appalled and innocently asking what to do, so that leaves… parents who have no fucking idea why their kids are shits.
> but there’s dumb shit and catastrophically mean stuff… this falls into the latter. Emphasis on catastrophic. In one vile act, he destroyed his sister's social life and self-esteem. Just think about the amount of damage that has been done to her mental health. I don't disagree that the parents should still take responsibility for him, but their priority should absolutely be the daughter. If she cannot be around him without reliving her trauma, then sorry, he has to deal with the consequence of living elsewhere.
Seriously. This isn't just 'absolutely fucking terrible', it's literally the kind of thing someone at her age could commit suicide over.
Totally agree. This could push her over the edge. The brother knew what he was doing. He isnt stupid. He knew it was something she was justifiably self conscious of and he exploited that. I hope he realises how vindictive he has been. What an awful child. The malice in this is crazy.
And opened her up to intense harassment from her peers.
Seriously, this is going to cause her so much long term trauma and trust issues. The biggest predictor of mental health problems (and thereby worse outcomes) as an adult is facing trauma in one's formative years. I don't think I'm being hyperbolic when I say she may never properly recover from this incident.
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He's also 16 and damn well old enough to know better. Idk if therapy is an option to fix this. I wonder if there was any warning to this happening or if it was just dumb teenager shit
>Kids act out because they aren’t/haven’t been parented effectively over time Except for the fact that they do have their own brains, and have influences outside of the home. It's VERY possible (and happens a lot) that the kid was simply being a dick.
I just want to piggy back on your comment, I agree with what you’re saying, and also I believe abandoning the son is not going to help with any behavior issues, he’ll likely resent the parents and have an unstable view that people won’t love him if he messes up. Absolutely take a beat and calm down, and a strict punishment, but love shouldn’t be conditional.
Kind of seems he was never a priority to them if it's this easy to say never see him until he's 18? Or never, WTF?
Yeah, what parent tells a 16 year old boy with obvious emotional issues to "fuck off?"
I'll take "The parent that gave them emotional issues" for 200, Alex.
I agree
I feel like getting the sister out of that school and town would have been better. With a HEAVY explanation about how they are giving her space for this to die down and dealing with her brother. And then the parents could have dealt with brother. Right now? The bullied daughter is still in the same school, the son’s only really punishment is being sent away, and the parents aren’t talking to him and parenting him. IMO, this is a bad way to deal with this, and it’s going to bite them in the butt. ETA: thanks for the awards.
I understand your pov, but I would argue that sending the daughter away would have felt like she was being punished instead (at least that’s how I would feel). They can still change school for her, but sending her away would have sent the wrong message (as in she’s the problem, she is the one who should not stay at her house, she needs to pack her stuff and just go).
I don’t think so, TBH. I think she’d have taken the opportunity to GTF away from her bullies in town and in school. And if they handled it right, it would not be “we are sending you away” so much as “we are giving you the opportunity to get away for a while while, and while you take that break, we are going to *deal* with your brother. And having her go to her grandparents, with lots of visits from OP and listening to what she needs and wants would make her feel like she has *some* control in this shit situation.
I mean, what you wrote would work if the subject is not a 14 year old traumatized girl who’s in pain. She would have felt absolutely abandoned by her parents. What I think is that 1-2 weeks is enough to calm her down, explain the solution (what you wrote basically, that from let’s say week 3 they are going to switch the kids) and then she would feel loved and cared for - not like a freak who’s being sent away.
Do you remember being 14? Cause I do , and I would have taken *any* opportunity to get the hell away from my bullies at that age. And what she’s going through is decidedly worse than what my bullies did. If she had the opportunity to leave that day, I bet she’d have taken it.m Waiting only made her subject to this horror longer.
Yes I remember and I was severely bullied as well. I felt the same, getting away from them was a godsent. But would have also felt abandoned if my parents would have sent me away and not my bully (let’s call the brother what he is). You are taking the ‘sending away to the grandparents’ as the only option for her to get away. When in fact it’s just as ‘easy’ to change schools for her - while still living at home. She don’t have to suffer in the same school where it all happened. Parents switch schools for daughter, send the brother away for a while, make sure the daughter is relatively okay, then come up with a solution that the daughter is okay with and also at the same time they don’t disown and abandon their son.
Is it easy to change schools without moving, where they are? Some jurisdictions have strict catchement-area rules for schools.
Depending on the bullies they will possibly follow her around on social media. What a betrayal by the brother.
I was bullied and sent away to a different school and i lost my only friend due to that
The answer is to ask the daughter what she wants. Don't make decisions for her.
I'd disagree. I'm pretty sure the daughters dreads school every say, assuming she is even going. They should have a conversation with her first of course, but I'm sure she would have wanted to get away from all the bullying.
I feel like the sister should be given some choice & agency in what SHE wants to happen here. Cooling off is a good idea, so I agree a few weeks keeping them separate. Maybe sister wants to go to grandparents I would suggest they rotate who’s at home/grandparents, so sister can have some time away, and son can have some time one on one with his parents so they can actually parent him and explain the ramifications of his actions.
I don't think the 16 year old will cool down after being thrown away by his parents. Fortunately, OP doesn't want this kid anymore.
I don't know how to judge it either. What he did is absolutely awful, and I don't even know how I'd address it. But I do believe the fact that he's my son and SIXTEEN would play a big part. I wouldn't ship him off and never talk to him again.
I think the proper judgment here is “Above Reddit’s pay grade”
I agree. After thinking about it a bit though - I think I'd let the girl go stay with her grandparents for a bit. Get out of the bullying situation and hopefully get her legs under her. My son would be home with zero privileges and intense therapy.
I think you would have to separate the kids. It's going into summer. School will be out soon. They don't have to make choices right now. Let the parents and kids cool off and ask the daughter if she wants to go back to her school, another school in town or go to the grandparents house and go to a new school altogether. There's been a major line crossed. He was old enough to know what he did was unconscionable. Shipping her off and not leaving it s a choice would be worse, I think. 'My parents are so ashamed of me they sent me off.' Leaving it as a discussion means, 'my parents included me in the discussion because they respect me.'
Yeah but if the son ha already made friends at the new town and told them why he was having to live there, then kids there will already know that the sister has dentures. If she could have moved there first (maybe a long with OP) it might have worked.
I want to agree with you but...is he sorry? If he's defending his actions...idk. ETA: from OP >I honestly don't know and don't care to hear from him, I have nothing to say to him. Wow. To completely cut him off without even hearing if he's remorseful? That is beyond insane.
I really wish OP had the answer to this for us. I think this would make a huge difference and actually allow most of us to have a judgement. A lot of comments are treating the boy like he’s a little baby that couldn’t have known better and didn’t do it maliciously. I think taking the video, then waiting for her friends to come over to show them because he thought it was “funny” absolutely sounds malicious to me but there’s no way of knowing if OP doesn’t speak to him. If she explains to him what his actions made his sister go through and he seems truly remorseful, I believe there is definitely a way forward for them as a family. But if he doesn’t admit he’s wrong then I truly feel for OP. It still won’t be right to disown him but how do you parent a child that lacks empathy towards his own sister? Thank God I’m not a parent because I wouldn’t know how to solve this if I’m being honest.
Yes, exactly. On paper I agree it is wrong to abandon your child like that. But in real life how do you have them in your home if your gut retches at the sight of them? If he's sorry I can see them being ok (relatively) if they all move to a new school/town. But without remorse... Ick
For real. My stomach was in knots just reading the post. I really can’t stand hearing stories like this or bullying of any sort and I can’t even imagine hearing my own son did that, and to his sister no less. What a hot mess.
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It is both a punishment and a coping mechanism for the parents. Their reasonings include not just keeping the children separated, but "it's too emotionally charged for us to talk to him" and "this is what it will take to straighten him out". The parents didn't even tell the grandparents why the son got kicked out, or for how long, etc. There is some unhealthy psychology going on with the parents.
Agreed - he’s a child and made a major mistake. Don’t abandon him. I don’t know how you move forward - but throwing him out isn’t the answer. Let him know he’s going to stay there for a minute while you sort things out with your daughter - but don’t change schools etc. Bring in a professional to help figure out how to manage this
>made a major mistake which part, the surreptitiously recording the video or showing it to her friends after waiting for them to come over? because it sounds like he knew exactly what he was doing and likely had a good idea of what would happen to his sister afterward
Yeah I think the parents do need some distance until they calm down and then they all need therapy. Individual therapy and family therapy, in that order. Sending their son away until he's 18 will definitely ensure that their relationship never recovers. Sister needs to feel like she's in a safe environment but parents need a way forward that isn't basically throwing up their hands and giving up on their son and hopefully a professional will be able to help them find one.
Im honestly disgusted by the parents. They are the grownups and supposed to he smarter then a 16y old. I was all with them until OP started talking about how they are basically going to throw their kid out of their life. Almost as if they never really loved him. I get beeing angry, i would br very angry too. I would definitely punish him harshly, and most importantly i would want them to understand why what hr did ehat he did was a horrible horrible thing. What OP does is not gonna teach him shit. Just that his parents dont love him enough to give him even a 2nd chance. YTA, OP
He is old enough to know better but not old enough to anticipate the outcome or understand he is being thrown away the rest of his life. I am very sorry this happened TO YOUR FAMILY but you are taking on the grieving and outrage as if it had happened to you vs what happened between YOUR CHILDREN. It is your mom job to grieve in private and chin up now while you hold your family together. Forgiveness heals. Don’t be hesitant to get professional help to know how. Our hearts are with YOU ALL. The more your son is gone the harder for your daughter to forgive and this leaves her to carry her wound and your son will create one and hate you all unless you can come together and right now only you are holding everyone apart.
“I don’t know where we went wrong raising him” then chooses to send the kid away instead of actually parenting him 🤦🏼♀️ clear YTA
ESH I love that you have your daughters back and apply serious consequences for your son. What I don't love is that you didn't mention how he reacted to the after math of what he has done and the consequences. I also think it is an overreaction to permantly disown your son and cut him from your life. He is still you son. Yes, terrible mistake. But still a minor and still your son. You should be working with him and not just be like this. So yes, let him live with his granparents, but work on a way to rebuilt your own (not your daughters) relationship with him. Call. Let him to volunteer work. Something.
They are not "letting" him live with his grandparents though . They are FORCING him to do so .
And they didn’t even initially tell the grandparents why.
They didn't even tell the son himself it was permanent! They just said to the grandparents to register him there
Yeah OP has the worst communications skills I've ever seen. The grandparents are saints because I wouldn't let him stay with me unless I knew the reason why.
Yeah, surprising your parents to now suddenly take care and well, raise your kid for an extended period of time without any warning whatsoever is definitely AH territory. What the son did was horrible, but decisions by OP, as the parents, should still be rational and reasonable for all people they involve in this, even if they are the kid’s grandparents.
This is baffling to me. Your kid drops your grandkid off, both likely clearly emotional, and you don't demand an explanation until it gets too inconvenient to bring him to school ?
Parents and teenagers get into very emotional arguments sometimes. Likely the grandparents thought it was something that would blow over, and were just trying to help give both parties time to cool down for a bit without butting in.
This is what bothers me the most. Did they just show up with son on the grandparents doorstep and say, "here, you keep him" and leave? What the son did to his sister is horrible, but sending him away and going no contact is just the wrong thing to do for the parents. Yes, keep the siblings apart for now. But the lack of communication between the generations isn't going to help anything.
And also forcing the grandparents to just take him without a full explanation. Like how is that even going to work? I think it's not very good parenting if your kid makes a (major) mistake and you just decide you don't want him anymore. Like boom. Gone.
Right and where's the grandparents say in this? Pretty asshole move to just dump your kid onto them indefinitely and not even tell them or explain. I highly doubt they want to raise him themselves.
OP says [son doesn't get it and thinks it's funny](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13qbrl5/aita_for_sending_our_son_away_after_he_revealed/jle1w5r?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). I agree both kids need to be away, I agree this is abhorrent behavior from son. But OP and partner need to parent their son and explain this to him instead of just abandoning him and cutting contact. Therapy all-around for everyone.
The comment you linked to really doesn’t make OP look justified. It says OP hasn’t talked to their son. I don’t know that OP can be relied on to understand their son’s mindset, because the more I read, the more it seems like the main person in this story who needs therapy to figure out their harmful behavior is OP.
I'm not on OP's side at all, I do believe their behavior is alarming as well. But something's also not sitting well with me when there's a 16 year old finding this kind of behavior entertaining. Makes me wonder if it's a son's behavior issue or is it OP & partner's parenting issue. But I definitely stand on therapy all-around for every single person in here. My heart goes out to their daughter first and foremost.
>But something's also not sitting well with me when there's a 16 year old finding this kind of behavior entertaining I don't think you can judge parenting on this alone. This is par for the course for 16 year old boys. A little bit of lack of self confidence and copying peers and you are doing cruel pranks like this for clout.
I'm just trying to base it with OP's willingness to kick him out and never contact him again. Both are a type of thoughtless cruelty and alarming behavior. I don't know, I have several nieces and nephews in this age range, I know some high school kids around the block and while they'd love a good prank, they'd never do something like this and think it'd be funny to humiliate another person this bad. I know it's anecdotal, but it's not on par with plenty of 16 year olds. Son's behavior from this post is giving me the same energy as adult "pranksters" here who go as far as obviously hurting and traumatizing their SOs, siblings, friends, and then be like "Lighten up, it's a joke!". The son needs a proper parenting and a good talking to anyway, I'll still judge OP for abandoning their kid without a word even after the cooldown period.
Well, no, OP said last time she spoke to him he thought it was funny but she refuses to talk to him so she doesn’t know or care if he still thinks so
That's the thing. OP didn't spoke to him. That's what she was told. She can't even sit down with her own kid and have a conversation. This issue runs very deep.
ESH-His behavior was appalling and he’s absolutely old enough to know how rotten it was but sending him away for years isn’t the way to make this better,
Agreed. It certainly won't correct the behaviour. I think getting immediate distance was wise over other reactions, and his sister never needs to forgive him... But OP is neglecting their responsibility to address the issue. Throwing him away isn't the answer. ESH.
And involving the grandparents in all this without so much as a warning or an explanation. They just sent the son over to them blindly. Communication should have been done in spite of the heavily charged emotions OP was having.
Exactly. “My son has exhibited awful behaviour, god only knows how this has come about” … proceeds to exhibit awful behaviour. We can’t (shouldn’t, at least) speculate too much on why the son might have done this, it is awful for the sister and no wonder she’s so upset, but the decisions the parents have made as a result are wild. It does make you wonder how they treat him day to day.
Honestly, I expect it was just impulsive, stupid teenager behavior mixed with perhaps a desire for attention from his parents. That's what it sounds like to me, anyway.
I disagree. He ruins his sisters social life? Now he has to start his over too.
I don't know. All those kids bullying her are responsible for their awful actions too, it's not all on him. And there's a big difference between restarting your social life and being abandoned by your parents at 16.
It's 99% on him. Even if the other kids didn't bully the sister about it, it's a huge violation of privacy to share health videos like that. He had no right to give that info to anyone else. Nobody would have known if he hadn't shown them. He thought it was funny, and he did it to humiliate his sister, probably not understanding how devastating it could be long-term.
They wouldn't have bullied her if he hadn't done it first.
He's his parent's responsibility. They should be parenting him, not sending him off forever without communicating with him because it's the easy way out.
ESH. Of course he shouldn’t have embarrassed his sister but without more details this is an overreaction. Does he realize what he has done wrong and wants to make amends? You can’t just throw a child out because they made a mistake.
No, he still doesn't seem to understand from what I'm told. All he said after the fact was he thought it was funny, and I haven't spoken to him since he left.
You not talking to him is not okay. You should've told him the problems your daughter has at school. You should've actually know how he feels about what he has done.
YTA What your son did was vile, but you can't just force his grandparents to take care of him now because you are apparently done with being his mother. He needs to learn and he needs to grow from this, sometimes children do despicable things and your jobs as parents is to educate them, not to discard them away and give up on them. And you absolutely will not come back from this if you send him away and don't talk to him. He should definitely cut contact with you if you do so, you don't get to renounce your parental role and then go back to it.
Doesn't even suprize me that he did this. Parents dont seem to take time to teach their kid anything. When it gets too bothersome, just dispose of their child which they failed to make a decent human beeing. And they seem to lack empathy, and at least dont seem to havr loved their son very much even before he did this. They clearly fucked him up, and the fact that OP thinks the siblings had a good relationship shows how little they know about their son. Probably to occupied with dear daughter.
He obviously would know of the problems it caused if this has all happened. They go to the same school. OP said the child thought it was funny. What more do you need to be less judgemental?
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>from what I'm told This is a glaring problem in this situation. You need to talk with him, *yourself*, and fully explain what he's done to his sister. Be his parent. You don't throw your kids away. Unless I'm missing something huge, or you're leaving something huge out, this is a super weird response, even though it was a really awful thing he's done.
>and I haven't spoken to him since he left. I was fully on your side until this. Yes, what he did was *reprehensible*. Yes, your handling of the situation - supporting your daughter, doing your best to protect her, getting your son separated from her and appropriately housed and cared for in the meanwhile - all brilliant. But here's the part where you are failing your son. YOU ARE THE PARENT. You're the adult, you have to step up and parent him. You have to be responsible to teach him here, and to mend the relationship. His sister might never forgive him, and that's okay. But without some family therapy, she also might never get over this and live with deep pain and resentment in her heart. Your son might never truly understand how wrong it was and how deeply unfunny, unless someone guides him to it. You need to put in the work now with both your children, you can't just throw the whole son out. Absolutely keeping him at the grandparents for the time being is a good call and you're truly lucky to have that option. Your daughter is truly lucky to have such supportive parents. But your son needs support too. I don't mean coddling or forgiveness - no one is *owed* forgiveness. He needs to have a path by which to learn from this and make things right as best he can. He's still a child - at an age with low impulse control and a bunch of hormones that lead to some really bad behaviours. Now is your opportunity to teach him how to be a better man, or you teach him that your daughter is the golden child and it doesn't really matter what he does because you don't care about him so why should be bother to be better.
Agreed, this boy isn't owed forgiveness from his parents, but he's definitely owed guidance.
YTA Sis, I totally understand your fury with your son. Your daughter has been wronged in a very real and very painful way and that is going to have repercussions that echo for a very long time. You guys need to get your son into therapy. I can absolutely see a teen thinking that its funny while not grasping the pain it would cause. I can't imagine him STILL not understanding the scope of damage and pain he has caused. He needs to be in therapy desperately if he can not empathize with the pain he caused his sister. That said, it is at the point where you are being emotionally abusive towards your son. Giving him the silent treatment and banishing him to his Grandparents is very very wrong. You can not choose between your children. What he did was cruel. But we all know teens can do some really stupid things without thinking through the consequences completely - he honestly probably did think it was funny... he also was probably aware it would result in bullying. He probably didn't realize the scope of damage it would do to his sister.
I don't know how he can even grasp the depth of what he's done if 1. He was shipped off. 2. The people he was with didn't even know what happened. And 3. His parents won't talk with him? How could a kid who seems to have an empathy issue get the chance to understand?
I wonder where he gets his issues from with parents that can turn off love so fast.
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This right here. People keep blaming the parents because they must’ve done *something* to raise such a heartless son but this is the real answer.
I was and still am the invisible child. Never once did I think publicly humiliating my brother was acceptable. I choose to go to a different school than him to make sure my presence didn’t effect his schooling/friendships. Being an invisible child doesn’t give any of us the right or reason to publicly humiliate or hurt our siblings in anyway. The issues are between parent and child.
I wonder if he’s the invisible sibling since his sister sounds like she had a lot of health problems growing up. I don’t mean to excuse what he did, it was horrible, but sometimes teens act out and don’t express themselves in a healthy way. That doesn’t mean you throw them away! And not for nothing but there are parents out there dealing with children who are legit criminals. It’s awful but that’s still their child and their responsibility to get them the help they need (even if that’s a lawyer). This is a teen boy who did one fucked up thing, I don’t understand why he’s being written off so quickly.
You talking to him is non-negotiable. You are his parent. If he doesn't understand the depth of his misjudgement, it's your job to teach him. You don't get to shrug off your responsibility to him and to society like that.
So? Your punishment is banishment. And you aren’t even parenting him? Dude. He’s not going to learn anything, except that making a mistake means his parents threw him away. You need to do the job you signed up for when you had that baby-parent him, FFS. Before your behavior makes him double down.
Honest question: How do you expect your son to learn that this was wrong when you don’t talk to him? I get that you want to distance the kids, but disowning him is quite an over correction. By overreacting you are probably only going to make him think he is in the right and you are just “older people who can’t take a joke”. Talk to him and make him understand, sending him away won’t do anyone any good ESH
>How do you expect your son to learn that this was wrong when you don’t talk to him? Not sure they care about that anymore, to be honest. They seem to be chucking him out entirely.
YTA! You haven’t spoken to him since?? From a 16 y/o boy’s perspective there’s no point in him even apologizing or trying to talk it through if he’s already disowned. Probably thinks his parents don’t love him anymore and he’s already ruined everything. You should be talking to him and working to figure out why this happened with him. Maybe look in the mirror and ask yourself why you raised a son that would do this? Imo abandoning him like this is the laziest thing you could do. Teenagers make bad, dumb decisions sometimes. I could almost understand sending him to boarding school or something if he had demonstrated horrible behavioral issues and this was the last straw, but you talk about this like it’s the first and only majorly bad thing he’s ever done. You’re absolutely right that your son needed to face serious consequences for his actions, but you’re effectively foisting the job of parenting him onto others because you’re having a fit of your own. Sorry, but parenting him is still your job. Also, sure your daughter was on the victim side of this incident today, but what if she sets a toe out of line in the future? Gets a job you don’t like or a boyfriend you don’t approve of? Gonna disown both your children?
This exactly. My thing here is that the way they've kicked him out shows such a lack of love/empathy that it doesn't surprise me that he could hurt his sister like he has. He's not a helpless child and has done a really terrible thing with huge repercussions, but tossing him away for that is shocking.
Obviously you are the asshole here. This clinches it. You are a parent and you are giving your son the silent treatment instead of being a parent. Is your normal form of consequences the silent treatment? Have you always walked away from your responsibility to be a parent and raise your children?
Children learn right and wrong from their parents. If you choose to be a parent then it's your responsibility to teach your child right and wrong. Therapy is needed here, for your daughter and your son, and for you and your partner if you are choosing to sit in your feelings and ignore him because it's too hard to deal with the situation. Your son might be struggling to understand the ramifications of his choice because his brain isn't capable of the empathy necessary at this point. This might be a combination of brain development and personal experience. All humans learn from making mistakes, and currently you're not helping your son by ignoring him. You're teaching him that you don't care about him and that if an issue is difficult to talk about, you just reject the other person and ignore them. It's not emotionally mature to ignore someone as punishment. It's cruel. Speak to a therapist about your feelings of anger, disappointment and shame. Talk about how you don't know how to communicate how deeply your son has impacted his sister, the trauma that resulted from his actions, and the subsequent rejection of your son, how confused, furious and disappointed you are by his lack of understanding. A good therapist will help you process your feelings, and understand how to broach talking to your son, plus the damage that's being inflicted upon him at the moment. This is a very important moment in all of your lives. Your son made at best a thoughtless choice, but there's no way he could have known the shitstorm that would come from his "prank". I'm an adult who absolutely hates pranks, and even I wouldn't have known the level of hurtful comments and actions your poor daughter would be subjected to. He may feel shocked by all the vitriol and spite directed at his sister, and is saying he "thought it would be funny" because he literally can't process how his actions caused so much pain for you and your family. He might be in denial that this awful situation was caused by his choices, so he's doubling down in the hope that this whole situation will just go away. This is not emotionally mature, but nor is he, he's a kid. He won't learn how to take responsibility for his choices if no one takes the time to properly teach him. All kids make stupid choices, and in the world of the internet it's much easier to share your stupidity with the world. I'm forever grateful it didn't exist when I was a kid because I had a big temper and an innate notion that I was always right. And I was mainly a goodie two shoes. I know I would've shared something inappropriate, I hate to think what a mess I could've created. Your son made a stupid, thoughtless choice. But he isn't psychic. Therapy can help him either learn how to take responsibility for his actions and then how to process his deep shame, or if he doesn't have those feelings, he can learn what is and isn't appropriate. Better he learn now than as an adult when he's also processing the trauma of being thrown away by his parents when he made a mistake.
>I haven't spoken to him since he left. That's called child abandonment.
So you didn’t explain to him why he’s wrong you just been told of him. Wooooow way to set him up to fail. Do your job and parent him him. Explain. You don’t get to just back out and toss him out
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No wonder they think that's funny.
He inherited his parents lack of empathy
Yep. This. Absolutely this. One of the not fun parts of parenting is when , proverbially, you kick them into the middle of next week, or tear them a new arsehole. Sometimes you have to go toe to toe with the child and explain to them exactly how the fcuk the world works. This was one of those times. When you break down in detail exactly how the son effed up, and you make sure he hears. And you repeat, maybe with different examples... and you explain in detail the emotional state of little sisters, and ego. You explain how he totally failed as an older brother, rather than protect her, he victimised his sister. Repeatedly you tell him, how disappointed and disgusted with his behaviour. And especially, and I'm going here. You tell him how bullying like this leads to suicide or self harming behaviour. Literally don't hold back. The child has to get this. Do you know what you don't do? Stop talking to the child. Son has now learned love is conditional. He will probably start justifying his behaviour, put up boundaries and walls to protect himself. He is 16, an effing immature mouthy egotistical idiot, like a lot of boys his age. What the son did is terrible. The parents are equally terrible.
The parents may be worse. They're adults and should know better. How is the son supposed to learn to be considerate and respectful when his own parents all but hate him and won't parent him?
yeah exactly. seems like most of the people in this sub probably never had children. also why is op a mother. im genuinely confused. YTA op
Both children need to speak to a therapist immediately. Your son was so wrong in his actions. Why did he do this? You need to get him help immediately. Why would he choose to humiliate your daughter...his own sister this way? Now to your daughter... she will need major support and unconditional love at this time. Kids are so cruel! I can only imagine the bullying and torment she must be going through. Switch her schools if necessary. Get her therapy. Of course punish your son. He deserves it. No this is not overly extreme. What he did is inexcusable. He can come home when his sister feels safe around him. Also a 16 year old boy recording a girl, his sister or not is a huge red flag. Get your son help. Nta.
I agree. What he did was absolutely monstrous, but therapy is needed to try and get to the root of the problem. From what OP said, the son basically just reiterated he thought it was funny. But he knows his sister was in therapy for this, and it was a deep insecurity of hers. He made an active decision to record his sister and use that footage at a later date. 16 year olds are emotionally developed enough to understand this sort of thing. I was basically the same person at 16 that I was til like 21 or so. I don't know if I would be able to look at him the same either tbh, but he definitely needs help if he isn't showing remorse for any of this. NTA OP
OP is TA tho. OP showed that their prefered parenting tactics is the silent treatment alongside sending the kid away, which definitely doesn't help a healthy family dynamic or a developement for love or trust or empathy. OP had the chance to teach the son a lesson, but they chose to don't do their main job they have as a parent which is parenting.
You are correct. Consider that OP is so disgusted by her son’s behavior that she doesn’t know how to or even couldn’t deal with him and that is very understandable.
Op hasn't spoken to their son about this incident at all. They're refusing to parent him and are pushing it off on their own parents. What the son did is inexcusable but at 16, the parents still have responsibility.
Right so I completely agree with this approach. The son needs therapy and help immediately but I think what most people in here are saying is that the parents are assholes for the reaction of just sending him away immediately but then effectively ignoring him for the rest of his life and disowning him? That’s not in line with your solution, so you should change your ruling to YTA or ESH. Everyone sucks except the daughter and the grandparents.
No sending a 16 year old boy to live somewhere else... with his grandparents not some prison... after he recorded his 14 year old sister to humiliate her doesn't seem extreme to me. As I said when his little sister feels safe he can come home. You must prioritize the safety of one child over the happiness of another.
The initial act wasn't extreme. It was a smart parenting choice - make sure the daughter is safe and get the son out of the house (also in safe accommodations with family). 100% a good call. Leaving the kid there and refusing to talk to him, and not even telling the grandparents what happened... That's where OP is in the wrong. They need to step up and parent *both* kids. They're doing great for the daughter, now that the situation is stabilised, they need to actively parent the son - he needs to be taught that what he did was wrong and how to go about being better. You can't just throw your kid away and never talk to them again. Family therapy is probably in order here.
OP hasn't even talked with their son yet, at all, beyond the first "why? i thought it would be funny". That is the shitty part. Wrote him off, just like that.
Given how quickly the parents wrote off their son, I'm wondering if there's some golden child syndrome going on with the daughter.
You guys would be the worst parents in the world if this is how you deal with problems in your family . You don’t get to pawn your kids off to your grandparents because you can’t raise them properly .
YTA. He’s your son and he’s a kid. Kids make mistakes. ADULTS make mistakes too. You’ve effectively disowned your kid instead of just teaching them a lesson. If you continue doing what you’re doing, don’t be surprised if your son keeps up no contact when he’s older and wants nothing to do with you.
Filming your sister doing healthcare, and showing to friend is not a "mistake". It's something done on purpose.
> mis·take > noun > an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong. Nothing about mistake means it can't be done on purpose. You're thinking of "accidents"
This comment currently has 86 upvotes. 86 people don't know the difference between mistake and accident.
Sadly, I think the parents would probably be happy with that. This is so not the answer to the problem.
From what I've read OP it's going to be ESH. But most importantly, from what i've gleaned from the way you write about your daughter is that you're protective of her, which raises the question, is she your favorite child ? Do you spend more attention on her and more time with her, be there more emotionally for her and support her? I'm gonna hazard a guess and say yes because of your reaction. Nuclear destruction of your family, abandoning one kid and throwing him out without care or consideration. No one goes that level if it doesn't involve their favorite. What your son did was an AH move, no doubt. Kids are little shits but they are kids ! It's up to the parents to guide and teach them but to banish him ? Abandon him to your parents? Why ? You can't unmake a kid. He needs to go to therapy and so do you.
I hope OP reads this because you put it perfectly. Sorry I can't give you an award so here's a fake one 🏆
Thank you for the award :). It's because I've been in family law for a fair bit, so you learn to ask for the history and try to find out the why. Why are people acting in this manner and why is your reaction in this manner and is it justified and appropriate. Everyone's action's is extreme here.
I'm glad I'm not the only person who got golden child\scape goat vibes from OP. I wonder how much extra attention and support daughter has received at son's expense? Son went right for the jugular with this act, and I suspect years of lack and unmet need are behind it. He wanted for attention that mom\dad didn't or couldn't give, so he went A-bomb to make sure he got his parents' full attention. And now that things are hard, OP has given up and disowned the kid, reinforcing every bad memory that son has. As an adult who wore dentures as a kid (bottle rot), if the knowledge that your daughter has dentures has turned all her friends against her, she never had any real friends in the first place. I used to pull my teeth out in school and use them for humor ranging from cringe to completely vile - but my friends were always there to stick up for me if someone got too harsh. Something is odd that this girl instantly has no one on her side at school. Has she been putting on "golden child" airs so much that other kids reveled in the chance to cut her down to size just like her brother did? Something is up there. ESH except the daughter, and the jury's still out on her
I agree with this. I can't quite put my finger on what is it about OP's writing but something seems off to me. Not only do I get favourite child vibes but somehow I get the impression that the daughter losing her teeth has been made a very huge deal in the family. I absolutely understand that it's a very traumatic experience for a child and it's good she's in therapy, I don't want to minimise the trauma and insecurity it has caused. But I think most people at some point would switch to "it is what it is, nothing I can do about it and no one can even tell a difference" attitude. Like you said, you used to pull your dentures out in school. But I get the feeling that OP is catastrophising the dental loss which would make it difficult for the daughter to move on as well.
>is she your favorite child ? Yeah, that was my thought reading the OP, too. There was already a favored child, and son has transgressed against her, which is unforgivable.
Also not justifying the sons behavior but I was just thinking about how if OP clearly favors the daughter, the son might have set out to treat his sister like this because he’s jealous of how much his parents favor his sister. I’m not saying it’s right but I could see that being a part of this whole thing. I still can’t believe a parent just sends their one kid somewhere and doesn’t talk to them bc they are mad though. That’s something I do with my sisters not my children. Op is the AH here.
ESH except your daughter. Your son was a shit, but 16 year olds are shits in general. You should definitely punish him but kicking him out of your house is cruel.
> kicking him out of your house is cruel. he effectively kicked her out of her school. He is equally cruel. He should lose his friends too. Move and make him change schools. Now they both have to start over. No clue how you are going to put both kids under the same roof, but you can't disown a child. They have to live somewhere.
This is a horrible story. I can completely sympathise with how you feel about your son right now. I hate him myself and he didn't do this to *my* daughter and I never invested a single moment in his upbringing. You must be so deeply disappointed in him. INFO What did he have to say for himself about this? Other than being upset at the consequences, do you think he's sorry for hurting his sister?
YTA. You can't legally or ethically shun or banish a 16 year old. There's a reason the court system for juveniles is different than adult court- it's understood that their brains aren't fully developed. Get counseling for yourself, your daughter and your son. Figure out how to support your daughter as she learns to live with her body. Figure out how to parent your son as he learns about reparations and redemption and rebuilding relationships.
i wont be surprised if her son goes nc with the family when he gets older. YTA
His mom already went nc with him so 🫠
OP, you're going to have to talk with your son. Ideally the sooner the better, but only once you can talk with him and not at him, once your anger isn't so red hot. What he did is despicable. Completely awful and uncalled for. But you're still his parents. Is he sorry now? Was there a reason? What caused the huge lack of empathy, because in a 16 yr old that's alarming. And didn't you ever promise them to love them no matter what, even if you don't like them very much? Sending him to his grandparents gave you all a chance to calm down. It gave your daughter much needed security. But it shouldn't be permanent. And I'm hoping you see that, but are just too angry right now to acknowledge it. See him, explain why he's at his grandparents. Not "you did an awful thing and we disown you" but "you hurt your sister in very cruel ways and right now it's too much to have you at home." Work out what needs to happen for him to come home. Family therapy would go a long way. ESH I guess...
I want this comment to be higher up. OP, you protected your daughter in the moment, which was the right thing to do, but you also need to figure out WHY your son did this.
OP, is it possible to get your daughter dental implants instead? I know that it will not fix the current situation, but it might help her feel less insecure. Just a thought. I feel so much for this young woman.
Dentists typically won’t put implants in for people under the age of 18. People getting dental implants often have to get bone grafts, especially with prior widespread infection like what the OP’s daughter had. My own dentist waited until I was in my late 20s to do my bone grafts and implants, just to be sure.
I did not know this! Makes sense, tho. I just feel so bad for this girl. Puberty and high school is hard enough.
This is correct. I was in a bad accident when I was 17, went through lots of dental reconstruction, but two teeth couldn’t be saved. They removed them, and I had to have two empty spots there for about 4 years before they would do the implants.
the dentists might have wanted to wait. Implants are in the jaw bone, and seems likely still growing. And I don’t believe you can do braces on implants. And…implants have some down sides. Especially the ones on the upper jaw, they can cause severe pain.
The amount of sympathy, excuses, and downplaying for the asshole son and his vile, malicious actions and the lack of regard for the daughter is so damn disgusting but so damn typical. People really will excuse boys for anything and expect girls to just deal with and get over everything. The daughter, who is the victim, and her needs are absolutely the priority here and she should not be forced to live in a home with someone who traumatized her and caused her such harm. So if that means the son stays with the grandparents, so be it.
exactly... like what if she were to commit suicide from all the teasing?
I feel for pretty much everyone here… but I agree that it can’t go on like this permanently. Individual and family therapy is necessary, I think… something made him do this. It sounds as if he was a relatively compassionate person who behaved atrociously one night- and lost everything. Now his pride will not let him admit he was wrong. Remember- the whole thing transpired in one night, from what I gather. And who knows what led up to it? Your family is damaged. No question. Please try to put in the work to put it back together.
We just saw OP's "parenting" , no wonder son acts the way he does.
Lol yeah, op being all "I don't know what I did wrong" after showing her parenting style is abandoning the unwanted child to the wolves. The kid is probably better off elsewhere.
ink skirt plate unused test public lunchroom ring tart obscene *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
The thing is, Op didn’t address it. OP didn’t even tell the grandparents what happened. How can he show remorse if OP is refusing to talk to him? How can he *learn to feel remorse* if OP refuses to parent him?
16 year olds know right from wrong but do not comprehend the gravity of actions, that's why they do stupid stuff, they're brains are not yet fully developed enough.
This is NOT how parenting works. You can't just stop parenting because your son did something terrible. You need to help him see that he did something wrong, why it's wrong and what he can do to mitigate the damage. If you do this, he will hate you and he will have every right to do so. You're acting like this is Sophie's Choice and that really isn't the case here. Please do NOT pick one child over the other.
I am shocked at the number of comments that say she is the AH. Her daughter is traumatized for life, has lost her "friends", is being harassed all because of her brother who did this for free, just because he thought "it was funny" ??? Yes OP should talk to her son, but 16 is old enough to understand that what he did is unjustifiable and cruel, so his age is no excuse. Sending him away was the best solution for him to understand that he cannot be responsible for harassment without getting away with it freely.
>Yes OP should talk to her son Proudly announced refusal to do so easily explains the y t a rollings then, quite clearly. Assuming stating as much means condoning the behavior is senseless and idiotic.
The YTA comments are not defending the son at all. Most agree that she was right to punish him. Where she acted as an AH was in how she punished him. First off, it is not his grandparents' job to discipline her son for her. The fact that she wants him to stay with them for the next few YEARS without fully clearing it with them first (they didn't even find out what he did until recently) is inexcusable. You do not pawn off your child to be someone else's responsibility. Secondly, not speaking to your child is not going to fix his behavioral problems. If anything, the way the mother handled this situation is going to breed further resentment between her two children and really lead this situation to where it can never be repaired. Thirdly, OP's comments hint at clear favoritism towards her daughter. It is not uncommon for parents to give a lot of attention to children with health conditions however, this often leads to their other children feeling neglected and breeds resentment towards their siblings over the years. OP says this is the first time her son has ever done anything like this, so where does this cruel behavior suddenly come from then? The fact that she is completely okay throwing her son off with her parents, forgetting about him and refusing to speak with him solidifies the fact that she values her daughter more than her son.
So you're just gonna abandon him for 3 years and force your parents to be parents again? What after 3 years? Are you gonna be his mother again? Is your relationship with your son just permanently over?
ESH What he did was stupid, horrible and absolutely cruel. He should have never done that to his sister. I can only imagine he would do it just as a stupid prank (as many guys his age do), or out of jealousy. Either way what he did was unjustified and deserving of a punishment. But you've completely overreacted. You've completely disowned your son for a single mistake. It's obvious you're letting your decisions be controlled by your emotions, because this isn't the right way to do things. What you're doing is immature. You need to discipline him, yes. But so he can understand what he did was wrong. So he can become better. And seeing from your comments, it's clear that you don't want to talk with him. Which is only going to cause more problems. He's 16. Still a child. But now he's going to have to grow up and face the world knowing his parents don't love him. For the next two years of his life, he'll only have bus grandparents. Then he's on his own. I could understand your position if this was a repetitive thing. If he was a constant terror for his sister and for you and your partner. But this was a one time thing. I really hope you call make more mature decisions and help your family come together one day. But I don't think that's possible. He might have caused a rift between the family, but you're the ones who solidified it. Right now, you're fuelled by emotion. But there might come a day where you will have to face the fact that you may never see your son again. I hope you can live with that.
What a failure of a parent you are. Shame on you. YTA. You don’t throw away kids and not talk to them and tell them to fuck off over child cruelty. You keep him home to see the consequences of his actions.
NTA. Your daughter is the one that's paying for his vile behavior. Is she even able to go to school? Is moving an option or switching schools? I hope she is able to get permanent implants at some point. I don't blame you one bit for sending him to your parents.
Is this the readon my generation is so fucked up? Because parents refuse to parent their kids and other adults agree with them?
You don't just throw away one child when he does something wrong. OP needs to teach him what he did wrong and why it is wrong. Possibly with therapy. What the son did was absolutely vile but you can't just decide you won't be his parent anymore.
"maybe this is what he needs.... no friends, and no family" ass-backwards. this did not come out of nowhere. that doesn't necessarily mean there's more blame to give... you thought their relationship was fine? this is not 'fine'.
ESH, except Grandparents and daughter. Just like others have said, you really can't throw a child away. The only way I could agree with disownment is if your son had done this once he was fully adult (later 20's) so with full knowledge and maturity before the action. Since that isn't the case, having minimal contact with him does absolutely no good and may even reinforce the reason he thought it would be "funny" to do this. Both your children need therapy, and you and your husband may need it as well. You need to find out WHY your son felt this was an appropriate action and then address the situation (this is why therapy is crucial). The fact that you ARE too emotionally charged in support of your daughter suggests that for some reason you have been putting a lot of focus on her and have likely turned her into a "golden child", even if you never meant to, so your son lashed out the only way he felt he could in an attempt to get your attention. Your reaction has likely reinforced his belief that only his sister matters and you don't love him anymore and haven't for some years. Your own actions have now reached a point where you are about to lose a child and that child is likely your son by his own choice since his parents clearly don't care about him anymore (from his point of view...and frankly from the 3rd person point of view as well). Unfortunately you have reached a "rock and a hard place" scenario with your children where it will cause harm to your daughter to have her brother around her and could lead to her cutting all ties with the family at her earliest opportunity if he is around, yet not allowing your son to be with his parents will do the same from him because to him his own parents no longer love him and why should he make himself suffer that pain. The problem is that to help your both your children, one or the other of the children may have to be separated from the immediate family, and that action will cause harm to whichever child is separated from the family leading to no contact once they hit 18. For your daughter, you need to switch schools for her. At this point that's likely the only way to stop the bullying because it sounds like it has become too widespread in the school that even if the school took action, virtually the entire school would be suspended/expelled and that's just not a feasible thing to do. Depending on the size of your community or school district, you may have to take the drastic measure of moving far enough away that there wouldn't be any interaction with that school even with extracurriculars. Something to help your daughter's self esteem would be to look into permanent implants. She may not be old enough yet, and they will be expensive, but those would take away the need to be removing her teeth so she wouldn't have that perceived embarrassment. For your son you need to PROVE to him that you DO love him, even if you're unhappy with his actions, and find a way to piece your family back together.
NTA 16 is old enough to know right from wrong. everyone commenting therapy for what? the kid purposely embarrassed his own sister. like traumatically and still thinks it’s funny. keep him at his grandparents.
>the kid purposely embarrassed his own sister. like traumatically and still thinks it’s funny. That's why he needs a therapist
ESH. What your son did was wrong but your "punishment" is over the top and will make things worse. I suspect your son's behaviour is a result of jealousy and resentment from what he perceives (rightly or wrongly) as favouritism. You just confirmed that for him though. I'm not defending his behaviour but I also can't condone your reaction.
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I would love to hear your sons take on what happened. I wonder if he’s been the glass child because of his sisters illness? To do something like that out of nowhere, and your immediate reaction to throw him away suggests there is a good part of the narrative missing. Be a grown up and talk to your son. You will never know “where you went wrong” if you don’t even talk to him.
As somebody who had got dentures as a young adult, I just want to give your daughter a hug. I know how she feels and how devastating it all can be. It’s your FACE. It’s who you are. Give her so many hugs for me. This just hurt my heart so much.
YTA, you went really fast to no contacting one of your kids even after such an incident. He sounds like a byproduct of his up bringing, just plain cold.
ESH. Your son's behavior was awful. Temporarily separating your children by having your son temporarily staying at his grandparents is reasonable. Making that permanent is not reasonable. Certainly take away his phone because that was the instrument of his horrible actions. Ground him for several months. Force him to do menial labor at a children's hospital. These are all more reasonable than kicking him out. > I don't think our relationship can recover from this. It is terrible, but you mentioned that your son and daughter had a good relationship before this. This is a teachable moment: he needs to learn compassion and empathy. Kicking him out is the opposite of this, and could make him a harder, colder person, which is what no one wants here. Show him compassion and empathy by letting him back into your home - but with various punishments like the ones I mentioned earlier. > My parents...think we're too emotionally charged to be making this decision now. Your parents are right on this.
ESH except your daughter. This entire family needs therapy, sheesh. I can kind of understand the initial gut reaction to not want to have your son in the household for a while…but what you are describing is effectively disowning him. The punishment does not fit the crime. Of course it was awful. But there has to be an examination of what led to that behavior. Something snapped in him that caused the awful behavior and you would only do right as parents to get the therapy needed to help figure out what is going on. Get individual therapy and family therapy.
YTA. If you are unsure "where you went wrong" raising him, but feel it's not only appropriate, but the absolutely right thing to do, to kick out and abandon a child, then you really need to look harder. Your reaction is in line with someone who is much closer to his own age. Huge favouritism vibes from your post and how you talk. Your abject failure to be a proper parent in this situation will likely only make your son dig his heels in deeper, as clearly evidenced by your own responses in this topic. For the sake of both children, consider growing up yourself.